I have a list of all the awful and unforgivable things I've ever done
Why did you need to make a list?
I was a bad kid, rotten teenager, and made mistakes as a woman
You should not be so hard on yourself. It is good to admit mistakes and grow from them as a person.
I was just searching for any excuse for me to feel better.
Admitting your mistakes is a good way to make yourself better. I do think that making a list of everything is a little bit extreme, but it is good that you are able to admit what you have done wrong in life.