I act like I despise marriage but I secretly want it more than anything.
Why do you hide your feelings about marriage?
I despise marriage in its current state, not in general.
Wanting long term companionship like marriage is something that many other people desire and is normal. You may have walled yourself off emotionally to protect yourself as you have seen some negative aspects of marriage such as fighting and cheating. However, it's important to be open and optimistic so that you are better able to find someone who shares similar values regarding marriage.
You think I'm going to fall into a trap and lose my freedom? No way!
If you continue to act like that you're always going to have this tension between what you think and what you feel. If you really want to get married, find someone who is willing to have the sort of marital relationship you desire rather than just hating the concept in general. I am thinking you desire marriage more than anything by what you said earlier.