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after seeing blaze and driving miss daisy , i was ready for some mindless fun--oh , maybe something like tango & cash .
maybe not !
mindless fun is one thing , but brain-dead slop is another matter altogether .
tango & cash has " lowest common denominator " written all over it .
the movie stars sylvester stallone and kurt russell as rival undercover cops in l . a . russell plays cash , a reckless slob who dresses in jeans and tee shirts .
stallone plays tango , a wealthy investor who works on the force strictly for the thrill of it ; he doesn't need the money .
in an effort to change his image , stallone goes for a yuppie , gq look in the film , wearing spectacles and three piece suits .
the two detectives reluctantly become partners after they are framed for murder and have to break out of prison to clear their names .
tango & cash is unbearably noisy .
for starters , there's harold faltermeyer's annoying synthesized score , which gets old after four notes .
to make matters worse , the filmmakers seem to think that when it comes to loud explosions and screeching cars , the more the merrier .
in fact , the movie begins with not one but two car chases .
there's nothing like a good old car chase to introduce the characters in a movie .
screenwriter randy feldman's brain must have gone to mush from watching too many cop shows on tv .
his shockingly stupid screenplay undermines anything and everything the movie has going for it , such as stallone's efforts to convince you that tango is an intellectual .
in a movie with the iq level of an amoeba , even a great actor is going to have trouble looking intelligent--and stallone is no lawrence olivier .
it's hard to imagine anyone reading feldman's script and thinking , " i want to be in this movie . "
the film's plot doesn't have one original bone in its body , and--again--you have to point your finger at the screenwriting .
feldman's story line succumbs to every crime thriller cliche in the book , making tango & cash altogether generic and predictable .
they simply could have called it " action movie . "
every character , every twist and turn , is stolen from television or from other movies .
adding insult to injury , tango & cash is about as believable as a " road runner " cartoon .
action movies don't have to be realistic , but they should absorb you enough so that you're not thinking about the lack of realism .
the only artistic aspect of tango & cash is the cinematography .
there are some spectacular shots , especially during the rainy nighttime prison break in which tango and cash slide to safety on electrical wires .
the film's main draw is the chemistry between stallone and russell .
unfortunately , their relationship rarely progresses past macho competition as they endlessly bicker about who packs more meat in his pants .
the dialogue consists of nothing but one-liners , and consequently the attempts at character development are embarrassing .
it's a shame because with a workable screenplay , russell and stallone could have turned tango & cash into a charming " lethal weaponesque " adventure .
tango & cash tries to maintain a light tone , and you do laugh about once every five minutes .
seeing russell in drag is the movie's funniest moment , but you probably already have seen it in the commercials .
furthermore , the light tone does not sit well against the relentlessly brutal violence .
machine guns and torture generally don't mix well with comedy .
jack palance appears in tango & cash doing what he does best : playing a sleazy , conniving villain .
his character , however , is run-of-the-mill , except for his strange obsession with mice .
like many movie villains , palance likes to play games .
in fact , he sets a ridiculously elaborate trap for tango and cash , a trap which sends the two detectives to prison so they can be beaten and electrocuted by some meanies in the boiler room .
you have to wonder why palance doesn't just shoot the detectives in the head !
the story would crumble if any of the characters were to do anything intelligent .
teri hatcher plays stallone's sister and russell's love-interest , and she is just as pretty as can be .
but regrettably , hatcher's acting is not on par with her exceptional beauty .
every time she opens her mouth , you cringe ; corny dialogue and atrocious acting are always a fatal combination .
there's really very little , if anything , to recommend in the film .
and , more to the point , tango definitely isn't worth a penny of your cash--so don't bother .
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