Hello /b/, blindmuteloli guy here to save the day. Or at least, that's what everybody wants of me. A few days ago I got a knock on my door. It was none other than Jim. I was pleasantly surprised to see him doing so well so soon. I wasn't so pleasantly surprised when I found out what he wanted of me. He comes in, and plops right down on the couch like he's just coming in for a friendly chat. He starts it off with nice little conversation about how he's doing, etc. I ask him about his kids, he says they're doing fine. I offer him something to drink, and it's all relaxed. I wasn't though, because I know nobody ever comes to me just to chat. And then he says "you know Jake, we would make great roomates". Red flag goes off, but I ignore it and agree. Which leads him to his next statement, "Well Jake about that..." And he tells me his sob story. Cynthia went crazy when Jim didn't come home that night. She was considering calling the police to report him missing, so her kids ended up spilling the beans. According to Jim, she went nuts. She actually confronted Sharon at her house (which is really the same house since it's a duplex) and slapped her more than once, then went to the hospital and got in a huge confrontation with Jim when he was still on his hospital bed which led to her having to be "escorted" out of the hospital before she killed somebody. Jim, upon his release, went to Cynthia to try and make things up. Obviously this didn't work, so he went to a hotel. But now he's out of money, and he needs to stay with me. Jim's a nice guy, I empathized with him, but obviously I couldn't say yes without the approval of Melinda. And considering I already had to push her to let Luke stay, it didn't seem likely. But then it hit me. "Why don't you stay with Sharon?" "Well Jake, I tried that too, but she's mad at me it seems."
So I called Sharon up to see what the problem was. "Sharon, Jim is at my house and he wants to stay. Could you take him in?" "I already told him no." "Why?" "Jake, I don't know who's baby it is." Oh lord. At that moment, I imagined everybody on the set of Maury, Mark doing a happy dance as it's revealed that he's not the father. "Would you like to explain?" "I'm pregnant, I don't know if it's Mark's or Jim's kid." Yes, Sharon is pregnant, and yes she doesn't know who the father is. I had actually been slightly suspicious that she was pregnant, since she was showing a bit. She didn't tell me how far into it she is, but I'm guessing at least a few months since her bulge is already becoming somewhat noticeable. All of those pregnancy hormones and confusion over her baby daddy is making her unstable to say the least, and she didn't want to deal with Jim. She's also still afraid that Mark is going to hunt her down and give her a fist abortion. Don't know when those two are getting divorced, but it's pretty soon I would imagine. I told you, didn't I? I also don't think Mark would agree to take a paternity test, so Sharon may be shit out of luck. I don't really empathize though, it's her fault for sleeping around. Of course Jim did the same thing and I was defending him... that's not sexist. About Jim, the question is whether I tell him. He seems to be totally oblivious (as usual) to Sharon's pregnancy. After all of the drama he's going through now, it may be too much.
Speaking of pregnancy, I've been informed that my sister got the spawn fermenting in her stomach killed. The funny thing about it is though she's actually acting depressed over it, after she acted like a street beggar trying to get money from me for her abortion. Furthermore, my parents said she actually went goth after she had it done. Yes, she's actually started dressing in black and painting her face white and all of the other shit goths or emos or whatever those kids do, and she wants to change her name to "Rosemary". The real kicker is that they also found a used condom in their trash can just recently. I wouldn't be surprised if her next antic is to become a gothic anorexic transgender crackwhore and join the circus to wrestle bears (and probably have sex with them). My parents aren't that humorous as to come up with such a funny joke, so I'm betting they're serious. Yeah, I facepalmed too. If I see her I'm going to have to give her a cuntpunt.
But I have more important things to worry about than her. Back to Jim, I told him just to stay and maybe when Melinda gets home I'd ask. She's already at her wit's end with Luke though. Luke is weak for panty drawers, I swear. When he sniffs that cotton allure he just can't stay away. Melinda has already reported some mysteriously disappearing and reappearing pairs, and I've noticed some gone from Erika's drawers too (though I wouldn't tell her, she might strangle Luke herself). I'm going to have start instituting mandatory room checks like we're in a prison. There also was an incident with Melinda was walking in... while Luke was doing his towel dance for me (oh god just don't ask). Never mention that again. I don't think he's doing anything that bad though, I do leave him alone every day with Erika when I go to work. He's also looking for his own job though, so I don't know what I'll do when he gets it. Erika still likes him, even though she thinks he's a raging pervert, which he is, but so am I. Of course Jim is (as far as I know) not a raging pervert, but a down to Earth person who likes beer and football. Melinda returned home, and I presented his case. Melinda gave mean the meanest look I've ever seen. "Is that a no?" "Yes." "Yes, he can stay?" "I'm not in the mood Jake." "What's wrong?" Not that I really cared, but I was trying to play the nice guy. "My dad is coming Sunday." OH HELL NO, now I care. As you remember, my last meeting with her dad didn't go so well at all. "Why is he coming?" "He didn't say, he just said it was important." Agh, my court date with Ryan is also next week too, meaning I have to deal with them both. "But anyway, about Jim..." "NO." "Why not?" "Where would he sleep Jake? There's my room, your room, Erika's, Luke is taking up the last one..." "He'd find somewhere, like the couch." And then Jim did a brilliant move. He began sobbing like a baby, spouting things like "I should have never betrayed her." It was loud enough for Erika to come downstairs pretty pissed at "the faggot whos crying" (I taught her faggot). As it would have it, Melinda was moved by this little spectacle and agreed begrudgingly to let him stay. And he's still here. He mostly lazes around the house, pretty damn depressed. It's kind of annoying, but I guess I do owe him. He needs time, he'll get back on his feet.
I did try to go to Cynthia on his behalf though. I rang the doorbell, and she answered. "Hello Jake." "Uh hi, I just came here to--" "Look Jake, if you're here to try and defend my shitbag husband and the whore next door then you might as well just leave. I never want to hear his name again." Okay, that wasn't going to work. Plan B. "I just came here to check up on the kids." THE KIDS. Using children as pawns in social games is always the best. Even still, I did care about how they were feeling. I went up to go see them, and they both ran up to hug me crying "Uncle Jake!". No, actually they asked me what the hell I was doing here. Aren't they appreciative of my concern? "How are you guys doing?" "Fine, why?" "Well, with the stuff happening between your parents..." "What stuff?" Oh crap, I better not have just stepped on a landmine here. I think I did. "Well um..." "You mean our dad still being in the hospital right? Mom said he'd be out soon and he'd be coming back." I see, she's lying to them.
On one hand, it's not good to lie as it'll just be worse for them when they know the truth. On the other hand, I'm not being the one to tell them their parents hate each other. Suddenly Amelia spoke up. "What's adultery?" Melinda smiled at me, she likes seeing me squirm. "Well, adultery is when... well... it's when adults..." Screw it. "They take children to factories and turn them into adults and force them into slave labor in China." She was shocked by this revelation. "My dad's been turning kids into slaves!?" This sounded like a bad episode of some Cartoon Network show. "No, I lied." "What is it then?" "What's two to the second power?" "To the what?" "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?" "Yes." "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" This one managed to confuse her, as she sat there and pondered it. Melinda went over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "What was that for?" "You're cute. I bet you're still a virgin." "What's a virgin?" cried out Amelia. Oh fuck this, I'm outta here before I have to bust out the Ship of Theseus.
n final news, I got a call from a doctor today. Cheryl's been doing a lot worse, and he was asking me if I knew any relatives that she might have to take care of her. I only knew of one, and he's in the ground under a pile of dirt. The doctor also asked Gloria, but she said me since she's out of her mind. I could convince her I'm the zombie of Commodore Perry. I'll be back on Sunday (hopefully, if I make it out alive) with a thread on how Melinda's dad and I are getting along, and a few days after that with Law and Order: Fapping to Anime Unit. Cross your fingers that they realize Ryan is a subhuman piece of shit.
Note: Timestamps unavailable.
Sup /b/, blindmuteloli guy here. Melinda's dad came yesterday, and you can expect he wasn't happy. He showed up all by himself, so that's one positive. Anyway, when he showed up he immediately went into a tirade. Jim, Luke, and I were all there. "What the hell is this? What are you running here girl, an orgy?" And he pronounced the g in orgy like "organ". "Dad they're just living here..." "I don't approve of it, kick em out! Where am I supposed to sleep?" I spoke up. "There's a room for you already." "Boy I did not and will not ask for your opinion. Let me tell you something. What belongs to my girl belongs to me. This is my house now, and you will follow my rules. I have 3 of them: No lip, no lip, and no lip. Don't get snappy with me."
I showed him up to his room, and he wanted to see the rest of the house. "Now where do you all sleep? You better not be sleeping with my girl." Melinda herself wasn't home yet, so this task was left to us. I showed him my room, Melinda's, Erika's, Luke's. "Now where does he sleep?" (referring to Jim). "On the couch." "Oh, a freeloader is he?" Jim was in fact lazing on the couch at that very time, smelling like shit. He's been increasingly annoying, being a depressed slob, but it's highly possible that's how he acts at home. His kids come over occasionally, but his wife doesn't like it. I'm hoping they'll kiss and make up soon, because I'm kind of tired with dealing with Jim's mopey attitude. He went back downstairs, saying "What you all got to eat around here?" He was about sit down on the couch, but Jim was sprawled on it. "Now listen here boy you sit up right and make room." Jim exploded. I've never seen him even remotely angry. He got up, and looked the man right in his face. "I am not a 'boy'. I am a fucking middle aged man, I'm not your fucking inferior so you give me my damn respect." Everybody in the room, even Melinda's dad, was shocked. When you're used to his "-aroo's" and such it's shocking to see him so assertive. Jim walked away, and Melinda's dad finally got out his authoritative comeback. "I oughta pop that boy." Erika came out to meet our guest, and was surpisingly endeared with him. I guess he just sort of exerts that old fashioned charm (some) people like. He let Erika curl right up to him. "Well hello there sweetie. How are you doing? You raising this girl right?" "Uuh... I guess?" "They touch you in any odd places girl?" I wanted to facepalm, but that would just bring more reprimand from him. Erika smiled and shook her head no.
Melinda came home and greeted her father more enthusiastically than I expected after the Christmas incident. "Why did you come here dad?" "Well I worry about you. You know I'm out of work, so I just wanted to see how your life's going. Just pretend like I'm not here." Under my breath I said, "yeah that'll be easy." "Booy if you keep on running your mouth I'm gonna give you two poppings: a left and a right." That was okay, I could keep my snide comments to myself and generally be presentable. Or so I thought. Melinda went to go make some food for her father, and I settled down to play Devil May Cry 4. Erika cuddled up under my arm, and Luke sat down beside us to watch. When Melinda's dad finishes, Luke is playing now and I'm sitting there. He comes out, and looks at the screen for a bit. "What in the name of the lord are you all doing here?" "Playing Devil May Cry." "Devil may what? What is this crap?" "It's a video game." "Like that Mario?" "Yeah, kind of." "What's the objective?" "Killing demons I guess." He goes to the TV, and squats down by the 360. He looks cryptically at it as we keep on playing. He goes over to the power strip, and pulls out a power cord. It's to a completely unrelated system. "What are you doing?" "I'm turning this junk off. You shouldn't be exposing a child to this crap. All that about demons. Now I'm not some sort of old fogey, if you boys want to play this crap that's fine, but you shouldn't be playing it in front of a child!" Luke and I looked at each other, but he continued playing. He pulled out another cord, which again had no effect. He began scratching his head. "How do you turn this thing off?" I imagine he was feeling pretty embarassed, of course it's expected since even Pong came pretty late in his lifetime. "You don't." "No?" He still looked sort of confused, so he began walking away. As he walked by Luke, he snatched the controller. I was about to grab for it since I expected him to try and throw it up against a wall, but instead he said "Well what do I do here?" Luke was fighting Sanctus, who was floating around. I was confused by why he wanted to play, but thought it had potential for amusement. Actually we were all a bit confused at this old man acting like he's a time traveler from the 14th centry who's just seen the lightbulb.
"Use the control stick to move the character." "Which one is the control stick now?" "The gray circle thing." He moved them both around. "You only need to use one." He was running around, when suddenly the controller vibrated. "Woah!" and he dropped it. "That thing moved!" "That was vibration." "It vibrates?" "Yeah, it's a feature." "I don't think I can play these games." He went upstairs, at about the same time Jim walked in. He had clearly been out in the cold. "Did you go to try and see Cynthia again?" "Yeah." "You gotta give her time." This was Luke talking to him, I was playing now and not paying attention. Erika was breaking my skills by climbing all over me, but I didn't mind. "She just won't listen to me. I've apologized over and over. What does she want?" "Just leave her alone." "I can't do that!" "She'll come back to you." "What do you think Jake?" Just as he said that, Erika ended up tumbling over my head pushing us both off the couch. On the ground with her sitting on my head I kept on playing since I was so close. "Well?" "Uuuh... I agree with Luke." Melinda's dad came back downstairs, and we heard a knock on the door. "I'll get that." He opened the door, and it was Sharon. Erika was being fiddly with me, so I got up and gave her a false piledriver on the couch. Then I realized I had just died. Damnit. I looked over at Sharon and Melinda's dad, at Jim, and then at the game screen. On the screen: "Abandon All Hope." Oddly appropriate.
Sharon came to speak to Jim, so they went into the kitchen where Melinda was. She came out to join us. "Why is she here?" "What do you think?" "Isn't it a bit counter-productive for them to be seeing each other?" "Not really, she might be carrying Jim's child." And suddenly I realized I had said something that was new to most people besides me in the room. "What?" I tried to play it off non-chalantly. "You heard me." Melinda's spoke up. "What in the hell is going on here?" We explained the situation to him. "I tell you, you kids. Let me tell you somehing." Melinda tried to interrupt, but her dad protested. "No, let me tell you a story. Now I was a young boy about 14..." and he told us a long story about him and his wife. They met when they were kids, fell in love, she stayed (according to his knowledge) loyal while he served in the war, he came back, they got married, and never had a "lick of trouble". Jim reappared, and Sharon left without a word. "What's got her pissed?" "She wants me to take a paternity test." "Oh, are you going to?" "I suppose I have to. The thing that irked her was when I said she should get an abortion if it's mine." Luke went back to playing DMC, but felt it pertinent to interject. "You can't really do that Jim. Technically, you were cheating on your wife when you got her pregnant." Jim corrected him, "IF I got her pregnant." Melinda met Luke with a sharp glare. "You wouldn't know anything about cheating, would you Luke?" He looked ashamed and went back to his game. Eventually the conversation dispersed since it was a touchy subject. Erika jumped on me again. "Geeze, what's made you so energetic today?" She reached for her paper and pen. "What's an 'aborshon'?" "It's when a woman gets rid of an unborn baby." "Why?" "She decides she doesn't want it." "Why doesn't she give it to other people?" "A lot of people don't want other people's babies, they want their own." "Shouldn't they take all of the babies that are here before they make new ones?" "Probably." I realized Erika understood this more than me, not being adopted herself for a long while.
Today, I was watching animu on my 360 when Melinda's dad came up to me again."Watching a cartoon here? Well I like those too. Mind if I sit down?" "Uuh sure." This probably wasn't going to be the bugs bunny he was expecting. "What is this called?" "Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei." "Speak English boy!" He watched as Zetsubou Sensei lectured on self-conscious duties. "Now why are they showing that blonde girl's panties?" "It's a joke." "It's peverse!" "Well, she's supposed to be a stereotypical american." "Oh, so the japs are making fun of us?" "I guess so." "And you approve?" "It's just a joke." He watched a bit more before he left. I don't think our interests connect. Tomorrow I have to go to court with Ryan, which should be fun. Not only that, my legal defense (Sharon) is a pregnant, hormonal mess. I also found out that there's no jury, so there's nobody to try and soften up.