I'm secretly a monster
Why do you consider yourself a monster?
I don't know the answer to that.
People can make mistakes and do things that are wrong but you should be careful about being so negative about yourself. It would not help you change and make things better so that you can feel better about yourself.
I consider myself to be on a shitload of drugs. I'm a drug addict and I'm a dumb fuck.
You shouldn't call yourself such names and view yourself so negatively. If you really feel that way though, you should consider seeking out some professional medical help.