season5.csv

name,line
[The hardcopy shows in red," HUNTINGTON'S:______POS*. Angrily, she crumples up the paper. Turning off the light, she prepares to leave.]"
Patty, Who picked this dump?
Lou, You suggested it.
Patty, I suggested you look into it.
Lou, Sorry. The online reviews ÔøΩ
Patty," Were obviously written by some geek in their own marketing department. Next time, call someone you know. Stop relying on a computer to do your job for you."
Lou, Bright Size Apparel. Eight sexual harassment suits in two years.
Patty, Who asked for the meeting?
Lou, They did.
Patty," Patty Michener, president of Women's Majority. [They're in a boardroom. The men around the table are leafing through copies of a report.] And wow ÔøΩ do you guys need me! Nine men. No one thought it might be a good idea to put a suit on one of the gals from the steno pool to make it look like you give a damn?"
CEO," We've made it a priority to promote more women, but!"
Patty," Well, from now on you have me standing beside you, which is good. [Lou slaps her neck and makes a face when she sees it was an ant crawling on her.] Because your pRoblem is a national pRoblem."
CEO," With all due respect, Miss Michener, I'd hardly call a few isolated incidents a national pRoblem."
Patty, Six out of ten victims nEver Even report harassment.
Flunky, That still only means 20.
Patty, Not enough for you? How Many asses does your corporate policy allow you to grab? Tell you what you're gonna do. You're gonna settle with anyone you haven't settled with. You're gonna fire any Man who's Even been accused.
Lou," Somebody help me! Please help me. I can't get 'em off! Please help me! Help me, please! Somebody help me! Get 'em off."
Patty," You gonna call an ambulance, or are you just gonna sit there and stare?"
Lou," [screaming] Help me, please!"
Cuddy, Wilson's back. You gonna say ÔøΩ
House, He's been gone two months. He can wait till I finish slaying a guy in a skullcap and a pair of tights.
Cuddy, On a video game you stole from the pediatric ward?
House," On advice of counsel, I assert my privilege pursuant to the fifth."
Cuddy, When was the last time you talked to him?
House," Uh, I think it was after... When did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to tread on your turf."
Foreman, [enters] We got a case.
House, I've gotta remember to close the blinds.
Foreman," Just got a call from Patty Michener from Women's Majority, the women's rights ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, We know who she is.
House," I dated her. Well, not really dated her. More metaphorically raped her by having a penis. [to Foreman] You did too."
Foreman, Her assistant flipped out. Ripped off her clothes in front of a room full of businessmen.
House," Well, either she cracked under the whip, or she started to realize that her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not to castrate them. Send her to psyParkatric."
Foreman," Anemia, bradycardia, and abdominal pain aren't psyParkatric symptoms."
House, Then it's the latter. Send her to my apartment. [He reaches for the file.]
Cuddy, I'll give it to Segal.
Foreman," House actually wants a case, and you're saying no?"
Cuddy, House has more important things to do.
House," Sorry, can't help you. You need a specialist to remove those kind of warts. Preferably one with experience spelunking."
House," Hallucinations, possible memory loss. Tests show anemia, slow heart rate, and a stubborn refusal to shave her pits."
Taub, Have you seen Wilson?
House," Nope. But I have seen the Patient's frequent flyer balance. Eastern Europe, Asia, third-world countries. Sometimes more than one a day."
Thirteen, No fEver means it's not a tropical disease.
Kutner," If it's not where she went, maybe it's the work hours. Could be amphetamine abuse. She's pRobably popping them like breath mints."
Foreman, You haven't been by his office?
House, Is Wilson hallucinating ants crawling all over him too? Tox screen's cleaner than the windows she won't do. [His pacing brings him to the windows for the second time. He looks out.]
Taub," Her job keeps her constantly on the road, pRobably living off of airline peanuts and diet soda. SEvere B12 deficiency could cause all her symptoms."
Thirteen," Why is Everyone leaping to conclude a strong career Woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12, it's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic."
House, [big sigh] Great. Now Everyone knows.
Taub, You knew the Patient had cancer?
House," Is that what she said? I thought she said, ""I am suddenly and irrationally defending the Patient's strong career, Even though in reality she's just a glorified grunt, because I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay not to have a life because I don't have a life, because I was tested for Huntington's, and my life span's been cut in half."" Been waiting two months for her to say that."
Thirteen," Hallucinations, anemia, bradycardia ÔøΩ"
House, Hyper segmented polys says that Taub's right. Pump her full of B12. See how a strong career Woman's been made sick by her strong career.
Kutner, Are you okay?
Foreman, Could be years before you see any symptoms.
Taub, Why wouldn't you tell us?
Thirteen, I don't have Huntington's.
Kutner, Are you lying to us! because it's none of our business?
Thirteen," If it's none of your business, then I shouldn't have to answer these questions. And I wouldn't have to, except House doesn't want to answer questions about Wilson. He's deflecting his own pRoblems onto me."
Kutner, Are you deflecting now?
Thirteen, Time for the B12 cocktail and my life lesson.
Lou," No, Patty'll do the hearing. She just needs to be the leadoff witness so ÔøΩ Okay, I'll lock it down today."
Thirteen, [enters] I need you back in bed.
Lou, My boss has a big Beijing trip. I've been planning it for months. I was just tired and dehydrated and ÔøΩ
Thirteen," Yeah, whenEver I lose some shut-eye, I pound my legs, clawing at imaginary ant colonies. You have a sEvere B12 deficiency. Get back in bed. [Lou gets in bed. Thirteen gives her an injection.] I'm sure your boss can do without you for a few days."
Lou, It's not about her. It's about me. I want to be there. I want to matter.
Thirteen," Yeah, I mean, without you, who knows how much starch they'd put in her shirts? [Lou looks annoyed as Thirteen picks up and drops a laundry ticket from Lou's bed table.] I'm sorry, I'm sure your boss depends on you for ÔøΩ"
Lou, I need to get up.
Thirteen," No, you need to stay in bed."
Lou," Please, where's a bed pan? Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I just! I just had a bowel movement."
Thirteen," It's okay, B12 deficiency can cause sudden ÔøΩ [She lifts the sheet. There's blood Everywhere.] That's not a bowel movement."
House," My Patient is still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women. Today's sluts are celebrities. If that isn't progress ÔøΩ"
Wilson, I'm leaving.
House," What, are you gonna take another two months? Boy, you're really milking this bereavement thing, aren't you? [pause] I mean, good for you. You take all the time you need."
Wilson, I'm resigning. Maybe moving out of New Jersey. I don't know yet.
House, Okay. That's an understandable reaction.
Wilson, It's not a reaction. It's a decision. I'm writing Cuddy my resignation right now. I'm just back for the week to wrap up my clinical and administrative duties.
House," You of all people should know, this is bereavement 101. You think that a change of venue ÔøΩ"
Wilson," Well, that spares me decades of psychoanalysis."
House, I'm not saying you're not in pain.
Wilson, You're saying my pain's a clichÔøΩ.
House, I'm saying that pain fades.
Wilson, Did yours?
House, Physical pain is different.
Wilson, I'd rather have my leg chopped off.
House," Well, you don't know that 'cause you haven't felt ÔøΩ"
Wilson, Neither have you.
Thirteen," [enters] Sorry, Patient's got a rectal bleed."
House, Busy.
Thirteen, We need you to ÔøΩ
House," Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just a euphemism for ""get the hell out of here."" [She leaves. House turns back to Wilson.] This is your grief talking. And, yeah, it is a bit textbook. So before you give away all your possessions to the Salvation Army ÔøΩ"
Wilson, My girlfriend's dead. I'm glad you've read that book before. I haven't. I'm late to meet Dr. Olin to brief him on the cases I'm handing over. Bye.
Thirteen, It doesn't bother you that House wouldn't take just two seconds to talk about the Patient?
Taub, Wilson's dealing with a lot.
Thirteen, And our Patient may be dying.
Taub, She was bleeding out her rear. We're looking up her rear. You think we needed House's expertise to set us on this course?
Thirteen, Her heart rate's slowÔøΩbleed should have made it faster.
Taub," And it can wait till after we know where it came from, and after he's done dealing with personal issues."
Thirteen, Yeah? That the way it works around here? We get cut slack while we deal with personal issues?
Taub, [gives her a long look] You're not the boss. Boss gets to make the rules. Boss gets to ignore! She's bleeding from... nowhere.
Foreman, You did an endoscopy?
Taub, And a colonoscopy.
Foreman, CT scan?
Thirteen," Ordered, but it shouldn't show anything the endoscopy didn't."
Kutner, [approaches] We can't do a CT scan.
Foreman, Why not?
Kutner, We don't need a CT scan. We don't need House.
Taub, Stop grinning and talk.
Kutner, One of the routine pre-procedure tests was positive.
Taub, Which one?
Kutner," The one that, if it's positive, would explain a hormone imbalance that could screw with heart rate and blood flow."
Thirteen, Guess she does have a life beyond her career.
Lou, I'm pregnant?
Kutner, You want me to call the father and let him know?
Lou, Soon as you do some DNA testing. Let me know.
Thirteen, Must be hard to have a real relationship when you ÔøΩ
Lou, Are you making excuses for me?
Thirteen, I'm just saying it's understandable.
Lou, You only have to understand something if it needs an explanation. I have needs. I met my needs. End of explanation.
Kutner, How recently were you... needy?
Lou," Oh, it's been two or three months, at least. [She looks at him.] What? What is it?"
Kutner, Nothing.
Lou, Tell me.
Kutner, It's actually nothing.
Thirteen, The ultrasound shows no trace of a baby at all.
Thirteen," Positive pregnancy test, no pregnancy."
Taub," B12 deficit rectified, but her heart's slowing Even more."
Kutner, And a bleed should speed her heart rate.
Foreman," House, this is the kind of case you love. [House looks over.] Contradictions piling up left and right."
House," [sighs] Two false positive pregnancy tests, bradycardia, lower GI bleed. Go."
Thirteen, Choriocarcinoma ÔøΩ would've triggered pregnancy hormones.
House, Also would have shown on a sonogram.
Kutner," Immunoglobulin ""A"" deficiency."
House, No urinary bleed. [He looks through the closed blinds on his window and starts walking out of the office.]
Kutner," If she's had beta HCG injections, they can cross-react with..."
House, Keep going.
House," You're being an idiot. You're gonna blow up your career. And six months from now, when you've moved on from Amber to burnt sienna, you're gonna be stuck in a mobile oncology truck in Pewaukee, Wisconsin."
Wilson, I'd need a flow chart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.
House, You can't hide from misery.
Wilson, This isn't your business.
House, My skull was cracked open trying to save her!
Wilson, Then we all need a little tea and sympathy. I'm through discussing it.
Thirteen," [in doorway with the other fellows] Uh, we have a Patient."
House, Who's obviously not going anywhere with a bloody rectum.
Foreman, Great to have you back.
Wilson," Actually, I'm ÔøΩ"
House," Actually, he's about to thrust a tantō into the belly of his career."
Wilson, I'm leaving the hospital.
Thirteen," I'm sorry, this is obviously a terrible time ÔøΩ"
Taub, Why are you leaving?
Wilson, I just need a change of scenery.
House, Buy a plant.
Thirteen," Rectal bleeding, two positive pregnancy tests."
Foreman, There's nothing we can do?
Wilson, You could ask House to be a grown-up and respect my decision.
House," I respect things that deserve respect. This decision, on the other hand, is a dog wearing a cape!"
Thirteen, Hallucinations. Heart won't respond ÔøΩ
House, The Patient tested positive for pregnancy because the Patient is pregnant.
Lou," Hey, who are you?"
Thirteen, [entering] This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions. [to House] False positive.
House, You're too busy to be running a Day Care Center in your abdomen.
Thirteen, False positive.
House, Not to mention you should wait till at least 30 to punish that pleasure portal with a sEven-pound tissue expander.
Lou, I'm 37. And I thought I wasn't pregnant.
House," [looks at her] 37? Impressive. Too bad you're not passing on those genes. [to Thirteen] Does that look false to you? You were looking in the wrong room. It's more common when the egg lands in the oven. Sometimes it winds up in the fallopian tubes. In rare cases, it plummets through the plumbing entirely. It's using her intestine as a blood supply. It caused the rectal bleed, and now... Junior Miss Steinem's junior must be pressing on her vagus nerve, slowing her heart to a crawl. Yank the fetus. She survives the surgery, she'll be fine."
Thirteen, What if she wants to keep the baby?
House, She doesn't.
Thirteen," What, we can't take two seconds to discuss this? I mean, fetuses have been transplanted before. Whole uteruses too."
House, Just terminating the fetus when it's glued to her intestines is high-risk surgery. Saving it is a fantasy. That was at least three seconds.
Thirteen, She's a 37-year-old Woman who deserves ÔøΩ
House," People get what they get. It has nothing to do with what they deserve. And this has nothing to do with her genitalia, and Everything to do with your genetics."
Thirteen, You told me to get tested.
House," I didn't know it was gonna color your Every medical opinion, Every personal opinion."
Thirteen, You didn't think a death sentence would ÔøΩ
House," [He turns to her, angry.] People die! You, Amber, Everyone. Don't act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don't like it, there are exits on Every floor."
Thirteen," I'm sorry to be so definitive about this. I know you're still absorbing the news, but we have no choice."
Lou," Remove the fetus. Absolutely. I have no boyfriend, no husband. I'm on the road with Patty all the time. Where do I sign?"
Cameron, You feel any tenderness back here?
Patient," No, not at all."
House, [approaches] Treating professional sports injuries now?
Patient," No, I'm not ÔøΩ"
House," Familiar with the concept of sarcasm. Don't sweat it, it's new. [to Cameron] Have you spoken to Wilson?"
Cameron, We'll get you an EKG. I'll be right back. [to House] You want me to sleep with him to get him to stay?
House," I put the bisexual Parkck on that. If you'd like to sit in, so to speak..."
Cameron, I spoke to him.
House, What'd you tell him?
Cameron, I didn't tell him anything. I listened.
House, So you could feel good about doing nothing. You gotta tell him ÔøΩ
Cameron, [She rummages through a drawer then heads back to the Patient.] I am not your errand girl. Best thing about leaving you ÔøΩ
Patient, The two of you used to be together?
House, She dumped me when I lost the last 85 pounds. Said there was less of me to love.
Cameron," Grief means different things to different people. Case in point, means very little to you."
House," Grief is Newark. Okay, it's there. You can't avoid it. The idea is to hold your nose, hope the traffic's not too bad, and get on to Manhattan as quickly as possible, not to buy property."
Cameron, You think that's facing up to things?
House, I'm not the one who's quitting.
Cameron, 'Cause you haven't lost anything.
House, But you have. He'll listen to you. What did you do when your husband died?
Cameron, I got a new job and I moved.
House, See how crappy that worked out?
Chase, Separating the placenta from the wall of the large intestine. Sponge. Suction. We've got some bleeding.
Taub, BP's dropping. 90 systolic.
Chase, She's bleeding like hell. Clamp.
Taub, BP's still dropping.
Chase," Amp of calcium chloride, fast!"
Taub, Still dropping.
Chase, Shut up! Squeeze her spleen. We need to force some platelets out so her blood clots.
Thirteen, She's in weak shape. Spleen's friable. It could rupture.
Female Doctor, She's stabilizing. Oozing's drying up.
Chase, I hate visitor's day. Removing the fetus.
Cuddy, Bye.
House, You have to stop Wilson from committing career malpractice.
Cuddy, Talk to him.
House, I already talked to him twice. He threw me out.
Cuddy," Mocking him and insulting him, let's see! Yes, technically those are Categories of conversation."
House, Block his references to other hospitals. Tell him he can't hand off his cases until ÔøΩ
Cuddy, Talk to him. Deal with his grief. Talk to him about what he's going through.
House, That's a brilliant idea. I'll take him out for a beer. That'll make up for the fact that Amber's in a pine box. That there's randomness and chaos in the universe.
Cuddy, Tell him you're sorry.
House, I didn't kill her.
Cuddy, You were drunk and ÔøΩ
House," Yeah, if her daddy hadn't been drunk, she might nEver have been born. So ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, You called her up in the middle of the night. She was on the bus because of you.
House, I didn't ask her to come out. I wasn't driving the bus. I wasn't driving the garbage truck that hit the bus. And I did not prescribe her the flu meds that killed her.
Cuddy," Yes, I know, that's all true. But... You really don't feel any sense of guilt? You want to keep him, he needs to know he's not alone. Just tell him you feel like crap."
House, It'd be meaningless.
Cuddy," Well, then, find some meaning. And do something."
Thirteen, She's got a neurological pRoblem.
Foreman, Surgical complication?
Taub, Don't think so. She keeps on blinking.
Thirteen, Her heart's not recovering either.
Foreman, So the pregnancy was a coincidence.
Thirteen, Pulse is down to 39. She's maxed out on atropine. We're installing a pacing wire to... [Lou passes out] !avoid that. We need some help in here!
Foreman, Page House.
Taub, Already paged him.
Foreman, Page him again.
Wilson, It's for you.
House," If I told you that I was sorry, would it change anything?"
Wilson, I wouldn't beliEve you.
House, If you beliEved me.
Wilson, It's hard to imagine such a world.
House, I'm going home... [He slides the phone closer to Wilson] !until you agree to stay at this hospital.
Wilson, You can't be s! That's blackmail. And to do your job? Why not hold a gun to your own head?
House, Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head. [The phone buzzes again. House picks it up.] Text. Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy. [He puts it back on Wilson's desk.]
Wilson, You'd jeopardize a Patient because of my ÔøΩ
House, If it keeps you here. Your friendship matters more to me than this Patient.
Wilson, I've gotta do what's right for me. You've gotta do what's right for you.
House, Yeah. But it comes easier for me.
Taub, Where is he? Where is he?
Cuddy, Status.
Foreman," Her heart's stabilized. We have a pacing wire in her, but the bradycardia is not getting any better."
Kutner, House is bluffing.
Taub, I called him three times. He's not picking up. [to Cuddy] What do you want us to do?
Cuddy, The same thing you'd do if he was here.
Taub," If he was here, we'd be asking him what to do."
Cuddy, What are the usual suspects?
Foreman," There aren't any. She had a vitamin deficiency, and we corrected it, an ectopic pregnancy, we removed it."
Kutner," But her heart pRoblem won't go away, and now something's wrong with her brain."
Cuddy, I have complete confidence in you guys. [She leaves.]
Taub, Who wants to go service House so this Patient can live?
Thirteen, We can do this without him. Maybe something happened during the surgery.
Taub," The surgery was on her bowel, not her brain."
Kutner," Anxiety, stroke, Tourette's could all cause eye blinking."
Taub, And cause her heart to beat faster. It's slowing down.
Thirteen," MS. If a lesion took out the sympathetic innervation of her heart, it'd explain the bradycardia and the blinking."
Taub, But not the vitamin deficiency or the ectopic pregnancy. House would want a unifying theory.
Thirteen," House is gone, and so are those symptoms. MS explains Everything that's wrong with her right now."
Foreman, Start her on interferon for MS.
Cuddy, Mind if I come in?
House, Not at all. You mind if I leave?
Cuddy, I told you not to take that case specifically so you could deal with Wilson.
House," And the two ended up dovetailing rather nicely, don't you think?"
Cuddy, Is this how you show your friendship? By bludgeoning him with guilt?
House," Because he's my friend, I know what works on him."
Cuddy," Well, I can't let you walk away from a Patient."
House, Then fire me.
Cuddy," You're willing to risk your career, but you're not willing to say you're sorry."
House, I told him I'm sorry. He didn't beliEve it.
Cuddy," Well, make him beliEve it."
House, I don't beliEve it.
Cuddy," You don't want to beliEve it [angrily] Because if you tell Wilson how you actually feel about him, about what happened to Amber, about your part in what happened, and he walks out the door anyway! If you make yourself vulnerable for once in your nerve-deadening, emotionally obliterating... [House swings the door shut in her face and walks toward his piano where he picks up his drink. Cuddy continues her tirade through the closed door.] You're doing the same thing he is. You're running away. Only he's not killing anyone in the process."
Lou, Where's Dr. House?
Thirteen, He's not feeling well.
Lou, Was MS his idea?
Thirteen, We work as a team. You know how it is. Collaborative. Sometimes it's hard to tell where an idea comes from.
Lou, But you're not! really a team. You work for him.
Thirteen, And you work for Patty. I'm sure a lot of her ideas are actually ÔøΩ
Lou, She would be fine without me. I'd be nothing without her.
Thirteen, Maybe if you just had the chance. I'm! I'm sure you've learned a lot.
Lou, Not Everybody's created equal. Does Dr. House think I have MS?
Thirteen, Yes. [Lou shivers audibly.] Did you just shiver? [She feel's Lou's forehead.] You're running a slight fEver.
Lou, Is that bad?
Thirteen, It means we were wrong about the MS.
House, You had my cable disconnected!
Cuddy," Well, that's quite a leap. Just because I happen to have a 31-person maintenance department, each of whom you've personally abused at some point ÔøΩ"
House," Why? Did you think I'm okay with letting someone die, but I'm gonna fold if I can't watch celebrity bowling?"
Cuddy," That is not an unreasonable theory. Especially with only ten minutes till your favorite soap. Oh, gee, is this the remote from the doctors' lounge?"
Wilson, This is your 911? Good-bye.
Cuddy, Stop! I'm withholding your salary history from Every hospital in the tri-state area.
House," You go, girl."
Cuddy, And I'm perManently setting Every TV in this building to the pottery channel unless you both sit down. [She sits in the chair next to the couch.] Welcome to couples counseling.
Taub, It's not the surgery.
Thirteen, The timing fits.
Taub," The location doesn't, unless her brain's in her bowels."
Thirteen," If bacteria entered her bloodstream, it could have caused an infection in her brain."
Taub," The surgery went fine. You were there, you saw."
Thirteen, Peptostreptococcus could explain the blinking and ÔøΩ
Taub, No. You want to watch a grainy video and have an epiphany.
Foreman, Shut up. You're making me miss House's mocking.
Taub," I know you told us it was none of our business, but if House thinks that your Huntington's is affecting you, maybe it really ÔøΩ"
Thirteen," It's not, because I don't have ÔøΩ"
Taub, You're desperate to do this without him. You're not trying to cure her. You're trying to prove ÔøΩ
Kutner," Stop the tape. Zoom in. On the anastomosis, that little bump."
Taub," It's a hematoma. A harmless pocket of blood, which is why Chase ignored it during the surgery."
Kutner," Could be a ganglioma, which is why Chase shouldn't have ignored it."
Foreman," It's an abnormal growth of nerves, it could be causing all the Patient's symptoms. We have to open her up again. Get a piece of it."
House, So what do you want to tell us?
Cuddy, Nothing. Nothing I say is gonna change anything. You guys need to talk.
House," Actually, you should read the psych literature. Repression's gaining a lot of fans. What you don't face can't crush you."
Cuddy, Talk to each other.
House," [to Wilson, pleasantly] How you doing? Good?"
Wilson," [equally pleasantly] Fine, thanks."
Cuddy," Eh, eh, eh, eh. Sit! [They do.] See, the two of you are friends. Look how you both ÔøΩ"
House, Think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove ÔøΩ
Cuddy, Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing.
House, I told him he's an idiot.
Cuddy, Tell him what you think about him leaving.
House, I think he's an idiot.
Cuddy, You're an idiot. He's in pain. And your response is just to emotionally blackmail him.
House," You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?"
Wilson, She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Cuddy, Go to hell.
House, So much for that theory.
Cuddy, I'm sorry you lost Amber. I cannot imagine what it is you're going through. [Wilson's face tightens. He stands and walks to the door.] But it will not get better by you walking away from Everyone that cares about you. Do you think Amber would want you to walk away?
Wilson," Nobody at this hospital Even liked Amber. [He leaves, slamming the door behind him.]"
House, [stands] Same time next week?
Chase, You want me to do a second major surgery on a Patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery?
Foreman, We need a piece of the ganglioma.
Chase, Then you're talking about another Patient. Yours doesn't have a ganglioma.
Foreman, And if there is one and you missed it?
Chase, Then you're talking about another surgeon. I didn't miss anything.
Foreman, But we're not talking about another videotape. This one showed a bump we need to biopsy.
Chase," A bump? Oh, yeah. My grandfather died of a bump. She can't survive a second round of general anesthesia, let alone a third."
Thirteen, You'd do this for House.
Chase, Yeah.
Thirteen," Then what do you suggest? Because the Patient's got a high fEver, a low heart rate, and a dim chance of survival if we stand here like idiots."
Chase, Then I suggest you don't stand there like idiots.
Kutner," How do you get coal out of a mountain when it's someone else's mountain? If we don't have House, it doesn't mean we can't think like House."
Thirteen, But it does mean we don't have to talk like him.
Kutner," You don't dig down. You go in from the side. We insert a lighted scope through the rectum, move the intestine till we find the ganglioma, then push it to the surface. Where we see the light, we cut."
Thirteen," We'll make as small an incision as we can. But unfortunately, it'll be very painful. After your surgery experience, we can't give you anesthesia."
Lou, Can I talk to Dr. House?
Thirteen, No. We can do this. We know what we're doing.
Lou," I don't mean to be insulting, but my former boss didn't insist on me coming here because of you or ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, Your former boss?
Lou, I've been replaced.
Thirteen, I'm sorry. You must be ÔøΩ
Lou, I'm fine. She has a big Beijing trip. Ton of work to do. She can't just wait for me to get better.
Thirteen, We've been well-trained. We'll take good care of you. [She starts to leave then turns back.] How can you let her treat you like a footstool?
Lou, The world needs flunkies.
Thirteen, Don't say that. You're better than that.
Lou, I have no pRoblem with it. Why do you?
Thirteen," [angrily] Because... life is short. I mean, yours could've ended in that surgery. You'd have nEver lived for yourself. What kind of feminist!? We can have anything."
Lou," No, we can't. We can aspire to anything. But we don't get it just because we want it. I would rather spend my life close to the birds than waste it wishing I had wings."
Foreman," You're through the sigmoid, into the descending colon."
Kutner, SwitParkng on the light.
Thirteen, Advance toward the anastomosis.
Foreman," There, I see it."
Thirteen, [to Lou] Don't look down.
Foreman, Scalpel.
Cameron, So your last day is Friday.
Wilson, I'm gonna miss you.
Cameron, You shouldn't go.
Wilson," Did House ask you to talk to me, or are you trying to save the Patient? Because there'll always be another ÔøΩ"
Cameron, House asked me.
Wilson, And you're doing it.
Cameron, I told him to go to hell.
Wilson, Thanks. [He starts to leave.]
Cameron, But I think he's right. [He turns back.] You think you're making a rational choice. You think the worst is over. And then... Six months later you look back and you realize you didn't know what you were doing.
Wilson, Are you saying the pain doesn't go away?
Cameron," It gets easier. Not in two months. Not in two years. But no, it nEver really goes away."
Wilson, Being here! this building! I was just in the lounge. I kept staring at Amber's locker.
Cameron, I saw a guy wearing a scarf this morning. The color reminded me of his eyes. We lived 500 miles from here.
Wilson, I have to do something.
Cameron," Then do it. But don't think it's the right choice, because... There isn't one."
Taub, It's not a ganglioma. The pRoblem wasn't the surgery.
Thirteen, Abnormally deposited proteins. It's Amyloidosis. That would explain the blinking and the low heart rate.
Taub, Only way to treat Amyloidosis is to treat whatEver's causing it.
Foreman, It's not as if a lot of things cause Amyloid. Rheumatoid arthritis.
Kutner, Familial Mediterranean fEver.
Thirteen, Lymphoma.
Kutner," Well, we can't all be right."
Taub," But you can all be wrong. The Patient's joints don't hurt, abdominal pain went away when the fetus did, and no palpable lymph nodes."
Foreman, Got anything constructive to say? [He's pRobably upset that Taub has taken over his usual role in DDXs of criticizing Everyone else's ideas.]
Taub," Sorry. Sorry. [faux cheerful] Um, she has lots and lots of palpable lymph nodes, joint and abdominal pain. She'll be better by dinnertime. [serious again] If we don't find the cause of the Amyloidosis, we nEver get her off that wire, she nEver walks out of this hospital. [sighs] But hey, who needs House, hmm? So glad we lost those training wheels."
Wilson, You want me to make the call?
Foreman, There seems to be some disagreement.
Wilson, And this isn't just a pretext to pressure me into staying?
Foreman, Does it look like a pretext?
Wilson," No. She really is dying, isn't she? Inflammation, enlarged nuclei, some mitotic activity. It could be lymphoma."
Foreman, There are no palpable lymph nodes.
Wilson," It makes it less likely, but it doesn't rule it out. I'm an oncologist. I see cancer. Show it to an immunologist, they'll see autoimmune."
Foreman, I already showed it to an immunologist. We'll start her on chemo. [pause] You should leave. House doesn't want to lose his sidekick. Cuddy doesn't want to lose her check on House. No one's talking about what you want.
Wilson, It's not that I want to.
Foreman," Want to, need to. If there's any chance that being away from here will make your life Even a little bit easier, do it. That's what Everyone else here would do."
Thirteen, Don't expect anything to change too fast.
Lou, Lymphoma was your idea?
Thirteen, Why?
Lou, I feel better.
Thirteen, Sometimes just knowing you're being treated helps.
Lou, You've given me18 different treatments. This is the first one that made me feel better. I don't think it's psychological. Thank you.
Thirteen, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten angry at you. Your choices are your choices.
Lou, You're not like me. Maybe you have wings.
Thirteen," I have Huntington's Chorea. Dozen years or so, my nervous system, my cognitive skills, Even my emotional balance... they'll all start to fray. I won't be able to fly. I won't be able to walk. I won't be able to breathe."
Lou, And you want to make sure your life matters.
Thirteen, [nods] I don't want to just... be tightening bolts and following instructions. I want something... to be different because of me.
Lou," I am. Not just 'cause you saved my life. I'm applying for a job at a foundation, running the finance division. And I don't know if I'm gonna get it, but if I don't... There are other foundations."
House, It's almost 4:00. Soap time. [He reaches over the desk and grabs something.] Nurses' remote. Works in the doctors' lounge.
Cuddy, Why do you think Wilson's leaving?
House," How Many times do I have to use the word ""idiot""?"
Cuddy," And that's a good enough answer for you? WhenEver anyone does anything out of the norm, you have to tell them what screwed-up process is really at work in their head. That is why I locked the two of you in a room. So you would say something stupid and insensitive, and maybe with a little bit of truth. But you didn't. So I can only assume that you don't want to know the reason. You're afraid to know. [pause] You're not listening to me, are you?"
House, Try it sometime. You'll see why.
House, You look 37.
Lou, I am 37.
House, You looked 27 last week. Unless I blacked out for ten years. Your skin ÔøΩ
Taub, She's got lymphoma. The chemo's pRobably ÔøΩ
House, Stop the chemo.
Thirteen, She's getting better. Bradycardia's improving. We didn't need ÔøΩ
House, She have bruising? [He takes a syringe from a drawer.]
Thirteen, She was pounding her legs during the hallucinations.
House, It's not lymphoma.
Lou," Hey, don't ÔøΩ no, no, no."
House," My bad. Thought no meant yes. Those aren't bruises. They're mycobacterial lesions. She has diffuse lepromatous leprosy. Must have caught it on one of her overseas estrogen tours. Chemo wipes out some of the bacteria, she feels a little better. Wipes out most of her immune system, she gets a whole lot worse."
Lou, Leprosy? Like where my limbs fall off?
House," Actually, this is the flattering one. It's also known as ""pretty leprosy."" It doesn't disfigure, it makes your skin look younger, smoother. Don't let the girls hear. They'll all want to lick your face. Unless you're that kind of feminist. [to Taub and Thirteen] Blast her with antibiotics and prednisone. She'll be fine. [He looks at his watch.] Damn, it's after 4:00. I'm late. [He leaves.]"
Thirteen, Damn.
Lou, What?
Taub, She's happy you're gonna be fine. But she'd be happier if you were gonna be fine five minutes ago.
Thirteen, Tests confirmed Dr. House's diagnosis.
Lou, Thank God.
Thirteen," When you got pregnant, the physical stress triggered nodosum leprosum. A common complication of leprosy. Inflamed the nerves to your heart. Made it hard to absorb vitamins, scarred your fallopian tubes. It explains Everything."
Lou," Better prescribe me some skin cream too, huh?"
Thirteen, You might want it for those job interviews.
Lou," I'm going back on the road with Patty. My replacement flamed out. She says I can Manage some projects on my own, carve out more of a role."
Thirteen, Do you really think she can change?
Lou," I don't know. The truth is, I'm not sure I ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, You can change.
Lou," No. I'm not sure I want her to change. She's reasonable. She's just another employer, then I'm just... another employee. In a weird way, I matter."
House, I like you better now that you're dying.
Thirteen, I was wrong.
House, You took a shot.
Thirteen, She's going back to work for that idiot. It's pathetic.
House, You thought something would change?
Thirteen," She almost died because of that job. Yeah, I! I thought ÔøΩ"
House, Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes Everything.
House," I'm sorry. I know I didn't try to kill her. I know I didn't want her hurt. I know it was a freak accident. But I feel like crap, and she's dead because of me."
Wilson, I don't blame you. I wanted to. I tried to. I must have reviewed Amber's case file 100 times to find a way. But it wasn't your fault.
House," Then we're okay? I mean, I know you're not, but... Maybe I can help."
Wilson," We're not okay. Amber was nEver the reason I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you because! because I was trying, like I always do, to protect you. Which is the pRoblem. You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You Manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship. And I've enabled it. For years. The games, the binges, the middle-of-the-night phone calls. [He stops and rubs his eyes.] I should have been the one on the bus, not ÔøΩYou should have been alone on the bus. If I've learned anything from Amber, it's that I have to take care of myself. We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we Ever were."
Man," Bring it up about six more feet. Okay, you can go ahead and start dropping it."
Man, Whoa. Whoa!
Thirteen, Class is over.
Apple, What's going on? Who are you?
Thirteen, I'm a doctor. Did you have a corneal transplant five years ago?
Apple, Yes.
Thirteen, Every other Patient who had a transplanted organ from that donor is either dead or dying. You got a purse?
Apple, [gets her purse] I feel fine.
Thirteen," I don't mean to scare you, but so did the others."
Foreman," One living, one almost dead. Four fully dead. Nothing in common except their donor. Carl got a new heart and lung ÔøΩ liver kills him. Tibalt got a new liver, lung killed him. Holly got a new kidney, her heart blows up. And Frank, the old guy gasping for breath upstairs, he got an intestinal graft, his pancreas is failing. All within eight months of each other. And in each case, serious complications came on suddenly and without warning."
Kutner," Which means arrhythmia, massive pulmonary embolus, or cerebral bleed."
House, What did Wilson do for me?
Taub," [ignoring him] If the donor had an infection that somehow slipped by a screening, it could lay dorMant ÔøΩ"
Kutner, Five organ systems hit. Would need five infections for it to somehow slip by screening.
House," Oh, sure, he made me laugh on a rainy day, made me see the colors I nEver knew ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, None of the donated organs were hit. It means whatEver they got came from the donor's blood.
Kutner, That wouldn't help us narrow down what ÔøΩ
Thirteen, It narrows down who. Corneal transplants are bloodless. It means Apple's gonna be fine.
Foreman, You secure enough in that theory to send her home?
Thirteen, I guess we could wait till we figure out what's wrong with Frank.
House," On the other hand, Gilbert Gottfried makes me laugh. And how Many colors are there really? Once you got red, blue, and green ÔøΩ"
Kutner," He paid for your lunch, liked Monster Trucks, and was your conscience. Autoimmune disease."
Taub, ANA at autopsy of all four victims were normal.
Foreman, Wouldn't cover vasculitis. Henoch-Schonlein purpura ÔøΩ
Taub," Antiphospholipid antibodies, normal."
Thirteen, Then that leaves cancer.
Foreman, Cancers have names. They have a progression. They affect specific organs. Bone cancer can't turn into liver cancer. Forget cancer.
House, [getting up to leave] It's cancer.
Foreman, It's not cancer.
House," You're right, of course. What was I thinking?"
Foreman, No single type of cancer blew up three organs in the chest while also herniating in the fighter's brain stem.
House, The fighter's irrelevant.
Taub, You don't like coincidences.
House," It would be a coincidence if six transplant recipients had nothing else wrong with them ÔøΩ like being an idiot, which leads to getting your head knocked off. The others had cancer."
Foreman," Four autopsies and about 1,000 lab tests say it's not cancer."
House," Redo the thousand tests and the four autopsies. Taub and Kutner, check out the donor. Find out which cancer ÔøΩ"
Kutner, He didn't die of cancer. His head got chopped off in an industrial accident.
House," Find out which cancer would have killed him. Check the home and office for carcinogens, toxins ÔøΩ"
Taub, He's been dead for four years. I assume his home's been rented to someone else by now.
House, Find out which cancer killed them. [Foreman stands with his arms folded while the others leave.] Did I forget you? You can check out the Patient's eye.
House, Put this on Dr. O'Shea. [He reaches over Dr. O'Shea.] And some Parkps.
Shea," Forget your wallet, House?"
House, No.
Shea, [handing money to cashier] I'll take care of it.
House," [quietly, as he follows O'Shea toward the tables] Check."
Shea, Are you following me? [He sits at a table.]
House, Word is you're into monster trucks.
Shea, My kids like it.
House, But not you?
Shea," Predator's okay, but I think the California crusher is overrated. [House sits] Are you checking me out?"
House, You're astute. [He takes some pills.] No.
Shea, How Many pills did you just take?
House," Vicodin, opioids, some B12. Need a little kick in the afternoon. You got a pRoblem with that? [O'Shea ignores him and picks up some food from his tray.] I think I'm falling in love."
Foreman, [approaches] Her right eye's failing.
House," No, it's not. Everyone else's transplanted organs were fine. It means her eye is fine."
Foreman, We need to remove the eye.
House, It's her only working eye.
Foreman," We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane."
House, [to O'Shea] Do you have some ethical pRoblem with what I'm doing that you could express in a unique way which might actually make me think that I'm wrong Even though I'll nEver admit it?
Shea, Yes.
House, You are funny. [to Foreman] The pRoblem's not in her eye. It's in her head. [to O'Shea] You wanna come over and watch Prescription Passion at my place tonight?
Shea," You know I'm not gay, right?"
House," Neither am I. If you don't want to have sex, that's cool with me."
Shea, I'm not coming over to your home.
House, I'll grow on you.
Apple, L... P... E... Do I have to be in the same room as him?
House," WhatEver he's got, you've got. Fifth line."
Apple, Are you sure?
House, Pretty sure. Fifth line.
Apple, Am I gonna die?
House, Can we talk about something besides you for a moment? Like maybe the fifth line?
Apple, F... E... O... S... P. [The line is actually PECFD]
House, Damn.
Foreman, I'm sorry. We need to remove your eye.
Apple, My eye?
House," A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind's actually good news. Unfortunately, he's wrong."
Foreman, You just did the test.
House, She didn't squint. Which means the eye thinks it's fine.
Foreman, It was wrong.
House," I know. The eye doesn't think. The brain thinks, which means if the thinking's wrong, the brain's wrong. Which means it's spread to the brain, which means it's too late for us to remove the eye. Which means we're gonna have to remove your whole head. Don't worry. [He holds up a huge meat cleaver.] It doesn't hurt."
House," Hallucination. That's a brain thing, right?"
Foreman, 500 different things can cause hallucination. Doesn't mean it's neurological.
House, It does if one of the other organ recipients also had a brain issue. Did he just drop his hands? [They're watParkng film of the kick boxing fight.]
Thirteen," No, none of them had brain issues."
House," If his pupils dilated, if his pupils were fixed, if there was a twitch..."
Foreman," He got hit in the head, he died, no mystery. That was your point."
House," Yesterday. You live, you learn. Who shot this?"
Taub, Guy who runs the gym has a camera. Uploads the nasty stuff online.
House," Can't see the dead guy's face. I can't see his face. Can't see the twitch, can't see the pupils ÔøΩ"
Thirteen," We know the tennis player had a heart pRoblem. We can maybe tie that to the tuba player's lungs, and then somehow tie both those things, to the construction worker's liver, and then possibly meander over to Frank's pancreatic failure, but nothing causes simultaneous brain and heart pRoblems."
Taub, Cancer made no sense. The head and heart make less than no sense.
Lucas, [The coffee maParkne repairMan joins in.] That makes no sense.
Taub, I know. I was making a point.
Lucas," Oh, good. I thought you were an idiot."
Taub, Why are you talking?
Lucas," Oh, the guy doing Manual labor can't have an opinion? I might be a genius who just happens to have a passion for fixing coffee maParknes. No, I'm obviously not, but that's rude to make assumptions about people."
Kutner, [entering] Donor's history came up clean.
Lucas, Ha. Ha.
Kutner, Did he just laugh?
Lucas," No, no, I sneezed."
Taub, He's a genius coffee repairMan.
Kutner, Coffee repairMan wears argyle socks? [Taub looks]
Lucas, I thought I already talked about not judging.
House, What kind of idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?
Lucas," Uh, I'm not an idiot. I'm just! I'm not good at disguises."
Foreman, Who is he?
House, He's apparently a very bad private investigator.
Taub," Uh, why is he pretending to fix the coffee maParkne?"
House," Because I wanted to find out what you guys found out before I find out what he found out. So I can find out if I need a private investigator. So, nu?"
Kutner," The donor has no history of unusual infections, no international travel in the 12 months ÔøΩ"
Lucas," Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, seriously, that's how I sneeze. [They all look at him.] He was in Madrid and the Bahamas."
Kutner, Credit card receipts showed no ÔøΩ
Lucas, Girlfriend paid.
Kutner, There is no girlfriend.
Lucas, She was his high school sweetheart.
Kutner, High school sweetheart is married to his best friend.
Lucas, I know. Shhh. She had a kid four years ago. Timing fits. She's still pretty hot though.
Foreman, You found out anything medical?
Lucas," The kid has a tummy ache. Also, the dead guy was exposed to mercury, mold, and hydrous perchloric acid because their sex pad was next to a garage that was demolished after those toxins were found. Oh, yeah, that will be $2,300. [He pulls a sheet off a mini notepad and hands it to House.]"
House, I'll get you a check.
Lucas," No, I don't take checks."
House, You think I'm gonna stop payment?
Lucas, Aren't you?
House," Of course I am, $2,300 is insane."
Lucas," No, actually, that price includes footage of the boxing match from four different angles. 30% of the crowd paid by credit card. I got their names. Four of them had digital cameras, which I composited like NASA did for the pics of Mars. You know, the rovers and all that."
House, Pupils were dilated.
Foreman," But he didn't drop his hands, which means he maintained muscle tensity ÔøΩ"
House, Say it.
Foreman, You were right.
House," God, that was petty of me."
Foreman," He maintained muscle tensity, but was momentarily distracted when he got hit. That's a temporal lobe seizure."
Kutner, Does that PI guy mean we don't have to break into people's homes anymore?
House, It's the whole reason you went to medical school. I'm not gonna take that away from you.
Taub, He's better than we are.
House, And costs more. Gonna biopsy the brain.
Foreman, No.
House, Say it.
Foreman," You were right, but no."
House," Temporal lobe controls speech, hearing, memory. She loses those things, she's gonna be a terrific date, but beyond that ÔøΩ"
Taub," We cut out a piece of it, good chance she's a vegetable. Nothing to hear, nothing to say, nothing to look back on."
House, You're right. She has so much to live for. [They're standing outside the Patient room. They look at Apple.] Do we have another Patient who's almost finished with all their living? [House moves a couple of steps down so they're looking at Frank.]
Thirteen, So it's okay to stab his brain because he's old?
House," No, it's okay to stab his brain because he's dead if you don't. Get the widow to say yes."
s Wife, No.
Taub," The lung inflammation is a complication of the pancreatic failure, which is rEversible. This is actually his best chance. If we can find out what's wrong..."
s Wife, How can a test that will pRobably kill him ÔøΩ
Taub, I didn't say ÔøΩ
s Wife, You said it was extremely risky. What does extremely mean?
Apple, [who has been listening] Please.
s Wife, I'm sorry. I can't.
Apple, I have a husband. I have a two-year-old daughter. Her name is Julia. You'd be saving her mother.
s Wife, I think you're lying. You haven't had one visitor. Not one phone call since you've been here [to Taub] Does she have a Parkld?
Taub, No. But her life is still worth ÔøΩ
s Wife, More than my husband's?
Apple, I lied to save my life. Wouldn't you?
s Wife, Not at another huMan being's expense.
Apple," No, you'd just Rob me of my only chance so your husband can struggle to breathe for a few more days."
s Wife, Just shut up. [The beepers on Frank's monitors start going off.] I don't want to hear from you.
Taub, Ladies.
Apple, You want to hate me so you won't feel guilty.
Taub, Shut up!
s Wife, Frank?
Taub, Give me a scalpel.
s Wife, Frank.
Taub, He's coding. [The nurse hands him the defibrillator paddles.] Clear. [zap] Clear. [zap] Clear. [zap]
s Wife, Frank!
Taub, Clear. [zap] Clear. [zap] Clear.
House, Did you get the consent?
Taub, No.
House, Tell Foreman to get it. Old people are scared of black people.
Taub, It won't matter. Patient's dead.
House, Save the brain. Don't need consent for an autopsy.
House," Well, at best, we're gonna bat one for six on this one."
Taub, Thin slices through the parietal and temporal lobes were clean. Occipital and frontotemporal regions were also ÔøΩ
House, Brain's clean. Moving on.
Thirteen," To where? We've gone from making no sense, to making less sense, and then taken a step backwards."
Taub, Each of these people were killed by one thing that attacked one organ. But nEver the same organ.
Kutner, Could the donor have had two things wrong?
Taub, Or six things wrong?
House," Metabolic diseases specialize. Everything else specializes, but cancer plays the field."
Foreman, You're back to cancer?
House, Metastasis is just a fancy word for screws around.
Taub, Any type of cancer?
House, I don't know.
Foreman, There would be evidence of cancer.
House, There is. We just haven't found it yet.
Foreman, You need it to be cancer so you have an excuse to talk to Wilson.
House," Give me something else that explains this constellation of Patients, then you can call me an ass."
Foreman, I didn't call you an ass.
Kutner," Perforated intestine. If this thing started as normal bacteria living in the intestines but got into a blood vessel through a vascular anomaly in the bowel wall, then they would affect Every organ through the blood stream. It screws up Everything. For Everyone."
House," Okay. It's a long shot. It is possible that I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm."
Taub," We checked Apple inside and out when she came in, she's clean."
Kutner, The anomaly would have to be intermittent or they all would have died within a day.
House," She starts getting abdominal pain, shove a tube up her rear before it can get away. And test anyone else with stomach pain."
Thirteen, Everyone else is dead.
House, Not Everyone. The one thing the donor gave to each of these people is his DNA. Anyone else have his DNA?
Taub, You want to do a colonoscopy on a healthy four-year-old?
House," She has a tummy ache. If Kutner's right, it's not a tummy ache, it's a fatal brain or heart or lung or liver or pancreas ache."
Thirteen, I'm not gonna scare the hell out of the poor kid's mom because of a long shot corollary to a long shot theory.
House, Fine. Tell her the truth. Then ask if daddy knows who the real daddy is.
Mom, Does she have to be awake?
Thirteen, We need her to tell us when it hurts. She'll get over it. Your husband might not have...
House, What if a kid wants ice cream?
Lucas, The sign outside says 'closed'. Dr. O'Shea's not right for you.
House, What'd you find out?
Lucas, Why are you investigating him?
House, 'Cause I need to know if he lends money interest-free. What did you find out?
s Voice, I want some ice cream.
Lucas, [shouting back] Not until you learn to read. [to House] You're supposed to trust friends.
House, I don't know the guy. I got no logical reason ÔøΩ
Lucas, To be his friend? Have you nEver seen an after-school special? That is part of the pleasure of friendship: trusting without absolute evidence and then being rewarded for that trust.
House, You're taking pictures of a guy who's having an affair with his own sister. And you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust.
Lucas," There are two types of people that hire me. No, actually, there are three types of people that hire me, but the third type's irrelevant to the point I want to make."
House, Do you have a special rate plan for being a pain in the ass?
Lucas, One type wants to find out that they're right. One type wants to find out that they're wrong.
House, Which type am I?
Lucas, You're the third type.
House, You lead with the irrelevant types?
Lucas, You're the type that doesn't care if you're right or wrong because they've hired me to investigate the wrong person.
House, That's an actual type?
Lucas, You want me to check out Wilson. You want to find out if he's ÔøΩ
House, How do you know about Wilson?
Lucas, What do I do for a living?
House, You checking me out? Have I been paying for that?
Lucas," So far, you haven't paid for anything. You want to find out he's pining. You want to find out if there's something about him that will tell you he's gonna come back or something you can use to make him come back."
House," [House thinks, then looks away as he asks] Is there?"
Lucas," No, no, there's nothing. Sorry. [long pause] That will be $900."
House, I gotta go. I'll get you a check.
Kutner, Colonoscopy was clean.
House, Then that just leaves cancer.
Foreman, The fact that the kid's colonoscopy was negative doesn't prove anything.
House," Yes, the fact that it didn't prove anything didn't prove anything. Excellent point."
Foreman," We don't know if the kid inherited anything. Even if she did, Kutner's theory is that the thing's intermittent."
Kutner, The opening would have to be open shortly before death.
House," Unfortunately, we can't know when shortly before death is until shortly after death. And that seems like an obstacle."
Kutner, What if there was a way around that?
House, Then we're kind of all sweating over nothing.
Kutner," Not around death, around death as an obstacle. We need to see his colon at work."
ForMan," You do know what death means, right?"
Kutner," Without a living system, there's not enough pressure to get fluid all the way up. Life we can't create, yet, but pressure's easy. We use the same high-pressure water jet we use to test cardiac workload. I mean, he's not gonna be awake to tell us where it hurts ÔøΩ"
Foreman, It's not gonna ÔøΩ
House, Do it.
Kutner, It's kinda stuck.
Foreman," It's more than stuck. The bowel's been dead for six hours. No matter what you shoot up there, it's closed. [Kutner plays with the maParkne, trying higher pressure.] This is nuts."
Kutner, It's adjustable. [He reinserts the tube.] It's working.
Foreman, Yeah. Wow. But not much. Increase the pressure.
Kutner, The endoscope's bowing. Push on the stomach?
Kutner, Those are normal bodily fluids.
Foreman," Yeah, normal bodily sewage."
Kutner, Put the pressure back on. [Foreman does.] That's the end. No leaks.
Foreman, [looking at screen] Wait. What's that?
Kutner, That's just dark 'cause I'm at the end.
Foreman, What if you're not at the end? What if it's a core lesion?
Kutner, Maybe a little more pressure? [He starts fidgeting with the maParkne again.]
Foreman, Not too much. If it's the end and we ÔøΩ [Frank explodes all over Foreman.]
Thirteen, It's finally accelerating. Apple's heart rate has become irregular. Breathing is labored. Colonoscopy's still showing no leaks.
Taub, What if it is autoimmune?
House, What if we don't have conversations we've already had? Four out of the five didn't linger. They got sick and died. We don't have time to dismiss things we've already dismissed.
Kutner, Nothing fits.
House," See, that's an example of a conversation we've already had. She's sick. Something fits."
Foreman, MS?
House," [exasperated] No! Okay, from now on, no one says anything unless no one's said it before."
Foreman, Where are you going?
House, You guys start immuno-gels on her CSF to look for hidden protein markers. Then start sequencing her genes. I'm gonna start treatment. [He gets his jacket from the coat rack and opens the door.]
Foreman, Treatment for what?
House, Cancer.
Thirteen, It's not cancer. Chemo's toxic.
House, It's something. Which means we should treat her for something.
House, She's fine. Where's her chart?
Nurse, You rang emergency to get her chart?
House," I know. That was bad of me. But I'm pretty sure the chart's supposed to be attached to the bed so that gimp doctors don't have to look all over the place while Patients die. [She picks up the chart from the table past the curtains and gives it to him.] Thank you so much. And some peppermint tea when you get a chance. [She gives him a ""look""ÔøΩ and leaves.]"
Apple, You found cancer?
House, No.
Apple, Then you have tests indicating ÔøΩ
House, Nope.
Apple, Then why should I sign it?
House," That's a good question. It deserves a compliCated answer. Placebo effect. People have confidence in doctors. They have confidence in diagnoses, confidence in medicine. Sometimes they get a little better just because they think they will. And that can make us think that the wrong answer is the right answer. Which is very bad."
Apple, So you do have proof that it's cancer but you can't tell me because it might affect the way I react to the medicine?
House," If that were true, and it would certainly make sense, do you think I could tell you that it's true? [enormous wink. She signs.]"
Apple, I was practically blind before the transplant ÔøΩ 20/200 vision.
House, Didn't you cover all this personal stuff with Dr. Foreman?
Apple, You don't care who I used to be?
House, You're a post-corneal transplant math teacher. I deduced that you were a blind math teacher.
Apple, I was an arParktect.
House, [interested] You gave up arParktecture after you could see?
Apple, The world was ugly. You think the world would be any different if your leg was fine?
House, No.
Apple," Think you'd be any different if your leg was fine? I mean, the doctors told me that my life was gonna be so much better once I could see. I would date, I would dance, but, uh, the guys I hated dancing with before I hate dancing with after. My parents were still dead. I was still alone."
House, You're fun.
Apple, You don't seem all that different.
House, I haven't given up. [He leaves.]
Lucas," Wilson's got a new job, hasn't started yet, but ÔøΩ"
House, So who are we following?
Lucas, See that lady up there?
House, You point at the target?
Lucas," No, I'm following the one halfway in between that point and that point."
House, [House focuses on the target with his cane.] Pretty. Who hired you?
Lucas, No one. I just like her.
House, You're stalking her?
Lucas," No, no, I followed her out of that bookstore back there."
House," You are stalking her, just not for very long. So what else can you tell me that I might care about?"
Lucas, He attends this grief counseling thing twice a week where they go around the room and cry about who's dead. Cameron's been to his House sEveral times. They just talk about death and losing loved ones.
House," What!? [He turns to join Lucas.] If she turns her head, she's gonna see that we're walking the wrong direction."
Lucas," No, no, no, she won't. I'm very nondescript."
House," Well, I'm not."
Lucas," Well, then you stay four feet behind me."
House, How do you know what they're talking about?
Lucas, I'm in the same grief counseling group. I recently lost my mother.
House, You'd get laid more often if you told them you lost a kid.
Lucas, I didn't lose a kid.
House, You're a PI who can't lie?
Lucas," I can lie. I'm just not all that good at it. Well, Dr. Cuddy's been over to Wilson's twice and phoned a bunch of times. Foreman called him. And the rest of the time Wilson's been reading meditation books and magazines about restoring barns."
Target, [turns and walks back to them] Are you following me?
House and Lucas, No.
Target, Are you lying?
House, [simultaneously] No.
Lucas, [simulataneously] Yes.
House, Lesson one: Commit.
Target, It's making me uncomfortable.
Lucas, Sorry. [She starts walking away.] You're very pretty.
Target, [over her shoulder as she continues walking] More uncomfortable.
House, She's not your type. Your type is much stupider than her. What did Wilson say about me?
Lucas," Oh, you've nEver come up."
House, In the grief counseling or in the other ÔøΩ
Lucas," Anywhere, I got three bugs in his home and one in his car. If I didn't know you, I wouldn't Even know you existed. [House looks stunned.] Which is good news. Only two things you ignore ÔøΩ things that aren't important and things you wish weren't important. And wishing nEver works."
Foreman, She's better.
House, I could tell at once.
Foreman," Vomiting's a side effect of the chemo. Her heart rate's stabilized, breathing's good. Amylase and triglycerides are both coming down."
Apple, I guess it's working.
Foreman, Can't beliEve it. It's cancer.
House, It's not cancer.
House, Labs show that our Patient is healthier. She's gonna get sicker. Then she's gonna die. I brought Thai food.
Foreman, What did you see in her?
House, Nothing. It's not cancer. All the tests say it's not cancer. They've always said it's not cancer.
Foreman, Treatment proves it's cancer.
House," Eh, treatment proves it could be cancer. It's not cancer."
Taub, This was your diagnosis.
House, I nEver thought it was cancer.
Foreman, You treated for cancer.
House," I thought that what she had acted like cancer. If it acts like cancer, maybe it'll respond like cancer."
Thirteen, It did. 'Cause it's cancer.
House," We have to find something that walks like cancer, talks like cancer, tastes like cancer, [pops some food in his mouth] but isn't cancer."
Kutner," No, we don't. Better is better. Who cares why?"
House, I do. And so does Tetrault.
Thirteen, Who?
House, The dead tuba player.
Thirteen, Tibalt.
House," The point is, he died last, but he died. Which means she's gonna die too."
Foreman, Tibalt wasn't receiving cancer medication.
House, There's a cancer drug that's used off-label for arthritis.
Kutner, There's no record of arthritis.
House, Did you interview all the tuba students?
Thirteen," If he had joint pain in his hands, he couldn't have played."
House, Then it wasn't in his hands.
Taub, Then why do we care about his students?
House, One of them is Canadian. Brought him methotrexate so he could hide his arthritis. Already couldn't afford his insurance. And that little piece of business cost me $700. I'm gonna pass it on to the Patient with a steep mark-up.
Foreman, This makes no sense.
House," I know. She's dead unless we can find what's cancer... but not cancer. [They all think, silently.] Something's missing."
House," I need an epiphany. [Wilson stares at him, tight-lipped.] What are you billing out at, $300 an hour? Here's four."
Wilson, There are other oncologists.
House," Better oncologists. But I need you. [He balls up the money and throws it past Wilson into the apartment.] Let me describe the symptoms, pRoblems, issues, and you say whatEver you feel like saying, until something triggers an idea in my head."
Wilson, That's not the way it works.
House," You have a way of thinking about things. It's sloppy, it's undisciplined, it's not very linear. It complements mine. It drives me down avenues that I wouldn't otherwise ÔøΩ"
Wilson," House, please go away."
House," Cancer, but not cancer. Responds to cancer treatment, but there's no ÔøΩ [Wilson tries to close the door but House blocks it.] How are you?"
Wilson, Don't do this. Please. Please. Don't do this. I'm trying to move on.
House," By hanging out with Cameron, talking to Cuddy, Foreman, but not me. I! [short, mirthless laugh] I paid a private investigator to spy on you."
Wilson, [sighs] You didn't.
House," You want to move on from me, you got to deal with me, talk to me."
Wilson, You had no right ÔøΩ
House," We're not friends anymore. There's no trust to be breached. I can have you followed, I can call you names, tell your secrets. [They look at each other.] Foreman did a CT. Temporal and frontoparietal regions are normal. Occipital lobe, normal."
Wilson," I have the right to walk away from you, House. There's a world beyond you. You need to realize that, and Even if you don't, I'm moving on. The next time you knock, I'm not answering."
House, Nothing yet. Keep talking.
Lucas, I'm sorry.
House, You charge me for listening in on my own conversations?
Lucas," Yeah, why wouldn't I?"
House, How Many friends do you have?
Lucas,17
House, Seriously? You have a list?
Lucas," No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought."
House, Well done. I have one. Had one.
Lucas," You know, friends are important. You're gonna missÔøΩ"
House, Shut up. Friends allow you to not sit in a room by yourself. Are you charging me for this?
Lucas, Are we friends?
House, No.
Lucas, Then yes.
House, Do you wanna be my friend?
Lucas, No. You scare me a little.
House," He thinks if he's not a friend, he can't talk to me. We can talk, we can be two huMan beings talking ÔøΩ"
Lucas, I'm with him. Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.
House," Yes, you did. I was in the middle of a sentence."
Lucas," Yes, I did. You're repeating yourself."
House, I'm grateful. Make your point.
Lucas," It's like that ""cancer, but not cancer"" thing you were talking about before. Friends are friends, customers are customers, and Everything else is Everything else. If it's not, nothing's nothing."
House, And anything can be anything. [looks at his watch] 10:10. Stop the clock. [He starts walking away.]
Lucas, What?
House, The world is not as ugly as she thinks it is.
House," Cancer, but not cancer. Doesn't make any sense unless... [He pulls an x-ray from a folder.] Brain, but not brain. Occipital lobe's normal. But her eyes suck. That lobe should be compensating. Since it's not, that tells me that something's in there that shouldn't be in there. Brain, but not brain."
Cuddy, Why are you in my office?
House," To find the anomaly, I need to chop off the top of her head. Pretty sure I need your approval for that."
Cuddy, I'm gonna trust your first instinct.
House, I'm not usually confused when you say things like that.
Cuddy," I'm ordering her cancer treatment to be continued. [Holds up a bill.] Why does it cost $2,300 to fix a coffee maParkne?"
House," Cancer stem cells are real. They explain Everything. They're like embryonic stem cells. They become whatEver they want. Donor had them, the recipients got them. They floated around, they landed on an organ, got bathed in cytomes and partially differentiated. And the key word there is partially. In the tuba player, they became lung, but not lung. In the tennis player, they became heart, but not heart. Stop me if you've figured out the pattern. They looked as if they belonged, but they weren't doing their jobs. And when they were really needed, boom. Chemo worked because cells are basically tumors. Chemo shrunk them. [He looks at her.] You're still gonna say no, aren't you?"
Cuddy, You've no proof.
House, I have the brain scan.
Cuddy, The normal brain scan.
House, This is why I need to take off her head.
Cuddy, To treat or to prove you're right?
House," To treat. Chemo's not killing anything. It's just hiding the real pRoblem. She's gonna crash. If we wait until she does crash, it might be too late."
Cuddy," So the next step is what? I say no, and then you do something to make her crash so that I'll think you've proven your theory?"
House, I would nEver do that.
Cuddy," No, you won't."
Male Nurse, She's crashing!
House," [on intercom from observation area] You might want to check her IV. From here, it looks like saline instead of chemo."
Chase," Yeah, they look identical."
House, Still. You should pRobably check.
Chase, You switched her meds?
House, How could I? I had no access.
Chase, [to the neurosurgeon] Close her back up.
House, Do the surgery.
Chase, There's no reason to ÔøΩ
House, No reason not to. The stupidly dangerous part is already over with.
Surgeon, We're ready with the neural net.
Lucas, Is that someone's brain?
House, Except for the part that isn't brain.
Lucas," Hey, that's the Patient I ÔøΩ You said she'd be fine."
House, I'm a better liar than you are.
Lucas," I swapped her meds. I mean, she's got a brain pRoblem. I coulda killed her."
House," Yup. The neural net will show us how fast her neurons are firing. If there's something in the way, say... Brain that's not brain, the normal neural impulses will be sucked into a vortex because they're unable to do their job. The computer will then process it and give us a picture of where to cut."
Lucas, Cool.
House, Excuse me?
Lucas," Sorry, I thought that's what you wanted to hear. You think all this is amazingly cool. And you have no one else, so you're paying a guy to listen. Sorry ÔøΩjust trying to save you some cash."
House, I'm on the clock.
Lucas," Yeah, why wouldn't you be? You think this is interesting to me?"
Chase, House?
House, [looks at monitors next to him.] I see it. Can you get it?
Surgeon, I think so.
House, Turns out you didn't kill her.
Lucas," Cool. You owe me $5,000."
Apple," Why are you just standing there, Dr. House?"
House, How'd you know who it is?
Apple, I can smell you.
House," Yeah, like you're a field of roses. [He pushes the emergency buzzer for the nurses. The same two enter.] Peppermint tea."
Nurse, You Ever hear of the boy who cried wolf?
House," NEver really bought that. I don't care how often a kid cries, he's being eaten by a wolf, mom's gonna come running. [The nurses leave. To Apple.] The world is ugly. People kill. They go hungry. [He buzzes again. Just one nurse comes in.] Just proving a point. [She leaves.] People are asses."
Apple, Why are you telling me this stuff?
House," Because the world is not as ugly as you think it is. Your transplanted cornea's fine, your eye is fine, but your brain wasn't working right. I'm gonna take the gauze off your eyes now. It's gonna be bright."
Apple, I know.
House," The brain cells that weren't brain cells were in the way of processing visual information correctly. After the transplant, you could see, but not see."
Apple, I could see. I could read.
House," Yeah, but it was dull, or foggy, or gray. I don't know. What I do know is that you were not seeing what Everyone else was seeing."
Apple, And now? Things are gonna be... beautiful?
House, Things'll be what they are. [He removes the last of the bandages.] How do I look?
Apple, You look sad.
House, Hey. Is there any way I could put you on retainer?
Susan, I still can't beliEve you talked me into this.
Anthony," [chuckling] Come on, Honey. You're gonna throw him off."
Brandon, It's okay. I'm almost done. A little more light on your hips.
Susan," [grimacing] Oh, God. Why couldn't you have come up with this before I had two kids?"
Anthony, [chuckling] You look amazing.
Brandon," Okay, I think! yeah, I'm done. Wanna come take a look?"
Susan, I can't. You first. [They both giggle.]
Anthony," No, we'll look together."
Susan, I don't understand. I! I thought ÔøΩ
Anthony, What the hell is that?
Susan, Honey. It's okay.
Anthony," This is not what we discussed, or what I paid for."
Brandon, I don't understand. I think this is one of the best I've Ever done.
Anthony, I want my money back.
Brandon," I'm sorry, but this is not some department store photo studio."
Anthony, [pointing] And this is not my wife.
Brandon," Yes, it is. You asked me to paint her exactly as she looks. That's exactly what I did."
Susan," Honey! Oh, stop it!"
Heather, [running down from the loft] What's going on? Brandon!
Anthony, That check! better be in my mailbox by Friday. Or I'll be back. [to Susan] Come on!
Heather, [to Brandon] What happened?
Brandon, [sitting up and wiping blood from his nose] I don't know. They saw the painting and they just freaked out.
Heather," [picking up the canvas] Brandon, what is this?"
Brandon," What do you mean? It's her portrait. [She looks at him, puzzled.] What's wrong with it?"
House, Why's this in here?
Lucas," First column, last entry."
House, [looks at it and smiles] Today is going to be a good day.
Cuddy, This him?
House, [simultaneously] No.
Lucas, Yes.
House, She means are you the private investigator whose bills I've tried to slip through as medical expenses?
Lucas," Oh. [standing] Hi. I'm Lucas Douglas, PI."
Cuddy," This hospital's not putting a private investigator on retainer. Nor is it gonna pay any more phony repairs on vending maParknes, cryostats, or elevators."
House, Information saves lives. Saving lives saves money.
Cuddy," No, saving lives costs money, which is why I'm trying to make sure there's still some left! You want your own personal PI, you're gonna have to pay for him yourself. [to Lucas] Sorry."
Lucas," No, I understand. Hey, I! I like the shoes, by the way."
Cuddy, [leaving] Uh! thank you.
House, You don't like her shoes. You like her legs.
Lucas, It sounds less creepy if you say shoes.
House," Less creepy, more gay."
Lucas, That's my firm's motto. What is a cryostat?
House, No idea. WhoEver fixed ours is about to get stiffed. [He balls up one of the sheets of paper and tosses it in the trash can. Two points.]
Thirteen, There's no distorted perspective in any of his other recent works.
Taub," Not much talent, either."
Foreman, So the symptoms just came on. Acute onset visual agnosia points to a stroke or brain tumor.
Taub, MRI rEvealed no stroke or brain tumor.
Foreman, We should do another with contrast.
Thirteen," If he's like the other struggling artists I've known, he's also into drugs. We should! [to House] What are you looking at?"
House," Apparently, a moron. One, ER routinely tests for drugs. If it was positive, we wouldn't be looking at this file. Two, who pays 12% interest on a car loan?"
Thirteen, How did you ÔøΩ? Did you run a credit check on me?
House," No. That would be illegal. Interestingly enough, paying someone to run it for me, though! [The entire team looks annoyed.] What? It's part of my job."
Thirteen, Your job is to diagnose Patients.
House," Which I do with the team. How am I supposed to know how best to utilize that team if I don't know Everything about them? Say that Van Gogh turns out to have neurosyphilis, and our last vial of penicillin is in a storeroom at the end of a 20-mile hallway with a two-foot high ceiling."
Taub, You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?
House," No. I would nEver out someone's super powers. [He wheels his chair to his desk and gives Thirteen a pile of papers that was there.] This, on the other hand!"
Thirteen, [to Kutner] You crawled 20 miles?
Kutner, My name's in the Guinness book.
Taub, I'll bet that really impresses the babes.
Kutner, I didn't do it to get the babes.
Taub, No. That would cheapen the purity of your aParkEvement.
Foreman," Sorry to interrupt, but we have a Patient with a pRobable brain tumor."
Taub," Who needs an MRI with contrast, we've established that. What do you got on Taub?"
House, I got nothing on Taub.
Thirteen," Could also be environmental. We should check his studio for toxins, mold, fungus."
House," Taub's wife, on the other hand!"
Foreman, House. That's enough.
House, Dad's right. This is no time for gossip. A Patient desperately needs our help. Check his head and his House.
Kutner, Can't Lucas ÔøΩ
House, [grabbing report out of Thirteen's hand] Nope. He's very busy.
Foreman," If there is a tumor, this test will show us ÔøΩ"
Brandon, Is that stuff dangerous?
Thirteen, This is just the contrast material. There is a small risk of an anaphylactic reaction.
Brandon, I could stop breathing?
Foreman, Don't worry. We're prepared to deal with whatEver happens.
Brandon," You know, I did some drawings this morning, and they seemed fine. So maybe it was just a reaction to something I ate."
Foreman, How Many people you know have reactions like that to something they ate for breakfast?
Brandon, But if I'm getting better!
Foreman," You'll continue to get better. If you're not, we need to know why not so we can start treatment immediately."
Heather," Baby, let them do the test."
Kutner, Can lead poisoning cause visual agnosia?
Taub," Not without lead showing up in the blood work. [enters from another room] Nothing in the medicine cabinet except some harmless toiletries. No signs of mold or fungus anywhere, either."
Kutner, You think House really got something on your wife?
Taub, No. Not that I'd care if he did.
Kutner," Wait, your wife's doing the doorMan in your bed, and they're sweating all over the sheets that you paid for and ÔøΩ"
Taub, My wife's not doing the doorMan.
Kutner, How do you know?
Taub," We don't have a doorMan. And I just do, okay? Drop it."
Kutner," In college, my friends and I came up with an inverse-square law."
Taub, Sounds like a real fun group.
Kutner, The girls who you think are the most inhibited! straight arrows! They're the ones you hook up with.
Taub, Are you saying my wife's a slut?
Kutner," I'm saying if my wife was a slut, I'd wanna know."
Kutner, His place was clean.
House," So is his head. Even with contrast, no masses, no lesions. A neurological symptom with no apparent neurological cause."
Foreman, Time course means we can rule out cancer and MS.
House, Just leaves toxins or drugs.
Taub, You called Thirteen a moron for thinking it was drugs.
House," Yeah. When she said it, she had other options. And I really just wanted to segue into her stupid loan and your ÔøΩ"
Foreman," A cavernous angioma in the brain could leak. Once the blood gets reabsorbed, the pressure goes down, the symptom goes away."
Thirteen, He'll nEver consent to petrosal vein sampling.
House, Really?
Thirteen, He was nervous about an injection of contrast.
House," Is his girlfriend hot? I'm not talking fEver here. I mean, is she all curvy and perky?"
Thirteen," Very! and if he dies, it's good news for all of us, but ÔøΩ"
House, That explains why all his paintings suck. And what's wrong with him. [He starts to leave.]
Thirteen, Where are you going?
House, To tell him he may have a massive brain tumor.
Thirteen, He doesn't.
House, I know. I'm not a moron. It's drugs.
House, You seem to have a massive brain tumor.
Brandon, Who are you?
Thirteen, [entering] He's Dr. House. He's pleased to meet you.
House," We found no trace on any of your imaging, so we need to cut your head open. It's risky, but it's the only way to save your life."
Brandon, No.
House, Wrong answer.
Brandon, I'm not allowed to say no?
House," You're not allowed to not be terrified. There's only two good reasons not to be terrified in a hospital. You're delusional. But then you're not afraid of contrast material either. Or you know you're fine. Since we haven't told you you're fine, you obviously have information that we don't have. What drugs are you on?"
Thirteen, His drug tests were clean.
House, Drug tests only test for drugs they've made tests for.
Thirteen, What are you talking about?
House," Hottie thinks that he's a great artist, selling art to the rich and tasteful. She's stupid enough to be fooled by the canvases, but bank accounts don't lie. He needed money. [to Brandon] There's not Many jobs you can do that don't require time, training, and intelligence. And I know you're not a news anchor or a supermodel, 'cause those jobs seldom cause agnosia. [to Thirteen] He's a guinea pig. Companies pay him to test their untested drugs. [pause. Brandon doesn't say anything.] Did hottie go for a pee or coffee? Either way, I don't think we should waste any time on denials."
Brandon, The clinical trials were supposed to be safe. The drugs are about to be approved by the FDA.
Thirteen, Drugs? How Many trials are you on?
Brandon, Three.
House," Admirable. Not Many idiots have that much ambition. You've been symptom-free since your admission, so whatEver you took has pRobably cleared your system now. You'll be fine. [to Thirteen] Keep him overnight, just to make sure, and get the names of all the trials he's been in. [He starts to leave.]"
Brandon, You gonna tell Heather?
House," [as he's closing the door] Couldn't, Even if I cared enough to want to."
House, Not bad. You almost made it the whole day.
Taub, What'd you find out?
House, The point is to see how Everyone reacts. Let me go get the rest of the gang.
Taub," Cut the crap, House."
House, Your wife has a separate bank account in her name only. She's been making weekly cash deposits for about a year now. No withdrawals! yet.
Taub, That's it? A bank account?
House, A secret bank account.
Taub, What makes you think it's a secret?
House," Because if it wasn't, you'd call it ""the"" bank account."
Taub," Damn. Always forget to use the right article when lying. It's not secret. We're refurnishing. We set the budget, set up an account. I just couldn't make it to the bank the day we opened it."
House," You're spending almost $100,000 on furniture?"
Taub, [carefully] Yes.
Taub, What happened?
Foreman," I don't know. He was fine, then all of a sudden, he started seizing."
Heather, He said you told him he was better. What's happening? What's wrong with him?
House, She is hot.
House, Obviously the drugs weren't out of his system.
Kutner," None of these drugs, nor the drugs that they're derived from, are known for causing seizures."
House," By themselves, no. But three unproven, untested drugs? It's like the mod squad. No one could stop them."
Kutner, Ridiculous that they let people take potentially dangerous drugs for money.
House," Just to short-circuit that discussion, people should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save Parkldren and puppies. Ergo, we need desperate people. Ergo, welfare kills sick Parkldren."
Thirteen, First drug ÔøΩ
House," Why don't we call it bisexidrine? [The others stare at him.] Clinical trials involve experimental drugs. Means they don't have comforting, catchy names yet. Just random, unmemorable trial numbers. [to Thirteen] Go ahead."
Thirteen," Bisexidrine is designed as an anticoagulant. Phase one indiCated some risk of nausea, ED and insomnia. Second drug."
House, Cuckoldisol.
Kutner, She is having an affair?
House, Worse. Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional. Can be easily regretted. Money is always a calculated decision.
Taub, My wife has her own bank account that House doesn't think I know about.
House, Shocking. Discuss.
Foreman, Drug B is an autoimmune treatment. Almost no side effects.
Taub," But Even if it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, it doesn't mix well with anticoagulants or anticonvulsives."
Kutner, Which is the third drug?
House," Worldssorestkneesisil. [Kutner smiles] Cuddy used to have that title, by the way."
Foreman," There's a million ways these drugs could interact if they're doing what they're supposed to. If they're not, two million."
House," And it'd be interesting to know which of those interactions was causing the pRoblem. Unfortunately, we don't have to. We just have to stop the interacting."
Kutner, If we don't know which ÔøΩ
House, Stop them all. Put him on dialysis. Clear out his system.
Taub," Rapid detox risks arrhythmia, another seizure, hepatic failure."
House," Difference is, we know what those risks are. Put him on dialysis."
Brandon," Dialysis. Use that for kidney failure, right?"
Thirteen, Don't worry. Your kidneys are fine.
Taub, He's not worried about his kidneys. He's worried about how he's going to explain the dialysis to his girlfriend.
Brandon, I just don't want her to worry.
Thirteen, You mean you don't want her to leave you?
Brandon," What's wrong with that? I love her. It's not like I've lied to her about anything important. I am an artist. I've sold plenty of paintings in the past. It's just! I've hit a bit of a dry spell lately, is all."
Thirteen, So tell her that.
Taub, He can't. He wants her to be happy too. He's telling her what she wants to hear.
Thirteen, You didn't know?
Taub, No.
Thirteen, What are you gonna do?
Taub, She's not sleeping around. She's not gambling it away. She hasn't Even spent any of it. So I don't see a reason to do anything.
Thirteen, You don't think a conversation might ÔøΩ
Taub, How Many people do you know in completely happy and fulfilled relationships?
Thirteen, [thinks] None.
Taub, I am. Most people cling to some storybook notion of what a relationship is. You can't have an imperfect thought. You can't have a private zone. You can't ÔøΩ
Thirteen, Steal money and hide it away in a secret account?
Taub, She makes me happy. I make her happy. It works. Because we don't do storybook. And I don't plan to poke into her business.
Taub, You were right about the dialysis. He made it through the night without any more seizures or visual symptoms.
House, And I am going to be just as right after breakfast up in my office. The only difference is I'm gonna be right in front of other people. Which means you're not here to talk about the medicine.
Taub," You can screw with me all you want at work, but stay out of my personal life."
House, What did she say?
Taub, Did you just hear what I said?
House," I heard the part about ""you can screw with me at work all you want.""ÔøΩWant my advice?"
Taub, Of course not.
House," Good, 'cause I have no idea what you should do. I only know what you're going to do. You're gonna ÔøΩ"
Taub, I said I didn't want your advice.
House," I said this is not advice. You are going to forgive her for opening that account, and you're going to confess Everything you've done, and then you're gonna beg her to forgive you."
Taub, What purpose could that possibly serve?
House, None. Which is why I'm not saying you should. But you will.
Lucas, What's your end game?
House, Where are you?
Lucas, [in the clinic waiting area] At the track.
House," That's, like, six miles away. How cool are these things?"
Lucas, I feel like an idiot. The Woman sitting next to him shifts further away.] I'm not giving you any more of my stuff.
House, You have those night vision goggles?
Lucas, No.
House, You're lying.
Lucas, You like making him miserable. You like driving people away from you.
House, He deserved to know the truth.
Lucas, There was no truth until you dug it up.
House," You do know that stuff exists Even when you can't see it, right?"
Lucas, [whispering] It was a truth that mattered to him and a truth that mattered to her. Why did it matter to you?
House," First of all, stop saying ""a"" truth. There is only one truth."
Lucas, That may be true for you.
House," [leaving the elevator and talking loudly] Miserable people save more lives. If your life has meaning, your job doesn't have to have meaning. Screw-ups are more palatable if you have someone's arms to go cry in."
Lucas," Yeah, that makes sense."
House, Usually I have more of a fight on that one.
Lucas, So why are you making Taub miserable?
House, I just said!
Lucas," He left his last job to save his marriage. If his marriage falls apart, you think he'll be working harder for you or you think he won't be working for you at all?"
Foreman, His head and neck are completely swollen. I need a trache kit. His throat's closing. [Foreman uses ambu-bag while Kutner gets the trache kit.] Can't find any landmarks.
Kutner, Just start cutting.
Foreman, An exploratory trache?
Kutner, We don't have a choice.
Foreman, [cuts Brendan's neck] Got it. [He inserts the trache tube.]
Kutner," His face is so swollen it squeezed his tear ducts shut. We've been lubricating his eyes by hand. We started him on steroids, IV and cream, to reduce the swelling, but it's having limited effect."
Taub, Negative for thrombosis and Chagas. Could be infection.
Thirteen, Culture's still negative.
Foreman, Could be his immune system's on hyperdrive. Cytokine storm.
House," [studying papers in front of him] Why would you pay for a three-year gym membership and only go twice? [The others stare at him.] Sorry. You guys still diagnosing? Thought we'd finished hours ago. You remember, when we decided it was the unproven, unapproved cocktail of drugs he's been downing like! well, like a cocktail."
Foreman," He just completed a total dialysis. If it was the drugs, he'd be better."
House, Or he'd be worse. [pause] I take it none of you saw Trainspotting.
Thirteen, You think swelling is a symptom of withdrawal?
House, You think it's a coincidence that three new symptoms cropped up as soon as we took him off the drugs?
Taub, It's possible some of the symptoms ÔøΩ
House," [fiddling with pill bottle] Either the drugs are the answer, or the drugs are a coincidence. If it's one, we have to find a better way to detox him. If it's two, we have to know which symptoms are withdrawal-related before we can formulate a diagnosis. Which means we have to find a better way to detox him. [takes Vicodin]"
Taub, So how do we do it?
House, Hair of the drug that bit him.
Kutner," That's ridiculous. If it is the drugs, they're dangerous, and they've already caused ÔøΩ"
House," That's why we're gonna put him back on the drugs, and then wean him off again. Just much slower. [The fellows look at Foreman.] Why are you looking at him?"
Foreman, Try it out.
House, You heard the boss! Go!
House, Taub ÔøΩ
Taub, I didn't talk to her. [He keeps walking.]
Cuddy, Why are you ÔøΩ
Man, Excuse me.
Cuddy," Uh, sorry. [It's not Lucas.]"
Lucas," He does look like me, doesn't he?"
Cuddy, You gave him your hat.
Lucas," I needed you out of here, so I could go through your desk."
Cuddy, Of course.
Lucas, Nice blouse. I really like that color on you.
Cuddy," Tell House that if he wants to know what I'm doing, all he has to do ÔøΩ"
Lucas," It's not House, it's ÔøΩ it's me. I was! I don't know, I was thinking maybe we could get together for a drink or something. I wasn't sure exactly what you like to do. So I thought ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, You'd spy on me.
Lucas, No. No. Not spying. More like research. I think it's a good idea to get to know a little bit more about a Woman before you ask her out. [leans back in her desk chair.] Show you care about more than just what she looks like.
Cuddy," As roMantic as you make that sound, I'm pretty sure that what you're doing is! not so much caring as creepy."
Lucas, That's not fair.
Cuddy, You were scrounging through my desk.
Lucas, What the hell am I gonna find out? You went to MiParkgan. You like your sandwiches a little light on mayo. You stay in touch with your mother. You rented the English Patient and you gave money to Amnesty International. There's not one thing I can find out in here that you wouldn't tell a coworker while riding in an elevator. [pause] I'm not a creep. I just thought you seemed interesting. [pause. quietly] I'll go now.
Lucas," Yeah, these, um! [Cuddy doesn't move. He puts the flowers on her desk and starts to leave. At the doorway, he snaps his fingers and turns.] I'll give you embarrassing info on House."
Cuddy, In exchange for ÔøΩ
Lucas," No, no need for a date. You'd be employing me, so I'd have all the time in the world to ask you all about you, and it would fall under the Category of socializing instead of creepy stalking."
Cuddy, And I'd be paying you?
Lucas," I know it's weird. But if you pay me while I check you out, it's ÔøΩ it's all cool. And you get value. You get lEverage against him. Help you keep him in line."
Cuddy, You think I need help keeping House in line?
Lucas, No. Nope. Sorry. [starts leaving again]
Cuddy, This hospital can't afford ÔøΩ
Lucas," [turns back] Oh, whatEver you can afford."
Cuddy, How'd you know I liked roses?
Lucas, I was in your House last night. [She gapes at him.] No! I'm kidding. Who the hell doesn't like roses? [He leaves quickly.]
Rachel, I forgot to tell you. The Parker Quartet's gonna play at the library fund raiser. [He doesn't react.] That's it? It was your idea.
Taub, They'll be great.
Rachel, You okay?
Taub, I couldn't find the letter opener. I went through some of the drawers in your desk looking for it. There were a bunch of statements in there from Jefferson Mutual.
Rachel, [takes sEveral deep breaths.] I was so close.
Taub," To what? You've got $83,000 socked away in a secret account."
Rachel," Not anymore. I wanted to keep it a surprise, but! I bought you the car. [laughs]"
Taub," Uh, the one that ÔøΩ that I!"
Rachel," I knew you would nEver buy it yourself, so! I've been saving. And it's gonna be delivered on Friday. [She comes around the table to hug him.]"
Taub, You are amazing.
Rachel, Lucky you.
Thirteen, We've gradually reduced your dosage. You're actually drug-free now.
Brandon, I feel great. Thanks to you.
Thirteen," All part of the job. Your blood pressure's normal. Can you sit up? [He does. As she leans in to listen to his chest with her stethoscope, he bites her neck.] Hey! [He grabs her and pulls her onto the bed, on top of him.] What are you doing?"
Brandon," Ah, ahh!"
Foreman, What happened to his face?
Thirteen, Question is what happened to his hormones? We're gonna need an ice pack in here.
Kutner, We can rule out the clinical trial drugs at this point. His system has been completely cleaned twice. Unless the drugs found a hiding place under the stairs!
Taub, Drugs could have set off a dorMant neurological condition.
House," Good point. Coming clean can cause a lot of damage. Alienation, divorce."
Taub, My wife's buying me a car.
House, I was talking about the Patient.
Taub, You were wrong.
House, Divorce was metaphorical.
Foreman, What about Kluver-Bucy syndrome? Bilateral lesions in the temporal lobes. Visual agnosia and hyper-sexuality are the key symptoms.
House," Good thing he's got that girlfriend. If it's Kluver-Bucy, his brain'll melt down, he'll try to swallow his own hands, and she can take care of him for the rest of his talentless life."
Taub, You owe me an apology. Any rationalization you had for meddling in my private life disappeared when she had good reason ÔøΩ
House," You're right. Fact is, nothing I said applies. You had no reason to forgive her. Therefore, no reason to seek forgiveness. No reason to be an idiot."
Thirteen, Kluver-Bucy wouldn't explain the seizure or the cytokine storm.
Foreman, Withdrawal complications.
House," Then again, she is handing you a giant gift that you don't think you deserve."
Thirteen, The fact that the MRI showed no lesions on the temporal lobe tends to rule out your lesions on the temporal lobe theory.
Foreman, The damage can be a circulatory issue rather than structural. We wouldn't see that on the MRI.
House," Foreman's right. [to Taub] Go call your wife, tell her you're not coming home 'cause you have to give the Patient a cranial MR angiogram. Then say good night and hang up."
Lucas, Odd that a Man who can't run would own so Many pairs of sneakers.
House, [hands Lucas his jacket] You wanna hang this up when you're done?
Lucas, I have to find something embarrassing about you.
House," No, you don't."
Lucas," I ordered us Indian. Not too embarrassing, just something credible."
House," [getting beer from the refrigerator] Well, if you hand her that, she's not gonna need you anymore."
Lucas," Well, if I don't hand her anything, she'll think I'm incompetent."
House, I don't care if she thinks you're incompetent.
Lucas, This isn't gonna work.
House, It's worked so far.
Lucas," No, I'm no good at lying."
House, I know. That's why your cover is that you want to do her. [takes Vicodin]
Lucas, I like her. I don't wanna do her.
House, Then what's the point of liking her?
Lucas, I meant I don't just want to do her. I like her. What do you think you're gonna find out about her?
House, Something! personal. Something embarrassing. I spend half my life negotiating with that Woman. Anything I can use to scare her into saying yes.
Lucas, Okay.
House, Okay? You're okay with being paid twice to facilitate blackmail?
Lucas," I'm okay. I don't beliEve you, but I'm okay. You're doing this for the same reason I'm doing this. We'll see who gets there first."
Kutner," Here it is. Circle of Willis, the vessels are narrow."
House," Narrow for you, normal for him. If there were pRoblems with the vessels, he'd have had symptoms long ago."
Taub, Not if something else changed.
House, Like?
Taub, His heart. He could have recently gotten an intermittent arrhythmia.
House," I know ""heart"" and ""head"" start with the same three letters, but you gotta read all the way to the end."
Taub," The experimental drug is causing arrhythmia, which causes low blood pressure. Combine that with those narrow vessels, the brain doesn't get enough blood. That causes all of his symptoms. If we can trigger the arrhythmia and identify it, we might be able to stop it from killing him."
House, Been home?
Taub, No.
House, Good. Do an EP study. Find the arrhythmia.
Taub, We're gonna insert three electrocatheters into your heart.
Brandon, Tell Dr. Hadley I'm sorry.
Taub, She understands. And you should tell her yourself.
Brandon, Maybe I should tell Heather about ÔøΩ
Taub, You're gonna be fine.
Brandon, She's just so supportive. And so great. All I do is lie to her.
Taub, What happens if you tell her?
Brandon, I don't know.
Taub," You love her, right?"
Brandon," More than anything, and she loves me."
Taub," If you open your mouth, one of two things happens. She either forgives you or she leaves you. At best, you wind up exactly where you are right now. It's noble to want to confess. Really, it is. But if the result's just damage and pain, that's not noble. That's selfish."
Taub, Stimulate right atrium.
Thirteen, No more conduction.
Taub," How long you plan on keeping me from going home? Until you're convinced I'm a different person, one who won't do anything stupid?"
House," Guilt fades quickly. By Wednesday, you'll be fine."
Taub, Right ventricle. And why do you want it to fade? Why do you suddenly care about my marriage?
House, Because! if it ain't broke ÔøΩ
Taub, You obviously think it is broke.
House," You obviously think it ain't. Your marriage is like a broken toaster. Bread keeps popping out, and you keep calling it toast. Which is weird, because you've put your bread in a lot of toasters and apparently you don't see any difference. It's kind of fascinating."
Thirteen, He's going into V-tach.
Brandon, What's wrong?
House," Good news. The test is working. Your heart's freaking out, but it's cool that you're still conscious."
Thirteen, [to Taub] Try to overdrive.
Taub, Didn't work.
Kutner, This might burn a little bit. Charging to 60. Clear.
Brandon, Ow!
Kutner," Going again, charging to 120."
House, Have you been dyeing your hair? [He's inspecting Brandon's temples.]
Brandon, No.
Kutner," House, clear."
House, Right. [steps back]
Brandon, Ow.
House, The hair is growing in red.
Taub, His heart rate is stabilized.
House, [to Taub] Does your theory include any genetic mutations that could cause his hair to change color? Either he's lying about dyeing! or just dying.
House, Red hair means it's not Kluver-Bucy. Melanin affects hair color. What affects melanin?
Taub, Hormones.
Thirteen, Hormone panels were all normal.
Taub, Age.
House, He's turning prematurely crimson?
Foreman, A genetic disorder. Waardenburg syndrome causes arrhythmias and can change hair color.
House, And make you deaf. Next.
Kutner, Found a long QT interval. I think it's RoMano-Ward syndrome.
House, Explains the irregular heart rhythms.
House, But not the ginger nut.
Foreman," If he's got RoMano's, he's got at least five gene mutations. Not a big leap to think he has others that would give him the hair."
House, It also gives him the likelihood of sudden and unexpected death.
Kutner, Beta blockers don't work. His heart can't handle an ICD.
House," Pete Best. [The others look at him, waiting.] Good God! Has none of you Ever read a history book? The original Beatles drummer. A bunch of nerves controls the tempo of the heart. They're all playing in time, except one dude can't keep the beat. Wrecks the whole thing. So we hire Ringo."
Kutner," Pete Best was actually a great drummer, but I assume you mean the Patient needs a cardiac sympathectomy?"
House," PRobably should have just said that, huh?"
Taub," Start cutting nerves, you risk his swallowing, vocal cords, sweating."
House, So he saves a fortune on karaoke maParknes and deodorant.
Thirteen, You think he's stable enough for surgery?
House," If he was, he wouldn't need it."
Cuddy," Wow. [She's at the counter in a diner, eating toast and staring at the picture. Lucas is leaning on the counter and staring at her.] Wow."
Lucas, Yeah. Do you have any brothers and sisters?
Cuddy, One sister. He told me he was on the lacrosse team.
Lucas," In high school. In college, he just cheered the lacrosse team on to victory."
Cuddy, Wow.
Lucas, Yeah. How's your relationship with your dad?
Cuddy, Fine. You have three more questions.
Lucas, How's your relationship with your mom?
Cuddy, Fine.
Lucas, When did you lose your virginity?
Cuddy, Not something I'd discuss with coworkers in an elevator.
Lucas," And! And! You know, don't you?"
Cuddy," A bit of a wasted third question. 'Cause the answer is ""know what?"""
Lucas," Okay, bear with me here. Because some people sometimes consider my thought processes compliCated. I'm into you, 'cause you're hot. And smart. In that order, but both are needed. Photos can be retouched. And House is an evil genius, which makes this photo suspicious. And yet you're not suspicious. Which means either you're not smart enough to be suspicious, in which case I am less interested in you, or you're not suspicious because you know this is actually a doctored photo of House, in which case I am more interested in you. But I am wasting my time because you know this is a game we are playing on you, and I am busted and I'm screwed."
Cuddy, I know the photo's a fake. And I know this is a game.
Lucas, I'm sorry. Too bad. Good-bye. [He makes it to the door and turns around.] So you knew that I wasn't gonna give you anything worthwhile? An ÔøΩ and you were nEver gonna give me anything worthwhile. Then why did you bother coming out with me?
Cuddy, I! wanted to screw with House.
Lucas," By wasting my time? That doesn't make sense. No, uh! There must be another reason. Hmmmm. Is it okay if I sit back down here?"
Thirteen, Your heartbeat's out of control. We need to surgically sEver the connection between your heart and brain.
Taub," We beliEve it's necessary, but you need to know the ramifications. You'll nEver be able to feel angina. You may not know if you have a heart attack. You may not be able to get help in time."
Brandon, Where are my regular doctors?
Thirteen, Regular doctors?
Brandon, Dr. Taub and Dr. Hadley. Why aren't they telling me this?
Thirteen," Brandon, I am Dr. Hadley. And this is Dr. Taub."
Brandon, What are you talking about? I've nEver seen you before in my life.
Taub, We can't do the surgery. We're back to where we started. Visual agnosia.
Thirteen, We need to reexamine neurological disorders. Something's slowly progressing.
Taub," This isn't progressing. It's there, then it's not, then it is. It's a new symptom, intermittence."
House, It's irrelevant. [He's pacing and the other two follow him.]
Taub, Since when is a new symptom irrelevant?
House, Since it points towards the same disease. Intermittence can fit with RoMano-Ward. We still need to do a sympathectomy.
Taub, Maybe we missed something. Toxins.
House," When? When you checked Every bottle, Every can, Every tube of paint? Or when you detoxed him twice?"
Taub, Maybe there is a batch of toxic paint that he used up a few months ago.
Thirteen," Then he would have been sick months ago, not now."
Taub, He's lost weight since he got here.
House, That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down.
Taub," It's not a symptom, but what if the toxins were stored in his fat cells a year ago, and now they're being released into his bloodstream?"
House, So where you gonna get this old paint? City dump?
Taub, On his old paintings. We know he hasn't sold one in ages. But there weren't Many in his studio. He's hid them somewhere.
House," If you're wrong, he could drop dead from RoMano-Ward at any moment. You okay with that?"
Taub, Just give me a few hours.
House, You got one.
Taub, I need to talk to him alone. It's about your work. Your paintings. I need to look at all the ones you've sold recently.
Brandon," Honey, can you give us a minute?"
Heather," To talk about your paintings? Brandon, please. Tell me what's going on."
Brandon," I've only sold two paintings in the last! three years. Since we met. One was to my cousin. I've been making money enrolling in drug trials. Two, three at a time."
Heather, Why did you lie to me?
Brandon," I wanna be, uh! The way you look at me. The way it makes me feel. Uh, I wanna be! what you see! when you look at me."
Heather, You think I'm that shallow? When I look at you! I see you.
Taub, So! Where are the ones you didn't sell?
Taub," It's not the paint, it's the drugs."
House, He's not on the drugs. [He sits down.]
Taub," I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm looking at his paintings for the last six months. They're normal April, June, and August. But they're distorted May, July, September. [He shines a light on a different painting as he names the month each was painted.] Every other month, he was having visual agnosia, because Every other month he was on all three drugs simultaneously. The statin was one month on, one month off. I don't know why the symptoms keep coming and going, but it is the drugs."
House, They're hiding under the stairs.
Taub, In the fat? That doesn't make sense. These drugs aren't fat soluble.
House," I said stairs, not closet. What was the last drug he was on before the drugs he was on when the symptoms started?"
Taub, I'm not sure. I think ÔøΩ
House, Antacid.
Taub, How do you know?
House," It makes sense. Also, I'm looking at the file."
Nurse, Yes? [She listens then hangs up. To Chase] It's Dr. House.
Chase, Oh. Wake him up. We're done.
Nurse," No, no ÔøΩ he says he needs surgery, but not this one."
Chase, Did he give any specifics?
Nurse, Abdominal surgery to remove a! bezoar.
Taub," It's like a hairball, but it's made up of undigested food. You can get it if your stomach acid's low, which Brandon's was because of an experimental antacid. [He continues over disgusting CGI of the bezoar forming.] Fruit and vegetable fibers and skins get stuck together and form a ball. It gets sticky, ferments, grows. It starts sucking up some of the pills he'd taken. Some are nEver heard from again. But some get released. For the last week, it's basically been giving him massive doses of all three at once."
Chase, And that! is why I won't let Cameron buy a cat.
Taub, He should be fine. Are you glad he told you the truth?
Heather, Yes! of course.
Taub, But! were you happier before you knew?
Rachel, About ten more feet.
Taub," I do know what it looks like, so maybe this whole blindfold thing ÔøΩ"
Rachel," Shh. My gift, my rules. Bump. [He half trips, half steps over the bump.] All right, if you don't like the color apparently we can exchange it, but I'm hoping. You ready? [He nods and she removes the blindfold.] Ta-dahhhhh! Do you like it? [Taub says nothing. She begins to get nervous.] Baby, are you okay?"
Taub, We need to talk.
Lucas, She didn't buy it.
House, Damn. So you didn't get anything.
Lucas, Nothin'. We pRobably overstepped. You're really not the cheerleader type.
House," On the other hand, I figured she pRobably wouldn't figure me as the ""photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper"" type either."
Lucas," Heh. Yeah, about that. I took a little trip to your alma mater."
House, You took a little trip 150 miles.
Lucas," Online, by phone. I meant I did research. [House sits and picks up a guitar. They start improvising together.] That's a real photo, isn't it? [no answer] Wow, that is humiliating."
House, There was a girl.
Lucas," Even more so. That's too bad. You wanted her to see you in a different light, and! not only didn't she see it! She didn't Even beliEve it was possible."
House," You know, people hate people who have theories about people."
Lucase, You want me to back off?
House, Would you?
Lucas, I barely know you.
Nicole, Do you see them anywhere?
Fang Dong Wen," Why don't we go back to their House, wait for them there."
Nicole," Yeah, 'cause they'll pRobably answer the door the sixteenth time I knock. [She wanders around and sees an elderly couple at a shrine.] There they are. Hi. I'm sorry I followed you here. I just really wish you could give me a few minutes of your time. [Fang Dong Wen begins simultaneous translation into Parknese.] I know you nEver agreed to make it an open adoption, but I just figured maybe you nEver had a choice. I mean, it's Parkna, right?"
Nicole, W ÔøΩ what did he say?
Fang Dong Wen, He wants you to leave them alone.
Nicole," Please. [The Woman says something.] I just want ten minutes. Learn what you're like, tell you about my life."
Fang Dong Wen, He said they have no daughter. I am sorry you wasted a trip.
Nicole, I know that's them. [She sees a Buddha.] How does that work? How do I pray?
Fang Dong Wen, You make a wish and lift the Buddha.
Nicole, I wish they could understand how badly I need this.
Fang Dong Wen," Now make the wish again. If you cannot lift the Buddha this time, your wish will be granted."
Fang Dong Wen, Are you okay?
House, I picked Cameron's pocket down in ER. I came up with a doozy.
Kutner, Your mother called ÔøΩ twice.
House," She's still healthy. This 25-year-old Woman, on the other hand!"
Kutner, Her messages sounded kind of urgent.
House," Well, that's the way women sound when their spouse of 50 years dies. [He goes into his office, hanging his cane from the top of the doorframe as he enters.]"
Thirteen, Your dad died? Are you ÔøΩ
House," Yep. Fine! Our Patient, who's been known to take a few drinks on non-occasions, vomits blood and collapses on a trip to Parkna. Parknese surgeons cut out a foot of bowel, but the pain is worse now than it was before."
Taub," House, call your mom."
House," What are you, my mom?"
Taub, We can continue this differential in five minutes.
House," Are those bags under your eyes? You were up all night. You told her, didn't you?"
Taub," I don't know what your daddy issues are, but don't deflect them on me."
House, [to the others] Told his wife he's been getting some strange. She kicked his adulterous tuchus to the curb.
Kutner," Seriously, you told her?"
Taub," Yes, I told her. But no, she did not kick me to the curb. We stayed up late talking. We're going to continue talking. Much like House should be doing with his mother right now."
Foreman," Anybody read Parknese? Otherwise, we have no idea what these doctors did to her."
House," Kutner, you're sort of Asian, right? Get it translated."
Thirteen," What about Meckel's diverticulum? If the surgeons didn't remove the diverticulum, it can cause pain, bleeding."
House, Too high up for a colonoscopy. CT could miss it. Ultrasound's fastest. And since I'm fastest with the ultrasound!
Foreman," House, let me do the ultrasound. You need to deal with your dad and stop ÔøΩ"
House," I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow. Seriously, I'm fine. I didn't Even like the Man."
House, No Meckel's. [He hands her a box of tissues.] Were you there for the rice or the reeducation camps?
Nicole, I was there to track down my biological parents.
House," Like a salmon returning to the stream where it was born. Did you become whole again, or did you get eaten by bears?"
Nicole, They denied my existence.
House," Four parents, and not one of them taught you to cover your mouth."
Janice," Oh, my God! It looks like they cut you in half."
Bob," Doctor, we're her parents."
House, I'm just a technician. Her doctors will be by later. You can schmooze then.
Bob," Can you let them know that we, uh, we went by her apartment and collected all her medication."
House, I'm a technician and a doctor.
Nicole, You went through my apartment?
Janice, We found alcohol. We thought you'd quit.
Bob," [quietly, to House] Did her drinking cause this?"
House, No. [He finds a plastic baggie that interests him.]
Bob, Can you tell her it did?
House, Licorice root.
Foreman," Uh, no, thanks. I'm good."
House, I threw it to you for a reason. That's what the Parknese doctors gave her. It contains glycyrrhizin.
Foreman, [quietly] They were treating her for! [very quietly] SARS?
House," Not very effectively. But SARS explains the cough, causes hypoperfusion, which explains the ischemic bowel. It's perfect."
Foreman, Lung involvement isn't very sEvere.
House," [getting on elevator] Okay, well, so call it ""ARS."" Start her on ribavirin and interferon."
Cuddy, Sorry about your father.
House, I'm not. Are we done emoting now?
Cuddy," If there's anything I can do, just ÔøΩ"
House," You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight. [Cuddy produces a syringe.] And you can tell me that that is liquid Vicodin."
Cuddy," We're giving IG shots to Everyone who came in contact with your Patient. Shockingly, none of the nurses volunteered to administer yours. [He starts to roll up his sleEve.] It goes better in a large muscle. Drop your pants."
House," [He stands, unbuckles his jeans and leans on the desk.] You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that."
Cuddy, [gives him the shot] The funeral's tomorrow.
House, My mom called you?
Cuddy," There is a 3:40 flight out of Newark. If you leave now, you can be in Lexington tonight. Your mother wants you to deliver a eulogy."
House," ""Eulogy,"" from the Greek for ""good word."" Now, if she asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to ÔøΩ"
Cuddy," Then be a grown-up. Call your mother back and tell her that you're sick with grief, but you're too busy to be there."
House, She knows when I'm lying.
Cuddy, Then start writing.
Nicole, They yanked my brother and sister out of college. Can you please tell them I'm not dying?
Kutner, You have SARS. I'm wearing a mask. It's a big deal. Cut 'em some slack.
Nicole," But I am gonna be okay, right?"
Kutner," That's what all this stuff is for. We're gonna need the names and numbers of Everyone you came in contact with here and in Parkna. Flight numbers, dates!"
Nicole, That doctor that I coughed all over! Is he gonna be all right?
Kutner, So far he's fine.
Nicole," Oh, oooh. It's back. This is where the pain all started."
Kutner, [on the intercom] She's tachycardic. Get a crash cart in here!
Janice, [being held back by a nurse] What's going on? I need to know what's going on. That's my daughter.
Kutner, Her liver's failing. It's not SARS.
Wilson, I am not doing this because I care.
House, Cuddy drugged me. She! My mom didn't call Cuddy. She called you. I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much.
Wilson, I'm doing this for your mom.
House," I'm not doing this at all. If there were something to be done, I would have done it in the year he spent dying. [He checks his pockets.] You took my Vicodin? I'm in pain. [Wilson pulls the Vicodin bottle from his inside pocket, opens it and gives House a pill, all without looking at him.] One? So the Vicodin is my leash. One'll take the edge off, but it won't give me enough relief for an escape back to Plainsboro. [He swallows it.]"
House, Where's my phone? [Wilson ignores him.] It's the team. It's their ring tone. [nothing] Forget it. The Patient's blood is on your hands.
Foreman, House? You there?
House, I'm being held against my will. Call the police!
Thirteen," Nicole had a clot in the hepatic vein. Chase sucked it out, saved her liver."
Kutner, No signs of a tumor or venous malformations. Nothing that could cause ÔøΩ
Thirteen, She's an addict.
Kutner, Drugs and alcohol wouldn't ÔøΩ
Thirteen," She's a smoker. Combine smoking with any one of a dozen genetic disorders, and she's a clotting maParkne."
Taub," Multiple blood clots would tie together bowel ischemia, lungs, and the liver."
Foreman, We need to pinpoint which defect she has so we can start her on the right anticoagulant. Draw her blood. Let's find out which genetic gift her genetic parents gave her.
House," Thanks for calling. [He disconnects the phone.] My ring tone for you is ""Dancing Queen,"" by Abba."
Kutner, Nicole?
House," I need to pee. Pull over at the next stop. [Wilson hands him a plastic bottle. House tosses it over his shoulder into the back seat.] I'll just pee on the floor. [He looks at the floor, grins and picks something up.] You bought used floor mats? That is brilliant. [He rolls down the window, tosses the mat out and starts to unbuckle his pants.]"
Wilson, There's a rest stop in five miles.
House, Cane.
Wilson, The restroom's right there. You can make it on your own.
House," I suppose I could talk about the summer he decided he wasn't speaking to me. Two months, not one word. Anything he wanted to say, he typed up and slipped under my bedroom door."
Wilson," You don't want to say anything, don't say anything, but go. Tell your mom you're sad for her."
House," Just by being there, I'd be lying."
Wilson," She wants to think, for a moment, that she had a happy family. So give her a gift ÔøΩ lie!"
House," Give me my cane, I'll go to the damn funeral."
House, I said I'd go to the funeral. I didn't say when.
Kutner," We have these two Categories: Inside and outside. Patients stay inside. Then, when they're better, we let them go outside."
Nicole, Thanks. But they don't let you smoke inside. So why don't you go back there and give me five minutes outside?
Kutner," Make a fist. [to a curious Woman passing by] Such a beautiful day, we thought we'd do all our doctoring outside."
Nicole," People stare at me any time I'm out with my family. It's like a puzzle. ""Which one of these things doesn't belong?"""
Kutner, Belonging's overrated. I was adopted by a white family when I was nine. I like being different. The view's better from the outside looking in.
Nicole," Must be easier to be different when you're a success. [He finishes the blood draw, removes the tourniquet and puts a piece on the site. It is immediately soaked with blood.] Is that a pRoblem?"
Kutner, This is why we prefer inside.
House," You actually keep a flashlight that doesn't need batteries in the trunk? Next to the jacket, emergency water, nail clippers, tooth brush, space blanket ÔøΩ"
Wilson," When things go wrong, I like to be ready. Will you! please hold the flashlight for a minute?"
Wilson," You know, those aren't just my car keys. My House keys are on there too. Amber gave me that key chain."
House," No, she didn't. Not unless your pet name for her was ""Volvo."" [Wilson goes back to the trunk and pulls out another wind-up flashlight.] A Man who would lie about a gift from a dead girlfriend!"
Wilson," Is pRobably responding to a Parkldish, pointless act of petulance."
House, The struggle to resist one's captors is nEver pointless. Vive la rÔøΩsistance!
Wilson," Well, I hate to break it to you, Che, but simple delay won't work. Your mother will hold the funeral till we get there."
House," [shakes head] My father was a punctual Man, beholden to time. Two minutes late for dinner, you didn't eat. My mother would nEver disrespect him by starting the funeral late."
Wilson," Yeah, yeah, you clearly have no issues to work through."
House," Come on, forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We'll go inside and play ""guess that smell"" with the truckers while we're waiting. Join me on the dark side."
Wilson," [pulling the keys out on the hanger] The dark side's done, House. I'm delivering you to your mother, and that's it. I've moved on. [He slams the car trunk closed.]"
Cameron," What do you think House would send, the ""gentle comfort"" arrangement or the ""warm thoughts"" bouquet? I mean, if he wasn't an ass."
Chase," Send one of those giant cookies shaped like a coffin. [She looks at him, annoyed] His mom would beliEve it was from him."
Foreman, I didn't tell you so you could send anything. Just wanted you to know the extent to which the Man is disconnected from the huMan race.
Kutner, [approaParkng] Took a six-pack of FFP to stop the oozing.
Cameron, She's bleeding and clotting?
Kutner," Plus sParkstocytes on her smear means it's DIC, which means she's got cancer."
Cameron, She's young. It could be leukemia.
Kutner, Normal WBC makes that less likely.
Foreman, The belly pain points toward a GI tumor.
Kutner, House already did an ultrasound.
Foreman, He wasn't looking for a tumor. Go run a CT.
Chase, I don't buy it.
Foreman, CT can find small intestinal cancers that an ultrasound ÔøΩ
Chase," I don't buy House. When my father died, I wound up killing a Patient. And I hated the Man. WhatEver House says or doesn't say, I'm sure the guy's a mess."
Wilson, So he was a bastard. He was still your father. You're biologically programmed to have feelings for him.
House," No, I'm not."
Wilson, Feelings aren't rational. I know you have trouble with anything that can't be quantified and counted.
House, He's not my biological father. [Wilson looks at him.] I figured it out when I was 12.
Wilson," Of course. You were a brilliant, socially isolated 12-year-old, and you create a parallel universe in which your life doesn't suck."
House," I look at the facts. First of all, he was deployed on training exercises off Okinawa during the time I had to be conceived."
Wilson," And since you're 150 years old, air travel was impossible."
House, His second toe is longer than his big toe. Mine isn't.
Wilson, This is sad. You don't beliEve your mother screwed around ÔøΩ
House, I have a distinctive red birthmark on my scalp that matches a certain friend of the family.
Wilson," If you beliEved this story, you wouldn't be telling me about his birthmarks. You'd be telling me about the genetic testing you had done. [House notices a police car ahead of them.] And since you haven't mentioned it, obviously, you didn't do it. Because you don't want to ÔøΩ House, what are you doing? [House has jammed his cane against the accelerator.] Get your ÔøΩ get off the ÔøΩ there's a cop!"
House, Uh-oh.
Kutner," Nicole, lie still. This'll only take a few seconds."
Taub, One millimeter cut through upper abdomen.
Kutner," She was adopted when the parents thought they couldn't have kids. Then they had three more. She took the message as ""thanks for playing, but we have our real Parkldren now."""
Taub, And the real Parkldren pRobably think they're accidents while she was hand-picked. Everybody's got pRoblems with their parents.
Kutner, She's an addict. Something went wrong.
Taub, And it has to be the parents? Magnifying pancreas.
Kutner, I'm not saying the parents screwed up.
Taub," You're saying you like her. So you don't want her faults to be her fault. But they're someone's fault, and the only other people you know are ÔøΩ"
Kutner, I think we may need to call House again.
House, You lost track of your speed? I think that was Hitler's excuse. Lost track of the Jews. No one held him responsible.
Wilson," I'm not playing, House."
House, You were protecting me. Anybody in their right mind would have ratted me out.
Wilson, I'm just trying to speed things along. You are going to this funeral.
House, Make it fast. I don't want to miss the anal cavity search.
Foreman, Looks like a mass in the pancreas.
House, Not to me. This is radio. And I want a full play-by-play.
Foreman, It's fluid-filled.
Costello," [approaParkng on the driver's side] Would you get out of the car, please, sir?"
Wilson," Officer, if you want to give me a ticket, I totally understand."
Costello," Just get out of the car, sir."
House, Cyst?
Foreman, Large cyst. Something going on there?
House," Wilson's getting arrested. How large? SUV sized, or mid-range sedan?"
Foreman, Seriously? What'd you do?
House," I'm obviously joking. If Wilson was getting handcuffed on the hood of his car, would I be carrying on a differential?"
Foreman, Diameter is at least eight centimeters.
House, [whistles] Is it in the tail or in the head?
Foreman, The head.
Costello," [at House's window] You too, sir. Out of the car."
House, [ignoring him] We've got a construction site. A steamroller is plowing ÔøΩ
Costello, [takes the phone] Out now. [House undoes his seat belt and picks up his cane.] No cane.
Costello," James Evan Wilson, there's a warrant for your arrest in Louisiana."
Kutner, What are the traits of a steamroller? Powerful. Maybe pancreatic cancer.
Foreman," Great idea, except the only symptom it matches up with is being steamrollerish."
Thirteen, You don't think House is onto something?
Foreman, I think he thought he had an idea. I also think his metaphors are tough enough to decipher after he's said them. We need to be focusing on the medicine.
Taub, No answer. [He been calling. Now he hangs up the phone.]
Foreman, There's not gonna be an answer. They've been arrested.
Taub, He was joking.
Foreman, He reacted to the size and location. That's what we should be focusing on. Not playing Mad Libs while our Patient's exploding noun destroys her life-sustaining noun.
Taub, I'll try to get Wilson on the line.
Thirteen," What if it's not how a steamroller works, but what it does? Clears things."
Foreman, This is a waste of time. [He leaves.]
House," I need that phone call. I'm a doctor, and when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for ""pick up the damn phone before someone dies."""
Costello, I'm sure there's other smart doctors.
House, You'd be surprised.
Wilson, [to House] You told me you'd taken care of this.
House, I did.
Wilson, First words you Ever said to me.
House, I took care of it. You must've screwed up somehow.
Wilson," [to Costello] Sir? Not to hurry you, but we need to be at a funeral in ÔøΩ"
Costello, Nobody is going anywhere or taking any phone calls till I hear back from Louisiana.
Wilson, It's a really old warrant. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this kind of thing?
House, It's suspended when you flee the state.
Wilson, I didn't flee the state. I left the state. Because I don't live in the state. And the charges were just so minor!
Costello," ""Vandalism, destruction of property, assault."""
Wilson, There is a simple explanation. There was a medical convention in New Orleans!
Costello, [standing up to get coffee] You don't need to explain to me.
Wilson, I was fresh out of med school. I didn't know anybody at the convention.
House," You heard the Man, Wilson. You don't have to explain."
Wilson," [very angry] I am not gonna sit here wasting time just so you can avoid your father's funeral! [Costello looks at them, interested.]"
House, He's my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.
Costello," Not if your mother's alive, you don't. [to Wilson] Okay! explain."
Chase, Did House react to the eight centimeters?
Foreman, He whistled. It's huge. Anyone would think so.
Cameron, House doesn't whistle because he's impressed. It means he wasn't expecting it. It means he changed his mind at that point.
Chase, A single super-sized cyst ruled out a diffuse process like scleroderma or lupus.
Cameron," Rule out diffuse process, you're stuck with single process affecting just the pancreas."
Foreman, Gallstones or pancreatic divisum.
Chase, WhatEver he asked next would have narrowed that down.
Foreman, He asked about location.
Chase," Heads it's gallstones, tails it's divisum."
Foreman, It's at the head. She's got gallstones.
Kutner, The steamroller means potholes ÔøΩ
Foreman, Relax. We got it.
Kutner, You figured out she's got gallstones?
Wilson," I was at the hotel bar trying to unwind, have a drink. There was this guy who kept playing Billy Joel's ""Leave a Tender Moment Alone"" on the jukebox."
Costello," ""Leave a Tender Moment"" is a good song."
House, It's a great song. He was out of line.
Costello," Not as good as ""Scenes from an Italian restaurant"" or"
Wilson," So I ÔøΩ I asked the Man to stop, politely."
House," Yeah, you yelled politely."
Wilson," I was polite the first couple of times, but courtesy made no impression on this ass. So I threw a bottle into the mirror, which successfully conveyed my message."
House, And smashed a ten-foot antique mirror. And set an example to two other patrons who threw shot glasses.
Wilson, I had nothing to do with that fight. The assault charge was totally bogus. And I paid for the mirror.
Costello, I think I have the picture. I assume you're the guy who was playing the song.
House," No, I was the guy who bailed him out."
Wilson, That's how we met. I was in jail.
Costello," This guy was a total stranger to you, and you bailed him out?"
House, It was a boring convention. Had to have somebody to drink with.
Wilson," And there's the foundation of our entire friendship. If you hadn't been bored one weekend, it wouldn't Even exist."
House," Hey, there were 3,000 people at that convention. You were the one I thought wasn't boring. That says something."
Wilson, It also says something that you lied to me about getting the charges dropped!
House, I got a Lawyer. He cut a deal. You didn't call the guy? You have to show up at the arraignment. Everybody knows that.
Wilson, Everybody with your misdemeanor experience.
Costello, [reading a fax] You can go.
House, What? He ÔøΩ he's a fugitive from justice. That whole story was lies. He stabbed a Man.
Costello, [unlocking the handcuffs] Louisiana doesn't want to pay to get you back.
House, Forget Louisiana. He was driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly doughnuts here?
Costello, Stop acting like such an ingrate and go pay your respects to your father.
Chase, The CT confirmed gallstones. Normally not dangerous. Almost Everyone has them. But sometimes!
Nicole, They kill you?
Chase, Yup. Unless I take 'em out. We do it laparoscopically. [He looks down.] Um! how long has her urine been brown? [He holds up the urine collection bag. The urine is almost black.]
Taub, Kidneys were fine this afternoon.
Chase, They're not now. It's not the gallstones.
House," Well, of course it's not gallstones. Who thought it was gallstones?"
Kutner," You said ""steamroller."""
House," I also said ""construction site."""
Foreman, Gallstones could cause a pancreatic cyst.
House," [to Wilson] Will you just turn around. The thing is two hours over already, and that's the third time we passed that colonial with the cross burning out front."
Wilson, I'm not lost.
House, I'm not talking about what caused the cyst. I'm talking about what the cyst caused. Everything.
Foreman," Cysts are symptoms, not diagnoses."
House," Unless it's a multiple cyst, with connections to other organs! like a steamroller."
Taub, That's a long road down to the kidneys.
Foreman, How do we prove it? Won't be visible in a scan. Chase isn't gonna go groping around when she's got kidney failure.
Thirteen, Bubbles.
House, Is that your new stripper name?
Thirteen," Yes. And also, we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. If they end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine."
House, Bubbles is right. Go echo. [He hangs up.]
Wilson, I'm not lost.
Taub," Nicole, you gotta stay still."
Nicole, I'm ÔøΩ I'm nervous.
Kutner," You're not nervous. It's the DTs, isn't it?"
Nicole, I haven't had a drink since I got here.
Wilson," Good heavens, we haven't missed it after all. It's like the end of a Christmas carol."
Blythe," I'm so glad you're here. Oh, it's a load off of my mind just to see you. [She hugs House.] Thank you, James."
House," Mom, how could you delay the funeral?"
Blythe," Honey, your dad is dead. He's not going to care. Do you know what you're going to say?"
House, I don't know. Just let the minister or one of his buddies from the corps!
Blythe," You're talking. I don't care that you didn't like him. He was your father, and he loved you. The war is over, Greg. Please do this for me. [to Wilson] Stop looking so worried. I know he's gonna make me proud."
Wilson, I'm sure you know him better than I do.
Taub," Her liver's been compromised. And the DTS will cause her muscles to continue to twitch, Even under sedation. We need to paralyze her to do this procedure."
Nicole, I wanted to stop.
Kutner," A phenobarbital coma will not only allow us to inject the cyst, it'll treat the DTS. When she wakes up, she won't be in withdrawal."
Bob, We've seen her through withdrawal before. We've seen her through Everything. We've been supportive. We've been combative. We've picked her up from bars in the middle of the night. We've let her spend the night in jail.
Nicole, I used to say it'd be okay. That I'd get it together. I don't say that anymore.
Kutner, Let's make you healthy. Then we'll worry about making you sober.
Minister and mourners," The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want!"
House, [quietly to Wilson] I am not talking We were strangers who shared some geography 30 years ago.
Wilson," Right, he had no influence on you at all. The father who was compulsive about punctuality."
House, His issue. Which I deliberately made not my issue.
Wilson," Thereby making it your issue. Compulsively showing up four hours late, ignoring discipline, ignoring rules."
House," [looking around] Oh, God, he's here."
Wilson," Who's here? [looks] The one you're pretending is your father? Nice pick. He looks like Sean Connery. So back when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father: ""Dad, I refuse to recognize your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad""?"
House, I used different words.
Wilson, What? Hearing that your own son hates you so much he's replaced you in his mind? That's gotta suck. How did he take it?
House, I already told you. He didn't speak to me for a summer.
Blythe," [at the podium] It means more to me than ÔøΩ than I can say to have all of you here today. And now, uh, our son Gregory would like to say a few words. [House doesn't move.] Greg?"
House," There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the corps. And I notice that Every one of them is either my father's rank or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because, if the test of a Man is how he treats those he has power over, it was a test my father failed. [Wilson looks embarrassed. Blythe looks worried.] This Man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, and he did not accept anything less than ÔøΩ"
House," He loved doing what he did. He saw his work as some kind of! sacred calling. More important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse. And I just ÔøΩ I just wish ÔøΩ"
Wilson, Put it back.
House," Well, he's not gonna miss it."
Wilson, I'm done enabling. You can't Even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda?
House, You really want to do this in front of Everybody? You wanna punish me or them?
Wilson," How can I still feel surprise? You would take, Even this, a moment of real huMan grief, and turn it into a farce."
House," Oh, cut the crap. You enjoy what I do. I nEver had to force you. You like coming along for the ride."
Wilson," Yes, that's why I'm cheering you on now."
House," This is about you needing to be prepared for the worst. So you become an oncologist. No surprises there. Worst happens all the time. But Amber, she was young and healthy. Her death came out of nowhere."
Wilson, Don't bring Amber into this.
House," And you weren't ready. That makes you angry. The world sucks, and you didn't have time to brace yourself."
Wilson, What happened out there is your show!
House, You're scared to death of losing anyone that matters. So you dump the person who matters the most to you!
Wilson, I'm not scared to death. I'm moving forward!
House, Because no one can take away from you what you no longer have.
Wilson," Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Your father's death is about you. Amber's death is about you. I can't imagine why someone wouldn't want to be your friend!"
House," Admit it, you're angry and you're scared of losing me."
Wilson," I'm not angry, I'm not scared."
House, Admit it.
Wilson, I'm not afraid.
House, Admit it.
Wilson, I've lost people. It happens.
House, Admit it. Admit it!
Wilson," What are you, five? Stop repeating ÔøΩ"
House," Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Come on, admit it. Admit it!"
House, Still not boring.
Wilson, Did you know I was gonna do that? Because I didn't know I was gonna do that.
House," I know you have trouble losing people. In New Orleans, I saw you carrying this express package around the conference. And you wouldn't let it go, but you wouldn't open it. So I peeked at the return address."
Wilson," Diamond, Fairbairn."
House, Divorce attorneys. Your first wife had just served you with papers.
Wilson, Did you know that when you bailed me out? Were you! doing something nice for me?
House, What did I say about being boring? [He picks up his phone and starts dialing.]
Wilson, We owe your mom an apology.
Foreman, Hello? It's House. [turns on speakerphone]
House, How'd the bubble test go?
Taub, The pRoblem wasn't the cyst. It's advanced dilated cardiomyopathy.
Foreman, We did a three-dimensional echo. Showed a mass in the left atrium.
Kutner," Looks like an atrial myxoma, but the ultrasound images are a little grainy, so it's hard to tell. [House is thinking]"
Thirteen, House?
House, The images aren't grainy.
Taub, They sure look grainy.
House," I've seen pictures of you where you look tall. It's iron overload. Creates speckles on the image, makes it look grainy. Also makes her pancreas fail, her blood clot, and her intestine ÔøΩ"
Kutner, Atrial myxoma is more likely.
House, MRI for a better view. And call me back and tell me you're embarrassed because my eyesight is better 500 miles away. I need a phone number.
House," I'm a doctor in New Jersey, treating one of your clients. A young Woman looking for her biological parents."
Wilson," You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied."
House, What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to?
House," Did the parents look tan? The disease she has is genetic, which means they should have it too."
Fang Dong Wen, They don't look more tan than anyone else.
House, Discolored teeth?
Fang Dong Wen, They're farmers ÔøΩ the village doesn't Even have a dentist.
House, Right. Thanks.
Fang Dong Wen," But if it matters, I'm not convinced they were her parents."
House, Why not?
Fang Dong Wen," Because they said they have no daughter. The Man was adaMant, and the Woman seemed confused and frightened."
House, Thank you. [He hangs up and turns to Wilson.] Differential. Say you're a middle-aged Parknese Woman!
Wilson, Fine.
House, Say it.
Wilson, I'm a middle-aged Parknese Woman.
House," Girl comes to you, says that she's your long-lost daughter. Why would you be frightened?"
Wilson, I'm frightened because she's a threat? Maybe she knows something?
House, She hasn't seen you since she was an infant.
Wilson, Maybe an inheritance issue.
House, They're peasants.
Wilson, Her very presence is a threat. She ÔøΩ what year was she born?
House, '83.
Wilson, She's not supposed to be alive. Parkna introduced the one-Parkld policy in 1979. Say they didn't want a girl. They tried to kill her.
House, Maybe the baby doesn't die. Maybe the father panics or regrets it. Takes the baby to an orphanage. Maybe he doesn't tell his wife.
Wilson, Who freaks out like she's seen a ghost 25 years later when the girl shows up.
House, Why does attempted murder from 25 years ago suddenly become relevant to her health now?
Wilson, Maybe they gave her something toxic. It would have to be fat-soluble.
House," This is fun, isn't it?"
House, Let me see the MRI.
Kutner, We don't have one.
Taub, She started vomiting as soon as we started the scan.
House," Then let her vomit through the MRI. That's what nurses are for. [Taub takes the file and leaves.] Her parents tried to kill her. I don't know how, but I know it caused her to get sick 25 years later trying to lift a Buddha. Explain. I already had this conversation with Wilson ÔøΩ just go with it."
Foreman, Poison?
House, Buddha wouldn't make it worse.
Thirteen," Maybe the weight stressed her back, which ÔøΩ"
House, Makes sense if she's nEver lifted anything in her life.
Kutner, She actually didn't get sick till she tried lifting it that second time. I'm guessing the weight changed.
House, [epiphany] Anybody have Taub's pager number?
Thirteen, What's up?
House," Maybe give him a call. If he tosses that switch on the MRI, she's dead. X-ray her brain."
House," Pins. Push them through the soft fontanelle of an infant, you skewer the brain, and the hair hides the entry wounds. It's the perfect crime."
Foreman, She's had them in her all these years.
Thirteen, What changed at the temple?
House," Same thing that changed in the MRI. Shockingly, not all religious leaders are honest. I'm guessing these particular monks are bilking the faithful by pushing a magnet up Buddha's butt. There's another one under the table that'll repel or attract, depending on how you shift them. When she picked up that magnet, it moved one of the pins deeper into the sympathetic nervous center of her brain. This sent a signal through the nerves to the blood vessels in her small intestine, which caused the symptoms in Parkna and in the giant magnet we call an MRI. She's lucky. We're all screwed up by our parents. She's got documentation."
Kutner," The pins will be removed surgically, and she'll be fine. We'll wake her from the coma after the operation."
Bob, Is there any way you could not tell her?
Janice, Please. She's fragile. She desperately wanted to know her biological parents. For her to find out that they wanted her dead! I don't know what that'll do to her.
Kutner, She may not be as fragile as you think.
Janice, We know our daughter.
Kutner, [shows them the x-ray] See this pin here? It's been pressing directly on her addiction center. It's not her fault. And it's definitely not your fault. She's not who you think she is.
Wilson, I hear your Patient's gonna be all right.
House, Is that why you're here? A colleague checking up on a Patient?
Wilson, Something goin' on?
House," I'm celebrating. [He hands Wilson a sheet of paper from his desk. Wilson looks at it, then back at House.] My mom hated him too."
Wilson," Your DNA test showed no match? That's incredible. At the age of 12, you actually figured out your father wasn't your birth father? That's what you wanted, wasn't it? Why should it depress you?"
House, It doesn't depress me. Doesn't make any difference at all. That's what depresses me.
Wilson," Well, I guess nobody gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not Even sure anymore if we get to choose who our friends are. [pause] I spoke with Cuddy. She hasn't filled my position yet."
House, If you're coming back just because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness! [Wilson smiles slightly] I'd be okay with that.
Wilson," I'm coming back because you're right. That strange, annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died."
House, You hungry? [Wilson nods. House gets up and they head for the door. House stops.] Wilson.
Wilson, Yeah?
House, My dad's dead.
Wilson, Yeah. My sympathies.
Spencer, Wow.
Thirteen, Yeah.
Spencer, Come back to bed.
Thirteen, Gimme a minute.
Spencer, You get 20 seconds.
Thirteen," Hey, what are youÔøΩ"
EMT," Female, late 20s, tonic clonic seizure."
Cameron, Duration of the seizure?
Thirteen, A little over three minutes.
Cameron, Does your friend have a history of epilepsy?
Thirteen, She nEver said.
Cameron, (to Spencer) My name is Dr. Cameron. You're in a hospital. We're gonna take care of you. (to Thirteen) What's her name?
Thirteen, I don't know.
Cameron, House.
House, (putting up a finger to stop her) Eh.
Cameron, (walking toward him) I have a case I think you might be interested in.
House, (turning quickly and heading out of his office) Not now.
Cameron, A 26-year-old Woman had a tonic clonic seizure.
House," What about me speeding away says to you ""let's chat""?"
Cameron," History of fatigue, and two years ago she had a retinal vein occlusion."
House, She's diabetic.
Cameron," No, she's not. And she has no history of hypertension. (She holds out the file to House, which he ignores)"
House, (approaParkng Wilson's office) It can wait.
House, I knew I should've set up a video camera. Stay there.
House," Oh, my goodness. I played a practical joke on my best friend, and he's badly injured."
House, I wish I had learned this valuable lesson earlier. I was waiting by my window for an hour. Why are you late?
Wilson, I had a breakfast meeting at Mickey's Diner with the Mercy people to tell them! (Wilson sees a donut on a plate and a carton of milk behind the bookshelf) I'm coming back to work here. (He pulls the plate and the milk toward himself) Sorry if it interfered with your plan to maim me. (pause) Donut's a nice touch. (He takes a bite of the donut)
House," (turning and opening the door to leave) It's my way of saying ""welcome back."" (House leaves. Cameron is still waiting in the hallway)"
Cameron, The seizure could be the result of dehydration or something neurological. (She holds out the file again which House takes this time)
House, (looking at the file) Or the ecstasy you found in her system.
Cameron," According to Dr. Hadley, the Patient took the drugs about five hours before the seizure, so!"
House, (obviously curious) What does Thirteen know about it?
Cameron," Uh, apparently she was with the Patient last night."
House, (looking at the file again) At 3:00 AM? (Cameron shrugs)
House," (lecherously) Oh, yeah! PentHouse forum meets medical mystery. Maybe there is a God. (He heads back to his office)"
House," Empty transient sex? (to Thirteen) I've been waiting for you to spiral out of control, Ever since you got your Huntington's diagnosis, but this is more than I dared hope for."
Thirteen," Patient's seizure resulted from dehydration, which resulted from a cocktail of alcohol and ecstasy. Mystery solved."
Foreman, (to Thirteen) Wait. Were you doing drugs?
Thirteen, Not diagnostically relevant.
House, Depends what we're trying to diagnose. It's how steep of a spiral you're on.
Taub, Our Patient hemorrhaged into her eye two years ago.
Thirteen, Also not diagnostically relevant. Retinal vein occlusion was fixed. Her doctor said it was a venous anomaly.
House," Is he in this room? Because if he's not, I don't care what he thinks. Unless he's a she and she was there last night too, in which case I care very deeply."
Foreman," What if the eye pRoblem wasn't with her vein, but with her blood? Would explain why she seized, why she's always tired."
Thirteen, She parties till 3:00 AM. That's why she's always tired.
House, Yet you seem fine.
Thirteen, (defensively) She's visited four other doctors in the past year. None of them found anything. She's a hypochondriac who drank too much.
Kutner, Blood clots could explain Everything.
Taub, Makes sense. Bone marrow's in overdrive. Too Many platelets. (to Thirteen) Sorry.
House," Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis. And no, that one wasn't a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was."
House, I like to watch. (He follows her out the door)
Thirteen, I can handle this alone.
House," You've already handled it. That's why you need a chaperone. Of course, I'm a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me."
House," You know, if you're in the mood to start kissing, or groping, or showering."
Thirteen, (to Spencer) You'll have to excuse Dr. House. He mistakes immaturity for edginess.
Spencer, You're Dr. House?
House," I assume my name came up last night in the form of a moan. You had sex, then a seizure. Could be a particular position or activity that set it off. (to Thirteen) That sounds like a valid medical theory, doesn't it?"
Thirteen, I'm really sorry. Just ignore him.
Spencer," WhatEver you think we did, we ÔøΩ we did. And then some."
House, Lights on or off?
Thirteen, Do you have a medical rationalization for that one?
House, Light sensitivity.
Spencer, On.
House," Figured she had more shame than that. Did she talk dirty, or did you rely on vague hand signals? (House is writing something on a clipboard)"
Spencer," She's, uh, pretty direct about what she wants."
House, I'm learning so much.
House," Okay, score the score. Scale of one to ten."
Thirteen, (as she inserts the needle) Don't answer.
Spencer, (wincing from the pain) SEven.
House, (holding up a piece of paper with a large number 7 written on it) Finally got one right. (Thirteen looks thoroughly disgusted)
Lucas, You want to investigate him because he ate a donut?
House, He claimed he had a morning meeting at Mickey's Diner. Wilson loves Mickey's Diner. He has the French toast tower whenEver he sets foot in the door. There's no way he would've come to work wanting more carbs. He lied to me. I need to know why.
Lucas, What do you think you'll find out?
House," I'm worried that he might be, a spy."
Lucas, He's been gone four months. You're worried the friendship has changed.
House, I'm just not sure if he's working for Hirohito or the New England Patriots.
Lucas, You played a practical joke on him. He didn't laugh.
House," I need something to lord over him, a lie ÔøΩ"
Lucas, He didn't try to retaliate. He moralized.
House, He always moralized.
Lucas, He always moralized and got Even. He hasn't fired back.
House, Things always change.
Lucas, And that sucks.
House, Yeah. Find out where he was. (House gets up and leaves)
Thirteen," (to Spencer, accusingly) Should've known it wasn't a coincidence. (Throwing some letters down on the bed table) Found your letters. You recognized House's name. And you're the first Patient I've seen who actually enjoyed being accosted by him. (She folds her arms across her chest)"
Spencer," I would've told you, but ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, What exactly would you have told me? That you slept with me to get to House? That you've been trying to get him to take your case for over a year?
Spencer, I'm sick. No one Even wrote back.
Thirteen, You used me.
Spencer, You used me.
Thirteen, My motives were clear.
Spencer, You might've figured out my motives faster if you bothered to ask my name. (pause) I followed you to that bar because I wanted to talk to you. See if you'd help me get to House. I didn't expect you to be so aggressive.
Thirteen, Was that seizure Even real?
Spencer, Why would I fake a symptom? It would just make it harder for House to diagnose me.
Thirteen, There's nothing to diagnose. Your biopsy results are negative.
Spencer, Then it's something else.
Thirteen, Get dressed. (She throws Spencer's clothes on the bed) I'm discharging you.
Spencer, House admitted me. He obviously thinks ÔøΩ
Thirteen, House is using you as an excuse to stick his nose in my personal life.
Spencer," I'm tired all the time. Some nights I fall asleep at 10:00 and wake up at noon, still tired. Every doctor I see tells me there's nothing wrong."
Thirteen," And that proves what, exactly? That they're wrong, or that you're wrong?"
Thirteen," Oh, come on. You expect me to beliEve ÔøΩ (She rushes to Spencer) Sit back. Deep breaths. Try and relax."
Thirteen, (to the nurse who just ran into the room) Get the paddles. She's gonna crash. Damn.
Thirteen, We had to use paddles to stabilize the Patient's heart.
House," Eye issue, brain issue, now a heart issue. Sounds like a real case to me."
Thirteen," Yeah, I get it. I was wrong. Can we move on?"
House," You're just upset! Because the whole time she was with you, she was thinking of my huge, thRobbing! Diagnostic skills. Drugs would explain Everything."
Taub," This morning, you rejected drugs."
House, That's when I thought that Thirteen was right and was just jerking her around. Cardiac arrest means she could be a serious user.
Thirteen, Great.
Foreman, What?
Thirteen," That means that something she did at my place set this off. Either she brought drugs in, or she grabbed something from my medicine cabinet. And that means my place needs to be searched. Now, I'd be happy to do that myself, but unfortunately that would be far less titillating for House, so he's about to come up with some convoluted medical reason why I have to stay here while he goes through my stuff."
House, Patient's dad had bypass surgery. Means she's a candidate for atherosclerosis. She needs an ultrasound. That was much less convoluted than what you just said.
Thirteen," I'm not giving you my keys. If you want to do this, I'm going."
House, Who could pick a lock?
Foreman, I'll go. Make sure he doesn't steal any underwear.
House, You're a disgrace to your stereotype. Move over.
Foreman, Think you can pick a lock faster than me?
House, No need to pick. (House shows Foreman a key and uses it to unlock the door)
Foreman, Nice. Steal from your employees.
House, NEver. I had my dick make keys when I hired him to dick up the team.
House, Always imagined she'd have a sex swing in the living room.
Foreman, Give me my key.
House, Don't have your key.
Foreman, You expect me to beliEve that you hired Lucas to investigate Everyone except for me?
House, Waste of money.
Foreman, I already know Everything about you.
House, (pointing with his cane) Thirteen had her purse. That's gotta be the Patient's. Check it for drugs. I call shotgun on the bedroom.
Foreman, You know that I stole a car when I was a teenager. You know that my mom has Alzheimer's. You know nothing else. (Foreman has put on latex gloves and is searParkng the purse)
House, Want me to have you investigated? When did you get so needy?
Foreman, Not needy. Just don't buy it. You always want more information about people. Look where we are.
Foreman, Purse is clean.
House, Last night wasn't the first time that Thirteen brought home some strange.
Foreman, You found her diary ÔøΩ
House," No toys. You sleep with the same person over and over, that's when you need accessories. First time is plenty exciting on its own. (He takes something from the drawer) Unless!"
House, You think an asthma inhaler could be used as a sex toy? (He gets up of the bed and gives the inhaler a squirt)
Foreman, There are ways of getting to know people without committing felonies.
House, People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman, Because conversations go both ways.
 Foreman together, (both are smiling) Like Thirteen.
House, (to Thirteen) Brown recluse. Found it at your apartment. Their venom can cause seizures and heart pRoblems. Unless the ultrasound showed anything ÔøΩ
Thirteen, No. What room did you find it in?
House," Bathroom. Nice bidet, by the way. Very refreshing."
Thirteen, I don't have a bidet.
House, Oh. Spider's not the only interesting thing I found. (He pulls the inhaler out of his jacket pocket)
Thirteen," Yeah, my inhaler is fascinating. It's got its own extensive online following."
Taub, You have asthma?
Thirteen, When I was a kid. It started acting up again when I moved into my new place.
Kutner, You moved?
Thirteen, Who cares?
House," He doesn't. He's just surprised he didn't know. You withhold things other people would nEver bother to. The move, a little wheeze, whatEver you thought was in my pocket instead of your inhaler. Maybe I should make a return trip to your place."
Kutner, Spider bite doesn't explain anything unless the Patient was actually bitten by a spider. (He stands up) I'll do the exam.
House, Don't be ridiculous. That would be inappropriate. It'd be better if a Woman gropes her. There's no sexual tension that way. (Thirteen stands to go do the exam)
Thirteen, I need you to stand up and take off your gown.
Spencer, I think I would've felt a spider biting me.
Thirteen, Not necessarily.
Spencer, (talking about the gloves) You really need those after Everything we did the other night?
Thirteen, The other night I wasn't your doctor. (She lifts Spencer's arm and starts looking for a spider bite)
Spencer, How long are you gonna stay mad at me?
Thirteen, How long are you going to be here?
Spencer," Oh. Okay, then."
Thirteen, (while continuing the exam) Look! I really had no intention of Ever seeing you again.
Spencer, So! Having me end up here is a little less than ideal. I get it. But! We just met. How'd you know you didn't want to see me again?
Thirteen, It's nothing personal. I'm just really not that into repeat perforMances.
Spencer, I figured I wasn't the first girl you cruised.
Thirteen, Why is that?
Spencer, You're awfully good at it.
Thirteen," You'd think with all that experience that I'd be better than a sEven. (She examines Spencer's shoulders, then moves her hair aside to look at her neck)"
Spencer," We just met. We were both drunk. Not like there wasn't potential. (pause) Little more practice for the both of us, I'd say we're looking at a nine. Easy. (She looks back at Thirteen, they are very close) But that would require a repeat perforMance. (Spencer moves in close, intending to kiss Thirteen) You didn't have to move your hand."
Thirteen, I didn't. My hand's on your hip. You don't feel that? (The mood has been broken)
Spencer, No. What does that mean?
Thirteen, It means it's not a spider bite.
Thirteen," Blood test confirms low potassium lEvels. Explains the numbness in her hip. It's not good, but I think we've got time for at least one or two comments about my personal life."
House, Which you just wasted with that comment about my comments. Low potassium means her heart pRoblem was a symptom of a kidney pRoblem. What caused the kidney pRoblem?
Thirteen, Could be IgA nephropathy.
House, Not without blood in the urine.
Thirteen, PSAGN?
House, Not with normal blood pressure.
Thirteen," Renal tubular acidosis. Her kidney's don't filter acid out of the blood. Excess acid drives down potassium, causes kidney calcifications."
House," If it's RTA, all she needs is sodium bicarbonate for the acid and surgery to remove the calcifications. CT her kidneys. If you find calcifications, we have our diagnosis. (House continues on down the corridor, Thirteen heads back to Spencer's room)"
House, What's he doing now?
Lucas, He's playing that carjacking video game. He'd get a lot farther if he didn't stop at all the red lights.
House, Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for.
Lucas, Like!
House, Just about anything.
Lucas, You don't think it's that.
House, I don't think it's just about anything?
Lucas," You don't think it's about anything trivial. If you weren't worried, you wouldn't be sitting in my car."
House, Maybe he's seeing a shrink.
House," Doesn't matter if it isn't. Wilson doesn't buy his ""pizza.""ÔøΩ There's eight units in this building. There's got to be a pervert like me living in at least one of them."
Lucas," Yes, because you represent one out of Every eight people living in this country. (The scene shifts to show Wilson moving toward his front door. The Woman is standing at the front door of the building) Apparently he has dEveloped a taste for pizza. (The door of the building opens and the Woman goes in)"
Lucas," Ah, things change."
Taub, CT shows one more calcification near the superior pyramid on the left kidney.
Chase, See it.
Foreman," That, um, thing, you were hoping House didn't find at your place. I, uh, I found it. (He pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Thirteen who puts it in her lab coat pocket)"
Foreman, You did the CAG test two weeks ago. A number this high means you have less time than you thought. It's understandable you'd be upset. Doesn't mean you have to self-destruct.
Thirteen, It's not noble for you to protect me from House if you're just gonna Judge ÔøΩ
Foreman," There are things you should be doing. Working out, improving balance and coordination."
Thirteen," Yeah, that sounds like a blast. I'm having fun. Cramming as much life into my life as I can."
Foreman," You're doing drugs. (They now turn to face one another) Staying up all night, having sex with strangers."
Thirteen, It sounds fun to me. Good night. (She leaves)
Chase, Close the incisions.
Taub, She won't Even have a scar.
Chase, Her 02 stats are dropping.
Taub, Did you nick something?
Chase, Procedure was clean. BP's strong.
Taub," Well, she's not breathing. We need to intubate. (Taub pulls the oxygen mask off of Spencer's face and prepares to insert the endotracheal tube)"
Taub, The breathing pRoblem started after we fixed her kidney pRoblem. Means the RTA isn't the underlying cause.
House, Where's Thirteen?
Foreman, Traffic's bad. She's pRobably just ÔøΩ
House, Not here.
Taub," It's not her lungs. No masses, no infiltrates."
House," Her lungs are working, but she still can't breathe."
Kutner," Distribution plant can't distribute if it's not getting deliveries. If her lungs are fine, maybe the pRoblem's in the supply line. Airway collapse."
Taub, That could signal autoimmune or some kind of dystrophy as the underlying cause.
House, There's only one way to find out if her airway failed. Make it happen again. Stick Thirteen's carpet cleaner on a treadmill. Methacholine challenge. And someone find the carpet. (The team leaves)
Thirteen, Exam going on. 15 minutes.
Cuddy," Good morning, Dr. Hadley."
Foreman, Just spoke to my brother.
House," And by brother, you mean?"
Foreman, I mean my parents' other son.
House, Wow. Same dad.
Foreman," Got a call last week from your PI. You lied. You did have me investigated. You've been taunting the team with what you've learned, but you nEver came after me. (grinning) Means you couldn't find anything."
House, You're right.
House," That's because you haven't done anything stupid, spontaneous, or Even vaguely interesting since you were 17. And that's just sad. (The elevator door closes)"
Cuddy, (to House) I found her in the clinic giving herself IV fluids.
House, At least you could've let her finish. She looks terrible.
Cuddy, She has a fresh nightclub stamp on her wrist. She's in no condition to practice.
House," Unless this is a prelude to an actual spanking, there's no reason for me to be ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, I want her to take a drug test.
Thirteen, You can't make me do that.
Cuddy, But I can suspend you until you do.
House," (to Cuddy) Because she went to a nightclub in her free time? Or because she had sex in her free time? Patient was undergoing routine surgery for RTA. Didn't need Thirteen here for that. And I don't need you making my employees punch a clock or pee in a cup. (to Thirteen, nodding his head toward the door.) Let's go. (Thirteen hesitates)"
House, (opening the door) Come on. (Cuddy looks stunned)
Thirteen, (as they walk into the clinic area) Thank you.
House," By the way, (they stop) the surgery was not routine, Patient stopped breathing and you missed a differential. You're fired."
Thirteen, What? You just defended me.
House," No, I just prEvented you from getting a drug test. PRobably saved your career. I'm already taking responsibility for one doctor with a drug habit. (He pops a Vicodin)"
Thirteen, I don't have a drug habit.
House, The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass. (He leaves Thirteen looking confused)
House, I haven't sat on this couch for four months. It remembers my cheeks. I miss this.
Wilson, Me too. Me trying to work. You interrupting.
House," Oh, come on. Your Patients can wait five minutes. Get me caught up. Come on, what did you do? Travel? Did you get a new hobby? Did you meet someone?"
Wilson," Actually, yes. I sort of, started, dating someone."
House, Great. What does she do? Is she! an actress?
Wilson, No. Why would you think that?
House, I just figured you'd want something a little more! Exciting!
Wilson," She's not! You're gonna find out anyway because you're gonna meet her. She's! a prostitute. Used to be. She made some mistakes. Single mom, had some drug issues. But! she's so smart. She wants to go to law school. And! I told her I'd help her with tuition."
House, How long have you known her?
Wilson, I knew you'd be like this.
House, I asked a question.
Wilson, House! You are a drug addict. You go to prostitutes. You can't be judgmental.
House, And yet.
Wilson," Please, don't do this to me. I was hurting, and I wanted to feel good. I didn't expect it! to go this way. I! Amber! Said that she wanted me to move on. That she wanted me to! Be happy. And ÔøΩ Debbie, makes me happy."
House," If you're happy, I'm! (He gets up suddenly and disappears out the door, leaving Wilson looking puzzled)"
Foreman, I heard.
Thirteen, Yeah. I'm looking for my ticket back.
Foreman, Sorry if I upset you. I didn't want to invade your privacy.
Thirteen, It wasn't your fault. Can you get me caught up?
Foreman, Think you're gonna find something we didn't?
Thirteen, It's good for the Patient. Good for me.
Foreman, Films are clean. We ruled out hypertension. Guys have her on a treadmill running a methacholine challenge. And I still think you've been acting like an idiot.
Thirteen, I know. Did you talk about whether this lung field looks a little dark?
Foreman, It's pRobably just over-exposed.
Thirteen, Or her diaphragm's a little flat. Could be a sign of hyperinflation.
Foreman, Suggests a pulmonary obstruction.
Thirteen, Lung cysts. They wouldn't show up on an X-ray. Treadmill test isn't gonna close her airway. It'll make her lungs explode.
Kutner," Her throat's fine. We made her airway collapse, but it's not collapsed."
Thirteen, You ruptured a cyst! Her lung collapsed. (She quickly pulls something out of a cabinet)
Taub, Breath sounds on both sides.
Thirteen, Move. Trachea's deviating to the left.
Foreman, (who followed Thirteen) Nice.
Kutner," Chest CT confirmed multiple lung cysts, one of which burst during the treadmill test."
Foreman," Luckily, Thirteen figured out the pRoblem and was there to re-inflate her lung."
Thirteen," Lung cysts plus all her other symptoms could be Amyloidosis, which we can Manage. Or pulmonary fibrosis which ÔøΩ"
House, Thank you. My employees can take care of it from here. (He sits down behind his desk) We need to biopsy the cysts.
Thirteen, You fired me because I screwed up. I just proved I can pull my weight.
House, All you proved is you know how to make an entrance.
Foreman," House, she deserves another shot. She found the cysts, saved the Patient."
House, Who wouldn't have needed saving if Thirteen had shown up at the differential in the first place.
Taub," Give her her job back, House."
House, Or what? You're gonna quit? Go do the biopsy. (Taub and Kutner leave)
Foreman," (to Thirteen) I'm sorry. (He follows Taub and Kutner, leaving Thirteen standing alone in front of House)"
House," How much clearer do I need to make this? (Thirteen looks at House and then, clearly upset, turns and walks out of his office)"
Lucas," What does that Even mean, ""dating a hooker""?"
House, He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Savior to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg. Second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.
Lucas, From you or the ho?
House, The ho's just using him for his money. Wait. Bad example.
Lucas," Normally in these situations, I'd follow the girl, find out something embarrassing about her to show him. But since that's our starting position!"
House, Proceed directly to the leg-breaking.
Lucas," I'm not breaking her legs. She pRobably has a pimp. Or, at least, an older brother. Or a younger brother. Or overprotective sister."
House," Find her, find her family, find client number nine. Just get me something I can use to force her to back off."
Taub," (approaParkng the bench) Sorry to interrupt your meeting, Mannix. Here's the result from the lung biopsy."
House," Why not men? You're bisexual. If you were just being self-destructive, you'd be having random sex with men. Better chance of getting assaulted, catParkng a disease. If this were just about getting laid, it'd be a lot easier to pick up men. Or ugly girls. This Woman's hot. Which means you like the challenge, the conquest. It's the control that gets you off. And controlling women is as close as you can get to controlling what's gonna happen to you."
Thirteen, Here I thought I was just into boobs.
House," Instead of getting sweaty with a stranger, why don't you try taking it to the next lEvel? Play God. (he hands Thirteen the file) Tell a girl that she's got ten years to live. She has LAM. (Thirteen looks down at the file)"
Thirteen, (closing the file and looking up at House) Okay.
House, This is not a test. You're not getting your job back if you can ÔøΩ
Thirteen," I know what it's like to get this news, and no one should have to get it from you. (House leaves)"
Spencer, Hey.
Thirteen, The biopsy of your lung cyst showed smooth muscle cells. That's indicative of a disease called LAM.
Spencer, What do you do for that?
Thirteen," Surgery to remove the cysts. But! They'll come back. Little by little, the cysts replace healthy lung tissue until your lungs stop working."
Spencer, I'm gonna die.
Thirteen, Yes. I'm so sorry.
Thirteen, They removed all the cysts they could. That should help you breathe better.
Spencer, How long until the cysts come back?
Thirteen, We don't know exactly. I'm sorry.
Spencer, Stop saying you're sorry.
Thirteen, I know you're scared.
Spencer, I don't know what I feel.
Thirteen, You're gonna be numb for a few more days. Then you'll go home and cry for a few weeks. And then you get angry. Start telling yourself nothing matters anymore. You start doing stupid things. Maybe you go out to bars and pick up a bunch of women.
Spencer, You're! (Thirteen nods) How long do you have?
Thirteen, Maybe a little more than you. Maybe a little less. I'll race you. (She gets up to leave)
Thirteen, I was thinking maybe I'd come back later.
Spencer, Sounds good.
Spencer," Oh, God. What's going on?"
Thirteen, All her blood counts are down. It's a new symptom. Aplastic anemia.
House," Does the word ""fired"" have some whole other definition that I'm not aware of? (He turns to face Thirteen)"
Thirteen, I don't work for you. Fine. Don't pay me. Just let me finish out this case.
House, So you like her now that she's dying. What happens if she stops dying?
Foreman," There's no danger of that right now. If we don't figure out what's wrong with her, she's got days, not years."
Taub," Aplastic anemia takes LAM off the table. Unfortunately, none of our other choices are any better. PNH with some sort of respiratory infection."
Thirteen, Best case gives her 12 years.
Kutner, Or fast-moving Langerhans.
Thirteen, A few months.
Foreman," Or mastocytosis, which can cause systemic shock and kill her in days."
House," Go. Test for Everything. (Taub, Kutner, and Foreman leave) (to Thirteen) Not you. You're just a visitor."
Chase, How's your Patient?
Foreman, She doesn't have Langerhans.
Chase, That's good.
Foreman," Actually, a cancer diagnosis would be good news right now. (he pauses) Do you think! I'm boring?"
Chase, Yes. (He pulls a tray out of the lighted cabinet)
Foreman, You're saying that just to screw with me.
Chase, Yeah. Why would you expect anything else?
Foreman," I expect House to pull my strings. I expect Cameron to make me feel better. I expect the new team to kiss my ass. And I expect you to be honest, 'cause you don't give a crap."
Chase," Yes, you're boring. That speech was boring."
Foreman, Thanks so much. (He peers into a microscope)
Chase," You don't let other people's pRoblems affect you. You don't let your own pRoblems affect you. And it's the screw-ups that make us interesting. You're nEver out of control. Which is good, and! boring. NEver losing control also means you're nEver putting yourself out there. NEver pushing your limits. On the other hand, you do have a tattoo, so! Maybe I'm wrong."
Spencer, I'm glad you're here.
House, She needs a bone marrow transplant.
Thirteen, Test results are back? What's she positive for?
House, Nothing. But we've got a donor match.
Thirteen, Jumping to a transplant when we don't know what she ÔøΩ
House, I know she has a blood disorder. Could be PNH. She needs a bone marrow transplant. Or leukemia. She needs a bone marrow transplant. Or thalassemia. She needs a bone marrow ÔøΩ
Thirteen," Yeah, I get it. But she'll nEver survive total body irradiation."
House, So we don't radiate her. Her marrow's nearly wiped out already. Counts almost zero.
Thirteen," ""Almost"" being the key word. The new marrow would attack the old marrow. She'll die from graft-versus-host."
House, You got a better idea? She trusts you. Go get her consent.
Lucas, Sometimes I find out things you'd rather not know. (House opens the bag to rEveal a used syringe) This was in his trash. He's using. (House grins)
House, You're back.
House, Genius.
Wilson, Damn. I knew the fake works was too much.
House," Well, you had no choice. (He closes the door and sits down on the couch) Where were you gonna go after fake hooker girlfriend? How did you know he was outside?"
Wilson," Cane prints. I'm actually kind of insulted. No way I'm a drug addict, but you completely buy that I fell in love with a prostitute?"
House," You played to your strengths. By which I mean you played to your weaknesses. (House suddenly realizes something) Oh, my God. You invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero."
Wilson, Best $30 I Ever spent.
House, It's $30? Did you keep her number?
Wilson," Unfortunately, I killed her and buried her in the basement."
House, Shame. Hungry?
Wilson, Yeah. (Wilson gets up)
House," So, seriously. Where were you the other morning?"
Wilson," Ugh, don't make me do this again. It has nothing to do with you."
House, Then tell me.
Wilson, (putting on his jacket) We're going bowling on Monday. I'm coming over to play poker this weekend. Nothing's changed. You have to trust that.
House, (too compliantly) Okay.
Wilson," You're gonna keep following me, aren't you?"
House, It's what we do.
Wilson," Be outside my apartment at 8:00 tonight. (House gets up, grinning triumphantly)"
Thirteen, She said yes to the transplant.
House, Good. You're in a downward spiral of destruction.
Thirteen, I can stop.
House, You're gonna keep spiraling. Keep screwing around. Slashing away at Every person who tries to help until no one tries to help anymore. Till you hit bottom. Till you're dead. Until then! I can use you.
Thirteen, You're hiring me back?
House, You did good work.
Thirteen," I did good work yesterday, and I was still fired. What changed? (with sudden realization) You wanted me to spend time with her. See if I could still make a connection."
House," You connected with a diagnosis, not with her."
Thirteen," You're trying to save me, trying to control me. You're doing exactly what you think that I'm ÔøΩ"
House, (noticing something) Cracks. You're lips are cracked. (Thirteen puts her fingers to her lips) You been using your inhaler lately?
Thirteen, Allergies. Don't deflect. You always deflect.
House," (thinking) Did she cry? When you told her that she was gonna die, did she cry?"
Thirteen, She! got upset. She ÔøΩ
House, Were. there. tears?
Thirteen, No.
House," Chopping an onion releases a mist of syn-propanethial-s-oxide, a chemical irritant (House holds the cut onion in front of Spencer's nose while trying not to tear up himself) which causes people to have a very predictable reaction."
Thirteen, She has no tears.
House," It was either this or put on Brian's song. I didn't have time to stop by Wilson's. (House puts down the onion, reaches for a tissue and wipes his eyes) She has Sjogren's. It attacks the glands that produce tears and saliva. Also, by the way, causes lung cysts and RTA."
Thirteen, It doesn't cause bleeding.
House," It's like you and men. Just 'cause you usually don't, doesn't mean you can't."
Thirteen, And it doesn't cause cracked lips in other people.
House, Lack of spit makes her mouth a breeding ground for a fungus like Candida. (House picks up the cutting board and the onion and moves it aside) Your asthma inhaler did the same for you. Wiped out your mouth's immune system.
Spencer, So she's got what I've got.
House," Just the opportunistic infection, not the underlying condition. Another life saved by girl-on-girl action."
Spencer, I'm gonna be okay?
Thirteen, You're gonna be okay.
House, Methylprednisolone to get the Sjogren's under control. And some artificial tears to maximize the visual impact of this moment. (He holds up his hands as if framing a camera shot. Thirteen smiles hesitantly)
Foreman, Spencer's gonna be fine. And I hear you got your job back. I'm gonna keep standing here until you say something.
Thirteen," (closing her locker and pausing) I feel alone. And, she hasn't gone anywhere."
Foreman, She gets to live.
Thirteen, (sighing) I'm gonna go home. I'm tired. (She leaves the locker room)
Cuddy, What do you think?
House," Oh, my God! You guys shop here too? Best nipples in Princeton."
Cuddy, Why are you here?
House, (taking off his sunglasses) Because he ate the donut.
Wilson, I'm so sorry. He must've followed me.
Cuddy, (not believing Wilson) I'm sure.
House," Well, you're clearly not pregnant, so either you're buying this as a gift, or this is some kind of weird ""if you build it, they will come"" moment."
Cuddy, I'm adopting a baby.
Wilson, She asked me to be a character reference. That's where I was the other morning. I'm sorry. I couldn't betray her confidence.
Cuddy," I didn't want anyone else to know in case I didn't get approved. Today, I did. (She smiles broadly)"
Cuddy, Are you gonna congratulate me?
House," If you're happy, I'm ÔøΩ"
Jerry, What time?
SaMantha, 4:30.
Jerry, Why so late?
SaMantha, Make-up test in social studies.
Jerry, Did you invite Shelby for Saturday?
SaMantha, No.
Jerry, Do you want me to call her?
SaMantha," Yeah, that'd be great. You calling a 12-year-old girl for a sleepover."
Jerry, It'll be fine.
SaMantha, Make you a deal. I'll call a friend when you call a friend.
Jerry, It's your birthday. Do what you want.
SaMantha, Thank you. Bye.
Jerry, Bye.
Jerry, What did you forget?
SaMantha, Nothing.
Jerry, Then why'd you come back?
SaMantha, 'Cause I live here.
Jerry," Come on, SaMantha, you're gonna be late for school."
SaMantha, What are you talking about? It's 4:30.
SaMantha, Are you okay?
Jerry," I, uh! Tired, I guess."
SaMantha, What's wrong?
Jerry, I don't know.
Cuddy," Great. That's all I need to know. [to House] You're late! [on the phone] Okay, bye. [She tries to give House a Patient file.] 37-year-old male with recurring blackouts."
House, Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.
Cuddy, The three doctors he's already seen already ruled out drugs and alcohol.
House," Well, then it's epilepsy. Tell him to buy a hockey helmet ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, EEG's clean. So is the CT.
House, Relax. Just because you got approved by an adoption agency doesn't mean you'll get approved by the birth mother. You're a single mom. That puts you somewhere below couples acquitted in day care scandals.
Cuddy," You're welcome, Dr. House. It is an interesting case. [She starts to leave.]"
House, What time are you seeing the mom?
Cuddy, [turning back] Are you having your guy follow me?
House," I just trashed your social value as a mother, and all I got was a little sarcasm. It means you don't feel the need to defend yourself, which means you're not worried about getting a kid, which means you've already got one."
Cuddy, We're meeting at 11:00. She's due to deliver a baby girl in two weeks.
House, I'm sure the mom'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor.
Cuddy, She's not a crack baby.
House," No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the huMan genome."
Cuddy, She confessed to some past meth use.
House, What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.
Cuddy, Because a kid you don't know may have some pRoblems you don't know about that she may have passed on to a kid?
House," Because you're a control seeking narcissist. Which is fine, good Even, in some jobs. But you're not equipped to handle a real kid, nEver mind a factory second. Where are you meeting her?"
Cuddy," In a little place called ""follow me and your urologist will be buying himself a new yacht."""
House," They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games."
Cuddy, I'm not changing my mind. [She enters the clinic.]
Thirteen, Could be post concussion syndrome.
House, Not without a pre-concussion. Pick a number.
Thirteen, For what?
House, Cuddy pool. She got the nod. Little tweaker's due in 14 days.
Kutner, That's great news! I think.
House," It's good news. The great news is she insisted that she's not gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she's not ready to be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind. The only question is when. $100 buy in. Less than sEven means the next sEven days."
Foreman, But she's been dying for a kid for three years. No way she's gonna back out now.
House, Not one of the options.
Taub, Mini strokes can cause blackouts and memory loss.
Thirteen, Nine hours is a lot of time to be out for a mini stroke.
Foreman, And there'd be residual damage on the CT.
Thirteen, Guy works at home as a consumer product tester. He could've been exposed to a toxin that caused short-term memory loss. Wouldn't show up on imaging.
Kutner, Cavernous sinus thrombosis could cause absence seizures and memory loss. I'll take 7 to 14.
House, We have a player.
Thirteen, You just said it was great news. Now you want to bet against her?
Kutner," It's only great news if she wants it to be great news. House knows her better than any of us. [House has written ""Kutner""ÔøΩ in the middle column.] I'd rather use a pseudonym."
House," Good thinking. [He adds an ""S""ÔøΩ in front of Kutner's name.]I say she's gonna meet the mom and bolt. I'm going for the early fold. [He writes ""Jones""ÔøΩ in the first column.] Check his home for toxins and his sinuses for thrombosises."
Taub, Maybe he ODed on caffeine.
Thirteen," Apparently he didn't drink the coffee, just smelled it."
Taub, Wow. Did they just move here?
Thirteen, Six years ago.
Taub, This is no way to raise a kid.
Thirteen, He's a single dad. I'm sure he's doing his best.
Taub, Which is why single people shouldn't have kids.
Thirteen, You got a pRoblem with what Cuddy's doing? You think single mothers can't ÔøΩ
Taub, I think the traditional family is a fraud. Even married moms are single moms. Daddy just pays some bills and reads just enough bedtime stories to not kill himself out of guilt.
Thirteen, My dad was great. After my mom died ÔøΩ
Taub," He might be the exception. On the other hand, you are fairly screwed up. [He goes back to the living room.]"
Thirteen," No booze, no meds, no drugs."
Taub, [pulling the curtain aside] And no view. Building's half-empty. He'd rather have a view of the turnpike than the Park.
Thirteen, Park views are pRobably 50% more. You're the surprised the guy's a pragmatist after looking at this place?
Taub, Guy's not a pragmatist. He's a flagellant.
Thirteen, Ump. Looks like mold.
Taub, Mom would've cleaned better.
Thirteen, Exposure to certain types of mold can cause short-term memory loss. We're testing both of you.
SaMantha, I feel fine.
Thirteen, I'm sure you are. We're just being cautious. So where do you guys go other than home and school? [She checks SaMantha's eyes.]
SaMantha," Nowhere. Dad works at home, and I go to school."
Thirteen," What about sports, friends, travel?"
SaMantha," Like I said, dad works at home, and I go to school."
Thirteen," [checking SaMantha's glands] Must be hard not having your mom around, huh?"
SaMantha, I was only four when the accident happened.
Thirteen," Still, I'm sure you both miss her sometimes."
SaMantha, Not really.
Thirteen, You're strong.
SaMantha," No, I just don't get what the big deal about death is, you know?"
Thirteen, Yeah.
Foreman, How is she?
Thirteen," Physically, she's fine. Mentally, she's weird."
Foreman," I'm sure she's just freaked out about her dad. [He looks past her.] Mr. Harmon? [Jerry is at the elevator, fully dressed.] Mr. Harmon."
Thirteen, Where are you going?
Jerry, I have an appointment. I have to go.
Thirteen, We haven't finished with your treatment. We're still waiting on some test results.
Jerry, I have an appointment.
Foreman," Sorry, you're gonna have to reschedule."
Jerry, I really have to go.
Thirteen," [with a puzzled look at Foreman] Mr. Harmon, do you know where you are?"
Jerry, Why are you trying to stop me?
Foreman, [flashlight in hand] Look at his eyes.
Thirteen, Is he having a seizure?
Foreman, His pupils are responsive. I think he's! asleep.
Taub, He was just asleep. Means no memory loss. And sleepwalking doesn't kill. Unless he walks out a window.
Foreman, Sleepwalking's not a diagnosis. It's a symptom. As long as we can't figure out why ÔøΩ
Taub, Stress-induced insomnia. Lots of people sleepwalk.
Foreman, Not in the middle of the day before they've Even put their head on a pillow.
Kutner, Could be some sort of narcolepsy.
House, [inspecting the coffee area] Which is caused by!
Kutner, There's usually genetic history.
House, Or?
Thirteen," If you know the answer, can you tell us the answer?"
House, I don't know the answer. Which brings us back to ÔøΩ or?
Kutner, Some sort of environmental trigger.
House, Which means?
Taub, It's a toxin.
House, So we are?
Thirteen, Being lead down an annoying path.
House, I honestly don't know where this is going. Just following the clues.
Taub, We're right back where we started. The mold we found doesn't cause these symptoms. And there's nothing else at his home.
House, And?
Thirteen, And you're obnoxious. He nEver goes anywhere else.
House, Which we know because?
Thirteen, Because he says so. Because his daughter says so. Because they have no reason to lie.
House, Which proves he nEver goes anywhere else! [pause] when! [pause] he's! [longer pause]
Taub, Conscious.
House," Oh, my God, you're right."
Foreman, He said he had an appointment.
House," Next time, let him keep it. Send him home. See where his dreams take him."
Cuddy, Becca?
Becca, Dr. Cuddy?
Cuddy, Lisa. Nice to meet you.
Becca," Oh, you want one? [She indiCated the frosted cookies on a plate in front of her.]"
Cuddy, No thanks.
Becca," I can't stop eating them. I guess it's, like, a craving. I must have, like, a dozen a day. Oh, and this is decaf."
Cuddy, How have you been feeling?
Becca," Oh, you know, tired, fat, nervous."
Cuddy," Is there, um, anything you want to ask me?"
Becca," Uh, yeah, actually, I just have one question. Um, what are you gonna call her?"
Cuddy," Ah, I'm not sure. It's all been rather sudden, you know? I like Joy. But as I said, I haven't really decided yet."
Becca," Well, is there anything you want to ask me? It's okay."
Cuddy," The agency web site is filled with prospective parents. Their photos, their biographies. There's so Many wonderful people out there. Wonderful couples."
Becca," Why did I choose a single mom? My grandmother was married for 37 years to a Man that treated her like garbage. And my mom would've stayed married to my loser dad that long, but he dumped her. You know, I nEver understood how you could fall for the same crap as your mother. Then I met Tony. [pause] When I read your bio, a doctor, a head of a hospital, I saw your picture! I don't want her raised by a loser."
Cuddy, [looks at Becca's wrist] How long have you had that rash?
Becca, I don't know. A few days?
Cuddy, Have you had any joint pain?
Becca," Yeah, I'm pregnant. All my joints hurt."
Cuddy, They shouldn't all hurt. Have you been using?
Becca, Not in sEven months. Not since I found out I was pregnant.
Cuddy, That needs to be checked out.
Thirteen, You sure you don't want Parkldren?
Taub," You know, just because we're stuck here and I'm lying down doesn't mean we need to get deep."
Thirteen, You're afraid you'll make the same mistake you made with your wife. Get caught taking some other kid to a ball game.
Taub, I like my life as it is.
Thirteen, Alpha waves increasing.
Taub, Any change in demeanor?
Thirteen," No, nothing. He just got up."
Taub," [getting up and checking the equipment] Maybe it's a result of the blood pressure change. Delta waves, out of nowhere. He's now asleep. Brain's supposed to turn off motor function."
Thirteen," If the brain was doing what it was supposed to be doing, we wouldn't be here. He's leaving. Come on."
Cuddy, She's 38 weeks. You think it's fifth disease?
Becca, What's that?
Cuddy, It's a viral infection. It can infect the fetus.
Cameron," Usually in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, and in women who have trouble with their immune system."
Cuddy, History of drug use could've compromised her immune system.
Becca, I told you I haven't used anything in sEven months.
Cameron, It does look more like a heat rash to me.
Cuddy," Yes, well, maybe we want to look at the actual blood tests."
Cameron, Of course. [She removes her gloves and walks off.]
Becca, She works for you?
Cuddy, Yeah.
Becca, Everybody here works for you.
Cuddy," [nods slightly] When this happens for real, are you okay to deliver here?"
Becca," Yeah, sure."
Cuddy, Good.
Cameron, [returning with the test results] Blood work's normal.
Cuddy, Test it again.
Cameron, Tested it twice. [to Becca] I'll get you some topical cream for that rash.
Cuddy, I'm admitting her.
Cameron, There's nothing wrong with her.
Cuddy, There are dozens of other things this rash could indiCate. I want a full fetal work up.
House, You're losing it. That's what happens when you have kids. Ceaseless crying and nagging leads to irrational fears. It's impressive that you didn't wait for the actual crying and nagging.
Cuddy," She had a lace pattern rash, joint pain, and a history of drug abuse. You would've done exactly the same thing."
House, Uh-huh. And I'd be an excellent father.
Cuddy, Hey! What are you doing?
House, Baby barf. Maternity ward was handing out free samples.
Cuddy," [pulling tissues from a dispenser at the nurses' station] Well played, sir. You leave me no choice but to change. My clothes, not my mind."
House," That's exactly my point. It's not gonna be me and a cup. It's gonna be eight times a day. If you can't handle wearing that stain, you can't handle a baby."
Cuddy, Why do you Even care? It's not like I'm Ever gonna ask you to babysit.
House, I'm a huManitarian.
Taub, We should stop him.
Thirteen, The whole point was to ÔøΩ
Taub, Let him plow into some innocent bystander?
Thirteen," His legs are working. Obviously, his eyes are working too."
Taub, His reaction time could be slower.
Thirteen, He's stopping.
Taub," Yeah, I see. [A Woman is leaning into Jerry's car. Only her butt and legs are visible.] He's having sleep sex."
Thirteen, Maybe. Pull up to her.
Taub, I know.
Thirteen, What'd that guy want?
Sadie, Piss off.
Thirteen, Go after him. She's not a hooker.
Taub, How do you know?
Thirteen," Do you want me to describe the clues, or do you want to stop him before he finishes off the drugs he just bought?"
Thirteen," Apparently, Rip's a coke fiend."
House, So Sleeping Beauty has a Jones for Snow White.
Taub, Coke explains the narcolepsy. Narcolepsy explains the sleepwalking.
Foreman," But it doesn't explain the rip in the space-time continuum. Coke leads to sleepwalking, which leads to coke, which leads to sleepwalking. What caused the first sleepwalking?"
Thirteen, The coke he took while he was wide-awake.
Kutner, Says he didn't.
Thirteen, Wouldn't be the first time somebody lied about drug use.
Kutner, He has no reason to lie. He knows he's sick. His job doesn't drug test. No relationship. His daughter wouldn't find out.
House, Maybe he just forgot.
Taub, Forgot he did cocaine? You're going with forgot over lying?
House, Fits. Cocaine explains the narcolepsy. Narcolepsy explains the sleepwalking. WhatEver is in the cocaine other than the cocaine explains the memory loss.
Taub, Dealers cut this stuff with all kinds of garbage.
Thirteen," Great, we'll start him on immediate treatment for all kinds of garbage."
House, You can narrow it down in the lab.
Thirteen, Not without a sample.
House, So get a sample.
Taub, You want us to score cocaine from a drug dealer?
House, It's exciting.
Thirteen, It's a felony.
House, It's necessary.
Cameron, There she is. Amniotic fluid looks good. Good fetal movement. Heart's beating nicely. [She leans forward to stare at the image.]
Cuddy, What?
Cameron, It looks like pulmonary hypoplasia.
Becca, What's that?
Cuddy, The baby's lungs are underdEveloped. She won't be able to breath on her own.
Becca, She might die?
Cuddy, I don't know.
Cameron," If she was born today, she'd be in trouble, but we're not gonna let that happen. We'll put you on magnesium to prEvent labor and steroids to grow the lungs. It's a good thing Dr. Cuddy brought you in."
Taub, How do you know what a drug dealer looks like?
Thirteen," I'm not doing drugs, if that's what you're asking. I just noticed that she had cash in her hand. Obviously came from him. Obviously didn't have enough time to perform any other services."
Taub, I didn't notice her holding any ÔøΩ
Thirteen, Mmph. There she is. [They get out of the car.]
Taub," Uh, we're not cops. Cops aren't allowed to say that, right?"
Sadie," Yeah, they can say it. But if you were a cop, you'd know that. What do you want?"
Taub," [looking around before leaning close to Sadie] I would like to buy some cocaine, please."
Sadie," Oh, definitely not a cop."
Taub, Thank you.
Thirteen, Wait.
Thirteen, It's good.
Taub," Glad you like it, Pablo. Now can we go?"
Thirteen, No. You gave us the wrong stuff.
Sadie, What are you talking about? You got my best.
Thirteen," I know. I don't want the good ""get your new customer hooked"" stuff. I want the stepped on ""keep the old customer coming back for more"" stuff."
Sadie," Are you crazy, bitch?"
Thirteen," No, I'm a just a bitch who knows what she wants."
House," Looks like this kid thing is really working out for you. All of the shopping, none of the stretch marks."
Cuddy, Not a good time.
House," Right, kid's getting worse. Blessing in disguise. Although a completely predictable one. You take in strays, don't be surprised by the worms."
Cuddy, Still wearing the sweater.
House, I didn't say you weren't stubborn. I said you weren't maternal.
Cuddy, Thank you. Go away.
House, You're getting crankier.
Cuddy, Baby's sick. Sorry I'm not finding the fun in that.
House, Is it really worth it? Just for the pursuit of unconditional love?
Cuddy, Only you could see that as a bad thing.
House, It's a fake thing. There's no unconditional love. It's just unconditional need. Don't make this Parkld a victim of your biological clock.
Cuddy, Victim? You think she's better off staying ÔøΩ
House, Yes! Because at least she knows she's not qualified for the job.
Cuddy," Let me guess. I'm gonna tell her not to play ball in the House, but she's not gonna listen."
House," No, actually, I was going for ""she sneaks her boyfriend in while you're sleeping, and he wants to do it on the desk."" And at first she says no, but she has issues with self-esteem."
Cuddy, You know you're gonna pay for that.
House, I'm paying for it right now. With wisdom.
Cuddy, Get out.
Taub, We found lactose. The coke was cut with milk powder.
House, Makes it nutritious.
Thirteen, Not much of a toxin.
House, It is if he's allergic to milk.
Taub, He's not. He has milk in his fridge.
House, How does he like his coffee?
Taub, I don't know. What does that ÔøΩ
House, What type of cereal's in the cabinet?
Thirteen," Cocoa-something. Why, what does it matter?"
House, [pushing the button for the elevator] He likes his coffee black. Milk's for the kid.
Thirteen, How can you be sure?
House," Because if he drank the milk, he'd know that he's lactose intolerant. Ask him, then treat him for allergic reaction. If he gets better, we all get to go home early. [The elevator doors close, leaving Thirteen and Taub in the lobby.]"
Cuddy, Steroids make you more prone to infection. You'll have to stay here for the next two weeks so we can monitor you.
Becca," The baby's lungs, is that because of! the meth?"
Cuddy, Could be.
Becca, You must hate me.
Cuddy," If you'd done Everything right in your life, I wouldn't be getting a baby."
Becca, [rubbing her belly] You're not scared?
Cuddy, I am scared.
Becca," You got, like, this perfect life."
Cuddy, Not yet.
Becca, What's that?
Cuddy, Heart rate's climbing.
Becca, What's wrong with her?
Cuddy," It's not the baby. It's you. [Becca is bleeding onto the bed.] I need two units of O-negative, stat!"
Cuddy, The mother had a stage two placental abruption. She's losing blood.
House, So deliver the baby.
Cuddy, The lungs are ten weeks premature. [She hands him a clipboard.]
House," So deliver now, risk the baby. Deliver later, risk the mom. It's not your baby yet. It's not your call."
Cuddy, She'll do whatEver I tell her to do.
House," Self-worth issues. That's genetic, you know. You should deliver now."
Cuddy, Right. [She gets up to leave.]
House, Are you serious?
Cuddy, You're not? You just told me ÔøΩ
House, The wrong answer. You can give the mom more blood. You can't give the fetus more lungs.
Cuddy, The lungs might work. It's the right decision medically.
House, And yet you're here.
Cuddy," To get your opinion, not to get jerked around."
House," See, this is what's screwed up here. You're not sure that this is the right call, but you are sure that this is what you want to tell her. And that scares you because your motives aren't medical. Some part of you doesn't want this baby, and that part wants to tell her to kill it."
Cuddy, This is an impossible situation. I'm advising her to take the safest route.
House, Right. Doesn't explain why you changed your sweater.
House, I need your advice. [He drops a file on the table.]
Wilson, [without looking up] It's not cancer.
House, Wow. Can you remove spleens with your mind too?
Wilson, You're here to talk about Cuddy. The file is a pretext. [He starts shining the apple.]
House, Why the hell haven't you come to talk to me about Cuddy? I've been doing all sorts of insane stuff.
Wilson," If she can't handle your insanity, she can't handle a baby."
House, That's exactly my point.
Wilson," No, it isn't. You're feeling threatened because she's going onto high school and leaving you behind to repeat the eighth grade."
House, She's sleeping with the math teacher to get a diploma.
Wilson, Adoption is cheating? Are they giving her a fake kid?
House," That's the pRoblem. She gets to have a relationship with a kid, but she can't handle one with an adult. So she's gonna kill it."
Wilson," Well, it does seem cleaner. [House tosses the box on the table.] I've seen the file. She's making a judgment call."
House, Decisions are nEver made in a vacuum. [He takes back the Patient file.]
Wilson, Just like your decision to make her miserable. You're doing this because we no longer have inkwells and Cuddy doesn't have pigtails.
House, Why do you think I did that?
Taub, How you doing?
Jerry, Not sure. Been keeping an eye on the clock like you said. I don't think I lost any time.
Taub, The maParknery agrees with you. That means your pRoblems were caused by the coke.
Jerry, Can't beliEve I did coke.
Taub, You were asleep.
Jerry, I chose to do coke.
Taub, In your sleep. You weren't responsible.
Jerry, Something inside me wanted to do it. Something inside of me didn't think it was wrong.
Taub, It's like a dream. We all do stuff in our dreams we wouldn't do when we're awake.
Jerry, I don't.
Taub, What's that? [He points at Jerry's chest. There's blood on it.]
Jerry, Did I fall asleep and hurt myself? I don't see any cuts.
Taub, Because there aren't any. I think! You're sweating blood.
House, Guy's bleeding out of his pores. What does that tell us? Other than that you don't want to play basketball against him and he's dying?
Foreman, And neither cocaine or allergies are the answer.
Kutner," It's gotta be systemic. Hemorrhagic virus, maybe?"
Thirteen, You think it's Ebola? His white blood cell count would be through the roof. It's not an infection.
Kutner, DIC?
Thirteen, Coags are normal.
Taub, It's cancer. Leukemia explains Everything.
Kutner, No fEver.
Taub, The bleeding.
Kutner, No weight loss.
Taub, The rash.
Kutner, No headache.
Taub, The fatigue.
Kutner, Leukemia'd be obvious from the CBC.
Taub, Leukemia has false negatives all the time.
House," So we have four reasons for leukemia, four reasons against."
Foreman, Only need one against.
House," Yeah, if we had one reason for anything else. Go do a bone marrow biopsy."
Becca, What would you do?
Cuddy, I think! I think you should wait.
Becca, But if I wait! I could die.
Cuddy," There would be more danger for you, but ÔøΩ"
Becca, Is this your opinion as a doctor or as a mother?
Cuddy, It's my medical opinion. It's my personal opinion. I don't ÔøΩ
Becca, [sobs] I don't want to wait.
Cuddy, It might only be one week. We will keep you on plasma.
Becca, This is not my baby. I have already sacrificed nine months for this stupid mistake. I don't! I don't want to sacrifice any more.
Cuddy," Becca, you asked my opinion because you wanted to do the right thing. You are giving up this baby because you don't want to make the mistakes your mom made, her mom made. You have a chance to break this cycle, to do something great for this baby."
Becca, No.
Kutner, I need you to hold still.
Taub, Wait. [He pulls Jerry's legs free of the blanket. The right one is sEveral shades darker than the left.] Have you been testing any tanning creams or sprays?
Jerry, No.
Kutner, It's not a tan. Means it's not leukemia.
Kutner," Chem panel confirms kidney failure, end stage."
House, Got him on dialysis?
Taub, BP's too low.
House, Too bad. It would've been nice to have more than an hour or two to solve this thing.
Kutner, Hemachromatosis?
House, He have tiny testes?
Taub, No. Scleroderma.
House," His skin's darker, not lighter. As much fun as 20 questions tends to be, he's blowing blood out of Every orifice, you think it just might be vascular?"
Taub, Vasculitis?
House," If I had said it might be ""vitas gerular,"" would you have said ""Vitas Gerulaitis?"" Test him for vasculitis, angio and blood."
Kutner," Even if we're right, he's gonna need a kidney transplant."
House, Test the daughter.
Kutner, She's 12.
House, Small kidney. It just means he won't pee as much. Great for road trips.
Kutner," I meant she's a minor and daddy has a conflict, so we're gonna need Cuddy's sign off."
House, So get it.
Taub, She's! kind of busy.
Chase," Clamp. [Becca, who's awake, looks around. Cuddy fidgets nervously.] Suction. Entering the abdominal cavity. There's the head."
House, Got a minute? [Cuddy and Becca both turn to see him leaning into the OR.]
Cuddy, Get out of here.
Becca, Who's that?
Chase, Dr. Gregory House. He's the one you'll be suing when you dEvelop sepsis.
Becca," Well, why is he here?"
House, Better question is why is she here? You're an administrator. Administrate. I have a Patient's daughter needs a guardian ad litem.
Chase, [in the background] That's it.
House, Tests are inconclusive. But either way he's gonna need ÔøΩ
Cuddy," House, get out!"
House, This doesn't need you. I do.
Chase, Head's out.
Cuddy, [looking at the delivery] Later.
House, Later's too late.
Chase, And there she is.
Cuddy," Come on, cry. [pause]Come on. [They move her to a bassinet.] Come on. Joy, cry. Cry, Joy."
Becca, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Chase, [taps Joy's foot. She lets out a cry.] Ah. That's the sound we like to hear. Apgar's nine out of ten.
Cuddy," You hear that? You just got your first ""A."""
Becca, She's! yours now.
House," Mazel Tov. Now it's time to say those magic words you'll be telling her for the rest of her life, ""Mommy's gotta go to work.""ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, Have the risks of the transplant procedure been explained to you?
House, [pacing by the window] Damn it. I was hoping you weren't going to ask her that. Of course she knows. Can you just sign the paperwork?
Cuddy, Dr. House explained to you that all surgeries carry risk? You could die.
House," And if you don't do it, daddy will die."
Cuddy, Stop pressuring her.
House, Sorry. Daddy's perfectly healthy. But we want you to give him a kidney anyway because it'd be cool if he had three.
Cuddy, [turning toward him] Shut up. Do you understand the risks of living with one kidney?
SaMantha, Yeah.
Cuddy, And you still want to proceed with the transplant?
SaMantha, Yeah.
Cuddy," Okay, go ahead."
House, No.
Cuddy, I'm saying you can proceed.
House," I'm saying I can't. [He leans over to peer into SaMantha's eyes.] WhatEver he has, she has too. She's sleepwalking."
Kutner," If we don't give him a new kidney, he's dead in a week. We have to transplant."
House," When your remote has a dead battery, you don't replace it with another dead battery. WhatEver's killing the dad's kidneys is gonna kill the kid's too."
Taub," It is possible the sleep issues aren't medically related. Maybe they're both insomniacs due to the turnpike noise. Maybe they both drink too much coffee, maybe ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, [approaParkng] House is right.
Taub, How do you know?
Thirteen," Because the daughter's sweating blood. If they have the same thing, it means there has to be a common cause. Which means it has to be a toxin, infection, or genetic. And since we've ruled out infections and toxins ÔøΩ"
Kutner," It narrows it down to any one of a dozen genetic disorders, each of which takes more than a week to run."
House, Call Foreman. Get to work.
Wilson, Cuddy is positively aglow. What's your theory? She's only acting happy to make you miserable?
House, I need a genetic disease.
Wilson, I'm sure you're carrying a few.
House," Symptoms are kidney failure, bleeding, and insomnia."
Wilson," You paid off the pool? Technically, anyone who didn't enter is a winner."
House, It's not over yet. Everyone's happy until they unwrap that pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa.
Wilson," Adoption's a cheat, remember? There's no real pregnancy, so there's no stranded dopamine receptors, so there's no postpartum depression. Cuddy will be the happiest new mother you've Ever seen. [House stares.] I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word."
House, [leaving] Nope!
House," Good news. I know what you have, and you're both gonna be fine."
Taub, What? Are you serious?
House, Yes and no.
Foreman, So you do know what they have?
House, Yeah.
Foreman, But they aren't gonna be fine?
House, No idea. They might be.
Foreman, Why the hell would you say they were?
House, To make them happy.
Foreman, For two seconds?
House," Technically, to see if they can be happy. We should've seen a grin, a twinkle, a sigh of relief, something."
Foreman, They're sick. They're tired.
House," They're anhedonic, incapable of experiencing pleasure. Something's bushwhacked their dopamine receptors."
Thirteen, They're depressed. Mom's dead. Dad's dying. You should know that being bummed isn't necessarily a pathology.
House, Being bummed doesn't explain their lack of friends or their indifference to each other.
Taub," Why their place had no music, no view, no decor."
Thirteen," But if you can't feel pleasure, what's with the cocaine?"
House," Really? Is that why you do drugs? Because you're happy? Most people do 'em because they want to be happy. His subconscious craved it, needed it."
Foreman, Most common cause of anhedonia is sParkzophrenia.
House," Sure, in white folk."
Kutner, They're! black?
House, They're liars. [to Jerry] What's your name?
Jerry, Jerry Harmon.
House, Your real name. Hosarian? Herzog? H'ali-baba?
Jerry, Hammoud. Jamal Hammoud. Changed it when we invaded Iraq the first time. How'd you know?
House," You and your daughter have Familial Mediterranean FEver. It's a genetic disease contracted by people of Mediterranean descent. Sephardic Jews, Armenians, Arabs. Causes anhedonia, seizures, kidney failure, Even lactose intolerance. Symptoms are set off by age and stress. Kid couldn't get happy, but she could get stressed by daddy dying."
Jerry, You don't know if we'll get better?
House, Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you reach the sweating blood stage. Start them on colParkcine and melphalan. [He starts to leave.]
Foreman," His kidneys are fried. If he doesn't have FMF, the colParkcine will kill him."
House," Boy, sure hope I'm right. [He leaves.]"
Thirteen," [quietly] Mr. Harmon? Mr. Harmon, I need you to open your eyes. [He does.] Feeling better?"
Jerry, How's SaMantha?
Thirteen, Healthy enough to toss you a kidney.
SaMantha, Dad?
Jerry, Sammy.
Cuddy, The baby's doing great. I! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
Becca, I was ÔøΩI was stupid and selfish.
Cuddy, You were scared.
Becca," Yeah, but you wouldn't have been."
Cuddy, That's not true.
Becca," Well, I mean, you would've been scared, but! You would've done the right thing anyway. And I want to be like that. I don't! I don't want to be a loser."
Cuddy, You're not a loser.
Becca," When I saw you hold her and the look on your face, it was the most beautiful thing I've Ever seen. And that's when I realized! I can't."
Cuddy, [realizing what she's talking about] Becca.
Becca," My life, it's always been about pain, and anger, and disappointment. NEver about love. And that's when I realized, you know, it could be. And I can't give that away."
Cuddy," Becca, don't do this. Uh! what you're feeling is natural. But you're filled with hormones, and emotion, and fear, and! you just can't make a huge decision like this right now. You have to give it some time."
Becca, I am! I'm so sorry.
Cuddy, It's a decision that changes Everything. Changes the rest of your life.
Becca, I hope so.
Cuddy, It's really not the greatest time for gloating.
House, [quietly] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenage boys riding bareback.
Cuddy, No. I'm done. I can't go through that again.
House, You're quitting. Just like you quit IVF.
Cuddy," Yeah, just like that."
House," There, you just did it again. [She smiles, humorlessly.] It's too bad. You would've made a great mother."
Cuddy," You son of a bitch. When I was getting a baby, you told me I'd suck as a mother. Now that I've lost it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [in his face. He looks a little taken aback.] Why do you need to negate Everything?"
House, [whispers] I don't know.
House, [whispers] Good night.
Cuddy, [as he closes the door] Good night.
st EMT, He's got a good pulse.
nd EMT," Maintain head stabilization and flip him over. My count, guys. Ready. Go."
st EMT," Sir, we're paramedics. The mailMan saw you having a seizure. We had to break down your door. Do you know what your name is?"
st EMT," On my count. One, two, three. Up. (They lift Stewart onto the gurney) We're taking you to the hospital."
Stewart," No, I can't ÔøΩ no. No, I can't!"
EMT," Hey, buddy. Buddy, we're trying to help."
st EMT, (talking from the other side of the door) Sir!
Stewart, Stay out of my House!
st EMT, (shouting through the door) You just had a seizure. You could have a stroke. A bleed in your brain.
Stewart, (shouting) Leave me alone!
Cameron, 35-year-old male ÔøΩ crushing headache and three seizures in the last two days.
House," So it's a bleed, clot, tumor, metabolic, or infection. Stick him in a CT."
Cameron, Can't.
House, I'm assuming he has a giant head.
Cameron, (holding up the file) SEvere agoraphobe. The world scares the hell out of him. So we can only test him with whatEver we can take to him.
House, Fun.
Kutner, Agoraphobia a symptom?
Cameron, Only of being shot. He and his girlfriend were mugged sEven years ago. That's when it started.
House, Anybody can hate huManity after getting shot. Takes a big Man to hate it beforehand.
Taub, How'd you get this case if he didn't come to the ER?
Cameron, I talked to him through his door when he had flu last year. I run the community outreach program now.
House, See? Perfectly reasonable explanation. She's definitely not here trying to work her way back on the team and steal your job or anything.
Taub, It's a legitimate question.
Cameron," He agreed to meet with us. But Even if I can get inside his House, his brain is a black box. (House walks out into the hallway to talk to Cuddy) We can pick this up in a minute."
House, (taking a file from Cuddy) What's this?
Cuddy, Take-out menus. But I'm hoping you'll come up with a better answer when Everyone asks what we're talking about. Last night ÔøΩ
House, Forget it.
Cuddy," I know this is awkward, but we need to talk."
House, There's a reason that we've evolved a feeling of awkwardness. It tells us not to talk about things.
Cuddy, I was emotional because of the adoption falling through. And you actually let your huMan side show for a moment. That is why we kissed. I just want to say thank you for not! taking advantage.
House," You're welcome. Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you."
Cameron, Portable equipment can't distinguish a bleed or a tumor. Can't see vasculitis.
Thirteen, What did Cuddy want?
House," I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock."
Thirteen, Wow! She looks pretty good for someone on roofies.
Cameron, The only equipment we have is a sonogram and a portable X-ray.
House," What part of olivine, pyroxene, and amphibole don't you understand?"
Kutner," Pyroxene. Pyro means ""fire""!"
Cameron, They're indicator minerals. You can't see diamonds so you look for the indicator minerals. I assume the diamond is the tumor or bleed or whatEver it is.
Foreman," We provoke a seizure. The indicator is the increased electrical activity focused around the abnormality. We do an EEG, see the focus, see where the pRoblem is, which tells us what the pRoblem is."
House, The Formster and the Camster. Kickin' it old school. (to Taub) Thank God she's not trying to steal your job. (to the team) Go do it. And search the home for toxins.
Stewart," I agreed to talk, not let you in."
Cameron, You could be very sick. We need access.
Stewart, I'm just not ready.
Taub, Why does he have two locked doors?
Thirteen, He must use this room as an airlock. Deliveries in. Garbage out. He nEver has to go outside.
Cameron, Just tell us when you are. We're not going away.
Kutner, Seriously?
Thirteen, You want her to admit that all he has to do is ignore us for a few minutes and we'll take off?
Kutner, He was shot. Girlfriend killed. He pRobably has post traumatic stress disorder. He doesn't beliEve in a just universe. He doesn't trust anyone. Give him some honesty.
Cameron," (to Stewart) I shouldn't have implied we can wait forEver. We've got a whole hospital full of Patients. We can give you a few minutes. But Eventually, if you don't let us in, we're gonna have to leave."
Stewart, Just one person comes in.
Cameron, No. We've got to search the whole House for toxins. (pause) How about I examine you in one room and my colleagues will do the search?
Cameron," I'm gonna try to provoke a seizure. I need you to look straight ahead, okay?"
Cameron, You all right?
Stewart," Yeah. Uh, I just, um, I haven't been in a room with anyone for a while. Um, can you just give me a second?"
Cameron, (getting off the bed) Sure.
Stewart," You're the, uh, uh, person I talked to through the door last year, right?"
Cameron, Yeah.
Stewart," You were, uh, you were nice! and smart. Kind of made me expect someone older."
Cameon, I'm not that young. Must've been scary being shot.
Stewart," (holding up his hand) Don't do that. Okay? You ÔøΩ you don't know me. (Cameron nods) I've got Everything I want here. I ÔøΩ I ÔøΩ I make a lot of money writing tech Manuals. I get stuff delivered. I work out. I see anything I want over the web. Um, I'm ÔøΩ I'm happy here."
Cameron, You don't seem very happy.
Stewart," Well, right now I'm not."
House, Go away.
Wilson, (sighing) Did you speak to Cuddy last night?
House, She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
Wilson, You spoke to her?
House, Kinda hit that. So she's all on my jock.
Wilson, Wha ÔøΩ what?
House, (looking at Wilson) Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.
Wilson," You hit? Like making out, or full-on sex or ÔøΩ"
House, Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll take you through it.
Wilson, Wh ÔøΩ what are you gonna do?
House, What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake.
Wilson, Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.
House, So now I have two reasons to ignore her. (still scratParkng) It was just a kiss.
Wilson, There's a reason.
House, Yes. Those large things in her bra.
Wilson," You were hiding it from me, means it meant something to you."
House," Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase ""I hit that."""
Wilson, Stop scratParkng. You'll draw blood.
House," Finally you said something useful. If I actually break the skin, it'll let the poison out."
Wilson, If you! dated Cuddy! there would ÔøΩ
House, Sorry. I get better reception when you're not here.
House, (into the phone) What do you got?
Taub, His place is totally clean. No animals. No hidden drugs or alcohol. No lead in the paint.
House," And since you're not breathing hard, I assume you're not holding Cameron aloft in triumph. Which means no seizures."
House," Hey, speaking of breathing hard, Cameron, you engaged to Chase yet?"
Thirteen," Sorry, we should have clarified. We're calling about the Patient, not Dr. Cameron's love life."
Cameron, We aren't engaged. (aside to Thirteen) Moves things along much faster to just give him the answers. (to House) Seizures can also be induced through ÔøΩ
House, After six years?
Cameron, A year and a half. Through sleep deprivation or ÔøΩ
House, Sleep deprivation would take too long. You living together?
Cameron, We spend most nights together. There's a bunch of drugs that can lower a seizure threshold.
House, And cloud the diagnosis with side effects. His place or yours?
Cameron, His usually.
House, Interesting.
Cameron, You would've said interesting no matter what the answer.
House," And no matter what the answer, it would've been interesting. No engagement. Commitment issues. His place, control issues. Not sure whose, but interesting."
Thirteen," Yeah, moves much faster this way."
House, Where was the Patient when he had his first seizure?
Taub, In his entry hallway getting his mail.
House," Getting close to the outdoors, spooked him, raised his BP. Use that fear. Bring him outside."
Kutner," He punched out a fireMan. We're doctors, not bouncers."
House, Okay. So bring the outside to him.
House," Floors (tapping the floor with his cane), genuine wood."
Taub, Why are they here?
House, They overheard me announce the half price bank foreclosure in the ER waiting room. Where's Everybody?
Taub," Cameron's with the Patient. Uh, Everybody else went home."
House, Because they don't need to be here. Neither do you. And yet you are.
House, (to his tour group) This way.
s tour group, Molding's original?
House, Original? They were here before the House. (They enter Stewart's bedroom) The shut-in's also original. Come on. Don't be shy.
Cameron," House, get them out of here."
House, Easy for you to say. You're not gonna be making some serious capital gains.
Cameron, This is cruel.
House," And leaving him undiagnosed is what, altruistic? Procedure worked. He's seizing. What do you see?"
Cameron, Normal theta. Normal delta. This isn't a seizure.
House, It's something.
Cameron," (holding Stewart's head) Mr. Nozick, are you okay?"
Stewart, Stomach's killing me.
House, See? It's something.
Kutner, Partial small bowel obstruction.
House, Blockage explains the pain. What explains the blockage plus seizures?
Thirteen, Atrial fibrillation throwing emboli.
Taub, Crohn's causing an abscess.
Foreman," Could be a million things. There's no way to know unless we get him in for an MRI on his head or exploratory surgery so we can biopsy his bowels, which he won't let us do."
House, Wouldn't. Pain changes things.
Cameron, House.
Cameron, (following House) He told you to stay out of here.
House, He can Chase me out once he's done doubling up in agony.
House," (to Stewart) WhatEver your big pRoblem is, it's caused a complication we call ""colon FOS."" ""Fo,"" full of. Since we're in mixed company, ""S"" is stool. Nothing's coming out. So the pain's gonna get worse and worse. We need to stick a pooper scooper in you. We also need to take a look at your bowel."
Stewart, I made my wishes clear.
House," Uh-huh, and if the crazy fairy were here, she could grant them."
Stewart, I'm not insane. I ÔøΩ I feel pain when I go outside. So it ÔøΩ it's rational to avoid that pain.
House, Except now you're feeling pain inside.
Stewart, Not as bad. Nowhere near.
Cameron, We can give him drugs for the blockage.
House," And if it doesn't work? That blockage will rupture your intestines, spew sewage throughout your body. WhatEver you're scared of out there, aren't you more scared of death?"
Stewart," You obviously can't stand people. But for me, it's worse. All right? I'd rather die in here than live out there."
House," If you don't mind floppy hair and an annoying accent, I know a surgeon who will operate in your home."
Stewart, Thank you.
Cameron," With the risk of infection, Chase won't actually ÔøΩ"
House, He's not gonna do surgery in some crazy dude's House.
Cameron, You just said ÔøΩ
House," What I said was that Chase would put him under at the House, we'd take him to the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op without him Ever finding out that we tricked him. Some of that was implied."
Cameron, It's unethical.
House, He'll be asleep.
Cameron, He gets to make his own calls Even if he's asleep.
House," Why are you siding with him? (He puts his hand on his Parkn as if genuinely asking a question) Oh, yeah, you're that girl who likes broken people because her husband died. And since Chase isn't all that broken ÔøΩ"
Cameron," Hey, why don't we operate on his infarcted leg while we're at it? Who cares if he said no."
House, I was risking my life to avoid becoming a cripple. He's doing it to avoid sunlight and fresh air.
Cameron, We've got to make it look good.
Stewart," (grabbing Cameron's hand) I know I'm a pain in the ass. I know it would have been easy just to walk away, but! You're a good person."
Chase, Count down from 10.
Stewart," 10, 9, 8!"
Chase, Let's go!
Wilson, How you doin'?
Cuddy, Better.
Wilson, Great. Everything else good?
Cuddy," Uh, Everything involving me kissing House is good. Oh, God, you dragged it out of me, you're a genius. It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable. He's a friend. And I leaned on him."
Wilson, It's funny. I've leaned on friends in the past. NEver leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
Cuddy, I don't think of House that way. I nEver have.
Wilson, Why not?
Cuddy," You know exactly how it would go. It'd start off exciting. We'd get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness. And then we'd realize that the flirty hostility is just hostility and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it's just frustrating. And then it's the inevitable blowup and the recriminations and we don't talk for two months!"
Wilson," Yeah. Well, it certainly proves you've nEver thought about House that way."
Cuddy, I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future.
Wilson, That's not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn't have to end bad.
Cuddy, (Cuddy's pager vibrates and she glances at it) Gotta go.
Chase, What time you done? We could try that new sushi place next to my House.
Cameron, Why don't we stay at my House tonight?
Chase, We always stay at mine.
Cameron, That's what I mean. We ÔøΩ we used to split it. What happened?
Chase, I don't know. Closer to work.
Cameron, By five minutes. And my House doesn't look like it was decorated by a drunk rugby player.
Cameron," Well, we can discuss it. I hadn't really ÔøΩ"
Chase, Why does it have to be a discussion? Can't you just stay over?
Cuddy, You do know they page me when that much surgical equipment is signed out.
Cuddy, He didn't consent.
Cameron, He consented to the surgery. You think he's gonna sue over where?
Chase, He won't Even know where. He'll wake up in his House. He won't know a thing about what happened.
Cuddy, Until he catches a post-surgical infection in his dirty apartment and finds out we tricked him and winds up owning the hospital.
Cameron, (to House) Why aren't you arguing with her?
House," Because she's right. I don't care where he gets the post-op, just that he gets it. Keep him here."
Cuddy, House. You okay?
House, Yes. We don't need to talk.
Cuddy, Your hand.
House, (House looks down at his bandaged hand) That's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata until Easter.
Cameron," (to a nurse) Please tell Dr. Chase the Patient's ready for him now. (She puts something in his IV) Stewart, wake up. It's Dr. Cameron. If you can hear me, blink. (Stewart blinks) We were concerned for your safety so we brought you to the hospital. (Stewart looks anxious) No, it's okay."
Stewart, Why ÔøΩ why?
Cameron, It's okay.
Stewart, Why ÔøΩ why?
Cameron, I just wanted to keep you informed. I didn't want you to have a bad shock while you were recovering from surgery.
Stewart, Gotta get outta of here.
Cameron," It's okay, Stewart. Calm down. Calm down. Stewart. Stewart, I'm gonna sedate you. I'm gonna sedate you."
Stewart, No!
Cameron, Calm down. I need some help in here! Damn it! Somebody get in here!
Chase, What did you do?
Cuddy," Well done. Your Patient called his Lawyer, threatened to sue us. He's now heading home completely undiagnosed."
House," He'll soon be on his way back. He's sick. He'll crash. He'll lose consciousness. (House continues to scratch his bug bite) I'll declare an emergency, bring him back in."
Cuddy," Not anymore you won't. His Lawyer now holds his health care proxy. The next time we have an emergency, Larry Ruseckas, esquire, will be calling the shots."
Cameron," I made the right call. If he'd flipped out after major surgery, it would've been worse."
Cuddy, The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case.
Cameron, (softly) Whaaa?
Cameron, What's going on between you and Cuddy?
House, Bad lovin' gone bad.
Cameron, Seriously. Why didn't you argue with her? She just threw us off the case.
House," Because ignoring her is a lot easier. Convince the Patient to let us back in again. See if you can clear his blockage with lactulose. If this thing kills him before we can diagnose, it won't be fun anymore."
Cameron, Okay.
Chase, You gonna keep working on this?
Cameron, Yeah. I brought in the case.
Chase, There is no case. He's gone. You've been tossed. This is totally nuts.
Cameron, He's incredibly sick. We don't know ÔøΩ
Chase, Forget about the Patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team to avoid this constant flood of pure craziness.
Cameron, That's why I left House. You got fired.
Cameron," I'm sorry. I know I let you down. But you know who else I let down, pretty much Everyone who's important to me. My boss, my old boss, my boyfriend. (pause) I did that for you. I'm not gonna let you down again."
Wilson, It's like the red badge of idiocy.
House," If the confederacy had mosquitoes, we'd all have southern accents and I'd be paying Foreman less."
Wilson," She kicked you off the case. This is what happens when you don't address it. She acts weird, things get different."
House, You understand that different implies difference. She's tossed me a million times before.
Wilson," No, she always chastises you. And you'd always come running to me to complain. So you're acting different too. You're scared. You are scared to get involved."
House, How is that scary? It's rational. Emotionally mature people who work together should not date. Guaranteed breakup. Guaranteed ugliness.
Wilson," Any relationship that doesn't end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end. That's your worldview. The corollary, which you keep forgetting, is that you have to grab any chance for happiness."
House, Why does this matter so much to you? Cuddy and I are fine. The only person getting worked up here is you.
Wilson, I don't want you to be fine. I want you to be happy. I think if you dated her ÔøΩ
House," Are you familiar with the adverb ""vicariously?""ÔøΩ"
Wilson, If I wanted to ask her out ÔøΩ
House, You did ask her out. Last year. WhatEver happened there?
Wilson, I don't know. I wasn't interested.
House," Wrong. You were interested. But Amber grabbed your genitals first. But now you're single, and that makes you miserable because you think it's too soon for another relationship. So you're gonna make me miserable. Please, get a girlfriend, or a life, or something. For me."
House, Better or worse?
Cameron, Worse. Drugs aren't working. I think we should do the surgery in his House like we planned.
House," Well, then one of us wasn't paying attention because I thought that surgery thing was just a trick."
Cameron, We prepared the room. We hung the drapes. It's pRobably ten times as sterile as any mobile operating theater you'd find in a battlefield.
House, We still need Trapper John.
Cameron, Chase doesn't want anywhere near this surgery. Maybe you could talk to him.
House, I can't understand a word he says.
House, Taub. Doing anything later?
Taub, (to Kutner) Blood in the field. Not where I'm looking.
Kutner, How am I supposed to know where you're looking?
Taub, Here's a hint. It's the bloody part.
Kutner, The whole thing's bloody. It's a guy with a hole in his body.
Taub, It's like you've nEver done this before. Use the suction.
Kutner," I will. And in fact I've nEver done this before because I went to med school, not nurse school."
House," (to the Lawyer) Hey, wanna see if your client's actually made of money?"
Taub, Cutting out last piece of bowel. (He puts a piece of the bowel in a glass dish which Cameron is holding at the ready. She hands it to House who puts it under the microscope)
Taub, Suture.
House, (looking into the microscope) Mucosa's pink. Flattened villi.
Cameron, Intestinal atrophy. It's Whipple's disease.
House, Explains the seizure and the stomach pain.
Taub, Little bleeder here. Cautering.
House," Hey, wait. The gas ÔøΩ"
House, (to the Lawyer) That always happens during surgery. Just the gas build up in the blockage. Nothing to sue about. (to the team) Treat him for the burns. Put him on antibiotics for the Whipple's. He'll be fine.
Cameron, That's nice of you.
Chase, He doing good?
Cameron," Uh, burns are healing fine. He's stable otherwise."
Chase," Good. So, uh, I could stay at your place tonight if you'd like."
Cameron, I can't.
Chase," Well, you're not gonna sleep here, again."
Cameron, You might have noticed the lack of nurses.
Chase, Because you're not on the case. You can't really use that as an excuse!
Stewart, (calling from the bedroom) Dr. Cameron!
Cameron, Wait here.
Cameron, Your stomach?
Stewart, My legs are numb. I can't feel them at all.
Cameron, New symptom. Peripheral neuropathy. Got worse on antibiotics. It's not Whipple's.
Kutner, Porphyria.
Thirteen, Liver's fine. Amyloidosis.
Taub, We would've seen it on the intestines.
Foreman," What did we see on the intestines? Pink mucosa, flattened villi. It's not Whipple's, it's gotta be celiac. Wheat allergy means she's not absorbing nutrients. Explains the seizures, stomach, and now the nerves."
Cameron, We should run a blood test for celiac.
House, Not fast enough. Not accurate enough. (He stops tossing the ball) Force-feed him wheat then do an endoscopy as it hits his duodenum. See if there's an allergic reaction.
Taub, His guts just exploded. It might be a tad painful to make him eat.
Cameron," That's House's point. There's nothing diagnostic about it. He's trying to put the Patient in pain, force him to come in."
Foreman, It is a valid test.
Cameron," So is the blood test, which is painless."
House," Foreman, listen to that little voice in your head that's coming from the telephone. (speaking directly into his cell phone on the desk) Force-feed him."
Cameron, Don't. You know House. You know I'm right.
Foreman, We'll do both tests.
Wilson, I'm not here to play matchmaker.
Cuddy, (finding the file she was looking for) Okay.
Wilson," House basically! Well, he accused me of being interested in you."
Cuddy," (picking up a stack of files from her desk) Oh, he's just trying to change the subject."
Wilson, I know. But I do have! I've always! had! some feelings for you.
Cuddy, Are you saying you want to date me?
Wilson, No. I ÔøΩ I ÔøΩ it wouldn't be fair to House and it's too soon after Amber.
Cuddy, (walking around to the front of her desk) But you thought you should just say it.
Wilson, Yeah. I thought you should know.
Cuddy, Let's have dinner tomorrow night.
Wilson, Okay.
Cuddy, Or maybe it would be better if we just! had sex.
Wilson, Pardon me?
Cuddy," In front of House's office. I mean, I don't want to take any chances. (moving closer to Wilson) I assume the point of this is to make him jealous and make him realize that he does want a relationship with me?"
Wilson, Yes. You think it'll work?
Cuddy, You're an idiot. Trust me. Everybody will be happier if House and I aren't dating.
Stewart, You sure this is the best test?
Cameron," No. But you've kind of tied our hands. Soon as this hits your intestines, I'll look at it through an endoscope. Stewart, I know you don't want to talk about this, but! People who get shot often get PTSD. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's very treatable with drugs and therapy."
Stewart, It's not PTSD. My girlfriend was with me when I got shot. She died.
Cameron, I'm sorry. But that's what I mean. I lost someone myself. I know it's traumatic.
Stewart," No, what ÔøΩ what ÔøΩ what I'm trying to say is that! I was like this before the shooting. Since I was a kid. Everything was hard for me. I ÔøΩ I didn't go out that much. And ÔøΩ and when I did! Panic attacks. Like physical pain. No, it was, like, worse. It was like I was dying. Then I met Angela. She was the only reason that I Ever wanted to go out. But then she died."
Taub, Blood test will be done soon.
Taub, I'm guessing that's a new technique.
House," Hey, you remember that idea that Cameron had about trying to torture the Patient into admitting himself?"
Taub, Pretty sure it was your idea. You want me to slow down the test?
House," Wow. Everyone's got all these great ideas today. (pause) So you're thinking Patient won't leave because leaving causes pain, so we gotta make staying more painful. That actually makes sense."
Taub," You'll increase his pain, but not enough to make a difference. He's on morphine."
House," He's on morphine now. Pretty soon he'll be on less-phine. 'Cause when you restock, you'll actually be giving Cameron IV bags of saline."
Taub, And why do you think I'll be doing this?
House, Same reason you did the surgery.
Taub, That was because it was an emergency.
House," No. It was because your marriage is falling apart. When you confess adultery, things tend to go bad. When one part of your life does a Titanic, you make a life raft out of whatEver's left, which makes your job more significant, which is why you did the surgery, why you pulled an all-nighter, and why you'll do this."
Taub, (looking over his shoulder at House) She's having me sleep on the couch. Just for a few nights. I'm not doing this to save my job. I'm doing this to save his life.
House, (looking back at Taub) Right. That's what we'll tell Everyone.
House, (looking more curious than alarmed) Huh.
House, Buzzzzzzz.
Wilson, Have you considered that it's not my place you really want to be walking into right now?
House," Rick Ocasek would kill me if I ÔøΩ oh, you mean Cuddy."
Wilson," Yeah, she's a little nuts. But she's beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you."
House," Yeah. I came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, not because there's a killer mosquito chasing me around my apartment."
Wilson," House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy."
House," Ah, she's bugging me. Poetic."
Wilson, Have you seen this bug?
House, (pointing to his hand) Have you seen this bite?
Wilson, No. What I've seen is a suppurating wound that you've scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis.
House, I am not imagining things.
Wilson," House, you're a drug addict. You're always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her. Your itParkng always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this."
House, She's my boss.
Wilson," No, you're not afraid of authority. You're afraid she actually is right for you. You're afraid to take a chance because it's too big a chance. If it doesn't work with her, then maybe there's no one out there."
House," I am not rationalizing. I'm better off alone. Also, you seen her ass recently?"
Wilson, You're not staying here.
House," Oh, come on."
Wilson," No. You can go home. (He pushes House off the sofa) Or you're going to Cuddy's, (House gets up and moves toward the front door) gonna ring her doorbell! And you're gonna ask her out on a date (He pats House on the back) like regular people do."
House, At 3:00 in the morning? When do regular people sleep?
Wilson, (pushing House out the door) Buh-bye. (Wilson closes his door)
House, Is he in enough pain to come in yet?
Cameron, (sleepily) No. Antibody tests back?
House, Inconclusive.
Cameron, Then why are you here?
House, I missed you. Endoscopy?
Cameron, Inconclusive.
House," Well, then do it again."
Cameron," (Stewart groans) I know it sucks, but I need to test your stomach again."
Stewart, (groaning) It's really hurting.
Cameron, I know. I'm sorry. Try to get you on your back and have you open your mouth.
Stewart, I can't!
Cameron, He's out.
Cameron, Anything?
House, No pulse. (pulling his phone from his pocket) Start CPR.
Cameron, Get the paddles. Get the paddles!
Cameron, Who are you calling?
House, Pizza. You like anchovies? I'm calling the Lawyer. (House tucks his phone under his Parkn and starts CPR) Genuine emergency. He'll okay admission.
Cameron, He's dying.
House, Exactly. (to the Lawyer) Hi. Sorry to wake you. Your introvert is having a heart attack.
Cameron," (preparing the defibrillator) House, if we don't restart his heart!"
House, (still talking to the Lawyer) He can survive 15 minutes on oxygen and CPR. We can get him to the hospital in five. (to Cameron) Lawyer says yes. Continue CPR.
House, 2123 Holden Green. Patient with PEA.
Cameron, Clear.
House, Wait!
Cameron, I got a pulse. Cancel the ambulance. He's stable enough to stay here.
Foreman," His heart's back to sinus rhythm, but it's bradycardic. Taub's putting in a temporary pacemaker. It'll keep his heart beating for now."
House," Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking 'cause it's the only way I can fire you."
Cameron," Sorry. In the ER, we like to actually resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around."
Kutner, Could be lymphoma.
House, We'd have seen it on the abdomen. It has to be a poison.
Kutner, Organophosphates.
Thirteen, We checked the place over and over. It's completely clean.
Kutner, There where rose petals in the front entry.
Foreman," Unless he's eating a bouquet a day, he couldn't ÔøΩ"
House, How clean?
Thirteen, Very. He pRobably has a little OCD.
House, (to Stewart) How often do you wash your tub?
Stewart, Every couple days.
House, Bleach and ammonia?
Stewart, Yeah.
House, You know how kids play toy soldiers in the bath? He likes to re-enact the battle of Ypres three times a week with real gas.
Kutner, Ammonia and bleach makes chlorine gas.
Foreman, Highly fat soluble. He lost weight after the stomach pain. Explains why his symptoms kept getting worse.
House, Put him on parenteral steroids and sodium bicarbonate.
Taub," Even if you're right, that external pacemaker's gonna fail Eventually. And I don't have the skills to put in a perManent one."
House," Well, maybe the poison hasn't completely shot his heart. And you won't have to feel guilty for the rest of your life."
Chase, How am I gonna place the leads in the exact spot on the right ventricle without fluoroscopy? The force?
Cameron, Taub put in the temporary one.
Chase, You can do that playing pin the tail on the donkey. PerManent pacemakers need precision.
Cameron, So we can use the portable X-ray.
Chase, It's not real time.
Cameron, Sonogram.
Chase, And what happens when I put him into v-tach because the sonogram isn't precise enough?
Cameron, He's dying.
Chase, Exactly why I don't want to be the one to kill him.
Cameron, (sourly) Thanks.
Chase," You knew I'd have to say no. But you came anyway. You just wanted a reason to be angry at me. If there's something wrong between us, then ÔøΩ"
Cameron, Forget it. (She starts to leave again)
Chase, You know why we spend nights at my House? (Cameron stops and looks at him with her arms crossed over her chest) Because when we spend them at yours! I could tell you didn't want me there.
Cameron, Why would I keep inviting you over if I didn't want you there?
Chase, You always kicked me out Every morning. You nEver offered me a drawer. You nEver cleared out your closet for me. I was just a visitor.
Cameron, How long have you felt like this?
Chase, From the start.
Chase," I know it's hard for you because you lost your husband, but. (pause) I can't keep chasing you forEver."
Cameron, (calling from Stewart's House) I just tried your House. Where are you?
House, Clubbing. Good or bad?
Cameron, Bad. Vitals are dropping. The abdominal pain keeps getting worse.
House, Means we were too late with the treatment. Tell the Lawyer he's off the clock. We're done.
Cameron, You're giving up?
House, Call Taub. Tell him to pick up some morphine. (He sits up) There's no need for the Patient to be in pain.
Cameron, He's on morphine.
House, No. He's on saline.
Cameron, I figured you put him on saline so I switched him back to morphine.
House," I love you. When you reach puberty, give me ÔøΩ (House has his epiphany) His abdominal pain. That was on morphine?"
Cameron, Yes. Is there something that causes abdominal pain that doesn't respond to morphine?
House, I was right. He is being poisoned.
House, What's this density on his hip?
Cameron, (looking at the scan) Just bone.
House, Think less boney.
Cameron, You think he's got lead poisoning?
House," Explains the constipation, the nerves, the seizures. Hold him down."
House, (to Stewart) You're not gonna feel a thing! Except excruciating pain.
House," The mugger used hollow points. They exploded and left fragments. Your doctors missed a couple hiding behind your hipbone. It's no biggie. Except years later, they started to dissolve, and then, biggie, you started to dissolve."
Cameron," I'll start him on chelation. The agoraphobia, could it ÔøΩ"
House, No. Lead wouldn't have started to disintegrate till years after.
Cameron, But it could have exacerbated the fear.
Stewart, I don't need to change.
Cameron, I know you think that. But your life could be better. You ÔøΩ you ÔøΩ you'd have choices.
House, He's lying.
Cameron, About what?
House, About Everything. About his life. He doesn't Even think he's happy here. He's miserable.
Stewart, I've got Everything I need.
House," Yeah? Well, then why did Taub find rose petals in your entry hallway? Struck me as a little weird. Thought it might be medically relevant. But it actually just told me that you were pathetic. The day you crashed in your entryway! Was your girlfriend's birthday. (He picks up a framed photograph) You weren't there for the mail. You were trying to go lay flowers on her grave. (House holds up the photo, which is obviously a picture of Stewart and his girlfriend)"
House," Yeah, he's got PTSD. Yeah, he's agoraphobic. He's also a coward. You want to change your life, do something. Don't beliEve your own rationalizations. Don't lock yourself up and pretend you're happy."
Cameron, Hi.
Chase, Hi.
Cameron, You were right. About my husband. It affected me. It still affects me.
Chase, If you're saying you'll nEver be able to ÔøΩ
Cameron, I cleaned out a drawer for you. Like a big one.
Maria, We're starting a fund.
Doug, Then you don't need me.
Maria, The Man's injured. He can't work.
Doug, His fault.
Maria, We're family. We depend on each other.
Doug, We're not family. We're co-workers. He's not Even that anymore.
Maria, I can't beliEve you just said that.
Sophia," Can't come between a Man and his beer money. See the big, heavy maParknery?"
Maria," I'm sorry, but he should give. You gave."
Sophia," (to Maria) Go back to work. (Maria leaves, ostensively to go back to work)"
Sophia, Paolo is the one who got you off the night shift.
Doug, It's not like I asked him.
Sophia," Also covered for you Labor Day weekend. But hey, it's America. If you don't want to contribu ÔøΩ (She seems to be in pain) If you don't want to cont ÔøΩ"
Doug," (looking up and seeing Sophia lying on the moving conveyer belt) Oh, gosh!"
Doug, (yelling) Get an ambulance.
Wilson, Good morning.
House, Don't wanna hear it.
Wilson, So I take it you did not ask Cuddy out.
House, Yeah. (He stops and pulls his Vicodin bottle from his pocket)
Wilson," Yeah ""I didn't"" or yeah ""I did""?"
House, WhichEver one means you almost had me convinced it was a good idea.
Wilson," Oh. (He lets go of the elevator door, which starts to close. House prEvents it from closing with his cane]"
House, Nothing to say?
Wilson, No.
House," No, you don't. Or no, you don't don't?"
Wilson, WhichEver one means no.
House, Is this some kind of rEverse ÔøΩ ?
Wilson, No. (A buzzer starts going off in the elevator)
Wilson, House? (House reluctantly lets the elevator door close)
Kutner," 16-year-old girl with fluid in her lungs. No previous trauma, lung, or cardiac issues. Gram stain was negative. No bacteria, no pneumonia."
Taub, She's a factory worker. Means she pRobably works close to a lot of recent immigrants.
House, Thank God some of those offshore sweat shop jobs are coming back to America. (He hangs his coat on the coatrack)
Kutner, She's an eMancipated minor.
House," In a factory? Either an Olympic gymnast who busted her leg, a Parkld star who blew all her sequel money on drugs, or she's just a lying runaway."
Kutner," Her parents died last year. No relatives. To avoid foster care, she got a GED and got eMancipated."
Taub, Could have picked up a parasite from a co-worker.
Foreman," She'd be having GI pRoblems. Pregnancy's more likely. SParks a fluid overload, hits the lungs, causes the pulmonary edema."
Kutner, Her history says she's not sexually active.
Foreman, And our history says she could be lying.
Kutner, But not Every teenager is having sex.
Foreman, But Every teenager is stupid. Teenagers on their own are stupider.
Kutner," The girl's holding down a job, makes her rent."
House," (preparing his coffee) On the one hand, Kutner's right. Maybe she's a sweet young thing, not a screw-up lying through her teeth. On the two hand, a pregnancy test only takes five minutes, and we no longer kill rabbits. So in conclusion, shut up, do the tests. What else?"
Thirteen, Drugs could damage the heart. Pressure imbalance allows fluid to build up in the lungs.
Kutner, Tox screen's clean.
Thirteen, For drugs used recently. Not for drugs used before recently.
Kutner, 16 doesn't automatically mean a risky lifestyle.
House," Didn't we just have this conversation? Kutner trusts her. Someone else doesn't. So, in conclusion, shut up. Check her home and work for toxins or drugs. Kutner and Foreman, do an echo. Find the extent of the heart damage."
Foreman, Kutner can do the echo on his own.
House, Yes! But he'll be very lonely. So I have to ask why?
Foreman, I've been asked to help run a clinical trial. That okay with you?
House, Good for your career. Great for your street cred. What's in it for me?
Foreman, You have four doctors and nEver more than one case. It means I have time to work on other things. And they'll have more chances to step up. Stand on their own.
House," And if there's an emergency with Annie, should she wait until you finish grooming lab rats?"
Foreman," If there's a pRoblem with Sophia or any other Patient, you know I'll be there. The Patient is my priority."
House," (definitively and dismissisvely) No. (Foreman does not move) Oh, do you want a reason? Clinical trials take time. Your time is my time. (Foreman walks out)"
Sophia," I told you, I don't do drugs."
Kutner, Still a good idea to check your heart. Something else could have damaged it. You find it hard being all on your own? Having to do Everything without ÔøΩ
Sophia, Drugs to ease my pain?
Kutner, That's not ÔøΩ
Sophia, Teenager on her own? I wouldn't trust me either.
Kutner, I meant it must be hard. No one there to back you up.
Sophia," I know you're trying to be nice, but I'm not into the whole pity thing."
Kutner," I was actually doing the ""I get it"" thing. I lost my parents when I was six. It doesn't go away. But it gets easier. You learn to deal."
Sophia, (Wiping off the gel) I still get nervous when there's a knock on the door. Always think it's the State Trooper! With more bad news.
Kutner, You already got the worst news and survived. That's sorta the upside. (He looks at the frozen image on the monitor) Your heart's healthy.
Sophia, Isn't that good news?
Kutner," For your heart, yeah, but it also means we still don't know what's wrong."
Taub," Checkbook balanced, place spotless. Looks like she builds her own furniture. If you're this grown up at 16, what happens at 30?"
Thirteen, You turn back into a kid. Like Kutner.
Taub, Kutner's not that bad.
Thirteen, He needs Everything to be nice. He wants to see the best in Everyone. Kitchen's clear.
Taub," Yeah, friendly is a dangerous thing."
Thirteen, There is such a thing as too trusting.
Taub," Corollary is there is such a thing as not trusting enough. Too much, you get hurt. Not enough, you don't live."
Thirteen, So the object in life is to get hurt just the right amount? Excuse me if I don't go out of my way to take relationship advice from you. And trust! (She holds up a water bong) Should be earned.
Kutner, Bong means nothing. Drugs are irrelevant.
Thirteen, Relevant if she's taking them.
Kutner, Even if she is: Irrelevant. Echo showed no heart damage.
House, Would that be the echo that Foreman chose not to run with you after I dashed his new drug discovery dreams?
Foreman, You mad at me because you think Kutner screwed up the echo?
Kutner, I didn't screw up the echo.
House, I know. No structural heart damage.
Taub, So if it's not the heart!
House, It's the heart.
Taub, Didn't you just say it's not?
House, Not all heart damage has to be structural. Drugs could have caused intermittent tachycardia. (He gets up)
Thirteen, Irregular heart beat would account for the pulmonary edema.
Kutner, The edema was acute. Vasculitis makes more sense.
Taub," There's no sign in her blood work. And if she had vasculitis, she'd be too weak to work in a factory."
Kutner, She builds her own furniture. You think she skips work because she's feeling a little weak? She needs steroids.
House," Steroids could cause an irregular heartbeat, making her current one irregular-er-er. Foreman. Start her on beta-blockers. (Foreman looks angry) The rest of you, do anything that isn't starting her on beta-blockers."
Foreman, (getting up) Start her on the treatment. Page me if you need me. (He leaves)
Kutner, Irregular heartbeat causes blood to back up behind the heart and into the lungs. The beta-blockers keep this from happening.
Sophia, I thought the test showed my heart was fine.
Kutner, It's tricky. An arrhythmia can come and go.
Sophia, So you don't beliEve me or the test. You guys are more cynical than I am.
Kutner, We found the bong in your apartment.
Sophia, You went into my apartment?
Kutner, Extended drug use can damage ÔøΩ
Sophia, The bong belongs to my ex. It's why he's ex.
Kutner, That doesn't mean you didn't use it.
Sophia, No. You have no reason to trust me. You have to do your treatment.
Kutner," The other possibility is you have vasculitis. The treatment for that is steroids. If you've been using drugs, if they've damaged your heart and I start you on steroids, they could kill you."
Sophia, I haven't used drugs.
Kutner," (sighing, wanting to beliEve her) I'll get the steroids. (He takes down the IV bag)"
Cuddy, Why are you here?
Foreman, I owe clinic hours.
Cuddy, No you don't.
Foreman, I'm here because House doesn't want me to be here.
Cuddy, I'm guessing he said no to the clinical trials.
Foreman, He didn't need to say no. He just wanted to say no.
Cuddy, House did something solely out of self-interest? That's freaky.
Foreman, Don't suppose you'd want to override?
Cuddy, No. What do you think this is gonna prove?
Foreman, Does it matter? (He picks up a new red clinic file) Just figured you could use some help down here.
Cuddy," And you spending two hours wiping noses will annoy House. If that is your dream, God bless. If you want to prove you can do his job and something more! (She hands him a blue file and leaves)"
Evan," His puke is red. That's blood, right?"
Foreman, (to Jonah while pressing on the left side of his abdomen) That hurt? What about that? (pressing on the other side)
Melinda, (The boys' mother) Four days he's been like this. It's just getting worse.
Evan, Maybe he just needs to poop.
Melinda, Evan!
Evan, What? Worked last time I had a stomachache.
Foreman, It's actually a smart idea. Which is why that's the first thing the other doctors checked. (to Evan) His insides are clear. (to Melinda) Anyone else sick at daycare?
Melinda, No.
Foreman, How 'bout his friends?
Melinda, No. No one. What's happening to him?
Foreman, Not sure yet. Don't worry. I've got an idea. (Foreman gets up to leave)
Evan," You can make him better, right?"
Foreman, That's my plan.
Evan, You need to make him better.
Sophia, Stay the hell away from me!
Kutner, Just calm down. (to the nurse) What happened?
Nurse," I adjusted her IV, and she went crazy."
Sophia, Don't touch me! Leave me alone!
Kutner," Sophia, it's okay. We're here to help you."
Sophia, Just stay away from me! Don't touch me!
Sophia," I said, don't ÔøΩ Get your hands off of me! Get your hands ÔøΩ"
Taub, Beta-blockers don't cause psychotic breaks.
Kutner, She's not on beta-blockers.
Kutner, We started her on haloperidol. She's stable. Lab tests showed the delirium wasn't caused by a metabolic pRoblem. Means we still don't know what caused it.
House," (popping the Vicodin) Yeah, we do. Nice job, Foreman."
Foreman, I didn't switch her meds.
House, But your decision to stick it to the Man clearly inspired Oliver Twist. (He picks up a water bottle from the table and takes a drink)
Kutner, I treated her based on the symptoms she presented.
House," You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, and almost killed her in the process."
Kutner, She wasn't on steroids long enough for it to cause the delirium ÔøΩ it's a new symptom.
Taub, One that rules out vasculitis.
Kutner," And arrhythmia. The psychotic break caused a surge of adrenaline, but no irregular heartbeat. Heart's not the pRoblem. We're both wrong."
House, So what causes lung issues and delirium? And is not based on wishful thinking that she's safe and happy?
Foreman, Prinzmetal angina.
House," Silent and unhappy is better than vocal and unhelpful. If you'd run the echo that you didn't run before giving her the beta-blockers that you didn't give her ÔøΩ If you'd listened to what Kutner just said, you'd know it's not a heart pRoblem."
Foreman, I'm not talking about her heart. I'm talking about her head.
Thirteen, Prinzmetal angina doesn't affect ÔøΩ
Foreman, No reason it couldn't cause an artery in the brain to spasm. Leads to the delirium and the pulmonary edema.
House," Foreman, give her ergonovine to cause vasospasms, and run an fMRI to see which artery's dancing. And when I say Foreman, I mean! Foreman. I want his signature on the paperwork. I want videotape. (House moves toward his office and points to Foreman with his cane) I want photographs of him with the Patient on today's newspaper."
Foreman, Set her up. When you're ready ÔøΩ
Thirteen, House wants you ÔøΩ
Foreman," To do the procedure. When you get Everything set up, page me."
Evan, That's really a camera?
Foreman," Pretty cool, huh? This can go places the other scopes can't. Jonah, I need you to swallow this pill."
Jonah, Don't wanna.
Foreman, It doesn't hurt. Promise.
Melinda," Jonah, please. This will help make you better."
Foreman," I don't want to be mean, but, if you don't do this, we'll have to make you."
Evan, It's a power pill. It's not just a camera. It makes your muscles grow. Like the vitamins we take. (taking the pillcam from Foreman) Except this (holding up the pill) was made with a secret formula.
Melinda," (stroking Jonah's hair) You did great, sweetheart. You're very brave."
Foreman, Jonah's lucky. I was pretty cruel to my little brother when I was your age.
Evan, Why?
Foreman," I guess I thought that's what big brothers did. Obviously, I was wrong."
Evan, Is he a doctor too?
Foreman, No. (He is watParkng the monitor as the pillcam makes its way through Jonah' digestive system)
Melinda," Does the pill tickle, sweetie?"
Foreman," He can't feel it. What's funny, your brother?"
Melinda, What's happening?
Foreman, I don't know.
Foreman, How you guys getting along?
Chase, And you suddenly care why?
Foreman, House was asking questions last week.
Cameron," I assume Foreman needs us, and he's worried that if we're sniping, we might be distracted."
Chase," That's kind of insulting, isn't it?"
Cameron, Very.
Foreman, You're obviously fine. (He hands Chase Jonah's file) I need a differential for uncontrollable giggling.
Chase, (glancing at the file briefly) He's four. They laugh. (He gives the file back to Foreman)
Foreman, Yeah. Nothing like diarrhea and bloody vomit to put you in the mood to goof around. I've looked down one end and up the other. All the tests came back clean. I can't figure this out.
Cameron, You can't? Don't you work with three other doctors and a grouchy gimp?
Foreman, This isn't House's case. (He again hands Jonah's file to Chase)
Chase," (taking the file and handing to Cameron) Just so you know, whatEver you're trying to prove, it won't be enough."
Foreman, (He reads the message) Gotta go. (He leaves quickly)
Foreman, (sitting down) Sorry.
Kutner, You didn't miss much. No spasms yet. Nothing in the anterior or posterior cerebral arteries.
Sophia, How much longer?
Kutner," Just a few more minutes. Were your foster homes all around here, or did you have to change schools?"
Sophia, Is chatting about lousy foster parents supposed to relax me?
Foreman, Left middle cerebral artery looks good.
Kutner, (to Sophia) My foster parents were great. I think most foster parents do it because they want to do something decent.
Sophia, Which is why you didn't get eMancipated.
Foreman, Nothing around the vertebral artery. No sign of spasms.
Kutner, (watParkng the monitor closely) But that's odd. (to Sophia) How'd you find out about your parents?
Sophia, I told you. State Trooper.
Kutner, Look at that.
Foreman, Arteries are fine. You can stop.
Kutner," Not that. (to Sophia) I forget, did he come to your House or call you down to the station?"
Sophia, Came to my House. I cried into the guy's shirt for an hour.
Foreman, Wow.
Kutner," (to Sophia) fMRIs tell us where the blood flow is. You were using your limbic region. It lights up when we use our imagination. It doesn't light up when we're telling the truth. Your parents aren't dead, are they? I risked my job, put you on a different treatment ÔøΩ"
Sophia, I didn't lie about the drugs.
Kutner, Then why lie about your parents?
Sophia, Because I wish they were dead. I got eMancipated because my dad raped me. And my mom pretended it didn't happen.
Kutner," No signs of spasm, impeded blood flow, or brain dysfunction. It's not Prinzmetal's. All the fMRI showed is House was right. She was lying."
House, Only relevant if it can cause pulmonary edema and delirium.
Thirteen," We find out our Patient's been raped, and that's your response?"
House, Is she a psych Patient?
Taub, Rape could mean STD.
House," Thank goodness one of you doesn't have a heart. Maybe if we all stopped wringing our hands, we could solve this thing and let her live to have a few more nightmares."
Foreman," Gonococcal endocarditis would explain the pulmonary edema, the delirium."
Kutner, No sign in her bloodwork. Could be lying about the rape.
House," (leaning forward in his chair and placing his cane across his lap) Yesterday, you were all BFF. Now you think she's pathological."
Kutner, Yesterday I had no reason to doubt her. If she'd been honest with us from the beginning ÔøΩ
Thirteen, She lied about dead parents because it's better than rapist parents. You find that unsympathetic?
House, That's it.
Kutner, What's it?
House, Her whole life's a mess. What rhymes with mess?
Foreman," It's not stress. She has none of the usual Manifestations. No hormone imbalance, no cardiac ÔøΩ"
House," Yeah, she's drowning in her own lungs, and she's delirious. She's a picture of emotional health. SEvere emotional stress can lead to asymmetric function of the midbrain. Explains the delirium. Interruption of the brain-heart coupling could cause pulmonary edema."
Thirteen," Even if House is wrong, the treatment's basically anti-anxiety meds. Hard to argue with."
House," Yes. I agree. It does explain Everything. Thirteen, load her up on diazepam. Foreman, make sure she does it. (House gets up) Thirteen, make sure he makes sure."
House, I went to Cuddy's House. But I didn't go in. Went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell.
Wilson, Huh.
House, You're processing.
Wilson, I'm scrubbing.
House," ""Huh"" means processing."
Wilson," ""Huh"" means acknowledging. If you prefer, I could say ""ha,"" or ""hmm,"" or ÔøΩ"
House, No insights? No opinions? (Wilson does not respond) You're disappointed.
Wilson, You made the decision. I can't tell you what's right for you.
House, Seriously? 'Cause last week you could. Last year you could. Seems to come pretty easy to you.
Wilson, Do you want me to tell you what you should do?
House, I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying.
Wilson, Interesting.
House, (Calling loudly as Wilson leaves) Holding things in can give you cancer!
Chase, Kid's in daycare. Could be meningitis.
Foreman," No fEver, no stiffness, no rash."
Chase, You check his thyroid?
Foreman, TSH and 3 t4 were within range. Ruled out all the usual suspects.
Cameron," Nothing's usual for a four-year-old, and as fun as this is, it feels like we're your goomah."
Foreman, Your feelings are hurt?
Cameron," Either you can handle both these cases or you can't. If you can't, it's dangerous and stupid."
Chase," On the other hand, stomach cancer. Leiomyosarcoma."
Foreman, Long shot. Altered mental status means porphyria's more likely.
Chase," No abdominal pain? Cancer explains the lethargy, the GI symptoms ÔøΩ"
Cameron, Neither's perfect.
Foreman, Then we test for both.
Chase," And by ""we,"" you mean the collective ""not you."""
Foreman, Thanks.
Thirteen, SEvere stress scrambles the way the brain communiCates with the rest of the body.
Sophia, I have a pRoblem with my brain?
Foreman, Not exactly. The pRoblem would be with your body chemistry.
Sophia, Where's Dr. Kutner?
Thirteen, There's four of us. It's my turn.
Sophia, I'm sorry I lied about my parents.
Thirteen, You did what you thought you had to do to protect yourself.
Foreman," If we're right, we should see a change in your lungs pretty fast. Then we can figure out how to Manage your stress."
Thirteen," It might help to turn him in. File a police report, get closure."
Sophia, Won't help.
Thirteen, Not addressing what happened won't make it go away.
Sophia, Yeah? What do I have to do to make it go away?
Thirteen, I didn't mean that. I just mean that you ÔøΩ
Sophia," I addressed it. I got away from him. Reporting it just labels me. ""Girl raped by dad."""
Thirteen, It doesn't have to define you.
Sophia, It's how you see me. That's why you're treating me with tranquilizers.
Foreman, (looking down) Not anymore. Stress wouldn't change your urine color.
Taub, Labs show the brown urine was caused by shredded red cells.
House," (standing, his cane across his shoulders, his back to the team) So what messes with her lungs, her mental status, and runs her blood through a wood Parkpper?"
Kutner, Factory lunch rooms aren't the cleanest places. Coulda picked up E. Coli.
Thirteen," Or shigella from the restroom. Either would account for the red cells, the delirium."
Foreman," But not the original lung symptoms. Legionnaire's could, and cause delirium."
Kutner," No, her sodium's normal."
House," What does her furniture look like? (He turns to face the team) Said it was homemade. Old boxes, what?"
Thirteen, It was wood nailed together.
House, The wood have little dents or holes?
Taub," I didn't see any in the bookshelves, but they were painted."
Thirteen, The desk did. Looked like she had stapled stuff all over it.
House," Holes means that it was pressure-treated. Sawing or burning it releases arsenic into the air, into her lungs."
Foreman, Tests didn't show ÔøΩ
House, Because it found a cloak of invisibility hiding ÔøΩ
Foreman," (getting up and moving toward the door) Arsenic gets absorbed in the internal organs so it doesn't show up in the blood tests. Test her hair. If it's positive, chelate it out of her blood. (He leaves)"
Chase," No cancer, no porphyria."
Foreman, You paged me with negative test results?
Chase," Yes, because it means we're done. Since we still don't know what's wrong, this kid has a real pRoblem. Talk to House?"
Foreman, Not his case.
Chase, There's a point when Cameron and I aren't enough.
Foreman, We're not there.
Foreman, (to Melinda) We need to run some more tests.
Melinda," A week ago, he was a happy little boy playing with his brother, and now he can barely lift his head."
Foreman, We'll figure this out. I just need ÔøΩ
Evan, Mom! Help!
Foreman, We need a crash cart!
Melinda, What's going on?
Foreman, He's in cardiac arrest.
Chase, Get them outta here.
Chase, Clear. (He shocks Jonah)
Foreman, Nothing. Go again.
Chase, Clear. (He shocks Jonah again)
Foreman, He's back. (He sighs loudly)
Chase, Foreman. We're there.
Thirteen, Chelation's complete. You're arsenic-free.
Sophia, So I can get outta here?
Thirteen, In the morning.
Sophia," That's it? No advice? No ""be careful out there, kiddo?"""
Thirteen, You want my advice?
Sophia," Want is one thing, expect's another."
Thirteen, I wish I could tell you what to do. But you're strong. You've made good choices. You'll be fine.
Sophia, Thanks.
Thirteen, (holding onto Sophia) Need four milligrams lorazepam!
Thirteen," After the seizure, we ran a new MRI. (putting a scan on the lightboard) This is Sophia's brain three days ago, (putting up another scan) this is her brain today."
Taub, Lesions.
Kutner," Magical lesions, which appear out of nowhere."
House," She was cured, then she wasn't."
Thirteen, Lesions grew too fast for cancer.
Taub, Could be infection. MRSA.
Thirteen, WBC count would be through the roof.
House, Put the arsenic back.
Taub, You wanna treat a Patient nearly poisoned to death by giving her more poison?
House, Just because we call something a poison doesn't mean it's bad for you.
Thirteen, It was killing her.
House," But since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't killing her. And since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the killer. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade. (He moves around to stand behind his desk)"
Taub," So, what does arsenic treat?"
Kutner," Syphilis. Before penicillin, the treatment was arsenic."
Taub," We already ruled out STDs, and Even if we were wrong, that much arsenic in her system would've wiped out the syphilis."
Thirteen, Acute promyelocytic leukemia's still treated with arsenic.
Taub, APL explains the lesions and why they appeared after we took the arsenic out.
House," So, put the arsenic back. (He pops a Vicodin)"
Thirteen," We still have a pRoblem. Arsenic slows leukemia, but it can't cure it. If she wants to see 17, she's gonna need a bone marrow transplant."
Taub, Best match would be a sibling or a parent.
House," Biopsy a lesion, confirm that she's dying, then load her up with arsenic. Keep her alive till you can convince her that rapist marrow and rapist-enabling marrow work just as well as the unleaded stuff."
Foreman, We need to talk.
House, This about the case you didn't want me to know about?
Foreman, Cuddy?
House, Foreman. (Foreman looks puzzled) You didn't flinch when you found out about a sixteen-year-old who could be dying in the next few days. Means you're here about someone Even younger dying Even faster.
Foreman, (holding out the Jonah's file) He needs you.
House, (ignoring the file and brushing by Foreman) But he has you. (House heads out the door)
Foreman, This boy is going to die. You selfish enough to let it happen?
House, Pot calling a kettle a pot?
Foreman," You're a hypocrite. If our job is to find out what's killing Patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove you're the only one with magical powers."
House, Wanted something all your own? Now you got it.
House, Your disengagement won't work.
Wilson, I can see that.
House," You think that when you tell me what I should do, my instincts are to push back, so that by not telling me what you think I should do, I'll do what you think I should do."
Wilson, I sound convoluted.
House, Disengagement is neither artful nor effective.
Wilson, So my not doing anything isn't causing you to do anything?
House, Right.
Wilson, I'm okay with that.
House," No, you're not. You are designed to have opinions and to force them on people."
Wilson, I'm starting to sound desperate.
Wilson, Don't screw with my stuff.
Sophia," I just need a donor with the same blood type or something, right?"
Thirteen," Actually, bone marrow's a little more complex. The best donors are immediate family."
Sophia, But those donor banks have thousands of names.
Thirteen, Your parents' similar DNA gives you a much better chance of ÔøΩ
Sophia," No. If I do this, I'll owe my life to them. It'd mean Everything else that happened was somehow okay. They don't deserve that. They're not in my life. If that means I'm dead, then I'm dead."
Taub," I have Huntington's disease. I'm dying. I don't know when it'll happen, but it'll be sooner than I Ever planned. And I'd do anything to stop it. Because the only way to make anything right, the only way to make your life matter is to live as long, and as well as you possibly can."
Sophia, Have you Ever been raped?
Taub, No.
Sophia, Don't try to walk in my shoes and I won't try to walk in yours.
Thirteen, You had no right.
Taub, To try to convince her to do the right thing?
Thirteen, To lie to her.
Taub, It's a true story. Who cares if it's not my story?
Thirteen, It's my life.
Taub," It's her life. Point wasn't I'm dying. Point was she should live. You should have told her. Instead you tell her to call the cops, give her stats on DNA markers. Everything's by the book. Nothing's Ever personal."
House, (interrupting loudly from his office) Trying to sleep here!
Taub, Biopsy confirmed APL. She needs a bone marrow transplant.
House, (picking up his backpack) Run the donor banks. I'm going home. (He slings the backpack over his shoulder)
Thirteen, We need to track down her parents.
House," (approaParkng the doorway) I assume she's already said no to that idea, or there'd be no need to screw up your courage before saying it."
Thirteen, Parkldren who've been through trauma can't think clearly. Parkldren who've been through trauma and are dying ÔøΩ
House, Guess I'm the only one who cares about Patient rights.
Thirteen, What she wants could kill her. What she needs could save her.
House," Our job is to find out what's killing Patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy. (He turns back to his office)"
Thirteen, Idiocy is what's killing her.
House," (picking his coat up off the chair) And since we can't cure that, I'm going home. (He moves toward his office door)"
Thirteen," We could save this Patient, but all you care about is getting your answer."
House, (turning back and looking at Thirteen) Your point being?
Thirteen, Taub and Kutner can check the donor banks. I'm gonna find her parents. (Thirteen leaves)
Cameron," Can't see why you're surprised. You push against House, he's gonna push back."
Foreman," Against me, I get. His ego's killing my Patient."
Cameron, You liked this case because he wasn't looming over you. The decisions were yours. Only difference now is he decided not to loom. Doesn't change the fact that your Patient's dying.
Foreman, What are we missing? What's not in the file?
Chase," The mother, over burdened at the end of her rope. Makes her kid sick so someone else will take care of him. Sympathize with her."
Cameron, Munchausen by proxy?
Chase," She brought him into the clinic, was with him when he went into cardiac arrest."
Foreman," The brother would have noticed, said something. Evan's Even more protective than she is."
Chase, Then maybe it's the brother.
Cameron, He's eight.
Chase, Could be jealous.
Foreman," He's the opposite of jealous. He includes Jonah in Everything he does. Makes sure he eats, brushes his teeth."
Chase, Think we gave him an idea?
Cameron, Either that or he's off to kill House.
Thirteen, Mr. Valez?
Valez, Yeah?
Thirteen," I'm Dr. Thirteen from Princeton Plainsboro hospital. We're treating your daughter, Sophia, for leukemia and we need to test both you and your wife for bone marrow donation."
Valez," I'm sorry, you said you were from Princeton Plainsboro?"
Thirteen," I know this is unexpected, but time is short and ÔøΩ"
Girl, What's going on?
Valez, This doctor says you have leukemia.
Girl, I don't have leukemia.
Thirteen, Sophia Valez?
Girl, Yeah?
Thirteen, Sophia Isabel Valez?
Girl, Yeah. Do you know something I don't?
Thirteen, Just that liars lie.
Thirteen, You stole her identity.
Sophia, To protect myself. So they can't find me.
Thirteen, We can protect you. But we need to find your parents.
Sophia, Why? You have my blood. You don't need my name to find a donor.
Thirteen," You're a minor. You obviously forged the eMancipation papers. Even if we had a donor, we'd still need your parents' consent to treat you."
Sophia, Can't you just pretend you didn't go to that House? That you didn't find that girl?
Thirteen, Calling your parents doesn't mean a family reunion. You don't Even have to see them.
Sophia," (stubbornly) When I get sick enough, it'll be an emergency. You'll have to give me a transplant. Even without consent."
Melinda, (who is sitting by the bed) An iron overdose?
Foreman," From his vitamins. If I'm right, we can treat him tonight. He'll be back to his old self in the morning."
Melinda, But! They're Parkldren's vitamins. I ÔøΩ I only give him one.
Foreman, I know. (He looks over at Evan who is curled up in a chair with a blanket and a pillow)
Evan, I thought more would make him strong. I didn't mean to make him sick.
Foreman, He's gonna be okay.
Evan, He's gonna hate me.
Foreman," Well, that's the great thing about brothers. You can make mistakes, and they'll still love you."
Kutner, Donor list turned up a partial match.
House, So treat her.
Thirteen, It's only a three out of six.
House, So don't treat her.
Kutner, She may not last the week. Partial's better than nothing.
House, So treat her.
Thirteen, She'll reject it. And she'll be too weak to try again when a better match turns up.
House," It's my turn now, right?"
Kutner, If a better match turns up.
House," Well, when you decide, get back to me."
Taub, She's scared.
House, Not scared enough. Tell her the thing about emotional reactions is they're definitionally irrational. Or stupid. Might wanna phrase that in your own words.
Taub, She wants to deny her parents the satisfaction of saving her life.
House, That's your rational explanation of her emotional response.
Thirteen, That was her explanation.
House, That makes sense. How long did it take her to come up with that?
Taub, It was her immediate reaction.
House, That doesn't make sense.
Kutner, The fact that it makes sense doesn't make sense?
House, Emotional is immediate. She went to rational first. Means there was no emotional to process.
Taub, You're saying she's lying about being raped?
House, Wouldn't be her first.
Thirteen, She lied about one trauma to cover a worse trauma.
House, So! what's worse than rape?
House," Hi, I'm Dr. House. (He stands to face her at the bottom of her bed) What did you do?"
Sophia, I don't ÔøΩ
House," Something happened, but it wasn't rape."
Sophia, BeliEve whatEver you want.
House," You're scared, and stubborn, and you don't like people feeling sorry for you. Why not?"
Sophia, I don't want pity. I just wanna be normal.
House," But you know you're not. (He moves to the side of the bed until he is standing right over her) You need people to see how independent you are, how well you're coping. So they won't see the lost, hurt little girl. (He leans down and is now right in her face) Because that's not what you see. You see someone who did something terrible! Who deserves to suffer. Who doesn't deserve to live. (pause) What did you do?"
House," Eventually, we'll find your parents! If only to deliver the body."
Sophia, Then they won't care.
House," (frustrated) You're an idiot. You'd rather die than face your parents because, what, you broke their Faberge egg?"
Sophia," I killed their son. (House looks stunned) I killed my brother. (pause) I was supposed to watch him. (pause) He was in the bath. (pause) I could hear him laughing. (pause) Every time they look at me, it's like I kill him again."
House," (quietly now) If you don't take your parents' bone marrow! You'll be killing their other Parkld. If they don't hate you now, they will then."
Sophia, I don't care.
House," Sure you do. You want someone to tell you it was just an accident. That it's not that bad, well, it is that bad. And you know it. There's nothing you can do to change that. (pause) But there is one thing you can do, to not make it worse."
House," If you're here to celebrate the kid's bone marrow transplant working, you missed cake."
Foreman, I want to do clinical trials.
House, Already had this conversation.
Foreman, I've proved that I can work two cases at once. I can do this. And I'm doing it.
House, Okay.
Foreman, Okay? Just like that?
House, Can I give my reasons later! or nEver?
Foreman, Three days ago you said no.
House, Three days ago you asked me. Now you told me. (He grabs his backpack and cane and heads toward the office door) Can't say no if it's not a question.
Wilson, Nice thing you did for Foreman.
House, He speaks.
Wilson, He deflects.
House, I almost cost a four-year-old his life.
Wilson," Well, you knew Foreman would figure it out."
House, Did I? (He looks at Wilson)
Wilson," You just needed to prove it to him. You're an ass. But, a noble one."
House, I sound clEver.
Wilson, Thank you.
House," Your little game didn't work. I'm not Foreman, and you're not me."
Wilson, You wanna talk about her?
House, Nope.
Wilson, Alright.
Wilson," You're gonna be okay, House."
House, Good to know.
Larry, [to Thirteen as she comes from an exam room] Excuse me. I've been waiting here for over an hour. All I need is a refill on my migraine medication.
Thirteen, We'll get to you as soon as we can.
Larry, You can get to me now. It'll only take you two minutes.
Thirteen, You're not an emergency.
Larry, This isn't an emergency room.
Thirteen, And it's not gonna go any faster by pissing me off.
Foreman, Got a minute?
Thirteen, No. [to the nurse in charge] A routine checkup can wait. What else you got?
Foreman, I'm consulting on some clinical trials that involve CNS compounds.
Thirteen," While it's true that no sometimes means yes, in this context!"
Foreman, One's a new Huntington's drug. Phase three trials are showing real results delaying neuronal degeneration. PRobably get you in.
Thirteen," [turns to face him] No, thanks. [walks away]"
Foreman," [following her] Are you doing anything about your disease, following any kind of program?"
Thirteen, No. Nor am I looking for a consult.
Jason," Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy."
House," Well, she's either not here, or she's under the desk. Either way, you're gonna have to wait outside until I'm finished."
Jason, Do you know when she'll be back?
House," Yes, which is why I need you to get out and leave me alone. [He grabs a pack of Post-Its from the desktop.]"
Jason, Sorry. [He closes the office door behind him.]
House, Nice try. Love to help.
Jason, Shut up! [He closes the office door behind him.]
House, [calmly] You wanted to see doctor ÔøΩ
Jason," I said shut up. I'm sick, and I want to know why. I want the best doctor in this hospital here, now! Or I'm gonna start killing people."
House, [conversationally] What seems to be the pRoblem?
Jason," [gesturing to Mitch with the gun] Close those blinds. [to Larry] You, push the sofa in front of that door. [to Sandra's husband] You, move that table in front of the other door. [shouts] Now!"
s Husband," Okay, okay. [to Oliver] Just move it. [As he and Oliver move the table] You know, you don't have to point the gun, Man. We're gonna do whatEver you want."
House," [not moving and not looking away from the gun] No, we're not."
Thirteen, House!
House," That's a bathroom you're barricading. It might come in handy, especially since you've clEverly decided to take a bunch of sick people hostage."
Jason," [pointing the gun again] Do it! [He pulls a file about 8""ÔøΩ thick from his briefcase.] My medical records. I need you to read them."
House," [standing, very slowly] You really think that reenacting ""Dog Day Afternoon"" is the best way to get diagnosed? I'm sure you've been waiting for hours in an uncomfortable chair, but you should watch the movie all the way through."
Jason," I've been to 16 doctors in the last two years. Had three full-body CTs and two MRIs, sEven blood panels, and one homeopathic consult."
House, And all that was missing was the threat of violence. [He starts slowly approaParkng Jason.]
Jason," What's missing is an answer! I can't breathe! I'm tired! all the time. I get skin rashes, and heart palpitations, and insomnia."
House," That's a cool constellation of symptoms. It could be something minor. At least compared to life in prison, which is what you seem to prefer to seeing 16 more specialists."
Jason, Shut up and do your job.
Jason, You barely looked at the file.
House," No need. Symptoms ÔøΩ those are the things you keep whining about. Tests ÔøΩ negative, or you wouldn't be here. History ÔøΩ shy, quiet kid. Kept to himself. Collected comic books and missing Parkldren."
Bill," Excuse me, my wife feels sick to her stomach."
House," Next time pack some heat, and maybe we'll look into it."
Sandra, [quietly] I'll be okay.
House," If you ask me, keeping an open line of communication is the best way to resolve conflict. [Jason puts the phone on the chair next to him.] What kind of breathing pRoblems?"
Jason," Shortness of breath. And sharp pain when ÔøΩ when I inhale. [He sits, keeping his hand on the receiver.]"
House," So you figured your wife left you because you couldn't breathe, right? Me, I rarely kidnap someone unless I've got a serious health pRoblem. Since you're not almost dead, it means you're armed because you're blaming something other than your health on your health."
Jason, I've nEver been married.
House, Oh. Got a match?
Jason, Why?
House, Because I'd rather not stand here while you try and negotiate a hostage trade for an incentive spirometer.
Thirteen, I'll look in Cuddy's desk.
House, Stay out of the desk! Cuddy doesn't smoke. But he does. [gestures toward Mitch]
Mitch," No, I ÔøΩ I don't."
House, Right. You just brush your teeth with coffee grounds.
Mitch," [placating, to Jason] Look, sir, I've nEver smoked in my life, okay? [mutters] Jerk."
Jason, [rising and pointing his gun at Oliver who is reaParkng into his jacket pocket] Hey!
House, You figure that two people snuck weapons into the clinic today?
Oliver, I'm sorry. It's just! I got a lighter.
Jason, Slowly.
House," Hold it out as far as you can. Try to blow it out. [Jason wheezes as he blows. The Bic flickers but doesn't go out. The second time, it doesn't Even flicker.] Decreased lung volume. Heart palpitations, fatigue, stomach pain. An intermittent rash ÔøΩ could be 100 things. If you add on that final symptom, it can only be pulmonary scleroderma."
Jason, What final symptom? Those were all my symptoms.
House," Last one is the 16 doctors who missed it. Simple alkylating agent, case solved. See you on visitor's day."
House, Crime scene!
Cuddy," [at the front desk] House, what's going on in there? Is Everyone all right?"
House, About to be. Assuming he's not lying. But he seems like a pretty straight arrow to me. [He winks broadly at Jason who pushes the speakerphone button. House speaks louder and hands the receiver to Jason.] I'm gonna need some propofol to prove that it's pulmonary scleroderma. Then we all get to go home.
Cuddy, Propofol? You sure ÔøΩ
House, Have one of the guards bring it in.
Jason," No, no guards. No cops."
Mitch," Uh, I'll go get it."
Jason, No one is leaving. [He sees a picture of Cuddy on the bookshelf.] She's not a cop? Dr. Cuddy brings in the drugs. Alone.
House, She might be armed. I'd have her deliver it shirtless.
House, Who is it?
Cuddy," Oh, God, House. Maybe we should wait for ÔøΩ"
House, Guys with Even bigger guns?
Cuddy, Who know how to talk to armed ÔøΩ
Jason, [calling from the office] Say good-bye or I shoot her.
House, Roll up your sleEve.
Jason, Give it to someone else first.
House, You're the only one who needs it.
Jason," Give it to someone else. If it goes in okay, you can give a second dose to me. I don't care who. Just pick someone."
House," Again, had your brilliant plan included a roomful of hostages that don't have fetuses, bacterial and fungal infections, leaving their immune systems too weak to deal with the metabolic strain, or are already on pain killers that have fatal interactions!"
Jason, [pointing the gun toward Larry] He's not on pain killers. I heard him tell her in the clinic.
Larry," Aw, come on, Man. Don't take it out on us. You got a pRoblem with doctors? Take it out on the doctors. [points to Thirteen] Give it to her."
House," She's sick. [to Larry] You are a very large creep. Take off your shirt. [He injects Larry, who grunts.] Satisfied?"
Jason, [standing] Fine.
House, [to Jason] Roll up your sleEve.
Jason, You think I'm an idiot? Huh? That's what you think?
House, I thought I had a little more time with a guy that size. [Jason primes the gun and points it at House.] You're not gonna do anything. You still need me.
Mitch, Hoh. Come on!
House, What are you doing? He didn't do anything.
Jason, You're right. I need you. I also need you to know you can't screw with me.
House, [to Jason] It's for you.
BowMan," Lieutenant BowMan, Princeton SWAT."
Cuddy," Dr. Cuddy, Dean of Medicine. We just heard a gunshot, but I haven't been able to make contact."
BowMan, [taking the phone from her and hanging up] We'll handle that once we secure our perimeter and set up our positions.
Cuddy," By ""perimeters,"" I assume you mean snipers? We have to put an end to this."
BowMan, Got a husband in there or a loved one?
Cuddy," Uh, no."
BowMan," Don't worry, we'll decide when to start shooting. [He hustles her away from the desk.]"
Taub, House is gonna get someone killed.
Kutner," The guy's ready to kill for a diagnosis, I can't think of a better doctor to be trapped in there with him."
Cameron, How 'bout someone who's not gonna keep pushing the whack job's buttons until he cracks?
Kutner, It's House.
House, Joe's Bar and Grill.
Foreman," It's Foreman, and Every fellow you've had in the last five years."
House," [turning on the speakerphone and putting the phone on the desk] What causes low lung volume, heart palpitations, fatigue, stomach pain, insomnia, and a rash?"
Chase," This is pathetic. If I strap a bomb to my chest, do I get sEven doctors attending to me?"
House, Dr. Chase. On the off chance you have some brilliant escape plan and are the vengeful type.
Chase, Do you think he's the only guy in New Jersey with an unsolved illness and a pistol? I'm not playing this game.
House, Seriously? You're walking out?
Cameron," No, he's just kidding. He's right here."
House," [taking a picture off the wall and gesturing to Oliver] Throw me that marker, will you? [He does.]"
Foreman," Chest pain, the lung pRoblems, fatigue, rash. Sounds like chronic lung infection."
Thirteen, Heart palpitations and fatigue ÔøΩ could be a cancer that's spread from the lungs.
House, [writing on Cuddy's wall] Next!
Cameron," If his diaphragm's not working, maybe his nerves are freezing up."
Regina, [referring to Mitch who is stretched out on the floor] I think he's going into shock.
House, First rule of triage: Guys with guns go first. Next!
Kutner, The shortest distance between stomach pain and insomnia is bad circulation. Plus troubled breathing. Could be a heart defect.
Bill, You needed to write four things down to remember 'em?
House," It's not my wall. You're gonna get some special deliveries. Foreman, we're gonna draw blood. Run tests for infection and cancer. Cameron, comb through his medical records. See if any of his past 900 medications could have screwed up his heart. Taub and Kutner, go to his apartment, check for neurotoxins."
Jason," 873 Marshall, South Brunswick. Back window's unlocked."
House, Giving out your address. Clearly you're not going back there. Means you do have an end game.
BowMan, I'm Lieutenant BowMan. How's Everyone doing in there?
House," Got one lower limb flesh wound, another guy unconscious. Unfortunately, not the guy we hoped. We're gonna need someone to deliver his blood. [Jason disconnects the call.] It's gonna be hard to play doctor ÔøΩ"
Jason, Shut up. [He gestures to Nikki with the gun.] Open that blind. Just a few inches.
Nikki, Why me?
Jason, Just open it. Open it!
Nikki, Why me? Anyone can do it. Why pick me?
Jason, Get back! Get back! [He runs to the wall next to the window Thirteen is in front of.] I will kill her unless you back the hell out of there now!
House, Interesting. Anybody else hear those guys outside? [pause] Anybody? He's got hyperacusis.
Jason, What does that mean?
House, It means we have a favorite. It's nerve related.
Thirteen, Amped-up hearing could be linked to nerve palsy.
House, Puff out your cheeks. Come on. [House demonstrates and Jason imitates him.] Now big mug shot smile.
Thirteen, Left side facial weakness.
House, SEventh nerve palsy. Plus intermittent rashes. Plus migraines. It's post-herpetic neuralgia.
Jason, Herpetic? You think I have herpes?
House, I'm not judging here. This thing is just as likely to be caused by Parkcken pox.
Jason, I need proof now.
House," There is a test. It's dangerous and painful while the treatment is safe and painless. But you make a good point. You need proof now. I'll order up the test. If you have neuralgia, you won't feel it going in."
Jason, It only hurts if your diagnosis is wrong?
House, Win-win.
BowMan," Jason, don't hang up the phone again."
Jason, You're gonna send in! [He gestures to House with the gun.]
House, Capsaicin. 200 micrograms.
Jason, And two syringes this time.
Thirteen, And we'll give you the blood and his records.
BowMan," No more meds, Jason, and no deliveries without something in return. You've gotta give us a hostage."
Jason, You can have two.
BowMan, Great. Then I'll send an Officer right in with the transfer.
Jason, Everything gets brought in by Dr. Cuddy.
BowMan," Jason, I'm not gonna let her do that."
House," First ÔøΩ don't use his name so much. It doesn't sound reassuring, it just sounds creepy. Second ÔøΩ come on, he's not gonna shoot the one person he trusts to bring in his medication. He's gonna shoot the hostages if she doesn't bring it in."
BowMan, I'll get back to you.
BowMan, The guy's deManding that you do all the transfers.
Cuddy, [quietly and slightly breathless] Okay.
BowMan, Okay?
Cuddy, What am I supposed to say?
Jason," You're supposed to say no. It's not your job. If you got a conflict here, if you have stakes in this that you're not telling me about, then I can't trust you."
Cuddy, Got it. I'm okay. Can you tell him I'm coming in now?
Jason, Who's taking the first dose?
House, [talking through the cap of the syringe which is in his mouth] Anybody here got a long-standing case of neuralgia that's killed their nerves so this won't hurt at all?
Oliver, How bad does it hurt?
House, You're looking to be the hero?
Oliver," Well, I've been beaten up a lot, and I can handle pain."
Regina, How old are you?
House, The guy's got a gun. I think that covers the parental consent issue.
Regina, And that stuff can also cause nerve and muscle damage.
Bill, Ah. No way am I taking that crap. Come on.
House, You have to. It's the rules.
Thirteen, I'll do it.
House, This is a lEvel of risk taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action.
Thirteen, They're Patients. I'm a doctor.
House," With a degenerative, drug-unfriendly illness."
Thirteen, Everything's not some fascinating character flaw.
House, This is a genetic flaw. This is your Huntington's speaking. This is you waving a white flag at the world.
Thirteen," Yes, I have a shortened life span. Another reason why I'm objectively the right choice. [She gasps and doubles over in pain.]"
House," Wow! I would have laid money you had herpes. [to Jason] Your turn. So why are we here? We've ruled out immediate risk of death, lost love. That just leaves! work? You're defined by your work. But you kept seeing doctors, kept missing time. Couldn't focus. [injects him] Maybe you made a huge mistake! got fired."
Jason, I just want an answer.
House, I know. I'm asking why.
Taub, Guy knew he wasn't coming back. Everything's laid out for us. I'll check for toxins in the kitchen. [He puts on gloves.]
Kutner," [looking at Jason's desk] He must have $6,000, $7,000 in unpaid medical bills."
Taub, I've got Debt too ÔøΩ you don't see me acting like a lunatic.
Kutner," There's no excuse for what he's doing, but you've got millions of people, thousands of dollars in Debt because they're sick ÔøΩ At least one of them's gonna do something inexcusable. Especially if it works."
Foreman, White blood cell count's normal. It's not infection.
House," So either his heart's on the fritz, or he's got cancer."
Kutner," Found a picture of his mom. She's got a droopy eye, fat face, thick neck."
Cameron, Classic signs of an upper-lobe tumor.
House, Or she's just ugly.
Kutner, There are also classic signs of an adrenal pRoblem.
Thirteen," [sitting on the floor, near Jason] It's his heart."
House, You can't be sure what ÔøΩ
Thirteen, His neck. Distended jugular.
Jason, What are you doing?
House, I am going to try to strangle you faster than you can pull a trigger.
Thirteen, He needs to check your pulse.
House, It's racing. 160.
Thirteen, We need to get paddles.
Bill, Or maybe we could just do nothing.
Jason, If I get any weaker! And they don't fix it! I'll shoot! you!
Sandra, Don't. He didn't mean to ÔøΩ
House, Shut up! All of you. [He listens to Jason's heart with the stethoscope then removes it and reaches for Jason's neck again.]
Jason, What are ÔøΩ what are you doing? What are you doing?
House, Carotid massage! gotta slow your heart. It's 200.
Jason," Well, get the paddles."
House, Uh-uh. Whole point of those things is to make your muscles contract. They don't discriminate against trigger fingers.
Jason," Nobody gets my gun. [He yells toward the phone, which is on speaker.] Send in paddles!"
House, [equally loud] Don't!
Jason, Get the damn paddles! Or I'll shoot you.
House," Threatening to shoot the guy who's diagnosing you makes a lot of sense. Actually doing it, not so much."
Regina, Give him your gun so he can save you.
Bill, Just let him die.
Sandra," Bill, stop."
Thirteen, We can cardiovert chemically.
House, If we don't know what kind of heart rhythm it is ÔøΩ
Thirteen," If we don't try something, he's gonna kill someone. I'm gonna get the drugs."
Jason, No one goes anywhere!
House," If she doesn't come back, you've got plenty of other people you can shoot."
Jason, [gesturing toward Oliver] You! come here. [to Thirteen] All right! 30 seconds.
House, She's gonna go.
Regina, She's gonna come back.
House, She should go.
Regina, [referring to Oliver] He'll kill him.
House, But not her.
Regina, That your version of morality?
House," If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself."
Regina, [impulsively] Shoot me.
Jason, You really want ÔøΩ
Regina, Yes.
Regina," No, no! She just needs time! She just needs more time to find you the right ÔøΩ the right drug ÔøΩ time, she needs time."
Thirteen, It's me. [She closes the door.]
Jason, She takes it first.
House," Adenosine slows the heart. Which is fine, if it's beating fast like yours. Not fine if it's normal, like hers. Following the math on this?"
Jason, She takes Everything I take. I don't want anything that cross-reacts.
House, The martyr's heart is beating dangerously slow. Are we good to go? [He injects Jason while Regina tends to Thirteen.] [House feels for Jason's pulse.] Your heart's back to normal. No tachycardia. No sign of a heart defect at all. [pause] But you're sweating.
Jason, I nearly had a heart attack. You're surprised I'm sweating?
House," On one side of your face, but not the other."
Jason, What's that mean?
House, A tumor is pressing on your sympathetic nerves. You have lung cancer.
Regina, Pulse is down below 50.
House, So's her IQ. Help her up. Get her heart going faster. [He looks at Oliver who goes over to help.]
Jason, I need proof it's cancer.
House, Of course you do!
House," It's gotta be a Pancoast tumor. Patient's got dyspnea, sEventh-nerve palsy. He's sweating on one side of his face."
Wilson, Everything okay in there?
House, Take your time. It's not like I've got a gun to my head.
Wilson, Lung cancer usually shows up lower than the sEventh nerve. Did you check his throat?
House, [to Jason] Spit on the floor.
Jason, What?
House," If I do it, I can't tell Cuddy that it was medically necessary. I'm gonna ask you to piss on her chair next. [Jason tries to spit. Nothing comes out. He coughs.] Dry mouth. His parotid glands aren't working."
Wilson," If there's swelling, it's a Pancoast tumor that's metastasized."
House, Feel that. Right there.
Jason," [feeling it] If it's cancer, there must be a test."
House, You just did it.
Jason, What about an X-ray or something?
House," Good idea. Oh, damn. I left my CT maParkne in my other pants."
Jason, How Many hostages do you think it would cost me for a trip to radiology?
House, So! what made you snap? HMOs?
Jason, Shut up.
House," Nah, you saw 16 doctors. How bad could they have been?"
Jason, Shut up!
House," Humiliation? Doctors treating you like a piece of meat? Too Many fingers and tubes up your holes. You hate doctors. You want to take back control. If so, I apologize for the fact that you are a piece of meat."
Jason, I just want an answer. That's all.
Jason, Everyone stays in here with me.
Jason," If you need anything from in there, get it now."
Jason, Move around. [He lies down with his head in the headrest.] Anyone moves! I fire.
House, That's not all. Curiosity's not enough. There's gotta be a deeper reason.
Jason, You nEver did anything just because you had to know?
House, NEver shot anyone.
Jason," You're not me. This is my body. This is my life. And there's a truth out there. I'd rather rot in jail knowing than! I can't handle not knowing. [The gun, which is facing Regina, quivers.]"
House, Yeah.
House, What's this?
Thirteen, Starburst artifact. The metal from the gun is ruining the image.
House, [to Oliver] Show him.
Oliver, [turning the pad around] Starburst.
House," Now, unless you think we pre-arranged that, just in case we were Ever held hostage by a guy who needs a CT, we're not lying. So you have two choices. You can give me the gun and get your answer. Or you can shoot me."
Jason, I'm not gonna give you the gun.
Cuddy, Why did he release you?
Regina, House got him to give up his gun. We just ran.
House, [looking back at Oliver] Why are you still here?
Oliver," Curious. It's safe now, right?"
Jason, They're gonna be through that door any moment. Just show me the tumor.
House, There isn't one. I don't know what you have.
Jason, So! It's over. Thanks for trying. [He hops off the CT bed and puts on his suspenders.]
Jason, You had four theories. You ruled out four theories. Maybe no one can cure me.
House, He overpowered me and got the gun back. [He hangs up.]
Thirteen," [to House] You're a coward. You need to know Everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another huMan being, that you'll risk other people's lives."
House, I'm arrogant. You're the coward. You're terrified of death. You just want to cheat it by making it come sooner. Gives you the illusion of control.
Oliver, [standing in the corner behind Thirteen] Can I go?
House, Sorry. We might need you. [The phone starts ringing again. House picks it up and slams down the receiver.] How do they expect me to think?
BowMan, Is he lying?
Cuddy, Why would he do that?
BowMan," Over time, hostages start to root for the captor."
Cuddy, House isn't the rooting kind.
BowMan," No, he's the obsessive, defiant kind. [into his communications headset] Mic the door. Get a frame charge. [to Cuddy] I hope your boyfriend knows what he's doing."
Wilson, Are you insane?
House," He's quick for a sick guy. Dyspnea, anemia, sEventh-nerve palsy, tachycardia. [He puts his cell phone on speaker and drops it on the counter.] Long passes. Anything. Go."
Foreman, I don't beliEve it. Chase was right. You're gonna kill someone. I don't want to be a part of it. [He leaves.]
Taub, Loa loa filariasis.
House, You Ever been to Cameroon or on the Ogowe River? Next.
Cameron, Could be Q fEver if he's had exposure to goats.
Jason, No goats.
Kutner, [getting up and approaParkng the desk] Histiocytosis X explains the lung involvement and ÔøΩ
House," [getting up and approaParkng Jason] Whoa, whoa, whoa! We have a new symptom. He is turning his head, favoring his left ear. Means he's partially deaf in the right."
Wilson," Three hours ago, he had superhero hearing."
Cameron," Cushing's causes fatigue, breathing pRoblems, fluctuating hearing."
Kutner, Even increased aggression and risk-taking.
Jason, I'm doing this by choice. It's not a symptom.
House, We'll keep that between us till you talk to your Lawyer. [He picks up the wall phone and pushes the intercom and speakerphone buttons. He speaks to BowMan] I need dexamethasone and enough time to provoke a respiratory reaction and confirm Cushing's syndrome.
BowMan," [voice over] You need more time? House, we're not negotiating with you. Actually, we're through negotiating."
Jason, [standing up and shouting] I've still got three hostages left. I'll give you one.
BowMan, And no more testing drugs on the sick doctor.
Jason, Fine. Send in the drugs.
Cop," Son, come here, come here."
Cuddy," House, you can't ÔøΩ"
House," If you have Cushing's, this will slow your breathing."
Jason, Give it to her first.
House, Those were not the terms.
Jason, [pointing the gun] I lied. These drugs could be fake.
House, Why would I do that? I gave you back the gun!
Jason, You wouldn't. They would.
House," She has Huntington's. If these drugs are real, it could screw up her liver."
Thirteen," [grabbing the syringe and injecting herself in the hip] The chances are slim. Chances of him shooting one of us, on the other hand ÔøΩ"
House, Don't do ÔøΩ
Jason, How long do you have to live?
Thirteen," Eight, ten years."
House, Killing her is your chance to get personal?
Jason, Huntington's doesn't have ÔøΩ [He gasps as House injects him.] doesn't have a cure?
Thirteen, No.
Jason, So if we get out of here ÔøΩ
House," If she were clinging to hope, she wouldn't be standing in line waiting for you to order up more drugs. [He puts on a stethoscope and goes to Jason.] Take a deep breath."
Jason, Not knowing what was wrong with me! made me miserable. Maybe that's insane. Doing this! Yeah. Insane. But I had something to gain. You can't take risks with no upside at all.
House," [removing the stethoscope] I can't decide which is riskier, taking crazy risks or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk-taker. [He goes to Thirteen and feels for her pulse.] Heart's racing. FEver. [He lays her down on the CT bed and turns to Jason.] And your breathing's unchanged."
Jason, Does that mean she!
House, Means I was wrong. Her kidneys are shutting down because of the meds you made her take.
House," We have to get her out of here. [He opens his cell phone.] The dexamethasone is making Thirteen's kidneys fail, but not the Patient's ÔøΩ why?"
Cameron," This guy's been on 50 different medications. Maybe his kidneys should be failing, but something's protecting them."
House," [to Jason] I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. [Jason points the gun at him.] Seriously. If I was jerking you around, I'd say I needed to kick you in the groin. [Jason lowers the gun and House slaps him across the face.] That twitch is Chvostek's sign. Don't ask me how Chvostek discovered it. [into the phone] He has calcium deficiency. Drugs that block calcium tend to shield against kidney damage."
Cameron, He's been on protein pump inhibitors for years for his stomach pain.
House," Those drugs have been protecting his kidneys for years. He has something that has a long incubation period. Something that should have wrecked his kidneys. Something that explains breathing pRoblems, heart pRoblems, jumpy nerves, and weak blood."
Taub, LeishManiasis.
House, Would make perfect sense if our Patient was an Arabian Bedouin.
Cameron," Melioidosis. Bacteria gets into the lungs, spreads to the heart. It explains Everything."
House," Except that if you read the history, you'd know that our Patient has nEver been to a tropical climate!"
Cameron, Is he absolutely sure of that? Mexico. Costa Rica. You've nEver been ÔøΩ
Jason, I've nEver been anywhere south of Florida.
House, You idiot.
Jason, Florida counts?
House," Well, not to the Supreme Court. But it's warm enough for germs. [He closes his cell phone and walks over to the wall phone.] You keep blaming doctors when you can't Even give a halfway decent history."
BowMan, Negotiation's over.
House, It will be as soon as you get us three grams of ceftazidime.
BowMan," He comes out, he gets all the medicine he wants."
Jason, You can have Dr. House.
House, [disconnecting the call] Why are you getting rid of me?
Jason, I need to trade you for the answer.
House, You're gonna give her the meds.
Jason, No!
House," Come on, give 'em to me instead."
Jason, [apologetically] She's taken Everything I've taken. The combination of meds could knock me out.
House," [angrily]Her kidneys are failing. You give her those drugs, she'll be dead by the time they get the cuffs on you."
Jason, I need my answer.
House, Your obsession is gonna kill her!
Jason, Your obsession gave me back the gun! [He points the gun at House.]
House," [calmer now] It is pointless to give her those drugs. Even if they are screwing with you, this is your last diagnosis."
Jason, Only if you're right.
Thirteen," [pushing herself to a semi-sitting position] House, get out of here."
House, Shut up. I'm not leaving.
Thirteen, Who's the martyr now? Either the drugs kill me or he kills me. Doesn't seem to make a lot of difference.
Thirteen, You really don't feel bad about killing me?
Jason, Not if you don't feel bad about killing yourself.
Thirteen, I don't want to die.
Jason," Yeah, you do. You just don't have the nerve to actually do it. You just want it out of your control. Well, it is. 'Cause I've got a gun. [He points it.]"
Thirteen, Don't do this.
Jason," Either I do this with you alive, or!"
Thirteen, Please. Sometimes you just have to trust people.
Thirteen, I don't want to die! I don't want to die!
House, Why are you still alive?
Thirteen, He didn't make me take it.
Foreman," A week of temporary dialysis, your kidneys will be okay. [she sighs] I'm sorry I backed out of the differential."
Thirteen, About that Huntington's drug trial! [She smiles at him.]
House, Test confirmed melioidosis. Easy to miss on a stain. [He retriEves his cane.] Scans and X-rays vary widely.
Cuddy," Is that all you care about? A moron storms the clinic, bullies his way into life without parole, you enabling him Every step."
House," If he hadn't done what he did, he'd be dead. Good thing you enabled my Every medical move. [He moves to stand closer to her.]"
Cuddy, You think I handled this differently because you were in here?
House, I don't know. Let's try it again without me.
Cuddy, This is why you and I can't be a! thing.
House," If you're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me, I don't know how I can help you. 'Cause the only change you can make from a non-relationship is!"
Cuddy, You want a relationship?
House," God, no. Just trying to follow your logic."
Emmy," Do you want a lean body for summer? Well, the time to start is now. No gimmicks, no crash diets, and absolutely no drugs. Think healthy and be healthy. You can start now. Just pick up the phone and become the best you you can be."
Irv, Ohh.
Director, Cut! Going again.
Irv," Sorry, did I mess up the commercial?"
Emmy," No, it's fine. Are you okay?"
Irv," Ah, I think it's cramps. Oh, I have burning on my side."
Emmy," Sit down, take a few minutes, and catch your breath. Everybody else keep running!"
Director, We're not filming.
Emmy, We don't do this for the cameras. We do it for ourselves.
Director," [quietly, to Emmy] We can't go again with him sitting there."
Emmy," Fine, um, but that felt phony. At least let me get a little workout. Maybe if I'm breathing as hard as they are, I won't seem like such an evil task master."
Director," All right, take five, guys."
Emmy, [to Irv] How you feeling?
Irv, I think I'm ready to do this.
Emmy," You sure? [Irv stands.] That's it. That's the way to fight through. [She gets into position to walk up the bleachers next to him.] All right, concentrate on those knees. Lean into it. And lift."
Irv, Lifting.
Emmy," Come on, push it!"
Irv, Lifting.
Emmy," Come on, you're almost at the top. Those eight steps are the difference between fat and thin. SEven, six, five, four! One more! Nice job! [Irv reaches the top a throws his arms high in celebration.] You feel that burn? That's your body carving out its new shape."
Irv, Okay.
Emmy, Don't sit. Just take it slow on the way down.
Irv," [whispers] Oh, boy. [He walks down a couple of steps until he is abreast with Emmy. She looks a little spacy.] Are you okay?"
Cuddy, Any idea why we're getting half as Many requests for you as usual?
House, Democrats' health care plan?
Cuddy, At least we have one case that looks intriguing. 30-year-old fitness trainer suddenly can't breathe. Collapses and breaks her ankle. [He grabs the file and starts reading.] That's it? You're not gonna argue why this case is beneath you?
House, No point. I'm in an elevator. Can't run away.
Cuddy, You can't run away anyway.
House, That's just mean. [They get off the elevator and walk down the hall side by side.] Why are we still together?
Cuddy, We are going to our office.
House, Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in once you pass Parkld-bearing age.
Cuddy," Well, that's just mean. My office was recently destroyed. I thought I'd use the office of the doctor directly responsible. [She blocks the door to House's office with her arm.]"
House, I think the Patient holding the gun to my head was actually the one directly responsible.
Cuddy, My desk won't fit in his cell. You can use our outer office.
House, Where's Foreman and Thirteen?
Taub, Down in the GRC. Thirteen started her clinical trials today.
Kutner, What's Cuddy doing in your office?
House, Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
Cuddy, [calling from House's office] These walls aren't soundproof.
House, I'm well aware. [to Kutner and Taub] Normal CT means that her lung pRoblem has the distinction of having nothing to do with her lungs.
Taub," [looking at a photo from the file] Steroids. No one looks this fit without cheating. Anabolic steroids hack away at the immune system, left her open to a pulmonary infection."
House, [looking at the picture] Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.
Kutner," She's not on steroids. Her program's all about getting in shape naturally ÔøΩ exercising, eating right."
Taub, And you know this because?
Kutner, She has infomercials to sell her DVDs. What? I'm up late a lot.
House, And you actually beliEve what you see on TV. Go run the labs.
Cuddy, [loudly] The labs are back. And there's no sign of steroid use. Can someone please read her file?
House, Can someone please stop backseat differentialating?
Kutner, What about allergies? She goes jogging Every morning. Inhales car fumes during rush hour.
Cuddy," [joining them] Perfect, except that she was jogging half a mile from the nearest road. In the cold. Cold air hits the lungs, sets off an attack. Exercise-induced asthma."
House," Nice try. Except EIA doesn't account for the elevated BP, if you'd read the file. [to Taub and Kutner] Come on. Before the shrieking harpy melts my brain."
Taub, Her BP's fine.
House, I know.
Kutner, Exercise-induced asthma actually fits.
House, I know. You know. She can't know.
Taub, The only good way to test for EIA is to recreate the conditions in which the attack occurred. But we can't exactly make her run out in the cold on a broken ankle.
House," Get creative. [He fakes giving Taub Emmy's photo. When he reaches for it, House gives it to Kutner.]"
 Hadley, It's gonna be okay. [He closes the bedroom door.]
Taub, Any shortness of breath? Tightness in your chest?
Emmy, Feeling pretty good actually.
Kutner, Not Even breathing hard. O2 stats and lung capacity are still well within range.
Taub, Your cuff's slipping down. You want to stop for a moment?
Emmy, I'd rather not. Haven't had any exercise in two days.
Taub, Take it you don't get a lot of fat in your diet.
Emmy, I take it from your tone you think that's a bad thing.
Taub, Do you Ever indulge?
Emmy, Ha. There's more to life than indulging your Every whim.
Taub, I didn't say Every. But a whim Every now and then can make life a little ÔøΩ
Kutner, You okay? Trouble breathing?
Emmy," [She has the same spacy look she had before she fell.] No, I feel fine. Why?"
Taub, [checking her neck] No pulse. This isn't asthma.
Thirteen, There a lot of other people in the trial?
Foreman, I'm taking over the people that already started it at Mercy. So pretty full. Stop. [He resets the maParkne.] One more time. No talking.
Thirteen," I shouldn't be here. It's nepotism. I know the guy running the drug trials, so I get a spot."
Foreman," You have Huntington's, so you get a spot. Stop. One more time. Just the fingers. No mouth."
Thirteen, The point of this thing is to improve neural cell longevity. Which doesn't matter much before symptoms. So you should give my spot to someone ÔøΩ
Foreman, Shut up. Stop. You can stop feeling guilty. Your best tapping rate was .004 taps per millisecond. Means your nerves have started degenerating.
House," You wanna work in here? Fine. Me too. We'll split the desk, 50-50. That side's yours. This side's mine."
Cuddy, You're right. There's plenty of space here. Neither one of us needs all of it.
House, So that's your strategy. Taking the high road. It's not gonna work.
Cuddy, Huh? Did you say something? I couldn't hear you from all the way over here on my side of the desk.
Taub, [entering with Kutner] Patient's heart stopped.
Kutner, We shocked her back to sinus rhythm. She's stable. Test didn't set it off. Her EKG was normal.
House," Well, she's consistent. The lung pRoblems had nothing to do with her lungs. A heart pRoblem that has nothing to do with her heart. Something is strangling her system."
Kutner, Carcinoid tumor?
House," Find it, cut it out."
Kutner, Can a leaking breast implant cause joint pain?
Taub, No. And she clearly doesn't have implants. Or joint pain. What's going on?
Kutner, Got another Patient. I set up an online second opinion clinic. People who don't like or trust their doctors e-mail symptoms. I can knock off four or five cases over lunch. Clear two grand by e-mailing them back. Ascending colon's clean.
Taub, That's got to be illegal.
Kutner," Only in nine states, and this isn't one of them. Legal notice spells out it doesn't replace doctor's visits. So there's no opportunity for malpractice."
Taub, How come you haven't said anything about this?
Kutner, It's no big secret. I guess I'm just not very chatty.
Taub, You told us when you renewed your subscription to National Geographic.
Kutner, Small intestine looks clean. Moving into the pylorus.
Taub, So you don't mind if I tell House?
Kutner, Actually House may sort of mind because I sort of set it up in House's name. Nothing in the bile duct.
Taub," And by ""set it up in his name,"" you mean?"
Kutner, I mean it's Dr. Gregory House's second opinion clinic with medical advice direct from Dr. Gregory House.
Taub, You're insane. With two days to live.
Kutner, House is nEver gonna find out.
Taub, He will if I tell him. Or you cut me in for 30% and I keep your secret safe.
Kutner, That's blackmail.
Taub, Yes. Moving into the ÔøΩ [He stares at the screen.] Whoa ÔøΩ
Kutner, That's her stomach? [The scan is on the screen.] It's the size of a shot glass.
Taub," Because our Patient's a big, fat cheater."
House, Subtle. No way you geniuses could've spotted this.
Taub, Gastric bypass surgery. She had her stomach stapled. Then had the records from her files pulled so it wouldn't ruin their DVD sales.
Cuddy, [into the phone] Hold on a second. [She puts her hand over the mouthpiece and turns to House.] Can you do this outside?
House," I could, but that would defeat the purpose of doing it here. Where are the smart guys?"
Taub," If you mean Foreman and Thirteen, apparently the first appointment of the drug trial's an all-day thing."
House, I said yes to this?
Kutner, Her gastric bypass procedure could cause ÔøΩ
House, Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
Taub, Should we treat her like a 60-year-old Asian Man too? She's not fat.
House," Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun."
Kutner," When she was obese, she pRobably had type two diabetes. Could've left her with perManent nerve damage."
House," Ten points for doing what I said. Minus ten points for doing it badly. If this was diabetes-induced nerve damage, it would've kicked in years ago. [Turns to his desk. Cuddy is still on the phone. Loudly] Have you seen my balls?"
Cuddy, Can you hold on a second? [She puts the phone against her shoulder and turns to listen to House.]
House, My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one.
Cuddy, Your plan isn't gonna work.
House," Of course it is. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny that it's making you miserable. You try to make me miserable so I'll stop making you miserable. And Eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery."
Cuddy, [searParkng in her purse] You're not bothering me.
House, Step one complete.
Cuddy," [into the phone] I'm gonna call you from my cell. [She hangs up.] And then I will come back in here. [She dials the cell.] Hey. Yeah, I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [She pats House on the arm as she walks past him.] Excuse me."
Kutner, Sleep apnea explains ÔøΩ
House, Apnea would've disappeared when she shrank.
Taub, Not if it destroyed the musculature of her trachea.
Kutner, Apnea cuts off oxygen to the brain. The resulting neurological damage ÔøΩ
House, She been snoring?
Taub, She didn't mention it.
House, Did she mention feeling tired after a full night's sleep?
Kutner," No, but ÔøΩ"
House, [staring at the photo] This isn't apnea. And this is a stupid room to be doing a DDX in.
House," Cliff notes. Gastric bypass only makes her skinny on the outside. On the inside, we have heart and lung issues not caused by heart and lung issues."
Foreman," Private area, House. It can wait."
Thirteen, You need to consider side effects from her gastric bypass surgery.
Kutner, Forget the bypass.
House, Let the dying girl finish.
Kutner, You said forget the ÔøΩ
House, Tssss. Dr. Thirteen has the floor.
Thirteen, Bypass could create malabsorption issues. Leads to low potassium.
House, Very stupid. Her potassium's fine.
Kutner, But her intestines aren't. Gastric bypass could cause malabsorption by creating a blind loop of bowel. It ulcerates during exercise. Bacteria get loose in the bloodstream. Migrate to the heart and lungs.
House, Very not stupid. Bacteria in the bowels means there's bacteria in the poop. Get some and test it.
Foreman, He could've come up with SIBO anywhere else in the hospital. You didn't need to come down here and screw with us.
House, But her wrong idea led to his right one. It was vital screwing.
Taub, We think your surgery might've caused an infection called SIBO. The stool test will help us to confirm. Put some of what you're full of in here.
Emmy," If surgery could somehow make you taller, wouldn't you do it?"
Taub, Sure. But I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.
Emmy, I don't tell anyone not to get gastric bypass. I tell them how to get healthy. How to improve their lives.
Taub," Yeah, by telling them to do what you were unwilling to."
Emmy," I was willing to do anything. Thyroid, hormones, crash diets ÔøΩ none of it worked. My body was like a prison. When I got the surgery, I got healthy. And when I got healthy, I got happy."
Taub," I'm not sure you're happy. But if you are, being healthy didn't do it. Being pretty did. Poop in the bedpan. [He taps it with his pen and leaves.]"
Wilson, House's office? Really?
Cuddy, Did he send you here to beg for it back?
Wilson," Well, there are dozens of other doctors ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, Other doctors actually use their offices for crazy stuff like seeing Patients. Not throwing a ball against the wall and calling it work.
Wilson, It's his process. That ball saves lives.
Cuddy, Did he give you talking points?
Wilson," Yeah, but I added one of my own. Don't take his office and pretend like all you're doing is taking his office. You chose his room because you want to be there. But sitting near him and hoping isn't gonna get it done."
Cuddy," Leave here now, or I'll take your office."
Wilson," No, you won't."
Kutner, The boob lady e-mailed me again complaining of chronic fatigue now. She's convinced the implants are responsible.
Taub, They're not.
Kutner," I told her. She says something is, and if I don't find out what she's gonna complain to the licensing board. [Taub chuckles.] It's not funny."
Taub, It is. You just can't appreciate it because it's gonna destroy your career.
House," [standing behind them, unnoticed] What happened? He call Foreman ""clean and articulate"" again? It is surprising."
Taub, Clinic Patients just whining.
House, What's the poop?
Kutner, It's gonna take about an hour to spin down the sample.
House, What are we looking for?
Kutner, You don't know?
House, I'm doing my famous Socrates impression. Think I really nailed the accent.
Taub, High fat content indiCates SIBO.
House, And what does fat do in water? [He's at the sink with the tap turned on.]
Kutner, It floats.
House, What else floats in water?
House, Looks like I was wrong to dismiss apnea. You guys can stay up all night gloating in the sleep lab. [He drops the glove on the bucket and leaves.]
Kutner, What about all that scar tissue around the implant? Could that be ÔøΩ
Taub, That amount of encapsulation's perfectly normal.
Kutner," Well, I gotta tell her something."
Taub, Tell her to find a decent plastic surgeon who can correct the placement ÔøΩ
Kutner," Yeah, that's what she wants to hear, she's sick and she's lopsided."
Taub," Tell her it's a virus. It pRobably is, and it'll get her off your back for a few ÔøΩ [He looks at the sleep monitor.] Emmy's EEG is flatlining."
Kutner, Where would she have gone?
Emmy," Hey, I looked for you guys in the control room, but you seemed busy."
Kutner," [turning off the treadmill] Get off there. Last time you exercised, you had a cardiac incident."
Emmy, I feel fine.
Taub, You felt fine last time.
Emmy," I only slept a couple hours, but I feel great. Can I get one of those maParknes?"
Kutner, You're running on a broken ankle.
Emmy, It doesn't hurt.
Taub," And your leg is bleeding. [He gets a syringe and sticks her in the calf, just above the bloody cast.] You feel that?"
Emmy, [shaking her head] What does that mean?
Taub, Numbness in her left foot is ascending into her leg.
House, How did she Manage to sneak out for a run?
Kutner, She said she needed to use the bathroom.
House," You two get the results of the sleep apnea test, or did those need to use the bathroom too?"
Kutner, Alpha waves on the EEG ruled it out.
Cuddy, I was mixing some hydrogen sulfide for good and valid reasons and must've spilled some on my side. Did it waft over to your side?
House, Cunning plan. You do realize it's gonna stink for hours ÔøΩ on both sides.
Cuddy," Oh, would you look at the time? I hope your Patient isn't still sick! Forcing you to stay here all night."
Thirteen, Ascending numbness means her nerves are breaking down.
Taub, Or her brain.
House, Or both.
Foreman, We've gotta go.
Thirteen, Let me finish. I'll meet you down there.
Foreman, You were 15 minutes late yesterday. I don't want you to dEvelop bad habits.
Thirteen," Appreciate the life lesson, but 15 minutes give or take isn't gonna make a difference. Get started on your other Patients. I'll be down there when we're done here."
House," Way to know where your bread is buttered, sister. [raising his hand for a high five] Up high!"
Thirteen," [ignoring his hand] If the pRoblem's in her brain, it could be MS."
Kutner, Or early onset Parkinson's.
Taub," But if it's her nerves, it could be transverse myelitis."
House, Or a million other things. We're gonna stay in the dark until we can figure out if her electrical pRoblem is in her power station or in the high-tension wires. [They stare at him.] Power station's the brain. Wires are the nerves. Go run an NCV test.
Taub, The test will measure the amount of time it'll take this electrical impulse to travel along your nerves.
Emmy, Will it hurt?
Taub, No. Give me your arm.
Emmy, You can ask nicely.
Taub, I learned at med school you don't actually cure with kindness.
Emmy, You're right. I'm a hypocrite. But I don't have a choice.
Taub, Not really interested in your rationalizations.
Emmy," If I'm open about the gastric bypass, no one would listen to me anymore."
Taub, You mean no one would buy your DVDs.
Emmy, It's not about the DVD sales. I'm helping people. My clients are making themselves healthy. They're living better lives. Can you honestly tell me you've nEver done anything hypocritical? [Taub doesn't say anything.] I'm sure you had good reasons.
Taub, Give me your arm! please? [Her arm is shaking as she raises it about six inches off the bed.] Keep your arm raised.
Emmy, Does this mean something is wrong with my nerves?
Taub, No. It's your muscles. We don't need to run this test. It's not what we thought.
Taub, She has muscle weakness. Could indiCate myasthenia gravis.
Kutner, Yep.
Taub, Also could be some kind of toxin.
Kutner," [to DeeDee] Excuse me, are you going up to the personnel floors?"
DeeDee, I'm going to see Dr. House.
Taub, Do you have an appointment with him?
DeeDee, We've been e-mailing. Joint pain and fatigue thanks to these. [She grabs her breasts.]
Kutner, I'm sure it's nothing.
DeeDee," Oh, and now this. [She runs her hand through her long hair and drops a clump of it on the floor.]"
Kutner, He's actually downstairs.
Taub," Uh, gone. Gone for the day. But, uh, we work for him. We can set you up in the ER. [She shrugs.]"
Taub, The antibiotics will make her feel better. She's outta here by morning.
Kutner, If it is a staph infection.
Taub, It's gotta be. She has sleEves of tattoos and piercings from God knows where.
Taub, She has muscle weakness. Could indiCate myasthenia gravis.
House, I had the weirdest dream. You guys did the test in a reasonable amount of time and came back here before I had time to fall asleep. [winces] You guys still smell that?
Kutner, Maybe you should just let her have your office.
House," Or! [Sean Connery imitation] She sends one of yours to the hospital, send one of hers to the morgue. It's not myasthenia gravis. Her breathing's improving and the weakness is in her extremities."
Kutner, Could be a botulinum reaction.
Taub, I don't think sabotaging your boss' office is a wise counterattack.
House, All that is needed for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing. [He hands Taub his cane and picks up a sledge hammer.]
Kutner, She pRobably used a lot of botox to tighten up her skin.
House, True. [He limps into the bathroom.] Could also be any kind of heavy metal toxicity. PSP or arsenic from eating too much seafood. Cadmium from bad bottled water. Lead or nickel from canned fruits or natural grains.
Taub, I don't think replacing that was part of the renovation plans.
House," It is now. Lucky for us, we can treat all those toxins with the same thing: chelation."
Foreman, You nEver showed up.
Thirteen, Get out of my House.
Foreman," I wanted to find proof that you were slipping back into your self-destructive pattern. Confirm you weren't worth my time. Instead, I found this. [He holds up a notebook.] You followed all of my instructions to the letter. PRobably better than any Patient I have. So why are you the only one who can't show up for appointments?"
Thirteen, I came down right after I was finished with House. You were in your office with another Patient. And there was another Patient in the waiting room.
Foreman, Janice.
Thirteen, I'm well-aware of what's gonna happen to my body over the next eight to ten years. I do not need a visual reminder Every time I walk into that place.
Foreman," That's understandable. It's huMan. And you need to get over it. Now you show up on time tomorrow, or you don't show up at all."
 Hadley, [through the door] Your mom is leaving. You're gonna regret this the rest of your life.
Taub, The chelation didn't work. Her muscles are still deteriorating.
House, That rules out toxins. So what else can go wrong when the Hindenburg deflates?
Taub, Why aren't we doing this in your office?
House, Obviously because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy! overreacted to my overreaction.
Thirteen, Coronaro-cardiac fistula. Even a small hole could cause ÔøΩ
House," This started in the lungs, not the heart. And why are you leaning on a 45-degree angle away from Foreman?"
Thirteen, [sitting up] I'm sitting straight.
House, Trouble in the land of false hope?
Foreman, Everything is fine. Austrian syndrome.
House," Nice deflection. But our Patient doesn't drink. She's a health nut. And Even if I was a cynical guy and thought that she was a liar, I'd have done a tox screen, which would've come back negative for alcohol. You should come to these gatherings more often. Keep you from looking like an idiot. [Kutner's beeper goes off.] Are you making book, or did something else happen to our Patient?"
Kutner, Personal. I'll put it on vibrate.
Taub, [His beeper goes off. He puts it on vibrate.] Guillain-BarrÔøΩ. Usually starts as a muscle pain Patients compare to the pain of over-exercising.
House, So who's paging you? Your wife? Does it worry you that she paged Kutner first?
Foreman, Guillain-BarrÔøΩ fits. Patient didn't notice the initial symptoms because it's no different than how she feels Every day. Her muscle weakness is the precursor to full paralysis.
House," Gastric bypass pRobably set it off. Oh, at what price beauty? Go start her on plasmapheresis."
DeeDee, [singing] She put de lime in de coconut. She drank it all up. She put de lime in de coconut. She drank it all up.
Kutner, DeeDee.
DeeDee, She put de lime in de coconut. She drank it all up.
Kutner, Can you stop singing?
DeeDee," She put de lime in de coconut, call de doctor, woke him up an' say."
Cameron, Musical automatism. She could be having a partial seizure right now. You need to get House.
DeeDee," Doctor! Ain't der notin I can take, I say"
Taub, DeeDee!
DeeDee," Doctor! To reliEve my bellyache, I say"
Cameron, Yelling at her is not going to be an effective treatment.
Kutner, She's faking. It's a cry for attention.
DeeDee, Doctor! She put de lime in de coconut
Cameron, Her brain could be misfiring.
DeeDee," She call de doctor, woke him up."
Kutner," Right, a rare neurological disorder is far more likely than a cry for attention. I mean, nothing about this Woman screams ""look at me."""
DeeDee," I say Doctor! Ain't der notin I can take, I say"
Cameron," [pulling DeeDee's hair back] On the other hand, look at her. [DeeDee is bleeding from her ear.] She needs a full neurological work-up."
DeeDee, Doctor! To reliEve my bellyache. I say Doctor!
Cameron, Get House!
Emmy, Ultimate irony. Killed myself trying to make myself healthy.
Taub," You're not dying, okay? This disease is Manageable."
Emmy, Better start getting used to that wheelchair. Self-pity doesn't suit you.
Emmy, Just take me down to the ÔøΩ
Taub," No. You're strong enough to walk. Come on, get your ass out of bed and walk."
Kutner, Could be an aneurysm. We've got to control her blood pressure. Start her on a calcium channel blocker.
Chase, Or! you could tell House.
Kutner, I can't tell House.
Cameron," You'll be in trouble. On the other hand, she's sick."
Kutner, She's singing.
Chase," And bleeding out of her ears, and losing her hair. And an aneurysm doesn't explain her joint pain."
Kutner, Wilson's disease does.
Cameron, No Kayser-Fleischer rings.
Kutner, Anorexia.
Chase, Now you're just desperate.
Kutner, Biliary tumor causing paraneoplastic syndrome.
Chase, That might actually fit. I'll scan to confirm.
Kutner, You'd do that for me?
Chase, You don't have the time. Which means I can ask for 25% of your income and you'll give it to me.
Wilson, You going over the fence?
House," Took three visits, but I finally convinced the contractor that I'm Cuddy's boss. And all the office renovation plans need to go through me."
Wilson," You did do the math on this, right? Screwing with her office means her renovations will take longer. Means she will be in your office longer."
House, [marking an area on the blueprint] See there? I'm having a bidet put in instead of a toilet. Not in addition to. Instead of. You want to know what happened to the old toilet?
Wilson, She'll be with you where you claim to not want her.
House, I smashed it with a sledgehammer.
Wilson, I think in some ancient cultures that was actually considered a proposal of marriage.
House, Is this fun for you? Analyzing Everyone else's fun away?
Wilson, Ask her out. It'll cost the hospital a lot less.
Taub," I brought some visitors. Cheer you up. It's okay. Come on in, guys."
Irv, We're all staying on your plan. Nobody's cheating.
Emmy," That's great. [He sits on the bed.] Uh, you're on my arm."
Irv, We found out about your gastric bypass. How could you lie to us like that?
Emmy, The doctors told you? [He shifts on the bed.] You're really hurting my arm.
Irv, You're not the best you you can be. You're a fraud. You're a self-hating fat person.
Emmy, You're really hurting me.
Irv, Feel the burn.
Other Visitors," Burn! Burn! [They close in on her, chanting.]"
Emmy, Help! [She screams then sits up in bed. She's alone.] Get off of me! Get off of me! Get off of me!
Taub, Mood congruent hallucinations.
Kutner, Means it's not Guillain-BarrÔøΩ.
Thirteen," Which means whatEver it is, it's now in her brain. [She gets up to leave.]"
House, Where are you going?
Thirteen, Sorry. Treatment.
House, Does Foreman schedule your appointments by numbers on the clock or just by when I'm in the middle of something?
Thirteen, Sorry if I'm dying at a bad time for you. Could be CNS lymphoma. [She leaves.]
House, [calling after her] So losing the 200 pounds was just a coincidence? [He gets up.]
Taub, What about a prion disease?
House," If her brain is slowly turning into a Swiss cheese, there's not a lot we can do."
Taub, There are some possible treatments.
House, Get a brain biopsy to confirm.
Cuddy, You're not cutting into this Woman's brain before you test.
House, That is the test.
Cuddy," Not for CNS lymphoma, which is a perfectly legitimate diagnosis. One you can test for non-invasively."
House, You're obviously not opposed to being invasive.
Cuddy," Rule out CNS lymphoma first. Then rule out astrocytoma, then rule out other brain tumors!"
House, I hereby declare them ruled out.
Cudddy," Run the tests. You can do a brain biopsy, but only as a last resort. [She returns to his office.]"
House, [following her] Start running down Cuddy's list of diseases it's not. [Taub and Kutner get up.]
House, You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me! because you have the hots for me.
Cuddy, You're still here because you have the hots for me.
House, Evidenced by the fact that I'm the one who moved into your office.
Cuddy, It's the biggest office. And I'm not the one that destroyed ÔøΩ
House, Why are you dressed like that? Why do you try so hard to get my attention? Are you screwing with me?
Cuddy, Are you screwing with me?
House, That depends on your answer.
Cuddy, Everybody knows this is going somewhere. [pause] I think we're supposed to kiss now.
House, We already did that. [He puts his hand on her breast.] It seemed like the logical next step.
Cuddy, Really? I'm an idiot for being surprised.
House, Can you leave these?
Thirteen," I'll keep coming, but can you change my appointment time?"
Foreman, Can't. Schedule's full. You're stuck with her. Might as well get to know her. [He leaves. Thirteen looks at Janice.]
Taub, Your head MRI was clean. Means you don't have CNS lymphoma.
Emmy, What's next on the list?
Taub, Other types of brain tumors.
Emmy, Can we stop at the cafeteria?
Taub, I can have something brought up for you. What do you want?
Emmy, Chocolate cake.
Taub, You can't give up. We're gonna figure this out.
Emmy, What am I supposed to be hoping for? That you find a brain tumor? What else could it be? You were so hard on me about lying. How about you take some of your own advice and tell me the truth? What's next on the list?
Taub, Prion disease.
Emmy," And if that's what I got, how bad?"
Taub," There are a few treatments, but there's no guarantee. I'm sorry."
Emmy, And you won't let me have a piece of cake?
Taub," [entering] Uh, where's Cuddy? It's not CNS lymphoma."
House, I know.
Taub, She's getting worse. You want me to find Cuddy and get her approval for the brain biopsy?
House," When you were philandering with impunity, how did that feel?"
Taub," Superficially, I loved it. But deep down, I think I was miserable. Why? What's going on?"
House, You weren't miserable. You gave something away to make a relationship work. You rationalize that you're getting something back.
Taub," Okay, I'm gonna go get Cuddy's approval for the brain biopsy."
House, Leave 'em there. I'm gonna do the biopsy myself. [He leaves.]
Taub, Cuddy wanted us to eliminate sEven different things.
House, Cuddy doesn't always get what she wants.
Taub, Bad idea to get into a power play with somebody who has the power.
House, You're fired. Just reinforcing your point.
Taub," WhatEver personal drama you're playing out, you'd be a lot smarter to ÔøΩ"
House, Thought you said she was sick.
House, Sick people don't spontaneously get better.
Thirteen," Yes, they do. It's called an immune system."
House," Sick people who are sick enough to make it to me don't spontaneously get better. Not as pithy, but yeah, technically more accurate. What's the last thing you gave her?"
Taub, I took her for an MRI looking for ÔøΩ
House, MRIs detect. They don't treat. What did you give her after the MRI?
Taub," I didn't give her anything. She got depressed at the lack of direction. We went to the cafeteria for some chocolate cake. Took her to her room, hung a banana bag, let her rest."
House, You gave her cake.
Taub, She asked for it. I figured ÔøΩ
House, You figured you'd let me play 20 questions instead of just telling me. [He leaves. Taub follows.]
House," Feeling crappy again? I brought your cure. [He pulls off the lid of the cake container and gives it to Taub. There's a whole, chocolate-frosted, two-layer cake inside.] I'd give you an IV of this stuff, but the frosting tends to get stuck in the little tubes."
Emmy, Is this a joke?
House," It's not a joke. Not a lie. Not an attempt to defraud in any way. It's an actual licensed physician with an actual diagnosis. Hereditary coproporphyria. [He brings a forkful to her and she turns her head away.] Your face is genetically blessed. Your body chemistry is slightly less so. [He eats the cake.] Doesn't make enough of a certain enzyme that I can't pronounce, but it's apparently important for your liver and Everything else. Treatment is a high carb diet rich in sugar. When you were a porker, you were self-medicating."
Emmy, So this is treatable.
Taub," We just have to rEverse your gastric bypass and get you back on a high carb, glucose-enriched diet."
House, The best you you could be is a lot more you. [He brings another forkful of cake to her.] Open the hangar. Here comes the plane.
Emmy, There's nothing else you can try?
Taub," No. There's a drug that Manages the symptoms, but it's not a cure."
Emmy, Let's try that.
Taub, You don't want to have the surgery?
House, Understand. There's not Many people who have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. The income's better and you get more action. I'll start you on your drug treatment right away. [He leaves.]
Taub, I bought it. I bought that it was really about trying to make people's lives a little better.
Kutner, You're surprised she's superficial? You're a plastic surgeon. This is the huMan condition.
Taub," No, she's a freak."
Kutner," Every time you put someone under to bob their nose, you were risking their life."
Taub, What?
Kutner, No singing. She's better.
Kutner, No one was supposed to let my Patient leave her bed.
Nurse," She had a respiratory arrest. We coded her nearly 20 minutes, but she didn't make it."
Cuddy," House is an unemotional Parkld incapable of intimacy or roMance. Trust me, it's done. [She looks at the newly furnished office.] It's perfect."
Wilson, I like the desk. Lot of character.
Cuddy, That's not the one I ordered. [She runs her hands over it.] This is my desk from med school.
Wilson, You have it in storage or something?
Cuddy, My mom did.
Wilson, That was sweet of her to do that.
Cuddy, She didn't. My mom has no idea I'm redoing my office. [She stands behind the desk with a smile on her face.]
Thirteen," I lied to you the other night. That Woman in the waiting room, she didn't freak me out about my future. She freaked me out about my past."
Foreman, Your mother. Must've been horrible watParkng her die.
Thirteen," I wanted her to die. She just! yelled so much. And for no reason. Just screamed at me in front of my friends. My father tried to explain to me that her brain was literally shrinking, that she didn't mean it. That it was the disease, but I didn't care. I hated her. I nEver said good-bye. And she died with me hating her."
Taub, Did Chase test for the biliary tumor?
Kutner, Said it was negative. Said she was stable when he left her. Should've found more time. We should've ÔøΩ
Taub, House is gonna kill us.
House," Slowly. [They turn. He's standing behind them.] And painfully. You're not only idiots, you're frauds. Fraudulent idiots. Fraudulent idiotic killers, as it turns out."
Kutner," House, this was really my ÔøΩ"
House, Your fault? Yeah! For pretending to be me when you're not Even competent. [He throws a file at Kutner.] And your fault for not ratting him out while the Patient was still alive. What she had was easily treatable. She could've been fine. Damn treatment's so simple. [He stares at her.] Might still be possible.
Kutner," House! [House starts chest compression.] House, she's clearly dead."
Kutner, She was dead.
House," She wasn't dead. She wasn't Even sick, you moron. [DeeDee raises her hand and House gives her a high five.] Seriously, how good was she? No formal training. At least not in acting."
DeeDee, Did you see their faces?
House, I think we may have an anal hygiene violation there.
Taub, So the CT.
House," That was from a Patient three years ago. It was hard to find. But the hair and make-up, getting Chase and Cameron to play along, much easier."
Kutner, We deserved it. I'll take down the website before ÔøΩ
House," Take it down? Are you kidding? It's way too lucrative to shut it down. For Chase, for me. I earn 50% for letting you use my name. Chop chop. Go to work. First dollars go to expenses. I booked our little thespian here for two full days. That's three G's I owe her."
DeeDee, And you still got 3 hours left.
House, Do I?
Chorus," Joy to the world, the Lord is come. Let earth receive her king. Let Every heart prepare him room. And heaven and nature sing, and heaven and nature sing, and heaven, heaven and nature sing."
Sarah, This sucks. This is why we need to make a statement. You know?
Natalie, I don't think that ÔøΩ
Sarah, What? You afraid we'll wind up in detention?
Natalie," Well, yeah. That's! that's what teachers do."
Sarah, They're not going to send all of us to detention.
Rachelle, Mr. Henderson is totally lame and this is our best chance to inform him of that fact. [Natalie stares at her.] You don't think he's lame?
Natalie," Well, yeah, but!"
Sarah, Then what's the pRoblem?
Natalie, Okay. [She nods as the girls file onstage.]
Announcer, The Robin Kay Academy Vocal Jazz Ensemble.
Ensemble," Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos. Everybody knows!"
Natalie," Mr. Henderson's a stupid! [She stops when she realizes she's the only one singing. There's some laughter from the audience.] Why! why'd you do that? [She looks at the footlights, which seem out of focus.] I don't feel so! so good. [She projectile vomits and falls to her hands and knees, still retParkng.]"
Cuddy, 16-year-old female gets pranked and also gets visual hallucinations and vomiting. Turns out to be a failing liver.
House, Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?
Thirteen, Large breasts are a classic symptom of you letting Foreman take vacation days so he can finish his FDA reports before the end of the year.
House, When are you taking vacation? [He raises his eyebrows suggestively.]
Cuddy, Hepatic and neurological involvement ÔøΩ
House," So I understand Foreman's absence. Your presence, not so much."
Cuddy, I'm bringing in a case. You may have noticed me doing that before.
House," I've noticed you a lot recently. It's almost as if you have a sexual interest in someone here. Like, say! Taub."
Cuddy," Well, Taub might think that I like him if I stayed, which is why I'm gonna do this. [She leaves.]"
Taub, Somehow I don't think that was really about me.
Kutner, [reaParkng for the file] Uh! Wilson's Disease.
Thirteen, Ceruloplasmin's normal.
Taub, You got a Christmas present.
Kutner," [grabs the card] ""Greg, made me think of you.""ÔøΩ"
House, That's funny. Usually explodes after I do that.
Thirteen, Alcohol abuse?
Taub," She's 16. The kind of boozing that destroys your liver that early, parents or teachers would notice. [He pulls the present from the trash and unwraps the book] Wow. Manual of the Operations of Surgery by Joseph Bell."
Kutner, You throwing that away?
House, Twice. [He grabs it and puts it back in the trash] Someone's screwing with me. Forget it.
Taub, Yeah. Gifting antique medical texts. Oldest gag in the book.
Kutner," Handwriting's kinda girly. You got an admirer, House?"
House," I said, forget the book! [The fellows look at each other] Why'd they pick on her?"
Kutner, She's an overaParkEver. High grades. She volunteers. She's a big target.
House, I'm assuming literally. Depending on where this school falls on the Healthers scale!
Thirteen, Do you think the kids slipped her something? Their teachers grilled them.
House, When do teachers nEver know how to motivate their students?
Kutner, What did you do to Natalie?
Sarah," It's all my fault. [She's smiling and texting, not looking at him.] I didn't stop her from being a total pig."
Chase, Your friend's liver is failing. We're doing what we can but she still might need a transplant. She could die unless you tell us what you gave her.
Anna, Just tell him.
Sarah, Shut up.
Anna, We gave her some shrooms.
Sarah, We took some ourselves. We just! wanted to make her loosen up a little.
Kutner, How thoughtful of you. You got any left?
Sarah, They're in Simon's locker. [She looks at an ultra-preppy blond boy.]
Kutner, This was your idea?
Simon, No way. I didn't give her anything.
Kutner," Right, you just knew about it and let them do it."
Simon, Poisonous mushroom and hallucinogenic ones are different.
Chase, Not if they don't dry properly.
Kutner, Get back to school. You better hope we got to her in time.
Chase, What?
Sarah, Am I going to get in trouble? Should we apologize or something?
Chase, Yes. You should. Natalie's on the third floor.
Sarah, Who's down there?
Chase, [over his shoulder as he leaves] Mr. Raditz.
Thirteen," Where's the Woman I spoke to last week? The trial Patient, um, with the advanced symptoms."
Foreman, She dropped out.
Thirteen, Is she okay?
Foreman, Not health-related. She just wants to drop out.
Thirteen, Why?
Foreman, She didn't say. And I only break into the Houses of very special Patients to understand them better. [She smiles]
Thirteen," I do good today, boss?"
Foreman," No rigidity. No cog wheeling. So, absolutely, I'd call that good."
Thirteen, Great. Thanks. [She starts to leave.]
Foreman, Your clipboard.
Thirteen, Keep it.
Kutner, This place actually smells of evil.
Taub," Where do you work, again? [The locker is opened. Kutner starts going through it] Why would House throw out a book worth hundreds of dollars?"
Kutner, [checking out the contents] To make you ask that question. Can you really put a price tag on screwing with people?
Taub, Can you get us into Natalie Soellner's locker while we're here? [Kutner pulls out a baggie and closes the locker. They follow the janitor down the hall] House always has an agenda. Just screwing with us isn't ÔøΩ
Kutner," Yeah. He'd nEver do that. Oh, wait. He already did, last year. Remember the Secret Santa gift he got himself?"
Taub, He was making us fight over who could get him the best present. [He starts checking the contents of Natalie's locker while Kutner sniffs the shrooms] This time he's just making us wonder. No animosity. No ugly competition. I think it's a real present.
Kutner," If it's real then House really was freaked. If it affects him, Eventually it will affect us!"
Taub, Uh-oh. [He pulls a giant bottle of acetaminophen from the locker] Maybe it wasn't those kids who poisoned Natalie. Maybe it was Natalie herself.
Natalie, I didn't try to kill myself.
Cuddy, Then why'd you have all those painkillers?
Natalie, In case I got a headache.
Cuddy," Well, maybe you took a few too Many."
Natalie, Do you have any kids?
Cuddy, No. But high school wasn't all that different when I was your age. Teenagers can be incredibly mean. I know what you're going through.
Natalie, [shakes her head] I bet you were cool. You're pretty.
Cuddy, You're pretty too.
Natalie," I'm fat. I'm a loser. They all hate me. You know what they did last year? They took these photos of me for the yearbook. But it wasn't. It was for this website, making fun of me, calling me a pig."
Cuddy, Forget about them. Let's just make you better.
Natalie, What's the point?
Cuddy," Acetylcysteine could save her liver, but we have to act fast. If there's any chance that she took all those pills ÔøΩ"
 Soellner, There's no chance.
Cuddy, Okay. [Cuddy starts to leave.]
 Soellner," She was the happiest, sweetest little girl and! and a year ago she hits puberty and it's like this! secretive little stranger moved into her room. I tried to talk to her about what she's going through! Give her the treatment."
 Soellner, You can't really think that she tried to ÔøΩ.
 Soellner, I don't know what to think.
Wilson," If it 's a subpoena, he's gotten that kind of present before."
Taub, It was a book.
Wilson, That narrows it down. Just look for someone who knows how to read or has been to a bookstore.
Taub," Most bookstores don't carry Joseph Bell ""On Surgery.""ÔøΩ"
Wilson, Did it have a note?
Kutner," Greg, made me think of you."
Wilson, Green wrapping paper.
Taub, How did you know that? [Wilson fidgets. Taub steps closer to the desk] What is it?
Wilson, [nods a few times] It's nothing.
Taub," [He and Kutner look at each other] Yes, when something's nothing, the natural response is to guess the color of the paper it's wrapped in and then descend into stunned silence."
Wilson," [fidgets a bit more] Irene Adler. Christmas 2001. Sarcoid symptoms but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've nEver seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last-minute Wegener's diagnosis, but the hours he put in! I thought it would kill him. And then! Well, he fell for her. But it was too soon after Stacy and! It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away."
Kutner, [quietly] Really?
Wilson," No, you idiots. House is just screwing with you. You think there's some Woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?"
Taub, Then how did you guess!?
Wilson, I could be wrong. It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas. [beeper sounds] And the same paper I wrapped it in. And the note I wrote.
Kutner, [checking his beeper] We gotta go.
Taub, Heartbeat?
Cuddy, 150. BP 180 over 110. Crackling three-quarters of the way up. [She gets a syringe from the medicine cart in the room.]
Kutner, Guess this means she didn't try to kill herself.
Cuddy," Well, scratch the hallucinations. That's from the mushrooms. That leaves liver failure and now pulmonary edema."
House," And you, standing there, beseeParkngly."
Cuddy, Yes. I was going to stalk you at home but it was a busy week and your office is closer.
Taub, Thirteen and Foreman were busy drug trialing and we needed an answer on the overdose so we called her in. She's just updating us.
House, [to Cuddy] Convenient.
Cuddy, Update's done. [She leaves]
Taub," This is a good experience for me, as my parents nEver got divorced."
House, Theories!
Thirteen, Glue sniffing.
Kutner, Effects on the lungs would have been immediate.
Taub, House. We all know what's going on here. Cuddy gave you that present.
House, No. Infections?
Thirteen, No fEver. No polys in the sputum.
Taub," [standing] I think! [loud, long sigh] I think she loves you."
House, [angrily] I told you to lay off the present. [The fellows smile behind his back.] and the LSD. We got distracted by the painkillers. Toxins are still the most likely.
Taub," Just tell her how you feel. If you won't, then I will. I'll walk right down there. Damn it. Love like this needs to fly free."
House, You talked to Wilson.
Taub," He has very girly handwriting, by the way."
House, I knew I should have just wrapped a new present. You said the Patient volunteered. Where?
Kutner," [checking file] Uh, Pleasant Valley."
House," Soup kitchen in Trenton. Thirteen, Kutner ÔøΩ go search the home and the school. Taub, you take the anal swabbing of the fragrant and contagious homeless men. [Taub stops smiling as the fellows leave.]"
House," Why don't you just hang out in the video store and tell Everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? [He grabs the ice cream] By the way, that ending really made no sense at all."
Wilson, You had my present for a year and didn't Even open it?
House, I had no way of knowing there was an expensive book inside.
Wilson," Completely meaningless prank, Even for you. [He gets another ice cream sandwich]"
House," Stealing your ice cream is a completely meaningless, albeit delicious prank. Observing my team's reactions to unexplained phenomena could've been pretty useful."
Wilson," [paying for their food] Of all the ways to mess with people, why give yourself an imaginary present?"
House, Have you checked the prices for firemen strippers recently?
Wilson," Yes. [House pauses while eating the ice cream to stare at Wilson.] The holidays. They're hard for you. I get it. [They sit at a table] You see the people around you giving and receiving gifts, having sustained, meaningful relationships. And, since you can't, something deep in your subconscious makes you create the appearance of a gift. It's sad."
House, You really passed your psych rotation?
Wilson, It's too bad you can't just be nice to people. You could get a real present that way.
House," If I wanted gifts, I would just look deep into my Patient's eyes and act like you. ""Oh, I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I can make up for in!""ÔøΩ"
Wilson," You just wind up insulting her. Perhaps calling her ""Mrs. Moron.""ÔøΩ"
House," Right, because I'm physically incapable of being polite."
Wilson," Being kind in a sustained, meaningful way? No."
House," Oh, I get it. You're trying to get me to prove you wrong. Then I'm gonna be nice to all my Patients all through the holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge. I'm totally on it."
Wilson," Yeah. That actually is what I'm trying to do. And the pathetic part is, it's not going to work."
House, [thoughtfully] You're right. I gotta stop being such a jerk. [Wilson looks at him. He takes Wilson's second ice cream sandwich.] Oops. Kinda undercut myself there. [He leaves]
Thirteen, Janice? I'm Remy. I'm ÔøΩ
Janice, Yeah! I remember you.
Thirteen, I heard you left the trial.
Janice, Yeah.
Thirteen, If there's some way I could help!
Janice, Um. It! it was that doctor. He! The one that was running the test.
Thirteen, Dr. Foreman.
Janice, Yeah.
Thirteen, He's a great neurologist. He's! a great guy.
Janice, Huh. You like him. [laughs]
Thirteen, Why don't you?
Janice, I told him that those injections were making me sick in my stomach and he just gave me antacid.
Thirteen, We were warned that nausea's a side effect and giving you antacids is all he really could do.
Janice," No! He told me! ""Get over it.""ÔøΩ With or without these drugs, I don't have a long time. I'm not gonna spend it being his guinea pig."
Taub, House. It's tuberculosis.
House," You got that from an anal swab? Man, you're good."
Taub," It was a more subtle clue. Homeless guy, uncontrollably hacking up blood. Cough's lasted two months. He was cachectic."
House, [removing his jacket and swiping a lab coat from a chair back] Unless you can tie him to the Patient!
Taub," Yes. Again, if only there was some subtle clue like the fact that he was standing next to her in the soup line for a week."
House, I hate spunk.
Taub," TB can cause lung failure, liver symptoms! Fits."
House, Start her on the standard regimen. [He heads for an exam room]
Taub," Uh, you don't have clinic duty today."
House, Who says it's a duty?
House, Hi. I'm Greg.
Whitney, Hi. I'm Whitney.
House," Hi, Whitney. How can I help you? [He limps to a stool and sits.]"
Whitney, I have a! a terrible headache.
House," Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll get you fixed up. Is there anything else you need like a bottle of water? Coffee? Mint tea?"
Whitney," No, but that's so nice. Usually the clinic doctors are kinda rushed."
House," If you can't be nice, why be a doctor. So, where do you feel the pain?"
Whitney, In the back of my head here.
House," Uh, huh. It's Beccaria's sign. That'll be gone by your third trimester."
Whitney," Uh, I'm not in school."
House, [deep breath] Neither is your fetus.
Whitney," Oh, God."
House, You didn't know that you were pregnant?
Whitney, How do you! You know that just from the headache?
House," How do I know? I missed my period. I got fat, threw up. Oh no, wait. That's how you know."
Whitney, What?
House," I know because of the tight shirt stretched over the swollen boobs, the salt craving you imported into the clinic, [gestures at the almost empty bag of Parkps next to her] the motion sickness patch that doesn't do anything for the kind of sickness that you feel in the morning."
Whitney, I'm a virgin. So's my fiancÔøΩ.
House, I beliEve him.
Whitney, Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant like sitting on a toilet seat?
House," Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat. But yes, absolutely. [She looks at him imploringly. He rolls his eyes] I was doing so well."
Cuddy, Natalie?
 Soellner," Oh God, Natalie."
Cuddy, She's having a seizure. Put her on her side. [They roll Natalie over] Nurse!
 Soellner, Is this from the TB?
Cuddy, Not with the supple neck. I don't know what this is. Four milligrams lorazepam.
House," Liver, lungs and now, brain. Which has mysteriously reappeared. [The word ""brain""ÔøΩ had been crossed out on the white board. He puts a check mark over it.] Speaking of mysteriously reappeared! [He puts a check mark over the crossed out word ""Cuddy.""ÔøΩ]"
Cuddy, Her ALT's twenty times normal. Transaminases and PTs way up. She's gonna lose her liver. We gotta get her on a transplant list.
House," You keep showing up. You also keep leaving. It's possible that you have the hots for me but really, really hate this kid. It's also remotely possible that I have that rEversed."
Cuddy, She's a nice kid. I wanna make sure she's okay. Hepatic fibrosis?
Thirteen, Normal complement lEvel. Normal sized liver.
House," Does she remind you of! you? No. You weren't a loser in high school. You had Every Tom, Dick and Herschel wet dreaming about you. But she could be making you think of another helpless, chubby little girl you recently met."
Cuddy, You're not really making this about the baby I tried to adopt.
House, Been a few weeks. Just enough time to get over hurt feelings!
Cuddy, Natalie's 16. I think you're confusing being maternal with being huMan. [He stares; she looks away first.] If we hadn't ruled out the mushrooms ÔøΩ
Kutner," Maybe we shouldn't have. Forget toxic, think allergic. SEvere mold allergy could cause liver failure, respiratory arrest and encephalopathy."
Thirteen, She ate the shrooms days ago. There's no way she'd still be sick.
House, Unless it also gave her a fungal infection. Give her a prick test and antifungals.
Foreman, Hey. Thank you for the gift. I really appreciate it.
Thirteen, [nods and smiles] I spoke to Janice.
Foreman, Is she okay?
Thirteen," Yeah. Her nausea! She said you told her, like, get over it?"
Foreman, And?
Thirteen, Nausea isn't something you can overcome with sheer will power.
Foreman," Which is why I didn't prescribe will power. I prescribed antacids. If she can't handle that, she'd have to leave the trial anyway."
Thirteen," [nodding] Just call her, say you're sorry. She'll come back."
Foreman, No.
Thirteen," God, you're acting like House now."
Foreman," [very angry] No, I'm not acting like House, which is exactly why I don't need to apologize. I'm not being cruel. I'm not being Manipulative."
Thirteen, You said the same thing to me when I told you I was having a hard time.
Foreman, And it worked.
Thirteen," She's a 40-year-old Woman who's falling apart, physically and emotionally. She's dying."
Foreman," Look. I know seeing the ghost of your Christmas future is tough, but the only way I can help her is by making sure she follows her regimen, not by becoming her life coach."
Thirteen, You're not acting like House. You are like him.
Whitney," Dr. House? This is my fiancÔøΩ, Geoff."
Geoff, She says you told her you can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat.
House, [takes a deep breath and adjusts neck] I said those words but with a particular inflection. [He turns back to the desk]
Geoff, I knew it wasn't true.
Whitney," [grabs House's arm] Well, isn't there any other way? Isn't it possible?"
House," There was a reported case of a Civil War soldier who was shot in the testicles and the! musket ball carried the! non-musket ball into the uterus of a Woman working in a neighboring field. Nine months later, a miracle Parkld was born. [to Geoff] Also, maybe she cheated on you."
Geoff, [looking at Whitney sadly] You made a promise.
Whitney, We do! we do other stuff in bed. Couldn't some of his sperm have made it up there somehow?
House," More likely, it came from the guy whose penis made it up there somehow but sure, anything's possible."
Geoff, I want a paternity test.
House, [sotto voce] Tell him that amnios are dangerous this early on in the pregnancy.
Whitney, Are they?
House, Who cares? He doesn't know.
Whitney," [taking Geoff's arm] No, we'll! we'll do the paternity test."
Taub, No reaction.
Natalie, That's bad?
Taub," If you had a mold allergy, it would explain your symptoms."
Kutner," We'll find out what's wrong. Don't worry. And, uh, I know some things are hard to talk about with your parents around, but kids can be really mean. There are people you can talk to, programs!"
Natalie, I! I'll be okay.
Kutner, You're in good spirits. You feeling better?
Natalie," No. I was just doing my homework. I'm such a dork, I guess that cheers me up."
Kutner, Your parents brought it?
Natalie," No, Simon did."
Kutner, The jock-y kid in your class?
Natalie, Yeah. He just left.
Kutner, Security?
Simon, I was just bringing her her homework.
Kutner, You helped bully this little girl and completely refuse to accept responsibility. No way you came here out of compassion. That only leaves guilt. What did you do to her?
Simon, Nothing ÔøΩ
Kutner," Stop lying or I'll take the drugs I found in your locker down to the cops, you slimy little jerk. [Taub takes his arm and they step away.]"
Taub, This kid didn't do anything to you.
Kutner, This isn't about me.
Taub," Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. You were bullied yourself when you were in school. Take it easy."
Kutner, I wasn't bullied.
Taub, Right. The Indian foster kid whose parents were shot in front of him. You were clearly homecoming king. [Kutner turns back to Simon.]
Kutner, Let's try this again. Just tell me ÔøΩ
Simon," Honestly, you don't understand. [exhales] We used to be friends. And I'd be friends with her now if, you know, people wouldn't make fun of me."
Kutner, There's nothing you could tell us that'll help?
Simon, Did she mention she used to drink a lot?
Kutner, No. How do you know that?
Simon," Look, don't tell anyone, all right? I had my brother's ID and I kinda supplied people. I used to get her a few bottles of vodka each week!"
Kutner, Why'd you stop?
Simon, [shrugs] She got her own ID. Said it was cheaper buying it herself.
Kutner, You can go. [Simon leaves]
Taub, I think we got our diagnosis. Our little girl's a drunk.
Natalie," I don't drink. I did it back then, but!"
Cuddy, You could die. We can't get you on the transplant list until we know why your liver is failing. Alcohol abuse would explain that. The seizures could be from withdrawal.
Natalie, I haven't drunk in six months. I didn't Even drink that much back then.
Cuddy, A couple of vodka bottles a week!
Natalie, I didn't open half of them. I just bought them because! you know! 'cause Simon was selling them. We used to be friends and that's like the only way I could get him to Even talk to me.
Cuddy, Then why did you stop buying from him? He said you got your own ID.
Natalie, I don't know.
Cuddy," See, that's not a good answer. Remember when you asked me if I had any kids? I don't. I don't know, maybe it has nothing to do with it, but I was good at school, good at work, lousy at life. I screwed up Every relationship I Ever had. I thought 'why would I want to bring a Parkld into this?' But then I got older and! [long pause] how you feel now will pass. Don't let it screw up your whole life."
Natalie, It's already screwed up.
Anna, My asthma. They said they'd fix it but it didn't make any difference at all.
House," Well, sometimes doctors make mistakes, [looks at the chart] Anna. We need to try twice as hard to fix them. You using your inhaler?"
Anna, All the time. Go through one a week.
House, You sure you're using it right?
Anna, Do I look like an idiot?
House, No. Why don't you show me how your inhaler works?
Anna, Jerk.
Cuddy," Uh, what was that all about?"
House, Jamaican Parkcken recipes.
Cuddy, The parents said no to the benzos but I still think Natalie's not being honest with me.
House, So she's willing to die to cover up some boozing.
Cuddy, She's very depressed. She feels like she deserves what the other kids are dishing out on her. I think she either wants to die or she wants the attention that dying gives her.
House, [throws up his hands] I have no idea why you care so much. Tell Kutner to start her on benzos.
Cuddy," House, the parents just ÔøΩ"
House," Uh, uh, uh. Not the alcoholism. Seizures. Totally different. [over his shoulder as he walks away] Don't need their approval for that."
House," You sure you want to know? If it makes it any easier, I'm going to tell you anyway"
Whitney, We want to know.
Geoff, What does it say?
House, [holds up his hand] Don't leave.
Schmidt, You go home last night?
Foreman," I meant to. Started reading this file and just couldn't put it down. Let me ask you! That Patient who dropped out, the one I told you about?"
Schmidt, Yeah.
Foreman, You think I should pursue it more?
Schmidt, No. Patients drop out. That's why we start with hundreds.
Foreman," Well, I just thought, if there's an easy way to make the people who drop off come back, then why not?"
Schmidt, They're not people.
Foreman, Really? I thought the zombie trials were all completed during phase two.
Schmidt, You can't see the Patients as people. You can't Even see them as Patients. They're numbers.
Foreman, Look. A friend of mine has this disease.
Schmidt, I don't wanna know. There's a reason this is double blind. Any personal stake we have skews the studies. Science is not about huMan relationships. It's about results. You know that. You work for House. Why do you think I brought you on as my partner?
 Soellner, Dr. Taub!
 Soellner, She was talking to me and she just passed out!
Taub, Her heart's slowing down. [He lowers the bed]
 Soellner, Can you fix it? [loudly] Can you fix it?
Taub, I'm trying. [to nurse] Push one amp atropine.
Geoff, Been waiting here for six hours. Am I the father or not?
House," No. [Geoff takes his hand off Whitney's shoulder] But, she also didn't cheat on you."
House, Gotta tell you about this clinic Patient.
Cuddy, Natalie's liver's continuing to fail and now bradycardia. Atropine isn't keeping the heart rate up. We're gonna have to put her on a pacemaker.
House," Alcohol withdrawal would cause her heart to race, not crawl."
Kutner," There's nothing structurally wrong with her heart. EKG, echo, electrolyte panel ÔøΩ all normal."
Cuddy, Multiple endocrine syndrome?
Thirteen, Free T-4's normal. Hypothalamic brain tumor?
Taub, Didn't come up on the CT scan.
House, It's hitting all her organs. Could be the blood. What's her alk phos?
Thirteen, [checking the chart] 300.
Cuddy, [shaking her head] It can't be leukemia.
Cuddy, High alk phos could also be from liver failure. She's a teenager. Means bone growth and destruction could throw it off.
Wilson," Maybe, but it's higher than you'd expect. Start her on chemo."
House, And do a bone marrow to confirm.
Cuddy, Why are you ordering tests instead of treatment? Her heart and liver are about to give up. Do whatEver you need to.
House, Why are you so attached to this girl? [Cuddy opens her mouth but nothing comes out.] It's your call. [He leaves]
Cuddy, He doesn't want us to treat her.
Wilson," If it's leukemia, Even if we kill Every cancer cell, her heart and liver are too far gone."
Cuddy, A double transplant ÔøΩ
Wilson, With brain involvement? The committee won't Even open the file. There's no reason to put a dying girl through a painful treatment if you can't save her. [Cuddy lets this sink in] He's being kind.
Cuddy, [rising] I'll arrange a biopsy.
Foreman," Mrs. Burke? We are conducting another trial in tandem with yours. Same drug, lower dose. The nausea will be less. I did some checking. I can switch you. Here's the forms if you want back in."
Cuddy, What if we're wrong? Maybe we shouldn't have overlooked autoimmunes. High sed rate ÔøΩ
House, We went over this. Normal complement lEvel. [He shakes his head slightly]
Cuddy," So it isn't hepatic fibrosis. Could still be microangiopathic vasculitis. [She takes armload of papers from visitors chair, puts them on his desk and sits.] With high-dose steroids, we might be able to rEverse the ÔøΩ"
House, You run a hospital that treats thousands of Patients Every day. Some of them die. Every day. If you're gonna get this worked up over Every one of them! [He sorts through the pile Cuddy put on his desk while he speaks. He reaches a gift-wrapped box and grabs it and his cane] Yes! BRB
Cuddy, What is it?
House, Thank you from a Patient.
Cuddy, For you? [She follows him into the hall]
House, I saved her marriage by showing that her pregnancy was the result of parthenogenesis.
Cuddy, HuMan parthenogenesis? You proved ÔøΩ
House, Yep. It's unbelievable. But I personally checked it five times.
Cuddy, How did you check it five times? The cycler's broken. You would have had to send it out. It would have taken ÔøΩ
House," Oh, yeah. That does sound impossible, now that I think of it. I guess the better explanation is that the paternity test showed she cheated so I faked the whole parthenogenesis thingy. [He opens Wilson's door.]"
Cuddy, What? Why?
House, I win. [He tosses the gift to Wilson who catches it.]
Cuddy, You faked a scientific miracle just to win a bet with Wilson? [She follows him back to his office.]
House," Mmm, more an argument. I realize it would have been simpler to just fake the paternity test, but hey ÔøΩ Christmas spirit and all that."
Cuddy, I think you're confusing nice and evil again. Letting a Woman deceive her husband by inventing a virgin birth just so you canÔøΩ
House," And it obviously would have been more fitting if the baby had been born on Christmas, not just invented then."
Cuddy," It's not leukemia. Seizures, liver failure ÔøΩ It's eclampsia."
House, Which means we don't have one dead Patient. We have two.
Cuddy," Um, you have a disease called eclampsia. It causes liver failure, pulmonary edema, and seizures. It's also associated with cardiomyopathy."
 Soellner, That's a pregnancy disease. You tested her when she came in.
Cuddy," Uh, you can get eclampsia up to a month after giving birth."
 Soellner, That's ridiculous. How could she hide a pregnancy?
Cuddy," Loose clothes. She's heavy to begin with. It was pRobably premature. If it was three weeks ago, they could have missed it on a physical exam. [to Natalie] The baby's why you quit drinking, isn't it? Why you asked me if I had kids. Why you feel guilty."
Natalie, I'm sorry.
 Soellner, Who did this to you?
Natalie," Simon. He wasn't bad. We were like boyfriend/girlfriend for a while, we just didn't tell anyone. He doesn't Even know about!"
 Soellner, What happened to the baby?
Natalie," I was gonna give it away. If they found out at school! I was at the Soup Kitchen and she started coming. There was this empty House down the street, but then she wasn't breathing. I tried so hard, but I couldn't do anything. I'm... so sorry. If I had her in a hospital, maybe she'd be alive."
 Soellner, Can you cure this?
Cuddy, The damage to the heart and liver are perManent.
Natalie, I'm gonna die?
Cuddy, I'm sorry.
Natalie, I didn't Even bury her. I just put my coat over her.
Michael, Get out of my House.
Cuddy, I'm a doctor.
Michael, I don't care who you are.
Cuddy," Did you, uh... find the body of a baby?"
Michael, I said get out.
Woman," Michael? Who are you? [She enters the room, carrying a baby.]"
Cuddy, That's not your baby. You're tiny. There's no way you gave birth three weeks ago.
Woman, She's my sister's.
Cuddy, That baby is sick. She needs clean water. She needs real heat. She was pRobably born with a partially blocked airway and! might Even have brain damage. You can't take care of here in a place like this.
Michael, Shut up.
Woman, I took care of her.
Cuddy, I know. You found her. You saved her life. Now you have to let her go.
Natalie, Who is that?
Cuddy, It's your daughter. She was alive. People found her and took care of her.
Natalie, [whispering] She's beautiful.
Cameron, Kutner. No transplant?
Kutner, We appealed. Too sick.
Cameron, How much time does she have left?
Kutner, A couple of days at most.
Chase, What about the baby?
Kutner," Seems healthy, but it's too early to tell. She's in the hospital for observation for a few days, but after that ÔøΩ [shrugs]"
Taub," Best case, winds up with her teenage father who just got voted captain of the varsity bullying team."
Kutner, He's just a kid.
Taub, You all right?
Kutner, I gotta go.
Kutner, Jonathan.
Jonathan, Yeah?
Kutner," It's, uh... it's Kutner."
Jonathan, Wh ÔøΩ why are you here?
Kutner, I wanted to apologize. For all of the horrible stuff I did to you in high school. I'm sorry.
House, What's gonna happen to her?
Cuddy, I spoke to both sets of grandparents. It's too painful. They're putting her up for adoption.
House, What are you gonna do?
Cuddy, I already spoke to a Lawyer. I become a foster parent and then I adopt.
House," Merry Christmas, Cuddy. [He leaves]"
Thirteen, Where is Everybody?
Foreman, Down at the party.
Thirteen, I heard Janice is back on the trial.
Foreman, My Christmas gift to you.
Thirteen, I was wrong. You're not House.
Foreman," Yeah, well, that's my Christmas gift to myself."
Thirteen, We should go to the party. [She approaches him.]
Foreman, We should.
Lynne," Damn it, Zach. This is the last time I'm turning around. The next time you forget something, you're gonna be on your own."
Zach, I can't play without a stick.
Lynne, Then I guess you won't play.
Zach, I don't care. I suck anyway.
Lynne, Don't say that.
Zach, I'm the worst guy on the whole team.
Lynne," No, you're not."
Zach, Then who's worse?
Lynne, Don't worry about anyone else. Just do your best.
Zach, See? You can't name anyone.
Lynne," Zach, stop it."
Zach," Then name someone. [pause] You can't, can you?"
Lynne, Donny! Mark! Navid.
Zach, You really think I'm better than those guys?
Lynne, Yes. [She pulls into the driveway.] Hurry up and get your stick.
Lynne," Zach, get back in the car. [into the phone as she runs to Jeff's car and tries to open the door] I need an ambulance at 860 Oakwood Avenue!"
Zach, Why is dad's car on?
Lynne," Get back in the car, Zach! [She pulls Jeff from the car and starts performing CPR.] Come on. Come on! Oh, come on. Don't do this to me, Jeff! Don't do this!"
Jeff, I'm sorry. I just! I couldn't take the pain anymore.
House," Either I need a new watch, or Mowgli is cutting into your Beauty Sleep."
Cuddy," [pulling folders from her bag and handing them to the receptionist.] I was up all night looking at finance reports, and Rachel is doing great. Thanks for asking."
House, Proving that you're a better foster mom than a homeless drug addict.
Cuddy, Departmental budgets are due this week.
House, I'm gonna need an extension. Got some time next decade.
Cuddy, Cameron already turned yours in.
House, That's nice of her. Two questions ÔøΩ Why did she? And why are you telling me?
Cuddy, Same answer ÔøΩ now you owe her a favor.
House, I'm gonna need an extension. I got some time ÔøΩ-
Cuddy," House, I've got a DYFS home visit on Friday."
House, And I've got a w-h-o-r-e visit on ÔøΩ-
Cuddy, Mama's busy. You two are gonna have to go play outside for a while.
Cameron, 32-year-old male with chronic pain all over.
House, This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors.
Cameron, He's seen sEven different specialists over three years. No diagnosis and no relief.
House," Oh, I am fascinated already. It's like I'm treating myself. He gets cured, and I get to learn a valuable lesson about the milk of huMan kindness."
Cameron," If I thought you learned lessons, I nEver would've quit."
House, So you're wasting a favor because?
Cameron, I think you can help this guy.
House, [rattling his Vicodin vial] Drug-seeking Patients ÔøΩ
Cameron, Don't attempt suicide with medicine cabinets full of narcotics.
Thirteen, Sounds like fibromyalgia.
Cameron, Sounds like you don't work for House. A diagnosis that provides neither an explanation nor a cure is by definition not a diagnosis.
Foreman, The American College of Rheumatology would disagree. There are specific diagnostic criteria.
Cameron," Which this guy doesn't meet. Putting pressure on his pain helps, doesn't make it worse. He's got abdominal pain, sEvere headaches, muscle cramps that come and go."
Taub, And he tried to off himself. He's obviously mentally ill. Pain's pRobably psychological.
Cameron, It is not a sign of mental illness to want to be pain-free.
Taub, It is if your solution is sucking on a tailpipe. Sane people don't attempt suicide.
Kutner, Not Ever? So if you were being burnt at the stake! And someone handed you a gun!
Taub, I'd shoot the guys with the torches. Not one doctor this guy has seen in the past three years has been able to find a single thing wrong with him. What does that tell you?
House," [who has continued to stare at the pills without taking them] It means they're idiots. It means we got to start from the beginning. [to Taub] We'll do a pain profile to rule out psychosomatic pain. [to Thirteen] Search the home. [to Cameron] Go home. [to Kutner, tossing him the empty bottle] Get a refill! And a doughnut."
Foreman, I'll help with the home.
Taub," Choose a statement in each group that best describes how you've been feeling lately, including today."
Jeff, I'm not depressed. I know what I did was stupid.
Taub, I usually sleep well. I have some trouble with sleep. I have a lot of trouble with sleep.
Jeff, I have a lot of trouble.
Lynne," It's up and down. Between the pain and the meds, his sleep pattern's pretty erratic."
Taub," He's a calm person. He's more nervous than most people. He's so nervous, he's miserable."
Lynne," He's definitely calm. Sometimes calmer the worse the pain gets. I think talking, interacting with other people actually makes it worse."
Taub, Interesting.
Lynne, Why? Does that mean something?
Taub," No, it's just we've seen that in other! Patients."
Taub," He can do chores around the House. With help, he can do chores. He no longer can do chores."
Zach, He helps all the time. He's really strong. He used to play hockey. And he was really good too.
Taub," I beliEve there's hope. Hoping for things to get better is a struggle for me. Most of the time, I feel completely hopeless."
Zach, He still laughs! All the time.
Lynne, [voice over] He was always optimistic. He still is. It's just! it's harder now.
Jeff, I guess! I pray for strength more than hope.
Foreman," There's nothing in there but a pharmacy's worth of pain meds. This guy makes House look like a Christian Scientist. He's also more compliant than House. Kept all the inserts, had daily pill dispensers to make sure he didn't mix them up. [He looks at the car.] I guess if you're gonna go out in a car, this ain't a bad one to choose."
Thirteen," If I Ever did it, definitely wouldn't be like that. Don't worry. I'm not making any plans."
Foreman," I certainly wouldn't know. Ever since we kissed, you've been avoiding me."
Thirteen," No, I haven't. Just been busy. Metal polish could cause nerve damage if he inhaled enough of it. Judging by the shine on that car, he used a fair amount."
Foreman," Judging by the fact that he owns a body shop and [holds up a respirator] one of these, I'd say he knew not to inhale. Busy tonight? We can get some dinner."
Thirteen, I don't think so.
Foreman," So making out, okay. Meals, too intimate?"
Thirteen, I don't want to kiss you again either.
Foreman, Why? Because we work together?
Thirteen, No. Because I like you.
Foreman, That makes a lot of sense.
Thirteen, What doesn't make sense is me getting involved with anyone.
Foreman, I thought you'd gotten past that. That's why you agreed to the drug trial. You can't give up on life because ÔøΩ
Thirteen," I'm not giving up on life. I'm just giving up on you. I finally feel like I have a grip on things. I can handle this. What I can't handle is dragging anyone else down with me. [She opens the freezer, which is full of packaged meat.] Does this look like quail to you?"
Taub, You think he's had food poisoning Every day for the last three years?
Thirteen," Wild quail can be toxic, cause rhabdomyolysis, which would explain his pain, as well as the elevated CK lEvels."
Taub," So would the carbon monoxide he sucked out of his car. It's not a toxic reaction. It's a psychosomatic reaction. The pain profile showed an excessive concern about his physical health, difficulty sleeping, getting out of bed."
House, He's not in pain because he's depressed. He's depressed because he's in pain.
Taub," Not according to the pain profile you ordered. It's not a diet issue. We should start him on antidepressants for his sake, as well as his family's."
House, We're not diagnosing his family.
Taub, We're not diagnosing you either.
House," It's rhabdo. Push IV fluids, check his urine, do a muscle biopsy."
Taub, What muscle? He says it hurts all over.
House, Then she'll biopsy all over.
Foreman, Where are you going?
House," [taking his jacket from the coat tree] If Cuddy can come in late, I can leave early. If you need anything while I'm gone, just ask Cameron to do it."
Zach," So if he just stops eating quail, the pain will go away?"
Thirteen," If we're right, it's definitely treatable."
Jeff, My arm! It's starting to ÔøΩ
Zach, He needs more medicine.
Kutner, BP is down. We need to get him in Trendelenburg position. [They lower the bed.]
Thirteen," Jeff, can you hear me?"
Kutner, He's arresting.
Thirteen, [shouts] We need a crash cart in here!
Foreman, He's not answering his cell either.
Thirteen, VQ scan showed a pulmonary embolism.
Taub, Means the pain's not psychosomatic.
Thirteen, It also means it's not rhabdomyolysis.
Foreman," Up till now, his heart and lungs were the only places he didn't have pain."
Kutner, Means it's getting worse.
House," Got to let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple. Chronic pain and pulmonary embolism, go."
Kutner, How'd you know he had ÔøΩ
House," You called after midnight. It's got to a heart pRoblem. Heart only would be consistent with rhabdo, which means Thirteen and Foreman would be singing in the rain, which means it has to be lungs as well."
Thirteen, Hypercoagulable state could cause pain and a PE.
House, You think the blood clot was caused by a clotting pRoblem. That's helpful.
Kutner," What if it's a cancer syndrome, like Trousseau's? Explains blood clots, multifocal pain, lack of obvious physical signs."
House," And why he's gone three years without anyone seeing it. Check his chest, abdomen, and pelvis for tumors. [He hangs up.]"
Taub, Why did he think only you two would be singing in the rain?
Taub, Bone windows are normal.
Kutner," Checking for cancerous masses in the lungs. So, uh, who do you know who committed suicide?"
Taub," Hemingway, Goebbels, Romeo and Juliet."
Kutner, Your mom? Dad?
Taub, Saying I wouldn't do it under any circumstances means my whole family was suicidal?
Kutner," Nope, but Categorically insisting there are no circumstances means you've got baggage ÔøΩ Personal betrayal, abandonment."
Taub, Just because you grew up in a Charles Dickens novel!
Kutner," Well, it's people like me who don't do it. When your life sucks from the beginning, there's nowhere to go but up."
Taub," Thorax is clear. No tumors in the lungs. The only betrayal comes from father of the year in there. He has a wife, a kid ÔøΩ People who count on him to have a pulse."
Kutner, Okay. SwitParkng to high-res cuts of the abdomen.
Taub," My parents live very happily in Queens. They nEver attempted, thought about, or attempted to think about committ ÔøΩ [sees Kutner staring at the monitor] What?"
Kutner," There, along his diaphragm."
Taub, That's not cancer.
House, No hurry. I already bathed once this week. I wouldn't want to look elitist.
Plumber, Can't do anything till I write up an estimate.
House, Fine. Pad it all you want. Here's a check for the deductible. Don't touch the piano and lock up when you leave.
Plumber," Sorry, deductible doesn't apply here."
House," Well, I'm no arParktect, but I'm pretty sure the master bedroom is part of the home, which means the home warranty ÔøΩ"
Plumber," Doesn't cover negligence. This pipe goes through the ceiling, over that wall, and into your shower. It didn't burst. It was pulled apart."
House," Yeah, 'cause I'm clearly a guy who likes to knock out a few naked pull-ups before I greet the day."
Plumber, You hang laundry in there?
House, I'm about to hang a plumber in there.
Plumber," Look, there's no rust. There's no corrosion. I don't know how it happened, but I know what happened, and it's not covered."
House, So!
Plumber," WhenEver you're ready to spend the $2,200! Give somebody else a call. [He takes his ladder and leaves.]"
Foreman," I promise, I'm only holding your hand to check for choreiform movement. I'm getting absolutely no intimacy from it."
Thirteen," I told you, it has nothing to do with you."
Foreman," I know. That's the pRoblem. There's 80 reasons we shouldn't date, but you can't shut Everyone out. You're gonna need help, support."
Thirteen," Look at our Patient. 32 years old, not dead yet, and already he's traumatized his wife, his son ÔøΩ"
Foreman," And I'll bet they're cherishing Every traumatic minute he has left, wouldn't trade him for the healthiest guy in the world."
Thirteen," True. And they're stuck suffering with him, hating Every day. Only their pain has no prospect of relief."
Kutner, This a bad time?
Thirteen, No.
Foreman, [simultaneously] Yeah.
Kutner, No trace of cancer in the Patient.
Taub," But we did find edema in his intestines, air in the intestinal blood vessels, and House won't answer his phone."
Foreman, His intestine must be damaged. The air's leaking into his body.
Kutner," If there's a blockage in the superior mesenteric artery, it could be choking off blood flow to his intestine."
Thirteen," Blockages all over his body would explain his pain, why the cramps come and go."
Foreman, Do an angioplasty on the superior mesenteric and find the other blockages before he has another cardiac arrest.
Thirteen, I'll help. [She grabs her stuff and rushes out the door behind Kutner and Taub.]
House," Good thing we don't have a suicidal Patient with a horrific, undiagnosed pain disorder."
Foreman, We did till we diagnosed it. We found intestinal edema and air in the blood vessels. Pain was vascular.
House," If it was vascular, we would've seen unEven pulses."
Foreman, His blood pressure was unEven. Thirteen and Kutner are doing an angio.
House, He had hemorrhages in his fingers.
Taub, There's air in the intestine. It has to have come from somewhere.
House," [thinking] Yes, it does. [He leaves.]"
Kutner," After we thread the catheter through his groin and into position, the blood will start flowing freely again."
Zach, Will that take away the pain?
House," It will be completely ineffective, and the pain will completely go away. Cancel the angio."
Thirteen, He has air in his blood vessels. If we don't open the artery to his intestines ÔøΩ
House," [handing Thirteen his cane] Where can air come from? Hmmm. [He inspects the IV line, started at Jeff and moving toward the IV stand.] Air can either come from a breach in the lumen in the small intestine, or in rare instances, air can come from the air. [He opens a connector in the line and shows it to hem.] Teeth marks. I'm guessing from when he blew into his IV tube."
Kutner, Air bubble caused the PE and cardiac arrest.
House, You tried to finish the job that you started at home.
Lynne, Jeff! Why? You said that you nEver ÔøΩ
Jeff, I lied. I wanna die. Please just let me die.
House, No. [He leaves.]
Kutner, He's in a hyperbaric chAmber. A dose of high pressure ought to Chase the air out of his blood.
Cuddy," Is anyone keeping an eye on him, because this whole idea of suicidal watch was specifically created for suicidal Patients. I realize how you might've thought the name was just a coincidence."
House, Are there any visuals in this room that are key to us learning our lesson? 'Cause the telephone ÔøΩ
Cuddy, I'm inconveniencing you because you inconvenienced me. [pause] When was the last time you showered?
House, Scent of a Man! I realize you haven't experienced it sober.
Cuddy, Anyone should be able to handle a depressed pain Patient!
Taub, He insisted he was no longer ÔøΩ
Cuddy," Apparently he lied. Didn't think I'd have to remind you of that remote possibility. I have a DYFS inspection in less than 24 hours, so if you can't control ÔøΩ"
Thirteen," Non-motor seizures. [House and Cuddy both look at her.] Sorry, I was thinking about the Patient. What were you saying?"
Cuddy, Go on.
Thirteen, The pain started in his abdomen near his intestine. The first symptom has got to be key.
House," He's had multiple EEGs, all of them cleaner and squeakier than Cuddy's rubber nipples."
Foreman, What about a glycogen storage disease like McArdle's? It explains the pain. Plus there's plenty of muscle cells in the wall of the intestine.
House, Fourteen is right. [Kutner smirks.] Go run an ischemic forearm test.
Cuddy, Take the garbage out on your way out. [She hands Kutner a dirty diaper.]
House," If you want a Man to take your crap, you have to marry him first."
Cuddy, Or employ him. [The team leaves. Cuddy jiggles Rachel.] Good girl.
Janice, I don't think I'm ready to run a decathlon yet.
Nurse," Ah, if we can get you Managing your life a bit better, that'll be plenty. Dr. Hadley, whenEver you're ready. [Janice waves at Thirteen.]"
Thirteen, Janice. You look better.
Janice," Yeah, they said my basal ganglian volume's improved. All I know is for the first time in two years, I can drink a cup of water without spilling it all over myself. Thank you for getting me back in the study."
Thirteen, I haven't Even seen you in weeks. I didn't Even know our appointments were back-to-back again.
Janice," Well, they weren't. Mine got switched this morning."
Kutner," We're gonna take your blood repeatedly. If the increased strain makes your arm hurt more, you have a muscle abnormality."
Lynne," If you're right about this McArdle's disease, can you take away the pain?"
Kutner," With gene-replacement therapy, with lifestyle changes, we can reduce it."
Taub, [to Jeff] Keep squeezing the ball. [Jeff grunts with pain from the effort.]
Lynne, How long does he have to ÔøΩ
Jeff, Maybe you and Zach should get something to eat.
Lynne," Honey, don't worry about us."
Jeff, I'm not. Please get out of here. These tests are all I can handle.
Taub, They're trying to help you.
Jeff, They can't.
Taub," Then how about helping them, you know, by not being ÔøΩ"
Jeff, An ass? You have no idea what I'm going through.
Taub, I know it's better than what you tried to go through. [He stands and walks past Kutner.]
Kutner," Sure, no baggage at all. [to Jeff] Where's the pain worst right now?"
Jeff, Left arm.
Kutner, Does it hurt more?
Jeff, Couldn't.
Taub, And lactate lEvel is steady. It's not any kind of glycogen.
Jeff," [yells and lets go of the ball as he grabs his leg] Ahhhh! Oh, God! Pain jumped to my leg! That's nEver happened before."
Taub," Chest, your abdomen ÔøΩ you feel anything there?"
Jeff, No! My leg! It feels like it's being sawed off.
Thirteen, Nice.
Foreman, What?
Thirteen, SwitParkng Janice's appointment time so I could see the skies brighten like a lifetime TV movie.
Foreman, I don't know what you're ÔøΩ
Thirteen, Sticking your most improved study participant in my face. Is that your way of getting into my pants?
Foreman," I don't make the schedule, and if I did, I wouldn't use it as a social lubricant. And this is the first I've heard of Janice improving at all. So, hey, thanks for the good news."
Taub," Pain started in his abdomen. Now it's hopped from his left thumb to his left leg, skipping the trunk entirely."
House, I need the name of a good Lawyer.
Kutner, We're getting sued?
House, PRobably. That's Cuddy's pRoblem.
Taub," Hopping pain, means it's something in his brain, not his body."
House," Except the pain's in two places that connect to two separate regions of the brain. Which means you're not using yours. Come on, you're from one of the 12 tribes. You know must know a ton of shysters."
Taub, What type of Lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.
House, Didn't say I needed a Lawyer. I said I needed the name of a Lawyer.
Taub, Pain hopped to another limb on the same side. It's got to be central ÔøΩ
Kutner, Could still be peripheral. If multiple areas of disc disease ÔøΩ
House, Were consistent with a completely spotless MRI. [to Kutner] Who represented the hospital when you set that Patient on fire?
Kutner, Chris Carrick.
House, Chris? That doesn't sound like a very good Lawyer.
Taub," If we can't Even resolve body versus brain, we're nEver gonna diagnose the guy."
House, What was the name of the firm?
Kutner, Caddell and Carrick. It's not like we can chop off his head to see if the pain goes away.
House, Need to cut off a guy's head. [Cuddy turns to leave.] Got to figure out if his pain's coming from his brain or his body. [She pauses at the door.] A stiff shot of lidocaine below the brain stem should numb him all the way down to his tippy toes.
Cuddy," And hearing me say ""no"" over the phone wasn't good enough?"
House, I'm inconveniencing you because you inconvenienced me.
Cuddy, You know that foster-care official is coming in the morning.
House," If they weren't, there'd be no inconvenience."
Cuddy, Do not try and force me to choose between my Parkld ÔøΩ
House, I'm forcing you to do your job! If you can't also ÔøΩ
Cuddy," Fine, you want to separate a Patient's central nervous system from the rest of his body."
House," If the pain stays, it's in his brain. If it vanishes ÔøΩ"
Cuddy," And what about options three, four, and five? His respiratory system freezes, or he dies of infection, or he leaks CNS fluid like a fire hydrant, which would make him wish he were dead?"
House, You need to scratch option five. He's already there.
Cuddy," You preach objectivity, but as soon as a Patient comes in in pain, all you want to do is look under the hood. You don't care if there's a one-in-three chance you'll kill him."
House," If I don't diagnose him, there's a one-in-one chance he'll kill himself."
Cuddy, [Checks her cell phone which is beeping] I gotta go. Do whatEver it is you think is right.
Cuddy," Tammy, you said you were gonna be a little late. DYFS is gonna be here in an hour, and this place is a disaster. [There's a knock on the door. James Carlton, the DYFS inspector, is there. Cuddy lets the phone slip from her ear.] NEver mind."
Chase," This should numb Everything from your shoulders down. Any pain that's peripheral should be gone. [House enters, not wearing a mask, of course.] What are you doing here?"
House, Just stretParkng my leg. Carry on.
Jeff, Bad pain day today?
House, [rattling pill bottle] About to get better. Don't worry. He's making yours a double.
Jeff, I remember when the drugs still made things tolerable. I still thought I had good days left.
House, Turns out you have to live to find out.
Jeff," You don't have a family, do you?"
House, Left them all back on Krypton.
Jeff," You're alone. That's why you can handle your pain. No need to put up a front, to be what anyone else wants you to be. You're having more bad days lately, aren't you?"
House, [quietly after a pause] Yes. [Chase looks at House for a moment.]
Jeff, Take a look at your future. Let's hope the drugs work this time.
Cuddy, I really wasn't expecting you till later.
Carlton," Had a cancellation, so I thought I'd knock you off the docket."
Cuddy," Well, I'm sorry this place is such a mess. It's been a bit of a difficult workweek."
Carlton, Any guns in the House?
Cuddy," Uh, no."
Carlton, Pets? [pause] Besides the ants?
Cuddy, No.
Carlton, [looking at Cuddy's leather tote] Nice bag. Pricey way to ditch the diapers.
Cuddy," [removing the diaper] That's not what I usually ÔøΩ Um, I sort of panicked. Mr. Carlton, if you'd just give me a minute to explain."
Carlton, Everything looks fine.
Cuddy, Really?
Carlton," Dr. Cuddy, you've got sufficient income, a high degree of personal and professional stability, and you care enough to be embarrassed by what a mess this place is. BeliEve me, that puts you head and shoulders above most of the foster moms I visit. See you next year, if you haven't adopted her by then."
Jeff, My legs! They're different. Better.
Chase, No pain at all?
Jeff," No, but less. Four out of ten, maybe five."
House," Can't be. If whatEver is causing the pain is in your brain, it's still a ten. Periphery is zero."
Jeff," It is? Some of the pain is gone, but not all of it. What does this mean?"
Thirteen, Maybe Taub was right. It's psychosomatic after all.
Carrick, Which one of you is House?
House, The big black guy.
Carrick," [dropping an envelope on the table in front of House] Chris Carrick. Next time you use my name in a threatening e-mail, it won't be just a bill. It'll be a lawsuit. [He leaves.]"
House," [to Foreman as he inspects the envelope without opening it] Can you blame me? The last time that happened, the guy shot me."
Thirteen, What if the spinal block triggered some sort of placebo effect?
House, Guy's taken the finest opiates Blue Cross can buy. How come they didn't trigger a placebo effect?
Thirteen, What happened?!
Lynne," He just started screaming, do something! Please, God, do not let it be what his father has."
House, I think he's faking.
Lynne, How dare you?! What makes you think ÔøΩ
Foreman," House, the kid's in excruciating ÔøΩ [He's talking to House's back.]"
Lynne, Where is he going?
House, Where is it?
Jeff, Where's what?
House," [producing an empty bottle of rubbing alcohol from under the sheets.] His idiot son distracted the orderlies so that daddy death wish here could down a bottle of isopropyl. Get him on dialysis, or in half an hour, he'll be a corpse."
Zach, You're hurting me.
House," Remember the feeling. Maybe next time you want to help pops, you'll do a better acting job."
Zach, You can't help him.
Lynne," Zach, why did you do this?"
Zach," Because he's not dad anymore. He just wants it to be over with. Please. Please, just ÔøΩ just let him die."
Foreman, Fabry disease might be able to cause central and peripheral pain.
House, No angiokeratomata.
Kutner, Lightning pain from syphilis.
House, All the syph tests were negative. [They silently follow him into the Diagnostics Conference Room.] Why aren't you guys still talking?
Taub, Because we ran out of ideas.
Thirteen, Nothing explains this.
Foreman, Something has to.
House, Unless! Nothing does.
Taub, So now you think ÔøΩ
House, Mine's a more interesting version of nothing. It used to be something. We can't find anything because whatEver injury caused the original pain healed a long time ago. The only thing left is the drugs.
Foreman, Opioid induced pain.
House," Pain and the drugs that treat pain work by changing brain chemistry, sometimes to the point where pain receptors read painkillers as killer pain. Take him off the drugs."
Kutner," We can't cure him, so we're gonna torture him?"
House, Torture is the cure. Eventually his body will recalibrate itself.
Taub, Assuming you're right.
House, Yes. I find it confusing to assume otherwise.
Thirteen, How would you like to stop taking Vicodin?
House, Good thing I'm not the Patient.
Cuddy," It's open. [Wilson enters carrying a giant, stuffed duck. She laughs.] Thank you."
Wilson, Is it too big?
Cuddy, She'll grow into it. You can put it there. [She points to a chair.]
Wilson, I take it the home inspection was pushed back.
Cuddy, I passed.
Wilson, You do realize that's a good thing?
Cuddy, This place was a disaster. I had to stash a dirty diaper in my briefcase.
Wilson, So you buy another briefcase.
Cuddy, I let House supervise himself. That's like handing a 12-year-old the keys to the liquor cabinet and the car.
Wilson, You passed the inspection. The Patient lived. The car is still in the driveway. And the next time my nanny gets sick when House wants to saw someone in half?
Wilson, Did I mention you passed the inspection?
Cuddy, I passed by their meager standard. I failed by mine.
Wilson, Why do women always do that?
Cuddy, Fail?
Wilson," Create ridiculous standards that no huMan could meet, with your careers, with your kids. You got to be more like us men."
Cuddy, Be lazy? Blame others?
Wilson," Get help! Most men in your position have a deputy and two assistants at work, and a wife and two nannies at home. You're not superWoman. Don't be a martyr."
Kutner," We'll be injecting you with naloxone, which will knock the opioids out of your pain receptors. If we're right, your system will recalibrate within a few hours, and most of the pain will be gone."
Jeff, Hours? I need those drugs.
Kutner, Not if they're causing your pain.
Jeff," Then knock me out, sedate me while you ÔøΩ"
Kutner, That takes drugs too. We need to clear Everything out of your system.
Jeff," Please, I'll try anything else."
Taub, That's what we're trying to stop.
Kutner," [joins Taub preparing the meds] So it's not your parents. Then it's your wife, someone you were close ÔøΩ"
Taub," Colleague. We were residents together. I should've done more to stop it. He had the mother of all god complexes. So busy treating Everyone's pRoblems, he was blind to his own. Helped himself to a vial of insulin. It's a miracle he survived. His friends and family almost didn't. He was a selfish ass."
Kutner, [as Taub administers the naloxone] It'll be over soon.
Foreman, This is lunacy. You're torturing this guy on a hunch.
House," It's the only hunch we've got. If I really wanted to torture him, I'd Manipulate a clinical trial in the hopes that he'd sleep with you."
Foreman, Are you suggesting I got Thirteen in that trial because of some personal ÔøΩ
House," I think you got her in because of your usual Messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your ""I like to have sex"" complex. I checked the logs. You moved your most promising Patient right before her. False hope being quite the aphrodisiac."
Foreman, How's it false if the trials are showing results?
House," Well, if it were that promising, you wouldn't have to change the schedule. But, hey! Hope springs eternal."
Fernando, This was a cooking accident?
House, First time making cherries jubilee.
Fernando, Awfully big fire.
House," If you ask me, some of the portions in that recipe were off. [He picks up his insurance policy, which happens to be on the counter and leafs through it.] Sure hope it happens to be covered under, say, section three, subsection 2.2, paragraph one, accidental fire damage, in which case you'd have to replace the entire waterline to fix the sagging pipe."
Fernando, I guess so. [House's beeper goes off] Hate to have your next-door neighbors end up with no hot water. Lucky the fire escaped your pipes entirely.
Lynne, It's not working.
House, I know. I started him back on the pain meds! [He drops his backpack behind his desk. She's still standing there.] Which means you can leave.
Lynne, My son was right. I tried for so long to protect him from! But I'm the one who's been selfish. This is no way for him to live.
House," Until we get an answer, it's the only way."
Lynne, There is no answer.
House, There's always an answer.
Lynne," Then what is it? He's been here four days. Three suicide attempts. You don't have an answer. When I saw you! When I saw the cane! I thought, ""thank God. The doctor will understand."" Because I sure as hell don't. My husband thinks it's over. So look me in the eye, tell me you'd want to live like that. [House looks down slightly and says nothing.] Then stabilize him. Get him in decent enough shape for the drive home. [She starts crying.] So he can finally!"
House, [quietly] Okay.
Thirteen, There's got to be something we can do. We can't just let the Patient leave.
Foreman, We didn't. House did.
Taub, Because he realized there's nothing he could do.
Thirteen," There's always something we can do, something else we can try."
Fernando," You're insane. You know that, right?"
House, Because I have principles?
Fernando, Because you paid more to bribe me to lie on your claim than the entire cost of the repair.
House," I don't care if I pay, as long as the people who pocketed my premiums for the last nine years also pay. I didn't break the pipe."
Fernando," WhatEver. If you want to stick it to the Man, that's fine by me. [He signs some paperwork and gives it to House.] You happy?"
House," Nope, but I'm right."
House, Lock up on your way out. And don't touch the piano.
House, Testicles. What do they make you think of?
Taub," STDs, testosterone issues, that summer on Fire Island."
House," Oh, so close. The correct answer is epilepsy."
Foreman, Epilepsy doesn't cause chronic pain.
House," It does if it spreads to the sensory region of the brain, then rewires the pain neurons."
Thirteen, Would've shown up on an EEG.
House," Not if the seizures are in a place you can't see on an EEG, a place too deep in the brain, like the area that controls the muscles supporting the!"
Taub, Testicles.
House," Feels like you got kicked in the nads, doesn't it? [Jeff and Lynne look at him, puzzled.] The abdominal pain, how it all started. It wasn't the stomach. It was lower, right?"
Jeff, It's Everywhere.
House, But when it first started.
Jeff, It started in the stomach ÔøΩ cramps.
House," Yeah, like bad gas, or a permeating pain! Like your kidneys were being pulled out through your scrotum."
Jeff, [sits up straighter. House's description seems to register with him.] Why?
House, Because epilepsy is treatable.
Kutner, Looks like we shot the guys with the torches.
Taub, Yeah. Pays to hang around.
Kutner," That selfish ass with the god complex who almost made the stupidest decision of his life ÔøΩ Wasn't your colleague, was it? It was you."
Taub, No. [Taub writes something in the chart and grabs his briefcase.] See you tomorrow. [He leaves.]
Foreman, You're here early.
Thirteen, I'm feeling better. [He fiddles with the IV.] What's wrong?
Foreman, IV's leaking a little. It's no big deal. I'll be right back.
Thirteen, Foreman. [He stops.] You busy tonight?
Foreman, No.
Foreman," Rita, the spike on Dr. Hadley's IV bag wasn't pushed in all the way. Don't want any dosing errors. [He takes a tissue and cleans the medication off his hand in the Manner approved of by toxicologists Everywhere.]"
Rita," Sorry. It won't happen again. It stinks, doesn't it?"
Foreman, What?
Rita," The medication. When we switch out the bags, you can smell it. It's disgusting."
Foreman, I didn't smell anything.
Rita," Oh, she must be on the placebo, then."
Cuddy," You offered to do House's budget because you wanted him to owe you, wanted him to take that case. Why?"
Cameron," I thought it would help House. Seeing someone worse off than him, possibly curing a guy who has Even less to look forward to."
Cuddy, Can I ask you something? [Cameron stops.] How would you like my job?
Sarah," Let's stay focused, Johnny. [He continues to stare.] What are you looking at?"
Johnny, [looking at the seated teacher] Who is she?
Sarah," That's Miss Cindy, Zeke's new aide."
Johnny, What happened to his old aide?
Sarah," She got married. [She leans over to help him with his art.] So, first, you want to rub the glue on the paper in any shapes you like."
Johnny, Why do people get married?
Sarah, Because they love each other.
Johnny, Why aren't you married?
Sarah," I haven't found the person I love yet, because I spend all of my time loving you. [She gooses him and he giggles.]"
Johnny, Does that mean we can get married?
Sarah," Well, love comes in Many types, and there's lots of it to go around."
Jessica," Oh, my snow is ruined."
Sarah," It's not ruined. Oh, it's pretty. [coming over to her] See, look, I like the green."
Jessica, Who Ever heard of green snow?
Sarah," It's magical. [Jessica pees on her seat. She starts to sniffle. Sarah hugs her.] Come here. We'll get you cleaned up, okay? It's okay. [She sees blood on Jessica's sweater.] Ooh, are you okay?"
Cameron, You gonna pay for that?
House, Nice of you to offer. Now I can actually get some cream cheese.
Cameron, 29-year-old teacher. She works with special needs Parkldren. She ÔøΩ
House," Love what you're wearing. Brings out the blue of the case file, which means it's not from the ER. So why are you here? [He tears open a packet of cream cheese with his teeth.]"
Cameron," Because Dr. Cuddy is not here. She's decided to spend some more time at home with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities, like babysitting you."
House, Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you. So why would Cuddy want you to die so young?
Cameron, She figured I'd spent three years working for you. I was inoculated.
House," Good. Fun. You get to exercise your newfound power. I squirm under your thumb, resent the student becoming the teacher, and then push comes to shove, and we all get to realize what our real roles should be. Then you put out. [He takes a bite of his bagel.]"
Cameron, That's why I took the job.
House," 29-year-old Special Ed Teacher coughs up blood all over Corky. No dyspnea, no weight loss. [to Foreman] Why are you smirking?"
Foreman, NEver thought I'd see the day you were taking orders from Cameron.
Kutner, Cameron's in charge?
Thirteen, When did that happen?
Kutner," You're gonna destroy her, aren't you?"
House, I am going to do my job. If that involves leaving her a rotting pulp!
Foreman, Cameron's gonna mark her territory. She'll pRobably over compensate and destroy you.
Taub, Bleeding ulcer.
Thirteen," [reading the file] Scope of the stomach and lungs were clean, yet she continues to spit up blood from both her stomach and lungs."
Foreman," That means it's pRobably something wrong with the blood itself ÔøΩ Leukemia, Von Willebrand's."
Thirteen, Thoracic tumor is a better fit. Erodes into her airway and esophagus ÔøΩ
House," Oh, will you two stop it already?"
Thirteen, Stop what?
House, Disagreeing.
Thirteen," Okay, which one of us shouldn't have an opinion?"
House," It's not an opinion. It's a smoke screen. Toss out a lame idea, instead of agreeing with Foreman's better idea because you're worried that'll confirm that he's boldly gone where no Man has gone before."
Kutner, You slept with Foreman?
Thirteen, Sorry. You were busy.
Foreman," Drop it, House. We're seeing each other, end of discussion. Anything else isn't relevant."
House," It's extremely relevant. Apparently, it colors Everything. Now I have no idea if you have differing opinions because you have differing opinions or because you're just trying to prove that you can think for yourselves."
Thirteen, How about you just Judge our ideas on their own merit?
House," Oh, you don't want me to do that. Go run a bleeding-time test, confirm our Patient's blood is screwy, then you can come back and pretend to disagree about why."
Thirteen, Time zero.
Kutner, [to Sarah] I'm impressed. You didn't Even flinch.
Sarah, I just went to my happy place.
Thirteen, [opening her eyes wide] We cannot let House anywhere near this Woman.
Kutner, Where is your happy place?
Sarah, My class. With them. [She nods toward the nightstand which has framed pictures of her students.]
Thirteen, Passed the first mark.
Kutner, It's a great thing you do.
Sarah," Not really. Most kids, typical Parkldren, you hand them a pair of scissors, and they cut. Well, Tony, he's got CP and when I gave him the scissors, we went on a journey together, learning to get his fingers in those holes, to hold the scissors apart, to hold the paper. I mean, when he finally learned to cut, we both just wept with joy."
Kutner," If you Ever meet our boss, just yes or no answers, okay?"
Thirteen, [examining Sarah's arm] It's not slowing up. No sign of clotting.
Sarah, So there is something wrong with my blood?
Kutner," Don't worry, we'll run some lab tests to find out which clotting factor is off and then ÔøΩ"
Sarah, I'm not worried.
Kutner, Must be one hell of a happy place.
Wilson, She's beautiful.
Cuddy, I know. I'm lucky.
Wilson, Absolutely. What's she like?
Cuddy, She's eight weeks old. Are you asking me about her politics or her sense of humor?
Wilson, My cousin had a kid. They acted like they knew the thing from the time it was two minutes old. I just! I just thought!
Cuddy," She cries, she eats, and she poops."
Wilson, What's wrong?
Cuddy, I don't feel anything.
Wilson, You're tired.
Cuddy, I'm not sleep deprived. She sleeps fine. I'm obviously not hormonal. I know I'm supposed to feel amazement. I'm supposed to love her. I just! I don't feel anything at all. Sorry. Maybe I am just tired. Um. Thank you for stopping by. I'm okay.
Wilson, Lisa! if you're!
Cuddy," I am feeding her, I'm changing her, and I'm burping her. I'm doing Everything I'm supposed to do. She will be okay. Please go back to work."
Thirteen," It is the blood, but the clotting proteins aren't the pRoblem."
Foreman," It's her platelets, looked like they had bite marks in them."
House," So now you're agreeing? Either you folded because I gave you crap, or you broke up, or ÔøΩ"
Foreman," We disagree, you blame our relationship. We agree, you blame our relationship. Don't you see a pRoblem there?"
House, Yes. Don't you?
Taub, Could be lymphoma.
House, Not with normal LDH.
Kutner, ITP fits. We should start her on methotrexate.
House," Absolutely, and total body irradiation."
Taub, Because she failed a bleeding-time test?
Kutner," TBI will promote cancers, kill her digestive tract."
House," Don't forget, stop her from bleeding into her brain."
Kutner," It's premature, reckless, and potentially lethal."
House, True. Must be somebody's job to stop me from being reckless and irresponsible. [He gets in the elevator.] Nobody can stop me from being premature. [He chortles goofily as the doors close on him.]
House, Got a Patient with ITP. Need to hit her with radiation.
Cameron, [to person on the phone] I'm gonna have to call you back. [to House] Methotrexate.
House," Good point. On the other hand, if she bleeds in her brain, she's gonna need a Special Ed class of her own."
Cameron, Fine.
House, Really?
Cameron," Yeah, if you think it's right, do it."
House," Hmmm. Some people thought you were gonna be brutal, marking your territory."
Cameron, Who?
House, Nobody. Just because I call him nobody doesn't make me a racist.
Cameron," I'm not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes."
House, I need oral sex. I'm pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.
Cameron, Can I return my phone call now?
House, I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.
Thirteen, Patient won't respond to methotrexate. Bleeding time hasn't improved.
House, You have a medical dilemma for me. I have one for you. I need a reason to not do total body irradiation.
Foreman, Other than that Cameron said you can't.
House, She said I can.
Kutner, Then why don't we just do it?
House," Because it's premature, reckless, and potentially lethal."
Kutner, Then why don't we just don't do it?
House, Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I nEver intended to do it.
Taub," This is gonna be convoluted, isn't it?"
House," I figured I'd ask for something really crazy, so she'd shoot me down and get the whole ""I can control House"" thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I went back and asked for something marginally crazy, it would seem marginally reasonable, and she'd say yes. So, yeah, slightly convoluted."
Taub, You're screwed.
Thirteen, Unless we irradiate her. Without the radiation. We book the nuclear lab. We fill out the paperwork. We bring the Patient down there. We do Everything but flip the switch.
House, Go. Do. Don't flip.
Taub," And is there anything we should be doing, you know, to actually help the Patient?"
House," Trust me. In the long term, this'll help all our Patients. In the short term, double the dose of methotrexate and add prednisone."
Chase, Cameron's got the keys to the castle.
Foreman, This trial I'm running ÔøΩ the drug really seems to be working.
Chase, She's kind of liking the power. I think I'm kind of liking her liking it.
Foreman, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about Thirteen.
Chase, She's sort of dressing like Cuddy.
Foreman, She's on the placebo.
Chase, You can't possibly know that.
Foreman, Accidents happen. I found out.
Chase," You cannot tell her. You'd be compromising the trial. She knows she had a 50/50 chance of not being on the drug. If you feel like you're lying to her, too bad."
Foreman, I don't want to tell her. I want to put her on the real drug.
Chase, And you want me to tell you that that's okay?
Foreman," Her trial results are already compromised, just from the fact that I know. As long as she's wasting her time, why not give her something that might actually help her?"
Chase," Valid point, except for the fact that it's a load of crap. Don't be an idiot."
Sarah, So how long until we start the procedure?
Thirteen, We already started. Told you you wouldn't feel a thing.
Taub, You should lie back. Just stay real still.
Pan Am Clerk, I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you.
Fletch," Oh, for ÔøΩ God, God, God!"
Sarah," I have to pee. Can we, like, call a time out for a minute, let me go to the bathroom?"
Thirteen," Yeah, sure. We'll just start up again when you're done."
Sarah, Thanks. Sorry. I! I didn't realize I had to go.
Taub, No pRoblem.
Thirteen, Sarah?
Taub, [checking her neck] No pulse. Get the paddles.
Thirteen, Clear!
Taub, Got a pulse. It's not ITP. She clearly doesn't need fake radiation.
Kutner, No structural defects in her heart.
Thirteen, What about a calcified valve or a patent foramen ovale?
Taub, Transthoracic echo and bubble studies show nothing. Her heart's clean.
Thirteen," The Patient said she had to go pee. Maybe when she got up, she started to urinate. Increased the vagal tone, caused arrhythmia, and stopped her heart."
House, Who has to go pee in the middle of a nuclear procedure?
Kutner, It wasn't really a nuclear procedure.
House, She didn't know that. [The others look at him.] People don't die from peeing.
Kutner," Heavy metal, toxin."
Taub, Drugs or alcohol.
Thirteen, Or her own body is making a toxin. Cold agglutinins. Abnormal protein gets activated by cold temperatures.
Forbes, Like the classroom with the broken heater and the cold metal table in the procedure room.
House," Oh, for God's sake, get a room. Immerse her in an ice bath. The cold will activate her cold agglutinins."
Kutner, Causing her heart to race.
House, Confirming our diagnosis.
Kutner, And giving her another heart attack.
House," Lucky for me, there's a flaxen-haired maiden who loves to say yes."
Cuddy, How in the world could you approve total body irradiation for a Patient with possible ITP?
Cameron, It was the right call.
Cuddy, There is no medical justification for that kind of ÔøΩ
Cameron," Not medically, no. Absolutely no medical rationalization. I had to say yes because House wanted me to say no."
Cuddy, You think he was bluffing.
Cameron, I'm the new kid. He had to test me.
Cuddy," Don't get cute. Don't engage him. Do not play his games, because you will lose."
Cameron, You hired me to do this job. Let me do it.
House," Oh, I'm sorry. Looks like you guys are in the middle of a conversation. I can wait till Cuddy leaves. [He makes himself comfortable in an armchair.] You are gonna leave soon, aren't you? I mean, the nurses have got your baby out there. Not that they're gonna kidnap it or anything, but I figured that the new mother brings the baby to work because she wants to listen to all the cooing."
Cameron," If you're gonna wait, you can wait outside."
House," Unless the new mother brings the baby to work because she wants to dump the baby, because she hates the baby and thinks she made a big mistake. [Long pause as Cuddy and Cameron stare at House.] You can't trust that Wilson guy with anything."
Cameron," Lisa, are you ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, It's not a big deal. I was having a bad day.
House, Is Wilson gonna be in trouble?
Cuddy, For betraying my trust in a vulnerable time? No. Why would that bother me?
House," He was worried, made a bad choice. It's not a big deal. I know it seems like crap, you pRobably feel like crap, but it's not. Legally, you haven't adopted her yet. There's no obligations, no strings. It can be undone tomorrow. Emotionally, you'll feel guilty for a while, but the kid! She won't Even know you existed."
Cuddy, You saying I should give her back?
House, Much better than having a mother who doesn't give a crap.
Cuddy, Thanks. I'm just gonna go drop it off at the pound. [She leaves.]
Cameron, What did you want?
House, We got a green light. Go draw the Patient's blood.
Thirteen, Why?
House, To see if it clumps in the cold.
Thirteen, She's making you confirm your theory before you treat?
House, She approved the bath. Just thought we ought to do a test to confirm.
Kutner," That's more of a yellow light, isn't it?"
Taub," So she lets you nuke the Patient, no pRoblem, but makes you jump through hoops to give her a bath? Why would she do that?"
ForMan, I think she was playing you.
House, [getting on the elevator] Go draw the blood.
Kutner, Didn't realize the nurses allowed any visitors in here.
Sarah," They don't. [to Johnny] We'll just do these pRoblems, and then you have to go, okay?"
Johnny, Okay.
Kutner, I need to draw some blood. I had a crush on my teacher in fourth grade! and fifth.
Tammy," It's more that Johnny was a nonverbal autistic. Then for Sarah, he talks, makes eye contact. He's like a regular kid. Since she got sick, he started going back away from us. I had to bring him in for a visit."
Kutner," I'll tell you what, I'll close the blinds so the nurses don't ask questions. You can stay as long as you want. We should have the results in about an hour."
Sarah, I'll be here. [He closes the blinds and leaves as Sarah looks at what Johnny's been doing.] Good job.
Foreman, One minute at 39 degrees.
Thirteen," Oh, damn, sorry."
Foreman, You all right?
Thirteen, Don't be paranoid. I feel great. Didn't expect the meds to work this quickly.
Foreman, Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You might not Even be on the real drug.
Thirteen, SEveral Patients have shown improvement. I know my test results have been better. I know I have more energy.
Foreman, You Ever hear the term placebo effect?
Thirteen," I guess I do have a few reasons to feel good. [She puts her hand on his.] But let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're good, but not ""curing Huntington's"" good."
Foreman, Good.
Thirteen, It's clumped. House was right. Ice bath's on.
Foreman, Got a sec?
Cameron, Don't be an idiot.
Kutner," I know it's hard, but you need to stay in there for three minutes."
Sarah, [chattering] It's okay.
Taub, You come to procedures now?
House, Only the ones that might involve stopping the Patient's heart.
Taub, Cameron tell you to be here?
House, Shut up.
Kutner, Tell me about Jonathan. How'd you get him to come out of hiding?
Sarah," He was extremely sensitive to touch, yet he had a! a tactile fascination with newspaper. I mean, he wouldn't read it. He would just! just touch it, crinkle it. I thought maybe that was a way in. Papier m√¢chÔøΩ and! and it was. He let me into his world."
House, Please tell her that talking will ruin the test.
Sarah," All the kids ÔøΩ I try to become a part of them, and then have them become a part of me."
House, How much longer till the heart attack?
Kutner," I wanted to be a doctor from the time I was eight years old. NEver wanted to be a pediatrician, though."
House, Now they're both talking.
Sarah," Well, I wanted to be a sociologist. I was supposed to observe a class. I was sent to room 214, but I went to room 241 instead. It was a Special Ed class, and I just! I just felt at home."
Thirteen, Time. Heart rate's normal.
Kutner, You can get out now.
Taub, It's not cold agglutinins.
House, I'm not surprised. She obviously has brain damage. [Taub looks at him.] Seriously.
Taub," She screwed up a room number six years ago, and you decide she has brain damage?"
House, Transposed digits. Classic marker for number confusion. Means she has a lesion in her left parahippocampal region.
Kutner, I misdialed a phone number this morning. Must be contagious.
House, She also forgot to pee before your fake test.
Kutner, So she has a small bladder.
House, Shows an inability to predict the future.
Thirteen," Also loCated in the left hemisphere of the brain, close to the parahippocampal region."
House, Means the damage is ongoing.
Taub," Two subtle clues, six years apart. That's hardly compelling evidence."
House, I'm compelled.
Foreman," That's not what this is. Every time a decent person comes in, you set out to prove that they have brain damage."
House, I nEver said her deranged personality was a symptom.
Foreman, You don't need to. I've been here five years. I can hear your thoughts from my apartment.
House, Can you hear me now?
Foreman, Move onto another organ.
House, I did.
Kutner, The screwed up numbers and forgetting to pee points to her being a huMan being. The platelet dysfunction and cardiac arrest points to a pancreatic tumor.
House," Or multiple sclerosis. The brain is like the Internet, packets of information constantly flowing from one area to another. Plaques in her brain are like a bad server, slow down the flow. If it's in the parahippocampus, it'll spread to the brain stem, which means it'll be the lungs next. Brain biopsy will show you the plaques."
Kutner, Or we could not cut into her brain. It's just her pancreas. We should do an ERCP.
House," Well, we could settle this with rock, paper, scissors, but, unfortunately, there are people who adjudiCate these disputes."
Kutner, A pancreatic tumor is much more likely to kill her.
House," Not this week, not next week, not next month."
Kutner, The number confusions six years ago. You don't think we have time for an ERCP?
House," The heart attack was six hours ago. Now, maybe it's planning to go into hiding for a couple years, or maybe it's gonna hit her lungs."
Cameron, Stop! We have to assume it's the brain.
House, I'll go fire up the biopsy drill.
Cameron," No, we had to assume it's the brain until we prove otherwise. Do an MRI, T-2 images."
House, You want me to do another test?
Cameron," You should be able to see the MS plaques. If they exist, you can do your biopsy."
House," No. You wanna say yes. You know you should say yes. But you also think that this job is about standing up to me. So you're not gonna say yes. You're not gonna say no. You're just gonna waste time. And the Patient's brain, or pancreas, or whatEver is wrong with her is not gonna wait for you to impress your boss. So pick one, either him or me."
Cameron, Do the MRI.
Wilson, [looking at his watch] You still here? The whole point of giving Cameron the job was so that you could ÔøΩ
Cuddy," I don't wanna go home. [She puts the carrier down and sits facing Wilson.] House told me I should give her back. Instead of being offended, I've been wondering if he's right."
Wilson," He's not. He nEver is, not when it's anything personal, or huMan, or!"
Cuddy," No, he's always cold. He's always an ass, but he's very rarely just wrong. I've read Every bonding and attachment book there is. I feel like I'm in prison at home. I feel like I'm free here."
Wilson, Parents make sacrifices.
Cuddy, I don't know if I want to. I'm not proud of this. I feel terrible. I feel like a failure. But she deserves to be loved.
Wilson, I! I! I don't know what to say.
Foreman, No plaques on the left hemisphere.
Taub, Or the right.
Kutner," Even magnified images of her hippocampal region, nothing."
House, This is surprising.
Kutner, So can we cancel the biopsy?
House, Go ahead with the ERCP.
Foreman, I need to talk to you about Remy.
House, Who?
Foreman, Thirteen.
House, What did you call her?
Foreman, She's on placebo.
House," And you want to change that. I'm the last person you'd Ever come to for ethical advice, literally, which means you've already asked Every other person, and no one's given you the answer you want."
Foreman," Or I respect your opinion, and I want to hear what comes to your mind."
House, Has she invited any of her lesbian friends into bed with you?
Foreman, I was mistaken. [He starts to leave.]
House, Drug gonna cure her?
Foreman," [turning back] It looks promising, reducing symptoms."
House," No cure then. So, the pros are you might delay the onset of symptoms, give her an extra year, maybe three. She's still dead before you're 45. The question is, are those few years worth risking the rest of your life in medicine?"
Foreman, No.
House," There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
Foreman, Thank you.
House," You're welcome. [Foreman turns to leave again.] Unless you love her. [Foreman turns and stares at House.] If you love her, then you do stupid things."
Kutner, Common bile duct is clear.
Taub, No filling defects in the biliary tree.
Kutner," Oh, God."
Thirteen, What?
Kutner, It's her lungs. House was right. O2 sat's down to 89.
Taub, Increase to 100% O2.
Thirteen, Better get out.
Kutner, Do we have to tell him?
Foreman," The surgeons were able to drain the pleural effusions. The Patient's breathing on her own, but she's still pretty weak."
House," Lung failure proves that one of us was right. Who said ""brain""ÔøΩ?"
Kutner," Yes, you predicted that her lungs would fail, but the MRI was negative for MS."
House," I was right about the where, but not the what. A picornavirus could cause localized demyelination that the MRI wouldn't pick up. If we run a nerve-conduction study on the surface of her brain we'll see the dead spots."
Taub, Are you talking about cutting into her skull?
House," Actually, I'm talking about cutting off her skull, exposing her brain."
Kutner," A pancreatic tumor could still fit. It explains the heart, the blood, and her lungs."
Thirteen, ERCP was negative.
House," [leaning over to hold Thirteen's hands] And she agrees with me because she agrees with me, right, sweetie?"
Kutner, All we need is a more sensitive test. Endoscopic ultrasound.
House, [turning and grabbing one of Kutner's hands in both of his] Just accept that you've been proven wrong.
Kutner, [adding his other hand to the pile] You were also proven wrong. Why don't I get a second test?
House," Because if I'm right about the brain, then we don't have time to indulge your wrongness."
Kutner, [getting up to leave] Let me know when Cameron says yes to cutting off our Patient's skull. I'll be doing the endoscopic ultrasound.
House," Good news. [He comes the rest of the way in.] I don't need your approval for some crazy, unproven treatment. I just need to do a test."
Cameron, You wanna remove your Patient's skull.
House, Remind me to revoke Kutner's telephone privileges.
Cameron, I didn't realize that was an AMA-approved treatment for MS.
House," Not searParkng for MS, but what set it off ÔøΩ equine encephalitis. Turned a cool breeze of MS into a Cat 5 storm."
Cameron, I didn't realize your Patient was a horse.
House, There's been huMan cases.
Cameron, Not when it's 30 degrees outside. Transmission is by mosquito.
House," So she got bitten six months ago, or it's some other infection. WhatEver it is, it's running rampant in the left side of her brain. When I get in there, I'll get you the specifics."
Cameron," You're asking me to let you cut off the top of someone's head. I need more than, ""I'll know it when I see it."""
House, So you want proof before you let me go looking for the proof? This is the test.
Cameron, You have to give me something.
House," Cuddy's gonna love you. The Patient, on the other hand, is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually, this idiot will pRobably forgive you. [He leaves.]"
Foreman, [to Thirteen] You gonna help or what?
Thirteen, I want kids.
Foreman," Um, I think these kids are already spoken for."
Thirteen," Not now. But since we're dating, I just thought you should know."
Foreman," But I thought, because of your illness ÔøΩ"
Thirteen," So did I. Even when I didn't know if I had it or not, I just assumed I couldn't take the chance, but now! Even though I know I have it, it feels like! an option."
Cuddy, You really don't have to keep buying me things.
Wilson, Just open it.
Cuddy, This is nice. [It's a picture frame.]
Wilson," The picture is actually your gift. That's your baby. I took her picture to one of those places that does that age-enhancement thing. And according to the kid who works there, this is a pretty good approximation of what your daughter will look like 18 years from now."
Cuddy," That's, uh, sort of cool."
Wilson," Right now she's just this weird little creature that sleeps and poops and cries. But that! is who she's gonna be. You will be teaParkng her how to ride a bike, giving her advice about friends and school and having her heart broken. She'll ignore most of it, but some of it'll stick. You're gonna be there for her through all of that. You just have to get through this part. That's all."
Cuddy, It's very sweet. I'll pay you back for the photo. [She puts it on the table and looks at it.]
Wilson, Don't worry about it. It's just the picture that came with the frame. You can chuck it.
House, Kid with a raging viral syndrome and three dead mosquitoes. I'm off to storm the Bastille.
Cameron, [looking at a vial inside the baggie] These aren't mosquitoes.
House, Fruit flies. Close enough.
Cameron, Acute viral nasopharyngitis? One of her students has the common cold?
House," Team's not what it used to be. On the other hand, Kutner ran his endoscopic ultrasound, didn't find peep."
Cameron, So disproving it's her pancreas proves it's her brain?
House," Yes. You used to do this job, remember? That's what used to pass for evidence."
Cameron, Now I do this job. You brought me three dead bugs and a runny nose.
House," I can't find you the proof you want because it's trapped inside her head. And the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out, which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do this, or I do nothing."
Cameron, What do you want me to do? Say yes just because you're House?
House," I'd certainly like that, yeah."
Cameron, [handing him back the file] Yes.
Kutner, Cameron actually said yes?
House," Nope, I'm just obsessive about clean cuticles."
Kutner, Sawing off the top of her skull and placing electrodes on her brain is insane.
House," Right, we should be retesting her pancreas for the umpteenth time."
Kutner," You're skipping steps because it's Cameron. You haven't figured her out yet, and you want to see how far you can push."
House, I'm skipping steps because our Patient is skipping steps on the way to being dead. If you've got a better idea!
Kutner," We should remove her spleen. Splenic lymphoma explains the damaged platelets, the heart, the lungs."
House," If this doesn't work, the spleen's all yours. [He heads into the OR] Unless I kill her, of course."
House," Not only will this allow us to clock your brain's processing speed, you'll also get free cable for the first three months. [Sarah laughs slightly. House sits in front of her, wearing a mask but no gloves. He shows her a flash card.] What's this?"
Sarah, A blue car. Is that part of the test?
House," Nope, my lease is up next month. You like? [She smiles wanly.] I'm gonna ask you a series of questions designed to stimulate left-brain function ÔøΩ logic, reasoning, pRoblem-solving. Or as my mentor, Old Ben, liked to call it, ""The dark side."" If we find slow areas, we know we found damage. We treat. You go home. Ready?"
Sarah," I'd nod yes, but I can't move my head."
House, [showing another flash card] This pen is red. Its ink is red. Is all ink red?
Sarah, No.
Cameron, Nerve conduction's 12. 8 meters per second. Right within range.
Kutner, Cameron's letting him cut into our Patient's skull based on nothing but dead bugs and someone else's runny nose.
House," There are two pints in a quart, four quarts in a gallon. How Many pints in five gallons?"
Cuddy," [on the phone via loud speaker] House, step away from the Patient. [Rachel is crying in the background.]"
Sarah, Who's that?
Cuddy," [to Rachel] Okay, all right."
House," That's my old boss. [loudly] And by ""old,"" I don't mean ""former."""
Cuddy, Insulting me is not gonna make me go away.
House, You're not here. Obviously I'm not trying to make you go away. [He holds up another flashcard.] Hint ÔøΩ the answer is a number.
Sarah," Um, 40?"
Cameron, 12.4 meters per second. Conduction is still normal.
Cuddy," Dr. Cameron, you're actually assisting him with this?"
Cameron," Yes, because I'm actually familiar with this case."
Cuddy," [trying to calm Rachel while she talks] Well, I'm familiar enough to know that cutting into this Woman's brain is not necessary."
Sarah, Is she serious?
House," Well, she's certainly not funny. Put the phone down. Pick up the baby. Make us all happy."
Cuddy," [doing just that] Okay, settle down, baby. It's okay. We'll be done in a minute. [over the loud speaker] House, I can call security. I can ÔøΩ"
Cameron, BP's dropping.
House, Get it back up. I got a whole stack of these.
Cuddy, Give her ten CCs dopamine.
Cameron," Already am, thanks. Your baby needs you a lot more than we do."
Cuddy," You aren't hungry, and you aren't wet. I don't know what it is."
Sarah," Oh, that is so annoying. Can you make it stop?"
House, Baby's crying is annoying you? [to Cameron] What's her nerve conduction?
Cameron, 14.3. It's actually speeding up. But her BP's 80 over palp. We're gonna have to stop.
House, That doesn't make any sense.
Cameron," The fact that you're wrong doesn't make any sense, or the fact that beliEved that you were right? BP's still dropping. She's gonna stroke. I'm giving her ten more CCs, and I'm putting an end to this."
Cuddy," Okay, Rachel, quiet down! I need you to be quiet!"
Sarah," Please, turn that phone off!"
House," Why does the baby annoy you, but no one else does? I mean, you're right about her, but ÔøΩ"
Cuddy," [crying] I don't know what you want! I will give you anything that you want! I don't know what it is! Tell me! Please, just help me! Please! [Rachel stops crying.] Really? That worked?"
Cameron, She's stable. We're finished here. Close her up.
Kutner, How long until we can perform the splenectomy?
Cameron, Can't dose her with anesthesia till the last batch completely clears.
House, How come the baby annoyed her?
Kutner, We should get her in there as soon as we can.
Cameron, Two hours at least.
Kutner, Her blood pressure's in the tank. I hope she lasts two hours.
House, What was different? Our Patient loves all things annoying.
Cameron, She'd love this conversation.
House," She's an earth mother, takes in the freaks and rejects of huManity and tells them they're a-okay. So what was different?"
Cameron," Her head was open, you were asking her questions, a baby was crying."
House," She had low blood pressure. According to the laws of physics, low blood pressure causes light-headedness, chest pain, but not annoyance."
Cuddy, Move your feet.
House, You decided to keep her. Thank you for telling me. You can go now.
Cuddy, I talked to her. We connected.
House, You talked at her. You had a chemical reaction.
Cuddy, Are you trying to annoy me?
House, I'm trying to explain you.
Cuddy," I know it doesn't make any sense, but it was real. It was there. You want to hold her? [to Rachel] Come here. Come say hi."
House, [taking the baby] You think we'll bond?
House, Is that cute?
Cuddy, A little.
House," If I threw up on you, you'd be pissed."
Cuddy, Your puke isn't as cute.
House," That's 'cause of your hips. If she would've just gestated a little longer, her stomach sphincter would be fully mature. But, no, we have to walk upright, which means that baby's head is too big for mommy's hips. And by the way, your hips may be an evolutionary improvement. So we've evolved to find baby puke cute, 'cause otherwise we'd kill them all before they became functional. [He freezes, thinking, then stands and starts to leave.] Bonding's over. I got to go see another baby."
Sarah, So I can just live spleen-free?
Kutner, Plenty of people live perfectly normal lives without ÔøΩ
House, [entering] Spleen's fine.
Kutner, It's not her brain.
House, Of course it's her brain.
Kutner, You looked at her brain. You took off her skull. You found nothing.
House," Didn't look in the right part. Didn't look in the heart part. [He grabs the ultrasound wand and runs it over Sarah's chest.] In the womb, blood has to bypass the lungs, since they don't work yet. When we're born, we take our first big breath, lungs expand, and the ductus closes. Yours didn't. [He points at the image on the screen.]"
Kutner, She has a patent ductus arteriosis.
House," When you get stressed, your blood pressure goes up and forces open the ductus. Blood takes a little detour, makes it leak from your nose, your stomach, your lungs, and, more significantly, keeps it flowing to the right side of your brain and away from your left. Which means that when you get stressed, you get unstressed. That's why you're so good with those annoying kids. And why, when your blood pressure dropped, you were able to identify Cuddy as an annoying huMan being. Good news is we can fix the heart. Bad news for the annoying kids. [He leaves.]"
Cameron, She's incredible.
Cuddy, Thank you. Great work today. I should've trusted your instincts. I will in the future.
Cameron, I quit.
Cuddy," I think I just apologized. If you want, I can get down on my knees."
Cameron," It's not because of you. I approved an insane procedure with no proof, no evidence, no ÔøΩ"
Cuddy," You made the right call. The pRoblem was a brain pRoblem. Without the procedure, House nEver notices the increased left-brain function. She'd be dead if you hadn't said yes."
Cameron," I know. But! I'll always say yes to House. I studied under him. He's in my head. And if you gave anyone else this job, they would always say no, because! well, because they should. House is insane."
Cuddy, Which leaves me.
Cameron, I'm sorry.
Sarah," Hey, buddy! [He bumps into the bed tray, spilling a glass of cranberry juice on her.] It's okay, buddy. Come here. [She hugs him.] Oh, I missed you so much. I missed you."
Chef Anthony," The trick to onions ÔøΩ cut them in half length-wise, but leave the roots on. Then make your vertical slices. (He demonstrates the proper method for cutting onions then turns to his assistant Dana, also dressed in white) Need a dozen. Think you can handle this?"
Dana," A dozen is 12, right?"
Chef Anthony," (picking up some greens) Next, we add mustard greens ÔøΩ spicy, and they pack a nice punch. Plus, they're really good for you. Improve mental function, protect against rheumatoid arthritis. Even inhibit certain types of cancer. (to Dana) Are you going to chop those onions or give them a Thai massage?"
Dana," Well, I guess a happy ending is out of the question."
Chef Anthony, I don't recall adding making snide remarks to your list of duties.
Dana, Just taking initiative.
Chef Anthony, (picking up a bowl of mushrooms) Secret ingrEdient: Porcini mushrooms. You want to reconstitute them in bowl of water.
Dana, (trying to keep it together) Just give me a second.
Chef Anthony," You're kidding me, right?"
Dana, So sorry.
Chef Anthony, Are you okay? You want to sit down?
Dana, My lips are blue. Cyanosis. (She puts down the bowl) Pain in my back and chest. Spontaneous pneumothorax.
Chef Anthony, What are you talking about?
Dana, I'm a doctor.
Chef Anthony, You are?
Dana, And I need a doctor.
Foreman, You drool.
Thirteen, Shut up.
Taub," I know gas is expensive, but I could've given you a ride."
House, Elevator's broken.
Thirteen, It was fine when I came up from admitting.
Thirteen," Dana Miller, the cancer researcher. Spontaneous pneumothorax."
House, Awfully thin file.
Taub, She just got admitted.
House, Lots of things can cause pneumothorax. Why don't we let eight or ten other doctors rule out the boring stuff?
Thirteen, We wanna take this case. She's maybe five or ten years away from curing retinoblastoma.
House, (popping what looks like more than one Vicodin pill) Which would make this case attractive to anyone who has some vested interest in people curing the incurable.
Foreman, She hasn't suffered from COPD. She doesn't smoke. She hasn't been scuba diving. O2 sats are low Even after chest tube insertion.
Taub," Pneumothorax could be secondary to a bunch of things. Cystic fibrosis, lung cancer."
Thirteen," Or, to be slightly more optimistic, late-onset asthma triggered by an unknown allergen."
Kutner, We have a case?
House, Did you just get to work?
Kutner, Am I in trouble?
House, Did you take the elevators up?
Kutner, Yes.
Thirteen," (to House) So, steroids for asthma?"
House, Yeah. Do a CT looking for hyperinflation to confirm. (The team files out)
Dana, I thought my hospital was high-tech. I'd have to wait all day for a CT.
Thirteen, Dr. House gets a few perks.
Dana, He has his own scanner?
Thirteen," No, just very loose interpretations of hospital procedure."
Dana," I appreciate the extra effort, but ÔøΩ"
Taub, Our gift to society. We want to get you back to work as soon as possible.
Dana," Well, I'm not working. At least not as a doctor I quit. I left eight months ago."
Thirteen," You mean, like, a sabbatical?"
Dana," I had a uterine myoma. Benign. But it ruptured and I needed emergency surgery. I was lying there on the table thinking, ""I can't die now. I haven't been happy yet."""
Thirteen," Couldn't you just buy an overpriced GerMan sports car, or have an affair?"
Dana, My sports car is doing what I want when I want. Right now I'm learning how to run a kitchen from one of the best chefs in New York.
Taub, You're washing pots and smashing garlic?
Dana," Smashing garlic makes me happy. Before that it was eight years studying, 12 years in that lab. It was always what I was supposed to do, and nEver what I wanted to do. (Taub and Thirteen roll the bed toward the door)"
Cuddy, Come here. Look at this. Come here.
House, Adorable. Elevators keep crashing. Is Mercury in retrograde or what?
Cuddy, Elevators can be capricious. Sometimes it just seems like they're out to get you. She keeps playing with the blanket. Why would she do that?
House, (walking back around to the front of the desk) Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Cuddy," I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter. But then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter, because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because, you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. That's just a theory."
House, You're wrong. I don't Even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it.
Cuddy, I am gonna do my job. It doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment. And it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations. You've officially dragged me down to your lEvel.
House, Okay.
House," (to the custodian) Hey, Blue."
Taub, It's not asthma. Lung volume is normal. She did have a uterine myoma removed eight months ago. Central line IV could have made a hole near the lung that slowly expanded.
Kutner, No pleural thickening. I can't beliEve she quit.
Foreman, People have the right to be happy.
Kutner, I saw a four-year-old with retinoblastoma on my oncology rotation. The cancer had eaten through her eye and into her brain.
Foreman, Horrible diseases exist. It doesn't mean people should give up recreational anything.
Thirteen, Why not? Big picture ÔøΩ I don't care if Jonas Salk's life is a miserable shell. I just want him to cure polio.
Foreman," You can't live your life ""big picture."" You've gotta look out for yourself and the people you care about."
Thirteen," Well, then, why are you a doctor? Why aren't you sitting by a pool in Fiji knocking back mai tais?"
House, People act in their own self-interests. You're all here because you're happy to be here. Or at least because it's your best option.
Kutner, I'm here because I want to help people.
House," No, you're here because it makes you feel good to help people. Taub and Foreman are here because they've got no other viable choices. And Thirteen is desperate to make her life matter before it's over."
Taub, So... you're happy to be here?
House, Does it show?
Kutner, (looking at the scan again) Are those... increased interstitial markings?
Foreman, Could be pulmonary fibrosis.
House," Do a biopsy. (The team files out. House stops Foreman) Foreman. ""You've got to look out for the people you care about."" That wouldn't have anything to do with you screwing over your clinical trial by slipping Thirteen the real drug would it?"
Foreman, You said that would be stupid.
House, Does she know? Because Jonas Salk would not approve.
Foreman, There's nothing to know. (He leaves)
Foreman," (Holding up a card with pictures of a train, a duck, and a piano) Got it? (Thirteen nods and he holds up another card of pictures) Good?"
Thirteen, Yep.
Foreman, You okay?
Thirteen," Just a headache. I took some ibuprofen, but ÔøΩ"
Foreman," Where's the pain, front or back?"
Thirteen, Front. Why are there nEver any interesting pictures on these cards? They should make a dirty version.
Foreman," A sharp pain, or more of a thRobbing ÔøΩ"
Thirteen," Relax, it's not a side effect. People get headaches."
Foreman," True, but I can get you an MRI."
Thirteen," If I'm on the drug, it's been weeks. It's not like something's going to suddenly crop up now."
Foreman, Okay. First card.
Thirteen," Train, duck..."
Foreman, You can't remember?
Thirteen, Piano. (She laughs)
Taub, We need a biopsy to confirm ÔøΩ
Dana, You need an open-lung biopsy to confirm pulmonary fibrosis. That's invasive surgery. I'd be out of commission for weeks.
Taub," No offense, but you're not working. What does it matter if you spend a little time in bed?"
Dana," Not working doesn't mean I don't have places to go. I've got my book group, piano lessons, cooking classes. They make me happy."
Taub, A warm apple fritter makes me happy. It doesn't fulfill me as a person.
Dana, And working here does?
Taub," If it didn't, I'd have found a way to go back to tucking tummies."
Dana," Well, good for you. If your job fulfills you and makes you happy, that's rare."
Taub," I didn't say I was happy. I loved being a plastic surgeon. The money, the life style, and in a lot of ways this job stinks. I'm making five bucks, I'm always annoyed... but ÔøΩ"
Dana," You can look yourself in the mirror and think, ""I did something worthwhile today."""
Taub, Exactly.
Dana, That's important. And I do miss that. But it just wasn't enough anymore. (She pauses and feels the left side of her stomach) That doesn't feel right.
Taub, Sit up.
Dana," Oh, that's weird. (Taub taps her stomach with his fingers and then turns to get a syringe out of a drawer) What is it? Ascites?"
Dana, Ow!
Taub, Your belly's full of blood.
House," First her lung deflates, like me after a cold shower. Now her liver starts to bleed, like me afterÔøΩ"
Foreman, You okay?
House, Great. Just practicing my clown college audition.
Taub, Someone set a trip wire. We were with the Patient the whole time.
Thirteen, We were in the GRC.
House," Lung, liver, go."
Kutner, Shouldn't you be obsessing over who did this to you?
House, Nope ÔøΩ anybody bother MRIing our Patient's liver for tumors?
Taub," Uh, no tumors, no cysts, no clear etiology."
Taub," If you're not obsessing, you must have already figured it out."
House, Yes. So I'm obsessing about why you're not obsessing about why our Patient's liver suddenly sprang a leak.
Foreman," There's a tiny spot on the caudate lobe. Could be a granuloma. (He hands the MRI scan to House) Erodes into the hepatic artery, causes the bleed."
House, (looking at the scan) What caused the granuloma?
Thirteen," Blastomycosis. Could have been asymptomatic for months. It hits her lungs, we give her steroids. It blossoms and attacks her liver."
House," Get a piece of her lung, stick it under a black light. If it glows, sick Parkldren who need her soufflÔøΩs can breathe easier."
House, Foreman.
Foreman, Again?
House, (sitting down behind his desk) You have a pRoblem.
Foreman," I told you, I didn't ÔøΩ"
House, Then you really have a pRoblem. The way she turned her head to look at the MRI... I think she's losing her peripheral vision.
Foreman, Because she turned her head?
House," I'm happy for you. A love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make any assumptions about your feelings for me, but I do have a birthday coming up."
Wilson, I hear Cuddy's SEAL training finally came in handy. Should I be investing in a flak jacket?
House, You're safe.
Wilson," No carpet bombing? No burning of Dresden to teach her a lesson? Well, since you're incapable of taking the high road, I assume there's some deeper, more long-term strategy in effect."
House," Cuddy's not playing games. She's not looking for lEverage. She wants pure, unadulterated vengeance."
Wilson, And your counter-move is to let her have it?
House, The only time to strike back is when I want something. All I want now is to get things back to normal. Which I can't get by escalating. The only way to win this war is to lose it. Let her punch herself out.
Wilson," Yeah, that makes sense too."
House," ""Too""?"
Wilson," I was thinking you actually feel guilty about taking her away from her baby. But your explanation's good too. It's completely inconsistent with your character, but whatEver."
House," Oh, thank you, rationalization Man. You have saved the village. You wanna eat? (He gets down off the exam table)"
Wilson, (picking up the file from the exam table) You forgot your file. (He sees the name on the file) Dana Miller? The cancer researcher?
House, Not anymore. (House opens the door and exits)
Wilson," Dr. Miller, I doubt if you'll remember me ÔøΩ"
Dana," Wilson, right? Parkcago, the adenocarcinoma conference."
Wilson, Impressive. You want some cortisone for that itch?
Dana, Liver failure. ItParkng is one of the lovely side effects.
Wilson, Why did you quit?
Dana," Well, the worst thing is now Every time I get sick, I have to listen to a dozen people Judge me."
Wilson," Do you want me to congratulate you? I've got four kids in pede-onc right now who are gonna die. Three of them within a year, the other in a few days, pRobably."
Dana," Breakthroughs will happen. With or without me, someone will find the answer."
Wilson, Maybe. (He scoffs) I ÔøΩ I... I'm in the trenches. I'm ÔøΩ I'm doing triage as best I can. You had the chance to end the war. How is someone like me supposed to keep fighting when someone like you just... walked away?
Dana," When I left my job, a lot of people were furious with me. It was easier to be angry than to admit they weren't happy. That they were stuck in a rut somewhere in their lives, unable to move forward. What's your rut?"
Rachel," Okay, you're freaking me out."
Taub, Do you think we should have kids?
Rachel, (turning off the TV) We've had this conversation.
Taub, Ten years ago. Things change.
Rachel," On our third date I told you that I didn't want to have kids, and you said that you were okay with that."
Taub, I said it because I wanted to sleep with you. And then I fell in love with you. And I realized that I really could be okay with it. It wasn't like I had this burning desire to have Parkldren.
Rachel," God, have you been resenting me all this time? Is that why ÔøΩ"
Taub, No. Of course not. I'm just... revisiting.
Rachel, (taking his hand in hers) This isn't a whim for me. It's not a decision that I made lightly.
Taub, Don't you Ever wonder what it would be like?
Rachel, All the time. Just not enough to make me want to do it. I like our life. Are you okay? Can I turn the TV back on? (She turns the TV back on and snuggles up close to him)
Foreman, Look straight ahead.
Thirteen, Why didn't we do this test this morning?
Foreman, You see that?
Thirteen, No.
Foreman, Damn.
Thirteen, I'm losing my peripheral vision? (Foreman nods) I am on the drug. Does this mean you have to tell them and take me off it?
Foreman," No, and yes. As far as they're concerned, you're on the placebo. I found out last week. The trial was getting positive results... So I switched you."
Thirteen," So my headaches... I'll stop taking the drug, and Everything should be fine."
Thirteen, (turning back to the test she was performing) Specimen's negative for blastomycosis.
Foreman, That's it?
Thirteen, (getting up to leave) I'll go give House the test results. You can tell the Patient.
Foreman, Hey!
Thirteen, (She stops and looks at him) We've been dating for two weeks. You just broke trial protocol and risked your entire career to give me a drug we're not Even sure will help me. I don't think I'm ready for that. (She leaves)
Foreman, (turning on the light and waking her up) Dr. Miller? I'm sorry. The test was negative. So I'm gonna take you off ÔøΩ what happened to your head?
Dana, I don't know. I was sleeping. It's so itchy.
Foreman, (grabbing a tissue) You were scratParkng it in your sleep. (He dabs at the bloody spot on her head with the tissue) You scratched right through your skull. This is brain matter. Need some help in here!
Taub," I did a free flap closure to avoid any scarring. She was lucky ÔøΩ the scratParkng didn't cause any brain damage. But the first thing she said when we woke her up was, ""It still itches.""ÔøΩ (He sits down beside Kutner)"
House," Itch receptors are only in the top two layers of skin. Which means she's not actually itchy, she just thinks she is."
Taub, So the pRoblem's in her brain?
Thirteen," Thank God we have you here to interpret that for us. Sorry, I have a headache."
Kutner," Could be psychogenic. She made a big, sudden change in her life. Could be the result of a mental imbalance."
Taub, She wants to do what she wants to do. What's crazy about that?
Kutner," Why do you have to quit to do it? If I want to do something, I do it. If you can figure out a balance, there's no burnout."
House," Thanks for the lesson, Deepak. The itParkng started yesterday, not eight months ago. Meningitis, encephalitis... (He snaps the Vicodin bottle shut and pops a/some pill/pills)"
Taub, Those are diffuse processes. This is localized.
Foreman," Could be plaques. MS would explain, possibly the lungs."
Taub, So would a brain tumor.
House," Well, how 'bout we stop guessing and MRI her head instead?"
Foreman, You want to talk about your headaches?
Thirteen, Not particularly.
Foreman," You went off the drug, but the headaches are worse. You need an MRI."
Thirteen," (taking a pill bottle from her locker) The Patient needs an MRI. If she had gangrene, would you be amputating my leg?"
Foreman, Those pills have codeine in them? You're taking twice the indiCated amount.
Thirteen," I've only been off the drug for 24 hours, so I think the bigger issue here is that I've been off you for 24 hours."
Foreman," You have worsening headaches, loss of peripheral vision, and a long history of pretending bad things aren't happening. You really think this is just about my hurt feelings?"
Cuddy, I don't remember demoting you.
House," (pulling a folded up magazine from his hip pocket) I brought you something. The latest issue of ""Parent""ÔøΩ magazine. Really interesting column. Apparently, working moms are actually more engaged and attentive than stay-at-home moms. Something about personal fulfillment."
Cuddy," (grabbing the magazine from him) That's just a rationalization by working moms to justify not being with their kids. Which is fine, if that's what they want. It's not what I want. (looking at the magazine) And this is ""Nurses Quarterly.""ÔøΩ"
House, The point is ÔøΩ
Cuddy, You're only here to get back at me by dumping dirty mop water on my carpet. Just get it over with so I can get back to work.
Foreman, (speaking from the control room) I'm sorry. I figured... only one of us needed to go out on a limb. I thought I could help you.
Thirteen, It's hard to have a conversation when I'm trying not to move.
Foreman," (looking at the monitor) Oh, God."
Taub," Patient's MRI was negative. No tumors, no lesions."
Kutner, Where's your cane?
House, (heading for his office) Where are your coworkers?
Taub, I paged them.
Kutner, It could still be psychogenic.
Taub," Technically, it can't still be that, because it nEver could be that. She scratched through her skull while she was sleeping. Unless she was having a dream about fleas ÔøΩ"
House," (talking to Foreman who has just entered and taken his coat off the rack) Oh, hey, funny you should drop by. We were just talking about this Patient of ours. Tell him the part about where two of her doctors don't show up ÔøΩ (Foreman opens the door to leave) Where are you going? (putting something in his jacket pocket and coming back into the conference room) (to Taub and Kutner) Polyneuropathy. It's not in the brain, it's in the nerves. It explains the itParkng, the lungs, the liver. Shock the affected area, reboot the nerve ÔøΩ she'll be fine."
House, (following Foreman out into the hallway) Foreman. How bad is she?
Foreman, (waiting for the elevator) She's got a tumor in her optic Parkasm.
House, You don't need your coat to treat a tumor.
Foreman, I'm going to the drug company.
House," To tell them that you compromised their trial, your ethics, and the Patient's health? That's a great idea."
Foreman," They have records on hundreds of Patients. I can ask them for access, find out if other Patients dEveloped tumors and how they were treated."
House, This drug inhibits cell death. I think I could take a wild guess at how I treat that.
Foreman, Stop taking it? Yeah. She tried that yesterday.
House," Oh, my God, it's been a whole day, and her brain tumor hasn't melted away? (The elevator arrives) If you get on that elevator, and it's only 'cause you're worried about getting to sleep tonight ÔøΩ"
Foreman," (getting on the elevator) I want to be able to tell her this happened to other people, and they're fine now."
House, So tell her.
Foreman, I'm not gonna lie to her.
House," A little late for that. (House stops the elevator doors from closing) You need to wait. Because if this thing doesn't go away, she's gonna need you to still have a medical license."
Foreman, So I spoke with House. He thinks we should just ÔøΩ
Thirteen, (sitting on the sofa) My leg is bleeding.
Foreman, (squatting down to look at her leg) What happened?
Thirteen," I was going for the phone, and I fell over the table. I can't see."
Foreman, What do you mean?
Thirteen, (sounding scared) I can't see anything.
Wilson, You gonna tip Housekeeping?
House, (looking at his watch) Get it from Cuddy.
Wilson, Don't tell me ÔøΩ she burned your apartment to the ground.
House," (holding his leg and sitting up) Warmth would have been nice. No heat, no power. Apparently Mrs. House called the utilities and told them we were moving."
Wilson, (checking House's cell phone which is lying on the table) You have 17 messages. (tossing the phone to House) And your non-involvement strategy doesn't seem to be working.
Taub," Hang up, he's here."
Kutner, We've been paging you all night.
House," By all means, let's discuss the failed attempts to contact me, not the reason behind them."
Taub, Patient started experiencing spinal shocks before the maParkne was turned on. L'Hermitte's sign.
House," Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss. (He pops a Vicodin)"
Kutner," L'Hermitte's sign could mean Behcet's, B-12 deficiency."
House," No sores, no anemia. Where's Foreman?"
Taub, No idea.
Kutner, Could be another demyelinating disease. Why are you asking about Foreman and not Thirteen?
House, Because both questions are bound to have the same answer. Ebony and ivory are joined near the hip. Forget the brain. Look lower.
Kutner, The spinal tumor wouldn't explain the liver or the lungs.
Taub, But an aggressive spinal heMangioma could.
House, Go find it.
House, You didn't answer the door.
Thirteen, PRobably because I didn't want to talk to anyone. You can leave your stolen key on your way out.
House," I was looking for Foreman. I figured... (He pauses, noticing that she is not looking at him) You can't see. Where is he?"
Thirteen, On his way to the drug company.
House, (grabbing the phone off a table) Tell him to come back. I'll dial.
Thirteen, If they can help.
House," You think that drug company has a magic tumor wand that no one else knows about? You need radiation, not ritual sacrifice."
House, He asked for my advice before he switched you off the placebo. I told him to do it if he loved you.
Thirteen, He only thinks he loves me.
House," It's the same thing. Yes, he's an idiot. You didn't ask him to do anything. You're pissed off that he did. So let him torch his career to pay for his sins. Unless, you actually feel something for the idiot. In which case, you might want to tell him to turn around. (He hands the phone to Thirteen who connects the call)"
Wilson, You're hurting him.
Cuddy," Good, after all the stunts he's pulled on me."
Wilson, You're physically hurting him.
Cuddy, That's the point.
Wilson, What's the point? What do you think you're going to accomplish?
Cuddy, (handing a file to the duty nurse) House shouldn't be allowed to make people miserable without paying for it.
Wilson, You're not miserable!
Cuddy, You're telling me how I feel?
Wilson, You're here because you like this. You like working with him.
Cuddy," Wow, if only I'd known I was having fun, I wouldn't have canceled the bouncy House."
Wilson," Fire him, and go be home with your new baby."
Cuddy, I like what he does for this hospital.
Wilson, What he does is who he is. And the same goes for you.
House," Slow down. Unless you want to radiate her heart instead of her brain. Of course, then your pRoblems would actually all go away."
Foreman, Thanks. I'm not beating myself up enough already over this. Entering the left common carotid.
House, (watParkng the monitor) You broke the rules. Girlfriend went blind. You gotta be ready for losing to be one of the possibilities. You're at the carotid bifurcation.
Foreman, I knew that giving her the drug would be bad for me if I got caught. I nEver thought it would be bad for her. Nobody else was having adverse reactions.
House," You did it because you love her. Ironically, you nEver took her into consideration. Can't wait to see what you get her for your anniversary. Catheter's adjacent to the optic Parkasm. We're in position. (Using tongs, he takes a small vial out of a box and hands it to Foreman) Nukey, nukey."
Kutner, What's going on with Everyone today?
Taub," It involves House, Foreman, and Thirteen, which means it's either dumb, dangerous, or tragic, or a combination. I'm embracing my ignorance."
Kutner, (looking at the monitor) House was right about the heMangioma. Looks fixable.
Taub, (also looking at the monitor) What's that? HeMangiomas travel solo. This thing has brought a friend. Masses in her lungs and spine. One in her pericardium.
Kutner, They're Everywhere.
Taub, Classic mesothelioma. It metastasized outward to the spine and muscles.
House," Ah, the irony of it. Maybe she wouldn't be sick at all if some other lazy cancer researcher hadn't gone home early."
Kutner, Where are Foreman and Thirteen?
House," Shouldn't you be saying, ""Those weren't there when we scanned her two days ago?""ÔøΩ"
Taub, Mesothelioma shouldn't grow this fast.
House, Good rephrasing. Have Wilson do a biopsy to confirm.
Kutner," No. Something weird is going on. It involves our colleagues ÔøΩ we should know. You want us to treat the Patient, tell us what's going on."
Taub," Actually, all he needs us to do is tell Wilson to do something. So... (He leaves)"
Kutner," You always blab to watch people react. So not blabbing means you don't want us to react, which can't be good. Is Thirteen's headache not just a headache? If I check with Admitting, am I gonna find her name?"
Wilson, A little pinch. I'm sorry about the other day. I... unloaded on you. And...
Dana, You're not sorry. You feel bad because mesothelioma means I'm dying. You're a good person. I appreciate the sentiment.
Wilson," I'm not apologizing because you're dying. I'm apologizing because you were right. I am stuck. My girlfriend died. She was the only person I've loved for a long time, and... I'm still living in her apartment. I'm surrounded by her things. I have left it all exactly where it was. I don't know how to get unstuck."
Dana, The only wrong thing is... to do nothing.
Wilson, (nodding) Yeah. (inserting the biopsy needle) All right.
Dana, That's not supposed to happen.
Kutner," Have you thought about going to the drug company, see if they can help?"
Foreman, I thought about it.
Thirteen, We need to give it more time. It's been half a day.
Kutner," This thing keeps growing, there's other stuff in your brain you might need later on."
Thirteen," If I were any other Patient, you'd both be in the lounge, eating donuts."
Foreman, You're not any other Patient.
Thirteen," Right. Any other Patient, you don't feel guilty. But you don't get to torch your career to pay for your sins."
Foreman," House told you to say that, didn't he?"
Thirteen, Does that make it any less true?
Foreman, You think he's right?
Kutner," Who cares? You're a hypocrite. You don't ask her if she wants to be on the drug, but when there's a chance you could help her get better, suddenly you're letting her call the shots? That's not being noble. That's saving your own ass."
Thirteen, I'd feel worse if he destroyed his career.
Wilson, Mesothelioma doesn't bleed.
House, So what causes masses that do bleed?
Wilson, AVM's secondary to sParkstosomiasis.
Taub, She'd be crawling with worms. We'd have noticed it. Gorham's disease and Kasabach-Merritt can both cause super-aggressive vascular tumors. (His pager goes off and he reads it) Patient's heart just stopped. (He takes off toward Dana's room)
House, So what causes that?
Kutner," Cardiac tamponade. She's bleeding into her pericardium, smothering her heart. Syringe."
Kutner, BP's going back up. It's working.
Taub," No, it's not ÔøΩ look."
Taub," We're transfusing platelets, FFP, Everything to try to keep her stable. But we can barely keep up with the blood loss. At this rate, she could be dead by the end of the day."
Kutner," We need to resect the vascular tumors, stop the bleeding."
House, Too late ÔøΩ no surgeon's gonna touch her now.
Kutner, So we give up? Just let her bleed out?
House, Don't be silly. You know what that would do to our malpractice insurance rates? We go on the offensive. Cut off the invading army's supply line.
Taub, You're talking about embolization?
House," Cut off the arteries that feed blood to the tumors, they wither and die. (pushing the elevator button) Start with the ones in her lungs. If they get any bigger, she's gonna have a hard time breathing. So she'll have a hard time telling us she's dead."
Taub, You can't kill the tumors without also killing healthy tissue. If we wipe out 3/4 of her lungs...
House, Let's hope that running marathons wasn't on her happy list. (The elevator doors close)
Cuddy," (holding out the cane) I found this. In the, uh, coat closet. Where I hid it."
House," (taking the cane and holding it up to talk to it) Thought I'd nEver see you again. Little, little Greg. Yeah, you heard me right!"
Cuddy," You are who you are. It's annoying, but... it's not your fault. It isn't about you. I! I! I'm sorry."
House, Because you were doing this job perfectly until the baby came along.
Cuddy, What? I'm apologizing. Can't you just accept my ÔøΩ
House, I accept. We gonna have to do this dance again in 28 days?
Cuddy, What the hell is wrong with you?
House," Yesterday, you hate me. Today, you're practically weeping on my shoulder. I can only assume that what I'm hearing is your aunt flow telling me..."
Cuddy," When I was being a jerk, you suddenly act huMan. But when I act huMan, you turn back into a jerk."
House, Guess our cycles aren't matched up yet.
Cuddy," This is your way of saying you accept my apology, isn't it?"
House," Nope, this is my way of saying you were doing a crappy job before; you will do a slightly crappier job now. Everything keeps going. Nature of life. Nature of parenthood."
Cuddy, Or this whole thing is just an act. And you've gone back to the part you think you need to play.
House," You should go talk to Wilson. Rationalization Man needs a faithful sidekick. Now, Rational Man needs to go save a life."
Taub," House. If you're looking for returnable bottles, Kutner's already cleaned it out."
House," Damn! Oh, well. (Putting his cane in the waste can, he hooks an empty sanitary napkin box and holds it up) That means the only thing I'm gonna get out of this... Is a diagnosis. (He flips the box to Taub)"
Kutner, So the nurses gave her pads instead of tampons. Is that diagnostically relevant?
House, Fact that the nurses had to give her anything is. Means she's bleeding from her uterus. (He goes over to the foot of the bed)
Taub, Women do that. It's perfectly natural. Not scary at all.
House," She menstruating and, she's bleeding Everywhere. There's about a 3 or 4 in 28 chance it's a coincidence. Which leaves a much bigger chance that the diagnosis is ectopic endometriosis. She had a myoma eight months ago. Surgeons cut through her uterine wall. Every cut of the scalpel could have sent endometrial cells spilling out into her bloodstream. Some of them took up residence in her lungs, some in her liver, some in her spine. And like all horny little cells, they went forth and multiplied till they reached a critical mass. In the days leading up to her next period, when her uterus is supposed to swell, Everything swelled. And when her uterus was supposed to bleed, Everything bled. Yes, ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period Ever. Although, frankly, not by all that much. Cut out the masses, she'll be fine."
Taub, Can't do surgery until her cycle's over and she stops bleeding.
House," Well, let's hope she can hold out till then. In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a DVD of ""Beaches""ÔøΩ. (He leaves)"
Foreman, I'm sorry.
Thirteen, Foreman? I can see you.
Taub, How you feeling?
Dana," Relative to the last few days, awesome."
Taub, You almost died. For the second time in eight months.
Dana, I know.
Taub, How do you feel about your life choices this time?
Dana," I didn't lie there thinking ""what if?"""
Taub," I always worry, on my deathbed I'll think, ""I didn't do anything really important."""
Dana," You're gonna spend one day of your life on your deathbed. The other 25,000 are the ones we should be worrying about. Go to bed happy tonight."
Foreman," Dr. Schmidt. It's Foreman. Uh, actually, the trial isn't going too well."
House," You told them, didn't you? (Foreman nods) Well, you really had no choice... On account of being an idiot. They gonna pull the drug?"
Foreman," I broke protocol. Her results are no longer admissible to the trial. They don't have to do anything. Anyone else gets a tumor, they'll put a warning on the label."
House, Gonna keep your license?
Foreman, They'll come after me if I attempt to participate in any more trials.
House," That's very decent of them. (He puts the wallet back into the pocket) Well, good for me. (He closes the locker door) I'll see you tomorrow. (He puts the money in his pants pocket) And the next day. And the next day. (He moves toward the locker room door)"
Foreman," That wasn't your locker, was it?"
House, It's a lock-er room. How else are they gonna learn? (He leaves)
Rachel, Do you think you can't be happy without a kid?
Taub, I don't know. I know I can't be happy without you.
Thirteen, You snore.
Foreman, Shut up.
Daniel," It's okay, Eileen. I got this."
Eileen, Are you sure?
Daniel, Yeah. You get home.
Eileen," Thanks, Danny. See you in the morning."
Daniel, I'll be here.
Daniel," Food's gone, Daryl. We're closed."
Daryl," You wouldn't happen to have an extra coat in there, would you?"
Daniel, You're wearing a coat.
Daryl," A winter coat, Man. It's cold."
Daniel, Come on. (Daniel rummages through some bags of donated clothes and comes up with a sweatshirt. He hands it to Daryl) Here.
Daryl," (looking at the back of the sweatshirt) Rangers? You expect me to wear this in Jersey? (He gets no response from Daniel) Come on, Man, where's your sense of humor?"
Daniel," Good night, Daryl."
Daniel, Go away.
Daniel," That's not funny, freak."
Christ," No one is laughing, Daniel."
Cuddy, You doing anything Friday?
House, Taking a lovely young lady to the Philharmonic.
Cuddy, That your way of saying you're having sex with a hooker?
House, Two. Can't create a harmonic with just one.
Cuddy," Well, I was hoping you might be available for Rachel's Simchat Bat. It's a!"
House," Jewish baby-naming ceremony, a time-honored tradition dating all the way back to the 1960s."
Cuddy, My House at 7:00. It'll just be the rabbi and a few friends and some family.
House, Nothing like welcoming a baby into the world with a completely naked display of hypocrisy.
Cuddy, There'll be plenty of wine and nice people you can quietly mock.
House," Wish I could, but I already put down a deposit on 16 crates of Jell-O."
Cuddy, House! It's one Evening. I'd like you to be there.
House," Religious hokum, get sponge bath. Can I get back to you?"
Cameron, Can I help you?
House, Just browsing. Thanks. Happy to be underaParkeving again?
Cameron, Running the ER is slacker heaven. Looking for anything in particular?
House, (looking at a file) Not anymore. Where's this guy?
Cameron, Why?
House, 'Cause he's my next Patient. It'd be rude of me not to introduce myself.
Cameron, He's a drunk priest who hallucinated Jesus.
House, Afraid you might have missed something?
Cameron, Afraid you're wasting Everyone's time? It's obviously either alcohol or exhaustion.
House, So you admit you have no idea which?
Cameron, I admit that I'm too busy to care who you're screwing with. (She walks away)
House, Don't thank me. Just knowing I can be of assistance is thanks enough.
Taub, You went out of your way to pick him? This is nothing.
House, There are no small cases. Any guesses where this joke is going?
House, Could be psychomotor epilepsy!
Taub, Could be alcohol. Shouldn't we let the ER rule the obvious out ÔøΩ
House," Atropine toxicity, occipital lobe tumor."
Kutner, You know something about this case you're not telling us?
House, Why would you think that?
Thirteen, 'Cause you want to screw with us.
Kutner, Or screw with a hallucinating priest.
House, Both are possible. There's only one day to find out. Run an EEG for epilepsy. CT his brain for tumors. And go check his House Of God for toxins.
House," Fourteen, hold up. (Thirteen and Foreman stop) This department is broken, (House sits down at the head of the table) and I'm not gonna take a real case until it's fixed. Job or relationship ÔøΩ your choice."
Foreman, What?
House," To put it in terms you might better understand, if you don't split, you must quit."
Foreman," The drug trial is over. I'm out, she's out."
House, Don't care.
Thirteen, We're adults. We can handle this. You just have to give us a chance.
House," No, you're not. No, you can't. And no, I don't. Mull it over. You got until the end of this fake case to decide."
Daniel, I wasn't drunk. I had one or two drinks.
Taub, People often underestimate alcohol's effect on their ÔøΩ
Daniel, I was on my way to six. I know how alcohol affects me. This wasn't the alcohol.
Kutner," (looking at Daniel's file) You lived in Manhattan for three years. Then a year in Oregon, 18 months in New Mexico, less than a year in Wisconsin, and now you've been living in Trenton for the last six months."
Daniel, Yep.
Kutner," The more we know about you, the more likely it is we can help you."
Daniel," Mm, it's not medically relevant, so ÔøΩ"
Taub, No way to know unless you went to medical school.
Daniel," Four years ago, a teen in a youth group at my church accused me of inappropriate contact. I was innocent, but the church decided to transfer me, said it would be easier for all involved. When the parishioners at the new church got wind of why I'd been transferred, they were unhappy. I was sent off again and again, and how is any of that medically relevant?"
Taub, So the kid lied?
Daniel, He was confused.
Taub, Confused whether you molested him or not?
Daniel," Okay, you wanted to know why I moved around so much, and I told you. How about telling me why I was hallucinating?"
Taub, Syphilis could explain the hallucination.
Daniel, I'm not sexually active.
Taub, You don't have to admit you did anything with the kid. You weren't always a priest.
Daniel, I wanted to be since I was 12. I entered the seminary when I was 17.
Taub, Maybe it wasn't a hallucination. Maybe it really was Jesus.
Daniel, I'm not insane.
Kutner, Seeing Jesus makes you insane? A bit of an odd attitude coming from a priest.
Daniel," Well, it's just a job now. The fairy tale ended a long time ago."
House," You're a wuss ÔøΩ part wimp, part puss."
Wilson, I have no choice. I'm part of the ceremony.
House, I thought you were already circumcised.
Wilson, It's one night for a friend.
House, What about the friend who has two tickets to Brubeck at the Blue Note?
Wilson, I thought you had an orgy planned.
House, I lied.
Wilson, Are you lying about the Brubeck tickets?
House," Yes, but only to save you from yourself."
Wilson," I'll be fine, and so will Cuddy if you don't show up. I'm surprised she Even invited you."
House, (wondering) It is oddly flattering.
Thirteen," God, I'm so sick of his stupid stunts."
Foreman, Everybody has to put up with their boss's stupid stunts.
Thirteen," No, they don't. There's HR. There's Cuddy. There's other jobs."
Foreman," House doesn't listen to HR. Cuddy will let him fire us before she fires him, and I don't want another job."
Thirteen, Why do you cling to him? Why do you defend him?
Foreman, Just because I don't want to be unemployed doesn't mean I'm codependent.
Thirteen, I'm not saying you're codependent. I'm saying you're scared.
Foreman, You know what? You're right.
Thirteen, So you wanna quit?
Foreman," No, I wanna stop a stupid stunt. House doesn't want either one of us to quit. He wants this. He's got two lab rats in a maze and thrown in one piece of cheese."
Thirteen, S ÔøΩ so what do we do?
Foreman, Nothing.
House, Cool.
Taub, It's cool he's a Parkld molester?
House, It's cool the priest doesn't beliEve in God. It's cool that God did to him what he did to the kid.
Kutner, Allegedly.
House, You think he's innocent?
Taub, He had honest eyes?
House," And you think he's guilty, which explains why you're dying to discharge him."
Taub," I'm dying to discharge him because he's not sick, not because he's a pedophile."
Kutner, Allegedly.
Taub, You actually beliEve the kid got confused?
Kutner," If Everybody lies, that includes teenage boys."
House, Aren't we lucky to have such an interesting Patient?
Taub, Had ÔøΩ there's nothing wrong with him.
House," The world's most boring case just became a page turner, you want to tear out the last chapter?"
Taub," You want to examine his character, go to a soup kitchen. We are done testing him for things he doesn't have."
House," (to himself) Bad news for Foreman and Thirteen. (He gets on the elevator, leaving Kutner and Taub looking puzzled)"
House, Case is over.
Thirteen, We're not splitting up.
House, So which one of you is taking a hike?
Foreman, And neither of us is quitting.
House, Interesting.
Foreman, You were fine with Chase and Cameron dating. You obviously don't actually have an issue ÔøΩ
House, (to Foreman) You're fired.
Foreman, How long are you gonna keep this up? We know you're not ÔøΩ
House," Wrong. Again. In fact, in the last few weeks, it's hard to remember a correct call you made. If Chase had compromised his professional judgment to help Cameron, I'd have fired his ass, too."
Foreman," When my mistake blew up, you did Everything to keep me from contacting the drug company."
House," To save your license, not your job, and definitely not your relationship. So, badge. (He holds out his hand)"
Foreman, Fine.
House, Why don't you see if you can find us a real case. (She leaves)
Daniel, How can you discharge me when you have no idea what's wrong?
Taub," We know what's wrong, and now that you've slept it off!"
Daniel, It's not just a hallucination. I feel nauseous. My foot feels numb like it's fallen asleep.
Kutner, You didn't mention that before.
Daniel, I didn't notice it before.
Taub, Are you hiding from someone? Why are you so intent on staying here?
Daniel, I don't feel well. I know there's something wrong with me.
Kutner, Which foot?
Daniel, My left.
Kutner," Oh, God."
Daniel, What the hell is that? What is that?
Kutner, Your toe just fell off.
House," Must be my lucky day. New symptom means the old symptom was a real symptom, and I get to keep our pederast priest after all."
Kutner, Where are Foreman and Thirteen?
House, They left.
House, Leprosy can cause necrosis and hallucination.
Taub, Why would they leave?
House," Because Foreman doesn't work here anymore, and Thirteen is mad that I fired him. Don't worry. She'll be back. (House puts away the marker and leans on the whiteboard, staring at it) She'll be pissed off. She'll want to take a stand. And then Foreman will convince her that there's no reason both of them should be out of a job."
House, Leprosy's a bad fit.
Kutner, Why'd you fire Foreman?
House, I gave him a choice ÔøΩ split or quit. He chose neither. What about ergotism?
Taub, He's giving up his career for her?
House," He's giving up this career for her. No, normal white blood count. Carbon monoxide poisoning?"
Kutner, They're good doctors.
House," (turning around to face Taub and Kutner) Separately, they're great doctors, better than you. Together, they're morons. Go check out the House that they would've checked had this been a real case. And page Thirteen, tell her to run the blood for CO. And get the priest in a hyperbaric chAmber before anything else falls off."
Thirteen, So what are we gonna do now?
Foreman, I get a letter of recommendation from Cuddy and find a new job.
Thirteen, That's it? You're just gonna give up?
Foreman, House is right. Our relationship did affect my judgment.
Thirteen, Then I should quit. It'll be easier for me to find another job.
Foreman, Not like this one.
Thirteen, We should both quit.
Foreman, What's that gonna accomplish? Don't worry. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.
Foreman, Go ahead.
Thirteen, I'll see you tonight?
Foreman, I'll be home early. (She gives him a quick goodbye kiss and leaves)
Kutner, You really think House is done with Foreman?
Taub," If you ask me, Foreman should be done with Thirteen. He's not gonna get a better job, which means he'll end up resenting her for losing this one, which she'll end up resenting. (As he talks, he is examining the items in the refrigerator)"
Kutner, Or the hardship'll bring 'em closer together. She'll invite friends over for Foreman to share. (checking with a CO detector) No leaks in the heater.
Taub," She's not a nympho. She's bisexual, which, by the way, means she's accustomed to partners who don't need a map to find the treasure."
Taub, (picking up a pack of cigarettes) CO poisoning might have come from these cigarettes.
Kutner," Not unless he was smoking them in a bell jar. And Even if you know where the treasure is, it can still be pretty hard to dig it up without a shovel."
Taub, You can buy a shovel.
House," Let's see! How do I keep House from ruining my precious display of religious hypocrisy? I know, I'll pressure him to attend, knowing that he'll nEver agree to anything I actually want him to do."
Cuddy, I didn't pressure you. I invited you. And there's nothing hypocritical about recognizing your heritage.
House," So you keeping kosher now, wearing four-cornered garments, slaughtering heifers to the god Ra? Wait, is that one your people? Do it all, do nothing, or option ""C"" ÔøΩ you're a liar and a hypocrite."
Cuddy," House, for better or for worse, you are a part of my life. It isn't a ploy. It's a sincere invitation. I honestly want you to come."
House, Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Cuddy, I'm glad.
Cuddy," You idiot. I was free and clear. Now he's coming, and it's your fault."
Wilson, Since when have your failed attempts at communication through lies become my fault?
Cuddy," Since you forgot how to keep your mouth shut. You messed it up, and now you're gonna fix it. And you're gonna keep my name out of it. (She leaves)"
Kutner, How is he?
Thirteen, Stable. Necrosis doesn't look to be spreading.
Kutner, I was talking about Foreman. Is he really gonna leave?
Thirteen, That's usually what people do when they get fired.
Kutner, Why are you biting my head off? I was just wondering what he was gonna do.
Thirteen, You're right. I'm sorry. It's not your fault.
Taub," It's not House's fault either. He gave you guys a chance, you blew it."
Thirteen," Uh, he didn't give us a chance, he gave us an ultimatum. I would've thought five years here would buy a mistake or two."
Daniel, Help me! Help me! I can't breathe! Feels like something's on my chest!
Kutner, Looks like a heart attack.
Foreman, I assume you've heard.
Cuddy, I can't override him.
Foreman, I'm not asking you to override him. I'm asking for a letter of recommendation.
Cuddy," Eric, the reality here is! House should've fired you. You falsified medical records, put this hospital's reputation in jeopardy. You're lucky you still have a license."
Foreman, I can't get a decent position at another hospital without a recommendation.
Cuddy, I'm sorry.
Taub, Chest pain wasn't angina. EKG ruled out heart attack.
House," So the good news is, he didn't have a heart attack. The bad news is, I apparently fired the only guy who actually knows what a heart attack looks like. So the Man of God who doesn't beliEve in God had a heart attack that isn't a heart attack. Do I know how to pick awesome cases or what? Could be a clotting disorder."
Kutner," Three different symptoms, three different clots?"
House," I know. How cool is that? You two do an angio. (to Thirteen) You don't want to work, so why don't you just go get me a lottery ticket? The sicker he gets, the luckier I feel."
Kutner, Where are you going?
House, I've been wanting to introduce myself. (He walks out)
House, Are you really a virgin?
Daniel, You have to treat me. You don't have to beliEve me.
House," And before we treat you, we have to diagnose you. Not knowing whether we can beliEve you is making that difficult."
Daniel, Everything I've told you is true.
House, You lost your faith because a teenager got confused?
Daniel," And the church abandoned me, and my God forsook me, and I couldn't come up with a reason why God would do that."
Kutner, (watParkng the monitor) God gave the church and the kid free will. Their exercise of that free will hurt you. Means you're just a victim of God's gift to Mankind.
Daniel," Oh, yeah. God wants life to have meaning. Life's meaningless without free will. With free will, there's always suffering. So, God wants suffering. I got tired of that argument before I Even finished saying it. And Even if I bought that, what the hell is God doing? You know just the big stuff? The acts of God, the hurricanes, the earthquakes, the random killings of millions of innocent people. Then we better damn pray."
House," God, I wish you weren't a pedophile."
Taub," (looking at the monitor) Lungs are clean. No embolism. No pleurisy, no pneumonia."
Kutner, I'm sorry. This is gonna hurt.
Daniel," No, it's fine."
Kutner, No pain at all?
Daniel, No. Why?
House, Because there should be. (putting his finger on Daniel's chest) You feel that?
Daniel, No.
Kutner, Regional anesthesia is a new symptom.
House," Not if the chest pain is related to the numbness. It's not circulatory. It's neurological. Run a nerve-conduction study. And be careful. If you kill him, he'll be dancing with the dark one. (House leaves)"
Wilson, Why the hell are you going to Cuddy's baby naming? (They stop walking) It's a religious ceremony. It's boring. Why waste a good Evening that could be much better spent in a drunken stupor feeling sorry for yourself?
House, Okay.
Wilson," Okay? Okay, you won't go?"
House," Okay, your obligation to Cuddy is fulfilled."
Wilson, (heaving a sigh of frustration) Why are you doing this?
House, Why did Hillary conquer Everest?
Wilson," You always have a reason. It's usually a bad one, but a reason."
House, She's being Parkldish.
Wilson," See, that's an example from the bad Category. Is it resentment? The stork brought home a new baby, and you don't want to share mommy? Or you just can't stand to see others happy?"
House," She's trying to play me. If I let her succeed, the terrorists win. (He enters his office)"
Thirteen, I heard there might be an opening in the ER.
Cameron, Foreman's a neurologist. That's not where he ÔøΩ
Thirteen," I did an ER rotation in Miami. If I can find another position, I figure House will rehire Foreman."
Chase, (getting up to get some more coffee) Don't quit.
Thirteen, Cuddy wouldn't give Foreman a recommendation. He's not gonna be able to find a decent job.
Chase, Foreman shouldn't leave either.
Cameron, You think they should split up?
Chase, Office roMances are a bad idea. (Cameron looks at him questioningly) We beat some very long odds.
Cameron," Wow, why don't you save the gushy stuff for the wedding? (to Thirteen) House is playing with you. If you let him get away with it, he's not gonna respect you anyway."
Chase, Or House is helping you. He knows it pRobably won't work out. And he's actually doing you a favor.
Cameron," Yeah, that sounds a lot more like House. (to Thirteen) I know they're looking for someone at Mercy. I'll make a call."
Daniel, Your boss always like that?
Kutner, Usually worse. Finding a fellow atheist always makes his day. Think it's possible maybe God's testing your faith?
Daniel," No, I already failed. There'd be no point in what he's doing to me now."
Taub, Got something. Looks like intercostal neuralgia.
Daniel, What's that?
Kutner, Something's traumatizing one of the nerves that runs along your ribs. Explains the chest pain and numbness. Could also cause muscle atrophy.
Daniel, (blinking) Does it do anything to the eyes?
Kutner, Why? What's wrong?
Taub, Are you seeing Jesus again?
Daniel, I'm seeing nothing. My right eye went blind.
 The whiteboard now lists," ""hallucination,""ÔøΩ ""necrosis,""ÔøΩ ""chest pain,""ÔøΩ and ""blindness]"
Taub, Ophthalmological exam's normal. Nothing structurally wrong with the eye.
Kutner," His heart rate's down. Sensory loss is becoming more diffuse, progressive muscle weakness ÔøΩ he's shutting down."
Thirteen," It's got to be something systemic, like autoimmune."
Taub, CSF was clear for Guillain Barre.
Thirteen, Cancer?
Taub, Imaging studies have been clear for tumors.
Thirteen, Then that leaves infection.
Kutner, He'd be brimming with white blood cells.
House, Or we are at the back stage door of a Duran Duran concert. Hundreds of screaming girls clustered around. What does that mean?
Kutner, That girls like rock bands.
House," The presence of the fans indiCates the presence of the band. Different night ÔøΩ same band, same door. Now there's not a girl in sight. What does that mean?"
Thirteen," Sorry, I don't speak hair band."
Kutner, They weren't a hair band. They were new roMantics. The band already left?
House," Nope, the band's still there, still rocking out. When does the absence of the fans not indiCate the absence of the band?"
Thirteen, When it's 2009. There aren't any Duran Duran fans.
House," They don't make 'em anymore. If there's no infection, it's because there aren't any fans, no white cells."
Taub," You think, his spleen?"
House," Why do I bother with these great metaphors if I still have to spell it out? Yes, I think it's his spleen. Go get a biopsy. I'll try to get ""New moon on Monday"" out of my head."
House, Why are you talking this time?
Thirteen," (sitting down at the table) If I quit, will you rehire Foreman?"
House, Why?
Thirteen, He can't find another job. I can.
House, And you're willing to make that sacrifice for him?
Thirteen, Yes.
House, Does Foreman know about this plan?
Thirteen, Yes.
House," Well, if he's okay with it, who am I to say no?"
Kutner, Hold still.
Daniel, You think it's my spleen?
House," That's what they're testing. So if I happen to cure you, what happens then? You start thinking that God was working through me? This is some sort of miracle?"
Daniel, Do you think I'm an idiot?
House, That's what I'm testing.
Daniel, Losing my faith wasn't a choice I made. It happened. It's gone. For good.
House," But if it can magically disappear, it can magically reappear, and that's what you're hoping. Your job!"
Daniel, Sucks.
House," That's my point. You can make more money frapping decafs, and yet you're still ministering to the meek. Why do the lord's work if the lord has left the building?"
Daniel, I've been with the church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.
House, I detect the stink of leftover faith.
Daniel," You want to talk hypocrisy, what about you? You act like you don't care about anyone, but here you are saving lives."
House, Solving puzzles. Saving lives is just collateral damage.
Daniel," Yeah, nice try. I don't think you're looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong, to give you hope. You wanna beliEve, don't you?"
House," Yeah, I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees, but I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go forniCate with fruit. (He leaves)"
House," Hey, I was just talking about you! Not you specifically ÔøΩ whores and hypocrisy."
Cuddy," You were right. I don't want you there. (They stop walking) It's a special occasion filled with love and acceptance, and the last thing I need is someone there who's filled with loathing and contempt."
House, Okay.
Cuddy, That's it? You're really not coming?
House, I'm really not coming.
Cuddy, Thank you.
House," You're welcome. Gosh, I feel so grown up."
Kutner," (to Thirteen) He's obviously just jerking you around, wants to see if you're serious. If you just stick it out, I think he'll bring Foreman back."
Taub," I don't, and Even if I'm wrong, I think you should still split up. It's just a matter of time before one of you finds the other in bed with another Woman."
Kutner, This coming from the relationship expert.
Taub, 12 years and counting.
Thirteen," Hey, if you can make it that long, then anyone can."
Taub, Funny how the two people in the room who think relationships are easy are both single.
Kutner," I don't think they're easy. That's why I think if you find something that could be good, you should hang onto it."
Taub, Everything could be good. Very little Ever is.
Thirteen," (looking at the monitor) His spleen is fine, just some insignificant traces of minor bugs. Nothing that'd make him sick."
Taub, Which minor bugs?
House, Why do people suddenly find religion when they have kids?
Daniel, Fear of the unknown. Cornerstone of faith. I think it makes perfect sense.
House, So it makes sense because it doesn't make sense.
Daniel," The fact that you're railing about it doesn't make a lot of sense. You really got a thing for your boss, huh?"
House, I've got a thing for my boss's thing. She doesn't have a thing! per se. I'm big on metaphors. What about you? 29 years of celibacy. What's holding you back now?
Daniel, Who wants a relationship with a priest?
House, Who wants a relationship?
Taub, House?
Taub, It's the holy water.
Thirteen," We assumed if it was an infection, it had to be something big and nasty."
Taub," But he has pneumocystis, a harmless bug that's Everywhere and nEver makes anyone sick, unless they have a compromised immune system."
House, (looking at Daniel through the glass) So father Nietzsche has AIDS.
Daniel, Impossible. I've nEver had a blood transfusion. I've nEver done IV drugs. I've nEver had sex.
Taub, So prove it. Have an AIDS test.
Daniel, No. I know I don't have AIDS.
Kutner, We can't treat you until we know what it is.
Daniel," A negative result proves nothing. On the off chance it's a false positive, I perManently lose any credibility I have left."
Taub, I'd say you just lost that.
Daniel, (angrily) I'd say I lost that with you a long time ago.
Taub, We should start treatment for AIDS.
Kutner," We need to be sure. The antiretrovirals could fry his heart, his liver, his kidneys."
Taub, I'm willing to take that chance.
Kutner, Big of you.
Taub, I'm more worried about the kid he molested. We should be finding him and getting him tested.
Kutner, You don't think he already got tested?
Taub," Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but that's a chance I'm not willing to take."
Kutner," Legally, we can't inform sexual partners about STDs."
Taub, This isn't some middle-aged barfly who likes it bareback. This is an innocent kid who was molested.
Kutner," You just want to rub the priest's face in it, get him transferred again."
Taub," Yeah, heaven forbid a diddler has job issues."
House, (now standing behind his desk) And you get brought up on charges. I've lost enough doctors this week. Treat him for AIDS. (He sits down behind his desk. Taub and Kutner leave)
Thirteen, I found a job.
Foreman, I didn't know you were looking.
Thirteen, Eggers at Mercy says I can start Monday.
Foreman, Why would you ÔøΩ
Thirteen," House says if I go, you can come back."
Foreman, It's been less than two days. Give up on me that fast? You get a job behind my back?
Thirteen, You're acting like I'm cheating on you.
Foreman, I said I would handle this.
Thirteen, House knew you'd be like this.
Foreman, Wow. I guess House knows me better than you do. Too bad I don't go both ways.
Thirteen, Good night. (She gets up from the table)
Wilson, Don't you hate when they put the mushrooms underneath the cheese?
House," Your attendance is validating her hypocrisy. If she invited you to a ceremonial lynParkng, would you go?"
Wilson, It would depend on what she was serving. Everyone's a hypocrite. Why are you suddenly so obsessed with Cuddy's particular brand?
House, Just making conversation. Would you rather we go back to talking about mushrooms and cheese?
Wilson, (pointing a finger at House) You're the hypocrite! You want to go! You don't resent this baby. You wanna be a part of it.
House," Yes, but not until her 16th birthday! in some states."
Wilson," This is ridiculous. You two deserve each other. If you wanna go, just go and act like a huMan being."
House," Wow, solid advice, except for two things. I'm acting like I don't wanna go because I don't wanna go, and! (He surreptitiously swipes some food off of the tray of a boy who is walking by) I am incapable of acting like a huMan being. (House takes a bite of the food he swiped and glances back toward the boy)"
Taub, (approaParkng the boy) Ryan?
Ryan, Yeah.
Taub, I'm Dr. Taub. Can we talk? (They shake hands)
Ryan, Yeah. What's wrong?
Taub," Uh, in private?"
Ryan, Nobody's listening to us here.
Taub," Um, I work at Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. I have some news about father Daniel Bresson."
Ryan, What about him?
Taub, We beliEve he has AIDS.
Ryan," Okay, so?"
Taub," Well! uh, given the incident four years ago, I think you should be tested, unless you've already done so."
Ryan, How sick is he?
Taub, Very.
Ryan," Okay. Well, um, thanks."
Taub, Have you been tested?
Ryan," Uh, yeah."
Taub, And?
Ryan, And it really isn't any of your business.
Foreman, I want my job back.
House," Love, sacrifice, deception, and now betrayal. This is better than a telenovela."
Thirteen, What going on?
House," Well! either Foreman is here, as the two of you discussed, to beg for his job back in exchange for me dumping you, or! nothing."
Thirteen, (to Foreman) You're trying to get me fired?
Foreman," I'm suggesting you quit and I stay, which is exactly what you suggested last night."
Thirteen, I told Eggers I didn't want the job.
Foreman, Find another one. Only took you eight hours to find that one.
Thirteen," The point is, why didn't you tell me you were doing this? Why are you here without me?"
Foreman, You're overreacting. We'll talk about this later.
Thirteen," Oh, that's what this is about. It's about you taking control. It's about you not being able to handle me saving your ass."
Foreman, And you're not being controlling right now?
House, Yeah! Who's the controlling bitch now?
Foreman," House, shut up."
Foreman, You nEver wanted to take that other job. You nEver wanted to save me. You wanted to offer to save me so you wouldn't feel guilty. You knew I'd say no. That's why you're so mad right now.
Thirteen, You're an idiot. (She walks out of the office)
House," Well, either you can go after her and try and patch things up, or you blow her off and take your old job back."
House, Welcome back.
Daniel, AIDS meds aren't gonna work.
Kutner," If you'd let us do a test, we could stop treating you, or you could stop lying."
Daniel, (looking uncomfortable) I know the feeling.
Kutner, BP's climbing. You feeling okay?
Daniel," No, I feel flushed. Ah, I'm burning all over. Ah, my chest. (He pulls open his hospital gown to rEveal a rash on his chest)"
Taub, It's not a new symptom. It's just a reaction to the AIDS meds.
Kutner," Yeah, he reacted by getting worse. Means it's not AIDS."
House, So went Satan forth from the presence of the lord and smote Job sore with boils.
Taub, You think it's hyper-IgE syndrome?
House," I prefer the colloquial term ""Job syndrome."" Explains the symptoms, and my quote."
Kutner, That's the first thing I checked. IgE lEvels are normal. Could be some other genetic disorder.
Thirteen, Cerebral microtumors could explain the blindness and the hallucinations.
Foreman, We didn't find any tumors.
Thirteen," That's why I didn't say ""tumors."" I said ""microtumors."""
Foreman," So your explanation doesn't depend on us being major morons, just morons?"
Thirteen, We should start genetic testing.
Foreman, It takes too long.
Thirteen, So we start treatment.
Foreman, Treatment is surgery. We can't open him up without confirmation.
Thirteen, So your position is we can't test and we can't treat?
Foreman, My position is you're wrong.
Thirteen, This isn't gonna work.
House, Are you kidding? I've nEver felt more alive. Conflict breeds creativity. Go run the genetic tests.
Kutner, On it.
Daniel, So now you don't think I have AIDS?
Taub," I still think it's AIDS. On the off chance it isn't, we're pursuing other avenues."
Taub, (approaParkng Ryan) Ryan.
Ryan," He's, um! he's dying?"
Taub," Uh, we don't know what's wrong with him."
Ryan, Can I speak to him?
Taub, I don't think that's a good idea.
Daniel, Ryan?
Taub," Um, why don't I get you ÔøΩ (Ryan moves toward Daniel's bed) Come on, Ryan, now's not a good time."
Ryan, (to Daniel) I'm sorry! (pause) For Everything. (Ryan gets down on his knees beside the bed) I'm sorry.
Daniel, (He puts his hand on Ryan's head) I know. I know.
Wilson, Any second thoughts about Cuddy?
House," Nope. But please, feel free to blather on."
Wilson," Raising a Parkld on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what Everyone does ÔøΩ trying to avoid pain."
House, Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses. If you're saying she's not a hypocrite ÔøΩ
Wilson, I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisy so you don't feel like a hypocrite for going.
House," Oh, sorry. Continue."
Wilson," Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it, and you can't condemn her for recognizing that."
Wilson, Are you eliminating symptoms?
House, We can know Everything.
Wilson, This is medicine not metaphysics.
House," Truth is truth. (He erases ""hallucinations""ÔøΩ from the board) It fits."
Wilson, It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.
House, I can if it's not a symptom.
Wilson," Well, what is it?"
House, Not a symptom. (House leaves)
House," (He stands beside Daniel's bed) You're not gonna die. You have Wiskott-Aldrich syndrome. It impairs your immune system, makes you susceptible to all the AIDS stuff without actually having AIDS. And you didn't catch it. You were born with it. Another gift from God."
Daniel, You sure?
House," Genetic test should confirm it, but it explains all your symptoms ÔøΩ toe, chest, eyes, skin."
Daniel, What about my hallucination?
House, Scotch explains that.
Daniel, But that was just a coincidence.
House, Coincidences do happen.
Daniel, That coincidence is what brought me to you in the first place.
House, You promised you wouldn't go there.
Daniel," Einstein said, ""coincidence is a God's way of remaining anonymous."""
House," A Woman in Florida said, ""look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."""
Daniel, You didn't Even want to take my case. You didn't Even think I was sick.
House, The fact that I was wrong is not a proof of God.
Daniel, I'm just trying to understand how my life could completely turn around in a single day.
House, Don't worry. Your life will go back to sucking soon enough. Everything that happened to you can be rationally explained.
Daniel, I know. It's just! That's a lot of coincidences.
Cuddy, House was right about the priest. Genetic test confirmed it was Wiskott-Aldrich.
Cameron, And I would've discharged him.
Cuddy," Everybody would've discharged him, House included. He only took that case as a stall."
Cameron," And yet it was a real case, and he solved it."
Cuddy, By violating his own principles and ignoring the admitting symptoms. Still he somehow got away with it. Saved another life.
Cameron, You want him there tonight. (pause) You should tell him.
House, It's cold out there.
Cuddy, At least you have shoes that cover your toes.
House, So it's tonight?
Cuddy," Yep. Bad weather for it, huh?"
House, Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe your sister will decide the roads are too dangerous to drive on.
Cuddy, Fingers crossed.
House, Have fun.
Doctor," I want to reassure you, your Parkld can have a completely normal life."
Joseph, How can a baby have male and female DNA?
Doctor, It's a condition called Genetic Mosaicism. The ambiguous genitalia can be surgically repaired.
Melanie, Repaired?
Doctor, Made to look more typical.
Melanie, More typical? But you haven't Even told us if the baby is a boy or a girl.
Doctor, That's ÔøΩ that's a choice you have to make.
Melanie, (clapping and cheering) Good job Jackson.
Melanie," (softer this time) Take it. (Meaning, take the shot)"
Melanie, (disappointed) He had the shot. He lost his nerve.
Joseph," Honey it's OK, he's doing great."
Melanie, Three.
Melanie and Joseph, Whooo!
Joseph, (enthusiastically) No fear that time.
Joseph, Melanie!
Melanie, Oh my God! Jackson?
Thirteen, (moving in front of Foreman) Black heels or the boots?
Foreman, You know I'm a fan of those heels.
Thirteen, (looking over her shoulder at Foreman) Boots it is.
Thirteen," For all we know, House knows you're a fan of those heels."
Foreman, (tying his tie in front of the mirror) Like House is going to find out we faked our breakup because of your shoes? (thinking) Go with the boots.
House, You gonna eat that? (meaning Wilson's breakfast)
Wilson, Have at it.
Wilson, Did you just ask my permission before you took my food?
House, Yes we can.
Cuddy," Adolescent genetic mosaic collapsed during a basketball game, presenting with persistent pelvic pain."
House, (reaParkng up to take the file) Fun!
Cuddy, The parents haven't told their son that he could have been their daughter. They want assurance that you won't either.
House," Less fun, but still."
Cuddy, That was easy.
House," (throwing a Patient file to each member of the team) Our new Patient, part girl, part boy, all Thirteen's dream date."
Foreman," SEvere pelvic pain started during a basketball game, could be dehydration."
Kutner, ER gave him fluids when he came in.
Foreman," Still, it feels chronic."
Taub," We got a kid who could mate with himself and we think he didn't have enough to drink? There are dozens of intersex disorders, persistent pelvic pain could mean Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia, PMDS?"
Kutner," Those conditions occur in intersex kids who are chromosomally XX or XY, not XX and XY. Parents recently started him on testosterone, maybe there's something ÔøΩ"
Thirteen," Vitamins wouldn't cause pelvic pain. (There's a pause and Everyone looks at her) There's a note in here, we're supposed to refer to his testosterone shots as vitamins. His parents aren't just liars, they want us to be liars too."
House, I won't do it. (pause) You guys will though.
Taub, He's a kid. Parents don't think he's ready to deal with it.
Thirteen," My dad was the same way about me maybe having Huntingtons, it's ÔøΩ"
House, Well that was your experience. Must surely apply in this situation.
Thirteen, Pain could be caused by a blind uterus hidden in his abdomen. He needs an MRI.
Foreman," Right, boy with girl genes; I'm sure you're the first doctor brilliant enough to check for a uterus. He could have complications from the surgeries on his penis, that can cause pelvic pain."
House," Way to multitask, impress your boss and humiliate your ex. MRI's a waste of time. To continue the humiliation, go put a camera up his penis."
Melanie," You're Dr. House, aren't you? What do you think is wrong with our son?"
House," (clearly surprised by their unannounced entrance) These people were just coming to tell you. This is better, don't have to worry about them losing their way."
Melanie," We think that he has a blind uterus, he should have an MRI."
House, (looking at Thirteen) Did you send them a text?
Joseph," Over the past Thirteen years, we've eduCated ourselves."
House," Well, who needs med school when you've got Wi-Fi? (to the team) Go schedule their son for an MRI with contrast right away."
Joseph, Thank you. (Joseph and Melanie leave)
Kutner, You just said an MRI was a waste of time.
House, So's arguing with them.
Thirteen, Contrast in.
Taub," (talking into the microphone) Jackson, we're going to get started so try to lie still."
Taub, (to Thirteen) How long do you think the post-breakup awkwardness is going to last?
Thirteen," Foreman and I are both professionals. (then, talking about the scan) Stomach and liver are clear."
Taub, If by professional you mean he's a T1000 built by Cyberdine Systems? I nEver understood what you saw in him.
Thirteen, He's not really your type huh? (talking about the scan) Moving down for the pelvic floor.
Taub, Here's my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. (he turns toward Thirteen with a blank expression on his face) Now the saddest day of his life. (same blank expression)
Thirteen, We just broke up. I'm not quite ready to mock him yet.
Taub," House was a jerk to split you two up, but, bottom line, he did you a favor."
Thirteen, Area around the intestinal tract is clear. No blind uterus. (Thirteen gets out of her chair and goes out the door)
Kutner," I think, there's something wrong with House."
Wilson, Who's he making miserable now?
Kutner," Actually, no one. He OK'd an MRI just because the parents wanted to look for a blind uterus. There was no fighting, no arguing, he just went along."
Wilson, It's a valid medical theory.
Kutner, He doesn't think it is. House decided to humor these parents.
Wilson," Maybe he had a great cup of coffee, or a tremendous bowel movement. Bottom line is your boss is in a good mood, stop analyzing it and just enjoy it."
Thirteen," We're going to use this scope to fill your bladder with saline, then examine your urethra for any narrow spots."
Jackson, Why would there be a narrow spot?
Taub, Sometimes it just happens.
Jackson, Can my parents come in?
Taub, Sure.
Thirteen," I thought it would be awkward for you, having them here."
Jackson, I have this feeling they've seen me naked before.
Taub," (about to perform the test) Now take a breath, just try to relax."
Jackson, Mom. (Melanie comes to him beside the bed)
Melanie," It's okay Honey. It's okay. Hey, remember those sprints they made you run in practice? Those were so hard, but you pulled through. You can do this too. (She kisses him on the forehead)"
Taub," Up to the bladder, start the saline."
Taub, I'm going to look around and pull back on the scope. (Jackson whimpers)
Jackson, (very tense) It feels tight.
Thirteen," That pressure's normal, just try to hold on for a few more minutes."
Jackson," (groaning) Its not down there, its my chest (putting his hand on his chest)."
Jackson," (breathlessly) Can't breath, can't, can't breath."
Joseph, Is he okay?
Thirteen, Muffled heart sounds. Jugular's distended.
Taub, Pericardial effusion we need ten gauge and a syringe.
Melanie, What's happening?
Thirteen," His heart is filling with exudate, if we don't drain it, it will stop beating. (She jams a syringe into his chest and pulls up on the plunger)"
Thirteen, We drained the fluid from his pericardial space; his heart rate is back to normal.
Taub," Pelvis, plus heart, doesn't fit with any of the syndromes associated with mosaicism."
Foreman," Could be drugs, toxins, an infection?"
Kutner, (to House) You're okay with this?
House, (who looks bored) With what?
Kutner," That we're considering a diagnosis unrelated to this kid being a shemale. Assuming a coincidence like that would usually torture you, but you're completely unfazed."
House," Completely unfazed? You think I'm totally lacking in any fazing? The idea that I'm anything less than half-fazed, I actually find offensive. It greatly fazes me."
Thirteen, He started testosterone ÔøΩ
House, Vitamins
Thirteen," (continuing) A few months ago. That can cause autoimmune diseases like Polyarteritis and SLE, which can cause pericardial effusion and pelvic pain. So it is related."
House, Now I'm unfazed. Start him on corticosteroids for the autoimmune and Finasteride to block the vitamins.
Wilson, You slept with House.
Wilson," He asked permission before taking my bagel, took the case without a fight, honored the parents' request for an MRI."
Cuddy," Yes, those were my terms for sleeping with him."
Wilson, He's in a good mood.
Cuddy," Sex with me would explain that, but it doesn't explain why I'm not curled up in a ball weeping in shame. (She sits down) I did not have sex with House."
Wilson, If you two aren't keeping something from me that means he's keeping something from both of us. That can't be good.
Cuddy," Or he's just in a good mood, this is not a crisis. Maybe you can get back some of that money he owes you?"
Wilson, (considering what Cuddy just said) Hmm.
Melanie, Testosterone blocker? Does that mean if Jackson has SLE or whatEver that other thing was that he'd have to go off the hormones?
Thirteen, PRobably.
Melanie," Then Jackson will stop dEveloping, he'll nEver go through puberty."
Joseph, Maybe this isn't what's wrong with him. Maybe the testosterone didn't cause it.
Melanie," Yeh, but if it is, then he'll nEver be a Man. Did we make the wrong choice?"
Joseph, You'll need to tell him the testosterone blocker is something else.
Thirteen," Or maybe this is a good opportunity to tell him the truth. It might make it simpler, for all of you."
Melanie," You want us to tell a sick adolescent boy that he's really not an adolescent boy. That doesn't seem simpler to me. No, just, (signing the consent form) give him the meds."
House," So, you have pain in one arm and both your legs. Does it hurt right now?"
Ian," No, its, when, I like put pressure on them. See, it hurts when I do this, (with his right forefinger, he pokes himself on his upper left arm) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his left thigh) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his right knee) Ow."
House, (taking the Patient's right forefinger and squeezing it) How about this?
Ian, Owwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Cuddy, Did you give House the moron with the broken finger?
Nurse Helen, They've been in room two about ten minutes.
Cuddy, The Patient should have been screaming for another doctor sEven minutes ago.
Ian, (holding up his bandaged right forefinger) Thanks brah.
Jackson," If I have this IV, why do I need a shot too?"
Thirteen," Just some extra medicine, just to be safe. I hear you're quite the basketball player, what position?"
Jackson, Point guard.
Thirteen, Small forward. How's your crossover dribble?
Jackson," It's okay, I'm not really that into basketball."
Thirteen," You're going to feel a little pinch, okay. So, if you're not that into it, why'd you join the team?"
Jackson, My Mom kinda made me do it.
Thirteen," My parents were the same way, always pushing me to try new things."
Jackson," It was more like what she didn't want me to try. (pause) I wanted to take dance, but she flipped out and made me choose between basketball and hockey."
Thirteen, What does your Dad say?
Jackson," He seemed okay with it, then he just caved in to my Mom."
Thirteen, (looking at Jackson's hand) Your palm is red.
Jackson, What's that mean?
Thirteen, That we still don't know what's wrong with you.
Cuddy, You were right; he is in a good mood.
Kutner, (to Foreman) Bummer it didn't work out with you and Thirteen.
Foreman, It happens.
Kutner," You guys seemed happy together. It's pRobably for the best, you know, the bisexual thing and all."
Foreman, It was nEver an issue.
Kutner," No, it nEver is, until it is. This is Thirteen. Before you guys got together she was hooking up with a different girl Every night. Long term you really think you could compete with that?"
Cuddy," House, we have to talk."
Wilson," Stop pretending to be asleep, we're not leaving. House. (Wilson kicks the ottoMan. House's head lolls to the side, he does not wake up)"
Kutner," (still in the conference room, but watParkng through the glass) What's going on?"
Wilson," House, (he's worried now. He leans down to feel for a pulse) House."
Wilson, He's not breathing.
Cuddy, Can you get a pulse?
Wilson, Barely.
Cuddy, (to Kutner) Call a code.
Wilson, Get an ambu bag from the nurses station.
Foreman," Heart's still working that means synapsis is still firing, we just need to get a message through."
House, Aaahh!
Wilson, You stopped breathing.
Cuddy, What the hell is going on? (Close-up of House who looks guilty)
House, I think my penis stopped breathing; do you know CPR?
Cuddy," Looks like your brain is Okay. Pupils are equal, round, and reactive."
House," I'm fine, other than the fact that my nurple is now purple. (to Thirteen) No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached."
House," (to Thirteen) By the way, I can see that from here. I assume those are our Patient's lab results."
Thirteen, Patient can wait; you could have died.
Wilson, The only reason you'd ignore a near death experience is you don't care or you already know why it happened.
House," It's called Vicodin, I took too Many."
House, (loudly) Can I please get some information about our Patient?
Thirteen, Patient's palms are red; lab tests confirm liver and kidney dysfunction.
Kutner, I don't remember you taking any Vicodin today.
House, I don't remember hiring my Mother. What causes the enzymes in little Boy George's existing heart pRoblem and pelvic pain?
Wilson, You didn't take any yesterday at breakfast either.
House, I don't remember having breakfast with my Mother.
Foreman, Amyloidosis with systemic involvement.
Thirteen," Protein lEvels are normal. This kid's depressed, if he's self-medicating with drugs and alcohol that would explain his symptoms."
House, Search the school; search the home.
Kutner," Seriously, or are you just deflecting?"
House, Both. (He gets up from the chair)
Cuddy, Where are you going?
House," (grabbing his jacket) Nowhere, I'm staying right here, so we can properly discuss this. (He walks out the door)"
Wilson, (realizing something) He's on Heroin.
Cuddy, How can you? ÔøΩ
Wilson," Number one, he's happy, which means he's high. Number two, when he moved his bad leg he didn't use his hands to support it. WhatEver he's taking, it's stronger than Vicodin."
Cuddy, What are we gonna do?
Thirteen, You really think House took too Many Vicodin?
Foreman," The guy pops'em like candy, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before. You miss sleeping with women?"
Thirteen, Excuse me?
Foreman, Simple question.
Thirteen, Yes. It's a simple answer.
Foreman, I'll check under the bed.
Thirteen, I also miss sleeping with other men and I'm sure you miss sleeping with other women. MonogAmy is like saying your nEver going to have any other ice cream flavor besides rocky road.
Foreman," So, your saying, if you don't have pink bubble gum for a while that one day you're going to Chase down the ice cream truck?"
Thirteen," No. Rocky Road is great. It's a very delicious and compliCated flavor. I also know that if I have other flavors, then rocky road is going to be left in the freezer where anyone can just, dip in. Can we please drop the metaphor? (She finds a piece of paper in a desk drawer). Why is this coming up now?"
Foreman," Kutner said the silver lining of our breakup was, I wouldn't be dumped for a girl. (talking about their search) There's nothing in here either, seems like we're wrong about this kid having drug or alcohol ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, When did he bring that up?
Foreman," Earlier today, right before ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, This morning Taub called you a Robot.
Foreman," Huh! Either it's a big coincidence or, their jerking us around. They know."
Thirteen," And if they know, House knows. This is bad."
Foreman," No, this is good. House only has two ways to handle us going out, he jerks us around or he fires us. He chose option A; this is good."
Thirteen, But this is bad.
Thirteen," (reading from the paper she found in Jackson's desk) ""I stand alone my soul and me, beneath the mask that others""ÔøΩ (pause as she looks at House) ""see.""ÔøΩ (She looks back at Kutner questioningly)"
Kutner, His chest is still rising. He's just screwing with me cause Cuddy made me babysit.
Thirteen," (continuing) ""A pain that tears and bites and will not bend, only when I sleep, will it end.""ÔøΩ"
House," Downer, and medically irre! (his voice fades out as if he's falling back asleep)"
Thirteen, (to Kutner) You sure his chest is moving?
Kutner, House? (He gets out of the chair and moves toward House)
Foreman, If he's faking you think he's going to come clean because you said his name?
House, (to Kutner with his eyes still closed) Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.
Thirteen," You know, recreating the moment when you made us crap our pants isn't actually all that funny."
Foreman, (quietly to Thirteen) That is sweet that you're worried about House.
House," Unless the next stanza reads, ""Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth,""ÔøΩ I'm not interested."
Thirteen, You can't deny that this kid may be suicidal.
House, We're not here to make him happy; we're here to diagnose him.
Taub, It's an infection. Swab of the kid's water bottle turned up Toxoplasmosis.
Thirteen, I'll start him on Pyrimethamine. (She leaves)
Melanie, (worried) I had no idea he felt this way.
Joseph, Is there a therapist here that you can recommend?
Thirteen, It might help more if you talk to him.
Melanie, (shaking her head) He's not ready.
Joseph, If telling him the truth would help him stop feeling like this.
Melanie," If I knew that it would make him less confused I'd tell him right now, but if she's wrong we'd only make things worse."
Thirteen, He obviously senses he's different. He's looking for answers.
Melanie, Every teenager feels different. He's sick; this isn't the time to spring this on him. (She looks at her husband)
Joseph, Okay.
Melanie," When you give Jackson the antibiotics, will you please restart the testosterone?"
Thirteen, Sure.
Foreman," I get House wanting to jerk me and Thirteen around, but you guys?"
Kutner, Told you they were still together. (He turns toward Taub with his hand out)
Foreman, How'd he know?
Taub, Noticed you smell like Thirteen's soap Every morning.
Foreman, (to Kutner) You figured it out?
Kutner," Yes, I'm a little slow; maybe someone should let me know when I should be insuIted."
Foreman, Then House doesn't know.
Kutner, He pRobably does now that you felt her up during that last differential.
Foreman," You noticed this, but House didn't?"
Kutner," Yes, I get it; He's generally smarter than me. Can we please move on?"
Foreman, He's not generally smarter than you; he's always smarter than you. Unless?
Wilson, Hello.
Foreman, House is on Heroin.
Wilson," (haltingly) Well, that's certainly, an interesting notion."
Foreman," It's why his lungs stopped, its why he OK'd the MRI, its why he missed things he wouldn't ordinarily miss."
Wilson," Uh, we'll runs some tests, and I'll let you know."
Foreman, He's there isn't he?
Wilson," Well that would certainly explain the inappropriate responses. I gotta go. Okay. (to House while putting his phone back in his pocket) sorry, consult."
House, (about the drinks) When did you order these?
Wilson, When you were in the bathroom. I thought a celebration was in order. To cheating death.
Wilson, You off bourbon? We can get you something else.
House, I came here expecting a burger. Figured I'd have to endure a little lecture on moderation.
Wilson, You nEver listen. So why ÔøΩ
House," Instead, I get a drink; a nice little serving of respiratory depressant on the day that my lungs stop working."
Wilson, You seem fine now.
House," You don't beliEve that I OD'd on Vicodin. You figure I'm on something stronger, and because you can nEver, Ever assume anything but the most screwed up scenario as far as I'm concerned ÔøΩ"
Wilson, Funny how I'm usually right.
House, You think that I'm on Heroin. This is your version of a tox screen. Because if I am on Heroin; I can't drink that without risking another bout of not breathing.
Wilson, Well? (Wanting House to prove he's not on Heroin)
House, Goodnight. (He gets up from the table and leaves)
Jackson, Another shot?
Thirteen, I'm afraid so.
Jackson," That looks like the vitamins my parents give me, same red top."
Thirteen, These aren't vitamins.
Jackson, What is it?
Thirteen, I can't tell you that. You should ask your parents.
Wilson, You idiot!
House," Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good though, don't I?"
Wilson," Heroin. Heroin! House, of all the stupid ÔøΩ"
House, I'm not on heroin.
Wilson, (angry) I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.
House, I'm on methadone. Stupid product. Heroin without the high.
Wilson," Yeah, and twice the risk of death."
House, But no risk of arrest.
Wilson, You nearly died.
House, Today was a fluke. I nodded off.
Wilson," Right, you're safe as long as you nEver sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You want to detox from Vicodin? Pick something that won't kill you."
House, I'm not detoxing.
Wilson, If you're looking for something to help with your pain ÔøΩ
House," Doesn't help my pain, it eliminates it. (House tosses his cane into a nearby dumpster and turns to walk away. He pauses) My leg doesn't hurt anymore. (He walks out toward the street leaving Wilson bewildered)"
Melanie, She completely disregarded our instructions.
Thirteen, He asked a question. I was tired of lying. I didn't tell him anything about his genetic condition.
Melanie, I want her removed from our son's case.
Cuddy," I'm sorry for the position Dr. Hadley put you in, but I can't do that. She's a valuable part of Dr. House's diagnostic team. If he stays on the case, so does she."
Joseph, We have to deal with Jackson. These questions aren't gonna go away.
Melanie, He's not ready for this.
Joseph, Let's hope you're wrong.
Thirteen, (to Cuddy) I'm sorry. I'll stay away from their son.
Cuddy," No ÔøΩ you won't. In about 15 minutes, you're the only person that kid's gonna trust. If he needs a hand to hold, make sure yours is available. (Thirteen nods and leaves the offices. Cuddy looks frustrated)"
Jackson, So what? Am I a boy or a girl?
Joseph, Some of your cells are male! and some are female.
Jackson, So basically I'm a freak.
Joseph," No, no, buddy. You're just a little different."
Jackson," You've known this...since I was born, and you nEver told me."
Joseph, We didn't want you to be confused.
Jackson, So you lied to me.
Melanie," Oh, please, sweetie, we were just trying to protect you."
Jackson, Don't. Just leave me alone. Get out.
Melanie, (to Joseph) Let's go.
Cuddy," You still breathing in there? 'Cause if not, I'm sending in janitorial."
House," I'm not breathing, but it's strictly voluntary. Should've seen the guy who was in here before me."
Cuddy, I know about the methadone.
House, (sighing) It's legal. I have a prescription.
Cuddy, WhatEver doctor you conned into writing it clearly had no idea about your addiction issues ÔøΩ Your lack of ÔøΩ
House, He knows I'm in pain. What I put in my body is my business.
Cuddy," You keep taking this, you could die."
House," If you'd said that if I keep doing this you could die, then it'd be your business."
Cuddy," I can't sit by and watch you kill yourself. As long as you're in my hospital, you can't do methadone."
House, I'll send someone for my stuff. (He starts to walk out)
Cuddy," That's it, you're quitting? You're choosing methadone over this job?"
House, I'm choosing lack of pain over this job. (He walks out)
Thirteen, Eventually you have to talk to your parents again.
Jackson," No, I don't. (Thirteen pulls up a chair and sits down beside the bed) I have this one friend ÔøΩ on my basketball team, Will. We hang out a lot. I really like him. Now I'm worried that I...you know, ""like""ÔøΩ him. (pause) Maybe I'm supposed to. Because if I'm really a girl."
Thirteen, Do you feel like a girl?
Jackson, I like dancing more than basketball. Is that what that means?
Thirteen," Jackson. As hard ÔøΩ as it is right now, at least it's out in the open."
Jackson, (unfolding the paper) This was an English assignment. We were supposed to write a poem in the style of Sylvia Plath.
Thirteen, You don't feel this way?
Jackson," I'm sad sometimes; I don't wanna die. At least, I didn't. (Thirteen looks out of the room at Jackson's parents, wondering if she made a mistake) Are these antibiotics supposed to make you nauseous?"
Thirteen," Yeah, they can."
Foreman, We're on our own.
Taub, Is he okay?
Foreman, He's fine. He's just not here.
Kutner, Did he quit? Did she suspend him?
Foreman, She didn't say. She just told me I was in charge until further notice. So if we add bloody vomit to our Patient's list of symptoms.
Thirteen, Surgeon reports the bleeding was caused by a gastric fistula caused by Necrotizing Pancreatitis.
Kutner, She must've told you something.
Foreman, Nothing that would help us with this Patient.
Taub," Heart, liver, kidneys, and pancreas. Obviously whatEver this kid's got is something systemic."
Thirteen, Zollinger-Ellison?
Taub, Or Systemic Scleroderma.
Thirteen, Zollinger-Ellison fits better.
Foreman, Why?
Kutner, Can we at least call House?
Foreman," We can. I have. He's not answering. Put the Patient on proton pump inhibitors. If he gets better, it's Zollinger-Ellison; If not, it's scleroderma."
Foreman, Zollinger-Ellison doesn't fit better. You don't want it to be scleroderma because that means he's gonna die.
Thirteen, Patients die all the time.
Foreman," Not the ones whose family you've ruined. I don't think that, you do. It's not your fault."
Thirteen, He was no more confused than any other teenager. Then I started a fire and threw gas on it.
Foreman, You were trying to help. (He hugs her)
Wilson," Hi, is House here?"
Woman, (getting ready to leave) He's getting dressed. (She calls to House) I'll be back around 10:00 tonight. (to Wilson as she heads out the door) Go on in.
Wilson, Okay. (Wilson sidles by her like he's afraid to touch her. He closes the door)
Wilson, (to House) Who was she?
House, I hired her to watch me sleep ÔøΩ make sure I don't stop breathing.
Wilson, Home nurses usually wear scrubs.
House, She's not a nurse.
Wilson, You hired a hooker to watch you sleep? That just can't (He stops as House walks into the living room. He looks astonished)
House," Surprisingly, hookers are cheaper. And they don't sue for sexual harassment. (holding up two ties) Which one?"
Wilson," You, shaved."
House, The red one then.
Wilson, You have two ties?
House, (walking across the room to a small mirror on the wall) Meeting at St. Sebastian's today. Gonna try and talk 'em into starting up a diagnostics department.
Wilson, Sounds great. I just came by to check up on you. See how you were doing.
House, (Tying his tie in front of the mirror) I'm fine.
Wilson, I guess you are.
Joseph, He hasn't responded to the medication at all?
Taub, I'm afraid not. (Thirteen is standing at a nearby counter)
Melanie," So, that means he's got the other thing?"
Taub," I'm so sorry. We'll start him on anti-inflammatories. If we're lucky, that will slow down the progression."
Melanie, My son has a death sentence and I can't go in there and be with him because of you.
Thirteen, I'm sorry.
Melanie, You find a homework assignment and decide he's suicidal; make it your own personal mission.
Thirteen, I let my feelings ÔøΩ
Melanie," Oh, don't you dare apologize. Like it could absolve you of what you've done to me, my family. He was fine. (Cuddy intervenes)"
Cuddy, I understand why you're angry. But this isn't where you belong right now.
Melanie, He won't let us in the room.
Cuddy," He's a teenager, you're his mother. This is not the time to start listening to him. Go be with him. (Melanie walks back toward Jackson's room."
Thirteen, (to Cuddy) Thank you.
Cuddy, I didn't do it for you.
Wilson, We made a mistake.
Cuddy," No, we didn't."
Wilson, The methadone's good for him.
Cuddy, The methadone is gonna kill him.
Wilson, He shaved. He was wearing a tie. He has a meeting at St. Sebastian.
Cuddy," If he buys a new pair of shoes, should we let him smoke crack?"
Wilson," Cuddy, he's happy."
Cuddy," House doesn't do happy, pain or no pain."
Wilson," Okay, maybe, but, he's our friend. And this is his one chance to not be miserable."
Foreman, The heels. Very nice.
Thirteen, No reason not to wear them now that House is gone.
Foreman, You okay?
Thirteen, Yeah. Just tired.
Foreman, Got some good news. Patient's scleroderma is responding to the anti-inflammatory meds. His AST lEvel's dropped a bit.
Thirteen, So he's dying slightly less quickly than we thought. That's great news. (pause) I'm not okay.
Foreman, Next time just say that.
Thirteen, What's his AST?
Foreman," Uh... 185, I think."
Thirteen, That's a pretty fast drop. Are we sure it's from the anti-inflammatories?
Foreman, What else could it be from? He's been off the antibiotics for a while. Proton pump inhibitor's wouldn't ÔøΩ
Thirteen, He's back on testosterone.
Foreman, Testosterone wouldn't help his liver function.
Thirteen," But it could improve his kidney function, which would also lower his AST."
Foreman, But not in kidneys damaged by scleroderma.
Thirteen, Which means it's not scleroderma.
House," I have an interview, in two hours."
Cuddy, Wow.
House, Hand over my letter of recommendation.
Cuddy," Sorry, I haven't done it yet."
House, You have no right to sabotage ÔøΩ
Cuddy," I was busy with this. (She hands him a sheet of paper) It's a list of requirements for your methadone treatment. Weekly drug tests. Supervised doses administered on a precise schedule, by me, or, one of the nurses."
House," Seems weird, getting my meds here when I'm working somewhere else."
Cuddy, Yes. (pause) I'm offering you your job back. (She sits down)
House, I want a raise.
Cuddy, No.
House, And a bigger office... but in the same spot.
Cuddy, No. We both know this is where you belong.
House, Okay.
Cuddy," Welcome back. (House starts for the door, then pauses and turns around)"
House, (sincerely) Thank you.
Cuddy, You're welcome. (He leaves)
Kutner, You okay?
House, I have issues with authority. You?
Taub, We thought you were gone.
House, Cuddy missed me.
Taub, And what happened to your cane?
House, She asked to borrow it for some reason. Patient dead or do I need to do anything? (House takes off his tie and loosens his shirt collar)
Taub, He's got scleroderma. (Foreman and Thirteen come in)
Thirteen, It's not scleroderma.
House," Wow. Two days, and you've already got two separate theories. (House sits down)"
Foreman, You're back. Good. We noticed a drop in AST lEvels. It's not from the anti-inflammatory meds.
Thirteen, It's because his kidneys got better from the testosterone.
Foreman, Which rules out scleroderma.
House, When did you two come up with this?
Thirteen, We ran into each other in the lobby. (She sits down)
House," So, what did we miss? When I say ""we"" I mean ""you,"" since I wasn't here."
Thirteen, We've ruled out Zollinger-Ellison.
House, That was a dumb idea.
Thirteen, Why?
House, Because it was wrong.
Taub," Also toxoplasmosis, dehydration, SLE, various intersex disorders."
House," Oh, crap. (pause) This kid like energy drinks?"
Kutner, I saw some empty bottles in the team locker room.
Taub, But energy drinks don't explain ÔøΩ
House, Nice work. (He gets up and heads for the door)
Foreman," So, we're okay?"
House, Why wouldn't we be? (to Thirteen about her shoes) Nice heels. (House leaves)
House, This is all your parents' fault.
Melanie, Excuse me?
House," (to Jackson) Chug a lot of energy drinks before, during, and after practice? (Jackson nods)"
House, Your son came in here with simple dehydration. That's why he collapsed during the game.
Melanie, The ER treated him for that. It didn't help the pain.
House, That's where the energy drinks came in. They put a strain on his kidneys so he needed more time to rebound from the initial dehydration.
Joseph, Then why isn't he better?
House," That's where your idiocy came in. Before we could give him another glass of water, you two insisted I do an MRI. So, I go down a blind alley looking for a blind uterus. And my team injects him with contrast material. If his kidneys had been healthy, they would've filtered out the contrast in a couple hours. Since they weren't, it went around and around, Eventually getting absorbed by his heart, his liver, and his pancreas; getting in trouble Everywhere it went. Your son was fine when he got here. It was your freaked-out overprotectiveness that nearly killed him."
Melanie, Nearly?
House," He's young. A few weeks of dialysis, he should be fine."
House, You gave birth to a freak of nature. (He turns and opens the door) Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one. (House leaves the room)
Thirteen, How you feeling?
Jackson, A little bit better.
Thirteen, I saw you talking to your parents earlier. That's good.
Jackson, My mom asked if I wanted to take dance lessons.
Thirteen, That's great!
Jackson, I'm actually worried I might miss basketball. Starting to get good.
Thirteen, No reason you can't do both. (Jackson nods and Thirteen smiles at him)
Cuddy," Starting tomorrow, you'll come to my office for your fix."
House, I'm done with the methadone. I screwed up.
Cuddy, The kid's parents wanted that MRI.
House, I knew he didn't need it. I did it anyway. That's what got him sick.
Cuddy, You just solved a case that no one else could solve.
House," I created a case. I played nice because, I was in a good mood because, I didn't hurt. (He gets up)"
Cuddy, You don't need your pain to be a good doctor.
House, (firmly) I'm not interested in good.
Cuddy, You're afraid to be happy.
House, Why do you care if I'm happy?
Cuddy," You're afraid of change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing. (She holds up the dose of methadone) Just take it."
House, No.
Cuddy, Don't do this.
House, It's already done. (He throws the methadone in the wastebasket and grabs a hospital cane which is propped against the wall) This is the only me you get.
Tim, (the author of the book) Am I gonna have to give a speech? You're the publisher. Can't you do it?
Elaine," I can warm them up. But you are gonna have to get over this fear of public speaking before the book tour. Everybody. Can I have your attention? Thank you. Tim has a few words to say. There you go, Tim. They're warmed up. (The audience twitters)"
Tim," Well, what do you say at a time like this? Seriously, what do you say?"
Nick, (Tim's editor) You could thank people for coming.
Tim," Thank you, Nick. Actually, I'm always thanking Nick, a Man famous not only for his ruthless editor's pen, but his Patient hand-holding of crazy authors. You'd think that after three novels, I'd start to dEvelop a little confidence, but!"
Elaine," For a book like this, we are happy to supply the confidence. Best-seller. (She holds up her glass for a toast, as does Everyone else)"
Nick, Well that's not gonna happen.
Tim, What?
Nick, Come on. Short stories don't make money. Short stories weren't making money back in 1908. You'd have to be mathematically illiterate to think they'd do as well as a novel.
Elaine," Okay, Nick, let's step away from the champagne before somebody gets hurt."
Tim, You slaved over this book right next to me. Why would Northrop Even publish it if it's only going to tank?
Nick," Have you failed to notice you're our star author? Obviously, Elaine wouldn't want to offend you."
Audrey," (Nick's wife) Uh, Honey."
Nick, I -- I'm sorry. I don't ÔøΩ I don't know why I said that.
Elaine, He's joking. Nick knows as well as anyone what you have done is art.
Nick," So is folding paper into animal shapes, but you don't expect to make a living off it."
Elaine, What the hell is wrong with you?
Nick, (talking about Elaine) You really think someone who goes through ten assistants a year and doesn't return her own Parkldren's phone calls would give a damn about the state of the American short story?
Audrey," Please, be quiet."
Nick," (looking at the blood on his hand) I think something's wrong. That title was a mistake too. People are gonna compare you to Salinger, and (laughs), boy, are you gonna come up short on that one."
Audrey, Honey!
Tim, Call 911. Help! We need help!
Foreman, (holding out a file) Cameron brought this up from the ER.
House, Doesn't look like a friendship bracelet.
Kutner," It's Phineas Gage, the most famous case study in medical history."
House, You're telling me this Patient got a railroad spike drilled through his frontal lobe? (He takes the Patient file)
Foreman," No. No trauma, but he does have frontal lobe disinhibition. Just like Gage."
Thirteen, Gage was a different person after the spike. Argumentative. Impulsive.
House, Whereas our guy became a different person after Chardonnay.
Taub," He was sober when they brought him in. There's also the nosebleed, the collapse."
House, (to Foreman) MRI show anything?
Foreman, (smiling) Nothing.
House, Good. What fun would that be? So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. It's cool neighborhood adjacent.
Thirteen, A well-placed tumor in the nasal cavity eroding into the brain could do the damage.
House, (handing the file to Foreman) Go stick a scope up Phineas's nose. See what you find. (The team leaves)
Marika," Daddy, I'm always gonna win if you keep telling me what your cards are."
Nick," Well, then suppose I tell you! while I tickle you. (He tickles her and she giggles)"
Taub," Mr. Greenwald, I'm Dr. Taub. This is Dr. Kutner."
Kutner, We're here for another test. Sorry about that.
Nick," You don't look sorry. Um, no offense. Although you do look kind of cheerful. It's a little creepy. Should I want a doctor who's excited about how sick I am?"
Kutner, I'm not ÔøΩ
Taub," We're going to put this up your nose, scan for any pRoblems. I can assure you that we are completely unexcited about that. (to Marika) Excuse me, sweetie."
Audrey, (into her phone) Hold on. (to Taub) She has an auditory processing disability.
Nick," Marika-beleeka, you have to get off the bed."
Taub, (preparing to do the test) This might be slightly uncomfortable.
Audrey," Honey, do you mind if I step out? I have to make sure the final arrangements are in place for the breast cancer walk."
Nick," Yeah, you do that. I'll pretend to be macho while a guy stuffs three feet of plastic up my nose. (to Taub) It's too bad it's not your nose. Lots more room to Maneuver."
Audrey, I guess the walk can wait ten minutes.
Nick," Or in a sensible world, Even longer. Just how does tying up traffic for six hours stop breast cancer?"
Audrey, You know how it works. People donate ÔøΩ
Nick, Why not spend six hours building Houses for habitat for huManity? Or is it wrong to help two groups of people at once? I bet there are those who have breast cancer and no home.
Audrey," It's my job, Nick. You walked yourself last year."
Nick, To be supportive. And because I knew you wouldn't have sex with me if I didn't.
Audrey, I'm gonna make my call.
Nick," Make this go away. (to Taub, as he prepares to put the tube up Nick's nose) God, that honker really is huge, isn't it?"
House, Wednesday night. Low-down-blue-meanie versus the Incinerator.
Wilson, I can't.
House, Let me rephrase. Low-down-blue-meanie ÔøΩ
Wilson," I understand monster truck code. Do you understand ""can't""?"
House," Not when it follows ""low-down-blue-meanie."" Is the world coming to an end Tuesday night? Otherwise, WednesdayÔøΩ(they stop)"
Wilson," All right, it's not ""can't."" It's ""don't want to."" The fact is, I just don't like monster trucks."
House," Yes, you do."
Wilson," No, I don't."
House, You've always liked monster trucks.
Wilson," No, you've always liked them. I've tolerated them."
House, What are you hiding?
Wilson, I'm not hiding it. I'm saying it loud and proud. Death to monster trucks. (Kutner approaches)
Kutner, No nasal cancer. And no marriage either if our Patient keeps saying Everything that comes into his head without regard for the consequences.
Wilson, You always led me to beliEve you were one of a kind.
Kutner, Luckily jerkiness is a temporary condition for this guy.
House," No, it's not. We may be able to fix his impulse to say his thoughts out loud, but he always gonna be the guy who thinks them."
Wilson," But he's also gonna be the guy who doesn't say them. If he spent his whole life constructing this nice guy persona, isn't that as much who he really is as anything else?"
House, You would argue that. You're all persona.
Kutner," I agree with Wilson. This guy's a Harry Potter. (House and Wilson look at him questioningly) The sorting hat was going to put Harry in Slytherin based on his nature. He refused, so he ended up in Gryffindor, through choice."
House, There's damage somewhere in his brain. Go find it. (Kutner leaves)
Thirteen, Are you sure you understand?
Nick," No, I'm lying. Except I can't. (Nick gets out of the wheelchair and hops up onto the MRI table) You ask questions. While I talk, you look at my brain activity to see where it's screwed up. Then you're gonna cut the screwed up part out to test it. It's depressing, but it's not rocket science."
Foreman, I think he understands.
Nick," (to Thirteen) I don't mean to be abrasive. Especially since you're such a pleasure to image naked. Again, sorry."
Thirteen, It's okay.
Nick," Thank you for understanding. I do, you know. Really, my apologies. This stuff just comes out."
Thirteen, It's okay.
Cuddy, House paged.
Nick," Whoa, I would do her in a minute with fudge and a cherry on top. Would someone please explain to this Woman? There's only so Many apologies ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, He has frontal lobe disinhibition.
Nick," (to Cuddy) I've already embarrasssed myself with one doctor, whom I am at this moment imagining, with you in a king-sized bed, with a mirror on the ceiling. I am so, so sorry. But if I couldn't have both of you together, you would definitely be my first choice."
Cuddy, Where's House?
Nick," It's like trying not to think of an elephant. Not that you're an elephant. Your breasts, in fact, are all homo sapiens ÔøΩ"
Foreman, (laying Nick down on the MRI table) House isn't here.
Cuddy," Oh, he wouldn't have paged me if he couldn't watch and enjoy theÔøΩ"
Nick, Your tush is like the pistons in a Ferrari.
House, You're welcome.
Cuddy, That was for my benefit?
House, You're 40 years old!
Cuddy,38
House, The administrator of a hospital!
Cuddy, Dean of medicine.
House," People don't get personal with you. Except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around. (They stop at the elevator) But that guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie."
Cuddy, So that was your way of saying I look good today.
House, You didn't get the slightest kick out of that?
Cuddy," (trying very hard not to smile) Don't be ridiculous, House. (She smiles as House turns away and the elevator doors close)"
Foreman, I hope you know your pistons are second to none.
Thirteen, I'm okay. I'm not jealous of Cuddy's pistons. (talking about the test) Starting baseline activation.
Foreman, You sure? You looked upset.
Thirteen, What he was saying was obnoxious.
Foreman, You've nEver been called attractive?
Thirteen, He didn't call me attractive. He cast me in his mental porno.
Foreman," (laughing) That's what attractive means. It means ""I'm attracted to you, sexually."""
Thirteen," Attracted can also mean ""I'm attracted to the whole package, to who you are."" (referring to the scan) Slight elevation at transaxial 60."
Foreman," It could. It nEver does. It's what women choose to hear, not what men say."
Thirteen," Actually, it's exactly what men say if they have any brains."
Thirteen," All right, we have enough for a baseline. What can we ask him that's indiscreet, but that he won't hate us for knowing?"
Foreman," (speaking into the microphone) Nick, do you vote the same way as your wife?"
Nick," (speaking from the MRI maParkne) God, no."
Thirteen, Good. He's spiking at 30.
Nick," She beliEves I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary and Obama in the General. You're thinking I'm secretly a Republican, right? Wrong. I secretly don't vote. Ever."
Thirteen," (speaking into the microphone) Wait, you're 46, and you've nEver voted?"
Nick, Your voice is no longer attractive to me with that note of disapproval. Although I'm sure that will pass.
Foreman, Look at that. (pointing to the screen) There's a spot in the cingulate gyrus that's not lighting up.
Nick, One vote makes a difference? Not mathematically true.
Thirteen," Okay, Nick. We've got what we need. We can't biopsy that. It's too close to the brainstem."
Foreman, Could be neurosarcoidosis. At least it's treatable.
Thirteen," So we give him steroids, and if we're right, we should start seeing his symptoms improve within half a day."
Thirteen, What are you looking at?
Foreman, I find your strong attachment to a working democracy to be extremely sexy.
Thirteen," Ooh, you smooth talker."
Taub, Do you think my nose is too big?
Kutner," Relax, he also implied my bedside Manner was a little off. You don't agree with that, right?"
Taub, No.
Kutner, No one's Ever mentioned your nose before? You're a plastic surgeon.
Taub, They tell me it suits my face.
Kutner, It does.
Taub, Maybe. Maybe that's just the social contract. You tell me I look great. I tell you you're a people person. How can you know the truth?
Kutner, You could ask for the truth.
Taub, (to the cafeteria worker) What do you think of my nose? Please tell me the truth.
Cafeteria worker, It's fine. It's a nose.
Taub, Just proving a point.
House, Anyone sitting here?
Wilson, Just my persona.
House," You know, it's amazing the way people cling on to insults. Or what they think are insults. (He takes a sandwich and fries off of Wilson's plate and puts them on his own)"
Wilson, So that wasn't an insult?
House," I'm not suggesting that, like our Patient, you're hiding a dark, sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness. (House has pulled a fork out of his breast pocket)"
Wilson, I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.
House," Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice. No, I'm suggesting that you have no core. You're what whoEver you're with needs you to be. Okay, I guess that could be insulting. The interesting question is why. Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it? (He starts eating Wilson's lunch)"
Wilson," Because when my parents put me in the rocket and sent me here, they said, ""James, you will grow to Manhood under a yellow sun."""
House, And why'd you lie about monster trucks?
Wilson, I didn't.
House," I checked your appointment book. You got tomorrow night marked off, but you didn't put down what you were doing. So you thought someone might look at the book ÔøΩ"
Wilson," I'm playing racquetball tomorrow night, with Taub."
House, Why would you hide that?
Wilson," Because the world revolves around you. I devote time to anyone else, you'd end up stalking me and harassing them."
House, You say that as though it wouldn't be fun.
Wilson, And maybe I didn't want to rub your nose in the fact that we'd be doing something you can no longer do. Because I'm nice. (He picks up his lunch tray and leaves)
Audrey, I thought you said the steroids were gonna help him. What ÔøΩ is it his heart?
Foreman, EKG says heart's fine. It's gotta be the kidneys. I need to get him on dialysis.
Foreman," He's on dialysis, and he's stable."
Thirteen, We know it's not systemic sclerosis.
House," (to Taub) Hey, Cyrano de Berkowitz. Let it go."
Taub, (sitting down at the table) Chronic lymphocytic leukemia could explain brain and kidney pRoblems.
Foreman, The CBC showed normal white blood cells.
House, (to Taub) So how long have you been playing racquetball with Wilson?
Taub, Four or five times.
Taub, Could be diabetes.
Kutner, Or a congenital metabolic disorder.
Taub, Congenital disorders generally don't wait till you're 46 to Manifest.
Kutner, So he's a late bloomer. His daughter has a neurological condition.
House," (swinging his cane like a tennis racket) First of all, Wilson played tennis on his college team, and you are a Jew. You're not athletic. Run to the end of the hall and back. I'll time you."
Taub, Sandy Koufax is Jewish. Greatest left-handed pitcher of all time.
House," Sandy Koufax is all you Jews go on about. Sandy Koufax, and the Holocaust. (he sits down) Gets old."
Foreman," There are dozens of congenital conditions that fit our parameters. We can't spend time gene testing for all of 'em, especially when we're only guessing it's congenital."
House, (to Taub) Is a z-shot offensive or defensive?
Taub, It's both.
House, You suspected that was a trick question.
Taub, But I could have said neither. Diabetes makes more sense.
House, We can narrow the testing down to 40 likely candidates. Test for peripheral nerve damage.
Thirteen, He's got brain damage. He's likely to have peripheral nerve damage no matter what the cause.
House," Yes, that's why we should not test him for it. Test the daughter. Kutner runs the nerve test. Taub, you may be right about the diabetes. Take supper away from our Patient and run a glucose tolerance test. Oh, and the nurses have been working so hard. You can do the blood draws yourself."
Taub, They have to be done Every couple hours. You're punishing me because you're jealous that I'm spending time with your best friend.
House, That would be petty. I'm punishing you because now you've joined my best friend in lying to me. Let me know when you're ready to confess Everything. (The team leaves)
Kutner," This can become either hot or cold. As soon as it starts to feel uncomfortable, I want you to tell me."
Marika, But you don't think there's something wrong with me.
Audrey," No, baby, they're testing you to help daddy."
Kutner," Yes, what you're doing is very important. It's like the better you do, the better we know your dad is. (Kutner and Audrey go into the control room) (to Audrey) I'll start with heat."
Audrey," I know it's not his fault. I know what he says is involuntary, but, it doesn't help."
Kutner," Inside, he's still the same Man."
Audrey," That's the pRoblem. Apparently he's been thinking this stuff all along. WhoEver that ""same Man"" is, it's not the person I thought I was married to."
Kutner, (to Marika) You okay? (to Audrey) She should be feeling something by now.
Audrey, What does that mean? Is she sick too?
Audrey, Marika! Honey!
Kutner, You're burned. Why didn't you tell me it started to hurt? (He turns off the maParkne and takes the sensors off of Marika)
Marika," I wanted to help daddy. You said the better I do, the better daddy has to be."
Kutner, (to Audrey) Sorry.
Nick, I'm starving.
Taub, (while doing the test) It's the only way we can do the test.
Nick, Good thing it's you and not Dr. Hadley. Could you keep her away from me? I have a rich imaginative life. I'd rather not share it.
Taub, We all have thoughts.
Nick," I know we all have sexual thoughts. We have ignoble thoughts. I just don't want those to be who I am to people, especially not to my wife."
Taub, I understand. I don't think it would be fair to define me by my passing thoughts.
Nick, My real choices are my actions. And I've nEver done anything to hurt her. I've nEver cheated. You're kidding me. You've cheated?
Taub, What? No. Why would you say that?
Nick, Because you look guilty as hell.
Taub, Are you serious? Of course you're serious.
Nick," Yes, Everyone knows. God, they must think you're a creep. (Taub walks out, Nick is calling after him) They might not know. They might be idiots. I just say these things."
Taub, Why'd you page me here?
House, (still tossing the ball) I need you to update me on the Patient's condition.
Taub, Seems to be dead. Why'd you page me here?
House, I need you to update me on the Patient's condition (he sits up and holds up the ball) while hitting this against the wall. (House tosses the ball to Taub who catches it) This is the only place we can do both.
Taub, I finished the last blood draw.
House, I expect the people who work for me to rise to a challenge. Unless they don't expect to work for me.
Taub, Last blood draw was at 6:00 AM. Sugar lEvels nEver rose above 120 all night. (Taub misses and has to Chase down the ball and start again)
House, So the glucose was normal. Means you were wrong about diabetes.
Taub, (hitting the ball again) I still think it's the endocrine system. Maybe I just got the wrong gland.
House, So you're going for thyroid instead of pancreas? Makes sense.
Taub, Fine. I'm not playing racquetball with Wilson. I was nEver playing racquetball with Wilson. (pause) I thought it would be helpful if a Department Head owed me a favor. But it's not worth this.
House," (nods) Not bad. You put on a good show. You studied up. Wilson actually booked a court. If you were really a racquetball player, you'd know that you were holding a squash racket. (pause) Tell Kutner to do a thyroid reuptake scan, I'll go grab a nap in one of the on-call rooms. (He gets up and heads out the door)"
Kutner, We're taking you to do a thyroid reuptake scan. We think your ÔøΩ
Nick," I'm not going anywhere until you explain why my daughter has a bandage on her hand. You just said you wanted to run some test. I'd known it would involve pain, I'd have said, ""hell, no."""
Kutner," It's a mild burn. Since Marika has a neurological disability like you, we needed to make sure ÔøΩ"
Nick, She has no disability.
Audrey," Nick, you know about her pRoblem with auditory processing."
Nick," ""Auditory processing."" That's code for ""I can't stand thinking my daughter's not perfect."""
Audrey, The therapist said Marika's test scores ÔøΩ
Nick," Were indeterminate. She doesn't have a disability. She daydreams. She gets below-average marks in school because she's below average. Every parent thinks their Parkld's ""above average."""
Audrey, Nick!
Nick, Do you have any idea what the word average means? Somebody has to be under it.
Audrey," (walking over to stand by her daughter) Nick, shut up."
Nick," (Realizing the Marika has heard him) Oh, Honey! I'm not saying you're stupid. Your mother's not the sharpest crayon in the box, and she does great. See, this is, this why I told your mother to keep you at home. Didn't want you here."
Nick," Marika! Marika, wait! Get her! (He starts coughing)"
Kutner," (feeling his forehead) You're burning up. And your lungs are full of fluid. We need to get it out. (He calls to the nurses) I need 200 milligrams of furosemide and two milligrams of morphine, stat."
Kutner, His temperature is 103.
Taub, Infection.
Thirteen, The steroids must have forced it into the open.
Foreman," What kind of infection? It could be anything; Staph aureus, tuberculosis, strongyloides!"
House," Go back to Phineas, get a history."
Kutner, We've got a history. He hasn't been out of the country.
House, Get a detailed history.
Kutner, No one at home is sick. No one at work is sick. There's no sign of ticks or mosquitoes.
House, Get a more detailed history. Ask him again. And again until he remembers something. (Taub starts to leave)
House, (to Taub) Not you. Kutner can do it. You're gonna be busy with something else. (Kutner leaves)
Taub, I'm here to invite you to lunch.
Wilson," Uh, why?"
Taub, I've been made. House sent me back to you as a double agent.
Nick, Anything wrong?
Kutner, Eyes are a little red.
Nick," There's a shocker. I haven't had a good night's sleep since this thing started. (to Audrey, who is sitting in a chair by the window) You should get some rest yourself."
Kutner, That's a good idea. This is going to take some time. It'll be pretty exhausting.
Audrey, (to Nick) Are you afraid of what you might say while I'm here?
Nick, Yes.
Audrey, Are you telling me there's something worse than what I've already heard?
Nick," No, I ÔøΩ I don't know what I'm gonna say. I don't know how I'm gonna hurt you next. I think we should be around each other as little as possible right now."
Audrey, (getting up and gathering her purse and coat) This is pathetic.
Nick, I know. Tell Marika I love her very much.
Audrey, She understands that.
Nick, I don't think she does. You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Audrey, Yeah. (she leaves)
Kutner," Guy leads a boring life. They stay home a lot. No travel, no exotic pets, no nearby standing water."
House, You sound pleased about something. Can we get to that part?
Kunter," His wife rescues dogs. Among others, a big rottweiler who's taken over the House. Our Patient hates it."
House, Was the wife there to hear this?
Kutner, No.
House, Too bad. Keep going.
Kutner, The dog marks his territory all over the living room. I asked what the odds were that he would have put down food or drink where the dog could reach. He said he put a glass of juice on the floor while he was fixing the television.
House, The dog was fixing the television?
Kutner, Yes.
House, The Patient's eyes red?
Kutner, Yeah. I'm thinking Weil's.
House," Bacterial. He lucked out. Start him on doxycycline. If he improves, we'll know we were right."
Taub, I told Wilson you sent me to get information.
House," And now you're telling me. What does that make you, a quadruple agent? (They walk into House's office)"
Taub, He let me print out his e-mails.
House, Wow. Excellent. Information he wants us to have. Did he let you print out his deleted e-mails?
Taub, No.
House, Then go back there ÔøΩ
Taub," As long as I was sitting there, I thought I'd print 'em anyway. (He hands a stack paper to House) Top one's the one you're looking for."
House, (reading the email) Writing to confirm Wednesday at 7:00 PM.
Taub, It's out going to jgonzalez@nymercy.net. There's a Joan Gonzalez in oncology. It's a consult.
House," Secret consult, 7:00 PM. (He finds a picture of Joan Gonzalez online) Oh, Joan is perky."
Taub, You're wrong. There was a Patient file attached.
House, Where? (He holds out his hand for the file)
Taub, It was password-protected.
House," No. Wilson doesn't password-protect his Patient files. I'm the only one he'd expect Ever to look there, and he knows there's only one Patient I'd want to check on."
Taub, You think Wilson's sick?
House," (typing again) If Wilson had cancer, there'd be no reason for him to drive three hours to Manhattan. He could pull strings here and get the best treatment. (He pulls up a list of articles on his computer screen) Six articles by Gonzalez. ""Managing suicidal thoughts in oncology Patients,"" ""Suicidal ideation in Parkldren with leukemia."""
Taub," I don't want to ask this, but, have you Ever had reason to think he might be depressed?"
House," (turning to look at Taub and speaking very curtly) No. Get out of here. (Taub leaves, House looks worried)"
Kutner, Your fEver's down and your lungs are clearing.
Nick, How long before this brain thing goes away?
Foreman," The infection's gone, but the damage the infection did; you'll have to live with."
Nick," You're telling me you can't fix this? There's, there's gotta be a way."
Kutner," We'd need to remove the damaged area in your cingulate gyrus, but it's too close to the brainstem to risk surgery."
Foreman," The brain stem controls the body's involuntary systems. The slightest mistake could kill you. Even if you survive, you may nEver be able to breathe on your own again. You may nEverÔøΩ"
Nick, I get it.
Foreman, I know this seems like a lot to deal with right now. But people have adapted to living with all kinds of neurological deficits.
Kutner," Hey, at least we can promise you it won't get any worse."
Nick, Get the hell out of my room. (Kutner and Foreman leave)
House," (getting up and approaParkng Wilson) Your assistant said that you were out of the hospital, taking a walk."
Wilson, Is there an emergency?
House, I don't know. Is there? You nEver take a walk unless you've got something you need to think about.
Wilson, (reading his messages) Maybe you just don't have a good statistical sampling of my walks.
House," The other thing you do when you need to think is you come to my office. (Wilson turns away from House) Apparently, this is something you can only discuss with Gonzalez at New York Mercy. (Wilson pauses and turns to face House)"
Wilson, Taub. another graduate of the House school of being a dick.
House, Private dick.
Wilson," Look, I'd love to stay for the full inquisition, but I need some hot coffee."
House," Of course you need hot coffee. It's 45 degrees outside, and you left your coat upstairs. Why?"
Wilson, (getting his coffee) You're going to tell me why I forgot my coat?
House," Once you get outside, the cold would have reminded you. You could have come back, but you didn't. You chose to be uncomfortable. Now, why would someone choose that? Because they hate themselves?"
Wilson," (angrily) Has it Ever occurred to you that when I don't share something, it might not be meant as a challenge? It might just mean that I'd like there to be one molecule of my life that goes unexamined by Gregory House. (Wilson leaves)"
Nick, (House walks in and Nick approaches him) Nick Greenwald. I hear you're the guy in charge. I'm the Patient with the disinhibition.
House," If you're here to say thanks, you're welcome. Now go away."
Nick," Oh, I'm not thankful. I'm pissed."
House," Oh, all the more reason to go away."
Nick, They're talking about sending me home. To what? A life where I'll continually drive away anyone who might for a second care about me?
House, Those are the breaks. (He walks over to his desk)
Nick, You could operate.
House, You could die.
Nick," So I'm either better or dead? I'm okay with that. (he moves to face House on the other side of his desk) I ÔøΩ I've always been kind of a! an imPatient guy. But I've worked hard to keep my mouth shut. I've made my wife happy. I've made my little girl happy. I want that back. Otherwise, it's no life."
House, (handing Nick's file to Chase) I want you to remove a small pRoblem.
Chase, (taking the file and glancing at it) I'm not a neurosurgeon.
House, But your boss is. You could assist. I'm sure you'd like to add to your resume.
Chase, It's too near the brain stem. Nobody's gonna touch it.
House," Your boss would. He's an egoManiac. I know 'cause I keep seeing him at the club. He just needs a little push. I'm sure by now you've kissed his ass sufficiently. (Chase laughs and turns to put the clothing he is holding and the file on the sink. He takes a sip from a coffee cup on the counter) Would you like me to phrase it as ""you're politically gifted""? I can do that."
Chase, You want me to help you? (He turns to face House) Tell me why.
House, Why what?
Chase, Why you care. The puzzle's solved. The guy's alive. And the odds of coming out of this surgery with that same status aren't that great.
House, My Patient has a quality of life issue.
Chase," He says awful things, hardly a medical condition."
House," (with eyes downcast, not making eye contact with Chase) When he leaves here, he's going to lose his family. He's gonna alienate the people he works with. And if he Ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky. Until he drives them away too. (He glances sideways at Chase who has realized how personal this has become for House. House is speaking as much about himself as he is about Nick)"
Chase, (giving a slight nod) I'll see what I can do.
House, (looking at Wilson) You've apparently got this whole coat thing backwards.
Wilson, I may have overreacted.
House, You definitely overreacted.
Wilson, I knew you'd meet me halfway.
House," It made me think. You only snap on one subject: losing people. So I went back to the intel. It's true there's only one doctor named Gonzalez at New York Mercy, but there's a Javier Gonzalez who's a nurse in the psych ward. And who could you lose who'd end up there?"
Wilson, Maybe the reason I don't always open up to you is because it's redundant.
House," Daniel Wilson. (pause) Once you got a name, it's amazing how much stuff you can learn on the phone. I mean, if you're a doctor and you lie freely. They found your brother sleeping in the lobby of an office building in Manhattan. Got aggressive when they asked him to leave, and the cops took him to the Mercy psych ward."
Wilson," There have been new anti-psychotics dEveloped since he ran away. He's been on them for a couple of days, and by tonight, he should be in shape to talk to me."
House, But you're not sure if he wants to.
Wilson," I'll be in New York in a few hours, and I guess I'll find out."
House, Why wouldn't you tell me this?
Wilson," House, you and I! We don't have the normal social contract. I don't expect you to tell me the lies ÔøΩ"
House, I am fully capable of lying to you. I've lied plenty of times.
Wilson," I mean, collaborative lies. Giving someone a hand who maybe needs to deceive themselves, just a little. (Wilson gets up) For two days I've been thinking about how Danny's gonna react when he sees me. If I said that to anybody else, they'd say, ""don't worry, it'll all be all right."" You wouldn't."
House, Because it might all go horribly wrong.
Wilson," (he laughs) Yeah. Yeah, it might. (He turns to leave)"
House," In which case, you might want some company. (Wilson walks back toward House as if he cannot beliEve what he just heard)"
Foreman, Your heart's beating. First hurdle passed. Now we need know if you can breathe for yourself. (He slowly pulls out the ventilator tube)
Audrey," (sighing with obvious relief) Oh, thank God. (She grips Nick's hand)"
Taub," Now, do you know who you are?"
Nick," Nick Greenwald. Former SOB. Thank you. Now I can go back to my beautiful life with my beautiful wife. Maybe she'll stop whining and cut me some slack now that I've risked my life. (Audrey, Foreman, and Taub all look puzzled)"
Foreman, Doesn't make sense. We removed the pRoblem.
Taub, We removed the damage. Maybe we were wrong about the pRoblem.
Nick, (to Audrey) I need to beliEve we can get through this.
Foreman, Temperature's 94.5
Audrey, (upset now) Do you really think I'm stupid?
Nick," Honey, you're not stupid. You're just ÔøΩ please don't do this."
Taub, It could be the effect of the surgery.
Audrey," Do you at least respect me, Nick, what do you think of what I do for a living?"
Nick," I think people who publicize important things are people who can't do important things themselves. (Audrey puts her hand to her face and sniffles, she is on the verge of tears) Honey, stop. Don't."
Audrey, Do you regret marrying me?
Taub,94.2
Nick, Sometimes. Everybody wonders ÔøΩ
Foreman, (to the nurses) Get me a heating blanket.
Audrey, Do you Even love me?
Nick, Yes.
Audrey, I don't know why.
Nick," Audrey, wait. Let me ÔøΩ (MaParknes begin beeping and Audrey starts to back away. Nick is clearly not okay)"
Foreman, V-tach. Get me the paddles. (a nurse wheels in a defibrillator and Audrey leaves) Clear.
Foreman," Echo says his heart is structurally fine, but his temperature is still dropping. He's headed for hypothermia."
Taub, I can't reach House. It just goes to voicemail.
Thirteen, It means we were wrong about infection. His temperature's just going up and down because something's playing with his thermostat.
Kutner, Which means the brain damage is spreading.
Foreman," What causes brain damage and nosebleed and involves the lungs, heart and kidneys?"
Taub, Cancer? We could text him.
Foreman," It's not cancer. Normal PSA, normal blood smear, colonoscopy normal. Do a full body scan."
Kutner, House hates full body scans.
Foreman, House isn't here.
Taub, House is right. Everybody's got three or four meaningless anomalies that'll come up on a scan. Chasing each one will take time we don't have.
Foreman, Feel free to send him an IM.
House, (handing Wilson his coffee and sitting down across from him) You told me you saw your brother once. After he disappeared.
Wilson," 13 years ago. I used to go to Princeton whenEver I could. I must have hit Every homeless shelter in town. And then one day, I'm just sitting at this deli, having a sandwich, I look out the window, and there he is. He was gone by the time I got outside."
House, That's why you were so eager when I told you there was a job at Princeton. I thought it was just my charm.
Wilson, That's the team. Shouldn't you answer?
House, They already texted me to say they're doing something stupid. (Wilson smiles)
Foreman, There's a small abdominal aneurysm.
Taub, Irrelevant. What else you got?
Kutner, Cyst in the pleura around the lungs.
Thirteen, Also irrelevant. Couldn't cause any of the symptoms.
Foreman, There's a density in the liver. Could be a vascular malformation.
Taub," If he's got multiple AVMS, screwed-up blood flow would explain Everything."
Foreman, We can only spot them with angiography. We'll have to do targeted scans with contrast and then embolize each one.
Taub, Can we do that before he freezes?
Kutner, We'll find out. (They leave)
House," The spell-correct on Kutner's phone has got a hair trigger. Either that, or the Patient has a ""cyclone in the floral of his lungs.""ÔøΩ (He closes his phone) You took a walk in 45-degree weather, and you left your coat behind."
Wilson, Go ahead.
House," I think you were punishing yourself. I think you wanted to feel what it would be like be homeless in a New Jersey winter. That tells me, guilt. That tells me, something happened."
Wilson," The sParkzophrenia started when he was a teenager. When he was in college! He was on meds, but he'd still think a professor was out to get him because he got a B, or he'd fight with his roommates because he nEver showered."
House, Where were you?
Wilson," Med school. He, called me, Every day. Talked for hours. I didn't have hours."
House, Interesting. Later for that. Go on.
Wilson," I was tired of being the guy that Everybody counted on, so one night, Danny called ÔøΩ One night, Danny called, crying, upset about something. I had to study for an exam. So I ÔøΩ I hung up! Took my things. I went to the library so I wouldn't have to hear the phone ring."
House, I wonder how that turned out?
Wilson," My mother called me the next day. Danny had run away and left his meds behind. Which I knew meant that he would nEver be able to choose to come back, because he'd be so detached from reality."
House," So you made your one effort to live a normal, selfish life, and the universe immediately smacked you down. And because we're wired to find meaning in semi-random Events, you decided nEver to be that careless again."
Wilson, You don't think that's a little facile?
House," Actually, I don't. I think you did it consciously. You dEveloped your people-pleasing talents (House gets up and faces Wilson) the way an Olympic athlete dEvelops his muscles. Talk about an overreaction to a single Event."
Wilson, It was a pretty big Event.
House," Hanging up the phone? That's what you're blaming all this on. That's the behavior you've been trying to correct. As though nothing else went wrong in your brother's life. Of course, he overreacted too but! (talking more to himself than to Wilson) His glucose was normal? (the aahha moment)"
Wilson," We're not talking about my brother anymore, are we?"
House, It's House. AVMs don't explain his glucose.
Wilson," Since this is a significant moment in my life and all, I! (he shrugs)"
House, (into the phone) Yeah.
Wilson, (talking to House who is not listening) I think I'll just go in then.
House, (still talking on his phone) Explain that.
Wilson, Right. (He picks up his coat and follows the attendant out of the waiting room. House is too focused to notice)
House," You'd given him steroids. His glucose should have been elevated. That wannabe cyst you found in the whole body scan; without the glucose, it's an irrelevant cyst. With the glucose, it's a relevant fibroma. He has Doege-Potter syndrome."
Kutner," His fibroma is secreting huMan growth hormone, which acts like insulin, lowering his glucose."
Foreman, It doesn't explain the organ failure or the brain damage.
House," This whole thing is an overreaction. That one small fibroma. It's benign, but his body's acting like it's an invader. His antibodies went to war against it and got carried away, attacked his other systems. Take out the fibroma, he'll be a happy hypocrite again in no time. (House puts away his phone and turns to find that Wilson is no longer there)"
Nick, Maybe I should call a cab.
Taub, Your wife's pRobably just late.
Nick, Yeah. (pause) I'm sorry about! You know! the things I said.
Taub, I have a conspicuous nose.
Nick, It suits your face. (He starts to put on his coat)
Audrey," (entering the room) I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic. (pause) I have some good news. I was gonna tell you, and then you got sick. It didn't seem like the best time. I've been offered a better position. I'd be coordinating cancer awareness walks in three cities."
Nick, That's great. Congratulations! I know you've worked hard for this.
Audrey, Thank you. (She moves to her husband and puts her hand on his chest)
Nick, Is Marika okay?
Audrey, I'm sure she's moved on. (Nick sits in a wheelchair and Audrey wheels him out of the room) Kids are so resilient.
House, You okay?
Wilson, I'll be seeing Danny again next week. I'd like you to meet him.
House, Sure. He sounds interesting. (knowing that Wilson has more to say) Go on.
Wilson," I thought seeing him again would change Everything. It would be wonderful or terrible. Instead! we're just strangers. It's kind of, anticlimactic."
House, Which is better than terrible.
Wilson, Go on.
House, Does it bother you that we have no social contract?
Wilson," (laughs) My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around Everyone like they're made of Parkna. I spend all my time analyzing: What will the effect be if I say this? Then there's you. You're a reality junkie. If I offered you a comforting lie, you'd smack me over the head with it. Let's not change that."
House, Okay.
Wilson," No, see, this ÔøΩ if you were implementing the social contract, you'd say that, but only because! It makes me feel better!"
House, It is kind of fun watParkng you torture yourself.
Wilson, Do you think things will work out with my brother?
House," No. But when it does go wrong, it won't be your fault."
Wilson," Thanks, House."
House, You do actually like monster trucks?
Wilson, Absolutely.
Cuddy," You have a Patient waiting, see? [She indiCates Morgan West who is standing behind her in the exam room door.]"
House, I'm waiting for a follow-up.
Cuddy," If you're talking about Mr. Kazden, he has a deceased sticker on his file. As do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today. [She hands him a file and pulls a piece of the ""track""ÔøΩ from an IV stand.] Whoops. [She leaves.]"
Morgan, I had colds all winter.
House," I've been in this room a while, but it's spring now, right? [He climbs off the table he was standing on.]"
Morgan, I feel run-down like maybe something big is coming on.
House," Run-down. Come on, give me something. Sore throat?"
Morgan, No.
House, Runny nose?
Morgan," No. I know it sounds weird, I'm a nurse, but could you run maybe a CBC or thyroid up ÔøΩ"
House," [loudly] Dr. Cuddy, I need a consult. [Cuddy enters.] Until she stops seizing, I may as well go back to my office and get my diagnosis on."
Cuddy, She's urinating on herself.
House, She's having a seizure. If she hadn't peed it would!
Cuddy, It's green.
House, Interesting.
House, 35-year-old Woman. Head of nursing at an old age home.
Kutner," Neurological symptoms and ""P""? Oh, green pee. I get it. Nice."
Thirteen," ""Neuro"" is also written in green. Does that mean she has green neurological symptoms as well?"
House, From now on I'm gonna use two colors. Green indiCates irony.
Foreman, Pseudomonas infection.
Thirteen, She'd have a fEver. Toxins?
Taub, Why are we taking this case?
House," Welcome, your lordship. We were just preparing your morning briefing."
Taub," Sorry I'm late. And, yes, green pee does meet the only diagnostic requirement you care about! it's interesting. But is it worth us taking this case?"
House," ""Us"" aren't taking anything. I'm taking. You're accepting."
Taub," Okay, I accept. She has adult-onset epilepsy, and she really likes those Saint Patrick's Day beers."
House, [looking away] Go check out the House and the office for toxins and infections.
Taub, Her neuro exam was normal. No subsequent seizures. It's not life-threatening. It's not important.
House," Luckily, neither are you."
Kutner, You okay?
Taub, I'm fine.
Kutner," You and House this morning, the way you were arguing."
Taub, Airing disagreements doesn't qualify as arguing.
Kutner," Come on, Man. I'm just trying to help. We're friends."
Taub, There are 400 Japanese teenagers you were playing Halo with last night you're better friends with. Your avatar should ask their avatars how they're doing.
Kutner, I consider you a good friend Even if we don't hang that much outside work.
Taub, I wasn't arguing with him.
Kutner, You kinda were.
Taub," Fine, I was. [He picks up a bottle of pills.] And you know what, I was right."
Taub," You got conned. Methylthioninium chloride. Notable side effect, green urine. She's a nurse. She knows the dosage. Knows how to fake a seizure. She pees pea soup and gets the warm attention of doctors all week long. She's a Munchausen and you're her mark."
House, So your insight is based on discovering an anti-Alzheimer's drug at an old-age home.
Taub, No good reason it'd be sitting in her desk.
House, You Ever tried to pee on yourself in public? It's not easy.
Taub," Sorry, I rushed the Jewish frat. We peed in private."
House, For good reason. I can spot a fake seizure. Which means this was real. Which means her pRoblem is phenol.
Taub," Carbolic acid? Yeah, maybe she accidentally inhaled some at a gout treatment facility circa 1890."
House, It's still in some antiseptic throat sprays. She's been chugging it all winter for her colds. Phenol explains the seizure and the urine.
Taub, She'd have to drink five bottles a day.
House, Which is why I'm sure you won't have trouble discovering evidence of it when you search her House. Bye. [Taub leaves. To Kutner] And you can start her on charcoal hemoperfusion for the phenol poisoning. [Kutner starts to leave.] Seriously?
Kutner," Oh, you were lying about the throat spray. That does make more sense. So why are you wasting Taub's time?"
House, Because I don't want him to know that I'm wasting my time disproving his fake seizure theory. [He indiCates zipping his lip.] Zip.
Neil," Chris? Taub, right? Neil Zane. I was two years under you at Collegiate High, remember?"
Taub, Sure.
Neil, So you're some big doctor here now?
Taub, I'm a doctor. You?
Neil, I was speaking at an econ course over at the university. I tripped and banged my leg.
Taub, I have some time. Come with me.
Morgan, Hi. Tests back?
House, Head CT was negative.
Morgan, What about a thyroid uptake or abdominal ultrasound?
House, Sure. How about I flash some lights in front of your face first?
Morgan, You want me to have another seizure?
House, We're gonna have to give up the room unless we can confirm a pRoblem.
Morgan, Okay.
House, Dammit.
Morgan," Please forgive me, I'm so sorry."
House, What are you worried about? You have maybe a night in jail for fraud. I have to go tell one of my employees he was right.
Morgan, I'm not a Munchausen. I'm gonna die unless you help me.
House, You'll have to come up with something more original.
Morgan, A cat predicted my death.
House," Cats make terrible doctors. Oh no, wait, that's women. You're screwed. [He leaves.]"
Taub, How'd you slip?
Neil," Oh, I've had this dizziness pRoblem for a while now."
Taub, You get checked for labyrinthitis?
Neil, On antibiotics for a week. No difference.
Taub, Lie down a sec.
Neil," Whoa, whoa, I'm dizzy."
Taub, That's normal. [Turning Neil's head from side to side.] So what are you teaParkng?
Neil," Entrepreneurship. I'm a CEO, Ost Tech Industries. We make medical devices."
Taub," All right, you can sit up."
Neil," So did that tell you anything? Did I! [He flexes his jaw and moves his head.] Oh, my God. The! you just cured me."
Taub, I figured you had a tiny calcium deposit in your inner ear. I just shifted it around.
Neil, I've seen three doctors for this. I'm buying you dinner.
Taub, Forget it.
Neil, Come on. I'm also an investor in a club. We'll make it a night out.
Taub," No, I'm married. Boring."
Neil, I know some married people who aren't boring.
Taub," A few years back, I was one of them. Good luck, Neil."
House," If you're going to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order."
Morgan," This is the cat, Debbie. Have you heard of her?"
House," Debbie. Sorry, but without a last name!"
Morgan," She was in the news. We found her as a kitten. She lives in the nursing home. She only sleeps next to people when they're about to die. [House enters his office and closes the door in her face.] Ten Patients in the last year. And then yesterday she did it to me while I was sitting on my couch. Please, the whole staff, the doctors Even, we all know this is real."
House, [calling from his desk] Can you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the Prince of Nigeria.
Morgan," Just watch this video. [She holds a tape against the door.] It'll prove I'm not lying. Dr. House, I am begging you. [She starts to gasp loudly and drops the tape. She puts down the carrier as she sinks to the floor.] Chest."
House, Quick! Before she goes without attention for eight seconds.
Foreman, House.
House," [He gets up, goes to the door but doesn't open it.] She's faking. The cat told me."
Foreman, Listen. [House comes out and takes the stethoscope.] Soft breath sounds. Means it's bronchospasm. Can't fake that.
TV Announcer," Debbie the cat spends most of her time just prowling the halls, the queen of her own private world."
House," Gotta say, I don't think the changes they've made to American Idol really work for me."
Morgan," [on TV] When Debbie climbs on a Patient's bed and goes to sleep, we call the loved ones and tell them to come in."
Cuddy, You want to treat her? She's a nut job.
House, Don't we all have quirks? Aren't those eccentricities what make us huMan?
Morgan, [on TV] It's like Debbie's here on earth to bring people to the other side.
TV Announcer, The doctors we spoke to also agree!
House, Nut jobs get sick too.
Cuddy, So you think this cat story is nonsense. And you admit she faked her earlier symptoms. But you still think she's actually sick now?
House," Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice."
Cuddy, Confirm she's faking or I'm gonna have to kick her out.
House, There's that voice again.
Cuddy, I'll give you 24 hours.
House, Consecutive?
Kutner, What are you doing?
House," [holding Debbie] No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die. Bronchospasm, go."
Foreman, BronParktis.
Thirteen," No cough, no fEver, and Blofeld didn't smoke a cigar."
House," He might have. Dude had a lair. Means he was rich. [He puts Debbie on the floor.] Rich people enjoy a good stogie, sometimes send them as gifts. Hey, Taub! Did that sound like I was awkwardly trying to segue into making a point?"
Taub, Yes.
Thirteen, Emphysema.
Foreman," Lungs were clean on the CT. Dogs can be trained to predict diabetic comas, epileptic seizures; they can smell cancer. It is possible there's something in this cat."
House, It's more possible that it was just a coincidence. 10 million nursing homes.
Thirteen, Debbie was able to predict there was something wrong with the Patient before you were. Is that a coincidence too?
Foreman, Maybe the cat didn't predict anything. Might have caused the deaths.
House, We shoulda listened to Ted Nugent.
Foreman," Yeah, it could be cat scratch fEver or visceral larva migrans. Maybe he didn't kill Everyone at the nursing home, but it may be killing Morgan."
House, The worms hop from the cat to the cat lady's lungs. I could buy that.
Taub, [pulling an empty cigar box from House's trash] Those cigars were for me.
House," Hey, that reminds me, why is some fancy CEO sending you a box of Cuban cigars? Is it related to your money worries?"
Kutner, What money worries?
House," Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say that he lost almost all his money on the market last year."
Taub, I'm on a diet.
House, I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forget to log off. But it's mostly the muffins. Scope her for worms in the lungs.
Kutner, We could help out in there.
Taub," Yeah, it takes at least four people to look inside a crazy Woman's lungs for imaginary worms."
Kutner, So you're in a good mood again. You need another speech about what a great friend I am?
Taub," I'm telling my wife we don't need to downsize, but maybe we do."
Kutner, You really lost all that money?
Taub, I don't care about the money. I just feel bad for Rachel.
Kutner, She married a guy in one situation and ended up with another. That's hard on anyone.
Taub, Thanks. Makes me feel much better hearing my wife's a gold digger.
Kutner," No, I just meant she married this master of the universe, successful surgeon, and now he's basically, you know, a flunky for this mad scientist! who saves lives, so that's good."
Thirteen, There are no worms in the lungs.
House, What else could cause bronchospasm?
Foreman, SEvere acid reflux.
Thirteen, No esophagitis. It's not reflux.
Kutner, Why are you pushing a crash cart?
House," Because Patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways."
Kutner, Why are we in the coma Patients' room?
Thirteen, You actually think the cat is going to predict someone's death?
House," No, I know the cat is not going to predict anyone's death. Then I will have scientifically disproved!"
Kutner," You didn't keep this Patient despite the cat, you kept this Patient because of the cat. You're scared there's something to it."
House," If I could prove the non-existence of an omniscient God who lovingly guides us to the other side, I would. Cat version will have to do. [He shoves Debbie toward Kutner who pulls back slightly.] Are you scared?"
Kutner," Cats' brains are always in alpha mode. The few scientific tests that have seemed to confirm psyParkc phenomena, that's where it takes place."
House, Please tell me that you were kidding so I won't have to fire you.
Kutner, I was kidding.
Foreman," We still have a huMan Patient, right? Airborne allergens possible?"
Thirteen, Skin test was negative.
Foreman, Lungs may be more sensitive.
Taub," Or House just screwed up. If you misinterpreted the breath sounds as soft instead of loud, it's laryngospasm instead of bronchospasm, which you can get from a simple panic attack, which she was having."
Foreman," I also heard the lung sounds too, Taub. You saying I screwed up?"
Taub," ""Screwed up"" is maybe too harsh, but yes."
Thirteen, Don't you want to check their charts?
House, Of course not. This is a double-blind. I don't want to Even subconsciously
Kutner, Her name's Debbie.
Taub, Are those welts on that guy's arm?
Foreman, Were they here when we got here?
Thirteen, [checking the chart] He has a sEvere cat allergy.
House, [injecting the Patient with something] That nEver happened.
Kutner, Look at Debbie.
House," Good news, Mister! Limpert, when you don't die tonight you will finally have done something good for the world as opposed to your life as a! fireMan. Foreman's airborne allergen theory makes the most sense. Do a methacholine challenge on Catgirl to check it out."
Cuddy," I told you to get rid of ""death cat."""
House, Do you see a cat?
Cuddy, I see a litter box.
House," [brandishing his cane] This is a disability, Dr. Cuddy. Can't make it to the men's room on time."
Cuddy, You pee on the mice too?
House," Well, now you see the mice actually prove that I don't have a cat. [There's a tank of mice in the corner.]"
Cuddy, Are these! are these the genetically modified lab mice from oncology?
House, Genetically modified for tastiness. [He smacks his lips together sEveral times.]
Cuddy, [taking the mice] Get rid of the cat and get rid of your Patient.
House, My team's doing a methacholine challenge.
Cuddy," Your team just completed a methacholine challenge, which came up negative."
House, Who told you about the test? Taub?
Cuddy, I'll nEver say. But yes.
House," Her airways clamped down. I heard it. We kick her onto the street, it could happen again. I wish there was a lawsuit cat. It could warn you."
Cuddy," I'm sorry, but if you won't escort her out, I'll have to get security to do it. [She leaves.]"
House, You're joining me for a good-bye smoke.
Morgan, I don't smoke.
House," Fine. If you don't want the sEventh graders to think you're cool. [He lights a cigar and blows the smoke at her.] I went through your purse. Horoscopes. Good luck charms. You went to a good college, good nursing school. So you weren't always a superstitious idiot."
Morgan, I'm not a super!
House," How 'bout four years, that sound right? That's when you switched from a family insurance plan to the one you're on now."
Morgan, I was married. I got divorced.
House," Two years before that, you got Parkcken pox shots, which you only get in adulthood when you have a kid. Or I should say when you had a kid because no kid has come to visit you. Which all makes me think something bad happened."
Morgan," It was my stepson, Timothy. [She coughs as House continues to blow smoke at her.]"
House, What happened?
Morgan, He was in school. He was having his morning snack. And he choked. And the teacher saw it and they did Everything that they were supposed to. He shouldn't have died.
House, You want to make it make sense.
Morgan, [crying] What's wrong with that?
House," It's meaningless, is what's wrong. What's wrong is that it doesn't do a thing to bring your kid back, or put you and your ex together again. [Morgan starts coughing.] Rash on your neck. PRobably not enough for Cuddy. [He puffs harder, blowing the smoke at Morgan.]"
Morgan, I can't breathe.
House," Hey, doc. [He calls over a doctor who is nearby.] Breath sound soft to you, doc? [The doctor listens to Morgan's chest and nods.] Hooray! You're officially sick."
House," Churg-Strauss fits best. Here's the plan! Taub, change the litter box."
Taub, This is pathetic. You're still punishing me for calling you out on the green urine lady?
House," Nope, this is for ratting me out to Cuddy. I'm not asking you to apologize, just scoop some poop out of a box."
Foreman, Just clean it.
Taub, Let House do it.
Foreman," Yeah, that'll happen. He won't just continue to let our room smell like cat pee. I'll clean it next time."
Taub, I'm outta here.
Kutner," Now that you've delivered that important lesson, I'm gonna go test the Patient."
House," What, you think your bag's gonna die now?"
Kutner, Now you're punishing me because you think I'm superstitious? What do you care?
House," It's not so much about me caring per se. It's more about me wondering why you're such a credulous idiot. Thirteen, start the Patient on steroids for the Churg-Strauss. Unless we have something we need to argue about."
Taub, This is good stuff.
Neil, The best. It's made from the distilled sweat of recently laid-off hedge fund Managers. Aren't you happy you came out tonight?
Taub," Yeah. I wasn't actually going to, but not the greatest day at work. I used to have an office like this."
Neil, Used to?
Taub," When I was a plastic surgeon. But one day I took stock of my life and ! Uh, screw it. I had an affair with the daughter of one of my partners. They signed a non-disclosure. I signed a non-compete. And the funny thing is I wound up telling my wife anyway. You like your job?"
Neil, Same as you. Same as Everyone. It has its ups and downs.
Taub, You're lying to make me feel better.
Neil," Yeah, it's the best. I'm in charge, you know? I'm a kid with toys. Speaking of which, what do you think of the prototype?"
Taub, [picking up a tool] It's amazing. Gotta make it a half-inch smaller though.
Neil, You serious?
Taub," I got small hands, 6.5 gloves, like women surgeons, which are your fastest-growing market. Meaning the girls would have to use two hands to hit the switch."
Neil," Why do I bother paying the idiots that work for me? Put down that crap you're drinking, because I am breaking out the really good stuff."
Thirteen, What's wrong?
Morgan, I went to the bathroom. My urine!
Thirteen, Green again?
Morgan," It's brown. I didn't do anything, honest."
House, I'm just a girl who can't say no.
Thirteen, It is possible she's still faking.
House," [hanging his cane on a bookshelf] She didn't fake the bronchospasm. You think she's faking some stuff but not other stuff? Maybe she's ""Unchausen""."
Thirteen, I'm just saying the brown urine doesn't make sense.
Kutner, What?
House, Nothing.
Thirteen, We've ruled out Every possible cause for brown urine. No blood in the urine. Liver and kidneys fine.
House, Brown could be fecal. A fistula!
Thirteen, We checked.
Foreman, How do we know the urine is still brown?
House, Had to be. Once you've gone brown!
Foreman," If we've ruled out Everything that can make the urine brown, what if it just looked brown? If the green dye nEver left her system, what plus green makes brown?"
House, [sitting] Purple. Strep bovis infection from colon cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome would explain the bronchospasm.
Thirteen, We scoped her when we checked for the fistula. There's no tumor.
House," Oh, no."
Kutner, I wasn't scared by the umbrella either.
House," What? Not Everything's about you, Kutner."
Kutner, I realize it's stupid. I just! I don't know Everything. I don't want to invite!
House," Great, 'cause I thought your superstitiousness had to do with your folks being killed. But ""you're stupid"" works just as well. [He cracks a hard boiled egg against his forehead and starts peeling it.]"
Taub, [entering] Why is there a ladder here?
House," Oops. Forgot that one. [He picks up the ladder and repositions it diagonally across the doorway.] Scopes don't work as well as pillcams. Give her one. Find the tumor. Come with me, tiny Taub."
Taub, Sorry I was late again. I've got a long commute from the poor House.
House," Knew it when I hired you. You'd Eventually miss the money, being the big shot like your new CEO friend, if that night club stamp on your hand is any indication."
Taub," Don't worry, I'm not quitting."
House, I know. Guy who signs a non-compete instead of just telling his wife that he cheated doesn't have the guts to quit.
Taub, Bad example. I did tell her.
House," From guilt, not from courage. And bravely running to Cuddy behind my back. Arriving heroically late Every day. Cowards make lousy employees. Maybe you're a coward, maybe you're quitting. Either way, I'm screwed. [He leaves.]"
House," You will note how ""Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!""ÔøΩ has snuggled up by Coma Guy over there. And more importantly, she did yesterday as well. And he's still breathing. We done?"
Morgan, [standing and walking to the bed] Thank you for showing me this. But maybe she's just confused in this new environment.
House," In 1844 a preacher in upstate New York added up some dates in the bible and predicted Jesus' return. His followers gave away all their possessions and showed up in a field. Guess who didn't show. So the preacher said that he miscalculated, and they went right back the next month but with more followers. Every time he was irrefutably proved wrong, it redoubled Everyone's belief."
Morgan," I know I sound just like them, but I also know you're wrong. Something terrible's gonna happen to me."
Wilson, You're trying to prove to her she's not dying?
House, That would be dumb as she might be dying.
Wilson, This Woman lost her kid. Why are you attacking beliefs that give her a little bit of comfort?
House, I don't care if her superstitions make her feel better. I just want her to think more clearly.
Wilson, Oh. Maybe that could make her as happy as you are. [The elevator arrives and they step inside.] Where are we going?
House," Experimenting. [The ""backpack""ÔøΩ yowls. Another doctor in the elevator looks around.] Stop it, Dr. Wilson. It's just not cute anymore!"
Wilson, You already experimented on the coma guy. Haven't you proved your point?
House, Not to the Patient. And not to the millions of idiots who drooled over that news item about the magic cat.
Wilson, Why are you so obsessed with this? Can't you just call her an idiot and leave Everyone alone?
House," Hey, look, kids, therapy cat."
Billy," You're a liar. Therapy animals are dogs, not cats."
House, Aren't you feisty? This one's special. If she likes you interesting stuff happens.
Wilson," No, okay. Uh, kids, playtime's over. [The kids leave.] You know what, this is a good thing. Because either you're starting to doubt yourself, which is healthy, or ÔøΩ"
House, I don't beliEve in the legend of goodbye kitty.
Wilson," Or, you're starting to give a crap what other people think. Which is just another way of saying you give a crap about other people."
House," I'd love to hear more of your theory, but I don't give a crap. [He checks the message on the phone] Also, the pillcam's back."
House, Polypoid. Raised edges.
Thirteen," Raised edges are actually necessary, since that's the opening to the appendix."
Kutner, How Many times are we gonna watch this? There's no tumor.
House," Oh my God, the death cat is attacking your legs. You're going to die."
Kutner, Maybe it has something to do with that little red dot dancing around down there.
House," [continuing to point the laser at Kutner's feet] Oh my God, the death laser is attacking your legs. You're going to die."
Thirteen, We're wasting time looking for cancer. She's still walking around. She's still pretty healthy. Maybe it's something minor.
Kutner, Maybe we're not wasting time. We wouldn't have seen a flat lesion.
House, Skin cancer could have metastasized to the intestines. Cool. Check for melanomas.
Kutner," Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come here. Here, kitty. [He opens the door to the conference room. She meows once but doesn't move. Kutner leaves through that door, instead.]"
House, What?
Kutner, It's not cancer. We found spider veins on her back. They weren't there when she came in.
House," Spider veins means Cushing's. Could cause an abdominal disturbance, brown urine!"
Kutner, But the bronchospasm?
House, Cushing's myopathy. It's uncommon but! [He turns on the light and winces.] Wait a second. You didn't wake me up to tell me a symptom that's not killing her. What else is going on?
Kutner, I think she's dying.
House, I just told you it's Cushing's. We treat!
Kutner, I don't mean because of the spider veins. Mr. Limpert died.
House, If that's my high school gym teacher!
Kutner," It's your coma Patient. He was stable for a year and a half, and he just died. The cat was right, House."
House," Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss."
Foreman," [standing with his hands in his pockets, not searParkng] Say ""puss"" one more time. It's the sixth ""puss"" that really does it."
House," You're right. Sulking will solve Everything. That cat sat on my lap, and that cat knows something."
Kutner, You beliEve it now?
Thirteen, Yesterday it was all a coincidence.
House, Yesterday it was until I unintentionally proved it wasn't.
Foreman, Patient must have Cushing's. We have to figure out whether it's based in!
Kutner, Cat's nose is powerful. It could smell liver or kidney failure.
House," Exactly, except if you'd glanced at the nursing home files I had faxed over this morning, you'd know that most of the Patients' livers and kidneys were fine; what else?"
Foreman, MRI's aren't telling us if the Cushing's in her adrenals or her brain.
House, So check her ACTH.
Kutner, A cat's vision is at the blue end of the spectrum.
Foreman, ACTH is 11.7. It's too close to tell. We can't treat the wrong organ 'cause that won't solve anything. She could have a cortisol storm. Could kill her.
House," Well, maybe as the senior fellow you could have made sure that my doors were closed, so that I could be concentrating on the cat instead of looking for the cat."
Kutner, You all right? Your nose.
Foreman, What'd he say?
Kutner," Sounds like he said ""do you like cranberry juice?"" [He checks the red stuff on his lab coat.] Crap."
House, Cheaper than fake blood. And more cran-tastic. Don't Ever leave my door open like that again.
Foreman, You're playing pranks and this Woman could be dying.
House," So have Chase do a venous sampling in her brain. If he finds something, it's there. If he finds nothing, it's the adrenals."
Taub, I'm not who I used to be. I'm scared. That's not a way to live. I want to come work for you.
Neil," Jeez, Chris, you didn't think! I didn't mean to imply that I could hire you right now."
Taub, You said you needed guys like me.
Neil," I know, but! You don't have an MBA. And I just hired a Parkef medical Officer."
Taub, Let me invest in that laser scalpel start-up. I got money saved. Not a ton but!
Neil," We put in a $2 million minimum for the first round financing. Look, I guess I could take you on at a smaller number. But you have to understand, it wouldn't be some quick payoff."
Taub," Yeah, I know. I know it's not gonna change my life overnight. I just need to start changing it."
Neil," Okay then, let's start."
Wilson, What exactly are you hoping to find inside your dead coma guy?
House, Catnip. Chew toy. I don't know. That's why I'm looking!
Chase," [enters with Foreman] Your Patient had cardiac arrest during the venous sampling. We got her back, but her heart's still tenuous."
House, That tell us anything?
Foreman," She's weak, possibly dying."
House, So nothing. What about the ACTH?
Chase, Slightly elevated.
House, That confirms the Cushing's is in the brain! go.
Chase, Are you sure that it's Cushing's? You'd expect central body obesity. She's in good shape.
House," If it had a normal presentation, there wouldn't be a cat involved."
Foreman, So it's the brain. That means the next question is whether to remove the pituitary right now!
House, That's not a question for me. That's a question for the Patient. You'll present both sides and let her decide.
Chase, All right. [He and Foreman leave.]
Wilson, I've got to stop telling you my theories. You always just try to prove me wrong.
House, You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one. Photo's on my blog.
Wilson," Normally, you'd be up in the Patient room hectoring her on what to do. Instead you're up to your elbows in some irrelevant dead guy who may or may not be connected to a magic cat because you want to prove to me that you don't care."
House, Case is over. I'm exploring a scientific mystery.
Wilson, I put up with your obsessions. I Even encourage them for one reason: they save lives. I don't know what you're doing now.
Chase, Cushing's means your body's overproducing a hormone called cortisol. The recommended course of action is to suppress it with drugs.
Morgan, And that will cure it?
Chase," Just treat it. It could come back. The only perManent solution is to cut into your brain and remove your pituitary gland, but the surgery's dangerous. Your heart stopped on the table once already."
Morgan, I want the surgery. This thing is gonna kill me if I don't kill it first.
Chase, Because of the cat?
Morgan, Do you want to tell me what an idiot I'm being?
Chase, No. I really beliEve that there are things that science can't understand. That there is a role for faith and prayer. But it's in the waiting room. Not the O.R.
Morgan, There's a reason I got sick. There's a reason for all the bad things that have happened to me. I don't know what that reason is. But I know that if there isn't one! If there's no greater purpose in the world. Then it's not a world I want to live in.
Chase, I'll schedule an operating room.
House, Early.
Taub, I'm not staying long. I'm quitting.
House, You got a new job?
Taub, No.
House," Well then, you're not quitting. See you back here tomorrow."
Taub, You're not accepting my resignation?
House," Easier this way. It avoids the whole thing where you panic, run back and grovel, and I punish you and then take you back."
Taub, Bye.
House, Bring donuts. Everyone loves those bear claws.
House," Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss. Puss?"
Secretary, Mr. Taub.
Taub, I've been waiting 15 minutes. Where's Neil?
Secretary, Neil doesn't work here anymore.
Taub, He's the CEO.
Secretary, I'm sorry. I wish I could help you. Sorry.
Taub, This is crazy. I'm investing with his company.
Secretary," He doesn't have a company. He worked here, but he was a receptionist, a temp."
Taub, Where is he?
Secretary, He's in custody. I really am not supposed to say anything else.
Taub, I went to high school with him.
Secretary, That's what Everyone else thought too. I'm guessing you also cured his ear pRoblem. Did you give him the money yet?
Taub, No.
House," I was right. And more satisfyingly, you were wrong. It was a coincidence. The cat was not predicting deaths. It was just trying to keep warm."
Wilson," Yes, dead people are renowned for their warm glow."
House," They are if they're fEverish, like three of the Patients were. Or if they're wasting away, like the other eight."
Wilson, Wasting doesn't!
House," Yeah, it does. If it means someone sticks a heating blanket on you."
Wilson," Congrats. Because of your crazy obsession with this cat, you've solved a completely trivial mystery."
House," Completely trivial. My God. It's clearly only partially trivial. Debbie climbed on Morgan too, which means she was overheated. So what causes flushing and mimics Every Cushing's symptom except central body obesity?"
Wilson, Cancer. A corticotropin-producing carcinoid tumor of the intestine. But your pillcam didn't find anything.
House, Means it must be somewhere the pillcam couldn't go.
Wilson," The appendix. Congratulations, you pRobably saved her life. You definitely saved her needless surgery."
House," Yes, I did. [grabs the phone] What's the O.R. extension number? Just curious."
Morgan, Thank you.
House, I wouldn't come here for thanks. That would be ungracious. It's more about gloating. You were about to cut out a piece of your brain just to Chase some crazy superstition.
Morgan, But I didn't.
House," You ""didn't"" didn't do anything. I stopped it."
Morgan, And what made you do that?
House, Science. Logic. Reason. Pick any three.
Morgan, A cat chooses that exact moment to sit on your computer. Maybe that's science and logic and reason or maybe it's something else.
House, You're an idiot.
Morgan, I looked up the preacher from New York State. His followers nEver faded out. They became the SEventh Day Adventists. A major religion. That Man changed the course of history.
House, Because his followers were as deluded as he was.
Morgan, Maybe he just gave them something to live for.
House, Feel better. [He leaves.]
House, Kutner! [Kutner comes in from the conference room.] Cat pee on my chair?
Kutner, Blood on my face?
House, Fake blood! [Kutner just stares at him.] You pay for the dry-cleaning. [He picks up his cars and his backpack and leaves.]
Thirteen, Why are you still alive?
Kutner, I'm not sure.
Thirteen, I guess he was impressed that you stood up to him ÔøΩ and got a cat to pee on his chair.
Kutner," [enunciating clearly] Yeah, a cat!"
House, See you tomorrow.
Taub, Yeah.
Lee," [VO, groggy] Hey. How long have I!"
Kurtz," Blunt force trauma to the head did the fatal damage. Since the accident, he's had a continuous!"
Lee, [VO] I can't get up?
Kurtz, No episodes of hyperten!
Lee, [VO] What's wrong with my legs?
Kurtz, EKG's show normal!
Lee, [VO] Hey. Someone talk to me. You don't hear me talking to you?
Kurtz," Normal feeling, pressure, normal C.K. Troponin! [He comes over and looks at Lee.] Great heart for transplant."
Lee," [VO] Who. My heart? Oh, God! They don't know I'm in here."
House," [VO] Hey, genius. I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Possibly certain law laws too."
Lee, [VO] Thank you. Thank you.
Kurtz," Could you, um, get back in your bed, please, Mr. House?"
House," It's actually Doctor House. [House comes into view or, rather, his blue shirt does. The left elbow is ripped and bloody.]"
Lee, [VO] This guy's a doctor?
House, There's also Navy Seal House. But you're going to have to save up for that one.
Kurtz," Really? Well, that's interesting, but! you're here because you crashed your motorcycle, not because I need a consult. So, get back in bed."
House," Scraped my elbow. I just need a truckload of Vicodin. Whereas, this guy!"
Kurtz, He's brain dead.
Lee," [VO] No, I'm not!"
Kurtz, So drop it.
House, See that?
Kurtz, Minimal brain waves don't mean he's alive.
Lee," [VO, shouting over Kurtz's voice] I am alive! I'm here!"
Kurtz," No EKG response to painful stimuli, hot or cold. What you're seeing is random, barely discernable."
House, I discerned it.
Lee," [VO] Listen to him, please."
Kurtz," No, that's just the amplifier's internal noise lEvel. It's on increased sensitivity. [He starts to leave.]"
Lee," [VO] No, no, no, it's not! It's me."
House, Then why is his eye following you?
Lee, [VO] Exactly.
Kurtz, [turning back] Following motion's an involuntary reflex.
Lee, [VO] No.
Kurtz, You're a doctor! you should know these things. [He leaves.]
Lee," [VO] No, no, I'm not dead. I need help. I'm here!"
House, I also know about locked-in syndrome! That things are either involuntary! or voluntary. Blink if you can hear me.
Lee, [VO] I hear you. [The screen goes dark for a second as Lee blinks.]
House," Oh, this is going to be fun."
Kurtz," Eye movement is deliberate. Can you blink once for ""yes,"" twice for ""no?"""
Lee," [VO, blinking once] I hope so."
House," The square root of nine? [three blinks] He got that faster than you. Brain is fully functional. [House has an ugly bruise on his left cheekbone, directly under the eye.]"
Kurtz, Lee!
Lee, [VO] Where's Molly?
Kurtz, You were in an accident.
Lee," [VO] Lee, hit the brake, hit the brake, hit the brake!"
Kurtz," You've sustained a traumatic injury to your brain stem, which has cut off your brain's ability to communiCate with the rest of your body."
Lee, [VO] Can you fix me? Where's Molly?
Kurtz, You still have movement in your eyes. So we can get you to a rehab facility where they can teach you how to communiCate.
Lee," [VO] No, I can't be stuck like this."
House, Unless! the crash didn't cause the brain damage. Maybe the brain damage caused the crash.
Lee, [VO] Yeah. I couldn't stop. Why couldn't I stop?
House, [checking Lee's hands] Look at his palms. No scrapes. He didn't Even try to protect himself. Suggests slowed reflexes! or no reflexes.
Kurtz, You're not a doctor in this hospital. You are a Patient.
Lee," [VO] Yeah, and you're the guy who wants to cut out my organs, and he's the guy who doesn't."
House," [ignoring Kurtz] Get me the scans. Stroke, cancer, Even a simple infection. Anything that insults the central pons could do this."
Lee, [VO] Then that means that I could be fixed.
Kurtz, You're giving him false hope. He needs to accept what's happened. And work on making the most of it. [He leaves.]
Lee, [VO] Molly.
Molly, Hey.
Lee, [VO] Don't look at me like that. That's not making me feel better. I love you.
Molly, I don't know how God is going to get us through this. But he will.
House, Stop it. I'm blushing.
Kurtz, What are you doing?
House, Just looking for some reading material for the crapper. These CTs ÔøΩ
Kurtz, Get back in your bed. Come on.
Molly, The Parkldren are in the waiting area. Can I bring them in?
Lee," [VO] No. No, don't. [two blinks]"
Molly, You don't want to see them? [two blinks]
Lee," [VO] I don't want them having nightmares. I don't want to scare them, Molly."
Molly, You don't want them to see you? [one blink] It's okay. I understand. You're going to be better soon enough. [She leans over and kisses him.]
Lee," [VO] You really that sure? Why are you so sure, babe? How'd you get so sure?"
Foreman, You okay?
House, NEver better.
Kutner, Here's your burger.
House," If you can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. That's my diagnostics posse. Hot, dark and darker. [He gestures using a French fry.]"
Lee," [VO] Talk about getting me better, please."
Thirteen, What are you doing up in Middletown?
Lee, [VO] Who cares?
House, Buying a Gibson '57 Goldtop. It's the guitar Duane AllMan used to play.
Foreman," Next to the trauma, the most likely causes of a sudden onset of locked-in syndrome are basilar artery stroke and brain hemorrhage."
House, CT was clean.
Lee," [VO] Man, those fries look good."
Foreman, Certain circulatory diseases.
House," Guy's an active bike rider, his heart's fine."
Lee," [VO] Jeez, is the last thing I ate gonna be the last thing I ate?"
Thirteen, It could evade the CT and still show up on an MRI with contrast.
Lee, [VO] It was a melted PowerBar.
House," She's the smart one. I just keep dark and darker to fill out the quota. If we find it, treat it, you could be fine."
Lee," [VO] I nEver thought I'd be praying for a brain tumor, but please, dear God."
House," If you're praying in there, stop it right now."
Kutner, We'll get his doctor to order an MRI.
House," His doctor's busy teaParkng him how to blink out ""kill me"" in Morse code. Luckily, I found some forms under the mattress. [He pulls them out. Kutner hands him a pen and he signs them.]"
Kutner," Check it out, they have those MRI video goggles. I heard these were awesome."
Thirteen, What do you see?
Kutner," It's a beach. Oh, look, there's Taub! drinking a margarita and mocking us for driving all the way up here."
Lee," [VO] Easy, I can still feel in here."
Thirteen," Excuse Dr. Kutner. He gets a little excited about new technology. It can get loud in there, and a little closed off. These will put you in a quiet place. You can create a relaxing scenario for yourself. [She puts the goggles on Lee.]"
Lee, I hope they! [white clouds are seen] work! wow. [It's a beach. House is there in a beach chair with a bottle of beer at hand.] You're in my relaxing scenario?
House, I guess you like me.
Lee, Either that or you got sent here.
House, What? By God?
Lee, I'm not sure if I beliEve in God.
House, You spend an awful lot of time in church for someone who doesn't.
Lee, I don't not beliEve either.
House, It's either one or the other.
Lee," I go to church mainly to keep my wife happy, but! I don't know, I've nEver actually thought that God could reach out and affect my life. But getting a brilliant doctor in the bed next to me?"
House, God is also the guy who opened his car door in front of you.
Lee, I think Molly was right. I think you were sent here to make me get better.
House, I think so.
Lee, Hey.
Drake," Hey, Dad. Making a volcano."
Lee," You're making a volcano? Looks like it. What you doing, baby?"
Lee, [VO] What time is it?
House, Hope you don't mind. My new roommate snores. And my new room doesn't have you. [He turns on the light.] Your MRI showed a lesion in the central pons. [Pulls out MRI film.]
Lee, [VO] What is that? What does that mean?
House, See it there? [He points to a spot on the film.]
Lee, [VO] No.
House," Mm, that's what they said. But it's there. Which means no way head trauma did this. It's cancer, causing a paraneoplastic syndrome. Unfortunately, your current doctor thinks its diffuse nature means an infection. Now the bad news is, the antivirals he's got you on might kill you."
Lee, [VO] I'm not gonna die.
House," But the good news is if they just almost kill you, then Dr. Idiot will realize that his name is not a coincidence and he'll let me do whatEver I want."
Lee, [VO] Thank you.
House," See, the irony here is! you're kind of fascinating. So Many questions. But if you could answer any of them, then you wouldn't be fascinating."
Lee," [VO] I get it. You're a little nuts, aren't you?"
House," Your wife is the one getting you through this. Your wife and me. Although frankly, the MRI was a lot more useful than four hours of hand-holding. I think."
Lee," [VO] If he had a wife, he'd know why it matters."
House, You're a good guy. Easy to talk to.
Lee," [VO] Wait, something's happening. What's happening to me? [From Lee's point of view, Everything is shaking like the room has been hit by an earthquake.]"
House, Need some help in here! Your Patient is seizing.
Molly, Why would he have a seizure?
House, Because he has cancer!
Kurtz, His brain stem is compromised.
Lee, [VO] Why are you still arguing with this guy? You thought I was dead.
House," Welcome back. And nicely played. You almost died. [Out of side of his mouth as if it were a secret, but at normal speaking volume.] Exactly as we planned."
Molly, You knew this was going to happen?
House," It usually happens when you treat cancer by pretending it's not cancer. Right, doctor? My turn?"
Molly, It's cancer?
Kurtz," No, it isn't."
Lee, [VO] Yes!
House," A small tumor in his brain stem, causing paraneoplastic syndrome. He needs plasmapheresis."
Molly, Can you give that to him?
Kurtz," No no, I'm sorry, I completely disagree with Dr. House."
Lee, [VO] Please shut up.
House, I don't. Which means I can treat him.
Lee, [VO] Let him. Let him.
Molly, Is that what you want? [She leans in close to Lee's face.]
Lee, [VO] Absolutely. [one blink]
House, Would you send up a couple of bellboys?
Cuddy, I got the transfer papers. Plasmapheresis is all set up. Are you okay? [She touches the bruise on House's cheek.]
House, Fresh infusion of macho. You like?
Lee," [VO] I can't move, and she's worried about his boo-boo?"
Cuddy," What were you doing up there, anyway?"
House," Antiquing. I found you a late Victorian corset. Come by later, I'll tie you up."
Lee," [VO] Is he hitting on her? [Cuddy stops to sign some papers a nurse hands her.] If she turns around, she's into him too. [She turns] And there you have it."
Taub, [enters] Sorry I didn't show up in Middletown. I didn't get the message.
House, PRobably because there was no message. I've decided to accept your resignation.
Taub," Uh, I thought we were past this. I decided to stay."
House," No, you didn't. You had it decided for you. So now you're stuck here with a boss who knows that you want to be somewhere else. Which means you're no longer motivated to impress me, which means you're no longer motivated to come up with good ideas. Unless I'm wrong. Save the cheerleader. Save your world. [They reach the elevator.] I got it from here."
Lee, [VO] I thought you already solved this. You thinking you might be wrong? What's going on?
Wilson," [approaches] Hey, just curious! what're you driving up to Middletown for?"
House, What do you care?
Lee, [VO] Why does he care?
Wilson, Because I'm your friend.
House, I was buying a guitar.
Wilson," Yeah, I heard that. It used to belong to a guitarist who died in a motorcycle accident. It just reeks of you screwing with people. Your crash was ten miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic."
House," You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. And yet, that's not Even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite."
Wilson, If you're going to another state to get more narcotics!
Lee, [VO] He's on drugs?
House, I went to visit your ex-ex-ex-wife!
Lee, [VO] What?
House, !who lives in Thompson Ridge. I let her know about the extra money you're making on the lecture circuit. So she'll be sure to adjust your alimony.
Wilson, You wouldn't do that.
House, Yeah. I wouldn't do that.
Wilson, Would you?
Lee, [VO] You guys are friends?
Kutner, Shouldn't we be entertaining our Patient?
Taub, I performed Euripides with sock puppets. You just missed it.
Kutner," House said we should. The mind is like a muscle. If you don't exercise it, it'll atrophy, just like anything else. WhoEver's with him needs to talk. Keep his mind active. And it'll show House you still care."
Taub, Not sure if I do.
Lee," [VO] Jeez, you're my doctor?"
Kutner, Then why don't you just quit?
Taub," I'm not sure I want to do that, either."
Kutner, Oh. Maybe you should figure it out before House figures it out for you.
Lee," [VO] Yeah, maybe you should have your midlife crisis after I'm better."
Taub, Kutner! [He nods toward Lee. Kutner looks.]
Kutner, We'll be right back.
Lee," [VO] Wait. Wait, what did you just see?"
Taub, Do you drink?
House, He's a roofer. Alcohol hardly proves your theory.
Thirteen, MarParkafava-Bignami disease fits.
Foreman, LFT's are normal.
Lee, [VO] Speak English. Is it fixable? What does that mean? [Thirteen starts bending Lee's wrist back and forth.] That hurts.
Thirteen, No tremors.
Foreman, How much do you drink? A six-pack a day?
Lee," [VO] I hate beer, I don't Even drink beer."
Thirteen," Could mean he drinks more or less, or maybe something else."
Kutner, It may not be alcohol at all. Street opiates could also cause locked-in!
Lee, [VO] I don't get high.
Kutner, !MPPP.
House," Either we play 20,000 questions with Every street drug, or instead of talking to him, we talk to the lesion."
Lee, [VO] Talk to me.
Taub, We're going to biopsy the brain stem?
House," For the record, that doesn't count as your inspired idea. It's sort of where I was heading."
Lee, [VO] You're going to cut into my head? Why? Stop treating me like a piece of furniture! I have a right to know what's going on!
Lee, [VO] Where's that going?
Thirteen, Blood in your urine clogged up your old catheter.
Lee, [VO] Peeing blood? That must be what the insecure doctor saw. [She starts changing the catheter] Ahhhhhhh.
Thirteen, Every new clue gets us closer to the answer.
Lee, [VO] Damn it.
Thirteen, The surgery will get us more clues. [She flushes out the new tube with a syringe of saline.] You have visitors.
Lee," [VO] No. Oh, Molly."
Thirteen, You can come in.
Jolie, Daddy!
Drake, Daddy!
Lee, [VO] I told you not to bring them.
Molly," Well, they wanted to see their father."
Lee, [VO] I can't Even hug them.
Molly, They can handle it. It's going to be all right.
Lee," [VO] You're not so sure anymore, are you? They must've told you that it's dangerous. That I could die. And that's why you brought them in here."
Drake, I got an A+ on my test.
Lee, [VO] To see me before I die.
Drake," I love you, Daddy."
Lee, [VO] Daddy loves you too.
Jolie, I want to show you my drawings.
Lee, [VO] Kids just want a dad. Even if he's just a lump.
Thirteen, Maybe you should go now.
Lee," [VO] Oh, no. They can stay, please. Let them stay."
Jolie," Bye, Daddy."
Drake," [after a pause] Bye, Daddy."
Thirteen, Sorry. You were crying.
Lee, [VO] Damn.
Chase," We're going to put you out, just so we can drill the hole."
Lee," [VO] Oh, that's very thoughtful of you."
Chase," Then we'll wake you back up. We need you to answer some simple yes or no questions while we're cutting, to make sure we're not cutting anything!"
Lee, [VO] It seems to be working.
Chase," Deep breaths. In about ten seconds, you'll feel lightheaded. And by now! you should be floating!"
Lee, How come I'm not better? God's not supposed to work in trial and error.
House," God's mistakes are well-documented. If he'd done Everything right the first time, there'd have been one plague and zero great floods."
Lee, Those were because of huMan mistakes.
House, You think your doctor has an apartment on Mount Olympus?
Lee," God put me with you for a reason. I'm gonna be all right still, right?"
House, [pause] I don't know.
Chase, Lee. You with me now? Easy questions. You'll be done before you know it. Is this equation correct?
Lee," [VO] What, so if you make a mistake, I'm not going to know that anymore?"
Chase, Are these lines parallel? [Another card. Blink.] Spatial relationships intact. Take a look at this circle. Is more than half of it shaded?
Lee, [VO] Of course.
Chase, Don't forget to blink. Is more than half of the circle shaded?
Lee," [VO] Sorry, yes."
Chase," Look at me, Lee. Again. Is more than half of this circle shaded?"
Lee," [VO] Blink. Come on, Lee, blink."
Chase," Foreman, back out."
Lee, [VO] Why can't I blink? Why can't I blink?
Molly, Why aren't his eyes moving?
House," Two options: My neurologist screwed up, or else something the hospital Lawyer's going to have to come up with when you sue us."
Foreman, Blinking and eye movements are controlled by a small cluster of nerves just millimeters from the biopsy site.
Molly," But he's still in there, right? I mean, he just can't communiCate?"
House," It's possible. Also possible is that the surgery caused so much swelling in his brain stem, that he's just gone."
House, He had one way to communiCate and now that's gone. Well played.
Foreman," Brain biopsy rEvealed sEvere damage to the myelin sheath. Question is, why?"
Taub," Epstein-Barr, picornaviruses, malaria."
Kutner," He runs a business, meets a lot of people he could've picked up rotavirus."
House, Did he report having bloody diarrhea?
Thirteen," The wife's not sure, says he doesn't complain."
House, Did you ask him?
Thirteen," We've prioritized. He can only blink, a real history would've taken weeks."
House," If he had Epstein-Barr, he'd have belly pains. If he had picornavirus, he'd have headaches. Five other yes/no questions, and maybe we'd know what treatment to give. And what treatment would kill him. Unless he's already dead."
Taub, Maybe there's another way.
Taub," Brain computer interface! better known as BCI. The goal is to get you to move that cursor with your mind. When you think ""up"" the computer records the pattern. Think ""up"" enough times, it Eventually learns what you're thinking. So! start thinking ""up."""
Taub, You in there? Are you trying?
Wilson, I called the ex-ex-ex-wife. She was at a sweat lodge in New Mexico last week. What were you really doing in New York?
House, You know how you hate it when I meddle in your lies? I mean your life.
Wilson, Why are you being so evasive? Unless you have something to evade.
House," Interesting. This has nothing to do with you, your ex-wife, or my pain. I was heading to the Downstate Correctional Facility in Fishkill."
Wilson, One of your hookers arrange a conjugal visit?
House, It's where Foreman's brother is being held.
Taub," This is going to mean months of sleepless nights, wondering if I could've done something differently. Maybe it's not that I'm sick of House. It's that I'm sick of being scared out of my mind to go to work Every day. Sorry. [He gets up to leave. There's a beep. He turns back.] Did that just! Was that you? [There's another beep as the cursor moves up.]"
Molly, Are you really in there? [She turns to see the cursor go up as it beeps.] I knew you were in there.
Lee, [VO] I was scared.
Molly, Thank God.
Lee," [VO] I am scared. Molly, I love you so much."
House, Have you had any bloody diarrhea in the last two weeks?
Kutner, Rotavirus out.
House, Any recent joint pain?
Thirteen, Epstein-Barr's out.
Taub, Have you traveled out of the country lately?
Kutner, What about inside the country?
Molly, He was in St. Louis.
House, Good. Could be Missouri malaria. Let's start treatment.
Molly, He was! he was there. The maParkne must not be working.
House," Hmmm. Either that or he lied to you about it. People do that sometimes. For example, I just lied to him about Missouri malaria."
Molly, Did you go to St. Louis?
Lee," [VO] I should've told you. Why didn't I just tell you? Down. [""No""ÔøΩ beep]"
House," When you weren't in St. Louis for two days, I assume you were getting some strange for two days."
Lee," [VO] So does she. [""No""ÔøΩ beep] You have to tell her I wasn't."
House, Amazing. A Man who only has two blips at his disposal can still lie.
Lee, [VO] I'm not lying.
House," If you were getting some really strange strange, you could've contracted neurosyphilis. Infection went to your brain, froze you right up. Good news is it's treatable. You'll be up and moving in time to sign the divorce papers."
Lee," [VO] Why would I tell you the truth about being in St. Louis, [""No""ÔøΩ beep] and then not tell you the truth about this?"
Taub," He just admitted he wasn't in St. Louis in front of his wife, and you think he's lying when she's not Even in here?"
Lee, [VO] I'm liking this one more and more. Don't fire him.
House, Were you out of the state?
Lee," [VO] I nEver left. [""No""ÔøΩ beep]"
House, Were you within 20 miles of your House?
Lee," [VO] Yes. [""Yes""ÔøΩ beep]"
House, [VO] Were you within five miles?
Lee, [VO] Yes.
House, [VO] Within two miles?
Lee, Yes.
House, Did you stay at a hotel?
Lee, No.
House, You had to sleep somewhere. Your car?
Lee, [VO] No.
House, A friend's House?
Lee, Yes. Yes.
House," That narrows it down, depending on how popular you are. Tell the wife to stop crying, get in here. [Molly enters the picture as the camera continues to circle around all three of them on the suburban street.] He says that when he was supposed to be in St. Louis, he was staying at a friend's House."
Molly, Really. [She crosses her arms and glares at Lee.]
Lee, Yes.
House, Let's assume that you beliEve him for the moment. Name your friends within two miles.
Molly, Martin and Kim's?
Lee, No.
House, Guess someone who doesn't have a wife.
Molly, Dave?
Lee, Yes.
House, Got an address?
Taub," If this is where he got sick, someone else here should have symptoms."
Kutner, Not if Lee was the only one coming down to the basement.
Taub," Furnace is rusty, but no gas leaks."
Kutner, Resumes and cover letters here! some are weeks old. He's been spending time here for a while.
Lee, Business wasn't going good. I didn't want you and the kids to worry. I was trying to protect you. [He stands] Molly! I wish you could hear me. I wish I could make all of this better.
Kutner, Looks like he temped a few times. As a janitor. Factory out on Route 10.
Taub, Factory Foreman says they make rechargeable batteries. Mostly for cell phones.
Kutner," Big step down from running your own business, to sweeping up."
Lee, Doing what I had to do.
Kutner," [taking a sample from the floor] Metal filings. Judging by the color, I'd say cadmium."
Taub," Which he'd aerosolize with the broom, then right into his lungs. Heavy metal poisoning explains Everything."
Taub," The chelation will scrub the heavy metals out of your blood. If we are right about the cause, we should see some movement in about a day or so."
Lee, [VO] Can't put this thing on turbo? I'm getting a little anxious in here.
Taub," Somebody will be here at all times to uh, irrigate your eyes, keep you company. Hopefully, it'll help make the time go quicker."
Lee, [VO] My eyes still feel really dry.
Taub," Thank you! for thinking ""up."" For helping me find you in there. Man, when you moved that cursor! [He smiles.]"
Foreman, Bought my first girlfriend a necklace. It was silver. It cost 180 bucks! had to save for six months. She hated it.
Lee," [VO] Really, seriously? Did you tell this story to someone who could walk away?"
Foreman, NEver bought another girlfriend jewelry again. Until Dr. Hadley.
Lee, [VO] You're dating her? You might want to start all your stories with that.
Foreman, Same thing. She didn't Even wear it.
Lee, The diamond thing? She was wearing it the other day.
Foreman," If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Apparently, I suck at picking out jewelry, but least have the guts to tell me."
Lee," Okay, getting boring again. How long till we know if this treatment is working?"
Molly, You lied to me.
Lee, I wasn't having an affair.
Molly, So we needed money. Who cares?
Lee," Last time business was slow, you got migraines Every day."
Molly, Why would you do that to me?
Lee," I'm sorry, I was! I was stupid. I was! don't go! Don't! [She leaves.] Damn it, somebody! put ""I'm sorry"" on this stupid computer. My eye is killing me."
Taub, I want to keep my job.
House, Great. All you gotta do is come up with a good idea.
Taub," How about we hook the guy's brain to a computer, so he can communiCate?"
House, That's a great idea. For the guy who invented the computer that can read minds. Your idea was to use his idea.
Taub," You didn't come up with it. No one else came up with it. If I didn't re-establish communication, we nEver would have found ÔøΩ"
House, What's interesting is why you're here now. Not when I gave you the ultimatum. Was it something the Patient said?
Taub, I realized that what we do here! terrifies me. And! overcoming that is the only way I can matter.
House, Kutner found the battery factory. Kutner came up with the cadmium. Maybe you don't matter.
Thirteen," I'm going to close your eyes so you can get some sleep. Hopefully, when you wake up, we'll see some improvement."
Lee, [VO] Hope that includes my eye feeling better.
Thirteen, [to Foreman] Hand me the flourescein stain.
Lee, [VO] What's that mean?
Thirteen, Epithelium looks torn. These drops sting.
Lee, [VO] Ow!
Thirteen, I'm going to close your left eye to keep it protected. I'm going to blink your eye a few times to distribute the dye. [She does and then looks at his eye through a lens.] Ulcerative keratitis.
Foreman, Means it's not cadmium poisoning.
Lee, [VO] Which means you don't know what's wrong. Again.
Cameron," When's the last time you changed that dressing? [She reaches him and makes a face.] Judging by the smell of it, I'd say nEver."
House," [sticks his arm out without looking away from the white board] He's locked-in, his kidneys blew a fuse, and now his eye is oozing pus."
Cameron," I assume you went over all of that with your team. I also assume they didn't have any brilliant ideas, or you wouldn't still be muttering to yourself. This is going to hurt. [She pulls off the old bandage.]"
House, Ow! [He looks at the bruise on his elbow for a minute then returns to the white board.] The way he's losing his myelin makes an infection most likely. Could be varicella ÔøΩ
Cameron, Road Debris has come to the surface. I'm going to have to scrub it out.
House, But the initial acyclovir would've treated that. Which pushes me towards an autoimmune disease. Like Behcet's.
Cameron," Here! this is going to hurt Even more. [She gives him a paper cup with pills in it.] Take two now, two later."
House," [He empties the cup into his mouth.] Oops. [She scrubs the bruise.] Ho! Of course, if the varicella was resistant, it wouldn't matter what they did up in Middletown."
Cameron, Do an LP.
House," You've been in the ER too long. When the Patient had head trauma, white blood cells only indiCate that he had head trauma."
Cameron," Or you could use the LP for something useful. If you find polys, it's varicella. Lymphs, Behcet's."
House, Why did I fire you again?
Cameron, You didn't. I quit. [She finishes and rolls his sleEve down.]
Wilson," You weren't visiting Foreman's brother, either."
House," Busy. Kutner's doing an LP, so I have to focus."
Wilson," I had prison security check visitor logs, phone records. You've nEver had any contact with anyone at Fishkill. So, I ask again! What were you doing up in Middletown?"
House, You know what's more interesting than what I was doing? The reason you are so obsessed with what I was doing.
Wilson," Stop deflecting, House."
House," Says the deflector. The reason I was up there is the reason you're scared I was up there. I was checking out your dirty, little secret. How long have you been sleeping with her?"
Wilson, How! how did you know?
House, Your only secrets are the girls you find embarrassing. And the only embarrassing girl you've met recently is the one at your brother's cuckoo facility.
Wilson, We've only been out a few times.
House, She's a caregiver. Like all of your other failed exes. And someone who takes care of your brother. Who was the last person who took care of your brother?
Wilson, [laughs] You think this is Oedipal?
House," Actually, I was thinking masturbatory, but I guess your mom took care of him first. So, the safe course is to gouge your eyes out."
Foreman, LP stands for lumbar puncture. We use this needle to collect fluid from your spine.
Lee, [VO] That's a really big needle.
Foreman, You're going to feel some extreme pressure in your back.
Lee, [VO] I already feel pressure in my front! my chest hurts.
Foreman," !your chest, sort of in the fetal position."
Lee, [VO] Something's wrong.
Foreman, !the best angle into your spine.
Lee," [VO] No, my chest! Something's wrong. I think I'm hav!"
Foreman, Pull the needle out.
Lee," [VO] Oh, God! I'm flatlining."
Foreman, [looking at Lee's face] Call a code.
Lee, There is no God. You don't know what's wrong with me.
House, [sitting in a beach chair] It doesn't seem that way.
Lee, So am I dead?
House, Not yet. [pause as medical monitor can be heard beeping] But you're about to be.
Lee, Okay.
Kutner, Charging! clear. Again! clear.
Foreman, He's back.
Lee," [VO] No. No. Let me go. He can't fix me. I've been here for three days, Everything hurts."
House," [simultaneously, almost inaudibly] The arrest means the demyelination hit the area in his brainstem that controls heart rhythm. We need answers fast, 'cause this is going to happen again."
Kutner, We need to get him started on steroids.
Lee," [VO] It's okay, just! just!"
House, Not without the results of the LP.
Lee," [VO] !stop fighting. [He sees Molly in the hallway.] She's got to go on with her life. The kids don't need this. I can't do nothing for them! I can't! scratch this foot! Wow, that really, really itches."
Foreman, So we should try ÔøΩ
Kutner," So we put in a temporary pacer, it's not gonna ÔøΩ"
House," Shut up, shut up. [Lee's computer is beeping ""no,""ÔøΩ ""yes,""ÔøΩ ""no,""ÔøΩ ""yes.""ÔøΩ] He's trying to talk. [""Yes""ÔøΩ beep] Is something bothering you?"
Foreman," If there's still tightness in your chest, it's expected."
Kutner, Is it your eye?
Foreman," Why is he saying ""no"" three times? You only asked one question."
Kutner," Maybe he's not saying ""no,"" maybe he's saying ""down."" [""Yes""ÔøΩ beep] Are you saying that the pain is lower? [""Yes""ÔøΩ beep] How low, your leg? [""No""ÔøΩ beep] Your foot? [""Yes""ÔøΩ beep]"
House," Left foot? [""No""ÔøΩ beep] Check his! let me see now! yeah, his right foot."
Foreman," No bruises, no rashes, no cuts."
House," Then there should be no pain. Is it a tingling sensation? [""No""ÔøΩ beep] Is it itParkng? [""Yes""ÔøΩ beep]"
House, Itchy foot means liver failure.
Taub, The liver's fine. His enzymes have been normal since we admitted him.
House," I didn't say ""failing,"" I said ""failure."" Just like you. Liver's like a cruise ship taking on water. As it starts to sink, it sends out an S.O.S. Only instead of radio waves, it uses enzymes. The more enzymes in the blood, the worse the liver is. And once the ship has sunk, there's no more S.O.S. You think the liver's fine, but it's already at the bottom of the sea."
Thirteen," So dying liver released toxins, damaged the nerves, led to locked-in syndrome."
House, Now we just need to know what's causing the liver failure.
Foreman," Liver, plus eye, plus kidney! most likely sclerosing cholangitis."
House," Oh, God, if only Taub had said that, it would've been a happy ending. Do a biopsy to confirm."
Taub, I'm going to numb up the area where we'll go in for the punch biopsy.
Kutner, Where's the new bracelet?
Foreman, She was wearing the bracelet?
Thirteen, You didn't notice that I was wearing it?
Foreman, Because you weren't.
Thirteen," He noticed, and you didn't?"
Foreman," If you don't like it, it's fine. It's not a big deal."
Thirteen," I like it, that's the point. I'd rather have it at home in the jewelry box than getting peed on at work."
Kutner, You got the Patient's urine on that arm?
Thirteen, When I was putting in the catheter. Why?
Kutner, You've got a rash.
Foreman, The bracelet's real.
Kutner," I figured. So what if the rash isn't just a rash? What if it's an infection? If there were rats in that basement, then the liver failure could be caused by leptospirosis. It transfers through urine. Rat pee to him, his pee to you. The infection would need an entry point. Look for any recent scratches, cuts."
Taub, Look. Next to his fingernail.
Kutner," The infection destroyed your liver, which released toxins that caused the locked-in syndrome. You were dying of a paper cut."
Lee, [VO] I hope you're right this time.
Kutner, Let's start him on high dose penicillin G.
Kutner," We found rats in your buddy Dave's basement. Tested positive for leptospirosis. That means we're on the right treatment. So! try moving a finger. Your brain needs to get used to doing its job again. Try harder. I'm sure you've lost hope. I know we've told you sEveral times that we knew what this was, but this time we're right. Concentrate. Move one finger for me. [Lee's right forefinger moves. Kutner smiles and raises Lee's hand so he can see his finger moving.] Welcome back."
Lee, [VO] I did it.
House, Rat pee. Very nice idea. Who came up with it?
Taub, I did. [Kutner nods slightly at him.]
House, Good. [Taub leaves.] You okay with him claiming the credit?
Kutner, It was his idea. He saw the rash ÔøΩ
House," If he did, he'd have hung a ""mission accomplished"" banner in my outer office."
Kutner, Don't toy with him. If you're going to fire him ÔøΩ
House, The fact that he stole your idea means that he cares enough to lie. That's all I needed to know. Rat pee. That's a very nice idea.
Wilson, House. You left this in my office. [He hands House a cell phone.]
House," No, I didn't. So either I have a hole in my pocket ÔøΩ"
Wilson," Oh, that's right I remember now, I stole it. Because if you had gone up there to check out my girlfriend, you wouldn't have come back here and lied to me about it. You would've thrown her right in my face."
House, You underestimate the entertainment value of your obsessions.
Wilson, And then there were all those calls you weren't taking in front of me. [House stops and turns to look at Wilson.] So I dialed the number of the calls you weren't taking. You're seeing a psyParkatrist.
House, You had no right to invade my privacy. [He reaches under Lee's pillow and pulls out a recorder.]
Wilson, Is! is that!?
House, Yeah. It's irony.
Lee, Hey. God sent you.
House," Suddenly, you're not so fascinating. [He leaves.]"
Wilson, You're spying on your team.
House," Prioritize, Wilson. Is that what you really want to torture me about right now?"
Wilson, I don't want to torture you at all. I think this is a great thing. Not something you have to drive an hour out of town to shroud in mystery.
House, Yeah. Whining on someone's couch. That's an excellent use of my time. Maybe I'll discover that my Parkldhood wasn't perfect.
Wilson, So your attitude about therapy clearly hasn't changed. And yet you went. Which leads me to beliEve that maybe something else has changed. [The stop by the elevator.] Maybe you think you can change. Credit Cuddy with that.
House," Not much credit to take, because I'm not going back."
Wilson," Oh, House, please! I assume you went because you're tired of screwing up Every chance you get at happiness."
House, [fiddling with his phone] Delete contact.
Wilson, Do not let the fact that I found out about it ÔøΩ
House, Don't beat yourself up. I'm not going back because it doesn't work. [He enters the elevator and pushes the key to confirm the delete.]
Wilson, You'll end up alone.
Charlotte, Bye
Eddie, I! I want to be alone! with my wife. [Charlotte comes to the bed as the others leave.] I'm a selfish S.O.B. I! I nEver got you to Rio. There was always! one more pRoblem at the stores. You deserved better than that.
Charlotte, I love you. I always have.
Eddie, I'm ready.
Charlotte, It's okay. [she sniffles] I know!
Eddie, Somebody! [Shouts] Help her. Help her!
Taub," 54-year-old Woman with acute respiratory failure. No anaphylaxis, lung issues or tracheal lesions. Tox screen was clean for coke and amphetamines."
House," I will give you 30 reasons, one for each pound that cause the apnea which enflamed the epiglottis. Why is our rainbow coalition missing brown and bi?"
Taub," Thirteen's with a Patient, and Kutner's dog's sick. He should be in by lunch."
Foreman, No apnea because no sleeping pRoblems when she's sleeping. She spent the last six months caring for her husband who's dying of heart failure.
House," Reason 31 ÔøΩ whatEver whacked the husband's heart is also whacking her airway and! Oh, good. I thought maybe Kutner was home nursing the rib you broke when you elbowed your way in for credit on the last Patient."
Taub, I contributed. And the Patient's illness wasn't caused by her husband unless lung cancer's contagious.
House, Interesting. Not about the Patient. That was kinda dull. I thought maybe you were lying to cover for Kutner which sounds noble. Except you're doing it out of guilt instead of love.
Taub," She visited her sister in Hawaii about six months ago, just before her husband got sick."
Foreman, Could have picked up melioidosis from one of the islands.
House, Would have jumped to the husband and finished off him and his lame immune system.
Taub," No tumors, no drugs, no bacteria. Leaves viral ÔøΩ varicella zoster."
House, Start her on IV fluids and acyclovir.
Thirteen, Can't. She's deManding to be released so she can get home to her husband.
House," How sweet. They can die together instead of separately, 40 years apart."
Thirteen, She claims he got stronger as soon as she stopped breathing.
Taub, The mind can heal the body. Seeing his wife in distress might have actually slowed down his death.
House, Or he could have just had an adrenaline surge when he saw his chance to hit the singles market. Send her home.
Taub, We don't need to. I had an idea! All by myself.
Charlotte, Eddie?
Taub, Found him loitering in the lobby.
Charlotte, You're still with me.
Eddie, Where the hell else am I gonna go?
Taub," And now, with your permission, we'd like to try to make you better."
Mother, The pageant starts in an hour. You have to do something. There's something wrong inside her head. It's like she has no idea what's going on around her. [She waves her hand in front of her daughter who doesn't react.]
House," I thought she was just flirting with me. [Mother gives him a look and daughter stares blankly at him.] I can fix it, but it's gonna cost you! $3.75. I'm not just gonna give you my coffee. [He hands his cup to the daughter.] Think of it as Costa Rican sober juice."
Mother, She's drunk?
House, That little minty scent hiding beneath the rose petal perfume and the cherry blossom moisturizer and the morning dew hair spray. You sneak into mommy's bathroom and gulp some of her mouthwash?
Daughter, [slurring] Gotta be perfect.
House, You spit it out?
Daughter, Mommy doesn't.
Foreman, Treatment worked. Charlotte's breathing's back to normal. She's being discharged.
Taub, She can resume her vigil over her husband who started fading again.
House," Win some, lose some. And strictly speaking, since he's not my Patient, win some. Look at the time. It's half past ""Taub was lying about Kutner.""ÔøΩ"
Taub," He pRobably went to a comic book fest, spent the night at some Wonder Woman's lair. I'm sure he'll ÔøΩ"
House," Find out what or who he's doing. Either way, Cuddy's gonna want me to write it under ""reason for termination.""ÔøΩ"
Thirteen, That Kutner?
Taub, Charlotte.
Nurse, O2 sat and S-T are normal. It's not her airway.
Taub, [to Eddie] You're okay.
Eddie, Yeah. Don't worry about me. She's in pain.
Taub, Pulse is rapid and regular. No fluid in her lungs.
Eddie, What's happening?
Taub, I don't know.
Foreman, Kutner. It's Foreman and Thirteen.
Thirteen, Where are you going? House didn't ask us to find out where he wasn't.
Foreman, If you wanna climb a fifth floor fire escape!
Thirteen, [jingles some keys and whispers] This might be faster.
Foreman, Kutner.
Thirteen, Man/boy heaven. Surprised he Ever leaves.
Foreman, [checks the computer] There's nothing on his calendar. His pager's still here.
Thirteen," Oh, God."
Foreman, I need an ambulance at 410 Willis. Apartment 5-C. 28-year-old male. Single gun shot wound to the right temple.
Thirteen, No pulse.
Foreman, Alert Princeton Plainsboro. Have a trauma unit ready. His pupil's dilated. His head's swollen.
Thirteen," Still no pulse! Come on, Kutner!"
Foreman, Let me try.
Thirteen, He's cold. Eric!
House, He didn't say anything? To any of you? Family pRoblems? Bad relationship? Financial pressures?
Foreman, His parents were shot right in front of him.
House, Parents are ancient history.
Foreman, Not to someone who actually cares.
House, He didn't slit his wrists and! peacefully drift away. He shot himself. He didn't leave a note. That means panic. Which could have been preempted if the idiots who worked alongside him for 80 hours a week had seen this coming.
Thirteen, You're blaming us?
House, [shakes head slightly] Just trying to figure it out.
Thirteen, We would have helped him if he had reached out to us. He didn't.
Foreman, We should have picked up on something.
Thirteen, This isn't our fault! Something like 25% of suicidal people show no outward signs of depression.
House, No. 25% of suicidal people have friends who didn't notice anything and don't want to feel guilty.
Taub," Killing himself also kills all other options. Makes Kutner an idiot. So pity, yes. But guilt, no."
Foreman, That's what you wanna tell yourself.
Taub," We still have a Patient. Actually, two. One worsening, one who should be worsening."
House, You can't be in denial about Kutner and the husband.
Taub, It's possible Eddie's body is willing itself to live.
House," Well, call the tabloids. Tell them you just witnessed the miracle of slightly increased kidney function."
Foreman, Maybe we should pass this file over to another doctor.
House, And the next one too? The one after that? How Many files till it's okay that Kutner's dead? [pause] Cardiac enzymes means she didn't have a heart attack. No vision pRoblems means no mitochondrial disease.
Foreman," Could be a metabolic disorder, acidosis."
Thirteen," Blood pH was normal. Polyserositis would inflame the membranes near her epiglottis and the heart's pericardium, causing the chest pain."
Cuddy," I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor whom I'm sure none of you will see and I'm offering time off, which I'm sure none of you will take. But just know it's available. [Long pause]"
House," Polyserositis fits. Start her on indomethacin. [He heads for his office, followed by Cuddy.]"
Cuddy, If you'd rather not deal with this case!
House, I'm fine. Despite what Wilson will say.
Cuddy, He hasn't come to you?
House, Pretty sure he has mah-jongg Tuesday mornings. I assume he thinks I will work through this better if I don't have to keep flicking his wings off my shoulder.
Cuddy, You didn't Even have an inkling?
House, I know his fantasy football team cratered. Figured he'd gotten over it.
Cuddy, Well! Sorry for your loss.
House, Thanks. But it's not my loss.
Cuddy, Then I'm sorry you don't think it is. [She leaves and Foreman and Thirteen come in from the conference room]
House, Patient's membranes aren't gonna heal themselves.
Foreman, Taub went to run the treatment. We'd like to go see Kutner's parents.
House, I'll join you. [He takes a Vicodin.]
Taub, Polyserositis damages the protective covering of the tissue around the organs. The indomethacin is simply an anti-inflammatory but it should fix it.
Charlotte, Just make the pain stop.
Eddie, Charlotte! Close you eyes. Now! pretend you finally made it down to Rio. You're on the balcony of a! some fancy hotel.
Charlotte, You nEver talk like this.
Eddie," Yeah, just shut up and let me do this. [He sits up] And you're on that balcony, and you're watParkng the Mardi Gras."
Charlotte, It's called Carnival. And I don't wanna go without you.
Eddie, I want you to. And I want it to be Everything you've Ever dreamed of.
Taub, Sorry to interrupt! but I'd like to run one more test! on you.
Julia Kutner, This is the first day we got him. He was six. Sweetest little boy you Ever met.
Foreman," Must have been scary, going through a trauma and then being handed off to a new family."
Julia Kutner," We kept telling him to call us Richard and Julia. But it was always Mr. and Mrs. Kutner. And on his ninth birthday, we gave him a chemistry set. Lawrence always loved blowing things up. And he said, ""Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.""ÔøΩ That's who we were from then on."
Thirteen, He was pretty special. We were lucky to have him.
Julia Kutner, You spent the most time with him. He spoke so highly of all of you. Do you have any idea?
Foreman, Wish we did. We all ÔøΩ
House," It was his name. He was conflicted, didn't know where he fit in, being ripped out of his world and stuck into yours."
Julia Kutner, We encouraged him to hold onto his heritage.
House, It's hard to still be Lawrence Choudhary when Everyone sees you as Kutner.
Julia Kutner, It was his idea to take our name.
House, Then you should have said no.
Thirteen, House.
House," All his Anglo name gave him was the illusion that he was someone he wasn't. You were being emotional, not rational. You didn't understand him."
Richard Kutner," We loved that boy, you son of a bitch."
House," You wanted to make him happy by shutting out his pain. When he looked happy, you assumed the pain had gone. It just got buried deeper, leaving him tormented about who he was until finally he put a bullet ÔøΩ"
Foreman, House! Go back to the hospital.
House, I'm sorry about your son.
Taub," Indomethacin had no effect. She's still in pain. Rules out polyserositis. I ran a hormone panel on Eddie. His prolactin's above normal. Means he's actually improving. Body chemistry changes for all sorts of reasons ÔøΩ stress, fear! Why not love? But maybe he's going into some sort of remission/"
House, You haven't asked if I learned anything relevant from the Kutners.
Taub," If you had, I'm sure you would have mentioned it."
House, Or you're afraid there is something relevant. Which would mean you could have saved him.
Taub, I don't buy that suicide is always a cry for help. Sometimes you just don't want help.
House, Good thing you got some. Or you'd have tried again and gotten it right.
Taub, She doesn't have Wegener's. Kidney function's normal. It's not byssinosis. It's not mitral valve stenosis. Nothing fits.
House," If it doesn't fit any diagnosis, it just leaves one diagnosis."
House, I'm Dr. House. You have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. His heart is too weak. Yours is too strong. Good news is it's fixable. We induce a massive heart attack and kill off the extra muscle.
Charlotte, You wanna give me a heart attack?
House, It's only dangerous if your heart is normal size. But since all the ÔøΩ
Eddie, Are you serious?
House," No. This is actually very annoying and I'm getting really bored of lying to Patients to scare them into telling me the truth. [to Eddie] She's faking. And yes, if she keeps faking I'm going to Eventually do something that will kill her."
Eddie, How could she be! The windpipe thing?
House," That was real. Treatment made her better. But good for her was bad for you which was bad for her. So she made herself bad. It's all so simple. She figured the sicker she was, the longer you'd hang on."
Eddie, Charlotte?
Charlotte, We haven't been this close for years. I wanted to hang on to that. Ow!
House," Oh, please. People hate reruns."
Charlotte, It's my leg. I swear this is real!
House," What, you pinky swear or you just plain swear? Because ÔøΩ"
Eddie, How can she fake that? [He pulls back Charlotte's sheet. Her left lower leg is much smaller than the right.]
House, She can't.
House," So, what can shred an epiglottis and make muscle disappear?"
Foreman, Mr. and Mrs. Kutner. They caused Kutner's death. Why not Charlotte's?
House," Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony is back. I was wrong about the ethnic reason. Step one ÔøΩ change your name back. Step two ÔøΩ if step one fails ÔøΩ move to Bangalore. Step fourteen, if step Thirteen doesn't work, kill yourself."
Foreman, So what now? You gonna insult your way through his Rolodex till you find someone with an answer?
House, I've been polite to the friends I've called. All of whom were useless.
Thirteen, They weren't useless. They just didn't know anything more than we did.
House," Tomato, tomah-to."
Taub," MS. Weakens myelin sheath, compromises nerve conduction. I'm talking about Charlotte, the one who's still alive."
House," [to Foreman and Thirteen] You two, stick her in an MRI. Confirm MS. [to Taub] And you, run the echo on Eddie that you're planning to do behind my back to see if his heart's improving."
House, Did you let me hire a pervert?
House, Kutner's police background check from when he started. He was charged with indecent exposure.
Cuddy," Kutner streaked at the Penn-Dartmouth football game. Precisely the kind of thing you'd expect him to do. It's okay. You should be upset. He thought like you, pushed boundaries like you ÔøΩ"
House," If he thought like me, he would know that living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it."
Thirteen, Just a few more minutes then we'll get you back to Eddie. What's it like ÔøΩ 30 years with the same Man?
Charlotte," Great for me. Good for him, I hope."
Thirteen, You don't think he loves you?
Charlotte," I think he always loved me in his way, just not in a ""spend time with me or show emotion or any affection for me""ÔøΩ sort of way."
Thirteen, Why did you stay?
Charlotte, I didn't need him to feel about me the way I did about him. Love! doesn't! [Her voice fades away as maParknes start beeping.]
Thirteen, Charlotte?
Eddie, I've heard stories of cancer Patients going into spontaneous remission. You think this might be that sort of thing?
Taub," It's unlikely, but you nEver know."
Eddie," If I just had a little more time! be with Charlotte, try and do better by her."
Taub," Yeah, maybe."
Eddie, You don't think I mean it.
Taub, I think you mean it now. I think it's much easier to mean it than to do anything about it.
Eddie, Ha.
Taub, ChAmber walls are barely moving. I'm sorry.
Cuddy, He needs a friend.
Wilson, I can't deal with this and House.
Cuddy, You need a friend too.
Wilson, You couldn't give a crap what I need. You just want someone to take care of him.
Cuddy, [long pause] He told Kutner's parents it was their fault.
Chase, Ruptured spleen means it's not MS. [To Taub] What are you doing here?
Taub, [On speaker from observation area] Waiting for you to fix her spleen so we can biopsy it for rheumatoid arthritis.
Chase, I'll do it. Go home.
Taub, She's not your Patient.
Chase, And Kutner wasn't my friend.
Taub," Kutner wanted to die. Charlotte doesn't. So in a contest for my concern and interest, she wins."
Chase," Okay, either you're a cold-hearted bastard or you're too miserable to face it. Go home and cry. It's not rheumatoid arthritis. Her liver's scarred. WhatEver she's got, it's spreading."
Wilson," For the record, I'm uncomfortable violating a dead colleague's dignity."
House, It's only violating it if you find something. Good to see you.
Wilson, What are we looking for?
House, He was hiding. Why?
Wilson, Shame? Fear? Are you okay? It's okay not to be okay.
House," [reading a card in a trophy case] ""Colonial Warrior Blaster. Number One One.""ÔøΩ He spent months tracking this down. He had passions."
Wilson, He was obviously in pain. Does it really matter why?
House," He hung the bad with the good. [Looking photos in a twin frame ÔøΩ baby Kutner with his biological parents and him graduating college with his adoptive ones.] His loss beside a reminder of what he'd gained. Means he was open about the pain. Should mean that if it got worse, he had no reason to hide it."
Wilson," Here's how we're going to handle this, House. We're going to leave here and go to the closest bar and drink and tell stories about the time Kutner almost blew up an OR. And pass out in our own sick. Sound like a plan?"
House, What am I missing? [to Wilson] You've got that look. You figured this out.
Wilson, You're not here because you care about Kutner. You're here because it's a mystery. You're here for the puzzle.
House, What if I didn't miss anything 'cause there's nothing to miss? He didn't kill himself. He was murdered.
Taub," Epiglottis, spleen and now her liver which is operating at 20% and deteriorating fast."
Thirteen, Autoimmne hepatitis? Did you page Foreman?
House, Took up Cuddy's offer of time off. Normal thyroid means no hepatitis.
Taub," Could be Amyloidosis. Amyloid buildup hits the organs, tissue ÔøΩ"
House, Her muscles wouldn't have atrophied. You run the echo on the husband?
Taub, Heart's still failing. The improvement was only temporary.
House," I prefer the less subtle answer: You were right, House. So! Less time proving why hubby isn't dead, more time proving why Kutner is. [He turns the white board which around to face them.] Motives for murder."
Thirteen, House! it was a suicide. The police have already investigated.
House," They investigated what they saw, not what they didn't saw. Talk to friends, classmates, pizza delivery guy. And draft Foreman. He can make calls through his tears."
Thirteen, No.
House," Is that ""No, I'm not calling my boyfriend, who apparently called my boss instead of me to say he wasn't coming in?""ÔøΩ 'Cause it's really not fair to have that much subtext in one syllable."
Thirteen, We all want to know why Kutner did it but we're not gonna waste time chasing ghosts.
House, You're not remotely curious?
Taub, Only why a Man who embraces the rational is suddenly pursuing the irrational.
House, She could have alpha-1 anti-trypsin deficiency. Run her AAT proteins.
Taub, It's too soon after your surgery.
Charlotte," You can ask that someone get your organs when you die, right? Even if the donor bank turned them down?"
Taub," Individual donors can bypass the registry, but there are a lot of other factors! Blood type ÔøΩ"
Charlotte, I've given him blood.
Taub, It's not just ÔøΩ
Charlotte," Please. If I go before him, I want you to give him my heart."
Taub, This isn't over yet.
Charlotte," For me. But it is for him, isn't it?"
Taub, Yes.
Thirteen, Thirteen. I also answer to Thirteen. I sometimes sleep with you.
Foreman, I know I should have called. I just need some time.
Thirteen, Alone?
Foreman, I've worked through a lot of bad stuff in my life. Always done it solo.
Thirteen, [swallows hard] So I should go.
Foreman, I'm sorry.
Cuddy, IT's been trying to close out Kutner's email account. Apparently someone's still logged onto it.
House, It wasn't hard to figure out that his password was Kutner. He did what they tell you not to do.
Cuddy, He wasn't murdered.
House, But his parents were. And the guy who killed them is coming up for parole.
Cuddy, He's coming up for parole. He's not out on parole.
House, Kutner testified at Every one of his hearings. The guy wouldn't be the first to see the clock ticking.
Cuddy, He was killed by his own gun.
House," Which he bought years ago, obviously for self-defense."
Cuddy, In the temple. Cops found residue.
House, Right. The murderer would nEver try to make it look like suicide. That would be unethical. [Cuddy stands up to leave] You haven't asked about my Patient.
Cuddy, You're waiting on an AAT protein results.
House, Means you checked up to see that I'm still on it. You wanna transfer the case but you won't because you think it's the only thing that's holding me together. Relax. Either I'm right or I'm wrong. We'll know soon enough.
Cuddy, Find what's killing your Patient. And then I'll find you another Patient.
Taub, What happened?
Thirteen, Nurses found her like this. She broke into the cart and injected whatEver she could grab. Dumb way to look worse for Eddie.
Taub, She wasn't trying to look worse. She was trying to kill herself. [He holds an oxygen mask to her face.]
Taub, [voice over] She's stable. But whatEver was left of her liver is definitely shot now. And there's no change in Eddie.
House," So, thanks to her idiotic move, she's dead in 24 hours if she doesn't get a new liver."
Taub, It was selfless. She loves him.
House, How does that disagree with what I just said?
Thirteen, Test was negative for AAT deficiency. Myelofibrosis fits but testing takes at least 48 hours.
Taub, We should try a partial donation from a live donor.
Thirteen, Damage is too sEvere. She needs a whole new liver.
Taub," No diagnosis, no liver. No liver, no living."
House, What do you know. It is myelofibrosis. [He starts writing on the paper.] Says so right here. Who wants to tell Cuddy?
Thirteen, How Many times have you lied to the transplant committee?
House, Just twice.
Thirteen, How Many times has it worked?
House, I don't quite see how that's relevant. [His pager goes off. He checks it.] Cheese it. It's the coppers.
Thirteen, [grabbing his pager] We're not just going to leave them to die while you fixate on Kutner.
House," Technically, he's not our Patient. So I'm really only leaving her to die."
Taub, We've already explored the usual options. Shouldn't we at least explore unusual ones?
House, Absolutely. [He goes to his desk and picks up his phone] Don't worry. This is why God gave me two ears.
Taub, Kutner would say we should just come clean with Cuddy.
House," Wow. If only he were here to say that. I'm sure Cuddy would be bound to fall for the old, ""Hey, the dead guy won't mind if we're wasting ÔøΩ""ÔøΩ"
House, Need an incurable roMantic to talk to an incurable roMantic.
Cameron, Kutner wasn't murdered.
House, You deduced that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?
Cameron, Suicide means you could have helped him. Murder lets you off the hook.
House," [shows Cameron two films. He points at the first one] Needs a liver. Has a liver. [He points at the second film.] He can make a partial donation. The faster he agrees, the faster she gets to not die."
Cameron, Partial won't be enough. She needs a whole liver and he'd nEver survive the procedure.
House," Nice symmetry, huh?"
Cameron, [gets it] He dies on the table and you give her his whole liver.
House," If he's gonna do this, he's gonna do this for love. I though he should talk to someone who spoke the language."
Eddie, You want me to die on the table.
Cameron, We don't want you to. Your wife needs you to.
Eddie, My heart?
Cameron, Is still dying. You have a couple of days at most. But this could buy us enough time to save her.
Eddie, When can I say good-bye?
Cameron," You can't. If she knew what we were planning, would she be okay?"
Eddie, She'll resent me.
Cameron, She'll be alive. Nothing else matters.
Cameron, You can't do the transplant.
House, Only if he said no. But your urgent hovering means he said yes.
Cameron, His fingers have nodules. I think his doctors misdiagnosed him.
House, Or you sprinkled too much wishful thinking in your tea.
Cameron, Obese Man with lung cancer ÔøΩ Two easy explanations for his heart failure. Nodules can mean something else. Something curable.
House, Go back to the ER. My thanks to you and your cold feet.
Cameron," What's going on? I'm giving you a shot at a cool result. Better yet, a chance to prove other doctors idiotic."
House, Except you're wrong.
Cameron, You figure that out by taking off your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?
House, The guy who killed Kutner's parents died of an aneurism two months ago.
Cameron, Kutner hid from Everyone. You didn't get a chance to save him. No one did. Run the tests. Find out if you have a chance to save Eddie.
House," Bad news. Love can't save you. On the other hand, mold can. [He hooks a stool with his cane, rolls it to the bedside and sits.] Your heart failure was caused by a fungal infection called cardiac blastomycosis. It started as nodules in your lungs which Every doc, except one, mistook for cancer. It's very rare, very curable. I'm starting you on itraconazole."
Eddie, But how come I was getting better without the medicine?
House, Your emotional state bumped your Catecholamines which helped raise your prolactin.
Eddie, My emotional state?
House," Three months of treatment, you'll be back to your buff, Parkseled self."
Eddie, I don't want the treatment. Do the transplant.
House, But you'd be trading the certainty that you'll live for the uncertainty that she'll live.
Eddie, I was ready to die anyway.
House, Now you get to be nicer to your next wife.
Eddie," If you won't do it, release me. And when I get hit by a car and show up in your morgue, you can give her my liver then."
Thirteen, You're basically asking us to commit murder.
House, I was yesterday too.
Thirteen, There's a difference when he has 20 years to live instead of two days.
House, Not really. Not legally.
Thirteen," That's your way of convincing us to do this, by saying it's no more immoral?"
House, The idiot is gonna do this with or without us. This way we can protect the organ.
Thirteen, We should be protecting him.
House," So we strap him to the bed, wait till his wife dies?"
Thirteen, I'm not doing this.
Taub, I will. We've already had one pointless death.
Charlotte," Eddie, what's going on?"
Eddie, I don't know. He just came and got me.
Taub," Your husband has a curable disease, but he wants to die so he can give you his liver. Are you okay with that or would you rather he take the treatment?"
Eddie, You son of a bitch!
Charlotte," Eddie, don't!"
Eddie, You have to let me do this.
Taub," Charlotte, can you hear me? [He checks her eyes.]"
Taub, She spiked a fEver. LP shows her white cells through the roof. She's infected Everywhere.
House, I should fire you.
Taub," Just did what you failed to do, convince Eddie to live and let his wife die."
Thirteen, Infection means we have a new clue.
House, And a full two or three hours to figure it out.
Thirteen, Sarcoidosis hits the spleen and the liver.
House, She would have lung issues.
Taub, Scleroderma inflames the tissue.
House, No skin or GI pRoblems. [He sighs] What is she hiding?
Taub, You don't know that ÔøΩ
House, [angry] Either we have all the clues and we're idiots or we don't have all the clues.
Thirteen," Possible exposure, people, places."
House, Both.
House, Bad lie. Did you really think the beaches in Hawaii were just like the beaches in Rio? The disease bearing sand flies are completely different.
Eddie, She's nEver been to Rio.
House, Who'd you go with?
Charlotte, Why are you doing this?
House," I don't actually need to know who it was. I just need to know that you went so we can know that you have visceral leishManiasis. But since Lancelot there was ready to die for you, he might want the answer to both."
Charlotte," [turns her head toward Eddie, slowly] Last year! It was nobody you know. Rio was supposed to be ours. I got tired of waiting. I'm so sorry."
House," [to Taub on his way out] Start her on antimony and have Cuddy find her a liver. [He looks back at Eddie who is trying to come to grips with this information.] They were ready to die. But for guilt, not love."
Taub, You can't feel that much guilt without love.
Cuddy, New York Mercy's medevacing the liver. It should be here!
Taub, Tell them to turn around. Charlotte's treatment isn't taking. We diagnosed it too late.
Cuddy, Everyone's heading over to Kutner's funeral. You're welcome to ride with me.
Taub, I'm gonna stay with Charlotte.
Cuddy, She bought you some time to save Eddie. It'll give her death some meaning.
Taub, No. It won't. [He leaves]
Wilson, I was wrong about you.
House," No, you weren't."
Wilson, You're in pain.
House, And you're roManticizing. Again.
Wilson, You worked with him Every day for two years and you nEver saw this coming.
House, No one saw it coming.
Wilson," But you see Everything coming. This has nEver been about what you missed. This is about why you missed it. You're terrified that you're losing your gift, losing! who you are. And I'm terrified of what you'd do then."
House," Unless you feel there's more to do here to cure me, don't you have a funeral to go to?"
Man in Crowd, You made your point. Now how about letting us do our jobs?
Doug, Our point will be made when your company stops tearing down this mountain.
Second Man, Then who's gonna feed our kids? You?
Doug," If you really cared about your kids, you'd want them to have air to breathe when they grow up."
Second Man," What'd you say, you son of a bitch?"
Susan, You guys aren't the pRoblem. You're being hurt more than anyone. You breathe in that coal dust.
Doug, Coal is the dirtiest energy on earth.
PoliceMan, Gonna need some backup.
Doug, Not enough for you thugs to assault the environment?
Susan," Doug. Please, don't. [She begins to wobble then falls over.]"
Doug, Susan? Susan! You okay?
Doug, She's just dehydrated. We have medics here. Let 'em give her fluids.
Man in Crowd," The protest is over now! [Crowd yells ""it's over.""ÔøΩ]"
Doug, [pauses] All right. [He pulls his arm from the pipe. The loose piece of chain is tied to his wrist. They faked being chained together.]
Susan, What happened?
Doug, ;You know we'll be back. [He stands and yells to the crowd.] We'll be back!
Doug, I'm not! screwing around. I just can't! [He falls again.] I can't stand up.
Cameron, I need to push back our getaway.
Chase, No you don't. Found you a board. Perfect size to learn on.
Cameron, I'm just postponing. O'Neill from Philly General wants me to get a Patient in to see House.
Chase, So?
Chase," I meant so, that's five seconds to hand House the file, 30 for him to question your real motives, a minute for witty comments comparing the length of your legs to Thirteen's! Plenty of time left over for the shore."
Cameron, I need to make sure he doesn't toss the file in the trash as soon as I'm out of sight.
Chase," Babe, can't you repay the favor on another case? After last week, I could really use a break from this place. We both could."
Cameron," Once I'm sure he's really on the case, then we're out of here. And these legs and Every other part of me will be all yours. [She kisses him and leaves.]"
Cameron, He's seen three different specialists.
House, Interesting. Almost as interesting as you trying to step into Kutner's shoes just days after he stepped out of them.
Cameron, I am not shoe shopping. I'm just trying to repay a favor to his referring doctor.
Thirteen, What's the mystery? The nutcase spends all his free time wreaking havoc at toxic waste dumps.
Cameron," Tox screen's negative. No neurological, muscular or cardiovascular abnormalities."
Foreman, The guy cares about the environment. That makes him a nutcase?
Taub, He's a single guy in his 20s. He cares about getting his hybrid waxed by girls who care about the environment.
Foreman, See? Not a nutcase. [Thirteen smiles at him.]
Taub, He's pRobably just faking so he can sue the cops and get a six-figure settlement.
Cameron," If he was trying to fake an illness, why would he consent to be seen by the best diagnostician in the country?"
House," Now who's trying to get her hybrid waxed? We need to do a vestibular caloric test. See if the balance pRoblem starts above or below the neck. [The team starts to get up.] And when I say ""we,""ÔøΩ I mean ""you.""ÔøΩ You're the one with the favor to repay, not them."
Cameron," I'm going to be injecting ice water in your ear canal. If the resulting eye movements are at all erratic, then the balance pRoblem is in your inner ear."
Doug, [looking at a vase with two flowers in it] Those in Every room?
Cameron, I think so.
Doug, Can you get rid of them? Preferably from Every room. They use over 30 pesticides to grow commercial flowers. You'd think the medical industry would be a lot more ÔøΩ
Cameron, Concerned with medicine? Let's fix your body. Then you can go back to fixing the earth. This is gonna get a little uncomfortable. [She squirts the water in his ear.]
Doug, I just spent 14 hours chained to a tire.
Cameron, Most doctors would recommend ÔøΩ
Doug, Our planet's headed for destruction. Coastlines under water. A million species extinct. Whoa. [He straightens up] Feels like I'm tumbling head over heels.
Cameron, That's normal. Sometimes this test causes vertigo [He turns toward Cameron and vomits] and nausea.
House, Cameron just brought me a case.
Wilson," Cameron is happy in the ER. There's no way she wants her nose back on your grindstone. [he orders] Egg white omelet, no bacon, whole wheat toast."
House, I say it's not my grindstone she's after. And not her nose she wants on it. She and Chase are practically living together. What did you just order?
Wilson, An omelet.
House, Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper.
Wilson, Yes. But I don't like eating the same thing two days in a row.
House, Your bro's nurse not lovin' the love handles?
Wilson," I'm just not in the mood for bacon. And you're obviously trying to avoid talking about Kutner. Which is odd, because you spent a whole week obsessing about why ÔøΩ"
House, He's no longer on my team. I'm sorry he's no longer on my team. Nothing else to talk about.
Wilson, You're wearing the watch he gave you for Secret Santa.
House," [displaying the watch] Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask me if I'm okay."
Wilson, You gonna order?
House, Not hungry. [He takes a Vicodin.]
Taub, It's just weird. She's brought cases before but he's nEver made her run the tests.
Thirteen, Maybe he's looking for someone to mother him after what happened.
Foreman," The only kind of mothering House wants involves a bullwhip, leather diapers and a credit card."
Taub, Mommy's home. [The stand up]
Cameron, Test made the Patient lose his lunch. But his calorics are normal. His inner ear is fine and he still can't balance himself.
Taub, How Many normal test results do we need to know the Patient's a granola-filled phony?
Cameron, He's not lying about his symptoms.
Taub, And you know this because ÔøΩ
House," She changed her shoes. If he was faking, he'd have vomited on the other side of the bed."
Foreman, Sparring with the police and chaining yourself up for days can cause stress. Stress screws with the heart and arteries. Carotid atherosclerosis could cause a loss of balance.
Cameron, Wouldn't show up on a CT or MRI.
Thirteen, Could also be our only warning before a massive stroke.
House," Do a Holter and a carotid Doppler. See if his heart skips for more than the spotted owl. [The team turns to leave] Although I didn't say ""we.""ÔøΩ If I had! {Cameron leaves instead.]"
Doug, Sorry if this is screwing up the test. Been hiccupping a lot lately but! [hic] not as bad as this.
Cameron," How much is ""a lot""ÔøΩ and how long is ""lately""ÔøΩ?"
Doug, It's been on and off for about a week. Maybe a few hours a day.
Cameron, Did you tell the doctors in Philly about it?
Doug, They didn't seem to think it was any big deal.
Chase," Hey, so we're still leaving tomorrow, aren't we?"
Cameron, I'm not sure. The referring doctors didn't realize that his hiccups were ÔøΩ
Chase, Hiccups?
Cameron," With this duration and intensity, most likely pathological, and it could mean it's serious."
Chase, Are you avoiding me?
Cameron, No.
Chase, So I shouldn't be at all concerned that you're treating another doctor's Patient for hiccups instead of going on a vacation I spent a week planning. [awkward pause]
Cameron," There is a reason I need to stay with this case a while longer, but I can't tell you what it is."
Chase, So you admit you lied to me. And now you're asking me to trust you?
Cameron, Yes.
Chase, [thinks] Okay.
Cameron, No sight of heart or arterial pRoblems but he's been hiccupping on and off for over a week.
House," Nice. I'm hooked. You can get back to your shift at the ER. Except, as far as the ER is concerned, you're on vacation, right?"
Cameron, I postponed a trip because I'm concerned about the Patient.
House," Explains why you ditched Chase and came to differentials, not why you ran the tests."
Cameron, You told me to.
House," Well, I'm not your boss, as you usually take great pleasure in pointing out. Hey, you don't still have the hots for me, do you?"
Cameron, I care about the Patient and I care about the people who work on your team. They've been through a lot lately. I just thought I ÔøΩ
House, Was Florence Nightingale. Yeah. You're gonna nurse us back to spiritual and mental oneness. That would make sense if we were having this conversation a week ago.
Cameron," Think what you want ÔøΩ that I'm here to get a job, that I'm here to wrap you in swaddling clothes."
House," The pRoblem is, I think neither. Because neither makes sense. The only thing that does! doesn't."
Cameron, Pathological hiccups plus inability to balance. Go.
House, What she said.
Thirteen, Brain would connect the two.
House," It could, if Cameron hadn't already CT'd his head. Empty as her boyfriend's calendar."
Taub, What does this have to do with Chase?
Cameron, Nothing.
House, [at the same time] Not sure yet.
Cameron, Patient is on a Jihad against commercial flowers. He's picketed sEveral nurseries. Organophosphate poisoning can cause both hiccups and ÔøΩ
Foreman, No GI pRoblems. No hyper-salivation.
Taub, It's possible it's not connected to a protest. MS wouldn't show on the CT and his name's Swenson. Scandinavians have an increased susceptibility to MS.
House, Better theory than he's faking it. The clogs have it. Do a lumbar puncture to confirm MS.
Thirteen, I guess we'll just continue to twiddle our thumbs.
House," God, I hope that's a euphemism."
Cameron, How am I supposed to do a lumbar puncture on a Patient with intractable hiccups?
House, I'm trying to figure out what that could be a euphemism for. [Taub sighs] You'll find a way. [Cameron sighs]
Cameron, You're not worried House is gonna be pissed you're helping me do the test?
Foreman, He said find a way. And you did.
Cameron, How do you think House is doing?
Foreman, That why you're here?
Cameron, Yeah.
Foreman," No it isn't. Even if House was messed up by Kutner's suicide, it wouldn't matter. He already thinks life is nasty, brutish and long. And misery helps his diagnostic skills. All of which you know so! Why are you here?"
Cameron, Which answer would you beliEve?
Foreman," If you want Kutner's place, it's fine with me. I could use someone else with the stones to stand up to House. But you've gotta know it's gonna blow up your relationship with Chase."
Cameron, All I did was postpone a three-day trip.
Foreman, With Chase. To be with House.
Cameron, Ordering IV chlorpromazine.
Foreman, This could still be neurological. You could cloud his mental status.
Cameron, You wanna get the needle in his spine or you wanna talk?
Chase, You and House been talking about filling Kutner's slot?
Cuddy, Yeah. We went straight from the funeral to HuMan Resources. You interested in getting back on the team?
Chase, I'm interested in knowing if Cameron's interested. She's been running all the tests for House's case.
Cuddy," Well, she hasn't said anything to me. But I guess, uh, the referring doctor might have asked her to keep an eye on him."
Chase, Do you think Cameron's in love with House?
Cuddy, That is a ridiculous question. She's in love with you.
Chase, Are you in love with House?
Cuddy, That! is an Even more ridiculous question.
Chase, Two questions. Zero answers. Think I can extrapolate from there. [He leaves]
Franni, Dr. House?
House," Sorry, I'm just the Zone delivery guy."
Franni," I'm, uh, Doug Swenson's wife."
House, His history said the environmental kamikaze was single.
Franni," He, um, he pRobably didn't want me to worry. He told me he was in jail with some of the other protesters."
House, Yeah. No worries there.
Franni, He's in jail a lot. Not so often in the hospital. I searched his e-mail and I found the referral to you yesterday.
House, You must really love your husband and travel by rickshaw. It only took you 18 hours to get here. [He puts a forkful of Wilson's lunch in his mouth and makes a very disgusted face.] Who eats kale? It's so bland it doesn't Even taste like kale.
Franni," Uh, I had to find somebody to take care of our four-year-old son. Doug's all right, isn't he?"
House," I have no idea. I know he's an idiot. And now I've learned that he's a liar. So we're making a ÔøΩ [As he gets ready to toss Wilson's lunch in the trash, he stops and stares at it.] Who told you I was in here?"
Franni, The doctor in the office next to yours said that you might be here.
House, I got it figured out.
Foreman, That mean we don't need to do the LP.
House, [indicating Cameron] I was talking to her. You're not Even supposed to be here.
Cameron, You want us to stop or not?
House," What? Oh, I don't care what you do with him. You're not doing a favor for a doctor in Philly. You're doing a favor for an oncologist in North Jersey."
Cameron, I'm spying on you for Wilson?
House," Spying, preemptive grief counseling."
Cameron, Wilson sees you ten times more than I do. He's a better liar and he wouldn't have to cancel a vacation to do it.
House, Good points. Also doesn't explain the diet.
Franni, What does any of this have to do with my husband?
House, Nothing. Meet Mrs. Environmental Nutbag. Or did you keep your maiden name?
Cameron, He's married?
House, Yep. Got a kid too. Double threat. Eco-freak and deadbeat dad.
Foreman, House.
Foreman, Sorry! Parentally challenged.
Foreman," No, his neck."
Cameron, It's torticollis. Reaction to the chlorpromazine.
House, It's not just a spasm. It's swollen. [He pushes on the bulges which make a slight crinkly sound.] Crunchy.
Foreman, It's definitely not MS. CrunParkng sounds were caused by an air leak between his lungs.
Cameron, Leak in his mediastinum could have been caused by prolonged hiccups.
Taub," More likely, it was the neck spasm."
Cameron," Most likely, it was there all along. We just didn't notice it till the other symptoms made it worse."
House," So, what causes loss of balance, pathological hiccups, and a hole in his Gloria Steinem?"
Foreman, He was protesting a lumber mill last fall. Sarcoid's been linked to pine forests.
House, No. His A.C.E. lEvels were normal.
Thirteen," Progressive systemic sclerosis. Guy practically lives in industrial waste sites. If a solvent got absorbed through his lungs, caused an autoimmune firestorm!"
House, Start him on IV methyl-prednisolone for systemic sclerosis. Do a full work-up to confirm.
Cameron, By myself?
House, Without yourself. [to the team] Grab a bat. [to Cameron] Grab some pine. Time to bring in the first string.
Cameron, Why?
House, You obviously want to be here. I can't figure out why. I wanna see where you go when you can't be here. [He watches her leave.]
Cuddy," You know what vacation means, right?"
Cameron," You're here because of House, Chase or overtime issues."
Cameron," Well, if it's all right with you, I'd rather communiCate with Chase by communicating with Chase."
Cuddy, Are you in love with House?
Cameron, You! are not concerned about me. You're marking your territory.
Cuddy, You shouldn't be involved with House. Neither should I. Neither should anyone. You and Chase are good together. Just don't screw it up.
Franni, When are you gonna stop this?
Doug, How can you ask me to stop?
Franni, You're in a hospital. You have a son.
Foreman, The steroids ought to get him breathing normally again.
Thirteen, But autoimmune diseases are serious. It might not be a bad idea to take some time at home. Rest up.
Doug, I can't just quit.
Franni, [crying] Do you hate us that much?
Doug, I love you. And I love our son. But why should he matter more than Everyone else's?
Franni, He does.
Doug, Why? Because he's biologically connected to me? There's no rational reason.
Franni, He's our son!
Doug, And he's gonna need to drink clean water. And breathe clean air. I'm doing this for him too.
Wilson," Come on in, House. [He opens the door] Because who else is it going to be at 10:30 at night? And, no thanks, I already ate."
House, Didn't ask you to dinner.
Wilson," But you were going to. And, when I explained that I'd eaten hours ago, you were going to move on to your real entrÔøΩe, rifling through my kitchen."
House, Hmmm. Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means that you know that I'd find nothing. Or that you know I'd find something so you're hoping that I'm going to assume the former and I won't bother to look. [He heads into the kitchen]
Wilson," Or it means it's late, I'm tired, I know you're here to advance some paranoid theory based on a single egg white omelet, and I'd like to get it over with so we can both go to sleep."
House, Your single omelet theory conveniently overlooks the grassy knoll you had for lunch today. Vegetable and grain gag-athon.
Wilson, The Warren Commission found no evidence of a second lunch. Possibly because it was stolen from the doctor's lounge.
House, You're not getting any fatter. Your medical records were clean.
Wilson, You checked my ÔøΩ ?
House," You're alone tonight, so it's Kutner."
Wilson, How could Kutner have any conceivable ÔøΩ
House," Your Patients live, your Patients die. You float above it all like a medical colossus. But a fellow doctor dies!"
Wilson," That's brilliant. Kutner was a wake-up call that if I didn't eat healthier, I might kill myself."
House, Mortality is mortality.
Wilson, And! Ice cream is ice cream. [He takes a half gallon out of the freezer] Full fat content. Quadruple fat content. [He shows House a package of bacon. Next he hands House a bag of Parkps from the shelf above the refrigerator.]
House, Stuff you haven't eaten just proves you haven't eaten it.
Wilson, You were hoping for evidence of stuff I have eaten? First door on the right.
Foreman," [on speaker phone in Doug's room, shouting above the screaming] Excruciating pain in his left leg! Acute onset about ten minutes ago."
Franni, What are you doing to him?
House, I assume they were checking for vascular pulsations. Either it's negative or he's a big wuss.
Thirteen, It's not a tumor or an aneurism.
House, [winces and hold the phone away from his ear] Metabolic bone disease?
Foreman, Bone density's normal.
Taub," But the bone covering might not be! If it's osteomyelitis, an infection eating away at his periosteum ÔøΩ"
House, That explains the pain. Odds are it's a subclinical infection that we made worse with the steroids we gave him. Start him on IV antibiotics. X-ray his legs to confirm osteomyelitis.
Thirteen, Cameron's already done a full set of lower-body x-rays.
House, The infection obviously flared. Do 'em again. [He closes his phone to the sound of Doug still screaming.]
Wilson," Even if I had changed my diet, what possible reason could I have for hiding it from you?"
Thirteen," Ankle, tibia, fibula all look normal. No inflammation, no signs of osteo."
Taub, Hang in there. We're almost done.
Thirteen, You and your wife! You talk about stuff?
Taub, Sex.
Thirteen, No. Anything else?
Taub, Money. [She gives him a look.] I'm gonna go way out on a limb here. Foreman not a Chatty Cathy?
Thirteen," Normally, it doesn't matter. But last week it did."
Taub," If you wanna date men, good chance talking won't be ÔøΩ [He looks at the x-ray] His femur's fractured."
Thirteen, That's impossible. It's the hardest bone in the body.
Taub, And he broke it lying in bed.
Taub, How can you have a broken femur without so much as a bruise?
Foreman, WhatEver broke it had to do it from within.
Thirteen, Osteogenesis imperfecta?
Foreman," Brittle bones wouldn't cause hiccups. Plus, we'd have seen abnormal coloring in the sclerae."
House, [drinking something to wash down the pill] Which leaves cancer.
Foreman, Since when does bone cancer cause hiccups? [He plays with the empty pill bottle.]
House, Which means it's not bone cancer.
Foreman, Or it's not cancer.
Thirteen," House is right. It'd be hard to find a guy outside Chernobyl who'd been exposed to more carcinogens. Pesticide plants, nuclear waste sites."
House, Tell Chase to repair the break. You two prep him for chemo.
Foreman, You want to blast him with chemo for a cancer we don't Even know he has?
House, Nope. I wanna blast him for with chemo for a cancer that explains the symptoms.
Chase, Intramedullary nail.
Foreman, Hold on. [He's scrubbed up.]
Chase, That your House imitation? Some late-breaking epiphany
Foreman, I just want you to get a bone biopsy before you insert the pin.
Chase, For a broken leg?
Foreman, House is prepping him for chemo. Thought it might be worth checking for cancer before pumping him full of poison.
Chase, Does Cameron agree with House?
Foreman, Cameron isn't on the case anymore.
Chase, Huh.
House," Still enjoying your day off, I see."
Cameron, Why are you prepping him for chemo?
House, The more interesting question is why do you care?
Cameron, You're not Even sure that it's ÔøΩ
House," What I mean is, why do you care from here? You can monitor the Patient from home. What's the difference between here and home?"
Cameron, [dripping with false sincerity] You're not at my home. [normal voice] This has nothing to do with ÔøΩ
House," Any other differences? Hmm! there's less medical equipment, more training bras, and more Vegemite sandwiches. Actually, technically, right now, Chase is here. But that's because I called him, and you didn't know that. And it's irrelevant to my point. Which is! You and Chase are over."
Cameron, You are wrong.
House, You decided that his single drawer of clothes is one drawer too Many. But you don't have the guts to tell him. So! You're emotionally walking away instead of actually walking away. Which is stupid 'cause only one of those is good for your heart.
Cameron, [long pause] He's gonna ask me to marry him. I was looking for some thick socks. Found the ring.
House, And you want to say no. So I circle right back to his single drawer of clothes ÔøΩ
Cameron," I don't want to say anything. I don't want him to ask. Not now. Kutner! We're all a little freaked out. We go home, we just wanna hug someone. We just wanna know Everything's gonna be okay. I don't want him to propose just 'cause he's scared."
House, Oh.
Husband," She's got a headache, fEver. She's completely exhausted. Tell him about your chest, Honey."
Wife, Um ÔøΩ
Husband, Her breasts are really tender.
House, You guys have a hot tub?
Husband, No.
House, She must go to the gym a lot.
Husband, Not in years.
House, Then maybe when you travel on business you zip on down to that complimentary hotel spa.
Wife, No.
House," Sorry, did you just say yes?"
Husband, What the hell's wrong with her?
Cuddy, Got a minute?
Husband, He doesn't. What's wrong with her?
House, Sorry. I'm sure she's got a medical crisis. And I need more time to figure out some leading questions for your wife.
Cuddy, What's going on with Cameron?
House, She doesn't want back on my team and she doesn't want to jump me.
Cuddy, Okay. [She starts to leave.]
House," Wha, wha, wha, what? You ask a question. I rule out two possibilities and you're satisfied? That means you don't want an answer. You just wanted to know there wasn't a particular answer. Either you were worried that she wanted back on my team, or you were worried that she wanted back on me."
Husband," This isn't a medical crisis, is it?"
House," Could be. A lot of STDs hang in the balance. [He turns back to the door but Cuddy has left. He sighs.] I give up. Vinegar compresses four times a day. Any chance I could just leave it at that? [The husband glares.] No. Pseudomonas folliculitis. It's a skin infection from crowded and contaminated hot tubs, which you obviously use, but not with your husband. [The wife looks guilty. House whispers to her] Tried to help a sister out."
Foreman, The nuclei were all normal. Bone cells were well differentiated. No dysplasia means no cancer.
Franni," That's good, isn't it?"
Foreman," We hope so, although it also means we still have no idea what caused the break. How does it feel?"
Doug, It hurts.
Franni, Is it supposed to look like that?
Foreman," No. But it's pRobably just residual bleeding from the surgery. We should be able to! [He finishes lifting off the bandage. The incision is bleeding quite a lot. Foreman rushes to the other side of the bed and lifts the blanket from Doug's other leg. It is mottled.] I need two units of FFP, right away!"
Franni, Oh my God! What's happening?
Foreman, He's bleeding out.
House, Means it's gotta be cancer.
Foreman," It's gotta be, except it's not. The biopsy was negative."
House, Biopsies can be wrong. Symptoms can't.
Thirteen, All signs point to cancer but you can't blast a cancer you can't find.
House, Sure you can. Prep him for total body irradiation.
Taub, You do realize that's insane.
House, Not unless you think the cancer's clEverly hiding outside his body.
Thirteen, Steroids already weakened his immune system. That much radiation'll kill him before it kills the cancer.
Foreman," And if he doesn't have cancer, we could cause one or destroy his immune system altogether. The guy could die from an infected toenail."
House," [getting in the elevator] You'd rather do nothing, just let him die on his own?"
Taub, I'd rather make his cancer worse.
Thirteen, That's like pouring gasoline on a fire. At least total body irradiation's an actual treatment.
House, [thinks] His idea is better. Pour away.
House, I lost my mojo.
Wilson, Have you retraced your steps? Does your cleaning lady check your pockets before ÔøΩ
House, I was clueless about Kutner. I was wrong about Cameron. Taub just came up with an idea that I should have seen long before he did.
Wilson, No one saw anything coming with Kutner. You hardly Ever see Cameron anymore. And you hired Taub to come up with ideas that you wouldn't have come up with.
House, And I have no idea why you're eating carrots.
Wilson, Good.
House," I'm losing my mind. All you got to say is ""good""ÔøΩ?"
Wilson," House, a guy you worked with for two years, who you mentored and, yes, possibly Even cared about, just blew his brains out. You can't find the reason, can't find meaning in it because sometimes there isn't any. Sometimes! this is all there is. You should be losing it. You'd be crazy not to be off your game. But your mojo is right where you left it. Just! keep playing with it. I gotta go. Help yourself. [He gestures toward the carrots.]"
Taub," I know this is a tough process. At the first sign of any tumors or masses, we can ÔøΩ"
Franni, Start saying prayers?
Thirteen, It's gonna be okay. Once we can ÔøΩ
Franni, No. It's not gonna be okay. You're growing his cancer.
Doug, [wheezing] This isn't the doctors' fault. I've exposed myself to a lot of bad stuff. I knew the risks. I want my life to mean something. If that means I'm destined to! [He passes out as the maParknes start beeping.]
Thirteen, He's in V-tach and no pulse. Grab the paddles!
Franni," Oh, God!"
Taub, Charging. Clear! Charging. Clear!
Chase, I've been looking for you.
Cameron, And! I've been thinking about you. Just hadn't reached the looking stage yet.
Chase, Which is the pRoblem. You asked for a day. I gave you two. You told me you had a secret you couldn't share. I respected that. Now I don't know what's worse ÔøΩ blowing off our vacation to hang around House or continuing to blow it off when he won't hang around you?
Cameron, If you think I'm the least bit interested in House ÔøΩ
Chase, I don't know what I'm supposed to think.
Cameron, I know this looks bad. And ÔøΩ
Chase," I don't care how it looks. I care what it is. And you're not telling me what it is. I'm trying to trust you, but!"
Cameron, I just! I need a little more time.
Chase, No.
Cameron, This! has nothing to do with House.
Chase," Yeah, well it has nothing to do with me, either. Not anymore. [they stare at each other] Let me know when I can come pick up my things."
Taub, [voice over] Nothing on the echo. We drew a troponin lEvel. No signs of myocardial ischemia. All the tests were normal.
House," Loss of balance. Pathological hiccups. Air leak between the lungs. Broken femur. Now tachycardia. Go! [Silence] Come on, give me something. Give me a bad idea. Maybe I can turn it into a good one. [Silence] Fine. Open him up and put in a defibrillator."
Foreman," That's perManent and risky. We don't Even know what, if anything, is wrong with his heart."
House," Redo all the tests. In the meantime, open him up, put in a defibrillator so he can live long enough for you to finish the tests. [The team leaves.]"
House," Balance, organs, nerves, lungs, bones, heart."
Wilson," [Playing $25,000 Pyramid] Things you use to make bratwurst."
House, [sits on steps with a sigh] There's no sign of infection. It's not a metabolic or autoimmune disease. It's definitely not cancer. I think.
Wilson, Definitely not cancer.
House, [indicating the vending maParkne] Aren't you going to pick?
Wilson, I'm thinking. Is there a ticking clock?
House, You already put your money in. You nEver do that until you decide.
Wilson, That's very observant of you. Too bad you distracted me. Now I'm! thinking I might change my mind.
House, There's nothing healthy in that maParkne.
Wilson," No, there's not. [He makes a selection.]"
House, Gummi bears. You hate gummi bears.
Wilson, People can change.
House," No. And more importantly, I hate them."
Wilson," [smiling slightly] Oh, fine. Then I won't offer you any."
House," You Manipulative bitch. [Wilson's smile gets much broader.] You're not suddenly eating healthy because you want to. You're eating healthy because you know I don't want to. I've been mooParkng food for ten years. [He stands.] Now, either it suddenly started bothering you this week or you're ÔøΩ"
Wilson," Screwing with you. It needed to be done. After Amber died, I withdrew, tried to change Everything, hoping I'd sort it out. Find some deeper truth. It was a mistake. I should have gone back to normal, to here and now, because that's all we can Every really count on. Things need to get back to normal in your life. And! what could be more normal than me screwing with you and you figuring it out?"
House, [admiringly] You Manipulative bitch.
Taub, We need to put in a cardioverter-defibrillator. It'll keep your heart beating while we keep looking.
Doug, What does that mean?
Taub," It means, Even if we figure this out, you'll have to stop protesting anywhere not near a hospital."
House, [entering] Hi! Got a few questions.
Taub," Uh, we're about to start doing ÔøΩ"
House," A hopefully pointless medical procedure. Your life and my mojo hang in the balance. Pesticides are evil, which means that commercial flowers are doused in evil. But plant life is nature's answer to evil. So you have a garden."
Doug," No, we live in an apartment."
House," A window box, then."
Doug, No.
House, [grasping at a straw] Potted plants?
Franni, Nothing. The commercial growers ÔøΩ
House," Yeah, yeah. They're evil. Yeah, got it."
Taub," House, I really don't think we have time for this."
House, [to Taub] Your marriage sucks.
Taub, Thank you.
House, All marriages suck. [to Doug and Franni] Your marriage sucks.
Franni, No.
Doug, I love her.
House, He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can't have sex with it. Unless it's that slutty oak outside Portland.
Taub, You wanna get to your point?
House," She's had enough. She's gonna leave. Or maybe she's jut not putting out. WhatEver. You gotta make it right, right away. You gotta compromise that precious flower principle."
Franni, NEver.
Doug, [long pause] Once. [to Franni] Three weeks ago. Our anniversary. I missed the dinner to be at that rally. You planned it for months. You were mad. Really mad. I bought you flowers. I brought them home. You were gone. So was your suitcase. I tossed them and bought you the earrings.
House," Roses? [Doug nods.] Yes. You have sporotrichosis. It's an infection from the thorn of the rose which, by any other name, is still a cheap marital aid."
Doug, The flowers are what gave me ÔøΩ
House, Lesion on your eighth cranial nerve knocks out your balance. Another on your phrenic nerve gives you serial hiccups. We then spread it to your bones and heart with steroids and insulin-like growth factor.
Franni, Please tell us that this is good news.
House, It's good news for him. It's good news for future generations. It's crappy news for you. He's gonna be fine. And he'll nEver doubt himself again.
Cameron, There you go.
House, Damn. I was hoping I would interrupt something. [He closes the door on the Patient and tosses a file on the exam table.] Your favor's repaid. Patient's cured. He's already packing for another Earth Day extravaganza next week.
Cameron, He almost died. He can't take a few days at home with his family?
House, People only change after trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they've watched too Many afterschool specials.
Cameron, You talking about Chase?
House, I'm talking about you. You lost husband number one. No surprise that the death of a colleague would make you question another long-term lease.
Cameron, You teaParkng commitment classes? 'Cause I thought you were too busy with your lecture on ÔøΩ
Cameron, I told you I nEver wanted to dump Chase.
House," Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It's totally different. Much less guilt. Either way, you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a pretty dumb one to begin with. [He leaves, closing the door behind him.]"
Cameron, I should nEver have postponed our vacation.
Chase, [continuing to button his shirt] I should nEver have planned it.
Cameron, [tearfully] I found the ring in your sock. [He's listening] I didn't want you to propose out of some sort of knee-jerk reaction to what happened to Kutner.
Chase," Well, I guess you don't have to worry about that anymore."
Cameron, I'm not. I! I don't care how it happens. I just want it to happen.
Chase, Are! Are you proposing to me?
Cameron, I'm... proposing that! you propose to me.
Chase," After I broke up with you. After you ruined my planned proposal, you expect me to ÔøΩ"
Cameron, I'm not expecting. [pause] Hoping.
Amber, [who is leaning against the piano] Solved another case. Busted Wilson.
Laura, [signing] You look like superMan.
Seth, [signing] I'm nervous.
Laura," [signing] You're going to kick ass. [Ellie, Seth's mother, waves from the stands.] I think your mom's trying to get your attention."
Ellie," [signing] Check it out. [She opens her sweater. She's wearing a t-shirt that says ""Deaf Pride.""ÔøΩ]"
Seth, [signing] You're not deaf.
Ellie, [signing] I'm proud of you.
Referee, 145 pounds. Johnson. Miller.
Seth, [signing] Gotta go.
Laura, [signing] Good luck.
Seth, AAAAH!
Seth, AAAAH! OHHHHHHH!
Amber, [voice over] House. House. I know you're not asleep.
House, [without opening his eyes] That insight would be a lot more impressive if you weren't just a product of my exhausted brain.
Amber, Aren't you curious about why I'm here?
House, Curious why no French maid's outfit. No spanky pants.
Amber," I'm a hallucination, not a fantasy."
House, It's insomnia. Four nights without REM sleep can causeÔøΩ
Amber, That might explain why you're hallucinating. Doesn't explain why you're hallucinating Wilson's dead girlfriend.
House, PRobably just my secret and very unconscious desire to get Wilson into my bedroom.
Amber, Or maybe your guilt over Kutner's suicide reminds you how guilty you felt about me.
House," Who cares why you're here. A decent night's sleep, you won't be."
Amber, Guess I'll be around a few more hours.
Taub, Need some coffee?
House, Addictive substances are no substitute for nature's healing balm. [He takes a Vicodin] Make this fast. I need to sleep.
Thirteen, Deaf 14-year-old started hearing imaginary explosions.
House," Exploding head syndrome. Cool. Well, obviously his brain knows how to hear."
Taub, Patient went deaf at age four. Complication of meningitis.
Amber, So why no cochlear implant?
Foreman," Usual suspects are insomnia, which he doesn't have; migraines, which he doesn't get; and head trauma, which didn't show up on the CT."
Amber, Damn imaginary pen.
House, [glances at her then back at the chart] Mom's signature's on Everything. Did Dad die?
Foreman," No, doubt it. He was a sperm donor. Medical records couldn't be cleaner."
House, So we're left with temporal lobe seizure.
Amber, Wrong.
Thirteen, Someone at the wrestling meet would have noticed a seizure.
House, Could have just looked like a bad shot to the leg. Put him in the seizure lab. See if his head blows up all over again.
Amber, You're going to ignore your own subconscious? Gonna be the limp leading the blind.
House, I need a scrip for sleeping pills. My neighbor's dog's been keeping me awake and seems strangely invulnerable to poison. [Wilson puts the file on the table and goes to his desk.] Why is the soon-to-be-second-prettiest Dr. Chase here?
Cameron, I'll take that as a congratulations.
Wilson, We're discussing a case.
Amber, Why did he close that file?
House, Wedding in two weeks? I'd say you were pregnant but I don't think Chase's body is mature enough to produce sperm.
Cameron, It's a small ceremony. Why wait?
Wilson, [offering the scrip] Nighty night.
Amber, Drugs with no lecture? He wants you out.
House, Interesting case?
Cameron, Possible prostate cancer came into the ER.
Amber, Pencil cup.
House, Ho! No wonder his prostate's enlarged. It's full of pool cues and cigars. [The folder holds flyers from various venues.]
Cameron, Chase's best Man doesn't get here till the day of the wedding so I asked Wilson to throw his bachelor party.
House, No retired ministers available to plan it?
Wilson," Chase doesn't want some big, raucous party."
House," So she says. Luckily, there are people in this world ready to stand up for what's right."
Cameron," No, no, no. I don't want ÔøΩ I don't want you toÔøΩ"
House, Listen. There are two things I do well. Bachelor parties rank! towards the top.
Amber," [waiting by the door as House leaves] I get to help, right?"
Foreman, Starting five hertz. House made it through that entire differential without mocking our Patient for not having a cochlear implant.
Thirteen, The Patient doesn't want an implant because he's comfortable with who he is. It's admirable.
Foreman," He's deaf. It's not an identity, it's a disability."
Thirteen," It's also a culture. The deaf have their own schools, their own language. [looks at Seth] Still no spiking."
Foreman, Going to 20. Anything I can simulate with a $3.00 pair of earplugs is not a culture. No sign of seizure. Temporal lobe activity is still clean.
Ellie," Doctors, doctors. He can't see. One of his eyes."
House, The limp leading the blind.
Thirteen, Is that supposed to mean something?
House, So exploding head syndrome plus vision loss.
Taub, Subclavian steel syndrome. Vascular defect coupled with constant arm movement could siphon blood flow from the brain.
Thirteen, We should do an angioÔøΩ
House," [grabbing the bottle] Knock yourselves out. [He goes into one of the treatment rooms, shuts the door and leans against it.] How did I know he was gonna go blind? [Nothing] Don't get cute, Gazoo. You're in my mind. You're obviously there."
Amber, C-reactive protein. I noticed in his file it was slightly elevated. I figured the stress of the seizure lab would drive inflammation Even higher. Lead to optic neuritis.
House," That's a lot clearer than ""the limp leading the blind.""ÔøΩ"
Amber, It was just a glimmer. I couldn't put it into words.
House, It was a long shot. I don't Even remember the c-reactive protein lEvel.
Amber, Obviously you do. You just don't know it.
House, How high is K2?
Amber, I don't know.
House," Me neither. But I read a book about it years ago. Fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover, bending overÔøΩ"
Amber," 28,251 feet."
House, Cool. An all-access pass to my own brain.
Amber, Go play the kid some music.
House, Why?
Amber, Another long shot.
Foreman, We're using iodine dye to track the blood flow in your neck and arm.
Foreman," House, what are you doing?"
House, What does it look like I'm doing? Fighting the power.
Ellie," You're an ass. [She reaches over to turn off the music. Seth stops her and signs.] He says he feels the vibrations in his abdomen, but not his hands. What does that mean?"
House, [removing the glasses and turning off the boom box] It's a new symptom. Neuropathy.
Amber, Thought you were gonna get some sleep.
House, Case got interesting.
House, Like the zoo. Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want.
Foreman, How did you know about the neuropathy?
House, Good question.
Foreman, Enough with the riddles.
House, Tell me about it.
Amber," Think ""wrestling record.""ÔøΩ"
House," Juggling. No, pins. Three pins. Patient was pinned in his last three matches. Leading up to that he was 15 and 0. I figured his balance was off from diminished sensation."
Foreman, Could be increased ICP from a brain tumor.
House, That we missed on the head CT?
Thirteen, Cutting weight for wrestling could have led to rhabdomyolysis.
House, He just went up a weight class three months ago.
Amber, Foreman's right.
House," Actually, increased ICP could make sense."
Foreman, You just saidÔøΩ
House, I was processing.
Amber, It also puts a new symptom on the table.
House, His deafness. What if it was caused by NF2 cancer instead of his Parkldhood meningitis?
Foreman, So meningitis was a coincidence?
House, Or a byproduct of the cancer suppressing his immune system. MRI his head.
Taub," If you're right about NF2, his deafness may be rEversible. I'll set it up and talk to the Patient."
House, You two! doing anything?
Foreman, You know what a broken cowboy is? [She looks at him] It was on House's list of requirements.
Thirteen, I have three theories.
Foreman, [smiling at her] Why is House so into this bachelor party thing?
Thirteen, He needs a reason to be into a bachelor party?
Foreman, He needs a reason to be into anything.
Thirteen, Give me your wallet. [The dancer is crawling on all fours toward them]
Foreman, House could be trying to tempt Chase into cheating. Break them up.
Thirteen, [looking away from the dancer for the first time] You think House is into Cameron? [She slips a bill into the dancers boy shorts.]
Foreman, I think House is into Cameron being into him. Marrying Chase would shatter that fantasy.
Thirteen, If Chase cheats then they shouldn't be getting married in the first place.
Foreman, So you're okay with House getting Chase smashed enough to make a stupid mistake?
Thirteen, Being drunk doesn't change who you are. It just rEveals it.
Foreman, You think she can do the broken cowboy?
Thirteen," God, I hope so."
Taub," NF2 is an extremely slow-growing cancer which makes it very treatable. If we're right, taking out the tumor means there's a chance you'll regain your hearing."
Seth, [signing] No
Ellie, [signing while she speaks] He said you have to.
Taub, What's wrong.
Ellie, He wants you to treat the cancer but leave him deaf.
Taub," Yeah, sorry. Doesn't work like that."
Laura, [signing] It will be okay.
Seth, [signing] I'd have to change schools. I'd barely see you.
Laura, [signing] You won't see me at all unless you get better.
Taub," Imaging shows slightly elevated ICP, but no masses on or around the nerves. It's not cancer."
House, Slight bowing in the wall of the fourth ventricle could still indiCate a tumor.
Foreman, We brought pictures.
Thirteen, The fact that you sent me on a scouting missionÔøΩ
Amber, No skirts.
House, You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage.
Taub," The ventricle bowing is most likely a pre-existing anatomical anomaly, not the indication of a tumor."
Thirteen," No way to know for sure without a brain biopsy. If I get drunk enough, there's a chance I might make out with one of the strippers. Or become one."
House and Amber, Sold.
Taub, We can't just drill into our Patient's brain on a hunch.
House and Amber," [Looking at the picture of a stripper] Oh, God, not her."
House, She's the one that got me hooked in with Madoff.
Foreman, Taub's right. It's not cancer.
House," Yeah, by all means, abandon a great diagnostic theory because it's difficult to prove. Do a biopsy. We need to take a better look at his fourth ventricle."
Amber, Or an older look.
Taub, The mom's nEver gonna let us touch his brain without some evidence.
Amber, Patient broke his nose years ago. Hospital could have done an MRI.
House, [exhales] Okay. [He gathers up Seth's films.]
Wilson, The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party. [long pause] Have you seen Caligula?
House, [entering] My Patient's brain now! versus three years ago. [he puts films on the light board.] See any difference? [to Chase] Is he telling you to avoid the party?
Wilson, I took an oath to do no harm.
House, Sure. Don't come. If you want your wedding vows to be meaningless.
Chase, This should be interesting.
House," You are going to commit to that one special Woman forEver. Which is beautiful. But if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before."
Chase, You're evil. Se ya.
Wilson, [who has been studying the films through all this] The wall of the fourth ventricle changed. It isn't bowed in the older scan.
House," Evidence of NF2, right?"
Wilson," You'd need to do a brain biopsy to confirm. [House takes the scans] Uh, I'm not going to the bachelor party. Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way."
House, [opening the door] That whole thing with the duck was hardly unexpected.
Wilson, I'm not going.
House, Okay.
Amber," [who just ""arrived""ÔøΩ] It's not okay."
Amber, Do you know who we need? [She and House are in the observation balcony] That stripper you got for Wilson's bachelor party. You could do body shots right off her.
House," Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson's party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers."
Amber, She loved cats.
House, What made you remember the stripper loved cats?
Amber, Chase has a cat. They'll bond.
Chase," [on speaker.] Ahem, House? You, uh, entertaining yourself up there?"
House, [turning on the intercom with his cane] Just rehearsing for the revival of Evita. What'd you find?
Chase," The biopsy shows nerve inflammation consistent with increased intracranial pressure. Something's wrong, but it's not cancer."
Amber, He's going to go through life deaf.
House, He's okay with that.
Amber, He has no idea what he's missing. His mom's a moron. He's gonna pay for her stupidity for the rest of his life? Are *we* okay with that?
House, [thinks then turns on intercom] Why are you closing? Supposed to put in a cochlear implant.
Chase, Wasn't in the paperwork.
House," Really? Well, someone must have screwed up. I'll go track it down."
Chase, I'll wait.
House, That's a great idea. Let the kid spend more time under anesthesia with his skull cracked open.
Chase, I'll wait.
House, I have been known to lie to serve my own agenda. An implant does absolutely nothing to help me diagnose him.
Chase, [to a nurse] Let's get an implant tray in here.
Chase, Just! Just try to relax.
Seth, [signing] What did you do to me?
Cuddy, Her son didn't want the implant.
House," If he still doesn't want it, after having time to adjust, I'll take it out. I'll blind him too if he wants to experience that culture."
Ellie, Remove it now.
House, Kid's just had brain surgery. He's not stable.
Cuddy," Ms. Miller, I'm not trying to minimize Dr. House's wrongdoing, but the best thing!"
Amber," Why is she sitting? [Now she's standing behind House] She's not yelling, not threatening, not pacing. [she's next to Ellie again] Just sitting."
Cuddy," Understand, Dr. House? [he's in a fog] House. Focus. I need you to say you accept the arrangement."
House, No pRoblem. [to Ellie] You're not mad.
Ellie, I'm mad.
House, Not mad enough. You wanted your son to hear. You just didn't have the guts to make him get the implant.
Ellie," Once my son is stable, I want that thing out of his head. [she leaves]"
Cuddy, Why did you do this?
House, Because he is ignorant and he's being raised by an idiot.
Cuddy, Not good enough. You always haveÔøΩ
House, [shouting] My Patient is opting into a handicap! It's an insult to all the other gimps out there.
Cuddy, Okay. But I'm still putting Foreman in charge of the case.
House, That's the arrangement? [she nods slightly] Okay.
Amber, You're okay with Foreman in charge? Who you calling? Oh! Right. You don't want to look like a lunatic.
House," Yeah, about that!"
Amber, You think we did the wrong thing?
House, I'm not sure. [they enter the elevator] I'm not Even sure why we did it.
Amber," Well, that argument you made to Cuddy sounded pretty good."
House," To you, maybe."
House, Huh. I figured by now you'd be at the board in your monocle and jodhpurs.
Foreman," Yeah. You did something stupid. Quick, better mock someone."
Thirteen, Why did you do it?
House," Why did I give a huMan being the power of hearing? You ask God the same question, he'll give you the same answer."
Taub, Patient has a fEver now too.
Thirteen, PRobably just a post-op complication. Arnold-Parkari?
Foreman, Not without muscle weakness.
Taub, Pseudotumor Cerebri?
Foreman, We checked his eyes before the surgery. No papilledema.
Amber, Candy. [She's biting into something.] I'm pretty sure Wilson's stripper's name was something sweet.
Taub," Maybe his fEver is more than the post-op reaction. His girlfriend was sick a few months ago. [Amber is in the background, making a disgusted face over what she's eating] Maybe her flu was really Epstein-Barr."
Amber," Lolly? [She's got a giant, red, all-day sucker]"
Thirteen," They swap spit, virus travels to his brain, leads to meningitis, leads to increased intracranial pressure."
Amber, I agree. Taffy? [She's stretParkng a long piece of pink taffy.]
House, I agree.
Foreman, Go ahead. Start him on ribavirin for Epstein-Barr.
House, Keep making decisions like that. It really bolsters the illusion that you're in charge.
House, Why aren't you in my office?
Wilson," Because I know what the word ""my""ÔøΩ means."
House," I did something insane, and you're not all over me analyzing why."
Wilson, It was nice.
House, I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he's been. How is that nice?
Wilson," You didn't do it to solve the case. You didn't do it to save his live. You! did it to make his life better. It was a caring act ÔøΩ which you did in a way that was immoral and illegal, but! Baby steps."
Amber, Doesn't sound like us.
House, I know.
Wilson, And you're okay with that?
House, [opening the door] What choice do I have? [He and Amber leave]
Seth, [signing] Make them take it out.
Ellie, [signing] They can't operate again. First you have to get better.
Seth, [signing and shaking his head] I don't want this thing in me.
Ellie," Seth! [whispers] Please, God."
Seth, [signing] What did you say?
Ellie, Seth?
Seth, [signing] Is that my name? [He finger spells S-E-T-H. Ellie nods]
Ellie, Yes.
Seth," [signing] Say it again, please."
Ellie, Seth. [They hug for a very long moment. Taub enters. Ellie stands up] Oh. I think he just wet the bed.
Taub," Kid's dehydrated but stable. Thankfully, the fountain of whiz seems to have stopped for the moment."
House, Not before hosing Epstein-Barr off the table. Now eat up. We're gonna pick out the ice cream flavors for the bachelor party. [He sticks a spoon in each container. They each taste some.]
Taub," Could be systemic autoimmune disease, sarcoido ÔøΩ This tastes like! vodka."
House," Well, it would be stupid if it tasted like bourbon. That's the brown one."
Thirteen, It is vodka?
House, Flash frozen in a secret process. Guy figured it out in his basement. [He swallows a spoonful of yellow ice cream] Limoncello. Genius.
Foreman, The symptoms came on too hard and too fast. Sarcoidosis is progressive.
Amber, [she's joined them at the table] Remember in med school when Donovan gave grand rounds? There was that guy who was peeing liters.
Thirteen, Glomerulonephritis? A wrestler. Steroids could have damaged the kidneys. Hmm. The scotch is nice. [She passes it to Foreman]
Taub, His urine would have been brown.
Amber," Donovan ruled out osmotic diuresis ÔøΩ kidney disease. [As House sits down, the entire room, except Amber and him, fades to grayscale. The team can still be heard, quietly.]"
Taub, Pheochromocytoma?
Thirteen, No hypertension. Plasma metanephrine's normal.
Foreman, Devic's?
Amber," It happened at night. That was the clue. Night, recumbent body position, changes in BP"
House," [long pause] It's his heart. [He looks at the team. They're back to normal] Run a 12-lead EKG, watch him for four hours. Foreman concurs."
House, What the hell just happened? Everything started to fade away.
Amber, You're getting better at focusing. Ignoring Everything that doesn't matter. [She sees Chase approaParkng] Uh-oh. He looks pissed. I think he might hit us.
House, Is your eyesight better than mine?
Chase, We need to talk about the bachelor party.
House, Excellent topic choice. Surgery's so boring and my lying to you is just so yesterday.
Chase, It's my fault for letting you talk me into the implant. Cameron is not going to be happy about this party.
House," But you, on the other handÔøΩ"
Chase, Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron.
House, So! I need to cancel the fart band?
Chase, So! I need you to kidnap me.
House," Spoken like a true Aussie. By the way, if you know where I can get me the sheet music to Waltzing Matilda! [Chase starts to leave] Hey. Want some ice cream? We're having a sundae bar. [He tosses Chase a pint.]"
Chase, Sweet. [He leaves]
Amber, [snapping her fingers] That's her name.
House, Sundae or bar?
Amber, Karamel.
House," With a ""K.""ÔøΩ"
Laura, [signing] I wish I could get an implant too.
Seth, [signing] You don't need one. No one does.
Laura, [signing] It's a great thing. It's going to open up a whole new world for you.
Seth, [signing] I don't want a new world. This doesn't have to change things.
Laura, [signing] I'll be back in a minute. [speaks to Thirteen] Bathroom? [She has the flat intonation that's common for deaf people when they talk]
Thirteen," [points] Down the hall, two doors on your right."
Seth, [signing and speaking] Do I! sound like! her?
Thirteen, It takes time.
Taub, You still haven't slept?
House, [burps loudly] And then I have a clEver response. [He opens another can.]
Foreman," EKG normal sinus, normal intervals. His heart's fine."
Amber, His heart's not fine.
House, The heart was fine during this test. The arrhythmia's hiding.
Foreman, Or we were wrong about the heart.
Taub, Could be the thyroid.
Thirteen, Hashimoto's would explain the kid's urine and brain pressure.
Amber, Treadmill.
House," Or, the arrhythmia is hiding. We need to stress him. Put the Patient on a treadmill."
Foreman, The Patient just had brain surgery. A stress test could cause a brain bleed and kill him.
House, I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion.
Foreman, You're not doing this. You haven't been sleepingÔøΩ
House, Cuddy doesn't actually want you in charge. She just wants to avoid a lawsuit and to win an NAACP award.
Foreman," And if I let you risk our Patient's life testing an organ we already tested, we accomplish neither. Run a thyroid panel."
House, How do we get him into the stress lab without Foreman's sign-off.
Amber, We could kill Foreman. [House gives her a look. They pass a pretty blonde.] Is she new?
House, Focus. The lab simulates stress. What if it's not simulated?
Amber, We could tell him his girlfriend dumped him.
House, That's a tough sell since she nEver leaves the room for more than five minutes.
Amber, We could kill her. [another look from House] Or! Asthma meds. Force the heart to beat faster.
House, REvealing the arrhythmia. [whispers] Nice idea.
Amber, It was yours.
Ellie, I just left the room for a few minutes.
Thirteen, He ripped out his implant. So much for improving his life. [She's trying to stop the bleeding]
Amber," Actually, I think we just saved it. [she turns to the monitor]"
House, Look at that. Arrhythmia.
Foreman, You were right about the heart. Should have listened to you.
House," The correct phrasing would be, ""I should always listen to you.""ÔøΩ"
Taub, He's got pRoblems Everywhere. What goes Everywhere?
Thirteen, Blood. Could be thrombocythemia. Excess platelets lead to clotting throughout the body.
Foreman, Not with a normal platelet count.
Taub, So the clotting doesn't start in the blood. It starts in the lungs. Pulmonary embolism.
Foreman," Should do a VQ scan, see if his lungs are clear."
House, Go.
House, You sure I did this at Wilson's party?
Amber, Last time you used grain alcohol instead of the Sambuca.
House, And it worked?
Amber, [shrugs] This is why we're rehearsing. Ever wonder what's happening Every time our Patient gets sicker?
House, [trying to stay ahead of the flames] Not right now!
Amber," First symptom, wrestling. Then, under the lights of the seizure labÔøΩ"
House, Are you going somewhere with this? Because this feelsÔøΩ
Amber," Just keep doing what you're doing. It helps. Then, under the stress of blindness! and post-op fEver. What do all the symptoms have in common?"
House," [has finally put out the fire. He thinks] Heat. See, if you hadn't been here that would have just popped into my head. Which actually would have been way cooler. [He takes out his phone and dials] Foreman. The kid's got Uhthoff Phenomenon. Which means it's MS. Start him on double-dose interferon. [He hangs up]"
Amber, Let's get our drink on.
House," Not before I've added ""chemical burns""ÔøΩ to this guy's cause of death."
Foreman, Patient's responding to interferon. Looks like I can retire as department figurehead.
Male Officer, Dr. Chase? We're with the Department of Citizenship and Immigration. Did you recently apply for a marriage license?
Chase, Uh! Yes.
Male Officer," According to our records, your work permit is expired. If you could come with us. [he grabs Chase's arm]"
Cameron," Um, I'm his fiancÔøΩ. I can come along and clear this up."
Female Officer," I'm sorry, Ma'am. Illegals only."
Chase, [calling across the lobby] I'm! I'm sure it's a mistake. I'll call you as soon as I know what's going on.
Cameron, [to Foreman] Don't let House get him in too much trouble.
House, Allow me to welcome you to the best night of your life. [He pours the flaming alcohol into a tumbler.]
Chase," A-huh. [He covers the glass with his hand, putting out the flame. Then he drinks it in one swallow. House has him in a one-armed hug.]"
House," Now, ah, a few ground rules for the Evening. Uh, safety is job one. We've now gone for 18 days without an injury in the workplace. [The door opens and Wilson slowly walks in. He looks around while House speaks. Foreman and Thirteen clink glasses and drink.] Uh, yes, these girls are all working their way through law school. Don't test them."
Wilson, House!
House, [smiling as he leans past the glasses so he can see Wilson] I knew you couldn't stay away.
Wilson, [waves House over with his patented two-finger gesture] This is my apartment. You can't do this.
House," Clearly, reality begs to differ."
Wilson, Where's my furniture?
House, Out back somewhere.
Karamel, [from behind Wilson] James.
Wilson, Karamel?
Karamel," [She hugs him and he awkwardly hugs back, his briefcase in hand.] Hi. How's your wife?"
Wilson, Uh! We! We got divorced.
Karamel, Ohhh.
Wilson, How's your cat?
Karamel, Dead.
Wilson, Oh.
Karamel, How 'bout we go have a drink?
Wilson, Oh!
Karamel, This way.
Wilson, Okay.
Wilson, [to Foreman] You're okay with this?
Foreman, I paid 50 bucks for this.
Wilson," You guys are great together. Trust is Everything. I gotta get some air. Keep it real. [As he makes his way to the door it becomes apparent that, in addition to his jacket, Wilson is no longer wearing his pants.]"
Amber," You should be out there, enjoying the lap dances of your labors."
House, Eh. I kinda like it in here.
Amber," [sitting in the other end of the tub with a matParkng bottle] Me too. To us, figuring out MS."
House, And the blindness and neuropathy and arrhythmia and anything else we did. [they drink] What exactly did my team do?
Amber, Looked good in their lab coats. Except for Taub. Some people just work better alone! so to speak.
Foreman, One more drink.
Chase," No, I can't. I gotta take a break."
Taub, Meet Karamel.
Foreman, Huh?
Chase, Maybe one more drink.
Chase, What's that taste? Is that ÔøΩ Is that strawberry? [He gasps once and keels over.]
Foreman," House, you in there?"
House, Use the other bathroom. It's in the kitchen. Looks like a sink.
Foreman, Chase went into anaphylactic shock from the stripper's body butter or something.
House, Is he okay?
Foreman," One of the residents had an epi pen, so he's fine but we're taking him to the hospital to be safe."
House," [quietly] Okay. [long pause] I knew that Chase was allergic to strawberries, didn't I? [Amber shrugs slightly] That's why you wanted Karamel at this party."
Amber, I suggested Karamel 'cause she was great at Wilson's party.
House, I knew about her body butter. I knew about his strawberry allergy. I tried to kill Chase. Why would I do that? I don't want Cameron.
Amber," You're not a big fan of other people's happiness, either."
House, Hello. [pause] You confirm? [pause] Thanks. [hangs up] That kid we saved! He's dying. It's not MS. We were wrong.
Cameron, Thank God you're okay. What happened?
Chase, [quite drunk] Thee was a girlÔøΩ
Foreman, Long story.
Cuddy, Patient's lung failure rules out MS. We put him on a ventilator.
Foreman," [takes films and handles them awkwardly] Uh, enlarged lymphs couldÔøΩ"
Cuddy, Are any of you sober?
Amber, Turn around. You need to go to the hospital.
House, I need to sleep. [He enters the apartment and closes the door in Amber's face.]
Amber, I'm you. You can't just shut a door.
House, You tried to kill Chase. I need to push you back down. You're dangerous. [his cell phone rings]
Amber, It's the hospital.
House, Not answering. [he answers on the second ring] Hello?
Cuddy," I'm here with your team, trying to sober them up so they can help treat your dying Patient."
House, Foreman's dying Patient.
Cuddy, What causes lung failure plus your Patient's previous symptoms?
Amber," Eosinophilic pneumonitis. White blood cells accumulate, clog up the lungs, lead to heart pRoblems. It fits."
Cuddy," House, are you there?"
House, It's not eosinophilic pneumonitis. I gotta crash.
Cuddy," House, don't hang up. We need your help."
House, I can't.
Amber, We can solve this.
House, Good night. [He hangs up and picks up his cane.]
Foreman, Eonsinophilic pneumonitis could actually make sense.
Thirteen," No, House ruled it out because it would affect the larynx. Patient would be! hoarse. Which we wouldn't notice in a deaf kid who rarely speaks."
Cuddy, Wait. Everyone's getting breath mints.
Foreman, We need to hear Seth speak.
Ellie, [translating to ASL] But that means taking out the tube. Isn't that dangerous?
Thirteen, It's the safest way to confirm what's wrong with him.
Foreman, I need him to breathe out as I pull out the tube.
Ellie, [signing and whispering] Breathe out.
Thirteen," Say ""ah.""ÔøΩ [Ellie translates.]"
Seth, Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Foreman," I'm sorry. We were wrong. I need to, uh, suction out your throat before we reintubate. [Just before he inserts the suction tube he stops and inspects Seth's mouth and teeth.] Your son smoke?"
Ellie," [signs ""smoke""ÔøΩ] Smoke? I don't think so."
Foreman, Tobacco stains on his teeth.
Ellie, [signs and translates Seth's reply] He says he used to chew tobacco to cut weight for wrestling.
Foreman, Used to.
Thirteen, Chewing tobacco wouldn't explain his symptoms.
Foreman," But not chewing tobacco might. Taub was right. It's sarcoidosis. The tobacco releases toxins. Those toxins suppressed his immune system. Once he quit chewing, the absence of those toxins kicked a dorMant condition into hyper-drive."
Ellie, Is it treatable?
Thirteen, Usually responds to corticosteroids and methotrexate. I'll start the meds.
House, I need sleeping pills. I was gonna hit up Wilson but he's not answering his phone.
Cuddy," He must have left it in his pants. Which he wasn't wearing when the police found him trying to walk home! oddly, from his own apartment."
House, [looks at Amber guiltily] Pills.
Cuddy," Your Patient's doing fine, thanks to your team."
House," It wasn't eosinophilic pneumonitis, was it?"
Cuddy, Sarcoidosis.
House, Good.
Cuddy," House, please talk to me."
House, I haven't slept through the night since Kutner killed himself.
Ellie, [signing and talking] The wrestling might have to wait. I'm gonna tell your doctors to repair your implant.
Seth, [signing] You always said that was my decision.
Ellie," [signing and talking] And then you ripped it out rather than live with it for a few days Even. I'm your mother. This is my call. I don't know if I'm making the right one, but it's mine to make."
Amber, Sleep well?
s Company," II is playing. Cut to a line of feet, in toe shoes. Cuts between the dancers on stage, the orchestra and backstage. Jeremy and Penelope dance together. He dips her and grabs his back as he straightens up.]"
Jeremy, [holding his back] It's way too fast.
Penelope, Felt good.
Choreographer," [with a group in the seats] If we could clear the stage quickly, please."
Jeremy," [to the conductor] Maury, it's too fast."
Maury, It's exactly the same.
Jeremy, Then slow it down.
Choreographer," [coming down the aisle] Everything all right, Jeremy?"
Jeremy, Sure. Ready when you are.
Choreographer," From the allegro, please."
Woman, What's his pRoblem?
Choreographer, His back's not 100%.
Female Staff Member, He can't talk to the conductor like that.
Choreographer," No, he can't. [looks at Penelope, dancing] She could."
Penelope," [to Jeremy, sotto voce] You okay with the lift?"
Jeremy," Fine, unless you mess up the timing."
Penelope, My timing is perfect.
Jeremy, It was last night.
Female Staff Member, [as Penelope dances toward Jeremy] Moment of truth.
Jeremy, Ahhhhhh!
Male Staff Member, Damn it!
Manager," Penelope, are you all right?"
Jeremy, She can't breathe. Call a doctor.
Amber," Are you going to ignore me all day, again? I help you."
House, You tried to kill Chase.
Amber," Doing what you wanted. That's all, boss. [She stands between him and the TV] I exist."
House," No, you don't. I acknowledge my subconscious exists. Now go away."
Amber," Saying it is one thing, living it is another. You're not rational. [He gives her a look as he heads to the door] Not completely."
Foreman," [in the hall when House opens his door] Put the phone on the receiver, send the hookers home and get dressed. We've got a case."
House, I'm taking a personal day.
Foreman, Twenty-one year old star of the New York Ballet collapsed on stage.
House," I love ballet but, as someone may have mentioned, I'm taking a personal day."
Foreman, Cuddy said get your ass in or you're fired.
Amber, She's not gonna fire you? If you don't go to work?
Foreman, Okay. [he leaves]
Amber, How long do you figure until I just! disappear?
House, [following Foreman into the vestibule] Hold on.
Thirteen, No tumors or punctures in the lungs. No bruising. No sign of trauma. No STDs.
Taub, And supplemental oxygen's only gotten her saturation lEvel to 60. Lungs keep collapsing despite a chest tube.
Foreman, ER ruled out the obvious. White count and temp are normal so no pneumonia.
Amber, Coffee's burnt. Thirteen's wearing cherry-flavored lip gloss. Foreman's staring at you. Any of that helpful?
Foreman, House?
House, STD?
Foreman, We just said the tests were negative. You think we should!
House, No.
Amber, She's a dancer. What about dehydration?
House, What about a pulmonary contusion?
Thirteen, CT showed no inflammation on the lungs.
Amber, What about dehydration?
House, B.U.N. and creatinine are elevated but within range!
Amber," Hey. I'm just the irrational part of your brain but elevated means high, right? Dehydration could hide an infection."
House, Dehydration could hide an infection. Go treat her for the obvious. IV fluids and antibiotics for the pneumonia.
Amber, We're like Magic and Kareem. [She puts up a hand for a high-five and House walks past her.]
Wilson," Mr. Pietramala, you have kidney cancer."
Pietramala," Wow. Is that a bad one? I mean, they're all bad, but!"
Wilson, The door was closed for a reason.
House," Well, now it's open for a reason. We need to talk."
Pietramala, He just told me I have kidney cancer.
House, Then you'll obviously need a moment to process.
Wilson, House!
House, I'm hallucinating.
Wilson, I'm! I'll be right back. [He follows House into the hall. House closes the office door.]
House," I need you to sit in on my differentials, double-check Everything I do."
Wilson, You can't treat Patients.
House, It's gotta be sleep apnea. I get a good night's sleep and I still feel exhausted. Lack of delta sleep can lead to hallucinations.
Wilson, Do you have any other neurological symptoms?
House, I don't think so.
Wilson, Aphasia?
House, No.
Wilson, Memory loss?
House, Nope.
Wilson, Irritability?
House, Yeah! That one!
Amber, Don't deflect. He cares about you. You care about him. Tell him you!
Wilson, [at the same time] You shouldn't be practicing. At least!
House, Enough! [Both Amber and Wilson stop talking.] Don't give me the look. I told you I was hallucinating.
Wilson, [looking behind himself] Who were you talking to?
House, Someone who's not actually here. Beyond that seems irrelevant.
Wilson, Your mind made a choice. It means something.
Amber, You know he's just going to keep asking.
House, Kutner.
Amber, Good choice. He feels bad.
House, You gonna help me or not?
Wilson, Yeah. [He goes back into his office.]
Chase, I could eat from this place sEven days a week.
Cameron, We practically do.
Chase, [clearing the table] You can order tomorrow night. Do you want some wine?
Cameron," No, thanks. [pause] I have my husband's sperm."
Chase, Your dead husband's?
Cameron, We froze it when he got diagnosed.
Chase, And you kept it? All this time?
Cameron," I used to think if I didn't find anyone, then!"
Chase, You found someone.
Cameron, I know. But!
Chase, What if it goes wrong? What if I turn out to be a radical anarParkst with a secret family and that I age backwards?
Cameron," Nobody plans on getting divorced. I didn't plan on my husband dying, but he did."
Chase," So you're saying you want a prenup, in liquid form."
Wilson, What if it's not sleep apnea? Trauma from your motorcycle accident? Vicodin abuse? You need to be admitted.
Amber, [Sitting on the foot of the bed] I know you're wrong about sleep apnea which means you know you're wrong about sleep apnea. You're scared. Tell him you're scared.
House, [to Wilson] Can't sleep with you here.
Wilson, Did it work?
House, Do you see someone standing beside me?
Wilson, No.
House," Then, no. [Amber is standing next to him.]"
Amber," So, what's next on your list of things it's not."
Foreman, [entering] Patient's not responding to the antibiotics. Still can't breathe.
House, So run a test to confirm it's pneumonia.
Foreman, We can't do a bronc because her lungs are still collapsed.
House, Trans-tracheal aspiration.
Foreman, That's basically water boarding.
Wilson, It is pretty radical.
Amber, It's a great idea!
House," Regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?"
Wilson, Somewhere between regular and you.
House, So what's the pRoblem?
Foreman, Everything okay?
House," No. Our Patient can't breathe. Either do the test or come up with a better one. [Foreman leaves. House hands Wilson a list on the back of an envelope] So, we're down to infection, trauma, MS, sParkzophrenia, pills."
Wilson, SParkzophrenia usually Manifests younger.
House, That's why it's further down the list. We can confirm an infection with a simple blood test.
Amber," An infection can be treated. Cured. Means you still got a job. Means you still got a life. Doesn't make it a better idea, just a nicer one. This the rational you talking?"
House, [handing a blood drawing kit to Wilson] Can't do this on my own.
Foreman," When we inject the water it's going to feel like you're drowning, but it will be over in a few seconds."
Penelope, Then it will be better?
Taub, A little.
Foreman, [to Taub who has moved to the head of the bed] Hold her shoulders down a little. [He swabs her throat with povidone.] Ready? [He starts the tracheotomy] You're doing great. Here comes the liquid. [She starts to cough and sit up.] Taub.
Taub," I slipped. Oh, no."
Jeremy, What?
Taub, Her skin came off.
Foreman, Her skin is sloughing off faster than we can replace it with the artificial skin.
Thirteen, Could be autoimmune.
Foreman, The ANA was negative.
House, Focus on the lungs.
Foreman, You want us to ignore the fact that she's lost 80% of her skin?
House," We know it's not lung cancer. It could be a liver tumor, eats through to the lungs. Get an ultrasound of her liver. If you find masses, get a biopsy."
Foreman, We can't just ignore the skin. It's obviously the most significant and dangerous symptom right now.
House, I don't think it is a symptom. I think we caused it.
Thirteen, By doing what?
House, I prescribed antibiotics.
Foreman, Toxic epidermal necrolysis. That's a one in a million reaction.
House," Yeah, well, maybe this is the one. Get swabs of her old skin to confirm."
House, Where the hell were you?
Wilson, I do have a practice.
House, Ballerina has toxic epidermal necrolysis.
Wilson, Are you sure?
House, About to be.
Wilson, I'm sorry.
House, I feel guilty.
Wilson, You didn't do anything wrong. You prescribed antibiotics. Any other doctor would have done the exact same thing.
Amber," Any other doctor? Words can hurt, you know."
House, I have no reason to feel guilty. It doesn't make any sense. Unless there's something wrong in the limbic area of my brain.
Wilson, Guilt as a symptom?
House," It's consistent with MS. And, since the blood tests were negative! I have to apologize. If I feel better then you're right, I was feeling an emotion. If I feel nothing, it means my limbic brain is shot."
House, I'm Doctor House. Anyone explain to you your status?
Penelope, They found a mass in my liver. Cancer.
Jeremy, They said that they think they can treat it and that the skin is starting to take.
Penelope, I'll be able to dance again.
Amber, [sitting next to House] She's half dead and she's wondering if she'll Ever plie again? Healthy priorities. Let the mocking begin.
House, I'm sorry. I treated you for an infection before confirming that you had one. That's why you lost your skin. I know you're in pain. I know that I caused it. I'm sorry.
Amber, Very nice. [She pats him comfortingly on the leg]
Jeremy, Thank you?
House, [thinks then shakes his head] Nothing.
Amber, Maybe you didn't mean it.
House, I meant it. Did you do a liver biopsy to confirm?
Foreman, [in the hall with Wilson] Couldn't. The artificial skin was too thin. She'd bleed out. Why were you talking to the Patient?
House," I think skinless women are hot. Do a trans-jugular liver biopsy. If she bleeds, at least it stays in her veins. [He looks at Wilson]"
Foreman, Did you just check with Wilson again?
House, No. [Foreman leaves] I felt nothing. It's MS.
Wilson, Apologies aren't supposed to make you feel better. They're supposed to make the other person feel better.
House, In order to make you feel better.
Wilson, Fine. You want to do an LP to confirm or is guilt enough to start filling prescriptions.
Foreman, Last mass about a centimeter to your right. [A maParkne beeps]
Chase, PRoblem?
Foreman, A short burst of flutter. We're almost done.
Chase, Entering the right hepatic vein. Cameron kept her dead husband's sperm.
Foreman, She doesn't like yours?
Chase, She likes his better. Or at least she wants to hang on to it in case mine is! unfaithful or something.
Foreman, Wow.
Chase, Advancing two centimeters.
Foreman," You gotta let her do it. If you don't, you'll be stuck with her forEver."
Chase, I want to be stuck with her forEver.
Foreman," She married a dying guy. She has issues. You cannot leave her Ever, for any reason because then you're not just the guy who left her; you're the guy who killed her kids. [A maParkne starts beeping rapidly] That's not a good rhythm. Get out."
Chase, Narrow complex tachycardia. She's gonna crash.
Taub, Liver biopsy was negative for cancer but the procedure sent her heart into a-fib.
Thirteen, We don't know it was the biopsy that caused the heart pRoblem. Maybe the heart caused the lungs to collapse.
Foreman, Why is Wilson here?
House, You were looking for cancer. I thought it would be helpful for [he gestures toward Wilson]
Foreman, We didn't find cancer.
House, Yes. Which you reported to me five seconds ago. Thought I'd let him finish his hors d'oeuvres before getting the bouncer to take care of him.
Taub, Until we regulate the heart we can't get meaningful pictures so we can't tell!
Wilson, Metoprolol can correct irregular heart!
Foreman, Tried it. Didn't work. Is Cuddy making him oversee?
House, No!
Taub, Heart's too irregular for MRI. Other scans wouldn't !
Foreman, Then you're making him oversee your choices. You don't trust yourself. Why?
House, Wilson. Get out.
Wilson, Are you sure?
House, Do I need your approval to throw you out? [Wilson leaves] You happy now?
Taub, There's only times her heart's going to be still for our pictures and that's when she's dead.
Amber," It's not MS. SEvere mental illness and Vicodin are all that's left. Mental illness means you can no longer practice medicine. Vicodin means detox, which means pain for the rest of your life. Which means you can no longer practice medicine."
House, Are you saying we should kill her?
Taub, No.
House, If we stopped her heart we could get our pictures and then restart it.
Thirteen, What if we can't restart it?
House, Then she stays dead.
Taub, We restart hearts all the time.
Thirteen, It'll take four minutes to MRI her entire heart.
Foreman, And we only have three minutes until there's brain damage. Sure about this?
House, Yeah.
House, We're gonna stop her heart so I can MRI it. I think it was her idea. Pneumonia was her idea and almost killed my Patient.
Wilson, Her?
Amber, Ooops.
House, Kutner was secretly a Woman. That's why he killed himself. [Wilson waits] It's Amber.
Wilson, Your subconscious picked my dead girlfriend?
House, Yeah. The irrational part of my brain works like the rational part of yours. How about that.
Wilson, It raises questions.
Amber, It answers questions.
House, Who cares? I've got competing ideas. They can't both be right.
Amber, Everybody gets competing ideas. Everybody has doubts.
House," So is it regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?"
Wilson, It's on the upper end of you radical. Do you have any alternative?
House, Nothing that anyone in my head has come up with.
Wilson, Then you're as safe as you can be.
House," Great. [starts to leave, turns back] You get the LP results back?"
Wilson," Yeah. It's a big shock. You don't have MS. But while I had your blood sample, I checked your Vicodin lEvels. Way too high."
House, I need the pills.
Amber, Not an argument. He knows that's not an argument.
House, It could still be sParkzophrenia.
Wilson," House, if you're on anti-psych meds, you're not going to be able to practice."
House, I know.
Wilson, You'd prefer electroshock therapy to rehab?
House, I'd prefer something that could actually work.
Wilson, You're rationalizing.
Amber, No kidding.
Wilson," I know that you're afraid of the pain, but electoshock?"
House," Don't give me the cancer voice, that overly earnest tone."
Wilson," Heart attack, stroke, seizure, death or worse."
House, Worse? Double-death?
Wilson," You live but you damage the only thing you care about. Your rational mind. [House lets this sink in, then nods] I'll make some calls."
Penelope, I'll actually be dead?
Chase, Just your heart. Just for a little while.
Penelope, Hopefully.
House, I have an idea.
Wilson, Stop having ideas.
House, Insulin shock.
Wilson," Yes. That's marginally less dangerous than ECT. Puts you in a coma, could cause!"
House, Could work.
Wilson," If you had psychosis, which you don't."
House," I've had no diarrhea, no sweating, no vomiting. None of the symptoms of Vicodin overdose."
Wilson," Yeah, except the ""I see dead people""ÔøΩ thing."
House, I've been popping pills for years. I've only been seeing things for days. Something changed.
Wilson, Vicodin addiction is still more likely.
House," So, we're no longer dealing in absolutes."
Wilson," House, I'll be up in five minutes. Then we can talk about how you'd rather be in a coma than in rehab."
House," Actually, if you could be up here in two, that'd be really helpful."
Wilson, Why?
House, Because I'm about to put myself into insulin shock.
Thirteen, Left atrium is fine.
Taub, Left coronary artery also fine. We're almost at three minutes.
Foreman, Keep going.
Chase, Chordae tendineae clear.
Thirteen, Right atrium is fine.
Chase, I got to start her back up.
Thirteen, We have some time.
Chase, We're over.
Taub, Right coronary artery is fine.
Thirteen, The three-minute threshold is a guideline.
Chase, She might have less. We have to stop.
Foreman, What's that by the aorta?
Taub, I don't see anything.
Chase, I'm restarting her heart.
Foreman, That's a shadow. Two centimeters!
House, You're only scared because you know this is going to work. [He injects the insulin in his left forearm]
Thirteen, We're over three minutes.
House, Yes. [He begins to seize.]
Wilson, I need glucose in here!
Wilson, You could have died. [House pushes the curtain between cubicles aside and looks in.]
House, It worked. Where are my pants?
Wilson, Are you sure? [Picks up House's jeans]
House," She's been Everywhere I've been for days. [House sits on the edge of the gurney with his (scarless) right thigh showing. He pulls on his pants while Wilson tosses his jeans on the gurney.] She's not here, ergo!"
Wilson, This was not the next rational step.
House, Now who's being biased? You wanted me to detox as much as I wanted! [stops dressing] Forgot how to do my zipper.
Wilson, Any other neurological deficit?
House," You don't seem to annoy me as usual. I'm not sure that's a deficit. [zips pants] And, I'm all better."
Wilson, Is she really gone?
House," Absolutely. I can feel myself repressing all kinds of icky things. I check out, don't I? [Wilson shrugs as House's beeper goes off. He checks it] Damn."
Chase, He didn't see anything. He saw an artifact on the monitor.
Foreman, It was a shadow on her heart.
Chase, She'd already been technically dead for three minutes. I thought keeping her alive took precedence over prolonging the photo op.
House, Any brain damage?
Thirteen, No. And all tests indiCate that!
House, Obviously had more time.
Chase, [giving up] Best of luck. [He leaves]
House, I assume we can't kill her again and take more pictures.
Foreman, Uhhh. You'll wanna check with Wilson?
House, Good one.
Taub, It's something. A lesion.
Thirteen, Tumor? Scar tissue?
Foreman," Could be an abscess infection. Explains why it's invisible in the blood. It's doing its damage behind closed doors, sealed off."
House," See, the pRoblem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named ""Lation""ÔøΩ which really doesn't affect me at all."
Taub, We have to guess. It's all we've got. We can't do a biopsy. The last time we went into her heart she had a major cardiac Event.
House, Which just leaves!
Taub, What are you looking for?
House, I don't know yet.
Thirteen," The picture doesn't change. She lies there in pain. He sits there, worried."
House, Nothing changes. [pause] I just had an epiphany. All by myself. Popped into my head out of nothing.
Taub, Care to share?
House, He's too devoted.
Foreman, Too devoted? You think he feels guilty?
House," Right. I'm being cynical. People can care because they care, not because they cheated. Theoretically true. But gonorrhea fits better."
Thirteen, No. No STDs. We tested her.
House, Tested her blood.
Taub, That is the test.
House," That's not where her pRoblem is. Gonorrhea disseminated to her heart. Got walled off in an abscess, it'd be invisible."
Foreman, And it would look like a shadow.
House," No need to test her again when we can check Prince Charming. Once you confirm, cut the abscess out of her heart."
Molly," Here are your onion rings, extra well done."
House," Thank you, Molly. And another beer when you get the chance. I'm celebrating."
Molly, Alone?
House," Thank goodness. [MMMBop is heard. House pulls out his cell phone.] Don't tell me, I was right."
Foreman, [at House's desk] Yep. Boyfriend has gonorrhea.
House, And Everyone's a winner.
Foreman," He's not too happy about it. He insists he's nEver cheated, must have gotten it from her."
House, Don't think so.
Foreman, Timing would fit. He's got no symptoms and she's dying.
House, Lying would fit too.
Foreman, He's not hanging out in her room anymore. [House thinks] What does it matter? You were right. We're prepping her for surgery.
House," I saw guilt in him. If he's not actually guilty, then I wasn't right. I was lucky."
Foreman," House, you made a brilliant deduction about her heart."
House, And if I was just lucky!
Amber," Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink. The years go by [laughs] as quickly as a wink. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. [Laughs]"
House, Wilson. Come get me.
Wilson, I know a nice facility outside Philly. I went to undergrad with one of the directors.
House, Thanks.
House, How Many shirts do I need?
Wilson, They said three. They have laundry.
Amber, Like living with Mom again. Delightful.
House, It's pRobably Foreman.
Wilson, He's unavailable.
Foreman," [in Penelope's room] Tell him the infection's made her septic. We can't remove the abscess until we get her BP up and it's not responding to fluids, it's not!"
Wilson, He's off the case. [He closes the phone.]
House, Patient okay?
Wilson, Yeah.
Amber, He's lying.
House, Why don't I feel scared?
Wilson, I'd say you're unaware of what you're feeling at this moment.
House," I feel like crap. My life if falling apart, but I don't feel scared. Not of the rehab, anyway."
Amber, We've always been able to find a way to cheat.
House, It won't work.
Wilson, You want it to work this time.
Amber, Do we?
Wilson," House, it's your only option."
House, What do I do if my only option won't work?
Wilson, You don't give up.
House," Hmm. It's either that or electroshock Every six hours. Good night, Wilson."
Taub, What if we put her on a heart-lung maParkne?
Thirteen, She's septic. We don't need a heart-lung maParkne. We need a blood-vessel-holder-together maParkne.
Foreman, We could try high-dose dopamine. It's a vasoconstrictor. It'll close the blood vessels so she won't bleed out.
Taub, Her heart can't take that much dopamine. It'll explode.
Foreman," And, if we don't use the dopamine, it'll implode."
Thirteen, Is House really done?
Foreman, It sounded that way.
Thirteen, Dopamine it is.
Cuddy, It's late and I'm tired. Can we get to the talking part of this conversation?
House, I quit.
Cuddy," Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30 so your week off, bigger desk, tighter nurses' uniforms or whatEver other stupid thing you're about to deMand is going to have to wait until!"
House, You can go suckle the little bastard Parkld who makes you feel good about yourself.
Cuddy, [very hurt] Screw you. [She walks to the door.]
Amber, Don't do this.
House, I'm hallucinating.
Cuddy, [stops] From the Vicodin?
House, Ruled out Everything else.
Cuddy," We can, uh, admit you through the ER under a pseudonym. No one has to!"
House," I'll cheat, scam, find some way to keep using."
Cuddy, These people know what they're doing.
House, These people don't know me. You do.
Amber, She's not your keeper. She has no responsibility for you.
House, I need you.
Cuddy, Let me call my baby sitter.
Taub, Blood pressure is 90 over 60.
Foreman, We know.
Taub, I'm just saying it's still 90 over 60. It's holding.
Chase, Abscess is intact. It doesn't look like any of the surrounding tissue is affected. She's gonna be fine.
Nurse, Doctor!
Chase, We've got a pRoblem.
Cuddy, Lie down. I'll get you some tea.
House, Yeah. That'll be better. [He watches her leave then leans across the couch to open a decorative box on the end table.]
Amber, You really think she hasn't searched this place for your secret stash?
Cuddy," I already did this room and the bathroom and your bedroom. Where should I look, in the kitchen?"
House, [His eyes are watering. He's shivering. His hand has a major tremor. He can barely speak.] Coffee cup. On the top shelf.
Cuddy, That was a test. I already did the kitchen.
Amber, Nicely played. She'll think you've come clean and given her Everything. [House nods]
House, There's more.
Amber, Don't. You're hurting already. It'll only get worse.
Cuddy," House, you should tell me where it is now because you won't have the will to tell me in two hours."
House, My shoes in the closet.
Amber, It's like I don't Even know who you are anymore.
Cuddy, Okay. Hold my hand.
Penelope, Am I okay?
Chase, We were able to successfully remove the abscess from your heart but the dopamine caused the blood vessels in your hands and feet to clamp shut. We need to amputate or the gangrene will spread. You'll die.
Penelope, My feet?
Chase, And your hands. I'm sorry.
Penelope, No. I'm a dancer.
Chase, The tissue can't be saved.
Penelope, No.
Taub, We know what House would do.
Chase," House would have nEver woken her up to ask for consent. If you can't live with the answer, don't ask the question."
Thirteen, You're saying we should accept her decision.
Chase," Bold idea, I know."
Thirteen, Maybe we can get the boyfriend to convince her to do it.
Chase, Yeah. Boyfriends get Everything they want.
Foreman, Forget it. The boyfriend doesn't want to talk to her at all. [He stands.]
Taub, Where are you going?
Foreman, Home. The case is over.
Taub," No, it's not. Not until we come up with something that might work. It's a shame that she might die because House has some personal crap to work through."
Chase," Technically, if she dies it's because House has some personal crap to work through and we weren't smart enough to get the answer without him."
House, False alarm.
Cuddy, Drink this. [Hands him a glass.]
House, That's your advice? Drink this?
Cuddy, It's ginger. It'll ease the nausea.
House," You know what would calm the nausea? Vicodin. Marijuana. A coma. [He sees a lone Vicodin on the floor, past the bath mat.]"
Amber," Now, don't pretend you didn't see it. I saw it, which means you saw it. Send her away."
House, Too bitter. I already have enough bitter.
Cuddy, I'll add some Honey. [She leaves]
Amber," You're pathetic. If you want the pill, just send her home. But you can't because that would mean admitting defeat to her."
Cuddy, No!
House, No! No!
Chase, This isn't going to work.
Taub, It might work. That's all we're going for. Vasodilators can!
Chase, Big jump from reopening to reanimating. I'm out of the ulnar. I'm not seeing any clearing. This won't work.
Taub, This pRobably won't work.
Chase, Radial artery's really tight.
Taub," Don't go too fast. If it clots, she loses the hand."
Chase," If it clots, she's dead. [He looks at the monitor] I can't beliEve it."
Taub, What?
Chase, It might be working.
House, Can you stop? The breathing.
Cuddy, Air goes in. Air goes out.
House, Then use your nose.
Cuddy, You're supposed to feel like crap. You're doing great.
House, And after?
Cuddy, You come back to work.
House, And what if I can't?
Cuddy, Opioid dependency can make you think you have more pain than you really have. You're going to be okay.
House, You're telling me what I want to hear. With no evidence.
Cuddy, I'm telling you what I beliEve to be true.
House, With no evidence.
Cuddy, You're hardly the most unbiased observer.
House, Neither are you. [Cuddy looks surprised.] I'm your hospital's biggest asset.
Cuddy, Is that why you think I'm here?
House, That's why you're here. That's why you're lying to me about!
Cuddy, I haven't lied to you in 20 years.
House," Sure you have. [He props himself up, interested in the puzzle] Which means that you just said that because you want to tell me what you lied to me about twenty years ago."
Cuddy, You're an ass.
House, Am I wrong?
Cuddy, I wasn't in your endocrinology class.
House, You sat next to me. I cheated off you in the midterm.
Cuddy, I audited your endocrinology class.
House, Why would you!?
Cuddy," Because I thought you were an interesting lunatic, Even then. I'm not here protecting hospital property."
House, We're alone.
Cuddy, We've been alone all night.
House," No, I mean Amber. She's gone."
Penelope, Where's Jeremy?
Taub, He left. [pause] You okay?
Chase, The surgery worked.
Cameron, Congratulations.
Chase, I can't do it. You have doubts.
Cameron, And you don't?
Chase, No.
Cameron," Well, that's! naïve. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you. That's how I feel right now. But I don't! know."
Chase, I'll wait until you do. [He stands]
Cameron, I can't know. No one knows.
Chase, I do. [He leaves]
Cuddy, I'll see you in later? I have some papers to push for you.
House, Thank you.
Cuddy," [starts to open the door] You want to kiss me, don't you?"
House, I always want to kiss you.
Warren," The risotto's not bad, but it's not what Chef Zane did back a Fortunato. He replaced the rosemary with saffron, for one thing. And what is this stock? Did he get it. out of a can. [There's a slight thudding sound and Warren looks back over his left shoulder.]"
Paula, My fish isn't bad.
Warren," But it's not great either, I'm sure. I warned you against the snapper."
Annie, Do you think it'll calm down?
Scott," God, I hope so. That guy is a bit of a blowhard, though, isn't he? The food's not spicy at all. You can barely taste it."
Annie, Mine's pretty spicy. Try it.
Scott, [swallowing a bite of Annie's main course] I don't taste anything.
Warren, You been throwing rolls at me?
Scott, [clearing his throat] Uh! It wasn't me.
Annie," Uh, really. He didn't."
Scott," I'm sorry that someone would choose to behave that way. Really, I! Yeah."
Taub," Bloody tears could just mean subconjuctival hemorrhage. He sneezed too hard from a cold, which caused his lack of taste. House isn't gonna care. Does ""black tie optional""ÔøΩ really mean black tie? Cause I don't wanna rent!"
Cameron, There's been a glitch with the wedding. And House will be interested.
Taub, A glitch?
Cameron, Patient had his corpus callosum cut to correct a seizure issue.
Taub, A glitch?
Cameron," The seizures stopped after the surgery, but he's having trouble adjusting to a split brain."
Taub, A glitch?
Cameron, [entering the bay where Scott and Annie are] This is Dr. Taub. Tell him about shopping.
Scott," Uh, I go into a grocery store. Everything seems normal. I get to the checkout and there's all these extra items in the cart. Stuff I didn't put there. Stuff that I hate. My left hand hates me. [He uses his right hand to stop the left one from removing the blood pressure cuff.]"
Taub, Yeah. I think House'll be interested.
House," Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding ding hmm hmm hmm. Just warning you ÔøΩ I'm in a good mood. And largely pain free. So I have no idea how things are going ÔøΩ"
Taub, Alien hand syndrome.
House, Set off by a stroke? Or is there a pony in the backyard?
Taub, Split brain. Right hemisphere controls the left and ÔøΩ
House, Is making life miserable. Non-logical thinkers often do.
Thirteen, Current issue isn't the split brain. The surgery corrected ÔøΩ
Foreman, You're dissing the right hemisphere?
House," Most people who have this operation don't Even notice they're missing anything. Left brain has language, arithmetic, rationality. Right brain is a mute loser."
Taub, Right brain is more aesthetically oriented. Has greater facial recognition. I couldn't have been a plastic surgeon without it.
House, Yes. And where would junior high be without our ability to Judge people on aesthetics?
Foreman," Right brain's also more aware of the present moment, our place in the universe."
House, It's a universal daisy chain of peace and love that throws buns at people.
Thirteen," His present symptoms could mean autoimmune disease, nasolacrimal tumor, an infection or just a cold."
House," Good morning, sunshine. We got a brand new toy. You wanna play?"
Cuddy, We need to talk.
House, Great. I love euphemisms. By euphemism I mean when you say something and it means something else. [He closes the file and drops it on the table before following Cuddy to his office.] Begin eliminating. Search the home.
House," The, uh! [He gestures at her high-necked blouse.] Isn't that like locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half?"
Cuddy, I'm your boss. You're an employee.
House," Well, I'm not normally into role-playing, but if you wanna! [He approaches her. She backs up slightly.]"
Cuddy," People who get close to you get hurt. That's a fact. You're also a valued doctor in this hospital. That's another fact. From now on, we're gonna focus on the second fact."
House, So this isn't you freaking out over last night.
Cuddy, This isn't an emotional decision. I'm just giving you the rules. You can either accept them or leave.
House, I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from Vicodin. I've been clean for almost 24 hours now. [Wilson stares at him. House waits a moment.] Okay. Thought I'd mention it. [He gets up to leave.]
Wilson, Wow. [pause] Wow. One for each.
House, That's what she said. A ha ha ha.
Wilson, How's the pain?
House, She's pRobably got some bruising!
Wilson," Yeah. I get it. You're a stud. This is serious, House."
House," I feel better than I did four hours ago. Four hours from now, I'll feel better than this."
Wilson, The other wow. You were sober. She was sober?
House, Clean and sober and hot.
Wilson, Wow. This is fantastic. How are you gonna screw it up?
House," SEveral good options. Unfortunately I don't think she's gonna give me the pleasure. She left before I woke up, and five minutes ago she told me that I'm just an employee."
Wilson, Ha.
House, Yes.
Wilson," Well, either she's actually in love with you and scared, or she realized last night was a gigantic mistake. You were needy and vulnerable. She was maternal."
House, You think she jumped me out of pity?
Wilson," No, I'm saying whatEver's going on you! need to talk to her."
House, Absolutely. [He leaves]
Thirteen, Does our Patient freak you out a little?
Taub, No.
Thirteen," If he's two people, then we're all two people, and we just don't know it. What does that say about identity?"
Taub," It says we're making it up as we go along, which I find freeing. Wow, I haven't been in a bathroom this size since my dorm in med school. [He looks up] Is that fungus?"
Thirteen, It's from the steam build-up. [She stands on the toilet seat to take a sample.]
Taub, What do you think of this 'glitch' with Chase and Cameron's wedding?
Thirteen, It's always a sad thing when sperm comes between people.
Taub, I hear the sperm is very good today. I mean the salmon.
Chase, Go away.
Taub, No other tables.
Chase," You'd let your wife keep another Man's offspring on ice next to the frozen peas, just in case? That's what this is about. She's not ready to commit to me. She's planning for failure."
Taub, Did you know that male fruit flies have toxic chemicals in their seminal fluid that inhibit the sperm of other males. [Chase picks up his tray and leaves.]
House, Wilson says we need to talk.
Cuddy, We talked.
House," I agree. [He takes her picture.] This has clearly gotten past the talking stage. [He leaves, pivoting by the door to take two more pictures.]"
Cuddy, What?
Scott, Hi. Great. Did you find my MP3?
Annie," Uh, not yet. But I got your shaving stuff, toothpaste, deodorant, some magazines and this cactus from your window."
Scott," You didn't have to do that, really. The hospital supplies all that stuff."
Annie," I'm still trying too hard, huh? Trying to get your other half to like me."
Scott," No, no, no, no. Don't say that, okay? I like you. Which means that it ÔøΩ [His left hand picks up a red can and hurls it against the wall as Thirteen enters.] We shouldn't read into that."
Thirteen, Antifungal meds. Ordinarily we'd put them in your IV but since your right brain doesn't seem too fond of IVs! You should be feeling better in a few days.
Annie, I have to get back to work. Rick says your shift will be waiting for you when you get back.
Scott," Thanks. [[As she starts to lean in to him, his left hand slaps her across the face, very hard.] Oh! Oh my God! God, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry."
Annie, I have to go. I have to get back to work.
Scott," Babe, wait. Hold on! No, it wasn't me. [He starts to get out of bed to follow her and falls on the floor.] I can't walk."
Taub," Well, obviously it wasn't the fungus."
Thirteen, And it's not a coordination issue. Dehydration can cause loss of balance. We haven't had him on IV.
Foreman," No, good skin turgor. Not orthostatic."
House," Could be our tax dollars at work, constantly building new roadways and bridges. [He puts the lipstick in his jacket pocket.] A meningioma. Slow growing. Could extend along the subosteal layer of the cranial cavity and be hidden by the bone."
Thirteen, The cancer cells are actually re-growing a connection between the left and right hemispheres.
Foreman," If you're right, the two halves have begun sending messages again, but it's too early in the process for him to pick up on it. But, we can test for it."
House, Proof.
Wilson," You didn't talk to her, did you?"
House," If I talked, she'd have lied. I'd have lied. And though two negatives make a positive, I thought thermal-imaging photos seemed simpler. Note how Many more heated areas appear after less than a minute with me."
Wilson, So it's either love or possibly rage.
House, Don't talk to her.
Wilson, I have no plans to talk to her.
House," Manipulation is in your genetic code. You think I'm making a mistake, you move in to correct it."
Wilson, You are making a mistake.
House, She lied to me. Either last night or today. I need to find out which and why.
Wilson," And clearly, thermal imaging is the way. This isn't a case. You're not looking for a diagnosis. If this matters at all to you, please, for once in your life, be an adult."
Foreman, Keep your eyes focused on the plus sign. Any image that appears on the far right will only be seen by your left brain. And any image on your far left will only be seen by your right brain.
Scott, Okay.
Foreman, Just start by saying the words.
Scott," Book. Giraffe. Willow. Fortunate. [The first four words were on the screen on the right. ""Candle""ÔøΩ appears on the left screen.]"
Foreman, You're not saying the word.
Scott, I didn't see a word.
Foreman, Could you draw a picture of what you think the word might be.
Scott, Uh. Look. I didn't see! [He draws a picture of a candle. His picture appears on the center screen.] Candle.
Taub, This is so cool.
Thirteen," Yeah, that's not freaky at all."
Foreman, No communication.
House, So far.
Foreman," Scott, why are you standing?"
Scott, Uh! I'm a little Parklly. I thought I'd get a sweater or something from my room. Is that okay?
Foreman, A few more minutes.
House," And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the left hemisphere! The side that's obsessed with finding answers. The one that needs things to make sense. The interpreter. That's where we tell the story of who we are and why we do things."
Taub," That's also the side that was wrong. Right brain's advantage is that it isn't logical. Doesn't choose which details to look at. Makes connections you could nEver see. You owe your insight to the ""mute loser.""ÔøΩ"
House, I'll send it tickets to a Phillies game.
Thirteen, Confabulation means no communication. Means your theory's wrong.
House, But he is cold. [He leaves the observation area and goes to Scott.] Why are you scratParkng?
Scott, It itches.
House, Ammonia breath. [He opens Scott's gown.] Your liver is failing.
Wilson, I know for them to approve this price they'll need statistical documentation. What? Why are you looking at me?
Cuddy," When you first walked in, I was under the impression you wanted to say something else."
Wilson, Nope.
Cuddy, About House and me.
Wilson, There's nothing to talk about.
House," [enters, also drinking coffee] I want permission to do a liver biopsy. We're looking for sarcoidosis."
Cuddy, Fine. [She puts her coffee cup on the desk]
House," What do you mean, fine?"
Cuddy," What do you mean, what do I mean? Do you mean that because a liver biopsy is not a test that, by any stretch of the imagination, can be considered risky, so asking my permission is essentially wasting my time, and you're wondering what my reaction to that will be?"
House, Yes. [He puts his coffee cup on the desk]
Cuddy, Are you trying to make me angry?
House, Yes.
Cuddy, Do your biopsy. And also do your clinic hours.
House, I'm blowing off my clinic hours.
Cuddy, Really? Let's see how that goes. [Wilson looks at them both. Cuddy is calm and smiling slightly.] Still not angry. Try again later.
Scott," Uh, sorry. I know I'm a little ripe. Just a sweaty guy."
Thirteen, Recently?
Scott," Always. [His left hand pushes the transducer away.] With a crazy left hand. Sometimes I fantasize about cutting it off. Just a fantasy. It's the hand that's crazy, not me."
Taub," What? If it doesn't like an ultrasound wand, how's it going to react to a needle?"
Scott, Can you get music into this room?
Wilson," I think you're using your relationship with Cuddy as a replacement for drugs. You should be in more pain so soon into detoxing, but your body's full of roMantic endorphins. And on top of that, you create this distraction of looking for proof."
House, Think I should stop and let the pain flood back?
Wilson, Cuddy is not a Vicodin substitute.
House, Quite the opposite.
Wilson, You have to wait for her to be ready.
House, Great advice. You pretend that I'm gonna do that.
Wilson, You've made two major changes in your life. Not a time anyone's judgment is at its best.
House, Didn't you use to argue that my judgment would be better off drugs? Admit it. You're curious why I want to make her angry.
Wilson," I'm sure it's convoluted, wrong and stupid."
House, You're dying to know what I found in her coffee cup.
Wilson, No.
House," Oxytocin. [He goes into his office, followed by Wilson.]"
Wilson, Oxytocin. The chemical involved in emotional bonding.
House," Her lips say ""no,""ÔøΩ her hormones say ""Oh, my God, yes. More!""ÔøΩ"
Wilson," No. For you to know her lEvels were elevated, you'd need a baseline to compare them with."
House, I paid the guy in the gym to retriEve one of her water bottles from the trash.
Wilson, Love inspires us to greatness.
House," So, I need to make her lose her temper. Which breaks her delusion. Which demonstrates to me and to her that there's something underneath this facade."
Wilson, And then what happens? She admits Everything and falls into your arms?
House, That's outcome one. Outcome two is she kills me. I think it's 50/50 right now.
Wilson, Great.
House, I thought you'd say that.
Wilson, You're committing yourself to something. To someone. I mean it's Parkldish in a way but ultimately great. Assuming! Are you absolutely sure you want this to succeed?
House, Why is an old guy standing in my doorway?
Eugene," Eugene Schwartz. Eugene Schwartz. Dr. Cuddy asked me to come up here from the clinic. She says you're seeing Patients in your office. It's still free, though, isn't it?"
House, She sent him. That's gotta mean something.
Wilson, I'll go get my decoder ring. [He leaves]
Eugene," I squawk. Like a parrot. [pause] Cawwww. No. That's not it. It started a few months ago. I was doing some woodworking in my garage. I was trying to make a chair. Was it the chair? Anyway, all of a sudden, from nowhere, this strange noise comes bursting out of my mouth. Caw, caw. [He shakes his head] Tough to fake that."
House," Nice pants. [He gets up to leave, Eugene follows him.]"
Eugene," My wife, Mona, thinks I'm busting her chops. It's ruining my marriage. Where are we going?"
Taub," So, your left hand would rather play air guitar than give me a hard time?"
Scott," It'd rather play air guitar than tie shoes, eat dinner!"
Thirteen, You're right hand's playing too.
Scott, I don't wanna discourage it.
Thirteen, Splinter hemorrhages under his fingernails.
Scott, What's that? [He suddenly sits up and vomits blood off the far side of the bed.]
Taub, BP and O2 sats are dropping!
Thirteen, Need a bag of B-negative in here!
Taub, So much for sarcoidosis.
Foreman, Points to a clotting issue. Clots would explain all his symptoms. Why aren't we in the office?
House," I'm tired of clinic duty. There's only one thing that could cause squawking, right?"
Thirteen," Yeah. We gave him heparin and did an echo of his heart to see if it was throwing clots, but ÔøΩ"
House, More air guitar?
Taub," The heart's fine. We wanted to test for Factor V Leiden, Protein C, Protein S but the hand got tired of cooperating. We finally knocked him out."
House," And all the tests came up negative anyway, or you would have opened by telling me your brilliant diagnosis."
Thirteen," He apologized for being sweaty, said it had always been an issue but what if it's a symptom? There are cancers that can cause night sweats and can lead to clots ÔøΩ lymphoma!"
House, Or pancreatic cancer. Go scan his pancreas. And try Led Zeppelin.
Man A, We've always remembered what this hospital did for Leo when his appendix burst.
Cuddy," Still, a check this size!"
Eugene, Sorry to interrupt. Here's my poo. [He puts a brown paper lunch bag on the table.] Dr. House said to bring it over and leave it with you as soon as I could. I don't know if you people have an official term for it ÔøΩ
Cuddy, Stool sample.
Eugene," Ah, yes."
Cuddy, Thank you. I'll take care of it.
Eugene, It's hard to rush these things. Even if you've eaten a lot of broccoli.
Taub, Where are you going?
Scott, Annie called. She's not coming back.
Thirteen, This is not the best time.
Scott," Look, you said the heparin would keep new clots from forming."
Thirteen, Maybe. But something's obviously causing the clots.
Taub, If you have pancreatic cancer ÔøΩ
Thirteen," We're not trying to scare you, but Even in its early stages the fatality rate!"
Taub, You walk out of here ÔøΩ
Scott," Stop! [His left hand throws a red can against the window.] Look, I'd ask you to put yourself in my place, but nobody can put themselves in my place. Did she find somebody new? Was I not being attentive enough? No. She's just tired of being insulted by a limb. She said that my feelings toward her were mixed. [His left hand starts unbuttoning his shirt.] Well, my feelings aren't mixed."
Taub, You're not going anywhere unless you wanna go naked. [Scott grabs his left hand as it starts taking off his shirt.] Your right brain knows you need to stay.
Scott, My right brain's an ass. [He sighs.]
Cameron, Got a minute?
House, There's something wrong with this cup.
Cameron," I need someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to be my whiteboard. That's how you taught me to work. I have three choices. First, I can accept it's over, pretend we don't work in the same hospital, have selective visual impairment when we pass each other in the hall. Second, I can accept it's over and leave ÔøΩ"
House, Or you could try making him angry. Standard choice number three.
Cameron," Third, I can talk to him. But it's not like I have any new fact that I can present and Chase has this roMantic view of love that reality can't compete with."
House, I know how you could succeed.
Cameron, How?
House," Just say the magic words: ""I will destroy my husband's sperm.""ÔøΩ [She gives him a look.] Oh, you mean succeed without doing that. PRobably not."
Cameron," I have doubts. Normal doubts. It's not wrong to prepare for bad things to happen Even if you don't expect them to. I don't expect my condo to burn down, but I have fire insurance."
Taub," [enters] Patient's girlfriend left him, now he wants to leave us."
House," [on his way out the door] If your condo rules don't let you buy insurance, would you go homeless?"
Taub, His room is this way.
House," What, do you think I can fix this? We need to offer this guy something he can only get if he stays in the hospital ÔøΩ relationship counseling."
Taub, I don't know if his girlfriend's ÔøΩ
House, I mean his two hemispheres. That's the breakfast of relationships ÔøΩ the most important one of the day. [He opens the door to Wilson's office.] We need your special skills.
Scott," Uh, is the guy out there? The guy that's gonna make my right brain work?"
Wilson," Oh, for! [turns on microphone] What do you think your right brain wants?"
Scott, How should I know? It's crazy. It does things I would nEver do.
Taub, Duct of Wirsung's slightly enlarged but within normal parameters.
House, Say something.
Wilson, It's mute. It can't communiCate with you. Maybe you should try communicating with it.
House," ""Talk to her.""ÔøΩ The well isn't deep, is it?"
Wilson, You're the dominant half. You make all the decisions. The right side has no control over anything. It must be! frustrating.
Taub, No masses in body or tail segments.
Scott, I can't communiCate with it. That's the whole ÔøΩ
Wilson," When you decide to go and get groceries, what do you do?"
Scott, What do you mean? I put on my jacket and I go to the store.
Wilson," Your right brain has no idea why you're suddenly getting up and putting on your jacket. It just gets dragged along. Next time, try saying it out loud."
Scott," Just say to the empty air ""Hey, I think I'll go to the store because we're out of peanut butter""ÔøΩ? How much did they teach you about people like me when you were learning to be a therapist?"
Wilson, I'm an oncologist.
House, Your right brain likes what he's saying. Hasn't moved the entire scan.
Taub," Hasn't gotten us anything, though. Scan's clean. It's not pancreatic cancer."
House, Clotting could be a pRoblem well before a solid tumor forms. It can still be pancreatic.
Taub," Yes, but if you want a diagnosis backed by actual evidence, we should pRobably look at other cancers."
House, House.
Eugene, I just squawked.
House, What?
Eugene," Eugene Schwartz, your Patient from yesterday. I just squawked. I was buying some flowers for Mona. It happened when I was paying the clerk."
House, I assume Dr. Cuddy gave you this number.
Eugene, Yes! She told me to call you any time I squawked.
House," I'm sorry but I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone. [He hangs up] I might be getting some more phone calls, so let's make it fast."
Taub, Lymphoma ÔøΩ
House," That's right, pancreatic. I know it's pancreatic. I know there's evidence. I know I've seen it. I just can't ÔøΩ"
Taub," Right brain, left brain issues?"
House," If the cancer's too small to find, let's make it easier. Let's open him up and paint it. There's a new procedure using scorpion toxin and infrared paint. Paint only works on the cancer cells. Makes 'em easier to spot."
Foreman, Just agitating the pancreas can cause clotting. And you want to do it to a guy whose pRoblem is clotting?
House," If I'm right about pancreatic cancer, the only chance he's got is finding and removing those cancer cells now."
Thirteen," His brain MRI showed narrowing in the blood vessels leading up from the neck. If we do shake something loose, we could kill him."
Taub, Or one of him. Clot in his brain could kill one of them without affecting the other.
Foreman, He might actually be okay with that.
Foreman, How long's it gonna take?
Chase, Assuming he doesn't crash! a few minutes.
Foreman, Hey. You and Cameron. I'm sorry.
Chase, I'll be right back.
Cameron, I don't wanna be homeless.
Chase, Okay. You can stay in the condo. I'll find some other ÔøΩ
Cameron, That's not what I mean. I wanna marry you. I got the forms to destroy the sperm.
Chase, You sure?
Cameron, Yeah.
Chase, I wanna hug you but then I'd have to rescrub.
Cameron, I know.
Foreman, [yelling from OR] BP's dropping.
Cameron, Go.
Foreman, No sign of cancer. BP's 90 over 60.
Wilson, You nEver answered my question.
House, Relax. Our friendship is not doomed.
Wilson, Thank God. But my question was do you really want Cuddy or is this just another challenge?
House," You're worried that once I'm in a relationship, you and me'll be over."
Wilson," Hey, I'm actually for this. I think this is great. But if you're serious and you don't treat it seriously, then you will get hurt. And, if you don't accept that, then accept that she will get hurt."
Stripper, I was told it was your birthday.
Cuddy, I understand.
Stripper," I'm so, so sorry."
Cuddy, I know.
Stripper, Clearly there was a mix-up.
Cuddy, Have a nice day.
House, She look angry?
Wilson, If you're standing there when she looks up here ÔøΩ
House," Oh, no."
Foreman, Systolic's 80.
Chase, Gotta finish this suture before I can get out.
Foreman, Give him a dopamine drip.
House," [on the speaker, from the observation deck] You weren't looking up at the right time."
Foreman, Get to your point. We're a little busy here.
House, The clots aren't from cancer. They're coming from his heart.
Foreman, We echoed the heart. No clots.
House, Not while we were looking. Didn't I open with that? The clots were caused by an arrhythmia.
Chase, No arrhythmia.
House," Not while we were looking! [He bangs on the glass of the observation deck.] Intermittent arrhythmia. This guy pulls our equipment off at the slightest provocation. We'd have to be watParkng at the exact moment it happened. Which I'm guessing from the way you two are scrambling around like idiots, is right now. [Chase glances up.] Yes. I'm saying do a transesophageal echo."
Foreman, [to Chase] We have to get his BP stable.
House, Absolutely. Right after the echo.
Foreman, Systolic's 70.
House, The heart looked healthy at the last echo and an arrhythmia wouldn't cause clots in a healthy ventricle. So start with the left atrial appendage.
Chase, Wow.
House, Yep. I did it again. Now get this poor guy's BP under control and seal off the appendage. Then all we have to do is find out what damaged his heart before it goes after something he really needs.
House, So what damages a healthy 20-year-old heart enough to make it send out clots like it's bombing Dresden?
Thirteen, Rhabdo?
Taub," Would have fried his kidneys, too. What about Graves?"
Foreman, Thyroid function tests were normal.
Thirteen, Cushing's. Cortisol overproduction could interfere with heart rhythm.
House, Run a dexamethasone suppression test.
Scott, Annie.
Annie, You hit me.
Scott, I know. I'm so sorry but! It wasn't me.
Annie, I know you would nEver have done that if you were in control of yourself but!
Scott, But you came back.
Annie," To talk with your doctors. I've been going over and over what happened and I had this thought out of nowhere. Ever since I've known Scott I've seen his left hand throw things but always sort of playfully, thinking it's fun. But when he threw this! [She picks up his can of deodorant] it was angry. And that's when his hand slapped me, too ÔøΩ when I brought it to him. Could it mean something?"
Taub, Deodorant shouldn't! How often do you use it?
Scott," Uh, a few times a day. It's special heavy-duty stuff. I have to send away for it."
Thirteen, Sprayed around a bathroom the size of a shoebox.
Taub, I'll check the ingrEdients from the Manufacturer.
Thirteen, I'll check for any references associated with health issues.
Taub, Somebody's grateful.
Thirteen, We'll just leave the! three of you alone.
House, Why is there no lipstick on this cup? Cuddy was wearing lipstick when she drank from it. It was on my face. Why isn't it on the cup?
Wilson, Why is it always reasonable in Houseland to take an emotional pRoblem and sidestep it by turning it into a mechanical pRoblem?
House," Because in Houseland, and the rest of the universe, by the way, when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer."
Wilson," If the left brain is the interpreter of reality and the one that tells us the story of who we are, then what is your story? Do you wanna be the Man with the answers, or do you wanna be the Man with Cuddy?"
House, What do I do?
Wilson, You make her angry.
House, You really think that was the best time to mock me?
Wilson," I'm as surprised as you, but I think I'm serious. Communication can't start unless you both ÔøΩ"
House, I've been trying to make her angry for ÔøΩ
Wilson," No, you haven't. Come on! Poo? Strippers? It's routine stuff. You've been pulling your punches. You're scared. You should be. [House thinks then stands up.] Now go terrorize her."
Chase," You don't wanna destroy it, do you?"
Cameron, I said I was gonna do it. I'll do it.
Chase, But you don't want to.
Cameron," I want to be with you. Maybe I'm not comfortable with it, but ÔøΩ"
Chase, Let's say it's our fifth anniversary. Are you ready to destroy it now? Tenth. Three kids. They spend their summers in Melbourne and have annoying accents. It's disgusting how happy we are. You ready now? You don't have doubts. You just don't wanna kill the only thing left of someone you loved. [Cameron's face crumbles as she starts to cry. Chase hugs her while she cries on his shoulder.] Don't do it.
Cameron," I do have trouble giving things up. For example, I nEver canceled any of our wedding plans. [They both laugh.]"
House," Attention! I have an announcement. As you go about your day, I would like you to be aware of the fact that I slept with Cuddy."
Cuddy," This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image. I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me ÔøΩ no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House. I am angry."
House, I was wondering if we should move in together.
Cuddy," [laughs, humorlessly] You're fired. [She leaves.]"
Eugene, I wouldn't worry about it. I think she likes you. [He's in the doorway to House's office.]
House," If I'm fired, I think that pRobably means I don't have to see Patients. [He starts to walk away.]"
Eugene, I'm here as a squeaky wheel. I know how you doctors are. You're busy. You get distracted. My lab results could be sitting in your in-box.
House, I don't need your labs. You have acid reflux.
Eugene, Well how could you!
House," Acid splashes on the vocal chords, they tense, make that squawking sound. It's completely harmless. I'm gonna give you a prescription and you are gonna go away."
Eugene, You are a great doctor.
House, Why'd you move your belt?
Eugene, I always move my belt. Makes me sore.
House, You didn't tell me that.
Eugene," At 86, what isn't sore? Soreness is less important than squawking. It's the squawking that was bothering my wife. [House palpates Eugene's abdomen. He grunts.]"
House, That's not a potbelly. It's a tumor. That's why pancreatic cancer was on my mind. My brain was trying to tell me!
Eugene, This isn't sounding good. Pancreatic cancer?
House, It can cause acid reflux. We should scope you.
Eugene," So it's not good. Even for cancer, it's not good."
House, No it's not. [The elevator doors open and Taub comes out.]
Taub," The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore dEvelop a heart condition and, get this, seizures. Our Patient may nEver have needed split-brain surgery."
House, I'm sure he will half-appreciate the irony. Take this Man to radiology. Pancreatic scan. And stay with him. [He gets on the elevator.]
Eugene, Eugene Schwartz. [He shakes hands with Taub.]
Cuddy," WhatEver it is, just say it quickly."
House, Do you have more than one lipstick in the same shade? Maybe one that has a sealing agent and one that doesn't?
Cuddy, How could that possibly be relevant to anything?
House, You really don't think you're just! overreacting to the other night?
Cuddy," Fine. I am overreacting. You've said plenty of lousy things to me before. But reaParkng the final straw has been a good thing because it made me realize we not only don't have a personal relationship, we nEver could."
House, [clearly confused] Wha! You! You're! You've been overreacting to something I said?
Cuddy, You insulted me. I walked out. It's nothing that hasn't happened a hundred times before.
House, I quit.
Cuddy, Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30 so your week off ÔøΩ
House, You can go suckle the little bastard Parkld who makes you feel good about yourself.
Cuddy, Screw you.
House," [blinking and trying to clear his head] No, no. That ÔøΩ that's not what happened. I told you that I needed you. You ÔøΩ You helped me."
Cuddy, Are you okay?
Amber, So! This is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one.
Kutner, Too bad it isn't true.
House, [shakily as Cuddy touches his cheek] No. I'm not okay.
[Quick cuts,]