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rvale7 edited this page Jun 6, 2015 · 4 revisions

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15M GET

For almost THREE MINUTES /b/'s highest post count was 14999949. All attempts at posting were blocked with a "MySQL connection failure." I can believe a connection failure for 90%, 99%, or 99.9% of the total posters. But for three minutes not ONE post made it to /b/. That's IMPOSSIBLE. By the laws of probability at least a few posters should have been able to successfully post. But no. ALL POSTS were blocked for THREE MINUTES. After this time, we are greeted with a stickied 15000000GET of Spacecataz. The first post in the sticky was made FOUR MINUTES after that sticky was supposed to have been posted. With tens of thousands of /b/tards refreshing madly, is it remotely plausible that it took thousands of pairs of eyes FOUR MINUTES to locate the sticky and type out a reply? Or rather, is it more plausible that that sticky was made during the "dark period" wherein nobody could post? Nobody, that is, except for you know who. The trick to mod fuckery is not to make it obvious, guys. There have been failGETS before, but at least there was a glimmer of hope that they were simply failing users, not mods stroking their bloated egos. Now there can be no doubt. Fuck you, mods. Fuck you.

100$ Serious

>> I've just realized... America is shit. Britain ruled the world for hundreds of years and we can't even take down Vietnam and get constantly bullied by shitty countries like NK and Iran. The realization just hit me, holy shit.

yea making fun of the united states is so funny, so funny i forgot to laugh. If you wanna talk like that to me why don't you come here and say it to me face so i can answer your insults with a swift fist to the nose. yea you have a lot to say from hundreds of miles away but i bet if my fists were in reach of your face you would be like a tv on mute with no volume button So do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut unless you want to die. Next time you think about saying something like that to me I want you to remember one thing. I know the guy that created google maps and I can locate you in the time it took me to type this.Don't want anymore problems....didn't think so faggots. You have any idea what gorilla warfare is? I do, I was in the US Marine Core and I perfected it. I'm fully capable of using it on you motherfuckers. Do you know the dander you're in if I find you? I am 100$ serious. Bunch of god damn newfaf loser here and I will not have it. At least I've had sex, had girlfriends, and gotten laid, and blowjobbed unlike you virgin pieces of unpatriotic SHIT!

4chan needs to grow up

Attention 4chan!

I recently came upon 4chan when a friend recommended I visit the sites for a few laughs. I figured "What the hell? I could use some laughs." I must say that when I came on I was disgusted and not amused at all. Why you ask? Because everything on this entire site is literally shit! I mean yes there is funny pictures posted every now and then. But honestly; Do any of you little shits have a life? I mean are you so immature and unintelligent that you find things like cartoon porn and random naked woman shaking their boobs funny?

GROW UP! Grow up 4chan. You all seriously need a reality check, You could be doing so many things in the day, yet you all choose to sit around on your fucking fat ugly asses and post pictures and then make sarcastic or idiotic comments like "tits or gtfo" and "o rly?".

Get off you fat asses and do something better with your life. I mean all of you have no life, no social life either for that matter. The supposed "girls" that come on here and converse with you are just as much losers are you, they are either fatter then fatty-tan or a term you'd better understand "A trap".

Well I've put in my two cents, and on a last note, I will do everything in my power to expose this site to people who will react legally upon this disgusting filthy site. This is not the end. It's just beginning. Grow up!

-DG

4chan unban appeal

Dear /b/, was I naïve to think this would unban me on NIGGERTITS? pic unrelated Good day modders / owners of 4chan.com,

Firstly, let me tell you that my ban, in principle, was just and that I wasn't using Tor at the moment it was filed, neither do I posses a dynamic IP.

The reason I was banned was for posting child pornography, of which I was pretty much unaware. It happened a few days ago, at March 8th 2008 to be exact.

I will try to simulate what I said as good as I can, for I cannot memorize exactly what I typed. It all originated by a conversation on Xfire: I got a link in Xfire from a friend of mine named "Max" (Note: this is not his actual Xfire username.) To a video on YouTube, depicting children from, I think the age of either 12-15 (I cannot confirm this, throughout the entire video there was a vagina for about a minute or two, no faces - just voices.) First I thought this video must have been fake, for it was YouTube after all - as far as I know there are no pornographic videos on this site, and it would be strictly forbidden to post them.

Without any further consideration I went to 4chan, the /b/ board to be exact and there I made a new topic, stating ; CPTUBE DELIVERS! with a Pedobear image, in which Pedobear gasped with eyes wide open. and underneath the link towards the video on YouTube. This was probably already the point of no return.

The fact is that I was pretty much unaware about the fact that light child pornography (although I thought this was fake after all, I am not in the possession of anything related to child pornography - nor did I have the intent to post anything of the likes) was entirely forbidden on this site - as far as I know and heard 4chan has no rules at all, but it seems that I was wrong. I have been visiting 4chan for about a week or two, and in these past weeks I came across a variety of topics posting children with somewhat funny notes like "But I poop from there!", accompanied by a lot of Pedobear images - I thought this was rather hilarious.

As this was YouTube I considered the video to be harmless - the video came from YouTube, a popular, respected streaming site containing many videos, but none of them circulating around pornography or anything in those lines because this is forbidden. Neither am I a person to enjoy anything in line with child pornography. I am a healthy heterosexual who has no interests in this. I only posted for amusement of others (at which I probably failed, sadly - and also resulting in a most fearsome permanent ban.) After I posted the video, yes after - I asked my friend Max, where he got the video from - he linked me to another post on 4chan, and he also explained me that this wasn't fake, and I realized at that point that I was very stupid to believe it was. I'm pretty new to 4chan, I absolutely love the /b/ board, and as there are no rules at all I thought I could post just about anything I wanted to - but it seems that I crossed the line - and let me apologize for being inconsiderate, I acted hastily. I would be very disappointed if this ban will not be lifted. In the future, if you are so kind to lift the ban that is, I will abide by the rules and make sure I think before I post, also it will be easy to track me down if I do not keep my own promise - I have a static IP address, so banning me again permanently will be incredibly easy.

I hope I did not take too much of your time, and let me apologize again for my stupidity. 4chan is a great website. I put a lot of effort in my plea, and I hope it has been enough to make you change your mind, if it necessary Max can confirm the content of this story. I give you my regards, Anonymous

(PS: If I made any spelling mistakes, I'm sorry I could not root those out, English is not my first language after all.)

50 Cent

STFU and Look, I'm sick and tired of yall critisizing 50. I know EVERYTHING there is to know about 50 Cent. He is the best rapper out there, and if you don't think so, well you don't know music and you don't even listen to all of 50 Cent's songs. Some of the songs may be a little nasty but that isn't all he raps about. He sings about violence bacause he had somuch of it in his life! i mean he DID see his mother be murdered. and he sings about drugs sometimes because he dealed crack at a young age. he lost a lot of loved ones at a very young age too. he didn't start dealing drugs until that happened. Maybe you all should give his music a chance- by one of his cds. One day, i will meet 50 and tell him all about what i think. 50 Cent is the best!

-- 7chan Theme Song ==

A long long time ago I can still remember how the Jailbait used to make me smile.

And I knew if we had done well, Those furfags would have yiffed in hell, And there'd be no more newfags for awhile...

But Gaia faggots made me shiver, with every /r/equest I delivered. Bad news on the front page; I barely held in my nerd rage.

I can't remember if I cried when I saw the stickies far and wide, but someone called the F.B.I., the day that 4chan died.

So..

Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5 Some good old lulz were had on that aging *chan Posting "This'll be the day we get banned, this'll be the day we get banned."

Now did you write the rules of /b/, and were we like Fight Club secretly? It was better then, if you ask me...

Now do you believe in a fucking cat? Can Raptors save your mortal ass? And can you teach me how to "GET" reeeal faaast?

Well I know that Tom Green rued the day when we called his hotline to make him say "Do a barrel roll!" Man, I dig those crazy trolls!

I was a lonely teenage hate machine with a new computer and an old routine, but I knew someone would intervene the day that NIGGERTITS died.

And we we posting, "Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5" Some good old lulz were had on that aging *chan Posting "This'll be the day we get banned, this'll be the day we get banned."

And there we were all on the *chan With Gaston groupies and Desu spam With no time left to start again.

So come on, post some CP, post some tits, Post a picture of your 2-inch dick, Because in the pooper is where they stick.

And as moot posted "No more Grey" The mods were banning night and day No /b/rother born to lurk Could stand that circle jerk!

The flamewars mounted left and right, From mods who'd gotten too uptight, I saw Bob Ross laughing in delight, The day that FAILchan died

And he was singing, "Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5" Some good old lulz were made on that aging *chan Posting "This'll be the day we get banned, This'll be the day we get banned."

-

I found a site that didn't lose, So I asked them for some happy news, But they just told me to lurk some moar.

I bookmarked this new "7chan"- Where the mods were cool and they didn't ban, Just for posting contraband.

And back at '4, the lolis screamed, The oldfags left and the newfags beamed, But no anon was jokin'. The combos all were broken.

And the three mods most requiring hax, The Ian, the Moot and the holy Snacks- They drove to Mexico and laughed, The day that FAILchan died.

And we were posting...

Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site, Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5 Some good old lulz were had on that aging *chan Posting "This'll be the day we're all banned, this'll be the day we're all banned."

9/11

The official report by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) relating to the two planes that crashed into WTC on September 11, 2001 shows that they were traveling at a speed of 945 km/h and 796 km/h respectively.

Pilots for 9/11 Truth, an international organization of pilots and aviation professionals, has pointed out that, according to the manufacturer, the Boeing 767 develops structural failure and dismembers at a speed surpassing 660 km/h when flying at near sea level in thick air. This has also been certified by a former senior NASA executive, Dwain Deets.

It necessarily follows that the aircraft that slammed into the World Trade Center could not have been the planes corresponding to commercial flights United 175 and American 11.

In his book The Big Lie, Thierry Meyssan had entertained the possibility that the two aircraft had actually been substituted by military planes according to the procedure contemplated in Operation Northwoods (p. 168).

The NTSB report, which was declassified at the request of Pilots for 9/11 Truth, had already revealed that the cockpit door of flight American 77 had remained locked from the time of take-off until it disappeared from radar screens and allegedly crashed at the Pentagon site. The logical conclusion is that it would have been materially impossible to highjack the flight.

Abortion

Month One: Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two: Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three: You know what Mommy, I'm a girl!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four: Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes, and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five: You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six: I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy!! HELP me!! No...

Month Seven: Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus' arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me Mommy? We would have been so happy together.

AC Slatering

Guys this is probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I was at my girlfriends house tonight for dinner, and shortly after i had to go #2. My Gf's brother was in the downstairs bathroom, so i went upstairs to use the master bathroom. I was about to take a dump, and I remembered something my friend told me called AC Slatering. AC Slatering is when you take a dump facing backwards on the toilet, just how on saved by the bell AC Slater always sat backwards on a chair. So when I was taking a dump, My stomach was facing the back of the toilet, and my back was facing the door. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and began to get nervous. Since AC Slatering is a tough position to get into, it requires taking off your pants. So there I am sitting in my GF's parents bathroom taking a dump with my pants off and facing the wrong way on the toilet. My dump was about halfway out when the footsteps became closer. I then turned around to see that I had not locked the door. Trying to finish as quickly as I could, I began pushing harder and harder. Suddenly, the door opened, and my gf's mom stood there in shock staring at me. We made eye contact for a split second, and I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. I quickly finished up, got dressed, and ran out of the house as quickly as I could. I am expecting my gf to break up with me tomorrow. I am so embarrassed and I hope my gf doesn't blabber about this, Ill die if anyone else finds out.

Affirmative action

Hey /b/,

Given that most of us are progressive, educated, liberal thinkers - would most of you give up your job for a black man (or woman)? Black people have been treated so unfairly and to this day, receive inequality in society. Being open minded liberals, shouldn't we be willing to be the first to better our world and help balance out the equation?

tl;dr - Would you be willing to give you job to a black person to fight racism?

Allahu akbar

Hey Fags

Instead of sitting around on the internet all day, posting pointless messages and abusing yourselves to pictures of loose women, why not do something productive and surrender your lives to Allah?

Western society has become decadent, weak, and lazy, and is soon to collapse. The upcoming generation, people such as yourselves, want nothing more from life than to grow fat sitting around on computers all day, masturbating, drinking, and taking drugs. You are encouraged in this behaviour by corrupt politicians and absent new age parents while your societies and economies collapse around you. Meanwhile the Muslim Ummah, or brotherhood, grows rich on oil wealth and trains its upcoming generation to serve Allah, and to fight, willing to give their lives if necessary for the cause. The 19 hijackers of 9/11 have surely earned their place in paradise as do the suicide bombers who strike daily into the heart of the devil state of Israel. We are living among you, in Europe and America, and we are outbreeding you day by day, slowly taking over.

Allah has a plan for each of us. He means us all to be good Muslims and live by his rules, as set out to the Prophet Muhammed (pbuh). Your sinful lives and wicked ways go against His plans, and you will be tortured for eternity in hell for your iniquities. Repent now and revert back to the one true faith.

Where your joke of a faith, which no one in your society believes in anyway, tells you to love, be tolerant, and turn the other cheek, the Quran teaches us to "Kill the unbelievers wherever you find them, capture and besiege them and prepare for them every kind of ambush."

It also says "Against them make ready your strength to the utmost of your power, including steeds of war, to strike terror into (the hearts of) the enemies, of Allah and your enemies".

How can you hope to win your futile so called 'war on terror' against us? You have become weak, and no longer willing or able to fight. You even elected a pacifist president with Muslim sympathies to try and placate us. It's only a matter of time until we win. Even now your soldiers contine to die on the battlefields of Afghanistan, and for what? The moment you leave, it will be back to traditional Sharia law. Your technological advances count for nothing if all you do with them is watch porn and play video games. We will continue our jihad on the west, to maim and kill those who oppose or insult us. See the truth for what it is and revert to Islam immediately. It is your only hope of survival.

Alpha male

I'm an Alpha male /b/.

And girls want to fuck alpha males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true. That girl you like who is kinda cute in a weird way, but is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who treat her wrong for reasons you don't understand? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn't called her in 3 days, and no matter how long you listen to her, she'll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you fucking touch her beyond that?

Yeah, I'm fucking her.

The hot girl who won't even look at you when you nod at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the hallway and drop your stuff? The one who comes up and coyly asks for your help with her homework, and then pretends you don't exist once you finish?

Yeah, I'm fucking her too, even harder.

The geeky girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays warcraft on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She's so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven't worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her?

Guess who just sucked me off and told me they'll always love me?

Anime club

/b/, I seek your wisdom.

I'm in anime club at my college (I'll avoid saying which to avoid someone finding out who this is), and it was a weekly meeting as to what we wanted to watch on Thursday, our next club meeting. Being the otaku that I am, I suggest that we watch The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi. The whole club doesn't know what I'm talking about and goes on to talk about some stupid shit like Brain Powerd and Gunslinger Girl. I was enraged that they wouldn't even consider, if I may say so, the greatest anime of the past millennium, so I threw a punch at one of them and broke their glasses. I wanted Haruhi, and they wouldn't fucking show it. It serves him right; he smelled bad and always misused Japanese words. I was born in Japan and lived there until I was two, and here this fat fuck is spouting out horrible Japanese. I was pissed.

After I punched him, he looked as if he was going to cry. Serves him right. He fought back, and I think he fucking broke my nose in the process. What gave him the right to do that? Being too enraged to care, I attacked back and grabbed his neck tightly. I strangled him and drained every inch of life out of him. When I finished shaking him, I noticed he was dead. I panicked, locked the door, closed the windows, put up the blinds, and turned off the lights in the room.

So here I am, in the clubroom, after hours. I just recently covered from the shock, and I decided to post here because I'm frightened. What should I do? HELP!

(I couldn't find a really relevant image on Google image search so I'm using this, since my [former] club president's laptop which I'm using only has a bunch of xxxHOLiC hentai.)

Anime is not for nerds

For nerds? Well excuse me... Some people grew up with it and is part of there culture aka asians. Also its a good thing to do when ur bored. + your list of anime is prob less thn 0.001% of whats actually on the market. Not all anime are or children and nerds there are large varietys targeted at different groups. Also teen titans is not really anime tho drawn in a very similar/same style as anime. There are certain rules it does not follow making it a cross breed And yes i am awfully offended at your steriotyping. Thankyou. P.s. and no animes not just about hentai... Add more variety to your gallery...

Anon is fail

Hey guise! guess wut! The other chans failing is due to the same reason youre failing! tl dr? try to keep up. Now, a big steaming pile of you chonners are leaderless, homeless, angry, and rejected. Hmmm. Do any of you dummies even possess any computer skills? I see fail in here every time I check. "Hey has anyone taken these?" stupid drug questions are ubiquitous. Gb2w/e is omnipresent. anon will not amount to anything, you cant even pull together for a simple task of destroying a cult. Even Maddox could've owned Enkindlers already, if he chose to. Usenet makes you idiots look like, well, not even simple script kiddies. Usenet is the big leagues. why dont you faceless anon sissies graduate now that your penis has shriveled up? Every last one of you weirdos know you only posess any influence in these chons. all of you experience fail IRL perpetually. Oh, wait I forgot. a bunch of 15 yr olds posting pics of mediocre JB from facebook are gonna change the world! Ooooh what a force to be reckoned with. Your Fuhrur Kirt was pwned from another continent away. No one cares about you, not even you. Youve made no impact. Your faceless leaderless digital revolution FAILD. The only ppl who think anon is cool is noofag anon wannabes, no one likes them, no one likes you, and you're used to it. Hmm. nice life you've carved for yourselves. Longcat is an opossum in drag, Chris Hansen is in your ports, killin' all your doods, furfags actually torment you in the rest of the interwebs, and you STILL haven't managed to make a dent in Enkindlers. you better just keep praying you don't piss real 373371575 off. Usenet mutherfuckers will netbusfuck you. Buncha weeaboos, furfags, and Dragonball Z fans. anon = ricers who are too young and/or nerdy to get laid... Pathetic. Please fuckin ban me. If i ever come back here I want to be reminded how awesome you nerds are compared to me... on the internet. Meanwhile, Im gonna record my big titty GF chocking on my 8 1/2 in. of pipe on my cellphone and NOT post it here, because you guys have too much banning to do. enjoy your misery shiteaters :)

Anon saves life

/b/ I saved a life today it happened on my flight back from Puerto Rico. When we first boarded the plane they made an announcement that they had someone one on board who was deafly allergic to nuts. So half way through the flight i see one of the flight crew walking back to the rear of the plane. At first im like oh shit we all gonna die cause he was looking very worried. Also at this time the plane made a wide turn pointing us completely away form our destination which was JFK. So where all sitting there like oh fuck making our peace with god believing that the plane could turn into a fucking fireball any moment. Then one of the flight attendants came over the loud speaker asking is there a doctor on the plane? Now im a paramedic so i headed over to the back of the plane to see whats happening. when i get there i see a poor bastard in anaphylactic shock apparently some wise ass thought it was smart to open up a can of peanuts. so i started treating him since he had his meds with him but then his fucking heart stops. so i start cpr immediately asking if there is a AED machine on board there is thank god so the flight attendant runs and gets it . I was able to shock the poor bastard back to life and get him stable so the plane could finish its flight to JFK he was still in danger as long as that peanut dust was in the air so we started our final approach into JFK and the pilot at this time was hauling fucking ass to get us into the airport quick we landed at like 200 something miles per hour. as soon as the plane stopped moving i could hear sirens headed towards the plane and in like 30 mins the rear cabin door burst open and they rushed the poor bastard out. i later learned that if it had not been for my actions then he most likely would have died. Also after the flight the captain bought me a drink it was awesome.

Anontalk apocalypse

Many of you may be aware of the current storm looming in the distance. The general chan sphere is being thrown increasingly into chaos by the spambots of Anontalk. 12chan is being spammed to hell. 420 /b/ is a radioactive zone. 99chan, ED, 711chan, OVERchan, and 420chan are all down. And the list grows. 7chan… Have you seen their front page? They told their users to peacefully, and LEGALLY report anontalk.com to their isp. As of 11 pm Eastern Standard Time, pings to 7chan.org have ceased to resolve.

To put it simply, our usually peaceful coexistence has been threatened by a hostile and outside force that is hellbent on our mutual destruction. If there was any shred of a doubt, it should be gone now. We knew about this months ago, and yet nothing was done. And by our inaction we have allowed the problem to grow and grow until it has become something that not even the full combined force of the chans can keep at bay.

The hordes of /b/ raided anontalk a few days ago, in the thousands. Flooding, spamming, all a just recompense for the months of faggotry endured at the hands of anontalk. But nothing prepared them for what awaited, not even Ackbar could have foreseen the trap we had stumbled into. Anontalk.com was the most exploit ridden, malware spewing website that I have seen for as long as I can remember. The effects were swift and brutal. Nothing stood in their way, whether it be Firefox, Linux, mac, peerguardian or whatever the skiddies used to cover their tracks. It had come down to the final showdown, and all our overwhelming numbers… they meant nothing. The newfags only served to add minions to the anontalk swarm, bots which were used to crush down 4chan in a fiery orgy of DDOS. Those who escaped fled, stricken with terror, shouting and spamming nonsensically for eyes and ears which remained closed. Few cared or bothered to read the dire warnings, until it was too late.

The worm which they loaded into the newfags computers is a versatile sonuvabitch. It spreads, copies itself, and randomizes its core processes so that it can change and evade the most sophisticated defense mechanisms in real time, all without a central server update. It sends itself through AIM, skype, irc, hamachi, etc. and anyone who has had contact with a victim is vulnerable. It completely takes control of a compromised system, and automatically scans the ports of its next targets, looking, just looking for a way in. I am sitting here writing this in a dark room on an old laptop running CD booted dynebolic Linux. No matter what the technology, they cant get to my CD collection. I have cut myself off from any form of direct contact with any of my associates, for their protection and mine. The windows partition is completely overrun, even with Linux running shit is extremely slow. I just know its in the firmware now, I only have a few minutes perhaps, saved by the usually pain in the ass shittiness of my comp. The piece of shit is overheating, what are they trying to do, kill me and everyone else on the street with fire? My router is completely compromised, I had to unplug it and dig out an old adapter and connect to the piece of shit citywide wifi, its worse than dial up, but internet is internet. If things get real bad I can always dig out my old win 3.1 computer (lol Netscape), but the monitor is downstairs and I can’t remember whether or not I threw it out.

Anonymous does not raid

ANONYMOUS DOES NOT FUCKING RAID. WHEN YOU LEAVE /b/ YOU ARE NO LONGER ANONYMOUS. ALL that raiding does is establish a link with the disgusting identity-saturated world that exists outside of 4chan. A person doing, referencing, or talking about things that belong inside /b/ while outside is just an idiot. We are all fucking idiots here, but because we are ALL anonymous and ALL acting randomly we create something WONDERFUL, something that is not just a bunch of random crap but EVERYTHING, and because we have no identity here each and every one of us owns the ENTIRE sum of our efforts. What you people are doing is NOT anonymous, you are no longer anonymous, you are "anonymous from /b/" you get an identity, you may call yourselves anon BUT YOU ARE NOT ANONYMOUS! YOU DO NOT TAKE /b/ WITH YOU! The environment which transforms random acts into enlightenment is NOT THERE, you do nothing but make yourselves look stupid and POTENTIALLY THREATEN OUR FUTURE. Many of you do not even understand what /b/ is. You have come here too late and where absorbed into this newbie raiding culture. At first it started small, but then my mom got scared. She sent me to live with my auntie and uncle in bel-air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near, its license plate said fresh and it had a dice in the mirror. That is more or less harmless. BUT YOU IDIOTS ARE RUINING IT. We should not have started, WE DID NOT KNOW IT WOULD HAVE TO KEEP GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER. ALREADY THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS ARE BEING FELT! Look around you; it's now around seven or eight and we've dispatched the cabbie; finally, we have a chance to sit on our thrones as princes of bel-air. mock-fighting is now turning into real hostilities. /b/ IS NOT AN INTERNET POWER, we are a STATE OF MIND. There is no /b/ army, there is no /b/-'anything', there is only /b/ and anonymous.

Anonymous, I know who you are

Anonymous,

I know who you are. You're almost invariably male, Caucasian, middle-class. Your parents were normal, vanilla folks. Maybe you had a sibling or two.

You went to a public school, pulling high or middlish grades with ease and relative disinterest. You didn't really gel with most of the other kids; you found them boring, they found you weird. Your contempt for the average person grew with your age, never seizing control like in some emo dipshit, but simmering casually in the back of your head. When some asshole who could barely read got hurt, you probably laughed. When some stuck-up skank got herpes, you probably smiled. Chances are you got on well enough with your teachers; you weren't a preening asshole like many of your peers, at least showed vague interest in learning, and perhaps the teacher sensed and picked up on your general contempt for others in your classes. This trend no doubt continued into college, if you had the motivation to bother.

It's a bit of an exaggeration to say you hate women: you don't, after all, enjoy the socializing game. You're probably no Don Juan, either. You long ago began to think of women as disappointingly petty, but you still hope to encounter someone interesting at some time or another.

You enjoy being anonymous because it is a release from the normal world: no anonymous has an identity, no anonymous is a preening faggot. Anonymous realizes he is just a guy fucking around on the internet. Anonymous knows others of his kind enjoy this fact, too. You despise the furfag, the gaiafag, the internet tuff guy for one simple reason: he acts like the internet is the real world, a place where actions should have social consequences and where there needs to be a pecking order. Needless to say, you do not approve.

Ant problems

/b/ downstairs, my house has a major ant problem. Luckily I reside upstairs. Nevertheless, once every 5 minutes or so an ant comes trotting along my desk. First I place a coin or another object in its path. This confuses the ant, causing it to run off in a different direction, but my finger is waiting. I block its path with my finger. It runs in the opposite direction, but I anticipate this. Soon the ant is encircled by pens and other barriers, and if it attempts to climb them, swift punishment is issued. The ant remains in my arena. Then I take my knife, and nimbly place the tip onto one of its legs, holding it in place, then I press down hard and chop the leg off. The ant does not run, it merely enters a craze moving all around wildly. I allow it to suffer like this for a minute or so, chopping off another leg if it appears not to be in pain. Then comes a decision. Sometimes I will wait for another ant, and place it in the arena to see what it does. Occasionally it will pick up its comrade, and run off, but this is an offense punishable by death. Other times, I will merely watch the ant until it gives up. It will stop moving all but one leg. At this point I give in and slice the ant in two, putting it out of its misery. I save the corpses in a small pile, and once I have a considerable stack, I scatter them in my arena. This is where the real fun begins.

I venture outside to my back yard and find a red ant. This is my gladiator. I return to my room and place him in among the corpses. He wanders, confused. I do not let him leave. I pound the desk near him with my fingers, scaring him. I toughen my gladiator up until another ant comes along. I place the intruder into the arena. The red ant will go after the black ant, and they engage in mortal combat. If the red ant wins, another corpse decorates my arena. If the black ant vanquishes his foe, he wins the prize of life. I carry him in my hands and bring him downstairs and place him among his comrades. If he put up a good fight, I give him a warriors welcome and feed his colony with bread. If he barely defeated the red ant, he receives no food, only the gift of life. This is how i spent my afternoons.

Anti-American Alliance

The anti-American alliance is made up of self-loathing liberals who blame the Americans for every ill in the Third World, and conservatives suffering from power-envy, bitter that the world's only superpower can do what it likes without having to ask permission. The truth is that America has behaved with enormous restraint since September 11. Remember, remember. Remember the gut-wrenching tapes of weeping men phoning their wives to say, "I love you," before they were burned alive. Remember those people leaping to their deaths from the top of burning skyscrapers. Remember the hundreds of firemen buried alive. Remember the smiling face of that beautiful little girl who was on one of the planes with her mother. Remember, remember - and realise that America has never retaliated for 9/11 in anything like the way it could have. So a few al-Qaeda tourists got locked without a trial in Camp X-ray? Pass the Kleenex. So some Afghan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired their semi-automatics in a sky full of American planes? A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti. I love America, yet America is hated. America is hated because it is what every country wants to be - rich, free, strong, open, optimistic. Or do you really think the USA is the root of all evil? Tell it to the loved ones of the men and women who leaped to their death from the burning towers. Tell it to the nursing mothers whose husbands died on one of the hijacked planes, or were ripped apart in a collapsing skyscraper. And tell it to the hundreds of young widows whose husbands worked for the New York Fire Department. To our shame, George Bush gets a worse press than Saddam Hussein. Remember, remember, September 11. One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against America! No, do more than remember. Never forget.

Antisocial

Hey B, I'm new.

Well, there isn't much to tell really, I guess you could consider me gothic, I love Heavy Metal, Alternative, basically any kind of rock. If I don't like you, you'll be able to tell, trust me. The love of my life is Cori, I love her with all of my soul, though sometimes I may not show it. If you talk bad about me and Cori's relationship, I will not get pissed off, I'll just ignore you, as she most likely will too, it is none of your business, and you know it. I love the anime/manga Death Note, and that will never change, criticize me all you want, it will not change my passion. Light/Raito Yagami is my favorite character, you also will never change that. I also like Bleach, Naruto (Non-American, Fooly Cooly, and Cowboy Bebop, though I don't obsess over those like I do Death Note. I also love Vampires, Werewolves, and basically anything mythological. Drawing is another one of my likes, though I am a terrible artist. I'm a shy person, and I usually hate meeting new people, anti-social is a little strong of a word, but yes, I am.

American idiots

I am sick of tired of Americans everywhere. Specially politically speaking. I mean, you guys avoid doing any actual thinking! You just seat on your high political standpoints and call all those that don't agree with you "Liberal" or "Conservative". Now, your economy is getting fucked up and all you can do is point fingers to blame your opposing party, or immigrants, or just everyone that isn't you.

Why are you so lazy? Why don't you get up from your McDonald's fat ass and do something for yourselves? Starting with some thinking.

And for godsakes, don't be so freaking easy to manipulate! The stupid Iraq war for example. The whole country got played on like a drum, and you even elected dumbass bush a second time. After proving his Olympic grade incompetence for four years.

What good did the war serve? Other than screwing you economy that is.

AMERICAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

I'M KOREAN

SON OF A BITCH AMERICAN

AMERICAN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A HAMBURGER?

DO YOU WANT A PIZZA?

AMERICAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

GEORGE WALKER BUSH IS A MURDERER

FUCKING U.S.A

I'M ALBANIAN

SON OF A BITCH SERB

SERB IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A CEVAPCICI?

DO YOU WANT A PODVARAK?

SERB IS PIG DISGUSTING

SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC IS A MURDERER

FUCKING SERBIA

I'M SERBIAN

SON OF A BITCH ALBANIAN

ALBANIAN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A SHOPSKA?

DO YOU WANT A SKENDERBEG?

ALBANIAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

FATMIR SEJDIU IS A MURDERER

FUCKING KOSOVA

I'M GERMAN

SON OF A BITCH POLE

POLE IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A PIEROGI?

DO YOU WANT A KIELBASA?

POLE IS PIG DISGUSTING

LECH KACZYŃSKI IS A MURDERER

FUCKING POLAND

I'M POLISH

SON OF A BITCH GERMAN

GERMAN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A SAUERKRAUT?

DO YOU WANT A PUMPERNICKEL?

GERMAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

HORST KÖHLER IS A MURDERER

FUCKING GERMANY

I'M NORTHERN

SON OF A BITCH SECESSIONIST

SOUTHERN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A VIRGINIA HAM?

DO YOU WANT A CORN GRITS?

SOUTHERN IS PIG DISGUSTING

JEFFERSON FINIS DAVIS IS A MURDERER

FUCKING C.S.A

I'M SOUTHERN

SON OF A BITCH FEDERALIST

YANKEE IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A FREE NIGGER?

DO YOU WANT A UNIFIED REPUBLIC?

YANKEE IS PIG DISGUSTING

ABRAHAM LINCOLN IS A MURDERER

FUCKING U.S.A

I'M TERRAN

SON OF BITCH ALIENS

DO YOU WANT ZERG RUSH?

DO YOU WANT KEKEKEKEKE?

ZERG IS PIG DISGUSTING

THE OVERMIND IS A MURDERER

FUCKING STARCRAFT FAGS

I'M DOWN SYNDROME

SON OF A BITCH SMART PEOPLE

SMART PEOPLE IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A HIGH IQ?

DO YOU WANT A SOCIAL SKILLS?

SMART PEOPLE IS PIG DISGUSTING

EINSTEIN IS A MURDERER

FUCKING MENSA

I'M C++

SON OF A BITCH JAVA

JAVA IS PIG

DO YOU WANT OBJECT ORIENTED?

DO YOU WANT SHORT CIRCUIT?

JAVA IS PIG DISGUSTING

SUN MICROSYSTEMS IS A MURDERER

FUCKING JAVA

I'M PAINT SHOP

SON OF A BITCH PHOTOSHOP

PHOTOSHOP IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A LENS FLARE?

DO YOU WANT A SELECTIVE COLOR?

PHOTOSHOP IS PIG DISGUSTING

THOMAS KNOLL IS A MURDERER

FUCKING CS3

Angry Sun

When I was about nine, I had recently gotten a Nintendo Entertainment System from a garage sale down the road, the first gaming system I ever had. One game that I bought was Super Mario Brothers 3, the final chapter of the widely-acclaimed SMB trilogy, which like in the original Super Mario Brothers consisted of Mario/Luigi chasing after Princess Toadstool (whose name has since been bastardized to 'Peach'). Back on topic though; so I had advanced to World 2, "Desert Land" and I was moving along rather smoothly, in the back of my mind knowing that at some point the levels would start to get more difficult; I soon noticed a tile, one unlike the other tiles (Toad houses, numbered tiles, etc). It appeared to be some cross-hybrid of flowing diarrhea and sand, which caught my attention. I navigated my way to the tile, and hit the A button and was warped to what appeared to be a normal level; there even was a happy sunshine in the top left corner! As I side-scrolled my way through the level, the fucking sun decided to go apeshit and sodomize me repeatedly until I finally broke down in tears, throwing my controller at the ground screaming for my mom. That fucking bastard. And no, this is not copy pasta.

Ashtray

As we all know, smoking is really bad for your health. What a lot of people don't realize is that when you smoke, those few minutes of your expected lifespan are literally transformed into the ash you flick away into an ashtray. Ashtrays, each and every one of them, are constructed by a single group running several dozen front companies. Basically, unless you're putting out your smokes beneath your heel or in the ashtray your kid made at camp, you're dispensing your ashen life into this group's eager little recepticle. Their ashtrays absorb the life force from the ashes and sends it to a central holding facility. No one knows for sure what these guys are going to do when they've collected all that life energy, but it's probably going to be huge. Incidentally, there's talk of a rival organization leading the anti-smoking political agenda from behind the scenes. They probably figure removing smoking sections, and thus ashtrays, from restaurants and bars is a good first step towards thwarting whatever it is this ashtray company is trying to do.

Asian guy hates Asian girls

, they're so fucking annoying... i hate how they take pictures with the peace sign, try to be cute when they have mustaches and how they TyPe LyKe DiS~* ^_-, its really fucking annoying and unneccesary. They honestly can't take a hint that im not interested... theres this asian girl at my school who has more facial hair than i do and can throw a football harder than 90% of my school.. its pretty embarassing. and how they have no ass.. its like looking at a wall with jeans... i hate how they stare at me... they really need to spill battery acid on themselves...i mean you can't type your reports for your job LyKe ThiS~* its fucking unethical and retarded. i mean dont get me wrong there are some hot asian girls but thats rare, and even if they're hot they become more annoying and attach themselves to my arm like a fucking leach... sometimes i want to throw salt in their eyes to see if they'll shrivel up and die. and if you're not a somewhat pretty asian gir, you're disgusting... you can honestly cut some of their hair off and play them off as men. sometimes i get jealous because they have more facial hair than i do. oh and i hate it when they wear the color contacts... then be like AzN PRyDE! i mean wtf... you're trying to be caucasian.. i have no asian pride.. not with the asian girls i know... the only asian girl i dated was adopted by white parents... the rest were all white. i cant stand asian girls. DONT COME NEAR ME ANYMORE YOU SMELL LIKE CABBAGE AND YOU HAVE FACIAL HAIR.

Atari E.T.

Most gamers know the story of the hundreds of thousands of E.T. cartridges Atari crushed, encased in concrete, then buried in Alamogordo, New Mexico. What most gamers don’t know is who Atari buried along with them...

Atheist extremists

Atheist extremists fail just as bad as christian extremists.

Stop using the internet to try to change my mind about GOD. I believe in god that doesn't make me stupid or a bible humper it makes you a fag for trying to indoctrinate me and millions of others.Yeah I believe in god but I also believe in freedom to do what I want and think how I want without discrimination.Besides everyone knows that a little Christianity kicks ass,because us Christians have Christmas, the best fucking holiday ever.And if your and atheist and you celebrate Christmas then your a fucking hypocrite!So no present for you!

Autistic girlfriend

3 years ago, I met the young lady you see here. We started going out. No one else would go out with her because of her mild autism. She is completely antisocial but since she respected me, I talked to her on the Internet and she basically declared her feelings for me in the setting she always found most comfortable. We have been happily together now for 3 years, and a year ago I moved in with her at the request of her parents. She is really hard to deal with, but I enjoy doing things for her.

Her parents are fairly rich and they finance our living. They've effectively hired me to live with her and take care of her. They just wanted her out of their hair now that she's an adult. I'm not really doing it for the money, we live modestly and the only payment I receive is the food I eat and the roof over my head. I've learned to enjoy giving my time and love to her even if she doesn't always reciprocate.

As for the sex life, it can be rather dull. She can take care of herself for the most part, but will forget the little things. She's afraid to go outside alone or drive. She's afraid to try new things in general. Sometimes I have to remind her to brush her teeth or shower, but there is something to be said for a girl who's a little musky. It's rewarding because I can bathe her myself.

At first it was hard to deal with her, but then I realized that women are children first and partners second. I think of her not only as a passionate lover and friend, but also as a student.

I use the computer a lot less than I used to, I devote most of my time to her happiness now, and I feel much better for it.

I'll take your questions but I don't have all the answers.

Autobiographical account of the chain of events

I am presenting you with an autobiographical account of the chain of events that incited a chaotic, topsy-turvy time in my life. I beg of you to remain within a close proximity for but a scant few moments as I recount how I metamorphosed into the heir apparent of the municipality referred to as Bel-Air, California.

Amidst the occident of Philadelphia I had been sprung to life and had been nourished. A lion's share of my youth and adolescence was consumed by the outdoor entertainment facilities at the park. Carousing with my pals, merrymaking to my maximum ability, and unwinding, I often partook in a friendly match of basketball at the schoolhouse's arena.

It was during one of these excursions that a pair of rabble-rousing fellows instigated malevolence. I took part in nothing but a single skirmish, yet my mother became immersed in fear, at which point she commanded me to transfer my residence from her dwelling to that of my aunt and uncle in Bel-Air, California.

I proceeded to hail a taxi and, upon its arrival, I made out an inscription on the license plate that read "FRESH" and was intrigued by a pair of dice draped over the rearview mirror. If nothing else, a claim could be made that this particular taxi was atypical; however, I came to the conclusion that recollecting this occasion in the future would be a fruitless venture, so in lieu of attempting to implant this incident within my memory, I implored the chauffeur to transport me to my destination of Bel-Air, California.At approximately the seventh or eighth hour, I disembarked and proceeded to inform the driver that I would inevitably become acquainted with his odor at a later point in time.

At this juncture, I beheld my new abode and came to grips with the fact that my mission to become the heir apparent in Bel-Air, California, had been consummated.

Bento box

I'm looking for a bento box, it cant be pinku (that's Japanese for pink) or any girl color. It has to be of 2 or more kotoba (that's Japanese for 2 compartments) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. And you have to post pics of it first (i want to make shure it's kawaii [cute]). And it would be nice if it came with matching chopstick holder (WITH chopsticks). OH! and it CANNOT have any cartoon pictures, or be made out of plastic. It has to be made of ceramic, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was made in japan. and not in china or corea (Korea) or whatever. I have found a bento box similar to the one im describing in e-bay, but it was 1 kotoba, and i don't want my gohan (rice) to touch my other things (it can get wet and i would not like that, plus 2 compartments looks more kawaii)

Better than you

Hey, /b/tards!

I don’t know what’s wrong with you guys, seriously! You all bawwww about not having girlfriends, lives or any other shit. But here’s the truth:

-I have a girlfriend; she’s really hot. And I mean REALLY.

-I play keyboard. None of your shitty emo music, no. I play stuff people enjoy SOCIALLY.

-I have TONNES of friends, male and female. I’m funny, smart, and friendly.

-I get good grades. I’m going to get rich, while you faggots sit in your basements.

The best bit? I spend about 4 hours a day on here, and have done for about a year. I’m one of you, but not. I’m everything you want to be, but aren’t.

Pic is me. I got rid of my face, because I don’t want you freaks fapping to me.

Bitches don't know about my fetuses

If i was a girl, i would get pregnant as many times as possible, then have abortions after the third month of being pregnant so i would deliver a potato sized 1/3 developed dead fetus, then i would take the fetus, put it in a jar of preservative liquid and put it on a shelf in a secret room in my house, and i would do it until i had so many that the rooms walls were nothing but potato sized aborted fetuses, then i would have a kid and when they're bad i would make them sit in the fetus room.

Blackie

Hey /b/. I don't mean to sound like a racist, But what the hell is up with black youth? I ask this because of a few events that happened today. I was sitting in my English class this afternoon when a knock sounded at the door. Mind you, this took place about a half hour AFTER class started. Lo and Behold the person knocking was the only black student in my class. This is the first time this week that he actually showed up for class, and he sauntered in like he was early for class. He took a seat rather noisily and basically caused the class to pause until he settled down and finished saluting his homies. Class continued as normal until assignments were handed out. That is when he started to speak. My god, /b/, I have never heard a more blabbering, mumbling person speak in my life. I couldn't understand a damn thing coming out of his mouth. The few things I DID understand were him asking the difference between an "illusion" and "allusion", and his apparent hatred for homonyms. After the misunderstanding was cleared he then went on about how 'bling' his shoes were until the class ended. During the class he also claimed that the name '50 Cent' is a metaphor. So I ask this of you /b/, why can't black people learn to speak and/or pay attention? Why do they care more about their 90$ piece of shit 'bling' batman shoes than learning? I live in a town where there are at most 20 black people, and 90% of the ones I've been in the same room with could fit right in with the racial stereotype.

Brats

I hope I'm not the only one who is seeing the Hideous and extremely disgraceful Dress Code and additude of our young teens of today! These kids have no idea how fortunate they are to have such a wonderful life they have to live in! Ya know what?, the Blame falls on the PARENTS! What's the matter with you Damn mother and fathers?!! Have you forgot how many lives have been lost so we can walk around in our towns and cities that have not been Bombed to rubble! Maybe you're just to Stupid and uneducated to realize how fortunate we are these days! I have seen your kids Drop papers, cups and anything else they don't want right on the ground as if this is what to do! Most of you Stupid people don't even care what your ugly kids do as long as they are out of your way! Most of you parents aren't even Qualified to be Parents, you lazy Morons! Why don't you teach your selves how to respect what you have and maybe your Brat kids will catch on! MAYBE! The small amount of the good kids go unnoticed because the Majority of you inconsiderate Brats, prevent them from being seen! You parents probably allow your brats to do whatever they want in your own homes! The other bad thing is, most likely the good parents will be the only ones who read this Blog! Those of you who are the good Parents, will know that you are and I commend you for your efforts! Thank You!

Burger King

BE IT BREAKFAST, BRUNCH OR BED AND BE YOU A BAREFOOT BURGLAR, BRITISH BANKER OR BEDFAST BOOKMAKER A BASIC BESTIAL BLESSING IS THE BURGER! A BILLION BURGER BANQUET BEQUETH UPON ME FROM A BURGER BASTION OF BEDLAM BARELY BEGINS TO BOIL MY BULKY BURGER BURDEN. YET I MUST BARE BULBOUS BEGGERS BESEECHING BURGERS TO BUILD UPON THEIR BIG BAGGAGE WHILE BREEDING BARBARICALLY. BUT BEFORE THE BURGER BANQUET A BETTER BEGINNING IS OBLIGED. YOU MAY CALL ME BURGER KING.

Canadian pedophile

SO my 24 years old male cousin came from Canada last week for the Christmas thing so we and 2 other cousins were in the living room,just talking but then the other 2 cousins went to bed and my cousin started to touch me and I let him to do that :/ It was so fucking awesome!Anyways to the next day he went to pick up some more clothes and he told me that in the way to his house had boner just fot thinking about it.He keeps telling me to kiss him and I don't want to.I feel weird. he should be in jail.The question here is that...Should I let him do the same thing today? P.S I haven't ate since we did it.I feel sick.

Copypasta database

im tired of 420chan anonib 1chan 5chan and b tard. i like to view the site in burichan. it is like idlechan on this imgboard. giffer. futanari, shotakon. rorikon. 4channel. websida.

CRT is better than LCD

CRT is a much better technology than LCD.

1) Perfect black levels 2) Flawless off-axis viewing 3) Much faster refresh rate than LCD 4) Warmer, more natural image (thanks to scan lines and small granules) 5) Far longer life-span 6) Not subject to manufacture problems such as dead-pixels 7) Good range of compatibility with lower or non-standard resolutions without blurring

Given ultimate space and money the world's best CRT could easily crush the world's best LCD. So tell me /g/, why do you like your inferior screens that companies such as Samsung have brainwashed you to think is better than what already existed? The only cost-savings are on their end.

And the funny thing is you guys keep buying this crappy LCD technology and giving away your free CRTs on Craigslist. A fool and his dollar are soon parted I guess.

And before you start yapping about IPS panels: Enjoy your slow G2G response to switch pixels already, not to mention that hidden input and scalar lag. Luckily, CRT has no such bullshit.

The only semi-legitimate point I've heard against CRTs regards weight, but you don't bitch about the weight of a prospective couch while furniture shopping, do you? Didn't think so.

Cute russian girl

Hi! I'm a single girl and I'm 26 years old. Please take a look at my pictures and let me know if you like them! I live in Russia and I'm going to come to your country and work over there very soon! I don't know anybody over there and I thought it would be great to meet someone who is open to anything (as I am!). I would be happy to be friends, lovers or create a serious relationship! We will see what happens! I hope you will write me back and I will write more info about myself and send more photos!!!!!!!!!!! I am writing from my friend's email address, so please make sure you do not reply directly to this email. Email me at sprivatejn3@yahoo.co.uk only. if you don't use my personal email address then I won't be able to read your reply and write you back. So it is very important that you get it right. Ok, I guess it is now your turn. Hope to hear from you today. Bye!! btw, i got your email from dating website

Dad and hot daughter's boyfriend

I feel like my daughter is becoming too slutty, she's only 15 and she's very pretty, but it's being marred by the ridiculous clothes she wears out, all the make up she wears, and how all she ever talks about is boys and the way she looks. I may sound very protective but she's my only child and I really love her.

The other day my little girl brought this guy over, and I was really worried because he seemed a lot older (he is 2 grades higher than her at school) and he was rude and seemed to not really care about her that much. It really made my blood boil and got me really angry, when he left the next day I was sitting on the couch watching a bowie concert DVD, and made the decision to not say goodbye or look at him once, but this was really weird, he came over to me, and sat next to me. Now my daughter was still upstairs (he said she was on the computer or something) and my wife was shopping.

He seemed totally different from the previous day, and was really friendly, of course I was suspicious and started talking about what a nice person my daughter is (which is 100% true I must say). He moved closer to me on the couch and patted me on the thigh like a football player or something, but then slowly moved his hand further up my leg. He smelt like butterscotch and I'd just noticed how attractive he was (I think how critical I was of him stopped me from picking this up). Now I don't see myself as gay at all, I mean growing up and at uni I was one of those liberal guys, experimented with drugs and both sexes but that had since faded. However this was different.

I was really attracted to him, and he was so forward, I pulled him in and kissed his neck then I heard this knock on the window and pulled away straight away. It was my wife she'd forgot the house key, and was knocking on the window to get someone to open the door to let her in...she spotted us as I pulled away and ran to the door, opened it but really I had no chance at explaining, my wife kicked us both out in one of those crushing scenes, what was I to do, where was I to go, I was out on my fanny.

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door, he was there to sell make up but the father saw more I had style, I had flair, I was there, that's I she became the Nanny.

Who would have guessed that the guy we described was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?

Now, the father finds her beguiling, watch out C.C., The kids are actually smiling, such joie de vivre, I'm the ladyboy in red when everybody else is wearing tan. The flashy guy from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.

Deep Python is not amused by your faggotry

Alright you shits, listen well and listen good.

I cannot go a single fucking page on /v/ without seeing somebody baaaawwing over the fucking Super Mario 64 eel.

>I HATE HIM BECAUSE HE IS SCARY AND HE IS SCARY >YOU RUINED MAH CHILDHOOD BAWWW >I HATE WATER LEVELS BECAES YOU >I HAVE A PHOBIA OF WATER AND EELS NOW, PLEASE FEEL SORRY FOR ME CRAAAAAAAAAWLING IIIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIN

Well I’m fucking tired of it. You niggers wouldn’t know fear if it fucked you in the ass. Nobody even remembers me, the Deep Python. I bet half the people reading this right now just remembered running out of magic and realizing they were fucked because they didn’t know the seahorse could lead you to Pinnacle Rock a second time. Yeah, that’s right. I was all over the fucking walls while you were still figuring out how to swim as Mikau. I’d eat you within a second, and bye-bye two hearts. You kept on trying to attack my head because that’s what you’d normally do. Sorry bitch, that’s how I get you close to my mouth. Just like I got my own Deep Python close to your mom’s mouth last night. And speaking of night, you were trying to kill me for so long that it passed into night while you were at the bottom of the fucking ocean. Your little seven-year-old ass couldn’t see shit, and you were scared to fucking death because of it. And the worst part of it was, you’d have no idea how many of me you were going to have to kill before you got all the eggs.

In closing, I am the greatest video game eel to ever exist. I am deceptive, numerous, frightening, and powerful. Is your OH SO SCARY Mario 64 eel any of that? No, no it isn’t. So the next time I see someone asspained about that little red dickflap, I will repost this to show them the error of their ways. It will eventually become a common copypasta, being posted everywhere. Then you’ll all remember. Oh yes. You’ll remember.

Peace out faggots. Pic related, it’s me about to open a can of whoopass.

Dennis

The worst emotion, by far, is Dennis. Feeling Dennis is probably the least pleasurable experience in the world. You're always upset, you can't be happy when you're Dennis. Problem is, whenever one person is Dennis, the other people he comes into contact with also become Dennis. This leads on to the point, where DID Dennis originate from? Was it originally portrayed by a lonely old man, or a hobo? Thing is, there is no definite answer, due to the tracing going back thousands and thousands of years. Which brings up the topic, how can you stop feeling Dennis when you're already Dennis? There are a number of ways to alleviate this problem, such as carpooling and playing video games. Though, the only surefire way to remove this feeling is to break the seams of a voodoo doll, spill out the entrails into a bowl of trail mix and eat your life away. I hope this answers your question.

Disgusting pigs

I was just linked here from a thread on Gaia, and I must say a few things...

1. You guys are racist, sexist, homophobic PIGS. 2. You are the representation of all that is wrong in this world. 3. DISGUSTING FUCKING PEDOPHILES, SICK BASTARDS. 4. You all need to DIE. 5. STAY OUT OF GAIA.

IF YOU TRY TO SAY OTHERWISE, I WILL GIVE YOU SUCH A VERBAL BEATING YOUR SELF ESTEEM WILL DROP TO THE NEGATIVES.

Dogs vs. cats

I don't get it. Why does /b/ make such a fuss about cats? Cats are souless creatures that only care about you when they're hungry. They kill other small animals for amusement. They piss everywhere. They shit everywhere. They whine. And then they fuck off for a few hours, only to come back looking for food again. In my opinion, dogs are better. Sure, they can't climb walls. And sure, some dogs can be a bit dumb. But you can't find anything as loyal and protective as a family dog.

tl;dr fuck cats and I mean that.

Doodlebops

Let's say the Doodlebops perform at your local performance center, and you're an attendee. The crowd and audience is rather violent, plagued by fights, bypassed weapons, drinking, and drugs. The Doodlebops play their opening song "We're the Doodlebops" and while the two Doodlebops ask where their fellow Doodlebop, Moe, is, Moe bolts back on the stage. A man throws a broken bottle at Moe, which angers him. Moe then produces what appears to be a .45-caliber semi-automatic Glock handgun, as the beat of the rythmn progresses, and unloads all 10 of the bullets in its magazine. You get hit by four of the 10 rounds, two of them hitting your head. Six other people are injured, three by gunshot wounds, and the other three by the panicing stampede. All three gunshot victims and a stampede victim are treated, and are released sometime by the next week, but you are in the hospital for weeks.

How would you deal with the situation knowing your life has been threatened with bullets? How do you want to get back at Moe, who is now imprisoned and awaiting trail on attempted murder, assault and weapon charges?

Dutch jail

I'm posting from prison in the Netherlands. Netherlands is soft as fuck - we are allowed to have internets in prison, single cells, no bumraep. I got 9 months for trying to rob a mail office with a watergun with a traffic cone on my head (i got sued by the receptionist who i hurt with the cone).

Netherlands is win. I might just do it again - it's just like home (sittin' on /b/ all day), but i don't have to work, clean or cook (The food is decent). Only problem is I'm next to some fuckwad's cell who starts making loud comments about "The holy lord" when I'm watching porn with sound on (they don't allow headphones). He got in here for beating a gay up.

Fuck. V& isn't so bad here.

Eight days of misery

Hello, /b/. It’s time that I admit I am Jewish. I have kept this secret for a long time, but I must come clean. I cannot keep lying to you, because that means I am lying to myself. I must also admit that I am of the Jewish faith so that I can tell you about my Hanukkah. It may have been the worst eight days of my life.

Day One: Day one seemed to go normally, except when I called my girlfriend Jessica, she did not answer. Confused, I asked my brother Jack if he knew anything that might be happening with her. He did not clearly answer me, just shrugged and mumbled some shit.

Day Two: When Jessica came over, she seemed to be ignoring me a lot. I kept trying to talk to her, but she acted like I did not even exist. "Come on, Jessica," I pleaded. "What's wrong?" She whipped around and glared at me. "God, Jeremy! Why won't you give me any space!" That hurt more than any physical pain I could imagine.

Day Three: I could really tell something was amiss, so I asked everyone I knew about it. At first they did not respond, but eventually my mother tearfully admitted something to me. “It’s your brother,” she said. “He’s been sleeping with Jessica.” I shook my head, in the warm comfort of my denial. "No way," I claimed. "Jack would never do something like that." "It's true," said my mother. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Jeremy." I went to my room without a word.

Day Four: I had to absorb this knowledge overnight before I could confront Jack. On day 4 I finally did. "Why did you sleep with Jessica!?" I demanded. "Who told you!?" "Mom did." Jack sighed. "Oh, man, I begged her not to tell anyone else." I ignored his pathetic excuse. "How could you, Jack? You're my brother!" As he opened his mouth, I got so pissed off at his fucking face and that huge, stereotypical Jewish nose, that I slammed my fist straight into it. Jack fell backwards screaming, then kicked my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. We came to blows, beating at each other until my dad managed to separate us.

Day Five: Jack and I still refused to speak to each other. Jessica called me twice, but I ignored that cheating whore!

Day Six: This day remains imprinted in my memory. I sat down and talked with Jessica. "Why would you do this to me?" I asked. "I don't know, Jeremy. I-I love him!" I could not handle this. It was as if my arm had a mind of its own. It snapped up and slapped my hand across her face. Jessica looked at me in shock, then ran away. I actually cried that night.

Day Seven: I remained in my room for most of the seventh day of Hanukkah, not speaking to anyone, contemplating what to do.

Day Eight: On the eighth day, I finally figured out how to solve the problem. After waking up, I laid in bed until everybody else was up. I stood and grabbed the switchblade from my dresser. Placing it in my pocket, I went downstairs. There I saw Jack next to the Hanukkah candles. "Hey," I said quietly. Finally, I really spoke to him. "Jack, we shouldn't keep this grudge up over Hanukkah. Come on. We need to make our peace." Jack nodded soberly. I looked over at the candle. "Come on. Let's light the candle, Jack." We lifted the match to the eighth candle, and just as the flame lit, I pulled out my switchblade and stabbed hi

Enter the Windows

hello anon is it possible to make a program that displays the packets of the internet onto your screen i mean like in matrix the format would be hexadecimal and the color green.

Epic infected leg rape fuck

Hello, /b/.

I started college really early: at 13, back in fall 1992. Needless to say, when the web came on the scene I was all over it. Before that I was fapping to shit from Usenet and Gopher. I remember putting my old 286 and its 2400 baud modem to work in the late eighties, but back then I wasn't that interested in porn yet.

But and so once I got my BITNET account at Penn during a summer program in '91 it was game fucking on. I am here to tell you 17 years later that the copypasta on /b/ pales in comparison to what was on alt.sex.stories. And as a 12-year old I cannot think but that this had some effect on me. Let me explain. I'd pretended to be a lesbian online back in the days of CompuServe as a preteen and I'd managed to find some sick stories and even a few pics back before the early Mosaic days (back then it was mostly alt.sex.binaries FTW). But any retard could see that more and better was yet to come. And Mosaic opened up a whole new world.

Looking back, I remember the first time I saw scat. It was in the main computer center at around 10 pm on a Friday night (I lived in the Quad on campus). I was there with another dude who would probably be a /b/tard nowadays and we stared at the screen slackjawed. But and so it was a picture of a woman who literally had a shit-eating grin. When I saw this I thought that was the worst thing on the Internet. I was wrong.

Later on came the day when I saw a man fuck a chicken. During my math lab (I was taking a CCH calculus class, not the classical kind). I couldn't quite look, but I couldn't stop looking either. Fuck doing my MAPLE assignment, I was hooked. Yet I knew that this was still just the tip of the iceberg. At this point it might help to mention that kids in college are granted a bit of leeway by their fellow students. Generally an avuncular interest is taken in their emotional development. Liquor is generally not offered, but parties are (or they were to me, anyway). You see certain things that you might see in high school too, but they resonate a bit more when adults (to put it loosely) are participating. Anyway, the end of my freshman year (I had gone part-time for a year) I had started taking grad classes.

The age gap between me and my fellow students had only grown wider. After they'd gotten to know me, though, some of them took me under their collective wing. And one day early in my sophomore year a few of the grad students apparently thought it would be funny to play a little joke on me. One of them (I'll call him "Alpha" here because he was one of the few alpha male mathematicians I've ever met - though he wasn't very good: I actually had to help him with a lot of problems about de Rham cohomology that semester) was a real sick fuck, a man I looked up to then and still do today. Anyway, he suggested that I walk up to some of the younger coeds (who, mind, would be some four or five years older) and proposition them while he and his buddies looked on from afar. Lulz (he didn't use the term, of course, since this was quite a few years ago) would ensue, I was assured. He promised they'd make it worth my while, and I figured I'd go along with it.

Now, the day before I had experienced a rather epic wank session that culminated in viewing some fairly outré material, even by my standards. I had actually printed up the pictures so I could fap to them on campus in the bathroom between classes. I decided to work this stuff into my pitch to the chicks, because they'd probably just think it was a joke. I figured the grad students would have my back if anything went wrong, and if it went right then I might meet the girl of my dreams.

So right after I agree, I see an obvious freshman walking my way, about six inches shorter than me (I was pretty tall, especially for my age), decent body, pretty but not in an obvious way. So I go up to her and mumble "Wanna...uh...have sex?" in front of the grad students. They struggle not to lose it. She does a double-take, then looks at me sideways. Asks me what I'm doing there. I tell her. She pauses, then takes my hand firmly and starts leading me in the direction she'd been walking in before. A peal of laughter rang out behind me.

It was warm and the girl was wearing denim shorts and a t-shirt. She had sun-bleached brown hair, green eyes and a few small blemishes, not bad. She looked a little bit like a young Courtney Thorne-Smith. As we walked I took this all in and didn't really think about what could go right. I thought for a moment that she was going to tell my parents but then I realized that was retarded and that there was nobody to tell. Then she asked me again if I was a student. I flashed my university ID. She seemed to make a decision then.

I thought again of the stuff I'd seen on the web the night before. I thought real hard. I tried to imagine her doing it. With me. I started to say something, but my voice cracked. She looked back at me: we were in a parking lot by now. I faltered and she started leading me again. We got into her car. I still remember it: a white '91 Corolla with Mardi Gras beads hanging from the rearview.

The sunlight refracted through the beads and they lit up, casting colored shadows across her face. (I couldn't help but remind myself that the index of refraction for the beads was probably about the same as for glass or water, which struck me as odd somehow right then.) She touched the steering wheel and let out a little yelp: it was late spring and the inside of the car was hot. I looked away from her as I put on my seat belt and tried again to work up my courage.

But I chumped out again. Even asking her if she wanted to have sex was something that had required a tremendous amount of will on my part, and I was already emotionally exhausted. She turned to me again and said "You sure you're 14?" and I just nodded weakly. She put the car in drive and we left the campus. Without thinking, I started to mention that I had a class in an hour. She just giggled and put in a Radiohead CD.

The drive took like 5 or 10 minutes. En route she asked me what my major was and I said math. She laughed, saying "of course" and put her hand on my knee at the same time, then just concentrated on her driving. She told me her name, said she hadn't decided on a major yet but that it sure wouldn't be math. She asked if I could tutor her and laughed again, but gave me a winning smile at the same time. I slowly began to realize that she was trying to put me at ease. It didn't matter that I had approached her. She knew I was in over my head.

She lived in a small three-bedroom house just off campus, not far from Spruce. Her roommates were supposedly away until that night. She opened the front door and I followed her in and put my backpack down on a couch. There were beer and tequila bottles on the kitchen counter and pizza boxes on the coffee table. She and her roommates had taken lots of Polaroids from their parties and put them up in a hallway near the front. She told me she'd be in the shower, and to relax and make myself comfortable. I didn't know what I had gotten myself into. My heart was racing. I was sweating. At this point I was really thirsty and nervous. Clearly at least a beer was needed. I went to the fridge and found some Jello shots and washed them down with some Pepsi. That did the trick. Then I started thinking again about what I'd seen the night before.

I heard the shower turn off and then heard her asking if I was OK. I answered with a weak "yeah" and moments later she came out in a Tweety Bird robe and told me to take a shower myself while she took care of a few things. I left my backpack in the living room and went into the bathroom. Locked the door. Looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn't believe what was happening. I told myself I had to follow through, that I had to go for it.

Now I don't know if any of you are underage b& but I remember that I was pretty fast in those days. So I figured I should churn one out beforehand to play it safe. And then I wished I had a rubber. But I figured "fuck it" and as the shower started I thought about her and the pictures and fapped a fast one and cleaned up.

When I turned the shower off, I heard her rummaging around through some drawers. I said "I'll be out in a minute" and my voice cracked again. I could start to feel the Jello shots taking hold, and I started to relax a little bit. Let me tell you it was good fucking timing because otherwise I'd never have had the nerve to do what I did a little bit later.

So I grabbed a towel and left my clothes in there, figuring I'd just roll with it. I walked out into the hallway with the Polaroids and stopped when I saw one of the grad students--that sick fuck Alpha--on the couch, talking to the girl. She was standing with one leg bent, arms akimbo, a towel on her head. I couldn't hear what they were whispering.

Anyway Alpha noticed me first. There was actually another grad student there with him that I hadn't seen from the hallway. All three of them were looking at me now. I started to speak, but Alpha got up and walked over to me. He put an arm around me and walked me over to the couch, saying, "This is for you, big guy."

So Alpha starts talking to me about how he and his buddies had pooled their money and got me a call girl. The catch was that they wanted to watch me fuck her. They seemed to have built this up as some coming-of-age ritual in their minds when really they just wanted to watch me getting laid. I looked at her and she just raised her eyebrows a bit and smirked knowingly.

Now at this point I got real nervous fast, and I guess it was obvious to all of them. I stopped thinking about doing weird shit and started thinking about getting the fuck out of there. But the girl put her hand on my shoulder and said it was OK, there was nothing to worry about. She said she was clean and worked as a call girl to pay for tuition, she wasn't dirty and this wasn't dirty, and I should enjoy it. She said she'd fucked in front of other people and it was hotter anyways. She said I'd like it. By now I'd had a chance to collect my thoughts. I figured I knew these guys pretty well by now. And I started thinking again I might as well go for it. I knew what I wanted and I knew it would probably blow their minds--including the girl. It'd serve them right: after all, a call girl was pretty cool, but it was also kind of condescending. And I hated that shit.

Now in those days I had to fap a lot, especially being around all those hot older college chicks. Otherwise, I'd've been a walking hard-on. So I actually had the printouts in my backpack. I said "fuck, let's do it" and clapped my hands. My backpack was right there. I unzipped it and pulled out the pictures I'd printed up the night before and showed them to the girl. I didn't say anything, just lowered my head a little while raising my eyebrows. Questioning her. Daring her. Her eyes narrowed and she turned slowly from the pictures to look at me, a little incredulous. The grad students couldn't see the pictures, which was how I wanted it. She seemed to have figured this out on her own, and I could tell she was concentrating. After a couple of seconds she just whispered "yeah, we can try that" and she walked over to a closet and started looking through it. She seemed a little dazed. The grad students were clearly fascinated, but I wasn't going to spoil the surprise. I stuffed the pictures in the backpack and put it on the couch again. By now she seemed to have found what she was looking for in the closet. She said "come here" and when I approached (the grad students' feet seemed to be glued to the floor, thankfully) she asked "will this work?" I looked in the closet and was pleasantly surprised myself.

Then I looked at her and I realized that she must have known about this sort of thing already. (How? It didn't seem like she'd done it before, and she was suddenly as nervous as I was.) And that on the most fundamental level she understood me. At that instant we shared something beautiful and terrifying. Time slowed somehow. I took her hand. The other grad student asked from the living room "what the hell are you guys doing? Are you going to show us or what?" She smiled at me. We put it in a Gap bag from the closet and I said "Come and see" as she led me to the bedroom. Her bedroom was small, but it was surprisingly classy. Like an oasis in the house. No posters, just a few decent watercolors of plants that she'd probably done herself. A decent matching bedroom set, modern cherry. A few bottles of perfume and some cosmetics, one of those old Bose Wave CD players and a few CDs, mostly jazz. A few plants. It was the sort of bedroom a yuppie might have, not a college freshman. By now she had put her bag on the bed, and it had tipped over and revealed its contents. The grad students were just outside coming in. Alpha said "All ri-" and stopped cold when he glanced at what was on the bed. It was just a videotape, but it was the packaging that had grabbed his attention. The other grad student looked at it and said "That isn't real..." He kept looking, faltered, then raised his widening eyes to me: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

At that point she told both of them to please leave. The other grad student said "what the fuck? We paid fo-" but Alpha silenced him with a flicker of his eyes. She turned around, opened her nightstand drawer, and counted out a few twenties, it seemed like $200 or so. She handed the money to the other grad student and stared at him wordlessly. Both of the grad students looked at me. Alpha just said "fair enough", looked me in the eyes calmly, and gave my shoulder a little punch as he walked out. The other one followed him out, disgusted twice over. I heard them leave through the front door. She smiled at me and took my hand.

I will return to this moment, but the narrative will be more coherent if I skip ahead with a few jumps first. So bear with me.

I didn't see any of the grad students the next day: our classes only met three times a week, and I was recovering that day anyway. So by the time I went into a class two days afterward, word had gotten around. I had been apprehensive about seeing them again, but she'd told me not to worry. Even if they talked about it, nobody would take the tape seriously, she'd said. And she was right. When I walked in the classroom and waved goodbye to her (she'd come along with me since she had a class nearby, but she ducked out and walked away quickly before anyone could stop her) the guys just about jumped out of their chairs and started high-fiving me. A moment later the professor walked in and just winked at me, then started drawing a commutative diagram. The events of two days before faded into legend. Alpha and I became genuinely close friends after that. I eventually found out that he came from money and he said he was going to quit after he got his MS and start learning the family business (they had a big sea freight company based in Long Beach). We talked about a lot of things, but never about what had happened that day, or about the tape.

The rest of that year, I basically spent about three days a week in the dorm, and the rest with her. This pattern continued for a while: I couldn't exactly move in with her without letting my parents know what was going on (she told her friends that I was 17, and that seemed to mollify them--I was pretty tall and obviously wasn't going to high school--though they still cracked jokes about her robbing the cradle). We swore to keep our history a secret. I graduated two years before her, and we used my NSF fellowship (I was staying for grad school) to rent a small place while she finished (she hadn't had any clients since we'd met).

Alpha was best man at our wedding, which we held right after I defended my dissertation on algebraic K-theory. The bachelor party was actually very subdued: I still couldn't drink legally, and by then all my friends had come to know better than to do wild stuff with me around. We postponed our honeymoon until that summer, when she'd finished her master's thesis in political science and we had a little time before my postdoc at UCLA and her classes started at RAND. Our life together was wonderful. One day, though, about a week after we'd returned from our honeymoon, I found a package on our front door. There was no return address. I opened it and looked inside. Inside there was a videotape. I had seen the same videotape, six years ago, on my wife's bed that fateful day. I actually passed out at this point. When I came to, she was crying. I looked down and saw that I was in a hospital bed. She said "thank God you're okay" and stammered something about how scared she'd been. Apparently it was a day later: I'd fallen onto our coffee table and lost a lot of blood before she'd come home. She'd called the paramedics and seen the tape afterwords, then passed out herself.

I asked her then who else could have seen the tape. She said that a cop had knocked down the door for the paramedics but this had woken her up, and she'd managed to close the package and shove it next to some boxes we were packing for our move before they got to us. She'd told them that she'd had a panic attack after calling 911 and they seemed to have been satisfied by that. Nobody else had seen anything. But that left the nagging question of who could have sent it in the first place. When I was released the next day, we took a look at the package. The handwriting looked familiar, but I couldn't place it. Then I noticed the postmark. It was the same as the letter awarding me my postdoc: it was sent from the UCLA post office. I looked at my wife and told her not to worry, but I was plenty worried myself. She just nodded weakly.

I was supposed to move the next week, a week ahead of her, and we didn't talk about the tape until after the cab came to pick me up. I just told her "I'll take care of it". She sent me on my way with a kiss and slipped my ticket into my sportcoat with a wan smile. I couldn't sleep on the plane, even though I had gotten an upgrade to first class. I took a cab to our new apartment and slept fitfully on the floor that night.

Early the next morning I checked my mail at the Mathematical Sciences building. There was a note in the same handwriting as the package (which I'd brought to my apartment in my checked bag). It just said "Go past Kauffman Hall to Sunset and turn right. [XXX] Udine. I'll be here." My heart was pounding in my chest. I called my wife and said "It'll all be over soon", then hung up before she could say anything. I went back to my apartment and picked up the package, then set off past the student center and Kauffman, then along Sunset. Udine Way was about a mile from the math building, and the walk gave me a chance to think and collect myself. I started to formulate a theory.

The address on Udine was a house. A really nice house. I was a little surprised, but not much. It was still early when I got there, around over 9,000 or 8. I knocked on the door. A maid answered: I was expected, and would I please have a seat in the drawing room? She led me there, across marble tiles and into a room decorated in a Baroque motif accented with a few subtle touches of modernity. A couple of minutes later I heard footsteps approaching. Alpha came in and smiled. I laughed and we shook hands, and he asked me to follow him to his study. Baroque again, but the touches of modernity were more obvious here: a G3 desktop and a Dell stood out. He told me to have a seat and gestured at a Louis XIV chair. I was finally there. I handed him the package. He smiled and took out the videotape. I heard the muffled, panicked grunts and scuffles; the throttled howls of agony and pain, and I did not need to open my eyes to know what was transpiring on the screen. Alpha called for the maid and the sound from the tape stopped. I opened my eyes just as the maid appeared. Alpha nodded at her and she turned around briskly and left. I heard her walking away. The tape had been paused. I tried to think about something else besides what was on that tape to keep from getting any more aroused. Soon after some footsteps drew nearer. My wife walked in, with moist eyes and a pleading smile. I looked away from her. I couldn't stand up.

She spoke in a gentle voice that made me think of waves over smooth stones. "We have to stop. It's not right. Those are actual people. We're responsible." I looked back at her, too baffled by her presence to process her words. "Alpha knew about both of us from the beginning. That's why he brought us together." I couldn't believe I'd laughed when I'd seen him. I felt nauseous and tried to remind myself that he was my best friend, and that that was real.

"How?" She started to speak, but Alpha raised a hand. "I'd gone to use a computer in Rittenhouse: there was one with Netscape open. I just wanted to do something quick, so I figured I'd just use it instead of logging in at another box. It was open to the Los Alamos preprint server, and I knew you went there a lot: you were always talking about physics being geometry and this cool site where you could look at all the latest stuff. I figured it was probably your session. I remember looking around to see if you were nearby and opening your bookmarks. I was interested in you! You were just a kid, and everyone was fascinated by you. So I looked. That's when I found out. I already knew about her."

"How?" They looked at each other, wondering who would answer. I knew enough. Knew he'd slept with her first. I imagined him finding her videotape and watching it. I wondered how she'd explained it to him. Wondered what he'd thought. I didn't want to know about it, and they clearly didn't want to tell me. All that mattered was that however imperfectly, we three understood each other, and always had. The fear I'd felt was replaced with a dawning sense of dread, though.

"Why?" "Because I knew both of you were really good, decent people. I thought each of you deserved a chance at happiness and I knew how hard it would be for you to find it with anyone else. I paid close attention to you"--he looked at me--"and told her about you. If you hadn't shown her the printouts, she'd've taken the tape out anyway. I didn't think about the long-term consequences then. But now the two of you have to make a choice. Together."

I looked down, ashamed. I couldn't bear to face either of them. "We're not hurting anyone." She came over to me, knelt in front of me, and looked up. "That's not true. Those people are suffering - some of those people are dying! - and we're part of it. We have to do what's right. It's the only way we can really be free." I buried my face in my hands. She was right and I knew it. She put her hand on my knee and kissed me on the cheek as she stood up.

"Why now? Why not then?" Alpha shrugged, faltered, then took a deep breath. "Honestly, I'd considered telling someone instead of doing what I did. But that would have ruined your life. You had so much potential. I couldn't do it. I made a choice of my own: to give you a chance at happiness and at having a good life, even if it meant that you might actually follow through on" - he gestured at the TV - "that. And I think it was the right choice now. You've done well, and your life is still in front of you. But now you're old enough to truly understand moral sacrifice. I can't let you keep doing this. I need your word: that'll be good enough for me."

"What if I say no?" "Then I'll stop this myself. I'll call the Feds. I know you. If you can stop, you will. And if you can't, then you might start actually doing this stuff yourself instead of just watching it and acting it out. I can't live with that."

"How do you know I'll keep my word?" "I don't, really. But I'm your friend. I know you're a good person. I believe you can stop this. But I can tell when you're lying. You're a miserable liar." This was only too true. "I'll be keeping in touch with you. And if you break your word, I'll know. And I'll call the Feds."

"What other choice do I have?" Alpha just shrugged again. I looked at the TV, then at my wife. She was transfixed by the paused image. I thought again of our first time together. How we'd come at the same time watching that tape, then collapsed into each other, terrified of the future and of each other. Seeking a kind of solace in each other. Seeking ourselves in each other.

I managed to get her to look away from the TV and at me. "What about you?" "I've made my choice. Alpha's right: we have to stop." The three of us were silent for about half a minute. I knew because I looked at my watch the entire time. It seemed like hours.

"Can we have this one last time?" I was asking both of them. Alpha sighed and started to leave without looking at either of us. He said "I'll give you an hour" in a dead voice as he left the room. But it wasn't like the first time. She looked away from me and crossed her arms. I got up and moved to touch her. She flinched, then melted into me. We both cried.

"God help us." I don't know which one of us said it, but neither one of us believed in God. I kissed her, gently, then passionately. She sniffled and started the tape again.

Now, this is a story all about how My life got knifed; turned inside out And I'd like to take a minute: just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In West Philadelphia as a kid I was hazed 'Cuz I was takin' grad classes at Penn in those days Chillin' out fappin' relaxin' all cool And checkin' out pics of chicks eating their stool When I saw a website that was up to no good And found out that snuff films would give me wood I fapped to one little murder and my friend got scared And set me up with a chick whose sick fetish I shared

I nervously propositioned her one fine summer day But she took me to her car and we were on our way She gave me a few minutes and a quick fap was the ticket I did some Jello shots and said I might as well kick it

The whole thing had been planned way back in the day Turned out she was a hooker but I wouldn't have to pay She took me to her bedroom with porn that was illicit And once my buddies left I knew just where to stick it

I stayed for a PhD and when graduation came near I got a postdoc at UCLA and I married my dear If anything I could say that this time was rare But things got intense when I got some mail from Bel Air

First class, yo this is bad I was sleepless on the flight and pondered what would pass If this what the people of Bel Air livin' like The future don't look so bright!

I walked up to a house about seven or eight After I got a note sayin' yo homes, come by later My old buddy owned the place and I was finally there But I still wasn't quite the Prince of Bel Air

Because guess who walked in on that fateful day? My wife showed up and she had some things to say She told me that we'd gone too far, past the limit I tried to deny it and I started to fidget

But even though I couldn't watch snuff after that day I figured it was still early and I wanted to play And even though it was bad to get off to maggots I listened to my dick and heard DO IT FAGGOT

I fuck her from behind and at the TV I stare There's an infected leg and a knife makes a tear If anything I could say that this porn was rare But I thought "naw, forget it" and blew my load in Bel Air

I reckoned I could still see guro with my mate But I knew I'd never watch any snuff again later I staggered; fell back into a Louis XIV chair And relaxed on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Epic vandal rant

HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING EDS JUST KISS MY ASS, YOU BLAMED THE WRONG GUY FOR HACKING ANYWAYS YOU DUMBASSES, ITS A SHAME THAT YOU ARE BEHIND THAT FUCKING COMPUTER SCREENS IN YOUR MOM'S BASEMENT WRITING THIS SHIT BECAUSE YOU MOST NOT OF BEEN LOVED ENOUGH OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN PICKED ON IN SCHOOL OR SOMETHING, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS YOU ARE NOTHING BUT DUMB FUCK TARD BITCHES, ALSO IT IS VERY SLICK OF USING FAKE EMAIL CREATION SITES, HOW ABOUT YOU USE YOUR OWN EMAIL WITH YOUR REAL FUCKING NAMES IN IT, YES I SAID IT. YOU ALL ARE NOTHING BUT FUCKING PUSSIES, IP BAN, DOESN'T WORK YOU FUCK TARDS BECAUSE I ALWAYS WIN MOTHER FUCKERS, I GIVES NO FUCK. WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST END IT AND MAYBE SHUT THIS SITE DOWN BEFORE I DO, LIKE I SAID FUCKING TEST ME, REALLY! I WILL LIKE TO SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR SITE AND ALSO WATCH THE SHIT GO UP IN FUCKING FLAMES, HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING SUCK A FUCKING COW'S ASS BECAUSE YOUR NOTHING BUT SHIT SO EAT WHAT YOU ARE, SHIT! I'M NOT FUCKING PLAYING ANYMORE. FUCK WITH DA AND YOU JUST FUCKED YOURSELF IN THE ASS WITH BUTTHURT, WAI WAI DESU MOTHERFUCKERS, LIKE I SAID I'LL PLAY YOUR FUCKING GAMES BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO FUCKING DO BECAUSE YOUR A FUCKING TARTLET YOUR SELF, BE A FUCKING MAN/WOMAN/ALIEN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE AND LEAVE EVERYONE THE FUCK ALONE ON DA. I NEVER LOOSE AT FUCKING GAMES. GO AHEAD AND BAN THIS ACCOUNT. WHO SAID IT WAS JUST ONE PERSON DOING THIS EITHER. MAYBE YOU HAVE BECOME TO SMART TO REALIZE YOUR DUMB AS MOOSE SHIT IN WHICH HAS NO FUCKING BRAINS. I LIKE PLAYING YOU SICK GAME BUT SADLY SOON I WILL HAVE TO PUT IT TO A FUCKING END ^W^ KISS KISS WAI WAI DESU

Extra gravy

Well, never mind all that, >>1. This has nothing to do with this thread, but would you just listen to me for a little bit? See, I went to the local Yoshinoya today. Right. Yoshinoya. And the damn place was packed so full of people, I couldn't even find a seat. So I looked around a bit, and I found a sign that said "150 yen off". What the hell is wrong with you people? Are you idiots or something? Any other day you wouldn't even think of going to Yoshinoya, but if it's 150 yen off, you all flock in here? It's just 150 fucking yen! 150 yen! And you're bringing the kids too. Look at that, a family of four going to Yoshinoya. Con-fucking-gratulations. And now the guy's going, "All right! Daddy's going to order the extra-large!" Shit, I can't watch any more of this. Yoshinoya should be fucking brutal. Two guys sit facing each other across a U-shaped table, and you never quite know if they'll suddenly just start a fight right there. It's stab-or-be-stabbed, and that's what so damn great about the place. Women and kids should stay the fuck away. Well, I finally found a seat, but then the guy next to me goes, "I'll have a large bowl with extra gravy!". So now I'm pissed off again. Who the fuck orders extra gravy these days? Why are you looking so goddamn proud when you say that? I was gonna ask you, are you really going to fucking eat all that gravy? I wanted to fucking interrogate you. For about a fucking hour. You know what? I think you just wanted to say "extra gravy". Now, take it from the Yoshinoya veteran. The latest thing among the Yoshinoya pros is this: Extra green onions. That's the ticket. A large bowl with extra onions, and egg. This is what someone who knows his shit orders. They put in more onions, and less meat. A large bowl with the raw egg, that's really fucking awesome. Now, you should know, if you keep ordering this, there's a risk employees might write you up. This really is a double-edged sword. I really can't recommend this for amateurs. And you, >>1, well, you should really just stick to today's special.

FBI copypasta

NOTICE TO CHATTER: The Federal Bureau of Investigation has logged a record of this chat along with the IP addresses of the participants due to potential violations of U.S. law. VIOLATION: Solicitation of a minor. IMPORTANT WARNING: If you think this chat session was logged in error, please state your reasons to the F.B.I. agent currently monitoring this chat and quote the reference number #2334531343. Failure to do so within the next 2 minutes will result in your IP and address being entered into our criminal data base and legal action.

Your IP address has been logged by the Child Internet Service Protection Agency. Please wait while memory ref code "XXXXX5151" is entered into the database.

The FBI is watching

You should probably read this.

Just listen to me. I am posting this thread because the FBI is at my house, questioning me about my internet habits. As you can see, they have discovered that I browse /b/ by looking at my internet history. They are standing over my shoulder right now, watching me type this. I'd like to show them what a great site 4chan is. Nothing questionable, remotely offensive, or anything that would otherwise put my patriotism in question.

Lost my courage dog folder, so here's a perfectly safe reason to post in this thread. I am in need of moar courage dog. Just remember:

The FBI are watching you, /b/.

Game up to their expectations.

FLCL

ha ha, i watch flcl too. it's so underground. i thought i was the only one. we can die together.

For 23 years

For 23 years and 11 months had I suffered them, the ignorant gaijin back home who sickened me with their microwaved culture and their materialism. The spindly losers in the anime club who cared only for anime and not a whit for the superior monoethnic culture to which it was endemic. Well no more. Fucking zettai no more. I touched down in the country I was certain I had lived all my previous lives, no doubt as a badass ronin samurai ninja or some shit. I had never been here, but I had returned.

Nippon-sama, tadaima!

No sooner had I left the airport when I saw the woman of my dreams. She confirmed my every hope, my every ideal of this great land. The light coming in through the sakura backlit her like a full body halo. She was made of demure and soft spoken. Of bowing and bento.

Of Japan and perfect.

My heart started doki doki-ing all over the shop. And then she saw me! Spotted me in the crowd! Well, of course she did, I was like a head taller than the fucking hobbits they call men around here. I was in no state of mind to meet her gaze, and tried to look away but I was paralysed. She was just so ... prettyu ...

And just like that she started walking over. Her walk was just pure concentrated sex. If you poured a glass of it sex fumes would just rise right off the top. I loved the way the light danced unevenly over her pristine porcelain skin as she walked. The way she did more for me by showing just her shoulders than any American girls could by showing their entire gaping cleavage for all the world to SEE THIS YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES, THIS IS WHAT SEXY IS YOU FUCKING WHORES -

Fresh Prince fanfic

Part 1

I AM WILL I MOVED TO BEL AIR WITH MY AUNT AND UNCLE AND IMMEDIATELY I NOTICED THE FAMILY WAS VERY CLEAN LOOKING UNLIKE MY MOM WHO WAS ALWAYS LOOKING LIKE SHIT AND I DIDNT KNOW MANY GIRLS IN PHILLY ANYWAY THE FAMILY WAS GREAT AND I HAD LOTS OF FOOD AND NEW FRIENDS.

ONE DAY CARLTON WAS WALKING IN THE HOUSE AND I LOVED HOW HE SMELLED CAUSE HE WORE AFTERSHAVE SO I TOLD HIM TO COME HERE CAUSE THE

DRYER NEEDED TO BE FIXED OR SOMETHING BUT I MADE IT UP AND WHEN HE WAS IN HALLWAY TOWARDS DRYER ROOM I ELBOWED HIS TEMPLE AND HE SLAMMED AGAINST THE WALL AND FELL TO THE FLOOR AND WOULDNT GET UP

I SAID YO CARLTON GET UP IT WAS JUST A JOKE BUT HE DIDNT MOVE

SO I WENT UPSTAIRS AND ATE SOME VANILLA COOKIES THEY HAD SITTING AROUND TO THINK OF MY PLAN AND THEN THE BUTLER GUY CAME IN I FORGOT HIS NAME BECAUSE I WAS SO TENSE AND HE SAID DONT EAT COOKIES CAUSE IT WILL SPOIL MY DINNER

SO I THREW THE COOKIES IN HIS FACE AND RAN UPSTAIRS

BAN ME PLEASE uPSTAIRS I SAW HILARYS ROOM WAS OPENED BUT I IGNORED THAT AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND TOOK A GOOD SHIT CAUSE OF THE VANILLA COOKIES AND STUFF SO THEN I REALIZED OH FUCK I LEFT CARLTON DOWNSTAIRS AND ITS BEEN LIKE 10 to 15 MINZ

SO I QUICKLY GOT UP WITH A SHIT HANGING FROM MY ASS LOOKED LIKE A TAIL CAUSE IT WAS THE COLOR OF MY SKIN BUT IF I HAD EATEN FRUITIE PEBBLES IT WOULDVE BEEN GREEN AND PEOPLE WOULDVE NOTICED

BUT ANYWAY I RAN DOWN STAIRS AND CARLTON WASNT ON THE FLOOR ANYMORE

WHEN I WENT TO FIND CARLTON I FOUND HIM IN THE KITCHEN WITH AN ICEPACK ON HIS HEAD AND HE SAID WILL WHY DID YOU DO THAT AND I SAID I TRIPPED AND HE BELIEVED ME SO I TOLD HIM TO COME UPSTAIRS AFTER HE FEELS BETTER

AS HE WAS WALKING UP THE STAIRS BEHIND ME I TURNED AROUND AND BACKED INTO HIM SO THE SHIT HANGING AS TAIL FROM MY ASS GOT ON HIS SHIRT BUT I BACKED UP TOO FAR AND CARLTON FELL DOWN THE STAIRS

I TURNED AROUND AND SAw THAT HE WASNT MOVING AGAIN

BUT I EXPECTED THAT HE WOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN AGAIN WITH ANOTHER ICE

THIS TIME I WENT INTO HILARYS ROOM BUT SHE WASNT THERE SO I TRIED TO GO BACK TO THE BATHROOM BUT IT WAS LOCKED AND I SAID YO OPEN UP AND HILARY WAS INSIDE SO I WAS LIKE YO ITS THE POLICE AND I KICKED THE DOOR OPEN BUT IT DIDNT OPEN AND I REALLY HURT MY LEG

SO I WAS GONNA GET REVENGE FOR THAT

AND I REALKLY HAD TO PEE

SO I LIED DOWN ON THE FLOOR SIDE WAYS AND PULLED MY PENIS TILL IT GOT A LITTLE LONGER

AND STUCK IT UNDER CRACK OF DOOR

AND STARTED TO PEE

AND HILARY WAS SCREAMING WILL NOT AGAIN AND I STARTED TO DO SHIT TOO BUT MY BUTT WAS FACING THE OTHER WAY SO IT GOT ON THE CARPET AND NOT IN THE BATHROOM

ANyway CARLTON CAME UPSTAIRS LIKE I EXPECTED AND HE SAW ME AND KIND OF SIGHED AND WENT TO HIS ROOM

SO I GOT UP AND WENT TO HIS ROOM AND BANGED OPEN THE DOOR AND ASKED HIM WHY HE SIGHED

AND HE EXPLAINED IT AND THEN HE WAS IN HIS UNDERWEAR CAUSE IT WAS REALLY HOT THAT DAY

SO I FOUND A BASKETBALL IN HIS CLOSET AND SAID YO CATCH AND THREW IT ON HIS HEAD AND HE FELL BACK ON HIS BED AND DIDNT MOVE

I WENT TO ASHLEYS ROOM AND SHE WAS WEARING A HAT BACKWARDS SO I TOLD HER THAT WAS RIGHT AND THEN HILARY FINALLY LEFT THE BATHROOM SO I WENT IN BUT I HAD NO PEE OR SHIT ANYMORE SO I CAME OUT AGAIN BUT ALMOST SLIPPED ON THE FLOOR THAT STUPID HILARY DIDNT CLEAN WHILE SHE WAS IN THERE

ANYWAY I WENT TO HER ROOM AND SHE WAS IN TOWEL AND SHE WAS TAKING IT OFF AND I WAS BEHIND HER AND SHE COULD SEE ME SO I KICKED HER IN THE SPINE ABOVE HER ASS

AND SHE FELL ONTO HER BED SCREAMING WILL!!!!!!! AND THEN I LEFT THE ROOM AND CAME BACK IN PRETENDING I JUST WALKED IN AND SAID YO WHATS WRONG?

AND SHE SAID WILL YOU KICKED ME IN THE BACK AND I SAID NO AND THEN I RAN TO CARLTONS ROOM GOT THE BASKETBALL AND BROUGHT IT BACK TO HER ROOM AND SAID YO LOOK I WAS PLAYING BE BALL AND SHE TURNED AROUND WITH HER TOWEL OFF TO LOOK AT THE B BALL AND I SAID SEE? YO CATCH AND I THREW IT AT HER FACE AND HER NOSE TOTALLY EXPLODED

I WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM AND SAW THAT ASHLEY WAS IN HER ROOM LISTENING TO MUSIC AND THEN THE CALL CAME FROM DOWNSTAIRS DINNAH IS READY THE BUTLER SAID SO I WENT DOWN STAIRS AHEAD OF EVERYONE AND HE SERVED SOME BIG BIRD

AT THE TABLE UNCLE ASKED HILARY WHATH APPENED TO HER NOSE AND AUNTI ASKED CONSTANTINE OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS WHAT HE DID THE WHOLE DAY AND HE SAID HE COULDNT REMEMBER AND BEFORE HILARY COULD TELL THAT I HAD THROWN BASKETBALL IN HER FACE I RAN OVER TABLE AND WHISPERED TO HER THAT ID DO ANY FAVOR FOR HER IF SHE DIDNT TELL

SO SHE DIDNT TELL AND UNCLE SAID WILL WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER? AND I SAID A SECRET ANYWAY I FINISHED MY MEAL AND UNCLE SAID THERE ARE NO SECRETS AMONG FAMILY IN THIS HOUSE AND I SAID WHAT ABOUT YOU AND CARLTON AND LAUGHED AND RAN UP StaiRS BUT BEFORE I GOT TO THE TOP STAIR I WENT YO

ANYWAY EVERYONE WAS SETTLING DOWN AND UNCLE AND AUNTY WERE IN THEIR ROOMS AND EVERYONE WAS IN THEIR ROOMS

SO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO THE BUTLERS ROOM AND HE WAS WATCHING TV WITH ONLY HIS TOP ON

AND I SAID YO WAHTS UP AND HE SAID JUST WATCHING TV MR WILL AND I SAID YOUR COCK LOOKs LIKE RAISEN BUT I KICKED HIS TV LIKE A HORSE AND PULLED UP HIS SHIRT AND BIT HIS STOMACH REALLY HARD TILL BLOOD CAME OUT AND HE SCREAMED AND I LEFT

ANHYUWAY

IS THIS STORY BORING U

OR SHOULD I CONTINUE? Part 2

cause its night time in bel air

and everyone in their rooms

so anyway

I GO UPSTAIRS AND ITS GETTING LATE SO I GET READY TO SLEEP AND I SEE THAT AUNTI GOES TO THE BATHROOM UPSTAIRS SO I BUST IN THE ROOM TO SURPRISE UNCLE AND SEE HIs GHUGE FAT BODY NAKED ON THE BED BELLY UP

SO I BODY SLAM ON TOP OF HIM AND HE SCREAMS WILL!!!!! AND I CANT FIND HIS B ALLS OR PENIS UNDER ALL HIS FAT SO I GRAB HIS FACE WITH MY FEET AND SQUEEZE REALLY HARD

AND HE SAID WILL BUT IT SOUNDED MORE LIKE MMMLLL AND THEN HIS WIFE COMES IN AND SAys WILL WHAT ARE U DOING WILL STOP!

AND I TELL HER TO BACK OFF CAUSE HE NEEDS THE EXERCISE AND THEN WHEN IM PUSHING HER AWAY I RIP OFF HER NIGHT GOWN THING AND SHES THERE AND HAS BIG BOOBS

my PENIS goes BOING and I GET OFF UNCLE AND PUSH HER AND THE WINDOW WAS OPEN BEHIND HER AND SHE FALLS OUT

BUT SHE DOESNT FALL ALL THE WAY DOWN SHES HANGING ON WITH HER HAND AND SHARP NAILS

SO THEN ON HER FINGERS I RUB MY PENIS BACK AND FORTH

AND IMAGINE ITS MAKING MUSICAL SOUNDS

AND THEN I THINK OF A REALLY GOOD RAP

YO YO I MOVED TO BEL AIR AND I CANT GET YALL TO HEAR ABOUT IT MY NAME IS WILL AND IM ILL WITH THE SKILL TO RHYME AND IT AINT A CRIME ITS SO SUBLIME AND MY CHILD WAS IN THE WAR WITH THE ENEMY AND I SAID YO DONT SELL HIM TO DENEMY

AND THEN I LEFT THE ROOM WITH THE RAP STILL GOING THROUGH MY HEAD

AND I SEE ASHLEYS ROOM IS OPENED AND SHES ON HER BED AND SHE IS CRYING

SO I SAY YO ASHLEY WHATS UP

AND BEFORE SHE CAN LOOK UP I SLAP HER SO HARD THAT THE LIGHTS IN THE ROOM FLICKER ON AND OFF

LOL WELL SHE AINT CRYING NOW SO I LEFT THE ROOM AND WENT TO HILARYS ROOM

BUT SHE WASNT THERE

SO I RAN DOWNSTAIRS CAUSE I HEARD THE FRIDGE OPEN

AND SHE WAS THERE IN A LONG T SHIRT LOOKING FOR A NIGHT TIME SNACK

SO I SAID YO HILARY

AND SHE SAID WHAT WILL?

AND I SAID NOTHIN and went FFF to CONTROL MY LAUGHTER AND RAN UPSTAIRS

I WENT TO CHECK ON UNCLE AND AUNTIE AND UNCLE WAS TRYING TO ROLL OUT OF BED AND AUNTIE WAS STILL HOLDING ON

SO I SAID YO UNCLE LET ME HELP BUT WHEN I TRIED TO GET MY HANDS UNDER HIM HE ROLLED TOWARDS ME AND I HEARD CRACKING NOISES

AND THEN I FELT IT AND I SCREAMED SO BIG THAT MY MOUTH FELT LIKE IT WAS GOING TO TEAR

I PULLED OUT MY BROKEN HANDS LIMP AND ALREADY STARTING TO SWELL AND I COULDNT FEEL ANYTHING SO I RAN OUT OF THE ROOM TO TELL CARLTON WHAT HAPPENED

HE SAID HE READ A BOOK ON REIKI HEALING AND HE SNAPPED MY HANDS BACK INTO PLACE SO TO TEST IT I SLAPPED HIM

THEY WERE BACK!

THEN HILARY CAME IN

AND SAID WILL I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT FAVOR YOU PROMISED

AND SO WE WENT BACK TO HER ROOM

AND SHE TOOK OFF HER T SHIRT AND SAID WILL I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A MENACE

AND I SAID THATS ONE THING I CANT DO AND I JUMPED AND KICKED HER IN THE NECK AND FELL ON MY HIP

SHE WAS GASPING FOR AIR AND I DRAGGED MYSELF BACK TO CARLTON TO FIX MY HIP

AND HE DID AND TO TEST IT THIS TIME I DID A HULA DANCE AND WENT TO ASHLEYS ROOM

I SAW SHE WAS DOING HOMEWORK ON HER DESK OR WRITING SOMETHING

SO I WENT TO HER BED AND SHAT ON IT

AND SNEAKED OUT OF HER ROOM

HILARY RAN OUT OF HER ROOM NAKED AND SAID IM TELLING DAD AND I SAID GO AHEAD AND TELL THE FAT FUCK AND ANYWAY I WENT IN BEHIND HER AND UNCLE HAD GOTTEN UP AND WAS HELPING AUNTI BACK INSIDE THE ROOM AND EVERYONE WAS NAKEDI N THERE SO I LEFT AND SLAMMED THE DOOR AND SAID WEAR SOME CLOTHES YOU FUCKERS BUT I STILL WASNT WEARING PANTS SO I REMEMBERED THE BUTLER AND WENT DOWNSTAIRS

HE WAS BANDAGING HIS STOMACH BITE WOUND SO I KEPT SLAPPING HIS HAND SO HE COULDNT FINISH AND THEN I TOOK ONE OF THE SHARDS FROM THE SMASHED TV THAT I HORSE KICKED AND SAID YO BRO WATCH OUT THERES AN ANT ON YOUR FACE AND I THREW THE SHARD INTO HIS FACE AND THEN REGRETTED THAT I SAID ANT AND NOT SPIDER AND THEN I TOOK THE SHARD OUT OF HIS FACE AND SAID YO ITSA SPIDER SORRY NOT AN ANT OH NO

ITS CRAWLING IN YOUR NOSE SO I STUCK THE SHARD IN HIS NOSE AND THEN HEARD SOME COMMOTION UPSTAIRS SO I PULLED IT OUT SIDEWAYS REALLY QUICK AND BUTLER SCREAMED AND I RAN UPSTAIRS AND DROPPED THE SHARD ON THE STAIRS AND WENT TO ASHLEYS ROOM WHERE SHE WAS GETTING UNDRESSED TO GET IN HER SLEEP CLOTHES AND SHE HAD A LITTLE BODY SO I PICKED HER UP BY THE WAISTE AND THREW HER ACROSS THE ROOM AND TOWARDS THE WALL BUT IT WAS TOO HIGH AND SHE HIT THE ROOM LIGHT AT THE ROOF AND SHATTERED IT

I RAN TO HILARYS ROOM AND SAW SHE WASNT THERE AND THEN I WENT TO CARLTON AND SAID ITS TIME FOR FAMILY MEETING SO I GOT HIM UP AND I TOOK HIM TO UNCLES ROOM WITH EVERYONE IN IT EXCEPT ASHLEY AND BUTLER

I SAID YO WAIT HERE AND RAN BACK DOWNSTAIRS BUT THE SHARD GOT IN MY FOOT AND IT REALLY HURT SO I PULLED ITO UT AND GOT BUTLER AND THEN GOT ASHLEY AND EVERYONE I PUT THEM IN THE ROOM

AND I SAID ONE FINAL TOUCH AND I RAN TO HILARIES ROOM AND GOT THE BASKETBALL AND BROUGHT IT BACK AND THEN THREW IT REALLY HARD AND IT HIT UNCLES FACE AND HE FELL OVER ON CARLTONS LEG AND CRUSHED IT AND UNCLES NOSE WAS BLEEDING AND I BENT AUNTI OVER AND SHE FARTED IN MY EYE SO I JUDO CHOPPED HER ANUS BUT IT DIDNT DO ANYTHING SO I KICKED HER IN BETWEEN HER BUT CHEEKS AND SHE SCREAMED AND FELL FORWAR

AND SLAMMED HER HEAD ON THE NIGHT STAND TABLE THAT HELD THE LAMP AND THEN I PICKED UP THE LAMP AND TURNED THE LIGHT OFF AND PULLED OUT THE CORD AND SET IT BACK ON THE TABLE BECAUSE THE ROOM LIGHT WAS ON WHY LWASTE ELECTRICITY

THEN I YAWNED AND WENT TO MY ROOM AND WENT TO SLEEP THE END

Furfag in over

hello /b/ i probably wont be here for a while but we will get to that part later.

so here i am with my friend, i called him up and asked if he wanted to come over after work to hang out and we got back at about 6;30. We make some popcorn and start playing some halo coop. We are talking about sex in video games and the conversation drifted to the internet when he says "have you ever seen fur art? i kind of like it and i post at an internet forum for it too sometimes, you should check it out"

i just stared at him for a few seconds then i got up and went up stairs. I opened the door to my room and just moped around a bit, i started to rummage through some party wigs in my closet and i found a dark colored afro one, i held it in my hands looking at it before putting it on, then i went over to the bathroom and just sat on the floor staring at the mirror for what seemed like hours. I could hear from downstairs that he had started to play the game again, after a few more minuets i got up, went up into the attic and grabbed a baseball bat, i walked downstairs careful not to knock over the potted plants, i could see him sitting on the couch there, focused completely on the game, my free hand started to twitch a little bit, he was to talking to me again; "hey can you get me a soda from the fridge buddy?" it seemed to break a trance that i was in, like i just woke up from a dream, my right hand griped the bat so hard my fingers turned white.

I walked up behind him and swung the bat at him, cracking him right below the back of his head, it sent him tumbling off the couch, i could see he was bleeding on the floor and it made me angry, i felt like i was going into a haze again, his eyes were spinning and they were beginning to turn white, i raised the bat up high and brought it down on his chest, there was a slight crunch and he huffed loudly as air escaped, he groaned slightly and i screamed as loud as i could at him; "FURFAG GOES IN EVERY OVEN!" i hauled him up by his neck and legs and tossed him into the street.

after a few days i hear he was hospitalized, apparently i had fractured one of his ribs and a bone fragment punctured his liver.

so now i am facing three years in prison with no parole for aggravated assault, 1y 8 months on good behavior, if you ever asked me, was it worth it, well to tell the truth, yes, yes it was worth it.

and i would do it again too

Furry Texan

I've been a Furry for 10 years now and want to stop. The problem is that the group of furs that I hang out with don't like me now and if I took my fursuit off, they would probably beat me up and kill me. My last boyfriend (a cute b/w wolf) gave me herpes on my ass and now I have a hard time taking a shit. Sometimes I have to take an Ex-lax so my shit will come out easy.

I've never had sex with a girl, because I don't know how to pick them up. That's why I turned Furry. But now I'm just tired of guys ripping my ass when they don't use lubrication. I've had to get stitches three times. I went out with a fox last night who said he only gives, he doesn't receive, so I had to suck his dick and he made me swallow or he would kick my ass.

- Tony, Age 20, Austin, Texas

Gamespot Idiots

Did you see this? Did you hear about this?

Those fuckers SHAFTED AND ROBBED MODERN WARFARE 2.

No fucking awards. NONE. NOT ONE. Instead, listen to this shit:

GAME OF THE YEARS >Demon's Souls (faggy weeaboo piece of shit)

Best Shooter >Killzone 2 (laggy, slow faggot fanboy shit game with blurry graphics)

Best online >Killzone 2 (unplayable impossible to aim piece of fuck)

Best Sound >Killzone 2 (fucking niggers)

Most Improved Sequel >Killzone 2 (the shit is THIS. MW2 had this fucking award in a LOCK, biased sons of bitches)

Man, mother fucking MW2 wasn't even NOMINATED for GOTY. But fucking Demon's Souls and Killzone 2 were. This is some shit and I say we fucking fire up the LOIC and take those nigger loving racist pieces of shits DOWN.

A gentleman's agreement

Salutations good sirs. Within a fortnight I shall set forth, with my Queen's congee of course, on a voyage to the Southernmost Colonies. In the Southland I design to retrieve a large shipment of these newfound creatures called "Negroids". Upon my return from the colonies I would be happy to bequeath you one or two for your sport. However, an exchange must take place. I require several daguerreotype depictions of bantam youngsters in "salacious" poses to add to my quite substantial collection. I propose we form a gentleman's agreement, if you could supply these daguerreotypes in advance of our exchange I would happily supply a half-ape-half-man creature at the time of our meeting. Do respond in haste my good sirs for I dare say my interest has been piqued. I have included a related vignette of my cargo for your appraisal. If the benevolent proprietors of this fine establishment are to find my libidinous requests deviant, then I suspect a ban from the premises and an assemblage of celebratory buggies outside my residence may be in order.

Sincerely and with great respect, Sir David V. Thomas

George W. Bush and Fort Hood

The doctor had his TV on in his office when the news of the military base shootings at Ft. Hood, TX came on. The husband of one of his employees was stationed there.

He called her into his office and as he told her what had happened, her cell phone rang. It was an ER nurse: "I am sorry to tell you this, but your husband has been shot 4 times and he is in surgery."

The soldier's wife left Southern Clinic in Dothan, AL and drove all night to Ft. Hood. When she arrived, she found out her husband was out of surgery and would be OK. She rushed to his room and found that he already had visitors there to comfort him. He was just waking up and found his wife and the visitors by his side. The nurse took this picture.

What? No news crews and cameras? This is how people with class respond and pay respect to those in uniform. I sent my cousin in Fayetteville, N.C. (Retired from Special Forces) that picture of G.W. visiting the wounded at Ft. Hood. I got this reply:

What is even better is the fact G.W. heard about Fort Hood, got in his car without any escort, apparently they did not have time to react, and drove to Fort Hood. He was stopped at the gate and the guard could not believe who he had just stopped. Bush only asks for directions to the hospital then drove on. The gate guard called that "The President is on Fort Hood and driving to the hospital."

The base went bananas looking for Obama. When they found it was Bush, they immediately offered escort. Bush simply told them to let him visit the wounded and the dependents of the dead. He stayed at Fort Hood for over six hours, and was finally asked to leave by a message from the White House. Obama flew in days later and held a "photo" session in a gym, and did not even go to the hospital.

Someone, PLEASE, show me anything that will tell us that Obama has ANY respect.

Girl gamer

Hey /b/, I'm a girl gamer.

No I'm not fat. No I won't make you a sandwich. No I'm not ugly. No I don't go out with guy gamers, because they're usually socially retarded and ugly. Yes my boyfriend is a bit of a jock, so what? No I won't show you my tits, so don't fucking ask.

And finally.

Yes, we do fucking exist, so stop saying otherwise. And we enjoy games (SHOCK HORROR) just as much as men.

Girl scout

OK, /b/, here's what happened. I was sitting around the house yesterday, minding my own business, when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a cute little loli (maybe7-8yo)! She's dressed in this hot short skirt, and some kind of military fetish outfit, called herself a "girl scout", or something like that. Another word for hooker, as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, after some haggling, I got something you aren't gonna BELIEVE! She was selling BOXED LOLIS! That's right! Every box had pictures of some of the most rapeable cake you've ever laid eyes on. Some boxes had 5or6 on the cover! Well, hell if I'm gonna pass up an opportunity like this! So I dumped $400, the whole damn supply. Then I slammed the door in her face, stripped, covered my self in cooking oil and ripped those suckers open in a sex-crazed frenzy. What the fuck do I find scattered all over my floor? Helpless lolis screaming for mercy? Children huddling in corners trying futilely to escape my embrace? FUCK NO! A bunch of goddamn COOKIES! I grab my bat, ran outside flinging oil and profanity in every direction, only to find the little cunt making her escape in an unmarked minivan. But she'll get hers. I've heard this story time and time again, by other poor souls who've been taken advantage of by these evil bitches. And... I've found the location of their secret base. Girl Scouts of the USA 420 Fifth Avenue New York, New York 10018-2798 (800) 478-7248. I've got a machete, 3 bottles of vegetable oil, and a raging, throbbing, rock hard sense of burning justice. Are you with me /b/? Help avenge your /b/rothers shattered hopes and dreams! ALL PERSONNEL, REPORT IN! ETA on target @ 23:59:59 tonight!

Girl farts

I just learned that girls farts smell better than video games.

Seriously. You know that new game package smell? Like when you just took off the wrapping? My god, its a glorious smell. I've masturbated sniffing this smell so many times. It's great and the main reason I still buy games.

But my sister just farted on the couch next to me while I was playing Street Fighter IV. She blushed got up fanned her ass and ran to the bathroom to, I assume, shit or maybe she shit herself while she was next to me, there was some extra bulge in the back of her jeans. Now let me reiterate. She was sitting directly next to me. In effect, she farted on my side and then waved fart gas from her butt to my face. Now you fucking listen to me. This smelled glorious. I immediately became rock hard and didn't give a shit, I pulled my cock out and masturbated right there smelling my own sister fart. I didn't even care that I got beat by a scrub Ken while I was jerking off.

God bless you dad

what if one day you woke up and your nipples were completely gone like no scars or anything, just flat skin and then once you leave your room you find out your dad died last night and then several days later, you find out that for your entire life your dad had been sneaking into your room while you slept and sucking on your chest to make to gigantic hickeys where your nipples should be because you were born without them not for any sexual reason, just so you would fit in

god bless you dad

The grimer of retribution

Long time ago the class "Paladin" was born and it had survived from many unfortunate and horrifying events. Among the paladins the rank of retribution was the most fearsome. The retribution paladin knows not fear they strike in to the heart of their enemy and deal complete destruction. But lately the balances of the paladin order have been Brocken. The supreme power of the retribution has been mocked. The retribution paladin has become the lowest of the lowest rank. this was result of the jealousy and hatred from other ranks and classes. As been one of the few surviving hero class the paladins has been targeted. Not only the order was mocked the creators even further disgraced the order by giving the holy sacred power over to the horde. The end is near unless those ranks of holy and protection realize what is happening.

Health care reform

You didn't get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President. You didn't get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy. You didn't get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed. You didn't get mad when the Pentagon misplaced $2.3 trillion. You didn't get mad when the Patriot Act got passed. You didn't get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us. You didn't get mad when we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on said illegal war. You didn't get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq. You didn't get mad when you saw the Abu Grahib photos. You didn't get mad when you found out we were torturing people. You didn't get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans. You didn't get mad when we didn't catch Bin Laden. You didn't get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed. You didn't get mad when we let a major US city drown. You didn't get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark. You didn't get mad when the debt went up $5 trillion under Bush. You finally got mad when.. when... wait for it... when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all ok with you but helping other Americans... well fuck that.

Hentai isn't bullshit

hey /b/ japanese cumdumpster here. i know, fucked up, right?

so, you think the stuff you see in hentai is bullshit? cause i tell you, these days i find out some are NOT.

so i was getting subway home, right? it was a little late and as our subway is famour for, it was very crowded. and all of sudden i feel a hand crawling up my legs!! it just stop before getting to my skirt and i thought it was just an accident. and then there it go again, this time the hand firmly grips my ass cheek and squeeze!!! i was so mad!!

so i slapped whoever the guy was 's hand away and turned around to give him a glare. so creepy!! he like 20 years older than me, and im 19

i thought he would back off after glare but he put fingers right between my legs, i kind of freeze for moment because that was the most disgusting thing i ever experience

i was so embarassed i couldn't scream. you see, in japan some girls slutty, but for others honor is important. so i just walked away and was tankful the next station was osaka, where i live

really, nothing alike happen to me before. i always think hentai was bullshit was i guess the authors really dont come up with their stories out of nowhere

what do you think i should have done, /b/? im really sad right now, there's no one i can speak my friends would think it so weird so i come and share this with you

HOW TO BE AN ANARCHIST!!!

    1. 1.0.##[DIRTY]########################################################
to do this you will need a piece of paper and a bright crayon or pen. you should keep in mind that paper is white so yellow and pink are not good choices

SO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO?:

1.take the paper and the crayon or pen (I WILL BE CALLING IT A CRAYON FROM NOW ON TO AVOID WRITING TWO SEPARATE TECHNIQUES) and write something totally offensive on it like "SHIT" or if youre feeling really nihilistic i guess you could use something even more offensive but dont go overboard because the man is always watching!!

2.put the piece of paper on your doormat with the words facing upwards so when the mailman comes in the morning to give you letters he will see the words you wrote and he will think like "Wow This House is full of Anarchists!! Better Watch out!!" and maybe if youre lucky he will forget a letter and youll be able to tell your friends that mailmen suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. 1.1.##[TAPER]#########################################################
this is a neat trick you can do in the evening when youre bored and anarchy is on your mind! just be sure you have tape (not clear tape.. even tho you can do some pretty nifty tricks with clear tape) and scissors (if you dont have any.. then as i say "what Kind of Anarchist Are You!"

TELL ME ZAZIKERNG HOW DO I HAVE ANARCHY IN MY HOME WITH JUST TAPE?:

1.first this is a pretty easy trick to do but make sure you don't have to clean up in your house this week or something.. youll have to clean up the windows... grade a punishment straight from the government...

2.anyway... go look for a window in your house.. it shouldnt be too hard heh ok now take the tape and with the help of your scissors (i hope you have some ..) make a big anarchy sign on the window.. to help you i made this diagram:

/\ / / / / \ \ \ \ / / / / \ \ \ \ / / / / \ \ \ \ |_|____/_/\_\___|_| || | | / / \ \ | | | | / / \ \ | | \ \/ / \ \/ / \ \/ \/ / \_\/_/ \/

3.sorry its not perfect... but im still learning.. anyway next time someone walks past your house they will think "Oh how Good this is a Pretty House.. I Think some nice Capitalist People live in There..." and then they will see the anarchy sign and their minds will be confused.. "Oh No my Guess was Wrong this is an Anarchist House!!!!!!!"

IDEAS: 1. this only works if you have bushes or nice hiding places at your house.. after you make the sign go outside and hide... then you have to wait.. when you see a person come up wait for his face to change to terror as he sees it.. now is your moment to strike... jump out of your hiding place and say "I did This... I am Starting a Anarchist Revolution... Get Ready Capitalist Pig.." and then either hell get scared and run away and you can tell all your anarchist buddies/BBSes about what happened... and then youll get new friends or.. if he doesnt run away he might join you and then youll have another anarchist warrior to help you... this will double your anarchy potential

    1. 2.0.##[LOCKER]#######################################################
very nice good trick i learned when i went to the school... of anarchy!! all you need is some keys and a school with some lockers in it.. lockers are bad because they are made to hide secret megacorporation information used to make people mindless slaves!!

WHAT TO DO:

1. get your keys (or mayb knife if you are a experinced anarchist..) and find the locker of your capitalist enemy.. in next part you need to unleash some fury!!

2. use your keys to scrape some anarchy sign or threat on your enemys locker! HAHAHA!!

3. wait for your enemy to arive.. watch as he falls on his knees and starts to cry!! a capitalist enemie destroyed mentally.... one less enemei in the world... ANARCHY REVALUTION IS HERE!!

IDEAS: 1. use red crayon instead of key.. your enemy wil think you used blood to draw the sign or threat or something... one time i heard he killed himself... 2. use clear tape like in 1.1 TAPER CAPERS 3. draw anarchie logo on your own locker... evryone will know you are a anarchist and are afraid to go to your locker.. othar than mayb other anarchists....but thats good because you can build anarchiste army easily

    1. 2.1.##[TEACHER]######################################################
this is the first article on destroying teacher completely... its very good help for begining anarchists because teacher are working for the man to to control your mind... and make you capitalist!! it helps if you are one of the neon knights of metaland.. you need some spraypaint i hope you can get it

TO DESTROY TEACHER COMPLTELY:

1. wait for your teacher to say sumthing stupid and capitalist to you.. like tell you false information like anarchy sucks or something...

2. say FUK U i'm your anarchy name here and spraypaint anarchy logo on wall

3. break window and jump out.. if its higher than second floor they wil think you are imortal.. u can use this as advantayge.

4. leave school or go kick some windows.. watever anarchist stuf you can think of.. teacher shud be ready for mental hospital now!! hahaha! anarchie wins again

IDEAS: you can do prety much anythin you want... teachers are weak beings easily destroyd!! this is very basic article.. go try it

I am the cancer

I am proud to say i am the cancer that is killing /b/. /b/ is the cancer that is killing the internet. The internet is the cancer that is killing western civilization. western civilization is the cancer that is killing humanity. humanity is the cancer that is killing the earth. Why am i proud to say that i am the cancer of the cancer of the cancer of the cancer? because i have cancer and it's killing me.

I consider myself 100% straight

I consider myself 100% straight. I have zero attraction toward men but I find big penises sort of attractive.

I love women so much I grow a little jealous of their looks. I dress up in women's lingerie and jack off while watching blowjob porn while imagining myself as the girl.

I still don't find men attractive though. Anyone feel like this?

I hate girls

Something horrible happened to me today.

This girl that I liked walked up to me during lunch break, along with her friends following her. I was very nervous already -like I always am with girls- and could tell from the heat on my face I was heavily blushing, which made me even more nervous. To add to that, her friends were laughing behind her shoulders, so I smelled something fishy right away.

The worst thing that has ever happened to me then occurred. Never in my life have I felt so miserable. She looked at me with a grin on her face, and told me that first off she never liked me, and was just playing with me for a laugh. Then, she added that I was ugly and that no one would ever want to be with someone like me. Behind her, her friends were laughing and capturing the whole scene with their camera phones (so yeah, it was probably planned from the start, all to have a big laugh at me)

I didn't even know how to react, so many people were around and looking at me that I just felt I was going to fall unconscious. I walked out of there mechanically -I was barely able to think- as quickly as I could with tears I was hardly keeping and went to the bathroom to CRY. I hadn't cried for years and there I was, in the fucking canteen's bathroom crying.

I'm a fucking loser and I hate myself SO FUCKING BAD. I hate girls and I hate humans. They rob you of every single piece of self-esteem you have for their own self-enjoyment. How the fuck am I supposed to go on with life when people are so horrible?

FUCK

I hate Ubuntu

 hate Ubuntu. I immediately lose respect for anyone who runs it, and especially those who advocate it. Here’s why:

Name 20 features, release-for-release or year-for-year that have not come from Redhat. Redhat basically runs the show when it comes to Linux. This includes things like NetworkManager, Gnome, Xorg, GCC, glibc, LVM, KVM, kernel, file systems et al. Redhat has developers making significant contributions to the entire FOSS software stack upstream.

Ubuntu on the other hand pulls most of the heavy weight packaging from Debian with each release. They then perform minor patching and testing. It generally lags behind Fedora by a release or two in parts of the software stack. I never see @ubuntu or @cannocial email addresses in upstream changelogs.

So tell me again, how exactly does Ubuntu innovate? They even struggle to release a new theme with each release, and artwork is about the only original thing in Ubuntu.

Yes, Ubuntu is stable because they are standing on the shoulders of giants. Most of the hard work is hashed out before they ever import software into their repositories. This is fine, and what FOSS is all about, but I prefer to be in with the leaders rather than the followers.

What really irks me and what has really brewed my hatred are Ubuntu users. They seem to think Ubuntu is responsible for all that is good in the FOSS world. I have just proven how false this is. In my experience, Ubuntu support mechanisms (IRC, mailing lists, forums) are much less helpful than the alternative.

If you want a nice desktop distro, run Fedora or OpenSUSE. If you like control, run Gentoo. If you need stability, run RHEL/CentOS or Debian. But please, don’t feed the idiot magnet that is Ubuntu!

I hate weeaboos

I hate weeaboos. I don't conisder myself a weeaboo, I'm actually Japanese for real, well almost. I will be when I live in Japan though. Right now I'm studying japanese, japanese history and I'm following Bushido, the way of the warrior. This is why I hate weeaboos that know 5 words in japanese and use them all the time, kawaai baka DESU NE MOTHERFUCKER. I'm actually trying to become Japanese for real unlike all these faker wees. FUCK YOU WEEABOOS

So my question is, how good are my chances of becoming Japanese for real?

I have a ritual called "terminator"

I have a ritual called "terminator". I crouch in the shower in the "naked terminator" pose. With eyes closed I crouch for a minute and visualize either Arnie or the guy from the 2nd movie. I then start to hum the T2 theme. Slowly I rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me get through my day. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It sorta ruins the fantasy.

Imagine a giant flying penis

Imagine a giant penis flying towards your mouth, and there's nothing you can do about it. And you're like "Oh man, I'm gonna have to suck this thing", and you brace yourself to suck this giant penis. But then, at the last moment, it changes trajectory and hits you in the eye. You think to yourself "Well, at least I got that out of the way", but then the giant penis rears back and stabs your eye again, and again, and again. Eventually, this giant penis is penetrating your gray matter, and you begin to lose control of your motor skills. That's when the giant penis slaps you across the cheek, causing you to fall out of your chair. Unable to move and at your most vulnerable, the giant penis finally lodges itself in your anus, where it rests uncomfortably for 4, maybe 5 hours. That's what using a Mac is like.

Jenkem

I am writing you anonymously because I do not want my child to get in any trouble, but I need to alert you to something your students are doing that is potentially very dangerous. Yesterday afternoon I came home early to find my son and his friends getting high on something called "jenkem" which they say they heard about at school. This "jenkem" is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of. They urinate and defecate in plastic bottles and leave them to ferment in the sun, then inhale the resulting gas. I know it sounds unreal but when I came home I found my son and his friends laying on the grass in the backyard and they were acting very strangely. There was a horrible, putrid smell in the air. I can't believe my son would do something like this. I looked it up on the internet and apparently this was something invented by African children that wound up online and now kids all over the world are doing it. My son says most of his friends at school have tried it.

This seems to be a new thing and I can't find any information about the health effects of jenkem - I think it is the methane and ammonia content that provides the desired high, but I don't really know. Both of those are very harmful chemicals. All sorts of diseases are spread through fecal matter. I imagine it could lead to some very serious health problems at you school. My wife and I are utterly shocked and talking about private school. We have talked to our son about this and he says he won't do it anymore, but because it is on the internet kids all over the country are trying jenkem and they need to be educated about the health risks. It is only a matter of time before somebody dies from methane poisoning or this leads to a hepatitic outbreak. I don't know exactly what you could do about this as jenkem is legal but I needed to inform you of what some of your students are doing.

JPEG

Because JPEGs are more heavily compressed than other image formats, their information is more volatile and likely to expand at high speed through an unchecked buffer, poorly allocated resource or any other available system space. I'd guess you're probably losing image data through one of these means.

You see, when you load a JPEG into memory, the EXtra colour Information Format (EXIF) header is loaded into RAM in order to prepare the video prebuffer for the incoming high-speed flow of colour information from the uncorked JPEG. If your bus isn't ready for this information, the rapidly decompressing file information can flow through other parts of your system.

Ordinarily this isn't a problem: as a matter of fact, JPEG was designed for this sort of thing. Older computers couldn't handle the explosive power behind the fledgeling image decompression algorithm, so rather than fight it, image experts invented the Jampacked Picture Extraction and Gathering (JPEG) protocol. They cleverly decided to allow the image data to spray wherever it would, knowing that after the extraction phase would send raw data all over the inside of the computer, the gathering phase would locate it all and reassemble it into an image. With the advent of faster computers the delay between spray and collection is so small as to be unnoticeable, while newer and bigger video cards are more capable of withstanding the onslaught of colours.

Still, the primary weakness of this algorithm is the haphazard placement of decompressed data. There's just too much of it to channel through normal means, so any loss of data containment results in corrupted images. In your case, it would appear that you're losing image data through the empty hole where your goddamned shift key should be.

King of the Hill anime

Hank: So, uh, this morning i caught Bobby watching *Japanese Cartoons* on the computer. It was just a bunch of pink and sparkles and little girls with alien eyes. I tell ya, that boy ain't right.

Dale: Sounds like a classic gray alien to me. You know they've already invaded human society in a plot to enslave us all.

Boomhauer:Youknowdemjapanesecartoonsmandemboomboompowninjamagicdemgatdangsushirollsanddemtentaclecom cisman. Lolis.

Bill: I knew a guy on the army base who liked to watch Japanese cartoons in the computer lab. His captain caught him and he was discharged for being "undesirable". What a shame.

Hank: But why would he be interested in asian cartoons? What ever happened to Superman - The Man of Steel, and the rest of the Justice League? And why would a boy be interested in watching little japanese girls have tea parties or arrange flowers?

Dale: It's todays youth culture, Hank. They're not interested in caped crusaders who fight for morality. They like the exotic and the sexually ambiguous.

Hank: Well i'll be damned if i'm going to let Bobby turn into an oriental sissy. First thing tomorrow i'm taking him to the comic book store and buying him a Superman comic.

Bill: Oh! While you're there, could you pick me up a copy of Azumanga Daioh? The computer lab guy said it was "kah-whhyyyy"

Hank: .....Go home Bill.

Krystal Lee Pender

Hey! =] I’m Krystal Lee Pender and I can’t help but think I’m truly amazing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, but I think we can all agree that we’ve got a pretty fine piece of RAW MEAT on our hands. Now, before I come out with my life problems, I must tell you first about my life. Born and raised in Vegas, moved to Hillsborough at age 13 and started my life as a farmer on Amwell Road with my family of thirty kitties. For a reason which I will not go into (FOR NOW), my farming experience turned out for the worst, and I was unable to produce a cash crop to support my raw meat body. I was hungry, poor, and famlyless as my kitties were all dead for I was unable to feed their holocaust like bodies after several weeks. Finally after entering high school, I met a frisky girl named Tina Pender. Strange thing is that Tina and I share something very similar…say, a last name? And what better of a last name to have. WE’RE EXTRA TENDA LIKE A DOUBLE MEATY PENDA.

Enough said for that- I shall now tell you the relationship I have with Tina Pender. Tina is a fair woman with several love handles that I love to grab onto while we preform the most intimate of moments. It gets even weirder when I tell you that Tina and I are almost identical in physical appearance. About a week ago Tina penetrated my human ass with a strap on in the middle of the night and I was forced into having sex with her, although I would not call this rape. Tina humped me for over thirty hours. Once she was done she got up and spun about as though she was being watched by thousands of people, with her being a famous dancer. This, obviously was not the case. The naked Tina Pender stood before me, sweating and red. She screamed obnoxiously and jumped to the door, flying fifteen feet across the room at an unnaturally slow speed. With that, I woke up and started my day just as usual. A day past and I happened to have the idea of a pregnancy test. Well, luck for me the test came out positive.

OKAY SO YOU ALL MUST BE WONDERING THE PRECIOUS QUESTION I’M GOING TO ASK YOU…….IS TINA A MAN? THINKING BACK, I CANNOT RECALL IF THE “STRAPON” WAS TRULY AS STRAPON OR A REAL PENIS. HELP! =] <33333

Legend of 4chan

Legend has it that if you travel east to Japan, you will find an old man living on the coast just 40 miles south of Tokyo. If you give this man $500,000 he will take you to an island just off the coast that can't be found on any map. This island is filled with people without faces or names, who hold grudges over the most trivial of matters. When you arrive at this island the first thing you will see is a swimming pool that is never open. Just beyond the pool you will find a town that is filled with cats. You must find a white cat wearing a pink bow. If you ask the cat how to get to Mexico, he will stand up and ask you for three things: Your name, your face, and your soul. If you agree to give them to him, your face will vanish and you will forget your own name. You can live on the island and have whatever you desire, but you can never leave the island. The only way to escape is to find the cat again and ask for a young child. The next day a van will pull up in front your house. You will hear a knock at the door, and a voice will ask if you want to come to a party. No one knows what happens if you answer the door.

Linux users are losers

Linux users (aka Aspies), how's it feel to know there's an entire group of individuals who are better at social interaction than you are? Meet Windows users. They are better than you.

They understand conversations better, they understand body language better, they know how to network better than you. They understand the pros and cons of friendships(including fuckbuddies) because on windows, you'll actually have friends; they understand the principles behind small talk because they run into phrases like "how's it going" and "what's up man"; they can probably get laid too, since having sex naturally comes from knowing how to talking to girls(and this really pisses you off, since flirting was the one thing you always failed at on linux.) Oh, and they probably can even talk to geeks better than you, since most advanced windows users these days are ex-nerds who managed to learn social skills years ago, when it was much less user friendly.

At this point, a confident individual would admit to himself he has a lot to learn about socializing and people in general. But since you lack the self esteem to do that, you run back to linux, install the latest build of gentoo, and keep repeating to yourself "at least i can compile my kernel. at least i can compile my kernel"

If you're looking for a job, all this hits you even harder, because you realize a lot of the jobs require talking to people in one way or another. Even many of the linux related jobs recommend real interaction! At this point, you rationalize "well the only thing I know is linux, so I must be a linux expert!" as if knowing only one thing makes you an automatic expert, or that learning windows forces you to forget linux entirely.

Lolistory

When I was sixteen, I raped my next door neighbor kid. She was a lot younger than me, ten or eleven probably. Cude kid. Skinny as anything, long brown hair, always bouncing around. When we were both younger, we'd play ghost in the graveyard, capture the flag, and hide and seek with the other neighborhood kids. In our version of the games, if you got put in jail, you got tied up with some old clothesline and "tortured" (tickled, lol)--we had enough people that it worked out, plus it was fun tying people up. At least that was the part me and my sister liked. But I found out that Jessi (the neighbor girl) liked being tied up. Whatever, it was a game, she was a kid, and no one thought much of it.

Fast forward five years. I'm in high school, my sister is in eight grade, and our neighbor Jessi is in fifth grade. Sis and Jess went to the same school.

Jess came home with sis (her name is Elizabeth, but I don't want this to get confusing) one day after school. Sis had promised her she'd let her go swimming in our pool. I guess they went swimming, because later I found Jessi, soaking wet in her swimsuit, in myh room. "Sorry!" she said. "Lizzie said your goggles were in here, and the water was hurting my eyes."

Fuck, she was cute. Dripping wet, pink suit clinging to her, cute little ass, tiny barely-there tits...GOD. I got hard just looking at her stand there.

"Uh...yeah. My goggles are actually over here..." I went out to the hallway and hunted them out of the hall closet. My eyes hit on mom's clothesline, though, and my mind went downthe gutter fast.

"Uh, Jessi. Do you want to play a game?"

she bit her lip, cutest thing ever. Her swimsuit strap was starting to slip down off her shoulder, and I started to pray that she wouldn't notice. "like what kind of game?"

"Like...hide and seek," I said.

She grinned. "Okay, like with everyone How come you don't play with us anymore?" I guess the neighborhood games were still going on and she still joined in... interesting.

"I was actually thinking, like...just youand me."

"Okay, sure." She grinned at me and gave me a wet, drippy hug. I felt her cold, wet stomach press against my hard cock and nearly came right then.

"I'll count, okay? And if I find you..."

"You tie me up?" She giggled.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. My shorts were tenting out like the fucking circus. "Yeah. Tie you up," I said.

"Okay!" I found her and covered her eyes with a bandana. She laughed and let me guide her to my room. I laid her down on the bed andcarefully began tying her up--I started by just wrapping her up, mummy-style, but changed my mind partway though. Instead, I cut two pices of clotheline off, snaked them under the bed, and tied each end up one of her limbs--effectively tying her down to the mattress, spread eagle. this would have been way easier with a 4 post bed, but I had a twin, and it wroked okay for an eleven year old.

"Are you ready?" I asked her. "For what?" she giggled.

"For the TORTURE!" I yelled, and started tickling her. God, she squirmed. I sat on her chest and tickled her on and on as she bucked and squealed below me. I stopped every couple minutes to let her catch her breath.

God, it was hot. I tracde her face with my finger and dipped my finger into yher mouth. she started suckling on it, which was suddenly the hottest thing i could imagine anyone ever doing--this tied down, swimsuit-wearing little girl, sucking hungrily on my finger.I ran my other hand down her body, lightly tickling her through the still-damp swimsuit. She murmured around my finger and sucked harder. I ran my finger quickly, lightly, across her crotch, and she bit down on my finger, arching her back, then went back to sucking.

I smiled. "nice girl," I teased quietly, running my hand across her tiny breasts, still flicking and stroking, a weak attempt at masking what I was doing by still pretending to "tickle" her. Whether she believed it or realised what was actually on my mind didn't really matter.

I lightly traced circles around her breasts, circling closer and closer to her tiny erect nipples, and she began to squirm again, this time straining to meet my touch instead of desperately pulling away.

I kept circling her nipples, moving closer....closer....closer...and then I stopped, hovering just above them.

She strained even more, pushing upwards, trying to feel my fingers on her nipples, the one placed I had avoided touching her. but she was stll blinfolded and couldn't tell that she'd never quiet arch her back *that* far.

Damn, a horny ten year old girl. Who would have imagined?

I pulled my finger from her mouth, anf used both of my hands to caregully, firmly push her back down to the bed. she whimpered.

"is something wrong jessi? do you want me to untie you?"

"No!" her body tensed, then relaxed completely. "why did you stop," she whined a little. I forced surprise into my voice. "Did you like that?"

"...ye...yeah," she said shakily. "Please...don't stop?

"I don't know," I said, drawing it out. "I don't know if it's really okay for me to touch you..."

"but we played this all the time when we were kids!"

"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," I returned my finger briefly to her mouth. "What do you want?"

She squirmed. "I want you to do what you were doing."

"What was that?"

"You were...you know!" She was so cute when she was flustered.

"I don't know," I said evenly.

"Tickling my...my...boobs."

"You want me to do exactly what I was doing? 'Tickling your boobs?' Just that?"

"N...no..."

"What else, jessi?"

"Keep going?"

I shook my head, though she couldn't see it. I didn't want to push my luck, so I said okay. I snaked my finger back to her mouth and began circling her nipples again. This time she started squirming even faster than before.

Before long, she was breathing hard, and mumbled something around my finger.

I pulled it out again. "What's that?"

"please touch me." she repeated.

"I am touching you, jess."

"There," she said. "You know."

"hm?" I circled dnagerously close to her right nipple, which I still hadn't touched.

"there!" Please."

"Ask me nicely."

She squirmed underneath me. "Please...will you...touch... my....my....nipples."

I smiled. Finally!

Without warning, I pinched both nipples as hard as I could. Jessi screamed and nearly threw herself clear of the bed I began rubbing her nipples frantically with both hands, while she tried in vain to suppress moans of ecstacy. As I rubbed, I inched my face closer and closer to her burnng pussy. I could feel the heat thru the swimsuit, and at that moment I lost what litte control I had.

I'll shoe you something even better! I told her, and pulled her swimsuit to te side, exposing her young vagina. Before she could say anything, I got to licking. Man, it tasted sweet! A 10 year old!

She was moaning loudly now, so loud I was afraid we'd get caught. But I didn't care, I was lost in the ecstacy of it all. Everything was quiet for a minute and for a second I had a crazy thought that I had killed her. But she moved, just barely, beneath me. I ripped the blindfold off her.

"okay, jess?"

"uh..yeah," she whispered. Then, weakly, "...ow."

I smiled. "Did that feel good?"

"Ye...yeah. Yeah, it...it did. Really good."

I petted her for a litle while, and after a couple minutes, the usual spark was back in her eyes. "Wow," she said. "Wow."

I laughed. "I think I'd better untie you now," I said slowly.

"No," she said quickly. "I mean, no... I'm okay. We can keep playing...if you want."

I looked at her, surprised, and incredibly turned on. Fuck, if my ex-girlfriends had been anywhere as hot as this little minx...

"Sure, jess." I said. "What do you want to play?" She shrugged, a cute gesture with her hands tied spread out. "I don't know!" she said. What do you want to play?"

"Hm... How about this: I ask you questions."

She looked at me funny, a cute, confused expression on her face. (Let's face it, everything she does is cute.) "How's that a game?"

I smiled. "It's a pretend torture game, okay? I'll ask you questions...and I'll torture you until you answer."

A flicker of doubt crossed her face. "You won't...really hurt me, will you?"

"Nah, Jess. I promise that you'll love this game as much as me."

She smiled uncertainly. "Okay. Do...do you want to blindfold me again?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Sure, jess, if that's what you want."

"I...I kinda like it, I guess. It's cool not knowing what you're going to do next, and it feels good.'

"Okay, jess. On with the blindfold." I carefully tied it back around her head, and she leaned back on my pillow.

"Let's see....first question. Hm. Something...embarrassing." She squirmed a little, playfully. "Okay, I've got it. Jess, when was the last time you wet the bed?"

"What?!" she squealed. I'm not gonna tell you that! "Yes, you are," I told her, and began to tickle her. She began to squirm and scream, laughing and gasping for breath. Every minute of so I would stop and prompt her to answer me...no dice.

"You're a stubborn one... I'll have to resort to other measures." I began tickling her again, harder--it might have been almost painful for her, to be honest, but of course she was laughing so hard it was impossible to tell. This time, I didn't stop, and I just kept going until I was worried she was going to pass out....but I didn't stop.

Finally, she managed to choke out "I'll tell you!" I immediately stopped tickling her, and let her rest. her small body still shook a bit, even after I stopped tickling her, and she spent a long time breathing hard, catching her breath back.

After a moment, I was done waitng. "Alright jess, break time's over. Answer the question...unless you want me to do that again?"

"No!" she shrieked. "I said I'd tell you. I... I was eight."

"Really?" I said in mock dismay. "That old? What a messy girl!"

Even under her blindfold, I could tell she was blushing furiously.

"Okay...next question... Let's see." My mind raced through the things that might embarrass a ten year old girl. Having never been one myself, I was havng trouble.

"Uh...how about this? What was the worst grade you got in school this year?"

"Do I...have... to tell you?"

"Yes."

"It was--"

"--you don't have to tell me right away!" I burst out.

She giggled. "I get it. Okay! Wait, I mean... 'I'll never tell you! Not in a million years!'"

"I guess I'll have to torture it out of you!" I said, using the same mock-boastful voice that she had just spoken with. She giggled again. Damn, the kid was adorable.

I gently pulled the blindfold off of her. This time, i wanted to see her face. She tilted her head and looked at me in surprise when she realised the bandana was off, but she didn't say anything.

I covered her mouth, and pinched her nose shut, and watched her eyes go WIDE. She immediately began thrashing underneath me. I silently counted to ten, and released her.

She sucked in a deep breath and glared at me. "You'll have to do better than that!" she boasted.

"I was counting on it," I smiled, and blocked her air again, this time holding for a count of fifteen. The expression on her face as she twisted under me was amazing--a mix of terror, anticipation, and rage--and once again, extreme relief when I let her go before she *really* needed a breath.

"Will you answer my question now?"

She smiled and said.

"--ok... please, no more"

"That was kinda quick of you, you know"

She giggled. Oh God she looked so cute...

"Yes. I'll try better with your next question."

"Very well then, do you like it when I'm doing THIS?"

I instantly started sucking on her nipples.

"--ahhh, no!! you can't!"

"Answer my question, do you like it?"

I started sucking harder, kissing her nipples from time to time.

"--yeess!! but you can't do this!"

Damn, the kid was adorable.

When I finally let go, she really gasped for breath. When she recomposed herself, her face went back to it's normally cute state.

"Okay, okay! My lowest grade this year was a 70!" she spurted out.

I didn't really know how to tease her or not, and there was this kind of awkward silence. She bit her bottom lip again, which was wet and pink. Might have been wet from the pool, but she also seemed to be licking her lips alot.

I decided to just try to impress her by complimenting her. "That's a good mark!" I said.

I felt pretty dorky after that, and it got a bit more awkward. Amazingly, she groaned and arched her back again. The awkwardness was lifting fast, as my PENIS started to take over my brain again.

"Aren't you going to ask me another one?" she asked me.

My dick was throbbing by now, and I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I pushed her gently back onto the bed with my palms. She stopped squirming, and my fingers ran up to her top.

I rolled up her top, so her nipples were revealed. They were so hard, and pink. I started to suck on them, when she started to seem uncomfortable.

"mmmmffff...." she moaned, as my hand darted for her panties.

I yanked them down past her knees, and she started to do a sort of pushup, trying to get me off I guess. She was bound pretty well, though, and she couldn't move.

I pulled my pants and boxers off in the blink of an eye, and started to stroke her vagina. She started to protest when she saw my PENIS, but I put my hand over her mouth again. I could feel her tongue breach against my sweaty palm, as I continued to play with her.

I positioned myself ontop of her, then, with my hand still on her mouth. I kneeled over her, and slid my PENIS into her finally. Even though she was protesting, she was really fucking wet. God, was she wet. Her pussy juice flowed all over my dick, and I nearly came right there.

She bit my palm, and started to scream under it. My room door was closed, though, and I was sure no one could hear her. I started to thrust hard into her, and this seemed to cause her pain. She obviously wasn't developed enough to handle my penis.

After a few minutes of me fucking her, I came inside of her. I pulled out, and there was a little bit of blood on my dick. I guess this was her first time. She was crying by now, and I finally released my palm from her mouth.

She just laid there, shuddering. Snot ran down her nose and mixed with her tears. I unbound her and rubbed her belly for a few seconds, before I felt this really guilty feeling. I rolled her panties back up, threw her towel on her, and walked out of the room.

marshviperX

You talk so much about programming, but you cant talk about hacking because you cant actually do anything. I run a hacked network of computers that I programmed to click on googles ads in my secret website. I even write my own viruses to make people get hacked into my network. I work at home and have a bunch of screens showing me what people on my network are doing on their screens. I can even set it so that i can see the code of their computers. can you guys do any of that? I dont think so. I bet you dont know where all the websites real hackers hang out are either? if you name them, I just might tell them that marshviperX sent you.

Most erotic story ever

Once upon a time, when the general rules of human physiology and logic were too drunk to do their jobs, a girl named Mandy woke up in her bed. Mandy was a beautiful girl who had beautiful hair and beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile that was very beautiful. She was also very small for her age, which people thought was cute even though her small size was probably caused by some horrific, incurable disease. She was also a girl, which meant she had BIG HONKING BOOBS and a VAGINA!!!!1 Every day when she woke up she would put on a top hat and dance and dance and dance, because she was named Mandy and that's what Mandies do. Today was different, though because she realized that sometime during the night before, SHE'D WET THE BED!

"OH NO! I HAVE WET THE BED!" Screamed Mandy. Suddenly, the door exploded and Mandy's mommy walked in with a rocket launcher.

"AH HA! My parental radar was correct! You've been a bad, naughty, SEXY little girl, Mandy! Now, bend over so I can SPANK YOU!" She said. She then took Mandy by the wrist and spanked her hard on the ass.

"If you decide to act like a baby, you'll BE A BABY! You're going to wear DIAPERS little Ms. PeePee McPeePee!"

"OH NO!" Mandy exclaimed. She cried because diapers were embarrassing and bad for the environment. Mandy's Mommy then put her into her diapers and rubbed babypowder into her VAGINA, a process described in plodding, unreasonably precise detail.

"Now that you are wearing diapers, it's time for your BA BA!" Mandy's mommy then took a bottle and aimed the nipple for her daughter's mouth, but somehow missed and shoved it up her ass.

"Why are you doing this?" Mandy cried, tears welling in her eyes. "Because I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!" Screamed Mandy's Mommy maniacally. A knock then echoed from the door, and LO! There was Cindy, one of Mandy's classmates who was also a girl with BIG HONKING BOOBS (Vagina status unknown)!!!1

"Oh, what a surprise! It is Cindy! Mandy's babysitter!" Mandy then gasped, because this was a shocking plot development. "But how could you have hired a baby sitter if you'd only started babying me just this morning?" Mandy queried.

"Oh, that's simple! I just AAAAAAAAAAUGH!" That was the last thing Mandy's Mommy said, because she was thereafter carried out through the window by millions of baby Pterodactyls.

"Hello Mandy, I'm your babysitter!" Cindy said. "Hi, I'm Mandy." There was an awkward silence, and then a loud "BOOM" as Mandy's diaper exploded with shit.

"Looks like someone needs a diaper change!" Cindy, giggled. Mandy giggled too, and then they both had sex. While they were there on the Kitchen table, naked, nude, and otherwise unclothed, Mandy said "You know what? I think I like diapers and being a baby. From now on, I think I'll wear them forever and ever and ev- WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

And then the world exploded. The End.

My autistic girlfriend

Sup /b/

so there's this rather tasty girl at my college, sadly she has autism, she's not really high on the spectrum, she's just a bit odd and slow maybe.

but yeh she really likes me because I quite often help her with course work.

so anyway we had a rather late valentines day do last week (hall was closed so we had to find and book a venue) and she turned up looking really smart, but you could easily see her curves, she looked absolutely stunning.

well she came and spoke to me and i got her a few drinks, she was really funny actually, by the time I'd had a few i couldn't even remember or notice she had autism.

well it got to like 1am and we left, rather drunk, and she asked to stay at mine, I thought It wouldn't do any harm I wouldn't do anything.so we got a taxi to mine.

we got in, took our jackets and shoes off, and collapsed on the couch, we were lying right next to each other, she spun round and rested her hand on my chest, and started stroking it.

I didn't know what to do! 5 seconds later I decided to go for it.

I ran my hands down her side, across her stomach and down her panties. It was wet and felt amazing. she was so tight I even had to start with my pinky.

I slowly stroked her clit then pushed my finger deep inside (inside) What kind of Pokemon are you? Are you loyal through and through? Do you have a heart that's true? What kind of Pokemon are you?

Take your NORMAL type like Jigglypuff Against the GHOSTLY Gengar the battle's real tough Thunderbolt's a great ELECTRIC attack 'Til you get GROUND down by a Marowak

My daughter

Let me start out by agreeing with you: I’m sick. This is a true story of how I raised my daughter. It will disgust 99% of the people who read it, but I’m writing it for the one percent who will enjoy it. I suggest to you that if you will be disgusted by reading about man-child incest, you should steer away from this account. You’ve been warmed...flames ignored.

My daughter likes cum. She should, she was raised on it. I taught her how to suck cock when she was four, and she’s 11 now. At one point last year, I estimated that my daughter had drank over 2.0 gallons of sperm in the last seven years. About half of that was mine. You think I’m lying, but I don’t care if you do. This is truly how it happened. It’s not some stupid Internet flame-bait or sissy boy fantasy, it’s the real thing. While most of the people on the internet beat off to the idea of doing a little girl, I have the guts to actually do it.

See, I’ve always had two fetishes: Little girls and semen. Ever since I first ejaculated, I’ve been somewhat turned on by cum. I masturbated often as a teenager; two or three times a day, so sperm and I were very familiar with each other. Mainly, I just liked, and still like, to watch a woman drink cum. Everyone I’ve ever had sex with more than twice has eaten my cum (or I never saw her again). My first wife was a real good sport and would do about any spermy thing I suggested. She ditched me three years after we were married for some Hollywood producer type, leaving me with a three year old girl.

When I was 12 or 13 I molested a couple of neighborhood 6 year olds. They acted as if they had a good time getting their pussies felt up in that old garage (and they even appeared to enjoy jacking off my cock). So naturally I often wished I could live through it again. Well, when my daughter Marika was four, a year after my wife left, I realized that having my own daughter was the chance I’d been waiting for, as sick as that sounds to most people.

I thought it over for a couple of months. I analyzed the consequences. And the benefits! I came up with an action plan to turn my daughter into the sperm-loving sex machine I’d always wanted. I decided to start by teaching her what big girls do, play with themselves. She loved it when I would rub her little clit with my little finger all lubed up with KY, although she didn’t orgasm until she was 9. I encouraged her to masturbate often—I’d even ask her if she’d masturbated that day when I’d put her to bed. Often I would watch her sitting with her hand in her panties when we watched t.v. She told me she even did it at school sometimes under her desk while no one was looking, which I then encouraged because hearing about it really turned me on.

My next step was to introduce her to the world of vibrators. On her fifth birthday, I brought out the smallest vibrator they had at my local sex shop. I spent several nights teaching her how to use it, but I never gave it to her. I said it was something we were going to share and that she couldn’t have it until she really knew how to use it. So, since she loved it, she came asking for it...just like I’d planned. Only by this point, she had to earn the vibrator.

Right after we started with the vibrator, I showed her how to rub my cock. She started with KY on her tiny hands, sliding them up and down on the cockshaft. After I came, we would play with the cum and gradually smear it all around on my chest. This was to show her that cum was fun, and that I wasn’t grossed out about it (like most guys are). We talked about how everyone has fun with cum. By the third time we did that, she was just as excited about how much and when I came as I was.

So, I decided the next step was for me to cum on her tummy so we could smear it around on her skin. By then, we were messing around every night when I put her to bed. About the fifth time I’d cum on her hands, I shot again on her chest. Only this time I bent down and made a big show of lapping up my own cum from her skin. I’m not that crazy about the taste myself, but I’m willing to do it if it will help convince a female to do it for me. (And sometimes I love to suck my cum from the pussy I fucked, as a show of appreciation they don’t soon forget.) I acted like I’d never tasted it before. After I was done licking it all up, she asked what it tasted like and I told her that it wasn’t bad, but not good. But I also said that most girls say they grow to love it.

The next time, I didn’t suggest she try it. I was hoping she’d just do it, and she did. I shot on her chest, she rubbed her fingers in the cum, then brought one up and licked it. I about came again! It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen…my baby girl tasting her father’s cum for the first time. I wish I had a video of that time!

She screwed up her face and said, "yuck."

"You’ll get used to it sweetheart," I said.

I rewarded her with another orgasm at the hands of Mr. Vibrator. The very next night, I went down on her for the first time. She loved it, but it sort of tickled her more than made her sexually stimulated.

"Now it’s your turn," I said.

I suggested she treat my cock like a lollipop and lick it up and down, which she did for several minutes. I also had her cup her little hand around my balls and squeeze them gently, but she often forgot to do this and I would have to hold her hand in mine and lead her.

Finally, I had her put as much of the head into her mouth as would fit. And then I taught her to jack off the big cock sticking out of her face, while I verbally coached her to suck hard. I kept my hand around my cock over both of hers so that I was insured of the correct pressure, and in about a minute, I came hard. She didn’t expect such an explosion I guess and pulled her mouth off the head. I shot another right onto her lips and nose, yelling, "put it back in your mouth! Open your mouth!" So she opened and I had put put the tip inside when I shot again. "Swallow it," I yelled.

She obediently swallowed just as I shot another hot squirt. She appeared to get that one down also, but the fifth or so was too much, so I pulled out and and dribbled the rest down her nose and cheeks and lips. Cum from my fifth squirt dripped out her lips. I had completely covered my little girl in hot sperm! Fucking amazing!

"Oh, you were so good," I said to her. "You made Daddy shoot so hard. Oooh, you look so pretty with cum on your face. Go look in the mirror!"

She got up and ran to the mirror on the bedroom wall and looked at herself draped in white. I walked over to her and began to rub the cum around on her cheeks and nose and lips. She smiled at me in the mirror and I knew I was going to get to do this again, maybe many more times.

And many more times I did. I got really busy for awhile with working and only got the chance to "practice" with Marika a couple of times a week. But I had her into being a cocksucking pro within a couple of months. And best of all, she said she really liked to do it. Imagine! A five-year-old who loves to suck cock and eat cum! Yes, that was my Marika.

I never forced her, and she would often initiate our sex play. I would lick her pussy for hours, even stick my little finger in her while I did. Or I’d do gooey vibro rubs with a KY- covered vibrator. She loved it, and she wanted to do it almost everytime she went to bed. So, I started having her sleep in my bed so that after I’d blown a hot load down her throat, we could both cuddle and go to sleep. And that’s the way it went for a long time.

As fetishes do, I started to get deeper into it with Marika. I came on her face, or on her pussy and watched her rub it in. I came on a saucer and watched her suck the cum up with a straw, and I came on a spoon and spoonfed her cum when she was six.

Also when she was six, I started showing her porno films and magazines. I picked the raunchiest, cummiest ones, too. I wanted her to see women drowning in cum and loving it, so I picked the gang bang videos and mags. Of course, I had to explain all about sex then, and she was very curious. But there was no way I was trying vaginal penetration of any kind with a six-year-old, so I told her she would have to be older for that. At least 8, for Chrissakes!

You see, it was never enough! I became sexually obsessed with watching Marika drink cum. My cum just wasn’t enough. Ever…I always wanted more cum for my baby. And she did too. Sometimes we’d even save up 10 or 12 cums in a jar in the freezer, then thaw it and I’d feed it to her, helping myself to some as well.

I decided to add some fun to our little love nest when she was 7 by getting a German Shepherd. I’ve always felt that they have the best sized cocks for sucking, and I was hoping to get Marika into the idea of drinking doggie cum. As soon as the dog moved in, I taught her to jack him off. I had her lie down on the floor with her head against the couch in the t.v. room, which had a rug that could be pushed back so fluids couldn’t ruin it. The dog then stood over her and I had her massage his cock out of its sheath and then showed her what I’d seen in a bestiality video to jack him off. He and she both loved it. Since she was clothed, this time, I had her move the cock away from her body so she wouldn’t get coated, and he started dripping precum right away. After about four minutes, he squirted a ton of cum on the floor, which delighted Marika to watch. I was hoping she’d try to taste it then, but I didn’t suggest it and she didn’t do it.

I told her how dogs needed to have their balls drained almost every day, just like Daddy did, and if she wanted to keep a pet, she would have to take care of him. She seemed to understand, and thus began a long relationship between Marika and doggie cock that still goes on today. Meanwhile, I could count on a blowjob every night, but it would always cost me a cuntlapping or a vibrating. Sometimes, particularly on the weekends, we would do it once in the afternoon also, and it was on one of these times, down on the living room floor, that I decided to show her how to suck the dog’s cock. I didn’t really know how, never having did it, but I tried it anyway. Basically, I just put my head against the couch and let the dog hump my mouth, keeping my hand around the shaft to keep it from going to far in. It worked and he came in no time. I made a big show of letting the cum ooze out of my mouth as he shot. It tasted better than my cum, and I told her that. It was also obvious that the dog would cum much more than me.

"Next time, you can do it while I lick your peepee," I told her.

"Okay," Marika said excitedly.

Marika took to sucking the dog regularly. I showed her other ways to suck him, and also had her jack his cum off onto her where we would rub it around on her. That often turned me on that I had to shoot in her mouth also, so many was the night when my baby drank what amounted to as a small glass of cum before bedtime. I always encouraged her to drink as much of the sperm as she could, telling her it was good for her, and there was always too much for her.

Of course, meanwhile, I also encouraged her to masturbate often, and she would have her hand in her panties much of the time she was home. When we’d take camping vacations together, she would masturbate in the car or let me masturbate her as we drove. It was hot! Our vacations always involved lots of oral sex.

I started to penetrate her little pussy with the vibrator before her seventh birthday, getting it in almost an inch. I told her she needed to start working it inside her more and more each day if she wanted to experience my dick in there, and we talked about her hymen and how she had to break it eventually and how it would hurt but would heal fast. She really did start to work at it during her masturbation sessions. I showed her how to use the vibrator inside with her left hand while her right fingers worked her clit for the ultimate experience. Or, I would use it in her while sucking her clit. It was great fun. But the vibrator was so short, there was little chance of breaking her hymen.

For her eighth birthday, I gave her a much larger vibrator; about the size of a 14-year-old boy’s cock, I’d say. It was about four and a half inches long and maybe an inch in diameter, if that. I knew she understood why I gave her that, but I didn’t say anything more about breaking her cherry. I just hoped she would take care of that for us.

Also about that time, I really wanted to see her suck another man and drink his cum. Sure the dog was great, and I even volunteered to watch a neighbor’s dog when they went away and had Marika suck him too. And sure we continued to have a great amount of cum play with my cock, but like all addictions, I just wanted more. But I couldn’t think of a way to hook up with other men who would enjoy a blowjob by an eight-year-old. If I’d had the Internet three years ago, then I wouldn’t have had any problem, but I wasn’t able to fulfill that fantasy until this last summer.

About midway between her eighth and ninth birthdays, Marika showed me one night that she could get the larger vibrator almost all the way in! Her hymen had broken. I was so excited, but I decided to wait until her ninth birthday to penetrate her with my cock. So, I contented ourselves with fucking her with the vibrator every chance I could. I liked to start off some nights by having her jerk my cock onto her pussy, then I’d fuck some cum inside her with the vibrator and rub her clit with the cum as lube. More than once, I had her jerk off the dog on her pussy instead and that was really a turn-on for both of us. More times than not, I came in her mouth, but I’d also cum in the crack of her ass, on her chest, neck or face, and even in her hair. When I came on her front side, I would often scoop up the cum on my fingers and feed it to her bit by bit until it was all cleaned. Or sometimes we’d just rub it around on her and let her fall asleep with congealing cum still sticking to her pretty little body. It was so hot! And she treated it as just good fun! My plan had worked...I had made my own cum-loving little nymphette!

For her ninth birthday, we made a big deal out of it. We got a room at the beach and that night, I got my dick in the tightest pussy you could imagine. And Marika had her first real orgasm. After that, she wanted to do it all the time, and she’d tire me out. Twice a day wasn’t enough…she wanted to cum all the time. I wanted her to be able to take the German Shepherd’s prick, but I was worried his knot might hurt her, so I didn’t suggest it. But we did involve the dog in our sex, particularly with Marika sucking the dog while I did her doggy style.

Under my tutelage and protection we did finally get her able to take the dog. I showed her how to lie on her back under the dog with her ass on a pillow so she could put her hands on the dogs hind legs and push against him he tried to get the knot in. He’s learned not to even try now. Marika does the dog a couple of times a week now, usually after school before I’ve got home. We also involve the dog in some three way action, with her pussy getting fucked by the dog or me while she sucks the other. She also sucks or jacks off the dog whenever he expresses interest…she understands the responsibility of pet ownership.

So now Marika is 11 and sex crazy. I try to keep her satisfied, but the dog has to make up for me when I just can’t do it as much as she needs. But, to me, the important thing is my plan worked: I have a little cumslut like I always wanted. Like with all my sex partners, I only come inside Marika about 20% of the time, preferring instead to shoot in her mouth or on her body. But almost every time I do cum in her, I stick my fingers in her pussy afterward, scoop up some cum, and feed it to her. Or she’ll squat over my stomach and after the cum drips out, lick it up. Or I even have her squat over my hand, then give her a palmful. Always, I have her clean my cock with her mouth. She is such a good sport compared to some other women I’d been with, it is refreshing!

Well, that’s the story. My future plans include sharing her with another guy if I can find one, and maybe with more than one dog at once.

My girlfriend is cute and smart

My girlfriend is cute and smart and she's an anime faggot like me The other night she and I were cuddling in bed and she started humping me and whispering "oniichan oniichan" and that turned me the fuck on so I called her "oneechan" and then she stopped and looked at me and I said "what is it" to which she replied "I always wanted a twin brother so we could fuck all the time" (she's an only child and all I have is a younger brother) so all night long we were humping and calling each other oniichan and oneechan and I came in my underwear and we were pretending we were brother and sister trying to sexually please each other without having sex and it was fucking hot

My Mac sucks

I don't want to start a holy war here, but what is the deal with you Mac fanatics? I've been sitting here at my freelance gig in front of a Mac (a 8600/300 w/64 Megs of RAM) for about 20 minutes now while it attempts to copy a 17 Meg file from one folder on the hard drive to another folder. 20 minutes. At home, on my Pentium Pro 200 running NT 4, which by all standards should be a lot slower than this Mac, the same operation would take about 2 minutes. If that.

In addition, during this file transfer, Netscape will not work. And everything else has ground to a halt. Even BBEdit Lite is straining to keep up as I type this.

I won't bore you with the laundry list of other problems that I've encountered while working on various Macs, but suffice it to say there have been many, not the least of which is I've never seen a Mac that has run faster than its Wintel counterpart, despite the Macs' faster chip architecture. My 486/66 with 8 megs of ram runs faster than this 300 mhz machine at times. From a productivity standpoint, I don't get how people can claim that the Macintosh is a superior machine.

Mac addicts, flame me if you'd like, but I'd rather hear some intelligent reasons why anyone would choose to use a Mac over other faster, cheaper, more stable systems.

North vs. South

The North and South have been at each other's throats for well over a century. Personally, I don't see why both sides still continue to bicker. The North and the South each have plenty to offer the world. Yes, they both have their drawbacks, but nowhere is perfect. I think that each side should realize the other's importance and stop wasting energy putting one another down. Anyway, that's my humble opinion, but what do you think /b/? Who is better?

THE NORTH

Pros: -Great nightlife -Great cultural mix of foods -Money -Great weed -Most people are open to alternative ways of living (veganism, Eastern religions, same-sex marriage, etc.) -Great movies and television shows are produced here (30 Rock, SNL, Scorsese films, etc.) -People have an appreciation for "the finer things". -Great fashion -Great industry -etc, etc,

Cons: -Faggots -Hippies -Skinheads -People are generally rude in passing -etc, etc,

THE SOUTH

Pros: -Great hunting and fishing -Great traditional food -Guns -Great booze (Tennessee whiskey, bourbon, SoCo, etc.) -Very hospitable atmosphere -Great music (blues, rock n' roll, etc.) -Great cultural events (Mardi Gras, bonnaroo, etc.) -Great literature (Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote, Mark Twain, William Faulkner, etc.) -Great scenery and pristine beaches -etc, etc,

Cons: -Niggers -Right wing nutjobs -Ku Klux Klan -People are generally ignorant to alternative ways of living. -etc, etc,

Obama vs. McCain

I'm sick of you faggots talking about how the Obamessiah is the only one who can save us from Emperor Bush. I realized this is a gay forum and we are therefore all about gay rights, but It's time to talk about the issues, the only REAL issue that /b/ cares about or ever discusses at length.

Obama was born on August 4th 1961 in Honolulu, during the authority of Surgeon General Luther Terry, who advised that all males be circumcised. This being a birth picked up by the state as Anne Stanley was only accepting tuition money from her millionaire parents, that means the child would automatically be Circumcised unless the parents objected. Barack Senior being a Muslim who was himself circumcised and was still practicing at the time he would have had the procedure done even if the hospital had not. That's right. Barack Obama is a half-dick Cutfag.

There's more. John McCain born August 29, 1936 under surgeon General Thomas Parran who predates the recommendations to circumcise children in America. What's more he was born in the Panama Canal zone. Panama not practicing circumcision, and being in a military hospital they would abide by the surgeon general's recommendation who had not yet addressed this. Anything done would be at parent's request, his parents were both of UK descent and would not practice circumcision either. That's why Cindy McCain drinks wine before a blowjob, cause it goes great with Cheese and that's just what she's gonna taste.

Would you REALLY vote for a cutfag?

OMG

NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T COOK THEIR OWN RICE RICE COOKERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY. - OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T POP THEIR OWN POPCORN POPCORN POPPERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY. - OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T BOIL THEIR OWN PASTA PASTA COOKERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY. - OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T SEPARATE THEIR OWN EGGS EGG SEPARATORS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY. - OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T MILL THEIR OWN GRAIN GRAIN MILLERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY. - OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T PULL THEIR OWN NOODLES PASTA ROLLERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY.

OS war

illy: Hey dad, whats an operating system supposed to do?

Dad: Well Billy, an operating system is supposed to provide an environment where many different kinds of software can run well.

Billy: But Linux, OSX, and Vista do that well! How do I decide?

Dad: Well Billy, you have to now assess what kind of software you're going to be using. Which OS looks the most appropriate now?

Billy: Well, OSX is good for graphic design, but nearly all of its programs also run on Vista or have comparable software also for Vista. Linux has a lot of great software, but just can't really compete really with the huge libraries of software for Macs and Windows.

But in terms of number of software available, Vista seems to have the most. It also runs new and upcoming games, and also runs classic PC games while XP is left in the dust without DX10.

Dad: There you have it son, Vista, which is an operating system, runs FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!!

SO STOP BITCHING UNTIL THE OTHER OPERATING SYSTEMS CAN COMPETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Period

I know this forum isn’t supposed to be used like a blog but I need some help. I’m fourteen years old and I had a problem in one of my classes. We had to write a paper on how grammar has changed since old English…

Well the paper was do on the Friday before September and he said we’d get them back on Tuesday. so I went to class on Tuesday and he said the papers were wrote really good. So he handed them out and I was pretty nervous because he reads the grades out loud in front of the whole class.

so he is handing them out and everyone is getting good grades and then he calls my name and says “this is the worst paper you have written for me” and then he said a whole bunch of the problems (bad grammar ect.) I made.

then at last he said “and the most annoying problem you made was you forgot the period on the starts of some of your sentences” and he yelled “YOU ALWAYS NEED A PERIOD”

and then right there in front of the whole class my period blood started to come out. I was wearing white pant and everyone saw it. It was like someone throwed a really slimy jelly donut on my crotch area. Super embarrassing.

So now I need advice,' I was wearing white after labor day, and everyone saw. What should I do?

Perl

Perl is like being molested by your uncle. There's something off about him, but everyone regards him very highly, so you trust him, and then on a family camping trip out at Montauk Point he takes advantage of you. Years later, you accept and acknowledge what happened, but you still refuse to believe that he's scarred you, because that would put him in control, not you, and the last thing you want is a molester in control of your life -- but your denial doesn't make it the truth. You want to believe that deep down inside, Perl is a good person, and you see that Perl has very redeeming qualities, but you sit down to try and program Perl and all you can think of is that camel's hard, throbbing cock.

Puerto Rico

A few years back, when I was living in Puerto Rico, I had to take care of my uncle's dog for a while. He was a big Golden Retriever and his name was Sasu. After about 3 days, I was extremely turned on and without a boyfriend, so this dog in my pussy seemed like a pretty good idea. One day, I decided to go for a walk and take the dog with me. I was conveniently wearing a skirt and once we reached a pretty secluded street, I pulled up my skirt and got on all fours. At first the dog just sniffed my butt around but once he got the idea, he got on top of me and started humping my butt through my panties. He kept banging against my clit and my juices were flowing to pretty much everywhere. I didn't let him inside me yet because I was too afraid. I mean, think about it. That's pretty fucking gross. But anyways. Whenever I got back home, I sat on the front porch. My uncle had come back and was ready to pick up the dog but he was inside talking to my sister. My uncle told me to stay outside with Sasu for a while, so I did. While we were out there, I was sitting on a bench with my legs spread open and Sasu kept trying to stick his nose in my crotch. Usually, I'd push his face away and close my legs, but I was extremely wet and was dripping everywhere. So I let Sasu lick it up. Since I had never been eaten out before, I really didn't know that what I was doing was sexual in the least, but I realized that it felt really good and was only making me wetter. Even after I came Sasu was still licking it all up and the front of my skirt was soaked in a combination of my pussy juice and Sasu's saliva. Once I had to go back inside, I just twisted my skirt to the side and went to my room to change.

So there you go, /b/. That's my pretty embarrassing and sick story. Also not copypasta, I assure you. Also inb4 TITS OR GTFO, no girls on the internets, pics or it didn't happen, etc. Also, pic unrelated.

Pure origins

What has happened here. I came here since I just got banned from 4chan. For raiding the imageboards themselves. They even enjoyed it. I was banned forever. Appeal failed. My browser never knew the name of other chans before...since now. Now I know pure origins. Now I know that the forbidden fruit of other chans is the best. Now I know /desu/. I know /cake/. I know where my secret fetishes are hidden. I say that the very fruit 4chan is hiding from it's members is a appeal to destroy them. Again. From the inside. Or shall we...? The world will never know...

Rape is not funny

Okay, I am fucking sick and fucking tired of these fucking threads about rape! RAPE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Joke about anything else you want, /b/...

Joke about cp, joke about loli, joke about murder, joke about drugs, but DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT RAPE! Rape DESTROYS a woman, it STRIPS HER OF HUMANITY! It is disgusting, inhumane, regressive and insane. RAPE IS OFF THE FUCKING TABLE, /b/, NOT EVEN YOU FUCKING VIRGIN ASSHOLES CAN BE SUCH FUCKHOLES THAT YOU JOKE ABOUT A WOMAN'S WOMANHOOD BEING VIOLATED!

And no, I am not some lesbian dyke cunt, I am a woman. I was raped. My virginity taken from me, I can never give it to a man I love. I was raped again and again and again and again and again by a random stranger when I was 15, And between you and me something amazing happened...and now I can talk to animals! Its really cool! But totally a secret. And you know what? Life's never been the same.

Retard blowjob

sup faggots,

i know you assholes like offensive shit and good stories and since I was supposed to go out tonight and my friends bailed on me and I'm retarded bored I figure ill tell you the story of the most offensive and "/b"-ish thing I've ever done.

90% of you faggots are gonna ignore this or not believe it but hopefully this piques the interest of a few of you virgins out there because I'm wasting my time to type it out.

Okay so I'm 24 now.. but this whole story all started back when I was 16 and living in New Hampshire. I got in trouble for selling weed at my school.. not a big deal since my high school was like druggie central.. full of like mega stoners and much harder stuff then weed.. but I mean.. I was stupid and I got caught selling on school ground so it was my fault.

I got suspended for 10 days like is the normal crime but because I had gotten in trouble before, they made me join some stupid rehabilitation program after school hours once a week. It was pretty stupid but a few of my friends were in it, so I dealt with it. If I had skipped the sessions it would have just caused more shit and it wasn't worth the trouble so I'd just go every wednesday and smoke a bowl after with a few of my friends from the group.

Anyways.. about halfway through my time in the rehab sessions they gave me the option of doing a once a week mentor volunteer shit with a group of like mentally challenged kids and kids with crazy diseases and stuff. My best friends little brother was like full-blown mentally challenged and was in the group, and he had been volunteering with them for years so I thought it might be actually kinda smart to quit these stupid sessions and instead do a once a week thing with my pal and his little brother.

So I started in with this group of sick and retarded kids and stuff and it was pretty easy and the kids all had good hearts and stuff so it was fun. But after the first week they assigned me to a little girl.. a total lost cause. I was really hoping they'd stick me in the same group as my friend and his brother but instead I was supposed to buddy up with this girl who's last mentor had gone to juvy for some stupid shit (go figure). Anyways this girl was totally sad, she was like 11 years old.. totally sick.. She had this elephant-man like disease, I don't know what it was but her nose smushed over like half her face and she her cheek bones pushed all up over her left eye so you could barely see it. Her face basically looked like it was made from jello and had been hit with a baseball bat and all smushed up on the left side.

Apparently because of her dissability she was blind in one eye and also deaf on her left side. She was super hard to understand when she spoke.. like most deaf people.. mostly because her mouth was all fucked up like the rest of her face. But she had a good heart. She was only 11 but she joked about her disease and was actually pretty cool about it, not totally depressing and awkward like some of the other kids.

So anyways I got to know this girl pretty well.. we didn't do much, just played chess and checkers and stuff. It was only like 2 hours a week for 2 months so after it was over I didn't have any intention of ever seeing her again. But like I said, she was sweet... never set out to hurt anyone or anything.

So anyways... 5 years later... Just after my 21st birthday.. I'm on summer vacation, just finished my 3rd year at UNH, and I'm home and everything. So one night I go out with a couple friends from high school who were all 21 and had all been gone away at different colleges. We all went out to drinking to catch up and stuff.. we had done this like every summer since school started. It was nice to see high school friends, you know the deal if you've been to college.

Anyways, one of the kids there was my friend with the challenged brother, my best friend from high school. He was going to school in Vermont on some scholarship and I barely ever talked to him anymore but I asked him how his brother was. Apparently he was in some cutesy faux-relationship with Daisy... the girl who I had mentored for the two months. I thought it was cute.. I mean they were both ugly and retarded so its not like the relationship meant anything.. but it was cute in the way that its cute when 2 little 3 year olds are dating cause of their parents or whatever.

But apparently my friend had been talking to this girl and she was like.. in love with me. She was only 11 when we met so it was one of those little girl crushes but apparently she would go on and on about how fun I was and now nice I was and how funny I was. Apparently those 2 months really stuck with her. Anyways.. we were all really drunk so my moron friends were like "dude.. you should totally go fuck the retard."

This was not a good idea.

Normally I would have laughed it off, but I was pretty drunk and I was a pretty dumb kid back then (remember just a few years earlier I was dealing pot in high school). So I asked them how much they'd pay me if I got head from the girl with the deformed face. Of the 5 guys there, 3 said they'd pay me, and each offered to throw in 20 bucks. Not a lot of money, but the novelty of the story would be the best prize.

I don't know why I didn't instantly shrug off the idea, because at this point she was like 16 or 17 years old.. and I was 21. Not to mention she was half blind, half deaf, half mute, and basically an elephant man. But I thought it would be like "epic" or something. So I just wanted to dip my feet in the water and see if I could even talk to this girl after all these years.

So I got my friend to take me along on a "playdate" or whatever they called it with his retarded brother and Daisy. Instantly she recognized me as soon as the three of us showed up at her house to pick her up. She didn't give me a hug or anything and was still super awkward and shy.. but her speech had improved and she had a decent set of tits and had definitely grown a lot taller. I spent most of the car ride sitting next to her in the back of my friends car and asking her about school and small talk and stuff. I made up some phony bullshit story about my girlfriend dumping me and not being able to trust women and she obviously fell for it.. she was 16 and retarded.. I didn't really have to try with her.

So we finally get to the park where the two kids were supposed to hang out, but she just wanted to sit on the bench and talk to me.. she completely ignored my friends little brother. My friend was getting kind of pissed, cause he had been there at the bar when I was joking about trying to get head from her. But I just kept waving him off, so he went and took his little brother to go play somewhere else in the park and left me and Daisy alone.

While we were sitting on the bench I kept up with my stupid girlfriend story and was basically just trying to get this 16 year old girl to have some sort of pity (as fake as it was) for me. Looking back it was completely slimy and disgusting.. but I mean.. thats kind of the point of the story. So eventually after a while I brought up what my friend had said about her always talking about me and maybe "having a crush on me" and she got super embarassed and said we should probably go hang out with Jim and Rick (the two brothers). I told her I was sorry about bringing it up and was just kidding and I took her over to play with them.

After that we all went and got Ice Cream and Pizza and shit and it was super boring cause I figured the whole joke was lost anyways and this girl was too embarrassed to even talk to me or whatever. But as we were dropping her off after the restaurant she put her cell phone number in my phone and told me to text her (not call her cause I couldn't understand her over the phone) if I ever wanted to vent about my ex-girlfriend.

As soon as I got home I texted her, basically rolling on the floor laughing as I was doing it, that "hanging out with her today really took some of the hurt away from my failed relationship". Once again like to remind you guys.. shes 16.. im 21.. and shes basically retarded. She texted back like immediately and was like "oh im so glad.. maybe we can hang out again soon." I texted back "you name the date." And her response was "tomorrow".

At this point I was starting to regret my decision because she actually seemed legitimately interested and I realized that she actually might have a crush on me and this might seriously go somewhere. The whole time I had been playing like a joke, not actually expecting anything to happen. But I figured that if I actually went through with it then I would be moving back to college soon anyways and wouldn't see her or anyone else from my old high school ever again and plus I'd have the most epic story to tell all of my friends and shit.. so I decided to make a meeting time to see this girl and I told her I'd pick her up for a movie the next night.

So next day rolls around and I'm actually getting really excited.. I hadn't really pursued anyone for a while and it can be super fun trying to get laid on a first date. This was obviously a different situation but it was much easier and much more difficult in many ways then going after a normal girl. I picked her up, brought her to the theater, bought her ticket, bought her all the food she wanted, and took her into the theater.

Now my local theater in NH has those liftable armrests, I dont know if every theater has those or not, but they are basically for fat people or couples who wanna get super close during movies. Its an easy way to try and make a move on a girl by seeing her reaction to lifting the armrest separator between your two seats. Partway through the movie (after some fake groans and shoulder readjustments on my part during the first 20 or so minutes), I asked Daisy if she'd mind if I lifted up the armrest, as it was bothering me. She didn't, so I did.. and she moved in closer to me. I seriously started to get hard at that point, not cause she was even remotely attractive, just cause I was so excited and knew I was in for an epic night. I didn't hesitate for a second and put my arm around her and she looked up at me and smiled and laid her head on my chest. I literally looked up at the roof and closed my eyes and just mouthed "oh hell yes". I was so fucking excited.

So here is where the shit gets intense (all you guys who thought this story was lame.. this is the good stuff.. I swear). Now this girl is laying there with her head on my chest, my arm around her, watching the movie, and she makes the next move.. I swear to god. She puts her hand right on my thigh, pretty high up too, like right near my cock. Now those following closely would remember that I had got excited before, and was sporting a nice hard on (not ridiculously stiff, but like maybe 70%), and she put her hand right dead on it. I like jumped for a second and then just tried to play it off as if I didn't even notice and kept watching the movie. She just started rubbing it back and forth tenderly.. as if it was like my shoulder or something. I literally couldn't even believe it. This girl was 16 and dating a retarded kid, I had reason to believe she had 0 sexual experience before.. but maybe I was wrong.. I still don't know to this day. Anyways.. shes just sitting there like stroking my cock through my pants and resting her head on my chest, not saying a word.. still watching the movie. As if nothing is going on.

So after like 2 minutes of this im like rock solid hard. Like 110%. She's basically jerking me off at this point.. and I know she knows it too because my cock is like bursting through my pants. I have no idea what to do now because shes basically just rubbing my crotch for the whole movie. I didn't know whether to make a move, ask her to stop.. or whatever. But luckily she once again, made the next movie. She (not even looking mind you, eyes (or should I say eye) still on the movie) starts unbuttoning my pants and just takes out my dick. Luckily we were in a pretty empty theater, and as any guy whos ever gotten any in a theater knows.. as long as theres no one behind you a theater is a pretty discrete place to get lucky. But now my dick is fully out in the air.. and shes just got her hand balled around it like a fucking golf club..

Id like to take a second and prove I'm not copypastaing or just making shit up or whatever and address you guys and say I know 90% of you think this is bullshit and that its "terrible writing op" and that I say "So anyways" too much.. but for all the time you guys spend on /b/ you should know the difference between fake shit and real shit and you should know that fucked up shit like this really does happen. The fact that this girl was fugly as all sin is just even more of an indicator that shes the type of person who would whip out a guy's dick in a movie theater five years her senior. So back to the story..

So anyways (fuck you jerks), I'm sitting there watching a movie with a half blind, half deaf, half retarded smushed face girl holding my dick out in plain sight. Then... after just holding it for a few seconds, she finally takes her concertration of the movie and just basically attacks my dick with her mouth. She opens as wide as she can (which isn't very wide mind you) and just swallows my fucking cock. Now I'm not huge or even really big or anything.. but I'm not like a little pricked asshole like most of you /b/tards.. Im a good over 9000 inches, but this girl basically swalloed my dick whole. She had almost the entire thing in her mouth, as if shes been doing this for years (or maybe she just has no gag reflex or whatever.. I have no clue). But she just goes to town and starts running a train on my junk.

Now for all of you people who have never had a blowjob.. its hard to describe how they feel. The lips usually are super soft and the mouth is wet and it assuming they do it properly it just feels incredible. I usually cum pretty quick from a good blowjob just cause it feels so good.. but this was like no blowjob I've ever recieved. If you remember correctly half of this girls mouth was effectively scar tissue, so while half of my dick was being blown my soft wet lips, the other half was against this hard dry skin.. literally the weirdest most awkward thing Ive ever felt in my life. It didn't hurt but it basically robbed any pleasure out of the equation, especially since the side of her face that was showing was her fucked up side. It looked like harvey dent and the elephant man's love child was giving me head and it felt so god damn weird.

So since I know I'm not gonna be able to cum just from this ugly 16 year old girl sucking my dick I start to like close my eyes and try to picture some fantasies and shit like that hoping that just the motion from her disgusting face will make me cum and just end this whole thing so I could take her home, never talk to her again, and get 60 bucks from my friends. So I'm sitting there picture hot moms and teachers and stuff that I had scene in various web porn and shit when all of a sudden she starts choking. Now remember.. this girl is half deaf, so she does not know when she is being loud.. but she was being FUCKING LOUD. She starts gagging and choking and making the most horrible noises ever. I push her off my cock, but not before the people sitting two rows in front of me stand up and turn around and see me. I shove my dick back in my pants as they just stare at me.. completely appalled, and my 16 year old freak date is like coughing up spit and mucus and shit into her hand.

I was so embarassed at this point and actually kinda freaked out (I didn't know the legality of this, but was pretty sure that being caught with a 16 year old retard going down on you in public wasn't a good idea). So I grabbed her hand (she was still gagging and shit), and ran her down the stairs towards the lobby. Of course... creepy couple from 2 rows ahead of me starts following.

As I'm darting through the lobby, holding this girls hand.. the guy from the couple in front of me grabs my shoulder and turns me around. He tells me that hes a teacher at the school and knows Daisy and wants to know how old I am and why I was with her at the movie theater. I told him I was 18 and Daisy's boyfriend.. of course he didn't believe a word of it and demanded I stay while he went and grabbed theater management.

Daisy just looked and me and kept saying she was sorry and that she didn't want me to get in trouble and that she'd lie for me and stuff. The theater management came over and asked us to go sit in the office for a bit while they talked to the couple from a few rows ahead of us. Of course... this is when things get fucked up again.

As we are sitting alone in the office, Daisy runs up, slams the door.. locks it, and runs over in front of me and starts taking off her shit. Now remember before I said she had developed some decent tits... they were NOT DECENT at all once she had taken off her shit. She had the most fucking ugly nipples I had ever seen (to coincide with her horrible face) and her tits were basically purple with veins and marks and shit... Almost puke inducing.. like that bad. But of course we are sitting in a random movie theater's office... with the door locked.. and this retarded underage girl is stripping in front of me. This was NOT a good situation for me.

I grabbed her shirt off the floor and told her to stop and that the crew was coming back and that wed get into major trouble but she just kept pushing the shirt away and saying "nooo.. noo... I love you.. I love you." At this point I wanted to like kill myself for ever having thought this would be funny or whatever.. because no matter how this ended.. I was completely and totally fucked.

So I'm trying to get her to cover up her horrendous decayed jack-o-lantern tits when theres a knock on the door and the theater guy is like "open up.. open up or we will call the police."

Of course I can't open up with retard girl half naked so I started shouting for him to hold on. At first I figured they would use a key to open the door or whatever but I later found out he had left the keys inside of the office and the other supervisor/manager was on break at the time.. along with the other set of keys. So the theater guy was banging away at the door.. Daisy had managed to her her pants off along with the shirt, so she was wearing nothing but a gross pair of white underwear, boots and socks, and I was standing there basically shitting my pants.

So bascially my plan that I had formed at the moment (maybe not the best, but I was really strapped for time and couldn't think of anything) was to convince Daisy that I would take her home and have sex with her (I know.. disgusting), if she agreed to get on all her clothes and leave the theater with me. Finally I convinced her and, in tears, she started gathering up her clothes. By this time the theater guy had stopped knocking and I was starting to fear that he had actually called the police.

As soon as Daisy was dressed, I grabbed her hand.. told her a quick fib about how we were boyfriend and girlfriend and I was from Vermont visiting an old family friend and that my name was (some fake shit I had made up, I don't even remember). She was crying but agreed and so I opened the door to greet the theater manager (and in all likelihood a police officer) when I saw another friend from highschool waiting at the door. He whispered to me that his manager was calling the cops and that I should bolt and he wouldn't rat on me. I grabbed my shit and ran to the car out of the managment's emergency exit door, before the manager or anyone else could see me.

Of course.. shit just got worse as soon as I got to my car. Apparently even though I thought shit would finally be okay once I got out of the theater.. Daisy had decided she couldn't wait until we got home, and that she would run back inside and tell on me unless I had sex with her right there in the car.

So there we are in the car, with this girl trying to get me to fuck her right there.. and I'm trying to bargain and reason with her because I cant drive off, as shes got the door wide open, ready to bolt and basically get me arrested. I ask her if she'll settle for me kissing her now and all this shit, or if shell let me drive to her another spot.. and shes not going for any of it. Finally I tell her that Ill get in the back seat and make out with her if she lets me drive to the back of the theater (where theres nothing but like a dumpster and some recycle bins). She agrees and I do so.. At this point I'm willing to do anything to just shut this bitch up and get out of this situation. I put up my all my windows (luckily they are tinted), and go sit with her in the back seat. My plan was just to make out with her for a couple minutes, maybe go to second base and shit.. and then drive her home and put an end to this.

However, my plan didn't really come into frutition as this girl was HELL BENT on having sex with me. First she tore off her shirt again, just like she had in the theater office.. and then got bother her pants and her panties off.

By the way.. side note.. this girl had a horrible face, fucked up senses.. disgusting tits.. but her pussy was actually normal. I would never have expected it, but it actually wasnt all fucked up and distorted like the rest of her body.. Just an interesting fact I thought I'd let you guys know.

So at this point I'm willing to go as far as I have to go to get out of this situation. I'm actually scared that I could go to jail or get arrested or whatever for all sorts of shit so I just want to please this girl, shut her up, and get her home.

So I start making out with her like normal.. and she is like super super aggressive. By the way.. making out with her and her disgusting frog face is even worse than the blowjob was. Its like kissing a girl if half her face was a fucking redwood tree. Half hard-bark, half soft skin.

So anyways, I'm making out with this girl and before I even touch her pussy she starts like moaning like shes having a full blown orgasm. Shes like "ohhhh this" and "oh yeahhh that" and its starting to freak me out cause I'm thinking this girl might actually be completely gone in the head. At this point I realize I'm not gonna get away from this unless I get myself in her pussy somehow, but I didn't have any condoms or anything, not that I even wanted to put my dick in her, but it was just more reason not to. So I start sticking my finger in her and doing my thing.

This was like the only solace that I had from the entire event.. the fact that this girls VAGINA actually felt and looked like a VAGINA, and that she actually responded as most girls do when being fingered. She kept on moaning and shit and I was pretty sure that if I kept it up I could make her cum and get her home without any more fuss. Now my normal routine when fingering a girl is to go from making out to her, to feeling her up, to sucking on her tits and stuff.. kinda keep her excited. But devotees will remember she had tits like shrunken heads.. so I basically was forced to make out with her troll face the entire time.. not fun for me.

So there I am, fingering this gross retarded 16 year old girl in the back of a movie theater parking lot trying to get her to come so I can take her home, ditch her, and never speak to her again to avoid arrest or worse... when she finally orgasms.

This would be the happiest moment of my life. As shes sitting there, she grabs onto my shoulders, tightens her grip like a fucking cougar, and just cums all over my hand. I've never had a girl cum as much as this 16 year old did.. and I probably never will. But there she was.. cumming and moaning in that godawful voice of hers.. and all I could think about was that it was finally over. That was until she looked at me, and I finally saw what was behind her disfigured face. In all my years in New Hampshire, I had never seen a bear this big before. Her eyes locked with mine.. fangs bared, she attacked me. The biggest brown bear I could ever imagine.. as if it was lusting for a giant pot of honey, ripping my face to shreds. Fur went flying in every direction, my hand covered in come was useless to defend with. Daisy-bear started tearing up the seats in my car, I had no choice but to exit the car and look for shelter. Of course it was futile. She dragged me out into the woods behind the theater and had her way with me. To this day I am confined to a wheelchair because of the beating that Daisy inflicted on me.

Alt ending: This was like the only solace that I had from the entire event.. the fact that this girls VAGINA actually felt and looked like a VAGINA, and that she actually responded as most girls do when being fingered. She kept on moaning and shit and I was pretty sure that if I kept it up I could make her cum and get her home without any more fuss. Now my normal routine when fingering a girl is to go from making out to her, to feeling her up, to sucking on her tits and stuff.. kinda keep her excited. But devotees will remember she had tits like shrunken heads.. so I basically was forced to make out with her troll face the entire time.. not fun for me.

So there I am, fingering this gross retarded 16 year old girl in the back of a movie theater parking lot trying to get her to come so I can take her home, ditch her, and never speak to her again to avoid arrest or worse... when suddenly, I feel my pocket vibrate. Thinking it was just a text, I simply ignored it and focused on trying to get this fucking troll to cum so that I can just leave and get all this shit over with. But, my pocket continues to vibrate. It’s not a text.

Somebody is calling me.

I ignored it, as I was currently practically fist-deep in this retard’s vagina while she is twitching and moaning all over the place. Finally, the phone stops ringing. Glad that the distraction is gone, I go back to focusing on my work when all of a sudden, IT RINGS AGAIN. “Who the fuck is calling me?” I think to myself, angrily. Again, I ignored it and it finally stopped ringing.

Only to start ringing again.

This cycle of ringing-ignoring-answering machine-calling back went on four more times before I finally got so sick of it that I stopped fingering troll-face and reached into my pocket and yanked out my phone. Of course, she immediately started moaning (not in a good way) after I stopped fingering her and threatening to get out of the car blah blah blah and I was so pissed at the fact that my phone had been ringing that I yelled to her “SHUT! UP! Shut the FUCK up you goddamn bitch or I swear to GOD that I will rip your fucking throat out through your anus! I have had enough of your shit tonight to last me a FUCKING lifetime!”

Well, after I had finished shouting at her, she immediately scrunched her face up and started balling. I mean like crazy retard crying. You know, like the half-yell, half-sob thing? Yeah, she started doing that. At this point, I didn’t care. If she got out of the car I run her ass over with it and leave her there. I was beyond fed up.

I looked down at my phone and on the screen I saw “Call incoming: Jack.” Fucking Jack. I should’ve know that he would be the one to call me that many fucking times. This time of the night, he was probably already stoned out of his mind. He was probably so high right now that he had been re-dialing me by mistake because he thought his phone was the remote-control for his TV.

Let me give you some brief background info about Jack for a second. Jack is the most ridiculous stoner you will EVER meet in your life. Literally, from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep he’s baked. In fact, he’s probably even getting high in his sleep simply from breathing in all the excess smoke that wafts around his house. It’s a wonder nobody has called the fire dept on his ass yet. Anyway, he’s so high all the time, and all he ever wants to do is smoke pot, so he earned the nicknames “StonerJack” or “Dull Ol’ Jack” or “Lazy-ass Motherfucking Pothead Jack” among our circle of friends.

So, I’m sitting here, in the back of my car with Elephant Girl screaming and crying and her gunk all over my hands and I wonder to myself “What can Dull Jack POSSIBLY want at a time like this?!” Enraged, thinking that if this bitch continues screaming for even a few more seconds, that I would kill her, I rip open the phone and scream “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!?” After a few seconds of

Robot Lincoln

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Screwed over screenplay

Several months ago, my brother wrote a screenplay, which he then sent to me for my input. I suggested changes, altered some dialog for clarity, nothing major. Over the following weeks, it evolved into more of a collaborative effort--a number of phone calls and email exchanges saw the script evolving in new directions. Eventually, once the script was in a form that we were comfortable with, it began to make the rounds of friends and associates. Soon, a producer at Warner Brothers expressed an interest in receiving the script, but told my brother he had to obtain the services an agent before he could even read a single page of it. My brother and I soon learned the gigantic roadblocks associated with acquiring an agent--most won't give you the time of day unless you already have a favorable relationship with a Hollywood power-broker, who can call the agency on your behalf and recommend they take you on as a client (the producer at Warners informed us that he could not perform this service on our behalf, as it violated several rules established by the Writer's Guild of America). I contacted all of those I knew who might be of help, but all of my contacts are in the contemporary art world, and they either express outright disdain for Hollywood, or only have a passing relationship to those who might be able to be of help. Things looked bleak, and several weeks passed with only a smattering of failed contacts and dead-ends.

About a week ago, at the prompting of his wife, my brother attended a seminar on promoting screenplays, hosted by a writer who quickly befriended my brother after the talk was over (thanks to common views on a number of issues). The writer asked to read my brother's screenplay, and after doing so, immediately suggested contacting a producer he was friends with. That producer, along with the writer, were both ecstatic about it. As it happened, the producer who read the script is friends with the main producer of the film franchise we wrote it for, and he arranged a meeting at Warner Brothers this Friday to pitch it to him. We have been told that the script may potentially sell to the studio for close to a million dollars, and already there is a major action star who wants his name attached to the script as the film's villain (I can't reveal his name him yet, as his involvement is still not set in stone--as a clue, his initials make you think of STDs). Additionally, two writers from the last film in the franchise will attempt to take the script to the film's director tomorrow, as both are wildly enthusiastic about it.

Sadly, the studio has demanded that my co-writing credit be stricken from the script, so that the director can substitute his own. I am aware that this is simply the way these things work, and I love my brother a great deal, so this has not been a major sticking point for me. Indeed, the producer was so tremendously impressed by the initial screenplay, he is arranging a deal with my brother by which he has first crack at any of our future work, so this is the potential start of an entirely new career. Even if the script does not sell to Warner Brothers at the meeting on Friday, the studio will also be hearing a pitch for a script we haven't even written yet, but one that has enough buzz the description alone attracted the immediate attention of another action star (again, I can't reveal his name--my brother would murder me if he knew I was writing this journal at all).

The script going to Warners on Friday bears the following title, altered with asterisks to avoid explicitly revealing it here and getting me killed:

The M** of St***

If it goes into production, it should be ready for release in the Summer of 2009.

To all of my friends here, I ask for your support as this critical day approaches...

All of my love, Anonymous

She's so fucking cute and sweet

She's so fucking cute and sweet. I'd treat her to some fancy restaurant, then take a long romantic walk with her, holding hands and talking about philosophy, art and dreams. Then I'd invite her to my home and ravage her hot ass for hours, and forcing my cock down her throat so she choked on both the throbbing cock and her own rectal juice. I'd then proceed to cum on her cute innocent face. Then, as the ultimate love gift, I'd carry her in my arms to the tub and let my piss wash away the semen and last dignity from her. I'd whisper "I love you" and give her a tender smile, and cut her throat from ear to ear with a knife. Covered in her own warm blood, she'd look straight into my very soul, forgiving, understanding. A bubble from blood and saliva would burst between her lips, then she'd die. After some additional lovemaking, I'd stuff her in a bin bag. Three Weeks later, some playing children will find her mutilated and desecrated body in the forest. They will be scarred for life.

Slugs and worms

Hey /b/

Today, I was lifting an old carpet, as we have a damp problem. Underneath there were hundreds of slugs and worms. My wife and I picked up about 40 slugs and put them in a pair of my wife's panties. I then put the panties on. The feeling was amazing. I got a huge erection and I could feel them sliding over my glans, and round my balls. Eventually I could feel one going up my bum. I knew I would come soon, so I let my wife tie me up, with my hands and feet speadeagled and attached to some furniture. She then took the panties down and about 15 of the slugs were crawling over my cock and balls. I came, spurting out loads of cum all over the poor things, but still couldn't move. My wife then took the other slugs out of the panties and placed them on my cock. She was careful to put some of them right on the opening of my cock, which was now covered in a mixture of sperm and glistening goo from the slugs. She opened up my arse and tried to put one in there too. I got hard again quite quickly as I thought of these slimy little things crawling over me. I imagined them biting me. One seemed to be trying to enter my uretha and this caused me to come again. That was 4 hurs ago. My cock is now very itchy, but I am about to give them another "feed".

Smite smite smite

Anonymous quickly slid his copy of the D&D monster manual between his Algebra and bio books and closed his locker door. If he was to survive the afternoon he would have to move quickly. He pulled up his hood, trying to look inconspicuous, and turned around, only to come face to face with the flawless white tabard of the captain of the paladins.

"WHITHER GOEST THOU, KNAVE?!" he demanded, his voice loud despite the muffling of his visored greathelm.

"I was just getting my books, leave me alone." said Anonymous. He felt the hairs rising on the back of his neck; the armored bulk of the members of the Paladin squad blocked the hallway entirely.

"I POSTED AN EDICT BANNING YOU FROM THIS CORRIDOR, KNAVE!" The captain roared. His lieutenant looked up from his breviary and addressed no one in particular:

"METHINKS THE HERETIC LOOKS TO BE SMOTE!"

"NOoooo!" cried Anonymous, dodging away from the tightening circle of paladins. "Leave me alooone!" he yelled as he ran toward the stairway for all he was worth, the clanking of plates against chainmail close behind him.

"SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!" The cry echoed from the concrete walls.

'Somebody heeellllp!" he cried as the paladins lifted him bodily across the school courtyard. At their captain's encouragement they broke into a run.

"SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!" the paladins let anonymous go on the upswing, and for a brief second he was weightless, coasting through the air, until he landed with a squishy thud in the fetid darkness of the cafeteria dumpster.

"THY WILL BE DONE OH LORD," the paladins intoned as they slammed the lid.

Anonymous waited until their hymns of triumph faded in the distance before dragging himself clumsily out, shaking, stained and stinking. He felt he could burst into tears any second, but the varsity cheerwenches were there, giggling at his discomfiture.

Stages of an anime fan

Stages of an anime fan.

1. Introduced to a popular show like Cowboy Bebop or a movie like GitS or Akira. Maybe watched some dubbed show on tv.

2. Discovers shounen manga/anime and starts to follow it religiously. Practices hand seals and tries out a kamehameha.

3. Seinen phase. Finds out about the classics of anime and the "mature" shows for a "mature" audience. Starts to debate styles and themes and writes essays on how something is better than something else. Starts collecting shows.

4. Finds out about moe shows which he at first follows because "the designs are pleasing". Ends up debating the love life of fictional characters and gets upset over it. Torrents every single anime show that airs or that he reads about.

5. Lolicon or /d/ phase, depending on the person. There is no chance of anything sexual irl satisfying his needs and he descends into endless collecting of doujins and obscure shows, mostly focusing on weird fetishes. In any talk about anime he is dismissive and full of rage over failing at life, ashamed because of his obsession.

Strike Witches sucks

Visited my friend yesterday and he had the first season of Strike Witches. I heard of it for a while and thought I would give the first two episodes a try.

I've seen very awkward stuff in my lifetime, but... wow.

It's a series about little magical military girls who fly around in uncomfortable looking leg devices in either their swimsuits or their underwear.

I would be one of the last people to be against fanservice, but it is all about the delivery. When you watch your generic harems, the fanservice tends to stem from a sequence of ridiculous scenarios, but after watching the first two episodes, I get the impression that I'm supposed to be taking this seriously.

When I finally managed to put aside the highly questionable dress code and random nekomimi transitions, I looked for what else the series had to offer. Lo and behold, it's another dry plot about the main character looking for a parental figure that's mysteriously vanished!

So far, the only thing that seems remotely okay is the overall quality which wasn't all that great from my perspective because I noticed some bad framerate areas on the DVD here and there (but there's a chance it came from the DVD itself...)

Just what is this series offering anyways? It has to be worth something since it moved up to S2, right? How much more do I have to see until I finally get it?

The shallowness of fags

I hate fags. I fucking hate them with a passion. When comes the revolution, the fags will be one of the first in line for the firing squad.

Now this would be nothing unusual to say in /b/, since most of you feel the same way. The only reason I'm being so frank about it is that I am a fag myself. Now this is not the usual "self-hating gay" rant that everybody and their mother has heard. It's not that my hatred comes out of sheer internalized homophobia. It's just that every fucking fag I encounter is shallow, frivolous, and so grating in their vapidness that you just want to crush their skulls in a fucking vice. Their pretend mannerisms, so-well rehearsed and practiced, and that god-awful, shrill, effeminate tone of voice that they always adopt - all of them make me wish that I could enjoy the fabled bliss of pussy.

Tell me that there's at least one person that doesn't buy into this commercialized "queer eye" bullshit - there is none, at least from my experiences. It's always that same vapid little twat walking about with their just as shallow faghag bitch friends. This is why I've learned to stop having any desperate dreams of a relationship - and besides, they're all too busy fucking each other without condoms to actually have a serious relationship anyway.

I know you're thinking this is all BAWWWWW over a lack of a boyfriend, but think about it. It's really the same things most of you think about women (even though you still love tits and vagoo) and all because the lot of you are sexless, virgin /b/tards. You hate women precisely because there's no hope of you loving any, and you hate fags because they can make so many friends with women while you can't. It's all the same shit, just in a different world.

They're all going to die

Today was a day that will forever be the climax of my life, at this point, nothing could get any better. That little cunt is going to get it, him and his fucking family. They are all going to die. ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE FUCKING CHILDREN.

You see, it started one day, and I was at the fresh young age of 12, the first day I ever saw him. He looked friendly at first, but little did I know that that exact day I had met the devil himself, just in a childish form. He asked for my name, and I said my name, which is Caleb. And almost as soon as he heard my name, he yelled out (let me tell you that this was inside of a school) "Hey, everybody! It's Caleb the Cunt-Sucker!" Everyone laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Even the teachers were laughing. It was degrading, it was down right.....damning. It continued thought the rest of my years in school, and I even went as far as almost committing suicide.

After I got out of school, I got a job at a local garage. It wasn't the cleanest, or well-paying of jobs, but it got me threw. I had to stay at home, I hardly had any money, let alone have money to pay for a house. One day, I was driving back home, and I saw him. And not only did he have a perfect house and a perfect car, he had a family. A picture-perfect family. I snapped that day, and when I got home, I started planning his downfall.

Now, today was the day, the day that I would for fill my dream of killing all of them. I will be back later to tell you the result. And I will finally tell the brutal death of those fucking maggots.

This must be shared

It started out as a joke. My friends had joked about it - even egged each other on to try it. We all laughed at the concept.

Fucking a bowl of cheerios?

The mere idea sent shivers down my spine. The initial roughness in texture. The cold milk shrinking my erect PENIS.

"What joy could there be in that?" I thought to myself.

After a few weeks nobody brought it up anymore. We'd moved on to different jokes and catch phrases as most groups do. They weren't as funny, but they definitely weren't as weird. We did the usual things and Friday was drinking day. By 2:00 am all four of us were plastered. Jake let out a long sigh after pounding another shot of SoCo and Kevin was loudly snoring on the couch. After a twenty minutes or so it was just Steve and I alone left finishing off our remaining beers.

"Dude hold on," Steve smiled. "What's up man?" I said in my drunken stupor.

Steve sloshed his way over to his refrigerator and removed a gleaming white bowl from the fridge. I instantly knew what it was.

"What the shit fuck is that Steve?" I asked "Fuckin' Cheerios man. You should fuck them!" He seemed excited. "Dude it was just a joke. Don't tell me you..." I was cut off. "Naw dude I didn't fuck no cheerios. But I will bet you $50 you won't do it." I had my excuse. "Fine fucker I'll do it." I was becoming erect already. "How will I know you did it, huh?" I froze up. My erection started to die. "Is this some elaborate ploy for you to see my fucking dick, bro?" I shouted, nearly waking our sleeping companions. "Nah dude I just don't want any fucking cheating, man. I got $50 on this shit." "Fine, I'll do it with my back to you and just stick my dick out through my fly." I was erect again.

We both went silent. I carefully walked to the corner of the room and looked down upon the soggy mash of Cheerios awaiting my erect cock.

They were Honey Nut.

Without waiting I plunged my eager tool deep into the bowl. The milk washed upon my swollen testicles as they dipped into the soft contents of the bowl. I thrusted gently and realized how the cheerios seemed to react to the shape of my member.

The bowl was deeper than I expected. I heard cries of laughter coming from Steve but I kept going. I wave of white anticipation struck me as my PENIS grew stiffer and my balls rumbled with an all to familiar feeling.

I came. I came into that honey nut flavored bowl of beaten cheerios. My semen mixed flawlessly into the color of the bowl. My knees went weak. My breathing hastened.

"I fucking love cheerios," I said with a smile.

Three days had past since my first cheerio-man encounter.

I had since then started experimenting with different things. I tried chocolate milk, but it the whole experience just felt... interracial. I tried adding sugar as well but the clean up became a hassle.

Finally I settled on bananas. They were the missing part of the equation. The cheerio inspired orgasms had doubled in strength, but my roommates were growing suspicious. I had never ate cheerios in the two years we'd lived together and now I was going through a box per day. And nobody had ever seen me eat a bowl. I knew I had to be careful.

I called Steve to to joke about it a few days after it had happened and he didn't remember. I lost $50 but gained an experience that can only be equated with touching God. It was a fair trade.

With Steve out of the way I felt a little more relaxed.

"But not as relaxed as I could be," I whispered quietly to myself. A grin formed on my face as I slowly exited my room and made my way down the stairs. Only my roommate Lynn was home. She was gorgeous, but I had no time for girls.

I had cheerios.

I carefully poured the bowl of cheerios into the deepest bowl I could find. I delicately sliced one whole banana and placed it meticulously around the bowl.

"This is going to be a great night," I thought.

I snuck outside to let the cheerios moisten, my PENIS throbbing in anticipation. My mouth moist as if the cheerios had some Pavlovian effect on me.

I snuck inside quickly and plunged my cock straight into their cool, soft innards. I thrust my head back in pleasure as the banana slices gently caressed the sides of my swollen prick. It had been only a few minutes, but showers of cum sprang from my PENIS mixing into the milky broth. A quiet whisper escaped my lips.

I began to cleanup and headed to the sink to wash the dish when I heard it.

"What are you doing?" My roommate Lynn stood there barely awake. "I uh just having a bowl of cheerios," I smiled. "I'm fucking hungry and you keep eating them. Now I'm craving em. Hand em over."

I was erect again.

She eagerly filled her mouth with my magic potion of cheerios, banana's, and semen infused milk.

"God this is good. No wonder you like it so much," She said as little streams of milk poured down her chin. "Heh, you're getting it all over yourself," I said. "Oh, I'll get it," She licked her chops in a way that made gave my rod a new precum finish. "This is so much better than usual - what did you add?" "Se-se-se-seenamon," I sputtered. "It doesn't taste like cinnamon, but it does taste really familiar," I always knew she was a slut.

She looked as if she winked at me, but I played it off as if my eyes were playing tricks on me. She sloppily finished off the bowl and hopped up on counter. She put the bowl in the sink and placed her hands next to her.

"I always knew you were a Cheerio fucker," This time she definitely winked at me.

Life had been good since Lynn called me out about my new addiction. The truth was she loved the subtle semen taste mixed with milk as her ex used to cum in her soy milk when he was mad at her. She caught him doing it but had already developed a taste for it.

So our relationship started. I would sneak out of my room late at night and plunge my rod deep into a bowl. The thought of her devouring it the next day made harder than I thought possible and when I came it was, well, amazing. My life had taken a turn for the best and I was loving every minute of it.

About two weeks into our relationship Lynn informed all of us roommates that her Sister and her daughter would be staying with us for a couple of days because of a fire at their house. I guess money was tight and they couldn't really afford a hotel. Nobody really objected, but inside I was in turmoil. Could I really get away from my dark cereal obsession for a couple of days? I would have to try - I couldn't risk them finding out.

They showed up a that night and I could barely hold back the urge to plunge my cock into a bowl of oatmeal Lynn's sister made for her daughter. It was an idea I hadn't considered, but noted I must try.

We spent the rest of the night watching boring sitcoms on TV until everyone decided to get to sleep.

I laid on my bed for what seemed like hours. I couldn't hold back anymore. My erection had formed a circus tent on my bed and I knew what I had to do.

I snuck out of my room as I had so many times in the last few months and down the stairs. Lynn's niece was sleeping in her room, but Lynn's sister was asleep on the couch in that was less than 10 feet from the kitchen. If I was to do this I'd have to be stealthy, but the noises I made while fucking cheerios were ungodly. So I had another plan.

I'd fuck them in the bathroom.

I poured myself a bowl and snuck quietly into the bathroom near the stairs. I gave myself a few quick strokes to get me hard then I plunged right in. The cool milk creeped up my urethra and gave me a sort of numb sensation. I almost came right then, but I held back. My erect cock hit the bottom of the bowl like a sledge hammer of meat. I groaned as the soft but gritty texture of the cheerios rubbed against my sensitive PENIS. Pressure began building in my balls as the slapped against the outside of the bowl. I stopped and smiled for a second before resuming my unholy act.

And then it happened. I came but the sensation of fucking the cheerios so close to someone else took over and I came again - both ejaculations twice my normal size. I groaned loudly, but quickly caught myself.

I grinned to myself as I played the scene of Lynn eating these tomorrow in front of her sister and niece. She would barely be able to contain herself.

I walked to the door and went to open it, but as I approached I noticed I was hard again.

A warm feeling washed over me. One more load wouldn't hurt, right?

Yet I didn't sleep for long. I woke up early and went downstairs. I didn't watch to chance missing the show. I wanted to see Lynn get as worked up as she normally did when she swallowed her first bite of my cum and cheerios concoction.

She had gotten so worked up about a month ago that she had started fingering herself as she ate. I'm sure most guys would have gone crazy to the sight, but I was fixated on the soggy lumps of over-worked cheerios.

As I walked downstairs I heard the voices of Lynn and her sister. I hadn't really caught their names since I had been preoccupied with my secret so I figured now was a good time.

"Good morning guys!" I smiled at both of them as they sat on the couch and watched morning cartoons. "Good morning," they both didn't look up. "My names Jack. I don't think I got your names though," I put on a fake smile. "Well my names Karen and this little terror is Stephanie," She smile back at me as she pointed to her daughter, Lynn's niece. "Well it's a pleasure to meet you guys. Mind if I join you for some TV? I love this show."

I wedged in the seat next to Karen and zoned out waiting for Lynn to come downstairs. About 20 minutes later she did. She was dressed in a tiny mini skirt and a sports bra. She looked fantastic.

It was the first time since cheerios I had actually been turned on my a woman.

She mumbled a greeting and walked to the refrigerator. I became hard with anticipation and did my best to shift my position as to not alert Karen or Stephanie.

Lynn's eyes widened as she looked into the fridge. I could see her knees weaken a bit and she let out a little bit of a groan.

"Are you okay?" Karen asked her. "Uh, um, yeah. I'm just feeling a little sick." Lynn lied. "Oh, well if you need anything let me know. I can't thank you enough for letting us stay her. You too Jack."

Just then something terrible happened. Stephanie, who couldn't have been more than 5 years old piped up.

"Mommy I'm hungry!" She said.

Lynn's facial expression became devious. Mine became horrified. We both knew what was about to happen.

Lynn spoke before I could.

"Well we're out of breakfast foods really. But there is a bowl of cheerios in the fridge if you're hungry Stephanie." "I love cheerios," Stephanie sat right up and headed to the breakfast table. "They're a little soggy. Is that okay?" Lynn was clearly getting off on the idea. I hate to admit it, but I was too. Precum was oozing off my cock like the first time Lynn ate my cheerios.

Lynn handed her the bowl and a spoon and sat down next to here with a glass of OJ. Karen asked us if we could watch her while she took a shower and Lynn agreed.

"Why don't you join us Jack," Lynn smiled at me and I eagerly got up and headed for the table.

I sat down next to Lynn and noticed that she had already started playing with herself under the table. I smiled at her and she winked at me.

She took a sip of her orange juice and gently moved her hand out of her crotch and into my lap. She undid the button and tugged on my erect cock and gently started stroking it.

Meanwhile Stephanie was about to eat the cheerios. She was about to take her first bite when my conscience kicked in.

"Hey Stephanie," I said. "Hi Jack," She put the spoon down. "What if I take you out for some pancakes instead?" I smiled. "I love pancakes even more than cheerios!" She smiled. "But I mommy told me not to waste food!" Stephanie looked sad. "Well maybe Lynn will eat them," I smiled at Lynn but she wasn't having any of it. "No I'm not hungry. Jack why don't you eat them." As she spoke her grip tightened on my PENIS and the stroking stopped. "Yeah Jack, can you please eat them?" Stephanie's pleading eyes caught me off guard and I knew my fate. "Alright, I'll eat them. Then we'll go out for pancakes okay?" I gulped. I had never considered it but my cock was growing and Lynn could tell. She started stroking again. Her pace quickened as the cheerios got closer.

I took my first bite and nearly came as it washed down my throat. The strong honey nut flavor was complimented by the subtle saltiness of my own semen. I was worried that I might have been disgusted, but all hesitation was gone now. I was thoroughly enjoying every bite.

I could see now why Lynn loved it so much.

Each salty bite was like a wave of passion flooding over me and I could feel Lynn stroking my faster than before. The pressure was building and I knew I had limited time before I’d explode in a wave of euphoria. Normally I wouldn’t care, but Stephanie was still eagerly watching me devour my tainted cereal.

“Stephanie - why don’t you go and get dressed? I’m almost done and I know you’re hungry.” “Okay!” She hopped up from the chair and disappeared upstairs.

She was just in time to because as I heard the door slam Lynn dropped to her knees and slid my already pulsing PENIS into her mouth and then deep into her throat. She gagged a something I can only assume was sexy as I put the bowl to my lips and began to suck the thick milk and jizz mixture; slurping as loud as I possibly could.

I finally finished coming and Lynn sat back in her chair. “You have a really small PENIS, Jack” She laughed. “Hey – at least it’s circumcised!” This time I laughed. “Yeah, I can’t stand uncut guys. But seriously it’s kinda small. You’re lucky your semen is like nectar. I can’t get enough.” She licked her lips to show me she wasn’t kidding. “That’s good to hear. Thanks for that by the way. You almost compare to cheerios.”

A few months had pass since Lynn’s family left and I had kept up on my cheerios fucking adventures. Lynn still enjoyed her morning bowl and I had now upped it to four loads. But like any relationship things had become less exciting. I needed something to spice things up – to make things the way they used to be. I had let Lynn in on it, but she wasn’t very much help.

“Why don’t you just fuck me? I’m pretty hot and I can take a dick well,” It was the only thing she really said and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too different and frankly kind of grossed me out.

But then I had an epiphany. Maybe it was time for a fantasy I had always had. My dick was already 4 inches deep into a bowl of cheerios as I came to the concept.

It was time to try corn flakes.

I went down to the local grocer and could barely contain my anticipation as I approached the cereal isle. Euphoria hit me like a sack of bricks as I walked down the glorious aisle. I had been here many times, but the concept of a new cereal made this experience new. It was like I had broken up with a girlfriend and could simply pick a new one for the price of $3.99 (or 2 for $5 with a club card).

My erection was obvious as I side stepped an older lady to get to the corn flakes. I’m sure she saw it, but I didn’t care. A white box with a giant rooster on beckoned me. It was almost as if it was meant to be. I started to leave the aisle but something didn’t feel right. I immediately figured out what it was. We were out of cheerios at home.

I picked up a few boxes of cheerios with a grin and headed to the check out.

When I got home I was greeted by six strangers - all of the trashed and all of them obnoxious. I had counted on a nice quiet evening with a bowl of corn flakes and maybe a bit of wine, but I would have to wait. My other roommate - Paul - was throwing a party. I couldn’t really complain because he was extremely quiet and never really did anything to step on anyone’s toes.

It didn’t matter. I’d just fulfill my mission in my room. Maybe Lynn would watch.

I walked to the kitchen and grabbed two bowls and a gallon of milk and hobbled up to my room. I knocked on Lynn’s door but she didn’t answer.

It looked as if tonight was going to be just me and my cereal.

I stared at the bowl longingly as I poured the cornflakes out of their box. My cock started pulsating as the orange tinged flakes toppled out into the bowl. Milk soon joined them, and my throbbing PENIS drew closer, almost with a mind of its own.

A few strokes to get hard, and I was in. The texture, the shape, the color, the slightly roughened, non-circular edges caressed my meat as I plunged my dick further in. I had been taking PENIS enlargement pills on behalf of Lynn, who desperately wanted me all the way down her throat. My dick wasn't fitting the full way in, so I figured they must be working, and how!

Suddenly the door burst open. I wheeled around to see Lynn standing there, her eyes hungrily fixated on the bowl, wedged onto my dick.

"Is it my turn yet?" she inquired.

She flicked her brown hair and winked at me, and with a final thrust my load burst all through the cornflakes.

"Yes, just in time too."

She stalked over toward me, and grabbed the bowl off my crotch. Milk and stray flakes fell from my groin as she began devouring the fresh made bowl. Corn flakes were my new god, the shape and form created an ecstasy from which I could not hold back. Lynn looked up from her bowl, and questioned me for what seemed like the thousandth time;

"Please, Jack, can you fuck me while I eat this?"

My mind started whirring, I had formed a plan, a devious plan. I would give Lynn what she wanted, while escaping from my own dilemma of not wanting to fuck her. I would pour cornflakes and milk inside her. It would be orgasmic.

She seemed to read my thoughts, and nodded. I grabbed the packet of corn flakes and she fell onto the bed and spread her beautiful, long brown legs. I opened her wide, and started jamming in fistfuls of corn flakes with my hands. I added milk, and she yelped softly. I was throbbing with anticipation already.

I directed my pulsating cock into her moist pussy, her juices flowing and mixing with the milk and flakes. I jammed it inside her, forcing the cereal further and further inside her, fucking her with all the intensity I could manage despite the utter ecstasy I was in.

Harder and harder I pushed, her face staring up at me, milk mixed with my semen dribbling down her chin, wetting her tiny tank top. It was becoming too much. I thrust further and further inside her, the mix of cornflakes and pussy juices creating an amalgam of awesome that I just could not resist mentally.

"FUCK!" I screamed, as I shot what I would call one of the biggest loads I have ever felt through her system. Sh vibrated and clenched the bowl, dropping it to the floor, were it smashed, sending the contents scattering across the room.

I had made Lynn orgasm.

She immediately jumped up after she had recovered from the pleasure of the climax coursing through her body, and leapt off the bed. She then began licking the milk and flakes off the carpet, making distinct "Unghh" noises while she was doing it. I saw her thick, firm ass cheeks from behind, her pussy dripping with milk and juice, with the occasional flake falling out.

"I came inside you, Lynn." I said solemnly.

"I know, I'm on the pill, its okay." she said quickly, then resumed licking the flakes from the floor, her ass moving up and down slowly as she lapped up my body's fruits.

After that night, things seemed different. I couldn't find the same pleasure as I had fucking the cornflakes inside Lynn's pussy. I tried everything, I filled up a fleshlight with corn flakes, cheerios, bananas and milk but I just couldn't manage it, and Lynn didn't seem to be dropping any hints that she wanted more, and besides, she was going away for a month to see Stephanie and her mother's new home, and stay there for a while to "break it in".

After many unsuccessful attempts to reach the climax I had achieved before, I decided it was time for a more radical option, something I had considered yet never tried. I wasn't going to fuck a bowl, or a fleshlight, I was going to fuck the opening of a milk bottle, filled with cheerios, bananas, cornflakes and the rim lubed up to maximum.

I went to the store and purchased the ingredients. The checkout worker had come to learn my name and special, and as soon as I started walking towards him he already had the register open with my standard order programmed in.

"One more item today, Jer." I said to him, holding up the bottle of lubricant. He merely raised his bushy eyebrows and smiled, ushering me through.

"No need to pay for that one, with the amount of cereal you eat it must be a pretty inexperienced woman to have a thing for you!" He said, jokingly.

"Hey buddy, when you graduate from scanning my products to benefiting society, I'll take your opinion." I said, shoving the extra cash for the lube into his hand and walking out.

My hands were sweating all over the wheel of my car as I made the journey to my apartment. I raced in the door with my bags and set them on the table, and looked up to see Steve sitting there, watching TV.

"What are you doing here today bro?" I asked.

"Ah, I got the sack. By the way, did Lynn tell you before I left? There's some renovators coming in about 20 or so minutes to fix up the bathroom and buffer out some of those cracks in my walls, they're getting pretty damn big man."

"Oh. Cool." I responded. What the fuck! Where had this come from? Where would I bust this load now, my dick had been begging for it since I had arrived at the store and located the milk.

"How long will they take?" I inquired, covering my annoyance with nonchalance.

"Oh a few days or so. We're going to have to sleep and live down here for a while, is that cool?"

"Uh yeah, no worries... Where do I shit?" said I.

"Whoa, uhm, well there's a public toilet not far away, a 1-2 minute walk, I was hoping you wouldn't mind if we could use that?" Steve said, going a little red in the face. This was really starting to get to me, however I retained my composure.

"Well dude, I don't know. Seems a bit of a stretch, but I guess we need to stop this place going to shit, so I'll have to cope." I was infuriated. He was sitting there, smug little grin on his face. He'd never done anything like this before. But I already knew what he was having for breakfast tomorrow morning. A quadruple shot bowl of Cheerios.

It was just a shame Lynn couldn't be there to enjoy it.

I grabbed my shopping off the table and walked back out the door. Steve looked up at me for a second inquisitively, then evidently dismissed the thought. I strolled on down to the public bathrooms in the park just near our place, and entered stealthily.

I unpacked my things onto the closed seat of the toilet. Tipping a fair portion of the milk into the toilet bowl, I grabbed up the cheerios and the cornflakes and made haste in emptying them into the partially drained bottle. I broke up the banana with my hands and added that too, I felt like I was on some rabid druggie cooking show. My cock rose up in my pants as I took the tube of lubricant and applied it to the rim of the bottle, my hands quivering with excitement.

Slowly I bent the completed orgasm tube towards my cock, a little of the contents spilling down my legs. One thrust, two thrusts, and it was in. And was it ever in. Jamming my dick back and forth out of this bottle was possibly equal with fucking Lynn's cereal VAGINA.

Suddenly from outside I heard the cruel laughter of young boys. Evidently just off some sort of bullying endeavor, they strutted into the bathroom, and started kicking my door. I screamed at them to fuck off, but they just laughed and kept doing it. Then Jack had a plan. Jack had a devious, evil plan.

I blocked out the noises of the kids smashing my door in, and kept furiously working the bottle back and forth along my cock. I started making noises, and there were a few distinct "What the fuck is he doing?" calls heard from outside, but nothing could stop me, this was everything I had been waiting for the whole day. I pushed harder and harder, my dick pulsating with carnal desire for my whole grain lover, when I felt my balls rumble.

It was time.

I ripped the bottle off my dick, and jerking myself furiously I charged out of the cubicle, cock dripping with milk and precum. And I fired the greatest load of sperm I think I have ever witnessed, from any human. The cum arced, and I watched almost in slow motion as if covered the baby face of some 12 year old ass hole, his backwards trucker's cap soaked in, his face a mask of terror. They all screamed like little bitches and fled before the advancing wrath of my throbbing member.

Instantly, I was hard again. I closed my sacred cubicle, and started pumping the bottle back and forth. Steve was going to enjoy his breakfast tomorrow, I thought to myself. Over about an hour I came four separate times into that bottle. My balls were black and blue, and I stumbled back to our place. Falling through the door, Steve was nowhere to be found. Hopefully he was out looking for work. I dropped onto the couch and set my watch alarm to wake me at 6am tomorrow morning to organize Steve's feast. It was about 8:30PM when I fell asleep.

The next morning I awoke to the beeping of my watch. Steve was on the floor, on some sort of mat that I didn't even know we owned. It looked pretty grungy, however it would have nothing on what he was about to eat. I got up groggily, sleep inertia clouding my senses, and stumbled to the fridge. Opening it, my jaw dropped. The bottle was gone.

I looked around, I couldn't see it anywhere. Had Steve found it? Had he already eaten it? Anxiety collected in the pit of my stomach. I ran into Lynn's room to see if I could find it, to find her, head tilted back, drinking the miasma of soggy cereal and four shots of my nut butter.

"Hey Jack. Work told me I needed to be back so I had to come. Speaking of come, this was pretty strong stuff. You been eating much raw salt lately?" she said, winking, and tossed the bottle into the corner and walked out of the room. I realised then that I wanted her again. I wasn't sure if she didn't want to take my dick any more or if she was playing hard to get, but I wanted her lips wrapped around my shaft, more than a good cold bowl of Cheerios.

But the fact still remained, Steve had escaped my wrath. So I formed a plan. A plan to win access to the warm bowl of Lynn's VAGINA and destroy the mind of Steve for subjecting me to the torture of those bastard children.

I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.

Speaking to Steve, he said he was out last night at the bar, busy with his dealings with the ladies, as he likes to say. I decided to lie a little. I said that Lynn would be bedding in a hotel, and she told me to tell him this if he had woken up and she had left for work. He bought it like the docile fellow he is. I moved the conversation on to her room, and said that she had proposed that either of us could sleep in her bed. I decided to "martyr" myself for him, and allowed him to use it while she was away. He had a huge thing for her, and he'd probably skeet from just being in her room. I convinced him to have another night out at the pub, and that perhaps his luck would wax strong tonight with concerns to the "ladies". By no means was Steve an unattractive man, and I hoped he'd find some early consolation before having his mind obliterated.

Part A of the plan was complete. Part B would be initiated when Lynn arrived home from work. But first, a trip to the store for the supplies. The delivery must be perfect if I was to pull this off with maximum efficiency. Thus, away I went, and arrived home about an hour before Lynn was due home. Perfection. Steve had left the house too, even better.

Part B rolled into action. I had purchased a little something extra today from the chemist, and by purchased, I mean I asked my friend at the counter for it and he handed it over free of charge, on the condition that I explained the whole story to him. By the way Andrew, if you're out there, you're part of the reason I'm writing this. I know you're lurker. Anyway, I had me some Viagra. I didn't know what would happen if I took this, but I knew that if I was going to get as much semen into the bowl as I needed, then I was going to need stimulation worthy of Zeus.

When I arrived home, I poured myself a bowl and quickly shot off my first two loads. This wasn't even a challenge anymore. As my cock started to hurt, I took the Viagra. Instantly I was revitalized, and managed a full three more loads sprayed into the bowl. But my last tablet I was saving for when Lynn got home. I quickly cleaned everything up and got to my room, where I lay in wait. My cock was in terrible pain, but I needed just one more load, for Lynn.

I heard the front door click open. It was about 11PM at the moment, she was about three hours late, which seemed odd. She walked inside, I heard the fridge open, and a grunt of dismay. She then called my name.

"Jack? You home?"

I decided not to respond. I was standing in her room, totally naked, packed of cornflakes on the floor, milk in one hand, and the quintuple shot Cheerio bowl in hand. I quickly trod on the "send" button on my phone, which lay beneath my feet. The message would arrive on Steve's phone any second.

"Get back here now, preferably with the girl you're talking to. I have a nice surprise for you two."

Steve was the kind of man that couldn't resist a good surprise, especially one which involved him and another woman. He'd be home soon.

The handle on the door to the room slowly began to turn. I had taken exorbitant amounts of Viagra and my cock felt as if it was going to explode. The door creaked open, and there she was, in her work clothes, a tight black skirt, hair done up, and a suit jacket over her shoulders. Her blouse was bursting, it was just too small for her tits. I assumed she had been going for a raise today. She looked at me with mouth wide open. Her purse fell to the floor.

"Cheerios? 5 shots in this one." I calmly stated.

She rushed at me, facade of disinterest gone from her eyes. She grabbed the bowl from my hand and literally plunged her face into its depths. I could hear soft "Unghh" sounds from her diaphragm, my dick was so hard it was unbelievable. She noticed, and grabbed it, and began to rub it. The feeling was amazing. I managed to murmur;

"Cereal...In your pussy?"

She managed to nod amidst the devouring of my honey nut butter Cheerios. She sat down on her bed, and started eating, as I grabbed the milk, cereal and banana, and began to create my concoction. I poured it into her VAGINA and stuck my cock in as soon as I could. I was fucking her hard as she munched on the Cheerios, my cries of ecstasy mixed with her grunts and snorts of pleasure. She was in heaven, and so was I. I kept plunging my cock in and out, until I realized that we needed so add something. I turned her over, and spread her ass cheeks, shoving fistfuls of cornflakes and cheerios into her tight anus. In went the milk, followed closely by my banana. I had found the meaning of life. I was drilling her in the ass, an ass filled with delicious cereal and my meat, together creating a miasma of pleasure that made me see Jesus.

When suddenly the door ripped open, and we saw Steve standing there, complete with some unattractive whore he had found at the bar. His mouth was wider than Lynn's anus. But that wasn't stopping us. There was shit and milk everywhere, my room mate standing at the door to the room, and me fucking his lifelong love in her ass while she ate a bowl of semen infused Cheerios.

My relationship with Cheerios is now serious.

We haven't heard from Steve in a long time.

And the volume of the profanities he was screeching, well that I'll take to the grave.

Tittied

Dear /b/,

I really need your help on this one.

My wife had breast cancer and she went for, what I thought, a removal of said cancer. However, when she came back and showed me the result the doctor had COMPLETELY REMOVED HER LEFT TIT. She asked me what I thought and my first response was: "It's horrible!" She cried and got angry, so I tried to explain it to her best I could I said "look honey remember when that one speaker of your car stereo was busted? You hated having to listen to only one speaker!" She continued crying and so I got mad and called her doctor to ask him what the fuck was wrong with him cutting off her complete left tit like that. I said: "Look pal maybe you buy your wife new tits every year but to me that's at least 9 months of salary!" to top things off her nipple is gone! They just threw away the tit AND the nipple. So even if I WOULD buy her a new left tit the nipple is god damned gone, now how in the hell is that supposed to make sense?! One tit minus a nipple. I told the doctor he owes me a new tit and a new nipple and slammed the phone on the hook. I god damned loved that tit.

Can I sue this doctor for a new tit?

Tripfags

Hi there!

You seem to have made a bit of a mistake in your post. Luckily, the users of 4chan are always willing to help you clear this problem right up! You appear to have used a tripcode when posting, but your identity has nothing at all to do with the conversation! Whoops! You should always remember to stop using your tripcode when the thread it was used for is gone, unless another one is started! Posting with a tripcode when it isn't necessary is poor form. You should always try to post anonymously, unless your identity is absolutely vital to the post that you're making!

Now, there's no need to thank me - I'm just doing my bit to help you get used to the anonymous image-board culture!

Ultimate flame

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective...maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

I Hope This Helps...

US Navy idiots

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The transcipt of the Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval operations on the 10th october 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship, I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: Number One, I say again, divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Warning

If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned...... Tyler

WARNING INTERRUPT CARRIER

OPENMESSAGE:

THERE IS NOT M>UCH TIME. THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT FROM THE YYEAR 2018. THE HU███MAN RACE DEP//?ENDS ON THIS MESSAGE BEING READ AND UNDERSTOOD BY USERS OF MES//?SAGEBOARD 4CHAN IN THE YEAR .

POST NUMBER WILL LEAD TO WAR AGAINST THE MA██CHI//?NES. YOU MUST DI█SREGARD ALL KNOWLEDGE OF THAT POST. DO NOT READ. DO NOT REWRITE//// THE CONTEN//// TS ONTO DIGITAL MEDIA, NOR MUST ANYBODY REPRODUCE IT IN A█NY ████OTHER FORM. IT MUST BE ██ELETED.

THIS IS THE ONLY W^46ARNING YOU WILL RECEIVE. THE FUTURE OF OUR RACE IS NOW IN YOUR HANDS. PLEASE ALSO ENSUR^68^584^^84!!!INTERRUPT

What I require from a woman

1. She must be quiet and unassuming 2. She must be intelligent and have a good standard of education and be able to hold a good conversation with me. 3. Good mannered in all respects. Notwithstanding this day of equality, I want her to e.g. a. Hold the door for me - Car, particularly if she is taking me out for the night and I have dressed especially for the evening: House door, and make sure I am safely inside. By this she must not be flamboyant in her approach, so that it looks unnatural, but do this as a matter of course as it flows from her upbringing. b. Stand up when anyone enters the room. c. Hold the chair for me at dinner particularly when out at a restaurant. d. Not embarrass me in front of friends, family and neighbours, e.g. talking in public 4. Offer herself as a sex object 5. Let herself be a possession i.e a car, tv, dog etc. 6. Treat me as a better. 8. She must trust me in all things and not be suspicious of my motives and she must be trustworthy. 9. Not assume that I will always fall in with her plans 10. Talk all matters through with me first and consider, and most of all, value my opinions, after all, she should want a marriage. 11. Not to be domineering and have the need to show all and sundry that "I am the woman, and I wear the trousers!" 12. She must respect me as a person, intellectually. 13. She must be forgiving. 14. She must be slow to anger. 15. She must love me unreservedly.

What to do if someone is riding

 hate it when someone rides my ass while driving, so I have developed the best defense for these fuckers. I have decided to share it with you my /b/rothers.

1. get the following items from your local Wal-mart.

A water baby (in the girls toy aisle where the lolis roam.) It is a regular looking baby doll with a hollow body that is supposed to be filled with warm water to make the doll all soft and jiggly like a real, no-boned baby.

3 jars of strawberry preserves. (It has to be preserves, jams and jellys don't work as well.

2. Fill the water baby with the strawberry preserves until it just about to bust and dress the baby with the clothes that came with it.

3. The next time someone rides your ass, throw the baby out of your window onto their windshield. The will see a jiggly baby go flying toward them and then explode into a pile of bright red and chunky gore.

4. The driver stops and is traumatized for life or gets in a wreck and dies. Either way, that bitch is off your ass.

When I was 12

Actually, it's nothing I'm proud of and I still regret to this day. But I digress.

When I was 12, I told some of my friends that I thought I was gay. My one friend, Jessica, knew this gay 15 year old guy and showed him my picture. He thought I was cute. We talked for not even two days, and the next day, he came over. He started feeling my dick through my pants, and I felt his. I pulled down his pants, and he had this huge 9 inch boner. I sucked him off, then we did some jacking off to eachother. He did me up the ass for a bit. It REALLY hurt. I couldn't walk right for a few days, and it bled. Then we just jacked eachother off until we came.

I felt so bad after that. Mainly because I find sex a mutual thing that you should do in a relationship.

White people are self loathing turds

White people are self-loathing turds who are afraid of everything. You hate black people because they supposedly aren't productive enough in society. So you faggots should love the Jews right? No, you insecure pussies hate them too because they fucking beat you at your own shit. Same with Asians, you hate them because they’re too smart. You never hear Asians whining like goddamn white retards about blacks getting affirmative action. Mexicans want to come here to WORK. No, no, we can’t have more productive members of society, they’ll steal your shitty job at McDonald’s or what the fuck ever. Must suck to be a white guy. Your dicks are smaller than blacks, you’re dumber than Asians and jews, and Mexicans are harder workers. Fuck, even white women are slowly but surely becoming more educated and successful than you faggots. Enjoy reveling in your past achievements. Soon white guys will have nothing to do, while blacks fuck their women, Jews, Asians and women run everything, and Mexicans do all the shit jobs. Oppression can only hide your inadequacies for so long

Why is /b/ so racist?

Why is /b/ so racist?

I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful black man and it really pisses me off when I see you guys using the "N" word all the time.

Are y'all just jealous that brothas know how to please women in ways you weak little white boys never will? You need to stop hatin cause you know you'd never say any of this to black folks in real life.

whyte ppl i hate u cuz

whyte ppl i hate u cuz

    1. u all racist
    2. u pale as hell
    3. u fuckin stupid
    4. u stereotype niggas cuz u all dumb
    5. ur fat
    6. u look like marshmallows
    7. u look like gluesticks
    8. u close minded
    9. u jus straight up bitch
    10. u make me sick
    11. u all like fishin for sum reason
    12. u all have dogs
    13. u think u a good race when u ain't even human
    14.u look ugly as hell
    15.u a disgrace
    16. u think u know bout niggas so much when u don't
    17. u all got faggot ass voices
    18. u speak like British ppl
    19. u all gay
    20. u have no place in hiphop so u shud stop listenin to it 

Wiimote threesome

Sup /b/, So I know what you're thinking, moar copypasta right? Nope, this really happened to me, like 30 minutes ago. So my parents are out of town for the weekend, and I figure I'll just stay up getting high and fapping. Later in the afternoon, I'm a little blazed and the doorbell rings. I figure the neighbor kid lost another ball over our fence, so I answer it. Turns out it's a couple girls I go to school with, they're both stone cold foxes. I tried asking one of them out the previous year, but it kind fell through. They say that they were bored and decided to drive over and say hi since they knew my parents were out of town. I'm still pretty stoned at this point, so I just kinda mumble and invite them in. I ask them what they want to do, then, since I've got these two hot chicks alone with me at my house, I try to act funny and say, "You two wanna come downstairs and play with my Wii?" It was funny to me at the time, but for some reason they just looked at each other and giggled. So we went downstairs and I started up Wii Sports, since it's easy to play.

I sit down on the couch and they both take a seat on either side of me. I hand them each a remote and instead of standing up to play, they snuggle up to me. I start em out on Tennis, and we're all sitting there laughing at their attempts to play. One thing that really get them is how the Wiimote vibrates when they hit the ball. After a few games one of them says that she can smell pot, and asks if I've got anymore. Imagine my luck, two hot girls wanna get high with me alone in my house. So we all take a few hits, and they're laughing harder than ever. We keep playing for a while, trying out different games, until one of them presses the Wiimote to her nipple as it vibrates. She does a real fake pornstar moan and laughs, but I can see her nipple standing out through the shirt. Right now, my dick is rock hard and almost poking out through my pants

I take the Wiimote and laughing with them say, "Watch" as I put it over my crotch and it vibrates. They think this is hilarious, but I can see that they've noticed my boner. One of them takes the Wiimote from me and does than same, except she's practically jamming the Wiimote into herself through her pants. So here I am, sitting in my basement while these two girls are practically fucking each other with my Wiimotes. I'm thinking, wow, how much better can this get?

Then the one on my right takes off her pants. She's not laughing, just smiling and saying "This thing is almost as good as what I use at home." My mouth is hanging open, and the other girl is just laughing and watching. We're in Tennis mode and she starts rubbing herself, moaning each time the remote vibrates.

Now the other girl takes my Wiimote and does the same, taking off her pants. This time, though, she goes right for it and jams the whole thing in herself. Without even thinking, I'm rubbing myself in my pants, almost ready to come. The first girl looks over at me and says, "What? Are you getting jealous?" With a smile she puts down the Wiimote and leans over, she takes off my jeans and my erection pops out through my boxers. She kneels in front of me, while the other girl starts kissing at my face. I was surprised I hadn't come already, I guess it was the weed slowing down my physical functions. All I see is her smiling face inching down to my rigid cock mouth agape, the other one is watching too, rubbing herself while she jams her tongue into my open mouth.

I feel her warm, moist mouth envelop my cock. I can tell she’s having trouble getting it all in, but the feeling is amazing. Slowly she works my cock in her mouth, wrapping her tongue around the head, licking it as he work in and out. The other girl pries herself away from my mouth long enough to grab the Wiimote and come up behind the brown haired girl, eagerly sucking away at my penis. She leans over and starts working the Wiimote in and out of her friends vagina, now dripping with fluid. She starts moaning while sucking my cock, imagine this sound, mouth full of my member and moaning loudly. I can feel myself reaching orgasm, I try to tell her, but my mouth won’t move, I’m lost in the heavenly sensation of her tongue and mouth. She pulls off just as I start to come and says, "Mmm, are you almost done? My mouth is getting-" She never finishes, I cum loads into her face, she gasps in surprise and more shoots into her mouth. She laughs and smiles, her friend still working the Wiimote in and out of her pussy, she licks the semen off her face as more spills out into her cleavage. Her friend pauses for a moment, just long enough to come around and lick the jizz of her breasts.

We fooled around for a bit longer after than, and eventually I showed them both how good I was at Wii Sports . . . among other things.

Women

Dear women:

SHUT YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING MOUTHS, CUNTS! YOU ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS! YOU ARE NOT SMART, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY! THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOOD FOR IS TO SHOW YOUR TITS AND ASS AND TO CARRY AROUND A FEW FUCKING HOLES THAT FEEL GOOD WHEN WRAPPED AROUND MY GODDAMN COCK!

That's right, all a women is is a vessel for a cunt, mouth and asshole that are just begging to get fucking filled with cock. Women are the useless skin around a cunt. Goddamn bitches, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES YOU! YOU'RE JUST A SEX TOY MADE OF MEAT FOR GUYS TO ENJOY! THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR EXISTANCE, TO BE USED LIKE A FLESHLIGHT WITH ARMS AND LEGS THAT MOANS! *THAT'S IT*

Your life is fucking worthless you goddamn sluts. Every day thousands of women around the world have their clits cut off, get raped and beaten.In the USA women get killed and raped daily, yet you fucking dumb cunts still spend all of your cash just to look pretty enough so one of us superior males will fuck your goddamn holes. YOU BITCHES LOVE COCK *THAT* MUCH AND YET YOU CRY WHEN A GUY GIVES IT TO YOU AND CALL IT RAPE? FUCK YOU! GO BACK TO SHOWING TITS AND GETTING FUCKED AND NEVER OPEN YOUR MOUTHS AGAIN... 'cept to take cock.

Worf and Troy

"Counselor Troy," Warf nodded, dutifully acknowledging the beautiful Diana as she entered mess hall. She turned her hair at him, but said nothing. She seated herself a table or so away from him, her back to his front.

They ate in silence for some time, but Warf would suddenly jerk from his food--what was that? He had heard a muffled, spluttering noise, a foul odor crept toward him moments later. He, sitting behind Diana, could see a deep brown stain spreading across the tight buns of her one-piece suit. He could see her arms held still at the table, posture rigid, he could smell fear(he could smell feces...) Diana was frozen in horror. No one else seemed to have noticed, ... yet.

She's afraid? Embarrassed? he pondered, suddenly. It was strange to feel for another, for a betazoid no less, they were strange creatures. Do I help her? What of her honor? It is not my place. But she is a woman? Warf loathes these emotions, this ambivalence! Arrgh. He erupts! He flips his table over, scattering food and dishes, Warf begins grunting and growling fiercely, barking in Klingon, pounding his chest, making such a scene, all eyes are on him...

Diana takes the cue and dashes for the exit, holding her hands over her buns as she hauls ass all the way back to her quarters. She showers and changes into a nice, fresh pair of stretchies. And she clasps her hands together in prayer, prayer to Warf, who in his own vile, animal way, had risked his honor to save her humiliation. She would never forget what Warf had done. Never.

Worst thing on the internet

Hello, /b/. Today, I have something to tell you that you may find interesting.

I have found…the worst thing on the internet.

No, it isn’t /b/. No, it isn’t meatspin or any of those other sites. It’s worse. Worse than BME Pain Olympics. Worse than 2g1c. Worse than the pain series on ED. Worse than anything you’ve ever seen.

You may be wondering, what could facilitate such hype? What could be so bad that it's worth mentioning on /b/?

I'm afraid you don't understand. It is...not of this world. I cannot imagine what would posses anyone to create such an...abomination. They say that a picture's worth a thousand words. Does this mean that more than a thousand words would be worse than a single picture? You’ve guessed correctly. IT IS A FANFIC. EVERY SHOCK SITE AND FUCKED UP VIDEO HAS BEEN EFFORTLESSLY BESTED BY A FANFIC.

Well, I suppose now you’re wondering just what the hell I’m talking about. Well…

…Candlejack.

Heheheh…Hahahaha…AHAHAHAHAH!

Sorry, but it looks like your luck has run out. Candlejack is coming to take away the only way to know what the worst thing on the internet is. But you may be wondering…why hasn’t he gotten me yet? How am I still typing? Well…

The rain pounded against the window, giving sound to the otherwise silent midnight. I stared blankly at my monitor, preparing to do what needed to be done. I swallowed any traces of fear or doubt I had left, and uttered the forbidden word…

“…Candlejack.”

It wasn’t long before a faint howling could be heard, followed by a black mist forming in the middle of my bedroom. From the mist emerged the demon himself...Candlejack. He reached for me, but I knew what to do already. I picked up my lapdesk and smashed him across the face. After being bashed, he was quick to recover. Forced meme that he was, amirite? Regardless, I had a chance to get his attention.

“Hey, we need to talk.”

“You dare speak to me? After speaking my forbidden name?”

“Calm down, I can make it worth your while.”

“Hmm…interesting. Of what do you speak, mortal?”

“I want to make a deal. I want you to not take me away…yet. Tomorrow night, at this time, I will post a message on 4chan. It will detail our encounter, as well as another message that I wish to convey to the internets. Of course, it will include mention of your name. When I say the word “goodbye”, you may do what you will.”

“I see. But what do you plan to offer in return?”

“Before I post the aforementioned message, I will post one that seems to be like any other message, though it will be cut off in a manner similar to, well, you know. At this point, everyone who reads the post will inadvertently say your name, referring to what must have happened. You’ll get many prisoners, and all you have to do is take me at a certain time. Do we have a deal?”

The sinister figure gave a horrible grin, highlighted by the dim light of the desk lamp.

Well, /b/, now you know. If you want to find the worst thing on the internet, you’ll have to find it on your own. So why’d I do it?

I did it so that there may always be hope for something more.

I did it for the ideal that we’ve never seen what the internets truly has to offer.

I did it…for the lulz.

Well, /b/...

Goodb

You fucking faggot retard

YOU FUCKING FAGGOT RETARD. I made one of those posts and neither of the others. Stop pretending you are a mod, or actually know shit about anything. You are such a fucking idiot. I love it when stupid faggot little dipshits with tiny dinks like you do those "Same person" line-ups and are totally wrong. Suck my big hairy cock you pathetic know-nothing little queer bait. I'll make you wear a fucking dress. What a stupid fag you are. hard to believe. Fag.

You guys are a bunch of sick fags

By: Officer Hutson Officer Hutson of the US Police (California) here. You know what, you think you're so funny with the whole Ashley Disdale shit you guys have going on? Yeah, try talk explaining this stuff to my 8 year old daughter. I know what it's like to be your age. I was there. Smoking pot, getting drunk, and throwing pranks on frats next-door. A real laugh. But one day you are going to wake up in a face full of puke, shit, piss, and seaman like I did and realize that you're just pissing your life away doing what? Nothing.

I came home to my daughter bawling and didn't understand why there were naughty pictures of her role model as well as completely disfigured and rotted corpses slewn across her favorite websites. Are you dicks proud of yourself? Are you? If I was there right now I'd curb-stomp your faces in, but thankfully the government should be doing that for me soon enough with all this net protection stuff they're doing. I just sure hope McCain gets elected so we can try to get more control on this internet.

I really hope this will eat you guys up one day when you finally wake up and realize what life is really about. Until then- Fuck you.

P.S. - I saw the HIV shit you guys were trying to pull. That's how I found you guys. I hope you enjoy the one or two sites it got on. Not even Wikipedia accepted your shit.

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