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<TITLE>Self Induced Negativity</TITLE>
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    <td><center><img src="turkey.jpg" width=249 height=200 alt="" border="0"></center></td>
    <td><h2><tt>Turkey Day Declared illegal by EPA</tt></h2></td>
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TURKEY DAY DECLARED ILLEGAL BY EPA
<br>
<br>
WASHINGTON, D.C: Today in an hour long dispute,
Thanksgiving celebration, or as some like to call it,
Turkey Day, has been declared illegal by the US government.
Gnoot Gingwhich said, "People are murderous scoundrels.
They kill turkeys, and for WHAT!? JUST FOR A GOOD FAMILY
TIME, AND LAUGHTER? SCANDELOUS I TELL YOU, SCANDELOUS!"
There have been six hundred bomb threats to the whitehouse
in the past ten minutes alone, mostly by old people who
like to drink wine while terrorizing their infant
grandchildren with stories from the past. Says one Bubba
Jim Joe Jack Jesse Jacky Jimmy Joe "Pay paw" Johnson,
"Ah yoosed tah tell mah grayund sun storahs, now these
government hoes be comin' along like some oh dem black folk
back in the thirties, tryin to steal mah property and whatnot..."
Unfortunately we couldn't print his entire story as that
would have taken up the whole "E" section.
<br>
<br>
	The EPA declared that Turkeys have the same rights
as humans, and that even though they taste good with stuffing,
people shouldn't be so cruel. Miss somethingorother, the
spokeswoman for the EPA, says, "We basically banned Thanksgiving
because no one in the EPA really enjoys having fun with our
family. Mostly, our families are inbred cult leaders with
genital problems." When asked why they had to press their
personal problems on everyone else in the nation, she
replied, "Don't fuck with the Turkeys, yo, or else I'll get
my tree-hugging homies to incarcerate your ass."

<br>
<br>
"If I see another Turkey with it's head missing...
we'll bomb all major Turkey slaughterhouses and stores that
carry Turkey or Turkey products. These are cowardly acts, and
they should be punished severely for even THINKING about hurting
those poor ugly looking creatures who don't do shit except run
around and make annoying fucking gobbling sounds. Oh what the hell
am I saying, I think everyone should go out and cap one just for the
fun of it." These were President Bill Klintocks words right before he
was incarcerated by a bunch of people dressed in bell-bottoms and wearing
"hippy looking shit," as the Vice President put it.

<br>
<br>
In other news, Sadam Hussein has syphillus and
gonohrrea.

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</HTML>
	<HTML>
	<HEAD>
	<TITLE>Self Induced Negativity</TITLE>
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	<body text="#ffffff" vlink="#551a8b" alink="#ff0000" link="#0000ee" bgcolor="#000000">

	<TABLE BORDER=0 CELLPADDING=0 CELLSPACING=0 ROWSPACING=0 VALIGN=top>
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	<TD align="left">
	<table cellspacing="2" cellpadding="2">
	<tr>
	<td><center><img src="turkey.jpg" width=249 height=200 alt="" border="0"></center></td>
	<td><h2><tt>Turkey Day Declared illegal by EPA</tt></h2></td>
	</tr>
	</table>
	<br>
	<br>
	<tt>

	TURKEY DAY DECLARED ILLEGAL BY EPA
	<br>
	<br>
	WASHINGTON, D.C: Today in an hour long dispute,
	Thanksgiving celebration, or as some like to call it,
	Turkey Day, has been declared illegal by the US government.
	Gnoot Gingwhich said, "People are murderous scoundrels.
	They kill turkeys, and for WHAT!? JUST FOR A GOOD FAMILY
	TIME, AND LAUGHTER? SCANDELOUS I TELL YOU, SCANDELOUS!"
	There have been six hundred bomb threats to the whitehouse
	in the past ten minutes alone, mostly by old people who
	like to drink wine while terrorizing their infant
	grandchildren with stories from the past. Says one Bubba
	Jim Joe Jack Jesse Jacky Jimmy Joe "Pay paw" Johnson,
	"Ah yoosed tah tell mah grayund sun storahs, now these
	government hoes be comin' along like some oh dem black folk
	back in the thirties, tryin to steal mah property and whatnot..."
	Unfortunately we couldn't print his entire story as that
	would have taken up the whole "E" section.
	<br>
	<br>
	The EPA declared that Turkeys have the same rights
	as humans, and that even though they taste good with stuffing,
	people shouldn't be so cruel. Miss somethingorother, the
	spokeswoman for the EPA, says, "We basically banned Thanksgiving
	because no one in the EPA really enjoys having fun with our
	family. Mostly, our families are inbred cult leaders with
	genital problems." When asked why they had to press their
	personal problems on everyone else in the nation, she
	replied, "Don't fuck with the Turkeys, yo, or else I'll get
	my tree-hugging homies to incarcerate your ass."

	<br>
	<br>
	"If I see another Turkey with it's head missing...
	we'll bomb all major Turkey slaughterhouses and stores that
	carry Turkey or Turkey products. These are cowardly acts, and
	they should be punished severely for even THINKING about hurting
	those poor ugly looking creatures who don't do shit except run
	around and make annoying fucking gobbling sounds. Oh what the hell
	am I saying, I think everyone should go out and cap one just for the
	fun of it." These were President Bill Klintocks words right before he
	was incarcerated by a bunch of people dressed in bell-bottoms and wearing
	"hippy looking shit," as the Vice President put it.

	<br>
	<br>
	In other news, Sadam Hussein has syphillus and
	gonohrrea.

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