I wish I had died
Do you want to kill yourself?
Not really. I wish I had died, but I'm not willing to do it.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but you are being suicidal even if you don't want to carry it out. It's scary, and something bad might happen to you if you don't see professional help about it.
It just that it's boring to live, maybe if I did things right it could have been different, but it only hurts now...
You are depressed and should seek help from a psychiatrist. You may not be willing to commit suicide, but you are suicidal.