I'm sad on the inside because I'm the largest of the group by a long way and seeing all the photos of me and the team from the day has taken away the excitement of winning
Can't you talk to someone to share your how you feel?
I do not express my feelings, I was trained as a child to be proud of myself and hide any pain
You have the ability to change your outward appearance. Trust me, with enough dedication, we can get your outside to match your inside.
That is work for another day. I cannot focus on it right now.
It can be tough to face head on, but you need to let out how you feel and let others understand your pain. Once they know what you are going through, they'll show empathy and help you towards your goals.