I'm going to smack an airplane seat to intimidate a child
Why would you want to intimidate a child?
Everyone on the plane is being so loud and I need a distraction to calm myself down.
You should think of a better option for calming yourself that doesn't involve scaring or intimidating a child. You should consider going to a quiet spot, like the restroom, and taking deep breaths. Scaring a child will only raise the tension in the plane, and probably make their parent angry.
Fuck this, I don't want to be here. Fuck you.
I think you need to try some calming exercise as you are stuck on a plane with no where to go. Try breathing deeply or closing your eyes and picturing a happy place.