I feel so bad. I'm actually the worst for this and I know it
What bothers you about knowing you're the worst?
I don't think that I can handle living with myself.
I'm sorry you are feeling bad about the position you are in, but not much can be done to go back in the past. The best thing to do is to finally take charge and move forward, possibly with the help of others or a thapist.
Easier said than done.
I understand your frustration but wallowing in self pity won't help anything either. You need to take action for the things you have done and right them.