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" the animal " is a marginally inspired comedy that only manages to lumber along , generating just enough momentum to keep it from stalling .
it's clunky and slow , like watching an 18-wheeler trying to accelerate up a hill .
there are certainly better things you can do with your time .
actually , if you've seen the trailer , then you already know the plot and have seen its funniest moments .
the story centers on bland marvin ( rob schneider ) , who is an evidence clerk at the local police department that yearns to be a real officer .
but he's afflicted with loser-itis .
dogs attack him , neighbors torment him , children bully him , and his co-workers ignore him .
truthfully , with his bad haircut ( seemingly modeled after weird al yankovic , little richard , and giant poodles ) and his unenthusiastic demeanor , we'd probably throw tomatoes at him just for fun .
this is actually bad because you can't like a character if you can't develop sympathy for him .
we never do , and it may be just as well that he drives off a cliff and plummets to the canyon floor .
however , marvin is found by an eccentric doctor ( michael caton ) who uses a radical and experimental procedure to save him , implanting our doofus with various animal parts and organs .
as a result , marvin develops heightened senses and increased agility and speed .
he can smell drugs hidden anywhere on a body , swim with the speed of a dolphin , and can run as fast as a cheetah .
imagine the comedic possibilities that arise from this operation .
with his enhanced abilities , he could now reap vengeance on all those who have shunned him .
however , the spirit of the film takes a raunchy turn , and instead , marvin spends most of his time trying to subdue or satiate his voracious appetite and his animalistic , sexual urges .
goats beware !
he also chases cats , urinates to mark his territory , or growls at his enemies .
what he should've done was stick his head in the sand like an ostrich .
equally tenuous is its other running joke , which involves one of his friends ( guy torry ) who constantly complains that everyone is treating him too nicely because he's black .
" it's reverse racism , " he declares as he blows smoke into the faces of strangers but none of them says anything .
this element doesn't work the first time it's mentioned , and it becomes increasingly trite with every recurrence .
you don't have to be as wise as an owl to realize that " the animal " is tame .
if there's any reason to see this film , it's to see colleen haskell who makes her big screen debut .
remember her ?
she was voted off in week 11 of the 13-week program , " survivor . "
here , she plays marvin's sunny love interest .
while her role required very little actual acting , she seemed very comfortable ( even when marvin licks the side of her face like a lapping dog . . . yuck ! ) .
with her adorable disposition , radiant smile , and playful innocence , she could be a meg ryan in the making .
it's too bad that she's in such a mediocre offering