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| <TITLE>Self Induced Negativity</TITLE> | |
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| <td><center><img src="midgit.gif" width=167 height=288 alt="" border="0"></center></td> | |
| <td><h2><tt>Jack in the Bockz Admits to Breeding Homosexual Midgets for Taco Meat</tt></h2></td> | |
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| SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA: Today at a heated press meeting, which involved arguments about whether or not certain fast food restaurants reheated sandwiches in microwaves, the question which silenced the room, "Does Jack in the Bockz breed homosexual midgets for taco meat?" was answered by a "Jack," president of Jack in the Bockz. | |
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| Allibaster McZalfelhod, our skilled reporter, documented the meeting fantastically. What follows is the horrific account of a modern day holocaust. | |
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| Allibaster McZalfelhod: "Jack, is it true that you contain a subterrainean breeding pit, which is full of homosexual midgets being driven by whips into large meat processing machines?" | |
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| Jack: "It's not a breeding pit, it's what we like to call the 'Jackpit.' It only cost 99 cents to set up!" | |
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| A.M: "Answer the question!" | |
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| J: "Well, technically that is true, we do torture homosexual midgets and quickly and methodically render them into diced meat. It is in fact, what we like to call 'Jackmet,' a variation on gourmet. It's simply the best. Can I interest you in a 'Smoreo' shake? Only 99 cents!" | |
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| A.M: "LIAR! Everyone has always thought your tacos were under par! Once I found a pair of midget lips in one of my tacos! And once I found a full set of homosexual midget teeth in my fecal matter, after eating your tacos!" | |
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| J: "Hey, but at least we don't reheat our midgets in something like a microwave! Whenever someone orders a taco, we simply send the sweating, crying midgets through the furnace through the very humane and 'Jack' approved cattle prod and whip method!" | |
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| A.M: "That's horrible! Why homosexual midgets!?" | |
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| J: "The large amounts of semen in their colons removes the need for buying boxes of porno magazines for our staff to create special sauce! This is usually a time consuming process, and costs too much a year for the subscriptions. These new, 'Subterrainean Homosexual Midget Bred Mincemeat' tacos, are only three for ninety nine cents!" | |
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| A.M: "Only 99 cents?" | |
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| J: "Yes, and a bitterdough 'Jack' is only an additional quarter!" | |
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| A.M: "See you at Jack in the Bockz!" | |
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| As you can see, A.M. is not easily swayed. Here is a description of a 'Jackpit' as described by a surviving homosexual midget, escaping with only permanent scars across the body and a permanent grill shaped burn on his backside: | |
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| "Every where you turned, there was these guys with white helmets sayin things like, 'You there! Get to humpin!' If we was to not comply, they'd simply cattle prod us 'til we was lyin on the ground spasmin' around in a heap of our own fluids. Then sometimes these guards strapped me to a world war two style cot, and gave me a 'Fishstick through the onion' as they liked to call it. There was screams and smells of electrocuted semen. Once a comrade shot jizz all over my face, he was 'lectrocuted only a couple seconds earlier, it zapped me good! Then I 'scaped." (Note from Editor: Fishsticks in the onions may be purchased from male employees for only 99 cents.) | |
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| Subterrainean camps are springing up below Jack in the Bockz's everywhere, and soon you may find the joy of picking homosexual midget innards from the singed remains in your Jack in the Bockz, 99 cents tacos! | |
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| -The author has declined to write more on the subject, to search for a subterrainean homosexual midget meat rendering complex for sale, to give him food and sexual gratification during the Why Two Kay bug. | |
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