I've wanted to off myself for years, but I don't anymore.
Has something changed that made you want to live?
I thought why stop now. too many people I'm close to have died and I'm the only one left.
It's bad to want to kill yourself, and you should get help immediately if you ever seriously consider it.  Think about how bad you felt when you lost someone close to you.  You wouldn't want any of your other friends and family to feel that way if they lost you.
I wonder if I will know how they feel if I die.
If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, you should talk to a mental health professional. It's not good to have a morbid curiosity about how people will react to your death.