Hullo and happy begging day /b/. I haven't made a thread in a bit, but I haven't forgot about you all. So, however, incidentally, and coincidentally (take that grammarians!) today is Halloween. Despite the will of the evil beurocrates (what do the leaders of a government based upon rule by wooden boxes want with me?), Halloween was quite fun for both Erika and myself. We were both outfitted in costumes. Mine was nothing in particular, just a person intended to be incredibly bloody and ugly looking. I had some fake wounds, tattered clothes, plenty of blood. It turned out rather nicely though. Erika's costume was a bit different. It was intended to be a Sadako-like creepy loli. She had the long white dress thing, I painted her showing skin gray (and a guy at Halloween store gave me a tip on how to make it look more dead), and then she had the wig with the long black hair typical of Sadako. She looked rather creepy, especially the skin. Sadoko and I departed to trick or treat (although I had some other things on my mind). Of course I couldn't leave Melinda's house devoid of candy, what of the poor children that wish to beg from her doorstep? She was out, having no Halloween spirit. I didn't have any candy, so I had to settle for the next best thing. I put out a sign that says "Please Take One", taped it to my door, and then put a bowl beneath it. This bowl was filled with empty candy packages, and a napkin. And at the bottom, another sheet of paper. "This house is filled with Worshippers of the Holy Lord Satan, Go Away. Happy Halloween :-)" Jolly good! We all know those real "Please Take One" bowls never work.
After that business was taken care of, Erika and I actually did depart. She went around trick-or-treating (she's not actually super fond of candy though). Another order of the night though was engaging in the true spirit of halloween: trying to scare people. In my arsenal, I had two things to accomplish this end. One was a metal bat, and one was a fake plastic knife. The bat being for people that wouldn't be scared by something obviously plastic. Of course I wasn't going to smite the innocent. Oh no, on this Halloween day the sinners are the ones who shall pay. The judgement of those who have done misdeeds began at a poor little naive house. They had the Halloween spirit flowing through them, inflatable decorations in their yard, jack-o-lanterns lovingly crafted, and a bowl full of candy. But they left it in the hands of not so commanding sign. And thus, the stake out began. Erika and I hid in the bushes, and waited for the first person to walk up. Somebody did, but in fact they only took one. But the next group was most assured to be evil. A group of rowdy boys, perhaps slightly older than Erika. They walked up... closer... closer... and they did it. They weren't even going to leave the bowl, one of them picked up the whole thing and left. As they walked past the bushes where I was hiding, now was the time to strike. I leapt from the bushes, with the fake knife in hand, and screamed at them. They jumped back slightly, but were relieved when they saw it was merely plastic. Time for Plan B it would seem. I pulled out the bat from behind my back, and begin chasing after them, and that's when they began running. "I'M GONNA SLAUGHTER YOU IT SAYS ONLY TAKE ONE!"
The boy who was holding the bowl dropped it rather quickly, but I continued to chase after them for a bit anyway. People around us were staring at me, perhaps a bit disturbed at the 20 year old trick-or-treating or perhaps that he was chasing kids with a bat. All for the Halloween spirit though, right? Erika, who heard the whole thing, was behind the bushes laughing (and if there's any confusion, laughing means not really the audible noise we generally consider laughing, but you can see on her face that it's laughing). We set the bowl back up as she was still snickering a bit, and I was struck with divine inspiration. I had Erika put some of the fake blood on her, and then put some of it on my bat, and had her lay face down in the bushes. The next group that came along to test the divine will of the sign was a slightly older group, I'm guessing 11-12. They would be harder to scare, which is what I had anticipated. They walked up, tipped the bowl over to pour it all in their bags, and began to walk off. That's of course when I made my entrance. I jumped out with the bat, and they were surprised, but the scare wore off. And one of the bratty little kids had to say "You're not funny." Oh? And that's when I tried to put on my best psycho face and voice. "You think I'm kidding?" I pulled back the bush to reveal Erika's "corpse". A slight reaction. "Yeah, like we're supposed to believe that." Hmmm... "You don't? But you know Halloween is the best time for serial killers to operate, nobody suspects them." They were getting a bit creeped out (it doesn't sound as menacing in text, but when called upon I can be quite an actor). Now to finish them. I got closer to their faces and said, "Have you ever checked the sex offenders' registry in Ohio?" and gave a classic pedosmile. I don't know if they knew what that was yet (but kids do know a lot of things these days), but it was a success. They didn't run, they merely walked back to the bowl, put the candy back, and walked off as I stood there smiling. Once they were gone, Erika started laughing again. I think we both agreed this was more fun than trick-or-treating. But I knew that it would be better to wait until day turned to night to strike again.
We continued going to houses, gathering candy. This in itself creeped people out a bit. Erika would ring the doorbell, knock or whatever, and then stand there holding a bag out. Obviously she couldn't talk (of course they didn't know that), so she just seemed to be standing there rather rudely, or somewhat creepily. Sometimes I'd tell them that she couldn't talk, sometimes I wouldn't and just stand there in the background until they gave her the candy (or in one case just shut the door). In particular one nice old lady looked very concerned, I could see it in the way she was looking at Erika. She opened the door, started off cheery, and when she got no response she started looking very intently at Erika. And then she said "Is she okay?". I felt a bit bad for an old lady who clearly was expecting nothing more complex than little kids covered in their bedsheets, but I didn't say anything. There was more silence, and then she just gave Erika a piece of candy and closed the door. I think it might be the eyes that throw some people off. You would think they would have seen a blind person before, but maybe not.
By the time it turned dark, Erika had amassed a large bag of candy by now. A group of older kids approached the two of us. They had to be at least in high school. They didn't have any costumes on, so I imagine they were just out begging for candy (sure we were too, but at least we gave people entertainment). As luck would have it though, they offered to buy Erika's bag of candy. As I said, she's not too fond of candy, so she was more than happy to cut a deal with them. She asked for 25 dollars originally (start high is what I always say), they said 10, she said 20, they said 15, she said 20, and they ended up paying 20 dollars. It's all a matter of supply and demand. She had the supply, they had the demand, everybody else probably sent them away. Now that's what I call smart economics. She made 20 dollars in a matter of hours (okay the costumes probably cost more than 20, but it's about the spirit not the cash).
We decided to call it a day for now and head home. But there would be one more occurence. I got approached by Mr. Tough Guy. We've all seen Mr. Tough Guy. Mr. Tough Guy is a bit overweight, balding, has a wife who owns him, a couple of little kids, owns a motorcycle to try and reclaim his youth that's long gone, that's Mr. Tough Guy. And lawd forbid you mess with Mr. Tough Guy's Halloween. His Halloween is filled with his little kids walking around with poorly made costumes, getting candy and putting them into little plastic pumpkin containers, and the most scary thing being a paper bag on a string. Oh yeah? Well fuck your Halloween. "Hey buddy, were you the guy chasing those two kids with a bat earlier? You're a real jerk you know that!" Mr. Tough Guy comes closer. "Don't you have anything to say, huh? Aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating?" And he gave me a slight push. Erika didn't do anything, not because she was scared I imagine but because she knew I already had the situation taken care of, which I did. I could have knocked his head off with the bat, but I had something better in mind. The last trick in my bag of tricks, something I had been wanting to use all night but hadn't been given the chance to. I bent over and started making noises like his push ruptured my heart or something or I was having a stroke. While I was hunched over, I secretly put a chewable blood capsule in my mouth. I'm sure you've seen them. You bite down on them, fake blood comes out. When I got it in, I bit down and I tilted my head up so he could see the blood coming out. Since it was a different shade of red than all the other blood on my costume, he thought it was real. "Are you okay?" I continued coughing (and coughed out a bit of fake blood on his pantleg) and making noises, slowly collapsing on the sidewalk. Mr. Tough Guy was believing my facade, starting to think his little push had killed me. Erika I'm sure was trying not to laugh at him. Once MTG had made enough ruckus to get a few people around me, I then got up, and grabbed Erika's hand. "Erika, I just saw Satan, he told me it's time for us to come with him. Let's go." And then we slowly walked away. All of the other people (and by people I really meant curious teens who probably weren't as gullible and were probably coming over just to poke what might be a real dead guy) dispersed, but Mr. Tough Guy looked freaked out. It's a shame he didn't have his kid with him.
That's how Halloween went. In other news, Sharon is marrying Mark. And the wedding is this weekend. I know that seems like it came out of nowhere, because it did. She had apparently been planning it for a while, but hadn't told me because in her words, "I didn't want to invite you." Yes, sometimes she can be so blunt. But luckily she finally decided to invite us little people, and wanted Erika to serve as the flower girl. It's going to be a small wedding at house a friend of hers has. I don't really want to attend (but I suppose it would be rude not to). If they ever have an official ceremony for their inevitable divorce however, I'd be happy to be there. And finally, yes, I do like Shedinja very much.
Good evening fellows, blindmuteloli guy here again. Sharon's wedding was today, and it was just as crappy as expected. A few days before, I had to of course go shopping for a fancy dress for Erika. Sharon didn't give me any info on what the other people would be wearing, so I just tried to pick what seemed right for a wedding, white. As expected, everything was Jew-stronomically expensive, but I bought something that looked nice on her. And on the plus side it was quite cute and she'll have something to wear for future formal engagements. Erika didn't like shopping for it anymore than I did though, so we just tried to get it done quickly. And then of course I needed some clothes, but I imagine you all aren't as interested about that. Time passed since, and the day of the wedding came. The priest was a large black man, but talked like a stereotypically gay male. It was pretty creepy. He was talking to me a bit, and it felt as if he was undressing me with his eyes. Wanting to slowly ride his dark black stallion into my horizon, if you catch my drift. Erika was separated from me when we arrived to prepare her for her duties, so I took a seat next to an elderly looking lady. Turns out it was Sharon's mother. We chatted a bit, and apparently she doesn't have a very high opinion of Mark. "I think he's a real jackass." Well, I agree with her there. Before long, the ceremony started. Nothing much to say about it. Erika did her thing looking wonderful (the only thing I cared to see), and Black Rico said all of the usual priesty stuff. At the "speak now or forever hold your peace" however, things got much more interesting. No, I'm lying, nothing interesting happened. They both read some vows too, and Mark showed that he has the linguistic skills of a 5 year old. Ceremony finished, and the reception began.
I ate as much of the free food as I could fit down my throat, and made sure Erika robbed them of the same. After that her and I danced for a bit (though I'm not good at it) but eventually she abandoned me to go play with some of Sharon's younger relatives. Eventually I was approached by another dance partner: Sharon's mom. Sharon's dad has been dead for a bit, so she had nobody to dance with either. She was surprisingly good too, I couldn't keep up with her. She had that elderly chicken skin underarm flab effect, which was somewhat hypnotic as it flowed and danced around as she did. I was also spotted by Mark, who said hello to me and my "blind midget". Erika was quite offended at the term, telling me that she'd show him blind midget by thrusting 5 toes into his balls. I also got to meet Mark's mom, who was a very scary old lady in a wheelchair who seemed mildly crazy. I said hello and she started yelling at me about how she doesn't want me marrying her daughter (if she has one who knows). His dad was a jovial and corpulent man who seemed to be hitting on some of the younger females in attendance. Of course I would too if my wife was crazy. Soon enough, Erika and I left. Not much happened, it was pretty uneventful as I said.
Except that is when we got home. Apparently Erika learned a new term from one of Sharon's young rambunctious male relatives. "Beating your meat", what it means and if I've ever done it. There's a sad truth to that question, but instead I merely gave her the knowledge that it was an odd cooking technique from France.
Greetings again to /b/, it's the blindmute loli chap again with another update. Erika recently went to her first wedding. And speaking of that, I recently heard from a source that her and Mark are having marital issues already. They may be on the fast track to a very speedy divorce. That's not the topic today though. For recently Erika also went to her first funeral. Who died? Well I'll get to that. Shortly after the wedding, Erika and I were lazing about the house, when I heard the phone ringing. Answering it swiftly, it was none other than the bellow of a large bull, the American Luke. He informed me that my former landlord, his current landlord, is dead. I was slightly shocked at the news. I mean he certainly wasn't a young man, but it's funny how he died just after I talked to him again. According to Luke, he had a heart attack and molested the cactus. And that's how he came to call me to ask if I wanted to go to the funeral. As part of his requests upon his death he wrote, he said he'd invite any former or current tenants to his funeral. I thought the idea was a bit off, even if we were technically invited. Luke I imagine did too, as he requested me to go with to perhaps make him feel less awkward (don't think there's still no bad blood between us). As for losing him, it was more like having one of your favorite coffee mugs break. A mixture of, "Wow I really miss my coffee mug." and "Eh, it was just a coffee mug." But he was a nice guy, so why not? I told Luke I'd go, and asked Erika if she wanted to come with. Suddenly I noticed some bad feelings in the room. It took a while before I realized the subject of a funeral might strike some bad feelings for her. It may have been erroneous to state that it would be her first funeral too, but I didn't inqure any further upon the subject. I tried cheering her up though. "There'll be lots of his tenants there I'm sure, it'll be like a big party." She agreed to go with me.
The day of the funeral came, and we got all primmed up. Erika was wearing white, since it's the only truly formal thing she had. We arrived... and there was almost nobody. Luke was already there, and besides him there were only 3 people. Two older looking females, and an older looking male. Erika wanted to know if they were wearing the "funny hats" (yarmulkes that is). "How do you know if they're funny?", seeing as she can't see them. She only responded cryptically, "I know these things."
It was far from a big party. I tried to make conversation though, as it seems that a service hadn't been started yet. I turned to the old woman next to me, "Hi! How do you know him?" She gave a sour look and said "I'm his ex-wife." Suddenly the little question mark appeared above my head. "He always told people his only wife died." "That bastard wishes I was dead but I made sure to stay alive so I could dance on his goddamn grave." Part of me thought this woman was very coarse in the presence of a young child, and part of me hoped that when I was that old I'd be just as mean. Going down to talk to the next person, "How do you know him?" "I'm his sister." Oh, well that's nice. At least one of his real family is coming to pay him respect. "I'm just here to see if he left me anything." Well, there goes that... There was still one more person though. "I'm a friend of his, we go way back." said the man. Okay then, one and only one person has come for good wholesome reasons. "I was hoping I could find one of his relatives here to pay back some of the money he owes me." I'm starting to feel like this man really was as important as a coffee mug to these people. "He always says 'Oh I'll pay you back' but it never happened! Old man was so cheap he probably killed himself just to avoid paying me back!" The landlord's ex-wife quickly grew impatient though. "Let's get this goddamn show on the road!" Erika was laughing at her, and I was trying to stifle my chuckling. Luke seemed rather bored, and then I noticed it. It was that gleam in his eyes. It sparkled, his gaze focused on one thing: the food. His lips moistening, wishing this funeral business would hasten, that he might sink his teeth into the comestibles teasing him like a filthy harlot.
The clergyman started the service, delivering the words about delivering him to God and what not. He asked if anybody wanted to speak a few words for the departed, and there wasn't really much selection. His sister stepped up to the plate. "He was my brother. When we were kids, we always fought. As soon as he became an adult, he moved out. He made no attempt at contacting me or our parents. We found him a few times, but he rarely had more than two words to say to us. Now he's dead." She walked back to her seat somberly. And as bad as it was, I felt it wasn't the worst to come. I knew who would want her turn next. "I could tell you a million stories about this asshole..." and at that the clergyman intervened. "Why don't we just all form a line and pay private respects to the body?" It was unfortunate too, because I wanted to hear the million stories. We all formed a line, and took turns looking at the open casket (which I thought was forbidden by Jewish custom). When his ex-wife passed by him, she made a noise like she was gathering up a huge ball of mucus to spit on his face. I went "o lawd", but she ended up walking away without doing it. "If I still had my period I wouldn't give you my blood..." When Erika went up to him, she obviously couldn't see him, so she poked him. Right in the eyeball, as she obviously didn't have the aim to discriminate between areas of his face.
There was sort of a "squoosh" noise, and I almost apologized for her conduct, but then I realized the few attendees could care less. When I got up to see him, I was almost tempted to test that theory about dead men still having erections. Almost. His sister walked by without incident, but his friend started getting slightly emotional. "I could single-handedly blame you for the stereotype about Jews being cheapskates, but you were a pretty good guy." Luke used the friction of his thighs rubbing together to propel him as fast as he could past the body, to get to the food. And since all was pretty much done (except for the burying, which we didn't get to witness) we went on to that point. Erika and I didn't really eat anything, since we both felt a little bit weird being there in the first place. I did ask his ex-wife though if there wasn't some Jewish customs that were supposed to be being followed. She answered me, "As far as I'm concerned throw some dirt on his ass and bring out the cocktails."
Luke, as I expected, went to the food like a raving animal. Luke has always been fleshy, and it's not hard to see why. "Good thing I didn't shell out more for this thing or lardass would eat up all my pension money!" Luke was apparently too busy gorging himself to care. I asked her why she payed for it in the first place. "If I meet that son of a bitch in hell one day I don't want him to say I never did anything for him." As for her opinion on Erika: "She'd be cute if she was white." I always find racism in old people so endearing for whatever reason. Erika didn't find it so funny though. She responded, "Oh yeah well you're a hag!" The old woman didn't take it well. The clergyman announced that anyone who wanted to see the burial should come soon, but since I felt that Erika was about to throwdown with this old woman I figured it was time for us to go. As we left, Luke continued to inhale things, the old woman was throwing expletives, and the friend was starting to break down into tears. His sister looked just as bored and indifferent as she did from the start. As we drove home, I imagined that old woman had went to the burial site. She walked over to his tombstone with a feeling of triumph. Her old bones began moving. They began jitterbugging. She was jitterbugging all over his grave. How satisfying it must have been.
Hello /b/, blindmuteloli guy here again. A lot has happened recently, so brace yourself for impact and for a long read. It was a normal day around the house, in the evening. Melinda reminded me that I needed to stay home from work tomorrow, since I was going to be meeting one of her relatives. Her niece, Angela, was coming to stay with her for a week or so, while her sister went on vacation with her husband. My job was to be there while Melinda was at work to watch over her and Erika. I didn't object at all to the duty, as it gives me an excuse to miss work. And, as Melinda rhetorically asked me, "Who's the bread winner in this family?". It was almost cute how she said "family", and the 3 of us had become somewhat of that. Angela was about Erika's age too, so I was hoping they'd take a liking to each other. And that she wouldn't be a brat, or crazy like her aunt. She drilled it into me though that I had to be there, and I remembered.
That day, Jim had told me that Erika had been feeling a bit sick while she had been staying at his place, and she was. She had pain in her abdomen, a fever, and didn't feel like eating. I tried to comfort her, and gave her a bit of medicine, but she wasn't helped much. We both went to sleep, and I thought maybe she'd feel better in the morning. She woke up, and got out of bed and was reeling in abdominal pain. She was just hunched over holding her stomach on the ground. I began thinking it was more serious than I originally though. Since I had a day off, we drove to the doctor's office. In the waiting room, Erika was about to fall out of her chair clutching her stomach, and I was getting more worried. A woman at the desk asked me if I'd like to see the doctor right away, sensing it was kind of an emergency, and I said yes so into the examination room we went.
The doctor, who spoke in a very monotone voice, said "What's the problem?" It's a bit obvious, isn't it!? He had Erika lift up her shirt, and put pressure on her stomach in various points to see where the pain is coming from. I told him about how she's been feeling sick recently, and he came to his conclusion rather quickly. "Based on the symptoms you've given me, I would say that she might have appendicitis, it's rather common." At that point, I breathed a sigh of a relief. Not a big deal, they just take the thing out, and she's all better. "When did these symptoms start?" "Yesterday in the morning-afternoonish about." "Well, from that information, it's possible that rupture could occur soon." "What's that?" "It's when the appendix bursts." "Oh, is that bad?" "Well, generally it leads to peritonitis and eventually death." WHAT!? Erika did the same thing, putting a look on her face of "What the fuck did you just say?".
He wrote down an address. "What I want you to do is drive her to this hospital, go there and have them test her for it and then have them perform an appendectomy if she has it." We rushed out of there, and I was hoping that Erika wasn't going to freak out on me. But she remained level headed, and we got into the car. I'm speeding to the address, and I wasn't entirely sure where it was, when suddenly I hear the sirens of a cop. Now I'm a good driver generally. In fact, I've never been ticketed. And, on this day, it so happened that the gods abhored me. And you can imagine how much of a terrible father I felt like. I had let these symptoms get worse, I should've brought her to the doctor's office sooner. I considered for a moment stepping on the gas and getting into a car chase, but I didn't want to see my car on the news. I pulled over, and Mr. Cop sure took his time getting over to me. "You were going pretty fast, you in a hurry?"
I proceeded to explain the situation to him, and luckily he was sympathetic to it. "I know where that is sir, would you like me to help you out?" Maybe the gods didn't abhor me after all. I followed him to the hospital, and by that time Erika had gotten worse. We went in, approached a desk, and a woman asked us our problem. "We're pretty sure she has appendicitis." "Okay, one second." "Okay but we're sort of having an emergency..." "You and everybody else," she said with a sigh. I'm thinking "ADHKASKDH MINE IS MORE IMPORTANT". Eventually she reappeared, and Erika was brought into a testing room. They did an ultrasound, and were able to locate the appendix and confirm that it was appendicitis. They whisked her away into an operating room to take the appendix out, and the doctor told me that it was good we arrived when we did. Once she was in the operating room, the police officer departed, and I thanked him for all of his help. And I asked him, "Is this going to go on my record?". He looked at me like I was a crazy man, but I did sort of value my flawless traffic record (even if my police record in other areas was lacking). "I'll... see what I can do."
The woman at the desk gave me some forms to fill out, and I realized that this was going to be troublesome, seeing as since Erika's not really mine yet, her health insurance situation is complicated. And then I looked up at the clock and thought "oh shit." Angela had arrived about an hour ago, and was probably angrily waiting on Melinda's doorstep. I didn't want to leave, but I figured it would be okay, and that I'd be back before they're finished operating on her. I hurried out, and the women told me "Sir you didn't finish those forms..." "I'll be back!" I sped again to Melinda's house (luckily not meeting a cop). There I found her, as I thought. An angry looking black haired caucasian loli ready to bite my head off. "Are you Jake?" "Uuuh yeah," I said as I opened the door. "You sure took your sweet time to arrive here didn't you?" "Look, Angela, there's sort of an emergency going on so can you put your stuff in the house and get in the car?" "No!" Now I'm getting agitated, "WHY NOT?" And now she's starting to pull the weepy little child routine.
At first, I thought "I'm not falling for that!" and then she said in an embarrassed voice, "I sort of... peed my pants." I certainly wasn't expecting this. "What? You're like 8, you can't hold it?" I looked, and she had definitely just let it out right on the doorstep. Hasn't she ever heard of a bush? "Well I had to go the whole trip and you left me out here for a whole 5 hours and it's cold!", with little whimpers sprinkled throughout. Okay, I fell for it. "Well it's nothing to be embarrassed about... just go change and come back here, and please do it quickly." While she was doing that, I walked inside and checked the phone messages to see if Melinda had called. She did call twice, but the next message was the concerning one. It started off with a bunch of legal, formal gafblhtzl, and then "I represent Mr..." and what was after that mister was Erika's last name. "If you could please call me back, my number is..." At first I immediately thought "her father?", but then I settled it in my mind. It could be an uncle, grandfather, cousin, any number of relatives. I wonder what they wanted though. As I stood there spacing out, Angela tugged on my shirt. "You said it was important, are you ready to go yet?"
We left again for the hospital. I explained the situation to Angela, and she apologized for being a bit a attitudinal. "It's okay." Phew, at least she wasn't a total brat. We arrived back at the hospital, and the woman said to me, "Sir do you just go looking for little girls? What's wrong wit thissun?" "Nothing, she's just a niece of a friend of mine." And she gave me an "mmmhmmm". The operation wasn't finished yet, so we loitered around the waiting room. Angela could tell I was worrying, but she didn't know what I was really worried about. The call. What did it mean? Could it be her father? If it's a relative, do they want custody? If they do, do they get it automatically above me? Can they just come in and erase everything I've did? I debated telling Erika about it, but I decided I'd hold off a bit since she's already going through enough it seems. Angela tried to take my mind off of it by playing hangman and tic-tac-toe with me with a little pad of paper she had in her bag, but it wasn't working. Then she pulled something else out of her bag. "Wanna play my DS?" Looking at the games she brought there was Elite Beat Agents, Nintendogs, and Mario kart. At least she had good taste. I owned the game EBA too, I hadn't played it in a while, but I thought why not? Worrying doesn't help anything, and maybe I'd find some mystic message in EBA. I started playing songs.
"You can't ignore, and say 'It makes no difference to me.'" No. You think you're pretty clever, don't you EBA? "Do you belieeeeeeeeeve in life after love?" No. "You make me wanna, you make me wanna SCREAM." What the fuck, is this game messing with me!? "He was a sk8r boi, she said you l8r boi." Definitely no. "Young man, there's no need to feel down, I said young man, get yourself off the ground." Okay, getting warmer... "We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl!" Okay, getting colder...
And then, the sappiest EBA song. "You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration, you give meaning to my life, you're the inspiration... wanna have you near me..." Even if amputee-chan hated the song, I went ";_; Erika is the meaning in my life". Then I looked down, and I had failed the song. Even still, I had good "aaaw" feelings running through me. Angela was bored though, so she took back her DS. I rode my good feelings until the operation was finished, when the operation completed. The doctor informed me that it was successfully removed, that no peritonitis (keep in mind I might be spelling these terms wrong, I'm a restaurant worker not a doctor) has developed, and the case turned out to be typical. Erika would be able to leave the hospital in a few days. Eventually I got to see her, but she fell back asleep before I really got to say anything.
I was prepared to stay the night, but Angela wanted to leave so I obliged. I drove her back to Melinda's, who greeted me holding up Angela's urine stained panties. "What are these?" "I'll let her explain...", and I left Angela and Melinda alone. Back to the hospital I went (I know it seems like I'm going back and forth sporadically), and I was greeted by a worker from CPS. They're pretty quick about some things. "Hi, are you Jake?" "Yes, that's me." "Hi Jake, I'm from Child Protective Services. I'd just like to have a few words with you about Erika, is that okay?" "Sure." Normally the sight of anything CPS makes me go "ah fuck, these assholes again", but I was actually in a good mood that everything had gone well with Erika, and was off guard. "So, what happened to Erika?" "She had appendicitis, they had to remove her appendix." "Oh, I see. When did it start?" "When she was over at my friend Jim's house." "Who's Jim?" "He's a friend and former neighbor of mine, he helps watch Erika when I'm at work." And then she gave me a "hmmm..." The little twinge appeared in my eye, and I recognized it. That wasn't just a "hmmm", that was THE "hmmm". The, "hmmm I'm gonna be a bitch and say hmmm and now you're uneasy." I put my game face on. "How are you adapting to being a father now Jake?" "Oh, it's wonderful. Erika is wonderful." "Can it be a bit stressful at times?" "Well, yeah, but nothing I can't deal with." "Being a father of a child with disabilities can be pretty hard, especially since you're single, can't it?" "Erika is a very well behaved and loveable kid, not difficult at all." "Do you ever get a bit angry when dealing with her?" I suspected what she was getting at. "Am I being accused of something?" "No, my job is just to make sure that there's not something more to the story." "Well, ma'am, you can ask anybody here and they'll tell you that it was appendicitis, and there's nothing more to the story, so I think you're job is done."
She refused to leave though. "Can I see Erika?" "She's asleep, but I guess." She asked a hospital worker, and they agreed to let her look in. She noticed a few marks on Erika's leg visible from the hospital outfit she was wearing. "What are those?" "Those are bruises left by the person your organization thought was better fit to be a father than I was." (Ryan) She gave me a small look like "well dayum", and in my mind I was getting a round of applause. "Well, I'll be going for now... but I might be back..." Pfft, thinking she's being ominous. I went into Erika's room she had been relocated too, and she was still sleeping. I sat there beside her, just watching her sleep. Randomly, an elderly black man walked into my room. He was a bit like Bill Cosby. "Well hey there!" He didn't have any uniform on, so it didn't look like he worked at the hospital. "Uh hi." "Is this your daughter?" "Uh yeah." "She didn't mention you were so young!" I began thinking that this was some crazy old dude with alzheimer's who had wandered into my room, and before long a bunch of people were going to rush in to inject something into his ass. "Uuuh... do you know her?"
As it turns out, he wasn't crazy. He related to me the story of how he found Erika walking on the street, and she seemed lost. He led her around, and eventually to the restaurant where I work, saying that her father owned it, and that's how she ended up seeing me. It was odd running into him in a hospital of all places, and I was inclined not to believe it. "What are you here for?" "My sister has cancer, I'm here to visit her." "Sorry to hear that." "Well, that's how life goes. I hope Atica gets better." He left. Yeah, he said Attica, not Erika (or it's just possible he has weird pronunciation, or when Erika told him her name in the first place her handwriting wasn't legible). I started pondering again whether or not he was just some crazy patient. I also thought about how everything would've played out if it had been him instead of me. Very weird.
The night came and went, and Erika finally woke up. I brought her stuff along, but I told her she didn't have to write if she didn't feel like it. She wanted to talk to me though. "You just can't get a break, can you Erika?" "You saved me though." "Well some of the people who did the operation told me the doctor might have been a bit overdramatic in saying you were about to die." Maybe he gets some sort of sadistic pleasure out of it. Then I told her about the odd visit from Mista Cosby. "Did that all happen?" "Yeah. I used him to get away from the place, but he was old and creepy so I told him to leave. He said there was nothing but a restaurant by us so I told him my dad owned it." From the combined testimony of her and him, apparently they had been doing an outside activity, Erika managed to slip out, almost walked into the street, was found by Bill, and then escorted to my restaurant. "African-american male kidnaps blindmute asian girl from orphanage. Little girl quoted: 'Hit the bricks, nigga.'" "Why was I better than him?" "You had food."
I agreed with her, he was slightly creepy. Then after a bit of silence, she got more serious. "What do you think happens when we die?" Not an easy question to answer, and but I gave the best one I could. "Well... nobody really knows." Well, hey it's true, isn't it? "If I had a funeral, I'd want it to be like that one we went to." "Even with the old hag?" "Yeah, she was funny." I put my arm around her and said, "Don't worry, you won't die any time soon." "Wherever I go when I die, I hope you're there." I gave her a kiss, and she fell back asleep. Angela has continued to stay with us, and Auntie Melinda isn't paying as much attention to her as I am. It's okay though, she's actually well-behaved and pretty intelligent. Before she goes, I want her to have a checkers match with Erika. Erika hasn't been released from the hospital yet, but they say her recovery is going fine. She should be out in a day or so. I haven't told her yet about that call, nor have I called the person back, nor have they called me. I need to soon though. If I don't work it out, they're going to go the system to work out whatever problem they have, and that never goes in my favor. I haven't told Erika either as I've continued to visit her every day. It can't be ignored forever though.
Thread 52 (date lost)
Good day to you /b/, blindmuteloli guy here again. Erika has been released from the hospital, she's been home for a bit. Let me describe for a bit the home environment with Erika and Angela together. What can I say, I'm just too damn popular. Angela took a liking to me while she's been staying here, and I think got a bit jealous when Erika came back. For example, Erika was one day laying on the couch with me sitting there, having her feet up on my lap. Angela decided she wanted to sit with me, so she tried to sit down. Erika promptly ejected Angela from the couch with her feet and onto the floor. Squabbling ensues, and of course I had to handle them both. I didn't want Erika involved in any confrontation since she's still recovering.
I decided to settle it by having that checkers match I was talking about. And thus, it began. It seemed pretty evenly matched at first. Pieces getting taken away back and forth between them. But slowly it began to turn in the favor of Erika. Angela noticed, and began panicking a bit. Eventually she was reduced to running around the board, trying to evade Erika. The game was already over. As Erika approached, she began to get more nervous. And by that, I mean she was taking the whole thing a bit too seriously. I began to ponder if I was perhaps irresponsibly perpetuating the rivalry. Angel was about to lose, so she picked up her remaining pieces and threw them at Erika's face. Erika was not happy, and she pounced over the board onto Angela (since she's assuming Angela would be on the other side) and it was about to turn into a catfight. I scooped up Erika and was holding her in my arm. "Now now girls if you can't play nice don't play at all." Erika, in my arm, was still grabbing for Angela. I turned around, and Erika's feet (turning with me) accidentally smacked Angela in the face. "She kicked me!" I sat Erika down on the couch. "No, I kicked you, I just used her feet. Now shutup." She angrily stormed out of the room. "What a bitch" Erika was later to comment. She's actually a good kid though as I've said, she can just be a bit rambunctious. Things took a bit more serious turn later though. I heard a knocking on Melinda's door, so I went open it. There standing was a man in a nice suit. "Is this Jake?" "Yes." "May I come in?" "It depends." "I think you got a phone call from me the other day." Okay, so now I had to let him in. Apparently he got tired of waiting for me to call him back (which I never did). At the same time, I never told Erika so this put me in a troublesome situation.
"As I think I mentioned, I represent Mr..." and once again Erika's last name. "What exactly do you mean by that? What Mister are we talking about?" "Erika's father." Now if this was TV drama, this is where the "to be continued" would appear and I wish it would have so I didn't have to deal with him. "He's not dead?" "No, who told you that?" "She did." He let out a sigh. "Erika's father is in prison. He wants Erika to visit." Personally, I wasn't really shocked that he wasn't dead. I had a suspicion for some time now. I definitely didn't like it though. "Absolutely not. You can leave now." He couldn't just go though. "You speak for her because she can't speak for herself? You're like those Child Protection guys." I wanted to punch him right in the face, but I controlled my temper. Like it or not, he was right. It was her decision, not mine. I brought him in. He sat down, and explained the situation to Erika. She started to not look good, and I was ready to kick the guy out. "So are you and a bunch of legal dogs going to force her to go?" "Well, no. Her father doesn't have custody anymore, he forfeited that right by going to prison. Neither of you are under any obligation to go. I'm not coming as a legal person, just as a friend of her father's really." Erika agreed to go though. I was shocked, I really didn't think she'd want to, and I don't want her to. I don't know this guy nor what he did to get into prison but I don't think it would be healthy. "Well okay then. I'll get you the information to go about scheduling a time, and the rules and whatnot. I'm not sure if he'll be able to have a contact visit though." For those of you who don't know, a contact visit is one in which the inmate and visitor are situated by a table and are able to be near each other. The other type is the usual visit with glass between the two. With that, he left.
"Are you sure you really want to go Erika?" She gently nodded her head. "Do you want to talk about it?" She nodded no. Then she looked down a bit, and eventually began writing. "I'm sorry." "Why?" "I lied to you about it." "It's okay.", and I gave her a hug. "Don't worry, I'll be there when you go visit your dad." She responded with a no. "No?" I was perplexed as she writing her response. She doesn't want me there? "He's not my dad. You are." Aw, she knows how to sweet talk me. Angela was listening from the stairs, and she came down. She gave a mumbling apology to Erika, but only so she could ask what was going on. "None of your business." She did a "tell me, tell me, tell me" over and over again until I finally said "If you get that excited you'll piss yourself again." Erika snickered a bit at her. "What are you laughing at!?" Uh-oh, more conflict. Once again I interjected. "Am I going to have to lock one of you in the closet?" I situated Erika on one side of the couch, Angela on the other, and me in between. "Now isn't this nice?" Angela looked across me and stuck her tongue out, but in all of her brilliance I don't think she got that Erika couldn't see it. They both tried to nuzzle me closer than the other, and I thought "Man, I am awesome." I haven't received any info from the man yet about visitation, but I've been doing a bit of my own research. I won't bring it up until he does though.
Thread 53 (11/22/07)
"The only thing you should drive is a fucking tricycle!" An example of the verbal abuse my gentle soul suffered this very Thanksgiving. Oh, but I didn't introduce myself. Some call me Jake, some call me merely OP, but you may call me Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Well, I've been skimping on the openings lately (if you've been confused by this this is blindmuteloli guy).
First, I'll get this out of the way. The man did call me back, giving me info on prison visitation. As expected, it's a long and tedious process, but he's managed to speed it up a bit by preparing for it. The fact that he prepared so much makes me feel like he never had a doubt in his mind that we could say no, which makes me more reluctant to accept. But, it's what Erika wants.
Anyway, back to why you're really reading this. As I just mentioned, today does happen to be Thanksgiving. The day when the settlers stopped raping Squanto's children to sit down with him and eat corn. I woke up early, realized I didn't have to go to work, and spent the morning watching animu until Angela woke up. This was to be the last day she was spending with us, with her leaving tomorrow morning. I began to think it depressing that her parents were off on some extravagant vacation rather than spending Thanksgiving with their daughter, but it's not my place to judge. She was enjoyable to have around anyway. Erika and her have decided to end their rivalry, deciding that there's enough smooth, buttery, rich slices of Jake to go around. And oh was there.
Melinda woke up before me, and she was gone when I woke up. I assumed she was going to get groceries or some stuff for Thanksgiving today. She came home, and I asked her, "What are we having today?" She looked at me. "What do you mean?" "For Thanksgiving, ya know?" And then I knew had made a mistake. You can always see it in their eyes. "Just because I'm the only woman in the house I'm supposed to cook!? Why don't you get off of your lazy no rent paying ass and make some turkey?". Well shit. "...So you're not cooking?" "NO", and then she left the house again.
This conversation took place after Erika and Angela were already up and about. We all exchanged "Happy Thanksgiving" greetings, and went about our day apparently relying on the fact that Thanksgiving would pop out of absolutely nowhere with no effort on our part. As it turned out, this wasn't going to happen. Thus, I decided to make an uninvited visit to my parents' house, with Erika and Angela.
But before that, another thing came to mind. A certain spirit pervades us during the holiday season, a spirit of kindness. And I thought of a fellow, a chunky guy, who would be spending this holiday alone. Yes, you all know who. I know what you're thinking. "You want to drive him with two little girls in the car to your parents' house?" And yes, I would. But besides the holiday spirit, there was another aspect. It would give him a chance to see my sister. And as much as I detest their relationship, it is a promise I made.
Before heading on the road to see my parents', we stopped by Luke's apartment building. And who else did we run into other than two old women. Yes, it was them. The landlord's sister and the ex-wife. Of course, I had to investigate. "What are you doing here ladies?" The ex-wife approached me. "You're talking to the landlord, show some respect." Oh hell no. How did this happen? "He left this to... you?" The sister chimed in. "No. He left it to me. But I sold it to her." "How could she afford it?" "I gave it to her at a very low price." "Why would you do that?" And her voice suddenly turned a bit creepier. "I know it's the one thing my brother would never want. His hated ex-wife controlling what he's built up his entire life. Just call it payback for all of those unreturned phone calls, those years of him not caring." Time to the change the subject. "Is Luke here?" The ex-wife spoke again. "You mean fatass? I saw him waddling down the street, so no!" "Oh... well we just wanted to invite him to Thanksgiving..." "Well, sorry, but he's not here," his sister responded. "Okay then, I'll be going." I started to walk away, but after my first few steps I heard it. "However, we're free." Oh lord. Now I know I just ranted about the holiday spirit, but I didn't really want to take this vulgar old lady and the creepy vindictive old lady home to my parents.
They didn't seem to wait for an invitation though. His sister (and by the way, I think it's time I say their names, Gloria is hers) piled into the backseat with Erika and Angela (who didn't expect them at all). The ex-wife (Cheryl) sat up front with me, a perfect spot to criticize my driving. A few of the comments made: 1. "Pass this slow asshole I could drive faster with my teeth!" 2. "That dick is tailgating you put on the goddamn brakes show him who's the fucking boss." 3. "We should let her (Erika) drive, I bet she could do it better than you!" 4. "I'll be dead before we fucking get there, do you know how to use the goddamn accelerator?" "I'm going at the speed limit." "That's just a suggestion!" She also gave mean scrunched-up looks to Erika, who couldn't see them but was making jokes to Angela about the "old hag" behind her back. Cheryl was to comment on Angela, "You kidnap another one? At least you got the right color this time!" To address that, it appears that another comment of hers raised a question. If you'll notice, in my last thread I did mention (although it wasn't a huge mention) that Erika is asian. She's pale, but has very nice skin. Even more fascinating than the vulgar woman sitting next to me though was the crazy one behind me. I was driving somewhat less than normal, because I couldn't keep my eyes off what was going on in the backseat. For example, Gloria put her hand on Angela's shoulder. "You're so pretty darling, you remind me of my own daughter." And then she clutched it harder and her voice got a bit more tense. "Who after 18 years of mooching decides she has no need to visit, call, write, or anything!" And then more tenseness and clutching. "Everybody who you really care for leaves you. My brother, my daughter, my husband killed hims--" I chimed to change the subject. "So, what's everybody's favorite Thanksgiving food?" Cheryl said, "Anything I can eat without my teeth in." Gloria said, "I've always liked pumpkin pie. I'm rather good at making them. My whole family used to love them. I should've made one." She added about 30 seconds later, "But then again looked what happened to all of them. I wouldn't want to kill your family." and she gave out an eerie laugh. I began to consider one of two possibilties:
- This woman needs drugs.
- She's taken way too many.
We finally arrived, and I rang the doorbell. My mother was ecstatic to see Erika, piniching her little cheeks, as was my dad. And then Angela walked in. My mother looked at me. "...Jake, another one? Can you afford this?" "Oh no no, this is Melinda's niece." "Oh, well then!" She began doing the same to Angela, but I noticed a slight bit of the Angela/Erika rivarly flaring up. And then my older escorts popped in. "Well, who are these fine ladies? Lucky, aren't we Jake?" my father so humorously greeted them. As expected, Cheryl greeted him sourly. "You ever had a pair of denchers shoved straight up your ass?" My dad was shocked, I think he expected her to be a kind old lady. Gloria got right up in his face. "You remind me of my husband..." but before she got into that I introduced them both formally. "Well, we were just about to sit down, please join us." Mother called my sister down, who was happy to see us all. There was a pretty big resemblance between my sister and Angela as it turns out. Cheryl commented on my sister, "Who's the hussy?". Later, she was also recorded to say to my sister: "My legs invented the miniskirt!" Now, if that line doesn't sound funny enough, you have to imagine a sour grating rough sort of voice, like she's been smoking for too long. And as for her legs, vein city.
My sister was noticably nicer to me this time too. She even came up to me, and rather sweetly said, "Jake, I'm sorry if I've ever been a hassle for you." "Are you on some sort of twelve step program?" It was nice though. Sadly, we couldn't stay very long after eating. Cheryl commented on the meal that "I'm so old I'll eat any shit." As we were leaving, Gloria started getting a bit weepy. "It's so nice to be with family..." Erika and Angela said goodbye to mom and pop, both of them managing to get money from them, my sister gave me a nice hug, and we left. In the car, Gloria was crying. I didn't want anything to do with it, so I just left her alone. Poor Angela had to sit right next to her, and from the look on her face she was pretty mortified by this old woman. Cheryl bet me 50 bucks that my sister would get pregnant in a month. I could only respond, "I'm not entirely sure I'd sure win that bet..." Erika was completely happy though. She rather enjoyed the meal, and sat contentedly holding her stomach the entire way home.
Thread 54 (11/31/07)
It's been a while /b/, but blindmuteloli guy is here again. An average day it was, but you know when I start with that something has to happen or there wouldn't be a thread. I went home, to find my lovely Erika as usual. Except... the fleshlight. She was holding the fleshlight. Why was she holding the fleshlight!? She had her fingers in the hole! "Uuuh what are you doing with that!?" Luckily she took her fingers out of the hole to write, "What's this?". "Where did you find that?" "On the couch, I sat right on it." And then walked in Melinda, giving me a look and sum lip. So I walked right up to her, looked her in the face, and I smacked her right in the face. Well, it was more like a punch. Enough to knock her to the ground. She sat on the ground holding her bruised face, looking up at me in shock. "HUH!? YOU GOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY? WHAT WERE YOU GONNA SAY?"
Okay I didn't actually punch her. In actuality she began a bitchy tirade. "Why do you have a fleshlight Jake?" Erika was utterly confused by this word, but she probably should've been sent out of the room. "Why were you looking through my stuff?" Erika, who had it again, was about to put it up to her nose to smell it until Melinda grabbed it, and went to throw it in the trashcan. ;_: A single tear streamed down my face. The senor was dead. "Honestly, how disgusting!" Melinda walked past me on last time with a look of contempt. "Pfft, pervert!" This, of course, was an outrage. A man's fleshlight is nobody's business but his own! But, before I dealt with this grave insult, I had to deal with Erika. "What's a fleshlight?" Damnit Melinda. "Err... it's like a flashlight." "What's the hole for?" "Storing... food." "Why did Melinda throw it away?" "I left stale food in there." "Why did she call you a pervert?" Time to change the subject. "What did you do today?" "Don't change the subject, pervert."
After I finally finished that discussion, I got a call from Luke. He was wondering what I wanted the day I came to look for him, and I told him I merely wanted to invite him to my parents' house. He of course had to act bitchy and indignant at this, but then he told me something that made me understand why he was in a bad mood. "I fucked her." No context, no explanation, so apparently my job was to get it out of him. "Who?" "The new landlord." Oh lord. I had to stop myself from laughing, but little chortles escape from my mouth. "Are you serious?" "...Yeah." "Why would you do that?" "Uh... well she's sorta lonely." "You're fucking with me, right?" "No." "Why are you telling me this?" "Uuuh I just wanted to tell somebody..." and then he hung up. Personally, I wanted some details. I still don't know if I believe him, but then again it is Luke. I'm surprised that her pelvis wouldn't break or something, she's pretty damn old. I wondered if she took her dentures out when she gave him a blowjob. And where she put them after she took them out.
Old people aside, The next day when I got home from work, Erika looked mortified to see me. As it would have it, she asked her older friend Melanie what a fleshlight was, and she just happened to know. She explained to dear Erika that, and many other things. "That's what the hole is for..." "Uuuh yeah." I really didn't want to have this conversation. "I have one too..." "Uuuh yeah." "One's supposed to go in the other!?" "Uuuh yeah." "How do they fit?" Still really wanted to end this conversation. "Magic." "Magic?" "Yeah, magic." She appeared to think about that for a second, before writing very largely: "Shutup, you're a liar and a pervert."
walks off stage
walks back on
One more thing, did I forget to mention that all of the paperwork and stuff is filled out, and I'm officially ready to became Erika's legalized parent? Erika and I need to go to finalize it, but once we do that it will be absolutely complete. Of course I'm still going to be being watched, but I'll oficially be her guardian. I haven't told Erika yet, since I'm sort of saving it. Tomorrow perhaps we'll do something to celebrate and then I'll spring it on her.