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hello kids .
today the movie studios want to take over my critical review , and somehow persuade you that _armageddon_ , the summer's biggest blockbuster , is a film for everybody .
and remember , if a film is for _everybody_ , and if it makes the most money for the summer , it _must_ be good , right ?
armageddon is a comedy , with a capital " c " .
it stars bruce willis , who has a hundred one-liners !
it has a tiny rock land directly in the middle of a heated argument in new york city ! !
and , chuckle , chuckle , one of those new yorkers , _survives_ , with charcoal all over his face ! !
snorkle , * sniff * , hiccup .
and it has steve buscemi as a _genius_ who wants to work for an oil rig ?
knee-slap ! !
isn't this just so , so , funny ! ?
armageddon also has romance , with a capital " r " .
it has a tender moment between * forbidden lovers * ben affleck and liv tyler , with , with , animal crackers !
and it has will patton as a long lost husband trying to reunite with his separated wife and child , who thinks he's a salesman !
gurgle , * sniff * , awwwww .
and it has steve buscemi spewing more one-liners about minors and strippers .
umm , moving right along . . .
armageddon also has lots of action , with a capital " a " .
not just any action sequence would do .
it must have _original_ action sequences that are designed to thrill .
like , drill , darn it , drill ! ! !
and , let's have inept people destroy the mir space station ! !
can't you hear your heart beating ! ?
and steve buscemi goes crazy and starts shooting at people ! !
what drama ! !
lastly , armageddon is out there to save the planet , with a capital " p " .
this can't be any old thriller--we must have an asteroid , the size of texas head straight for earth ! !
and , and , we must have beautiful scenic worldwide shots , like paris , blown up .
and , and , we must have peoples of all colors , nations , and religions , join hand in hand for one final , hopeful , hug .
the final sequence , where muslims in prostrate worship stand up--in domino fashion--to cheer the victory , filled me with such emotional goo that i wanted to , to , to rip the screen into shreds ! !
i mean , i mean , cheer for ecstatic joy !
( it was over ) .
comedy . " c " .
romance .
" r " .
action .
" a " .
planet .
" p " .
okay , kids , what does that spell ?
seriously , folks .
any film that could take the indie-films' most valuable talents , and throw it all away with a bruce willis vehicle , a hundred-million dollar budget , but have cheap-o sets and lousy special effects , is , bottom line , living proof that hell exists , and has made a multi-picture deal with universal .
in the midst of all the action , the terseness , the one-liners , the fake sets , the overall waste of time , i recognized matt malloy playing an underwritten nasa technician ( " malloy , give me a reading " ) .
remember him ?
he was a principal player in last year's _in the company of men_ , a film that was more powerful , shocking , terrifying , funny , and shocking than _armageddon_ could ever aspire to be .
_armageddon_ cost over $100 million to make .
_itcom_ cost a paltry $30 , 000 .
need i say more ?