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whether you like the beatles or not , nobody wants to see the bee gee's take on some of the fab four's best known songs .
well , maybe that's not true .
maybe you're curious , the way you have to look in your hanky after you blow your nose .
you just have to know how bad bad can be .
if that's the case , rejoice , because it was twenty years ago today ( or so ) that sgt .
pepper's lonely hearts club band was released ( unleashed ? ) to the world , and thanks to our modern technological advances , you can find this retched piece of filmmaking on vhs .
derived from the lyrics of various beatles' songs , sgt .
pepper's tells the story of the fictitious band made popular from the song ( and album ) of the same name , released in 1967 .
of course , the movie was made eleven years later , the gibbs three have become the lonely hearts , peter frampton is the one and only billy shears , and aside from being about a rock band , the story doesn't correlate to the song at all .
and oh , what joy - we're the lovely audience they'd like to take home with them .
i don't think so .
but at least these characters are actually * people * in a beatles' song , whereas other characters such as strawberry fields ( sandy farina ) gets her name from a song about a * place * called strawberry fields .
the debate over this is really quite futile when it comes down to it , because all the film really has to offer is a feast of horrid cover tunes , embarrassing cameo appearances ( george burns ? !
steve martin ? ! ?
alice cooper ? ! ? ! ) , and uuuuuuggggggglllllllyyyyy 70's fashion and faces .
check please !
the plot is a bit unclear .
people with bad 70's hair run around in leisure suits engaging in music video sequences that look like a sick and twisted world of make-believe from an overly demented mr . rogers .
mean mr . mustard ( frankie howerd ) somehow gets hold of all billy & co . 's instruments , calling dr . maxwell edison ( steve martin with a silver hammer and an out-of-key singing voice ) , the sun king , marvin sunk ( alice cooper ! ) , and a couple of creepy robots to his aid .
supposedly this is a horrible thing ?
i guess in heartland , the talent is pretty non-existent .
meanwhile , the lonely hearts are off doing the classic " sex , drugs , and rock n' roll " thing , leaving poor strawberry fields without her true love , billy .
she sets out to find him , leaving her poor dad and mom ( mrs .
fields !
hey , wanna cookie ? )
all alone to sing a horrible rendition of " she's leaving home " , accompanied by those same creepy robots .
but is billy getting it on with lucy ( dianne steinberg ) ?
ya know , the diamond possessing girl who hangs out in the sky ?
well , there's some crazy chick singing soprano on the roof of a building next to a bus stop , and i assume that's who it was .
it's movies like this that make ya sit back and ask the unanswerable question , " what the hell were they thinking ? ? ? "
nobody will ever know , but as a novelty , sgt .
pepper's is one to examine .
carol channing , robert palmer , keith carradine - they're all here .
but why ? ? ? ?
who knows .
it's irrelevant .
there's as much meaning to be found here as there is to be found in your belly-button lint , although the latter may be more interesting .
with the recent onslaught of 70's nostalgia in the movie world ( the ice storm , boogie nights , reissues of the star wars trilogy , etc . ) , let's pray this doesn't get a special 20th anniversary , second-chance in theaters .
in the words of paul mccartney , live and let die .
in fact , bury this one while you still can .