I'm not entirely sure this will work on all environments. I know for certain it won't work on most shared hosting providers due to security and therefore limited function availability. I've included binaries for Linux, Windows, and Mac OS X. However, there is no working NPM implementation. I'm not sure I'd use this, and haven't warranted any time towards that.
I'm releasing it because I have no use for it and it may save someone who had a similar idea some time :D