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this is the movie that could single-handedly bring " mystery science theater 3000 " out of cancellation .
it's one of those movies that's so bad it's absolutely hilarious , due in no small part to its big star , supermodel cindy crawford .
if you only remember one thing about fair game , it should be that it singlehandedly proves crawford should stick to the sports illustrated swimsuit issues .
if you thought kathy ireland was laughable in alien from l . a . , you'll change your mind when you see fair game .
ireland would win handfuls of oscars if this was her only competition .
in a real casting coup , crawford plays a super-intelligent lawyer ( in a jogging bra , of course ) .
we all know this is a stretch , the only legal opinion crawford has ever put forth being that she favors the death penalty for anyone who wears white after labor day .
nonetheless , someone out there thought she'd make a good lawyer , but we're reminded of her true function in the movie when she takes two showers in a period of twenty minutes .
and for you horny teenage boys out there , you actually get to see her topless for two seconds in the dark . . .
come to think of it , that may have been a body double .
cindy crawford isn't black , is she ?
like i said , crawford is a lawyer with a bunch of russians after her .
billy baldwin ( or is it stephen ?
alec ?
adam ?
kim basinger ? ) is the police detective who has to save her life , time after time , chase after chase , explosion after explosion .
there's absolutely nothing original about this movie .
it's every cop show of the 70's mixed with every action thriller of the 80's and every technology- exploitation movie of the 90's .
three decades of crap all in one place , driven further into the ground by crawford's complete lack of acting talent .
and it's all completely predictable .
you know the mistakes baldwin and crawford are going to make before they make them , you know when the " sexual tension " will finally end up in them consummating the relationship , you know when the villains will capture crawford so baldwin has to rescue her in the climax and you know the movie's going to suck from the first scene .
the plot isn't really explained until the end .
all we know is these russians have every detail about crawford in their computer .
in the words of one of the villains , " we even know what size pantyhose she wears . "
( yeah , you and every 14-year-old boy in america . )
he goes on to add , " we know more about her than she does . "
( _that_ i find very easy to believe . )
i hope you enjoyed those two sample dialogue quotes , because i wrote down plenty of other bad ones ( " if it weren't for me , you'd still be pulling bananas out of your ass in cuba ! " )
because , you see , fair game is not only a showcase for recycled action cliches and terrible acting , but also some seriously bad dialogue .
it all adds up to a really terrible movie that made me laugh in plenty of places i wasn't supposed to and grimace in places i was supposed to laugh .
one more thing fair game has against it is some awful comic relief .
would you laugh at a scene where crawford tortures a computer nerd with double entendres like " i'm very interested in _hard_ware " and other crap about playing with his joystick ?
i wouldn't , but not because i'm a computer nerd .
it's just not funny .
crawford's only contribution to the information age are a few gif files floating around with her head on a nude traci lords' body . . .
or was it jack lord's body ?
i'll leave you with the final line of dialogue in the movie .
the boat with all the russians has just blown up and baldwin and crawford are floating on a life raft .
crawford says woodenly , " that was my client's boat you just blew up .
i'm filing a lawsuit against you .
you're in big trouble , " or something to that effect , and baldwin replies smugly , " what do i have to do to get out of it ? "
they of course begin making out and the credits roll .
i'm not going to talk about how stupid the line is or how , if they'd really wanted to go for a bad closing line they would have had baldwin say , " you think i could settle out of court ? "
but i will tell you that , if anyone ever suggests you watch fair game with him or her , you quote the final line of the movie to that person : " what do i have to do to get out of it ? "
serving america for over 1/50th of a century !
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