michaelTotal

All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.
[on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done.
I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for...  forever. Right, Pam?
If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls]
Any messages?
Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.
It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.
Whassup!
Whassup!
Whass...up!
[Strains, grunts] What?
OK. All right. See you later.
Back to work.
Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello.  I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.
Um... Me no get an agenda.
I didn't get any agenda.
Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning?
Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.
Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.
OK...
No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.
All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
OK. No problem.
Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?
 Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Oh, that's not appropriate.
Uh, I don't know what you mean.
Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.
No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that.
Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Hey.
Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.
Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German]
Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect]
Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.
I'm sorry?
 If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs]
I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.
People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.
Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.
You don't know what it is. [Laughs]
I don't need your permission. 
Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.
Not gonna happen.
It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.
No.
 Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.
I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.
Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.
Introduce yourself. Be polite. 
Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
That's his profit.
OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
What is that?
No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.
 And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
[Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.
So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?
You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?
Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...
Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Post-it Notes.
50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know,  you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Yeah. I am.
But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
[Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.
 I don't know about that.
What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
[holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.
Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for...  forever. Right, Pam?
Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.
Messages?
Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly?
Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.
Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs]
All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.
So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.
What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.
What's that?
Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.
Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?
Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.
Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello.
I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.
Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?
Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.
Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.
Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man? 
Did you have a good weekend going there?
Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar---
 Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!
Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?
It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.
Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!
You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Exactly, were not...
With tolerance.
Ignorance.
Let's celebrate.
Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?
You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Yes.
OK.
Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.
OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...
Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.
How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?
I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.
OK, I will play guy listening.
OK.
Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.
OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... [As Chris Rock] Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... [Bleep] I take care of my kid!
[Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!
[As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie?
[Clears throat] I don't think I can sign this.
Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?
Sure.
Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.
OK, well I know. You told me that several times.
OK.
Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.
 I won't.
Yeah, yeah.
"I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [Laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that.
"I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.
All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.
Get out.
No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.
[on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...
Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
Two fifteenths.
Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.
Oh, yeah...
Wow.
Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?
Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Well, it has certain connotations.
Like... I don't... I don't know.
No. Now, remember that honesty...
...empathy, respect... [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim!
I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.
Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...
Oh this is a good one.
Push it.
Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.
Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.
You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.
OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.
[Voice raised, Indian accent] Kelly, how are you?
Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!]
[trying not to cry] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.
I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.
Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
What?
That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.
Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour.
No, the country.
Yeah, more like a 1,000.
I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind...
Expectations....
Thank you. Sharing...
And tolerance.
Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word.
I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally...
No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.
Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.
Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside?
Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.
"In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it.
Are we going?  [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready.
[mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again.
Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one.
Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one.
Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God.
Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
[wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out.
Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.
Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]
Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?
Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it.
Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?
What, huh?
It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.
Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Lay them on me. What?
That's not what you said earlier.
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.
I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
You gotta crack these things open.
Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
There, there...
[scoffs] When have you ever done that?
Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.
There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Yeah!
Really?
Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Nope, you cannot use it.
Temporary workspace. You can use it.
If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
[on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?
Ah, what? Which memo?
Is it a good plan?
Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?
OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... love him.
You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. [Giggles] Couldn't find the knob.
So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
[on his cell phone] Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
So it's not a free fall?
Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?
OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway? 
Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! [laughs] Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.
Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
There you go.
Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it.
[under his breath] Oh, Christ.
Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?
Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? [looks at watch] Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday.
Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?
All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!
When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
[clapping hands] God, yeah... Ah! This...
Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.
Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door.
Yeah, no... [hurries to get up from chair]
You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go.
 Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So...
[on his cell phone] Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. [silence] Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper.
No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride.
Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop.
So it's not a free fall?
Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something?
That's it?
Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much.
I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] "That's Good morning, Vietnam!" Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, "Oh you're... God your butt is fat." And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No.
We're all going bowling!
Oh! God. Dwight, come on...
There's no downsizing.
Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.
It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] "You're foir-ed."  I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...
Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Next person on the...
...calendar.
Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
[grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.
These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?
[to the camera] Can you get her? She's right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." [pretends to vomit and laughs]
[staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
What?
Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.
Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...
[looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
[laughs] Which one is that again?
Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.
Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.
It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Find a key.
And many more!
You were surprised, weren't you?
You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Come on. A little bit.
Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.
Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Is Oscar around?
I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
I know...
Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
How many miles did he do last year?
Son of a bitch. That is impressive.
Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
[under his breath] I don't know about that.
[pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer.
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
[laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..."
Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
"She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers?  I think we could have done better than that.
OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.
Per mile, yes.
When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
A check for the kids, and for the team. 
I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott."  "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."
Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don't cash that till Friday, OK?
All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?" [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, "Oh, oh-hum." A beautiful sunset, "No, I'll catch the next one." Right? Unicorn walks into the office, "Oh, do you have an appointment?" [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.
Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile.
Okay. [waits for call]
I know, somebody will. And we'll wait.
I know, I know, we will wait.
We will wait for the call and you will smile.  Let me try something, just while we're waiting.
Tell me if I'm smiling or not. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?
Okay, let me try this one. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you?
I mean you can tell.
I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too.
Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile.
Show time! It's show time!
Okay.
Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, [knock on  door] there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin.
No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so...
I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on.  Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out. 
That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin.
Hey.
Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Which one is that again?
Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
[sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?
Help me out here.
No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.
What?
There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. [Dwight leaves] Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in.
Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha.
I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. [makes fart noise] Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we  bumped into each and you said, "Brr, brr." And I went, "Argh, Argh." You know? Anything? [shakes her head 'no'] Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy.
Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay.
No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions.
No, hey  it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair. 
Thank you.
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
[laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um..."Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Divorce. Um... Okay, "Meredith is so old..."
If everybody... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
"She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
[clears throat] What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary.
Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. [laughs] We just picked the best one right? Just had it.
Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there.
[to Jim]: Hey, you ready?
All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent. 
Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea.  Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun."  And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.
Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
[to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game...
[to Dwight] I vouched for you.
I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight.  All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Yes it is. Assistant to  the regional manager.
No, it's not. It's lower, so... 
All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
[laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job!  Rapport!
So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]
All right, see you at one.
Are we ready for the game?
I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Uh, [in a nerdy voice] "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."
OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Um, what do you play? Center?
Uh...
Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.
[ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Yes.
Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
No.
No, no, ridiculous.
Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Sorry Phyllis.
No, I'm team captain.
No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
No.
Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Threat neutralized.
[hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard!
Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Oh, yeah right.
Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.
Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
What?
OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up.
[to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.
Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go!  OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke.  OK, let's do it.
All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
OK.
OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys.
Aw, come on Dwight.
On. Just put it on.
Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?
Stanley!  What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket]
[misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go.
[Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.
OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK.
When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone.
[misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?!
Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.
Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa!
That is cool. Is that like the Robot?
[Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump]
Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!
You know what? Dwight, Dwight...
Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...
[singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter...
All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.
Shoot, shoot it.  [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression!  Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up.
[Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?
[Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes!
[Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys!
Dwight!
[Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?
Yeah, baby, here we go!
[Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it!
Foul! Foul!
Oh, that hurts.
What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
[mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Thanks Dwight.
Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Hey, hey...
[laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.
Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.
Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.
The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.
[slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing.
Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target.
Uh...
Yes, yes. Assistant to  the regional manager.
No, it's not. It's lower.
What was that?
That look?
Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God.
So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night?
[howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on fire!
Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me beat by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth]
No, neither am I. We both look good.
Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes shooting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes shooting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister.
Packer. Pac-man.
Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots]
I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist.
Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]
It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry.
[clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game.
Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard.
No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man. 
[misses a  free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures.
You know what. I think most basketball movies are great movies. Because it's a great subject. There's one about a little kid who, um, joins a professional basketball team and he's really, really good and he can dunk and he's like 3 feet tall. And he can dunk the ball. That, oh, I love that movie. That movie kind of, that movie makes me cry. I don't like to cry on camera, but that movie makes me cry. Um, because it touches a cord in me about hoops. [Michael's free throw is really short] Short, short, short! And basketball is like jazz, you know. To like pertipify it there's a jazz musician, a guy, you know... if you know jazz you know who I mean. He's uh, God what was his name? Um, he plays one of those curly horns, like those really shiny curly horns that's used in jazz a lot. 
Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is.
[back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan!
Stanley, gotta play hurt.
I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay.
I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone! 
Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!
Affirmative.
You just said, let me uh... check my notes.  You just said... 
Hey, hey how is Alan?  Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates! 
Okay
Uh, huh. 
Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize? 
Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to...
I didn't mean me! 
Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else. 
It's illegal. Can't do that.  Next best thing. 
Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid. 
Pam! 
Burger with cheese!  
And fries! 
And shake! What? Go ahead. 
No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction. 
Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away. 
[exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her. 
All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse. 
Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass? 
Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0. 
Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm  against violence in the workplace. 
Nobody cares what you think. 
So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day. 
Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman. 
I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating. 
This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall]  used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be. 
So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here. 
Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks. 
It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here. 
Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb
No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day.  So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?   
Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right.  
[handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe. 
I have an idea.  Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right? 
Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please? 
Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right? 
You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy. 
Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that. 
I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here? 
I know, it's unbelievable. 
Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby. 
Toby, Katy. 
Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right? 
You and your wife, and you have kids. 
Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too? 
Okay. Alright. Cool.  See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute.  Cutie-pie. Back to work.  
I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike.  
Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right?  [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier?
Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing.  So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys? 
Busted. 
Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something.  I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones. 
Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers. 
Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!
Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper! 
[Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter? 
Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...? 
Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Seriously. No, really.  
God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp. 
I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves. 
What?
Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good.  Five o'clock sharp.  I will give you and your purses a ride home. 
Excellent. 
Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay. 
I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..
No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto--- 
No, no, no it's not against the rules.  She's not a permanent employee so it's not. 
But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later. 
She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home. 
Well, might be a ride home.  Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot...
No. I cannot promise you that. 
Listen, Dwight. 
[laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]
Espresso?
You're welcome. Thank you.  Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Ummm-hmmm...
Very easy to clean. 
Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs]
Did we get any mail? 
Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and...
Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?
Ryan.
Would you like to help me with a special project? 
Alright. 
[in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties.
Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin. 
No. 
Uh, what flavor? 
Blue's not a flavor. 
Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you. 
What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir. 
No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it. 
Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out. 
That's over several months, Ryan. 
I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right?  I don't know. 
Sure you don't want me to help you with that?  Cause I can grab that no problem.
See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim. 
Where you going? 
With us? 
Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool.
Alright, have fun.
Don't drink and drive.
Take it easy. 
You too, have a good night. 
Do I have a special someone?  Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time.  Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning. 
Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants.
Well, don't do that. Where are your glasses?
He wears glasses. Did you know that?
Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe.
Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]
Yeah, yeah he is the worst.
What's the um, saying, "once their laughing they're... that's... Once they're laughing that's 50 percent of them being horizontal. So, not that I'm just... Not that that's my... that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice, melts... Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts.
Thank you, Al Gore... for the Internet. Can send messages from one side the global to the other in the blink of an eye. Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago?
Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't and that is amazing. Here's Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy.
[talking over Toby and Katy] Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That'll damage ya. Sorry man. That's uh, that's a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup's a good idea though. That'll... that's a good budgetary thing to do.
Well, they're good snacks. They're good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin' in the car?
'Cause he slept in the car a couple times.
Are you still taking the antidepressants? 'Cause it was a good idea. 'Cause it'll help. It'll help, man.
Okay. I'll see you in a bit. [whispering] She's pretty cute isn't she? See you in a bit.
All right. That's looking good. Hey um, Ryan do you have any music I can borrow.
Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music.
Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of 'em.
Mmm hmm. I like 'em.
Yes. God. They're awesome.
Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great.
Cool, so maybe hook me up  with some Fleebulls and some Hive.
All right. This is gonna be good.
Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...
[in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert.
[in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert.
So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. 
T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame.
And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.
Oh, no you di-int.
W-why did you...
Yes we should. I... you know what?  I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them.
[in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah!
[in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!
[singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...
[in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
[on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...
[talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Well, you could take the bus.  You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...
Um...
[to camera] Could you...?
Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.
Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...
...come on, Jan!
You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Well, yeah, I mean, what is...
No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
...it happens once every billion years.
Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin."  Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.
[in video] The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley.
Pam, everybody! [starts clapping]
Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.
[on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?
[on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!
I'm not changing that, it's the best one.
That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.
Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh.
Yes.
Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.
Just don't, don't talk-
Don't talk-
Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.
Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.
"The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you.  You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." [to Ryan] Card!
"You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-"
Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!
Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks.
I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?
Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri.
[to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.
No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.
And I was about to take her bra off...
...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
No! [under his breath] God.
[clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted.
Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started.
And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts...
...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.
What? I told them busiest...idiots.
Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.
[in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.
[doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.
Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout.
This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.
Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!
Yeah. [singing to music] "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go.
And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela.  Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose.  So...come on down.
The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor!  Get on up here. Here you go.
Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.
I don't know, it's just...
I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So...
Just sit down Kelly.
[sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go.
[Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John] "You have won a tiny Dundie."
Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?
Oh, alright, yeah.
Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh...
[Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-
Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off]
[clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...
[give Kevin his award]There you go.
[getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.
You know you did.
And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...
...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.
It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!
Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go.
Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you.
Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. 
Great work tonight.
Excellent.
Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.
TMI. Too much information. I used to say, "Don't go there," but that is so lame now. Or, "You go, girl." Or... Um, when did "Where's the beef?" That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, "Too much information" probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years.
All right, we need something for Kevin.
What do we know about him? He's an accountant.
[talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award.
I am the fat accountant.
Here he is.
Really? What did they say? "For a good time, call Michael Scott"?
Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why...
I mean, you just come in and you're just negative...
...and you just walk negatively.
Do you want me to find out what it says?
Yes.
What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about?
Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy.
Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael.
I hadn't planned on including him.
Kevin.
Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies?
Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character.
Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me.
[sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care?
What?
Dwight, you've hit a new low here.
That is a good point.
Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely.
Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good.
Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing?
[singing] You down with the Dundies? 
[singing] You down with the Dundies?
[singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies
[singing] You down with the Dundies?
[singing] Yeah, all the homies
I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head]
All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight.
He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it?
[sighing] It was unanimous, Toby.
Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it.
Yes, it is true.
Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade...
Don't wanna forget that.
Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's?
Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year.
Here we are.
Oh god.
No, no, turn it around.
You'll break it.
You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight.
All right.
Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh?
On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.
Merry Christmas!
Did it work?
A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.
Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.
[comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard]  Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting?
Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.
I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive.
Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.
No! No way! It... no.
You wanna be Santa?
Have you ever seen Santa?
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work.
That makes sense because he has elfish features.
You get something good this year?
Yeah? Who did you have?
I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.
All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?
Not great.
No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa.
Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth."
No, don't!
Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.
You don't know that.
I did?
What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?
Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on.
An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out]
So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod.
I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift.
Well, I call it fun!
Because it's better. Because it's more special.
Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot.
Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt.
Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
I think this is going great.
Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.
Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn.
[holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.
[opens present] "In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute."
Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Last gift. Kevin.
[after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about?
Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets.
Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!
It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000.
Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Cool, cool. Box it up.
Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.
This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.
Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?
Go, here we go!
Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin]
No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party.
Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.
Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to.
You're welcome.
No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!
Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.
Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up.
Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it.
No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
[coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening!
Yeah, that sounds good.
Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.
Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's? 
Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?
Okay!
Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree.
Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper.
Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason.
Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn.
Oscar, paint ball pellets.
Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party]
See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, "Man, I wish I got that." I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good.
Hello, everyone.
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Yeah?
Stanley! Bo banley.
Banana fana fo fanley.
Be my mo manley.
Stanley.
Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?
Maybe, I don't know.
Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
It's cheaper.
This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.
It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise!
No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.
Well, this... 
Yeah?
To throw you off the scent.
Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, "Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
Leader... ship. The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership," as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!
Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?
Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.
All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!
Titanic?
No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on!
No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse.
The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.
[singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.
Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan.
I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party.
Okay.
In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose.
Hey, look! I'm king of the world!
And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!
Okay! So... 
Right.
But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna... 
Rock it!
If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!
Yep.
We're all gonna have a good time tonight!
Hm? Okay. Yep.
Having fun?
Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers.
Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.
So, okay.
But before that, I have to do my presentation.
All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate! 
Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.
Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.
Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.
Okay.
Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?
Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing.  Congratulations. That is great!
Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Then I'll give you away!
Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication.
Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a... 
It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about.
I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.
Is somebody there?
Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Roy said the first one didn't count.
Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan... 
Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Never, ever, ever give up.
It's a fake wheel, dummy.
[knocking] Yeah.
Hello. 
Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah.
 Have a seat.
Oh, every man's dream.
Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It...
Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme...
Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat.
Of course.
Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat.
Hello.
Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?
Thanks.
Oh, okay.
I'll see you later.
I'll call you later.
That's like...
I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine.
What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think?
I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And...
No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain.
Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful.
Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy. 
[Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat.
Idiot.
No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor!
Your problem now, Captain Jack.
Hey. You know what the best way of studying is?
Flash cards.
You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here.
That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What?
You know what? I don't think it's in...
That's not in tune. I don't know if you can...
...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend. 
Good luck.
Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old.
Yeah! Toast!
That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing]
Hey, Jim. You got a hat?
Thanks.
Pam! It's Michael.  Help me!  I need help right now.
I'm hurt, I have hurt myself.  Oh my God!
Ungh, this is not looking good Pam!
No, I want you to pick me up.
I am hurt. I hurt my foot.
I want to come to work.  But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone]
OH GOD! 
Oh God!
OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
I enjoy having breakfast in bed.  I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me.  And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself.  So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill.  Then I go to sleep.  When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again.  Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.  It is delicious, it's good for me.  It's the perfect way to start the day.  Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it.  I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
Pam, could you come get me?!
Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan?
There's no toilet paper here.  Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper.  Could you tell 'em that?
I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. 
[panicked] No one wants to pick me up!?
I'm not sick! I'm burned!
Don't... is that Dwight?  I do not want Dwight.  
I don't want Dwight!
I don't have a girlfriend.
It was all made up.  Just someone come, ok?  Anyone.  Anyone but Dwight.
Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight!
Morning everyone.  Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out.  Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing.  I just want to be treated normally today.  Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.
Did you explain why?
Burned my foot, Pam.
Please stop popping my cast.  Thank you.
Ha ha ha.  So where are you shipping...
Thank you.  Pam, messages please? 
Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and... 
No, your job is being my friend, Pam.  OW! God!
What?
I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma.  I don't think that's too much to ask.
No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy.  Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing.  I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.
What?  Part of your duties are to what?
You just said "part of your duties are to" something.
Yes, you did.  What is wrong with you?
Where is my cornbread?
Thank you.  Did you get all dark meat like I like?
Where are the yams?
Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?
And they had no yams?
How strange.  Because they always have yams.
Pam... PAAAM!?
Come here please.
I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam, please?  I have Country Crock.
Uh, ow.  Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN!
No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom.  No, I'm not gonna call Jan.  She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that?  No, it was mutual.  What is Pam doing chatting with you?
[loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me!
I fell off the toilet.  I'm caught between the toilet and the wall.
Ugh, not you.  Someone else.  Get Pam.
Get Ryan.  He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit.  Bring a wet towel.
No, he's not. 
I just saw him.
Ugh, forget it.  I'll just get up myself.  No!  Uh, aaaahhh!  Ah!  Oh God!
Can I have everyone's attention please?  Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question?  Do you all know what it's like to be disabled?  Oscar?
No, never heard of it.  No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble.
Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.  
Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?!  
Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about.  You people are jerks.  Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
[sigh] I burned my foot!!!  Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there!
While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.  
Good question.  Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: AIDS.
I don't think so, no.
He grew into a man overnight.  Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here?
What you mean uh hmmm... ?
Ok.
Yes, right in here, come on in.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest.
You are so brave. You are so brave.
But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair.
Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning?
Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me.
How did you get in your wheelchair?
Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny.
Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor.
Well they notice it.  Don't you?  You notice it.  It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it?
Ok... 
Ignore him.  You know what?  We're not that different, you and I.  When I clamped my foot into a non-stick... 
Yeah... 
Ok.
Did you see Born on the Fourth of July?  I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.
[popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey!
You did it!  Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin.  Very nice.  Thank you, Ryan.
Did you get the yams?
[sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding.
Yeh.
You know what?  I feel better.  Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.
Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better.  My body's literally healing itself.  It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.  
Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins.
Oh, now you feel some compassion for him.
Why don't you go with him?
I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity.
Oh, ok, that's, great.  No, I can't drive.  Jim why don't you drive.
We'll go.  I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please.
Shotgun!
The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear.  The first person to shout "shotgun" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat.  That's how  the game's played.  There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.  
Oh, God, a mini-van.  What is Meredith's problem?
Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband.  She's not gonna find one driving this thing around.
Chuck E. Cheese?  Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
I know, just sayin'.
Dwight, what are you drinking?
Give it to me.
Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight]  Give me the bottle or you're fired.
Give it to me Dwight.
Give me the bottle!!
Gimme the bottle, Dwight!
Just give it! 
Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle!
Stop spraying me!  Gimme the bottle!
Dwight, what is your middle name.
[sigh] Something with a "K".
What do I write under "reason for visit"?
Nothing.  I wrote "bringing someone to the hospital".
No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore.  I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim]
Hi Dwight.
Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?
Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly.
Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look?
Ok, what kinda machine is that?
That's my joke, damnit Dwight.
It's ok, they're with me.
Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off.
Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up.  We'll, see you when you get out.
Fine. Fine.
Uh, that's what she said.  See, haven't lost my sense of humor.  No, no need, it was a non-stick grill.
I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house.  Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few.  Very soothing.  [to the interviewer] Want to try?
Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh.  Bureaucracy and germs.
Yes, so, no thank you.
What?
Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk.  Pam, could I have a word with you in my office?  [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh.  Alright.
Yeah, I've been sayin that.
Did you know I used to be in HR?
I used to be in HR.  I was a Hell raiser.
Right? [laughs] 
Alright. Movin' on.
Ry-an.  You're here.  Whatcha got, whatcha got?  Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused.  Where's Little Man Tate?
Oh come on.
Oh man.  It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy.
Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food.  You know how they say "stuff a cold"?  Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon.
No.
No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin.  Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm. 
Guh-od.
Ok, I'll stand near you.
Next-ish.
Shh shh shh shh.
No. Do you?
Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
What's up-dog?
Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!
Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?
Mmm, what flavour coffee is that?  Up-dog?
I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?
[low] No, damn it!
What does what mean?
Just forget it.
Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?
[low] Damn it.
Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring?  Anything.  They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind.  Well I say that an empty desk means a... 
No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say.
Yes.
On a Friday? [Dwight nods]
I will do all the talking.
What difference does it make whether your here?
Hi, Oscar its Michael.
Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?
Really? Oh, that is a shame.  You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.
What are your symptoms?
Umm, hmmm.
I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday.  Unless you're still sick.  So have a great long weekend.
He sounded sick.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time.  It's much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you.
Hey Jim-bag.
Really?
Who else knows?
Wow!
Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship.  And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed... Bangles.
[singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us... 
Hey, whatcha gettin'?
Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?
Any of em?  So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation?
P-A-M. P-A
No it's okay, we're talking code.
Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding?
[Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it.
It's Grrrrrrape! Soda.
Not so much.
Nothing.
Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.
Ok.
Good.
Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick.  What are you doin' for lunch?
Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk], no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.
Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room.  Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who.
I know just he place.
[at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it? 
Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.
Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi.
We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.
I'm his boss actually.  And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?
Mmmm, sounds yummy.  I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles]
No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.
What do you like best about Pam?
Is it her boobs, or... 
Really?
Never get's any of my jokes.
Her boobs, definitely.
Oh, thank you.
Ohhh happy birthday Jim!
Woo! Yeah!
Thank you very much.
Hilarious. Hey.
Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.
Just do it.
[Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's] Expenses.
No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?
Yeah, it's a business lunch.
No he did not. I don't need his permission.
Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?
I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter.  And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.
Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity.  How is that not work related?
You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged.  So just cut me some slack. Please?
You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.
I know, I know, I know.
I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.
Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just.
Yeah I'm good.
Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim.
No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend.
It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out.
People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret.  Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend.  This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.
Hello. Pammy want a cracker?
Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs]
Oh!
No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do.
No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk]
All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie.
It's a celebrity tournament.
Do you see it?
Do you feel it?
[mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great.
[pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary.
Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away.
No, I am the King bee,
No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee.
Keep. I will finish that later.
Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan.
Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt.
Thank you, Dana.
Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday.
You're welcome.
No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical.
Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits.
Spamster!
Hamster.
Welcome back!  How was your vacation?
Yeah?
Did you get lucky?  Oh!  Boink!
I am Pam.  Spicoli guy.  Oh, God.  Names, numbers.  Okay. [walking into office] Whoa!  God!  Yuck, yuck.  Yuck.  Yuck!
Wow!  What happened in there?  
There is stink in there, my God!  What is... what is that?
Is it a bird?
Oh, God!  How could that happen?  How could... right in the middle of the carpet.
Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office. 
Check it out.
Check it out.  Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee.  
What is it?  
What is it?  No, just tell me what it is. 
I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
How do you know that?  What is it, then? 
[as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes.  All cleaned?  Great. [walks into office]
That is worse. 
[while in his reeking office]  I am a big Fear Factor fan.  I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape.  Um... [clearing throat]   I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second.  No!
[sitting at Jim's desk]  Hey Jim.  I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Oh... It's ...
[reluctantly] Yeah ... 
No, no, no!  Seriously, I don't mind sharing. 
[putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Old bullpen.
Don't ape me.
This is great.
The pressures of my office are insane.
I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know?  I used to sit right here.
Yeah.
Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust]  Ed Truck was the manager before me.  Horrible.  He hated fun.  It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us.  Stop having fun.  Start pretending to do work."  What a jerk.  He's... You know what?  I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away. 
You know who used to sit at that desk? 
Mm-mm.  Todd Packer. 
Yeah.
He was, but, uh... that desk was empty.  He'd come in and sit there sometimes.
When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls].  Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.  
I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. 
Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay.
Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute.  Guy had no sense of humor about it.  Probably why he wasn't hired. 
Charley horse!
Charley horse!
Oh, okay.  Gah.
Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles]  It was hysterical. 
[whispering] Dwight.
Let's send up Accounting.
Old fashioned raid.  Sales on Accounting.  Yeah.  Follow my lead.
Hey guys.  
Ahem.  What's up? 
Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing]
No, no, no, no.  We don't do that.  We don't do that. 
Watch out, Pam. You're next!
Maybe! 
Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet?  I don't know.  It could be done out of hate.  It could be done out of love.  It could be completely neutral.  Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady.  And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe.  I hate her. 
You know what?  I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office.  The only thing that makes any sense.
Stop. 
Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop.  It.  [Dwight beings to dial] Don't.  Don't.  
All right.
Hi, guys.
I'm just walking around.
Well, yeah.
Oh, and I'm not?  Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun?  You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you?  I'm workin' for the week.  Sales team, listen to me.  This is what we're gonna do.  I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally.  Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill.  The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash.  Sound good?  
[counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three.  Eighty-three dollars.  Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it.  I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest.  Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?  
Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!
God, this is gonna be fun.
[on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring.  Very good, nice doing business with you.  Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah!  Read it and weep.  Oh!  Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead]  Look at me, Phyllis!  Oh, what is that?  That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously]
[stops dance] Nothing.
No.  Just ... 
You know what, guys?  It's none of your concern.  It was official business, so just...
Yeah, paper business.  Is this done?  
Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour.  If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps]
This was no act of God.  A person did this.  A person who works in this office.  Maybe all of them.  
You know what?  Today is not a good day for a sales contest.  We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today.  
You wanna talk about fair?  Does anyone need to smell my old carpet?  You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair.  Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.  
I am a victim of a hate crime.  Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about.
Well I hated it!  A lot!  Okay, I... you know what?  If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward]  Very well.  Then you are all punished.  
You're all on a time out.  Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer]  No.  NO!  [phone continues to ring]
Do you remember Ed Truck?
How would I know?
My biggest fear is turning into him.
[sighs]  I wasn't talking literally, Creed.  Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy?  Why am I talking to you? 
[meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed?  Hi.  Thanks for meeting me.  Must be kinda neat comin' back.
Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now.  
Oh, no, no, no.  You're good.  It was clerical.  You're good.  Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible.
Really?
Well, that figures.  So how did you deal with people not liking you?
Well... s-sure I can.
Not necessarily.  You can love a boss like you do a father.
Well, okay.  Different management styles.
Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office.  I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them.  But now, no.  I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did.  I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends.  Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
[on phone] Yes.
Who is this?  How did you get this number? 
Oh my God.  Packer.  Packster.  Whacky Pack.  How you doin'?  
Uh... no.  Did anybody see a package here today?  No.  How big was it?
Really?
Did you see a big package?  Where did you leave it? 
Really?  Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Are you kidding me?  Oh!
That was Packer!  Oh, you're... you are dead.  You are dead, my friend!  That is hilar... Oh, God!  Of course it was you. 
Oh.  [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah!  Oh my God.  It was Packer!
It takes an advanced sense of humor.  I don't expect everybody to understand.  It was done out of love, just like I thought.  It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people.  We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun!  Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out. 
[on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay.  
What's going on? Anything here?
Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or...
Ah. Small?
Huge?
Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or...
What was that?
You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you?
Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog?
No, I did not.
Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke.
Do you know a joke?
Call a client right now.
And tell him the joke.
Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works.
Just sell it.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line.
The old one two. Let's do it.
[on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so...
[on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight.
[on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper.
[on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way.
I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives.
[knocks] Hey, what's going on?
Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads... 
No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby.  But I just... just want to keep it within reason.
They did this up in Albany... 
And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so... 
Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like... 
[stands up] Anybody want any coffee or...
Women in the workplace... yeah, translation "I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls." Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!
Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this!
[in the background] Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap.
Let's just clap. Ready? [clapping] Yeah! Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing.
Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
We have nowhere else Jan. This... 
OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works.
Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months.
So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?
You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing.
Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy... 
Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing.
[points at math equasion on chalkboard] Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little "Good Will Hunting" situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there.
Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?
Check this out! Look at that! Look at that [squeezes blow-up doll] bwup-bwa! [talks in girly voice] Hello! How are... [regular voice] Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.
Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself.
Stand clear.
I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, oh, oh!  We'll get somebody to clean that up.
We ought to have this thing serviced.
So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so... 
No, why? Why would I... ? You could... 
Stay or... 
Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know?
OK.
OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh...
I... That was just... 
I was breathing.
I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men.
OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it.
I feel you.
Yes.
Ah, you do. So... 
I know. God! What is that?
It blows. It blows, man. Gah... 
No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah.
You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys.
Dockworker's?
Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.
The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.
Yeah-es.
[knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points... 
Don't get hysterical.
Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.
Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?
Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you.
But we're bonding down there!
I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear.
Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through... 
We have a history... 
...between us.
I won't
I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.
Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this?
Hi.
Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially...
I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some... 
I'm just going to put this over there.
You did uh... okay.
Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza.  Poor people love pizza.  White people love pizza.  Black people love pizza.  Do black people like pizza?
Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch.
Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship.
Thank you to our hosts.
Ahhh! Excellent.
Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.
Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring.
And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed.
There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here.
Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing]
No, no. [blues piano playing]
Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, "I am so lame." Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about?
Yes.
What are you guys talking about?
Cool.
Working on it.
Yup.
All right.
Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring.
And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed.
There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here.
Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing]
No, no. [blues piano playing]
Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, "I am so lame." Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about?
Yes.
What are you guys talking about?
Cool.
Working on it.
Yup.
All right.
Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. [Dwight holds up passport.] Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO.
Nope. The opposite of that. 
Ok, good.
I probably will, why do you ask?
Yeah.
What is your problem?
This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love. 
Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything? 
Alright.
Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya!
Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name. 
The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. [Michael walks toward Sbarro.]
Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. [points] We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here. 
Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there. 
This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey [points]. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? [walks over] OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were [Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael], OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. [to camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh.
I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. [Michael sees it's the end of a street.] OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back,  should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it. 
There they are. What's up? Hey hey.
Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam.
Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists]
You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?
So what's going on? What I miss?
Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... [awkward silence]
Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it.
Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and...
You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it, 
Yeah, yeah. 
Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan?
What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.]
[video dialogue for "The Faces of Scranton"] Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. [video shows Stanley at desk] This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on. 
Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about.
[video dialogue] And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants.  Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. [video says, "Great Scott!"]
Questions? 
Yes, thank you.
Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... [hands over report] 
Oh, ok. Alright.
No you're not.
Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So...
Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David.
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane. 
No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael]
I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins]
I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again. 
Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again. 
Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.]
Oy vey... schmear. [Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.]
Everybody, hello, can I have your attention, please? Since it's Valentine's Day, there's something that I wanted to say. I love the women of this office. Pam, I love you.
I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course.
I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman's body? The brains. Because I don't think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff.
That's a lot of noodles. How much sodium do you think is in that cup? This place used to be full of hookers and porn shops and it's not that way anymore. There's an old building. That one hasn't been torn down yet, but they will. They'll get to it.
This is where it's all happening. We got TGI Fridays. I'm in the picture! Sometimes I just jump into people's pictures. Lot of people have their picture taken. It's kind of a New Yorker thing. You jump in on a tourist's picture and kind of ruin it. There's an energy to New York that you just feel. Um, everybody... Don't get hit. Everybody is kind of together and everybody hates each other, but loves each other at the same time. Screw off! People just yell at each other in New York, and it's great.
Great. Thank you.
Okay, here's the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, "Oh there's nothing between us and stop talking about it." And "Border-line harassment when you call me at home." But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine's Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see.
You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing.
Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then... 
Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say.
Have to think it through. Because if they say no...
No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted. 
Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.
 Hey, Dwight.
You all right Ryan?
Pam!
That's what she said!
Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.
Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.
That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.
Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot.
Insult.
[stand up comic voice] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class.
Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs!
I do. Both of them.
No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this. 
Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!
[generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations.
You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.
No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience.
He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible. 
Yeah.
All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.
Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up.
Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today.
Well, it's mostly made up. So... 
Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.
Confidence, Dwight.
It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.
All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right.
Dwight, they called your name.
All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. [shouts] All right!
Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? 
I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. [makes robot sounds] Michael Winslow, anyone?
Car starting. [makes car sounds]  All right, Dwight Schrute everyone. 
Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
I got thirsty. How'd it go?
You would not believe what happened here.
Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.
Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.'
She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?
Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys? 
That's it? You're going to end with "etcetera"? Okay, what's this big organizational system that...
That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries.
It's your delivery...
Our biggest worry.
My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting]
See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn.
No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin. 
All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke.
Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water.
Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go.
Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead.
Anything your heart desires.
[shouting] Louder!
Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next.
Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there.
Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so...
Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death.
Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know.
Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room.
Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope.
You're weird.
Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go.
Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? "Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?" "Jell-O pudding." Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. [imitating race car engine] That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. [baby crying] Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude.
Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---
... Oh, God is that today? 
Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in "Raw," and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in "Daddy Daycare." both great movies, but, still. 
Well, I'll be in my office. 
They're cool.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City. 
Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
[under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds.
Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her. 
Oh.
Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.
It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.
[while Jake is throwing things at Michael] They want how many spiral pads?
Okay. 
[on phone] Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] ... Yes. We--yeah, they're very--they're different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow. 
[on phone] Yes. Well... we can... [Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train] uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's--- that's alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk] Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?
Nice to meet you.
Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try?
All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh]
Dwight! Dwight!
What the hell are you reading to them? 
Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. 
What's a Nazi? 
Don't!
Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it? 
[sighing] Why don't you just leave? Okay? 
Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook? 
Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [cracks up]
This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?
No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. 
Yes it is, well, w-w--you need someone in the middle to facilitate...
I'm not just a middle... man... 
You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business. 
...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?
Say hi to the kids.
Yaaaaay.
What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem? 
No no no, we're not gonna see--- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay? 
You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show. 
It's true. I did.
I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star.
It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar. 
I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine? 
Oka--
Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office. 
[to Abby] Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like? 
I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake. 
I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan? 
That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to... 
Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow. 
Yeah.
Uhh, I don't know.
Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.
Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh. 
Young Recess. 
Young I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend. 
Coulda sworn there was...
...uh, no.
Uh, just never happened.
Uh, nope.
I do okay. 
Yes.
Okay! Alright, okay.
...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.
[Toby knocks on door] Yeah?
Oh, that's okay, she can keep those. 
Thank you. 
You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost. 
Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?
What about...
...Jan. Kay. 
...Or biologically.
Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...
Oh... kay.
Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do. 
[singing] You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... [Dwight joins in] and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well... 
One more time. [singing] You...
Hey, don't touch him, please!
Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Sure.
Okay. There you go.
So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. 
You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend. 
Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright.
Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call. 
Oh ho ho! What?
Thank you! That's really nice.
Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.
What's up?
Ah, thank you sir.
[Dwight knocks on door] Yeah.
Ohh, god.
No no no, no, new suit, please. 
Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually--- no, Bulgaria.
Good luck. One of a kind. 
Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it.  They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.
Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.
Let's get the party started.  Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]
[answering phone] Yeah?
Oh, great, put her through. 
Hey, you.
It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Thanks. [grins]
Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]
[to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want. 
Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Thanks. 
Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
You didn't know it was my birthday.
Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Mmm.
Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright? 
[laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous.
When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.
[eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that? 
Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.
You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster].
What?
[grinning] Ohhh, God.
Ohhh, no. 
Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.
Okay.
Thank you.
Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please. 
Get in here... everybody. 
Birthday party subs! My gift to you. 
The best.
Yes.
Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.
Just the bread, it's fresh baked.
Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it.
When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had. 
Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Are you done? ...Good. Okay.
Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles]
... I asked for trick candles.
Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day. 
... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door].
There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
And laughter... also.
Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
[mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.
Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. 
How dare you sir. You are gross. 
[sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there.
No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!
Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.
Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Okay. Well. Live strong.
Alright.
Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...
Oh, these... all your kids? 
Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? 
Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!
Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me.
Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin].
Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.
Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!
Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.
Yeah.
Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it. 
That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]
Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me." A great boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts."
Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present.
Good. Great.
No, I think you're gonna stay.
On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today.
[knock on door] Mmm-hmm.
Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them.
Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good.
Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry.
Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, "I have cancer."
Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.
[clears throat] Hey, what's up?
Any emails today?
No? Um... Check your spam folder.
What?
[laughs uncontrollably]
Kay.
I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.
That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational. 
Um, I... 
Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!
Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Uh oh.
Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So... 
Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!
Oh, yeah.
Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.
Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!
Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]
Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School".
Yes, Toby?
Um... literally two seconds?
Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.
No, no, Toby. No.
It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
What?
NO!
What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes? 
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.
Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away.
I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake.
Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day. 
Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
What?
I don't feel bad.
No, I don't.
Okay. 
Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Thank you.
Hi, is it over?
No.
I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.
Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?
Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?
I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.
No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was? 
She would have definitely slept with me.
Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!
What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line? 
What if they made out? In front of everybody?
At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam? 
I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?
That's what she said. Pam?
That's what she sai [clears throat]  Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.
Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.
So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.
When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.
Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.
No, I've seen the video.
No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]
Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things.  And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Mmmhmm. Yes.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
[laughing] Come on.
Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]
You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.
It's... That's... 
Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
This guy does it all.
What?
So I'm not in trouble?
I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.
Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so... 
I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.
No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
I don't know about that.
Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Yes, your corner. Go.
Mmmhmmm.
They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon!  Come on! Come on.
Oooh!
I'm not worried.
You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.
Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
Good morning, Pam.
What's going on?
What?
I don't get what you mean.
Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing]
Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing]
Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that?
No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating...
Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out.
You say yes, and we go out.
And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby.
Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, "Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason." I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil.
Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow. 
[fake coughing] Narc! 
I wasn't attempting to compliment you. 
Uuf, well...
[shakes head] Okay...
Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where's my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest! 
Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies? 
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling?  Ratting somebody out.  Narc!  Narc!  Kevin?
Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who's in trouble? 
Waa... what? What are you talking about? 
Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it. 
Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled.  Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection. 
I can do that, it is my office. 
Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great. 
It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about. 
No, uh, no. That was a test.  I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him?  How many of you said, "Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs." 
I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind. 
Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot.  I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children. 
Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Yes it is. 
Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair. 
I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly. 
Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random.  Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one.  Yeah, Pam. 
Really? [Jim shakes his head no] 
Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well. 
The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not. 
Yes, I will not be. 
Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you. 
So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Just forget it.  Just the urine. 
Just. I need your urine. 
Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight. 
It's none of your business. 
Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring. 
I need clean urine for the lady. 
Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes
A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens. 
No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup. 
Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much. 
What's wrong? Where's your costume? 
Why?  Wha...
Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Yes, sir. 
So you wanna? Thanks. 
Okay. 
Good.
No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes]
Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you. 
Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.
Exactly. I know. It's amazing.
Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.
One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar...
No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.
No? okay, fine.
Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping]
Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.
Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?
Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.
Well...
I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?
Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.
That's a nice tie.
That is... who makes that?
Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
[walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio?
What's the problem?
So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Yes.
Yeah?
Okay.
What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So... 
Okay... what?
Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?
[holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.
Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?
Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.
[in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements.
Come on, seriously, that?
Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.
Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.  
Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.
[claps his hands twice] It is done!
Yes.
Are those all the other complains?
I would like to see those please.
You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it?
Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?
[looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.
How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble "merely listen to and forgotten..." ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ?
Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.
 All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.
Uh... [reading]"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right? 
Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club.
[crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes?
What?!
Stanley. [off camera]
[still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true.
Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.
And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.
Oh... ok.
Okay, well... all settled, then.
OK, Ryan.  You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution:  Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.
Uh. Dwight.
Okay! Calm down.
Hey, hey!
Stop.
Okay... 
Dwight... 
Stop... 
Oh... kay... 
Okay.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
[picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?
Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!
Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.
Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
[reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can."  Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
[reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."
"By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.
Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.
Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?
Good. Okay.
Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?
Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?
It'll take like two seconds.
Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter.    
Come on, everybody.
We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.
What?
[off camera] You just press the button.
[off camera] Okay, good. Check that out.
[off camera] That's terrible.
[off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down]
 It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.
[flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I?
But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.
And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.
Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice.
On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that.
I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, "What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?" Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot.
There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, "I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu." See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway.
There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person.
Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal.
"Cage Match"? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no.
Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.
I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Top 80 percent!
Yeah?
Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here. 
I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.
Oh, come on. Come on.
You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.
Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day. 
Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.
Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.
Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.
So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.
Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.
Well, then, they need our money more than ever. 
Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS. 
No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS. 
What?
That's a dog. 
That's a shawl. 
No. Humans with AIDS.
Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried. 
There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams. 
I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works? 
It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place. 
Well, actually, it's my warehouse. 
Why are you here?
Not. I said, not that. 
That's ironic.
That you are afraid. 
Dinkin' flicka. 
Give me some. [Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture]
[phone rings] Yes
Who?
Do I know a Carol Stills?
Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Hi, Carol. How you doing?
Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.
Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped. 
Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.
Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.
Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...[phone rings] What do you...
Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?
Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume?
Hey, Jan. How you doing?
I am?
Oh, okay.
AIDS.
Okay, sounds great.
Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just...
Right.
Yeah?
What?
Okay.
Problem. Good.
Good, All right. Sounds great.
Bye.
Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
Hey, hey.
Hey, Carol.
You look great.
Oh, well... Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks]
Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.
Okay.
Billy, your nurse is hot.
Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Chili's is great.
Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled!  Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.
All-in. [Other players fold their hands]
Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?
What are... That's insane.
Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Okay, all right, whatever.
You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]
Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Jan.
Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship.
After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong.
Um...
Hey. What...
All right!
Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go!
Yeah!
So close. So close.
Hey, okay.
Thank you.
Okay. Thanks for coming.
Okay. Talk to you Monday.
Good night. She's a good boss.
Oh, she's great.
Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.
Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money.
No.
No. 
I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors.
Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning]
How about a location?
Where the hell is that?
Okay, all right.
No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective.
We already have that. So...
No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey's good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun.
Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard. All right, here we go. "Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons."
"One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an..." Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we're... Okay, we're starting over.
Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse.
Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money.
Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company's doing fine.
Hey. Okay. You know what? Don't even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don't think about it.
Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more than half the battle.
I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.
Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.
Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.
Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs. 
Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.
Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Maybe.
Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough. 
Sign the papers at the condo.
Uh, I don't need one.
I don't need a representative.
No, No.
No. Dwight. I'm fine.
Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal. 
Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.
Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.
As my associate.
No it is not. 
Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies. 
We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day.
Very good. 
We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Good. The Small Business Man?
Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?
NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked.  Thank you. 
Ok. See you soon.
I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?
What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside.  Don't... please...
I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
I do not understand what you spend your money on. 
 Home, sweet home.
 Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home. 
 Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something. 
 Nice to meet you too. 
 Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um. 
 Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that. 
 This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall. 
 I'm putting my bed right over here.
 Well, then I will get a warrantee.
 Well then I won't get a warrantee. 
 So that's the problem, is solved. What?
 Uh... Ten year. 
 What? Wha? You said ten. 
 Ok, ok, ok. 
 Alright. 
 Ok. Alright. Oh boy. 
 Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?
 Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me. 
 Oh, man. 
Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees]
 The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't...  
 ...know if you showed me this same unit or not. 
 Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
 As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here. 
 There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down. 
 No, no, no. 
 I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin. 
 Ehhhh....
 I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.
 There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.
 No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. 
 Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities. 
 I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone. 
 What the hell is a terrarium?
 Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place. 
We take separate cars.
Why would we do that?
No.
EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok. 
Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Nobody likes beets. 
Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet. 
Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm]
Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?
Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly. 
You know.
Really?
What's this?
I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. 
Get up here, Dwight. 
Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem?
Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that?
Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath...
...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking...
...wall-to-wall carpets...
...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good.
I think it does.
Yes.
I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck.
When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well.
Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans]
Are we ready?
Are we gonna do it?
This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to,
Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station.
No.
Oh, anything bad?
 Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
No.
I don't need a gun.
Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place?
Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing]
Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place. 
Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool.
 I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press "Popcorn." Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat.
Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you?
Good to see you.
 Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities.
What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there?
Oh, my God. Dwight.
You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room.
I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids.
I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman.
No, it's not. Just shut up.
You're an ass. Shut it.
No, you don't.
I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here.
This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks.
Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think. 
Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs]
Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be? 
Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager? 
That is ridiculous.
Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one. 
[speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is? 
Mmm... No. That was Yoda.
There are ten rules of business that you need to learn.  Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play. 
And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch. 
[to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey! 
Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. 
Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. 
Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two. 
So what was rule two? 
Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower. 
Okay, uh, well, one is taken. 
Well, he needs a permanent number, right? 
Um, yeah.  Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges. 
Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it? 
Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh? 
Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop!  So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for... 
...for Phone. What? 
Um, oh, thinking about business school? 
Really? 
So you think you know a lot about business? 
Uh huh. 
Yeah. Quiz me. 
Come on, egghead. Let's do it. 
Quiz me up. 
Uh...
When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me. 
[to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal. 
Okay. Yes! It was a trick question. 
Okay, Dwight. 
You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about. 
For instance, why don't you go to business...
Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will. 
I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. 
Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be? 
You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me. 
I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think? 
Nah, I'm okay. 
Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here? 
Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here?  Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?
Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do? 
Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business. 
Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo... 
Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So... 
What's that? 
Yeah. 
Dwight. Hey! 
Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen. 
I didn't say it to him. I said it about him. 
[in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either.
Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find. 
I gave it to you in the car. 
I saw you program it in. 
Okay. Alright. 
Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir... 
Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh.
Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school. 
Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan? 
Toaster Oven 101? 
Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans. 
Dwight and [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning--- 
[singing] ...since the world was turning. 
Dwight and [sing gibberish to "We Didn't Start the Fire"]
Dwight and [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning... 
Okay. Rule five - safety first,  i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer. 
Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. 
I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.  
Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Failure is not an option.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule.
Mmm-hmm.
No, I'm not trying to trick him. I'm trying to be a good mentor. So...
No.
No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan.
I'm not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it.
Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship.
When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have.
If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing.
Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great!
Ohh... OK.
I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month.  And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay.
Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning.
Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day.
I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back.
Okay... Sherri?
If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?
Thanks.
I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri.
Okay! I'm sorry.
No?
Bye.
I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeeesh.
Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Because it's very scary stuff.
You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.
No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be?
And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]
Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.
Hey.
You guys excited about the party?
It's gonna be fun.
[looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.
All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?
Good.  Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm  going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.
Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats.
"Bend It Like Beckham."
[laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect.
Well, I don't really have two heads. So... 
Who do you think it should be?
No, Jim brings in money.
Eh.
It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.  
[turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Yeah... I could.
I'm not saying that's what he said.
[listening to his head] What?
That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Are you kidding?
I agree. He'd land on his feet.
So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?
Ahh, come on.
I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away]
Oh, God.
Fantastic!
What?! That would've solved all my problems.
 Oh, you idiot.
If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?
You can call. Can you call 'em?
Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
[clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute?
Help. Me. 
I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Yes.
I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.
Yes, that's a good idea.
Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!
I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!
Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
I... this is Creed.
I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings]
And I'm very angry, and I want... 
I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.
Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah.
Uh, hey... Creed?
Could I talk to you for a second?
You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop.
I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better.
No, you wanna leave.
Why... why are you making this so hard?
I think you're right.
No, of course  you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye.
Hmm?
What old days? What are you talking about?
It's right here on the desk, yeah.
I can't, I can't... 
I can't change anything. This is the way... 
I don't... okay, just listen.
Don't... 
Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
I have to fire someone today, okay?
Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
Don't... 
Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?
Well, he... 
Well, maybe I did.
Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
No.
No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and... 
I just hope that you and I can remain friends. 
Devon, wait, please.
Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings.
I  love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.
He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great.
You look great! And you're a princess?
A fairy princess. You're very... .
You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.
Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis?
Of course. You're always working hard.
Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do.
No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people.
What? What?
Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief.
You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign?
Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have.
I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please?
You know what? That's my foot. 
You guys...
I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct?
I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building?
Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready.
All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's  a fast elevator.
I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah?
Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him]
Leave me alone, okay?
Do you want some coffee?
[slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed?
Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement.
Why?
It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment.
Yeah.
Just trying to be your friend.
Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do.
Are you pulling my leg or...
You have no clue why I've asked you in here?
Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal.
Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask?
His name was Devon.
The human being man's name was Devon.
[talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, it is.
Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined.
Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me.
[talking over Jan] You're glad?
Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?
[talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back.
There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great.
[camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved.
[singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.
Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
[to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.
Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. 
Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?
Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?
[in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
This is Tito. 
Calling from... [Ryan hangs up]
[Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up.
[in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson.
And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man. 
Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Because I would kick his ass. 
So? I've beaten up black belts. 
They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out. 
And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again. 
You were a Jet?
Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link. 
I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up. 
Just hit me. You'll see.
Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.
Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.
Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'... 
... he cried at the end of it. He did.
Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?
Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.
Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!
Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you. 
[Pam knocks on his door] Go away.
I haven't signed them, ok?
Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. 
Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him. 
Oh, so that's what they are saying?
Ok, alright, where is Dwight? 
Ok.
Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
No, Really?
Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22. 
Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.
Really?
You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now.
No, they must have class. 
Look... 
Hey, Toby.
I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools. 
I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll. 
I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Oh.
Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner. 
Hey!
What the hell was that?
No. 
Alright, that's the way you want it. 
Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man. 
I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.
I got his pants. 
Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight]
Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.
You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie]
Open your mouth. 
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag. 
My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
[knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya? 
He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man. 
[Knock at the door] Yeah. 
Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend? 
If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout.
Alright, bye. 
Dwight?
This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time.  
Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby. 
I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight. 
I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? 
And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager. 
I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.
No, no, title change only. 
No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now.
Absolutely but not really. 
Yes you do. 
And, ditto.
I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo. 
Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die.
No, that's not how I meant it.
Shut up, Dwight.
Yes.
Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming]
Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black?
God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting]
Stan the man.
Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually.
I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him.
I went medieval on his heinie.
Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He...
Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay.
[door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one.
Yes, under my tutelage.
If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.
Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework.  Looks like USA Today.
I changed it.  To Chili's.
Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson".  It's kind of snooty.  So.
Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course.  It's where business happens.  Small Businessman Magazine.  
It will.  I sent it in.  Letter to the editor.
Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip.
Ok, let's do this thing.  [to Pam] Wish us luck.
[under his breath] Kiss ass.  Ok, probably going to go late tonight.  Burning the midnight tequila.  So, I think you could all just take off now.
Well... 
No, no.  That would not be efficient.  Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here.  [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true.  I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here.  Not more.  The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare]  Hey, everybody, listen up.  This is what we're gonna do.  You sit tight, until I return.  Sound good?  Doesn't matter, it's an order.  Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok?  Alright, ciao.  [to Oscar] Adios!
Uh, I'll drive.
It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?
At all!
You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-
Dar de dar.
Jan Levinson-Gould.  Jan is cold.  If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.
We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-
Well, I... it could be either of us.
Yeees.
Hello?  Christian?
Thought that was you.  Hi.  Michael Scott.  This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
No Gould?
Uh, Jan, what happened?
Is Gould dead?  What uh-
Wow, you're kidding me!  Do you wanna talk about?
When did this happen?
Ok.
Alright, after you.
[mouths "Wow" to the camera]
Awesome blossom.
[to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say?   They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?
Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome?  Now it's done.
I heard a-
Very very funny joke the other day.  Wanna hear it?
Ok.
Just one joke.  Ok.  Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke.  Umm... let's see... choo choo choo.
Pam, it's Michael.  I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Yes.
No. 
Nope.  Told it.  Not as good as you think.  Pick another one.
Oh ho ho, yea!  Bingo! And a lighthouse.  Yes.  That is hysterical.  Could you start that one from the beginning?
First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn".  And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort".  And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe".
[making the mouth on his tie talk]  Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs]  That's delicious!  I love it!
Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.
That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words.  That's her fault.
Did somebody say "baby back ribs"?  Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
[singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs]
[singing] Chili's baby back ribs... 
Woo, well, this brings us to Jan.  Truth or Dare?  Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Oh, so you're not gonna play?  She's not playing.
She's not playing the game.
Check please.
No, you were not stupid.  Gould was stupid.  Right?
You know?
It's true.
Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised.  Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'.  I know this place.  I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have.  It's home, you know?  I know the challenges this county's up against.  Here's the thing about those discount suppliers.  They don't care.  They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
It's bad.
It, you know what, it really is.
Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?
[waving to Christian]  See ya.
We did it!
Nailed it.  Nailed it!  Come here.
What!?
Goin'. Ok.  Where we goin'?  Doesn't matter.  Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok.
Morning, Pam.  Hey.
No, nothing happened.  I-I swear, nothing happened.  What, I'm, totally being serious.  A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all.  It's off limits.  Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while.  It was great.  I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm.  So.
Hello, Dwight.
Who.
Uh, no, no, no Gould.
This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
And she is a woman.  She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman.  And you know what?  I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera]  Jan, I defend your honor.  [to Dwight]  Is that all?
I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR.  My question: do I do it as the man?  Does she do it as my superior?  I don't know.  That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship.  It's, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me.  Hello?  Hi!  Just talking about you.  The camera?  No.  Uh huh.  How's traffic?  I miss you.  What.  Ok.  Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake.  No. [to camera]  Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm.  No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have.  Right.  No.  Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people.  Only other people.  Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me?  Excuse me?!  [to Jan] I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no.  I didn't slip you something!
Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly?
Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet.  It's, it's kind of unique.  It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese.  And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing.  You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth.  I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore.  Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know!  But you know what?  It's perfect.  I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what?  Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing.  The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea.
[throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin.  Cannot be around carbs today.  You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs?
Uh huh.
Conflict!
I have a conflict with that.
Uh, I have a pajama party.  At the Playboy Mansion.  With the bunnies.
I can't get out of it!
Ok, alright.
I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed.
Meeting confirmed.  Would you like your confirmation number?  Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once.
42897.  Ok.
What is a closer?  A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done.  And that is me.  A B C, always be closing.  Glen Garry, Glen Ross.  "Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads."  "No way, they're just for closers."  "Do you know who you're talking to?" "I'm Michael Scott."  "Really?  Well, take any lead you want."  "No thanks, I don't need 'em."  Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer.  [sighs] So suck on that.
Pam, could I see you in my office?
Pam, you're trustworthy-
And a woman-
And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you.  I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews.  I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon."  First impressions?
My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced.  Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing.  We just sort of got caught up in the moment.  The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager.  Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason.  It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue.  Was not professional.  Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is.  But this was mutual.
[playing Jan's message] "I guess I missed you." I guess I missed you.  So, she misses me?
But then she goes on to say "that will be our only topic of discussion".  That doesn't mean anything, those are just words.
Ok. Yeah, what, what?
Ohhh, great.  Well, now I'm in a terrible mood.  Let's do your performance review-
Ah, why, that's great news?   That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?
Oh, wow, wow.  Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] "Michael, it's Jan.  I guess I missed you".
Really?
God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that?  Did you learn that on the streets?  Sorry.
No kidding.
Good work, Stanley. Great performance review.  Stanley in the house, everybody.  Woo!  Angela, your turn.
Yeah?
Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.
Interesting.  Jan is calling me.  Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah?
Jan!  To what do I owe this pleasure?
Well, hello to you, too.  Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.
Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's.
Oh.
Been thinking about you.
Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just-
Yep.
No.  
They are not.  Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up]  That's my girlfriend.
Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do.  I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas.  Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down?  In a folder?  A "Michael-idea" folder?
That's unfortunate.  How 'bout the suggestion box?  There's tons of ideas in there.
The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously?  Maybe there's prizes?
Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them.  Hello, everybody?  Yeah, uh, attention, please.  Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p.
What did I say?
Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K?
Hi, Jan.  How are you?
Good to see you.
Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office?  We're gonna go in here.
Yep, right after you.  Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls.
Alright [takes Jan's coat].
It's nice to see you.
Really?
Oh, well.
Alright.
Yep.
Absolutely.
I'm a little confused.  'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy.  And then it's like all regret.  Because "Oh, I regret that."  But, "Wait, I'm still gonna call you."  But, but, "We're just gonna talk business.  And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job."  But what were talking about when we first kissed?  Business.
No, no, no, I finished all of that.  I'm very fast.  I'm not too fast.  Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am.  But I do say thank ya ma'am.  But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam.  Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam.  If it's consensual.  [cold Jan stare]  We're talking about office stuff.  Can I ask you a question?
This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise.
Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy.
I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on.  Sorry. [answers]  Yes, Pam.
I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
I did not, not, not use those words.
No, it's in like ten minutes.
Why are we here?  Because I value your opinions.  Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do.  I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing.  Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers.  Alright.  Number one: "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. [to Jan] That happens occasionally.
And, um, one down.  Next suggestion: "we need better outreach for employees fighting depression".  Ok, alright, enough with the jokes.  Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it?
Tom.  Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Oh, that guy?  That guy was weird.  Alright, next suggestion.
Arrr, dooby dooby do. "You need to do something about your B.O."
Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion.  Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words.
Was I, Creed?!  Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank.  Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of.  Ok?  Now that we've learned this, let's continue.  See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out.  "You need to do something about your coffee breath"-
Ok.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.
Yeah, is that hard for you?  Alright, well-
I'll work on that-
Let's keep going.  Keep it going.  Yep.  What do we have here?  We have somebody's piece of gum.  Somebody put a piece of gum in there.  This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company.  This is not a place for gum.  I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow.
Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion.
"Don't sl-", ok, that's blank [Dwight picks up note] Don't, just put it-
I don't understand why you're so upset.
Let me ask you-
Ok, let me ask you this.
Let me ask you something.
Where did you get your outfit?
I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Look-
Oh my God... 
What do you want Dwight?
Ok, great.  Your performance has been adequate.  You may leave; goodbye.
You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave.  
Why on earth would we give you a raise?
You do?  How do you get in?
That is a serious offense. Very serious.  As is toying with a man's heart.
Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?
That was deer!? Gross, oh!
Oh, did not!
What do you say, Jan?
Ok. You just, uh, clear your head.
That's from Superman?
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?
Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?
Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?
I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?
Am I too short?
Really?
I appreciate that, thank you.
No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-
So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now.  And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am.  And that is all I needed; I'm good.  I can go home now.  
Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight?  
Never missed a day, my ass.
Oscar, I'm ready for you.
So...
Um, you're in accounting...
So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more.
All right.
Yup.
Absolutely.
"I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period." Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask?
Yes, it is.
Yes, I did.
Hell, yeah.
Yeah.
What?
Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but...
Um, yup, wait, yes.
No, there... Later there was.
Yes.
I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing.
Let's just push on, shall we?
It's next. Just keep it. "Look on the supply shelf." What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you?
 Okay, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this?
All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley?
Christ Almighty.
All right, next suggestion.
"Don't..." Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just...
Well...
Crystal.
How pleasant. You can...
Okay, I think we're good.
Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband. 
Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get?
Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did.
Never...
Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding.
Nothing, I just...
Nothing.
No, I did not.
Maybe I did. Maybe I  called him, I don't know.
I...
I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me.
Ex-husband, you have to let it go.
What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot.  
It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania.  [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.  Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights.  Pretend you're not here.
There's no time to think about if this is real.  Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door]
The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected... 
Oh... 
Oh, umm... [looks at Post-It on computer]
Yes.
AH! Guh-oood.
Please don't do that.
I can't tell you.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok?  I'm in the best shape of my life.  Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr!  That's strong!
I'm not going get a brain-
Stop it.
Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok?  Why don't you just go... away?
There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees.  His salary, that would depress them.  His bed, it---  And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.  
So how do you search?
Try "profits".  No! Try "Michael Scott".  "Michael" "boss" and "funny". [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow!  [chuckles]  E-mail from Stanley. Stanley,  Terribly nice guy.  [reads e-mail]  "Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late."  Well, Stanley's an ass.  Not one of our harder workers.
Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy!  What other ghost stories do you have for us?  That I'm a robot? [robot voice]  I will destroy everything in my path-
Beep! Bop!
Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk.  [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can.
Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.
You know what the problem is?
The problem is that when people hear the term "big brother", they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.
Meredith has an E-vite from Jim.  Barbeque at Jim's tonight.  Tonight?  Wonder where my e-vitation is.  Click on guest list.  Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed.  Must be... .[scrolls down list] No.
There's always a distance between a boss and the employees.  It is just nature's rule.  It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me.  I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys.  But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
Of course.  Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of.  Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles.  This is a meal in a cup.
Hot, tasty.  Reminds me of college.  Lived on this stuff.  Brain food.  Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college?  The parties.  Everybody'd go.  The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.
Yeah!  They were the most fun.  We always invited them.
Hey there.
Almost quittin' time.
One more hour.  Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out.
You have plans.
I do, too. I do, too. 
I do, yeah. Big plans.
Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no.  Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-
Yeah.
It's the best.  It's the best.  I would not miss it for the world.  But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
It is. Ok.
[someone coughs] What?
Hey, Pam.  Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?
Alright.  Oscar, got big plans tonight with-
Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight?  Where are you off to?
Ok, alright.
Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy.  Where you rushin' off to?
Yeah, well duh.  Where ya headed?
Liar!
You are a liar.
Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre.  You and I are hangin' tonight.  The two of us.  We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood.  You know what?  Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.
That's, whatever stupid show you want-
To watch tonight
We're watching it.
I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
You, too, Dwight?
[In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter'] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.
[fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn.  I'm with the FBI.
Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life?  Somebody has a gun. [gasps]  That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't.  
Boom!  Freeze!  Michael Scoon, FBI.  You know what you did.  Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor]  Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you?  Didn't ya!?  Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds.  I been on to you and your little friends for weeks.  [another actor steps in]  Boom! Boom! Boom!
Boom! Boom!
Boom! Boom!
Why 
Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.
Boring.
I could of-
Ok.
Yehhhehh.
I'm in.  
No, no, no.  I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
What are you... [whispers to Bill]
Nothing.
Good, it's good.  Good work, everybody.
So Bernie's, huh?  We're all going to Bernie's? [to camera]  Go to Bernie's?
Right, right, right.  Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party.  A big office party I need to go to, so...  Can't get out of it.
Ok, see you later.  Nice job, Bill.  Not.
Wow!  Who opened the morgue for this thing?  I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in.  [to Jim] There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it.  Here ya go Temp, take my jacket!  [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy?  He is a good guy, not a terrorist.  Karaoke, I love it!  I am a karaoke fiend.  I call dibs. I got next, I got next up.  Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok?  Where's that wine?
Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam?  You wanna come up and sing this one?  Need somebody else.  Takers, please.  [singing]  Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly?  Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb.  I was soft inside, there was something goin' on.  This part goes to the, uh, girl.  You do something to me that I can't explain.  Hold me closer and I feel no pain.  In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on.  Tender love is blind---
We're making love!
Talk! Just talk!
Shut up!
Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv.  The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says "Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." [giggles]  And that was an improv.  Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.
Um... 
Nope, nope.  I actually wear a turban sometimes.  Wanna see it?
Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban]
Comedy; it's funny.  It's Johnny Carson, Karnak.  It's, um, put it back.  Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land?
Oh. You were forbidden.
Alright, I'm gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee.  Do you want some coffee er-
Or some tea or hummus or something?
Should have done this a long time ago.  Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters.  Uh, uh huh.  Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton?  Poor Richard's number seven?  Idiot.  Stupid load.  [phone rings]  Yeah.
Yeah, I'm busy right now. [hangs up]
Here's a helpful suggestion for Jim.  Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn't receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge.
It's seems like ya did though-
Jim.  Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space.  Alright, let's get back to work.
[moves chair to Jim and Dwight's desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh.
I don't know.  Just felt like taking it off.  Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don't ya think, Jim?
I don't know, same old stuff.  Same old.  Boss just been ridin' my ass.
I don't wanna talk about it.  I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys.
That's not the point.
Yeah.
Ok.
Ok yes, I would never do that.
Ha.
No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time.  This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it's what it's all about, just hangin' out.  Enjoying friends, all being the same.  Worker bees.
No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around.
I'm not a master bee.  
I'm just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin'.
Five o'clock.  Time to go get my improv on. [drinks]  Little bit of the comedy juice.  Mmm.  Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms]  That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class.  Just a taste of the improv.
I need to know... who shot Johnson!
Shut up!
I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head.
Just shut up!  I don't wanna hear anything more from you.
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!  No deal.  Not with Michael Scarn, FBI.  Michael Scarn doesn't make deals.  Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun]
She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story.
Well, you kept-
Going into nuclear something; that's not where the scene was going.
Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction.
Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that's, you should of just gone-
Well... 
I don't think there's any stronger choice than being a really strong character.
Well, it's, like, well, it's, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence,  that's... 
Exactly, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Or Ryan Stiles, something like that.
You shouldn't have been, 'cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn.  That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that's a compliment.
Good work.
I'll just throw out some suggestions.
They're in a whorehouse.
And he's a proctologist. [to teacher] What?
First sentence is: "I'm a proctologist".
Alright, I'm ready here.
 No!  That is the fun of this place.  I call everybody "faggie". Why would anybody find that offensive?
That's what faggie means!
It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!
Exactly!
Yeah, I know.
OK, a little too far, crossed the line.
I would have never called him that if I knew.  You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards".  It's bad taste.  You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded.  And I consider Oscar a friend.
Listen man, I am so sorry.  I had no idea.
No.  No it's not.  I feel terrible about it.  I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake.  If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know?  I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing.  Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime.  And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude.
 Can you tell who's gay and who's not?
What about Oscar?
Well, he is.
[deep sigh] There could be others...  I need to know.  I don't want to offend anybody else.  
Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
 Hey, what about Angela?   She's hard and severe.  She could be a gay woman.
 I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?
Do some research.  Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.
 That's ridiculous.  
 [sighs] Let's call him and get the website.
Well, they're sold out.
I watch the L Word.  I watch, Queer as F***, so...
What?  What does that even...
 Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade?  It's not like gay... shame festival.
I think Angela might be gay.  Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair?  Maybe!  Is that what this is about?
I don't kn--
Anything's possible.
[laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!
The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
 Trick question!  Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know.  Is that the right answer?
[looking at gay porn] Nothing wrong with this stuff.  At all.  This is fine.  You know what.  Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood!  I don't particularly get into this.  But uh, you know what.  I totally see the merit!  And actually... it is quite beautiful.
[yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room!  I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight!  JUST GET IN HERE!  RIGHT NOW!
 Did you know that gay used to mean happy?  When I was growing up it meant lame.  And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men.  
 We're all homos!  Homosapiens.  Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people.  I mean anybody could be gay.  Business-men.  Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants.  Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here.  However you want to do it.  Go ahead.  Stand up.  I'm doing this for you.
 Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
 Yes, that's a good point.  She has a good point.  Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law.  I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them.  So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could.  You know?  Sounds pretty good, right?
 That's great.  Congratulations Phyllis.  That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing!  [laughs] See?  Everybody has a chance!
 But still, Phyllis, in college?  Did you ever experiment with other women?  A lot of women do!
[laughing] Right!  [serious] And I take that as a compliment.
 Well, I just like to look good OK, so ---
 No, I am just coming out myself.  I am coming out hetero!
No no no.  The only signal that I am sending is:  Gay, good.
 Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen.  I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag.
 You misunderstand-- OK.  You know what, OK.  I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is.  You ready?  I am going to embrace Oscar.  You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything.  Here we go.  We are going to make a statement.  You and I are going to make a statement together.  Oscar is my friend ---
...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!
All right, um... sorry.
[sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie.  You're not faggie.  You're a a good guy.
 [embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes.  I want you to watch this.  And I want you to burn this into your brains.  Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come.  Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this.  [awkwardly kissing Oscar]  I did it.  See.  I'm still here.  We're all still here. [everyone claps]
 [Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar]  Oh come on!  Dwight!  Come on, man!
 We are not in the playground anymore.  There are new rules.  We have to be mature.  But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder.  What is love...  anyway?  Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules.  Like me and Jan.  Or Oscar... and some guy.  Life is short.  When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?
 I am glad that today spurred social change.  That's part of my job as regional manager.  But you know what?  Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed.  ...that's what she said.  Or he said.
 Oh, there's Gill.  Oscar's roommate.  I wonder if he knows?
I will do my job to the best of my abilities.
I will do my regional manager job to the best of my capability.
Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients.
Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I did accomplish. But it's not mandatory. It's something that I... wanted to do... and so it's voluntary, really. Even though she... makes me. I think she just wants to hear my voice. Because we're no longer lovers, and she's just hurting. But things are going well with Carol. I've seen her seven times in the last few months, and I'm growing very fond of her kids. Tommy, who I call Tomas, and the little girl...
[quietly] No.
Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.]
[sigh]
Hi, honey.  You holding up?
Yeah.
Oh, good. By yourself?
Aw. Well, hang in there, okay?  You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much.
Roy.
[Riding a bicycle down the hallway and singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. [Struggling to stay on] 'Tis the ... ack. [expletive] Hey! [to Pam] I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint... 
I'm looking for the toy drive box. 
OK...  Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks.
Umm... I don't know? Average kind?
Well, that is probably from the test drive.
No.
Oh, thanks. [Michael and Andy do a fist bump and explosion.]
Yes? [Pam holds up a bag] Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that. 
OK. Did everybody get one of these? 
Terrific. Good.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. [singing] I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um,  taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah.
There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello [kisses Carol] You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde. [laughs] 
Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side. 
Turn around, turn around. Come on. [making a body turning gesture]
No, you get outta here.
Yes.
Thank you. 
Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. [puts finger on her back and reaches for her butt] Berp.
That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings. 
I know.
Right.
Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart... 
And next to your kids. What?
I don't understand?
OK
No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in [making drum noise] Jamaica's largest fresh water pool. 
I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is. 
And it's all inclusive. 
Yes. 
No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over. 
I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled. 
Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's. 
Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.
Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances. 
Fine! [everybody stops talking] Have your party. Just no guests. 
Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts.
It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.
[moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?
Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?
And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to?
Take it from Toby.
Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me? 
It's all... [Pam walks away.] OK.
What are you doing? ["Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt plays]
Carol?
I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it. 
[singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again] 
This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.
All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.
Hooters?
Ah, I need my entourage [both exit Michael's office] Jim. Dwight. Ryan. C'mon, we're going to Asian Hooters. 
Why not?
Ok, feel better.
C'mon Jim, let's go.
Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'.
Dwight, just, just leave them alone please. They're on a date. They look very happy. 
Carol used to drink lattes. 
She would get this little foam mustache... 
And I used to say "Hey, got latte?" And she'd say, that's not funny. 
She totally got me. She understood that we didn't have to laugh to enjoy ---
I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I can't, OK, I'm gonna call her. I am gonna call and find out... 
I'm just gonna call her.
Nothing he's doing is cheering me up.
Oh, sure you would. Look at you, I bet you break up with a guy every hour. [Cindy laughs and walks away]
You're right. That's good. 
I don't know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party. 
Ahh, damn this chicken is good. My compliments to the chef. [points to chef] Which is you! Right? Hahahaha. Awesome! I need some meat. I want some steak. [leans over to neighboring man's plate] I see steak. 
Excuse me [tries to take away meat with chopsticks] Ah, un guard. [Fights with chopsticks and laughs] Family style. 
I don't think... I love it!
[laughing] I don't know what he's doing.
You know what we should do?
We should invite them to the Christmas party.
Oh, you are such mench my friend. [They stand up and do fist bump and explosion]
OK, where is everybody? I would like them to meet my new girlfriend. [Guys walk in with two different waitresses from Benihana's]
The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike.
Nah, you rock. Tell you what, if you want it, it's yours.
Oh. [She whispers in his ear. Michael starts to laugh] That's what she said. 
Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend. 
[whispers] The giant baby. Wow, I am so sorry, I had no idea this party would be so lame.
Oh, party in the break room! Let's go, let's go! Thank God! Let's go to the break room. 
Shhh... Shut it! C'mon! Party.
We're going to ... 
I just think there are two, two specific kinds of people in the world. People who own houses and people who own condos. [turns to reach for pretzel while Second Cindy turns other direction] And... my question to you [points and pulls away other waitress] is do you agree? 
Do you agree about what? [laughs] Wow. You're  lucky you're so darn cute. 
What're you talking about?
Andy and [singing] And if you want love, we'll make it. Swim in a big sea of blankets. Take all your big plans and break 'em. This is bound to take awhile. Your body is a wonderland. [Michael notices Cindy ride up to him on the bike and looks confused] Your body is a wonderland. 
When you know, you just know. 
Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable.
It's... it's one of those two. [points at both]
Yeah... well, it's been hard, they're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all waitresses look alike.
I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like?
Hey. Where's my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I don't know where she is. 'Cause I'm drunk, I can't even find her. 
Haha, I do! I just haven't hugged you in awhile [marks Cindy's arm with a black marker]
Oh, good. That felt good. Let's go. Party.
Hey, hey, you. How are ya?
No, no, no. Hey, you should stay because we are having fun and... 
Where do you wanna go?
I... you know what? I, OK, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica. 
You want help? OK... Merry Christmas. 
That waitress was the one. 
How can you be sure?
Don't make fun... You're making fun of me. 
I guess, I didn't know her very well. I marked her arm. 
I, I put a mark on her arm. [Both are laughing] So I could tell them apart. I don't... I know, I know. I can't believe I gave her my bike!
Oh, why do I feel like crap?
I had rebound? Yeah.
I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn't score and I'm not sure who's actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn't matter. It's all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.
[on phone] Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There's this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won't be disappointed. Umm, It's all-inclusive... 
William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Love doth be poison." Brilliant. And a lot of people don't give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes. 
No, no, no, no. You know what, I better hold off. I wanna make sure I don't dial Carol before I get drunk.
Yeah. You know what? I am. I'm gonna call her. That's a good idea. 
[on [phone] No, I don't think I'm asking too much. I think it's only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that... yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did right?
Oh, honey, here's Stanley.
He is also in an interracial relationship, so, you know, if you have any problems, you can always call him. 
Sounds good. Okay, let's go. 
Hey, mon!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax. 
Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later. 
Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back.
Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna... 
You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.
Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing. 
You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time. 
Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Inventory's at the end of December. 
I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? 
Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. 
The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.
Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.
[on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica. 
Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay. 
Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim. 
Oh no? 
OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Check it again. Hit refresh.
OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com. Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh. 
Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl? 
OK, Hey, man, how's it going? 
That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people? 
OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it. 
And you sent that out to everyone?
I have a special assignment for you.
A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."
Not important.
OK, forget it. 
Not now, not ever.
Aww, none of your business. 
That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops. 
This is probably the icebreaker you need. 
I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
OK. 
Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.
There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no. 
All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]
Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---
No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... 
My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?
Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]
Hey.
Island living. You know?
Did she say what it's about?
There are copies in the bathroom? 
All right.
Guh.
OK, yup.
I... 
I... I... Yes.
OK, yeah.
Who is Dr. Perry? I... 
And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. 
So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh... 
Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]
Jan, you... complete... me. 
I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags.
Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be.
Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office.
Me had an i-rey time.
Dwight, please, please.
I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon.
Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig.
Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there.
You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela]
Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something.
I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts!
[laughs] Try it on.
Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did.
Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja.
I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99.
Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one.
His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself.
I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal?
How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata?
I...
Oh, that's red eye.
Well...
Hey, can we just focus?
Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott.
Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay.
Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold.
[Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please.
Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency]
It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction.
Yes, good luck with that.
 Jim, could you come in here please?
Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
You know what? Get Pam.
Pam.
Oh, that is gross.
Damn it.
Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Oh.
Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you. 
Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
So that just leaves Dwight and Jim. 
Dwight?
Here ya go. [throws laundry]
Please.
Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back. 
Just bragging rights.
It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Here we go. 
Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment. 
Hawkman.
[Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting. 
Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big. 
You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency. 
I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company. 
No. 
Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it. 
Yes. 
Ah, no. Don't worry about it. 
What?
I don't know. Who knows how words are formed. 
Yes, Andy.
He didn't say.
No, you are remembering it wrong. 
Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three. 
I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]
Where were you this morning?
Why do you lie, liar?
You are lying right now. 
I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing. 
Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day. 
Good luck.
Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.
Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman... 
I said 'was'.
What does that even mean? That is impossible.
But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.
Hey, what's up.
Yep.
I don't know. Maybe.
Bathroom. 
Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office. 
Yeah, do you?
What did I say?
Huh. 
Oh, no.
No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific. 
No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one. 
Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep. 
Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?
Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight? 
Really?
Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
Nice to have Oscar back.
Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Um.
No. I don't want to do any of that.
No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Hey. 
What's up?
Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did. 
Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.
How's this place treating you?
Oh, well.
No. I'm sure.
So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please. 
We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right.
Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?
Guilty.
Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.
So does this remind you of your childhood right now?
Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's-- thanks so much.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him]
It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
Hello son.  If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead.  Life is a road---
How, would you stop interrupting please?
Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock.  And when I came to, I had an epiphery.  Life is precious.  And if I die I want my son to know the dealio.  The dealio of life.
Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.  
To jump start a car, first pop the hood.  Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine.  Then you take these and clip them wherever.   
Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
We will demonstrate on Pam.
Come on.
[Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Well you get the picture.  Thanks Pam.
And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
He's not going to be a murderer.
You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Okay.  From the top.  Ready?  Three-
Hello everyone!  As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding.  [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did.  And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one.  This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever.  It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins.  So I am instituting prima nocta.
I'm sorry.  I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes.  Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome.  A lot better than hers, that's for sure.  It'll probably be on a boat.
What's up spinsters?  
No problem.  The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse.  From 2:30 to 3:15.  It is the only time that Bob was available.  Sort of a guy's night out.  A G-N-O if you will.  A Gah-No.  Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in.  A G-A-I.  A gay.  Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys.  A guy shower.  An hour long shower with guys.  
Yes.  Yes!  Oh!  There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor]
Oh God-
No, no, no!
I can't believe you're not going to be there.  It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
You should get out of them.
It's the only time he can do it.  2:30 to 3:15.  It's going to be great.  We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie.  Going to be very delicious.
I did not order a stripper.
Um, not personally, no.
I can't get a stripper here.  Sexual Harassment.
So that's what that means.
Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself]
Gay.
Okay.  Co-ed naked strippers in this office.  For realsies.
Okay.  We are off.  Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Well get on it.  And make it happen.
[Giggles.]
[Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes?
I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Squarepants?
And you think that'd be sexy?
Oh.
Oh.  Hello!
You wearing a thong?
Hello ladies.  Who here is a history buff?  Who's a fan of buff naked?  Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?
He's in his knickers.  Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
And when they came over on the Mayflower.  Bow chicka bow.
Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them.  Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis]
Look at that.  Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.  
No.  Yes.
But I got all the foot off of it.
Guys, beef!  It's what's for dinner!  Who wants some man meat?
Well then my man meat, he shall have.  There you go.  Deliciousity.
I call shuffle.  Here we go.  [Spreads cards out all over the table]
Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here.  Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Nice outfit. 
He's right there.  There he is.
Okay.  Alright, I'll do it.  Yeah.  Lets do it.  Lets do this thing.  Yeah.  What do I?
Alright.
Okay.
Here we go.  Alright!
Not bad! Not bad!  You smell nice.  Like Tide.
You smell like Tide detergent.  Do you use Tide detergent?  Ha ha ha!  I have a girlfriend so...
Yeah she probably, yeah she would be.  You know what, okay, excuse me.  Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music.  This is wrong, this is wrong!  This is wrong!  I have a girlfriend.  And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay.  Shame on you.  Go back to work!
On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.
Really.
Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.
Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women?  Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Wow.  Thank you.  
Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.
I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
No, today at work.
Yes. I kind of arranged it.
So you don't want to end our relationship?
That is so sweet.  You are the best GD girlfriend in the world.  Do you know that?
You are.  You are.
So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep?  Ben Franklin.  And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice.  Which rhymed.  Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?
Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.
There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
How you doin'? You excited.
Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?
You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous... 
Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Here, let me... 
Just cover up that bald patch.
Okay.
You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
[in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!
Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.
This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.
[whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]
This is bull****!
Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.
I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Oh, shiii... 
Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.
Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
I will take care of that.
I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.
Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance.  One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige... 
The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance... 
is a guy that... 
he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.
No. I'm not going to... 
Ok. All right.
Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!
Come... Come on!
Dwight, just... 
Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.
OK.
[sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.
I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
We are great together. We are a great team.
Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.
Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.
You're... You're welcome.
They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]
Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you? 
Huh?
Pop quiz. 
Why is today a special day?
Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...
In business school, Kevin. Business school. 
A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us.
Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?
Will they throw their hats, you think?
A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." ... That was a pretty good line. 
I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!
We have fun. 
Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo!
Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it. 
Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel. 
So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied?
Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies. 
...And products!
Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops] 
...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.
...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid. 
Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index? 
Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here? 
...Wait, Ryan said that?
Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.
David will always beat Goliath.
Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?
Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!
Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
You heard me, pack your things.
Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex.
A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.
Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town. 
Wow! You did these... freehand?
My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much?
I don't see a... price. 
Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?
That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
What?
...Chunky. Do you want half?
Okay.
It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera. 
Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing.
Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these.
So no?
Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales.
No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are.
Don't do what I say, say what I do.
Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up.
This... You know this is a scale of one to ten?
OK. Do you want me to repeat that?
Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up.
That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK.
I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars.
Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for.
Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on... rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep.
No no no no no. Never follow, always lead.
OK.
Very good.
OK.
Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time... Yes.
How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay.
Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
And now, the chains. 
A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school. 
MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!
I will get out. Oh yes, I will.
No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.]
AHHHH!
Yes.
I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...
Alright.
Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm. 
Pam, would you smell my breath?
"Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special. 
Jimbo, last chance to carpool.
Sure? Might be a good idea.
Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.
Play some games?
I spy?
Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you. 
Hey, Buttercup.
I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...
That's what she said.
Uh, yes you are.
No problem. [doesn't turn off speakerphone]
Ok.
Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I...
Ummm... I don't know.
Maybe.
Ok.
Alright. Bye.
Beauty. Thank you sir!
Thank you. 
Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.
I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that.
Yes.
Ok. 
Hi.
Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend. 
Oh, um, potato salad.
No, it's not.
Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here. 
It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.
What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Over our love.
You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all. 
It's a heart. 
I love this woman!
Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything.  Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So...
Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Ok. 
It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them. 
Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?
I could go for an appeteaser. 
Bagel bites or something. 
Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.
David, how much did this house cost?
Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently]
Yeah. Do you have any ice?
How about some Splenda?
This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas. 
Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. 
Crazy.
Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?
What are you doing?
Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy. 
What has gotten into you?
No, no, no.
Come on, let's go back to the party. 
Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan.
No, no, no, means please don't. Please.
I'm not going to slam you up against the wall. 
You're acting inappropriate. Jan.
Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle...
You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?
Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly. 
I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces. 
I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.
Whatever.
That's all, you didn't mean it?
I love you, Jan.
 What a weird day.  I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life.  Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened.  Guess everybody has days like that.  Sometimes they're the nicest ones.  Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.
No need for consternation, everything is under control.
It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.  
No...
No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.  
Yeppers.
I don't... remember.
Yeesh...
Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Wikipedia.
Wikipedia... is the best thing ever.  Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl.  I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish]
What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]
Ok, see what I did?
By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.  
Ok, let's try another one.  Um...
Walking out of the room unexpectedly. 
It's a surprise.
Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
[gets up and begins to walk out of the room]
What?
No, what did you say?
Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
[knock on door] Yeah.  
Yes, yeah, absolutely.  Have a seat.
You know what?  Actually, let's go into the conference room.
No, you know what?  Let's stay here.  No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room.
Tactic number six.  Change the location of the meeting at the last second.  Totally throws 'em off.
Number 14, declining to speak first.  Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.  
[long pause] I am declining to speak first.
Hmm.  Ohh, Darryl.  You are a good worker, and a good man.  I just, you know, times are tight.  And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now.  
What?
No, this is a power suit.  
[Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes.  I would not make that mistake again.  
Ohh... kay.
All right.
Alright, you know what?  Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?  
No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK?  I got this out of a bin.
There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one.  And it fit!  So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit.  At the very least it's bisexual.
Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious.  And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery.
Okay.
Would you stop it, please? 
It's European, OK?  It's a European cut.
No, they don't.  See?  [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]
Italians don't wear pockets. 
No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes.
Negotiations are all about controlling things.  About being in the driver's seat.  And make one tiny mistake, you're dead.  I made one tiny mistake.  I wore woman's clothes.
Let's get down to business.  Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.  
[mumbles jibberish]
[mumbling softly] That was a very good point.
[mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument.
I am going to give you a piece of paper.  I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Because, that is the way these things are done.  In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide--- slide it, yes.
Oh. [scoffs] Come on.  Be serious.
I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much.
I don't.  Want me to prove it to you?  There is... a pay stub.
Plus perks, yes.
Fourteen years.
No, please, please...
Ok, let's take 15, again.
A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks.  It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that.
Oh, thank you.
I didn't give you $40.
Okay.  Okay, here's the straight... dope.  No tricks.  No Wikipedia.
I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
Well what am I supposed to do?
I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now.  That is ridiculous. 
[exhales] That's true.
You know what?  I should.
I have been a loyal employee for a long time.  
You know what?  I deserve a bump.
I am makin' it happen, sergeant.
No, Jan.  I've never asked for a raise in 14 years.  This is long overdue.  I wanna do it today.  
Yshhyah.  Um, yeah.  I'll leave right away.
Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Mm-hm.
Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
[talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible.  Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. 
[sighs] Fine.
Toby, come on.  Let's go.
Where?  I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer.  Come on, let's go.
Yeah.  Fine.
[imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio!  ...Chris Tucker.  Rush Hour.  I won't touch yours, by the way.
Well...
Mm, the Big Apple.
Maybe I'll stay.
Well...
[mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I...
Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.  
All right.
Who's the boy toy?
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Pippity poppity.
Six percent?  After all we've been through?
I got you... jade earrings.  
No!
No.  You gonna play it like this?  You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball? 
Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart.  This is me, Jan.  This is me!  
Okay, no, no, no, no.  You do not try tactic number eight on me.  I invented tactic number eight.  I'm not going anywhere.
Ohh.  It was a weird day.  I accidentally cross-dressed.  And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money.  And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby.  And then, your assistant, is all young and hot.  And I---
Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---
Ah, so...  All right, Levinson.  Here's the rub.  I would like a 15% raise.
But you just said 15.
Negotiation is an art.  Back and forth.  Give and take.  And today, both Darryl and I took something.  Higher salaries.  Win win win.  But you know, life is about more... than just salaries.  It's about perks.  Like having sex with Jan--
Look, I am not a gazillionaire.  I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses.  I have to stay within the parameters of my budget.  I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique.  I buy my suits the old fashioned way.  I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay.  And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier.  And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin.  And I did too.  And I grabbed this suit.  And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket.  And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war.  And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get.  And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before.  Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye.  And she got it, she got the suit.  But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit.  And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.
Today is Safety Training Day.  Toby is leading ours upstairs.  Yeauck.  But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat.  We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse.  And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
Hmm.
I can, and I have.
Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift.  [points] Pudge has driven the forklift.
I thought your name was Pudge?
Okay.  Um, her.
Ah, fine.
Yeeesh.
[barely keeping his composure] "Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!" [laughs]
Bail'er?  I hardly know her.
Yes, yes.  But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...
It's a big red trash compactor!
Okay, okay!  I got it.  I got it.  ...  Only on the rarest of occasions...
...would I go near---
Toby now has the floor...  and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life.  Let me rephrase that.  I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl.  Here we go!
Yes, good.  Fine.  Like stretching and...
Wow, that is... that time really adds up.  That's like... a half an hour, every hour?
Ok, you know what?  You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff.  Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Ok, you know what?  I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom.  [to warehouse guys]  Sorry, he is very lame.  [takes book from Toby] Um, let's see.  "Seasonal affective disorder!  A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter."
Ok guys, you know what?  I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Yes.  Okay, let's do another one.  This is a good one.  "A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---"
Yes.  "Which can contribute to heart disease."  Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...
No.
Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours.  So, I---
Okay.  ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?
Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse.  I worked in a warehouse.  Men's Warehouse.  I was a greeter.  I'd like to see Darryl greet people.  Probably make 'em feel like wimps.  Not me, I...  "Hello, I'm Michael.  Welcome to Men's Warehouse.  We have a special on khaki pants today." ... This is one example.
Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Working in an office can lead to depression.  Which can lead to suicide.  I mean this is really serious stuff.
I--- I---  Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...
Yeah... you are... ah, so right.  They had visual aids.  And all we had were the facts.  You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity.  You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.
Indubitably.
They use props.  They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.
I don't know, I don't know.  Because you know what our killer is?  Depression---
Nn--- Depression.
Yes.
You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?"  Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day.  Not!  Here's the plan.  Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar.  Only this time, where's Michael?  Oh my God!  He is on the roof!  Now I have got their attention.  I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression.  And then I say, "Hey!  You ever seen a suicide?"  And I jump.  And they freak out.  And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes.  Nice side note: They might think "Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael."  But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun.  I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da!  [Dwight nods]
Maybe we should test it first.  Letterman-style.  Throw a TV over, or...
Go buy some watermelons.
Just...
Let's do it!  Drop that sucker. 
BINGO!  WHOA WHOA WHOA!  Oh... crap.  Deactivate the car alarm.  Clean up the mess.
Find out whose car that is.  If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.
Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster.
Yes, thank you for seeing that.
I don't know if I wanna do this.
No.  No more.  The tests are going terrible.  If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump.  This is about doing, not thinking.
Rock n' roll!
That's right!  I am not thinking.
Yes!  Yeah!
Woo!
Woo!
I am ready to do this!  I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar]
[on the roof] My life!  Oh, my life...
Everything's wrong.  The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight, you ignorant slut.  Depression is a very serious illness.  Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year!  According to a 2004 study!
Yes!  My head is in such pain!  And turmoil!
Wait, where are the warehouse guys?
Okay... that's...
That's the whole point, dummy.
Okay.
Oooooh, my life!
Everything is wrong, Dwight.  The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.
Dwight, you ignorant slut.
And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!
Damn it.
What is it?
Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight, you are such a liar.  Pam, really, what is it?
You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.
What do I have to live for?
It's complicated with Jan.  And I don't know where I stand, or what I want.  The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Do you really mean that?
I'm braver than you?
I Braveheart.  I am.
Okay.  Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.
An office... is as safe as the people in it.  And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office.  That's the danger I found myself in today.  I saved a life.  My own.  Am I a hero?  I really can't say.  But, yes.
OK, come on everybody, go time. Pam let's go.
Don't worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life... Your long lovely life. [whispers to camera] saved it.
Here we go.
Field Trip.
Like we're going to the science museum.
Learn by touching.
I've been told that I'm a tactile learner.
Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you...
I...
Sum it up Darryl, sum it up.
We got beat today, Dwight.
But it was not a fair fight.
It was the warehouse guys...
... Dwight, they embarrassed us...
... because they had a much scarier safety presentation.
You know what's funny? Robin Williams. [sighs] When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what's not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. [in Borat voice] Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five... Now that's funny.
How do you make depression sexy? How do you... How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon... the conun... the conumbery
Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I'm going to show them that we have nerfs of steel. [winks]
Yeah, Drew.
You know Drew, why don't you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this?
OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right.
I'm going to wait. I don't want to say this twice, it's too painful and I'm too depressed.
I will miss you the most Ryan.
Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. [takes deep breath] Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today... And you don't worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat... And there are no roofs in coal mines.
Pam?
Did you see Oprah yesterday?
I, uh... I am going to be a father.
Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost.
I know.
Well... 
Just do it, okay?
Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?
Eight months?
I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months.
You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... 
Twenty years.
Thirty.
It's a deal.
Yesh.
Right there. Ah.
Per diem.
Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.
Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?
Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.
Yeah, do it!
Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?
Um. Okay, um.
You got that?
Write it down.
Um.
Dwight and [singing] Um, um, um... 
Hey, Josh, how ya doing?
Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns.
I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.
Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too!
Hey!
Ah.
Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules.
The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention.
Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.
I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.
That is crooked on that side.
Hey hey!
Yeah.
Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop.
Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen?
Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up.
Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet.
SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.
Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin.
You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come.
Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there?
So maybe. See ya.
Because he's afraid to fly.
Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there!
Yep. Yeah, she's up front.
I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello?
[into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please?
I need you to do something for me.
I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.
And?
Business has been pretty crazy around the office.
Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk.
I will call him later with that message.
Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?
Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.
Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip.
You're welcome.
No, that was a different hundred dollar bill.
I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening.
The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited.
Any messages for 308? All right.
Hey hey, fellers.
What's up?
Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton.
Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend.
Okay! Excellent. Oh... 
Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam! 
Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye.
You first.
Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing.
Well, let's... 
Come on!
Come on!
Fine.
Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work.
Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for.
Sorry, my meeting ran late.
Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill.
Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products.
Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.
Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend.
This is the party.
Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right.
People have been filtering in and out.
What?
Sure. You like Cosmos?
Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy?
I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just... 
I'm not better than Josh.
Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now.
I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her.
Yeah.
I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling.
Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out.
Evan, this is Jim.
Hey, Ernie, how ya doing?
Best friends.
Some people need dozens of friends to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm popular." But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly.
Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha.
Whoa. What are those stains?
Oh, God, I hope it's urine.
Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy.
[Angela enters Michael's office] Ah.
Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins.
[points to door] Right there.
Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me.
Sure you don't want to come?
Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot.
A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. "Connecticut." And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he peels out, and I [laugh] I don't make it to the car. [turns serious] Um, and the other bouncers caught up with me and really did a number on me... It was in the paper... [brightens] But to answer your question, yeah, I'm really excited about this weekend.
See that factory?
I almost worked there.
Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there.
I was going to be a bottle capper.
I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world.
Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean.
[on phone] It is disgusting.  I totally agree.  Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.
We have a crisis.  Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock.  Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing...  unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like.  I've never been a fan.
Everybody in here.  STAT.  No time to lose.  Cri-Man-Squa.  F and C, doubletime.
Crisis Management Squad.
Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go.  Any other questions?
To save time, Jim.
You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh!  Forget it.  Where is Creed?
Creed.  Quality assurance.  Your job.  I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed.  Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
We have a lot of angry customers out there.  This puts us at threat level midnight.  Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
Midnight, Oscar!  Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first.
Jim, big fire in your house.  Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper.  Went home to all the kids.
No, no, no, no.  Not good enough.  This is a keystone account.  I want you in the school.  In person.
I want you to bring a partner.
No, sweet cheeks.  We need someone who's actually made a sale.  Andy, you go.
No, no.  I need two men on this.  That's what she said.  No time!  But she did.  NO TIME!  Guys, get on this.  Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
No, Pam.  The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Here's the thing.  When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference.  Alert the media, and then you control the story.  Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you.  That's what happened to O.J.
I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology.  The press wants a story, I will give them a story.
Here is your headline. "Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client.  Some companies still know how business is done."  Okay?  Battle stations everybody, let's go, go, go, go, go, go!
OK, press conference in 45.  Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client.  Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.
And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident.  And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.  
So, let us consider this matter ended.
I know, I know you're angry.  And we are truly, truly sorry.
Well, we are extremely sorry.
We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
The watermark... it's a one time thing.
OK...
What... can I do, for you?
Well... [exhales] OK, well...  Um, wasn't really my fault.  The guys at the papermill---
The guys at the papermill--- No no no!
I'm the head of the company?!
No, I'm a regional manager---
No--- my--- OK, this is insane.  You can get out of here.  Get out!
That's insane.  We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Doesn't matter.  Out please!
Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that?
We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam.  This is just, not...
No, then Newsweek picks it up.  And then CNN does a story about it.  Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...
You're right.  It will blow over.  But it's not... going to take... a week or two.  [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for?
[Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair] OK, I think that's good.
"Hello.  I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.  By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner.  Let me tell you something.  Something from the heart.  I am not leaving this office.  It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that."
That's how devoted I am to this job.
I know.
I understand that, Dwight.
Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight?  And now we're wasting tape.  I'm gonna have to cut this all out.  Can you say cut?
So I'll know where--- 
I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
OK, ready?
Five, four, three.  "There is no way, I will resign.  It wouldn't be fair.  Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me.  Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway.  If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me.  They're trying to make me an escape goat.  If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it.  The F-word.  You have one day."
That's... they always give an ultimatum.
Good, cut?
Thought so too.
The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers.
With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective.
So we're good?
I'm sorry.
Okay.
All right. We are infinitely sorry.
You understand? You... you get this check.
The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore.
Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out.
And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos.
Are we ready?
Okay. Am I shiny?
Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net.
[clears throat] Stop it.
I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign.
What's happening?
Really? Is she OK?
OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher]
Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?  
[laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it.
Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? [everyone glares] OK. [Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper] He's back! [laughs] OK. Hmm. [babbling with his coat pulled closed] Waagh! [flashes everyone]
What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down]
Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... [laughs]
Oh, come on.  We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul.
Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher.
Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.
In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me.
Huh?
I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls -
Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable.
I... uh, well, I don't know.
[exhales] I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house.
OK.
This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight.
Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand]
Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say.
OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that.
See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?
No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation.
Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?
That is not current.
You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.
I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter.     
Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. [points to Pam] Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this.
Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything.
No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Yes.
Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
I have to know whether you're serious or not.
Ye - OK, yes.
You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. [Kelly gasps]
OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. [Pam nods] Let's go!
[Meredith parking the car] I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it - [metal scraping]
Many women are competent drivers. [scraping] OK. Come on.
All right. Hope nobody's on a diet.
You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish.
Anything you guys want. This is your time. [everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales] Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it "shmear?" Like the cream cheese.
What, um... what do you think of role-play?
Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.
I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.
Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.
[groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.
No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing.
No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. [sniffing] You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs]
OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt.
Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested.
She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
I'm happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.
Yeah, that's smart.
That sounds good too. I don't know who's right. I just don't - I don't know. I don't know.
I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.
Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.
Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. [Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret] Come on. Get in here.
Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.
Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.
Oh. Oh, no. [inhales sharply]  It's Jan. What do I do?
OK, it stopped.
Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will...
Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the... all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts]
Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?
Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail.
OK, I am really going to do this.
You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. [sighs]
I love you guys.  Now I'm getting her voicemail.
[leaving a message] Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. [Jan walks in] OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later.
Thank you.
Abso-fruit-ly. 
No... No...
Yeah.
Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] "... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -" [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] "who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy."
[sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. "Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.
 Love it.
Uh, yes, I am.
Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny.
 The a cartoon that goes with each article.  This one says Mel Karmazin?  I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it.
 We should really start recycling.  
 Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep?
 Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman.  I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see.  And, um, it's uncomfortable.  So maybe I do understand.
 I got shotgun.  Damn it.
 Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!
 Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you.  Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section.  Just show off the twins a little bit.
 Idiot.
 I learned a lot about women today.  And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool.  Because they are un-understandable.  Jan and I broke up. Why?  Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail?  But that is her peariagative.  I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves.  
Ughh... Blech.
Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying...
Right there. [Michael points to computer screen.]
Maybe.
Not it. I don't have eggs.
That's possible.
Uh-huh?
The CFO? Ohh...
OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK.
To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?
And Gromit. [David sighs] Jan? Is Jan there?
Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes...
...you just gots to get your freak on.
Yeah.
Hmmm.
Really?
Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say.
May God guide you in your quest.
OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half.  I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus.  
Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Well, you can't swim in leather pants. [laughs] I'm just yankin' your chain.  Not literally.
Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going. 
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here. 
I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck.
Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you
We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me. 
What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head. 
I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright?
This way to the partay bus. 
Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.  Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities.  Funtivities!  And there is a special secret prize for the winner!
Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off.
Well, [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down? 
Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't...
Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you. 
Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. [Gets off bus] Watch out for snakes!
Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. [motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor.
Just words. Inspiring words. [under breath] Not a contender. [out loud] For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley.
Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.
Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.
I'm not playing.
Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.
We are going to choose team names. Dwight?
Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?
Then I will name your team the Red team. 
I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America. 
Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic.
Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him. 
It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist. 
Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready? Set. Go! [contestants start walking]
[off screen] Pam...you're missing things. [shakes off hand and starts writing in notebook]
Okay Pam, I have another little project for you.
Smart as a whip! Yes! [holds up hot dog packages] These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it.
Like umm...[looks at watch] ten minutes?
Thanks a bunch.
A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success.
OK, who's hungry [Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth] No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest. [sighs at the table] For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so each and every one of you could break that record. So shoot for the stars, OK? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set.
No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready?
Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Pleeeeease... Let's just... OK, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat!
No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.
Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize.
I can't say. 
The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world.
The winner of today gets my job. Ok? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate. And they're only interviewing a handful of people and I'm the most qualified and I'll probably get it. Alright? 
I didn't want to tell anyway. I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don't know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up. 
[points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating hot dog] There we go. Let's see it.
Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs!
13 hot dogs, everybody!
It's very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens. 
Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It's alright.  It's alright. Here we go. 
Aaaaaand, go!
Nice, Stanley!
One. Two. Three. 
Excellent!
I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points? 
Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook. 
Please just check. 
What does a great manager need most of all? Courage. 
Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE!
Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals. 
No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score. 
Pointless.
Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up. 
Ji.. why not? C'mon. 
You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager. 
Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today. 
Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill.
Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. [clears throat, breathes noisily] The mind has to wrap around the foot. [exhales] Okay. 
Yes. Count to three, please. 
Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one. 
Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three? 
Okay. 
Don't, don't. 
I'm not going to give it to you. 
Being the boss is also about image.  I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. "Outside Hire."
Yeah.  Ummm, hmm... True.  Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor. 
God! He's a comedian. 
Who's Amanda Bynes?
Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope.  So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got. 
You are being too modest. 
Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us. 
That is a very, very funny story. 
Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background. 
WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA! 
So we have about an hour and a half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the party bus. Fun on wheels. Only way to travel. Besides a monorail.
No. No, no, no. No guests today. Classic gang only. Just us good friends, and Karen and Andy.
Pam, you broke up with your boyfriend and then kept working together. How did that work out?
Acrimonious.
This way to the party bus. Good.
It's a bus that takes you to a party. Here we go.
Here we go. Come on. Okay, everybody here?
Then, Mr. Driver, we are off like a herd of turtles! Johnny Carson. [Meredith runs to catch up to bus with her large drink cup]
Nothing.
No.
No!
No.
No, we are not.
You are really annoying me. If you don't knock it off...
...I'm never gonna tell you anything ever again. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
No. We're only 10 minutes from the lake.
Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor.
Any questions?
Yup.
Yes, for dramatic affect.
Very good, Jim. Pam, please note that Jim is very astute. All right, are we ready?
Set!
Go!
[sighs] Okay. Pam, who came out best in the race, in your opinion?
Because he wasn't following the rules.
But they didn't complete their task, Pam! If people can't carry an egg in a spoon, blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report, or conduct a business call?
Exactly. Are you sure you're doing that right? Taking an awfully long time.
Okay, all right.
It's very important that you all try to eat as many hotdogs as you can...
Son of a bitch. God! Okay. All right you know what? Here we go. On your mark! Get set!
No mustard! No mustard! Just... eat it. Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it will slide down your gullet more easily.
No, no, no, no, not that--- just... come on, you guys, let's do it! I'm serious. Who's got the hungry?
Who's got the hungry?
Come on, Ryan...
Ryan, I want to see you with a hot dog in your mouth. Right now. 
[Dwight and Stanley are in sumo suits] Ready! Go!
You? You haven't made a sale.
Don't try to flirt your way into this. Sometimes you really creep me out.
Andy Bernard is in first place with four hot dogs!  Dwight Schrute is a close second with three and a half!  Here comes Stanley!  Here comes Stanley, with three hot dogs!
This is an inflatable sumo suit. [blows] Now, in the olden days, when they wanted to find a guy who could be king, they would have him pull a sword out of a stone.  Well, times have changed. [blows] And it's not even about who is the best sumo wrestler.  It's about who is the best boss.  And I don't even care who wins. [blows] It's how they wrestle in a blow-up suit... [breathes in] that will tell me all I need to know [blows] or how sumo... [collapses]
[at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David!
Are we all set? 
Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello. 
Thought I'd catch a show. 
Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job. 
Um, how many people are you interviewing? 
Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?   
Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge? 
Ah, great. No further questions. 
Okay. 
And I'm really looking forward to working with you. 
I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late. 
[knock on door] Yeah. 
Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute. 
Okay. Uh...
Uh, okay. 
Stop crying.
Ohhhhh...
Why so you can do it? 
No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know?  Convoys are really fun.  Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger... 
Moon each other. 
All right.
Your loss.
Cruise control. 
There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks. 
No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me. 
No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo.
Yes, I...
I have to buy another place.
I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid.  Sold in record time. 
Who is D. Abramson? 
Why... are you here?
I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you.
Why privately?
Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of. 
Okay.
Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem. 
Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen. 
No. She's an alternate.
So, how you been? 
Good. 
Yeah. 
Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages. 
Hmm.
Sound good. Sounds fun. 
Hmm..
Would you excuse me for a second? 
Defcon twenty.  She wants to get back together. 
I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please...
No, no. What do I do? 
What if she makes me?
She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do. 
I wasn't. 
You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together. 
Wow. 
I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you. 
[walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged]
Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out. 
Yeah.
First got priorities.
Let's get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs]
No.  No, no, no, no.  I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job.  Excuse me, boob enhancement.  That would be shallow.  And this is the opposite of shallow.  This is... emotionally magnificent.
[holding Jan's breasts] Remarkable.   
Wait, wait. Check one more time. 
Very good [Jan nods]
Yes, indeed. 
So, I guess we're getting back together. 
Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger. 
Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life.  She treated me poorly.  We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman.  Love is a mystery.
Hey, everybody.  The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado,  [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck. 
[exhales] How are you guys doing?  Need anything?
I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names.  If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me.
That is Beardy.
Mm-hmm.
No, no, no, just... that's not his real name.  That's just what I call him, so...
I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing.  Jim and Karen are here, which is cute.  They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered.  Except daddy... is the best actor around.  Daddy is Meryl Streep.
 Hey!  Hunter!  Wha's up my brutha?  This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.
Jan in yet?
Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?
Just say, "I want to squeeze them."  It's code.  She'll know what it means.
Oh, and Hunter?  Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the "motorboat" noise] "Brbrbrbrbr!" also?
[knocks on door] Hello, hello!
Good to see you.  Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are?  I work too hard.  I care too much.  And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths.
Thank you.
I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin.  I was thinking we could name the company something like, "Paper Great.  Where great paper is our passion.  We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!"  I don't know, could be good.  Or, uh, "Super Duper Paper.  It's super duper."  I don't know, something like that.
Okay.
Thank you.
It is always a treat when our paths cross.  So, oh!  Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together.  So... I may need to fill out one of those love documents again.
Yes.  And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals.
I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?
Hey.
Pretty good.
Could have gone better I guess.
Cool.  Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Daaah, let's just run away together.  Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow.  You have some savings right?  You could pay off my debts.  It would... be fine.  We'd have fun. 
I can't tell you.
Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan---
Hey!  You're  unstable!
No--- We're all unstable.
David, I did not tell her.
So, I am gonna... give her a ride home.  Let me know about the job.
Good, I'm glad we're on the same page.  I have a lot of ideas for new directions.
You know what?  That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job.  That's not being a good boyfriend.  So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration.  Do you accept my withdrawal?
Good.  Very good.  I'm glad we are finally on the same page.  Still have my job in Scranton, though.
Good.  That's all I ever wanted.  These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them... excellent candidates.
I know.  I know, I'm sorry about that.  That was terrible.
Well, it's... [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK.
[whispers] I don't know.  [normal volume] Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo.  I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
[in the office, imitating the terminator] I'll be baaaaack!  And I am baaaack!
No.  No, Pam.  I'm baaaaaack!  For gooood!  Kevin Nealon.
Everybody, may I have your attention please?  It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job.  I know, I know, I know.  "Michael, what are you thinking?  You were a shoe in."  Well, got down there.  I nailed the interview.  And the strangest thing happened.  Why is my office black?
That's stupid.
You shouldn't have taken it.  Bad management!  Good thing I'm baaaaaack.  [laughs] Ryan, coffee.
No, it's for me, bimbo.  Kids.  
So I'm back.  And I am never, ever going to leave.  I am going nowhere.  This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones.
[to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin' on that coffee.
Well, [clears throat] I've actually done a lot of thinking about that.  And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids.  And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth.  And, because it's the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day.
Well, I don't know what it's gonna be called, but... my point is, the future of this company is now.  And the future... is me.
 Jan got fired.  And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend.   But more than that, I realized that... I couldn't take a job that would take me away from this place.  This is where I belong.  This is... my home.  And home is where the hardest.
Heart is.  That makes a lot more sense.  You think they'd help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not!
New York real estate.  I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon.  It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home.  It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom.  I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he's a sophomore at Queens College.  He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so... free food, and the place always smells like curry.  So, win/win. 
[waiting on Pam to be done with the microwave] Ahhhhhhhhh. [whispering loudly] I'm hungry.
Movie Monday!  The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!
Let's gooooo! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Alright, everybody here?  Yes.
Yes pleeeeease!  Thank yooouuu!
Entourage!
Kevin, would you like to do the scenes from last week?
Don't whine.  Get the window. [Dwight exhales]
Previously on Varsity Blues...
[Jan walks in on Movie Monday] Hi Jan!  Hope you brought the Milk Duds!
People work faster after...
No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Ok.
Ouchy.
Three hours, wow.  Have fun.  [Dwight walks away staring through the blinds at Michael]
Hi.
Oh.  That's nice.
...what?
...you were at the dentist?
Ok.
 What was Dwight thinking?  That he could turn Jan against me?  She's my ex-lover!  ...ish.
Hey Dwight.
Do you want an M&M?
No seriously.  You should have an M&M, they're really good.  
They're good, huh?
Hey.  I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put in.
Sounds like a good dentist.
What's his name?
Your dentist's name is Crentist.
Huh.  Sounds a lot like dentist.
Let me see your teeth.  Let me see 'em.  Let me see 'em.
You should... floss.
[exhales] Well then... I am glad you're ok.
Business is like a jungle.  And I... am like a tiger.  And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick.  Does the tiger fire the monkey?  Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch?  [smiling] Pun.  There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head.  We don't have the technology.
Dwight, can I talk to you for a second? 
[in Michael's office] Wow, this is tough.
 Ohhhh.  Arrrgggh!
Well, I just got off the phone with Jan.  And um... she demoted me.
 Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!  
And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that um, I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
I know.  I told her I didn't know whether you'd wanna do it... because you've always been so loyal to me.  You've been my most trusted ally.
Yep, I did.  I did.  But I think... you should do it. 
[exhales] Perfect, well, we're settled.
All right.  Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I... am assistant regional manager.
Ohh..
[muttering] Can't you?  That's so nice.
Well... I guess we should go tell the troops.
Hey, hi, hello.  Everybody, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.  I... am being replaced, as your leader, by Dwight.  
You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that.
Because, Dwight... never lies.
Because that's all it takes.
Ok, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody... about loyalty?  
Oh, I'll be fine.
No, no, I don't, but---
I... won't.   I won't.  
Well, I guess it's time, that I turn over the keys, to the famous Sebring.
It's a corporate lease Dwight, you've earned it.  
What?
But you said you liked it.  You've always admired it.
[Michael finally breaks] Take it back.
That's my car.
THAT'S MY CAR.
I know, Dwight.  I know.  I know.  I know.
Jan called me about your little meeting!
I know, what you did.  I made the whole thing up, Dwight.
Oh do you?  Do you like the Sebring--- HOW DARE YOU?!  How dare you, Dwight?
Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!
Not.  Good.  Enough!
I have a laundry machine!
I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
You can get up.  Get up. [Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips] And you can hug it out, bitch.  [Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace]
Hug it out, bitch.  That is what men say to each other, after a fight.  They hug it out, and doing so, the just... let it go.  And walk away.  And they're done.  Not a good idea to say that to a woman however.  I have found.  It doesn't translate.
 Yep.  Yeah, we hugged it out.  But, it turns out, I was still a little angry.  So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, [cut to Dwight standing on a box with "LIAR" written on a piece of paper hung around his neck, Dwight's head hung in shame] and I'm making him do my laundry for a year. 
Okay. [Jan leaves Michael's office; Dwight enters]
It is not your business, Dwight.
What do you know about management, Dwight?
I'm not firing anyone.
... What?
Okay. Here we go. Everybody, you know what? It dawned on me we were all in there watching a movie together before we were so rudely interrupted, Let's get back in there. [no takers] Come on. Movie Monday! Come on, Stanley let's go.
Ryan?
Okay, well, we had scheduled this time to watch a movie together, so I guess I will just go play some online Scrabble.
So, she sleeps with him, but she is still in love with the head surgeon, um, the McDreamy guy, and she starts crying, but the dorky doctor, he's in love with her... [phone rings]
Really?
Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?
Oh, it's okay, I'm going down.
All right, I'll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs]
[hands Ryan pencil]  There you go.
You're welcome.
Don't mind if I do.  See you in a minute.  [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk]
There you go, fresh from the warehouse.
There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
[breathless] All right.  Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee]
I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys.  Gotta keep the troops entertained. 
[sighs] All right.
Oookay.  Let me see if I have his cell.  Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan?  Or does somebody miss me?
Oh, wow.
Attention, everybody.  I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first.  My old boss Ed Truck has died.
Yes, I am.  It's very sad.  Because he was my boss.
That's right, you worked with him.  So did Creed.  Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by.  Cheer me up.  
So did you hear the news?  
Yeah.
Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really?  It's... pssssh... .  He was almost 70.  Circle of life.  
[holds out arms to Pam]
Yeah.  Mmmmmm.
Yeah.  Must really have you thinkin'.
The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die.  You knew that.
What?
Oh my God.
That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry.  Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.
[clears throat] So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this... 
What are you doing?
I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck.  And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him.  And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.
I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here. 
You really don't get it, do you?  You don't understand these people.  That is the last thing that they would want is a day off. 
[thoughtfully] A statue.  
Yeah.
Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him. 
We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move... 
I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Life-size.
Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.
Mm hm.
Oh do you?  You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.  
But Ed truck can't because he is---  
 DEAD.
That's perfect.
Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was?  If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception.  Probably get on Pam.
What?
Well, you know what?  I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it.  He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham!  His cappa is detated from his head!
Well, you know what?  There's something wrong with you.  There is something wrong with everybody in here.  Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!
There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad.  And that's   hard.  And it's making them all angry.  And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance.  And if not acceptance, then just depression.  If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.
I am going to throw you this ball.  When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged.  Let me just start.  Let me show you how this works.   I catch the ball.  I lost Ed Truck.  And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone. 
Okay, fine.  Hurry back.
[as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start.  Um... 
Yeah.  Pam, you're a member of this family.  So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?
Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else. 
[returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley.  Come on.  Your turn, you have to go.
Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Wow.  If you wanna cry, that's okay.
Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Wait a second.  That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game? 
All right, we're starting over. 
You are not leaving.  No!  We are not done.
Yeah.  Well, you know what?  The guy who had my job has died.  And nobody cares!  And he sat at my desk. [breaking down]
How do you know?
That that bird was dead?  Did you check its breathing?  
Was its heart beating, Toby?  Did you check it?  No, of course you didn't.  You're not a veterinarian.  You don't know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying]
[seeing bird] Oh, God!
Oh my God!  Oh my God, come on ... 
Oh shhhh--oot!
No, he's not.
No, he's not. [cradling bird next to face]
Well, you can't get diseases from a bird!
We don't know if it's dead.
Attention everybody.  This will only take a second of your time.  Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.
Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith.  But that is what you do when things die.  You honor them.  Toby killed this bird.  And now we are going to honor it.  
No, no, no!  That's enough!  You know what?  This bird is dead.  He died alone.  The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him.
It's okay.  It's okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show.
What are... What are you doing?
No, God, no it's not!  What is the matter with you?  Is that the beak!?
Glad you could all make it.
Dwight, do you have the box?
You made this?  Wow. [impressed] That's... that's very nice.
Yes.
Shhh.
Society teaches us that  having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. 
Oh, wow. He...
Does his family know?
But I'm the first in the office?
Okay, yes, sure, I will do that...
...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up]
Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad.
I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace.
What was that, Kevin?
No, you said something, didn't you?
You think that's funny.
You are disgusting.
No, that can't be right.
Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it?
You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice.
Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met.
No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay?
I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, "Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?" These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats.
Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said.
I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, "I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private." Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball.
[in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the "head" of the Truck comes off]
That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig.
Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging]
Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?
Uhhh... nothing. 
Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?
I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?
Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base. 
Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too. 
Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me.
[looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on.
Uh huh.
[Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?
No, I think you're cutting in line.
No, I'm not going to settle down.
Get in the back please.
Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right. 
No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind. 
I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel.
Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown. 
Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back. 
Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
Thank God. 
Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?
All right! Thank you!
Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?
Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second...
Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you. 
And I will be taking questions. 
Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much! 
Hey, what time is it?
AM or PM?
Oh, good.
Oh. Koselli. With the Jello. 
Yes. Right. Good. 
Goodnight!
Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out.
Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it.
Yes, big if.
A woman spurned.
I always do.
If you lay a finger...
Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on.
"9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: log. Lost log. Found log." "10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points." That's on the wrong page.
Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that.
What makes them so good?
I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth.
Nice dress, Ryan.
[laughing] OK.
Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.
How come you didn't get me one?
Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. 
It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. 
Wha? Really? You should! It's fun.
I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol. 
Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on. 
Kelly?
Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'.
Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.  Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... '
Okay. Spoiler... alert. 
Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from? 
And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before? 
Thank you, Kevin.
Well, I find it beautiful.
No... 
No, You're not going to collect them.
No. This is delightful, charming culture.
My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight. 
[points at woman] What does that look like to you?
No one's even going to notice.
Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.
I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions... 
Oh, yuck. [spits out food] 
No. These s'mores are disgusting.
Do you think they have any s'mores?
All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?
Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?
Wow.
Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet!
She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks!
I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband. 
What do you say?
I didn't hear you. [laughs]
[lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay.
No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic... 
Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much.
Yes.
Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.
All right. Good night.
Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow.
That's so spicy.
Oh. You waiting for a call?
Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
I was in that marriage arena, though.
Yeah. Uuuuh... well.
We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her]
What are you doing?
I'm... what? I didn't
[scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home?
These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'.
Sorry.
This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a  happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!
How do I explain this to Jan?
Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less.
An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please?
Hello, Jan.
Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party.
What is Diwali?
You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween---
---rolled into one.
I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in...
... customer service is a Hindu person.
And.
Yeah.
You do?
Oh, I dunno about that.
For Kelly, that seems a bit much.
[hangs up]
Yeah, you should see her naked.
I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, "Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks," and she's like "I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication."  And I'm like, "Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night." And she's like, "What the hell are you talking about?" And I'm like, "I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof..." [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party.
And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan.
Yeah?
So, any questions?
There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
[singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.
Yes.
I don't understand.
On whom's authority?
What?
You're welcome.
Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Oh... [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.
Well...
Oh, you gotta be... Josh?
Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?
It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
Pictures. Memories. [Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk] Look at that. They grow up so fast.
Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.
Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.
Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...
Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make?  We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.
What?
Do I have any messages?
Ok, ok...
[facing the whole office] Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.
You knew about this all along, didn't you?
Traitor. You are a traitor.
I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.
Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs]
I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.
So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...
Awesome.
This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.
All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. [Looks at  Dwight] Let's go.
Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.
Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.
No... way.
No. There's no one else.
Okay, okay. Um...
Why?
You sent him cards? You never met him.
Okay, this is it. [runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight] This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like "Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person." It's very dramatic.  Although, I can't say I was a big fan of  'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.
I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
All right.
Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.
[no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that.
Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?
Don't touch me this time.
Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?
[takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie]
The office.
No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.
Anything?
What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?
[pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.
That was hilarious. The foam ...
Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good.
Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one. 
God, Dwight!
What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car.
Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!
What?!
We did it? We did it.
Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight's]
Yeah, baby!
We did it!
How did we do it?
I don't understand.
Here... Who's here?
Yes, please.
Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Okay.
My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales]
Who's next?
Andy Bernard.
Saint Bernard.
What?
I'm not... 
I'm not firing somebody on the first day.
Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league.
Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here. 
You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So...  As far as I'm concerned, [holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] this says 'World's Best Dad'.
Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name? 
Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. [laughs] Okay.
Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later.
Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. [to Tony] All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy.
Welcome.
Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader.
Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?
Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Oh.
They are nifty! They're nifty gifties.
You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.
[to Jim] No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man.
[to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you.
Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not... so, your desk is... 
Right.
[talking to himself] I present the orientation video.
Not now.
I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.
I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?
Work it out amongst your selves! 
Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?
Will you?
Please?
Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please [makes drum roll noises], the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in! 
Yoko shack.
Nope, no. Guests only.
Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo. 
Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.
No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. [talks to group] Welcome. Help yourself.
Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.[talks to group] Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch "Lazy Scranton".
Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'.
So check out how we live 
They call it Scranton.
The Electric City. Scranton.
The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider.
[in video] I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food.
You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,
[on video in background] Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?
Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'.
Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I... 
All right.
Okay. 
What is that? A squid's eye or... 
How did you... 
People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences?  A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause. 
I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just. 
Ssshh stupid! Um... 
That's it!
Yes, yes! Okay!
Okay, here we go.
Andy & Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me! 
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Scuse me! Scuse me!
Andy & Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh... 
You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!
You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!
[laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.
Okay! Okay!
All right, all right, I'm on a roll.
Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them. 
Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would. 
I understand. We're all friends.
Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up. 
You know what? I'll help. I will... 
Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!
Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up.
Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here.
We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!
I'm right in your crack!
Up and over. 
Up and over. 
You've got it.
You've got it, you've got it.
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.
Easy.
Don't... 
What... 
I don't understand.
Well, we'll squeeze you in.
You can't quit! On the first day. That's [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?
My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?
Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired.
You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!
Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.
Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.
Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide. 
No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.
The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.
Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires.
Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on!
Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators. 
Yeah.
Go home, Toby. Just... 
Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. [reads note] "You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!"
No. No, no, no. No.  You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh... 
THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!
See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. [answers phone] Jell-o! 
Hi, Jan!
I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.
Yes.
But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.
What?
Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos. 
So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two. 
Uh... that I have not decided yet.
Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks.
Shut it... 
Shut it! That's... [whispers to camera] suck up!
And this is, don't tell me, Martin... Ne... Ne...Nack.
Martin Nash. Okay. 
Good. 
What are you talking about?
All right, just...
Smiles.
Good, what's funny?
Oh, nicknames, yay! Penguin power. 
Good. 
Hey, girls. What's happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle. 
Can't we all get along?  No, we can't. But here's the thing: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences?  No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can't. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration.
I need somebody to pick a card. [Dwight raises hand] One of the new people, please? Tony? [Tony walks away]
All right. Good. Thank you. [Andy picks a card] Do not look at your card. Now, I've always said that to be a great salesman is to have the ability to connect with people right here [puts hand over heart]. So to be a great salesman is to be a king of hearts. Turn over your card.
So I think in order for us all to work together well we must come together as a family and then we can all be [starts to fan out the rest of his cards facing the group showing kings of hearts] a king of hearts.
Dwight, don't, don't be a suck up.
What I want all of you [points at Scranton branch] to do is approach one of the new people and tell them the one thing that you like most about them. Who wants to start? Who wants to give it a shot?
Okay Meredith, let's give it a shot.
[clapping] Beautiful. Very good, nice.
Okay.
We heard it. 
We heard what you said. You didn't cover it at all.
[points at camera] They're gonna have... You can't say that, all right? 
[clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight's an idiot! Did you catch that or did... did the cough cover it?
[cleaing throat] You're a jerk. Dwight's a jerk!
Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute. 
Ohh. May I?
[climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from "Look Who's Talking." What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.
Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.
I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] ... I'm just kidding.
Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.
Hannah?
Kuhhhh... you are such a racist. 
Because you think he's black.
Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.
Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.
In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened.
Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people.
Good. All right. [everyone leaves]
Just... try to be cool.
Okay, are you cool, really?
Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!
Hey Martin, how's it going?
Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust.
...Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah.
Who?
Oh. Please. Colin Powell. 
Yup.
Apollo Creed.
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you. 
No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them. 
[laughs] That is awesome.
Well, we are running a business, so.
Ah. Well. That's not true.
No you would not. 
This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.
Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go! 
Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up? 
It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone. 
Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time. 
Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?
Ah. A ten inch black and white?
These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.
All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say "Boo" because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!
Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!
Internet. 
And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office. 
I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.
And I nevah got caught, neither.
Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.
The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!
No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?
Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room]
No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.
They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.
[unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!
Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black. 
Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won't be up for a few hours.
This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood]
Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK.
Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse.
Yeah.
Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
It was an accident.
No.
My lord my liege.
So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?
So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back.
Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in...
Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine.
Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine?
Ok, I have an announcement.
No.
No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.
So, like a freedom tree.
Pam.
Pam.
Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch.
Excellent!
Good work Pam.
Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.
Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel.
No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault.
No... She's in a coma.
OK... Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear.
Yeah.
Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake!
Nurse.
[groaning] I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke.
Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.
Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.
Well, just shhhh... just just...
Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.
Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just...
Sprinkles?
[sighs] Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it.
Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious.
Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?
Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?
Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects.
Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.
Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
OK.
Alright.
Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Are you sure?
What are you?
OK, 1 Sikh, and...
You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead.
Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine. 
Oh God, Rabies?
I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?
This place is so cursed.
[walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.
Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished.
Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?
Pro-Am.
A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.
Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?
Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00.
That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?
Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.
Yes.
OK. [walks away]
Alright, alright.
Shhh...
I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant.
Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore.
We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?
Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So...
Yep.
You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going?
What about a rabies nurse?
That's possible. Look into that.
Have you met that kid? He's not going to college.
Come in.
Hey, hey, hey
What are you doing?
No I didn't, just please don't...
May I enter the room?
See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.
Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that.
European offices are naked all the time.
Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so...
That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun.
Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here?
OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing.
No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said?
He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit] This is the reason we're here.
Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth?
Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands.
You got it?
OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load.
Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing.
[pulls Toby's pants down] Beow!
On your left!
I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab]
No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity!
Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do.
That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock.
[laughs] Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?
[Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. [groans]
[runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit.
[bent over] I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line]
I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just...
What do you want me to do Jim?
No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins.
That's a good deal.
Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference.
You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no!
Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that.
Hey Mer. How ya doing?
It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water.
Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share?
I'm not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I'm good.
 Did you ever think of this?  Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
 Well...
That's not...
That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting.
 I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk.  Did you ever think of that?
 Okay.
 Maybe she hit me.  You ever think of that?  She hit me?  I don't know whose fault it was.  I wasn't exactly looking at the road.
 You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith.  I'll start.  I liked her jumpers.  They reminded me of Kindergarten.  Jim?
 Hey! Okay, okay, okay,    You can just close that.
 Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off?  How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?
 I'm not going to leave until you forgive me.
[standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay.
 This office is cursed.  [sighs]  And we need to do something about it.
 Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex.  I'm just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed.  Conference room, 10 minutes.
 On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed.  On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.
 We have to have done something wrong.
 That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.
 Oscar, are you Santaria?
 Oh.  Great.  We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting.
 Yes.  It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.
 Stupid.
 Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems.  What do I look like to you, Paul Newman?  That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face.  And I make my own salad dressing.  I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian.  Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss.  I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won't do it.
 Whoa, 'scuse me!  Oh!
 Oh, slow!  Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob]  You guys are going so slow...
 Come on, I'm going backwards.
 Oh, all right!  All right!  All right!  All right!
 Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting]
 Thanks.
 Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay.  I will be paying out-of-pocket.  Um... I kinda wish I'd been hit by a car.
 Hey, doc?  You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael]  Thank you.
Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair. 
[holding up the catalog] Have you ever seen this woman? 
Hmm...
Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?
I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands. 
What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.
Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. [phone rings]
I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all. 
[to Kevin] Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up? 
I thought that you were engaged? 
Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends? 
Oh...
Yeah... ugh. She's... [gets up and leaves] you don't deserve her. Alright. 
[sitting on Oscar's desk] Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm...
What? 
Oh.
Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer? 
Oooo. Catcher or in field?
Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?
I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you're not answering the question. 
Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK! 
What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry. 
Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes. 
Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear "Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la." No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired. 
Hmm..
Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [thinks] OK, yes that would be bad. 
That would be bad.
Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves. 
Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, [Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office] don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards. 
Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. [Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.] 
Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael. 
Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please?
[under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?
Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready. 
Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm... yeah.
Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...
That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go. 
She's dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She's so young. 
Oh, God. Oh...
Try not to be so hurtful Jim.
Please, not at a time like this. [sighs]
Oh really? What's her name? Burger King? 
 I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?
No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again. 
[while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush] No, not the five families.
[still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now. 
[to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn't respond]  
[turns around to see the woman from his description] Ugh.
Is who a Michael what? 
Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK...
So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What...
Just making conversation. 
Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us? 
You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that. 
Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know. 
Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus. 
Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves]
Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me? 
Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...[walks away back to his office]
I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... [sighs] 
You're right. What do you mean though? 
Hmm.
[looking at the chair model's headstone] How did she die?
God.
She was so innocent. 
You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do? 
Oh, you move on. 
[singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off [with Dwight] and die? 
Return.
This'll be [with Dwight] the day that I died.
It is moving day.  I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm, taking a little bit of a vacation, clearing my head after Jan and I, um [Dwight puts his fingers to his head and makes a shooting noise] ssp... No, I did not kill her.  We were just at different places in our lives.  No, I thought I'd be the bigger man and allow her to stay at the condo.  She has since moved on; she is staying with her sister in Scottsdale.  Fresh outlook, and it's all good.
Oh.  What is this?
You were charging me?  I'm your friend.
There was no other guest the entire time I was here.
Okay.  All right, Dwight.  Take my money.  Go ahead.  Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction.  The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends.  Just ring me up.  Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill].
Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight, little help with the bags, please.
 So, what about you, Angela?  Do you have any single friends?
 A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or...
No, no, obviously older.
 Love.  Marriage.  Baby carriage.  Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song.  Jan and I had love.  We did not have marriage.  We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI.
 [sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly.
 Nothing.  Just hangin'.  Chillin'.  No agenda.  Would you consider hookin' me up with one of your friends?
 Yeah?
 That's hilarious.  What's her number?
 Mmm... nah, that's too young.
 Oh.
 ['Rita Klondike 507' is written on an index card] All right, time's up!  Pencils down.  Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward.
  Pammy?
 You don't have one single girlfriend? 
 I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here, just somebody to hang out with.  Just fun, healthy young woman.
 A kindergarten teacher, who is great with kids, maybe an ex-model, and now she wants to do something with her brain?
 How 'bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?
 You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn't have to be a model.  I'm not, don't rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories.  There's face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] - yes.
 Really?
 No, I am, it's all about the personality, Jim.
 Send me a picture.
 So far, these are my leads.  A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher.  It's a start.
I got gum in my hair.
This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it.
OK, let me be.
I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil.
Kill me... right now.
I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.
Smells good.
Oh don't. That's disgusting.
Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice.
[sighs]
 I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or...
Yeah.
[slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good.
Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend.
Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan]
Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.
Na?
Well you tried.
Yeah.
They sound great.
Would you have sex with Meredith?
Do you think she'd keep it quiet?
Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that...
Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan.
Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome.
Who you dating?
That's still going on?
Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls.
Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift.
I am going to go get laid. Goodbye.
That's... I, I think that...
Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative.
Place is packed.
Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall.
No, they're just hotties.
Hey.
Hey!
Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada.
Alright!
Yeah.
Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight.
Ok.
Well.
Alright!
Let's do it!
Hey, nice to meet you.
Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour.
Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries.
I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting "Back to the Future."  "Back" because it's on my back and "Future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie. 
Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course. 
Forty... I'm in my forties. 
Nuhh...
Oh, OK. 
You are welcome. 
This place is like sexy pre-school. 
I would love a place where we could meet older girls. 
Ahh, wow. That's dangerous. 
You're kidding.
I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool. 
I am a bank teller. 
Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance. 
I think so.
Yeah, I have fun. 
All right. 
Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan]
She washes dogs. 
I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom. 
Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy]
Hmm...
[on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls. 
[Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad. 
Well...
Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club]
Let's go.
I know, here we go. 
This is it. 
This is where the magic happens.
Very nice. 
Dwight, I'm the boss.
Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on. 
Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone. 
Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off. 
Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it. 
Best night ever. 
Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys. 
 You're gonna be okay, it's gonna...
 Ahh, ooh!  
 [helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on.
Here we go, let's sit down.
 All right, shhh.  Dwight, leave him alone.
 You had a rough night tonight.  But your life is very good, my friend.  You've got a great job, you... you can have any woman you want, you're good looking, you, you know...
 Frien..sss...yes, you're friends with a hobbit, and... look where you live.  I mean, you've got it all.
 No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic.  
 Well, now I can say that I went to a museum.   
 Ryan?  
 Do you ever miss us?
 Ryan? 
 Do you remember what color my eyes are?
 Dwight, I asked him. 
 Really?  
 Not just because he said it? 
 Ryan?
Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on!
Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?
M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't...
Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go!
Here we go!
Let's, yes?
Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it!
It's drying, it's drying...
Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!
Ahh come on!
No!
No!
No!! Come on, gimme something good!
Pam, translate.
I love it!
I love it more!
I... love it!! Haha, come on!
[with petroleum jelly on his face] Hurry, please.
[muffled] That's what she said.
Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole..." I dunno, it's a good feeling.
All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction...
Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.
Ener-gize...
Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?
Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?
Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme...
An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley...
Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group.
Stanley, we're havin a little...
We're havin a little brainstorm session...
...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water.
Ugh, what?
What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
That? In the conference room?
We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said "did I stutter," and I said "wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?" It was joking, Toby, alright?
Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: "Hey um, you're poor." "Well hey, you're mama's dead." That's what friends do. It's... you're so white.
Mmhmm.
Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but...
Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.
I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal.
Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool.
Uh huh...
Great
What's the pink?
Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?
Other than me.
I never said you could do that.
I...
Okay, I will think about it.
No.
Hey.
Darryl, [clears throat] have you ever been in a gang?
It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um...
I know, it's very, very personal...
I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?
God.
Okay.
Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?
What is that?
Really?
I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him.
It's like a mock execution.
Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left.
No, okay... I've had enough of you.
Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?
I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. [Stanley enters the room] Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?
Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.
Hmm.
Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.
That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?
Okay...
Yes.
That's not-
All right, all right...
Okay.
Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out.
Everybody, except Stanley.
[starts to cry] I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand.
Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.
I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, "I don't respect you!" Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some--take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!
So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?
Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.
You know, I don't care what he did to me.  He's mean to other people, that's what gets me.  He's just...
Everybody.  He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me.  
Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts.
 Because he's mean.  He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy.  He talks about how gay Oscar is...
And that Angela's a midget, and that [indicates Jim] your chin is too big.
I know, I know.  I think it's tiny.  I think it's too small if anything.  And that your glasses make you look ugly.
Well, he's just mean.
It's complicated, Pam.  I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk.  
 Okay.
I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time.  But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk.  I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals.  Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are.  Big marble... jerk stand.
Pam, stand up.
Pretty disgusting.
Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited!
Yeah, I'm pretty excited too.
Today I'm heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place.
Yup.
Why are you dressed like that?
Like you're applying for a loan.
Okay, here's what we're going to do: I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No... uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college.
Let's go!
[Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs] A little over the top, don't you think?
This is all we need.
Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! [all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign]  Hello!
Hello. Hi. [to Pam] Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me.
Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, "only the best and the brightest." 
He's totally wrong, Pam. [to Justin] Hey.
How you doing? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a... migraine worker. [takes back the info flyer Justin holds] Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby. 
Oh, no problem. [looks down] And he signed!  He put his name on the piece of - okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately.
Are you mental?
I... don't.
And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.
[teen approaches table] Hello there.
Well it's funny that you should ask, because it's really more than a company... 
Dammit, Oscar!
Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being "lured" these days. Thank you Dateline!
[answers cell] What do you want?
Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there?
Thank you! [Pam hands him blank paper] What, what is this?
This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap.
Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We're dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.
Yes. And don't call me Shirley.
All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck. 
Hey! [walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar's ball] Game over. [kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling]
[singsong] Just-in time.
Just-in case. What's your last name?
This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?
Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot!  And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life right now.
I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin.
This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will "do" you. [laughs] No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know?
Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special.
No, I didn't. You misconstrued me.
I, uh, hmm.
Why don't... hey.
Hold down the fort, I have to do something. [walks up to microphone] Excuse me. If you can hear me, I'd like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? [Airforce recruiter glares at Michael] Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that's not what you want. Dunder- they,  well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin?  We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn... it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe.
Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me.
[standing way too close to Jim and Pam] Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. [Jim and Pam stop kissing]
Well, kids today have a very short attention span.  They are into texting and video games and sex, and they just, they get distracted easily.  And today they're being distracted by the other booths.  
[clears throat] Hey, there!  Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin.
That is a very firm handshake.  Ow, ow, aahch!  Killing my hand, there.
So, what is your poison?  You like uh, sales, accounting, customer service, what do you like...
Sales is and could be very, very cool.  If you like paper, and you love to laugh, this is the place for you.
Right here.  We have a lot of fun.  
[Pam returns] This is one of our staff.  This is Pam Beesly, [takes piece of paper from Pam] receptionist extraordinaire. 
Check that out, huh?
Pretty nice.
She sits there all day.  
You get to look at her.  Why don't you hold out your hand. [hands Brad paper] Tell me what you feel.
That's called card stock.  That's what you're feeling.  Now what you're feeling inside is confusion, butterflies, exhilaration... You're thinking, "Am I good enough for this job?  Do I have what it takes?"  And I think we both know the answer.  We'll find that out together.  You can keep that.
Mmm, yeah.
Don't fold it, though.
We have the Dundies, my birthday, those blow out, and it's sexy, it's sort of a sexy atmosphere, you know?  The other day, in the parking lot, I actually found a condom.  So.  [to Pam]  I've been meaning to ask you, do you know whose that was?  [Pam shakes head no]  So, sexy is fun... 
Hey, you know what?  Coincidence - I am going to go for a little stroll myself.  Are you psyched about the summer?
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, be my guest. 
And do your worst.
[to Brad coming out of the bathroom] Hey.
So, I forgot to mention that my old temp is now my boss, so, gives you an idea of how quickly you can move up in this...
One other thing I wanted to...
[laughs]  Ohh...Nah.  
Hey, Justin!
Wait, you want this kid to be in the Air Force?
Time out.  You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?
Okay.
Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?
Well, yeah, but you don't need the brochure.  The brochure is up here [indicates head] and it's in here. [indicates heart] 
I think you are smart, and capable, and you aim high.
I'm right.
Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.
Mornin'. [to camera] So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... [watch beeps]
First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party.
Okay.
Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets...
If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?
Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-
Toga!
I thought that you might say that. [takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe]
Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. "Michael, buy a motorcycle." So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.
I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.
Phyllis, can you do this?
[watching from his office] Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already.
Why do you hate her?
You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?
We need to sell her an elevator pass.
Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing.
[knock on door] Yeah.
Oh, hey, do you still work here?
Nah.
No. I think I will pass.
Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna win.
Yeah.
T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness.
Y-You can-Michael.
Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.
Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?
I bet.
I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?
Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?
You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?
All right.
Yep.
[listening to "Crash Into Me" on his computer] Hmm... Jim? [Jim comes into his office] I am downloading some N3P...
Music...
For a CD mix tape...
For Holly.
And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
The two levels being, uh, "Welcome to Scranton"...
And "I... love you."
Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?
I think I do.
Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
Well, you're not a romantic.
Oh really?
Like, with who?
Pam?
Yeah, you took it too slow.
This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
I don't want her to get away.
Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually.
And the sequel, "Woman Stands at Desk and Works." So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that.
[as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [laughs nervously] Yo-da. Um...
So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.
Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting!
[overdramatically] Acting!
Yeah.
I did it! [exhales]
I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.
It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.
Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base...
[giddy] Yeah...
Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?
Yes we do.
I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.
Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.
Hey! Hi, good to see you.
I'm just having a little exit interview.
Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?
Okay.
Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. [takes out note cards] I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are?
Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?
Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see.
Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?
Well, no no no no no...
No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud.
[hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby] I'll kill you.
Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which...
What the hell is that?
That's... What do you mean, "Michael"? That's not even my handwriting. [exits conference room] Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!
No!
Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby.
My gift is forthcoming, Pam.
I am going to give Toby...
...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?
How did you know?
Well... That's my watch.
Hey, that's good.
[still watching video of Ryan] Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God.
[voice straining] I'm just worried about my friend.
Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run.
I'm cool.
Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.
No antigravity machine, huh?
Ferris wheel's pretty cool though.
That's what she... a lot of places are like that.
Thanks.
I like, uh...
Hey. What are you doing?
What the hell is going on here?!
There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!
Why did you do that?
No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right?
Shh...
I'm really sorry.
Yeah...
Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! [giggles]
[on microphone] Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. [applause] You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?
Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.
I have done things like um, "Beers in Heaven."
Or, "Total Eclipse of the Fart."
I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. [to band] Do you know, um, "Goodbye Stranger"? Supertramp?
[sings] It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on.
[singing] Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise...
[singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!
Oh, hey. Thanks.
Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.
Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.
What is it?
Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me.
Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back.
O-kay. Hello Jan.
Wow, Kevin, really? We're- [to Jan] Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here?
Oh, okay.
Thanks, Kevin. Um... [Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly]
Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! [Jan laughs] Are you nauseous?
Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?
Good. Good. Thank God.
Cause that's...
Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy...
Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very...
... proud.
Um...
You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?
Well, okay... 
So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so...
You did?
When we were going out?
W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms.
You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm?
IHop.
I'm glad you told me.
Um, I'll... I have to think about it.
My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other.
Hey.
Yeah?
Oh, wow.
Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. [they chuckle] Oh...
Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there.
Have a good night.
Bye.
Well this is it. I am here to see you off.
Sorry. Corporate policy.
You might take something.
Okay, security guard.
Okay.
[on phone, leaving a message] Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. [hangs up] I am going to be... kind of a daddy.
Oh, my God.
Toby Flenderson, come on up here.
Come on, no, no, no.
Toby!
Toby has written a fantastic speech for you, he spent a year on it.  It's very funny and charming and heartwarming.  And it rhymes, and if it's not any good, he has instructed us all to storm the stage and beat him to a bloody pulp.  [laughs] No!  So, take it away, Toby!  Whoo!
Ach, [to Darryl quietly] okay, okay, play the cutoff music.  
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
...blah, blah, overstaying your welcome!  Let's keep it moving!  Let's keep it moving!  Toby, everybody!
Hey Toby. What's this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff]
[reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection.
Oh really.
Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight...
[turns to address Jim and Pam] No way.
Woooah! Wow!
Awesome!
You guys! Yes! Yes!
Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim's hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one.
I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim]
No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest.
Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said.
No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it]
Blowing up balloons I thought.
Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
Hey!
There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. [laughing] He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs.
Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm..
...business meeting --
That's right! That's right!
Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan.
Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man...
Beard.
Oh, wow!
That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way.
Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me.
Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes?
Sounds good. OK, alright.
Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.
OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave]
Who is?
I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.
Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?
Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?
Good, so, we're on the same page?
We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.
Hey.
[holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?
I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids.
Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people.
Well...
What is that... word?
So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
Good, we're all here, we can get started.
Have a seat.
Have a seat. Like everybody else.
Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.
Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much?
No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like "where's the Beef?" [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah.
I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone.
[puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in]
Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] 'Scuse me. [closes door]
Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other]
Bob, how old are you?
Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?
Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.
Wow.
Oh, boy.
Great.
Great.  
That's great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?
Perfect. [starts closing the door]
Inspirational. What have we learned?  Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand]
No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy.
Good night guys. [staff leaves the office]
I disagree, I think it was very valuable.
I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.
Smell that. Do you smell that? 
No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer.
Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later.
Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food.
Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today.
I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back.
With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like.
Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. "You can't be on the team", "You can't move on to second grade". Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. [shakes head] We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class.
OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy.
Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?
Yes?
OK, that's not helpful Phyllis.
Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve.
Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. [walks toward the door]
No, this is my quest.
Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.
We don't need luck.
But thank you, that was really nice of you to say.
Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.
It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.
I know. So who's next?
Who?
[places the gift basket on top of the table] Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?
Yes we do.
Well... 
Mmhmm.
OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch.
Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket.
Alright.
[driving] That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?
That is true.
Yes, she is nuts.
How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive.
And the last guy says "No, hairy body".
Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing?
She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider.
OK, OK! So you'll reconsider?
Ah... .is that all you have to say?
Look, we want you back.
Well, no.
No it's not.
Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us.
Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier.
Great, the magic of the gift basket.
OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic.
I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing.
That is a very good point, Dwight.
No, it said right, it said take a right.
Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. [turns right]
The machine knows where it is going!
The machine knows--- stop yelling at me!
Let go, let go of me!
[watching car get pulled from lake] You sure you're OK?
Good, that is what's most important.
What a disaster, this whole thing.
These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it.
What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. "I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy". Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us.
Hang up. [Dwight hangs up] You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket!
We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand!
Give it back. The gift basket, give it back.
Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! [sits on couch]
Look, my clothes are so wet!
It's been opened.
What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?
WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?
May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
I drove my car into a [bleep] lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me.
Exactly!
Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. [looks at Ryan] Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game.
Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.
 Yes.  My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation.  Very, very excited.  He is my protege.  He is someone that I hand-raised, that I nurtured.  Um... he is like a prime cut of veal whom I nourished with my milk.  And now he is also my boss.  So, win/win.
 Oh, Okay.  Okay.  Just...[Michael takes down banner, clears throat]  Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back, and we're going to give a little presentation about the future of our company.  So please listen up. [awkward pause] All right.
 You don't want me to help?
 Yes?
 [laughs] Um... yes, I'll be right back!
 I think I know what's going on.  Ryan believes that there is some sort of special 'boss water' that he gets to drink now.  And there isn't.  But, um... don't tell him.  Don't tell him that.  I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.
 Ryan is causing some problems.  And you were always good at handling him.  What should I do to control him?  
 I know, I know, no, what... something else.
 Uh-huh.
 Good.
 My generation's all about hard work and accomplishment.  Like... the moon landing.  Or Vietnam.  Rolling Stones.  Greatest band ever.
 And still rockin', Oscar.  One of the greatest all-time oldies was a little Oriental guy named Confucius.  He literally invented the ancient Chinese secret.  Here's some of his quotes.  Confucius say, "Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew."  Confucius say, "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day."  Confucius also say, "Virgin like balloon.  One prick, all gone!"
 No, I skipped through all of the boring stuff and went right to his joke page.  Which proves that he was old, but he was also hilarious.
 I'm not.  It's solitaire.  See?
 BlackBerry.  Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit?  You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit.  [drops BlackBerry on desk]  Excuse me while I type on my Banana.  I'm gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer.  [thinks] Apple. [nods]
 This is going on the outside.  The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner.  Do not tape those on.
 Mmhmm.
 I'm a little busy right now.  Could you BlackBerry me a message?
 [Creed is using the toaster as a mirror, and touching up his hair with a Sharpie and a comb] The one advantage to being older is that I know a few things about a few things, and I am young enough to not forget them.  And old enough to know the difference between the two.  I am old enough to take advantage of age discrimination laws, but young enough to date college girls.  But old enough to know better.  I'm at a perfect age.  I could die now.  But I won't, because I am young.
And the same thing goes for quarterly reports.  They are unreadable.  They're just numbers and boring and blech.  So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar.  Use your imagination.
 We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall]
 Yeah!  I know.  I know.  It's bland.
Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?
Like, something that you have to look for.  Sort of a "Where's Waldo." [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen]
[everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright.  Let's quit while we're ahead.
 That was awesome. Thank you.
 Some days I am just on fire.  What can I say? 
 Oh, does he?
 Mmmmmm.  Okay.  Attention.  Earthlings.  I have some news.  Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep.  Okay.  Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people.  On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave.  Thank you.
 And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.
 Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan.  It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen... 
 The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company.  Wow!  Watch out Dwight.
 No.  It doesn't.  I'll find out tonight.
 What's that, pipsqueak?
Ohh, lunch party.
Okay, wow!  Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.
 Okay.
 Really?
It's the European cut.
 Umm... hey.  Ah, what's hanging?
 Oh good.  Okay cool.  How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?
 I had um, one of those danishes.
 Why don't you wanna go tonight?  What... all your friends are gonna be there.  It'll be fun.
 Just... 
 Yeah.
 Thank you.
 Na... no.  No.  If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser.  
 Do I have your permission to invite Carol?
 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.  It's just the first... girl that popped into my head.  I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.
 So.  This is the dealio.  God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight.  What are you doing this evening?  Look at that.  They have their own little language now. Like twins.
 Alright.  Well fight it out amongst yourselves.  I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good.
 Just let me know who the winner is.
 Alright.  I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun.
 Yes.  Thank you.
 Oh yeah, you'd better.  You better say good-bye to Pam.  Say good-bye to Pam.  Byyyyyye.  I love you.  [kissing noise, kissing noise]  I love ya Pam... okay.  [singing]  I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again.  Yes I do.  Tomorrow I'll be back.  I'll be back.  Tomorrow.  Um... yeah.  So you know what?  Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?
 If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster.  See you guys tomorrow.
 You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham]
 Got it for Ryan.  Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out.  Figured... 
 Same sort of stuff in here.  
 Mmwa.  Mmwa.
 Leaving Pennsylvania.
 One for me one for Jan.
 You guys should come over for dinner.  You and Pam.  That'd be fun.  Friday?
 Wanna come over Friday?
 After work you guys... 
 Yes.  Actually I will tell you right now.  It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password.  So... 
 What are you doing?
 No.
 No, I'm sure that's not.  Na... 
 Yes.
 Well the invitation says VIP's only.  Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan?  We're already in the city.  The main part with the buildings.  What am I supposed to do?  What do you want me to do tonight?  And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up!  Okay I'm going to throw up.  I'm throwing up.  You're making me throw up, Ryan.
 You know what this is like?  I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go.
 Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?
 Yeah.  I withdrew too.
 Alright who wants to party?
 Ohhh, what?  Oh I think I faked Oscar out.
 I think I faked Stanley out too.  Who else thought that I was leaving?  And they could all go home early?  Gotcha.  Gotcha.  Gotcha.  Well who needs New York?  Right?  We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.
 Nope nope nope no.  This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning.  This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come.  What's wrong with Dwight?
 Oh hey!  Good for you.  Good for you.  Scranton power.  Alright you know what?  Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on.  Good.
 This was a pretty disappointing day.  It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about.  But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it.  I did that in the car on the way home.
 How we doing on time?
 Good.  These are some things that I would like to have happen.
 Mmmhmm.
 Those are just things.  This is how I want it to feel. 
 I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important... 
 Yes
 Uh... 
 I want it... 
 I want it to embarrass all other parties.  I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, "Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?"
 Yes you can.
 Yes you can.  I know you can.  I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it.  Who else could do this?
 No seriously.  Is there anyone else who could do it better?  Because we don't have a lot of time.  I'll get the pizza!
Good news.
Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?
Same thing.
You know what?  I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.
Pizza by Alfredo.
Okay, okay, what's better?  A medium amount of good pizza?  Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?
[sighs, walks back into office]
Yup.
You don't have to say it like that.
Hey
Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty.
Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas.
You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?
Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon.
[sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um?
It is your problem.  That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off.  End of story.
I'm not giving that to you.
 No, no you're not going anywhere.  You're staying here until we figure this out.
You know what?  This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people.  I don't care if it's pizza.  Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through.  You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you?  Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room.  Right now, get in the conference room.
Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza.  Please, thank you.
No, you don't even know what stupid is.  It's about to get all stupid up in here.
You ready to give me my discount now?
Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
Alright, Dwight, knock it off.  You better think about what you are doing young man.
No!  I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything.  You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales.  So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?
Yeah sales, you sell pizza.  Last time I checked that's called sales.
Alright stop, stop making him say it!  You just made this worse, a whole lot worse.
Stop talking all at once!
Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
I think you're over-thinking it.
Yes, is Alfredo there?  Can I speak to a manager then?  Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered.  Yes, I know it is not on the coupon.  Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our...
Trouble.  Okay, alright.
He said no.
No, no.
Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin?
I'll just wave and introduce myself.
Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole.
Hey, have you seen Jim?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey stop it.  Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no.  I kidnapped a kid.
I could have paid for the pizza.
Oh my God, oh my God.
This is Michael.
You're breaking up. I can't hear you.
[to Dwight] Mmm-kay.  I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent.
I will open the door.
And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands.
Yes.
See ya, drive safely.
[pizza guy flips him off] Okay.
Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens.
Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time.
What a horrible day.
Bluh.
Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth.  I'd really like some sushi.  I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today.  And you know what?
I'm going to get it.
Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi.
New York.  Wanna go?
Alright, you drive.
Here we go.
Mmm.
Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go.
Guilty.
Oh, thanks.  This is the guy that beat the computer.
Yeah.
[mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed.  I got egg all over my face.
I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot.
I made it with my cheese pita.
I started a fire, I started a fire.
And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody...
Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh.
Wanna head back?
What's wrong with me?
I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods]  Don't avoid this.  I know you're dying to say it, so just say it.
What, no.  No.  Okay, bags.  I have bags under my eyes, Pam.  I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light...
The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles?  The big round things.
Yes.  I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this!  What do I do?  What do I do?
Really?
That's it?
All right!  Martha Stewart!  You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist!  Very good!  I will be tea baggin' it.  Nn... no.
[tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to?  Not at all.  Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this.  Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into.  What are you gonna do?
Coat! [throws coat at Pam]
Steak! Where's my steeaaak?
Get me Armani.
On the phone.
Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter]
I owe you an apology.
Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.
Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle.
I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine.
We already have a sofa. So why do---
It... folds up. You've only seen it flat.
I--- Ok. How much is this going to cost?
Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise.
It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs--- [phone rings]
Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man!
Yes, and thank you for sending that to me.
Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up.
[looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it.
Oh! Um, actually, I need the car.
Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.
You can not, I have a thing tonight.
What?
Oh no, I have a thing tonight.
How about this weekend?
Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right.
You wouldn't understand. It's a secret.
I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will--[notices camera]-- it will be that easy.
I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing.
Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call. 
No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars!
These meetings are useless.
Very inspirational. [laughter]
Or a trained seal. [laughter]
Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
I'm just calling because you responded positively to the---
 ...Stanley?
[Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your---
[speaking with a different voice] Have you--- Have you considered satellite television?
Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly.
You bet.
Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes---
It is not a waste of our time.
Vikram doesn't have my people skills. 
Well, I hope this conversation has helped.
What did you get tonight?
Oh, that looks good.
I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Thank you.
Really?
Wonder what I would've been back home?
I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something.
I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy.
You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator.
I actually wrote a movie. 
I'm writing one, yeah.
Um, sort of a spy, thriller...
Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning.
Okay, see you guys. [Sees Jan] Hey, how you doin'?
Okay. How's yoga?
Wh-Why not?
Okay.
Good night Vikram.
Hey, congrats on the bonus.
I'm gonna have it one of these nights.
Good night.
Um... that wasn't much of an introduction.
Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint!
Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery. 
And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register--- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes. 
Why?
No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that.
My other boss, Mr. Figaro.
What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'.
It won't.
Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs]
Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it?
Huh, okay.
It's whoever, not whomever.
No, whomever is never actually right.
Not a native speaker.
Well it sounds right, but is it?
Thank you.
No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.
I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life.  So, you are filming history.
Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs.  One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company---
And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me.  But the truth is, I can't do this.
I am.
I was never in this for the money.  But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.  I tried to live the dream.  I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed.  But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.
Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right?  A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses.
Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself.  You know, just a little bit of money.  Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times.  I don't know, kind of just for fun.  I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things.  Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something.  Like, who do I call about that?
Do you know anybody in the mob?
Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary.
Hey guys.
What'cha talking about?  [camera pans to each face in the break room]  Okay, I know what's going on.  You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think---
Hey, hey, hey.
Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems.  Why would I have monkey problems?
Oh, I hate monkeys.
I don't have a second job.  Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers.
I don't talk to my girlfriend about money.  It is rude, and unsexual.
I totally agree with you.  But I don't have money problems, I don't.  Alright, you know what?  Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? [Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket]
Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore.
No you didn't.
How would that help Creed?  In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose.
That is a good point.
Like the witness protection program.
I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program.  Fresh start, no debts, no baggage.  I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton.  I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs.  That's the life.
I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!
I didn't say it, I declared it.
Yeah, tell me about it.
You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic.
That is by far the best way to strengthen your core.  This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist.  It strengthens your entire core.  Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it.  I think that's how they got a core.
Mm-hm.  That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
Right.
How do they do this so fast?  Is this power-point?
No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this.
We will find another way, we'll ask power-point.
You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.
No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half. 
She poses.
Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?
What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
[singing] Runaway train, never come back.  Runaway and I'm never coming back.
Hey Jan.
Not much, what's up with you?
I'm out of answers Jan.
I told you, no more answers.  This is who I am now.  A guy on a train with no answers.  I hope that can be enough for you.
I don't know that.
I'll stay off the grid.
Yeah it is, it is.  I really messed up.
That's really nice of you to say.
I think the engineer left.
Don't sell your implants please.
That's nice though.
It looks cute though.
 I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time.  They would say things like "don't pay for six months" or "you can transfer your account from another card"...
 Do you think I'll get any new ones?  I could... [pause, eventually looks up at Dwight]
 What do you mean, "what"?
 Were you listening to what I was saying?
 What is the matter with you?
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 All right, well, go find some.  Get outa here, please. [Dwight sighs and leaves]
 Yeah.  What?
 Um, my CDs.
 I do.
 My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic
 And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car.  There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head]  What?
 I've been putting money into CDs for years.  I bought music that I didn't even like.  No. [shakes head]
 I can't.
 I can't go back to that.
 I don't know if I can do that.  I can't see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole.
 We will?  I can't.  I don't have an idea in my head.
 I have...
 Okay.  What?  Um...
 Tell me.
 Well, please?  I won't tell anybody.  
 Yeah, I will.
Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis!
Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!
We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever.  Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby.
Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?
Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good.
Hello hello!
Michael Scott.
Regional manager.
Excited to talk ideas.
You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing.
All right, good, well this is what we have to work with.
I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out? 
He gives the best back rubs in the office.
Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.
Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima. 
These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun.
Who else?
[reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison.  But we zoom back further---
Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so...
Yeah, I know.
Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background]
That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa.
Well we can do better than that.
The waving? 
[on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry. 
Okay, calm down. I have a small problem. 
Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas.
I'm creative, Ryan.
Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.
Yeah! 
Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity.
All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet.
Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today.
 How about never hundred hours, sir.
Hey thanks. Thank you. 
Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again.
What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime.
I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it.
Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way. 
Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with. 
We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously.  Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area.
Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer.
Line it up Phyllis.
Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.
Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix. 
Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music.
No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible. 
Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.
No. I said I hate the, the style.
Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible.
Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?
That'a girl.
Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton? 
Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape]
I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. [dials phone] 
Pam, please clear my phone lines.
They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God...I better call.
[Ten days later] Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!
No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real. 
That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!
All right! So, anybody else? No bad ideas. Everybody, let's keep 'em coming... oh, God.  Okay, Toby?
There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad.
And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that's them!  Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best?
About dressing your best today?
Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it.
Okay, good. Good.
This is Pam Beesly, representing our girl next door.  Pretty but nothing special.  You know, but she sort of keeps it real. What you might want to do, is if you could zoom in, like really quick zooms on her. Might be good.  [walking away]  Who else? [pointing] Oh, Creed... is the old guy over there. Don't look at him. You might want to use him to sort of get that Orville Redenbacher dynamic going.
And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim's desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don't you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean.
So do, um, do sad, do the sad face. 
No, that's skeptical. Do sad.
That's, that's a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That's annoyed. Well, he doesn't do very well under pressure.
And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace.  Follow me!  Let's get this movin'. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed]
 All right, let's start.
 You are my producer, you are a suit.  I am the creative genius.  You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free.
 Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate...
 ...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow.
 We start on a single blank sheet of paper.
 And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.  
 Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman's womb.  
 Bull[censored] man!
 This is bull[censored]!
 Ahhhh!  [sweeps toys off his desk]
 If you don't let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!
 No!  No!  Jim, Jim, don't, don't... 
 No, I can do it.  
 I can do it good.  I can do it good.  Please, don't.  Please.  [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it.
 [taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed?
 Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial.  Huh? 
 I can't hear you! [less applause]  Heard you a little bit less that time.  Must be...
 Okay, okay.  Who could do music?
 Actually, I'm a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a... celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano.
This is perfect.
This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door.  When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring.  Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone.
But, you will not tell anyone.
Well, sometimes.  Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl.  [knock on the door]  Yes?  Oh good, good Stanley!  First victim, this is what I want you to do.  Go out, come back in.  We're going to hide.  I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?
Just go out, and come back in.
What?
Hey everyone, can I have your attention please?  I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there.
No, no, no, no, no-no, no no.  You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing.  Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.
Okay, smarty pants, then why?  Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
That could not possibly be it.
You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office.  Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary.  The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes.  I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.
How can I get you to stay?
Yeah we all want money.  But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving.
Mo money mo problems, Stanley.  You of all people should know that.  Let me ask you this, if I were-
Pssh, kay.
Fillipellers, how's it hanging?  
To the left?
 To the right?
Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.
Yes, listen, um...  You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.
No, his work family.  Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man.  You may have Toby.
You can train him.  He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst.  That- that was a bluff, um...  Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours.
Okay, good-bye.  Wait!  Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please?  Your best one?  [Karen hangs up]
Hi Ben, Michael Scott.
I'm going to cut right to the chase here.  Do you like magic?  Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes.  To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.
[to Pam] Get out. [to Ben] Uh, yeah.  I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.
No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say?
What is that guy talking about?  Scranton is not lame.  Scranton is the cool, fun branch.  We're like Animal House.
Jim, we're getting crapped on.  Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it.
What are we going to do?  We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do.  Corcroan dropped Staples.
Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it.  You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale.  We're going to prove, what the hell is that music?
 That's the problem, that's the problem.  We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll.  Alright? [sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups] Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving.  I- I have no words.
What? What? We did?
Dwight and Surprise!  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Look at his face! Look at his face!
What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?
We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing.
Uh-huh.
Yes you are.  Oh, buckle up Jim.
We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.
In your face
Are you calling Karen?
Yep, get it.
It had to be done, it had to be done.
Hey Dwight, he found it.
Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever.
Do you really wanna know?
Follow me, come here.  Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse.  I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
No, no, not real bombs.
Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know.
It could be badass.  Yeah, it will.
Teach her to offer Stanley more money.
So, why did you and Karen break up?  Was it the sex?
I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is...
...awesome.
Okay, I will start.  Um, "A." [singing] "A" my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell...  Damn it! What do we sell?  Um...
I'm trying to think of what we could sell.
Ah, la, la, la. What is that?  That sound...  The air-conditioning leaking or something?
What is that?  Dwight, are you peeing?
Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!
I'll kill you man!
That is just so disgusting!
Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?
Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down.  You and I-
You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers.  And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.
[from the walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell.
There's a guy, there's a guy.
 Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close.
We found something far better, their crown jewel.  Their industrial copier.
It's enormous, but it's got wheels.  We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell.  Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Aha! [crashing]
We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg!  Jim leave us.
Save yourself!
Dwight, you gotta move!
Dwight, could you move over a little bit.
Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim.
Just say you wanna get back together.
It doesn't have to mean anything.  Just, do it for Stanley.  Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.  Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.
[whispers] Dwight.  Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.  And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. [they get up to leave]
We tried and we failed.  Stanley, you may go.  Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place.  Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free.  Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad.
Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass.  Big butt, bigger heart. [knock on the door] I can't do this.
Of course.
Really?
 Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden... is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys.
 Woo!  Shotgun!
 Yes, I am, but I want shotgun for you.
 No, Dwight!  Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me.  You're gonna sit in the back left  where I don't have to see your ugly moongob.
 I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  Dwight, you're handsome.  You're a very handsome man, get in the car. 
 Dwight!  Stop it!  [moans]  Can you help me please, I'm being crushed.
 Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room?  Like I begged you to?  Pam would have understood.  Heck, Pam would have done it.
 You embarrassed us.
Morning.
[from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real.
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go? 
Really?
Oh, you wanna go today?
How often can you actually donate blood?
Your body only has a certain amount. 
Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame. 
A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]
Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself---
In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change.
I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos.
I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place.
When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed.
OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife.
OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what... 
Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight.
Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day. 
No.
Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness.
Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours. 
Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me. 
This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I. 
When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead. 
Well, yes I would. And I would survive. 
Well...
You...
You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK.
I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?
No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it.
Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?
[flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
[flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday! 
[flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday! 
[flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday!
Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out. 
What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just --
Stop. 
Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug] 
Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off]
[to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...
There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck]. 
I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat] 
See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things.
Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable. 
I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter. 
Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious.
I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.
Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day. 
Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth] 
Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something.
Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh  air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky.
Hey, buddy.
What up? 
You are relieved.
So what did I miss?
Oh.
Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake. 
Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out.
That's what I said. That's what she said.
I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.
 Come in!
 Pam, are you my friend?
 We have been friends forever, right?
 Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you?  And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping.  That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.
 Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate?
 So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?  
 Thank you for your honesty.
 Split the difference.  Hey... mint chocolate chip, please?  Is Jim out there?
 Can you send Dwight in here?
 Mmhmm.  I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael's desk]  Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please?
 Okay.
 All right, Dexter, just give me the knife. 
 No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael]  All right.
 MmMmm.  All I need...
 No, Dwight!
 I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive.
 [holding up knife] What is this called again? 
I'll call back.
[Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that says "Good Morning"] Yeah, um, tell him I'll call him back.
You can't always work 200 days though.
[Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that has a smiley face] Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this. Tell him I'm in a meeting. [Jan looks impressed]
Yep.
Oh. Ah, this is a very important client. But, I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later.
N-No, money isn't everything Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude.
I refuse. My house, my rules, I insist.
Uh, okay, all right. Pam, would you put the call through? [Pam pushes a button the phone] Hi buddy.
Yeah, I hate that.
So, here's the deal. Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination law suit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? I'm feeling a little queasy.
Well-
Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win.
Million dollars!
Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers, and I have also thrown in some errs, and ahhs, to make it seem like it's not memorized.
Perfect crime.
Could we please pull over and pull down the top, I do not feel good. 
I'm getting car sick! Ugh, I'm gonna puke. I think I'm gonna throw up.
Hey, Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?
Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. [To Jan] Where did you find this guy? Hey, there he is.
Hey hey. 
I would love that.
Abso-fruitley. Yeah. I'll-I'll do anything for the company. 
It is.
Hi. [Michael sees Toby] No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here?
Are you renewing your divorce vows, before my deposition?
Never. I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves.
Okay. All right.
Yessh.
Well, it was not just termination. It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior. 
I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen the firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief
Six years and two months. 
That's what she said.
That's what she said.
Uh, wh-why would she say that?
Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it. 
She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them. 
Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk.
Yes. 
Yes, and frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant. 
Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules.
Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR. And I have the proof right here. [makes a gasping sound] 
I will allow it.
Uh...
Uh-huh. 
Ugh. Well, de-depends on how you define "begin". I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, that's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, that's like two years ago. 
If it was the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that. 
Line.
Jan and I had an off again, on again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry, but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?
Irie.
I don't think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary.
[looking for a place to sit, goes to Toby's table] Can I sit here?
How can you give up my diary like that?
How'd you even find it?
I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this.
Fine. I love you.
Not a woman, just a cool, great looking, best friend.
Alright, alright. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan, and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful.
Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot... [Jan glares at Michael] ...of water.
March 17th.
Yes.
[reading the performance review] "I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to sales where he belongs."
[stares at Diane, eyes tearing up]
How can you do that to me?
Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job and I should have taken it.
See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed.
...Absolutely not.
Oh, hey no biggie. Just...
[nods and shakes hands with David Wallace] Hey, David?
I think you're a nice guy too.
Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so... You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.
[Driving with Jan in the car] What do you want to do for dinner?
Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap.
Do you fast food?
 I have some, uh, experience.  I, um, once had to testify in a traffic accident case.  
 Yes.  My testimony was actually very important, um, because the accident was my fault.  [To Toby] Tell Meredith I said it another time [Toby nods].
 Before we continue, I would like to make an opening statement.
 [clears throat and stands] Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table.  I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today, but frankly, at my age, it's a joy to be anywhere [no one laughs].  I'm only forty-four, so I'm not old, and I guess that doesn't really play.  But the point is, I have a sense of humor.   And I implore you all to have a sense of humor as well.  Jan, David, my wonderful girlfriend [indicates Jan, then turns to David Wallace], my gorgeous company... Why don't we all just take a big deep breath... and just relax [breathes in deeply, no one responds].  Good.  That feels good [sits].  All right.  Everybody feel better?
 Na, Na-oh, Naa-es.
 Ye-ohh.  Ye-no.
 Very nice! [Borat voice]
 High five! [Borat voice]
 [shakes head] Can't stop.
 Forgot normal talk.
Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight?
Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday.
All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there.
I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?
You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said.
Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy.
Hello.
Come on in. Good to see you.
Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?
Yeah.
Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing.
Except driving.
Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa.
Okay.
Totally your call babe.
Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.
Well, thats...
Yep, never been used.
No.
This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say "Serenity by Jan"]
As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here.
Bond.
James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue]
Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
Well, I-
Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.
It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down]
I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall.
Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table.
No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry.
If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away.
Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies.
I'll get it.
Okay.
Very nice.
When in Rome.
Whatever you say babe.
All right.
How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends.
Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth.
Yeah that sounds good.
You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him.
All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn.
Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
And he was laughing.
Look at him, he's laughing.
Well you don't need two of you to do that.
That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right.
All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-
All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE.
No, Baah! But he's married to her!
No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.
Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator.
No!
God, does anybody read the paper?!
You're welcome.
I don't like that story babe.
Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.
Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!
[in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.
Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of "Serenity by Jan" What do you think about that?
I'm sorry. [doorbell rings] What now?
Dwight is my friend.
You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person.
Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?
When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away]
[leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe.
You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?
Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table]
Ok... alright... here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay.
Everybody enjoying their meal?
Yeah?
No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
[to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.
BFD. I'm a screenwriter.
NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!
MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!
OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!
[yells] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.]
You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.
Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.
Would she get into trouble?
I will take the fall. I did it.
Jim? Pam?
No.
Nope.
My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room.
Yes, I did, for you, princess.  Even though I only went number one. [quietly to Jim] I didn't really wash my hands.  Ohhh, what have we here?  This looks delicious. [picks up amuse-bouche tray]
[touching and moving each amuse-bouche] They need to be presented... royally... anyone?
Good stuff.  All right.   Let's get down to some wine drinking.
 It's been a rough couple of weeks.
 Little trouble.  Yes.  Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift.
Yes.
 So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog... 
 And the neighbors blamed Jan.
 It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place.  Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds...
 So...
 Well.
 All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. [cheering]
 This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days.
 Dwight, Dwight!
 No, I will ex-squeeze you.
 OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays.
 Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only.
 Jimbo.
 Did you see Holly's butt?
 Why?
 I know.
 I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read "Lonesome Dove" three times.
 And that her butt refuses to quit!
 [follows Jim into bathroom] You have to agree with me. [follows Jim back out] That's insane.
 I thought you had to pee.
 [sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office] Hey, hey! [falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again] Pam, Pam! Hey!
 [frazzled and out of breath] I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?
 No. OK. Um, the last word is "seagulls."
 I took a lot from other poems.
 All right, call-- [leans in to kiss Pam]
 OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week.
Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go.
 All right.
 All right!
 [rapping] I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!
 Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. [to Jan] Come on. Let's go in.
 No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. [picks up computer] Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!
 Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day.
 Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?
 Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.
 OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts.
 Damn it. Come on.
 Here we go. Everybody on.
 How's it going?
 Good.
 Cake? Who suggested cake? [Angela points to Phyllis]
 Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis.
 What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
 Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
 No.
 Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?
 Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?
 If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?
 This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.
 Booty call.
 Here.
 Wait a second. [removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim] I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.
 You want more?
 [music playing] It's a pretty lame party.
 You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them.
 Let's go mini-golfing.
 Uh...
 Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time.
 You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?
 Yeah.
 Good luck.
 Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.
 OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?
 And what is that?
 You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing.
 Ronnie was bleh.  Things were at an all time sad here.  But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town.  And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard.  Give him to me.  I want him.  I need him.
 I did!
 Yes.  Gooooo-tee!
 Hey, you know what?  I can't do this by myself people!  Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. [flails his arms]
 [groans painfully]
  [struggling to speak] Mmm--- mmm...  Um...
 Close the door.  This is your fault.  
 Your stupid friend zone.
 I should have been lovers with her first and then friends.  That was terrible advice.  Terrible advice!  You know my seduction method.  I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh---  You sabotaged me.  You sabotaged me, man!
 Mmm-hmm.  Saunas.
 Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh]
 [in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh!  Bang!  Boom!  Say Clump! Why hello everybody!
 I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful.  This big fat pig is beautiful.
 It's my sumo suit.  I just didn't inflate it all the way.  I am so glad that I bought instead of rented.
 Body image.  We are here because there is something wrong with society.
 If it's me, then society made me that way.  Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?"
 How do you know Michael Clump?
 How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people.
 No, no, no, NO, no!  You know what?  Fat people are not monsters!  Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject.  Bang!  Boom!  Case in point!  Look at the outside of this building.  It is ugly.  But you come inside... and it is beautiful.  Just like this unappealing fat suit.  Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man.
 Hey!  Why don't you just sit down, please?
 We're doing this because of you.  So why don't you just go stand somewhere else.  [to Ryan] Hey.  Hey.  You shaved?
 Why?
 Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march.
 Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first.
 You're right, you're right.  Just, Dwight, do it.  Just say it ok.
 Finally.  Right?  Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams.  Why don't you have a seat?  [Phyllis sits] Let's all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Ok!  [in Michael Clump voice]  When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy.  And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly.  Kelly.  [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him]  Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair.  Come on, stand up on your chair.  Stand up, stand up, stand up.  Somebody help her.  Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Ok, I want you to look at her.  She's a beautiful Indian woman.  Why?  What makes her beautiful?
 Ok, be more specific.
 What about her looks?
 Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?
 I want you to know.  Kelly, look at me!   I want you to know that you are beautiful.  You are truly, truly beautiful.  Give me a hug.  [Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest] Mmmmmm.
 Hey Ryan, look.  Shaved off my goatee.  I am goateeless.  We are the goateeless brothers. 
 Ahaha, Yep! [Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee]
  Oscar, enough with the girl talk please.
Hey!
 Excellent!  Good job.
 Yeah, oh, hey.  Did he call?
 No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy.  What, what happened?  Did he call?
 I dunno.  I always call everybody back right away.  He'll call back though.  Give him until the end of the day, he'll call.  If he doesn't, he is loco.
 Ugh.
 Wait, do we have until the end of the day?
 [Kelly eating in the break room] Hey, is that healthy food?
 We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly.  Please?
 Ok, that is fine.  Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok?
 Aww, really?
 I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing...
 ...was that he was a complete stupid idiot.
 I know.  I love Counting Crows.
 Wow, really?
 That's a shame.  A shame to waste these.  I want to buy them from you.
 I do.  No.  I do.  I, I want to.  Trust me.  I really do.
 Ok?
 Alright.  Alright!  [tears up tickets]  Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok?  Case closed.  Umm, can I pay you tomorrow?  I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so...
 Is that good?
 OK.
 Darryl, would you do the honors?
 Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning.  This is a good day.  You guys accomplished something big.  You lost a ton of weight, literally.  A lot of weight.  And I don't care what any stupid scale says.  You guys are all gigantic losers.
No, you know what we're gonna do?  We're gonna take that and we are going to us it as a reward for the end of our competition.  
Hello, hello.  Hey!  Your face is almost back to normal.
Hey, Oscar!  Come on, let's go!
I am suspending you without pay for the rest of the year.
Okay, no, I am not.  Dwight! [Dwight runs into Michael's office]  I want you to take Jim's chair.  No!  No!  His chair at his desk.  He gets it back on Friday.
I want you to get your ass out of my face.
[from his office] That's what she said.
Well...
 You're...you know what?  I read in one of those books that you're not even supposed to give foot massages because it can induce labor.
I'm digging.
I can't wait to be a father.  I'm going to smother that baby.
I really, I don't want to get panty liners, please...
I know, it's...
Yes.
I want you to get the panty liners.
Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party? 
Awesome.  I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.
Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn?  I thought they were all sold out.
Cool. [sings] My horn can pierce the sky.
This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything.
 Alright... One more time around the block.
 Jim, Jim....
That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice.  I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka.
Yeah.
I know.
[sighs] Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.
Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth
No, no. I celebrate privately.
Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.
We'll do it quickly.
[mimicking] What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it--
Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up.
An intervention.  It's sort of hard to describe, but really its-- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are-- who have addictions.  And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves.  And then they stop.
Okay, how do you feel?
Uck... T.M.I.
 Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party.
I am not asking her to stop drinking.  I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. [everyone raises their hand]
The aye's have it.
Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? [pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket]
Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?
 Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
I got it on a website, that's not important.
Okay, you know what Toby?  One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this.  I'm doing your job man.  Hey, are you texting?
Alcohol is a drag. Yes.  Here's what I'd like to do.  I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us.  I'll begin.  This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this.  That's how your drinking affected me.  Anybody else?  Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you?   Come on people.  If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better.  [Kevin raises his hand] Yes, Kevin.
 That's-- you didn't-- you weren't hurt by that.
Okay, no, that's not what we're going for.  Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking?  It has to bother you.  It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you?  Dwight, don't you have anything?
Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke?  Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Was John Belushi fine?  Was Bob Hope fine?  Hey-- come here.  If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.
I want you to say I'm an alcoholic.
You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you.
[amid groans from the rest of the office] Alright, no, no, no.  No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting.  But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today.  What about tomorrow.?  What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore.  The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight--
[sighs]...okay.
Enabler!  Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler.  It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help.
You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better.  That's my only wish.  But you know what?  My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I-- a watch would be nice.
[whispers to Meredith] I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned? 
We did?
Oh, shoot.  Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess.
We could go there, sure.
Yes, yes.
I have a new place.
It-- yep, recently.
All right.
Yeah, oh there you go.
That's good.
We're party girls.
It's okay. It's all right.
Meredith, we are doing this for your own good.  Okay. Come on--
Here we go. This is gonna be good.
Yes you are. [tries to pull Meredith from the car]
Shhh... just calm down.
[chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh...
Here's the door. Here's the door.
[dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center] Let's start meeting-- Hello. How are you?
I have a deposit.  Alcoholic. 
So do I sign?
As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will.  They have to do it voluntarily.  They have to hit rock bottom.  So I think I know what I need to do at this point.  I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom.  Um... I think I can do it.  I did it with Jan.
[heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!
No. No, no. There was wind.
Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over.
I want another try. Here we go! [Michael runs past the radar as a car passes] Thirty-one! Thirty-one!
I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number.
Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number.
Beat it!
Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. [in normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad.
Wait, you still don't know...
You still don't know.
[to Jim] What are you doing?
Andy.
[from inside his office] No, what I'm saying is...
No, that's not it.
[sighs] How can he still not know?
I can't take it anymore.
I am telling Andy.
Who should it come from, then?
[to Dwight] Are you still having intercourse with her? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']
Did you ever have intercourse in this office? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']
Well?
You know this can't go on.
We have to put an end to this.
Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office]
When will she be ready?
Is she crazy in bed?
How so, specifically?
Really?
It's too late.
I am already walking.
Okay, what does that mean?
[sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.
Thanks. [to Andy] Andy?
Walk with me.
Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear...
Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.
Which will be fine. I am off!
Thank you! [gets into his car]
[through the car window] Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so...
[rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
All right. See you later. [backs out of the parking space] Ahh.
Yep. [drives off]
Right what?
David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.
Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.
[pokes his head in] Hey, what say we order up some pasta?
So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need!... The need for tweed."
[rises] Oh, thank you.
I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
Okay. [sits back down to continue eating]
Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. [sighs] Ahh!
What you talking bout, Wallace? [imitating What you talking bout Willis]
Hi, I am well, how are you?
Oh, have you not?
Yeah.
Okay.
Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?
Oh, well, then, email it to me.
I will seduce her.
No, I will seduce her.
No, I got it.
Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support.
Alright, I am a local business owner. [Dwight nods along] I need to buy paper.  I find out everything about their prices and policies
Michael Scarn.
Okay.
[interrupting] No.
No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP.
Oh, don't start, 
You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.
You will have pancakes and you'll like it.
So what?
Maybe they are shrinking.
They could be shrinking.
Ah ha [popping something in his mouth] Yup. 
Mm hmm .
And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business.
Argh, why are you all...
Shut up.
Ready to do this? 
Good. Here come the sharks. [they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead]
In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business.
Hello.
My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company.
Thank you.
We are a law firm.
You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have?
Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation.
Ah, so when did you set up shop?
Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely .
So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?
Well that is... because... I am a genius.
Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? [picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion] Is this the cup? [picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion] Is this what I drink out of? [glug noise, both laugh] Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession. 
Try 80.
Hey, hey, how is your interview going?
Don't blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?
I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great [positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers] Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left [positions Linda to get better picture]
What's going on?  Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that's not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right?
Why is this little 2 so small? It's, it's weird, you don't, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4?
Excellent! Way to go! Nice! [Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives]
Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision.
I... Okay, okay, okay, [in disbelief] alright, thank you. [heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal]
Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time.
I cannot wait to contact your clients.
Dwight and Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. [running out door] 
Haha, we struck the mother load!
Wallace is going to freak.
He's going to absolutely freak.
Oh shoot.
Oh God, what was that?
Aw, it's alright.
Aw, my car. 
No no, we are fine. You have done enough already.
Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so...
No, no, really not necessary.
You know let me give you some money for this. 
Oh coffee, that's too much. [Dwight drinks it]
Thank you.
Ok, goodbye Prince Family.
Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information?
Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine. 
Why don't we just, live and let live?
Live and let live.
It's from James Bond.
I'm not going to make this call.
My heart says...
That is true.
That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times.
Jan... Ryan.
You're right.
You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info.
Just something I have to do first.
Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows]
Oh shoot! [gets to his car turns around]
Those people will be ruined. [runs out back door]
Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people. 
Im not a shark.
[pained] Mpfh. 
Thank you.
Okay, bye bye. 
I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping? 
Oh, hey what is this? 
Oh, she is hot. ["Hillary Swank is hot" supporters cheer]
Oh my God! Okay, it happening.  Everybody stay calm. 
Stay [bleep] calm!
Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!
What does warm mean?
Don't run.
Get out of the way! Go, go, go!
Okay, we're trapped.  Everyone for himself.
[throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!
No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die!  Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president!  You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.
He's going to swallow is tongue. 
Open your mouth.  Come on. Don't swallow it.
Leave me al--
Saving him!
Electricity.
Hed. Hedded
Take hedded of.
Heed. Heed.
Take heed of. 
Take heed of.
Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city.  Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed. 
Yes. We are. We are livid.  But we are going to let this one slide.
I am not a mind reader, David. 
And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice.  Something that Dwight doesn't like. 
Do you?
You talking to me?
What?
[sighs] No, Dwight.  I am worried.  A man's life is in my hands.
Yeah.
That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man.
Yes. 
I'm a smart guy.  I'll figure it out.
No, I will.
Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today."  That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying.  An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true. 
Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley. 
Andy.
No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means "always be closing."
Shut it.  Shut it.
We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do.  So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket. 
You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Come on.
No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working.  What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
And you're okay with that?
Uh-uh.  No, no, no.  Come on. Get up.  Let's do this. 
Come on Stanley.  You're losing you.  You're losing you. Do it!
This is you we're talking about.
Okay, okay.  I'll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley.  All right.  
No, Rose. They are not breathing.  And they have no arms or legs. 
Where are they?  You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?
How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.
okay, that's uh, hard to keep track.  How many is that per hour?
I will divide and then count to it.
Yes, yes I do.  I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified.
Okay, I got it.
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah... 
He is an organ donor.
Yeah.
Hey, Stanley. 
Are you okay?
Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?
Okay, look. David, this is why we have training.  We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. 
Hi, everyone.  Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? 
Let's hear it.
[in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm... 
My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice... 
[everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance.
And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out.
Too expensive.
Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?
You have stress?
During our relaxation exercise?
No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go.
Let me getcha.
Ok, alright.
Ok. [beeping slows down]
Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley's monitor now] Let's give this a shot.
Hellloo... [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer]
So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.
I don't get it. Do I stress you out?
Oh... 
Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge. 
Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short... 
What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other... 
Si senor.
It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.
I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok... lower the mic for the midget.
Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!
You're so lucky! Good one... [clapping]
Well... 
Pow pow pow... [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping]
[Toby tries to come on stage] NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. [Toby shrugs and sits back down]
I know where this is goin'.
No... 
No.
Spite her - ok [laughter] 
Oh, stop it Dwight.
No no no no no no!
Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way.
That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.
Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.
Idiot. 
Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.
We are, we are a family. 
Oh very funny.
Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy?
I don't believe I have had the pleasure.
Warehouse Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic... 
Jefferson.
Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um... [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum]
[at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw... caw... caw caw... caw... 
You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not.
I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you're gay.
Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation]
They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto  them pills, just in case.
[breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing]
[over PA] This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. [snickering] I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. [wheezing laughing, starts coughing] Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.
Could I stick it with a pin?
[still talking over PA] Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets [Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket] because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.
You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.
What?
You find it?
All right.
Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
[knocks on Pam's hotel door] Hello, good morning.
You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.
Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. [laughs] No, uh,  seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [looks at Pam] Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.
Well that goes without saying.
Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant?  That's...
 ...kind of [retches] Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
No. Oh, all right.
No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.
You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...
Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Hello, Rolando, how are you?
Rolando, [clears throat] I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.
That's what I do, steal my trick.
[notices Karen's pregnant] Oh my God. Is that Jim's?
Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?
[on cell phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up phone, sighs] This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?
I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? [Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone]
I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.
I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark.
Got it. It works.
But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?
Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.
Oh, I still have more.
She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K" Karen. Pam, let's go.
I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre."
No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.
It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?
Oh, great.
No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.
Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.
I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.
Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.
Why?
No.  I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?
Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.
She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.
[scoofs] I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
[chuckles] Okay.
I am on a lecture circuit. I'm goin' around to all the branches, and I'm telling them my secret recipe for success.
I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy.
[holding a chainsaw] And I turn it on and I say 'Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.'
You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? She's the love of my life. She just left... and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.
Do I look okay?
Hi.
Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch.
Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?
Oh- She's not here?
A.J.
She has a boyfriend.
How could she do this to me, Pam?
I can't do the presentation, I can't- [voice cracks] ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face]
I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? [exhales]
And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.
[laughs]
[sighs]
I can do this.
Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper" and get them to "Show us the money!" Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. [some raise their hands] Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name?
A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?
What do you race cars?
Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?
Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious?
Huh- [pauses] Does she ever talk about me? [voice cracking]
It's all connected. Shut up. [to A.J.] Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?'
[sighs loudly] Does it feel good?
[grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay.
Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards. 
No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. [sighs heavily] Okay... okay.
[sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named "Dear Michael," plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer]
Want some pie?
I went through Holly's things.
I stole a sleeve of her sweater.
I also stole something off of her computer. A document called "Dear Michael."
I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it.
No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it.
Yes. 
How?
I know, I know. You're right, you're right.
No, that wouldn't-
No, you don't have to do that. 
Okay. [leaves to get laptop]
Well?
She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?
You're sure? 
[smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay.
I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something.
Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him!
Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!
Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty. 
[coming out from his office] Hello, may I help you?
...Jim.
Ayyyy!
Ayyyy!
[laughing] What was that?
That was funny.  Let's go do it to somebody else.   Ayyyy!
Oh, look at that.  Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year.  You doin OK, bud?
Yeah, I hear ya.   It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy.  So if you think you're hurting...
Oh, wow look at those.  How nice for you.  Up there, front and center, beautiful.  I think they would look better right here.  [Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side]  They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall.  [Kevin groans]
Just about everyone in this office is single right now.   Including me.  And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain.  Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.
Pam, really, they're back?
Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Yes, um, Jim.  Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Yeah.  And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Mm-hmm.
Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest--
--that none of us can be a part of--
[gesturing Pam to be quiet] --then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.
So suck it.   Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.
I am about to give blood.  The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that --
Okay.  Hello.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, well, that's fine.
Yeah, can I point something out to you?  
You're actually talking a lot.
Okay, here we go.
Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat]
Yup, I'm good, whew.  Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch.
Type O-Ocean Spray.
Yick.
I looked at the bag.
I looked straight at the bag.
Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them?
That was mean.
A hat.
That is full of soup.
What?
Oh, already.
Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]
[ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out?  [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank]
Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?
OK.  Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers.   This is hers, she left her glove.  I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove.
Well here we all are.  Alone but together.  No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships.   I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan?  He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. [Kelly looks hurt]  Okay, sorry, let's, who else?  Oscar.
Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.
If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure?  I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault.  OK well, who else?
Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Really sad.
Oh my God.
Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
Alright who's next?  Where's Andy?
What?
You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this.
No, no, no, no.  I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too.  We just need to find them.  There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park.  There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
No.  Not a giant net.
I was thinking maybe like a mixer.
Old fashioned meet market --
-- I don't think it is.
These people need love and I am going to get it for them  Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today?  A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else.  I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow."  Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.  
Hey.
Ah, still early. 
[sighs] So how you holding up? 
No.  No, I meant about being single today.
Meh, exactly.  Eh.
Oh, here we go.
Hello. [two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office.  Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead] 
Babe alert! [to the redhead]  Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig.
Lynn, follow me, come on in.  For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone.  Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self.
[after a short pause] So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev.  [after another pause] Where you from?
Yeah, OK.  Well, he only gets better.
So, Eric.  You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.
Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair.  Alright, I'll let you guys talk.
It's going very well.  People are mixing, a lot of hope.  Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. [Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door] Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in.  Um, so [looking at his watch] it's not too late.
No reason.
Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by.
It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Believe me its nothing.  I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched.
Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away.
Hey, you don't deserve her.
Hey, if anybody wants to go...
Really? [everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake]  Oh, thanks.
You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit.
[after some encouragement] OK.
Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again.  You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all.   There's a lot of princesses out there.  You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good.
Pam?
Pam? Knock, knock.
I know you are. Knock, knock.
[at same time as Pam] 4-9-1-7-4-5-1
They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. [Dwight walks over]
Buddha.
[puts a slice of bread and stick of butter on Pam's desk] Buddha this bread for me, won't you? [Michael and Dwight laugh]
I, I need something to wipe my hand. 
That was helping. It was classic.
No... God.
Alright. 
Who's there?
KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael on the face]
What the hell was that? [Michael starts to fight with Dwight]
What are you doing?
You, you like that?  
Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it. 
[to Jim] Who's there? 
Dwight, get the door. 
Answer the door.
I'm not gonna answer it 
Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa. 
Why thank you very much. [notices jelly beans] Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!
No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans! 
The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy. 
I've written these things because it is my responsibility, as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine. [Jim raises hand] Umm hmm.
Too many words. Good ideas are simple. 'Golden ticket.'
No. Jim. We're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon. 
No, you don't. No, it - [sighs] What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas? Right? 
Woo hoo. 
Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips... 
...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession? 
Invite them on the tour. 
Really? That's kind of a big client. [gets up and heads toward Oscar] Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account?
Yeah?
Yeah.
I thought I did. So...
Well no harm no foul.
You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good. 
Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen? 
Irrelevant.  
OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet? 
My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. [sighs] That... [sighs]
Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right? 
No, they can't. 
Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about.
Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so - 
Thank you, Jim is with me.
Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. [Pam raises hand] Yes.
OK, don't get that. Please? [Pam gets up to answer her phone]
That is not constructive.
[on phone] Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so--
How are you doing? 
[reading from computer] My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know.
I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant. 
You're breaking up.
OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant. 
Yes. 
No.
[long pause] Yes.
[Dwight walks in] Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
Woah, wow, who told you that? 
[same time as Dwight] No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight. 
I'm not taking... I'm not taking... 
Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary.
Yes I do. You've just never seen it. [reading from diary] March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets. 
Why do you have a diary?
OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Yes, you did.
What are you writing? [Dwight writes in diary]
Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us? 
We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking--
Umm, nacho chips.  
Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.
[sighs] It's not ready yet. 
I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house. 
May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight. 
Yes they are, you just don't care about the information. 
He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired. 
I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion... 
Right.
That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom. 
That's why you made the decision. That's why you made... 
You kind of have. 
Yes.
[seeing David Wallace come into the office] Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in--- what's it gonna be, what are you gonna do? [Dwight runs into Michael's office] What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? Dwight? [David knocks on Michael's door and opens door] Hey David, how are you? Good to see you. Nice surprise. Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation. 
Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it?
Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea? 
Really? How did-- how are you inspired?  How did it pop into your head Dwight?
Give me the details of how that happened.
What? 
David? David? 
David? 
Could I be a part of the meeting also?
There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
I can't... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.
OK, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now, it turns out that it's a great idea and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that? 
Oh how dare you. 
You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard? 
Oh please.
Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge...
...that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas. 
They're not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom. 
Thank You!
Well David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame.
When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours. 
I want to see it. 
I want to see it. [Michael gets up to try to see Dwight's diary]
Give me...  Give me the diary. 
 I like it.
 I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama and intrigue of my time here.
 And classy, yeah.
 [watches Jim grimace, copies him] You know, that's good but it's not classy. I-I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership.
 Yes.
 He is.
 That's what makes him classy.
 Strawberries?
 Not classy at all.
 French. Classy.
 [on speakerphone] Yes?
 Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?
 Uh-huh. [comes out of office] Well, well, well, who have we here? Ah, it is Prince Charles Miner. [shakes Charles' hand] At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner and he is the new VP for the Northeast region. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up. [leads round of applause] Here he is.
 Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight, would you escort our guest in there? C'mon, here we go, don't be shy, don't be shy, you're one of us . [whispers] Dwight, stall him a little, I have to get the fish.
 Yes.
 What? No, I didn't want to make everybody nervous.
 You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok, get the fish.
 Surprise, there is nothing in here. The real surprise is in the conference room. Let's go! [swings arm above head for everyone to come, hits doorframe] Oh! God! Ok, come on, come on!
 Surprise! [unveils bagels sitting on table] As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles. 
 Took me all night.
 I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each other's vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan. The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. So, who knows? I do. [in British cockney accent] It's gonna be mental! It's going to be mental.
 All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department. 
 Oh, nerd alert! 
 This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart. But he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever and I am very proud of him for that. 
 This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there, in the orange [points to Andy]
 There you go! Where's the other?
 Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history. 
 Good. Good, good, good. Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner. [claps]
 Oh! Well...
 Above and beyond.
 That's true.
 No. Absolutely not.
 Well, due to the economy, there is a lot of worry going around. I didn't want to worry people.
 Well, why don't-
 Charles is going to tell you.
 Well, it's not official.
 Such as salary, benefits, etc, etc. Insurance.
 Well-
 Ok, ok, you know what? I think this has been great. I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. [starts round of applause] He has a long trip home. Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work. 
 Oh no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I've got this covered. This was just a meet-and-greet. 
 I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. Thrilled.
 [on speakerphone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.
 It was my understanding. 
 Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability. 
 But the branch is still mine?
 Oh, right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party? 
 Oh, ok. If we hire Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with year-end tax stuff? [several seconds of silence]
 I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better. And I agree, so what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before.
 Come on. What's your wife's name? Where did you work before you came here?
 Beautiful. See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names. 
 You're not from paper?
 Does David know this?
 Well that, actually, is an excellent segue into really what is my only point-
 And that- I-I don't need to be managed, Charles. And if you want pick up some tips, observing here, and take them to the other branches, it's all good. But Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny, and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so... Are we clear?
 Ok, alright, well I'll just bounce that off David, see what comes back.
 Whatever David wants.
 [on phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks.
 No! You idiot! [hangs up] Idiot, idiot, idiot! What are you doing? God! Oh my god.  [redials] 
 Hi Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again. I just spoke with Michael Scotch and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine. 
 And I really really need to talk to David.
 I was never given a name. [hangs up, he and Dwight sigh in relief]
 Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?
 I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad.
 Nobody thanked me.
 For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties, and then you spend all of this money on lunch, I think it's a little hypercritical. 
 [on phone] Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him. Is that him in the background? David? David! David, pick up the phone!
 Yep. 
 Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative. Yes. You may.
 Kevin? This is my branch. You don't ask Charles. You ask me. I say, approved.
  Yes it is!
 No, it is not.
 Ok, so we're on the same page, great.
 Ok, Michael, what are you doing? 
 No, seriously.
 How old are you?
 Five years old?
 I'm gonna walk away.
 I'm kidding around, wow! Relax, everybody, it's just a joke. It's fine. Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting in the conference room. 
 What is that smaller stripper holding?
 Ok. 
 Party Planning Committee. Not your concern, Charles.
 Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead.
 It's a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.
 But it's cool, and it's-
  Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so. . .
 Yeah, why don't you do that? 
 Yeah, here we go. Ok.
 What?
 Newsflash:  I've been here for fifteen years. Headline:  You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!
 Ok, no, no, no, no. No. You know what? I'm going to New York. And I am going to talk to David Wallace. [gets jacket] I'm going to tell him everything. And I'm sorry to say, you're screwed. And, you know what? You are gonna be through. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you. Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it. [pushes chair as he leaves]
 Hello, Stephanie. Ok, where is he? [looks into empty office]
 [points to bathroom door] So is this the meeting you've been in all day?
 I drove.
 Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. I've already bought em. And I don't have a place to store them. So, I feel like I've been sort of boned.
 Do you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously. Did you talk to him about this?
 Ok. Then I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles, and then Charles was supposed to talk to you, and that would dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again.
 Clearly that's what you wanted. 
 Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot. 
 I've put having a family on hold. 
 And I've never gone hang-gliding.  And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington. 
 I don't understand that after fifteen years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you.  That doesn't seem right to me. That doesn't seem fair. And I think that I've earned more than that.
 Ok.
 [gets up to shake David's hand] I quit. 
 You have no idea how high I can fly. 
 I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit.  I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go.  Feeling good.  Listen to some tunes.  Should've peed before I left. 
 Okay, so.  I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken!  So I have to take the normal door.  
 No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!
 I looked at Wallace and I said "I quit!" and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said "You have no idea how high I can fly."
 Why would I do that?
 You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.
 Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. [in Oscar's ear] Clinky, clinky-clink.  Come-on... come on, come on.
 [slightly drunk] What am I gonna do? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that.  I gonna stay up all day.  Gonna sleep it up all night. I'm gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO!  And I'm going to stop worrying about calories.
 I have a job.
 Pam, what you don't understand is that at my level you just don't look in the want-ads for a job.  You are head-hunted.  
 Any good headhunter knows I am available.
 You're 'I need you to' is my command.
 Hey.
 You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. [eats some spaghetti] Oh God! Blech! Phyllis! 
 Oh! Hey. What is this about?
 Oh.  
 Me too, me too. Is this wine?
 I already have wine. 
 Hmm?
 For?
 Yes I am.
 Where you from?
 That's a drive!
 [sighs]
 Thank you. [groaning ceases]
 You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players. [dials phone]
 [sighs] What am I gong to do?  Uh... [chuckles].
 PSST! PSST!
 Okay, oh okay, okay.  Close your eyes.
 Just close your eyes. I'm going to start my own paper company.
 yeah!
 Can you believe... cause I know paper.  I know everything there is to know about paper.
 Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline.
 Right, I know paper, I know how to manage. I have a name, close your eyes.  
 Close them.
 Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this? 
 Obviously.
 Oh, agreed, mmm, except...
 Hey hey... what's up Chuck?
 No I'm staying.
 Pam, listen.  This order form.  Instead of saying "Dunder Mifflin" at the top is there any way I could get it to say something else? 
 You... oh.  Somebody has been talking in bed.  Pillow talk.
 This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.
 Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all these clients.  Half of them, at least. I can do it again.  I know the market, I know the price points.  I'm on it, don't worry.  So, how do I do that?
 Can't I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?
 Thank you very much.
 I'm starting my own paper company.  
 Yeah. 
 Yeah.  In all climates.  It's going to be worldwide.  And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me.  That's where you come in.
 Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so
 Potential, lots of potential. yes.
 It's... it's very courageous, very exciting. Um...
 That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing.
 So think about it.  Lets put a pin in it for now.
 I made it sterile.
 I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me.  
 No, no no.  
 Okay. 
 Okay, hey, you already have the job.  You don't have to convince me.  
 [from inside the restroom] Stanley?
 Listen, Listen, Stanley. You don't have to answer me now.
 Just... I want you to think about it, I'm starting my own company.
 Oh-okay, you're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on a million dollars.
  You know what.  I had a great time at prom.  And no one said 'Yes' to that either.
 Hmm?
 Okay, I have immunity. It's my two-weeks... 
 Hank?  You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you?  Hank, please escort Charles from the building.  
 [to everyone] Well here we are... I would just like to... 
 [yelling from Parking lot] Alright then everybody, I'm outta here! 
 ... and I feel free!  
 Shh shh shh... don't look down, look straight up. Come on please!
 Angela Kevin, you have to help me out I just need a few things then I will be gone.
 I was going to, I wanted to.  But I had to start somewhere.
 No, of course not.  But now I want everybody. Jim!  Jim?  Buddy, Hey!  Buddy, Jimbo?  Did you have time to think about my offer?
 So which way are you leaning?
 Thanks Jim.
 Okay, Okay, we don't have much time.  Just act normal.  Don't look at me people. Stop.  Don't look down. Don't look down. He's going to see me.  Don't look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height.  Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future.  Hello, I am your future.  You're older, and you are very happy now.  Because you went with Michael Scott.  Right.  So everybody come on down.  Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright?  Come on!  Are you, are you doing your best here?  Are you being the best that you can be?  [Pam is thinking hard] Alright. Everybody who's going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot.  Okay, alright. Come on. You're coming with me.  Come on Phyllis.  Here we go, here we go!
 Oh God... okay alright. It's time to go it's time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on! 
 I think maybe Hank should be here.
 You're going to mess with me, is that what you're going to do? I'll tell you something Charles, I don't even care. Cause I've got nothing got lose. [Charles steps towards Michael] Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it's not even worth it.  
 You are?
 Okay.  It's going to be great.
 Right... Executive assistant.
 Alright, okay.  Deal! Okay, well... Jim?
 Well, okay, lets go. 
 Are people watching? 
 Jim Jim Jim... we're having a company meeting here.
 Bye.
[walking in] What's going on?
[to Jim] To be married?
WOO!  Alright!
"Why are you helping her?  You're not even dating."  She's my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh...
Ok, let's give it for Miss... Holly Flaaaax! [everyone claps]
[clapping] Ok.  Well done.  Good speech Ryan, you're a good guy.
Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic. [claps]
[to Holly] Can't set 'em up like that.
Can we have a moment?  [whispering] Can I talk to you for a sec?  Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic.
Yeah.
Do some... do some work. [whispering to Holly] People expect a lot from these meetings.  Laughter, sudden twists.  Surprise endings.  You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan.  You need to be Robin Shyamalan.
Do you... just... you're kind of losing them.
[coughs to hide his words] Lauren, [coughs] enough with the pencils.
I would not... steal the bread.  And I would not let my family go hungry.
Anybody?  This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions.  Stanley?  Oscar, come on.
I will go first.  When I discovered YouTube I didn't work for five days.  I did nothing.  I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.
To tell you or not.  And I'm glad I did.  I feel very very good.  Cathartic.  I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble.  You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.
Yeah, [interrupting gibberish].  Come on, anybody.  Let it fly.
A siesta!
You are a thief of joy.  Anybody else.  Yeah?
Who hasn't?  Good.  Good!  What else?
Mmm...
Well, let's keep this party movin' on.
Bruuuuuuuuuce.
Ach! Wuh---
That's crazy.  That's crazy talk!  Meredith!  The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers!  Hoo-ooh!  Wow!  What time we got? [checks watch] You know what?  That's a good place to end it.  Right there.  This, I think, was a great ethics seminar.  She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about.  Right... what is wrong.  Who's to say?  Really.  In the end.  I mean because it is... unknowable.  But, let's give her a round of applause.  Holly, everybody.  Holly!  Get back to work. [everyone applauds, then leaves] [to Holly] Great job.  I am truly impressed.  That, uh, you really pulled that one out.  Classic.  Classic meeting.  We should celebrate.
Oh...
Meredith, why don't you tell Holly... it's not what she thinks.  Nothing unethical happened... and that you just like to sleep around.
No... no, this is just a stupid formality.
Well, well.  Holly... lujah!  It's a miracle, you're at your desk.
Hoo-ooh!  Reaching!  You'll get there.  Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't, you know, just... sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out. 
Good.  Would you care to bang it out over lunch?
Oh no, no, no.  Your food is no good here, my lady.  [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses]  Sorry!  You know what?  Let's go out!  Dunder Mifflin's treat.  Um, actually you're not a client... so... we'll just split it?  Ethical.
What do you think?  What do you think of this place?
Istn't it?  Yeah, it's kind of... business/romantic.  So you're from Des Moines?
Wow, that sounds so... warm.
Here too.  You know what my favorite season is?
Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way.  Autumn was what I was going to say.  When the leaves change.  It's just, I... I think it is the most contemplative of seasons.
Wow, terminator, terminator.
Yeah.
I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance.  I mean, what sort of place is that to call home?  And Meredith needs this job.  This is her main source of money.
Ok, new idea.  We don't report it at all.  We just punish her.
Mmhmm, tell her she can't have sex for six months.
I don't know.  I saw this thing, like a belt with a key.
No, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal.  You know what I am talking about.  You unlock a little door that... down... where you, where you put, where you put the...
I am just saying that I don't think that you understand what I am saying.
Yes.
Well... bleh busted.  I don't...
Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family.
I will be honest with you.  That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault.  The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her.  And I am holding on to her leftovers. [throws Holly's leftovers in the trash]
What's the only thing worse than one HR rep?
You get me.
I don't know.  Can you?  Kendall, my main man.
Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar.
How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, "I told you so."  Gently with a rose?  In a funny way, like it's a hilarious joke?  Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way.
Ok, everybody listen up.  If you are not in that conference room in two minutes I am going to kill you.
Get in there right now or I'm gonna lose it! [everyone gets up to go in the conference room]
Now is really not the time, Meredith.
Let's keep this rollin'... Ryan?
 Oh, cr..., oh, God.  Meredith, you know what?  I just need a minute, okay?
 What do you need?
 I... really want to keep you.
 Wait, what?
 Nnnngah!
Oh, good. My hooker's here. [laughs] Hi.
Yes I was. Yes I was.
That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in.
Thank you. Would you like some french toast?
What shape?
Alright. 
After breakfast.
So how you feeling about the new company?
You excited? About the new company?
After breakfast.
No, I'm whipping them.
Just let go. 
Let go, please. Just gimmee - 
I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs.
[doing situps] I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.
I'm not overwhelmed, Pam.
Don't patronize me, Pam.
I'm not getting dressed. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.
It's totally impossible!
Assemble a sales team. A dream team.
Okay, Ryan.
He's everything I'm not and everything I am. He's the whole package.
Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met.
He worked at that telemarketing place.
Okay. Oh also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor.
Yeah.
Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her.
Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. Got a few things cookin'. [sits down in robe, legs spread wide] Umm...
Alright.
Oh. Wow. "Michael Scott Paper Company." Okay. Very official. "Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence."
How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?
Okay. Okay. "Achey Breaky Fart."
No! No No. No. "My Stumps." Like "My Humps" but a guy with no legs. 
We can do this.
Yes we do. So, get excited. But I have to go the bathroom real quick. If you'll excuse me, be right back. [gets out of the car] Ah, okay.
Hey. I would like a pair of size nine, please. [Ryan is working at the bowling alley] It's Michael.
Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct because they have no files.
Well, it has always been a lifelong dream. 
I'm...
Excuse me. Yes?
Yes, it is.
Yes.
It is.
Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. [walks back to Ryan] Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?
Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?
Uh, nine.
[Ryan grabs some shoes] Look what he's doing.
He's stealing them. Okay, okay.
He's already paying for himself.
Right here.
Oh yeah.
Sounds awesome.
People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana's investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I'm sure that's what she would have wanted. Does want.
Well I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so I appreciate you meeting with us here today. What this is is a business that I have worked toward my entire life. Hey! [snaps in front of sleeping old man] I have assembled what I believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania - Pam Beesly. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one. Meet Vikram. From his humble beginnings as a - stay standing - from his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon, he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer in the lipophedrene industry. And do not call it a comeback. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin, and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard is about to make a splash in paper.
Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit.
By wanting it more. By working hard- 
Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows: I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee. 
And I offer same day, free delivery.
Nana. [softly] I really think that Papa would want you to do this.
Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don't - it doesn't have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other...
Well... this might not be the right time, but I need more than I originally asked for. 
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup. [to Pam] Yeah, I know. Two not-so-great things in a row. Ehhhh, well. Stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan. The Rye-guy. We should call him Rye bread. We don't have to call him that. Unless you like it. We could call him that. 
What's that?
Blech.
Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that's why God made so many.
Well we  should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let's get you out of the car. Alright. [Pam tosses list out car window] Okay...
I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That's what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit.
So what are our options? Well, we can start this paper company. We can try. Or... that's it. That's our only option. Because we quit. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me. I remember in high school, my math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out. And know what I did? The very next day I went out and I scored more goals than anyone else in the history of the hockey team. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it. So I'm gonna go inside. I'm going to make some calls, I'm gonna get us an office space, and I'm going to show you why you joined this company. Okay? [Pam nods]
You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There's gotta be some sort of secret office that you have... lurkin' around... some awesome, free, keep it off the books... Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating. 
I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That's what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up.  She was the man. Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's your stereotype, not mine. 
[walks into room] Okay.
It's right in the middle of the paper belt.
Yeah, I'm good. You good?
You know what they say, keep your friends close. [pointing to office sign where "Dunder Mifflin" is listed right above "Michael Scott Pap"]
Yes, I am, Charles.
Except this time, you have no legal right to kick me out, because I have started my very own paper company right here in the building. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step. Because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big ol' can of whoopass on Dunder Mifflin. [Pam and Michael stare him down, he walks away] Actually a six pack. We're gonna open a six pack of whoopass. He looks scared.
It's Britney bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company.  [tries to parallel park, hits car.] Okay. Not gonna make this one. [drives away revealing plenty of space for the Cruiser]
Hello! They took away my parking space but they can't take away my pride! [awkwardly climbs out of his car]
I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. [nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won't cut, he tears it down] Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!
We are in the heart of it. [Bathroom sounds rattle the small office.] And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea.
We wait, and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon.
I don't know I think we've done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I've updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it.
I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. [He sets sheet between Pam and Ryan on desk. Neither takes it.]
Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend. 
Hey Ryan? [Ryan watches Montgomery Flea Market ad on YouTube] Could you get to that copy from before?
Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I don't make copies, I'm the boss. Got it? I make originals.
Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!
Would someone just make the copy?
Just make that copy okay?
They're getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he's too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim.
I'm on the phone, please. Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. P's being a giant B.
They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?
Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small.
Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own.
Okay guys, thank you for the offers. But I want you to get pumped about this corner idea. All right?  1,2,3- What are we gonna do?
No, you're supposed to say, "Rock the house."
That's my corner.
No, this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work.
Pam, I don't make the rules. [Pam walks out.]
Oh hey! Stanley, Phyllis. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour.
Thank you. You remember Ryan [Stanley laughs deeply] And Pam is around here somewhere.
What for?
Yes.
Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary. [Flips a pancake. It's about 8x11 inches] Young sir, would you like a free pancake?
Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on. And tuck in your shirt, you're the face of this company.
Hey Pam.
You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?
Yeah?
Well, at least you're still being honest with me.
These are shaped like paper.
I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And, let me tell you something it was delicious. So the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. [The phone rings] It is a disgusting sandwich. [It rings again.] And the reason I tell you this story. [phone] Pick up the phone.
Don't tell them we have free delivery! [Also whispers]
They don't know that!
Give him a guarantee.
Just say the word.
Yes!
You did! 
Oh yeah! 
She did it!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Dancing in the office]
Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don't have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really [flushing] Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what's important.
Hup! [throws cheese puff to Ryan who catches it in his mouth]
Hup! [throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth]
Hey.
[gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine] Is this good?
Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?
I really appreciate it.
It's for your trouble.
No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.
Yes, I do.
That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?
Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women. 
That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?
Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce.
Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat]
[on phone] I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin.
Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?
I'm not following you.
Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift. 
Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing? 
Can I use it? [Pam holds up note saying "He's talking about you!"]
[Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad] Dwight, are you talking about us?
Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?
So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?
Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?
Dwight?
Is the cool new guy Charles?
Is it Stanley?
Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?
Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup! 
Dwight, run!
You be cool.
Just-what's going on?
Mm-do... Dwight would not-
I. Understand. Nothing. 
[Michael storms into office] Wow.
It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him.
It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon. 
I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?
Hello, traitor.
I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.
I'm just getting hardcore with him.
Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby.
[on phone] Is Mr. Schofield there?
[on phone] Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. [referencing rolodex card] Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV? 
Wow. High score?
Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?
So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?
No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-
Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet.
Toward the sun.
Noon.
You have two seconds. [Dwight starts running]
Dwight.
I hope you're not recording this conversation. [Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt] Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles.
So you just rat me out? You could have said no.
If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.
I do too.
Cooper's.
Damn it.
[Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings] Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?
Really? That's weird. We didn't see any.
What?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec.
[Michael answers phone] Yeah.
Dwight, not now, we've been robbed.
No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up sign saying "Dwight did it!!"] You?
What about our truce?
On purpose?
Why?
Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Oh. [bites into sandwich, looks disgusted] Bastard!
Dwight, do you mind if we talk?
If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed. 
Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.
Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now.
You can hear me, but I can't hear you.
Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much.
Walking in the door...
Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. [Dwight runs out of the office]
[on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn. 
Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates.
What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?
That's very rude.
I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin...
Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Good, good, good. I will see you.
I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it."
I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess.
He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can't make you feel good, then I don't want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads.
Dwight just got Howard Family Dry Cleaners.
He's undercutting us big time. He's actually taking a loss and paying the difference out of pocket.
Hey, hey, hey. Something about that seems inappropriate.
Betrayal ain't just a river in Egypt.
 It's 4:30 in the morning.  Do you know where your kids are?  If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do.  They're gonna be in this van.  With me.  Who am I?  Nothing to fear.  I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.  
[honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van]  Come on.  Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again.  Come on.  [does it again] De-nied!
Hello! Time to make the donuts!  Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts!  [laughs] Hey Pam.
Milk and sugar.
That's what I said.
Every morning.
We're, uh, we're doing okay.  A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun.  Uh, yep.  We have 20-- of those.
You know what we need?  We need some couches in here.
Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.
Like in a dorm room.  You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top.  You can sleep up top.  
Most do in the magazines.
We should look into that.  Or we just go for the loft.
How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
They are correct, sir.
Okay. A lame attempt at humor.  Swing and a miss.
Lowest in town.
 Okay, sure. Right, so-- why don't you explain what that is to-- so that they can under-- just explain what that is.
Explain that.
Well, we don't-- 
Whatever, yeah.
Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Okay, okay.  Hold on, hold on.  Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
Just crunch 'em.  Just crunch 'em please.
Hi, Jerry.  Michael Scott.  Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday.  Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check.  
Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
I know.  But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life.  I was wrong.  It's this.  
I would love that. 
Was it nice?
I love Pad Thai.
No.  There's a lot I haven't done. 
[knocking on door] Hmm?
We're not hiring, Jim.
Listen, I can't make you laugh right now.  
Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl-- 
No-- We don't have-- 
[stammers] Uh... Yes.
Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks.
That's a pun.
Yep. Oh... wow.
Of course not. 
Nope, nope, nope.
Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke.
Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it. 
Ah... 
I'm good, I'm good. 
It is.  I'm good.
Hello.
Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace.  I believe we're expected.  [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables... 
And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Never accept their first offer.  What is your second offer? 
Are you kidding me?  That is insultingly low.  I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.  
I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation.  Your company is losing clients left and right.  You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding.  So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO.  So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin.  I think I just have to wait out you.  
[stutters] We'll have to talk-- 
Just amongst ourselves.  
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.  
We are so rich.
No.  
It's a lot of money, okay.  But we need money coming in every week.  We need jobs.  Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?  
Agreed?
Shut up, shut up.  Hello?
I want my old job back.  I want my old parking space back.  I want a Sebring.
And I want Charles gone.  
I need him gone.
Okay, then I want Pam back.  
 Sales.
Yes, she is.  At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.  
And Ryan.
You know, David.  I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.
And dental this time.
These are our demands.
Our company is worth nothing.  That's the difference between you and I.  Business isn't about money to me, David.  If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company.  And  then another and another and another.  I have no shortage of company names.
That's one of 'em! Yes.  These are our demands.  This is what we want.  Our balls are in your court.  
Can we have the room please?
Yes! Can you believe it?  That's what I'm talking about!
There are certain defining moments in a person's life.  The day he is born.  The day he grows hair.  The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin.  What have I learned from all of this?  It is far too early to tell.  I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it.  I just want to enjoy it.  
No, no. You're done. 
Someone is returning!  He started his own company, and now he's back.  Who could it be? I'll give you a hint.  He is a man.  A man you have missed with all your heart.  A man who has ruined all other men for you.  Who is it?
[whispering] It's Michael Scott.  [applause; Michael jumps through sign] Hold it up.  Conference room, five minutes.  
Well, I guess the first order of business is to welcome back me, and Pam and Ryan.  [scattered applause] And how about casual Friday again, huh?  Reinstituting casual Friday?  You all look great.  What I want to do right now is try something a little different.  I'm going to throw it out there, starting with this meeting.  I want you guys to run it.  I want you to say whatever you want,  take it away.  Your meeting.  
If there is something that you would like to say as a group, then by all means, you may say it to me right now.  
Yes.
Take it up with Toby.  What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward.  And I want you to reflect.  And I want you to say something different.  
When I needed salespeople for my new paper company,  everyone here turned their back on me.  Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness?  No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No.  Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No.  I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.
Oscar, what were you going to say?
 All right.
Not important. [everyone mutters] Okay, alright.  Yes. Yes, you have a job.  Frankly, you have a job because Ryan and Pam are starting with us as salesmen.  
It's going to work very smoothly, because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients from Michael Scott Paper Company and--
 No, you lost those clients.  
Okay.
 Okay, Dwight.  Let me explain something to you.  I set the rules and you follow them.  Blindly. Okay?   And if you have a problem with that then you can talk to our complaint department.  It's a trash can.  
[hands Ryan a soda] There you are, my friend.  
Pamela.  
Yep.  
I know.  
I do?  Well--Where is that bowl?
Michael Scott Paper Company only.  
Okay, well---
 I will--no, no.  I'll talk to them when they all get back from the bathroom.  
Against who?
The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott.  They are in for a bitter surprise.  I am not to be truffled with.  
Six weeks ago, none of these people wanted to come with me.  You two were the only ones with the stones to follow.  
That was  us, right there.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the Commish.
Yeah, yeah. The Shield.  
Hey gang. Where you been?  
 Where'd you eat?  
What'd you have, Stanley?
So since you guys already ate, you won't be eating the stuff you brought with you for lunch, will you?  [walks into kitchen] Oh, wow, Stanley.  Is that egg salad?  Andy brought some salmon.  
Dwight, is that a meat sandwich?  You guys hungry?
I'm going to o have some of this meat sandwich.  
Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?
 Mmm.  Thanks for going out, guys.
Hey, hey guys.  You know what I want you to do?  Shake hands, get over it.  That was not a shake, Dwight.  
Who quits?  
You guys gotta be kidding.  
I love it.  I love this idea, and I fully support you.  As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money.  [throws money at Phyllis] There you go.  There's some seed money for you.  And you can take it, no hard feelings.  But if you stay, I want an apology,  and I want a big one.
Yes I do.  
 It's frontward's.
No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong.  And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways.  From my point of view, from their point of view...98 others.  And the bottom line, I am in the wrong.  I'm the bad guy.
I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing.
 Whatever you guys did earlier.
Just do it, okay?
 Get 'em there.  Get 'em there.
Are you kidding me?  
Okay, okay, okay.
So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart, I am sorry.  
If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say,  "apology accepted", I think we would all feel better.  And then we can break out  my gift to you--complimentary white chocolate bark.
They wouldn't make it unless people liked it.  
Okay.  If I give you your clients back there won't be enough clients for Ryan and Pam, and I promised both of them they were gonna be salespeople.
Fine, have your clients.  I can see that's what you wanted all along.  [everyone mutters "okay"] However, I rescind my apology.  
You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.  
Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?
 [puts Scrabble pieces on board] And Bingo was his name.  Let's go.
I need your help.  This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head.
You're close with Pam too.
Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he's my number one choice.  
I like his hair.  
Okay.
That sounds pretty biased.  
 Okay. Pam, pros.  
 I like her.  I think that she is a fast learner.  Cons, she doesn't always follow through.  Sh--New York and the whole art school thing.  And Roy.  She has a weird voice.
I don't need to tell you that.   
 I don't think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven't said one bad thing about Pam.
Okay.  So be it, then you've lost credibility.  And I'm going to go with my guy, and that's Ryan.
Oh, wow!  Whoa!
Ho-ho, man!  Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey!  I want you to bring the garbage out.  'Cause I'm not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba--
I have a very difficult decision to make.  It's like last week I was at the video store.  Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice?  It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.  
 Pam, can you come in here, please?  Have a seat.  [clears throat] Well, there's no easy way of saying this.  So I think I will just...drag it out.  Since the dawn of time there has been--
I gave Ryan the sales job.  There just weren't enough clients for the two of you.  So I had to--
I'm sorry, sorry.
 [laughing] Yes, you did.
Yep.
No, you--no.
No, you're the best person for the job.  You're going to be great.  
[laughing] Oh, oh!
You should have seen your face.  Oh man! Oh, that was classic.
Oh, really?
Oh, man.  That was really good.  That was really good.
I don't know, I offered him his temp job back.  We'll see.  He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn't get the job, so--
I don't appreciate you telling me what to do.  So clean out your desk, you are through here.
Oh! What's our receptionists name?
 Could you send her in?  
Hello.
Have a seat.  
 This is very difficult to say, but no one here like you in the office and we are going to have to let you go.  [pick up phone] Hank, could you come up here please?  Hank is our security guard--
He will be ushering you out.  [starts laughing]  
Oh, your face!  Oh!
No, I'm kidding.  No, you're not--you're not fired.  Yet.
Oh...
I don't know, actually.
[caught by camera crew dancing to "At the Car Wash", but laughing] Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tip-toeing around corporate - it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso.
Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I think I'm growing into a giant. Because look at this normal sized coffee cup. Looks so tiny in my giant hand now. Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on?
Okay. How about a woman? Pam?
Oh, really? Ok.
What about the rest of you? [complete silence]
At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don't know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan everyday. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people.
Who else? Who else? Ryan?
Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me.
What?
Ugh! God! What happened to you people? [talking like a robot] We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work.
[still talking like a robot] I... was just learning... to... love.
No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh.
That's good.
If you ever want to come down here, door's always open, lock's broken, so... 
Come on in. Hey, hey, hey. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah.
Now you got it.
Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?
You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.
Ok. I love it. I love it.
I love it.
Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There's no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone.Charles is gone.
Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster's People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don't know. It's like [pause] Dave died or something.
 Daddy's here and daddy is going to take care of you.
I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo.
Andy's afwaid?
Are you all afwaid?
Daddy's here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk.
Funk is the problem and the solution.
I've taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see.
Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it.
No. Dwight is confusing you. That - it's, it's more of a disco.
... with coffee but without the haunted.
It's a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building.
Exactly.
Wha - No. No. Not even close. I can't force you to go down but I can entice you. I'm gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso.
Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you.
Holdin' down the fort.
Thank you.
This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei.
Kevin, stay.
Kevin, stay.
Stay, stay.
Cookie. Kevin, cookie.
Mmm-hmm.
Come on.
Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster.
Phyllis?
Hey!
[starts dancing with Phyllis] Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude.
Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No!
Oh, wow! What did you do?
You didn't do that. You're ok. You're ok. Let's lie down. You want to go down? Alright.
Ok. That's ok. That's not a problem. Ok, sweetie.
No. No. No.
It's her back. We just - We need - Let's - You know what?
We're going to take care of you. We're gonna get you help. Let's - come on.
Oh, no. No. No. This is no good.
I don't need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?
It's just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat.
[barging through office door] Alright. Here we go.
You having fun?
What? Oh, just having to much fun. Phyllis, we're going to put you in here. Dwight's going to take care of you.
Ok, Dwight. Ok. Good. I do not want anyone to worry.
Oh, you know. Nohting. She's  - we were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of am existing injury. But she's a tough, old bird. So... 
Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I don't think she would trade that memory for anything. [Phyllis can be heard screaming in the backgroud]
You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?
I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down.
I don't care. Bury it. I hope you're happy.
I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner.
Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head.
It's better than I imagined it!
Welcome, welcome! Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott.
Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?
Oh. Alright. There you go.
No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song.
I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could tale they would say, " This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We're not going to eat you." [Angela shows Michael the papers again] No.
Hey, thank you, Creed. you're really getting this place.
Hey! Hey! Angela, no! No cleaning up!
No... cleaning... up.
Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? It's really happening.
You guys are the best for coming. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I understand.
Really?
Oh, no. Not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco! [Dwight hits Michael in ear] Hey! Come on, man. It's not even to "Y".
Would you like to dance?
My grandpa was the funnest guy I ever knew. He would sing. He would dance. He would....fall down. But then...he started going to these meetings and everything changed. He...stopped going out at night. He got a job. The fun just dried up. It was really sad. I don't want that to happen to you guys. I'm not gonna let it happen.
[mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office]
[wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What's so funny?
Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.
See you later!
We're just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.
Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.
All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey.
A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.
Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.
Okay.
You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.
I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.
What is up with you two, Holly?
Cool. For who?
Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.
All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.
You bet your fat ass we are.
Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.
That's right.
Newspapers for sale!
I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.
[watching her eat] What?
Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?
We could do a movie... sort of thing.
Oh!
Could we get a Delorean?
Oh! [to the theme of "Jaws"] Dun-der. Dun-der...
Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]
No. No.
We're circling it.
[shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it's a sketch now.
And now, presenting...
[imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs]
Yes, I am.
Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.
[screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!
Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.
I'm Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience's response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]
Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.
Yes!
I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!
David Wallace told me!!
[whispers] I guess not.
Well... I didn't know they didn't know.
Thank you.
Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.
Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.
Should've had hindsight.
I think it went well. I think it was good.
No, it was a tough audience.
Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.
Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.
Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch.
Good to see you. [they hug] AJ.
I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
Yeah.
OK, just remember to keep breathing.
OK, good.
Oh, OK! OK!
I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.
I checked the route - there are no potholes.  Come on, get in here and have the baby.
[annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby?
All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry.  Sorry.  Here we go.  Here we go!
Do it! Do it!  Scream!  Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.
Aaaaaaaa!
Just keep pushing...
I'm right here.
I'm right here, I'm right here.
[annoyed] All right.  Dwight.  Just push and breathe.
Shhh. No, you can't have it.  It's too late.
No.  You have to just push it out!
Keep simulating.
OK!
Keep simulating.
Yes, I do!
OK.
Yes.
Aaaaaaaa!  It's coming!  Here we go! [drops the watermelon onto the floor] Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?
Nice touch.  Good.  Let's try that again.
[eating the watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life. [Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly]
Hello ladies, how's my shower going?  Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Damnit, Phyllis!  I'm sorry.  [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis.  It was hard enough to convince Jan to come.  So are we set for refreshments?
She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
I know.  I know.  It is beautiful.  No.  Thank you.  Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons?  You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up.  I think you need to get the lead out.  Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here.  We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower.  Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?
It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine.  I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub.  Have you seen that video?  It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens.
[banging on the glass] Hey, hey.  What are you doing?  Don't talk to them.
Make the party.  Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump] Pump it!
Ahoy, matey.
Ahoy. So, how you doin'?
Um, listen.  Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest.  It's all kind of weird.  Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive.  And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office.  So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you.  And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings.  And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
So this is Astird.
Oh, OK.  Why didn't you call me?
I could have helped.
Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.
No, I don't!
Can I hold her?
[cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK.
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways.  I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me.  It feeds my soul.  Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them.  But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit.  If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war.  There would be no government, and things could get terrible.  It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.
[carrying the car seat] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...
...trid Levinson.  Hi!  Astrid, this is everybody, look.  This is your family.  You're going to know them for the rest of your life.  
[looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here. Say hello!  OK, here we go. [lifting the car seat high above his head] Lion King!
OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop.
[sees Jan sizing up Holly] I'm fine, weirdo.  Such an HR weirdo.  Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in.
Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Uh, duh.
No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK?  The baby multiplies the fun.  Let's just do what you were going to do.
All right, how about some presents?  I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.
Whatta we got?
Oh! 
She already has a stroller.
OK, what else?
Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No.  No.  This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful.  This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this.
I could have helped.
[smiling] Uh, yeah. 
[voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged.
Phyllis?  Could you take-.
Hey guys.
Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Yeah, I a baby daddy.  Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby?  Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
I just saw this baby daddy-
Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Well-
It's- that's different.
That's not a baby.
[sighs] Could I?
[sees Holly behind Jan] I was just going to...  I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene.  She smells like old tomatoes and dirt.
Sure you can't stay a little longer?
All right.  All right, everybody, we're leaving.  Jan and Astrid are leaving.
OK?
Wha - that's, I hate her.  Wha - God!  Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine.
All right.
[just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles] You wanna go out?
I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly.
Oh! OK!
Seventeen.  I say seventeen squares.
Do the boobs!
Hey! HR lady, stop whispering in the corner please.  Very rude.  You're ruining the party.
Hey.
That was really fun last night.
I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs.
Yeah?
Oh really?
Well...
I, uh... [to camera] I let her win.
So, when, um, can I see you again?
No.
Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. [Holly's smile quickly fades] Because I am busy taking you out.
[concerned] Why?
Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight...
Tonight's so...
Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day.
You're welcome.
In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
Yeah.
Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. [laughs] Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?
Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first.
Probably get soup or something light. 
No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. [sighs] [goofy voice] I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy.
Do you need 'em?
All right.
Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing]
Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can't hear us at all.
We're totally alone.
Oh, my God, what happened?
Yeah. Oh... oh!
No, did you?
Oh, no, my God. 
Oh my God!
So much for sex without consequences.
We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?
To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?
Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days.
I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-
Do I?
Yeah, I think that's pretty boss.
Whoa!
Twice. ... Right?
Mm-hmm.
Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. [music stops] And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. [clears throat] Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no  Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays]
Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. [cheers and applause] It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. [auctioneer voice] 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-[speaking gibberish] Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 [speaking gibberish] Sold! For 300 dollars to me! [bangs gavel, which squeaks] What the hell is that?
It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!
Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-
Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says "Creed."
Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man.
Federal and State. [no one bids]
Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.
We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. [David Wallace walks in] Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!
Hey!
100 dollars, great.
Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter.
160.
Uh, just a few more items.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. [cheering] All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around? 
No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody.
Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so.
She's your wife, you idiot.
Uh, what the hell is happening?
300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice.
300 and one penny, 300 and one penny.
325, 325.
350.
350 and one penny.
400, 400 hey batter batter.
400 and one penny.
500.
500 and one penny. One million dollar!
700.
Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-
1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. [applause] Nicely done.
[whispering] Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- [Holly covers Michaels mouth]
 Oh, I guess that job that I got you is working out for you well, then.
 Hey, if there's anything else I can do, just let me know.
 You know what?  I would love a slice of real New York style pizza.
 Even as pie.
 [opening a delivery envelope, takes out slice of pizza which appears to have a section off the end] Okay... don't ask me how I got it, let's just say that I have... connections. [folds it in two and takes a bite] Mmm.  Mmm.  [with a full mouth and an Italian accent] I'm the Godfather.  I'm gonna eat this whole pizza.  And then I'm gonna kill you. [digs around in envelope, pulls out the rest of the slice] [indistinct] some cheese.  You gotta fold it up.  That's the way you eat pizza.
 I am going to run three possible date ideas by you and I want you to tell me which one gets your blood percolating.
 I have two sure things, one wildcard.
 Okay.  
 The wildcard is dinner at a nice restaurant.
 Exactly.  Here, here are my sure things.  I blindfold her.  I take her to the Houdini Museum.  She chains me up...
 Okay.  
 All right.
 Number two, we go to the mall...
 We go to the bed store, I let her choose whatever bed she wants...
 And we have sex on it.
 Really?  I don't know.  It's a big third date, Jim.
 What do I do?
 Well, I thought as the man that I should make the decision.
 Times have changed, Jim.
Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets. 
When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire. 
Road trip!  Right?
Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.
We're not.
We're not doing anything.
All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge.
Ah, you are quite the gentleman.
You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want. 
Cool!
We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song.
Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!  [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare.
Was I?  Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
All right. What's the scoop, how far?
Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast.
Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon.
Here we go, fourth time's a charm. "Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there.... [Holly sobs] Hey. Are you crying?
Allergies?
Did Darryl touch you?
What's the matter?
Sure it is.
Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine.
Listen to me. I like you so much.
And I've dated four women in the last--
Not last - no. In like the last ten years.
I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
That's what she said.
Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be.
Yeah.
Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way. 
I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road.
Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?
Years!
Yeah.
Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy.
My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy.
You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well.  We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?
Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. [they continue arguing]
I don't know what I'm gonna do! 
Please?
I'm not gonna be okay.
No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!
Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck.
You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you.
I'll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly?
So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl [Holly hugs Michael] Okay. [they kiss goodbye.] Goodbye.
We didn't break up.
Okay.
That's a really pretty song. 
Okay.
Okay.
Da  na na na na.
Da  na na na na.
Da  na na na na.
Da  na na na na.
Da  na na na na!! 
[deeper] Da  na na na na.
[deeper] Da  na na na na.
[blues singer] Da  na na na na...
[talking head] This is gonna be awesome. This is gonna be awesome. I've decided that on my drives to Nashua, I am going to learn French, the language of love. And on my drives back, I am going to learn Spanish; what the cleaning crew speaks.
[playing cat's cradle with Holly] Okay, am I grabbing this one?
[laughs]
Fair enough.
Okay, okay. What kind of car games did you play in the 'hood?
Cow surfing?
Really? 
Cow surfing. [spots a cow out the window] Okay, here we go, there's a cow.
Oh, shoot! Okay. All right. All right. [throws up hands] Pull it over. Here we go.
[reaching to open door] I'm gonna do it.
The man has a point.
[visibly shocked] What? Why?
[gasps] I do! Hey, come on!
Jackson Five.
Holly & [both laugh hysterically at portable DVD player on dashboard while Darryl drives, looking miserable]
[rubbing noses with Holly] You're the one.
You are.
No, you are.
You're the best.
You're better. You're better than my best.
Here we go.
Okay, Ready?
Watch this. Darryl, watch this.
Yeah
Yeah. Right, snuggle time.
[makes squeaking sounds]
Here's what I was thinking. The following weekend, I drive up.
We get right in the car, we pop up to Montreal. It's like another seven hours.
Speak.
Absolutely. Oh, and you know what, Darryl? You are invited to go as well.
Come on, it'll be fun.
[emerging from convenience store with two ice cream sundaes] Hey, look at that. Fun, right?
Mmm mmm! Remember the 15-scooper we had last week? Wasn't that good? I was Scooperman, you were Scoopy-Doo. Remember what you said? You were laughing.
Say what you said.
[laughs] I'll save you! I'm Superman! Scooperman!
I didn't ask.
We want the same things.
That is a lucky number. Seven. 7-Up. Seven dwarfs.
Seven deadly sins. It's a sign.
[standing with Holly next to "Welcome to New Hampshire" sign] Oh, it's really cold here.
Yeah.
[starts to cry] Can we have another? I think I blinked.
Oh, you have your own entrance. That's nice.
Hey, sport.
Ow! God!
No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Yeah, so there you go.
Oh, wow, so quickly.
Nope. Nope. Not yet.
I'll call her later.
I don't want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out!
That's -- thanks.
Mom, I'm getting married.
Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.
No. [laughs]
I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... [laughs] Psych.
And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
I'll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. "Schindler's List" parody. ... That's not appropriate, no.
Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did.
No.
Wow.
Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
No, no, no, no, no.
Do I look like I am joking?
If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
You're not.
Jimbo, let's do this thang.
Oh, come on.
You too?
Jim, they are a poopy. [Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth]
No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It --
I agree.
So let's see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
[points at Jim] Arrogance.
And there's our smudgeness.
Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?
Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go.
[whispers] Ask him his name.
Be respectful, Dwight.
It's up to you to change his mind.
Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!
He's hard of -- he's an old man. Let's go.
Stop it! Stop it!
That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.
Here we go.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?
[covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it's done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did?
Yes.
... [whispers] It's a million-dollar sale.
Why don't you tell us?
Dwight. [to Kelly] I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
What's going on?
[looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly.
You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.
Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.
You were lying.
Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.
I will call you when it is time. [Jim and Dwight leave]
I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?
I think you should do that. [Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh]
How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger. 
And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich.
The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming "Opa!" Which means "congratulations," so...
I'm pretty much devastated.
Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself.
 Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of....carrots. And, so he's like "What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important."
Great marks, Phyllis. [Phyllis walks out of Michael's office smiling]
 I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.
Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute...
Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all.
Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time?  In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment.  In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom.  This is considered to be polite.
I am jetting off on an international business trip.
To Can-A-da.
Canada.
My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international.  The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery...
Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi.
I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. [covers Meredith's face with his jacket] You are now sexy in your culture.
I have my passport. [pats jacket pocket]
 I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on.  I am going to buy a sweater.
Well I'll just... I'll use different money for that. 
And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best.  Actually better than a five-star hotel 'cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine.  I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce.
 Well that is all in the past.
They have one of those?
[in a singsong voice] Lets do this!
Two are for souvenirs.
I do. It's right here. [indicates to waist]
No, I don't want to wear a bra.
Stop it! Stop it!
Okay.  Where is my translator?
There he is.
Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. That could be you [points at Jim] if you hadn't forgotten French.  Where is my numbers man?
There we go. Our town car awaits.
Its not just a van.
Dwight, can you get those please?
[on airplane] Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa.
Handed to me as I sat down.  This was my hot towel.  It is still wet.
Take a sip of that. [hands Andy his mimosa]
That good?
Don't drink all of it.  Give some to Oscar.
You want one of your own? I can hook you up.
Yes, this is Beth.  This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning.
Yes... 
Get back, get back.  Come on, get back to the slums.
[whisper] Hey... guys, check it out.  My own personal DVD player and 20 movies.
Shhhh! Keep it down.
Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? [Andy laughs] My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much.
[to stewardess] Hi.
Um. I'd like to see a menu please.
Oh... okay. [looks back at Andy and Oscar] Doesn't matter, because I am going to take a nap.  I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold.  I will don it... and oh! Look at that.  I can't see because I am in a-- [cart crashes into Michael's leg] GAH!
[going up escalator in the hotel] This is nice.  This is nice.  Move in here.  Very sweet... ah.
Alright.
Very cool.
Okay.
Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.
Wow!
Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um... I--ah! This is great, thank you!
A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha.  This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure.  And when you meet one, it is intoxicating.  Just what the doctor ordered.
Guys, she's in there.
Let's do this.
[goes up to concierge from the hotel] Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott.  Good to see you again.
Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez.
Works in accounting.  This is uh, concierge Marie...
...who works at our hotel.  You look, how do you say, radiant tonight.
And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night---
She's foreign.  I am--
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Andy.
Everyone is going to end up dying someday.  And I think it's better to die with people you like... like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie... than to know that there's somebody out there that you love that you're not with.
How about this one? It's Christmas eve---
---and everything's closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do?  What do you do? Come on! What do you do?
Unbelievable! Unbelievable.
[standing outside hotel room... whispering] Do you want to get some breakfast or something?
Okay.
Slept like a baby.
Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again because they feel cared for here.  They feel respected and they feel that their needs matter.  They are treated like human beings. [sighs]
Yes.
Yeah, we locked him up for two years.
No. Actually the trip sucked.
The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip.
I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van.
And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time.
It was not, it sucked.
Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige.  That was great.  That was great.  That was--- that was a---
That was a really good choice.
No, David. You listen to me.  Why did you send her away? That--- God.  You knew I liked her and you just sent her away.  And that--- that was a sucky thing to do man.
That was a really sucky thing to do.
Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck.  'Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete.  I think it's because they respect me.  A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off... right to his face... over the hone.  That's respect.
Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier.
Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?
Heh, okay, weirdo.
She said she was going to give it to him right now. [starts laughing]
Yeah, they used to.
Oh, can you imagine?
Uhhgh.
I don't know.  What?
Hmmm, dare I? [laughs]  You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake.  [walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle] Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. [turns around and sees Toby]
NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO!
[watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds] Look at him.  With his stupid face.  Stupid... tan. No.
No.
He looks worse.
Uh, well I'm afraid not.  Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance.  
Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David.
Yes.
I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls.   Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.
That's true.  People say it's icky.
David, wait.
Is there no way we can get rid of him?
I have cause.  It is be-cause I hate him.
No.
I don't.
[Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders] Don't do that.
You want to see some really high caliber acting?  Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. [walks to the annex] Hey Toby, great to have you back, man.  Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again.
You're welcome.  Missed you.  Missed you as part of our family.
So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun?  That must have been fun.
Nice beaches, pristine beaches?
Why'd you come back?  Why didn't you stay?
I bet, for you.
[shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition--- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself.
Yeah, I am.  I am.
I tried, I tried.  I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail.  I feel like I'm dying inside.  I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II.  She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends.  I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them.
Okay, just summarize.
That's it, that's it, perfect.  We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act.
Mm.  Me too.  Okay, let's get this started.
What are you doing?
For what?
No, no, no.
You're the bait for Toby?
No, for one thing, he's not gay.  And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim.  Or Ryan.  Or me.
Yes, sure they do, Dwight.
Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah.  Hello, Pam.  Jim may I have a moment with Pam please.
Oh, oooh his mistress.  No. I'm kidding.  No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam.
Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson?  I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits.  Do not read it beforehand.  Can you do that for me?
Good. [Pam stands up and starts reading note] N-no no no, don't.
Pam.  Pam, you gave me your word.
Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them?
Toby can I see those? Ooh. [takes photos and throws them on the floor] What's the matter?  What's the matter? You scared?
You mad? You mad at me?
Do you want to do that?  You want to hit me, you want to punch me?
Huh?  He might do it...
I dare you to.  Come on.
What's the matter... haaaww!
Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on?
No do it, do it.  I dare you.
Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch.  Come on! Come oooon...
Son of a bitch.
[mouth full of brownie] Just stop it.  You haven't done anything helpful all day.
What's that?
Frame him?
I've never framed a man before, have you?
Just seems awfully mean.  But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
Hello.  I've seen you guys around.  I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin.   How you doing?  [they stare at him] Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here?  I need to purchase something.
No. Uh, I wanted--- I wanted to buy some weed? Some...
Grass, weed?
I heard you drug---  I heard you dealt.
I'm not wearing a wire, so...
How much? How many pounds is it?
Hey, hey, hey.  Hey.  I forgot... I forgot...
Those are real cops, real guns.  I wonder what's going on. [follows them]
Uh, you know what?  I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding.
Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay?
No, no no no... No, no.
No, that was... that was legitimate.  That was totally legitimate.
Oh God!
No, no no no no.
God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is.  And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that!
Ahh, that's mine.
Yes, it's mine.
Are you kidding me?  That's my salad.
You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
Hmm.
Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere. 
Are you kidding me?  Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about?  You're... you're worried about the cop's time?  You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer?  Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.
You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us.  So...
Yes, you did.  And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history.
Do you want to hear a lie?
I think you're great.  You're my best friend.
Mmm... okay.
Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old.
Yes.
There's the x-ax...icks.
Mmhmm, okay.
Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Ho-oh!
Yeah.
I'll be six.
So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus.
[whistles poorly] Whoo.
Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you...
Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... [imitates drum roll] Can anybody guess?
No, a new copier! [only Oscar applauds] Unless everybody can agree on something better?
So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?
Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one.
Alright, so, teams forming.
You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
Yes.
Why me?
Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end.
Yes.
I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing.
Yes.
Ohh, God!
Yeah!
Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
All right! Cool!
I have no idea.
[through the laughter] Oh, is somebody making fun of me?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh, hey.
I do.
it was fun. We had a good time.
Oh, thank you.
Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.
You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.
Nine dollars. The boys' department.
Look at the ass. Check out the ass.
Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh.
Yes they were.
They were.
Mmhmm.
Sits on a copier.
Yeah.
Very valid.
All right.
See ya.
[laughs] Hahaha!... well...
Okay.
Oh, thank you my dear.
Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay...
There he is! Hello, hello!
Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you.
Mm! [gives Jim a high five] Yeah!
Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!
Oh... ah, I almost choked.
Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads.
Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. [Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar] Yeah, take as many as you want.
Yes.
Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-
Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.
It is, yes.
What?
Okay.
Oh, there we go.
Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party.
So, the copier.
All right, yes.
Well, what should I do?
All right, get out. Get out.
Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now.
No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- [coughs again] I'm sorry.
Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different.
No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy.
The what now?
...Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?!
I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king.
All right, attention everyone.
I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly.
Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam's chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers?  [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don't have copiers. They don't even- [struggles to get up from Pam's chair] Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing.
Do I know what?
Mm, no...
$645.
Right.
Because that is how my mind works.
Let's see...
I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less.
This is so stupid.
This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone.
To be continued!
No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.
[groans in frustration] You think it's easy?
Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?
It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- [Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen] Hey.
What?
Good work. I'm proud of you. [Pam and Oscar leave] Mother-
[wearing a fur coat] What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, [camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat] you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory.
[enters office, somersaults onto couch, kicks over painting and lamp] Parkour!
Andy & [walking across cars in parking lot, Dwight filming] Parkour! Parkour!
[standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy, looking down] Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time.
Parkoooooour!
[entering break room] Who's getting married?
If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm gonna start screaming.
Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly.
Did everybody know about this but me?
[shaking head disgustedly] Okay... okay. [leaves room]
[approaches Dwight's desk] You'll never guess what I know.
Eric likes Megan.
[annoyed] How do you know this?
 I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist? I should've known. Poopball?
[to Maurie, the Asian intern] Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said "The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle."
I'm talking about your group date with Megan and Eric.
Yes
Well... 
[confused] Stanley was on your group date?
[laughs] Does anybody else know about this?
[laughs, looks to camera excitedly]
There he goes. There he goes. [Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area]
So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything?
Nothing? Well I got a little somethin' somethin'. I don't know if I should say... 
Stanly is having a midlife crisis.
Well apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people.
Who?
[starts to speak, says nothing, walks away]
[entering break room, to Maurie] You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.
Stanley's wife is out of town.
Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?
[upset] I don't get it!
Drugs?
[fumbling for words] Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on.
[approaching Kelly's desk, whispering] Stanley is having an affir.
 I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody's attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, [Michael is seen whispering to Jim, then Pam] that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention.
[motioning to pad of paper with hangman game, spelling out  "S_an_ey is chea_in_ _n _eri] That and that are the same letter.
No... no. He's holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. What's that letter, right there? Same letter here and here. What haven't you guessed?
T! Yes! Yes! That is a "T", and there's another one right there. Just sound that out. You're almost there.
[opening blinds as Stanley walks past] Hey, Stanley! Where you goin', big guy? Up to no good?
No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?
Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.
[giddy, whispering] Did you hear Stanley's having an affair?
Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser... 
[stares at Jim silently, then walks away]
[in parking lot, blocking path of Stanley's car] Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. [Stanley honks horn repeatedly] Stanley, are you having an affair?
So It's not true. Okay, well... ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just... racial profiling gossip.
[nodding] So stupid!
I know, I know.
Oh, I bet.
Wait, hold, hold, hold... so it IS true?
Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool.
[muttering] I'm not saying... a damn thing.
[looking afraid] You can count on me.
[entering kitchen area] Oh, that smells good.
Did you hear about Angela? That's pretty weird.
Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno's on the turnpike.
Uh huh. [gestures to Kevin to keep it quiet] Alright?
 How do you un-tell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including "Stanley is having an affair." It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit.
Yeah.
Anorexia. She's an anorexatic.
Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess.
[to Kelly] I'm worried about Erin, because she's not a very good worker. I don't know how long she's gonna last here.
Yeah. So... and Andy is gay.
Mm hmm.
[whispering to Meredith] Did you hear Pam is pregnant?
Yeah!
[whispering] Guys, guys... you can't believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It's just... there's no stalking it. It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go.
[with everyone assembled in conference room] Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff... who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors.
[entering conference room] Yeah, yeah... you know what? Let's discredit these rumors.
That's not important, Jim, I just think we shouldn't listen to any of that crap.
[quietly leaves room]
Nowhere.
[reluctantly exits elevator]
[to everyone, in conference room] Okay, I made it all up.
Yes.
But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model.
Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself.
Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit.
Okay, okay... here's the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn't want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person.
[sighs] The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that... 
Alright, alright... you know, this is not the truth, and you can't fall on the sword this way. The real thing is that Stanley Hudson had an affair.
Yes. Jim... 
Look at that! [grabs sonogram from Pam] That is the inside of your vagina! [Jim takes sonogram from Michael]
[to Jim and Pam] How long have you known about the pregnancy?
A week? A month? A year?
Did you pee on a stick?
You should've told me.
[phone rings, hits speaker button]
[gasps]
Oh, oh... yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh... oh God.
No, I have to take it, or it'll seem suspicious.
No, no, I can do this.
Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over.
[picking up phone] Hey, what up, Cynthia? [lowers phone, looking terrified]
Hold on a second, Cynthia. 
Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try.
[seated] Ok. Ok. How 'bout this? [rises, waves, sits back down]
I want it to be better than 'Great', Pam. How 'bout I remain seated... and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing. [demonstrates]
Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face. 
Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title's important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder's meeting  and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild.
Ok. Obviously I'm not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.
I am not going to do the twirl. Alright? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I might do the spin.
Ok, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points.
Well, could you condense it please?
It's not a limo. It's a town car. Town cars are actually better, though. Better torque. Better handling.
They sent a limo.
Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they're in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.
[everyone is rushing down the stairs to see the limo] Oh, wait. Wait. Wow. Wow! Oh, no way. Look at that.
Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.
Hey, you know who you should be jealous of? Yourself. Because you're invited and you're invited and you're invited and you and you and you and you and you and you-
What?
The limo seats eight. Ok. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
[others  start raising their hands to be picked] Mmm... whoa.
[in the limo with Dwight, Andy and Oscar] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Definitely. 
Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. That's bigger than my bed.
[the limo driver raises the divider window] Who's playing with the button?
I will have to answer.
No, no. That's too hard. Say your name is Zamboni and then I will say, 'Well, we're sort of on thin ice.' [they all laugh] I won't say that. I'll something like that.
Oh, my god. This is it.
Yes.
Oh, hi.
Well, thank you and, and please call - continue to call me Mr. Scott.
Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys. So -
See you later.
[walking past bodyguards at the door] Officers. Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Thank you.
Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.
It's nice to meet you, too. It's an honor and a privilege. 
Ah. [bows] Your eminence. 
You guys ever protect the president?
What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Rock and roll. [they walk into convention room and are booed by everyone]
[to David] This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
[accidentally into his microphone] We're going bankrupt, you think? [angry jeering from the crowd] They are really angry.
Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. These are not criminals. They are nice. They invited me to come here today. They invited me to their hospitality suite where I  had free food and it was delicious. Get this. Know how nice they are? The sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in Scranton. That's -
Yes.
[board of directors has started to exit] Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. We'll be back with some answers. [a few murmurs from the crowd of 'What answers?'] I - ok. I know that you're mad at me and you're mad at all them -
Ok. Alright. We are gonna - we're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. [crowd starts to agree and perk up] 45 points. It's a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business. [crowd applauds] And you can take that to the bank. [applause continue] And Limo Lady, we are going completely carbon neutral. [crowd has gotten very excited and is cheering] I love you, New York! [Michael does the spin and leaves the stage - then runs back across the stage] You. You.
Wow. Things are really picking up.
What?
I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
We tell them the plan, right? 
Here's what we're gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go. What do we got? We have 15 minutes.
Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.
I am the guy who roused that crowd. 
Got them on their feet. 
They were so happy down there.
Ok. Alright. Well, I know a guy. This Mexican guy. He is a math whiz. He knows economics as well as he knows bull fighting and I am going to call in a little favor.
Well, I'm texting him, so.
It's done. [Oscar, sitting in the lobby, receives a text]
Oh. There he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don't be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don't you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away. [Oscar stands there stunned]
Tell them what you told me. This is genius. 
Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and - this is all - 
It's all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them.
That wasn't what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better. 
O-kay. Oh... hey, hey. [follows Oscar into the hall] What are you doing?
Wow, man. That - 
That was embarrassing.
For me, too. You embarrassed me. 
Well, that was a waste of a text. Let's get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow. 
Uh, I'm not a moron. Time after time my branch leads in sales. I have personally won over 17 Dundie awards. So, I am not a moron and I am just trying to help, you know? So... you're the moron. 
[zipping through the hall while texting]
Yes it is a thrill to be honored by one's company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, 'Wow. Great job.'  That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks.  Limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.
[running out of the building with Oscar, Andy, and Dwight] Oscar! Oscar! Come on!  There he is! There he is! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!  Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Dunder Mifflin!
Yeah, Have a seat.
Okay, right there is the problem.  There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard]  Can you read that back to me?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "nummies," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand."
You can't be a baby in the office.  It makes me look like I hire babies.
Okay, who said that?
[Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot.  And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.
[as Elvis] You're welcome, baby.
Keep.
I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
Keep.
For what?
Oh okay.  I don't know how those got on there...
Must be hackers.
What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?
Worse than that.
Lurk much?  [Erin leaves] I miss Pam.
Is that what we're going for now?  "okay?"  We used to go for "pretty good."
Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better.  I'm not in this for the trophies, but...
Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.
 It would look good, on my mantle.
There you are.  I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.
To change lives.
Yeah, okay.  Call the school, cancel.  I can't go through with this.
Well...
No.
I just, I fell in love with those kids.  and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise.  I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education.  I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.
Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?
I'm not a bad person, I bring good news.  Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college.  Okay, all right.
Would you come with me?  You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin]
Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?
Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?
Good to see you.  Where's your saxaphone?
Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.
Well, you didn't even hear it.
Oh, good.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
No, not at all.  Nope, come on.
Oh, you know what?  You know what?  I shouldn't go in there.  I'm pretty busy, I should just...
Oh.
Wow!
[crying] Oh, God.  Oh, God.
All right.  Wow.  Um, I am never going to forget today.  Not a chance.  I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today.  Who here has done something stupid in their lives?  Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "A" gym and "B" gym, that sort of thing?  Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay.  Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share.  Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go?
Ah.  All right.  I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable.  But you know what's invaluable is intuition.  You know what that is?  That is the ability to know when something is about to happen.  Does anybody out there have intuition?  Know what's gonna happen next?  Nobody?  Okay, you're going to make me say it.  All right, I am so proud of all of you.  Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?
Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition.  Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition.  I'm so, so sorry.
I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.
I lied to myself too.  I'm not a millionaire.  I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close.  And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30.  Maybe by my 50s, I don't know.  I wanted to pay for your education.  I really did.  It was my dream.  Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams.  My dream was in the right place.
Okay, hold on.  Hold on.  Now I can't pay for your college.  But you don't have to go to class to be in class.  Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience.  And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you.
Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.  They're lithium.
Erin, can you give us a second?
Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
What can I do?
I can give you an extra laptop battery.  Not everyone took one.  How about this?  If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?
Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?
Really? Wow.  That's over $200 a year.
For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do.  I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each.  I'm going to date them one year apart.  Now, you are to use one check a year.  And please call me before you cash the check?  Cause I've got monies to move around.
That's a lot of zeroes.
Please stop.  15 lives.  I destroyed 15 young lives today.
Yes.
You're what, like, 12?
I think you're doing a great job.
What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?
Really?
You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.
Yeah.  I just sort've had a feeling about him.  I have a feeling about you too.
Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy]
What the hell is going on?
Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?
Phyllis?
Take it back. That is absurd.
No? No! Jim! Come on!
It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!
Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.
If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.
[santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!
No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name?
Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.
Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God.
What would you like for Christmas little boy?
What did you think was going to happen?
All right, just say "some toys" please.
Damn it Kevin, come on.
Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!
Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Ryan come here! 
Come on, come on.
Ahhh... Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here! 
Just sit down!
Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!
Whoop! Okay, what?
Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless! 
Do you understand, you forced my hand?
Oh, do we? Do "We?" Is that what "we" want? Why don't "we" take a vote on it?
Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are--
No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we --[Dwight counts the raised hands] Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me?
I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat into punch]
I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. "Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself."  That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me?  Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me.
Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget.
Oh the Anti-Christ! 
Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?
Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!
[on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit?
Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
[on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?
[on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley.
[on microphone] I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up.
[on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
[on microphone] No!
[on microphone] Andy had Erin.
[on microphone] What? Was I not supposed to say it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back on.
David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.
I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.
What?
Really? What's going on?
What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?
Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!
What does that mean?
Well, can't Alan protect you?
All of us?
Oh my God.
Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.
Hey. How's everybody doing?
That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.
You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some...  jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room.
I don't want to say. But, "it's fun to stay at the -" [nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know]
"It's fun to stay at the -"
[gestures the YMCA dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves]
You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas.  And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?" 
It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices]
I didn't say anything!
We're going out of business!
David told me on the phone. David told me.
Earlier today. 
He said, we have been sold. [upset murmurs]
Dwight! Jesus! 
David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone.
It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith.
I'll call him. I'll call David.
Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him.
He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.
It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott.
Stephanie could you hop off please?
David!
David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse.
David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned.
Well I think we're past that now.
We're not fired?
Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It's a Christmas miracle! 
Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees]
Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his gift]
Huh. Well, maybe those will help. [puts bag of walnuts on his desk]
Hi Santa.
I'd like to make a wish.
I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry.
You called Bob? 
Come on! Phyllis!
Okay.
Oh God. Get a room Santas!
Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays. 
Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.
[entering on a Segway Scooter] I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?
What is the world's largest ocean?
Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?
That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.
Hello, Stanley.
Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit - 
- since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?
They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.
No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.
[sighs] Oh, my God.
Alright. Excuse me. [slides past Eric to close the door to Ryan's closet office before Eric can see Ryan in there] If you will -
- follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two. [Toby's chair spins around to reveal Dwight filling in for Toby]
I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.
Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?
Stuff. I love stuff.
HR stuff? [pulls up a chair] HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. [pointing to Eric's notes] What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
Ah.
Talkin' bout, uh, what?
Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Oh, time and resources.
No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever. [clip montage]
This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. [to Toby] Right? Would you agree with that?
That's, that is true. [clip montage]
I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin? [clip montage over Daryl's Dunder Mifflin jingle]
I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?
Just - sh -
Shut - 
Shut up. Shut up.
[extended Lazy Scranton video] Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.
So check out how we live
They call it Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.
Plenty of space in the parking lot.
Snack attack time.
We like Cugino's
They call it Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
The Electric City. Scranton!
Ugh.
Oh, yeah. [clapping and chanting] I got a big box, yes I do. I got a big box how 'bout you? [points to Erin]
It's from "Sob-ray", our new owner, and it is to Sabre, us. I wonder what's inside. Scissor me. [Erin tosses Michael open scissors, Pam is appalled]
 Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sabre. [mispronounced "sob-ray"]  They stepped in at the 11th hour, and they saved our asses.  Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could have saved our own asses. We didn't need them touching our asses.
Oh! [rips open cardboard box] Wow. Awesome. [distributing items] For accounting, a brand new printer. And for the sales staff, a new fax machine. This cord has Creed written all over it. And whoever would like a brand new scanner can come visit it in my office. Thank you.
Cool. What next? [Dwight puts his face on scanner]
Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control - 
Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened...
And distributed things which should not have been distributed.
And - [Jim seals box with tape, rips covered with stickers] Wow. Really nice job. This group of people, when they put their minds together, they can do something great. And I think that you should all be proud of yourselves. [cell phone starts ringing from inside box]
Alright, relax. We can do it. We just did it. So we can do this again. Erin, scissor me please. [Erin tosses open scissors across Jim and Pam]
[fumbles] Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok.
Alright, he's on his way up. Okay. Are we ready?
Why do I have to explain everything?
Okay. [starts round of applause]
Gabe seems tall. Hope we get along. Had a very good thing going with David Wallace. He was a good guy. He was somebody I could trust. Here he is. [holding up photo of him and Wallace] You can really see that he is ok taking a picture with me. Even though I was there for disciplinary reasons. 
You know what, Dwight? Let's give him a minute to settle in, shall we? Ok?
Hello, Gabe. I am Michael Scott, co-manager. This is my protege, Jim Halpert. 
In training. 
We're very excited too, aren't we guys? Right?
We have a little song prepared for you.
Sabre. Say-ber. Sabre.
Yes, say-ber. Good. Take it away guys.
Saber.
Wow. Really terrific. 
Perfect.
No. Don't like that.
Mm, nope. Don't like that. 
We'll still get to use the little cups, though, right?
I don't know what they're made of.
You know what can't fit in a bottle, are the 20 little trips I take to the cooler, and the 20 little scans I do of everybody to make sure everything's running smoothly. And the 20 little conversations that I have with Stanley.
There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70 percent of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck ba - 
[in line to fill up water bottle behind Kevin and Toby] Really? You don't have enough water in there? Your stomach?
What?
I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.
I don't want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabre's doing for us.
Well, you should have a little. But it's great that you don't, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes, but I'm - I'll be honest, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of 'em.
All of them.
So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. I'm good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?
Hello. No. My name's Michael Scott. Hello.
Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent.
Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and -
Ok. I feel very strongly that you can't just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because... he knows. He'd know what to do. 
I have already told him, but I will tell him again if you think that will help.
I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre. [rings doorbell] He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by announced. But then again, who is? [loud drumming as door opens] Hey. Hi, sorry.
I hope you're not busy doing something.
You sure?
You look great too. 
Oh, yeah, that sounds good.
Hey. Wow. 
Really loud. 
Wow. Oh, yummy. [David spreads marshmallow fluff on bread] You have got the life, my friend. 
Can I just stay here and never go back?
Oh, man. How much time do you have?
Yeah.
Hi. Sorry, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd come by, see...
I don't know. 
Sabre is changing everything. [Michael and David sitting in hot tub] Site blockers. They don't let us use cups. So I started thinking, who could handle this? Who would know what to do? David Wallace would know what to do. What should I do, David Wallace?
Exactly. What are you thinking?
It is a tough one. 
Yeah. But one would be good.
Okay.
Okay.
So the kid's making the noise to pick it up.
Oh, okay.
No, I think it is-
Yep.
The what?
Oh, okay. 
Like it.
There are very few things that would make me not want to team up with David Wallace. And Suck It is one of 'em. 
See you later. [hugs Wallace]
Bye now.
Thanks for having me. 
Well, that's not the David Wallace that I remember. [reverses out of driveway, Wallace follows him] That is some sort of weird creature that lives in David Wallace's house. Oh, my god. Alright. Just get me out of here. 
Hello. [comes in carrying 4 gallons of orange juice and his water bottle] Is anybody home? Oh, thank you, Erin. Now if everyone would please ready their canteens, so I can fill them with the sweet, sweet nectar of Gabe's homeland, and then propose a toast. Here we go.
You know when people say getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to them? I feel sorry for those people. That's the best thing? Really? Ugh. 
Well, I'm not really one for making speeches.
But I feel pretty good right now. I really do. A lot better than I did earlier. Let me tell you. 
No. This is my toast.  I think this whole thing with Sabre is going to work out. I have a very good feeling about it. 
Here's my toast. Orange juice is in here. And, like Saber, it is from Florida, and it is good. 
Here's the toast. I'm gonna do it now. Raise your container to us and to Sabre.
Mm. Wow. That is metallicy. Ugh. That's like drinking a battery. Ah, really gets you in the fillings, doesn't it? Okay, anyway, welcome. 
Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America!  I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics.
Okey doke.
What?
No.
No. [to hotel employee on phone] We're trying to look it up right now.
Um, come on.
Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation.
Oh.
That's it!
Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please.
Okay, put it on my card.
Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?
[Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight] Why hello!
Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett.
Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job.
Whoa, whoa!
And sometimes I can hardly handle that!
Forget the question...
I humbly accept the management position.
Because, well, Jim. Where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Yes.
No, we know. Texas!
I could manage my way around that.
I will try to manage my excitement!
I have been saying the word "manager" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks "manager" she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa.
Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk?
What?
What? Really?
Wow!
La la la, hello Oscar!
What are you reading?
Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.
Why, is there an untapped gay market?
...Where did you get that information.
Manuel who?
Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled.
Son of a bitch. [enters conference room] Pardon me.
Okay.
Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales.
Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.
No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people.
I'm turning myself in right now!
Thank you.
Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.
How is that possible?
No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen.
Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael's phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales.
[on phone] It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. [hangs up phone, blows train whistle] I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called "Curves." I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it!
Why not? It's part of the sales experience.
Well, okay...
What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here?
No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs?
You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps.
No, this is geological.
Are you kidding me?
And you guys are okay with this?
Oh my God.
Hey.
You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here.
Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch.
I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.
We make a poster that says "Happy Opposite Day!" and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.
Lethal Weapon?
What? What I'm saying...
And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? [dogs go to him] See? They love me.
Alright!
Oh, it smells good in here.
Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?
 Oh, oh, oh!  Contraption!  She's contrapting!  Okay, you know what?  I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why.  I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania.  I gassed up the car...
 Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money.
 Happy to do it.  Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
 Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.
 Oh, yuck!  TMI!  How was it?  I don't want to know.  Tell me later.  Let's go!  Let's go!  Hospital!
 Shut up, Nick.  What a weird thing to say.  Weird I.T. nerd.  Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
 No, no, no, no, no.  You know what?  You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.
 Distractions are good!  That means conference room, five minutes!  No, no, five seconds!  Right now, right now!  Conference room!  Topic, potpourri!  Let's go!
 Um, I am sort of a master of distraction.  When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class.  Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies?  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.  [Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.]
 The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
 I will allow that.
 Okay.
 Does anybody have anything?  Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills?
 Yes, Phyl?
 [ as Pam shakes her head] Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that.
 [as Pam gives the thumbs up]  That sounds good!  Do you need some music, or...?  Okay.
 [as Pam has another contraction]  Where are we?  We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.  Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there.
 Yeah, happy times.  Come on.  Let's have happy times.
 Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor.  And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor.  Erin, read the first one.
 Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples.  Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
 Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
 Okay, the opposite of that?
 Ooh, someone's freakin'.
 I think he is.
 Pam, Pam!  Okay, alright, okay, it's time.  Time to go to the hospital.  Somebody get Jim, please!  Is it midnight yet?
 4:35.  Alright, almost made it.  Almost made it.  Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later.  But you had to have the afternoon delight.  I understand.  Sometimes you have to go for it.  Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
 We can do...
 Oh.  What?  You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
 What is October feast?
 Okay, okay, Jim.  I think this feast is over and it's time to go to the hospital.
 That's right, let's do this.
 Let's go, Pam.  Yeah, I think we should head out.
 Are you kidding?
 You can do this.  You can do this.
 I'm scared, too.
 Yeah.
 We're going to have a baby.
 Let's do that.
 Two minutes apart.
 It's okay.
 I know, I know, I know.  It went by too soon.
 We're okay, Jim!  Okay, Pamela.  You know what time it is?
 You're not going to.  You know where you're going?
 Yes, you are.  And you know what you're going to have?
 Yes!  We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby.
 I got it!  I got it!  Everybody it's go time!  At your stations.  Stanley, man the phones.  Meredith, please, get bottled water.  Erin, call an ambulance, please!
 No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive.  I will drive you.  Check!  Got it.
 Yes.
 Go bag! Where's my go bag?  Where's my go bag?
 You are telling me now that there is nothing in it.  Okay, great!  Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
 No, no, no.  Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Dwight, Jim and  Here we go!
 Thank you!  Wish me luck!
 [entering the elevator] Here we go!  Here we go!  On our way!
 Come on, Stanley!  Okay.  We're going now!
 No, no, no, no!  Out, out!  Idiot.
 Dwight, what is the traffic like?  
 Alright.
 Geesh, Dwight!
 What!?
 Where?
 By the bushes?
 Okay, go, go, go, go!
 Okay, just breathe...  She?  You found out?  Come on, guys.  I wanted to be surprised.
 Yeah?
 I'm texting about you, okay!?
 Guys, guys!  Stop fighting, come on.  Come on.  Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer?  Right?  Okay, you know what?  I am all over this.  Here we go.  [as he calls Dwight]  Ready?
 Hello, Dwight.  Pam left her iPod at her house.  I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital.  We need it yesterday.
 Okay.
 Okay.
 Do you have everything, guys?
 Okay, alright.  [he parks in an ambulance zone]
 Dunder-Mifflin.  It's okay.  [he throws the keys into bushes across the street]  I just did.
 Where is my little nibblet?  Halpert, room D1.  Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you.  Here we go.
 [looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby]  Okay, not yet, not yet.  I'm going to go wash my eyes.
 That kid's going to have a lot of hair.
 I think it's going to be any minute now.
 Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
 Oh, my God.  Go, go, go!  Are you insane?  Alright.
 [Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room]  Guys?  Hello?  Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna...
 You're starting, you're kinda losing them.
 [smoking a cigar]  Yeah, that's right.  It's a baby, see?
 Okay.  You can't smoke anywhere these days.
 Guys, guys!
 Eleven pounds...
 Thank you!  Thank you!
 Where's the baby?  I want to see the baby.  Oh!  Oh, Helene, hi.  Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this?  Congratulations on being a grandma.
 Hello.  Oh, good for you.  I worry about you.
 Love you, as a friend.
 Ooh, I want to hold the baby!
 Alright.
 Oh, okay.
 Mm-hmm.  Oh.  Ooh, wow.  Michael.  Michael.
 There she sat.  Her name was Pam.  She was a receptionist.  She was engaged to an animal.  There sat Jim.  He was a gawky, tall salesman.  The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able.  I made a family!  I got these two together, and I made a family.
 Who else here is single?
 I am offering up my services to you all.  You saw what I did with Pam and Jim.  I can help you, too.
 Okay, show of hands.  Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?  [Stanley raises his hand]  Who else?  Come on!  People, I know models!
 Ha ha, you got that right!  Meredith?  Come on, you're obviously single.
 Andrew, what about you?
 Well, when you least expect it, expect it.  I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love.  I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person.  And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
 What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life?
 I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
 Okay, hold on.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth.  Why don't you guys get to know each other?  Maybe have lunch together?
 Good!
 Sure.  Kevin, please leave.
 Bye.
 Okay.  This is going to kill Kevin.
 I'm not so sure.  Kevin has an enormous heart.  Literally, he has an elephant heart.  He had a transplant when he was seventeen.  Had some problems, blah blah blah.
 No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart.  But he is very sensitive.  And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him...  I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
 Just don't let him sit on you...  I'm kidding.  You'll have fun.  It'll be good.  It'll be good.  There he is.  Go to him.
 Kevin.  Erin would like a few words with you.
 Oh, my God, this is agonizing.  Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
 Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin.  And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
 No.
 Lynn was as hot as Erin.
 This isn't about me, and that is debatable.  And I have a personality, where as you...  Yes, Andy?
 Kev...  Nice.  Going.
 [smoking a cigar]  There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love.  And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today...  I think I'm going to be sick...
Hello hello. Top of the morning to you!  Ooh ooh! Green M&Ms! Nature's Viagra! [Grabs and pours Kevin-esque scoop of M&Ms into his coat pocket] Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It'll be a good day.
It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
Morning, honey-pile.
It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Yes it is!
No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.
Mm, that sounds great, actually.
When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don't care if you're a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!
That is a great idea JB.
Oscar, homosexual accountant.
Daryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse...
Okay.
Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job! We're very proud of you. You know what, we're gonna tape that up on the refrigerator in the kitchen.
Oh no! Say it's not so, Jo, we're gonna miss you, we're gonna miss you so much!
Well, I am heading down there. 
How about July 4th weekend? [Reveals paper ticket]
I did!
You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and -
All right, everybody, just try to put a brave face on.
Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael. Jo invites Michael to house. Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Hmmm.
Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now. You are stressed, and I'm taking you to lunch.
No is not an option.
All right. Well if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.
[laughs] I'll be over there.
Very nice. 
A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye. How'd you make that happen?
Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?
How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?
Okay. All right. 
Hey there. So I think I'm done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier.
Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so. 
Right. What?
Mm. mm. Oh well.
No, no, no. That's super-clear-ish. [Exits, closes door, takes off coat.] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Hey Pack-man.
How you doing stud? You already there?
How's the lady situation?
Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.
Yeah. Maybe next year.
How late do we have to work tonight?
Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would've turned thirty. That's just - that's just depressing.
Hello Jo.
There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sorta late. It's 8:30. And it's St. Patrick's Day, which is a world ethnic holiday. So I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees.
I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, both quality and the quantity. Great performance, Very, very solid all the way around. 
Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day. [Starts to leave office] And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee. Although I do look forward to our professional relationship.
Yes.
Excuse me, excuse me. Hey guys!
Drinks are on me!
Oh -hoh! All right.
Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre? I don't know. There is a chance. Yes. I tell you I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her, and pretend to work late?  Nah. I spent all day, trying to make her like me, and I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her?  As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin says, "Don't worry, be happy."
Okay. Okay, all right. Best night ever. [Meredith joins behind Packer] What the hell is going on back there?
Hey Jim, Jim. Come here. [holds up photo] Do you know who that is?
Look at him. Look at him - t-shirt, jeans...
[laughs] I am flattered. That's Johnny Depp.
In my condo complex.
I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.
[feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim - where, where do I find the Black Pearl? 
Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim. 
No. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?
Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.
I know, I know.
I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.
[speaking at a staff meeting] First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don't have a pet, please don't feel like - 
Ah, yes, the leads. The leads that Sabre has spent $50,000 to get from a market research company... are not here yet. But will be.. [muttering, people rise to leave] No, no, meeting's not over.
No sales topic per se.
Dwight?
I would like your undivided attention, please.
Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was: make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.
Yeah.
M-hmm.
Is that all you have to say to me?
Wow, wowie wowie. Congratulations. It's a big cheque. [Jim stands in corner, texting]
Stop sexting Pam. I'm trying to congratulate you.
You writing your memoirs over there?
Well, it's a pretty big check.
Okay. Don't gloat. Here's the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people. 
I'm just saying, that - 
Honey and jelly sandwich time. [removes lunch from fridge]
Oh, you got to be kidding me. [holds up squashed sandwich] Look at that. That's - 
You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?
The sales department smashed my sandwich. 
You don't get it.
That's what she said.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Ah, just the stupid leads.
Alright. Then I guess I should give them out. Hold on. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want. You guys are acting like you own this place. And you don't. Not even Sabre owns this place. It's a rental. I'm kind of sick of the attitude around here. I'm sick of the cocky walk, I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face, I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim... I think I am not going to give these to you. [Angela, Kevin and Oscar applaud]
Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just - imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone.
They act like I have no power.
Hmm. Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that. 
Exactly that. 
Exactly that. 
Hello. May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I'm going to give the leads to... King Creed! [hands him a lead]
- and to King Meredith! [hands her a lead]
And to King Angela! [hands her a lead] Because today we are all kings. And queens [pats Oscar's shoulder]. 
I'm giving them the leads, Phyllis. 
Hey.
Mm-hmm.
Okay. [passes Jim some index cards]
Alright.
Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?
I do understand it. 
Or is it?
Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. [cuts to Jim fishing one of the leads out of a catering size tin of Ravioli] A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally [clue next to Jim reads: 'Now that's Italian!'] Some yokel sitting behind his desk saying take a lead, learn nothing [cut to scenes of chaos as everyone argues] Some people shouldn't be in this business.
Well, bigshot, 'If you want to find your leads, go to the man who never breathes'. 
Wait. What day is today?
Oh my god. Oh my god [takes off running] oh my god, no, no no, hey, hey [chases after garbage van] wait, wait!
Okay. You know what, let's just go to the dump, start looking - Ryan, c'mon, shotgun in my car - 
Why? Because I am not going to call Sabre and say, 'Hi, you know those very valuable expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? Well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, they're now in the city dump."
Well, that's not the way it's going t sound. Here's what we're going to do. We'll go to the dump, we'll look around, then we'll all go out and get pizza, maybe catch a movie, late-night drink, some more pizza, call it a night. What do you - 
Really?
Okay, no, you encouraged it. You were complicit [looks to Jim for vocab-reassurance] Complicit. You were all successories!
You can.
Okay fine, I get it. I'll just go by myself.
You know, Dwight, there was a time when you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me.
Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters. 
[kicking through rubbish at the dump] You've changed, man.
Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.
No, I'm talking about your personality, Dwight.
Assistant to the managed him - 
Yeah.
You think you would have done better without me? Really?
Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend - I shouldn't have been hanging out watching karate movies with you - 
You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies - 
 That's my wife you're talking about, man.
If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you. 
No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in!
Don't even think about that [Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.]
Okay, Dwight. Here we go [picks up a sink, spills dump juice on his pants] oh god.
We're never going to find those leads, are we? [they both sit on the edge of a claw-footed bathtub]
This [picks up racquet] Why would somebody throw that out?  
Yeah, she does - she loves purple. [Dwight sniffs it] Does it stink?
Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That's it. And the caption would read: 
In the dump.
No! Better!
How many is that?
Count the last one.
Oh, new record!
Oh, what did you do today?
Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.
My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups -
Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Ooh! I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?' Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified!
What do we got? Creed, disqualified.
[Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Oh, wow, that is adorable!
Yeah, I'm betting one more.
Good.
Alright, alright. [chanting continues]
Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.
Yes?
Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time. 
Ok, yes. Sure. 
No, I got that.
I am in.
It's a deal.
Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs]
It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party...
Sucks to be you.
That would be sublime.
Yes.
Hello, how are you?
What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs]
Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.
No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.
So, what do you do?
Really? 
See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?
Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome. 
About what?
She's nice. 
Yeah.
Uh, yeah, sure.
About what?
[removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap]
Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang.
Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink]
Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready?
I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
[choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close. 
I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers. 
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah, why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun.
Really? You told on me. That's lame.
Yes. Homelessness. What?
Where?
Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I'm just kidding around. I'm sorry. 
She can't talk to us that way.
You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
Well, I am starting it again!
Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize. 
I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you. 
Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
I've written all of it... in my head.
If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.
I own a Chrysler.
No, you shut up.
Grenadine.
I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre. 
I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
No, no.
No, it's Michael Scott.
He is I.
Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up]
Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves]
Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady. 
I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me. 
  [knock at Michael's Office door] Yeah?
  Yes, Oscar come on in.  Close the door if you would.  Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me.  
  I'm going in for a procedure today.
  Yeah, it's routine.  I'm just a little bit scared.  
  It is a colonoscopy.
  In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry?  
  My main concern, should I have a safe word?
  Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night.
  Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds.
  Oh right, this thing. I remember now.  [whispers to Jim]  What's this about?
  It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there.
  Really?
  Alright, do you mind if it sit this out?  I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out.
  Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me?  No, because we are the Three Amigos.  And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off... to the bathroom... while the other two have a secret meeting.  [shrugs]
  Hey let me escort you to your desk.
  You and Jim are close, huh?
  Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you... 
  Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in.
  If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar.  That's how it works.  They inherit things through the breast milk.
  I just don't want you to lie to me.  I don't want you to ever lie to me.  Have I ever lied to you?  
  I just don't want you to.  
  [walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired.  Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now.  I will... I love you too.  Bye.
  Sorry about that.  What'd I miss?
   Do not mind!  Yes, I do!  No, I don't.  Yes, I do!  No, I don't mind.  Catch you guys on the flippity flop.  Oh this... call waiting.  [answers his phone] Yeah, uh huh,  well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes.  
  Yeah.
  Nope.
  No, I think they're talking about me.
  What is Jim telling him?  That I can't handle this job?  That 's bull crap.  That is bull crap.  Although, it has been chaotic lately.  Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients.  I will tell you there has been work everyday.  Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve... I left my cell phone here.  
  [staring into the conference room] How are your sales doin'?  
  Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay?  
  Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.  
  You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work?  Well, I don't believe that.  I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart.  It is just elegant.  
 [in the cheese cart] Be my eyes.
  [crawls out of the cheese cart unseen] Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me.  How you doin'?  
  Yes, definitely.
  Look who you're talking to.
  Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever.
  [looks at Jim]   Permission to speak on the record?
  Jim is like Big Bird.  He is tall and yellow and very nice.  But would I put him in charge?  No, I don't think so.  Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions.  I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe.  
  Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here.  Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable.  
 It's not very well written, but you get the gist.  
  I can just continue to run it myself.  
  This was Jim's idea?  
  Wow.  Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block.  
 [after talking to David, Jim looks dejected] I can't help but feel partially responsible. 
  [shakes jelly beans] Little pick me up?  [Jim accepts] Oh those are the best.  Little sugar rush.  
  Well we did talk about how handsome you are.  
  Oh what a week, God.  We said... I know there were certain things we said... 
  Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out.  Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.  
  Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion.  
  Yes!
  Yes.
  Hey David, this is Michael Scott.  [Jim pushes speaker phone button]  Michael Scott here.  
  Just wanted to talk to you about  Jim Halpert.  I understand that he did not receive the promotion.  And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.  
  Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him.  
  Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly.  That file had been falsified.  Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.  
  Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face.  Alright,  Just do it.
  I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don't wanna lose the baby.  
  That's what she... 
  Kind of in the middle of something here.  
  I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself.  Let's both.  
  [on phone] Hello.
  No, it's just us.  
  Oh, oh, well here he is right now.  [Michael knocks on desk]  Come in.  [Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer]  
  Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
  I like that, so manager and co-manager.  
  Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager.  
  Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement?  
  Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.  
  Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts.
  What's happening to me?  I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together.  Jim Halpert, welcome.
I'm going to give Erin $15.
A one-on-one lunch with Erin?
She's kind of a rube.
Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch.
[walks over to Erin's desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day. 
I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...[Erin snaps a picture of Michael] lunch.
Ugh.
Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm...
Okay, well, we'll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office]
[looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around] Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.
All right.
[in his car with Erin driving to lunch] Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. 
[shakes head, annoyed] I don't know. 
Ahhh.
Right. [sighs]
An age or month?
I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird. 
So how are things going with Andy?
Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo.
Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.
I don't think he is the best dresser.  Reminds me of Easter.
Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh.
Okay.
I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else. 
They were engaged, so... [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir?
Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles?
Thank you.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well...
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now. 
[turns to other restaurant patrons] I'll have what she's having!
[in Michael's car] Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch. 
You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so..
No. No. No. 
Stop talking.
Oh God.
Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap.
You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
Erin?
No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down?
Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing. 
Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis. 
You said butt.
Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: "Hey! Hey Scott!"
[walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? "Oscar. I am the Count." Nailed him. Nailed him. [Gives Kevin a fist pump] Good work Cookie Monster.
Buenos dias, Erin.
No, no, no, no. Solamente en espanol, por favor.
I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country should learn how to speak Spanish. They are our neighbors to the South, and this would be a healing thing for... for all of North America. And... I am going on vacation next week to Cancun.
Buenos dias, Jaime.
Ha ha! Buenos dias, Dwight!
La telefona.
[clears throat] Oh. Eso es lo que dice, el!
Damn it. [knock on door] Ah, Angelo.
Yo soy Cancun.
Can you smell the power of the Halperts? Power couple.
I went with the people I thought would put the best face on the company. 
Did somebody order a hooker over here?
Hi. How are you?
There's this woman I met a few weeks ago. Her name is Donna, the manager of Sid & Dexter's and, right now, we're in the midst of a passionate love affair. Um, no. But she is coming by today. Maybe to buy some printers, so... 
Right here, we have the wonder twins, Jim and Pam Halpert. They will be assisting you today. 
[barges in] Hi.
Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Do you, Donna, by any chance shop at Victoria's Secret?
Because I keep getting these magazines sent to me via the address of the woman who used to live in my condo before me.
Uh, yes, uh, the sale is on now through May.
Okay, I have more of them.
I took the liberty to scan a few things earlier, and I want to show you... there we go! [Michael's picture pops up on the PowerPoint screen] Whoa, look at those vivid colors. Look at my eyes. Those are Shrek-green eyes. That is me again. I think this displays the crisp, dazzling white. 
And that would be a display [image from a catalog of a man wearing only white boxers pops up] of the crisp, gorgeous black.
It's subtle. That's how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. 	And then she looks at me, then back at me, then back at the image. Soon, she doesn't know what is me, what is the image. She just knows that she's turned on. 
This is a place that I like to go to be alone with my thoughts. I've never taken anybody there before.
Ryan.
And that's it. That's me. That's who I am. 
Oh, thanks. [softly] You're not bad, either. 
Hmm.
Jim! Could you come in here for a sec? What was that printer we were looking at? 
[in his office] You didn't see it, Pam. She was giving me all sorts of signals that she wanted me to make a move. Shortbread?
Oh really, Jim? What about Pam? And you did a heck of a lot more than kiss. Maybe this could be my Pam. 
Look, I know that I screwed up in there. I know that I probably messed up your sale. I just want to go in and fix it. 
So maybe we could find a little wiggle room, right? 
Maybe wee find some wiggle room?
I think we could. [Donna giggles]
Okay, well sometimes... sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like for tax purposes.
Why don't you run them again?
If she is, it's working. 
So corporate approval of this contract is contingent upon buyer and seller... 
Operating blahdy blahdy blah. Boilerplate. Pound of fish. [Donna laughing] Just kidding. Do you like mints?
I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those?
They're good [Donna grabs mint]
Sure.
I can't stop myself from kissing her.
Okay, guys, guys, guys. Just tell me it's not totally insane to try one more time.
Okay. What do you think?
Andy?
Okay, some for, some against.
Pam?
I'm going with Pam's group.
Here we go.
Okay.
No, guys, guys, guys. Guys, just... thank you for talking. Wish me luck.
What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he had just stopped, given up, after two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment. I still would have seen it, but that's not... the point.
We should have your contract done by Thursday. 
Okay. 
Yeah it was nice to do business with you, too.
I don't know. I think so.
[whispers] Okay. So... Oh, Donna?
Thank you so much.
Mmm. [Donna giggles]
[follows her out of office] Ahem. So, um... okay, if you have... if there's any other questions that you have... 
All right. All right. Bye.
And have a good elevator ride.
Oh, what's that out there?
I don't know. I don't know. Can't really trust my feelings anymore. 
She suckered you too.
Was it the cleavage?
Yep.
God. She left this here?
Okay. Maybe she wants me to return this to her at her work. 
Yeah. This could be a signal. People don't just take barrettes off. 
[hold up barrette] Well... 
Yeah, I know. I know.
I know. You're right. Thank you. Thanks everybody. [waves, returns to his office, clears throat, turns around and runs out of office]
[runs down to parking lot, sighs]
Oh. You're still here. I have your baguette.
You know what? Everybody told me that you weren't interested. Everybody. And I didn't believe 'em. And they were right. So... there's your barrette. 
Who?
About what?
No, no. No.
No... [they kiss again]
[returns to office] What happened?
Really?! Oh, that's great. That's such good news. I did it! [all look at him] I kissed. We kissed. 
No, I'm serious. It... this happened. I went down to the parking lot and I was... I returned her barrette [holds up barrette] We ki... We did. Okay. We did. We did. 
You know what? It doesn't matter. Because I know it happened. And that is all that counts. [shouts] I did do it!
Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Get back to work, Dwight. Please. 
Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!
Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend.  So just shout it out.
Okay.
Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas.
Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out. 
Oh!
That's fun.
All right.
We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's. 
Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, "I wanna go to Mount Pocono," you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI. 
You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see.
You guys think Donna's cheating on me?
... and... we had sex, too.
How?
How do I not make any more of it?
All right.  [all stand up to leave] And she won't say, "I love you."
Nine dates. I said it on the second date. 
Yeah, she does all that.
No, no... 
Run what?
Why didn't you just say that, Pam? 
Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world. 
Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit. 
That's what makes it so wrong. 
Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me. 
[whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator. 
This is you. How much do you charge?
I'll give you $50. Money's no object. 
Okay. 
It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives. 
It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God. 
I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says. 
Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update.
It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok. 
God, this is so disgusting. 
I know. 
That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan.
Helene?
Oh.
Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life. 
[sighs] All right. [calls Dwight]
You're back. What happened?
No, what happened with Donna?
Ugh!
No. No! Are you sure?
Who eats eight protein bars?
Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over. 
What? No, she didn't say that.
I am not paying for that membership. 
[sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs] Ohhh... mmm... 
No, I like the attention. Is she here yet? 
That's her?
Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I'll talk to you later. 
I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind.
Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want. 
If you wanna dump me, I totally get it. 
Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]
...poop my pants.
Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?
We are? 
Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That's exciting.
Hey.
Well it can wait. It can wait.
Jim is her husband. 
And they are having problems, so sh... 
Good in bed.
Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?
Okay, weirdo. 
Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?
Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?
God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?
I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him. 
I have to hear it from her. 
I need to have her tell me herself. Right? 
I need to have her say... 
I need to say, "What the hell is that? What the hell is that?"
No, God! No, no, oh, my God!
[calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay.
You know what? We should really do something fun this week. 
Wouldn't that be fun?
How about Thursday?
I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?
Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert. 
Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by. 
Nope, that's Tuesday.
You're cheating. You're cheating on me. 
Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor]
Who is he?
The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it? 
I'm the mistress?
 Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place.  The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. [finds radon kit in between his blinds in his office] But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. [throws it away] The second time... I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. [finds another radon kit on top of his cabinet] Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time... I did it out of spite. [takes radon kit from the top of the blinds of his office window and slams it into the trash can]
 Pfffffttt.
 You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?
 You know what? We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom.
 Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
 Okay, alright.
 I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
 Okay geniuses, how would you do it?
 I don't know.
 Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.
 [shouting] Toby, just do it! God!
 Good work. [clapping]
 [walks in] Morning everyone.
 Hello!
 Oh, thank you. It's reversible, I think. [everyone laughs]
 Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That's my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share?
 Okay. Well... that's random. I will dig into those later.
 No, I gotta go. Text me later.
 Hey.
 Oh, Hooters to go. Nice.
 That... exists?
 Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer.
 Okay, Pam... she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions.
 Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?
 I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
 Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
 People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
 I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer.
 He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. [points to Andy] It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.
 I'm sorry, it... why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat...
 On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.
 Real sports with Bryant Gumble.
 You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.
 Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. 
 Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him. 
 I am Beyonce always.
 Yes, I am.
 I would love that.
 I have work to do. 
 Let's go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her. 
 All right, Andy, please. 
 Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That's him. That's him.
 Right there. The coach!
 Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base? 
 All right. Can you just-- can you just act normal for a second, please?
 You have no idea what you're talking about.
 You don't. No, no.
 You don't know. You don't-- you don't know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn't even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes?" "High-five, Donna." "Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?" "Hi-five. I'm taking all the credit."
 Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. 
 I know, I know, I know. It--I'm--it-- that was a euphemism.
 Shh! Okay, all right. Don't, don't.
 [whispers] Okay.
 No. God. You go talk to him. 
 No, no, no. 
 I'm good. Oh, my God. 
 Sorry. I got some stomach cramps.
 Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo! Whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond.
 Okay, orange slices. There ya go. 
 Don't thank me. Thank Dylan's mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo!
 You love it. There ya go. 
 Uh, no, they didn't say team. They just said coal Hawks. 
 Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane. 
 I did.
 No. We just talked. He's very nice. 
 It did not. 
 Isn't it?
 I'm awful, aren't I? 
 I'm an awful guy! Ooh!
 I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for. 
 I don't care. I have an appetite for life! [eats cake] Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That's Lemon.
 You'll learn, baby. You'll learn.
 Yeah, I noticed that. 
 Nope.
 I have got big balls.
 Okay. [Phyllis avoids looking at Michael] Phyllis. Okay. Look at me. [continues to look away] Phyllis, look at-- [Phyllis turns to leave] okay, that's... [chases after her] All right, all right. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that's going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna.
 Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate.
 Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything.
 Nobody better try to stop me. Good. [leaves the office. door closes]
 [driving in car; returns to office; grabs ice cream out of freezer] How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. [beeping; cut to Donna who is waiting in the parking lot of the motel] Like a grownup.[Donna receives text from phone] That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. [Donna has disappointed look; cut back to Michael in his office opening ice cream] At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or... being happy. And I picked... the... former.
 Yes?
 [sighs] Umm... I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to... the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again.
 Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do-- what? What's going on?
[on Youtube video] There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. [phone rings, Michael picks it up] Michael Scott, as seen on TV.
OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!
Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough.
Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site.
Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times. 
Yes. 
Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it!
Please. 
Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. [looks toward computer] It's trying to stand up... [choking up] there it goes.
Jo! We were not expecting you!
Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office.
Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.
There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like... 
Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.
Okay.
We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda. 
Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can. 
I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right.
Okay.
Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers.
Is there something that you would like to say to me?
About talking to the press?
Mmhmm.
I don't believe you.
That's a little much. All right, all right, all right.
Okay, I believe you, I believe you. 
Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?
Oh, no, no, no...
Oh my god. Was she cute?
Oh, god, Darryl! 
I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is.
You leaked it?
I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh god... my mind is going a mile an hour. 
Oh.
Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.
So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes.
No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think. 
What do we got?
It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew.
Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.
Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case.
No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers.
Just don't say no.
That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just...
Okay. You can count on me.
Hey Jo.
I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it.
What?
It doesn't matter what I know. 
Why?
Well, deal with this. [crosses arms]
What?
Are you going to kill me?
[on Jo's jet] Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but... I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police.
I have rights.
I am not going to tell you anything.
Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down.
And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly.
Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.
Hmm, hmm.
You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.
I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] You were playing too.
[to press] We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?
That was fun.
Thanks. Today helped.
Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua. 
No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic.
That is not big picture.
... Okay.
That is not-- okay-- that is day-to-day.
You're trying to trick me.
Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while.
Yes?
Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office?
Welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Disruptive.
No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important. 
Let's do.
N-- well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the-- ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets... 
At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.
Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust. 
You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Yes.
Alright. No more meetings this week. 
I can be very suprising.
Mm-hmm?  
Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.
Stanley, you don't need to answer that.
What do you mean by "these people"?
Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room.
Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want.
What do you guys think? [all start talking at the same time] 
No, no, no, you don't need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people. 
That is not what Wallace told us. 
That is not the way I heard it.
It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around. 
No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. [Michael pulls out his cell phone] I will call David Wallace.
Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just--
Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager. 
Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision. 
Which is it more of? 
I thought maybe we could talk after this is over. 
No, it will not be. I am on top of it.
Talk to you later-- [Jim hangs up] Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. [sighs, and claps hands once] Alright, I am looking forward to this. 
I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore. 
All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.
Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?
You use your brain too much.
Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
As I was saying it.
[in nerdy voice] Con-- you look like a nerd.
Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Con-- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.
That will not go over well. 
Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself. 
No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue. 
And then another--
Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are. 
Ha! That-- I am not known for that!
Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?
Ah. 
Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!
Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? [laughs] You call it.
[to the camera] This had better be terrible. 
That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you [someone growns in disgust], and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This--
My plan-- a man-- panama. 
Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise? [all say yes] Alright, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do. 
What about a raise based on merit? 
Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best. 
Are you making a--
Toby.
Just wanted to draw a picture of him. 
Alright! Who to pick? [walking around the table] Who to pick? 
I... will skip a turn. 
I need more time. 
Hey, what are you guys doing in here? 
[leaving his office, hurrying to Jim's office]  
[in Jim's office] How you doing?
Oh, what are you usually?
Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero. 
I know, I know. 
Yes, we did. 
Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. [leaves office]  
You're welcome. 
Gin. [toast, sip]  
[someone knocks] Just pretend we're not here.
[standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding] What do you think? I spent all morning on it.
It's just a really important day for me.
Thanks.
Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. [hugs Angela]
No.
And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Yes. I said that yesterday.
Dwight... 
No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!
Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.
Get out of here.
Oh, my God, Dwight.
There's... a name.
Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Is that all you have on her?
You're an idiot.
[in car, Michael driving] Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep.
Those glasses are super dark.
Alright. We need some tunes, I think.
You did?
That was nice of you.
Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
No. No. That's not how it works.
Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.
Mmm-hmm.
I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.
Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room.
I'm staying in your--  Come on, Dwight.
I would do the same for you.
Yes.
Yes... just go--
Oh. Thank God.
Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why.
If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay.
Ok.
I don't have a room?
Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.'
Jerk.
When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.
Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
You... are... kidding me.
I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?
That's rude.
You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word.
How ya doin'?
Nice to meet you.
Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and--
[talking quietly, trying not to move his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives.
Didn't move my lips.
Head table, where I belong.
Well, who's that one?
What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?
They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.
That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing]
And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.
Yeah. Go ahead.
[clears throat] Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex--
Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
When you c-- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
When you use something to block-- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman--
...but it's different for the-- ok. Ok.
Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word.
Jim.
That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it.
I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
I have not found that to be the case.
Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.
There's gonna be a free room?
Hi, Mema. It's Michael.
Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.
Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. [turns off tv]
You're welcome.
Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life.
Exactly.
I know.
They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema.
Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.
What are you wearing?
Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Ok. [Dwight howls] That's not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. [both howl as they exit]
Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
[talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.
Yes.
Why?
Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you.
They're men, Dwight.
Something is wrong with you.
[over phone]  Is that Pam?  Hey, have her come out!  Have her come out!  It would be like Coyote Ugly.  
[over phone] I love you! [laughs]
Mmm!  It's after midnight. [points at Jim]
Oh my God.  You're not going to be able to talk back.
 She'll be sitting home saying, "Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons."  [Dwight laughs] "And... and clip my toenails."
 Now you sound like Kermit.  
[folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket] Why don't you take a picture.  It'll last longer.  God.  Can't I get a little privacy? 
[passes Isabel] Hey, good morning.  [to Dwight] It's about damn time.  I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half.  [walks into hotel room]  Oh my God, Dwight.  This room is a pit.
 [watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that?
 Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself.
 She was cute.  You know?  She was hot.  She was very hot.  She made love like a tiger.
She was from Europe.
Uh-huh.  
No. 
Wait a second.  You're not into her?  Are you kidding me?  
 She's Pam's best friend.  You guys could double date.  Swap maybe?
 No... you're crazy.  
 She's-- okay.  Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist?  You have to take x-rays.  You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth.  You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in.  It-- it--
 [stands up and walks away]  I already have my European girlfriend.  
Oh, here we go.  They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so-- how much cash does a person need?  I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special.  I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory.  [holds up painting]  And I have another one of them in the nude.  But that one is for me.  
[to Isabel] Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either.  Where are you sitting?  You need a seat buddy?
Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid.  Where am I gonna go?
 [to Pam's mom] Hey.  Hi.  Do you--would you have a snack in your purse?  You're a mom.  I just figured you might have--
Oh!  Eww... apricot.  Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or--
Oh... okay.  Were you saving it?  
 I'm sorry. [puts food in his mouth] Ugh.  Apricot.  Made of real apes.  
 my weekend was bad so far.
 I came here hoping to meet somebody.  You know, as you do at weddings.  End up going to sleep by the vending machine.  It was loud, but it was warm.
And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else.  
 It is a terrible year for love.
 I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Oh, wow.  That sounds hilarious.  I do actually. [pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them]  There you go.  Use it in good health.  
 [walks up] Yes! Yes!  I have so much joy...  in my heart... right now.  How do I look?  
Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube.
The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. "Mental" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Get out.
Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake.  But you can't just go right to the selling, you need "small talk."  What topics can you use for small talk?
Mmhm.
Mmhm.
Yes, what else?
No.
Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?"
All right... 
Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.
What?
[into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman... 
Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made. 
Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Mmhm.
Yep. 
Okay.
There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.
Okay, well.
Do your worst. [they shake hands]
[Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great.
Mmhm.
Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
There is no such things as monsters.
Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.
He did talk about a fire in the warehouse...  and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
[over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down.  Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?
Okay.
Um it is, Grotti.
Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
I'm not gonna lock my door.  [door closes. Then clicks locked]
It's Grotti. He's following up.
[reads email] "I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business."  
Yeah.
Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?
Okay, I'm calling the police. 
All right.
Shh!
That's not gonna happen.
What am I supposed to do here?
I was thinking exactly the same thing.
I don't know, I don't know about that.
Hold on, hold on! Just-
All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.
[Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat?
Let's go, come on. [whispers] God!
Forget it! Forget it!
[Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!
Oh my God!
Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.
Hello.
 Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Yes.
Well.
Okay.
That's not true.
Okay shut up.
I will have the gabba-gool.
The gabba-gool.
I don't, I don't have to have that.
Guys, guys-
That's okay.
Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad. 
If the salad is on top, I send it back.
I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad.
Hey, do you need any help?
He's a good mechanic.
I don't...
Okay, okay okay.
Yep, all right.
Put it down.
Okay.
Okay.
It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
I had to make a snap decision Dwight. 
It was a lot of snap decisions.
Yes!
Just get in the car.
Jim?
Oh thank God.
It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier. 
Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend.
Okay!
Jim? Are you?
What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.
No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!
 No!  Oh my God!
No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!
 Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God.
Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.
No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.
But Grotti acts like he's mafia though.
[grunts]
If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.
This is Scott.
Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd.
I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.
I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
You suck!
And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?
Doubt it. [disconnects call]
What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?
No. What do you mean?
What?
Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not.
So I looked him in the eye and I said, "Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead." I said something like that. 
Erin?
Coffee?
Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back. 
Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back.
Go.  Any questions?
Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there?
Is someone there? I can't see you because I'm blind.
[gasps] It is?
They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! [reaching out with hands at chest level]
And oh, Jim... 
Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy.
Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him. [groans]
[behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning]
I have recently taken a lover. 
Pam's mom.
Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?
About what?
Oh, big time.
She drives a green camry.
And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.
[laughs] What?
Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright?
Get the hell out of here, idiot.
I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-
She's right on my way home from work.
I di- alright, I'll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam.
Yeah.
Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?
Sure. Thanks for asking.
[unwraps rum gift] Oh, wow.
That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.
Erin, look. [holds up parrot rum bottle]
Yeah.
Yeah, no, it's nobody.
[chuckles] Hmm... no.
I don't.
[sighs] I don't deserve this, guys.
No, I don't.
[long exhale]
I was probably going to break up with her anyway.
Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here. 
It is.
You want me to be happy?
Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine.
More than a friend, a co-worker.
It's okay.
That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.
Okay.
[sighs] Feels good.
I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
 [in the conference room leading a meeting] Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
 That was a hit job.  If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster.  So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.  
 Who wants to help the world one step at a time?  [Dwight raises his hand] Alright, good.  
 Alright, that's... 
 Alright... 
 Okay, I'm out of here, [pretends to leave] see you later guys... 
 Ok, oh no here's an idea... conservation... 
 Anybody else?  Who else has an idea?  
 [Michael leaves to answer his phone] Can you hold down the fort?   [on phone] Hey boo!
 [on phone] What's it... why are you crying?  
 [on phone] No, no, no, I'll talk to her.  I will... No... nobody talks to my baby that way... uh ah... yeah, I'll let you know how it goes.  Alright, by pickle.  
 [hangs up phone and walks back into conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.  
 For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?  
 Alright, in my defense... 
 Shut up Oscar.  Hey, alright, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please?  What is so wrong about me?  I'm caring, I'm generous, I'm sensual.  Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness.  
 Let's get back to the matter at hand.  
 No, no, no... no, no... 
 I don't like the tone here... this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
 Do not talk to me that way!  I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
 I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am... 
 [walks into Toby's office] Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute?
 Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was... uncalled for, I'm sorry.  
 Can I sit down for a second?
 This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation.
 She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
 Really?  Would you do that?  
 [hugs Toby, who smiles big] You're a good, good guy.
 No... that's... 
 I don't... um... I can't hear your conversation.  
 Yeah, yeah, yeah-okay... you're a jackass.  [to Pam]  Hey, hey, you know what?  You're just as stubborn as your mother, when you don't wanna do something you just don't do it.  
 You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her.  
[Pam storms into break room] Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom?  Is that how we're gonna get past this?  Cause, I will.
 Well, that is not gonna happen!
 Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
 You know what?  I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
 You know what it means.  
 I don't need to be friends with Pam.  I have plenty of female friends.  My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt... although she just blocked me on IM, what's her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.  
 [leaving his office with his rum] Night everyone.  Night Pam, thanks again for the rum.  
 Night Erin.
Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community.
Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha...  [bumps into something] ... ha ha ha.
I am going to scare these kids so bad.
Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright?
Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?
It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Who wants candy?
...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
They have a TCBY booth.
The same stuff you get downtown.
Do you like TCBY?
I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun
You should give them a call. Check that out.
Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?
Wha- what?
Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.
I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright.
Let me get your stroller.
What are you gonna call him?
No. What is his name?
Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal.
Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?
...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.
They are into style.
They are into appearance. We are selling success.
That's sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again]
Alright. Hi. Any messages?
Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning.
It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't.
It rained.
Nothing. Cocoa.
Good. Yep.
Ok. Thank you.
[phone rings] Yeah?
Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?
Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Not yet!
No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. [Stanley laughs]
Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
Oh. He did? What did he say?
Ok.
Thank you, Stanley.
Ok.
Yes.
I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.
I know what a flounder is.
I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good.
The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?
Uh... 
You never said anything.
Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!'
We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Your nose?
Alright.
No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance.
Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? [writes Huge Gut] Meredith?
Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.
Ok.
It's a fish.
It could've died of natural causes. So... 
Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want?
What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm. 
No, no.
No. We are not done here. This- 
No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'. 
Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail.
I want to make fun of you right now.
No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid.
Oh, my God.
Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? [everyone starts laughing] Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.
Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem.
It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. [Michael begins to lose his cool] Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. [realizing he's going downhill] Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'.  Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.
Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.
Is this the tape of me falling?
No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you.
It's alright. I can handle it.
I am a grown-up, Jim.
I don't think you froze.
Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.
Oscar's a douche.
No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. [holds door open as they exit]
You're welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh]
Morning Dwight.
No.  I had a fish stick sandwich.  Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches.  My girlfriend didn't want hers.  Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.   
Well, yeah... 
It worked.
 I don't mind if I do.
I'm taking one for my lady friend.  
Brain food. Thank you very much.  
[comes over to hug them both] My girls.  There they are. [Pam walks away]
 Birthday lunch.  Birthday lunch-- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch.  It'll cure all of your "Gee I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother" and fixes all occurrences of "I don't really see them together".  So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine.  Take with food.  
Yeah-- 
 I think everyone has meet Helene.  Shall we?
No, that wouldn't be-- 
 Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to-- inappropriosity.     
Hey-- 
 Please, Kevin.  You're fired.  [Kevin looks at Jim; Jim shakes his head]  Sorry, sorry.  Work with a bunch of idiots.  Shall we go?
 Just want you to succeed Pammy.  You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today.
 Today is about family.
 Hello.  Scott.  Table for four.
 What table should we take?  So many to choose from.  
What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations.  Oh, wait a second!  You mean this one?  Wow!
 Not about taking credit.  Let's just say we all did it.  
 Well, it was actually me alone, so-- wow look at this place.  Really makes me want to go to Italy some day.  
Oh. Thank you.  Thanks for lending me the books.   
 That's funny.
 You're 54 years old.  
 You're 58 years old?
Congratulations.
 The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle.  If anything I am robbing the grave.
[nods uncomfortably] That-- 
Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think?
Helene?
I am.  I'm definitely going to do it.  I've already got the run and the bike thing down.  Just need to learn how to swim.  Come on, you in?
So it's a matter of interest.  Good, okay.  It's not anything you would have ever done.   
 Well there's no jumping in a triathlon.
 You're thinking of the broad jump.  Would you try-- bungee jumping?
Snowboarding?
I might.
 [sighs] Nothing.  Just life-- and doing things-- before you die. I don't know.
Do I really want to go snowboarding?  No.  But I would like to if I wanted to. 
So we should get the check?
Oh, no, no, no. No.  It's stupid.  You'd hate it.  I hate it.  
 Yes you will.  
 I literally-- I put no thought into the wrapping at all.  Might as well of been toilet paper.  
 That's just an arbitrary title.
 It's not amazing... at all.  It's sort of weird that I went and did that.  And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.  
Oh that I plagiarized I think.
 Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things.  It's a generational-- sort of gap between us.  
 That was a bunt.  
Oh, just went to the bathroom.
I got thirsty. 
 Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly.  And then I met Helene.  And she is great and she already knows and has done everything  that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it.  But, I think I want to do those things myself.  
 Finish your cake, Helene.
 I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible  I need to tell you.  I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.  
 Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I-- God-- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much.  But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.  
 No it's not.  
 Wow.  That just-- you've really grown.  
[covering eyes] Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part.  Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it.  And I want it someday, but just in the future.  You need somebody who-- who understands your references.  Who is Kafkaesque?  I've never-- I don't know him.  There's another woman.  And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping.  
And I want kids.  And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.  
 It's not my decision.  It's mother nature.  And mother has very strict rules about fer--  [waitress comes over to pour water; long pause] -- tility.
 Well, hobbies-- 
 Pamela Beesly Halpert-- 
May I have a word with you in my office please?
Well, this is a work related matter.  
Yes.
Yes.  Join me please, won't you? [Pam gets up and follows Michael into his office]  I am going to give you a raise.  
Because of all the good work you've done.
 That's-- no, no-- it's not about numbers, Pam.  It's about attitude.
 Do you want the raise or what?
Hey, Pam, Pam-- with this raise there are strings attached.  [Pam sighs]  And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.  
No!  No-- no I am not.  Unless you want me to.  DO you want me to? Cause I will.  I will bribe you.  No.  Your face is saying don't-- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing.  What is it?  Talk to me face.  Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking.  Come on!  What do you want? What do you want?  Do you want a million dollars?  Do you want to hit me?  Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or-- 
 What?
[nervous laughter] Oh-- okay , what? I don't-- Are you kidding?
Ye-- No.  Alright.  I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just-- 
 Okay.
Okay.
Okay.  
 See you.
Hey.
Never.  About what?  A little-- what are you talking-- 
What punch?
I'm pretty sure we said slap.  
I-- mmm-- I'm good.
 Hey.
Do you and Pam ever get frisky?
I mean-- do you ever wrestle with each other?
Really?
She strong?
Can you stop this?
Okay.  
I don't either.
Mmm-hmm.  I know.  
You gotta do something-- 
How much time do you think you'll need?
Come on, man!
Am I scared of getting hit in the face?  No.  Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege.  I'm scared I'm gonna love it.  [claps hands] Let's do this.  
It's okay guys... I can handle this.  Everybody can go home.
You're just a bunch of voyeurs.  Are you eating popcorn?
Yes.  
 I know. [sighs] Okay.  Alright.  [Pam goes to punch him again] Oh-- God!
Okay! [braces himself] Pam, Pam-- I'm really sorry.  I'm sorry.  
So many things.  I don't know.  It's hard to choose.  
Maybe that-- 
Yes.
 Okay.  I promise.  [Pam starts to walk away] For the record your mom came on to me. [Pam turns around and slaps him; he gasps]  
No!
 I don't know.
As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes.  And guess what?  I have four kids.  And I have a hover-car and a hover-house.  And my wife is a runner and it shows.  And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together.  And I am happy and I am rich and I never die.  It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.
Ahh... [Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to his face]
Oh thank you.  Thanks.  I owe you one Dwight.    
 No.
What are you talking about-- 
 Forget that.
 No.
[pats face] Oh that feels better.  
 But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.
 You did?
 That sounds like it was hilarious.
 Yes?
 You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day.
 Woo hoo, shout out!
 Erin, do we have the journal?
 Did you?
Oh, the Wall.
 It's $1.99 to finish the article.  I wonder what it was going to say? [no one makes a move to pay for the article]
 No, no, that doesn't make any sense.
 Oh, that sounds awful.
 Oh God.  Well, that's an interesting theory.
 Ah, well maybe you should spy on him.  [in Valley Girl voice] Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! [laughs]
 OK, OK.  Good.  I'll catch you on the flippity flip.  Bye. [hangs up phone]  He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free.
 No, I'm just poopin'.  You know how I be.
 Crazy world.  Lotta smells.
 OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody.  Anything new on YouTube?  Doesn't even need to be good.  Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins. 
Monkey see, monkey do.
 Monkey pee all over you.
 We have a monthly staff meeting
[walks back in, on cell phone] What? Oh my God!  [everyone starts asking questions]  There has been a murder.  There's been a murder in Savannah. [runs back to his office]
 Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations.  Battleship got me through my parents' divorce.  Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation.  I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.
It is so much fun.  Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it... 
 This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.
 Tube City, you owe me one.
There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.
 Sandwich platters.
Baby carrots. [Angela sits back down]
 OK, here are your character cards.  Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props.  Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is.  Everything else is up to your imagination.  So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.
 OK, use your imaginations.
 It's not scary.
 Well how do you think I feel?  I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy.  Every night, a different woman.  Being oogled.  Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful.
 [looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it] Well, well, well.  What is this contraption, I do declare?
 Who's Michael?  I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.
 That is the way Southern people talk.
 Delta Burke, I do declare.  Now, shall we get to the mystery?
 No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
 Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now!
I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.
 [accent] Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.
 Very good, very good.  Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. [Creed gets in his car and drives away]  
 [accent] Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son?  This here's Savannah.
 No no no no no no no. [accent] I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue.  Here we go.
 [accent] Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection.  We still don't know who the murderer is.  [everyone leaves] Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here.  I can't do this myself.  Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?
[accent] I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon.  We need to reopen this case.
 No it ain't.
I already declared you, it was too dark to tell.
 This is not a game, this is my life.  You are out of order, sir.
 You are out of order.
 You are-
 [comes into Jim's office using accent] Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors?
 Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now.  Come on.  Come on.
 To Mama Juju Boo Boo.
 Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.
 No Michael here, my name is-
 No, you shut up.  They need this game, Jim.  Let us have this stupid little game, alright? [Jim nods]
 [accent] Oh, you startled me.  My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest.  What can I do you for?
 Detective Wallace?
 Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here.
 No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.
 A murder, you say?  I do declare.
 Get in there!
 There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue.  My little heart can barely take it no more.  [regular voice] Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.  
 On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.
 We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?
 One, two, three.. [all scream]
[performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing]
I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did.
He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Ah! It's not cappuccino.
It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?
Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great.
And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew. 
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years  a-  14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
Don't bother Luke.
That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?
No, it... Yes, okay, right. [erases don't] All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. [writes "Don't"  in front of symbol]
Come on. Okay, um... [draws a circle around "Don't" with a line through it] That's as clear as I can make it.
Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us. 
Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew.
Luke is my nephew.
Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Thank you.
No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?
Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism.  He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!
Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "Wow, he is so great." And I was gonna say, "Well, it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is. 
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off! 
All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store.
Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project. 
I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway. 
Wait a minute. 
Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony.
No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit. 
Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
You don't have all the facts.
I love him. 
No. No. He's my nephew. 
Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other. 
Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! [Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead] Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!
Give me the pointer.
No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously. 
Okay.
All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup-
Okay, can I have that? 
Ok, I am going to count down from five. 
I'm not kidding. 
Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
[bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
That's what you're going to do, Luke!
I had to do that. 
All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment. 
Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?
Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them. 
That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery.
I can do that.
Okay. Wait, what?
Is there another option?
[examines items on the reception desk] Mmhmm, China. China.
It was great. China.
Everything here was made in China, Pam.
They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir.
Yeah, right here. It is right there. [holds up magazine] Anybody read the news any more?
I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again.
My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight.
What?
So much for keeping our secrets up high.
I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it.
Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes.
Welcome to your future.
How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea?
Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin.
Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes.
I don't know.
Alright.
I don't know what the [expletive] that was.
No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine.
No, no. That is right now. 
In terms of land, not population.
No, no you're wrong about this.
I got it from NewYorkTimes.com
So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? [laughs] I don't care.
Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar? 
Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business.
Very comedically humorous Jim.
Try 'Control P'.
Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar.
Hey.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Sure.
Coffee Jim.
Yes.
Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary.
I'm pretty good on politics. "California is bankrupt, and California, California." [Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office] What?
Pass.
Pass.
Lifeline.
I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.
Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take?
Is it going to be worth it?
I don't need to cheat.
Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast?
Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon.
China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us.
How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?
Don't... I...
Yeah, I figured that.
Wait. You forgetting something?
This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you.
Here we are.
My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA.
I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation.
Raise your cups on high. Case closed. 
People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one.
That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.
Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?
I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
We didn't get it.
Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! [dressed as Santa]
How's everybody doing today?
How's the party coming along?
Are we over budget?
No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?
Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What's the problem?
So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?
Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?
Whatcha got?
Well, that's a relief. Santa's gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good!
My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.
Yeah!
Pam? Pam?
Hi.
Uh, because you've been on the Lam? Because the 'boring police' have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?
Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!
You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?
That was the worst joke ever.
Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.
What? What?
Hold on, Holly's coming back here?
That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?
Holly's coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party.
You know what, we'll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree.
Cancel. We're canceling it. [Michael starts to throw away all of the food]
No, we have to cancel the party.
No, no, no, we're gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.
I know.
It's not. They're not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.
Well then everybody'll chip in, it'll be fine.
You know what, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for the party. It doesn't matter. This is way too important. People, Holly's coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work.
Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away.
We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they've never been cool. [imitating Sean Connery] The name is Bond... Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa... wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can't get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He's not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus... God! Ow! [camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael's pants]
Well, this year's gonna be different. We're gonna have fun. It's not gonna be tacky. It's going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It's not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It's gonna be cool, sleek Santa.
Okay. Sure.
You never know about the press.
Could he help us with some parking tickets?
Well, then he's not a senator.
Okay.
Okay... [sighs] Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!
Pam, no, no. Holly's coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it's a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you.
Yes, that's me. Come on it.
[scats awkwardly] There's nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what's better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?
When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her.
She doesn't need an internet presence, you just know.
What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the courthouse.
And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions.
There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God's sake?
Hello.
[imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I'd see your face around these parts, you old bastard.
[as Curly] Why, you're some sorta wise guy, huh?
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[as Homer] D'oh!
Hi. Hi. Oh... [they hug]
Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! [both sigh] Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly.
That's adorable.
Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party.
Isn't it wonderful? We love it here. Don't you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk.
What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?
This is weird. I can't believe you're here. This feels like you never left. Doesn't it?
Oh...
Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! [the both chuckle] Oh, I love toy... 
Well, that's understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?
You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy's mom.
Because without Andy's mom, there's no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.
You're kidding me. Ahh!
What a douche bag!
Get a... yeah! Good riddance.
Mmhmm.
Good for him.
Really? That's creepy. How did AJ get in your house?
Oh, you do?
[fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman's the best.
Me too.
Hey.
Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I'm Santa Claus. Welcome.
It's a sophisticated take.
Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled.
Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made.
I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. [clip of Michael throwing Holly's Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it]
What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic.
All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxi cab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.
I haven't told you about her.
I'm a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that's pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, "Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab."
I do. She is.
Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain't Tara.
What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby's very jealous of all the attention you've been getting.
Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn't that nice? Thank you very much.
It is Christmas.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed.
Ahhhhhh! [laughs] Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?
[laughs] I don't. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids...
All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings.
Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That's what Jim and Dwight thought.
When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, "Michael, I love you, but I can't do this." But then, with this other guy, you don't have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me.
And we did this whole stupid party for you.
Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?
Hey
Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome.
Good trip down?
Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay.
I am dead inside.
Oh, hey, hey, no, don't run. You're gonna slip.
Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.
[voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married.
No, it's not. It's not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.
Really?
No.
Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don't want you to fall.
I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.
No, that's not... no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.
[hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That...
Well, that... 
Hey.
Oh.
Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.
Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn't he say that?
I think I know where he is.
Mmhmm.
Video games.
A DSi?
A horse.
You, are you sure you don't want a pony? You want a real horse?
All right. You have to pick up after them.
January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let's switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.
Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.
[filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Okay, so killing yourself. [laughs] I was just thinking about snot.
Happy.
Sad. To soak up my tears.
Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.
Sad, something to break.
For you, job well done.
Both sad. 
I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite. I hope she doesn't call us up on stage. That would suck. "Hey, you think you can do my job better?" I don't know. "What's your name?" Michael.
Shaaa-shut up. Hello.
So... high five me. We're back. To a happy... [grabs Holly's hand] look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?
They're so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put 'er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! That's a good firm handshake. You're hired! Yes, let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away.
Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes.
Oh my God! That's it! That's it! 
Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!
Video Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe. 
I'm trying!
Video I said breathe!
I'm trying! 
Video Wait a second, are you listening to music?
What?
Video Shut that off! 
I'm not listening to music!
Video Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!
Go! Oh, that's nice.
Video Go!
Me? Okay.
Video Nice! We're gonna calm down later.
I'm good. 
Oh my God! [sprays champagne on Erin] 
Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone! 
That is neat. 
[imitating E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
[imitating E.T.] Why?
[imitating E.T.] Bummer.
[imitating E.T.] Reese's Pieces.
I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible. [slams phone on desk, phone breaks]
Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?
When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?
But you did still love him.
Do you love him now?
No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Blegh.
You think she'd talk to you?
That's true. She's really nice. She'd talk to anybody. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out?
Or sooner.
That's not a joke.
Is it?
Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere.
What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!
You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone?  Loser.
Just do a cartwheel!
[holding broccoli in front of Kevin] Eat it.
No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go.
Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.
I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it! 
Eat it!
All right, all right, shh!
Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. [reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out] Oh, God! You guys are pathetic. 
No! You can't have any candy!
[imitating E.T.] Holly Flax.
[imitating E.T.] Not Michael, E.T.
Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there. 
Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.
And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax. 
It was insensitive and I am sorry.
I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies... I... care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line. 
You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends. 
Okay, oh! All right.
Okay.
No.
Yup.
You can toss them.
My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully. 
Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
You ready to do this?
You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.
It's about you. It's about you. Go!
You did?
Okay.
Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow. 
[English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate. 
English? 
Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?
I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi...  It's called Reginald Pooftah. 
Michael Scott. 
[laughing] 
I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping! 
No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality. 
That's good. Pleasure to meet you. 
Dunder Mifflin. 
No, not right now. 
All right. See you around. 
Bye-bye. What a nice guy.  
[enters] [in a gruff voice] Hello, I am here for the small business seminar. 
Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos. 
Okay. 
I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies. 
You know what might be kind of fun?  I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and... 
Okay.
Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it. 
[as Mikanos] If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos? 
Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today. 
Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that. 
[as Mikanos] Practice Olympics. 
[as Mikanos] I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, "home". 
[as Mikanos] Hello. 
She will have a greekaccino. 
It... 
[laughs] I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk! 
No more brain damage! 
[as Mikanos] Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. [exits conference room] [normal voice] All, you have to close right now. 
No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it. 
Andy, what's the problem? 
You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. [entering conference room] [as Mikanos] What is taking that guy so long? 
[quietly] No, no, no. 
[as Mikanos] Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on. 
What? Come on. It's time for grapes. [regular voice] Real fun day. 
Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
You broke up with AJ weeks ago. 
I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Sure we do. 
Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody. 
Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree. 
Yes I do. 
Yes I do. 
I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you. 
Let's go. 
Let's go!
Just drive faster. I want to get back. 
Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit. 
No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim? 
I need to pee. 
Yeah, I do. My word against yours. 
What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car. 
Well I hope I make it. 
I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted. 
There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please! 
Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it? 
You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number. 
Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok. 
[at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously. 
Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog. 
Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
With that I can buy... half the menu. 
All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?
Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Okay. You've just lost my business. 
Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?
Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people. 
Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.
Well the number three is not such a giant feast. 
I am not. I just have had a bad day.  And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now. 
Well, I think I can get through the door. 
Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here? 
I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin. 
Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much. 
Really? 
Can I kiss you?
Okay. 
Miss you. Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me. 
Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye... bye. 
Don't go. I don't want you to go. Oh don't go. Don't go. 
Holly and I are dating. It's been a week, and I still can't believe it. [sighs] It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can't work for it. It just comes to you. 
[rubbing hands with Holly] Are these numbers correct? 
Okay. 
Are you... are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? 'Cause you're grossing me out. 
Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. [massaging Holly's back]
Oh, yeah. 
[clears throat]
[sitting in Holly's lap] Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting?
Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on. 
What, are you talking about me and Holly? 
Whispering and tickling have their place in business. 
I... Okay, yeah, that's pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it. 
Thank you. 
All right. 
Okay. Fine. No more PDA. 
You win. But here's what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone. 
Anything goes. 
Okay, then we have two closets. No, no, we're gonna have three closets, one for each base, no homers. Yes?
Pro. 
What? Problem solved. 
No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises. 
Ah, the old "leave behind." Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it's working. 
Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don't... I don't sit on your lap because it's comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt. 
Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we'll stop. 
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart. 
Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine's Day. 
I love you. 
I love you-love you. 
I am really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. [shakes Holly's hand]
Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me. 
Hello, Holly. 
Here, shake. No!
No, we can't. 
No touching. Ah, I'm trying not to touch you. 
Oh. 
Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can't do that. We can't do this. Ohh. 
I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it. 
Grab you here. 
I will grab you here anyway. [laughs]
Never. 
I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can't stop. You don't what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained. 
Yes, it was that. It's that one. 
We're not supposed to PDA. 
I haven't thought about you having to go back to Nashua. 
That's what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How's this gonna be any different? 
I was in love with you. 
[chuckles, sighs]
It's like a time bomb...
...is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging. 
Sexual time bomb. 
[into recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera.
No. [into recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard. 
No, I can't talk to her. I can't even look at her without thinking about it ending. 
Do the monkey face. 
I love that. I love that face. 
No. The monkey! 
Don't do the squirrel. Throw your poop. 
That's good. 
That's good. He's throwing it. 
I know. 
Holly. Hey. 
Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up. 
Actually, it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't be doing this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 
You're gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can't handle it. So let's just...let's...
Who?
Okay. Okay. 
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! [claps] Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend!
Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine's Day present that a person could receive. So I bid you all adieu. 
I do. 
What are our plans for tonight? Umm...
Leave it at reception.
[pulls out two handguns and kills the man with an unnecessarily large amount of bullets] Clean up on aisle five. [Threat Level: Midnight titlescreen appears]
After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.
Erin... what are you doing?
That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth.
Sweet, I will go invite Holly.
Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom.
It's got a lot of me.
Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight. [applause]
Dwight does not play a robot.
[lying on bed with a bottle of alcohol] I'm up.
Tell him I'm retired.
Goldenface, this makes it personal. 
[holding a quarter up] Heads I do it, tails I don't. Best out of seven. [flips the coin] Heads. [flips it again] Tails. [President winces each time he says tails]...Heads...Tails...Heads...Tails. [flips one more time and the quarter spins around on the table. Michael looks at it] Well, it looks like there's going to be a clean-up on aisle five.
I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to play hockey.
What am I supposed to do with this?
[Michael and Goldenface skate around the rink, Goldenface shooting with a solid gold gun, Michael with two pistols. Michael is out of breath at the end of the race] Nice try Goldenface, but you forgot one thing, to kill me.
No!
Yeah?
[begins to cry as Goldenface laughs]
Congratulations.
I am sorry that I have to do this... [starts choking Oscar to death with his towel]
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town. [stands up with his cup of tea and walks by Samuel, pouring his tea all over him]
[walking into the Funky Cat] Bingo.
[pulls out a recording device from his pocket and clicks it on]
Jack Blaise.
By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.
The joke's on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.
He said, where is the bomb?
Why are you telling me this?
Hey Goldenface.
Go puck yourself!
That was not scripted.
More Tylenol.
It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn.
For the insurance money! I knew it all along! [the President, Goldenface, and his minion pull out automatic machine guns] You will never get away with this! [takes a painting of Abraham Lincoln and awkwardly smashes it on the President's head, runs out of the office as Goldenface and his minion shoot at them]
Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.
[in a bar] Beer me Billy.
I got problems Billy. Big problems...
[laughs to himself] Don't ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow.
I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy.
No Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
[A funky beat sounds from the Jukebox and Michael starts dancing poorly] Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. [the bachelorettes and the others in the bar stand up to join him] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! [doing the actions he says to] You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn!
[turns off the movie from the remote, the office complains]
[to Holly] Well that's a... pretty good reaction. [Holly nods] Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that?
Okay. [Stands up and leaves the conference room to the dismay of the office] No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough...
Hey.
Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!
Did you? What did you love about it?
No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly.
Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded.
[angrily] It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream.
I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus.
Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing.
I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you.
I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films.  Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.
Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? [applause from the office] Okay then who wants to watch the rest?! [everyone yells approval]
I know, it's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on!
[crying] This one's for you Cherokee Jack. [Michael skates into the rink of an already in-play match]
We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.
No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they [chuckles], they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there. [Michael stands up, clearly realizing that his movie is not as great as he thought]
Hey...
No it's not. [kisses Holly while smiling] It's not. But, they really seem to be enjoying it.
[ees Cherokee Jack from a confusion of heavenly light and smoke] Cherokee Jack.
[laughs at the stupidity]
[skates forward, hits the puck, and stares in wonder as it flies by]
[in Scarn manor] Some breakfast for me [shows a plate of bacon and eggs] and some breakfast for you. [pulls out an oil can and oils Samuel's circuit board on his back]
Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.
[phone rings] I'll get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here!
Hello sir.
Ugh... [after a little thought] I'm in.
Oh yeah! [laughs] Yes he is!      
No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid. [the office laughs]
Still not seeing the problem here.
It was the best of times, it was the awesomest of times. And now Packer wants to come home. And ohh, look who's here to sign off on it! My boo, Holly.
Hi. [Holly and Michael kiss]
Oh, Michael! This'll be just us.
Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots. 
And it also helps if you've had five shots.
Whoa!
Is Packer here?
[peering into conference room] Don't know, don't care.
[sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room] Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms.
You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.
Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die.
So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. [Jim looks appalled]
[Grunting as he crawls under Dwight's desk. Dwight follows] Let's look at this.
Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! [Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.
No!
Best day ever. Best day ever!
Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?
Please.
Yeah, You love him right? [Holly seems unsure] You love him. I can tell.
No. Not me, him.
Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey...
He's funnier than me.
So I'm less funny than not funny at all?
[seems taken aback] Uhm...
That's insane!
And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. [Hank looks irritated again]
I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin.
Yeah.
I guess you said something weird about your daughter?
You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.
No it isn't.
Yeah, a little bit.
I won't.
[Michael and Todd are walking into the office] Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here.
Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed.
Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines.
Kevin, do you accept the apology?
Okay, go back to the annex.
That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. [Andy looks confused and shrugs] Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-
I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us!
What are you doing?
I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?
Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?
You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him.
Yes, about that.
Well... I don't know if that's a good idea.
No, nothing like that at all. 
Sorry?
[thinks a moment] Sounds great.
That is. [Jim sees them and looks happy] It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there.
Nah, he's an ass.
[imitating] You ahh.
No you ahh.
[kisses her and speaks normally again] You ahh.
I uh... I actually don't know why I brought that because It's kind of priceless.
Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that.
500.
Get lost.
That is how you do it.
You know it's really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.
In case... in case of what?
I don't have an in case. Do you have an in case?
Get lost.
[on phone] Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.
Hi.
Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Well, I'm writing a message.
I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Maybe.
Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam.
I am not in the mood for riddles pam.
No, this is romantic.
Why?
I did?
Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling.
Yes.
I could not have agreed with you more.
Yes. Thank you.
No, no, no, no. My minds made up I am not going to change my mind you can't talk me out of it.
I had a great idea until you ruined it.
How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof, it hits the ground, the head pops off, this leads me to the line ' I lost my head when I fell in love with you.'
It's easy enough to get a corpse, you just go to a med school. I already have the ring.
Heres the ring.
Yeah. I saved 3 years salary.
Is she not going to like that?
At a gas station? 
That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed.
Oh yea you didn't say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.
I just... it's terrifying.
I know but I'm still scared I don't know why.
Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him 'Dude this was a prop in my movie.'
Ok it's because we haven't sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day, people get desperate, and they're gonna pay anything.
Oh ok. For how long?
Is he alright?
You ok?
Yeah, yeah well you definitely need to do that.
Ok.
No, no, shhhhut it. Mhmm. Oh God. Nope, nope, nope.
No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
Hey, how'd we do?
That's great and we still have most of our stuff. Good.
No, no, no, no, lets not talk about that.
Shhhh. Let's go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff.
So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let's go in here. 
This is where we first kissed.
And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?
Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn't love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes. 
In-grown hair. 
Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness?
We saved a lot of lives that day. That's where you first met Michael Klump.
And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it, you thought it was so wrong.
And over here..
 Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I'd do. [runs water through hand]
Let's go in here.
This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, its just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.
That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
That marriage would be a sham.
Easy no.
That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Only one that I was kind of worried about.
[the area where Holly's desk is is filled with lit candles] This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with.. [fire sprinklers go on] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
Thank you. So guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado.
Yep.
Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.
Kahlua Sombrero, please.
Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years.
Oh, really?
And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday. 
I'm moving out to the burbs... actually, I'm moving further than the burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Yep. Don't mess with Colorado. 
No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
You know, I would like to try the luge, through.
That's what I've heard.
Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?
Deangelo/[in unison] Summer!
Really? What happened?
Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are.
Man, he is late. I'm gonna call him. Do you mind? I'm sorry. [calls Deangelo, Deangelo's phone vibrates]
No, I'm here. I'm right... I'm at the bar. 
You are? What bar?
I... do not see you.
I'm been here about... gosh, over half an hour.
Deangelo/[looking up from phones in unison] Sorry...
What're you wearing?
Are we both at the right place?
I hear your voice.
I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott.
Wow... that is insane! [laughter] 
[entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready?
Alright! Here we go! 
This is it. What do you think?
[pops up from below camera, and runs out of room]
Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it's own sake. So, without further ado, let's start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers! 
Come on out! 
I am well, sir, how are you?
And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it's Deangelo the whole time!
I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!
Oh yeah... I know... that's what I was just saying... that's what...
This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.
Yes it was.
Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle? Where'd you find him.
You know me very well, Dwight.
Now I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I'll be off all day.
So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!
I sorta like the old way.
I know, I know, I'm sorry, but if it's not a big deal we should just-
Is that good?
Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work.
You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings]
[to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with Deangelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!
And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael's face, none on the neck] 
It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice.
Well, we don't really do rap sessions. We kinda do... [Erin shaves Michael] god... we sorta do more of like powwows or-
That's-
You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can't say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something.
Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don't even really have to worry about.
Don't shave my lips.
You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so... you know, let's not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I'm still here-
I still have to look at this stuff, guys.
Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a great fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.
[interrupting Deangelo] Snack time! It's the witching hour! It's the sandwitching hour!
PB and J, my mom's recipe! [throws sandwitch at Phyllis]
I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! [throws sandwitch into Kevin's open mouth]
What?
Oscar, here you go. [throws sandwitch]
No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.
No, that's good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. [disgusted comments by co-workers] No body go in there. Stay where you are.
No, it's not insane, Oscar. I'm been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you're gonna throw it all away? No. 
Well, who needs him. Guess it's just you and me, Dwight.
I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you'll be fine.
Ok. [hugs Deangelo from behind] Why did you have to be so damn good?
No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it.
You'll figure it out.
 This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it! 
 Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell. 
 I know what you want to ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?" 
 So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.
 One hour.
 One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today. 
 No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time. 
 You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?
 Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby. 
 Toby, can I really tell you anything?
 Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half. 
 And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? [howls and growls like a werewolf]
 Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? [pause] Three hours. We're half way done. 
 This is plenty complicated. 
 I've played it once or twice with Jeff.
 Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.
 Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though. 
 Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager. 
 I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.
 I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
 Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly. 
 When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...
 Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.
 You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
 You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
 Ok.
 You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [giving Toby two middle fingers] and call me in the morning. 
 You forged them! You forged the forms!
 Yes.
 Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake. 
 You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [mimicking Gabe] "I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!" [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!
It is six a.m. [DeAngelo yawns] and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!
Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. [DeAngelo laughs]
Why do you always say that? You're gonna love it.
[arriving at the first house] Alright let's go! [DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction] This way, this way! [Michael knocks on the door]
Surprise!
You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!
[holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows] Here we go! Have Pam come down.
[next house] Congratulations!
We got it.
Yeah that's fine.
[next house] Hey Toby! You suck! [throwing eggs at his house]
[giggles] Go go go go go go!
[arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house] I've never seen this place in the daylight. 
Here we go, alright got it? Set? [the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly] Hello? [turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house]
Yes you did. That's right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out.
[quietly shuts the door] Go.
[walking into the office] Good morning Erin.
You have big plans for tonight?
You are getting so funny! [Erin giggles] Very good.
The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on.
Anything can happen at the Dundies! [DeAngelo laughs] They're like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!
Black tie optional.
A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody's right. They're like breadsticks on steroids. Right?
So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I'm going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. [Dwight looks suspecting] And that person is [he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll] DeAngelo! [all applaud]
Think of it as part of your training.
[smiling] Okay, well we'll work on it.
You are doing it.
[all in conference room] Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
[cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys...
Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. [Ryan stands next to Michael up front] Ryan how are you today?
[very excited] There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration.  Just be funny.
No! God! [Jim looks at him oddly]
No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim, please no loopholes.
This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?
Good. Good. Good!
Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood.
[getting off his stomach] Too personal. I don't wanna hear about it. [picking up a portable tape player] Let's try this. Put these on. [DeAngelo puts the headphones in] I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can't- [DeAngelo winces] That's right, you're not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, [gives him a card] and make it sound perfect.
Say it with an accent!
[also in a poor Australian accent] The Dundies!
I'm here. [DeAngelo gasps and turns around] In a good way! I've been here the whole time.
[in the bathroom] DeAngelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there!
No, Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It's sort of our perk!
Listen to me, you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for you, you're not even doing this for them!
[slaps him] You're doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid's menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It's showtime. Get out there.  
Say it.
You can do it, just say it.
Now hit me. [DeAngelo slaps him] One, two, three.
Alright, here we go.
Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. [everyone laughs]
There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! [Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard]
Well done.
Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. [Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her] I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer!
Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, [Ryan stands up] Danny Cordray! [Ryan quickly sits] Danny couldn't be here tonight...
Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. [Stanley looks angry] But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! [Stanley slowly walks over, angry] Come on up here you sick bastard.
You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? [manager looks up, angrily at Michael] Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! [Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage]
[escorts Erin off stage] There you go.
It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat]
[stopping Manager] DeAngelo is expressing himself. [manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo.
Okay, we're done! That's it.
We're done. We're done!
[Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad] So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well...
What?
No, no. You're being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time.
So what you're saying is you kinda like it? [Phyllis impression] I've fallen and I can't get up! [normal again] That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good.
That got a big laugh.
[to Stanley, who is cracking up again] You were laughing right?
We're really close.
That's true, we wouldn't get seats together.
[in the car] You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well.  
Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award.
What is your problem?!
Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful.
He is in an all-out sprint.
[in conference room] Here... [Andy walks in] Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! [Andy walks up]
Oh, okay. [nods to him]
Oh my God, something's happening.
[choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep].
No it's not.
Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! [Toby comes up and take the mic]
[sitting on the roof of the office building] Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude.
Yes?
Ahh, thank you. Like a butler.
[Michael takes one and bites] Oh, these do not taste like oysters.
Sick freak! What is wrong with you?
I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? [Dwight scoffs] The job was not mine to give. [sighs] Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies.
Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket...
...in order to feed the bears.
How do you mean?
Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?
Okay.
Hm?
Well I have interviews.
Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure.
Oh you don't, that's-
That sounds good. Thank you.
Sad? No, no, no. I don't leave 'til tomorrow, so... Tomorrow I will be a wreck.
[walking in] There they are! Party Planning Committee together again!
Mmm!
You know what, I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody'll like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla.
 Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright?
What do you like Pam?
What kind of toppings would you like?
Sounds good. Fudge it up! [all seem surprised at Michael's behavior]
[holding up his "World's Best Boss Mug"] I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [holds up a Dundie that reads, 'World's Best Boss 2011, Michael G. Scott', throws his mug into the garbage can and places his Dundie at the front of his desk] I still need something to drink out of though.
[pulls out a list of everyone in the office, then puts it back in his jacket] Attention everyone, before I leave tomorrow I would like to reveal a secret I have kept for over twenty years. A secret about Phyllis.
When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. [Phyllis looks relieved] And she still is.
Ahh.
[hesitantly] Sounds great, I just think it's great. Oh, I have gifts as well! [goes into his office and comes out with a bag] And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind. [presents to her a mouth wind-up chattering toy]
Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. [gives Stanley a small felt table] May you never lose the fun loving quality in life.
Well, okay... And Andy, Andy who needs confidence  that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts. [other salesmen look outraged]
But you're the best salesman, on the inside.
You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted.
You're not gonna lose them.
Just do your best! I have faith in you.
Kevin, I have something for you.
You know who that is?
[rips the poster in half] Don't be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up?
Good, stand up. [Kevin does so] You will be thin. You Won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore.
You will find love.
Don't be. You should never settle for who you are. [moving on] Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are-
[quietly groans] Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And, I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this. [takes a sack tied in the upper middle making a crude head, with a face drawn on, obviously the product of poor craftsmanship, Oscar pretends to like it]
[laughing] It looks like a [more laughing] It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! [laughs more] He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody!
Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point?
How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator.
Mmhmm, bravo!
Sure!
Who's that? Who's that guy? [points to second guy in the pictures]
I guess this could be the one, huh?
My last pay check?
No.
I'm not sure, um, Mountainton?
Nah, I'm almost done.
Yeah.
[crying] I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one, and I don't think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. [picks World's Best Boss mug out of the trashcan and puts it back on his desk] I gotta call her, and I'm going to tell her, that I cannot come. [dials on his phone]
Hi. What is the name of our town?
No, no. I just needed to hear your voice.
[laughing] Yes. [Olive Oyl impression] Yes my hero!
[laughing] Ohh, I miss you.
Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you.
[hangs up and composes himself] Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm, I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. [looks at the list of members of the office, with some names crossed out] And I have said goodbye to half of them.
[grimaces and nods, Toby nods back at him] Okay.
[walks over to Kelly] Kelly! Kelly? Kelly.
If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you?
[in Ryan's office, which is illuminated blue] She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.
Yeah.
You're not prone to seizures?
[sees Pam walking towards the door of the office] Um, Pam.
[disappointed] Okay... [Jim is confused]
[walking into Darryl's office] Darryl!
I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. [hands him a thin black folder] Unfinished. If there's anyone here who can finish it, it's you.
Mmmhmmm. It's true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer.
No problem. Worth a try.
[in warehouse] Darryl said I could use the bailer because I'm leaving.
[picks up a basketball and dribbles it away from the basket] Alright guys, well... see ya later warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip. [throws the ball behind him and misses the basket, tries and misses several more times]
[still trying the backwards basket] Catch you guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the filippity flip. [misses and picks it up again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really? [composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure]
Kevin?
Ahhhh...
Maybe neither.
Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this. At all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful. And you are fun. And you are smart. [Erin is smiling] And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. [kisses her head] And you know what? You don't need a mom. Because you have my number, and you can call me anytime.
N-
Okay. [both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin, looking thoughtful]
Phyllis. Phyllis, are my mittens done?
Listen to me. It's two p.m. From now until four, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind.
Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow. [pulls out an envelope from his jacket]
So I wanted to give you that. [hands him the envelope] It's a letter of recommendation. [Dwight looks eager. Michael nods to him and walks away]
[in the office, crosses Dwight off his list. He has paint in his messed up hair, and is containing his laughter]
You should see the other guy.
[looks at the clock to see it is three o'clock] Jim where is Pam?
But it is already three o'clock! [Michael leaves, Jim gives a knowing look to the camera]
[in his office talking to Creed, Gabe, and Meredith in that order] Whether you're scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don't be. It's going to be okay.
Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.
[Gabe is still standing in front of Michael's desk] And you, why are you still here.
 No, you are not going to quit today. For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day in the office. Everybody gets dumped Gabe. Can I give you a piece of advice? [Gabe nods] A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, and make you look less like a transvestite. [Gabe looks awkward and Michael winks]
[standing in front of his office, sees that it is three forty five] Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let's go! Hurry up, let's do this! [Dwight runs into the conference room. All others follow]
What is this meeting about?
Okay, here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here, together, because I have something important. Well there's two things actually. Okay first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam. [Jim looks regretful] And secondly, Phyllis how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them. I'm leaving for the day at four.
[cutting her off] Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!
Umm, hmm?
[the office looks up expectantly] Ummm... Hm... No. [changing his mind] No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes, he's coming right in. [walks out and then back in, now using a Vietnamese accent] Oh hi everybody, it's Ping! [the office groans] And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people! Thank you everybody! You've been so wonderful! [only Kevin is laughing. Stanley tries to leave. Michael hugs him] I ruv you all! I ruv you very much!  
Sure. [Ping accent] Be right out!
[sad] Ohh...
[holding back tears] Okay...
Maybe.
Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
[pulls out a recorder and speaks softly into it] T-Shirt idea, goodbyes stink. Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company, as a fine young man...
Oh, okay.
[hears a taxi honking] Oh shoot! That's my cab.
Alright.
I know, it's okay. Just, give her a hug. Alright?
I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.
Okay... [crosses Jim off his list] Phyllis.
No no no, let me see. [picks up the mostly knitted mittens] Oh Phyllis, nice try. I love 'em. [waves goodbye to her with the mittens] [Michael begins walking out the office, he takes one last look at all his friends to see them working, and Jim looking back, teary eyed]
Later guys. [leaves the office]
Got almost everybody. So... Holly's my family now. [you see video of Michael getting into the cab, and driving off. As the cab leaves, Pam drives in] She's my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just... when you get down to it... your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. [You see Michael getting out and entering the airport, and going through security] I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?
[putting his shoes back on, talking to the camera crew] Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright... Oh! [pulls out his mic from his shirt] This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. [he hands them the body mic, when he speaks it is inaudible now] That's what she said! [waves goodbye and walks off to his gate, halfway there Pam comes running up to him and they hug for a while. They say their goodbyes to each other, and Michael walks off for good]
[cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?
Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?
Andy, what time's the show?
How long is it?
Nope, can't make it. 
They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.
I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?
Wow.
I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play. 
And scene.
Oh, hey guys.
 I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers. 
Yes. 
Nope.
[trying to stuff balloons below the seats] This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber. 
Are you kidding me?
All right, I'm sorry. God. 
Hello.
Okay.
Okay.
Yes.
Good.
You enjoy the second act.
Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar]
How is that funny?
[during curtain call for Sweeney Todd] Boo! Boo!
Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots. 
Yeah, good job. Well done. 
Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.
Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.
Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling. 
That would never happen. 
Okay. I appreciate the feedback. 
 I don't like that at all.
Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues? 
Yeah, I get those every day after work.
 Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome. 
I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.
I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.
Come on, Andy, seriously.
In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about.
No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act. 
There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.
[shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
You mean cancer?
It is?
Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
How?
What?
Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.
No! It was like four years ago!
Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. [later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore]
How did this happen, how did I get this?
You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port.
Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.
Oh my God! What if I did?
Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.
There's no way I'm gonna do that.
[makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up]
Hi Donna. It's Michael.
I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.
I can't even say it. H-I...
...R-P-E-E-S
No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?
Does your stupid husband have it?
Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!
No this is Holly.
No this is Holly.
Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.
Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Any nuns?
[Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs]
[still on phone with Holly] Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred?
We would have twins. [Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's "herpes"]
Mmhmm!
Mhhmm! We would be married.
Do what?
I don't romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do'] No...
He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation.
We were more than we were.
Ok, alright I gotta go.
It didn't come up organically.
It's nice to see you doing so well.
Bringing home the bacon.
[after long wait, to Dwight] Would you excuse us...
He hasn't changed.
Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?
What?
Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!
Because we work together.
Am I the princess?
[sighs] Ok, so I'm the guy at the station.
I have herpes.
I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...
You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She...
No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there.
Yes, I don't...
I know, I know.
Got it.
I'M TRYING! GOD!
[walks into park with Dwight] Hi stranger! Long time!
I'm Michael. We dated for a while.
Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene?
Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...
Jerk. [walks off]
Real entertainers, like Billy Joel.
Carroll, how are you?
I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.
No.
Weird...
He sounds like a nice guy.
Oh wow another living room!
You put the TV here, you put the family over here.
Someone told me that I romanticize relationships
I have herpes.
I just found out today. It's, uh, right there.
Mmhmm, I'm sorry.
I'm between specialists right now.
Well I believe in love at first sight.
I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous.
Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know?  It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok.  Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.
Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall?
You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
Herpes duplex.
I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
Flower shops, fireworks celebrations...
Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park...
An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving]
Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams] 
Look at that.
Nice!
She is a beaut!
Oh, look at that. [pushing bike]  Smooth roll.
Oh, god!
Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike.
I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. [Pam and Jim begin wheeling him] Mi-chael! Mi-chael!
[crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car] Oh, my god!
Ow! [grunts, stumbles to his feet] You never forget. Whoo!
Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?
Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up?
It's Jim, Okay? Yes.
You need the big guns, yes?
I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. [hangs up] Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in.
[laughing] No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me?
No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right.
Oh, no, that's a male model.
That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy?
All right.
Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model.
Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two--
Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then.
It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go.
When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we-
You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends.
And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now.
Shake it, shake it!
Okay. Thank you.
Thanks, Steve.
Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done, we just got bested. [pounds the elevator button] Why is there a door close button if it doesn't even close the door?
How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned.
You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him?
Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave?
Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?
I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis?
Oh, my god!
You know what this is? This is a stinger.
Like the movie.
Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers.
Shhh! Hey! That's my mug.
Yes.
Oh, no, no. No. Don't-
Testify.
Yeah, he is that good-looking.
Okay.
Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him.
Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him.
Stay-
Oh!
Don't let us down.
No, no, no....
I'm goin 'in!
Stop, stop! Oh, my god! [enters office] Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop.
I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer-
Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever.
I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you.
A surveillance room next to this one.
Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery.
Well-
Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well.
No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks.
You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me.
So, you will?
Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same?
Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?
I know, I know.
Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?
I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?
Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny!
O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is?
No. No. No. Somebody in this office.
No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me.
Yes.
No, you may not.
I said no.
We're not-
Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. [pointing to Danny] Don't leave. Don't let him.
Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same?
Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better.
No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us.
He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave.
Good-bye!
This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer.
[standing outside the conference room, wearing fake teeth, watching Stanley walk in] All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in sales! 
A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! [puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard, high pitched voice] Six seconds, MacGruber! [lifts head] Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned! [puts head down, high pitched voice] Uh, two seconds MacGruber! [lifts head] Including a... costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board... OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! [throws fake bomb, takes off sunglasses, points to camera] MACGRUBERRRR!
MACGRUBER!
Oh, here we go!
[laughs] OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?
So, wait, drivers are going to be able to sell paper on the road?
Blackula!
Oh, so... I almost forgot. You'll find this hilarious. Apparently corporate is going to have drivers sell paper on their routes now. That's like, exactly sort of the idea that you had.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man.
Really? We're good?
Okay. [reaches out and shakes Darryl's hand] Okay.
Oh. It's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.
Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing. 
Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?
Hi, Darryl, come out here, please.
You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!
Yeah, I bet it is! If you're gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed.
This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbin's. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.
I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea, but you know what? They need to know that it was yours. And I don't care if I take a bullet. We're gonna call them, we're gonna put them on speakerphone right now...
And we are going to straighten this out.
Mmhm!
I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now.
No, he didn't go behind my back. He went over my head.
What is taking someone from behind?
It was a good idea, though.
[staring at Gabe and Kevin] What the hell are they talking about?
Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don't-[sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump] Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand?
Oh, you're sorry? 
What did you just thought? 
All right.
Okay.
Well, don't let it happen again.
I-
Okay, this whole going over my head-gate? Is making people act weird. The chain of command is crumbling. Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry. And Gabe looks like Lady Gaga. That's not Halloween. Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other.
You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating.
Okay, that might help. If you said "I'm sorry" in front of everybody.
In front of me.
So that's it.
Is it? 
Yeah, I gotta get in on this. [mocking Darryl] Hey, it's cool, man, I work in the warehouse! I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive! And I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk!
Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint. I go over other people's heads.
What's a bad idea?
NEVER! [tosses wig] Okay, you know what? Fine.  I'm not Darryl. And thank God I'm not Darryl.
Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back?
Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it.
Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right?
If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be?
Thank you.
If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no!
That was-okay, you make one mistake in fifteen years and you drag me over the coals, after everything I did for you?
Oh...
Well...
Stop it! Stop, stop. We're thinking. We're thinking about it.
You don't have to point to the fact that we're thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay, next time you have a really great idea, we will put it in a hat, and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide.
I am not budging on the hat issue.
Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.
Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we'll give her a call.
Sorry I was a jerk.
Friends fight. Friends fight.
That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-
[under his breath] Um... kay. Uh, alright.
Top of the Sunday morning to you.
Oh, yes. [mimicking smoking] Doobie-doobie doo.
I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our, all of ours joys.
[in an old man mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
But I'm the Godfather.
Are you talking to me?
Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Yeah.
[normal voice] I'm not the godfather.
[clears his throat] So who is the godfather?
Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten?
No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show.
I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.
Good morning.
Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever.
Good morning.
Good morning.
[walking around and greeting people] How are you? Good morning. Good morning. 
I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.
Oh, after you.
No, I insist. After me.
Thank you. You too.
You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch.
Shh.
No.
[overhearing Dwight's conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey.
Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Shh.
[pointing to group of young adults laughing] Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals.
Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together.
Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.
Well, it's, it's-
No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.
[standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico] Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We're proud of you. [starts to walk down through the line and into the bus] Bye. Okay.
[on the bus] Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?
[in reference to the team shirts] I'll take a shirt.
If you'll have me, yes.
Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right.
No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going.
It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life.
You know what, my job will be here when I get back.
Hey, right?
Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.
Tell them that I'm in a meeting.
No, you may not.
Thank you.
[waving goodbye as the bus drives away] See you in a few months.
Mm. That's not gonna happen.
Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So... 
How long till we get to Mexico?
Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?
Why aren't they building it themselves?
Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how?
Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing?
What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?
Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday.
And Cinco de Mayo.
No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus.
Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?
Do that. Do it.
[having walked up to the front] Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. [pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound]
Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please.
Stop the bus, okay?
I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take.
Blah-di-blah!
We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything.
Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?
[bus stopping] Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you.
Why quick?
Is anyone still at the church?
What? Shut up.
It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.
[whispering to Pam] They have him surrounded. It's the SWAT. The SWAT's arriving.
Ok, that's our street! That's our street! He's going down our street! [runs out of conference room.] Come on everybody! [all quickly follow]
[on sidewalk] There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it! [all groan]
[collecting pebbles off the street into a jar] Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? [old man voice] Well kiddo, I was there. I was there... And I'll tell you what. [shakes jar of pebbles] You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.
Walk with me.
[obviously faking being serious the whole time] Glee? What is Glee, some television program? Jim I need that thing stat!
Dwight! Sign please. I don't have time for parties I don't have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do?
Cancel it! Are you still here? [to Erin] 
MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? I'm a very busy man. I don't have time for your TV show.
I'm joking.
I'm joking. I'm kidding around! I'm not actually angry. [Erin laughs] I'm not busy at all, I'm not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I'm a total Gleek.
You know who my favorite character is? The invalid. [Jim makes a face] I am coming to your party.
Kevin!
Yes, I am. Are you?
What? No Gabe is... Gabe is not the boss.
Why did you just say he was the boss?
Yeeee... Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?
Uh huh...
Big...
All right!
[interrupting] Okay okay okay.
Gabe likes to entertain a lot, ad he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different life style. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So I'll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I'm ready for bed!
[tossing pizza dough in the air]
Try and destroy the old ways, Gabe, well I will not let you. [throws pizza dough, hits the ceiling]
Where's Michael? Where's Michael? We can't start without Michael! Oh here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy, and let the show begin! [turning up volume]
Actually I think it's not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah! [takes remote, raises volume] There we go. Glee right? Rock and roll! Turn it up to elevaan! Spinal Cord!
Well some of us are trying to have a...
[grabs different remote from the table] Well I will turn up the volume.
Okay...  Heeeere's what we're gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom, follow me! Where we can crank it!
Pam I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe I want you to take that gun, and I want you to shoot me like a hundred times in the groin until I'm dead. Okay?
[Pam in the background struggling with Cece] Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck, who I liked, got decapitated.
Yeah, well I wasn't very hard to find.
Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?
So these are pizza dogs, they aren't pigs in a blanket per se.
Well...
He's the longest baby in this room.
You know what Erin you do have to.
[grimacing] That's what she said. [leaves]
[outside opening Gabe's cable hookup box] Okay... Alright.
I just went out for a walk.
What? Really? That stinks!
What does that mean? Party's over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure?
Are you kidding me?
Now that's going on?
Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I don't know if it's gonna work, but let me give it this. Okay, I'm gonna give it shot. [hurries out]
No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did, yeah yeah.
What is there to like? He's just, he's a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not?
Why? I'm not your father. [Erin looks sad] All right.
Go to your room.
Go to your room young lady!
You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not, to see that boy, anymore.
As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.
Oh do not raise your voice to me!
Gahh, I will pull this car over!
[enters, looks to Gabe] If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart I will literally kill you and your entire family.  
Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl's gonna turn my hair gray.
[as the power and lights come back on] My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet.
Uh... try "password".
Uh... it was like eight years ago?
Okay, moving backwards, our I.T. Guys have been...  Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended.
The important thing is... this kept us secure people.
Morning.
[wearing Ryan's glasses] I'm Facebook.
I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back. 
A what? 
Ryan and WUPHF! 
Dot com!
I think an investor's ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience. 
I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing. And then work our way up to death drop. 
Your kidding?! 
You and me.
Don't you work here full-time?
Mm-Hmm.
That does sound fun to me. 
Excuse me, everyone... SEX! Now that I have your attention... 
MONEY! 
Pervert.
That's good to know. [screams]
Wuphf! All right, I've warmed them up for you. You have the floor, Ryan.
Whoo!
We already have a buyer. 
At least. 
That's right!
Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?
No, not this weekend; next weekend. We were gonna go on the investors ski trip. I bought poles.
Look at that. Triple your investment by January. 
There you go.
Do not talk like that, Stanley.
Here we go. 
"It's Ryan the WUPHF guy!"
"He's up there."
Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!
No, it's not weird, Andy, and you know what else? We have an offer from Washington University. So monetize that. 
I won't sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isn't that right?
I--yes. We're not selling. I will not sell. 
Can't talk, saving the planet.
We Don't? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?
[throws the sack of garbage onto the floor] Eight Years.
No, I won't even consider it.
Right, Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor.
I think you are wrong.
You may be right. I may be crazy.
I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point.
I thought it might make me feel better. 
[singing] But it just may be a lunatic... [stops singing] No.
Good, good, bro.
Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?
Nine days, though. That's, like... 
Yes, you have tapped this. Hard.
Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.
So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?
Mm-Hmm. 
Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so... 
Tonight?
Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check.
Hello. 
I. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay.
I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. [all seem to be in agreenment] And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground. 
Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
You can't have it.
The world sends people your way... Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. [camera pans to different people in the office] Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That's easy. Gimme a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam's a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the joker. So... [phone rings, computer chimes, etc.] That's Uh... 
Thank God.