Conflict is energy
- People need to be very self-aware to know that discrepancy between what they want, what the situation is, and how they feel about it
The purpose of conflict is to create -- Michael Meade
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Broad generalisations in the first chapter
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Famous people: did they struggle with or struggle against.... did MLK really "struggled with" for a win-win situation? or was he a rebel fighting for his beliefs?
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Two outcomes for conflict: drama and compassion
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Compassionate people handle conflict better
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NVC talks about acknowledging how the other person is feeling, even if you don't agree with it. Because everyone wants to be heard. And this is in other ways compassion.
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If conflict is not addressed, it festers and gets worse
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Practice will be useful, and will make handling conflict in the future easier. Also be prepared to take the risk, and having those conversations.
Drama is what happens when people struggle against themselves or each other, with or without awareness, to feel justified about their negative behaviour.
- Drama is about struggling against
- Drama happens with or without awareness
- Feeling justified is the modus operandi in drama — people are spending enormous amounts of energy trying to feel justified
- Drama is all about negative attention behaviour
- Drama is fuelled by myths
Dr Taibi Kahler:
- Myth 1. You can make me feel good emotionally.
- Myth 2. You can make me feel bad emotionally.
- Myth 3. I can make you feel good emotionally.
- Myth 4. I can make you feel bad emotionally.
"Nobody can make you feel a certain way."
Dr Stephen Karpman (psychiatrist, athelete, and more!) developed models for offense and defense in sports and continued that work into interpersonal relations. He developed the Drama Triangle describing how three different negative roles play off each other to perpetuate unhealthy behaviour.
Nature hates a vacuum and so every role actively recruits for other roles to fill the gap. It's an equilateral triangle to indicate equal responsibility.
- Resorts to criticism, questioning motives, accusations, and insults
- Driven by the belief that the individual is OK and others are not OK, so therefore it’s OK to behave this way
- Myth: you can make others feel bad to get what you want
- Sacrifice respect for being feared
- Victims overadapt, surrender, lose assertiveness, accept blame for things they didn’t do, and internalize the negative energy around them to avoid conflict and rejection
- Driven by the belief that others are OK, but they are not OK, therefore it’s OK for people to mistreat them
- Myth: others make them feel bad to coerce them into doing things, or they can make them feel good by approving of them or showing pity
- These emotions also invite criticism from other Persecutors who are frustrated with their avoidance, mistakes and lack of assertiveness. This disapproval serves to further reinforce their feelings of worthlessness.
- Sacrifice self-worth in the interest of keeping the peace and avoiding conflict
- Meddles in other people's business and offers unsolicited advice
- Driven by the belief that they're OK and others would be more OK if they'd just let him help them, therefore it's OK to behave this way
- Myth: they can make others feel good by doing the thinking for them, by showing them the error of their ways and the benefits of theirs
- Invite others to sacrifice empowerment, competence and accountability, and exchange them for dependence
While someone may exhibit a single drama role externally, it will be backed by an internal drama triangle.
"Recognising our own internal drama dialogue can help us gain insight into how we developed these patterns in the first place, and why we act out our own external roles the way we do."
87% of the workplace problems leaders face are related to people issues. How can an organization possibly realize its potential with so much wasteful conflict going on?
Costs approximately $359 billion for annum in paid hours—the drag on our economy is colossal.
(These numbers are all pretty loose.)
Great leaders see drama coming a mile away and choose not to play a role in it. They develop alternative ways of influencing excellence to preserve everyone’s dignity and stay focused on the most important priorities.
The author argues that these examples of negative attributes are representative of misused positive attributes.
Seems fair, but his examples don't really make it clear. Kind of holding out for further explanation.
Playing to our strengths is a great way to gain momentum, develop confidence and maximize our potential.
Behind each negative drama role are positive capacities that lay dormant or have been misused.
We need flexible people who can respond to the unexpected and thrive under pressure; these same people can become Persecutors, disregarding rules and setting up negative drama.
People who are conscientious are trustworthy and we can count on them to keep our highest values in mind—they can misuse this strength by falling into Rescuer mode, pointing out what everyone else is doing that’s wrong.
In drama, someone who is warm and caring by nature may play the Victim role, their warmth mutating into emotionality
One of the key qualities of a good leader is the ability to solve problems without creating new ones. What if the energy expended in drama was redirected to leveraging the multiple strengths we have within us?
People respond to the leader(s) and that shapes the culture accordingly. When cultures are defined by drama, the dynamics and consequences are predictable. People are capable of playing all three roles, but often play one of them more consistently.
Victim leaders avoid conflict, play it safe, second-guess themselves, and anticipate bad things happening. Many Victim leaders are still in their positions because others feel sorry for them or are avoiding the necessary conflict to hold them accountable.
Their environments reflect their leadership type through these symptoms:
- employees with low self-confidence
- loss of respect for the leader
- a gloom-and-doom mentality
- believing that outside forces are in control
- low morale and engagement
- apathy and indifference
- avoidance of conflict
- avoidance of initiative, playing it safe
Rescuer leaders are often the ones who were promoted because they were responsible and hardworking. Once in a leadership position, they never learned how to develop and empower others, instead portraying themselves as the indispensable expert who has all the answers. Their culture shows it in these ways:
- low innovation
- low initiative
- fear of failure
- analysis paralysis
- death by meetings
- death by data
- dependence on the leader
- resentment of the leader
- withholding information from the leader
- silos
- low levels of collaboration
Fear, guilt and intimidation have worked before, and it’s intoxicating to feel the temporary rush of power. These leaders don’t get honest feedback because people are afraid of them. They aren’t held accountable because nobody will stand up to them. They avoid information that would question their position, power, authority, or effectiveness. And their environment shows it through:
- secrecy, hiding, and avoidance
- cutthroat competition
- fear and anxiety
- blaming, manipulating, and attacking others to avoid responsibility for negative outcomes
- increased risk of abusive behavior
- high turnover
- increased risk of lawsuits
Much of these section comes from: https://hbr.org/2015/12/its-better-to-avoid-a-toxic-employee-than-hire-a-superstar
High performers are four times as productive as average workers and may generate 80% of a business’s profits.
Toxic workers can have an even greater effect on organisations. These are talented and productive people who engage in harmful behavior. What makes these employees so damaging is their combination of high productivity and toxic behaviors. Because of this, they are not held accountable for their behavior, often with the excuse that the company needs their contribution.
Allowing a toxic employee to stay costs a company more than twice as much as the contribution of a star performer.
The toxic employee has likely built up a cadre of followers or sympathizers who will react negatively at first. Once the noxious employee has left, though, the results are almost always better than anyone could have anticipated.
Some people really do want to help. They have good intentions. Most of us, in fact, want to make a difference, advance noble causes, and positively influence those around us.
Victims hold onto the myth, "You can make me feel good (or bad) emotionally,"
I'd only be OK if you are pleased with my help.
Starting sentences with, "What you should do is…." or "Why don't you…."
Suggesting action that could backfire on the other person but leaves the Rescuer out of harm's way.
Drama-based helping fosters an unsavory mix of unhealthy emotions. It cultivates uncertainty, neediness, resentment, anxiety, narcissism, entitlement, dependency, and defensiveness, just to name a few.
...pattern of passive-aggressive manipulation, using the Victim role to garner sympathy, and then switching to the Persecutor to keep people from holding him accountable. This is a common pattern in leadership, and we've found it to be particularly prevalent in nonprofit and faith-based organizations. Why? Because passionate, committed people with big hearts are drawn to this line of work. Passion and commitment most easily morphs into Persecutor, and big-hearted love for people most easily morphs into Victim.
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"I am uncomfortable with this conversation because I want you to feel empowered and confident and I want to be helpful as a friend," she said. "I am willing to support you in problem-solving how to get what you want. I'm not willing to criticize Fred or continue to hear you complain about your situation and put yourself down. I care about you."
The notion of zero tolerance is itself drama.
Compassion requires humility, creativity, and courage. Compassion doesn't mean letting someone off the hook, feeling sorry for them, or "loving them into good behavior."
Compassion balances caring, concern, empathy and transparency with boundaries, goals, aspirations, and standards. It's the engine that turns conflict into a creative force.
Compassionate accountability is the process of holding someone (including yourself) accountable...
Compassion Triangle, with the skills of Persistence, Vulnerability, and Resourcefulness as the positive counterparts to Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer respectively.
...we chose the word Openness to replace Vulnerability. Openness captures the essence and intent of this skill set...
"You and I are worthwhile."
Openness is a state of non-judgmental receptivity to your own and others' experiences.
Openness is the healthy alternative to Victim, involving transparency, courage with self and others, self-awareness, empathy, confidence in one's own adequacy, and a willingness to own and disclose emotions. It is the key to transparency, authenticity and emotional intelligence. Openness is about being tuned in to the physical, spiritual, and psychological activity inside you, inside others, and between you and others; and accepting these with a nonjudgmental attitude.
At its most basic level, conflict is a gap between what we want and what we are experiencing at a given point in time.
- Emphasize
Empathy is about emotional resonance, being able to appreciate and even experience emotions from another person's perspective.
- Ask questions about how a person is feeling, what's important to them, and how they are experiencing a situation. This is not about their thoughts, opinions, or strategies; it's about their emotional experiences. Examples might include, "How are you doing with this transition?" or "What concerns you the most?" or "How are you feeling today?"
- Affirm that it's OK to share feelings, that you care about the emotional part of another person's world. Examples; "I care about how you are feeling today. If you want to talk about it, I'd be glad to listen," or "I know this is a stressful situation, and I care about how it's affecting you."
- Take time to listen, checking your understanding by repeating back what you thought you heard until the other person is satisfied. Example: "I heard you say you're anxious about making a mistake on this project and looking silly in front of your peers. Is this accurate?"
- Avoid inserting your interpretations, analysis, or feelings. Empathy is not about you. Never say, "I know what you are feeling." People don't want you to know, they want you to care. Never start sentences with phrases like, "I think what you are feeling is…" or "Here's why you are feeling this way…"
- Relate through personal experience.
Emphasizing the shared feeling, rather than the content of the experience, prevents it from becoming competitive.
...there's a fine line between empathy and one-upping.
Masters of empathy are truly moved by what others are feeling. They can relate to your experience and want you to know because they really do care. And they do it in a wonderfully affirming way that doesn't call attention to themselves.
- Validate
- Affirming another person's experience does not condone their behavior, nor does it mean you agree with them. It simply sends the message that the experience is real to them, and matters to you.
- Avoid disagreeing, discounting, or re-interpreting another person's experience through your own lens. Never say: "I don't know why you feel like that. It's not a big deal," or "What you should be feeling is…"
- Thank the person for letting you know how they feel. For example: "I so appreciate you sharing this with me."
- Disclosure
Disclosure is about sharing how you are doing with what you are experiencing. The purpose is honesty, transparency, and rapport.
- Focus on your feelings
- Usually, the real problem isn't about others. It's all about how confident you are about your feelings and your OK-ness, and whether you know how to express feelings in healthy ways.
- Share information
- It's ok to share strong negative feelings if it's motivating your behaviour
- Focus on your truth
People who are violated by another don't feel violated. They actually feel afraid, angry, and anxious. People who are called out in front of their peers don't feel disrespected. They most likely feel defensive, angry, or sad. Beware of emotional labels that reinforce a drama-based myth that someone else can make you feel a certain way.
Resourcefulness is the curious collection, assessment, and utilization of resources to guide action.
- Gather ideas and options
- Show a spirit of inquiry and curiosity.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Generate lots of options.
- Play out scenarios.
- Conduct mini-experiments.
- Fail forward
- Share the data behind your emotions and motives. If you are upset about something that happened, describe it as objectively as possible without placing blame or making assumptions.
- Explain the gap.
- Disagree while respecting others' intentions and dignity.
Book: The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni Book: Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success, John Maxwell
- Build on successes
- Think outside the box
- Celebrate the small things
- Set stretch goals
- Leveraging personal strengths
Leveraging strengths is one of best ways to boost self-confidence. Any problem can be approached by first asking, "What do I already know how to do that could be used in this situation?"
- Explore passion and interests
- Focus on strategies instead of inherent qualities. People can't learn others' innate talent, but they can learn and practice strategies
- Ask about and affirm intentions
- State Your Own Boundaries and Commitments...
- Keep your list small and focused
- Be explicit. Make clear what you will and won't do, and avoid passive-aggressive ultimatums. Announcing your nut allergy is not enough.
- Reinforce non-negotiables
"Compassion without accountability gets you nowhere. Accountability without compassion gets you alienated. Blending the two is the essence of leadership."
What does it really mean to hold someone accountable? Bringing someone to account means asking them to explain themselves or "account" for their behavior. What most supervisors and parents mean by accountability is that you can be trusted to do what you say, keep your promises, and meet your obligations. It's about consistency between goals and performance, between promises and deliverables, between what you say and what you do. Accountability is commitment to walking the walk, both for you and for the other person.
- Finish what you start. Keep your promises. If you can't, or choose not to, then inform those who will be affected, discuss the situation fully and work together on what's next.
- Own the pain and the glory
- Don't give up
- Remind others about commitment
- Be straightforward about what you want
- Use consequences carefully
Angela Duckworth's research at the University of Pennsylvania demonstrates that the key predictor of success is not talent, title, wealth, or good looks. It is grit: the ability to work hard for a long period of time toward a focused goal and keep moving forward in spite of challenges, obstacles, and failures. Duckworth says, "Grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals. It's a marathon not a sprint."
Constructive. Consequences should maximize the potential for positive learning and growth. No consequence should ever shame or humiliate another person. Persecutor leaders are infamous for calling people out in front of their peers, and scapegoating individuals with inappropriate consequences aimed at teaching everyone a lesson. Coaches who punish the whole team instead of talking to the one person who was late are engaged in destructive consequences.
- Accept responsibility and make it right
...you make a mistake, admit it and apologize. If you let someone down, acknowledge it and make it right. Taking responsibility means avoiding excuses or counterattacks, as these behaviors only serve to mask real feelings such as embarrassment, anger, fear, or loss. If you are making excuses or counterattacking, you haven't been open about, or taken ownership of, your emotional motives.
- Identify the behavior in question. Don't focus on anyone else's behavior. The most important thing here is to avoid excuses, justifications, or rationalizations for your behavior. The bottom line: what did you do and how did it affect people?
- Apologize for your behavior by saying, "I'm sorry." Don't dilute it with qualifiers like, "I'm sorry for whatever you think I did," or "I'm sorry for how you interpreted what I said." Both of these statements actually blame the other person for feeling upset.
- Offer to make it right. If you have ideas on what you could do to make amends, offer them to the other person. If not, ask them what ideas they have that would help repair the damage.
- Don't throw yourself under the bus. Just because you did a bad thing doesn't mean you are a bad person. Hold your head up, maintain your dignity, and show that you're capable of changing your behavior going forward.
...environments of safety in which we affirm our own and other people's worthiness. Resourcefulness is necessary to support environments of curiosity in which we affirm our own and other's capabilities. Persistence is necessary to support environments of consistency in which we ensure our own and others' accountability to others for our behaviors.
Every politician ever:
- We need to protect our way of life that we worked hard to create
- We need to depend our way of life from those who would seek to destroy it
- We need to ensure sustainable access to the resources that enable our way of life
Compassion cycle: open, resourceful, persistence, which are interdependent ways of feeling, thinking, and acting that work productively together.
- Open: expressing feelings and thinking, and goals. Basically explaining where you are at
- Resourceful: generating ideas for solving the conflict
- Persistence: implementing a solution
In order to get back from persistence to open, we need to ask for feedback about the solution we implemented, instead of just declaring it "solved".
It reminds us a waterfall structure, very structured phases...
Drama inevitably pushes us into corners, where we cling to distorted world views that compel us to do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Compassion leads to being able to adapt to change.
- Start at open
- Movement is necessary
- The only way forward is forward: the only way to move is from open -> resourceful -> persistence, without jumping around
This really only applies to conflict situations. It is not about what the best solution for the product, but what is the best solution for the conflict at hand.
Openness evens the playing field and Rescuers don't like this. Persecutors haven't a clue how to be Open because they are so focused on why they are right and everyone else is wrong. They can't conceive of entertaining a view other than their own. They dare not stop long enough to experience their own feelings because it would be too uncomfortable. It would make them vulnerable, which to Persecutors is the scariest thing imaginable.
You see a person struggling and want to help. Entering at Resourceful-as the first team member did-is tempting. You have ideas about how you can help and want to share them. You may even have a great solution that you know would solve the problem. Maybe you are just curious and want to figure out what's going on so you can be more helpful.
"Everyone has a plan until they get hit"
- Mike Tyson Should really have been "... until they get punched in the mouth"
Giving in is usually motivated by fear that conflict would lead to disapproval or rejection by others. The false belief is "I'm only OK if I don't cause any conflict."
Getting back on the Compassion Cycle requires a return to Openness.
Affirmations:
- "I am OK. My boundaries and needs, feelings and wants matter."
- "I am worthy of pursuing what I want, just like anybody else."
- "How someone responds to me, even if I don't like it, doesn't define me."
Giving unsolicited advice stems from the belief, "I know better and you need my help, even if you didn't ask for it."
The drive to protect others from their own insufficiencies masks a hidden desire to be perceived as competent and responsible. The belief is, "You will be OK if you take my advice."
Resourcefulness emphasises, "You and I are capable," while unsolicited advice emphasises, "I am capable and you need my help even if you don't ask for it."
There's nothing wrong with advice, as long as the other person is open to it and has given you permission to offer it. One of the most simple ways to avoid giving unsolicited advice is simply to ask a person if you may share something with them.
Affirmations:
- I am smart and capable. Others can be as well if I let them.
- I am most helpful when people ask me first and are open to my help.
- Being available, even without giving advice, is a terrific way to help.
An ultimatum reflects an attitude that the person is no longer willing or interested in struggling with. They've chosen being justified over being effective. People usually resort to ultimatums because they feel angry, afraid, frustrated, desperate, hurt, or embarrassed and don't have the skill or confidence to do anything else. Fearing that they are losing control, they use ultimatums to cover up the authentic need to be respected and valued.
Ultimatums send the message, "If you do XYZ, then I will have every justification to Persecute you."
A valuable lesson about what happens when two Persecutors compete. Everybody loses no matter how right they are.
Affirmations:
- I'm not a quitter. That's admirable.
- By affirming the best in others, I will get their best effort.
- Sometimes being effective is better than being right.
"I'm feeling anxious (emotion) about this transition and would really like some clarity (intention)."
"I care a lot (emotion) about you and want to help (intention)."
Sharing what I want or need to get closer to that goal is the critical next step to turn my intention into something more.
"I'm feeling anxious (emotion) about this transition and would really like some clarity (intention). Will you help me work through this (ask)?"
"I care a lot (emotion) about you and want to help (intention). How can I support you (ask)?"
People who don't ask for what they want usually end up in the Victim role.
Many people fear that asking for what they want makes them too vulnerable and is a set-up for disappointment. This is true only if you believe the myth, "others can make me feel good or bad emotionally."
Openness is about recognising that I am worthy. Therefore, sharing what I want is simply the next step to demonstrate to myself and others that this is true.
- "I understand my options and the pros and cons of each one."
- "There are three things I could do to advance my objectives."
- "The plan is ready to execute."
This habit wreaks havoc on my waistline. And I think it all stems from my difficulty letting go and moving on. I worry that the other person's food might end up tasting better than mine and then I would be disappointed. I worry that the option I don't choose might have been the better one. It's crazy-making!
Avoiding the choice to take action, let go, and move on costs companies billions of dollars a year in the form of lost opportunities, resources wasted in predictive analyses, and bringing in more consultants whose recommendations are never implemented. How is it that people, teams, and organisations can put so much into planning, learning, and organising yet avoid taking the leap to implementation?
- Loss of control
- Loss of options
- Loss of certainty
Statements to avoid (have empathy!):
- "Just do it."
- "In a week it will seem like nothing."
- "We simply have to make a decision!"
- "What's the big deal?"
Persistence keeps working toward a goal, while Openness revels in the moment.
The danger of Persistence is that we get so focused on our goals, mission priorities, strategic plans, and action steps that we lose focus on the world around us and within us.
From Non-violent Communications book:
...the behavior of others may be a stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause. We are never angry because of what someone else did. We can identify the other person’s behavior as the stimulus, but it is important to establish a clear separation between stimulus and cause.
"Match and Move" helps you meet people where they are on the Compassion Cycle and facilitate the appropriate Choice to Move. Match and Move is used only when someone is in the Compassion Cycle, exhibiting one of the three compassion skills.
- The helper (therapist, coach, mentor) joins the client in their development path, seeking to understand his or her frame of reference, validate his or her worldview, and affirm his or her experience.
- Together, then, the two move forward on a journey.
- The helper facilitates growth and learning but doesn’t direct it.
Compared to the helper setting a high standard and pulling the client up, this represent a drama versus compassion approach to helping and encourages less drama.
Coaching is about meeting the client where they are and helping them to succeed at their goals.
The diagrams about Meeting People Where They Are didn't seem the best choice. The second one seems kinda patronising. The Helper is still dragging someone up to their own level as if they know all.
We all struggle with how to translate this language into our own. Nobody talks like the characters in the book.
We're also uncomfortable with the introduction of terms like behavioural commitment without definition or explaining the concept.
When a person is showing one of the three compassion skills, the best thing to do is meet them where they are by showing the same compassion skill yourself.
How much compassion matching you engage in depends on the situation. Situations that are more emotionally charged or where the stakes are higher might require more matching than others.
The best way to know if your compassion match was effective is whether the person accepts your invitation to make the Choice to Move.
The “Move” part in Match and Move is to invite and facilitate the other person to make the choice to reveal what they want. The key to inviting the Choice to State Your Wants is to keep the responsibility on the other person.
You can't force someone to move, you can only invite them to. Whether or not they accept the invitation doesn’t change their accountability for behavior or performance. Nor does it absolve the helper of their responsibility to hold the client accountable for their performance.
You can identify when someone is at Resourceful if they are exchanging information, exploring options, asking curious questions, or generating possibilities.
Leaders should put a lot more energy into positively motivating their employees. It’s a huge driver of performance and morale.
As a leader, your job is to help people increase their capability at Resourcefulness. Ownership over decisions and choices is a tremendously powerful thing. Taking away that authority and accountability from someone should be done as rarely as possible.
Making the choice to Let Go and Move On around small decisions can help build confidence to make bigger decisions later on. If you are trying to Match and Move someone out of Resourceful and are encountering resistance, try breaking the big decision into smaller ones.
For the choices that matter most, we can’t guarantee no negative consequences. There’s never a way to avoid all fear and loss. This is OK. Leading out of drama requires leaders to acknowledge this, give space to talk about it, help people process it, and move forward anyway.
We all feel like Javier has clearly worked very hard for his achievement and Juanita's response is simply to push him on the next phase without a break or celebration. The Compassion Cycle seems to be a perpetual motion machine, always driving people forward without pause.
Persistence is about finishing what you start, doing what you said you would do, and sticking to your non-negotiable boundaries and commitments. Without it, we wouldn’t be able to count on people and there would be no consistency in our lives.
Persistence is highly effective to a point. Overused or abused, Persistence becomes legalism, closed-mindedness and tunnel vision.
Match and Move is a great coaching tool to enhance positive accountability with anyone in your life, not just for a boss with a subordinate.
Everything about this book's model requires a lot of training and practice. Building a culture where everyone feels safe and can have open discussions seems less likely to produce drama. Are these the same cost? Organic cultural creation usually results in a mess. Culture requires thought and deliberate implementation.
We segued into a large conversation on culture here, referencing:
- [Reinventing Organisations](https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Organizations-Creating-Inspired-Consciousness-ebook/dp/B00ICS9VI4/)
- [Deliberately Developmental Organisations](https://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Culture-Deliberately-Developmental-Organization-ebook/dp/B01BO2ITX2/), and
- a talk Elle saw that was a private reference she can no longer find.
CC = O-R-P-O Compassionate conflict = Open, Resourceful, Persistent, Open
O-R-P-O reminds us again of [Non-Violent Communication](https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4/)
The Formula can be used any time you detect a drama role in yourself or another person, or you identify a significant gap between what you want and what you are experiencing and want to pursue a solution that requires conflict.
Start at Open. Begin by disclosing your own feelings relevant to the situation, without giving in. This is not the time to point out others’ problematic behaviors or describe what people did or didn’t do.
Move to Resourceful. Describe any resources you are willing to offer to problem-solve how you will try to close the gap between what you want and what you are experiencing. If there is information or resources you want, describe what they are. Avoid giving advice or suggesting what others could or should do to help you.
Progress to Persistent. State your boundaries or “non-negotiables,” as well as your commitments.
Finish with Open. Return to Open by checking in with yourself or others about their perspective, feelings, and desires. Stop to listen and be receptive.
- Share your feelings (Open)
- Identify Your Behavior and its Impact (Resourceful)
- Make it Right (Persistence)
- Be Receptive (Open)
The Formula for Compassionate Conflict works so well because it complies with the rules of the Compassion Cycle.
By starting at Open, it promotes an environment of safety where real feelings and motives can be revealed.
Openness only has bite if it dedicates resources to learning at Resourceful and is clear about what’s at stake at Persistence. Resourcefulness only thrives if it is informed by the true emotional motives at Open, and held accountable by the non-negotiables of Persistent. Persistence only has credibility if it has done its due diligence at Resourceful, and cares enough to continue along the cycle to Open, where it stops and listens.
The Formula offers multiple “points of entry” onto the Compassion Cycle. This is powerfully disarming and can be transformative for someone who’s looking for drama.
There’s no guarantee that ORPO will work on the first try. It’s hard for people in drama to receive a response that refuses to justify their respective ally or adversary motives.
Most often, a person in drama will not accept your invitation the first time—maybe not even the second or third time. Struggling with someone may require a lot perseverance and patience. Staying out of drama yourself may be the best you can hope for, and that’s a victory.
- Be drama-free yourself
- Be aware
- Be realistic
- Be patient
- Be prepared
- Be kind
In summary: conflict is the gap between expectations and reality.
Inaccurate math: as your resources increases, your stress increases
When the demands on us (both actual and perceived) outweigh the resources we have (or perceive to have), we experience stress
A couple of new topics now in the final chapter of the book:
- Dr Taibi Kahler's six core emotional motives (phase issues) and what happens if you hide these motives:
- Fear -> chronic suspicion, trust issues, self-righteous arrogance, and pessimism
- Loss -> rigid micromanagement, obsessive compulsive behaviour, and critical attitude towards how lazy and irresponsible everyone is
- Anger -> losing confidence and self-esteem, getting personal and depressed
- Responsibility -> blaming, complaining, and sarcasm
- Autonomy -> avoidance, isolation and a senses of insignificance.
- Bonding/intimacy -> negative drama, manipulation
- Here's the actual cycle you should follow, with six steps:
- Mind the gap
- Build your open bank
- State your wants
- Build your resourceful bank
- Choose to let go and move on
- Build your persistence bank
Would be good to build our own dictionary to use in ORPO communications, and practice.
The book's message gets lost in all the fluff, but the general idea of ORPO is useful.
Things I find lacking in this book, discussion about:
- compromise
- when is it appropriate to bring things up
- should we bring things up at all?
- how to evaluate the situation
- what to do when you're the victim, and the persecutor is your boss
... just to name a few...