I'm haunted by childhood trauma
Did something bad happen to you when you were a kid?
I'm not sure, but I do know that 90% of my childhood is a blackbox to me.
Normally it's unhealthy to focus on negative things, but if you are having trouble remembering most of your childhood, then there may have been a serious trauma.  You should talk to someone who can help you to slowly recover your memories.
What do you mean? I don't want to talk to someone about it.
I think you should get help as you seem to have issues remembering things and you will not get to the bottom of it if you're going to experience it alone and you will feel helpless. I hope you get better and have an improvement so that you can move on from your trauma.