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Table of Contents

Intro

I used to get the looks. You know what I am talking about. People look at you when you walk by or enter a room and give you this look of contempt, of disgust, of repulsion. When you walk a flight of stairs, your head becomes a ripe Dutch tomato, and you're almost collapsing. You have to sit down to avoid a blackout. Now you look like a sardine in a tin box: rolls of fat are stretching your clothing. You can't turn to any side because your body fat is blocking your muscle movement. You can barely face someone when they talk to you, because you're ashamed of yourself. Everyone takes notice of you, but not in the way you would like. You don't have any emotional relationships, scared of hurting someone with your massive body. Instead of enjoying it, your body is the way. Food is the only refuge. It makes you feel good. No one can tell you what and how much you should eat. Finally home. Time to eat, time to feel good. Eat. Feel Good. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat.

The first step towards becoming a well-cultured Anonymous: Don't lie to yourself.

I hope that by the end of this page, you'll understand that the only person that can change you is yourself. It's not your parents, it's not your personal trainer, it's not peers, it's not your pet, it's not McDonalds, it's not the Internet, it's not your car. Only you can change yourself.

It's hard to come to grips with that. I know, because I went through the same delusions. I lied to myself. I blamed my weight problems on my mother's cooking. Later I realized that it's me who took seconds, it's me who lifted the spoon to my mouth, it's me who chewed, and it's me who swallowed. My mother didn't do these things. I did.

This guide won't change you. There's only so much advice to be dispensed from a wiki trolled by a couple of /b/tards. You can take this advice to heart and still not change. It's up to you to do.

Dieting

Your body is a machine. You take in food and drink and your body breaks it down into energy to make you function. If you are more interested, Wikipedia has a detailed discussion of this process [1]. Energy contents of foodstuffs is measured in kilojoules. Every person requires a different amount. It depends (roughly) on genetics, gender, build, height, age, and rate of metabolism.

You are fat because your intake is higher than your burnrate. So basically, you need to cut down more on your intake. That usually means eating healthier foods... to most people. Technically, whether a food is "healthy" or not, it contains a certain energy content that your body will take and store as fat. You must simply input less energy (if you only match your needs, you'll remain the same weight, not lose any.) One might say you're just a big-assed rubber bag.

You have to eat healthy if you want to lose the pounds. I don't expect the average /b/tard to completely change the way they eat. You don't need to go Granola-Fag to get healthy, it's just about making the right choices. This means making yourself a real dinner at night instead of going to get fast food. It means cooking a well balanced meal with protein, veggies, a portion of carbs, and something to drink THAT'S NOT SODA. It's about making the right choices for what your going to eat. It means not going for the greasy mushroom swish with onion rings/ Fries and a Coke for lunch, and instead going for that Chicken Caesar wrap. It means eating a small healthy breakfast with some fruit and a muffin instead of going with a Egg McMuffin and hash browns.

Also, don't try too hard to begin with. Starting a crazy diet, and quitting after a week achieves nothing. There's actually a really simple diet that you can do. Let me explain it. Right now, your weight is pretty stable. If this is the case, your caloric intake and burnrate must be pretty comparable. Now, let's say you start eating a tenth less food. Now, your caloric intake is 9/10 of of your caloric burnrate. You'll lose some weight. Now, you won't lose all of your fat, but you'll lose some. One step at a time. This is a really easy diet too. Eat the exact same foods as normal, just eat less of them. Leave a few fries behind, get the Whopper instead of the Double Whopper, etc. Now, this isn't the ideal goal diet, but it's a nice stepping stone into the dieting world.

It is important to remember when dieting that cutting back on foods does not mean skipping meals, not eating regularly will do damage to your body's metabolic rate and you will find that no matter how much effort you put into exercising you will not be losing weight as your body hastily stores the energy taken in through eating in fat, unsure of when it will next get a supply. Most dietitians recommend eating 5 meals a day, the standard 3 and 2 snacks in between, each of which should be consumed approximately 3 hours apart. By eating more regularly you avoid overeating due to excessive hunger, keep your metabolism working more efficiently, and allow the body to process energy better.

What To Eat.. And What Not To Eat

The easiest way to learn how to eat is to learn what not to eat. The whole problem with the majority of the world (See: America) is that we have gotten used to eating certain foods, confused as to what is "healthy" and what is not. Your average person associates foods such as white bread with healthiness- even though White Bread is the worst kind of bread you can eat. So, what is bad for you?

Stay Away From...

  • Sodas and "Soft Drinks"
Sodas and soft drinks are probably the fastest way to fatten yourself up. Full of sugar and carbs, even diet sodas can mess with your body. For you southerners, sweet iced tea is pretty bad for you; not only does the sugar in it make you fat, the tannins in the tea if consumed regularly can give you kidney stones. If you don't like the feeling of having your kidneys pulled through your peehole, cut back on it. Instead, go for sugar free flavored water or something- you need to avoid heavy sugar intake. Milk is great to have around, as it's not only incredibly good for you, but can be used in a variety of other things.
  • Candy and Desserts
Sugar was generally discovered by the majority of the world during the Colonization of America. And, no surprise, people began to get fat at that very point. Candy and Deserts are absolute no-nos. Some are okay (The occasional cookie or candy bar), but eating them on any kind of regular basis is detrimental. It makes you fat and ruin your teeth in ways you only thought possible on television.
  • Refined Flours
Refined Flours are flours that have been processed and bleached, removing the majority of "good" carbs and injecting it with bad. That especially includes "white flour", which is used in sandwich bread, most baking products (pie crusts, etc), and crackers. Stay away. Pillsbury and other companies make pretty damn good real wheat breads. Use those instead. Another alternative are multi-grain breads and rye breads, including Jewish rye. The best part of a ham sandwich on Jewish rye is the irony, trust me. The extra fiber from these breads will also keep your bowels in good shape.
  • "Heavy" Meats and Cheeses
Eating too much cheese or meat or other products along those lines is problematic, especially when fried or otherwise coated in something fattening. Eating meat and cheese is healthy, just not in excess. Remember to keep track of how many different "fats" are in a meat or cheese (Saturated, etc.). Generally the more processed something is, the more crap is in it.
  • Some "Meal Bars" and Diet Drinks
These actually contain an assload of sugar. Stay away.

And Eat A Fuckton Of...

  • Lean Meat
Lean meat is anything that has been slimmed down, the fat removed. You can even do this by hand by taking a sharp knife and just slicing off the extra fat. Lean meat is filling, full of protein, and doesn't put on much weight at all.
  • White Meats
A general Rule of Thumb about meats, is that the smaller the animal it comes from, the healthier it is for you. (some exceptions are made, but in general the rule holds). So in the grander scheme of things, you will notice that meats range from unhealthy to healthy in this order: Beef, pork, lamb, chicken, fish, and shellfish. What do you see to the latter parts of the list? They're all white meat. Fish contain a fuckton of proteins as well, as well as omega-3-fatty acids, which prevents memory problems later in life, plus fish is delicious, and not fattening at all. Shellfish contain a fuckton of zinc, (mostly oysters actually) which is necessary for men to maintain a healthy sex drive. Eat some oyster, fap, repeat. Protip: If you're eating bird, like chicken, make an effort and don't eat the skin. It's basically made out of cholesterol and clogs up your arteries overtime.
  • Wheat Bread
Wheat bread is VERY filling, and it doesn't even touch you so far as fat goes, as it has complex carbs. Munch away.
  • Dried Fruit
It's a lot better than it sounds- and it's very healthy. Stick with things like dates and apricots, and only occasionally dip into the high sugar area of dried pineapple and mango slices, or the high fat area of dried banana slices. Judge accordingly.
  • Vegetables
Yeah, they're hard to eat for us too. Generally they can be made palatable through boiling, healthy toppings, or a variety of sauces (again aim for the healthy side). Good cheap veggies include carrots (big and finger size), broccoli, asparagus (or better yet fuck both of those and go with the Hybrid Brocolli-Asparagus), peas, cauliflower, and those prepackaged bags of salad at the grocery store.
  • Nuts and Berries (And NO Cream) (Including Granola mixes)
So long as there is no added sugar, nuts, berries, and granola mixes are incredibly filling and lean. This is the perfect snacking food.
  • Sugar Free Drinks
From sugar free lemonade to sugar free Tang, it's an all-you-can-drink buffet (just make sure you avoid some "artificial sugars". Not all of them are bad for you, but there are certain types which quite possibly could be less than healthy for you. Research and read the ingredients list if you're paranoid). Also, if you look hard enough, you can find some pretty good store made stuff (Such as Arizona Diet Green Tea with Honey and Ginseng). If your willing to spend a lot of money, "Natural drinks" at "health" stores can be a great way to get your drink on (so long as you don't fool yourself into buying over-priced goods). That said, you should check the nutrition label beforehand, because even those healthy looking tea drinks can hide a shitload of calories.
  • Eggs and Milk
This is really good, especially if you're into bodybuilding. Never eat too much- but a little each day is the perfect energy boost that never touches your waistline.
  • Green Tea
Green tea is really fucking good for you. Not only does it have many health benefits such as anti-cancer, anti-aging, and anti-Alzheimer's properties, it is also good for your skin, and keeps your metabolism running at an all time high, enabling more fat burn. Proof: there are substantially fewer fat fucks in Asia than there are in America, and they eat babies and other shit Americans would consider fattening.
  • For The Of-Age /B/tards: Red Wine
Wine has a very rich history and perhaps even richer variety, its hard to find two wines that taste exactly the same, and even in the same label, each year's wine will taste different from another year's. Simply put - you cannot be a cultured Anonymous without knowing at least a thing or two about wine. Read more books about it to learn more. Red wine in particular is filled with anti-oxidants and tannins. Both of these are really fucking good for your heart. Just look at French people, I know, I know, they're a bunch of war losing pussies but think about it, the French are known for being heavy smokers, and eat more meat and cheeses than Americans do, and yet, their annual rate for heart disease is paradoxically low. This is not a coincidence as French people produce and consume an ungodly amount of wine per year.

Easy Stress-Free Ways To Cut Down On The Pounds

One of the hardest things to do in dieting is to cut foods you love. Well, there are some easy substitutes you can pull off to get around those nasty little splurges, as well as curb your appetite. Try some of these replacements if you ever feel in the need:

  • Stay away from fast food, all of it is terrible for you and I shouldn't even have to tell you this. Even Subway, whose commercials spout its healthiness, can be as bad as McDonald's unless you get your sandwich without mayo and cheese (in which case it may be worthwhile).
  • Avoid artificial sweeteners and "Diet" sodas like the plague. Though many believe that they are "better" for you, they actually take longer to be broken down in your body. If your going to have a soda or sweeten your iced tea, have a regular soda or use normal sugar.
  • Drink at least 2 quarts of water a day, not including drinks at meals. Water weight is a large part of fat for most people. Convince your body that you have enough water and the water weight goes away.
  • Replace chips and dip with Triscuits and Hummus. Hummus is a bean-like dip that tastes damn good and has no high level of fat. Your friends will make fun of you, but it's good all the same.
  • Eat Thin Crust pizza rather than hand tossed. Thin crust has about 10 grams of fat less per slice, making it actually pretty healthy for you.
  • Don't drink alcohol. No, seriously. Alcohol is very fattening, especially beer. You can exploit women better when you're sober anyway. More simply, alcohol will be burned before fat when your body needs to do an effort, so the more alcohol in your blood, the less fat will go away. But you will be sober.
  • Use wheat pasta rather than normal pasta. It tastes the same, and it doesn't have the bad carbs.
  • Try to buy organic things. Organic sauces such as Spaghetti Sauce have less sugar, and are thus healthier. It's not like they're sweet anyway.
  • Try to avoid game food such as Duck (Rabbit, however, is a completely fat free meat, eat away). They are much fattier. You only run into them in fancy restaurants- and though they are good, they are incredibly fatty. You won't be eating much of these foods anyway, trust me.
  • Stop eating ramen and Cup Noodles. They contain an insane amount of fat. Rather, go for spaghettis or leaner stuff, which are just as filling and up to five times less fattening. And ease up on the butter and olive oil when you cook the noodles.
  • Don't eat crackers with soup or salads. Even Saltine crackers contain fat.
  • Skip the Fries or Onion Rings when you get a fatty meal. If you're going to have something unhealthy, don't kill yourself entirely while doing it.
  • Eat before you go to the grocery store. You will have less incentive to buy fatty foods.
  • Eat before you to go to parties or on a date. You will have less incentive to chow down, and more incentive to talk.
  • Make your own lunch for work/school/others. not only can it be cheaper, but at least you choose what you will eat and you can monitor what's in it, while some selfs have some evil food in stock for you.
  • Never keep enough cash on you to buy some junk food, sometimes having money makes you want to buy something, and if your stomach happens to be insulting you, you'll get some crap.

Further reading

The Hacker's Diet

Bibliotheca Anonoma

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