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enviarScript(`
CLICK
Written by Steve Koren & Mark O'Keefe
What was going on there, huh?
We thought
you were sleeping, Daddy.
How can I sleep with two
Twinkie burglars roaming around?
Can we watch
Dragon Tales, please?
Yeah. Why not, why not?
Which one of these
turns on the TV?
Honey, I think you
just opened the garage.
I'm just planning ahead. I know.
- P-yew! Was that a stinky-dink bug?
- Good job.
Whatever happened
to the good old days...
...when you pulled the knob
and on came the boob tube?
The O'Doyles got
a universal remote control.
One clicker controls everything.
Makes life a lot easier
for old people like you.
Well, whoop-de-do
for the O'Doyles.
- Tree house?
I don't know. Ask your father.
Ask me what?
Do you think you'll have time
to finish building the tree house ever?
Yeah, Dad. It's kind of been
halfway done for two months now.
All right. I want to, it's just I got a lot
of things going on at work right now.
But as soon as I'm done, I'm on it.
I promise. Hang in there.
Hey, look at Sundance
wrestle his duck.
Oh, no, that's not wrestling.
That's something you shouldn't
know about for another 10 to 30 years.
Ten for you. Thirty for you.
Hey, Michael? I'll see you tonight
at the swim meet?
Swim meet.
- I gotta go to that?
- Yes.
- I'm kidding you. I'll be there. Okay?
- All right. I love you, Michael.
Forever and ever, babe.
Mr. Newman.
Kevin O'Doyle.
Yeah. Always a pleasure.
What kind of stereo you got
in that blue piece of ♥♥♥♥?
You know what?
I never checked, Kevin.
Yeah, well, my father's stereo
is a Bose.
Your father's stereo blows?
That's too bad.
No! I said... That's not what I said!
His father's stereo blows!
Come on! Pay the man, let's go!
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Hello.
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Hi.
Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Man, Alice...
...I was stuck in traffic for an hour
and a half. When's the meeting?
- It started already.
- What?
Can I go to the bathroom?
Go to the bathroom.
I told you, you don't have to ask me.
Well, the interesting thing,
Prince Habeeboo...
...is that the building codes
in Manhattan will allow us...
- Michael.
- Sorry I'm late, sir.
Some moron in a red Lamborghini
parked in my spot so...
Prince Habeeboo
drive red Lamborghini.
Red Lamborghini?
I meant blue Ferrari.
Is this one of your partners?
Actually, Michael
is just an associate.
But he is one of our brightest
young architects.
Thank you.
Walk His Majesty
through our design concept.
With pleasure.
- Prince Haboobee...
- Habeeboo!
Prince Habeeboo.
Habeeboo. I thought I said that.
When Mr. Ammer explained to me
the type of man you are...
...a visionary who prides himself
on originality...
...I said to myself, " Let's smash
the mould and redefine elegance."
So I present to you your restaurant.
Where is...? Where's bar?
Bar is... Here's the bar.
Now, the waterfall...
Make bar longer.
Okay. We could cut
into the atrium a little bit.
No atrium. Just make bar longer
for Prince Habeeboo.
Really?
- Still itchy?
- You got it.
And put big drain in floor
for wet T-shirt contest.
Now, you're kidding me, right?
Boob water's gotta
go someplace, Michael.
Let's just take out the atrium and
run with that and there's your drain.
- God.
- I love it. It is simply awesome.
Yeah. Basically you want me to design
you an Arabian hoochie house?
How dare you compare
Prince Habeeboo's Bikini Hut...
...to this hoochie house?
- This idea's...
...got nothing to do
with hoochies, Michael.
It's like opposite of hoochie.
No disrespect,
Prince Hubbida Hubbida.
- Hubba Bubba.
- Habeeboo!
Habeeboo!
Hubba Bubba is chewing gum.
Prince Habeeboo's
not chewing gum.
Prince Habeeboo, we will...
I will make this happen.
John Ammer's office.
I hope that atrium idea didn't take
too long to configure, Michael.
Oh, there'll be other Junes
in my life, sir.
See that parking garage
over there on 56?
Watsuhita wants to knock it down
and build a luxury hotel.
- You got the commission?
- Not yet.
I just need someone to come up
with a design proposal. Intrigued?
Hell, yes.
I'm Fourth of July-ing with the kids.
When I get back, I'm all over it.
Great. Have a great Fourth of July
with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it.
No, no. Absolutely not.
L... l... Can't it just wait three days?
These guys are Japanese.
They can't wait for their fish to cook.
I guess I could talk to my wife.
Great. See you later at happy hour
with Prince Habadabee.
My son has a swim meet tonight
that I have to get to s...
I'm just messing with you.
We're good.
Yeah, Ben!
That's my boy! That's my boy!
Kid, you were great!
You're not my dad.
- As far as you know.
- What?
I was just joking.
Is he really my dad?
Come on, come on! Yes, Ben.
Yes, you did it!
Honey, you were so great.
Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin
or something? That was incredible.
You just got here, Dad. I saw you.
What do you mean I just got here?
Why are you saying that?
I saw you. You jumped in there,
you swam here.
- Then what stroke was he doing, Dad?
- He was doing the shut-up.
Hey. Good thing is,
Daddy was here to see you finish.
He didn't see me finish.
He was hanging out
with Ping Woo for some reason.
- Yeah, what was that about, huh?
- The kid was drowning.
I'm gonna let him drown?
Nobody goes drowning in my pool.
How you doing? Bill Herlihy.
Ben's coach. You must be Dad.
Michael Speedo...
Michael Newman. Sorry.
Big Ben, that was great progress
out there, huh?
Just remember, right arm out,
head turns left. Left arm out...
Head turns right. I know.
I just forgot at the end.
Well, that's all right.
You master that, people are gonna
think you're half a dolphin out there.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Cute.
Hello? Mr. Ammer.
Ben, honey, slow down.
It's not a race.
That's his second one
in five minutes.
Keeps eating more and more.
He's like a machine.
He can't still be hungry.
He's not. He's just doing whatever
Michael's doing. It's driving me crazy.
Everything Michael's been doing lately
is very unhealthy for him.
He's gonna kill himself.
Like a signature building
we're talking about.
Oh, my God.
Scared the crap out of me.
Dad, how much longer
are you gonna live?
- One minute.
- One minute?
- Daddy's gonna die in one minute!
- Oh, no, honey.
Don't worry. I'm not dying.
I'm gonna live for 200 years.
Is that long enough for you and me?
- Promise?
- I promise. Swear. Come here.
You ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!
Hey! There are families here!
Show some respect,
you pieces of ♥♥♥♥!
Go home and watch VH1, old man.
Don't light another damn one!
Benjamin. Benjamin.
What am I holding?
A quarter. Now, Grandma
does not let me eat ice cream...
...because of my diabetes.
- True.
But she says nothing, however,
about a tasty quarter.
Okay.
All right. All right.
Very quickly, please, count to three
because it tastes terrible.
One, two, three.
Are you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ me?
First he's eating like his father,
now you're talking like him?
- Ben.
- Don't you ever say that again.
- Sorry, Grandma.
- How do you do that, Grandpa?
A good magician
never reveals his secrets.
Your daddy has wanted to know
how I've done that trick...
...since he was your age.
Isn't that true, son?
Hey, Michael.
Michael, who are you talking to?
Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma.
Take it easy.
Oh, yeah?
Well, tell him to get a life.
You got family here.
You're busy. Come on.
My mother says hello.
Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he?
On his big cell phone. Big boy.
That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you,
Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night.
- Are you done? Can we relax now?
- Sorry.
Eat me, grandpa!
You're dead.
- Oh, ♥♥♥♥!
- Yeah, you better run!
I kicked your father's ass
in high school!
Now I'm gonna kick yours!
I hate that man.
Okay, good night, you two cowboys.
- Reach for the sky, Pocahontas.
- No, back to bed.
Script Part 2
Come on. Pocahontas is off duty.
I'm out of here.
You getting sick, sheriff?
I don't got time to be sick, so no.
I need to watch this documentary
on Asian architecture.
Well, you gotta get some rest
sometime, sweetheart.
Besides, the woodland creatures
will laugh at you...
...if you collapse trying
to put up the tent this weekend.
Yeah. I forgot to tell you.
We gotta postpone
the camping trip.
Ammer put me on a project.
It's due Tuesday. If I don't finish,
I'm off it, so...
The kids have been talking
about camping all year.
Think I don't know that?
It's just every choice I make,
everything I do...
...I disappoint somebody.
Make sure you don't keep
disappointing the wrong people.
I'm not out drinking or gambling
or hitting on chicks.
I'm working my ass off
so my family can have a better life...
...than I dreamed of
when I was a kid.
The only way for that to happen
is for me to watch this stinking show!
So relax, hon.
Are you kidding me?
Will you give me a break one time?
Damn it! The O'Doyles got
a stinking universal remote control.
We're gonna have one too.
I'm sick of this.
You want me to open
the garage for you?
Closed.
Closed.
Open.
Bed Bath & Beyond it is.
Hey, man?
You guys got any universal
remote controls in there?
- For a shower curtain or a bathmat?
- For a television.
I don't think so.
Maybe for a blanket?
You got a remote for a blanket?
Sorry, I don't work here.
I'm waiting for my friends.
You're kidding me.
Actually, yes. I don't have any friends.
Will you be my friend?
Wow, man.
Bed. Bed.
Bath. Bath.
Bed.
So tired of my life.
Beyond?
Sorry to sneak up on you. I just...
You guys got a universal
remote control back here?
Something stinks
like stale french fries.
All right, that's probably me.
You know, fast food
shortens your life.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
But the way my life's been going
lately, that ain't such a bad thing.
You're looking
for a universal remote control?
Yeah. Just one device
to do it all for me...
...make my life a little easier,
quicker, not so damn complicated.
I'm not supposed to do this,
but you seem like a good guy.
Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you.
I'm gonna show you a remote
we just got in...
...that's probably the most advanced
piece of technology...
...we have in this place.
- Sounds sweet.
- It is sweet.
The latest, greatest universal remote
not even on the market yet.
I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite
my advanced-technological ass then.
I don't know the O'Doyles...
...but they can bite it hard.
Yeah.
Come in the back with me.
Okay.
This is... This is very nice of you.
- What's your name, anyways?
- Call me Morty.
Morty, I'm Michael Newman.
Michael Newman.
I'm about to rock your world.
Okay.
I gotta be honest with you. This place
looks bigger from the outside.
Just kidding.
Hey, hey.
I think maybe there in the middle?
Sneaky.
Where's the box?
Does it come with directions?
Not necessary.
Just point, click.
Eventually, it will program itself.
How much is this thing?
Because I ain't exactly
Thurston Howell, you know?
Lucky for you, it's not
in the bar-code system yet.
So I'm gonna have
to just give it to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the catch here, man?
Want me to take my shirt off for you?
Because I don't play for that team.
Hey. Man, get out of here.
Why are you doing this, then?
Because good guys need a break
every once in a while.
Take it.
Enjoy.
All right.
Only one thing
you need to know, Michael.
This item is nonreturnable.
Why would I wanna return something
I got for free?
Twinkie. You don't need it.
You don't need it, man.
You do need a Yodel, though.
Okay. Good job.
Let's see what you got, mate.
Look at me, turning my own TV on.
I'm a freaking whiz kid.
- Residential architecture...
- So I talked to the kids.
- Oh, yeah?
They're very understanding about
not going camping this weekend.
- Great.
- They could have a sleepover instead.
That's a great idea.
Thank you, thank you.
Thanks for being
so cool about this too.
- Can I ask you something?
- Yes.
After you do all this work and become
a big player at your company...
...do you think you're gonna
have more time for us...
...or are things just gonna get
even more out of control?
Wait. When I get to that place
and become a boss...
...a millionaire, a big shot,
the first thing I'm gonna do...
...is hire a bunch of idiots just like me
to do all my work.
So then you, me and the kids
can do whatever the hell we want.
You just gotta give me some time.
Don't give me that look.
I'm just saying, give me some support.
All right?
I love you. Go to sleep.
- Just think about it, Michael.
- Absolutely.
And stop with the Yodels.
- You're gonna wake up 400 pounds.
- Okay.
Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude.
Everybody's sleeping.
You gotta poop again?
Why don't you do the humpy-pumpy
on the duck, okay?
Will you just hold it in for five minutes
and keep the freaking volume down?
I guess when you combine...
...mass quantities of cough syrup
with Yodels...
...you get acid.
Go.
Hey, you said you gotta go.
Go already, man.
Sniffy Longdroppings, today.
Holy motherfu...!
Yeah, I mean, you're right.
In the short run...
...plastic surgery is a hassle.
But six months later...
...l'm gonna have a face
and a body...
...that's gonna get me to places
where I wanna be.
Oh, my mother, typical,
you know, she says:
"Oh, this procedure is too risky."
If Samantha wanted her cheekbones
shaved down, I think I'd freak out too.
I know, but I just think, you know,
they're too Slavic.
You should get some work done.
Then maybe Michael
will wanna hang out with you too.
Morning, Michael.
You're looking very crappy today.
Morning, Janine,
you're looking very Slavic.
You're just jealous because Donna
and I are going to the gym...
...and all the guys
are gonna be hitting on us.
Michael knows
he's my one and only.
Forever and ever, babe.
Sorry about last night.
And I love you. I'm s...
Oh, my God. I want that so bad.
A husband that I can kiss and love
and give juice to.
You've already cheated on three
different husbands with their brothers.
I think you've given enough juice
to everybody.
Love juice.
You know way too much about me.
I should never have done
that Montel Williams show.
Even Montel Williams
thinks you're crazy...
...and he's seen a lot of ♥♥♥♥.
I was desperate for companionship!
All of my husbands...
All of them
have emotionally abandoned me.
They went to work. You had sex
with their unemployed brothers.
- You're a horndog.
- Michael.
- Okay, sweetie. Calm it down.
- No, no!
I have had self-esteem issues
since I was a kid.
I had a rabbit named Pepper.
And that rabbit abandoned me too!
Even the rabbit did! Even the rabb...
Don't look at me!
- What's wrong with me?
- Bunny rabbit, bunny...
Here's the pitch to Matsui.
A deep drive.
Oh, my, it's out of here!
A two-run shot into the right-field
seats for Hideki Matsui.
I'm sorry. What was that?
She has so many problems.
Why do you have to be so mean?
I don't know, l... Hello.
I gotta go.
Yeah, good RoboDog.
And he can bark
in over six different languages.
It's so cool.
Yeah, it's much cooler
than your stupid, human dog.
Hey, Dad, see Kevin's
new robot dog?
Yeah, yeah. Very nice.
"Very nice"? This thing
is worth more than your car.
- Not anymore it ain't.
- RoboDog!
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay. Is this some sort
of reality show? Are you the host?
Morty? Where are the cameras?
Got everybody in on it, huh?
Sundance did very well also.
All right, America! Have your laugh!
I'm an idiot!
Donna, I'm gonna get you!
Fast-forward.
Nobody's laughing at you, Michael.
You wanted a universal remote control
that remote-controls your universe.
Yeah, but what controls
my dance skills?
Oh, Morty likes it too.
Michael, just hit menu.
On the remote?
No, the menu at the Red Lobster.
Yes, on the remote.
Where are we?
- Go, Michael, go!
- One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.
- What have I got here?
- Two, three.
Cough syrup's kicking in again.
- We have a boy!
- Is it gonna work?
What is this?
- All right, I love you, Michael.
- Your life menu.
My life has a commentary?
Script Part 3
It's chock-full of goodies.
- Click it.
- Click it.
This is last Tuesday.
Michael was eagerly awaiting
the arrival of his lunch order.
Who's that, James Earl Jones?
James Earl
does a lot of voice-over work.
But his anticipation
quickly turned to dismay...
... as he realized Alice
had brought him a cheeseburger...
... instead of a hamburger
as he requested.
A cheeseburger?
I said a hamburger.
She always does this to me.
Michael considered demanding
that Alice scrape the cheese off...
... but decided not to,
fearing that Alice may spit in...
... or otherwise defile
the burger in some manner.
A wise decision...
... for that was exactly
what Alice was planning to do.
- Are you kidding me?
- Sneaky.
My God.
What else we got here?
- "Making of"?
- Just click.
Hey, hey, psychedelic.
Where are we?
Is this a porno or something?
Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy!
Is that my parents?
They're making you.
Like bunny rabbits.
- That's the spot.
- Smack my heinie!
Change the channel!
How do you do this?
I can't see.
What happened? What...?
The floor is so mushy and slippery.
Feels good on my feet.
Check it out.
You hit the fast-forward button.
I believe we're sometime
after your conception.
Okay, very good, Mrs. Newman.
No! We're in my mother's vagina?
Again. And push.
- It's a girl.
- It's a girl!
- Oh, it's a girl. Thank you so much.
- Thank you for that.
Wait a minute.
I'm sorry, it might be a boy.
What do you mean, "might be"?
What is that?
Maybe that's a penis.
Maybe that's a pe...? That's a penis.
That's my penis.
Can I see that?
Can you bring that a little closer?
See?
- That's a tiny schmeckel.
- Yeah?
- We have a boy!
- We have a boy!
Your mother must have
some superpower eyesight...
...because I didn't see anything.
Let's get out of here.
So if you think about it...
...I can reexperience
any part of my life I want to.
It's amazing.
What happened?
Oh, God, what did I do?
Hello? How do I get you
back here, pal?
Gotcha.
I'm not freaked out enough?
It's simple. Think of a time
and a place...
...hit rewind, and you're there.
Time and a place. Time and a place.
Oh, my God. Lake Winnipesaukee.
That's me in the Jets shirt.
Go, little me, go!
Good hands! Nice hands.
Michael!
Michael, dinner's almost ready.
Invite your friends if you want to.
So any of you wanna come
by my tent for some supper?
Or we could eat at my Winnebago
and watch Three's Company.
Three's Company.
That's humiliating.
Mom, why can't we camp in an RV
like every other family?
Oh, come on.
You call that camping?
How can you get close to nature
in a tin can like that?
Plus, it's more fun to have
to keep each other warm at night.
Don't you know it.
- No cupcakes yet.
- But I'm starving.
I agree with you, Michael.
You know how hungry I am?
I am so hungry, I could eat this.
Oh, this is where
the quarter trick started.
How the heck did he do that?
Oh, it's a trick coin
you buy at a magic shop.
I just couldn't let him know
I knew that.
That's sweet.
Now, I gotta get back to work,
so hit play.
It's a very powerful device.
Use it with caution.
Okay.
Who are you?
You know who I am.
Morty?
If you have any questions...
...call me.
No, Linda, I think Stacy gets
the most-beautiful-feet award.
You wanted to see me?
Michael. Look, I'm heading out to
the Hamptons in a couple of minutes.
I'm counting on you.
This hotel project? It's a big fish.
You reel it in for me
and it's "Howdy, partner."
Okay. Thank you.
Screw it up, though, and it's
"Back to the mailroom, atrium boy."
Mr. Ammer, Denise just called.
She's gotta go to rehab again,
so she can't mak e it to the Hamptons.
I'm gonna be alone
on the Fourth of July?
Mr. Ammer, if you need female
companionship this weekend...
...my wife's friend Janine, wow.
Really? What's she like?
Let's just say
she will eat you up, sir.
Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt...
...but this is kind of important.
- Okay.
- Go to the bathroom.
- Okay.
Dude! You suck so bad.
Do not. Hey, Dad.
How you doing, buddy?
Playing some catch?
Actually, we're playing some drop,
because Ben hasn't caught one yet.
Darn it.
You're a regular Derek Jeter
yourself, O'Doyle.
- Love you, kid.
- Love you too, Dad.
Mommy!
No, I know. Well, I thought
she should've gotten voted off.
But did you see her Kate Spade
handbag? It was gorgeous.
Wait, hold on a second, Trudy.
I gotta say hi to your son.
- I told your parents to come for dinner.
- Really? That sounds good.
It'd be fun for them to be here
for the sleepover.
Okay, so great. Yeah.
We'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye-bye.
It's not gonna kill you to eat dinner
with your family, sweetie.
I know, I just gotta build
an entire model tonight.
- I'm the leader!
- No, I'm the leader!
Go say hi to Daddy. Go on.
I can't take a whole night of this.
- And I'm not going to.
- Q, R, S, T, U...
Cool.
I can skip chapters.
What a family.
All right, let's get dinner
over with. Next.
Next.
Everyone's done but you, buddy.
Let's go.
Will you stop already?
Oh, boy, Dad's quarter trick.
I can't wait not to see it.
Alone in my basement at last.
Should I do my work
and become partner now? I think so.
Let's get to it.
- Michael?
- Yo.
We don't wanna interrupt.
We're taking off.
Thanks for a great night.
You had a fun time
hanging out with me?
That was... We did good, right?
- Good night, honey.
- Love you.
My schmeckel got bigger now that
I'm older, just so you guys know that.
It couldn't have gotten any smaller.
Yeah, yeah.
It looked like a little Tic Tac.
Yeah, come here,
I'll freshen your breath.
- Bye, you guys.
- Bye, sweetie.
Good night, sweetie.
Great dinner, honey.
See? Was that so bad?
Kidding me? I had fun.
Good for you. Can you watch the gang
for 10 minutes while I clean up?
Can't you? I just...
I got so much stuff to do here.
Oh, you got stuff to do?
I got ghost stories, charades,
the dishes...
...and then I gotta sew the duck's head
back on for Sundance...
...and fix his butthole.
Way to go, champ.
I wish I had time to do all that stuff.
Give me a break, Michael.
You're a big boy.
You set your own priorities.
I'm asking for 10 minutes,
not for, like, a whole day.
You don't have to do that much.
How big a deal is that?
I am so tired of having this argument.
I skipped the whole fight.
Babe?
- I can't sleep.
- You can't?
I feel bad that we keep arguing.
I know. Don't be upset, okay?
- I was a jerk.
- You are a jerk.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Yes. That smells good.
- What?
Michael. Stop it.
The sleepover will catch us.
They ain't gonna hear us. Come on.
Okay. Quietly try
and coax me into it.
I gotta get back to work.
Can't we just do it?
No, we can't just do it.
Honey, come on.
I mean, I don't have any new moves
for you. It's the same stuff.
Just think of last time and use that.
I like the old moves. Come on.
All right.
This time you be Sundance,
I'll be the duck.
- Yeah?
- But you gotta massage me first.
Great, I love giving massages.
Massaging away here.
Oh, that feels good.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We did it?
- Well, you did.
I didn't want the whole thing
to go that fast.
I don't think anybody did.
Yeah. I'll get you next time.
Thanks.
So we good for tomorrow?
What are you talking about?
At dinner.
You said we'd go to lunch tomorrow
and pick out your dad's birthday gift.
Dad's gift is...
- Of course. I said so, so I'll be there.
- Okay.
- Need another massage or anything?
- Oh, go away.
I gotta go work.
Hey, Morty. It's Michael Newman.
Yeah, can I talk to you for a minute?
Hang on for a second,
someone's at my door.
- Hello, Michael.
- Where'd you come from?
You don't wanna know.
- Can we take a walk?
- Sure.
It's simple. You must
have been on autopilot.
Autopilot?
That's what happens to you
when you fast-forward.
- Okay.
- Yeah. I'll show you.
Here.
See? That's you on autopilot.
The lights are on
but nobody's home.
The remote lets your mind
skip around...
...but your body actually stays put