I should probably seek help but I don't want to.
Do you really not want to? Why don't you want to seek help?
I feel like I don't need help and I won't try to change myself.
I understand, but you should always seek out help if you need it. You'll just end up hurting yourself if you don't.
I only want to feel good when I'm alive and I want to change myself when I want to. I'm not going to do what I don't want to
I know that feelings and emotions can conflict a ton, but it's still good you know there is something wrong. Don't you want to feel good earlier, though? How about trying to fix the problem now and talk to a therapist, so you can feel alive all the time?