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Anon Gives Up CP

Antonizoon edited this page Aug 13, 2014 · 3 revisions

Anon Gives up CP

The great experiment is over. What experiment you may ask? The one I started almost two years ago... Let me explain. About two years ago, a few months before my 18th birthday I realized that legally I couldn't be shielded from the various pornographic content that I indulged in knowingly under the pretense that because I was a minor I wouldn't be v&'d significantly, anymore. [If you don't know what sort of "content" I'm talking about then all I have to say is either I envy you for your innocence or hate you for your ignorance.] Thinking this I descended into a strange existential funk... I had realized that even though I was about to enter young adulthood and would be able to partake of porn legally, purchased by myself... my interests that I had in porn seemed exceedingly perverse and unjustifiable... even to me. It seemed like every time I finished jacking off to this... questionable content, I would feel depressed that I actually had any interest in the stuff. But of course, that didn't deter me from trying a few more times... for a while. A few days later I tried fapping to the stuff and I became ill... not just emotionally ill... physically ill. I almost threw up. I don't know what happened between my revelation and then, but just looking at the videos I started to think about the abuse and coercion that these girls went through to produce these videos... And then after throwing up into my wastebasket, I cried. I then thought about the issue more: I wasn't just crying for the girls, I was crying for myself. I had reached such a level of moral and ethical relativism and at the same time consideration for the evils of the content that I didn't know what I felt... And if you've ever been in a situation where you can't qualify what the fuck you're feeling or thinking... you know how I felt. It took me a few days of one of the most depressive broodings I've ever been through before I could make any further thought on the matter before becoming outraged... But, then I realized something... That even though I felt disgusted and outraged at the content itself, there were some factors of the content that on a sub-concious or primal level still attracted me to it... And not just "that content"... all types of pornography. Digging deeper I also realized that: [1] I wasn't a moral relativist, I was a pornographic relativist. As long as the porn contained a vagina, breasts, some sort of sexual contact, or even IMPLIED SO... I could masturbate to it. The added bonus to "the content" was the thrill of the illegality of it... even though the thought of being caught and prosecuted for such materials was one of my greatest fears [and still is]. [2] I was a pornography addict. There was no way to look at it. Past 9th grade, I could barely go even two days without masturbating... My days were consumed with constant sexual thoughts... And yes, I do realize this is normal for males, but like some of my choices in "fapping material", some of my thoughts were even perverse and distasteful to me... I couldn't control them... And even worse whenever my eyes and mind would wander in every day situations... Running groceries, riding the bus, visiting friends... These same disturbing sexual thoughts would arrise almost automatically. I needed to talk to someone. So I did... I talked to many of my friends... Some of who's perversities equalled or excelled mine. Many said that I was just overreacting and being paranoid... But one friend looked me in the eyes and said frankly [to paraphrase]: "Man, you're obviously split between your morality and your penis... But before you move to either extreme maybe you should consider both aspects." His words were the only words that I really identified with... but even with his wisdom sealed tightly in my psyche, I still moved towards an extreme---I decided that I would spend some time...I didn't know how much time...masturbating to all different kinds of porn and noting my reactions to each. If I felt over time that my previous ontological outburst was just a reaction to the stress I was going through at the time [some of the worst tribulations of my life... but that is a story for another time] then I would logically and rationally soothe myself every time that I felt guilty for enjoying such "content". But if at the end of this trial-and-thought period I still felt as empty, guilty, angry, remorseful and overall conciously wanting to rid myself of my perversions, then I would go cold turkey... No more porn, no more masturbation. So I began this long experimentation. It lasted two years... I could detail the extensive process itself, but that, again, is a story for another time. And, I didn't keep any physical or digital notes for fear that if I DID get v&'d for the browsing of this "content" that the notes would surface somehow and be used against me. But, I will tell you the end of the process. It occured today. Not so long ago. Here is what happened: I browsed some various contents, even browsing some of "that content"... and, for the first time since the original time I did so, I became physically sick. I had the same feeling of vomit slowly creeping through my belly into my throat, the same emotionall discord that I had previously felt... The same reactions... Except this time, I knew EXACTLY what I needed to do: I needed to stop. Then, now and forever. I realized that the one thing that was truly, absolutely, undesireably consistent in my "content notations" was an overarching desire to stop... And I realized that the only thing preventing me from stopping was myself and that ultimately all I had did was prolong my own suffering and kept making excuses for the sake of a few moment's pleasure and orgasm in the face of years of immoral and psychological self-torture. So, in this new, prime truth I declare: The great experiment is over. This is a declaration of my independence. I am giving up all pornography... illegal and legal forever. Does this mean I am giving up tasteful erotica in the form of art and writing? [Example: Alan Moore's beautiful "Lost Girls" graphic novellas. I have a copy [a physical copy, not just a scan] right here in the room I am typing this in.] No, but I will be constantly checking myself to see that I don't return to pornographic content. Does this mean I am giving up masturbation? No. I had to consider this one for a while, and after much soul-searching I've come to the conclusion the the few times that I multiple orgasmed [Yes, men... It IS possible for us.] and felt truly satisfied on multiple levels [physically, mentally, emotionally] were the times that I masturbated with nothing but my imagination as a guide... I realize that to some this may seem to be a contradiction of my previous statements about my imagination running rampant, but to me it seems to make perfect sense... My mind is the brush and easel, my penis is the medium and my neurological system is the canvas... And it is when I am in full control of my sexual self-expression that I make art. [Yes, /b/tards I know that was probably the corniest statement in this whole writing. Shut up, it has sentimental value to me.] Besides thinking about how best you can troll me for posting something meaningful, non-grossly entertaining [though those of you who grasp subtlety or can see personal relevance in my words might enjoy this], fappable, meme-related or funny, I think a lot of you may be saying... It just can't be done. One cannot walk into the Mordor or sexual mental and physical control as well as pornographic- non-addiction... Well all I can say is: We'll see. Personally if the choice is between horrible guilty and self-disgust or constant horniness, sex drive repression and redirecting and maybe a return to nocturnal dreams, then I'm going to strive harder than I've ever strived for the latter. And that is all that really matters to me. That ultimately, I can say: I tried, as fucking hard as I could, I tried. I'll post in a few weeks with an update on my progress. In advanced, thank you for taking the time to read this... whether you're going to disregard this totally, respond tactfully and respectfully or just troll me. (P.S.- No, I'm not giving up the chans. Whether pathetically or awesomely, Chan-culture has become a part of my life in recent years, and I don't see it not being so. Anonymous... and the abilities that come with being Anonymous is too much of a great thing to go "cold turkey" on. So, in the faceless masses, you will see me march in tune to a single beat my /b/rethren. [Note: I will be posting this on various chans, including 12chan, 34chan, 7chan, 4chan and Wtfux. Shut up, you know you look at other chans, too.) (P.P.S.- What will I do if I see a pornographic image on a chan? I won't click on it and move on. Simple.) (P.P.P.S.- No, I'm not Snacks, nor did he put me up to this. Does that answer your question, Wade?)

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