season1.csv

﻿name,line
Melanie, Why are you late?
Rebecca, You're not going to like the answer.
Melanie, I already know the answer.
Rebecca, I missed the bus.
Melanie," I don't doubt it, no bus stops near Brad's. You spent the night, the alarm didn't work. Or maybe it did."
Rebecca, I didn't sleep with him.
Melanie," Girl, there's...[Interrupted]"
Rebecca, I missed the bus!
Melanie," There's something either very wrong with you, or there's something very wrong with him."
Rebecca, There's nothing wrong with him.
Melanie, Please tell me you know that for a fact.
Rebecca," Melanie, I gotta go."
Melanie, You're lying aren't you?
Rebecca, I wouldn't lie to you. [Turns to class of 5 year olds] Good morning guys!
Class, Good morning Miss Rebecca!
Rebecca, Everybody's in their seats?
Class, Yes!
Rebecca," Ok, Sidney, why don't you tell us what you did this weekend. Come on, Sidney, we know you're not shy."
Sidney," How come we always have to tell you what we did, and you nEver tell us what you did?"
Class, [giggles]
Rebecca," Ok, I had a really great weekend, but you can't tell Miss Melanie, ok?"
Sidney, What did you do?
Rebecca," I made a new friend. It's so much fun to make new friends, isn't it?"
Class," Yeah, Yes, etc."
Rebecca, Absolutely! You should nEver keep anything from your parents. And I told them [gibberish]
Class, [giggles]
Rebecca, Wh..
Rebecca, [gibberish]
Class, [Laughs and giggles]
Class," C, A, T, H"
Sidney," ""the""ù"
Boy," We know that word, ""the""ù"
Wilson," 29 year old female, first seizure one month ago, lost the ability to speak. Babbled like a baby. Present deterioration of mental status."
House, See that? They all assume I'm a Patient because of this cane.
Wilson, So put on a white coat like the rest of us.
House, I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.
Wilson, You see where the administration might have a pRoblem with that attitude.
House, People don't want a sick doctor.
Wilson, Fair enough. I don't like healthy Patients. The 29 year old female!
House," The one who can't talk, I liked that part."
Wilson, She's my cousin.
House," And your cousin doesn't like the diagnosis. I wouldn't either. Brain tumor, she's gonna die, boring."
Wilson, No wonder you're such a renowned diagnostician. You don't need to actually know anything to figure out what's wrong.
House, You're the oncologist; I'm just a lowly infectious disease guy.
Wilson," Hah, yes, just a simple country doctor. Brain tumors at her age are highly unlikely."
House, She's 29. WhatEver she's got is highly unlikely.
Wilson, Protein markers for the three most prevalent brain cancers came up negative.
House, That's an HMO lab; you might as well have sent it to a high school kid with a chemistry set.
Wilson, No family history.
House, I thought your uncle died of cancer.
Wilson, Other side. No environmental factors.
House, That you know of.
Wilson, And she's not responding to radiation treatment.
House, None of which is Even close to dispositive. All it does is raise one question. Your cousin goes to an HMO?
Wilson, Come on! Why leave all the fun for the coroner? What's the point of putting together a team if you're not going to use them? You've got three overqualified doctors working for you. Getting bored.
Foreman, It's a lesion.
House, And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map is an island. I was hoping for something a bit more creative.
Foreman, Shouldn't we be speaking to the Patient before we start diagnosing?
House, Is she a doctor?
Foreman," No, but!"
House, Everybody lies.
Cameron, Dr. House doesn't like dealing with Patients.
Foreman, Isn't treating Patients why we became doctors?
House," No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors, treating Patients is what makes most doctors miserable."
Foreman, So you're trying to eliminate the huManity from the practice of medicine.
House," If we don't talk to them they can't lie to us, and we can't lie to them. HuManity is overrated. I don't think it's a tumor."
Foreman," First year of medical school if you hear hoof beats you think ""horses""ù not ""zebras""ù."
House," Are you in first year of medical school? No. First of all, there's nothing on the CAT scan. Second of all, if this is a horse then the kindly family doctor in Trenton makes the obvious diagnosis and it nEver gets near this office. Differential diagnosis, people: if it's not a tumor what are the suspects? Why couldn't she talk?"
Chase," Aneurysm, stroke, or some other ischemic syndrome."
House, Get her a contrast MRI.
Cameron, Creutzfeld-Jakob disease.
Chase, Mad cow?
House, Mad zebra.
Foreman, Wernickie's encephalopathy?
House," No, blood thiamine lEvel was normal."
Foreman," Lab in Trenton could have screwed up the blood test. I assume it's a corollary if people lie, that people screw up."
House, Re-draw the blood tests. And get her scheduled for that contrast MRI ASAP. Let's find out what kind of zebra we're dealing with here.
Cuddy, I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago.
House," Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago."
Cuddy, You think we have nothing to talk about?
House," No, just that I can't think of anything that I'd be interested in."
Cuddy, I sign your paychecks.
House," I have tenure. Are you going to grab my cane now, stop me from leaving?"
Cuddy, That would be juvenile.
Cuddy, I can still fire you if you're not doing your job.
House, I'm here from 9 to 5.
Cuddy, Your billings are practically nonexistent.
House, Rough year.
Cuddy, You ignore requests for consults.
House, I call back. Sometimes I misdial.
Cuddy, You're 6 years behind on your obligation to this clinic.
House," See, I was right, this doesn't interest me."
Cuddy," 6 years, times 3 weeks; you owe me better than 4 months."
House, It's 5:00. I'm going home.
Cuddy, To what?
House, Nice.
Cuddy," Look, Dr. House, the only reason that I don't fire you is because your reputation still worth something to this hospital."
House," Excellent, we have a point of agreement. You aren't going to fire me."
Cuddy, Your reputation won't last up if you don't do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
House," Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, ""You can't always get what you want.""ù"
Rebecca, You're not my doctor. Are you Dr. House?
Chase, Thankfully no. I'm Dr. Chase.
Cameron," Dr. House is the head of diagnostic medicine. He's very busy, but he has taken a keen interest in your case."
Foreman, We inject gadolinium into a vein. It distributes itself throughout your brain and acts as a contrast material for the magnetic resonance imagery.
Cameron," Basically, whatEver's in your head, lights up like a Christmas tree."
Foreman, It might make you feel a little light-headed.
Nurse," Dr. Cameron. I'm sorry I have to stop you, there's a pRoblem."
House, You pulled my authorization.
Cuddy," Yes, why are you yelling?"
House," No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs."
Cuddy, You also can't make long distance phone calls.
House, If you're gonna fire me at least have the guts to face me.
Cuddy, Or photocopies; you're still yelling.
House, I'm ANGRY! You're risking a Patient's life.
Cuddy, I assume those are two separate points.
House," You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I'm still work here you have![interrupted]"
Cuddy," Is your yelling designed to scare me because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That's not scary. That you're gonna hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun ya."
Cuddy," Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you're right, ""You can't always get what you want,""ù but as it turns out ""if you try sometimes you get what you need.""ù"
House," So, because you want me to treat Patients, you aren't letting me treat Patients."
Cuddy, I need you to do your job.
House," Do the MRI, she folded. [Ducklings leave, House turns to Wilson] I've gotta do four hours a week in this clinic until I make up the time I've missed. 2054. I'll be caught up in 2054. [He walks into the clinic] You better love this cousin a whole lot."
Cameron," All right Rebecca, [over intercom] we know you may feel a little claustrophobic in there, but we need you to remain still."
Chase," [over intercom] Ok, we're gonna begin."
Rebecca, I don't feel so good.
Chase, It's all right. Just try to relax.
Cameron, Rebecca? [over intercom] Rebecca? [back in booth] Rebecca! Get her out of there.
Chase, Ah she pRobably fell asleep; she's exhausted.
Cameron," She was claustrophobic 30 seconds ago, she's not sleeping. We gotta get her out of there!"
Chase, It'll just be another minute.
Cameron, She's having an allergic reaction to gadolinium. She'll be dead in two minutes.
Foreman, Hold her neck.
Cameron," Oh, she's ashen."
Foreman, She's not breathing. Epi point five.
Cameron," Come on, I can't ventilate."
Foreman," Too much edema, where's the surgical airway kit?"
Chase," Yep, coming."
Chase, Good call.
Chase, We'll get that tube out of your throat later today.
Cameron, Just get some rest for now.
House," Told you, can't trust people."
Cameron," She pRobably knew she was allergic to gadolinium, figured it was an easy way to get someone to cut a hole in her throat."
House," Can't get a picture, gonna have to get a thousand words."
Foreman, You actually want me to talk to the Patient? Get a history?
House, We need to know if there's some genetic or environmental causes triggering an inflammatory response.
Foreman, I thought Everybody lied?
House, Truth begins in lies. Think about it.
Foreman," That doesn't mean anything,does it?"
House," 12:52 PM Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes."
Cuddy," No TV, but we've got Patients."
House, Can't you give out the aspirin yourself? I'll do paperwork.
Cuddy, I made sure your first case was an interesting one.
House," Cough just won't go away, runny nose looks a funny color."
Cuddy, Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.
House, I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Cuddy, Patient is orange.
House, The color?
Cuddy," No, the fruit."
House, You mean yellow; it's jaundice.
Cuddy, I mean orange.
House," Well, how orange?"
Cuddy, Exam room 1.
Orange Guy," I was playing golf and my cleat got stuck. I mean, it hurt a little but I kept playing. The next morning I could barely stand up. Well, you're smiling so I take it that means this isn't serious."
Orange Guy, What's that? What are you doing?
House, Painkillers.
Orange Guy," Oh, for you, for your leg."
House," No, 'cause they're yummy. You want one? It'll make your back feel better."
House," Unfortunately, you have a deeper pRoblem. Your wife is having an affair."
Orange Guy, What?!
House," You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed color, she's just not paying attention. By the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and mega-dose vitamins?"
House," The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get some finger-paints and do the math. And get a good Lawyer."
House, Deep breath.
Little boy, It's cold.
House, Has he been using his inhaler?
Mother," Not in the past few days. He's, um, only ten. I worry about Parkldren taking such strong medicine so frequently."
Little boy, What happened to your leg?
House," Your doctor pRobably was concerned about the strength of the medicine, too. She pRobably weighed that danger against the danger of not breathing. Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think? Ok, I'm gonna assume that no body's Ever told you what asthma is, or if they have, you had other things on your mind. A stimulant triggers cells in your Parkld's airways to release substances that inflame the air passages and cause them to contract. Mucus production increases, cell-lining starts to shed. But the steroids, the steroids!stop the inflammation. The more often this happens![trails off and starts to leave the room]"
Mother," What? ""The more often this happens!""ùwhat?""ù"
House," Forget it. If you don't trust steroids, you shouldn't trust doctors."
Rebecca," My mother passed away three years ago. She had a heart attack, and my father broke his back doing construction."
Cameron," It's House, it's urgent. I'm sorry."
Cameron, You couldn't have knocked?
House," Steroids. Give her steroids, high doses of prednisone."
Foreman, You're looking for support for a diagnosis of cerebral vasculitus.
Cameron, Inflammation of the blood vessels in the brain is awfully rare. Especially for someone her age.
House, So is a tumor. Her SED rate was elevated.
Foreman, Mildly.
Cameron," That could mean anything, or nothing."
House," Yeah, I know. I have no reason to think that it's vasculitus except that it could be."
Cameron, You can't diagnose that without a biopsy.
House," Yes, we can, we treat it. If she gets better we know that we're right."
Cameron, And if we're wrong?
House, We learn something else.
Rebecca, Why steroids?
Chase, Just part of your treatment. You haven't had Many visitors. No boyfriend?
Rebecca, Three dates. I wouldn't have stood by him if her were vomiting all day.
Chase," Well, what abut work? You must have friends from work."
Rebecca, Pretty much Everybody I like is 5 years old. A nurse said you're stopping my radiation.
Chase," We're just trying some alternative medications. So, where's your family from then?"
Rebecca, Steroids aren't an alternative to radiation.
Chase, The tests weren't really conclusive.
Cameron," We're treating you for vasculitus, it's the inflammation of blood vessels in the brain."
Rebecca, It's not a tumor? I don't have a tumor?
Chase, You should have told her the truth. It's a long shot guess.
Cameron," [to nurse] Thank you. [To Chase] If House is right, no harm, if he's wrong we've given a dying Woman a couple days hope."
Chase, False hope.
Cameron, If there was any other type available I would have given her that.
Sidney, Why are you smelling Billy's pants?
Foreman, I'm not.
Sidney, Looked like you were.
Foreman, I was smelling the floor.
Sidney, Oh.
Foreman, Do you have any pets in this class?
Sidney," No, but we used to have a gerbil, but Carly L. dropped a book on it."
Foreman, Careless.
Sidney, Do you need to smell it?
Foreman," No, I'm smelling for mold. I don't need to smell it."
Sidney, You can smell our parrot.
Foreman, You said you didn't have any pets in this class.
Sidney, A parrot is a bird.
Foreman, Parrots are the primary source of psitticosis.
House, It's not the parrot.
Foreman, Psitticosis can lead to nerve pRoblems and neurological complications.
House, How Many kids were there in the class?
Foreman,20
House, How Many are home sick?
Foreman," None, but!"
House," None, but you think that 5 year olds are more serious about bird hygiene than their teacher. You've been through her home?"
Foreman, She lives in Trenton. I can go up to her room tomorrow morning and ask her for the key.
House, Would the police call for permission before dropping by to check out a crime scene?
Foreman, It's not a crime scene.
House, Far as I know she's running a Meth Lab out of her basement.
Foreman, She's a kindergarten teacher!
House," And if I was a Kindergarten student I would trust her implicitly. [Sigh] Ok, I'll give you a for instance. The lady back there, who made your egg-salad sandwich. Her eyes look glassy, did you notice that? Now hospital policy is to stay home if you're sick, but if you're making $8.00 an hour, then ya kinda need the $8.00 an hour right? The sign in the bathroom says that employees must wash after using the facilities, but I figure that somebody who wipes snot on a sleEve isn't hyper concerned about sanitary conditions. So what do ya think? Should I trust her? I want you to check the Patient's home for contaminants, garbage, medication![interrupted]"
Foreman," Whoa, oh, I can't just break into someone's House."
House," Isn't that how you got into the Felker's home? [pause] Yeah, I know, court records are sealed, you were 16, it was a stupid mistake, but your old gym teacher has a big mouth. You should write a thank you note."
Foreman, I should thank him?
House," Well, I needed somebody around here with street smarts. Ok? Knows when you're being conned, knows how to con."
Foreman, I should sue you!
House, I'm pretty sure you can't sue somebody for wrongful hiring.
Foreman, But I'm pretty sure I can sue if you fire me for not breaking into some lady's House.
House, I'm doing research. People are fascinating aren't they?
Cuddy, Why are you giving Adler steroids?
House," Well, she's my Patient that's what you do with Patients. You give them medicine."
Cuddy, You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House, You're comparing me to a Nazi? Nice.
Cuddy, I'm stopping the treatment.
House, She's my Patient.
Cuddy, It's my hospital.
House," I did not get her sick, she is not an experiment, I have a legitimate theory about what's wrong with her."
Cuddy, With no proof.
House, There's nEver any proof. 5 different doctors come up with 5 different diagnoses based on the same evidence.
Cuddy, You don't have any evidence. And nobody knows anything huh? Then how is it that you always assume you're right?
House," I don't, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake?"
Cuddy, Because I'm a doctor. Because when we make mistakes people die.
House, Come on.
House, People used to have more respect for cripples you know! [Turns to a guy in a wheelchair] They didn't really.
Rebecca," Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he, but!?"
Cuddy, No. Don't eat too much too fast.
Rebecca, Thank him for me.
Cuddy, Right.
House," Should I discontinue the treatment, boss?"
Cuddy, You got lucky.
House," Cool, huh?"
Wilson," Ok, once again."
Wilson, Good.
Rebecca, Am I Ever gonna meet Dr. House?
Wilson," [scoffs] Well, you might run into him at the movies or on the bus."
Rebecca, Is he a good Man?
Wilson, He's a good doctor.
Rebecca, Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people?
Wilson, Caring's a good motivator. He's found something else. [Has Rebecca grab his hands] Feel this?
Rebecca, umhmm
Wilson, How about this?
Rebecca, umhmm
Wilson, Ok squeeze. [Pause] Harder. All right.
Rebecca," He's your friend, huh?"
Wilson, Yeah.
Rebecca, Does he care about you?
Wilson, I think so.
Rebecca, You don't know?
Wilson," As Dr. House likes to say, ""Everybody lies.""ù"
Rebecca," It's not what people say, it's what they do."
Wilson," [Pause] Yes, he cares about me."
Rebecca, I can't see. [Pause] I can't see.
Wilson, A little help in here!
Foreman, Your chest will be sore for a while. We needed to shock you to get your heart going. Ok. [He lays a bunch of cards with pictures on them in front of Rebecca] Can you arrange these to tell a story?
Foreman, She couldn't put them in order.
Chase, Could the damage have been caused by a lack of oxygen during her seizure?
Foreman," No, I gave her the same test 5 minutes later and she did just fine. The altered mental status is intermittent, just like the verbal skills."
Cameron," So, what now?"
Foreman," Given the latest symptoms it's clearly growing deeper into the brain stem. Soon she won't be able to walk, she'll go blind perManently, and then the respiratory center will fail."
House, How long do we have?
Foreman," If it's a tumor we're talking a month, maybe two, if it's infectious a few weeks, if it's vascular that'll pRobably be fastest of all, maybe a week."
House, We're gonna stop all treatment.
Foreman, I still think it's a tumor. I think we should go back to the radiation.
Chase, She didn't respond to the radiation.
Foreman," Well, maybe we didn't see the effects until we started steroids."
House," No, it's not a tumor. The steroids did something, I just don't know what."
Foreman, So we're just gonna do nothing? We're just gonna watch her die?
House," Yeah, we're gonna watch her die. Specifically we're gonna watch how fast she's dying. You just told us, each diagnosis has its own timeframe. When we see how fast it's killing her we'll know what it is."
Cameron, And by then maybe there's nothing we can do about it.
Foreman," There's go to be something we can do, something better than watParkng her die."
House," Well, I got nothing. How 'bout you?"
Foreman," Bastard. [Turns to Cameron] Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours."
Cameron, What's up?
Foreman, When you break into someone's House; it's always better to have a white Parkck with you.
Cameron, Adler's House? Why don't we just ask her for a key?
Foreman, For all we know she could be running a meth lab out of her basement.
Guy, I'm tired a lot.
House, Any other reason you think you may have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?
Guy, It's kinda the definition isn't it?
House, It's kinda the definition of getting older.
Guy," I had a couple headaches last month, mild fEver, sometimes I can't sleep, and I have trouble concentrating."
House, Apparently not while researParkng this stuff on the internet.
Guy, I was thinking it also might be fibromyalgia.
House," [Looks contemplative, and then serious] Excellent diagnosis [sarcastic]!"
Guy, Is there anything for that?
House," [heavy sigh] Ya know, I think there just might be."
House," I need 36 Vicodin, and change for a dollar."
Nurse," (jumbled, I can't tell)"
House, Exam room 2. [Places the bottle back on the counter.]
Cameron, House doesn't beliEve in pretense. Figures life's too short and too painful. So he just says what he thinks.
Foreman," Nothing interesting in the garbage. ""I say what I think""ù is just another way of saying ""I'm an ass.""ù"
Cameron," Well, if you wanted to be Judged on your medical prowess only, maybe you shouldn't have broken into someone's home."
Foreman," I was 16! Don't know about ticks, but her dog's definitely got fleas."
Cameron, I Managed to make it to 17 without a criminal record.
Foreman, Yeah? Well you obviously didn't grow up in my neighborhood.
Cameron, That's right. You stole a loaf of bread to feed your starving family right? You always eat during break-ins?
Foreman, Am I supposed to respect their food more than I respect their DVD players? You want some?
Cameron, No.
Foreman, You gonna go hungry until she dies?
Cameron, No.
Foreman," You know what, after centuries of oppression, decades of civil rights marches, and more significantly living like a monk, nEver getting less than a 4.0 GPA, you don't think it's kind of disgusting I get one of the top jobs in the country because I'm a delinquent? We'll eat, then we'll tear up the carpet."
Cameron, You went to Hopkins right?
Foreman, Yep.
Cameron," So, you went to a better school than I did, got better grades than I did."
Foreman, So how'd you get the job? Did you stab a guy in a bar fight?
Foreman, Nothing.
House, It's not a tumor; she's getting worse too fast. She can't stand up.
Wilson," No toxins, no medication?"
Foreman, Nothing that would explain these symptoms.
Wilson, Family history of neurological pRoblems?
Foreman, Not that I could tell from her underwear drawer.
House, You said nothing that would explain these symptoms. What did you find that doesn't explain these symptoms?
Foreman, Dr. Wilson convinced you to treat this Patient under false pretenses. Adler's not his cousin.
Wilson, That's ridiculous. You can ask her yourself. Can we get back to! [interrupted]
Foreman, She's not Jewish!
Wilson, Rachel Adler's not Jewish?
Foreman, I had ham at her apartment!
Wilson," [chuckles] Dr. Foreman, a lot of Jews have non-Jewish relatives, and most of us don't keep kosher. I can see getting through high school without learning a thing about Jews, but medical school!"
Foreman," Ok, maybe she's Jewish, but she's definitely not your cousin."
Wilson, Really? This guy's!he!
Foreman, You don't Even know her name! You called her Rachel; her name is Rebecca!
Wilson," Yes, yes, her name is Rebecca. I call her Rachel."
House, You idiot!
Wilson, Hey!listen!
House," Not you, him! You said you didn't find anything."
Foreman, Everything I found was in [interrupted]
House, You found ham.
Foreman, So?
House," Where there's ham there's pork, where there's pork there's neurocysticercosis."
Chase, Tapeworm?! You think she's got a worm in her brain?
House," It fits. Could have been living there for years, it nEver occurred to me [interrupted]"
Cameron, Millions of people eat ham Every day. It's quite a leap to think that she's got a tapeworm.
House," OK, Mr. Neurologist. What happens when you give steroids to a person who has a tapeworm?"
Foreman," They, they get a little better and then they get worse."
Wilson, Just like Rebecca Adler did.
House," In a typical case if you don't cook pork well enough you ingest live tapeworm larvae. They got these little hooks they grab onto your bowel, they live, they grow up, they reproduce."
Chase," Reproduce? There's only got one lesion, and it's nowhere near her bowel."
House," That's because this is not a typical case. Tapeworm can produce 20 to 30,000 eggs a day. Guess where they go."
Foreman, Out.
House," Not all of them. Unlike the larvae, the egg can pass right through the walls of the intestines and into the blood stream. And where does the blood stream go?"
Cameron, Everywhere.
House," As long as it's healthy the immune system doesn't Even know it's there. The worm builds a wall, uses secretions to shut down the body's immune response and control fluid flow. It's really kinda beautiful."
Foreman," As long as it's healthy, so what do we do? Call a vet and nurse the little guy back to health?"
House," It's too late for that. It's dying, and as it dies this parasite loses the ability to control of the host's defenses. The immune system wakes up and attacks the worm and Everything starts to swell, and that is very bad for the brain."
Wilson, It could still be a hundred other things. The eosinophil count was normal.
Chase, It's only abnormal in 30% of cases.
Wilson, Proving nothing.
House," No, no, no, no, you see, it fits, it's perfect! It explains Everything."
Wilson, But it proves nothing.
House, I can prove it by treating it.
Wilson," No, you can't. I was just with her, she doesn't want any more treatments, she doesn't want any more experiments, she wants to go home and die."
House," [To nurse] Will you excuse us, please?"
House, I'm Dr. House.
Rebecca, It's good to meet you.
House," You're being an idiot. Ahem. [Pause] You have a tapeworm in your brain, it's not pleasant, but if we don't do anything you'll be dead by the weekend."
Rebecca, Have you actually seen the worm?
House, When you're all better I'll show you my diplomas.
Rebecca, You were sure I had vasculitus too. Now I can't walk and I'm wearing a
House," I'm not talking about a treatment; I'm talking about a cure. But because I might be wrong, you want to die."
Rebecca, What made you a cripple?
House, I had an infarction.
Rebecca, A heart attack?
House, It's what happens when the blood flow is obstructed. If it's in the heart it's a heart attack. If it's in the lungs it's a pulmonary embolism. If it's in the brain it's a stroke. I had it in my thigh muscles.
Rebecca, Wasn't there something they could do?
House," There was plenty they could do, if they made the right diagnosis, but the only symptom was pain. Not may people get to experience muscle death."
Rebecca, Did you think you were dying?
House, I hoped I was dying.
Rebecca," So you hide in your office, refuse to see Patients because you don't like the way people look at you. You feel cheated by life so now you're gonna get Even with the world. You want me to fight this. Why? What makes you think I'm so much better than you?"
House," When you're scared, you'll turn into me."
Rebecca, I just want to die with a little dignity.
House," There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're Even born, but it always happens and there's nEver any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly, always. [Pause] You can live with dignity, we can't die with it."
House, No treatment.
Foreman," Maybe we can get a court order, override her wishes. Claim she doesn't have the capacity to make this decision."
House, But she does.
Cameron, But we could claim that the illness made her mentally incompetent.
Foreman, Pretty common result.
House, That didn't happen here.
Wilson, He's not gonna do it. She's not just a file to him anymore. He respects her.
Cameron," So because you respect her, you're going to let her die?"
House," I solved the case, my work is done."
House," Patients always want proof, we're not making cars here, we don't give guarantees."
Chase," I think we can prove it's a worm. It's noninvasive, it's safe. I'm not completely sure but![interrupted]"
House," Yeah, yeah, yeah what's the damn idea?"
Chase," Have you Ever seen a worm under an x-ray, a regular old no contrast 100-year-old technology x-ray? They light up like shotgun pellets. Just like on a contrast MRI."
Foreman," Which is the same thing as a CT scan, which we did, which proved nothing."
House," Worm cysts is the same density as the cerebrospinal fluid, we're not going to see anything in her head, but Chase is right, he's right, we should x-ray her, but we don't x-ray her brain, we x-ray her leg, worms love thigh muscle. If she's got one in her head I guarantee you there's one in her leg."
Chase," Hold still, Rebecca."
Chase, This here is a worm larva. [Chase pointing to x-ray of her leg]
Rebecca," So, if it's in my leg, it's in my brain?"
Chase," Are you looking for a guarantee? It's there, pRobably been there 6 to 10 years."
Rebecca, Could I have more?
Chase, PRobably. It's good news.
Rebecca, What do we do now?
Chase, Now we get you better. Albendazole.
Rebecca, Two pills?
Chase," Yeah, Every day for at least a month with a meal."
Rebecca, Two pills?
Chase," Yeah, possible side effects include abdominal pain, nausea, headache, dizziness, fEver, and hair loss. We'll pRobably make you keep taking the pills Even if you get Every one of those."
Cameron, Why did you hire me?
House, Does it matter?
Cameron, Kinda hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.
House, Why?
Cameron, Is that rhetorical?
House," No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference why I think I'm a jerk? The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?"
Cameron, You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
House," No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor!with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty."
Cameron, You hired me to get into my pants?!
House," I can't beliEve that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby."
Cameron, I was in the top of my class.
House, But not THE top.
Cameron, I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
House," Yes, you were a very good applicant."
Cameron, But not the best?
House," Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty not some genetic gift of intelligence?"
Cameron, I worked very hard to get where I am.
House," But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't, you worked your stunning little ass off."
Cameron, Am I supposed to be flattered?
House, Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they're as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?
Cameron, No!
House, Sexually assaulted?
Cameron, No.
House," But you are damaged, aren't you?"
Cameron, I have to go.
Orange guy, I followed her. I couldn't stop thinking about what that doctor said.
Cuddy," I told you not to listen to him, he's an idiot."
Orange guy, I was ORANGE.
Cuddy, I don't want to know what you found out.
Orange guy, You don't care?
Cuddy," I'm your doctor, you've been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care, but I don't see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she's not having an affair and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him, but I can't Even if it cost me your money, the son of a bitch is the best doctor we have."
Chase, Feeling any better?
Rebecca, I can't complain.
Chase," As you know the hospital has certain rules, and as you also know we tend to ignore them, but I think this one's gonna be a little obvious unless we get your help."
Cameron," If anyone asks, you have 11 daughters and 5 sons."
Rebecca," Hi, you guys!"
Class, Hi!
Rebecca, Come here!
Rebecca, It's so good to see you guys! I missed you! Is this for me?
Rebecca," Oh, I love you guys. [To Chase and Cameron] I wanted to thank Dr. House, but he nEver visited again."
Cameron," He cured you, you didn't cure him."
Rebecca," [Talking to class] Ok, I want a hug and a kiss from Every single one of you. Get up here right now!"
Class," [Giggles, and laughs]"
 on mini TV, There.
Male Dr on mini TV, Hold on.
 on mini TV, She's converted.
House, You said she was your cousin. Why would you lie?
Wilson, It got you to take the case.
House," You lied to a friend to save a stranger, you don't think that's screwed up?"
Wilson, You've nEver lied to me?
House, I NEveR lie.
Wilson," Oh, really."
Male Dr on mini TV, Why do we do this?
 on mini TV," Because we're doctors, when we make mistakes people die."
 re, Cuddy using the same line earlier]
Nurse, Dr. House? You have a Patient.
Nurse, He says he needs a refill.
House, Got change for a dollar?
Singing," ""No, you can't always get what you want.""ù ""You can't always get what you want.""ù"
Crowd, [Cheering and Shouting]
s Dad," Yeah, Dan!"
Crowd, [Continues cheering and shouting]
Crowd, [More cheering and whistling]
Dan, [grunts with the impact]
Coach," [muffled] You ok? Dan, Dan, talk to me. Dan, Dan, get a doctor!"
Wilson, Hey!
House, Close the door. Close the door!
Wilson, Is Cuddy down the hall counting to 50?
House," She's knows I'm in here, the clinic, as she comManded; she just doesn't know I'm alone."
Wilson," Well, you've got a full waiting room, how long do you think you can ignore them?"
House, I'm off at 4:00.
Wilson, You're doing this to avoid 5 minutes of work?
House," I go out there, I get assigned a kid with a runny nose. That's 30 seconds looking at the nose; 25 minutes talking to a worried mom who won't leave until she sure it's not meningitis or a tumor."
Wilson," Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying. Just tell Cuddy you've got an urgent case, you had to leave early."
House, That would be lying.
Wilson," And that would be wrong. But luckily, the definition of urgent is fungible."
House, Not the definition of case though.
Wilson," You have no cases. You have NO cases. You've got handpicked doctors, specialists, working for you, and they're sitting on their hands?"
House, Cameron is answering my mail.
Wilson, Time well spent I'm sure. Foreman and Chase?
House, Research?
Chase," 9 letters, iodine deficiency in Parkldren."
Foreman, Cretinism.
Chase, Huh [Fills in the space]
House," So, 4:03 PM. Dr. House checks out. Please write that down."
s Dad, Dr. House. (from now on he'll just be called Dad)
House," Sorry, done for the day. There's plenty of docs here to take care of you."
Dad, But we had an appointment.
House," Hah, nice try, but this is a walk-in clinic, which means there are no appointments. It means you walk in, sign the chart and a doctor will see you, just not me."
Dad, But your letter says that we would see you.
House, Not a big letter writer.
Dad, Here.
House, When did my signature get so girly?
Cameron, I can explain.
House," See that ""G""ù, see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't Even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing ""G's""ù like a junior high school girl?"
Cameron," It's impossible to get to you through normal channels, they have called![interrupted]"
House, PersEverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention wear something fun. Low-rider jeans are hot.
Cameron," 16 year old male, sudden onset of double vision and night terrors, with no apparent cause. The kid's been to 2 neurologists![interrupted]"
House," Night terrors, yeah? As in big scary monsters?"
Cameron, Yeah.
Cameron, Where are you going?
House, To see the family.
Cameron, You're going to examine a Patient?
House," 9 times out of 10 there's no reason to talk to a Patient, but night terrors in a 16 year old is a VERY good reason to talk to this family. Good work."
House," Margins look fine. No lesions, color is good. How long have you been having night terrors?"
Dan, Three weeks.
Dad," He's afraid to go to bed, he's exhausted, he can barely function."
Mom, What does that tell you?
House," Nothing, it's just fun watParkng him blink. [To Dan] Name as Many animals as you can that begin with the letter ""B""ù go."
Dan, Baby elephant.
House," Baby elephant is actually a good answer; ""B""ù is a bear of a letter."
Dad, What does that tell you?
House," Proves two things, no neurological damage, and your son is nEver going to be Parkef fry cook. In teens there are two likely causes of night terrors: post traumatic stress, any recent shootouts at your high school?"
Dan, No.
House," Well, then, Dave!"
Cameron, Dan
House,"!if there's no trauma the other cause is sexual abuse. So, who's molesting you? Teacher, extra friendly neighbor? I'd ask if either one of you were involved, but you'd deny it."
Dad, We would nEver do anything to hurt Dan.
House," I say it here, it comes out there. This lack of response is consistent with abuse."
Dan," There's no one, ok? I swear. There was trauma; I got hit in the head during a lacrosse game."
House, [To Cameron] Did you know that he got hit in the head?
Cameron," They didn't mention it, no."
House," Yeah, why bother."
Dad," No, no, we took him to the ER after the game. He was scanned, they tested him, they said he was fine. No concussion, it's gotta be something else."
House," You hound me for my opinion and then question my diagnosis. Cool. ER obviously screwed up, kid's got a concussion."
Dan, I had double vision before I got hit.
House," Well, that changes Everything, you need glasses. That's why you had double vision, which is why you got hit, which is why you have a concussion, which is why you have night terrors. You need to see an ophthalmologist, which I am not."
Cameron," You enjoyed that. I brought a reasonable case to your attention, and you shoved it in my face just to humiliate me."
House," You're an only Parkld, aren't you?"
Cameron, Why would you say that?
House," Everything is about you. This may seem incredibly controversial, but I think sexual abuse is bad. I just wanted to make sure he wasn't being diddled by daddy, or mommy, anything else is just a bonus."
Cameron, I'm not an only Parkld.
House, [attention on Dan] Interesting.
Cameron, What?
House, Don't move. Did I bore you in there?
Dan," What? Ah, no, not, not really."
House, Are you tired?
Dan, Sometimes.
Dad, He nEver sleeps! Of course he's tired.
House," Right now, at this moment, are you tired?"
Dan," No, no."
House, That twitch in your leg. Did you feel that?
Dan, Didn't hurt.
Dad, His leg twitched. I don't see what![interrupted]
House," It's called a myoclonic jerk, it's very common when you're falling asleep. Respiration rate falls, and the brain interprets this as the body dying, so it sends a pulse to wake it up."
Dad, So?
House," So, he's not asleep, he's awake. [Turns to Cameron] Admit him."
House," I recognize that loopy ""G""ù. So, what does the jerk tell us?"
Foreman," Nothing good, the brain's losing control of the body. Can't order the eyes to focus, regulate sleep patterns or control muscle movements."
House," A movement disorder, or degenerative brain disease. Either way this kid's gonna be picking up his diploma in diapers and a wheelchair."
Chase," Maybe not that bad, could be an infection."
House," You wish. No fEver, no white count. Anyone think this differential diagnosis might be compromised because we don't have an accurate family history?"
Cameron, I took an accurate family history.
House, You didn't Even take an accurate family. His father's not his father.
Chase, Why would you say that?
House, 30% of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Foreman, From what I've read false paternity is more like 10%.
House, That's what our moms would like us to beliEve.
Cameron," Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?"
House, Fifty bucks says I'm right.
Foreman, I'll take your money.
House," Hit a nerve? Don't worry, Foreman. I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy."
Foreman, Make it $100.
Cameron, What about leukoencephalopathy? In a 16 year old.
Chase," It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain."
House," Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier."
Chase, The night terrors were anecdotal. He could have had a bad dream.
Cameron," No, parents said he was conscious during the Event and didn't remember anything afterwards. That's a night terror."
Chase, Parents said?
House," That's a good point. Before we condemn this kid, maybe we should entertain Dr. Chase's skepticism. I want a detailed polysomnograph. If he's having night terrors I want to see them."
Dan, I usually don't move during night terrors.
House, I'm not restraining you for them. EEG rEvealed abnormalities in your brain caused by nerve damage in your toes.
Dan, [Whimpering] What are you doing?
House, Fixing it.
Dan, [Still whimpering] Can I talk to my parents?
House," Oh, they know all about this."
Dan, I'd really like to see them. [Whimpering after pause] Please! I'd really like them here.
House," This is gonna hurt, Dan."
Dan," [Whimpers and then screams] Oh, God!"
Chase, That's a night terror.
Foreman," We did a CT, MRI, CBC, Chem-7 and chest x-ray. All the tests came back normal. There's nothing to explain his symptoms."
House," Ok, but let's pretend there's something and go from there. Who sees something on this MRI?"
Cameron," No lesions, no white matter."
Foreman, No structural abnormalities.
Cameron, No space-occupying tumors.
House," He's 16, so he should have an absolutely pristine brain. The smallest thing is abnormal."
Chase, Meningeal enhancement. My bet is viral meningitis.
House," Excellent, you see what he did there? He took a small clue that there's a neurological pRoblem and wasn't afraid to run with it."
Foreman, There's no evidence of meningitis on that MRI.
House," No, there's not, he's completely wrong."
Cameron, Then what clue are you talking about?
House," He knew that I saw something on the MRI so he figured there must be something there and took a guess. ClEver, but also pathetic."
Chase," So, what did you find?"
House, Take a close look at the corpus callosum.
Chase, It looks ok.
House," Are we all looking at the same thing? 200 million interhemispheric nerve fibers, the George Washington Bridge between the left and right side of the brain. It's subtle."
Chase," There's some bowing, there. An upward arch."
House, Are you guessing?
Chase, Yes.
House," Too bad, you're right."
Foreman," He pRobably just moved, nobody stays perfectly still for their entire MRI."
House," Yeah, he pRobably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position. Something is pushing on it."
Foreman, If there's bowing it could be a tumor.
House, Do you see a tumor on this MRI?
Foreman," No, but I don't see any bowing, either."
House," There's no tumor, just a blockage causing pressure, causing symptoms. Today"
Dad," Ok!all right easy![Pause and then mumbles to Dan, I can't make it out]"
Foreman," Now, I'm injecting a material that's tagged with a radioactive isotope. It's gonna enter your spine and travel up to your brain. It'll make you able to think deep thoughts, at about 100 miles per hour."
Dad, [Whispers] Easy.
Foreman," Their eyes aren't the same color, but that fleck in the eyes! that's maybe a one in ten chance if they're not related?"
Chase," Nah, House isn't gonna pay you based on that."
Foreman, [chuckles] Any excuse we can give the folks to justify a DNA test?
Chase, We could tell them he's got Huntington's. The whole family should be tested or they'll all die.
Foreman, [Chuckles again]
Foreman," Hey, there's a lot of blockage."
Chase, I've scheduled him for surgery. They're gonna put a shunt into one of the ventricles to give the cerebrospinal fluid an out.
Foreman," No more pressure, Everything goes back to normal."
House, He's lucky to have you as his doctors.
Young Mother," No formula, just mommy's healthy natural breast milk."
House, Yummy.
Young Mother, Her whole face just got swollen like this overnight.
House," Mmhmm. No fEver, glands normal, missing her vaccination dates."
Young Mother, We're not vaccinating.
Young Mother," [Takes a toy frog and starts to make frog sounds] Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [Giggles]"
House, Think they don't work?
Young Mother, I think some multinational pharmaceutical company wants me to think they work. Pad their bottom line.
House, Mmmm. May I? [He takes the frog and starts to do the gribbit noise with the baby]
Young Mother, [Whispered] Sure.
House," Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [The baby laughs] All natural, no dyes. That's a good business: all-natural Parkldren's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend on research and dEvelopment. The worst a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog."
House," Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for 6 months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatEver they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, beliEve me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit."
Young Mother, Tell me what she has.
House, A cold.
Cameron, There's a pRoblem.
House, Complications in surgery?
Foreman," Surgery went fine, he's in recovery, but we took a vial of CSF and tested it."
House, Really?
Foreman," Turns out the bowing wasn't the cause of his pRoblems, it was a symptom."
Chase," Oligoclonal bands, and an increase of intrathecal IGG."
House, Which means multiple sclerosis. And the reason it takes three of you to tell me this?
Cameron, Because we're having a disagreement about whether or not it is MS.
Chase, No lesions on the MRI.
Foreman, It's early; he's had the disease for maybe two weeks.
Cameron, McDonald criteria requires six months to make a definitive diagnosis.
House," Oh, who cares about McPherson? I hear he tortured kittens."
Foreman, McDonald.
House," Oh, McDonald. Wonderful doctor, loved kittens."
Foreman, The VEP indiCates slowing of the brain.
Cameron, Without the lesions we can't be sure.
House," Well if it is, it's gone from 0 to 60 in three weeks, which would indiCate rapidly progressive MS. Not the fun MS with the balloons and the bike rides for cripples in wheelchairs."
Cameron, We should wait until we [interrupted]
House," Start treating him now, he can walk for another couple of years, maybe live for another 5. Break it to the family. I'm going home."
Chase, It'll take months for a definitive diagnosis.
Dan, What'll happen to me?
Chase," MS is an incredibly variable disease, if it is MS, and we're not 100% sure."
Dad, What do you think is gonna happen?
Chase," There are some medications to Manage the symptoms, but as the disease progresses the pRoblems will become more sEvere: bowel and bladder dysfunction, loss of cognitive function, pain."
Dan, It's gonna hurt?
Chase," The brain's like a big jumble of wires. MS strips them of the insulation, and the nerves die. The brain interprets it as pain, but by starting treatment we're gonna avoid that for as long as possible. We're looking into a couple specialists, and until we get you squared away you'll stay here. Ok?"
Cameron, Security checked the videotapes for all the perimeter cameras; he's still gotta be in the hospital.
Foreman, Where's Chase?
Cameron, Main floor.
Foreman," Ok, you take the cafeteria and administration. I'll hit the research annex and work my way back to you."
Chase, Dan?
s answering maParkne, I'm not here. Leave a message.
House," Dr. Cuddy, great outfit."
Cuddy, What are you doing back here? Patient?
House," No, hooker. Went to my office instead of my home."
Foreman," Dr. House, Dan's missing."
House," Yeah, I got that part from the message. You said I was needed immediately."
Foreman, He shouldn't move after a lumbar puncture.
House," I agree, he's gonna have a very nasty headache. That would also be my opinion if consulted tomorrow morning."
Foreman, We wanted to keep you informed. He heard some pretty heavy news.
House, [Sighs] This is not a toddler wandering around a department store. He's 16. You'll find him. I'm going home.
Foreman," So, when you say ""Call me if you need anything,""ù You mean, ""Don't call me.""ù"
House," No, I mean ""Call me if I can do something.""ù I'm bad at search parties and I'm bad at sitting around looking nervous doing nothing."
Foreman, What about his parents? Should we call them?
House, Why? You think they're hiding him? Make sure someone checks the roof; some of the orderlies keep the door propped open so they can grab a smoke.
Chase," Dan? You ok? [Pause] There are experimental treatments, ongoing research! Who knows what they'll discover in a year or two?"
Dan, This is where I dropped the ball.
Chase," Dan, we're standing on the roof of the hospital! Dan! Dan, you're not on the field!"
Cameron, He doesn't know where he is.
Foreman, Dan!
Chase, Foreman!
Chase, Dan.
Cameron, Dan!
Foreman, Dan! No!
House, Dr. Foreman. I assume you found the kid.
Foreman, He almost walked off the roof.
House, Suicidal?
Foreman," No, he thought he was on his lacrosse field. Look, look, I was just gonna run home, shower, change![interrupted]"
House, Conscious?
Foreman, Yeah.
House, How'd you talk him down?
Foreman," Actually, Chase tackled him."
House, How come you didn't do it?
Foreman," Right, well, I am black, but he was closer."
House," Come on, you can ride up with me."
House, Anybody tell the family that their boy almost stepped off a roof? They must be thrilled.
Cameron," They're not suing, but I think only because Chase asked them."
House," Why does Everyone always think I'm being sarcastic? This is great news! He doesn't have MS. The parents should be thrilled, well, the mom anyway. Of course, the dad pRobably doesn't know![interrupted]"
Foreman, Why doesn't he have MS?
House," He was on the roof thinking he was on the lacrosse field, conscious, and therefore not a night terror. You want some of this? [Asking Foreman about the coffee]"
Foreman," Yeah, sure."
House," He was in an acute confusional state, which doesn't fit with a demyelinating disease like MS."
Foreman, The oligoclonal bands.
Chase, That the immune system is working.
House," Right, he has an infection in his brain."
Cameron, What about sex?
House," Well, it might get compliCated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that."
Cameron, I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
House," Heh, nice cover."
Chase," Sorry, RPR was negative."
House, We don't need a definitive test to confirm this.
Cameron," Sure, didn't need one to confirm MS."
House," Ok, let's wait for you to run titers on 4000 viruses while this kid's brain turns to mush."
Foreman," So the fact that he doesn't have MS is, it's really not good news after all?"
House," Well, it is if it's neurosyphilis, the likelihood of a false negative on an RPR test, 30%, the likelihood of a 16 year old having sex, roughly 120%."
Cameron, I'll start him on IV penicillin.
House, We're not going to wait for that. The most effective way to deliver the drug is right into his brain via the spine.
Foreman," We can't. In a cramped space like the brain, increased intracranial pressure from a high-volume drug like penicillin could herniate his brain stem and kill him. No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that."
House, Show of hands. Who thinks I'm not in my right mind?
House, And who thinks I forget this fairly basic neurological fact?
House, Who thinks there's a third option?
House," Very good, what's the third choice?"
Chase," No idea, you just asked if I thought there was one."
Foreman," [Sighs] The Patient has a shunt in his brain. There'll be no increased pressure, we can put as much penicillin into his body as we want."
House," Excellent, inject him through a lumbar puncture."
FoeMan, One of us is going to do this to you twice a day for the next two weeks.
Dan,[Sighs]
Dad, He could get syphilis Even if he's not sexually active?
Foreman," Well, it's unusual, but it's possible. Relax."
Dan," [Sighs again, and then grunts in pain]"
House," Geesh. It's infected, with a really big hole like you stuck a nail in it to reliEve the pressure."
 Funsten, I wouldn't do that.
House," Although the wound is irregular, not cylindrical, it's shaped like a triangle, so not a nail. Steak knife?"
Funsten, Wife's nail file.
House," [Whispered] Nail File. Yeah, pain'll make you do stupid things. Something to take the edge off? [Takes out his pills and puts one in his hand]"
Funsten, Yeah.
House, Cheers. [Dry swallows the pill and Funsten eats his (ewwwww)] [Limps back
Funsten, No.
House, Here on work?
Funsten," No, why are you [interrupted]"
House, Does your penis hurt?
Funsten, No. What? Should it?
House," No, just thought I'd toss you a really inappropriate question. Your Lawyer's gonna love it."
Funsten, Why would I want to sue you? I want you to treat me.
House," You're from Maplewood, New Jersey. Right?"
Funsten, Yeah.
House," Now, why would you drive 70 miles to get treatment for a condition that a 9 year old could diagnose? It's the free-flowing pus that's the tip-off."
Funsten, I was in town.
House," Not for family, not for work. You drove 70 miles to a walk-in-clinic. You passed two hospitals on the road. Now, either you have a pRoblem with those hospitals, or they have a pRoblem with you. My guess is that you've sued half the doctors in Maplewood, and the rest are now refusing to treat you. It's ironic, isn't it? It's like the boy who sued wolf. You know what? I bet we have a doctor here named Wolfe. How perfect would that be? I'm gonna page him."
Funsten," Ok, you know what? Thank you, I'm gonna find a doctor to take care of this."
House," I didn't say I wouldn't treat you. We'll drain your knee, run some lab work, fix you right up."
Funsten, Why would you do that?
House, I'm a people person.
Wilson, You actually treated him?
House," All I know is that he sued some doctors, who am I to assume that they didn't have it coming to them. [Stops when he sees Cuddy coming] The cutest little tennis outfit, my God I thought I was going to have a heart attack.[Acts like he just realized that Cuddy was there.] Oh my, I didn't see you there, that is so embarrassing."
Cuddy, How's your hooker doing?
House," Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that."
Cuddy, I heard you found her on the roof.
House, You have very acute hearing.
Cuddy, You notify the parents?
House," In due course, of course."
Cuddy, And is there a paternity bet on the father of the Patient?
House, Doesn't sound like me.
Wilson," Well, it does actually, but that doesn't mean you're guilty."
House, You think?
Cuddy," I saw the parents in the lobby, smart money is obviously on the father."
House, [Stage whisper] My guy knows a guy who can get you in for $50 bucks.
Cuddy," Fine. You tell your guy if I win, you attend the faculty symposium and you wear a tie."
House," And if I win, no clinic hours for a week."
Cuddy, My guy will call your guy.
Wilson, She's very good at her job.
Chase," The treatments should start helping soon. Let us know if it gets easier to focus on things, remember stuff."
Chase," Hey Dan, isn't Dr. Cameron's necklace a beauty? Something South American, I think."
Cameron," Yeah, Guatemalan."
Dan, It's a cool necklace.
Cameron, Thank you so much.
Chase, The kid's in pain.
Cameron, [Scoffs]
Dan, No.
Chase," No, what?"
Chase, Dan? You ok?
Cameron, Dan?
Cameron, He's hearing voices.
Chase," [muffled] Dan? [Regular] Push three milligrams IV, stat!"
Cameron, Come on Dan!
Dan, [screaming] GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Cameron, Auditory hallucination shows further brain degeneration.
Chase, Penicillin's not working.
House," So, either it's a bad batch of penicillin, or our diagnosis is wrong. Square one. ""Mignight.""ù"
Foreman," LFTs, BUN, and creatinine, are all normal, diabetes is out. No gap."
House," There goes metabolic. [Crosses off ""M""ù]"
Cameron, MRI rules out vasculitis.
House," ""I""ù for inflammation. [Crosses out the ""I""ù]"
Chase, Too young for anything degenerative.
House," ""D""ù, see ya. [Crosses out the ""D""ù] ""N""ù for neoplastic?"
Chase, MRI was clean.
House," ""I""ù for inflammation."
Cameron, We already did that.
House, Stupid to have two I's in one mneumonic. What's the other one?
Foreman, Infection.
Cameron, Oligoclonal bands still have to mean something.
Foreman, But no fEvers; white count's elevated but within range.
Chase, And we've tested for anything remotely possible. Everything is negative.
Cameron, CT scan rules out subdural.
House," Trauma, later much. [Looks at the board which is now all crossed out.] You know the pRoblem? Midnight is actually spelled with a ""G""ù and an ""H,""ù If we could just figure out what those two letters stand for. [Sighs and walks away for the board. His back is now facing the ducklings] It's a sick brain, having fun, torturing him, talking to him. [pause] Scaring the hell out of him. Get him an EEG, left and right EOG esophageal microphones. If this thing wants to talk, let's listen."
House, We're missing something. This is screwed up.
Wilson, That's why you came up with the brain talking to the virus thing?
House," I panicked, ok? Sounded cool though, they bought it."
House," Oh, crap. Another reason I don't like meeting Patients. If they don't know what you look like they can't yell at you. [Aside to Wilson] Here we go."
Mom, How can you just sit there?
House," If I eat standing up, I spill."
Dad," Our son is dying, and you could care less? We're going through hell; you're doing nothing?"
House," I'm sorry, you need to vent, I understand."
Dad, Don't be condescending. You haven't checked in on him once.
House," Blood pressure's 110/70, the shunt is patent well placed in the right lateral ventricle, the EKG shows a normal QRS with deep wave inversions throughout both limb and pericardial leads. LFTs are elevated but only twice the normal range. Oh yeah, and he's hearing voices. [Pause] Go hold his hand. Go on; I'll bus your tray."
House, Got any sample bags on you?
Wilson, I don't beliEve you. You're gonna run DNA tests?
House," Their son is deathly ill, I know it's terrible, but the fact is if I don't keep busy with trivial things like this I'm afraid I might start to cry."
Wilson, You're an ass.
House, Yeah? You want to double the bet?
House, General Hospital is on channel 6.
Foreman," Dan's brain's not showing channel 6 right now, only mush."
House, No epileptiform activity. [Turns to Cameron] What are you doing?
Cameron, Waiting for CBC and Chem-7.
House," Good, run DNA on these. [He puts down two cups that are labeled ""Mommy""ù and ""Daddy???""ù]"
Cameron, What's this?
House, Parents' coffee cups.
Cameron, I can't beliEve you [interrupted]
House," I've had this conversation once already. If you've got something else to do, do it. Otherwise, do this."
Funsten, Dr. House?
House," Hey, Mr. Funsten! I was wondering when you'd be back. Got some papers for me?"
Funsten, You've caused me considerable mental distress.
House," I certainly hope so. [Funsten hands him an envelope] What? Too cheap to have your Lawyer serve it for you, or is it more fun this way?"
Funsten, I'm obviously prepared to consider a settlement.
House, You have gonorrhea.
Funsten," No, I don't!"
House," Well, maybe you're right, but I have a lab result that says you do. It could be a false positive; normally I'd run a second test, but since you're here I'll just go with the first."
Funsten, You're just trying to scare me.
House," It's reportable you know, public health issue."
Funsten, I'll be sure to let my wife know.
House," Oh, don't bother yourself, the state will call for you. Look, if you're clean I'm sure this will all blow over, no big deal. There's an easy way to find out, get one of your doctors to run a test."
House, Uh-uh. These are mine now. I'll see you in court. [House enters the elevator.]
Foreman," West Nile negative, not surprising, since not too Many mosquitoes passing through Jersey in December."
Chase, No Eastern Equine Encephalitis.
Cameron, You guys aren't going to beliEve this.
Chase, What's that?
Cameron," House was right, the father's not the father."
Foreman, [Sighs] Dude doubled up on me.
Chase," You're not gonna beliEve this, the mother's not the mother either."
Cuddy, It's not a good idea to move your son in his condition.
Mom, We just want a second opinion.
Dad, We need an answer.
House, You idiots! You lied to me!
Dad," We didn't lie about anything. You, on the other hand, accused us of molesting our son."
Cuddy, Perfect.
House, Can we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs is bigger. You're not Dan's parents.
Mom, We're his parents.
Dad, He was adopted. He doesn't need to know.
House, I do.
Dad, Adoption makes him just as much his [interrupted]
House," Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition, or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide world?"
Cuddy, How did you find out about this?
House, I sampled their DNA.
Dad, We didn't give you any DNA.
House, Your coffee cups from the cafeteria.
Cuddy, You can't do that!
House," Again, why are we getting hung up on what I did? [Turns to Dan's parents] Your medical history is useless."
Dad," No, we gave you a detailed history of his biological mother."
Mom," Her history; non-smoker, good health, low cholesterol, no blood pressure pRoblems."
Dad, Dan was adopted two weeks after he was born. You have his history. There's nothing you need to know that we didn't tell you.
Cuddy," Sounds reasonable. Well, if you want to transfer your boy that is your choice, but I still think it's the wrong [interrupted]"
House," Was she vaccinated? [Pause] The biological mother, when she was a baby, did she get her vaccinations?"
Dad, Dan was vaccinated at 6 months.
House," Mm hmm, and do you know why kids get vaccinated at 6 months? Because before that, they are protected by their biological mother's immune system. So, was she vaccinated?"
House," An infant picks up a regular old measles virus. He gets a rash, he's extremely uncomfortable, has a wicked fEver, but he lives. Here's the kicker, once Every million or so times, the virus mutates. [Cut to House's office. House and the ducklings are there] Instead of Dan having a fEver and a rash the virus travels to his brain and hides like a time bomb. In this case for 16 years."
Foreman, Sub-acute Sclerosing Pan-encephalitis.
House, I know. There's only been 20 cases in the United States in the past 30 years.
Foreman, I suppose you could make an argument that the kid's still in stage one. Once SSPE moves to stage two [Interrupted]
House," Boom, stage two is universally fatal."
Cameron, I assume it's impossible to tell when he might move into stage two.
House," He's already started showing symptoms. It could be a month, it could be tonight."
Cameron, Can we treat it?
House, Ask the neurologist.
Foreman, Intraventricular interferon.
Chase, We're not gonna shove a spike into his brain and drip interferon without confirming this diagnosis.
House, Tap him.
Foreman," We won't get a reliable result for measles antibodies in his CSF, not after Everything we've given him."
House," So the wrong treatment kills any hope of the right diagnosis. Why do people lie to me? [Pauses and sighs] It could also kill him. Your ball, Foreman, tell me I don't have to biopsy his brain."
Foreman," [Sighs] Well, there is one other way."
Dan, You sure this isn't gonna hurt?
Foreman," Yeah, it's just scary as hell. See, we go through the pupil. You won't feel it; the eye's been paralyzed. The needle travels to the back of the eye which is where we perform the biopsy on your retina."
Foreman," So we've confirmed that the pRoblem is this mutated virus. The treatment for SSPE is intra-ventricular interferon. We implant an Ommaya reservoir under the scalp, which is connected to a ventricular catheter that delivers the antiviral directly to the left hemisphere [interrupted]"
Dad," Look, you want us to consent to this? I don't Even understand what you're talking about."
Foreman," Well, the antiviral![pauses] Look, I'm sorry, I can explain this as best I can, but the notion that you're gonna fully understand your son's treatment and make an informed decision, is, it's kinda insane. Now, here's what you need to know, it's dangerous, it could kill him, you should do it."
Cuddy," You can't order a $3,200 DNA test to win a bet."
House," It's not an actual cost. I don't know if you know this, but the hospital actually owns the sequencing maParkne."
Cuddy, I'm serious.
House," Well, tell the parents to submit the bill to insurance."
Cuddy, Insurance is not going to pay for a bet.
House," It should. If we don't make that bet, the kid dies. If not for the paternity bet, I nEver would have taken their DNA, without their DNA we nEver would have discovered that Dan was adopted, which was the key to this case. You just don't want to pay your end. Big mistake. My guy knows a guy."
Cuddy," Fine. I will let you out of clinic duty for one week, after you pay the $3,200 for the PCR test."
Cuddy, Whoo.
House," Well now, there's the $100 you owe me, there's the $100 I won from Cameron, $200 I took off of Foreman, and $600 I got from Wilson. Very bitter."
Cameron," Hey, good morning."
Foreman," Good news on your EEG, treatment is working."
Cameron, And your immune system is responding.
Foreman," I know it's early, but let me take a look. Let's see what that brain of yours can do. Name as Many animals as you can that start with the letter ""O""ù."
Dan," Ostrich, ox, old elephant."
Cameron," Well, that's 2 better than last time. How you doing with the whole adoption thing?"
Dan, I knew since 5th grade.
Foreman, How's that?
Dan," Cleft Parkn. I have one, my dad doesn't. I looked it up on the Internet; it's one of those trait things."
ForMan," That's right, it's autosomal dominant. Since neither of your parents have cleft Parkns, it's highly unlikely that you're biologically related."
Cameron, You sure you're ok?
Dan, I've got no pRoblems with being adopted. I love my parents.
Dad, How's he doing?
Cameron, He's doing pretty well. He's a smart kid. I think he's gonna be fine.
Dad, Thanks.
House," Wheels, one-eight! Wheels!"
Brandon," I didn't sleep well last night, and I woke up with a scratchy throat. I just don't feel so good. [Pause] Uh, cough, [clears his throat] Yeah, I'm, I'm, a bit of an upset stomach too, and I think I'm running a fEver, I'm just worried I might be contagious. [Coughs] Inventory, tomorrow, yeah I'm sure I'll be feeling better by then. [Pause] Thanks, Mr. Nobby."
Mindy, I cannot beliEve you just did that.
Brandon, I really do have a cough.
Mindy," Oh, so you weren't lying, you'd be curled up in bed with a bowl of Parkcken soup Even if you didn't have a horny girl in your bed?"
Brandon," Yes, [laughs] Because I really do, hey, I really do have a cough."
Mindy, You also have a little rash. [giggles]
Brandon," Um, umm, I'm uh not sure that we should be kissing."
Mindy," Oh, that's ok, because I have almost no interest in kissing you."
Both, [Laugh]
Mindy," [Panting and giggling] Oh, Brandon. (singsongy) Brandon, I know I'm good but come on. Brandon, Brandon, Brandon! [Brandon is unconscious.]"
House, Why do you want me to treat this guy?
Wilson, Blood pressure's not responding to IV fluids.
House," No, no I didn't ask how you plan to con me into treating him, I asked you why YOU want me to treat him."
Wilson," He's sick, I care, I'm pathetic."
House," There are about a billion sick people on the planet, why this one?"
Wilson, Because this one's is in our emergency room.
House," Ah, so it's a proximity issue. If somebody was sick in the third floor stairwell that's who we would be talking about."
Wilson," Yes, I checked the stairwell, it's clear."
House," Ok then, emergency room guy it is."
Wilson," Wait, how was that so easy?"
House, You know why.
Wilson, Blood pressure's not responding to IV fluids?
House," Yeah, that's just weird."
House," CBC was unremarkable, abdominal CT scan didn't show anything. So, people, differential diagnosis. What's wrong with her?"
Cameron, Him.
House," Him, her, does it matter? Does anyone think it is a testicular pRoblem? No, so Chase!"
Chase, Absidia infection?
Foreman," No, you wouldn't get the rash or cough. What about arthritis? Accompanying vasculitis causes nerve damage ""ì"
Cameron," No, it wouldn't cause the blood pressure pRoblems. Allergy?"
Chase, The kid's got abdominal pain. Maybe carcinoid?
Foreman," Nah, but then you wouldn't get the ""ì [House slams a giant book in front of Foreman.]"
House," Foreman, if you're going to list all the things it's not, it might be quicker to do it alphabetically. Let's see. Absidia? Excellent. Doesn't account for any of the symptoms."
Cameron, No condition accounts for all these symptoms.
House," Well, good! Because I thought maybe he was sick, but apparently he's not. Who wants to do up the discharge papers? [pause] Okay, unless we control the blood pressure, he's going to start circling the drain before we can figure out what's wrong with him. Treat him for sepsis, broad-spectrum antibiotics and I want a cort-stim test and an echocardiogram."
Chase, You all right?
Brandon, Yeah.
Foreman, Cort-stim tests will tell us if your pituitary and adrenal glands are working properly.
Mindy, His glands? What does that mean?
Chase, We have a few theories we're working on.
Mindy, You mean you don't know.
Brandon, Mindy!
Mindy," I'm just saying if they knew they wouldn't be testing you, they'd be treating you."
Foreman," Yeah, well, that's the way it works. First you find out what it is, then we get you better."
Cuddy, You're half an hour late.
House, Busy case load.
Cuddy," One case is not a ""load""ù."
House," So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's an acute shortage I could run home ""ì"
Cuddy," [looks at his leg] No, you couldn't."
House," Nice. [He walks over to the waiting room full of Patients.] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! [Cuddy looks at him incredulously.] In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring Parkt-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Gregg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning."
Cuddy," Short, sweet. Grab a file."
House," This ray of sunshine is Dr. Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored [looks at Cuddy] certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is here against his will. That is true, isn't it? [Cuddy just looks at him.] But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain Management pRoblem, I have a pain pRoblem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [None of the clinic Patients seem too eager.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? [Everyone raises their hands.] Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind."
Cuddy, Jodi Matthews? [Jodi stands.] Please accompany Dr. House to Exam Room 1.
Mindy, Dr. Chase!
Chase, I'm not sure scaring your boyfriend is the best medicine for him right now.
Mindy," I know, I get! stupid when I'm scared."
Chase, Don't go rock climbing.
Mindy," Look, I was wondering!. Before this happened, we were having sex."
Chase," What, you, you're wondering if whatEver he has you might have gotten it? It's unlikely, we ran a complete STD panel, so ""ì"
Mindy," No, I was wondering if maybe I did this to him. I was kind of rough."
Jodi, It was yellow.
House, It was?
Jodi, It's not any more.
House," Hmmm, that's a shame."
Jodi," I thought that might be a pRoblem, so I brought you this. [She hands him a paint color sample card.]"
House, Your mucus was pale goldenrod.
Jodi," Last week, yes. Should I be worried?"
House," Oh, yes. Very."
Jodi, Really? I thought I was okay now.
House," And yet, here you are. What happened? Paramedics took a week to respond to your 911 call?"
Jodi," You're not a very nice doctor, are you?"
House, And you are very bad at whatEver it is you do.
Jodi, You don't Even know me!
House," I know you're going to get fired. That's why you got the new glasses, that's why your teeth are sParkly white. You're getting the most of your health insurance while you still can."
Jodi, I might be quitting.
House, If you were quitting you would have known that last week when your snot was still pale goldenrod; you're getting fired.
Jodi, I just don't like being told what to do.
House, I'll get you in for a full body scan later this week.
Jodi, Thanks.
Foreman, It's got to be viral. We should start running gels and titers.
Chase, We should test the girlfriend's theory. She thinks she rode him to death.
Foreman, [laughs] What did you tell her?
Chase," Well, I told her 22-year old men don't die of sex."
Cameron, What'd you ask her?
Chase, What do you mean?
Cameron," I mean, I hope you got some specifics on exactly what was going on. It's a girl who thinks it could kill you! it's worth knowing about. [pause]"
Chase, Have you Ever taken a life? [Cameron gives him a dirty look. Foreman gets the lab results from the printer.]
Foreman, We should stop the antibiotics.
Cameron, It's too soon to say they're not having an effect.
Foreman," They're having an effect. His BP's falling fast. [Cut to a shot of Brandon coughing.] There's fluid filling his lungs. His creatinine's rising. [CG shot of the IV meds hitting Brandon's bloodstream.] His kidneys are shutting down. Our treatment isn't making him better, it's killing him."
House," So, we had six symptoms that didn't add up to anything, now we have sEven. Who's excited?"
Foreman, I don't think it compliCates things. The kidney failure was caused by the antibiotics.
House, Maybe.
Foreman," Typically, low blood pressure and abdominal pain means an infection. An abdominal infection causes sepsis, low blood pressure!"
Chase, Except we checked for abdominal infections.
Foreman," I know, but what if it's the other way around. What if the low blood pressure is causing the abdominal pain?"
Cameron," Viral heart infection. The intestines aren't getting enough blood, and the result is belly pain."
Foreman, I know it's not the standard presentation.
Chase, It's a 10 million to one shot.
Foreman," I thought that's what we dealt with, here. It explains the cardiomyopathy, pain, the low BP, the fEver."
House," You read the book. Impressive. It's a ludicrously long shot that explains Every one of those symptoms, except for the cough and the rash. Should we just erase those?"
Foreman," Well, anything can cause a rash."
House," Okay. [He grabs a colored marker.] Cardiac infection. [He circles all of the applicable symptoms, puts down the marker, and then picks up a different marker.] Cameron, you thought! allergy? [Circle, new marker, repeat.] Chase, what was it you thought, carcinoid? And then there's hypothyroidism, could be parasites. Finally, sinus infection."
Foreman," If you're going to list all of the things it can't be, you're gonna need more colors."
House, Cameron was right. No condition explains all these symptoms. But orange and green covers Everything.
Chase," Orange and green? Two conditions, contracted simultaneously?"
Foreman, Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
House, And you think one is simpler than two.
Cameron," Pretty sure it is, yeah."
House, Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchanged fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. You going to go with the two or the one?
Foreman, I think your argument is specious.
House," I think your tie is ugly. Why is one simpler than two? It's lower, lonelier! is it simpler? Each one of these conditions is about a thousand to one shot. That means that any two of them happening at the same time is a million to one shot. Chase says that cardiac infection is a 10 million to one shot, which makes my idea 10 times better than yours. Get a calculator, run the numbers."
Chase, We'll run the tests.
House, Tests take time. Treatment's quicker. Start the kid on Unasyn for the sinus infection and! what was orange?
Cameron, Hypothyroidism.
Brandon, My uncle has hypothyroidism.
Cameron," Not like this. Intravenous levothyroxine is an artificial thyroid medication that should take care of it. Also, the nurses are going to start you on Unasyn, it's a more targeted antibiotic."
Mindy, For the sinus infection?
Cameron, Yes.
Mindy, And the other stuff is for! something else entirely?
Cameron," Bad luck, huh? Don't worry, he should be back to ditParkng work in no time. [The door opens, Brandon's parents come in {referenced as Mr. and Ms. Merrell)]"
 Merrell, Brandon?
Brandon, Hey. [coughing]
 Merrell, We're his parents. How's he doing?
Cameron," Um, Brandon is ""ì"
Brandon," Um, Mom, Dad, this is Mindy. I was going to bring her home for Christmas, so!. We're engaged. [Cameron raises her eyebrows. Brandon's parents smile.]"
Chase, Tell the family House's theory?
Foreman, Two odd conditions striking completely coincidentally at the exact same time?
Cameron, I didn't phrase it quite that way.
Chase, They agree to treatment?
Foreman," Of course they did, we're doctors. They beliEve whatEver we tell them. [pause] So, is that our job? House's puppets? He comes up with an insane idea, we get to pretend it's not?"
Cameron," His insane ideas are usually right. We've been here long enough to ""ì"
Foreman, -- been here long enough to have Stockholm Syndrome. [Chase and Cameron laugh.]
Chase," What? Because we don't hate him? He thinks outside the box, is that so evil?"
Foreman," He has no idea where the box is! If you guys think he's right, go home. Relax. Just wait for the kid to get all better. I'm going to the lab to test for viral infections. [He walks off; Chase and Cameron follow.]"
Foreman, Negative for Coxsackie-B virus.
Chase," SEven down, about 5000 to go. You really think we're going to come up with your mystery virus by running gels until we guess it right? [We see that Cameron is in a separate part of the lab from Foreman and Chase.]"
Foreman," No, I think we're going to get it by standing around watParkng other people work."
Chase," I'm waiting for the Epstein Barr virus. [looks at Cameron] She's weird, isn't she?"
Foreman, Bad idea.
Chase, What?
Foreman, Bad idea. You work with her.
Chase," What did I say? Is ""weird""ù some new ghetto euphemism for sexy, like ""bad""ù is good and ""phat""ù is good? Then what the hell does ""good""ù mean?"
Foreman," ""Ghetto euphemism""ù? [Chase laughs.] You don't think she's hot?"
Chase, No.
Foreman," Wow, then you're brilliant. And I am using ""brilliant""ù as a euphemism."
Chase," Obviously, the girl is hot. You, you're not talking about her aesthetics, you're talking about if I want to jump her. I don't."
Foreman," Brilliant. [long pause, a test beeps] Your Epstein Barr is ready."
Clinic Patient, What are you doing?
House, LEvel 4.
Patient," No, I mean ""ì"
House, I know what you meant. We're waiting.
Patient, My throat hurts.
House, So you said.
Patient, How long are we waiting?
House, Two minutes less then when you asked me two minutes ago. [Cuddy walks in.]
Patient, Hi.
Cuddy, Hi. I'm Dr. Cuddy. Nice to meet you.
House," Dr. Cuddy, thanks for the consult. [He closes the Gameboy.] His throat seems to have some condition."
Cuddy," Say ""Ah""ù."
Cuddy, He has a sore throat.
House," Of course! Yes, why didn't I! I mean, because he said that! it hurt, and I, I should have deduced that meant it was sore!"
Cuddy, I was in a board meeting.
House," Patients come first, right?"
Cuddy," Wouldn't want to prescribe a lozenge if there was any doubt about its efficacy, huh?"
House," You once asked why I think I'm always right, and I realized that you're right! at least, I think you're right. I don't really know now, do I? [Cuddy smiles.]"
Patient, Hey! I'm here.
Cuddy, Go home. Drink some hot tea. [She leaves.]
House, Excellent counsel.
Cameron, Negative on parvovirus B19.
Foreman, I'm impressed.
Cameron," Thank you, I was born to run gels."
Foreman, I meant about Chase.
Cameron, What about Chase?
Foreman," Well, the Man has no physical interest in you. He has a completely professional relationship with you, he respects you as a colleague and a doctor, and yet he can't look at you without thinking sex."
Cameron, Because I asked what kind of sex could kill you?
Foreman, You now have total control over your relationship with him.
Cameron," So, a Woman can't express her interest in sex without it being some professional powerplay?"
House," No. [House walked in to the lab, unbeknownst to the other doctors.] If you look the way you do, and you say what you said, you have to be aware of the effect that it'll have on men."
Cameron, Men should grow up.
House," Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves, it's not gonna happen. [Chase comes in.]"
Chase, What's going on? [Cameron abruptly stops laughing.]
Cameron," Yeah, what are you doing here?"
House, Looking for you guys.
Foreman, Why didn't you page us?
House, 'Cause I knew you'd be here.
Chase, Who told him?
House," No one. I assume you're trying to prove my crazy two-illness theory wrong, so, obviously, you're going to be in the lab. You spin the urine? [He pops a Vicodin.]"
Foreman, Not yet.
House, Talk to me when you have.
House, What did you find out?
Foreman, The kidney failure. It's acute interstitial nephritis.
House, I wonder if that's signifigant.
Foreman, It means the antibiotics didn't cause the kidney failure. How did you know?
House," Well, if you guys hadn't been so busy trying to prove me wrong, you might have checked in on the poor kid."
Foreman, You visited a Patient?
House," I was sitting by his bed all morning, just so he'd know someone was there for him."
Wilson, I looked in on him. He's much better.
House," Ergo, the treatment's working. Ergo, me right, you wrong."
Foreman," Hey, I'm glad for the kid. [He leaves.]"
Wilson, That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
House, Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
Wilson," I get that you're not a big beliEver in the 'catParkng flies with Honey' approach, but do you honestly think you'll collect a jarful by clEverly taunting them?"
House," Flies, no. Doctors, sure. If I'd said to Foreman, ""Nice try, it was a great guess, but not this time,""ù what do you think he'd be doing right now?"
Wilson, I think he'd be going home not feeling like a piece of crap.
House, Exactly.
Wilson, You want him to feel like a piece of crap?
House," No, I don't want him going home."
Brandon, Dr. Foreman. [coughs]
Foreman, Still have the cough.
Brandon," I'm feeling a lot better, though."
 Merrell," His fEver's gone, and his rash is going away."
Foreman, I see.
Mindy, Is Everything okay?
Foreman, Just ordering some tests. Absolutely nothing to worry about.
Patient, How much longer?
House," 9:30, I figure she was on the 8th hole when I paged her! [he grimaces as his guy dies, and hands her the Gameboy] PRobably got another half hour. [She starts to play as Foreman opens the door.]"
Foreman," I ran a TSH, T3 and T4. Patient's negative for hypothyroidism. [Patient looks up.] Not talking about you. [She goes back to the Gameboy.]"
House, Well the fact that he's getting better would indiCate the unreliability of the tests.
Foreman," If I'm right and it's a viral infection, one of two things always happens: Patient dies or the Patient's immune system fights off the invader. [nods toward Patient] What's with her?"
House," Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!"
Foreman," He's getting better. That doesn't prove you're right, it just proves he's getting better. [House smiles.] It, it's not two illnesses! It can't be two illnesses!"
House, I am so glad you work here.
Foreman," If I'm right, the antibiotics you prescribed could block his kidneys and liver, impeding his ability to fight off the virus. Could kill him."
House," Well, that certainly would be a concern. Fifty bucks? [Patient looks up.] Don't look away, the space monkeys will be all over you."
Foreman, You wanna bet on the Patient's health?
House," You think that's bad luck? Do you think that God will smite him because of our insensitivity? Well, if God does, you make a quick fifty. [Patient kills the little guy on the Gameboy.] Go check his white blood count. If he's fighting off a virus like you think it'll be way up. [He starts to play on the Gameboy again. Foreman leaves, and Wilson enters.]"
Wilson," Hey, Cuddy said you needed a consult, what's up? I'm busy."
Chase, Ah!
Cameron, I was just being glib.
Chase, You haven't said anything.
Cameron," No, before when I was talking about Brandon's girlfriend thinking sex could kill you. I was just making a joke because I was uncomfortable."
Chase," Oh, I don't Even remember what you said."
Cameron, I'm uncomfortable about sex. [Chase turns quickly.]
Chase," Well, we don't have to talk about this!"
Cameron," Sex! could kill you. Do you know what the huMan body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets [Chase is starting to look uncomfortable], respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere and secretions spit out of Every gland [Chase starts to look for an escape route], and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly, and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun! the huMan race would have died out eons ago. [small pause] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour-long orgasm? [Chase is very wide-eyed; Foreman walks in.] Hey, Foreman. What's up?"
Chase," Hey, Foreman!"
Foreman, Hey. [House walks in.]
House," White cell count isn't up, is it?"
Foreman," No. We were both wrong. White cell count is down, way down, and dropping. His immune system is shot. We need to get him into a clean room."
Chase," Can you walk, Brandon?"
Brandon," Yeah, a little."
Chase," All right, okay. 'Cause we'll need to leave the chair outside. [to the nurse helping him] Thank you. Where's April? April! [April comes in.] Can you take the chair, please? [to Brandon] I'll need to take your mask and your Robe, too. You might want to block your ears for this, it's quite loud. [They're blasted with air. Next we see Cameron, Foreman, the Merrells and Mindy watParkng Chase and Brandon in the clean room.)"
Foreman, Something's made his immune system compromised.
Cameron," His white blood cell count is down, which means his body can't fight off infections."
Foreman," If he gets sick, he'll die."
 Merrell, Sick. How sick?
Foreman," If he gets a cold, he'll die."
Foreman," Okay. I'm going to push the needle into your hipbone, and take some of the marrow. [He inserts a needle.]"
Brandon, That's not so bad.
Foreman," Hah, that was just the anesthetic. The core biopsy needle, it's a little bit bigger. Okay Man, take a deep breath, this is, this is gonna hurt. A lot. [Brandon seizes the bed and grimaces in pain.] Marrow makes the blood cells. You take a peek of it under a microscope, and maybe we find a viral infection. Maybe we find some fibrosis. Something to explain why your blood count is so low. [He fills the syringe with marrow.] There we go. One step closer to an answer."
Brandon, What if you don't find one? I can't stay here forEver.
House, The Patient could have died.
Cuddy, The one with the pulled muscle.
House," Well, those symptoms are consistent with a dozen other conditions. I, you know, I, I'm entitled to a consult!"
Cuddy, You are not getting out of clinic duty.
House," Oh, come on. You've got a hundred other idiot doctors in this building who go warm and fuzzy Every time they pull a toy car out of a nose, you don't need me here."
Cuddy," No, I don't, but working with people actually makes you a better doctor."
House, When did I sign up for that course?
Cuddy, When did I give you the impression that I care? [pause]
House," Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion. [He starts to walk out.] I've got your home number, right? In case anything comes up at 3 o'clock in the morning."
Cuddy," It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable: it's a game! And I'm going to win, because I got a head start. You are already miserable. [Cuddy leaves her office, and runs into Wilson.]"
Wilson, Uh!
Cuddy, Is this important?
Wilson," Uh, no."
Cuddy," No. [She leaves, as House exits her office.]"
Wilson, What's with you and her?
House, Don't.
Wilson," Do you have a thing for her? The only people who can get to you ""ì"
House," No! There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of Parkna with armed sentries posted Every 20 feet between love and hate. [to the pharmacist] 36 Vicodin."
Pharmacist, Who's the Patient?
House, I am.
Pharmacist, You can't!
House, Dr. Wilson is the prescribing physician.
Wilson," Yeah. [to House] You will lie, cheat and steal to get what you want, but you're incapable of kissing a little ass?"
House," Well, we all have our limitations. [He grabs a bottle from the counter and turns to leave.]"
Wilson," House! Wrong bottle. [He gives House the right bottle.] Do me a favor. Take one of these, wait five minutes for it to kick in, and find Cuddy, and kiss her ass. [pause]"
House," What was the kid's first symptom? [small pause] You did the history; of his 800 symptoms, which one hit him first?"
Wilson," Ah, the cough."
House, Gout. [He walks back into his office; they follow.]
Chase," Um, are we talking about Brandon?"
Foreman," Gout? Uric acid crystals in the joints? The symptoms are pain, swelling, redness, stiffness! not one of which do I see on that board."
House," Because he doesn't have gout. Every day, cells die. [CGI of! cells!] We survive because the remaining cells divide and replace the losses. The colParkcine, a gout medicine, blocks mitosis and stops cell division, which will result in abdominal pain, rash, nausea, fEver, kidney failure, low blood pressure, and will also mess with the bone marrow. [He crosses these all off the board.]"
Chase, But he doesn't have gout. Why would he have gout medication?
House," Because you guys were right. He didn't have two conditions at the exact same time. First, he got a cough. Now, because he's an idiot, he went to a doctor. In order to feel justified charging $200, the doctor felt he should actually do something. Oops. He wrote a prescription. 7000 people die each year from pharmacy screw-ups. Not nearly as Many as die from doctor screw-ups, but still, not something they use in their promotional material. The pharmacist gave him gout medicine instead of cough medicine. And the only thing it wouldn't do: it would do absolutely nothing to reliEve his cough. Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is almost always somebody screwed up."
Cameron," But once he checked into this hospital he was completely in our control. Our food, our pills, our Everything. So Even if you're right, no gout medication. He'd either continue to deteriorate or he would have gotten better. But he got better, and then he got worse. It doesn't fit. It doesn't make sense."
House," Okay. Two people screwed up. Not as simple as one, but!"
Mindy," He's resting; he ""ì"
House, I'm Dr. House. I'm your son's physician.
 Merrell," Oh, you're the one we haven't met yet."
 Merrell, You're the one he hasn't met. How can you treat someone without meeting them?
House," It's easy if you don't give a crap about them. That's a good thing. If emotions made you act rationally, then they wouldn't be called emotions, would they? That's why we have this nice division of labor: you hold his hand, I get him better. If I start tucking him in at night, well, that's not fair to you guys, and if you start prescribing medicine, that's not fair to me. So what I want to know is: who stepped on my side of the med? Who cared enough to get stupid enough to give him his cough medicine?"
Mindy," When we checked in Dr. Foreman said ""ì"
House," Tuesday, he's getting better. Wednesday, he's getting sick again. Somebody gave him his cough medicine Wednesday. [pause] Come on, nobody's gonna be mad. I just want to know who tried to kill the kid."
Foreman," Dr. House, maybe we should ""ì"
 Merrell, His throat was sore.
House, Page Dr. Occam. He's gonna want to hear about this.
 Merrell," Sorry! He was coughing, and I just wanted to help him ""ì"
House, I wish you would dare. Where are the pills?
 Merrell, He took the last of them before he was switched into that room.
Cameron, They're all gone?
 Merrell, It was just cough medicine!
House," No, it wasn't. Where's the bottle?"
Chase," We need to know exactly what you put in this bottle. We think it was colParkcine, a gout medication."
Pharmacist," If the prescription said cough medicine, that's what I dispensed."
Chase," The family is prepared to waive liability, all right? We just need to know what it was, what dosage it was ""ì"
Pharmacist, It was cough medicine.
Chase, [gives him the bottle] Refill it.
 Merrell, He's going to be okay.
Mindy, You don't know that.
 Merrell, Does Brandon like that quality in you? You're a little negative.
Mindy, Things don't always work out for the best.
 Merrell, It doesn't hurt to hope they do.
Mindy," No. Not unless it makes you figure you can do whatEver you want, like give people cough medicine. [Chase and the pharmacist come out from the back.]"
Chase," This is cough medication. This is what Brandon was supposed to get. [He shakes out three onto his hand.] They're small, round and yellow. Can you tell this Man what the pills in your son's medicine bottle actually looked like?"
 Merrell," They were small, round and yellow, exactly like this."
Mindy, Those were the pills that Brandon was taking.
Pharmacist," Hey, I'm just a pharmacist, but I know what cough medicine looks like, Doctor."
House, It was so perfect. It was beautiful.
Wilson, Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
House, And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Wilson, So true.
House, This doesn't bother you?
Wilson," That you were wrong? I try to work through the pain ""ì"
House, I was not wrong. Everything I said was true. It fit. It was elegant.
Wilson, So! reality was wrong.
House," Reality is almost always wrong. [takes some Vicodin] The cough medicine did something. Aggravated the condition. It's all over the place, must be in his blood."
Wilson, What if it is his blood?
House, Lymphoma?
Wilson, Unless you've got something better.
House," Well, we foolishly ruled out lymphoma because his CT scan showed no adenophathy, CBC showed a normal diffen smear, bone marrow showed no ""ì"
Wilson, Screw the tests. Do an exploratory laparotomy and find out what's in there.
House," He has no blood pressure, no immune system and no kidneys. Surgery will kill him."
Wilson," Yeah, you're right. Let's stick with the wrong pill theory. [pause]"
House, I'll schedule him for surgery.
Foreman," Okay, Brandon, we're gonna run this tube through your heart and into the pulmonary arteries in your lung."
Cameron, Sensors will give us information we need for the exploratory surgery later this afternoon.
Brandon, My fingers are numb.
Foreman," Try not to move. We're in the right atrium, trying to catch the flow through the tricuspid valve."
Chase, I think the catheter's curling in the atrium.
Foreman, Got it. We're in the RV now. [A monitor beeps.]
Chase, Ectopy. You must have irritated the heart wall.
Foreman, It'll calm down.
Chase, He can't tolerate any cardiac arrhythmia. Pull back.
Foreman, He needs this surgery. [Another monitor starts to beep.]
Cameron, Pressure's dropped.
Chase," You still with us, Brandon?"
Cameron, Get the curtains! [Chase closes them. They prepare the defibrillator.]
Chase, Charging. Clear! [Shock.] Sign of rhythm.
Cameron, I got a pulse.
Foreman," Yeah, but no surgery today."
House, How you doing?
Patient, Okay.
House," Great. I'm doing good, too. I get to knock off an hour early today. Know why? 'Cause I kissed my boss' ass, you Ever do that? I think she just said yes because she wants to reinforce that behavior. Wants me to kiss a lot of other people's ass, like she wants me to kiss yours. [Boy makes an odd face.] What would you want, a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die."
Patient, I should go.
House," You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no pRoblem. Gets wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop! Big stuff, you're going to rip something, which speaking medically, is when the fun stops."
Patient," How did you ""ì"
House," You've been here half an hour and haven't sat down, that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is, that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved on your arm, that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemorrhoids. [pause] I've been a doctor 20 years, you're not going to surprise me."
Patient, It's an MP3 player.
House," [has to digest this for a moment] Is it! is it because of the size, or the shape, or the pounding bass line?"
Patient, What are we going to do?
House, [looks at his watch] I'm gonna wait.
Patient, For what?
House," Okay, it's 3:00, I'm off. Would you tell Dr. Cuddy there's a Patient in Exam Room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads. [chuckles at his own joke; Cameron runs up.]"
Cameron, Brandon's not ready for surgery.
House," Okay, well, let's leave it a couple of weeks. He should be feeling better by then. Oh wait, which way does time go?"
Cameron, He crashed during prep. He's also experiencing pain in his fingers. I think some bug may have gotten in the clean room. I think we should double his dosage of GCSF to temporarily boost his blood cell count.
House, Pain in his fingers! right. [pops a Vicodin]
House, [to Mrs. Merrell] Hi again. [He enters the prep area.]
 Merrell," He can't go in ""ì"
 Merrell," Where's he going? [House walks in without all of the prep Robes, air, etc.]"
House," Hey! How y'all doing? Interesting fact: Every sEven years it's a whole new you. Inspiring metaphor, huh?"
Chase," Dr. House, this is a clean room."
House," Yeah, I read the sign. But cells of different organs reproduce at different rates. [He touches Brandon's leg, Brandon flinches and makes noises of protest.] So, a new kidney Every three years, a new stomach lining Every week!. This is why colParkcine poisoning causes all of these symptoms but not all at once."
 Merrell, But we went to the pharmacy. We saw the pills!
House," ColParkcine does its damage in a very specific order. First of all, there's a pain in the abdomen, the rash, the fEver! isn't that what you got first? Then, the kidneys go, which is exactly what happened to!."
Cameron, Brandon.
House," Right. Then it screws up your bone marrow, and then ""ì neuropathy. Painful tingling in the fingers and toes. And what do you suppose happens after that? [He rips out some of Brandon's hair. His mother doesn't look too thrilled.] Hair loss. The bad new is: your special boy is doing drugs."
 Merrell," No, he's not!"
House, Ecstasy?
 Merrell, No!
Brandon," Twice, with Dan and Mike."
House," D'you know what they cut that stuff with? Apparently colParkcine, unless you ingested the colParkcine through your contact lens solution, or skin cream, or some other drug you're lying about. I don't know how it happened, I don't care how it happened, it happened. Start!."
Cameron, Brandon.
House," Lovely name. Start Brandon on fab fragments, and give him some Tylenol for the hair I pulled out. And get some air in here! [He leaves the room and walks off with Wilson.] Make a note: I should nEver doubt myself."
Wilson," I think you'll remember. You know, it wouldn't hurt you to be wrong now and then."
House," What, you don't care about these people?"
Foreman," The colParkcine interferes with the ability of the heart muscle to contract pumping blood, lowering your blood pressure. [CGI of his heart.] The antibodies we're giving you should neutralize the colParkcine, allowing your heart to beat at its normal rate."
Brandon, When will you know?
Cameron," We know now. [Foreman gives the people outside a thumbs-up. Mrs. Merrell hugs her husband, and then hugs Mindy.]"
Wilson, Big weekend?
House," It's not for me, I'm fully stocked."
Wilson, Cuddy got you doing inventory?
House, Nope. Trying to solve that kid's case.
Wilson, The gout medicine OD?
House, Yeah.
Wilson, The fact that I know that it's a gout medicine OD would seem to indiCate that the case is already solved.
House," Well, you'd be wrong."
Wilson," What about the fact that the kid is now, I beliEve the technical term is, not sick?"
House, You know how Many forms of colParkcine there are on the market?
Wilson, Stop it.
House," Neither do I, but it's a lot. Pills, powders, liquids, IV fluids!. Somewhere at a party, in his coffee, up his nose, in his ear, this kid had some."
Wilson," So, you're not happy with your Ecstasy theory?"
House, He said he used it twice.
Wilson, People lie.
House," Yeah, but if you're gonna lie, it's ""ì"
Wilson," You know what, I'm not interested."
House, Not curious?
Wilson," No, because I'm well-adjusted. [He walks off.]"
House, Right.
Cameron, Temperature's normal.
Brandon, I want Cousin Sharon there.
 Merrell," If we invite Sharon, we have to invite all the cousins."
Mindy, So what? My side of the family doesn't need anything. [Brandon starts coughing.]
Brandon," Don't suppose I could have some of those cough pills, huh? They're okay, right?"
Cameron," Yes, you're doing great."
Chase, You should invite Dr. House.
Brandon, Will he come?
Chase," No, but he'll send a gift."
Cameron, I'll make sure it's a good one. [She gives Brandon the cough pills.]
Brandon, There's a letter on the back of these pills.
Cameron, Your old pills didn't have a letter on them?
Brandon," No. Round and yellow, but no letter. [pause]"
Cameron," Well, these will help your cough. [She starts to leave.]"
Chase," Hey, you want to go get some ""ì"
Cameron, No.
 He finds the colParkcine and compares them to the cough medicine," small, round and yellow, but minus the letter.]"
Ethan Hartig, Amber.
Karen Hartig, [scoffs] No.
Ethan, Why not?
Karen, Amber's a stripper name.
Ethan," Find me one stripper named Amber Hartig. [small pause] Or not, okay. Non-stripper names, okay. [baby makes a few noises] Desiree? Bambi? Candy cane?"
Karen," Max. Maxine. Max Hartig is a cute name, isn't it?"
Ethan," If you're a professional boxer, maybe."
Karen, Can you beliEve we made this little creature?
Ethan," I know, it's incredible."
Karen, It's the most amazing thing we've Ever done.
Ethan, I almost ran the marathon last year.
Karen, [to Baby Hartig] If we're lucky you won't inherit your daddy's sense of humor.
Ethan, [waving a teddy bear] Hello! Say hi to Bear!
Karen, She hasn't Even eaten anything; what is she spitting up?
Ethan," Well, Honey, we can't bug them ""ì"
Karen," Just ""ì"
Ethan," Okay, okay."
Ethan," Sorry, it's our first kid, we're both a little panicky I guess."
 Lim," Well, you gotta ask the pediatrician next time. I just deliver 'em. [to Karen] She spitting up?"
Karen, Yeah. Second time in an hour?
Lim," [takes Baby Hartig] You lived underwater for nine months, you'd have a lot to spit up, too. [He touches Baby's cheek, who doesn't respond.]"
Karen, Is something wrong?
Lim," Eh, a little lethargic."
Ethan," We didn't think ""ì"
Lim, She's hot. [Baby starts seizing.]
Ethan," Is she, uh ""ì"
Karen, What's happening?
Lim, [simultaneously] Baby's seizing! Get the crash cart!
Ethan," What's, what's, what's, what's wrong?"
Lim, Can I get some help in here?!
Karen," Oh, oh God! Is she all right?"
A nurse, IV access?
Lim," No, ativan.[Dr. Lim puts Baby Hartig on the table, and starts to try to clear her airway.]"
Karen, What's going on?
Soap doctor, MRI results are back.
Soap Patient, And?
Soap doctor, It's what we expected. The accident caused serious damage.
House, It's amnesia.
Soap doctor, I'm sorry.
Soap Patient, I just can't beliEve it.
Lim," Enjoying our lounge, House?"
House," I just came in to get milk for my coffee, which you're out of."
 Kubisak, Flat or sParkling?
House, Flat.
Lim, [simultaneously] SParkling.
Kubisak," So, the Hartigs?"
Lim, Their baby gets a fEver.
Kubisak," Wait, don't tell me. Their kid had a seizure."
Lim," Yep. The parents, of course, start freaking and I have to deal with that for an hour."
Kubisak, Like it was your fault.
Lim," She was perfect when I delivered her. If you want to blame someone, blame the pediatrician."
Kubisak," So, how's the kid now?"
Lim," Bowel obstruction, she's under observation, she'll be fine. [While all this is going on, House is ""watParkng""ù the soap intently.]"
Kubisak, Pediatrician'll take all the credit.
House," [to Wilson] Exhibit A: Baby girl Hartig. Term baby, 42 hours old. Went into seizures 6 hours ago, brought into the intensive care, diagnosed with obstruction of the small bowel. [looks at Wilson]"
Wilson, I'm still amazed you're in the same room with a Patient.
House," People don't bug me until they get teeth. [small pause] Exhibit B: Baby boy Hausen. Another term baby, 48 hours old. Brought into the NICU before the Hartig baby: fEver of unknown origin, 101 degrees, trending upwards."
Wilson," Wow, that is amazing. You hung out in the OB/GYN lounge and heard about two sick babies. It's eerie. [goes to touch something, I'm presuming a baby]"
House, Don't touch that.
Wilson, [confused] All right!
House, We have an infection spreading in the hospital.
Wilson, [unbelieving] These kids have totally unrelated illnesses.
House," They fell sick within four hours of each other. They had the same delivery rooms, maternity rooms are neighboring, so transmission's possible. They have the same symptoms."
Wilson," The Hartig girl has a bowel obstruction. No matter how close their beds are, I'm pretty sure kids can't share a blockage."
House, What does bowel obstruction on a chart indiCate?
Wilson," Well, normally, I'd say it indiCates a Patient's bowel is obstructed, but I'm pretty sure you have some deeper truth to impart ""ì"
House, It means that some random doctor of indeterminate skill thinks that the Patient's bowel is obstructed.
Wilson," [trying not to laugh] Okay, you're upset because they threw you out of their lounge."
House, Look at the x-ray. It's a normal gas pattern.
Wilson," You want, I can get you a key to the oncology lounge."
House, [simultaneously] Air. Air in the colon.
Wilson, We're getting TiVo.
House," If it's air, no bowel obstruction."
Wilson," Even if it is air, it could have been there before the obstruction."
House, No. Something's infected both these infants.
Cuddy, And you're the only one who put this together because!?
House, Because I'm the only one who looked at both kids. I want them isolated; I want the maternity ward shut down.
Cuddy, Because you're better at reading an x-ray than a radiologist.
House," Radiologists always over-read babies' x-rays, especially if they're asked to rule out a pathology. He read into it what he wanted."
Cuddy, Which is exactly what you're doing. You're finding a cluster because you think it's interesting to find a cluster. Two! plain old sick babies would bore you.
House," See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, 'cause you give me all these really great insights for free."
Cuddy," [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake."
House, We have an epidemic! [Cuddy stops from going out the door and turns to House.]
Cuddy," [slowly] Two sick babies is very sad, but it doesn't prove an epidemic. [She leaves. House is left alone in her office.]"
House, How Many do?
House, Get up! We're going hunting.
Foreman, For what?
House, Wabbits.
House," Hi. [pause] Bye. [passes the baby to Foreman, saying quietly] He's screaming, he's fine."
Foreman," [puts the baby down, smiling and fully aware of the awkward situation] Good looking baby."
Cameron," Oh, sorry, wrong room."
Chase, [half-wave] We'll see you later.
Cameron," [out in the hall] 12 rooms, that's it?"
Chase," [closing the door to the room] Yep. We've definitely checked the whole floor. [They meet up with House and Foreman by the elevator.] Good news, no epidemic."
Foreman," Tragic, huh?"
House," [looks at elevator] Overflow rooms, third floor. [goes into elevator]"
Foreman, [to Cameron and Chase] This imaginary infection has spread to the next floor?
Judy, We were just going to call.
House, Did he get hot all of a sudden?
Judy, Yeah.
s voice," Don't worry, we're almost there."
Cuddy, Excuse me! Hi. Intake sent you up here?
Man," Yeah, my wife's contractions are less than ""ì"
Cuddy," Yeah, Intake messed up. I'm very, very sorry. Nurse Alpret will arrange for an ambulance to take you to Princeton General. [starts to wheel the pregnant Woman back to the elevator]"
Man," Wha ""ì"
Cuddy, The maternity ward is temporarily closed.
Woman, We have to leave?!
Cuddy," Yes, I am very sorry. [elevator opens, House comes out]"
Man, Why are you doing this? [Woman groans]
Cuddy," You'll be there very, very soon. [elevator door closes, next line to House] Happy now?"
House, No. But I am interested.
House," Three sick babies, and a fourth showing early symptoms."
Cuddy, How bad?
Chase, Spiking fEvers.
Foreman," BP's plummeting. They're barely able to keep systolic up; at this rate, they'll be dead in a day."
Cuddy, Where did this come from?
Cameron," Two delivery rooms, four different maternity rooms, no common personnel and no common equipment."
Cuddy," Well, there's gotta be something in common."
House, Yeah. That would be the difference between an epidemic and a coincidence.
Cuddy, I'm putting a team together. We're going to start swabbing. [She leaves.]
Foreman," What's she gonna swab? Every respirator, sink, vent, drain in the entire hospital? That'll take months."
Cameron, A needle in a haystack.
House, It's worse than that. We don't Even know what's the needle we're looking for. [He starts to erase the whiteboard.]
Cameron, Then why'd you let her go do it?
House," Because the hospital's her baby, and her baby's sick. If she doesn't solve this soon, her head's going to explode, and I don't want to get any on me. [Chase and Cameron snicker softly] So let's figure out what's in the haystack. Differential diagnosis, people."
Foreman, Parasite.
Cameron," Spreading too quickly. [House writes ""parasite""ù on the board and crosses it off.]"
House, Next?
Chase," Virus? [House writes ""virus""ù.]"
Cameron," Kids are too sick, and the blood tests show no lymphocytosis."
Foreman," And they're not responding to a cycle of avirarapovirin. If it's some other virus, we'll nEver find it in time, anyway. [House writes a question mark next to ""virus""ù.]"
House," Which leads us to bacterial infection. [which he writes on the board] It's not responding to broad-spectrum antibiotics, so we've got something resistant. The usual suspects."
Foreman, MRSA. It's always MRSA in hospitals.
Cameron, Maybe a contaminated food or water source? Psuedomonas.
Chase, VRE?
Foreman, H-Flu. [House writes these all down.]
House," Okay, those are the big ones. Cultures will take 48 hours, might as well be post-mortem. We'll start them on Vancomycin for the MRSA and Aztreonam for the rest. Let's get MRIs, check for abcesses or some occult infection. I'll be in the clinic. Grab me if you find something important. Or unimportant."
Cameron," [talking to Kim and Judy] We did a MRI on all the babies, and unfortunately, we didn't find anything, so we're starting him on the strongest antibiotics we've got, and we're hoping that that'll take care of it."
Judy, But he's so tiny.
Kim, How sick is he?
Cameron, [pause] His fEver's up to 103.5 and his blood pressures 80 over 40.
Judy," Um, how bad is that?"
Cameron," [freezes up] Ah, it!"
Foreman," [behind Cameron] It, it's low. The heart needs to circulate the blood. If it's weak, oxygen isn't getting to the liver, the kidneys, the brain. [Kim nods sadly.]"
Judy," Um, I have to ask you something."
Kim," Judy ""ì"
Judy," No, no, Kim. Let me. Um, I had a cold last month, and I told the doctors about it, and ""ì"
Kim," Honey, this has nothing to do with you."
Cameron, Kim's right. Your son was born healthy. He caught the infection after his birth. There's no reason to think he got it from you.
Judy," But you don't know, I mean ""ì You don't know how he got sick. [Cameron sighs and looks at Foreman.]"
Foreman, Pretty standard question: how sick is my Parkld? You couldn't answer it.
Cameron, I answered.
Foreman," You rattled off numbers! BP, O2 stats.! That's not what they need to know."
Cameron, What they need to know is the future. Got a magic 8-ball? [She starts to work on charts.]
Foreman," No, just eight years of medical training. Look, I realize it's tough to break bad news to family ""ì"
Cameron, Not as tough as hearing it.
Foreman, And I guess being the poor guy dying is toughest of all?
Cameron, [pause] No. It's easier to die than to watch someone die. [She leaves Foreman standing at the front clinic desk.]
Cuddy," Well, we're checking the vents, it could be airborne. Somebody get the sinks, too, and underneath them."
Med Student with the Tie, I'll get it.
Wilson, How Many med students have you got swabbing the decks?
Cuddy," Oh, what else are they going to do? It's not like they're delivering babies."
Wilson, Find anything yet?
Cuddy," Ah, yeah. About half the antibacterial gel dispensers are empty or broken."
Wilson," That's bad. And diagnostically, completely insignificant."
Cuddy," Well, if the staff can't wash their hands, it's no wonder an infection has spread. [While they're talking, we see Med Student's tie has been hanging in the sink and generally being a nuisance.] Hey, tie clip!"
Med Student with the Tie, Sorry?
Cuddy, We have an epidemic in this hospital and your tie is becoming a Petri dish. Put on a tie clip or take the damn thing off.
House, Lift up your arms. [She does so.] You have a parasite.
Jill, Like a tapeworm or something?
House," Lie back and lift up your sweater. [She lies back, and still has her hands up.] You can put your arms down."
Jill, Can you do anything about it?
House," Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [He starts to ultrasound her abdomen.]"
Jill, Illegal?
House," Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites ""ì"
Jill, Playdates!
House, [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes. [It's a baby!]
Jill, But! that's impossible.
House," Well, I assume you weren't getting your period. Maybe that should have give you an inkling."
Jill, But I'm on this birth control implant!
House," Yeah, I know. I saw the scar on your arm."
Jill, !and my doctor said I might not get any periods at all if it was working.
House," Mm hmm. Interestingly enough, you also don't get any periods if it isn't working, which is why you were supposed to get regular pregnancy tests. [Jill makes a pained face.] I'm going to send a nurse in here to schedule your prenatal care. You're due in about five months, so start planning the shower."
Jill," Um, Doctor? Please. Me and my husband wanted to have a kid soon, but! oh, God. Like four months ago we had this really big fight. [House looks like he knows where this is going] He moved out. I did something stupid."
House, One-night stand?
Jill, Ex-boyfriend.
House," I'll schedule you a paternity test, too."
Jill, I can't let my husband know.
House, Does the old boyfriend look like your husband?
Jill, [thinks a little] Yeah!
House," Then just have the kid. He'll nEver know. The most successful marriages are based on lies. You're off to a great start. [He leaves, Jill looks like she's going to cry.]"
House," Well, you look cheery. What's going on?"
Cameron, The Hartig and Chen-Lupino babies. Their kidneys are shutting down.
Chase, And the urine tests show no casts.
House, Which means the antibiotics are causing the kidney failure.
Foreman," You're the nephrologist. Which one did it? We'll take 'em off that one. [pause] Don't tell me both Vancomycin and Aztreonam can ""ì"
Chase, They both can cause this. There's no way to know which one it is. No test. [House looks at Chase.]
Foreman, We can't take them off the antibiotics. They'll die of the infection.
Cameron, If we leave them on both the antibiotics they'll die of kidney failure.
Chase," So, we take our best guess, then. Which drug's causing the kidney failure?"
Foreman, It's like I said: it's always MRSA in hospitals. Take 'em off Aztreonam.
Cameron, I still think it's the pseudomonas. I vote to take them off the Vancomycin. [long pause]
House, There's no point in guessing. Take one kid off Vancomycin and the other off Aztreonam.
Chase," They have the same disease, you want to give them different treatment?"
Foreman, What the hell are you doing?
House, Theraputic trial to find the cause of the infection.
Foreman, That's wrong.
House," We have four sick kids, at least. Who knows how Many more haven't started showing symptoms yet?"
Foreman, We have a duty to these two!
House, If these two have different reactions we know how to save the rest.
Foreman, So you're condemning one of these kids to die based on random chance. [pregnant pause]
House, I guess I am.
Cuddy," So, you're going to flip a coin? That's how you decide which baby lives?"
House, Can I borrow a quarter?
Hospital Attorney," Do you want to get sued, lose your license, House? Well, generally I'd applaud that, but my job is to protect this hospital, so I strongly advice you to come up with a medical rationale why Baby A should get Medicine X and vice-versa."
House," Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there, Slick. We didn't all go to law school. Your advice is that I should use medical reasons to make medical decisions? Hmm, that's not going to be as easy!"
Attorney, Any medical justification. Doesn't need to be a good one.
House," Well, Hartig sounds Jewish, so does Aztreonam, so we'll take the Hartig kid off Vancomycin, how's that? [pause]"
Cuddy, You can't experiment on babies.
House, Doctors experiment all the time.
Cuddy, On adults. With their consent.
House, Fine. I'll get the parents' consent.
Attorney, Their informed consent. They have to know the other kid is getting a different treatment.
House," Sorry, can't do that. It'd be unethical for one Patient to know about another Patient's treatment."
Attorney, They have a right to know.
House," If they know, they won't consent; that defeats the whole purpose."
Attorney, That's their right.
House, [getting up from the couch] Two more babies have just become symptomatic. I defer to your legal wisdom: which takes precedence? Six dying babies or a missing consent form?
Attorney, You can't do it.
Cuddy, [sighing; to House] Do what you think is best. [House leaves; Cuddy looks very unhappy about the whole situation.]
Foreman, Your daughter's kidneys are shutting down!
Cameron, Your son's kidneys are failing.
Foreman, !so we're going to take her off the Aztreonam.
Cameron, We're taking him off Vancomycin.
Ethan," But, uh, but what made her sick in the first place?"
Kim, What do you think is causing it?
Cameron, It seems to be a germ called pseudomonas.
Foreman, We think it's MRSA. Methicillin-Resistant Staph Aureus. It's a very resistant form of a very common bacteria.
Cameron, We're hoping the Aztreonam will clear it up.
Foreman," Vancomycin is the best treatment for MRSA, so we're gonna keep giving it to her."
Ethan, Right. Is it gonna cure her?
Foreman," Your Parkld is very sick. You need to know that. This is a 'hail Mary' pass. It might cure her, it might not. [Ethan sits back on the couch, defeated.]"
Judy," So, so that'll cure him?"
Cameron, We'll know in 24 hours if it's working. [Judy and Kim look very happy. Cameron walks away from them; Wilson is at the reception desk.]
Wilson, What did you tell them?
Cameron, I told them the truth.
Wilson, They seemed reliEved. You tell them how sick their son is?
Cameron, I explained what was going on.
Wilson," Alison, their baby's dying. If the parents weren't in tears when you left, you didn't tell them the truth."
Cameron, That's not how I see it.
Wilson," Do you want them blindsided? Want them coming up and saying ""My God, my baby died, why didn't you warn me?""ù"
Cameron, So now it's about worrying about them yelling at us?
Wilson," No, it's about getting them prepared for the likely death of their Parkld."
Cameron," If their son dies tomorrow, do you think they'll give a damn of what I said them today? It's not going to matter; they're not going to care; it's not going to be the same Ever again. Just give those poor women a few hours of hope. [She walks away from him.]"
Jill," Dr. House! Dr. House, this is my husband, Charlie."
House, Who told you where my office was?
Charlie," Jill, come on, he obviously doesn't want us bothering him."
House," Ooh, I was trying to hide it."
Jill," Look, Doctor, this is about the mono you said you thought I had!"
House, The mono?
Jill," Yes. You know, shouldn't Charlie be tested? You know, [House looks at Jill like she's insane] the test. The blood test."
House," [catches on] Right. Yeah, I'm sorry, I sometimes forget Patients, I thought you were this idiot who doesn't know how to use birth control. [pointed look]"
Charlie, I can't have mono. I don't Even feel sick or anything.
House," That's very often the first sign. [He gets into the elevator.] Call my office in the morning, I'll schedule him for bloodtests. [The elevator doors close.]"
Jill, Thank you!
Charlie, I'm not Even tired.
Wilson, Find anything yet?
Cuddy," No, just some baby formula being stored under a sink with a dripping faucet."
Wilson, Tap water contamination. You thinking pseudomonas infection?
Cuddy," I was. I wasted a couple of hours chasing it down, but of course the formula hasn't been anywhere near the babies."
Wilson, Huh.
Cuddy," WhatEver idiot stored them there ""ì"
Wilson," All right, we'll figure it out! Just! just calm down."
Cuddy," I am calm. [She walks over to Med Student with Tie, and takes scissors to him, leaving him Med Student without Tie.]"
Med Student without Tie," Aw, could ""ì"
Cuddy, I warned you. [to Wilson] I did that calmly. [She and Wilson walk into NICU as Chase walks out. Karen is looking in the windows.]
Karen, [to Chase] Hey.
Chase, Hi.
Karen, Is she any better?
Chase, Her fEver's been stable the last hour.
Karen," We're not going to make it, are we?"
Chase, Sorry?
Karen," Me and Ethan. Our next-door neighbor, their little boy died in a car crash and she and her husband split up, like, four months after the funeral. It's just, uh, what always happens, right? [pause]"
Chase," Um, what happens to Patients after they leave the hospital, I don't know, but! try not to get ahead of yourself. [Beeping is heard inside the NICU. Chase goes back in.]"
s voice, Dr. Chase? Activity on the monitor.
Chase, How long?
Nurse," I don't know, it just started."
Chase, Pulse? [Nurse mutters something.] Fluid wide open. Do we have an arterial line?
Nurse, Not yet.
Chase, Let's get a BP. [Karen walks into the NICU.] You can't come in here.
Karen, Is my baby dying?
Chase," Mrs. Hartig ""ì"
Karen, Is she dying?!
Nurse," [half-pushing Karen out the door] Ma'am, you'll have to leave."
Chase, It's not your baby!
Chase," Fenlay, BP 60 over 20. [House walks into the NICU and stands next to Wilson.]"
Cameron, Heart rate's 180.
Wilson, They've got it.
Chase, Still dropping. 50 over 10.
Cameron, Can't hold BP with three pressers? We're losing pulse.
Chase, V-fib.
Wilson, Shut the blinds. [A nurse does so. Judy starts to cry. Wilson and Chase prep the defibrillator.]
Chase, Charging. Clear. [CGI of inside the baby's chest. We see that the shock does nothing to jumpstart the heart.]
Foreman, Still v-fib.
Chase, Charging. Clear. [another shock] Charging. Clear. [CGI shot shows no movement.]
Foreman, Still v-fib.
Chase, Charging. Clear. [shock] Charging.
House, Chase. [pause] Time of death: 6:57 PM. [long pause] The Aztreonam doesn't work. Double-cover all the other babies with Vancomycin.
Chase, I'll do it.
House," Cameron, you tell the parents. Tell them their Parkld pRobably saved five lives."
Cameron," But Chase should ""ì"
House, Chase is busy.
Cameron, You're the attending.
House, [to Wilson] Make sure she does her job.
House," I asked you to make sure she does her job, not do it for her."
Wilson, She froze up.
House, She felt sorry for the parents so she shut up. You felt sorry for her so you opened your mouth.
Wilson, She has a pRoblem.
House," Yeah, she needs to deal with it. If you hadn't bailed her out, she would have done it."
Wilson," Great, then she wouldn't have slept for two weeks. Maybe she should be thinking about a different specialty. Lab work, research? [Chase walks up.]"
House," Yeah, what is it?"
Chase," The Hartig baby. She's getting sicker, too. The Vancomycin isn't working, either."
House, Vancomycin doesn't kill it. Aztreonam doesn't kill it. What the hell is this?
Foreman, It's a super bug.
Chase, It could be VRSA.
Cuddy, There's only been two reported cases of it Ever in the United States.
Chase," One of the kids, the Hausen baby, had a skin rash. It could be scalded-skin syndrome which would be a sign of VRSA."
Foreman, Then these kids are dead.
House," This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No pRoblem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Well, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in Every bathroom. We'll be adding Vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these super bugs. They're our babies. Now they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and a lot of anger. [sigh] On the other hand, maybe antibiotics had nothing to do with it. Did you notice how low his BP was at the end? Even with three pressers?"
Wilson, Heart damage?
House, Go home. There's nothing more you can do tonight.
House," Baby boy Chen-Lupino. Time of death 6:57 PM Thursday, December 2nd, 2004. [He takes the covers off of the tools and starts to remove the baby's diaper.]"
House," This is a cross-section of the Chen-Lupino boy's myocardium. Fibrosis, lymphocydic infiltrates."
Cameron, There was no sign of lymphcytosis in the blood tests.
House," Yes, well, we all had plenty of good reasons to think bacterial. Nobody is scolding you. [He hands Cameron his cane.] Unfortunately, all of those clEver reasons were wrong. It is a virus infecting their hearts."
Foreman, We're screwed. We can't Chase down a virus; there's a thousand possibilities.
Cameron," We could run gels, antibody tests."
Foreman, A thousand of them? The kids don't have enough blood.
House," Chase, you're the intensivist. How Many could we do before we risk exsanguinating the kids?"
Chase," You're talking vials, not stick tests? I wouldn't take more than five or six."
House," [writes ""Virus""ù on the white board'] Okay, so we have to narrow the thousand viruses down to six. Now, the autopsy's shown us what the virus does. So, let's go. What do we know?"
Wilson, Ribavirin and encyclovir don't knock it out.
Cuddy, Cross out the herpes viruses.
House," Also adenovirus. [House starts to make a T-chart on the board.] What else, what else? Keep talking."
Chase," Well, it, it only seems to hit Parkldren. The mothers aren't sick, so!"
Foreman," No toxoplasmosis, no rubella. Cross out the entire TORCH Syndrome."
Wilson, You didn't find any lung damage?
House, No.
Wilson, None of the parAmyxoviridae.
House," Cardiac scarring, people."
Chase, CMV?
Foreman," Enteroviruses, too, I think."
House, [muttering] Echo 11.
Cuddy, Influenza A.
House, [mutters] Influ A. Yes. And? [We see more ideas being written on the board.] I'm putting RSV down as a yes. That makes eight.
Chase, Eight vials of blood is pushing it.
House," Pushing it, but we love that! Get the antibody kits, start testing the sick kids."
Wilson," All right, I'll start looking into whether there are any antivirals for these eight."
House," Wait a second. The, the kids on the floor who didn't get sick. Are any of them still in the hospital?"
Wilson, They got moved to the fifth floor. But they're pRobably all checked out by now.
Cuddy," No, the Lindpert boy had a bit of jaundice. He should be checking out today."
House," I want to test his blood, too."
Cuddy, Why?
House, 'Cause we need all the information we can get. The healthy kid can be our control group.
Cuddy, I'll just tell his parents he can't check out because he has the smallpox.
Chase," All done, all done."
House, What did we get?
Foreman," Well, the sick babies all tested positive for Echovirus 11."
House, Great.
Foreman," And CMV, and parvovirus B19."
House, Three viruses?
Foreman," What's weirder, the healthy kid we tested: he's positive for Echovirus 11 and CMV antibodies as well."
House," [sighs] They're infants. They have their mother's blood, their mother's antibodies."
Foreman, So we just learned nothing?
House, Uh-uh. We have half the picture. The healthy kids survived because their mothers' antibodies saved them.
Foreman," The mom had CMV in the past she'd have the antibodies for them, the kid would be immune from it. So we test the sick kids' moms for Echovirus, CMV, and parvovirus."
House," And whichEver they don't have the antibodies for, that's what's killing their kids."
Foreman, I'll test the mothers.
Foreman, Echovirus 11. It's an enterovirus. It lodges in the intestinal tract.
Cameron," Enteroviruses cause diarrhea and flu-like symptoms in adults, maybe a rash, but for newborns it can be deadly. It's damaging her heart."
Karen," Well, is there anything you can do?"
Foreman, Viruses are more difficult to treat than bacterial infections. We still haven't found a cure for the common cold.
Ethan," So, there's no vaccine, or!"
Foreman, There's a company in Pennsylvania dEveloping an antiviral. It got positive results in a lab setting and we Managed to get our hands on it.
Cameron, Imagine not being able to touch your own baby. [She goes out to Karen and Ethan.] Can I get your guys' help with something?
Ethan, Sure.
Cameron," Your daughter, her ""ì"
Ethan, Maxine.
Karen, That's her name.
Cameron, We need someone to hold Maxine off of the bed while the nurse changes her sheet.
Ethan," Sure. {They enter the room, now in scrubs, and hold Maxine.]"
House," Hey, Foreman? Got a minute? [Foreman gets into the elevator.]"
Foreman," So, pulmonary resistance is stabilized for the two kids, but BP's still ""ì"
House," No news, then. How's Cameron?"
Foreman, Dr. Cameron?
House," Sure. Let's start with her, and move on to all the other Camerons we know."
Foreman," Sorry, I'm just not used to you asking about someone's well-being."
House, I can understand how the question would surprise you. I don't quite get how it would confuse you.
Foreman, Why do you want to know? [They get out of the elevator.]
House, Why do you want to know why I want to know?
Foreman, Just curious.
House," Me, too."
Foreman, You don't get curious.
House, I'm the most curious Man in the world.
Foreman, Not about trivialities.
House," Well, then, this must not be trivial. How is Cameron handling Everything? [They're at the doors of the clinic.]"
Foreman, Just fine.
House," Great, glad we talked."
House," Your husband is definitely the source of your ""mono""ù."
Jill," Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. Wow, I'm going to be a mom. Whoa, heh heh. Thank you so much; I gotta get you a gift or something."
House, Sometimes the best gift is the gift of nEver seeing you again.
Jill," Okay, all right! But, Dr. House, you've been so awesome. I mean, I really, totally trust you. Do you think you ""ì"
House, No.
Jill, -- could do the prenatal?
House, No.
Jill, Or deliver the baby?
House, That would be no.
Jill, Okay!
Foreman," Chase, take a look at this. [Chase comes over, and starts to check out Baby Hartig with the stethoscope.]"
Ethan," Oh, God. It's good news."
Chase," No, it's great. [Ethan and Karen start to laugh and cry.]"
House, They all gone?
Cameron, Hartigs are checking out right now.
House, You look tired.
Cameron, Thanks.
House, It's no wonder. You've had a hard time the last couple of days.
Cameron, And you haven't?
House," Not like you. [pause] Anyone who's that awkward either has no experience around death or too much, and I'm pretty sure it's not the former. [Cameron starts to put on her coat.] Chase told me about that idea you had: the parents holding the baby. Where'd you get that? Did you lose someone? Did you lose a baby?"
Cameron, You can be a real bastard. [She leaves.]
Wilson, Unfinished business?
House, I'm in the haystack.
Wilson," Ah, because now you know you're looking for a needle."
House, Right.
Wilson," If I tell you to ""let it go,""ù it won't make any difference, will it?"
House," Enteroviruses are spread by huMans. Fecal, oral! could be respiratory secretions, though."
Wilson," So, Cuddy got stool samples from the whole staff. Just wait until they come back."
House, That won't do it.
Wilson, Why not?
House," The shedder, whoEver he is, is so virulent, Cuddy must have noticed him."
Wilson, Hmmm.
House, And the babies didn't share any common personnel. That's what's weird.
Wilson," Yeah, yeah. That's what's weird. [Wilson leaves. We hear coughing in the distance. A old Woman is pushing a cart around with teddy bears to give to the newborns. CGI shot of inside the Woman's nose, which shows the offending virus traveling from her nose, to her hand, to the fur of the teddy bear, to the face of a baby.]"
Old Woman, [to House] Can I help you?
Soap Patient, You saved my life.
Soap doctor, I just ran some tests. Your will and determination are what saved your life.
Soap Patient, I know who I am now.
Soap doctor," Yes, you do. And I know who I am as well. [House is watParkng this in the OB/GYN lounge again. The door opens.]"
Lim," Hey, seriously, Man, you're not supposed to be here."
House, I'm performing a delivery.
Kubisak, You are.
House," Patient whose prenatal care I've been handling. Just checking her out a couple of minutes ago. Of course, I'll need one of you two guys to supervise."
Lim, When's she due?
House, Late March.
Kubisak, That's five months from now.
House, Thank God these chairs are comfortable.
House, We are condemned to useless labor. [House has a giant stack of charts next to him.]
Wilson, Fourth circle of Hell. Charting goes a lot faster when you eliminate the whole of classic poetry. [House flicks a candy at him.]
House, Writing down what we already know to be read by nobody. Pretty sure Dante would agree that qualifies as useless.
Wilson, You're over two weeks behind on your charting. [House flicks another candy; it almost goes down Cuddy's shirt.]
House, Oops. I missed.
Cuddy," What are you, eight?"
House, Could an eight-year-old do this? [He makes a face. Wilson smiles.]
Cuddy, You better stop or it'll stick that way. You have a Patient in Exam Room 1.
House," Yeah, but see, see, I'm off at twelve and it's already five of."
Cuddy, She's been waiting for you since elEven. [Cuddy walks off.]
House, Melancholy without hope. Which circle is that?
House, Hi. I'm Dr. House. What seems to be the pRoblem?
 Eucharist," Show him your hands, Augustine. [House pops a couple Vicodin. Augustine shows her hands, which are red, swollen, and covered in hives and sores."
 Pius, It looks like! stigmata.
 Eucharist," Shhhh, Pius!"
House, You must be all the talk around the holy water cooler. You been washing a lot of dishes recently?
 Augustine, I help out in the kitchen.
House, Anything new in the kitchen?
 Pius, We just got a donation of saucepans and pots this week.
 Augustine, I unpacked and washed them.
House," Should have spent your time saving souls, it's easier on the hands. This is contact dermatitis; you're allergic to dish soap."
 Eucharist, Nonsense! We've always used that soap. Why is there a pRoblem now?
House," I've been a doctor for years. Why do I have to keep assuring people that I know what I'm doing? A person can become allergic to substances that they've had repeated and prolonged exposure to. The good news is: free samples. Diphenhydramine. It's an antihistamine. It'll stop the allergic reaction. Take one Every eight hours, it might make you feel a little sleepy. And get some of that over-the-counter cortisone cream."
 Augustine," Thank you, Doctor."
House, You want some water? [He hands her the pills.]
 Augustine, I have some tea.
House," Well, you just relax for a few minutes. That stuff works pretty fast. [He leaves. The other sisters help Augustine take the medication with her thermos of tea. House to the clinic main desk and throws the chart down on the pile of other ones.]"
Wilson, Still out by twelve.
House, How do you solve a pRoblem like dermatitis?
Wilson, What?
 Eucharist, Doctor? I want to thank you for your patience.
Wilson, She talking to you?
House, I don't know. She's certainly looking at me.
 Eucharist," Oh, it's good to get a secular diagnosis. The sisters tend to interpret their diagnosis as divine intervention."
House, And you don't? Then you're wearing an awfully funny hat.
Wilson," Oooh, boy. Excuse me. [He leaves.]"
 Eucharist," If I break my leg, I beliEve it happened for a reason. I beliEve God wanted me to break my leg. I also beliEve He wants me to put a cast on it. [House smiles slightly.]"
 Pius," Doctor, something's wrong!"
House," Lift up your Parkn. [He listens to her breathing.] Sister, you're having an asthma attack. I need you to relax. [to Eucharist] Roll up her sleEve, please. [He grabs a syringe from the cabinet.] I'm giving you epinephrine, it'll open your lungs and help you breathe. [He sticks the needle in her arm, CGI shot of the bloodstream going to her lungs, and the airways opening.]"
 Eucharist, What happened?
House, Did she take the pill?
 Eucharist, Yes.
House, It's pRobably an allergic reaction.
 Pius, She's allergic to an anti-allergy medicine?
House, You figure somebody's out to get her? How're you feeling?
 Augustine, Better.
House, I'll put you on some steroids instead.
 Augustine, Is my heart supposed to be feeling so funny?
House," It's called adrenaline, it makes your heart beat fast. [He feels her pulse.] But not this fast. [to the others] Get a nurse, please. Lie back."
 Pius, Help! Somebody help us! [House opens Augustine's shirt and listens to her heartbeat.
House," Somebody get in here! [A tech comes in.] Call a code and charge up a defibrillator. She's got no pulse. [The tech runs out, House starts chest compressions.]"
Cuddy," You diagnosed the Patient with allergies and prescribed antihistamine, she went into respiratory distress, and you injected her with epinephrine. Presumably 1 cc."
House," 0.1 cc. That is the standard dose, that is what I gave her."
Cuddy, People don't go into cardiac arrest from 0.1 cc epinephrine.
House, She must have a pre-existing heart condition that got exacerbated by the epinephrine.
Cuddy, It's too bad you didn't make a notation in the chart.
House, I can make it up right now.
Cuddy," The drawer has syringes with both dosages, you could have easily reached for the wrong one."
House, But I didn't.
Cuddy, Everyone makes mistakes. This is why doctors pay through the nose for malpractice insurance.
House," Relax, they're not going to sue. Worse they'd do is whack my hand with a ruler."
Cuddy," And the discipline board? Are they gonna whack your hand, too?"
House, You're going to report me?
Cuddy, What choice do I have?
House," Uh, how 'bout not report me?"
Cuddy, I can justify keeping her here for 24-hour observation. If you haven't found an underlying cause for the cardiac arrest by then I will have to notify our attorneys. [House looks at his watch and walks out.]
Cameron," Her hands were red and swollen, maybe she has a skin infection. Cellulitis? That could Manifest with tachycardia."
Foreman, There's no history of fEver. Results from the CBC didn't indiCate an infection.
Cameron," The eosinophils were mildly elevated, sed rate's up a bit. Could be looking at a systemic allergic response."
House, It's not allergic. Allergies don't cause cardiac arrest like this. Could be inflammation of the blood vessels.
Foreman, Vasculitis? That wouldn't give you an elevated eosinophil count.
House," Churg-Strauss vasculitis would. Blood vessels of the heart, lungs and skin become inflamed causing the asthma, rash and heart pRoblems. Covers all her symptoms. [They reach the diagnostic office.]"
Cameron, Need a biopsy to diagnose.
Chase, Chest CT'd be quicker.
Foreman, The lady just came in with a rash. [House stops and stares at a bunch of candy canes on the table.]
House, What the hell are those?
Cameron, Candy canes. [Foreman takes one.]
House, Candy canes? Are you mocking me?
Cameron," No! It's Christmas and, and I, I, I thought ""ì"
House, Relax. It's a joke.
Foreman, Isn't the prognosis for Churg-Strauss a bit grim?
Cameron," Yeah. Untreated only 33% of Patients survive past a year; treated, five years."
House, Then I'd definitely suggest treatment.
Foreman," If it was any other attending doctor, I'd say that he made a mistake and gave her too much epinephrine."
House, [pouring coffee] Saying you wouldn't say it was my mistake is saying it was my mistake.
Foreman," Everyone screws up: your rule. I think you fit inside the subset of ""Everyone""ù."
House," I didn't screw up. [Foreman shakes his head.] Order a chest CT and start the sister on prednisone, 40 mg. TID."
Chase, The sister?
House," Oh, didn't I mention? The Patient's a nun. Sister Augustine."
Chase, Aw. I hate nuns.
House, [thinks a little] Who doesn't?
Cameron, Sister Augustine? [Pius hurriedly turns the TV off.]
Augustine, We weren't watParkng.
Pius, [holds up remote] We were trying to see if this was the bed control.
Cameron," Oh, um, this one's the bed control [she gives Pius another remote] and that one's the TV control. I'm Dr. Cameron, and that's Dr. Chase and Dr. Foreman."
Augustine, I hadn't seen television in over twenty years.
Chase," Do you consider it the work of the devil, or do you just not get cable where you live? [pause]"
Foreman," Um, how're you feeling, Sister?"
Augustine, I seem to be a little better; they gave me some medication.
Foreman, Prednisone. It's a steroid to help with the inflammation.
Augustine, Has Dr. House figured out what I have? Will I be okay?
Cameron, We're not sure what's wrong yet. You'll have a chest CT scan this afternoon that will help with the diagnosis.
Pius, Dr. House is giving her medication and he doesn't know what she has yet?
Augustine," Trust, Sister Pius. It all happens for a reason."
Foreman, He doesn't know what he's doing. The only pRoblem that Woman has is that House grabbed the wrong syringe.
Cameron, You don't trust him?
Foreman, I don't trust a Man who won't admit he might be wrong. I notice you weren't so quick to tell her she has Churg-Strauss and only has a couple years to live.
Cameron, I don't tell Patients bad news unless it's conclusive.
Foreman, Because you know he might be wrong.
Cameron," About Churg-Strauss, not about what happened in the clinic."
Foreman," What about you, Chase? You think he's infallible, too?"
Chase," All I know is, if House didn't make a mistake and Sister Augustine has Churg-Strauss, he'll be self-satisfied and our lives will be good for a few weeks. If House did make a mistake, he'll be upset and our lives will be miserable for months."
Foreman, There is that.
House, If Cuddy thinks I made a mistake the least she could do is suspend me from clinic duty.
Wilson, She doesn't confuse making a mistake with being incompetent.
House," Oh, here we go. Lesson time. I recognize that confidence is not my short suit. I also recognize that I am huMan and capable of error."
Wilson, So you might have screwed this up?
House, No.
Wilson," So, it's only a theoretical capacity for error."
House, Good point. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe that's my error.
Wilson," You know, most people who think as much of themselves as you do like to talk about themselves."
House," Most people don't like to listen, so what's wrong with you? [He leaves Wilson standing in the clinic.]"
House, Let me guess! inflammatory bowel.
Santa," Wow, yeah. Is it that bad?"
House," Yes. It's also written on your chart. Bloody diarrhea, gas, pain! took sulfasalazine, but it didn't work ""ì"
Santa," No, then I ""ì"
House," Next tried steroid enemas, oral corticosteroids, 5ASAs, 6 mercaptopurine! I'm impressed."
Santa, By my medical history?
House, By how well your last doctor charted.
Santa," It's one thing to have to go to the bathroom Every hour, but when the kids sit on my lap, it's!. The store sent me home, they're gonna fire me. Can't you put me back on 5ASA? Maybe it'll work this time?"
House," Not likely. I'm giving you a prescription. It's cheap, which is good because your insurance company won't pay for it. [He gives Santa a prescription, who puts on his glasses to read it.]"
Santa, [tries to read House's writing] Cojorius?
House," Cigarettes. One twice a day, no more, no less. Studies have shown that cigarette smoking is one of the most effective ways to control inflammatory bowel, plus it's been established that you look 30% cooler."
Santa, Are you kidding me?
House," About the looking cooler, yeah. The rest is true."
Santa, Isn't it addictive and dangerous?
House, Pretty much all the drugs I prescribe are addictive and dangerous. The difference with this one is that it's completely legal. [He turns to leave.] Merry Christmas.
Augustine," I was talking to the nurse, Arsenio. Do you know him?"
Chase, Not really.
Augustine, He can take pictures with his phone.
Chase, Cool.
Augustine," That Woman from the lab was interesting, too. She studied astrophysics before becoming a nurse."
Chase, You know the staff better than I do.
Augustine," Well, I love to hear about people."
Chase, Yet you live in a monastery.
Augustine, It's where I serve our Lord and the world best.
Chase," Our Lord, maybe. The rest of the world, on the other hand, would pRobably get more out of feeding the homeless or ""ì"
Augustine, Healing the sick?
Chase," As an example, yeah."
Augustine, Did you always want to be a doctor?
Chase, Always. You always want to be a nun?
Augustine," My parents died when I was six. I was raised in a foster home run by the Church. When I was eighteen, I went to the monastery where they let me take my vows. I've known no other life and I haven't wanted to."
Foreman," Okay, Sister, we need to you lie as still as possible. If you get scared, just let us know."
Augustine," As Jonah said from inside the whale, ""When I had lost all hope, I turned my thoughts to the Lord.""ù"
Foreman, At least she's got God on her side.
Cameron, I don't beliEve in God.
Foreman, You're not Even a little agnostic?
Augustine, [from inside the CT] Is it supposed to smell funny?
Tech," Someone ralphed in there this afternoon. We cleaned it up, but!"
Cameron," It's normal, Sister. It's just a few more minutes. [pause] I beliEve in a higher order that's in control of what happens, but not one anthropomorphic entity called ""God""ù that's concerned with the Everyday workings of you and me."
Foreman, What else is there to control but the Everyday workings of you and me?
Cameron," It's always about you, Foreman."
Foreman," What else are you talking about? The trees, the fish? Should they be the ones to think it's all about them? What about you, Chase? Do you beliEve in God?"
Chase," I beliEve Sister Augustine has no vascular pathology, which means no Churg-Strauss."
Foreman, Which means House made a mistake.
Cameron," No, not necessarily. It could be something else. Thyrotoxicosis or a carcinoid."
Foreman," I don't get you. You don't beliEve in God, but you're willing to put complete faith in one Man?"
Augustine," Please, the smell!"
Foreman, Let's get her out of there. [Augustine is panicking as they pull her out.]
Cameron," I'm coming, Sister. I gotcha, I'm coming."
Augustine," Please, please, the smell, I'm sick ""ì"
Cameron," There's no smell ""ì"
Augustine," No, God, no ""ì [she puts her hands in a praying position, then gestures outward] Oh, it's Jesus! It's Jesus! [Chase rolls his eyes. Augustine starts to laugh and cry.] He's coming for me. He's burning me with his touch!"
Foreman," Let's get her on some Ativan. [He holds on to Augustine's arms as she continues to cry.] Smells, religious visions are symptomatic of temporal lobe swelling. We don't want her to ""ì"
Augustine, Oh!
Cameron, She's seizing!
Foreman, Help me get her on her side. [The three of them Maneuver the sister onto her side.]
Chase, Religious visions?
Foreman," Yeah. And next comes! [he lifts up part of her gown, we see a rash on her leg. Chase and Foreman share a look.]"
Foreman, Patient tested positive for herpetic encephalitis.
House, So what's that tell us?
Cameron, Her immune system is sEverely compromised.
Cuddy," Ooh, I know! Prednisone compromises the immune system. Isn't that the medicine you gave her for the thing she doesn't have?"
House," Yeah, but! hey. I'm think that's a trick question."
Cameron, Her immune system is sEverely compromised. Two doses of prednisone wouldn't do that.
Cuddy, Are you hanging your diagnosis on an adverb?
House, In ten seconds I'm gonna announce that I gave her the wrong dose in the clinic.
Cuddy, You're gonna admit negligence?
House," Unless you leave the room. If you stay you'll have to testify. [Cuddy stays put.] Five, four, three, two!. So, there I was in the clinic, drunk. I open the drawer, close my eyes, take the first syringe I can find ""ì [the ducklings smile, Cuddy leaves] So, what are the options for compromised immune system?"
Chase, Mixed connective tissue disease. It'd explain why she was feeling better on the prednisone.
Foreman," Sure, she was feeling better right up to the moment it almost killed her."
House," On the other hand, it explains the symptoms. Swollen hands, pulmonary pRoblems, cardiac pRoblems ""ì it all fits."
Foreman, Except her ANA was normal.
House, So redraw the blood.
Foreman," But the treatment is corticosteroids, prednisone, and we can't go there because of the encephalitis."
House, Then we'll treat it with something that modulates the immune system but doesn't suppress it. Hyperbaric oxygen chAmber.
Foreman, There's no protocol for putting a Patient in a high-pressure oxygen room to treat autoimmune pRoblems.
House," Oh, you people. Always with the protocols. [small pause] Prep the nun and discontinue the prednisone. [He begins to erase the whiteboard and continues to talk to Foreman as the others leave.] I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn than you are."
Foreman," You are aware of the Hippocratic Oath, right?"
House," The one that starts: First, do no harm, then goes on to tell us no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone. Yeah, took a read once, wasn't impressed."
Foreman," Hyperbaric treatments could cause oxygen toxicity, lung and eye damage ""ì"
House," Every treatment has its dangers ""ì"
Foreman, Which is why we treat when we're only convinced the Patient needs the treatment.
House," I'm convinced. You're not. Question is, what are you going to do about it? Hmm?"
Cuddy, [on the phone] I have an opening Thursday at three. Do you have a fourth? Is he any good? [Someone walks into her office.] Can I call you right back? Okay. [She hangs up.] What's up? [We see that it's Foreman that walked into her office.]
Chase, The pressure will force the oxygen into your system and saturate your blood. It will enhance white cell activity and reduce the inflammation.
Augustine, And that will help with this mixed connective tissue disease?
Chase, We'll be doing about ten treatments and then we'll reevaluate.
Augustine," The last treatment with prednisone caused the seizures, right? How confident is Dr. House about this?"
Cameron, That you reacted so strongly to the prednisone let us know that you had an underlying pRoblem with your immune system.
Augustine, I guess it was a blessing! of sorts.
Soap Doc," So, who's your favorite reindeer, Nurse [something]?"
Soap Nurse, Rudolph.
Soap Doc, I would have thought it was Vixen.
Soap Nurse, What are you implying?
Soap Doc," Nothing, but I saw you at the Christmas party with Dr. [fades out. Sr. Eucharist walks in, makes the sign of the cross, and turns to sit. She sees House in the pew.]"
Eucharist, This is a chapel. A House of prayer.
House," House of prayer, huh. That explains the good reception. Also why nobody's Ever here."
Eucharist," I need to talk with you, Dr. House. Sister Augustine beliEves in things that aren't real."
House, I thought that was a job requirement for you people.
Eucharist, She's been known to lie to get sympathy. She's a hypochondriac.
House," [turns off TV] So, you're warning me that I may be treating a non-existent ailment"
Eucharist," Sore throats, joint pains! there's always something wrong, and there's nEver a reason for it. Mother Superior plays right into it. Lets Augustine off work duties, treating her as fragile, special."
House, That must make you angry. [eats a piece of chocolate]
Eucharist, It bothers me. It's not really in Augustine's best interests. [She keeps looking at the chocolate bar.]
House, [offers the chocolate] Want some?
Eucharist, I shouldn't. [takes the bar and sits down next to House]
House," I guess you've got to be good at reading people to be a good infirmarian, huh."
Eucharist, [around a mouthful of chocolate] Mm hmm.
House," So, we've got pride, anger, envy, gluttony!. That's four out of sEven deadly sins in two minutes. Do you people keep records of these things? Is there a Cathlympics?"
Eucharist, They say you have a gift.
House, They like to talk.
Eucharist, You hide behind your intelligence.
House," Yeah, that's pretty stupid."
Eucharist," And you make jokes because you're afraid to take anything seriously. Because if you take things seriously, they matter, and if they matter ""ì"
House," And when things go wrong, I get hurt. I'm not tough, I'm vulnerable."
Eucharist," I barely know you, and I don't know if I'm right. I just hope I am. Because the alternative is, you really are as miserable as you seem to be. [pause]"
House," You know, from the way you're looking at me right now, I'd say you just hit number five: lust. [Eucharist hands House his candy bar and leaves. House pulls out his pocket TV.]"
Soap Nurse," Dr. Brown, I love you, too."
Chase, How're you feeling?
Augustine, A little weak.
Chase, That's from the oxygen.
Augustine, My mouth is dry.
Chase," Okay. well, I'll get you some of your tea."
Cuddy, Mixed connective tissue disease? Her ANA is barely elevated!
House," Well, thanks for checking up on her. Good to know you've got my back."
Cuddy," 0-2 stat is down to 83, pulmonary pRoblems, breathing pRoblems ""ì"
House, Irritation from the oxygen is typical.
Cuddy, She comes in with a rash and you put her into cardiac arrest.
House," That well just nEver runs dry, does it? If there was no underlying pRoblem, then why is she still having the rapid heartrate?"
Cuddy, Maybe from the herpetic encephalitis caused by you giving her prednisone!
House," Her reaction is a symptom, not an error."
Cuddy," There's always an explanation, isn't there?"
House," Yes, there is! And if this one doesn't work will find another."
Cuddy, But nEver one involving you screwing up.
House," One that fits all the facts. Look, we obviously have a difference of opinion, and that's fine, but unfortunately I've used up all the time I've budgeted today for banging my head against a wall."
Cuddy, I am going to do you the biggest favor one doctor can do for another. I am going to stop you from killing your Patient. You're off the case.
Cuddy, We're going to treat the symptoms.
Cameron, Not the underlying condition?
Cuddy, There is no underlying condition. What's her status?
Chase, The sister's breathing is labored.
Cuddy, Pneumonitis from the hyperbaric chAmber. Put her on 40% oxygen until her 0-2 stats increase.
Chase," BUN and creatinine's rising, ALT and AST twice the normal range."
Cuddy, Could be from the hypertensive episode. Let's follow them with labs.
Foreman, She still has the rash and the joint pain she came in with.
Cuddy, Order a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory.
Cameron," When we were looking at the differential diagnosis with Dr. House, we were considering ""ì"
Cuddy," I don't need to hear what Dr. House was considering! All of this Woman's symptoms can be traced to Dr. House's considerations. Okay. Let's just get this Patient healthy. I want her going out the front door, and not the back."
Foreman," Hey, it's not like I betrayed him. Cuddy would have found out about the hyperbaric treatments Eventually."
Cameron, You did what you felt you had to.
Wilson," Can't get enough of this place, huh?"
House, Came for my stethoscope.
Wilson," So, I shouldn't read too much into the fact that you were looking for it in the drawer with the epinephrine syringes in it?"
House," Okay, yeah. I'd like to clear my reputation."
Wilson," Oh, right. I forgot that you care about what people think. Prescribing cigarettes for inflammatory bowel? It could cause lung cancer, you know."
House," [leaving the exam room] You know why they have ribbons for breast cancer, colorectal cancer, prostate cancer and not for lung cancer?"
Wilson, They ran out of colors?
House," It's because people blame lung cancer Patients. They smoked, they screwed up, they deserve to die. The reason people die from lung cancer is guilt. [He enters Cuddy's office where the records are kept.]"
Wilson," Huh. Well, guilt does a lot of damage."
House, You said that with great significance.
Wilson, You're not here to find your stethoscope. You're not here to clear your reputation. You're here because you're having doubts. You might have screwed up.
House," I'm here because, if I'm right, Cuddy is killing that Patient."
Wilson," Okay, but if you're wrong? [pause]"
House, Then she's saving her.
Wilson," Fine. You're going to have to go through Every record of Every Patient who's been through this clinic in the last two days, and you're gonna have to hope that those records can be trusted, which, by the way, yours can't. [Wilson leaves.]"
Chase," These pills will help your kidneys function a little better, Sister. [She takes the pills.] Get your wrist? [He takes her pulse.]"
Augustine, What's that?
Chase,104
Augustine, Is that good?
Chase, It's fine.
Augustine," You're a lousy liar, Dr. Chase. [Chase's beeper goes off. On it is the message ""Call Mom!""ù"
Chase, I have to get this. Excuse me.
Chase, My mother's been dead for 10 years.
House, But she's always with you in spirit. What do you know about the nun?
Chase, Which one?
House," The cute one. I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously."
Chase, Her parents died when she was a Parkld and she's been with the Church Ever since.
House, What's she lying about?
Chase, Why do you say that?
House," I always say that. And the old nun says the sick nun is a big fat nun liar. You know nuns, what do you think?"
Chase, I don't know nuns.
House, You hate nuns. You can't hate someone if you don't know them.
Chase, Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.
House," I have a theory on what makes good boys ""good""ù. It's not because of some moral imperative. Good boys have the fear of God put into them. Catholic Church specializes in that kind of training, to make good boys afraid of divine retribution so they will do what their daddies tell them, like, for example, going into medical school when it's the last thing they want to do. What do you think?"
Chase," I think if she did have a secret, her boss would know. [He leaves.]"
House," Did you paint, or put in new carpets recently?"
Nun, No.
House, Any way she could have got access to drugs?
Nun," Well, we lock all of our medications in the infirmary, and we don't keep prescription drugs here. [Nun is making tea.] Why haven't you asked Sister Augustine about these things directly?"
House, I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is pRobably the last person you should ask.
Nun, Ah. And have you been speaking to Sister Eucharist?
House, She ratted out her fellow sister pretty quickly. If I were you I'd have her repeat a year of nun school. [Nun chuckles.]
Nun, Becoming a nun doesn't make you a saint.
House, Becoming a doctor doesn't make you a healer.
Nun, Just because we live in a monastery and we spend most of our time in prayer doesn't mean we don't find time for drama.
House," So, what is the sick one's drama?"
Nun, Sister Augustine lived in Catholic foster care until she came to us. [kettle whistles] Tea?
House," Sure. Do all of you lie? It's a good strategy, simpler when you all tell the same lie, but she has not spent her entire life as a good Catholic. When she had a cardiac arrest I had to open her blouse to do CPR and I learned two things: nuns can have nice breasts, and she has a tattoo on her shoulder of a skunk. Now, maybe it's the Sacred Skunk of Joseph, but as far as I know, Catholic foster care and monasteries do not keep tattoo parlors in their refractories."
Nun," We consider that our life begins when we put on our habits and take our vows. What happens before then ""ì"
House," Is irrelevant to you, but it's relevant to me."
Nun," Sister Augustine went into foster care when she was six years old, but she left when she was twelve. She lived on the streets, she got into drugs. When she was fifteen, she became pregnant, tried to self-abort. She lost the Parkld, she became ill. We took her in when she came back. If we had thought it was medically relevant we would have told you."
House," It's not. [He takes a sip of tea, then looks at it.] This tea is delicious. Local herbs?"
Cuddy, Any change with medication?
Chase," Yeah, she's getting worse. Lung function's deteriorating, BUN and creatinine are continuing to rise. She's starting to run a fEver and the rash is spreading. At this rate she's not going to make Christmas."
Cameron," Maybe House was right. Maybe there is an underlying condition that explains the symptoms, something we haven't considered."
Cuddy, Like what?
Cameron, It could be a metabolic disorder.
Cuddy, Specifically?
Cameron, Mitogenetic.
Cuddy, Specifically?
Cameron," I'm just saying ""ì"
Cuddy, You're just saying you think House is right.
Cameron, Might be right.
Cuddy," Of course he might be right! It might be the Hand of God at work. Don't say it's something else unless you've got something concrete to offer. [A teabag is thrown onto Cuddy's paperwork, she picks it up and stares at the entering House.] What's this, hemlock?"
House," ""I'm going to do you the biggest favor one doctor can do another. I'm gonna stop you from killing your Patient.""ù It's figwort tea. Great for that little pick-me-up we're all looking for in the morning. Opens the lungs, increases the blood pressure, stimulates the heart. Unfortunately, if you then get injected with Even 0.1 cc of epinephrine: instant cardiac arrest. Still, what the hell, it tastes great."
Cuddy," Sister Augustine ""ì"
House," Has been drinking it religiously, so to speak."
Foreman, Take the cardiac arrest out of the equation!
House, All the rest of the symptoms can be explained by a sEvere long-term allergic reaction.
Foreman, That's what Cameron said in the beginning.
House," Yes, she did. Well done. [Cameron smiles.] But your unwillingness to stick by your diagnosis almost killed this Woman. [No more smiles.] Take a lesson from Foreman: stand up for what you beliEve. Okay, let's go figure out how to save a nun. [He leaves.]"
Chase," Damned if you do, damned if you don't."
House," Because it's been untreated for so long, it's gone from a simple watery eyes, scratchy throat allergy to a whopping I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass allergy, compromising her immune system, diminishing her ability to heal and breaking down her organs systems. So, what's the source?"
Chase, The dish soap.
House," No, symptoms persisted days after the dishwashing episode. It's gotta be something she's been exposed to here in the hospital as well as the monastery."
Foreman," Well, what about the tea? It caused her arrhythmia."
House," Could be, but it's not definitive."
Chase, We'll skin test for allergens.
Cameron," Not yet, she's too reactive. She'd test positive for Everything. We need to stabilize her, isolate her from all possible allergens. Give her system a rest."
Chase, Get her in a clean room.
House, Okay. And we'll gradually introduce allergens and see how she responds. When she reacts to something we'll know that's what killing her.
Foreman," There you go. No television, no books."
Augustine, Not Even my Bible?
Foreman," I'm afraid not. This room has filtered air, filtered water! you Even have silk sheets. Very decadent and hypoallergenic. You should be feeling better here. [Foreman and Cameron leave.]"
Chase, We'll be back to check on you in a little while.
Augustine, Can the other sisters come in and pray with me?
Chase," It'd be better if you don't have any visitors. Once we isolate what's causing your allergy, then we can be a little more lax. [Augustine turns away from the window and starts to cry.] I can pray with you."
Augustine, I want to die. Why has He left me?
Chase," I was in seminary school. They asked us once what our favorite passage was. I chose 1 Peter 1:7. ""These trials only test your faith to see whether or not it is strong and pure. Your faith is being tested as fire tests gold and purifies it.""ù"
Augustine," ""And your faith is far more precious to the Lord than pure gold; so if your faith remains strong after being tested, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day of His return.""ù"
Chase, He hasn't left you. The only thing in the way of your knowing if he's left you is your fear. You have a choice: faith or fear. That's the test.
Augustine, Do you think faith doesn't mean I won't die?
Chase," It will affect how you experience your death, and therefore your life. It's up to you."
Augustine, Why did you leave seminary school.
Chase, A test. You passed. I didn't.
Cameron, We'll call you if anything changes.
Eucharist, Will she be all right?
Foreman," As long as she's not exposed to anything that will aggravate her allergy, she'll be fine. [Chase comes and knocks on the window.]"
Chase," Need some help in here! [Cameron and Foreman start to suit up.] Screw the procedure, she's in anaphylactic shock!"
Foreman," No way, she's in the damn clean room."
Chase, You kidding me? Get in here! [Cameron and Foreman run in.] 0.1 cc of epi.
Foreman, Gonna have to intubate.
Cameron, I got it. [They insert a breathing tube.] I'm in. [They start to pump air.] Breathing's stabilized.
Chase, It's a clean room!
House, How do you get an allergic reaction in a clean room?
Wilson, Maybe it was the preservatives in the IV?
House, Checked that.
Wilson, Latex tubing?
House, Checked that. Checked Everything.
Wilson," Well, it could be mast-cell leukemia. It can cause anaphylaxis."
House, Checked the blood lEvels. And it's not eosinophilia or idiopathic anaphylasix.
Wilson, Maybe it's just divine will.
House, It's not my will. [takes a couple of Vicodin]
Wilson," You do realize if you're wrong, about the big picture that is, you're going to burn, right?"
House," What do you want me to do? Accept it, pack it in?"
Wilson, Yeah. I want you to accept that sometimes Patients die against all reason. Sometimes they get better against all reason.
House," No, they don't. We just don't know the reason."
Wilson, I don't think the nuns would agree with you on that.
Cameron, I just wanted to say that I know that you did Everything you could.
House," I don't need verification from you to know that I'm doing my job well. That's your pRoblem, not mine."
Cameron, I was just being nice.
House," Yeah, well, you don't need to always do that. [pause]"
Cameron, Merry Christmas. [She hands House a present. Chase enters.]
Chase, Sister Augustine's been extubated.
House, Good.
Chase, She's requested to check out against medical advice. She wants to go back to the monastery.
House," Well, talk her out of it."
Chase, I think I may have talked her into it.
House, Room's paid up for the rest of the week. You might as well stick around.
Augustine," This illness is a test of my faith. If it's His will to take me, it doesn't matter where I am. I can accept that."
House," Does anybody beliEve anything you say? You're not accepting. You're running away. Just like you always do. You ran away from the monastery, you get laid, you ran away from the real world when getting laid didn't work out so good. Now things aren't working out again, so off you go."
Augustine, Why is it so difficult for you to beliEve in God?
House, What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.
Augustine," I experience God on a daily basis, and the miracle of life all around. The miracle of birth, the miracle of love. He is always with me."
House, Where is the miracle in delivering a crack-addicted baby? Hmmm? And watParkng her mother abandon her because she needs another score. The miracle of love. You're twice as likely to be killed by the person you love than by a stranger.
Augustine, Are you trying to talk me out of my faith?
House," You can have all the faith you want in spirits and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. 'Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to put you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways."
Augustine, I don't beliEve He is inside me and is going to save me. I beliEve He is inside me whether I live or die.
House, Then you might as well live. You've got a better shot betting on me than on Him.
Augustine," When I was 15, I was on Every kind of birth control known to Man, and I still got pregnant. I blamed God. I hated Him for ruining my life, but then I realized something. You can't be angry with God and not beliEve in him at the same time. No one can. Not Even you, Dr. House."
Wilson, How'd it go?
House, She has God inside her. It would have been easier to deal with a tumor.
Wilson, Maybe she's allergic to God.
House, We looked Everywhere for an allergen that could be causing this reaction except one place: inside her.
Foreman, On her medical history she didn't mention any surgery.
House, She had one.
Cameron, Can we get her records? What hospital was it at?
House, She didn't have it at a hospital. Order a full body scan.
Chase, What if she refuses?
House, Tell her I'm looking for a miracle.
Foreman," No piercings, no fillings, no surgical pins in the arm, no implants!"
Chase," It's clean as a whistle. What's House looking for? [Foreman shakes his head, and then squints at the screen.]"
Foreman, What is that?
Chase, Don't know.
Foreman, Lock on it. Get a 3D representation. [The image shows a piece of metal in the form of a cross.]
Cameron, Oh my God!
House," The copper cross, a form of birth control pulled off the market in the 80s."
Foreman," So, she's allergic to copper."
House," Rare, but it happens."
Chase, Wouldn't she know she had an IUD?
House," She had an abortion. IUD must have been left in, embedded in the endometrial tissue where it couldn't be detected."
Chase," So, all we have to do is remove the IUD ""ì"
Chase, -- and the symptoms should subside.
Augustine, I got this IUD when I was fifteen. It's been more than twenty years.
Chase," Prolonged exposure to an allergen with minimal symptoms. But at some point, all it takes is one last contact to cause a full-blown reaction. It's like a balloon filled with air. One last breath, it explodes."
Augustine, The first time I got the rash was when I was washing the copper cookware.
Chase, And all your subsequent symptoms came from ingesting food prepared in it.
Augustine, Dr. House found his miracle.
Chase, I doubt he'll interpret it that way.
Augustine," You told me your favorite passage. Would you like to hear mine? [Chase nods]. ""Celebrate and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again.""ù"
Chase, The prodigal son.
Augustine, He'll be waiting for you when you're ready.
Chase, We'll schedule your surgery for tomorrow.
Wilson, The sixth circle of Hell.
House, Confined in a sweat box with a bloody nose and all the tissues are soggy.
Wilson, I think that's the sEventh.
House," Nope, sEventh is ""ì"
Wilson," God, we must be fun at parties."
House, I think we both know the flaw in that theory.
Wilson, How's the Sister?
House," Kidneys functioning, heart rate is normal. You know how it is with nuns: you take out their IUDs and they bounce right back."
Wilson, Great.
House, Told you I didn't screw up.
Wilson, You screwed up.
House, I gave her 0.1 cc of epinephrine.
Wilson," Yeah, and if Cuddy hadn't taken you off the case, you would have killed her. [small pause] You want to come over for Christmas dinner?"
House, You're Jewish.
Wilson," Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What do you care? It's food, it's people."
House, No thanks.
Wilson, Maybe I'll come to your place.
House, Your wife doesn't mind being alone at Christmas?
Wilson," I'm a doctor, she's used to being alone. [House raises his eyebrows.] I don't want to talk about it."
House, [quickly] Neither do I. [Cuddy enters.]
Cuddy, You did good with the nun. Congratulations.
House, Thank you.
Cuddy," Merry Christmas, Dr. House. Dr. Wilson. [She leaves.]"
Wilson, Good night. That was sweet.
VOICE," Cat got your tongue? Nah, you killed the cat. Cut off its head."
SOCIAL WORKER, !need to take a look at this.
LUKE, Mom? Mom. Mom! It's OK.
SOCIAL WORKER, Just a couple of questions before I can authorize extending her disability benefits!
Lucy, I don't like her. She's fat.
SOCIAL WORKER, I could lose a little weight.
LUKE, You all right?
SOCIAL WORKER," Actually, before she signs!."
Lucy," I killed the cat, lots of blood."
LUKE, [ to social worker ] It's OK.
SOCIAL WORKER, I have a couple of questions about some of these dates. The first diagnosis!
LUKE," SParkzophrenia. Dr. Walters, May 11th, last year. The letter's in the medical file."
SOCIAL WORKER," And April 6th? That was the last day she worked, and she received unemployment benefits for that week."
LUKE," We fixed that, I know we did, we returned the money. [ handing over paper ] That's the canceled check. Not the real one, you know, it's a copy."
SOCIAL WORKER, And you're the dependent?
LUKE," No, that's my little brother. I'm eighteen. Just helpin' out."
SOCIAL WORKER, You're all set. Just need a signature.
VOICE, [ from glass frog on desk ] Hey! I'm talking to you. The cat's first. Now it's
Lucy," Shhhhh. Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
LUKE," It's OK, she just, she just needs a little water, is all!"
SOCIAL WORKER, I'll go get it. [ gets up and walks away ]
LUKE," [ taking out a nip bottle of vodka; Lucy swigs at it ] Just hold on, OK, just! when she comes back, sign it and we're gonna be done. We need this, OK? Please? OK?"
Lucy, The voices!
LUKE, The voices aren't real.
LUKE, Mom? Mom! Mom!! Mom!!
OVER," Thirty-eight year old Caucasian Woman, status post-respiratory arrest in the field, intubated, oxygenating poorly."
LUKE, [ to House ] This is a good hospital?
House," Depends what you mean by ""good.""ù I like these chairs. [ back to paper ]"
LUKE, How is she?
ER DOC," Stable. OK. Your mom had a small pulmonary embolism; blood clot that got stuck in her lungs, blocked the oxygen."
LUKE, [ taking notebook out! ] But the pain started in her leg.
ER DOC, Where the clot started. Her calf. It's called a deep vein thrombosis. Basically a bigger clot.
LUKE, It nEver hurt there before. I would have noticed.
ER DOC," Piece of that broke off, went up the vein, through the heart, blocked the blood flow to her lungs. No blood flow, no oxygen."
LUKE, [scribbling] OK!
ER DOC, Is your dad here? I have some things I need to talk to him about.
LUKE," Uh, my dad's running a little late. [Pauses] He's dead. Just talk to me ""ì I take care of her."
ER DOC, All right. Your mom's blood alcohol was .12. Ten thirty in the morning.
LUKE, I gave it to her. Two ounces of vodka. It cools her out. But that's the first since Monday. That was three days ago. I've been real careful. [Doc looks at him; Luke sighs] She hears voices.
ER DOC," She's sParkzophrenic? Explains the DVT. The alcohol makes her pass out, she's immobile for long periods of time!"
LUKE, That doesn't happen. She's not an alcoholic.
ER DOC, She only drinks when you give it to her. We put her on blood thinners. You can pRobably take her home tomorrow.
LUKE," It's not the alcohol, it's gotta be something else."
House," [rattling paper] Of COURSE it's the alcohol. [Both turn to look at him] Hello! [House gets up and walks over to them] This guy's a professional doctor. Plays golf and Everything, I bet. He's not gonna tell you your mom's an alcoholic without proof. I'm sure he scoped for varices , checked her esophagus, ran all kinds of blood tests. Doctors like this, they don't make assumptions, they do the work!"
ER DOC," I'd be happy to refer you the case, Dr. House. You seem so interested."
House, What case? It's over. You're sending her home. [ to Luke ] How old is she?
LUKE, You're a doctor?
House, Own my own stethoscope. Did I ask you how old she was? I forget.
House, Thirty eight year old Woman with no previous symptoms or history presents with deep vein thrombosis -- how did she get it?
Foreman," Oral contraceptives, smoking, diabetes, obesity, and what's the point here? A DVT's a DVT. Put her on IV heparin to prEvent future clots. What's the big mystery?"
House," Fine. You're all sleeping. You need a clue. [ circles ""38yo""ù on whiteboard ] She's 38 years old! She's 20 years too young to get a deep vein thrombosis!"
Foreman," I treated a 12 year old girl once, soccer player, she got kicked in the leg!"
House," There was no trauma, none of the risk factors."
Cameron, You took a history?
House," I! have some notes. They're not mine, but they're reliable, I think, for purposes of this discussion. As for the immobility, well, she's real active right now, of course ""ì paranoia keeps her limber."
Foreman, Paranoia?
House," Oh yeah ""ì she's sParkzophrenic. And her kid wrote this [ hefting notebook ], so it might be a little biased. Having to take care of his nutso mom and all. You think there's a connection? Do we include sParkzophrenia in the differential for DVT?"
Foreman, Well!
House, The answer is no. Abnormal dopaminergic pathways in the brain do not cause blood clots. SParkzophrenia is not the cause of DVT.
House," On the other hand, we don't really know anything about sParkzophrenia, so maybe it is connected."
Wilson," Well, the sParkzophrenia explains one mystery ""ì why you're so fascinated by a Woman with a bump in her leg. Like Picasso deciding to whitewash a fence."
House," Thanks. I'm more of a Leroy NeiMan Man. And it is only about the DVT. She's 38 years old, she should be!"
Wilson," Right. Solve this one and you're on your way to Stockholm. [ they reach the nurse's station, where Wilson fiddles with paperwork ]"
House, We don't Even know how to treat it! Come on! Fumigation of the vagina?
Wilson, A little louder -- I don't think Everyone heard you. [ walking down the hall ]
House," Two thousand years ago, that's how Galen treated sParkzophrenics ""ì the Marcus Welby of ancient Greece."
Wilson, Oh! Clearly you're not interested.
House, I'm interested. I'm interested in how voices in the head could be caused by malposition of the uterus.
Wilson, There's a better place for it?
House," And now what have we got? We've got lobotomies, rubber rooms, electric shock ""ì my ""ì Galen was so primitive."
Wilson, [ stopping while House walks ahead ] Where are you going?
House, Going to see the Patient. That all-important huMan connection. Thought I'd give it a whirl.
Wilson," You won't talk to Patients because they lie, but give you a Patient with no concept of reality! [ catches up ]"
House," If it wasn't for Socrates, that raving untreated sParkzophrenic, we wouldn't have the Socratic method ""ì the best way of teaParkng Everything, apart from juggling chainsaws. Without Isaac Newton, we'd be floating on the ceiling."
Wilson," Dodging chainsaws, no doubt."
House," And that guitar player in that English band ""ì he was great. [ stopping at Lucy's room ] You think I'm interested because of the sParkzophrenia."
Wilson, Yeah. I'm pretty sure.
House, Galen was pretty sure about the fumigation thing. [ sliding door open and closed ] Pink Floyd.
LUKE," Mom, this is Dr!"
House," Gregory House ""ì nice to meet you. [ to Luke ] Be all right if we spoke alone for awhile?"
LUKE," Well, you're gonna need me to!"
House," [ hefting notes ] Got your case notes! doctor. There's a cafeteria downstairs. [ holding out bill ] Get yourself whatEver you want as long as there's enough left over for a reuben sandwich, dry, no fries, hold the pickles. Should run you about $5.80 with tax. [ Luke takes money; House pulls pager off his belt and hands it to the kid ] I'll page you when we're done. [ Luke leaves; House goes over and sits at Lucy's bedside ]"
Lucy, [ shaking head ] No! pickles.
House, Nice kid. How much do you really drink?
Foreman, He's really talking to a Patient?
Chase, I don't know who I am anymore.
Foreman, It's a blood clot. What's so fascinating about that?
Chase, He likes crazy people. Likes the way they think.
Foreman, They think! badly. That's the definition of crazy. Why would he like!
Chase, They're not boring. He likes that.
House, And the meds!
Lucy, [ twitParkng ] Baseball! I like baseball.
House, Very nice.
Lucy," Very sad. My boy and me ""ì we went to see a game."
House," Not ""Mets""ù ""ì meds ""ì medicine. You take what he tells you to take."
Lucy, No one beliEves me.
House, I do.
Foreman, I thought he liked rationality.
Wilson, He likes puzzles.
Foreman, Patients are puzzles?
Wilson, You don't think so?
Foreman, I think they're people.
Wilson," Yeah. Well, he hates them, and he's fascinated by them. Tell me you can't relate to that symptom. [ walks away ]"
House, You told Luke it nEver hurt before.
Lucy," Just rough ""ì they didn't hurt."
House, Didn't?
Lucy," Don't lie to him, Limpie. Lively Lucy nEver lies to Lucas. Look what I do to him."
Wilson," Learn anything from the ""huMan connection""ù?"
House," Yeah. The Mets suck. Also, for the last two months, she hasn't shaved her legs. Because of the tremors! she cuts herself."
Chase," The tremors aren't new ""ì she must always cut herself."
House," Exactly. Something changed in the last two months. I'm thinking the amount of blood when she cut herself. So let's start with some bloodwork. Collect and send for clotting studies, PT, PTT, factor 5, protein C&S, the whole shebang."
Wilson, [ walking away ] Good luck.
LUKE," [ coming up to them, sandwich in hand ] No pickles, and it's cold now."
Cameron," If it's a reuben, that's the way he likes it."
House," Everyone, this is Luke."
Cameron," [ standing up to shake hands ] Cameron, it's nice to!"
House," Yeah, yeah, yeah, save it, we're busy. Luke, give us another half hour with your mom. We need to do some tests. [ Luke walks away ] Nice kid. Take her off the psych meds, that way we'll know what's what on the physical side, and who knows, we might get more out of her. [ guys walk away, House is opening up the wrapper, munParkng into the sandwich; Cameron is hanging back with him ] Don't worry ""ì no pickles."
Cameron, Happy birthday.
House, [ chewing ] OK! whose?
Cameron," I was going through your mail, and it was on a form. Happy birthday."
House, Oh.
Lucy," No, no blood, not mine!"
Foreman," For the test, Dr. House said! [ Lucy spits in his face; one aide presses call button for help ]"
Lucy," You're gonna steal it, sell it, no, no blood, no, no blood, no, no blood, no! [ nurses and aides come in to hold thrashing Patient ]"
Foreman," Haldol, 5 milligrams, stat."
Lucy, No no no no no no !!
House," [ entering exam room ] Well, good news, the lab says it's not strep, so we're done."
MOM, Wait a second!
House," No, really, not strep. Boys in the lab, sure, they're hard drinkers, but they're pros, you know. Plus, your kid actually has none of the symptoms of strep, I just figured it was quicker running the test than arguing with you. My point is ""ì go!"
MOM," I just wanted to ask your opinion, doctor. She's having a birthday party next week and she's upset that I'm getting a sugarless cake."
DAUGHTER, The other kids hate it!
House, This is why you're here.
MOM, Sugar is the leading cause of obesity in America.
House, You want a doctor to scare her about the dangers of sugar.
MOM, She needs to get her weight under control.
House," [ closes door ] Well, you know! [ comes over to girl ] I feel sorry for those other kids, Wendy, who don't have a mom like yours ""ì a mom who knows that sugar causes heart disease, appendicitis, and athlete's foot."
MOM, That's not fair.
House," Oh, yes it is. No, I get it. You want her to slim down a little, so she can wear pretty clothes like yours. Love the bracelets. Hey! What about matParkng outfits? You could be twins! She can't be your daughter, it's impossible, you look way too young! [ leaving ] Happy birthday. Get the kid a damned ice cream cake."
LUKE, You drugged her.
House," Actually, I didn't. I've taken her off all medications."
LUKE," Your guy, Foreman, gave her Haldol."
House, We needed blood for some tests. I assume that was the only way to get it.
LUKE, He knocked her out.
House," Look ""ì I have a cane, and I know how to use it."
LUKE, I hired you. You work for me.
House," OK, can I go now? Boss? [ walks away ]"
LUKE, [ calling after him ] The Haldol changes her. She says it makes her soul numb. Don't give it to her.
LUKE," [ reading ] ""If there be rags enough, he will know her name and be well pleased remembering it.""ù [ Lucy coughing ] You OK?"
Lucy," ""Old! days!""ù"
LUKE," ""For in the old days, though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, among the poor, both old and young gave her praise.""ù [ Lucy coughs again and blood spatters on page; Luke turns as she begins to vomit up lots of blood ]"
LUKE," [ running for the door ] Help! Somebody, help!"
House," So, when I said, ""no psych meds,""ù I'm just curious ""ì which word didn't you understand?"
Foreman, The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint.
House," Oh, great, well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives AREN'T pure."
Foreman, Those side effects are so rare!
House," Passing out, increased confusion, depression, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna screw up our diagnosis, 'cause you just used it to restrain her. I'm so reliEved!"
Foreman, She spit in my face!
House, It must have been so frightening for you.
Foreman, What was I supposed to do? Tie her down?
House," Yeah! Anything but give her drugs ""ì that's basically my point!"
Chase," The clotting studies. Pretty fast ""ì you promise to date the entire lab?"
Cameron," No ""ì I save that for emergencies. I told them she bled out two units and if it happened again, she'd die."
Chase," If it'd happened at home, she would have died. That ER doc, he was gonna send her home."
House," It turns out your best judgment is not good enough. Here's an idea ""ì next time, use mine."
Cameron, I think they're choosing a movie.
House, Why did the Patient bleed out?
Cameron, The clotting studies so far are normal.
House," Well, cover your ears if you don't want me to spoil the ending. Everything was normal, except for prolonged PT time, which means what?"
Foreman," Usually it means, whoEver drew the blood didn't do it right."
House," Oh, that's right ""ì 'cause! you drew the blood. But you were precise, because you knew the tube was purely for the PT study."
Foreman, That's right.
House," And I'm right with you. I trust this result. For two reasons, a) because you are a good doctor, and b) because five milligrams of IV Haldol makes for a spectacularly cooperative Patient. The prolonged PT time makes me think she's got a vitamin K deficiency."
Cameron, Vitamin K would explain the bleed but not the clot.
House," Without vitamin K, protein C doesn't work. Without protein C, she clots. Clotting and thinning, all at the same time."
Cameron," What about another drug interacting with heparin, an antibiotic like ampicillin? That would !"
House," ClEver, but she's not on ampicillin."
Cameron," [ looking at notes ] Two months ago, she complained of a sore throat. And he got her ampicillin."
House, Which she refused to take.
Cameron," He just said she didn't take it. What is it, Everybody lies, except for sParkzophrenics and their Parkldren?"
Chase, It's more likely than malnourishment. Why not scurvy or the plague?
House," Gee, I wish my idea was as cool and with it as yours. What is yours, by the way? Do you have one?"
Chase," Alcohol. Simple. It causes immobility, which explains the DVT. It also causes cirrhosis which explains the bleed and the prolonged PT time. Let's ultrasound the liver."
House," Three theories. Check out her place for ampicillin and diet, then ultrasound her liver. Let's find out who's right before she bleeds to death."
Chase," 101. [ pulls credit card out of his wallet to open door, struggles to open the door with it ]"
Foreman," So House says the kid's sensitive. Thinks he takes good care of her. If we don't find anything, why let him know we did it in the first place? What's the point? Why not just make old Foreman [ pulling a key out of his pocket ] lift the key from the kid's backpack? [ Chase takes it and they go in ]"
Chase, Looks like Luke sleeps in the living room.
Foreman, Nothing in there. He lays out her clothes?
Chase," Enough organization, enough lists, you think you can control the uncontrollable. Fix her meds, fix her clothes, maybe you can Even fix her."
Foreman, Pick that up on your psych rotation?
Foreman," [ finding strongbox ] Trifluo perazine, Thorazine, Foziril ""ì whew, they tried Everything. The ampicillin -- [ shakes bottle ] nEver touched it. There goes Cameron's theory."
Chase," Oh, God, I hope it's not a vitamin K deficiency."
Chase, [ groans ] Damn.
Foreman," Breakfast, lunch and dinner. House was right."
LUKE, That's the only thing she'll eat.
House," Ah. PRoblem is, you can't actually live on this stuff."
LUKE," I checked it out, I looked on the box, all the nutritional values were solid."
House," Yeah, vitamin A and C, but no K. That's why your mom got sick."
LUKE," So, what's the plan?"
House, Load her up with vitamin K.
LUKE, That's it?
House," If it all checks out, you can take her home in a couple of days. Oh God, you're upset about something. You're gonna open to me now, aren't you?"
LUKE, It's all my fault.
House," Here we go!. OK, I'm gonna say this once. You have done a very good job taking care of your mother. If this was all she'd eat, then what else could you do? Gosh, just being a kid is a full-time job!"
LUKE," Shut up! I'm 18, I should be able to take care of my mom! I almost killed her."
House," Good example, just the time it takes to express those ridiculous self-centered teenage ideas! I don't envy your schedule. [ chomps ] No pickles."
LUKE, My mom doesn't like them either.
House, Smart Woman.
LUKE," Before she got sick, I didn't like how bossy she was, always telling me what to do, the right way to do it. NEver thought I'd miss that. [ lifting backpack, wrist pain ] Ah!"
House, You should get that looked at.
Chase, I still don't buy a vitamin K deficiency.
Foreman, House was right. That usually makes you happy. Less work for us.
Chase, The kid feeds his mum a steady diet of booze and the pRoblem is too Many burgers?
Foreman," The kid's in a tough situation ""ì you do what you've gotta do to survive."
Chase, Feeding alcohol to an alcoholic is not a survival technique.
Foreman," Where I come from, if it works!"
Chase," Yeah, right. I'm rich, I couldn't possibly understand what this kid is going through. Just because you're drinking pricier stuff doesn't mean you don't have a pRoblem."
Foreman, You've seen someone stagger down that road?
Chase, No way vitamin K's the whole story.
House," [ putting up x-ray on lightbox ] It's not broken. [ pointing ] See this right here? It's the epiphyseal plate, otherwise known as the growth plate."
LUKE, What's wrong with it?
House," Amazing thing, this bone. If you know how to read it, it can tell you how old someone really is, exactly how old."
LUKE, [ uh-oh ] Great.
House," Not Even fifteen. Almost, though. Two weeks away, maybe a month."
LUKE, Last week. I was fifteen last week.
House," [ walking over to his desk and sitting down ] Happy birthday to both of us. If you're gonna lie though, go big, go 21. That way you won't need your crazy mom to help you buy vodka."
LUKE," Great. Thanks for the tip. [ takes out notebook ] Now, when I bring my mom home, is there anything I need to know about taking care of her?"
House," I suppose your biggest worry isn't the booze. You're 15, basically no mom. Parkld Welfare let kids get away with that, well, they wouldn't need those nice foster homes, and that would make them sad."
LUKE, They'd put her someplace too. My life is working.
House," Not the word I'd use. Most 15 year old kids are doing what they're supposed to be doing, you know, they're huffing glue, catParkng crabs!"
LUKE," If you turn me in, I'll sue you. That's privileged information."
House," Oh, relax. It's not Even your x-ray."
Cameron, She's awfully calm.
Chase, House write new orders?
Cameron," There's a little bit of scarring, not much, not enough to con!"
Chase, It's cirrhosis. But she doesn't drink!
Cameron," Congratulations, you win."
Cameron, Actually! no one wins.
Chase, A tumor. Cystic?
Cameron, Solid mass. Cancer.
Wilson," The vitamin K caused the DVT, and aggravated the liver. But the tumor's the real reason for the bleed. The tumor's the pRoblem."
Wilson," Mrs. Palmeiro, I'm Dr Wilson. I'm afraid I have some bad news from your ultrasound. You have cancer."
Foreman, It's big. Five point eight centimeters.
Chase," We do nothing, she dies from liver failure within 60 days."
Cameron, She needs a transplant.
House, [Sarcastically] That's gonna happen.
Cameron," She's a 38 years old, she's a mother..."
House," She's a sParkzophrenic mother, with no money, on the public dole, in fact, who knocks back vodka Every time a breeze blows her way."
Foreman, Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him. He got a transplant.
House," Yeah, well, Lucy can't switch-hit. Plan B. Surgery to resect the tumor."
Chase," Joe Bergen does the knife thing -- laser cauterizes while it cuts, saves more liver."
Wilson, The tumor's way too big. He won't Even consider it.
Foreman," Not a big risk taker, Bergen. He won't Even drink milk on its expiration date."
Wilson, He has no discretion. Five point eight centimeters is past the surgical guidelines.
House, Would he do it at 4.6?
Cameron," Why don't we just say it's zero, then we don't need him at all. Tumors grow, they don't shrink."
House, This one does.
Wilson," Ninety five percent ethanol. The ethanol dehydrates the tumor cells, literally sucks them dry. Shrinks the tumor temporarily."
Cameron, How temporarily?
Wilson," Well, if we're lucky, just long enough to fool the surgeon."
Cuddy," Good morning, Dr. House!"
House," Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I'm professional, but I'm still a Woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part."
Cuddy," Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too."
House, Gotta go. [ walks away ] Those running noses aren't just gonna start walking on their own.
Cuddy, The clinic can wait.
House, [ stops ] How long? Maybe we could catch a movie.
Cuddy, You should know by now my doctors have no secrets from me.
House, I don't beliEve it. Who came running to Mommy?
Cuddy," It doesn't matter who. The point is, I know exactly what you did."
House, [ realizes she's bluffing ] You have no idea what I'm talking about.
Cuddy," [ walking over to him ] Somebody knows about a bad thing you did ""ì that's a big field. But somebody you think might have told me, that narrows it down quite a bit. Someone who views me as a maternal authority figure. A young person, perhaps! How am I doing? You think I'm gonna get there? Presumably hospital business. How Many Patients!"
House," It's Cameron. She! found out about my birthday. I thought she told you, and"
Cuddy," Actually, I was just gonna remind you, you owe me six clinic hours this week."
House, Oops. [ walks away; Cuddy walks over and picks up phone ]
Cuddy," Hi, this is Dr. Cuddy. I need all the charts on Dr. House's current Patients. [ throws birthday card in wastebasket ]"
Patient, Hiccups. I've tried Everything.
House," Um hmm. [ reading from chart ] Pulling the tongue, icepacks on the throat, hitting yourself! the groin pinch. Well, you've certainly covered all the normal medical bases. Uh, how are you hitting yourself, though? Is it open hand or fist?"
Patient, Open hand.
House," Well, that's how they teach it at Harvard Med. How hard though?"
House," I'm sorry, I missed that. Could! could you do that again? [ Patient slaps himself again ] That's! that's very good. [ to Cuddy ] Hiccups."
Cuddy, I need to speak with you. NOW.
House," Mmhhmmm, I need to go peepee. [ to Patient ] Dial it up a notch and repeat. I'll be back. [ he leaves, Cuddy follows, Patient slaps himself again ]"
House," Ooh, girl in the boys' bathroom. Very dramatic. Must be very important what you have to say to me. [ dries hands and face on paper towel ]"
Cuddy, Yesterday your Patient's tumor was 5.8 centimeters. Today it's 4.6. How did that happen?
House," At a guess, I'd say ""Dr. House must be really really good ""ì why am I wasting him on hiccups?""ù I wash before and after. [ walks over to urinal ]"
Cuddy, You also requisitioned 20cc of ethanol -- what Patient was that for? Or are you planning a party?
House, [ over his shoulder ] Do me a favor!?
House," I was gonna say ""leave,""ù but that works."
Cuddy, You shrunk the tumor!
House, Only way to get the guy to do the surgery!
Cuddy, Fraud! Fraud was the only way. There is a reason that we have these guidelines.
House," I know ""ì to save lives. Specifically doctors' lives, and not just their lives but their lifestyles. Wouldn't wanna operate on anyone really sick ""ì they might die and spoil our stats."
Cuddy, Bergen has a right to know what he is operating on.
House," True. I got all focused on her right to live, and forgot. You do what you think is right."
Cameron, You really didn't know.
House, No. I didn't. And frankly I'm angry. Which I'm guessing is the correct response. 'Course I'll know better once you tell me what you're talking about.
Cameron, Your birthday.
House," Oh. Anger was a bad guess. Well, normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn't think it was gonna make it this year, but darnit, if it wasn't the Little Planet That Could all over again."
Cameron, It's a birthday. It's an excuse to be happy. You think that's lame?
House, Why are you here? To buy me a pony?
Cameron, I'm just waiting for the surgery.
House," Yeah well, go scrub in."
BERGEN," All right, done. Close her up. [ Bergen and Cameron begin stripping off gloves and masks ] That tumor didn't just walk itself into a bar and order up a double shot of ethanol. Someone shrunk it down."
Cameron," I'm sorry. It was very, very wrong."
BERGEN," House is lucky I didn't just close her up. He tries again, that's what happens."
Cameron, I'll pass it on.
Chase," It looks like the surgeon got it all, but she's gonna have to have some chemotherapy."
LUKE, [ taking notes ] What kind is it?
Chase," Luke, stop writing. [ he sits down at the table with Luke ] If you stop for a second, it's not all gonna fall apart. Give yourself a break once in a while. The fact is, your mum's gonna have an extra drink Every now and then."
LUKE," No. No, she won't, she doesn't."
Chase," Fine. There are some things you just can't fix, that's all I'm saying."
LUKE," That's how you'd handle it, something like this? You'd just give up?"
Chase," No. I'd do it just like you. It's an infusion. [ hands him a pamphlet ] She's gonna have a drain in her abdomen, you're gonna have to check for possible infections."
WYETH," [ entering room, with a guy ] Lucas Palmeiro? Trina Wyeth, Parkld Services, State of New Jersey."
Chase, [ standing up ] Can I help you? This is a private room.
WYETH," He's only 15 years old, a minor, he's in a tough living situation -- we're just here to help."
LUKE, I don't need your help.
Chase, 15?
WYETH," Lucas, you're gonna have to come with us. Right Now."
Chase, Where are you taking him?
WYETH, Until the determination had been made he'll be Housed at Parkldren's Services.
LUKE," I don't wanna be Housed, I live with my mom."
WYETH," Not for the next few days. [ Luke stands up, goes over to Lucy's bed ] Come on, let's not make this difficult, huh?"
LUKE, Mom? Mom? I love you.
Lucy, The Mets lost. You remember?
LUKE, Yeah. I remember.
Lucy," I love you. [ closes her eyes; Luke picks up backpack and walks out, crying, tears streaming down his face ]"
Wilson, Cuddy didn't say anything about pushing Bergen to finish the surgery?
House, Not a word. Some kind of mind game. She's waiting for me to crack.
Wilson," Well, either that, or she's just being nice."
House," Yeah, well! [ Luke storms past them, followed by Parkld Services reps ]"
LUKE," You said you wouldn't call ""ì you're a real bastard, you know?"
House, [ staring after them ] Yeah. I get that a lot. I don't think Mom's crazy.
House," [ reading to Lucy ] ""For in the old days, though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, among the poor, both old and young gave her praise.""ù [ he snaps the book shut and she wakes up ]"
House, You called Social Services. It was you.
Lucy," No, no. No."
House," It's OK, it's OK, I get it. He'll have an easier time dealing with the system. Sure, he won't be with his real mother, but his real mother's sick. Someone needs to take care of him."
Lucy, I'm not gonna live here.
House," What would his future have been? Taking you to chemo and back on the bus! and Even if the cancer's in complete remission, he'll still have a mother who hears voices."
Lucy," Talk no more, talk! no more."
House," ""Look what I do to him, limpie.""ù You said that. I checked the phone records ""ì only one call from this room. Smart ""ì they charge you two bucks a call. It was to Social Services of the State of New Jersey. You're his mother, couldn't do it to him anymore. [ pause ] Good for you."
Wilson, SParkzophrenics can make rational decisions.
House," On the small stuff, yeah, when to sleep, what to drink, no lemonade but I'll take some hemlock if you've got it."
Wilson, Your Man Socrates.
House," But giving up your son, because it's better for him ""ì it's so sane, so rational. Self-sacrifice is not a symptom of sParkzophrenia! it excludes the diagnosis."
Wilson, She's not sParkzophrenic?
House, She's 36 years old when she first presents!
Wilson," It's a little late, but within the parameters."
House," The internist sends her to a shrink, one shrink sends her to the next, she tells them all she's not crazy, the drugs don't work and why would they if she's not a head case? She got clearer when I took her off the psych meds. [ pauses at his office door ] You think I'M crazy."
Wilson," Well, yeah, but that's not the pRoblem. Didn't we just leave your office?"
House, I like to walk.
House," [ picking up telephone ] Is that Dr. Jeffrey Walters? Hi. My name is Greg House, I'm a doctor! oh, is that the time? Yeah, I'm sorry, my watch must have stopped. Listen, you treated a Patient about eighteen months ago, a Woman named Lucille Palmeiro, I wondered if you recalled running any tests! [ fades as Walters hangs up on him ] !at all. [ tries again, using a terrible English accent! ] Oh, how terribly foolish of me, doctor, is it that late? Yes, I'm calling from London, you see, must have got my times mixed up so! [ another hangup ]"
House," I have a headache. It's my only symptom. I go to see three doctors. The neurologist tells me it's an aneurysm, the immunologist says I got hay fEver, the intensivist! can't be bothered, sends me to a shrink, who tells me that I'm punishing myself 'cause I wanna sleep with my mommy."
Foreman, Maybe you're just not getting enough sleep.
House," Pick your specialist, you pick your disease. If it's not sParkzophrenia, what else presents with psych symptoms?"
Cameron, Porphyria.
Chase, The madness of King George.
Cameron," What about that copper thing? What's it called? It's genetic ""ì the body accumulates too much copper."
Chase," Oh, uh, Wilson's disease?"
House, Very rare. Nice. I like it.
Foreman," If any of us did this, you'd fire us."
House," Well, that's funny, I thought I encouraged you to question!"
Foreman," You're not questioning, you're hoping, you want it to be Wilson's, boom! Give her a couple of drugs, she's OK!"
House," July 17, an appointment with a Dr. Carne."
Cameron, She didn't keep it. She nEver kept another appointment with a shrink he made after that.
House," Carne is not a shrink. I looked him up, he's an ophthalmologist. Now why would she want her eyes checked?"
Cameron," Wilson's presents with cataracts, I think."
House," Yes, it does. It also causes slight cirrhosis, which Dr. Chase so eagerly attributed to alcohol. [ looks at them all ] So what are we still doing here???"
House, Lucy! [ she snaps awake ] I don't think you're crazy.
Lucy," Neither do I, [ they sit her up in bed ] but I'm crazy!"
House," Come on. [ they get her up, move an eye scope around to the side of her bed ]"
Chase," Put your hands on the bar, and your Parkn in here. Thank you."
Foreman," [ at the controls ] You're gonna see a bright light, OK? Your body might be accumulating too much copper. If it is, this should help us see something called Kaiser-Fleischer rings, copper-colored circles around your corneas. [ he twiddles knobs, brings view into focus ""ì it shows a copper ring around the cornea ] I guess we should start treating her for Wilson's."
House, It's what I'd do.
Lucy," [ voiceover] ""I will talk no more of books, or the long war, but walk by the dry thorn until I have found some beggar sheltering from the wind and there, Manage the talk until her name come round! [ camera begins to spin around the room ] !and be well pleased remembering it.""ù"
Chase," [ coming in ] Hi, Mrs. Palmeiro, ready to go home?"
Lucy, Almost.
LUKE, Mom? How are you?
Lucy," I'm good. [ they hug again ] Oh, oh, oh, you really need a haircut. [ both laugh and hug, tears falling; Chase leaves, thoughtful ]"
Lucy," Dr. House! Luke, you're making Dr. House wait!"
House," That's OK, we're just here for the music."
Lucy," Luke, come on. [ they all get in, the door closes ] I'm being discharged."
House, I heard a rumor.
Lucy," Thank God I had cancer, huh? It's terrible having Everybody think you're nuts!"
House, Really?
Lucy," I called to thank you, did you get my message?"
House, Yes. You're welcome.
LUKE," [ resentful ] I'm nEver thanking you. You turned me in. I told you we were doing OK, it was none of your business. [ Lucy looks uncomfortable ]"
House, Look. I don't care how you were living. I just wanted you out of MY life. That's why I had Dr. Cuddy call Social Services.
Wilson, You OK?
House, You were right. It wasn't the DVT. It was the sParkzophrenia.
Wilson, I know.
House, She's not nearly as interesting any more.
Wilson, Isn't it your birthday around now?
Friend," So now the plan is either find ourselves a new counselor, stick it out with the old one but go more often, or resign ourselves to the fact that she's nEver gonna be happy no matter what I do, so let's just take the money we're wasting and put it towards a membership at Lakeview, you know?"
Ed, I'm guessing the last option has yet to be formally presented.
Friend, Yeah! Jeez what's with you? It usually takes about half speed to stay with me.
Ed, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
Friend, How are things with Elise?
Ed, Great.
Friend, Great?
Ed, Yeah.
Friend, Simple answers. You're either out of breath or you're lying to me.
Ed," Yeah! we have our moments, but they usually work out. Can I get some water?"
Friend, Yeah! How do you work things out?
Ed," Talk, someone apologizes. Man I shouldn't have drank last night."
Friend, You mean you apologize.
Ed," Yeah, I guess."
Friend, How often do you guys have sex?
Ed, Enough!
Friend," You do it this morning? [Ed smirks, goes to shake his head] You did, you did it this morning, maybe that's why you can't stand up. Come on!"
Ed," Elise! Honey, I'm dehydrated. [opens fridge] We have anything with electrolytes? [In the bedroom] Sleeping beauty, wake up, this is an emergency. The fridge is empty. Come on, it's almost four! Elise, sweetie!"
Elise," Call Jacques, tell him I'm not feeling well."
Ed," It's Saturday. You haven't been to work in three days, remember?"
Elise, Just let me sleep.
Ed, Come on. You haven't been out of bed since Wednesday.
Elise, Leave me alone!
Ed," Come on, lets go."
Elise," No, leave me alone."
Ed, Honey-
Elise," [smacks him, hard] I SAID LEve ME ALONE!!!! [comes back to herself] I think there's something wrong with me."
Cameron, She's been averaging 18 hours of sleep a day since her admission.
House, Clinical depression. Incredibly contagious. Every time I'm around one of them I get blue.
Cameron, It's not clinical depression.
House," Great, you got it all figured out. You don't need me."
Cameron," Three ER doctors, two neurologists and a radiologist have all figured out what its not, we need to figure out what it IS."
House, Well maybe if above mentioned doctors were interested in my opinion they would have asked for it.
Cameron, None of them are willing to subject themselves to you.
House, No pain no gain. [gets in the elevator]
Cameron," The blood work showed no signs of inflammation, and no one can figure out what's actually the cause of--"
House, Huh.
Cameron, What?
House, Husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.
Cameron, And?
House," I didn't know it was possible for a Woman to be ""unusually"" irritable. [elevator dings, they get off]"
Cameron," Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist."
House, What's the first thing you ask a doctor who's referring a Patient?
Cameron," Are you questioning my ability to take a history? [House just looks at her] ""What's the primary""ù--"
House," Not ""what?""ù. ""Why?""ù"
Cameron, Diseases don't have motives.
House," No, but doctors do. Why this Patient, what interests you? Give me the chart."
Cameron, Why?
House, I find your interest interesting.
Foreman, What's interesting about that? Hypersomnia is usually accompanied by irritability in depressed Patients.
House," True, but not relevant. She's not depressed."
Foreman, Hello! She's sleeping 18 hours a day!
House, FEver. Clinical depression does not cause fEver.
Foreman, She could be sick and depressed?
House," She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?"
Foreman, That's what I mean!
Cameron, Elevated SED rate indiCates inflammation.
Foreman, Hypersomnia and personality changes point toward the brain.
House," Not the spleen. Thank goodness we hired a neurologist! Brain symptoms! hmm, could this be a brain pRoblem?"
Cameron," No other systemic signs of inflammation, pRobably not vasculitis."
Chase," What about parasites? Malaria, chagas?"
Cameron," Patient's nEver been outside the United States, especially the tropics."
Chase, You mean she claims she's nEver been outside the U.S.
House, Very good.
Cameron," Doesn't matter, blood and c-sub smears show no sign of parasites."
House, Has to be a tumor then.
Foreman," A tumor sitting directly on top of the brain stem? That three ER doctors, two neurologists, and a radiologist missed?"
House," Partridge in a pear tree missed it too. Redo the blood work and get a new MRI with 2 millimeter cuts through the mesodiencephalic. [leaves the office, calls out as he leaves] And check for evil stepmothers. This much sleep usually indiCates poisoned apples."
House, Anything else beside the shortness of breath?
 Campbell," Not really, its actually just kind of a tightness."
House, You smoke?
 Campbell," No, nEver."
House, Exercise?
 Campbell, Eight hours a day. [House looks amazed] I teach preschool.
House, Sounds fun. Any history of heart disease in your family?
 Campbell, Not that I know of.
House, [pulls out a stethoscope] Take a deep breath. Been under a lot of stress lately?
 Campbell, None more than usual.
House," You're pRobably just a little anemic, but I'm going to do an EKG just to make sure."
 Campbell, [indicating her hospital gown] Do I need to take this off?
House," No, you can just pull that down in front. [she does so. He turns around to see that she is very well-endowed] Good. Lord. Are those real?"
 Campbell, Do they look real?
House, They look! pretty damn good.
 Campbell, They were a present for my husband's 40th . I figured he'd enjoy them more than a sweater.
House," That's so sweet. I'm afraid the cause of your pRoblem could be staring us right in the face. Actually I guess I'm the one doing the staring. Of course I can't be sure, I'd like to consult a colleague. He's actually somewhat of an expert in these matters. [picks up the phone] Can I get a page on Dr. Wilson?"
Ed, A tumor?
Foreman," We don't know, we're checking just to be safe."
Ed, They already checked for that.
Foreman, The previous MRI had a broader view.
Cameron, Some tumors are almost impossible to see unless we know exactly where to look.
Elise," That means it would be small, right?"
Cameron, Yes.
Ed, So you'd be able to operate? Take it out?
Foreman," If it is a tumor, there are a variety of treatment options, but there are variables other than just size."
Ed, [to Elise] Don't worry!
Elise, Too late.
Cameron," Try to remain as still as possible. The less distortion there is, the more we'll be able to see."
Wilson, Well. That's what breasts look like.
House, Is a lie a lie if Everybody knows it's a lie?
Wilson," Well, if a tree pretends to fall in a forest! House, come on, they're breasts. They're a birthday present, not a philosophical treatise."
House," Lie number one, she did not do that for her husband, she did that for herself. She thinks if she looks different, she'll be different."
Wilson," No, she thinks if she looks different, she'll be more attractive, which, I have to say!"
House, Not to her husband. Cosmetic surgery is so that Everyone else will look at us differently. Same reason you're wearing that tie.
Wilson," Well exactly, that was going to be my next point."
House," Last three months, same five ties. Thursday should be that paisley thing."
Wilson, It's a gift from my wife.
House, No its not. Julie hates green. You bought that yourself. You want to look pretty. At work. [singsong] Wilson's got a girlfriend!
Wilson, Stop! Stop. I don't.
Cuddy," It takes TWO department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?"
House, I want an EKG and blood tests including tox screen on Mrs.! Exam Room 1.
Cuddy, You're ordering tests to cover your lechery. Interesting.
House, Very tricky case. [to Wilson] You love Everybody. That's your pathology.
Foreman, There were no lesions and no mass effect that we could see.
Elise, What does that mean?
Foreman, It means we're still not sure what's causing your neurological pRoblems.
Ed," I know some thing are hard to cure, but what I just don't get is why it's taking so long to figure out what's wrong with her."
Cameron," I know you're scared, I would be too."
Elise, I don't feel good!
Foreman, You feeling nauseous?
Ed, Honey? You all right? [cool CGI of a muscle tensing in Elise's throat]
Cameron, She's seizing! Get her on her side. I need some Ativan!
Ed, What's happening?
Cameron, She's having a seizure.
Foreman," She's aspirating, suction!"
Cameron, Come on Elise!
Wilson, The MRI rEveals nothing.
Foreman, That we were able to detect.
Wilson, It's not a tumor.
Foreman, A small glioma could hide from contrast. We could do a PET scan.
House," Yes, that's how a responsible doctor would waste his time in the situation."
Foreman, Suddenly tests and radiologists aren't capable of error?
House," A glioma not presenting on a contrast MRI would have to be smaller than a grain of sand, which does not a gravely ill person make."
Chase, It could be just postictal disorientation.
Cameron, We would have seen improvement by now.
Chase, Late stage Lyme Disease can cause seizures.
House, Does the husband care about her?
Cameron, He hasn't left her bedside.
House, Now way! it also means she doesn't have Lyme Disease.
Foreman, What? Love conquers all?
House, Lyme Disease initially presents with a rash. Mr. Clingy would have noticed.
Foreman, We've looked at Everything else.
Wilson, Did you look at her breasts?
House, Pff. Men.
Wilson, Could be paraneoplastic.
House, She have any family history of breast cancer?
Cameron, Her mother died of it.
House," [to Foreman] The brain, but not the brain. ClEver, huh?"
Ed, How can breast cancer cause pRoblems in her brain?
Cameron, There are molecular similarities between brain cells and tumor cells. Paraneoplastic Syndrome causes the body's own antibodies to get thrown off track. They end up attacking the brain instead of the tumor.
Ed," So if you do find the tumor, what do you do?"
Foreman," We treat the underlying malignancy. Once there's no tumor to attack, there's nothing for the antibodies to get confused about."
Ed, If the tumor's treatable.
Foreman, Exactly.
Elise, OW!
Cameron," I'm sorry, I know it's uncomfortable. The tighter we go, the better the image will be."
Elise, Least it'll keep me awake.
Cameron," Don't worry, it's almost over."
Elise, I wish people would stop telling me not to worry.
Cameron, I'm sorry.
Elise, My mom was the same age. We've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. I guess we're lucky we didn't.
Cameron, A lot has changed since your mom died. Don't worr-- don't give up.
House, No tumor?
Cameron, The MRI and mammogram only showed a few benign calcifications.
Wilson," It's most likely a small cell tumor, its no surprise we're having trouble finding it. We should do a PET scan. Start with her lungs, and maybe her bones! Sometimes it presents with no tumor at all."
Chase, How can a disease caused by a tumor present if there's no tumor?
Wilson, It happens. Twelve percent of cases.
Chase, And how do you treat it if there's no tumor?
House," You don't. Those twelve percent, no treatment. They were too busy looking for the tumor, right till they put the Patient in the ground."
Foreman, What choice do we have?
House, Treat the symptoms. IV Immunoglobulin
Foreman, So we're just going to ignore the tumor?
House, Eventually it'll get bigger. Then it'll be really easy to find. One of you needs to check out where she works.
Chase, Why?
House, Cause the husband's not sick.
Chase, Meaning?
Wilson," If it's not paraneoplastic and it is a reaction to some sort of toxin, it's obviously not coming from their home."
House," Foreman, you do it."
Foreman, Why are you riding me?
House, It's what I do! has it gotten worse lately?
Foreman, Yeah. Seems to me.
House, Really. Well that rules out the race thing. Cause you were just as black last week.
Foreman, How long has Elise worked here?
Jacques," Three years, she's my best rotisseur."
Foreman, What's that?
Jacques, The rotisseur prepares the roasted meats and gravies.
Foreman, How do you clean your grill?
Jacques, A la force du poignet.. They say elbow grease.
Foreman, Do you use chemical cleaners?
Jacques," Ah, no. Absolutely no, our chefs don't do the cleaning, anyway."
Foreman, What about pesticides? You must spray for roaches and that sort of thing?
Jacques," Nope, my kitchen is clean. No roaches."
Assistant," Des cafards? O√π? [Roaches? Where?""]"
Jacques," Non, allez au travail! [No, get back to work] I need to get back to work."
Foreman," And the fact that I'm here asking you these questions, it doesn't worry you?"
Jacques," Look at me. I'm here 18 hours a day. That guy practically lives here, he does live here! I use the same detergents for 15 years and Everyone is healthy as a horse. WhatEver Elise has she didn't get here. Tell her I hope she feels better, and I had to get a new rotisseur."
Elise, Where's Ed?
Cameron, He went down to the gift shop to buy a shirt. I told him I'd stay up here in case you woke up.
Elise, You must have better things to do.
Cameron, I send my laundry out.
Elise, You're not married?
Cameron, [curt] No.
Elise, Waiting for the perfect guy?
Cameron, [smiling now] Let me guess. You've already found him.
Elise, He threw my towels out the window.
Cameron, What?
Elise," It's how we met. FreshMan year, he came to a party my roommate and I threw. He spent most of the night on the bathroom floor. He figured I wouldn't notice vomit on the towels if I didn't have any towels."
Cameron, I'm assuming he came back the next day to apologize?
Elise," No way. We had to track him down. Conflict resolution has nEver been one of Ed's strong points. Nobody's perfect, right?"
Cameron, I guess.
Elise, Oh my neck hurts.
Cameron," [adjusts the pillow] You've been in this bed for a really long time. We're gonna do the same test we did last night, ok? Do you know what day it is?"
Elise, [distractedly scratches her arm] My arm itches.
Cameron," Its pRobably just a mild skin irritation, I'll get you some hydrocortisone in a minute. Do you know what day it is?"
Elise, [still scratParkng] Tuesday. It really itches.
Cameron, I'm gonna get you that cream right now.
Elise, Oh my God! Get them off! Someone! Get them off of me!
Cameron," Elise calm down! I need some Haldol, 5 milligrams. There's nothing there, Elise. There's nothing there! [Elise continues to scream]"
Foreman, We had to sedate her.
House, You gave sedatives to a Patient who's already sleeping 18 hours a day?
Foreman, It was better than letting her scratch all the skin off her arms.
House, Where's Wilson?
Wilson, Creepy-crawlies are consistent with paraneoplastic syndrome.
Cameron, Onset immediately after IVIG isn't.
House, There is a simple explanation. Maybe she really has bugs under her skin.
Chase, Infection?
House, That's what the worsening of symptoms after immunotherapy would suggest.
Foreman, Blood cultures and the timeline rule out most bacteria.
House," If a Patient throws up on your shoes do you clean up ""most"" of it?"
Foreman," The symptoms rule out the rest. Serology rules out viruses, CSS smears rule out parasites."
House, In the final stage of African Trypanosomiasis almost all the parasites are inside the brain. It's possible they wouldn't show on smears.
Foreman, But it's not possible for a Patient who's nEver been to Africa to have African Sleeping Sickness.
House, I'm just saying it fits the symptoms.
Wilson, She could have got it from a transfusion.
House, Or I'm just saying she could have got it from a transfusion.
Cameron, Which she nEver had.
House, [glares at her] Okay!
Wilson, What about toxins?
Foreman," No, the kitchen she works in is cleaner than some hospitals. But they do serve rabbit. Rabbit FEver fits her symptoms."
Chase, Tularemia initially presents with a rash or ulcer near the infection site.
Foreman, Not if she inhaled it. Chopping the meat with a cleaver could easily aerosolize the bacteria.
Cameron," No, then she'd have respiratory symptoms."
Foreman," Maybe she ignored it, figured she had a cold."
House," We rejected Lyme Disease because the couple would have noticed a rash, but a wet hacking cough is just going to slip right by?"
Foreman," Hey, it's either that or she missed her exit on the turnpike and wound up in Africa."
House," Two lousy ideas. Unfortunately they're better than all the other ideas. Tularemia. Bizarre. Very nice. That's why I ride you. [goes into his own office, turns on the TV]"
Cameron, Did he just turn on the TV?
Wilson, He needs to think.
Chase, So this should tell us whether or not she's got rabbit fEver?
Cameron," For a diagnosis of Tularemia you need a four-fold increase in serum antibody lEvels. To measure an increase you need a before, all we have is an after."
Chase, A single titer over 160 would be a big clue.
Foreman," ""That's why I ride you.""ù What does that mean? Even when I have a good idea it's because of him?"
Chase, [smirks] Actually I think he said your idea was a lousy idea.
Cameron, It has to be one of these two conditions. I say we take our best guess and just start treatment. Or treat both.
Chase, The treatment for Tularemia can cause aplastic anemia.
Foreman, How come he doesn't ride you guys?
Chase, He's got a crush on you. He just doesn't know how to show it.
Cameron," [smiles] Get over it, he rides Everybody."
Chase, And the treatment for sleeping sickness kills one in ten Patients.
Cameron, So we start with the safer treatment.
Foreman," By ""safer""ù you mean the one that's slightly less likely to kill her?"
House, Foreman got the gang testing for Tularemia?
Wilson, Yep.
House," PRobably inconclusive, but worth doing. So what's her name? When do I get to meet her?"
Wilson, There's nobody. Give it up.
House," Your lips say no, your shoes say yes."
Wilson, Well they're French. You can't trust a word they say.
House," Solid, yet stylish. A professional Woman would be impressed. I'm thinking accountant, actuary, maybe. It's somebody in the hospital. Patient? No, chemo's not sexy. Daughter of the Patient? She would certainly have the neediness you need."
Wilson, I'm not gonna date a Patient's daughter.
House," Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all."
Wilson," There was no date! [House glares] I had lunch with one of the nurses. It's her first time in an oncology unit and she's having a tough time, emotionally."
House, Perfect.
Wilson, I wanted to be nice. That's all. I mean it.
House, You always do. It's part of your charm.
Cuddy," [enters] Hi boys. Mrs. Campbell's test results. [they keep their faces blank] Oh, you remember her, the preschool teacher with the heart of silicon."
House," Nope, doesn't ring a bell."
Cuddy," They came in yesterday, I figured you guys would have been all over them. I know how concerned you are."
House," [to Wilson] She's all upset because we paid more attention to the other girl. You check out her ass, I've got the chest."
Cuddy," The tests were normal. Course that's just my opinion, you may want to call a couple of guys from maintenance in for a consult."
House, [to Wilson] You check her EKG results before she left the other day?
Wilson, You ordered it.
House, You're the responsible one.
Cuddy, What's wrong? They look normal to me.
House, [to Cuddy] Where is she?
Cuddy," Waiting downstairs, why?"
House, I was right.
 Campbell, Do I have to get rid of the implants?
House," Surprisingly, no. But your EKG shows a slightly decreased heart rate."
 Campbell, Is that a pRoblem?
House," You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise, were you lying?"
 Campbell, Lying?
House, Does your husband have high blood pressure?
 Campbell, My husband?
House," Yeah.. see, if you're gonna repeat Everything I say this conversation is gonna take twice as long."
 Campbell," Yes, he was diagnosed six moths ago!"
House, He do a lot of cooking at home?
 Campbell," Not really, other than oatmeal in the morning."
House, Did you happen to notice a slightly odd taste to the oatmeal lately?
 Campbell," Wait, are you saying that--"
House, That it looks like your husband stirred in some of his blood pressure medication along with brown sugar.
 Campbell, You think my husbands trying to poison me?!
House," No, nothing like that. He just doesn't want to have sex with you. [Mrs. Campbell looks stunned] Decreased sex drive is one of the most common side effects of the beta blockers he's been taking. I'm guessing he figured if you're both frigid, no harm no foul. You should have gotten him the sweater."
 Campbell, That's ridiculous.
House," Fine. But if you're still concerned about the shortness of breath, I'd start making your own breakfast. [opens the door to leave]"
 Campbell, Wait! What should I do?
House," Well, if you care about your husband at all, I'd do the responsible thing: buy yourself some condoms, go to a bar, find! [seems to realize something] Huh. [leaves]"
House, Lab tests inconclusive?
Cameron, Not surprisingly.
House," No. Too bad. Luckily, I have the answer. [pause]"
Chase, To what?
House, Thanks for asking. The life itself. Sex. Anything that can be transmitted via the blood can be transmitted through sex.
Foreman, Sleeping sickness from sex?
House, It's not without precedent.
Foreman, I'm pretty sure it is. Unless you're talking about going to Africa and having sex with the tse tse fly.
House, A Portuguese Man was diagnosed three years ago with CNS affected sleeping sickness. His only connection with Africa was through a girlfriend who served under the military in Angola.
Chase," Oi, where'd you find that"
House, The Journal de Instituto de Higiene e Medicina Tropical. You don't read Portuguese?
Cameron, You do?
House, I'm pretty sure that's what it said. Either that or it was an ad for sunglasses.
Cameron, Her husband has nEver been to Africa either.
House," Ooh, stymied again. Your logic is bulletproof."
Cameron, I think ignoring respiratory symptoms is more likely than cheating.
House, Because?
Cameron, They're completely devoted to each other.
House, Because?
Cameron, They love each other.
House, Or?
Chase, They're overcompensating for guilt.
House, [to Cameron] Find out which it is.
Cameron, You want me to ask a Man whose wife is about to die if he cheated on her?
House," No, I want you to be polite and let her die. [Cameron gives him a look] Actually, I don't want you to ask her anything. Foreman take the husband, Chase take the wife."
Cameron, You don't trust me to do my job?
House, We all formulate questions based on the answers we want to hear.
Cameron," And how exactly do you re-formulate ""Have you screwed around?"""
House, Did you know she's been trying to get pregnant?
Cameron, Yes.
House," After you got so freaked about the sick babies a while ago I figured that was your thing. But you've nEver been prescribed folic acid, and you can't lose a baby if you've nEver been pregnant."
Cameron, You pulled my medical records?
House," You coughed the other day, I was concerned."
Cameron, You were curious. Like an eight-year old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown-up for him to figure out. [stalks off]
House," To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to!"
Ed, So! it's either sleeping sickness or this rabbit thing.
Foreman, They're both fatal without treatment. And unfortunately the treatment for both is extremely dangerous.
Ed, Are there tests you can do?
Foreman, Not at this stage. But each condition has a unique history. We're hoping your answers to a few questions will help us.
Ed, Sure. WhatEver you need to know.
Chase," Before the sleeping pRoblems, did you have any trouble breathing, a cough that wouldn't go away, anything like that?"
Elise, No
Chase, Are you certain?
Ed," Absolutely. I've nEver been away from her for more than a night, if she had breathing troubles, I would have noticed."
Foreman, [sighs] The other condition is significantly more likely if! if you've had an affair.
Chase, Have you Ever had an affair?
Elise, Of course not.
Chase, You sure?
Ed, I think I'd remember cheating on my wife.
Foreman, You might be reluctant to admit it--
Ed, No.
Foreman," I just want to be perfectly clear. If your wife has sleeping sickness and we don't treat her, she'll die."
Elise, I would nEver do that to Ed. I love him.
Ed, Absolutely not. I love her
House," Alright then. They say no cheating, we cross off sleeping sickness. Any new ideas? Ok, we go with Foreman's Tularemia. Start her on IV-Chloramphenicol 25 milligrams per kilogram four times a day. Good night. [leaves]"
Elise, Where's Ed?
Cameron," Right next to you. Two down, two to go."
Elise, Two days?
Cameron," No, doses. You have about twenty more days of this fun."
Elise, What time is it?
Cameron, About four a.m. I pulled the short straw. [checks the monitor] Flow rate looks good. No rash or flushing!
Elise, [somewhat incoherent] What time is it?
Cameron, Four a.m. Do you not remember just asking?
Elise, I don't know !!!
Cameron, Elise!? Elise? Elise? Elise! [starts gently shaking Elise]
Ed, What are you doing?
Cameron, [shaking a little harder] Trying to wake her.
Ed, She fall asleep again?
Cameron, In the middle of a sentence.
Nurse, What's happening?
Cameron," Patient's not responding. Pulse is fine, airways open. Check her blood pressure. [shines a light in Elise's eye] Pupils are reactive."
Ed, Elise wake up. You gotta wake up. [Cameron is pinParkng Elise's finger] What does that mean? What are you doing?
Cameron, She's not responsive to pain. Come on Elise!
Ed, Is she dying?
Cameron, I don't know. [looks at the monitor! realizes!] She's in a coma.
House, There's only one way a Tularemia Patient goes into a coma while on IV-Chloramphenicol.
Cameron, The Patient doesn't have Tularemia.
House, And then there was one. Patient comes in because she's sleeping too much. It takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness.
Foreman, And then there was none. We still have the pRoblem of explaining how a white Parkck from Jersey who's nEver traveled south of D.C. has African sleeping sickness.
House," Well, the obvious explanation?"
Foreman," I made it clear. If this guy's lying about sleeping around, he knows he's murdering his wife."
House, Does seem unlikely! Go away. [he enters Elise's room]
House," [lifts Elise's arms, drops them]"
Ed, [Appears out of nowhere] What are you doing?
House, Checking for lymphadenopathy. And waiting for you.
Ed, Who are you?
House, I'm Dr. House. Your wife has huMan African Trypanosomiasis. [Ed looks puzzled] Sleeping sickness.
Ed," You mean its not Tularemia. A virus, tumor or- or cancer."
House, Nope.
Ed, I've nEver had an affair.
House, I beliEve you.
Ed, And I trust Elise.
House, The treatment for this disease is a drug that's! fatal on its own ten percent of the time. [Ed looks rather scared] Which is why I need your written consent before I can legally prescribe it.
Ed, Why would she lie if she knew it could kill her?
House," I don't ask why Patients lie, I just assume they all do."
Ed, But why?
House," To protect you, because she didn't think it mattered. It just seemed easier because! that's what people do. Now, If you're absolutely certain that your wife has nEver had sex with anyone but you since you've been married, then I'm wrong. But if you think there's a possibility that just one time she wasn't perfect! one weekend you're out of town! one fight when she ran to a friend, one stupid Christmas party! then you need to allow me to start treatment. Because if we don't! she's gonna be dead by tomorrow morning. [Ed thinks it over] Do you trust your wife that much?"
Ed, I don't know! [pause]
House, I'll start the treatment.
Foreman, Glass syringes?
Chase, And special IV tubing.
Foreman, Why do we need this stuff?
Chase, Because Melarsoprol melts plastic. This stuff's supposedly arsenic mixed with antifreeze.
Foreman," What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, huh?"
Chase, Nietzsche wouldn't have been so glib if he'd been prescribed Melarsoprol.
Foreman," [reading a warning tag] ""Can cause vomiting, abdominal pain, blood toxicity, neural damage, cardiac arrhythmia!"
Chase, Forgot to say it's gonna hurt like all hell.
Foreman," She's lucky she's in a coma. [Chase injects the Melarsoprol. CGI of cells getting ""frozen""ù]"
Ed, How long before we know its working?
Cameron, It's tough to say. It's a good sign that she hasn't gotten any worse.
Ed, Does she Even know I'm here?
Cameron, She knows you're always there for her.
Ed, Yeah! if she gets better it means she wasn't always there for me.
Cameron, It means she made a mistake.
Ed," I can't help it. Part of me, a big part of me! can't handle that. Doesn't want her to get better."
Cameron, [hesitant] Yes.
Wilson, So we're treating her for African sleeping sickness because you don't think it's possible for someone to be faithful in a relationship?
House, And you do?
Wilson, Yes.
House, And you need to tell me that?
Wilson," Look I'm not having an affair. I had lunch, with someone I work with, at work. Once."
House, I beliEve you. What I don't beliEve is that it'll be just once.
Wilson, I love my wife.
House," You certainly love saying it. [Wilson laughs in a very annoyed way] I'm sorry. I know you love your wife. You loved all your wives. PRobably still do. In fact, you pRobably still love all the women you Ever loved who weren't your wives. [They stop just outside the lab]"
Wilson," You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?"
House, Yeah. And you're the good guy.
Wilson, At least I try.
House," As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatEver you want."
Wilson," And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatEver you want."
House," So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!"
House," Mixing up some margaritas? Mines a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese, you know."
Cameron," [quietly, with a hint of tears] Spanish."
House, Uh-oh. What's going on?
Cameron, I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
House," Turn around. [She does, she looks very sad indeed.] It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too."
Cameron, I'm not crying.
House, Ok. [long pause]
Cameron, I told the husband he was a jerk.
House, Why?
Cameron," [hesitates] When I was in college, I! I fell in love, and I got married. And!"
House, At that age the chances of a marriage lasting--
Cameron," It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and! I watched my husband die."
House," I'm sorry... But that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him. And you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted."
Cameron, Why?
House, Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Cameron, Or hating people.
Chase, FEver spiked at 104. Echo shows global hyperkinesis.
House, Blood pressure?
Chase, Barely 90 over 40.
House, You give her dopamine?
Chase," Started 270 micrograms per minute ten minutes ago, still no change."
Chase, Killing her parasites isn't gonna do much good if we kill her heart at the same time.
Cameron," A heart can be replaced, a brain can't."
Chase," Right now were killing both. [To House] If she's gonna die, we should at least let her do it without that acid flowing through her veins."
Ed, [enters behind them] What's happening?
House," We would have expected your wife's condition to show some improvement by now, but it hasn't. It's going the other way."
Ed, [takes Elise's hand] Please don't die! [stifles a sob] please don't die! [long pause]
Ed, She's awake!
Foreman, Hey. She's gonna be ok.
Cameron," Yeah, sure. [Ed leaves the room! with his suitcase. Elise starts to cry. Cameron catches up to Ed] What are you gonna do? Were you always honest with her? Do you know how lucky you are? Your wife is alive, she loves you!"
Ed, What she did! you can't love a person and do that to them.
Cameron, She LOVES you.
House, I need to know who you had the affair with. He has to be notified so he can get treatment as well. [pause] Why did you lie to us? You knew your life was at stake.
Elise," He's not coming back, is he?"
House," We all make mistakes, and we all pay a price. [pause, Elise sniffles] I need that name."
Cameron, Hi! how you doing?
Little Boy, Fine.
Cameron, Do you know where your dad is?
Friend, Can I help you?
Teacher," You, give me that"
Matt, [calls for teacher]
Teacher," Quiet. [turns to girl] Your phone, young lady."
Girl, I was switParkng it to silent in case someone called.
Teacher, No. You were cheating.
Girl, Please. Like I need to cheat.
Matt, Lady!
Teacher," I said, wait. [To girl] Give it here"
Girl," Sure. [hands it over, says in a loud whisper] Looove the blouse!"
Matt, I need to use the bunkroom.
Teacher, The bathroom? Sure. In 19 minutes.
Matt, Can't do it!
Teacher, You got a friend in the bathroom with answers?
Matt, [looks really sick]
Teacher, Fine. I'll get you an escort. [Matt stands up]
s hallucination of his Teacher, Don't get up till I kill you!
Real Teacher, Don't stand up.
Girl, Hey! he's really sick.
Matt, [passes out]
Teacher, [to class] Eyes on your work. [Girl kneels to help unconscious Matt] What is going on?
Girl, Get some help. [To Matt] Are you all right?
Teacher, [Finally has enough sense to grab the phone and call 911]
Foreman, The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
House, That's the way calculus presents.
Foreman, SEvere bradycardia. Heart rates down to 48 and falling fast
House, You know the kid?
Foreman, No.
House, Mom real good looking?
Foreman, I didn't notice.
House," Then it's a mystery. Not why he's sick, but why you care so much. The gift shop's open, buy him a card."
Foreman, He's not responding to atropine.
House, Boys love fart jokes. Find him one with a good fart joke. [Pops a Vicodin] He's a teenager. It's drugs. Tell those ER geniuses to give him charcoal and naloxone so you'll stop following me.
Foreman, His tox screen was negative. He's still whacked out
House," You don't care about the kid. You just find his illness ""intriguing""ù."
Foreman," His CAT scan was clean. There's no sign of infection, and it's not diabetes."
House, And you don't care about him.
Foreman, That's what you wanna hear. Not in the slightest
House, Me neither. [about the notes] Means we'll be objective
Cameron, Maybe its shigellosis.
House, Wouldn't account for the bradycardia.
Chase, Viral myocarditis?
House," Wouldn't account for the whacked out. So, what's the differential for the negative tox screen?"
Foreman, He was clean.
Cameron, Unless someone screwed up the test.
House, That nEver happens.
Chase," Or he OD'd on something we didn't test for. 1,4-butenediol would give you these symptoms."
Foreman, That's new.
House," Copy maParkne toner. Same punch as GHB. A little pricier, way more dangerous. On the other hand, it is legal. [To Foreman] I want you to go to his House and find his stash. Betcha know all the good hiding spots."
Foreman," Actually, I nEver did drugs. [Leaves]"
House," [to Cameron] Better go with him, in case he gets high. [to Chase] How much atropine is the kid getting?"
Chase, 1 milligram
House, Make it 2. In case he needs his heart later on.
Chase," Matt, did you take any drugs this morning?"
Matt, [muttering incoherently] Pencils down!
Chase, [sticks his fingers in Matt's hands] Can you squeeze my fingers for me? [Matt doesn't move] Did anyone give you anything to help with the math test? Matt?
Mom," I told you, he doesn't take drugs."
Chase," Ms. Davis, all parents think that about their Parkldren. And they're usually wrong. I gave my mum a little trouble when I was his age. I turned out ok, Even she thought so."
Mom, I know my kid. The fact that you did drugs doesn't mean he did.
Chase, Did he go anywhere last night?
Mom," No, he was home studying."
Chase, Any friends come over to help him?
Mom, And bring him drugs? Is that what your friends did?
Chase, Ms. Davis!
Mom," Look. I tested him myself. The home kit. I took some hair off his brush! I didn't want him to know about it, because I do trust him."
Chase, Then why did you test him?
Mom," All he did last night was study and argue about his college interviews. He wants to be himself. No haircut, ratty old clothes, that'll go over big. Then we both gave up and went to bed. That's it."
Chase," Has he Ever had any pRoblems like this before? Any family history of! [MaParkne beeps. To the nurse] Diazepam, 10 milliliters, stat. [He rolls Matt onto his side]"
Mom, What's going on?
Chase," Just some precautions. [Matt starts seizing. Chase grabs him around the shoulder] He's seizing. [Nurses rush in, Mom worries; Chase mutters a bunch of stuff from which I only caught ""Calm him down""ù]"
Cameron, This room is way too clean for a teenage boy.
Foreman, You know why House thinks I'm a druggie?
Cameron," This is gonna be a racial thing, isn't it?"
Foreman," Same reason he thinks this kid overdosed. When you're a drug addict, you want to think Everyone else is, too."
Cameron," He's not addicted, he has to take drugs."
Foreman, The definition of addict.
Cameron, He's in pain--
Foreman, And addicted to painkillers. What a coincidence.
Cameron, You really nEver did any drugs?
Foreman, Now this is gonna be a racial thing.
Cameron," Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does that?"
Foreman," Yeah, I'm just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part."
Cameron, Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You've already got the matParkng gym shoes. [Foreman looks at his shoes. Cameron finds a jar in a cabinet] Check this out! Mom's not too careful with the homemade tomato sauce. When the top sticks out like that it's a sign of bacterial contamination.
Foreman, [opens the fridge to find another jar] This one's open.
House," I am extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs and you come back with tomato sauce. [To Foreman about his shoes] Betcha paid twice as much, I got mine online."
Foreman, Matt decided to make himself a homemade pizza for a bedtime snack.
Cameron," Source of botulism, as well as a million other toxins that cause gastroenteritis, cardiac symptoms, and mental confusion."
House, I'm not sure about gastroenteritis but mental confusion? Bring it on! [Eats some of the sauce]
Cameron, [makes a noise of disbelief]
House, [Pulls a face] Delicious.
Cameron, Do you have a death wish?
House, .I notice he didn't try to save me
Foreman, I figured you were trying to make some kind of subtle point.
House, I was. Kid just started seizing. Not a symptom of food-born toxins.
Foreman, Also not a symptom of drug use either. Not two hours after admission
House, So what would make him seize! in addition to all his other delightful symptoms.
Cameron, Pesticide poisoning.
Foreman, Carbonates?
House, Or organophosphates. Organochlorines.
Cameron, Inhalation or absorption?
Foreman, Too soon to tell.
Cameron, We should wash him down. The poison could still be on his skin.
House, Already told the nurses.
Georgia, I feel! good.
House, That's your complaint? You major symptom?
Mark, I told her this was a waste of time.
Georgia," I notice colors more. And music. I- I'm really hearing music. I'm eighty-two, and I'm supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but! now when I see a guy with a cute butt! I just cant stop looking at him. Or a sexy beard."
House, And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?
Georgia," It all started a month ago, when Mark rented ""Gone with the Wind""ù for me. But it had the wrong DVD in it."
Mark," Oh, right I forgot this is all my fault-"
Georgia," Of course, he was too busy to bring it back-"
Mark," Yeah, like I don't have a life-"
Georgia," So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time."
House, Aha.
Georgia, You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
House, People are always mixing us up.
Georgia, [begins unbuttoning her shirt] I suppose you'll need to check my heart?
House, No! No! that won't be necessary.
Mark, I told you!
House, But I am going to admit you to the hospital for tests.
Mark, What tests? She's just old!
House," And you're just insufferable. Your mother has had a sudden personality change, she should be checked out. I'll have a nurse come to admit her. I'm too handsome to do paperwork."
Mom, He's been on this medication for over an hour.
Chase, Pralidoxime is very effective; it just takes a little time for it to kick in.
Mom, Maybe you're wrong; maybe it's not a pesticide.
Chase, The blood work was pretty conclusive. It's an organophosphate.
Mom," Oh, my God!"
Chase," [hurries to the other side of the bed] Get back. Ms. Davis, move back, please. [to the nurse] We're at 30, ready cardiac arrest. Get me the pads."
Mom, What are you doing?
Chase, We're going to beat his heart for him. [he places the pads on Matt's chest. To nurse] Set it to sixty.
Mom, I can't stand this anymore!
Chase, We'll keep him on the pads for another hour.
Mom, Then what?
Chase, Let's see what happens.
Mom," Well, that's not my philosophy. Especially when it comes to my son. And if something bad might happen, I'd like to know what our options are."
Chase," The pralidoxime isn't doing him any good, we're going to have to wire his heart."
Cameron, Maybe we're wrong about the pesticides.
Foreman, I ran his plasma twice.
Cameron, Are there any stronger treatments for the organophosphates?
House," Oh, damnit you caught me. Went with the weak stuff, just trying to save a little money."
Foreman," Actually, one of my professors at Columbia dEveloped an experimental treatment for the army."
Cameron, What's the success rate?
Foreman, They're targeting. There's a different hydrolase treatment for each poison. We need to know if
Chase, What's the success rate?
House," Excellent, I'm sure. It's the US army, ""be all you can be""ù. The point is, what are the kid's chances without it?"
Chase, Minimal at best. The poison's broken the blood-brain barrier.
House," I assume ""minimal at best""ù is your stiff upper lip British way of saying ""no chance in hell""ù?"
Chase, I'm Australian.
House, You put the Queen on your money. You're British. - [To Foreman] Call your professor.
Chase, If we don't know what poison we're dealing with we don't know which hydrolase to ask for. There's over forty organophosphates-
House and Foreman together, I'll get all of them. [awkward pause]
Cameron, Great minds think alike.
House, By the time they get here we better know which one we need.
Foreman, If we figure out how he got exposed we'll figure out what he got exposed to.
House," Well, the mom had homemade tomato sauce. Call me crazy, but I'm thinking maybe! homemade tomatoes?"
Foreman, Front yard vegetable garden.
House," Kid's out there spraying, pretty girl walks by! hormones raging! spray can goes off in his face..."
Cameron, I'll check into it. [Leaves]
Foreman, I'll make the call. [Leaves]
Chase, I'll keep the kid alive! For a while at least. [Leaves]
House, I'll have lunch.
Chase, Through the superior vena cava! into the right atrium! through the tricuspid valve! and lodging into the wall of the right ventricle.
Nurse, Getting a heart rate of thirty six.
Chase, That won't do. Get him to fifty.
Wilson," ""The healer with his magic powers! I could rub his gentle brow for hours! His Manly chest, his stubble jaw, Everything about him leaves me raw-""ù"
House, Psych ward's upstairs.
Wilson," ""-with joy. Oh House, your very name! will nEver leave this girl the same.""ù Not bad for an eighty-two year old. She asked me to give that to her true love."
House," What can I say, Parkcks with no teeth turn me on."
Wilson, That's! fairly disgusting.
House, And that's ageism.
Wilson, You better watch yourself around this babe. Here are the test results.
House, Impressive. [phone rings]
Cameron, I found the pesticide. It's disulfoton. And it's empty. He used the whole can.
House," Okay, I'll get Chase on it."
Chase, The poison is called disulfoton. This should bond with it and neutralize the poison. Then his nervous system will start sending the right messages to the rest of his body.
Mom, But there was no disul! that stuff in the can.
Chase, The label says disulfoton; I can show you.
Mom, But you didn't test it.
Chase, You said Matt sprayed with it this morning before school.
Mom, Matt started that garden himself for environmental science class. They weren't allowed to use pesticides.
Chase, Apparently he cheated a little.
Mom," It was orange peel oil, totally organic. He dumped that other stuff last winter."
Chase, The symptoms fit. There must have been some left in the can.
Mom," If you're wrong, what will this treatment do to him?"
Chase," Well, theoretically it could increase the toxicity and-- But we're not wrong. [about to inject the medicine into the IV]"
Mom, Don't. [grabs Chase's arm]
Chase, We're not wrong.
Mom, I can't let you do this.
House, Get a court order. Unless you want to see someone killed by sheer irrationality.
Cuddy, Maternal instinct is always irrational. That doesn't mean it's wrong.
House, Actually! that's the definition.
Cuddy, It doesn't mean she's mentally incompetent
House, She's risking her son's life based on a teenager's claim that he washed something. How mentally incompetent can you get?
Cuddy, That's a brilliant legal argument.
House," Listen, have your Harvard law dog whip up some high-grade, legal-sounding psycho babble. ""Temporary insanity brought on by acute panic distress syndrome,""ù I don't care. We have to give him the hydrolase."
Cuddy, Her only sign of mental illness is that she disagrees with you. Some would consider that a sign of sanity.
House," Not the kid, let's ask him. Oh, I forgot we can't. He's dying."
Cuddy, Get the mother to sign off that she's refusing this treatment.
House," [to nurse] Goodbye. [To Ms. Davis from the paper] ""I, Margo Davis have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I here by release-""ù"
Mom, Who are you?
House," I work for hospital. """"ìthe Princeton Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital's fault if my son kicks off.""ù"
Mom," ""Kicks off""ù?"
House," I punched up the language; mostly for clarification. ""I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic-""ù"
Mom, Why are you doing this?
House," ""-but I am convinced that I know more than they do. I took a biology course in high school, so! yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling Every single aspect of my son's life, Even if it means his death.""ù Sign here please. I brought a pen."
Mom, Who are you?
House, I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing.
House, She rethought her position. Start him on the hydrolase.
Cameron, No. we've got a pRoblem
Chase," On three. One, two, three... [they move the boy]"
Foreman, Heart rates 49! O2 stat.
Chase," [puts the stethoscope around his neck] Saline, atropine, and diazepam, now."
Cameron, His names Park Ling. He was admitted twelve minutes ago. Identical symptoms as Matt. Chase isn't sure he's gonna make it.
House," Matt's next-door neighbor, by any chance?"
Cameron, They live 10 miles apart. Apparently they don't Even know each other.
s Dad," We live in an apartment. We have two bamboo trees, no pesticides. Just dried seaweed for fertilizer."
Chase," The second kid's heart is almost as weak as Matt's; were gonna have to get him wired up, too. And I don't know how long Matt's brain's gonna hold up; his hearts not pumping enough oxygen."
House, How much are you giving him?
Chase, Eighty percent.
House, Make it ninety.
Chase, We're risking damage to his retina.
House," What the heck? Do it anyway. He's a calculus student, he pRobably likes having a brain! I'll have Foreman do it."
Chase, I'm the primary.
House," Yeah, but the mom wants to get rid of you. And you know me, I'm a people-pleasing kind of guy."
Chase, She complained? About me?
House, She went to the principal. Told Cuddy you did drugs in high school. This is gonna go on your perManent record.
Chase, I was trying to get information; it was a strategy.
House," She also used the word ""slacker""ù. Want to come in, smoke a little weed, watch some MTV? [Enters office. Chase isn't far behind. Cameron is waiting for them]"
Cameron, High school has no idea what could have happened.
House, You sure Park didn't sneak out of Matt's tomato patch? Maybe they sniffed disulfoton together to get high.
Cameron," Same school, different grades, different cliques, different Everything."
House, They Managed to get poisoned together; they must have something in common.
Cameron, Their classes aren't in the same building. They don't Even eat lunch in the same lunchroom.
House, How do they get to school?
Bus Driver," Unless you're with the board, the police, or the union, I don't care who you are."
Cameron," Sir, we need to test the bus for chemical residue."
Bus Driver," And I need to pick up the basketball team. You got a pRoblem with it, call my supervisor."
Chase," [Raps sharply on said door, shouts through the glass] Two kids were poisoned on your bus this morning. They're dying. [Idiot bus driver opens the door]"
Mom, My God! the things he said.
Foreman, Dr. House wanted your son to get the medicine he needed. He was willing to do whatEver it took to make that happen.
Mom, The wrong kind of medicine.
Foreman, He didn't know that. At the time it was our only choice.
Mom, He would have known if he'd listened to me.
Foreman," He listened. He just assumed you were wrong. And to be honest, that's true of most of our Patients."
Mom, You're just as pompous and superior as he is!
Bus Driver," Matt is back row right, the Asian kid second or third row left. [To Cameron] Look, I've got this rash in kind of my groin region!"
Cameron, It's not a symptom.
Chase, Neither is being obnoxious. Looks like you're in the clear. [Gets on the bus to start testing]
Bus Driver, So who poisoned them?
Cameron, We're not sure yet if it was done on purpose!
Bus Driver," Oh yeah? You should see the little bastards, screaming and punParkng each other all day long!"
Cameron, Did you happen to notice if anyone was doing any spraying near the bus route?
Bus Driver," [shakes head for a moment, realizes] Oh yeah. There was a truck down by the pond or something earlier! smelled kinda funny too."
Georgia, Oh! Dr. House!
Mark," Well, it took you long enough. We've been waiting!"
House, Could you step outside a minute?
Mark, Why?
House, Because you irritate me.
Georgia," He is my son, doctor. He's just a little cranky from not eating."
House," Fine. Mrs. Adams, have you had any recent sexual activity?"
Mark, What?!
Georgia, Well! I don't suppose fantasies count!
Mark," Oh, my God!"
Georgia," Unfortunately, I've hit kind of a dry spell. Only for the last, oh, I don't know, 15 years."
Mark," She's confused. My father died 8 years ago, heart attack."
Georgia," Not in bed, dear. [To House] Why do you ask?"
House, Because you have tested positive for syphilis.
Mark, That's impossible. And insulting!
House, I don't think it's the first time Mom's heard this diagnosis.
Georgia," Cupid's disease, that what we used to call it."
House, When did you get it?
Georgia," Uh! 1939. Prom night, I think. He had a Chevrolet. It was before I met your father."
Mark, But! Mom! You said dad was your first love.
Georgia, He was. We're talking about sex. [to House] I was treated.
House," Which suppressed it. In your case, for 60 years. But now it's back, and the spirochetes that cause syphilis are eating away at your brain cells."
Georgia, Oh! That's revolting.
House," It's not as revolting as ChlAmydia; that's got seepage. And it's the 21st century. We've got flying cars, talking dogs, and penicillin. High-dose regimen for two weeks, you're cured."
Mark, I don't beliEve it.
House," Yeah, well, pinch yourself."
Georgia, I guess for the next two weeks I'd better practice safe sex.
House, You'll be fine. Just feed that cranky kid.
Cameron, The county's worried about West Nile so they sprayed ethyl parathion right next to the bus route.
House, Do you have the hydrolase for ethyl parathion?
Foreman," Yep. Only one pRoblem. Matt's mom faxed his record to the CDC, and she refuses to let us do anything till she hears back from them."
House, You're getting good at this God-like doctor thing. Why don't you talk her out of it?
Foreman, She's! not a big fan of mine.
Chase, Or mine.
House, Only one Man left in the bullpen and he throws like a girl.
Cameron, I hate sports metaphors.
House, Give her the high hard one.
Cameron, We really think the hydrolase is the only-
Mom, I'm thinking about transferring Matt out of here.
Cameron," Ms. Davis, your son is very sick. He won't survive a transfer."
Mom, I'm getting a second opinion from the Center for Disease Control.
Cameron, Right! Look when my grandmother got sick-
Mom," What, you're gonna tell me some tough decision you had to make?"
Cameron, I know how hard this is for you.
Mom," Maybe embroider the story a little, make it fit."
Cameron, I can't imagine being in your position.
Mom," Honesty. A kind of vulnerable honesty, that's your thing. And the looks. They send a single Woman to hustle the single mother. [starts to leave]"
Cameron," Actually, they sent a doctor. To tell you that if your son doesn't get his treatment, there's a good chance he'll die."
Mom, That's what House said about a treatment that would have killed Matt. You gotta do better than that.
Cameron," No. It's on you. You gotta do better. Right now, yes or no?"
Mom, I don't know!
Cameron, Figure it out. [walks out]
Mom, Wait!
Mom, Help!
Chase, Seizing. Suction!
s Dad, My son! [Foreman goes to Park's room. Cameron follows Chase]
Foreman, Diazepam.
Chase, 10 milligrams.
Foreman, Not responding. Another 10.
Mom, You're killing him!
Cameron, Get her outta here. Get her outta here!
Foreman," Their hearts are barely pumping. Their lungs are shot, now they're showing liver toxicity."
House, I guess Matt's mom won't nominate us for any Doctor of the Year awards.
Foreman, Only explanation is they got poisoned by something other than ethyl parathion. Then the hydrolase would release the neurotoxins instead of bonding with them. [They enter the office]
Cameron, The only thing they have in common is the bus.
House," Except their symptoms. Given their sEverity, in fact their cardiac symptoms are getting worse much faster than all their other ones, what does that tell us?"
Foreman, Poison was pRobably absorbed through the skin.
House, They were admitted at 8:45 and 11:00. When were they poisoned?
Foreman, Absorption through the skin? Anywhere from 3 to 8 hours.
Cameron," In a case that bad, more like 1 1/2 to 4."
House," So, Matt was poisoned before 7:15. Before he got on the bus."
Cameron, You think each kid got poisoned in his own House? Two separate exposures?
House, What do teenage boys do in the morning? Besides the obvious?
Foreman," Wake up! go to the bathroom, and! the obvious. Then check their zits in the mirror."
House, Do they use the same acne cream?
Cameron," Because acne cream contains lanolin, which could have pesticides, and you're thinking they both bought the same product which-"
House, Could be contaminated. Shaving cream?
Foreman, Park doesn't look like he shaves.
House, He sweats.
Cameron, Deodorant could contain lanolin.
House, These people have pets?
Foreman," Park has a dog, Matt has a cat."
Cameron," Fleas, flea powder."
House," Ok. Go to their Houses, check for anything that could have touched their skin between the time they got up and the time they got on the bus. And I'm running low on tomato sauce."
Georgia, Dr. House!
House, I sent you home.
Georgia, I came back. I took a cab so my son wouldn't try to chaperone us this time.
House," I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way."
Georgia," Look, Dr. House, these feelings that's I've been having. Is it all because of the syphilis?"
House, Yes.
Georgia," Then here's the prescription you gave me. [House looks puzzled] Well, it's not like I'm going to infect anyone."
House," No, but it'll kill you."
Georgia," Well, you gotta go sometime. And I really don't want to play canasta for the rest of my life. I! I like feeling sexy again. And making a fool out of myself with handsome young doctors."
House, Do you think I would have given you this if it would stop you from flirting with me?
Georgia, But if I'm cured?
House, The spirochetes will die off. But the little pieces of your cerebral cortex that have been destroyed won't grow back. You're brain damaged. Doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life.
Georgia, Oh! Oh! thank you! [Leans to kiss him]
House, Georgia!
Georgia," When I stop being contagious, I'll come back for a checkup. [Mega-wink]"
House, Yeah!
Foreman, Matt uses Sure.
Cameron, Park uses Old Spice.
ForMan, No zit cream.
Cameron, Lucky kid. Floral air freshener.
Foreman, Doesn't mater. When's the last time you heard of a teenage boy using air freshener? Pert shampoo.
Cameron, Johnson's over here. Matt's mom would make him use air freshener.
Foreman," There are limits to a mother's power, Even hers."
Cameron, Just check.
Foreman, Negative on the floral.
Chase, Matt's ALTs are up to 800. If they get any higher we can toss his liver.
House, [cell phone goes off] Yeah?
Cameron," No matches on flea powder, underarm deodorant!"
Foreman, Or any other kind of deodorant.
House, What about shampoo?
Foreman," No to shampoo bar soap, dish soap, dish detergent!"
House, What about laundry detergent? Maybe they both washed their clothes this morning?
Cameron, I'll check
Foreman," If we cure Matt, he can use his close brush with death on his college essays. Admission guys love that stuff."
House," That's how you got in, right? Jail House diaries?"
Cameron, [finds detergent] TKO.
Foreman, TKO. Liquid?
Cameron," Liquid, 128 ounces."
Foreman, 128. Yellow jug. Special-
Cameron, -environmentally safe formula. It's the same!
House, Bring in the detergent. [hangs up]
Chase, So the detergent was contaminated with pesticides?
House," Soaked into their clothes and got absorbed into their skin! [they enter Park's room. His parents are there] Hi, look, the clothes your son wore today. He washed them this morning, right?"
s Dad, What?
House, Nice respectful Asian kid does the laundry.
s Dad, My wife said he didn't.
House," Then I'm guessing he washed them last night, without you knowing."
s Mom," Please. He doesn't Even know how to turn on the maParkne. And besides, those clothes were new. Nobody washed them."
Chase, His clothes are all new?
s Mom," The ones he wore today, yes. NEver washed."
Chase, Now what?
House, What about Matt's clothes? They new?
Chase," They're ruddy old jeans, I think. They've been bagged up and taken downstairs."
House," ""Davis.""ù"
Chase, Yep they're Matt's. And they're old
House," And yet the label isn't faded in the slightest. Fake old. 100 dollars for the homeless look. What, kids aren't pretentious in England?"
Chase," Park's are a different brand, how could they both be contaminated?"
House, That is a question for the ages. In the meantime get these tests in.
Wilson, I nEver bother to wash new clothes before I wear them.
House," Right, your wife does. She wants you to feel nice and comfortable."
Wilson," Hey! I'm a Man. I don't have time for laundry, I'm saving lives here. No, she doesn't wash them either."
House," So your skin absorbs a little dye, the odd chemical here and there!"
Wilson," Well, you know me. Always living on the edge. [Enter Foreman and Chase]"
House," Judging by the self importance of your strut, you have identified the chemical in question."
Foreman, Phosmet.
House, Hit him with the hydrolase.
Foreman, Park's parents said yes but-
House, Mighty mom said no. She's gonna feel like million bucks when Park lives and her son dies. Send Cameron. She's the only one who's Managed to talk her into anything.
Chase, Not this time. Matt's mom won't do anything until she gets that opinion from the CDC.
Wilson, Godot would be faster!
Mom, What is this?!
House," Thought I'd hang out in case you change your mind! and I can give Matt the medicine right away. Don't worry, I've got time."
Mom, The CDC promised they'd call.
House," They will. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after. Takes time to review faxed records. Then they'll pRobably tell you they can't make a decision based on faxed records. [points to the TV] This is Suzy. She's nEver gonna marry him! no money."
Mom, What makes you think you're right this time?
House," Same reason as last time. You wanna see how the other kid does first, that's ok. Might help you. But there's a real good chance that-"
Mom," What? Matt might ""kick off""ù?"
House," A little blunt! I was gonna say ""run out of time,""ù or just sort of let my voice trail off! [Mom's cell goes off]"
Mom," Hello? ! Yes this is Margo Davis. ! But you have his records; I sent them. ! Yes, I understand. [hangs up] They can't help me."
House, They haven't seen him. Can't make a decision based on-
Mom, Give it to him!
Chase," [hands House a cell phone. In a fake Southern accent-] The CDC is unable to give an opinion at this time, and! we're gonna have a doctor in your area next week."
House, You fooled her with that?
Wilson, House!
Matt, So I'm gonna be cured?
Cameron, As long as you don't wear any more poisoned pants.
Matt," I'm sorry, Mom. I knew the pants were stolen! they were only five bucks. You're gonna give me hell, aren't you?"
Mom," Oh, Honey I'm just glad you're alive. Let's get you home so you can rest. Maybe I am too hard on you. You don't have to make up that test till next week. You can stay in bed and work on your applications."
Foreman," Some guy was selling pants off the back of his truck near the school. When he wasn't busy as a clothing entrepreneur, he did daily at the cornfield over by route one. Used the same truck for both jobs."
House," Spilled pesticides on the pants, didn't bother to clean up. So, why are you still here? Why aren't you out there making up with the joyful mother?"
Foreman, Why would I do that?
House," No reason at all, you don't care about her or her son."
Mom," Oh, Dr. House. The CDC called. Again."
House, Oops.
Matt, Who are they?
Mom," Oh, they're the arrogant jerks that saved your life."
Brandy, This is a really nice room!
Tommy," Yeah, it sounds thick. Too bad he's not coming."
Brandy," Look, I talked to him myself. He'll be here."
Tommy, Right.
Brandy," You're the one who said the song could use a horn part, so I got the best. John Henry!"
Tommy, You think I'm stupid?
Brandy," Of course I do, but that's not the point. [She starts to play the piano.] He'll be here, okay? [Guitar Guy nods doubtfully.]"
John, [to driver] Take a left up ahead.
Cora, South Street? I cancelled this gig. You said you didn't want to do any sessions for a while.
John, For a while. I called her; I un-cancelled it.
Cora, But you up to it?
John, Let's find out.
Tommy," [playing on his guitar and singing] You lied to me, John Henry's nEver gonna show up!"
Brandy, Will you stop?
Tommy," [stops playing] It's been, like, two hours."
Brandy," And we will keep waiting. I mean, you've heard this guy play and you know what he does, so can you just shut up, Tommy? [The door opens. Cora, John Henry and the driver enters. We see that John is in a wheelchair.]"
Brandy," Oh, my God!"
John, Am I late? [Brandy laughs.]
Brandy, You need to hear it again?
John," Nope, I get it. Let's try one. See what we get. Let's do it. [Brandy starts up the music again. John starts to play the trumpet on his cue. After a few beats he starts to look uncomfortable, and then starts coughing. He drops his trumpet, and Cora rushes to him.]"
Cora, John! You okay? You okay? [She loosens his tie.]
John," I can't breathe, I can't breathe. [coughing]"
Cora," Call an ambulance! Now! [Someone in the recording booth does so, as John stops moving.]"
House, I want in.
Cuddy," John Henry Giles, you a fan of his music?"
House," He's a musician? That paralysis thing, guy can't walk for two years and nobody knows why, that seems mildly interesting."
Cuddy, Forget his paralysis.
House, Tell that to the rest of his bowling team.
Cuddy," As far as this hospital is concerned, this is a simple case of lobar pneumonia. Boring."
House," But that ""not walking""ù thing, that could turn into something serious!"
Cuddy, Marty Hamilton is his primary physician out in California. He's dealing with the paralysis.
House," Know all about it. Multiple treatments, multiple surgeries. Making real progress. Fixed Everything but the legs."
Cuddy," Dr. Hamilton already called and asked for your team. And by team, I don't mean you."
House," Like I always say, there's no ""I""ù in ""team""ù. There is a ""me""ù, though, if you jumble it up. [They leave her office.]"
Cuddy, Foreman did his residency with Hamilton.
House, I know. I did accidentally glance at his resume before I hired him.
Cuddy, He wants someone he can trust.
House, He must have spoken to Foreman's parole Officer.
Cuddy, Someone who will stick to the pneumonia. John Henry's on an experimental protocol for the paralysis.
House, I respect that. I'm not going to get in his way.
Cuddy, It's Foreman's case. [She walks away.]
House," It's pneumonia, he can handle it. Guy's already paralyzed, how badly can he screw it up?"
Foreman," So, what are his stats?"
Chase, Staying in the 90s on the nasal canula.
Foreman, Coughing up much sputa?
Cameron," Almost none, he seems to be stabilized."
Foreman," Dr. House, is there anything back from Micro?"
House, Not yet. You gonna fire me?
Foreman, You can make up for it by washing my car.
House," Oh, this is fun. [Chase smiles.]"
Foreman," Let's keep him on the broad-spectrum antibiotics, and since he's displaying septic physiology, draw blood for adrenal and thyroid function. [Cameron and Chase stand up, but House's feet resting on the table block their path.]"
House, How about the paralysis?
Foreman, We're sticking to the pneumonia.
House," Well, you certainly are, boss. Like a wet tongue sticks to dry ice. [Chase and Cameron sit.]"
Foreman, The paralysis has already been diagnosed by Dr. Hamilton. It's ALS.
House," Lou Gehrig's disease. It's a lovely diagnosis. They make movies about it. No tests, no treatment. It's a disease of exclusion ""ì"
Foreman, -- because Hamilton has excluded Everything else.
House, I haven't. [He gets up and takes the board marker from Foreman.] What else could it be?
Chase," Guillain-Barre, which would be rEversible."
House," Excellent. [He starts to write, but Foreman takes the marker away from him.]"
Foreman," No, the progression of the paralysis would be symmetric. This wasn't."
Cameron, Transverse myelitis.
Foreman," Hamilton tested for it. Negative. And he was negative for masses, and AVM, and ""ì"
Chase, Antibodies could be attacking the nerve. Multifocal motor neuropathy.
House," Uncommon, but it fits. It's also treatable. Did Hamilton try putting the guy on IVIG?"
Foreman," No, because the MRI showed ""ì"
House," Well, let's do an MRI of our own. [Chase and Cameron get up.]"
Foreman, Guys? It's my case. [They sit down again.] ALS fits. It Even predicts the pneumonia. The paralysis is progressive.
House, It's a death sentence.
Foreman, That doesn't make it wrong.
John," So, you think the breathing stuff is connected to my ALS?"
Foreman, It makes sense.
John," So, it's just gonna get worse, huh?"
Foreman," Well, Dr. Hamilton ""ì"
John," Great guy. Really smart doctor, but his treatment obviously isn't working. Do you think I'm gonna die here, or you think I'm gonna get to go back home first?"
Foreman," An MRI would give us a better idea ""ì"
John, An MRI? Come on. For pneumonia?
Foreman," Well, Dr. House thinks we should test for ""ì"
John," House? Yeah, I heard about him. Obsessive son-of-a-bitch?"
Foreman, [chuckling] That's him.
John," So, who do you think is right? Hamilton or House?"
Foreman, They're both excellent physicians.
John," Come on. One of 'em says ALS, the other one says not ALS! you gotta pick one, son."
Foreman, [sighs] Everything points to ALS.
John," Then no MRI. And I want one of them papers that say I, I don't want nothin' done if something go bad."
Foreman," A DNR? Mr. Giles, you don't want to rush things ""ì"
John," It's been two years, I ain't rushing. I wanna sign one. Now, while my arm still works."
Foreman, He signed a DNR.
House, [takes headphones off] He rhymes with dinner?
Foreman, He signed a DNR.
House, Oh. That makes more sense. You tell him it might not be ALS?
Foreman, No.
House," Well, no wonder he signed. Who wouldn't?"
Foreman, I started him on IV steroids and ancinthroid. (sp?)
House," Great. If it was my case, I'd be adding a little IVIG to the mix."
Foreman, For his pneumonia?
House, That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Foreman, He doesn't want anything done. No treatment.
House," DNR means ""do not resuscitate""ù, not ""do not treat""ù. You do nothing, it doesn't matter which one of us is right. [He puts his headphones back on.] And hang on to that DNR. That signature could be worth a lot of money real soon. [Foreman leaves.]"
Foreman," This is Dr. Foreman. What's Mr. Giles's status? Okay, increase the steroids to 100mg Every 12 hours, and, ah, start him on IVIG. Yeah, I'm sure. One gram per kilo."
Willie," My nature isn't what it used to be. The little Man has lost some bounce in his step. [House looks like he's trying to looks sympathetic.] He needs to crank it up, have himself some fun this weekend. [confidentially] He wants the blue pills."
House, You're talking about your penis in the third person.
Willie," Me and him, two people."
House," Separate vacations? That'd be a drag for one of you. I don't think you need the pills. I think you have a conflict of medications. You need to up your insulin to ""chocolate Parkp ice cream""ù lEvels."
Willie, Insulin?
House," Yeah, you remember. That's the stuff you take for the diabetes that you forgot to tell the nurse about. Your hands. No hair, which means nerve damage. And your shoes look about two sizes too small which means you've lost sensation in your feet. And then there's your pants."
Willie, My pants tell you I have diabetes?
House," No, they tell me you're an idiot. Powdered sugar on the right pant leg. Based on the two napkins in your right pocket, I'm willing to bet it's not your first donut of the day. [House's beeper beeps, it says ""Code Blue ""ì John Henry Giles ""ì Rm. 324""ù. House gives Willie a prescription.]"
Willie, You're giving me the pills?
House," Sure, why not? If you've got heart disease from ignoring the diabetes they'll kill you. Otherwise, you two have a fun weekend. [House leaves as Willie looks at the prescription skeptically.]"
Chase, 0-2 stats are dropping.
Cameron, Breath sounds?
Chase, Junky.
Cameron, Mucus plug?
Foreman," No, it's our mistake. He's sludging from the IVIG. Blood can't get through to his lungs."
Cameron," Start Heparin. 500ccs, IV push."
Chase," He won't last long enough for it to work. We've got to intubate him, stat. [Cameron starts to bring over the equipment.]"
Foreman, We can't! He's DNR.
Chase," What?! [Cameron, Chase, and Foreman are left standing around his bed.]"
Doctor in Elevator, Someone likes music.
Cora," Oh, yeah."
House, His stats are in the 70s. How long has he been like this?
Chase, 10 minutes.
House," Well, why aren't you doing ""ì"
Foreman, The IVIG put him into respiratory failure.
House, You put him on the IVIG?
Foreman, We did this.
House, So undo it! Chase!
Foreman, It's too late! We killed him.
House," Nobody killed him! He's not dead! Chase, intubate him!"
Chase," He's DNR. [House looks at them all, and shoves his cane at Chase. He starts to intubate John himself.]"
Foreman, What are you doing? You can't do this!
House, Bag.
Foreman, You can't do this!
House, Bag! [He grabs the bag himself and starts to ventilate. Cora walks in.] He had a bad reaction to some medicine we gave him.
Cora, What did you just do?
Cameron, He saved his life.
Chase, He's stable on the ventilator. Oxygenating well.
House," The IVIG made him worse, which means multifocal motoneuropathy was a bad diagnosis. Okay, what's really wrong with him?"
Foreman, What's wrong with you?
House, Everyone knows what's wrong with me. What's wrong with him is much more interesting.
Foreman, You tubed him and he didn't wanna be tubed! He has a legal paper saying just that.
House," To intubate or not to intubate, that is the big ethical question. Actually, I was hoping we could avoid it, maybe just practice some medicine."
Foreman," There's no question. It's the Patient's decision ""ì"
House," -- if the Patient is competent to make it, if his thyroid numbers aren't making him sad."
Foreman," Oh, my God. You don't beliEve that."
Cameron," His thyroid lEvels were a little ""ì"
Foreman, It's nothing. Do not defend him.
House, Why did he sign that DNR?
Foreman," I didn't talk him into ""ì"
House," No, he signed the DNR 'cause he didn't want a slow and painful death from ALS. What was happening to him had nothing to do with his ALS."
Foreman," Right! Exactly! It's the IVIG, you screwed up! You're not gonna let him die because you screwed up!"
House," Technically, your case. You screwed up. Is that what this is about? Looking bad in front of your old boss?"
Foreman, You assaulted that Man.
House, Fine. I'll nEver do it again.
Foreman," Yes, you will."
House, All the more reason this Debate is pointless. [Foreman leaves.]
House," His lungs are worse. Any theories? [Cameron looks to see where Foreman went.] Oh, I'm sure he just went to the little boys' room. Come on, people."
Chase," Uh, vasculitis?"
House, Wouldn't likely hit both lungs.
Cameron, It could be Wegener's granulomatosis. [A Woman in a skirt suit that would make Cuddy proud walks in.]
Woman, Dr. House? [House looks surprised.]
House," Cuddy sent me a stripper again? Ah, love that Woman. So thoughtful."
Woman, [smirking] Sorry. [She hands House a paper and leaves. House hands the paper to Cameron.]
Chase, There are case reports of Wegener's hitting both the legs and the spine.
House," Well, it's not great, but it's better than ALS. At least it's treatable."
Cameron," [looking at the paper] It's a restraining order. You're not to come within 50 feet of John Henry Giles, and they've asked the DA to file criminal charges for battery. [slight pause]"
House," Cameron, test the blood for c-ANCA."
Cameron, These are criminal charges. They aren't going to let you take blood to make more tests.
House," He has blood left in the lab, just add on the c-ANCA. [to Chase] Foreman's still got you doing bronParkoscopic suctioning for the pneumonia?"
Chase, Every four hours.
House," Well, while you're down in his lungs, grab a biopsy. We'll need it to confirm Wegener's. And move the Patient to the second floor ICU."
Chase, Why?
House, It's right above the clinic. I'm pretty sure it's 50 feet in any direction. It's nice having a court order saying you don't have to work clinic duty. [He goes and sits in his office.]
House, [yelling] Dr. Cuddy!
Cuddy, [to Patients] Excuse me.
House, You paged me.
Cuddy, Why the yelling?
House," His bed is behind that wall. The plaintiff's. I can't, you know, come any closer."
Cuddy, It's right over the clinic. Very cute.
House," Can we get the lecture over with, because I've got a, actually, I've got nothing to do. Take your time."
Cuddy, You need a Lawyer?
House, You don't have a pRoblem with what I did?
Cuddy," When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done!. Trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane, so when I hired you I also set aside $50,000 a year for legal expenses. So far you've come in under budget."
House, Great. Any chance you could help me run some tests?
Cuddy, Dr. Foreman called Dr. Hamilton. He's flying in from L.A.
House, You can talk to him.
Cuddy, Dr. Hamilton is flying in as a friend of John Henry's to pull the plug. [pause]
House, Yeah. I need a Lawyer.
s attorney," Your Honor, on behalf of Gregory House, we have convened an emergency session of this court to bring a motion requesting John Henry Giles remain on life support."
Judge Winter, Mr. House faces criminal charges for battery against! John Henry Giles. You beat up a guy in a wheelchair?
s attorney, Dr. House is alleged to have forced a tube down Mr. Giles' throat against his will. [House stands up.]
House," A medical tube, saving his life."
Judge Winter," Dr. House, please let your attorney speak for you. [House's attorney makes a noise in the back of his throat.]"
House," I'm sorry, your Honor. I was way out of line. [He sits.]"
Judge Winter," So, uh, your client forced the Patient into this position, [Cora shakes her head at House (very cryptically, I might say)] and now he wants a court order to force the Patient to stay that way."
s attorney," Without the tube, there's a high likelihood that Mr. Giles will die."
Judge Winter," Well, I assume the Patient knows that, he had a DNR. That's why your client is facing criminal charges, right?"
s attorney, Exactly. And Mr. Giles' death will violate my client's Sixth Amendment right.
Judge Winter," The right to face his accuser. [He smiles.] That's clEver, huh?"
 attorney," Your Honor [he stands], in Commonwealth of Pennsylvania v. Hozelton, the 3rd district ruled that a defendant may not use that status to rule against a felony charge [he fades out. Wilson, who's sitting behind House, leans forward to talk to him.]"
Wilson, Why are you doing this? It's not going to keep you out of jail.
House, No.
Wilson," Even if you win, the restraining order and battery charge stay in place. What have you gained?"
House, Time.
Wilson, To diagnose him? You can't get near him!
House, I don't want to get near him.
Wilson," You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex, they need to save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex, you need to solve the puzzle."
House," Are you done, or do you have more references to 1980s fads? I'm trying to listen to this. [He turns back to the topic at hand, tugging at his shirt collar.]"
s attorney, That DNR may not be valid. The Patient was suffering from depression brought on from a thyroid imbalance.
Judge Winter," The DNR order was witnessed by Dr. House's own staff, a, a Dr. Foreman. [House stands.]"
House," My staff are idiots. I'm sure you know what it's like, your Honor."
Judge Winter, Sit down! [House sits.]
s attorney, The validity of the DNR is a question of fact. Dr. House should have the opportunity to make his argument at a full trial.
Judge Winter, And this poor guy has gotta stay on life support until we can schedule a trial. [House stands.]
House," Your Honor ""ì"
Judge Winter," Dr. House, I will hold you in contempt if you don't sit down."
House, I have a medical issue.
Judge Winter," If it pertains to this case your attorney should ""ì"
House, It doesn't. Do you have any history of heart disease in your family? [Giles' attorney scoffs.]
 attorney, Your Honor!
House," Your fingers. They show signs of clubbing, which indiCate a health pRoblem. Remember Bart Giamotti? Same thing, just dropped dead one day. Please see your doctor."
 attorney, He's admitted this isn't relevant. Can we please get back to the motion?
House," Of course, I'm sorry. [He sits.]"
 attorney," Your Honor, a person's right to control the treatment of their own body is fundamental to understanding this case. A long line of -- [He fades out. The Judge is examining his fingers in the light of the lamp.]"
Wilson," Congratulations, impressive legal argument."
House, I watched Matlock last night. [He pulls off his tie.]
Wilson," Oh, say no more. I didn't notice any clubbing on the Judge's fingers."
House, Neither did I.
Wilson," So, the family history thing!"
House, Every family has some history of heart disease.
Wilson, And mental illness.
Chase, Biopsy only shows inflammation.
House, Start him on Cytoxan.
Cameron, You're diagnosing Wegener's based on a little inflammation?
House," Well, unfortunately I think we've exhausted all the tests we can do in the capacity as the doctors he doesn't want doing tests on him."
Cameron, But you don't --
House, We'll know I'm right if he starts walking.
Chase," You can't do any more tests, but you want me to treat him?"
House," The medicine's in the pharmacy, Patient's immobilized in the ICU. Sounds like a simple geography pRoblem."
Cameron, Are you asking us to jeopardize our medical licenses for this treatment?
 Hamilton, Can I help you?
House," Uh, I'm Dr. House, I'm ""ì"
Hamilton," Gregg, right? I'm Marty Hamilton, John Henry's doctor. [He extends his hand, House just looks at it.] We should talk."
Hamilton," I'd appreciate any list of medications, anything like that."
House, I've started him on Cytoxan.
Hamilton," For Wegener's, right? Look, Gregg. I checked you out, you know? I know you're a good doctor. You have to appreciate that I'm a good doctor, too."
House, Why?
Hamilton," Wegener's is one of the first things I looked for. The biopsy and the blood tests were negative, just like yours."
House," There's an error rate, Marty."
Hamilton," And there's a time to let go. Look, I'm gonna take him off the ventilator, and John Henry's gonna die. He's accepted that. [Foreman enters.]"
Foreman," Dr. Hamilton. Hey! [They great each other, with much smiling and back slapping and ""dude, can't you see we're totally friends""ù kind of attutide. House looks on with interest.] Listen, Dr. Hamilton, I'm sorry. [House raises his eyebrows.] I should have nEver put your Patient on IVIG."
Hamilton," It's not your fault, Eric."
House," No, it's mine. Eric."
Hamilton, That's not what I said. [to Foreman] Everyone asks about you back in L.A.
Foreman, How's the old place doing? [They start to chat.]
House," Oh, this is wonderful. [They stop chatting.] But before you guys break out the oil, I should point out you can't pull the plug; I have a court order."
Hamilton," You used to, but ""ì"
House, I have the right to face my accuser. Judge said so.
Hamilton, Not if no one's accusing you. All the charges have been dropped.
House, He doesn't have to die.
Foreman, It's not Wegener's.
House," If it's Wegener's, his lungs won't be able to handle it. As soon as they pull that plug he'll die."
Wilson," That's why they call it pulling the plug. [Inside the room, John nods. House turns away for a second.]"
Cora," I'm gonna miss you. [She kisses him on the cheek. John starts to cry a bit. Hamilton takes off the ventilator, and! John keeps breathing!]"
Foreman, [pulling out his stethoscope] He's still breathing!
Hamilton, His 0-2 stats are holding.
Foreman, He's holding his own.
Wilson, He's still breathing.
House, It's not Wegener's. Wrong again. [He walks off.]
Wilson," He's stable, but one of his arms is now paralyzed."
House," The real question is, why is he still alive?"
Wilson, Do you think he's just being stubborn?
Foreman, He's alive because you were wrong. It's not Wegener's.
House," Yeah, seem to be doing that a lot, lately. People keep living because of my mistakes."
Cameron, Progression of the paralysis pretty much confirms Hamilton was right. It's ALS.
House, Assuming this is a progression of his paralysis.
Chase, He can't move his arm.
House," Yes, his arm is paralyzed. Yes, his legs are paralyzed. Why is Everyone so gung-ho to connect those two conditions? You could think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking?"
Foreman, How about this one? He's not our Patient.
House," Nope, not good enough."
Cameron," He could have suffered a stroke when he was intubated. [Foreman looks at her.] Well, blood clots are common in intubated Patients. The inactivity causes ""ì"
House, Not interested in why. Let's get an MR-angiogram for an embolic stroke.
Foreman, He doesn't want you treating him!
House, They dropped the court order.
Wilson," Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae."
House," Good point, but I can go within 50 feet of him now."
Hamilton," If you need anything, page me. Any time."
John," Okay. [Hamilton leaves. John starts coughing. House, who was hiding behind a column in the lobby, comes into the room.] Get outta here."
House," Sure. That makes sense. You hate me for saving your life. In fairness to your side, you were also dying because of me, so ""ì"
John, You know I didn't wanna be saved.
House," That's what's interesting. Your thyroid was low, but not low enough to cause depression."
John," So, you came here to tell me that Even if I can't walk I can still hear the birds sing? Enjoy the rainbow, and feeling the sun shine on my face?"
House," Those things are fun. Okay, life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It's not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself. But do me a favor. Just let me find out what's wrong with you. And if you still want to kill yourself, I'll give you a hand. That sound fair?"
John," Yeah, sure. I'll stick around to indulge your obsession. It's over. I lost my air. The session the other night, with those kids? That was a test to see if I could still play. I can't."
House, And that's all you are? A musician?
John," I got one thing, same as you."
House," Really? Apparently, you know me better than I know you."
John," I know that limp. I know the empty ring finger. And that obsessive nature of yours, that's a big secret. You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatEver. That's because they don't got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music, you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is Everything else. No Woman waiting at home after work with the drink and the kiss, that ain't gonna happen for us."
House, That's why God made microwaves.
John," Yeah, but when it's over, it's over."
House," Yeah. [He walks to the door and opens it. Suddenly, he walks back and starts to undo the cords connecting John to the monitors.]"
John, What are you doing?
House," It's not over for me. Either you're gonna call the cops again, or we're doing this. [He starts to wheel John's bed out the door.] If you wanna die, you can do it just as easily inside an MRI maParkne. [At this point, the nurses at the desk are looking at House like he's crazy. Hee!]"
Hamilton," So, I go back to L.A. I'm doing the Dana lectures again this year."
Foreman, Wow. That's quite an honor. [Their salads arrive.]
Hamilton, It's all political.
Foreman," To be honest, you've earned it."
Hamilton," I got lucky on a couple studies I was doing. It all sells tickets. You remember last year's lectures, don't you?"
Foreman, I remember the cigar bar afterwards.
Hamilton, The only reason to attend the thing: cigars and pool. [Foreman laughs.] You enjoy working with Dr. House?
Foreman, Not the word I'd use.
Hamilton," We work too hard not to enjoy ourselves, right? Hmm. You seeing anybody?"
Foreman, Kinda sorta.
Hamilton, Serious?
Foreman, I don't know. Could be.
Hamilton, You think she would enjoy L.A.?
Foreman, Hamilton offered me a job.
Cameron, You gonna take it?
Foreman, I haven't decided.
Cameron, You already have the most prestigious fellowship.
Foreman," It's a partnership. [They look at him.] Three times the money, car allowance, moving expense, pension plan, the chance to work for a guy who gives a crap what other people think."
Chase," So, why didn't you just tell him yes?"
Foreman, I made a commitment here.
Chase, Right.
Cameron, House would let you out of it in a heartbeat.
Foreman," Or he wouldn't, just to jerk me around. Would you guys have taken the job?"
Chase, Don't need the money.
Cameron, I'm not like you. I don't hate House.
Foreman," You guys really don't have a pRoblem with him, with what he did?"
Chase, He knows we disagree with his choice.
Foreman," Choice? Chase, it's not apples and oranges, its right and wrong. And he does it like he doesn't care! He assaults the guy and moves on to the next differential diagnosis like it's nothing ""ì"
Cameron," What do you want from him? More hand-wringing, more torment? You want him to cry himself to sleep at night?"
Foreman," Yeah! Yeah, I want some clue that he knows it's a big deal. That it scares him, that it matters."
Chase," [looking at the screen] Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's that?"
Cameron, It was a stroke!
Chase," Well done, Cameron."
Cameron, House called it. The arm and legs are unrelated.
Foreman," You make enough calls, one of them is bound to be right."
Chase," Yeah, he's just a lucky, lucky guy."
Foreman," Listen, listen, I just think it wouldn't hurt him to learn a little humility. [We see that House has been standing behind Foreman. Whoops!]"
House," So, what's the verdict?"
Cameron, Embolus. The arm pRoblem's caused by a clot.
Chase, There's a good chance we can still bust the clot with tPA.
House, Do it. See what happens to his arm.
Foreman," We found a blood clot in your brain. We'd like to start you on heparin, it's a blood thinner."
John, What are the side effects?
Foreman," Well, your lungs are kind of chewed up from the pneumonia. Good chance there'll be an effusion."
Cora, Bleeding?
Hamilton, Into his lungs.
Foreman, It's our best chance to give you back the use of your arm.
John, I don't need my arm without my air.
Foreman, The damage would likely be minimal.
John, No. [Foreman looks to Hamilton.]
Hamilton, It's his call.
Foreman," Or we could do an embolectomy. Basically, we'd go in and pull the clot out."
Cora, He's saying no to drugs and you're recommending brain surgery?
Hamilton, Bypasses risk to the lungs.
Foreman," It'll either help your arm, or ""ì"
John, Or it'll kill me.
Foreman," From your point of view, it's a win-win."
John, Okay.
Foreman, We'll set up the procedure for today.
Chase, We're in your carotid artery. This is going to take us all the way up into your brain.
Cameron, You all right?
John," Yes. [We see a shot of the screen, showing the line going up his artery into his brain. It moves to a CGI shot of inside the head as Cameron explains.]"
Cameron, The sludge is blocking the blood flow to the part of the brain that controls your arm. All done. You still okay?
John, I think so.
Foreman," I don't know, I guess! It's just with Dr. Hamilton here, I notice a difference in styles."
House, His style involves humility. [small pause] Another difference in our styles: I don't care much for apologies. You can go.
Foreman," I didn't know you were standing there when I said that, okay? It was completely rude."
House," Do you mean genuine humility? You know, with all the self-doubt and the self-questioning, or Hamilton's polite, patronizing ""Aw, shucks""ù humility?"
Foreman, You're both excellent doctors.
House, Thank you. And humility is an important quality. Especially if you're wrong a lot.
Foreman, You've been wrong Every step of the way.
House," Of course, when you're right, self-doubt doesn't help anybody, does it? [His beeper goes off.] We gotta go."
Hamilton," Congratulations, Gregg."
House," [mutters to Foreman] Congratulations! [aloud] Why, Marty?"
Cora," John woke up, he can use his arm."
John, [demonstrates] Thank you.
Hamilton," Now look, I know we've had our differences, but I think when a person does something well [House picks up the phone] it ought to be recognized."
House," The phone works. Next time you want to make me feel all warm and fuzzy, leave a message. [He taps John's leg.] Don't get me wrong, I'm overcome with joy."
John, Doc?
Hamilton, Yeah?
House, What?
John, You just touched my leg.
House," What, you gonna charge me with assault again?"
John," No, I felt it."
House," He now has feeling all the way up to calf. This is the way medicine evolved. Patients sometimes get better. You have no idea why, but unless you give a reason they won't pay you. Anybody notice if there's a full moon?"
Cameron, You're saying he just spontaneously got better?
House," No, I'm saying let's rule out the lunar god and go from there."
Chase, Something he's on is working.
Hamilton," The enzyme replacement protocol is working, rEversing the ALS."
Foreman, The timing doesn't seem suspicious to you?
Hamilton," Heh heh, do you think Dr. House will see it that way? Figure it's his medication doing the job?"
Foreman, I'm sure he will.
House, It's one of ours.
Cameron, How do we figure out which drug is doing the trick?
House, Easy. We stop all of them.
Cameron, One of those drugs is helping him.
House," And the rest? Steroids, antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, they're toxic if we leave him on all of them."
Cameron, He'll walk again.
House," Yeah, to his own funeral."
Chase," But if we stop Everything, he'll get worse."
House," True. And then we'll add our medications back, one at a time. If he gets better, then we'll have our answer."
Cameron, And if he doesn't get better?
House, Then we're in trouble. Not as much as he is. I suppose that was your point.
Foreman," I assume you want me to convince Hamilton to stop his treatments, too?"
House, Don't care.
Foreman, You know at least five of the medications are part of his protocol?
House, If his stuff was helping the guy would be playing tennis six months ago. It's our round of treatment that's helping.
Foreman, Right. So that's what you'll stop.
Wilson," So your philosophy is, ""If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.""ù"
House," Yeah. [We see that they're watParkng General Hospital on the portable TV.] My old philosophy used to be ""Live and let live,""ù but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows."
Wilson, What's your philosophy on employee relations?
House, That's a very tiny pillow.
Wilson, Great. Sounds like you know what you're doing. [A knock. Hamilton enters.]
Hamilton, Gregg. Can I have a word?
House," Can it wait for the commercial, Marty? Say ""hi""ù to my friend, Jimmy."
Hamilton," Pleasure. Your diagnostic trial ""ì"
House," Seriously, commercial's in about five minutes."
Hamilton, -- it's a dangerous game.
House, Only if we're watParkng in the bathtub.
Hamilton, I need to know exactly what medications you were giving John Henry.
House," Forget it. And if Foreman tells you what John Henry used to be on ""ì"
Hamilton, You're gonna fire him?
House, Nope. Make him live out Every day of his two-year contract.
Wilson, Foreman asked to leave?
House, Not yet.
Hamilton," But how do you know I made him an ""ì"
House," You're a polite twit, but you're not an idiot."
Hamilton, I need to know what medications you've taken him off of.
House," Wait a second. You're not an idiot. You need to know what medications I've stopped, because!"
House, He's getting worse. [He whacks John's leg with a clipboard. Nothing.] [to Foreman] Right now you still work for me. Come on!
House," No feeling, no wiggling. The bad news is, John Henry's back where he started. The good news is, Hamilton looks bad."
Foreman," Yeah, it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether the other guy loses."
House, What was the first thing we put him on?
Chase," Steroids, for the pneumonia."
House," Well, put him back on them. Give them 24 hours, see what happens."
Cameron, His lungs aren't great. It might cause another respiratory collapse.
House, Sure hope not. I didn't much like that Lawyer. And get an MRI.
Foreman, He already got one. And an MRA.
House," Well, obviously something is different now. Do it again. Chase, take care of the scan. Cameron, put him on the steroids. [to Foreman] We should pRobably talk, huh?"
Chase, Thin cuts.
Cameron, What lEvels?
Chase," T9 through the quarter-equinus, same as the last time. You really think House would let Foreman out of his contract?"
Cameron," He has to. If he doesn't, he's telling Foreman he needs him. House can't handle that. [She looks closely at the screen.] Oh, my God!"
House, I checked him out. He's a great doctor. You think he's better than I am?
Foreman, This about your ego?
House," Answer the question. It's not going to change my opinion of myself. Might affect my opinion of you, but that shouldn't affect your opinion of yourself. Now I'm getting confused. If you think he's a better doctor than I am, then you should take the job. Otherwise, you should get him to buy you two or three more nostalgic lunches and politely decline."
Foreman, It's that simple? I should just ignore the mockery and abuse?
House," Oh, how do I abuse you?"
Foreman," How do you not? If I make a mistake ""ì"
House," I hold you accountable, so what?"
Foreman, Dr. Hamilton forgives. He's capable of moving on.
House, That is not what he does!
Foreman," I screwed up his case, he told me ""ì"
House," He nEver said you were forgiven. I was there, he said it wasn't your fault."
Foreman, So?
House," So, it was. You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me. He thinks you do your job, and what will be, will be. I think that what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't. [Cameron and Chase come running in.]"
Cameron, Arteriovenous malformation.
Chase," Intradural, compressing his spine. [Chase puts up the scans.]"
House, Causing his paralysis.
Foreman, How could Hamilton have missed an AVM?
House," Well, we missed it, too. 'Cause it wasn't there before."
Chase, You saying it just grew overnight?
House," No. It was on the spine, it wasn't on the MRI. [He points to the scan from a few days ago.] Same anatomic location."
Cameron, It's not there.
House," Well, what is there?"
Chase, Nothing.
House, Or something that looks like nothing.
Cameron," Background noise, static."
Chase, Scar tissue? Inflammation?
Foreman," If it's inflammation, the steroids would have shrunk it down."
House," REvealing the AVM, which has always been there, hiding behind its own swelling. We remove that, he'll walk again."
John, Dr. House! Cora's meeting me outside with a limo. I'm being discharged.
House, Fifty bucks says I can beat you to the curb. [John laughs.]
John, Thanks for sticking with the case.
House, I can't do anything else. [He takes the Vicodin.] You're much more easily amused when you can walk.
John," How bizarre. I'm guessing you weren't exactly Mr. Sunshine Even before your leg got messed up. [John hands House his trumpet as ""It's a Wonderful World""ù starts to play. Aw.] I want you to have this."
House, Wow.
John," You can sell it if you want to, just promise me you won't play it. [House smiles.] How Many of those pills you taking?"
House, I'm in pain.
John," Yeah. Aren't we all? [pause] So, where do you buy these things, do they have cane stores?"
House," Oh, don't worry about it. You'll be jogging before you need a second one. [Foreman comes out a side door.] See you tomorrow, Eric."
Jane Doe, Hi. Sounds like a good party.
Bouncer, 20 bucks.
Jane," Okay. No pRoblem, I, ah, I just got it in here somewhere. [rummages in purse] Oh god, I'm - I'm sorry, I guess I must have forgotten to go to the maParkne."
Bouncer," Yeah, and ah, brush your teeth. Lady, you don't have two cents."
Jane," I can - I can get it from - from my friend who's inside, he can give it to me and then I can bring it back out here to you. [During this, a shot of her wrist, which is twitParkng]"
Bouncer, You don't know anybody here.
Jane," Yes I do! James, he's blonde and he's really friendly and he's a big talker. [on verge of tears] I need to see him."
Bouncer," [pauses, seems to feel sorry for her] Go on in."
Jane," [wanders through rooms, stops by a door in the yellow wall] James? James? James?"
Tall Girl, [obviously high] Hi.
Jane, Do you know where James is?
Tall Girl," Oh yeah, he's, he's around here somewhere."
Tall Girl, Let's go find him.
Jane, Where is he?
Tall Girl," [Grins at Short Girl as she passes by. She shows some pills in her outstretched hand, then pops them in her mouth.]"
Jane, I really need to find him
Tall Girl," [stops and kisses Jane, moving the pills to Jane's mouth in the process]"
Jane, [spits pills out] What are you doing?
Short Girl, Bitch! [She shoves Jane into a wall. Jane falls to the floor and stays there.]
Jane, NO! She's trying to help me! get off her! [PoliceMan 1 grabs Jane] Get off me!
Wilson," Homeless. Admitted 24 hours ago with a suspected drug overdose. Her tox screen's clean, but she's still delusional."
Foreman," Homeless, usually means crazy; no money. Cuddy's not going to like this ""ì"
Wilson, [interrupts] We're a teaParkng hospital. No ID. Doesn't Even seem to know her name. I got called in because of some lesions on her arm.
Foreman," Homeless always means no roof, at least, there's too much sun"
Wilson," The lesions were non-cancerous, but I noticed a twitch. Her wrist."
Jane, Mmph
Foreman, You feel that?
Jane, Sure. I'm huMan.
Foreman," Make a fist around my fingers, tight as you can. Squeeze."
Jane, [grasps weakly] I am.
Foreman, Right. [nods] All right. Raise your arms above your head for me.
Jane," [raises arms halfway] Oh! [arms drop, starts seizing]"
Wilson, [rushes forward] She's seizing. Get me some Ativan.
Foreman, She doesn't want to be discharged. She's Manipulating me.
Wilson," [holds up Jane's arm, it snaps back and hits her face] It's real. Check her finger sticks."
Foreman, Blood sugar's 38. [nurse rushes in]
Wilson, I need D15. IV push stat.
Wilson, Fake low blood sugar. Now that's acting.
Foreman," The blood sugar was real. But she's pRobably diabetic. OD'd on her own insulin. [to nurse at desk] I need 2032. Do you have her effects out here? [to Wilson] Look, a seizure buys her a place to sleep while the nice doctors run their tests, maybe a few free meals. [nurse places bag on counter, Foreman look at it] $20 says there's insulin in here. [Foreman opens the bag, makes face and turns away because of stench] Oh! put this back, please."
Wilson, What about the twitch?
Foreman, Her arm moved.
Wilson," Why fake a twitch? In case the seizure was too subtle? A twitch could indiCate a tumor, which could indiCate""ì"
Foreman," [interrupts] A need to see a neurologist, which is why you called me. Keep an eye on her until 2:00 PM, watch her blood sugar, give her a nice hot lunch, and discharge her."
Wilson, [sighs and nods]
Wilson, He's wrong
House," Foreman is wrong? The neurologist is wrong, about a neurological pRoblem?"
Wilson, He took one look at her and figured it was a scam.
House," So, you figure he's not being objective"
Wilson," [exasperated] House, the Woman had a twitch. She had a seizure."
House, Both of which Foreman saw?
Wilson, He just wanted her out the door!
House," Whoah, whoah, whoah, back up there, big fella. Foreman's the guy you want to take a swing at."
Wilson, [frustrated sigh] I - just - want her to get some medical attention.
House, [starts to look interested] That's not Even close to being true. Something else. Something personal. [pauses] Give me the file. Looks like this will be fun.
Cameron," The twitch could be a mini-seizure, unrelated to the diabetes."
Chase, Brain tumor? [Foreman enters]
House," Glad you could join us, Eric. What's the differential for a twitch in the wrist?"
Foreman, The Patient's a thirty-ish Jane Doe. I just thought I'd discharge her. [glares at Wilson]
Wilson," [glares back] Well, she's my Patient. No harm in a second opinion."
Chase, A blow to the head? A subdural hematoma?
Foreman," Read the file, no evidence of cranial trauma."
Cameron, A twitch could indiCate a brain tumor
Foreman," Or about a dozen other things. Come on, there's two things homeless people are good at ""ì getting sick, and running scams. If you're so worried about it being a brain tumor, get her an MRI, when she's clear on that, then you can bounce her out of here."
Wilson," Well, you've got her all figured out."
Foreman, [flips open a magazine] I've known a lot more homeless people than you have.
Wilson," Yes, you've got that going for you. How could I have doubted your medical opinion?"
House," The big question, you're missing it, all of you. [He drops Jane's smelly bag on the table.]"
Foreman," Oh, geez."
House, Who is she?
Foreman," Okay. Why are we on this case ""ì just because Wilson asked?"
Wilson, [opens mouth in protest]
House, Do I need a better reason?
Foreman," Most people wouldn't, you do."
House," [dumps contents of smelly bag on table, Everyone turns away in disgust] The only thing we know for sure about Jane Doe is that her name isn't Jane Doe. Which means no medical history. Allergies, medication, previous diagnoses, treatment ""ì we have no baseline, no context for medical treatment."
Foreman, [holds up a needle] Wow. Looks just like insulin. [looks at Wilson]
House, [holds up a sweater] Vomit. Still moist. [sniffs] What do you think - a couple of days old? [puts it in Chase's face]
Chase, Uhhh! trying to make me hurl?
House, Yeah. And here's the big finish! [licks fingers]
Cameron," [muffled noise, as if about to be sick]"
House, Salty. Chemical imbalance.
Wilson, Low magnesium could cause a twitch.
House," Or high calcium. Or it's a coincidence. The point is, we don't know anything."
Foreman," [exasperated] So do the MRI. Find out ""ì"
House," The MRI can wait. Hang a banana bag, give her 24 hours to correct the electrolyte imbalance, we'll take it from there."
Wilson, Great. Thanks. [nods and leaves]
Foreman," Okay. Even if she's not faking, what's so fascinating about this case?"
House," At the moment, how much you don't want me to take it. That's pretty fascinating."
Chase," Nice likeness of Dr. Foreman. In fact, he's nEver looked better."
Jane, [glances at Foreman] He doesn't like me. I can tell.
Chase, That's okay. He doesn't like me either. Who's James?
Jane, [reaches for face] Ow! Oh!
Chase, Pain in your head?
Jane," [thrashes about, knocking away lunch tray] Get away from me."
Foreman," [racing forward] All right, let's get it out. One milligram of Ativan, push."
Jane, NO! NO! NO! NO! [bites Foreman's arm as he reaches across bed]
Foreman, She bit me!
Chase," Good news is, she's negative for HIV and hep-C."
Foreman," Yeah? Well, I'm getting a tetanus shot, she's getting an MRI."
Chase, There's a two day wait for non-emergency MRIs.
Foreman, She's getting an MRI. And then she's out of here. [leaves room]
Angela," Now Dr. Terharg specifically said I'd have the MRI at 10:00, it's almost 11:00, and I haven't Even had the pretest yet."
Nurse," Sorry, we're a little backed up."
Patient, Uh!
Foreman," [walks up, looking at slip of paper] Excuse me, you're Dr. Terharg's 10:00?"
Patient," I'm Angela Whitney. I'm meeting my decorator at 11:30, she's coming all the way from New York. Dr. Terharg promised I'd be home in time."
Foreman," Of course. [He wheels the Patient away, trading a slip of paper with one Chase is holding as he walks past in the opposite direction, wheeling Jane]"
Cuddy, She's just about prepped for her MRI? Mrs. Whitney?
Cuddy, [enters] You tried to steal someone else's test?
Foreman, Dr. Terharg is a plastic surgeon. The Woman was getting a six-month checkup on a Parkn implant.
Cuddy, [grabs letter opener from House] I can't beliEve you authorized this.
House, Really? Sounds exactly like something I'd do.
Cuddy," She can't have an MRI. The CT scan shows she has a surgical pin in her arm, the MRI magnet would have ripped it out of her body. You like the Alien movies? You had no medical history, what were you thinking?"
House," We'll surgically remove the pin, then do the MRI, does that sound good?"
Cuddy, She has an electrolyte imbalance.
House," Dr. Foreman, a neurologist, beliEves this Woman has a brain tumor."
Foreman," Actually, I ""ì"
House," [glares at Foreman] Hey, don't Ever apologize for a medical opinion. [to Cuddy] If he's right, we don't do this test, the Patient dies. Now I realize that you have a specialty of your own, but does yours have anything to do with the brain? [nods at Foreman] His does."
Cuddy, Fine. But nothing more until you find out who she is.
Foreman," How are we supposed to ""ì"
House," Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us. [Cuddy and Foreman don't look amused] Go check out the 'hood, dawg."
Homeless Man, I don't know. I've seen a lot of faces around here but I don't think I know her.
Foreman, Great.
Homeless Man," Hey, I ah, like that jacket. Yeah, it's all coming to me now. I know where she keeps her stuff."
Homeless Man, Just bats. [Foreman looks at him incredulously. The homeless Man looks down at his new jacket.] I thought the lining would be thicker.
Cameron," No tumor, nothing. Her brain is clear."
Chase," Which means, that girl had surgery just so you wouldn't get reamed out by Cuddy."
Wilson," [enters] Not necessarily, there could still be something neurological going on."
Foreman," Sure, she's not conning us, the MRI is."
House, [enters] Not wearing a coat in this weather. That is so wrong.
Foreman, She drew these. [laying sEveral hand-drawn comic books out on table] They might give us a clue.
House, [picks one up] She sign them? Her name would be a start.
Foreman," All the mythology, the locations, they're all dependant on life experience."
House, [holds up comic book and looks at it] Philadelphia. Look at that skyline! It's very evocative. The Chrysler Building.
Foreman, That's a cloud.
Cameron, And the Chrysler Building's in New York.
House," Mmm! I'm getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that's a smashed car ""ì car accident."
Cameron, [doesn't sound convinced] A cactus in Philadelphia?
House," Water ""ì well, water's October, right?"
Wilson, Obviously.
House," On the page number 22, so that's October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the Patient was in a car accident two years ago last October."
Wilson, [quite calmly] My goodness! Was she okay?
House," [squints] Broke her arm, I think. They fixed it ""ì with this. [holds up metal pin]"
House," Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial numbers in case of recall, tied to a Patient's name."
Foreman, That's why you insisted on the MRI. So you could remove the surgical pin from her arm.
House," You didn't think I was going to do it to save your sorry ass, did you? [sounds of a fax coming through] You might want to take a look at that. Her name is Victoria Matson, at least that's the one she used then. Any hospital with the record of treating her should be sending that information."
Foreman," [looks at fax] Oh, crap!"
Foreman," Her blood work came back an hour ago, magnesium was normal."
Cameron, Did you change her banana bag?
Foreman," Stopped the magnesium, started iron dextran for sEvere anemia. [throws up hands] She's allergic to iron dextran!"
Chase," [to Cameron] Grab some Epi off the code cart. [checks pulse] Respiratory arrest, call the code!"
Foreman," [to Victoria] You have an allergic reaction, can you speak? [Victoria continues to gasp]"
Chase," She's not getting any air. Got the Epi. [is handed it, gives Victoria shot in arm]"
Cameron, Stats down in the 80s and dropping.
Chase, We have about another minute. [attaches oxygen mask]
Foreman," Well, we got her sedated and stabilized."
House, And we still think there's nothing wrong with her?
Foreman," Well, nothing's changed."
House," We almost killed her ""ì that's different. And we know who she is."
Cameron," So far we've heard from three hospitals with records of Victoria Matson. SEven visits, going back two years."
Wilson, Any home addresses?
Cameron," The pin in her arm went in during an ER visit. She wasn't conscious, so they didn't get an address. The other visits she gave fake addresses."
Wilson," Any treatment for neurological pRoblems, anything that might explain the twitch?"
Cameron," Last winter, Jefferson Hospital in Philly, got treated for frostbite."
Foreman," Baby, it's cold outside."
Cameron, And depression. They put her on Prozac.
Wilson," Well, I'd be bummed out too. Zero degrees, living in a box."
House, Put her back on it. She cheers up; she might stop biting people
Chase," There's a billing record from HartMan Hospital last year. Two appointments, ultrasounds, doesn't say what for."
Foreman, Pregnant?
Chase," Only if she was expecting an elephant. The appointments were ten months apart. Kept the first, blew off the second."
Wilson, Abdominal pain.
Foreman," The chart doesn't say ""ì"
Wilson," [interrupts] Wait a minute. She goes in the first time, they look, they can't find anything. Ten months later, why should she subject herself to that again?"
Foreman, Why make a second appointment?
Wilson," She didn't. The nurse made the appointment. They were looking ""ì they were looking for ovarian cancer."
Chase, [snorts]
Foreman, You got all of that from one cancelled appointment?
Wilson," With Jerry Lousing, yeah. He's an oncologist."
Chase," Hang on, her current blood work doesn't show cancer. CA125 is normal."
Foreman," And the cancer wouldn't account for the alleged twitch, or any other of her alleged symptoms."
House," Actually, it would. Neoplastic Syndrome associated with the cancer could cause her to twitch like a bunny on crystal meth. Ultrasound her ovaries."
Cuddy, Did you find a brain tumor on her MRI?
House, No. Foreman was wrong. I'm starting to wonder about that guy's medical chops.
Cuddy, Right. [stops at clinic waiting room] Shelley Diamond?
Shelley, [A lady holding one Parkld and surrounded by others looks up] Yes?
Cuddy, Dr. House is ready to see you now. [hands House the file]
Shelley," The little ones are licking each other again, and Harry's got a seeping wart on his extra toe. What room should we go to?"
House," [fake sneeze] You know, I think I might be coming down with something. Hate to give it to you guys. Sorry. [starts walking toward exit]"
Cuddy," Oh yeah. Just walk out, like I'm not going to do anything."
House, [turns] Bye-bye. [keeps walking]
Foreman, Working hard?
House," This stuff's pretty good. Calendrica, works for the counseled genius. Bad guy's Mr. Fury, fairly generic, no special skills, but apparently very well organized. Think you work hard, try ruling the universe."
Foreman, You trying to teach me something here?
House," We've got the flowing dress, the ring. Think the Patient was married? Maybe it was a bad break up, maybe he dumped her cause she was on drugs."
Foreman, You care about her personal history?
House," Nope. Question is, why don't you? [Foreman looks away] I hate to cite a clichÈ, but ""ì Dad on the streets?"
Foreman, [short laugh] Dad's with Mom.
House, They're both living on the streets?
Foreman, No! On a pension.
House, So who pissed you off?
Foreman," Pfft. Right now, you."
House," Your turn, you gonna tell me why this case?"
Wilson," She's my new girlfriend, I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name."
House, So she's just another sick person the kindly Dr. Wilson has made sure doesn't get lost in the big ugly system.
Wilson," Yes, I forgot, I need a reason to give a crap."
House, You're giving two craps.
Wilson, The metric system always confuses me.
Cuddy, [walks up with two college-age girls wearing lab coats] Dr. House.
House, Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Wilson, Get me some Thin Mints. [turns and leaves]
Cuddy," Since you're too sick to work in the clinic ""ì"
House, [makes big show out of stifling pretend sneeze] Okay.
Cuddy," ""ì I thought you ""ì"
House," [huge, loud sneeze]"
Cuddy, - I thought you could do some teaParkng. Patient histories.
House, My specialty.
Cuddy," When you teach, you learn so much, don't you think?"
House," It's all about the giving back. [Cuddy walks off, House turns to students] Good old Cuddy. Always thinking. She assign you a Patient to interview? [reaches for pills]"
Students, Mmmhmm.
House, Then why are you still here?
Chase, Why are we on this case?
Cameron, Because Wilson asked House to do him a favor.
Chase, I think House just wants to prove she's sick so Foreman will be wrong.
Cameron," [with a sigh] Oh, you boys."
Chase," Hey, I'm just doing my job. [looks at ultrasound] Whoah. [pauses] Foreman's going to be so embarrassed when he finds out she's got cancer."
Wilson, Oh. I thought you were too sick to be down here.
House," Had to get away from those students so I faked a page. [flips through file] Foreman's parents, happily married, 40 years."
Wilson, Mazel Tov.
House," Keinahora. So, why does he hate homeless people? If it's an uncle or a grandparent you'd think he'd use it in his college application essay. Family struggles beats a 4.0 GPA any day."
Wilson, I think he had a 4.0
House, Maybe he's just a snob.
Wilson, You really don't need to know Everything about Everybody.
House," I don't need to watch the OC, but it makes me happy."
Wilson," Yeah, delirious. What's the other file?"
House," Wilson, James. Boy wonder oncologist. You know him?"
Wilson," You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word friend can also be translated as 'limping twerp'."
Wilson," Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditParkng the conversation?"
House, Why can't both be true? Come on.
Wilson," Solid non-cystic mass on the left ovary. Five by three centimeters, central necrosis. The only question is whether she dies in two months or three."
Foreman," Oh, God."
Wilson, You were right. There's nothing we can do for her here. Might as well put her back on the street.
House, Unless it's not cancer.
Chase," Oh, you're joking."
House," Well, hard not to ""ì nothing funnier than cancer. But what if it's a tuberculoma. She's living out on the streets, breathing all kinds of crap 24/7. The odds are she's got TB, why can't she have a nice benign growth to go with it?"
Wilson, A solid mass on her ovary. Ovarian cancer's way more likely.
House," You're right. It's not Even close. Start her on INH, Rifampicin and Streptomycin."
Cameron, But that's the treatment for a tuberculoma.
House, And what is the treatment for advanced ovarian cancer?
Foreman, Pine box.
Victoria, What are you giving me?
Foreman," A second dose of some antibiotics. If you've got a tuberculoma, it should help."
Victoria," I don't have a tuberculoma, do I?"
Foreman, [sighs] PRobably not.
Victoria, [looks back down at her sketch]
Foreman," Listen ""ì I'm sorry I didn't beliEve you."
Victoria, I'm sorry I lied to you. I took too much insulin on purpose; I really wanted a place to sleep.
Foreman," [nods and looks down at sketch.] Were you Ever ""ì married, Victoria? [Victoria shakes her head] But in the comic ""ì"
Victoria," No, it's a comic, comics are just made up."
Foreman," So who's James? Is he real, or did you make him up?"
Victoria, He's real.
Foreman, Can I help you find him?
Victoria," [looks up at Foreman, then turns to window] The ""ì the light's bright ""ì it's getting brighter ""ì [holds up arms to protect face] ""ì ow, ow!"
Foreman," Take it easy, take it easy, Everything's fine."
Victoria," Mr. Fury wants to hurt me, please, help me!"
Foreman," Wait, wait, wait, hold on! [grabs thermometer and puts it in Victoria's ear]"
Victoria," ""ì turn it off ""ì please turn off the ""ì"
Foreman," [looks at thermometer, which reads 105] All right, hold on Victoria. [rushes over to close blinds and turn off light] Take it easy, Everything's fine. Take it easy, Everything's fine, Victoria."
Victoria, I'm burning! It's burning!
Foreman," [gets glass of water] Hold on. Take a sip, take a sip."
Victoria," [knocks water away] It's poison, you gave me poison!"
Foreman, [grabs needle] Hold on. Take it easy.
Victoria, [screams]
Foreman," Hey, turn off that damn light!"
Victoria," Help me, help me, please!"
Foreman," [injects her] Take it easy, take it easy. The bad guys can't get you here, I've got you covered."
Victoria," [wails] Mr. Fury's not the bad guy, I'm the bad guy, it's me, I'm the bad guy!"
Foreman, It's not a tuberculoma. Can't be.
House, I didn't know the biopsy was back.
Foreman," Her temperature's 105. Treatment's not working, it's cancer. She's dying."
House, [leans back in chair] 105!
Chase, Good news! It's a tuberculoma.
Foreman, How do you figure that? Her temp's through the roof.
Chase," [holds up paper] It's the lab results from the biopsy, it's definitely a tuberculoma."
House," [looks at test results] So ""ì we're right about the diagnosis, and the treatment for that diagnosis is killing her. Perfect."
Chase," The lab checked the biopsy again, twice."
Foreman," Well, a tuberculoma doesn't give you a temperature of 105."
Chase, Then it's a tuberculoma and something else.
Wilson, [enters] The something else is gonna to melt her brain.
House, Poach. Better metaphor.
Chase, A fEver that high has to be bacterial.
Wilson, Maybe the bowel got nicked in the biopsy.
Foreman," I did the biopsy ""ì no nick! She could have picked up an infection on the streets."
Wilson," Well, she didn't have a fEver when I admitted her!"
Cameron," The Prozac we've given her could have triggered Serotonin Syndrome, which would explain the fEver."
Wilson," [interrupts] No! Jefferson put her on Prozac, and it wasn't a pRoblem."
Foreman, She pRobably nEver took it! Most likely they saw her one time and dumped her out of the ER with a script.
Wilson," Oh, just like you were going to do!"
House," [turning to face them] Okay you two, grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors. Send blood and urine cultures and get a chest x-ray. And fine, take her off Prozac and put her on Bromocryptin for the Serotonin syndrome."
Chase," Might want to get her in an ice bath as well, assuming we want her to live long enough to see those test results."
Victoria, I said I was sorry.
Foreman," Your fEver's 105. If we don't bring it down fast ""ì"
Victoria," [interrupts] Foreman, why are you doing this to me?"
Foreman, We're saving your life.
Victoria, [gibbers and cries]
Foreman," Hey, come on ""ì you can do this."
Victoria," [looks at Foreman, wails] Ple-ee-ease!"
House, Continue.
House," And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. [looks up] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature."
House," Nope. I'm supposed to be teaParkng you. If I can do that without listening, more power to me."
House, [interrupts] This guy's supposed to have universal power over all of gravity; how come his hair won't stay down? That's just stupid.
House, Hard to beliEve that one Patient could slip past Cuddy and get herself admitted with a sprained wrist. Two seems almost impossible - what room?
Students, Room 2106 [the girls look at one another]
House, Patients lie. But usually only one lie at a time; how much does she weigh?
House," Poundage, ladies, and by the by, what color is her nose?"
House," [pager goes off] Almost nothing. She's either under 90 pounds, or she has a red nose. I gotta go."
House," That would be telling. [looks at students and smiles] Oh, I am just too nice. It starts with 'C'. [drops medical dictionary on desk as he leaves]"
Chase, Urine cultures are negative.
Cameron, So's the chest x-ray.
House, I assume there's a positive coming.
Foreman, Lumbar punctures rEvealed elevated proteins and white counts.
Wilson, CSF cultures?
Cameron, Still growing. Nothing on Gram Stain. It looks like meningitis.
Chase, We know it's definitely an infection. And we know where it is.
House," Well, meningitis is nice and simple. Get her in isolation and start her on Ceftriaxone. Either she gets better or she dies. [ducklings walk toward door] Let me know which one happens!"
Cameron, Oh my God. She was sedated.
Chase, It must have worn off.
Foreman," I ""ì I did it myself, a half hour ago."
Chase, I'll check the nurse's station. [leaves]
Foreman, [looking at the wall] Calendrica.
Foreman, She's gonna die out there.
Wilson," You don't walk out of a room with ten milligrams of Haldol in your system, you don't walk at all."
Foreman," It was ten milligrams, I gave it to her ""ì"
Cuddy," [interrupts] It doesn't matter! Bacterial meningitis, highly contagious, if she is out of the hospital, we are so liable."
Wilson, Not to worry. She'll be dead before she can kill anybody.
Chase," Security tape confirms it, she stole some clothes and she's gone."
House," Wrong coat. The cape's in the closet, I had it cleaned."
Foreman, Funny.
House, You gonna save her?
Foreman," In her comics, Mr. Fury lives in Sloan Harbor. The night she came in, she was at a rave at 1408 Sloan Street."
House," You've been reading. My, how you've changed."
Cuddy," You are a doctor; do what doctors do. Pick up the phone, dial 911 and a cop on the other end does what cops do and finds the missing person! [House raises eyebrows, Foreman takes off coat] I assume the rest of you have doctor things to do ""ì [looks at House] I know you do."
House," Do you Even know what that is, or are you just guessing Everything that starts with 'C'?"
House," CacPark ""ì C-A-C- she's going alphabetically."
House," It sets off my eyes. [smiles and enters room with Patient] Hi, Jodi, I'm Dr. House. What brings you to the hospital?"
Jodi, My wrist.
House, How did that happen?
Jodi, I was riding the Ferris wheel and this huge seagull flew right at me. [The camera pans from the Ferris wheel on the back of House's clipboard to the bird pin on his jacket.]
House, How horrifying.
Jodi," I swung my arm at the bird, but I hit the Ferris wheel."
House, [turns to students]
House," No, her wrist really does hurt."
Jodi, I'm not lying.
House," Of course you are. You have no idea what happened. You have no memory. [House exits room with students] Korsakoff's syndrome. Her brain is damaged by excessive drinking or insufficient diet; pretty obviously the latter. She has no new memories, no new ideas, can't Even process that idea. So her brain fills the gaps as best it can using visual clues. The horse on your shirt led her to the riding accident and the surf scene on your clipboard led her to the beach."
House," I didn't say 'C'. Or did I? Lesson to be learned ""ì treat Everybody as if they have Korsakoff's, we all lie anyway. Give her Thiamine right away, she'll bounce back pretty quickly. And then get her to eat some cake and ice cream."
House, Yes?
House," Hi! Jodi, I'm Dr. House. What happened to your wrist?"
Jodi," There was this weird old guy, he had a cane ""ì"
House, See? It's like it nEver happened. Perfect forgiveness.
EMT, Pulse is rapid.
Foreman, You got a temp?
EMT," Don't know. She's warm, but ""ì"
Foreman, That's something to look into; she has meningitis.
EMT," Sorry, I was more worried about her heart blowing up. Pulse is 150."
Foreman, Rhythm regular?
EMT, Yeah.
Foreman," Ready ""ì one, two, three. [They move Victoria from stretcher to gurney.]"
Foreman, [to policeMan] Where'd you find her?
PoliceMan, Battlefield State Park
Foreman, {something} Narrow Complex? She wasn't at Sloan?
PoliceMan, She was just passed out on the grass.
Victoria, [mutters] Foreman! I need Foreman.
Foreman," All right. Super ventricular tachycardias. Get me Adenosine, one milligram, push. Thank you. [He gives her the injection] Hang in there. [He looks back and forth between monitor and Victoria while she stabilizes]"
Foreman, Her arrythmia stabilized.
Chase, It doesn't make sense. What would push her heart rate over 150? Dehydration? FEver?
Cameron," Unlikely. By themselves, neither one would do it."
Foreman, We must be wrong about the meningitis. Maybe it's structural heart disease.
House, Her heart rate dropped when you administered the Adenosine.
Foreman, Two seconds.
House, It's still meningitis.
Foreman," If it is, with the delay in treatment, she's got almost no chance."
House, Start the treatment. [leaves room]
PoliceMan, [flipping through notepad] Read the report. I found her lying on the grass.
House, You should read my reports. I make up stuff all the time. What really happened?
PoliceMan," Oh, since it's you! I found her lying on the grass."
House, Wow. That is a great looking gun. [close up on policeMan's belt]
PoliceMan, It's not a gun. It's a taser.
House," It's so cool looking. What does it do? Fire about 60,000 volts? At least, that's what it would take to jack someone's heart up to 150s."
PoliceMan," Okay. Okay. Let's just say I tell you what happened. [leans in] This stays between you and me, right? I found her. Lying. On the. Grass."
House," Fine. [reaches into jacket] Don't tell me. Tell my friend, Ben Franklin. [holds up $100 bill, then sets it on the counter] I watch a lot of cop shows."
PoliceMan, [stares]
House," The good news is, the heart rate thing's not connected to her condition."
Foreman," Well then, she's dying. The meningitis treatment isn't helping her, she's getting worse."
House," Well, that brings us to the bad news. The cop tasered her."
Foreman,[derisive snort] Jerk. PRobably couldn't get to his real gun fast enough.
House," The first time he hit her in the thigh, and she just kept going, like it was nothing. Right about here. [He marks the spot. Victoria doesn't move; House pokes her with a needle.] She didn't feel the taser. [pulls down sheets and pokes her toe]"
Foreman, Localized numbness?
House," Yeah, in that one spot."
Foreman, The diabetes?
House, I don't think so. [takes swab of Victoria's mouth]
Foreman, No alcohol. Not entrapment syndrome. Can't be a vitamin deficiency. We can't Chase down Every sensory neuropathy.
House, Is that where she bit you? [close up of Foreman's bandaged forearm]
Foreman, Yeah.
Foreman, What the hell?!
House, Can't get angry if you don't feel anything.
House," First there's localized numbness, then sensitivity to light, disorientation, paranoia, ineffectiveness of sedatives, and then hydrophobia. Fear of water. [maParkne starts up]"
Foreman, Rabies.
Chase," There've only been, what, 20 cases in the last ten years?"
House," Yeah. That's because non-homeless people, when they get bitten, they get shots."
Foreman, There were bats.
Wilson," [closes eyes, maParkne beeps]"
Cameron," [looks at test results, draws in breath, looks up without a smile]"
Wilson, She's dying.
Chase, There's no treatment.
Cameron, [quietly] How much time does she have?
House," A day, maybe two. [turns to Foreman] And if you don't get your shot in, say, the next three hours, I'm going to have to make another affirmative action hire."
Wilson, [to Foreman] Come on.
Foreman, [sigh] Do it. [Wilson sticks needle into Foreman's stomach] Mmmph.
Wilson, You want me to talk to her?
Foreman," And say what? There's some experimental treatment, but it's not gonna work. Don't worry, we can make you comfortable? Doesn't matter how. She's gonna die."
Wilson, Yeah. That's what you say to her. Keep that there and rest for a minute.
Foreman, Mmm! [gets up]
Wilson," Whoah, whoah, whoah!"
Foreman, Tell House I need to go out for about an hour.
Wilson, She may not have that long.
Foreman, I don't want her to die alone.
Wilson, [putting it together] You're going to find James.
Foreman, I'm gonna try.
Wilson," Well, I must say ""ì he's done a lot with the place."
Wilson, [shouts] Hello?
Foreman," [to Wilson] Hey ""ì this is it."
Wilson," Man, no one's been in here for a long time."
Foreman, This has got to be James. Maybe there's another address.
Wilson, It's not James. [hands over marriage certifiCate] Paul. Paul Furia.
Foreman, Mr. Fury.
Wilson, Her husband.
Foreman, Then who's James?
Wilson," [looks up slowly, and hands Foreman some papers from the envelope] Her kid."
Victoria," Oh, I just want to eat you up. You're so delicious."
Victoria," Aw, look at me, you're just like your papa. Look at you. Just like your dad."
Wilson," [interrupts, bringing the shot back to the present] Foreman. Foreman. [pauses] They're dead. [hands over newspaper clipping] That car crash two years ago ""ì she broke her arm! and they were killed."
Foreman, She was driving.
Victoria, James.
Foreman, No. It's Paul.
Victoria, You've come to take me.
Foreman, No. I've come to forgive you. [Victoria's breath catches and her eyes start to tear] It wasn't your fault.
Victoria, [sobs] I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry.
Foreman, I know. It's okay Victoria. It's okay.
Wilson, Oh. [sounding perturbed] You followed me?
House," No. You were wearing rain boots today, but you were Parked in the underground garage, so the only reason you'd need boots was if you were hitting the streets! I followed you."
Wilson, Didn't we have a conversation about friendship?
House," Yeah. I had some follow up questions. I've met your parents, and your brother ""ì"
Wilson, I have two brothers.
House," Why wouldn't you tell me ""ì"
Wilson, It was irrelevant.
House, Why not?
Wilson, Because he's not in my life any more.
House," Well, that's relevant."
Wilson," [draws breath] This was the last place I saw him, nine years ago. I don't Even know if he's alive."
Pam, What d'you say now?
Keith, I don't know.
Pam, You said your dad wouldn't be home for an hour.
Keith," I know, but it, it, you know ""ì"
Pam, Don't you love me?
Keith," Of course, you know I ""ì"
Pam, Come on. Let's do it.
Keith, All right. [They resume kissing.]
Pam, Where are they?
Keith, Nightstand. [Pam reaches over and pulls something out of the drawer.]
Pam," Gentlemen, start your engines. [She waves! car keys!]"
Pam," I SO want this car! Woo hoo!! [They are laughing and shouting. Keith starts to cough. As Pam is recklessly passing a car, she looks in the rearview mirror and sees that it is spattered in blood, which Keith is coughing up.]"
Pam," Oh my God, you're bleeding!"
Keith," [looking at the road] Look out! [Pam slams on the brakes, and the Porsche slides under the trailer of a large truck going through an intersection The car stops on the other side of the road, just in time for a bus to crash into it.]"
House, What lie are they telling you? [Pharmacist gestures for him to wait.]
Pharmacist," [on phone] Okay, yes. [We see that the pharmacy shelves are missing some drugs.]"
House, Come on.
Pharmacist," [still on phone] All right, thank you. [He hangs up.] Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research."
House," Hmmm. That's a tough one. If only we had some way to communiCate with another part of the building. [He picks up the phone for the pharmacist, Cameron walks up.]"
Cameron," 16-year-old MVA victim. He's been in and out of the hospital for three weeks with internal bleeding, no one can find the cause."
House," Internal bleeding after a car accident, wow, that's shocking! [to pharmacist] Let me talk to shipping, I speak their language."
Cameron," It's been three weeks ""ì"
House," [to Cuddy, who is at the clinic desk] Your hospital doesn't have my pain medication."
Pharmacist, Shipping says it's going to be an hour. [Cuddy comes to the phone.]
Cuddy," This is Dr. Cuddy, what's going on?"
Cameron, The crash didn't cause the bleed.
House," Right, the bleed caused the crash. Blood got on the road, it got all slippery. [to the room] Anyone here got drugs? [Everyone looks at him, one clinic Patient raises his hand]"
Cameron," She saw his blood, she got distracted, and she crashed his dad's Porsche."
House, Dad loved that.
Cameron," He was ""ì"
House, Don't talk.
Cuddy, It's gonna be an hour.
House," Well, thank God you took control."
Cuddy," If you can't wait one hour to get your""ì"
Cameron, Kid's got hemolytic anemia. [House and Cuddy turn to look at her.]
Cuddy, Kid? How old? [takes chart]
House, He must have inherited it. He's gonna die. My condolences.
Cameron, It wasn't inherited. The pRoblem's outside the red blood cells.
Cuddy," This is impossible. A 16-year-old doesn't get hemolytic anemia ""ì"
House," Give her back the file; you have bigger pRoblems to tend to, like my meds."
Cuddy," Elevated indirect bilirubin, low serum haptoglobin!"
House, He's got meningitis.
Cuddy, [looks at chart] Uh! no.
House, Artificial heart valve.
Cameron, No. [House looks at the chart himself.]
House, Get Everyone in my office.
House," Kid's gonna be dead in a matter of days if we don't figure out why his red blood cells are disintegrating, so differential diagnosis, people."
Foreman," Well, it's not environmental. Dad hired a company to clean the House, maid washed all the clothes, and bought hypoallergenic sheets and pillows."
Chase, You want us to recheck?
House, No. If it's environmental he'll get better just from staying here.
Foreman, It could be an infection.
Cameron," No fEver, no white count."
Foreman," Well, he's 99.2."
Cameron, Barely above normal.
Foreman," But above. His body's reacting to something. [While this is happening, House is looking at his watch, shuffling papers, resting his head on the clear white board, etc.]"
Cameron, We could account for the lack of fEver and white count if it's lupus.
Chase, Drugs'll fit just as much as lupus. Meth'll cause hemolytic anemia.
Cameron, A lot of meth.
Foreman, He also doesn't seem the type.
Chase, Because his dad drives a Porsche? Rich kids do drugs just like poor kids.
Foreman, Didn't mean to offend you.
House," Okay, so it's infection, lupus, drugs, or cancer."
Cameron, Cancer?
House, Why not? Great meeting. [He starts to leave.]
Cameron, Shouldn't we narrow it down before we finish?
House," My leg gave us 'till 11:15. I'll talk to Wilson about lymphoma, [to Cameron] ANA for lupus, [to Chase] radioimmunoassay for drugs, [to Foreman] and you! you test for whatEver you thought it was. [He leaves.] I've got a date with a pharmacist."
House," Come on, come on, come on, come on! [As soon as House gets the bottle, he dry-swallows a couple pills. Cuddy catches up to him on his way out the clinic doors."
Cuddy," You know, there are other ways to Manage pain."
House," Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?"
Cuddy, You're addicted.
House," If the pills ran my life I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do."
Cuddy, You're in denial.
House," Right, I nEver had an infarction in my leg, no dead muscle, no nerve damage. Doesn't Even hurt. [he presses the button for the elevator] Actually, it kind of tickles. The Parkcks dig this. [raises cane] Better than a puppy."
Cuddy," It's not just your leg. You wanna get high! You're doing what, 80 mg a day?"
House," Oh, that's way too much! Moderation is the key. Unless there's pain."
Cuddy, It's double what you were taking when I hired you.
House, 'Cause you're twice as annoying.
Cuddy, I can't always be here to protect you. Patients talk. Doctors talk. [elevator doors open]
House," About how big your ass has gotten lately? Not me, I defend it. You got back. [They walk into the full elevator.]"
Cuddy, You can't go a week without your drugs.
House," No, I don't want to go a week without the drugs, it'll hurt."
Cuddy," No, you can't. If you're just getting off pain medication, it will hurt, you won't be having a great time, but you'll make it. If you're detoxing you'll have Parklls, nausea! your pain will magnify five, ten times. You won't make it."
House," Well, I guess we'll nEver know."
Cuddy, I'll give you a week off clinic duty if you can go a week off narcotics.
House, No way! I love the clinic.
Cuddy, You love the pills. Two weeks.
House, Pills don't make me high. They make me neutral.
Cuddy, A month. [A pause. House reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Vicodin.]
House," You're on, mister. [He throws the pills to Cuddy, who looks positively giddy.]"
Dad, Drugs could cause this?
Cameron, Cocaine and meth are very hard on the blood system. Has he had any erratic behavior?
Dad," No, but! [looks over to where Pam is sitting by herself] She was in rehab in the 9th grade. She's supposedly clean now, but ""ì"
Cameron, She obviously cares for him.
Dad," Yeah, what she cared about was the car. Anniversary present from my wife. We drove it up north to watch the leaves change. She was dead a year later. Cancer."
Cameron," I'm sorry. Mr. Foster, we're going to test Keith for drugs."
Keith, I don't do drugs.
Chase," It's not that we don't trust you, but! [he pulls one of Keith's hairs with tweezers]"
Cameron, [voiceover] His hair will tell us any drugs he's taken in the past sixty days. It's kind of like rings on a tree.
Chase, Negative.
Cameron, Have you been sick?
Dad," No, nothing."
Cameron, Have you been out of the country?
Dad," We went to Parkna, but we got all of our shots before we left."
Cameron," [voiceover] It could be an infection. We're going to give him a gallium scan just to be safe. We inject a radioactive isotope into his bloodstream, and we check to see if there's inflammation anywhere in the body."
Cameron," Has he Ever complained of any joint pain? Sensitivity to light, rashes!"
Dad," No, no, nothing."
Cameron, Any relatives Ever been diagnosed with lupus?
Dad, I don't Even know that that is.
Cameron," In simple terms, the body becomes allergic to itself. The immune system attacks healthy cells in the circulatory system and destroys them."
Dad, Would it be treatable?
Cameron, It can be Manageable.
Cameron, [voiceover] We can test for the antibodies. 95% of Patients with lupus test positive for ANA.
Foreman, Not cloudy. Negative.
Cameron, What about bruising? He Ever complain about tenderness under his arms or his groin?
Dad, I'm not sure he'd tell me if he did. I guess I really don't know what's going on in his life.
Cameron, He's a teenager. [Pause] What type of cancer did your wife have?
Dad, Pancreatic.
Cameron, It's his lymph nodes we're concerned about. We're going to do a biopsy to check for lymphoma.
Wilson," Okay, you feel this?"
Keith, No.
Wilson, Good. [He begins to cut into his arm.]
Keith," I have cancer, don't I?"
Wilson, We're just testing.
Keith, That's what they told my mom.
Wilson, Definitely not cancer.
House, Nothing?
Cameron, Nothing.
Chase," Negative for drugs. ANA was negative, gallium scan was clear!"
House," Yeah, I got that from the ""nothing""ù. Where's his hematocrit?"
Foreman, Thirteen.
Wilson," Drops any lower he's not going to have any red blood cells to bring oxygen to his body. [While he's saying this, House grimaces and puts his hand against the wall to steady himself.] He'll suffoCate with his lungs working perfectly."
Foreman, You okay? [House nods slightly.]
Keith," Excuse me, someone? Help, please?"
House, [as the Ducklings enter the room] Polite for a dying kid. [He starts to limp off.]
Wilson, How long has it been?
House, I'm fine.
Keith," There's something in my eye, up top."
Chase, Which eye?
Keith, [points to left] This one. What's happening?
Chase," It's all right. Just, look down for me? [He looks into his eye with a pen light. We see that Keith's vision is getting dimmer and dimmer.] It's clear. There's nothing in it."
Keith, It's getting worse!
Cameron," Is it fuzzy, or ""ì"
Keith, No! It's dark! I can't see!
Foreman, It's a retinal clot in the left eye.
Cameron," Coumadin would dissolve the clot, fix his eyesight."
Chase," You can't use bloodthinners, he's got internal bleeding. Fix the eye, you kill Everything else."
Foreman, Surgery's out for the same reason.
Chase, We have two hours to figure this out. Either we restore the blood flow or he loses the eye. [House walks in from his office. He does not look as earlier.]
House," Forget the eye. Tell him to use the other one to look on the bright side. The clot tells us something. It could help us figure out what he has, which could mean he gets to live. [The three of them are staring! Chase openly curious, Foreman with disgust, Cameron with something like pity.] Differential diagnosis, people. How does internal bleeding suddenly start clotting?"
Chase," It makes no sense, they're opposing processes. [Wilson walks in.]"
Cameron, It can happen in lupus. Increased platelet count can cause blood clots.
Wilson, ANA was negative. It's not lupus.
House, This is true. But why are you the one saying it? What are you doing here? I thought we ruled out cancer.
Wilson, I was lonely.
House," Well, go see Cuddy. She needs a friend."
Wilson," That's funny, she said you might need one."
House," That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat."
Wilson," No, I want to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower."
House, I'm fine.
Cameron, What's going on?
Wilson, [while working on the crossword] He hasn't had Vicodin in over a day.
Foreman, Does your leg hurt?
House, You Ever been shot?
Foreman," There's gonna be side effects. Insomnia, depression, tachycardia ""ì"
House," Withdrawal symptoms. Not applicable. The only side-effects I'm going to have are some pain and thirty days of freedom. [Pause. Interestingly enough, now Cameron looks disgusted.] Am I the only one who's concerned about a dying kid? If it's not lupus, what else?"
Chase, Most likely candidate for throwing a clot is infection or cancer.
Wilson," Checked the biopsy twice, it's not cancer."
Foreman, It's not an infection. Gallium scan didn't rEveal anything.
House," Okay, what hides from a gallium scan? [He turns to see! a beautiful Woman stretParkng in his office! Ooookay. The rest of the ducklings continue the conversation as though they don't see her.]"
Chase, Cardiac.
Cameron," Right. Clot slips off, travels through the artery, and gets backed up in the eye."
House," I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What happened?"
Foreman, It's an infection. In his heart?
House," Great. Echocardiogram for the heart and IV antibiotics for the infection, stat. [Chase, Cameron and Foreman leave, Wilson walks over. Now, there's another person who can see the Woman. Yes, indeed.]"
House, Is it my birthday?
House," I'm not lonely, my leg hurts."
Wilson, She's a real masseuse.
House," She's five hundred dollars an hour, minimum."
Wilson," She's hot, so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?"
House," The envious, jealous, I-nEver-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello!"
Wilson," She's a legitimate masseuse, come on. [looks at her] God, she's beautiful."
House, Because she's beautiful I should do it? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Wilson," The envious, jealous, I'm-married-and-I-can't-do-anything logic! [Woman comes over.] Hello."
House," Hi. Listen, I'm, I'm sure you're really good at whatEver it is you do ""ì"
Woman," Dame su Mano. [Translation corner: means ""Give me your hand.""ù When House doesn't understand, she grabs it.]"
House," Hey, no, let go of my hand."
Wilson, She doesn't speak English.
Woman, Shhhh!
House," Ow! Ow! ah! ah!. oh, my God. [Woman looks happy. And if Wilson's looks could take people's clothes off, this show wouldn't be TV-14.] Bueno."
Woman, Take off your clothes.
Chase, [looks at the untouched food] Not a fan of the stroganoff?
Keith, I'm not hungry.
Chase, The antibiotics can cause nausea.
Keith, So can the food. Shouldn't you be looking at my eye?
Chase, The blood clot isn't life-threatening. We're focusing on figuring out the cause of your pRoblems.
Keith," So the blindness will be perManent, won't it? [Chase nods.]"
House, Thank you.
Woman, Bye. [Chase walks up.]
House, I had a massage.
Chase, Looks like you had a masseuse. Help the pain?
House, I'm fine.
Chase," I know. Kid's echo was normal, no sign of any vegetations on heart valves."
House, NEver met a diagnostic study I couldn't refute.
Chase, And the antibiotics aren't doing anything.
House," So, double the dosage. 70mg."
Chase, That'll box his kidneys for sure!
House," Oh, you're right. Save the kidney. The guy we transplant it into will be grateful."
Chase," Also, I have an idea for his eye."
House, Nothing we can do about his eye.
Chase," He's got a clot in his retinal ""ì"
House, Read the memo.
Chase," If we remove some of the liquid from the eye itself, the Vitreous humor, it might make some extra room around the retinal artery."
House," If the artery expands, the clot might move out on its own. That's very creative. Why didn't you mention this before?"
Chase," Well, I didn't think of it before."
House," You should have. [As Chase walks away, House leans back against the wall.]"
Keith, This isn't going to hurt.
Chase, Your eye's numb. You'll only feel pressure. [A second needle enters. CGI shot of the needles in the eye.] Give it a minute. [Keith's vision begins to clear.]
Keith, I can see.
Keith, I can see you.
Pam, I heard! Congratulations. [She leans in to kiss him.]
Keith, Don't. I haven't brushed my teeth in two days. [She kisses him anyway. Aww.]
Pam," Ah, I'm so scared they're not gonna find out what's wrong with you."
Keith, No biggie. I'm fine.
Pam, I feel so bad about this. It's all my fault.
Keith," No. No, it's not."
Pam, But your father. He hates me.
Keith," He's just pissed about his car. [She leans in to kiss him again, but he pushes her back just in time to vomit all over her shirt.]"
Pam," Help, help help! [Dad rushes in.]"
House, What's wrong?
Cameron," AST is 859, we're getting him to the ICU."
Chase," ALT and GDT were in the tank. Our antibiotics ""ì"
House, Would not have caused this.
Dad, She must have given him drugs.
Pam, I wouldn't do that!
House, It's not drugs! His liver is shutting down.
Dad, What? What does that mean?
House, It means he's all better. He's ready to go home.
Dad, What?
House," What do you think it means? You can't live without a liver, he's dying!"
Dad, What is your pRoblem?
House," Bum leg, what's yours?"
Foreman," Hey, we don't have time for this, let's go."
Cameron, His son's dying and you're mocking him?
House, It was a dumb question.
Cameron," No, it wasn't."
House," You're right, it wasn't."
Cameron, Is proving Cuddy wrong worth all this? [She leaves. House has to lean against the wall again.
Foreman," You know, House shouldn't Even be here."
Chase," Because he said something inappropriate? If we sent him home Every time he did that, we wouldn't need this office."
Cameron, He's in pain.
Foreman, What does the Man have to do to piss you off?
Cameron," He's been without pain relief for sEventy hours ""ì"
Foreman," Exactly! He's detoxing, can't you see he's out of his mind?"
House," [walking in] That's what they said about Manson. Do you want to continue talking about me or should we discuss what the liver damage tells us? [No answer.] I was born in a log cabin in Illinois ""ì"
Cameron," Hemolytic anemia doesn't cause liver damage. Add the fact he's coughing blood, you've got three of the indicators of organ-threatening lupus."
House, It's moving too fast. Could be hepatitis-E.
Foreman, There's only been one case of hep-E originating in the US since --
House, Its history. Since he's been in and out of the country four times in the last year!
Cameron, You really think he's got hep-E?
House, No. I think the lupus is way more likely.
Cameron, All right. Then let's start him on IV Cytoxan and plasmapheresis.
House," No, we should rule out hep-E."
Foreman, You just said it wasn't hep-E.
House," I said lupus was way more likely, but if we treat for lupus and it is hep-E."
Chase, He's toast.
House, Exactly.
Cameron, But there isn't a treatment for hepatitis-E. Either he'll get better on his own or he'll continue to deteriorate.
House," Yeah, I went to medical school, too. Start him on solumedrol. (sp?)"
Cameron, If he's got hep-E that's only going to make him worse!
House," Not as much. Goldilocks, people. It won't hurt him so much that it'll kill him, and it won't hurt him so little that we can't tell. It'll hurt him just right. And if it does nothing!"
Chase, We'll know it's not hep-E and start treating him for lupus.
House, Now watch me do it while drinking a glass of water.
Foreman," What do we tell the dad? ""We think your kid has lupus, so we're gonna treat him for hepatitis-E? And oh yeah, if it really is hep-E, we're not actually giving him hep-E medication, so it's gonna make him worse, not better?""ù"
House, You think he'll go for that?
Cameron, So you want us to lie?
House, No. I want you to lie.
Cameron, Why me?
House, Because he trusts you.
Cameron, This is a mistake.
Foreman, This is a lawsuit.
Chase," Hep-E is possible. House always pulls these stunts and he's right more often ""ì"
Foreman, He's delaying treatment because of a one-in-a-million chance that Even he doesn't think is the pRoblem.
Cameron, I don't want to lie to him.
Foreman, Then don't.
Cameron, And get fired?
Chase," Like he's going to fire you, he loves you. [elevator dings]"
Cameron," I've got to do something, the kid needs treatment. [Cameron goes into the elevator, but holds the 'door open' button.]"
Foreman, Treat him for lupus.
Chase, That will get you fired.
Cameron, You really think House is losing it?
Foreman, Yeah. [He leaves.]
Chase, He's fine. He knows what he's doing. [Chase leaves. Cameron stops holding the button and the doors close.]
Cameron, We're recommending a drug called solumedrol.
Dad, For hepatitis? Did that show up on his blood tests?
Cameron, The tests are nEver 100% accurate.
Dad," Well, then all the other tests could be wrong, too. This could still be an infection or cancer."
Cameron," Um, they don't fit any of the most recent symptoms."
Dad," Well, what, just hepatitis does? I know, I know, I know, you can nEver be sure. When Linda was in the hospital, the doctor told us there was this aggressive experimental treatment which might extend her life by two or three years. We figured if there was any hope at all that we could have her with us a little while longer, it would be worth it. 3 weeks later, she was gone."
Cameron, I don't think it's hepatitis. I think your son has lupus.
Wilson, [looking at x-rays of House's hand] I think it's broken. What did you do?
House, Accidentally closed the car door on it.
Wilson, No. Door would have broken the skin. This looks like something hard and smooth smashed it.
House, I want my Lawyer.
Wilson, The brain has a gating mechanism for pain. Registers the most sEvere injury and blocks out the others. Did it work?
House," Well, my hand hurts like hell. Yeah, I feel much better."
Wilson, Huh.
House, Don't splint it. I want to be able to bang it against the wall if I need to administer another dose. Just! tape it up. [Cuddy walks in.]
Cuddy, Why did you tell Cameron to lie to Mr. Foster?
House, [to Wilson] Make it tight will ya.
Cuddy, Answer me.
House," Nothing I could say is going to change how you feel, and nothing could come out of your reaction that is going to change what I plan to do, so I prefer to say nothing."
Cuddy," So, that was you just saying nothing."
House, Uh-huh.
Cuddy, The guy is furious.
House, And scared.
Cuddy," So, what are you going to do? The father's insisting on the lupus treatment."
House," Yeah, Cameron told me and I told her to tell him no."
Cuddy," Well, you can't just sit back and let the kid die."
House, Neither can the father.
Cuddy, So that's your plan? You're gonna play Parkcken with the kid's life?
House," Well, he's the dad. I should win easily."
Cuddy, Take the week off.
House," What, 'cause I lied to a Patient? I take risks, sometimes Patients die. But not taking risks causes more Patients to die, so I guess my biggest pRoblem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math. [Cameron walks in; it's a veritable party in the exam room!]"
Cameron," I told him that you wouldn't treat him for the lupus until ""ì"
House, What did he say?
Cameron, He said he wanted to transfer Keith to another hospital.
Cuddy," He's not stable enough, he'd nEver make it through the door!"
Cameron, That's what I told him.
House, And that's when he caved.
Cameron, Yeah. He agreed to do it your way.
House, Two plus two equals four.
Chase, If it is hepatitis-E we should begin to see a marked decline in liver function tests within the hour.
Dad, Why bother explaining it to me? It's not like I have any choice in the matter.
Cameron, If there's no hep-E we'll start treatment for lupus immediately.
Keith, [looking down] Ouch!
Chase, Keith? What's wrong?
Dad, What's happening?
Keith, Get off!
Chase," Keith? It's Dr. Chase, where does it hurt?"
Keith," Jules, no! [He starts to mimic pushing something off of his chest.]"
Cameron, He's hallucinating. [Chase and Cameron try to keep his arms down.]
Dad, Is this from the medicine?
Chase, We haven't started the medicine.
Cameron," Keith, we're in the hospital. Keith, there's nothing on you."
Dad," Keith, Keith, Keith! [He shakes him slightly, and then strokes his hair.] You okay, buddy?"
Keith, I think I wet the bed.
Chase," Don't worry about it, it's fine. Let's get you up. [They turn him over to find a massive amount of blood on the bed.]"
Dad," Oh, God!"
Cameron, He's had a major bleed. Bright red blood per rectum.
Keith," I didn't mean to, I'm sorry."
Chase," He's going into hypervolemic shock. Pressure's 60, heart rate's 140."
Cameron," We need an angiography, stat!"
Foreman," Angiography rEvealed major upper and lower GI bleeding, sEvere hemodynamic compromise, and liver failure."
Chase," He's also hallucinating. Thinks he's being talked to by someone named ""Jules""ù."
Cameron," Hallucinations are a symptom of psychosis, which is the fourth diagnostic criterion. It's official. This is lupus."
House, Who's Jules? Any mention of her in the medical history?
Cameron," It doesn't matter what he's hallucinating about, it matters why! It's lupus!"
House," There's no need to get snippy. This kind of lupus takes years to get to this point, it's been a week."
Cameron," Yeah, and a 16-year-old kid shouldn't have hemolytic anemia, or be bleeding out of Every orifice, but he is. We had an opportunity to treat this, instead we diddled around with hepatitis-E and now it's too late. He needs a new liver. We screwed up."
House, You're saying I screwed up.
Cameron, Yes.
House, Then why didn't you just say that?
Foreman, You gonna just blame this on her?
House, Did you agree with my recommendation to treat for hep-E?
Cameron," No, I didn't."
Chase, And she made herself quite clear.
House, And then she went and lied to the father. That's why you're angry.
Cameron," Yeah, I trusted you."
House, You always trust me. Big mistake. Lupus is a bad diagnosis.
Chase, It's the best diagnosis we've got.
House, That doesn't make it good.
Foreman," No, it just makes it this kid's only chance to live. [small pause]"
House," Put him on the transplant list. And make sure Cuddy knows, see if she can do anything to get him close to the top. [He stands slowly and walks into his office. Chase and Cameron leave. Foreman waits, and follows House. House, meanwhile, is throwing up in a trashcan. He looks up and sees Foreman.] Cafeteria. Stay away from the sushi."
Foreman, And what happened to your hand?
House, Got stuck in a drawer.
Foreman," Yeah, right. You're going through withdrawal."
House," No, I am going through pain. Pain causes nausea."
Foreman," I took this job to work with you, not cover your ass. [He reaches into his pocket and takes out House's Vicodin, which he puts on the desk.] Your Vicodin."
House, And your solution is to give me drugs. It's interesting.
Foreman," No. Now I'm covering my ass. Take your pills before you kill this kid. [He leaves. House grabs the bottle, opens it with one hand, and spills the pills on the desk. He picks up one pill and!. does he take it? We DON'T KNOW! Argh!]"
Cameron," Lupus is normally treated with medication, but in Keith's case the disease is too advanced."
Dad, Because you lied. Because House wanted to play games with my son's life.
Chase," There's no way to really tell what progression the disease may take ""ì"
Cameron," You're right, and I'm sorry."
Dad, So what do we do?
Cameron, He needs a new liver.
Cuddy," There are over 15,000 Patients on the transplant list."
Foreman, But how Many are about to bleed to death unless they get a new liver?
Cuddy," In Jersey? I'd say, uh, twenty. 2000 Patients die each year because a donor liver can't be found, that's almost five a day."
Foreman, So he's screwed.
Cuddy, I'll see what I can do.
Dad, Could I donate part of my liver?
Chase," Sorry, you're a different blood type."
Dad, So we just wait?
Cameron, I'm afraid so.
Dad," And hope for someone to die. [House walks up, although walk is too jaunty a term. It is evident he didn't take the pills Foreman gave him.]"
House, Who's Jules?
Cameron," Dr. House, you should get back to your office ""ì"
House, Jules. There's no Jules in the history.
Chase, It was a hallucination.
House, Of what?
Dad, Our cat. Does this matter?
Foreman," No, I'm sorry. We'll continue the transfusions and the treatment for the anemia and liver failure while we're waiting for a donor."
Dad, How long can he wait?
Chase, Not long.
House, I don't think this is lupus.
Cameron," I don't think this is lupus. Come on, let's just go ""ì"
House, Your fourth diagnostic criterion of lupus is psychosis; this is just a kid missing his cat.
Chase, He was being attacked by an animal that wasn't in the room. That's psychosis.
House, There's a difference between psychosis and hallucination.
Foreman," So, if he was imagining a fake cat it'd be lupus, but since it was a real cat it's not? Take your damn pills."
House," Psychosis requires ""ì"
Dad, There's no cat! Jules is dead.
House," You have a dead family pet, and you nEver mentioned it? Nice family history."
Cameron," Family history is asking about family members, meaning people related to the Patient. Let's go."
House, How did the cat die?
Dad, Can you get him out of here?
Cameron," Dr. House, come on, let's go ""ì"
House, What happened to the cat?
Pam, [from the waiting area] Old age. She was fifteen years old.
House, When?
Pam, About a month ago?
Dad," Does this have anything to do with ""ì"
House, Where'd she sleep?
Pam, With Keith.
Cameron, This is not a cat allergy.
House, It's not lupus. Where is Jules?
Foreman," Four years of college, four at med school, two years of residency, another four of sub-specialty training, and where do I end up?"
Chase," Talking instead of digging. Come on, the ground's frozen solid. [Foreman starts to help dig. They hit something hard.]"
Foreman, What's that?
Cuddy, Out of the way! [on her cell phone] We have the liver. Prep OR 4.
Anesthesiologist," All right, Keith. Start counting backward from ten."
Keith, Ten! nine! eight! [He's out. The anesthesiologist nods.]
 Hourani," Scalpel. [He's about to cut, when House enters.]"
House, Stop the gases.
Hourani," What the hell are you doing, House?"
House, Saving a sixteen-year-old kid from a lifetime of immunosuppressant drugs and a very nasty scar. This kid doesn't have lupoid hepatitis. He has acute naphthalene toxicity.
Hourani, Naphthalene. You're talking about mothballs.
House," Nope. [holds up tweezers] Termites. They create naphthalene to protect their nests, which I'm assuming is rather large and is inside all four walls of his bedroom at home. [He tosses the tweezers on the surgical equipment.]"
Hourani, And your assumption is based on what?
House, The autopsy I just conducted on his pet cat.
Hourani, Call Cuddy. And security.
House, You are not removing that kid's liver.
Hourani," NOW! [Nurse goes to call. House coughs up some phlegm, and spits it on the surgeon.] Have you completely lost your mind?!"
House," No, but I have been feeling a little sick lately. Achoo!"
Anesthesiologist, There's no way we can do this surgery now.
Hourani, You think?!
Foreman," You've already cost him his liver, don't kill him too!"
House, Why are you so eager to cut into a healthy kid?
Chase, Healthy? He's in the toilet!
House, He just needs some Parkcken soup.
Chase, I'm telling Hourani to re-scrub. We're doing this transplant.
House," No, you're not."
Chase," You said it! If Keith's symptoms had an environmental cause, they would have disappeared as soon as he got here."
Cameron, They've only gotten worse.
House, If the food here wasn't one step below Riker's Island he would've gotten better. He's lost fourteen pounds.
Foreman," Yeah, sure. This is nothing but a dietary thing."
House," Naphthalene is a gas, a fat soluble gas. The kid breathes it in, it gets stored in his fat cells. Outside the hospital his body burned protein and carbs for energy, and the naphthalene stayed in fat. But once the car accident put him in the hospital, and he started losing weight [CGI of Keith's fat cells, full of toxin being freed], his body had to get its energy somewhere else. It started to burn fat. The floodgates opened, the poison poured into his system."
Foreman," So, getting away from the poison is what poisoned him?"
House," Getting him away from his dad's meatloaf is what's killing him. [Cuddy and Keith's dad walk up to House, very quickly.]"
Cuddy," You wanna explain to me why you stopped the surgery? [Keith's dad, beyond words, punches House in the jaw, who then falls to the ground.] N ""ì Oh, my God! My God. [Foreman and Chase run to restrain the dad, Cameron and Cuddy kneel to look at House.]"
Dad, I want him locked up!
Chase," Hey! Take it easy. [House touches his lip, which is bleeding.]"
House," Your cat did not die of old age. He died of massive internal bleeding and acute liver failure caused by naphthalene poisoning, the exact same thing your son has."
Dad," You lie to me, you mess up my son's surgery, and now you expect me to trust you?"
House," Give me twenty-four hours, we'll pump your son full of calories ""ì"
Cuddy, That liver is going to somebody right now.
Dad, We're doing that surgery.
House," [getting up slowly] If you do the surgery, you'll be killing a mother of four."
Cuddy, Father of three.
House, I was guessing.
Dad, Like you are now?
House," Naphthalene poisoning is the best explanation we have for what's wrong with your son. It explains the internal bleeding, the hemolytic anemia, the liver failure! it also predicts what'll happen next. If you do the surgery he's gonna lay on that table for fourteen hours while his body continues to burn fat and release poison into his system. Either way, I did you a favor. He's awake now, you've got a chance to say goodbye. [slight pause]"
Cameron, I think you should trust Dr. House.
Dad, Give the liver to the other guy.
Cameron," INR is down, and his blood count is climbing. It means you made the right call. His liver is healing. He's gonna be just fine. [Dad hugs his son, and Pam grabs Keith's hand. The dad grabs Pam's arm, too, and Everyone is happy."
Wilson, You made it a week.
House, And won my prize.
Wilson, Congratulations.
House, Cuddy's a sucker. I would have done it for two weeks off.
Wilson," Yeah, it was a piece of cake. You learn anything? [They've reached his office door.]"
House," Yeah, I'm an addict. [He goes into his office. Wilson follows.]"
Wilson," Uh, okay."
House, I'm not stopping.
Wilson," There are programs. Cuddy would give you the time. You could get on a different pain Management regimen ""ì"
House, I don't need to stop.
Wilson, You just said!
House," I said I was an addict. I didn't say I had a pRoblem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function."
Wilson, Is that all you want? You have no relationships.
House, I don't want any relationships.
Wilson, You alienate people.
House, I've been alienating people since I was three.
Wilson," Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed in the last few years?"
House," Well, of, of course I have. I've, I've gotten older. My hair's gotten thinner. Sometimes I'm bored, sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I wonder what it all means."
Wilson," No, I was there! You are not just a regular guy who's getting older, you've changed! You're miserable, and you're afraid to face yourself ""ì"
House, [slams his cane down on the shelf] Of course I've changed! [pause]
Wilson, And Everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?
House," They let me do my job, and they take away my pain. [Wilson walks off, looking defeated.]"
Cuddy, How'd it go?
Wilson," He admitted he's addicted to the narcotics ""ì"
Cuddy," Well, admitting you have a pRoblem is the first ""ì"
Wilson, -- and he says it's not a pRoblem. Maybe it's not. What do I know?
Cuddy, What are you going to do?
Wilson, Nothing. I've done enough damage.
Cuddy, Better hope he nEver finds out that that was your idea.
Wilson, He'd nEver beliEve it. [They leave.]
Hank," Are you thinking about taking drugs? Well, think again, because drugs are not the answer. Take it from me, Hank Wiggen. Oh, don't remember this ugly mug? [Catches ball thrown from off-camera] Two years ago, I was a star. [Cut to Bryan Singer with Lola and Warner in the background] I won nine games in a row. But by the end of August I was a goner."
Bryan," Cut, cut! [Runs out to Hank]"
Hank," Not good, huh?"
Bryan," Well, you caught the ball."
Hank, Yeah.
Bryan," Look, I usually don't give line readings, but try this, here, here."
Warner, Hollywood ain't holding its breath.
Lola," Well, they're doing it wrong. I mean, for Hank."
Warner, Tell the director.
Lola, [laughs] I thought I'd give the marriage a few months before I'd go for the meddling wife thing.
Warner," His arm came back day after he hooked up, I say meddle. [Touches his chest suddenly]"
Lola, You okay?
Warner," Just gas. Go help your Man. Give me a little room here to work it out. [Lola leaves, and Warner reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle, dry-swallowing a couple pills. Cut back to Hank.]"
Hank," TAKE it from ME, HANK Wiggen. Like that?"
Bryan, [Looks frustrated] No!
Hank," Hey, sweetheart. [Lola walks up]"
Lola," Hey. Hi, Bryan."
Bryan, Hey.
Lola, You boys having a little trouble with the big speech?
Hank," Yeah, you got any ideas?"
Lola," It's YOUR story. Just be yourself. Drugs were there, you took 'em. Simple. Why'd you get clean?"
Hank, Because I was gonna die.
Lola," And come April, 'cause you're clean, YOU'RE starting, opening day, against the Yanks. [This show Even hates the Yankees! SWEET!]"
Bryan, Try it her way?
Hank," Yeah. [Bryan walks away, Lola follows]"
Lola, Let's start with the 2nd part first. That'll get him in the groove.
Bryan, Okay. [To crew] We'll do the throwing thing first. Everybody wants to direct![Lola walks back over to Hank]
Hank, Warner alright?
Lola," Yeah, he's good. You just bring it, babe. Just tell your story.[Walks back to Warner]"
Warner," Come on, kid! Show 'em what you're gonna give the Yankees!"
Bryan," Alright, action!"
Hank," Oh, God! [Lola and crew runs out to him. Lola puts an arm around his head.]"
Lola," It's gonna be okay, It's gonna be okay."
Wilson, He's got osteopenia. His bones are too thin to fix the arm.
House," [On cell phone] No, price is not a pRoblem if you have what I need. *Click*"
Wilson, Osteo-
House, Young Man?
Wilson, How did you know?
House," Well, if he's an old Man, osteopenia would just be a fact of life, you make him comfortable, send him home, which means you're just boring me. So he's young, which means it's most likely caused by cancer, and you're here because you haven't found it. Have you looked really, really hard?"
Wilson, MRI and PET scan are both negative.
House," Well, how old is he? Maybe the osteopenia is just early onset."
Wilson," [Pulls out a baseball card] Well, let's see. Born 9/21/77."
House," It's Hank Wiggen? [Takes the card and looks at it] He signed it, sweet. [Reads] ""To Jimmy Wilson, the Cy Young of medicine.""ù You ask for that?"
Wilson," I-just the Jimmy part. The bone's too thin to support the kind of surgery that would let him pitch again. But if we figure out what's causing the osteopenia, we can rEverse the bone damage, then do the surgery."
House," Beat the Yankees, and save the free world. [Hands the card to Wilson and goes into his office.]"
Sharon," It was a working dinner. My work, company pays."
Foreman, I-I dunno. I just feel kinda weird after what it turned into.
Sharon," Well, then it stopped being work. [Foreman smiles] You know, if it'll solve your ethics pRoblem [plunks a box of!CONDOMS on the bed!] you can reimburse me for these. What are they, five dollars and fifty-sEven cents, I beliEve? [She comes and stands close to him.] You let me know about Friday?"
Foreman," Mm-hm. [gives her a quick kiss-aww! And she leaves. He puts his tie on, then spots her underwear under the covers. He picks it up, snickers triumphantly and!takes it with him?!]"
Chase," None of the usual suspects! Age isn't right, in apparent perfect health before this incident, MRI and PET scan negative for tumors."
Cameron," Test him again, it's gotta be cancer. [Foreman walks through the door quite suddenly-poof!]"
Foreman, Sorry I'm late. Car broke down on the interstate.
House,"[Checks his watch, then looks back at Foreman skeptically.] Don't beliEve you. [To others] Chem 7 also shows a poor kidney function. Now why would a guy in his twenties have a poor kidney?"
Cameron," Cancer. It first attacks the bones, and then the kidneys."
House," Come on, people. [Pulls out the baseball card] He was 17 and 7! His ERA was 2.1."
Cameron," You want it to be his kidneys, because if it's his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it's cancer, then he'll nEver pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!"
House," My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese. [Chase smirks] He weighed 175 his rookie year."
Cameron, Stop.
House, Now he's 195 after playing a year in Japan. Why?
Cameron, He let himself go.
Foreman," Steroids! I mean, the guy was a drug user, I'm sure he wouldn't have balked at pumping up through chemicals."
Chase, That'd explain the weight gain. And the kidney pRoblems.
House," And the bone loss. Go ask him what he's on. When he says nothing, have him pee in a cup. [Chase leaves, and House turns his attention to Foreman.] If your car breaks down, you're an hour late, not two minutes. And two minutes isn't late enough to use a clEver excuse like car trouble."
Foreman, I was coming in early.
House," Huh. Unprompted lies, that's a bad sign. Either a guilty conscience or something personal's going on. [Foreman sits down with his coffee] See, that's all you had to do, Just walk in, sit down, do your job. [Leaves]"
Hank," No, no, I nEver took them."
Chase, We're gonna need a urine sample.
Hank," Oh no, you don't trust me. [To Lola] Baby, I'm worried about taking this morphine."
Lola," You're in pain, the doses are monitored. It's not a slip. Besides, opiates weren't your thing."
Hank, They should've been. Woah!
Chase, Mr. Wiggen? The urine sample.
Hank," I wanna say no, so I am. No."
Lola, Trust is a big issue in early recovery. He really did gain the weight honestly.
Chase, If you say so. [Moves to the other side of the room]
Hank, You're not getting it. [Chase sits down] [To Lola] He thinks I'm an idiot.
Chase," He sure does. [Smiles, and points to the catheter bag that is collecting urine from Hank.]"
Cameron, Should we save the sample? Dr. Sportsfan can put it in Lucite and hang it around his neck. [smirks]
Foreman," Hey, Friday night? Can you cover for me?"
Cameron," I think so. [Foreman grins triumphantly] Oh, Friday. No, I'm sorry, I have to go to that oncology thing-that seminar."
Foreman, Oh.
Cameron, What's going on?
Foreman, Dinner with the!drug rep. Casting pharmaceuticals.
Cameron," Arnie? Claims he has 500 Lawyer jokes, only tells one?"
Foreman, Uh!new guy.
House," You need cash?!Ah, no, I, I don't have that much on me!No no, it's not a pRoblem. No, I'll be over by 6. 'Kay. *Click* [To receptionist] 5 p.m., Dr. House checks out."
Cuddy, It's 4:45.
House, I was rounding up.
Cuddy," Carol Moffett, please see Dr. House in Exam Room 1. [Woman gets to her feet with difficulty.]"
House," Whoa, whoa, not so fast, Kathy."
Carol, It's Carol. [House comes over]
House," Ah. [checks watch] Uh, trouble with the leg? [Carol nods, House spots a bridal magazine in her purse] When's the wedding?"
Carol, This Saturday.
House," Not much time to fit into that pretty dress, and no time for practical shoe-shopping. You're running two miles a day further than you should be."
Carol, [rubs her calf] It hurts right here-
House," New shoes, less miles, and ex-nay on the afternoon Cokes, you're gonna look beautiful. [Looks at the next guy] What's wrong with you?"
Man, I can't get my contact lenses out-
House,[leans close] Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Man, But they're red.
House, That's because you're trying to remove your corneas. [walks over to next Man] What's wrong with you?
Dentist," Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that-"
House," Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here."
Dentist," Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation- [Cuddy comes over to House]"
House, And?
Cuddy, Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters-
House," Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee! [to dentist] You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's pRobably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12. [moves to the next victim] Who's left?"
Student," I can't see!Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks pointedly at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit prof. told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note."
House," Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off. [he observes the clock, which reads 4:47, and walks through the door.]"
Cameron, Dr. House! [she and Foreman catch up to House] He tested negative for steroids.
Foreman," Elevated beta 2 proteins, though, could be cancerous. Amyloidosis, or lymphoma."
House, Or steroids. You guys got any money on you?
Cameron," He tested negative for steroids. I, um, I have a couple 20s on me. [reaches into her pocket]"
House, 50 of them? [Cameron looks shocked] Foreman?
Foreman," The fat pad biopsy and abdominal CT scan were negative for the cancers, but-"
House," Well, that just leaves us with steroids!"
Cameron, He tested negative for steroids.
House, Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use. But there's one thing they can't hide![checks his watch and walks past Ducklings 1 and 2.]
House, Hi. I'm Dr. House. [walks over to Hank's bed] And this is the coolest day of my life. [With an Even bigger grin!he whips the covers off Hank's bed!] See? Steroid use shrinks the testicles. [The Ducklings look rather embarrassed]
Hank," [pulls the covers back on] I am clean, Man, no steroids, no nothing."
House," Your lips say no, your prunes say yes. Hypogonadism. Isn't that a great word? Thanks, we don't get to say it nearly enough. [To Cameron] Start him on Lupron right away. [Walks out the door.]"
House," These freaks are willing to defile themselves for mass entertainment, for money. I feel sorry for them. [Pops a Vicodin. Lola runs after him]"
Lola," He drops a clean urine, denies using steroids, then you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?"
House," !No, no, it's not. It-it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. [Lola looks skeptical] Basically, on a molecular lEvel, it's just milk. [Lola looks satisfied and walks back to the room. House looks at Foreman.] How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?"
Cuddy, You put him on Lupron.
House, Uh-huh.
Cuddy," And, you told them it was like milk."
House, Yes.
Cuddy, Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House," [thinks for a moment] It's creAmy. But, I had 3 reasons."
Cuddy, Good ones?
House," Well, we'll see in a minute, I'm just making them up now!He lied to me first."
Cuddy, Your mother did teach you 2 wrongs don't make a right.
House," If he lies to me about not taking steroids, then I lie to him about not treating steroids, he's cured. Adds up for me-"
Cuddy, Second reason.
House," If I told him the truth, he wouldn't have taken the stuff."
Cuddy," And if he told you the truth, what would this stuff do to him?"
House, !SEvere respiratory pRoblems.
Cuddy, Third reason.
House, I wanted to eliminate the placebo effect.
Cuddy, Excellent! [walks over to her desk] You and your Lawyer can write a paper.
House, Which brings me to my fourth reason.
Cuddy, I thought you said there were only three. [sits down]
House, I thought you'd buy one of them.
Cuddy, Seriously?
House, He's not gonna sue.
Cuddy," Because his Lawyer is a nice guy, who realizes it's unfair to blame us for ruining this kid's hundred million-dollar career."
House," Good guess, but no. If the Lupron causes respiratory pRoblems, it means he's not on steroids, which means there's something else wrong with him. And the choices, for that something else, are almost universally very bad. [Ooh, serious.]"
House," Osteopenia messing his bones up. Hypogonadism. Impaired liver function, kidney function, and!we have Managed to find the only professional athlete in the galaxy who is not on steroids. AND it's not cancer. So, what's killing him? [looks up as Foreman enters!late again.] Who shares my suspicions that the Yankees were somehow involved?"
Cameron, Shrunken testicles indiCate his body's not putting out enough testosterone.
House," [glances at Foreman and checks his watch] Throw out the lungs, that was the Lupron, my fault. Don't worry, I'll send him a nice note."
Foreman," What about something environmental? Arsenic, mercury, the symptoms could indiCate-"
House," Pretty small environment. Wife's fine, no one else is sick."
Chase," If you throw out the kidneys, Everything else adds up. The testicles, the bones, the impaired liver function, could all be caused by a breakdown of his adrenal glands."
House," Addison's disease, I like it. Mainly of course, because the treatment is!"
Cameron,[rolls her eyes] Steroids.
House, Enough irony for all of us.
Foreman," Treatment would cause him to retain fluid. With the kidneys almost shut down already, he'll die."
House," Well, we'll get him a new kidney. [Cameron looks surprised]"
Foreman, Your theory is that Addison's is causing all the symptoms except for the kidney pRoblems. What's causing the kidney pRoblems?
House," Cameron, if you could make an ironic guess right about now?"
Cameron, He tested nega-
Chase, Negative for steroids. [grins]
House," Agreed. He's not on steroids now. If he was on them anytime in the last five years, it could've caused the kidney damage."
House," You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cuz kidneys can't tell time. Steroid damage could take years."
Lola, [shakes her head] No steroids. How Many times does he have to tell you?
House, I don't know. How Many times did he lie about cocaine before coming clean with the league?
Hank, That is completely different.
House," Oh, that's right, I remember. You nEver did come clean. The league was out to get you, they faked the blood tests, you had to get yourself a Lawyer-"
Lola," If Hank says he nEver used steroids, that's the truth."
House," That's too bad. Because our theory is that the kidney damage is caused by A, and Everything else is caused by B. The beauty of this theory is that we can treat A and B. But if you add the kidney symptoms back into the mix, then we are looking at another letter altogether, one that is apparently not in the alphabet. Can't fix the bones, no more baseball, no more breathing!no more brain function."
Lola, Get another explanation.
House, Okay. Yeah. Think I've got one in my other pants. [starts to leave]
Hank," Hold on. [House turns around] Five years ago, Bangor, Maine. My pitParkng coach had me on something, I nEver knew what it was."
House, And you nEver tried too hard to find out either.
Hank," I gained 12 pounds of muscle in like, 4 weeks. [To Lola, who looks troubled] I'm sorry, baby."
Warner, How you doin' Doc?
House," Good. Very good, yeah."
Cuddy, You want me to put Hank Wiggen on the transplant list.
House, He needs a new kidney. I was thinking the kidney people might have some.
Cuddy," Well, they like to save them for people who have-how do I put this- kidney pRoblems."
House," He's a professional ballplayer, brings joy to millions. Do you really want to be known as the hospital that sent him home to die? [Puts a fist down on some papers on her desk]"
Cuddy," That's a great idea, we can be the hospital that killed two people. The guy who deserved the kidney, and the ballplayer we bumped up the list when we weren't Even sure what was wrong with him."
House, Everything else is related to the Addison's.
Cuddy, The test for Addison's was inconclusive.
House, The test for Addison's is always inconclusive.
Cuddy, Why do we do it at all? We should just ask you. [tries to take a paper from under House's fist; he doesn't budge. She gives him an irritated look.]
House," You're not putting him on the list. [Moves his hand, Cuddy takes paper]"
Cuddy, Your powers of deduction are breathtaking.
House, You take a perverse pleasure at turning me down.
Cuddy," It's what I live for. Once in a while, though, try to ruin my day. Ask me something I can say ""yes""ù to. [House leaves]"
House," Oh, I'm sorry Doctor, I didn't know you were busy. Want me to come back?"
Lola, Is he on the list?
House, No. [walks over to her]
Lola, Then I'm giving him one of mine.
House, !Okay.
Lola, You're not gonna tell me it's a bad idea? Why give a kidney to someone who might not be able to use it?
House," Not my area. That is, howEver, my chair."
Lola, [gets up] When do we do it? [House sits down]
House," Very noble gesture. My favorite kind-dramatic, yet completely empty. The chances of non-identical twins being a match-"
Lola, Do you live alone?
House, You writing a book?
Lola," I made it a question just because it's more polite. You got a big ""Keep Out""ù sign stapled on your forehead."
House," That explains it, I told them to put it on my door."
Lola," Even if real huMan contact is something you don't have or Even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people."
House, Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France-high school sweethearts-they're trading brains.
Lola, We're a match. Run your tests. [leaves]
Foreman," Hey. The lab call, is she a match?"
Cameron, Haven't heard yet.
Chase," You got a text message, though. Friday night-very cryptic."
Foreman, Gee!thanks for checking. Can you cover for me?
Chase, Oncology seminar. Friday night the same thing as the car trouble?
Foreman, I HAD car trouble.
Chase, House says you were lying. I beliEve him.
Foreman, !What's that? You got a little wet smudge at the end of your nose!
Chase," Hey, I like the guy. He says what he wants, does what he wants."
Foreman, He won't talk to anyone unless he can jerk them around.
Chase, Or needs a thousand bucks. [Foreman laughs] What is with that?
House," I scored. [holds up an envelope] It's a brave new world, Doc, and we are at the cutting edge. You are looking [Wilson pulls the envelope open!and his jaw drops to his knees!] at two all-access passes to Paradise itself!"
Wilson,[finally shuts his mouth] How much?
House," True cost, no Man can say."
Wilson, Could that Man's accountant say?
House, One thousand dollars. Friday night-the biggest official monster truck jam in the history of New Jersey!
Wilson," [looks horrified] Okay, please tell me you didn't just say Friday night."
House," WhatEver you've got, you cancel."
Wilson, I-I can't do it!
House," Listen, they only give these tickets to owners. [Wilson is stuttering like an idiot] Anytime. We wanna be in the middle of the track, we're in the middle of the track. These tickets are so good!we have to sign a release. I mean it. We do this, we could die."
Wilson," I've got the oncology thing! I-I!The rectal cancer lecture, they booked me a year ago! I-I-I-I-I can't get out, there's no way out!"
House," [looks disappointed, then turns away] Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends. [gets up as Wilson snorts in disbelief, and he turns around.] What, you're saying I've only got one friend?"
Wilson," Uh, and who!?"
House," [thinks a moment] Kevin, in Bookkeeping."
Wilson," Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl."
House," I call him Kevin. It's a secret ""friendship club""ù name."
Chase, It's hookers.
Cameron," Oh, my God!"
Foreman," Multiple hookers! But House is House, right? He's gotta have his way. Four or five of 'em. [Cameron looks disgusted]"
Cameron, That's not Even funny!
Foreman," [quietly] What, you don't think he has sex?"
Cameron," No, of course he-"
Chase," Of course not, he doesn't have sex, he makes love! [Cameron can't help laughing]"
Cameron, I didn't say that. [Foreman's phone rings]
Foreman, It's the lab. [answers it] Dr. Foreman.
Lola," If you have the results, I'd like you to talk to both of us. If you don't, wait for me to-"
House," BeliEve me, I'd much rather be with your better half. And by better half, of course, I mean the one who struck out Sammy Sosa on three pitches and talks a lot less. But I thought I would talk to you first, and alone. [picks up a folder and opens it] I got your results back from the lab!you DO match."
Lola," [looks shocked] I, I do? [House nods, and Lola looks happy and reliEved.]"
House," You're also pregnant. [Lola gasps, and tears fill her eyes; a smile spreads wide across her face; House watches her reaction carefully.] You can't be a donor. [Lola looks at him, confused] Not in your current condition. [She swallows hard, and Manages a weak smile. A single tear spills down her face.]"
Lola, Um![wipes the tear away] Excuse me!I have to go talk to my husband. [gets up and walks quickly into Hank's room; House shuts the folder and watches her leave.]
Foreman, Heart looks good. We can schedule the transplant.
Hank, No transplant. Lola's not gonna have an abortion.
Foreman," [unhooking wires from Hank's chest] Actually, your wife just told me that she was making an appointment."
Hank," Well, I don't care what she said."
Foreman, [stops and looks at him] I think you two need to discuss this further-
Hank, We've been trying to get pregnant almost since we met.
Foreman," Well, it's your wife's decision whether or not she-"
Hank," She wants to trade a Parkld for a kidney, that's murder! I'm not gonna let her do that."
Cameron, Foreman says we've got a pRoblem with the transplant.
House," [walks over to the bookshelf and shuffles through it] If she terminates the pregnancy, he's not going to let himself die on principle."
Cameron, !Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
House," [turns around and gives her a piercing look] Please tell me I don't have to decide. [Cameron looks hurt, and House lays off the sarcasm a little] Depends, how long would they live?"
Cameron, Is this a pragmatic question for you?
House," Fifty years, no pRoblem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is sEven years, eight months, and 14 days."
Cameron, [quietly] I couldn't do it.
House, You found religion.
Cameron, Do you have to be religious to beliEve a fetus is a life?
House," There seems to be a correlation. [Cameron looks away; House watches her for a moment then looks away, eyes darting about awkwardly.] I'm, uh![he fiddles with the books a moment] Do you like monster trucks?"
Cameron, !I don't know what they are. [SERIOUSLY?!]
House," !Right. [he looks down for a moment] I got two tickets. [Cameron looks at him, puzzled] Friday night."
Cameron, You asking me to go with you?
House, Sure. Sounds good.
Cameron, Like a!date?
House," Exactly. Except for the ""date""ù part. [She stares at him, shocked speechless. He turns away quickly, embarrassed.] Forget it. [starts to walk to the computer desk]"
Cameron," No, I-I was gonna go to the oncology dinner!"
House," 'Course, you have to hear Wilson's lecture. [sits down]"
Cameron," No. I just found out he canceled like, two weeks ago. [House's expression changes to shock; he leans back in the chair and registers this. Meanwhile, Cameron comes to the door frame.] So![she makes a weird face] what do we wear?"
Chase," Still with us, Hank?"
Hank, [groggily] Yeah. My chest feels funny!
Hank, Where's Lola!?
Chase," [to Foreman] 10 units of insulin sub q, an IV push (didn't catch it)-"
Nurse," It's still dropping. [Well, duh.]"
Foreman, Why's his potassium up?
Chase, [presses his stethoscope against Hank's chest] Damned if I know.
Foreman, [mutters something] We've got to suck the potassium out of him. We gotta get his heart rate down.
Nurse, Need a crash cart! [Chase empties something into Hank's mouth]
Foreman, It's definitely not Addison's.
Chase, [glancing at the monitor] It's not steroids either.
Cameron," His heart rate is 130 and rising, like a Randy Johnson line drive."
House, [thinks a moment] A for effort.
Cameron," There's no point in doing the transplant. Even if he was stable enough, it's obvious that we have no idea what's wrong with him!"
Chase," First it's too high, and now it's too low?"
Foreman, His heart's not responding to the atropine.
Cameron, Heart rate's down to 40.
House, I thought it was up.
Cameron, Now it's down. Last time he went out at 35.
Lola, What's wrong? [they enter Hank's room]
House, I have no idea. [To Chase] Hit him with the atropine (sp?) before he gets to 35 again.
Foreman, We've already given him 3 ml. [Chase uncaps another IV]
House," Apparently, that's not enough."
Chase, We can't stabilize his heart rate.
House, What did you do to him?
Chase, Kayexalate.
Foreman, His pulse was through the roof. So is his potassium.
Chase, It wouldn't do this.
House," But something did. [He sighs, and heads for the door] Call me when he's stable!or dead. [leaves]"
Warner," I remember the first time. You weren't Even supposed to be pitParkng that day. I'd flown all the way to Tokyo to watch this kid, and he gets tossed for arguing a call in the first inning. Ah, your pitches!perfect. Ball seemed to go faster than your arm. It was like the rules didn't apply, like physics couldn't slow you down. [he smiles at the memory] Goddamn, it was beautiful. [Hank's eyes open, just slightly.]"
Hank," Hey, Warner. [Warner looks at him, surprised, then breaks into a big grin.]"
Warner," Hey, kid. How ya feelin'?"
Hank," [softly] I hurt. My arm, my head!Everywhere."
Warner," [nods] They must have dialed down the morphine. That's just wrong, you're in pain. Hey [reaches into his pocket and pulls out some pills] I got something for ya. [holds them out to Hank, who looks as surprised as a sEverely tired person can look]"
Hank, No!
Warner, A doc in St. Louis gave 'em to me for a migraine.
Hank," I'm an addict, I-I can't take that."
Warner, Even Lola was okay with the morphine. This stuff's just a little stronger. Go on.
Hank," I'll just try one, Warner. [As House is watParkng, Wilson comes in. House glances at him, then continues watParkng Hank.]"
House," Three more symptoms. Heart rate up, heart rate down, now he's hallucinating."
Hank, !You gotta promise not to tell Lola!
Wilson, He's not just dreaming?
House, No REM. He's actually awake.
Wilson, Drugs?
House," Not psychedelics, not with the heart symptoms."
Wilson," All hallucinations would point to digitalis. It would also mess up his heart. But, he's not on it, and why would he take it?"
House, !Yeah. Pithy analysis. [gets up] I can see why they asked you to speak at the cancer dinner. I'm sorry I'm gonna miss it.
Wilson, I'm sorry about the monster trucks.
House," No, I think it's great. You're!giving back. [starts out the door]"
Wilson," The only thing is![House stops and turns around] the digitalis!it would only explain the later symptoms, not the original ones. [Turns to look at House. He thinks about this, and nods slightly to Wilson.]"
Warner," Sure, it's got a lotta movement, pRoblem is Everybody sees the movement. Yer throwing yer curve ball, like yer throwing a curve ball. [he turns to the player] Deception, that's it. [he suddenly spots House, who is sitting a few rows over.] Same motion, less movement, so it won't come back at ya. [moves away and sits down next to House] How'd you get in here?"
House, Spoke Spanish. Told them I was the new shortstop from the Dominican.
Warner, How's Hank doin'?
House," Lousy. [he studies Warner's hands with a keen interest] Around your fingernails, that swelling, it's called clubbing. Hippocrates noticed that a lot of his friends who also had that, tended to frequently grab their chests and die."
Warner," Yeah, I got a heart condition. What's wrong with Hank?"
House, What do you take for it?
Warner, Digitalis. [GASP!]
House," Got 'em with you? [Warner reaches into his coat pocket, pulling out a half-empty/half-full bottle.]"
Warner, That's weird. I just filled this prescription a couple days ago. There's another bottle here. [searches through his pockets.]
House, Don't bother. [Warner stops and looks at him.] Hank Wiggen stole your pills. He tried to kill himself. [Warner stares at House. House stares right back. STARING CONTEST!]
House," So what happened? He left the bottle open, while he went to get some water? Next time, just take the whole bottle."
Hank," [shaking his head slowly] Hey Man, you got no right-"
House," See, people remember how Many they've got. Date's right on the label, number of pills, regular person can do the math. But a junkie doesn't have to. It's how Many pills he's got left, that's all he's thinking about. Bought a big insurance policy?"
Hank, [laughs bitterly] This isn't about the money.
House," Not for you, no. Most reputable stores won't cash your checks after you're dead. But for Lola-well, girls like that, they're all about the money-"
Hank," Don't you say that. She already saved my life. I was dead in Japan and she brought me back, Everything since then, that's gravy, it's more than I deserve."
House, You owe her.
Hank, Everything.
House," [nods] So, the attempted suicide, the scaring her to death, that's-what is that, that's-gratitude? Love? Yeah, I get that. [Hank stares at the ceiling] We'll take out what you did to yourself yesterday, we're back to the kidneys and the bones. [as he stands up, he sets his cane down near Hank's urine bag.] I'm scheduling the transplant. [turns to leave, but Hank lashes out suddenly, grabbing House's coat. House stumbles against the urine bag, and his pants get drenched!eeeew! He looks down at his pants in disgust and anger.] NEveR visit a Patient."
Hank," I want that baby! [House fixes him with a cold glare] Even if I'm gone, that's a piece of me, and Lola. Breathing. Walkin' around town. Goin' to baseball games. [releases House's coat] If there's any more transplant talk from you, or Lola, or anybody else!I won't screw it up this time. I'll take myself out for good. [House's glare melts into defeat]"
House," [nods slowly] I'll start treating the Addison's, which will most likely destroy what's left of your kidneys-"
Hank, Fine. Start the treatment.
Wilson, Hey. [he looks down at House's pants questioningly]
House, [irritatedly] Hank Wiggen peed on me. What d'you think these pants are worth on eBay?
Wilson," I've got some big-boy diapers in my office, the rep. hands them out like candy."
House, Is it that bad?
Wilson, [sarcastically] No! Not if you like the smell of urine-
House," 'Course, why should I trust someone who lies about what he's doing Friday night? [stops to face Wilson] Question is, what are you really doing Friday night? Or more to the point, what could possibly be better than monster trucks? Or are we breaking up? [turns to enter his office. Wilson lets out a long sigh, then follows House inside. House is rummaging through his duffel bag.]"
Wilson," !Stacy's coming into town this weekend, we're having dinner. Just!catParkng up."
House," I definitely had pants here. [turns to face Wilson] Wait a second, is that Stacy the Stripper? I heard she's playing Atlantic City."
Wilson," No, Stacy the Constitutional Lawyer. [House looks mildly surprised for a second]"
House, You thought I couldn't handle this news. [Wilson's eyes fall to the floor and he nods. House turns his attention to the bag] You talk to her a lot?
Wilson, No. It's been a long time. [House continues staring at the bag] If you don't want me to see her-
House," What is this, eighth grade? [looks at Wilson] I'm fine."
Wilson, !It's fine if you're upset-
House, [suddenly] No! It's![zips the bag quickly and controls his voice] I have no right to be upset. You two are friends. [looks back at Wilson calmly] You should see her. Say hi for me.
Wilson, So!you're okay.
House," [tosses the bag under his desk] I'm not the cancer doctor who's lying about the cancer dinner. [takes his cane off the desk] I'm not the one who's betraying all those!bald-headed dying kids. [Wilson smirks, and House heads out the door] I'm gonna go get some pants, I stink."
Lola, You're treating him for Addison's and you don't think it's gonna work?!
House, He tried to kill himself.
Lola," I know. He's confused. We can have another baby, I can make him understand that. I'm having an abortion. We do the trans-"
House, No.
Lola, [indignantly] I can make decisions about my body.
House, And he can make decisions about his. He doesn't want your kidney. [Lola looks shocked and upset]
Lola, So!he'll die?
House, !PRobably.
House," If you keep that appointment, he'll also pRobably die. [Lola sobs into his shoulder] Keep the baby. [He reaches up and awkwardly pats her shoulder. He makes a face as the smell of the urine meets his nose.]"
House," !Are you just being polite? [She pulls away from him, confused] See, my pants are![gestures to his leg]"
Lola," Oh, they're all wet. [House looks at her, puzzled]"
House," !You can't smell that? [she shakes her head, and he looks intently at her, processing this.]"
Cameron," Think she'll abort anyway, try to force his hand?"
Chase," No, she's not gonna risk losing him. [he looks at her and chuckles]"
Cameron, [gives him a strange look] That's funny?
Chase," N-no, the monster trucks? House asking you, that's!that's funny."
Cameron," I was the first person he ran into, he just!asked me."
Chase," Yeah, like a date! [Oooh, someone's jealous!]"
Cameron," Exactly. Except for the ""date""ù part. [Chase chuckles again. Sharon comes over, toting a glass of wine.]"
Sharon," If the Patient decides to go the dialysis route, we got some product you should check out. [smiles as Foreman sits down] Hey, Dr. Foreman."
Chase, Courtesy of the generous Sharon and the good folks at Casting Pharmaceuticals.
Sharon, I was just telling the guys about the Bermuda conference in April.
Cameron," Three days of sun and scuba, and one hour of lecture. [House suddenly comes out of nowhere and walks up to the table]"
Chase," [laughing] Oh God, do we have to go to the lecture?"
House," [looking down at Sharon] So, you're the new Arnie."
Sharon," Dr. House. It's, uh, good to see you. [Foreman glares at House]"
House," Would you get me a coffee? Black, no sugar. [Sharon smiles, confused, and leaves the table. House sits down, turns his attention to the Ducklings.] Okay, so who is it? [The Ducklings look confused] Come on, she's sleeping with one of you. [Chase snorts, and House looks hopefully at Cameron] Oh God, please tell me it's you. [Cameron looks shocked]"
Cameron, She buys lunches! She doesn't-
House," Don't worry, you're not gay!you're adventurous! [Ducklings roll their eyes]"
Chase, You think she's gonna prostitute herself? The three of us are that important to her?
House," I'm afraid not, no. The groupies sleep with the roadies in order to get to Mick."
Foreman, And!you're Mick?
House,"[eating off Sharon's plate] That was the metaphor I was making, yes."
Foreman, Why are you here?
House,"[studies Foreman a moment] Damn, it's you. [All eyes on Foreman, how embarrassing!] It's not Addison's. New symptom: the inability to smell."
Foreman," I was just in Hank's room, and he said it smelled like the men's room at Veteran's Stadium. He was right."
House," We rejected environmental causes because the wife was healthy. Well, she's not. Last six months, she can't smell a thing. If you think of them as one single Patient, add her symptoms to his![Chase nods]"
Chase, Cadmium poisoning.
House, It explains Everything. Even why they had so much trouble getting pregnant.
Cameron, How could they have gotten exposed to that much cadmium?
Foreman," Unless they were eating steel and batteries for breakfast. [Chase is thinking, watch out!]"
House," So, where else is cadmium?"
Foreman," Some foods, polluted groundwater, we should check their home-"
Chase, I think I know how it happened.
Chase, I'm gonna need another urine sample.
Lola, What for-
Hank," [resignedly] Sure, whatEver you want."
Chase, [looks at him suspiciously] Why wouldn't you give it to me before but now it's no pRoblem?
Hank," I'm dyin', right?"
Chase," So you've got nothing to lose this time. Begs the question![walks over to Hank] what were you worried about last time? [Lola looks down at Hank, confused] The funny thing is, when we tested you before, we were just looking for steroids. [Looking directly at Hank] What should we look for now, Hank?"
Lola, [slowly realizes] Hank? [moves away from him slightly] What's the story?
Chase," A little weed Every now and then when no one was looking? [Lola walks over to the window, shocked]"
Lola, I don't beliEve this. We quit.
Chase," You did. If you'd kept going, you wouldn't have just lost your sense of smell."
Hank," No, I quit the hard stuff. [Lola looks skeptical] I just needed to relax."
Chase," Based on the symptoms, you're a lot more than a social user."
Lola, [bitterly] So you've been lying to me all this time.
Hank, !I'm sorry.
Chase," There must've been cadmium in the soil where the marijuana was grown. Some people get bone loss, kidney failure, some people's testes shrink, and some people lose their sense of smell. We'll start treating it right away. You should be fine by opening day. Baseball's in the summer, right?"
Lola," [panicking] It didn't hurt the baby, did it? The cadmium?"
Chase," If you've been clean, the baby should be fine."
Lola, Okay. [Chase moves to the other end of the room. Hank stares at Lola desperately]
Hank," Please. I'll stop Everything, I'll-I'll go to meetings Every day! [Lola stares into the distance] Lola."
Lola, [stares at him determinedly] Twice a day.
Cuddy, How'd the ballplayer doing?
House, Much better.
Cuddy, Too bad about his career.
House, What d'you mean?
Cuddy, Major League Baseball's collective bargaining agreement requires medical reports on all treatment. Given Hank's history he's not likely to get much leniency. [stops outside of her office]
House, Why should they care that he's being treated for Addison's?
Cuddy, [suspiciously] You're not treating him for Addison's!
House, My report says I am.
Cuddy, You're lying on the report?!
House," Everybody does stupid things, it shouldn't cost them Everything they want in life."
Cuddy," [hesitantly] No, it shouldn't, but it usually does. [A smile crosses her face] On the other hand, it means someone can actually beat the Yankees. [enters her office, and House leaves]"
Sharon," So what about House, any way to get him down there?"
Foreman, You really wanna!talk about work?
Sharon," No. Not at all![stares into his eyes. Ugh, mushy XP]"
Cameron, That was amazing!
House," I'm telling you, Gravedigger nEver disappoints. [Cameron sees a couple pass by, arms around each other.]"
Cameron, You Ever been married?
House," [quietly] Well now, let's not ruin a lovely night out by getting personal."
House," I lived with someone for a while. [Looks down at his empty cotton candy cone, then at Cameron's] You gonna finish that?"
Cameron, I'll race you to the car!
Tommy," It's all about the tongue, Man. You stick it in their mouth. [Tommy demonstrates ""ì in the air ""ì while saying his next line.] Not all the way."
Gabe, [the younger of the two] They like that?
Tommy," Dude, they love it. [They reach the gated entryway, which Tommy starts to climb over.]"
Gabe, What're you doing?
Tommy," Climbing. [He drops over on the other side of the fence.] Just deep enough to lick her teeth. Slow, one at a time. Like you're painting them. [walking away, towards the House] This girl, Rachel? She's a junior, she's experienced."
Gabe, Mom says I gotta be home by five!
Tommy," Just Parkll, okay, and hop the fence before someone sees you! [Gabe starts to climb over as Tommy retriEves the key from under the doormat and opens the door.]"
Gabe, Are you sure this is okay?
Tommy," Dave's mom's a realtor. If it's for sale, and empty, it's a clubHouse. And if you say anything, you're dead. I told them you were cool. These are very serious dudes."
Dave," [smoking something suspicious] Cub scout meeting's down the street, boys. [Gabe enters, and trips and falls on the floor.]"
Tommy," Gabe's cool, Man. He's one of us."
Dave," He better be. [Other kid hands Gabe and Tommy suspicious bottles, or tries to.]"
Gabe, Uh! I'm not thirsty. What's this? [points to Ouija board]
Other kid," Club business, little Man."
Dave, [glaring] Put your hands on.
Other kid," Oh, dark spirit! Will any of us die in the year to come? [The little pointer thing moves to ""yes""ù.] Gabe backs away."
Gabe, You're moving it!
Dave, Put your hands back. Now. [Gabe does.]
Other kid," Who among us will die? [The pointer moves, and the kid says out the letters.] G! A!"
Gabe," Oh, Man."
Other kid, B!. E.
Dave, Gabe.
Other kid, That blows.
Sarah, That's it. We're going to the hospital.
Gabe," No, Mom. I'm too tired."
Sarah," [leaving the room] Come on, sweetie! You've had a fEver for almost a week now. [Gabe gets up, but falls on the floor, hitting his head. Sarah rushes back in.] Oh, my God! Gabe! Are you okay? Baby, what's wrong?"
Gabe, [breathing heavily] I'm dying.
Cuddy," Male, spiking fEver, congested chest and coughing up green sputum, pain in breathing ""ì"
House," Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia, nuMania?"
Cuddy, But his X-ray and CT scan show an atypical pattern for pneumonia.
House," Pneumonia! That's it. Just a guess here, but are his parents big donors?"
Cuddy, No infiltrate! Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.
House," Tiny unicorns goring his bronParkal tubes would be cooler. And the way you're ignoring my question! wow, they're extremely big donors."
Cuddy," He's not responding to cefuroxime, his pulsox is dropping much faster than it should for pneumonia, and plus, he's got an odd little rash."
House," Excessive irritation. He's 12, he's on auto-stroke ""ì"
Cuddy," On his arm. Papular lesion, one centimeter, on top of a long thin scab."
House," Ah, you need a dermatologist. If it's dry, keep it wet, if it's wet, keep it dry, if it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I nEver could master all of that. [House finds what he's been looking for ""ì a Vicodin.] There you are. Were you scared? It's okay. You're home now. [He takes it.]"
Cuddy, Fine.
House," Cuddy. As a special favor to you ""ì"
Cuddy," No! Admit it, I got you with the rash."
House," The rash is a total snooze. [takes the chart] Unless it's connected to the pneumonia, then it's party time."
House," Purulent sputum, dyspnea, bronPark bilaterally. What causes this kind of rash?"
Chase, Legionnaire's disease?
Cameron," Usually means industrial ventilation systems, convention centers. He's twelve years old."
House, Send off a urine antigen and check if he's joined the Elks. Next?
Cameron, Fungal.
House, Excellent. Maybe the lodge went spelunking.
Foreman, ChlAmydia and pneumonia.
Cameron, Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
House, Their mistake. That's it? Other possibilities?
Chase, What if you're thinking about this backwards?
House," The rash came first, caused the pneumonia. Nice."
Chase," Rickettsial. Tick bites. Nymphal ticks are out now, they're bloodthirsty little bastards."
Foreman, Rash would be more pustular.
Chase," Not always. And there's only one rash, which fits."
Cameron," New Jersey, it's most likely Lyme disease."
House, All right. Let's keep him on fluids and cefuroxime to be safe. And biopsy that rash. And take another history. Even if we don't learn what's causing this we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action. [His team leaves.]
Jeffrey, What are you doing now?
Cameron, We're collecting fluids from the rash.
Jeffrey, Why?
Sarah," They know what they're doing, Jeffrey."
Jeffrey," Oh, great endorsement coming from the Woman who thought it was a nasty cold. If I'd had him last week and ""ì"
Sarah, This isn't helping.
Cameron, We're checking to see if your son has a tick bite.
Chase," Gabe, have you been camping recently? Playing sports outside, anything like that?"
Gabe, I'm not that good at sports.
Chase," No hanging out anywhere new, strange places?"
Jeffrey, We've been through this. We don't let him run wild through the neighborhood. [to Sarah] Right? [An awkward pause is shared is by all.]
Chase," Okay, this might be a bit deliCate. We need to know if you're sexually active."
Jeffrey," I beg your pardon? Who do you think my son ""ì"
Cameron," Mr. Reillich, we need to ""ì"
Gabe, No! Nothing like that. [He begins to cough again.]
Chase," We've got to get another CT scan, check his lungs again. [Cameron looks confused.]"
Jeffrey," Third floor, right?"
Cameron," Yeah, Radiology is just ""ì"
Chase," Sorry, medical personnel only."
Gabe, Where's the maParkne?
Chase," We passed it, actually. Little tension in the room back there. Thought you could use a break. Your dad's a pretty high-powered guy."
Gabe, Yeah. He was an Air Force test pilot. Real top-gun stuff. Flew a Mach 3.
Chase," Hard to deal with, sometimes?"
Gabe, I guess I'm more like my mom.
Chase," Listen, I promise to keep my mouth shut, but I need to know. You definitely haven't had any sexual contact of any kind?"
Gabe, I wish.
Chase," [going to the vending maParkne] Know what? Girls like the cool guys now. You give it a few years, they start liking the smart guys. You'll be all right."
Gabe, Can you keep a secret?
Chase," I have to, it's my job. [He hands Gabe a candy bar and sits on the bench next to him.]"
Gabe," I'm cursed. I'm not kidding. This seance thing the kids did? It spelled out my name, said I was gonna die."
Chase," First name and last name? We've got a Gabe upstairs. He's very old, very sick."
Gabe," No! It's me. I have the worst luck. One time, I broke this mirror. The next week, my parents got separated."
Chase," My parents got split up, too. Every kid thinks like it's his fault, it nEver is. So what about the rest of the stuff? Any playing outside that your parents don't know about, anything like that? Maybe you were somewhere you weren't supposed to be?"
Gabe," Oh, Man."
Chase," Gabe, it's important."
House," Secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?"
Chase," He fell on something in the attic, scraped his arm, got the rash the next day. Said it smelled really moldy up there."
House, Fungal pneumonia without the cave. ClEver.
Chase," I'm gonna get a sample. [He turns to leave, but is blocked by an older gentleMan in the doorway. Chase looks rather surprised to see him. Let's call the older Man Rowan, for that is his name.]"
Rowan, Dr. Chase. You have a few moments? [House watches this with interest.]
Chase," Sorry, I've gotta go. [He hurries off.]"
House, These young doctors. It's like they don't care about people. No Manners.
Rowan," My fault, pRobably."
House," That's an interesting accent you have there. I'd say Czech, with about thirty years of Aussie."
Rowan, You have quite an ear.
House," You're Chase's dad. Hard to miss, you know, the big hug and how happy he was to see you. [He sips his coffee and smiles.]"
House, Need a consult.
Wilson, With a Patient.
House, Urgent doctor stuff. [He leaves.]
House," 26-year-old male, sudden loss of the ability to speak --"
Wilson, Just because you got out of clinic duty doesn't mean Everybody did.
House, -- to his father. Differential diagnosis?
Wilson, Chase?
House," Dad swoops in, Chase swoops out."
Wilson, Dad say why he was here?
House, See? You asked. Dad comes 5000 miles and you're more curious than Junior is. Can't just be about the divorce. It's been fifteen years and mom's been dead for ten of them. You think Daddy murdered her?
Wilson," You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right. Don't talk to the people involved, drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation."
House," You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat."
Wilson, Even I don't like you. [He walks off.]
House," [calling after him] You know, words can hurt!"
Chase," Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, guys, I don't care that you're up here!"
Dave, You a cop?
Chase, [putting on rubber gloves] Doctor. I'm treating Gabe Reillich. He said he fell over near some pipes?
Dave," [pointing] Yeah, over there."
Chase," [putting on a mask] What, here?"
Other kid, Yeah.
Chase," Right, any of you guys been feeling sick lately? Rash, cold, anything? [He begins to collect samples of the dust.]"
Both kids," No. [There's speaker noise outside, and Dave looks out the window.]"
Dave," Oh, crap. He is a cop!"
Other kid," Damn it! [They run out the door, Chase walks to the window to see a policeMan walking up. Chase then climbs out a window and climbs down a tree, falling a few feet from the ground. Aww.]"
Chase," He fell on it. Some weird kind of insulation. It's old, House was built in the sixties."
Cameron, What's it made of?
Chase," Felt. Fibers are made of what, cotton?"
House," Hah, hah hah. [The team looks over to see House reading a book on rheumatology by Chase's father.] Sorry, forgotten how funny your dad was."
Chase, Not as funny as you.
House," High praise. I know how protective kids can be of their parents. [He hands his cane over to Chase and goes to look at the microscope.] Not cotton, animal hair. Get the CT scan. [The team crowds around the CT.] First, find the name of the company that made the insulation and second, tell me what I'm seeing that makes me want to short their stock."
Foreman," Uh, enlarged hilar lymph nodes."
Cameron, ParabronParkal thickening.
Chase, Purile effusions.
House," Less obvious, more scary."
Chase," Well, the mediastinum doesn't look right."
Cameron," Slightly widened. Oh God, it can be transmitted through infected animal hair. But the gram stain would have shown ""ì"
House," No, the cefuroxime would have killed some of it, clouded the result."
Cameron, We've gotta get this kid on levaquin.
Foreman, What does he have?
House, Anthrax. This House belonged to old Man Hussein?
Chase, Maybe he is cursed.
Jeffrey," Anthrax. So, what, you think there were terrorists in that attic?"
Chase, It's a naturally occurring bacteria. We beliEve it was in the insulation.
Sarah, How sick is he?
Chase," Anthrax is very dangerous, but we've caught it early. He's on levaquin, it's the best antibiotic we have."
Jeffrey," Lisa, you buy this?"
Cuddy," Jeff, you've helped our hospital a lot. I wouldn't have assigned Dr. House to your case if I didn't have Every confidence in ""ì"
Jeffrey," But, who's this guy?"
Sarah, Jeffrey!
Jeffrey, There's all these weird diseases that can cause a rash. What about leishManiasis and filariasis?
Cuddy, Where'd you hear about those?
Jeffrey, The internet. I did some research.
Cuddy," Well, those are very rare conditions."
Jeffrey," Oh, and anthrax grows along the interstate?"
Chase," LeishManiasis doesn't cause pneumonia and filariasis ""ì"
Jeffrey," Just look into Everything, this is my son, all right? [Sarah leaves.] And I'm going to stay on top of you until I know he's safe."
Cuddy," I wouldn't expect anything else. [as Jeffrey walks off] Everyone's a doctor. [Beeping is heard, all heads in the lobby turn toward Gabe's room.]"
Sarah," Breathe, baby. It's okay. [Chase and Cuddy walks in.] Breathe, Honey."
Jeffrey, His breathing! It's on the inhale!
Sarah, What does that mean?
Cuddy, It means his airway's closing up. [She pushes Jeffrey and Sarah away from the bed.]
Jeffrey, Is the anthrax doing it?
Chase," All right, hold still, Gabe. This is going to be a little uncomfortable. [Chase looks down Gabe's airway with a scope.]"
Cuddy," We've got you, it's okay."
Chase, Two nodules in his throat.
Cuddy, Airway's inhibited?
Chase, We've got to intubate. Ativan!
Cuddy," Pushing 3 ccs. [They move the bed out, and Foreman prepares to intubate Gabe.]"
Foreman, Airway's too tight.
Jeffrey, What's wrong? What's wrong?! You're killing him!
Sarah," Jeffrey! Jeffrey, let them do their job!"
Foreman," Airway's too tight, get me a smaller tube."
Chase, We're traParkng.
Foreman," Smaller tube! [Chase hands him a smaller tube, which Foreman tries to use.]"
Cuddy, His lips are cyanotic
Sarah," Oh my God, he's not breathing."
Chase, Foreman! We're traParkng!
Foreman," No, I can do it, I'll get it."
Chase," Foreman, you're not getting through!"
Cuddy," He's not getting air. Oh, we have to trach him right now."
Foreman," No, I can do it."
Chase, Betadine. [Cuddy swabs Gabe's neck with Betadine.] I'm doing this. [He prepares to cut -- ]
Foreman," Got it! [ -- and pulls back, a tiny nick on Gabe's throat. They begin to ventilate, Cuddy checks Gabe's breathing.]"
Cuddy, He's okay. [Sarah gives Jeffrey a hug.]
House, Allergic reaction to the antibiotics?
Cameron, I don't think so. We switched him to rifampin and there was no change in swelling.
Chase," We should try another antibiotic ""ì"
Foreman, You really think he's allergic to two antibiotics?
House, I want to know what Dr. Chase thinks.
Chase," It's possible to think he's allergic to both anti ""ì"
House," Oh, I'm sorry! Not you. Understandable mistake. The other Dr. Chase. [Chase is not amused.]"
Rowan," Boy gets anthrax, but happens to be allergic to two antibiotics. Hate to step on anybody's toes, but is it possible that your guys got this one wrong?"
Chase, The rash is classic anthrax.
Rowan, Except the color.
Cameron," The rash hasn't turned black yet. No necrosis, no anthrax. [House is watParkng this like a tennis match.]"
Chase, Necrosis can theoretically take as long as two weeks. [Smirk.]
House," Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, it's not a competition! It's a diagnosis! Okay, who thinks [raising a hand over Chase's head] Junior wins? [Everyone's quiet.] Four to one, it's not anthrax. So we start over, what's changed? What do the nodules tell us?"
Rowan, Sarcoidosis.
House," Excellent. Send an ACE lEvel. If it comes back positive, put him on methotrexate."
Foreman," We ran some tests, and the results point toward sarcoidosis. It makes the body's tissue swell up. It seems to have gone after Gabriel's skin and lungs, and given him this fEver."
Sarah," Doctor. [She gets their attention for Gabe, who has written to them on a white board the question, ""Why?""ù]"
Chase, We don't know what causes it.
Jeffrey, But you're sure he has this one.
Chase, We have a world-renowned doctor consulting. He's convinced this is sarcoidosis.
Sarah, Is it treatable?
Foreman," Very, actually. See, this [he hooks it up to the IV] is IV methotrexate. It's an anti-inflammatory, which should make all the swelling go down, and get you all better."
Chase," Stop! [He notices something on Gabe's arm ""ì the rash has turned black.]"
Sarah," My God, it's black."
Chase, Necrosis.
Foreman," It's definitely anthrax, and it definitely can't be anthrax. It doesn't cause throat nodules."
Rowan, The only explanation is this kid has got anthrax and sarcoidosis!
Chase," Right, two incredibly rare diseases just happening to strike at once."
Rowan, Unless you've got a better theory.
Chase, Anthrax plus an allergic reaction.
Rowan," Call the Lancet, because that's one bizarre allergic reaction."
House," Come on, there's no reason you both can't be wrong. It's not allergy, but it's not coincidence, either. Disease number one set off disease number two."
Cameron, Anthrax weakened his immune system.
House, And triggered a dorMant sarcoidosis. Keep him on antibiotics for the anthrax and start him on methotrexate for the sarcoidosis.
Chase, Fine. [He leaves.]
House, Better go with him. Make sure he doesn't snap and hurt somebody. [Foreman follows him.]
Jeffrey," You ""ì you're treating him for both diseases?"
Foreman, We're covering all the bases.
Jeffrey," What, throw Everything against the wall and see what sticks?"
Chase, Works for spaghetti. [Foreman clears his throat.]
Jeffrey, You're being funny?
House, Apparently not.
Jeffrey, You know why I give money to this hospital? It's the only way to get attention. You see this? [He holds up his wrist.]
House," Is this a magic trick? Because I am a total David Copperfield fan, although that ""Tornado of Fire,""ù that seemed a little fake ""ì"
Jeffrey," Pain in the wrist. Won't go away for months. [House pops a Vicodin.] Six doctors' brilliant conclusion is to take it easy. I write a check, name goes on a plaque, and forty-eight hours later I've got two MRIs, a bone scan, and a diagnosis: carpal tunnel. I'm in surgery that afternoon."
House," Fascinating story. You thought of adapting it for the stage? [His beeper beeps, he goes to get it in his office.]"
Jeffrey," I love my ""ì look at me! ""ì love my son, love him more than anything else in the world, and you're going to start paying attention to this case, or I'm going to make things miserable for ""ì"
House, Go back to your son's room.
Jeffrey," I'm not leaving here until you get your ass in gear ""ì"
House," There's a pRoblem. [Jeffrey walks out, and..]"
Jeffrey, What is it?
Foreman, I don't know. [We see that Gabe's back is covered in a bizarre rash.]
Foreman, Skin lesions are spreading all over his body. They're opening and the fatty tissues are oozing out. He'll be septic in a matter of days.
Cameron, Death by dermatitis. [Rowan is already in the room.]
Rowan, Where's Robert?
Cameron," Uh, he has clinic duty this morning."
House," No, he doesn't. I rescheduled you guys so you'd be free."
Cameron," Yeah, but he re-rescheduled himself."
Patient, It doesn't hurt yet.
Chase, Keep going. [House enters.]
House, You page me?
Chase," No, I don't need you."
House," Oh, come on. We all need help now and again. [Cameron, Foreman and Rowan also enter.] You're getting a consult. Okay, we've got new skin lesions, bigger and uglier. What would cause that?"
Patient, My hand hurts.
Rowan, What if his body worked so hard attacking the anthrax that it started attacking itself?
Cameron, Auto-immune.
Chase, Wouldn't present this aggressively. [Patient is trying to get Chase's attention.]
Cameron," It's not likely, but it is possible."
Chase," What, in a twelve-year-old male?"
Patient," This isn't about me, is it?"
Chase," Gabe's dad found leishManiasis and filariasis on the internet yesterday. They didn't fit then, but now they kind of do."
House," Sure, except for the nodules and we're not working out of Calcutta General."
Chase, Multiple neurofibromatosis.
Foreman, You think this is neurological?
Chase, The only reason you're thinking auto-immune is because you're a rheumatologist! If you were a proctologist you'd think rectal cancer.
House, Gotta go with Senior. He literally wrote the book on this one.
Cameron, Auto-immune is a big universe. It could be anything from scleroderma to Churg-Strauss.
Foreman," WhatEver it is, we should start him on steroids, keep the swelling down."
Cameron," And 100 mg. of cytoxan, it treats most auto-immunes."
House," We'll give it to him now, before the fat starts dripping out his eyeballs."
Patient, Hey! My fingers are numb!
House," Your watch is on too tight. [Well, how about that! Patient crisis solved.]"
Chase, You're messing with my head.
House, Your relationship with your dad is messing with your ability to do your job.
Chase, Only because you made my dad part of my job.
House," Good point. Haven't seen him in years, he flies across the Atlantic to see you ""ì"
Chase, Pacific.
House, You breeze by him like he's a Hare Krishna at the airport. You don't Even ask why he's in town.
Chase, [on the stairs] It's pRobably a conference.
House," PRobably. I was hoping to do this by sheer Manipulation, but if you insist on talking, fine, talk. [He walks over to the foot of the stairs.] What did he do to you?"
Chase, How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
House, I'd hate it. That's why I clEverly have no personal life.
Chase, I'm going to biopsy his skin lesions.
House, Good thinking! Prove your dad wrong. That'll solve Everything.
Chase, Who extubated him?
Rowan, I did. Temperature's down two degrees and the swelling's almost gone.
Sarah," And his skin looks better, too."
Rowan, The cytoxan is working.
Chase," Feeling better, Gabe?"
Gabe," Yup, a lot."
Chase," Dr. Chase, can you and I have a word?"
Chase, Your diagnosis is wrong. No auto-immune disease. The swelling's pRobably just down because we've got him on steroids. It's masking whatEver's wrong.
Rowan, ANAs are unreliable.
Chase," Phospholipid antibodies are negative, so no lupus. Same for Churg-Strauss."
Rowan," You're arguing with a rheumatologist. There's about twenty distinct auto-immune diseases ""ì"
Chase, Why are you here?
Rowan, SLE conference.
Chase," You were in New York last year for the scleroderma conference, I didn't hear anything from you."
Rowan, Just wanted to say hi this time.
Chase," You said it, you're still here."
Rowan, I miss you.
Chase, I was 15 years old when you walked out. Now you're walking back in?
Rowan, I left your mother. I didn't leave you.
Chase," [near tears] Mum was living on gin and tonics, how was I supposed to take care of her?"
Rowan, She wasn't your responsibility.
Chase, I know! She was yours.
Rowan," I'm sorry she died. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. But she was falling apart long before ""ì"
Chase, I've got to talk to House about this treatment.
House, But the Patient's getting better.
Chase, In spite of the cytoxan.
House," On the other hand, getting better."
Chase, Cytoxan makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.
House, Better!
Chase," You want a negative test for Every auto-immune disease known to Man? Fine, I'll get them!"
House, Be home by midnight or he can't have the car this weekend. [Chase stops by the door.] You guys talk? Did he tell you why he's here?
Chase, The SLE conference.
House, Going back to the conference?
Rowan, Afternoon panel. I hope I can stay awake.
House," I hope you can get in. You're not registered. I get it. You had to make up a lie. Can't just tell your kid you're here to see him. What father does that? That little blue dot under your collar. [Rowan moves to cover it up.] It's a tattoo for guiding radiation treatment. I was looking for it after I saw what you had for breakfast: brown rice and vegetables, macRobiotic diet. Popular with Hollywood starlets and cancer Patients."
Rowan," Lungs, stage four."
House, You look good.
Rowan," I'm not. Came to the States to go to Sloan-Kettering, and to see Dr. Wilson."
House, What'd he say?
Rowan, Three months.
House, But you haven't told Robert. You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.
Rowan, I'd prefer you not tell him.
House," Yeah, it's better. I'll get to see his face when he reads his dad's obituary."
Rowan, It's not your business.
House, I suppose it isn't.
Gabe, You sure do a lot of tests.
Chase," If we figure out exactly which auto-immune condition it is, we can get you better quicker."
Gabe, Was that your dad before?
Chase, Yeah.
Gabe, That's so cool. Do you guys work together a lot?
Chase, Not really.
Gabe, When can I go home?
Chase, We'll see. Looks like you got your appetite back. That's a good sign. [Gabe coughs.] Want some water?
Gabe, Yes.
Chase," Okay. [He gives Gabe the water, which drops out of Gabe's hand.] Whoops. It's all right. Water's cheap."
Gabe," [staring at his hand] Oh, God."
Chase, What?
Gabe," I can't, I can't move my hand."
Chase," Squeeze my fingers for me, Gabe? [Gabe can't. Chase tests the movement in his arm.]"
Chase, He's getting worse. Now his entire right hand and forearm are paralyzed.
Cameron," And his fEver's back, it's back over 105."
Foreman," If we don't stop the nerve deterioration quickly, he'll be paralyzed for life."
House," Well, luckily, at this rate, that should only last about a week. Okay, so ""ì"
Chase, I told you we should get him off the cytoxan. This is toxic neuropathy. We've been shoving drugs into his system for a disease he doesn't have!
Foreman," You know, it could be neurological."
Cameron," What kind of brain process would cause a paralyzed hand, skin lesions, and swollen throat nodules?"
Rowan, Robert was right. You said multiple neurofibromatosis.
House," Are you saying that for the chance of a beautiful family moment, or is there some medicine involved?"
Rowan, Fits better.
House, Too bad. I was hoping for the other reason. I was gonna go get my camera. Get a CT scan. His brain this time.
Blonde," You think three copies will be enough, right?"
Wilson, One's always been more than enough for me. [House taps him on the shoulder with his cane.]
House, Why didn't you tell me that Rowan Chase was in to see you?
Wilson," [to the blonde] Excuse me. [to House] Ethics, confidentiality? Does any of this ring a bell?"
House, You could have covered yourself. Called me in for a consult.
Wilson, It is a juicy piece of gossip. You know what happened? I got all focused on his cancer and lost perspective.
House," You can't tell Chase, but I can. What should I do?"
Wilson, Oh! This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part. Did Rowan ask you not to tell?
House," I promised I wouldn't. My fingers were crossed, though, so I'm wide open."
Wilson, I was wrong! This is the musing-out-loud part! Do I actually need to be here?
House," Telling him, now that's got real entertainment value."
Wilson," Hmmm, he might Even cry. On the other hand, there is the ""do unto others""ù thingy."
House, Then I should definitely tell him! I'd want to know.
Wilson," You want to know Everything. There's also the ""keeping your promises""ù thingy."
House," Oh, you nEver run out of thingies. Like that blonde thing you were chatting up."
Wilson, She's the hospital accountant! We were going over billing procedures!
House," Double-entry bookkeeping? [Elevator dings, because the elevator wins at comic timing.]"
Wilson, What are you going to do?
House," Billing procedures. They're so compliCated, aren't they? [Wilson rolls his eyes as the doors close.]"
Cameron," You know, parents are nEver as bad as kids think they are."
Chase," You like my dad so much, ask him out."
Cameron," I'd make an excellent step-mom, I'm very lenient. [pause] He's your father, you nEver see him, and he's here. Unless he's done some unspeakable thing, you should lighten up."
Chase," Right, thanks for the tip."
Cameron, Okay. He beat your mom. He beat you. [no answer] What did he do?
Chase," Really, don't push it."
Cameron, All this hate. It's toxic.
Chase, Then stay away. [looks at the scan] There's nothing there.
Chase," No masses, no fibrous tangles, nothing. It's not neurofibromatosis."
House," Drs. Chase are 0 ""ì 3. Even when they agree they're wrong. So, next. What else could cause neural damage as well as all the nodules?"
Cameron, Burger's disease.
Foreman, He's nEver been out of the country.
Rowan, Have his parents? They could have brought it back.
Foreman, I don't think so.
Chase," Doesn't matter. His lesions are in the wrong place, his feet are the one clear spot."
House, Kid's dad mentioned leishManiasis.
Chase," Yeah, and filariasis, but the throat nodules still don't fit with that."
House, Two diseases pretty much exclusive to Southeast Asia. What if the anthrax didn't set off the second disease?
Foreman, We're back at coincidence again?
House, No. What if something else was the trigger?
Cameron, Nothing else happened.
House, We happened.
Rowan, Antibiotics?
Chase," We've been through this, it's not an allergy."
House, I've gotta pee. [He leaves.]
Jeffrey, What did the CT scan tell you?
House, Nothing. [He grabs Jeffrey's bad wrist.]
Jeffrey, Ow!
House," On a scale of one to ten, how painful?"
Jeffrey, About half as painful as when I punch you in the face.
House, Don't do that. It'll hurt you. Carpal tunnel surgery obviously didn't work.
Gabe, Who are you?
House, The little ones call me Uncle Gregg. Your dad nEver had carpal tunnel. You mentioned two obscure diseases to Dr. Chase. How'd you know about them?
Jeffrey, I read about them on the internet.
House," So, what'd you search for? ""Diseases from Asia that don't match my son's symptoms""ù? You heard about them in Asia."
Jeffrey, I've nEver been there.
House," Well, you pRobably just forgot. Let me refresh your memory. Some remote, dusty village, close quarters, at least a year! starting to come back?"
Jeffrey, I'm calling Dr. Cuddy.
Sarah," Excuse me, what does this have to do with our son?"
House," [to Gabe] Your dad's pissed off. He should be. Comes here, expecting us to do an extra good job because he gives a whole lot of money to this hospital ""ì"
Jeffrey, [yelling] Don't talk to my son like that!
House," Just telling him my job, my obligation to this ""ì"
Sarah, Stop! What's going on?
House," There's only one thing that you guys have got to do. Tell the truth, or your son will die. How long were you in Asia?"
Sarah," Jeff, it's a simple question."
Jeffrey," Two years, in India."
Sarah, Why would you lie about something like that?
Jeffrey," It was '87 and '88. This, uh, this guru, I thought he had some answers. I went to his ashram, and, um, ended up with no money and no answers. I was embarrassed, I didn't want anybody to know."
Gabe," No. No, you were a test pilot."
Jeffrey," I'm so sorry, Gabe."
Sarah, What does this have to do with my son? [But House has left.]
House," Clue number one: If I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine."
Foreman, Demonic possession?
House," Close, but no wafer. Clue number two: Rheumatology Rowan was almost right. It causes auto-immune symptoms."
Chase, Leprosy?
Foreman," Yeah, that's real big in the Jersey suburbs."
House," It's leprosy. Run a FITE stain, it'll be positive. Daddy hung out on the wrong kind of Indian ashram."
Foreman," But it's obviously dorMant in the dad, how could the kid catch it?"
House," It's not dorMant in the dad, it's just slow. Damaged his ulnar nerve, was misdiagnosed as carpal tunnel. NEver trust doctors. Run a FITE stain."
Rowan, No wonder he got anthrax. The leprosy weakened his immune system.
House," Vicious circle. The leprosy made him vulnerable to the anthrax, and the anthrax treatment put the leprosy in overdrive."
Chase," But the antibiotics we gave him, they cure leprosy."
House," Yeah, that's where the trouble starts. [CGI shot of what House is talking about.] The antibiotics hit the nerve strands, they kill the leprosy bacteria. The corpses get tossed into the system. And as fascinating as our bodies are, they're also stupid. They produce antibodies to beat dead bacteria. And these aren't the polite antibodies, they're the ones that won't sit still; kick during naptimes. They attack his neural and fat cells, cause some inflammation and all the rest of his symptoms."
Rowan, So the cure's killing him!
House," [to Cameron] I want you to call down to Carville, Louisiana, home of the last leper colony in the lower 48. Get them to send up some thalidomide."
Cameron, Thalidomide?
House," Twelve-year-olds don't have sex, right? So he can't be pregnant. Make the call. [to Rowan] I need to speak to your boy. [Chase is alone in the office with House.]"
Chase, Why does Everybody need to know my business?
House," People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care. [He takes some Vicodin.]"
Chase," I'd tell you my dad left, my mum drank herself to death! you gonna care about me more?"
House," Cameron would. Me, I just like knowing stuff. [pause] I know you hate your dad, but I'm gonna tell you something ""ì"
Chase," I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out that it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments."
House, Okay.
Chase, That's it?
House, That's it. [Chase leaves.]
Chase, Breathe. [Gabe breathes.] Breathe again. Breathe again.
Gabe, You gonna have to tell my friends I'm a leper?
Chase, You had the antibiotics. You're not contagious any more.
Gabe, What if they already caught it?
Chase," Leprosy is incredibly hard to catch. Even your mum didn't get it. All right, I want you to make a fist. [Gabe does so, slowly.]"
Gabe, It's still kinda stiff.
Chase," It'll get back to normal in a month or two. Your skin, two or three weeks. You haven't asked about your dad."
Gabe, He lied about Everything. He lied to my mom. He lied to his boss. He's just a liar.
Chase, He loves you.
Gabe, [near tears] I don't love him.
Chase," Yeah, you do. [He sits on the bed next to Gabe.] Nothing you can do about it. He's your dad. It doesn't matter what he does, you're gonna love him."
Rowan, [to the bellhop-type person] Thanks.
Chase, Hey! [Rowan turns to see Chase walking up.] When's your flight? You got time for a drink?
Rowan, Wish I did.
Cabbie," Dr. Chase! [Rowan starts to lug his heavy suitcase, Chase grabs it.]"
Chase, I've got it.
Rowan, You're going to be getting down to Aus any time soon?
Chase," Not too long. Next autumn, I hope. I'll call you. Well, you're all set. [Rowan offers his hand, which Chase takes.] I'll see you."
Rowan," Yeah. I'll see you. [Chase embraces his father, and then watches as Rowan drives off in the taxi.]"
Carly, Where are those projections?
Robin," 3, 6, and 9 are in your folders."
Carly," Can I have some more ""ì"
Robin, Tea's at your seat. [She runs to pick up the phone.]
Carly, Excellent.
Robin," [on the phone] Hello? Oh, hold on. [She hangs up and runs after Carly.] Ben FederMan again. Another pre-call. [Carly presses the speaker phone.]"
Carly, We did the pre-call. This is the post-pre-call-call?
Ben, Board's gonna want some specifics for the push into the Asian market.
Carly," Ben, there are no specifics about Asia. We came up with that as a Hail Mary at three in the morning to plaCate the board about International!"
Ben," Carly, I'm just giving you a heads-up about Asia. [Carly picks up the receiver.]"
Carly, There is no Asia.
Carly," Let's talk about Asia. We're in the preliminary stages of forming a strategic alliance with Credit Lyonnais. Within three months you won't be able to walk four feet in Kyung Hong, South Korea, without seeing one of our beautiful models smiling at you from billboards and drugstore windows inviting you in."
Boardmember," That's incredible news, Carly. We'd hoped to hear something about Asia, but had no idea plans were so far along. [The rest of the board also looks very excited.]"
Carly," Well, you know Asia. Nothing's done until it's done. [The board laughs. Carly is sweating, and when she sets down her teacup, we see that her hand is shaking.]"
Boardmember," Carly, I was wondering, could you walk us through what you were thinking for other Asian territories?"
Carly," Absolutely. India has over half a billion women. In terms of spending power it's the single largest potential market in the world. [She grabs her leg. CG shot of the leg muscles, which are straining.] Um, we have retained a local firm to ensure that cultural differences are respected, um, howEver, I can't go into the specifics of my plan with you until tomorrow; right now I have a meeting and I need the room. [She grabs her Blackberry.]"
Carly," [typing under the table] I know, and I do apologize. It's last minute, but the meeting is with three State Department officials to smooth the way for Parkna. [She has typed ""I need help.""ù into her Blackberry.]"
Boardmember, Parkna? This is just incredible.
Carly, We'll be in touch.
Boardmember," Thank you. [They all get up to leave, except Carly. Robin leans in behind Carly.]"
Robin, What is it?
Carly, I need a doctor. I can't move my leg!
House," 32-year-old female, paralysis and sEvere pain in her right quad. Go."
Foreman, How'd she get to you?
House, She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da Man? I da Man. I always suspected.
Cameron," Dr. House, I know the chances are very slim, but I'm sure you recognize that she may have what you had: a clot in her thigh."
Chase, [coughs] A bit of a long shot.
Foreman, What about a disc herniation?
Cameron," I don't know, Eric. If her disc were herniated, she'd present with pain elsewhere, wouldn't she? [At this point, Foreman is looking at Cameron like she's an alien, Chase is looking at her like she's something on the bottom of his shoe, and House is looking at the whole thing with mild interest.]"
Foreman," Yeah, I suppose."
Cameron," You're right, a clot's also the most deadly, right, Robert?"
Chase," True. The clot breaks off, she could stroke and die. [looks at House questioningly]"
Cameron," Dr. House, I beliEve that they're right, and ""ì"
House, Stop talking.
Cameron, What?
House," You read one of those negotiating books, didn't you? ""Getting to Yes: Fifty Ways to Win an Argument.""ù ""The Hitchhiker's Guide to Being a Pal.""ù In five seconds you just Manipulated these two into agreeing with your point of view. [Chase and Foreman look defensive.] Fellas, this is known as ""soft positional bargaining.""ù It's not gonna work."
Cameron," Dr. House, are you saying that she doesn't have a clot or are you saying that if she does have a clot she doesn't need blood thinners and an angiogram?"
House," Chase, put her on blood thinners, do an angiogram. [Cameron looks triumphant.] When that comes back negative, MRI the spine. If that's clean, cut her open and biopsy the leg."
Cameron, Excellent suggestion.
House," Read less, more TV."
Cuddy," It's rare for an individual to make a donation significant enough to impact an organization as large and unwieldy as a hospital. This donation does come with one string: that he be made ChairMan of the Board. I think that's a reasonable request. [Shot of Wilson, who is on the Board? Whoa.] I think he should have the right to know what it is we do with his $100 million. Please welcome our new ChairMan of the Board, Vogler. [All the board members clap, Vogler stands.]"
Vogler," Thank you, thank you. When I was eighteen, my dad loaned me $20, 000 for a college tuition which he would have known was a mistake had he known that I wasn't actually in college. [board chuckles] I took his money and invested in a friend who had a little business, and when my dad found out what I had done with his money, he and I didn't talk much after that. But my friend's business took off, and I used the profits from that to buy another company, and another, and I must have been pretty good at it, had a good eye, because before I knew it people were making offers for my company. And, uh, about a year ago I went public and overnight I was worth a billion dollars. So I went to see my dad. [Board chuckles, Cuddy looks to Wilson, who sort of smiles] I'll admit, I wanted a little payback, you know, kind of shove the wind in his face, so I went upstate and sat in the kitchen I grew up in and, uh, he had no reaction. It wasn't his fault, he didn't Even know who I was. Because his Alzheimer's had taken a turn for the worse, despite the best drugs and care out there, and that is why I'm here. What if my contribution to this hospital is the difference between no cure and a cure for cancer? The difference between a Man not recognizing his wife of 35 years and being able to look at her and say, ""Good morning, Honey. I love you.""ù [Wilson now looks pensive and a little sad. (Hey, we keep coming back to Wilson and he doesn't say anything! something must be important here!)] If there's a disease out there killing people, I am writing you a blank check to fight back. [big smile] So, things are going to change, a lot. [more board clapping. Strangely enough, Wilson is the last one to start clapping, and it's very subdued. Hmmm!]"
Chase, I'm gonna have to ask you for the cell phone?
Carly," Do what you need to do, I'm okay."
Chase, Pretty sure my x-ray maParkne can take your phone in a fight. It'll fry it.
Carly, [handing it over] Fine.
Jenny [the radiologist], How old is she?
Chase,32
Jenny, Wow. She's already the CEO of a public company.
Chase," She's a workaholic. Okay Carly, hold still. The x-ray maParkne is gonna pass over your leg."
Carly, Okay.
Jenny, What'd you do with your time off?
Chase, Snowboarding in Gstaad.
Jenny, Switzerland!
Chase," Do you ski or board? You can come with, if you like."
Jenny, Maybe we should start with a drink before we go 'round the world.
Chase," Oh, you want to have a drink with me? [She hits him.] Oooh, very aggressive! I like that. [The x-ray commences.]"
Vogler, I want to run this place like a business.
Cuddy," What, you want to put more vending maParknes in the hallway? Maybe a roulette wheel?"
Vogler," Nice one. But I'm serious. The product that you're selling is good health, it shouldn't be a tough sell. You don't want to sell, it means people don't care about your product. You care if people are healthy, or are you too proud for that? [Cuddy looks insulted, but Vogler looks over her and sees!] Who's that? [A yo-yo, being played with by one Dr. House.]"
Cuddy," That's, uh, just one of our doctors."
Vogler, Aren't doctors supposed to wear lab coats. [House lifts his head slightly to eavesdrop.]
Cuddy, He's! different.
Vogler, Everyone's buddy.
Cuddy," No, not exactly."
Vogler, Then why does he get away with it?
Cuddy, It's just a coat. He's very good.
Vogler, Hmm. [He walks off.]
House," Say ""ah""ù."
Ricky, Ah.
House," No, really belt it out, like you're gonna throw up."
Rick, Ah! [He coughs in House's face.]
House," Perfect. Okay, that's it. We should know in a couple of days what's growing in your son's throat. [The dad doesn't say anything in response.] Hello?"
Ricky, He can't talk.
House, Excuse me?
Ricky, He had knee surgery.
House, Right!
Ricky," About a year ago, and then he couldn't talk."
House," Right, yeah, well, that happens. You know, it's very dangerous operating so close to the vocal chords. Okay, well, we'll send your kid's culture to the lab and somebody will call you. [As he's leaving] BOO!"
Ricky," AAH! [The dad looks frightened, but doesn't say anything.]"
House," Just wanted to see if your dad, uh, sorry. [He leaves.]"
Cuddy, I need you to wear your lab coat.
House, I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Cuddy, Wear the coat.
House, Man oh Man. Someone got spanked real good this morning.
Cuddy," Guy gives $100 million to cure cancer, pretty small concession to wear a lab coat."
House, Cure cancer. Is the hospital getting out of the dull business of treating Patients?
Cuddy, You know that's not what he's doing.
House, I know exactly what he's doing. He's using us to run clinical trials.
Cuddy," Oh, shame on him! Saving lives like that!"
House," [entering his office] It's unethical. [Cuddy follows.] Oh, are you coming in, too? I thought I had you convinced."
Cuddy, Clinical trials save thousands of lives.
House, He's using Patients as guinea pigs.
Cuddy, Pharmaceutical companies do that Every day.
House," Are we a pharmaceutical company? We're gonna wind up pressuring desperate Patients into choices that are bad for them, good for us. You're gonna compromise Patient care."
Cuddy, Who the hell am I talking to? Suddenly ethical lapses are a major concern for you?
House, What's interesting is it suddenly doesn't bother you.
Cuddy," So, if you ignore ethics to save one person it's admirable, but if you do it to save a thousand you're a bastard. All he's done is taken your game and gone pro."
House, He's not going to kill a few Patients. He's going to kill this hospital.
Cuddy," It took him three seconds to size you up, and surprise? He doesn't like you. Wear the damn coat."
Foreman," Hello. I'm Dr. Foreman, I work with Dr. House. Our initial tests say you're fine. We think you may have had a clot but it resolved on its own, so we're gonna keep you overnight to be safe and you can go back home tomorrow. Or, back to work. Hey, you okay. [Carly whimpers in pain, clutParkng her leg. Foreman runs to the other side of the bed. Then she SCREAMS in pain.] [to the nurse] Get in here! I need a line in her, IV morphine, stat!"
Chase, Get any read on the new ChairMan of the Board?
Foreman," Yeah, he took your Parking space."
Cameron, It's not necessarily bad news.
Foreman," Do you Ever watch ""Gilligan's Island""ù reruns and really, really think they're gonna get off the island this time?"
Cameron, We should introduce ourselves. It couldn't hurt.
House, [getting coffee] Make him a bundt cake. Patient hit a ten on the pain scale. What would explain that?
Chase," There was no clot in her leg, the angio was totally clean."
House, What about the muscle biopsy?
Chase, No neurogenic or myopathic abnormalities.
Foreman," She's also negative for triParknosis, no toxoplasmosis or polyarteritis nodosa."
Cameron," Robert, what was her sedimentation rate?"
Chase," Normal, Allison, therefore no inflammation, no immunologic response."
Cameron, Do you mind sharing that number with me? [Foreman and Chase try to stop from smiling.]
Chase," Fifteen, Allison."
Cameron, Are you mocking me?
Foreman," Duh, Allison."
Cameron, I'm just suggesting we look outside the box. What if her sed rate is elevated?
Chase," Well, let's go further outside the box. Let's say the angio rEvealed a clot, and let's say we treated that clot, and now she's all better, and personally thanked me by performing ""ì"
Cameron, My Aunt ELisalives in Philiadelphia.
House," Oh, it's storytime! Let me get my baba."
Cameron," Her normal temperature is 96.2, not 98.6 like you and me. If her temperature were 98.6, she'd have a fEver. I'm just wondering if you think we could apply the same logic to Carly's sed rate."
House, That's absurd. I love it.
Cameron," If 15 is high for Carly, then she has inflammation."
House," Which could, in turn, mean cancer. I'll talk to Wilson. Next time, skip Aunt Elisa."
Wilson," You're pRobably talking about a primary bone cancer. Can be tricky to detect, you'll need a bone scan ""ì"
House, That's why I'm talking to an oncologist.
Wilson," Sure, I've nothing better to do besides departmental meetings and budget reports! new ChairMan of the Board, you know."
House, Oh! I hadn't heard.
Wilson, Right. Clinical trials!
House, Completely unethical.
Wilson, And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in curing African sleeping sickness.
House," No, I have seen Every scary movie Ever made. Six-year-old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys' choirs: those are bad omens. This is much more mundane: a billionaire wants to get laid."
Wilson, Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
House, And the reason you want respect?
Wilson, To! get laid.
House," Okay then. You've just gotta think like a billionaire. [Wilson smiles.] Let's see, big scary changes, and then, ""Oh, Dr. Cameron, we should have dinner to discuss your future on my G-5 private jet.""ù"
Wilson," Oh, come on. You know how good you have it here."
House," Yes, I'm the big poobah, the big cheese, the go-to guy."
Wilson," You do the cases you want to do, when you want to do them. You're not going to get that anywhere else."
House," Relax, I've been through three regime changes in this hospital. Every time, same story."
Wilson," Just keep your head down, that's all I'm saying. And put on your coat."
House," It itches. [Wilson sighs and leaves. House calls after him.] So, are you going to do this bone scan for me or what?"
Wilson, Yes. [House throws a Vicodin up in the air and catches it in his mouth.]
House," Dr. Simpson! Did you hear? New Management. I'm thinking about switParkng to orthopedics. How much do you guys get for massage now, without the happy ending?"
Simpson," Dr. House, what do you want?"
House, You remember a guy named Van Der Meer? Not a big talker. You fixed his ACL.
Simpson," Well, not according to my medical malpractice premiums."
House, Didn't get hypertensive during surgery? No strokes? Maybe some connectivity loss?
Simpson," What, you're going to get involved now?"
House, I'm not involved. Guy brought his son into the clinic.
Simpson, I didn't touch the son. I'm not taking any responsibility there.
House, The son's fine. Can't shut him up. The dad show any signs of cortical disease? Wernicke's?
Simpson," No. Nothing. And that's why we settled; because we couldn't find anything. The guy got over a million dollars, don't tell me he's complaining."
House," He's not saying ""boo""ù."
Robin, Your father wants to know when you'll be back from your trip.
Carly," Email back. It's ""taking longer than I thought.""ù He doesn't need to see me like this."
Robin, What about your brother?
Carly, No. [Wilson enters.]
Wilson," Hello. I'm Dr. Wilson. I was ""ì"
Carly," Robin, I'm going to need a minute."
Robin, Oh. [Robin collects all of the papers off of Carly's bed and hurries out.]
Carly," [as she leaves] Thank you. [to Wilson, as he shuts the door] There are two Dr. Wilsons in the hospital. One in ophthalmology and one in cancer. [Wilson sits.] My eyes are fine, so you're here to tell me I have cancer."
Wilson, There's no cancer in your bone.
Carly, You're not smiling.
Wilson," There's something called referred pain. You could have cancer in one part of your body that presents in another. Given your age and your family history, I'm thinking your colon."
Carly," [to herself] Great. [to Wilson] I was at Columbia when my mom died. Now there's a blast. Cleaning up her vomit and running to my econ final. Look, if I'm a short-timer give me drugs, I'll go back to work, I'll die there."
Wilson," Whoa. There's a quick test to see if you Even have it, a colonoscopy."
Carly, I know how you do that test. [She shakes her head.]
Wilson," If you have colon cancer, we can treat it, it's early."
Carly, That's what they told my mom. She was dead six months later.
Wilson," You're a smart person about to make a very bad decision. You know, cancer treatment's come a long way in twelve years, but if you don't do this now ""ì"
Carly, I don't want to be looked at! [pause]
Wilson," There is another way. We could do a virtual colonoscopy. Basically, we do a CT scan of your colon. It's non-invasive, but it's very expensive. I assume that's not a pRoblem. [Carly looks at him.] Say yes."
House," Mr. Van Der Meer. [Dad is typing on his laptop.] What? [Dad types ""wHats werong gwith ricky""ù] Relax, Ricky's going to be just ""finkf""ù. Strep throat, here's a prescription for an antibiotic. He should be all better in a few days. Although, [House turns around wielding a needle] this might sting a little. [He approaches the dad, who looks frightened. House looks up to the ceiling, and when the dad looks up, House injects him in the neck.] I want to see you again real soon. [Evil smile!]"
Wilson, Virtual colonoscopy was clean. No colon cancer.
House, What happened to a regular old-fashioned colonoscopy?
Wilson, She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!
House, Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?
Wilson, She's scared.
House, But not of tests. Just embarrassing ones.
Wilson, Yeah.
House," It's not an inflammatory process, it's not a clot because Chase's angio says so, and it's not cancer because her toosh is perfect. Anybody else got an Aunt ELisawith weird stuff? [He looks at the angiogram.]"
Cameron," Maybe it's worth looking into ""ì"
House, I thought you said Carly's angio was clean.
Chase, It was clean. [House puts the scans up on his light board.]
House, You guys see the pRoblem here? [Foreman gets up to get a closer look.]
Foreman," There's no indication of any abnormalities. No lesions, no spurs, no masses ""ì"
House, Her toes are screwed up. They're backwards. Do you guys know how much surgery it's going to take to swap them back?
Chase, What are you talking about?
House, Either she literally has two left feet or you angio-ed the wrong leg.
Chase," [gets up to look] That's impossible. It can't be the wrong ""ì"
House, Or maybe it was Jenny! How come some resident signed this radiology form? Were you Even in the room?
Chase," I'll redo her angio straight away ""ì"
House," You'll do nothing! Foreman, you do the angiogram. [Foreman leaves.]"
Chase, I can't beliEve I did that.
Carly, Why do we have to redo the angiogram?
Foreman, There was a shadow on the first test.
Carly," A shadow? A shadow means there could be a blood clot, right? I read Conn's Current Therapy."
Foreman," Real page turner. No, it's not that kind of shadow."
Carly, My chest hurts.
Foreman," It's from the tracer I injected. Might also get a little nauseous, or have a metallic taste, all normal."
Carly, I'm a runner. I shouldn't feel like this.
Foreman," Carly, I'm looking at your vitals right now, and ""ì"
Carly, I can't breathe. [She starts to choke.]
Foreman, Carly?
Carly, My chest! [Foreman grabs his stethoscope and listens to her lungs.] My chest. [CG shot of fluid filling her lungs.]
Foreman," Respiratory arrest, call the code."
Tech, What've you got?
Foreman, She's drowning. [Carly starts to flail.]
Cameron," Foreman did a thoracentesis to drain the fluid from her lungs. They sent the fluid to the lab, it'll be back in a few hours. You'll be happy to know that Chase's mistake didn't cost her. Angio rEvealed no clot."
House," I'm thrilled. [Cameron leaves. House is still staring at the white board. While thinking, he twirls his cane, throws his ball!. He ends up erasing the board with Carly's physical symptoms, and starts to write her psych symptoms.]"
Wilson," Okay, see, now you're just being stubborn. It's cold, perfectly good excuse to wear your lab coat."
House, Carly needs a heart transplant.
Wilson, Thoracentesis rEvealed a transudate?
House, Haven't gotten it back yet.
Wilson," Her MUGA scan, what was the ejection fracture? Maybe you could treat it, surgically."
House, Haven't done the MUGA.
Wilson, How do you know she needs a heart transplant?
House, I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
Wilson, Since when do I need the secret pass code to talk to you?
House, I can't tell you anything. Professional responsibility.
Wilson, Like that matters to you.
House," Not my professional responsibility, yours. New regime, you gotta keep your head down, too."
Wilson," Now, that's good thinking, because I was going to go right to Cuddy and rat you out as soon as you were done talking."
House," I'm not saying you want to, I'm saying you'd be obligated to."
Wilson," Because of my position on the Board? [House looks at him.] Because of my position on the transplant committee? [House says nothing.] Hey, you brought this up for a reason. You need to talk to me."
House, I can't.
Wilson, You sure you're doing the right thing?
House, I've come up with a few really great rationalizations. [Chase and Cameron walk up.]
Chase, Sorry to interrupt. We have a pRoblem.
Cameron," Thoracentesis rEvealed a transudate. [Wilson looks, well, amazed.] We did an echo. She's in sEvere congestive heart failure. She needs a heart transplant. We'll get her on the list immediately ""ì"
House, She's already on the list.
Cuddy, Come in.
Vogler," Thanks. What is a ""Department of Diagnostic Medicine""ù?"
Cuddy, That's Dr. House's department. They deal with cases that other doctors can't figure out.
Vogler," It's a financial black hole. [He sits.] Department costs us $3 million a year, treat one Patient a week."
Cuddy, He saves one Patient per week.
Vogler, What about Everyone else? His department's not going to find the cure for breast cancer.
Cuddy," Uh, maybe not, but ""ì"
Vogler, Are you sleeping with House?
Cuddy, [a bit shocked] What? No.
Vogler," But you did, right? A long time ago?"
Cuddy, That's an incredibly inappropriate question.
Vogler," If your judgment is compromised by prior or current relationship, that is my business."
Cuddy," I respect him, that is all you need to know."
Vogler, He's still not wearing a coat.
Cuddy," Well, I told him ""ì"
Vogler," I'm sure you did. And yet, he's not wearing it. I'm just wondering if that's a reflection on him, or on you. [Cuddy gives a non-smile.]"
Carly," You're Dr. House. I found a picture of you online at a conference ""ì"
House, You need a heart transplant.
Carly," I run, I work out, I ""ì"
House," You cut yourself. PRobably highly ritualized. You play the same Sarah MacLaughlin song over and over while you do it, pRobably works better than anti-depressants."
Carly," I don't understand how that has to ""ì"
House," You're a high-powered bulimic. You make yourself throw up. You have to find the most efficient way to vomit without rEvealing the tell-tale signs of bulimia, which is all, eugh. Very unseemly, for a CEO. So, you found a common antidote for accidental poisoning to do the job: ipecac. Which is great, if your kid's just swallowed a bottle of aspirin, but really, really bad if it's a habit. It causes muscle damage. It caused the pain in your leg. And it destroyed your heart. How often do you do it?"
Carly, Three times a week.
House," In about an hour, there's going to be an emergency meeting of the transplant committee to discuss where you fall on the list should a new heart become available. PRoblem is, I am required to tell the committee of your bulimia, it's a major psyParkatric condition. Ranks right up there with suicidal, makes you a very bad risk."
Carly, So you're here to tell me I have just a few hours to live?
House," Unless I lie to the committee. But if they find out, I lose my medical license. This would be a very good time to offer me a bribe. How much is your life worth, how much is my job worth ""ì"
Carly, Why are you here doing this to me? What do you want?
House, I want to know what's right.
Carly," Am I worth it? You think I'm pathetic. Has a good job, Everything in the world, but she just doesn't like the way that she looks ""ì"
House," Oh, stop hiding! [Carly looks taken aback at his yelling.] I'm asking you if you want to live or die, you can't Even say that!"
Carly, What do you want me to do? Cry?
House," Yes! I want you to tell me that your life is important to you, because I don't know! [pause] Because that's what's on the table right now: your life. [He turns to leave; Carly grabs his arm.]"
Carly, [crying] I don't want to die. I don't.
House," This 32-year-old female was admitted by my staff because of paralysis and pain in her right thigh. Patient rapidly deteriorated and now has sEvere congestive heart failure. Pressers and vasodilators have not improved her conditions whatsoEver. Pulmonary function tests show an FVC of over 3 liters with EDD-1 of at least 90% of predicted. And preserved FEB/FEC ratio and preserved DLCO as well. [Ed note: These were rattled off so fast, I have no clue if the acronyms are right.] Her MUGA had an ejection fraction of 19% with no focal wall or motion abnormalities. Heart catheterization rEvealed clean left, right and circumflex arteries, and subsequent biopsy rEvealed irrEversible cardiomyopathy. [wrapping up] Which is why we're here."
Cuddy," Uh, Dr. House, I'm confused by your time and date stamps. It appears that you put Carly on the transplant list before you did these tests."
House, I had a hunch.
Cuddy, You don't have hunches. You know.
House," Look, if the tests had come back differently, obviously I would have taken her off the lists, but on the long shot! [Vogler walks in and takes a seat on the sidelines] On the long shot I was right, I didn't want to waste time."
Cuddy, Is there any exclusion criteria we should know about?
House, CAT scan rEvealed no tumors and Dr. Wilson found no trace of cancer.
Cuddy, What about any other criteria?
House," No atherosclerotic vascular disease ""ì"
Cuddy," Are there any ""ì"
House," No pneumonia, no bacteriemia, no Hep-B or C or any other letters."
Cuddy," Substance abuse? Any history of ""ì"
House," No alcohol, no drugs."
Cuddy," Any psyParkatric conditions, history of depression ""ì"
House," She's a little blue, but turns out she needs a heart transplant. [Cuddy glances at Vogler, who gives her a pointed look.]"
Cuddy," Dr. House, if you subvert or mislead this committee, you will be subject to disciplinary action. [pause]"
House," Dr. Cuddy, do you have any reason to think that I would lie?"
Cuddy, I simply want you to answer the question! Is there anything on the recipient exclusion criteria that would disqualify your Patient from getting a heart?
House, [looks at Wilson and Vogler before answering] No.
House, Beautiful organ donor weather.
Wilson," [in his best ""hands-on-hips""ù confrontation voice] You lied, didn't you?"
House, I nEver lie.
Wilson, Big mistake.
House, Then you should have voted against putting her on the list.
Wilson, You're my friend.
House," Oh, jeez. Have some backbone. If you think I'm wrong, do something."
Wilson," Wait, you're getting mad at me for sticking up for you?"
House, You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.
Wilson, Our friendship is an ethical responsibility. [House's beeper beeps.] What is it?
House, My Patient's getting a heart.
Cameron, He's not gonna fire you.
Foreman, I'd fire you. Bye bye.
Chase," If I screw up, the Patient dies! I'll nEver get another job."
Foreman, So go stick your head between your legs and lick your wounds in Stadt.
Chase," Well, I like it here. [pause] You guys don't think it's weird House knew the Patient needed a heart transplant before we did any heart tests?"
Cameron, That's House. He knows things.
Chase," But usually, he's putting it in our face, telling us how clEverly he figured it out. This time, nothing. Just ""I had a hunch.""ù"
Foreman, It is weird.
Surgeon," Okay, ready for the donor heart. [They inject her heart and we hear the monitors flatlining.]"
Cameron," They just stopped Carly's heart. And your dumb Patient ""ì"
House," They're all ""ì oh, the guy who can't talk."
Cameron," Mr. Van Der Meer, he scheduled an appointment to see you."
House," Oooh, goody."
Cameron, I wanted you to know Chase is worried you're going to fire him.
House," It's bad enough that screw-ups cost lives. Now we've got Vogler, screw-ups cost jobs. I want Chase scared. I want him doing Everything he can to protect his job."
Cameron," Dr. House, if you were in his position wouldn't you be more likely to perform well if you were reassured and ""ì"
House," Oh, will you stop it with the book! Why are you doing this?"
Cameron, I'm not doing anything.
House, You're Manipulating Everyone.
Cameron," People! dismiss me. Because I'm a Woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not aggressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me."
House, They like you. Everyone likes you. [He starts to walk away.]
Cameron, Do you? [dramatic pause. House stares at Cameron blankly.] I have to know.
House, No.
Cameron, [quietly] Okay. [She walks away.]
House," [looking at his watch] 5 hours, 23 minutes, that's fast."
Robin, Is that good or bad?
House," It depends. Either surgery went really well, or it ended really abruptly."
Surgeon, Textbook. She'll outlive us all.
House, Thank you.
House," So, sing for me. [Dad looks at House, and then grabs his laptop.] Oh, no, no, no, no! come on, look. When you had your surgery, you were intubated. Surgeon stuck a tube down your throat. Now, it nEver happens, and it's nEver caught, but it happens. Your vocal chords were paralyzed. I treated the spastic dysphonia with Botox. Ironically, a substance that tightens Every other corner of your face actually loosens the tongue. I have healed you. You can talk. [Dad shakes his head.] Oh, well. [House goes to leave, and as he does!] BOOOO! [Dad grasps his laptop in fear, but no scream.] Okay, you don't have to say anything, it can be our little secret. If you can talk, blink twice. [Dad stares at House.] But you're not going to, because you think you won't be entitled to the money you won in the settlement with Simpson. Yesterday I would have said you'd have to give the money back. Today! hospital's come into a lot of money, mum's the word. [Dad blinks twice, and House smiles. Dad smiles back, and all is cheery in Exam Room one.]"
House, Hey.
Carly, Hey.
House," I know the cardiologist has given you some guidelines, schedule of medications, and a strict diet: just what someone with an eating disorder needs. So, I thought I'd get you started. [He grabs a Styrofoam take-out container.] Fried Parkcken from the Carnegie Deli."
Carly, You're kidding.
House," Yeah. Actually, I got it downstairs. [Carly laughs a bit.]"
Carly," Why did you fight for me? You risked so much, and you hardly know me."
House," You're my Patient. Don't screw it up. [Carly nods, and House leaves.]"
House," [over the music] Love this part! [switches to air drums, and! Vogler turns off his music] Okay. He ruined it."
Vogler," Just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I'm Vogler, new ChairMan of the Board. In a way, I guess that makes me your boss."
House, I am sorry about the lab coat thing. The dry cleaners destroyed it. [Vogler laughs and sits.]
Vogler," That was my very first heart transplant meeting, very exciting."
House," Trust me. Six Flags, way more exciting."
Vogler, Patient's very lucky to have such a passionate doctor who stands up for what he beliEves in.
House, Sweet of you to say.
Vogler," Yeah. 'Fraid you've been duped, though. [He pulls out the bottle of ipecac from his pocket.] The nurse found this in the Patient's purse. [pause]"
House," Oh, my. If only I'd known."
Vogler, Tough being a doctor. You've got all that power. The power to play God.
House," Yes, I don't envy the transplant committee their responsibility. They basically would have been forced to kill that poor girl. I'm not sure I could have done that."
Vogler," This is not a game to me, Dr. House."
House," No. This is actually more like we're dancing right now, so let's get to the point. You don't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like you. It's nothing personal, I don't like anybody. But none of that really matters, does it, because you've got money, and I've got tenure. You need full board approval to get rid of me. I've got Cuddy."
Vogler, Right.
House," And Wilson. So, as long as we're stuck with each other, we might as well ignore each other. [He turns on the iPod and out comes ""Hava Nagila""ù. The music is quickly turned off.] That wasn't nearly as dramatic as I was hoping."
Vogler," [smiles as he rises] I looked into that tenure thing, and you're right. It's actually easier for me to get rid of a board member like Cuddy or Wilson than to get rid of a doctor. That's interesting, isn't it? [House is left with something to think about.]"
Bill," If you testify, no one can protect you. Especially the Feds."
Everhardt," We'll keep you safe, Joey."
Bill, Right. Witness Protection. This great new life he's giving you? You're sacking groceries at some goat-town Stop and Shop when one of the Talli guys comes up and puts two in the back of your skull.
Everhardt," Counselor, are you advising a witness to withhold evidence from a federal grand jury?"
Bill, He came forward; he volunteered. I'm advising him not to testify until I'm satisfied you can protect him.
Joey," Hey, you guys mind? I got money on this."
Everhardt, [to Bill] What do you want? We gave you Everything you asked for.
Joey, I asked for pasta.
Everhardt," You got steak, enjoy it. [Joey shakes his head and takes out a cigarette.]"
Bill, What are you doing? [He takes the cigarette from Joey's mouth.] Where's your quit candy? I just gave you a pack.
Joey," Yeah, sorry, I forgot."
Bill," Joey, whatEver they give us, what they tell you, you get popped, what am I going to do? Sue them?"
Joey, That's not what this is about. You're gonna miss me.
Bill," I'm your Lawyer, Joey."
Joey," You're my brother. And I do this, you know, go into Witness Protection, we're nEver gonna see each other again."
Bill, That doesn't bother you?
Joey," Kills me. [pause, then gets up] Hey, I gotta take a leak. [He falters, and puts a hand to his head.]"
Bill, You all right?
Joey," Yeah, yeah, just, uh, little dizzy!"
Bill, Get some air.
Joey," And hot. [He grabs an end table for balance, which falls, and he collapses.]"
Bill, Joey! [He runs over.]
Everhardt, What did you say to him?
Brady," Yeah, nice try. [He grabs Bill and tries to get him away.]"
Bill," Let go of me! Let go of me, can't you see he's sick?"
Everhardt, Joey! Joey!
Bill, Something's wrong with him! [He breaks free to move back to Joey.]
Everhardt," Come on, you're not getting out of this that easy! Either you're dead, or you're testifying. [Bill slaps Joey's cheeks lightly, but Joey is out.]"
Cuddy, Don't have it.
Vogler, Budget?
Cuddy, Nope.
Vogler," REvenue statement, list of expenses!"
Cuddy, House has been very busy.
Vogler," Saving New Jersey from leprosy, yes, I know. Getting me his numbers, that's your job. [House barges in.]"
Cuddy, We're in a meeting.
House, Need the Lawyer.
Vogler, Who'd you kill?
House," Nobody, but it's not Even lunch. Got served with a federal court order. Some witness went into a coma and they want me to take a look at it. [He tries to hand the paper over to Cuddy, but Vogler snatches it.]"
Vogler, What? They want you to examine a sick person? This is a public relations nightmare. Don't think our staff do that kind of thing around here! this place would be crawling with sick people!
House," I'm a doctor, I'm not a lapdog for the feds; I don't play fetch."
Vogler," Nobody tells you what to do. Am I right, Dr. Cuddy?"
Cuddy," You have three choices: hire a Lawyer to fight the order, treat the guy, or go to jail for contempt. Up to you."
House," [grabs the papers back] Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. [to Vogler] Conjugal visit, that's her new fantasy. [Vogler tries not to laugh as House leaves.]"
Vogler, We're not leaving until he's gone or you show me one good reason for keeping him.
House," He's really out of it, huh?"
Foreman," Causes of coma: metabolic, structural ""ì"
Chase, [looking at the file] He had his stomach pumped! Why would they do that?
House, Rule out poisoning.
Chase, Huh. Not the typical first guess.
House," No, the first guess was faking it. Patient's a federal witness, reluctant, I'm assuming. He's also an 8 on the Glasgow coma scale."
Foreman, [whistles] That's barely alive. Pretty tough to fake it.
Cameron," Any recent history of head trauma? Bad car accident, fall?"
House," They tell me no, but do an MRI to be sure. [They round the corner to Diagnostics, Bill is standing by the door.]"
Chase," Metabolic causes. Liver, kidney, diabetes ""ì"
House," Check for Everything, feds are paying. We're gonna turn a profit on this one, boys."
Bill," Dr. House, Bill Arnello. [He shakes House's hand.] I'm a Lawyer, I represent Mr. Smith. What's wrong with him?"
House, Do I come to you with my pRoblems?
Bill, He's also my brother.
House," What, you changed your name? ""Smith""ù wasn't good enough for you?"
Bill," His name's Joey, he's my only brother."
House," He's important to you, got it. So, no placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine. [Elevator dings, House gets in.] Well, this was fun, let's do it again soon. [Bill follows him in.] Brother in the Mafia? [Door closes, because the elevator door has the best sense of dramatic/comedic timing in the whole show.] So, just Joey? I was hoping for a nickname. Joey Mango. Joey the Wrench. [Bill hits the emergency stop.] People know where I am."
Bill," I want you to do your job. Diagnose him, fix him, and keep him here."
House, We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with Patients when they're actually sick.
Bill," If you release my brother to the government, and he does what they want, Even if you fix him, he's dead. I need time to convince him of that. [He shuts off the stop.] Good news is, if you screw up you don't have to worry about a malpractice suit. If he's dead, one by one, I'll take away the things you love 'till there's nothing left. [Elevator opens, House leaves.]"
House," So, on the Mafia thing, that's a yes."
Cameron, Did House seem weird to you?
Chase, Are you expecting him to be weird?
Cameron, We spoke about how we felt.
Chase, You told him you liked him?
Cameron," No, of course not."
Chase," What are you talking about, then?"
Cameron, I asked him if he liked me.
Chase, Why would you do that?
Cameron, Because I like him.
Chase," You like him, like him?"
Cameron," Doesn't matter, he doesn't like me."
Chase," Hey, he doesn't like anybody. And nobody likes him."
Chase, MRI showed a subdural hematoma.
Foreman, Bleeding around his brain caused pressure inside his head which caused the coma.
House, [looking at the scan] These look like pseudomembranes. Those take time to form. If it was an old injury it wouldn't have caused the coma.
Cameron, Patient history indiCates he was hit with a tire iron in 1996. Brother says he was changing a tire and it slipped.
Foreman," Subdural hematoma placed where this one is, it could have caused his coma."
House, What about his liver?
Cameron, LFTs are slightly elevated.
Chase," Key word is slightly. As in, not high enough to cause the coma. It's the subdural."
Foreman," I say we evacuate the cavity, see if he wakes up."
House," The neurologist thinks it's his brain, wants to open up his head. Frankly, I'm shocked! You get to use the big boy drill and Daddy's big red toolbox."
Joey, No drilling. [Egads! He's awake!] Hi.
Foreman, Mr. Smith!
Joey," Call me Joe. [Foreman tries to shine a light in his eyes.] Can you not do that? So, we're clear about the no drilling?"
Chase," He's okay now, he can leave."
House, I'm not releasing him.
Chase, Because the brother doesn't want you to?
House," Or because he had an unexplained coma, which sounds better?"
Chase, The hematoma caused the coma.
House," That's a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that."
Foreman," I think Chase is right. It still should be evacuated, but it's not an immediate threat."
House, Cameron's my girl.
Cameron, I'd release him.
House," Are you disagreeing with me because ""ì"
Cameron, I'm disagreeing because that's my medical opinion.
House," Of course it is. But unless I've been named as the fourth part of the Axis of Evil, invaded and occupied, this is still not a democracy. He's staying. Send for Hepatitis serologies and an autoimmune panel. [He enters the clinic.]"
House," Hey. I'm with you. Old enough to drink, old enough to do something really stupid and make yourself a baby."
Henry, He's my brother. I'm watParkng him while my parents are in Barbados. He's having trouble breathing and there's a lot of wheezing.
House," [listing to the kid's breathing with his stethoscope] Whistling, technically. Upper airways, nose."
Henry," If he's got the croup, that could become meningitis, right?"
House, Absolutely. [He leans over the kid.]
Henry, I was just studying and all of a sudden I hear him crying and sounding all weird. My parents are going to kill me. [House reaches into the kid's nose with tweezers.]
House, I doubt it.
Henry, You don't know them.
House," No, I doubt you were studying while your parents were away. [He retriEves a tiny toy policeMan from the kid's nose.] Hello, Officer. You might want to rinse this off before you let him play with it again. [His beeper beeps.]"
House, What happened? Where is he?
Foreman," Vogler called admitting, admitting called Justice, Justice came and took him away."
House, And who called Vogler? [All the ducklings look at each other.]
Vogler, He loses money.
Cuddy," So does ophthalmology. Who cares, this is a hospital. You can't just cut a department!"
Vogler, You can't control him.
Cuddy, I am the only one that can control him. [House barges in again.]
Vogler, D-D-D-D-Dr. House in the House! Impeccable timing as always.
House, You had no authority to release my Patient.
Vogler, My colleague has just informed me that she has a singular talent. You are just in time for a demonstration. [sits down to enjoy the show]
Cuddy," Dr. House, from what I understand, your ""ì"
House, From what you understand? He's not your Patient; how the hell do you understand anything?
Vogler, That's sad.
House, You're not Even a doctor.
Vogler, John Smith is here only because of court order. I had the records faxed to the Judge; she rescinded the order.
House," Why bother, just to piss me off?"
Vogler, Keeping the government off our ass. Hmm. Yeah. [House's beeper beeps.] That makes no sense for a public institution.
House, Okay. [turns to leave]
Cuddy, Okay what?
House," Okay, sir. Carry on. [He leaves.]"
Cuddy, He really cares about his Patients.
Vogler," Yeah, and he just walked out of here with nothing. Something's up."
Everhardt, He just started vomiting and passed out
Paramedic," 35-year-old male, vital signs are stable now. Gave him 2 liters en route. Just released from here two hours ago. [Cuddy and Vogler walk up.]"
House," So, your junior G-Man badge isn't looking so good."
Chase, His liver's worse.
House, Comatose?
Cameron," No, completely different symptoms than the first time."
Chase, Serology tests came back positive for Hep-C.
House, Hep-C is a chronic condition. You don't think this is an acute situation?
Chase," Coma, vomiting, abdominal pain, Hep-C explains Everything."
House, Except for the suddenness of the onset.
Foreman, What's wrong with the timing?
House," You get home one night. Your wife hits you with a baseball bat. Likely cause is the fact you haven't thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for fur handcuffs she found in your pants. Sudden onset equals proximate cause."
Chase," He also has high estrogen lEvels in his blood. That's indicative of a chronic condition, not acute."
House, One test. What do his other liver tests tell us?
Cameron, Normal albumin lEvels point toward acute.
Chase, Uh-huh. And why is her test better than mine?
House, Because she's cuter. [Cameron looks uncomfortable.] Though it's close. Do a liver biopsy. When the results come back we'll know what we're looking at.
Chase," Why wait to treat the Hep-C? If I'm right, Joey gets better that much faster."
House," Right. Then he gets to testify, and you get a gold star from Cuddy."
Chase, Then what's the downside? Or is that the downside.
House," Do I have a reason for not wanting you to get any stars? [Everyone looks confused.] Fine, start the treatment. It's all your idea. Don't Even mention my name. There's nothing wrong with your theory, go. [They all get up.] But in the ""humor me""ù department, get a biopsy while you're at it. [They start to leave.] Foreman, we need to talk. [House and Foreman enter House's office.] You're off the case."
Foreman, What? Why?
House, Somebody told Vogler that I lied to the transplant committee.
Foreman, You think I did?
House, You're too careful. You wouldn't jump ship unless you knew what was in the water.
Foreman," Stop, you're embarrassing me."
House," But I want Vogler to think I think it's you. And I want Cameron and Chase and Cuddy and Wilson and the nursing staff and the cashier in the Parking lot to think that, too."
Foreman, [to himself] Right.
Chase, The blood tests show you have Hepatitis C. It's a virus that infects the liver.
Bill, No way.
Chase," Well, it's not all bad news. It can often be cured, and Even if not, it's Manageable."
Bill, How'd my brother get this?
Chase," Usually it involves the exchange of bodily fluids, the, uh ""ì"
Bill," Bodily fluids, what are you talking about?"
Chase," There are Many ways the virus can be transmitted. Sharing needles, blood transfusions ""ì"
Bill," Hey! [He gets up and points his finger in Chase's face.] Nobody talks to my brother like this, okay?"
Chase," Fine. I've no idea how he got it. But he has Hepatitis-C. We're going to start him on Interferon ""ì [Bill slaps Chase across the face.]"
Bill," He doesn't have it, don't mention it again, don't treat him for it. [Chase flips his hair out of his eyes and looks mad, but does nothing.]"
Cuddy," House has some directed donations, foundation support! [leafing through folder] It's around here!"
Vogler," He makes you miserable. Eight years he's worked here, nEver made a dime for you, nEver listened to you."
Cuddy," He can change, he's ""ì"
Vogler," He hasn't changed in eight years. Either he can't change, or you can't change him. You have no idea how Many times he's lied to you, undercut your authority, made you look like crap to other doctors."
Cuddy," Yes, I hate him, and here I am, desperately trying to protect his job. What does that tell you?"
Vogler, That you don't hate him.
Cuddy, I do not protect people I like. I protect people who are assets to this hospital.
Vogler," No. That's me. You, you're softer."
Cuddy, Right. There are three female Parkefs of Medicine at major hospitals in this country and we all got there using our feminine wiles.
Vogler, It's huMan nature to wanna protect people we like.
Cuddy, I don't like him!
Vogler," We think if we can just form the right team, we'll all get along, be able to pull the boat ""ì"
Cuddy, I don't get along with him!
Vogler," Well, this is not a team, it's not a boat, it's not a maParkne that has a lot of parts that have to work together. The metaphors are all crap. This is a business. That's all it is. You like him, that's bad for business."
Henry," Ah, this is all my fault."
House, Took another homework break with Betty Lou?
Henry," No, last week I showed him a magic trick."
House, Pulled a quarter out of his nose. It's a classic.
Henry," Yeah, now he won't stop shoving stuff up there. [Bill enters.]"
Bill, Dr. House.
House, Got a crisis here!
Henry," [to the kid] It's okay. [But it's not okay, as the kid shakes his head, growls, and tries to bite House's hand.]"
Bill," [to kid] Stop! [Kid shuts up, allowing House to pull a firefighter out of his nose.]"
House, It's a neat trick.
Bill, You have to beliEve you'll actually hurt them.
House, Ah.
Bill, Your people insulted my brother.
House," What, they put roMano in the parmesan cheese shaker again?"
Bill, Said he was a crackhead or a homo or something.
House," Those idiots. How Many times am I going to have to send them through sensitivity training? Nobody's saying he's a homo, that would be really, really bad. So let's put a nice, friendly spin on it. Let's go with: he got raped in prison. I saw the jailHouse tats, put it together with the blood tests!"
Bill," There were rumors, but Joey nEver said anything about!. If people find out he's being treated for Hep-C? Feds get that chart, someone says something to somebody, word'll get out. And then Joey's Manhood, his rep is destroyed."
House, You're worried about how his coworkers will react in the Walmart in Des Moines.
Bill," He's not going into Witness Protection, I won't let that happen."
House," Listen, I don't know if you know about this, but mob businesses sometimes keep two sets of books."
Bill," One legit, one not."
House, Exactly.
Bill, You jerking my chain?
House," Doctors are busy, sometimes they forget to write things down, it happens all the time."
Bill," Thanks. [He turns to leave.] Oh, and whatEver you're not giving him for whatEver he doesn't have, is that going to fix him?"
House, I doubt it.
House, On your way to polish Vogler's car?
Wilson," Gone are the days of the grumpy old doc seeing Patients in the basement of his House, getting paid a few Parkckens."
House, How will I eat?
Wilson," You know what Cuddy has been locked in with Vogler about all day today, and yesterday?"
House, Floor polish costs through the roof?
Wilson, You. Her secretary's been to the photocopier all day with your records. It's all they're looking at in there. [House looks shocked.]
House," My car has been stolen. [They look around for it, and see!]"
Wilson," Or rein-CAR-nated. [!a 1965 red Corvette in House's Parking space. Wilson picks up a piece of paper stuck in the windshield wiper.] Pink slip. ""A gift from the Arnello brothers.""ù"
House," [smiling] You know, they're gangsters, sure, but they're thoughtful, too."
Wilson, You can't keep it. It's graft.
House," No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. Graft is if I tell them I'll only make him better if he slips me a couple bucks. A payoff for something I'm not supposed to do. If I'd asked for the payoff (which I didn't), I would have done the bad thing anyway. So there's nothing wrong with this."
Wilson, Right.
House," Damn. '65. Perfectly restored. What do you think a guy like Joey would do if someone turned down a gift? That's kind of an insult, isn't it?"
Wilson, He might hurt you. It's definitely possible.
House, I'm screwed. Gotta take the car.
Cameron, Did you see House's new car?
Chase, Joey. He obviously can't keep it.
Cameron, You don't mind the hospital taking money from Vogler?
Chase," That's different, Vogler's legit."
Cameron, That's worse. Vogler's money came with strings.
Chase, Vogler doesn't set me up to have a mobster take a swing at me.
Cameron," I'm sure House didn't know ""ì"
Foreman," [entering] Joey's pressure dropped. Pushed IV fluids, now he's holding 100 systolic."
Cameron, Septic?
Foreman," No, looks like he's bleeding into his liver."
Chase, Varices. You see it with chronic Hep-C all the time.
House, [entering] Biopsy's back. Two findings. Number one: lymphocytic infiltrate and no bridging fibrosis.
Foreman," Well, whatEver's killing him is not Hep-C. It's acute."
House, Who said that? I forget. What are you doing here? I told you you were off the case.
Foreman," Right. Your diabolic plan to convince the evil genius he's in the clear so he'll let his guard down and make a fatal mistake, sure."
House," Well, it's clearly not going to work now."
Chase, What evil genius?
House," If we knew that, then we wouldn't need a diabolic plan now, would we?"
Foreman, House thinks someone ratted him out to Vogler.
Chase," Oh, what? One of us?"
House," No, you guys love me too much."
Chase," All right, look, if it's not the Hep-C, then what's the pRoblem? What's causing the liver failure?"
House, Finding number two: toxins.
Cameron," No. He's only 30 years old and his job doesn't expose him to heavy metals or environmental ""ì"
House," He's a 30-year-old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins, he has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him."
House," WhatEver this toxin is, it's doing its job and fast. How long do we have until the next round of test results?"
Chase, About four hours.
Foreman, Too bad his liver's only going to last another two.
Cameron, We're going to have to get him a new one.
Chase," What, in two hours?"
House," There is another way. Relax, it's kosher."
Bill, This is so bizarre.
Chase," Not really. We just take the blood out of Joey's body and run it through a pig. [CGI shot of the process described by Chase.] The pig's liver does what Joey's can't, cleans the blood, which we send right back to him."
Bill, And the pig makes him better?
Chase," No, just buys us some time to figure out what's poisoning your brother."
Bill, Like you do this all the time?
Chase," Oh, we've basically got a barn in the basement."
Cameron, Cross off hemlock.
Foreman, You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?
Cameron, Grows wild by the highways out here.
Foreman, How much do you like House?
Cameron, Chase has a big mouth.
Foreman, Yeah. He's pRobably the one who ratted to Vogler.
Cameron, I don't think that he would --
Foreman," Does it hurt when you're with House? Little pain in the tummy, but it sort of feels good, too?"
Cameron, I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Foreman," You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it. [House enters the lab.]"
House, Anything?
Foreman," White blood count's low; pRobably a result of the illness, nothing to connect to the liver."
House, Is he a smoker?
Cameron, Let me check. [House goes to look at the chest x-ray.]
House, Early signs of emphysema. He's been smoking at least a dozen years.
Cameron, 18. You got that from the white count?
House," Nope, got that from the chest x-ray. White count just tells me he's quitting. [He goes to look over Cameron's shoulder, who looks uncomfortable.]"
Cameron, Two weeks ago. [House leaves.]
Foreman, How's your tummy?
Cameron, Flat and taut.
Brady, I've been on the job for 12 years.
Everhardt," You put $3,000 in your wife's checking account this morning. I want to know where it came from."
Brady, I got a perfect record.
Everhardt, Where did you get the money.
House," Cancel the thumb screws, I've got our culprit."
Everhardt, Who?
House," Not who, Hu."
Everhardt, Huh?
House," Thanks for playing along. Chai Hu, a Parknese herb in his quit smoking candy. Reduces cravings, also reduces his white blood count. Oh yeah, he also took enough of them to poison himself. We'll keep him on the pig for a few more hours, then take him off the candy, he'll be fine. Pig won't be. Oh no."
Joey, Hey.
Bill," Hey, you feeling better?"
Joey, Famished.
Bill, I think they've got fish sticks on the menu.
Joey, Makes me miss prison.
Wilson," So, the mobster's good to go?"
House," I'll keep him overnight, then let the feds know he's good to rat out whoEver he wants."
Wilson, Brother won't be happy.
House, Maybe have to give back the car.
Wilson, You should let Vogler tell the feds.
House, Why?
Wilson," Because it matters to him. Because you humiliated him the first time Joey was released. You think you should still be in third there, ace?"
House, He humiliated himself.
Wilson," And because your job depends on the kind of mood Vogler's in at the end of his marathon with Cuddy. Seriously, Man, have you Ever driven an automobile before? There are four gears, you know."
House, The '66 came with a Shut Up button.
House, It is my medical opinion that the Patient is healthy and can be released.
Vogler, Thanks for letting us know. [Vogler picks up the phone.] Give me the U.S. Attorney's office.
Cuddy, [to House] I see you've found out what we're meeting about.
House, You're having a meeting?
Cuddy," Well, whatEver the reason, the coat looks good on you. [looks at the chart] Chai Hu lozenges cause this kind of liver failure, no way!"
House," Not by themselves, but in combination with the Interferon it's like gas to a flame."
Cuddy, What Interferon?
House, For the Hep-C.
Cuddy, What Hep-C?
House, Oops.
Cuddy, Is hiding a mobster's Hep-C that important?
House, Is letting the feds know Everything that important? [House's beeper beeps.]
Cuddy," You know, you are a piece of work, Even now."
House, Ed!
Vogler, Edward.
House, Joey's back in a coma.
Chase," He's stable, but comatose."
Foreman," Worse than before, he's on a ventilator."
House," Question is, why? It's not his brain, it's not a toxin. Our friend Babe helped with that one. So what else?"
Chase," The Hep-C. We nEver really treated it, we stopped the Interferon when it started poisoning his liver."
House, Am I going to have to write a song about it? His chronic Hep-C was not bad enough to produce these symptoms.
Foreman, The estrogen lEvel indiCates it is.
House, IndiCates something else entirely.
Cameron," We can't give him Interferon now. There's still traces of the lozenges in his system. It'll just poison him again,"
Chase," Genetics. We don't just treat the virus, we change it. A non-nucleoside allosteric inhibitor."
Foreman, It's nEver been tried on a huMan being. It could kill him.
Chase," Well, what's the difference? He's dead without it."
Foreman, They're running a trial on dogs at St. Sebastian's in Philadelphia. I'll make the call.
House, [as the three others start to leave] What else could cause his estrogen lEvel to be that high?
Cameron," Nothing. [They leave, leaving House staring at the whiteboard.]"
Chase, We're going to put the medicine here. We don't want it to burn his veins when it goes in.
Bill, You have no idea if it will work.
Chase, It's shown promise in testing.
Henry," Maybe there's nothing up there, I watched him like a hawk. [Kid cries and screams.]"
House, Pretty sure you didn't.
Henry, I didn't let him play with any more little toys.
House," Thus forcing him to shove a big one up there. [Kid is still crying.] Stop or I snap your nose off! [And the kid stops crying! House pulls! a fire truck out of his nose, which goes with the policeMan and the firefighter.]"
Henry, He's not too smart.
House," Genetics is a powerful force. On the other hand, maybe he's smarter than you think."
Henry, What's going on?
House," Just give me a second. Always wanted to use one of these. [He grabs a big magnet, and demonstrates its use by picking scissors up off of the counter.] Tilt his head back."
Henry, I don't know.
House," Just tilt his head back. [He uses the magnet, and a metal cat comes out of the kid's nose.] Nice grasp of concepts, relationships. Very smart, very cool. First the policeMan, fireMan, fire truck. Your brother was sending in teams to save the cat."
Henry, Wow.
House," Sometimes the simplest answer! [ He trails off in thought, and Occam's Razor strikes again!]"
House, Most types of coma you just don't snap out of. [Chase enters.]
Chase," He's not snapping out of this one, he's not improving. You crossed out estrogen, you've got an explanation?"
House," Yes, I have. A very simple one."
Chase, And?
House, It's private.
Chase, You think I'm the one running to Vogler.
House," You're currently top of the list. Toxic comas, person's away from the cause long enough and they recover."
Chase," The feds checked for poisons, we checked for poisons. I didn't do it."
House," It's not a poison, then."
Chase," An allergy, then. Did you hear me?"
House, How about a food sensitivity?
Chase," All of his food is strictly controlled. There's no correlation between his meals and his condition. He had steak and potatoes before the first coma, and the hospital served fish sticks before the second one. You can trust me."
House," PRoblem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help."
House, So where did you get the money?
Brady, What?
House, Someone paid you off.
Brady," What are you talking about? It wasn't poison, you told us that it ""ì"
House, You're talking about poison. I'm talking about payoff. Graft.
Bill, Leave him alone.
House, You paid the marshal off.
Bill, I didn't pay him to poison my brother.
House," No, it just worked out that way."
Bill, I gave the guy some money to get him some decent food.
House, Better than fish sticks? I'm thinking steak.
Bill," We asked for pasta. Those stupid feds could care less ""ì"
House," He had steak before both comas. Your brother has Ornithine TranscarbAmylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes a while. It's genetic, it can present at any time. The Patient eats a large amount of protein, especially if he's not used to it."
Bill, That's it? He stays off the red meat and he's going to be fine?
House," Yes. If I'm right, and we stop the current treatment, he gets better. If we stop the current treatment and I'm wrong, he dies."
Bill, Why would you be wrong?
House," His estrogen lEvel. OTD doesn't explain his estrogen lEvel. But I have a theory. There is one chemical that, if ingested, can cause a person's estrogen lEvel to increase dramatically. [He sits in the waiting area.]"
Bill, What is it?
House, It's called estrogen.
Bill," Joey's taking estrogen? What, he wants a sex change?"
House," No, nothing like that. It's called Male Flame. It's pRobably more consumer friendly in the original Parknese. It's an herbal aphrodisiac marketed to gay men."
Bill," Oh, here we go."
House," And sold on the same website that sells his Chai Hu lozenges. Guess what's in it? Starts with an ""e""ù."
Bill," You want to get hit, too?"
House," That would be quite a trick. ""He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight.""ù Joey's a big-time mobster. Guys like that don't get raped in prison. They get gifts, they get food, drugs, cigarettes, cable TV!"
Bill, [sitting next to House] Joey is not gay.
House," Well, maybe not gay, but certainly delightful. You, on the other hand, hitting a doctor, Even if it was only Chase! and asking another one to keep his chart fresh and homo-free. Well, that's a bit of an overreaction, wouldn't you say? It's almost like you're scared that it might be true."
Bill, You're wrong.
House," Okay. Then don't stop the treatment. [starts to leave] But if you're wrong, he dies."
Bill," Okay. [House nods to Chase, who stops the medicine.] He nEver said anything to me about it, not once."
House," That's what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town! how's a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It's not just for witnesses any more."
Chase," You can go in now, sit with him if you want. [Bill walks away.]"
Bill, How much longer?
Foreman," It's only been three hours. If it's the OTD ""ì"
Bill," If it's the OTD? What if House is wrong, huh?"
Foreman," That sEvere a reaction, it'll take some time ""ì"
Bill," He makes assumptions about people, talks you into things."
Cameron, Mr. Arnello. He's awake. He wants to see you.
Joey," You look like crap. That's a joke, see. I'm sick, I said you look like crap ""ì"
Bill," You have no idea what I just went through out there. You kept getting worse, and Dr. House kept saying all this crap. If I think you're normal, then he's going to keep giving you the medicine, and if you weren't! [Bill is near tears.]"
Joey, Weren't what? [Bill sits.] Normal?
Bill," Yeah. He said you were a fag. Witness protection, that's your big chance to be one."
Joey, You beliEve him?
Bill, I don't know what to beliEve. You were sick. I had to make a decision. I thought you were gonna die.
Joey," [sits up] You beliEved him. He stopped the medicine. Here I am. [pause] I wanted to talk to you about this ""ì"
Bill," There's nothing to talk about. You, uh, ordered some Parknese internet health crap, they sent the wrong pills, you took 'em."
Joey," Yeah, yeah, that, uh, that must be it. [He lies back down. Bill walks over to him.]"
Bill," You want to testify, go ahead. I told the doc, he said it's okay."
Joey," I don't expect you to understand ""ì"
Bill," I don't. All I need to know is you're my brother, Joey. If you think this thing, whatEver, is going to make you happy, I think you should do it. You should. [Joey grabs Bill's hand, and they come to a silent agreement.]"
Cuddy, Vogler wants to fire you. Lose the whole department.
House," Good thing you fought for me, though, right? The dress was a nice move, but you've got to follow it up. Nasty weekend in Vegas, something that shows off your real administrative skills. [He pops a Vicodin.]"
Cuddy, He threatened to fire me. [She sits.]
House," I'm sorry. So, how long do I have? I've a lot of personal stuff to pack up. I assume you're going to want to throw a party."
Cuddy," I told him I know where the bodies are buried, the stuff he needs to know that's not in the books. Told him he can't ditch me."
House," He's only keeping you on because you know the secret handshakes. He's a quick study. Six months, he'll have the moves down. Then he won't need you any more."
Cuddy, I'll deal with that then.
House, So I stay.
Cuddy, Yes. But some things are going to change.
House, Profits. New world order.
Wilson, Huh.
House, Everything's about profits.
Wilson," Yeah, that's real new. You could rent out the Corvette Every once in a while, or lend it to a friend."
House," That would be easy, and it would be wrong."
Wilson, But Cuddy stood up for you.
House, To a point.
Wilson, To what point?
House, I gotta do six more clinic hours a month. So do two of them. [nods to the Ducklings on the other side of the wall]
Wilson, Why only two?
House," 'Cause one of them's gone. I gotta fire somebody. [House walks into the office, leaving behind a shocked Wilson. House and Wilson share a look through the glass before Wilson moves on and House starts the day with his team and trusty whiteboard.] Good morning."
s voice," Jessica! Jessica, come on! We've gotta go! [She comes to lean on the doorjamb.] Move it or lose it, sister."
Jessica, I don't feel good.
Mom, [feels her forehead] Oh. You don't feel warm.
Jessica, My stomach hurts.
Mom," Honey, if you don't have a fEver ""ì"
Jessica," I don't want to go to school, I can do my work at home."
Mom," Jessica, what's wrong?"
Jessica, Everybody hates me.
Mom," Oh, they don't hate you. They don't Even know you because they're too ignorant to try."
Jessica, I hate myself!
Mom," Jessica, don't say that. Oh, Honey, look at me, look at me. You are a wonderful, beautiful, little girl. Don't let a few bad apples ""ì"
Jessica, A few? [She starts to cry.] Try my whole class.
Mom," Remember the story where the guy keeps saying that he hates green eggs and ham, and then at the end he realized he really loved them? One day they're gonna realize what a great kid you really are. You've just gotta be like Sam I Am, and don't give up."
Jessica, Okay.
Some classmate," Come on, Jessica, hurry!"
 Conroy," That's it, keep going. Good, nice! You're doing great, Jessica. [A kid behind Jessica notices that the ground under her is moving and mimics Jessica.] Hey, hey Seth? You want to spend the rest of class sitting on the bench?"
Seth, No.
 Conroy," Keep going, Jess, you've got 40 more seconds."
Jessica, My arm hurts.
 Conroy," Come on, tough it up, you can do it."
Jessica, My chest hurts.
Seth, How do you think the ground feels?
 Conroy," [as kids laugh] Hey, Seth? Two laps, bye. Hey, Jess, it's just a stitch, okay? Just keep breathing, you got it."
Jessica, I can't.
 Conroy," Only 10 more seconds, you got it. [Jessica falls to the ground.] Jessica, Jessica! [He turns her over on her back.] Jessica! [He listens for her heart beat. CGI of her heart beating fast, and then stopping.] Oh, my God! Hey, go to the office, get Miss Parsons. Now! [Some kid runs. Mr. Conroy calls 911 on his cell.] I'm on a playground at Finley Elementary. One of my students is having a heart attack. Yeah, she's ten. Don't you think I know that? Just send the damn ambulance! [He starts chest compressions.] Come on, wake up, sweetie."
House, You Ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Cuddy," Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen. We need to talk."
House," Well, if pain's what you're after the penis is really the way to go. I'd recommend the apadravya."
Cuddy, We're not talking.
House, Oh? Sounded like we were.
Cuddy," No, you're attempting to avoid talking because you know what I want to talk about."
House, Nipples?
Cuddy, You need to get rid of one of your people.
House," Absolutely. As soon as I do perforMance reviews. And then review the reviews, of course. Because a decision like this can't be made without proper, you know, review. Shouldn't take longer than a month, maybe two. Four at the most, unless it gets compliCated."
Cuddy," There's no way out on this. You may as well get it over with as fast as you can, like ripping off a band-aid."
House, Only instead of a two-cent piece of tape and gauze it's a huMan being.
Cuddy, Like you care.
House," Like you don't. [The elevator opens, rEvealing Cameron.]"
Cuddy," You have a week. Get it done. [Cameron gets out of the elevator. House goes into the elevator, Cameron sighs and follows.]"
Cameron, We have a referral from Dr. Linkowitz.
House, Don't know him.
Cameron, He knows you.
House, What's the pRoblem?
Cameron, Heart attack.
House, Definitely don't know him.
Cameron, The Patient's ten.
Foreman, Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake.
House, Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.
Foreman," I meant, maybe the tests were wrong."
Cameron," That's what the ER thought. Three CKMBs were positive, the EKG shows classic signs of ST elevation. It's a heart attack."
Chase," She's morbidly obese. The ""morbid""ù part of that raises alarms."
Foreman," Come on, it takes decades to eat your way into a heart attack."
Chase," Doesn't take decades to kill yourself. If I was that fat, I'd be pretty tempted to knock back a bottle of pills."
Cameron," It's not a drug overdose. The fatigue, muscle pain, and difficulty concentrating have been bothering her for over a year."
Chase, That's because of her depression.
House," That's what five pediatricians, two nutritionists, and a psychologist said. The heart attack would seem to indiCate that they missed something."
Foreman, It's got to be something genetic.
Cameron, What about Metabolic Syndrome X?
Chase, Insulin resistance?
Foreman," Syndrome X could cause a stroke, but I don't know about a heart attack."
House," Could, if her blood pressure was high enough."
Cameron," Which is likely, considering her weight."
House," It fits the symptoms. Me likee. Do a hyperinsulinemic euglycemic clamp. [They get up to leave.] Oh, and one more thing. I've been told that I've got to get rid of one of you guys by the end of the week. New sheriff, belt tightening, you know how it goes. Okay, carry on. [He goes into his office.]"
Foreman," It's some kind of game, House's own version of ""Punk'd""ù."
Cameron," It's not House, it's Vogler. We can't let it get to us, we've got to stick together."
Chase, Why?
Cameron," What are you suggesting, we start slashing each other's throats?"
Chase, I'm suggesting it's a zero-sum game. Your loss is my win. That's not conducive to team play.
Foreman," Which is what House seems to want. I'm with Cameron. May be a bad strategy, but I don't want to give House his satisfaction. Come on, sick kid, remember?"
Mom, She's diabetic?
Cameron," No, but it's similar. MSX Patients don't respond normally to insulin, which causes her body to create too much, which causes metabolic abnormalities. We're going to do a test to be sure, but there are certain dangers."
Mom, Is this thing treatable?
Cameron, It's controllable through proper diet and exercise.
Mom, Wait. Jessica already eats right. And she exercises Every day!
Cameron," I know you've already seen sEveral nutritionists ""ì"
Mom, And we've done Everything they recommended.
Cameron," I understand, but ""ì"
Mom," Why can't any of you doctors see past her weight? If diet and exercise are the treatment, then the diagnosis is wrong."
Cameron," It might be, but the only way we'll know is if you'll let us do this test."
Lucille," It's really bad, especially at night. It's like my heart is on fire, like it's, uh, oh, I don't know, like it's!"
House, Burning?
Lucille, Exactly!
House," Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn."
Lucille," So, can you give me something?"
House, Like a thesaurus?
Lucille, What?
House, I take it you nEver mentioned this during any of your prenatal visits.
Lucille, Prenatal? I'm not pregnant.
House," Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules."
Lucille," I know when I'm pregnant, all right? I have six kids. That's why my husband had a vasectomy and we use condoms."
House," Vasectomies can rEverse themselves, condoms break."
Lucille," Okay. [She hops off the table and gestures to herself.] This is what a Woman is supposed to look like. Okay, we're not just skin and bones. We have flesh. We have curves."
House," You have little people inside you. [Lucille grabs her purse and heads to the door.] Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I guess I must have just been brainwashed by the media, and all those years of medical training."
Lucille, Damn right.
House, Let's see if I can find some antacids while the nurse gets some blood.
Lucille," Blood, why?"
House," The heartburn, gotta make sure it's not spreading."
Jessica, I don't want to.
Chase," The test involves some pretty precise measurements. If we don't know exactly how much you weigh, we won't get the right answers. [Foreman motions for Chase to move over ""ì he's got this one covered.]"
Foreman," Tell you a secret. When I was your age, I was heavy, too."
Jessica, Were you over 100?
Foreman, Way over. The kids in my neighborhood used to call me Rerun.
Jessica, Rerun?
Foreman," He was a heavy guy from TV. I used to pretend I liked it, but I didn't."
Jessica, How come you're not heavy any more?
Foreman," Ninth grade, grew five inches, Everything kind of Evened out."
Jessica, You think that'll happen to me?
Foreman," Well, yeah! I mean, your mom's tall, and you are a little short for your age. You'll pRobably spring right up. [She steps on the scale.]"
Chase, Obesity isn't something you just grow out of.
Foreman, Take it you've nEver seen a baby?
Chase," She's not a baby, she's ten!"
Foreman, And you figure making her feel like crap would do her a world of good?
Chase," Yeah, if it gets her off the couch!"
Cameron, I'm sure she's already under enough pressure.
Chase, Not from mummy.
Cameron, Everything in society tells us we have to be thin to be successful.
Chase," No, society tells you you have to be thin to be attractive. And guess what, that's what attractive means: that society likes looking at you."
Cameron, I think we should be telling our kids it's fine as long as they're healthy.
Chase, All right. You weigh 90 pounds because it makes you healthier?
Foreman, Forget it. He's just cranky because he's the one who's going to get the axe.
Wilson," So, any thoughts?"
House, On what? Sharon's plan for Gaza?
Wilson, Who you're gonna let go.
House, I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.
Wilson," Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers."
House," It will be more cost-efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase! well, I can grab his ass, too."
Wilson," You are uniquely talented in Many areas, but office politics is not one of them. Don't take Vogler on."
Cashier, Separate or together?
House, Together. [House leaves Wilson to pay for lunch.]
Chase, Increasing glucose to 6.9 milligrams per minute.
Mom, Are you okay?
Jessica, I'm thirsty.
Cameron," Just a little bit longer, and you'll be done."
Foreman, Like Dr. Chase.
Chase, Wanna put some money on it?
Jessica, I said I'm thirsty.
Cameron," Just five more minutes, okay, sweetheart?"
Jessica," I'm not your sweetheart, don't call me that."
Mom," Jessica, that's not nice."
Jessica, You're the ones who aren't nice.
Mom, Jessica!
Jessica, You're not either! I don't want to do this anymore! [She rips off the nasal prongs to help her breathe
Mom," Jessica! Jessica, you have to calm down! [She starts flailing.]"
Jessica, Let me go! [Lots of the upcoming dialogue is masked by Jessica's screaming.]
Cameron, She's gotta be getting hypoglycemic.
Mom, What's wrong?
Chase," Hey, calm down!"
Jessica," Let go of me! Get it out of me, you son of a bitch! Bastards!"
Foreman," She's sedated. Mrs. Simms, don't worry. Hypoglycemia can cause temporary psychosis and it's a common complication during a HEC procedure."
Mom, I nEver wanted it done in the first place.
Chase," We understand you're upset, but ""ì"
Mom, You were supposed to be monitoring her condition. but instead you were bickering and placing bets.
Cameron," I apologize if we weren't paying full attention to your daughter, but I assure you that ""ì"
Mom," Oh, please. Save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend. [House walks up.]"
House," You're wrong. She is, in fact, pathetically sincere. And they didn't screw it up."
Mom, Who are you?
House," I'm from the lab. The blood tests showed your daughter wasn't hypoglycemic, which means her psychosis wasn't caused by anything these doctors did."
Mom, So then what was it caused by?
House," I have no idea, but you'll be happy to hear it can't be cured by diet or exercise."
House, What else could cause uncontrollable rage in a ten-year-old?
Foreman, Nothing that could also cause a heart attack. [House starts to write on the whiteboard.]
House, I assume I don't have to point out that now would be an extremely good time for one of you to distinguish yourself with a brilliant idea.
Chase, A hypercoaguable state could cause a blood clot. Blood clots can cause a heart attack.
Cameron," More likely to cause a stroke, not the psychosis."
Chase," No, you're wrong. If the clot made it to the Amygdala area of the brain, it might cause uncontrollable rage."
Cameron," Right, because anything's possible, but nothing's going to cause multiple clots in a kid this age."
Chase, She's fat!
Cameron, Obesity doesn't cause blood clots.
Chase, Extremely obese Patients can get a fat embolus.
Cameron," Right, after they get liposuction which she's clearly nEver had."
Chase, How do you know?
Cameron, Because we have her medical records. And because no plastic surgeon in his right mind is going to give a ten-year-old liposuction!
Chase, Have you Ever met a plastic surgeon who was in their right mind? [Cameron looks really pissed.]
House, She hasn't had liposuction.
Cameron, Thank you.
House, But what about some other ridiculous obesity treatment?
Foreman, Like what?
House, Diet pills can cause heart attacks and blood clots.
Cameron, Her tox screen was negative.
House, Wouldn't show over-the-counter weight loss drugs.
Cameron, Her mother wouldn't give her diet pills.
Chase," [sarcastically] Yeah, she thinks her daughter's perfect just the way she is."
House," She's lying. Okay, you two, heparin and warfarin to prEvent further clotting. And you, [to Foreman] find those pills."
House," [shaking the bottle of Vicodin] Not diet pills. You might want to broaden the search just a little. And don't just ask the mom, if she hasn't mentioned yet, she's not gonna ""ì"
Foreman," If you're gonna fire someone, go ahead and do it, but don't treat us like lab rats, testing how long it takes us to get us at one another's throats."
House, So what should I do?
Foreman, I don't give a damn what you do.
House," Yes, I had noticed your complete indifference. You don't Even offer a medical opinion any more. Who would you fire?"
Foreman, Not my call.
House," I want your opinion. [Foreman starts to leave.] Fine, it's you. [Foreman turns around.] Either way, you're making a choice."
Foreman, Chase.
House, [slightly puzzled] Wh- Because he screwed up an angio a month ago?
Foreman, Anyone can make a mistake.
House," Right, it's the money. You resent it, but you're going to tell me he doesn't need the job."
Foreman, He doesn't appreciate the job.
House, He was ready to go three rounds with Cameron for it.
Foreman," He wants the job. He just doesn't appreciate it. There's nothing wrong with just wanting to hang out, but this is not the place to do it."
House, I'm surprised.
Foreman, You thought I'd pick Cameron?
House, I didn't think you'd pick at all.
House," I guess he's not the ""rise above the fray""ù guy he likes to think he is."
Wilson, You practically forced it out of him.
House," He's scared of losing his job, just like Everyone else."
Wilson," I've been thinking. You've made it quite clear that you're miserable here ""ì"
House, I am not miserable. [They enter the clinic.]
Wilson, You're not happy.
House, And you are?
Wilson," With! my job, yes."
House, I am exactly where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do.
Wilson, I think I sense a hint of sarcasm there. Why don't you pick yourself? Quit?
House, [looking at charts] Hmmm! I was wrong.
Wilson, About Vogler or Foreman?
House, Mrs. Hernandez's pregnancy tests.
Wilson, Who's Mrs. Hernandez?
House, Either a Woman carrying an alien baby or your newest Patient. [Wilson grabs the chart.]
Foreman," So, you nEver saw her with any pills? She nEver mentioned anything?"
 Ayers," No, of course not."
Foreman, Would it be all right if I talked to a couple of her friends?
 Ayers, Her friends?
Foreman," Well, I'm not going to interrogate them, but I just want to ask if Jessica Ever mentioned anything. It's pretty important, she's very sick."
 Ayers," I understand, it's just, well, Jessica really doesn't have any friends."
Foreman, Not one?
 Ayers," I've tried to help, make the kids include her more, but kids can be ""ì"
Foreman, Kids?
 Ayers," Heh, I was going to say jerks. [Bell rings.] All the fifth-graders are assigned an eighth-grade buddy. Maybe you could talk to hers."
Vogler, What's the status on House?
Cuddy, He asked for time to complete perforMance reviews on Everyone in his department.
Vogler, And you told him no and gave him how long?
Cuddy, A week. He'll do it. [Cameron starts to walk up.]
Vogler," Guy's nEver done what he's told. Don't see why he's going to start now. [Vogler walks over to talk to Cameron, who is dealing with clinic folders.] Hi! Vogler. Is Dr. House claiming that I'm forcing him to get rid of one of you? I assume his goal is to stir up antagonism toward me."
Cameron, And your goal is?
Vogler, I am forcing him. I'll do whatEver I can to ease the transition for whoEver he chooses.
Cameron," If you're feeling guilty about your decision, there is an easy solution."
Vogler, I don't feel guilty.
Cameron, Then why approach me and tell me all this?
Vogler," I don't feel guilty, that doesn't mean I don't feel bad. I'm rich, but I'm still huMan. [He smiles.] I just wanted you to know that if there's anything I can do for you, my door's open."
Cameron," Thank you. [Cameron walks away, and Cuddy confronts Vogler.]"
Cuddy, You looking for info? Thought you already had House all figured out?
Vogler," I do. Don't know his team, though. [He walks off.]"
Wilson," The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds."
Lucille," Oh, God."
House, It's actually a personal record for this clinic.
Wilson," [gives House a ""you're not helping""ù kind of look] But it's completely benign, there's no sign of cancer at all. I've already spoken with Dr. Bergin, and he's available first thing in the morning."
Lucille, For what? [House and Wilson look a little puzzled at this.]
Wilson, For the surgery.
Lucille," But if it's not cancer, it can't kill me, right?"
Wilson," [looks to House for help, but he's keeping his mouth shut on this one] !No."
Lucille, I'll have a huge scar! I won't be able to wear a bikini!
House, You wear a bikini now?
Lucille," Yeah, you got a pRoblem with that?"
House," Nope, but I've nEver gone swimming with you."
Lucille, I knew it. That's what this is all about! You are trying to force me to have cosmetic surgery!
House," Yeah, that's exactly why I planted a thirty pound tumor on your ovary."
Lucille," It's not gonna kill me. [House and Wilson share a ""are you hearing what I'm hearing?""ù kind of look.] The only thing surgery is going to do is change the way I look. That is the definition of ""cosmetic surgery""ù."
Wilson," Uh, it would also reliEve your heartburn and discomfort."
Lucille," Yeah, right. Why give an antacid when you can cut someone up and make them look a little easier on your eyes? [She hops off the table, grabs her purse, and sort of saunters to House.] My husband loves my body. He can't get enough of it. [At this point, Wilson is totally checking her out. Bad Wilson.] you think he's gonna want to touch me if I look like I've been gutted like a fish? [She leaves, slamming the door behind her.]"
Wilson, That was unexpected.
House," [nodding] Yeah, it was."
Clementine," All she does during recess is run laps around the playground. She says she's exercising, but Everyone knows it's just because no one wants to play with her. I mean, I'm only her buddy because Ms. Ayers assigned her to me. That does not mean I am her friend."
Foreman, I'll make sure her doctors are all clear on that.
Clementine, Thanks.
Foreman," So, has she Ever said anything to you about diet pills?"
Clementine," Heh, she told you that, too."
Foreman, What do you mean?
Clementine," I totally busted her for taking drugs one day. She totally lied, said they were diet pills her mom had given her. Come on, get real. No way a girl like that is taking diet pills."
Mom," I didn't give her diet pills, I would nEver do that!"
Foreman," Right, so it was her imaginary mom."
Mom," She didn't take any pills, the girl's lying!"
Foreman, Why would she lie?
Mom, Because she's another mean little jerk?
Jessica, Mom.
Mom," I'm sorry, Honey."
Jessica, Clemmie didn't lie. I did. I took the pills. I told her you gave them to me 'cause I didn't want to get in trouble.
Foreman, Where did you get them?
Jessica, I took them. From the store.
Mom, Why? Why would you do that?
Jessica, Because I didn't want to be ugly anymore.
Mom," Oh, baby. You're not ugly."
Jessica," Yes, I am! I know you don't think so, but I am! I'm disgusting."
Mom," Jessica, please, don't say that."
Jessica," I just, just wanted to fit in. You know, have friends? Or at least have one person my age be nice to me. [Mom and Jessica are both crying.]"
Foreman," Listen, the pills cause blood clots, heart attacks, and insomnia. It explains Everything. We'll keep her overnight to make sure, but she'll be fine."
Mom, Thank you.
Cameron, I can't beliEve she was that desperate.
House," Yeah, I'm sure that if Everyone I knew hated me, I couldn't bear to look at me. I wouldn't go so far as to shoplift."
Cameron, I'm not talking about the shoplifting.
Foreman, I'm sure she didn't Even know they were dangerous. She pRobably saw them advertised on TV or over the internet.
Chase," Right, so I guess it's the media and pharmaceutical companies' fault now? [He hands House a cup of coffee. House is puzzled at this gesture of sucking up.] Not the fact that she can't stop shoving food down her throat. No one forced her to get fat."
Cameron, No one forced a cancer Patient to get cancer.
Chase," Give me a break, it's not a disease."
Foreman, Have you seen the latest research?
Chase," Yes, I have. What I haven't seen lately is a kid eating an apple or riding a bike. You Americans can't Even compete with the rest of the world in basketball anymore, unless, of course, it's the type you play with a remote control on a big screen TV."
Foreman, Right. [He gets up and starts to walk off.]
House," [stuttering] Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams! [Foreman's beeper beeps, then Chase's, then Cameron's! they all have different beeps that sound quite nice together, but that's not the point of this.]"
Jessica," Oh, my God!! Mommy, they hurt so bad!"
Foreman, [entering] What happened?
Jessica, Please help me!
Mom, She's bleeding!
Cameron, From where?
Jessica," Oh, my god! [Cameron lifts the neck of Jessica's gown to rEveal open, bleedling lesions on her chest.] Just please stop it, please!"
Cameron, Diet pills don't cause skin necrosis.
Chase, Could be something related to the pills.
Cameron, Or not.
House," Or both. Diet pills brought her to us, we gave her the sores."
Foreman, You think she got a staph infection from something here?
House," I'm not saying the hospital gave the sores, I'm saying we did. By treating her. Warfarin-induced skin necrosis."
Cameron, Highly unlikely. We started her on heparin before the warfarin.
House, Who gave her the heparin?
Chase," I gave warfarin, she gave heparin."
House, Sure you didn't both give her warfarin?
Cameron," Yes, I did not screw up."
House, [to Chase] Did you actually see her prepare and administer the heparin? [pregnant pause] Enough said.
Cameron, You were standing right there.
Chase, I was preparing my own dose.
Cameron," Yeah, right. There's gotta be some other cause."
House," None that I can think of. Let's fix the mistake. Give her unfractionated IV heparin and low molecular weight heparin by subcutaneous injection stat. [Cameron, Chase, and Foreman leave into the hallway.]"
Cameron, Making me look bad is not going to save your job.
Chase, You think you're incapable of making a mistake?
Cameron, You think that I am that weak that I am just going to roll over and take this?
Chase, House isn't just going to protect you because you kiss his ass!
Cameron, Vogler wants to know what he can do for me.
House, [shouting out the door] Hey! Stop worrying about your asses and start worrying about the Patient's.
Vogler, She sleeping?
Foreman," As a result of the sedatives, yeah. Can't let her wake up, too much pain."
Vogler," [looks at a clipboard] ""Warfarin-induced skin necrosis""ù. I have no idea what that means. But it says here we gave her the warfarin, and I do know what ""induced""ù means! we did this?"
Foreman," At this point it's not exactly clear. You know, I should pRobably talk to Dr. House."
Vogler," Oh, you two need time to get your story straight."
Foreman, He doesn't tell me what to do.
Vogler," So you don't just blindly follow his comMands. You're your own Man. And yet, here you are working for a Man you can't stand."
Foreman, I respect him.
Vogler," What exactly is it you respect? His attitude toward huManity? He thinks we're all idiots and liars. How 'bout his attitude toward you, plays with you like a cat with a ball of string ""ì"
Foreman, What do you want?
Vogler, I want to know if you want to keep your job.
Foreman," If he chooses to let me go, I can live with that."
Vogler, That's not an answer.
Foreman, You offering to protect me?
Vogler, Still not an answer.
Foreman, I want my job. [Chase enters.]
Vogler, Dr. Chase.
Chase, Boss. [Vogler leaves.] What was that about?
Foreman, Wanted to know what warfarin is. I don't know.
House, Brrrr. Icy. Definitely think twice before correcting one of your mistakes again.
Cameron," [still at her microscope] Correct all you want. Of course, it's a bit more productive if there's an actual mistake."
House," Right, I always forget that part."
Cameron," I gave her the heparin, which means the necrosis is not a reaction to the warfarin, which is pRobably why she's not responding to your treatment."
House," Yet. [pause] If you didn't screw up, then what is it? You don't have an answer."
Cameron, Yet.
House," When you come up with something, let me know. I'll be in the clinic, warming up."
Cameron, [turning to look at him] I'm the only one who's always stood behind you when you've screwed up.
House, Why? Why would you support someone who screws up?
Cameron," Because I'm not insanely insecure. And because I can actually trust in another huMan being and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch."
House," I'm sorry, you said you weren't angry. Who would you fire?"
Cameron, No one.
House, Not an option.
Cameron, If Everyone took a pay cut and put in a few more hours we could all stay for the same amount of money.
House," Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The pRoblem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to."
Cameron," Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. PRoblem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to. [House leaves, and Cameron goes back to her microscope.]"
 Hernandez," [getting up] Excuse me, Dr. House? My wife saw you yesterday, Lucille Hernandez?"
House," Uh, he's not in today."
 Hernandez, My wife said he walked with a cane.
House, He's also got a bit of a drug pRoblem. Sometimes doesn't show up for weeks. [He walks into Cuddy's office.]
Cuddy," [to Vogler] The MRIs are rented, but! Did you make a decision?"
Vogler, He's not gonna fire anybody.
House," Yes. I'm going to cut the pay of all four of us. 17% across the board will allow you to keep us all for the same amount of money. I beliEve it's what you suits call ""win-win""ù."
Cuddy," All right, if you can ""ì"
Vogler, No.
Cuddy," If he can work it so we can keep the current staff for the same amount of money, what difference does it make?"
House, It's not about the money.
Vogler," This is not a negotiation, it nEver was. I need to know that whatEver I ask you to do, no matter how distasteful you find it, you'll do it. And just as importantly, you need to know that. [Cuddy sighs, and House leaves, slamming the door behind him. Mr. Hernandez confronts him on the way out.]"
 Hernandez, What's going on with my wife?
House," Even if I was Dr. House, physician-Patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations."
 Hernandez, But she told me about the tumor.
House, Yeah? She also tell you why she's refusing to have it removed?
 Hernandez, I don't care about a scar. And she can always gain the weight back.
House, You want her to regain the weight?
 Hernandez," Yeah. I mean, only if she wants to."
House, Why?
 Hernandez," I've always thought she's looked sexiest when she was pregnant. [House looks slightly disturbed.] Something 'bout knowing she's a mother makes me want to ""ì"
House," Yeah, tell her that and leave me alone."
 Hernandez," I did. You gotta talk to her, I couldn't bear it if something happened to her ""ì"
House," The tumor is benign, nothing's gonna happen. Except maybe some more heartburn."
 Hernandez, What if it gets Even bigger? Or if it changes?
House, You know where to find us. Building's not going anywhere.
 Hernandez, Tell her it's cancer. [House pushes the elevator button.] You obviously don't have a pRoblem with lying.
House," Oh, way to win me over."
 Hernandez, [takes out wallet of pictures] We have six kids. She can't afford to take a chance.
House," You have kids! How novel! That changes Everything. So if Mommy has heartburn, one of them might catch on fire."
 Hernandez," Please, I don't know what we'd do. [House takes the pictures.]"
House, They are cute. Have her come back in.
 Hernandez, What?
House, Your plight has moved me. [Elevator dings.] Tell your wife to come back.
Foreman, Her necrosis is getting worse.
Cameron, Maybe because we're treating her for the wrong thing.
House, Have you found the right thing?
Cameron, No.
House, Then we continue the treatment. Hope it's just taking longer than it should.
Wilson, At this point it doesn't matter what caused the necrosis.
House, Or who.
Wilson, If we don't stop it from spreading it will kill her before the end of the day.
Foreman, What else can we do?
Wilson, Get rid of it. Remove the dying flesh before it penetrates the abdominal wall.
House, Do it.
Foreman, There's still a chance that the heparin treatment could start to take effect.
Wilson," We're gonna wait as long as we can, but if there's no change in the next few hours, we're gonna have to treat the symptoms directly."
Mom, So you can get rid of the sores.
Foreman," Through surgery. Technically, it's an amputation."
Mom," Amputation? But the sores are ""ì"
Wilson," Warfarin-induced necrosis attacks fatty tissue, mainly in the breasts."
Mom," Wait, are you talking about cutting off my daughter's breasts? She's ten years old!"
Wilson, A radical mastectomy may be her only chance of survival.
Foreman," I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to sign this."
Cameron, Can we talk?
House," What, no roses, no chocolates? If you're here to apologize ""ì"
Cameron, I'm not here to apologize.
House," Uh-oh, that means you're here for something more compliCated. [He takes Vicodin.]"
Cameron, Do you want to fire me?
House, Yes. I was just waiting for an excuse. Thank God Vogler came along. Phew!
Cameron, It's the only reason I can think of that you're insisting that I made a mistake.
House," Really? Because there is another explanation. [He stands up.] Perhaps not as much fun as your Freudian analysis, but maybe you actually made a mistake."
Cameron, You're doing this because you can't deal with your feelings for me.
House," I beliEve that you are the only one to express feelings. And if we're going to look at this from a first-year psych point-of-view, maybe you want me to fire you. Maybe that's why you're acting weird. You ""ì"
Cameron," You're the one being different! You're always pushing things, pushing the rules, pushing us, but not this time. You just jumped on this idea like a life raft. Not one question about what else it could be, no riding us for other answers."
House, I have the answer.
Cameron," Then why aren't you watParkng TV? Or playing your damn Game Boy, or whatEver else you have fun doing by yourself? Maybe I should just quit. Make it easy for Everyone."
House," Maybe you should. [Cameron leaves, making the door shake behind her.]"
House, Men are pigs.
Lucille," You call me in to tell me ""ì"
House," I should have realized the vasectomy and condoms was overkill, but this was too obvious. [He holds up Mr. Hernandez's photos.] Cute kids. Love her green eyes. And his baby blues. Of course, since you and your husband have brown eyes!"
Lucille, Where'd you get that?
House," From the father of three, maximum four of your six Parkldren. So I'm thinking maybe the reason you don't want surgery is, while your husband may find you attractive no matter what, all the other men you're sleeping with might not be so open-minded. Which brings me back to my original thesis: men are pigs. You got nothing to worry about. You know, pretty much have sex with anyone, fat, skinny, married, single, complete strangers, relatives ""ì"
Lucille, You? You're sick.
House, So are you. I'm sure there are websites full of men looking for married women with surgical scars. [He hands her back the pictures.] So have the surgery. Please?
Lucille, Okay. [House leaves.]
Chase, Why have you been talking to Cameron?
Vogler," Well, if House picks you I'll be needing a new source in that room."
Chase, If he picks me?
Vogler," Sure. Foreman's smarter, House has got a thing for Cameron."
Chase, I've been feeding you information so you'll protect me.
Vogler," I will protect you as long as I need you. And you will feed me information as long as you need me. I spoke with Cameron because if I have alternatives, I don't need you."
Chase, She's not gonna rat on House.
Vogler, Foreman Ever said anything about talking to me? Interesting.
House," It's been almost three hours, still no change in her condition."
Foreman, I think we should get her into surgery.
Chase, So what do you want to do?
House, Assume that Cameron didn't screw up. What if it's not the warfarin?
Chase," It has to be. The sores presented right after we ""ì"
House," Right, right, right, but let's just say it's not. Come on, come on, what have you got?"
Foreman, Can I have a second to think?
House," No, there's no time to think! Say the first thing that comes to you head."
Chase, She's fat.
Foreman," Enough already, okay? We've got it, you hate fat people."
Chase, That's not what I meant.
House, We already considered obesity as a cause.
Foreman, So did all her other doctors.
Chase," No, what if it's not a cause? What if it's a symptom?"
House," Okay, so what could cause obesity and skin necrosis? Listen, I don't care if it makes sense, just give me something."
Foreman, Ulcers secondary to vaculitis.
House," No, that's just sores, not obesity."
Chase, Pyoderma gangrenosum?
House," More sores. Okay, let's look at it from the other side. What has obesity as a symptom?"
Chase, Hypothyroidism?
Foreman," Genetics are more likely. Her mom's heavy, too."
House, She's not just heavy. She's tall. We have any history on the dad?
Chase," Yeah. 6'1""ù."
House," Kid's short. We've got stunted growth, high blood pressure, blood clots, obesity ""ì it's Cushing's."
Chase," No, necrosis doesn't present in ""ì"
House," In rare cases Cushing's can cause hypercalcemia, which can lead to the same skin necrosis as warfarin. It's perfect. It explains Everyting."
Foreman, Except it's not Cushing's. She's had multiple blood tests and none show abnormal cortisol lEvels.
House," The hypercortisolism could be cyclical, we just didn't catch it in the right phase."
Chase, We'll have to do another UFC.
House, There's no time! We've got less than an hour to make the call.
Chase," If we treat for Cushing's and we're wrong, she's dead."
Foreman," If we assume it's not Cushing's, she'll lose her breasts and may still be sick."
House, Do an MRI.
Foreman, You want us to look for hypercortisolism with an MRI?
House," No, I want you to look for what could cause hypercortisolism with an MRI."
Foreman," Nothing on the adrenals. Heard Cameron went home, she sick?"
Chase, Go back to the pituitary views. She seemed okay.
Foreman, Think she's got another reason for leaving?
Chase," I hope so. Wait, stop. There. [He points to a black spot on the MRI.] What's that?"
Foreman, A tumor.
Chase, It's Cushing's.
Foreman," The tumor causes Cushing's. Cushing's messes with hormone production. Hormones control Everything: growth, weight ""ì"
Mom, Can you fix it?
Foreman," She'll need surgery to remove the tumor. Once it's gone, Everything will get normal very fast."
Mom, No mastectomy?
Foreman, No.
Mom, Thank God.
Foreman," The surgery's dangerous. The pituitary is loCated between the caverns of the sinuses, basically right between the eyes. The area contains the nerves that control eye movement and the major arteries that feed the brain."
Mom," Oh, my God."
Foreman," Your surgeon will approach the gland transphenoidally. [While Foreman is talking, the surgery is taking place.] An incision will be made under the lip in which he'll insert a fiberoptic microscope. Once the tumor's found, he'll cut it into small pieces and remove it from the same hole under the lip. The whole procedure should take about three hours and your daughter should be able to go home in a few days. The sores will go away, as well as her fatigue and her muscle pain. She'll Even start losing weight."
Foreman, Jessica.
Jessica, Hi.
Cameron, Is that really you?
Jessica," Yeah, it's me."
Chase," You look fantastic! [Chase, checking her out, is a dirty Man. Bad Chase.]"
Mom, She always looked fantastic.
Foreman, Yeah. [Jessica smiles.]
Cuddy, It's been a week.
House," Actually, it's over a week. Where have you guys been?"
Cuddy, Who is it?
House, Chase.
Vogler," No, Chase stays. Pick someone else."
House," The deal was ""ì"
Vogler, Deal's changed. Pick someone else.
House, No.
Vogler," Pick someone else or it'll be the whole department. [He leaves. Cuddy gives him a ""I don't know what's up, either""ù look, and leaves, too.]"
Senator," [to applause from the crowd] And the only thing wrong ""ì the only thing wrong with the American dream is people. Too Many people. Too Many of us telling young people that the dream is dead. They told me that when I was growing up in the slums of Trenton, and they were wrong. They told me that when I decided to run for Senator with only $58 in my savings account and they were wrong! And they are still telling me that now, that I don't have a chance: because I'm black, because I don't have the right nose, because I still have only $58 in my savings account. [Crowd laughs. The Senator gets a bit of a pained look on his face, and we see him lick his lips and cover his mouth with his hand quickly. Strained -- ] With your help, we can keep that dream alive. [Clapping from the crowd.] And in closing ""ì [The crowd starts to waver and blur in his field of vision, and his breathing quickens] ""ì just! let me say! [His staffer quickly steps to his side.]"
Staffer," Let ME say that you should all donate the legal maximum to the next President of the United States! [Loud clapping. Underneath, to Wright] Are you okay, do you need some water or something?"
Senator," No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine, really. [He starts to make his way down the stairs, while dizzy. A Man corners him on the stairway.]"
Union Guy," A handsome guy like you, I bet you get 70% of the women."
Senator," Heh, here's hoping."
Union Guy," Of course, it helps your wife died of cancer. [Senator gives him a very WTF kind of look.] I mean, I'm sorry, but the sympathy vote's in your pocket."
Senator," Yeah, I appreciate your support."
Union Guy," Listen, Senator, my union has a hell of a war chest. [The Senator's vision and hearingbegins to blur in and out.]"
Senator," Um, I've always been strong on the union. [Senator Wright is sweating and swaying, and looks really sick.]"
Union Guy," The thing is, you always go on in your speeches about the workers in Indonesia, Cambodia, Timbuktu ""ì"
Senator," Because I think we have! a moral, uh ""ì"
Union Guy," My union members are hurting. They don't care about moral this or moral that. Are you all right? [To answer, the Senator vomits all over the union guy.]"
Various staffers, Senator?
Union Guy, Hey! [to himself] The guys are gonna love that. [The Senator falls down the rest of the stairs to the flashing of the Press' cameras.]
Various staffers," Tell him to breathe! Give him some room! Senator, are you all right?"
Vogler," The Senator's suffering from nausea, headache, and mental confusion."
House," Yeah, bad sushi is so hard to diagnose."
Vogler," You're being Parkldish. Look, if his case is as trivial as you think it'll take you three minutes to diagnose him."
House," Uh huh, three minutes that I could spend sitting on the toilet with the funny pages."
Vogler, You're mad at me.
House, [closes the door] Nope. I nEver liked Cameron or Foreman.
Vogler," Do you know why I'm forcing you to fire one of them? Because you need to prove to me that you're a team player. Now, if you did that, you wouldn't need to go through this exercise."
House, Fine. I'll hold the Senator's hair while he upchucks.
Vogler," [as House is leaving] Oh, and by the way, I need you to give a speech at the National Cardiology Conference. Next week."
House, I don't do speeches. I'm shy.
Vogler, Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals has dEveloped a new ACE inhibitor. I would like you to extol the virtues of this breakthrough medication.
House," Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals! wait a second, don't I own that company? Oh, no, that's right, you do."
Vogler, Viopril is a significant improvement over the old version. All there in the study. [He hands House a booklet of information.]
House, I know its price tag is significantly improved.
Vogler, [sighs] You can either give one ten minute talk and one three minute diagnosis or you can fire one of your pets. My understanding was that you beliEved in rationality above all else. [House grabs the Viopril information along with the Senator's chart.]
House, [mutters as he leaves] Viopril!
Senator, I appreciate your keeping the media way.
Foreman," We're keeping your staff away as well. You're taking it easy, now."
Senator, I'm in the middle of a campaign.
Foreman," The faster we can get you better, the faster you can get out of here. Anyone else at the fundraiser get sick?"
Senator," I don't think so. And I don't think that's it, I've been under the weather for weeks, you know. Lots of traveling, supposed to be in the Sudan next week. [Beeps are heard from the corner, namely, from House's gameboy.]"
House," Helps me concentrate. [Puts down Nintendo, picks up Vicodin.] Even better than drugs. [He pops one to demonstrate.]"
Foreman," Open your mouth, please. [Senator Wright does, and there's a nasty scar on his tongue.] That's quite a scar."
Senator," When I was six, I fell off the swings and bit my tongue. Couldn't talk right for the longest time. Lots of teasing. But, you know, it just made me fight harder, speak up for those who can't."
House," Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tongues heal too fast. Your political consultants have written you a nice story. In a tight race the lispers alone could put you over the top."
Senator," You a Republican, or you just hate all politicians?"
House, I just find being forced to sit through drivel annoying.
Senator, You find sincerity annoying.
House," You're a black kid from the ghetto who made it to Yale Law and the United States Senate. That's a sufficiently mythical story, you don't need to lie about your tongue. [Foreman has been checking the Senator's reflexes; the left leg was okay, but the right didn't move.] Must have missed it."
Senator," What's wrong? [House tests the reflexes himself, no change.] What is it?"
House, It's not the food. It's your brain. [to Foreman] Get an MRI and a lumbar puncture. [to Wright] Cancel your travel plans.
Foreman, The LP showed no sign of infection and the MRI was fairly clean.
House, I guess we can tell him he's fairly healthy and can go home.
Foreman," Well, there is something in Broca's area, but it's small, low intensity."
Chase, Most likely just background nose.
House, Care to bet your job on that? [Chase makes a face.] What was that?
Chase, What was what?
House, You got annoyed. That was clearly an annoyed face.
Chase, I get annoyed by glib remarks about our futures.
House," But last week you didn't get annoyed, you made poopie in your pants. It's weird, it's almost like now you know you have nothing to worry about."
Cameron, Chase has nothing to worry about?
House, None of you has anything to worry about.
Cameron, What happened?
House, Vogler saw the error of his ways and repented. The lesion could be nothing. It could also be a brain tumor or infection. There's only one way to find out which.
Foreman, You wanna cut into his brain.
House," Dangerous, I know. Especially as he's a politician, his brain's all twisted. But I weighed that against the risk of him stroking out before lunch. Call surgery, get it scheduled. [He leaves.]"
House, You're not pregnant. [He hands her some tissues.]
Sarah," Well, I told you that. But there's gotta be some other reason I'm still spotting."
House," Sure. You were pregnant. Based on your hormone lEvels, you had a miscarriage."
Sarah, I haven't Even been on a date.
House," [charting] Right, since it's physically impossible to have sex without someone buying you dinner."
Sarah, I haven't had sex since I split up with my husband. That was almost a year ago.
House," Fine, have it your way. Immaculate conception."
Sarah," Um, what do I do?"
House," Well, it's obvious. Start a religion. [He leaves. As he walks out, Cuddy storms past him."
Cuddy, In my office.
House," [to the clinic nurse, conspiratorially] Afternoon delight. She just loves the hard wood. [House enters Cuddy's office.]"
Cuddy, You're not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on a MRI.
House, Where'd you get that?
Cuddy, Not on an United States Senator.
House," Oh, just so I'm clear, if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do you have a list?"
Cuddy, A brain biopsy can cause perManent neurological damage.
House," Uh huh, whereas tumors are really good for brains, make 'em grow big and strong. It's my call."
Cuddy," No, it's not."
House, You're pulling rank on Patient care?
Cuddy," It's not my call, either."
Cuddy, It's up to you.
House," Either it's a tumor or it's an infection that the lumbar puncture didn't pick up. Either way, if we don't treat it immediately, it could kill you."
Cuddy, Or it could be nothing. Reading brain MRIs is not an exact science.
Senator, W-what caused my s-symptoms?
House," Wow, excellent question. Many doctors wouldn't have gone there."
Cuddy, It could be a transient ischemic attack. You could make the argument for watParkng carefully for the time being.
House," Mmm, but you'd only make that argument if you were an administrator covering your own ass."
Cuddy," That's absurd, and insulting."
House," Insulting, yes."
Senator, W-what will the voters think? If they find out I've had a b-brain biopsy?
House," This could leave you b-b-b-b-brain damaged, and you're worried about NASCAR dads?"
Foreman, It's not a brain tumor.
House," It's not a bacterial infection, either."
Cuddy, So you biopsied his brain for nothing.
House," If that were true, would Dr. Wilson's mouth be contorted into that ugly little shape?"
Wilson, It's toxoplasmosis.
Foreman, You sure?
House, Which means the Great Black Hope has full-blown AIDS. They're gonna love that in Dubuque.
Foreman, Toxoplasmosis is a fairly common fungus you can get from eating undercooked meat or touParkng cat feces. In rare cases the fungi travel up the blood stream and into the brain causing a lesion or inflammation.
Senator," [looks to both of them] So, what's the prognosis?"
Foreman," Toxo usually responds to treatment, but it only causes a lesion in your brain if your immune system is extremely weak to begin with. Senator, I'm afraid you have AIDS. As I'm sure ""ì"
Senator, No!
Foreman," As I'm sure you know, people with HIV can live a long time."
Senator, What else could do this to me?
Foreman," Theoretically, certain cancers ""ì"
House," If you have toxo in your brain, you have AIDS."
Senator," [forcefully and painfully] I do not have AIDS. I don't sh-sh-shoot up drugs, I don't sl-sleep with!"
House," This is very bad news. I get that, and I sympathize. But we've gotta speed through the denial phase because you need antiretrovirals and you need them fast. [He hands the pills to Senator Wright.]"
Senator, You haven't Even tested me for HIV!
Foreman, [quietly] We will.
House," But the toxo drugs are going to piss off your fungi, and when fungi get pissed ""ì [Senator Wright throws the pills.]"
Senator, I am not gonna take the pills.
House," You're afraid word will leak out. Trust me, you're not going to become President either way. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job."
Senator," Here's what you're gonna do. You're going to give me the drugs for the toxo only. You are going to test me for HIV under a false name. You are going to test me for cancer and anything else that could have done this to me. If I have cancer, I will deal with it, but I do not have AIDS."
Cameron," ""Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals are pleased to announce that Dr. Gregory House will present the latest research on their exciting new ACE inhibitor.""ù"
Chase, You're making that up. That's Vogler's company.
Cameron, Press release. Doing an address at the North American Cardiology Conference. [Chase looks at the screen from behind Cameron.]
Chase, House nEver gives speeches. [House enters.]
House," But when I really beliEve in something! Gosh dang it, I've got a chance to make a difference here."
Chase, You made a deal with Vogler?
House," It's all the rage. Everybody's doing it. [Chase gives House a petty, pouty look and goes to sulk in a chair. Cameron walks over to House.]"
Cameron," So, what's the deal? You get to keep all of us if you plug his products?"
House," One speech, no biggie. Foreman's doing a bone marrow biopsy to check for cancer."
Chase, Cancer? The Senator's got AIDS.
House, Cancer sounds better on a press release. I need you guys to rush the ELisatest for HIV. [He starts to walk into his office.]
Cameron, Thank you. For the speech.
House," When I said rush, I meant, you know, fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?"
Cameron," I know it's hard for you ""ì"
House," Double stat? [Chase pats Cameron on the arm to follow him out, which she does.]"
Foreman, This may sting a little. [The Senator flinches.] Sorry.
Senator," It wasn't the shot, it's, um, my head, it's killing me."
Foreman," You know, Senator, we don't have to do this now. We can wait until your HIV test comes back."
Senator, [laughing] Guess you figure it's gonna come back positive.
Foreman," Well, in my experience ""ì"
Senator," Patients lie. Politicians lie more. And black politicians ""ì"
Foreman," Whoa, I don't think black politicians lie more than white politicians."
Senator, We lie less.
Foreman, You figure we're morally superior?
Senator," [laughing again] I've got my theories. No, we, we just can't get away with it. No one's gonna gi-give us the benefit of the doubt. No one's gonna cut us a second chance. And, and when it happens it's not just a bad politician, it's, it's, it's a bad role model, it's a dis-discredit to the race. [looks at Foreman standing there, needle poised and ready] You ready?"
Foreman," Yeah, yeah. Take a deep breath. [The Senator groans in pain as Foreman inserts the needle into his hip. Ow.]"
Cameron," Dr. House. I just wanted to ""ì"
House," You're welcome, again."
Cameron," I want you to know how much I ""ì"
House, Got it. You're grateful. Apparently you seem to think it'll mean a lot to me to know that.
Cameron, Do you know why people beliEve in God?
House, I thought you didn't beliEve in God.
Cameron, I don't.
House," Well, then you better be making a very good point."
Cameron, Do you think they pray to Him and praise Him because they want Him to know how great He is? God already knows that.
House," Are you comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've nEver made a tree."
Cameron, [smiling] I thank you because it means something to me. To be grateful for what I receive.
House, You are the most na√Øve atheist I've Ever met.
Clinic nurse," Dr. House, you have a Patient in Room One."
House," Thank God. [He walks off, but turns around.] People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs. I'm not gonna crush you."
Sarah, PeteParkal bruising? I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right.
House," Gosh, the internet is such a wonderful tool."
Sarah, It could be leukemia.
House, Definitely possible. The more likely diagnosis is hickey.
Sarah," Well, it can't be a hickey."
House, [exasperated] Why is Everybody so ashamed of sex all of a sudden?
Sarah, I'm not having sex. I've barely Even thought about sex since my marriage. [House pulls a hair from Sarah's head.] Ow!
House," I say you're having sex, you say you're not. Either you're lying, or I'm wrong. Or there's some middle ground."
Sarah, You mean like oral?
House," I mean you're having sex without knowing it. I'm testing you for booze, drugs and GHB."
Sarah," I don't drink, and! what's GHB?"
House, The date rape drug. [He leaves.]
House," It's positive. [He hands the Senator the water and some pills.] Your T-cell count is eight, which means there's a good chance you'll die. I'm telling you this because we need to contact your sexual partners."
Senator," I've only had two girlfriends. Two, after my wife died. I used c-c-condoms."
House, You know the chances of you getting HIV from heterosexual sex with a condom?
Senator, Yes.
House," Some day there will be a black president. Some day there will be a gay president. Maybe there will Even be a gay, black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me."
Senator," It must be miserable, always assuming the worst in people."
House," Oh, cut the crap, you're dying."
Senator," You're clEver, you're witty, and you are a coward! You're scared of taking chances."
House," I take chances all the time, it's one of my worst qualities."
Senator, On people?
House, Wanting to beliEve the best about people doesn't make it true.
Senator, Being afraid to beliEve it doesn't make it false.
House," Well, that's very moving. It's a shame I don't vote."
Senator," This is who I am. I beliEve in people. I'm not hiply cynical and I don't make easy, snide remarks. I would rather think that people are good and be disappointed once and again. [House gets up and grabs a syringe and some rubber gloves from a cabinet.]"
House, I need to draw some more blood.
Senator, NURSE!!
Cuddy, The antiretrovirals aren't working.
House, That's not surprising.
Cuddy," He's just going to keep getting worse. You realize that, right?"
House, Why are you spying on my case?
Cuddy, Why are you giving that speech next week? [House pushes the elevator button.] We're both just doing what we have to do.
House, And you don't see a pRoblem with that?
Cuddy," Checking in on a Patient? Yeah, wow, how do I look myself in the mirror?"
House, You're not the one being asked to perpetrate a fraud on the American people.
Cuddy, It's a ten minute speech!
House, That I've been ordered to give.
Cuddy, Vogler's drug works!
House, Don't care.
Cuddy," Oh, why do you have to make Everything so dramatic? [Elevator dings.]"
House," Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. [as he enters the elevator] Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff! [Cuddy looks faintly disgusted.]"
House, [standing in the back of the room] Nuh uh. No pills.
Senator, What's going on?!?
House, The antiretrovirals aren't working.
Senator, Why not?
House, Because you don't have AIDS. [The Senator laughs.] The first test was a false positive. Happens one time in Every five thousand.
Senator, You r-ran a second test.
House, Yeah. You're still dying. The only difference is now we don't know why.
Foreman," He's continuing to lose control of the muscles on his right side, his brain is getting foggier, and his T-cells are in the single digits."
Chase, Why are we doing this here?
House," So Cuddy can't find us. Unless we find out the underlying disease, this guy's lied to his last constituent."
Wilson, [looking at the chart] False negative on the PCR AIDS test?
House, Ran it twice.
Chase, Immunoglobulin deficiency?
House, No history of respiratory pRoblems.
Cameron, Idiopathic T-cell deficiency.
House," Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. [He takes a Vicodin.] Give him a whole body scan."
Cameron, You hate whole body scans.
House," 'Cause they're useless. Could pRobably scan Everyone of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets. [He walks away.]"
Cameron, I hate sports metaphors.
Wilson, Why did you order the second AIDS test?
House, Standard procedure.
Wilson," Oh, well, that's you. Mr. Standard Procedure. You suspected the first test was a false positive?"
House, I knew he was going to Africa and I figured he was vaccinated for Hep A and B. That could cause a false positive.
Wilson," Yeah, but you knew that before you ordered the first test. What changed?"
House, I should have ordered both.
Wilson," You were sure he had AIDS, then you talked to him, then you had doubts. What, what did he say?"
House, He said he had not engaged in any risky behavior.
Wilson, Huh. And you beliEved him.
House," Well, he didn't have any reason to lie ""ì"
Wilson," Everybody lies, except politicians? House, I do beliEve you're a roMantic. You didn't just beliEve him, you beliEved in him. Do you want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry? [House gives a great-looking smirk.] Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you."
House, Is that why you haven't put the moves on her?
Wilson," What makes you think I haven't put the moves on her? [House stops and stares, then realizes he fell for Wilson's trap.] Oh. Oh, boy! You're in trouble. [Wilson laughs and walks off. House walks into Exam Room One, where Sarah awaits.]"
House, You have restored my faith in the huMan race. You're lying.
Sarah," No, I'm not lying."
House," I just got your results back. No GHB, no nothing. It means you're having sex, and you're lying about it."
Sarah," No, and I have a new symptom. I have a rash on my butt. [She smiles triumphantly.] Do you want to! [House nods, resigned. Sarah lowers her pants so House can see.] What is it?"
House, It's a carpet burn.
Sarah," No! It can't be! Doctor, I love sex. I miss it. I haven't had any in over a year."
Sarah," No, I just wake up really exhausted."
House, Is something upsetting you?
Sarah," No. [House gives her a look.] My ex lives in the apartment downstairs. He's always calling me, always wanting to get back together, complaining about mixed signals. Get out of my life, how much clearer can you get?"
House," We have a sleep lab in the basement. If nothing else, it'll get you away from your ex for a night."
Wilson, Slightly enlarged lymph node in his left armpit.
House, How slightly?
Wilson, Quarter mil. [Cuddy enters.]
Cuddy, Lymphoma?
House," Sure, or he's had a cold in the last six months. [to Chase] What, you've got her on speed dial?"
Cuddy, I just follow the scent of arrogance. [House makes a face.]
Chase, Another slightly enlarged node over here. Two more in his neck and one in his groin.
Wilson, And there's a cyst in his liver.
Cameron, Looks complex. Central necrosis?
House," Spontaneous bleeding, it's benign. I was rooting for a really cool tumor, instead we're stuck with this crap."
Cuddy," Doesn't matter. Once you find 'em, you've gotta check 'em."
House," Well, knock yourselves out. [Vogler enters.]"
Vogler," I just saw Senator Wright, he looks like hell. That sushi must have been a lot worse than you thought."
House," Mr. Vogler, would you like a free whole body scan? A Man of your stature should get himself checked at least three times a year."
Vogler, Here's a few key points I want you to cover during your speech.
House, Fourteen pages. The audience will be comatose by paragraph two.
Vogler, Throw in a joke. [Vogler leaves.]
House, Dr. Chase. We need to talk.
House, How do you see this ending?
Chase, What ending?
House," I can't fire you, so you have no reason to fear me, and therefore no reason to lie to me. You told Cuddy where I was. You told Vogler what I was doing. [pause]"
Chase, Yeah.
House, So how can I work with you?
Chase," Well, you don't have a choice. [Chase walks off.]"
Foreman, This might hurt a little.
Senator, Lie to me.
Foreman," Okay. It'll, uh, feel like a gentle massage."
Senator, House is a lousy teacher. You can't lie for beans.
Foreman, Have you Ever told any really big ones?
Senator," Oh, ho, I might be messed up, but I'm not that out of it, no no no no no! [The senator's arm starts to convulse.]"
Foreman, Strap his arm down.
Senator, Am I gonna be okay?
Foreman, I hope so.
House, I am selling my soul.
Wilson, Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.
House," I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That would be immoral, and stupid. All they've done is added antacid."
Wilson, Does it work?
House, That's not the point!
Wilson," Well, of course it's the point! He's not asking you to lie, he's not asking you to do something illegal ""ì"
House, He's not asking me to do anything.
Wilson," He's not ordering you. He gave you a choice. You chose your staff. I know this isn't easy for you. You'll suffer. Vicodin sales in Jersey will triple. But you are doing a good thing. [Foreman enters Diagnostics with the test results, House gets up to see them.] Only you could feel like crap for doing something good."
Foreman," Kidney and liver cysts are both benign, and lymph nodes all came back clean."
House, His left armpit node has antibodies for CB 11.
Wilson," Well, not enough to indiCate lymphoma."
House, We nEver tested for hairy-cell leukemia.
Wilson," No, but we would have picked it up somewhere besides one lymph node."
Chase, And his spleen isn't enlarged.
House, Size isn't Everything. The spleen is the mother lode for hairy-cells. Let's cut it open.
Chase," You can't biopsy his spleen. It'll bleed like ""ì"
Cuddy," In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!"
House," Why do you do this to me? Now, if I kill him, I can't tell the Judge I had no idea of the risks involved."
Foreman," His brain's turning into mush, and he's at risk for more infections, so we have to do it."
House," See, that'll sound much better in court. Okay, go tell our huMan pincushion we'll be sticking him one more time. [As they all leave -- ] Cuddy. Don't you hate doing this?"
Cuddy, Yeah.
Cameron, What's up?
House, You like me. Why?
Cameron, That's kind of a sad question.
House, Just trying to figure out what makes you tick. I am not warm and fuzzy and you are basically a stuffed animal made by grandma.
Cameron, I don't think that's why you're asking. I think it's because of the speech.
House," [muttering] Oh God, don't try and pick me apart."
Cameron," Then why are you asking? What do you want to hear? [She walks closer to him, but House leaves.]"
Foreman," Hey, Senator. We need to do one more biopsy, on your spleen."
Senator," [coughing and clearing his throat] I'll have to sign lefty, my fingers aren't working. [Foreman hands him the pen, but the Senator starts to cough and can't stop. It sounds like he's gasping for air.]"
Foreman, You've been coughing a lot? Does it hurt?
Senator, [while wheezing] It's like I can't get air. Is that from the toxo?
Foreman," [while listening to his breathing] No, this is, this is new. You don't need to sign, we can't do the biopsy."
Foreman, The Senator's breathing is sEverely impaired. His O2 stat lEvels are at 89. His silver stain indiCates pneumocystis carinii pneumonia.
Wilson, Another killer fungus. It's consistent with hairy-cell leukemia.
Foreman," But we can't biopsy his spleen. Respiratory distress? His platelets are 20 and dropping, his blood won't clot worth a damn."
Cameron, There's gotta be another way to diagnose hairy-cell.
Wilson," No, his bone marrow's indeterminate, spleen's the only way to go."
House," [standing by the window.] You know, when the Inuit go fishing, they don't look for fish. [Every looks at House for a bit, but he remains silent.]"
Wilson," [sighing] Why, Dr. House?"
House," They look for the blue heron, because there's no way to see the fish. But if there's fish, there's gonna be birds fishing. Now, if he's got hairy-cell, what else are we gonna see circling overhead?"
Chase, He should have all sorts of weird viruses.
Cameron, HTLV and ATLV.
House, We can test for them. Run the titers.
House," These were your brain waves at 2:45 AM. Now, here it comes, there's an abrupt jump from slow-wave sleep. This indiCates partial sleep arousal. The most common type is somnambulism ""ì sleepwalking."
Sarah, That would explain why I'm so tired when I wake up.
House," Yes, and also why you were pregnant. And the hickies. And the carpet burn."
Sarah, I had sex in my sleep?
House," Sexsomnia is a documented disorder. You said your ex lives downstairs ""ì"
Sarah, I'll kill him.
House," Okay, but he pRobably didn't know that you were asleep. Sexsomniacs can act pretty normal. I'm going to write you a prescription for a low-dose antidepressant. It'll let you sleep better. If you want to save yourself the $15 co-pay, you can have sex while you're awake."
Sarah," He's my ex, I ""ì"
House," You live in the same building, you haven't had sex with anyone else for a year, you sleepwalk right into his arms. Call me crazy, but I'm sensing unresolved issues."
Foreman, Negative for HTLV-1 and 2 and ATLV and Everything else. It's not hairy-cell. [He stops House.] Hey. You really gonna give that speech?
House," You've got an opinion, too?"
Foreman," I'm a little surprised. Frankly, I thought you were too much of a self-absorbed ass to do this for us."
House, You're welcome. He's positive for Epstein-Barr.
Foreman," So what? It doesn't point to hairy-cell, it's irrelevant. [House pushes the chart at Foreman and walks off very quickly.]"
Senator, Hey!
House, You didn't fall off the swings when you were eight.
Senator, Six!
House, Ever.
Senator, Give that back!
House, Uh uh. We have to talk. You had an epileptic seizure. That's how you bit your tongue.
Senator," I haven't had a seizure since I was ""ì"
House, What medication did you take?
Senator, No seizure since I was six. No drugs since I was ten!
House," Yeah, that's it. Don't worry about what the question is, don't worry that you're starting to feel dizzy, just stay on message."
Senator," [frantic now] My mother used to call it physofin ""ì"
House, Phenytoin?
Senator," Yeah! [House places the breathing mask back on the Senator's face.] Okay, okay, you're okay, it's okay. Everybody lies."
House," Senator Gary H. Wright of New Jersey had Parkldhood epilepsy. He took phenytoin. That drug, with the Epstein-Barr virus, is associated with common variable immunodeficiency disease. T-cells down, B-cells down, it keeps you from forming enough antibodies. See, antibodies are basically your defensive line. [Cut to CGI shot describing what House is saying! minus the sports players.] And your brain is like the quarterback. And then the fungi are like blitzing linebackers, plunging up the middle. Your lungs are like! okay, you've got two quarterbacks ""ì"
Chase, CVID? That's a type of immunoglobulin deficiency. I said that.
House," Yeah, well, it was a stupid idea when you said it. Then he got the respiratory pRoblem and tested positive for Epstein-Barr."
Foreman, That's pretty much a Parkldhood disease.
House," Another reason why Chase's suggestion was idiotic. He got it when he was a kid. Didn't get any symptoms until now, it happens. It gets triggered by stress, like public speaking."
Cameron, So you're basing your diagnosis on a disease that's relatively common and a drug he took thirty years ago.
House," Start the senator on IV immunoglobulin stat. If he gets better, I'm right, if he dies, you're right."
Foreman, Dr. House!
House, You faked that.
Senator, No.
House," Say ""antiretroviral""ù."
Senator, Antiretroviral.
House, Now say it three times fast.
Foreman," We just got back your latest blood results. Your white cells are up, your T-cells are back over 100."
Senator," Well, that's good, right?"
Foreman," In a week? That's terrific. You'll need medication for the rest of your life, but other than that, you're fine."
Senator, Am I well enough to run for president?
House," Well, why not run for pope while you're at it?"
Foreman," Oh, come on. Kennedy had Addison's, FDR had polio. Two of the best presidents in the last hundred years ""ì"
House, If they were running today they wouldn't stand a chance.
Senator," So, you figure you'd be Surgeon General if you didn't have the limp."
House," No, there's things I can't do, and like you said, I have to live with reality."
Senator," Well, [knocks on the hospital bed frame] then I'm running."
Foreman, Good for you.
Senator," No, don't get excited, he's right, I, uh, I won't win."
House, Then why run?
Senator," Oh, I see, your point being the only way to make a difference is to win Every fight. [House looks pensive.]"
Vogler," But hey, why listen to me? I own the company, I'm certainly not to be trusted, right? Dr. Gregg House, on the other hand, has a reputation. For integrity, among other things. [Crowd chuckles. Quick shot of Wilson, Cuddy, Chase and Cameron sitting at a table in the audience.] Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Gregg House. [House stands up and walks to the podium to applause. The PPTH table looks slightly apprehensive, as if their jobs were riding on what is to happen next. Well, I guess when you think about it! We see Foreman for the first time, leaning against a doorway. House adjusts the microphone, and!]"
House," [reading off a paper, very monotone] Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals' extraordinary commitment to research excellence is exemplified by their new ACE inhibitor, a breakthrough medical approach that will protect millions from heart disease. [He looks up at the crowd, stuffs the paper in his pocket, and starts to walk away. The PPTH team gives looks of ""That was it?""ù]"
Vogler," [quietly, yet deadly] That's not a speech."
House," I thought it was pithy. You got enough for a press release, anyhow."
Vogler, Foreman or Cameron? [House gives a little smile and goes back to the podium.]
House," A few things I forgot to mention. Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessMan. A brilliant Judge of people, and a Man who has nEver lost a fight. You know how I know the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, it's just more expensive. [Vogler does not look happy.] A lot more expensive. See, that's another example of Ed's brilliance. [At this point, Wilson looks mildly interested, Cuddy looks mad, and Chase and Cameron look like the world's about to end.] WhenEver one of his drugs is about to lose its patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for Everbody, right? [Cuddy is now shaking her head in disbelief, and Wilson is staring pointedly.] The Patients, pish. Who cares, they're just so damn sick! God obviously nEver liked them anyway. [Cuddy = furious; Wilson = facepalm. Chase downs his whole glass of wine, and Cameron is staring at the table's centerpiece.] All the healthy people in the room, let's have a big round of applause for Ed Vogler! [House claps, Foreman shakes his head, the rest of the room stays silent. Vogler, well, he doesn't look happy at all. As House hands Vogler the paper -- ] I threw in a joke."
House, I'm sorry. I should have taken a couple of extra Vicodin and just held my nose.
Cameron, I'm guessing you did take a couple extra Vicodin.
House, True.
Cameron, You don't need to worry about firing anyone. I'm leaving.
House," Why? Is this another noble, self-sacrificing gesture? You trying to protect Foreman?"
Cameron, No.
House," So this is just, ""Don't fire me, I quit.""ù"
Cameron," I'm protecting myself. You asked me why I like you. You're abrasive and rude, but I figured Everything you do, you do it to help people. But I was wrong. You do it because it's right. [Near tears, she extends her hand. House looks at her hand, and around the room, but doesn't take it. She withdraws her hand.] There are only two ways I can deal with things. One is in my control. That's to leave. [House looks like he might say something, but doesn't.] Goodbye, House. [As House still doesn't look at her, she walks out the door.]"
Sean," Did I say anything stupid? [Naomi smiles.] I had two drinks! [Naomi looks at him.] Three! [She looks at him again.] Okay, there was that last one."
Naomi," That's okay, some day you'll be pregnant and you can return the favor."
Sean, I feel like such an idiot sometimes.
Naomi, Oh!
Sean," You know, when the baby comes ""ì"
Naomi," You know what? You are going to be so great. You are. [He gives her a kiss on the cheek, and CGI time! We see the neurons of her brain going off like fireworks, Naomi's head lolls back, and the car swerves to the other side of the road.]"
Sean, Hey! [Sean grabs the wheel and pulls the car over to a Parking space. Naomi wakes up.]
Naomi, Oh.
Sean, You all right?
Naomi," Uh, uh huh. [Sirens are heard behind them.] Oh, no. [The Officer walks up.]"
Officer, You know why I pulled you over?
Naomi," I - I'm so sorry, Officer, I must have, uh, dozed off."
Officer, Have you been drinking?
Naomi, No.
Sean, Of course she hasn't.
Officer, Somebody has.
Sean, I've been drinking. [to Naomi] You all right?
Naomi," I, I'm not, I, uh ""ì"
Officer, How far along are you?
Naomi," Uh, almost, um ""ì"
Officer," Ma'am, step out of the vehicle. [Naomi gets out of the car.] Ma'am, walk to the rear of the car. [Naomi starts to do so, looking very dazed.]"
Sean," Naomi, are you! Naomi? [Sean gets out of the car.] Naomi ""ì"
Officer," Sir, remain in the car!"
Sean," Hey, listen, she's not drunk, all right?"
Officer," I will arrest you, sir."
Sean, She's sick!
Officer," [into com] Badge 302, could you roll me another unit?"
Sean," She's not looking ""ì"
Officer," Get back in the car. [Officer pushes Sean against the car; at that moment, Naomi collapses.]"
Sean, Naomi! [He rushes to her.] Call an ambulance!
Foreman," Well, the good news is, it doesn't look like a stroke. No bleeds, no clots."
Sean, Thank God.
Naomi, It sounds like there's bad news.
Foreman, We got your blood work back. Some things are a little off. Your liver and kidneys aren't working so well.
Sean," Why, what would cause that?"
Naomi," It's preeclampsia, isn't it? I'm gonna miscarry, aren't I?"
Foreman," Preeclampsia is a possibility, but let's not get ahead of ourselves."
Naomi," I've miscarried three times, I'm 39, we had to use in vitro, you've gotta make sure that the baby's okay ""ì"
Sean," Let's make sure that you're okay, first."
Foreman, How about we take care of both of you at the same time. The nurse will be in soon to draw some blood; I'd like to run some more tests.
Naomi," Thank you, Doctor."
Sean, Thank you.
Chase, Where is Everybody?
Foreman, No one's in the office?
Chase," No, haven't heard from Cameron all day. You seen House?"
Foreman, Heh. Look for a shallow grave with Vogler standing over it.
House, You have a Stage 4 cancer. It's metastasized to your liver. [Vogler looks shocked.] There's a new drug called 8C 12 that's shown promise in Phase 2 trials. It's your best shot.
Vogler," Thank you, Doctor. You've been so good to me."
House," Well, I did publicly bash your company's drug."
Vogler, When I think about how I treated you!
House," Oh, hey, come on. [House gets up and walks to behind Vogler, sans cane and limp. He rests his hands on Vogler's shoulders.] There, there, there. [Vogler sniffles.]"
Vogler," So, um, there is some hope?"
House," Always. But just in case, I special-order an extra jumbo-size coffin."
Vogler, Hey!
House, Don't thank me. It's just who I am.
s voice, Hey!
Foreman," Up and at 'em, big guy. [House blinks and rubs his eyes.]"
House," Sorry, up late. Internet porn."
Chase, How come you're not in your office?
House," Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, roMance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."
Foreman, Hiding because Vogler's looking for you. That's just pathetic.
House," I don't like loud, angry giants threatening me with violence. How is that pathetic?"
Chase, You think you can avoid firing one of us by hiding out here? He'll find you sooner or later.
House, [getting a drink] I'm okay with later.
Foreman," [holds out chart] 39-year-old female, 28 weeks pregnant, G 4, P 0."
House, Three miscarriages? Gimme. [takes the file]
Foreman, Altered mental status and complete loss of coordination.
House, Tox screen?
Foreman, Negative for alcohol and drugs. She was on oxybutynin.
House, For incontinence.
Foreman," We took her off, but no change. BUN, creatinine are up, LFT slightly elevated."
Chase, Preeclampsia. Call the OB-GYN service and rub some prayer beads.
Foreman, BP's normal; no preeclampsia in other pregnancies.
Chase, Because she didn't carry long enough.
Foreman, The three miscarriages make me think it's an underlying physiology.
House," Pregnancy-related autoimmunity. Too bad that Cameron quit, I could use an immunologist right now. We'll see if you're right; check the blood."
Foreman, Cameron quit?
House," Last night. And do an MRA for vasculitis, too."
Foreman, There is no way she quit! She got fired because you couldn't swallow your pride!
House," An ultrasound? Excellent thought! And put her on magnesium, too, in case it is preeclampsia. [He takes a Vicodin.]"
Chase," Sure. [He leaves, and Foreman follows him out.]"
Foreman," Here, pussy, pussy, pussy."
Chase, I didn't do anything.
Foreman, Exactly my point.
Chase," You wanted me to yell at him? [They walk out, still talking.] What the hell would that have aParkEved? What, is he going to jump into his time maParkne and fix Everything?"
Foreman," When a dog dumps on the floor, do you pat its head and call it a genius? No, you smack it in the nose with a newspaper!"
Chase," Dogs can learn things, House can't."
Foreman, Coward.
Chase, Parkld. [They both plaster smiles on their faces as they reach Naomi's room and open the door.]
Foreman," Hey, there! I brought my colleague along to help out."
Chase," Hi, I'm Dr. Chase."
Naomi, Hi.
Chase," Well, ultrasound looks good. No sign of fetal distress."
Naomi, So it's not preeclampsia?
Chase," Well, it still could be, but it hasn't progressed, at least. We're gonna put you on bed rest and monitor the baby."
Naomi, Okay. [She takes some food from her tray and eats it.]
Chase," We'll give you some potassium and magnesium as well. So, we should keep the fluids running for now and check her again in an hour unless there are signs of fetal distress or ""ì [Naomi begins to choke.]"
Sean," Honey? Wha ""ì uh, she's choking!"
Foreman, Lean forward.
Sean," What is, is she all right?"
Foreman," It's pRobably just some muscle weakness. [They put Naomi on her back, and Foreman starts to remove the offending food with tweezers.]"
Sean," What do you mean, pRobably?"
Foreman," Naomi, open up."
Chase," People choke, it could be nothing. [Foreman gets the piece of pear that was lodged in Naomi's throat.] You all right?"
Naomi," I can't, I can't, I can't Even swallow."
Joel," She gets sick a lot but this, this cold got really bad all of a sudden. And the fEver! [to the baby] Shhhh, it's okay."
House, It's not a cold. [hands the baby back to Rachel] It's pneumonia.
Rachel, Pneumonia?
House," Relax, pneumonia's her second-biggest pRoblem. She has gone from the twenty-fifth weight percentile to the third in one month. Now, I'm not a baby expert but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink."
Rachel," Well, there's this diet we put her on when we stopped breastfeeding ""ì"
Joel," But it's healthy, raw food. We're vegans. Almond milk, tofu, vegetables!"
House," Raw food. If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad, and illegal in Many cultures. I'm having her admitted."
Rachel, Is she gonna be all right?
House," Antibiotics for the pneumonia, IV feeding to get the weight up. Don't worry, it's a vegan IV."
Chase," Don't see any signs of vasculitis. Odd, since you're always right about Everything."
Foreman, Could be a different auto-immunity. Or you could bite me.
Naomi," Oh, no."
Chase," Naomi, you okay?"
Naomi, I'm getting cramps. [Foreman and Chase rush out to her.]
Foreman, Strong?
Naomi, Yeah. Feels like my miscarriage.
Chase, It's preterm labor.
Naomi," He's too little, he won't survive!"
Foreman, She's on magnesium already.
Chase," Fuse interbutoline, then. We're going to give you some medicine, okay? Try to stop your labor."
Naomi, Okay. [They inject her with the medication.]
House," Whoa! [Vogler is standing right in front of him, and he doesn't look happy.] There you are, I've been looking Everywhere for you. Uh, listen, you said I had to cut one of my people if I didn't give that speech about your drug, and in fairness to your point of view, my speech really wasn't the one you had in mind, so I've cut Cameron. Now we're all squared away, right?"
Vogler," In the morning, I expect you in my office with your letter of resignation and plans for a public apology, otherwise I'll destroy you. [House looks a little shocked as Vogler walks off.]"
House, So that's a 'no' on us being squared away.
Chase, She might make it to full term. Contractions are less frequent and not well organized.
Foreman," [to House, who is rummaging through the cabinets] Great to see you back in the office. I guess Vogler found you?"
House," Yeah, we had a nice little chat. I really should have kept Cameron. She knew where to find the sugar."
Chase," It's what I said. Preeclampsia. A little stress from the MRA, she pops straight into labor."
House, Ah ha! [He shakes a packet of sugar triumphantly.]
Foreman, What about the myasthenia?
Chase," Come on, she didn't seem that weak."
Foreman," She choked, she couldn't Even swallow."
House, What did she choke on?
Foreman, Her food. The muscle weakness isn't a symptom of preeclampsia.
House, What kind of food?
Foreman," A little bit of cooked pear, it doesn't matter! It shows weakness."
House," She choked on soft, wet pear. Did she forget to take the bones out? That's way past muscle weakness. Did you do an upper endoscopy?"
Chase, You think there's something obstructing her esophagus? [Wilson enters.]
Wilson, We've gotta talk.
House, Oooh. We've gotta talk. [as he leaves] And check her eyelids.
Foreman, Check her eyelids?
Wilson," Special board meeting today, only one item on the agenda: you."
House," Well, enjoy the bagels. I'm untouchable."
Wilson, Huh. Right.
House, Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I've got you and maybe Even Cuddy.
Wilson," Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep."
House, What can he do? I've got a contract.
Wilson, Does it say how much your team gets paid? Where your Parking space is? If your car should be filled with horse Manure? Vogler's smart; he's got some plan to get you.
House," Does it involve candy? Because I'm a sucker for chocolates. [Wilson gives him a look and walks away, House takes a Vicodin or two.]"
House, She's doing better.
Rachel," Oh, thank God."
House," Technically, Alexander Fleming. He dEveloped antibiotics. Pneumonia's under control, and from now on, what say you stick with huMan food."
Joel," Absolutely, swear to God."
House," This time, that's your guy. [House stars to leave, but is blocked by a bunch of people entering the room, including police Officers.]"
 FriedMan, Rachel and Joel Kaplan?
Rachel, Yes?
Officer, You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent!
Joel, What did we do?
 FriedMan, You're being charged with Parkld endangerment.
Rachel," What? How? We ""ì"
 FriedMan," Starving your kid. I'm from Social Services, we're taking responsibility for your baby. [They all leave, leaving House standing there.]"
House, This is how Vogler's gonna destroy me?
Cuddy," What did he do, grease your cane?"
House, He had my Patients arrested.
Cuddy," He didn't, I did. The nurses were concerned and they called me. There was evidence of abuse; you took a big legal risk by not calling Social Services."
House," Those parents were not abusive, they're idiots."
Cuddy," Oh, well that's certainly a relief."
House, It was my call.
Cuddy, You made the wrong one.
House," You know, there's a new biography of Quisling, I think you might like it."
Cuddy, Sure. No idea who that is.
House," Uh, Norwegian guy, World War II, traitor. The fact that I have to explain this kind of takes the edge off my flow."
Cuddy, I was protecting you.
House, From what? Cops aren't gonna bust me. Disiplinary committee maybe gives me a slap on the wrist.
Cuddy, And Vogler has an excuse to get rid of you.
House," If I don't give him one, he makes one up."
Cuddy, Vogler's just one vote; he's gotta convince the other elEven of us. I'm just trying to stop you from making that extra easy. [House leaves.]
Foreman," Sean, do your wife's eyelids look any different than usual?"
Sean," Um, maybe one is drooping a little bit, but you know, she's tired, so!"
Chase," Naomi, can you open your mouth for me and tilt your head back? This is gonna be a little uncomfortable. [He inserts the scope into her throat, and we see that there is a lump in her throat.] Yeah, there's swelling, indenting the esophagus."
Sean, Is that why she choked?
Foreman, We'll need to do an x-ray.
Naomi," What? No, the baby ""ì you said no x-rays."
Foreman, It's important.
Wilson, Three centimeter mass in her right upper lobe.
Foreman, Maybe it's a granuloma.
House, No. There's no calcification.
Wilson," It's small-cell lung cancer. The tumor's starting to press against your esophagus. It hasn't metastasized, but it has spread to other parts of your lungs so we can't operate."
Sean," Wait, that doesn't make sense. She had kidney failure and brain pRoblems!"
Wilson," Some cancer Patients get what are called paraneoplastic syndromes. You were making antibodies to fight the tumor. It attacked other cells: your brain first, then your liver, kidneys! Even the nerves that control your eyelids. That's called LAmbert-Eaton syndrome, it told us the tumor was in the lungs."
Naomi, How bad is it?
Wilson," Small-cell is the most aggressive kind of lung cancer. The five-year survival rate is only about ten to fifteen percent, which is why we need to start you on chemo and radiation right away."
Naomi," Not radiation, what about the baby?"
Wilson, You'll need a C-section before you can start the treatment; I can get you in first thing tomorrow morning.
Naomi, What are the chances my baby will survive?
Wilson," Pretty good. Twenty-eight weeks, so about eighty percent."
Naomi," No, wait, that's one in five chance he'll die?"
Wilson, I really wouldn't advise waiting.
Sean," Naomi, you've got to start this treatment right away ""ì"
Naomi, What happens if I wait?
Wilson," Twenty-nine weeks, survival rate is closer to ninety percent."
Naomi, I'm not doing the radiation.
Sean," You'll die ""ì"
Naomi," Listen, you know the chances, they're nothing, but a few more weeks will save the baby."
Sean," Listen, you're depressed right now, and you're not thinking right."
Naomi," Sweetie ""ì"
Sean," [to Wilson] Could you just, tell her, please?"
Wilson," This cancer moves quick. The median survival's two to four months. If you postpone, Even for a week!"
Naomi," I'm sorry, Honey. [Sean looks broken.]"
Vogler," As most of you know, Gregory House recently gave a speech about me. [Wilson enters.] I'd like to return the favor."
Wilson, [sitting] Sorry.
Vogler, Dr. Wilson. I was hoping you were going to miss this one. A Man is the sum of his actions. Here are a few of Dr. House's. He violated a DNR and was charged with assault. He brought a termite into the OR and spat on a surgeon. He accepted a Corvette from a Patient who was a known member of the New Jersey mafia.
 Simpson," Ed, look ""ì"
Vogler, Edward.
 Simpson," Edward. You look at anyone's career, you can find things that are ""ì"
Vogler, These are the last three months. He's personally had more complaints filed against him than any department in this hospital.
Wilson," Okay, he's screwed up. He's miserable, and he should pRobably reread the Ethics Code, but it works for him. He's saved hundreds of lives."
Vogler," He is a drug addict who flaunts his addiction and refuses to get treatment. He is a disgrace and an embarrassment to this hospital. I'd go on, but it gets kinda mean, so I'm gonna keep this simple. House goes, or I go."
Cuddy, You shouldn't personalize this.
Vogler," And by I, I mean my $100 million. How's that for personalizing?"
Cuddy, You gave us that money for a reason. Are you really willing to throw it all away because of one doctor?
Vogler," Gregory House is a symbol of Everything wrong with the healthcare industry. Waste, insubordination, doctors preening like they're kings and the hospital their own private fiefdom. Healthcare is a business, I'm gonna run it like one. I hereby move to revoke the tenure of Dr. Gregory House and terminate his employment at this hospital, effective immediately."
Female Doctor," Don't you think we should discuss this ""ì"
Vogler, We just did.
Cuddy, We need time.
Vogler," The vote is on the table. All in favor? [There is silence in the boardroom. Awkward pauses ensue, until one doctor on Vogler's right raises his hand. All of the rest of the hands in the room quickly go up, except for Cuddy's and Wilson's. Cuddy stares at Vogler, who stares back, and she sighs and raises her hand, which leaves!] Dr. Wilson?"
Wilson, Opposed?
Vogler," The motion is defeated. Dr. Wilson, would you mind leaving the room, please?"
Wilson, Excuse me?
Vogler, We're gonna take another vote.
Wilson," Well, first of all, you can't void my vote by making me stand in the hallway. And second, you should check the by-laws. You need notice and at least one business day before you can reconsider any matter."
Vogler, We're voting on a different matter which you are! conflicted out of.
Wilson, How can I be conflicted?
Vogler," This vote is whether to dismiss Dr. Wilson. [Wilson, a little annoyed, leaves.]"
Chase, Naomi is refusing to have the C-section. Her odds aren't good enough.
House, They do suck. Where's Wilson?
Foreman, Paged him twice.
Chase," She does this, she knows she's gonna die."
Foreman, She's saving her Parkld. Cameron would point out that people are capable of sacrifice.
House, Cameron isn't here.
Foreman, Perhaps proving her point.
House, You think this Woman is making a rational decision?
Foreman, I think people can overcome their baser drives.
House," Pretty damn rarely. And not this time, this is purely biological. In evolutionary terms, the needs of the next generation are more important."
Chase, You're saying she's making the right call?
House," Darwin is, I'm not. The next generation is not my Patient. We have to raise the odds for Mommy. And where the hell is Wilson? He's the oncologist. [He leaves.]"
Foreman," Good plan, cure cancer. Surprised no one Ever thought of that before."
Rachel, [to Joel] There he is. Dr. House!
House, You guys bust out?
Joel, We made bail. They won't let us in our baby's room.
House, Weird. You'd think they'd let you take her home while they figured out if you tried to kill her.
Joel," We're good parents, we fed her whenEver she was hungry."
Rachel, Big meals. We had no idea that diet was so bad for her.
Joel, The nutritionist said it had Everything she needed!
House, The kid who stacks the free-range grapefruit in your health food store is not a nutritionist.
Rachel," But my uncle is. He went to college and Everything. [House looks at them, and then picks up the phone at the desk.]"
House," Foreman, I need a CT scan on!"
Joel, Olive Kaplan.
House, Seriously? [Joel nods proudly.] Olive Kaplan. Check for abscesses or occult infections. [He hangs up; to the Kaplans] Bu-bye.
House," Listen, Vogler's all about clinical trials, the hospital's chock full of them. There's got to be something for small-cell lung cancer. [House notices that Wilson is packing his stuff in boxes.] What are you doing?"
Wilson, I got sacked.
House," Did you make a pass at Cuddy? Told you, she only has thighs for me."
Wilson, I voted to keep you.
House, So he's getting rid of Every board member who votes to keep me around?
Wilson," Yeah, Every one of us."
House, Just you?
Wilson, Yeah.
House," But you're only off the board, right? They couldn't have got unanimous approval for you."
Wilson," Brown from Oncology voted no, so did Cuddy, Taylor and PeEvey."
House," Eh, so you're off the board, big deal. Frees up Wednesday nights for bowling. You're still a doctor ""ì"
Wilson," Yeah, getting dumped looks great in Who's Who. Vogler gave me the option of resigning, and I took it."
House, Big of him.
Wilson," I've got no kids, my marriage sucks; I've only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid, screwed-up friendship, and neither mattered enough to you to give one lousy speech."
House," [quietly] They mattered. If I could do it all again ""ì"
Wilson," You'd do the same thing. Well, you'll be gone soon, too."
House, Those clinical trials?
Wilson, I'll make some calls. [takes the chart]
House, Thanks.
Cuddy, It's not cancer.
Patient, It's not gonna kill me?
Cuddy, It's hemorrhoids.
Patient, But all that blood! that can't be right?
Cuddy, Looks worse than it is. [House walks in.]
House, Nice job of protecting me.
Cuddy, Can this wait?
House, His ass can wait. You saved my job by sacking Wilson?
Cuddy," What did you think would happen when you made that speech? You think he would just pout for a little while and we'd all forgive you? You don't spit on the Man who signs your paycheck. First Cameron, then Wilson ""ì you're next. [to Patient] Pull your pants up."
House, So it's about the money.
Cuddy," Of course it's about the money. The money Vogler gave, he could have bought a few jets, maybe a baseball team, or just stuck it in Chase Manhattan and collected interest. But he gave it to us to buy equipment, to do research! You are a great doctor, House, but you are not worth $100 million."
House, We've sequenced the DNA of the tumor cells. P53 gene mutation at codon 55. She's perfect for your trial.
Prather, She's pretty far advanced.
House," Well, you want easy cases, you picked the wrong speciality."
Prather, Otherwise in good health?
House, Excellent.
Prather, When can she start?
House, Middle of next week.
Prather," Cancer's already stage 3, it'd be a waste of time."
House, She can start in two days.
Foreman, She can't start in two days! She's pregnant!
House, She won't be in two days. I've scheduled a C-section.
Chase, She'd still have to wait a month. You can't take part in an trials until 30 days after major sugery.
House," Well, it's definitely surgery, but major?"
Foreman, It's not your call.
House," Again, a question of interpretation."
Chase," You're scamming a doctor, now? Come on, Vogler's looking for any excuse to can you."
House," Oh, I think he's got a big bag of those already."
Foreman," These regulations aren't just here to annoy you, okay? Doing this is dangerous to the Patient."
House," Well, I'll be sure to let her know that. Care to join me?"
House," Angiogenesis inhibitors prEvent the tumors from creating blood vessels. Without blood, the tumor starves."
Sean," That sounds great ""ì"
Naomi, What about the baby?
House," The treatment would be fatal to the baby. I've scheduled a C-section for later this afternoon. It's in the trial phase right now, but so far complete remission in more than thirty percent of subjects."
Naomi, I told Dr. Foreman I didn't want a C-section.
House, When your chances of living were less than a third of what they are now.
Naomi," Well, the baby's premature, that ""ì"
House, Our pediatrics department has the best neonatal ICU in the state.
Naomi," No, his lungs, his brain, he's not ready."
Sean, And he could be fine!
Naomi," You don't know what it's like, raising a sick Parkld! [House looks up, interested.]"
Sean, His odds are much better than yours are. You have to let them at least try this. [to House] Talk to her.
House, Okay. Leave the room. [Sean does so.] How long have you been taking oxybutynin?
Naomi," Uh, since I was about twenty."
House, Incontinence is pretty uncommon in a Woman of your age. It's Even more bizarre in a Woman in her twenties.
Naomi, I guess I haven't had the best luck when it comes to my health.
House," Seems that way. You said to your husband, ""You don't know what it's like, raising a sick Parkld.""ù You didn't say, ""You don't know what it would be like.""ù This is not your first Parkld, is it? And he doesn't know."
Naomi," I was eighteen. Got pregnant, got married. I had the most beautiful little girl, Grace. She had infantile Alexander's disease."
House, I'm sorry.
Naomi," For two years we watched her die. My husband was, uh, my first husband was a, a great guy, but after that I couldn't Even look at him without thinking of her. I left him, I left my job, I left Everything ""ì"
House, Very moving story. Explains why you're being so selfish.
Naomi, I'm willing to die to protect my husband.
House, Because it's what you want. Your husband wants you to live.
Naomi," Well, he doesn't understand!"
House," Oh, who the hell does? TragEdies happen. You think that turning yourself into a disposable incubator for a few weeks is going to protect your baby from all the crap in this world, go ahead, die happy. I got no pRoblems with people killing themselves, but don't think it makes you a hero."
Naomi, [crying] Okay.
House, You're scheduled for 4 P.M.
Lim," Yes, this is Dr. Lim. [The nurses are talking about various happenings, and the anesthesiologist begins to put Naomi under.]"
Anesthesiologist, Count down from ten.
Naomi, Okay. Ten! nine! eight!
Sean," That seemed kind of fast, is she all right?"
Anesthesiologist, She's fine.
Lim, Wake her up. That was Vogler; surgery's off.
House, HEY! You're killing her!
Vogler," Really? See, I thought you were the one trying to ram her into a drug trial five minutes after surgery ""ì"
House," She knows the risks, she was fully informed ""ì"
Vogler," Well, the guy running the study sure wasn't."
House," Not his life, not his call!"
Vogler," His study, his call! [Cuddy comes out of the clinic to watch.]"
House," Right, so she kicks off, his number look bad."
Vogler," The numbers look bad, the study looks bad!"
House, Which would cost you money!
Vogler, And keep a life-saving protocol off the market!
House," One person, one blip in the data!"
Vogler, You Ever heard of the FDA? They eat blips for breakfast! One person should nEver endanger thousands!
House," Well, thank God you were here to save all those lives! [Vogler pauses, breathes, laughs, and shakes a finger at House.]"
Vogler," The board's meeting again this Evening. Why don't you settle down? Play some Game Boy. Why don't you watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today, boy, that should be a good one. [He walks off. House glares at Cuddy before he leaves.]"
Sean," If we had the C-section anyway, we could still do the experimental treatment, right? We'd just have to wait thirty days."
Chase," Assuming the doctor running the trial isn't too pissed off to let her in, yeah."
Naomi," And assuming I'm Even healthy enough to ""ì [She gasps, grabs Foreman, and the monitors all start to beep.]"
Sean, Honey? Are you okay?
Chase," Stats are dropping. Down to the 80s. Stay with us, Naomi."
Sean, What's going on?
Chase, We need you to leave the room. [CGI shot of a blood clot getting stuck in her lungs.]
Foreman, [to a nurse running in] Respiratory distress.
Sean, Could you just tell me what's going on?
Chase," We're trying to find out. [Sean is escorted from the room. Foreman is doing a quick ultrasound on the baby and Naomi's lungs, while Chase looks down Naomi's airway.]"
Foreman, Still kicking.
Chase, Flash pulmonary edema?
Foreman, Lungs are clear. There it is.
Chase, Pulmonary embolus.
Foreman, Gotta get her to an OR.
Sean, What happened?
Foreman," [breaking off from the group to talk to Sean] It's an embolism. A blood clot. It's fairly common with lung cancer. It's not a full saddle embolism, so blood's still trickling through. We've been able to get Naomi breathing a little, but we need to remove the clot, and we need you to approve the treatment."
Sean," Yeah, whatEver you have to do, just do it!"
Foreman," It's not that simple, okay. The best course for the baby would be an immediate C-section. The longer we postpone, the greater chance it'll have brain damage from lack of oxygen."
Sean," Fine, whatEver, just do it!"
Foreman," Here's the pRoblem. The C-section would be very, very dangerous for Naomi."
Sean," Dangerous, like!"
Foreman," In her current condition, there's a real chance she wouldn't survive. I'm sorry. [pause] Look, your wife's unconscious, we need you to make a decision."
Sean," I just want her to live. No C-section. [Foreman nods and runs to the OR, leaving Sean standing in the hallway.]"
Foreman, Stats are still way down. We've got to push the streptokinase.
Chase," Too risky. Even if it dissolves the clot, she could still bleed out anyway."
Foreman, She's hemodynamically compromised.
Chase, It's not good for the baby.
Foreman, Dad doesn't care.
Chase," [inserting a needle] Embolcine 250,000 units. [The monitors start to beep.]"
Foreman, BP's dropping. Pressers!
Chase, We don't have time. We've gotta suck it out.
Foreman," Systolic BP's 80. [Chase gets the clot out.] BP's stabilizing, O2 stats rising. [House enters the OR, in scrubs and minus his cane.]"
House, Did you get the clot?
Chase, I think so. She's stabilized.
House, How long was her oxygen at that lEvel?
Chase, Ten minutes?
House, Brain function compromised? [The monitors go off again.]
Chase, BP's dropping. Up the dopamine. She's not responding. How much?
Foreman, She's up to 30 micrograms!
Chase, Is she septic? [House lifts the Robe on her stomach to rEveal a expanding purplish bruise.]
House, She's bleeding into her abdomen.
Foreman, We won't be able to stop it. I'll go talk to the husband.
House," No, you stay here. [leaving] Keep her as stable as you can for as long as you can. [He leaves the OR to find Sean pacing outside of it.] She had trauma during the procedure. She's bleeding into her abdomen. There's nothing we can do; I'm sorry."
Sean," Um, no."
House, I need you to okay the C-section.
Sean," Yeah, that's gonna kill her, right?"
House, It pRobably will.
Sean, I can't do that.
House, She's dying either way. [Sean drops his coffee cup.]
Sean," I'm sorry, I'm ""ì [House grabs his arms.]"
House," Stay with me, Sean. I need your okay on this."
Sean," She makes the decisions, and I'm ""ì"
House," Right, and that's gonna be tough from now on, but this decision is easy. You know what she'd want."
Sean, I can't do it.
House," You make this call, only two things change. One: yeah, you feel guilty for killing your wife. Two: your baby lives. Naomi's baby lives."
Sean," [sobbing] Okay, okay. [House reenters the OR, Sean sits in one of the chairs outside of it.]"
Lim, He's out; umbilical cord's clamped.
Chase, No respiration.
Foreman, His lungs aren't opening up.
Chase, They aren't mature. [Chase and Foreman work on the baby.]
Foreman," Come on, take a breath. You know you can do it. [The monitors beep. Chase continues to work on the baby while Foreman walks over to Naomi.] What've you got?"
Lim, Looks like v-fib.
Foreman, Pulse?
Lim, No. Paddles!
Chase," [rubbing the baby's chest] Come on, come on."
Lim, Clear! [A shock.]
Foreman, Nothing.
Lim, Charging.
Chase," Come on, open up."
Foreman, [to Chase] How's he doing?
Chase, He's still not breathing; we've got to intubate. [He goes to get the equipment.]
Lim," Clear! [Another shock. Nothing happens to Naomi, but the baby starts to cry. As Naomi is shocked again, Chase tends to the now-breathing baby.]"
Cuddy, [to person she was walking with] Thank you. [to House] I'm late for the board meeting. [House gets up to walk with her.]
House, We need to talk.
Cuddy, I don't want to hear it.
House, It's about a Patient.
Cuddy," The pregnant Woman? She wasn't qualified for that trial and I'm not going to apologize ""ì"
House," I'm not talking about her. At this point I think it's best that I concentrate on Patients who are still alive. [Cuddy looks surprised.] Pulmonary embolism. She bled out. Saved her son. [He hands Cuddy some films.] This is Olive Kaplan's CT scan, the incredible shrinking baby. [Cuddy looks at it.]"
Cuddy," Her thymus gland ""ì"
House," DiGeorge Syndrome. It's genetic, can cause the gland to wither to nothing."
Cuddy, This is why she couldn't gain weight.
House, Yeah.
Cuddy, I'll call the police and Social Services and have all the charges withdrawn.
House, I've sent a test down to confirm; when it comes back you should start Olive on immunoglobulin replacement.
Cuddy, You're not going to do it?
House, I assume I won't be here.
Foreman," Your boy's doing good. [Sean nods, and bends over to kiss Naomi.]"
Vogler," It's the same motion as yesterday, people, same reasons. All those in favor of dismissing Gregory House raise a hand. [Everyone raises a hand except Cuddy.] Dr. Cuddy, you realize this is going to happen."
Cuddy, I can't do it.
Vogler, You can't abstain.
Cuddy," I'm not abstaining, I'm voting no."
Vogler," You've changed your mind since yesterday? What did he do, buy you dinner and roses? Threaten to drown your dog?"
Cuddy, He did his job.
Vogler, Right. He saved another life.
Cuddy, Maybe.
Vogler, Good for him. It's great. It's not the point.
Cuddy, It's what we do.
Vogler, And you could do it a lot better if you didn't have to worry about some madMan running around the hospital accountable to no one!
Cuddy, But that's not the choice you're giving us.
Vogler," House won't listen to anyone ""ì"
Cuddy," And you're not accountable to anybody, either! Because you think you own us."
Vogler, I move for the immediate dismissal of Dr. Cuddy.
 Simpson," She's upset, we all are. Why would you risk your career to save him? [Cuddy gives him an incredulous look.]"
Cuddy," If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go, then vote yes. But if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right! He does own you. [She stands to leave.] You have a choice. Maybe the last real one you'll have here. [She leaves. Everyone looks at Vogler, and!]"
House," Cuddy is a genius, [Ball to Foreman] convincing four people to give up a fortune to save our sorry asses. [Cuddy walks in.] Dr. Cuddy! [He raises his glass.] The Man of the hour. [Foreman throws the ball to her, which she catches. There are shouts of ""Hey, hey!""ù and the like.]"
Cuddy, What are you doing?
House," We're drinking. I would have thought that was pretty obvious. [Ball is thrown to Chase, Cuddy picks up a glass.]"
Cuddy," Well, to the great champion. Saved you, saved Wilson, saved the whole team. [She drinks the entire glass in one go.] Of course, none of them would have needed saving if you could actually get along with another huMan being."
House," Well, thank you, Miss Buzzkill."
Cuddy," Well, you only cost us $100 million. Could have saved some lives, could have made a few jobs, helped a few people. Yippee."
House, You voted to get rid of him.
Cuddy, The lesser of two evils. You should be mourning. I know I am.
Coach," Visualizing? [Mary nods.] All right. You're up, tiger. You feel all right? You look a little pale."
Mary, I'm fine.
Coach, Does your neck still hurt?
Mary, It'll be fine.
Coach," You know, maybe you should do the two and a half instead."
Mary, I'm gonna do the three.
Coach," Well, it's better to nail the two and a half than ""ì"
Mary, I'm gonna nail the three.
Coach," All right. Well, let's show these senior citizens what a well-coached twelve-year-old can do, huh? [Mary takes off her jacket and climbs the steps to the diving platform.]"
Announcer," The next diver: two-time National Junior Champion Mary Carroll. [Mary reaches the top of the platform. Her vision goes a bit blurry, but she shakes it off and stands on the edge, preparing for her dive.]"
Mary," Damn it, you can do this, come on. Just! see it, see it. [She steps back on her toes. The Judges stare at her.] Big jump, let it count. Rip it. [She jumps, and nails the dive. She resurfaces triumphantly, to a silent pool. Something's up. Everyone is staring at one of the Judges, who has collapsed.]"
A Coach," Call 911. We need an ambulance! [The Judge is bleeding out of his ear. And with that psych, we go to the opening credits.]"
House, I saw the light on.
Cameron, It's daytime.
House," Yeah, it's a figure of speech. Always so literal. [pause]"
Cameron, Got a new cane.
House, Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe!
Cameron, Why are you here?
House, Vogler is dead.
Cameron, What? What happened?
House," Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea, Mr. Destructo, Mr. Moneybags, bow down before me; he is gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were."
Cameron, The way they were was kind of weird.
House, Weird works for me.
Cameron, What are you saying? Literally?
House, I want you to come back.
Cameron," Why? [House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms.]"
House," Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing!"
Cameron, Could you look at your pager? [House looks at it.]
House," It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area."
Cameron," You should go, it's important."
House, What I'm doing now is important.
Cameron, Why do you want me back?
House, Because you're a good doctor.
Cameron, That's it?
House, That's not enough?
Cameron, Not for me. Go deal with your plague. [She closes the door and locks it.]
Overhead speaker voice," You are in a quarantined area. Please remain calm and stay in line. A doctor will see you shortly. When you see a doctor, you will receive a blue or yellow form. Patients with blue forms must immediately enter the Parking lot! [House starts to leave.]"
Cuddy, [leaving the clinic and heading toward him] Dr. House! We need you here.
House," Sorry, lot of sick people. I might catch something."
Cuddy," A Judge at the campus pool center collapsed, LP rEvealed a virulent form of bacterial meningitis."
House," Great, got it diagnosed, you don't need me."
Cuddy, 2500 people at the pool center were exposed. They're being bused to all the neighboring hospitals.
House," That's a pRoblem of resources, not diagnostics. No, I'd be completely lost, get in Everyone's way."
Cuddy," Joe! [A security guard ""ì Joe, pRobably ""ì stops House from leaving.] Dr. House doesn't have a blue slip. No one leaves the quarantine area without a blue slip. You are a doctor at this hospital: act like one. And [she grabs a cup of pills] take these. [House does so.]"
House, [reading a thermometer] 102. You win a trip to the second floor. Next!
Wilson," All right, no fEver, no rash, you're fine. Take these two pills, and show this blue slip to Security on your way out. Next!"
House," Take these, go home, talk to your daughter."
Patient, What?
House," Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. PRobably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. PRobably wants to look older to get into bars."
Patient, I don't have a daughter. [House hands her a blue slip.]
House, Next!
Patient, So I have it.
Chase," Yellow form to the second form, you're gonna be fine."
Patient, I'm gonna die!
Chase, It's treatable as long as you go to the second floor. Next.
House, Yow.
Mary, FEver. Does that mean I have it?
House, You have a rash? Come on. [Mary lifts her jacket to rEveal a red rash on her hip.]
Mary," It's from my new bathing suit, I've had it a week."
House," Yeah. Does your neck hurt? If it does, you get the trifecta."
Mary, It's nothing. I pulled it trying to do a three-and-a-half tuck.
House, Where are your parents?
Mary, We live in Parkcago. I'm here with my coach. [She cranes her neck to look at what House is writing on her chart.] I wanted to see what you were writing.
House," [turns his neck] Go like this. [Mary turns her head to the left and to the right, which hurts her.] Now like this. [She then nods it to her chest and up, which doesn't hurt at all.]"
Foreman," Take these pills. A blue slip will get you out of here. Next! [He automatically puts his hands up, to find House next in line.]"
House," You're coming with me. [After looking at his pile of blue slips, Foreman follows.]"
Chase," You're going to need a CT scan. Second floor, take the elevators, follow the parade. Next! [House whistles to him from the doorway. Chase goes to.]"
Chase, Maybe something systemic.
Foreman, Or maybe it's meningitis.
House," She's had the rash a week. If it was this meningitis, she'd be dead by now. [Cuddy walks up.]"
Cuddy, You guys figure we're done down there? The 800 people milling around are just waiting for the bathroom?
House," 12-year-old female. FEver, rash, neck pains. Not meningitis."
Cuddy, It's the definition of meningitis!
House," Sure, pus in the spinal canal makes it hurt to move your head up and down, but her head only hurts moving side to side."
Cuddy," Oh, side to side."
House, Doesn't fit.
Cuddy," The three of you, lobby, now."
House, Those little pills you're passing out so efficiently aren't going to do Miss Louganis squat.
Cuddy, You just don't want to deal with the epidemic.
House," That's right. I'm subjecting a 12-year-old to a battery of dangerous and evasive tests to avoid being bored. [Everyone stares at him.] Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not. If it turns out she does have meningitis, you're right, you win, but if we go back downstairs and she dies! your face will be so red."
Cuddy, You have one hour. [She stalks off.]
House, Get a lumbar puncture. Some brain infections can be pretty clEver at hide-and-seek.
Chase, I'll get on her bloodwork.
House," No you won't. You, sir, will research all the causes in the universe of neck pain."
Chase," The list is, like, two miles long!"
House, Start with the letter A. And put her on rifampin.
Foreman," Rifampin is for meningitis. You just said ""ì"
House, In case I'm wrong. It has happened.
Brenda, Hold on. [Foreman pushes his way through.]
Foreman," That's why I said 'excuse me.' Brenda, I need a bed, and!"
Foreman," Push me again. Brenda, I need a bed and a nurse for a lumbar puncture."
Brenda," No beds, no nurses for at least 4 hours."
Foreman, I've only got one.
Brenda, Your Patient only has an hour to live unless she gets a lumbar puncture?
Foreman, Cuddy only gave us an hour to work on the Patient.
Brenda, Back of the line. [The other doctors laugh at him as he leaves.]
Foreman," This novocaine will numb you for the lumbar puncture. Sorry this has to be so public, Mary."
Mary, Normally I'm in a bathing suit with 5000 people staring at my butt. I can block this out. [Foreman raises his eyebrows at the coach.]
Coach, These kids are all very mature. Travel around the country from Event to Event.
Foreman," Okay, I need you to hold your knees and tuck your head."
Mary, Like a dive?
Foreman," Exactly. [She does so.] Good, great. Don't forget to breathe. [He's about to start the puncture when someone hits the gurney.]"
Person, Sorry!
Foreman," Geez! Coach, help me out here, play a little defense before I poke the wrong thing? Okay, here we go. [He starts the puncture.]"
Mary," Ow, I feel, ow, I feel it, ow!"
Foreman," Try to relax, Mary, try to relax."
House, What letter are you up to?
Chase, A.
House," Torture combing through all that stuff, ain't it? Real dull. Awful."
Chase, It's no pRoblem.
House," Well, thank goodness. A lot of people would resent having to do this."
Foreman, [to a nurse] Where's the 12-year-old girl that was here?
Nurse, Needed the gurney.
Foreman," She just had a lumbar puncture, she's not supposed to be moved!"
Nurse," Sorry, we needed the gurney. [Foreman walks the hallways, looking for Mary, and finds her lying on a couch.]"
Foreman, Hey.
Coach, Hey.
Foreman, You okay? How's your head feeling?
Coach," She's got a headache, and she's dizzy."
Foreman," She shouldn't have been moved after the procedure, I'm sorry."
Mary," I'm fine, what did the test show?"
Foreman," No meningitis, no other infections."
Mary," But you're not carrying a blue form. I have something else, don't I?"
Foreman," Something's causing your symptoms. We're going to keep you overnight. I know it's a little crazy here, but hopefully things will settle down and we'll get you a room. [Mary starts to cry.]"
Mary, I'm sorry. I'm not usually all emotional like this.
Coach, You're doing great. Your folks will land in a few hours.
Mary," I just! I haven't slept, I'm so tired. [She wipes her eyes.] Oh my God, my eye's bleeding. What is it, what's happening? [Foreman checks it out with his pocket flashlight.]"
Foreman," Oh, don't worry. The antibiotic we gave you in case you had meningitis can turn your tears reddish. That's not blood. [He notices something, and opens her mouth to rEveal bloody teeth and gums.] But that! that's blood."
Mary, That's going into my stomach?
Chase," The vials showed blood in your GI tract. We need to find out where it's coming from. You won't feel it. I'm going to numb the back of your throat and Dr. Foreman is going to give you a sedative. Open. [Mary opens her mouth, and Chase sprays her throat. The three of them are gathering a crowd of spectators.] Swallow. Now lay on your side for me. And here we go. [Chase rolls his eyes at the people crowding him.] Yell ""fire,""ù or something."
Foreman," People, this area is highly contagious. Please step back. Highly contagious."
Chase," All right. Try to relax, Mary, this shouldn't take too long. [He inserts the scope, and he and Foreman watch it's progress on the monitor.]"
Foreman, Don't see any tears or lesions.
Chase," All right, I'm in her stomach. There's no bleeding."
Foreman," There was more than a tablespoon of blood in her stomach, so it's got to be there. Maybe her small intestine."
Chase," 30 feet of digestive tract, it could be anywhere in there. We're not going to see it with this."
Chase," BeliEve it or not, this is a camera. You swallow it, and it goes all the way through your system. The antennae pick up the signal from the pill. [Mary is wearing a belt with the sensor equipment.] We're going to look at the video of your intestines, see where the blood is coming from, and fix it. Water? Down the hatch. [She swallows it.]"
House," Think I've seen this movie. The ending's kind of dark. [He offers some candy to Foreman.] Want one? [He pretends to offer one to Chase, but takes it away when he starts to take one.] How come you did the endoscopy?"
Chase, He asked for help!
Foreman," Her blood pressure was high, I was worried ""ì"
House," Foreman is not your boss. When I tell you to do something ""ì whoa. Hold it there. Back it up a couple of frames. [He looks intently at the image on the screen.] Oh, yeah! That's your money shot."
Foreman, I don't see anything.
House, Really? Ginormous thing on the right side of her intestine doesn't Even intrigue you?
Foreman," Does ginormous mean really big or really, really big, 'cause I don't see anything."
Chase, There? A Dieulafoy?
Foreman," Oh. Well, we can burn off the swollen blood vessel, but it still doesn't account for her other symptoms."
House," No, but it does tell us something. Though I have no idea what."
Foreman, Could be a precursor to intestinal intussusception.
House, Precursor isn't causing all of her other symptoms. What else? [Cuddy enters.]
Cuddy," You, in the lobby, now."
House, I hurt my leg. I have a note.
Cuddy," You had your hour. Three, actually."
House," Dr. Chase, I told you to tell us when our time was up. She has intestinal bleeding."
Cuddy, She'll wait. Two more buses just arrived. We need you downstairs.
House," No, you need more nurses. But you cut back on the nursing staff so you have doctors doing what the nurses should be doing."
Cuddy, That's true. I wonder if that has anything to do you with you costing us $100 million.
House," [to Patient, handing her a blue slip] Go, be free. [A bouncy teen walks up.]"
Foreman," It's not the intussusception, what about stomach cancer?"
Wilson, Does she have any abdominal pain?
Chase, No.
Wilson, Then it's not stomach cancer. Have you ruled out sepsis?
Chase, The LP and blood smear showed no signs of infection. [hands a blue slip to a Patient] Here. Take these two pills and you can go. [House sniffs the hair of his Patient.]
Foreman," Well, the lab's working at double their capacity, maybe someone screwed up."
House," No fEver, no neck pain. Take the elevator to the third floor."
Wilson," Whoa, whoa, whoa, wrong form. No fEver, no neck pain, she's fine."
House," Smell her hair, no chlorine. Which means she wasn't at the pool. Which means she's come to a quarantined area because she's a idiot or she's insane. No one is that stupid. East wing, psych ward, bye-bye. [She wanders off.]"
Chase, Neck pain could be a symptom for bone cancer.
House, You up to Bs? Well done!
Wilson," It would account for all her meningial symptoms. Rash, fEver! [to Patient] You're fine. Take these two pills!"
House, [to Foreman] Get a sample of her bone marrow.
Foreman, From here?
House, Break time.
Foreman, Need more than 15 minutes.
House," Use Chase's break, too. Go."
Wilson, You should just fire Chase.
House," What, and miss out on all this fun?"
Wilson, So you're going to torture him for a while and then fire him? That's cold.
House, You don't think he has it coming?
Wilson," Hey, I said fire him. [Random Patient in the hallway vomits. I say because I care.]"
House, That's cold. All he did was save his job.
Wilson, What? He completely screwed you over! [House spies Cuddy walking there way.]
House," Right rudder. [She follows.] Bank, bank, bank!"
Cuddy," Good coffee? [Having stopped the show here, I'd like to point out that right here, both House and Wilson are staring at Cuddy's cleavage. Bwah.] The rest of this hospital is busting it's tail, and! [House raises the chart he's holding to cover Cuddy's midsection.] What are you doing?"
House, Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods. [Wilson tries not to smile/laugh.]
Cuddy," I am! working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!"
House," Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine."
Cuddy," Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?"
House," No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their funbags."
Cuddy, Your 3 o'clock interview for Dr. Cameron's position is in your office.
House," Ah, not interviewing today. I don't know if you've heard, but there's this big time epidemic. Many sick people puking in the hallways, it's crazy."
Wilson," I'll send the interview home, we can reschedule."
Cuddy," No, you won't. You will interview this person, and if he can put two sentences together you will send him to the lobby where he will do his job. Unlike the two of you."
Foreman," Come on, you know I can't do a bone marrow aspiration in the hallway."
Brenda, And I can't give you a procedure room.
Foreman, I just need something at least close to a sterile environment.
Brenda, I need 10 more nurses.
Foreman," Brenda, listen, listen. She'll die."
Brenda," At least she'll have a bed, then. [to another nurse] Put that over there. [And an idea hits Dr. Foreman!]"
Mary, Are there dead people in those cabinets?
Foreman," I hope that's who's in there. Just be calm, relax."
Mary," Ow, ow."
Foreman," Hang on, hang on. Almost done."
 Spain," You know, I really admire the way you don't care what anyone thinks. You just do what you want, the way you want."
Wilson," So, you went to Hopkins for both undergrad and med school?"
 Spain, That's right.
House, He's in a band.
 Spain, You into music?
House, Totally. What kind of music do you play?
 Spain," Um, mostly blues, you know. James Cotton, some original stuff."
House," [pops a Vicodin] Oh, dude. You are so hired."
 Spain, Really?
House, Not a chance.
 Spain, Why?
House, Tattoo. [Dr. Spain turns his right arm to rEveal an Asian symbol on his forearm.]
 Spain, Wow. I thought you'd be the last person to have a pRoblem with nonconformity.
House," Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a 20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara. [Dr. Spain leaves.]"
Wilson, So should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
House," Actually, the Asian kids are pRobably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid."
Mary, I don't know.
Foreman," Just got it out of storage. It is the previous generation, but it works just fine. Could you guys give us a second?"
Mary," If it's good news, you can tell them."
Foreman, Okay. We're pretty sure it's not cancer.
Coach, I'll call your parents.
Foreman," Well, we still can't release her. We still don't know yet exactly what's causing the ""ì [A monitor beeps.] Mary? [Foreman looks into her eyes with his flashlight.]"
Coach, What's wrong? [Mary is unresponsive and unmoving.]
Foreman," She's having an absence seizure. Mary, you okay?"
Coach, She looks fine.
Foreman," I need some help over here! [to a nurse] Push two milligrams Ativan, stat!"
House, Are you sure it was an absence seizure?
Foreman, Absolutely. She was totally unresponsive and unaware of what was going on around her. [Sounds of someone groaning in a stall. Er! yeah.]
House, Do you mind? We're trying to work.
Chase, We should get back out there. Cuddy's going to be looking for us.
House," Looking, but not finding. You do an EEG?"
Foreman, Seizure frequency's increasing. They're almost constant now. 5 in the last half hour.
House, Which tells us!
Foreman, It's definitely in the brain.
Chase, And it's getting worse.
House," And? [More groaning.] Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?"
Chase, Could be barbiturate withdrawal.
Foreman," No, can't be drugs. She's tested at Every meet she competes in."
House, A bleed in the brain can cause seizures.
Chase, Rat poison. Could also cause the neck pain.
Foreman, You think she's eating off the floor of her folks' garage?
House, Doesn't have to be.
Foreman, Who would poison a 12-year-old?
House," Well, let's see now, there's the 18-year-old has-been that she beat out to make Nationals, the has-been's parents, jealous siblings, sociopathic swim fan, and then there's just your plain old garden variety whack job. [The toilet flushes, and some kid Patient walks out of the stall.] Hey! You know what a hemorrhoid is?"
Kid, No.
House," Well, google it. And try some Raisin Bran instead of the donuts. [He turns on the faucet with his cane.] Okay, do a CT scan, check for intercranial bleeding."
Foreman," Not a chance, radiology's totally swamped."
House," If our Patient's bleeding into her brain, she's gonna be dead in 8 hours."
Foreman," She could be, but a meningitis Patient will be without a CT scan."
Chase," When I was in med school, I had this old professor ""ì"
House, -- who touched you in the naughty place?
Chase," Before the CT scan was introduced, he specialized in transcranial ultrasound."
House," Hmm. Ancient, but if there's enough bleeding it might work. Okay, do what the guy who didn't specialize in neurology said. [Foreman leaves.]"
Chase, It was my idea!
House," [mimics him, then] You've still got to cover Q-Z."
House," Sorry I'm late, I was taking a dump."
 Gilmar, I'm guessing I'm better off interviewing right after than right before.
Wilson," Dr. Petra Gilmar, Dr. Gregory House."
House," You actually speak four languages, or you just banking on nEver being interviewed by anyone who does? [He takes some Vicodin.]"
 Gilmar, It's true. And I can swear in two more.
House," Why are you leaving Dr. Hazel? Did you fall for him and can't handle it, or is it the other way around? [Wilson is a little shocked by the way this conversation is going.]"
Wilson," Yes, well, pretty much Every fellowship ends that way."
 Gilmar," No, it was nothing like that."
House," You Jewish? [Wilson gives him a ""hey, now!""ù kind of look.]"
 Gilmar, Yes.
House, Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Wilson," Uh, uh!"
 Gilmar, Two hours of begging?
House, I heard four.
 Gilmar," Well, actually, I'm only half-Jewish. [Wilson and House exchange looks.] Look, I know you like to play games with people. I know you like to say outrageous things and study how they react. What you should know about me is that I grew up with four brothers. Keep your hands to yourself, I'm okay with anything that comes out of your mouth."
Wilson," Well, that's great. I think that's all we'll need. Thank you for coming by."
 Gilmar," Thank you. [She shakes Wilson's hand, and House's. Wilson closes the door as she leaves.]"
Wilson, That's our Hitler!
House, No way.
Wilson," Are you kidding? Her background's perfect, she's smart, she can obviously deal with your insanity!"
House, Did you see her shoes?
Wilson," Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?"
House," The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth."
Wilson, They were Prada. It means she has good taste.
House, They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
Wilson," Okay, well, they were nice, pointy!"
House," Exactly, they were stylish, and very painful to wear. Only an incredibly shallow and insecure Woman would rather be in pain all day then wear a decent looking, comfortable shoe, and that's exactly the type I don't need around here."
Wilson," No, someone who can handle a lot of pain is exactly the type you do need."
Foreman, [to the doctor doing meningitis tests] Excuse me.
Mary, What are you doing?
Foreman, I'm ultrasounding your head. You're still having seizures. This should help us figure out what's going on.
House, Blue form to the security guard.
Wilson, You're not going to be happy with anyone.
House," So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?"
Wilson," No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away."
House, Now it's people. I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Wilson, You have a history of this.
House," Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head."
Wilson," Take these, there's water over there, blue form to the guard, and you're done. [House and Wilson walk off.] You had the perfect person, and you blew it."
House, You saw the shoes!
Wilson, I'm not talking about her.
House, You're talking about Cameron.
Wilson, I'm talking about Every Woman you've Ever given a damn about.
House, Cameron is so not perfect.
Wilson," Well, nobody's perfect."
House, Mother Teresa?
Wilson, Dead.
House, Angelina Jolie?
Wilson, No medical degree.
House, Now who's being picky?
Wilson," You're going to wind up alone, House. [Foreman and Chase walk up.]"
Foreman," You were right, there's a significant bleed in her temporal lobe."
Chase," No poisons. Did a tox screen on her blood, urine and hair, nothing. Did 'em twice."
Cuddy," [to a nurse, working on a Patient] He's a little dehydrated, put him on a saline drip and give him some orange juice. [House walks up.]"
House, I need an operating room and a surgeon.
Cuddy," Oh, well, given the current crisis I'm tempted to say no, but since you've been so sweet to me today ""ì"
House, Our little mermaid is bleeding into her temporal lobe.
Cuddy, How fast can you have her prepped?
House, 20 minutes.
Cuddy, You'll have a surgeon in the room in 10.
Foreman, Mr. and Mrs. Carroll?
 Carroll, Are you Dr. House?
Coach, This is Dr. Foreman.
 Carroll, Is Mary all right?
Foreman, The operation went well. The intercranial pressure's been reliEved and the swelling's already going down.
 Carroll, Thank God.
 Carroll," Well, what happened? Did she bang her head at a meet, or did she ""ì"
Coach," No, nothing like that."
 Carroll, Then why is she bleeding? Is she going to be all right?
Foreman," We're sorry, we still don't know."
Chase," No toxins, no tumor, no bone cancer."
Foreman," Adrenal failure could cause the rash, fEver and muscle pain. Maybe it's some sort of genetic kidney disorder."
Chase," No family history, and no blood in her urine or!"
Foreman, Not yet.
Chase, You want to do a differential based on symptoms that might happen?
Foreman, Got a better idea?
House," Stop it. Stop looking for things we don't know and focus on what we do know. What do we actually know besides what's up there? Come on, how hard can it be to tell me what you already know?"
Chase, She's 12.
Foreman," She spends a lot of time at the pool, so exposure to chemicals."
Chase, She travels a lot.
Foreman, But nEver out of the country.
House, What else? Come on! [He leaves the room.]
House," [to Chase and Foreman, who just walked up] We're missing something."
Chase, What?
House," Well, if I knew that it wouldn't be missing."
Chase, Maybe she's adopted and we've got the wrong history.
House," No, she's got her mom's eyes and a red patch of hair just like dad."
Foreman, What about an allergic reaction?
Chase," Could explain the rash and muscle pain, but not the bleeding or seizures."
House, That's a lot of balloons.
Chase, Think she's allergic to polyester?
House, Not unless she's been competing in the nude all these years.
Chase, Then what are you thinking? What do the balloons mean?
House, What if the rash isn't a rash?
Foreman, What are you talking about?
House, Who gave her the balloons?
Foreman," Some of the girls from her team. They've been visiting her pretty regularly, but none of them are sick."
House, What about the guys?
Foreman, None of them are sick either.
House, Which guys visited her?
Foreman," Actually, none."
House," She's cute, she's nice, she's a kick-ass diver. You'd think the guys would be falling over themselves to get close to her."
Foreman, She's 12. The youngest guy on her team is 16.
House," Okay, so maybe they're just not interested. Or!"
Chase, They're avoiding her.
House, There any cell fragments in her blood smears?
Chase," No, red blood cells were intact."
House, Check 'em again.
Chase," Blood looks like it's been put through the blender, now. [House enters.]"
House, You done yet?
Foreman," You were right. Rash wasn't a rash, she's bleeding into her skin. It's purpura."
Chase, Thrombocytopenia purpura?
House, Starts with T. You were so close.
Foreman," What could have set it off? She had no trace of E. Coli in her cultures, she's obviously not menopausal, so no estrogen."
House, There is one other possible cause.
Chase," Oh, God."
House," Pregnancy cause all kinds of chemical and biological changes in a Woman's body. Or a girl's body, as the case may be. [He moves the screen so she can see the fetus.] In extremely rare cases, Everything goes haywire. It's called TTP. Blood starts clotting like crazy, clogs the vessels in your brain and kidneys. Red blood cells end up getting shredded as they squeeze past the clot like a fat guy in a crowed bar. I'm sure you know what that's like. You're only 12, but you're all grown up, right? [He offers her tissues.] Travel on your own, hang out in hotel rooms getting room service with your teammates, maybe someone sneaks in a couple of beers, you start playing spin the bottle! next thing you know you're waking up in nothing but your socks."
Mary, It wasn't like that.
House, Of course not. You wanted it.
Mary," Yeah, I did. He turned out to be a jerk, but!"
House," Actually, under New Jersey law the term is 'felon.'"
Mary, I knew what I was doing.
House, We're going to have to do something called plasmapheresis. It cleans the antibodies from your blood. We're also going to have to terminate the pregnancy.
Mary, You're going to tell my parents?
House, Someone should. Rock paper scissors?
Mary, They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
House," Of course you will. If you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina, obviously you're old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help."
Mary, You're going to tell my parents?
House," Under New Jersey law, you're the boss."
House," Your daughter has TTP. Don't worry, it's curable, she'll be fine."
 Carroll," Well, wait! What does TTP stand for?"
House, Some really big words that you've nEver heard before and when we're done we'll nEver hear again. Have a nice day.
 Carroll," Well, when can we take her home?"
House," Uh, in a few days. She needs some minor surgery to remove the underlying cause before we can do the! another really big word."
 Carroll, What's the underlying cause?
House, She has an abnormal growth in her abdomen.
 Carroll, What kind of surgery?
House, It's very simple. We do it here all the time.
 Carroll, Could you be a little more specific?
House," Actually, no. I'm sorry."
Chase, You're doing good.
Foreman, Feeling okay?
Mary, Yeah.
Chase," You should be, your platelet count's up."
Foreman, How's your neck? [Mary moves it around.] Looks good. Anything else we can get you?
Mary, No thanks.
Foreman, Okay. [They start to leave.]
Mary, Yeah. [They turn.] Can I see my mom and dad?
Chase," [walking up] Plasmapheresis is working, she's going to be fine."
House, I know.
 Marks," I can't Even tell you how much I appreciate the opportunity to meet with you. [And House! remains silent.] The moment I heard you had another fellowship opening, I ""ì"
House, There is no opening.
Wilson," House, you have to hire someone."
House, I know. The position's been filled.
 Marks, Why am I interviewing for a position that's already been filled?
House, Exactly. [He gets up to leave.]
 Marks, I called to confirm the interview this morning.
House," You figure if you keep arguing I'm going to cave, admit it's all a lie, and hire you? [He leaves.]"
Wilson, Do you need your Parking validated?
House, I don't want to interview anyone else.
Cameron, You're interviewing? I thought you'd just have them send a headshot along with their CV.
House, Hah. That's good. And why I need you around. To keep me in my place. [He keeps trying to look into Cameron's apartment. Heh.]
Cameron," I can't come back, I told you that."
House, Wasn't listening.
Cameron, Right.
House, You want me to listen to you more? I can do that.
Cameron, Right. I already accepted a position somewhere else.
House, With who?
Cameron," Yule, at Jefferson."
House, Unaccept it.
Cameron, Why?
House, Because Yule is boring. He's pedantic and preachy. Because he's short. Because I want you to come back.
Cameron, Not good enough.
House," Want more money? A car allowance, better Parking space?"
Cameron, Dinner. And not just a meal between two colleagues. A date.
House, You'll come back to work if I go out on a date with you?
Cameron, Yes.
House," Okay, it's a deal. [They shake on it.]"
Cameron, See you tomorrow morning.
House, Don't be late.
Cameron, I won't. [She closes the door.]
Harvey, Will it be much longer?
Brenda, We'll call you when we're ready.
Harvey, I've been waiting almost an hour.
Brenda, We'll call you when we're ready.
Harvey," I'm sorry. [He starts to nervously pace around the clinic. We move to Exam Room Two, where House, Wilson, and some other guy are watParkng baseball on House's TV. House offers snacks to Wilson.]"
Wilson, So she's really coming back?
Some guy, Who's coming back?
House, You don't know her.
Wilson, You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?
House," Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up."
Some guy, You lower her hours?
House, You don't Even know her.
Wilson, Who is this guy?
House, He's a Patient.
Some guy, He's examining me.
House," He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do, too."
Wilson," [shaking his head] It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she likes you. [House gets a very wooden look on his face, and Wilson knows he's struck gold.] Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!"
Some guy, Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!
House, Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check. [to Wilson] I've agreed to take her on one date.
Wilson, What?!? [Both Wilson and the other guy look very excited.]
Some guy," So, you in to this girl?"
Wilson," Yes ""ì"
House, No! She's not giving me any choice. [Wilson now looks a bit puzzled.]
Some guy, Wait! she's making you do her?
House, Date her.
Wilson," Young ingÈnue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart."
Some guy," [putting an arm around House's shoulders] Do her, or you're gay. [Wilson thinks about that one. Heh.]"
House, For God's sake. [He grabs his TV and leaves. As he's walking out the door --]
Wilson and Some guy," [kind of singing] Sitting in a tree, K-i-s-s-i-n-g."
House," [over them] Grow up. And learn to harmonize. [He shuts the door and runs into Harvey, who spills an open cup of liquid on him.] Damn it!"
Harvey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
House, Who the hell walks around with an open urine sample?
Harvey," I'm sorry, I didn't, uh, I didn't! [He backs away from the scary Man with the cane. Wilson walks out of the exam room.]"
Wilson, You think that was a bit of an overreaction?
House," Well, he peed on me. I'm not into that. [Wilson sniffs House's jacket.]"
Wilson, It's apple juice. Now go find that Man and apologize. One more Patient complaint and you're looking at a suspension. [He takes House's TV and goes back into the exam room.]
House," I forgive you for ruining my jacket. [Harvey doesn't move.] Look, you seem like a regular kind of guy, not the type to get another regular guy into trouble, am I right? [It sounds like Harvey is sobbing, House rolls his eyes.] Twenty bucks cash if you'll stop crying. [Nothing doing.] Forgive me, yell at me, just give me something I can work with, okay? [He grabs Harvey's shoulder, and turns him around to rEveal a Harvey that's not doing well at all. He quickly checks his pulse and flashes a light in his pupils, which are blown. Wilson shows up.]"
Wilson, Game's over. You two make nice?
House," Get a wheelchair, and get this guy into the ER."
Wilson, What happened?
House, Right pupil's blown.
Wilson," Holy! you gave the guy a stroke? [Harvey kind of moans, and with that we go to the Opening Credits.]"
Chase, [playing with a small ball] So the bear wipes himself with the rabbit. [He throws the ball to Foreman.]
Foreman," Lame. [He throws the ball, which is caught by Cameron, walking in the door.]"
Chase, Hey!
Foreman, Yo!
Chase," What are you doing here? [Foreman gives Cameron a hug, aww.]"
Cameron, I work here.
Chase," What, here in this office?"
Cameron, House practically begged me to come back.
Foreman, Please tell me you took him to the cleaners?
Cameron, Same lousy salary.
Chase, Then why'd you do it?
House," [entering with Wilson] Cause this is the happiest place on Earth. 21-year-old male, comes in with grinding of the teeth."
Wilson," And House gives him a stroke, totally blows out his pupil."
Foreman, You scared a guy into stroking out?
Wilson, Does that surprise anyone here?
Cameron, Blown pupils usually means brain stem edema.
House," Sure, but since he's not dead or in a coma, I'm going with stroke to the optic nerve. [He puts up scans on the light board.] CT scan shows two things."
Foreman," Ischemia. Death of brain tissue. Means there's been some damage, hopefully not perManent."
House, And?
Foreman, That's it. There's nothing there to tell us what the underlying cause is. We've got to do an MRI.
House, You're looking at the wrong part of the scan.
Foreman," I'm looking at the brain, what else is there?"
Cameron, The jaw.
Chase, The jaw tells us why he stroked?
Cameron," No, the jaw tells us why we can't do an MRI. Unless we want his jawbone flying across the room."
House," Metal plate. He's had major reconstruction and there's no way we're removing it, so we're forced to be clEver. Angiogram to rule out vascultis, EMG for peripheral neuropathy, tox screen to eliminate drugs, an echo to rule out cardiac emboli. [As they all leave] Dr. Cameron. I'd appreciate you keeping the terms of your new contract to yourself. Don't want Everyone clamoring for the same perks."
Chase, [as soon as the three of them are in the hallway] What perks?
Cameron, Nothing you'd be interested in.
Foreman," So it's not money, then? Office space, insurance, Parking! anything he could offer you, we'd be interested in."
Cameron, He agreed to go on a date with me.
Foreman," [looking at Chase incredulously] A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?"
Cameron, He only committed to the first two.
Chase," He's so, he's so old!"
Cameron, And you're so young.
Foreman, It's a big mistake.
Cameron," It's my boss. I'm allowed to sexually harass my boss. I'll arrange for the EMG, [to Chase] you want to set up the angiogram, and [to Foreman] you get the blood samples, Patient history, Patient consent? [Cameron leaves behind a smirking Foreman and a faintly disgusted Chase.]"
Foreman, Like watParkng an accident about to happen.]
Foreman," Morning! Harvey, I'm Dr. Foreman. I'm here to discuss your case. [Harvey looks to Annette.]"
Annette," I'm Annette, I'm Harvey's friend."
Foreman," Nice to meet you. I need your next of kin, you didn't fill that out on your intake form. [Harvey again looks to Annette.]"
Annette, Harvey's parents are dead. They died two years ago in a car crash.
Foreman," I see. So, Harvey, you have any siblings?"
Annette," No, and no grandparents or uncles or aunts."
Foreman," Annette, I don't want to have to ask you to leave."
Harvey, I want her to stay.
Foreman," Well, she can stay. [pointedly] You do the talking. Why'd you come to the clinic this morning?"
Harvey," Uh, about six months ago, I started grinding my, my! you know, in your mouth, you get, you chew with them!"
Annette," Teeth. Harvey's experiencing a little nominal aphasia, you know, when you can't remember nouns."
Foreman," Yeah, I think I know what nominal aphasia is. Have you had any treatment for the teeth grinding?"
Harvey," I went to a, you know, they do that thing with sharp, uh, pointy things."
Foreman, Needles? Someone took your blood.
Harvey," No, they make you breathe."
Foreman, Pulmonologist.
Harvey," No, she had this, uh, electrical maParkne! [Foreman looks to Annette.]"
Annette, He saw an acupuncturist.
Foreman, Uh huh. [to Annette again] Do you know what the acupuncturist did?
Annette, She diagnosed Liver Qi stagnation and sent Harvey to a Shen balancer. He referred him to a homeopathic doctor who sent him to Parkropractor.
Foreman, Naturally.
Annette," Well, the Parkropractor thought it might be food sensitivity and sent Harvey to a naturopath."
Harvey, The naturopath sent me back to the!
Foreman, Back to the acupuncturist.
Annette, Yes.
Foreman," Okay. Well, we'll need to see the records from all of those, uh, practitioners."
Harvey, Thanks. [Foreman leaves. Chase is looking in the room oddly.]
Foreman, Everything set for the angiogram?
Chase, Cameron's got the EMG first. Who's that?
Foreman, Harvey's guru.
Chase, That's what she called herself?
Foreman, That's what she acted like. [Foreman leaves. Annette looks out the window and sees Chase; Chase looks away.]
Ramona, Hi. I'm having vaginal pain.
House," Pleasure to meet you. [Vicodin goes ""pop""ù!]"
Ramona, My OB/GYN died recently. He's a nice Man. Warm hands.
House," [sitting and putting on rubber gloves] Not anymore. So, does it hurt when you tinkle?"
Ramona," Yeah, it's when it's worse. [House performs the exam.]"
House," You have some vaginal tearing. No sign of brusing, no indication of trauma, forced entry! Ramona. You naughty girl. You've either got yourself an 18-year-old boyfriend or an 80-year-old with some little blue pills."
Ramona, Myron thought he'd just try them out!
House, Lucky you.
Ramona, I guess.
House, Prefer it if Myron was a little droopier?
Ramona," Maybe a little. We used to hold hands, read together, or watch Jeopardy! I haven't seen Jeopardy! in almost a month!"
House, [going for the big question] Have you talked to him about this?
Ramona," You try talking a 73-year-old out of sex. With all these male enhancements the pressure to put out's incredible. It's worse than high school. He doesn't get what he wants from me, he'll get it from Connie in the corner condo. She's dying her hair red! Major league slut. [House and the nurse share a look.]"
House, Here's a prescription for vaginal estrogen suppositories. It'll help with the lubrication.
Ramona," Thank you. Maybe you could give Myron a prescription. Something weaker than he's got now? Tell him it's better for his heart ""ì he'd buy that."
House," You can't tell him the truth, so you want me to lie to him?"
Ramona, Would you?
House, Close your legs. [He leaves.]
Cameron," Nerves stimulate muscles to move by creating a small electrical current. The maParkne will measure that. And I will insert this needle into various muscles and ask you to flex. Sometimes it can be painful. Let me know, and I can pull back ""ì"
Harvey," No. I mean, it's okay."
Cameron," Okay. Put your arm out to the side. [Harvey extends his right arm, and Cameron sticks the needle into his upper arm. Harvey sighs, and the arm begins to twitch.] You all right?"
Harvey, I'm good. You don't have to stop.
Cameron, Raise your arm up over your head. [She takes the needle out of his upper arm and moves it to his forearm. Harvey almost smiles.]
Cameron, The EMG was clean.
House," Well, based on this history it's either toxic herbs from the homeopath, spinal damage from the Parkropractor, infection from the needle that the acupuncturist accidentally let sit in eye of newt, or the Shen balancer. What the hell is a ""shen""ù and how come it's lopsided?"
Foreman, The only abnormal test result we found was on the echo report. Mitral valve prolapse.
House," Hang up a shingle and condemn the narrowness and greed of Western medicine, you'd make a damn fine living."
Foreman," Clot's formed on a faulty valve, gets sent to the brain, voila! Stroke."
House," Of course, no harm, no foul. It's just taking a few bucks from superstitious idiots, right?"
Chase, Could also be an aneurysm due to trauma.
Foreman," Trauma? From what, the Parkropractic treatments? It's bacterial endocarditis, an infected valve. We should do blood cultures."
House, Except the six months that he had with these charlatans might have been spent going to someone who looks at things that exist in the real world. But that's just me being all narrow again.
Chase, I noticed a small bruit when I listened to Harvey's left carotid. You could hear that if you had an aneurysm from trauma.
Cameron, Aneurysm would have shown on the angiogram.
Chase," No, not necessarily."
House," Hmm. Quite a dilemma. [House picks up a magic 8-ball.] Oh, great pool hall oracle, grant me guidance. [He shakes it.] Do we go with Foreman's theory, which is at least marginally supported by medical test results, or Chase's theory, which is completely unsupported by medical evidence. What to do!"
Chase, The guy obviously broke his jaw somehow. Who knows what other trauma he's suffered? We should do the angiogram again.
House," And all signs point to! [He looks at the 8-ball.] Sorry, Chase. The gods have spoken. Start Harvey on blood thinners and antibiotics."
Chase," Wow. Yeah, I get it. House is adorable. I just want to hold him and nEver let go. [They open Harvey's door to find Annette strangling him. (And yes, the blinds were shut so they couldn't see walking up.)]"
Cameron," Oh, my God! What the hell are you doing? [Foreman and Cameron pull Annette away.]"
Foreman, You're choking him!
Chase," Foreman, stop. Let her go."
Foreman, [holding Annette] She was trying to kill him!
Harvey," No. No, she wasn't."
Cameron, His vitals seem okay.
Harvey, Please. Please don't hurt her. [Annette gets away from Foreman.]
Foreman, What the hell is going on in here?
Chase," She's! she's a dominatrix. [Foreman's eyebrows almost lift off his head.] Right, Annette?"
Lawyer, The Patient asked you to strangle him?
Annette, Harvey is an asphyxiaphyliac. He likes to be strangled or smothered.
Lawyer, That's just sick.
House," Well, that's an intriguing legal opinion. Geez, what kind of a Lawyer is he?"
Lawyer, You want a legal opinion? Call the cops.
Annette," I was careful. I watched the monitors, made sure his O2 stats were over 90. I would nEver hurt him."
House, Then what was the point?
Annette, Harvey was upset. He needed to calm down. To feel in control by being controlled.
Cuddy, Eh.. um! He pays you for this?
Annette," [nodding and smiling] In return, he does my taxes and cleans my House. [House gets up to leave.]"
Cuddy," We're not done here, we have to talk!"
House," Call the cops, bar her from the hospital, force her to pierce your nipples! not really medical decisions."
Chase," It was a long time ago. I was seeing this Woman. A banker, and turns out she liked to be burned."
Cameron, You actually dated someone who likes to get burned? [Chase nods.]
Foreman," Yeah, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that's so obviously only going to lead to pain?"
Cameron, Shut up.
Chase," It was a weird scene. I observed ""ì [House enters.]"
House, Chase. Did you know about this Woman? What she does?
Chase," I met her at some parties, yeah."
House," I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it. [Chase kind of laughs at that.] Well, here's a phrase to remember: ""Hey, this guy might have been pounded on the head one too Many times!""ù"
Chase, I said I thought it was a trauma induced aneurysm.
House," Yeah, could have carried a tad more weight if you'd mentioned the ""liking pain""ù thing. You're on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather stethoscope this Christmas."
Chase," I'm not into ""ì"
House, I assume you nEver started him on antibiotics or blood thinners before Mistress Ilsa's rude interruption.
Cameron, It was pRobably a good thing.
House, Start him on antibiotics and blood thinners. [House watches as an older gentleMan walks into his office. He watches the Man throughout the rest of this scene.]
Cameron, You still think Chase is wrong?
House," No, he's pRobably right."
Chase," Then we should schedule him for vascular surgery. Go into the carotids, find the aneurysm, repair it."
Cameron," If we put him on blood thinners, he might bleed out."
House," But if Foreman's right about it being bacterial endocarditis, and we ""ì [Foreman raises his hand.]"
Foreman, I think Chase is right.
House," Okay, if Foreman used to be right about it being blood clots, and we take the surgery route, then we'll pRobably kill the guy. So, start him on blood thinners, and if he has another stroke, then we'll schedule the surgery. [He opens the door to his office.] Yeah?"
Myron, You Dr. House?
House," I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but yes."
Myron," Ramona said I should come to you for my refill. [He holds up a pill bottle.] Uh, with, for the beginning to droop? [He demonstrates with his finger. House takes the bottle.] She said you'd pRobably want to talk to me first."
House, She lied. [He hands Myron a script.] Here you go.
Myron, Thanks.
House, Always happy to make people happy. Goodbye.
Myron," I ""ì I don't know how much more of this I can take."
House, How much more of what?
Myron, [whispers] Sex.
House, You don't want more sex?
Myron, My golf swing is all messed up.
House," Hey, here's a radical thought. Talk to her."
Myron, The truth?
House, Sounds crazy when you put it like that.
Myron," Oh, Ramona's got a big appetite. If I don't perform, I don't want to lose her. [He sighs.] You got a pharmacy around here?"
House, In the hospital? Could be. Let's see if we can find it.
House, Got any blue pills?
Pharmacist, [raising his eyebrows] You looking for ED medication?
House," Well, that's one example of a blue pill. Name six others."
Pharmacist, There's a brand of acetaminophen out!
House, Perfect. Fill her up. [House nods to Myron. Cuddy walks up.]
Cuddy, Dr. House.
House, Little busy here.
Cuddy, I heard about Dr. Cameron's conditions for coming back to work.
House, It's purely business. I'll make sure you get the recipt.
Cuddy," Well, I think it's a good thing. What happened in your last relationship, it's no reason to wall yourself from people forEver. 5 years of self-pity is pRobably enough."
House," Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you."
Cuddy," Well ""ì"
House," Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about. [Cuddy smiles.]"
Cuddy, Bear in mind Cameron's pRobably the only female that can tolerate you. Wear the sky-blue shirt. It almost makes you look nice.
Harvey, They said she couldn't come back into the hospital. They won't let me see her.
Chase," Harvey, you're lucky she wasn't arrested. What were you thinking, doing that at a hospital? [He holds out his hands.] Squeeze my fingers?"
Harvey, [doing so] I was scared.
Chase, I need you to squeeze with both hands.
Harvey, I am.
Chase, Weakness in his right arm and hand. Harvey's having mini-strokes; the blood thinners aren't making a difference.
House," Stop the treatment. [to Foreman] Sorry, we tried your way, you could not have been wronger."
Foreman, I said Chase was pRobably right.
House," Oh yeah, we've all got perfect 20-20 hindsight. Get a hold of Main in vascular, see if his surgical dance card is free for tomorrow. [Chase and Foreman leave. Cameron clears her throat.]"
Cameron, About tomorrow night.
House, You couldn't keep your mouth shut.
Cameron, I didn't see any reason to. Where are we going? I want to make sure I dress appropriately.
House, That would be army boots and t-shirt. It's the county paintball tourney. First prize is fifty bucks; I'll split it with you if you hold your end up.
Cameron, I'm not sure if that was the deal.
House, Relax. I made a reservation at CafÈ Spiletto. Regarding wardRobe: are you too young to remember spandex?
Cameron, I'll figure something out.
Chase, The surgery will repair the damaged blood vessels in your neck and your strokes will stop.
Harvey, All this is because of the strangulation?
Chase, More like strangulations.
Harvey, My parents were right. I'm a loser. I don't know what to do. [starting to panic]
Chase," Harvey, calm down."
Harvey, I need to talk to Annette.
Chase," You can do this on your own. Surgery's the only ""ì"
Harvey," She hates me. I've been calling, I've been calling and she's not picking up."
Chase," Harvey, you don't need ""ì"
Harvey," [crying] I can't, I can't. [Chase is baffled. He looks around, and walks to the side of the bed and leans down.]"
Chase," [in a comManding-ish tone] Harvey, you will do what I say."
Harvey, I don't want surgery!
Chase, Sign the consent. Sign it!
Harvey, I can't do anything. No surgery! No surgery! No surgery! [He pushes the form away.]
Cameron," We could give him anti-depressants, see if he changes his mind."
Chase," I already did. Mashed them up in his applesauce, it'll lighten him up soon enough."
House, Someone should just tell him to do it. Way faster.
Cameron, Except that's forgery. Also illegal.
Chase, And I already tried.
House, Not you. Where's a good dominatrix when you need one?
Chase, Annette's barred from the hospital.
House," If you get caught, Cuddy's got a hairbrush. And beliEve me, she knows how to use it."
Harvey, They let you come back.
Annette," Not because you deserve it. You've been bad. You will have the surgery, do you understand? [Harvey just smiles.] Do not laugh at me. You will respect ""ì"
Harvey," Where do you get off telling me what to do? Get out of my way, you back-faced witch."
Foreman," [quietly, to Chase] Is that part of their deal, or!"
Annette, This isn't like him. [Harvey starts groaning.] Something's wrong.
Harvey," Get out! [He starts to push Annette.] Get out! [Chase and Foreman move to hold him down.] Get out, get out! [Harvey knocks over the tray with dishes on it before Chase and Foreman get his arms."
Foreman," Emotional swings, he's having another stroke. Harvey! [The monitors beep and Harvey's eyes roll up.]"
Chase, He's crashing. Can we get a cart in here?
Lawyer," So, what's that, two strokes you've scared this guy into?"
House, Yeah. It's making me question my view of myself as a people person.
Lawyer, Now you want to do surgery on him without his consent.
Cuddy," The kid's in a coma, he needs the surgery!"
Lawyer, He said no. We can't do it.
House," Emergent situation, invoke heroic measures."
Lawyer, You need a court order.
House," Great, where do I get me one of them? Do I need to Lawyer up?"
Lawyer, I'll need to show the Judge an affidavit from next of kin.
House," Well, they might have a pRoblem signing anything seeing as how they're dead."
Lawyer, He'll want proof.
House," Like what, dad's hand? I don't Even know where they're buried."
Lawyer, Bring me a published obit or a death certifiCate and we'll run with it. I don't want you to mess up your clothes.
Cameron," His parents were accountants, maybe there's an obit in the trade papers."
Chase," They guy lives in Market Town. I don't know if he grew there, but we could check the local funeral home."
House," Great, and when your searches turn up nothing you should try to find out where they live."
Foreman, He said they were dead.
House," Accountants, they're usually pretty good with money, so how come he lives in a slum like Market Town?"
Cameron, Maybe they were bad accountants.
House, Two bad accountants from the Pacific Rim? The odds are astronomical.
Foreman, Maybe Harvey burned through their money.
Chase, Or maybe they cut him off when they found out about his proclivities.
House," That'd be my bet. Go to his apartments. See if you can find his folks. Address, number, something. [House walks into his office. Foreman follows him.]"
Foreman," Hey, can I talk to you?"
House, Sure.
Foreman," Look, Cameron's a friend. This whole dating thing ""ì"
House, [turns on the TV] Time's up. Thanks for playing.
Foreman," Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently."
House," Way ahead of you. I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD, we are gonna get all the way down. Now move. [Foreman sits on the TV, which was not what House had in mind.]"
Foreman," Come on, you're not into her. Most guys who aren't interested in a Woman try to sugarcoat it, be nice."
House," Oh, you know me too well."
Foreman, That's what I'm saying. I think you should go with your instincts here. Be a jerk.
House, I'm missing my soap for this?
Foreman," Women love to be right. You've got to leave them feeling superior. Like they've dodged a bullet. If you're nice, she'll blame herself ""ì"
House, And fall for me Even more. The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. 'Cause you're convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any Woman to handle.
Foreman," [laughing] Yeah, I'm the one with the serious ego pRoblem here. I'm just saying: some relationships aren't meant to happen. [Foreman leaves.]"
Cameron, Harvey's school registration.
Chase, [going through a closet] PerManent home address? Emergency contacts?
Cameron, Annette Raines.
Chase, [finding collars and a slew of tic-tacs in the closet] Mistress Annette. You have to extort a date out of House. You think that's a bad sign? Cameron?
Cameron," High school yearbook. [She raises her eyebrow, seeing Chase with all the collars.] Think this might give us a clue, Sherlock? [Chase takes a couple packs of tic-tacs, because he is all of a sudden concerned about his breath.]"
Chase," House isn't going to hand you anything. You want him, you've gotta take him. Jump him."
Foreman, Harvey. H-a-r-v-e-y.
Cameron, I'm sorry to have bothered you. Thank you. Okay. [She hangs up her phone.]
Chase," Yes, Harvey Park. [pause] Great, we've been looking for you! I'm calling from the Princeton-Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital. Harvey's here, and it's rather! He hung up."
Foreman, You tell him why you were calling?
Chase, I didn't get a chance.
Foreman, Call back.
House," I'll do it. [He flicks a yo-yo in Chase's face.] Let the master show you how it's done. [Chase takes a few tic-tacs as House dials.] Mr. Park? This is Dr. House calling from Princeton-Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital in New Jersey. Your son Harvey is dead. We need you to identify the body. Yes, I'm sorry, it's the law. [Cameron is shocked, Chase rolls his eyes, and Foreman is grinning. House hangs up and takes the mint box from Chase.] There's a real art to delivering bad news."
Cameron, They're gonna show up at the morgue.
House, Be sure to let me know when Cuddy starts screaming. [Chase takes the second mint box from his pocket and eats a few more.]
Cuddy, You lied to them!
 Park, He told us our son was dead.
House," It's only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he'll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush hour traffic."
 Park, I'm calling our Lawyer.
House, Fine. Just as soon as you sign this surgery consent. I have a pen. [Mrs. Park takes out her cell phone and dials.]
 Park," [on the phone] Marilyn Park for Mark Lerner. Yes, I'll hold."
Cuddy, Harvey's your son. I'm sure you still care about him.
 Park, He humiliated us. Everybody we know knows about his perversion.
House, But you don't get off on embarrassment the way your son does. I guess it skips a generation.
Lawyer," How much money would it take to compensate you ""ì"
House," Yeah, you guys can haggle in a minute. But here's the thing. Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son's a perv, that's pretty high up there. People finding out that you'd rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where's that rank? And trust me, if I have to paste up a sign in Every nail salon and dumpling shop in Pennsylvania, I'll make sure they know. [He offers them a pen. Mrs. Park turns off her phone and signs the paper.] Your son will be in surgery first thing in the morning. Dumplings, that was a cheap shot. [He leaves.]"
Wilson," Hi. Are you, uh, can we talk?"
Cameron," Gee, I wonder what this is going to be about."
Wilson, I just want to make sure no one gets hurt.
Cameron, I will be fine. Everybody's acting like I'm going out with Jack the Ripper.
Wilson," Oh, it's not you I'm worried about. [Cameron stares at him.] It's been a long time since he opened up to someone, and I! you better be absolutely sure you want this because if he opens up again and gets hurt, I don't think there's going to be a next time."
Cameron, You're worried I'm going to break his heart?
Wilson, The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.
House," This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring."
Wilson," Open doors for her, help her with her chair ""ì"
House, I have been on a date.
Wilson," Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A. Her dreams, hopes and aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some."
House, Did your wife give them to you?
Wilson," Drug rep. They've got antibiotics built in, somehow."
House, I should cancel. I've got a Patient in surgery tomorrow. [House moves to the kitchen.]
Wilson," And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That's a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer, too."
House, [looking in the fridge] No beer.
Wilson, You're gonna eat before dinner? [House reaches into the fridge and takes out a corsage. Wilson gets up to investigate.]
House," This is pretty lame, right? [Wilson smiles.]"
Wilson, I think she likes lame.
Cameron, [putting on the corsage] It's beautiful. And you look very handsome.
House, Thank you.
Cameron, I've always loved this restaurant.
House, Yeah. It's changed a lot since the last time I was here. It used to be a strip joint. [Cameron laughs.] Nice earrings.
Cameron, My mom's. Thank you.
House, Nice shoes. Comfortable?
Cameron, I'm not expecting you to be someone you're not.
House," We're in a restaurant, we're dressed up, we're eating. If not small talk, what is there? [Awkward pause of doom.]"
Cameron," [setting down the wine list] According to Freud, and I'm paraphrasing, instinct of love toward an object deMands a mastery to obtain it, and if a person feels they can't control the object or feel threatened by it, they act negatively toward it. Like an eighth-grade boy punParkng a girl."
House," I treat you like garbage, so I must really like you. Given your Freudian theory, what does it mean if I start being nice to you?"
Cameron, That you're getting in touch with your feelings.
House, Hmm. So there's absolutely nothing I can do to make you think that I don't like you.
Cameron," Sorry, no. I have one Evening with you, one chance, and I don't want to waste it talking about what wines you like or what movies you hate. I want to know how you feel about me."
House," You live under the delusion that you can fix Everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a Man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great looking, I'm not charming, I'm not Even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged. [He picks up his menu, leaving Cameron to think.]"
Foreman, Came in late. Had a good time last night?
Cameron, How's the surgery going?
Chase, Harvey's doing fine so far. How'd the night go?
Cameron," It was fine, how was your Evening?"
House," She had the ravioli, I had the puttanesca."
Wilson," Yes, I really want to know about the quality of the food. Either something very good happened, or something very bad. Which is it?"
House," Well, I did have a little indigestion afterwards. Maybe it was the garlic bread."
Cameron, Or the wine. Something made my eyes puffy.
Foreman, Yeah. Crying in your pillow can do that.
Cameron," It was the wine. We had a nice, candid conversation."
House," Nothing deep, mostly small talk."
Wilson, I'm sure.
House," Took your advice, complimented her shoes, that's fifteen minutes of chat right there."
Foreman, No snide comments?
Cameron," I guess, when we talked about you guys."
Wilson, Just answer one question:
Foreman, You two going to do dinner again?
House, I don't think so.
Cameron, I don't know.
Surgeon," [calling from the OR floor] Hey kids, you were wrong. No aneurysm, no nothing. This guy's clean."
Chase, Which means we've got no idea what's causing the strokes.
Foreman, He's had two more post-op. We won't know the extent of the damage until he comes out of the coma. If he comes out.
Cameron," Maybe we should go back to the blood thinners, up the dosage."
House," If it's not clots, a loading dose of blood thinners is gonna make him bleed out of his ears. Then he won't be able to hear. [Myron and Ramona tap on the glass of Diagnostics.] Oy ve. [yelling] Nobody home, leave a message!"
Myron, This is important!
House," Chase, Cameron, get another angiogram and echo. Better get a full-body scan. If it is clots, it'd be good to know where they are. [They all file out of the office; House goes to talk to Myron and Ramona.] Sorry about that. Guy dying."
Ramona," Those pills you gave Myron, they're not working."
House," Well, glad to see you've got the correct perspective on the thing."
Myron," Well, the old ones, you know, made me feel like a tree!"
House, Nice visual.
Myron," The new ones, well, might as well be eating candy."
House, Candy wouldn't take away your headaches.
Ramona, What?
House, You came to me and told me that you were having too much sex.
Ramona, I nEver did!
House," You too, Sequoia."
Myron," Well no, that's not true, I!"
House," I know that Everybody lies, but you'd think that after a certain amount of time together you wouldn't be trying so hard. [Myron fidgets with his wedding ring.] Your rings don't match."
Ramona," What, well, why would they?"
House," Well, style is one thing, but one silver, one gold? How long have you guys been married?"
Ramona, 49 years.
Myron, [simultaneously] 55 years.
House," Damn it, you're having an affair."
Ramona, Did you really say you wanted to have less sex.
Myron," Well, less. If I wanted none I'd stay home with Esther."
Ramona, I just need a little rest.
House," You guys aren't the victim of the little blue pill, you're the pRoblem!"
Myron, I'm sorry.
Ramona," Me, too. I should just have told you how I felt."
House," Aw. [Myron takes out a breath spray and sprays his mouth.] Oh, welcome to hell. [House closes his eyes as Myron and Ramona kiss in front of him. And it hits him. He takes the tic-tacs he took from Chase out of his pocket and starts to walk off.]"
Myron," Hey, how 'bout the pills?"
House, Looks like you guys are good to go drug-free for a while.
House," Dr. Chase, these breath mints you've been popping since yesterday. Are they a new fetish?"
Chase," Oh, I got them at Harvey's. What, I just took two boxes; the guy's got a whole drawer of them!"
House, And you didn't find that interesting.
Chase," Well, there's lots of interesting stuff at his place. The mints weren't high up on the list."
House, Wrong.
House," Chase, get your nose in here."
Chase," If you're trying to humiliate me, I told you ""ì"
House," Come on, just put your face in his mouth. [Chase does so, and then recoils.]"
Chase, Ugh.
House," Rich, wouldn't you say?"
Chase, Uh. Smells like old vomit.
House, Number one sign of fulminating osteomylitis.
Cameron, Infection of the jaw?
House," PRobably from the original break. NEver healed properly. [CGI demonstrates.] Infected tissue from the jaw breaks off, blocks blood flow to the brain, and life just isn't worth living without blood."
Foreman, It was hidden from the scans by the metal plate.
Chase, And an infection of the jaw isn't likely to show up on blood tests.
Cameron, So how do we confirm?
House," Like this. [He sticks a syringe in Harvey's jaw, pulling out pus from the infection.] Ladies and gentlemen, we have pus. [He hands the syringe to Chase, and takes the tic-tacs from him, eating a few.] We're gonna remove the jaw. Anybody got a buzzsaw? Okay, call a surgeon."
House," Hi, I'm Dr. House. [to the nurse] How's tricks, Annette? [The nurse turns, and it is indeed Annette in nurse's scrubs.]"
Annette, I just wanted to see if he was okay. I'll leave.
House," No, it's okay. I came to talk to you both. Like I tell all my Patients, you've simply got to say ""no""ù to strangulation. Me, I'm a freak, I get off on not being in pain. That, and chocolate-covered marshmallow bunnies."
Annette, He's not a freak.
House," Yeah, he is. A little. But it's got to stop. Or he'll die."
Annette," It's not about pain. It's about being open, being completely vulnerable to another person. If you can learn to be that deeply trusting! it changes you."
House," Well, lock him in a cage. That should be fine, medically."
Harvey, Dr. House. Were my parents here? Did they come to see me? [House just leaves.]
Cuddy, Dr. Riley is throwing up; he obviously can't lecture
House," You witnessed the spew, or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. I may have to go home for a few days."
Cuddy, [laughing] Dr. Riley doesn't have a history of lying to me.
House, You said this is the fifth time he's missed a class this year! Either he's dying or he's lying.
Cuddy, I'll give you two hours off clinic duty.
House," Fine, I'll have Cameron do it. She loves inspiring the inspired. [He starts to walk off."
Cuddy, You'll do it.
House, [turning back] Why is it always me?
Cuddy, Because the world hates you. Or because it's a class on diagnostics. Pick whatEver reason feeds your narcissism better.
House," I'm not doing it. [He leaves, stops at the door, and walks back in.] You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate."
Cuddy," Hmm, and you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again."
House, I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.
Cuddy, Two. I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to Patients. Class starts in twenty minutes. [House leaves into the lobby of the clinic.]
Brenda," Dr. House, there's a Patient."
House," I'm outta here, take it up with Cuddy."
A voice," Gregg. [House turns at the clinic doors to see! the infamous Stacy, waiting with a bunch of papers and x-ray films. She walks up to him; House looks! well, it's hard to describe. Run over by a bus sounds good.]"
House," Hi, Stacy."
Stacy, How're you doing?
House," How am I doing? Well, the last five years have been like! you Ever see those ""Girls Gone Wild""ù videos?"
Stacy," Your life's been like that, or your life's been spent watParkng them? [They both kind of smile.] I have missed you."
House, Is that why you're here? [Stacy shakes her head.]
Stacy, I need your help. [She hands him the films; he limps over to the clinic desk to take a look.]
House, Who am I looking at?
Stacy, My husband.
House," Who is suffering abdominal pain and fainting spells. No sign of tumors, no vasculitis. Could be indigestion, or maybe a kidney stone. A little one, can pack a lot of wallop."
Stacy, Did you think I wasn't going to get married?
House," Not to someone so poorly endowed. This guy's pancreas is pathetic. [He walks off, Stacy follows.]"
Stacy," There is no kidney stone, no indigestion. Three hospitals, five doctors, not one of them found anything."
House," Well, maybe there's nothing to be found."
Stacy," Right, you suddenly trust doctors, love puppies and long walks in the rain."
House, The walks are out. [Stacy grabs his arm.]
Stacy," I was around you long enough to know when something's not right. Mark's had personality changes, he's acting strange, disconnected!"
House, Interesting. It means there's either a neurological component or he's having an affair.
Stacy," No affair, no nothing! He's sick! I know you're not too busy; you avoid work like the plague. Unless it actually is the plague. I'm asking you a favor."
House," I'm not too busy, but I'm not sure I want him to live. It's good seeing you again. [He leaves, and Stacy is holding back tears.]"
House," Three guys walk into a clinic. Their legs hurt. What's wrong with them? [A student ""ì let's call him Keen Student ""ì raises his hand.] I'm not going to like you, am I?"
Keen, Most likely cause of leg pain is muscle strain. Apply heat and rest affected areas.
House," Statistically, you're right. Very good. My experience: over half of leg pain is musculoskeletal, generally from excessive exercise. Twelve percent is varicose veins brought on by pregnancy, and most of the rest is the result of vehicular accidents. I said three people. That's six legs. So, you've got three hurt jogging, two in collisions, and one of the legs is pregnant. [Some chuckles. Another student ""ì let's call her the Caring one ""ì pipes up.]"
Caring, What were they doing when pain presented?
House, I have no idea. [Enter the third student: the Rebellious one.]
Rebellious, You didn't ask? You didn't take a history?
House," Of course, but all that told us was what they said happened. Person A, farmer, says he was fixing a fence. [Cut to a visual of the farmer.] Tightness of the ankle, loss of muscle control. [The farmer groans and collapses.] Person B, volleyball practice. [Cut to a girls' volleyball team, where there is one middle-aged Man playing with them. He dives for the ball and falls on the ground, clutParkng his leg.] Coach figured it was a pulled muscle. And C, [cut to a mini-golf course] we've got Carmen Electra. Golfing. [Her ball makes it into the golden Buddha, and she goes, ""Yes!""ù]"
Keen," Whoa, you treated the Baywatch Parkck?"
House," The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the Patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged Man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer. [He stands.] Now, in less than two hours, one of these three will get tossed out of the hospital because they were faking it to score narcotics, and one will be very close to death. Any guesses on which is which? [Silence.] Okay, I say we start with the farmer."
House," Did you hike to the fence, and how far?"
Farmer," Yes, it's about half a mile from my farmHouse."
House, And where's the pain localized?
Farmer, It started just above my ankle and it's radiating up.
House," So, what should we do first? [He turns, and Keen Student is standing right next to him.]"
Keen, Family history?
House," Indicative of leg pain? That's a very short list. Any history of bone cancer, osteogenesis imperfecta or multiple myeloma? [The farmer shakes his head. Caring Student pops up.]"
Caring, Could be a blood issue. We should run a CBC and a D-dimer. [Enter Rebellious Student.]
Rebellious, And get an MRI.
Caring, MRI or a PET scan?
Rebellious," If the pRoblem's vascular, he's better off ""ì"
House," Bzzt! Sorry, thanks for playing. Patient's dead. You killed him. [The students look and sure enough, the farmer's dead on the table.]"
Keen, We had no time to run any tests; there was nothing we could do!
House," You had time to look at the leg. [They look down, and the leg (and the overalls, and the whole farmer garb) is now the property of one Carmen Electra. She takes the straw out of her mouth and smiles.]"
Caring, I thought we were starting with the farmer's case first.
House, We are. But if we're going to look at a leg!
House," I need you to take off your pants. [House stands in the corner with a smug look on his face as Carmen takes off the overalls. She gets back on the table, playing with her hair as she does so. House looks at the wound, and then looks out as he proclaims --] Puncture."
Caring, Snakebite.
House, That would be my guess.
Rebellious, Farmer didn't know he had been bit by a snake?
House," That's what he said. Sudden shooting pain, tall grass, nEver saw a thing."
Keen, What kind of snake?
House, You want me to tell you what kind of snake it was from the shape of the hole in the leg?
Keen, How are we supposed to know what kind of antivenin to use if we don't know what kind of snake it is?
House," Oh, there are people to find those things out."
Chase, Shouldn't we wait for the HuMane Society or something?
Foreman," The guy might only have a couple of hours. [They open the gate, but close it again as a dog comes up barking at them.]"
House," And while we wait for the HuMane Society to show up, what say we check up on the volleyball player?"
Cameron, You have tendonitis.
Caring," How old is this person? I mean, it's not really a 40-year-old Man on a girls' volleyball team, right?"
House, It's a leg. A leg is a leg is a leg.
Caring," Well, I was just worried that ""ì"
House, Would you worry about her more if she was younger?
Keen," Obviously we should care about our Patients no matter what age ""ì"
House," Yeah, right. I saw the way you were looking at Carmen. She's mine, stay away. [Chuckles from the class.] Would you operate on your mother?"
Caring, Of course not. I'd be too nervous; couldn't be objective.
House, Then why are you so anxious to treat Every Patient like they're family? The actual Patient is 16. Here's what happens when doctors care to much.
Cameron," I need to know Everything about you. [As the camera pans out, we see the player's entire family is in the room with them.]"
Cameron," I went back three generations: no history of cancer, Parkinson's, or any other degenerative condition. But there's this boy at school, and he's on the boys' volleyball team, and they made out at a party, and now he won't call her back, and this friend of hers at school said this boy didn't like her and nEver did."
House, You got all this from an examination of the knee?
Cameron, I think she's depressed.
House, She doesn't have tendonió
Cameron, She has tendonitis.
House, She's depressed about having tendonitis.
Cameron, She's depressed for the same reason she has tendonitis.
House, Not the boy.
Cameron," No, the boy's a jerk, she knows that, and yet she's depressed. I found a nodule."
House," Ah. PRoblems with the thyroid gland causes depressed mental state, can cause inflammation of the tendons."
Cameron, [nodding] I'll run the tests.
Caring," So, because she took such an extreme interest, she found out the person had a thyroid condition."
House," No, because she took such an interest she discovered a tiny nodule. Which, in reality, signified nothing, but gave us no choice but to put a person with tendonitis through an expensive and painful test."
House, Here's how a well-adjusted doctor handles a case.
Carmen, Can I put my pants back on now?
House, I'd rather you didn't. [Caring Student shows up.]
Caring, Which Carmen Electra is this?
House, First one. The golfer. [Enter Keen Student.]
Keen," Then why isn't she wearing pants? [House gives him a look. Like, duh!]"
House, [to Carmen] You have decreased reflexes in your patellar tendon. Anyone? [Rebellious Student has shown up.]
Rebellious, Slipped disc?
House, Could be. How bad does it hurt?
Carmen," [deadpan] It hurts really, really bad."
House, Yeah?
Caring, It doesn't seem real. Is she the one faking?
House," Oh, for God's sake. She's here to play out my fantasy, not because she's Meryl Streep. [Caring Student and Carmen both give him a look.] Fine. [Carmen disappears, and we see a Man in his late 30s, now known as Late 30s Man.]"
s Man, What the hell is wrong with me? [He's rocking and clutParkng his right thigh.] Do something! [He collapses on the table in pain.]
Caring, Too much pain to be a slipped disc. Could be herniated and impinging the nerve root. [The students have to almost yell to be heard over the Man's groaning/yelling.]
Keen, Or it could be referred pain from his groin.
House," Sir, are you getting pain anywhere else? [The last part is almost drowned out.]"
Keen, He's curling; it's not the back.
House," Sir, where are you getting pain?"
s Man, Help me!
House, Oooh.
Rebellious, He's not going to tell us anything if we don't get him out of pain. Give him 50mg of Demerol.
Caring," We have no history, he could be allergic."
House, [holding up the syringe] What do I do?
Rebellious, We can't diagnose him while he screams.
Caring," Better than killing him with pain killers, then ""ì [While she is speaking, the Man grabs the syringe from House and sticks it in his leg.]"
House," Apparently, he's not allergic."
s Man," Thank you, I feel a lot better now. [The syringe drops from his hand.]"
Caring, We screwed up.
House," No, you did exactly what his attending did."
Rebellious, And that was the proper way to handle the case?
House, Yeah.
Rebellious, The guy used him as a dealer!
House," You're going to see a lot of drug-seeking behavior in your practice, and there's a reason: it works. Meanwhile, back on the farm!"
Chase," [on his cell] Yeah, timber rattlesnake."
Cameron," Four vials of the CroFab antivenin. Hey, how you doing?"
Farmer, All right.
Cameron," [taking the vial from the nurse] Thank you. This will start making you feel better really fast. [She starts to push the antivenin; 5 seconds after she starts the farmer starts to choke.] He's having an allergic reaction, bag. [She starts to ventilate.] Paddles and epi."
Nurse, But his heart's fineó
Cameron, It's not going to stay that way. [The monitors start to beep.] Paddles!
House," What say we take five? Get some coffee, go pee. [He leaves.]"
Wilson, You didn't think she was going to get married?
House, She asked me the same question.
Wilson, And! what? You're not gonna treat him?
House, There's pRobably nothing wrong with him.
Wilson," Oh, sure, that makes sense. She's just using the old ""sick husband""ù routine as an excuse to get back in touch with you. You think this is easy for her? The only reason she'd be anywhere near you was if she was desperate."
House, So I should help her because she hates me.
Wilson," She doesn't hate you. She loves you, she just can't stand to be around you. [The keen student shows up.]"
Keen," Uh, Dr. House? It's been almost six minutes."
Keen, Found him.
House, The volleyball player was responding to the anti-inflammatories as you'd expect in a case of tendonitis.
Rebellious," Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the snakebite guy? I don't really care about the volleyball player."
House, What if I told you the volleyball player had a sudden massive stroke?
Rebellious, Really?
House," No. But that would make you interested, right? What if her T4 came back low? It's not quite as interesting, but it has the benefit of being true."
Rebellious, You said the thyroid biopsy was a wasted test.
House," No, I didn't. I said she put a person with tendonitis through an expensive and painful test. Apparently the Patient had tendonitis and a thyroid condition."
Cameron, We're going to start you on Thyroxin. It'll make you feel better and lEvel your moods.
Volleyball Player, Thank you. [She takes the pills.]
Rebellious," So, that's it?"
House," You were right the first time. Snakebite guy's way more interesting. Gross, actually."
Foreman," The Patient responded to epinephrine and the allergic reaction was arrested. Unfortunately, the Patient continues to deteriorate."
Chase, Maybe the snake wrangler was wrong about the type he caught.
Foreman, He faxed us the venom tests which confirmed it's a timber rattlesnake.
House," [looking at the tests] No, it's not. Notice the volume?"
Foreman, I skimmed over that and the gender and the coloring and skipped right to the name of the snake.
House, 200mg. Our guy got bit less than four hours ago. There's no way a snake regenerates that much venom that quickly.
Keen, We're supposed to know how fast snakes make their venom?
House, Nope. Unless you've got a Patient bit by one. Then it might be helpful. So what do we do now?
Caring, He must have been bitten by a different snake. We go back and find it.
House," Or you go online and find there's only three poisonous snakes common in New Jersey: the copperhead, the timber rattler, and the coral. The copperhead and the timber rattler both respond to the antivenins we gave the guy."
Caring, So we give him the antivenin for the other one.
House, Is that a question?
Keen," Well, we can't just blindly give him another antivenin. Especially after the first one almost killed him. You said only three types of poisonous snakes commonly found in New Jersey. But what if this is an uncommon one?"
House, Very good.
Keen, We've gotta find the right snake.
House," No need. Odds are, by the time you get back the autopsy results will tell you what kind of snake it was."
Keen," But you said ""ì"
Caring, So we do give him the antivenin for the other one.
House," Again, was that a question? I asked what you would do. It seems unfair for you to ask me what you would do. Who gives the guy the other antivenin? [Half of the class raises their hands.] And who goes looking for the snake?"
Rebellious, I assume that one choice kills him and one saves him.
House, That's usually the way it works at the leg turning black stage.
Caring, So half of us killed him and half of us saved his life.
House, Yeah.
Keen," But we can't be blamed for ""ì"
House," I'm sure this goes against Everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is ""ì maybe there's Even no way you could know what the right answer is ""ì doesn't make your answer right or Even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong."
House, [voiceovers] We gave the guy the antivenin.
Farmer, What if I'm allergic again?
Foreman," That's why these people are here. If you have a reaction, we're ready to do whatEver's necessary to ensure your airway stays open and your heart keeps beating."
Farmer," My wife's on her way in, can't this wait?"
Foreman," I'm sorry, it can't. [He begins to inject the serum, and nothing happens. House nods, and leaves the room to be confronted by the Late 30s Man."
s Man, It hurts again.
Caring, He came back?
House," [taking some Vicodin] On average, drug addicts are stupid."
Rebellious, I'd call the cops.
House, Good for you. A lot of doctors wouldn't risk their careers on a hunch.
Rebellious," It's not a hunch, I mean, I know he wants drugs."
House," I beliEve drug addicts get sick. Actually, for some reason they tend to get sick more often than non-drug addicts. Luckily, you don't have to play your hunch, there's a faster way. Actually, there are sEveral. My preference is urine testing."
Rebellious, But you already know he has drugs in his system.
House, That's not what I'm testing for.
House," We're going to put this hard, rubber tube up your urethra and into your bladder. It might be a little uncomfortable."
s Man, Shouldn't I be getting some kind of anesthetic? [He groans as the nurse does her job.]
House, We're concerned about allergic reactions today.
House," If the guy can handle a rod in his penis for half an hour, he's really sick."
Rebellious, Or he's really jonesing.
House," There's easier ways to get a hold of drugs. Other hospitals, for example. [He takes a mug out of the desk and sniffs it. He starts to walk off.] The volleyball player is not responding to treatment. [He leaves to go to the water fountain, and yells back -- ] At least we think it's not working on account of the fact she's getting worse. Can you still hear me?"
Rebellious, No.
Caring, A little.
Keen, Not really!
House," [filling the mug] Well, if you can't hear me, how do you know what I asked?"
Cameron, I'm sorry. What did I do?
Volleyball Player, I don't know. It really hurts!
Cameron," I promise to be very careful. [She gets ready to insert the needle, and the player flinches and yells as soon as the needle touches her skin.] Susan!"
House, Not her real name!
Cameron," Susan, I barely touched you! [She tries again, and the player screams.]"
Volleyball Player," Aaaah! No, it hurts so much!"
Cameron," I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I have to get this blood. Just hold on."
Cameron, Hypersensitivity to touch.
Chase, Her calcium up?
Cameron, Lab over 16.
House, The question is why. Likely suspects?
Chase, Parathyroid adenoma.
Cameron, Kidney pRoblems.
Foreman, Vit. D intoxification.
Chase, Hyperthyroid.
Foreman, Caused by our treatment?
Caring, Whoa whoa whoa. Can you please slow down? [House takes a sip of water from the mug and spits it out.]
House," [slowly] The adenoma is most likely. Check her PTH ""ì"
House," -- phosphorus, and ionized calcium, and do a technetium sestamibi. Okay, that's enough about the volleyball player. What's up with the farmer? [They all look at him.]"
Foreman, What farmer?
House," Snakebite guy. Oh, right, you guys don't know about him. He doesn't get bitten until three months after we treat the volleyball player. Luckily, it's been well established that time is not a fixed construct. [He walks over to the white board, which now has writing on it pertaining to the farmer.] His condition's not improving; double the dosage."
Foreman, Already did.
House," There's another antivenin, it's not as effective, but ""ì"
Chase, Already tried it.
House," The first stuff, the stuff he was allergic to ""ì"
Cameron, Gave it to him with high-dose steroids. Nothing's working.
House, [to the camera] What does it all mean?
Caring, Wrong snake?
House, We tried Every other antivenin we had.
Caring, We're too late?
House," Yep. He's dying. His wife's here, finally found a babysitter. Who wants to let him know? Actually, I'm kidding."
Caring, He's not dying?
House," Oh, yeah, he's dying, but there's no wife and kid. Which is great. Makes the ""breaking the news""ù thing way easier. Oh, yeah, one more piece of news."
House, The drug addict is peeing blood.
House, How do they teach you how to tell someone that they're dying? It's kind of like teaParkng arParktects how to explain why their building fell down. Do you roleplay and stuff?
Keen," Yeah, one of us gives the bad news and one of us gets the bad news."
House," And what do you have to do to get an A in You're Dying 101? They grade you on gentleness and supportiveness? Is there a scale for measuring compassion? This buddy of mine, I gotta give him ten bucks Every time somebody says ""Thank you.""ù Imagine that. This guy's so good, people thank him for telling them that they're dying. [He looks at his picture.] Eh, needs brown. I don't get thanked that often."
House, You're dying. In a few hours. There's nothing we can do except deal with the pain.
Farmer," Well, I need to go home."
House, You're not going home.
Farmer," Well, my dog? What will happen to my dog?"
Cameron, Her neck looks clean. No adenoma.
Rebellious," Wait, wait, wait. The guy's dying and all he cares about is his dog?"
House, Any of you guys go the dog route in your improv sessions? It's a basic truth of the huMan condition that Everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for.
House," Well, you must have a neighbor who ""ì"
Farmer, The neighbors don't like him.
House," Then the HuMane Society can take him in and ""ì"
Farmer," No, they won't. Maybe my aunt ""ì"
House," It wasn't a snakebite, was it?"
Farmer, I said I don't remember being bit.
House," Sure you do. Just not by a snake. I assume that Cujo bit one of your neighbors awhile back. You tell me that he bit you, and I gotta report it. Cujo's got a record, he gets the chair. The good news is, you might just live. The bad news is, your dog's gonna die."
Chase, The guy risked his life to save this thing?
Foreman," I'll hold him, you swab the mouth."
Chase," I think I've got a better grip here, you go for the mouth. [He holds out a fist.] All right, I'm odds."
Foreman," What, are you serious?"
Chase, Come on.
Foreman," One, two, three! [He puts out two fingers, while Chase puts out one.]"
Chase," I don't care if he's scratParkng your nads off, don't let go."
Foreman," Just do it! [Chase tries to swab the dogs mouth, but pulls back.]"
Chase, I say we let the guy die.
Foreman," I got his head, just do it!"
House," What would you call that? That's tea-colored, right? The guy who we thought was just after the drugs! what's the differential diagnosis for urine that's tea-colored?"
Caring, Kidney stone.
House, Kidney stones would cause what?
Caring, Blood in urine.
House, What color is your pee?
Caring, Yellow.
House, What color is your blood?
Caring, Red.
House, What colors did I use?
Caring," Red, yellow and brown."
House, And brown. What causes brown?
Caring, Wastes.
House, Which means the kidneys are shutting down. Why?
Caring, Trauma.
House, None that his history would indiCate.
Caring, Could be damage done by the self-injection of the Demerol.
House, Treatment?
Caring," Heat and rest ""ì"
House, Other possible causes.
Caring, Infection.
House," Start him on antibiotics. What else? [She pauses.] Come on, come on!"
Caring," I ""ì I don't know."
House," You're useless. But at least you know it. Blood tests show elevated creatine kinase, what does that tell you?"
Rebellious," The trauma diagnosis is right. He takes it easy for a few days, he'll be fine."
House, You sure?
Rebellious," The elevated CK rules out infection ""ì"
House, You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious. [He goes to the Keen student.] What are they missing?
Keen," You know, it's kind of hard to think when you're in our face like this ""ì"
House, Yeah? You think it's going to be easier when you've got a real Patient really dying? [to Everyone] What are you missing?]
Cameron, [from the doorway] Muscle death.
House, Not your case.
Cameron, Nothing wrong with a consult.
Caring, Dying muscle leaks myoglobin. It's toxic to the kidneys.
House," Brilliant. MRI his leg, see what's killing it."
Rebellious, Why is the girl getting the MRI?
House," Because the neck scan rEvealed nothing and her doctor's way more obsessive than she thinks she is. [Cameron, sitting in the back, tries not to act like that was directed at her.]"
Rebellious, But you said the guy needed the MRI.
House," Because Dr. Cameron back there said muscle death, not one of you said it! Not one of this guy's doctors said it. They gave him bed rest and antibiotics, just like you guys would have."
Caring, Did he get better?
House, No.
Caring," Well, how long ""ì"
House," Three days. It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach."
Caring, Three days before they thought it might have been muscle death?
House," No, three days before the Patient suggested it might have been muscle death."
Cameron," The MRI rEvealed an osteosarcoma: a cancerous tumor in your femur. It needs to be removed surgically. With chemo, she has an excellent chance of survival. But I have to warn you, depending on how large the tumor is, and how ingrained it is, the surgeon may need to amputate your leg. I'm sorry."
s Mother, It's okay.
Foreman," Well, dogs' mouths are pretty filthy, but they have natural antibodies to fight off most of the stuff. We don't. That's why dog bites can be so nasty. The lab test of your dog's saliva rEvealed a type of strep bacteria. It's commonly known as the ""flesh eating disease""ù. We'll need to operate immediately to remove the damaged tissue. We may need to remove the leg."
Cuddy, The MRI rEvealed a pRoblem.
s Man, No kidding.
Cuddy, I'm sorry none of your doctors found it earlier; I'm personally going to oversee your treatment from now on.
s Man," You're gonna cut me open, aren't ya?"
Cuddy, We may need to remove the leg.
House," His MRI showed that the leg pain wasn't caused by the self-injection, wasn't caused by an infection. It was an aneurysm that clotted, leading to an infarction."
Foreman," [sitting with Chase and Cameron in the back] God, you were right. It's House."
Cuddy," We have to do the surgery. The necrotic tissue has to be removed. If there's too much ""ì"
House, I don't care what you find.
Cuddy, It may become necessary in order to save your life.
House, I like my leg. I've had it for as long as I can remember.
Stacy," Honey, I love your leg as much as you do."
House, They're not cutting it off.
House, Patient made the right choice. Tell a surgeon it's okay to cut a leg off and he's going to spend the night polishing his good hacksaw.
Rebellious," Right, surgeons could care less about saving limbs."
House," Well, of course they care about their Patients. They just care about themselves more. Which is not an unreasonable position. Trying to maximize the tissue you save also maximizes the chances of something going wrong. Which means you've gotta be extra careful. Which is such a pain in the ass."
Cuddy, Amazing advances have been made. Kids with prosthetic legs are running the 100-meter dash in twelve seconds.
House," Yeah, they're just not as pretty. Do a bypass, restore the circulation."
Cuddy, Amputation is safer.
House," For you, or me?"
Cuddy," The blockage of blood flow ""ì"
House, Four-day blockage.
Cuddy," Yes. It caused muscle cell death. When those cells die, they release cytokines and potassium --"
House," If you restore the blood flow instead of just lopping it all off, then all that crap gets washed back into my system. The cytokines could cause organ failure, the potassium could cause cardiac arrest. On the other hand, I may just get the use of my leg back."
Cuddy," The post-operative pain alone ""ì"
House," I'll get through it. I understand the risks, you're in the clear. Go schedule an OR. [Cuddy leaves.]"
Stacy," God, you're an idiot."
House, I think I'm more of a jerk.
Stacy," I'm not being glib. And I'm not being cute, I don't want you to kill yourself."
House, I'm not gonna die.
Stacy," Oh, I feel completely reassured."
House, I think they gotta up that morphine.
Stacy, The doctors say they can't.
House, The doctors recommended bed rest and antibiotics.
Stacy," They screwed up, it doesn't mean they're wrong this time."
House, Sure doesn't mean they're right.
Stacy, Morphine will kill you.
House, I can handle it.
Stacy," You're in pain, you're not thinking right."
House, That's why I need the damn morphine!
Stacy," Okay, I'll talk to them. [She leaves.]"
Stacy," Oh my God, how much longer is the pain going to last?"
Cuddy," It depends on how much muscle cell death there was. He could be right, he could come out of this with almost full use of his leg."
Stacy, Or?
Cuddy," He could be in pain for the rest of his life. There's a third option, surgically. A middle ground between what we did and amputation."
Stacy, He's not big on middle ground.
Cuddy, Yeah.
House, Nurse? Nurse! I need more calcium gluconate.
Nurse, You just had 5 mLs.
House, The QRS is getting wider. My potassium is rising.
Nurse, I'll talk to your doctor.
House," Well, you better make it fast, 'cause I'm about to go into cardiac arrest. You give me the dose, or I go into wide complex tachycardia."
Nurse," I could get in trouble ""ì"
House," Listen, it's not a narcotic! I'm not looking for a buzz. You've got about twenty seconds. [His breathing quickens, and the monitors all go off.] I was wrong. [Nurses and doctors enter, including Cuddy.]"
Someone, What have you got?
Nurse, Wide complex tachycardia.
Cuddy," Who diagnosed ""ì"
Nurse, He did.
Cuddy, Paddles! Charge.
Nurse," Clear! [They shock him, and he flatlines.]"
House, The Patient was technically dead for over a minute.
Cuddy, He's back.
Wilson, [standing in the back] Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?
House," Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant! Personally, I choose to beliEve that the white light people sometimes see visions, this Patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down."
Foreman, You choose to beliEve that?
House," There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting."
Cameron, You find it more comforting to beliEve that this is it?
House, I find it more comforting to beliEve that this isn't simply a test.
Stacy, How bad is the pain right now?
House, It's bad.
Stacy," It's not getting any better. If you were right, the pain would be subsiding. You'd be getting better."
House, It's just taking longer.
Stacy," No, it's not. We've got to let him cut the leg off."
House, It's my leg. It's my life.
Stacy, Would you give up your leg to save my life?
House, Of course I would.
Stacy," Then why do you think your life is worth less than mine? If this were any other Patient, what would you tell them to do?"
House, I would say it's their choice.
Stacy," Wha ""ì not a chance! You'd browbeat them until they made the choice you knew was right. You'd shove it in their face that it's just a damn leg! You don't think you deserve to live? You don't think you deserve to be happy? Not let them cut off your leg? [They're both near tears.]"
House," I can't, I can't, I'm sorry."
Stacy, The pain alone is going to kill you.
House," I know, I know. I need you to talk to the doctor."
Cuddy, He change his mind?
Stacy, No. He's asked to be put in a chemically induced coma so he can sleep through the worst part of the pain.
Cuddy, We can do that.
Stacy, What happens after he's in the coma?
Cuddy," We'll obviously monitor his condition closely, and if he can get through the next forty-eight hours without another cardiac incident ""ì"
Stacy," I meant, I'm his health-care proxy, I get to make medical decisions for him if he's not able to."
Cuddy, You should talk to him about what he wants to do.
Stacy," I know what he wants, but if he's out it's my call, right? [Cuddy nods.]"
Cuddy, You'll be out in less than a minute.
House, Thank you. [to Stacy] Hey.
Stacy, Hey.
House, I'll see you when I wake up. We'll go golfing. I love you.
Stacy," I love you, too. I'm sorry."
House, [going under] You've got nothing to be sorry about. [Stacy gets up and walks over to Cuddy.]
Stacy, The middle ground you were talking about?
Cuddy," We go in, take out the dead muscle. There's still some risk of reperfusion injury, but ""ì"
Stacy, Give me the forms you need signed.
Cuddy, You're saving his life.
Stacy, He won't see it that way.
House," Because of the extent of the muscle removed, utility of the Patient's leg was sEverely compromised. Because of the time delay in making the diagnosis, Patient continues to experience chronic pain."
Caring, She had no right to do that.
Rebellious, She had the proxy.
Caring, She knew he didn't want the surgery.
Rebellious, She saved his life!
Keen," Well, we don't know that. Maybe he would have been fine ""ì"
Caring, It doesn't matter. It's the Patient's call.
Rebellious, The Patient's an idiot.
House, [half-laugh] They usually are. Do you have a buzzer or something. What time does this class end?
Cuddy, [at the doorway] Twenty minutes ago.
House," I'm not doing this again. [picking up the ""World's greatest dad""ù mug and walking toward Cuddy] And this guy is not the world's greatest dad. Not Even ranked. Who the hell lets their kids play with lead-based paint? That's why he's always sick. Find him some plastic cups and the class is all his again. [He leaves, leaving behind a full room of shellshocked students.]"
House," Stacy, it's Gregg. I've got an opening for ten tomorrow morning. Make sure your husband isn't late. [He hangs up, and enters his office.]"
House, I gotta go.
Stacy," No, no, he'll be here. I'm sure he's just running a little late."
House," He's cancelled two exams, he's not gonna ""ì"
Stacy, He's scared of you.
House," Sure. The ex-boy-toy. Eh, that makes sense."
Stacy, He wasn't scared before.
House," Right, you think being afraid of me is a symptom of a serious ailment."
Stacy," Sudden mood swings, infantile regression, abdominal pain, he's passed out twice, yeah! I think it might be a medical pRoblem."
House, He's twenty minutes late. I'm outta here.
Stacy, Please. [She puts her hand on his.] He'll be here.
House, Why? Because he loves you and does Everything he's told?
Stacy," Because I didn't tell him you'd be here. [She gives him a ""Ha!""ù kind of look. House fixes the necklace Stacy's wearing ""ì a silver crucifix.]"
House, He likes to see.
Stacy," Yes, he does. [And the husband walks up.]"
Mark, Stace? What's going on?
Stacy," Hey ""ì [about to make introductions, but --]"
House, Hi. I'm Gregg House. You must be Matt.
Stacy, Mark. [Mark extends a hand.]
Mark," Mark Warner. [They shake.] Don't get up. [He sits, whispered to Stacy as he kisses her on the cheek] Sorry, pair of conferences."
Stacy, It's okay.
Mark, Hi. Wow. Gregg House.
House, Yeah. Wow.
Mark," No, I haven't been avoiding you, I just didn't want to waste your time. The other doctors checked me out and they said it was just stress. College season, kids, parents, they're all over me."
House, Makes sense to me.
Stacy," Gregg ""ì"
House, What do you want me to do?
Stacy, You said you'd check him out!
House, He says he's healthy. What's to check out?
Mark," Sorry for the mix-up, but I'm glad you two got a chance to catch up. Looks like you're having fun."
House," Oh, he's good. If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything. I can't tell you how much I like your fella."
Mark," Yeah, me too. You know, I thought you'd be all sarcastic, bitter, you know, because Stacy married me. [He puts an arm around Stacy to emphasize the fact.]"
House," You know, we should do things together. Maybe throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff."
Mark, We could go for a run together.
House, Hah! He's Oscar Wilde!
Stacy," Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on. He needs to go to the hospital."
House," [raising his glass] Here's to women. You can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em until the neighbors are stripping in Atlantic City."
Mark, [raising his own glass] Damn straight. [They start to drink! and House finishes his glass first.]
House, I'm definitely taller.
Mark, I have more hair. And I think that! oh!
Stacy, Mark? [House gets up and guides Mark's head to the table as he passes out.]
Paramedic, [entering the restaurant with a gurney] Someone call 911 for a wagon to Princeton-Plainsboro?
House," Gar√ßon! [Translation corner: Gar√ßon means ""boy""ù in French, and is a not-too-nice way to address a waiter.] [He snaps his fingers to get their attention.] It's okay, ladies and gentlemen, nothing to worry about. Unless you had the veal."
Stacy, You dosed him!
House," I told you, I'd check him out. I was a little worried they were gonna get here before he'd passed out. Would have been tougher to get him to drink. I'll give you a ride. We can talk. [Stacy gives him a dirty look and walks out with the paramedics.]"
Cameron," Tummyache, cranky, no apparent source. Any thoughts? Foreman, you gonna contribute, or you too tired from stealing cars? [Foreman looks up from his bowl of cereal.] I'm being House. It's funny."
Foreman, I know. You made milk come out of my nose. [House enters.]
House, Morning. You guys got the file? What's wrong?
Cameron, Previous tests rEvealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.
House," Then we're done! What do you think, ball game, zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys."
Chase, What about drugs? His tox screen on admission showed a massive amount of chloral hydrate.
House," Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn't think he's sick."
Cameron, Who does?
House, His wife.
Cameron, The Woman you used to live with.
House, That's her Indian name. On her driver's license it's Stacy. I assume you have a point.
Cameron, You beliEve her over the Patient himself. That's why we're taking this case.
House," The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it's crazy, huh?"
Cameron," What happened to ""Everybody lies""ù?"
House," I was lying. Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. [heading to his office] Did I miss anything?"
Chase, Kitchen sink?
House," Well, we could certainly give that a ""ì oh, you minx."
Wilson," What you're thinking is, you're going to save him, be a hero, and win her back. It's always impressive, that lEvel of twisted narcissism."
House, She's married. Big clue I lost the game.
Wilson, You can't be within fifty feet of Stacy Warner.
House, I thought she wanted me to treat him.
Wilson, Treat the husband. Stay away from the wife.
House, But what if they get close to each other? What do I do then?
Wilson," Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case. [House gets into the elevator.] Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant."
House," Please, don't put me on a pedestal."
Cameron," We CTed your abdomen. Nothing that would explain the stomach pain. [Mark gives a ""You see?""ù look to Stacy, who sighs.]"
Stacy, What's the next move?
Mark, Leaving. How Many more tests do I need? How Many more doctors need to clear me before we can get back to our life?
Stacy, Just one.
Mark, House.
Cameron, It must be awkward being treated by a Man who used to be involved with your wife. [pause]
Mark," Well, it's awkward being in a hospital when there's nothing wrong with me."
Cameron," MRAs were clean, which means he's pRobably fine. He doesn't seem paranoid, he shows no signs of ""ì"
House," No, it means we have no idea what's wrong with him. [Foreman walks up.]"
Foreman, Ben Goldstein says the schedule's locked. He can't do it before tomorrow.
House," No, today. Call him. Tell him I'll make it work."
Cameron, [as Foreman walks off again] You're cutting him open?
House," [to Foreman] Whoa, hold it! There's no need for exploratory surgery, Dr. Cameron has a diagnosis."
Cameron," No, I just think it's premature and maybe irresponsible to do exploratory surgery before we know he's actually sick."
House," No, it's premature to put him on a list for hospice care. [Chase and Foreman both roll their eyes.] And it's maybe irresponsible to imply my actions are not rationally supported."
Cameron," All we have is his wife ""ì"
House, Who says that his stomach hurts. Works for me.
Cameron," The Patient doesn't Even think he's sick. Why would he consent ""ì"
House," His wife's a Lawyer. She's very convincing. Call Goldstein, surgery's on. [House walks off, then Chase and Foreman, leaving Cameron standing in the hall with her mouth hanging open.]"
Stacy," Leslie vs. Leslie seems to be right in point, but I'm sure they're going to try to distinguish it by ""ì [she pauses as something is said over the overhead speaker] ""ì sorry, they'll try to distinguish it by relying on the minority opinion. [A paper coffee cup is thrust under her nose, held by one Dr. House.]"
House," Double milk, no sugar."
Stacy, I like sugar now. [House sits next to Stacy. They both look bored and somewhat anxious. House keeps tapping his cane on the floor.] Some people would be annoyed by that. [House taps on the floor a few more times.]
House, You know why people sit in waiting rooms?
Stacy, This is gonna be good.
House," People think the closer they're sitting to the operating room, the more they care."
Stacy, That's why I'm here. I'm not moving until Everybody sees me.
House, Are you doing anybody besides Mark? [She looks at him.] It's a medical question.
Stacy," Because if I am his paranoia isn't paranoia, it's a justified response? Therefore, not a legitimate symptom?"
House, Knew you'd understand.
Stacy," On the other hand, if it was really just a medical question you would have sent one of your people. Why just push my buttons when you can push theirs, too? 'Hey, Dr. Mandingo, ask the wife if she's been messing around.' You were asking because, if I am unfaithful, I might sleep with you. The answer's 'no, I don't sleep around'. Make sure you note that in his file. [Foreman enters the scene.]"
Foreman," Mrs. Warner. The surgery went well; he's in recovery, you can see him now. [She leaves; House stands. Quietly to House --] Goldstein found nothing but a distended bladder."
House, Neurogenic bladder isn't causing the pain.
Foreman," Also doesn't cause personality changes. On the other hand, it would completely account for Cameron's diagnosis ""ì the Patient's completely healthy."
House, Give me the video for the surgery.
House," Dr. Mandingo, you're needed at the plantation House."
House," Well, don't Everybody talk at once. [He pops a couple of Vicodin.]"
Cameron, There's nothing there. [House follows Cameron's eyes to what she's really looking at: a æ empty bottle of whisky.]
House," Stop looking at the suspiciously empty bottle and look at the screen. Here's why I get the big bucks. This is nothing. An enhanced version of nothing. [He plays the tape a bit, then stops it.] This is the pRoblem."
Foreman, Unbelievable.
Chase, Tremors in the muscle fiber.
Cameron, That's not peristalsis. That's abdominal epilepsy.
Foreman, Means there's some sort of neurological pRoblem.
House," A time bomb in his brain. I forget, who said it was nothing?"
Foreman, Saw a very small diffuse abnormality in the brain waves. PRobably white matter. Means his axonal nerves are dying. Explains the neurogenic bladder.
House," Enough nerves die, he dies."
Foreman, Global axonal nerve death. Likely causes are encephalitis or Alzheimer's. [He starts to write on the white board.]
Cameron, Early onset Alzheimer's. The worst.
House, He won't die right away. He'll just want to.
Cameron, We'll check his blood for Alzheimer's protein markers.
House, Last I heard Alzheimer's had a genetic component. Patient have parents?
Cameron, [checks the history] Parents died in a car crash. No history of dementia.
House," Send CSF or CBC and viral serologies to rule out encephalitis, and get Tal proteins to check for Alzheimer's. And this [wielding the history] still feels a little light."
Cameron, I took a complete medical history.
House, [to Foreman] Check out their House. Take SParky with you.
Chase," They live in Short Hills, two hours away."
House, You can expense the tolls.
Cameron, You're not interested in the medical history. You're a Peeping Tom trying to spy on your ex.
House," [to Foreman and Chase as they leave] Her secret diary: that's the main thing. But as long as you're there, take a peek in the medicine cabinet. Check for toxins, heavy metals! anything that would explain this other than encephalitis or Alzheimer's. [The men leave.] And get receipts for the tolls! [Cameron storms out, as well.]"
Stacy, Making lunch? I assume that's for Mark.
Cameron," You know about his parents. What about further back? Grandparents, uncles, aunts, how's their health? [Stacy rolls her eyes.]"
Stacy, Gregg hates fishing. He's got a theory.
Cameron, Mostly likely candidate right now is Alzheimer's. [Stacy thinks about that.]
Stacy," No. There's been no memory loss. I mean, he forgets where he left his keys, but who doesn't?"
Cameron, Any family history?
Stacy," Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That's about it. [Cameron smiles, then takes off her glasses.]"
Cameron, You were with House? When it happened? To his leg?
Stacy, You're interested in him.
Cameron, We went on one date. It didn't go very well.
Stacy," Our first date didn't, either. I was nEver going to see him again. Week later I moved in. 5 years. What would you like to know?"
Cameron, What was he like before his leg?
Stacy," Pretty much the same. [The maParkne beeps, and Cameron puts on her glasses to read the Test Results of Doom! Except!]"
Cameron, He's clear. No Alzheimer's.
Stacy," Yeah, that's what I figured."
Foreman," [uncovering a bike from under a tarp] Serious mountain bike. Hasn't been used in a while, though."
Chase, [carrying a mat] He switched to yoga. Brand new yoga mat and tape.
Foreman, Man's getting older.
Chase, Or it might indiCate back pain.
Foreman, Wife would have mentioned it.
Chase," Yoga's good for picking up the ladies, too."
Foreman," Not when you do it in your own home. The change could just be a change, not a symptom. [He opens a cabinet in the kitchen to find a plate of cookies with a note on them.] Chase! [reading the letter] ""Dear House boys, a snack for your highly illegal search. Hope you like oatmeal raisin. Love, Stacy.""ù"
Chase," Whoa. [hands a bottle full of pills to Foreman] In a desk drawer, hidden in the back under some papers. Secret stash."
Chase, Amphetamines.
Foreman," Regularly used, could lead to neurotoxicity. Explains the axonal nerve damage and the personality issues. [House picks up the bottle.]"
House," On the other hand, prescribed to W. Brown."
Cameron," Fake name, fake prescription."
House," Could be, but the prescribing doc, his name's real. This guy's just had his license pulled for writing illegal prescriptions to high school kids."
Foreman, Mark's a high school guidance counselor.
House, And Mr. Brown's birth date makes him 17-years-old. You think maybe these were confisCated by a high school guidance counselor? [He pockets the bottle.] Anything else?
Chase," Uh, yeah, he switched from mountain biking to yoga, could have been indication ""ì"
House, He's getting older. What did the CSF say about encephalitis?
Cameron," Said no. Champagne tap. No red cells, no white cells, serology's negative."
House, Which means we're back to Alzheimer's.
Cameron, I told her he didn't have it. The marker tests were negative.
House," Well, then you should have told her that. He could still have it. PET scan will rEveal any change in metabolic activity in the cerebral cortex, run him through. And check his memory."
Foreman, We're going to inject a chemical marker called FDDNP. Then I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
Mark, Test my memory.
Foreman," Yeah. First we're gonna map out some specific brain functions, check out the engine before we take the car for a drive. [Foreman enters the room next to the maParkne, and finds House hiding in wait.] Checking up on me?"
House," I like all the pretty lights. [The tech injects the chemical, and Mark starts to enter the maParkne.]"
Foreman," Okay, [into the mike] here we go. Your full name?"
Mark, Mark Warner.
Foreman, Is your mother living?
Mark, No.
Foreman," Limbic system's intact. [into the mike] Okay, say you find a stamped envelope on the street. What do you do?"
Mark, Find a mailbox and mail it.
House," Jeez, what a guy. His frontal lobe is working way better than mine. [into the mike] You remember when you got married?"
Mark," Three years ago this July, who is that?"
House, What? There could be a pRoblem with his long-term memory. [in the mike] Big church wedding?
Mark, Is that House?
House, He remembers voices.
Foreman, This serves no diagnostic purpose.
House," I thought you skimped on the limbic system, there. Emotional reactions, I just want to be thorough. [in the mike] Did the atheistic bride wear a pretty, white dress?"
Mark, Was she thinking of you? Is that what you medically need to know?
House, What jewelry did your bride wear?
Mark," She nEver wears any jewelry. Except that cross her mother gave to her. No underwear, either. At least, not that day. I remember because she ripped her pretty, white dress off in the car. Is that the sort of answer you're looking for, Doctor?"
House, I think I upset him.
Foreman," You gotta to stop this, now."
Mark, I remember the Honeymoon was in Paris. I remember because we didn't leave the room for two weeks. You want the details on that?
House, A little defensive.
Foreman, It's not paranoia if someone's out to get you.
House, Here we go. [Stacy shoves him.]
Stacy," He's sick, paranoid, and you keep hammering him about me?"
House," The questions were designed to define the operational parameters of his limbic system ""ì"
Stacy," Elevate the words all you want, you were just screwing with him. Low Even by your standards."
House, Medical screwing. It's what I do.
Stacy, And then you run away like a 12-year-old. Go hide on the roof like you always do.
House," I haven't been up here in five years. [a lengthy, awkward pause] I don't know what's wrong with him. It's not Alzheimer's, it's not encephalitis, it's not environmental, it's not immunological. Every test is negative, Every time. He's perfectly healthy, but his brain is dying."
Stacy," It nEver occurred to me that you couldn't figure out what's wrong. [Stacy starts to cry, and House walks over to hug her.]"
House, I haven't given up.
Stacy, So what do we do?
House, We wait.
Stacy, For what?
House," Something to change. It's one of the great tragEdies of life, something always [they break apart], something always changes."
Mark, Nurse! Nurse! [The Nurse runs in.]
Stacy, What happened? What's wrong?
Mark," My toes. They were numb, tingling, then nothing. No pain, nothing."
Stacy, It's okay. They're gonna take care of you.
Mark," I'm scared, Stacy. Hold my hand. [We see that Stacy is already holding Mark's hand. CGI cam goes into Mark's eye, and through neural passages that seem to short out at the end.]"
Stacy, What's happening?
House, Time marches on. He's paralyzed.
Foreman, His symptoms mimic a peripheral nervous system under attack.
Chase," But he's experiencing significant paresthesias, and he can't move his hands or toes."
House," It's peripheral. Guillain-Barre syndrome attacks there, not the brain."
Foreman," No, no. I already did an indirect Coombs' test. No glutination, no antibodies!"
House, Initiative! Like that. Start him on IV immunosuppressó
Foreman," No antibodies means he doesn't have Guillain-Barre, period!"
House, Period? More like dot dot dot. What if he has the virus but isn't producing those antibodies?
Foreman," Come on, the chances of that are ""ì"
House," I didn't ask about the Vegas line, I said ""what if?""ù"
Foreman, It would mean he's sick and his body's not doing anything about it.
Cameron, So we either fight it for him or it's fatal.
House, Fatal sounds very bad to me.
Chase, But without the antibodies we can't Even test for it. We don't know if we're right.
House," The treatment isn't all that dangerous, plasmapheresis and IVIG. If it works, we're right. If he dies, it was something else."
Mark, So the paralysis might not be perManent?
Cameron," That's our hope, but the brain's tricky. You nEver know. [House looks at Stacy, Stacy looks back.]"
Mark, What was that?
Stacy, What?
Mark," With the head, the look."
Stacy, He just wants to talk to me.
Mark," Well, if it was medical he should be talking to me!"
Stacy, I'll be just outside the door.
Mark, Leave! Go talk to him! You're gonna leave me anyway!
Stacy," No, that's not gonna happen."
Mark," You left him, and he had a limp. If I can't walk, or hold you! [he starts to cry]"
Stacy," Honey, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to talk to him."
Mark, If I can't feed myself?
Cameron," Mark, what you're feeling, it's not real. It's the virus. [Mark starts to choke; Cameron looks into his mouth with her penlight.] Mark? His throat's closing up, he can't breathe. Code blue! [Nurses rush in.] He's having a reaction to the IVIG, I need epi stat! [She tries to tube him but he keeps jerking around.] I can't get the scope in his throat!"
House, Stop that.
Cameron, He's having an allergic reaction and he's crashing!
House," No, he's not. Look at his vitals. O2 stats are within range. I'm betting the only abnormal sign is sweaty palms. [Stacy, still holding his hand, nods.] Push two milligrams Ativan. [She pushes it, and Mark calms down.] Just a panic attack. Something obviously freaked him out. Can we talk now?"
Stacy, You couldn't just walk into the room?
House," He's had five visitors drive down. I didn't recognize any of them. Six more have sent him flowers, candy and a teddy bear, which I'm sure he finds very comforting. But I didn't recognize any of the names on the cards."
Stacy," Shockingly, Mark has friends, and I have some new ones."
House," No, it's not shocking that you have new friends. But it is shocking that you apparently dumped all your old ones."
Stacy, I haven't.
House," No, I didn't think so. I just think you didn't tell any of them that you were down here. Now why would that be? [A doctor comes to use the telephone at the desk; they move to another spot.] Why would you not tell your oldest friends that you were taking Mark to Princeton-Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital to try to save his life?"
Stacy, I've been busy! I haven't kept track of who knows what.
House," See, my old friends are telling me to be careful. They seem to think ""ì"
Stacy, He. And he sent me the bear.
House," Figures. He seems to think that I'm not over you. It might be dangerous for me to spend time with you. I'm thinking your friends might have similar concerns. And so you didn't tell him you'd be here, with me."
Stacy, What's your point? That I'm still in love with you? I should abandon my dying husband and we should head for Rio?
House, No.
Stacy," Gregg, I appreciate what you're doing for us, but maybe Wilson's right. Maybe you should just stay away from me. [She walks off.]"
Wilson, What's up?
House," Love the bear, it was adorable."
Wilson," My wife's going to kill me. We're having company, she cooked."
House," I got Mark's latest blood work, he's not responding to treatment."
Wilson, I'm sorry.
House," I was happy. He's my Patient. I'm sure he's a good guy, he's pRobably a great guy. PRobably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I'm just not sure if it's because I want to be with her or if it's because I want her to suffer."
House, Hey. Is it okay if I talk to Stacy for a minute?
Stacy," I'll be just outside, Honey."
House, You two are good together.
Stacy, You know nothing about Mark.
House," He took you to Paris, that's good enough for me."
Stacy, We nEver went to Paris.
House," Your Honeymoon. It's been your dream city, you wanted to go since you were sixteen, he actually took you."
Stacy," No, I had to work. We spent the night in New York, then went back to Short Hills. What is it?"
House, When did Mark switch from mountain biking to yoga?
Stacy," About a month ago. The same time he started getting sick, what does that mean?"
House, We have two more symptoms.
House, Patient was asked a series of questions to determine the functionality of his brain.
Foreman, You grilled him about Stacy.
House," WhatEver. Yeah, point is he told us Everything we needed to know to diagnose him, that is if we use your fancy PET scan as a lie detector. See, it's a very creative process, lying. Now, telling the truth is a much simpler process. See here. Question nine, this is where Mark gives a long, rambling answer about taking Stacy to Paris. What does the PET scan say?"
Foreman, Minimal involvement. Just the frontal and temporal lobes.
Chase," He said he went to Paris and the PET confirms it, so what?"
House," They didn't go. They didn't go to Paris, and yet Mark's brain apparently thinks that he really did spend 40 francs on a tour of the Bastille. [He starts to erase the white board.] So we have an intermittent syndrome that presents with abdominal pain, polyneuropathy, paranoia and delusions. Now, here's the thing about Acute Intermittent Porphyria. It'll jump you in a dark alley, beat the crap out of you, leave you bleeding. But it leaves gloves, so no fingerprints. Doesn't show up in blood tests, urine tests, nothing. Unless you catch it red handed in the middle of an attack."
Chase, But there are other symptoms of AIP.
House, Such as?
Chase, Light sensitivity?
House," Yeah, well, one of the true tragEdies of this condition is it makes you want to stick your cool, new mountain bike in the garage and take up an indoor sport like, say, yoga. Start the treatment: hematin and glucose."
Cameron," If you give him hematin and you're wrong, he dies today."
Foreman, There's only one way to confirm AIP: urine sample made during the attack.
Chase, And there's no way to predict when he'll have another attack.
House, Sure there is.
House," Acute Intermittent Porphyria has very specific triggers. Barbiturates, alcohol, high lEvels of protein set off an attack."
Stacy, Which trigger do you think set off Mark's?
House," Not the faintest idea, that's why I'm going to give him the combo plate."
Stacy," So if he has this, and you trigger the attack, the attack makes him worse. Right?"
House, Yeah. But then we'll know what it is and we can treat it.
Mark, What if I don't have this thing and you give me that shot? What happens?
House, No idea. If we don't know what's messing up your brain we don't know how you'll react.
Stacy," Okay, I need a minute with my husband. [The team leaves. Mark is shown talking through the glass, then Stacy gets up and leaves.] He doesn't want the trigger. He wants to wait, see if we can come up with another explanation. If it is the AIP, how much time does he have?"
House," No idea. Next attack could be fatal. Could be six months from now, could be five minutes from now."
Stacy, I want you to test him.
House," Fine. I'll send for a HMB synthetase mutation, genetic test. Lab will get back to us in a month."
Stacy," Give him the cocktail, set off an attack."
House, No.
Stacy, Why not?
House, Because he doesn't want me to.
Stacy, I'm not going to sue you. I'm not going to report you.
House, He might.
Stacy," He's paralyzed! Either you cure him, or he won't be writing any letters."
House, I'm not gonna do it.
Stacy, Why not?
House," You keep asking me that question; my answer doesn't change. I gave him the parameters, it's his call."
Stacy, You want him to die.
House," I diagnosed him, I did my job. You want somebody to tie him down and force him into treatment, well, you're way better at that than I am."
Stacy, Is that what this is? Payback for your leg? How Many times have we been over this; I saved your life.
House," Yeah, maybe."
Stacy, You're going to kill my husband to teach me a lesson?
House," No, he's going to die because he's too stubborn to make the right choice."
Stacy, Now we're in your territory.
House," I'm respecting your husband's decision, I don't see why you've got a pRoblem with that."
Stacy," Because it's crap! Because you browbeat Patients, intimidate them, lie to them. If you think you're right you don't give a damn what they think. I did what you do all the time, the only difference is I did it to you."
House, He'll nEver forgive you.
Stacy," Yeah, he will."
Foreman, Still no change.
Stacy, He's not getting worse?
Foreman," No, no change at all."
Stacy," And that's consistent with AIP, right? Until he has another attack his condition's stable?"
Cameron, Yeah.
Stacy," Mark, you've got to ""ì"
Mark, I don't want to take that test. Not until they're sure.
Stacy, You don't know Gregg.
Mark, Not like you do. I only met him when he drugged me.
House," [at the doorway] Boy, are my ears burning."
Mark, What's that?
House, [holding up a syringe] Cocktail hour. Just because you can't hoist a few doesn't mean you should be left out.
Mark, Get away from me.
Stacy," Mark, this is what he thinks is wrong with you."
Mark, You trust his judgment more than mine?
Stacy, His medical judgment.
Mark, And you'd bet my life on that.
Stacy, I would.
Mark, I don't.
House," Smart. Too bad you're paralyzed. [He takes the IV to push the syringe, but Foreman stops him.] Bing! Paging Dr. Foreman! Leave the room. It's not your pRoblem."
Foreman, You need the consent from him.
House," Doc, he ain't right in the head!"
Cameron, Then you need a court order.
House," Okay, then get one. We'll wait here. I won't do nothin'. [The three Ducklings have moved so they're forming a wall between House and Mark's bed.] Oh, love the Musketeer thing. I got goosebumps."
Cameron, [holding out her hand] Give me the syringe.]
Stacy," [near tears] Please, if you're right this may be his only shot."
House," So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough. I can't do it. [He turns away, Everyone relaxes, and then BOOM! House sticks the syringe in Mark's leg.]"
Mark, You son of a bitch!
House, See what I did there?
Stacy, When does it happen?
Chase," [checking Mark's vitals] If he had AIP, it should have already happened."
House, Everyone's different.
Foreman," This is not good. He could have embolism, tachycardia, stroke ""ì [Foreman is interrupted by Mark, who goes into an attack.]"
Stacy, What's happening?
Chase, Two milligrams of Ativan!
Stacy," Is that an attack? [Cameron runs over with the Ativan, but House swipes it away with his cane.]"
House," No, you'll pollute the sample! Chase, get urine from the catheter."
Foreman," It's not an attack, he's stroking!"
Chase, He needs Ativan!
House, This is not a stroke! Delta wave bursts just at the base of the spasm. [The catheter falls to the floor.]
Chase," Catheter's out, there's no way to collect the sample"
Foreman," Heart rate's in the 40s, bradycardia, we're losing him!"
House, Hold him down!
Stacy, Give him something!
House, No pain killers!
Foreman," You were wrong! [House doesn't listen, but grabs a syringe and sticks the needle into Mark's bladder, pulling out the urine sample.]"
House," Straight from the bladder, that's as fresh as it gets. Will you give him the Ativan already? He doesn't need to be awake for this."
Cameron, It's still yellow.
House, [grabbing a lamp] Move.
Cameron, What?
Chase, You think another light's gonna make the difference?
House," Organic chem.. More lights, more oxidation. Ring any bells? [The sample turns black.] Start the Patient on 150 milligrams glucose, 75 milligrams hematin. [The three younger doctors leave, leaving House alone to breathe.]"
Mark, Hey.
Stacy, Hey.
Mark, You want to thumb wrestle? Come on. [Stacy gives him a kiss.] He's still a Maniac.
Stacy, I know. [House is watParkng behind the blinds. Cameron is watParkng House.]
Cameron, Dr. House? How's he doing?
House, [looking in again] NEver better.
Cameron, I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's okay. I'm happy for you. [She walks off.]
Stacy, You fixed him.
House, De nada.
Stacy, Thank you. You were right.
House, He's gonna be fine.
Stacy," No, about me. I'm not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can't be with you."
House," So I'm the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can nEver be the guy."
Stacy," What's so great about you, you always think you're right. What's so frustrating about you is you are right so much of the time. You are brilliant, funny, surprising, sexy! but with you I was lonely, and with Mark there's room for me."
House," Okay. [Stacy kisses him on the cheek, then leaves.]"
Cuddy, I want to run something by you.
House," [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need ""ì"
Cuddy," Stacy's husband is going to need close monitoring at the hospital. And since we can definitely use her back here, I've offered her a job. General Counsel."
House, Did she say yes?
Cuddy," She said only if it was okay with you. [House starts to walk off as The Rolling Stones' ""You Can't Always Get What You Want""ù plays ironically in the background.] Yes or no?"
House, Fine. Good.