I am related to 1
Table of Contents
I'm an alien who implanted a piece of metal in >>1's body.
The other day I visited the earth, abducted >>1 as a sample of the earthlings. I tampered with his body to gather data of the earthlings.
But I made a terrible mistake.
>>1's fat body is a nonstandardized article as an earthling.
He is unemployed, and on top of that he has no friends.
All day long he is sitting in front of the personal computer, clattering clattering, clattering the keyboard.
I am fed up with this job.
Boss from mother planet yelled at me for this failure.
He said, "Select your specimen more carefully!"
This is the first penalty I get since I have been assigned to The Earth Observation Party.
The human mutilation is not easy task.
Next year I am demoted to the charge of the cattle mutilation.
I am just about to go to The Area 51.
As for >>1, I leave him entirely up to you. Do as you like.
We are >>1's courtiers. We are sorry that our lord has opened such a stupid THREAD.
After the last war we had completely lost, our lord got mental illness. Everyday, he kidnaps girls from the village. Every night he gets drunk
and tries to chop courtiers with his katana.
Now the lady of the house is ill in bed. The people in our country are suffering badly from famine. The neighboring Daimyos is taking advantage of this situation, they try to pass across the border and take over our land.
Quite a few of our fellow courtiers have intention to rise in rebellion.
We are now in dire straits. Our clan would be destroyed.
But, don't worry. We arranged that our Lord become a Buddhist priest.
In his way to the temple, our skilled assassin should take his life.
That is arranged perfectly. After that we will hail Master Monaminokami, the nephew of our lord, as our new lord. We, all courtiers, would do our best to serve this new lord with faith.
We apologize for any inconvenience our lord may have caused you.
Pleas wait for a while. Pleas forgive the evil deeds done by our lord.
It was all too cruel and beautiful >>1's last figure.
Early morning of august 16th 2001, >>1was found at a small church in Gifu city,
coffined still body with nothing on.
The altar of the church was decorated with >>1's photo and flowers,
and >>1's naked dead body without an underwear had made-up face, wearing the cross around the neck,
decorating with roses of various colors, laid to the black coffin was placed in the front of the alter.
The scene likes as if it had a funeral ceremony of >>1 until a while ago.
>>1's photo, offered flowers, and more importantly,
stone-cold cadaveric stiffening >>1's naked body decorated with flowers told us this case was uncanny.
And a sticky plastic case thrutched into vagina of >>1's dead body,
then be left responsibility claim of >1's murder inside the case,
it said "Consecrating her beautiful body and soul, >>1 has gone to be with God. I will say a mass for
soulless >>1's body left on the earth…"
Letting know about >>1 was found dead, >>1's parents, young sister and brother went to the PD, and met with >>1's body in dead silence.
Young sister Ayami longed for >>1, she hanged on >>1's naked dead body with sinister made-up face,
she keened "Big sis!", and she didn't want to get off.
After that, dissecting >>1's body found the artificial presumption time of death was might be on or about
9:00 pm, August 14th;
shocked myocardium by injected air was death of >>1.
>>1's body had left traces of binding by rope strongly, so >>1 was bound tightly for losing motor control after being stripped naked,
and >>1 died an agonizing death by injected air through an artery in left arm.
The traces of the act and wounded VC, it was easily imagined that >>1's vigorous resistance and screaming just before killed,
screaming of her "NOOOOO! Stop it! I don' wanna die! HELP MEEEEE!"
and groaning of her "Urghhh...! HELP MEEEeeee..." at the very moment of death,
it seemed coming from >>1's dead body;
behind the made-up face of >>1 setting in peace done before turned to cadaveric stiffening.
I am an exorcist who drove out an evil spirit from >>1.
I'm very sorry >>1 had started this thread.
I apologize if this thread has hurt your feelings.
Normally >>1 is a kind boy who could not harm even a fly.
But one day, out of curiosity >>1 played Kokkuri-san.
He may have done it only for fun, but his curiosity affected his fate.
What occurred to >>1? An evil spirit possessed him.
>>1 was no longer what he had been.
Everyday, with raising a strange cry, >>1 would urinate, defecate, or wound himself suddenly.
Then >>1 would sit at the personal computer in his room obsessively, devote himself completely to destroying bulletin boards.
His parents were completely at a loss what to do with their son, asked me to exorcize the devil from >>1.
I rushed to >>1's home and what I saw was a horrible sight.
>>1's whole body was covered with scars. He gave off a bad smell.
>>1 was muttering "Mansei, Mansei" in a low voice.
Right away, with uttering an incantation, I sprinkled Holy water on >>1.
An ordinary devil would have gone away at this point.
But this one was hard to defeat. At the end I was yelling at it, rather than uttering an incantation.
After the struggle I had succeeded in driving out this devil from >>1.
Now peace had returned to his family.
I believe >>1 will never behave eccentrically, nor start a thread like this.
To the readers of my letter, let me give you some advice, though it may be superfluous. It would be better to keep away from Kokkuri-san and the like.
I am >>1's fin funnel.
I am terribly sorry that my pilot has created such a thread as this one.
He really is a good person, but he's been under a lot of stress lately.
Lately, he has been screaming "THIS SENSATION, IS IT CHAR!?" every time he sees something red,
And mumbling "please lead me" every time he sees a young girl.
Just the other day, he ordered me to "shoot down the biggest dumbass in this region."
I wanted to reply, "that would be you,"
But knowing that >>1 was even more tired than I was of fighting, I couldn't say anything.
This prolonged war is to blame for everything.
It's not >>1's fault.
I posted today because I just wanted to ask for everybody's understanding in this matter.
I am terribly sorry that a mere fin funnel has made such excuses.
Please, continue to treat >>1 well.
For those who make use of this thread
Now you are in the habitat of >>1.
>>1 sometimes reveal his brutality.
Keep out to >>1 and never let >>1 near you.
Follow the cautions below to avoid >>1's hazard.
To keep off from >>1, you are ought to follow this:
１．Obey watchman's instructions.
２．Always be with your group. Independent action is very dangerous
３．Don't walk around in early morning, dawn, naight, and fog.
It's a time for >>1 to get active.
４．Be sure to have a whistle, a horn or a bell with you.
５．Don't leave your leftover foods.
In case of encounting with >>1, you have to know that:
１．Don't run away from >>1 alone. Glare against >>1 with all of your group members.
Running away from >>1 is equal to suicide.
２．If you get chased by >>1, drop your belongings one after another to >>1 as you run.
３．Don't try to take back your things which >>1 get from you.
Or else you are going to be killed.
４．Don't use firecracker. It will frighten >>1 and make things worse.
If you need to be close to >>1 for researches or taking pictures,
watch >>1 from the promnade. Don't feed him to call.
The Environment Agency of Hokkaido
I grabbed your IP code with the help of a hacker,
who is one of the best five hackers in Osaka, who is a drink-friend of my friend.
I already know your name, age, and the name of the school you go,
so I'll send you an agent who is distant-kinfolk of my father's acquaintance
in his company.
And it's too late to make an apology to me.
I tell you what, >>1. Our crew did an extensive search.
Then, we have found out her, your mother.
One of us told her "Are you >>1's mother? He has made a thread at '4-ch'
and he's brought a ruckus to all of them."
She replied, "My boy brings a ruckus to the 4-ch!?"
then she collapsed and shed tears.
She also said that she would to like to post some her words at '4-ch'
right then. But she was not in the condition to do that.
She suffered from her wrist injury.
She asked us to tell you she would keep on reading your posting at '4-ch'
thereafter, she was not able to follow her words. She sobbed bitterly.
>>1, you now know how she feels. Quit talkin' trash, get it?
You know what you oughta do next? Apologize to all for all that you've done.
You are the man. You'll do it.
To solve our doubt why >>1 started such a thread like this,
we went to Gunma prefecture of his hometown.
"Is there a place like this in Japan still?"
I said those words unconsciously,
but was blamed for the rudeness by my boss who was going together.
The small house like that a little man can live,
The farmer who wear only dirty clothes,
and They had been watching us who were smart.
Because high economic growth, Sinbu prosperity, Olympic and so on,
We were in happy spirits, but now again we regreted the situation of the farm.
In the broken house was only his old mother.
As soon as she saw us, as if she knew everything,
She apologized many times with her tears ,
"I'm sorry that my son troubled everyone."
At this time , We thought to forgive >>1 at first.
Not anyone was hurt, only the poverty of the farm village was most worst.
With a dried persimmon that we receive from >>1's mother,
We left for home deeply shocked and distressed.
I'm 25 years old.
I had been ordering Gyu-salmon set,but had changed my mind and have ordered Oomori-neginuki
and Gyoku for 2 month, and I finally succeeded in marked by the clerks.
Challenge one time.
If you order something which is in menu, you can get Beni-syoga as much as you like.
The families coming only for the purpose of eating at discounting at 150-yen are ridiculous,
and if their father order Tokumori right before his four family's very eye bravely,
his dignity will be twice.
When you have little money,you only have to order Nami-mori with Tuyudaku.
There are much foods, for example, Oshinko,salad of fresh vegetables, and Misoshiru.
So I recommend here earnestly!!
I am a roundworm living in >>1's body.
I am sorry >>1 sad opened this worthless THREAD.
>>1 is a born loser, but he has a big appetite, seldom wash his hands, always be filthy. That made >>1's body our paradise.
Thanks to >>1, I have grown up to 2.2 meters long.
But one day, >>1 had bad diarrhea because he was teased on 4-CH.
>>1 washed away my little brother Kenta from his bowels. Poor Kenta! He was only eight centimeters long then.
Normally >>1 has enough nourishment to feed me and all my brothers and sisters.
I don't want to see my little sister Haruna lament the loss of other family member.
Ladies and gentlemen, >>1 is a good-for-nothing fellow, indeed, but please be kind to him.
I'm Kasumi Aso, being in charge of >>1's class.
>>1 suddenly said to me that he wanted to start up ESS club, when ot was almost end of
the second grade.
But >>1 couldn't make it because not only he coudn't gather his fellows but also that his
efforts for the local high schools' English speech contest had ended up with meanless
winning of a consolation prize. And from those times on, he began to absent school.
I knew from one of my pal that >>1 had bought a PC thru her, but never imagine to see such his aufull status.
I wondered what he had been doing, so went to >>1's home to see him with his two of
classmates, Hikaru and Takumi. We met >>1's mother, who look dreadly tired.
"Sorry but could we hear what is goin on to him?"
"My son has been cloistered himself up in his room for quite a days, never has coming
down to here to eat the meals. Both of my husband and I don't know what to do to him,
when ever we try to talk to him, he roar us saying "Don' bother me asshole!"．．．"
She sobbed down to the floor. We took it as a permission and went to his room.
">>1, open here. I'm Kasumi."
"Shut up you moron! Go home!"
And very next moment, we heard terrible sound of "Crush!", like he throw a vase or
something at the door.
We saw each others' eyes, and broke into his room with power of three.
What we saw were his totally messed room with trashes, panphlet ads for studying abroads and
Conversation schools, text books for radio English conversation program "yasabiji",
other reference books, collection books of problems, English newspapers and western horny
magazines which must be too difficult for >>1, a postal card that telling his failure to
Eiken exam,,, Above all, ripped documents in half, something like a bulletin of information
for TOEFL test attracted my eyes.
We saw degenerate room, in corner of which he had been weeping at the PC desk.
While two of his friends, Takumi and Hikaru was calming >>1 down, I was absorbed into
the monitor, which reflected 2channel. What I'd seen was English bord, which I've seen
very often. The opened thread was this, "＜Title of the thread here＞" .
Obviously that thread must be build by >>1, I could tell with its contents.
"You can do nothin cause you can do nothin" is oftenly pasted AA.
This, >>1, might be the one,,, I thought to myself for a second but, I keep my sane
to talk with him.
We understood that this >>1, was told that If he could go study abroad to US or somewhere,
she won't mind to be his girl friend, adding that she would think it's imposible because
he is AWOL from the girl he love, Kotoko Minaduki. That was the reason he wanted to go
study abroad. But he wasn't cool enough to understand her words were none other than a
curse, meaning "Drop dead you digusting shit!"
That's why he had wanted your help on this board, the 2ch English.
You'll find enough good reasons to give you sincere advices here, I'm afraid.
Now I want to show my deepest apologize to all of you on this English board here,
as his teacher. I promise I'll keep my eyes on him and never let him build such
crap thread. I'm terribly sorry.
・・・Disgusting! >>1 is making fool of me taking me as just a kind of Japanese
language teacher. He should know I'm good at English too.
>>1 has opened this splendid THREAD. Thank you very much, >>1.
I'm most honored to see a THREAD opened by a respectful person as >>1.
I respect >>1 very much. I will tell my children and grandchildren about >>1's exploit.
Whenever I read this THREAD, I feel better as if my whole body is purified.
I wonder why a nice person like >>1 is not invited to the garden party.
I respect >>1 very much.
Take care, and please watch over us.
Thank you again for this lovely THREAD.
We are >>1's unused brain parts. We're sorry that >>1 totally missed the point of this thread. We tried to warn the cut&paste lobe, but it went brazenly on, totally missing the point of the thread in its zeal to post a years-old piece of stupidity that has been totally drained of funny and is now a dried out husk of stupidity. In fact, we unused lobes suspect that the cut&paste lobe may have been trying to be ironic in posting something that was both unfunny and off-topic.
We are currently attempting to reroute bloodflow through >>1's brain so that the more intelligent parts can once again take command and make >>1 into a valuable member of society.
Wish us luck. Godspeed!
>>1 could stand, >>1 could stand.
The happy voice of the girl echoed in the mountains of Alps.
Lottenmyer who was the tutor,
was viewing from a distance, and also ran to >>1;
(it is impossibe for him to have a pen forever).
He was sentenced by a doctor, since that he closed his mind;
that >>1's fingers are now moving! They are typing!
Is this the favor of grand nature of Alps?
Or Is this the miracle prodeced by friendly heart of her inoccence ?
(Good enough ...)
One of the staff whispered;
We came Alps to question why >>1 has stood the thread like this
but Compared with this miracle in front of us,
that is no longer problem;
With the goat's cheese that We was presented from a shepherd, Beter,
We was going on the way home...
I'm Mari Yaguchi, being shadowed by >>1 here.
I've felt somehow odd feeling so I came here, and just as I had expected,
>>1 had set up a thread like this.
Oops, sorry, this won't be understood to all of you here.
To tell you the truth, I've been tailed by >>1 since a half of year ago.
It's difficult to explain his stickiness and disgustingness in a word, so I mention to
one insident that gave me big impression. it's a story about a package from >>1.
Inside of it, there was a small, opaque bottle and a message card
written with distorted letters.
"Marippe, drink a lot of milk, unless you couldn't grow tall."
To be honest, even this was a little revolting already, I was frightend to give a opening
the cap of it. From that uncapped bottle, nauseating, squidy smell started to give off.
By peeking in the bottle, just as I thought, I found a white, thick liquid in it.
I often say that "geeks are nauseating" in a roundabout way, but it doesn't mean all of you,
except for >>1. I want you to understand that really, please.
Because I'm being an Idle as my job, so it has been hesitated to speak clearly, but I can't
stand this anymore, so let me tell that:
"Hey,>>1! U r really odious and smelly! Or how come U r wearing T-shirt of Minimoni?
It's not the matter of it fits or not, it's on the same level of nuclear contamination
U idiot! U r just makin' images of Minimoni down U C? No one would be sad even if you died,
and thast's the only good deed U could, so never hesitate, just die quickly."
Ah...I'm refreshed by speaking what I've been wanted to, thank you very much everyone.
From this time on, too, I, Mari Yaguchi, is going to do my best in the Morning Musume..
Everybody, root for me. -kiss-
Hi, everybody. I am >>1's cell phone. Nice to meet you.
I am writing this message via Imode.
My owner did a stupid thing again. He has made this thread.
I have to apologize to you guys for him. I really mean it.