I actually hurt one of my friends terribly and to this day haven't been able to fix it.
Why did you hurt your friend?
Because I have no control over my feelings.
Having no control of your feelings is no excuse to hurt your friends. You should get help and learn self control.
I don't want to, I just want to wallow in that pain.
You shouldn't wallow in your pain if it is causing you to hurt your friends.