I'm not sure if I'm suicidal or just pathetic
What kinds of feelings are you having right now?
I want to live my life the way I want to live my life.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, but you shouldn't keep thinking this way as it is detrimental to your health. You are worth a lot, and you need to realize that. Please seek help because your life is amazing and you don't deserve to be beat down all the time.
Whatever.
I'm sorry you feel so down. I really think you should seek out professional help. There are many suicide hotlines with trained staff and volunteers who can help you.