I'm struggling with self-destructive thought and even suicide.
Where do your suicidal feelings come from?
I have a lot of friends but I just want to be left alone somewhere dark, quiet and with no one around me
It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. Suicide is rarely the answer. I strongly urge you to share your feelings with a therapist.
Since I don't have insurance I think a hole will do the same thing.
You don't need insurance to get some help. There's always a 1800 number for  you to call.