cv176_14196.txt

hello kids . 
today the movie studios want to take over my critical review , and somehow persuade you that _armageddon_ , the summer's biggest blockbuster , is a film for everybody . 
and remember , if a film is for _everybody_ , and if it makes the most money for the summer , it _must_ be good , right ? 
armageddon is a comedy , with a capital " c " . 
it stars bruce willis , who has a hundred one-liners ! 
it has a tiny rock land directly in the middle of a heated argument in new york city ! ! 
and , chuckle , chuckle , one of those new yorkers , _survives_ , with charcoal all over his face ! ! 
snorkle , * sniff * , hiccup . 
and it has steve buscemi as a _genius_ who wants to work for an oil rig ? 
knee-slap ! ! 
isn't this just so , so , funny ! ? 
armageddon also has romance , with a capital " r " . 
it has a tender moment between * forbidden lovers * ben affleck and liv tyler , with , with , animal crackers ! 
and it has will patton as a long lost husband trying to reunite with his separated wife and child , who thinks he's a salesman ! 
gurgle , * sniff * , awwwww . 
and it has steve buscemi spewing more one-liners about minors and strippers . 
umm , moving right along . . . 
armageddon also has lots of action , with a capital " a " . 
not just any action sequence would do . 
it must have _original_ action sequences that are designed to thrill . 
like , drill , darn it , drill ! ! ! 
and , let's have inept people destroy the mir space station ! ! 
can't you hear your heart beating ! ? 
and steve buscemi goes crazy and starts shooting at people ! ! 
what drama ! ! 
lastly , armageddon is out there to save the planet , with a capital " p " . 
this can't be any old thriller--we must have an asteroid , the size of texas head straight for earth ! ! 
and , and , we must have beautiful scenic worldwide shots , like paris , blown up . 
and , and , we must have peoples of all colors , nations , and religions , join hand in hand for one final , hopeful , hug . 
the final sequence , where muslims in prostrate worship stand up--in domino fashion--to cheer the victory , filled me with such emotional goo that i wanted to , to , to rip the screen into shreds ! ! 
i mean , i mean , cheer for ecstatic joy ! 
 ( it was over ) . 
comedy . " c " . 
romance . 
 " r " . 
action . 
 " a " . 
planet . 
 " p " . 
okay , kids , what does that spell ? 
seriously , folks . 
any film that could take the indie-films' most valuable talents , and throw it all away with a bruce willis vehicle , a hundred-million dollar budget , but have cheap-o sets and lousy special effects , is , bottom line , living proof that hell exists , and has made a multi-picture deal with universal . 
in the midst of all the action , the terseness , the one-liners , the fake sets , the overall waste of time , i recognized matt malloy playing an underwritten nasa technician ( " malloy , give me a reading " ) . 
remember him ? 
he was a principal player in last year's _in the company of men_ , a film that was more powerful , shocking , terrifying , funny , and shocking than _armageddon_ could ever aspire to be . 
_armageddon_ cost over $100 million to make . 
_itcom_ cost a paltry $30 , 000 . 
need i say more ?