cv007_4992.txt

that's exactly how long the movie felt to me . 
there weren't even nine laughs in nine months . 
it's a terrible mess of a movie starring a terrible mess of a man , mr . hugh grant , a huge dork . 
it's not the whole oral-sex/prostitution thing ( referring to grant , not me ) that bugs me , it's the fact that grant is annoying . 
not just adam sandler-annoying , we're talking jim carrey-annoying . 
since when do eye flutters and nervous smiles pass for acting ? 
but , on the other hand , since when do really bad slapstick ( a fistfight in the delivery room culminating in grant's head in joan cusack's lap--a scene he paid $60 to have included in the movie ) and obscene double entendres ( robin williams , the obstetrician , tells grant's pregnant girlfriend she has " a big pussy , " referring of course to the size of the cat hairs on her coat , but nonetheless , grant paid $60 to have the exchange included in the movie ) pass for comedy ? 
nine months is a predictable cookie-cutter movie with no originality in humor or plot . 
hugh grant plays a successful child psychiatrist . 
why a child psychologist ? 
so the scriptwriters could inject the following unfunny exchange : 
kid : my dad's an asshole . 
grant ( flutters eyelashes , offers a nervous smile , then responds in his annoying english accent and i-think-i-actually-have- talent attitude ) : could you possibly elaborate on that ? 
kid : my dad's a _huge_ asshole . 
more like a hugh asshole , but that's beside the point , which is : nine months includes too many needlessly stupid jokes that get laughs from the ten year olds in the audience while everyone else shakes his or her head in disbelief . 
so , anyway , grant finds out his girlfriend is pregnant and does his usual reaction ( fluttered eyelashes , nervous smiles ) . 
this paves the way for every possible pregnancy/child birth gag in the book , especially since grant's equally annoying friend's wife is also pregnant . 
the annoying friend is played by tom arnold , who provides most of the cacophonous slapstick , none of which is funny , such as a scene where arnold beats up a costumed " arnie the dinosaur " ( you draw your own parallels on that one ) in a toy store . 
the only interesting character in the movie is played by jeff goldblum , who should have hid himself away somewhere after the dreadful hideaway , as an artist with a fear of ( and simultaneous longing for ) commitment . 
not even robin williams , who plays a russian doctor who has recently decided to switch from veterinary medicine to obstetrics , has much humor . 
his is a one-joke character-- the old foreign-guy-who-mispronounces-english stereotype ( did someone say yakov smirnov ? 
that's my favorite vodka , by the way ) , hence the line " now it's time to take a look at your volvo , " another nasty but unamusing joke , except this one goes right over the ten year olds' heads , while the adults simultaneously groan . 
nine months is a complete failure , low on laughs and intelligence and high on loud , unfunny slapstick , failed jokes and other uninspired lunacy . 
hugh grant's sunset boulevard arrest ( please , no caught-with-his-pants-down jokes ) may bring more people into the theaters , but they certainly won't leave with a smile on their faces , not after 90 minutes of grant's nervous smiles . 
everything in the movie is so forced , so unauthentic that anyone with an i . q . 
over 80 ( sorry , hugh ) will know they wasted their money on an unfulfilled desire . 
but at least they didn't spend 60 bucks for it .