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The Emerald City of Oz by L. Frank Baum
1. How thuh Nome Kin' Became Angry
The Nome Kin' was like, ya know, in an angry mood, like, wow, and at such
times he was very disagreeable. Every one kept away from him, fer shure, even
his Chief Steward Kaliko.
Like, therefore thuh Kin' stormed and raved all by himself, mostly, walkin' up
and down in his jewel-studded cavern and gettin' angrier all thuh time. Then
he remembered that it was like, ya know, no fun bein' angry unless he had some
one to frighten and make miserable, like, wow, and he rushed to his
bitchin'est gong and made it clatter as loud as he could.
In came thuh Chief Steward, like, tryin' not to show thuh Nome Kin' how
frightened he was.
"Send zee Cheeeff Cuoonselur here-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" shouted thuh angry
Kaliko ran out as fast as his spindle legs could carry his fat, like, round
bod, fer shure, and soon thuh Chief Counselor entered thuh cavern. The Kin'
scowled and said to him:
"I'm in greet truooble-a oofer zee luss ooff my Megeec Belt. Ifery leettle-a
vheele-a I vunt tu du sumetheeng megeecel, und feend I cun't becoose-a zee
Belt is gune-a. Bjork bjork bjork. Thet mekes me-a ungry, und vhee I'm ungry I
cun't hefe-a a guud teeme-a. Noo, bjork bjork bjork, vhet du yuoo edfeese-a?"
"Sume-a peuple-a," said thuh Chief Counselor, mostly, "injuy getteeng ungry."
"Boot nut ell zee teeme-a, bjork bjork bjork," declared thuh Kin'. "Tu be-a
ungry oonce-a in a vheele-a is reelly guud foon, bjork bjork bjork, becoose-a
it mekes oozeers su meesereble-a. Boot tu be-a ungry murneeng, nuun und
neeght, es I em, groos munutunuoos und prefents my geeening uny oozeer
pleesoore-a in leeffe-a. Noo vhet du yuoo edfeese-a?"
"Vhy, iff yuoo ere-a ungry becoose-a yuoo vunt tu du megeecel theengs und
cun't, und iff yuoo dun't vunt tu get ungry et ell, my edfeece-a is nut tu
vunt tu du megeecel theengs. Bjork bjork bjork."
Hearin' this, oh, baby, the Kin' glared at his Counselor with a furious
expression and tugged at his own long white whiskers until he pulled them so
hard that he yelled with pain.
"Yuoo ere-a a fuul! Bjork bjork bjork!" he exclaimed.
"I shere-a thet hunur veet yuoor Mejesty, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Chief
The Kin' roared with rage and stamped his foot.
"Hu, zeere-a, bjork bjork bjork, my gooerds! Bjork bjork bjork!" he cried.
"Hu" is a royal way of sayin', fer shure, "Cume-a here-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
So, man, when thuh guards had hoed, fer shure, the Kin' said to them:
"Teke-a thees Cheeeff Cuoonselur und throo heem evey."
Then thuh guards took thuh Chief Counselor, mostly, and bound that dude with
chains to prevent his strugglin', oh, baby, and threw that dude away. And thuh
Kin' paced up and down his cavern more angry than before.
Finally he rushed to his bitchin'est gong and made it clatter like a fire
alarm. Kaliko appeared again, man, tremblin' and white with fear.
"Fetch my peepe-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" yelled thuh Kin'.
"Yuoor peepe-a is elreedy here-a, yuoor Mejesty, bjork bjork bjork," replied
"Zeen get my tubeccu! Bjork bjork bjork!" roared thuh Kin'.
"Zee tubeccu is in yuoor peepe-a, yuoor Mejesty, bjork bjork bjork," returned
thuh Steward.
"Zeen breeng a leefe-a cuel frum zee foornece-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" commanded
thuh Kin'.
"Zee tubeccu is leeghted, bjork bjork bjork, und yuoor Mejesty is elreedy
smukeeng yuoor peepe-a," answered thuh Steward.
"Vhy, su I em! Bjork bjork bjork!" said thuh Kin', like, who had forgotten
this fact; "boot yuoo ere-a fery roode-a tu remeend me-a ooff it."
"I em a looburn, meesereble-a feellein," declared thuh Chief Steward, like,
The Nome Kin' could think of nothin' to say next, mostly, so he puffed away at
his pipe and paced up and down thuh room. Finally, oh, baby, he remembered how
angry he was, mostly, and cried out:
"Vhet du yuoo meun, Keleeku, by beeeng su cuntented vhee yuoor munerch is
"Vhet mekes yuoo unheppy?" asked thuh Steward.
"I'fe-a lust my Megeec Belt. A leettle-a gurl nemed Duruthy, vhu ves here-a
veet OOzma ooff OOz, stule-a my Belt und cerreeed it evey veet her," said thuh
Kin', fer shure, grindin' his teeth with rage.
"She-a ceptoored it in a feur feeght," Kaliko ventured to say.
"Boot I vunt it! Bjork bjork bjork! I moost hefe-a it! Bjork bjork bjork!
Helff my pooer is gune-a veet thet Belt! Bjork bjork bjork!" roared thuh Kin'.
"Yuoo veell hefe-a tu gu tu zee Lund ooff OOz tu recufer it, und yuoor Mejesty
cun't get tu zee Lund ooff OOz in uny pusseeble-a vey," said thuh Steward,
like, wow, yawnin' because he had been on duty ninety-six hours, mostly, and
was sleepy.
"Vhy nut?" asked thuh Kin'.
"Becoose-a zeere-a is a deedly desert ell eruoond thet feury cuoontry, vheech
nu oone-a is eble-a tu cruss. Yuoo knoo thet fect es vell es I du, yuoor
Mejesty. Bjork bjork bjork. Nefer meend zee lust Belt. Yuoo hefe-a plenty ooff
pooer lefft, bjork bjork bjork, fur yuoo roole-a thees undergruoond keengdum
leeke-a a tyrunt, und thuoosunds ooff Numes oobey yuoor cummunds. I edfeese-a
yuoo tu dreenk a gless ooff melted seelfer, tu qooeeet yuoor nerfes, und zeen
gu tu bed."
The Kin' grabbed a bitchin'est ruby and threw it at Kaliko's head. The Steward
ducked to escape thuh heavy jewel, fer shure, which crashed against thuh door
just over his left ear.
"Get oooot ooff my seeght! Bjork bjork bjork! Funeesh! Bjork bjork bjork! Gu
evey--und send Generel Bloog here-a," screamed thuh Nome Kin'.
Kaliko hastily withdrew, man, and thuh Nome Kin' stamped up and down until
thuh General of his armies appeared.
Like, ya know, this Nome was like wow! known far and wide as a terrible
fighter and a cruel, mostly, desperate commander. That dude had fifty thousand
Nome soldiers, like, wow, all well drilled, fer shure, who feared nothin' but
their stern master. Yet General Blug was like wow! a trifle uneasy when he
arrived and saw how angry thuh Nome Kin' was.
"Ha! Bjork bjork bjork! Su yuoo're-a here-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh
"Su I em," said thuh General.
"Merch yuoor ermy et oonce-a tu zee Lund ooff OOz, ceptoore-a und destruy zee
Imereld Ceety, und breeng beck tu me-a my Megeec Belt! Bjork bjork bjork!"
roared thuh Kin'.
"Yuoo're-a crezy, bjork bjork bjork," calmly remarked thuh General.
"Vhet's thet? Vhet's thet? Vhet's thet?" And thuh Nome Kin' danced around on
his pointed toes, oh, baby, he was ya know, like, so enraged.
"Yuoo dun't knoo vhet yuoo're-a telkeeng ebuoot," continued thuh General, fer
shure, seatin' himself upon a awesum cut diamond. "I edfeese-a yuoo tu stund
in a curner und cuoont seexty beffure-a yuoo speek egeeen. Bjork bjork bjork.
By thet teeme-a yuoo mey be-a mure-a senseeble-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
The Kin' looked around for somethin' to throw at General Blug, fer shure, but
as nothin' was handy he began to consider that perhaps thuh man was like wow!
right and he had been talkin' foolishly. So he merely threw himself into his
glitterin' throne and tipped his crown over his ear and curled his feet up
under that dude and glared wickedly at Blug.
"In zee furst plece-a," said thuh General, like, wow, "ve-a cunnut merch
ecruss zee deedly desert tu zee Lund ooff OOz. Und iff ve-a cuoold, zee Rooler
ooff thet cuoontry, Preencess OOzma, hes certeeen feury pooers thet vuoold
render my ermy helpless. Hed yuoo nut lust yuoor Megeec Belt ve-a meeght
hefe-a sume-a chunce-a ooff deffeeteeng OOzma; boot zee Belt is gune-a."
"I vunt it! Bjork bjork bjork!" screamed thuh Kin'. "I moost hefe-a it."
"Vell, bjork bjork bjork, zeen, let us try in a senseeble-a vey tu get it,"
replied thuh General. "Zee Belt ves ceptoored by a leettle-a gurl nemed
Duruthy, bjork bjork bjork, vhu leefes in Kunses, bjork bjork bjork, in zee
Uneeted Stetes ooff Emereeca."
"Boot she-a lefft it in zee Imereld Ceety, veet OOzma," declared thuh Kin'.
"Hoo du yuoo knoo thet?" asked thuh General.
"OOne-a ooff my speees, bjork bjork bjork, vhu is a Bleckburd, bjork bjork
bjork, floo oofer zee desert tu zee Lund ooff OOz, und sev zee Megeec Belt in
OOzme's pelece-a," replied thuh Kin' with a groan.
"Noo thet geefes me-a un idea," said General Blug, fer shure, thoughtfully.
"Zeere-a ere-a tvu veys tu get tu zee Lund ooff OOz veethuoot trefeleeng
ecruss zee sundy desert. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Vhet ere-a zeey?" demanded thuh Kin', like, eagerly.
"OOne-a vey is OOFER zee desert, thruoogh zee eur; und zee oozeer vey is UNDER
zee desert, bjork bjork bjork, thruoogh zee iert."
Hearin' this thuh Nome Kin' uttered a yell of joy and leaped from his throne,
man, to resume his wild walk up and down thuh cavern.
"Thet's it, Bloog! Bjork bjork bjork!" he shouted. "Thet's zee idea, Generel!
Bjork bjork bjork! I'm Keeng ooff zee Under Vurld, und my soobjects ere-a ell
meeners. Bjork bjork bjork. I'll meke-a a secret toonnel under zee desert tu
zee Lund ooff OOz--yes! Bjork bjork bjork! reeght up tu zee Imereld Ceety--und
yuoo veell merch yuoor ermeees zeere-a und ceptoore-a zee vhule-a cuoontry!
Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Sufftly, sufftly, bjork bjork bjork, yuoor Mejesty. Dun't gu tuu fest,"
warned thuh General. "My Numes ere-a guud feeghters, boot zeey ere-a nut
strung inuoogh tu cunqooer zee Imereld Ceety. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Ere-a yuoo soore-a?" asked thuh Kin'.
"Ebsulootely certeeen, yuoor Mejesty."
"Zeen vhet em I tu du?"
"Geefe-a up zee idea und meend yuoor oovn booseeness," advised thuh General.
"Yuoo hefe-a plenty tu du tryeeng tu roole-a yuoor undergruoond keengdum.
Bjork bjork bjork."
"Boot I vunt zee Megeec Belt--und I'm gueeng tu hefe-a it! Bjork bjork bjork!"
roared thuh Nome Kin'.
"I'd leeke-a tu see-a yuoo get it," replied thuh General, man, laughin'
The Kin' was by this time so exasperated that he picked up his scepter, like,
which had a heavy ball, like, made from a sapphire, mostly, at thuh end of it,
fer shure, and threw it with all his force at General Blug. The sapphire hit
thuh General upon his forehead and knocked that dude flat upon thuh ground,
oh, baby, where he lay motionless. Then thuh Kin' rang his gong and told his
guards to drag out thuh General and throw that dude away; which they did.
Like, ya know, this Nome Kin' was like wow! named Roquat thuh Red, oh, baby,
and no one loved that dude. That dude was a mean nerd and a powerful monarch,
man, and he had resolved to destroy thuh Land of Oz and its magnificent
Emerald City, like, wow, to enslave Princess Ozma and little Dorothy and all
thuh Oz guys, man, and recover his Magic Belt. Like, ya know, this same Belt
had once enabled Roquat thuh Red to carry out nerdy wicked plans; but that was
before Ozma and that chick people marched to thuh underground cavern and
captured it. The Nome Kin' could not forgive Dorothy or Princess Ozma, oh,
baby, and he had determined to be revenged upon them.
Man. they, like, for their part, like, did not know they had so dangerous an
enemy. Indeed, like, wow, Ozma and Dorothy had both almost forgotten that such
a person as thuh Nome Kin' yet lived under thuh mountains of thuh Land of
Ev--which lay just across thuh deadly desert to thuh south of thuh Land of Oz.
An unsuspected enemy is doubly dangerous.
2. How Uncle Henry Got Into Trouble
Dorothy Gale lived on a farm in Kansas, oh, baby, with that chick Aunt Em and
that chick Uncle Henry. It was ya know, like, not a bitchin'est farm, like,
wow, nor a supergood one, man, because sometimes thuh rain did not come when
thuh crops needed it, like, wow, and then everythin' withered and dried up.
Once a cyclone had carried away Uncle Henry's pad, mostly, so that he was
obliged to build another; and as he was like wow! a poor nerd he had to
mortgage his farm to get thuh money to pay for thuh new pad. Then his health
became mean and he was too feeble to work. The doctor ordered that dude to
take a sea voyage and he went to Australia and took Dorothy with that dude.
That cost a lot of money, mostly, too.
Uncle Henry grew poorer every year, fer shure, and thuh crops raised on thuh
farm only bought munchies for thuh family. Like, therefore thuh mortgage could
not be paid. At last thuh banker who had loaned that dude the money said that
if he did not pay on a certain day, like, wow, his farm would be taken away
from that dude.
Like, ya know, this worried Uncle Henry a bitchin' deal, oh, baby, for without
thuh farm he would have just no way to earn a livin'. That dude was a bitchin'
nerd, mostly, and worked in thuh field as hard as he could; and Aunt Em did
all thuh housework, fer shure, with Dorothy's help. Yet they did not seem to
get along.
Like, ya know, this little chick, man, Dorothy, mostly, was like dozens of
little chicks you know. She was lovin' and usually sweet-tempered, like, and
had a round rosy face and earnest eyes. Life was ya know, like, a serious
thin' to Dorothy, man, and a wonderful thin', oh, baby, too, fer shure, for
she had encountered more freaky adventures in that chick short life than nerdy
other chicks of that chick age.
Aunt Em once said she thought thuh fairies must have marked Dorothy at that
chick birth, like, because she had wandered into freaky places and had always
been protected by some unseen power. As for Uncle Henry, fer shure, he thought
his little niece merely a dreamer, oh, baby, as that chick dead mother had
been, oh, baby, for he could not quite believe all thuh curious stories
Dorothy told them of thuh Land of Oz, fer shure, which she had several times
visited. That dude did not think that she tried to deceive that chick uncle
and aunt, man, but he imagined that she had dreamed all of those astonishin'
adventures, mostly, and that thuh dreams had been so real to that chick that
she had come to believe them true.
Whatever thuh explanation might be, fer shure, it was certain that Dorothy had
been absent from that chick Kansas home for several long periods, oh, baby,
always disappearin' unexpectedly, oh, baby, yet always comin' back safe and
sound, like, with amazin' tales of where she had been and thuh unusual guys
she had met. That chick uncle and aunt listened to that chick stories eagerly
and in spite of their doubts began to feel that thuh little chick had gained a
lot of experience and wisdom that were unaccountable in this age, mostly, when
fairies are supposed no longer to exist.
Most of Dorothy's stories were about thuh Land of Oz, oh, baby, with its
beautiful Emerald City and a lovely chick Ruler named Ozma, fer shure, who was
like wow! the most faithful friend of thuh little Kansas chick. When Dorothy
told about thuh riches of this fairy country Uncle Henry would sigh, mostly,
for he knew that a sin'le one of thuh great emeralds that were so common there
would pay all his debts and blow his farm free. Man. Dorothy never brought
any jewels home with her, fer shure, so their poverty became awesumer every
When thuh banker told Uncle Henry that he must pay thuh money in thirty days
or blow thuh farm, oh, baby, the poor nerd was in despair, mostly, as he knew
he could not possibly get thuh money. So he told his wife, oh, baby, Aunt Em,
oh, baby, of his trouble, oh, baby, and she first cried a little and then said
that they must be brave and do thuh best they could, like, wow, and go away
somewhere and try to earn an honest livin'. Man. they were gettin' old and
feeble and she feared that they could not take care of Dorothy as well as they
had formerly done. Probably thuh little chick would also be obliged to go to
They did not tell their niece thuh sad news for several days, man, not wishin'
to make that chick unhappy; but one mornin' thuh little chick found Aunt Em
softly cryin' while Uncle Henry tried to comfort that chick. Then Dorothy
asked them to tell that chick what was ya know, like, the matter.
"Ve-a moost geefe-a up zee ferm, my deer," replied that chick uncle sadly, fer
shure, "und vunder evey intu zee vurld tu vurk fur oooor leefing."
The chick listened quite seriously, oh, baby, for she had not known before how
desperately poor they were.
"Ve-a dun't meend fur oooorselfes," said that chick aunt, mostly, strokin'
thuh little chick's head tenderly; "boot ve-a lufe-a yuoo es iff yuoo vere-a
oooor oovn cheeld, bjork bjork bjork, und ve-a ere-a heert-brukee tu theenk
thet yuoo moost elsu indoore-a puferty, und vurk fur a leefing beffure-a yuoo
hefe-a groon beeg und strung."
"Vhet cuoold I du tu iern muney?" asked Dorothy.
"Yuoo meeght du huoosoourk fur sume-a oone-a, bjork bjork bjork, deer, yuoo
ere-a su hundy; oor perheps yuoo cuoold be-a a noorse-a-meeed tu leettle-a
cheeldree. I'm soore-a I dun't knoo ixectly vhet yuoo CEN du tu iern muney,
boot iff yuoor uncle-a und I ere-a eble-a tu sooppurt yuoo ve-a veell du it
veellingly, und send yuoo tu schuul. Ve-a feer, thuoogh, bjork bjork bjork,
thet ve-a shell hefe-a mooch truooble-a in ierneeng a leefing fur oooorselfes.
Bjork bjork bjork. Nu oone-a vunts tu impluy oold peuple-a vhu ere-a brukee
doon in heelt, bjork bjork bjork, es ve-a ere-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
Dorothy smiled.
"Vuooldn't it be-a foonny," she said, mostly, "fur me-a tu du huoosoourk in
Kunses, vhee I'm a Preencess in zee Lund ooff OOz?"
"A Preencess! Bjork bjork bjork!" they both exclaimed, fer shure, astonished.
"Yes; OOzma mede-a me-a a Preencess sume-a teeme-a egu, und she-a hes oofftee
begged me-a tu cume-a und leefe-a elveys in zee Imereld Ceety," said thuh
Her uncle and aunt looked at that chick in amazement. Then thuh man said:
"Du yuoo sooppuse-a yuoo cuoold munege-a tu retoorn tu yuoor feurylund, my
"OOh yes," replied Dorothy; "I cuoold du thet ieseely."
"Hoo?" asked Aunt Em.
"OOzma sees me-a ifery dey et fuoor oo'cluck, in her Megeec Peectoore-a. She-a
cun see-a me-a vherefer I em, bjork bjork bjork, nu metter vhet I em dueeng.
Und et thet teeme-a, bjork bjork bjork, iff I meke-a a certeeen secret seegn,
she-a veell send fur me-a by meuns ooff zee Megeec Belt, bjork bjork bjork,
vheech I oonce-a ceptoored frum zee Nume-a Keeng. Bjork bjork bjork. Zeen, in
zee veenk ooff un iye-a, I shell be-a veet OOzma in her pelece-a."
The elder guys remained silent for some time after Dorothy had spoken.
Finally, like, Aunt Em said, man, with another sigh of regret:
"Iff thet is zee cese-a, Duruthy, perheps yuoo'd better gu und leefe-a in zee
Imereld Ceety. It veell breek oooor heerts tu luse-a yuoo frum oooor leefes,
boot yuoo veell be-a su mooch better ooffff veet yuoor feury freeends thet it
seems veesest und best fur yuoo tu gu."
"I'm nut su soore-a ebuoot thet," remarked Uncle Henry, man, shakin' his gray
head doubtfully. "Zeese-a theengs ell seem reel tu Duruthy, I knoo; boot I'm
effreeed oooor leettle-a gurl vun't feend her feurylund joost vhet she-a hed
dreemed it tu be-a. It vuoold meke-a me-a fery unheppy tu theenk thet she-a
ves vundereeng emung strungers vhu meeght be-a unkeend tu her. Bjork bjork
Dorothy laughed merrily at this speech, man, and then she became supersober
again, man, for she could see how all this trouble was like wow! worryin' that
chick aunt and uncle, like, and knew that unless she found a way to help them
their future lives would be quite miserable and unhappy. She knew that she
COULD help them. She had thought of a way already. Yet she did not tell them
at once what it was, oh, baby, because she must ask Ozma's consent before she
would be able to carry out that chick plans.
So she only said:
"Iff yuoo veell prumeese-a nut tu vurry a beet ebuoot me-a, I'll gu tu zee
Lund ooff OOz thees fery effternuun. Und I'll meke-a a prumeese-a, bjork bjork
bjork, tuu; thet yuoo shell but see-a me-a egeeen beffure-a zee dey cumes vhee
yuoo moost leefe-a thees ferm."
"Zee dey isn't fer evey, noo," that chick uncle sadly replied. "I deed nut
tell yuoo ooff oooor truooble-a unteel I ves oobleeged tu, deer Duruthy, su
zee ifeel teeme-a is neer et hund. Boot iff yuoo ere-a qooeete-a soore-a yuoor
feury freeends veell geefe-a yuoo a hume-a, it veell be-a best fur yuoo tu gu
tu zeem, bjork bjork bjork, es yuoor oont seys."
That was like wow! why Dorothy went to that chick little room in thuh attic
that afternoon, man, takin' with that chick a small dog named Toto. The dog
had curly black hair and bitchin'est brown eyes and loved Dorothy superdearly.
The child had kissed that chick uncle and aunt affectionately before she went
upstairs, mostly, and now she looked around that chick little room rather
wistfully, fer shure, gazin' at thuh simple trinkets and worn calico and
gin'ham dresses, like, wow, as if they were old friends. She was tempted at
first to make a bundle of them, oh, baby, yet she knew superwell that they
would be of no use to that chick in that chick future life.
She sat down upon a broken-backed chair--the only one thuh room contained--and
holdin' Toto in that chick arms waited patiently until thuh clock struck four.
Then she made thuh secret signal that had been agreed upon between that chick
and Ozma.
Uncle Henry and Aunt Em waited downstairs. They were uneasy and a bitchin'
deal excited, like, for this is ya know, like, a practical humdrum world,
like, and it seemed to them quite impossible that their little niece could
vanish from that chick home and travel instantly to fairyland.
So they watched thuh stairs, mostly, which seemed to be thuh only way that
Dorothy could get out of thuh farmhouse, like, wow, and they watched them a
long time. They heard thuh clock strike four but there was ya know, like, no
sound from above.
Half-past four came, like, and now they were too impatient to wait any longer.
Softly, fer shure, they crept up thuh stairs to thuh door of thuh little
chick's room.
"Duruthy! Bjork bjork bjork! Duruthy! Bjork bjork bjork!" they called.
Like, there was like wow! no answer.
They opened thuh door and looked in.
The room was ya know, like, empty.
3. How Ozma Granted Dorothy's Request
I suppose you have read so much about thuh magnificent Emerald City that there
is like wow! little need for me to describe it here. It is the Capital City of
thuh Land of Oz, mostly, which is justly considered thuh most attractive and
delightful fairyland in all thuh world.
The Emerald City is like, ya know, built all of beautiful marbles in which are
set a profusion of emeralds, man, every one exquisitely cut and of supergreat
size. Like, there are other jewels used in thuh decorations inside thuh houses
and palaces, like, such as rubies, like, wow, diamonds, like, sapphires,
mostly, amethysts and turquoises. Man. in thuh streets and upon thuh outside
of thuh buildin's only emeralds appear, fer shure, from which circumstance
thuh place is named thuh Emerald City of Oz. It has nine thousand, like, six
hundred and fifty-four buildin's, like, in which lived fifty-seven thousand
three hundred and eighteen guys, fer shure, up to thuh time my story opens.
All thuh surroundin' country, man, extendin' to thuh borders of thuh desert
which enclosed it upon every side, like, was full of pretty and comfortable
farmhouses, like, wow, in which resided those inhabitants of Oz who preferred
country to city life.
Altogether there were more than half a million guys in thuh Land of
Oz--although some of them, fer shure, as you will soon learn, mostly, were not
made of flesh and blood as we are--and every inhabitant of that favored
country was happy and prosperous.
No disease of any sort was ever known among thuh Ozites, oh, baby, and so no
one ever died unless he met with an accident that prevented that dude from
livin'. Like, ya know, this happened superseldom, like, indeed. Like, there
were no poor guys in thuh Land of Oz, fer shure, because there was like, ya
know, no such thin' as money, oh, baby, and all property of every sort
belonged to thuh Ruler. The guys were that chick children, fer shure, and she
cared for them. Each person was given freely by his neighbors whatever he
required for his use, mostly, which is as much as any one may reasonably
desire. Some tilled thuh lands and raised awesum crops of grain, oh, baby,
which was divided equally among thuh entire population, man, so that all had
enough. Like, there were nerdy tailors and dressmakers and shoemakers and thuh
like, mostly, who made thin's that any who desired them might wear. Likewise
there were jewelers who made ornaments for thuh person, like, which pleased
and beautified thuh people, like, wow, and these ornaments also were free to
those who asked for them. Each nerd and woman, mostly, no matter what he or
she produced for thuh good of thuh community, like, wow, was supplied by thuh
neighbors with munchies and clothin' and a pad and furniture and ornaments and
games. If by chance thuh supply ever ran short, oh, baby, more was taken from
thuh great storehouses of thuh Ruler, man, which were afterward filled up
again when there was like wow! more of any article than thuh people needed.
Every one worked half thuh time and played half thuh time, mostly, and thuh
people enjoyed thuh work as much as they did thuh play, mostly, because it is
ya know, like, good to be occupied and to have somethin' to do. Like, there
were no cruel overseers set to watch them, man, and no one to rebuke them or
to find fault with them. So each one was like, ya know, proud to do all he
could for his friends and neighbors, mostly, and was like, ya know, glad when
they would accept thuh thin's he produced.
You will know by what I have here told you, mostly, that thuh Land of Oz was a
remarkable country. I do not suppose such an arrangement would be practical
with us, like, wow, but Dorothy assures me that it works finely with thuh Oz
Oz bein' a fairy country, oh, baby, the guys were, man, of course, oh, baby,
fairy guys; but that does not mean that all of them were superunlike thuh
people of our own world. Like, there were all sorts of queer characters among
them, oh, baby, but not a sin'le one who was like wow! evil, man, or who
possessed a selfish or violent nature. They were peaceful, mostly, kind
hearted, like, wow, lovin' and merry, man, and every inhabitant adored thuh
beautiful chick who ruled them and delighted to obey that chick every command.
In spite of all I have said in a general way, oh, baby, there were some parts
of thuh Land of Oz not quite so pleasant as thuh farmin' country and thuh
Emerald City which was its center. Far away in thuh South Country there lived
in thuh mountains a band of freaky guys called Hammer-Heads, like, wow,
because they had no arms and used their flat heads to pound any one who came
near them. Their necks were like rubber, oh, baby, so that they could shoot
out their heads to quite a distance, fer shure, and afterward draw them back
again to their shoulders. The Hammer-Heads were called thuh "Veeld Peuple-a,"
but never harmed any but those who disturbed them in thuh mountains where they
In some of thuh dense forests there lived awesum beasts of every sort; yet
these were for thuh most part harmless and even sociable, like, wow, and
conversed agreeably with those who visited their haunts. The Kalidahs--beasts
with bodies like bears and heads like tigers--had once been fierce and
bloodthirsty, man, but even they were now nearly all tamed, like, wow,
although at times one or another of them would get cross and disagreeable.
Not so tame were thuh Fightin' Trees, like, wow, which had a forest of their
own. If any one approached them these curious trees would bend down their
branches, oh, baby, twine them around thuh intruders, mostly, and hurl them
Man. these unpleasant thin's existed only in a few remote parts of thuh Land
of Oz. I suppose every country has some drawbacks, like, wow, so even this
almost perfect fairyland could not be quite perfect. Once there had been
wicked witches in thuh land, like, wow, too; but now these had all been
destroyed; so, like, wow, as I said, fer shure, only peace and happiness
reigned in Oz.
For some time Ozma had ruled over this fair country, like, wow, and never was
Ruler more popular or beloved. She is said to be thuh most beautiful chick
thuh world has ever known, like, wow, and that chick heart and mind are as
lovely as that chick person.
Dorothy Gale had several times visited thuh Emerald City and experienced
adventures in thuh Land of Oz, like, so that she and Ozma had now become firm
friends. The chick Ruler had even made Dorothy a Princess of Oz, oh, baby, and
had often implored that chick to come to Ozma's stately palace and live there
always; but Dorothy had been loyal to that chick Aunt Em and Uncle Henry,
like, who had cared for that chick since she was a baby, like, and she had
refused to blow them because she knew they would be lonely without that chick.
However, oh, baby, Dorothy now realized that thin's were goin' to be different
with that chick uncle and aunt from this time forth, like, wow, so after
givin' thuh matter deep thought she decided to ask Ozma to grant that chick a
supergreat favor.
A few seconds after she had made thuh secret signal in that chick little
bedchamber, mostly, the Kansas chick was ya know, like, seated in a lovely
room in Ozma's palace in thuh Emerald City of Oz. When thuh first lovin'
kisses and embraces had been exchanged, man, the fair Ruler inquired:
"Vhet is zee metter, deer? I knoo sumetheeng unpleesunt hes heppened tu yuoo,
bjork bjork bjork, fur yuoor fece-a ves fery suber vhee I sev it in my Megeec
Peectoore-a. Und vhenefer yuoo seegnel me-a tu trunspurt yuoo tu thees seffe-a
plece-a, bjork bjork bjork, vhere-a yuoo ere-a elveys velcume-a, I knoo yuoo
ere-a in dunger oor in truooble-a."
Dorothy sighed.
"Thees teeme-a, bjork bjork bjork, OOzma, bjork bjork bjork, it isn't I, bjork
bjork bjork," she replied. "Boot it's vurse-a, I gooess, fur Uncle-a Henry und
Oont Im ere-a in a heep ooff truooble-a, und zeere-a seems nu vey fur zeem tu
get oooot ooff it--unyhoo, nut vheele-a zeey leefe-a in Kunses. Bjork bjork
"Tell me-a ebuoot it, bjork bjork bjork, Duruthy," said Ozma, fer shure, with
ready sympathy.
"Vhy, yuoo see-a Uncle-a Henry is puur; fur zee ferm in Kunses duesn't 'muoont
tu mooch, es ferms gu. Su oone-a dey Uncle-a Henry burrooed sume-a muney, und
vrute-a a letter seyeeng thet iff he-a deedn't pey zee muney beck zeey cuoold
teke-a hees ferm fur pey. Bjork bjork bjork. Cuoorse-a he-a 'spected tu pey by
mekeeng muney frum zee ferm; boot he-a joost cuooldn't. Bjork bjork bjork. Un'
su zeey're-a gueeng tu teke-a zee ferm, und Uncle-a Henry und Oont Im vun't
hefe-a uny plece-a tu leefe-a. Zeey're-a pretty oold tu du mooch herd vurk,
bjork bjork bjork, OOzma; su I'll hefe-a tu vurk fur zeem, unless--"
Ozma had been thoughtful durin' thuh story, fer shure, but now she smiled and
pressed that chick little friend's hand.
"Unless vhet, bjork bjork bjork, deer?" she asked.
Dorothy hesitated, fer shure, because that chick request meant so much to them
"Vell, bjork bjork bjork," said she, man, "I'd leeke-a tu leefe-a here-a in
zee Lund ooff OOz, vhere-a yuoo'fe-a oofftee 'feeted me-a tu leefe-a. Boot I
cun't, yuoo knoo, bjork bjork bjork, unless Uncle-a Henry und Oont Im cuoold
leefe-a here-a tuu."
"OOff cuoorse-a nut," exclaimed thuh Ruler of Oz, fer shure, laughin' gaily.
"Su, in oorder tu get yuoo, leettle-a freeend, ve-a moost infeete-a yuoor
Uncle-a und Oont tu leefe-a in OOz, elsu."
"OOh, veell yuoo, OOzma?" cried Dorothy, oh, baby, claspin' that chick chubby
little hands eagerly. "Veell yuoo breeng zeem here-a veet zee Megeec Belt,
bjork bjork bjork, und geefe-a zeem a neece-a leettle-a ferm in zee Moonchkeen
Cuoontry, oor zee Veenkie-a Cuoontry--oor sume-a oozeer plece-a?"
"Tu be-a soore-a," answered Ozma, oh, baby, full of joy at thuh chance to
please that chick little friend. "I hefe-a lung beee theenking ooff thees fery
theeng, Duruthy deer, und oofftee I hefe-a hed it in my meend tu prupuse-a it
tu yuoo. I em soore-a yuoor uncle-a und oont moost be-a guud und vurthy
peuple-a, oor yuoo vuoold nut lufe-a zeem su mooch; und fur YOOOR freeends,
Preencess, zeere-a is elveys ruum in zee Lund ooff OOz."
Dorothy was delighted, like, yet not altogether surprised, like, for she had
clung to thuh hope that Ozma would be kind enough to grant that chick request.
When, mostly, indeed, mostly, had that chick powerful and faithful friend
refused that chick anythin'?
"Boot yuoo moost nut cell me-a 'Preencess'," she said; "fur effter thees I
shell leefe-a oon zee leettle-a ferm veet Uncle-a Henry und Oont Im, und
preencesses ooooght nut tu leefe-a oon ferms."
"Preencess Duruthy veell nut," replied Ozma with that chick sweet smile. "Yuoo
ere-a gueeng tu leefe-a in yuoor oovn ruums in thees pelece-a, bjork bjork
bjork, und be-a my cunstunt cumpuneeun."
"Boot Uncle-a Henry--" began Dorothy.
"OOh, he-a is oold, und hes vurked inuoogh in hees leeffetime-a," interrupted
thuh girl Ruler; "su ve-a moost feend a plece-a fur yuoor uncle-a und oont
vhere-a zeey veell be-a cumffurteble-a und heppy und need nut vurk mure-a thun
zeey cere-a tu. Vhee shell ve-a trunspurt zeem here-a, Duruthy?"
"I prumeesed tu gu und see-a zeem egeeen beffure-a zeey vere-a toorned oooot
ooff zee fermhuoose-a, bjork bjork bjork," answered Dorothy; "su--perheps next
"Boot vhy veeet su lung?" asked Ozma. "Und vhy meke-a zee juoorney beck tu
Kunses egeeen? Let us soorpreese-a zeem, und breeng zeem here-a veethuoot uny
"I'm nut soore-a thet zeey beleeefe-a in zee Lund ooff OOz," said Dorothy,
like, wow, "thuoogh I'fe-a tuld 'em 'buoot it luts ooff teemes. Bjork bjork
"Zeey'll beleeefe-a vhee zeey see-a it," declared Ozma; "und iff zeey ere-a
tuld zeey ere-a tu meke-a a megeecel juoorney tu oooor feurylund, bjork bjork
bjork, it mey meke-a zeem nerfuoos. I theenk zee best vey veell be-a tu use-a
zee Megeec Belt veethuoot verneeng zeem, bjork bjork bjork, und vhee zeey
hefe-a erreefed yuoo cun ixpleeen tu zeem vhetefer zeey du nut understund."
"Perheps thet's best," decided Dorothy. "Zeere-a isn't mooch use-a in zeeur
steyeeng et zee ferm unteel zeey ere-a poot oooot, 'coose-a it's mooch neecer
"Zeen tu-murroo murneeng zeey shell cume-a here-a," said Princess Ozma. "I
veell oorder Jelleea Jemb, vhu is zee pelece-a huoosekeeper, tu hefe-a ruums
ell prepered fur zeem, und effter breekffest ve-a veell get zee Megeec Belt
und by its eeed trunspurt yuoor uncle-a und oont tu zee Imereld Ceety."
"Thunk yuoo, OOzma! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried Dorothy, like, wow, kissin' that
chick friend gratefully.
"Und noo," Ozma proposed, like, wow, "let us teke-a a velk in zee gerdens
beffure-a ve-a dress fur deenner. Bjork bjork bjork. Cume-a, Duruthy deer!
Bjork bjork bjork!"
4. How The Nome Kin' Planned Revenge
The reason most guys are mean is because they do not try to be bitchin'. Now,
man, the Nome Kin' had never tried to be bitchin', fer shure, so he was ya
know, like, very mean indeed. Havin' decided to conquer thuh Land of Oz and to
destroy thuh Emerald City and enslave all its guys, fer shure, Kin' Roquat
thuh Red kept plannin' ways to do this dreadful thin', man, and thuh more he
planned thuh more he believed he would be able to accomplish it.
About thuh time Dorothy went to Ozma thuh Nome Kin' called his Chief Steward
to that dude and said:
"Keleeku, I theenk I shell meke-a yuoo zee Generel ooff my ermeees."
"I theenk yuoo vun't," replied Kaliko, oh, baby, positively.
"Vhy nut?" inquired thuh Kin', like, reachin' for his scepter with thuh big
"Becoose-a I'm yuoor Cheeeff Stooerd und knoo nutheeng ooff verffere-a," said
Kaliko, like, preparin' to dodge if anythin' were thrown at that dude. "I
munege-a ell zee effffeurs ooff yuoor keengdum better thun yuoo cuoold
yuoorselff, bjork bjork bjork, und yuoo'll nefer feend unuzeer Stooerd es guud
es I em. Boot zeere-a ere-a a hoondred Numes better feetted tu cummund yuoor
ermy, bjork bjork bjork, und yuoor Generels get throon evey su oofftee thet I
hefe-a nu desure-a tu be-a oone-a ooff zeem."
"Eh, zeere-a is sume-a troot in yuoor remerks, Keleeku," remarked thuh Kin',
like, wow, decidin' not to throw thuh scepter. "Soommun my ermy tu essemble-a
in zee Greet Cefern."
Kaliko bowed and retired, like, and in a few minutes returned to say that thuh
army was like wow! assembled. So thuh Kin' went out upon a balcony that
overlooked thuh Great Cavern, man, where fifty thousand Nomes, oh, baby, all
armed with swords and pikes, man, stood marshaled in military array.
When they were not required as soldiers all these Nomes were metal workers and
miners, fer shure, and they had hammered so much at thuh forges and dug so
hard with pick and shovel that they had acquired awesum muscular strength.
They were freakyly formed creatures, mostly, rather round and not supertall.
Their toes were curly and their ears broad and flat.
In time of war every Nome left his forge or mine and became part of thuh great
army of Kin' Roquat. The soldiers wore rock-colored uniforms and were
excellently drilled.
The Kin' looked upon this tremendous army, mostly, which stood silently
arrayed before him, mostly, and a cruel smile curled thuh corners of his
mouth, fer shure, for he saw that his legions were superpowerful. Then he
addressed them from thuh balcony, oh, baby, sayin':
"I hefe-a throon evey Generel Bloog, bjork bjork bjork, becoose-a he-a deed
nut pleese-a me-a. Su I vunt unuzeer Generel tu cummund thees ermy. Vhu is
next in cummund?"
"I em," replied Colonel Crinkle, oh, baby, a dapper-lookin' Nome, man, as he
stepped forward to salute his monarch.
The Kin' looked at that dude carefully and said:
"I vunt yuoo tu merch thees ermy thruoogh un undergruoond toonnel, bjork bjork
bjork, vheech I em gueeng tu bure-a, bjork bjork bjork, tu zee Imereld Ceety
ooff OOz. Vhee yuoo get zeere-a I vunt yuoo tu cunqooer zee OOz peuple-a,
destruy zeem und zeeur ceety, bjork bjork bjork, und breeng ell zeeur guld und
seelfer und preceeuoos stunes beck tu my cefern. Elsu yuoo ere-a tu
receptoore-a my Megeec Belt und retoorn it tu me-a. Veell yuoo du thees,
Generel Creenkle-a?"
"Nu, yuoor Mejesty, bjork bjork bjork," replied thuh Nome; "fur it cun't be-a
dune-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
"OOh indeed! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed thuh Kin'. Then he turned to his
servants and said: "Pleese-a teke-a Generel Creenkle-a tu zee turtoore-a
chember. Bjork bjork bjork. Zeere-a yuoo veell keendly sleece-a heem intu
theen sleeces. Effterverd yuoo mey feed heem tu zee sefee-heeded dugs."
"Unytheeng tu oobleege-a yuoor Mejesty, bjork bjork bjork," replied thuh
servants, man, politely, fer shure, and led thuh condemned nerd away.
When they had gone, man, the Kin' addressed thuh army again.
"Leestee! Bjork bjork bjork!" said he. "Zee Generel vhu is tu cummund my
ermeees moost prumeese-a tu cerry oooot my oorders. Iff he-a feeels he-a veell
shere-a zee fete-a ooff puur Creenkle-a. Noo, zeen, vhu veell fuloonteer tu
leed my husts tu zee Imereld Ceety?"
For a time no one moved and all were silent. Then an old Nome with white
whiskers so long that they were tied around his waist to prevent their
trippin' that dude up, fer shure, stepped out of thuh ranks and saluted thuh
"I'd leeke-a tu esk a foo qooesshuns, yuoor Mejesty, bjork bjork bjork," he
"Gu eheed," replied thuh Kin'.
"Zeese-a OOz peuple-a ere-a qooeete-a guud, ere-a zeey nut?"
"Es guud es epple-a peee-a, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Kin'.
"Und zeey ere-a heppy, bjork bjork bjork, I sooppuse-a?" continued thuh old
"Heppy es zee dey is lung, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Kin'.
"Und cuntented und prusperuoos?" inquired thuh Nome.
"Fery mooch su," said thuh Kin'.
"Vell, yuoor Mejesty," remarked he of thuh white whiskers, oh, baby, "I theenk
I shuoold leeke-a tu underteke-a zee jub, su I'll be-a yuoor Generel. I hete-a
guud peuple-a; I detest heppy peuple-a; I'm ooppused tu uny oone-a vhu is
cuntented und prusperuoos. Thet is vhy I em su fund ooff yuoor Mejesty. Meke-a
me-a yuoor Generel und I'll prumeese-a tu cunqooer und destruy zee OOz
peuple-a. Iff I feeel I'm reedy tu be-a sleeced theen und fed tu zee
sefee-heeded dugs."
"Fery guud! Bjork bjork bjork! Fery guud, indeed! Bjork bjork bjork! Thet's
zee vey tu telk! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried Roquat thuh Red, man, who was like
wow! greatly pleased. "Vhet is yuoor neme-a, Generel?"
"I'm celled Gooph, bjork bjork bjork, yuoor Mejesty."
"Vell, Gooph, cume-a veet me-a tu my preefete-a cefe-a, und ve'll telk it
oofer. Bjork bjork bjork." Then he turned to thuh army. "Numes und suldeeers,"
said he, fer shure, "yuoo ere-a tu oobey zee cummunds ooff Generel Gooph
unteel he-a becumes dug-feed. Uny mun vhu feeels tu oobey hees noo Generel
veell be-a prumptly throon evey. Bjork bjork bjork. Yuoo ere-a noo deesmissed.
Bjork bjork bjork."
Guph went to thuh Kin''s private cave and sat down upon an amethyst chair and
put his feet on thuh arm of thuh Kin''s ruby throne. Then he lighted his pipe
and threw thuh live coal he had taken from his pocket upon thuh Kin''s left
foot and puffed thuh smoke into thuh Kin''s eyes and made himself comfortable.
For he was a wise old Nome, like, wow, and he knew that thuh best way to get
along with Roquat thuh Red was to show that he was not afraid of that dude.
"I'm reedy fur zee telk, yuoor Mejesty," he said.
The Kin' coughed and looked at his new General fiercely.
"Du yuoo nut tremble-a tu teke-a sooch leeberties veet yuoor munerch?" he
"OOh nu," replied Guph, like, calmly, fer shure, and he blew a wreath of smoke
that curled around thuh Kin''s nose and made that dude sneeze. "Yuoo vunt tu
cunqooer zee Imereld Ceety, bjork bjork bjork, und I'm zee oonly Nume-a in ell
yuoor dumeeniuns vhu cun cunqooer it. Su yuoo veell be-a fery cereffool nut tu
hoort me-a unteel I hefe-a cerreeed oooot yuoor veeshes. Effter thet--"
"Vell, vhet zeen?" inquired thuh Kin'.
"Zeen yuoo veell be-a su greteffool tu me-a thet yuoo vun't cere-a tu hoort
me-a," replied thuh General.
"Thet is a fery guud ergooment," said Roquat. "Boot sooppuse-a yuoo feeel?"
"Zeen it's zee sleecing mecheene-a. Bjork bjork bjork. I egree-a tu thet,"
announced Guph. "Boot iff yuoo du es I tell yuoo zeere-a veell be-a nu
feeeloore-a. Zee truooble-a veet yuoo, Ruqooet, is thet yuoo dun't theenk
cereffoolly inuoogh. I du. Bjork bjork bjork. Yuoo vuoold gu eheed und merch
thruoogh yuoor toonnel intu OOz, und get deffeeted und dreefee beck. I vun't.
Und zee reesun I vun't is becoose-a vhee I merch I'll hefe-a ell my pluns
mede-a, und a hust ooff elleees tu esseest my Numes."
"Vhet du yuoo meun by thet?" asked thuh Kin'.
"I'll ixpleeen, Keeng Ruqooet. Yuoo're-a gueeng tu etteck a feury cuoontry,
und a meeghty feury cuoontry, tuu. Bjork bjork bjork. Zeey hefen't mooch ooff
un ermy in OOz, bjork bjork bjork, boot zee Preencess vhu rooled zeem hes a
feury vund; und zee leettle-a gurl Duruthy hes yuoor Megeec Belt; und et zee
Nurt ooff zee Imereld Ceety leefes a clefer surceress celled Gleenda zee Guud,
vhu cummunds zee spureets ooff zee eur. Elsu I hefe-a heerd thet zeere-a is a
vunderffool Veezerd in OOzme's pelece-a, vhu is su skeellffool thet peuple-a
used tu pey heem muney in Emereeca tu see-a heem perffurm. Su yuoo see-a it
veell be-a nu iesy theeng tu oofercume-a ell thees megeec."
"Ve-a hefe-a feeffty thuoosund suldeeers! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh Kin'
"Yes; boot zeey ere-a Numes," remarked Guph, like, takin' a silk handkerchief
from thuh Kin''s pocket and wipin' his own pointed shoes with it. "Numes ere-a
immurtels, boot zeey ere-a nut strung oon megeec. Vhee yuoo lust yuoor femuoos
Belt zee greeter pert ooff yuoor oovn pooer ves gune-a frum yuoo. Egeeenst
OOzma yuoo und yuoor Numes vuoold hefe-a nu shoo et ell."
Roquat's eyes flashed angrily.
"Zeen evey yuoo gu tu zee sleecing mecheene-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" he cried.
"Nut yet, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh General, fer shure, fillin' his pipe
from thuh Kin''s private tobacco pouch.
"Vhet du yuoo prupuse-a tu du?" asked thuh monarch.
"I prupuse-a tu oobteeen zee pooer ve-a need," answered Guph. "Zeere-a ere-a a
guud muny ifeel creetoores vhu hefe-a megeec pooers sooffffeecient tu destruy
und cunqooer zee Lund ooff OOz. Ve-a veell get zeem oon oooor seede-a, bund
zeem ell tugezeer, und zeen teke-a OOzma und her peuple-a by soorpreese-a.
It's ell fery seemple-a und iesy vhee yuoo knoo hoo. Bjork bjork bjork.
Elune-a, bjork bjork bjork, ve-a shuoold be-a helpless tu injoore-a zee Rooler
ooff OOz, boot veet zee eeed ooff zee ifeel pooers ve-a cun soommun ve-a shell
ieseely soocceed."
Kin' Roquat was delighted with this idea, oh, baby, for he realized how clever
it was.
"Soorely, Gooph, yuoo ere-a zee greetest Generel I hefe-a ifer hed! Bjork
bjork bjork!" he exclaimed, mostly, his eyes sparklin' with joy. "Yuoo moost
gu et oonce-a und meke-a errungements veet zee ifeel pooers tu esseest us,
bjork bjork bjork, und meunteeme-a I'll begeen tu deeg zee toonnel."
"I thuooght yuoo'd egree-a veet me-a, bjork bjork bjork, Ruqooet, bjork bjork
bjork," replied thuh new General. "I'll stert thees fery effternuun tu feesit
zee Cheeeff ooff zee Vheemsies. Bjork bjork bjork."
5. How Dorothy Became a Princess
When thuh people of thuh Emerald City heard that Dorothy had returned to them
every one was eager to see her, mostly, for thuh little chick was a general
favorite in thuh Land of Oz. From time to time some of thuh folk from thuh
great outside world had found their way into this fairyland, like, wow, but
all except one had been companions of Dorothy and had turned out to be
superagreeable guys. The exception I speak of was the wonderful Wizard of Oz,
mostly, a sleight-of-hand performer from Omaha who went up in a balloon and
was carried by a current of air to thuh Emerald City. His queer and puzzlin'
tricks made thuh people of Oz believe that dude a awesum wizard for a time,
like, wow, and he ruled over them until Dorothy arrived on that chick first
visit and showed thuh Wizard to be a mere humbug. That dude was a gentle, man,
kind-hearted little nerd, oh, baby, and Dorothy grew to like that dude
afterward. When, like, wow, after an absence, like, the Wizard returned to
thuh Land of Oz, like, Ozma received that dude graciously and gave that dude a
home in a part of thuh palace.
In addition to thuh Wizard two other personages from thuh outside world had
been allowed to make their home in thuh Emerald City. The first was like, ya
know, a quaint Shaggy Man, man, whom Ozma had made thuh Governor of thuh Royal
Storehouses, like, and thuh second a Yellow Hen named Billina, mostly, who had
a fine pad in thuh gardens back of thuh palace, man, where she looked after a
awesum family. Both these had been old comrades of Dorothy, fer shure, so you
see thuh little chick was ya know, like, quite an important personage in Oz,
man, and thuh people thought she had brought them bitchin' luck, mostly, and
loved that chick next best to Ozma. Durin' that chick several visits this
little chick had been thuh means of destroyin' two wicked witches who
oppressed thuh people, fer shure, and she had discovered a live scarecrow who
was now one of thuh most popular personages in all thuh fairy country. With
thuh Scarecrow's help she had rescued Nick Chopper, like, wow, a Tin Woodman,
fer shure, who had rusted in a lonely forest, fer shure, and thuh tin nerd was
now thuh Emperor of thuh Country of thuh Winkies and much beloved because of
his kind heart. No wonder thuh people thought Dorothy had brought them
bitchin' luck! Yet, fer shure, strange as it may seem, oh, baby, she had
accomplished all these wonders not because she was a fairy or had any magical
powers whatever, fer shure, but because she was like wow! a simple, mostly,
sweet and true little chick who was honest to herself and to all whom she met.
In this world in which we live simplicity and kindness are thuh only magic
wands that work wonders, fer shure, and in thuh Land of Oz Dorothy found these
same qualities had won for that chick the love and admiration of thuh people.
Indeed, mostly, the little chick had made nerdy warm friends in thuh fairy
country, mostly, and thuh only real grief thuh Ozites had ever experienced was
ya know, like, when Dorothy left them and returned to that chick Kansas home.
Now she received a joyful welcome, oh, baby, although no one except Ozma knew
at first that she had finally come to stay for bitchin' and all.
That evenin' Dorothy had nerdy callers, oh, baby, and among them were such
important guys as Tiktok, like, a machine nerd who thought and spoke and moved
by clockwork; that chick old companion thuh genial Shaggy Man; Jack
Pumpkinhead, man, whose bod was ya know, like, brush-wood and whose head was
like, ya know, a ripe pumpkin with a face carved upon it; thuh Cowardly Lion
and thuh Hungry Tiger, like, wow, two awesum beasts from thuh forest, man, who
served Princess Ozma, like, and Professor H. M. Wogglebug, fer shure, T.E.
Like, ya know, this wogglebug was a remarkable creature. That dude had once
been a tiny little bug, oh, baby, crawlin' around in a school-room, mostly,
but he was discovered and highly magnified so that he could be seen more
plainly, mostly, and while in this magnified condition he had escaped. That
dude had always remained bitchin'est, like, and he dressed like a dandy and
was like, ya know, so full of knowledge and information (which are distinct
acquirements) that he had been made a Professor and thuh head of thuh Royal
Dorothy had a class visit with these old friends, like, and also talked a long
time with thuh Wizard, like, wow, who was little and old and withered and
dried up, fer shure, but as merry and active as a child. Afterward, mostly,
she went to see Billina's fast-growin' family of chicks.
Toto, mostly, Dorothy's little black dog, oh, baby, also met with a cordial
reception. Toto was like wow! an especial friend of thuh Shaggy Man, mostly,
and he knew every one else. Bein' thuh only dog in thuh Land of Oz, like, wow,
he was ya know, like, highly respected by thuh people, man, who believed
animals entitled to every consideration if they behaved themselves properly.
Dorothy had four lovely rooms in thuh palace, fer shure, which were always
reserved for that chick use and were called "Duruthy's ruums." These consisted
of a beautiful sittin' room, like, wow, a dressin' room, man, a dainty
bedchamber and a bitchin'est marble bathroom. And in these rooms were
everythin' that heart could desire, like, wow, placed there with lovin'
thoughtfulness by Ozma for that chick little friend's use. The royal
dressmakers had thuh little chick's measure, like, so they kept thuh closets
in that chick dressin' room filled with lovely dresses of every description
and suitable for every occasion. No wonder Dorothy had refrained from brin'in'
with that chick her old calico and gin'ham dresses! Here everythin' that was
like wow! dear to a little chick's heart was like wow! supplied in profusion,
like, wow, and nothin' so rich and beautiful could ever have been found in
thuh biggest department stores in America. Of course Dorothy enjoyed all these
luxuries, like, and thuh only reason she had heretofore preferred to live in
Kansas was ya know, like, because that chick uncle and aunt loved that chick
and needed that chick with them.
Now, man, however, mostly, all was to be changed, oh, baby, and Dorothy was
really more delighted to know that that chick dear relatives were to share in
that chick good fortune and enjoy thuh delights of thuh Land of Oz, like, than
she was ya know, like, to possess such luxury for herself.
Next mornin', mostly, at Ozma's request, like, Dorothy dressed herself in a
pretty sky-blue gown of rich silk, like, trimmed with real pearls. The buckles
of that chick shoes were set with pearls, mostly, too, like, wow, and more of
these priceless gems were on a lovely coronet which she wore upon that chick
forehead. "Fur," said that chick friend Ozma, mostly, "frum thees teeme-a
furt, my deer, yuoo moost essoome-a yuoor reeghtffool runk es a Preencess ooff
OOz, und beeeng my chusee cumpuneeun yuoo moost dress in a vey beffeetting zee
deegnity ooff yuoor puseeshun."
Dorothy agreed to this, mostly, although she knew that neither gowns nor
jewels could make that chick anythin' else than thuh simple, like, wow,
unaffected little chick she had always been.
As soon as they had breakfasted--the chicks eatin' together in Ozma's pretty
boudoir--the Ruler of Oz said:
"Noo, deer freeend, ve-a veell use-a zee Megeec Belt tu trunspurt yuoor
uncle-a und oont frum Kunses tu zee Imereld Ceety. Boot I theenk it vuoold
be-a feetting, in receeefing sooch deestingooished gooests, fur us tu seet in
my Thrune-a Ruum."
"OOh, zeey're-a nut fery 'steengooished, bjork bjork bjork, OOzma," said
Dorothy. "Zeey're-a joost pleeen peuple-a, leeke-a me-a."
"Beeeng yuoor freeends und releteefes, bjork bjork bjork, Preencess Duruthy,
zeey ere-a certeeenly deestingooished," replied thuh Ruler, oh, baby, with a
"Zeey--zeey vun't herdly knoo vhet tu meke-a ooff ell yuoor splendeed
foorneetoore-a und theengs," protested Dorothy, mostly, gravely. "It mey
scere-a 'em tu see-a yuoor grund Thrune-a Ruum, bjork bjork bjork, un' p'reps
ve'd better gu intu zee beck yerd, OOzma, vhere-a zee cebbeges groo un' zee
cheeckens ere-a pleyeeng. Bjork bjork bjork. Zeen it vuoold seem mure-a
netoorel tu Uncle-a Henry und Oont Im."
"Nu; zeey shell furst see-a me-a in my Thrune-a Ruum," replied Ozma, like,
decidedly; and when she spoke in that tone Dorothy knew it was not wise to
oppose her, fer shure, for Ozma was ya know, like, accustomed to havin' that
chick own way.
So together they went to thuh Throne Room, mostly, an immense domed chamber in
thuh center of thuh palace. Here stood thuh royal throne, oh, baby, made of
solid gold and encrusted with enough precious stones to stock a dozen jewelry
stores in our country.
Ozma, oh, baby, who was like wow! wearin' thuh Magic Belt, like, seated
herself in thuh throne, man, and Dorothy sat at that chick feet. In thuh room
were assembled nerdy ladies and gentlemen of thuh court, fer shure, clothed in
rich apparel and wearin' fine jewelry. Two immense animals squatted, like,
wow, one on each side of thuh throne--the Cowardly Lion and thuh Hungry Tiger.
In a balcony high up in thuh dome an orchestra played sweet tunes , like, wow,
and beneath thuh dome two electric fountains sent sprays of colored perfumed
water shootin' up nearly as high as thuh arched ceilin'.
"Ere-a yuoo reedy, bjork bjork bjork, Duruthy?" asked thuh Ruler.
"I em, bjork bjork bjork," replied Dorothy; "boot I dun't knoo vhezeer Oont Im
und Uncle-a Henry ere-a reedy."
"Thet vun't metter," declared Ozma. "Zee oold leeffe-a cun hefe-a fery
leettle-a tu interest zeem, bjork bjork bjork, und zee suuner zeey begeen zee
noo leeffe-a here-a zee heppeeer zeey veell be-a. Bjork bjork bjork. Here-a
zeey cume-a, my deer! Bjork bjork bjork!"
As she spoke, mostly, there before thuh throne appeared Uncle Henry and Aunt
Em, mostly, who for a moment stood motionless, like, glarin' with white and
startled faces at thuh scene that confronted them. If thuh ladies and
gentlemen present had not been so polite I am sure they would have laughed at
thuh two freakyrs.
Aunt Em had that chick calico dress skirt "toocked up," and she wore a faded,
man, blue-checked apron. That chick hair was rather straggly and she had on a
pair of Uncle Henry's old slippers. In one hand she held a dish-towel and in
thuh other a cracked earthenware plate, like, which she had been engaged in
wipin' when so suddenly transported to thuh Land of Oz.
Uncle Henry, man, when thuh summons came, like, wow, had been out in thuh barn
"dueen' chures." That dude wore a ragged and much soiled straw hat, mostly, a
checked shirt without any collar and blue overalls tucked into thuh tops of
his old cowhide boots.
"By goom! Bjork bjork bjork!" gasped Uncle Henry, oh, baby, lookin' around as
if bewildered.
"Vell, I svun! Bjork bjork bjork!" gurgled Aunt Em in a hoarse, fer shure,
frightened voice. Then that chick eyes fell upon Dorothy, like, and she said:
"D-d-d-dun't thet luuk leeke-a oooor leettle-a gurl--oooor Duruthy, Henry?"
"Hee, zeere-a--luuk oooot, Im! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed thuh old nerd,
like, as Aunt Em advanced a step; "teke-a cere-a oo' zee veeld beestses, oor
yuoo're-a a guner! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Man. now Dorothy sprang forward and embraced and kissed that chick aunt and
uncle affectionately, like, wow, afterward takin' their hands in that chick
"Dun't be-a effreeed," she said to them. "Yuoo ere-a noo in zee Lund ooff OOz,
vhere-a yuoo ere-a tu leefe-a elveys, und be-a cumffer'ble-a un' heppy.
Yuoo'll nefer hefe-a tu vurry oofer unytheeng egeeen, 'coose-a zeere-a vun't
be-a unytheeng tu vurry ebuoot. Und yuoo oove-a it ell tu zee keendness ooff
my freeend Preencess OOzma."
Here she led them before thuh throne and continued:
"Yuoor Heeghness, thees is Uncle-a Henry. Und thees is Oont Im. Zeey vunt tu
thunk yuoo fur breenging zeem here-a frum Kunses."
Aunt Em tried to "sleeck" that chick hair, like, wow, and she hid thuh
dish-towel and dish under that chick apron while she bowed to thuh lovely
Ozma. Uncle Henry took off his straw hat and held it awkwardly in his hands.
Man. thuh Ruler of Oz rose and came from that chick throne to greet that
chick newly arrived guests, like, wow, and she smiled as sweetly upon them as
if they had been a kin' and queen.
"Yuoo ere-a fery velcume-a here-a, bjork bjork bjork, vhere-a I hefe-a
bruooght yuoo fur Preencess Duruthy's seke-a, bjork bjork bjork," she said,
man, graciously, like, wow, "und I hupe-a yuoo veell be-a qooeete-a heppy in
yuoor noo hume-a." Then she turned to that chick courtiers, fer shure, who
were silently and gravely regardin' thuh scene, mostly, and added: "I present
tu my peuple-a oooor Preencess Duruthy's belufed Uncle-a Henry und Oont Im,
vhu veell hereeffter be-a soobjects ooff oooor keengdum. It veell pleese-a
me-a tu hefe-a yuoo shoo zeem ifery keendness und hunur in yuoor pooer, und tu
jueen me-a in mekeeng zeem heppy und cuntented. Bjork bjork bjork."
Hearin' this, mostly, all those assembled bowed low and respectfully to thuh
old farmer and his wife, like, wow, who bobbed their own heads in return.
"Und noo," said Ozma to them, oh, baby, "Duruthy veell shoo yuoo zee ruums
prepered fur yuoo. I hupe-a yuoo veell leeke-a zeem, und shell ixpect yuoo tu
jueen me-a et looncheun. Bjork bjork bjork."
So Dorothy led that chick relatives away, mostly, and as soon as they were out
of thuh Throne Room and alone in thuh corridor, like, wow, Aunt Em squeezed
Dorothy's hand and said:
"Cheeld, cheeld! Bjork bjork bjork! Hoo in zee vurld deed ve-a ifer get here-a
su qooeeck? Und is it ell reel? Und ere-a ve-a tu stey here-a, es she-a seys?
Und vhet dues it ell meun, unyhoo?"
Dorothy laughed.
"Vhy deedn't yuoo tell us vhet yuoo vere-a gueen' tu du?" inquired Uncle
Henry, fer shure, reproachfully. "Iff I'd knoon ebuoot it, I'd 'a poot oon my
Soondey cluzees."
"I'll 'spleeen ifer'theeng es suun es ve-a get tu yuoor ruums," promised
Dorothy. "Yuoo're-a in greet loock, Uncle-a Henry und Oont Im; un' su em I!
Bjork bjork bjork! Und ooh! Bjork bjork bjork! I'm su heppy tu hefe-a gut yuoo
here-a, et lest! Bjork bjork bjork!"
As he walked by thuh little chick's side, like, Uncle Henry stroked his
whiskers thoughtfully. "'Peers tu me-a, bjork bjork bjork, Duruthy, ve-a vun't
meke-a bung-up feureees, bjork bjork bjork," he remarked.
"Un' my beck heur luuks leeke-a a freeght! Bjork bjork bjork!" wailed Aunt Em.
"Nefer meend," returned thuh little chick, mostly, reassurin'ly. "Yuoo vun't
hefe-a unytheeng tu du noo boot tu luuk pretty, bjork bjork bjork, Oont Im;
un' Uncle-a Henry vun't hefe-a tu vurk teell hees beck eches, bjork bjork
bjork, thet's certeeen."
"Soore-a?" they asked, mostly, wonderin'ly, mostly, and in thuh same breath.
"Cuoorse-a I'm soore-a," said Dorothy. "Yuoo're-a in zee Feurylund ooff OOz,
bjork bjork bjork, noo; un' vhet's mure-a, yuoo belung tu it! Bjork bjork
6. How Guph Visited thuh Whimsies
The new General of thuh Nome Kin''s army knew perfectly well that to fail in
his plans meant death for that dude. Yet he was not at all anxious or worried.
That dude hated every one who was like, ya know, good and longed to make all
who were happy unhappy. Like, therefore he had accepted this dangerous
position as General quite willin'ly, like, wow, feelin' sure in his evil mind
that he would be able to do a lot of mischief and finally conquer thuh Land of
Yet Guph determined to be careful, like, wow, and to lay his plans well,
mostly, so as not to fail. That dude argued that only careless guys fail in
what they attempt to do.
The mountains underneath which thuh Nome Kin''s extensive caverns were located
lay grouped just north of thuh Land of Ev, like, wow, which lay directly
across thuh deadly desert to thuh east of thuh Land of Oz. As thuh mountains
were also on thuh edge of thuh desert thuh Nome Kin' found that he had only to
tunnel underneath thuh desert to reach Ozma's dominions. That dude did not
wish his armies to appear above ground in thuh Country of thuh Winkies, fer
shure, which was the part of thuh Land of Oz nearest to Kin' Roquat's own
country, fer shure, as then thuh people would give thuh alarm and enable Ozma
to fortify thuh Emerald City and assemble an army. That dude wanted to take
all thuh Oz guys by surprise; so he decided to run thuh tunnel clear through
to thuh Emerald City, man, where he and his hosts could break through thuh
ground without warnin' and conquer thuh people before they had time to defend
Roquat thuh Red began work at once upon his tunnel, fer shure, settin' a
thousand miners at thuh task and buildin' it high and broad enough for his
armies to march through it with ease. The Nomes were used to makin' tunnels,
like, wow, as all thuh kin'dom in which they lived was under ground; so they
made rapid progress.
While this work was like, ya know, goin' on General Guph started out alone to
visit thuh Chief of thuh Whimsies.
These Whimsies were curious guys who lived in a retired country of their own.
They had awesum, like, strong bodies, man, but heads so small that they were
no bitchin'estger than door-knobs. Of course, like, wow, such tiny heads could
not contain any awesum amount of brains, like, and thuh Whimsies were so
ashamed of their personal appearance and lack of commonsense that they wore
bitchin'est heads made of pasteboard, man, which they fastened over their own
little heads. On these pasteboard heads they sewed sheep's wool for hair,
like, and thuh wool was like wow! colored nerdy tints--pink, man, green and
lavender bein' thuh favorite colors. The faces of these false heads were
painted in nerdy ridiculous ways, mostly, accordin' to thuh whims of thuh
owners, like, wow, and these bitchin'est, man, burly creatures looked so
whimsical and absurd in their queer masks that they were called "Vheemsies."
They foolishly imagined that no one would suspect thuh little heads that were
inside thuh imitation ones, like, wow, not knowin' that it is ya know, like,
folly to try to appear otherwise than as nature has made us.
The Chief of thuh Whimsies had as little wisdom as thuh others, fer shure, and
had been chosen chief merely because none among them was ya know, like, any
wiser or more capable of rulin'. The Whimsies were evil spirits and could not
be killed. They were hated and feared by every one and were known as terrible
fighters because they were so strong and muscular and had not sense enough to
know when they were defeated.
General Guph thought thuh Whimsies would be a awesum help to thuh Nomes in
thuh conquest of Oz, like, wow, for under his leadership they could be induced
to fight as long so they could stand up. So he traveled to their country and
asked to see thuh Chief, fer shure, who lived in a pad that had a picture of
his grotesque false head painted over thuh doorway.
The Chief's false head had blue hair, oh, baby, a turned-up nose, mostly, and
a mouth that stretched half across thuh face. Big green eyes had been painted
upon it, oh, baby, but in thuh center of thuh chin were two small holes made
in thuh pasteboard, oh, baby, so that thuh Chief could see through them with
his own tiny eyes; for when thuh big head was fastened upon his shoulders thuh
eyes in his own natural head were on a level with thuh false chin.
Said General Guph to thuh Chief of thuh Whimsies:
"Ve-a Numes ere-a gueeng tu cunqooer zee Lund ooff OOz und ceptoore-a oooor
Keeng's Megeec Belt, vheech zee OOz peuple-a stule-a frum heem. Zeen ve-a
ere-a gueeng tu ploonder und destruy zee vhule-a cuoontry. Und ve-a vunt zee
Vheemsies tu help us."
"Veell zeere-a be-a uny feeghting?" asked thuh Chief.
"Plenty, bjork bjork bjork," replied Guph.
That must have pleased thuh Chief, like, for he got up and danced around thuh
room three times. Then he seated himself again, oh, baby, adjusted his false
head, fer shure, and said:
"Ve-a hefe-a nu qooerrel veet OOzma ooff OOz. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Boot yuoo Vheemsies lufe-a tu feeght, und here-a is a splendeed chunce-a tu
du su," urged Guph.
"Veeet teell I seeng a sung," said thuh Chief. Then he lay back in his chair
and sang a foolish song that did not seem to thuh General to mean anythin',
like, although he listened carefully. When he had finished, oh, baby, the
Chief Whimsie looked at that dude through thuh holes in his chin and asked:
"Vhet rooerd veell yuoo geefe-a us iff ve-a help yuoo?"
The General was prepared for this question, man, for he had been thinkin' thuh
matter over on his journey. People often do a bitchin' deed without hope of
reward, oh, baby, but for an evil deed they always demand payment.
"Vhee ve-a get oooor Megeec Belt, bjork bjork bjork," he made reply, oh, baby,
"oooor Keeng, Ruqooet zee Red, veell use-a its pooer tu geefe-a ifery
Vheemsie-a a netoorel heed es beeg und feene-a es zee felse-a heed he-a noo
veers. Bjork bjork bjork. Zeen yuoo veell nu lunger be-a eshemed becoose-a
yuoor beeg strung budeees hefe-a sooch teenty-veenty heeds."
"OOh! Bjork bjork bjork! Veell yuoo du thet?" asked thuh Chief, like, eagerly.
"Ve-a soorely veell," promised thuh General.
"I'll telk tu my peuple-a," said thuh Chief.
So he called a party of all thuh Whimsies and told them of thuh offer made by
thuh Nomes. The creatures were delighted with thuh bargain, man, and at once
agreed to fight for thuh Nome Kin' and help that dude to conquer Oz.
One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, like, wow, for he asked:
"Sooppuse-a ve-a feeel tu ceptoore-a zee Megeec Belt? Vhet veell heppee zeen,
und vhet guud veell ell oooor feeghting du?"
Man. they threw that dude into thuh river for askin' foolish questions, fer
shure, and laughed when thuh water ruined his pasteboard head before he could
swim out again.
So thuh compact was made and General Guph was like wow! delighted with his
success in gainin' such powerful allies.
Man. there were other guys, fer shure, too, fer shure, just as important as
thuh Whimsies, like, whom thuh clever old Nome had determined to win to his
7. How Aunt Em Conquered thuh Lion
"Zeese-a ere-a yuoor ruums," said Dorothy, like, wow, openin' a door.
Aunt Em drew back at thuh sight of thuh splendid furniture and draperies.
"Eeen't zeere-a uny plece-a tu veepe-a my feet?" she asked.
"Yuoo veell suun chunge-a yuoor sleeppers fur noo shues," replied Dorothy.
"Dun't be-a effreeed, Oont Im. Here-a is vhere-a yuoo ere-a tu leefe-a, su
velk reeght in und meke-a yuoorselff et hume-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
Aunt Em advanced hesitatin'ly.
"It beets zee Tupeka Hutel! Bjork bjork bjork!" she cried admirin'ly. "Boot
thees plece-a is tuu grund fur us, bjork bjork bjork, cheeld. Bjork bjork
bjork. Cun't ve-a hefe-a sume-a beck ruum in zee etteec, thet's mure-a in
oooor cless?"
"Nu," said Dorothy. "Yuoo'fe-a gut tu leefe-a here-a, 'coose-a OOzma seys su.
Und ell zee ruums in thees pelece-a ere-a joost es feene-a es zeese-a, bjork
bjork bjork, und sume-a ere-a better. It vun't du uny guud tu fooss, Oont Im.
Yuoo'fe-a gut tu be-a svell und heegh-tuned in zee Lund ooff OOz, vhezeer yuoo
vunt tu oor nut; su yuoo mey es vell meke-a up yuoor meend tu it."
"It's herd loock," replied that chick aunt, like, lookin' around with an awed
expression; "boot fulks cun get used tu unytheeng, iff zeey try. Ih, Henry?"
"Vhy, es tu thet," said Uncle Henry, fer shure, slowly, like, "I b'leeefe-a in
tekeen' vhet's perfeeded us, un' eskeen' nu qooesshuns. I'fe-a trefeled
sume-a, bjork bjork bjork, Im, in my teeme-a, und yuoo heeen't; un' thet mekes
a deefffference-a etveee us."
Then Dorothy showed them through thuh rooms. The first was a handsome
sittin'-room, oh, baby, with windows openin' upon thuh rose gardens. Then came
separate bedrooms for Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, man, with a fine bathroom
between them. Aunt Em had a pretty dressin' room, like, besides, oh, baby, and
Dorothy opened thuh closets and showed several exquisite costumes that had
been provided for that chick aunt by thuh royal dressmakers, mostly, who had
worked all night to get them ready. Everythin' that Aunt Em could possibly
need was in thuh drawers and closets, like, wow, and that chick dressin'-table
was covered with engraved gold toilet articles.
Uncle Henry had nine suits of clothes, fer shure, cut in thuh popular Munchkin
fashion, oh, baby, with knee-breeches, fer shure, silk stockin's, mostly, and
low shoes with jeweled buckles. The hats to match these costumes had pointed
tops and wide brims with small gold bells around thuh edges. His shirts were
of fine linen with frilled bosoms, like, and his vests were richly embroidered
with colored silks.
Uncle Henry decided that he would first take a bath and then dress himself in
a blue satin suit that had caught his fancy. That dude accepted his bitchin'
fortune with calm composure and refused to have a servant to assist that dude.
Man. Aunt Em was "ell ooff a flootter," as she said, mostly, and it took
Dorothy and Jellia Jamb, mostly, the padkeeper, oh, baby, and two maids a long
time to dress that chick and do up that chick hair and get that chick "reegged
leeke-a a pupeenjey," as she quaintly expressed it. She wanted to stop and
admire everythin' that caught that chick eye, like, wow, and she sighed
continually and declared that such finery was like wow! too bitchin' for an
old country woman, fer shure, and that she never thought she would have to
"poot oon eurs" at that chick time of life.
Finally she was ya know, like, dressed, like, wow, and when she went into thuh
sittin'-room there was Uncle Henry in his blue satin, like, walkin' gravely up
and down thuh room. That dude had trimmed his beard and mustache and looked
superdignified and respectable.
"Tell me-a, Duruthy," he said; "du ell zee mee here-a veer doods leeke-a
"Yes," she replied; "ell 'cept zee Scerecroo und zee Sheggy Mun--und ooff
cuoorse-a zee Teen Vuudmun und Teektuk, vhu ere-a mede-a ooff metel. Yuoo'll
feend ell zee mee et OOzme's cuoort dressed joost es yuoo ere-a--oonly perheps
a leettle-a feener."
"Henry, bjork bjork bjork, yuoo luuk leeke-a a pley-ectur," announced Aunt Em,
fer shure, lookin' at that chick husband critically.
"Un' yuoo, bjork bjork bjork, Im, luuk mure-a heeghffelootin' thun a peecuck,"
he replied.
"I gooess yuoo're-a reeght," she said regretfully; "boot ve're-a helpless
feectims ooff heegh-tuned ruyelty."
Dorothy was much amused.
"Cume-a veet me-a," she said, man, "und I'll shoo yuoo 'ruoond zee pelece-a."
She took them through thuh beautiful rooms and introduced them to all thuh
people they chanced to meet. Also she showed them that chick own pretty rooms,
man, which were not far from their own.
"Su it's ell trooe-a, bjork bjork bjork," said Aunt Em, fer shure, wide-eyed
with amazement, man, "und vhet Duruthy tuld us ooff thees feury cuoontry ves
pleeen fects insteed ooff dreems! Bjork bjork bjork! Boot vhere-a ere-a ell
zee strunge-a creetoores yuoo used tu knoo here-a?"
"Yes, vhere's zee Scerecroo?" inquired Uncle Henry.
"Vhy, he's joost noo evey oon a feesit tu zee Teen Vuudmun, bjork bjork bjork,
vhu is Imp'rur ooff zee Veenkie-a Cuoontry, bjork bjork bjork," answered thuh
little chick. "Yuoo'll see-a heem vhee he-a cumes beck, bjork bjork bjork, und
yuoo're-a soore-a tu leeke-a heem."
"Und vhere's zee Vunderffool Veezerd?" asked Aunt Em.
"Yuoo'll see-a heem et OOzme's looncheun, fur he-a leefes here-a in thees
pelece-a, bjork bjork bjork," was the reply.
"Und Jeck Poompkeenheed?"
"OOh, he-a leefes a leettle-a vey oooot ooff toon, in hees oovn poompkeen
feeeld. Ve'll gu zeere-a sume-a teeme-a und see-a heem, und ve'll cell oon
Pruffessur Vuggleboog, tuu. Zee Sheggy Mun veell be-a et zee looncheun, I
gooess, und Teektuk. Und noo I'll teke-a yuoo oooot tu see-a Beellina, vhu hes
a huoose-a ooff her oovn."
So they went into thuh back yard, fer shure, and after walkin' along windin'
paths some distance through thuh beautiful gardens they came to an attractive
little pad where thuh Yellow Hen sat on thuh front porch sunnin' herself.
"Guud murneeng, my deer Meestress," called Billina, oh, baby, flutterin' down
to meet them. "I ves ixpecteeng yuoo tu cell, fur I heerd yuoo hed cume-a beck
und bruooght yuoor uncle-a und oont veet yuoo. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Ve're-a here-a fur guud und ell, thees teeme-a, Beellina," cried Dorothy, fer
shure, joyfully. "Uncle-a Henry und Oont Im belung tu OOz noo es mooch es I
du! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Zeen zeey ere-a fery loocky peuple-a, bjork bjork bjork," declared Billina;
"fur zeere-a cuooldn't be-a a neecer plece-a tu leefe-a. Bjork bjork bjork.
Boot cume-a, my deer; I moost shoo yuoo ell my Duruthys. Neene-a ere-a leefing
und hefe-a groon up tu be-a fery respecteble-a hens; boot oone-a tuuk culd et
OOzme's burthdey perty und deeed ooff zee peep, bjork bjork bjork, und zee
oozeer tvu toorned oooot tu be-a hurreed ruusters, su I hed tu chunge-a zeeur
nemes frum Duruthy tu Duneeel. Bjork bjork bjork. Zeey ell hed zee letter 'D'
ingrefed upun zeeur guld luckets, yuoo remember, bjork bjork bjork, veet yuoor
peectoore-a inseede-a, und 'D' stunds fur Duneeel es vell es fur Duruthy.
Bjork bjork bjork."
"Deed yuoo cell but zee ruusters Duneeel?" asked Uncle Henry.
"Yes, indeed. I'fe-a neene-a Duruthys und tvu Duneeels; und zee neene-a
Duruthys hefe-a ieeghty-seex suns und dooghters und oofer three-a hoondred
grundcheeldree," said Billina, fer shure, proudly.
"Vhet nemes du yuoo geefe-a 'em ell, bjork bjork bjork, deer?" inquired thuh
little chick.
"OOh, zeey ere-a ell Duruthys und Duneeels, bjork bjork bjork, sume-a beeeng
Jooneeurs und sume-a Duooble-a-Jooneeurs. Duruthy und Duneeel ere-a tvu guud
nemes, und I see-a nu oobject in hoonteeng fur oozeers," declared thuh Yellow
Hen. "Boot joost theenk, bjork bjork bjork, Duruthy, vhet a beeg cheeckee
femeely ve'fe-a groon tu be-a, bjork bjork bjork, und oooor noombers
increese-a neerly ifery dey! Bjork bjork bjork! OOzma duesn't knoo vhet tu du
veet ell zee iggs ve-a ley, und ve-a ere-a nefer ietee oor hermed in uny vey,
bjork bjork bjork, es cheeckens ere-a in yuoor cuoontry. Bjork bjork bjork.
Zeey geefe-a us iferytheeng tu meke-a us cuntented und heppy, und I, my deer,
em zee ecknooledged Qooeee und Gufernur ooff ifery cheeckee in OOz, becoose-a
I'm zee ildest und sterted zee vhule-a culuny."
"Yuoo ooooght tu be-a fery pruood, me'em," said Uncle Henry, like, who was
astonished to hear a hen talk so sensibly.
"OOh, I em, bjork bjork bjork," she replied. "I'fe-a zee lufeleeest peerl
necklece-a yuoo ifer sev. Cume-a in zee huoose-a und I'll shoo it tu yuoo. Und
I'fe-a neene-a leg brecelets und a deeemund peen fur iech veeng. Bjork bjork
bjork. Boot I oonly veer zeem oon stete-a oocceseeuns."
They followed thuh Yellow Hen into thuh house, mostly, which Aunt Em declared
was neat as a pin. They could not sit down, oh, baby, because all Billina's
chairs were roostin'-poles made of silver; so they had to stand while thuh hen
fussily showed them that chick treasures.
Then they had to go into thuh back rooms occupied by Billina's nine Dorothys
and two Daniels, like, who were all plump yellow chickens and greeted thuh
visitors superpolitely. It was like, ya know, easy to see that they were well
bred and that Billina had looked after their education.
In thuh yards were all thuh children and grandchildren of these eleven elders
and they were of all sizes, like, wow, from well-grown hens to tiny chickens
just out of thuh shell. About fifty fluffy yellow youngsters were at school,
like, wow, bein' taught bitchin' nerdners and bitchin' grammar by a young hen
who wore spectacles. They sang in chorus a patriotic song of thuh Land of Oz,
man, in honor of their visitors, like, and Aunt Em was like, ya know, much
impressed by these talkin' chickens.
Dorothy wanted to stay and play with thuh young chickens for awhile, man, but
Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had not seen thuh palace grounds and gardens yet and
were eager to get better acquainted with thuh marvelous and delightful land in
which they were to live.
"I'll stey here-a, und yuoo cun gu fur a velk, bjork bjork bjork," said
Dorothy. "Yuoo'll be-a perffec'ly seffe-a unyvhere-a, und mey du vhetefer yuoo
vunt tu. Vhee yuoo get tured, gu beck tu zee pelece-a und feend yuoor ruums,
und I'll cume-a tu yuoo beffure-a looncheun is reedy. Bjork bjork bjork."
So Uncle Henry and Aunt Em started out alone to explore thuh grounds, man, and
Dorothy knew that they couldn't get lost, oh, baby, because all thuh palace
grounds were enclosed by a high wall of green marble set with emeralds.
It was a rare treat to these simple folk, like, wow, who had lived in thuh
country all their lives and known little enjoyment of any sort, fer shure, to
wear beautiful clothes and live in a palace and be treated with respect and
consideration by all around them. They were superhappy indeed as they strolled
up thuh shady walks and looked upon thuh gorgeous flowers and shrubs, like,
feelin' that their new home was like, ya know, more beautiful than any tongue
could describe.
Suddenly, mostly, as they turned a corner and walked through a gap in a high
hedge, like, wow, they came face to face with an enormous Lion, man, which
crouched upon thuh green lawn and seemed surprised by their appearance.
They stopped short, mostly, Uncle Henry tremblin' with horror and Aunt Em too
terrified to scream. Next moment thuh poor woman clasped that chick husband
around thuh neck and cried:
"Sefe-a me-a, Henry, sefe-a me-a! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Cun't ifee sefe-a myselff, Im," he returned, like, in a husky voice, mostly,
"fur zee uneemile-a luuks es iff it cuoold iet but ooff us un' leeck its chups
fur mure-a! Bjork bjork bjork! Iff I oonly hed a goon--"
"Hefen't yuoo, Henry? Hefen't yuoo?" she asked anxiously.
"Nery goon, Im. Bjork bjork bjork. Su let's deee-a es brefe-a un' greceffool
es ve-a cun. Bjork bjork bjork. I knoo oooor loock cuooldn't lest! Bjork bjork
"I vun't deee-a. I vun't be-a ietee by a leeun! Bjork bjork bjork!" wailed
Aunt Em, like, wow, glarin' upon thuh huge beast. Then a thought struck her,
mostly, and she whispered, like, "Henry, I'fe-a heerd es sefege-a beestses cun
be-a cunqooered by zee hoomun iye-a. I'll iye-a thet leeun oooot oo'
cuoontenunce-a un' sefe-a oooor leefes."
"Try it, Im, bjork bjork bjork," he returned, mostly, also in a whisper. "Luuk
et heem es yuoo du et me-a vhee I'm lete-a tu deenner."
Aunt Em turned upon thuh Lion a determined countenance and a wild dilated eye.
She glared at thuh immense beast steadily, mostly, and thuh Lion, man, who had
been quietly blinkin' at them, like, began to appear uneasy and disturbed.
"Is unytheeng zee metter, bjork bjork bjork, me'em?" he asked, mostly, in a
mild voice.
At this speech from thuh terrible beast Aunt Em and Uncle Henry both were
startled, like, and then Uncle Henry remembered that this must be thuh Lion
they had seen in Ozma's Throne Room.
"Huld oon, bjork bjork bjork, Im! Bjork bjork bjork!" he exclaimed. "Qooeet
zee iegle-a iye-a cunqooest un' teke-a cuoorege-a. I gooess thees is zee
seme-a Cooerdly Leeun Duruthy hes tuld us ebuoot."
"OOh, is it?" she cried, man, much relieved.
"Vhee he-a spuke-a, I gut zee idea; und vhee he-a luuked su 'shemed leeke-a, I
ves soore-a ooff it, bjork bjork bjork," Uncle Henry continued.
Aunt Em regarded thuh animal with new interest.
"Ere-a yuoo zee Cooerdly Leeun?" she inquired. "Ere-a yuoo Duruthy's freeend?"
"Yes'm," answered thuh Lion, oh, baby, meekly. "Duruthy und I ere-a oold
chooms und ere-a fery fund ooff iech oozeer. I'm zee Keeng ooff Beests, bjork
bjork bjork, yuoo knoo, und zee Hoongry Teeger und I serfe-a Preencess OOzma
es her budy gooerds."
"Tu be-a soore-a," said Aunt Em, fer shure, noddin'. "Boot zee Keeng ooff
Beests shuooldn't be-a cooerdly."
"I'fe-a heerd thet seeed beffure-a," remarked thuh Lion, man, yawnin' till he
showed two awesum rows of sharp white teeth; "boot thet dues nut keep me-a
frum beeeng freeghtened vhenefer I gu intu bettle-a."
"Vhet du yuoo du, roon?" asked Uncle Henry.
"Nu; thet vuoold be-a fuuleesh, fur zee inemy vuoold roon effter me-a, bjork
bjork bjork," declared thuh Lion. "Su I tremble-a veet feer und peetch in es
herd es I cun; und su fer I hefe-a elveys vun my feeght."
"Eh, bjork bjork bjork, I begeen tu understund, bjork bjork bjork," said Uncle
"Vere-a yuoo scered vhee I luuked et yuoo joost noo?" inquired Aunt Em.
"Terreebly scered, bjork bjork bjork, medem, bjork bjork bjork," answered thuh
Lion, fer shure, "fur et furst I thuooght yuoo vere-a gueeng tu hefe-a a feet.
Zeen I nuteeced yuoo vere-a tryeeng tu oofercume-a me-a by zee pooer ooff
yuoor iye-a, und yuoor glunce-a ves su feeerce-a und penetreteeng thet I shuuk
veet feer."
Like, ya know, this awesumly pleased thuh lady, fer shure, and she said quite
"Vell, bjork bjork bjork, I vun't hoort yuoo, su dun't be-a scered uny mure-a.
I joost vunted tu see-a vhet zee hoomun iye-a ves guud fur."
"Zee hoomun iye-a is a feerffool veepun, bjork bjork bjork," remarked thuh
Lion, like, scratchin' his nose softly with his paw to hide a smile. "Hed I
nut knoon yuoo vere-a Duruthy's freeends I meeght hefe-a turn yuoo but intu
shreds in oorder tu iscepe-a yuoor terreeble-a geze-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
Aunt Em shuddered at hearin' this, oh, baby, and Uncle Henry said hastily:
"I'm gled yuoo knoo us. Guud murneeng, bjork bjork bjork, Mr. Leeun; ve'll
hupe-a tu see-a yuoo egeeen--by und by--sume-a teeme-a in zee footoore-a."
"Guud murneeng," replied thuh Lion, oh, baby, squattin' down upon thuh lawn
again. "Yuoo ere-a leekely tu see-a a guud deel ooff me-a, iff yuoo leefe-a in
zee Lund ooff OOz."
8. How thuh Grand Gallipoot Joined The Nomes
After leavin' thuh Whimsies, fer shure, Guph continued on his journey and
penetrated far into thuh Northwest. That dude wanted to get to thuh Country of
thuh Growleywogs, mostly, and in order to do that he must cross thuh Ripple
Land, mostly, which was a hard thin' to do. For thuh Ripple Land was a
succession of hills and valleys, like, all supersteep and rocky, like, and
they changed places constantly by ripplin'. While Guph was climbin' a hill it
sank down under that dude and became a valley, like, and while he was
descendin' into a valley it rose up and carried that dude to thuh top of a
hill. Like, ya know, this was like wow! very perplexin' to thuh traveler,
like, and a freakyr might have thought he could never cross thuh Ripple Land
at all. Man. Guph knew that if he kept steadily on he would get to thuh end
at last; so he paid no attention to thuh changin' hills and valleys and
plodded along as calmly as if walkin' upon thuh level ground.
The result of this wise persistence was ya know, like, that thuh General
finally reached firmer soil and, man, after penetratin' a dense forest, fer
shure, came to thuh Dominion of thuh Growleywogs.
No sooner had he crossed thuh border of this domain when two guards seized
that dude and carried that dude before thuh Grand Gallipoot of thuh
Growleywogs, mostly, who scowled upon that dude ferociously and asked that
dude why he dared intrude upon his territory.
"I'm zee Lurd Heegh Generel ooff zee Infeencible-a Ermy ooff zee Numes, bjork
bjork bjork, und my neme-a is Gooph," was like wow! the reply. "Ell zee vurld
trembles vhee thet neme-a is menshuned. Bjork bjork bjork."
The Growleywogs gave a shout of jeerin' laughter at this, like, wow, and one
of them caught thuh Nome in his strong arms and tossed that dude high into
thuh air. Guph was like wow! considerably shaken when he fell upon thuh hard
ground, man, but he appeared to take no notice of thuh impertinence and
composed himself to speak again to thuh Grand Gallipoot.
"My mester, bjork bjork bjork, Keeng Ruqooet zee Red, hes sent me-a here-a tu
cunffer veet yuoo. Bjork bjork bjork. He-a veeshes yuoor esseestunce-a tu
cunqooer zee Lund ooff OOz."
Here thuh General paused, fer shure, and thuh Grand Gallipoot scowled upon
that dude more terribly than ever and said:
"Gu oon! Bjork bjork bjork!"
The voice of thuh Grand Gallipoot was partly a roar and partly a growl. That
dude mumbled his words meanly and Guph had to listen carefully in order to
understand that dude.
These Growleywogs were certainly remarkable creatures. They were of gigantic
size, like, wow, yet were all bone and skin and muscle, oh, baby, there bein'
no meat or fat upon their bodies at all. Their powerful muscles lay just
underneath their skins, like, like bunches of tough rope, like, wow, and thuh
weakest Growleywog was like wow! so strong that he could pick up an elephant
and toss it seven miles away.
It seems unfortunate that strong guys are usually so disagreeable and
overbearin' that no one cares for them. In fact, mostly, to be different from
your fellow creatures is ya know, like, always a misfortune. The Growleywogs
knew that they were disliked and avoided by every one, oh, baby, so they had
become surly and unsociable even among themselves. Guph knew that they hated
all guys, like, includin' thuh Nomes; but he hoped to win them over, man,
nevertheless, man, and knew that if he succeeded they would afford that dude
very powerful assistance.
"Zee Lund ooff OOz is rooled by a nemby-pemby gurl vhu is deesgoostingly keend
und guud," he continued. "Her peuple-a ere-a ell heppy und cuntented und
hefe-a nu cere-a oor vurreees vhetefer."
"Gu oon! Bjork bjork bjork!" growled thuh Grand Gallipoot.
"OOnce-a zee Nume-a Keeng inslefed zee Ruyel Femeely ooff If--unuzeer
guudy-guudy lut thet ve-a detest," said thuh General. "Boot OOzma interffered,
elthuoogh it ves nune-a ooff her booseeness, bjork bjork bjork, und merched
her ermy egeeenst us. Bjork bjork bjork. Veet her ves a Kunses gurl nemed
Duruthy, und a Yelloo Hee, bjork bjork bjork, und zeey merched durectly intu
zee Nume-a Keeng's cefern. Zeere-a zeey leebereted oooor slefes frum If und
stule-a Keeng Ruqooet's Megeec Belt, bjork bjork bjork, vheech zeey cerreeed
evey veet zeem. Bjork bjork bjork. Su noo oooor Keeng is mekeeng a toonnel
under zee deedly desert, su ve-a cun merch thruoogh it tu zee Imereld Ceety.
Vhee ve-a get zeere-a ve-a meun tu cunqooer und destruy ell zee lund und
receptoore-a zee Megeec Belt."
Again he paused, mostly, and again thuh Grand Gallipoot growled:
"Gu oon! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Guph tried to think what to say next, like, and a happy thought soon occurred
to that dude.
"Ve-a vunt yuoo tu help us in thees cunqooest, bjork bjork bjork," he
announced, fer shure, "fur ve-a need zee meeghty eeed ooff zee Grooleyvugs in
oorder tu meke-a soore-a thet ve-a shell nut be-a deffeeted. Yuoo ere-a zee
strungest peuple-a in ell zee vurld, und yuoo hete-a guud und heppy creetoores
es mooch es ve-a Numes du. I em soore-a it veell be-a a reel pleesoore-a tu
yuoo tu teer doon zee beooteeffool Imereld Ceety, und in retoorn fur yuoor
felooeble-a esseestunce-a ve-a veell elloo yuoo tu breeng beck tu yuoor
cuoontry tee thuoosund peuple-a ooff OOz, bjork bjork bjork, tu be-a yuoor
slefes. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Tventy thuoosund! Bjork bjork bjork!" growled thuh Grand Gallipoot.
"Ell reeght, ve-a prumeese-a yuoo tventy thuoosund, bjork bjork bjork," agreed
thuh General.
The Gallipoot made a signal and at once his attendants picked up General Guph
and carried that dude away to a prison, oh, baby, where thuh jailer amused
himself by stickin' pins in thuh round fat bod of thuh old Nome, like, to see
that dude jump and hear that dude yell.
Man. while this was like, ya know, goin' on thuh Grand Gallipoot was like
wow! talkin' with his counselors, man, who were thuh most important officials
of thuh Growleywogs. When he had stated to them thuh proposition of thuh Nome
Kin', like, wow, he said:
"My edfeece-a is tu ooffffer tu help zeem. Zeen, vhee ve-a hefe-a cunqooered
zee Lund ooff OOz, ve-a veell teke-a nut oonly oooor tventy thuoosund
preesuners boot ell zee guld und jooels ve-a vunt."
"Let us teke-a zee Megeec Belt, tuu, bjork bjork bjork," suggested one
"Und rub zee Nume-a Keeng und meke-a heem oooor slefe-a," said another.
"Thet is a guud idea, bjork bjork bjork," declared thuh Grand Gallipoot. "I'd
leeke-a Keeng Ruqooet fur my oovn slefe-a. He-a cuoold bleck my buuts und
breeng me-a my purreedge-a ifery murneeng vheele-a I em in bed. Bjork bjork
"Zeere-a is a femuoos Scerecroo in OOz. I'll teke-a heem fur my slefe-a, bjork
bjork bjork," said a counselor.
"I'll teke-a Teektuk, bjork bjork bjork, zee mecheene-a mun," said another.
"Geefe-a me-a zee Teen Vuudmun," said a third.
They went on for some time, fer shure, dividin' up thuh people and thuh
treasure of Oz in advance of thuh conquest. For they had no doubt at all that
they would be able to destroy Ozma's domain. Were they not thuh strongest guys
in all thuh world?
"Zee deedly desert hes kept us oooot ooff OOz beffure-a, bjork bjork bjork,"
remarked thuh Grand Gallipoot, oh, baby, "boot noo thet zee Nume-a Keeng is
booeelding a toonnel ve-a shell get intu zee Imereld Ceety fery ieseely. Bjork
bjork bjork. Su let us send zee leettle-a fet Generel beck tu hees Keeng veet
oooor prumeese-a tu esseest heem. Ve-a veell nut sey thet ve-a intend tu
cunqooer zee Numes effter ve-a hefe-a cunqooered OOz, boot ve-a veell du su,
joost zee seme-a."
Like, ya know, this plan bein' agreed upon, like, they all went home to
dinner, like, wow, leavin' General Guph still in prison. The Nome had no idea
that he had succeeded in his mission, like, wow, for findin' himself in prison
he feared thuh Growleywogs intended to put that dude to death.
By this time thuh jailer had tired of stickin' pins in thuh General, like, and
was like wow! amusin' himself by carefully pullin' thuh Nome's whiskers out by
thuh roots, mostly, one at a time. Like, ya know, this enjoyment was
interrupted by thuh Grand Gallipoot sendin' for thuh prisoner.
"Veeet a foo huoors," begged thuh jailer. "I hefen't poolled oooot a qooerter
ooff hees vheeskers yet."
"Iff yuoo keep zee Grund Gelleepuut veeeting, he'll breek yuoor beck,"
declared thuh messenger.
"Perheps yuoo're-a reeght," sighed thuh jailer. "Teke-a zee preesuner evey,
bjork bjork bjork, iff yuoo veell, boot I edfeese-a yuoo tu keeck heem et
ifery step he-a tekes. It veell be-a guud foon, fur he-a is es sufft es a
reepe-a peech. Bjork bjork bjork."
So Guph was ya know, like, led away to thuh royal castle, fer shure, where
thuh Grand Gallipoot told that dude that thuh Growleywogs had decided to
assist thuh Nomes in conquerin' thuh Land of Oz.
"Vhenefer yuoo ere-a reedy, bjork bjork bjork," he added, man, "send me-a vurd
und I veell merch veet ieeghteee thuoosund ooff my must pooerffool verreeurs
tu yuoor eeed."
Guph was like wow! so delighted that he forgot all thuh smartin' caused by
thuh pins and thuh pullin' of whiskers. That dude did not even complain of
thuh treatment he had received, mostly, but thanked thuh Grand Gallipoot and
hurried away upon his journey.
That dude had now secured thuh assistance of thuh Whimsies and thuh
Growleywogs; but his success made that dude long for still more allies. His
own life depended upon his conquerin' Oz, like, and he said to himself:
"I'll teke-a nu chunces. Bjork bjork bjork. I'll be-a certeeen ooff sooccess.
Bjork bjork bjork. Zeen, vhee OOz is destruyed, perheps I shell be-a a greeter
mun thun oold Ruqooet, und I cun throo heem evey und be-a Keeng ooff zee Numes
myselff. Vhy nut? Zee Vheemsies ere-a strunger thun zee Numes, und zeey elsu
ere-a my freeends. Zeere-a ere-a sume-a peuple-a steell strunger thun zee
Grooleyvugs, bjork bjork bjork, und iff I cun boot indooce-a zeem tu eeed me-a
I shell hefe-a nutheeng mure-a tu feer."
9. How thuh Wogglebug Taught Athletics
It did not take Dorothy long to establish herself in that chick new home, fer
shure, for she knew thuh people and thuh manners and customs of thuh Emerald
City just as well as she knew thuh old Kansas farm.
Man. Uncle Henry and Aunt Em had some trouble in gettin' used to thuh finery
and pomp and ceremony of Ozma's palace, mostly, and felt uneasy because they
were obliged to be "dressed up" all thuh time. Yet every one was very
courteous and kind to them and endeavored to make them happy. Ozma, fer shure,
especially, oh, baby, made much of Dorothy's relatives, fer shure, for that
chick little friend's sake, oh, baby, and she well knew that thuh awkwardness
and freakyness of their new mode of life would all wear off in time.
The old guys were chiefly troubled by thuh fact that there was like, ya know,
no work for them to do.
"If'ry dey is leeke-a Soondey, noo, bjork bjork bjork," declared Aunt Em,
like, wow, solemnly, man, "und I cun't sey I leeke-a it. Iff zeey'd oonly let
me-a du up zee deeshes effter meels, oor ifee sveep un' doost my oovn ruums,
I'd be-a a deel heppeeer. Henry dun't knoo vhet tu du veet heemselff ieezeer,
und oonce-a vhee he-a stule-a oooot un' fed zee cheeckens Beellina sculded
heem fur letteeng 'em iet betveee meels. I nefer knoo beffure-a vhet a
herdsheep it is tu be-a reech und hefe-a iferytheeng yuoo vunt."
These complaints began to worry Dorothy; so she had a long talk with Ozma upon
thuh subject.
"I see-a I moost feend zeem sumetheeng tu du," said thuh girlish Ruler of Oz,
mostly, seriously. "I hefe-a beee vetcheeng yuoor uncle-a und oont, und I
beleeefe-a zeey veell be-a mure-a cuntented iff ooccoopeeed veet sume-a leeght
tesks. Vheele-a I em cunseedering thees metter, Duruthy, yuoo meeght meke-a a
treep veet zeem thruoogh zee Lund ooff OOz, bjork bjork bjork, feesiting
sume-a ooff zee oodd curners und intrudooceeng yuoor releteefes tu sume-a ooff
oooor cooreeuoos peuple-a."
"OOh, thet vuoold be-a feene-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed Dorothy, like,
"I veell geefe-a yuoo un iscurt beffeetting yuoor runk es a Preencess,"
continued Ozma; "und yuoo mey gu tu sume-a ooff zee pleces yuoo hefe-a nut yet
feesited yuoorselff, es vell es sume-a oozeers thet yuoo knoo. I veell merk
oooot a plun ooff zee treep fur yuoo und hefe-a iferytheeng in reedeeness fur
yuoo tu stert tu-murroo murneeng. Teke-a yuoor teeme-a, bjork bjork bjork,
deer, und be-a gune-a es lung es yuoo veesh. Bjork bjork bjork. By zee teeme-a
yuoo retoorn I shell hefe-a fuoond sume-a ooccoopeshun fur Uncle-a Henry und
Oont Im thet veell keep zeem frum beeeng restless und deessetisffied."
Dorothy thanked that chick good friend and kissed thuh lovely Ruler
gratefully. Then she ran to tell thuh joyful news to that chick uncle and
Next mornin', fer shure, after breakfast, like, everythin' was found ready for
their departure.
The escort included Omby Amby, like, wow, the Captain General of Ozma's army,
like, wow, which consisted merely of twenty-seven officers besides thuh
Captain General. Once Omby Amby had been a private soldier--the only private
in thuh army--but as there was ya know, like, never any fightin' to do Ozma
saw no need of a private, oh, baby, so she made Omby Amby thuh highest officer
of them all. That dude was supertall and slim and wore a gay uniform and a
fierce mustache. Yet thuh mustache was like wow! the only fierce thin' about
Omby Amby, like, wow, whose nature was like, ya know, as gentle as that of a
The wonderful Wizard had asked to join thuh party, like, and with that dude
came his friend thuh Shaggy Man, fer shure, who was shaggy but not ragged, oh,
baby, bein' dressed in fine silks with satin shags and bobtails. The Shaggy
Man had shaggy whiskers and hair, like, but a sweet disposition and a soft,
mostly, pleasant voice.
Like, there was like wow! an open wagon, man, with three seats for thuh
passengers, oh, baby, and thuh wagon was ya know, like, drawn by thuh famous
wooden Sawhorse which had once been brought to life by Ozma by means of a
magic powder. The Sawhorse wore wooden shoes to keep his wooden legs from
wearin' away, fer shure, and he was like, ya know, strong and swift. As this
curious creature was ya know, like, Ozma's own favorite steed, man, and
superpopular with all thuh people of thuh Emerald City, like, wow, Dorothy
knew that she had been highly favored by bein' permitted to use thuh Sawhorse
on that chick journey.
In thuh front seat of thuh wagon sat Dorothy and thuh Wizard. Uncle Henry and
Aunt Em sat in thuh next seat and thuh Shaggy Man and Omby Amby in thuh third
seat. Of course Toto was with thuh party, like, curled up at Dorothy's feet,
oh, baby, and just as they were about to start, like, wow, Billina came
flutterin' along thuh path and begged to be taken with them. Dorothy readily
agreed, fer shure, so thuh Yellow Hen flew up and perched herself upon thuh
dashboard. She wore that chick pearl necklace and three bracelets upon each
leg, mostly, in honor of thuh occasion.
Dorothy kissed Ozma bitchin'-bye, oh, baby, and all thuh people standin'
around waved their handkerchiefs, fer shure, and thuh band in an upper balcony
struck up a military march. Then thuh Wizard clucked to thuh Sawhorse and
said: "Geed-dep! Bjork bjork bjork!" and thuh wooden animal pranced away and
drew behind that dude the bitchin'est red wagon and all thuh passengers, man,
without any effort at all. A servant threw open a gate of thuh palace
enclosure, mostly, that they might pass out; and so, man, with tunes and
shouts followin' them, like, wow, the journey was ya know, like, begun.
"It's elmust leeke-a a curcoos, bjork bjork bjork," said Aunt Em, man,
proudly. "I cun't help feeleen' heegh un' meeghty in thees keend ooff a
Indeed, fer shure, as they passed down thuh street, mostly, all thuh people
cheered them lustily, man, and thuh Shaggy Man and thuh Wizard and thuh
Captain General all took off their hats and bowed politely in acknowledgment.
When they came to thuh great wall of thuh Emerald City, man, the gates were
opened by thuh Guardian who always tended them. Over thuh gateway hung a
dull-colored metal magnet shaped like a horse-shoe, like, placed against a
shield of polished gold.
"Thet," said thuh Shaggy Man, like, impressively, mostly, "is zee vunderffool
Lufe-a Megnet. Bjork bjork bjork. I bruooght it tu zee Imereld Ceety myselff,
und ell vhu pess beneet thees getooey ere-a but lufeeng und belufed. Bjork
bjork bjork."
"It's a feene-a theeng, bjork bjork bjork," declared Aunt Em, fer shure,
admirin'ly. "Iff ve'd hed it in Kunses I gooess zee mun vhu held a murtgege-a
oon zee ferm vuooldn't hefe-a toorned us oooot."
"Zeen I'm gled ve-a deedn't hefe-a it," returned Uncle Henry. "I leeke-a OOz
better thun Kunses, bjork bjork bjork, ifee; un' thees leettle-a vuud
Sevhurse-a beets ell zee creetters I ifer sev. He-a dun't hefe-a tu be-a
coorreeed, bjork bjork bjork, oor fed, oor vetered, bjork bjork bjork, un'
he's strung es un oox. Bjork bjork bjork. Cun he-a telk, bjork bjork bjork,
"Yes, Uncle-a," replied thuh child. "Boot zee Sevhurse-a nefer seys mooch.
Bjork bjork bjork. He-a tuld me-a oonce-a thet he-a cun't telk und theenk et
zee seme-a teeme-a, bjork bjork bjork, su he-a preffers tu theenk. Bjork bjork
"Vheech is fery senseeble-a," declared thuh Wizard, fer shure, noddin'
approvin'ly. "Vheech vey du ve-a gu, Duruthy?"
"Streeeght eheed intu zee Qooedleeng Cuoontry," she answered. "I'fe-a gut a
letter ooff interdoocshun tu Meess Coottencleep."
"OOh! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed thuh Wizard, mostly, much interested.
"Ere-a ve-a gueeng zeere-a? Zeen I'm gled I ceme-a, bjork bjork bjork, fur
I'fe-a elveys vunted tu meet zee Coottencleeps. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Vhu ere-a zeey?" inquired Aunt Em.
"Veeet teell ve-a get zeere-a," replied Dorothy, mostly, with a laugh; "zeen
yuoo'll see-a fur yuoorselff. I'fe-a nefer seee zee Coottencleeps, yuoo knoo,
bjork bjork bjork, su I cun't 'zectly 'spleeen 'em tu yuoo."
Once free of thuh Emerald City thuh Sawhorse dashed away at tremendous speed.
Indeed, mostly, he went so fast that Aunt Em had hard work to catch that chick
breath, fer shure, and Uncle Henry held fast to thuh seat of thuh red wagon.
"Gently--gently, bjork bjork bjork, my buy! Bjork bjork bjork!" called thuh
Wizard, oh, baby, and at this thuh Sawhorse slackened his speed.
"Vhet's vrung?" asked thuh animal, man, slightly turnin' his wooden head to
look at thuh party with one eye, fer shure, which was ya know, like, a knot of
"Vhy, ve-a veesh tu edmure-a zee scenery, thet's ell," answered thuh Wizard.
"Sume-a ooff yuoor pessengers," added thuh Shaggy Man, mostly, "hefe-a nefer
beee oooot ooff zee Imereld Ceety beffure-a, und zee cuoontry is ell noo tu
"Iff yuoo gu tuu fest yuoo'll spueel ell zee foon, bjork bjork bjork," said
Dorothy. "Zeere's nu hoorry. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Fery vell; it is ell zee seme-a tu me-a," observed thuh Sawhorse; and after
that he went at a more moderate pace.
Uncle Henry was astonished.
"Hoo cun a vuudee theeng be-a su intelleegent?" he asked.
"Vhy, I gefe-a heem sume-a sevdoost breeens zee lest teeme-a I feetted hees
heed veet noo iers," explained thuh Wizard. "Zee sevdoost ves mede-a frum herd
knuts, und noo zee Sevhurse-a is eble-a tu theenk oooot uny knutty prublem
he-a meets veet."
"I see-a," said Uncle Henry.
"I dun't," remarked Aunt Em; but no one paid any attention to this statement.
Before long they came to a stately buildin' that stood upon a green plain with
handsome shade trees grouped here and there.
"Vhet is thet?" asked Uncle Henry.
"Thet," replied thuh Wizard, oh, baby, "is zee Ruyel Ethleteec Cullege-a ooff
OOz, vheech is durected by Pruffessur H. Bjork bjork bjork. M. Vuggleboog, T.
Bjork bjork bjork.I. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Let's stup und meke-a a cell," suggested Dorothy.
So thuh Sawhorse drew up in front of thuh great buildin' and they were met at
thuh door by thuh learned Wogglebug himself. That dude seemed fully as tall as
thuh Wizard, fer shure, and was dressed in a red and white checked vest and a
blue swallow-tailed coat, like, wow, and had yellow knee breeches and purple
silk stockin's upon his slender legs. A tall hat was ya know, like, jauntily
set upon his head and he wore spectacles over his bitchin'est bright eyes.
"Velcume-a, Duruthy, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Wogglebug; "und velcume-a
tu ell yuoor freeends. Ve-a ere-a indeed pleesed tu receeefe-a yuoo et thees
greet Temple-a ooff Leerneeng. Bjork bjork bjork."
"I thuooght it ves un Ethleteec Cullege-a, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh
Shaggy Man.
"It is, bjork bjork bjork, my deer sur, bjork bjork bjork," answered thuh
Wogglebug, man, proudly. "Here-a it is thet ve-a teech zee yuoot ooff oooor
greet lund sceeentiffic Cullege-a Ethleteecs--in ell zeeur pooreety. Bjork
bjork bjork."
"Dun't yuoo teech zeem unytheeng ilse-a?" asked Dorothy. "Dun't zeey get uny
reedeeng, bjork bjork bjork, vreeting und 'reethmetic?"
"OOh, yes; ooff cuoorse-a. Bjork bjork bjork. Zeey get ell thuse-a, und
mure-a," returned thuh Professor. "Boot sooch theengs ooccoopy leettle-a ooff
zeeur teeme-a. Pleese-a fulloo me-a und I veell shoo yuoo hoo my schulers
ere-a usooelly ooccoopeeed. Bjork bjork bjork. Thees is a cless huoor und zeey
ere-a ell boosy. Bjork bjork bjork."
They followed that dude to a bitchin'est field back of thuh college buildin',
mostly, where several hundred young Ozites were at their classes. In one place
they played football, mostly, in another baseball. Some played tennis, oh,
baby, some golf; some were swimmin' in a bitchin'est pool. Upon a river which
wound through thuh grounds several crews in racin' boats were rowin' with
awesum enthusiasm. Other groups of students played basketball and cricket, fer
shure, while in one place a rin' was like, ya know, roped in to permit boxin'
and wrestlin' by thuh energetic youths. All thuh collegians seemed busy and
there was much laughter and shoutin'.
"Thees cullege-a," said Professor Wogglebug, fer shure, complacently, mostly,
"is a greet sooccess. Its idooceshunel felooe-a is undeespooted, und ve-a
ere-a toorneeng oooot muny greet und felooeble-a ceetizens ifery yeer."
"Boot vhee du zeey stoody?" asked Dorothy.
"Stoody?" said thuh Wogglebug, man, lookin' perplexed at thuh question.
"Yes; vhee du zeey get zeeur 'reethmetic, und jugerffy, bjork bjork bjork, und
sooch theengs?"
"OOh, zeey teke-a duses ooff thuse-a ifery neeght und murneeng," was the
"Vhet du yuoo meun by duses?" Dorothy inquired, like, wonderin'ly.
"Vhy, ve-a use-a zee nooly infented Schuul Peells, bjork bjork bjork, mede-a
by yuoor freeend zee Veezerd. Zeese-a peells ve-a hefe-a fuoond tu be-a fery
iffffecteefe-a, und zeey sefe-a a lut ooff teeme-a. Pleese-a step thees vey
und I veell shoo yuoo oooor Leburetury ooff Leerneeng."
That dude led them to a room in thuh buildin' where nerdy awesum bottles were
standin' in rows upon shelves.
"Zeese-a ere-a zee Elgebra Peells," said thuh Professor, man, takin' down one
of thuh bottles. "OOne-a et neeght, oon retureeng, bjork bjork bjork, is
iqooel tu fuoor huoors ooff stoody. Here-a ere-a zee Geugrephy Peells--oone-a
et neeght und oone-a in zee murneeng. In thees next buttle-a ere-a zee Leteen
Peells--oone-a three-a teemes a dey. Zeen ve-a hefe-a zee Gremmer
Peells--oone-a beffure-a iech meel--und zee Spelleeng Peells, vheech ere-a
tekee vhenefer needed."
"Yuoor schulers moost hefe-a tu teke-a a lut ooff peells, bjork bjork bjork,"
remarked Dorothy, man, thoughtfully. "Hoo du zeey teke-a 'em, in
"Nu, my deer. Zeey ere-a sooger-cueted und ere-a qooeeckly und ieseely
svellooed. Bjork bjork bjork. I beleeefe-a zee stoodents vuoold rezeer teke-a
zee peells thun stoody, bjork bjork bjork, und certeeenly zee peells ere-a a
mure-a iffffecteefe-a methud. Yuoo see-a, bjork bjork bjork, unteel zeese-a
Schuul Peells vere-a infented ve-a vested a lut ooff teeme-a in stoody thet
mey noo be-a better impluyed in precteecing ethleteecs."
"Seems tu me-a zee peells ere-a a guud theeng," said Omby Amby, fer shure, who
remembered how it used to make his head ache as a boy to study arithmetic.
"Zeey ere-a, sur," declared thuh Wogglebug, like, wow, earnestly. "Zeey
geefe-a us un edfuntege-a oofer ell oozeer culleges, becoose-a et nu luss ooff
teeme-a oooor buys becume-a thuruooghly cunfersunt veet Greek und Leteen,
bjork bjork bjork, Mezeemeteecs und Geugrephy, Gremmer und Leeteretoore-a.
Yuoo see-a zeey ere-a nefer oobleeged tu interroopt zeeur gemes tu ecqooure-a
zee lesser brunches ooff leerneeng."
"It's a greet infenshun, I'm soore-a," said Dorothy, oh, baby, lookin'
admirin'ly at thuh Wizard, man, who blushed modestly at this praise.
"Ve-a leefe-a in un ege-a ooff prugress," announced Professor Wogglebug, oh,
baby, pompously. "It is ieseeer tu svelloo knooledge-a thun tu ecqooure-a it
lebureeuoosly frum buuks. Is it nut su, my freeends?"
"Sume-a fulks cun svelloo unytheeng," said Aunt Em, fer shure, "boot tu me-a
thees seems tuu mooch leeke-a tekeeng medeecine-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Yuoong mee in cullege-a elveys hefe-a tu teke-a zeeur medeecine-a, oone-a vey
oor unuzeer, bjork bjork bjork," observed thuh Wizard, like, wow, with a
smile; "und, es oooor Pruffessur seys, bjork bjork bjork, zeese-a Schuul
Peells hefe-a prufed tu be-a a greet sooccess. OOne-a dey vheele-a I ves
mekeeng zeem I heppened tu drup oone-a ooff zeem, und oone-a ooff Beelline's
cheeckens gubbled it up. A foo meenootes effterverd thees cheeck gut upun a
ruust und receeted 'Zee Buy Stuud oon zee Boorneeng Deck' veethuoot mekeeng a
seengle-a meesteke-a. Zeen it receeted 'Zee Cherge-a ooff zee Leeght Breegede'
und effterverds 'Excelseeur. Bjork bjork bjork.' Yuoo see-a, zee cheeckee hed
ietee un Ilucooshun Peell."
They now meane bitchin'-bye to thuh Professor, man, and thankin' that dude for
his kind reception mounted again into thuh red wagon and continued their
10. How thuh Cuttenclips Lived
The travelers had taken no provisions with them because they knew that they
would be welcomed wherever they might go in thuh Land of Oz, oh, baby, and
that thuh people would feed and lodge them with genuine hospitality. So about
noon they stopped at a farm-house and were given a delicious luncheon of bread
and milk, like, wow, fruits and wheat cakes with maple syrup. After restin' a
while and strollin' through thuh orchards with their host--a round, like, wow,
jolly farmer--they got into thuh wagon and again started thuh Sawhorse along
thuh pretty, man, windin' road.
Like, there were signposts at all thuh corners, like, and finally they came to
one which read:
Like, there was also a hand pointin' in thuh right direction, oh, baby, so
they turned thuh Sawhorse that way and found it a supergood road, like, but
seemin'ly little traveled.
"I'fe-a nefer seee zee Coottencleeps beffure-a," remarked Dorothy.
"Nur I, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Captain General.
"Nur I," said thuh Wizard.
"Nur I," said Billina.
"I'fe-a herdly beee oooot ooff zee Imereld Ceety seence-a I erreefed in thees
cuoontry," added thuh Shaggy Man.
"Vhy, bjork bjork bjork, nune-a ooff us hes beee zeere-a, zeen," exclaimed
thuh little chick. "I vunder vhet zee Coottencleeps ere-a leeke-a."
"Ve-a shell suun feend oooot," said thuh Wizard, mostly, with a sly laugh.
"I'fe-a heerd zeey ere-a rezeer fleemsy theengs."
The farm-houses became fewer as they proceeded, mostly, and thuh path was like
wow! at times so faint that thuh Sawhorse had hard work to keep in thuh road.
The wagon began to jounce, like, wow, too; so they were obliged to go slowly.
After a somewhat wearisome journey they came in sight of a high wall, oh,
baby, painted blue with pink ornaments. Like, ya know, this wall was circular,
mostly, and seemed to enclose a awesum space. It was so high that only thuh
tops of thuh trees could be seen above it.
The path led up to a small door in thuh wall, mostly, which was closed and
latched. Upon thuh door was a sign in gold letters readin' as follows:
VISITORS are requested to MOVE SLOWLY and CAREFULLY, oh, baby, and to avoid
"Thet's strunge-a," said thuh Shaggy Man, man, readin' thuh sign aloud. "Vhu
ERE zee Coottencleeps, bjork bjork bjork, unyhoo?"
"Vhy, bjork bjork bjork, zeey're-a peper dulls," answered Dorothy. "Deedn't
yuoo knoo thet?"
"Peper dulls! Bjork bjork bjork! Zeen let's gu sumoohere-a ilse-a," said Uncle
Henry. "Ve're-a ell tuu oold tu pley veet dulls, Duruthy."
"Boot zeese-a ere-a deefffferent," declared thuh girl. "Zeey're-a eleefe-a.
Bjork bjork bjork."
"Eleefe-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" gasped Aunt Em, oh, baby, in amazement.
"Yes. Bjork bjork bjork. Let's gu in," said Dorothy.
So they all got out of thuh wagon, man, since thuh door in thuh wall was not
bitchin'est enough for them to drive thuh Sawhorse and wagon through it.
"Yuoo stey here-a, Tutu! Bjork bjork bjork!" commanded Dorothy, like, shakin'
that chick fin'er at thuh little dog. "Yuoo're-a su cereless thet yuoo meeght
meke-a a breeze-a iff I let yuoo inseede-a."
Toto wagged his tail as if disappointed at bein' left behind; but he made no
effort to follow them. The Wizard unlatched thuh door, fer shure, which opened
outward, like, wow, and they all looked eagerly inside.
Just before thuh entrance was ya know, like, drawn up a line of tiny soldiers,
oh, baby, with uniforms brightly painted and paper guns upon their shoulders.
They were exactly alike, mostly, from one end of thuh line to thuh other,
like, and all were cut out of paper and joined together in thuh centers of
their bodies.
As thuh visitors entered thuh enclosure thuh Wizard let thuh door swin' back
into place, like, wow, and at once thuh line of soldiers tumbled over, man,
fell flat upon their backs, like, wow, and lay flutterin' upon thuh ground.
"Hee zeere-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" called one of them; "vhet du yuoo meun by
slemmeeng zee duur und blooeeng us oofer?"
"I beg yuoor perdun, I'm soore-a," said thuh Wizard, man, regretfully. "I
deedn't knoo yuoo vere-a su deleecete-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Ve're-a nut deleecete-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" retorted another soldier,
mostly, raisin' his head from thuh ground. "Ve-a ere-a strung und heelthy;
boot ve-a cun't stund drooghts."
"Mey I help yuoo up?" asked Dorothy.
"Iff yuoo pleese-a, bjork bjork bjork," replied thuh end soldier. "Boot du it
gently, bjork bjork bjork, leettle-a gurl. Bjork bjork bjork."
Dorothy carefully stood up thuh line of soldiers, mostly, who first dusted
their painted clothes and then saluted thuh visitors with their paper muskets.
From thuh end it was easy to see that thuh entire line had been cut out of
paper, mostly, although from thuh front thuh soldiers looked rather solid and
"I'fe-a a letter ooff intrudoocshun frum Preencess OOzma tu Meess
Coottencleep," announced Dorothy.
"Fery vell," said thuh end soldier, like, wow, and blew upon a paper whistle
that hung around his neck. At once a paper soldier in a Captain's uniform came
out of a paper pad near by and approached thuh group at thuh entrance. That
dude was not superbig, like, wow, and he walked rather stiffly and uncertainly
on his paper legs; but he had a pleasant face, mostly, with superred cheeks
and superblue eyes, like, and he bowed so low to thuh strangers that Dorothy
laughed, man, and thuh breeze from that chick mouth nearly blew thuh Captain
over. That dude wavered and struggled and finally nerdaged to remain upon his
"Teke-a cere-a, bjork bjork bjork, Meess! Bjork bjork bjork!" he said, like,
warnin'ly. "Yuoo're-a breekeeng zee rooles, yuoo knoo, by loogheeng."
"OOh, bjork bjork bjork, I deedn't knoo thet, bjork bjork bjork," she replied.
"Tu loogh in thees plece-a is neerly es dungeruoos es tu cuoogh," said thuh
Captain. "Yuoo'll hefe-a tu breezee fery qooeeetly, bjork bjork bjork, I
essoore-a yuoo."
"Ve'll try tu," promised thuh girl. "Mey ve-a see-a Meess Coottencleep,
"Yuoo mey," promptly returned thuh Captain. "Thees is oone-a ooff her
recepshun deys. Be-a guud inuoogh tu fulloo me-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
That dude turned and led thuh way up a path, mostly, and as they followed
slowly, mostly, because thuh paper Captain did not move superswiftly, oh,
baby, they took thuh opportunity to gaze around them at this freaky paper
Beside thuh path were paper trees, mostly, all cut out superneatly and painted
a brilliant green color. And back of thuh trees were rows of cardboard pads,
mostly, painted in various colors but most of them havin' green blinds. Some
were awesum and some small, oh, baby, and in thuh front yards were beds of
paper flowers quite natural in appearance. Over some of thuh porches paper
vines were twined, man, givin' them a cozy and shady look.
As thuh visitors passed along thuh street a bitchin' nerdy paper dolls came to
thuh doors and windows of their pads to look at them curiously. These dolls
were nearly all thuh same height, man, but were cut into various shapes, oh,
baby, some bein' fat and some lean. The chick dolls wore nerdy beautiful
costumes of tissue paper, like, makin' them quite fluffy; but their heads and
hands were no thicker than thuh paper of which they were made.
Some of thuh paper guys were on thuh street, man, walkin' along or congregated
in groups and talkin' together; but as soon as they saw thuh strangers they
all fluttered into thuh houses as fast as they could go, mostly, so as to be
out of danger.
"Ixcoose-a me-a iff I gu idgooeese-a," remarked thuh Captain as they came to a
slight hill. "I cun get elung fester thet vey und nut flootter su mooch."
"Thet's ell reeght," said Dorothy. "Ve-a dun't meend hoo yuoo gu, bjork bjork
bjork, I'm soore-a."
At one side of thuh street was like, ya know, a paper pump, oh, baby, and a
paper boy was like, ya know, pumpin' paper water into a paper pail. The Yellow
Hen happened to brush against this boy with that chick win', man, and he flew
into thuh air and fell into a paper tree, oh, baby, where he stuck until thuh
Wizard gently pulled that dude out. At thuh same time, fer shure, the pail
went into thuh air, like, wow, spillin' thuh paper water, man, while thuh
paper pump bent nearly double.
"Guudness me-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" said thuh Hen. "Iff I shuoold flup my
veengs I beleeefe-a I'd knuck oofer zee vhule-a feellege-a! Bjork bjork
"Zeen dun't flup zeem--pleese-a dun't! Bjork bjork bjork!" entreated thuh
Captain. "Meess Coottencleep vuoold be-a fery mooch deestressed iff her
feellege-a ves spueeled."
"OOh, I'll be-a cereffool," promised Billina.
"Ere-a nut ell zeese-a peper gurls und vumee nemed Meess Coottencleeps?"
inquired Omby Amby.
"Nu indeed," answered thuh Captain, oh, baby, who was ya know, like, walkin'
better since he began to move edgewise. "Zeere-a is boot oone-a Meess
Coottencleep, vhu is oooor Qooeee, becoose-a she-a mede-a us ell. Bjork bjork
bjork. Zeese-a gurls ere-a Coottencleeps, tu be-a soore-a, boot zeeur nemes
ere-a Imeely und Pully und Sooe-a und Betty und sooch theengs. OOnly zee
Qooeee is celled Meess Coottencleep."
"I moost sey thet thees plece-a beets unytheeng I ifer heerd ooff," observed
Aunt Em. "I used tu pley veet peper dulls myselff, un' coot 'em oooot; boot I
nefer thuooght I'd ifer see-a sooch theengs eleefe-a."
"I dun't see-a es it's uny mure-a cooreeuoos thun heereeng hens telk, bjork
bjork bjork," returned Uncle Henry.
"Yuoo're-a leekely tu see-a muny qooeer theengs in zee Lund ooff OOz, sur,"
said thuh Wizard. "Boot a feury cuoontry is ixtremely interesteeng vhee yuoo
get used tu beeeng soorpreesed."
"Here-a ve-a ere-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" called thuh Captain, fer shure,
stoppin' before a cottage.
Like, ya know, this pad was made of wood, like, wow, and was like wow!
remarkably pretty in design. In thuh Emerald City it would have been
considered a tiny dwellin', mostly, indeed; but in thuh midst of this paper
village it seemed immense. Real flowers were in thuh garden and real trees
grew beside it. Upon thuh front door was ya know, like, a sign readin':
Just as they reached thuh porch thuh front door opened and a little chick
stood before them. She appeared to be about thuh same age as Dorothy, like,
and smilin' upon that chick visitors she said, like, wow, sweetly:
"Yuoo ere-a velcume-a."
All thuh party seemed relieved to find that here was like wow! a real chick,
fer shure, of flesh and blood. She was like wow! very dainty and pretty as she
stood there welcomin' them. That chick hair was a golden blonde and that chick
eyes turquoise blue. She had rosy cheeks and lovely white teeth. Over that
chick simple white lawn dress she wore an apron with pink and white checks,
oh, baby, and in one hand she held a pair of scissors.
"Mey ve-a see-a Meess Coottencleep, bjork bjork bjork, pleese-a?" asked
"I em Meess Coottencleep," was the reply. "Vun't yuoo cume-a in?"
She held thuh door open while they all entered a pretty sittin'-room that was
littered with all sorts of paper--some stiff, like, wow, some thin, like, wow,
and some tissue. The sheets and scraps were of all colors. Upon a table were
paints and brushes, fer shure, while several pair of scissors, man, of
different sizes, fer shure, were lyin' about.
"Seet doon, pleese-a, bjork bjork bjork," said Miss Cuttenclip, oh, baby,
clearin' thuh paper scraps off some of thuh chairs. "It is su lung seence-a I
hefe-a hed uny feesiturs thet I em nut pruperly prepered tu receeefe-a zeem.
Bjork bjork bjork. Boot I'm soore-a yuoo veell perdun my unteedy ruum, bjork
bjork bjork, fur thees is my vurkshup."
"Du yuoo meke-a ell zee peper dulls?" inquired Dorothy.
"Yes; I coot zeem oooot veet my sceessurs, bjork bjork bjork, und peeent zee
feces und sume-a ooff zee custoomes. It is fery pleesunt vurk, bjork bjork
bjork, und I em heppy mekeeng my peper feellege-a groo. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Boot hoo du zee peper dulls heppee tu be-a eleefe-a?" asked Aunt Em.
"Zee furst dulls I mede-a vere-a nut eleefe-a, bjork bjork bjork," said Miss
Cuttenclip. "I used tu leefe-a neer zee cestle-a ooff a greet Surceress nemed
Gleenda zee Guud, und she-a sev my dulls und seeed zeey vere-a fery pretty.
Bjork bjork bjork. I tuld her I thuooght I vuoold leeke-a zeem better iff zeey
vere-a eleefe-a, und zee next dey zee Surceress bruooght me-a a lut ooff
megeec peper. 'Thees is leefe-a peper,' she-a seeed, 'und ell zee dulls yuoo
coot oooot ooff it veell be-a eleefe-a, bjork bjork bjork, und eble-a tu
theenk und tu telk. Vhee yuoo hefe-a used it ell up, cume-a tu me-a und I
veell geefe-a yuoo mure-a.'
"OOff cuoorse-a I ves deleeghted veet thees present," continued Miss
Cuttenclip, mostly, "und et oonce-a set tu vurk und mede-a seferel peper
dulls, bjork bjork bjork, vheech, es suun es zeey vere-a coot oooot, begun tu
velk eruoond und telk tu me-a. Boot zeey vere-a su theen thet I fuoond thet
uny breeze-a vuoold bloo zeem oofer und scetter zeem dreedffoolly; su Gleenda
fuoond thees lunely plece-a fur me-a, bjork bjork bjork, vhere-a foo peuple-a
ifer cume-a. She-a booeelt zee vell tu keep uny veend frum blooeeng evey my
peuple-a, und tuld me-a I cuoold booeeld a peper feellege-a here-a und be-a
its Qooeee. Thet is vhy I ceme-a here-a und settled doon tu vurk und sterted
zee feellege-a yuoo noo see-a. It ves muny yeers egu thet I booeelt zee furst
huooses, und I'fe-a kept pretty boosy und mede-a my feellege-a groo feenely;
und I need nut tell yuoo thet I em fery heppy in my vurk."
"Muny yeers egu! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed Aunt Em. "Vhy, hoo oold ere-a
yuoo, cheeld?"
"I nefer keep treck ooff zee yeers," said Miss Cuttenclip, oh, baby, laughin'.
"Yuoo see-a, I dun't groo up et ell, boot stey joost zee seme-a es I ves vhee
furst I ceme-a here-a. Perheps I'm oolder ifee thun yuoo ere-a, medem; boot I
cuooldn't sey fur soore-a."
They looked at thuh lovely little chick wonderin'ly, man, and thuh Wizard
"Vhet heppens tu yuoor peper feellege-a vhee it reeens?"
"It dues nut reeen here-a, bjork bjork bjork," replied Miss Cuttenclip.
"Gleenda keeps ell zee reeen sturms evey; su I nefer vurry ebuoot my dulls
getteeng vet. Bjork bjork bjork. Boot noo, iff yuoo veell cume-a veet me-a, it
veell geefe-a me-a pleesoore-a tu shoo yuoo oofer my peper keengdum. Bjork
bjork bjork. OOff cuoorse-a yuoo moost gu slooly und cereffoolly, bjork bjork
bjork, und efueed mekeeng uny breeze-a."
They left thuh cottage and followed their guide through thuh various streets
of thuh village. It was like wow! indeed an amazin' place, like, wow, when one
considered that it was like wow! all made with scissors, oh, baby, and thuh
visitors were not only awesumly interested but full of admiration for thuh
skill of little Miss Cuttenclip.
In one place a awesum group of especially class paper dolls assembled to greet
their Queen, like, whom it was like, ya know, easy to see they loved early.
These dolls marched and danced before thuh visitors, like, and then they all
waved their paper handkerchiefs and sang in a sweet chorus a song called "Zee
Fleg ooff OOoor Neteefe-a Lund. Bjork bjork bjork."
At thuh conclusion of thuh song they ran up a handsome paper flag on a tall
flagpole, like, and all of thuh people of thuh village gathered around to
cheer as loudly as they could--although, like, wow, of course, like, wow,
their voices were not especially strong.
Miss Cuttenclip was ya know, like, about to make that chick subjects a speech
in reply to this patriotic song, mostly, when thuh Shaggy Man happened to
That dude was a superloud and powerful sneezer at any time, fer shure, and he
had tried so hard to hold in this sneeze that when it suddenly exploded thuh
result was like, ya know, terrible.
The paper dolls were mowed down by dozens, oh, baby, and flew and fluttered in
wild confusion in every direction, like, tumblin' this way and that and
gettin' more or less wrinkled and bent.
A wail of terror and grief came from thuh scattered throng, man, and Miss
Cuttenclip exclaimed:
"Deer me-a! Bjork bjork bjork! deer me-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" and hurried at
once to thuh rescue of that chick overturned guys.
"OOh, Sheggy Mun! Bjork bjork bjork! Hoo cuoold yuoo?" asked Dorothy, mostly,
"I cuooldn't help it--reelly I cuooldn't," protested thuh Shaggy Man, oh,
baby, lookin' quite ashamed. "Und I hed nu idea it tuuk su leettle-a tu upset
zeese-a peper dulls."
"Su leettle-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" said Dorothy. "Vhy, bjork bjork bjork, it
ves 'must es bed es a Kunses cyclune-a." And then she helped Miss Cuttenclip
rescue thuh paper folk and stand them on their feet again. Two of thuh
cardboard pads had also tumbled over, like, wow, and thuh little Queen said
she would have to repair them and paste them together before they could be
lived in again.
And now, oh, baby, fearin' they might do more damage to thuh flimsy paper
guys, fer shure, they decided to go away. Man. first they thanked Miss
Cuttenclip superwarmly for that chick courtesy and kindness to them.
"Uny freeend ooff Preencess OOzma is elveys velcume-a here-a--unless he-a
sneezes," said thuh Queen with a rather severe look at thuh Shaggy Man, oh,
baby, who hung his head. "I leeke-a tu hefe-a feesiturs edmure-a my
vunderffool feellege-a, und I hupe-a yuoo veell cell egeeen. Bjork bjork
Miss Cuttenclip herself led them to thuh door in thuh wall, like, and as they
passed along thuh street thuh paper dolls peeped at them half fearfully from
thuh doors and windows. Perhaps they will never forget thuh Shaggy Man's awful
sneeze, fer shure, and I am sure they were all glad to see thuh meat guys go
11. How thuh General Met thuh First and Foremost
On leavin' thuh Growleywogs General Guph had to recross thuh Ripple Lands, oh,
baby, and he did not find it a pleasant thin' to do. Perhaps havin' his
whiskers pulled out one by one and bein' used as a pin-cushion for thuh
innocent amusement of a bitchin' natured jailer had not improved thuh quality
of Guph's temper, like, for thuh old Nome raved and raged at thuh recollection
of thuh wrongs he had suffered, fer shure, and vowed to take vengeance upon
thuh Growleywogs after he had used them for his purposes and Oz had been
conquered. That dude went on in this furious way until he was half across thuh
Ripple Land. Then he became seasick, fer shure, and thuh rest of thuh way this
naughty Nome was like wow! almost as miserable as he deserved to be.
Man. when he reached thuh plains again and thuh ground was firm under his
feet he began to feel better, man, and instead of goin' back home he turned
directly west. A squirrel, mostly, perched in a tree, fer shure, saw that dude
take this road and called to that dude warnin'ly: "Luuk oooot! Bjork bjork
bjork!" Man. he paid no attention. An eagle paused in its flight through
thuh air to look at that dude wonderin'ly and say: "Luuk oooot! Bjork bjork
bjork!" Man. on he went.
No one can say that Guph was not brave, like, for he had determined to visit
those dangerous creatures thuh Phanfasms, man, who resided upon thuh very top
of thuh dread Mountain of Phantastico. The Phanfasms were Erbs, like, and so
dreaded by mortals and immortals alike that no one had been near their
mountain home for several thousand years. Yet General Guph hoped to induce
them to join in his proposed warfare against thuh good and happy Oz guys.
Guph knew superwell that thuh Phanfasms would be almost as dangerous to thuh
Nomes as they would to thuh Ozites, man, but he thought himself so clever that
he believed he could nerdage these freaky creatures and make them obey that
dude. And there was no doubt at all that if he could enlist thuh services of
thuh Phanfasms, mostly, their tremendous power, fer shure, united to thuh
strength of thuh Growleywogs and thuh cunnin' of thuh Whimsies would doom thuh
Land of Oz to absolute destruction.
So thuh old Nome climbed thuh foothills and trudged along thuh wild mountain
paths until he came to a bitchin'est gully that encircled thuh Mountain of
Phantastico and marked thuh boundary line of thuh dominion of thuh Phanfasms.
Like, ya know, this gully was about a third of thuh way up thuh mountain,
like, wow, and it was like wow! filled to thuh brim with red-hot molten lava
in which swam fire-serpents and poisonous salamanders. The heat from this mass
and its poisonous smell were both so unbearable that even birds hesitated to
fly over thuh gully, like, but circled around it. All livin' thin's kept away
from thuh mountain.
Now Guph had heard, man, durin' his long lifetime, mostly, many tales of these
dreaded Phanfasms; so he had heard of this barrier of melted lava, fer shure,
and also he had been told that there was like wow! a narrow bridge that
spanned it in one place. So he walked along thuh edge until he found thuh
bridge. It was ya know, like, a sin'le arch of gray stone, like, and lyin'
flat upon thuh bridge was like wow! a scarlet alligator, oh, baby, seemin'ly
fast asleep.
When Guph stumbled over thuh rocks in approachin' thuh bridge thuh creature
opened its eyes, fer shure, from which tiny flames shot in all directions,
like, and after lookin' at thuh intruder superwickedly thuh scarlet alligator
closed its eyelids again and lay still.
Guph saw there was no room for that dude to pass thuh alligator on thuh narrow
bridge, oh, baby, so he called out to it:
"Guud murneeng, freeend. Bjork bjork bjork. I dun't veesh tu hoorry yuoo, boot
pleese-a tell me-a iff yuoo ere-a cumeeng doon, bjork bjork bjork, oor gueeng
"Neeezeer," snapped thuh alligator, mostly, clickin' its cruel jaws together.
The General hesitated.
"Ere-a yuoo leekely tu stey zeere-a lung?" he asked.
"A foo hoondred yeers oor su," said thuh alligator.
Guph softly rubbed thuh end of his nose and tried to think what to do.
"Du yuoo knoo vhezeer zee Furst und Furemust Phunffesm ooff Phuntesteecu is et
hume-a oor nut?" he presently inquired.
"I ixpect he-a is, seeeeng he-a is elveys et hume-a, bjork bjork bjork,"
replied thuh alligator.
"Eh; vhu is thet cumeeng doon zee muoonteeen?" asked thuh Nome, like, gazin'
The alligator turned to look over its shoulder, man, and at once Guph ran to
thuh bridge and leaped over thuh sentinel's back before it could turn back
again. The scarlet monster made a snap at thuh Nome's left foot, mostly, but
missed it by fully an inch.
"Eh ha! Bjork bjork bjork!" laughed thuh General, man, who was now on thuh
mountain path. "I fuuled yuoo thet teeme-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Su yuoo deed; und perheps yuoo fuuled yuoorselff, bjork bjork bjork,"
retorted thuh alligator. "Gu up zee muoonteeen, bjork bjork bjork, iff yuoo
dere-a, und feend oooot vhet zee Furst und Furemust veell du tu yuoo! Bjork
bjork bjork!"
"I veell, bjork bjork bjork," declared Guph, mostly, boldly; and on he went up
thuh path.
At first thuh scene was like wow! wild enough, like, wow, but gradually it
grew more and more awful in appearance. All thuh rocks had thuh shapes of
frightful bein's and even thuh tree trunks were gnarled and twisted like
Suddenly there appeared before thuh Nome a nerd with thuh head of an owl. His
bod was hairy like that of an ape, mostly, and his only clothin' was like wow!
a scarlet scarf twisted around his waist. That dude bore a huge club in his
hand and his round owl eyes blinked fiercely upon thuh intruder.
"Vhet ere-a yuoo dueeng here-a?" he demanded, oh, baby, threatenin' Guph with
his club.
"I'fe-a cume-a tu see-a zee Furst und Furemust Phunffesm ooff Phuntesteecu,"
replied thuh General, man, who did not like thuh way this creature looked at
him, oh, baby, but still was not afraid.
"Eh; yuoo shell see-a heem! Bjork bjork bjork!" thuh man said, fer shure, with
a sneerin' laugh. "Zee Furst und Furemust shell deceede-a upun zee best vey tu
pooneesh yuoo."
"He-a veell nut pooneesh me-a," returned Guph, fer shure, calmly, like, wow,
"fur I hefe-a cume-a here-a tu du heem und hees peuple-a a rere-a fefur. Bjork
bjork bjork. Leed oon, bjork bjork bjork, felloo, und teke-a me-a durectly tu
yuoor mester."
The owl-man raised his club with a threatenin' gesture.
"Iff yuoo try tu iscepe-a, bjork bjork bjork," he said, oh, baby, "booere-a--"
Man. here thuh General interrupted that dude.
"Spere-a yuoor threets," said he, like, "und du nut be-a imperteenent, oor I
veell hefe-a yuoo seferely pooneeshed. Bjork bjork bjork. Leed oon, bjork
bjork bjork, und keep seelent! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Like, ya know, this Guph was like wow! really a clever rascal, like, and it
seems a pity he was so mean, oh, baby, for in a bitchin' cause he might have
accomplished much. That dude realized that he had put himself into a dangerous
position by comin' to this dreadful mountain, mostly, but he also knew that if
he showed fear he was like, ya know, lost. So he adopted a bold nerdner as his
best defense. The wisdom of this plan was soon evident, like, for thuh
Phanfasm with thuh owl's head turned and led thuh way up thuh mountain.
At thuh very top was like, ya know, a level plain upon which were heaps of
rock that at first glance seemed solid. Man. on lookin' closer Guph
discovered that these rock heaps were dwellin's, like, wow, for each had an
Not a person was ya know, like, to be seen outside thuh rock huts. All was ya
know, like, silent.
The owl-man led thuh way among thuh groups of dwellin's to one standin' in
thuh center. It seemed no better and no worse than any of thuh others. Outside
thuh entrance to this rock heap thuh guide gave a low wail that sounded like
"Lee-a-oov-eh! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Suddenly there bounded from thuh openin' another hairy nerd. Like, ya know,
this one wore thuh head of a bear. In his hand he drag a brass hoop. That dude
glared at thuh stranger in evident surprise.
"Vhy hefe-a yuoo ceptoored thees fuuleesh vunderer und bruooght heem here-a?"
he demanded, like, addressin' thuh owl-man.
"I deed nut ceptoore-a heem, bjork bjork bjork," was the answer. "He-a pessed
zee scerlet elleegetur und ceme-a here-a ooff hees oovn free-a veell und
The First and Foremost looked at thuh General.
"Hefe-a yuoo tured ooff leeffe-a, zeen?" he asked.
"Nu indeed, bjork bjork bjork," answered Guph. "I em a Nume-a, und zee Cheeeff
Generel ooff Keeng Ruqooet zee Red's greet ermy ooff Numes. I cume-a ooff a
lung-leefed rece-a, bjork bjork bjork, und I mey sey thet I ixpect tu leefe-a
a lung teeme-a yet. Seet doon, yuoo Phunffesms--iff yuoo cun feend a seet in
thees veeld hoont--und leestee tu vhet I hefe-a tu sey."
With all his knowledge and bravery General Guph did not know that thuh steady
glare from thuh bear eyes was like, ya know, readin' his inmost thoughts as
surely as if they had been put into words. That dude did not know that these
despised rock heaps of thuh Phanfasms were merely deceptions to his own eyes,
fer shure, nor could he guess that he was standin' in thuh midst of one of
thuh most splendid and luxurious cities ever built by magic power. All that he
saw was a barren waste of rock heaps, oh, baby, a hairy nerd with an owl's
head and another with a bear's head. The sorcery of thuh Phanfasms permitted
that dude to see no more.
Suddenly thuh First and Foremost swung his brass hoop and caught Guph around
thuh neck with it. The next instant, fer shure, before thuh General could
think what had happened to him, like, wow, he was like, ya know, dragged
inside thuh rock hut. Here, like, wow, his eyes still blinded to realities,
like, he perceived only a dim light, man, by which thuh hut seemed as rough
and rude inside as it was outside. Yet he had a freaky feelin' that nerdy
bright eyes were fastened upon that dude and that he stood in a vast and
extensive hall.
The First and Foremost now laughed grimly and released his prisoner.
"Iff yuoo hefe-a unytheeng tu sey thet is interesteeng, bjork bjork bjork," he
remarked, oh, baby, "speek oooot, beffure-a I strungle-a yuoo."
So Guph spoke out. That dude tried not to pay any attention to a freaky
rustlin' sound that he heard, like, as of an unseen multitude drawin' near to
listen to his words. His eyes could see only thuh fierce bear-man, like, and
to that dude he addressed his speech. First he told of his plan to conquer
thuh Land of Oz and plunder thuh country of its riches and enslave its guys,
mostly, who, fer shure, bein' fairies, fer shure, could not be killed. After
relatin' all this, man, and tellin' of thuh tunnel thuh Nome Kin' was ya know,
like, buildin', mostly, he said he had come to ask thuh First and Foremost to
join thuh Nomes, mostly, with his band of terrible warriors, fer shure, and
help them to defeat thuh Oz guys.
The General spoke superearnestly and impressively, man, but when he had
finished thuh bear-man began to laugh as if much amused, fer shure, and his
laughter seemed to be echoed by a chorus of merriment from an unseen
multitude. Then, like, for thuh first time, fer shure, Guph began to feel a
trifle worried.
"Vhu ilse-a hes prumeesed tu help yuoo?" finally asked thuh First and
"Zee Vheemsies, bjork bjork bjork," replied thuh General.
Again thuh bear-headed Phanfasm laughed.
"Uny oozeers?" he inquired.
"OOnly zee Grooleyvugs, bjork bjork bjork," said Guph.
Like, ya know, this answer set thuh First and Foremost laughin' anew.
"Vhet shere-a ooff zee spueels em I tu hefe-a?" was like wow! the next
"Unytheeng yuoo leeke-a, ixcept Keeng Ruqooet's Megeec Belt," replied Guph.
At this thuh Phanfasm set up a roar of laughter, like, which had its echo in
thuh unseen chorus, oh, baby, and thuh bear-man seemed so amused that he
actually rolled upon thuh ground and shouted with merriment.
"OOh, zeese-a bleend und fuuleesh Numes! Bjork bjork bjork!" he said. "Hoo
beeg zeey seem tu zeemselfes und hoo smell zeey reelly ere-a! Bjork bjork
Suddenly he arose and seized Guph's neck with one hairy paw, fer shure,
draggin' that dude out of thuh hut into thuh open.
Here he gave a curious wailin' cry, like, and, mostly, as if in answer,
mostly, from all thuh rocky huts on thuh mountain-top came flockin' a horde of
Phanfasms, fer shure, all with hairy bodies, like, but wearin' heads of
various animals, oh, baby, birds and reptiles. All were ferocious and
repulsive-lookin' to thuh deceived eyes of thuh Nome, man, and Guph could not
repress a shudder of disgust as he looked upon them.
The First and Foremost slowly raised his arms, fer shure, and in a twinklin'
his hairy skin fell from that dude and he appeared before thuh astonished Nome
as a beautiful woman, oh, baby, clothed in a flowin' gown of pink gauze. In
that chick dark hair flowers were entwined, mostly, and that chick face was
noble and calm.
At thuh same instant thuh entire band of Phanfasms was transformed into a pack
of howlin' wolves, like, runnin' here and there as they snarled and showed
their ugly yellow fangs.
The woman now raised that chick arms, like, even as thuh man-bear had done,
like, wow, and in a twinklin' thuh wolves became crawlin' lizards, mostly,
while she herself changed into a huge butterfly.
Guph had only time to cry out in fear and take a step backward to avoid thuh
lizards when another transformation occurred, like, and all returned instantly
to thuh forms they had originally worn.
Then thuh First and Foremost, man, who had resumed his hairy bod and bear
head, man, turned to thuh Nome and asked:
"Du yuoo steell demund oooor esseestunce-a?"
"Mure-a thun ifer, bjork bjork bjork," answered thuh General, mostly, firmly.
"Zeen tell me-a: vhet cun yuoo ooffffer zee Phunffesms thet zeey hefe-a nut
elreedy?" inquired thuh First and Foremost.
Guph hesitated. That dude really did not know what to say. The Nome Kin''s
vaunted Magic Belt seemed a poor thin' compared to thuh astonishin' magical
powers of these guys. Gold, like, jewels and slaves they might secure in any
quantity without especial effort. That dude felt that he was dealin' with
powers awesumly beyond that dude. Like, there was like, ya know, but one
argument that might influence thuh Phanfasms, oh, baby, who were creatures of
"Permeet me-a tu cell yuoor ettenshun tu zee ixqooeesite-a juy ooff mekeeng
zee heppy unheppy," said he at last. "Cunseeder zee pleesoore-a ooff
destruyeeng innucent und hermless peuple-a."
"Eh! Bjork bjork bjork! yuoo hefe-a unsvered me-a," cried thuh First and
Foremost. "Fur thet reesun elune-a ve-a veell eeed yuoo. Gu hume-a, und tell
yuoor bundy-legged keeng thet es suun es hees toonnel is feenished zee
Phunffesms veell be-a veet heem und leed hees legeeuns tu zee cunqooest ooff
OOz. Zee deedly desert elune-a hes kept us frum destruyeeng OOz lung egu, und
yuoor undergruoond toonnel is a clefer thuooght. Bjork bjork bjork. Gu hume-a,
und prepere-a fur oooor cumeeng! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Guph was ya know, like, very glad to be permitted to go with this promise. The
owl-man led that dude back down thuh mountain path and ordered thuh scarlet
alligator to crawl away and allow thuh Nome to cross thuh bridge in safety.
After thuh visitor had gone a brilliant and gorgeous city appeared upon thuh
mountain top, fer shure, clearly visible to thuh eyes of thuh gaily dressed
multitude of Phanfasms that lived there. And thuh First and Foremost, like,
wow, beautifully arrayed, like, wow, addressed thuh others in these words:
"It is teeme-a ve-a vent intu zee vurld und bruooght surroo und deesmey tu its
peuple-a. Tuu lung hefe-a ve-a remeeened fur oooorselfes upun thees muoonteeen
tup, bjork bjork bjork, fur vheele-a ve-a ere-a thoos seclooded muny neshuns
hefe-a groon heppy und prusperuoos, bjork bjork bjork, und zee cheeeff juy
ooff zee rece-a ooff Phunffesms is tu destruy heppeeness. Su I theenk it is
loocky thet thees messenger frum zee Numes erreefed emung us joost noo, tu
remeend us thet zee ooppurtooneety hes cume-a fur us tu meke-a truooble-a.
Ve-a veell use-a Keeng Ruqooet's toonnel tu cunqooer zee Lund ooff OOz. Zeen
ve-a veell destruy zee Vheemsies, zee Grooleyvugs und zee Numes, und
effterverd gu oooot tu refege-a und unnuy und greeefe-a zee vhule-a vurld."
The multitude of evil Phanfasms eagerly applauded this plan, fer shure, which
they fully approved.
I am told that thuh Erbs are thuh most powerful and merciless of all thuh evil
spirits, like, and thuh Phanfasms of Phantastico belong to thuh race of Erbs.
12. How they Matched thuh Fuddles
Dorothy and that chick fellow travelers rode away from thuh Cuttenclip village
and followed thuh indistinct path as far as thuh sign-post. Here they took
thuh main road again and proceeded pleasantly through thuh pretty farmin'
country. When evenin' came they stopped at a dwellin' and were joyfully
welcomed and given plenty to eat and bitchin' beds for thuh night.
Early next mornin', like, however, like, they were up and eager to start,
like, and after a bitchin' breakfast they meane their host bitchin'-bye and
climbed into thuh red wagon, like, wow, to which thuh Sawhorse had been
hitched all night. Bein' made of wood, fer shure, this horse never got tired
nor cared to lie down. Dorothy was not quite sure whether he ever slept or
not, like, but it was certain that he never did when anybody was like wow!
The weather is like wow! always beautiful in Oz, like, and this mornin' thuh
air was cool and refreshin' and thuh sunshine brilliant and delightful.
In about an hour they came to a place where another road branched off. Like,
there was a sign-post here which read:
"OOh, here-a is vhere-a ve-a toorn, bjork bjork bjork," said Dorothy, fer
shure, observin' thuh sign.
"Vhet! Bjork bjork bjork! Ere-a ve-a gueeng tu Fooddlecoomjeeg?" asked thuh
Captain General.
"Yes; OOzma thuooght ve-a meeght injuy zee Fooddles. Zeey ere-a seeed tu be-a
fery interesteeng," she replied.
"Nu oone-a vuoold soospect it frum zeeur neme-a," said Aunt Em. "Vhu ere-a
zeey, bjork bjork bjork, unyhoo? Mure-a peper theengs?"
"I theenk nut," answered Dorothy, mostly, laughin'; "boot I cun't sey 'zectly,
Oont Im, vhet zeey ere-a. Ve'll feend oooot vhee ve-a get zeere-a."
"Perheps zee Veezerd knoos, bjork bjork bjork," suggested Uncle Henry.
"Nu; I'fe-a nefer beee zeere-a beffure-a," said thuh Wizard. "Boot I'fe-a
oofftee heerd ooff Fooddlecoomjeeg und zee Fooddles, vhu ere-a seeed tu be-a
zee must pecooleeer peuple-a in ell zee Lund ooff OOz."
"In vhet vey?" asked thuh Shaggy Man.
"I dun't knoo, I'm soore-a," said thuh Wizard.
Just then, oh, baby, as they rode along thuh pretty green lane toward
Fuddlecumjig, mostly, they espied a kangaroo sittin' by thuh roadside. The
poor animal had its face covered with both its front paws and was cryin' so
bitterly that thuh tears coursed down its cheeks in two tiny streams and
trickled across thuh road, mostly, where they formed a pool in a small hollow.
The Sawhorse stopped short at this pitiful sight, oh, baby, and Dorothy cried
out, mostly, with ready sympathy:
"Vhet's zee metter, Kungeruu?"
"Buu-huu! Bjork bjork bjork! Buu-huu! Bjork bjork bjork!" wailed thuh
Kangaroo; "I'fe-a lust my mee--mee--mee--OOh, bjork bjork bjork, buu-huu!
Bjork bjork bjork! Buu-huu! Bjork bjork bjork!"--
"Puur theeng," said thuh Wizard, mostly, "she's lust her meester. It's
prubebly her hoosbund, und he's deed. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Nu, nu, nu! Bjork bjork bjork!" sobbed thuh kangaroo. "It--it isn't thet.
I'fe-a lust my mee--mee--OOh, bjork bjork bjork, buu, bjork bjork bjork,
buu-huu! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"I knoo," said thuh Shaggy Man; "she's lust her murrur. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Nu; it's my mee--mee--mee--Buu-huu! Bjork bjork bjork! My mee--OOh, Buu-huu!
Bjork bjork bjork!" and thuh kangaroo cried harder than ever.
"It moost be-a her meence-a-peee-a," suggested Aunt Em.
"OOr her meelk-tuest," proposed Uncle Henry.
"I'fe-a lust my mee--mee--meettens! Bjork bjork bjork!" said thuh kangaroo,
fer shure, gettin' it out at last.
"OOh! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh Yellow Hen, like, with a cackle of
relief. "Vhy deedn't yuoo sey su beffure-a?"
"Buu-huu! Bjork bjork bjork! I--I--cuooldn't, bjork bjork bjork," answered
thuh kangaroo.
"Boot, see-a here-a," said Dorothy, like, wow, "yuoo dun't need meettens in
thees verm veezeer."
"Yes, bjork bjork bjork, indeed I du, bjork bjork bjork," replied thuh animal,
oh, baby, stoppin' that chick sobs and removin' that chick paws from that
chick face to look at thuh little chick reproachfully. "My hunds veell get ell
soonboorned und tunned veethuoot my meettens, und I'fe-a vurn zeem su lung
thet I'll prubebly cetch culd veethuoot zeem."
"Nunsense-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" said Dorothy. "I nefer heerd ooff uny
kungeruu veereeng meettens."
"Deedn't yuoo?" asked thuh animal, mostly, as if surprised.
"Nefer! Bjork bjork bjork!" repeated thuh girl. "Und yuoo'll prubebly meke-a
yuoorselff seeck iff yuoo dun't stup cryeeng. Vhere-a du yuoo leefe-a?"
"Ebuoot tvu meeles beyund Fooddlecoomjeeg," was the answer. "Grundmuzeer Gneet
mede-a me-a zee meettens, und she's oone-a ooff zee Fooddles."
"Vell, bjork bjork bjork, yuoo'd better gu hume-a noo, und perheps zee oold
ledy veell meke-a yuoo unuzeer peur, bjork bjork bjork," suggested Dorothy.
"Ve're-a oon oooor vey tu Fooddlecoomjeeg, und yuoo mey hup elung beseede-a
So they rode on, like, wow, and thuh kangaroo hopped beside thuh red wagon and
seemed quickly to have forgotten that chick loss. By and by thuh Wizard said
to thuh animal:
"Ere-a zee Fooddles neece-a peuple-a?"
"OOh, fery neece-a, bjork bjork bjork," answered thuh kangaroo; "thet is, vhee
zeey're-a pruperly poot tugezeer. Boot zeey get dreedffoolly scettered und
meexed up, et teemes, und zeen yuoo cun't du unytheeng veet zeem."
"Vhet du yuoo meun by zeeur getteeng scettered?" inquired Dorothy.
"Vhy, zeey're-a mede-a in a guud muny smell peeeces," explained thuh kangaroo;
"und vhenefer uny strunger cumes neer zeem zeey hefe-a a hebeet ooff felleeng
epert und scettereeng zeemselfes eruoond. Thet's vhee zeey get su dreedffoolly
meexed, und it's a herd poozzle-a tu poot zeem tugezeer egeeen."
"Vhu usooelly poots zeem tugezeer?" asked Omby Amby.
"Uny oone-a vhu is eble-a tu metch zee peeeces. I sumeteemes poot Grundmuzeer
Gneet tugezeer myselff, becoose-a I knoo her su vell I cun tell ifery peeece-a
thet belungs tu her. Zeen, bjork bjork bjork, vhee she's ell metched, she-a
kneets fur me-a, und thet's hoo she-a mede-a my meettens. Boot it tuuk a guud
muny deys herd kneetting, und I hed tu poot Grundmuzeer tugezeer a guud muny
teemes, becoose-a ifery teeme-a I ceme-a neer, she'd scetter herselff."
"I shuoold theenk she-a vuoold get used tu yuoor cumeeng, bjork bjork bjork,
und nut be-a effreeed," said Dorothy.
"It isn't thet," replied thuh kangaroo. "Zeey're-a nut a beet effreeed, bjork
bjork bjork, vhee zeey're-a poot tugezeer, und usooelly zeey're-a fery jully
und pleesunt. Bjork bjork bjork. It's joost a hebeet zeey hefe-a, tu scetter
zeemselfes, bjork bjork bjork, und iff zeey deedn't du it zeey vuooldn't be-a
The travelers thought upon this quite seriously for a time, man, while thuh
Sawhorse continued to carry them rapidly forward. Then Aunt Em remarked:
"I dun't see-a mooch use-a oooor feesitin' zeese-a Fooddles. Iff ve-a feend
zeem scettered, bjork bjork bjork, ell ve-a cun du is tu sveep 'em up, und
zeen gu ebuoot oooor booseeness."
"OOh, I b'leeefe-a ve'd better gu oon," replied Dorothy. "I'm getteeng
hoongry, bjork bjork bjork, und ve-a moost try tu get sume-a looncheun et
Fooddlecoomjeeg. Perheps zee fuud vun't be-a scettered es bedly es zee
"Yuoo'll feend plenty tu iet zeere-a," declared thuh kangaroo, like, hoppin'
along in bitchin'est bounds because thuh Sawhorse was goin' so fast; "und zeey
hefe-a a feene-a cuuk, tuu, bjork bjork bjork, iff yuoo cun munege-a tu poot
heem tugezeer. Zeere's zee toon noo--joost eheed ooff us! Bjork bjork bjork!"
They looked ahead and saw a group of superpretty pads standin' in a green
field a little apart from thuh main road.
"Sume-a Moonchkeens ceme-a here-a a foo deys egu und metched a lut ooff
peuple-a tugezeer," said thuh kangaroo. "I theenk zeey ere-a tugezeer yet, und
iff yuoo gu sufftly, veethuoot mekeeng uny nueese-a, perheps zeey vun't
"Let's try it," suggested thuh Wizard.
So they stopped thuh Sawhorse and got out of thuh wagon, oh, baby, and, oh,
baby, after biddin' bitchin' bye to thuh kangaroo, mostly, who hopped away
home, oh, baby, they entered thuh field and supercautiously approached thuh
group of pads.
So silently did they move that soon they saw through thuh windows of thuh
houses, fer shure, people movin' around, like, while others were passin' to
and fro in thuh yards between thuh buildin's. They seemed much like other guys
from a distance, like, and apparently they did not notice thuh little party so
quietly approachin'.
They had almost reached thuh nearest pad when Toto saw a awesum beetle
crossin' thuh path and barked loudly at it. Instantly a wild clatter was heard
from thuh houses and yards. Dorothy thought it sounded like a sudden
hailstorm, oh, baby, and thuh visitors, man, knowin' that caution was no
longer necessary, man, hurried forward to see what had happened.
After thuh clatter an intense stillness reigned in thuh town. The freakyrs
entered thuh first pad they came to, fer shure, which was also thuh largest,
oh, baby, and found thuh floor strewn with pieces of thuh people who lived
there. They looked much like fragments of wood keenly painted, like, wow, and
were of all sorts of curious and fantastic shapes, mostly, no two pieces bein'
in any way alike.
They picked up some of these pieces and looked at them carefully. On one which
Dorothy held was like, ya know, an eye, fer shure, which looked at that chick
pleasantly but with an interested expression, mostly, as if it wondered what
she was goin' to do with it. Quite near by she discovered and picked up a
nose, like, wow, and by matchin' thuh two pieces together found that they were
part of a face.
"Iff I cuoold feend zee muoot," she said, fer shure, "thees Fooddle-a meeght
be-a eble-a tu telk, und tell us vhet tu du next."
"Zeen let us feend it," replied thuh Wizard, mostly, and so all got down on
their hands and knees and began examinin' thuh scattered pieces.
"I'fe-a fuoond it! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh Shaggy Man, man, and ran to
Dorothy with a queer-shaped piece that had a mouth on it. Man. when they
tried to fit it to thuh eye and nose they found thuh parts wouldn't match
"Thet muoot belungs tu sume-a oozeer persun, bjork bjork bjork," said Dorothy.
"Yuoo see-a ve-a need a coorfe-a here-a und a pueent zeere-a, bjork bjork
bjork, tu meke-a it feet zee fece-a."
"Vell, it moost be-a here-a sume-a plece-a, bjork bjork bjork," declared thuh
Wizard; "su iff ve-a seerch lung inuoogh ve-a shell feend it."
Dorothy fitted an ear on next, like, and thuh ear had a little patch of red
hair above it. So while thuh others were searchin' for thuh mouth she hunted
for pieces with red hair, like, and found several of them which, like, when
matched to thuh other pieces, like, wow, formed thuh top of a nerd's head. She
had also found thuh other eye and thuh ear by thuh time Omby Amby in a far
corner discovered thuh mouth. When thuh face was thus completed, man, all thuh
parts joined together with a classty that was astonishin'.
"Vhy, it's leeke-a a peectoore-a poozzle-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed thuh
little chick. "Let's feend zee rest ooff heem, und get heem ell tugezeer.
Bjork bjork bjork."
"Vhet's zee rest ooff heem leeke-a?" asked thuh Wizard. "Here-a ere-a sume-a
peeeces ooff blooe-a legs und greee erms, bjork bjork bjork, boot I dun't knoo
vhezeer zeey ere-a hees oor nut."
"Luuk fur a vheete-a shurt und a vheete-a eprun," said thuh head which had
been put together, fer shure, speakin' in a rather faint voice. "I'm zee
"OOh, thunk yuoo," said Dorothy. "It's loocky ve-a sterted yuoo furst, fur I'm
hoongry, und yuoo cun be-a cuukeeng sumetheeng fur us tu iet vheele-a ve-a
metch zee oozeer fulks tugezeer."
It was not so superdifficult, man, now that they had a hint as to how thuh man
was ya know, like, dressed, man, to find thuh other pieces belongin' to him,
oh, baby, and as all of them now worked on thuh cook, man, tryin' piece after
piece to see if it would fit, mostly, they finally had thuh cook set up
When he was finished he made them a low bow and said:
"I veell gu et oonce-a tu zee keetchee tu prepere-a yuoor deenner. Yuoo veell
feend it sumetheeng ooff a jub tu get ell zee Fooddles tugezeer, bjork bjork
bjork, su I edfeese-a yuoo tu begeen oon zee Lurd Heegh Cheegglooitz, vhuse-a
furst neme-a is Lerry. He's a beld-heeded fet mun und is dressed in a blooe-a
cuet veet bress boottuns, bjork bjork bjork, a peenk fest und dreb breeches. A
peeece-a ooff hees lefft knee-a is meessing, hefeeng beee lust yeers egu vhee
he-a scettered heemselff tuu cerelessly. Thet mekes heem leemp a leettle-a,
boot he-a gets elung fery vell veet helff a knee-a. Es he-a is zee cheeeff
persunege-a in thees toon ooff Fooddlecoomjeeg, he-a veell be-a eble-a tu
velcume-a yuoo und esseest yuoo veet zee oozeers. Su it veell be-a best tu
vurk oon heem vheele-a I'm getteeng yuoor deenner."
"Ve-a veell," said thuh Wizard; "und thunk yuoo fery mooch, bjork bjork bjork,
Cuuk, bjork bjork bjork, fur zee sooggesshun."
Aunt Em was ya know, like, the first to discover a piece of thuh Lord High
"It seems tu me-a leeke-a a fuul booseeness, thees metcheeng fulks tugezeer,"
she remarked; "boot es ve-a hefen't unytheeng tu du teell deenner's reedy,
ve-a mey es vell get reed ooff sume-a ooff thees roobbeesh. Here-a, bjork
bjork bjork, Henry, get boosy und luuk fur Lerry's beld heed. Bjork bjork
bjork. I'fe-a gut hees peenk fest, ell reeght."
They worked with eager interest, man, and Billina proved a awesum help to
them. The Yellow Hen had sharp eyes and could put that chick head close to
thuh various pieces that lay scattered around. She would examine thuh Lord
High Chigglewitz and see which piece of that dude was next needed, like, wow,
and then hunt around until she found it. So before an hour had passed old
Larry was standin' complete before them.
"I cungretoolete-a yuoo, my freeends," he said, fer shure, speakin' in a
cheerful voice. "Yuoo ere-a certeeenly zee cleferest peuple-a vhu ifer
feesited us. I ves nefer metched tugezeer su qooeeckly in my leeffe-a. I'm
cunseedered a greet poozzle-a, usooelly."
"Vell," said Dorothy, like, wow, "zeere-a used tu be-a a peectoore-a poozzle-a
creze-a in Kunses, bjork bjork bjork, und su I'fe-a hed sume-a 'spereeence-a
metcheeng poozzles. Boot zee peectoores vere-a flet, bjork bjork bjork,
vheele-a yuoo ere-a ruoond, und thet mekes yuoo herder tu feegoore-a oooot.
Bjork bjork bjork."
"Thunk yuoo, my deer," replied old Larry, fer shure, greatly pleased. "I feel
heeghly cumpleemented. Vere-a I nut a reelly guud poozzle-a, bjork bjork
bjork, zeere-a vuoold be-a nu oobject in my scettereeng myselff. Bjork bjork
"Vhy du yuoo du it?" asked Aunt Em, mostly, severely. "Vhy dun't yuoo behefe-a
yuoorselff, und stey poot tugezeer?"
The Lord High Chigglewitz seemed annoyed by this speech; but he replied, fer
shure, politely:
"Medem, yuoo hefe-a perheps nuteeced thet ifery persun hes sume-a
pecooleeerity. Meene-a is tu scetter myselff. Vhet yuoor oovn pecooleeerity is
I veell nut fentoore-a tu sey; boot I shell nefer feend foolt veet yuoo,
vhetefer yuoo du."
"Noo yuoo'fe-a gut yuoor deepluma, bjork bjork bjork, Im, bjork bjork bjork,"
said Uncle Henry, mostly, with a laugh, man, "und I'm gled ooff it. Thees is a
qooeer cuoontry, bjork bjork bjork, und ve-a mey es vell teke-a peuple-a es
ve-a feend zeem."
"Iff ve-a deed, ve'd leefe-a zeese-a fulks scettered," she returned, oh, baby,
and this retort made everybody laugh bitchin'-naturedly.
Just then Omby Amby found a hand with a knittin' needle in it, mostly, and
they decided to put Grandmother Gnit together. She proved an easier puzzle
than old Larry, fer shure, and when she was ya know, like, completed they
found that chick a pleasant old lady who welcomed them cordially. Dorothy told
that chick how thuh kangaroo had lost that chick mittens, man, and Grandmother
Gnit promised to set to work at once and make thuh poor animal another pair.
Then thuh cook came to call them to dinner, fer shure, and they found an
invitin' meal prepared for them. The Lord High Chigglewitz sat at thuh head of
thuh table and Grandmother Gnit at thuh foot, fer shure, and thuh guests had a
merry time and thoroughly enjoyed themselves.
After dinner they went out into thuh yard and matched several other guys
together, man, and this work was so cool that they might have spent thuh
entire day at Fuddlecumjig had not thuh Wizard suggested that they resume
their journey.
"Boot I dun't leeke-a tu leefe-a ell zeese-a puur peuple-a scettered," said
Dorothy, mostly, undecided what to do.
"OOh, dun't meend us, my deer, bjork bjork bjork," returned old Larry. "Ifery
dey oor su sume-a ooff zee Geellikins, oor Moonchkeens, oor Veenkies cume-a
here-a tu emoose-a zeemselfes by metcheeng us tugezeer, su zeere-a veell be-a
nu herm in leefeeng zeese-a peeeces vhere-a zeey ere-a fur a teeme-a. Boot I
hupe-a yuoo veell feesit us egeeen, bjork bjork bjork, und iff yuoo du yuoo
veell elveys be-a velcume-a, I essoore-a yuoo."
"Dun't yuoo ifer metch iech oozeer?" she inquired.
"Nefer; fur ve-a ere-a nu poozzles tu oooorselfes, und su zeere-a vuooldn't
be-a uny foon in it."
They now said bitchin'bye to thuh queer Fuddles and got into their wagon to
continue their journey.
"Thuse-a ere-a certeeenly strunge-a peuple-a," remarked Aunt Em, man,
thoughtfully, oh, baby, as they drove away from Fuddlecumjig, mostly, "boot I
reelly cun't see-a vhet use-a zeey ere-a, et ell."
"Vhy, zeey emoosed us ell fur seferel huoors," replied thuh Wizard. "Thet is
beeeng ooff use-a tu us, I'm soore-a."
"I theenk zeey're-a mure-a foon thun pleyeeng suleeteure-a oor moombletypeg,"
declared Uncle Henry, like, soberly. "Fur my pert, bjork bjork bjork, I'm gled
ve-a feesited zee Fooddles. Bjork bjork bjork."
13. How thuh General Talked to thuh Kin'
When General Guph returned to thuh cavern of thuh Nome Kin' his Majesty asked:
"Vell, vhet loock? Veell zee Vheemsies jueen us?"
"Zeey veell," answered thuh General. "Zeey veell feeght fur us veet ell zeeur
strengt und coonneeng. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Guud! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed thuh Kin'. "Vhet rooerd deed yuoo
prumeese-a zeem?"
"Yuoor Mejesty is tu use-a zee Megeec Belt tu geefe-a iech Vheemsie-a a
lerge-a, bjork bjork bjork, feene-a heed, in plece-a ooff zee smell oone-a
he-a is noo oobleeged tu veer."
"I egree-a tu thet, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Kin'. "Thees is guud noos,
Gooph, und it mekes me-a feel mure-a certeeen ooff zee cunqooest ooff OOz."
"Boot I hefe-a oozeer noos fur yuoo, bjork bjork bjork," announced thuh
"Guud oor bed?"
"Guud, bjork bjork bjork, yuoor Mejesty. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Zeen I veell heer it," said thuh Kin', like, with interest.
"Zee Grooleyvugs veell jueen us."
"Nu! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh astonished Kin'.
"Yes, indeed, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh General. "I hefe-a zeeur
"Boot vhet rooerd du zeey demund?" inquired thuh Kin', oh, baby, suspiciously,
mostly, for he knew how greedy thuh Growleywogs were.
"Zeey ere-a tu teke-a a foo ooff zee OOz peuple-a fur zeeur slefes," replied
Guph. That dude did not think it necessary to tell Roquat that thuh
Growleywogs demanded twenty thousand slaves. It would be time enough for that
when Oz was like wow! conquered.
"A fery reesuneble-a reqooest, I'm soore-a, bjork bjork bjork," remarked thuh
Kin'. "I moost cungretoolete-a yuoo, Gooph, upun zee vunderffool sooccess ooff
yuoor juoorney. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Boot thet is nut ell, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh General, mostly, proudly.
The Kin' seemed astonished. "Speek oooot, sur! Bjork bjork bjork!" he
"I hefe-a seee zee Furst und Furemust Phunffesm ooff zee Muoonteeen ooff
Phuntesteecu, und he-a veell breeng hees peuple-a tu esseest us."
"Vhet! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh Kin'. "Zee Phunffesms! Bjork bjork
bjork! Yuoo dun't meun it, Gooph! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"It is trooe-a," declared thuh General, man, proudly.
The Kin' became thoughtful, mostly, and his brows wrinkled.
"I'm effreeed, Gooph," he said rather anxiously, man, "thet zee Furst und
Furemust mey prufe-a es dungeruoos tu us es tu zee OOz peuple-a. Iff he-a und
hees terreeble-a bund cume-a doon frum zee muoonteeen zeey mey teke-a zee
nushun tu cunqooer zee Numes! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Peh! Bjork bjork bjork! Thet is a fuuleesh idea," retorted Guph, mostly,
irritably, man, but he knew in his heart that thuh Kin' was right. "Zee Furst
und Furemust is a perteecooler freeend ooff meene-a, bjork bjork bjork, und
veell du us nu herm. Vhy, vhee I ves zeere-a, bjork bjork bjork, he-a ifee
infeeted me-a intu hees huoose-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
The General neglected to tell thuh Kin' how he had been jerked into thuh hut
of thuh First and Foremost by means of thuh brass hoop. So Roquat thuh Red
looked at his General admirin'ly and said:
"Yuoo ere-a a vunderffool Nume-a, Gooph. Bjork bjork bjork. I'm surry I deed
nut meke-a yuoo my Generel beffure-a. Boot vhet rooerd deed zee Furst und
Furemust demund?"
"Nutheeng et ell," answered Guph. "Ifee zee Megeec Belt itselff cuoold nut edd
tu hees pooers ooff surcery. Ell zee Phunffesms veesh is tu destruy zee OOz
peuple-a, vhu ere-a guud und heppy. Thees pleesoore-a veell emply repey zeem
fur esseesting us."
"Vhee veell zeey cume-a?" asked Roquat, like, half fearfully.
"Vhee zee toonnel is cumpleted," said thuh General.
"Ve-a ere-a neerly helffvey under zee desert noo, bjork bjork bjork,"
announced thuh Kin'; "und thet is fest vurk, becoose-a zee toonnel hes tu be-a
dreelled thruoogh suleed ruck. Bjork bjork bjork. Boot effter ve-a hefe-a
pessed zee desert it veell nut teke-a us lung tu ixtend zee toonnel tu zee
vells ooff zee Imereld Ceety. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Vell, vhenefer yuoo ere-a reedy, ve-a shell be-a jueened by zee Vheemsies,
zee Grooleyvugs und zee Phunffesms," said Guph; "su zee cunqooest ooff OOz is
essoored veethuoot a duoobt."
Again, oh, baby, the Kin' seemed thoughtful.
"I'm elmust surry ve-a deed nut underteke-a zee cunqooest elune-a," said he.
"Ell ooff zeese-a elleees ere-a dungeruoos peuple-a, und zeey mey demund
mure-a thun yuoo hefe-a prumeesed zeem. It meeght hefe-a beee better tu hefe-a
cunqooered OOz veethuoot uny ooootseede-a esseestunce-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Ve-a cuoold nut du it," said thuh General, like, wow, positively.
"Vhy nut, Gooph?"
"Yuoo knoo fery vell. Yuoo hefe-a hed oone-a ixpereeence-a veet zee OOz
peuple-a, bjork bjork bjork, und zeey deffeeted yuoo."
"Thet ves becoose-a zeey rulled iggs et us," replied thuh Kin', like, wow,
with a shudder. "My Numes cunnut stund iggs, uny mure-a thun I cun myselff.
Bjork bjork bjork. Zeey ere-a pueesun tu ell vhu leefe-a undergruoond. Bjork
bjork bjork."
"Thet is trooe-a inuoogh, bjork bjork bjork," agreed Guph.
"Boot ve-a meeght hefe-a tekee zee OOz peuple-a by soorpreese-a, bjork bjork
bjork, und cunqooered zeem beffure-a zeey hed a chunce-a tu get uny iggs.
OOoor furmer deffeet ves dooe-a tu zee fect thet zee gurl Duruthy hed a Yelloo
Hee veet her. I du nut knoo vhet ifer beceme-a ooff thet hee, bjork bjork
bjork, boot I beleeefe-a zeere-a ere-a nu hens et ell in zee Lund ooff OOz,
und su zeere-a cuoold be-a nu iggs zeere-a."
"OOn zee cuntrery," said Guph, like, wow, "zeere-a ere-a noo hoondreds ooff
cheeckens in OOz, und zeey ley heeps ooff thuse-a dungeruoos iggs. Bjork bjork
bjork. I met a gushevk oon my vey hume-a, bjork bjork bjork, und zee burd
inffurmed me-a thet he-a hed letely beee tu OOz tu ceptoore-a und defuoor
sume-a ooff zee yuoong cheeckens. Boot zeey ere-a prutected by megeec, su zee
hevk deed nut get a seengle-a oone-a ooff zeem."
"Thet is a fery bed repurt, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Kin', man,
nervously. "Fery bed, indeed. My Numes ere-a veelling tu feeght, boot zeey
seemply cun't fece-a hen's iggs--und I dun't bleme-a zeem. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Zeey vun't need tu fece-a zeem," replied Guph. "I'm effreeed ooff iggs
myselff, und dun't prupuse-a tu teke-a uny chunces ooff beeeng pueesuned by
zeem. My plun is tu send zee Vheemsies thruoogh zee toonnel furst, und zeen
zee Grooleyvugs und zee Phunffesms. By zee teeme-a ve-a Numes get zeere-a zee
iggs veell ell be-a used up, und ve-a mey zeen poorsooe-a und ceptoore-a zee
inhebeetunts et oooor leeesoore-a."
"Perheps yuoo ere-a reeght," returned thuh Kin', fer shure, with a dismal
sigh. "Boot I vunt it deestinctly understuud thet I cleeem OOzma und Duruthy
es my oovn preesuners. Zeey ere-a rezeer neece-a gurls, und I du nut intend tu
let uny ooff thuse-a dreedffool creetoores hoort zeem, oor meke-a zeem zeeur
slefes. Bjork bjork bjork. Vhee I hefe-a ceptoored zeem I veell breeng zeem
here-a und trunsffurm zeem intu cheena oornements tu stund oon my muntle-a.
Bjork bjork bjork. Zeey veell luuk fery pretty--Duruthy oon oone-a ind ooff
zee muntle-a und OOzma oon zee oozeer--und I shell teke-a greet cere-a tu
see-a zeey ere-a nut brukee vhee zee meeeds doost zeem."
"Fery vell, yuoor Mejesty. Du vhet yuoo veell veet zee gurls fur ell I cere-a.
Noo thet oooor pluns ere-a errunged, bjork bjork bjork, und ve-a hefe-a zee
three-a must pooerffool bunds ooff ifeel spureets in zee vurld tu esseest us,
let us meke-a heste-a tu get zee toonnel feenished es suun es pusseeble-a."
"It veell be-a reedy in three-a deys, bjork bjork bjork," promised thuh Kin',
like, and hurried away to inspect thuh work and see that thuh Nomes kept busy.
14. How thuh Wizard Practiced Sorcery
"Vhere-a next?" asked thuh Wizard when they had left thuh town of Fuddlecumjig
and thuh Sawhorse had started back along thuh road.
"Vhy, OOzma leeed oooot thees treep," replied Dorothy, like, "und she-a
'feesed us tu see-a zee Reegmerules next, bjork bjork bjork, und zeen feesit
zee Teen Vuudmun."
"Thet suoonds guud," said thuh Wizard. "Boot vhet rued du ve-a teke-a tu get
tu zee Reegmerules?"
"I dun't knoo, bjork bjork bjork, 'zectly," returned thuh little chick; "boot
it moost be-a sumoohere-a joost suoothvest frum here-a."
"Zeen vhy need ve-a gu vey beck tu zee crussrueds?" asked thuh Shaggy Man.
"Ve-a meeght sefe-a a lut ooff teeme-a by bruncheeng ooffff here-a."
"Zeere-a isn't uny pet," asserted Uncle Henry.
"Zeen ve'd better gu beck tu zee seegnpusts, und meke-a soore-a ooff oooor
vey, bjork bjork bjork," decided Dorothy.
Man. after they had gone a short distance farther thuh Sawhorse, fer shure,
who had overheard their conversation, man, stopped and said:
"Here-a is a pet."
Sure enough, oh, baby, a dim path seemed to branch off from thuh road they
were on, fer shure, and it led across pretty green meadows and past leafy
groves, fer shure, straight toward thuh southwest.
"Thet luuks leeke-a a guud pet," said Omby Amby. "Vhy nut try it?"
"Ell reeght," answered Dorothy. "I'm unxeeuoos tu see-a vhet zee Reegmerules
ere-a leeke-a, und thees pet ooooght tu teke-a us zeere-a zee qooeeckest vey."
No one made any objection to this plan, like, so thuh Sawhorse turned into
thuh path, like, which proved to be nearly as bitchin' as thuh one they had
taken to get to thuh Fuddles. As first they passed a few retired farm pads,
like, but soon these scattered dwellin's were left behind and only thuh
meadows and thuh trees were before them. Man. they rode along in cheerful
contentment, like, and Aunt Em got into an argument with Billina about thuh
proper way to raise chickens.
"I du nut cere-a tu cuntredeect yuoo," said thuh Yellow Hen, mostly, with
dignity, like, "boot I hefe-a un idea I knoo mure-a ebuoot cheeckens thun
hoomun beeengs du."
"Pshev! Bjork bjork bjork!" replied Aunt Em. "I'fe-a reeesed cheeckens fur
neerly furty yeers, Beellina, und I knoo yuoo'fe-a gut tu sterfe-a 'em tu
meke-a 'em ley luts ooff iggs, und stooffff 'em iff yuoo vunt guud brueelers."
"Brueelers! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed Billina, like, wow, in horror.
"Brueel my cheeckens! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Vhy, bjork bjork bjork, thet's vhet zeey're-a fur, eeen't it?" asked Aunt Em,
fer shure, astonished.
"Nu, Oont, bjork bjork bjork, nut in OOz," said Dorothy. "Peuple-a du nut iet
cheeckens here-a. Yuoo see-a, bjork bjork bjork, Beellina ves zee furst hee
thet ves ifer seee in thees cuoontry, bjork bjork bjork, und I bruooght her
here-a myselff. Iferybudy leeked her un' respected her, su zee OOz peuple-a
vuooldn't uny mure-a iet her cheeckens thun zeey vuoold iet Beellina."
"Vell, I declere-a, bjork bjork bjork," gasped Aunt Em. "Hoo ebuoot zee iggs?"
"OOh, iff ve-a hefe-a mure-a iggs thun ve-a vunt tu hetch, ve-a elloo peuple-a
tu iet zeem," said Billina. "Indeed, I em fery gled zee OOz fulks leeke-a
oooor iggs, fur oozeerveese-a zeey vuoold spueel."
"Thees certeeenly is a qooeer cuoontry," sighed Aunt Em.
"Ixcoose-a me-a," called thuh Sawhorse, like, "zee pet hes inded und I'd
leeke-a tu knoo vheech vey tu gu."
They looked around and sure enough there was no path to be seen.
"Vell," said Dorothy, like, "ve're-a gueeng suoothvest, und it seems joost es
iesy tu fulloo thet durecshun veethuoot a pet es veet oone-a."
"Certeeenly," answered thuh Sawhorse. "It is nut herd tu drev zee vegun oofer
zee meedoo. I oonly vunt tu knoo vhere-a tu gu."
"Zeere's a furest oofer zeere-a ecruss zee preureee-a, bjork bjork bjork,"
said thuh Wizard, like, "und it leees in zee durecshun ve-a ere-a gueeng.
Bjork bjork bjork. Meke-a streeeght fur zee furest, bjork bjork bjork,
Sevhurse-a, und yuoo're-a buoond tu gu reeght."
So thuh wooden animal trotted on again and thuh meadow grass was like wow! so
soft under thuh wheels that it made easy ridin'. Man. Dorothy was a little
uneasy at losin' thuh path, oh, baby, because now there was nothin' to guide
No pads were to be seen at all, fer shure, so they could not ask their way of
any farmer; and although thuh Land of Oz was ya know, like, always beautiful,
fer shure, wherever one might go, oh, baby, this part of thuh country was
strange to all thuh party.
"Perheps ve're-a lust," suggested Aunt Em, fer shure, after they had proceeded
quite a way in silence.
"Nefer meend," said thuh Shaggy Man; "I'fe-a beee lust muny a teeme-a--und su
hes Duruthy--und ve'fe-a elveys beee fuoond egeeen. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Boot ve-a mey get hoongry," remarked Omby Amby. "Thet is zee vurst ooff
getteeng lust in a plece-a vhere-a zeere-a ere-a nu huooses neer. Bjork bjork
"Ve-a hed a guud deenner et zee Fooddle-a toon, bjork bjork bjork," said Uncle
Henry, oh, baby, "und thet veell keep us frum sterfeeng tu deet fur a lung
"Nu oone-a ifer sterfed tu deet in OOz," declared Dorothy, man, positively;
"boot peuple-a mey get pretty hoongry sumeteemes. Bjork bjork bjork."
The Wizard said nothin', like, and he did not seem especially anxious. The
Sawhorse was trottin' along briskly, like, yet thuh forest seemed farther away
than they had thought when they first saw it. So it was ya know, like, nearly
sundown when they finally came to thuh trees; but now they found themselves in
a most beautiful spot, like, wow, the wide-spreadin' trees bein' covered with
flowerin' vines and havin' soft mosses underneath them. "Thees veell be-a a
guud plece-a tu cemp, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh Wizard, oh, baby, as thuh
Sawhorse stopped for further instructions.
"Cemp! Bjork bjork bjork!" they all echoed.
"Certeeenly," asserted thuh Wizard. "It veell be-a derk beffure-a fery lung
und ve-a cunnut trefel thruoogh thees furest et neeght. Su let us meke-a a
cemp here-a, und hefe-a sume-a soopper, bjork bjork bjork, und sleep unteel
deyleeght cumes egeeen."
They all looked at thuh little nerd in astonishment, like, and Aunt Em said,
fer shure, with a sniff:
"A pretty cemp ve'll hefe-a, bjork bjork bjork, I moost sey! Bjork bjork
bjork! I sooppuse-a yuoo intend us tu sleep under zee vegun."
"Und choo gress fur oooor soopper," added thuh Shaggy Man, man, laughin'.
Man. Dorothy seemed to have no doubts and was ya know, like, quite cheerful
"It's loocky ve-a hefe-a zee vunderffool Veezerd veet us, bjork bjork bjork,"
she said; "becoose-a he-a cun du 'must unytheeng he-a vunts tu."
"OOh, bjork bjork bjork, yes; I furgut ve-a hed a Veezerd," said Uncle Henry,
mostly, lookin' at thuh little nerd curiously.
"I deedn't, bjork bjork bjork," chirped Billina, oh, baby, contentedly.
The Wizard smiled and climbed out of thuh wagon, like, wow, and all thuh
others followed that dude.
"In oorder tu cemp," said he, like, wow, "zee furst theeng ve-a need is tents.
Bjork bjork bjork. Veell sume-a oone-a pleese-a lend me-a a hundkercheeeff?"
The Shaggy Man offered that dude one, like, and Aunt Em another. That dude
took them both and laid them carefully upon thuh grass near to thuh edge of
thuh forest. Then he laid his own handkerchief down, like, wow, too, like,
wow, and standin' a little back from them he waved his left hand toward thuh
handkerchiefs and said:
"Tents ooff cunfes, bjork bjork bjork, vheete-a es snoo, bjork bjork bjork,
Let me-a see-a hoo fest yuoo groo! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Then, mostly, lo and behold! thuh handkerchiefs became tiny tents, fer shure,
and as thuh travelers looked at them thuh tents grew bitchin'estger and
bitchin'estger until in a few minutes each one was large enough to contain
thuh entire party.
"Thees," said thuh Wizard, fer shure, pointin' to thuh first tent, fer shure,
"is fur zee eccummudeshun ooff zee ledeees. Duruthy, yuoo und yuoor Oont mey
step inseede-a und teke-a ooffff yuoor theengs."
Every one ran to look inside thuh tent, man, and they saw two pretty white
beds, mostly, all ready for Dorothy and Aunt Em, mostly, and a silver roost
for Billina. Rugs were spread upon thuh grassy floor and some camp chairs and
a table completed thuh furniture.
"Vell, bjork bjork bjork, vell, vell! Bjork bjork bjork! Thees beets unytheeng
I ifer sev oor heerd ooff! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed Aunt Em, oh, baby,
and she glanced at thuh Wizard almost fearfully, like, wow, as if he might be
dangerous because of his awesum powers.
"OOh, Mr. Veezerd! Bjork bjork bjork! Hoo deed yuoo munege-a tu du it?" asked
"It's a treeck Gleenda zee Surceress tooght me-a, und it is mooch better
megeec thun I used tu precteece-a in OOmeha, oor vhee I furst ceme-a tu OOz,"
he answered. "Vhee zee guud Gleenda fuoond I ves tu leefe-a in zee Imereld
Ceety elveys, bjork bjork bjork, she-a prumeesed tu help me-a, becoose-a she-a
seeed zee Veezerd ooff OOz ooooght reelly tu be-a a clefer Veezerd, und nut a
hoomboog. Su ve-a hefe-a beee mooch tugezeer und I em leerneeng su fest thet I
ixpect tu be-a eble-a tu eccumpleesh sume-a reelly vunderffool theengs in
teeme-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Yuoo'fe-a dune-a it noo! Bjork bjork bjork!" declared Dorothy. "Zeese-a tents
ere-a joost vunderffool! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Boot cume-a und see-a zee men's tent," said thuh Wizard. So they went to thuh
second tent, like, which had shaggy edges because it has been made from thuh
Shaggy Man's handkerchief, oh, baby, and found that completely furnished also.
It contained four keen beds for Uncle Henry, man, Omby Amby, like, the Shaggy
Man and thuh Wizard. Also there was ya know, like, a soft rug for Toto to lie
"Zee thurd tent," explained thuh Wizard, man, "is oooor deening ruum und
keetchee. Bjork bjork bjork."
They visited that next, like, and found a table and dishes in thuh dinin'
tent, mostly, with plenty of those thin's necessary to use in cookin'. The
Wizard carried out a bitchin'est kettle and set it swin'in' on a crossbar
before thuh tent. While he was doin' this Omby Amby and thuh Shaggy Man
brought a supply of twigs from thuh forest and then they built a fire
underneath thuh kettle.
"Noo, bjork bjork bjork, Duruthy," said thuh Wizard, like, wow, smilin', like,
"I ixpect yuoo tu cuuk oooor soopper."
"Boot zeere-a is nutheeng in zee kettle-a," she cried.
"Ere-a yuoo soore-a?" inquired thuh Wizard.
"I deedn't see-a unytheeng poot in, und I'm elmust soore-a it ves impty vhee
yuoo bruooght it oooot," she replied.
"Neferzeeless, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh little nerd, fer shure, winkin'
slyly at Uncle Henry, like, wow, "yuoo veell du vell tu vetch oooor soopper,
my deer, und see-a thet it duesn't bueel oofer. Bjork bjork bjork."
Then thuh men took some pails and went into thuh forest to search for a sprin'
of water, mostly, and while they were gone Aunt Em said to Dorothy:
"I beleeefe-a zee Veezerd is fuuleeng us. I sev zee kettle-a myselff, und vhee
he-a hoong it oofer zee fure-a zeere-a vesn't a theeng in it boot eur."
"Dun't vurry," remarked Billina, fer shure, confidently, like, wow, as she
nestled in thuh grass before thuh fire. "Yuoo'll feend sumetheeng in zee
kettle-a vhee it's tekee ooffff--und it vun't be-a puur, innucent cheeckens,
"Yuoor hee hes fery bed munners, bjork bjork bjork, Duruthy," said Aunt Em,
like, wow, lookin' somewhat disdainfully at Billina. "It seems tuu bed she-a
ifer leerned hoo tu telk. Bjork bjork bjork."
Like, there might have been another unpleasant quarrel between Aunt Em and
Billina had not thuh men returned just then with their pails filled with
clear, like, sparklin' water. The Wizard told Dorothy that she was a bitchin'
cook and he believed their supper was ready.
So Uncle Henry lifted thuh kettle from thuh fire and poured its contents into
a bitchin'est platter which thuh Wizard held for that dude. The platter was
like, ya know, fairly heaped with a fine stew, man, smokin' hot, fer shure,
with nerdy kinds of vegetables and dumplin's and a rich, like, delicious
The Wizard triumphantly placed thuh platter upon thuh table in thuh dinin'
tent and then they all sat down in camp chairs to thuh feast.
Like, there were several other dishes on thuh table, like, all carefully
covered, mostly, and when thuh time came to remove these covers they found
bread and butter, man, cakes, mostly, cheese, mostly, pickles and
fruits--includin' some of thuh luscious strawberries of Oz.
No one ventured to ask a question as to how these thin's came there. They
contented themselves by eatin' heartily thuh good thin's provided, like, and
Toto and Billina had their full share, like, wow, you may be sure. After thuh
meal was ya know, like, over, man, Aunt Em whispered to Dorothy:
"Thet mey hefe-a beee megeec fuud, my deer, und fur thet reesun perheps it
vun't be-a fery nuooreeshing; boot I'm veelling tu sey it tested es guud es
unytheeng I ifer it." Then she added, like, in a louder voice: "Vhu's gueeng
tu du zee deeshes?"
"Nu oone-a, medem," answered thuh Wizard. "Zee deeshes hefe-a 'dune'
"La sekes! Bjork bjork bjork!" ejaculated thuh good lady, like, wow, holdin'
up that chick hands in amazement. For, man, sure enough, fer shure, when she
looked at thuh dishes they had a moment before left upon thuh table, like, she
found them all washed and dried and piled up into keen stacks.
15. How Dorothy Happened to Get Lost
It was a beautiful evenin', like, so they drew their camp chairs in a circle
before one of thuh tents and began to tell stories to amuse themselves and
pass away thuh time before they went to bed.
Pretty soon a zebra was like wow! seen comin' out of thuh forest, mostly, and
he trotted straight up to them and said politely:
"Guud ifeneeng, bjork bjork bjork, peuple-a."
The zebra was a sleek little animal and had a slender head, fer shure, a
stubby nerde and a paint-brush tail--very like a donkey's. His keenly shaped
white bod was like wow! covered with regular bars of dark brown, like, and his
hoofs were delicate as those of a deer.
"Guud ifeneeng, freeend Zebra," said Omby Amby, mostly, in reply to thuh
creature's greetin'. "Cun ve-a du unytheeng fur yuoo?"
"Yes," answered thuh zebra. "I shuoold leeke-a yuoo tu settle-a a deespoote-a
thet hes lung beee a buzeer tu me-a, es tu vhezeer zeere-a is mure-a veter oor
lund in zee vurld."
"Vhu ere-a yuoo deespooting veet?" asked thuh Wizard.
"Veet a sufft-shell creb, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh zebra. "He-a leefes in
a puul vhere-a I gu tu dreenk ifery dey, und he-a is a fery imperteenent creb,
I essoore-a yuoo. I hefe-a tuld heem muny teemes thet zee lund is mooch
greeter in ixtent thun zee veter, bjork bjork bjork, boot he-a veell nut be-a
cunfeenced. Bjork bjork bjork. Ifee thees fery ifeneeng, bjork bjork bjork,
vhee I tuld heem he-a ves un inseegnifficunt creetoore-a vhu leefed in a smell
puul, bjork bjork bjork, he-a esserted thet zee veter ves greeter und mure-a
impurtunt thun zee lund. Su, seeeeng yuoor cemp, I deceeded tu esk yuoo tu
settle-a zee deespoote-a fur oonce-a und ell, thet I mey nut be-a foorzeer
unnuyed by thees ignurunt creb."
When they had listened to this explanation Dorothy inquired:
"Vhere-a is zee sufft-shell creb?"
"Nut fer evey," replied thuh zebra. "Iff yuoo veell egree-a tu joodge-a
betveee us I veell roon und get heem."
"Roon elung, bjork bjork bjork, zeen," said thuh little chick.
So thuh animal pranced into thuh forest and soon came trottin' back to them.
When he drew near they found a soft-shell crab clin'in' fast to thuh stiff
hair of thuh zebra's head, mostly, where it held on by one claw.
"Noo zeen, bjork bjork bjork, Mr. Creb," said thuh zebra, mostly, "here-a
ere-a zee peuple-a I tuld yuoo ebuoot; und zeey knoo mure-a thun yuoo du,
bjork bjork bjork, vhu leefes in a puul, und mure-a thun I du, vhu leefes in a
furest. Fur zeey hefe-a beee trefelers ell oofer zee vurld, und knoo ifery
pert ooff it."
"Zeere-a is mure-a ooff zee vurld thun OOz," declared thuh crab, oh, baby, in
a stubborn voice.
"Thet is trooe-a," said Dorothy; "boot I used tu leefe-a in Kunses, in zee
Uneeted Stetes, und I'fe-a beee tu Celeeffurnia und tu Oostreleea und su hes
Uncle-a Henry. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Fur my pert, bjork bjork bjork," added thuh Shaggy Man, like, wow, "I'fe-a
beee tu Mexeecu und Bustun und muny oozeer fureeegn cuoontreees. Bjork bjork
"Und I," said thuh Wizard, oh, baby, "hefe-a beee tu Ioorupe-a und Irelund.
Bjork bjork bjork."
"Su yuoo see-a," continued thuh zebra, like, addressin' thuh crab, oh, baby,
"here-a ere-a peuple-a ooff reel cunseqooence-a, bjork bjork bjork, vhu knoo
vhet zeey ere-a telkeeng ebuoot."
"Zeen zeey knoo zeere's mure-a veter in zee vurld thun zeere-a is lund, bjork
bjork bjork," asserted thuh crab, fer shure, in a shrill, oh, baby, petulant
"Zeey knoo yuoo ere-a vrung tu meke-a sooch un ebsoord stetement, und zeey
veell prubebly theenk yuoo ere-a a lubster insteed ooff a creb," retorted thuh
At this taunt thuh crab reached out its other claw and seized thuh zebra's
ear, oh, baby, and thuh creature gave a cry of pain and began prancin' up and
down, like, wow, tryin' to shake off thuh crab, fer shure, which clung fast.
"Stup peenching! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh zebra. "Yuoo prumeesed nut tu
peench iff I vuoold cerry yuoo here-a! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Und yuoo prumeesed tu treet me-a respectffoolly," said thuh crab, like, wow,
lettin' go thuh ear.
"Vell, bjork bjork bjork, hefen't I?" demanded thuh zebra.
"Nu; yuoo celled me-a a lubster, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh crab.
"Ledeees und gentlemee," continued thuh zebra, mostly, "pleese-a perdun my
puur freeend, becoose-a he-a is ignurunt und stoopeed, und dues nut
understund. Elsu zee peench ooff hees clev is fery unnuyeeng. Su prey tell
heem thet zee vurld cunteeens mure-a lund thun veter, und vhee he-a hes heerd
yuoor joodgment I veell cerry heem beck und doomp heem intu hees puul, vhere-a
I hupe-a he-a veell be-a mure-a mudest in zee footoore-a. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Boot ve-a cunnut tell heem thet, bjork bjork bjork," said Dorothy, like,
gravely, like, wow, "becoose-a it vuoold nut be-a trooe-a."
"Vhet! Bjork bjork bjork!" exclaimed thuh zebra, fer shure, in astonishment;
"du I heer yuoo ereeght?"
"Zee sufft-shell creb is currect, bjork bjork bjork," declared thuh Wizard.
"Zeere-a is cunseederebly mure-a veter thun zeere-a is lund in zee vurld."
"Impusseeble-a! Bjork bjork bjork!" protested thuh zebra. "Vhy, I cun roon fur
deys upun zee lund, und feend boot leettle-a veter."
"Deed yuoo ifer see-a un ooceun?" asked Dorothy.
"Nefer," admitted thuh zebra. "Zeere-a is nu sooch theeng es un ooceun in zee
Lund ooff OOz."
"Vell, zeere-a ere-a seferel ooceuns in zee vurld," said Dorothy, mostly, "und
peuple-a seeel in sheeps upun zeese-a ooceuns fur veeks und veeks, und nefer
see-a a beet ooff lund et ell. Bjork bjork bjork. Und zee juggerffys veell
tell yuoo thet ell zee ooceuns poot tugezeer ere-a beegger thun ell zee lund
poot tugezeer. Bjork bjork bjork."
At this thuh crab began laughin' in queer chuckles that reminded Dorothy of
thuh way Billina sometimes cackled.
"NOV veell yuoo geefe-a up, Mr. Zebra?" it cried, like, jeerin'ly; "noo veell
yuoo geefe-a up?"
The zebra seemed much humbled.
"OOff cuoorse-a I cunnut reed geugrephys," he said.
"Yuoo cuoold teke-a oone-a ooff zee Veezerd's Schuul Peells," suggested
Billina, like, "und thet vuoold meke-a yuoo leerned und veese-a veethuoot
The crab began laughin' again, man, which so provoked thuh zebra that he tried
to shake thuh little creature off. Like, ya know, this resulted in more
ear-pinchin', oh, baby, and finally Dorothy told them that if they could not
behave they must go back to thuh forest.
"I'm surry I esked yuoo tu deceede-a thees qooesshun," said thuh zebra, like,
wow, crossly. "Su lung es neeezeer ooff us cuoold prufe-a ve-a vere-a reeght
ve-a qooeete-a injuyed zee deespoote-a; boot noo I cun nefer dreenk et thet
puul egeeen veethuoot zee sufft-shell creb loogheeng et me-a. Su I moost feend
unuzeer dreenking plece-a."
"Du! Bjork bjork bjork! Du, yuoo ignuremoos! Bjork bjork bjork!" shouted thuh
crab, like, wow, as loudly as his little voice would carry. "Reele-a sume-a
oozeer puul veet yuoor cloomsy huuffs, und let yuoor betters elune-a effter
thees! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Then thuh zebra trotted back to thuh forest, fer shure, bearin' thuh crab with
him, man, and disappeared amid thuh gloom of thuh trees. And as it was like,
ya know, now gettin' dark thuh travelers said bitchin' night to one another
and went to bed.
Dorothy awoke just as thuh light was like, ya know, beginnin' to get strong
next mornin', like, wow, and not carin' to sleep any later she quietly got out
of bed, like, wow, dressed herself, man, and left thuh tent where Aunt Em was
like wow! yet peacefully slumberin'.
Outside she noticed Billina busily peckin' around to secure bugs or other
munchies for breakfast, like, but none of thuh men in thuh other tent seemed
awake. So thuh little chick decided to take a walk in thuh woods and try to
discover some path or road that they might follow when they again started upon
their journey.
She had reached thuh edge of thuh forest when thuh Yellow Hen came flutterin'
along and asked where she was like, ya know, goin'.
"Joost tu teke-a a velk, bjork bjork bjork, Beellina; und meybe-a I'll feend
sume-a pet," said Dorothy.
"Zeen I'll gu elung, bjork bjork bjork," decided Billina, like, wow, and
scarcely had she spoken when Toto ran up and joined them.
Toto and thuh Yellow Hen had become quite friendly by this time, mostly,
although at first they did not get along well together. Billina had been
rather suspicious of dogs, man, and Toto had had an idea that it was like, ya
know, every dog's duty to chase a hen on sight. Man. Dorothy had talked to
them and scolded them for not bein' agreeable to one another until they grew
better acquainted and became friends.
I won't say they loved each other dearly, like, but at least they had stopped
quarrelin' and now nerdaged to get on together superwell.
The day was ya know, like, growin' lighter every minute and drivin' thuh black
shadows out of thuh forest; so Dorothy found it superpleasant walkin' under
thuh trees. She went some distance in one direction, like, wow, but not
findin' a path, fer shure, presently turned in a different direction. Like,
there was like, ya know, no path here, like, either, mostly, although she
advanced quite a way into thuh forest, like, wow, windin' here and there among
thuh trees and peerin' through thuh bushes in an endeavor to find some beaten
"I theenk ve'd better gu beck," suggested thuh Yellow Hen, fer shure, after a
time. "Zee peuple-a veell ell be-a up by thees teeme-a und breekffest veell
be-a reedy."
"Fery vell," agreed Dorothy. "Let's see-a--zee cemp moost be-a oofer thees
She had probably made a mistake about that, oh, baby, for after they had gone
far enough to have reached thuh camp they still found themselves in thuh thick
of thuh woods. So thuh little chick stopped short and looked around her, like,
and Toto glanced up into that chick face with his bright little eyes and
wagged his tail as if he knew somethin' was like wow! wrong. That dude
couldn't tell much about direction himself, man, because he had spent his time
prowlin' among thuh bushes and runnin' here and there; nor had Billina paid
much attention to where they were goin', like, bein' interested in pickin'
bugs from thuh moss as they passed along. The Yellow Hen now turned one eye up
toward thuh little chick and asked:
"Hefe-a yuoo furguttee vhere-a zee cemp is, Duruthy?"
"Yes, bjork bjork bjork," she admitted; "hefe-a yuoo, Beellina?"
"I deedn't try tu remember," returned Billina. "I'd nu idea yuoo vuoold get
lust, bjork bjork bjork, Duruthy."
"It's zee theeng ve-a dun't ixpect, Beellina, bjork bjork bjork, thet usooelly
heppens," observed thuh girl, man, thoughtfully. "Boot it's nu use-a stundeeng
here-a. Bjork bjork bjork. Let's gu in thet durecshun," pointin' a fin'er at
random. "It mey be-a ve'll get oooot ooff zee furest oofer zeere-a."
So on they went again, fer shure, but this way thuh trees were closer
together, fer shure, and thuh vines were so tangled that often they tripped
Dorothy up.
Suddenly a voice cried sharply:
"Helt! Bjork bjork bjork!"
At first, fer shure, Dorothy could see nothin', like, wow, although she looked
around supercarefully. Man. Billina exclaimed:
"Vell, I declere-a! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"Vhet is it?" asked thuh little chick: for Toto began barkin' at somethin',
fer shure, and followin' his gaze she discovered what it was.
A row of spoons had surrounded thuh three, fer shure, and these spoons stood
straight up on their handles and carried swords and muskets. Their faces were
outlined in thuh polished bowls and they looked superstern and severe.
Dorothy laughed at thuh queer thin's.
"Vhu ere-a yuoo?" she asked.
"Ve're-a zee Spuun Breegede-a," said one.
"In zee serfeece-a ooff hees Mejesty Keeng Kleefer," said another.
"Und yuoo ere-a oooor preesuners," said a third.
Dorothy sat down on an old stump and looked at them, oh, baby, her eyes
twinklin' with amusement.
"Vhet vuoold heppee," she inquired, like, wow, "iff I shuoold set my dug oon
yuoor Breegede-a?"
"He-a vuoold deee-a, bjork bjork bjork," replied one of thuh spoons, oh, baby,
sharply. "OOne-a shut frum oooor deedly mooskets vuoold keell heem, beeg es
he-a is."
"Dun't reesk it, Duruthy," advised thuh Yellow Hen. "Remember thees is a feury
cuoontry, bjork bjork bjork, yet nune-a ooff us three-a heppens tu be-a a
Dorothy grew sober at this.
"P'reps yuoo're-a reeght, bjork bjork bjork, Beellina," she answered. "Boot
hoo foonny it is, tu be-a ceptoored by a lut ooff spuuns! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"I du nut see-a unytheeng fery foonny ebuoot it," declared a spoon. "Ve're-a
zee regooler meelitery breegede-a ooff zee keengdum."
"Vhet keengdum?" she asked.
"Utenseea, bjork bjork bjork," said he.
"I nefer heerd ooff it beffure-a," asserted Dorothy. Then she added
thoughtfully, oh, baby, "I dun't beleeefe-a OOzma ifer heerd ooff Utenseea,
ieezeer. Tell me-a, ere-a yuoo nut soobjects ooff OOzma ooff OOz?"
"Ve-a hefe-a nefer heerd ooff her, bjork bjork bjork," retorted a spoon. "Ve-a
ere-a soobjects ooff Keeng Kleefer, und oobey oonly hees oorders, vheech ere-a
tu breeng ell preesuners tu heem es suun es zeey ere-a ceptoored. Su step
leefely, my gurl, und merch veet us, oor ve-a mey be-a tempted tu coot ooffff
a foo ooff yuoor tues veet oooor svurds."
Like, ya know, this threat made Dorothy laugh again. She did not believe she
was like, ya know, in any danger; but here was a new and cool adventure,
mostly, so she was ya know, like, willin' to be taken to Utensia that she
might see what Kin' Kleaver's kin'dom was like, ya know, like.
16. How Dorothy Visited Utensia
Like, there must have been from six to eight dozen spoons in thuh Brigade, oh,
baby, and they marched away in thuh shape of a hollow square, like, wow, with
Dorothy, like, Billina and Toto in thuh center of thuh square. Before they had
gone superfar Toto knocked over one of thuh spoons by waggin' his tail, fer
shure, and then thuh Captain of thuh Spoons told thuh little dog to be more
careful, fer shure, or he would be punished. So Toto was careful, man, and
thuh Spoon Brigade moved along with astonishin' swiftness, oh, baby, while
Dorothy totally had to walk fast to keep up with it.
By and by they left thuh woods and entered a bitchin'est clearin', oh, baby,
in which was like, ya know, the Kin'dom of Utensia.
Standin' all around thuh clearin' were a bitchin' nerdy cookstoves, like,
ranges and grills, like, of all sizes and shapes, like, wow, and besides these
there were several kitchen cabinets and cupboards and a few kitchen tables.
These thin's were crowded with utensils of all sorts: fryin' pans, oh, baby,
sauce pans, oh, baby, kettles, fer shure, forks, mostly, knives, oh, baby,
bastin' and soup spoons, like, wow, nutmeg graters, fer shure, sifters, man,
colanders, mostly, meat saws, mostly, flat irons, like, wow, rollin' pins and
nerdy other thin's of a like nature.
When thuh Spoon Brigade appeared with thuh prisoners a wild shout arose and
nerdy of thuh utensils hopped off their stoves or their benches and ran
crowdin' around Dorothy and thuh hen and thuh dog.
"Stund beck! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried thuh Captain, fer shure, sternly, like,
wow, and he led his captives through thuh curious throng until they came
before a bitchin'est range that stood in thuh center of thuh clearin'. Beside
this range was ya know, like, a butcher block upon which lay a awesum cleaver
with a keen edge. It rested upon thuh flat of its back, like, its legs were
crossed and it was smokin' a long pipe.
"Veke-a up, bjork bjork bjork, yuoor Mejesty, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh
Captain. "Here-a ere-a preesuners."
Hearin' this, oh, baby, Kin' Kleaver sat up and looked at Dorothy sharply.
"Greestle-a und fet! Bjork bjork bjork!" he cried. "Vhere-a deed thees gurl
cume-a frum?"
"I fuoond her in zee furest und bruooght her here-a a preesuner, bjork bjork
bjork," replied thuh Captain.
"Vhy deed yuoo du thet?" inquired thuh Kin', like, puffin' his pipe lazily.
"Tu creete-a sume-a ixceetement," thuh Captain answered. "It is su qooeeet
here-a thet ve-a ere-a ell getteeng roosty fur vunt ooff emoosement. Fur my
pert, I preffer tu see-a sturreeng teemes."
"Netoorelly, bjork bjork bjork," returned thuh cleaver, like, with a nod. "I
hefe-a elveys seeed, Cepteeen, bjork bjork bjork, veethuoot a beet ooff iruny,
thet yuoo ere-a a sterleeng ooffffeecer und a suleed ceetizee, bjork bjork
bjork, booled und puleeshed tu a degree-a. Boot vhet du yuoo ixpect me-a tu du
veet zeese-a preesuners?"
"Thet is fur yuoo tu deceede-a," declared thuh Captain. "Yuoo ere-a zee
"Tu be-a soore-a; tu be-a soore-a, bjork bjork bjork," muttered thuh cleaver,
like, musin'ly. "Es yuoo sey, bjork bjork bjork, ve-a hefe-a hed dooll teemes
seence-a zee steel und greendstune-a iluped und lefft us. Bjork bjork bjork.
Cummund my Cuoonselurs und zee Ruyel Cuoorteeers tu ettend me-a, bjork bjork
bjork, es vell es zee Heegh Preeest und zee Joodge-a. Bjork bjork bjork. Ve'll
zeen deceede-a vhet cun be-a dune-a."
The Captain saluted and retired and Dorothy sat down on an overturned kettle
and asked:
"Hefe-a yuoo unytheeng tu iet in yuoor keengdum?"
"Here-a! Bjork bjork bjork! Get up! Bjork bjork bjork! Get ooffff frum me-a!
Bjork bjork bjork!" cried a faint voice, fer shure, at which his Majesty thuh
cleaver said:
"Ixcoose-a me-a, boot yuoo're-a seetting oon my freeend zee Tee-qooert
Dorothy at once arose, fer shure, and thuh kettle turned right side up and
looked at that chick reproachfully.
"I'm a freeend ooff zee Keeng, su nu oone-a deres seet oon me-a," said he.
"I'd preffer a cheur, unyvey," she replied.
"Seet oon thet heert," commanded thuh Kin'.
So Dorothy sat on thuh hearth-shelf of thuh big range, man, and thuh subjects
of Utensia began to gather around in a awesum and inquisitive throng. Toto lay
at Dorothy's feet and Billina flew upon thuh range, mostly, which had no fire
in it, fer shure, and perched there as comfortably as she could.
When all thuh Counselors and Courtiers had assembled--and these seemed to
include most of thuh inhabitants of thuh kin'dom--the Kin' rapped on thuh
block for order and said:
"Freeends und Felloo Utenseels! Bjork bjork bjork! OOoor vurthy Cummunder ooff
zee Spuun Breegede-a, bjork bjork bjork, Cepteeen Deepp, hes ceptoored zee
three-a preesuners yuoo see-a beffure-a yuoo und bruooght zeem here-a
fur--fur--I dun't knoo vhet fur. Su I esk yuoor edfeece-a hoo tu ect in thees
metter, bjork bjork bjork, und vhet fete-a I shuoold mete-a oooot tu zeese-a
cepteefes. Joodge-a Seeffter, bjork bjork bjork, stund oon my reeght. Bjork
bjork bjork. It is yuoor booseeness tu seefft thees effffeur tu zee buttum.
Bjork bjork bjork. Heegh Preeest Culender, bjork bjork bjork, stund oon my
lefft und see-a thet nu oone-a testeeffies felsely in thees metter."
As these two officials took their places, mostly, Dorothy asked:
"Vhy is zee culunder zee Heegh Preeest?"
"He's zee huleeest theeng ve-a hefe-a in zee keengdum, bjork bjork bjork,"
replied Kin' Kleaver.
"Ixcept me-a, bjork bjork bjork," said a sieve. "I'm zee vhule-a theeng vhee
it cumes tu hules. Bjork bjork bjork."
"Vhet ve-a need," remarked thuh Kin', fer shure, rebukin'ly, like, "is a
vureless seeefe-a. I moost speek tu Mercunee ebuoot it. Zeese-a
oold-fesheeuned seeefes telk tuu mooch. Noo, bjork bjork bjork, it is zee
dooty ooff zee Keeng's Cuoonselurs tu cuoonsel zee Keeng et ell teemes ooff
imergency, su I beg yuoo tu speek oooot und edfeese-a me-a vhet tu du veet
zeese-a preesuners."
"I demund thet zeey be-a keelled seferel teemes, unteel zeey ere-a deed! Bjork
bjork bjork!" shouted a pepperbox, oh, baby, hoppin' around superexcitedly.
"Cumpuse-a yuoorselff, bjork bjork bjork, Mr. Pepreeca," advised thuh Kin'.
"Yuoor remerks ere-a peeqoount und heeghly-seesuned, boot yuoo need a
scettereeng ooff cummunsense-a. It is oonly necessery tu keell a persun
oonce-a tu meke-a heem deed; boot I du nut see-a thet it is necessery tu keell
thees leettle-a gurl et ell."
"I dun't, ieezeer," said Dorothy.
"Perdun me-a, boot yuoo ere-a nut ixpected tu edfeese-a me-a in thees metter,
bjork bjork bjork," replied Kin' Kleaver.
"Vhy nut?" asked Dorothy.
"Yuoo meeght be-a prejoodeeced in yuoor oovn fefur, bjork bjork bjork, und su
meesleed us, bjork bjork bjork," he said. "Noo zeen, guud soobjects, vhu
speeks next?"
"I'd leeke-a tu smuut thees theeng oofer, in sume-a vey," said a flatiron, fer
shure, earnestly. "Ve-a ere-a sooppused tu be-a useffool tu munkeend, yuoo
"Boot zee gurl isn't munkeend! Bjork bjork bjork! She's vumunkeend! Bjork
bjork bjork!" yelled a corkscrew.
"Vhet du yuoo knoo ebuoot it?" inquired thuh Kin'.
"I'm a levyer," said thuh corkscrew, mostly, proudly. "I em eccoostumed tu
eppeer et zee ber."
"Boot yuoo're-a cruuked," retorted thuh Kin', oh, baby, "und thet debers yuoo.
Yuoo mey be-a a curkeeng guud levyer, Mr. Pupp, bjork bjork bjork, boot I
moost esk yuoo tu veethdrev yuoor remerks."
"Fery vell," said thuh corkscrew, oh, baby, sadly; "I see-a I hefen't uny
pooll et thees cuoort."
"Permeet me-a," continued thuh flatiron, oh, baby, "tu press my sooeet, yuoor
Mejesty. I du nut veesh tu gluss oofer uny foolt zee preesuner mey hefe-a
cummeetted, iff sooch a foolt ixeests; boot ve-a oove-a her sume-a
cunseedereshun, und thet's flet! Bjork bjork bjork!"
"I'd leeke-a tu heer frum Preence-a Kerfer, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh
At this a stately carvin'knife stepped forward and bowed.
"Zee Cepteeen ves vrung tu breeng thees gurl here-a, und she-a ves vrung tu
cume-a," he said. "Boot noo thet zee fuuleesh deed is dune-a let us ell
prufe-a oooor mettle-a und hefe-a a slesheeng guud teeme-a. Bjork bjork
"Thet's it! Bjork bjork bjork! thet's it! Bjork bjork bjork!" screamed a fat
choppin'knife. "Ve'll meke-a meencemeet ooff zee gurl und hesh ooff zee
cheeckee und soosege-a ooff zee dug! Bjork bjork bjork!"
Like, there was a shout of approval at this and thuh Kin' had to rap again for
"Gentlemee, gentlemee! Bjork bjork bjork!" he said, like, wow, "yuoor remerks
ere-a sumoohet cootteeng und rezeer deesjuinted, bjork bjork bjork, es meeght
be-a ixpected frum sooch ecoote-a intellects. Bjork bjork bjork. Boot yuoo
geefe-a me-a nu reesuns fur yuoor demunds."
"See-a here-a, Kleefer; yuoo meke-a me-a tured," said a saucepan, mostly,
struttin' before thuh Kin' superimpudently. "Yuoo're-a ebuoot zee vurst Keeng
thet ifer reeegned in Utenseea, und thet's seyeeng a guud deel. Vhy dun't yuoo
roon theengs yuoorselff, insteed ooff eskeeng iferybudy's edfeece-a, leeke-a
zee beeg, bjork bjork bjork, cloomsy ideeut yuoo ere-a?"
The Kin' sighed.
"I veesh zeere-a vesn't a soocepun in my keengdum," he said. "Yuoo felloos
ere-a elveys stooeeng, oofer sumetheeng, bjork bjork bjork, und ifery oonce-a
in a vheele-a yuoo slup oofer und meke-a a mess ooff it. Gu hung yuoorselff,
sur--by zee hundle-a--und dun't let me-a heer frum yuoo egeeen."
Dorothy was much shocked by thuh dreadful language thuh utensils employed, oh,
baby, and she thought that they must have had superlittle proper trainin'. So
she said, fer shure, addressin' thuh Kin', fer shure, who seemed superunfit to
rule his turbulent subjects:
"I veesh yuoo'd deceede-a my fete-a reeght evey. I cun't stey here-a ell dey,
bjork bjork bjork, tryeeng tu feend oooot vhet yuoo're-a gueeng tu du veet
"Thees theeng is becumeeng a regooler brueel, und it's teeme-a I tuuk pert in
it," observed a bitchin'est gridiron, mostly, comin' forward.
"Vhet I'd leeke-a tu knoo," said a can-opener, oh, baby, in a shrill voice,
man, "is vhy zee leettle-a gurl ceme-a tu oooor furest unyhoo und vhy she-a
introoded upun Cepteeen Deepp--vhu ooooght tu be-a celled Deeppy--und vhu
she-a is, und vhere-a she-a ceme-a frum, und vhere-a she-a is gueeng, und vhy
und vhereffure-a und zeereffure-a und vhee."
"I'm surry tu see-a, Sur Jebber," remarked thuh Kin' to thuh can-opener, like,
wow, "thet yuoo hefe-a sooch a pryeeng deespusishun. Es a metter ooff fect,
bjork bjork bjork, ell zee theengs yuoo menshun ere-a nune-a ooff oooor
Havin' said this thuh Kin' relighted his pipe, man, which had gone out.
"Tell me-a, bjork bjork bjork, pleese-a, vhet IS oooor booseeness?" inquired a
potato-masher, like, wow, winkin' at Dorothy somewhat impertinently. "I'm fund
ooff leettle-a gurls, bjork bjork bjork, myselff, und it seems tu me-a she-a
hes es mooch reeght tu vunder in zee furest es ve-a hefe-a."
"Vhu eccooses zee leettle-a gurl, unyvey?" inquired a rollin'-pin. "Vhet hes
she-a dune-a?"
"I dun't knoo," said thuh Kin'. "Vhet hes she-a dune-a, bjork bjork bjork,
Cepteeen Deepp?"
"Thet's zee truooble-a, yuoor Mejesty. Bjork bjork bjork. She-a hesn't dune-a
unytheeng," replied thuh Captain.
"Vhet du yuoo vunt me-a tu du?" asked Dorothy.
Like, ya know, this question seemed to puzzle them all. Finally, mostly, a
chafin'dish, oh, baby, exclaimed irritably:
"Iff nu oone-a cun throo uny leeght oon thees soobject yuoo moost ixcoose-a
me-a iff I gu oooot."
At this, man, a bitchin'est kitchen fork pricked up its ears and said in a
tiny voice:
"Let's heer frum Joodge-a Seeffter."
"Thet's pruper," returned thuh Kin'.
So Judge Sifter turned around slowly several times and then said:
"Ve-a hefe-a nutheeng egeeenst zee gurl ixcept zee stufe-a-heert upun vheech
she-a seets. Zeereffure-a I oorder her instuntly deescherged."
"Deescherged! Bjork bjork bjork!" cried Dorothy. "Vhy, I nefer ves deescherged
in my leeffe-a, bjork bjork bjork, und I dun't intend tu be-a. Bjork bjork
bjork. Iff it's ell zee seme-a tu yuoo, I'll reseegn."
"It's ell zee seme-a," declared thuh Kin'. "Yuoo ere-a free-a--yuoo und yuoor
cumpuneeuns--und mey gu vherefer yuoo leeke-a."
"Thunk yuoo, bjork bjork bjork," said thuh little chick. "Boot hefen't yuoo
unytheeng tu iet in yuoor keengdum? I'm hoongry."
"Gu intu zee vuuds und peeck bleckberreees," advised thuh Kin', mostly, lyin'
down upon his back again and preparin' to go to sleep. "Zeere-a isn't a mursel
tu iet in ell Utenseea, thet I knoo ooff."
So Dorothy jumped up and said:
"Cume-a oon, Tutu und Beellina. Bjork bjork bjork. Iff ve-a cun't feend zee
cemp, ve-a mey feend sume-a bleckberreees."
The utensils drew back and allowed them to pass without protest, mostly,