I'm addicted to my relationship with pain
You mean you're addicted to pain?
Yes, I need to feel pain
I think now that you've recognized this the next thing you need to do is get some help. Having the desire to harm yourself constantly is unhealthy and there are professionals out there that can help you recover from it.
Ha ha. How do you know? You don't know shit about me. Any smart person wouldn't try to talk down to a stranger about their problems.
I'm only trying to give you some guidance so that you can get help. Inflicting pain on ourselves is a maladaptive behavior and a professional can help you with that so that you don't feel like you need to do it anymore.