Rules of Tech Support - management.txt

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Dealing with Management

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Rule M1 - Management might find these rules. Plead ignorance.

Rule M2 - Never believe anything management tells you.
Rule M2A - Especially if a merger or bad news is involved.

Rule M3 - Management will order stuff they have no clue about.
Rule M3A - Management will expect the thing they bought to work perfectly out of the box.
Rule M3B - You will be blamed when it doesn't work.
Rule M3C - Especially when this is the first you are learning of this item even existing.

Rule M4 - Management will be puzzled as to why you have no clue about the thing they have no clue about...

Rule M5 - Management will expect you to be up to speed on their under the table projects, with decisions based only on what the salesman says, without consulting IT.

Rule M6 - Your boss will not have a tech background or a degree in your field.

Rule M7 - Management will present impossible tasks to be done.
Rule M7A - Management will then become outraged that said tasks were not completed.

Rule M8 - Management will blame you when things do not work.
Rule M8A - Even if the equipment is not IT related.
Rule M8B - Even if the equipment is IT related but is property of a third-party and thus their responsibility.

Rule M9 - Management will blame you if anything that was completed does not meet their expectations (they won't), no matter how difficult they were.

Rule M10 - If a project makes sense, something is wrong.

Rule M11 - If it's free or very cheap, management will think that it cannot be as good as the commercial stuff.

Rule M12 - Not all management is bad. Seriously.

Rule M13 - Do not, in any circumstances, send private *anything* via email. Especially if you're the CEO.

Rule M14 - You will never get interviewed by anyone who will actually understand your answers.

Rule M15 - Management will give you a budget of zero dollars and expect you to work miracles.
Rule M15A - “Boss paralysis” happens when they ask you a question that needs a numeric answer, and they become catatonic until you say a number. Failing to recognize the nature of this condition may result in you having a budget of $911.

Rule M16 - Management never wants to pay to upgrade anything.
Rule M16A - Unless it's for management.

Rule M17 - Managers might fire you for going outside the scope of your job.
Rule M17A - Managers will tell you to go outside the scope of your job, even if you don't report to them.
Rule M17B - Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't.

Rule M18 - Better tools and solutions exist. You just either don't know about them or you can't afford them. Even if you can, management won't let you get them.

Rule M19 - Management only cares about productivity that is reported.
Rule M19A - Find out what figure they think is the most important and focus your efforts on that.

Rule M20 - Management will have you do their job for them.

Rule M21 - Management will take away your tools and expect you to use the same equipment as every one else and yet expect you to do your job anyway.

Rule M22 - Being a tech in management doesn't make you exempt from the Rules, even *Rule M1* (when it comes to dealing with upper management).

Rule M23 - Management will tell you to do someone else's job but only give credit to them.

Rule M24 - Management (and coworkers) will treat the help better than they treat you.

Rule M25 - The OSI model has layer 8 (user) and layer 9 (management).

Rule M26 - Managers often have a checklist, which no one else will care about.

Rule M27 - Managers will ask you to do something that is stupid/expensive/won’t work.
Rule M27A - When they do, always ask for it in writing to CYA.
Rule M27B - If they give it in writing, send a copy to your personal e-mail address.

Rule M28 - Buzzwords rule all decisions.


Rule MAN - Who your manager is likely to be.