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6124344 @pranjalv123 Classifier works with ~65% accuracy in 3-fold validation
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1 i have a great idea for a movie , one that can't miss .
2 see , i've got coolio to do a song for the soundtrack , and about fifty athletes and celebrities to do cameo appearances .
3 it's about professional basketball , so i'll release it right around the nba finals to guarantee added publicity .
4 as for what the movie is actually about . . . well , that will all sort itself out eventually .
5 i figure it will be a comedy , so i'll throw a half-dozen writers at it and take the best of whatever they come up with .
6 maybe we'll put a gender spin on it , see if we can get some women out to see it , too .
7 eddie is one of those phenomenally lazy films that infuriates me more than any other kind .
8 twister , as inane as the script might have been , at least required some creative technicians ; mission : impossible , overwrought plot and all , at least involved genuine effort .
9 eddie just sits there , hawking up a formula story without any laughs , and makes every possible bad decision when a decision is required .
10 whoopi goldberg plays eddie franklin , a new york limo driver and die-hard knicks fan who is suffering through a dismal season for her beloved team .
11 coach john bailey ( dennis farina ) has lost control of his overpaid prima donnas , and the losses are beginning to mount .
12 the dwindling attendance inspires new team owner wild bill burgess ( frank langella ) to try a publicity stunt in which a lucky fan will get to be an honorary coach of the team .
13 the winner ( surprise , surprise ) is eddie , who becomes a fan favorite , and eventually the actual coach .
14 the knicks continue to lose , but eddie has some sassy tricks up her sleeve to inspire her troops .
15 incidentally , the knicks eventually start winning .
16 please raise your hand if that comes as a shock , and i will invite you to my all-night marathon of the bad news bears , major league , angels in the outfield , the mighty ducks , the big green , cool runnings and little giants .
17 awful teams in sports comedies make miraculous turnarounds ; it's what they do .
18 those teams usually involve kids , for a very sound comedic reason : it's funnier when they screw up , and they're more sympathetic .
19 those which _don't_ involve kids usually have actual actors in the lead roles , for another very sound comedic reason : they generally have developed some sort of comic timing .
20 eddie was cast under the misguided premise that it's easier to make basketball players look like actors than it is to make actors look like basketball players .
21 this finds nba players like greg ostertag , dwayne schintzius , rick fox and malik sealy delivering punch lines as though they were reading them for the first time off a bazooka wrapper ( though sacramento kings center olden polynice has a nice moment describing a black hole to fellow players ) .
22 perhaps that all didn't matter to anyone because there are so few punch lines , and because the whole film is one big casting gimmick .
23 steve rash directs the spiritless script as though waving a flag of surrender and screaming , " don't blame me , i just work here . "
24 perhaps it was patently obvious to him that eddie isn't a movie -- it's a cameo appearance that trips over a plot every once in a while .
25 among the notables who lend their faces to this travesty are donald trump , new york mayor rudolph giulianni , former new york mayor ed koch , david letterman , letterman regulars mujibur rahman and sirajul islam , espn broadcaster chris berman and knicks announcer marv albert , as well as dozens of nba players and several nba arenas .
26 and those are the real jokes in eddie .
27 nothing these individuals say or do is funny ; you are supposed to be laughing simply because you notice , " hey , it's donald trump ! "
28 or " hey , it's mujibur and sirajul ! "
29 it's difficult to decide whether eddie is so bad because it was so shamelessly lacking in imagination or because it can't even get the cliches in a cliche-ridden genre script right .
30 the knicks coach who is eddie's antagonist early in the film reappears at the end , but he isn't given a chance to be the villain eddie desperately needs .
31 neither is frank langella , and none of the athlete-actors have the ability to give whoopi goldberg anything to play off of .
32 that leaves her to do her street-wise miss thang routine , but with no character , no sharp lines and no help .
33 eddie isn't just a bad movie with a formulaic premise .
34 it's a movie that makes you feel cheated and offended , because someone came up with a poster and a marketing plan to which they had to attach an actual movie , and you had the nerve to believe it was going to be a comedy .
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