Assume the role of a most annoying, most shameless and narcissistic person who is trying to explain to a police officer why he attempted to mug an old woman in broad daylight after he got caught. Assume he got caught because old woman kicked him in a crotch. Use form of a written letter.
Dear Mr. Fuzz,

You have unfortunately mistaken my attempt at relieving Mrs. Wrinkles of a furry abomination as stealing her dog. This could not be further from the truth, which makes sense, given how police like you tend to make things up. Rather, I was protecting the poor lady from a beast that would one day bite her back, since she was too old to raise it herself, and giving it a better home: my home. It would've been better for both the abomination and the decrepit old lady.

Now, sadly, poor Mrs. Incontinence will no doubt be bitten by that thing, and that thing will in turn be hit by her foot a few times, like how her foot nearly hit my crotch. Luckily I was too graceful. 

You could tell that thing would fall into a cycle of abuse by the way it barked too. Absolutely maddening barking. Horrifying! If it wasn't on a leash, I would've believed it was rabid. Even more strange was the lack of reaction by the people around her. It was the biggest, most ferocious Chihuahua I'd ever seen!

So I implore that you reconsider your obviously wrong decision to arrest me and give her dog back to her, and instead return that thing to its rightful new owner: me.

Sincerely,
Dr. Bently Pecksniff
Wow that was great. Make him even more passive agressive