The following article is dedicated to Frank William Abagnale, Jr., the most badass guy in the god damn universe.
Before I get into writing this article, I must warn you: the following stuff I am about to teach you is immoral, and most importantly, illegal in many ways. Running around with a fake driver's license can get you in hot shit- especially if you use it when you're caught. Everything in this article requires skill and cool nerves- if you fuck up, don't blame us. This is for educational purposes only- basically, don't blame us when you fuck up.
The concept of deceit
Deceit (and Impersonation/Fraud) is the concept of misleading people in order to gain something- usually monetary or sexual bonuses. Ever since people have existed, people have been tricking and misleading each other- and thus, it's become more of an art. Of course, it's a dangerous art, even the best practitioners never being absolutely perfect (and most of the most flagrant criminals being caught), so doing it is constantly playing with fire.
So, before we go on, let's quickly get an idea of what Deceit is and is not:
Deceit, Fraud, and Impersonation are ways to do things semi-anonymously to get things from stupid people.
For those of you who are slow, this means a few things:
- Deceit is NOT a way to make a living, nor a way you can constantly live. It is impossible to hide yourself for very long, especially in the very technologically empowered society we live in.
- You may only do things semi-anonymously. It is a given that if you are going to pull off anything other than a prank, you will need to come up with a false identity.
- Smart people are no longer fooled by impersonations. It is generally somewhat impossible to pull off something on people who have more connections and intelligence than you. Store employees can be tricked, for example, but don't expect to fool the Military.
So, do keep in mind, this kind of stuff is a dying art. Theoretically, if any country (namely the US, where I am writing this) begins to ID people with a nationwide ID card or chip, we may see the complete death of this art (at least, until we hack the systems). A smart heist master will know that the art is dying and only do it for fun and giggles, and realize that big trickery is nearly impossible now unless you have a lot of money/time- and if you're reading this article, you probably don't have the skill to do it anyway.
Part One: Hiding and Impersonating
A lot of times, you will find yourself in a position where you must impersonate or hide yourself from major attention. For example, I have found that one of the most enjoyable things to do in my free time on weekends is go to major "big box" stores and cause problems- and see what I can do without being noticed. Surprisingly, you can do a lot with this- even so far as to impersonating employees at high-traffic areas (See: Ambercrombie and Fitch, which didn't even notice my impersonation even when I went behind the counter).
Lesson 1: Be Aware of Your Surroundings
First off (and most importantly), you need to know where you're going and what your intentions are. Don't walk into a location (from now on, we'll use a store example) blindly and expect to "figure it out". Even the best criminals have to "case out" an area before they go there.
In general, "casing out" an area involves finding out the following
- Figuring out entrances, exits, and known problem areas (places where cameras watch obsessively)
- Getting an idea of the kind of people there- how employees are dressed/act, how customers behave, popular places, etc
- The general operating procedure of the area- for example, in a store, what employees do on a regular basis
- General problems, such as active guards (lol) or police
That should give you at least a very rudimentary idea of what's going on in a general area. If you know that information, you can generally do your basic kind of work- look like a customer (not hard), impersonate staff (sometimes dangerous), or even go into hidden areas and do complex stupid shit (like going into an employees only section and messing with the sound system- VERY dangerous).
From there, you need to adapt how you act to the situation. For example, local IGAs (Independent Grocery stores) typically have red polo shirts on with the "IGA" logo on them. Obviously, unless you have the ability to order these locally (or have a good friend in the embroidery business), you will be stuck wearing something similar and pretending to be a new hire. It actually works rather well, too- by playing the "new guy", you'll find people will inadvertently teach you things to copy- but that's a whole other topic.
The way I find to be the best to act is to keep a mental "map" of where employees/guards are at any given time. For example, in certain stores, you can generally get an idea of "this employee stays around this computer" or something similar, and then adapt yourself to that. Even better, it typically gives you an idea of where employees are NOT- such as lower traffic areas (for example, in Best Buy, the "small" non-flat panel TVs typically get no employee attention ever). This is fairly easy to think of, but many people find other ways to get around this (like actually drawing out a map before they go)- so adapt yourself to how you like to think.
Lesson 2: Speak softly and carry a big stick
Okay, let's say you're all staked out- that is, you're in your location acting like who you want to be. But how do you act? What are the general rules of how to operate? The simple answer is, there is no "magical answer" to your problems- that is, no matter where you are, you always will have to adapt and be a bit different. However, there are some general rules you can follow to not get caught- and hey, that's the big idea, isn't it?
RULE 1- Speak softly and carry a big stick.
The famous line by Teddy Roosevelt, this is the concept of "not running your god damn mouth and making yourself seem important", at least in the impersonation world. A lot of people make the very common mistake of running their mouths and over-acting, which gets them caught 99.9% of the time- which basically makes them useless. Very intelligent impersonators (the ones that never get caught) know that sometimes silence is the key to getting places- because the more you talk, the more you reveal. There's nothing wrong with pretending to be "the shy guy" when you do this kind of thing.
As well, this carries a corollary- make yourself important to the point of being unapproachable. For example, would you walk into a restaurant as a fake employee at a busy time, it is highly unlikely they will take the time about checking if you're officially in the system, especially if you pretend that "the boss" (who BETTER NOT BE THERE WHEN YOU TRY THIS) just hired you. Don't ever put yourself in a situation where they can take you to the back room and interrogate you- that's exactly where you will fail.
RULE 2- Leave before you fuck up.
Feeling nervous? One of your god damn stupid friends just yell out your name? Leave. There is no shame in just getting the fuck out before shit crashes on you. The absolute worst thing you can do is try to overstay your time in an area, either to feel "manly" or just to feel like you're causing more of a burn. Like I mentioned above, giving people ample time to figure out who you are is the exact opposite thing of what you want to do. Just leave.
RULE 3- Impose Thyself
Unless you're just trying to pretend to be a peon employee, the unwritten rule is to always "gift" yourself authority. For example, if I was to go prank Old Navy, I'd go and pretend to be a regional inspector of some kind, and demand to be shown around the store. Why? Because people aren't going to reproach someone who can get them fired or give them a raise.
This also applies to your personality. Don't be wishy-washy or stupid. Go up to someone and just say "I'm a new hire, where's my weapon?" or something to that equivalent. When you're faking employee-dom, it gives you kudos with your "boss". When you're working with women, it tends to make them feel dominated- which is a turn on.
RULE 4- Calm the fuck down.
This should really be number one: Calm down. Too many people mess up because they get nervous and cause something to go wrong. So long as you aren't doing anything illegal, nothing can be done to you for impersonating an employee- so just have fun with it. Relax. If you get caught, consider it a life lesson, and never do it there again. Laugh at people who yell at you. An invincibility complex helps in this respect- you just need to understand that if you didn't do anything illegal, no-one can arrest you.
Lesson 3: Have Fun
The best way to learn stuff like this is to do it without doing it illegally. Believe it or not, running around working for companies without being hired isn't illegal or anything like that- in fact, it'll just confuse the hell out of people if they catch you. You can't be arrested for doing it, and what people don't realize is that it sometimes plays to your favor more than they realize (For example, you can pick up girls really fast this way, even though the whole keeping-the-act-up thing becomes more of a pain).
When you're having fun, just remember that you need to keep cool and a level head. The main problem with doing stuff like this tends to be your emotions- and so long as you remember that everything is for shits and giggles, it shouldn't be an issue.
Oh yeah, and before you run off to your local store and begin hitting on girls behind the counter, remember one key thing:
DO NOT STEAL OR CAUSE PROBLEMS.
I know this is the perfect way to steal or do shit, but that's not the concept. Stealing is for fucking immigrants and niggers, and it won't get you anywhere in life- you get caught too many times. Nor does vandalizing anything or anything of that nature for the very same reason.
Look, I know it's tempting. I could have probably stole about one million dollars worth of merchandise from various stores I've faked employment at. However, I didn't, and that's saved my ass numerous times. Stealing/vandalizing is the difference between the boss laughing and patting you on the back and throwing you in jail. Realize this, and you can have a lot more fun with life.