diff --git a/app/javascript/mastodon/features/account/components/header.js b/app/javascript/mastodon/features/account/components/header.js
index 3239b1085cb8a..b728c66e29f0d 100644
--- a/app/javascript/mastodon/features/account/components/header.js
+++ b/app/javascript/mastodon/features/account/components/header.js
@@ -16,6 +16,57 @@ const messages = defineMessages({
   requested: { id: 'account.requested', defaultMessage: 'Awaiting approval' },
 });
 
+/*
+  THIS IS A MESS BECAUSE EFFING MASTODON AND ITS EFFING HTML BIOS
+  INSTEAD OF JUST STORING EVERYTHING IN PLAIN EFFING TEXT ! ! ! !
+  BLANK LINES ALSO WON'T WORK BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MASTODON CONVERTS
+  THOSE INTO `<P>` ELEMENTS INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT AS `<BR><BR>` !
+  TL:DR; THIS IS LARGELY A HACK. WITH BETTER BACKEND STUFF WE CAN
+  IMPROVE THIS BY BETTER PREDICTING HOW THE METADATA WILL BE SENT
+  WHILE MAINTAINING BASIC PLAIN-TEXT PROCESSING. THE OTHER OPTION
+  IS TO TURN ALL BIOS INTO PLAIN-TEXT VIA A TREE-WALKER, AND THEN
+  PROCESS THE YAML AND LINKS AND EVERYTHING OURSELVES. THIS WOULD
+  BE INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED, AND IT WOULD BE A MILLION TIMES LESS
+  DIFFICULT IF MASTODON JUST GAVE US PLAIN-TEXT BIOS (WHICH QUITE
+  FRANKLY MAKES THE MOST SENSE SINCE THAT'S WHAT USERS PROVIDE IN
+  SETTINGS) TO BEGIN WITH AND LEFT ALL PROCESSING TO THE FRONTEND
+  TO HANDLE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
+  ANYWAY I KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE REGARDING BACKEND STUFF BUT
+  I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ACTUALLY IMPLEMENT IT
+  SO FEEL FREE TO @ ME IF YOU NEED MY IDEAS REGARDING THAT. UNTIL
+  THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH THIS MESSY AND UNFORTUNATE
+  HACKING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
+
+                                           with love,
+                                           @kibi@glitch.social <3
+*/
+
+const NEW_LINE    = /(?:^|\r?\n|<br\s*\/?>)/g
+const YAML_OPENER = /---/;
+const YAML_CLOSER = /(?:---|\.\.\.)/;
+const YAML_STRING = /(?:"(?:[^"\n]){1,32}"|'(?:[^'\n]){1,32}'|(?:[^'":\n]){1,32})/g;
+const YAML_LINE = new RegExp("\\s*" + YAML_STRING.source + "\\s*:\\s*" + YAML_STRING.source + "\\s*", "g");
+const BIO_REGEX = new RegExp(NEW_LINE.source + "*" + YAML_OPENER.source + NEW_LINE.source + "+(?:" + YAML_LINE.source + NEW_LINE.source + "+){0,4}" + YAML_CLOSER.source + NEW_LINE.source + "*");
+
+const processBio = (data) => {
+  let props = {text: data, metadata: []};
+  let yaml = data.match(BIO_REGEX);
+  if (!yaml) return props;
+  else yaml = yaml[0];
+  let start = props.text.indexOf(yaml);
+  let end = start + yaml.length;
+  props.text = props.text.substr(0, start) + props.text.substr(end);
+  yaml = yaml.replace(NEW_LINE, "\n");
+  let metadata = (yaml ? yaml.match(YAML_LINE) : []) || [];
+  for (let i = 0; i < metadata.length; i++) {
+    let result = metadata[i].match(YAML_STRING);
+    if (result[0][0] === '"' || result[0][0] === "'") result[0] = result[0].substr(1, result[0].length - 2);
+    if (result[1][0] === '"' || result[1][0] === "'") result[0] = result[1].substr(1, result[1].length - 2);
+    props.metadata.push(result);
+  }
+  return props;
+};
+
 const makeMapStateToProps = () => {
   const mapStateToProps = state => ({
     autoPlayGif: state.getIn(['meta', 'auto_play_gif']),
@@ -122,21 +173,44 @@ export default class Header extends ImmutablePureComponent {
       lockedIcon = <i className='fa fa-lock' />;
     }
 
-    const content         = { __html: emojify(account.get('note')) };
-    const displayNameHTML = { __html: emojify(escapeTextContentForBrowser(displayName)) };
+    const displayNameHTML    = { __html: emojify(escapeTextContentForBrowser(displayName)) };
+    const { text, metadata } = processBio(account.get('note'));
 
     return (
-      <div className='account__header' style={{ backgroundImage: `url(${account.get('header')})` }}>
-        <div>
-          <Avatar account={account} autoPlayGif={this.props.autoPlayGif} />
+      <div className='account__header__wrapper'>
+        <div className='account__header' style={{ backgroundImage: `url(${account.get('header')})` }}>
+          <div>
+            <Avatar account={account} autoPlayGif={this.props.autoPlayGif} />
 
-          <span className='account__header__display-name' dangerouslySetInnerHTML={displayNameHTML} />
-          <span className='account__header__username'>@{account.get('acct')} {lockedIcon}</span>
-          <div className='account__header__content' dangerouslySetInnerHTML={content} />
+            <span className='account__header__display-name' dangerouslySetInnerHTML={displayNameHTML} />
+            <span className='account__header__username'>@{account.get('acct')} {lockedIcon}</span>
+            <div className='account__header__content' dangerouslySetInnerHTML={{__html: emojify(text)}} />
 
-          {info}
-          {actionBtn}
+            {info}
+            {actionBtn}
+          </div>
         </div>
+
+        {metadata.length && (
+          <div className='account__metadata'>
+            {(() => {
+              let data = [];
+              for (let i = 0; i < metadata.length; i++) {
+                data.push(
+                  <div
+                    className='account__metadata-item'
+                    title={metadata[i][0] + ":" + metadata[i][1]}
+                    key={i}
+                  >
+                    <span dangerouslySetInnerHTML={{__html: emojify(metadata[i][0])}} />
+                    <strong dangerouslySetInnerHTML={{__html: emojify(metadata[i][1])}} />
+                  </div>
+                );
+              }
+              return data;
+            })()}
+          </div>
+        ) || null}
       </div>
     );
   }
diff --git a/app/javascript/styles/components.scss b/app/javascript/styles/components.scss
index c2062c398f8e7..10ce06940d5c8 100644
--- a/app/javascript/styles/components.scss
+++ b/app/javascript/styles/components.scss
@@ -820,9 +820,12 @@
   padding: 10px;
 }
 
-.account__header {
+.account__header__wrapper {
   flex: 0 0 auto;
   background: lighten($ui-base-color, 4%);
+}
+
+.account__header {
   text-align: center;
   background-size: cover;
   background-position: center;
@@ -887,6 +890,42 @@
   }
 }
 
+.account__metadata {
+  display: block;
+  font-size: 15px;
+  line-height: 36px;
+  overflow: hidden;
+
+  .account__metadata-item {
+    display: flex;
+    flex-direction: row;
+    border-top: 1px solid lighten($ui-base-color, 8%);
+
+    & > span, & > strong {
+      display: inline-block;
+      padding: 10px 20px;
+      overflow: hidden;
+      text-overflow: ellipsis;
+      white-space: nowrap;
+    }
+
+    & > span {
+      flex: 0 0 auto;
+      width: 120px;
+      color: $ui-primary-color;
+      background: lighten($ui-base-color, 13%);
+      font-variant: small-caps;
+    }
+
+    & > strong {
+      flex: auto;
+      color: $primary-text-color;
+      background: $ui-base-color;
+      font-weight: bold;
+    }
+  }
+}
+
 .account__action-bar {
   border-top: 1px solid lighten($ui-base-color, 8%);
   border-bottom: 1px solid lighten($ui-base-color, 8%);