I'm afraid of myself
What about you makes you afraid?
I once punched my ex boyfriend multiple times because he was so controlling.
If you have violent outbursts you should seek help. It is not good to be in an abusive relationship with anyone.
He deserved this retaliation. He was abusing me a lot and I had enough.
Even though your ex was very controlling, you could have gotten in trouble with the law for hurting him. There are other ways at getting back, like breaking up and improving yourself. How about talking to a therapist, they do really well at helping with abuse situations!