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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to
sitting in a semicircle.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies
to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies
untouchable.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I
don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the
Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should
be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store,"
and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish.
Because they're grouper fish.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have
them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling.
So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't
make any sense at all.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe,
$2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I
said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I
say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into
the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with
bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I
must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down
some candy bars!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses,
too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese?
Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my
bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It
would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different
reasons.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking
me - come a little closer!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it,
everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then
let's print up some flyers!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less
available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a
crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a
hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The
metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time
I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass
in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will
take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses
make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't
want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does
not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I
elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this
electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said,
"Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean.
I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers."
So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to
sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to
refresh itself.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic
wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing
you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone
with me.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off
the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such
an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled
calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will
not know if I have won!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the
show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes.
You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55
million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if
you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that
you are angry."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's
that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year
old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum
got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will
run out.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does
half the time.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give
you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web,
I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops
that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is
saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It
started with 555.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with
your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the
exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again,
and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I
said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be
chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you
would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a
picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that
happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they
could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of
crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how
much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a
glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any
integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you
squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the
dark too.
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for
letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using
numbers.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny.
When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on
something else.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would
be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone
went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home,
knock on wood!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did
that joke backwards.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test.
I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No".
I say, "Cool, because you know me."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think
they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for
something.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they
said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me,
is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't
understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words,
put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you
raise it up!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay
for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that
says, "Say thanks!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had
to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of
silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her
car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and
you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your
credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm
really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so
thanks for the assistance!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of
listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are
not ugly.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I
won't say anything."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three
minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you
can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for
an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular
oatmeal and feel productive.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old
girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then
I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she
can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that
means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the
back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating
candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm
frightened.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was at a concert in LA, and the band was having an off night, and some
people in the audience started throwing tomatoes at the band. Now who
would throw tomatoes at the band? That's bad. But who would bring a tomato
to a show? That's worse. Don't throw tomatoes at the band. What if they
really like tomatoes? They'll think you're enjoying the show. "You guys
are great - here's a tomato!" The tomato is the universal sign for not
enjoying a performance. Plus I like it on sandwiches! I had the guy at
Subway put tomatoes on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was
making it. I don't know what that meant there. That was ad-libbed.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You
start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop
with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated
because this is a half-assed commitment!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man,
it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it."
And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I
need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of
the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No
problem. That will not remain singular."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's
afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an
extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end,
and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to
take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I
can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says,
"What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some
insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far
away!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other
comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had
equal shine and bounce.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music."
As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it
too. You're not special.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash.
That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a
snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry
about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay
down!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of
an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I
wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A guy came up to me in the airport, saying, "Dude, I saw you on TV last
night!" But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good. He just
confirmed I was on television. So I turned away for a minute, and then I
turned back toward him and said, "I saw you at the airport about a minute
ago. And you were good!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they
were shot in the face with a BB gun.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read
that too.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call
them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I
have some locations available.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going
to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is
ridiculous.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a
full joke there! It's filler.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You
can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the
only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have
cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My
teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race;
we will prevail!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy.
They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like
Manhattan.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are
white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on
now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have
to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to
sleep on the wall.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this
is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do
not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot
help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think
the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?"
I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised,
plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun.
Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord
for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of
view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he
knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his
head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know
what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the
emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a
lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not
stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency
make-the-car-smell-funny lever.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long
hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake.
And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats
cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't
bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see
how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all
of those people were at my show.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not
start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird
questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other
guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do
other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a
script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook,
and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they're going
and hook up with them later.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I
bought a cake.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my
pocket and pineapple is next!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you
people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you
feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part,
but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was
a second part to the question.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can
make a cart.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever
to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all
these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese.
Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I
got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible
plates!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for
saying that.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans
there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw,
come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many
jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there
was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed
out, so I kicked it.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family
photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left.
As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened
over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is
cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to
alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them
more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they
could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at
turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody
just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like
you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers
missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an
accident!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I
ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except
for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came
out.
Imagine if an bow and arrow killed you. That would suck. An arrow killed
you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go
that way."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had
my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited
pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations.
"Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're
telling me, "Here, you go throw this away."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together and then
I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes all at once.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I
think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or
they thought we were OK.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target
should have people splattered all around.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We
weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed
it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good
while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I
was back to pondering my mortality.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind
of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is
work, you know - there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know
I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want a dream of me
watching myself sleep.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and
he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I
started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of
earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey,
you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium
accessories!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say
man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep
going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like
Tide."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would
hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the
Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people
standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less
chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a
bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help
prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in
person!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad
place for an argument, because when I tried to walk out, I had to slam the
flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it
up real quick?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear
joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear
is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the
forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a
lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we
should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool.
Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I
better play dead!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and
leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please
alphabetize it."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wear V-neck shirts. I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I
especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled
by a really weak guy. All day! If you wear a backpack and a turtleneck,
it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's
fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a
large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get
outta here!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a
waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two."
They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers,
they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what
happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time
like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy!
"Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees
involved.
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really
likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll
just make a copy!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in
a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets
called to the set.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't
Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the
contraction.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids
can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read
the sign, punk!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be screwed up.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her
number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered.
"You sound older!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I
buy a candy bar in a store, sometimes I will drop it so it will reach its
maximum flavor potential.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why
2 was created.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at
home. There's more to it than that.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you
exactly which way it's coming.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they're
just as good, and we're not wasting time.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's
like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else
with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other
people!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said
"Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if
it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my
sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form
a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the
sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a
circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about
frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when
you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I
need more dice."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the
pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million
dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to
exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know,
all the time.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a
headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are
amazing!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Foosball
screwed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and
then spin round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several,
simultaneously with two other guys who look just like me.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want
these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to
be sawed down, then it's annoying.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as
good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan
instead."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the
day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes
arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut
'em up!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that
stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish
sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have
to clarify that I'm just joking.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never
see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator
Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be
convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then
let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it
late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "I don't believe
you, let me see the inside of your lip."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or,
if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought
of ain't funny.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane.
They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth.
That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is
wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't
buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar,
and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good
invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners.
"Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the
bottom row!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of
$19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments
and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but
one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the
envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The
final payment must be made in wampum.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to
be real big.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would
drive you crazy.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push is HH.
So I pressed the H button twice. Potato chips came out! Turns out there
was an HH button. You gotta let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept
of HH. I did not learn my AA BB CCs.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s
there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time
you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and
says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really
excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he
had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been
impressed.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate.
That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's
way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy
yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost,
but now I live here!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to
decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This
bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is
over in that other guy's house.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't
need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the
doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into
this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought
a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a
doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file
at home, under 'D'".
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I
guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't
believe what I have in store for you."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother
was.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need
to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the
answer first.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally
cooks stuff.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read
it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy;
refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add
"er".
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word
that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine
sandwiches? All-encompassingly!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the
devil, and the devil is dill.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
At the end of a letter I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the
alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important
than others.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for
saying that.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a
regular banana later, so, Yeah."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his
degree.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I
don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet, I will have a beret
on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr.
Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A mini-bar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take
something out of the mini-bar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it
before they check it off and charge me, but they make that stuff
impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a
glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go
see Dr. Acula.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in
the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top
two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet?
But, hey this song is funky."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I
like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't
have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a
thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of
something.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they
don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This
thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but
often they'll use too many letters? "Call
1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I
dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know
I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd
say that's not my foot!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was
younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture
of me when I'm older." How you'd pull that off? What's that camera look
like?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to
sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that
way for a half an hour?"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have
my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and
Pop"!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free
key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it,
which is good, because it had no ending.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the
finish". That's a good place to end.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I
accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it,
so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you
don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator."
This letter took a harsh turn right away.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation
may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I
wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got
spaghetti, and blankets."
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident.
Herpes.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know,
all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch,"
and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I
take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for
having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have
Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall?
That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me
and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As
though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and
have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is
miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly
when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that
joke was funny!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's
why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Sometimes I'd rather
light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone
cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap!
I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole
life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my
business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call,
maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like,
"Dude, you have to give me time to guess - if you're going to quiz me you
have to insert a pause."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000
houses. Or two dumpsters.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I
can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What
happened? All the buns are blank!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never
see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator
Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some
sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side.
Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like the Fed-Ex driver, 'cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even
know it.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden
hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make
their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need
water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the
good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like
you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to
your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's
cool, he's with me."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down
a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you
exactly which way it's coming.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't
call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to
clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over
tortilla chips.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're
closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner!
It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk
in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody
owes me an apology!"
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of
not caring.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next
time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by
the buoyancy of citrus.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in
a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called
to the set.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet
shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks
like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan
would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents
in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull
the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some
celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a
restaurant. Because the customer is always right.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping
someone move. I went over to his house and made sure that he did not start
to load stuff into a truck.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't have a baby, but if I did, I would either buy a baby-name book or
invite somebody over who had a cast on.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important
than others.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long.
Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having
fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say
"The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to
Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Why are there no "during" pictures?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in
there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat
up, and I add some carrots and onions.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and
at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never
seen.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a
slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did
I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say
when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me.
Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of
my addiction.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so literal!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you're a fish, and you want to be a fish stick, you must have very good
posture.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all
my clothes made out of blankets.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank
does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all
cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA
wallet.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation
ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of
koala bears scatter, and I don't want them to! "Hey - hold on fellas! Let
me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do
they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, so I can
hold one, and pat it on its head.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where
do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year
anniversary of you asking me that question."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some
surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe
that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N
Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed
rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and
putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not
being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the
military.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would
start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can
direct me to a chair lunch dinner."
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had
grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the
barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron
on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what
sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again."
because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe
I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me.
"Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your
friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. I knew the duck was lost,
because ducks aren't supposed to be downtown. There's nothing for 'em
there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop. I said, "Let me have a bun."
She wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said it had to have something on
it. She said it's against Subway regulations to sell just the bun. I guess
the two halves aren't supposed to touch. So, I said, "All right, put some
lettuce on it." "That'll be $1.75!" I said, "It's for a duck!" "Oh, then
it's free." I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known
that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak
fajita sub, and don't bother ringing it up - it's for a duck! There are
six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have
to make separations for me.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have
bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a
loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a
convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would
let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I
think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say,
a beaver in tow.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like
2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say,
"Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've
pressed two enough."
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, because they
have some kick-ass houses. Lake side, my butt! Lake ON!
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a
9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it
comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other
type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm
they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it
"Mitch-all-together".
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it
falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will
achieve its maximum flavor potential.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the
parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the
parade.
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana,
it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red
means, where'd you get that banana?
-- Mitch Hedberg
%
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front.
Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!",
you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have
your head Z-rayed.
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