I'm 50 years old and I am beginning to suspect I have some serious problems with dope.
Why do you think you have a problem?
When it comes down to it, I am completely unable to decide between drugs or life
Well, I think drug addiction is a serious problem and you should look for help, it is a good thing. Otherwise you might end up on the streets and without any friends to help you out.
Why can't I have both drugs and life?
If you don't think you can manage your addiction you should get help for it? Don't make excuses about your behavior because it would make it more difficult to get help or admit that you have a problem.