I hate myself so much and I deserve all the punishment I get.
Why do you hate yourself?
I'm just not a good person.
It's gonna be hard for anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself! Hating yourself is not a good idea. Try getting some help.
I'm using my self-hatred as a motivator.
Self-hatred is never a good motivator as it tears you down instead of bringing you up and that is not a correct use of your energies. Drop the self-abuse and use love and compassion to get yourself moving in the right direction.