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godzilla is a nuclear freak .
he is a lizard that has been mutated over the years and has become a new species , one that has a foot as long as this bus , and a claw as long as this sign .
this aquatic creature made its first attack in the pacific islands .
he tore up a ship that carried dozens of japanese men .
one survived .
only he was left to recount the terror that he had seen .
he was merely able to repeat the words " godzilla . . . godzilla . . . godzilla " .
the film then introduces us to matthew broderick , a biologist who has been studying the fascinating growth of chernobyl earthworms .
" they're 17% larger than they used to be ! " he proclaims .
the u . s . military pulls him off this three year project and assigns him to figure out what godzilla is .
and , boy , does he find out .
and , boy , does godzilla suck .
i hate to use such a word in a review , something that is supposed to inform my audience , but i really need to drive this one home and i refuse to use explitives .
it is unbelieveable to me how the producers of this movie saw the final cut and said , " ok !
it's great !
let's show this puppy . "
roland emmerich needs a good horse whipping .
his latest piece of trash makes id4 look like a masterpiece of modern american cinema .
and if steven spielberg had never made the jurassic park films , emmerich and his team of talent-challenged imbeciles would never have had a clue as to how the creature should look .
let me give you a few examples of this terrible attempt at filmmaking .
i plan on giving some things away here .
belive me , godzilla holds no surprises for anyone with an iq higher than their shoe size , so . . . no
worries .
however , if you are looking for that " first time thrill " and you refuse to let me do you this favor , by all means , stop reading now .
a . ) godzilla makes his first ever attack in the pacific islands .
he next strikes in new york city .
um . . . anyone have a map handy ?
b . ) the mayor of new york city is a heavy set individual with parted gray hair and thick glasses .
his name is mayor ebert .
his assistant is named gene .
gene gives ebert a thumbs down at the end of the film .
i couldn't make this up if i tried , folks .
c . ) stay with me on this one . . .
ok .
godzilla can out run torpedoes .
hank azaria can out run godzilla babies .
( which look more like jurassic park raptors than the jurassic park raptors . )
d . ) the u . s . military , upon realization that godzilla has disappeared after running rampant through the city , decides that he " might be hiding in a building . "
e . ) ( oh yeah , i can go all the way to e . ) godzilla strikes at manhattan .
manhattan , an island approximately the size of san francisco holds three million people .
they evactuate to new jersey in about one day .
no problem .
f . ) early on , they bait godzilla with fish .
( he likes fish , you know . )
the thing is on an island .
the atlantic ocean is three steps east , but pile a whole bunch of grouper on fifth and 57th . . . oh
he's gonna come running .
g . ) you know what ?
i'll stop with the list now . . . the
alphabet isn't big enough anyway .
the dialogue makes me wonder if producer dean devlin had his five year old do a re-write .
" the kid is good ! " he must have said .
maria pitillo is looking to become a name in hollywood by starring in this potential blockbuster .
bad move , maria .
acting doesn't get much worse than her turn as broderick's ex-flame .
matthew broderick is a good actor , but you'd never give him a chance if godzilla were the only film of his you'd seen .
jean reno needs to pick his american films a bit more carefully .
at times , godzilla seems to be headed toward a zucker , abrahams , zucker film .
( airplane ! , naked gun . )
the jokes are indeed that bad .
but just when you think the filmmakers are having fun with you , they take themselves seriously .
how dare they !
godzilla would have been better if it had only thrown in visual sight gags and fart jokes .
at least then we would know we were supposed to laugh .
each and every character in godzilla is beyond stupid and i was really pulling for the beast to kill more of them .
emmerich did do one thing , though .
( and i've no idea if it was intentional . )
he made me sympathize with godzilla .
his attackers were so damn dumb that i felt sorry for him being pelted with bullets and missles .
but what made me feel even sorrier for him was that his famous name will always be attatched to one of the worst films hollywood has ever produced .
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