Gaining weight feels like failing and losing weight feels like dying
Why do you feel that way about gaining and losing weight?
Because I'm tired of dieting, exercise and counting calories.
You should find the right diet for yourself so you don't feel that way. You can lose weight and be unhealthy.
We can't escape death, so feeling like dying is what I want.
It seems like you have a really unhealthy relationship with food and dieting. Hopefully you can find a professional that can start you on a healthier path.