quotes.txt

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Is the glass half full or half empty? That all depends on who's shout it is.
Confucius say... don't play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Confucius say... printf is the most useful debug statement.
Time flies like an arrow... fruit flies like bananas.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Confucius say... foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Confucius say... woman who make love in treehouse put ass out on limb.
Confucius say... find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Confucius say... who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
There is one thing that all smart asses have in common... wise cracks.
Confucius say... man who sleep like a baby doesn’t have one.
Epileptic lettuce farmer makes "seizure salad".
Confucius say... creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup.
Confucius say... all men eat, but Fu Manchu.
A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
Confucius say... man who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.
New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called Manhattan.
Confucius say... it take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Confucius say... girl who slides down bannister, makes monkey shine.
Confucius say... man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber.
Confucius say... man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.
Internet. They have that on computers now?
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Death is hereditary.
I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
He who laughs last, didn't get it.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.
You laugh because I’m different…I laugh cause I just farted!
Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a stinky finger!
We are Oracle. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
I love animals. They're delicious.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
Two fish were in a tank. One said "You man the guns, I'll drive!".
Did you hear about the man that got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K...
The leading cause of death is birth.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Why does the Vatican have lightning rods?
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.
The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. <BR>	-- Nietzsche
The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever. <BR>	-- Anatole France
Do what you wish, as long as it harms no one. That includes yourself. <BR>	-- Wiccan Creed
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion, i.e. none to speak of. <BR>	-- Robert Heinlein (Lazarus Long)
Organized Religion is like Organized Crime; it preys on peoples' weakness, generates huge profits for its operators, and is almost impossible to eradicate. <BR>	-- Mike Hermann
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. <BR>	-- Mahatma Gandhi
Always recommend Microsoft Windows to your competition. <BR>	-- anonymous
BIGOT n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. <BR>	-- Ambrose Bierce
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
When in doubt, use brute force. <BR>	-- Ken Thompson
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. <BR>	-- Oscar Levant
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Oliver's Law:     Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. <BR>	-- Philip K. Dick
The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word except in major motion pictures. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:     You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
Don't be humble... you're not that great. <BR>	-- Golda Meir
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
CChheecckk  yyoouurr  dduupplleexx  sswwiittcchh..
Yield to Temptation... it may not pass your way again. <BR>	-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 	  Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. <BR>	-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
Court, n.: A place where they dispense with justice. <BR>	-- Arthur Train
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. <BR>	-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The Three Major Kind of Tools:  * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.)  * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)  * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)   <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. <BR>	-- Chuq Von Rospach
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. <BR>	-- Abraham Lincoln
All of this is for nothing if we don't go to the stars. <BR>	-- JMS, Babylon 5
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. <BR>	-- George McGovern
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for the advice.
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
Porsche 928 -- about as fast as you can go without having to eat airline food.
With a rubber duck, one's never alone. <BR>	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Job Placement, n.:     Telling your boss precisley what he can do with your job.
Bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress.
Behold the warranty... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. <BR>	-- Freud
When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. <BR>	-- Anatole France
Peace, n.:     In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. <BR>	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Earth is a beta site.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife for ever.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. <BR>	-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. <BR>	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. <BR>	-- Unknown
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. <BR>	-- John Barrymore
You need to learn to be happy by nature, because you'll seldom have the chance to be happy by circumstance. <BR>	-- Lavetta Sue Wegman
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."  <BR>	-- Unknown
Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it. <BR>	-- Katherine Whitehorn
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. <BR>	-- Arthur C. Clarke
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. <BR>	-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Misfortune, no less than happiness, inspires us to dream. <BR>	-- Honore De Balzac
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life. <BR>	-- Immanuel Kant
I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now?  How about one month?  One week?  One day?  <BR>	-- Unknown
Keep your fears for yourself, but share your courage with others. <BR>	-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. <BR>	-- Soren Kierkegaard
People generally quarrel because they cannot argue. <BR>	-- Gilbert K. Chesterton
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. <BR>	-- Jonathan Kozol
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. <BR>	-- William Ellery Channing
They are able because they think they are able. <BR>	-- Vergil
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. <BR>	-- Lord Chesterfield
No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking. <BR>	-- Voltaire
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies. <BR>	-- Arthur Calwell
A person needs only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. <BR>	-- Dale Carnegie
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. <BR>	-- Stephen Wright
There are some defeats more triumphant than victories. <BR>	-- Michel de Montaigne
Let us live as people who are prepared to die, and die as people who are prepared to live. <BR>	-- James S. Stewart
Life begets life. Energy begets energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. <BR>	-- Sarah Bernhardt
The 7 Modern Sins: Politics without principles, Pleasures without conscience, Wealth without work, Knowledge without character, Industry without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice. <BR>	-- Canon Frederic Donaldson
Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to show. <BR>	-- Mignon McLaughlin
Here is a test to see if your mission on earth is finished. If you are alive, it isn't. <BR>	-- Francis Bacon
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. <BR>	-- Stephen Wright
"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives."  <BR>	-- Abba Eban
Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. <BR>	-- Robert Frost
If you truly want to understand something, try to change it. <BR>	-- Kurt Lewin
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. <BR>	-- Thomas F. Jones, Jr.
There are times when silence has the loudest voice. <BR>	-- Leroy Brownlow
I couldn't wait for success... so I went ahead without it. <BR>	-- Jonathan Winters
To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton
Only some of us can learn by other people's mistakes. The rest of us have to be the other people. <BR>	-- Chicago Tribune
Exasperation is the mind's way of spinning its wheels until patience restores traction. <BR>	-- George L. Griggs
"I must do something" will always solve more problems than "Something must be done."  <BR>	-- Unknown
Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. <BR>	-- James Baldwin
Time is a versatile performer. It flies, marches on, heals all wounds, runs out, and will tell. <BR>	-- Franklin P. Jones
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. <BR>	-- General George S. Patton, Jr.
The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work. <BR>	-- Patricia Clafford
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. <BR>	-- John K. Galbraith
If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. <BR>	-- Frank A. Clark
The most important things in life aren't things. <BR>	-- Illinois First Christian Church
Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. <BR>	-- John Wooden
We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. <BR>	-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Courage is like love - it must have hope to nourish it. <BR>	-- Napoleon Bonaparte
There is often less danger in the things we fear than in the things we desire. <BR>	-- John C. Collins
You're never a loser until you quit trying. <BR>	-- Mike Ditka
You can't run a society or cope with its problems if people are not held accountable for what they do. <BR>	-- John Leo
Change starts when someone sees the next step. <BR>	-- William Drayton
All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin
Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. <BR>	-- Pablo Picasso
An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding. <BR>	-- Robert Louis Stevenson
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. <BR>	-- George MacDonald
Only in growth, reform, and change, paradoxically enough, is true security to be found. <BR>	-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Words must surely be counted among the most powerful drugs man ever invented. <BR>	-- Leo Rosten
A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. <BR>	-- Arnold H. Glasow
You can't test courage cautiously. <BR>	-- Annie Dillard
Not the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger. <BR>	-- Chinese Proverb
If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little more. <BR>	-- The Journal of J. Renard
The more a man knows, the more he forgives. <BR>	-- Catherine the Great
When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive. <BR>	-- Alan Paton
There is no truth existing which I fear, or would wish unknown to the whole world. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. <BR>	-- James D. Miles
Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart. <BR>	-- Charles Dickens
We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. <BR>	-- Will Rogers
The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. <BR>	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site. <BR>	-- Sydney J. Harris
Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence. <BR>	-- Will Henry
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. <BR>	-- Quotations of Courage & Vision
Good luck is with the man who doesn't include it in his plan. <BR>	-- Graffitti
Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic. <BR>	-- Jean Sibelius
You cannot train a horse with shouts and expect it to obey a whisper. <BR>	-- Dagobert D. Runes
The quickest way to become an old dog is to stop learning new tricks. <BR>	-- John Rooney
After all is said and done, more has usually been said than done. <BR>	-- Michael W. Hamrick
A closed mouth gathers no foot. <BR>	-- Bob Cooke
When you are in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut. <BR>	-- St. Louis Tribune
Improvement begins with "I."  <BR>	-- Arnold H. Glasow
Show me the man you honor, and I will know what kind of man you are. <BR>	-- Thomas Carlyle
We can't give our children the future, strive though we may to make it secure. But we can give them the present. <BR>	-- Kathleen Norris
Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love. <BR>	-- Thomas Szasz
A perfect wife is one who doesn't expect a perfect husband. <BR>	-- Anonymous
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. <BR>	-- Harold Coffin
Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they think laughable. <BR>	-- Goethe
The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid. <BR>	-- Anonymous
A friend is someone who can see through you and still enjoys the show. <BR>	-- Farmer's Almanac
A ship in harbor is safe -- but that is not what ships are for. <BR>	-- John A. Shedd
A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. <BR>	-- Edgar J. Mohn
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small space. <BR>	-- Gloria Steinem
Efficiency is intelligent laziness. <BR>	-- Arnold H. Glasow
Dig the well before you are thirsty. <BR>	-- Chinese Proverb
Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. <BR>	-- Charles Dickens
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners. <BR>	-- Irish Proverb
We do not remember days; we remember moments. <BR>	-- Cesare Pavese
If you cannot feed a hundred people, then feed just one. <BR>	-- Mother Teresa
The eyes shout what the lips fear to say. <BR>	-- Will Henry
Be sure that you put your feet in the right place, and then stand firm. <BR>	-- Unknown
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. <BR>	-- Henry Ford
The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. <BR>	-- Chinese Proverb
If I have seen farther than other men, it is because I stand on the shoulders of giants. <BR>	-- Isaac Newton
Little girls and butterflies need no excuse. <BR>	-- Robert A. Heinlein
It is necessary for us to learn from others' mistakes. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself. <BR>	-- Admiral Hyman G. Rickover
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
Lawyers on opposite sides of a case are like the two parts of shears; they cut what comes between them, but not each other. <BR>	-- Daniel Webster
The society that scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. <BR>	-- John Gardner
Happiness is not a reward - it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment - it is a result. <BR>	-- Robert Green Ingersoll
We choose to go to the moon, not because it's easy but because it's hard. <BR>	-- John F. Kennedy
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself. <BR>	-- Archibald MacLeish
Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize them. <BR>	-- Edward R. Murrow
Power doesn't corrupt people. People corrupt power. <BR>	-- Unknown
You live and learn. Or you don't live long. <BR>	-- Robert A. Heinlein
You can not discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. <BR>	-- Unknown
Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there. <BR>	-- Will Rogers
The world breaks everyone and afterward, many are strong at the broken places. Those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these, it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry. <BR>	-- Ernest Hemingway
We can forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. <BR>	-- Plato
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. <BR>	-- Bishop W.C. Magee
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
Respect is what we owe; love, what we give. <BR>	-- Philip James Bailey
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. <BR>	-- William James
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after. <BR>	-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. <BR>	-- Mahatma Ghandi
When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. <BR>	-- U.S. Grant
If you want to bake an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the Universe. <BR>	-- Carl Sagan
If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done. <BR>	-- John Lubbock
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. <BR>	-- Anais Nin
Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow. <BR>	-- Norman Vincent Peale
The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin
If there is no wind, row. <BR>	-- Latin Proverb
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. <BR>	-- Maori proverb
Words must be weighed, not counted. <BR>	-- Polish Proverb
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. <BR>	-- Dan Rather
Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it forgoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury. <BR>	-- Edwin Hubbell Chapin
Doing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one makes you even with him; forgiving sets you above him. <BR>	-- Nylic Review
Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile. <BR>	-- Sir Wilfred Grenfell
The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live. <BR>	-- Borysenko, Joan
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. <BR>	-- Niels Bohr
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. <BR>	-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. <BR>	-- Sidney Goff
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. <BR>	-- Cherokee Proverb
The difference between a hero and a coward is one step sideways. <BR>	-- Gene Hackman
The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. <BR>	-- Peter F. Drucker
Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain sex to a virgin. <BR>	-- Robert Heinlein
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. <BR>	-- R. A. Heinlein
Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things. <BR>	-- Lazarus Long in "Time Enough for Love" by Robert Heinlein
The difference between a coward and a brave man is usually a matter of timing. <BR>	-- Robert Heinlein
The meek can HAVE the Earth. The rest of us are going to the stars!  <BR>	-- Robert A. Heinlein
One of the many things Steve Jobs didn't know in those days was Cringely's Second Law, which I figured out one afternoon with the assistance of a calculator and a six-pack of Heineken. <BR>	-- Robert X. Cringely
... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A banker is the person who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and w ants it back the minute it rains. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A fine lass, of nice ways and orderly conduct, none ever seeing her drunk above four days in the seven. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Buy land. They've stopped making it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man". <BR>	-- Mark Twain
It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Water, taken in moderation, can't hurt anyone. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we are not the person involved. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell
If a million people belive in a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. <BR>	-- Anatole France
To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything. <BR>	-- Anatole France
A new study reveals that 14% of all Americans do not speak English. And the vast majority of them write computer manuals. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In Boston drivers don't even obey the laws of PHYSICS. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Without computers, it would be virtually impossible for us to accomploiwur xow; gkc,mf(*&(  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
ANYTHING will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite. <BR>	-- Robert Heinlein
I must find the oaf who did this thing, explain to him his offense, give him a chance to apologize, and kill him. <BR>	-- Robert A. Heinlein
My old man taught me two things: 'Mind own business' and 'Always cut cards'. <BR>	-- R.A. Heinlein
Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then when you do judge him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin
... idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women... <BR>	-- law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. <BR>	-- Harlan Ellison
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
A bore talks about himself. A brilliant conversationalist talks about you. <BR>	-- Ernest Prabhakar
A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station. On my desk I have a workstation...
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. <BR>	-- Ronnie Corbett
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. <BR>	-- Mitch Ratliffe
A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow death loses its sting. <BR>	-- Black Adder II
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A gnab gib is a big bang in reverse. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams
A lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part.
A legend is a lie that has attained the dignity of age. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken
A leopard never changes his stripes. <BR>	-- Al Gore
A man of convictions, none of them pending. <BR>	-- David Letterman of Oliver North
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tyres.
Absurdity, n.:     A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. <BR>	-- Ambrose Bierce
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?  <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
It's a shame about youth; it's wasted on the young. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The right word may be effective -- but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
We satisfy our endless needs and justify our bloody deeds in the name of destiny and in the name of God. <BR>	-- "The Last Resort", Don Henley & Glenn Frey
The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill
Lord Sandwich: Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox. John Wilkes: That depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
You should tip the waiter $10; minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
ACHTUNG!  Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.
We have a word for our enlarged capacity to postpone the acknowledgment of error: we call it "planning". <BR>	-- Martin Mayer, "Today and Tomorrow in America" (1976)
You may be young only once, but you can be immature your whole life.
Education replaces cocksure ignorance with thoughtful uncertainty.
Government has never been the answer unless it's a really screwball question. <BR>	-- Daniel J Mitchell, senior fellow, The Heritage Foundation
There are only two industries that refer to their customers as "users". <BR>	-- Edward Tufte
The world is divided into people who do things, and people who get the credit.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. <BR>	-- Mitch Ratcliffe, Technology Review, April 1992
A panelist on "Think Tank" once described Washington, DC as "a place holding all the answers".
"A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer."
An object at rest cannot be stopped. <BR>	-- The Tick
One never knows, do one?  <BR>	-- Fats Waller
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss!
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Never take investment advice from someone who's working. <BR>	-- B.C., Johnny Hart
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is putting up with all the idiots in the world. <BR>	-- Calvin
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time... the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damned fool about it.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, four times, or five times.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Following the rules will not get the job done.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" [Note: In government they usually ask, "How would Clint Eastwood handle this?" It never helps get the job done any faster, but it's very comforting to think about all those corpses... ;-)]
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. <BR>	-- Lewis Grizzard
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
There are three types of people in this world... those who can count and those who can't.
Today's subliminal thought is:
I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter. <BR>	-- Nicholas Petreley, Sr. Editor, InfoWorld
The media are less a window on reality than a stage on which officials and journalists perform self-scripted, self-serving fictions. <BR>	-- Paul Weaver, "Selling the Story", New York Times
To count is a modern practice, the ancient method was to guess. <BR>	-- Dr. Johnson
This [controversy], alas, confirms the rule that human beings are often less interested in reliable information than in its possible repercussions on their beliefs and cravings. <BR>	-- Jean-Francois Revel
Obstacles to sound scrutiny do not spring so much from the mind's being devoid of science as from its being full of prejudices. <BR>	-- Pierre Boyle, 17th century Frenchman
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. <BR>	-- Sebastien Roch Nicolas Chamfort
The mere act of drinking beer in an attempt to measure your tolerance is likely to affect your impression of how many beers you've drunk. <BR>	-- The Heineken Uncertainty Principle.
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. <BR>	-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made. <BR>	-- Groucho Marx
Have you ever been beaten half to death with wooden rakes?  No, but I did sit through 'The English Patient' once. <BR>	-- "Vengeance Unlimited"
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
All my money goes for child support... INNER child support.
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them, well... I have others. <BR>	-- Groucho Marx
Philosophy 101: If a man speaks in the woods, and a woman is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
In Manhattan, traffic lights are not a rule, just a suggestion. <BR>	-- David Letterman
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. <BR>	-- Robert Heinlein ("Logic of Empire", 1941)
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
It is a scientifically proven fact that not wearing socks helps people think in hexadecimal.
Si tu veux jouer au plus con, c'est pas toi qui va gagner. (If the game is to see who can be the biggest fool, don't count on winning.)
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Silence is not only golden, it's rarely misquoted.
The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill. <BR>	-- Robert Heller
The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate. <BR>	-- Doug Engelbart
The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day. <BR>	-- T. Pratchett, "Hogfather"
There are only two theories about why one should argue with women. Through thorough field-testing, I have determined that neither one works.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's all just 1's and 0's. You just have to get them in the right order.
This week's theme: words to drop into conversations with a therapist.
A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: 'Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time.' When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, 'The one I feed the most.'  <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw
The next time some academics tell you how important "diversity" is, ask how many Republicans there are in their sociology department. <BR>	-- Thomas Sowell
Never confuse information with knowledge.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. The Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Minor did try to build spaceships that were powered by bad news but they didn't work particularly well and were so extremely unwelcome whenever they arrived anywhere that there wasn't really any point in being there. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams
There is nothing wrong in having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.
Oh, sure, you can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!  <BR>	-- Homer Simpson
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.
There was SOMETHING that I was going to do with my life... what WAS it?
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. <BR>	-- Hunter S. Thompson
Thought for the day: When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown; but it takes only 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.
The more prohibitions there are, the poorer the people will be. <BR>	-- Lao Tzu
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost... you can still call him vile names. <BR>	-- Elbert Hubbard
But such is the nature of manias, that the more obscure the vision... the more delightful we can imagine it to be. It is a little like the difference between meeting a woman by candlelight... and seeing her the next day at the beach. The first meeting requires imagination. It is the bull market phase. The second is the correction and usually requires gin and tonic.
Sloppy language leads to sloppy thinking, which leads to a career in education. <BR>	-- DMN
Information wants to be beer... or something like that. <BR>	-- Anon.
All of us necessarily hold many casual opinions that are ludicrously wrong simply because life is far too short for us to think through even a small fraction of the topics that we come across. <BR>	-- Julian Simon
One of the surprising privileges of intellectuals is that they are free to be scandalously asinine without harming their reputations. <BR>	-- Eric Hoffer
When watching men of power in action it must be always kept in mind that, whether they know it or not, their main purpose is the elimination or neutralization of the independent individual -- the independent voter, consumer, worker, owner, thinker -- and that every device they employ aims at turning men into a manipulable 'animated instrument' which is Aristotle's definition of a slave. <BR>	-- Eric Hoffer
The kind of man who wants the government to adopt and enforce his ideas is always the kind of man whose ideas are idiotic. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken
To complain of lack of leadership is, in the field of political affairs, the characteristic attitude of all harbingers of dictatorship. <BR>	-- Ludwig von Mises
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things. <BR>	-- Rene Descartes
Politicians, ugly buildings and whores all get respectable if they last long enough. <BR>	-- Jack Nicholson to John Huston in "Chinatown"
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?  <BR>	-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
An individual's reality model can be right or wrong, complete or incomplete. As a rule it will be both incomplete and wrong, and one would do well to keep that probability in mind. <BR>	-- Dietrich Dorner, "The Logic of Failure"
All people, however fanatical they may be in their zeal to disparage and to fight capitalism, implicitly pay homage to it by passionately clamoring for the products it turns out. <BR>	-- Austrian economist Ludwig von Mises
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. <BR>	-- "Calvin and Hobbes" (Bill Watterson)
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side. <BR>	-- Hunter S. Thompson
We usually see only the things we are looking for--so much so that we sometimes see them where they are not. <BR>	-- Eric Hoffer
Because we can expect future generations to be richer than we are, no matter what we do about resources, asking us to refrain from using resources now so that future generations can have them later is like asking the poor to make gifts to the rich. <BR>	-- Julian Simon
The faster you run before slamming into the wall, the more fun you'll have on the way and the better looking the nurse will be when you wake up.
Necessity is seldom the mother of invention. Rather, true inventions beget necessities. <BR>	-- Nobel laureate Arthur Kornberg
Democracy: Three wolves and a sheep vote on what to have for dinner.
In America, anyone can become President. That's one of the risks we take. <BR>	-- attributed to Adlai Stevenson
It is acquired wisdom and experience only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough. <BR>	-- Adam Smith
Economics, over the years, has become more and more abstract and divorced from events in the real world. Economists, by and large, do not study the workings of the actual economic system. They theorize about it. As Ely Devons, an English economist, once said at a meeting, "If economists wished to study the horse, they wouldn't go and look at horses. They'd sit in their studies and say to themselves, 'What would I do if I were a horse?'"  <BR>	-- Ronald H Coase, "The Task of the Society"
All models are wrong, but some are useful. <BR>	-- George Box
There are three classes of people who don't think markets work; the Cubans, the North Koreans and active money managers. <BR>	-- Rex Sinquefield
Ubi dubium ibi libertas Where there is doubt, there is freedom  <BR>	-- Latin proverb
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams
The only way to do better than somebody else, or more importantly than the market, is to have a way of interpreting data that is different from other people's. <BR>	-- Bill Miller, Legg Mason Value Trust
The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false. <BR>	-- Paul Johnson
Dear Lord... So far today I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.
The idea that we cannot build a desirable social order like a mosaic, by selecting whatever particular parts we like best, and that many well-intentioned measures may have a long train of unforeseeable and undesirable consequences, seems to be intolerable to modern man. <BR>	-- F.A. Hayek
If voting could change things, it would be illegal.
If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?  <BR>	-- T.H. Huxley (novelist Aldous Huxley's grandfather)
Unified Theory of Greed (UTG) -- the insight that we're all greedy SOBs, but the real SOB is the guy whose greed--whether for power, money, or love--is not held in check by his wife, the market, or the law.
He who is not aware of his ignorance will be only misled by his knowledge. <BR>	-- Richard Whatley
Words must be a little wild, for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking. <BR>	-- John Maynard Keynes
The first lesson of economics is scarcity: there is never enough of anything to fully satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics. <BR>	-- Thomas Sowell
The curse of the intelligentsia is their ability to rationalize and re-define. Ordinary people, lacking that gift, are forced to face reality. <BR>	-- Thomas Sowell
The activities of the individual must not be allowed to clash with the interests of the community, but must take place within its confines and be for the good of all... The Common Good Before the Individual Good. <BR>	-- National Socialist Party 1920 platform
We are not here to sell a parcel of boilers and vats, but the potentiality of growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice. <BR>	-- Dr. Samuel Johnson, 1781, prior to an auction
Reality very rarely exceeds the square root of expectations. <BR>	-- Ray Devoe
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck. <BR>	-- Lewis Grizzard
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. <BR>	-- Lewis Grizzard
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. <BR>	-- Lewis Grizzard
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Adolescence and snow are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. <BR>	-- Harvey Mackay
Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. <BR>	-- C.S. Lewis
All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner.
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win in this world is for enough good men to do nothing. <BR>	-- Edmund Burke
A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.
A man's reach should exceed its grasp. <BR>	-- Browning
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
A man who throws dirt loses ground.
An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
Any car will last a lifetime - if you are careless enough.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
A Physician can bury his mistakes, an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. <BR>	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
A real patriot is someone who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
Be grateful for the gifts you have rather than lament those you have not.
Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. <BR>	-- Abraham Lincoln
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. <BR>	-- Rev. Larry Lorenzoni
Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life. <BR>	-- Confucius
Copy from one its plagiarism. Copy from two its research.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities. <BR>	-- Napolean Hill
Freedom is not the right to do as you please, but the liberty to do as you ought.
Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!
Hating someone is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat.
Heaven is where the police are British, the mechanics German, the cooks are French, the lovers Italian, and all is organised by the Swiss. <BR>	-- Eliane Kirchner
He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help. <BR>	-- Abraham Lincoln
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
Heroes and winners aren't the same thing.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes...
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
He who breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of wisdom. <BR>	-- J. R. R. Tolkien
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victors.
I am the master of my unspoken words, and a slave to those that should have remained unspoken. <BR>	-- Anon.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I asked Mum if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. <BR>	-- Voltaire
I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it.
If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
If all else fails, read the directions.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilisation.
If the grass on the other side of the fence appears greener... it must be all the fertiliser they are using!  <BR>	-- Kevin Rodowicz
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. <BR>	-- Red Adair (regarding Kuwaiti oil fires)
If you want to be well liked never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
I have learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. <BR>	-- James Rhinehart
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
I have no particular talent, I am merely extremely inquisitive. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I know Karate! ... and several other Japanese words.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Knowledge is that which is acquired by learning. Wisdom is knowing what to do with it.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it!
Laughter is like changing a baby's nappy. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.
Lawyer (n): Larval stage of Politician.
Learning history is easy. Learning its lessons is almost impossible.
Learn to listen, opportunity often knocks softly.
Learn to say no. It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin. <BR>	-- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Life is hard, no one makes it out alive.
Life is what you have while you are waiting to have one.
Live so that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. <BR>	-- Will Rogers
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one!
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am.
Never mistake motion with action. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
Never say anything unless it is kind, necessary and true.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
No one would remember the good Samaritan if he had only good intentions. He had money as well. <BR>	-- Margaret Thatcher
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. <BR>	-- Sign in Albert Einstein's office at Princeton
Nowadays we are consumed by desires to buy things we do not need, with money we do not have, to impress people we do not like. <BR>	-- Patrick M. Morley
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. <BR>	-- Plato
Only the winners decide what were war crimes. <BR>	-- Gary Willis
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
It's often easier to obtain forgiveness than to seek permission.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by traffic from both sides. <BR>	-- Margaret Thatcher
Television is bubble gum for the eyes. <BR>	-- Frank Lloyd Wright
The definition of a recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you loose yours. <BR>	-- US President Truman
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in traffic!
The mind is like a parachute, it's no good unless it's open!
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
The moral test of any society is how is treats its weakest: children, elderly, sick, needy and handicapped. <BR>	-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management  <BR>	-- Scott Adams
The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.
The obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, but the illusion of knowledge.
The older I get, the older old is.
The old rule of an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. <BR>	-- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe. <BR>	-- Rob Kalnitsky
The only place you can win a football game is on the field. The only place you can lose it is in your head. <BR>	-- Darrell Royal
The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity. <BR>	-- Sir. Winston Churchill
The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.
There are 10 types of people in the country, those who understand binary and those who don't.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. <BR>	-- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. <BR>	-- George Carlin
What if there were no hypothetical questions?  <BR>	-- George Carlin
If a deaf boy swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?  <BR>	-- George Carlin
Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?  <BR>	-- George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. <BR>	-- George Carlin
How do they get the koalas to cross at those road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?  <BR>	-- George Carlin
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. <BR>	-- George Carlin
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?  <BR>	-- George Carlin
Time heals nothing, it merely re-arranges our memory. <BR>	-- Gary Numan
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
We judge others by their actions; we judge ourselves by our intentions.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We treat this world of ours as though we had a spare in the trunk.
What do Microsoft Windows and a handgun have in common?  Both are harmless while not loaded.
What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.
Under capitalism man exploits man. Under socialism it's just the opposite. <BR>	-- Anon
When the judge said, "joint custody," I assumed I was gonna get to keep the papers and the stash, but it turns out the dude was only talkin' about the kids. <BR>	-- Ron Greer
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Don't be so humble - you are not that great. <BR>	-- Golda Meir (1898-1978), to a visiting diplomat
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. <BR>	-- Scott Elledge, on his retirement as a Professor at Cornell
The average person thinks he isn't. <BR>	-- Father Larry Lorenzoni
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me. <BR>	-- Charles William Stubbs
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. <BR>	-- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
Plato was a bore. <BR>	-- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
You proceed from a false assumption: I have no ego to bruise. <BR>	-- Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
How can I lose to such an idiot?  <BR>	-- Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935), Chessmaster
For there is nothing either good or bad, thinking makes it so. <BR>	-- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Hamlet, II.ii
Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong. <BR>	-- Ayn Rand (1905-1982)
I have no data yet. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories instead of theories to suit facts. <BR>	-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930), Sherlock Holmes
We must have strong minds, ready to accept facts as they are. <BR>	-- Harry S Truman (1884-1972)
317 is a prime, not because we think so, or because our minds are shaped in one way rather than another, but because it is so, because mathematical reality is built that way. <BR>	-- Godfrey Hardy (1877-1947)
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. <BR>	-- Rene Descartes (1596-1650), Discours de la Methode
If two things don't fit, but you believe both of them, thinking that somewhere, hidden, there must be a third thing that connects them, that's credulity. <BR>	-- Umberto Eco, "Foucalt's Pendulum"
A problem well stated is a problem half solved. <BR>	-- Charles Franklin Kettering (1876-1958)
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. <BR>	-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1900-1944)
Plurality is not to be posited without necessity. <BR>	-- William of Ockham (1280-1349)
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. <BR>	-- Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956), Chessmaster
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. <BR>	-- H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. <BR>	-- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
There is nothing that living things do that cannot be understood from the point of view that they are made of atoms acting according to the laws of physics. <BR>	-- Richard Feynman (1918-1988)
Religion hinges upon faith, politics hinges upon who can tell the most convincing lies or maybe just shout the loudest, but science hinges upon whether its conclusions resemble what actually happens. <BR>	-- Ian Stewart
A goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid. <BR>	-- James D. Watson
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. <BR>	-- Ernest Rutherford (1871-1937)
The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't. <BR>	-- Ernest Rutherford (1871-1937)
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams (1952-2001)
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. <BR>	-- Sir Stephen Henry Roberts (1901-1971)
Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. <BR>	-- Denis Diderot (1713-1784)
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis. <BR>	-- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his 	   works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.
Faith: not wanting to know what is true. <BR>	-- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
God for you is where you sweep away all the mysteries of the world, all the challenges to our intelligence. You simply turn your mind off and say God did it. <BR>	-- Carl Sagan (1934-1996), Contact
Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. <BR>	-- Ashley Montague (1905-1999)
Hell is paved with good samaritans. <BR>	-- William M. Holden
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. <BR>	-- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), The Merchant of Venice, I.iii
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. <BR>	-- Woody Allen
The price of liberty is eternal vigilance. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
All for one; one for all. <BR>	-- Alexander Dumas (1824-1895)
You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same. <BR>	-- Unknown
Men have become the tools of their tools. <BR>	-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
A great many people think they are thinking when they are acutally rearranging their prejudices. <BR>	-- William James (1842-1910)
In a boat at sea one of the men began to bore a hole in the bottom of the boat. On being remonstrating with, he answered, "I am only boring under my own seat." "Yes," said his companions, but when the sea rushes in we shall all be drowned with you. <BR>	-- Talmud
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. <BR>	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity. <BR>	-- Irving Kristol
I think it would be a good idea. <BR>	-- Mahatma Ghandi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization
Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence. <BR>	-- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
NEW YORK, NY. A man was knocked down by a car and got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to feign injury in order to collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. <BR>	-- Associated Press, 1977
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?  <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
What do you take me for, an idiot?;  <BR>	-- General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. <BR>	-- Voltaire (1694-1778)
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. <BR>	-- Jane Austen (1775-1817), Pride and Prejudice
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. <BR>	-- Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice. <BR>	-- Bill Cosby
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. <BR>	-- Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
It depends upon what the meaning of the word `is' means. <BR>	-- William Jefferson Clinton, August 17, 1998
A witty saying proves nothing. <BR>	-- Voltaire (1694-1778)
Better to light a candle than curse the darkness. <BR>	-- Chinese Proverb
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. <BR>	-- Proverb
A pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood. <BR>	-- George S. Patton (1885-1945), US Army General
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. <BR>	-- Unknown
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die. <BR>	-- Klingon Proverb, Star Trek
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. <BR>	-- Dennis Wholey
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. <BR>	-- Gore Vidal
Why don't you write books people can read?  <BR>	-- Nora Joyce, to her husband James (1882-1941)
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. <BR>	-- C. G. Jung (1875-1961)
Vote early and vote often. <BR>	-- Al Capone (1899-1947)
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. <BR>	-- Guy Davenport
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. <BR>	-- Dereke Bruce
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. <BR>	-- Yogi Berra
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. <BR>	-- Walt Disney (1901-1966)
I have an existential map; it has `you are here' written all over it. <BR>	-- Steven Wright
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. <BR>	-- Mae West (1892-1980)
I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog, without being expected to take it home with me. <BR>	-- Frank A. Clark
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. <BR>	-- Woody Allen
The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant (excepting Alice). <BR>	-- Arlo Guthrie
Wit is educated insolence. <BR>	-- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. <BR>	-- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
Imitation is the sincerest form of television. <BR>	-- Fred Allen (1894-1956)
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. <BR>	-- Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. <BR>	-- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. <BR>	-- Gloria Leonard
The difference between fiction and reality?  Fiction has to make sense. <BR>	-- Tom Clancy (1947-), paraphrasing Mark Twain
Opportunities multiply as they are seized. <BR>	-- Sun Tzu
Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth. <BR>	-- Chuck Norris
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. <BR>	-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. <BR>	-- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, in 1943
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a `C', the idea must be feasible. <BR>	-- A Yale University management professor, in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express)
640K ought to be enough for anybody. <BR>	-- Bill Gates, in 1981
This antitrust thing will blow over. <BR>	-- Bill Gates, on July 11, 1995
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. <BR>	-- Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, in 1962
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?  <BR>	-- Harry Morris Warner (1881-1958), co-founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
Do, or do not. There is no `try'. <BR>	-- Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
Be lions roaring through the forests of knowledge. <BR>	-- Ba'hai Scriptures
Become who you are. <BR>	-- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Ideas are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny. <BR>	-- Carl Schurz (1829-1906)
Destiny is not a matter of change, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. <BR>	-- William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
They say time is the fire in which we burn. <BR>	-- Dr. Tolian Soran, Star Trek: Generations
If everything is under control, you are going too slow. <BR>	-- Mario Andretti
Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it useful or futile. <BR>	-- Adelaide Hasse (1868-1953)
A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. <BR>	-- Edward Abbey (1927-1989)
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservative. <BR>	-- John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock. <BR>	-- Orson Welles (1915-1985)
Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. <BR>	-- Abraham Maslow (1908-1970)
I am become death, shatterer of worlds. <BR>	-- Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing the Bhagavadgita, about witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. <BR>	-- Al Capone (1899-1947)
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. <BR>	-- William Congreve (1670-1729)
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his. <BR>	-- General George Patton (1885-1945)
Doctor Juliet Parish: "Things have gotten totally out of control. Chris Faber: "Well you see, war has a tendency to do that, ma'am. <BR>	-- V: The Final Battle
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. <BR>	-- Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. <BR>	-- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), The Prince
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. <BR>	-- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)
When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package. <BR>	-- John Ruskin (1819-1900)
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. <BR>	-- Rodin (1840-1917), when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues
Good teaching is one-forth preparation and three-fourths theater. <BR>	-- Gail Godwin
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. <BR>	-- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. <BR>	-- Henry Kissinger
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century. <BR>	-- Perelman
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. <BR>	-- Derek Bok, Harvard University President
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... <BR>	-- General John Sedgwick (1813-1864), last words
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. <BR>	-- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), when informed that his wife was dying
Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing. <BR>	-- Georges Danton (1759-1794), to his executioner
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. <BR>	-- Pancho Villa (1877-1923), last words
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?  Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband: "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous." Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" Wife: "In the pool."
Win with humility; lose with grace.
Wisdom has two parts: 1) having a lot to say; and 2) not saying it.
Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald. (Irish proverb)
Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. <BR>	-- Plato
Women like silent men. They think they're listening. <BR>	-- Marcel Archard
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.<BR>HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."<BR>HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."<BR>HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."<BR>HER: "Well, the air bag works."
Work like you don't need the money, love like your heart has never been broken, and dance as if no one is watching. <BR>	-- Satchel Paige
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you many never owe.
You are getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven.
You are young only once, but you can be immature all your life.
You can win more friends with your ears than you can with your mouth!
You have to protect the privacy of the advice you get, or you'll never get the advice you need. <BR>	-- Richard Nixon
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. <BR>	-- P. J. O'Rourke
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. <BR>	-- Gandhi
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment. <BR>	-- Karen Crockett
You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you realised how seldom they do.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the under dog in the fight - this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one - this is business. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A good lie will have travled half way around the world while the truth is putting on her boots. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
All schools, all colleges have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal valuable knowledge. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A man with a new idea is a crank until he succeeds. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be lead by the nose. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling. For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g/j' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x' -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or a newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
"Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Broad, wholesome, charitable views can not be acquired by vegetating in one's little corner of the earth. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear; not absence of fear. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Happiness ain't a thing in itself -- it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant... And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain't happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I am the entire human race compacted together. I have found that there is no ingredient of the race which I do not possess in either a small way or a large way. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I find that the further I go back, the better things, whether they happened or not. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, then we would have two mouths and only one ear. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
If you have nothing to say, say nothing. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
If you invent two or three people and turn them loose in your manuscript, something is bound to happen to them -- you can't help it; and then it will take you the rest of the book to get them out of the natural consequences of that occurrence, and so first thing you know, there's your book all finished up and never cost you an idea. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I have not a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity -- these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of them. They hide nothing; they are not ashamed. Man, with his soiled mind, covers himself... Man is the Animal that Blushes. He is the only one that does it -- or has occasion to. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
In the real world, the right thing never happens in the right place and the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to make it appear that it has. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me now I would go to that man and take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot and kill him. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
It is discouraging to try and penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of the rigidity out of it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
It is not best that we should all think alike; it is differences of opinion that make horse races. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Let us not be too particular: it is better to have old second hand diamonds than none at all. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out... and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel... And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man" - with his mouth. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Methuselah lived to be 969 years old. You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine -- everybody drinks water. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Never let formal education get in the way of your learning. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain't nothing can beat teamwork. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Put all your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling; the comic and the witty upon the matter. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity and perjury. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The pause - that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence, which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, howsoever felicitous, could accomplish it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one -- keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There are some books that refuse to be written. They stand their ground year after year and will not be persuaded. It isn't because the book is not there and worth being written -- it is only because the right form of the story does not present itself. There is only one right form for a story and if you fail to find that form the story will not tell itself. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it can destroy bad principles and recreate good ones; it can lift men to angelship. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The secret of success is to make your vocation your vacation. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
We do not deal in facts when we are contemplating ourselves. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
We had the stars up there," said Huck, "And we use to lie on our backs and look up at them and discuss 'bout whether they was made or just happened. Jim he allowed that the stars was made, but I allowed they just happened. Jim said the Moon could'a laid them; Well, that looked kind of reasonable so I didn't say nothing against it. I've seen a frog lay most as many, so of course it could be done. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one either. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
What is the most rigorous law of our being?  Growth. No smallest atom of our moral, mental, or physical structure can stand still a year. It grows - it must grow; nothing can prevent it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction?  Fiction after all, has to make sense. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
First off, you need an operating system, which is the 'Godfather' program that operates behind the scenes, telling all the other programs what to do, making sure they cooperate, and if necessary leaving the heads of virtual horses in their beds. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
After the little yeasts are done converting your ingredients into beer, they die horrible deaths by the millions. You shouldn't feel bad about this. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet, are (1) 'failure to include a current address' and (2) 'failure to be a large industry that gives humongous contributions to key tax-law writing congresspersons.'  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Those of you who were fortunate enough to read last year's column no doubt recall that I advised you to cheat, on the grounds that by reducing the amount of money you gave the government, you'd be supporting the President in his program to reduce government spending. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Alaska was originally a large place located way the hell past Canada, but this proved to be highly inconvenient for mapmakers, who in 1873 voted to make it smaller and put it into a little box next to Hawaii right off the coast of Calafornia, where it is today. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The First Amendment states that members of religious groups, no matter how small and unpopular, shall have the right to hassle you in airports. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Second Amendment states that, since a well-regulated militia is necessary to the security of a free state, you can buy high-powered guns via mail order and go out into the woods with your friends and absolutely vaporize some deer. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Third Amendment states that you don't have to quarter troops inside your house. "You troops are just going to have to sleep on the patio" is a perfectly constitutional thing for you to tell them. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Fifth Amendment states that your Fifth Amendment rights cannot be violated until you are advised of them. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime, you have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Seventh Amendment states that if you are in the Express Lane, and you have more than one item of produce of the same biological type, you may count these as one item in order to keep yourself under the ten-item limit. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The members of the Continental Congress were extremely impressed by the Decleration of Independence that Jefferson had written, at least the part that they read, and on the following day, October 8th, the nation celebrated its very first July Fourth. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Mayans were constructing a culture down in Mexico featuring a calander so advanced that it can still, to this very day, tell you where various celestial bodies such as Venus and the Moon will be at any given moment. THEY WILL BE OUT IN SPACE, states the miraculous Mayan calender. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Today's top executives eat teeny meals and run 10 miles and play tennis and work out every day. Of course, they're so busy getting fit that many don't even know where their offices are. That's why the entire U.S. economy is now manufactured in Japan. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Every morning you should take a vitamin D pill, followed by an E, until you've spelled the healthful mnemonic phrase: "A DEAD CAD BAKED A BAD CAKE, ACE."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Four Major Warning Signs of Vitamin Deficiency are: (1) Nosebleeds, (2) A sudden fondness for Wayne Newton, (3) Unusually thick coats on woolly caterpillars, and (4) Death. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
White bread and refined sugar, if eaten, cause death within hours. So it's important to watch what you eat, at least until it gets inside your mouth. After that it becomes pretty disgusting. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
One good place to run is in the Olympic marathon, because (a) you only have to do it once every four years, and (b) you have an armed motorcycle escort, so if people try to thrust liquids and fruits at you, which is a common problem in marathons, you can order your escort to fire a few warning rounds into their chests. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Archeologists digging in what was once ancient Sumeria recently found the remains of a primitive stone jockstrap. This goes a long way toward explaining why you see so few Sumerians around. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
You can't just sit down and dash off a column that says: "The Middle East! Ha ha!  What a bunch of boogerheads!"  No, there is a lot more to it than THAT. As a respected commentator, I am expected to produce a column that is thoughtful, insightful, profound, and - above all - 800 words long. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Remember the wise words of the old Indian saying: "Before you criticize a man's collection of columns, walk a mile in his moccasins, bearing in mind that this is a good way to catch a fungus."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
All of Mister Language Person's answers are intended to be as accurate and informative as is humanly possible while still containing words such as "booger."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I've determined that we have a worldwide exploding-thing epidemic on our hands, and until further notice we should all take the sensible precaution of avoiding things whenever possible. For example, you should never have bought this book. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Spontaneous human combustion is when people, with no apperant cause, suddenly start burning like campfire marshmellows, reaching temperatures of thousands of degrees andbeing completely reduced to ashes. This is often fatal. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass of the eight-ton dead whale that washed up on Oregon's beach was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Professor Donald Johnson has been studying cow flatulence for 20 years, and has determined that the average cow emits 200 to 400 quarts of methane PER DAY, resulting in a total annual world cow methane output of 50 million metric TONS. (Campers: This is yet another argument for NEVER allowing a cow inside your sleeping bag.)  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Clearly what is called for is a federal task force, ideally headed by Dan Quayle, who seems to have a lot of spare time, assuming that he is not called upon to suddenly, without warning, become the president of the United States. (Published in DAVE BARRY TALKS BACK, 1991)  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
All the people who have led moral lives will go straight to heaven, whereas you and your friends are going to suffer through seven years of war, plagues, famines, and sitting in a small room while a man named "Nate" explains the advantages of time-sharing. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The article quotes a wildlife official as saying that great horned owls "regularly" attack people. "They have very powerful feet," the official says, leading us to believe that it is just a matter of time before these creatures are employed by automobile dealerships ("No thanks really, I was just look... HEY!  Let GO!!"). <BR>	-- Dave Barry
18th Century Tax Forms: "To determineth the amounteth that thou canst claimeth for depreciation to thine cow, deducteth the amount showneth on Line XVLIICX-A of Schedule XIV, from the amount showneth on Line CVXILIIVMM of Schedule XVVII... No, waiteth, we meaneth Line XCII of Schedule CXVIILMM... No holdeth it, we meaneth..."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The scientists at the World Center for Birds of Prey are trying to breed falcons, sometimes via artificial insemination, which means they (the scientists) have to get hold of some falcon semen, which you cannot simply pick up in your local supermarket. (Well, OK, you CAN, but it's not fresh.)  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
A Health Reminder from the Bureau of Medical Alarm: Don't smoke or drink. Or eat. Or go outside. Or breathe. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The metric conversion was clearly a good idea, and when the government started putting up metric highway signs (SPEED LIMIT 173 CENTIPDES) Americans warmly responded by shooting them down. Thus, the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Anybody who has ever seen a photograph showing the kind of damage that a trout falling at such a high speed can inflict on the human skull knows that such photographs are very valuable. I paid $20 for mine. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Dave's Safety Precautions: (1) Never keep three-year-old children around the house. (2) If you do, never sleep. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Disney World is a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I think the people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads at Disney World are part of a corporate discipline program for Disney executives: "Johnson, your department is over budget again. You know what that means." "No! Please!"  "Yes!  INTO THE GOOFY SUIT!"  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people?  My guess: 1952. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Tragically, my wife and I both happen to be domestically impaired. If we were birds, our nest would consist of a single twig with the eggs attached via Scotch tape. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Nintendo enables the child to develop a sense of self-worth by mastering a complex, demanding task that makes his father look like a total goober. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The typical Nintendo game involves controlling a little man who runs around on the screen trying to stay alive while numerous powerful and inexplicably hostile forces try to kill him; in other words, it's exactly like real life. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
When I play Nintendo, the little man on the screen becomes highly suicidal. If he can't locate a hostile force to get killed by, he will deliberately swallow the contents of a little elctronic Valium bottle. So all my games end instantly, whereas my son can keep the little man alive through several presidential administrations. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The trick to remember while backing a boat into a carport is, if you turn your car wheels to the right ("starboard"), the boat trailer will actually go to the LEFT ("forecastle"), until your wife ("Beth") announces that you have run over a sprinkler head ("$12.95"). <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Finally, when I was fully confident that, if necessary, I could take the boat out myslef and get everyone killed, we returned home to spend a carefree evening washing our hull. You have to do this because - get ready for a fascinating nautical fact - seawater is very bad for boats. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We wanted to have a relaxing family vacation, so we got together with two other families and rented a sailboat in the Virgin Islands. There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea,listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?"  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We hired a local captain for the first afternoon of our cruise to demonstrate the finer points of seamanship. He was on our boat for a total of three hours, during which he demonstrated that he could drink six of our beers and two large direct-from-the-bottle swigs of our rum and still not fall headfirst into the Caribbean. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It's a basic rule of seamanship that everybody's clothes have to be wet all the time. If there's no wind to make the ship lean over, thus allowing water to splash in and get all the clothes wet, you are required by maritime law to throw your clothes overboard a couple of times a day. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The key to a successful Summer Vacation Adventure is preperation. For example, if you're planning a trip to Europe to visit historic sites such as the Hunchback of Notre Dame Cathedral, you should prepare RIGHT NOW by setting fire to your airline tickets. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate the remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I was genuinely surprised by the hostile reaction to my column about England, and all I can say to those concerned is: I humbly apoligize for offending you, and I promise that I will never, ever again, even in jest, say anything remotely insulting about England, and I especially will not make note of the obvious defects in the royal gene pool. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Recently my family and I spent a week in London, which is a popular foreign place to visit because they have learned to speak some English over there. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The British have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off, which is why members of the royal family now wear protective steel neck inserts, which is why they walk the way they do. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In America, people drive on the RIGHT side of the street, whereas in London, they drive on BOTH sides of the street, using hard-to-see cars about the size of toaster ovens. The best way to handle this, as a tourist, is to remain on one side of the street for your entire visit, and see the other side on another trip. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Here at the Institute of Scary foods we are highly suspicious of olives, which, in our opinion, are the eyeballs of giant frogs. We believe that if you stood outside an olive factory, you'd hear the unmistakable tragic sound (RIBBETT-THUMP; RIBBETT-THUMP) of terrified sightless frogs leaping into things. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
This fall, we'll be seeing a new, redesigned $20 bill. This is part of an anti-counterfeiting program to redesign all of our old currency, which has become too easy to duplicate with modern color photocopiers - a fact that was made all too clear when the Xerox Corp., in its 1997 annual report, reported profits of "$850 trillion, mostly in 50s."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
To thwart would-be photocopiers, instead of saying "TWENTY DOLLARS," the new, redesigned $20 bills say "FIFTEEN DOLLARS."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I turned 50, which is really not so old. A lot of very famous people accomplished great things after 50. For example, it was during the post-50 phase of his life that the brilliant physicist Albert Einstein produced the vast majority of his drool. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I decided I'd better go in for my annual physical examination, which is something I do approximately every seven to nine years. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
>From the Hippocratic Oath: "And I swear by my Lexus that if a person comes into my office for any reason, whether it be for a physical examination or simply to deliver the mail, I will find something medically wrong with that person."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Everybody should have a pet. And I'm not saying this just because the American Pet Council gave me a helicopter. I'm also saying it because my family has always owned pets, and without them, our lives would not be nearly so rich in - call me sentimental, but this is how I feel - dirt. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
A Labrador retriever is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely of synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
For sheer hostility in a pet, you can't beat a parrot. I base this statement on a parrot I knew named Charles who belonged to a couple named Ed and ginny. Charles had an IQ of 260 and figured out early in life that if he talked to people, they'd get close enough so he could bite them. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I got hundreds of responses to my "Eat Bugs For Money" column, including dozens of people who were willing to eat bugs for free. Bear in mind that, under our system of government, these people can vote. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys are biologically capable of keeping track of a huge number of TV programs simultaneously by changing the channel the instant something boring happens, such as dialouge. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Women, because of a tragic genetic flaw, feel compelled to watch only ONE PROGRAM AT A TIME, the way people did back in the Middle Ages, before the invention of the remote control. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
There was a survey in which researchers asked tourists how come they didn't want to come back to New York City, and the tourists said it was because there was so much mean-spiritedness. So the researchers spat on them. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenevr I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it's LAST YEAR'S Hefty trash bag. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The United Nations reception area was filled with representatives of nations large and small, rich and poor, from all over the world; and although I sometimes tend to be cynical, I could not help but be deeply moved, as a journalist and a human being, by the fact that some of these people had haircuts EVEN WORSE THAN MINE. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I am forced to admit that I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. The one time I did sit through one, it lasted approximately as long as fourth grase and featured large men singing for 45 minutes in a foreign language merely to observe that the sun had risen. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Holiday Season is here again, and there's "something special" in the air. It's the aroma being given off by our mailperson, who expired in our driveway several days ago while attempting to deliver 300 pounds of Holiday Greeting cards. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Ten Plagues of Egypt are: blood, darkness, blight, slaying of the first born, wild beasts, lice, boils, locusts, hail and -- you guessed it -- Leonardo DiCaprio. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The First Rule of Car Buying is one that I learned long ago from my father, namely: Never buy any car that my father would buy. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Modern cars employ all kinds of technologically advanced concepts such as measuring the engine in "liters."  Let's say you buy a car with a "5.7 liter engine": This means that when it breaks, you should not ask your mechanic how much it's going to cost until you've consumed 5.7 liters of a manufacturer-approved wine. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Pennies were invented during the Great Depression, a grim era that was filmed entirely in black and white. The nation needed a very small unit of money, because back then - ask anybody who lived through it - the average salary was only four cents per year, and houses cost a dime, and a dollar would buy you a working railroad. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It is at times like this that we should remember the words of President John F. Kennedy, who, in his stirring inaugural address, said: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
You readers really came through in our Defecit Reduction Contest, proving once againthat when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In your suggestions for our Defecit Reduction Contest, by reading between the lines, I detected a certain amount of hostility in these entries, especially the ones proposing a nuclear strike on the U.S. Capitol. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I am sick and tired of our so-called representatives in Washington being influenced by powerful special-interest groups on crucial federal issues. As you have no doubt gathered, I am referring to the current effort to name an Official National Insect. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Today's Tip for Fiction Writers: To make your writing more vivid, insert a literary device. WEAK: "Detective Jake Turmoil slowly opened the door to the killer's room."  STRONG: "Detective Jake Turmoil slowly opened the door to the killer's room and a metaphor sliced off his head."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
IRS HUMOR EXAMPLE: "A lawyer, a doctor, and a priest were marooned on a desert island. So we consificated their homes."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
English spelling is unusual because our language is a rich verbal tapestry woven together from the tounges of the Greeks, the Latins, the Angles, the Klaxons, the Celtics, the 76ers, and many other ancient peoples, all of whom had severe drinking problems. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The main punctuation marks are the period, the coma, the colonel, the semicolonel, the probation mark, the catastrophe, the eclipse, the Happy Face, and the box where the person checks "yes" to receive more information. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
There is definitely too much anger in the world today. Pick up almost any newspaper, and the odds are you'll get ink smeared all over your hands. We use a special kind of easy-smear ink, because we know how much it irritates you. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
As you know if you ever studied the famous Greek philosopher Aristotle, he was easily the most boring human being who ever lived. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We can find evidence of anger in the animal kingdom. The great white shark, for example, periodically gets furious at the small seaside resort town of Amity and tries to eat all the residents, possibly in an effort to prevent another sequel. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If you were to probe inside the guy psyche, beneath that macho exterior and the endless droning about things like the 1978 World Series, you would find, deep down inside, a passionate, heartfelt interest in: the 1978 World Series. Yes. The truth is, guys don't HAVE any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings. It's time you women knew!  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
My editor, Gene, can remember the complete starting lineups for the New York Yankee teams from 1960 through 1964, and yet rountinely makes calls wherein, after he dials the phone, he forgets who he's calling, so when somebody answers, Gene has to ask (a) who it is, and (b) does this person happen to know the purpose of the call. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Today's man knows that he's supposed to be a sensitive and caring relationship partner, and he's making radical life-style changes such as sometimes remembering to remove the used tissue wads from his pockets before depositing his pants on the floor to be picked up by the Laundry Fairy. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
There was respect in Robert's eyes as I strode out to face the spider. As well there should have been. Here in South Florida we have a special name for this kind of spider: We call it "a spider the size of Harold C. Crittenden Junior High School," although its technical Latin name is "Bernice."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Like many South Floridians, we have our house in a neighborhod that we are pretty sure is occupied by drug dealers, as indicated by subtle signs such as cars coming and going at all hours, bed sheets over the windows, a big sign stating, DRUGS FOR SALE HERE, etc. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If you're looking for a sport that offers both of the Surgeon General's Two Recommended Key Elements of Athletic Activity, namely (1) rental shoes and (2) beer, then you definitely want to take up bowling. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I love to bowl. I even belong to a bowling team, the Pin Worms. How good are we?  I don't wish to brag, but we happen to be ranked, in the World Bowling Association standings, under the heading "Severely Impaired."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
On planes, I always take a window seat, because I want to know if a wing falls off. The pilot would never even mention this. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys are AWARE of the rules of moral behaviour, but they have trouble keeping these rules in the forefronts of their minds at certain times, especially the present. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I realize, of course, that there are countless examples of guys being faithful to their mates until they die, usually as a result of being eaten by their mates immediately following copulation. Guys outside the spider community, however, do not have a terrific record of faithfulness. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
As the ancient Greek historian Thucydides often said when he was alive, "History is a bunch of things that happened in the past."  His point was that human civilization is a journey, and only by retracing the steps of that journey can we truly come to know, as a species, where we lost our keys. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
January 1, 1000, was the historic day that humanity celebrated the dawn of our current millennium. The occasion was marked by feasting, dancing, and the public beheading of a whiny, tedious group of people who would not stop insisting that, technically, the new millennium did not begin until January 1, 1001. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Feudalism was based on a "ladder-type" of organizational structure, similar to Amway. You started out on the bottom rung, in the position of serf. This was not an easy job, but if you worked hard, followed the rules, did not complain and were a "team player," after a certain period of time, you fell off the bottom rung and died. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Leif Ericson, the legendary Viking, and his hardy crew set sail from Greenland and finally, after many harrowing weeks at sea during which they almost perished, discovered a new land. It turned out to be Canada, so they went home. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1337 France, which was then under King Philip VI, was invaded by England, which was then under King Edward III, who had vowed to kill any monarch with a higher Roman numeral. This led to the Hundred Years War, which, because of delays caused by equipment problems, is still going on. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Being burned at the stake had become the punishment for just about every infraction including jousting without a permit. By the 1430s so many people had been burned at the stake that Europe ran out of stakes and had to start burning people at the lump of peat, which took forever. Eventually the fuel was exhausted, and the Dark Ages began. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
And thus it was that in 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed from Spain and discovered America, which he believed was the East Indies. The reason he believed this is that prank-loving Vikings, who had discovered America 300 years earlier, had left a sign that said "WELCOME TO THE EAST INDIES!"  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
By the 1500s there were ships sailing everywhere, carrying the message of European civilization to the indigenous peoples of Africa and the Americas (the message was: "Hi!  We own you!"). <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Elizabeth I presided over the Elizabethan Era, which produced the immortal William Shakespeare, who wrote such timeless works as "Richard II", "Richard III", "Richard III Strikes Back" and "Hamlet Hears a Who", and who gave us a priceless legacy of famous phrases that, to this very day, are pretty much incomprehensible. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
One night in 1609 an astronomer named Galileo, who had just invented a new device called the "telescope," peered through it and discovered that he could see directly into the bedroom window of a woman who lived nearly 500 feet away. As a result, many guys became interested in astronomy. Or so they told their wives. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Another important scientific advance occurred in 1614 when the logarithm was invented by Scottish mathematician John Napier. Some day, when time travel is invented, high-school students will go back and kill him. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1687 Sir Isaac Newton, after watching an apple fall off a tree, wrote his famous Principia Mathematica, which states that there is a universal force, called "gravity," inside apples. Later scientists would expand this definition to include grapefruit, but the basic concept remains unchanged to this day. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
At this time France was experiencing its glory years under Louis XIV, who became known as the "Sun King" because he was more than 2 million miles in circumference. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
But things were not so good for England, which in 1665 suffered through the Great Plague of London, which was followed in 1666 by the Great Fire of London, which was followed in 1667 by the first recorded attack on London by Godzilla. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES OF THE 1700s: In England, a chemist named Daniel Rutherford discovered nitrogen, without which many of us would not be here today. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In Egypt, soldiers discovered the Rosetta Stone (daughter of Sol and Esther Stone). This was very significant, because it enabled scholars, for the first time, to decipher ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, which turned out to be a letter from Publishers Clearing House informing the ancient Egyptians that they might already have won 200 sheep. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1765 the British Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which decreed that if the colonists wanted to buy stamps, they had to wait in long lines at inconveniently located postal facilities staffed by surly clerks who periodically went on murderous rampages with semiautomatic muskets. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
On the fateful night of April 18, 1775, the Revolutionary War began when Paul Revere made his legendary "midnight ride," galloping all the way from Boston to Lexington while shouting the message that would resound through the annals of history: "I CAN'T STOP MY HORSE!"  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Finally, after many historic battles whose names all American schoolchildren should be forced to memorize before they are allowed to buy one more damn Pokemon card if you want our frank opinion, the British surrendered. At last, after years of oppression, all Americans were truly free! (Except for the slaves.)  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Soon the delegates to the Constitutional Convention were hard at work, and in 1788, the constitution they created underwent formal ratification, a complex legal procedure involving actual rats. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
During the War of 1812 (1807-10), the British marched into Washington, D.C., and, with the help of local residents, burned the Internal Revenue Service to the ground. Tragically, it was rebuilt, and eventually the British went back to England, where many of them still reside today. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Meanwhile, over in Europe, Napoleon Bonaparte had himself crowned emperor of France in recognition of the fact that he, alone among all the French, could rearrange the letters in his name to spell "Rent An Abalone Poop."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
A few years later England and China got into the Opium War, during which soldiers on both sides spent most of the time lying around staring at candles and going, "Wow!"  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1807, an American inventor named Robert Fulton put a steam engine aboard a ship called the Clermont. Needless to say, it sank like an anvil, thus confirming the widespread scientific belief that gravity was still working. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1860, Lincoln ran for president (slogan: "He's Taller Than You") and was elected, only to see the nation rent asunder in 1861 by the Civil War, starring Clark Gable as Rhett Butler. America descended into a long, dark nightmare as brother fought against brother. As you can imagine, this drove their mother crazy. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1859, English naturalist Charles Darwin published his groundbreaking work Origin of Species, in which he theorized that life evolves, through natural selection, from lower and cruder to higher and more sophisticated levels, except in Kansas. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1869, the Suez Canal was finally completed, which meant that for the first time ships could go from wherever the Suez Canal started to wherever it ended, something that had not been possible before. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1877, inventor Thomas Alva Edison leaned over a device and recited "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in a loud and clear voice. Nothing happened, because the device was a pencil sharpener. Embarrassed, Edison vowed that one day he would invent an electric light so he could see what the hell he was doing. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The U.S., determined to liberate Cuba from Spanish control, dispatched the famous "Rough Riders" in the legendary charge up San Juan Hill, only to enjoy a hearty laugh at their own expense when they realized that San Juan was in Puerto Rico. Historians believe this is the first known instance of the Central Intelligence Agency in action. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
But an even more important thing happened in on Dec. 17, 1903, in Kitty Hawk, N.C.: two bicycle mechanics named Wilbur and Orville Wright Brothers, who as boys had dreamed of building a flying machine so they could drop bombs on the kids who laughed at them for being named "Wilbur" and "Orville," successfully tested the first airplane. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It was also an Age of Exploration. In 1909, Robert E. Peary reported that he had reached the North Pole; in 1911, Roald Amundsen reported that he had reached the South Pole; and in 1913 Walter M. Fleemotz of Decatur, Ga., reported that he had discovered the West Pole in his basement. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
On a more upbeat note, the Russians, after centuries of oppression, finally got rid of the Czar System of government and switched to the Communist Dictator System, epitomized by Joseph Stalin, who came to power with the popular slogan "He Wants To Kill Pretty Much Everybody."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote (for men). <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In the arena of scientific progress, a German-born physicist named Albert Einstein was thinking up things that were so amazing they made his hair stick out. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The nation was plunged into the Great Depression, which resulted in joblessness, homelessness, poverty, hunger and literally millions of Shirley Temple movies, traces of which can still be seen today. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
There was also hope in the Middle East, where the state of Israel was born in a happy celebration highlighted by festive artillery fire that is still going on in some areas. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
And so, this New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes 12, raise a glass to toast the millions of our ancestors who went before us, paving the way for the safe and secure civilization that we enjoy today. Then, when the clock strikes 13 and the lights go out, start your generator and load your gun. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Dave on Y2K: At exactly midnight on Dec. 31, all the computers in the world, and an estimated 80 percent of the Etch-a-Sketches, will malfunction. In one way, this is good: Your Permanent Record from school will be erased forever, which means future generations will never find out that you once mooned a Thanksgiving assembly. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Dave on Y2K: Lights will go out; phones will stop working; juke boxes will refuse to play anything except ``Copacabana''; VCR machines will suddenly start displaying the correct time; and airline computers will charge people who are on the same flight THE EXACT SAME FARE. Within hours, civilization will collapse. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Unfortunately for Bill Gates, who built himself a house the size of the Houston Astrodome to store canned food in, the Y2K problem is also going to cause all the can openers in the world, both electric and manual, to become inoperable. But don't worry about Bill Gates: He employs many skilled, highly intelligent engineers. So he can eat them. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
You must find a way, right now, to feed your family when Y2K strikes. You will NOT be able to grow crops, because photosynthesis will no longer work (many areas will also be without gravity). <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Star Wars has become an important and cherished part of our shared cultural heritage, like Starbucks and Pez. And soon another chapter will be added to the Star Wars legend with the release of the long-awaited new installment in the series, entitled Episode One: The Empire Gets a Building Permit. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Dave on the characters of the original Star Wars trilogy: Along the way, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) meets many memorable characters, including Han Solo (Indiana Jones), Chewbacca (Sonny Bono), Princess Leia (Prince) and two quirky, lovable robots, C-3PO (Tony Danza) and R2-D2 (F7-Z9). <BR>	-- Dave Barry
When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. Her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "8" or "10." Don't ask me "8" or "10" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The point, young people, is that there is a right way and a wrong way to prepare for your SATs, and unless you are even stupider than you look, you want to do it the right way. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The term "SAT" is a set of initials, or "antonym," standing for "Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization."  This is a series of tests that predict your ability to perform in the college environment by measuring the degree to which you possess knowledge that nobody would ever in a million years actually need. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The SAT was developed by the prestigious Educational Testing Service, which is located in Princeton, N.J., home of Harvard University. The original idea behind the SATs, as stated in the E.T.S.'s Official Historical Statement of Goals and Purposes, was "to sell a huge quantity of No. 2 pencils that we ordered by mistake."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Experts suggest that if you don't know the answer on an SAT, you start by "weeding out" the answers that are obviously false. Some of the telltale signs to look for are: * The answer contains swear words. * The answer contains the phrase "according to a White House spokesperson."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Microsoft's No. 1 product is Windows, which now comes automatically installed on every computer in the world and many kitchen appliances. Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I also want Janet Reno to appoint somebody -- I'm thinking Kenneth Starr -- to look into the very real possibility that Windows is cheating at solitaire. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Members of the Class of 1997, as I stand before you to deliver your commencement address, I am reminded of a humorous story. Unfortunately, I can't tell it, because it's dirty. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Young people, you'll find that the things you learned in school will be vitally important to your success, provided that you are a contestant on Jeopardy. Otherwise they're useless. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people?  THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great!  Just what we need!  Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do!  Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We live in troubled and uncertain times, but I am feeling good -- about myself; about my homeland; about all the nations of the earth; and, yes, about future of humanity. And I will tell you why: I am on painkillers. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Last year, in history class, my son Rob studied The Sixties. That's right: The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire, except that as far as modern kids are concerned, The Sixties featured stupider haircuts. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
My point is that I have never been a huge fan of Beowulf, or epic poems in general. "Epic," in my opinion, is a code word that English teachers use for "boring," the same way they use "satirical" when they mean "you will not laugh once."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys do not get enough credit for being domestic. This is because the people who give OUT the credits for being domestic are -- not to generalize or anything -- women. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys are sometimes accused of not having a domestic "flair" just because they tend to accessorize a room with used pizza boxes. But there are examples of guys coming up with decorative "touches" that Martha Stewart would never conceive of even with the aid of world-class narcotics. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
So let's not say that guys are not domestic, OK?  When we see a guy who makes drapes by nailing trash bags over his windows, let's remember that he might have a legitimate domestic reason, such as that he ran out of duct tape. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Many people, responding to a column I wrote on the SAT tests, angrily objected to my statement that Princeton, N.J., is the home of Harvard University. Whoops!  Princeton is of course the home of Yale University. Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a type of weevil. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Second, I received a letter from a woman who chastised me for stating, in a column about the Napa Valley, that "pinot noir" is French for "a type of wine."  This is totally incorrect: "pinot noir" is actually French for "not a type of wine."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
But the point is that I am very sorry about these pesky errors that keep creeping into my column, and I am grateful to the many readers who, week after week, write angry letters correcting me. This is in no way whatsoever related to the topic of this week's column; namely: Is the public stupid?  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In closing, let me repeat that I am not saying that YOU are stupid. You, personally, are highly intelligent. How do I know this?  Because I'm psychic!  I also know that your name . . . wait a minute . . . it's coming to me . . . your name contains at least one vowel. Am I right? I knew it!  Pretty impressive, huh?  Send me some money. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
How are you, the Class of 1999, going to respond when the Clock-Radio of Challenge emits the Irritating Buzz of Opportunity?  Are you going to roll over and hit the Snooze Button of Complacency?  Or are you going to wake up and, after performing the Bodily Functions of Preparedness, boldly grasp the Toothbrush of Tomorrow?  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I hope you are ready to take over, Class of '99, because my generation is getting old and tired. And we have good reason to be tired: We won World War II. No, wait, that was our parents. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Thanks to the Internet, all you have to do is type in the words "population of Rhode Island" into your computer, and a moment later the number appears on your computer screen: 467,298. This is not the population of Rhode Island, of course: This is the number of Web sites that contain the words "population," "Rhode," "Island" or "of."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Men tend to attach great significance to Manhood. This results in certain characteristically masculine, by which I mean stupid, behavioral patterns that can produce unfortunate results such as violent crime, war, spitting and ice hockey. These things have given males a bad name (specifically, "asshole"). <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I realize that I'm making gender-based generalizations here, but my feeling is that if God did not want us to make gender-based generalizations, She would not have given us genders. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I'm not saying guys are scum. I'm saying that many guys who consider themselves to be committed to their marriages will stray if they are confronted with overwhelming temptation, defined as "virtually any temptation."  Okay, so maybe I AM saying guys are scum. But they're not MEAN-SPIRITED scum. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Sitting around for no reason in the guise of being engaged in productive work was the first real guy contribution to human civilization, forming the underlying basis for many modern institutions and activities such as fishing, sales confrences, highway repair, the federal government, and "Customer Service."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The most significant achievement of ancient Egyptian guys occurred at the funeral of the great Pharaoh Amentooten III, when some guys invented the famous "Substitute Mummy Filled with Live Weasels" prank. This lead to the collapse of the Egyptian empire, but everybody involved agreed it was worth it. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Middle Ages saw the breakdown of civilization in Western Europe - a severe decline in cultural values and standards; a rapid descent into chaos and near-barbarism. So it was a pretty good time for guys. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Renaissance saw the rebirth of interest in philosophy, science, and the arts, and above all the rise of humanism - a philosophy centered on the distinctive needs, interests and ideals of... not deities, but PEOPLE. Guys were in favor of this because it resulted in statues of naked women. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
To understand guys, it is essential to remember that, deep down inside, they are biological creatures, like jellyfish or trees, only less likely to clean the bathroom. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of NOT thinking about sex, and that most guys are not. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I want to stress here that I am NOT saying that guys are stupid. I am saying that, because of subtle and extremely complex biochmical reactions taking place in their bodies, guys ACT stupid. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Your basic guy dog firmly believes that if he pees on enough territory, he will be declared Dominant Male Dog of the Entire Earth. This is basically the same instince that determines the U.S. foreign policy, except that instead of peeing on foreign countries, we give them money or drop bombs on them, sometimes simultaneously. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We see that testosterone can lead to some very destructive forms of male behavior, the two worst being: (1) War (2) Do-it-yourself projects. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It's hard to avoid falling into the stereotype-toy trap. When my son, Rob, was born, my philosophy was that he should have only politically correct, environmentally sound, gender-neutral toys, such as a spinning top carved out of nonendangered wood or recycled tofu. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Toys marketed for boys tend to encourage the boys' already aggressive nature, which could be why boys spend so much time acting like what trained professional psychologists call "jerks."  Or it could be that boys are born with some kind of jerk gene, and the toy people are merely cashing in on this. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course, this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
A lot of women have concluded that the problem is that guys, as a group, have the emotional maturity of a hamster. No, this is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Attatched to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take steps that might LEAD to commitments. That is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he will often demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Consider the behaviour of guy dogs, who spend their lives in a ceaseless quest to establish their masculine dominance by peeing on everything in the entire world. Scientists believe that the reason dogs howl at the moon is because they (the dogs) (also some of the scientists) are upset that the can't get up there and pee on it. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys care about sport teams. I'm not talking about simply roting; I'm talking about a RELATIONSHIP that guys develop, a COMMITMENT to a sports team that guys take way more seriously than, say, wedding vows. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
You may feel that there is something twisted about the values of a guy who can be more committed to a bunch of transient athletes than he is to his own wife. But you have to consider the larger picture, from the guy's point of view: His wife may be a warm, loving, and loyal person, but THERE IS NO WAY SHE WILL EVER MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
You should understand that, as a longtime 76ers fan, I hated the Celtics. Not in the way I hate, for example, Hitler, but more often. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I read an article once stating that down in Central America, they take sports a little too seriously in the sense that they routinely kill each other over soccer. (For the record, I think this is over reacting, unless of course once again we are talking about the play-offs.)  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The guy mind doesn't believe in medical care. Guys will generally not seek medical treatment, for themselves or for others, except in clear-cut situations, such as decapitation. And even then, guys are not going to be 100 percent certain. "Let's put his head back on with duct tape and see if he can play a few more innings," is the prevailing guy attitude. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
My feeling is that if more guys would join mellow, purposeless, and semi-dysfunctional organizations such as the Lawn Rangers, then there would be a lot fewer guys getting involved in aggressive, venal, destructive, and frequently criminal organizations such as the U.S. Congress. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guy Memory Lapses stem from the fact that guys devote so much of their brain to remembering vital facts such as who was named MVP of the 1978 Super Bowl that they cannot always remember minor details, such as that they have left an infant on the roof of the car. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
DNA molecules (DNA stands for "DinohydroNuclearsomethingsofAmerica") contain strings of small electrons called "genes" that provide, in secret code (to prevent other species, such as raccoons, from stealing it), all the information required to make you an individual person, such as hair color, shoe size, and social security number. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I have been married, on and off, since 1969, and I STILL do not grasp the point of making the bed. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I will admit that most guys do not do any more laundry than they absolutely have to. A single-sock load would not be out of the question, for a guy. A guy might well choose to wash ONLY THE REALLY DIRTY PART of the sock. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Let me stress for the benefit of any impressionable young readers out there that marijuana is very, very bad. Medical research has shown that people who use marijuana are more than EIGHT TIMES as likely as non-users to eat raw cookie dough. And the figures are even more frightening for pepperoni. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
My point is that guys are not merely shallow, childish, irresponsible, unreliable, slovenly, sports-crazed, sex-obsessed, crotch-scratching boors. They ARE all these things, but they are not MERELY these things. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Guys are capable of achievements that a nonguy cannot imagine without the aid of strong prescription drugs. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
No matter what NASA would have us believe, the purpose of the space program is NOT to benefit the human race by advancing the frontiers of human knowledge. We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to go to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Let's face it, the human race needs guys because of the numerous contributions that guys make to society - positive contributions, vital contributions, contributions that are in no way diminished by the fact that I can't, offhand, think of what they are. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I am darned proud of my script for "Titanic II."  I have been working on it, without sleeping or eating, except for two grilled-cheese sandwiches, for the better part of the last 35 minutes. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but bear in mind that writer/director James Cameron spent nearly twice that long on the script for the original movie. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The movie "Titanic" garnered a record 56 Academy Awards, including Best Major Motion Picture Lasting Longer Than Both O.J. Trials Combined; Most Total Water; Most Realistic Scene Of Bodies Falling Off The End Of A Sinking Ship And Landing On Big Ship Parts With A Dull Clonking Sound; and Most Academy Awards Garnered. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anybody going faster than you is a maniac?  <BR>	-- George Carlin
RARE (5-10 minutes): The outside is burnt and welded to the grill; the inside is pink and swirling with cow and pig disease germs. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
MEDIUM (5-10 minutes): The outside and part of the inside are burnt; many of the disease germs, particularly the elderly and pregnant ones, are dying slow, painful deaths. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
WELL DONE (5-10 minutes): Both the outside and the inside are completely burnt; almost all the disease germs are dead, and the few remaining ones are making elaborate plans for revenge. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Sometimes in politics the moral high ground can only be reached by wading through the lowlands of public amnesia. <BR>	-- Scott Burchill, SMH, 17th Dec 2003
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. <BR>	-- Jeremy S. Anderson
UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus. <BR>	-- Peter H. Coffin
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon. <BR>	-- Bill Hirst
It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies. <BR>	-- Mark Twain, on the Bible in "Letters from the Earth"
The two Testaments are interesting, each in its own way. The Old one gives us a picture of these people's Deity as he was before he got religion, the other one gives us a picture of him as he appeared afterward. <BR>	-- Mark Twain, on the Bible in "Letters from the Earth"
When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what He doesn't know. <BR>	-- Mark Twain's Notebook
Therefore the Church, after eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. <BR>	-- Mark Twain's Notebook
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same; but the medical practice changes... <BR>	-- Mark Twain "Bible Teaching and Religious Practice"
This (preparing my tax return) is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein (well, Hammer, on Rennlist, said so)
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!  <BR>	-- Hammer, on Rennlist
As folks might have suspected, not much survives except roaches, and they don't carry large enough packets fast enough... <BR>	-- About the Internet and nuclear war.
The absent are always in the wrong. <BR>	-- Philippe Destouches (1680-1754), French playwright
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
Advice is like kissing: It costs nothing and it's a pleasant thing to do. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), British playwright
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. <BR>	-- Erica Jong (1942-), U.S. writer & poet
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people. <BR>	-- Thomas L. Masson (1866-1934), writer
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. <BR>	-- Louis La Rochefoucauld (1777-1815)
I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. <BR>	-- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu (1689-1762), English poet
If I had been present at creation, I would have given some helpful hints. <BR>	-- Alfonso the Wise (1221-1284), Spanish king
No vice is so bad as advice. <BR>	-- Marie Dressler, (1869-1934). U.S. actress
Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it. <BR>	-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, Letters, 1952.
The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor. <BR>	-- Sam Ewing, (1921--), U.S. humorist
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900).
There is hardly a man on earth who will take advice unless he is certain that it is positively bad. <BR>	-- Edward Dahlberg (1900-1977), U.S. author
When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. <BR>	-- Joseph-Louis Lagrange (1796-1876), French mathematician
You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people. <BR>	-- Melissa Timberman
A large, clumsy umbrella is the best protection against the rain: there will be no rain as long as you're lugging it around. <BR>	-- Peter Wastholm, (1970--)
Abstain from beans. <BR>	-- Plutarch (46-120), Greek priest and writer
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. <BR>	-- Wendell Johnson (1906-1965), U.S. speech pathologist
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. <BR>	-- Phyllis Diller, (1917-- ), U.S. comedienne
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you. <BR>	-- Cyril Connolly (1903-1975), English critic/editor
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. <BR>	-- Ernest Hemingway, (1899-1961), U.S. novelist
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. <BR>	-- King George V of Great Britain, (1865-1936)
Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. Go very light on the vices, such as carrying on in society. The social ramble ain't restful. Avoid running at all times. Don't look back. Someone might be gaining on you. <BR>	-- Leroy "Satchel" Paige, Collier's, (13 June 1953)
Be good and you will be lonely. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Be grateful for luck. Pay the thunder no mind -- listen to the birds. And don't hate nobody. <BR>	-- Eubie Blake, (1883-1983), U.S. musician
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. <BR>	-- Scottish Proverb
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. <BR>	-- Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773)
Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end; then stop. <BR>	-- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. <BR>	-- Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854), "Economy"
Blame someone else and get on with your life. <BR>	-- Alan Woods
Borrow trouble for yourself, if that's your nature, but don't lend it to your neighbors. <BR>	-- Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936), English writer
Boys should abstain from all use of wine until after their eighteenth year, for it is wrong to add fire to fire. <BR>	-- Plato, (428-347 B.C.)
Buy land, they're not making it any more. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910), U.S. writer
Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable. <BR>	-- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. humorist
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer. <BR>	-- Bruce Graham
Don't be led astray into the paths of virtue. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
Don't believe the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing -- it was here first. <BR>	-- Robert Burdette
Don't bite the hand that has your allowance in it. <BR>	-- Paul Dickson, U.S. journalist/writer
Don't borrow or lend, but if you must do one, lend. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885)
Don't despair, not even over the fact that you don't despair. <BR>	-- Franz Kafka (1884-1924), Diaries of Franz Kafka, 21 July 1913
Don't do anything you wouldn't be willing to explain on television. <BR>	-- Arjay Miller, Dean of Stanford GSB
Don't ever slam the door; you might want to go back. <BR>	-- Don Herold, (1889-1966), U.S. humorist
Don't jump on a man unless he's down. <BR>	-- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. humorist
Don't stay in bed... unless you can make money in bed. <BR>	-- George Burns (1896-1996), U.S. comedian
Don't stick your tongue out unless you intend to use it. <BR>	-- David Lee Roth, (1954--), U.S. singer
Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
Don't take yourself too seriously. And don't be too serious about not taking yourself too seriously. <BR>	-- Howard Ogden
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third. <BR>	-- Knute Rockne, (1888-1931), U.S. football coach
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. <BR>	-- Will Rogers, (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. <BR>	-- Edward I. Koch, U.S. politician (also attributed to JFK)
Gnaw not thy nails in the presence of others, nor bite them with thy teeth. <BR>	-- Francis Hawkins, 1663
Grow angry slowly -- there's plenty of time. <BR>	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1883), U.S. essayist
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could. <BR>	-- Orson Welles, (1915 - 1985), U.S. actor/director
If called by a panther/Don't anther. <BR>	-- Ogden Nash, (1902-1971), U.S. poet
If it might break, don't go near it. <BR>	-- Herbert Stein, (--1999), U.S. economist
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. <BR>	-- Catherine Aird, (1930--), English novelist
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button. <BR>	-- Sam Levenson (1911-1980), U.S. humorist
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. <BR>	-- Bobcat Goldthwait, U.S. comic
If you want to get on in this world, make many promises, but don't keep them. <BR>	-- Napoleon I, (1769-1821)
If you wish to learn the highest truths, begin with the alphabet. <BR>	-- Japanese proverb
If you're going through hell, keep going. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965), English Prime Minister
If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. <BR>	-- Leo Rosten, (1908-1997), U.S. writer
It seldom pays to be rude. It never pays to be only half-rude. <BR>	-- Norman Douglas (1868-1952), British author
It will not always be summer. Build barns. <BR>	-- Hesiod, (8th century B.C.), Greek poet
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. <BR>	-- Mick Jagger, (1943--), British singer
Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone. <BR>	-- H.F. Henrichs
Know thyself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. <BR>	-- Ann Landers (1918-2002), U.S. advice columnist
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. <BR>	-- P.D. East, 1921-1971), U.S. journalist
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955), U.S. scientist
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey through life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other. <BR>	-- Josh Billings(1815-1885), U.S. humorist
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he offers you candy. <BR>	-- Linda Festa
Never carry your shotgun or your knowledge at half-cock. <BR>	-- Austin O'Malley (1858 - 1932), physician/humorist
Never do anything yourself that others can do for you. <BR>	-- Agatha Christie (1890-1976), mystery writer
Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma. <BR>	-- Bryan Miller
Never fight an inanimate object. <BR>	-- P. J. O'Rourke, (1947--), U.S. humorist
Never floss with a stranger. <BR>	-- Joan Rivers (1939--), U.S. comedienne
Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake. <BR>	-- Elbert Hubbard, (1856-1915), U.S. editor/publisher
Never give up; and never, under any circumstances, no matter what -- never face the facts. <BR>	-- Ruth Gordon (1896-1985), U.S. actress
Never go out with anyone who says he loves you more than his wife or girlfriend. <BR>	-- William Novak
Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter. <BR>	-- Harry Morgan
Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. <BR>	-- Billy Rose, (1899-1966), U.S. entrepreneur and author
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. <BR>	-- G. K. Chesterton (1876-1936), English writer
Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. <BR>	-- Harry S. Truman (1884-1972), U.S. President
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. <BR>	-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), U.S. humorist
Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines. <BR>	-- Satchel Paige (1906-1982), U.S. baseball player
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. <BR>	-- St. Jerome (345-420)
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. <BR>	-- Woodrow Wilson, (1856-1924), U.S. President
Never play cards with a man named Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. <BR>	-- Nelson Algren (1901-1981), Newsweek, July 2, 1956
Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse. <BR>	-- Don Addis (1935--), U.S. editorial cartoonist
Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black mustache. <BR>	-- P. G. Wodehouse (1881-1975), Cocktail Time, 1958
Never say "oops" in the operating room. <BR>	-- Dr. Leo Troy
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. <BR>	-- John Peers
Never take a cross country trip with a kid who has just learned to whistle. <BR>	-- Jean Deuel
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
Never transmit a sexual disease in public. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners
Never trust anybody who says "trust me." Except just this once, of course. <BR>	-- John Varley, (1947--), sci-fi author, Steel Beach
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. <BR>	-- John Kenneth Galbraith, (1908--), U.S. economist
Never wear a backwards baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. <BR>	-- Dan Zevin, Entry- Level Life, 1996
No matter who you are or what you plan to do, learn to type!  <BR>	-- Liz Smith, U.S. gossip columnist
Of all the 36 alternatives, running away is best. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
Of two evils, choose neither. <BR>	-- Charles H. Spurgeon (1834-1892), English Baptist preacher/writer
One should always be a little improbable. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish author
Put your trust in God -- but keep your powder dry. <BR>	--attributed to Oliver Cromwell
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!  <BR>	-- Tommy Smothers, US comedian
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -- and another, in case it doesn't rain. <BR>	-- Mae West (1892-1980), New York Mirror, April 6, 1958
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. <BR>	-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), U.S. humorist
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. <BR>	-- Slovenian Proverb
Suspect everybody, and keep your suspicions to yourself. <BR>	-- Charles Simmons
The best way out is always through. <BR>	-- Robert Frost (1874-1963), US poet
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. <BR>	-- Napoleon Bonaparte, (1769-1821)
The first and greatest commandment is: Don't let them scare you. <BR>	-- Elmer Davis (1890-1958)
The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. <BR>	-- Jeff Foxworthy, (1958--), U.S. comedian
There is one exception to the rule "Never eat at a restaurant called Mom's." If you're in a small town, and the only other place is called Eats -- then go to Mom's. <BR>	-- Carl Waxman
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night. <BR>	-- William Blake (1757-1827)
Try everything in life except incest and square dancing. <BR>	-- George Kaufman, U.S. playwright, in letter to his daughter
Try everything once except incest and folk dancing. <BR>	-- Sir Thomas Beecham (1879-1961), British conductor
Wash your hands often, your feet seldom, and your head never. <BR>	-- John Ray, 1670
We ought never to do wrong when people are looking. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Welcome thy neighbor to thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food. <BR>	-- Dean McLaughlin, U.S. sci-fi author
Whatever advice you give, be short. <BR>	-- Horace (Quintus Horatio Flaccus)(65-8 B.C.), Roman satirist
When you cannot get a compliment by any other way pay yourself one. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. <BR>	-- Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945), US president
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run. <BR>	-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?  <BR>	-- Douglas Woodruff
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?  <BR>	-- Steven Wright, Omni, 1984
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. <BR>	-- Lawrence "Yogi" Berra, Reader's Digest (August 1988)
Africa is God's county, and he can have it. <BR>	-- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian
A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast. <BR>	-- Ed Howe (1853-1937), U.S. humorist
A woman's always younger than a man of equal years. <BR>	-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, (1806-1861), English poetess
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. <BR>	-- Satchel Paige, (1906-1982), U.S. baseball player
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. <BR>	-- Tom Stoppard, (1937--), playwright
Age is not different from earlier life as long as you're sitting down. <BR>	-- Malcolm Crowley, age 80, quoted in Richard Restak's The Mind
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. <BR>	-- Billie Burke, (1884--), U.S. actress
All would live long, but none would be old. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard (September 1749)
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. <BR>	-- Agatha Christie, British mytery writer
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes get longer. <BR>	-- Robert Quillen, U.S. humorist/syndicated writer
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. <BR>	-- Carrie Fisher, (1956--), U.S. actress
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley,(1889-1945), U.S. humorist
Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed. <BR>	-- Anthony Powell, (1905-2000), English novelist
Growing old -- it's not nice, but it's interesting. <BR>	-- August Strindberg, (1849-1912), Swedish writer
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?  <BR>	-- Leroy "Satchel" Paige, (1906-1982), U.S. baseball player
I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it. <BR>	-- Eva Gabor, (1919--), actress
I do wish I could tell you my age but it is impossible. It keeps changing all the time. <BR>	-- Greer Garson, (1904-996)U.S. actress
I prefer to forget both pairs of glasses and pass my declining years saluting strange women and grandfather clocks. <BR>	-- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. poet
I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two even if that does make my sons illegitimate. <BR>	-- Lady Nancy Astor (1879-1964), British politician
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. <BR>	-- Janette Barber
If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. <BR>	-- Eubie [James Herbert] Blake -- 1983
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old. <BR>	-- Ed Howe (1853-1937), U.S. humorist
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. <BR>	-- Jennifer Unlimited.
I'll never make the mistake of being seventy again!  <BR>	-- Casey Stengel, (1890-1975), U.S. baseball manager for NY Mets
Inside every older woman is a young girl wondering what the hell happened. <BR>	-- Cora Harvey Armstrong, U.S. gospel singer
It is well known that the older a man grows, the faster he could run as a boy. <BR>	-- Red Smith (1905-1982), U.S. sportswriter
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. <BR>	-- Calvin
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. <BR>	-- Charles M. Schulz, (1922-2000), U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. <BR>	-- Dan Bennett, U.S. columnist
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is. <BR>	-- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. poet
No wise man ever wished to be younger. <BR>	-- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745), Irish author
Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. <BR>	-- Fred Astaire, (1899-1987), U.S. actor
Old age is no place for sissies. <BR>	-- Bette Davis, (1908-1989), U.S. actress
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. <BR>	-- Maurice Chevalier (1888-1972,), New York Times, 9 October 1960
Old men are only walking hospitals. <BR>	-- Wentworth Dillon (1633-1685), Irish poet
One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is that of Not Going. <BR>	-- J. B. Priestley, (1894-1984), British writer
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles. <BR>	-- Sigmund Z. Engel (1869--)
The hardest people to convince they are at retirement age are children at bedtime. <BR>	-- Shannon Fife
The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70. <BR>	-- U.S. actress Helen Hayes (1900-1993), at age 73.
The idea is to die young as late as possible. <BR>	-- Ashley Montagu (1905-1999), British scientist/writer
The muddle of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it. <BR>	-- Doris Day (1924--), US actress/singer
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. <BR>	-- Lucille Ball, US comedienne (1911-1989)
The young don't know what age is, and the old forget what youth was. <BR>	-- Seumas MacManus, Irish writer
There is still no cure for the common birthday. <BR>	-- John Glenn (1921--), U.S. astronaut/politician
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. <BR>	-- Caryn Leschen, U.S. cartoonist
To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am. <BR>	-- Bernard Baruch (1870-1965), Presidential advisor
When I grow up, I want to be a little boy. <BR>	-- Joseph Heller (1923--), US novelist
When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory. <BR>	-- John Mortimer (1923--), English dramatist/author
You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them. <BR>	-- Harrison Ford (1942--), U.S. actor
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever. <BR>	-- John Greier
Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret. <BR>	-- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), Coningsby, Book III
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. <BR>	-- Herbert Asquith, British prime minister
America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy -- and won't even cross the street to vote in a national election. <BR>	-- Bill Vaughan (1915-1977)
America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top. <BR>	-- Charlie King
America is a mistake, a giant mistake!  <BR>	-- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), psychoanalyst
America is an enormous frosted cupcake in the middle of millions of starving people. <BR>	-- Gloria Steinem, (1934-- ), U.S. activist
America is one long expectoration. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. <BR>	-- Bobcat Goldthwaite, U.S. comedian
America is the best half-educated country in the world. <BR>	-- Nicholas Murray Butler (1862-1947), U.S. educator
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. <BR>	-- George Clemenceau (1841-1929), French politician
Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965), English Prime Minister
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say `elevator', we say `lift'... they say `President', we say `stupid psychopathic git'... <BR>	-- Alexi Sayle, British comedian
Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich. <BR>	-- H.G. Wells (1866-1946), "America"
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley, Benchley -- or Else!
God takes care of fools, drunks, and the United States of America. <BR>	-- Stephen Leacock (1869-1944), Canadian humorist/educator
I am willing to love all mankind, except an American. <BR>	-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), English writer
I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), U.S. President
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. <BR>	-- Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor
In America the geography is sublime, but the men are not; the inventions are excellent, but the inventors one is sometimes ashamed of. <BR>	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1883), U.S. essayist
It is a pity that instead of the Pilgrim Fathers landing on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock had not landed on the Pilgrim Fathers. <BR>	-- Chauncey Depew, U.S. politician
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. <BR>	-- Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. comedienne
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
Of course, America had often been discovered before, but it had always been hushed up. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had been merely detected. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
The 100% American is 99% idiot. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish playwright
The Americans, like the English, probably make love worse than any other race. <BR>	-- Walt Whitman (1819-1892), U.S. poet
The United States never lost a war or won a conference. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
What a pity, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it. <BR>	-- Margot Asquith, wife of British prime minister
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
When good Americans die, they go to Paris; when bad Americans die they go to America. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
A "good" family, it seems, is one that used to be better. <BR>	-- Cleveland Amory, U.S. critic & animal activist
Everyone has something ancestral, even if it is nothing more than a disease. <BR>	-- Ed Howe (1853-1937), U.S. journalist
Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. <BR>	-- John Ciardi (1916-1986), U.S. poet
He that hath no fools, knaves, or beggars in his family was begot by a flash of lightning. <BR>	-- Thomas Fuller, Gnomologra, 1732
He who serves his country well has no need of ancestors. <BR>	-- Voltaire (1694-1778), French author/philosopher
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams (1952-2002), SF author
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. <BR>	-- Tom Snyder
None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married. <BR>	-- Ed Howe (1853-1937), U.S. journalist
Not only is there a skeleton in every closet, but there is a screw loose in every skeleton. <BR>	-- Samuel Butler II (1835-1902)
One of the best things people could do for their descendants would be to sharply limit the number of them. <BR>	-- Olin Miller
Our ancestors are very good kind of folks, but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with. <BR>	-- Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816), The Rivals
The longer I live, the more keenly I feel that whatever was good enough for our fathers is not good enough for me. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with. <BR>	-- Don Marquis (1878-1937), U.S. poet/humorist
Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They just can't buzz any slower. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humorist
Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us the most. <BR>	-- Joseph Wood Krutch (1893-1970), U.S. drama critic/biographer
I confess to you, I could never look long upon a monkey without very mortifying reflections. <BR>	-- William Congreve (1670-1729), Irish poet
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'  <BR>	-- Bruce Baum, U.S. comedian
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. <BR>	-- Jeff Stilson, U.S. comedy writer
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. <BR>	-- Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Social Studies
No one can feel as hopeless as the owner of a sick goldfish. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humorist
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. <BR>	-- Plato (428-347 B.C.), Laws, book vii
Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on earth. Does anybody want mine?  I certainly don't. <BR>	-- Chuck Bonner
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool. <BR>	-- L. M. Boyd
When insects take over the world, we hope they will remember, with gratitude, how we took them along on all our picnics. <BR>	-- Bill Vaughan (1915-1977)
Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun of you. <BR>	-- Elias Canetti (1905-1994),
A dog is a man's best friend. A cat is a cat's best friend. <BR>	-- Robert J. Vogel
A man has to work so hard so that something of his personality stays alive. A tomcat has it so easy, he has only to spray and his presence is there for years on rainy days. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. <BR>	-- Oliver Herford
Cats always know whether people like or dislike them. They do not always care enough to do anything about it. <BR>	-- Winifred Carriere
Cats are a mysterious kind of folk. There is more passing in their minds than we are aware of. It comes no doubt from their being so familiar with warlocks and witches. <BR>	-- Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832, Scottish author
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. <BR>	-- Garrison Keillor (1942--), U.S. writer
Cats are just little hair factories. <BR>	-- James Davis, DVM
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. <BR>	-- Jeff Valdez, Latino writer/producer
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. <BR>	-- John S. Nichols
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. <BR>	-- Joseph Wood Krutch (1893-1970), U.S. drama critic/biographer
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you. <BR>	-- Mary Bly
I don't mind a cat, in its place. But its place is not in the middle of my back at 4 a.m. <BR>	-- Maynard Stoddard
I love cats. I even think we have one at home. <BR>	-- Edward Burlingame
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. <BR>	-- Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947)
If cats could talk, they would lie to you. <BR>	-- Rob Kopack
If cats could talk, they wouldn't. <BR>	-- Nan Porter
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
If only cats grew into kittens. <BR>	-- R. Stern
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. <BR>	-- Bill Dana (October 5, 1924--), U.S. comedian/actor
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. <BR>	-- Jay Leno, (1950--), U.S. talk show host/comedian
Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives. <BR>	-- Stephen Baker, author of How To Live with a Neurotic Cat
Kittens can happen to anyone. <BR>	-- Paul Gallico, (1897-1976), U.S. writer
My cat does not talk as respectfully to me as I do to her. <BR>	-- Colette (1873-1954), French novelist
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. <BR>	-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), U.S. President
Of all the toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled, and it makes a sound when you jump on it. <BR>	-- Stephen Baker, author of How To Live with a Neurotic Cat
One cat just leads to another. <BR>	-- Ernest Hemingway
Researchers in Germany have found a border collie named Rico that can understand more than 200 words. They also discovered a cat that can ignore over 1000 words. <BR>	-- Jay Leno (April 28, 1950--), U.S. comedian/talk show host
Some people lose all respect for a lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people. <BR>	-- Will Cuppy (1884-1949), U.S. humorist/journalist
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. <BR>	-- Doug Larson
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935-- ), Without Feathers, 1975
The only good cat is a stir-fried cat. <BR>	-- Alf, U.S. puppet
To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction -- and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. <BR>	-- Stephen Baker, author of How to Live with a Neurotic Cat
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. <BR>	-- Missy Dizick, U.S. writer
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Maxims for Revolutionists"
When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me?  <BR>	-- Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1580
Where there are no tigers, a wild cat is very self-important. <BR>	-- Korean Proverb
You own a dog; you feed a cat. <BR>	-- Jim Fiebig, NANA
Young normal tigers do not eat people. If eaten by a tiger, you may rest assured that he was abnormal. <BR>	-- Will Cuppy (1884-1949), U.S. humorist/journalist
A dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can't afford to keep a yes-man. <BR>	-- Robertson Davies (1913-1995), Canadian playwright/novelist
A dog is not almost human, and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such. <BR>	-- John Holmes
A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than you love yourself. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley (1889-1945), U.S. humorist
A dog wags its tail with its heart. <BR>	-- Martin Buxbaum
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that is how dogs spend their lives. <BR>	-- Sue Murphy
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. <BR>	-- Martha Scott
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really. <BR>	-- Agnes Sligh Turnbull (1927-1987), U.S. writer
Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of the door. <BR>	-- Charlton Ogburn Jr. (1911-1988), U.S. writer
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends. <BR>	-- Alexander Pope 1688-1744), English poet
I spilled spot remover on my dog -- and now he's gone. <BR>	-- Steven Wright (1955--), U.S. comedian
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. <BR>	-- Andy Rooney (1919-- ), U.S. broadcaster
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, US comedienne
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. <BR>	-- Penny Ward Moser, U.S. magazine writer
Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be. <BR>	-- Holbrook Jackson (1874-1948), English writer/critic
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. <BR>	-- H.W. Shaw (aka Josh Billings), (1815-1885), U.S. humorist
One dog barks at something; the rest bark at him. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. <BR>	-- August Strindberg (1849-1912), Swedish writer
Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. <BR>	-- Corey Ford (1902-1969), U.S. humorist
Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. ("Love me, love my dog.")  <BR>	-- St. Bernard, A.D. 1150, "Sermo Primus"
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job  <BR>	-- Franklin P. Jones (1853-1935), U.S. humorist
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. <BR>	-- Andrew A. Rooney (1919- ), U.S. broadcaster
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. <BR>	-- Warren Bennis, U.S. leadership guru
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor. <BR>	-- Margot Kaufman, American writer
They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation. <BR>	-- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927), British comic writer
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. <BR>	-- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), English novelist
You may have a dog that won't sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she's too stupid to learn how but because she's too smart to bother. <BR>	-- Rick Horowitz, Chicago Tribune
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. <BR>	-- Samuel Butler II (1835-1902)
Do incubator chicks love their mother?  <BR>	-- Arthur Baer (1876-1969), U.S. humorist
God forbid that I should go to any heaven in which there are no horses. <BR>	-- R. B. Cunningham-Graham (1852-1936) in letter to Teddy Roosevelt
Woe to them that... rely on horses. <BR>	-- Isaiah 31:1, 8th century B.C.
I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. <BR>	-- Cyrus Ching (1876-1967), U.S. labor leader/industrialist
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. <BR>	-- Winston S. Churchill (1874-1965), English Prime Minister
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one??  Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?  <BR>	-- Jon Stewart (1962--), U.S. comedian
A snake should not be in your yard unless it has your written permission. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, "Insect Aside"
When you see a snake, never mind where he came from. <BR>	-- W.G. Benham
A portrait is a painting with something wrong about the mouth. <BR>	-- John Singer Sargent (1856-1925), U.S. artist
Art is long, and the talk about it is even longer. <BR>	-- William J. Locke (1863--1930), English novelist
Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses. <BR>	-- Max Aiken, Lord Beaverbrook (1879-1964), Canadian press baron
In my own experience, anyone can paint if he doesn't have to. <BR>	-- Beatrice Lillie (1898-1989), Canadian actress
It does not matter how badly you paint so long as you don't paint badly like other people. <BR>	-- George Moore (1852-1933), Irish author
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea. <BR>	-- John Ciardi (1916-1986), U.S. poet
Rembrandt painted about 700 pictures -- of these, 3000 are in existence. <BR>	-- Wilhelm Bode, German scholar
Sir, when their backsides look good enough to slap, there's nothing more to do. <BR>	-- Peter Paul Rubens (1577-1640), Flemish baroque painter
What is art?  Prostitution. <BR>	-- Charles Baudelaire (1821-1897), French poet
Astrology is a disease, not a science. <BR>	-- Moses Maimonides, Hilboth Tshuvah (Laws of Repentence), ca. 1195
Australia is an outdoor country. People only go indoors to use the toilet, and that's only a recent development. <BR>	-- Barry Humphries (1934--), Australian comedian
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. <BR>	-- Charles Schulz (1922-2000), U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime. <BR>	-- Phyllis McGinley (1905-1978), U.S. poet A hair in the head is worth two in the brush. <BR>	-- Don Herold (1889-1966), U.S. humorist
A man is usually bald four or five years before he knows it. <BR>	-- Ed Howe (1853-1937)
Better a bald head than no head at all. <BR>	-- Austin O'Malley (1858-1932), physician/humorist
Of ten bald men, nine are deceitful and the tenth is stupid. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat. <BR>	-- Don Herold (1889-1966), U.S. humorist
When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them. <BR>	-- John Glenn (1921--), American politican/astronaut
Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people. <BR>	-- Richard Armour (1906-1989), U.S. humorous writer
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?  <BR>	-- Jean Kerr, (1923--), U.S. playwright
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. <BR>	-- John Updike, Confessions of a Wild Bore, (1932--), U.S. novelist
Bores bore each other, too, but it never seems to teach them anything. <BR>	-- Don Marquis (1878-1937), U.S. humorist/poet
My own business always bores me to death. I prefer other people's. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why. <BR>	-- Mignon McLaughlin, U.S. journalist
Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week  <BR>	-- William Dean Howells (1837-1920), U.S. author, editor, and critic
Somebody's boring me. I think it's me. <BR>	-- Dylan Thomas (1914-1953), poet
The universe is becoming a bore. <BR>	-- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946), U.S. essayist/critic
Bravery has no place where it can avail nothing. <BR>	-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), English writer
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?  <BR>	-- Marvin Kitman U.S. TV critic and author
I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. <BR>	-- Edward Morgan Forster (1879-1970), British writer
It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. <BR>	-- Aesop (620?-560? BC), Thracian freed slave & writer
There are only two kinds of Chinese -- those who give bribes and those who take them. <BR>	-- Russian proverb.
City life: millions of people being lonesome together. <BR>	-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862), U.S. philosopher
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. <BR>	-- Fred Allen (1894-1956), letter to Groucho Marx, 12 June 1953
The Bostonians are really, as a race, far inferior in point of anything beyond mere intellect to any other set upon the continent of North America. They are decidedly the most servile imitators of the English it is possible to conceive. <BR>	-- Edgar Allan Poe
When I go abroad, I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from. <BR>	-- Oliver Herford (1863-1935), U.S. poet
How did Buffalo get its start? They cloned Cleveland. <BR>	-- Mark Russell, U.S. humorist
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. <BR>	-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
Hollywood's all right. It's the pictures that are bad. <BR>	-- Orson Welles (1915-1985), U.S. actor
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. <BR>	-- Rex Reed, U.S. movie critic
You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. <BR>	-- Joseph E. Levine (1905--), Hollywood producer
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. <BR>	-- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. <BR>	-- David Letterman, (1947--), U.S. talk show host
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. <BR>	-- Frank Lloyd Wright, (1867-1959) U.S. architect
It's a city where everyone mutinies but no one deserts. <BR>	-- Harry Hershfield, New York Times, 5 December 1965
New York, the nation's thyroid gland. <BR>	-- Christopher Morley (1890-1957), "Shore Leave"
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. <BR>	-- David Letterman (1947--), U.S. talk show host
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. <BR>	-- David Letterman (1947--), U.S. talk show host
New Yorkers are nice about giving you street directions; in fact, they seem quite proud of knowing where they are themselves. <BR>	-- Katherine Brush, U.S. author
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. <BR>	-- David Letterman (1947--), U.S. talk show host
Omaha is a little like Newark -- without Newark's glamour. <BR>	-- Joan Rivers (1939--) U.S. comedienne
Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. <BR>	-- John F. Kennedy, U.S. president
A rich man's joke is always funny. <BR>	-- Thomas Edward Brown (1830-1897), British poet
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. <BR>	-- Steve Martin, (1945--), U.S. comedian
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. <BR>	-- Fred Allen (1894-1956), U.S. comedian
Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. <BR>	-- Irvin S. Cobb (1876-1944), U.S. humorist
Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public. <BR>	-- Tom Walsh
It is difficult not to write satire. <BR>	-- Juvenal (50-130), Roman satirist
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. <BR>	-- Mel Brooks (1926--), U.S. comedian
Committee -- a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. <BR>	-- Milton Berle, (1908-2002), U.S. comedian
I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton, 1874-1936, British author
We trained hard -- but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization."  <BR>	-- Petronius Arbiter, (-66 AD) Roman author
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. <BR>	-- Richard Harkness
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humorist
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. <BR>	-- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. poet
I have the perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it. <BR>	-- Alfred Hitchcock, (1899-1980), film-maker
It takes about a week of treatment to cure a cold, but without treatment it takes about seven days. <BR>	-- Ed Greif
Like everyone else, when I don't know what else to do, I seem to go in for catching colds. <BR>	-- George Jean Nathan, 18821958, U.S. drama critic
There is only one way to treat a cold, and that is with contempt. <BR>	-- Sir William Osler (1849-1919), Canadian physician
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. <BR>	-- Joe Walsh (1947--), U.S. singer
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. <BR>	-- Jane Wagner (1935--), U.S. comedy writer/director
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. <BR>	-- Benny Hill (1924-1992), English comedian
There are some people who knock the pyramids because they don't have elevators. <BR>	-- Jim Ferree (1931--), U.S. golfer
Those who do not complain are never pitied. <BR>	-- Jane Austen (1775-1818), English author
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. <BR>	-- Joseph Campbell (1904-1987), U.S. mythologist
A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs. <BR>	-- Solomon Short (aka David Gerrold, US science-fiction author)
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were dissassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. <BR>	-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. <BR>	-- Rita May Brown (1944-- ), U.S. novelist
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. <BR>	-- Pablo Picasso, (1881-1971), artist
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf. <BR>	-- Sam Ewing, U.S. humorist
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins. <BR>	-- Robert Heinlein, (1907-1988), in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress"
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three. <BR>	-- Alice Kahn (1943--), U.S. writer
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. <BR>	-- Jeff Pesis
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. <BR>	-- Doug Larson
It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods. <BR>	-- Geraldine Ferraro (1935--), U.S. politician
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. <BR>	-- Wernher von Braun, (1912-1977), scientist
Men are like computers: I don't understand them, I just use them for my amusement. <BR>	-- Holly Waits
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either. <BR>	-- Marvin Minsky, father of artificial intelligence
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. <BR>	-- Jack Handey
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. <BR>	-- Nathaniel Borenstein, U.S. software strategist
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim. <BR>	-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. <BR>	-- J. H. Goldfuss
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. <BR>	-- Janet Reno, (1938--), U.S. Attorney General
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. <BR>	-- Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. <BR>	-- Gene Spafford
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. <BR>	-- R. Wilensky
Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!  <BR>	-- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. <BR>	-- Steven Wright, (1955--), U.S. comedian
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken ((1880-1956), U.S. journalist
I feel bad that I don't feel worse. <BR>	-- Michael Frayn (1933--) English dramatist
My conscience aches but it's going to lose the fight. <BR>	-- Allanah Myles, Canadian singer
Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are the dead. <BR>	-- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), English novelist
Constants aren't. <BR>	-- John Peers
I may have said the same thing before... But my explanation, I am sure, will always be different. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
If anyone accuses me of contradicting myself, I reply: because I have been wrong once, or several times, I don't intend to be wrong forever. <BR>	-- Luc de Clapiers Vauvenargues (1715-1747)
Inconsistency is the only thing in which men are consistent. <BR>	-- Horatio Smith (1779-1849), English humorist
A critic is a legless man who teaches running. <BR>	-- Channing Pollack, The Green Book
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. <BR>	-- Kenneth Tynan, British theatre critic
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. <BR>	-- Frieda Norris.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. <BR>	-- Brendan Behan (1923-1964), Irish writer
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. <BR>	-- Franklin P. Jones
I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise. <BR>	-- Noel Coward (1899-1973), English playright/actor
I much prefer a compliment, insincere or not, to sincere criticism. <BR>	-- Plautus (254-184 B.C.), comic Roman playwright
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. <BR>	-- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), British politician
To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. <BR>	-- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915), U.S. editor/publisher
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. <BR>	-- George Carlin (1937--), U.S. comedian
Many a man's profanity has saved him from a nervous breakdown. <BR>	-- Henry S. Haskins
Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. <BR>	-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
They also swear who only stand and wait. <BR>	-- Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
A child be within you forever unborn!  <BR>	-- Irish curse
A donkey shall violate him, a donkey shall violate his wife (Deir el-Bahri Graffito No. 11, Dyn. 20) (What will happen to he who damages that Egyptian memorial.)
As many years as hes walked on his feet, let him walk on his hands, and for the rest of the time he should crawl along on his ass. <BR>	-- Yiddish curse
I curse their head and all hairs of their head. I curse their face, their eyes, their mouth, their nose, their tongue, their teeth, their shoulders, their back, and their heart, their arms, their legs, their hands, their feet, and every part of their body from the top of their head to the soles of their feet, before and behind, within and without... I curse them walking, and I curse them riding. I curse them eating, and I curse them drinking. I curse them within the house, and I curse them without the house. I curse their wives, their bairns, and their servants... I curse their cattle, their wool, their sheep, their horses, their swine, their geese, and their hens. I curse their halls, their chambers, their stables, and their barns... Curse on the English read by Scots priests on the closing of their religious houses ca. 1530.
He should give it all away to doctors. <BR>	-- Yiddish curse
He should have a large store, and whatever people ask for he shouldnt have, and what he does have shouldnt be requested. <BR>	-- Yiddish curse
Leeches should drink him dry. <BR>	-- Yiddish curse
Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. <BR>	-- Psalms 109:9
Let onions grow in his navel!  <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
Let their way be dark and slippery. <BR>	-- Psalms 35:6
May a rabbit butt you to death!  <BR>	-- Lithuanian curse
May every day of it be wet for ye. <BR>	-- Saint Patrick of Oreland
May he need a prescription!  <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
May his buttocks drop off!  <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
May his stomach churn like a music box. <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
May she marry a ghost and bear him a kitten, and may the high king of glory permit it to get mange. <BR>	-- Irish curse
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope. <BR>	-- Irish curse
May the devil take him by the heels and shake him. <BR>	-- Irish curse
May the fleas of a thousand camels lodge in your armpit. <BR>	-- Arab curse
May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread nor drink whisky, but be tormented with itching without benefit of scratching. <BR>	-- Irish toast
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. <BR>	--from an old Irish curse
May you have a lawsuit in which you know you are in the right. <BR>	-- Gypsy curse
May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket. <BR>	-- Arab curse
May your life be filled with lawyers!  <BR>	-- Mexican curse
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well dance with it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish playwright
No sane man will dance. <BR>	-- Marcus Tullius Cicero (160-43 B.C.), Roman philosopher
Account ye no man happy till he die. <BR>	-- Euripedes, (ca. 496-406), Greek dramatist
Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness. <BR>	-- Henry Gibson, (1935--), U.S. comedian
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), British novelist
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. <BR>	-- J.J. Furnas
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. <BR>	-- Rush Limbaugh, (1951--), U.S. conservative
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.. <BR>	-- R. Geis
Death takes no bribes. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard (July, 1742)
Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Don't die. <BR>	-- William Gaines, (1922-1992), U.S. publisher of MAD magazine
Dying is not everything: you have to die in time. <BR>	-- Jean-Paul Sartre
Every morning I read the obits in The Times. If I'm not there, I carry on. <BR>	-- A.E. Mathews, (1869-1960), English actor
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. <BR>	-- Johnny Carson, (1925--), U.S. talk show host
Glorious Destinies get you Glorious Funerals. <BR>	-- Mercedes Lackey, Winds of Fury, 8/93
I am one of those unfortunates to whom death is less hideous than explanations. <BR>	-- D.B. Wyndham-Lewis
I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965 ), English politician
I cannot forgive my friends for dying: I do not find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing. <BR>	-- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946), All Trivia, 1949
I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. <BR>	-- Stephen Leacock (1869-1944), Literary Lapses, 1910
If fame is only to come after death, I am in no hurry for it. <BR>	-- Martial (43-104), Roman epigrammatic poet
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. <BR>	-- R. Geis
Let us hope that when we are dead things will be better arranged. <BR>	-- Marcel Proust (1871-1922)
My prayer to the Lord every day, is this -- I have been a great sinner. I do not deserve Heaven. Let me stay here. <BR>	-- Andres Segovia (1894-1987), classical guitarist
No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death. <BR>	-- William Burroughs (1914--), U.S. writer
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. <BR>	--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. film-maker
One can survive anything nowadays, except death. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900)
One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. <BR>	-- Roy L. Schaefer
Only the young die good. <BR>	-- Oliver Herford (1863-1935), U.S. poet
People born to be hanged are safe on water. <BR>	-- Mark Twain's mother
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
The shortness of life, so often lamented, may be the best thing about it. <BR>	-- Arthur Schopenhauer, (1788-1860), German philosopher
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me -- I quit."  <BR>	--Bill Maher, on Politically Incorrect, 1995
The thought of suicide is a great comfort. It's helped me through many a bad night. <BR>	-- Friedrich Nietzche, (1884-1900), German philospher
There are so many ways of us dying it's astonishing any of us choose old age. <BR>	-- Beryl Bainbridge, (1934--), English novelist
To die and to lose one's life are much the same thing. <BR>	-- Irish proverb
To have died once is enough. <BR>	-- Virgil (70-19 B.C.), Roman poet
We die only once, and for such a long time!  <BR>	-- Moliere (1622-1673), French playwright
We don't know life: how can we know death?  <BR>	-- Confucius (551-478 B.C.), Chinese philosopher
When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything. <BR>	-- Mitch Berg
When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts, you can be sure you're dead. <BR>	-- Herbert Achternbusch, (1938--), German writer/filmmaker
Where there's a will, there's a dead person. <BR>	-- Ronnie Shakes, late U.S. comedian
You can't take it with you. You never see a U-Haul following a hearse. <BR>	-- Ellen Glasgow (1874-1945), U.S. writer
All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive. <BR>	-- Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773), 1769
I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister. <BR>	-- Jessica Mitford (1917- ), Saturday Review, 1 February 1964
There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating. <BR>	-- Alfred Hitchcock, (1899-1980), U.S. film-maker
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935- ), U.S. comedian/director
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. <BR>	-- Steven Wright, U.S. comedian
Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first. <BR>	-- Bill Cosby, Time Flies
Life is pleasant and I have enjoyed it, but I have no yearning to clutter up the Universe after it is over. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken, Greatest Thoughts on Immortality, page 116
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. <BR>	-- Susan Ertz, Anger in the Sky
If Senator Donovan can get resurrection into the death penalty, I might be willing to give it a second look. <BR>	-- N.Y. Governor Hugh Carey
If we are not our brother's keeper, let us at least not be his executioner. <BR>	-- Marlon Brando, U.S. actor
So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private citizens will occasionally kill theirs. <BR>	-- Elbert Hubbard, (1856-1915), U.S. editor/publisher
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. <BR>	-- Brendan Behan, (1923-1964), Irish writer
Where would Christianity be if Jesus got 8 to 15 years with time off for good behavior?  <BR>	-- N.Y. State Senator James H. Donovan
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. <BR>	-- David Lloyd George, (1863-1945), English politician
I'll give you a definite maybe. <BR>	-- Samuel Goldwyn (1884-1974), U.S. film producer
Indecision may, or may not, be my problem. <BR>	-- Jimmy Buffett, U.S. singer
Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision. <BR>	-- Oscar Levant (1906--), U.S. TV personality
The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn. <BR>	-- David Russell
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. <BR>	-- Aneurin Bevan (1897-1960), Observer (9 December 1953)
We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. <BR>	-- Lester B. Pearson (1897-1972), Canadian prime minister
Dentopedology is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it. I've been practicing it for years. <BR>	-- Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (1921-), on 10 June 1960
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. <BR>	-- Robin Williams, (1952--), U.S. actor
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. <BR>	-- Louis Saffan
Divorces are made in heaven. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish playwright
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, (1918--),actress
I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood. <BR>	-- Carolyn Green
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. <BR>	-- Lewis Grizzard, (1947-1994), U.S. humorist
I think if people marry it ought to be for life; the laws are altogether too lenient with them. <BR>	-- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. humorist
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. <BR>	-- Elayne Boosler, U.S. comedienne
It is better to have loved and lost, but only if you have a good lawyer. <BR>	-- Herb Caen, U.S. journalist, 1983
Old wives don't die if they're getting alimony. <BR>	-- David Brown
One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas. <BR>	-- Robert Byrne
Open marriage is nature's way of telling you you need a divorce. <BR>	-- Marshall Brickman, (1941--), U.S. TV & film writer
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. <BR>	-- Johnny Carson, U.S. talk show host
When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones. <BR>	-- Peter De Vries (1910--), U.S. writer
Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"  <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry. <BR>	-- Ecclesiastes 10:19
A drink a day keeps the shrink away. <BR>	-- Edward Abbey, 1927-1989, U.S. writer
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone. <BR>	-- Craig Kilborn
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. <BR>	-- Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. <BR>	-- George Burns, (1896-1996), U.S. comedian
Although man is already ninety percent water, the Prohibitionists are not yet satisfied. <BR>	-- John Kendrick Bangs, (1862-1922), writer
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of a snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake. <BR>	-- W.C. Fields (1880-1946), U.S. comedian
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965 ), English politician
American beer is a lot like making love in a row boat -- It's f**king close to water!  <BR>	-- Eric Idle (1943--), English comedian
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. <BR>	-- Dylan Thomas (1914-1953), poet
Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian. <BR>	-- Herman Melville, (1819-1891), U.S. novelist
Bibamus, moriendum est. (Let's drink, death is inevitable.)  <BR>	-- Seneca the Elder (ca. 55 B.C.-37 A.D.)
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question. <BR>	-- Henry Mon
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. <BR>	-- Steve Allen, (1920-2000), U.S. writer/performer
Drink wine and have the gout; drink none and have the gout. <BR>	-- Thomas Cogan (1545?-1607), English medical writer
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley (1989-1945), U.S. humorist
Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart. <BR>	-- Ecclesiastes 9:7
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living. <BR>	-- Jean Kerr (1923--), U.S. playwright
For a Cannibal Martini, take 1/3 vermouth, 2/3 gin, and into this drop a small girl named Olive. <BR>	-- Fred Allen (1894-1956), U.S. comedian
Frenchmen drink wine just like we used to drink water before the Prohibition. <BR>	-- Ring Lardner Sr., (1885-1933), U.S. author
Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!  <BR>	-- Bill Owen
Habitual teetotalers. There should be asylums for such people. But they would probably relapse into teetotalism as soon as they came out. <BR>	-- Samuel Butler
Heaven sent us soda water as a torment for our crimes. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
I do not drink more than a sponge. <BR>	-- Francois Rabelais (1494-1553), Works, Book i, chapter 5
I don't have a drink problem except when I can't get one. <BR>	-- Tom Waits, 1979, U.S. singer
I drink to make other people interesting. <BR>	-- George Jean Nathan, (1882-1958), U.S. drama critic
I drink when I have occasion for it, and sometimes when I have not. <BR>	-- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616), Spanish novelist
I have never been drunk, but I've often been overserved. <BR>	-- George Gobel(1919-1991), U.S. comedian
If die I must, let me die drinking in an inn. <BR>	-- Walter Mapes, 1200
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. <BR>	-- David Daye
If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim. <BR>	-- Joe E. Louis, (1914-1981), U.S. comedian
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. <BR>	-- Dean Martin, (1917-1995), U.S. singer
I'm a prohibitionist. What I propose to prohibit is the reckless use of water. <BR>	-- Bob Edwards
In the order named these are the hardest to control: Wine, Women, and Song. <BR>	-- Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960), U.S. humorist
I've formed a new group called Alcoholics Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you. <BR>	-- Richard Harris, (1933--), Irish actor
I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to refuse a drink after dark. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken, (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. <BR>	-- Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. <BR>	-- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WA
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim. <BR>	-- Ann Landers, (1918--), U.S. advice columnist
Religions change; beer and wine remain. <BR>	-- Hervey Allen, Anthony Adverse
Sometimes too much drink is barely enough. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings. <BR>	-- Arthur Lewis
The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law. <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
There are more old drunkards than old doctors. <BR>	-- French proverb
There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. <BR>	-- John Ciardi (1916-1986), Saturday Review, 1966
They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them. <BR>	-- Artemus Ward (1834-1867), "Moses the Sassy"
They talk of my drinking but never my thirst. <BR>	-- Scottish proverb
Two reasons for drinking: one is, when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it. <BR>	-- Thomas Love Peacock, (1785-1866), poet
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others. <BR>	-- Diogenes the Cynic, 4th cen. B.C. Greek philosopher
What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. <BR>	-- Irish proverb
When there is no wine there is no love. <BR>	-- Euripedes (ca. 496-406), Greek dramatist
Whiskey and vermouth cannot meet as friends, and the Manhattan is an offense against piety. <BR>	-- Bernard De Voto (1897-1956), U.S. historian/critic
Why is American beer served cold?  So you can tell it from urine. <BR>	-- David Moulton
Wine is bottled poetry. <BR>	-- Robert Louis Stevenson (1854-1894), English author
Wine maketh glad the heart of man. <BR>	-- Psalms: 104:15
Wine, which cheereth God and man. <BR>	-- Judges 9:13
Work is the curse of the drinking class. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish playwright
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float. <BR>	-- John Barrymore, (1882-1942), U.S. actor
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. <BR>	-- Peter De Vries (1910--), U.S. writer
Drive slow and enjoy the scenery -- drive fast and join the scenery. <BR>	-- Doug Horton, SF author
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately?  I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. <BR>	-- Russell Baker, (1925-- ), U.S. columnist
Life is too short for traffic. <BR>	-- Dan Bellack
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. <BR>	-- Lewis Mumford, (1895-1990), U.S. writer
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. <BR>	-- Dudley Moore, (1935-2002), English actor
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. <BR>	-- Robin Williams, U.S. comedian
Coke isn't habit-forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. <BR>	-- Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968), U.S. actress
Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison. <BR>	-- John Hardwick
Drugs. I can take them or leave them. But they're much more effective when I take them. <BR>	-- Ronnie Shakes, late U.S. comedian
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. <BR>	-- Johnathan Katz
I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example. <BR>	-- Mick Miller, British comedian
I've never had any problems with drugs, only with policemen. <BR>	-- Keith Richardson
Curse the blasted jelly-boned swines, the slimy belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied pulseless lot that make up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed... <BR>	--D.H. Lawrence (1885-1930)
"English cooking?  You just put things into boiling water and then take them out again after a long while!"  <BR>	-- an anonymous French chef
Even today, well-brought up English girls are taught to boil all vegetables for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests comes without his teeth!  <BR>	-- Calvin Trillin, (1935--), U.S. verse columnist
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. <BR>	-- Duncan Spaeth, Princeton professor
If the British can survive their meals, they can survive anything. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
In all the four corners of the earth one of these three names is given to him who steals from his neighbor: brigand, robber or Englishman  <BR>	-- Les Triades de l'Anglais, 1572
In dealing with Englishmen, you can be sure of one thing only, that the logical solution will not be adopted. <BR>	-- William R. Inge (1860-1954), Dean of St. Paul's
It is cowardly to commit suicide. The English often kill themselves -- it is a malady caused by the humid climate. <BR>	-- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast -- even the English can't do it!  <BR>	-- J K Galbraith, (1908--), U.S. economist
London is full of fogs -- and serious people. Whether the fogs produce the serious people or whether the serious people produce the fogs, I don't know, but the whole thing rather gets on my nerves. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900)
The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm. <BR>	-- Alexander Woolcott (1887-1943)
The English have no exalted sentiments. They can all be bought. <BR>	-- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it. <BR>	-- James Agate (1877- )
The Englishman has all the qualities of a poker except its occasional warmth. <BR>	--attributed to Daniel O'Connell (1775-1847)
The typical Englishman is a strong being who takes a cold bath in the morning and talks about it for the rest of the day. <BR>	-- Ellen Cicely Wilkinson (1891-1947)
There are in England sixty different religious sects and only one sauce. <BR>	-- Caracciolo (died 1641)
Though I love my country, I do not love my countrymen. <BR>	-- George Gordon Bryan (1788-1824), English poet
When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London. <BR>	-- Bette Midler, The Times, 1978
You must look out in Britain that you are not cheated by the charioteers. <BR>	-- Marcus Tullius Cicero (160-43 B.C.), Roman orator and philosopher
Earth-- God's golf ball. <BR>	--Captain Beefheart, U.S. singer/artist
Extinct is forever. <BR>	-- Kurt Benirschke, U.S. scientist
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. <BR>	-- Dan Quayle, (1947--), U.S. vice-president
Man is a complex being; he makes deserts bloom -- and lakes die. <BR>	-- Gil Stern
Remember, this planet is also disposable. <BR>	-- Paul Palmer
The environment is everything that isn't me. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein,(1879-1955), scientist
There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?  <BR>	-- Lee Iacocca, (1924--), U.S. businessman
What's the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?  <BR>	-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham, (1874-1965), British novelist
An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward. <BR>	-- Austin O'Malley, (1858 - 1932) , physician/humorist
Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles. <BR>	-- George Mikes, (1912-1987), Hungarian humorist
English physicians kill you, the French let you die. <BR>	-- Lord Melbourne, William Lamb (1779-1848)
Frustrate a Frenchman, he will drink himself to death; an Irishman, he will die of angry hypertension; a Dane, he will shoot himself; an American, he will get drunk, shoot you, then establish a million dollar aid program for your relatives. Then he will die of an ulcer. <BR>	-- Dr. Stanley Rudin, New York Times (Aug. 22, 1963)
Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car. <BR>	-- Bill Bryson, (1951--), U.S. travel writer
If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein, address at the Sorbonne
In America only the successful writer is important; in France all writers are important; in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is. <BR>	-- Geoffrey Cottrell, New York Journal-American, Sept. 22, 1961.
In England I would rather be a man, a horse, a dog or a woman, in that order. In American I would think the order would be reversed. <BR>	-- Bruce Gould
On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners. <BR>	-- George Mikes, (1912-1987), Hungarian writer and humorist
The English are proud; the French are vain. <BR>	-- Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778)
The French are wiser than they seem, and the Spaniards seem wiser than they are. <BR>	-- Francis Bacon, Essays, "Of Seeing Wise."
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time -- pills or stairs. <BR>	-- Joan Welsh
I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street. <BR>	-- U.S. astronaut Neil Armstrong on jogging
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise. <BR>	-- Chauncey Depew, (1834-1928), U.S. politician
I don't jog, if I die I want to be sick. <BR>	-- Abe Lemons, U.S. basketball coach
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. <BR>	-- Carol Leifer, (1956--), U.S. comedienne
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. <BR>	-- Erma Bombeck, (1927-1996), U.S. humorist
Muscles come and go; flab lasts. <BR>	-- Bill Vaughan (1915-1977)
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. <BR>	-- Franklin Jones, (1853-1935)
What do you call a cyclist who doesn't wear a helmet?  An organ donor. <BR>	--David Perry
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. <BR>	-- Franklin P. Jones
Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse!  <BR>	-- Derwood Fincher
If you can learn from hard knocks, you can also learn from soft touches. <BR>	-- Carolyn Kenmore, Mannequin: My Life as a Model
There's no fool like an old fool -- you can't beat experience. <BR>	-- Jacob Braude
There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply. <BR>	-- Josh Billings, Josh Billings, His Works Complete
96.37% of all statistics are made up. <BR>	-- Kevin D. Quitt
Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin. <BR>	-- John Von Neumann (1903-1957), German-born mathematics genius
Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet. <BR>	-- U.S. Labor Secretary Robert Reich [4' 10" tall], born 1946. 	   (US basketball star Shaquille ONeal is 71 tall.)
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. <BR>	-- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908--), U.S. economist
Figure won't lie, but liars will figure. <BR>	-- Gen. Charles H. Grosvenor (1833-1917), 	   Ohio Representative, nicknamed "Old Figgers"
I can prove anything by statistics -- except the truth. <BR>	-- George Canning (1770-1827), British politician
I do not regard a broker as a member of the human race. <BR>	-- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850), French novelist
I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name. <BR>	-- Paula Poundstone (1959--), U.S. comedienne
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was able to reason. <BR>	-- Plato (428-347 B.C.), The Republic, ca. 370 B.C.
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. <BR>	-- Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
It is now proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. <BR>	-- Fletcher Knebel (Charles Waldo Bailey, really), (1903--)
Life is too short to balance a checkbook. <BR>	-- Howard Ogden
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. <BR>	-- Samuel McChord Crothers, (1879-1927), U.S. minister
There are only two kinds of people who predict the [stock] market on a day-to-day basis. Those who don't know and those who don't know they don't know. <BR>	-- Robert Reich [1946-- ], U.S. Labor Secretary
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. <BR>	--attributed to Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), British politician
There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up. <BR>	-- Rex Stout, (1896-1975), U.S. mystery writer
Father and son are natural enemies and each is happier and more secure in keeping it that way. <BR>	-- John Steinbeck (1902-1968), U.S. novelist
No man is responsible for his father; that is entirely his mother's affair. <BR>	-- Margaret Turnbull, Alabaster Lamps
A man's tie should never be louder than his wife. <BR>	-- John Hughes
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. <BR>	-- Sue Grafton (1940--), U.S. mystery writer
It's bad manners to apply cosmetics in public. It reminds people that you need them. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners
Never wear anything that panics the cat. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke, (1947--), U.S. humorist
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?  <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport. <BR>	-- George Winters
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. <BR>	-- Mel Brooks (1926--), U.S. comedian
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams (1952-2002), British SF writer
A cucumber should be well sliced and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing. <BR>	-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), Oct. 5, 1773
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch. <BR>	-- Hermione Gingold, (1897-1987), British actress
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. <BR>	-- Tom Wilson, U.S. cartoonist, "Ziggy"
All the vitamins needed seem to be found in plebian dishes. <BR>	-- William Feather(1889-1981), U.S. author/publisher
Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts. <BR>	-- Charles Lamb (1775-1834), English poet
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Cheese. The adult form of milk. <BR>	-- Richard Condon (1915-1996), U.S. novelist, A Talent For Loving, 1961
Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. <BR>	-- Clifton Fadiman, Any Number Can Play, 1957
Coffee isn't my cup of tea. <BR>	--attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (1884-1974), Hollywood movie producer
Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon, or not all. <BR>	-- Harriet Van Horne (1920--), U.S. columnist
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. <BR>	-- Steve Burns
Food is an important part of a balanced diet. <BR>	-- Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Metropolitan Life, 1978.
Happiness for me is largely a matter of digestion. <BR>	-- Lin Yutang (1895-1976), Chinese-American writer
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.-- Katherine Cebrian
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. <BR>	-- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938), U.S. attorney
I don't like to eat snails. I prefer fast food. <BR>	-- Strange de Jim
I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce... I thought he was missing. <BR>	-- Bob Saget, U.S. comedian
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating. <BR>	-- Tommy John (1943--), U.S. baseball player
I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. <BR>	-- Jennifer Greene Duncan
I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short. <BR>	-- Shelley Winters (1920--), U.S. actress
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. <BR>	-- Totie Fields (-1978), U.S. comedienne
Licorice is the liver of candy. <BR>	-- Michael O'Donoghue (1942-1994), U.S. comedy writer
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. <BR>	-- Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist, Superwoman, 1975.
Lips, however rosy, must be fed. <BR>	-- Scottish proverb
My favorite animal is steak. <BR>	-- Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. <BR>	-- Orson Welles, (1915 - 1985), U.S. actor
Never eat more than you can lift. <BR>	-- Miss Piggy's Guide to Life as told to Henry Beard
Obesity is really widespread. <BR>	-- Joseph O. Kern II
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. <BR>	-- Alex Levine
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936), English writer
Research tells us that 14 out of any 10 individuals like chocolate. <BR>	-- Sandra Boynton, Chocolate: The Consuming Passion
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. <BR>	-- James Thurber (1894-1961), U.S. humorist
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn. <BR>	-- Garrison Keillor, (1942--), U.S. writer
Soup and fish explain half the emotions of life. <BR>	-- Sydney Smith (1771-1845), English clergyman/writer
Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive. <BR>	-- Wallace Irwin (1876-1959), U.S. editor/author
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. <BR>	-- Jackie Gleason (1916-1987), U.S. comedian
There is no sincerer love than the love of food. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish playwright
To eat is human; to digest, divine. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910) (also attributed to Charles Townsend Copeland)
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. <BR>	-- Jim Davis, "Garfield" comic strip
What's sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey, or the guinea hen. <BR>	-- The Alice B. Toklas Cook Book, 1954
Where do you go to get anorexia?  <BR>	-- Shelley Winters, (1920--), U.S. actress
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner. <BR>	-- Lynda Montgomery
You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me. <BR>	-- C.S. Lewis, (1898-1963), English author
France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands, but you can't tear the toilet paper. <BR>	-- Billy Wilder, (1906-2002), Hollywood director
How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheeses?  <BR>	-- Charles De Gaulle, 1890-1970), president of France
If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English. <BR>	-- Wilfred Sheed (1920--), U.S. writer
The trouble with the French is that they sit around twenty-four hours a day talking French. <BR>	-- Monty Wooley, (1888-1963), actor
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided. <BR>	-- Lord Samuel, English liberal politician (1870 - 1963)
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. <BR>	-- Fr. Jerome Cummings
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. <BR>	-- Walter Winchell (1897-1972), U.S. gossip columnist
A true friend stabs you in the front. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish writer
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. <BR>	-- Kehlog Albran
Friends are God's apology for relatives. <BR>	-- Hugh Kingsmill (1889-1949), British biographer/poet
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. <BR>	-- Thomas F. Jones (1916-1981), president of the University 	   of South Carolina, in Wall Street Journal, 1975.
God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends. <BR>	-- Addison Mizner (1872-1933), The Cynic's Calendar, p. 1.
God save me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies. <BR>	-- English proverb, ca. 1477
I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. <BR>	-- Plutarch (46-120), Greek priest & writer
I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel. <BR>	-- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946), U.S. essayist/critic
If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world. <BR>	-- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French mathmatician/scientist
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. <BR>	-- R. A. Dickson
My best friend would be the man who blew my brains out with a pistol. <BR>	-- Edgar Allan Poe (1804-1849), U.S. author
My friends!  There are no friends. <BR>	-- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.), Greek philosopher
Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that. <BR>	-- Robert C. Edwards
One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. <BR>	-- Heinrich Heine (1797-1856), German poet
Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. <BR>	-- Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor
These can never be true friends: hope, dice, a prostitute, a robber, a cheat, a goldsmith, a monkey, a doctor, and a distiller. <BR>	-- Hindu proverb
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been hanged first. <BR>	-- Heinrich Heine (1797-1856), German poet
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies. <BR>	-- Gore Vidal (1925--) in New York Times (Feb. 4, 1973)
Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you. <BR>	-- Elbert Hubbard U.S. editor/publisher
I have seen the future and it doesn't work. <BR>	-- Robert Fulford, Canadian journalist
I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach. <BR>	-- Bill Muse, U.S. humorist
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future. <BR>	-- Yogi Berra (1925--), U.S. baseball player
The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. <BR>	-- Dean Acheson (1893-1971), U.S. politician
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. <BR>	-- Paul Valery (1871-1945), French poet/essayist
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one. <BR>	-- Arthur J. Clarke
A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. <BR>	-- Lilian Day, Kiss and Tell
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a big unchivalrous. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley (1889-1945), U.S. humorist
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but take what they can get. <BR>	-- Don Herold (1889-1966), U.S. humorist
Gentlemen prefer blondes. <BR>	-- Anita Loos (1893-1981), U.S. screenwriter
Gentlemen prefer bonds. <BR>	-- Andrew Mellon (1921-1932), U.S. industrialist
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. <BR>	-- Mamie Van Doren, (1931--), U.S. actress
Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), The Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989
I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. <BR>	-- Bette Midler (1945--), U.S. entertainer
Life is too short to learn German. <BR>	-- Richard Porson (1759-1808), English classical scholar
The Germans are like women. You can scarcely ever fathom their depths -- they haven't any. <BR>	-- Friedrich Nietzshe, Ecce Homo, German philosopher
The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest. <BR>	-- Clifton Fadiman, U.S. writer
The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law. <BR>	-- Alex Levin
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke "Holidays in Hell"
I don't believe in ghosts, but I've been afraid of them all my life. <BR>	-- Charles A. Dana (1819-1897), U.S. journalist
I hate to spread rumors -- but what else can one do with them. <BR>	-- Amanda Lear, model/singer, in 1978 interview
Some people will believe anything if it is whispered to them. <BR>	-- Pierre de Miramax
There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. <BR>	-- Cyril Connolly (1903-1975), English critic/editor
A good statue can be rolled downhill without damage. <BR>	-- Michaelangelo (1475-1564), Italian sculptor/painter
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. <BR>	-- George Carlin (1937-- ), U.S. comedian
Good taste is the excuse I've always given for leading such a bad life. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
I am a deeply superficial person. <BR>	-- Andy Warhol (1928-1987), U.S. artist
I am only an average man, but, by George, I work at it harder than the average man. <BR>	-- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), U.S. president
I can resist everything except temptation. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. <BR>	-- Flannery O'Connor, (1925-1964), U.S. author
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
I have simple tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered a lot more if I had been understood. <BR>	-- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938), US attorney
 I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, (ca. 1918--), actress
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter. <BR>	-- Drew Carey, (1958--), U.S. comedian
I would have made a good Pope. <BR>	-- Richard M. Nixon, US President (1913-1994)
If I was two-faced, would I be using this one?  <BR>	-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), US President
I'm a fat anorexic. <BR>	-- Kiri Te Kanawa (1948--), Maori soprano
It is a cursed evil to any man to become so absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. <BR>	-- Charles Darwin (1809-1882), British scientist
I've been on a calendar, but never on time. <BR>	-- Marilyn Monroe, Look, 16 January 1962, US actress
Merely as an observer of natural phenomena, I am fascinated by my own personal appearance. This doesn't mean that I am pleased with it, mind you, or that I can even tolerate it. I simply have a morbid interest in it. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley (1889-1945), US humorist
My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments. <BR>	-- John Barrymore, (1882-1942), U.S. actor
People don't know my real self and they're not about to find out. <BR>	-- Yul Brynner (1920-1985), movie actor
The trouble with me is I can't worry. Damn it, I try to worry, and I can't. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley (1889-1945), US humorist
There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed. <BR>	-- Peter Sellers, Time, 1980, British movie actor
To be a great champion, you must believe you are the best. If you're not, pretend you are. <BR>	-- Mohammed Ali, (1942--), U.S. boxer
We are all worms, but I do believe that I am a glow-worm. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965 ), English politician
We've all been blessed with God-given talents. Mine just happens to be beating people up. <BR>	-- Sugar Ray Leonard, (1956--), U.S. boxer
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. <BR>	-- Boris Yeltsin, (1931--), Russian politician
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. <BR>	-- Hector Berlioz (1803-1869), French composer
Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson. <BR>	-- Vernon Law, U.S. baseball player
It is easy to assume a habit; but when you try to cast it off, it will take skin and all. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), British novelist
All the historical books which contain no lies are extremely tedious. <BR>	-- Anatole France (1844-1924) "The Crime of Sylvestis Bonnard"
God cannot alter the past, though historians can. <BR>	-- Samuel Butler, "Prose Observations"
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them. <BR>	-- Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910), Russian novelist
History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club. <BR>	-- John W. Campbell (1910-1971), American writer and editor
History repeats itself, and that's one of the things that's wrong with history. <BR>	-- Clarence Darrow (1857-1938), U.S. attorney
History is bunk. <BR>	-- Henry Ford (1863-1947), U.S. industrialist
History: gossip well told. <BR>	-- Elbert Hubbard, The Roycroft Dictionary
History is the sum total of the things that could have been avoided. <BR>	-- Konrad Adenauer (1876-1967), West German chancellor
History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other. <BR>	-- Philip Guedalla (1889-1944), "Supers and Supermen."
It's futile to talk much about the past -- something like trying to make birth control retroactive. <BR>	-- Charles E. Wilson, (1890-1961), U.S. Secretary of Defense
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. <BR>	-- Ovid (43 B.C.-17 A.D.), Roman poet
The British never remember it, the Irish never forget it, the Russians never make it, and the Americans never learn from it. <BR>	-- Bishop Fulton J. Sheen (1895-1979), Catholic archbishop, on history
The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here. <BR>	-- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. humorist
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Those who don't study the past will repeat its errors. Those who do study it will find some other ways to err. <BR>	-- Charles Wolf Jr., U.S. economist
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history. <BR>	-- George Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831), German philosopher
A guy who'd cheat on his wife would cheat at cards. <BR>	-- Texas Guinan (1878-1933), U.S. bartender
A gypsy tells the truth once in his life, and immediately repents. <BR>	-- Russian proverb
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete/Successfully in business. Cheat. <BR>	-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
Every man has the right to utter what he thinks truth, and every other man has a right to knock him down for it. <BR>	-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), English author
Honesty is praised and starves. <BR>	-- Juvenal (50-130), Roman satirist
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. <BR>	-- Steve Landesberg (1945--), U.S. comedian
I can't tell a lie -- not even when I hear one. <BR>	-- John Kendrick Bangs (1862-1922), writer
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. <BR>	-- Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. filmmaker
If all mankind were suddenly to practice honesty, many thousands of people would be sure to starve. <BR>	-- Georg G. Lichtenberg (1742-1799), German writer
If one cannot invent a really convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth. <BR>	-- Angela Thirkell (1890 - 1961), British writer
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. <BR>	-- Ovid (43 B.C.-18 A.D.), Roman poet
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. <BR>	-- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927), British comic writer
Make yourself an honest man and then you can be sure there is one rascal less in the world. <BR>	-- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881), Scottish historian
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965 ), English Prime Minister
Never underestimate the effectiveness of a straight cash bribe. <BR>	-- Claud Cockburn (1904-1981), Irish journalist
Never tell a lie, but the truth you don't have to tell. <BR>	-- George Safir
People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. <BR>	-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (1922--), U.S. novelist
Put all thine eggs in one basket and -- watch that basket. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910).
Tell the truth and run. <BR>	-- Yugoslavian proverb
That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude. <BR>	-- Alexander Haig (1924--), U.S. politician, in a 1983 TV interview
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. <BR>	-- Jean Giradoux (1882-1944), French dramatist
The world will be a better place when the Found ads in the newspapers begin to outnumber the Lost ads. <BR>	-- Lisa Kirk, U.S. actress
There are times and countries when the only place for an honest man is in jail. <BR>	-- Thomas Mann (1875-1955), German novelist
Those you trust the most can steal the most. <BR>	-- Lawrence Leif
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. <BR>	-- William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
Trust everybody, but cut the cards. <BR>	-- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. humorist
Truth is like a well-known whore. Everyone knows her, but it is embarrassing to encounter her on the street. <BR>	-- Wolfgang Borchert (1921-1947), German writer
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Unless a man feels he has a good enough memory, he should never venture to lie. <BR>	-- Michel de Montaigne (1533-1592), French essayist
What a lot of people are saving for a rainy day is somebody else's umbrella. <BR>	-- Caroline Clark in Saturday Evening Post
When in doubt, tell the truth. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When you deal with your brother, be pleasant, but get a witness. <BR>	-- Hesiod, Works and Ways, 8th cen. B.C. Greek poet
Housework can kill you if done right. <BR>	-- Erma Bombeck, (1927-1996), U.S. humorist
I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it. <BR>	-- Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist
Nature abhors a vacuum and so do I. <BR>	-- Anne Gibbons, U.S. cartoonist
Only a fool would make the bed every day. <BR>	-- Nancy Spain
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. <BR>	-- Quentin Crisp (1908-1999), English writer
When Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner, then I'll clean the house. <BR>	-- Roseanne Barr, (1953--), U.S. comic
All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it. <BR>	-- Lord Mancroft (1914--), British Conservative politician
All that I care to know is that a man is a human being -- that is enough for me; he can't be any worse. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Confess your sins to the Lord, and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
Every man has a sane spot somewhere. <BR>	-- Robert Louis Stevenson (1854-1894), English author
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
Everyone is as God made him, and often a great deal worse. <BR>	-- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616), Don Quixote, 1605-15
Half of us are blind, few of us feel, and we are all deaf. <BR>	-- Sir William Osler (1849-1919), Canadian physician
Human beings were invented by water as a device of transporting itself from one place to another. <BR>	-- Tom Robbins (1936-- ), U.S. novelist
I am a member of the rabble in good standing. <BR>	-- Westbrook Pegler (1894 - 1969), U.S. journalist
I believe I've found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It's us. <BR>	-- Konrad Lorenz (1903-1989), Austrian scientist
I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocketlaunchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string. <BR>	-- Scott Adams, "Dilbert" cartoonist
I don't know if there are men on the moon, but if there are, they must be using the earth as their lunatic asylum. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), British writer
I don't know what a scoundrel is like, but I know what a respectable man is like, and it's enough to make your flesh creep. <BR>	-- J.M. De Maistre
I hate mankind, for I think of myself as one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. <BR>	-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), English author
I haven't much doubt that man sprang from the monkey, but where did the monkey spring from?  <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand. <BR>	-- Charles M. Shulz, Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown, 1963.
I wonder men dare trust themselves with men. <BR>	-- William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
If I didn't panic when I found out that I was a human being, I'm never going to. <BR>	-- James Thurber (1894-1961), U.S. humorist
If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?  <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
If you treat people right they will treat you right -- ninety percent of the time. <BR>	-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945), U.S. President
In creating the human brain, evolution has wildly overshot the mark. <BR>	-- Arthur Koestler (1905-1983), British writer/critic
It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955), scientist
Know thyself?  If I knew myself, I'd run away. <BR>	-- Johann Goethe 1749-1832), German author
Lycanthropy/I comprehend, for without transformation/Men become wolves on any slight occasion. <BR>	-- George Gordon Noel, Lord Byron (1788-1824), English poet
Methinks we might elevate ourselves a little more. We might climb a tree, at least. <BR>	-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862), U.S. philosopher
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. <BR>	-- Alan Alexander Milne (1882-1956), English writer
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time. <BR>	-- George Orwell, "Dickens, Dali, and Others"
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. <BR>	-- Don Marquis (1878-1937), U.S. humorist
People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners
People will buy anything that's one to a customer. <BR>	-- Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951), U.S. novelist
Such is the human race. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party didn't miss the boat. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The average person thinks he isn't. <BR>	-- Reverend Larry Lorenzoni, U.S. priest
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The people are to be taken in very small doses. <BR>	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1883), U.S. essayist
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
The world is divided into people who do things -- and people who get the credit. <BR>	-- Dwight Morrow (1873-1931), U.S. politician
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world: those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not. <BR>	-- Robert Benchley (1889-1945), U.S. humorist
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
We are all on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. <BR>	-- W. H. Auden (1907-1973), English poet
We are only cave men who have lost their cave. <BR>	-- Christopher Morley (1890-1957), U.S. editor/writer
We are the people our parents warned us against. <BR>	-- Nicholas von Hoffman, U.S. columnist
What keeps people apart is their inability to get together. <BR>	-- Mayor Richard J. Daley of Chicago, Reader's Digest, April 1971.
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this -- that you are dreadfully like other people. <BR>	-- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891), US poet
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. <BR>	-- Eric Hoffer (1902-1983), The Passionate State of Mind, 1955
Why did Nature create Man?  Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?  <BR>	-- Holbrook Jackson (1874-1948), English writer/critic
You may break your heart, but men will go on as before. <BR>	-- Marcus Aurelius (121-180), Meditations, 2nd century
Don't be so humble. You're not that great. <BR>	-- Golde Meir, Prime Minister of Israel
It ain't bragging if you really done it. <BR>	-- Dizzy Dean (1911-1974), U.S. baseball player
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left. <BR>	-- Oscar Levant (1906-- ), TV personality in US
One of the great disadvantages of hurry is that it takes such a long time. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
There is never enough time, unless you're serving it. <BR>	-- Malcolm Forbes (1919-1990), U.S. publisher
He who laughs, lasts. <BR>	-- Mary Pettibone Poole, writer, in A Glass Eye at a Keyhole, 1938
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935-- ), U.S. film-maker
If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there. <BR>	-- Martin Luther (1483-1546)
Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. <BR>	-- Arnold H. Glasow
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard (February 1737)
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. <BR>	-- Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
Apologists for the profession contend that lawyers are as honest as other men, but that is not very encouraging. <BR>	-- Ferdinand Lundberg (1902-1995), U.S. writer
During the mid-1980's dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?  <BR>	-- P. J. O'Rourke (1947--)
God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer an honest man. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard (December 1733)
He is no lawyer who cannot take sides. <BR>	-- Charles Lamb (1775-1834), poet
I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters. <BR>	-- John Keats (1795-1821), English poet
I always figured that being a good robber was like being a good lawyer. <BR>	-- Willie Sutton, (1901-1980), U.S. bank-robber
If half the lawyers would become plumbers, two of man's biggest problems would be solved. <BR>	-- Felton Davis, Jr.: "Reflections on the Lake,"
If it weren't for the lawyers we wouldn't need them. <BR>	-- William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925), U.S. politician
Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made. <BR>	-- Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898), German Chancellor
Lawyers and insurance agents deserve one another. <BR>	-- Craig Vetter
Lawyers are jackals. <BR>	-- Erasmus (1465-1536)
Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke. <BR>	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. <BR>	-- Charles Lamb (1775-1834)
Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief. <BR>	-- Franz Kafka (1884-1924)
Most lawyers are swine. And not even nice swine. <BR>	-- Charles McCabe
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. <BR>	-- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), Henry VI Part II, 1597/8
The laws I love; the lawyers I suspect. <BR>	-- Charles Churchill (1731-1764)
The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk. <BR>	-- Patrick Murray
The people can change Congress but only God can change the Supreme Court. <BR>	-- George W. Norris
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910), Sketches Old and New, 1875
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. <BR>	-- Norm Crosby, U.S. comedian
When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff. <BR>	-- Marcus Tullius Cicero (160-43 B.C.)
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit. <BR>	-- Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
Woe unto ye also, ye lawyers!  for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye touch not the burdens with one of your fingers. <BR>	-- Luke 11:46
Bodily exercise profiteth little.-1 Timothy 4:8
Half a loaf is better than no free time at all. <BR>	-- J.D. Ward
He slept beneath the moon/He basked beneath the sun;/He lived a life of going-to-do,/And died with nothing done. <BR>	-- James Albery's epitaph for himself (1838-1889)
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward. <BR>	-- Spanish proverb
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. <BR>	-- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927), Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. <BR>	-- Lin Yutang (1895-1976), Chinese-American writer
I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without performing any kind of labor, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more months. <BR>	-- Artemus Ward (1834-1867), Natural History, Chapter Three
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. <BR>	-- James Thurber (1894-1961), U.S. humorist
Never do anything standing that you can do sitting, or anything sitting that you can do lying down. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
Whenever I feel the urge to exercise coming on, I lie down until it passes over. <BR>	--attributed to Robert Maynard Hutchins (1899-1977 ), U.S. educator
Education is a wonderful thing. If you couldn't sign your name you'd have to pay cash. <BR>	-- Rita Mae Brown (1944--), U.S. novelist
For the past eleven years, American students have scored lower on standardized tests than European students, Japanese students and certain species of elk. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, Bad Habits, 1982
He is either dead or teaching school. <BR>	-- Zenobius (117-138), Greek sophist
Hard students are commonly troubled by gowts, catarrhes, rheums, cachexia, bradypepsia, bad eyes, stone, and collick, crudities, oppilations, vertigo, winds, consumptions, and all such diseases as come by over much sitting; they are for the most part lean, dry, ill-colored; spend their fortunes, lose their wits, and many times their lives; and all through immoderate pains and extraordinary studies. <BR>	-- Robert Burton, Anatomy of Melancholy, 1621
For every person wishing to teach there are thirty not wanting to be taught. <BR>	-- W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman, 1066 And All That
In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910), Following the Equator, 1897
It is tiresome to hear education discussed, tiresome to educate, and tiresome to be educated. <BR>	-- William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne (1779-1848),  	   and English Prime Minister
It is when the gods hate a man with uncommon abhorrence that they drive him into the profession of a schoolmaster. <BR>	--Seneca ,"Epistolae ad Lucilium," 64 AD
Much knowledge is a curse. <BR>	-- Chuang-Tzu (369-286 B.C.) Chinese Taoist philosopher
It's easier to graduate than to learn. <BR>	-- Robert Half
Of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. <BR>	-- Ecclesiastes 12:12 (ca. 200 B.C.)
Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar school. <BR>	-- William Shakespeare , King Henry VI, pt. 2, act 4, sc. 7
Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational. <BR>	-- Charles Schulz, "Peanuts" comic strip
You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over??  Movie Day. <BR>	-- Jay Mohr (1970--), U.S. comedian/actor
All men's lives are fairy tales written by the fingers of God. <BR>	-- Hans Christian Anderson (1805-1875), Danish author
Any idiot can face a crisis -- it's this day-to-day living that wears you out. <BR>	-- Anton Chekhov (1860-1904), Russian physician/author
Be careful how you interpret the world; it is like that. <BR>	-- Erich Heller, U.S. literary critic
Have you ever had the feeling life is a black tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?  <BR>	-- George Gobel,(1919-1991), U.S. comedian
I wept when I was born and every day explains why. <BR>	-- Spanish proverb
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. <BR>	-- Tallulah Bankhead (1900-1968), U.S. actress
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. <BR>	-- Franz Kafka (1884-1924), novelist
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. <BR>	-- Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. <BR>	-- Paul Harvey, (1918--), U.S. radio commentator
It is not certain that everything is uncertain. <BR>	-- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), Pensees, 1670
It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -- but that's the way to bet  <BR>	-- Damon Runyon 1884-1946), U.S. short story writer/humorist
It's a grand life, if you don't tire. <BR>	-- Gaelic proverb
Life does not begin at conception, but when the kids leave home and the dog dies. <BR>	-- Russ James rjames@thegrid.net
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
Lif is too short. <BR>	-- Bart Gold (1970--)
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian/film-maker
Life is a dead-end street. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
Life is a dream -- but don't wake me. <BR>	-- Yiddish proverb
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can. <BR>	-- Danny Kaye (1913-1987), U.S. actor
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed. <BR>	-- Pierre Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867), French poet
Life is a quarantine for paradise. <BR>	-- Karl Julius Weber (1767-1832), German writer
Life is a rollercoaster. Try to eat a light lunch. <BR>	-- David A. Schmaltz, U.S. writer
Life is a sexually-transmitted disease. <BR>	-- Guy Bellamy, U.S. author
Life is a zoo in a jungle. <BR>	-- Peter De Vries, (1910--), U.S. writer
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. By this definition, the amoeba, the mango, the frog, the squirrel, the bear, the begonia, and many lawyers are forms of Life. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, Bad Habits, 1982
Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. <BR>	-- Alice Walker (1944--), U.S. author
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. film-maker
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering -- and it's all over much too soon. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
Life is just one damned thing after another. <BR>	-- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915), U.S. editor/publisher
Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle, but you don't want to see it again. <BR>	-- Ted Turner, (1938--), U.S. billionaire
Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. <BR>	-- Lewis Grizzard, (1947-1994), U.S. humorist
Life is like a scrambled egg. <BR>	-- Don Marquis (1878-1937), "Frustration"
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. <BR>	-- Charles M. Schulz (1922--), U.S. cartoonist
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it. <BR>	-- James Gibbons Huneker (1860-1921),U.S. musician, critic
Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament. <BR>	-- George Santayana (1863-1952), Articles and Essays
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. <BR>	-- Christopher Isherwood (1904-1986), English playwright
Life is one long process of getting tired. <BR>	-- Samuel Butler, 1912
Life is something that everyone should try at least once. <BR>	-- Henry J. Tillman
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleeep. <BR>	-- Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
Life is too short to be small. <BR>	-- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), British Prime Minister
Life is too short to do anything for one's self that one can pay others to do for one. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), British novelist
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest. <BR>	-- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933), U.S. dramatist/wit
Life can be divided into the horrible and the miserable. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), Annie Hall
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around. <BR>	-- David Lodge, The British Museum is Falling Down, 1965
Living is like licking honey off a thorn. <BR>	-- Louis Adamic (1899-1951), U.S. novelist/journalist
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. <BR>	-- Ashley Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
My theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it. <BR>	-- Charles Lamb (1775-1834), English poet, in 1822
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. <BR>	-- Brendan Gill (1914-1997), U.S. U.S. writer
Reality is a collective hunch. <BR>	-- Mel Seesholtz, Penn State U. professor
Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Die, search for meaning, search for meaning, search for meaning. <BR>	-- Doug Horton, SF author
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story. <BR>	-- Ashley Brilliant, (1933--), U.S. writer
The meaning of life is that it stops. <BR>	-- Franz Kafka (1884-1924), novelist
The things that I can't have I want,/And what I have seems second-rate,/The things I want to do I can't,/And what I have to do I hate. <BR>	-- Don Marquis (1878-1937), U.S. humorist
The times are not so bad as they seem; they couldn't be. <BR>	-- Jay Franklin (1897--)
The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. <BR>	-- Peter Beard (1938--), U.S. photographer
The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. <BR>	-- Sean O'Casey (1880-1964), Irish playwright
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Man and Superman, 1903
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. <BR>	-- George Santayana (1863-1952), Soliloquies in England
Things aren't as bad as they seem. They are worse. <BR>	-- Bill Press, U.S. columnist
To dream is happiness; to wake is life. <BR>	-- Victor Hugo (1802-1885), French novelist
While we are postponing, life speeds by. <BR>	-- Seneca (3 BC-65 AD), Roman playwright
Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college. <BR>	-- Tom Masson (1866-1934), writer
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around. <BR>	-- David Dodge (1910-1974), U.S. mystery writer
Never judge a book by its meeting. <BR>	-- J.W. Eagan
Our American professors like their literature clean and cold and pure and very dead. <BR>	-- Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951), U.S. novelist
To mankind in general, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth stand out as the supreme type of all that a host and hostess should not be. <BR>	-- Max Beerbohm (1872-1956), English writer
It's the poor loser who finally loses out. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humorist
A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"  <BR>	-- Ronnie Shakes, "Famous Womanisms," U.S. comedian
Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Conners, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford -- but you'll take him anyway. <BR>	-- Judith Viorst (1931--), U.S. poet
It is better to have loved a small man than never to have loved a tall. <BR>	-- Mary Jo Crowley, Comedy Writing Secrets by Melvin Helitzer
Love conquers all except poverty and toothache. <BR>	-- Mae West (1892-1980), U.S. actress
Love is a grave mental disease. <BR>	-- Plato (428-347 B.C.), Greek philosopher
Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. <BR>	-- Matt Groening, (1954--), U.S. cartoonist
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. <BR>	-- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke  <BR>	-- Lynda Barry (1956--), U.S. cartoonist
Love is being stupid together. <BR>	-- Paul Valery (1871-1945), French poet/essayist
Love is just a chemical reaction. But it's fun trying to find the formula. <BR>	-- J.D. Shantel, professor of chemistry
Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack. <BR>	-- Mary Roberts Rinehart, (1876-1958), U.S. mystery writer
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. <BR>	-- Judith Viorst in Redbook magazine
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. <BR>	-- S. J. Perelman, (-1979), U.S. screenwriter
Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. <BR>	-- Judith Viorst, (1931--), U.S. poet
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. film-maker
Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love. <BR>	-- The Song of Solomon, 2:5, circa 200 B.C.
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. <BR>	-- Erich Segal (1937--), U.S. writer
True love is like seeing ghosts: we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. <BR>	-- Louis La Rochefoucauld (1777-1815)
Two things only a man cannot hide: that he is drunk and that he is in love. <BR>	-- Antiphanes (c.388-c.311 BC), Greek playwright
We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him. <BR>	-- Shelley Winters, (1920--), US movie actress
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. <BR>	-- Henny Youngman, (1906-1998), U.S. comedian
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. <BR>	-- R. E. Shay
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. <BR>	-- William H. Mauldin (1921--), U.S. cartoonist
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. <BR>	-- Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?  <BR>	--Stanislaw J. Lec
It is bad luck to be superstitious. <BR>	-- Andrew W. Mathis
So unlucky that he runs into accidents which started out to happen to somebody else. <BR>	-- Don Marquis (1878-1937), "Archy Says"
The only sure thing about luck is that it will change. <BR>	-- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933), U.S. wit
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?  <BR>	-- Jean Cocteau (1889-1963), French author
You need a strong stomach to digest luck. <BR>	-- Russian proverb
A fool and his money are soon married. <BR>	-- Carolyn Wells (1870-1942), U.S. writer
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. <BR>	-- Grace Hansen
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. <BR>	-- Anonymous
An ideal husband is one who treats his wife like a new car. <BR>	-- Dan Bennett, U.S. columnist
Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is only proving that she doesn't understand either men or percentages. <BR>	-- Flo Kennedy (1916-2000), political activist
Apparently men can be cured of drugs, drink, gambling, biting his nails and picking his nose, but not of marrying. <BR>	-- William Faulkner (1897-1962), U.S. author
Archaelogists make the best husbands. The older you get, the more they're interested. <BR>	-- Agatha Christie (1890-1976), British mystery writer
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent. <BR>	-- Socrates (470-399 B.C.), Greek philosopher/teacher
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. <BR>	-- Henry L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same. <BR>	-- Erica Jong (1942--)
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. <BR>	-- Socrates (469-399 B.C.), Greek philosopher/teacher
Call no man unhappy until he is married. <BR>	-- Socrates (469-399 B.C.), Greek philosopher/teacher
He who lives without quarreling is a bachelor. <BR>	-- St. Jerome (340-420)
Housewives deserve well-furnished minds. They have to live in them such a lot of the time. <BR>	-- Phyllis McGinley (1905-1978), U.S. poet
I am too much interested in other men's wives to think of getting one of my own. <BR>	-- George Moore (1852-1933), Irish author
I believe in large families. Every woman should have at least three husbands. <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor (ca. 1918--), Hollywood actress
I can't mate in captivity. <BR>	-- Gloria Steinem (1934--), U.S. activist
I do not refer to myself as a 'housewife' for the reason that I did not marry a house. <BR>	-- Wilma Scott Heide (1926-1985), U.S. feminist
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
I married beneath me -- all women do. <BR>	-- Lady Nancy Astor (1879-1964), English politician
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it was too late. <BR>	-- Max Kauffman
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. <BR>	-- Marie Corelli, (1855-1924), English novelist
I shall marry in haste, and repeat at leisure. <BR>	-- James Branch Cabell (1879-1958), U.S. fantasy novelist
I think, therefore I'm single. <BR>	-- Liz Winstead, U.S. comedy TV writer
If I ever marry it will be on sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice. <BR>	-- Estelle Getty (1924--), U.S. actress
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. <BR>	-- Anton Chekhov (1860-1904), Russian physician/author
If you marry, you will regret it. If you do not marry, you will also regret it. <BR>	-- Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855), Danish philosopher
It is as hard to arrange a good marriage as it was to divide the Red Sea. <BR>	-- Talmud: Sotah, 2A
It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too. <BR>	-- Lillian Bell
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. <BR>	-- Spike Milligan, (1918-2002), English comedian
Jesus was a bachelor. <BR>	-- Don Herold (1889-1966), U.S. humorist
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterwards. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard (June, 1738)
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. <BR>	-- Stephen Leacock, (1869-1944), Canadian humorist/educator
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures. <BR>	-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), English author
Marriage, if one will face the truth, is an evil, but a necessary evil. <BR>	-- Menander (342-291 B.C.), Greek playwright
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. <BR>	-- F. M. Knowles, A Cheerful Yearbook
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936), English writer
Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night. <BR>	-- St. Jerome (345-420), Attack on Jovinian
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. <BR>	-- Irwin Corey (1914--), U.S. comedian
Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. <BR>	-- Joseph Barth
Married women are kept women, and they are beginning to find it out. <BR>	-- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946), Afterthoughts
My advice to you is get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. <BR>	-- Socrates (470-399 B.C.),Greek philosopher/teacher
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time. <BR>	-- Lee Trevino (1939--), U.S. golfer
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. <BR>	-- Jean Rostand, "Le Mariage", 1927
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. <BR>	-- Helen Rowland (1876 - 1950), English-American writer
Niagara Falls is only the second biggest disappointment of the standard honeymoon. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish playwright
One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
One man's folly is another man's wife. <BR>	-- Helen Rowland (1876 - 1950), English-American writer
One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour. <BR>	-- M. M. Musselman, screenwriter
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - arriage does. <BR>	-- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. <BR>	-- Gloria Steinem (1934--), U.S. activist
Take it from me -- marriage isn't a word -- it's a sentence. <BR>	-- King Vidor, (1894-1982), U.S. film-maker
The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them -- sometimes three. <BR>	-- Alexandre Dumas
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. <BR>	-- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850), French novelist
The only good husbands stay bachelors; they're too considerate to get married. <BR>	-- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. journalist
The trouble with marrying your mistress is that you create a job vacancy. <BR>	-- Sir James Goldsmith (-1997), corporate raider
There are only about twenty murders a year in London, and not all are serious. Some are just husbands killing their wives. <BR>	-- Cmdr. G. H. Hatherill, British policeman
There is more to marriage than four bare legs in a bed. <BR>	-- John Heywood (1497?-1580?), English dramatist
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. <BR>	-- Clint Eastwood, (1930--), U.S. actor
We wedded men live in sorrow and care. <BR>	-- Chaucer (1340-1410), English author
What God has put asunder, why should man put it together?  <BR>	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1883), U.S. essayist
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. <BR>	-- Sacha Guitry, Elles et toi, 1948.
Where singleness is bliss, it's folly to be wives. <BR>	-- Bill Counselman, Ella Cinders
Why does the blind man's wife paint herself?  <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard (June 1736)
Wife-swapping is never done in the best circles of society. Wives can rarely, if ever, be traded for anything useful like a set of golf clubs. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989
Wives and watermelons are picked by chance. <BR>	-- Greek proverb
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. <BR>	-- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian
A red-headed man will make a good stallion. <BR>	-- John Ray (1628-1705), English naturalist
All phone calls are obscene. <BR>	-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon, U.S. writer
Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America. <BR>	-- Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. <BR>	-- Tom K. Ryan (1926--), U. S. "Tumbleweeds" cartoonist
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. <BR>	-- Gilda Radner, (1946-1989), U.S. comedienne
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. <BR>	-- Garrison Keillor (1942--), U.S. writer
I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining. <BR>	-- Lily Tomlin (1939-- ), U.S. actress/comedienne
I have nothing definite to apologize for; I'm just sorry about everything in general. <BR>	-- Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
I liked things better when I didn't understand them. <BR>	-- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. <BR>	-- Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
I'm from Indiana, the home of more first-rate second-class men than any other state in the union. <BR>	-- Thomas R. Marshall (1854-1925), U.S. Vice-President
I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied, I'm Irish. <BR>	-- Marianne Moore "Spenser's Ireland"
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened. <BR>	-- Michel de Montaigne (1533-1592), French essayist
My life needs a rewind/erase button. <BR>	-- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me. <BR>	-- Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
Reality continues to ruin my life. <BR>	-- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
That's the difference between me and the rest of the world!  Happiness isn't good enough for me!  I demand euphoria!  <BR>	-- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise. <BR>	-- Gore Vidal
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. <BR>	-- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
With me, it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935-- ), U.S. film-maker
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. <BR>	-- Carrie Snow, U.S. comedienne/screenwriter
And Nathan, being sick, trusted not in the Lord, but sent for a physician; and Nathan was gathered unto his fathers. <BR>	-- Old Testament
Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live. <BR>	-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), U.S. writer
Both the doctor and the Angel of Death kill -- but the doctor charges a fee for it. <BR>	-- Ibn Zabara (ca. 1140--ca. 1200), Book of Death
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard, November 1736
Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them. <BR>	-- Martin H. Fischer (1879-1962 ), German physician
He that sinneth before his Maker, let him fall into the hands of a physician. <BR>	-- Ecclesiastes 38
I die by the help of too many physicians. <BR>	-- Alexander the Great (356-323 BC), on his deathbed
I firmly believe that if the whole materia medica could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind, and all the worse for the fishes. <BR>	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894), U.S. essayist & poet
It was difficult for the Angel of Death to kill everybody in the whole world, so he appointed doctors to assist him. <BR>	-- Nahman of Bratzlav, Jewish mystic
Medicine can only cure curable diseases, and then not always. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
One of the best-kept medical secrets of our day: Everything gives white mice cancer. <BR>	-- Marvin Kitman, Coward's Almanac
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine. <BR>	-- Sir William Osler (1849-1919), Canadian physician
One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind. <BR>	-- Jean Kerr, (1923-- ), U.S. playwright
Suicide is cheating the doctors out of a job. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases. <BR>	-- Cackie Stinnet
I don't know much about medicine, but I know what I like. <BR>	-- S.J. Perelman (-1979), U.S screenwriter
Vaccination is undoubtedly a definite recognition of smallpox. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965 ), English Prime Minister
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"?  Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. <BR>	-- Jan King
A strong memory is commonly coupled with infirm judgment. <BR>	-- Michel de Montaigne (1533-1592), French essayist
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and -- I can't remember what the third thing is. <BR>	--Fred Allen (1894-1956), U.S. comedian
I've a grand memory for forgetting. <BR>	-- Robert Louis Stevenson (1854-1894), English author
Lord Dudley was one of the most absent men I think I ever met in society. One day he met me in the street, and invited me to meet myself. 'Dine with me today; dine with me and I will get Sydney Smith to meet you.' I admitted the temptation he held out to me, but said I was engaged to meet him elsewhere. <BR>	-- Sydney Smith (1771-1845), English clergyman/writer
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. <BR>	-- Austin O'Malley (1858-1932), physician/humorist
A man is so in the way in the house. <BR>	-- Elizabeth Gaskell (1810-1865), English novelist
A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. <BR>	-- Olin Miller
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. <BR>	-- Flo Kennedy (1916-2000), political activist
All men are forced into one of two categories; those with eleven fingers and those without. <BR>	-- Ned Rorem (1923--), U.S. composer
All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first. <BR>	-- James Thurber (1894-1961), U.S. humorist
Beauty, like male ballet dancers, makes some men afraid. <BR>	-- Mordecai Richler (1931--), Canadian writer
Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law. <BR>	-- Brooks Hayes, U.S. Congressman
Beware of the man who praises women's liberation; he is about to quit his job. <BR>	-- Erica Jong (1942-- ), U.S. poet/novelist
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humorist
Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women. <BR>	-- Nicole Hollander, (1929--), U.S. cartoonist, "Silvia"
Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men are as strange as hell. <BR>	-- Robin Morgan, U.S. poet/journalist
Every man loves the smell of his own farts. <BR>	-- Icelandic proverb
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend. <BR>	-- Zenna Schaffer
Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely. <BR>	-- Bette-Jane Raphael
God created man because he was so disappointed in the monkey. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. <BR>	-- Robin Williams, (1952--), U.S. actor
God invented man and I can do better than that. <BR>	-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), 1982
Growing up white and male in this society is like swimming in a salt lake -- no matter how rotten you are, it's impossible to sink to the bottom. <BR>	-- Sheila Tobias, U.S. writer, science consultant
He took misfortune like a man -- blamed it on his wife. <BR>	-- Brigid De Vine
However we brave it out, we men are a little breed. <BR>	-- Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892), "Maud," line 131
I believe the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped. <BR>	-- Feodor Dostoevski (1821-1881), Russian novelist
I like men to behave like men. I like them strong and childish. <BR>	-- Francoise Sagan (1935--), French novelist
I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. <BR>	-- Mae West (1892-1980), U.S. actress
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor (ca. 1918--), Hollywood actress
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, Hollywood actress
If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks. <BR>	-- Cynthia Nelms (1942-1995), US musician, singer
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. <BR>	-- Mary Wilson Little, U.S. writer
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?  <BR>	-- Linda Ellerbee, U.S. journalist/TV anchor
If men liked shopping, they'd call it research. <BR>	-- Cynthia Nelms (1942-1995), US musician, singer
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle. <BR>	-- Rita Mae Brown (1944--), U.S. novelist
It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the by-laws are shorter, and he is personally acquainted with the other members. <BR>	-- E.B. White (1899-- 1985), English writer
Look, we're all the same; a man is a fourteen-room house -- in the bedroom he's asleep with his intelligent wife, in the living-room he's rolling around with some bareass girl, in the library he's paying his taxes, in the yard he's raising tomatoes, and in the cellar he's making a bomb to blow it all up. <BR>	-- Arthur Miller, (1915--), U.S. playwright
Macho does not prove mucho. <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor (ca. 1918--), Hollywood actress
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. <BR>	-- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian
Man is nature's sole mistake. <BR>	-- Alexander Pope (1688-1744), English poet
Man is nature's sole mistake. <BR>	-- William S. Gilbert (1836-1911), Princess Ida
Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him. <BR>	-- Paul Eldridge
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Man is the second strongest sex in the world. <BR>	-- Philip Barry (1896-1949), U.S. playwright
Man puts woman on a pedestal so he won't have to look her in the eye. <BR>	-- Marian Stewart
Man was created a little lower than the angels, and has been getting a little lower ever since. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
Man -- a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Men and melons are hard to know. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard, September 1733
Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth. <BR>	-- Chuck Norris, (1940--), U.S. actor
Men are very queer animals -- a mixture of horse-nervousness, ass-stubbornness, and camel-malice. <BR>	-- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895), English scientist
Men build bridges and throw railroads across deserts, and yet they contend successfully that the job of sewing on a button is beyond them. <BR>	-- Heywood Broun, (1888-1939), U.S. journalist
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, American comedienne
Men hate to be misunderstood, and to be understood makes them furious. <BR>	-- Edgar Saltus (1855-1921), U.S. novelist
Men have more problems than women. In the first place, they have to put up with women. <BR>	-- Francoise Sagan (1935--), French novelist
Men love putting women on a pedestal because it's so much more satisfying when they knock them off. <BR>	-- Clare Booth Luce (1903-1987), U.S. politician
Mirrors and copulation are abominable because they increase the number of men. <BR>	-- Jorge Luis Borges, (1899-1986), Argentinian author
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. <BR>	-- Tim Allen, (1953--), American comedian
No man is ever old enough to know better. <BR>	-- Holbrook Jackson, Ladies' Home Journal (January, 1950)
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. <BR>	-- Maureen Murphy
Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what's the point. <BR>	-- Gladys Upham
The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots. <BR>	-- Rebecca West (1892-1983) Irish author
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest. <BR>	-- Roseanne Barr, (1953--), U.S. comic
The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on women. <BR>	-- Lady Nancy Astor (1879-1964), English politician
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. <BR>	-- Jilly Cooper (1942--), Cosmopolitan, 1972
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. <BR>	-- Madame de Stael (1766-1817), French woman of letters
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. <BR>	-- Margo Kaufman, U.S. writer
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. <BR>	-- Natalie Wood, (1938-1981), U.S. actress
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. <BR>	-- Elayne Boosler, U.S. comedienne
Women and small men are hard to handle. <BR>	-- Japanese proverb
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible. <BR>	-- Margaret Mead, (1901-1978), U.S. anthropologist
You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which is why God invented dental floss. <BR>	-- Susanne Kollrack
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. <BR>	-- Lord Webb-Johnson, Look, October 4, 1955
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. <BR>	--attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (1884-1974), U.S. film maker
Everything good in the world comes from neurotics. They alone have founded our religions and composed our masterpieces. <BR>	-- Marcel Proust (1871-1922), French author
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. <BR>	-- James Thurber (1894-1961), U.S. humorist
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. <BR>	-- Nora Ephron (1941-- ), U.S. screenwriter
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. <BR>	-- Muriel Spark (1918--), Scottish author
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. <BR>	-- Rita Mae Brown (1944-- ), U.S. novelist
The only thing to know is how to use your neuroses. <BR>	-- Arthur Adamov (1908-1970), French dramatist
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". <BR>	-- Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line. <BR>	-- Oscar Levant (1906-- ), TV personality in US
We are all born mad. Some remain so. <BR>	-- Samuel Beckett (1906-1989), Irish playwright
Miscellaneous is always the largest category. <BR>	-- Joel Rosenberg, The Warrior Lives, SF novelist
I don't want to make the wrong mistake. <BR>	-- Yogi Berra (1925--), U.S. baseball player
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterward. <BR>	-- Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936), English author
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. <BR>	-- John Peel
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. <BR>	-- John Kenneth Galbraith, (1908--), U.S. economist
If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything. <BR>	-- Marva Collins, U.S. teacher
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. <BR>	-- Martin Vanbee
Everything in moderation -- including moderation. <BR>	-- Harvey Steiman, U.S. editor of Wine Spectator
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish playwright
A feast is made for laughter/And wine maketh merry/But money answereth all things. <BR>	-- Ecclesiastes 10:19
A man can live well enough even in a palace. <BR>	-- Marcus Aurelius (121-180), Roman philosopher/Emperor
A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich. <BR>	-- John Jacob Astor II
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. <BR>	-- Yogi Berra, U.S. baseball player
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. <BR>	-- Will Rogers
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. <BR>	-- Will Rogers
Get what you can and keep what you have. That's the way to get rich. <BR>	-- Scots proverb
God help the poor, for the rich can help themselves. <BR>	-- Scots proverb
I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries. <BR>	-- Jules Renard (1864-1910), French author
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. <BR>	-- Jackie Mason (1930--), U.S. comedian
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. <BR>	-- Bill Hoest, (1926-1988), U.S. cartoonist
I think every young man should have a hobby. Learning to handle money is the best hobby. <BR>	-- Jack Hurley
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. <BR>	-- J. Paul Getty (1892-1976), U.S. industrialist
If you have no money, be polite. <BR>	-- Danish proverb
If you'd know the value of money, go and borrow some. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), Poor Richard (April 1754)
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. <BR>	-- Sir James Goldsmith, (-1997), corporate raider
It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich. <BR>	-- Alan Alda, US actor
It's not a sin to be rich -- it's a miracle. <BR>	-- W. F. Dettle
Make money, money, honestly if you can; if not, by any means at all, make money. <BR>	-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 65BC-8BC, Roman satirist
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
Money often costs too much. <BR>	-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1883), U.S. essayist
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. <BR>	-- Bill Vaughan (1915-1977)
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. <BR>	-- F. J. Raymond
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. <BR>	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
That money talks/I'll not deny,/I heard it once;/It said, "Goodbye."  <BR>	-- Richard Armour (1906-1989), U.S. poet/humorist
The lack of money is the root of all evil. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
The most popular labor saving device is still money. <BR>	-- Phyllis George, U.S. actress/sportscaster
The rich are different from you and me because they have more credit. <BR>	-- John Leonard, U.S. journalist
There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. <BR>	-- Jack Yelton
There is no economy in going to bed early to save candles if the results be twins. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody. <BR>	-- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965), U.S. politician
Try to save money. Someday it may be valuable again. <BR>	--Anonymous
Wealth maketh many friends. <BR>	-- Bible
We at Chrysler borrow money the old-fasioned way. We pay it back. <BR>	-- Lee Iacocca (1924--), U.S. businessman
When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money. <BR>	-- Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humorist
When I was young I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right. <BR>	-- Gahan Wilson, (1930--), U.S. artist & writer
When you are young you think money is the most important thing in life. When you are old, you know it. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
 A mother who is really a mother is never free. <BR>	-- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
Behind every successful man is surprised mother-in-law. <BR>	-- Hubert Humphrey (1911-1978), U.S. Vice President
Do not join encounter groups. If you enjoy being made to feel inadequate, call your mother. <BR>	-- Liz Smith, U.S. gossip columnist
However much you dislike your mother-in-law, you must not set fire to her. <BR>	-- Ernest Wilde, recorder of London, 1905
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. <BR>	-- W.C. Fields (1880-1946), U.S. comedian
If evolution really works, how come mothers still have only two hands?  <BR>	-- Ed Dussault, Reader's Digest (December 1976)
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn't everything. She was wrong about other things, too. <BR>	-- Gerald Barzan
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. <BR>	-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), U.S. humorist
Nobody can misunderstand a boy like his own mother. <BR>	-- Norman Douglas (1868-1952), British writer/diplomat
The best thing that could happen to motherhood already has. Fewer women are going into it. <BR>	-- Victoria Billinger (1945-- ) , U.S. journalist
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. <BR>	-- Jane Sellman, U.S. writer
Brass bands are all very well in their place -- outdoors and several miles away. <BR>	-- Sir Thomas Beecham, (1879-1961), conductor of Royal Philharmonic
Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it, and that a very severe one. <BR>	-- Hannah More (1745-1833),English religious writer
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. <BR>	-- Giacacchino Rossini (1792-1868), Italian opera composer
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand. <BR>	-- Edward Appleton (1892-1965), English physicist
I hate music, especially when it's played. <BR>	-- Jimmy Durante (1893-1980), U.S. musician/comedian
I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. <BR>	-- Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867), French poet
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. <BR>	-- Lily Tomlin, U.S. comedienne/actress
If anyone has conducted a Beethoven performance, and then doesn't have to go to an osteopath, then there's something wrong. <BR>	-- Simon Rattle 1955--), English conductor
If you feel like singing along -- don't. <BR>	-- James Taylor, American singer
Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny. <BR>	-- Frank Zappa (1941-1993), U.S. musician
Music helps not the toothache. <BR>	-- George Herbert (1593-1633), English poet, in "Jarula Pruchentum"
Music is the brandy of the damned. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish author
No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. <BR>	-- W.H. Auden, Time (December 29, 1061)
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings. <BR>	-- Ed Gardner
The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes. <BR>	-- Sir Thomas Beecham (1879-1961), conductor of Royal Philharmonic,
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead. <BR>	-- Arthur Honegger (1892-1935), French composer
The sound of a harpsichord -- two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm. <BR>	-- Sir Thomas Beecham (1879-1961), conductor of Royal Philharmonic
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. <BR>	-- Bill Nye (1850-1896), U.S. humorist
As watchful as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. <BR>	-- Patrick Cusack
Liberty once lost is lost forever. <BR>	-- John Adams
What's the difference between a cavalry horse and a draught horse? The cavalry horse darts into the fray...
It's pretty safe to assume the contemporary BMWs will depreciate like school milk. <BR>	-- Patrick Cusack, 2004
Thailand is primarily a Buddhist state and 'shit happens' -- but Allah has a lot of explaining to do South of that meridian. <BR>	-- Patrick Cusack, on the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconciously translates what he hears into something he can understand. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
All movements go too far. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
I think we ought always to entertain our opinions with some measure of doubt. I shouldn't wish people dogmatically to believe any philosophy, not even mine. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
It is a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as it is to be angry with a car that won't go. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Mathematics, rightly viewed, posses not only truth, but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -- more than ruin -- more even than death... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Passive acceptance of the teacher's wisdom is easy to most boys and girls. It involves no effort of independent thought, and seems rational because the teacher knows more than his pupils; it is moreover the way to win the favour of the teacher unless he is a very exceptional man. Yet the habit of passive acceptance is a disastrous one in later life. It causes man to seek and to accept a leader, and to accept as a leader whoever is established in that position. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Science may set limits to knowledge, but should not set limits to imagination. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy -- I mean that if you are happy you will be good. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The main things which seem to me important on their own account, and not merely as means to other things, are knowledge, art, instinctive happiness, and relations of friendship or affection. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
There is no nonsense so errant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast majority by adequate governmental action. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
This is one of those views which are so absolutely absurd that only very learned men could possibly adopt them. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
This is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened by absurdities. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Too little liberty brings stagnation and too much brings chaos. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
What the world needs is not dogma but an attitude of scientific inquiry combined with a belief that the torture of millions is not desirable, whether inflicted by Stalin or by a Deity imagined in the likeness of the believer. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are much more nearly certain than others. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are much more nearly certain than others. It is much more nearly certain that we are assembled here tonight than it is that this or that political party is in the right. Certainly there are degrees of certainty, and one should be very careful to emphasize that fact, because otherwise one is landed in an utter skepticism, and complete skepticism would, of course, be totally barren and completely useless. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilization, and at present very few people have reached this level. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
One should as a rule respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny, and is likely to interfere with happiness in all kinds of ways. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Every man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him like flies on a summer day. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice, and another which we practice but seldom preach. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
It is obvious that 'obscenity' is not a term capable of exact legal definition; in the practice of the Courts, it means 'anything that shocks the magistrate.'  <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
They sicken of the calm that know the storm. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. <BR>	-- Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967), speaking of Katharine Hepburn
A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
A lifetime of happiness!  No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.
Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Hell is full of musical amateurs. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage. As it is, the political problem remains unsolved. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Lack of money is the root of all evil. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
You are going to let the fear of poverty govern your life and your reward will be that you will eat, but you will not live. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"  <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
A lifetime of happiness!  No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
There are no secrets better kept than the secrets that everybody guesses. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at one thing and you're driving at another. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essense of inhumanity. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a nation we don't dress well and we've no manners. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
"Do you know what a pessimist is?" "A man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."  <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
All great truths begin as blasphemies. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
He who has never hoped can never despair. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Do you think that the things people make fools of themselves about are any less real and true than the things they behave sensibly about? They are more true: they are the only things that are true. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Parentage is a very important profession, but no test of fitness for it is ever imposed in the interest of the children. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Alcohol is a very necessary article... It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existence if they were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
I am a Millionaire. That is my religion. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Beware of the man whose God is in the skies. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Every man over forty is a scoundrel. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Youth, which is forgiven everything, forgives itself nothing: age, which forgives itself everything, is forgiven nothing. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouth without making some other Englishman hate or despise him. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
What is life but a seires of inspired follies?  The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn't come every day. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
I never resist temptation because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
All professions are conspiracies against the laity. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
A home is not a mere transient shelter: its essence lies in the personalities of the people who live in it. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced on them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe... Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
In the United States, doing good has come to be, like patriotism, a favorite device of persons with something to sell. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Man is never honestly the fatalist, nor even the stoic. He fights his fate, often desperately. He is forever entering bold exceptions to the rulings of the bench of gods. This fighting, no doubt, makes for human progress, for it favors the strong and the brave. It also makes for beauty, for lesser men try to escape from a hopeless and intolerable world by creating a more lovely one of their own. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Never let your inferiors do you a favor - it will be extremely costly. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The government consists of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent for the business of government; they have only a talent for getting and holding office. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth--that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!  <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?  <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Real, constructive mental power lies in the creative thought that shapes your destiny, and your hour-by-hour mental conduct produces power for change in your life. Develop a train of thought on which to ride. The nobility of your life as well as your happiness depends upon the direction in which that train of thought is going. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Speak when you are angry -- and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to illustrate quotations from the poets. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Biography lends to death a new terror. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I am not young enough to know everything. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Illusion is the first of all pleasures. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Music makes one feel so romantic -- at least it always gets on one's nerves -- which is the same thing nowadays. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Why was I born with such contemporaries?  <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
One's real life is often the life that one does not lead. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I can resist anything but temptation. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
What is a cynic?  A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly -- that is what each of us is here for. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Only the shallow know themselves. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Vile deeds like poison weeds bloom well in prison air, it is only what is good in man, that wastes and withers there. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
But what is the difference between literature and journalism? ... Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
The truth is rarely pure and never simple. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray, and the advantage of science is that it is not emotional. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
The basis of optimism is sheer terror. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our intellects. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
All great change in America begins at the dinner table. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Coersion, after all, merely captures man. Freedom captivates him. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Don't be afraid to see what you see. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Facts are stupid things. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
How do you tell a communist?  Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist?  It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace: to give us the means of rendering these nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there's purpose and worth to each and every life. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
People don't start wars, governments do. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'  <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
The ultimate determinant in the struggle now going on for the world will not be bombs and rockets but a test of wills and ideas-a trial of spiritual resolve: the values we hold, the beliefs we cherish and the ideals to which we are dedicated. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
There are no great limits to growth because there are no limits of human intelligence, imagination, and wonder. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.'  And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
To sit back hoping that someday, someway, someone will make things right is to go on feeding the crocodile, hoping he will eat you last--but eat you he will. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes. <BR>	-- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004), 40th president of USA
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'  <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
Every generation needs a new revolution. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add 'within the limits of the law,' because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the right of an individual. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us that the less we use our power the greater it will be. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I find as I grow older that I love those most whom I loved first. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Leave all the afternoon for exercise and recreation, which are as necessary as reading. I will rather say more necessary because health is worth more than learning. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
A single zealot may commence prosecutor, and better men be his victims. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I never will, by any word or act, bow to the shrine of intolerance or admit a right of inquiry into the religious opinions of others. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I am of a sect by myself, as far as I know. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Nobody can acquire honor by doing what is wrong. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I have seen enough of one war never to wish to see another. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
The freedom of the press is on of the great bulwarks of liberty, and can never be restrained but by a despotic government. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
In every country and every age, the priest had been hostile to Liberty. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
The Christian God is a being of terrific character -- cruel, vindictive, capricious, and unjust. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Determine never to be idle... It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Every citizen should be a soldier. This was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free state. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I cannot live without books. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Never fear the want of business. A man who qualifies himself well for his calling, never fails of employment. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Never spend your money before you have it. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Never trouble another for what you can do for yourself. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Say nothing of my religion. It is known to God and myself alone. Its evidence before the world is to be sought in my life: if it has been honest and dutiful to society the religion which has regulated it cannot be a bad one. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it always to be kept alive. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I have the consolation of having added nothing to my private fortune during my public service, and of retiring with hands clean as they are empty. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
No government ought to be without censors & where the press is free, no one ever will. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
If our house be on fire, without inquiring whether it was fired from within or without, we must try to extinguish it. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisements, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
Some men look at constitutions with sanctimonious reverence, and deem them like the ark of the covenant, too sacred to be touched. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Eighty percent of success is showing up. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?  <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?  <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
I am at two with nature. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?  <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Thought: Why does man kill?  He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?  <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?  <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
A joke is a very serious thing. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping it will eat him last. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
>From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
The price of greatness is responsibility. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire... Give us the tools and we will finish the job. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat."  <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
So they [the Government] go on in strange paradox, decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
I am reminded of the professor who, in his declining hours, was asked by his devoted pupils for his final counsel. He replied, 'Verify your quotations.'  <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma: but perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Here is the answer which I will give to President Roosevelt... We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire. Neither the sudden shock of battle nor the long-drawn trials of vigilance and exertion will wear us down. Give us the tools and we will finish the job. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
One day President Roosevelt told me that he was asking publicly for suggestions about what the war should be called. I said at once 'The Unnecessary War'. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
The empires of the future are the empires of the mind. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
For myself I am an optimist -- it does not seem to be much use being anything else. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
>From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an iron curtain has descended across the Continent. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
We shall show mercy, but we shall not ask for it. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
A love of tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril; but the new view must come, the world must roll forward. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
Never give in -- never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?  <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Nothing you can't spell will ever work. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Politics is applesauce. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
I bet you if I had met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?  <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
People ask for criticism, but they only want praise. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Tradition is a guide and not a jailer. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
When you have loved as she has loved, you grow old beautifully. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Like all weak men he laid an exaggerated stress on not changing one's mind. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Art is merely the refuge which the ingenious have invented, when they were supplied with food and women, to escape the tediousness of life. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
D'you call life a bad job?  Never!  We've had our ups and downs, we've had our struggles, we've always been poor, but it's been worth it, ay, worth it a hundred times I say when I look round at my children. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Follow your inclinations with due regard to the policeman round the corner. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
He had heard people speak contemptuously of money: he wondered if they had ever tried to do without it. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
I daresay one profits more by the mistakes one makes off one's own bat than by doing the right thing on somebody's else advice. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
I do not confer praise or blame: I accept. I am the measure of all things. I am the centre of the world. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideal which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
It is cruel to discover one's mediocrity only when it is too late. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
It is not wealth one asks for, but just enough to preserve one's dignity, to work unhampered, to be generous, frank and independent. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
It's asking a great deal that things should appeal to your reason as well as your sense of the aesthetic. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Life wouldn't be worth living if I worried over the future as well as the present. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Men seek but one thing in life -- their pleasure. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Money is like a sixth sense without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
The important thing was to love rather than to be loved. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
The rain fell alike upon the just and upon the unjust, and for nothing was there a why and a wherefore. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
There was an immeasurable distance between the quick and the dead: they did not seem to belong to the same species; and it was strange to think that but a little while before they had spoken and moved and eaten and laughed. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
When I read a book I seem to read it with my eyes only, but now and then I come across a passage, perhaps only a phrase, which has a meaning for me, and it becomes part of me. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
When things are at their worst I find something always happens. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her... but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Life isn't long enough for love and art. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
God, give me chastity and continence, but not just now. <BR>	-- St. Augustine (354 - 430 A.D.)
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. <BR>	-- Fred Allen (1894-1956), U.S. comedian
More people are killed every year by pigs than by sharks, which shows you how good we are at evaluating risk. <BR>	-- Bruce Schneier, CRYPTO-GRAM, May 15, 2005
The story of modern America begins With the discovery of the white man by The Indians. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Only puny secrets need protection. Big discoveries are protected by public incredulity. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Whereas convictions depend on speed-ups, justice requires delay. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The nature of people demands that most of them be engaged in the most frivolous possible activities like making money. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
With telephone and TV it is not so much the message as the sender that is sent. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Money is the poor mans credit card. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
We look at the present through a rear-view mirror. We march backwards into the future. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Spaceship earth is still operated by railway conductors, just as NASA is managed by men with Newtonian goals. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Invention is the mother of necessities. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
You mean my whole fallacys wrong?  <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Mud sometimes gives the illusion of depth. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The car has become the carapace, the protective and aggressive shell, of urban and suburban man. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Why is it so easy to acquire the solutions of past problems and so difficult to solve current ones?  <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The trouble with a cheap, specialized education is that you never stop paying for it. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
People dont actually read newspapers. They step into them every morning like a hot bath. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The road is our major architectural form. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Today each of us lives several hundred years in a decade. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Today the business of business is becoming the constant invention of new business. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The price of eternal vigilance is indifference. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
News, far more than art, is artifact. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
When you are on the phone or on the air, you have no body. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Tomorrow is our permanent address. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
All advertising advertises advertising. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The answers are always inside the problem, not outside. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Camp is popular because it gives people a sense of reality to see a replay of their lives. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
This information is top security. When you have read it, destroy yourself. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The specialist is one who never makes small mistakes while moving toward the grand fallacy. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
One of the nicest things about being big is the luxury of thinking little. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Politics offers yesterdays answers to todays questions. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The missing link created far more interest than all the chains and explanations of being. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
In big industry new ideas are invited to rear their heads so they can be clobbered at once. The idea department of a big firm is a sort of lab for isolating dangerous viruses. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
When a thing is current, it creates currency. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Food for the mind is like food for the body: the inputs are never the same as the outputs. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Men on frontiers, whether of time or space, abandon their previous identities. Neighborhood gives identity. Frontiers snatch it away. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The future of the book is the blurb. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
The ignorance of how to use new knowledge stockpiles exponentially. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
A road is a flattened-out wheel, rolled up in the belly of an airplane. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
At the speed of light, policies and political parties yield place to charismatic images. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
I may be wrong, but Im never in doubt. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media analyst & philosipher
Remember, no one, when they are on their death-bed says "I wish I'd watched a little more TV". <BR>	-- Jeffrey Hill, on Rennlist
I never had a chance this year. I can't drink like Lee Marvin, grunt like Rod Steiger, enunciate like Sir Laurence Olivier, and when it comes to Richard Burton, I'm really in trouble. <BR>	-- Bob Hope, at the Oscars
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners!  It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon!  And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Don't you wish you had a job like mine?  All you have to do is think up a certain number of words!  Plus, you can repeat words!  And they don't even have to be true!  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West - the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford were caused by erosion. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change?  One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy!  After all, you're paying for it. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area!  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets-foods that have had all of their organs safely removed. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives."  We don't care. We have each other. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The members took turns lighting sparklers and signing their John Hancocks to the Declaration, with one prankster even going so far as to actually write John Hancock. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - "to spew out paper."  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?  <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles?  I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England; exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities; and much, much more. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
A male chauvinist is a man who thinks that "harass" is two words. <BR>	-- The proprietor, Ballandean Estate Winery, 2005.
The Anna Kournikova worm showed us that nearly half of humanity will click on anything purporting to contain nude pictures of semi-famous females. <BR>	-- Marcus Ranum "The Six Dumbest Ideas in Computer Security"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. <BR>	-- The Law of Avoiding Oversell
Never accept a drink from a urologist. <BR>	-- The Law of Common Sense
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. <BR>	-- The Law of Reality
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. <BR>	-- The Law of Self Sacrifice
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. <BR>	-- The Law of Motivation
You always find something in the last place you look. <BR>	-- Boob's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. <BR>	-- Weiler's Law
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. <BR>	-- Law of Probable Dispersal
People are always available for work in the past tense. <BR>	-- Law of Volunteer Labor
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. <BR>	-- Conway's Law
Them that has, gets. <BR>	-- Iron Law of Distribution
There is always one more bug. <BR>	-- Law of Cybernetic Entomology
The first myth of management is that it exists. <BR>	-- Heller's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't. <BR>	-- Osborne's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. <BR>	-- Main's Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization. <BR>	-- Weinberg's Second Law
A pre-requisite for a desired course will only be offered during the semester following the desired course. <BR>	-- Second Law of Class Scheduling
Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes. <BR>	-- Law of Class Scheduling
An expert is anyone from out of town. <BR>	-- Mars Rule
The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during your last semester. <BR>	-- Seit's Law
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them. <BR>	-- Cornuelle's Law
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. <BR>	-- Ruan's Law
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. <BR>	-- Arthurs Second Law of Love
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. <BR>	-- Arthurs First Law of Love
The stomach expands to accomodate the amount of junk food available. <BR>	-- Iske's Teenage Law
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. <BR>	-- Lab Workers Law
The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness. <BR>	-- Green Thumb Postulate
The probablility of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. <BR>	-- Ruby's Principal of Close Encounters
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. <BR>	-- Green's Law
To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human. <BR>	-- Jacob's Law
Virtue is its own punishment  <BR>	-- Denniston's Law
The Telephone will ring when you are outside the door fumbling for your keys. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up. <BR>	-- Bess's Telephone Law
The Consumer Report on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase. <BR>	-- Beryl's Law
If there are only two shows worth watching they will be on at the same time. <BR>	-- Law of TV Programming
If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination and the other car will get the last parking space. <BR>	-- Athena's Rule of Driving Courtesy
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the opposite end at which you begin checking for errors. <BR>	-- Grelb's Law
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. <BR>	-- Chicholm's Law
If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space. <BR>	-- Athena's Rule of Parking
The label 'ALL NEW', 'COMPLETELY NEW' or 'GREAT NEW' means the price went way up. <BR>	-- Hershiser's Third Rule
The label NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up. <BR>	-- Hershiser's Second Rule
Anything labelled NEW and/or IMPROVED isn't. <BR>	-- Hershiser's First Rule
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it. <BR>	-- Chisholms Law
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he's in need. <BR>	-- Cheit's Lament
In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the opposite end from the end at which you begin checking for errors. <BR>	-- Grelb's Law of Erroring
If it's good, they discontinue it. <BR>	-- Herblock's Law
If you buy some bananas before they are ripe, there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. <BR>	-- Banana Principle
The only new show worth watching will be cancelled. <BR>	-- Jones First Law of TV
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep. <BR>	-- Attwood's Law
You are never given enough time or money. <BR>	-- Lerman's Law of Technology Corollary
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. <BR>	-- Lerman's Law of Technology
Most people deserve one another. <BR>	-- Shirley's Law
All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. <BR>	-- Yeager's Law
1. If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics. <BR>	-- Modern Science Law
People will buy anything that's one to a customer. <BR>	-- Lewis' Law
The last person who quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. <BR>	-- Sixth Law of the Office
People are always available for work in the past tense. <BR>	-- Zymurgy's Law
If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it. <BR>	-- Hadley's Fourth Law of Shopping
If you like it, and it fits, you can't afford it. <BR>	-- Hadley's Third Law of Shopping
If you like it, and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. <BR>	-- Hadley's Second Law of Shopping
If you like it, they don't have it in your size. <BR>	-- Hadley's First Law of Shopping
All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out. <BR>	-- Corollary of Johnson's Law
If you miss one issue of a magazine it will be the issue which contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read. <BR>	-- Johnson's Law
The first bug to hit a clean windscreen lands directly in front your eyes. <BR>	-- Drew's Law
No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point from shore, the wind will die. <BR>	-- Deal's Second Law of Sailing
Everything goes wrong all at once. <BR>	-- Quantum Revision of Murphy's Law
The Traffic Light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. <BR>	-- McKee's Law
Envelopes which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to. <BR>	-- Fourth Law of the Office
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. <BR>	-- Third Law of the Office
The one drill bit you need will be the one missing from the tool chest. <BR>	-- First Law of the Workshop
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. <BR>	-- Grossman's Lemma
The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the greater the chance of failure. <BR>	-- Knagg's Derivative
Left over bolts never match left over nuts. <BR>	-- Workshop Principle
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. <BR>	-- Wethern's Law
He who shouts loudest has the floor. <BR>	-- Swipple Rule of Order
The one who snores will fall asleep first. <BR>	-- Bedfellow's Rule
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. <BR>	-- Law of Reruns
If you leave the room, you're elected. <BR>	-- Matilda's Law
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. <BR>	-- Third Rule of Fishing
You'll save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them. <BR>	-- Rule of Negative Anticipation
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. <BR>	-- Porkingham's Second Law
There is no such thing as a straight line. <BR>	-- The Ruler Rule
Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. <BR>	-- Pfeifer's Principle
You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge. <BR>	-- Whistler's Law
The client who pays the least complains the most. <BR>	-- Drew's Law
Forgive and remember. <BR>	-- Brock's Motto
A project will be authorised only when none of the authorisers can be blamed if the project fails but when all of the authorisers can claim credit if it succeeds. <BR>	-- Roger's Rule
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing. <BR>	-- Mollisom's Hypothesis
Whenever a superstar is traded to your favourite team, he fades. Whenever your team trades away a no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. <BR>	-- Knox's Principal
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. <BR>	-- Thom's Law of Marital Bliss
Some people manage by the book even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. <BR>	-- Fifth Law of Management
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. <BR>	-- Harrison's Postulate
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. <BR>	-- Hutchinson's Law
If you can actually remove the part, the replacement will be on backorder. <BR>	-- Automotive Repair Law 2
If you can get to the faulty part you don't have the tool to get it off. <BR>	-- Automotive Repair Law 1
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach. <BR>	-- Murray's Rule
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later. <BR>	-- Witten's Law
The longer you wait in line, the greater likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. <BR>	-- Queue Principle
You get the most of what you need the least. <BR>	-- Law of Gifts
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers. <BR>	-- Grossman's Misquote
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty. <BR>	-- Imbesi's Law ... but you can get everything dirty without getting anything cleanr. <BR>	-- Freeman's Extension
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking of them. <BR>	-- Edelstein's Advice
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damn foolproof. <BR>	-- Naeser's Law
A crisis is when you can't say 'let's forget the whole thing'. <BR>	-- Ferguson's Precept
If it was bad, it'll be back. <BR>	-- Grelb's Law
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. <BR>	-- Law of the Search
The one ingredient you make a special trip to the store to get will be the one your guest is allergic to. <BR>	-- Fourth Law of Kitchen Confusion
Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to to save it only makes it worse. <BR>	-- Second Law of Kitchen Confusion
You can always find what you're not looking for. <BR>	-- MaryAnn's Law
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. <BR>	-- Rune's Rule
It won't work. <BR>	-- Jenkinson's Law
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. <BR>	-- Barth's Distinction
To make an enemy, do someone a favour. <BR>	-- McLaughry's Codicil
Its morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. <BR>	-- Bill Jones Motto
The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office. <BR>	-- Selective Supervision Law
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. <BR>	--Arthur Kasspe
Auditors always reject any expense claim with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10. <BR>	-- O'Brien's Principal
The one you want is never the one on sale. <BR>	-- Bargain Basement Principle
The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising. <BR>	-- Juhani's Law
Government expands to absorb revenue... and then some. <BR>	-- Wiker's Law
A fool and your money are soon partners. <BR>	-- Mark's Law
Expenditure always rises to meet income. <BR>	-- Parkinson's Law
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. <BR>	-- Patton's Law
When in doubt, mingle. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. <BR>	-- Boren's Laws
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it. <BR>	-- Miller's Law
When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch. <BR>	-- Rule of The Great
The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so. <BR>	-- Law of Committee Dynamics
The cream rises to the top - so does the scum... <BR>	-- Wellington's Law of Command
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. <BR>	-- Shanahan's Law
What you don't do is always more important than what you do. <BR>	-- Worker's Dilemma #2
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. <BR>	-- Worker's Dilemma
Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference. <BR>	-- First Law of Debate
Its easier to get forgiveness than ask permission. <BR>	-- Stewarts Law of Retroaction
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. <BR>	-- Rule of Accuracy
The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake. <BR>	-- Young's Corollary
All great discoveries are made by mistake. <BR>	-- Youngs Law
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. <BR>	-- Maier's Law
Enough research will tend to support your theory. <BR>	-- Murphy's Law of Research
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you've finished with, you will need it again instantly. <BR>	-- Law of Annoyance
If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it. <BR>	-- Cooper's Law
Experience varies directly with the equipment ruined. <BR>	-- Horner's Postulate
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly at 4.40pm Friday. <BR>	-- Law of the Lost Inch
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would. <BR>	-- Evan's Law
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. <BR>	-- Schmidt's Law
Things get worse before they get better. Who said things would get better?  <BR>	-- Ehrman's Commentary
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. <BR>	-- Shaw's Principal
Anything that begins well, ends badly, Anything that begins badly, ends worse. <BR>	-- Pudder's Law
When you need to knock on wood is when you realise that the world is made of plastic and aluminium. <BR>	-- Flugg's Law
The secret of success is sincerity... once you can fake that, you've got it made. <BR>	-- Glyme's Formula
Whenever the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. <BR>	-- Airplane Law
Whatever happens, look as if you intended it to happen. <BR>	-- First Rule of Acting
Everyone has a scheme that will not work. <BR>	-- Howe's Law
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick. <BR>	-- Martial Arts Law 5
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat. <BR>	-- Martial Arts Law 4
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer. <BR>	-- Martial Arts Law 3
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score. <BR>	-- Martial Arts Law 2
The wimp who made it through the elimination round on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him. <BR>	-- Martial Arts Law 1
Nothing ever goes away. <BR>	-- Commoner's Law of Ecology
90% of everything is crud. <BR>	-- Sturgeon's Law
Negative expectations yield negative results, Positive expectations yield negative results. <BR>	-- Law of Expectations
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. <BR>	-- Issawi's Law of Progress
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. <BR>	-- Finagles First Law
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. <BR>	-- Law of Life's Highway
All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections. <BR>	-- Backpacker's Law
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. <BR>	-- Scott's Law
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. <BR>	-- Murphy's Sixth Corollary
Every solution breeds new problems. <BR>	-- Murphy's Fifth Corollary
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. <BR>	-- Murphy's Fourth Corollary
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. <BR>	-- Murphy's Third Corollary
Everything takes longer than you think. <BR>	-- Murphy's Second Corollary
Nothing is as easy as it looks. <BR>	-- Murphy's First Corollary
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man - he will find an easier way to do it. <BR>	-- Hlade's Law
There are some things which are impossible to know, but it is impossible to know which things they are. <BR>	-- Jaffe's Precept
The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want. <BR>	-- Second Law of Applied Terror
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible. <BR>	-- First Law of Applied Terror
People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity. <BR>	-- Perlsweig's Law
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. <BR>	-- Thal's Law
It's a simple task to make things more complex, but a complex task to make them simple. <BR>	-- Meyer's Law
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. <BR>	-- Truman's Law
All the good ones are taken. <BR>	-- Harris' Lament
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. <BR>	-- Ducharme's Precept
As soon as you mention something... if it's good, it goes away. <BR>	-- Unspeakable Law
It works better if you plug it in. <BR>	-- Sattinger's Law
The supplies necessary for yesterdays's work must be ordered no later than noon tomorrow. <BR>	-- Ordering Principle
It's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save that matters. <BR>	-- Paul's Law
No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil. <BR>	-- Bromberg's Second Auto Repair Law
When the need arises, any tool closest to you becomes a hammer. <BR>	-- Bromberg's Law of Auto Repair
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. <BR>	-- Murphy's Law of Multiples
If you explain so clearly that nobody can mis-understand, somebody will. <BR>	-- Chicholm's Second Corollary
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. <BR>	-- Murphy's Seventh Corollary
The first bug to hit a clean windshield always lands directly in front of the driver's eyes. <BR>	-- Drew's Law
The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost. <BR>	-- Rule of the Rally
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. <BR>	-- Zymurgy's Law
An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys. <BR>	-- Van Roy's Law
There's no time like the present to postpone what you don't want to do. <BR>	-- Hecht's Fourth Law
Nothing ever gets built on time and within budget. <BR>	-- Cheop's Law
Office machines which function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return to the office at night to use them for personal business. <BR>	-- Second Law of Office Murphology
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. <BR>	-- Law of the Office
If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. <BR>	-- Law of Shopping
Cleanliness is next to impossible. <BR>	-- O'Reilly's Law
Whenever in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. <BR>	-- Merkin's Maxim
The bigger they are, the harder they hit. <BR>	-- Perkin's Postulate
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. <BR>	-- Lewis' Law
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. <BR>	-- First Law of Bicycling
 <BR>	-- First Law of Travel It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost. <BR>	-- Gourd's Axiom
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. <BR>	-- Matz's Maxim
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool your Mum. <BR>	-- Captain Penny's Law
Never put off until tomorrow that which you could have forgotten about entirely. <BR>	-- Wade's Advice
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. <BR>	-- Finagle's 8th Rule
If the shoe fits - it's ugly. <BR>	-- Gold's Law
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. <BR>	-- Jones' Law
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. <BR>	-- Cole's Axiom
A child will not spill on a dirty floor. <BR>	-- Skoff's Law
The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. <BR>	-- Michael's Climbing Rule
The inside contact you just made at great expense is the first to person to be let go in any re-organisation. <BR>	-- Joe's Law
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to it's desirability. <BR>	-- Gumperson's Law
If you wait, it will go away. <BR>	-- Hellrung's Law ...having done it's damage  <BR>	-- Shavelson's Extension.
If you make Duck a l'Orange you'll be complimented on the peas. <BR>	-- Law of the Kitchen
All Finagle's Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking. <BR>	-- Wingo's Axiom
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. <BR>	-- Murphy's Constant
If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong. <BR>	-- The Last Law
The hidden flaw never remains hidden. <BR>	-- Law of Revelation
How long a minute is depends on which side of the Toilet Door you're on. <BR>	-- Ballance's Law
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. <BR>	-- Kitman's Law
The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be take by the person in front of you. <BR>	-- Cafeteria Law
Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody angry. <BR>	-- Third Queue Principle
If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in. <BR>	-- Second Queue Principle
The other line is always faster. <BR>	-- First Queue Principle
The most interesting specimen will not be labelled. <BR>	-- Jones Law of Museums
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. <BR>	-- Breda's Rule
Thinly sliced cabbage. <BR>	-- Cole's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. <BR>	-- Lowery's Law
The slowest checker is always at the express checkout lane. <BR>	-- Flugg's Rule
Hindsite is an exact science. <BR>	-- Fagin's Rule
If an item is advertised as under $40, you can bet it's not $9.95. <BR>	-- Christmas Shopping Axiom
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away If you throw it away, you will need it the next day. <BR>	-- Law of Ownership
Most simple assembly jobs require three hands. <BR>	-- Workshop Principle
If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place. <BR>	-- Campbell's Third Law of Auto Repair
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. <BR>	-- Collateral Corollary
All things being equal, you lose. <BR>	-- Todd's First Law
If you park 6 blocks away, you'll find two spaces right outside the building. <BR>	-- Lemar's Parking Postulate
Everyone lies, but it doesn't matter, as nobody listens. <BR>	-- Lieberman's Law
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. <BR>	-- Kovac's Conundrum
If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it!  <BR>	-- Boling's Postulate
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. <BR>	-- Devrie's Dilemma
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. <BR>	-- Lynch's Law
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. <BR>	-- Newton's Seventh Law
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday pray for crop failure. <BR>	-- Farmer's Law
A four hour staff meeting rarely accomplishes anything that a ten minute slap fight can't. <BR>	-- Thompson's Tattle
The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog. <BR>	-- Moer's Truism
If there is more than one way in which a system can operate, it will usually operate the wrong way. <BR>	-- Jam Side Down Theory
One's propensity to be appointed to non-paying positions of responsibility is inversely proportional to the size of one's bladder. <BR>	-- Swain's First Law of Organisation
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with theory. <BR>	-- Compensation Corollary
Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform, at any time, in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious. <BR>	-- Flaple's Law
It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. <BR>	-- Edsel Murphy
A flat file is not a list of apartments. <BR>	-- Euclid
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. <BR>	-- Coveyou's Claim
A committee is a body with 6 or more legs and no brain. <BR>	-- Lazarus' Lecture
If de-bugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. <BR>	-- Dykstra's Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. <BR>	-- Clarke's Third Law
There is no such thing as a large whisky. <BR>	-- Rev. Mahaffy's Observation
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. <BR>	-- Kyrie Liaison
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. <BR>	-- Gummidge's Law
The accessibility during recovery of small parts that fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway. <BR>	-- Spare Parts Corollary
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternate courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. <BR>	-- Rerdin's Law
Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon. <BR>	-- Timely Order Principle
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth. <BR>	-- Fitzgibbon's Law
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have got. <BR>	-- Finnegans Finagling Factor
By definition, when you are searching the unknown, you do not know what you will find. <BR>	-- The Ultimate Principle
If you dont know where you're going, any road will get you there. <BR>	-- Daniel's Theory
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why, then do it. <BR>	-- Longs Theory
One million times nothing is still nothing. <BR>	-- Porteous's Proposition
No experiment is ever a complete failure, it can always serve as a bad example. <BR>	-- Futility Factor
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. <BR>	-- Chisholm's Law
Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined. <BR>	-- Homer's Five Thumb Postulate
In any given set of circumstances, events will combine to provide the maximum amount of inconvenience. <BR>	-- Sod's Law
When all else fails, read the Instructions. <BR>	-- Allen's Axiom
The spaghetti always wins. <BR>	-- Vernon's Law
Quit when you're still behind. When you're in a hole, don't dig. <BR>	-- Salinger's Law
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. <BR>	-- Finagle's Law
The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train. <BR>	-- The Point of No Return Law
A collision at sea can ruin your entire day. <BR>	-- Horwitz's First Law of the Admiralty
The probability of an event occurring is proportional to its desirability. <BR>	-- Gusterman's Law
Attila the Hun came from a broken home. <BR>	-- Andrew's Deduction
Never, ever, eat prunes when you're hungry. <BR>	-- Schmidt's Law
Anything that fails will fail in the manner most difficult to explain. <BR>	-- Second Corollary to Corrigan's Theory
One good turn gets most of the blanket. <BR>	-- Ellenberg's Theory
The leak in the roof is never in the same place as the hole. <BR>	-- Cannon's Comment
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it darn well pleases. <BR>	-- Yale Law
Don't force it; get a larger hammer. <BR>	-- Anthony's Law of Force
If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower. <BR>	-- Martha's Maxim
If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. <BR>	-- Patrice's Theorem
Nothing is important for the person who doesn't have to do it for themself. <BR>	-- Weiler's Law
The simplest explanation of any phenomenon is usually the correct one. <BR>	-- Occam's Theory
Never, ever, play leapfrog with a Unicorn!  <BR>	-- Feldstein's Law
Whoever has the Gold makes the Rules. <BR>	-- The Golden Rule
Things get worse under pressure. <BR>	-- Murphys Law of Thermodynamics
If something can go wrong, it will. <BR>	-- Murphys Law
For anything that requires reasonable security, the era of passwords is over. <BR>	-- Bruce Schneier, CRYPTO-GRAM, April 15, 2005
Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. <BR>	-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. <BR>	-- The Law of Volunteering
Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away. <BR>	-- English proverb
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. <BR>	-- Spike Milligan
Computerworld:  What will be the largest cyber-threats to freedom and 	        privacy in the future? Bruce Schneier: Government. And criminals.
A: Yes. > Q: Are you sure? >>A: Because it reverses the logical flow of conversation. >>>Q: Why is top posting frowned upon?
The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing. <BR>	-- Jean Baptiste Colbert
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. <BR>	-- Rob Pike (circa 1991)
Object-oriented design is the roman numerals of computing. <BR>	-- Rob Pike
There's no such thing as a simple cache bug. <BR>	-- Rob Pike
Caches aren't architecture, they're just optimization. <BR>	-- Rob Pike
Sockets are the X windows of IO interfaces. <BR>	-- Rob Pike
Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks. <BR>	-- Rob Pike (on the X Window System)
Unix never says "please."  <BR>	-- Rob Pike
Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by Perl. <BR>	-- Rob Pike (on one tool for one job)
If we had named "Kentucky Fried Chicken", it would have been "Hot Dead Birds". <BR>	-- Vinton Cerf (of TCP/IP fame, on engineers' flair for brand names)
A Singapore Airways flight from Singapore to London carrying 178 passengers made an emergency landing in New Delhi, India, after a package containing a toothbrush sparked a bomb scare. You see why the crew was frightened, they're British, they've never seen a toothbrush before. <BR>	-- Jay Leno, U.S. talk show host, 2002
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
A bachelor is like a new detergent, works fast and leaves no ring. <BR>	-- Terry Canterbury
10 fingers... 10 toes. Aw, crap!  I'm metric!  <BR>	-- Brad Osberg
Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian cat away from being the villain in a James Bond movie. <BR>	-- Dennis Miller
Did you know that if you play a Windows Vista CD backwards, you will hear the voice of Satan?  That's nothing!  If you play it forward, it'll install Windows Vista.
How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?  <BR>	-- Al Gore (on the Y2K problem)
If rebooting to solve software problems had been unacceptable to the Windows using community, Microsoft would not exist today. <BR>	-- Carol Spears
If the designers of X-Windows built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that. <BR>	-- Marus J. Ranum
I love the way Microsoft follows standards. In much the same manner that fish follow migrating caribou. <BR>	-- Paul Tomblin
I may have invented it, but Bill (Gates) made it famous. <BR>	-- David Bradley (inventor of the Ctrl-Alt-Del keystroke combination)
In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable. Then how come people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished?  <BR>	-- Hasse Skrifvars
I note that Bill Gates of Microsoft has paid an extraordinarily large sum for Leonardo da Vinci's Codex. The rumour is he intends to sue for the basic patents on the siege engine and then create a new kind of war which will run twice as slowly as the original, cost four times as much, stop for no readily apparent reason at regular intervals and need to be re-started from scratch twice a day but will nevertheless become industry standard. <BR>	-- csugq@csv.warwick.ac.uk
In the years since the start of what was first called the Microsoft Network, Mr. Gates has tried dozens of different business models, from Internet access to Web sites to monthly software subscriptions. They all had one thing in common: they lost money. <BR>	-- Saul Hansell
It seems the only aspect of Microsoft Windows Vista which scales well is the price. <BR>	-- (adapted from) Need To Know
I was going to compile a list of innovations that could be attributed to Microsoft. Once I realized that Ctrl-Alt-Del was handled in the BIOS, I found that there aren't any. <BR>	-- Richard B. Johnson
My other computer is your Windows box. <BR>	-- Nils Vogels
Now if Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed.... Oh. He does!
Our technology, at this point, is way better in terms of how few defects we have. Compare, say, with Linux -- how many defects we have, how quickly we fix those defects, how our system is for getting the updates out for those defects. Take those objective criteria and we are better. <BR>	-- Bill Gates
So it is that Microsoft, by refusing to secure almost half of its installed desktop base, is trying to force ... customers to upgrade to XP. I guess since Microsoft can no longer offer the carrot of Longhorn, it's now using the whip of poor security. <BR>	-- Steven J. Vaughan-Nichols
That's what I love about GUIs: They make simple tasks easier, and complex tasks impossible. <BR>	-- John William Chambless
The first rule of any technology used in a business is that automation applied to an efficient operation will magnify the efficiency. The second is that automation applied to an inefficient operation will magnify the inefficiency. <BR>	-- Bill Gates
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams
The nice thing about Windows is -- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first. <BR>	-- Arno Schaefer
The only thing Microsoft has done for society is make people believe that computers are inherently unreliable. <BR>	-- Bradford L. Barrett
The only thing that I'd rather own than Windows is English, because then I could charge you two hundred and forty-nine dollars for the right to speak it. <BR>	-- Scott McNealy
The ordinary person is like an ordinary eighteenth-century piece of farm equipment -- say, a wheelbarrow. He operates without much self-awareness. He will know he is in need of repair when his wheel falls off. But the hypochondriac is like a wheelbarrow designed by Microsoft. He has constant two-way communication between his body and himself. He is trying to perform ordinary tasks, such as lumbering up a hill with a load of fertilizer, when suddenly an icon flashes to tell him that rust has been detected on the starboard cotter pin. <BR>	-- Gene Weingarten
There never was a chip, it is said, that Bill Gates couldn't slow down with a new batch of features. <BR>	-- James Coates
The WWW is exciting because Microsoft doesn't own it, and therefore, there's a tremendous amount of innovation happening. <BR>	-- Steve Jobs
This summer Microsoft is going to introduce the first portable toilet with Internet access. You know why it's the first? Because nobody wants a toilet with Internet access. What is that? Is that really the future? Remember, we thought it would be flying cars, now it's an outhouse you can plug in. <BR>	-- Jay Leno
Too many "innovators", especially in the U.S., are resting on their laurels collecting government monopoly profits. At least Microsoft got their monopolies with good old-fashioned misleading marketing, channel strong-arm tactics, and predatory pricing. They worked for it!  <BR>	-- Geoff Parker
Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows (also known as the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly). <BR>	-- Matt Welsh
We're obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself. <BR>	-- Jim Allchin, Microsoft executive
We think our software is far more secure than open-source software. It is more secure because we stand behind it, we fixed it, because we built it. Nobody ever knows who built open-source software. <BR>	-- Steve Ballmer
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*". <BR>	-- Linus Torvalds
Windows 98 (n): 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition. <BR>	-- Stan Brown
Windows supports general-purpose non-Microsoft applications in the same way that a rope can be said to support someone who will be soon hanged. <BR>	-- Jeff Holtzman UNIX/LINUX Quotes
A big reason that UNIX administration is challenging is that every UNIX vendor believes standards are for weak-minded fools. <BR>	-- Ray
A UNIX signature isn't a return address, it's the ASCII equivalent of a black velvet clown painting. It's a rectangle of carets surrounding a quote from a literary giant of weeniedom like Heinlein or Dr. Who.
Even if you have carefully followed the configuration procedures outlined in this guide, there is still no guarantee that your Solaris installation will proceed smoothly. <BR>	-- Solaris (UNIX) 2.5 configuration guide
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a UNIX user to show you how it's done. <BR>	-- Scott Adams
Let's face facts: J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" books are responsible for more loser circle jerks than Playboy, "Baywatch" and Linux combined. As most people know, the series was the inspiration for the game Dungeons and Dragons, which inspired misfits worldwide to walk around with little felt bags of twenty-sided dice, discussing their imaginary lives as ax-wielding dwarves to anybody who would listen. <BR>	-- Mr. Cranky
Unix? You can get a less powerful system, but it will cost you more.
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. <BR>	-- System V.2 administrator's guide
Sigh. I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be on the "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice. <BR>	-- Craig E. Groeschel
The irony is that Perl itself is a subset of UNIX features condensed into a quick-and-dirty scripting language. In a literary light, if UNIX is the Great Novel, Perl is the Cliffs Notes. <BR>	-- Thomas Scoville
The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected. <BR>	-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
Those who do not understand UNIX are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. <BR>	-- Henry Spencer
UNIX gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure. <BR>	-- Eric Allman
UNIX is like a toll road on which you have to stop every 50 feet to pay another nickel. But hey! You only feel 5 cents poorer each time. <BR>	-- Larry Wall
UNIX is like sex: If you don't know it, you don't miss is. But if you know it, you'll need it. <BR>	-- Lars Eilebrecht
UNIX is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.
UNIX: It's not just 'User-Unfriendly', it's 'Proactively User-Hostile'!
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmer's Manual. <BR>	-- Andrew Hume
We know Linux is the best, it can do infinite loops in five seconds. <BR>	-- Linus Torvalds
"I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?"  <BR>	-- Tom Clancy.
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."  <BR>	-- Peter Kaye.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."  <BR>	-- George W. Bush
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
A bad plan is better than no plan.
A day for firm decisions!  Or is it?
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
A gentleman is a patient wolf.
A good pun is its own reword.
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
Batteries not included.
Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.
Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
Be naughty - save santa the trip.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
Best viewed on my computer.
Better late than really late.
Biology grows on you.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Clones are people two.
Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
Don't let yesterday take up to much of today.
Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
Earth first!  (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Examine what is said, not who speaks.
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Failure teaches success.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
Friendly fire - isn't.
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
Frog blast the vent core!
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in kansas anymore.
Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
Hey!  It compiles!  Ship it!
Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex?  What, you don't like pizza?
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
I can't spell and beer doesn't help.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I have a strong will but a weak won't.
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I'd buy you a drink, but i'd be jealous of the straw.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.
If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.
If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue?  Think about it!
If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.
Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
It's like deja vu all over again.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's people that give drinking a bad name.
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Life exists for no known purpose.
Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.
Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
Life's a bleach and then you dye.
Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
Logic is in the eye of the logician.
Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Lunix... Because i'm better than you.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No-one suspects the butterfly!
Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Rehab is for quitters.
Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Spelling is a lossed art.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
The Killer Ducks are coming!
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best things in life aren't things.
The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
The future will be better tomorrow.
The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
The only certain thing in life is death.
The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
There is no time like the pleasant.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Think much, Speak little, Write less.
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
To generalize is to be an idiot.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Too much of everything is just enough.
Tracers work both ways.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
Welcome what you can't avoid.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
When I was young I was told that anyone could be Prime Minister. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
When all else fails, admit i'm right and kiss my ass.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
With a rubber duck, you're never alone.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You don't have to explain something you never said.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
When in doubt, get a bigger hammer.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
Are you afraid to die, or afraid to live?
Don't test for errors that you can't handle.
Short term memory is always the first to go.
#define struct union /* Reduce memory usage */
Seven Deadly Sins?  I thought it was a to-do list!
I'll get you, my pretty...and your little dog too!
I live the way I type: fast, with lots of mistakes.
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then it exploded.
Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your children.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
The steady state of disks is full. <BR>	--Ken Thompson
Russia: Where Russians are sent to die  <BR>	--The Onion
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
A pizza of radius z and thickness a has a volume of pi z z a
Real Daleks don't climb stairs - they level the building.
Four-state logic: yes, no, maybe and maybe not  <BR>	--Art Ng
History is made at night!  Character is what you are in the dark.
I have not lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere.
The faster we go, the rounder we get. <BR>	--The Grateful Dead
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. <BR>	--Wolfgang Pauli
Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. <BR>	--Ford Prefect
"Hello," he lied. <BR>	--Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
We are faced with insurmountable opportunities. <BR>	--Yogi Berra
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. <BR>	--Spanish proverb
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. <BR>	--Kronecker
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. <BR>	--Don Vonada
When in doubt, hold onto your altitude. No one ever crashed into the sky.
You know, I've read some of those fiction books. They just make stuff up!
Law of Software Envelopment: Every program expands until it can read mail.
I've known many IT shops where the backups worked better than the restores.
It's not that your life is so short, it's just that you're dead for so long.
Every man is as God made him; ay, and often worse. <BR>	--Miguel de Cervantes
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. <BR>	--Abbie Hoffman
I could show you my favorite... obsession. <BR>	--The Rocky Horror Picture Show
And the mark of the beast was 666. Which meant everyone could read and write his file.
Infertility is hereditary: if your parents didn't have any children, you won't either.
Discipline is always a means to an end, never an end in itself. <BR>	--King Crimson
The official secrets act protects officials, not secrets. <BR>	--Yes, Prime Minister
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. <BR>	--Dr. Who
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured in billigrahams.
English has one inflected adjective: blond/blonde. <BR>	--Bill Bryson
Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps. <BR>	--Emo Philips
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. <BR>	--Steven Wright
Of course, that was long ago, but at the time it seemed like the present. <BR>	--P. Steiner
You Only Received One Set of Eyeballs?  <BR>	--Sam's Laser FAQ: Introduction to Laser Safety
Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box. <BR>	--Italian proverb
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. <BR>	--Joan Rivers
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Control is an illusion, order our comforting lie. From chaos, through chaos, into chaos we fly.
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition - if they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
If you think you have things under control, you're not going fast enough. <BR>	--Mario Andretti
Eventually, primitive life develops, and then shopping malls. <BR>	--J. A. Paulos, on evolution
Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; all else is opinion. <BR>	--Democritus, ca. 400 BCE
No no no. Don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to. <BR>	--Buckaroo Banzai
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is Enemy Action. <BR>	--Auric Goldfinger
There are two kinds of cookies - chocolate-chip cookies - cookies deficient in chocolate chips
It isn't the stuff we don't know. It is the stuff we know that just ain't so. <BR>	--Josh Billings
If you believe in strong AI, then death is no longer a mystery, but merely a lack of adequate backups.
Sex among humans, as among most mammals, is accomplished with a certain amount of biting and scratching.
The Microsoft tax isn't the money you pay them. It's the time you spend coping with their wretched software.
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. <BR>	--Collis P. Huntingdon
Never put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. <BR>	--Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. <BR>	--Egyptian Book of the Dead
I've been aware of the time going by; they say in the end, it's the blink of an eye. <BR>	--Jackson Browne
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. <BR>	--Heinlein
The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it like that of wrestling with a fine woman. <BR>	--Lord Halifax
Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine. My sins are my own: they belong to me. <BR>	--Patty Smith
If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers. <BR>	--Thomas Pynchon
It's rare that you're presented with a knob whose only two positions are Make History and Flee Your Glorious Destiny.
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. <BR>	--G. M. Weilacher
If you eat a live frog first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. <BR>	--Eugene P. Gallagher
Did you hear the cops finally busted Madame Marie for tellin' fortunes better than they do?  <BR>	--Bruce Springsteen
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
The more accurate the calculations became, the more the concepts tended to vanish into thin air. <BR>	--R. S. Mulliken
You're young, you're drunk, you're in bed, you've got knives; shit happens. <BR>	--Angelina Jolie, on body modification
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. <BR>	--Susan Ertz
Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have everyone else mirror it. <BR>	--Linus Torvalds
Big fleas have little fleas on their backs to bite 'em, And little fleas have littler still And so on, ad infinitum.
The purpose of the office of the president is not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. <BR>	--Douglas Adams
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 1012 to 1. <BR>	--Ernest Rutherford
Linux per se is not a specific set of ones and zeroes, but a self-organizing Net subculture. <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
The essence of XML is this: the problem it solves is not hard, and it does not solve the problem well. <BR>	--Simeon/Wadler
Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. <BR>	--Gene Fowler
Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. <BR>	--Eric Clapton
Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. <BR>	--Mike Adams
At a certain raw motivational level, my primary use of the voicemail system is to make the little red light on my telephone go out.
Beneath this stone a virgin lies, For her life held no terrors. A virgin born, a virgin died: No hits, no runs, no errors.
When your client's hopping mad Put his picture in the ad. If he still should prove refractory, add a picture of his factory.
This License explicitly affirms your unlimited permission to run the unmodified Program. <BR>	--The GNU General Public License, v3
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. <BR>	--Fred Allen
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. <BR>	--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"  <BR>	--Steven Wright
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. <BR>	--Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
If one gave me six lines written by the hand of the most honest man, I would find something in them to have him hanged. <BR>	--Cardinal Richelieu
A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. <BR>	--Benoit Mandelbrot
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the firepower to make the difference.
Rather than feeling vulnerable in the presence of powerful authorities, they feel safer. <BR>	--John Dean, on people who follow authoritarian leaders
Though I fly through the valley of death I shall fear no evil for I am at 80,000 feet and climbing. <BR>	--sign over the entrance to SR-71 operations
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. <BR>	--Lew Mammel, Jr.
Remember: wherever you go, there you are. <BR>	--Buckaroo Banzai
You must license the entire work, as a whole, under this License to anyone who comes into possession of a copy. <BR>	--The GNU General Public License, v3
Unix... is not so much a product as it is a painstakingly compiled oral history of the hacker subculture. It is our Gilgamesh epic. <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. <BR>	--Alan McKay
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. <BR>	--Sinclair Lewis
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall...
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. <BR>	--Antoine de Saint-Exupery
space opera: a subgenre of adventure SF where men are heroic, women are beautiful, monsters are monstrous, and spaceships make whooshing sounds in hard vacuum.
People who are great at something are not so much convinced of their own greatness as mystified at why everyone else seems so incompetent. <BR>	--Paul Graham
You can fall for chains of silver; You can fall for chains of gold; You can fall for pretty strangers, And the promises they hold  <BR>	--Mark Knopfler
Properly defined, privacy is the subjective condition people experience when they have power to control information about themselves. <BR>	--The CATO Institute
The systematic restraints on curiosity about sex maintain sexual ignorance, and where people are ignorant, they are manipulable. <BR>	--SAMOIS, Coming To Power
Display the things that you value in yourself, and you will attract people who also value those things. It works for finding jobs, and it works for finding mates.
Now I don't know, but I been told In the heat of the sun a man died of cold. Keep on coming or stand and wait, with the sun so dark and the hour so late...
Probability factor of one to one. We have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem. <BR>	--The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
We'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere... and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys.
The optimist sees that the glass is half full. The pessimist sees that the glass is half empty. The engineer sees that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
We pray for one last landing On the globe that gave us birth; Let us rest our eyes on fleecy skies And the cool, green hills of Earth. <BR>	--Robert A. Heinlein
The word is the only system of encoding thoughts - the only medium - that refuses to dissolve in the devouring torrent of electronic media. <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?
You said they couldn't swim. No. I said they aren't adapted for swimming. And they aren't. I see. Is there anything else they aren't adapted for that I should know about?
...jacked into a custom cyberspace deck that projected his disembodied consciousness into the consensual hallucination that was the matrix... <BR>	--William Gibson, Neuromancer
T: One big monster, he called TROLL. He don't rock, and he don't roll; Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. <BR>	--The Roguelet's ABC
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who are intensely, obsessively, driven to have sex...and those who are not. We are all children of the first kind.
Oh, my baby, when you're cryin' Never hide your face from me I have conquered hell and driven out the demons I have come with the light to set you free  <BR>	--Mindy Smith
Disney does mediated experiences better than anyone. If they understood what OSes are, and why people use them, they could crush Microsoft in a year or two. <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
Our current obsession with creativity is the result of our continued striving for immortality in an era when most people no longer believe in an afterlife. <BR>	--Arianna Huffington
Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming: Any sufficiently-complicated C or Fortran program contains an ad-hoc, informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation of half of Common Lisp.
I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. <BR>	--Pete Seeger
There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain. <BR>	--Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
Twenty years ago, I never would've believed that we'd have a black, female Secretary of State, much less one who was a conservative warmonger, too. We've come a long way. <BR>	--The Onion
Very few upgrades are [...] clean and simple. Crappy old OSes have value in the basically negative sense that changing to new ones makes us wish we'd never been born. <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when was the last time you needed one?  <BR>	--Peter van der Linded
The fossil record - the La Brea Tar Pit - of software technology is the Internet. Anything that shows up there is free for the taking (possibly illegal, but free). <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
What nature refused to do for them they simply did without until such time as they were able to rectify the gross anatomical inconveniences with surgery. <BR>	--The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Two arbitrageurs are walking down the street. "Look!" exclaims one. "There's a $100 bill lying on the ground."  "Nonsense," replies the other. If there were, someone would already have picked it up.
It was the kind of place where a state legislator could actually say, "If the English language was good enough for our Lord Jesus Christ, it's good enough for our school children."  <BR>	--John Perry Barlow
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. <BR>	--Niels Bohr
Beyond ego, beyond personality, beyond awareness, he moved...grace of the mind-body interface granted him, in that second, by the clarity and singleness of his wish to die. <BR>	--William Gibson, Neuromancer
Should we throw another human wave of structural engineers at stabilizing the Leaning Tower of Pisa, or should we just let the damn thing fall over and build a tower that doesn't suck?  <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
In the GNU/Linux world there are two major text editing programs: the minimalist vi...and the maximalist emacs. I use emacs, which might be thought of as a thermonuclear word processor. <BR>	--Neal Stephenson
The four freedoms: 0. to run the program for any purpose 1. to study and adapt the program 2. to redistribute copies of the program 3. to improve the program, and release your improvements to the public
More than iron, more than lead, more than gold, I need electricity. I need it more than I need lamb or pork or lettuce or cucumber. I need it for my dreams. <BR>	--Racter (a program that sometimes writes poetry)
Gollum used to wear it at first, till it tired him; and then he kept it in a pouch next his skin, till it galled him; and now usually he hid it in a hole in the rock on his island, and was always going back to look at it. <BR>	--J.R.R. Tolkien
At the mention of ugly source code, people will of course think of Perl. But the superficial ugliness of Perl is not the sort I mean. Real ugliness is not harsh-looking syntax, but having to build programs out of the wrong concepts. <BR>	--Paul Graham
Since, therefore, the substance of the mind has been found to be extraordinarily mobile, it must consist of particles exceptionally small and smooth and round. This discovery, my dear fellow, will prove a timely aid to you in many problems. <BR>	--Lucretius
Her mind is Tiffany twisted; She's got the Mercedes bends. She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys That she calls friends. How they dance in the courtyard: Sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember; Some dance to forget. <BR>	--Don Henley
Bill Clinton delivered eight years of peace and prosperity, and a highly entertaining sex scandal besides. It wasn't enough. Americans were anxious; worse, they were bored. George Bush delivered four years of war and poverty, and we reelected him. God help us all.
>From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river Winds somewhere safe to sea. <BR>	--Swinburne
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. <BR>	--Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. <BR>	--Charles Babbage
A plain bar of iron is worth $5, but made into horse shoes it is worth $25; made into kitchen cutlery it is worth $250; made into needles it is worth $3,500; and made into balance springs for watches, it is worth $250,000. The finer the workmanship, the greater the value.
Image data should be written in top-to-bottom scanline order. The JPEG spec contains some weasel wording about how top and bottom are application-defined terms, but if you want your files to be compatible with everyone else's, you WILL use top-to-bottom order. <BR>	--from the IJG JPEG library documentation
The badness scale (how bad you want it) 0. No way!  1. I don't really want it, I just like to think about it. 2. Be careful what you wish for... 3. Only a little 4. Some 5. A lot 6. A whole lot 7. Really, really, really! 8. I'm burning with desire. 9. It's an incessant, gnawing hunger.
Now, suppose an election held using your [direct recording electronic voting] machine indicates 15,000 Republicrat votes and 0 (that's zero, as in none at all) for the Democrans. That's a possible, but unlikely outcome. How will you demonstrate that your machine correctly counted each voter's choice?  <BR>	--Ed Nisley, 2001 April
Say introduces a report of what someone said; like introduces a performance of it - a question of showing rather than telling. It's a convenient distinction to have in colloquial speech. The only question is why English should suddenly feel the need of the device, after a thousand years of making do without it. <BR>	--Geoffrey Nunberg
It's more or less immaterial whether your Artist creates because of a liking for Deluxe Designer Universes or merely because of a liking for caffeine. The simple fact is, we have Artists, and they do Art. We just have to deal with it. We really do. You can make life miserable for the Artist, but the Artist has ways of getting revenge. <BR>	--Larry Wall
Programming is costly and unpredictable compared to many other activities, and the resulting code is often less than 100% reliable. Programming is labor-intensive and - for a variety of reasons - most serious project delays manifest themselves by code not being ready to ship. So, why not eliminate programming as an activity altogether?  <BR>	--Bjarne Stroustrup
The conception of the objective reality of the elementary particles has thus evaporated in a curious way, not into the fog of some new, obscure, or not yet understood reality concept, but into the transparent clarity of a mathematics that represents no longer the behavior of the elementary particles but rather our knowledge of this behavior. <BR>	--Werner Heisenberg
I have long argued that the entertainment industry doesn't want people to have computers. Computers give users too much capability, too much flexibility, too much freedom. The entertainment industry wants users to sit back and consume things. They are trying to turn a computer into an Internet Entertainment Platform, along the lines of a television or VCR. <BR>	--Bruce Schneier
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I love acting. It is so much more real than life. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Health is worth more than learning. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
I don't think of the past. The only thing that matters is the everlasting present. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Any sufficiently advanced read/write technology will get used for two purposes: pornography and activism. Porn is a weak test for the success of participatory media - it's like tapping a mike and asking, "Is it on?" If you're not getting porn in your system, it doesn't work. Activism is a stronger test - if activists are using your tools, it's a pretty good indication that your tools are useful and usable. <BR>	-- Ethan Zuckerman
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams
BSD is for people who love UNIX and Linux is for people who hate Windows.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here". The Higgs Boson then replies "but without me, how could you have mass?"
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!" Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "I'll have some H2O too." The second scientist dies.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies "yes".
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything".
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. Cop pulled him over and says "Son, do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg said "No, but I knew where I was."
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here." He doesn't react.
I tried to catch some fog. I missed.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.
I'm reading about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
People who talk don't know, people who know don't talk.