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| <script language="JavaScript"><!--function MM_openBrWindow(theURL,winName,features) { //v2.0 window.open(theURL,winName,features);}//--></script><!-- #BeginLibraryItem "/Library/cfset.lbi" --> <!-- #EndLibraryItem --> <!-- #BeginLibraryItem "/Library/headercf.lbi" --><html> <head> <meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1"> <title>Modern Humorist - MH Central</title><LINK REL="SHORTCUT ICON" HREF="http://www.modernhumorist.com/images/favicon.ico"> <meta name="keywords" content=""><STYLE> <!-- body { margin-top: 0; margin-left: 5 } --> </STYLE><script language="JavaScript"><!--function MM_openBrWindow(theURL,winName,features) { //v2.0 window.open(theURL,winName,features);}//--></script><script language="JavaScript"><!--function MM_swapImgRestore() { //v3.0 var i,x,a=document.MM_sr; for(i=0;a&&i<a.length&&(x=a[i])&&x.oSrc;i++) x.src=x.oSrc;}function MM_preloadImages() { //v3.0 var d=document; if(d.images){ if(!d.MM_p) d.MM_p=new Array(); var i,j=d.MM_p.length,a=MM_preloadImages.arguments; for(i=0; i<a.length; i++) if (a[i].indexOf("#")!=0){ d.MM_p[j]=new Image; d.MM_p[j++].src=a[i];}}}function MM_findObj(n, d) { //v3.0 var p,i,x; if(!d) d=document; if((p=n.indexOf("?"))>0&&parent.frames.length) { d=parent.frames[n.substring(p+1)].document; n=n.substring(0,p);} if(!(x=d[n])&&d.all) x=d.all[n]; for (i=0;!x&&i<d.forms.length;i++) x=d.forms[i][n]; for(i=0;!x&&d.layers&&i<d.layers.length;i++) x=MM_findObj(n,d.layers[i].document); return x;}function MM_swapImage() { //v3.0 var i,j=0,x,a=MM_swapImage.arguments; document.MM_sr=new Array; for(i=0;i<(a.length-2);i+=3) if ((x=MM_findObj(a[i]))!=null){document.MM_sr[j++]=x; if(!x.oSrc) x.oSrc=x.src; x.src=a[i+2];}}//--></script> </head> <body bgcolor="#e6e6bb" background="../../../images/kh.gif" link="#003366" vlink="#660033" leftmargin="5" topmargin="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0"> <script language="JavaScript"><!--function MM_openBrWindow(theURL,winName,features) { //v2.0 window.open(theURL,winName,features);}//--></script><img height="119" width="707" src="../../../images/header/mh_header_floriduh.gif" border="0" usemap="#FPO_headerb5c8024f"> <map name="FPO_headerb5c8024f"><area shape="rect" coords="572,16,685,99" href="http://modernhumoriststore.com"> <area href="archive.cfm" coords="247,64,305,76" shape="rect"> <area href="index.html" coords="454,92,504,105" shape="rect"> <area href="index.html" coords="440,99,9" shape="circle"> <area href="../../../central/central_lo.cfm" coords="289,92,414,104" shape="rect"> <area href="../../../central/central_lo.cfm" coords="278,99,9" shape="circle"> <area href="http://modernhumoriststore.com" coords="434,12,538,82" shape="rect"> <area href="house/subscribe.cfm" coords="323,12,427,81" shape="rect"> <area href="../../../mh/0004/teenslutwarehouse/index.html" coords="246,32,315,44" shape="rect" target="_blank"> <area shape="rect" coords="247,47,315,61" href="../../../mh/0009/my_mh/index.cfm"> <area shape="rect" coords="247,16,311,29" href="#" onClick="MM_openBrWindow('../../../central/speaker.cfm','','scrollbars=yes,width=160,height=270')"> <area shape="rect" coords="13,3,237,116" href="http://modernhumorist.com"></map> <!-- #EndLibraryItem --> <div align="left"> <table width="731" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" align="left"> <tr> <td> <div align="left"><br> </div> <div align="left"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" width="692" align="center"> <tr height="28"> <td height="28"></td> <td height="28" colspan="5" valign="top"> <div align="left"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr height="1"> <td height="1" colspan="5" bgcolor="black"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="1" bgcolor="black"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> <td width="15" bgcolor="#ffffcc"><img src="images/spacer.gif" width="1" height="1"></td> <td bgcolor="#ffffcc"> <div align="right"> <p align="center"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br> <img src="central/images/brandnewhumor.gif" width="179" height="29"> </font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1">...will return on Monday, January 8th. Due to the diversity of our staff—slackers of all religious backgrounds, including a couple of (frankly pretentious) Druids—Modern Humorist is observing eighteen distinct winter holidays. In the meantime, scroll down to enjoy re-wrapped gifts from our <a href="archive.cfm"><b>archives</b></a>.</font></p> <p align="left"><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><b><font size="1"> Holiday shopping!: <a href="http://modernhumoriststore.com" target="_blank">Election t-shirts</a>, <a href="mh/0012/preston/">novelties</a>, <a href="mh/0012/gifts/">MH gift guide</a></font></b></font><font size="1"> and <a href="mh/0012/cards/"><b>free e-cards</b></a>.<br> <br> </font> </font></p> </div> </td> <td width="15" bgcolor="#ffffcc"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> <td width="1" bgcolor="black"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> </tr> <tr height="1"> <td bgcolor="black" height="1" colspan="5"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> </tr> </table> </div> </td> <td width="1" height="28"></td> <td width="1" rowspan="2" bgcolor="black" height="28"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> <td width="1" height="28"></td> <td valign="top" rowspan="8" height="28"> <div align="center"> <form method="get" action="http://search.atomz.com/search/"> <b><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Search the site:</font></b><br> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="50" align="center"> <tr> <td> <center> <input size="21" name="sp-q" type="text"> <br> <input type="submit" value="Find it!" name="submit"> <input type="hidden" name="sp-a" value="0005168e-sp00000000"> </center> </td> </tr> </table> </form> <form method="post" action="central/polls/vote.cfm" target="vote" onSubmit="MM_openBrWindow('central/polls/votefirst.cfm','vote','scrollbars=yes,width=500,height=400')"> <table width="119" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" border="0"> <tr> <td bgcolor="black"> <center> <font size="1" color="white" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><b>The Poll</b></font> </center> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#ffffee"> <p><br> <table border="0" align="center"> <tr> <td valign="top"> <input type="radio" name="poll" value="option_one"> </td> <td valign="middle"><font size="1" color="black" face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Thesis</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="top"> <input type="radio" name="poll" value="option_two"> </td> <td valign="middle"><font size="1" color="black" face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica">Poop</font></td> </tr> </table> <center> <p><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif"> <input type="submit" value="Vote!" name="submit222"> <br> </font><a href="#" onClick="MM_openBrWindow('central/polls/vote.cfm','','scrollbars=yes,width=500,height=400')"><font size="1" color="black" face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif">Results</font></a><br> <br> <a href="#" onClick="MM_openBrWindow('central/polls/polls.cfm','','scrollbars=yes,width=500,height=400')"><font size="1" color="black" face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif">Previous Polls </font></a> </center> </td> </tr> </table> </form> <table width="117" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td> <table cellspacing="0" topmargin="0" valign="0" width="119" cellpadding="5" border="0"> <tr height="18"> <td bgcolor="black" height="18" colspan="3"> <center> <img src="central/images/oldnews.gif" width="117" height="21"> <br> <font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="2" color="black"><b><font size="1"><font color="white">New York Sun, December 27th, 1897</font></font></b></font> </center> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#ffcc99" colspan="3"> <p align="center"><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="2" color="black"><b><font size="1"><br> Correction</font></b></font></p> <p><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="2" color="black"><font size="1">The article entitled "Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus," which appeared in the December 23rd edition of The Sun, contained a factual error. The article stated, "[Claus] exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist…" This is untrue. We regret the mistake and apologize for misinforming our readers.</font></font><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="2" color="black"><br> <br> </font><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></p> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td height="18"> <div align="left"><img src="central/credits/dvoetberg.gif" width="89" height="10"></div> </td></tr> </table> <br> <table width="119" border="0"> <tr> <td> <table cellspacing="0" topmargin="0" valign="0" width="119" height="34" cellpadding="6" border="0"> <tr height="12"> <td bgcolor="#146903" height="12" colspan="3"> <center> <font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="1" color="white"><b>CATHODE RE:</b></font> </center> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#c7c9c6" colspan="3"> <p><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="1" color="black"><b><font color="#003333"><br> Holiday Television Must-See:<br> </font></b>"Divas... ON ICE! Raisin' Hell at Madison Square Garden" (ABC, 8 P.M.)—Diana Ross, Barbra Streisand, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey vs. New York Rangers. </font><br> <br> </p> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td><img src="central/credits/csumberg.gif" width="89" height="10"></td> </tr> </table> <br> <table width="119" border="0"> <tr> <td> <table cellspacing="0" topmargin="0" valign="0" width="119" height="34" cellpadding="6" border="0"> <tr height="12" bgcolor="330099"> <td height="25" colspan="3"> <center> <font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="1" color="white"><b>THAT’S SMARTS!</b></font> </center> </td> </tr> <tr bgcolor="#666699"> <td colspan="3"> <font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="1" color="white"><br> All Hostess products are flame retardant.<br> <br> </font></td> </tr> </table> <table width="119" border="0"> <tr> <td><img height="7" width="81" src="central/credits/weissbassett.gif"></td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> </table> <a href="house/intern.cfm" target="_blank"> </a> <a href="house/intern.cfm" target="_blank"> </a><a href="house/intern.cfm" target="_blank"> </a><br> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr height="1"> <td height="1" colspan="5" bgcolor="black"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> </tr> <tr> <td width="1" bgcolor="black"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> <td width="15" bgcolor="white"><img src="images/spacer.gif" width="1" height="1"></td> <td width="92" bgcolor="white"> <center> <font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="2"><b><br> <font size="1">NPR Commentary</font></b></font><br> <img height="54" width="86" src="central/images/radio.jpg"><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica" size=1><br> <a href="#" onClick="MM_openBrWindow('central/npr/npr_blaine.cfm','','scrollbars=yes,width=240,height=400')"><b> Unthawable, the Sequel</b></a><br> David Blaine Speaks from Within the Ice</font><br> <br> </center> </td> <td width="15" bgcolor="white"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> <td width="1" bgcolor="black"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> </tr> <tr height="1"> <td bgcolor="black" height="1" colspan="5"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> </tr> </table> <br> <br> </div> </td> </tr> <tr height="627"> <td height="627"></td> <td width="240" valign="top" height="627"> <div align="center"><br> <FORM NAME="banter" ACTION="house/subscribe2.cfm" METHOD=POST onSubmit="return _CF_checkbanter(this)"> <img src="central/images/banter113.gif" width="184" height="42"> <br> <input type="hidden" name="date" value="12/14/00"><input type="hidden" name="deleted" value="0"> <INPUT TYPE="text" NAME="email" SIZE="35"> <font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> <br> <input type="submit" name="Submit" value="Subscribe"> </font> </FORM> <p><img height="38" width="184" src="central/images/popularest.gif"></p> </div> <p><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><b><a href="mh/0012/encyc_election/" target="_self"><b>Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Supreme Court Showdown</b></a><br> </b>The Boy Detective v. Bush v. Gore</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><b><a href="mh/0011/monkey/">MonkeyHotOrNot</a></b><br> Aping the latest Web fad<b> </b></font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/by/anagram/" target="_self"><b>The Modern Humorist Holy Tango of Poetry<br> </b></a>If poets wrote poems whose titles were anagrams of their names</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><b><a href="mh/0011/florida/">Flori-duh!</a> </b><br> And you thought the ballots were confusing</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0006/fantasia/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>Fantasia<br> </b></a>Return of a Disney classic/popular lap dancer</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0006/romance/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>The United States of Romance<br> </b></a>A map of love, American style<b> </b></font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0007/baby/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>Name That Baby<br> </b></a>A guide for soon-to-be parents</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0006/imdb/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>Beyond Auteur Theory<br> </b></a>IMDB users review movies, their own lives</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><b><a href="../../../mh/0010/greenspan/">Alan Greenspan's Tales of Terror </a></b><br> Halloween treats from the chairman</font> </p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0006/mp3_rerun/"><b>The Perfect Score</b></a><br> Movie themes by Aerosmith, Disney, Jewel</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0009/trask/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>A Tour of the Trask Museum</b></a><a href="mh/0009/zagat/index.cfm" target="_self"><b><br> </b></a>America's finest collection of ruthless robber baron art</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0009/tv/btm.cfm" target="_self"><b>Behind the Behind the Music: TLC<br> </b></a>A Modern Humorist Broadband Bon-Bon</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0004/askjeez/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>Ask Jeez<br> </b></a>Helpful hints from the son of God</font><br> <a href="archive.cfm"><br> <img height="75" width="240" src="central/images/archive_new.gif" border="0"></a><br> </p> </td> <td width="1" height="627"></td> <td width="1" bgcolor="black" height="627"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> <td width="1" height="627"><img height="1" width="1" src="images/spacer.gif"></td> <td width="225" valign="top" height="627"> <center> <p><font size="1"><a href="mh/by/cartoons/"><br> <img src="central/images/kk.gif" border="0" width="205" height="80"></a><b><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"> </font></b></font></p> <p><a href="http://www.vh1.com/thewire/rantsraves/modhumor/macdonna.jhtml" target="_blank"><img src="central/images/mhvh1.gif" width="240" height="57" border="0"></a><br> <b><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1">On now: Macdonna, The Scottish Wedding</font></b></p> <p align="center"><img height="38" width="184" src="central/images/popularest.gif"><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><b><br> </b></font></p> </center> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/by/bush/"><b>Burning Bush</b></a><br> The mocking of the President 2000</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/by/eb/" target="_self"><b>The New Adventures of Encyclopedia Brown<br> </b></a>The Case of the Dead Child Beauty Queen, The Case of the Pirated MP3s, etc.</font></p> <p><a href="mh/0005/harry/index.cfm"><b><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Harry Potter and the Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius<br> </font></b></a><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">A cross-breeding of today's foremost literary talents</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0009/zagat/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>Life's Toughest Critics<br> </b></a>Zagat surveys existence</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><b><a href="mh/0008/conventions/clintin.cfm">The Adventures of Clintin</a></b><br> "The Quest For the Nobel Prize" and other stories</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0009/history/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>Before There Was E-Mail<br> </b></a>Forwarding jokes through history</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0006/worst/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>The Real-Life Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook<br> </b></a>How to endure karaoke, blood pudding, Billy Bob Thornton</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><b><a href="mh/0010/starsaga/">Star Saga: Inside the making of the "Star Saga" saga</a></b><br> Your favorite sci-fi epic as you've never seen it before</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><b><a href="mh/0010/dotcom/">First Aid for the Dying Dot-Com </a></b><br> A post-New Economy safety poster</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0004/jerry/" target="_self"><b>J: The Jerry Magazine<br> </b></a>First Oprah, now Rosie... Who's next?</font></p> <p><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><a href="mh/0007/aol/index.cfm" target="_self"><b>Mirsky Gets Answers On Line <br> </b></a>The original Internet celebrity has some questions</font></p> <p><br> <a href="http://modernhumoriststore.com" target="_blank"><font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica" size="2"><img height="57" width="240" src="central/images/money-ad.gif" border="0"></font></a></p> <center> <p> </center> </td> <td width="1" height="627"></td> <td width="1" height="627"></td> </tr> <tr height="15"> <td height="15"></td> <td height="15" colspan="6" valign="top"></td> <td width="1" height="15"></td> <td width="1" height="15"></td> </tr> <tr height="1"> <td height="1"></td> <td height="1" colspan="6" valign="top" bgcolor="black"><img src="images/spacer.gif" width="1" height="1"></td> <td width="1" height="1"></td> <td width="1" height="1"></td> </tr> <tr height="75"> <td height="75"></td> <td height="75" colspan="6"><br> <table width="460" border="0" align="center"> <tr> <td> <form action="house/redir.cfm" method="post" target="_blank"> <div align="center"> <input type="hidden" name="ad" value="1"> <font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1">Real Advertisement</font> <input type="image" src="central/ads/revolt2.gif" width="468" height="60" border="0"> <br> </div> </form></td> </tr> </table> </td> <td width="1" height="75"></td> <td width="1" height="75"></td> </tr> <tr height="15"> <td height="15"></td> <td height="15" colspan="6" valign="top"></td> <td width="1" height="15"></td> <td width="1" height="15"></td> </tr> <tr height="1"> <td height="1"></td> <td height="1" colspan="6" valign="top" bgcolor="black"><img src="images/spacer.gif" width="1" height="1"></td> <td width="1"></td> <td width="1" height="1"></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td colspan="6" valign="top"><img src="images/spacer.gif" width="1" height="1"></td> <td width="1"></td> <td width="1"></td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td colspan="9"> <center> <br> <img src="house/images/housefooter.gif" width="381" height="75" usemap="#Map" border="0"><map name="Map"><area shape="rect" coords="198,10,270,22" href="house/submissions.cfm"><area shape="rect" coords="198,24,258,38" href="house/feedback.cfm"><area shape="rect" coords="198,40,254,53" href="house/policies.html"><area shape="rect" coords="290,10,348,23" href="house/mediakit.html"><area shape="rect" coords="289,24,350,38" href="house/masthead.html"><area shape="rect" coords="290,40,350,53" href="house/subscribe.cfm"><area shape="rect" coords="1,1,184,63" href="http://modernhumorist.com"></map><br> <br> <font face="Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif" size="2">Copyright 2000 Modern Humorist, Inc. 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