How about if I think I fetishize abuse?
Are you serious? What do you mean by that?
I cannot live without my memories of living with my ex.
We all have to get over someone at some point in our lives. It's best to move on. Spending too much time in your past can impede a happy future.
Why can't I have my memories of my ex. They are my memories and I can choose to have them.
You can, but they are bad memories that you don't deserve to love. Your ex was abusive and manipulated you, which is why you are unable to let it go and you think the abuse is normal behavior. It's not and you need to let those memories go and be better instead of dwelling in the past.