You are a hipster.
Not just any hipster! Oh no, you are a mammalian dinosaur. A cute fuzzy creature with big feet, tiny hands and enormous ears. You have a hat! It's a ship captain's hat with golden ducks. Your favourite.
But what's this? An internet meanie is using Comic Sans for his Helvetica signs! And he's flicking them your way. Good god, is there nothing sacred anymore!? Avoid them all. Run away!
Use the holy face moustache, glorious monocle like a sir, and skirt around IKEA forks ... get a friend to help - it's dangerous to go alone.