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please don't mind this windbag letting off a bit of steam . . . i
just want to warn all of y'all not to waste your hard-earned $$$ on anaconda .
it's not even worth a 99-cent video rental .
don't listen to ebert on this one ( he has no clue what he's talking about ! )
btw i accompanied my friend to this one because she was * required * to watch it on assignment ( she reviews movies for a local paper ) .
now i'll actually back up my huffing and puffing .
here goes :
movie : anaconda rydain's bottom line : wait for it to come on usa up all night .
even then , i doubt it's worth the price of jolt ( to help you stay up that late ! )
why do i hate anaconda ?
let me count the ways . . .
first of all , this movie gets way too many snake facts wrong .
as an ophiophile ( snake lover ) , i can tell you that a ) anacondas would never reach a length of 40 feet , b ) they're scared of people , c ) cases of snakes eating adult humans are extremely rare because human shoulders are too wide to fit in a snake's mouth , and constrictor snakes don't kill what they can't eat , d ) people can outrun snakes with no trouble , especially heavy ones like anacondas , e ) if an anaconda did eat a human , it would need at least 6 months of sitting on its butt to digest the huge meal , therefore it couldn't run around gobbling up everybody else in the cast , and f ) snakes have no vocal cords , so they can't make funny squealing noises .
whew .
i was prepared to suspend reality if the movie would have been worth it .
unfortunately , anaconda was about as suspenseful and exciting as watching paint peel .
my friend and i even successfully predicted who would live at the end .
anybody can tell the bad guy is going to die eventually .
that was a pity because his character was one of the few reasons my friend and i didn't give up and fall asleep .
he was the most likable character in the movie .
who wouldn't enjoy somebody who looks like a deranged walt whitman ?
anaconda did have its cute moments : arguments between ice cube's character and the british guy , for instance .
however , those small flashes of wit were not worth the other hour and twenty-eight minutes of boring schlock .
the writers had - and blew - a multitude of opportunities to insert funny lines .
i was quite disappointed with a scene where a young guy tells a young lady that the jungle makes him horny .
did she retort with a clever , ego-withering comeback ?
of course not !
" i'm trying to work ! "
gee , that's even dumber than the crap comebacks i come up with .
she could have told him to go find a knothole or something . . .
; p but i will admit , there was just one scene where i was surprised at the outcome ( hint : it involves the evil guy and miss crap comebacks ) .
as for the plot , i'm still trying to find one .
this movie was basically an excuse to get a boatload of people into dangerous territory where they could get snarfed by ridiculous , computer-generated anacondas with the eyes and fangs of vipers and the faster-than-gravity downward acceleration of a harrier jet .
( harrier snake ? )
not to mention instant digestion so they could go snarf countless other victims .
the writers tried to throw in some sort of plot twist ( should i call it a plot knot because it made no sense ? ) in which the sick guy's g-friend kisses the evil dude and suddenly everybody hates said evil dude and starts trying to kill him .
that was about as clear and understandable as mission : impossible .
( if someone could explain that movie to me , i'd be most grateful !
all the old-guy double agents looked the same ! ! )
i wasn't inspired by the acting , save for the evil dude .
i can't blame the actors , though .
it's not their fault they had a cruddy script to work with .
this concludes rydain's diatribe on a shameless exploitation ( and perpetuation ! ) of public fear of snakes .
comments , flames , anyone ?
-rydain the atomic cheese , fresh from chernobyl dairies !