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<TITLE>Movie Reviews by Charlotte Fever</TITLE>
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<HR size=4 width="100%"><B><FONT FACE="BallroomTango"><FONT COLOR="#CC33CC"><FONT SIZE=+4>Out
for Reel</FONT></FONT></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT FACE="BallroomTango"><FONT COLOR="#CC33CC"><FONT SIZE=+2>featuring...</FONT></FONT></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><IMG SRC="feverface.gif" HEIGHT=163 WIDTH=150></CENTER>
<CENTER><IMG SRC="CHAR1.gif" HEIGHT=45 WIDTH=305></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#3333FF">Tischa's '99 Movie Reviews:</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B>Wild Wild West * Summer of Sam</B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#3333FF"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever17.html">Summer
'99 Movie Review:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B>Star Wars: The Phantom Menace</B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#3333FF"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever16.html">April
Fool's '99 Movie Review:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B>Cookie's Fortune</B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#3333FF"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever15.html">Spring
'99 Movie Review:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B>The Matrix</B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever14.html">Valentine's'99
Movie Review:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B>Payback</B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever13.html">Oprahphobia
Movie Review:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Beloved</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever12.html">Fall'98
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">How Stella Got Her Groove Back</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever11.html">Zorrosita
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Zorro * Smoke Signals:</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever10.html">Midori
Sour Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Mulan * The Chinese Box</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever9.html">BlockBuster
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Godzilla * The Truman Show</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever8.html">Summer'98
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">The Object of my Affection * The Big Hit</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever7.html">Spring'98
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Mr. Nice Guy * Lost In Space</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever6.html">Christmas'97
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Mortal Kombat 2 * Alien Resurrection</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever5.html">Southern
Decadence Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Midnight in the Garden of Good &amp; Evil
* Eve's Bayou</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever4.html">Galaxa's
Special Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Gattaca * Starship Troopers</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever3.htm">Halloween'97
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">I Know What You Did Last Summer * Kiss
The Girls</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00"><A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever2.html">Fall'97
Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">&nbsp;In &amp; Out * The Game * Event
Horizon * Mimic * GI Jane * Operation Condor * Spawn</FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#FFFF00">&nbsp;<A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/fever1.html">Summer
'97 Movie Reviews:</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT COLOR="#000000">Speed 2: Cruise Control * Face/Off * Men
in Black * Batman &amp; Robin * Celestial Clockwork</FONT></B></CENTER>
<FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;</FONT>
<BR><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;</FONT>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;
Yo, yo, what up, people? This is Tischa Turtledove coming at ya in print
from the west-side! My girl, Charlotte, is still laid out in traction at
St. Mary’s, so she asked me to write this month’s column. At first I said,
hell no, cause she wanted me to see that whack film, An Ideal Husband,
and this girl don’t do dead English fops unless the paper is being handed
my way. That was a joke, so if you thought I was serious, you need to check
that shit cause you’re a bigger freak than me. But that’s okay, I ain’t
mad at ya; like Lauryn said, "It’s about that thing." So, if it don’t feel
bad then it must be good.</FONT>
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<BR><IMG SRC="Wildwild.gif" HEIGHT=128 WIDTH=200>&nbsp;
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<TD><FONT SIZE=+1>Anyway, I don’t know what you gay people see in Rupert
Everett. The boy is kind of cute in a goofy sort of way, but what’s up
with that flat butt? Who want’s to grab a handful of pelvic bone? So I
gave Rupert the big brush off and went to see the Wild Wild West instead.
Big Willie, do it to me, says this black lady cause I sure enough can’t
do it to myself--at least not all the time.&nbsp;<I>&nbsp;</I></FONT>&nbsp;
<BR>&nbsp;</TD>
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</TABLE>
<FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve had my eye
on you Big Willie. Believe me, when your parents didn’t understand, I did.
And if I wasn’t watching the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air then I sure as hell
was taping that fucker. Plus, when you jumped to the big screen, guess
who stood, first in line, with her jumbo popcorn and pepsi in hand? I’m
your number one fan. I saw Independence Day and Men in Black ten times,
and you know your ass should’ve been in Godzilla. So, now that we got all
that established, can you tell me, Big Willie, what the fuck is up? You
gonna take a girl’s seven-fifty for that Wild Wild Bullshit?</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; In the movie,
Will stars as Jim West, a womanizing, wise cracking, hip shooting, U.S.
marshal. Kevin Kline plays Artemus Gordon, another marshal, who specializes
in gadgets and disguises. While Big Willie comes in guns blazing like an
old west Rambo, Gordon takes the Martin Luther King approach. Being the
best at what they do, the President sends them both to stop the evil Dr.
Loveless (Kenneth Branagh) from pimping out America to the leaders of France,
Spain, and England.</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Sounds slamming,
right? Wrong. I sat in the theatre, dazed and confused, trying to figure
out who slipped something in my Pepsi, when I realized, it wasn’t my drink
but the scrub movie that was making me ill. I used to think turning TV
shows to movies was a tight idea but somebody fucked up big time here—they
had the nerve to give my girl Selma Hayek a thankless role as a helpless
showgirl who begs Jim and Artemus to help look for her kidnapped father.
I’m over that damsel in distress business; I would’ve set it off with some
Calamity Jane/Annie Oakley stunts, and got that shit done myself.</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; If treating
Selma like an extra wasn’t bad enough, you should’ve seen what they did
to Will. Somebody give me the low down on how Big Willie could go from
Men in Black to Man in Dress? I almost choked on my popcorn when he sashayed
on screen tricked out like a reject from a Foxy Brown or Lil’ Kim video.
Tischa don’t go there, Big Willie. Jada, girl, you better watch your man
and make sure he keeps his pants on, cause that shit ain’t cute or funny.
What’s worse is that when I told Charlotte that he didn’t even shave, girlfriend
slipped into a coma and kept mumbling Wild Wild Mess over and over.</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Willie, next
time you put on a dress, do that shit right and don’t embarrass the drag
queens. But hey, I’ll cut you some slack cause I know the director got
desperate and rewrote the script to read: WILL SHAKES HIS ASS DRESSED AS
HAREM WENCH.</FONT>
<BR>&nbsp;
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Wild Wild West
has bad taste to spare. In one scene a mob gets ready to hang Will, who
shifts into comedian mode to back them off. If that’s all it took I’m sure
the south would’ve had plantations full of Eddie Murphies and Chris Rocks.
Some things you just don’t make fun of, like the holocaust, rape, lynching,
and Omar Epps (I’ll take two scoops of some Omar Epps).</FONT>&nbsp; <FONT SIZE=+1>Think
of all the people who died. I doubt their asses are looking through the
pearly gates, laughing it up. I don’t know if you’re having a personal
crisis, Big Willie, but don’t make me call Jesse Jackson on you. He’ll
round up the NAACP and we’ll march down the streets to your front porch.
We all know Jesse’s always down for a cause, whether it’s protesting Hollywood
bias or speed bumps, so swinging by your house won’t be a problem. I’m
trying not to be righteous. God knows I’m no saint, but at least I know
where to draw the line.</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Don’t go see
this movie. I’m telling you straight up that you will walk out looking
like a victim of a Mac Truck hit &amp; run. I knew something was up when
that bitch on Entertainment Tonight reported that reshoots had to be done
cause of bad test audience results. But did I listen? No, my dumb ass had
to ride the Big Willie and get screwed.</FONT>
<BR>&nbsp;
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<TD><FONT SIZE=+1>The best thing about Wild Wild Mess was that it was down
the hall from Summer of Sam. After the crap I went through I needed a Spike
Lee Joint. Set in New York City during the summer of 1977, Summer of Sam
deals with serial killer David Berkowitz and the seeds of horror he sows
in an Italian American neighborhood.&nbsp;</FONT></TD>
</TR>
<TR>
<TD></TD>
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</TR>
</TABLE>
<FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;John Leguizamo plays Vinny, the only straight hairdresser
in New York City. Now, Vinny is a low down dirty dog to the tenth degree,
cause he spends his free time cheatin’ on his wife, Dionna, played by Mira
Sorvino. Look, ya’ll got to go see this movie just to see this fool run
his game on my girl Mira like he was the bastard son of Don Juan, Casanova,
and Billy Dee Williams. I looked around and the men in the audience were
taking notes. In one scene, Vinny falls to his knees, wraps his arms around
Dionna’s legs and begs her not to go. I swear, that so many sweet nothings
flew off his lips that I stood up in the theater shouting, “I’ll take you
back, Vinny, ya’ dirty bastard!”</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Vinny tries
to get his act together after his near run in with the Son of Sam; it doesn’t
work. The only way that boy could keep his dick under control would be
for Miss Dionna to put a leash on it. Vinny’s problem, like so many men,
is that he thinks his wife should be virginal and pure, but then he goes
out with every two dollar ho. No wonder my girls can’t get no satisfaction
from you two-minute brothers. Hell, if they wanted to be virgins they would’ve
married God, not your sorry asses. So, men do yourselves a favor; throw
your women on their backs and do those girls the right way, dammit.</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; If you
think no one could have worse problems than Miss Dionna you’d be wrong.
My girl, Ruby (Jennifer Esposito) has much more drama on her plate. Not
only is she the neighborhood whore, but her boyfriend Ritchie (Adrien Brody)
is a spiky-haired, dog collar wearing, punk rocker who uses a fake British
accent and shakes his ass for men in a seedy strip joint. Now he may be
the perfect stocking stuffer for Ruby and Charlotte, but like I said before,
Tischa don’t go there.</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
As our two couple's twisted tales of love and heartache unravel, the Son
of Sam (Michael Badalucco) continues his murderous spree through the streets
of New York. His scenes are filmed with some strange film stock that makes
all the colors super saturated and intense. Spike seldom gives us a full-face
shot, preferring to shot Badalucco at angles and from the back. A demonic
dog that constantly barks and a trash filled apartment with dirty dishes
and buzzing flies ups the creep factor even more. Back in the neighborhood
paranoia reaches a whole new level when the neighborhood gang suspects
Ritchie of being the killer.</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But hey,
I’m not gonna ruin the movie and tell you everything that happens. Get
your asses in gear and go see Summer of Sam. I heard that it wasn’t doing
great box office so get out there and support Spike. I loved this movie,
but I gotta say that after the credits rolled I ran to the nearest Baptist
church to pray, cause you know it’s a sign of Armageddon when there are
no black people in a Spike Lee movie. Sure Spike stars as some TV reporter
and his sister Joop, Jisi, or whatever her name is, has a cameo, but that’s
about it. What’s up with that, Spike?</FONT>
<P><FONT SIZE=+1>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But I
ain’t mad. In fact, I got a few tips to help earn the dollars. First, you
need to work on this merchandising thing. Look at George Lucas making those
Jar Jar dolls for the kids. You gotta get the Son of Sam dolls on the shelves.
And you can’t forget about Malibu Ruby and her boyfriend Ritchie, complete
with IUD and removable cock ring. Trust me, Spike, they’ll move faster
than Tickle Me Elmo and Beany Babies combined.</FONT>
<BR>&nbsp;
<BR><FONT COLOR="#000000"><FONT SIZE=+1>Copyright 1999</FONT></FONT>
<BR>
<HR WIDTH="100%">
<CENTER>
<H1>
<FONT COLOR="#000000">Question of the Month</FONT></H1></CENTER>
<CENTER>
<H1>
<FONT COLOR="#000000"><FONT SIZE=+2>" Has the Big Willie bottomed out?"</FONT></FONT></H1></CENTER>
<CENTER>
<H1>
<FORM method=POST action=../cgi/webpost.cgi?fever><INPUT type=hidden name=formtype value=short><INPUT type=submit value="Click Here!"></H1></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT SIZE=+2>Check out <A HREF="http://www.gayuniverse.com/personals/fever_index.html">Charlotte's
Comment Board</A></FONT></B></CENTER>
<CENTER><B><FONT FACE="BallroomTango"><FONT COLOR="#CC33CC"><FONT SIZE=+2>C'mon
Talk to Mama!</FONT></FONT></FONT></B>&nbsp;
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<CENTER><A HREF="http://www.corona.bc.ca/films/">Coming Attractions</A></CENTER>
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