I'm thinking of maybe not wanting to be here
Why don't you want to be here?
I feel as if my life is out of control and I'm worried about everything
I'm sorry you're feeling that way, have you considered going somewhere else and start all over to have a new life? You don't need to suffer and constantly be reminded of the horrible past.
Where do you want me to go? I need to find the reason to live again.
I don't know where you should go only you can figure that out. Might I suggest you talk to a therapist or a counselor to work through your problems? You shouldn't have to suffer mental anguish if it is disrupting your life.