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add context for clarity

Adds context to and clarifies my experiance of adhd time blindness.
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random-parts committed May 16, 2018
1 parent 912355d commit 145fb57854d6c862eec8626f3626d42d4397e1fd
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  1. +7 −1 _dyslexia/adhd-dyslexia.md
@@ -19,7 +19,13 @@ Years of my life were spent trying to hide my inner shaming, insecure, self-loat

When I finally gave in to the pride and ego I built up to gloss over the inner pain and embarrassment, everything changed. I sought help. It took a few months and some awkward moments dealing with side effects to get the medication right. Explaining that AdderallXR knocks you out for the best sleep of your life will net some side-ways glances.

Before this, I would lose hours, days and weeks even; I had no idea where they went. One of the exciting aspects of my ADHD is time blindness. I don't get it. Labeled time is an odd concept that I have difficultly structuring things around. The world does not even agree on a time format or calendar. I limit scheduling things if it is not absolutely necessary. People end up seeing me as either fun and spontaneous or commitment phobic. Truth is that committing to anything further than a few days out causes intense anxiety for fear of forgetting about it and letting others or myself down. The combination of time blindness and slow reading ability wrecks havoc on productivity. Not being aware that either of those are a factor can cause confusion that slowly eats away at your self-esteem.
Before this, I would lose hours, days and weeks even; I had no idea where they went. One of the exciting aspects of my ADHD is time blindness. I don't get it. Labeled time is an odd concept that I have difficultly structuring things around.

The way this manifest is being stuck in the present or the `now`. The past is more of a mind-map than a time-line. Things can feel as if they happened a lifetime ago, or the other day - the actual time distance is not a factor. Actual recall plays it back as though it were frozen in time and reanimated to experience in the present. Feelings, sensations, and emotions included. This causes some weird, awkward and socially inappropriate moments. Thankfully, it does not take long for the ADHD brain to find a more `current` and shiny experience to delve into.

The future is more fantastical; it is never real, never now - until it is - and I am late or miss that appointment. The daily-task time measurement of things are always perceived as 20 minutes; this includes Google Maps `obviously` being wrong about that 45 minute drive time or the total trip + task time to the store that takes 15 actual minutes to drive to, one-way. Somehow, my brain in convinced we will do it all in 20 - if we even arrive at our originally intended destination in the first place. I limit scheduling if it is not absolutely necessary. People end up seeing me as either fun and spontaneous or commitment phobic. Truth is that committing to anything further than a few days out causes intense anxiety for fear of forgetting about it and letting others or myself down.

The combination of time blindness and slow reading ability wrecks havoc on productivity. Not being aware that either of those are a factor can cause confusion that slowly eats away at your self-esteem.

Once the right medication was found, I felt superhuman. I could control time itself. Finally, I could choose to sit down and read a regular book cover to cover. That was it. I avoided reading walls of text because I couldn't get myself to sit down long enough to do it. Now I could. No more scanning through pages of words while my mind was off doing its own thing. Now I could sit down for a couple of hours and actually read that 12 page chapter.

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