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| # -*- coding: utf-8 -*- | |
| """ | |
| Jokes from stackoverflow - provided under CC BY-SA 3.0 | |
| http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke?page=4&tab=votes#tab-top | |
| """ | |
| neutral = [ | |
| "Complaining about the lack of smoking shelters, the nicotine addicted Python programmers said there ought to be 'spaces for tabs'.", | |
| "Ubuntu users are apt to get this joke.", | |
| "Obfuscated Reality Mappers (ORMs) can be useful database tools.", | |
| "I wonder if the MPs voting on the Digital Economy Bill think that Creative Commons is a Parliamentary initiative.", | |
| "Asked to explain Unicode during an interview, Geoff went into detail about his final year university project. He was not hired.", | |
| "Triumphantly, Beth removed Python 2.7 from her server in 2020. 'Finally!' she said with glee, only to see the announcement for Python 4.4.", | |
| "An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, 'Can I join you?'", | |
| "When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.", | |
| "If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl.", | |
| "To understand recursion you must first understand recursion.", | |
| "Friends don't let friends use Python 2.7.", | |
| "I suggested holding a 'Python Object Oriented Programming Seminar', but the acronym was unpopular.", | |
| "'Knock, knock.' 'Who's there?' ... very long pause ... 'Java.'", | |
| "How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.", | |
| "What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance.", | |
| "Why don't jokes work in octal? Because 7 10 11.", | |
| "How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just make darkness a standard.", | |
| "Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, 'Are you ill?' The second byte replies, 'No, just feeling a bit off.'", | |
| "Two threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, 'Hey, I want don't any conditions race like time last!'", | |
| "Old C programmers don't die, they're just cast into void.", | |
| "Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, 'Can I get you anything?' 'Yeah,' replies the bytes. 'Make us a double.'", | |
| "Why did the programmer quit his job? Because they didn't get arrays.", | |
| "Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses? Because they don't see sharp.", | |
| "Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.", | |
| ".NET was named .NET so that it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing.", | |
| "Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.", | |
| "A programmer was found dead in the shower. Next to their body was a bottle of shampoo with the instructions 'Lather, Rinse and Repeat'.", | |
| "Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Programmer: The glass is twice as large as necessary.", | |
| "In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.", | |
| "How come there is not obfuscated Perl contest? Because everyone would win.", | |
| "If you play a Windows CD backwards, you'll hear satanic chanting ... worse still, if you play it forwards, it installs Windows.", | |
| "How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach? Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it.", | |
| "What do you call a programmer from Finland? Nerdic.", | |
| "What did the Java code say to the C code? A: You've got no class.", | |
| "Why did Microsoft name their search engine BING? Because It's Not Google.", | |
| "Pirates go 'arg!', computer pirates go 'argv!'", | |
| "Software salesmen and used-car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.", | |
| "Child: Dad, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west? Dad: Son, it's working, don't touch it.", | |
| "Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.", | |
| "How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? false.", | |
| "Real programmers can write assembly code in any language.", | |
| "Waiter: Would you like coffee or tea? Programmer: Yes.", | |
| "What do you get when you cross a cat and a dog? Cat dog sin theta.", | |
| "If loving you is ROM I don't wanna read write.", | |
| "A programmer walks into a foo...", | |
| "A programmer walks into a bar and orders 1.38 root beers. The bartender informs her it's a root beer float. She says 'Make it a double!'", | |
| "What is Benoit B. Mandelbrot's middle name? Benoit B. Mandelbrot.", | |
| "Why are you always smiling? That's just my... regular expression.", | |
| "ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.", | |
| "A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, 'I know, I'll solve it with threads!'. has Now problems. two he", | |
| "Why do sin and tan work? Just cos.", | |
| "Java: Write once, run away.", | |
| "I would tell you a joke about UDP, but you would never get it.", | |
| "A QA engineer walks into a bar. Runs into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Dances into a bar. Tiptoes into a bar. Rams a bar. Jumps into a bar.", | |
| "My friend's in a band called '1023 Megabytes'... They haven't got a gig yet!", | |
| "I had a problem so I thought I'd use Java. Now I have a ProblemFactory.", | |
| "QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.", | |
| "A product manager walks into a bar, asks for drink. Bartender says no, but will consider adding later.", | |
| "How do you generate a random string? Put a first year Computer Science student in Vim and ask them to save and exit.", | |
| "I've been using Vim for a long time now, mainly because I can't figure out how to exit.", | |
| "How do you know whether a person is a Vim user? Don't worry, they'll tell you.", | |
| "Waiter: He's choking! Is anyone a doctor? Programmer: I'm a Vim user.", | |
| "3 Database Admins walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.", | |
| "How to explain the movie Inception to a programmer? When you run a VM inside another VM, inside another VM ... everything runs real slow!", | |
| "What do you call a parrot that says \"Squawk! Pieces of nine! Pieces of nine!\"? A parrot-ey error.", | |
| "There are only two hard problems in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things and off-by-one-errors.", | |
| "There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.", | |
| "There are 2 types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets...", | |
| "There are II types of people: Those who understand Roman Numerals and those who don't.", | |
| "There are 10 types of people: those who understand hexadecimal and 15 others.", | |
| "There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who were expecting this joke to be in trinary.", | |
| "There are 10 types of people: those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who have never heard of it.", | |
| "What do you call eight hobbits? A hobbyte.", | |
| "The best thing about a Boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.", | |
| "A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.", | |
| "There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.", | |
| "QAs consist of 55% water, 30% blood and 15% Jira tickets.", | |
| "Sympathy for the Devil is really just about being nice to QAs.", | |
| "How many QAs does it take to change a light bulb? They noticed that the room was dark. They don't fix problems, they find them.", | |
| "A programmer crashes a car at the bottom of a hill, a bystander asks what happened, he says \"No idea. Let's push it back up and try again\".", | |
| "What do you mean 911 is only for emergencies, I've got a merge conflict and it doesn't look good.", | |
| "Writing PHP is like peeing in the swimming pool, everyone did it, but we don't need to bring it up in public.", | |
| "Why did the QA cross the road? To ruin everyone's day.", | |
| "Number of days since I have encountered an array index error: -1.", | |
| "Speed dating is useless. 5 minutes is not enough to properly explain the benefits of the Unix philosophy.", | |
| "Microsoft hold a bi-monthly internal \"productive week\" where they use Google instead of Bing.", | |
| "Schrodinger's Cat in Web Development: If I don't look at in in Internet Explorer then there's a chance it looks fine.", | |
| "Finding a good PHP developer is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Or is it a hackstack in a needle?", | |
| "Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who its friends are.", | |
| "A COBOL programmer makes millions with Y2K remediation and decides to get cryogenically frozen. \"The year is 9999. You know COBOL, right?\"", | |
| "The C language combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease-of-use of assembly language.", | |
| "An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, public house, Irish pub, tavern, bartender, beer, liquor, wine, alcohol, spirits...", | |
| "What does 'Emacs' stand for? 'Exclusively used by middle aged computer scientists.'", | |
| "What does PyJokes's jokes have in common with Adobe Flash? They get updated all the time, but they don't get any better.", | |
| ] | |
| adult = [ | |
| "Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.", | |
| "Software is like sex: It's better when it's free.", | |
| "Software is like sex: It's never REALLY free.", | |
| "There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, and those who get laid.", | |
| "Why programmers like UNIX: unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep", | |
| "If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.", | |
| "Your momma's so fat that not even Dijkstra is able to find a shortest path around her.", | |
| "C++ - where your friends have access to your private members.", | |
| "The only intuitive user interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.", | |
| "What's the difference between software development and sex? In sex, you don't get a bonus for releasing early.", | |
| "Your momma's so fat, the recursive function calculating her mass causes a stack overflow.", | |
| ] | |
| """ | |
| Jokes from The Internet Chuck Norris DB (ICNDB) (http://www.icndb.com/) - provided under CC BY-SA 3.0 | |
| http://api.icndb.com/jokes/ | |
| """ | |
| chuck = [ | |
| "When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.", | |
| "All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up, or else.", | |
| "Chuck Norris writes code that optimises itself.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().", | |
| "Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.", | |
| "Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.", | |
| "All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colours black and blue.", | |
| "MySpace isn't really your space, it's Chuck's (he just lets you use it).", | |
| "Chuck Norris can write infinitely recursive functions and have them return.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.", | |
| "The only design pattern Chuck Norris knows is the God Object Pattern.", | |
| "Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.", | |
| "Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.", | |
| "'It works on my machine' always holds true for Chuck Norris.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 words per minute.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assertion, 'it works'.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.", | |
| "To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't sudo, the shell just knows it's him and does what it's told.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't need a debugger, he just stares at the code until it confesses.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can access private methods.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.", | |
| "Chuck Norris does not need to know about Class Factory Pattern. He can instantiate interfaces.", | |
| "The class object inherits from Chuck Norris.", | |
| "For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).", | |
| "Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.", | |
| "Chuck Norris solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time: break salesman into N pieces; kick each piece to a different city.", | |
| "No statement can catch the ChuckNorrisException.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't pair program.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't use reflection, reflection asks politely for his help.", | |
| "There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris' keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't needs try-catch, exceptions are too afraid to raise.", | |
| "Chuck Norris went out of an infinite loop.", | |
| "If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.", | |
| "Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's keyboard has the Any key.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can access the database from the UI.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's programs never exit, they are terminated.", | |
| "Chuck Norris insists on strongly-typed programming languages.", | |
| "The Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not running.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's programs do not accept input.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can install iTunes without installing Quicktime.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't need an OS.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's OSI network model has only one layer - Physical.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.", | |
| "Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit 'COMMIT' in its end.", | |
| "Chuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All the way down. Always.", | |
| "Chuck Norris does not code in cycles, he codes in strikes.", | |
| "Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.", | |
| "Chick Norris solved the halting problem.", | |
| "With Chuck Norris P = NP. There's no nondeterminism with Chuck Norris decisions.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can retrieve anything from /dev/null.", | |
| "No one has ever pair-programmed with Chuck Norris and lived to tell the tale.", | |
| "No one has ever spoken during review of Chuck Norris' code and lived to tell the tale.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't use a GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't use Oracle, he is the Oracle.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can dereference NULL.", | |
| "A diff between your code and Chuck Norris's is infinite.", | |
| "The Chuck Norris Eclipse plugin made alien contact.", | |
| "Chuck Norris is the ultimate mutex, all threads fear him.", | |
| "Don't worry about tests, Chuck Norris's test cases cover your code too.", | |
| "Each hair in Chuck Norris's beard contributes to make the world's largest DDOS.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's log statements are always at the FATAL level.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he drops frequently.", | |
| "Chuck Norris completed World of Warcraft.", | |
| "When Chuck Norris breaks the build, you can't fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.", | |
| "Chuck Norris types with one finger. He points it at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's programs can pass the Turing Test by staring at the interrogator.", | |
| "If you try to kill -9 Chuck Norris's programs, it backfires.", | |
| "Chuck Norris performs infinite loops in under 4 seconds.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can overwrite a locked variable.", | |
| "Chuck Norris knows the value of NULL, and he can sort by it too.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can install a 64-bit operating system on 32-bit machines.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can write to an output stream.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can read from an input stream.", | |
| "Chuck Norris never has to build his program to machine code. Machines have learnt to interpret Chuck Norris's code.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's unit tests don't run. They die.", | |
| "Chuck Norris causes the Blue Screen of Death.", | |
| "Chuck Norris can make a class that is both abstract and final.", | |
| "Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.", | |
| "Code runs faster when Chuck Norris watches it.", | |
| "Chuck Norris doesn't use REST, he waits.", | |
| "Everyone likes Chuck Norris on Facebook, whether they choose to or not.", | |
| "You can't follow Chuck Norris on Twitter, because he follows you.", | |
| "Chuck Norris's calculator has only 3 keys: 0, 1, and NAND.", | |
| "Chuck Norris only uses global variables. He has nothing to hide.", | |
| "Chuck Norris once implemented an HTTP server in a single printf call. It is now the heart of Apache webserver.", | |
| "Chuck Norris writes directly in binary. He then writes the source code as documentation for other programmers.", | |
| "Chuck Norris once shifted a bit so hard, it ended up on a different computer.", | |
| "Q: What is Chuck Norris's favorite Javascript framework? A: Knockout.js.", | |
| ] | |
| jokes_en = { | |
| 'neutral': neutral, | |
| 'adult': adult, | |
| 'chuck': chuck, | |
| 'all': neutral + adult + chuck, | |
| } |