NR: FINAL Edit/Rewrite/Touchup 11, 12, 13 and epilogue. #7683
Conversation
github-actions
bot
added
the
Campaign (any)
data/campaigns/Northern_Rebirth/scenarios/11a_The_Eastern_Flank.cfg
Outdated
Show resolved
Hide resolved
data/campaigns/Northern_Rebirth/scenarios/11a_The_Eastern_Flank.cfg
Outdated
Show resolved
Hide resolved
data/campaigns/Northern_Rebirth/scenarios/11a_The_Eastern_Flank.cfg
Outdated
Show resolved
Hide resolved
| music=love_theme.ogg | ||
| [/part] | ||
| [part] | ||
| story= _ "Sobbing against Tallin’s chest, Eryssa told him of the many ways Hidel had cherished and warded her since the hour of her birth. How he had comforted her childhood hurts; how in later years, he had guided her in the green paths of the forest, and taught her the deep mysteries of elven-kind." | ||
| story= _ "Sobbing against Tallin’s chest, Eryssa told him of the many ways Hidel had cherished and warded her and her sister since the hour of their birth. How he had comforted their childhood hurts; how in later years, he had guided them in the green paths of the forest, and taught them the deep mysteries of elven-kind." |
There was a problem hiding this comment.
I think it's okay to have this line just be about her instead of her and Elenia.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
But I don't like how Elenia (who is her younger sister) disappears. Even if she's dead, I think the princess would mention her.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Sure thing, you can go ahead and add more events/lines for Eryssa to talk about Elenia.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
You mean, leave this one or delete it and add some elsewhere? A lot of places you could probably skip it, but if it's something like their dad dying (Adopted dad) that'd make me think of my siblings.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Somehow it feels a bit awkward to me here. You could revert this to the original and then add in extra snippets about how Hidel was so nice to her baby sister too?
There was a problem hiding this comment.
That's basically what I did...
Could you give me an example on what you mean?
There was a problem hiding this comment.
I guess it's mainly about the "hour of their birth" sounds like they're twins when they're not.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Removing hour of birth.
| image=wesnoth-icon.png | ||
| [/message] | ||
| [/else] | ||
| [/if] | ||
| [message] | ||
| speaker=narrator | ||
| message= _ "In time, Knalga’s caverns were refurbished, becoming a busy and prosperous home to many dwarves. Under the protection of the Northern Alliance, people of all races began coming, as they did before, from all corners of the known — and unknown — world to trade with the Dwarves of Knalga." | ||
| message= _ "In time, Knalga’s caverns were restored, and became a busy and prosperous home to many dwarves. Under the protection of the Northern Alliance, people of all races began coming, as they did before, from all corners of the known — and unknown — world to trade with the Dwarves of Knalga." |
There was a problem hiding this comment.
No comma in the revised one.
Wedge009
changed the title
| [/message] | ||
| [/then] | ||
| [else] | ||
| [message] | ||
| id=Tallin | ||
| message= _ "Hidel’s death was a grievous loss; our thirst for vengeance must do what the stolen gold cannot. Now let’s run down Rakshas and settle up with him once and for all." | ||
| message= _ "Hidel’s death was a grievous loss; our thirst for vengeance must do what the stolen gold cannot. Now let’s run down Rakshas and settle this once and for all." |
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Agreed with removing the redundant wording here and line 585, but this is an either-or situation - perhaps make it consistent to have both say 'settle' or both say 'end'?
There was a problem hiding this comment.
It makes certain, if you play the story through a different way, it's not all the same. (Joke)
| [/message] | ||
| [message] | ||
| speaker=narrator | ||
| message= _ "Father Morvin and his wife saw to the wounded as the rest set about preparing a vicroty feast." |
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Spelling mistake in 'vicroty'. You don't use a spell-checker?
There was a problem hiding this comment.
I do, but it's LanguageTool in VS Code and it stinks.
I am seriously considering trying to write a writing program specifically for plain text game files, like those for Wesnoth 0 A.D. and endless sky
There was a problem hiding this comment.
The typo is still in the current version on Github.
| @@ -131,15 +131,15 @@ | |||
| [/message] | |||
| [message] | |||
| id=Father Morvin | |||
| message= _ "This body would not claim sovereignty over any peoples or lands, but exist only to suppress warfare and raiding in the lands south and east of the Great Ocean, north of Wesnoth and west of the elvish forests." | |||
| message= _ "This body would not claim sovereignty over any peoples or lands, but exist to suppress warfare and raiding in the lands south and east of the Great Ocean, north of Wesnoth and west of the elvish forests." | |||
There was a problem hiding this comment.
While I suppose what becomes the Northern Alliance does more than what Morvin suggests here, I think the point of the 'only' is to reinforce that the body Morvin proposes will not be a new faction staking its own claim to the lands of the North.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Anyone else want to weigh in?
There was a problem hiding this comment.
You can leave the original then.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Ok, did it.
TheShadowOfHassen
force-pushed
the
rewrite-part-7
branch
from
169aa4c to
f388eb0
Compare
data/campaigns/Northern_Rebirth/scenarios/11a_The_Eastern_Flank.cfg
Outdated
Show resolved
Hide resolved
|
@nemaara Is a rewrite of NR still expected during 1.19/1.20? I worry that we'll push a lot of small changes to the translators, yet tell them that these strings will only be used for one release. |
data/campaigns/Northern_Rebirth/scenarios/11a_The_Eastern_Flank.cfg
Outdated
Show resolved
Hide resolved
| [/message] | ||
|
|
||
| [message] | ||
| speaker=Tallin | ||
| message= _ "Foul one, the only one who will be dying here is you and anyone who comes between us. Stand and fight!" | ||
| message= _ "Foul one, the only one who will be dying here is you. Stand and fight!" |
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Original seems more logical to me
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Anyone else want to weigh in?
There was a problem hiding this comment.
I dunno I like the concise version.
| @@ -390,7 +390,7 @@ | |||
| [then] | |||
| [message] | |||
| speaker=Tallin | |||
| message= _ "Blast it! The coward has fled. Eryssa, your elves are good at moving quickly through the forests. Do you think they can overtake and pin him down while we deal with this fortress?" | |||
| message= _ "Blast it! The coward has fled. Eryssa, your elves are good at moving quickly through the forests. Do you think they can overtake him while we deal with this fortress?" | |||
There was a problem hiding this comment.
"pin him down" seems better to me, implying that they won't have enough troops to win, just enough to delay
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Overtake could mean the same thing.
| @@ -23,74 +23,81 @@ | |||
| [story] | |||
| [part] | |||
| # wmllint: local spelling Angthurim | |||
| story= _ "After reducing Castle Angthurim, the party set off after Rakshas, hoping that Hidel’s elves had been able to hold him." | |||
| story= _ "After conquering Castle Angthurim, the party set off after Rakshas, hoping that Hidel’s elves had been able to hold him." | |||
There was a problem hiding this comment.
There's an English phrase "reduce to rubble", meaning to destroy the castle. To me, "reducing" suggests not being worried about how much damage was done to the castle, while "conquering" suggests ending up with a usable defensive structure.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
People don't know reducing in that way anymore. You could use something like destroy or sacking if you wanted something else.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
But they also wouldn't necessarily have destroyed the castle, we don't show that in the scenario at all.
There was a problem hiding this comment.
They also don't have anything to destroy it with.
Hold on, what? You mean you're going to switch to that version of Northern Rebirth?!? Aside from the fact that I just spent at least ten hours editing this, that one does not have any of the fun light hearted cool style as this. I didn't like the look of it. Not putting aside the fact that I've worked on this. I just spent ten hours on this and in a few releases it's not going to matter? Why didn't someone tell me? |
|
I think it's not that likely because I'm not entirely happy with that version either, I want any real rework to be extremely high quality before we add it and I'm somehow having trouble writing that one in a way I feel is compelling. I would remind you that plenty of us have spent thousands of hours on this game and I have also made scenarios that have taken more than ten hours of making and playtesting and axed them because they simply weren't good enough. UMC authors also encounter the same issues (on tens if not more hours of work) with release to release backend changes and some even get abandoned because they don't have time to port anymore. I'm sure you know novel writers also have the same thing happen to their books when they go through editing (entire chapters being removed sometimes). It's part of the process of revising and improving the quality of the game. That notwithstanding, the standard dev cycle is also 2 years which is a preeeetty long time when we're talking about games. This isn't literature or visual art or anything like that. So it's not like this would go in and in a flash be gone even should we get to the revised NR. |
|
@nemaara If it does get significantly changed again in 1.19, would it be a wholesale replacement or would it incorporate the changes made here as well? If it's not going to incorporate any of these changes, then I'd agree that should've been mentioned up front. Or if it's already very unlikely, then can it be said that it won't happen in 1.19? |
|
A wholesale replacement means entirely rewriting the campaign so this kind of editing (by which I mean revising the wording without adding new content) definitely would not be incorporated. But like I said it's not likely to happen in 1.19, I think any NR revision needs more scrutiny and testing than I have the ability to provide (given the other projects underway). We can target a NR revision in 1.21 if the other things go well. |
|
Ok, I was mostly just worried/mad that i was doing all of this and it'd be overwritten in the next release. I'm OK with my work eventually being phased out, but if people thought it wouldn't be worth the translator's time, I was thinking what about me? However, If you want another head on a Northern Rebirth rewrite, I'd like to help. I do want to try to write a campaign myself eventually, however I stink at art and I have no idea about the game design and so working with someone else would help at least with the game design.. Also, besides, I've invested a lot of time making NR better, and I'd like to see that through. It should be, however, that a NR rewrite should keep the big battle mechanic and it's quirky hybrid of modern/ old time words. It's wording was refreshing after 8+ serious epic fantasy sounding stories. I'm not on Discord however, so I have no idea how I could participate in something like that. |
|
The reason that I was more worried about the translators' time is that it's not 1 translator's time, it's about 15 separate translators' time, and some of them will be using tools that aren't as good as Github's PRs for highlighting differences in long paragraphs. |
Co-authored-by: nemaara <nemaara@users.noreply.github.com>
|
Looks like that's the last one, congrats on finishing the touchup! |
|
It was a ton of work. I'm open to help in other ways like this. If people have another campaign that they wanted edited I can do it. Is there a way I can keep a bit closer eye on wesnoth's story without joining discord? I saw there was a forum but in my experence when discord is used forums are not... |
|
There's also IRC, if you prefer that. |
Thanks for the work. Wait for @nemaara to reply, but right now, I think having more proofreaders working on WoF would be good. It's already polished, so there shouldn't be anything to change, but very few of the translation teams have translated it yet, so this is the ideal time for edits both big and small. |
|
We would also need @Jonathan-Kelly 's input for any changes to WoF. However, as he's the original author and is around, I won't be approving editorial style changes to WoF, only proofreading and sentences that are incredibly hard to read (which I didn't really see many if any of during my proofread). The other candidates are The Sceptre of Fire and Son of the Black Eye if those interest you. |
I don't like instant messaging, mostly because I don't have consistent internet. I got an account on the forums. If someone wants to message me there with information, I have the same name. (ShadowOfHassen) If one of you want to say hi. I'll pass on wings of fire. I'll play it before I complain about grammar. (I'm excited about the scenario so I don't want it spoiled.) I took a quick look at scepter of fire, and it looks pretty grammatically well. I'll double-check it and make a PR with any changes I think it needs. I don't think It'll need much. I haven't played Son of the black eye. I am less excited about an orc campaign so I might just spoil it for myself and read it. However, it might be a while before I can do some editing. I am sort of busy. But we'll see. |
| [/part] | ||
|
|
||
| [part] | ||
| story= _ "Slowly Tallin aproached her. He hesitated before wrapping her gently in his arms." |
There was a problem hiding this comment.
Missed a spelling mistake on 'aproached'. 1.17.18 tag is in place - is there a string freeze on master?
Ok so last one. This one, unfortunately, is a bit more towards the rewrite on the spectrum than edit/ touch up. You'll see why below.
Most changes should be self-explanatory, but for the ones that are not, I have a changelog/ commentary.
11a_The_Eastern_Flank:
In both line 283 and 298 reduce seems like the wrong word. I changed the word to something different that is in line with their character.
In line 356: Can you bring someone a head without killing them?
In line 546 I changed fell to perilous because it sounded more elfy
12a_Get_the_Gold:
I rewrote a large chunk of the introduction because it would fit if Hidel was in with the rest of the orcs.
In line 70 it seems that the earth thing seems a bit dwarfy. Do you think I should change it?
Also, I haven't edited it, but I thought all the ... weren't necessary. If you want, I can rewrite it to seem like he's dying and not put so many ...
I edited line 87 so that Eryssa's sister was mentioned.
I removed watch in 460 because the sentences were awkward.
13a_Showdown:
I notice some repeat code and some comments referencing if Eryssa is dead, except I know if she dies, you lost the game. Maybe someone who knows the wesnoth script might want to look at it and see if there's some stuff that can be placed in functions and/or deleted?
I added one last narrator bit at the end, so I could rewrite a bit of the epilogue to make it less convoluted. I mean, where did the party in the epilogue come from?
14_a_Epilogue
There wasn't anything major except for the first paragraph, which I rewrote to make it a bit more to point.
Well It's done now, at least my revision is.
In this campaign, Camerin was my favorite character. In fact, next to Moremirmu he's my favorite character in the entire wesnoth game. Seeing how close the events in the two campaigns line up, I'd love to have a campaign with them in it together.
Also, I don't want to get on discord, but if people think another campaign needs to be edited, or just want another set of eyes looking at some text, I'd be happy to. Just @ me and I should be notified, and I'll take a look.