I would have a reason to live if there was a zombie apocalypse. I don't have a reason to live now.
Why would you think you would have more reasons then instead of now?
I'm more capable of defending myself in the apocolypse
It seems like you feel you can't stick up for yourself now so you need weak people to prey upon. It's discouraged to want the world to devolve into an apocalypse. There are things you can do now to give you more confidence and encouragement.
I want to learn how to defend myself, I don't want to be pathetic.
That's okay, you can learn to defend yourself by taking a class. This will help you now and if for some horrible reason there is an apocalypse.