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when i ponder childhood memories past , one of the things that always springs immediately to mind is watching the " inspector gadget " tv show with my older brother .
truth be told , we were rabid fanatics ; our version of cowboys and indians was chasing each other around our coffee table to the theme tune , alternating who would get to be gadget and who would be stuck playing the part of dr . claw , the inspector's arch nemesis .
i was never a biggie on nostalgia , but you just can't help but have fond memories of something like that .
sometimes i even find myself up at 4am watching re-runs of my favorite episodes , trying to recapture some of that sense of wonder i felt as a kid .
at the very least , i was expecting the new film version of the classic television series to have at least some kind of similar effect on me .
despite how horrid a film may be , the simple task of rekindling even a slight feeling of nostalgia is pretty tough to screw up .
so back i sat , with minimum expectations of what the movie would deliver ( let's face it ; exactly how good can a live-action disney film really be ? ) .
i was wise enough to steer clear from the likes of mr . magoo and george of the jungle ( two previous disney adaptations ) , and i wish to god that i had been sharp enough to skip gadget as well .
rarely has a movie left me with such an utter feeling of emptiness .
as everyone else was getting up to exit the screening room after the movie had completed its assault on mankind , i was left sitting there , absolutely speechless and totally dumbfounded at what i had just seen .
can something this awful truly exist in such an evolved world ?
right from the beginning , i knew i was in trouble .
in the opening scenes , each character is introduced as if their sole purpose is to just be , to simply serve as real-life duplicates of their cartoon clones .
when referring to them , people almost yell in fear that the audience will not catch on as to who a certain character is supposed to be ( " oh , hi penny !
is brain with you ? " ) .
creating one-dimensional replicas is one thing ; having mere names take the place of them is quite another .
the " plot " , shall we call it , stays fairly in tune with the original series .
matthew broderick stars as john brown ( how creative is that ? ) ,
a security guard who is horribly injured by a pack of ruthless businessmen headed by scolex ( why , rupert everett , for the love of god why ? ? ? ! ! ! ) , who himself is transformed into claw by an unfortunate chain of events .
brown is then rescued and used as a prototype for a new law-enforcement technology wherein he's joined with various machine parts and some nifty gadgets to form ( drumroll , please ) . . .
inspector gadget !
>from here on out , the movie becomes a hodgepodge of stupid dialog and confusing situations ( although , to be fair , my confusion could have been caused by the virtual concussion the film was inflicting upon my fragile mind ) .
there's something about an evil gadget taking over the city ( his first crime must have been swiping matt dillon's dentures from there's something about mary ) and it all ends with ( what else ? ) a bunch of post-credit nonsense and a cameo by don adams himself .
to be honest , i wasn't much paying attention to these " treats " .
i was just glad that it was over .