f716ab3 Mar 17, 2014
110 lines (107 sloc) 12.6 KB
# Description
# A slightly incomplete collection of "When you say..." tweets from @rands
# Dependencies:
# None
# Configuration:
# None
# Commands:
# hubot rands - A nugget of Randsian wisdom is dispensed
# hubot rands count - The number of wisdom nuggets is returned
# Notes:
# None
# Author:
# pberry
module.exports = (robot) ->
wisdom = [
"Management works when you actually mean what you say.",
"When you say \"unique leadership style,\" I hear \"jerk.\"",
"When you say \"Not invented here,\" I hear \"It'd be more fun to build it.\"",
"When you say \"Monetizing eyeballs,\" I hear \"We're going to stop building the stuff that matters.\"",
"When you say “Detail oriented,” I hear “Gives a shit.”",
"When you say \"I'll be the first to admit,\" I hear \"Everyone has been telling me I should admit this.\"",
"When you say \"I trust your judgement,\" I hear \"I trust that you think you know better, but it will be entertaining to watch you fail.\"",
"When you say \"I'm not suggesting,\" I hear \"I'm disguising my suggestions.\"",
"When you say \"infrastructure play,\" I want to punch you.",
"When you say \"Let's get on the same page,\" I hear, \"Let's get on my page.\"",
"When you say \"Go forward plan,\" I hear \"It's more important to go forward than have a plan.\"",
"When you say \"Build awareness,\" I hear \"Listen to me more.\"",
"When you say \"Soon,\" I hear \"I don't know when.\"",
"When you say \"It's really easy,\" I hear \"I wish it was really easy.\"",
"When you say \"Normalize,\" I hear \"Improve legibility\" and then I sleep better at night.",
"When you say \"Nothing is changing,\" I hear \"Yet.\"",
"When you say \"A fundamental shift in business,\" I hear \"We'll be losing money for awhile\" :",
"When you say “Conventional wisdom,” I hear “Path of least resistance.”",
"When you say, “Falling through the cracks,” I hear “I don’t know why it’s breaking.”",
"When you say \"Service event,\" I hear \"We are bullshitting you about the facts\" :",
"When you say “Absolutely!” I hear “I am not fond of ambiguity.”",
"When you say “We need to work on that,” I hear “Never.”",
"When you say “Bespoke,” I can’t stop thinking about bicycles.",
"When you say \"Quaint,\" I hear \"I can't be bothered to imagine that things could change.\"",
"When you say \"Relaunch,\" I hear, \"The pivot isn't working.\"",
"When you say \"Design-y\", I stop listening.",
"When you say “It’s simple”, I hear “I don’t have to explain why it’s hard”.",
"When you say “You suck”, I think “I win”.",
"When you say “Thought leader”, I hear “You talk pretty”.",
"When you say “Friendly reminder,” I hear “I will mess you up if you miss this deadline.”",
"When you say “I trust your judgement,” I hear “I trust that you think you know better, but it will be entertaining to watch you fail.”",
"When you say “It’s complicated,” I hear, “You aren’t going to like the answer.”",
"When you say “Offsite”, I hear “Boondoggle”.",
"When you say “Let’s send a message”, I hear “We don’t actually know what to say.”",
"When you say “I’m a straight talker”, I hear “I don’t care that you don’t understand me”.",
"When you say “Sure”, I don’t hear “Yes.”",
"When you say “The facts are”, I hear “These are the facts I want you to know.”",
"When you say “You hit the nail on the head”, I hear “I wish I thought of that.”",
"When you say “He’s the real deal,” I think “What deal do you think I think he is?”",
"When you say “Hang tough”, I hear “We have no better strategy than letting you stand there being punched”.",
"When you say “A learning mindset”, I hear “I’m about to use big words that I don’t expect you to understand”.",
"When you say “Executive Coach”, I hear “Expensive common sense”.",
"When you say “Have to”, I hear “Don’t want to.”",
"When you say “Iterate”, I try to hear “Working until it’s great” rather than “Working endlessly because you can’t describe done.”",
"When you say “Technical debt,” I hear “We’ve been hacking.”",
"When you say “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it”, I hear “I agree this is my task, but I don’t care”.",
"When you say “Thank god it’s Friday”, I hear “I hate my job”.",
"When you say “Crowd-sourced”, I hear “We have no plan” :",
"When you say “Most people,” I hear “All the dumb people except me.”",
"When you say “Hope” to an engineer, they hear “I have no credible plan”.",
"When you say “We’re experiencing growing pains”, I hear “I didn’t think of that”.",
"When you say “It is what it is”, I hear “I have totally given up”.",
"When you say “Glaring blind spot”, I hear “Yeah, I didn’t see that coming, either”.",
"When you say “All things being equal”, I hear “I’m confused why things aren’t equal.”",
"When you say “Whatever”, I don’t hear much because I’m grinding my teeth with fury.",
"When you say “Better is the enemy of done”, I hear “It’s ok to ship crap”",
"When you say “Go Forward Plan” I hear “I picked a direction and called it forward”",
"When you say “Perhaps it’s just me,” I hear “Yeah, everyone should think like I do.”",
"When you say “The powers that be”, I hear “I have absolutely no authority in this matter”.",
"When you say “a mix of personalities,” I hear “a couple of folks that drive me crazy.”",
"When you say “I hate it”, I hear “I don’t have the time to actually have an opinion”.",
"When you say “organizational efficiency expert”, I hear “ABHJKJDHhuASDKJH BHS SAD SAHJJHASDJH NAHJASDHAJS” (sfx: my head hitting keyboard)",
"When you say “It’s an imprecise science”, I hear “I am fully making this up as I go.”",
"When you say “Let’s cut through the bullshit”, I hear “You‘re not telling me what I want to hear”.",
"When you say “I don’t care”, I often hear “I don’t want to deal with the consequences of deciding”.",
"When you say “Cost Effective”, I hear “I’m too busy to understand value in any other terms than money.”",
"When you say, “You‘re the boss” I hear “We got together and all agree that you‘re about to screw this up”",
"When you say “It wasn’t meant to happen”, I hear “We don’t know or can’t explain how we screwed up.”",
"When you say “The last thing I want to happen is”, I hear “This is what I expect to occur”.",
"When you say “Well, you‘re lucky that..”, I hear “Well, I have absolutely no control or influence over this situation”.",
"When you say “No Meeting Wednesday,” I hear, “We’ve let meetings take over.”",
"When you say “Sinus infection,” I hear, “I’m fully in denial that I am sick.”",
"@IAmRoot When you say “management consultants,” I die a little inside.",
"When you say “We’re firefighting,” I hear “We lack a credible plan.”",
"When you say “It’s was an iterative process,” I hear “It blows.”",
"When you say “It is what what it is,” I hear “It is not what I want.”",
"When you say “Can you remind me?” I hear “I’ve already forgotten this thing I don’t actually care about.”",
"When you say, “It’s not a big deal,” I hear, “I’d prefer if you thought this wasn’t a big deal.”",
"When you say “You get the idea,” I hear “Because I’m bored talking about it.”",
"When you say, “Everything happens for a reason,” I hear “I wish I knew the reason.”",
"When you say “Let’s keep an open mind,” I hear “Because you’re really not going to like what is about to occur.”",
"When you say, “I’ll know it when I see it,” I hear “Your time is less important in figuring out this thing I care more about than you.”"
robot.respond /rands$/i, (msg) ->
msg.send msg.random wisdom
robot.respond /rands count$/i, (msg) ->
msg.send("I currently have #{wisdom.length} Randisms in my database.")