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Antonizoon edited this page Aug 13, 2014 · 3 revisions

i fell asleep at my desk and no one woke me up to tell me it was time to go home i drank a bottle and a half of wine last night and slept through my substitute assignment for today my only escape from endless self-inflicted emotional abuse comes from baiting people i care about into cracking jokes at my expense I waited in line for 5 hours to get a brand new xbox 360, something ive wanted for a long time. They ran out one person ahead of me, but thats ok because ill save the money and maybe play at a friends house I bought a puppy today for my kid, i figured it would be a bonding experience since i only can see him a few times a month. He let the puppy out the door and it died but thats ok i didnt want the responsibility I gave the cute girl at work a mix tape but I guess she doesn't have a tape deck because I found it in the wastebasket, but maybe I can work overtime for a few weeks and buy a CD burner and put it on a CD instead i blew off the one attractive and somewhat stable girl that has pined for me for years in favor of a meaningless fling with an overweight ex-girlfriend that tried to slash my throat with a razor I keep calling my girlfriend a 'cunt' and a 'self-hating whiny bitch' even though I love her and could not imagine life without her i bought a gun i hate my job and i';m going to die alone and unloved I drilled a hole in my wall so I could see into my neighbor's kitchen, she sometimes has people over and they seem so happy, I like to watch them eating dinner and pretend I'm their friend sometimes, on the bus, I stare at the back of the head of the person in front of me and pretend I'm them, and what a wonderful and superior life I would have if I was just them and not myself I started keeping track of all the people i can call my pals by writing their names down and a few facts about them so when i bump into them again sometime i can strike up a decent conversation and maybe get a few smiles there aren't a lot of cars that come down my street, so sometimes i like to walk to the bridge over the interstate and think about all the different places those people might go I've come to terms with the fact that the small but reoccuring desire to shoot my brains out will never truly leave the back of my mind sometimes i think i'm just a bunndle of sticks wearing a coat like in that yeats poem Sometimes at work I go into the bathroom and cover my face with my sweatshirt to muffle my crying, I wouldn't want people to hear me and get uncomfortable you remind me of your mother when you cry like that I've never had sex with a girl I've kissed and I've never kissed a girl I've had sex with I can't play guitar but I bought one anyway so that on the off chance I actually have someone over at my apartment they might think I'm artistic some of the girls at work asked me to go out for drinks with them but I found out they were joking, but it was a pretty funny joke I guess Sometimes when im lonely i play with me hair and imagine how beautiful the day could be if i could just hold someone in my arms if only for a moment I'm putting off getting my driver's license because if I fail the test I would have wasted the instructor's time for my birthday my grandma knitted me a small afghan out of colorful yarn, and she also got me a card from the nursing home gift shop that has an orange kitten sitting in a field of bright yellow flowers, inside in shaky handwriting she wrote "Hapy[sic] Birthday to My Favorite Oldest Grandson" and signed it with both her first and last names; this was six months ago and i stil haven't sent her a thank you note or in any way acknowledged that she is still alive I found out some of the girls at work call me "scary jerry" but that's pretty flattering because they almost know my name (my name is jared) the last time i ran out of liquor i walked to the 24 hour safeway at 12:30 am and bought taka vodka (it puts the ahhh in vodka) one time i accidently killed a kitten when i was 5 and i remember my friend kerry telling me "you killed that kitten" and that's all i can remember about being 5 years old sometimes i feel so alone but i know that everyone has a place in the world and i dont lack for food or shelter so maybe it is just my place to be alone and i have to make peace with myself the physical and emotional abuse i suffered early in life resulted in reticence and fear being the dominant features of my personality last year my friend called me at the last minute saying he had an extra ticket for some concert but i told him i couldn't go. actually i did want to go but i would have felt guilty taking the free ticket I wonder if I can hire people to show up at my funeral so my parents won't be disappointed at the low turnout, but my dad's a pretty busy guy so it's probably a moot point i've been thinking about getting a second job as a janitor because i'm pretty good at cleaning things up, and at some places you get to have a uniform with your name tag on it When my two year old puppy died in 2nd grade, the school kids told me that there is no heaven for dogs. I cried and cried but they never stopped teasing me. But that's ok - I know there's a wonderful place up there for my puppy to go, just like there's a happy place up there for me. I like to delude myself into thinking Santa exists because then it's like I'm not the only person in my appartment all year i try to order things online as much as possible because i'm afraid the cashier would look at the things i'm buying and try to guess what my personality is like from that, and it would probably be completely wrong that episode of futurama with the dog makes me sad because my dog died while i was away at school and i never got the chance to say goodbye, which doesnt matter because he wouldnt understand and just thought that i had left forever, just like every time i left i outwardly show contempt for my friends with less intellectual persuits than me but inwardly i envy their ability to get laid now and then on fridays i take out my condom and leave it on the counter just incase i ever get a call but its been a few years now and im starting to lose hope i've never been to a funeral or a wedding but im pretty sure which one will be my first i bought a membership to a gym but there's lots of strong people there so i don't think i'll go because i don't want to get in their way My mother used to always tell me to find happiness in the simple things in life. I always remember her telling me that. When things wouldn't go my way, I would just go to the park and watch the fathers play with their kids and the dogs run wild and free. When my brother told me I was the reason mom got sick and left us, I just went outside and watched the birds soar through the sky. What freedom they have. i will not be the poast after the page snype four times a row in this thread I'd love to have sex again more than ever but ever since the last time I can't really see girls as beautiful and nice, only as hurtful and plotting sometimes i ask why, why wasn't i born with two arms like all the other children. then i feel greedy. sometimes i dream about the girl i loved in high school and then i wake up in the middle of the night and just stare into the darkness until morning sometimes i feel angry because she won't talk to me anymore but then i put myself in her shoes and almost understand he one time i went out with friends for the whole weekend in the last 3 months i came home on sunday night and my plant had died sometimes when i step out of the shower i see a creepy person staring at me but it turns out just to be my relection in the mirror I spend most of my Mondays sneaking into large lecture classes at my local state university. The classes are so big no one ever seems to notice an extra student or two. My favorite part is when everyone breaks into discussion groups. I get to talk and talk and everyone just listens to me and writes down the answers as I tell them. It's so nice to have people listen so closely to you. I used to walk around town at night on weekends and watch people having parties and laughing and having fun and going to bars, but I've stopped doing that because now I have a girlfriend who I love and I have to tell myself that I have no excuse for still feeling so lonely i've learned to brush and shave with the lights out because gazing at myself in the mirror brings back memories of the accident. i wonder if the girl in my english class knows my poems are about her my best friend and first lover died of a heroin overdose when i was 17 and to be honest i never really got over it i realize more and more how much getting a job would improve my state of mind but when i saw somewhere with a help wanted sign i just stared at it and drove off i like to buy used books that say "happy birthday, timmy" or "to our darling son love your mom and dad" on the inside of the cover. i take them home and read the inscriptions and pretend that i am timmy or their darling son and that someone out there loves me unconditionally i still have the note i wrote you the day before your car accident; when i realized you were never coming back, i circled yes for you even though i've lived in this appartment for 3 years i do not think of it as home i think maybe im starting to look too old to hang around campus one time i almost touched a squirrel but it jumped away at the last second and scampered up a tree. i guess i thought i could reach out to wild animals and understand their lack of petty anxieties. I got stuck in the friend zone of a girl I well and truly adore and now she's hinting at becoming casual fuck buddies and I'm not sure if that will do my emotions any good but I guess if she's happy then I'm happy i've moved three times in the past year and each time i bring less of my stuff. i remember things that were sentimental and then realize that i don't have them anymore I almost immediately assume that any attractive girl i meet is secretly disgusted by me and is only speaking to me out of pity i still go to the undergraduate library even though it makes me feel creepy and lonely because i can't afford to print things anywhere else I look out my window every day to watch my neighbor and her daughters play in the yard and imagine thats me rolling in the grass and laughing i collect as many autographs as i possibly can because it makes me look like the most popular man in the world if aliens existed i would want them to take me away from here but i guess they'd probably want someone important once i killed a spider and when i looked at it lying there dead all i could see was myself ever since my parents got a cat, they don't call me very much. cats need a ton of care though, so i can see how they're busy. i just assume no one i get to know will think of me sexually so i don't even consider the possibility There is something I want to say here, but I can't actually type it without shaking violently halfway through typing. But it's probably better that way, it would only depress everybody here. i can barely stay awake as i type this but if i fall asleep i know i will never again get a chance to tell the girl i love my feelings Sometimes I like to think that there's a place out there where I'd fit in, but I know that no matter where I go I'll be the same lonely, awkward guy. the thing that is killing me slowly is the only thing keeping me alive i try to not get too attached to anyone or anything because i know someday its going to end and i dont want to be sad over it i became an atheist to make sure it will all be over when i die yeah we're still friends i mean why guilt trip her Sometimes some guys I know hit me hard in the back of the head as I pass- I barely notice though. I couldn't really care less. i make a big point of rolling my eyes when dumb pop songs come on the radio but secretly i would give anything to be that happy Sometimes I cry just for the sake of crying. I feel like maybe if I keep crying, I'll sap all of the sadness out of the world. Then no one will have to be sad ever again. That way I can be a real hero. i was watching a talk show and i realized the interviewer was asking the same questions i probably would have been asking, and they were laughing and having a great time. this makes me think i would probably get along great with sarah michelle gellar if only she would answer my letters. once i told a girl i loved her and she said she loved me too and the next day she called me and told me she was really drunk and if anything happened it was a mistake there are a lot of people on the internet who are bigger losers than me, but i remind myself that with fifty more pounds and the absence of that trip to mexico, i would be almost as pathetic as them too Mom tells me that dad isn't going to come back because he's found something better. It always makes me happy to think of daddy living in the wonderful place he's found. I hope he's always happy like that. Maybe some day he'll take me there. mostly im numb welp I've been helping her get dates and sustain relationships for several years now hey if i killed myself who would take care of my cat? oh yeah my roomate I love writing in my journal. It gives me a chance to talk about all the wonderful people I saw and how they all had so many things to do and see. When my brother found my journal and tore out all the pages, it felt as if he was tearing out my heart. But I felt happy later when I realized it must have given him something exciting to write about in his own journal. He's going to be a great writer some day! back in either 1985 or 1986 i was playing donkey kong at the bowling alley and i was getting the high score and people were crowding around cheering me on and to this day nobody beat that score--yeah they tore that place down last week before i drift off to sleep i imagine i make a post on internet forums that everyone likes and laughs and i get messages saying how funny i am and how many people like me, then everything blurs from the tears in my eyes and i fall asleep i do an extra load of laundry every week so my girlfriend doesnt realize i've been trying on her clothes whenever i hear people laughing and i dont know what theyre laughing at i leave the room and listen for my name I tie strings to balloons with my name and phone number on them and hope somebody calls me one day when i was away at university there was a moment where i heard people laughing outside my door and it made me hate their guts Sometimes people confide serious things to me, and the rare times I actually attempt to confide something to them, they make a joke out of it. Which is pretty funny, I guess. i wish they made porn where the actors pretended they were in love and it all means something even though im color blind i have learned to appreciate life like an old movie and i feel good for the people that can experience what i cannot I always take a book with me when I use the washing and drying machines down the street, although I never read it. I love watching everyone take their clothes out of their bags and rub stain remover on the grass and mud stains on their pants and shirts. They must have had such great times to get such big stains. Sometimes when my washing machine load has finished, I just take it home and let it air dry so that I don't take the dryer from anyone else. They always seem like they have so many wonderful things to do. It makes me feel good to help them out like that so they can get back to having fun. I suppose as long as nobody will go out with me, that means one other guy gets lucky instead, right? to the solemn graves, near a lonely cemetery, my heart like a muffled drum is beating funeral marches. I take a dose of NyQuil every night so I don't lie awake thinking about how bad I really have it somewhere in the back of my mind im aware that bemused resignation to failure builds into psychotic unbridled rage i gave up on new poetry myself 30 years ago when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens in a hostile world I only sleep 5 days of the week, and even then it's only really when screaming in my pillow exhausts me enough a lady called the cops on me because I was sitting in the park watching the kids and smiling, maybe I can watch kids on TV or something. I miss my little brother so much. I don't wear my hat anymore because I noticed my neighbor started wearing a bigger one and I don't want this to escalate any further sometimes i go walking in the hills at night but even when the sky is clear there's too much light pollution and filth in the air to see the stars I would like somebody near me to get into danger so I could take the bullet for them sometimes i listen to neurosis songs and star blankly at the cityscape strenching pointlessly for miles and feel so terribly alone I'm only capable of humour online, where I don't have to look people in the eye and actually speak I'm pretty sure true love is real I'm just also pretty sure I will never know it i drove by the old house where we grew up today. i miss living there and playing in the old treehouse, and walking along the little creek in back and swimming in the swimming hole. it was for sale, but i know that i'll never ever be able to afford a place that nice with the costs of my condition when i look up at the stars i wonder if the distance between them is as far away as i am from another human being Technically, I'm scared of nothing, because even just getting out of bed and having to deal with the day is the biggest fear of all and yet I overcome it every day my personality is like an onion; pull away the petals and you will find nothing at the core nobody hears me screaming because all I really show is this emotionless smile Sometimes I think of just getting on a bus and moving to a new place where nobody knows me and I can start over but then I remember that nobody really knows me here i only get one christmas letter a year, but i open it very carefully and save the card, so every year the mantel looks a little more full of christmas cheer my life is so devoid of meaning that i have replaced emotional connection and physical activity with buying things i saved the letter you wrote me in highschool but it's hard to read because the tears have smudged the ink i make a lot of fat jokes about people online but i know it's just to make me feel better about myself. i can't stop doing it and i can't stop eating. when i buy books i specifically buy used copies with "happy birthday" or "friend's forever" or some such written on the cover page because they weren't actually friends forever i think of all those kids who hang around guitar center and how they cried when dimebag darrell got killed. he must be the JFK of their generation and i wonder if i could ever feel so badly about the death of a stranger that i would break down like that. sometimes i look at her picture in the class of '96 freshmen section because i find it hard to recall her face, since she has been dead for 7 years Almost every girl I know has said I'm such a great guy and then told me that they can't understand why I don't have a girlfriend yet i got a boner in class and the really hot teacher saw but when she asked me about it in the locker room after school i told her it was just a bunch of pens and pencils i was carrying around and went home i woke up today so excited but then i remembered it was just a dream i was walking home from a bar on my own and a car pulled up and sprayed me with a supersoaker and then they drove off but at least they had fun with friends that night semtana's ma vlast makes me remember paddle-boating down the vlatva river in prague with a girl from san diego, and i realize i will never again be as happy as i was in that instance in my memory sometimes when i watch movies i make up my own ending where the nice girl actually got married to the skeezy mean billionaire and the last scene are the two of them having loveless sex while the nice guy drinks alone in his apartment i saw a middle aged man eating dinner alone at a restaurant. i hope he was on a business trip or he was just treating himself to a nice dinner while his wife was at work, but I know he probably is sad and alone. i wonder if i will ever have someone to eat dinner with I said I broke my hand by falling in an odd way but really I just had to punch something really really hard but I didn't want something that would break or complain apparently she didn't like my supergirl drawings i learned photoshop so i could put myself in fun situations and that way the photo guy at wal mart will see more than the leaky pipes i want to show my landlord Last year the only people who said "Happy Birthday" to me were my parents and some people I'd never met via a facebook message. some times when i dare venture to the movie theater i make sure to book a seat next to one that is already taken so that maybe i will get to feel like im sharing an experience with someone else and i can pretend we've known each other since we were children and that this movie means something special to us i would never ever have sex with a 12 year old girl but sometimes i wish one would act like they want to have sex with me I paint my walls with pictures of my friends but when i wake up in the morning i dont recognize any of them and start again I rightclick/save as pictures of my ex-girlfriend and pretend I am keeping a photo album to give to her as part of a wedding gift. my girlfriend and I always get drunk before having sex. i want to tell her we don't have to but i don't want us to confront our insecurities with each other lost my mom 2 days later i call it 'thinking outloud' but its pretty much just talking to myself i'm so depressed that i won't sleep again. i will never even...c l o s e . m y . e y e s i hide my true thoughts and emotions behind my vast decorative knife and sword collection, and i hide my body behind it when i hear a noise and think a burglar or someone is breaking in I know over twenty people who cut themselves and even though people say I am a great guy for trying to help them I feel like a lot of it is my fault. sometimes i think about killing myself but then i immediately realize how stupid that is and then i feel even worse about myself for even thinking that in the first place sometimes when im around black people i shout NIGGER in my head just to see if people can read my thoughts When I went to the concentration camp Madjanek I went into the bunker with all the shoes of dead people in glass disaply cases and walked to the back where it was dark and for no reason at all I laughed and laughed and laughed until my stomach hurt. whenever i try to feed the ducks in the park the bread just sinks slowly into the pond sometimes i tell my roommates im going to a party to impress them, when in fact i spend the entire night freezing on a park bench. there's a chance i'll meet someone nice that way so it isnt all bad i guess When I see old pictures of myself smiling I think that my eyes actually look pretty sad in every one of them. id probably look cooler if i smoked but id be breaking many promises i made in elementary school sometimes I want to nod to black people on the street but I'm worried they'll think I'm making fun of them

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