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* * * be warned . . .
the following review contains some harsh language * * *
the blair witch project .
quite possibly the least scariest movie of all time .
if you want to see real terror on the big screen go back and watch any scene with jar jar binks in the phantom menace , because this movie is not scary or even remotely creepy .
my colleague and friend chuck dowling wrote that if less is more , then the blair witch filmmakers must have thought that nothing is more .
and this worked for him .
well , i'm sorry , but nothing . . .
is nothing ! ! ! ! !
nothing is not more .
it's nothiiiiiinggggggggggg ! ! ! ! ! ! .
i do not pay 5 dollars to see nothing .
" nothing " is free , available all around the world at a location near you .
i am absolutely in amazement that some people find this movie scary .
i could just discount them and say , " well , i guess they are just pansy chicken shits who are probably scared of their own shadow . "
but i have intelligent friends who like this movie and so that doesn't hold water .
there must be some other reason .
( then again , maybe my first thought is correct , i think i'll try pointing their shadow out to them one day and test their reaction . )
when i hear people praising this film , i never hear them talking about what makes up about 97% of this movie : three kids bickering with each other about being lost .
they only talk about what might make up possibly 3 to 4 minutes of screen time .
this being a few very short night scenes where the kids hear some unscary sounds and another where they shout " josh ! ! "
over and over .
this film should not be called the blair witch project , it should more accurately be called three dumb and pisspoor filmmakers get lost . . .
and argue with each other .
oh ladies and gentlemen you will be so scared when you hear them shouting " josh ! ! " .
and if you thought that was scary , wait till you see a pile of rocks , and then some tinkertoy lincoln logs , oh my dear lord you will be pissing in your pants with fear .
oh yeah , and some goo on one of their backpacks .
you've never seen terror like this folks , and you don't want to .
the chevy chase/goldie hawn comedy foul play is creepier than this film .
( for current films , i highly recommend the sixth sense or a stir of echoes for a creepy filmgoing experience . )
this film is an example of marketing with no substance .
the marketing was brilliant , and the whole nation is in awe of just the premise for the film .
they want this film to be good .
and i think they are reaching and praising the wrong movie because they don't have anything else to praise .
that wonderful film that rejuvenates the horror genre may come along , but this is not it .
this film could have been so much better .
just think , if maybe there had been only 10 minutes of arguing about being lost , and 80 minutes of nighttime stuff .
i saw this movie with a girl who was extremely pumped for it .
she was sold on this film .
and then , at one point during it , she turned to me and asked ' . . . are
we supposed to be scared by this ? ' .
i've heard one opinion that you " have to use your imagination " to create the fear in this movie .
well , i thought that was what the filmmakers were supposed to do .
use their imagination and create a good movie .
i mean anyone can use their imagination and not pay 5 bucks for it .
but even if you like this idea , then what are you imagining ?
an entity called the blair witch ?
some rednecks fucking with these kids ?
are either of these things really scary when you think about it ? ? ?
i've heard several people say that this movie makes them recall how scary it can be to be out in the woods and hear something .
well sure thats scary in real life , but there are a lot of things that are scary in real life that are not scary in a movie nor even interesting .
you could sit in your house and see a snake or a spider and it could be scary , but in a film it wouldn't be .
and no , a movie does not need a big budget or cgi special effects to be scary or creepy .
actually the less the better ( see the equally awful remake of the haunting ) .
but you have to do something .
you cant just count on us all having nostalgic memories of how something like this could be scary , if it were real .
and by the way , about the shakycam filming in blair witch .
aren't these supposed to be " filmmakers " who should know how to point a camera and shoot something without shaking the camera constantly ?
i'm not even talking about the couple scenes where they are terrified , that's justified .
i'm talking about the other 87 minutes of the movie where they can't seem to shoot anything smoothly at all .
minor quibble there .
there is a feeling in me that the people that like this movie are suckers .
that the filmmakers are just laughing their asses off all the way to the bank .
and i think there is a good chance they will see this film again and say to themselves " what was i thinking ? ? " .
but , if they don't , then thats fine .
if it works for them then that's okay i guess .
i just lament that by making this movie a hit , we are going to be subjected to more of the " nothing is more " approach .
pretty soon we're going to get some movies like this : just a still shot of a prison jail cell .
for 90 minutes .
and we'll have to use our imagination and think to ourselves , " my god , wouldn't it be scary to spend life in prison ? ! !
this movie is the scariest movie of all time ! ! ! ! ! " .
or , a shot of a coffin , with some funeral directors arguing with each other .
" man , do you know how scary it would be to die ? ? ? ! ! ! !
now this is the scariest movie of all time ! ! ! ! "
[r]
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