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6124344 @pranjalv123 Classifier works with ~65% accuracy in 3-fold validation
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1 it happens every year -- the days get longer , the weather gets warmer and the studios start releasing their big-budget blockbusters .
2 this year's crop already seems inferior to that of past summers , even 1997's lackluster trio of batman & robin , the fifth element and the lost world .
3 the marketing blitz in 1998 has been centered on godzilla ( " heeere , lee-zerd , lee-zerd . . . " ) , which doesn't make me optimistic about future summers .
4 godzilla is , of course , based on a series of cult movies ( translation : really bad movies only a few people can tolerate ) from japan that turn up really late at night on ted turner-owned cable stations .
5 that this big-budget remake won't rise above its roots is fairly obvious .
6 the credits show us the origin of godzilla .
7 in five words : nuclear explosion creates giant lizard .
8 sounds like an enquirer headline , doesn't it ?
9 the mushroom cloud is followed by the inevitable " discovery " sequence .
10 this time , a japanese guy is eating noodles with chopsticks while watching sumo wrestling ( if that ain't a stereotype . . . )
11 when he discovers the telltale radar blip .
12 people die .
13 cut to our protagonist , played by matthew broderick .
14 he makes his first appearance wearing headphones , warbling along to " singin' in the rain . "
15 it's a none-too-subtle sign that he wishes he were in a classier movie .
16 no dice , bueller .
17 from the beginning , poor matthew has to do embarassing things like fondle giant earthworms and stand in godzilla's enormous footprint .
18 every disaster movie has to have a know-it-all scientist , and this time broderick is it .
19 as the world's leading expert on radiated earthworms ( and wouldn't you love to have that printed on your business card ? ) ,
20 broderick is invaluable to the government .
21 he immediately dispels vicki lewis' theory that godzilla is a dinosaur because , hey , you can't take seriously the intellectual arguments of " newsradio " cast members .
22 broderick instead hits the nail on the head , announcing godzilla is a radiated lizard .
23 " the radiation isn't an anamoly , " he announces , and lightning strikes .
24 " i believe this is a mutated abberation , " he continues , and lightning strikes again .
25 it's vocabulary lightning , you see , activated by words of four syllables or more .
26 meanwhile , we're introduced to our new york cast , headed by an ambitious broadcast journalist ( maria patillo ) , broderick's former love .
27 gee , what are the odds their paths will cross again at a dramatically important time ?
28 poor patillo has been trying to get ahead in the news business for years but has been held down by heartless anchorman harry shearer .
29 italian cameraman hank azaria tells her she's not ruthless enough : " nice doesn't get you anywhere in this town .
30 it's dog eat dog . "
31 actually , it's lizard eat city , as godzilla emerges from the atlantic to begin a rampage on the big apple's core .
32 the filmmakers provide us with a one-note drunk fisherman who hooks godzilla .
33 " i think i've got a bite , " he announces as a gigantic tidal wave begins rushing toward him .
34 you can guess what happens next .
35 similar reactions spring forth as the monster prowls the city .
36 hearing the rumble of approaching footsteps , one new yorker remarks , " please don't tell me that's another parade . "
37 please don't tell me that's the best line you could come up with .
38 mayor ebert is not pleased .
39 played by the principal from " head of the class , " he continually makes the wrong decision when given an option , and bickers with his assistant gene .
40 i guess the filmmakers knew they'd be getting two thumbs down from the critics and didn't even bother to kiss ass .
41 the problem is , if you're going to attack siskel and ebert , you should at least make it funny .
42 dialogue like , " didn't we agree that we weren't going to have any sweets until after the election ? "
43 followed by , " back off , gene , " just doesn't work for me .
44 other lame running jokes include everyone mispronouncing the broderick character's last name and frenchman jean reno's inability to find a good cup of coffee in new york .
45 there's even more fun to be had as godzilla progresses .
46 as the beast heads back into hiding , broderick suggests the military lure it out with food .
47 cue twelve dump trucks , all dropping fish into a new york intersection .
48 ( broderick : that's a lot of fish . )
49 that ambush fails , but broderick soon figures out why godzilla came to new york by buying $50 worth of home pregnancy tests and running lizard blood through them .
50 yep , godzilla's with children , which makes you wonder just what kind of creature would be horny enough to have sex with godzilla .
51 that's until broderick explains that godzilla reproduces asexually , like linda tripp .
52 godzilla comes to us from the makers of independence day , so it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots .
53 look no further than patillo's betrayal of broderick ( patillo : what have i done , animal ?
54 what have i become ? ) and the climactic " godzilla's nest " sequence in madison square garden .
55 the main difference is , independence day was about the experience .
56 it had a real global , patriotic element to it , and some genuinely fun characters .
57 godzilla has lots of rain and lightning , reptilian action ripped off from jurassic park and endless product placement from the likes of kodak , blockbuster , juicy fruit , swatch , sprint and bumble bee tuna .
58 yes , bumble bee actually paid to be known as the official tuna of godzilla .
59 that fact alone is twice as interesting as anything in the movie .
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