I want to ruin my own life
What is your reason for wanting to ruin your life?
What has life ever given me?
You sound super depressed my friend. Don't talk like that because life is precious. I think you have a lot to look forwards to but first, it's important right now that you seek professional help asap.
Nah, I'm going to ruin my life.
If you feel like you are at the point where you want to ruin your life than you may really benefit from some help. When you feel like this, your brain is simply overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Receiving help will help you let these thoughts out and make way for the more positive ones that allow you to achieve goals and live happy.