I've never had so many suicidal thoughts until now
Why are you having suicidal thoughts?
It's just that I've become more aware of the permanence of my existence out here.
You should talk about your feelings with someone you trust or an emotional support helpline. Don't give into an impulse about suicide. Try to let your emotions out through your words.
I don't know if i should seek help.
You should give it a try. I'm sure it'll help if you get some help.