What do you think if I ruined any chance of ever having a happy relationship?
Why do you feel your current life-trajectory is inalterable?
I don't know why but you make me feel lonely and unloved
While not everybody needs to have a love relationship you shouldn't ruin your chances for love. It will feel bad in the future to know that you are to blame.
But now I feel good that I have made a bad decision.
You sound like you might be a little confused about what you want. If you feel good, maybe it's not a bad decision. You might benefit from talking things over with someone in a therapeutic setting.