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Lampstand is a bot written for #maelfroth by Nicholas ‘Aquarion’ Avenell, who can be reached at nicholas at aquarionics dot com. It basically does stuff Aquarion thinks is cool, or that people have suggested. A synergy of both is more likely to happen than the latter, to be honest.

These are (most of) the things it does:

Bible Reaction

Lampstand: Rev 2:5

21:52 [Lampstand] Aquarion, Revelation 2:5 5Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. [ESV]

Scripture taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright ©2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Text provided by the Crossway Bibles Web Service.


Lampstand: Open the box

[Lampstand] (describes what it finds)

(The boxes come from the Warehouse basement)

Calendar Facts

As supplied from XKCD 1930 , some nifty facts about our calendar.

Lampstand: Give me a calendar fact


Lampstand: choose Toast, jam or sandwiches?
[Lampstand] Jam

(You are advised not to ask Lampstand “Cake or death”. Results may be unpredicatable).

(This is now requires the “choose” in order that I can recognise choose requests as distinct from other times you might want to use the word “or”)

You can use “Should I” instead of “Choose” if it makes your narrative happy, and a single-option choice will react as a Magic 8-Ball (see below).


Lampstand attempts to guess when over-long lines get cut out. This functionality is not complete yet.


Lampstand: Roll 4d6+12

11:00 [Aquarion] Lampstand: Roll 4d6+12
11:00 [Lampstand] Aquarion, You rolled 4d6, you got [3, 1, 6, 4] +12 = 26

Lampstand: Roll lowest4 6d6+12

11:00 [Aquarion] Lampstand: Roll lowest4 6d6+12
11:00 [Lampstand] Aquarion, You rolled [ 3, 4, 6, 4, 6, 5 ], kept [ 3, 4, 4, 5 ] Total 16 +12 = 28

(the “lowest4” keyword there can be “lowest” and then any number to catch the bottom set, “best” and then a number to get the top set, and can also be prefixed with “open” to get open-ended dice rolls. Feel free to ask ((~ccooke)) what this means, as he wrote the code for it)

Roll “Fate” or “Fudge” for a FATE-style +/- roll

Lampstand: Roll fate or Lampstand: Roll fudge

20:14:50 [Aquarion] Lampstand: Roll fate
20:14:50 [Lampstand] Aquarion: You rolled ] [ ] [+] [, totalling -1


Lampstand: look up tea

09:48 [Lampstand] Tea Tea (t[=e]), n. [Chin. tsh[=a], Prov. Chin. te: cf. F. th[’e].] 1. The prepared leaves of a shrub, or small tree ({Thea Chinensis} or {Camellia Chinensis}). The shrub is a native of China, but has been introduced to some extent into some other countries. [1913 Webster] Note: Teas are classed as green or black, according to their color or appearance, the kinds being distinguished also by various other characteristic differences,…
09:48 [Lampstand] … as of taste, odor, and the like. The color, flavor, and quality are dependent upon the treatment which the leaves receive after being gathered. The leaves for green tea are heated, or roasted slightly, in shallow pans over a wood fire, almost immediately after being gathered, after which they are rolled with the hands upon a table, to free them from a portion of their moisture, and to twist them, and are then quickly [Cut for length]

This will fall back to Wikipedia if it can’t find anything in the dictionary


Lampstand: Ask the 8-ball: Should I document Lampstand fully?
[Lampstand] All signs point to yes.

(You can also refer to the 8-ball as “the oracle”)


There are a number of static responses under this umbrella. Try “Open the pod bay doors” or “make me a sandwich”. Collect them all!


Lampstand collects haiku-form phrases from channel. Currently these are broadcast to #lampstand.

How Long

Lampstand: How long until Event I?
[Lampstand] Event I is in 2 days, 2 hours, 9 minutes

You can also ask Lampstand when something is:

Lampstand: When is until Event I?
[Lampstand] Event I starts Friday 21st March 2008 at 18:00

Or for arbitrary dates:

Lampstand: How long until 2010-07-12?
[Lampstand] 2010-07-12 00:00 is in 14 days, 12 minutes, 31 seconds.

(You can say “12th July” or “07/12/10”. Note that it uses american style slash-syntax, so avoid that)

Or look for events in the database:

Lampstand: Show me empire events
[Lampstand] Aquarion: Empire: Spring Equinox 380YE is in 5 weeks, 29 hours, 49 minutes; Empire: Summer Solstice 380YE is in 14 weeks, 29 hours, 49 minutes & Empire: Autumn Equinox 380YE is in 20 weeks, 29 hours, 49 minutes

Lampstand: Show me past falling down events
[Lampstand] Aquarion: Falling Down: The Beginning was 11 days, 9 hours, 47 minutes ago; Falling Down: The Pillars was 1 year, 20 weeks, 69 hours, 47 minutes ago; Falling Down: The Fates was 20 weeks, 105 hours, 47 minutes ago & Falling Down: The Dancers was 51 weeks, 105 hours, 47 minutes ago

This also works in /query, you don’t need to prefix it with Lampstand: though. You can find a list of events Lampstand knows about at, which includes a iCal export for your favourite calendar system. New events should be added to


/me hugs Lampstand

10:52 * Aquarion hugs Lampstand
10:52 * Lampstand gives Aquarion chocolate

/msg Lampstand give me toast @ @/me hugs Lampstand

10:54 * Lampstand gives Aquarion toast


Lampstand: insult McWonerite

11:02 [Lampstand] McWonerite, Thou clouted fool-born codpiece!


Lampstand has an inventory. You can give him things like this:

/me gives Lampstand pancakes
[Lampstand] Taken “pancakes”

And get him to drop things like this:

Lampstand: Drop pancakes
[Lampstand] Dropped “pancakes”

You could also try:

  • Lampstand: Attack $personsname
  • Lampstand: Do science
  • Lampstand: What have I forgotten?
  • Lampstand: What has [Someone Else] forgotten?
  • Lampstand: are you pondering what I'm pondering?
  • Lampstand: examine item
  • Lampstand: misquote benjamin franklin
  • Lampstand: lost and found

Inventories are per-channel.

Play Games

Lampstand has some basic integration with Steam, once you tell it what your account details are. All of these can be used in query, in which case you should drop the Lampstand: prefix.

Lampstand: What should I play?
Lampstand: What steam game should I play?

These are currently equivalent, and will reply with a game from your steam library, weighted towards games you’ve played in the last two weeks. You can say “Which” instead of “What” if it makes you happy. Note that these are Steam Library games, and do not count games which you’ve added manually to Steam.

Lampstand: Which of my recent steam games should I play?

Same as above, but will only select games played in the last two weeks.

Lampstand: My steam profile is [STEAM_URL_ID]

This is how you tell Lampstand what your Steam ID is. [STEAM_URL_ID]‘s an annoyingly complicated thing to find. Log in to and it’s the word after “/id/” or the numbers after “/profile/” in the URL of your home page.


11:02 [Quarn] highly amusing one-liner!
11:02 [Aquarion] Lampstand: Quote Quarn
11:02 [Lampstand] Okay, quoting “Quarn: highly amusing one-liner!”

These get added to the Quotes file moderation queue.

It will do one line, if you want to quote context, please use the normal submit form


Lampstand watches for people mentioning links on channel, which then get archived at

You can request that lampstand create a link for any URL mentioned using these commands:

Lampstand: Shorten That Link (shortens the last URL mentioned)

Lampstand: Shorten Username's link (Shortens the last link Username mentioned)

Lampstand: Shorten this link: (Makes a short link for

What Is

Lampstand: Define the world as a place where we live
[Lampstand] If you say so.

Lampstand: What is the world?
[Lampstand] A place where we live

if “What Is” can’t find a match, it will fall back to the dictionary, as documented above.

Lampstand: Who defined that?
[Lampstand] Bob did.

Tell me something about X” will search defintions for X and give you a random result.

Give me a random definition” will tell you something new and possibly even accurate.

Who was / Last seen


10:54 [Aquarion] Hello!
Lampstand: Have you seen Aquarion?

10:54 [Aquarion] Lampstand: Have you seen Aquarion?
10:54 [Lampstand] I last saw Aquarion on Sat, 08 March 08 at 10:54 saying Hello!

Wolfram Alpha

submits a query to Wolfram Alpha

Lampstand: Lampstand: ask wolfram who wrote jude the obscure
[Lampstand] Thomas Hardy

“Ask Wolfram” can be “wolfram”, “ask wolfram” or “calculate”

(This command also works in private message, just remove the "Lampstand: " prefix)


Lampstand is an IRC bot






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