Help! I lost my debit card.
Could I get your full name, please?
Sarah Brown
Can you tell me your account number, please?
I don't have it
Could you provide your date of birth, please?
My name is Sarah Brown
Could you provide your date of birth, please?
I don't remember
And what was the name of the pet you had as a child?
Charlie.  And my name is Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate.
What was your mother's maiden name?
Threepwood
Could you provide your date of birth, please?
I don't remember my date of birth.  How can pirates have birthdates? 
I am sorry, but I cannot authenticate you with the information you have provided.
That's OK.  I just realized that I am a mighty pirate and have no need for money because I have treasure all over the world.  Nothing further needs to be done, mere mortal.
Please contact again once you have found your account number or are able to provide security information.