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    <td><h2><tt>Sex Scandal Drives Santa to Suicide</tt></h2></td>
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Sex Scandal Drives Santa to Suicide
<br>
<br>
	Children everywhere were shocked by a recent turn of events implicating
 Christmas figure Saint Nicolas in a sexual affair with Elf-intern Moniqua
Nutcracker. The humiliation of this publication apparently drove Mr. Claus to
suicide on the night before Christmas eve.
<br>
<br>
       "He's been really stressed these past few weeks, and now this," head-reindeer
Rudolf proclaimed, as another reindeer smashed a hoof into his cute cherry
colored nose, causing it to bleed profusely. "I noticed that his eyes were
not twinkling as much as they usually did, and the laughter which shook his
belly did not resemble a 'bowl full of jelly', but rather a convoluted vessel
of swishing vomit."  It was later discovered that Claus was also a heavy
alcoholic.


<br>
<br>
After denying the relationship for months, under evidence of a
christmas stocking stained with semen and chocolate, Claus finally admitted to
the sordid affair. Elf worker Johnny Yuletide Applecheeks comments on these
events: "Santa was a fucking dick eating piece of goddamn shit. I would
not use his face to wipe my ass, look what that dick did to poor Mrs.
Claus. And what Santa did to Moniqua with that candy-cane under the mistletoe..
that's fucking shameful." Apparently this affair was not an isolated incident.
Reports of a certain "mommy" kissing Santa Claus have floated around the
North Pole and were ignored for years.

<br>
<br>

    Partisan actions in the Elf-community show that the affair had become key
 in the argument over building more high-tech video games, or realistic baby
 dolls. "If we build more dolls," Elf leader Gingerbread Tinsel proclaims,
 "that's going to send the message the elves morally support Claus's
actions. Boys will be able to have as many girly-dolls to fondle as they
please!" Action video games, Tinsel asserts, will teach boys to safely convert
 their sexual energy into unchecked violence and aggression.

<br><br>

        Santa's body was found early Christmas eve morning, his head
resembling an imploded eggshell dripping chunks ~of tissue and blood, topped
with a soft, loveable red and white cap that was a gift from the elf-intern.
A press statement found her sobbing, stating, "all he ever did was touch my
gumdrop.. and he was ever so sweet!" Mrs. Claus had no other comment to make,
other than, "I hope he is castrated in hell. When do I get my insurance
settlement?.. Oh right, the poor kids.. what are they going to do for
christmas?! sure. fuck th... uh, I mean, I hope to god some good hearted soul
will be willing to take up Santa's burden." So far, singer/tv personality
John Tesh and Soviet communist oppressor Joseph Stalin are the only
proposed replacements.


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	<td><center><img src="santagun.jpg" width=200 height=242 alt="" border="0"></center></td>
	<td><h2><tt>Sex Scandal Drives Santa to Suicide</tt></h2></td>
	</tr>
	</table>
	<br>
	<br>
	<tt>

	Sex Scandal Drives Santa to Suicide
	<br>
	<br>
	Children everywhere were shocked by a recent turn of events implicating
	Christmas figure Saint Nicolas in a sexual affair with Elf-intern Moniqua
	Nutcracker. The humiliation of this publication apparently drove Mr. Claus to
	suicide on the night before Christmas eve.
	<br>
	<br>
	"He's been really stressed these past few weeks, and now this," head-reindeer
	Rudolf proclaimed, as another reindeer smashed a hoof into his cute cherry
	colored nose, causing it to bleed profusely. "I noticed that his eyes were
	not twinkling as much as they usually did, and the laughter which shook his
	belly did not resemble a 'bowl full of jelly', but rather a convoluted vessel
	of swishing vomit." It was later discovered that Claus was also a heavy
	alcoholic.


	<br>
	<br>
	After denying the relationship for months, under evidence of a
	christmas stocking stained with semen and chocolate, Claus finally admitted to
	the sordid affair. Elf worker Johnny Yuletide Applecheeks comments on these
	events: "Santa was a fucking dick eating piece of goddamn shit. I would
	not use his face to wipe my ass, look what that dick did to poor Mrs.
	Claus. And what Santa did to Moniqua with that candy-cane under the mistletoe..
	that's fucking shameful." Apparently this affair was not an isolated incident.
	Reports of a certain "mommy" kissing Santa Claus have floated around the
	North Pole and were ignored for years.

	<br>
	<br>

	Partisan actions in the Elf-community show that the affair had become key
	in the argument over building more high-tech video games, or realistic baby
	dolls. "If we build more dolls," Elf leader Gingerbread Tinsel proclaims,
	"that's going to send the message the elves morally support Claus's
	actions. Boys will be able to have as many girly-dolls to fondle as they
	please!" Action video games, Tinsel asserts, will teach boys to safely convert
	their sexual energy into unchecked violence and aggression.

	<br><br>

	Santa's body was found early Christmas eve morning, his head
	resembling an imploded eggshell dripping chunks ~of tissue and blood, topped
	with a soft, loveable red and white cap that was a gift from the elf-intern.
	A press statement found her sobbing, stating, "all he ever did was touch my
	gumdrop.. and he was ever so sweet!" Mrs. Claus had no other comment to make,
	other than, "I hope he is castrated in hell. When do I get my insurance
	settlement?.. Oh right, the poor kids.. what are they going to do for
	christmas?! sure. fuck th... uh, I mean, I hope to god some good hearted soul
	will be willing to take up Santa's burden." So far, singer/tv personality
	John Tesh and Soviet communist oppressor Joseph Stalin are the only
	proposed replacements.


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