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* * * the following review contains some harsh language . . .
but what did you expect when you clicked on this title ?
* * *
cast : kristen holly smith , danica sheridan , alex boling , michael dotson , sonya hensley , janet krajeski , sabrina lu , dionysius burbano , calvin grant , jeff b . harmon written and directed by : jeff b . harmon running time : 97 minutes
" the thought of losing you makes me all vomity inside . "
--- blatz balinski ( danica sheridan ) laments the fact that her lesbian lover , april ( kristen holly smith ) , has just received a telegram from her ex-fiance .
isle of lesbos is an incredibly offensive musical comedy about april pfferpot ( smith ) , a resident of the small town of bumfuck , arkansas who is about to get married to high school sweetheart and football hero dick dickson ( michael dotson ) .
when april gets extreme cold feet she runs home , sticks a gun in her mouth , and pulls the trigger .
instead of killing herself , she is magically transported through her mirror into the isle of lesbos , an alternate dimension where lesbians rule and no men are allowed ( except for lance , the homosexual toilet cleaner/slave ) .
april loves her new home and friends , but dick and her parents are not so ready to give her up .
mr . and ms . pfferpot ( director jeff b . harmon and janet krajeski ) decide they need medical help so they enlist the aid of dr . sigmoid colon ( also jeff b . harmon ) , who claims he can cure homosexuality .
in actuality , dr . colon is homosexual as well and begins his special " treatment " on dick dickson ( unbeknownst to dick ) .
when april turns down dick's demand for her to return to bumfuck , he decides to take matters in his own hands and attack the isle of lesbos rambo-style .
instead of leveling the place he falls in love with lance ( alex boling ) and the two of them , along with april and her lover blatz , get married .
( note to the filmmaker : why did the character of lance make asides to the camera followed by silence that i'm assuming was inserted for the purpose of waiting until the laughter of the audience had subsided ? )
april's parents , feeling like there is no recourse , call in a favor to president clinton and send a nuclear bomb ( whose circuitry inexplicably is made up of a homosexual performer ) their way .
the bomb is a dud thanks to the work of the " circuitry " and they re-wire it and send it back to washington d . c . , destroying it .
mr . and ms . pfferpot give up trying to get their daughter back and instead decide to join her as they have some alternative sexual practices of their own .
i'm not sure if writer/director/co-star jeff b . harmon was purposely trying to offend people because he believes in some of the ideas his movie presents or if he was just going for cheap laughs .
either way , he manages to present some of the most offensive material i have ever seen in a movie .
the film opens with a preacher running a small african-american child out of town , and then later moves on to the hanging of a michael jackson impersonator by the ku klux klan ( during a jaunty musical number ) , preceded by remarks about " gays and straights finally being able to put their differences behind them and work together to hate others , such as the jews " .
if harmon was merely trying to point out how idiotic society can be , then i apologize for being so harsh on elements of his film , but it is presented so mean spiritedly that i can't help but feel like he had some serious intent .
as for the entire central theme of the movie , i'm afraid that it's one that i just don't get .
i tried to keep an open mind while watching it , but the homosexual elements were just too prevalent for my tastes .
it was hard enough to watch them bash other races and sexes without them preaching about the virtues of being homosexual and accepted by society .
how does one expect to be accepted if they are just as guilty of non-acceptance ?
i'm not prone to judging anyone and i believe that people should be free to explore whatever avenues they wish free from the scornful eye of society , but don't force your particular rhetoric down my throat if you aren't going to show the same respect for my preferences that you wish from me .
again , maybe i'm missing the satirical point that harmon is trying to make , but if so , i think it could have been handled a little more tactfully .
as far as musical comedies go , isle of lesbos is no trey parker and matt stone musical , but a good portion of the songs are maddeningly catchy .
despite the disturbing visuals , " mom and apple pie " stuck with me for the rest of the day .
speaking of disturbing visuals , " wedding bells ain't ringing " could have been a decent song , but the accompanying visuals of spousal abuse are more harrowing than this film should be displaying .
" i'm a lesbian " ( which is touted in the press release as being particularly popular ) is also pretty good , but a good portion of that could be due to the stellar singing voice of ms . smith .
it's mainly on her excellent vocals that my rating of this film is based .
the other performers are decent , save for the rosie o'donnell like performance given by danica sheridan .
i have no inherent problem with her character ; it is just her singing voice that leaves little to be desired .
one particular musical number , " lesbian rock " , was one of the lowest points i have ever experienced in my film-going life thanks to a strained and lackluster vocal job by sheridan .
the film ends about twenty minutes before the credits actually roll .
the remainder of the running time is padded out with a few more songs ( " lesbian rock " included ) and the ridiculously presented anti-nukes message tacked on to the end for no reason other than to make it a feature length film .
once the " isle of lesbos reprise " was reached , i felt the story had already been wrapped up well enough to end it all .
why was the film needlessly stretched out past its obvious end ?
isle of lesbos is available on videocassette from www . indie-underground . com .
the transfer is pretty clean ( and all the detail of the wrinkled cloth and paint backdrops are readily apparent ) and the film is letterboxed at approximately 1 . 85 : 1 .
in many respects , isle of lesbos has incredible cult potential ( like a rocky horror for the new millennium ) .
this film is by no means my cup of tea , but i know there are those out there who will enjoy it .
if you think it might be for you , then by all means seek it out .
i , on the other hand , will be cleansing my palette with a good action film like gladiator . . .
wait . aren't gladiator films considered to be . . .
oh , never mind .