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Best of recruitment platitudes and how they must be understood. Feel free to contribute some bullshit! ;-)
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README.md

README.md

Hi,

apologies for the unsolicited message but I stumbled upon your very interesting profile and thought we should chat: You're the perfect fit for an open position at a really interesting company at the armpit of the world.

Requirements & Responsibilities

  • You finish projects before anybody knows what needs to be done
  • You will design and develop awesome magic software solutions
  • You will write code that all your peers will admire, onehandedly with lightning-speed
  • You are expected to wear nerdy t-shirts, kill 1l of Club Mate per day, and prefer White Russian
  • You will have many opportunities to use and advocate for bleeding edge technologies
  • You have 42 years of experience, as well as a fresh young appearance
  • You are expected to have a longer beard than Gandalf's
  • You have experience in managing and building up teams between 2 and 9,223,372,036,854,775,807 members
  • You counted to infinity (three times)
  • You know any docs on *js.com, *js.org or *.io domains by heart
  • You love doing backend and server configuration stuff, too
  • You have written and spoken language proficiency in German, English, Farsi, Italian, Spanish, Dutch, Swedish, Japanese, Hindi, Finnisch and Hungarian (Latin and Ancient Greek are advantageous)
  • You bring along innovation skills, flexibility, mobility, and a young spirit as well as good looks under pressure, trustworthiness, a sense of responsibility, discipline, and conscientiousness.
  • You like to directly impact the experience for millions of consumers around the world
  • You require no more than two hours of sleep each night without it impacting your good mood and you can code for up to 1 week without a break.
  • You demonstrate high involvement in the Open Source community (nit picking about typos, changing code to comma-first back and forth, sending pull requests with your local config, opening IE6 issues, etc)
  • You don't optimize for browsers. Browsers are being optimized for you
  • When you commit, it's not just a message
  • You have a green thumb for all kinds of branches
  • There are new challenges and responsibilities everyday!

Some bulletpoints about the company

  • We are the leading international leader
  • Our culture is fun, open and creative (we are fucking young and fresh and easy and laid-back and cool and awesome – but not hip!)
  • Our goal is to provide the best web and mobile user experience possible, in a fast-paced iterative manner.
  • Our company name contains fancy french accents
  • We work in a scalable cloud production environment
  • We are based in Berlin
  • We are funded by Ashton Kutcher's Mum
  • We are doing innovative business: Like Facebook for AirBNB with soundcloud
  • We offer a competitive base salary plus an amazing bonus plan, profit sharing and award program
  • We also offer outstanding perks, award programs, bonuses and so much more! (e.g. free soda, free Club Mate, free hugs, free WiFi, unlimited power outlets, private airport – to be fully opened end of 2014)
  • We always welcome your input - so that there is some at least
  • For motivated employees the company offers a remunerative Share Option Plan!
  • Our employees are allowed to work from wherever they are, as long as it's one of our offices
  • We love open-source technologies as long as it's free
  • Most of the technological buzzwords listed on Wikipedia are actual inventions of our grandmas

Please reply back with your CV and I'll tell you more about the role, and also send it to gazillions of other companies.

Best regards John Foe

PS: I also got another open position at némata, go check it out.

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