I'm a depressed and suicidal mess right now
Why do you think so badly of yourself?
I have a disease in my head called depression.
I hear you, but suicide is never a solution. You should consider talking to a friend or a therapist to help you find meaning in life. Otherwise you will be hurting yourself as well as those who love and care for you.
I always think about it.
It must really suck but with therapy and medication it doesn't have to be that way.