sex_education_season1_scripts.txt

Ooh, yeah Whoo! Do you like my tits? Yeah Hello? Tits! Yeah.
I love your tits.
Do you wanna come on them? Sure.
Let me just get this off.
Actually, don't.
I got a rash last time.
Let's do it from behind.
Okay.
Hey, child Mm! Don't hurt me, don't hurt me, child [MOANING] I'm gonna come.
Are you gonna come? [WOMAN MOANS] [CRIES OUT] Mm! [GROANS] [SIGHS] - [SIGHS] - Did you just fake it? Don't be stupid.
- [SIGHS] - [LATEX SNAPS] - Why are you staring? - Show me the condom.
No way.
Where's the spunk, Adam? [SOFT GUITAR SONG PLAYS] I've got secrets I don't know if I can tell you I've got things to show That no one's ever seen I've got habits that are hard to break - I swear each mornin', when I wake - [ALARM BEEPING] Today's the day I'm comin' clean 'Cause I've got dreams that might not Come to any kind of fruition [SIGHS] I've got cracks in my facade I may fall between I've got pictures In the dresser drawer I whisper to the bedroom door Today's the day I'm comin' clean I'm comin' clean - [DOOR OPENS] - [YELPS] Whoa, there.
[CHUCKLES] This is not the bathroom.
Sorry, man.
I'm very sorry.
I'm, uh - Uh - Sleeping with my mother? Correct.
[CHUCKLES] Awkward.
I'm Dan.
- And you are - Otis.
Ah Don't worry.
Left-handed.
- First door on your left.
- [WHISPERS] Cheers, dude.
[SIGHS] - Morning, darling.
- Morning.
- Coffee? - I've got some.
Toast? Um Maybe Uh, I've got clients in a few minutes.
Oh, Otis, this is, um [BOTH] We've met.
- Coffee? - [DAN] Oh, yes, please.
[SIGHS] How old are you, Dan? How old am I Uh, I'm 32.
You having some kind of preemptive midlife crisis? - Otis - Mum, he rides a motorbike.
I'll take you for a ride in it, if you like? [OTIS CHUCKLES] No, thanks.
Do you have an Oedipal complex? As in, you mean do I wanna have sex with my mum? - Mm.
- Uh, not really.
- It's not really my thing, that.
- Just ignore him.
He's teasing you.
Otis, it's perfectly normal for a younger man to be sexually attracted to a mature woman.
In fact, when you stigmatize his choice, then you feed into an unhealthy narrative on masculinity in middle age.
That's why I say you should never date a shrink, huh? [CHUCKLES] Sex and relationship therapist, thank you very much.
[KNOCK AT DOOR] That's me.
Yeah, I should probably, uh, shoot off as well.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
- Mm-hm.
- [DAN] Um Thanks for everything, Mum.
Uh, Jean.
Jean.
Definitely Jean.
Okay.
[SIGHS] - Hopefully see you again, then, dude.
- Yeah.
Unlikely.
Your mum's new boyfriend is a big hot sticky wet dream.
[OTIS] Yeah.
Mum doesn't do boyfriends.
Ah-ah! Are those the ones that like to do it in animal costumes? [OTIS] No, he wants her to wear a strap-on.
She's not really into it.
It's a classic power dynamic issue.
Aww! I wish my mum was a sex guru.
Trust me, you don't.
["LOVE YOU SO BAD" PLAYING] Marjorie how are you getting on with your penis? - I'm not hating it.
- [JEAN] Fantastic.
Okay, let's proceed.
[OTIS' FRIEND] So, did you do it? Don't tell me you choked again.
Ha-ha! - You didn't even try.
- I've given up.
It's too much.
I don't I don't wanna talk about it.
I mean, what exactly is the problem here? I mean, can you even get a hard-on? Of course I can.
I'm not a fucking eunuch, all right? I just I wait for them to go away.
I don't like how it feels.
Can we drop it now, please? No offense, but that is super weird.
Super weird.
[LAUGHING] Wah, wah, wah, wah-wah-wah Wah, wah [LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] [FRIEND CONTINUES LAUGHING] Wah-wah-wah, wah, wah Wah, wah, wah, wah-wah-wah Wah, wah Wah, so bad Oh Wah, wah, wah Wah, wah, wah [GASPS LOUDLY] Oh, my God, the Untouchables have a car.
Just when you thought they couldn't get any more elusive, now they have wheels! You reckon Anwar's been workin' out? He's lookin' extra tight.
[OTIS] Just because he's the only other gay in our year, - it doesn't mean you have to fancy him.
- Yeah, correction.
Only other gay we know of.
Could be anywhere.
What are you lookin' at, El Pervo? Did you hear that? He spoke to me! With actual words! He called you a Spanish pervert.
Oh, this is gonna be such a good year! I can feel it! - Is that Tom Baker? - Yup.
Captain of the Warhammer Society.
His balls finally dropped.
Yeah, I keep telling you, man, everyone has had sex over the summer.
- Everyone except you.
- And you.
Excuse me, I gave two and a half hand jobs to that guy I met in Butlin's.
- Why the half? - We got interrupted.
Stupid surprise karaoke.
Still, not exactly a player.
Yeah, at least I can touch my own penis.
I'm worried about you, man.
Like, look around.
Everybody's either thinking about shagging, about to shag, or actually shagging, and you can't even jack your beanstalk.
- I've got plenty of time.
- Mm, I don't know, man.
Everything's changing round here, and it's changing fast.
Case in point, even Maeve Wiley's boobs have gotten bigger, which I thought was technically impossible.
[OTIS] They look the same to me.
I heard she bit Simon Furthassle on the scrote, and now, it's all wonky.
- Like a discount avocado.
- I don't think that's true.
[OTIS' FRIEND] I heard she sucked off 12 guys in ten minutes for a dare.
- [OTIS] That's definitely not true.
- What a slag.
Look at that greasy hair.
Maybe she can't afford shampoo.
- Or deodorant.
- [OTIS' FRIEND] Told you.
She's basically a nympho.
This is a new frontier, my sexually repressed friend.
Our chance to finally move up the social food chain.
We shall transform from lowly caterpillars into awesome killer whales.
Do we have to? Prepare for the best two years of our lives.
[CHUCKLING] [PLAYING "JERUSALEM" OFF-KEY] I'm sorry.
Thank you, Eric, for that rendition of the school anthem.
It was adequate.
So, just a few things to get us started.
The toilet block behind the gymnasium is full of asbestos, so, please, keep out.
Running in the corridors is the scourge - Told you not to do it.
- I wanted to impress Swing Band.
[HEADMASTER] the story of James Cairney and the pencil.
I have spoken to his mother.
He, uh, has recovered.
However, the mental scars still remain.
A lesson for us all.
Calmly moving on.
It is my great pleasure to introduce to you our brand-new head boy Jackson Marchetti.
[CHEERING] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS] [OVERLAPPING CHEERS] Whoo! We are taking over.
[CHEERING] Hi, Adam.
- Good summer? - Shut the fuck up, Tromboner.
Give me what you've got.
- What's in the bag? - My lunch.
You know that, because you always eat it.
- I think you forgot something.
- It's just a pencil case.
Don't give a fuck about your pencil case.
Curly Wurly.
Come on, man.
Not my Curly Wurly.
Give me that Curly Wurly or I will break your face.
Okay.
Aah! Yeah, see you tomorrow.
Shit biscuit.
- Are you a complete moron? - [OTIS] No, I'm not.
[MAEVE] That was a rhetorical question.
- Here.
- Don't touch my shit.
- Just trying to help.
- Don't.
Guys! You're not supposed to run in the hallway.
It was my fault.
Fuck off, snowflake.
Nice rack, Wiley.
[LAUGHTER] Are you going to write me up? I'll let you off.
This time.
I'm eternally grateful for your kindness.
Actually, on second thought Head Boys notoriously peak too early.
I'd watch out, if I were you.
Oh, yeah? [ADAM] I said, nice rack, Wiley.
[LAUGHTER] - Say that again.
- Nice ra - [GRUNTS] - [GROANS] You did kind of deserve that, man.
Settle down, class.
Settle down.
Thank you.
[CLAPS HANDS] Ahh! We're jumping straight in to the romantic world of the immortal Bard.
Shakespeare, obviously.
This year's first assignment will be on As You Like It.
Set in the fictional forest of Arden.
Uh, nice of you to join us, Adam.
Uh, you'll be doing presentations on Shakespeare's relationship with love and disguise.
The person you are sat next to now will be your partner for the project.
So if you just look at your sheets, you're gonna go through all the five points.
I want you to talk in pairs.
Please listen, right? Listening is key.
So, um, the assignment brief, um Examine the ways that Rosalind, uh, tests Orlando's love for her - in act four - And who are you? - Um I'm Otis.
Yeah.
- Act four, scene one.
The impression - I guess we're partners for the project.
- Are you new? No.
No, no, no.
I've been here since first year.
- We had chemistry together - Explore the ways - Shakespeare uses witty wordplay - last term.
- You set my desk on fire.
- sport and wrestling analogies - Anyway.
- to reveal his characters' views - on the subject of love.
- Maybe later on we can get together.
- I know the library's open - [CHUCKLES] I don't do after hours, new kid.
- Uh, discuss the concepts of fortune - Where do you live? and nature as they apply to Orlando and, um, and Oliver.
43 Ashford Street.
Compare and contrast the relationship I'll be there at 6:00.
Orlando with Rosalind and Celia.
Um If you have any questions, please, uh, do ask.
But what I'd like you to do is, really, first, just mind map.
Mind map together - Um - Boring.
What? Excuse me, this is boring? - Okay, um - [BELL RINGS] [ERIC] You told Adam where you live? - He asked me.
- [GROANS] Dude, your mum has a lot of weird sex shit in the house.
I'm cool with it, obviously, but if that guy even sees a Kama Sutra, he will destroy your life.
- She won't be home.
- Oh.
She better not be.
He still calls me Tromboner.
It's been four years.
Four years.
You did get an erection on the stage, in front of the entire school.
It was a semi! The nickname doesn't even make sense.
I play the French horn.
Such a philistine.
[OTIS] Look, he'll be in my house for an hour, tops.
It will be fine.
Do you reckon his brain is so small 'cause his dick is so big? - That's a myth.
- Well, it's not.
A friend of a friend saw it once.
She said it was the size of two Coke cans.
One on top of the other.
Length and width.
- You don't have any friends.
Except me.
- Not for long.
Because Adam is going to kill you in your own home.
[ERIC LAUGHS] [GRUNTING] [GIRL] Do you really think this place has asbestos in it? [MAEVE] I don't know.
There's worse ways to go, I suppose.
God, yeah.
My auntie got eaten by wasps.
What? Was she stung to death? [CHUCKLES] No.
She was eaten.
[GASPS] Scabby Queen.
I win! I win! No, you don't.
You have to get rid of the queen.
- You lost, sorry.
- I still don't get this game.
Hand them over.
Thank you.
- [MAEVE] How's it going with Knobzilla? - He can't come.
So, the other night, we're, like, goin' and goin'.
[AMERICAN ACCENT] And I'm losin' my shit.
[SPEAKS NORMALLY] And I, you know - Reached the summit.
- Yeah.
But he, like - Slipped and dropped the yogurt? - No, I wish.
He faked it.
You sure? I don't know what I'm doin' wrong.
[MAEVE] Maybe he was nervous or something.
Ruby and Olivia think I should dump him.
They say he's bringin' down my social status, but The thing is, he can be really sweet when nobody's watchin'.
[MAEVE] Don't know why you listen to those dickheads.
If you like him, do what you want.
[GIRL] Tits.
They're looking for me.
- Thanks for the game.
- No worries.
And the chat.
- Oh, and - Don't worry, you were never here.
- Ta-ra, lad.
- See you later, pet.
[GIRL] Hiya! - Where have you been? - Nowhere.
Biology went over.
We thought you were doin' it with your whale dick boyfriend.
You know he's a delinquent, right? Yuck.
Is that ham? We're vegan now, remember? - Oh, right, yeah, I forgot.
- [SNIFFS] Have you been smokin' again? - No, I haven't.
- Good.
Because smoking is definitely not vegan.
My ham.
Have you got the money? You taking the piss? [BOY] Take it or leave it.
[TUTS] - Tell anyone and I'll maim you.
- This better be an A.
[SIGHS] [KNOCK AT DOOR] - You're on time.
- How long is this gonna take, new kid? Well, um I'm already bored.
Have you got any Nesquik? On Only Mana.
Do you wanna get monged? Um No, thank you.
- Why is there a minge on your wall? - What? Where? That's Uh [CLEARS THROAT] That's just an orchid.
[CHUCKLES] It's My mum's super into flora and fauna.
- [SIGHS] - [LIGHTER SPARKS] Ooh, uh Maybe not inside, sorry.
I mean, Adam, we've only been working for half an hour, so Yeah.
You should keep goin'.
[SIGHS] [WOMAN] That's it, just rolling the testicle - There's a ball bag on the TV.
- Good.
Sorry.
Sorry, I, uh I forgot to take my my DVD out.
It's my - It's my porn.
- A bit old school.
You should get on Pornhub.
There's loads of stuff on there.
You could watch a CGI demon fuck a horse.
- Hm.
- I need to piss.
Upstairs, on your right.
[URINATING] [ZIPS] [ADAM] New kid! Adam? Get in here! Oh! Adam! Oh [SPLUTTERS] - You've got a sex dungeon.
- No.
No, this is not.
I I can explain.
This is my mum's office and she's a therapist.
- Sex therapist.
- I don't know what that is.
She helps people with sex problems.
- She's a prostitute.
- No.
- Like a pimp.
- No, no, she's like a a shrink.
But instead of talking about mental health stuff, she talks about sex.
People's sex lives.
She She helps people bone better.
Yes, in essence.
Look, um Could you not tell anyone about this, please? - [DOOR CLOSES] - [JEAN] Otis, darling? - I'm home! - [GASPS] [BIRDSONG] [CHUCKLES] Mm! Mmm [INHALING] [EXHALING] God, that's strong stuff.
It is chronic shit.
- [JEAN] I'm already hungry.
- [ADAM CHUCKLES] It's snack time.
[GIGGLES] Your mum's cool.
Why aren't you cool? And she's hot.
Why didn't you say she was hot? Because she's my mum.
- I mean, seriously, are you adopted? - No.
- Then why are you so shit? - [JEAN] Adam.
Yeah? [JEAN] Do you smoke every day? Yeah.
Yeah, most days, Mrs.
, um Oh, just call me Jean.
You know, they've been doing some interesting studies with cannabis.
They're just starting to wake up to its health benefits.
Yeah? Like, um How it makes everything funny? - You know, like your face.
- Hm? Ever so serious, like a atlas.
[BOTH GIGGLE] However, it has been linked to early onset impotence.
Nothing conclusive yet.
But be careful with how much you smoke.
Mum I only bring it up because I have a number of clients who were heavy drug users at your age, and now they have trouble with sexual performance.
- Sexual performance? - They have trouble finishing.
- Ejaculation.
- Hm.
Jizz, spunk.
Man milk! - Mum, Jesus Christ! - Don't have a problem with that.
What makes you think I've got a problem with that? I didn't say you had a problem with that.
- But if you want to talk about it - I Uh, okay, I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go.
[JEAN] Okay, Adam! - Nice to meet you! - Mum! Come and hang out again.
Adam! Adam, wait.
Wait.
You and your mum are freaks.
I hope I didn't touch a nerve.
Your friend is very sensitive.
Ooh, my mouth is immensely dry.
Mum, how many times have I said you can't go around therapizing people you don't know? Your generation is so touchy.
- Information is empowering.
- No, it's fucked up! Okay, calm down, take a breath.
Let's [EXHALES SLOWLY] Let the negative energy dissipate.
Okay.
[EXHALES SLOWLY] - [EXHALES] - Two Sorry I yelled.
And I'm sorry if I upset your friend.
Come on.
[SIGHS] [SIGHS] Sweetheart I've noticed you're pretending to masturbate and I was wondering if you wanted to talk about it.
It was the hand cream that gave it away.
And, well, the magazine was a bit overkill.
Anyway, I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.
No judgment.
This is a safe place.
This is not a safe place, Mum.
You need to stop analyzing everything I do.
I will when you stop creating performative situations that you clearly want me to observe.
[GROANS] Okay.
I'm going to my room, because I'm angry and I need some space.
- Okay.
- [STOMPING] We'll talk about it when you're ready.
[DOOR SLAMS] - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] - [JEAN] Darling! It's too loud! [TURNS VOLUME UP] [PHONE ALERT] [JEAN] Otis! Turn it down! I wasn't born in '77 [SOUL MUSIC PLAYING] When we was together [PHONE ALERT] Everything was so grand [SCOFFS] - [MAN] Eric, come help your mother.
- Now that we've parted Down in a minute! Just one sound That I just can't stand - I can't stand the rain - [MOANING] Against my window Oh Bringin' back sweet memories [LAUGHTER] - I can't stand the rain - [JACKSON] Oh-ho-ho! Against my window 'Cause he's not here with me Hey, rain Get off my window Did you you know? Yeah.
I'd tell you if I didn't.
- Do you want me to drive you home? - Nope.
Where do you live? - Honestly, I'm fine.
- Come on, let me drive you home.
We're just fucking, Jackson.
We don't need to know each other's postcodes.
See you at school.
[DOG BARKING] [SIGHS] - [BARKS] - [GASPS] Shh! Adam? [ADAM SIGHS] You're five minutes past curfew.
[ADAM] Sorry, Dad.
- Lost track of time.
- Don't let it happen again.
You know the rules.
You can have it back in the morning.
- [GIRL] Hello, lover.
- Ooh! Fuck.
How did you get in? You've gotta go.
[UNDOES BELT] [GRUNTS] Your hand's a bit dry.
Can you not even get hard now? - Am I that bad? - Yes.
No! No, I meant no.
I got confused.
I don't know why I bother.
Well Leave out the window.
[DOOR SLAMS] Good night, Mrs.
Groff.
Good night, Headmaster Groff.
- What is wrong with you? - [DOOR SLAMS] [MR.
GROFF] Adam, get down here now! Your mum talked to Adam about ejaculation? - She used the words "man milk.
" - Oh, my - It's worse than I thought.
- [SIGHS] No, I mean I mean It's fine.
He was baked, he's probably forgotten all about it.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit Don't look.
Watch where you're going, fag.
Hey, Adam, you know homophobia is so 2008, right? Totes passé.
Thanks, Anwar.
- Not your friends.
- Okay.
See? I told you he'd forget.
Yeah [ERIC LAUGHING] - Yeah! - [LAUGHING] [OTIS] I'm only saying.
[ERIC AND ADAM CONTINUE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Great, it's you.
I get it.
You're mean.
[TEACHER] Okay, so what was gonna be biology is now an emergency SRE class.
Apparently, there's been an outbreak of pubic lice.
[LAUGHTER] Mr.
Groff felt you needed a refresher.
Lucky me, huh? I'm joking.
This is actually gonna be incredibly awkward.
You'll be working in pairs.
You'll need worksheets, two prophylactics, and a plastic cock and balls.
[LAUGHTER] Um Jesus Christ! What's next? Uh That's not the hymen.
I think I know where the hymen is, but thanks.
Okay, well, I mean, you're quite wrong.
What is it, then? They are the paraurethral glands.
The female prostate.
Where's the hymen, then? Hymen.
- Hm.
- [LATEX SNAPS] - [SCREAMS] - [LAUGHTER] - See me after.
- [PHONE BUZZES] [PHONES BUZZING AND CHIMING] - Okay, yeah Phones away, please! - [STUDENTS LAUGHING] Phones away! People! What is it? Nothing.
The head of the penis is incredibly sensitive.
Feel free to stimulate it with your fingers in a circular motion.
As he gets closer to orgasm, you can speed up.
You'll feel him throbbing in your hand like a volcano about to erupt.
Look at that! Huh.
Here we go.
- I can feel it.
Look, it's throbbing.
- Can we turn this off, please? [JEAN] Throbbing [TEACHER] Look - [JEERING] - Oh, fantastic! And then he comes.
Can you go and see if he's all right? Oh, fuck it.
Okay, thank you everyone.
That's enough drama for today.
[OTIS WHISPERS] Oh, my God.
Do you want one? Was that really your mum? Mm.
Could have been a lot worse.
She could have been stroking an actual penis.
[LAUGHS] Oh, God.
Yeah, I just think I'm gonna die now.
Don't worry about it.
Speaking as a long-term member of the Moordale Social Pariah Club, you'll survive.
[BOY YELLING] [BOY EXCLAIMING] [GASPING] [MOANING] Oh, ow! [PANTING] - [YELLS] - [ALL SCREAM] Shit! - [ADAM YELPS] - Oh, my God.
[GASPS] [LAUGHS] - Get out! - Okay.
- Fine.
- No, wait! Don't go.
Help me.
I know it was you who sent that video around.
- So? - So I'm not gonna help you.
Please, new kid.
It feels like it's gonna explode.
- And not in a good way.
- Well, that's not my problem.
No, wait! Please, don't go.
[WHIMPERS] - Should we get the nurse? - No! No, you can't tell anyone.
- What if he dies or something? - Dies? [OTIS] Adam what did you take? Viagra.
How much Viagra? - [WHIMPERS] - [OTIS] Hey, look, um Think of this room as being four walls of trust.
Anything you say is fine.
There's no judgment.
- Three Viagras.
- Jesus Christ.
- You said there'd be no judgment.
- Sorry.
Is three Viagras bad? Her reaction made it seem like it was bad.
I feel lightheaded and I can taste scampi.
- No wonder.
You could besiege a castle.
- I said stop staring at it! Sorry! It's like a third leg.
What now? We wait.
[SIGHS] - How is it looking? - [ADAM] Still large, still angry.
- Where did you even get the Viagra from? - None of your business.
Please don't tell me you got it from your dad.
I didn't.
Why did you take it? I don't know.
Heard it gives you a good buzz.
You should try it instead of being such a joy fucker.
He's having dick problems.
- Yeah? What would you know, Wiley? - Girls talk, clodpole.
Aimee said you can't come.
It's too much pressure.
- What is? - Everyone knows I've got a giant penis.
- So you wanted to make it bigger? - No.
I just wanted it to get hard.
- Well, why do you think it couldn't? - I don't know.
I can't stop thinkin' about stuff when we shag.
"What if I'm not good at this? Maybe I'm doin' it wrong.
Maybe she knows I'm doin' it wrong.
What if my dad walks in? What if my dad walks in and it's right when I'm blowing my load and I can't stop, and he sees my jizz face? - What if" - Okay.
Um Yeah, no, we get it.
[OTIS] Okay.
Well Sounds to me like you're experiencing some performance anxiety.
Perhaps the mythology surrounding the size of your penis doesn't help things.
It is interesting you mention your father.
How does being the headmaster's son affect you? Well, it's shit, obviously.
Go on.
Everyone's watching me all the time.
Everyone's like, "There goes Adam Groff, headmaster's son.
He's got a big massive elephant's cock.
" I've got feelings.
I guess that I wish I could be a normal kid.
With a normal dick.
And a normal dad.
[OTIS] I think that you need to own your narrative, not let it control you.
Yes, you have a large appendage.
Yes, you're very visible in the school due to your father's position.
But neither is likely to change.
But your outlook can.
Does that make sense? Not really.
It shouldn't matter what anyone in the school thinks.
You are who you are.
Don't let anyone take that away from you.
So everyone's wrong, and I'm basically awesome.
Be proud of your penis and your heritage.
'Cause neither are going anywhere.
You should work with what you've got.
[CLATTERING] [SIGHS] It's going down, new kid.
Thank God.
Uh, you won't tell anyone about this, will you? You said that thing about the four walls of trust.
We won't tell anyone.
If you leave my friend Eric alone.
- For good.
- Tromboner? It's your choice.
Fine.
I think you owe Otis an apology.
Sorry for sending the video around, but your mum really got in my head, new kid.
She's like some kind of sexy witch.
Well, that was unusual.
See you around, Otis.
["DR.
JEKYLL & MR.
HYDE" PLAYING] Well, I was hideous and handsome [GIRL] Do you think Headmaster Groff is well hung too? [GIGGLING] Yogurt's vegan, right? Yes, I was honest and I lied That's my Dr.
Jekyll - Oh, and Mr.
Hyde - Hey! Can I have everyone's attention, please? I have something to say.
My name is Adam Groff.
Headmaster Groff is my dad.
Which is weird, 'cause I'm quite shit at school.
- [BUCKLE JANGLES] - And this [ZIPS] This is my dick.
- [GASPING] - [LAUGHTER] No.
Yes, it is large.
- [GIRL] Oh, my God.
- But I've done some googling.
- Oh, my God.
- And it's actually just above average in terms of worldwide adult statistics.
So, yeah.
- That's me.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING] And that's my dick.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] You have to break up with him.
Yeah, I do.
I have to tell you something.
- Don't forget now to take your pills - [MOANING] I know you won't Because you can't stop I'm owning my narrative.
- Don't forget now to take your pills - I'm owning my narrative! - [GROANS] - Because you can't stop I know you won't Because you can't stop I know you won't Because you can't stop [GROANING] [SIGHING] I owned it! [GROANS] [SIGHS] Welcome back, old friend.
How I've missed you.
Uh, what did you wanna talk about? We have to break up.
- We just had sex.
- Yeah.
I wanted to do it one last time.
For, like, memories.
But I don't understand.
I thought it was me.
But it's definitely you.
- What is? - Everything.
Just everything about us is wrong.
Sorry.
But it's over.
[WOMAN ON PA] Adam Groff to the headmaster's office, please.
Adam Groff to the headmaster's office, please.
[SIGHS] And thank you for coming.
Do you have any idea what you have done? I've had multiple parents threatening to take their children out of school.
They were going to charge you with public indecency if I hadn't intervened.
Detention for the rest of term.
- What? Dad - You heard me.
Now get out.
I can't even bear to look at you.
[SIGHS] I broke up with Adam.
- Still couldn't come? - No, he did.
We had goodbye sex.
Thing is, school's hard enough without having to date an actual flasher.
I need to find someone a bit more socially acceptable - Rewind, he came? - Yeah.
It was like something clicked in his brain.
Boom! ["DANCING WITH MYSELF" BY BILLY IDOL PLAYING] On the floors of Tokyo Uh, down in London town's a go-go Uh, with the record selection And the mirror's reflection I'm a-dancin' with myself Uh, when there's no one else in sight Uh, think a crowded lonely night Well, I wait so long For my love vibration And I'm dancin' with myself Ah-oh, I'm dancin' with myself - Ah-oh, dancin' with myself - Oh-oh-oh-oh - Oh-oh-oh - When there's nothin' to lose - And there's nothin' to prove - Oh-oh-oh Well, I'm dancin' with myself - Ah-oh-oh - Oh-oh-oh - Ah-oh-oh-oh - Oh-oh-oh - Ah-oh-oh - Oh-oh-oh - Ah-oh-oh - Oh-oh-oh No! [GROANS] - [SIGHS] - [JEAN] Faster! Faster! - Faster! Oh, oh, oh! - [RHYTHMIC THUMPING] - Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop! - [MAN GROANS] - [JEAN] Okay! Good! Keep going! - [MAN] Yes! Yes! - [BOTH MOANING] - [JEAN] Don't don't - [JEAN SCREAMING] Don't stop! Don't stop! - [MAN YELLING] [ALARM BLEEPING] [SIGHS] [SIGHS] [DOOR OPENS] Oh! Very sorry.
This isn't the bathroom.
No, this is not the bathroom.
I'm Harry, by the way.
[SIGHS] [SIGHS] - Mum.
- Yes, darling? I can't masturbate.
Sweetheart, I'm glad you I can't masturbate.
But I don't wanna talk about it.
I'm dealing with it on my own.
Thank you for telling me.
Yeah, I think I'd better leave too.
I think that's probably best.
Well, only 376 days of sixth form left.
Yeah! I thought this was supposed to be the best two years of our lives.
At least you got Adam to leave me alone.
Thank you very much for that, man.
- We had a deal.
- Yeah, your advice was shit.
My girlfriend's broken up with me.
Everyone's got a picture of my lovely big dick.
Deal's off.
See you later Tromboner.
[SIGHS] See? That's why you always wear a helmet.
Um, Maeve Wiley's coming straight over here.
She's literally walking straight towards us with purpose.
Uh, Otis.
Otis! Otis.
- Okay, she's here.
- Nice helmet.
- It's just, safety first.
- [CHUCKLES] Can I talk to you for a sec? Oh, do you want me Do you want me to go? - Yeah.
- Oh, good.
I'll just, um leave, then, shall I? [BOTH CHUCKLE] What did you wanna talk about? See those two over there? The one on the right has never been in a lesbian relationship before.
She's terrified of her new girlfriend's vagina.
See her? She believes that flicking the bean might make her clit drop off.
She hates herself.
But she just can't stop wanking.
Do you see them? Yeah, he's definitely giving everyone pubic lice.
What's your point? The students at this school need your help, Otis.
And we need their money.
I haven't really worked out the details yet, but I'm good with numbers, so, I'll deal with the business end of things and you can do the therapy.
We'll charge for every appointment and split the cash.
- Therapy? - Yeah, sex therapy.
You have a gift.
It would be irresponsible to waste it.
- Look how you helped Adam.
- But I didn't.
He hates me now.
He came, Otis.
Your words made him come.
Sort of.
Look, I haven't got all day.
Are you in or out? - Uh - Okay, fine.
Don't worry about it.
Uh Okay.
Maeve! Wait! Wait! [ROCK SONG PLAYING] I'm in!




Yeah.
[GASPING] - [UPTEMPO R&B SONG PLAYS] [BOTH MOANING] Is that you? Oh! [CHUCKLES] Is that you? I'll get the light.
Is that you now? - [GIRL] Come on! - So sweet Aah Oh! - [BOY] Where've you gone? - [GIRL LAUGHS] I'm up here! - [BOY] Mm! - [GIRL LAUGHS] - Oh, yeah.
Let me get on top.
- Yeah.
- Ooh! - Ow! - Where's your head? Oh! - Um - Oh! My balls! You're on my balls! - Oh! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! - Right, I'm gettin' the light.
- No, don't! - [GIRL YELLS] - [BOY GROANS] - [GIRL SOBBING] Oh, my neck.
- Oh! - Oh! - What the fuck? You dirty bastard.
So, when Clara says she doesn't think you want to have sex with her anymore, how does that make you feel? Bad.
Descriptive words, Tim? Um Really bad.
[SOBS] [JEAN] All right, Clara, I'd really like to see you focus on what you're actually feeling.
[SOBBING ECHOING] [JEAN TALKING SOFTLY] [OTIS] Hello.
[CLEARS THROAT] [DEEP VOICE] Hello.
Hm.
[NORMAL VOICE] Hello.
My name is Milburn.
I am a sex therapist.
How do you feel? How do you feel today? [ARGUING] - I'm just trying to - Just trying to what? - Air our dirty underpants, is that it? - No! So, it's rom-com night.
I'm thinking 1980s Julia Roberts or early noughties Kate Hudson.
- What's your preference? - Mum, what What makes a good therapist? Just curious.
Well I guess some therapists get into it for the wrong reasons.
They do it for money or status.
They think of it as a career rather than a vocation.
But it it's just a job.
Sure.
A job where one wrong word could trigger a nervous breakdown, resulting in decades of emotional damage.
A good therapist, a, you know a "good" therapist, I guess understands the weight of that responsibility.
- That sounds intense.
- Well, it's a fine balance, listening to people without inserting yourself into their reality.
So it's not about you.
Mm.
Exactly.
[WHISPERS] And more importantly, Roberts or Hudson? Um Roberts.
- Okay.
Roberts it is.
- [SIGHS] [ERIC] You're wearing a tie.
Yeah, I suppose I am.
It's Aimee G's house party tonight.
Yeah, and? And? Apparently, last time, Warhammer Tom drank 14 Jagerbombs and nearly drowned in her hot tub.
We need an invite! I thought you'd given up on sixth form.
- You have the memory of a goldfish.
- An eternally optimistic goldfish.
Who's that? - Oh, hello, Otis! - Hi.
[SIGHS] It's one of my mum's recent conquests.
- Poor guy.
- [ERIC LAUGHS] [KNOCKING] Hello - Harry.
- Harry.
Sorry.
I'm bad with names.
- Wha What can I do for you, Harry? - Well, I was just passing through.
I thought maybe we could pop and get a bit of breakfast together.
I I had a good time the other night.
It's so rare to find a woman who really listens, you know.
I see.
I'm about to teach a vagina workshop.
So no? - How about tonight then? Dinner? - I've got plans tonight.
- Sometime this week? - Look, Harry, I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.
I'm not interested in dating anyone.
I'm extremely busy with work and raising my son, and I just have no room in my life for the kind of intimacy that you are clearly craving.
But I really commend you on your directness and your bravado and I really hope that you find what you're looking for.
Goodbye, now.
You're particularly odd today.
- [PHONE RINGS] - Who is it? - Hi.
- Hey, it's Maeve.
- Maeve, hi.
- We need to talk.
Yes - [YELPS] - Uh - Hello? - Help.
- Maeve Wiley is calling you? - Hello, Otis? - Yes.
No! - Why would you not - No, no, no! - Why aren't you excited? - Hello? - Put it down! - What are you - Hello? [MAKING CRACKLING SOUNDS] [GROANS] Okay - [SIGHS] - Uh, explain? I did something stupid.
Maeve asked me to set up this sex therapy thing to help students with their problems, for money, and I agreed, and I'm thinking I shouldn't have, e 'cause I'm all confused, and and hot.
- She wants you to be a sex therapist? - Yes.
- But you can't wank! - I know, and I'm 16 years old, and I feel clammy - I'm all dizzy and hot.
- Okay, okay.
Okay, take a chill pill.
- [SIGHS] - So think about it.
This could be awesome.
A sex therapist.
Listen, knowledge is power, power is status, and status means popular.
- You can be popular.
- I don't want to be popular.
I just want be a guy in the corner that no one knows, you know? And they say, "Who's that guy?" And they go, "He's just a guy in the corner.
" Wait, you wanna be in a corner? - Yes.
- Otis! Man, are you really saying you don't wanna hang out with Maeve Wiley? - But she's not popular, she's scary.
- Yeah, exactly.
She's better than popular, because she's cool.
And she's the best kind of cool, because no one in this place even knows it yet.
But you don't wanna hang out with her.
I get it.
[BELL RINGS] I think I wanna hang out with her.
Yes.
I don't know, maybe.
- I don't know.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Of course you do.
Now lose the tie.
You look like a Mormon.
Listen, you're gonna have to fake it until you make it.
Can you do that? Yes.
Okay.
Now let's get on with our day.
- [YELPS] - Hey, piss-flaps.
- Something wrong with your phone? - I don't have a phone! - What? I do.
It's broken, right? - Mm-hm.
The reception.
I need to get it fixed at the Carphone Warehouse.
Thank goodness for insurance.
Whew! Stop speaking.
Found us a client.
Okay.
Whew! Great, fantastic.
Meet me in the toilets at break for the session.
Sorry.
Wait.
Break? Today? Yeah.
Is that okay? Yes.
[STAMMERS] Um We've never officially met.
I'm, um I'm Eric, his numero uno, so to speak.
[CHUCKLES] Your buttons are done up wrong.
It's a new look.
It's like normcore but with buttons done up wrong.
[CHUCKLES] How fabulous.
Don't be late.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Oh, my God! We just spoke to Maeve Wiley! Oh, my God! Okay, we need to go.
We need to go now.
Now! - Good morning, ass bandit! - Sorry, Adam.
Mum says I can't hang out with you anymore.
Why not? She says you're you know, a a sex pervert.
See ya at Aimee's party, man! Remember, all of these chemicals are highly flammable, okay? [GIRL] Sir, we did this experiment last year with Mr.
Moorhouse.
[TEACHER] Well, then, you'll be a expert, won't you, Trimble? Just get on with it, please.
Thank you.
We're finished, Adam.
- Fake it till I make it.
Fake it - Think of someone strong.
- Like Putin.
Or Beyoncé.
- What'd you bring him for? Uh, where he goes, I go.
Ugh.
Whatever.
She's in there.
Gag reflex problems.
She vommed on her boyfriend's penis.
[GASPS] Scandalous.
Um - Do I have to look at her? - [MAEVE] No.
Think of it like confession.
What are you waitin' for? - No.
- Sorry! Sorry.
[WHISPERS] Right [SIGHS] [GIRL] Hello? [CLEARS THROAT] [DEEP VOICE] Hello, I'm your therapist today.
- [SIGHS] How might I serve you? - This is weird.
- Can't we just talk face to face? - No, we shouldn't see each other.
[STAMMERS] How can How can I help you? Didn't Maeve tell you? I just I don't wanna say it again.
Yes! Yes, you, uh [CLEARS THROAT] You encountered some problems during fellatio, which resulted in you experiencing a bout of emesis, correct? - Emesis? - Uh, vomiting.
Yeah, I puked on his dick, all right? He says I shouldn't give BJs anymore.
But if I don't go down on him, he won't go down on me.
- So what do I do? What do I do? - [MUFFLED SIGH] Well human sexuality is far more varied than you might realize, and each person has a history of unique experiences, which translates into their connection with a chosen sexual partner, or, indeed, partners.
- What? - Well, did you know that humans are not the only species to perform fellatio? - Bats have been know to partake - What do bats have to do with this? Well, at the zoo, I once saw a chinchilla fellate itself - [DOOR SLAMS] - [FOOTSTEPS RECEDING] [DEEP VOICE] Hello? - Oi, you forgot to pay.
- I am not paying for that psycho in there to take the piss.
I don't know why I trusted you in the first place.
- Uh - Oh! - You owe me.
- Whatever, slag.
- [ERIC GASPS] - What the hell did you do? Um I might have said something about chinchillas giving blow jobs.
I'm sorry, I got nervous.
You give advice, not traumatize people.
Okay, well, I was going to say that to properly identify why she experienced emesis during fellatio, I would need a more accurate understanding of her social and sexual history.
But she left.
- What the hell is emesis? - You know, vomiting! That poor girl just wanted to know how to suck a dick.
Well, thing is, I don't think I'm very good at this whole therapy thing.
That's not true.
I've seen you do it.
You're like some sort of strange sex savant.
It's weird, but impressive.
We need to find some more clients.
And you need to work on your delivery skills.
Try speaking like a normal 16-year-old next time, all right? Let's hope Olivia doesn't tell anyone.
She's really disappointed in you.
Hey, Maeve! I wanna fuck a chinchilla.
Can you help? [CRASHING] - Yeah, I think she may have told people.
- Ow! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Ah! Kelly Clarkson! Poet.
- [BOTH] Nietzsche.
- I'm all right! How does your mum get clients, then? Word of mouth, I guess.
Client testimonials.
But we've only had one other client.
Any other ideas? You know the pretzel place in Pineland Shopping Center? They give you a free sample, what do you do? You buy a pretzel, obviously! People don't trust your product because they haven't tried it yet.
- Product samples.
- Ah! - That's actually a good idea.
- [LAUGHS] What you doing tonight? Watching a selection of Julia Roberts movies with my mum.
Hah! He's kidding.
Why do you ask? We need to go somewhere teenagers have a lot of sex.
- [CHUCKLES] - The bushes behind Science Block A? Aimee's house party.
Put your good shirts on, boys.
It's party time.
- [LAUGHS] We just got invited to a party! - Ssh! - An invite! An invite! - I know! - How do I look? - Like a satsuma.
- It's monochrome.
- I'll take your word for it.
Uh-huh.
- Do I look all right? - You look like Otis.
- Is that a good or a bad thing? - Well, neither, you just look like Otis.
You've never asked me about your appearance before.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - Is this the Maeve effect, perchance? I hate this shirt and I hate crowds.
I hate parties.
[SIGHS] - Eric, I don't wanna go.
- Uh, we have to go! We've been waiting our entire school lives for this.
Speak for yourself.
I don't care.
Well, Maeve cares, so What are you doing? - Eric, just be careful with - Hey! Look.
You need to loosen up.
["WE GOT THE FUNK" BY POSITIVE FORCE PLAYING] I don't dance.
What's the point of having all this music, then? To listen to.
I sit very still and I appreciate the music.
Come on, you know you want to.
- There will be no dancing.
- Oh! Oh! Dancey! Dancey-dancey-dancing! That's right! Stop! Okay, okay, I'll go.
- Look.
Okay, come on, come on.
- Wait! It will be your thing.
The Hat Man.
Mm-hm? Hey! Come on, we're gonna slay! Come! Come, come, come.
Darling, you're wearing a hat.
And I'm all orange! Yes, I can see that.
You joining us on movie night, Eric? Yeah, actually, we're going out.
- Oh.
Where are you going? - Nowhere.
A party! An actual party that we have actually been invited to.
- Not technically invited.
- Whose party? - No one's.
- Share.
Aimee Gibbs! She's, like, one of the most popular girls in school.
- Mm! - [ERIC CHUCKLES] [SNIFFS] You're wearing aftershave, Otis.
Is there someone special that you're going to meet tonight? - Well, there's this girl - No, it's just a party.
Very normal.
Boring, in fact.
Utterly platonic.
Right.
Well, if you're going to do drugs tonight, remember to buddy up.
- Mum! - And look after one another.
- Let me get you some condoms.
- No! Thanks, Mum.
Bye.
- [SIGHS] - [DOOR OPENS, SHUTS] ["REBEL GIRL" BY BIKINI KILL PLAYING] [KNOCKING AT DOOR] Comin'.
You know Jonathan is sensitive to loud noise.
Sorry, Cynthia, I'll turn it down.
And also I wish I was a charity, love.
Look, I said I'll have the money by Monday, all right? You all right? [GAGS] Let's hope you're not pregnant.
Rebel girl Rebel girl I think I wanna take you home I wanna try your clothes on [SHOP BELL RINGS] [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING] I'll grab one of those too, please.
- Any preference? - Whatever's cheapest.
[BLEEP] How old are you, sweetheart? Twelve.
Wish I knew who the father was.
5.
28, thanks.
[ERIC] Oh, my gosh.
Bet you they have loads of toilets.
- It's a bit quiet, isn't it? - Doesn't start till 8:30.
Oh, it's only 8:15.
- On time is late.
- What does that even mean? Late is late, early is early, and we are very early.
- Uh, what are you doing? - Ringing the buzzer.
No, you're not.
We're gonna wait until other people get here.
[LAUGHS] Eric, that's being very silly.
Otis, I just told you not to ring that doorbell! - [LAUGHING] - I don't know what's wrong [LAUGHS] Oh, no [YELLS] You You look like you pooed yourself! [YELLS] You will die! - Eric [CHUCKLING] - [YELLS] - Why would you ruin my trousers? - Get off! Stop! - You'll get me pooey! - Otis, what is wrong with you? You will die by fire and by force, because I'm sick of it! I'm sick of this behavior, man.
- Hey, Maeve.
- Hey.
You look fierce.
- [CHUCKLES] - You look like a Wotsit.
- [CHUCKLES] - Nice hat.
Hey, I think we're gonna have to go home, because he's ruined his trousers.
- Looks like he's done a poo.
- No, it's fine.
We're going to the party.
Yeah.
Ah! [STAMMERS] It's a bit early, isn't it? We're here for business.
[BUZZING] Okay.
- Well, how come she can ring it? - Well, she's not you, is she? - [GATE WHIRRING] - Here goes.
[FROM TV] of wishful thinking I'll get over you I know I will I'll pretend my ship's not sinking And I'll tell myself I'm over you 'Cause I'm the king of wi [PAPER CRUNCHING] - [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] - [LAUGHTER, CHATTER] This is brilliant! I think I got most of it off.
It's very crowded in here.
Definitely over capacity.
- Relax, you're 16.
Otis, you scope out the sober virgins, and I'll take the hockey team.
Uh, what about me? - Go talk to Anwar.
- Oh, I can't.
I'm too nervous.
- Anwar's his unrequited crush.
- Aah.
- Good excuse to break the ice.
Go on.
- [SIGHS] I heard his ex broke up with him because he wouldn't finger his bumhole.
- Okay.
- So Yeah, I'll speak to Anwar.
[CHUCKLES] Mm! - That was my shot, you dick.
- Sorry.
That's I've seen people do it in films.
Asshole.
- Remember, be subtle.
- Subtle.
Go on, then.
Do your thing.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER] Ginger beer is the S-H-I-T.
Really? I'm a cranberry juice sorta guy.
Cranberry juice is good for thrush.
You know, um, thrush? It's a vaginal discharge.
So, I'm, uh I'm giving out free sex advice tonight, if, uh Anyone got any STIs? Okay.
Um Bye, then.
Give me a reason Hey! Hey, can you do that outside, please? And not with the cushions.
Hey, babes! You came! More people are coming, right? We can't be seen at a lame party.
I think so, yeah.
- Do you want a drink? - Sure.
Great.
Two Jack and Cokes and a vodka tonic.
Olivia's on a diet.
[WHISPERS] Two Jack and Cokes and a vodka tonic.
In-depth sex advice.
No charge, one night only.
[BOY YELLS] One night only! - [ALL YELL] One night only! - No, come on, this is a great offer.
- Is is true your whole family's in prison? - [LAUGHTER AND JEERING] [JACKSON] Maeve! - You're here.
- For now.
Jackson, we're gonna go check out Aimee's hot tub.
Wanna join? Maybe later.
That might be fun.
Hot tubs aren't really my thing.
What is your thing, then? Complex female characters.
You hooking up with anyone here? Nope.
Are you? Ask me in an hour.
[CLICKS FINGERS, WHISPERS] Fuck.
Go away, go away, go away, go away If you're only gonna bring bad vibe Bad vibe, bad vibe Hey! Guys! [CHUCKLES] This party is totally lit! Say what? [CHUCKLES] That is a really awesome shirt, Anwar, looks so good on you.
- [CHUCKLES] - You look like a traffic cone.
So, uh, Anwar, I had this really weird thing happen to me recently, with, like, a a bumhole! [CHUCKLES] - Did you shit yourself? - No! No, I did not.
Uh, good convo, guys.
Did not shit myself.
I'll be on my way, ay, ay, ay Then I got nothin' to say, ay, ay, ay Go away, go away, go away, go away [SIGHS] [EXHALES] [SIGHS] Oh, you [SIGHS] Idiot.
Moron.
Stupid! Hat Man! - [SIGHS] - [GIRL] I liked your hat.
[SIGHS] Are you enjoying the party? - Not really.
- Me neither.
I'm hiding from my boyfriend.
Do you want some? No, thank you.
Actually, uh Okay, then.
Yeah.
Apparently, I broke him.
You broke up with your boyfriend? No, I broke him.
Like a stick.
He's like, "Why don't you wanna have sex with the lights on?" I'm like, "Well, I don't want you to see me naked.
" And then he just goes on and on and on.
Dickhead.
Why don't you want the lights on? 'Cause I'm disgusting.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR] - [BOY] Kate, you in there? I told you I broke him.
- Who's this guy? - Oh, it's not like that, Sam.
He's non-threatening.
He's like a Care Bear.
I was just telling him what a dickhead you are.
- Right.
Well, I'm gonna go.
- Why are you talking to him? - 'Cause you never listen to me.
- I do listen.
- I listen all the time.
- No! - You don't listen to me! - I've had enough, Kate [MUSIC CONTINUES FROM HOUSE, MUTED] [OWL HOOTING] - [BUZZING] - [SIGHS] - Hello? - Aimee, it's it's Adam.
- Ugh! What do you want? - We need to talk.
You're not invited.
Fuck off.
- [GASPS] - [ADAM GROANING] Adam? New kid's mum.
Every day's the same I wake up, he's in my head What are you doing? - People think I pooed myself.
- Will you suck it up? We need clients.
- Eric, come on.
- Mm-mm! Mm-mm! Gah! [SAM] All I want is to have sex like a normal person, without breaking my arm.
I need this arm to do things.
Okay, well, all I want is to have sex in the dark.
What's the big deal? Why can't you just accept that? Enough.
Enough! This is ineffective communication! Sam, if you want to tackle Kate's issues surrounding self-esteem, whilst respecting your desire for visual stimulation, you need to establish a clear verbal intercourse.
- You mean like talking dirty? - No.
I mean stop passively hearing and start actively listening.
Speak English, Care Bear Man.
Okay.
Kate, you want to have sex with the lights off.
Sam, you want to see Kate naked.
But neither of you are listening.
Who are you again? It doesn't matter who I am.
This isn't about me.
This is about you two.
I just I don't understand women.
She She likes me, she doesn't like me.
She wants my giant dick.
Sorry, my, uh my large penis, and then she doesn't wanna speak to me.
It's all very confusing, Mrs.
Jean.
- [OWL HOOTING] - Just Jean.
Well, you deserve closure.
I mean, if the relationship is over, well - [BUZZING] - you could ask Aimee for some clarity.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mm.
Yeah.
Could you give me a leg up? [INHALES] I think, if she doesn't want you at her party, it's important that you respect her wishes.
You're so wise.
Like an old owl.
Why are you here? I was checking on Otis.
Wow.
I thought my parents were controlling.
[LAUGHS] [ADAM] Yes! Oh, fuck.
Oh! Wha Wh Hello! Fucking kidding me.
- [HORN HONKS] - Oi! Hey, wait! [MUSIC THUMPING INSIDE] [AIMEE] Not on the roses! [GROANS] My parents are gonna kill me.
- They've barely got over the last party.
- Why did you have another one, then? Ruby and Olivia said they couldn't do it at their houses.
Anyway, I love hosting.
Do you think people are havin' a good time? - Are you havin' a good time? - I think so.
Not on the succulents! Oh, he's cute.
[MAEVE] What is it with you and stoners? Doesn't he remind you of someone? Adam? No, I was thinking more like a boiled Ryan Gosling.
- [MAEVE] No, Adam.
- I deserve closure! Everyone inside, now! ["SHA LA LA LA LEE" PLAYING] You can smoke in the living room! Picked her up on a Friday night Sha-la-la-la-lee Yeah, I knew everything Gonna be all right Sha-la-la-la-lee Yeah, sha-la-la-la-lee Sha-la-la-la-la-la-lee [DANCE MUSIC THUMPING, MUTED] [SIGHS] Idiot.
- Oh! - [LAUGHTER] [HEAVY PANTING] - Why do you taste like the dentist? - Stop talking.
Fuck! [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] [CHEERING AND LAUGHTER] - [CHEERING] - Yay! Hey! Oh, good.
It's you again.
Yeah! [LAUGHS] I heard about your problem.
[RETCHING] [RETCHING] [GURGLING] - I can help you.
- Do what? - [MUSIC STOPS] - Suck a dick! [LAUGHTER] What would you know about blow jobs, trumpet boy? It's a French horn! Listen, I've seen a lot of gay porn.
Plus, you're not the only person with a penis, you know? Anwar, I think we should let him help her.
Talking away Yeah, go on then, Eric.
Show her your skills.
Great.
Great.
No, I I need props.
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah? - [LAUGHS] - Another day to find you - Oh, this is gonna be funny.
- It better be.
This party is a total beige fest.
I'll be coming for your love, okay? Take on Hey! Let me in.
Open the door, you orange twat.
I'm gonna fucking kill you! Kate, you wanna go first? Tell me something you like about Sam.
I don't know.
He's got nice eyelashes.
- This is stupid.
- Sam, we're listening now, yeah? Your turn.
Tell me about Kate.
Uh Oh, see? He thinks I'm gross! - Stop saying that! - Okay, let's just Let's calm down, and, most importantly, listen.
- This isn't working.
- When we first started dating, I used to get tongue-tied and flustered.
I still get like that sometimes.
I can't believe she wants to be with me.
I like everything about her.
Everything.
Do you hear what he's saying, Kate? Yeah.
Well, but I still don't believe it.
[SIGHS] Okay.
Kate, what do you like about yourself? - Nothing.
- Kate, I want you to name five things that you like about yourself, and it can be anything.
- [SIGHS] - Come on.
I'm quite good at hockey.
I can make dumplings from scratch, which is actually really hard.
I have a photographic memory.
Oh! I have this really spooky ability at guessing which nationality someone is, - just by the way they walk.
- She does, it is awesome.
Go on.
One more.
- I think I have nice hair.
- It's so shiny.
[CHUCKLES] ["(YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME) HIGHER AND HIGHER" PLAYING] If you don't like yourself, how are you supposed to believe that Sam does? I wish you could see yourself the way I do.
Because you're the best.
Your love - [OTIS] Guys! - Is liftin' me higher I mean, this is great, I think we're making - real progress.
- ever been lifted before - So keep it up - Mm.
Okay.
Um Quench my desire [OTIS] I'm gonna And I'll be at your side forever more - You know your love - Your love Oh! Sorry.
Um Otis? Hi, Maeve.
I'm here.
That's weird.
It's nice to see you both.
Sorry again.
[LAUGHS] Bye! I've gotta go too.
All right.
So, look, maybe we could, um go on a date sometime.
You wanted to keep this a secret, now you wanna go on a date, do you? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Ask me again in a week.
[DOOR CLOSES] [MUSIC CONTINUES, MUTED] [GRUNTS] [GLASS SHATTERING] Oof! [GRUNTS] - All right, go on then, Eric.
- Okay.
Rule number one, enthusiasm is more important than technique, yeah? Don't go too deep.
Looks awkward.
You can use a bit more pressure than you think, actually, but no teeth, especially if you're packin' metal, Natalie.
Okay, come on, girls.
Yeah, come on, girls.
All together now.
Aah Mm Aaah Hm? Mm? Mm-hm, mm-hm! Not too deep! Ruby, not too deep.
Just the tip, okay? - [LAUGHTER] - Mm! - Hey.
- Hey.
- You having a good night? - Uh Not really.
You? Not the best, to be honest.
I hate parties.
Yeah, me too.
Crawling with cretins.
I, uh I gave out some free advice.
Really? To who? Well, that's confidential.
But it's a client.
Not exactly a sex-pretzel bonanza, is it? I'm sorry, how many clients did you find tonight? Um Sorry about, um before, there.
I didn't realize you and Jackson were It's cool.
He's not my boyfriend or anything.
We're just sleeping together.
- You know how it is.
- Sure, yeah.
Yeah, ab absolutely.
I think this is a bust.
I'm gonna get my shit, then I'm going.
[OTIS] See ya.
Mum? [JEAN] Oh, for fuck's sakes.
Oh, shithouse! Gah! Fuck! - What are you doing here? - Otis, darling! You I'm You forgot your inhaler.
- I haven't had an attack in six years.
- Well, what if you did? I mean, would any of these people help you? And That's an awful lot of responsibility to - You're spying on me.
- What? - Don't be irrational.
- Irrational? You're the one stalking your son.
That word carries a lot of weight, young man.
Don't misuse it.
I understand - how you might feel unjustly observed.
- Okay.
Uh Otis! - Otis, don't walk away.
- Just go home, Mum.
[SIGHS] I could wait around if you want a lift.
[BOY] Hey.
- Isn't that Courgette Lady? - Oh, yeah.
[ALL LAUGHING] ["LABOUR OF LOVE" PLAYING] I can't stand it I said I just don't want it Never gonna need it Oh, how did you get in here? - I can't stand it - What do you want? Aims I don't Look, I don't understand what I've done wrong.
Why can't we just get back together? Because you're embarrassing.
I'm sorry, Adam.
[CHANTING] Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! - Where's Eric? - Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! What's going on? Tromboner is teaching them how to give BJs.
It is priceless! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! - Suck, suck, suck a dick! - Mm! Mm! Suck, suck, suck a dick! Suck, suck, suck a dick! - Adam, stop! - [GRUNTING] - Suck, suck, suck a dick! - Whoa! - Suck, suck, suck a dick! - Calm down! - [GAGS] - Oh, my God! She's choking! - Move aside.
- Okay! We need help! Move! Move! Olivia! - What - [ALL GASP] - Withdraw my labor of love - [ALL GROAN] Gonna strike for the right To get into your heart, yeah - Oh! It's gone all ancient Rome.
- Withdraw my labor of love - I'm sorry! - My dress! Gonna fight for the right To get into your cold heart - Stop! - Ain't gonna work for you no more [ALL GASP] Adam, what the fuck, man? Granny! ["FK ALL THE PERFECT PEOPLE" PLAYING] Party! I smell puke.
I need a wee and some crisps.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to - You always ruin everything.
Go home.
Hey, you know what's funny about you and me, yeah, is that we're different, but we're both the same.
And we're just two losers that nobody wants.
And they don't want us because [VOMITS] Maeve.
So, uh regroup on Monday? [SCOFFS] Nah.
This lot aren't mature enough for therapy.
It was a stupid idea.
Sorry for wasting your time.
See you around, Otis.
[ERIC] It was lit.
It was lit.
But, hey, did you guys manage to find any clients? Doesn't matter.
Maeve said the whole thing is off, so - What? - Yeah.
I thought you guys were really onto something.
[SIGHS] I guess not.
Aww.
Listen, who needs her, anyway? There's plenty more hot, scary fish in-a the sea.
Okay? [CHUCKLES] Dude, where's my hat? Um I might have lost it.
You're bad at bein' Hat Man.
- Sorry.
- No, you're No, you're not sorry.
- Look at you laughing.
- [OTIS CHUCKLES] It's not funny.
[ERIC] Like a dickhead.
- [OTIS] Shut up.
- [ERIC] Like a fool.
- [OTIS] All right.
- Like an idiot.
- [OTIS] Go clean yourself off.
- [ERIC LAUGHS] To be or not to be To free or not to free To crawl or not to crawl [SIGHS] Fuck all those perfect people To sleep or not to sleep To creep or not to creep And some can't remember What others recall Fuck all those perfect people I understand that you may feel that I crossed a boundary, and I want to give you an opportunity to be able to express your feelings.
What is the point, Mum? You don't listen.
What would you want me to hear? Stay out of my life.
Okay? [MURMUR OF VOICES] [PHONE ALERTS] - [GIRL 1] That's a lie.
That's a lie.
- [GIRL 2] Are you sure it's not - [LAUGHTER] - [MULTIPLE PHONE ALERTS] - [ANWAR] Tromboner! - [ALL] Tromboner! Tromboner-boner! [LAUGHTER AND YELLING] - Tromboner! - Tromboner! Do you know why you're here? Because I did a fart on Mr.
Hendricks' head? What? No! Jesus, Adam! I've just spoken to Aimee Gibbs' mother.
She's been trying to get her mother out of the carpet all weekend.
- It wasn't my fault.
- No, no, no, no, it never is, is it? Why can't you be more like your sister? Diligent, reliable, resilient.
I've just been on the phone to Mountview Military.
It is a very impressive institution.
Don't push me.
Understood? [CHOIR VOCALIZING] [VOCALIZATIONS CONTINUE] Since you've been gone Since you've been gone I'm out of my head, can't take it Since you've been gone Could I be wrong? But since you've been gone You cast a spell, so break it Since you've been gone [VOCALIZING] [MOUTHING] Ever since you've been gone [CHEERING] Mm.
I'm really freaked out by bumholes.
Now, I know it's a sensitive issue, but I heard you can help me out.
- I can pay you if - Um Can I get back to you? Yeah.
- [SIGHS] - [UPBEAT SONG PLAYING] I think I'm addicted to wanking.
I'm kinda doin' it right now.
Can you help? [TEACHER] No private conversations, please.
Is it weird that I always think about the Queen when I come? You can say all the right words To trick me Pushin' buttons I always ignore At the moment My fingers are bleedin' Tryin' to make the right - Eric! - What? The sex pretzels! It worked! - We have sex pretzels! - Clients.
We've got clients.
Numerous students have approached me today hoping to secure our services.
- And they're willing to pay.
- Keep talking.
- Actually, that's it.
- That's it.
Oh, okay.
This is good.
- Yeah.
- This is really good.
- [ERIC CHUCKLES] Mm.
- Um So we're back on.
Yes! Yes, but, um, toilet cubicles aren't gonna work.
I'm not a priest, so I need to see people face to face.
I thought you didn't wanna be seen.
Well, yeah, but it's not about me.
It's about them, and it needs to feel like a conversation.
Otherwise it's just too much pressure for everyone.
Okay.
Okay.
- I'll be in charge of bookings, schedules.
- Yeah.
- Payments, that kind of thing.
- Yes.
Great.
What shall I do? - Ah There's - We could, um try - Uh - Yeah - [STAMMERS] It's - Well - Mm We need - Um Yeah, it's cool.
It's cool.
No problemo.
[CHUCKLES] No, I've got lots of things to be gettin' on with, anyway.
I'm super busy.
Super busy, Maeve.
Okay.
Um But this is so great for you guys! [LAUGHS] Um What does this mean? We're open for business.
I study nuclear science I love my classes - Let's go.
- I got a crazy teacher He wears dark glasses Things are goin' great And they're only gettin' better I'm doin' all right Gettin' good grades The future's so bright I gotta wear shades I gotta wear shades - I got a job waitin' for my graduation - [MOUTHING] Fifty thou a year'll buy a lot of beer Things are goin' great And they're only gettin' better I'm doin' all right Gettin' good grades The future's so bright I've gotta wear shades I gotta wear shades I gotta wear shades - [BLEEP] - [CHEERING] Thanks for giving this another go.
Let's talk about your problem.
And I think we should go back to the beginning.
What makes you feel like you need to give your boyfriend blow jobs? - It's just so difficult to




As she entered the interrogation chamber, Glenoxi felt her captor eyeing her.
His long serpentine tongue oozed out of his wet, gash-like mouth.
She eyed his pulsating purple penis, inching towards it.
She felt her abdominal sex cavity quiver.
She could almost taste one of his three mucal glands.
As she pulled his glistening phallus inside her, she felt She felt "What am I meant to be feeling here?" "This is your fantasy.
What do we do next?" "What am I feeling? And why have I got dick hands?" I don't know.
Do you use contraception? Yeah.
Condoms.
- I didn't notice it split or anything.
- Mm.
Condoms aren't always a hundred percent effective.
It certainly appears that way.
Have you considered any other forms of contraception? Uh, implants, the pill I'll think about it.
And how many sexual partners do you currently have? Male or female? Just one at the moment.
He's a he.
And have you considered the possibility of adoption? I don't think anyone would want a pregnant 17-year-old.
Heh.
I don't want to do adoption, no.
Right.
And who's gonna be there to collect you after the procedure? Uh, no one, just me.
Mm.
Uh, unfortunately, it's a requirement.
What if I was a serial killer? Or a hermit? Or my whole family had died in a fire? - Would I still need to bring someone then? - Yeah.
It's our policy.
You think I have a sister? I don't know, you could have.
We've lived together 17 fuckin' years, Jeffrey.
Wouldn't you know if I had a sister? When's my birthday? Fuck you, Jeffrey! That's domestic abuse.
Forgettin' someone's birthday is not domestic abuse, Cynthia.
Everything all right, love? Yeah.
Bye.
Sorry.
The number you have dialed is not in service.
Oh Oh! No.
No, no, no.
- Shit! - Are you all right, darling? I'm fine! I'm fine, Mum! Everything's ordinary.
Shit.
Okay Ugh! - What have you got on today? - I can't talk right now, Mum.
Well, I'm asking about your school, not your personal life.
I know.
I'm late for school.
Well But it's only 7:15.
Yeah, I got clinic, I got sex clinic.
I got homework to do.
- Okay.
I love you.
- I love you too.
Bye.
Don't go in my room.
Why? No particular reason.
It's messy.
I'll clean it.
Okay.
31:23.
That's not bad.
- We can do better.
- Oh! - Push him hard today, Coach.
- I always do.
Where's the only place that success comes before work? - The dictionary.
- Teamwork? - Is dream work! - Get in there and swim, swim, swim! Okay! Not my business.
Not my business.
Good morning, everyone.
As you all know, we are holding a charity event next week for Ugandan schoolgirls, raising awareness for sanitary towels.
No.
Um Period pads.
Hm.
Lady things.
Sanitary products And what are you doing here so early, Maeve? Gettin' a head start, Mr.
Groff.
Very good.
- Carry on.
- Go with sanitary products, sir.
It's more professional.
Less creepy.
Right.
Good.
Thank you, Maeve.
You're welcome.
Uh You're late.
- Drop something? - No.
No? Why are you eyeballing the ground, then? - I'm not.
- You are.
It's unsettling.
Whatever.
- You've got a 7:45, an 8:00, and an 8:15.
- Okay.
- Better be quick.
- Okay.
Do you want some background of the clients, or No, I'm okay.
Okay.
I'm totally in love with Mr.
Hendricks, but he doesn't know I exist.
How do I make him see me? Are you sure? I mean My pubes are out of control.
I've only just cut them and they've grown back.
I'm like Wolverine.
And then how did that make you feel? I fucked a warm melon, and now it stings when I pee.
Now, that is unusual.
Hm.
Hi.
Uh - Do you have an appointment? - Uh, no.
Uh But can I just stay in here for a bit? Um I I want people to think I've had sex.
Listen, I hear you.
Peer pressure is hard, but living with regret is harder.
No.
Uh, sorry Uh I don't need therapy.
I I just wanted Molly Bell to see me coming in here so she thinks I've had sex.
Uh, you don't have to speak.
Oh.
Right.
Okay.
Morning, Eric.
Morning, Jean.
Love the kimono.
Ooh, love the jumper.
Look at that.
Rrrrowl! Hm.
- What do you want? - Is Otis ready? No, he's gone already.
He had a project or something.
Didn't he tell you? Oh, no, uh He mu He must have forgotten.
What a silly little man.
- Hm.
- Mm.
Okay.
It can be hard when friends find new interests.
But you mustn't feel left behind.
It can actually be an opportunity for you to find out what's important to you - as an individual.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- Do you have any hobbies? Uh, not really.
I used to sing in church choir, but then I realized I can't sing.
- Right.
- And I stopped believing in God.
- That'll do it.
- So yeah.
So Cool.
Cool.
- Bye, Jean.
- Bye, Eric.
Yeah.
- Jean Milburn? - Yeah, that's me.
Bastard.
E! My man.
How's it hangin'? - Yeah - What, this? Ed Sheeran.
I mean, say what you want about the little fella, but - he's a total genius, right? - Yeah.
I've been meaning to speak to you.
Swing Band are holding auditions today.
- I think you should sign up.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
Why would you say that? Look, me and, uh - Swing Band are sh - Hip.
Yes, we are.
But one can only try.
Trying's the whole game.
No one can stop you trying.
Well, they can try, I suppose.
No, no, no, but seriously, I think you should swing by.
Excuse the pun.
You could be a really great fit.
- Think about it.
- Yeah - Okay.
- Yeah? Told you we'd make some money.
- show you - Uh Sure, okay.
- See you later.
- See you.
Hey, Aimee, what are you doing later today? Going to Kyle's for a smoke.
We're a thing now.
- Why? - Basically, I need someone to help me When you're stoned, do you ever get a really relaxed asshole? 'Cause the other day, I was doing a bong with Kyle and I literally thought I was gonna shit myself.
Like, I could feel it inching out my bumhole.
- Has that ever happened to you? - Not really.
No.
- Sorry, what were you saying? - What do you want, cock biter? Nothing.
Gotta go.
Cocks to bite.
Maeve.
Oh! - You look hot today.
- Huh.
- What are you doing later? - Why? The qualifiers are today at 5:00 and I was gonna ask - if you felt like watching me swim? - Oh.
Right, um I can't.
- Why not? What, you busy? - Yeah, maybe I am.
Maybe I live a whole rich life filled with adventure and intrigue.
It is possible to experience things you don't know about, Jackson.
Okay.
Uh Well, I might see you later, then? If you're not too busy adventuring or intriguing.
Jackson.
Yeah? Uh Uh, good luck later.
Maeve.
Hold on a second.
I need to talk to you about your As You Like It essay.
Uh Interesting use of alliteration and quite a complex understanding of Shakespeare's ability - to penetrate the male psyche.
- Thanks.
- But - But what? It's similar to Simone's.
Very similar, Maeve.
Maybe we're just being churned out like little robots.
- Hm.
You're a funny girl.
Quick.
- Mm-hm.
Why don't you put some of that into your work? I really don't think you need to be copying Simone's work.
Please do not get yourself kicked out of school.
It would be a colossal waste of everyone's time.
Aren't you supposed to say something encouraging? Shine brighter.
So please remember to bring in your baked goods for the girls in year nine who are raising money for Ugandan sanitary products.
As we all know well, some of us, uh, more than others Uh, that special time of the month for women is very normal.
- Where were you this morning? - alter their everyday lives - beyond mild inconvenience.
- Something really bad happened.
You forgot to save Zelda again? So, imagine, if you will - I had a sex dream - that you do not have any sanitary - about Maeve.
- That's brilliant! About the sanitary things, yaaas! Uh, anyway, um uh that most uncomfortable thought - Oh, my God.
Tell me everything.
- is why the fearless year nine girls Was it ALS challenge or just your basic dick sneeze? - It feels wrong, okay? I don't like it.
- No, it's fine.
It's not fine, okay? My brain objectified her - and I feel like a like a bad person.
- But it's normal! Menstruation is a very good thing.
Actually, it's it's good to have a good clean out.
Um Um, it's very healthy, actually, okay? - Because if - Sit down.
Sit down.
Dude, I am so proud of you.
See you later.
- Lightning! - Pssssh! - All right, dickhead? - Hi.
Maeve, nice to see you again.
'Cause I saw you this morning.
In school, not in my dreams.
I need to ask a favor.
Oh, yeah? Uh, what is it? I need you to meet me somewhere after school at 6:30.
- Is this a clinic thing? - No.
If you can't, don't worry.
But Oh, yeah, Yeah, yeah.
No, I can.
- Yeah? - Completely.
- Um, whereabouts, exactly? - Cool.
I'll text you the address.
- Cool beans.
- See you later.
Cool beans.
She's asking you on a date.
- It's not a date.
- It's a date! - She called me dickhead.
- Oh.
You don't call someone dickhead and ask them on a date.
She probably knows I had a creepy sex dream about her.
Now she's gonna expose me as the lech that I am.
Uh, okay, she's not a psychic.
Also, chill out.
You jizzed your pants, you're not Hannibal Lecter.
- What if I am? - Okay, what happened in this dream? She was - Her pants - Uh-huh? And No, actually, I don't wanna talk about this.
I Oh, okay.
Well, what's at 439 Trently, anyway? It's a tower block with a load of businesses and and a sushi restaurant.
- Why would she want me to have sushi? - Raw fish is an aphrodisiac.
- This is totally a date! - Oh, this is making me feel weird.
- I don't like being out of control.
- You'll be fine.
Okay? Whatever it is, just be casual.
Girls like dudes that are casual.
You know, chilled.
But maybe reconsider your outfit just in case it is a date.
- It's not a date.
- It's a date.
It's definitely - What do you think I should wear? - Ooh! Um Okay, uh, think Jon Hamm.
But chilled.
Okay? Like casual Hamm.
I'm not casual, though! And I look nothing like Jon Hamm.
- Yeah, that's true.
- My God.
I need some new clothes.
Bye, Casual Hamm.
Oh, this? Yeah, no, I'm auditionin' for Swing Band, thanks for askin'.
So nice that you care about what's happenin' in my life.
Okay, good night.
Good night.
Good try, Eric! Huh? Right, team? You know, Swing Band's a collective.
I'm merely the guy with the baton.
So I'll leave it to the gang to decide whether or not you're in, but, remember that Leon has leukemia and we do desperately need a French horn.
So What do we say? Is Eric in da posse? Huh? Show of hands, please.
Can we get a show of hands, please? And there it is.
You're in, Eric.
Congrats, man! Pull up a pew, Mr.
Magoo.
Sit down, girl.
Get outta here! Go on, sit down.
Okay, so - Let's watch - I can practice with you if you like.
Get you up to speed.
Okay, okay, okay.
Great, how about after school? - Okay, and I want more sax on bar 12.
- Yeah.
- Here we go! Good.
- Yeah.
Coolio.
Okay, guys, from the top.
One, two, three, four.
One! God! Oh! Feel it! That was tight as fuck.
God! Eat it! At eight weeks, your baby's heart is beating.
At 15 weeks, your baby can see light.
Did you know that at six weeks, your baby can feel? Shut up.
Life begins at conception.
Termination is murder.
- God loves you.
- Yeah, well, I wish he'd worn a condom.
Wait, just What is wrong with you? Do you hate all life? I'm fine.
Please don't touch me.
Oh! Shittin' hell Ah That is a lot of steps.
Are you all right, ladies? You all right, love? Yeah? Hello.
If you could just give me the form.
I've I've been here before.
Oh.
Oh! Right.
Bloody hell.
They treat us like toddlers, don't they? All this hand-holdin'.
Well, you're chatty, aren't you? Don't feel like talking.
Suit yourself, princess.
I think I'm in love with you I think I'm in love with you As long as you Oh, Christ on a bike.
- I think I'm in love with you - Can Um 'Scuse me.
Can we, um Can Can we change the channels? I just really don't think soft porn's the right tone.
Fucking hell.
- Do you mind not doing that, please? - Got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
peninsula of France? - Oh! Score! - What got into the capital - leader in 1946 - You any good at quizzes? - original name in '93, which leader? - No.
The American War of Independence took place during the reign of which British king? Uh, Henry VIII.
- George III.
- Yeah.
- Whose 1950 novel A Town Like Alice - Fuckin' tits! is set in the Far Eastern theatre of the Second World War? Okay.
Otis, it's your dad calling.
I've got a got a thing.
Hi, Remi.
Sorry, he, uh has a thing.
Oh, no, I was hoping to catch you.
Did you, uh - Did you get the books? - Uh, yes, I did.
Well, could you sign them and send them back to me? I'll pay for the shipping.
I just need them for this bloody book tour.
- I've got these hardcore fans now - Will do, okay.
Bye.
No, wait.
Um Wait, uh How are you getting on? Have you been writing? Yes.
Yes, in fact, I'm starting a new book.
A new book? Well, that's that's great! So So who's your new publisher now, then? 'Cause I I heard through the grapevine that your old one had to let you go.
I You know.
I'm floating it around, as you do, just trying to find the right fit.
You know that whole rigmarole.
Good for you.
I I'm just surprised, I guess, that that you're writing again, 'cause, uh you always found it so hard to focus, didn't you, when we were together? I guess being single is freeing, Remi.
Oh! So severe, Jeanie.
So severe.
Go on, though, what's it all about, eh? Elevator pitch.
Sex? - My patients? - Ah.
Oh! That's one now.
Really important one, fascinating sexual issues.
Bye, Remi.
Oh, uh please Skype with Otis this week.
- He gets very down when you don't.
- Yes, of course.
Thank you.
Fucking piece of wanking piece of fucking shit! Yes, I'm writing a book, you fuck.
You don't fucking own words, you Shit! Ow! Bearded piece of fucking shit.
Take that, Thunderdick.
Hello, Maeve, how are you? Hey.
It's really nice to hang out with you outside of school.
I really admire your strength.
Excuse me.
Are you picking someone up? I'm I'm just meeting a friend.
Is she having an abortion? No! We're just getting some sushi.
I think.
Is sushi some kind of sick code for killing your baby? I don't think so.
We have some pamphlets we think you'd be very interested in.
At six weeks, your baby can feel.
- At eight weeks - Please, don't do this! At 15 weeks, a baby can see light.
Which novel by the English Quaker, Anna Sewell, is subtitled The Autobiography of a Horse? Horse? Uh Horse.
- Uh, uh, Sea Uh, Seabiscuit! - Black Beauty.
- Black Beauty.
- Yeah.
Who was deputy leader of the Conservative Party from 1975 to '91 - I knew you weren't just a pretty face.
- Thatcher's first Home Secretary Hi, um Sorry, look, I'm looking for, uh Maeve, hi.
Hey.
I, uh I didn't know whether to come in or not.
You didn't specify where to meet you.
Uh Why are we in an abortion clinic? - Oh.
- I said 6:30.
- On time is late.
- What the hell does that even mean? - And why are you wearing a suit? - Uh - Casual Hamm? - Ugh.
Just leave, now.
- Just go.
- Okay.
Yes, sorry.
Leaving.
Do you still want me to wait? She'll still need someone to take her home.
Okay.
He looks sweet.
Don't really seem like your type, though.
He's not.
A little bit of advice, lovey.
If you want a happy life, you keep the sweet ones around.
I don't need a mum, thanks.
Okay, Einstein! Which novelist and artist illustrated his own series of novels, Titus Groan, Gormenghast and Titus Alone? - Come on, I bet you know this one.
- Yeah, it's Mervyn Peake.
- Mervyn Peake.
- Yeah.
I think we'd all appreciate a bit of quiet right now, thanks.
called Berlin Game and Mexico Set.
What city is in the title of the third book, Match She's totally having an abortion, isn't she? Scumbags, I hope you get raped! Ugh! What the hell? - You okay? - Uh Yeah.
- Did it get in your eyes or mouth? - I don't think so.
I've got some wipes with me.
- Your friend's gonna burn in hell.
- Okay, well, I don't see it that way, but thank you for the wipe.
- Can I have a wipe? - Get your own wipe.
People don't normally throw stuff.
Okay, well.
Good luck with that.
I'm I'm going away now.
That bench has got sick on it.
You can sit with us if you like.
But he's We're all God's children.
Now shut up, Charlie.
as Ivanhoe in the 1958 - Oh, my God! - Come on! - Dad! - Leave the channel! - You wanna sort this out? - It isn't fair! It was the right channel! This isn't fair! That's for me! That's for me.
Sorry.
I just saw two pigeons having sex.
Oh.
Great.
Well, come on in, then.
Eric, who is your friend? This is Lily.
We're practicing for Swing Band together.
- Don't stop, don't talk, go! - Keep your door open, please.
Yeah, Pa.
- Who are those girls? - My sisters.
It's a girl.
Ooh! Eric's got a girlfriend! A girlfriend.
Hey.
It'll be all right.
I promise.
Just take my bloody hand.
Maeve? Hi, Maeve.
I'm Dr.
Atwan.
Hop up on the table.
- Maeve, are you right- or left-handed? - Right-handed.
A sharp scratch This will make you a little bit sleepy.
So, do you have any hobbies, Maeve? Oh, the usual.
Water polo.
Crochet.
I also run illegal cock fights.
Is this supposed to be knocking me out? 'Cause I don't think You can't still be angry with me.
You should be ashamed! I'm not with them.
I'm just waiting for a friend.
That bench had sick on it.
You spelt "foetus" wrong again, Charlie.
It's not that hard.
Maybe I should just leave.
You obviously don't want me here.
Oh, right, so the babies aren't that important then? Okay.
I think I am gonna go to the shops.
- Stretch my legs.
- I'll come with you.
Okay, well, how about we all go to the shops together? - I'm not going with him.
- Whatever.
Okay, I think we're about ready to start.
Would you like to have sex with me? What What are you doing? Why are you naked? - It's okay.
I want to.
- Oh! I'd like to have sex.
I think you're sexy, and I really want to have sex with someone.
- I'm gay! - Fuck! Really? Yeah, properly.
- You could pretend I'm a boy.
- Um, I don't think - We could wank each other off.
- No.
No.
No, thank you.
- Is that your boyfriend? - No.
- No, it's Jesus.
- Really? - Uh - I didn't realize Jesus could be black.
Well, he was probably brown, but, you know, why not black? God, black Jesus is much sexier than white Jesus.
How come your Jesus has muscles? Well, he probably had to do a lot of carryin' and stuff.
- What's in here? - Uh, no - Do you dress up like a lady? - No.
No, I mean, I like dressin' up, but no, I'm not a ladyboy or anythin'.
Let's do a makeover.
Really? Okay! Come on, Jackson! Come on! Jackson! Jackson! On your marks, please.
- He had sex with someone else.
- Okay.
It's just so hard to get that image out of my brain, you know? - Yeah.
- I look at him and all I see is other women with their lady bits, and he's putting his bits in their bits.
Penetrative sex.
It's horrible.
- Have you ever had someone cheat on you? - Um No.
When did this happen? It was before we got together.
I thought you just said he cheated.
He did cheat, on Jesus.
We're supposed to wait till marriage.
But Charlie's born again.
Before he joined our church, he had a very different lifestyle, or so I recently discovered.
Well, yeah, I can imagine it's hard when you're comparing your lack of experience to someone else's sexual history.
What? No, I have experience.
- You do? - Yeah.
Hand jobs, fingering, oral, 69ing, a bit of anal stuff.
- That's extensive.
- Yeah, but no sex.
That's sacred, between a man and woman on their wedding night.
Or it's supposed to be, but I'll just be another girl to him.
Jackson! Keep it going, son! Keep your stroke! You're nearly there! Come on! Come on, that's right! Go on! Go! Keep it going! Yes! - Yes! - Well done! Well done, my son! Yes, Jackson! Yes! - Well done, my boy.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh, well done, lad! Well done! - Thank you.
- The school is very proud of you.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh! Thank you, sir.
Hey, Mum.
Well done! Listen, you're gonna have to push yourself much harder if you're gonna qualify for the counties.
- Look, that was my best time yet.
- No, I know.
But we can do better.
Yeah? - Great.
- Yeah.
- Nice one.
- Well done.
- Well done.
- Cheers.
All right I know this is none of my business, but you've kind of involved me here, so I'm just gonna have to say it.
Charlie can't change his past.
And what's important is who he is now.
I mean, we all mess up and do impure things.
Doesn't mean we're bad people.
All right? Besides, didn't Jesus say something about forgiveness? Yeah, it's pretty much his whole thing.
What do you get someone who's having an abortion? Sunscreen.
They'll need it in Hell.
Thank you.
It's very annoying that you don't want to have sex with me.
Sorry.
- I just wanna know how it feels.
- Yeah.
Have you done it? Not all the way, but I do watch quite a lot of porno.
- Show me.
- You don't wanna see gay porn.
I definitely do.
It's called rimmin'.
- Looks fun.
- Mm-hm.
- What do you think it feels like? - What, rimming? No, sex.
I don't know.
I think it'll be nice.
It feels good to wank, so it must be like that, but better.
And doing it with someone who likes you must be awesome, because they really get you.
Maybe the two of you become one, like the Spice Girls said.
Oh! - I'm not sure.
- Hm? - I just wanna feel a dick in my vagina.
- Mm-hm.
Lily, it's time for you to go home.
Um Thank you for having me.
See you at school, Eric.
It was me who asked to see the rimming.
Sorry.
Dad, it wasn't We were just havin' a bit of fun.
- You know, dressin' up for - It's time for you to grow up.
Get a job, take responsibility.
See what the real world is all about.
Take that stuff off your face before your mother sees.
Hey.
I fixed the sign.
Your sign looks really good.
Um When we come out, you won't shout at my friend, will you? Um Probably will.
Yeah, I thought so.
Try and drink.
Mousse? Um Thanks.
Hello, Sarah.
I remember you from last time.
Only vanilla left, I'm afraid.
- I don't like vanilla.
- Sorry, it's all we've got.
Can you see if if there are any chocolate ones left? We're all out.
Ju Yeah, but I know that you've got them.
So, can Can you just go and ask? 'Cause I I really don't like vanilla, it's not even a flavor.
Like I said, we haven't got any.
Yeah, and like I said, I don't fucking like vanilla.
So I just want a chocolate one.
We're not a restaurant, Sarah.
Maybe there'll be a chocolate one next time you're here.
Oh.
Hey, Einstein.
Wasn't so bad, was it? I don't like chocolate.
Everyone likes chocolate.
Not me.
Thank you.
You're not as tough as you look.
It's been a shitty day.
Yeah.
Look, don't don't worry, love.
I got three kids, and I feel way more guilty about the ones that I had than the ones I chose not to.
It's better not being a mum at all than being a bad one.
I bet your kids really love you.
Hm! Oh, fuck off and let me eat my mousse.
Okay.
Hey, Mum.
Let's get you home.
Hi.
You waited.
Of course.
You may have some vomiting or nausea.
If the vomiting continues for more than 24 hours, then you should inform the clinic.
Some bleeding is typical, but if it's very heavy, then you should call us straightaway.
- Okay.
- Okay? Not a word.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Do you want a sandwich? You're so weird, Otis.
You should meet my mum if you think I'm weird.
All she does is talk about sex.
She has zero boundaries.
She teaches this workshop called "My Yoni, Myself.
" "Yoni" means vagina.
She hates my dad, too.
He lives in America.
But yeah, she's constantly asking me inappropriate things, and she thinks it's totally acceptable.
She's basically mental.
My mum's a drug addict.
She tries not to be, but she is.
I haven't seen her for a while.
And I have a brother as well.
He's the funniest guy I know, but he's a bit all over the place.
Not the most reliable.
- I didn't - Don't say sorry.
Okay.
- Are those flowers for me? - Uh Yeah.
- Seems a bit inappropriate now.
- No.
No, I like 'em.
Nothing says "Happy Abortion" like a bouquet.
This is me.
Do you want me to come in? I can just No, it's OK.
You can go.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay, yeah.
Sorry, I I'm walking you in.
- I said I'd walk you home, so - Otis, I'm fine! No! You might bleed or hemorrhage.
Or you could have a reaction Do you want me to come inside with you? - Just in case - I'm not inviting you in.
I'll text you if I die.
I'll keep my phone close.
If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you.
I have a hatchet and I know a good place to hide a body, okay? - I spoke to Coach.
- Mm? We need to focus on the county trials.
You don't want to let an opportunity like this pass you by.
- I know.
- Do you? That's the voice you use when you're not listening.
Mum.
It's okay, all right? I know.
You don't wanna live with regret, trust me.
I'm gonna book you in with a dietitian first thing tomorrow morning.
Glenoxi seized her interrogator.
"Enough talk.
It's time to fuck.
" She grabbed his giant purple penis and thrust it towards her abdominal sex cavity.
But his phallus grew limp.
"I'm gay," said the interrogator.
Disappointed, Glenoxi left the room.
Her quest for a mate would lead her across the galaxy, until she found an alien dick to deflower her once and for all.
Okay, ladies, that was fantastic.
Restore the floor.
Right, okay, let's take a break.
When we come back, I'll be Oh, hi.
Just gettin' a glass of water.
Kegel exercises are really thirsty work.
Oh! Your mum told us all about your big news.
Congratulations.
What news? Your ejaculation.
Well done, you! How was it? Tell me everything.
Did you feed her sashimi? - Um It It was nothing.
- Uh She just wanted me to pick something up for her.
- What? - Oh, just a thing.
Hey, I, um I auditioned for Swing Band today and I got in.
- You got in? - Mm-hm.
Nice one.
- Yeah, it's pretty great.
- I told you! It's pretty great.
Then this girl offered me sex, which was weird.
She might be crazy.
I think you'd like her.
Who's that? Um No one.
- You ready? - Yeah.
All right.
You're gonna get bombed.
Oh, please.
You only won last time because you blue-shelled me.
- Yeah.
- So don't try it.
- It's true.
- Don't try Exactly.




1 - [WOMAN GASPING AND GROANING] - ["ROAD TO NOWHERE" PLAYING] How's that? Is that good for you? Not really.
You're just dry humping my leg.
Okay, um, let's switch positions.
We're on a road to nowhere - Come on inside - What about this? Oh, leg cramp! - Oh! Ooh! Okay.
Oh, yeah.
- We're on a road to Paradise - Oh! Oh! - Here we go - Oh! - Here we go Do you have to be so vigorous? Sex is meant to be vigorous.
- Oh! - Okay, time out.
Time out.
[SIGHS] - We're on a ride to nowhere - Um Do you want me to go down on you? Ruthie? Or we could watch Blue Planet? - We're on a road to nowhere - Okay.
[MAN ON TV] Well, the silky sharks are a beautiful shark.
And what makes them even more fascinating is that there are thousands of them here.
[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING] Hey - I went to the doctor - Minge! - [LAUGHTER] - [TEACHER] That's enough.
- Said, "Help me, doctor" - Settle down.
- ' "Cause I can't breathe" - I need a little this, a little that - [SINGER YODELING] - A little this, a little that I need a little this, a little that A little this, a little that I need a little this, a little that - [PHONE ALERT] - Ha-ha! He's just warmin' up - You gotta give him a minute - Yeah! Well, I went to the market To get what I need I need a little this, a little that Need a half pound of bloaty And two pounds of cheese I need a little this, a little that [YODELING] I need a little this, a little that A little this, a little that I need a little this, a little that Oh! - Ah-ha! - Hey.
- You're in love with Maeve.
- What? - I'm not I'm not in love.
- Mm-hm.
Don't be ridiculous.
You've been glued to your phone for, like, three weeks, and every time she texts you, this happens.
- What happens? Oh, sorry.
- Watch it, breadstick.
Okay.
Have a nice day.
This! You turn into smiley, happy cupcake Otis.
It's weird.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Maeve and I are work colleagues and we're friends.
That's it.
- Yeah.
Friends.
- Boys and girls can be friends.
Yeah, sure.
Their genitals can be friends.
I thought you said Maeve was with Jackson now, anyway.
They're not with each other.
They're just, you know Having super-hot, athletic, sweaty intercourse? - Casual sex.
- Uh! Uh! You seem to know a lot about her relationship status.
Yes, because we're friends and friends share things.
Like bodily fluids? Hey, look.
- Still looking for a job? - Hah, yeah.
Nice try, but you can't distract me from the fact that you're clearly in love with Maeve! [MURMURING NUMBERS] [BELL RINGS] [GASPING] [MOANING] - That was good.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS] I haven't seen you for a while.
I thought you didn't wanna hook up anymore.
- I've been busy.
- All right.
Do you wanna hang out later? - We just had sex.
- I mean, like You know, hang out.
Jackson, I'm not offended that you wanna keep this a secret.
It's casual and it works for me.
You don't have to try and be honorable and shit.
Okay? See you later.
Sh - [SIGHS] - [DOOR CLOSES] Oh, my God.
Jackson is so hot.
Jackson is looking at us.
[LAUGHS] God.
- Jackson's approaching us.
- Mind if I join you? - Jackson is here.
- Uh - You know Maeve, right? - Nah.
Yes, you do.
He does.
Well, yeah, I mean we're friends.
We're just friends, you know.
- Hey, man, I'm - Handsome.
- [CHUCKLES] Sorry, you are - Eric.
Eric.
Some people know me as Tromboner.
[CHUCKLES] - So, I need your help.
- Me? I mean me? - Well, Maeve and I, we're, you know - Boning.
Yeah.
And it's great.
But I've sort of realized that I want her to hang around with me more.
- Mm.
- You know, afterwards.
After the boning.
Mm.
Yeah, so I thought you could help me out.
You want him to help you get Maeve to be your girlfriend? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't really know what I can do.
- So - [CHUCKLES] - Well, I mean, you're her friend.
- You're her friend? And I heard you sort of give out sex advice.
- Yeah, he does.
- [JACKSON] Yeah.
So I thought you were the right person to talk to.
- I mean, I can pay, if that's the problem.
- [SIGHS] - I - Oh, shit, I've gotta run.
- Let's catch up later.
- Wait, no.
I really appreciate this, man.
Take care.
- Yeah.
- This [PHONE ALERT] [SIGHS] Is that Jackson's new girlfriend? Oh! Ha! You are like a pimp.
And not the cool Snoop Dogg kind.
Hm! [CHUCKLES] [PHONE RINGING] [MR.
GROFF] D.
D.
E.
And on this one you just drew a picture of a That's a It's a woman's behind.
There.
There's a - That's a bumhole, there's a vagina.
- You won't be laughing when you throw yourself off a motorway bridge at the age of 35 because of the failure you have become! I have spoken to the dean at Mountview Military this morning.
- Dad, I - Your name is on the waiting list.
You have until the end of term to get these grades up and change my mind.
[GIRLS SHOUTING] Sorry I'm late.
I had a, uh Had a thing.
Get it together, we've got clients.
Roger.
Affirmative.
Good to go.
[GIRL] It's like the more we try, the worse it gets.
Like we can't get in sync or find a rhythm.
When we're having sex, I feel like I've never seen a vagina before.
But I have, I've got one and I've looked at it a lot.
It's got to the point where when I think about touching Ruthie, I get really panicked, because I know it's gonna be really bad.
Like when you put together a bookshelf from IKEA and you realize you don't have the right screw and the whole thing was a waste of time and then you just hate everything about Sweden.
Ruthie, tell him how bad it is.
Look, I don't know why we're doing this.
It's not like some advice from a 16-year-old straight dude is gonna magically fix us.
It's stupid.
Yeah, well, I mean, you're right, Ruthie.
I'm not particularly well-versed in the intricacies of lesbian sexual relations, but I think, if I can learn a bit more about your emotional relationship to one another, I might be able to get closer to the root of the problem.
We don't have a problem with our relationship.
We're in love and it's great.
We're just inexperienced.
This is my first lesbian relationship.
Me too.
First, I mean, lesbian sex therapy session.
[CHUCKLES] So have you got any ideas, Kinsey? I'd like to have an orgasm sometime this century.
[OTIS] Yeah, leave it with me.
I'll do some research and see what I can come up with.
Yeah, brilliant.
Thanks, thank you.
How'd it go? Might be a tricky one.
[KNOCKING] Ah [SNEEZES] I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm coming down with something.
Nothing serious, though.
Do you want to come in and we can get started? - I'm just gonna grab my - Follow me.
Have a seat.
I won't bite.
So scrotal anxiety.
Your email implies you've been struggling with this for a while.
Why don't you start by telling me your earliest memory of your scrotum? [DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, goodness.
I'm sorry, I completely forgot.
I, uh [CHUCKLES] - [SIGHS] I'm having my bathroom redone.
- Yeah, I know.
I have my tools outside.
So I'd better go and get them, right? Earliest memory, I'd just turned five.
And I was looking down, and thought, "Oh, there are my balls.
" The topic for this year's sixth form essay competition is "Every great dream begins with a dreamer.
" Entry is compulsory.
This is a fantastic opportunity that could look very good on your university applications next year.
Are any of you even listening? No, I didn't think so.
Anyway Here's some more information.
Take it or leave it.
I'll be interested to see your take on this, Maeve.
Genuinely.
- [OTIS] I'm giving the money back.
- [ERIC] No, hold up.
You have a rare opportunity here to use your power for self-interest.
What do you mean? You keep the money.
Give Jackson the wrong advice.
Make trouble.
Okay, that is unethical - on so many levels.
- Oh! Yeah, unethical or badass? - Completely unethical.
- Ugh! Eric, I'm giving the money back.
Okay? End of story.
Well, after you then, Captain Morality.
[JACKSON] Otis! You tracked me down.
Listen, I I need to give this back to you.
I feel uncomfortable talking behind Maeve's back.
It's wrong.
It's unethical and it's just wrong.
- I get it.
- All right, cool.
Yeah.
No problem.
You're an honorable guy.
- Great.
Here's the money.
- Maeve is such a head-fuck, man.
Like a Rubik's Cube.
She says one thing and then does something else.
And I can't keep up.
- Know what I mean? - Not really.
But here you go.
We'll have crazy amazing sex, yeah? I'm talking, like, transcendental-level shagging.
- Okay, stop! - Aaah! And then she ignores me for days.
But then, she wants to do it again and round and round we go.
She's like some sexy merry-go-round, and I can't get off.
She's not an object! Ohh What? Uh I said she's not an object.
You keep describing her as inanimate objects, but she is a person.
Have you even thought about asking her what she wants or what she likes? - Well, what does she like? - Lots of things.
Um Female writers, for a start.
Oh, like The Hunger Games? More like, uh, Virginia Woolf or Roxane Gay or Sylvia Plath.
She also has a great taste in music.
Joy Division, Nirvana, Bikini Kill But she's not a snob.
I mean, she'll listen to pop.
And she has a really dark sense of humor.
I didn't know that.
What are you What are you doing? I'm taking notes.
This is super helpful.
No! No! I'm not helping.
- This is not helping.
- Yeah, it is.
Stop pulling your pricks and get out here! 40 lengths! Get a move on, Jackson.
Thank you so much.
You're a lifesaver.
- Take care.
- Yeah.
Bye, Jackson.
Oh, no.
["A KISS TO BUILD A DREAM ON" PLAYING] Good job.
Good job.
Give me a kiss to build a dream on And my imagination Will thrive upon that kiss Mm, sweetheart - I ask no more than this - Ugh.
Go get herpes somewhere else, guys.
A kiss to build a dream on Mm, yeah Oh, hey, Maeve.
You're not actually reading Virginia Woolf.
Why wouldn't I be? She's a brilliant mind.
Who's the big-nosed chick? A fierce, feminist voice of 20th-century Britain, obviously.
[BOY] I've never seen you read before.
Is this some kind of joke? No! I read all the time.
[TUTS] Hey.
Do you know you are the only person to take this book out of the library since 1972? Not anymore, apparently.
So now he's a feminist! You've made the hottest guy in school even hotter.
He's basically Ryan Gosling.
Well done.
You don't understand.
He's like a Jedi.
Okay? He just talked, and no matter what I did, he got what he wanted.
The one thing you had going for you was that you're all woke and shit.
Kind of counters the whole lame virgin thing.
Now he's checking his privilege.
It's game over.
- [OTIS] It's not a game.
- It is a game.
- Because Maeve and I are just friends.
- Hm.
Anyway, she's not gonna fall for this whole performance.
Oh, my God, I love Virginia Woolf.
Nice guys finish last.
Especially when there's a nicer guy with rock-hard abs.
A kiss to build a dream on Ruby thinks Kyle should change the way he dresses, but I think he looks nice.
He has been wearing a lot of trackie bottoms recently, but that's only 'cause he set his jeans on fire.
What? He's got second-degree burns on his thighs, but he was blazed when it happened, so it only hurt a bit.
Hey, Maeve.
What do you think Woolf meant by, "The history of men's opposition to women's emancipation is more interesting, perhaps, than the story of that emancipation itself"? That men are dicks, and selective castration is our only hope.
[LAUGHS] You know, you are so dark.
What? Your humor, it's dark.
I like dark humor.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] He's being so weird.
I think he's peacocking.
But with words.
[COACH] Girls, less chatting, more running! ["NANCY DREW" BY SLØTFACE PLAYING] - Look! Look, look, look! - I know! Okay! Ten thousand hours of fallin' asleep - To singer-songwriters' tunes - [HUMMING] [THROUGH HEADPHONES] In my ear Are you listening to Sløtface? Oh, what? [ACCENTED] Sløtface? Yeah, their new album is incredible.
Since when do you like punk? Oh, wait, do you like punk? - Among other things.
- Ah! Well, I've actually got a spare ticket for this local band night.
Pussyfest.
Do you wanna come? - Maybe.
- All right, it's a date.
Actually, I can't.
I've got an essay to write.
- Huh? - Have fun, though.
She's sneaking around Checking up on you [TUTS] [ERIC] She's not gonna text you.
She's texting Jackson now.
Who needs a friend when you have a boyfriend? Uh, he's not her boyfriend.
Okay? I mean, I wouldn't care if he was, but he's not.
He's literally not.
[PHONE ALERT] Well, well.
Appears you were wrong.
I've gotta go.
See, Maeve and I still run a sex clinic together.
And that's still weird.
That's really, really weird.
["BREAKFAST IN BED" PLAYING] [CLATTERING] - Hey, your face is a mess - What? - [YELLS] Is the music too loud? - Come in, baby N No, it's fine.
- You can dry the tears on my dress - Okay.
- She's hurt you again - How's it going? Quite a bit of mold, but, uh, it's fixable.
Great.
- I mean, that's fine.
- Yeah.
Are you writing another book? Uh I mean, I saw that you've you've written books, this morning, in your office.
Yes, I did.
A very long time ago.
But, um I don't really write anymore.
Why? Well, um I wrote that last book with my ex-husband.
And we split just after the publication.
And I tried, but, to be honest, um the fear creeps in a bit as you get older.
I don't know why I'm telling you that.
Fuck fear.
I'm sorry? Fuck the fear.
Tomorrow, you could be driving along in your car, happily, and then, uh, smash you, uh, head to head with an 18-wheeler truck and you're squished to the road, and you're dead.
Just a waste of time.
So fuck fear.
Hello, darling.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- [STAMMERS] Homework stuff.
- [MAN] Well I should leave you to it.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING ON COMPUTER] [KNOCKING] Sorry.
It's okay.
Hello! Are you a friend of Otis'? No, I'm here to pick up my father.
You know, intense European dude.
Thinks he's a comedian.
Piercing blue eyes.
He's got "fuck" written across his hand [MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH] Don't be a man-child, get a move on.
I'm late for work! [MAN YELLS IN SWEDISH] [MAN CONTINUES YELLING IN SWEDISH] I am ignoring you.
Hurry up.
[SIGHS] Please can I use your bathroom? Yes.
It's upstairs.
Thanks.
[PORN PLAYING ON COMPUTER] Mum! You're not my mum.
[LAUGHS] - [PORN CONTINUES PLAYING] - I just I'm not This is research! [CHUCKLES] Uh [SIGHS] You should probably think about gettin' a lock on this door.
Where's the bathroom? - Uh, on your left.
- Thanks.
- [DOGS BARKING] - [ERIC] Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Calm down.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Oh, don't annoy me.
How have you pooped? Oh, yuck.
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.
- Okay, stay.
- [WHINING] - [BAG RUSTLING] - Yeah, you should feel bad.
[SIGHS] Ugh.
- [BARKING] - Uh Francis, Bacon, get back here! - Oh! Come on! Come on! - [BARKING] What the hell? Uh, Francis! Bacon! Shit.
Oh, okay.
Come on, guys, come on.
Oh.
Come on.
[CHUCKLES] Hey.
Sorry, new job.
Dog walker.
Gay.
[DOG WHIMPERS] Quiet, Madam.
- [BARKING] - Be quiet, Madam.
Um She's not my dog.
She's my mum's.
- Yeah, she's cute.
[LAUGHS] - [YAPPING AND GROWLING] She's a champ.
Okay? She's like the Kim Kardashian of tiny dogs.
Oh.
- Up, Madam.
[CLUCKS] - [WHINES] Up! Show me tits.
- Good girl.
Oh! Good girl.
- Hey! [LAUGHS] That is wicked.
Hey, Madam sounds a bit like Adam.
[CHUCKLES] - What are you trying to say? - [DOGS GROWLING] Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay, bye.
Bye, um [BARKING AND GROWLING] [LOUD BARKING] - Madam! Madam! - Um I'm so sorry.
Uh, I've gotta drop these off, but I can come back Don't bother, okay? You shouldn't be walkin' dogs if you can't control them.
Just fuck off.
- Madam! Madam! - ["WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND IN LOVE" PLAYS] La-la-la, la-la-la - La-la-la - Ooh - Spring in the air - [BURNER CLICKING] Filled with love There's magic everywhere When you're young and in love - La-la-la, la-la-la - [LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION] Life seems to be Just a dream A world of fantasy When you're young and in love Each night seems just like - The fourth of July - [PHONE BUZZES] With stars that spangle the sky - The moon at night - [PHONE ALERT] Shines so bright Seems to shine twice as bright [PHONE BUZZES] When you're young and in love You can't even walk a dog! - So many teardrops - The mind boggles! - Are bound to fall - Think about poor Madam! - True love can conquer all - Won't last five minutes! - When you're - Are you happy? - When you're young and in love - You broke her heart.
Your own mother.
It wasn't me.
I swear it wasn't my fault.
- Excuses, excuses.
Go on, go! - Young and in love - Young and in love - Young and in love Young and in love - Young and in love - Fuck! - Young and in love - [CHEERING] Young and in love Young and in love [BELL RINGS] Hello.
Hi.
Okay, then.
I heard a thing.
Okay.
This thing concerns your virginal status.
[CHUCKLES] Excuse me? I heard on the grapevine that your cherry remains unpopped.
- That's none of your business.
- Yeah, let's skip the faux modesty.
- I'm down if you are.
- Down? Deflowering the maiden.
Breaking the lawn chair, skinning the fish.
- Your dick in my vagina.
- What do you say? Yeah, um [CLEARS THROAT] Wait, sorry, who are you? Whoever you want me to be.
Also, I'm Lily.
[SIGHS] Well, thanks, Lily, but, um I'm gonna have to politely decline.
Okay.
Well, if you change your mind, you can usually find me in music room B.
Or algebra club.
Bye, then.
[WHISPERS] Bye.
Woof-woof-woof! O-Dawg! - Uh J Dude.
- [CHUCKLES] Just wanna say thanks for the help, man.
Me and Maeve have been texting all night.
- She's, like, mad brainy.
- Yeah.
I know.
I'm actually into some of this stuff too, you know.
- It is good to look outside your bubble.
- Yeah, I guess it is.
- It's all thanks to you, man.
- You know what, Jackson? - I - Ah, that's her! - I didn't - Gotta go.
Thank you.
- Wait.
- Yeah? - Okay.
- [PHONE BUZZING] - Yo! - [SIGHS] [KNOCKING] It's for you.
It's soup, for a sick person.
Oh, no! Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
I'm feeling so much better today.
Just a scratchy throat.
Still, uh eat the soup.
It's good for you.
No one's ever made me soup before.
It's just soup.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, back to work, then.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[SNIFFS] Mm! [SIGHS] [BELCHES] [PHONE ALERT] Why don't you just go out with him? Let's do a mind map.
- What's that? - Oh, it's just writing stuff down.
But in a fun way that engages all sides of your brain.
You mean both sides.
Yeah, all of them.
It's really good for hard decisions like, should I get a fringe, even though Mum says it'll make my face look chubby? Or should I tell Mum I hate her and run away from home? Hm? So, let's start with Jackson's nice bits.
Okay.
Um He's good at sex.
Like, properly good.
Mm! - Uh, he's attractive.
- And he's popular.
Mm-hm.
And he's going places.
Like, he's not a slacker.
No, he's probably gonna be president or something.
[CHUCKLES] We don't have presidents in this country, Aimee.
Okay, what else? Do you have things in common? Yeah, we do.
- Weirdly.
- So Cons? - I don't want a boyfriend.
- I don't get it.
Having a boyfriend is the best thing.
What's so good about it? You always have someone to hang out with.
And, like, last week, I got chased by a fox, and Kyle threw a shoe at it.
It was so romantic.
This is good.
It's really helpful, being in the water, isn't it? It's freeing us up.
We're really figuring out how our bodies can intertwine.
It's working well for me.
Is it working for you? No.
How's it going, guys? [RUTHIE] What are you doing? I don't want you to think I engineered this situation for my own sexual gratification.
That would be super creepy.
Hence the backwards stance.
This is even creepier.
Just turn around.
Stop being creepy.
Well, like I said before, I am a sex and relationship therapist.
You are a teenager with an inflated sense of self-importance.
Right.
Well, I have a hunch that this is more to do with your relationship than your physical intimacy.
- How's your communication? - We've known each other since primary school, and we talk for hours.
- It might help.
- Interesting.
How long have you guys been together? About four months.
We both came out around the same time and it just happened.
Interesting.
I'm sure you find lots of things interesting, but our problem is with the sex, not the relationship.
So we're just gonna figure this out on our own.
Uh [SIGHS] Well, come back when you're ready to talk about your relationship.
Good session, team.
Great progress.
[PHONE ALERT] How's it going with Jackson? - What do you mean? - I mean You guys seem to be spending a lot of time together.
What do you care? - [SCOFFS] - I was just asking.
Sorry.
He does seem keen for us to hang out more, but I don't really get it.
Like, we have loads of sex.
So why'd he wanna complicate things? It's stupid.
Anyway, I don't do boyfriends.
Why not? You know in rom-come, when the guy finally realizes he's in love with the girl, and he turns up with a boom box outside her house, blasting her favorite song, and everyone in the audience swoons? - Yeah, that makes me sick.
- [LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] Okay, but seriously, what's wrong with boyfriends? It's just someone else to let you down, isn't it? [LAUGHS] You really think so? [GRUNTS] What the hell? What? [COUGHING] - Ah! - [YELPS] Like that, do you? Don't fucking [SPLUTTERS] So why don't you wanna go out with Jackson? - I mean, really.
- No.
We don't do that therapy thing.
Save that for the clientele.
Fine.
I'm me and he's him.
Meaning? Come on, Otis, he's Jackson and I'm You know.
- Maeve.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] No, I'm a grotty, stinky cock-biter who lives in a caravan.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - Come on! You're not.
Look You're not that stinky.
Plus, I thought it was a scrote you bit? Dickhead! Oh! [OTIS GASPS] - [SPLUTTERS] - You look like the Cookie Monster.
Wait - Ooh! Okay.
- [CHUCKLES] Ow! Yeah, let's go.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
You coming? No.
- What? You just said we better go.
- I'm staying here.
Why? Um Exercise.
Yeah, but school is closing.
Yeah, but exercise.
Okay.
You're compellingly odd, Milburn.
Fucking go away.
Must have been one hell of a blow job, Wiley.
Otis.
Uh Promise not to laugh.
I might have a mild to moderate crush on Maeve.
Yeah, no shit.
What gave it away? She, uh She touched my eyebrows and now I have an erection.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY] You said you wouldn't laugh.
Ugh.
It won't go away.
It's been half an hour, - and it's really cold.
- [ERIC LAUGHING] There's only one solution.
["(I CAN'T GET NO) SATISFACTION" PLAYING] [OTIS] Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] It's just wanking.
Oh, God.
[GROANS] I can't get no [GROANS] Satisfaction I can't get me no Satisfaction - [GAGS] - And I try and I try And I try, try, try Try, try, try, try I can't get no No, no, no Ah, stop! Ah! No! [YELPS] [SHUDDERS] AC/DC! AC/DC! Okay.
Adam and the Ants, Aerosmith, Alice in Chains.
The Blues Brothers.
Bowie, David.
The Byrds.
Okay.
[SIGHS] - Did you do it? - No.
I alphabetized my music collection and it went away.
It's okay, man.
Next time.
We won't speak of this ever again, okay? [BELL RINGS] [JACKSON] Otis! You got a minute? Yeah.
I know the drill.
[SIGHS] Bye, Jackson.
So I'm gonna ask Maeve out, properly this time.
- How do you think I should do it? - Jackson you're a smart guy.
I'm sure you can figure it out.
But I need your help.
Everything you said worked.
- I don't want to screw this up.
- I'm all out of advice, sorry.
Come on, man.
Look, we talk, we laugh.
We have crazy good sex.
Now I just wanna seal the deal.
Well what do you usually do? Well, usually I say, "Do you wanna go out?" And then they say yes.
It's that easy? Well, it's just not usually this hard.
Okay, do you even like Maeve? Or have you just never not got your way before? No, I like her.
I wake up and I'm thinkin' about her.
I go to sleep and I'm thinkin' about her.
It's driving me insane.
I think she could be the the one.
[CHUCKLES] Wait, sorry.
Sorry.
You're right.
I'll figure this out on my own.
- You've helped out enough.
- Yeah.
You know, it's weird.
You're my age, but wise.
You're like my mum in a little man's body.
Like a little mum man.
No offense.
Make a grand gesture.
What, like flowers? Grander.
Like a giant teddy bear? Much grander.
Think, like like rom-com grand, you know? Public, passionate.
Heart on your sleeve, running through the rain If it seems too much, go bigger.
- If you want her - Yeah.
show her how much.
Trust me.
All right.
Thanks, man.
You really are a good guy.
[ERIC] You are stone cold evil.
Look, you told me to screw over Jackson.
All right? This was your idea.
I say lots of stuff.
You're not supposed to listen to me.
- This is bad.
You're a bad person.
- Stop saying that.
Why are you now suddenly bad? Because I'm in love with Maeve, all right? There, I admit it.
Are you happy? Well, not really.
I think I prefer Cupcake Otis.
I need to stop Jackson.
Uh, then he'll know that you're in love with Maeve.
Then I need to warn Maeve about what he's gonna do.
Then she'll know that you took money from Jackson and gave him bad advice - because you're in love with her.
- All my options are dog shit.
Yep.
I'm going home.
Okay.
Well, have a nice night, bad man.
[JEAN] Thank you for all your work.
And for the soup.
It was very good.
I, uh washed it.
I told you, it's the best soup.
[GROANS] - [JEAN] Oh.
It's okay.
- Clumsy man.
I Thank you.
[SNIFFS] You are a strange woman.
Goodbye, then.
Just put those in there.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Jean.
Bye, Mr.
Builder.
- Hello.
- Uh Finish your research? My Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yes, I did.
It was actual research, by the way.
It's It's hard to explain.
But, um, I needed to know about scissoring.
Okay.
I'm Ola.
I'm Otis.
I got something for you.
To help with your research.
My dad installed it.
[SPEAKING SWEDISH] You know we're already recording it.
Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.
- Hey.
- See ya.
See ya.
[STARTS ENGINE] If only the wind would blow me away I'd be leavin' on my way If only the wind would blow me away Then I'd be gone All the hate I've harbored Spending nights in armor Cruising round These neighborhoods I've known I don't mind the darkness It's the light that's harshest Shines on through and cuts me To the bone - If only - [ERIC'S DAD] Eric! The wind would blow me away - I'd be thankful on that day - Eric! If only the wind would blow me away Then I'd be gone Dad, I think I know who Go get hot water and bleach.
I don't want your mother seeing this.
Yes, if only the wind Would blow me away I'd be leavin' on my way - If only the wind - [LAUGHTER] Would blow me away Then I'd be gone - Who are you pervin' on? - [YELPS] Aah! [LAUGHS] No one.
Well, um Ruthie, but I'm not perving, I'm just watching.
Never mind.
Shame the scissoring thing didn't work.
I'm so skint right now.
Uh - What's that? - It's your cut.
I treated someone.
You're a fucking gem, Otis.
[CHUCKLES] Tromboner.
Hey, Adam.
Did you find Madam? [SNIFFS] Can you smell dog shit? Wiley, can I speak to you for a second? No chemically induced hard-on today? [CHUCKLES] You're so funny, you make my dick hurt.
Listen Uh, that essay thing Sands was banging on about.
Write it for me.
- I can pay.
- The hand-in's tomorrow.
Sorry.
Shit, I really need this.
Come on, I can pay double.
Triple.
Okay.
Great.
[OTIS IN FRENCH] What did you buy from the supermarket today? Only you could make French unsexy.
[IN FRENCH] You do not want to kiss your girlfriend anymore.
Hm? [IN FRENCH] You like someone else.
Look, Tanya is my best friend.
She was really supportive of me when I came out and everything.
So when she came out too, I thought You might as well be in a relationship.
We're so close, I thought it would be the perfect relationship, but when we have sex it just feels wrong.
And when I'm doing it with Jessa everything just works.
I don't know what to do.
You have to tell Tanya the truth.
It would kill her.
You can't choose who you're attracted to.
You can't You can't engineer a relationship.
You have to do what's right.
I still think it's weird a teenage boy is a sex therapist.
C'est la vie.
[FEEDBACK FROM PA] [JACKSON] This is an urgent announcement from your Head Boy.
Will all sixth formers please head to the canteen now? Has anyone seen Jackson? Uh Maybe it's a fire drill? Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Maeve! - Look.
He's gonna make a speech.
[JACKSON] Yes, Moordale! Sorry for the interruption, but, hey, it's just your education, right? [LAUGHTER] There's somebody in this crowd who is very special to me.
And no, it's not you, Mr.
Groff.
This person is pretty damn incredible.
She's one of a kind.
But I was an idiot because I wanted to hide how I felt.
Well, I'm not gonna keep it secret anymore.
Maeve Wiley this is for you.
I think he's gonna - [FEEDBACK WHINES] - sing.
No.
No! No, no, no, no, no! You walk like a dream And you make like you're queen Of the action [LAUGHTER] You're using every trick in the book The way that you look You're really something to see You cheat and you lie To impress any guy that you fancy Guy that you fancy But don't you know I'm out of my mind? So give me a sign And help to ease The pain inside me, baby Baby Love really hurts without you I'm in Swing Band.
Why didn't they ask me to play? And, girl, you're breakin' my heart But what can I do? - Baby - Baby Love really hurts without you Love really hurts without you And, girl, you're breakin' my heart But what can I do? - Baby - Baby Love really hurts without you Love really hurts without you Will you please be my girlfriend? You dickhead.
- Come on - [CHEERING] 




Oh, my God, it's Ruby.
That girl's outfit.
Move your fake-ass bag.
What is Harriet Anders doing? I told her that Jordan secretly liked her and that she should ask him to the dance.
- Hoo.
- Poor thing.
Do you want to go to the ball with me? No.
Oh, my God.
It's like a car crash.
Oh, shit.
Oh Whoa.
That is one rank-looking vagina.
"Apologize for being a bitch in assembly tomorrow, or I reveal the photo with your face.
You know who you are.
" Bit harsh.
I love a scandal.
Whose is it? I don't know, but it looks like they've got Chewbacca vag.
Yeah, if my labia looked like that, I'd, uh, kill myself.
I feel sorry for whoever it is, you know.
You didn't look at it, did you? For, like, a second, yeah.
Didn't know what it was.
Heh.
It looked like a guinea pig with a bit of ham on it.
Just like a little Do you wanna meet my parents tonight? They've been asking about you, so I'm not the meet-the-parents type.
Cool.
We'll just have sex in the back of my car forever.
Heh.
Look, meet my parents.
Then it's over and done with.
No pressure, but Maybe.
Great.
I'll let them know.
Oi, I said maybe.
- Huh? I can't - Dickhead.
- I said dickhead.
- Heh heh heh.
It's been a month.
I thought they would've broken up by now.
Count yourself lucky she didn't bite your scrote.
Then you'd have a mangled scrote like Simon Furthassle's.
Can we stop talking about Maeve, please? Look, it was a weird blip.
- Yeah.
- I'm over it.
It's good that she's with Jackson.
We're not doing the clinic as much, so got plenty of time to get on with my normal life and do normal things.
Like feel sad and play Smash Bros? How about going to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch tonight? No! - Yeah! Ha ha.
- Aw.
Happy birthday.
- No.
I thought you forgot our tradition.
- How could I forget? - Mm.
- It's okay.
Don't get emotional.
Of course I'm gonna get emotional.
It's Hedwig, man.
- It starts at seven.
- Uh-huh.
- We're gonna get the early bus.
- Okay.
- You're slow in heels and on time's late.
- Excuse me.
I'm a bad girl in heels.
A bad girl.
Let it be known to the world.
I bet you it's Tia's.
No way.
She's fat.
This isn't a fat vagina.
- What about Cara? - No.
Those flaps are Caucasian, all right.
It's probably Maeve Wiley's.
Anyone notice whether it had teeth? What is that sticking-out bit? It looks like a micro-penis.
I've gotta go.
See you tonight at Aimee's.
- What's happenin' at mine tonight? - Study group, obviously.
Guys, my parents are still kind of angry about the party.
Guys? - It's my vagina.
- What? It's mine, okay? And I need your help.
You and that weird sex kid who looks like a Victorian ghost.
You told everyone it was my vagina.
You're a horrible person.
Why should I help you? W well, I I don't know who else to ask.
W w w I don't care.
Please.
Look, I only sent that photo to one guy.
I can't believe I was stupid enough to leave my face in it, but I was I'd just had my eyebrows done, and I was looking on fleek.
Okay, so what do you want us to do about it, then? I need you to find out who it was before assembly tomorrow.
If this picture gets released, it will be on the Internet for the rest of my life.
Uh-huh.
Who'd you send it to? Tom Baker.
Warhammer Tom? - Ah.
- Heh heh.
Oh, my God.
Well, we only dated for, like, one week.
And my nan had just died.
I I wasn't myself.
Look, I'll I'll pay.
Okay? Keep your money.
- Get lost before I change my mind.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Hey, muppet.
- Aah.
Hi, Maeve.
- Um, yeah.
Haven't seen you in a while.
- Mm-hmm.
- We've got clinic emergency.
- Clinic? Um I got to be somewhere.
I can't do after school.
The vagina photo's Ruby's.
She wants us to find out who sent it.
Tell her she should go to the police.
It's a criminal offense.
- What's this got to do with therapy? - It's a vagina.
Come on, it's not it won't take long.
I've gotta be somewhere, too.
- Why are you being weird? - Not.
I'm not being weird.
- Yes, you are.
- Well, why are you helping Ruby, anyway? It's money.
- Please? - Uh Okay.
Who did she send it to? Tom Baker.
What mortals dare enter our domain? Who doth interrupt our game of Runes of Dunbar? - We need to talk to you.
- Speak plainly, woman.
- Privately.
- We are a fellowship.
We hide nothing from one another.
Hmm.
- No! - What is wrong with you? Speak with us, or your precious fellowship will meet the same fate.
It's important, Tom.
Please.
Okay.
I didn't send that photo.
I would never do anything to hurt her.
- Prove it.
Give us your phone.
- Um - Go on.
- I don't have one.
Did you know that they emit radiation and that the radiation can cause a cancer of the balls? I don't want mutant sperm.
Check if you like.
If it wasn't you, who was it? Ruby and I dated for a week.
It was like a dream.
But then she dumped me for Glen Jacobs.
And then she dumped him because he wore the wrong socks to school.
What are you implying? Remember that topless photo of Tia Hobbs that went around? Yeah.
Well, Tia used to go out with Glen, and he called in sick today.
Coincidence? I think not.
Thanks, Tom.
You know Glen Jacobs, right? - Where does he live? - Uh, in his parents' garage.
There's loads of beanbags in it.
- Okay, where is it? - Oh, I don't know.
I just sort of arrive places.
What would you wear to meet your boyfriend's parents for the first time? Whatever you do, do not dress like you.
My brother brought a girl home once.
She wore a Nine Inch Nails T-shirt, and my mom thought she worshipped Satan.
She did a massive shit in the toilet.
My dad had to break it up with a stick.
So don't do that, either, 'cause first impressions count.
Good luck.
Eric, you can't go out dressed like this.
Go and change.
Dad, it's okay.
It's a costume.
Otis will be in costume, too.
We do it every year.
It's fine.
Put a coat on.
It's not safe.
Bye, Dad.
Ahem.
I'm off.
Oh You look fabulous.
Thanks.
Have fun.
You look different.
- I was making an effort.
- No, you look great.
- Tanya, it's fine.
- Guys.
Guys.
This is Maeve.
Oh.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Welcome.
We've made sushi.
And I've just realized it's got shellfish in.
- You're not allergic, are you? - Yeah, I'll die.
- Just kidding.
- Heh heh.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Ha ha.
That's funny.
Heh.
- We are so happy to meet you.
- Me too.
Yes.
I brought some wine.
- Jackson doesn't drink.
- Mom.
That's so thoughtful of you.
- We'll have some, won't we? - Yep.
Oi.
- Is it your birthday? - Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
It's my birthday, too.
You look brilliant.
Heh heh.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, mate.
Ah.
Ha ha ha ha.
He wouldn't go anywhere near the ocean without crying.
He was so afraid of water, he couldn't have a bath.
Mom, I was not afraid of a bath.
Ha ha.
Oh, you were afraid.
You wouldn't think it, though, would you? Can't keep him out of the water now.
- Mm.
- Okay, sorry.
Sorry.
We're babbling.
But it's just that well, we didn't think we could have a baby, so unfortunately for Jackson, he's he's our miracle.
- Mom - Oh.
Okay, okay.
Reining it in.
So what about your parents, Maeve? What do they do? Are they as embarrassing as us? No.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're, uh very normal.
Yeah.
So what do they do? Um they're accountants.
Great.
We were just saying we need new accountants.
Where are they based? They work from home, actually.
- Do they have a website? - Uh, no.
Uh, they like to work with, like, international clients.
You know, Japan and stuff.
- Ahem.
- Where's the toilet? - You can use the one in my room.
- Cool.
She's nice.
Yeah? Okay, cool.
You did tell her you don't drink, though, right? Mom.
- Just chill out.
- Come on.
Shit.
- What's up, dick stain? - Tom lied.
He has a phone.
Knew it.
Sneaky little bastard.
Wait.
Wait.
Ahh.
- What's happening? - He tossed it.
He's got rid of the evidence, the sneaky little man.
Go and confront him.
- I'm gonna miss my bus.
- You're right there.
- He's gonna get away with it.
- I can't.
I've gotta go.
- Where are you? - Clayhill Bridge.
That's near the bus stop.
Go and talk to him.
It'll be too late tomorrow, okay? Coming up on my right.
I was so close, but I just clipped it.
I think I pulled my shoulder, but it was worth it.
We're so proud of you.
Heh.
- I hope Maeve hasn't got lost.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll go check on her.
Maeve? Oi.
- No.
No.
- Stop! - Stay back! - Halt! Tom! - I'm scared.
I'm scared.
- It's me.
Otis.
Why are you wearing that? Hedwig.
I'm Hedwig.
- Well I don't know what that is.
- It's a cult movie.
Brilliant soundtrack.
Iconic amongst the LGBTQI community.
That's not the point.
Tom why did you throw your phone in the bush? You said you didn't have a phone.
Okay, I lied.
I knew it looked bad, so I made up the Glen Jacobs thing.
I didn't send that photo to everyone.
Honestly.
- It's not looking good, Tom.
- I didn't.
I just sent it to one other guy because he didn't believe I'd had sex with Ruby.
And And also, I was mad that she said I smelt like crisps.
That's not an excuse.
Who did you send it to? Kyle.
No one else.
- Hey, man.
Uh yeah.
- Dude, where are you? - The bus is in, like, a minute.
- Yeah.
No, no.
I'm gonna be there soon.
- Yeah, I'm almost there.
I promise.
- Aw.
You better alacazam yourself here now because the bus is here.
Get on.
We got to get on it.
Just hold the doors.
Uh, could you just wait one second? - My friend - That was one second.
No! No! I'll get the next one.
I'll meet you at the station.
I'm sorry, man.
Where's Tom? - Why do you look weird? - Why are you dressed like that? I'm supposed to be seeing Hedwig and the Angry Inch with Eric, but I missed my bus, so thanks for that.
- How is that my fault? - You made me chase Tom.
I didn't make you do anything.
Well, he sent the photo to Kyle.
- Kyle? Okay, we go talk to Kyle, then.
- No.
I have to meet Eric.
I'm waiting for the next bus.
- The next one isn't for an hour.
Come.
- I said no.
Fine.
Suit yourself.
- Where are we going now? - Aimee's study group.
Kyle, you're making me feel sick.
Yeah, Aimee.
He's really disgusting.
- See, told you I could do it.
- Nobody cares, Kyle.
Pizza.
Thank God for that.
Uh, who ordered pizza? - We did.
- Oh, we found your mom's credit card.
Mm-hmm.
What the actual fuck.
We need to talk to Kyle.
- What do you want him for? - None of your business.
What are you supposed to be? - I'm going to a fancy - Aimee, Cock Biter's here.
What do you want? I love your outfit.
- Thank you.
- How did it go with Jackson's parents? Not great.
I kind of fled.
- Where's Kyle? - Why? Is this a sex thing? Has he got worms or something? Has he given them to me? Am I riddled with worms now? No.
We need to talk to him.
Okay.
Ruby, where's Kyle? Probably having a whitey in the kitchen.
He's so disgusting, Aimee.
Honestly.
Kyle, we need to talk.
My skin feels like a carpet.
- Kyle, did you send out that photo? - Tread on me.
I don't wanna be a carpet.
We will fuck you up, do you hear me? You'll wish you were a fucking carpet.
- Did you send the picture? Yes or no? - Maeve.
He's out of it.
This is stupid.
She sent out the photo.
Why doesn't she go to the police? You really don't get it, do you? - You're such a man.
- Why are you so obsessed with this? Do you need money? I can lend you some.
Or is this just an excuse to run away from Jackson's thing? - What's that supposed to mean? - I find it funny that you only ever want me around when you need something.
That's not true.
- You're my friend.
- Am I? Because friends are supposed to listen to each other.
And I keep telling you I'm supposed to be with Eric right now, but for some reason, I'm here with you and the carpet.
Go, then.
Go on.
Okay, yeah.
I didn't take the money off Ruby.
You're right.
I was freaked out about Jackson's family dinner, but that's not why I'm here.
Do you know how long I've been called Cock Biter? Four years.
People I've never met call me Cock Biter to my face.
I bit Simon Furthassle's scrote.
I had sex with four guys at the same time.
I fucked my second cousin.
I'll give you a hand job for a fiver if you like.
Do you know how it started? Simon tried to kiss me at Claire Tyler's 14th birthday.
I said no.
He told everyone I'd given him a blow job and bitten his dick, and that was it.
This kind of thing sticks.
And it hurts, and no one deserves to be shamed, not even Ruby.
I didn't know that.
Whatever.
Please just help me fix this.
How do we get him to talk? Orange juice.
I need orange juice.
- Hey, man.
Um - Where are you? - Are you on a bus? - Um no.
Look, uh something's come up.
It's a bit of an emergency.
What happened? Are you all right? Yeah, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I have to do something.
I'm gonna jump on the next bus, and I'll meet you after the movie.
I I don't know, man.
Uh, I'm not feelin' it anymore.
I think I might just go home.
Okay, okay.
Well call me when you get back home and let's hang out.
It's your birthday.
We have to do something.
I'm sorry, and I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise.
Okay, I'll speak to you in a bit.
Okay, bye.
Thirteen hours until the big reveal.
Whoever came up with this is an evil genius.
Ha ha.
I am so impressed.
That better be pizza.
Hi.
I'm here for the study group.
Um, Ruby told me about it.
I'm I'm Steve.
I'm new at school.
This isn't actually a study group.
We smoke weed and bitch about people.
Ruby likes to invite guys she thinks are hot.
Oh.
Oh, I actually I kind of need to study.
I've got a ton of trigonometry homework.
Um Okay.
Uh, thanks, though.
Wait.
Wait.
I could help you study, if you like.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
- Is this the bus for Moordale? - No.
Sorry, excuse me.
Did you see anyone take my coat? It had my phone and my wallet in it.
Did you see anybody take my coat? It had my phone and wallet in it.
It was tiger print.
Sorry.
Did you see anybody take my coat? It had my phone and wallet in God.
Why do people send out naked pictures of themselves, anyway? It's a thrill thing.
You know, when you do something you're not supposed to, but somehow it makes it better.
Not that I've done it, obviously.
- Lone genitals aren't really my thing.
- Yeah? I'm just saying, I can see why people do it.
It's like not paying for a train ticket.
Or finding a lost wallet and keeping the money.
You know it's wrong, but it feels good.
I would never take money out of a lost wallet.
Have you ever done anything you're not supposed to, Otis? Yeah.
Like what? I don't I don't back up my hard drive sometimes, if I'm tired.
Wow.
Yep, it's that one.
Steal something.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
Why would I steal? - Yeah.
- Because I dare you.
- So? - I dare you to do it.
- Wh - I dare you.
Come on, it's easy.
- Don't.
I can't - Just live a little.
- I'm not Shh.
It's fine.
Whoo.
You were a man.
Now you're not.
Yeah, his shift is over.
- Hi - Hi.
Otis.
I'm supposed to be Hedwig.
Oh.
I love that film.
- You all right? - Hmm.
I'm all good.
I'm just casual.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
You just seem a bit nervous.
Hmm? Why why would I be nervous? I'm not Were you intending to pay for that? - Yeah.
- You weren't, were you? I don't know why I did that.
I I've never done anything like that before.
Yeah, I can tell.
You're an awful thief.
How much is it? Is it, like, 50p? I'm obligated to call the police.
- Don't.
Please.
- Yes, Otis.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I'm joking.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's on me.
Okay.
- Heh.
Thank you.
- It's okay.
- Heh heh.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
I got caught.
Of course you did.
I get sent images all the time.
You know, tits minges the occasional butthole.
Kyle, the vagina.
The one sent out this morning.
Did you send it? No.
I keep all the pictures for my own personal collection.
I'm more of a connoisseur of amateur erotica.
Kyle, that's disgusting.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
Get lost now.
- Go on.
- Unh.
- Go on.
- Come on.
Well, was it him? I don't think so.
Well, we're running out of time.
You're really shit at helping.
- She's just doing you a favor.
- Ah.
What's going on? - My life is over.
- Why? Rubes, what's wrong? That minge everyone's been laughing at all day it's mine, and I'm fucked.
I'm totally fucked.
Go and sit.
Ruby, um Okay, look, worst-case scenario photo goes out, everyone in school knows it's you, and you could be humiliated.
- You're not making me feel better.
- But only if you let yourself be.
Everyone has bodies, right.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I have a I have a funky-looking toe.
- Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Otis, don't.
- And I - It looks like a thumb.
- Yuck.
Anyway, point is, whoever did this is intending to shame you, but it won't work if you don't let them.
If they want to shame me, why haven't they revealed who I am already? - This is torture.
- Oh, my God.
It's a girl.
We thought it was a boy.
It's a girl.
Emotional blackmail, demanding an apology.
This is some girl shit.
What girls hate you, Ruby? All of them.
I'm a bitch, Maeve.
I'm a bitch to everyone.
- Yeah.
- I need to go home now.
Olivia, can you call me a taxi? - Use my phone.
- Mm-hmm.
Who else knows your passcode, Ruby? No one.
Just Liv.
You? Are you a bodybuilder? Ahem.
Sorry, I get a bit lost in math sometimes.
Were you speaking? Are you some kind of bodybuilder? Your arms are, like, really big.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
I love working out.
I'd like to compete one day, but, um, I have underdeveloped calf muscles.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nah, it's okay.
I also love maths.
So, I have options.
What about you? Uh I don't really know what I wanna do when I leave school.
- Mm.
- I always know when I have a spot coming.
So maybe I'll become a facialist.
- How's the trigonometry? - Yeah, it's super-hard.
But so is algebra.
I'll probably have to choose one or the other next year.
It's a really tough choice.
Have you ever tried a mind map? I love mind maps.
Here, I'll do it.
Where you goin'? Excuse me, miss.
- Want a lift? - Um, no, thank you.
Look at him.
Have you got a penis, Miss? Go on, show us your dick.
Just leave me alone, please.
You gay fuck.
Please, please.
This this isn't me.
It's it's a costume.
I was going to see a film with a friend.
I'm not a Yeah, fuck 'im.
I wasn't gonna send it to anyone.
- I just wanted her to know how it feels.
- What are you talking about? You say mean shit to me every day, Ruby.
"Your bag's fake.
Your mascara's clumpy.
You'll never have the right body type to get a proper thigh gap.
" You don't, Olivia.
It's a fact.
See? She's horrible.
I think what Olivia is saying is she feels overly criticized by you, which is still not an excuse to blackmail someone.
I only did it so she can feel what I feel just for one day.
I don't say what's wrong with you to make you feel bad.
I do it to be helpful.
Maybe Olivia wants a friend that supports her.
But we say nasty stuff about everyone.
Yes, but you have to accept the imperfect parts of people, too.
How do you guys trust each other, if not? I'm really sorry, Ruby.
I hate you.
I'm going home.
Fine.
She's such a bitch.
Hmm.
Heh.
How'd you know it was a girl? I read a lot of true crime.
- Are you all right, mate? You're bleeding.
- Yeah.
- Here, sit down.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
Um - I'm okay.
Heh heh.
I'm okay.
- Sit down.
- Anyone got a tissue? - Yeah.
- Yeah, no, I'm okay.
I'm okay.
- Here you go, babes.
You sure? Yeah.
Uh, I just I just need to use somebody's phone.
I've I've had all my stuff stolen, and I just need to go home.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Oh.
Here you go, mate.
Thanks.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm good.
Hi.
Hi.
It's Eric.
Um something bad has happened.
Can you come and pick me up? What are you gonna tell Jackson? Diarrhea attack.
- God.
- Heh heh.
He's never gonna speak to me again, is he? Why didn't you say goodbye? I was letting him off the hook.
They're not gonna want their golden boy dating someone like me anyway, so why go through the fake stuff? Yeah, well ahem If you don't open yourself up, - you're never gonna find out.
- No.
- No therapy, remember.
- What? Oh.
Oh, sorry.
You all right? I've got a jumper.
- So chivalrous.
- Heh.
Well, actually, there's Nutella on it, so not exactly.
Great.
Why are your arms so freakishly long? They're not.
- Just roll up your sleeves, you fool.
- Heh.
This one.
I'm a virgin.
- What? - I I'm a virgin, and I I thought you should know that I am.
- Yeah, that's totally cool.
No judgment.
- Cool.
Glad I shared.
I'm gonna head off now.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- You okay getting home? - Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Mom.
Is everything all right? Eric.
I'll leave you boys to talk.
I'm sorry, dude.
This This thing came up with with Maeve and the clinic, and it was serious, but this crazy thing happened.
I think we had a moment.
It was full-on, and I I messed it up.
- What happened to your face? - You were with Maeve? Yeah.
Yeah, it was it was because of the photo that's going round.
You left me alone dressed like this because you wanted to hang out with Maeve? No, no, not on purpose.
But Oh, you are so self-centered.
You don't care about anyone but yourself.
What? That that's not fair.
Eric why are you so angry? Because we've been friends since we were nine years old, and you've abandoned me for someone that you've known for five seconds.
You've changed, man.
The old Otis would never do that.
- I didn't - No, but you did.
You seriously think that she likes you? You can't even touch yourself, man.
Wake up.
I'm self-obsessed? You can't stand it if you're not the center of attention all the time.
Well, at least I'm not delusional.
No, the truth is, Eric, you're only angry right now because I'm getting a life beyond our friendship, and you can't deal with it.
I rang your mom to pick me up because this is where I felt safe.
I think I made a mistake.
You all right, darling? Do you want to talk? What happened? - Nothing.
- Eric, talk to me.
Nothing happened, Dad.
I don't wanna talk about it.
If you're going to live like this you have to toughen up.
Did you come back for your shoes? Look, I'm sorry, okay? I don't want to have a girlfriend that I don't know anything about.
For Chrissake.
Let's just go see where I live, then.
It's nice.
Some of them, anyway.
Mom's got addiction issues, and my dad pissed off before I can remember.
So they weren't accountants, then? I'm not a shiny person, Jackson.
I've been on anti-anxiety medication since I was 11.
Sometimes I get panic attacks so bad, I think I might die.
I puke most mornings before assembly and after every race.
I don't sleep well because I can't stop my mind from whirling, and my moms might be getting a divorce.
They fight all the time.
And it's like I'm the glue that's holding them together.
It's a lot.
When I'm with you, I just It's the only time I don't feel my mind's going, like, a hundred miles an hour.
I thought your family was perfect.
Not so shiny, either, am I? So am I gonna get a house tour, then, or what? Heh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay, good.
Firstly, a very serious warning about pornographic images shared on mobile devices.
This kind of behavior is not only despicable but it has very serious consequences that may result in legal action.
Now, we do not know who sent the photograph in question.
However, we are continuing to look into it.
I heard it's Ruby's vagina.
- Thank you.
- Ruby's got big beef curtains.
Now It's my vagina.
- Sit down.
- No.
That is my vagina in the photo.
Sit down.
No, it's my vagina.
Now thank you, Maeve.
Settle down, please.
You're both wrong.
It's my vagina.
It mm It cannot be all your vaginas.
I also have a vagina.
Well, congratulations.
Please sit down.
- It's my vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Enough.
- It's my vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Thank you.
I understand - what you are trying to do.
- It is my vagina.
You don't have a vagina.
You do not have a vagina in the same way that I do not have a vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Please, would you all just sit down? - It is required - It's my vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Ah, just sit down.
- It's my vagina.
- Vaginas! Bloody vaginas! It's my vagina.




1 [WOMAN] I can't stop thinking about [UPBEAT DRUM MUSIC PLAYS] [REMI] What? [WOMAN] You.
In a sexual way.
[REMI] Yeah, it's what we call, erm transference, it's, er It's quite common.
Something we can work through together.
I'd like to work through it.
Hm.
I'd also like to have sex.
Oh.
Right now.
Hm.
- [THUMP] - [CERAMIC BREAKING] - [MOANING] - [RHYTHMIC CREAKING] [MOANING] [REMI] Sh, sh, sh! - Shhh.
- [GASPING] "There was once a very happy horse called Hubert.
Hubert was so happy, he would run around all day long" - Mummy.
- Mm? Why was Daddy naked with that lady? What do you mean, darling? Daddy was naked with that lady in his office.
I saw their bums.
Do you know what sex is, Otis? Sex is when a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina.
Does it hurt? It can.
Intercourse can be wonderful, but it can also cause tremendous pain.
And if you're not careful sex can destroy lives.
"Happy Hubert was going to the happy horse festival, to see all his happy horse friends" [BIRDSONG] [INTRO MUSIC PLAYS] Forty days in Kansas Forty nights in pain This world took my fame That world took my name Here go I with nothing Here go I the same [ALL TALKING] White swan on the river - Yes, it is my job! - No, it isn't! Yes, it is my job! Black swan in the rain [IN AFRICAN ACCENT] Eric! You look - Normal.
- I was going to say "nice".
Your bruise is healing.
I keep telling you that bike is dangerous.
Everyone stop staring.
Let's eat.
Dear Father God, thank You for waking us all up in the morning.
I'm very thankful for this food.
In Jesus' name, amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
[REMI] Ah, phew Busy, busy, busy.
Yet another TED talk to do tomorrow, and then straight back on to the book tour.
First stop, Las Vegas.
And that is one crazy town! [CHUCKLES] How are you doin', dude? I'm good.
Yeah, I'm really good.
Great.
Just Overcompensation merely masks an unconscious weakness, Otis.
Now, come on, talk to your old man.
[SIGHS] I, er I had a fight with one of my best mates.
He said some stuff We both said some stuff, and Actually No, it's all right.
I'm fine.
It's fine.
Oh, come on, pal.
What are you trying to say? How old were you when you lost your virginity? Ah Uh Two days after my 15th birthday, to be exact.
So, you're still a virgin.
Well, that That's cool, kid.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, but I'm I I'm I can't even just I'm behind.
I'm way behind my peers.
Listen.
The first time you do it, it will probably be bad.
The good stuff comes later.
So you have to ask yourself, "Why am I waiting?" It's kind of like skydiving, you know.
[CHUCKLES] Yes.
At some point, you've just gotta Whoo! Chuck yourself out of the plane.
[LAUGHS] So, I should just jump? Yeah, exactly.
Just rip that Band-Aid right off.
How's your father? He's fine.
Did you talk to him about your fight with Eric? I think it's important - you don't bottle up residual guilt.
- Mum! What did you talk about? Father-son stuff.
[SIGHS] [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS] [COACH] Yeah, keep going, Jackson! Come on, man! Let's go! Pain is temporary, eh? Greatness is forever, Jackson! No, man! You're miles off! Huh? You're coming up out of the water straight into the stroke, man.
You're losing all your technique.
How many times have we gotta go through this, Jackson? Right, listen.
Don't take your eye off the ball.
You need to focus.
I am focused.
Look.
You've got your whole life for girlfriends, Jacko.
You've got county trials coming up.
And then you're on to the nationals.
Remember, winners never quit.
- Quitters never win.
- Aye.
Let's go again.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS] What's happened, Tromboner? Yeah? Woken up straight? Well, you look shit.
So I think I need to talk to Otis.
- Problems with Kyle? - Oh, no, I'm with Steve now.
Who's Steve? You know, Top-Heavy Steve? - Hm? - Built like a Chupa Chup.
Cool.
Yeah.
I'll book you in.
You're in the library first period, right? Great.
You can take these back for me.
Oh, and by the way, I have some late fines.
[COMICAL DRUM MUSIC PLAYS] I'd like to be helpful.
Give me some.
Come on.
- Hi, Maeve.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Great.
Yeah.
- Great.
- Cool.
[DOOR OPENS] Hey! - Watch where you're goin'.
- Sorry.
[MAEVE] Trouble in paradise? He won't talk to me.
[MR.
GROFF] Er, good morning, Moordale.
Er, let's start today's assembly with a very special announcement.
Er, the winner of this year's sixth form essay competition has been decided.
So, the, er award goes to Er, Adam Groff.
[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYS] Erm Er Well, le let's, er Let's give Adam a round of applause as we welcome him on stage to, er, read out the winning entry.
L Er, Langston [FEEDBACK] [STILTEDLY] "Langston Hughes wrote a poem called 'Dreams.
' He said, 'Hold fast to dreams, for, if dreams die, life is but a broken-winged bird, that cannot fly.
' Er, Joseph Conman.
- Con - [WHISPERS] Conrad.
Conrad.
Joseph Conrad was right.
We live as we dream.
Alone.
Er In ten years' time I hope I have my arms and my hands" Oh, by the way, can you meet Aimee in the, erm, science lab after lunch? She's having bedroom problems with Steve.
Who's Steve? Top-Heavy Steve? Looks like an ice-cream cone.
- Yes! Okay.
Science lab.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I'll be there.
- Cool.
- [BELL RINGS] - Oh, erm Maybe don't mention that you're a virgin.
Like, obviously, it's totally cool.
Not that big of a deal.
However, could be really bad for business.
- Sure.
Yeah, I won't tell anyone.
- Nice.
- See you later.
- See ya.
[LILY] Would you like to have sex with me? It's a no-strings-attached kind of situation.
I only want one thing.
- Your dick.
- I've got a girlfriend.
Sorry.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
What is it with boys? It's like you all suddenly woke up with boundaries.
I've been thinking about your proposition.
- If you're still interested - Yes.
Great! Fantastic.
To be clear, I don't want to have sex with you specifically.
- Just a human man with a penis.
- That's great for my self-esteem.
I feel the same way.
[CHUCKLES] Purely pragmatic.
- Do you wanna meet up this week? - Tonight.
Your house.
I'll bring the condoms.
- You bring the lube.
- No [KNOCK AT DOOR] [LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS] Hi.
Hello.
I'm here to put in new taps.
Yes.
- In case you forgot.
- No.
No, I didn't forget.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
So - The bathroom.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
[BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER] Could you possibly take a look at something else first? Your son is very angry.
- No? - Well, actually, - he's usually quite contained.
- Okay.
I have two teenage daughters.
They used to be angels.
And now they are evil.
Like demons from Hell.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] I I love my girls.
Hm? I do, but I don't like them very much.
[SIGHS] Yes, well middle adolescence is a tumultuous stage of development.
So, you dislike your son too? Oh, well, that's a very strong word to use about one's child.
Do you always avoid questions like this? No.
Of course not.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
Okay.
Erm Sometimes, I do dislike my son.
I mean, yes, he used to be sweet and really loving, and now he doesn't share anything with me.
I mean, I understand that it's a natural stage of puberty, the desire for autonomy, but I guess I wasn't expecting it to hurt quite so much.
Hm.
But we can never let them know how much they make us feel lonely.
Wardrobe is fucked.
Now I'll fix your bathroom.
[OTIS] So, Aimee, what seems to be the problem? So, me and Steve are having sex, and everything's completely normal, until [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Mm.
Mm.
Do you wanna come on my face? Not really.
Why? I, er I like your face.
Mm.
Mm! What about my tits, then? - Hm - Do you wanna come on them? I'm sorry, can can we stop? - Have I done something wrong? - No.
It's just Do you actually want me to do any of that stuff? Yeah.
I think so.
It feels like you're performing.
Tell me what you want.
I don't know what I want.
No one's ever asked me that before.
Steve says his "thing" is girls properly enjoying sex.
He says he can tell I'm being fake.
- Well, are you? - Yeah.
I'm always fake.
Well, you should probably think about you know, things you enjoy when it's just you.
Alone.
Ugh! I don't do that.
- Yuck! - Er, you don't - Really? - No.
I always have a boyfriend.
Well women do tend to feel more shame surrounding masturbation than men.
Feeling that it's it's sort of taboo, or dirty.
Which it isn't.
And of course, some men also feel this way about areas.
- What's that got to do with anything? - Nothing, I'm just What I'm saying is before you talk to Steve, you you should probably figure out you know, what works for you and your body.
So you're prescribing a wank? Yeah.
Er ah Okay! Okay! Okay.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! [CLEARS THROAT] Ah! Mm! Mm! Who is the rogue metronome? Huh? No culprits then, right? Okay, I see.
You got away with it this time, but I am watching you with my ears.
[LAUGHS] That's impossible, by the way.
Let's try again.
One, two, three, and Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Stop.
Stop.
What's going on, guys? - Talk to me.
- It's Tromboner.
- He's bad.
- [GIGGLING] That's harsh, Neville.
Okay? Eric needs our support.
You are jazz, Eric is jazz, I am jazz.
[LAUGHS] Okay? E-Man.
What's up today? Sir, he's wasting everybody's time.
- Okay - No, I'll go, then.
Hey, it's chill, E-Man.
My name is Eric! Stop trying to be cool.
You're an alcoholic music teacher who thinks that he "gets jazz".
You're tragic.
I don't appreciate that tone.
- Eric, come back here - Don't fucking touch me! What happened to Tromboner? I think he's going for that prison chic.
- [GRUNTS] - [GASPING] [PANTING] Eric [WOMAN ON PA] Eric Effiong to Mr.
Groff's office.
Eric Effiong to Mr.
Groff's office.
What'd you think of Adam's essay? I wasn't paying attention, to be honest.
I was just thinking about - [BOTH] The counties.
- Yeah.
Speaking of that I really need to focus for the next few weeks, so I might not be able to, like hang out as much.
Sorry for being boring.
We're not married, Jackson.
It's fine.
[STRING MUSIC PLAYS] Be right back.
Hey, frog face.
Did you miss me? Ooh! Whoa! Okay, I'll probably just - Okay - Why are you bothering my girlfriend? - Girlfriend? - Stop it.
Stop it! Sorry, who's the dickhead? - My brother.
- What? Oh Sis, did you not tell Action Man about me? - Where the fuck have you been? - Houston.
Texas.
- [SIGHS] - Training to be an astronaut.
[BELL RINGS] I've lost my keys.
[KEYS CLATTER ON GROUND] - I didn't know you had a brother.
- You do now.
[SIGHS] Suspended.
And detention for the rest of the term.
[CHUCKLES] What were you thinking? At least I'm not expelled.
That's not the point.
Did someone try and hurt you? Just sick of everyone treatin' me like shit.
[SIGHS] It's how we all feel.
But you can't go around punching people.
- You told me to toughen up.
- But not like that.
What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of man do you want me to be, Dad? I, er I know you wrote Adam's essay.
- Don't know what you're talking about.
- Really? Go tell Groff if you're so sure.
Oh, and get you expelled? I don't think that's what you want, is it? Look.
Lots of people have acquired knowledge, Maeve.
Not many people have ideas.
You're an original thinker.
I don't need the inspirational speech, thanks.
I want you to think about applying for the Moordale Aptitude Scheme.
It could help you get a university scholarship.
Just think about it and let me know.
[INTRO DRUM BEAT PLAYS] [BELL RINGS] [JAZZ PLAYS] Right [DOORBELL RINGS] Let's do this.
Do you, erm [CLEARS THROAT] Do you like manga? [YELPS] Sorry.
Erm That was I need a safe word.
[CHUCKLES] Flamin flamingo.
I'm not very experienced.
- [WHISPERS] I'm sorry.
- Me either.
That's the whole point.
I know.
I know, it's just I I'm gonna need to take things slow.
Yeah.
Do you have any music? To set the mood.
Er - [WHALE SONG PLAYS] - Ooh.
Erm Er [CHUCKLES] Whale ambience helps me sleep.
[WATER BUBBLING] - [CLEARS THROAT] - [JAZZ PLAYS] Did you know that whales only have sex for 35 seconds? Which is odd, actually, because their penises are seven feet long.
I reckon you could drown in their come.
[GASPS] Fascinating.
[SIGHS] So, exactly how slow are we talkin'? 'Cause I'm good to go.
[LIVELY BEAT MUSIC PLAYS] Surprise! - [BLASTS PARTY BLOWER] - You clever boy.
It's all right, love.
We wanted to celebrate.
[CHUCKLES] I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, Mum.
Aren't we so proud? - Oh, yes.
Yes! - Proud of Adam, yes! Erm Ye Yes, already said.
We're very proud.
[BLEEPING] [TROMBONE MUSIC PLAYS] Hi, Jeffrey.
[MUSIC STOPS] I'll get the rent to you by the end of the week.
It's all right, Miss Maeve.
Your brother's already paid.
Funny lad.
[CHUCKLES] [BLEEPING] [BLEEPING SPEEDS UP] - [WHIRRING] - [LOUD BEEP] [FEEDBACK] Ah, toss.
Looking for my wedding ring.
- Cynthia and I had another fight.
- Oh.
I got a tattoo, I thought she'd like it.
- I mean, it's nice, right? - Erm Yeah.
Yeah, it's uncanny.
[BLEEPING] Hm.
Bye, Jeffrey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Let go me hand I summon up the power of Banana Klan Witness the fitness The Cruffiton liveth One hope, one quest [TURNS MUSIC OFF] Pancakes, your favorite.
Is this supposed to make up for the fact you left without saying goodbye? - Pancakes with chocolate chips.
- I woke up and you were gone.
Chocolate chips, which I shall arrange into smiley faces - like when you were five? - You disappeared for four months, Sean! - I was really fucking worried.
- Look, I know I'm a bastard, all right? I got into some trouble.
I was selling this guy's merchandise.
- I knew it.
- No, no, no, not drugs! I don't do that do that shit anymore.
Long story short, it was about a grand's worth of rip-off Nikes, combined with a very ill-informed drunken night out, resulting in a lot of lost goods and a very angry and actually quite aggressive supplier.
Basically, I had to disappear.
And I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you always are.
Why are you back? Do you need money? Do you know what? I I'm just gonna go.
- This is ridiculous.
- Go.
Where are you gonna go? Texas? They have space training in Russia as well, you know, Maeve? I mean, it is a shame about the weather, and the human rights issues, but actually, very good rockets.
Those pancakes better have whipped cream on them.
What do you take me for? An amateur? [SIGHS] [SIGHS] [SIGHS HEAVILY] Ah! [MOANING] [YELPING] [PANTING] [GRUNTING] [GROANING] [CRYING OUT] [PANTING] Hmm! I want a crumpet.
[OPERA ARIA PLAYING] Oh! Eww Okay, this is too slow.
[SIGHS] Look, I just I think we can work up to the more intimate stuff.
We've been holding hands for 45 minutes.
I know how to hold hands.
I'm here to fornicate.
Let's try something new? I could suck your balls.
I was thinking more like a soft hug.
What's a soft hug? You know, just Mm.
Soft.
Why don't I wank you off? You could go down on me.
- I can't do that.
- Do you wanna do this or not? Bye, then.
Wait! You're quite sexy.
You're sexy too.
I know.
- Squeeze my nipples.
- [CHUCKLES] Like that? - [LOUD ORCHESTRAL MUSIC STARTS] - That Wow.
My fantasy Friday playlist.
[CHUCKLES] - [SIGHS] - [TURNS MUSIC OFF] - ["LET'S DO IT" BY TONE LOC PLAYS] - Let's do it Workin' all week Nine to five for my money So when the weekend comes I go get live with the honey Rollin' down the street - I saw this girl and she was pumpin' - Oh, my God.
[FOOTSTEPS] You're writing.
Yes.
- Trying to, anyway.
- It's good.
- Yeah.
- I'm done with the bathroom.
Oh.
Great.
- If you wanna take a look? - Yes, yes, I would.
Sorry.
You have just a piece of fluff.
Are you gonna sniff my head again? [LAUGHS] No! No, erm - Yes, no, just a piece of fluff.
- Yeah, yeah, I see.
- Thank you for removing this - Oh fluff.
Look, we are obviously physically attracted to one another.
I mean, that comes down to compatible pheromones.
- Is it? - Yes.
I mean, only about ten percent of men have high enough quantities of androsterone, which is the pheromone that gives humans what we call sex appeal.
I mean, these These men don't even need to be remotely attractive.
- But the pheromones - Yes, just send off powerful signals of attraction.
- Maybe later you'll get your chance - Okay.
- So when the show was finished - [GROANS] I took her around the way And what do you know? She was good to go - Without a word to say - Can I touch your penis? We was all alone and she said "Tone, let me tell you one thing I need $50 to make you holler I get paid to do the wild thing" [GROANS] [YELPS] Stop! Let me go! Flamingo! [WHEEZING] - Wild thing - Get my mum.
- Get my mum! - Your mum? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven You can't help yourself, can you? - You - Why are you always so dramatic, Jean? - You put your cock in her! - No, you're behaving like a crazy woman! - You make me into a crazy woman! - [GLASS SHATTERS] [REMI] Look, I I cannot be around you when you're like this.
- Remi, don't You - No, I'm going out! - [DOOR SLAMS] - Otis? Sweetheart? Why are you staring at me? Ah, you gave us quite a fright, darling.
What happened, exactly? We were trying to have sex, but I think it was a bit much for him.
[OTIS] Okay.
I'm fine.
I'm fine, guys.
I just I got overheat I got overheated.
[SIGHS] So, come on.
You're not actually datin' - this Action Man dude, are you? - Yeah, I am.
Why? He just He just seems so serious.
All right.
All right.
Come on, then.
Tell me about your golden boy.
He's nice.
He's nice, is he? - Is that it? - No, he's He's in the swim team.
And he's got a great family.
He's good at school.
He's a really good guy, you know? Well, I'm very happy for you.
- Hm.
Yeah, you seem it.
- [PHONE BUZZES] Sh [SIGHS] Hello? Yes, mate.
Right.
- [SCOFFS] - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, I'll be there very, very shortly.
Yes.
Okay, bye.
Right, that was an old mate.
I'll be back very, very soon.
- Mm-hm.
- Is there any chance I could just scab a very little tenner? Which I promise I'll pay you back as soon as I get a new job.
- Scout's honour.
- You didn't go to Scouts.
- Inside pocket in my bag.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It's good to be home, frog face.
Disappear again and I'll stab you in the eye.
[CHUCKLES] Tell everyone about your essay.
It's a very long essay, Mum.
No one wants to hear about that.
It's boring.
[MRS.
GROFF] No, it's not.
We want to hear.
Go on, tell us about the Langston Hughes quote.
So clever.
- Hm! - Who was Langston Hughes? [SIGHS] Well, Langston Hughes Langston Hughes was a very famous, erm erm - golfer.
- [CORK POPS] I thought he was a poet.
Oh! [LAUGHS] That's so our Adam.
- Such a prankster.
- Yeah.
- Ha-ha! - [LAUGHING] [LILY] So, Glenoxi arrives on the planet of Fuck, which is run by mutants who have vulvas instead of tongues, and she meets Lord Zortac.
And, at first, she despises him, because he was responsible for killing her entire family during the war of Gamma Velorum, but then she forgives him when he agrees to become her sex slave and also, Glenoxi's a bit of a slut.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
Good.
Sorry this didn't go according to plan.
My expectations were extremely low, to be honest.
I don't think you're ready.
Well hope you find someone who is.
Yeah? Me too.
[VAN PULLS UP] [POP MUSIC PLAYING] - [TURNS MUSIC OFF] - Hey, thief.
How's your lock? Er Yeah, it's, erm life-changing, actually.
- Yeah.
- Was that your girlfriend? No! [CHUCKLES] Er, definitely not.
Erm I'm just destined to be alone.
- Your dad's inside.
Shall I get him? - Nah, don't bother.
[HORN BLARES] I think my dad likes your mum.
He changed his shirt three times and put on way too much aftershave.
Well, my mum doesn't really do boyfriends.
She's a man-eater.
That's kind of a weird way to describe your mother.
It's kind of weird that you drive your dad around everywhere.
- Doesn't he have a licence? - He's a drunk.
I'm so sorry.
Er I I - That was stupid, I didn't I - [LAUGHS] I'm messing with you.
Yeah, no, he just got caught speeding too many times.
He's had his licence suspended for six months, yeah.
My sister does mornings and I do afternoons and nights.
[CHUCKLES] It's like you're the parent and he's a he's a big, hairy child.
[LAUGHING] Yeah.
[LIGHT DRUM MUSIC PLAYS] Do you wanna go out with me? Well, I think you're funny, and I wanna go out with you.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Give me your phone.
If you want to hang out, call me.
Great.
- Cool.
- Cool.
[CHUCKLES] Bye.
[HORN BLARING] Stop honking! I'm coming! Sorry.
[SIGHS] [SIGHS] We should really talk about the pheromones.
Thank you.
- [SIGHS] - For all the work.
[SIGHING] Yeah.
It was nice meeting you, Jean.
Yeah.
It was nice meeting you too, Jakob.
Hi.
Thank you.
[YAWNS] [WOMAN ON TV] Die slowly.
It cuts to thousands of pieces.
- [MAN] Right.
For the first time today.
- It's your favorite.
[MAN] Why use your venom on me? - [WOMAN] You killed my love.
- [MAN] That's possible.
I've killed a lot of people.
[MAN ON TV CONTINUES TO SPEAK] Do I ever remind you of Dad? Sometimes.
But just the good bits.
Come on.
[MAN AND WOMAN ON TV ARGUING] Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Why don't you ask Eric over? [SIGHS] I don't think he's gonna forgive me, Mum.
Course he will.
If you keep trying.
Show him you mean it.
You'll be friends again before you know it.
You'll see.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS] [SIGHS] Yeah.
I'll just be a sec.
[CLEARS THROAT] [GASPS] Erm I don't know what happened earlier.
But it seemed like it was a big step.
I'm not prying, I just I just want to know that you're okay.
I'm okay.
[PHONE BUZZES] [RINGING TONE] Hey, it's Eric.
Sorry to miss you.
Call back when you can.
Brrring! [FAST BEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS] [CLEARS THROAT] [COACH] Right, come on, Jackson! Push, man! Keep the stroke going! You're close, son! Come on, man, let's go, let's go! - Yes! Yes! - [LAUGHS] Well done! Yes, sir! Power! [LAUGHS] Look at the time.
[LAUGHS] Whoo! [SOFT ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES] - Hey, man, can we talk? - Are you gonna hit me? - No.
- Yeah, let me guess.
Wrong place, wrong time, am I right? Look, I just I I thought that it would feel good, but it it didn't.
Decking the other gay guy, yeah, that's perfect, Eric.
Look, I I'm really sorry.
Look, if it helps, I used this to come out to my mum, okay? What, she didn't know? I ju [STAMMERS] I I just thought you had it all figured out.
Yeah, well, you assumed wrong.
And she now thinks you're a gay-basher.
[SIGHS] So if you get filthy looks from an Indian lady, don't take it personally, okay? S-So this punching you in the face thing has probably ruined our chances of being together? Bitch, please.
Pretty boys like me are definitely not your type, okay? Enjoy suspension, trumpet boy.
What's my type? Still not your friend.
[SIGHS] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS] Aimee? You all right? I've been wanking all night.
I ate four packets of crumpets and I think my clit might drop off.
But I know exactly what I want.
That's, er excellent.
I gotta go find Steve.
Oh, my God.
Wonders never cease.
[SCOFFS] Yeah.
Speaking of which, Aimee's now calling you the Pleasure Master.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES] That's, er incorrect.
- Mm-hm.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
[SIGHS] My brother's back in town.
- Yeah? - Mm.
- Is that a good or bad thing? - I don't know, we'll see.
I really liked your essay.
- You haven't read my essay.
- No.
But I did hear it.
"We live as we dream, alone.
" - It's very bleak.
- Depends on your perspective.
- How did you know it was mine? - Well, Adam thought As You Like It was a song by Jay-Z.
- [CHUCKLES] - And only you could turn the topic of dreams into existential angst.
Pessimists outlive optimists.
We're in for the long haul, then.
[CHUCKLES] That That trophy should be yours.
Don't give it away next time.
- I'll see you later.
- See you later.
- Hey, Miss Sands.
- Hey.
What do I have to do for this Aptitude Scheme thing? I'll find out everything you need.
Glad I got through, Maeve.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER] [KNOCK AT DOOR] Come in.
Hello.
[CHUCKLES] Er We need to talk about Adam's essay.
What about it? Did it sound like Adam to you? Are you suggesting I don't know what my own son sounds like? I am suggesting that someone else wrote it for him.
Miss Sands, can we have this conversation at another time? - I'm running late for an appointment.
- Of course.
- We'll, er pick it up later.
- Hm.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS] Okay, so, here's what I want.
I want you to rub my clit with your left thumb.
Start slow but get faster, but not too fast.
When I start to shake, blow on my ear and get ready for fireworks.
I'm on it.
You know my baby, she's so hot I promise you, she was she was massive.
You wouldn't recognize her.
- Completely - You didn't used to roll her around! No, yeah.
It was the only way of transporting her.
- [LAUGHS] - She couldn't walk.
You couldn't pick her up.
She was heavy.
Sean was just telling me how fat you were as a baby.
Remember? Mum used to call you the Michelin Man.
Ha-ha.
Yeah, that's funny.
Don't you have training? Yeah, but I skived off.
I thought, you know, we could hang out.
Is that cool? Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool.
Ooh, ooh, before you go in there, erm could you grab us a couple of beers? No.
Jackson doesn't drink when he's training.
Ooh! Is Action Man teetotal? - Yeah.
- Come on, do you ever loosen up? - Sean - Oh, come on, it's just a question.
Actually, go on then, one beer won't hurt.
One tasty beer comin' right up.
Come on, then.
Aaah! What do you think of my biceps? It's the gym, man.
Maeve is smelling Otis ‘s jumper.




Not you! Piss off! What the fu Lizzie? - Hey.
- Hey.
How are you? I'm fine.
Why? What do you mean, why? I'm asking how you are.
- That's not weird, that's normal.
- You've never asked me how I am before.
Bloody hell! I won't do it again, then.
Sorry for asking.
That's more like it.
Aww.
Don't you want to live happily ever after? Please.
Do I look like I have a Cinderella complex? Are you going? It's an appropriated American tradition that celebrates sexism and peddles an unrealistic portrayal of romantic love.
So, no.
Agreed.
Ritualized teenage fun sucks.
Eric would have forced me to go.
He loves that stuff.
- He genuinely has a Cinderella complex.
- Have you apologized yet? Yeah, I tried, but he's still not talking to me.
He'll come round.
Maybe.
Anyway, your 8:30 awaits.
- Thanks.
See you later.
- Good luck.
See you later.
I don't understand why Lizzie doesn't want to go to the ball with me.
I have tried every romantic gesture in the book.
Have you tried asking her? That was the first thing I did.
She said that she was flattered, but she wasn't dating.
- Okay.
- But things change, though.
And she was flattered.
Well, I know it's hard, but if you've asked her and she's said no, then I think you've got your answer.
But maybe her dad squished the message on the cake with his foot, so she doesn't know that I'm still interested? You said you sent her a letter, Yeah, it was full of glitter and green Jelly Babies.
I know that she likes them.
But the post is unreliable.
It might not have arrived.
And you also spelt out "I love you" on her lawn in leaves? - Yeah, but that could have blown away.
- I think the answer's no, Liam.
But she hasn't actually said no.
And girls love big gestures, right? Like Jackson singing to Maeve Wiley, and now they're together.
That's different.
Maeve actually likes Jackson.
It would have been inappropriate if Jackson had continued to make grand gestures to a girl who made it clear she wasn't interested.
Do you understand, Liam? No means no.
Unless it means yes.
Okay, let's .
um let's go through this again.
Hey! What time shall I pick you up tonight? - What for? - For the ball.
I'm not going to the ball.
Course you are.
We're going together.
What about me says school dance? But I bought a suit, I got you a corsage.
You got me a flower handcuff, but forgot to invite me? Yeah We're going out.
I thought it was a given.
Oh, come on.
I've been really looking forward to this.
- Mm-hmm? - Me and you, dancin', havin' fun? You know what fun is, right? - It's what people our age do sometimes - Yeah, very funny.
Come on, it won't be good without you.
Come on, please? - Fine.
- Yes! No selfies, or slow dances, or soppy song requests.
Okay, yeah, cool.
- I'll pick you up at 7:30.
- Mm.
- Wait, you do have a dress, right? - Yeah, course.
I'm not a troglodyte.
Yeah! Shit Ah Yeah.
- Hello, Jakob.
- Yeah, hello.
I seem to have broken my kitchen tap.
- Who is this? - Jean.
Jean Milburn? You did my bathroom recently.
Yeah.
I remember.
Do you think you could possibly come and fix it? No, I can't.
I'm busy.
Er Okay.
Well, it's not an emergency.
Tomorrow? Well, I'll check my schedule and get back to you.
Goodbye.
Sorry.
Work stuff.
And, uh why do you think Moordale would be a good fit for you, young lady? To be honest, my current school is in administration because the headmistress embezzled our finances.
She's on the run now in Mexico with our geography substitute, Mr Peabody.
So, I kind of need a new school.
For, like, education.
It's true! Well honesty is exactly the kind of attribute we look for in this institution.
Also, your grades are very impressive, and we are aiming to improve our average.
Come on.
Ola? What are you doing here? Uh I'm looking for a new school.
Your headmaster is considering me.
Although he's a very rigid man.
Like a living Easter Island statue.
- Yeah.
- Stop flirting now.
Come on.
Just wait in the van.
I'll be there in a minute.
You never called.
Yeah, I, um I composed a bunch of texts, and after reading them, I just felt immensely uncool.
So, I decided to not text you anything.
I'm an idiot, sorry.
I heard the Untouchables are coming in a limousine! Oh, my God! If I had a limousine, I would totally have sex in it and film it.
School dance tonight.
Right.
Are you going? It's an appropriated American tradition that celebrates sexism and peddles an unrealistic portrayal of romantic love, so I like dances.
- You do? - Yeah, I think dancing's fun.
Anyway, I'd better go.
Bye, Otis.
See you.
Ola! Ola, uh Do you do you want to go to the dance with me? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
Well, um, it starts at eight, I think.
So, aim to get there for seven? I'll pick you up at 6:30.
On time's late.
- I'll meet you at yours at seven.
- Okay.
Okay.
Eric! - You forgot the shopping list.
- Oh, Mum.
I called Headmaster Groff.
He said that you can go to the dance tonight if you want to.
- I don't.
- Maybe you can come to church with us? I don't go to church anymore, Mum.
Hm? Everyone loves you.
So, how's it lookin'? Well, you look like an angry aubergine.
Yeah, well I can't afford it anyway, so Can't Action Man buy you a dress? His name is Jackson.
And, no, I'm not his housewife.
Why does he annoy you so much? He doesn't.
I actually quite like him.
I'm just not sure he's the right guy for you, that's all.
Try this one.
It's a little bit less magician's assistant.
I'm happy with Jackson, all right? Well, fine.
Have a lovely life watching Sergeant Do-Good swim while you raise an army of his perfect children.
Whatever.
- Well? - Yeah, it's actually nice.
I told you my price limit.
This is way too expensive.
Sean? Hello.
I am so sorry for interrupting your shopping today, but my little sister, Maeve, is going to her first school dance tonight and she has just found the perfect dress.
There she is! Come on out, Maeve.
Come on.
Doesn't she look so pretty? Except, the problem is, we can't afford this dress, because, recently we were orphaned.
Earlier this year, our dad, who served this country bravely, died in combat and our mum passed shortly after.
Cancer.
But if they had been here today to see my little sister, they would have been so proud of their little girl.
Now, I know it's unorthodox, but if you could give anything, then we might be able to help my sister get the dress of her dreams.
Thank you.
What is your problem? You can't say we're orphans! Oh, I'm sorry.
Would you rather I told them that Mum's a junkie and that Dad fucked off? I don't think they would have enjoyed that story as much.
We were born alone and we will die alone so we might as well get what we can along the way.
You're welcome.
Hey, man, do you know how to get to Ellencot? I'm trying to get to get to a wedding reception e and my GPS totally screwed me.
Um Yeah.
Uh Yeah Yeah, you You're going in the right direction.
Um, it's that way, uh, it's about 15 minutes.
Take a left at the primary school.
- Okay.
Thanks, man.
- Uh Your nails are fierce.
Thanks, kid.
Want my advice? Stick to the jewel tones.
I'll get it, Mum! I'll get it! - Darling, is that for you? - Yeah.
- Where are you going? - School dance.
With who? Hey! Um Wow.
Okay You look cool.
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
You look great yourself.
Thanks.
I'm here for the sink.
- Great.
Marvelous.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- You behave.
You behave.
Do you want to come in for a bit? - No, we're good.
See you.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, have a lovely time.
- Mum, actually - Yeah? Uh, do you think maybe you could not sleep with Ola's dad? It's gonna make things super awkward for me.
I would never.
Don't be silly.
Um Completely inappropriate.
- Okay.
- Have a lovely time.
Aww! You both look so smart.
Okay, a little closer together now.
Closer! Put your arm round him, love.
Go on.
Give him a proper hug! Just take the photo! Hold on.
Christ! Just take the bloody photo, Maureen.
- Lies! - Rubbish! - Ooh! - Someone's looking groovy! Mum! Groovy is not a thing.
It hasn't been for a long time.
Come here.
Have a brilliant time.
Thank you.
Mwah! - You look great.
- Thanks.
- See you soon.
- Remember to be back at 10:30, yes? - What? Why? - You've got training tomorrow morning.
Yeah, but I thought I could, you know take tomorrow off.
- Why would you think that? - Because of the dance.
I'm sure he can take tomorrow off.
No, he can't.
Can't I just have one fun night? I never do this kind of thing.
Look, you will thank me in a few years.
See you at 10:30.
Go on.
Have a good time.
What? Wait! I'm coming too! Okay, let's go.
Thanks for letting me come tonight.
I know you didn't write that essay.
Um I didn't want to break your mother's heart by telling her the truth.
To think my son is a cheater.
I've never been so ashamed of anything in my life.
- Action Man! Come in.
- Yes! My mum is being such a dick! I've gotta be home by 10:30.
You have a curfew? How old are you? - Hey.
- Have you got anything to drink? - I just wanna have a good time.
- Yeah.
We have the cheapest vodka available.
It's pretty much paint stripper, but I promise you it'll do a job.
- Yeah.
- No.
You're driving.
No, no.
I'll drive.
That's fine.
That means you two can have your romantic evening and, well fuck curfew.
So Now I'll fix your sink.
Don't Right Subtle.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
There you go.
Now you may enjoy your alcoholic beverage inside your shitty school ball.
Okay, great.
Bye, Sean.
- Sean - Oh, come on.
I wanna see all my old teachers' faces.
I'll be in and out in a flash, I promise.
Is Hendricks still sober? Or has he fallen off the old wagon again? Wonder if he still uses Lynx Africa to cover up the smell.
- Sean! Wait! - Hey.
He's all right.
Look, let's just have a good time, okay? - Hey.
- Hm.
Come on.
- Let's get a photo.
- I said no photos.
Oh, come on.
Let's do ironic faces.
I bet you no one will have thought of that.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Cool, hi.
- You're you're here.
And you're here.
- I'm Ola.
- Jackson.
- Sorry.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
- Ola, this this is Maeve.
- Hi.
- Hi.
She's my friend, she's - Er I should - So We should go.
I've lost my brother.
- Are we not gonna get a photo? - No.
- Okay.
- Uh - They seem cool.
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, they are.
L-O-V-E.
Love! - Love.
That word? - Praise Jesus! Love! - Again! - Love! Jesus loves! His love is greater than fear.
- Yes, Pastor! - His love is stronger than uncertainty.
His love is deeper than hate.
- Amen.
- Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself.
" Yourself.
Yourself.
Love starts here.
- We must all learn to love ourselves - Amen! before we truly love others.
Who are you to not love yourself? Praise be! Aah! Jesus loves you Yes, I know For the Bible tells me so - He turned my mourning into dancing - Aah! Yes! Stand up! He turned my sorrows into joy Good to see you and your family.
- He turned my mourning into dancing - Eric! How are you? Look at you! It's good to see you in church.
- He turned my sorrows into joy - Come here.
You are welcome here any time.
This is your family.
That's right.
He turned them He turned my mourning into dancing He turned it - So, how long you lived here? - 14 years.
We moved just after Otis was born.
Is it "we" as in ex-husband? - Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
So, why did you divorce? You ask a lot of questions.
And you don't answer many Is that a therapist thing? - Does it bother you that I'm a therapist? - No.
Some men feel observed.
What have you observed about me? That you look nice in yellow.
Well, in the little time that we've known each other, I'd say that you're also divorced, that monogamy is a little too binding, makes you feel your age.
From your tattoos and lack of driving license, I'd say you're impulsive, maybe even reckless.
And you do this quite often, romancing your customers.
That soup was a nice touch, by the way.
And then you move on to the next conquest, before it gets too intimate.
- Mm.
Interesting.
- Close? No.
Not really.
I was married but my wife died.
She was sick for a very long time.
And Ola, my daughter, helped me to take care of her when I couldn't.
You're the first one I've had sex with since it happened.
I wasn't planning on it.
But you're right, I can be, uh impulsive.
I really like you, Jean.
I would like to get to know you better.
I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong idea.
Yeah.
I'll go and get dressed.
Ooh, la, ooh Sha-la-la, ooh-la, ooh-la, ooh-ooh Ooh, la, ooh Sha-la-la, ooh-la, ooh-la, ooh-ooh This is so cool.
Fairytales are all about female suppression.
You know, Beauty and the Beast, basic Stockholm syndrome.
Belle falls in love with a giant beast who's imprisoned her.
The Little Mermaid has to lose her voice just to get a boyfriend.
- Don't get me started on Snow White.
- Right, I'm gonna dance.
Cool.
Uh I don't really dance.
- But we're at a dance.
- It's not really my thing.
Okay.
Well, I'm still gonna dance.
Restless year For a while, we had no fear Yeah Ooh, la, ooh Sha-la-la, ooh-la, ooh-la, ooh-ooh Ooh, la, ooh Sha-la-la, ooh-la, ooh-la, ooh-ooh I set up camp in the center of town Ready for freedom When it all comes down Snappin' my fingers, walkin' around Like a dusty jewel In a thrown-out crown I got a bus pass to make my way From hideout to hideout In the heat of the day I got a talisman tote With the whole array And when you catch my coattails I'll be miles away Restless year It was another restless year It was a restless year - For a while, we had no fear - Yeah! Bloody nose in the all-night diner Rollin' with Rose And Miss Mariel Steiner - You can't pin her down - You all right, mate? - You can't define her - Hey, man.
- Not goin' well, is it? - Ooh, la, ooh Come on, let's go get you some punch.
Ooh-la, ooh-la, ooh - Ooh, la, ooh - Are you havin' a good time? Ooh-la, ooh-la, ooh Makin' the rounds In my five-dollar dress I can't go home Though I'm not homeless I'm just another savage In the wilderness And if you can't calm down You can listen to this Death is my former employer Death is my own Tom Sawyer Death waits for me to destroy her I never wanna die And I never grow older - Yeah! - Ooh, la, ooh Ooh-la, ooh-la, ooh Nerve-wracking, isn't, askin' someone to dance? Look, do you want something to take the edge off? I've got some Percocet.
It's pretty cheap.
- What's Percocet? - It's just something that helps you relax.
No biggie.
Here you are.
- Sean.
- Hey, frog-face.
Are ya havin' fun? - Whatever you're doing, please stop.
- Why? Are you the police? I'm not kidding! Go hang out with your Head Boy and don't worry about me.
All right? I'm going to the dance.
Uh Wait I'll drive you.
- Hey.
- Hi.
So, how long have you known Otis? My dad's been fixing their bathroom.
Otis asked me out.
- He's funny, isn't he? - Yeah.
Yeah, he is.
But, um, just between you and me, he's, um he's like, really inexperienced.
He hasn't had sex or anything yet.
He's a bit confused about all that stuff, so don't be surprised if he doesn't seem keen.
See you later.
Cheers, boy.
Have fun, guys.
It's the Groff-inator! The man himself.
Long time no see, mate! Sean Wiley, I want you off school grounds.
Don't be like that.
Come on.
What's goin' on with you? Let's catch up! You are not welcome on this campus.
Leave immediately, or I will call the police.
Wow, you really need to let off some steam, don't you? How about one of them little choccy breaks, hm? Leave.
Now.
Well it's been real.
Bye! Right, it's time for me to bounce.
I'm gonna take Jacko's car.
That is fine, isn't it? Yeah.
- Hey! - Hey.
Hey.
Sean just left, he took your car.
Oh.
Well, I hope he crashes it! Give me a kiss.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Whoa.
I'm a little bit drunk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
This is a shit-show, right? Did you guys see Ola? - Oh, yeah - No.
No.
Okay.
Um Alright.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
- You gonna be sick? - Yeah.
Okay.
Come on.
Ola? - Hi.
- Hey.
Found the, uh art.
Yeah.
I did.
Some of these are quite good.
Well, it's, uh Moordale's finest.
I mean, this one's my favorite.
Wow, yeah.
I've never I've never slept with anyone before, by the way.
Okay.
Um Why did you tell me that? Just wanted you to know.
Okay.
But Did you and Maeve, like, date or something? I'm picking up a vibe.
No.
Maeve is not the sort of person who would, you know, date me.
What does that mean? Well, um Maeve is considerably higher up on the food chain than I am.
You know, I'm like a kangaroo or an armadillo.
Whereas Maeve's like a panther, or a lion, even.
- So what am I on the food chain? - You could be like You know those goats that stand on really steep cliffs and just kind of stick? - I'm a goat? - No! I mean, you don't look like a goat.
You could be, like, a house cat, if you don't like goats.
You know, the skinny ones that just stare at you.
Okay, I'm a skinny house cat, and she's a lion.
Oh, no.
Maeve is unattainable, - and you're - You're not a kangaroo, Otis.
You're an arsehole.
Ola! I mean Fucking idiot.
Eric, wait! - Are you sure you want to go in like this? - Yes.
- Are you sure you're sure? - Yes.
Why? What's wrong with it? Wait a second, please.
- When I first came to this country - Oh, Dad! I had to do so much to fit in.
- I never wanted the same for my children.
- Okay! I wanted you to be proud and strong.
But you are so different.
It makes me feel scared for you.
Your fear doesn't help me, Dad.
It makes me feel weak.
But why do you have to be so much? This is me.
I don't want you to be hurt.
Look, I'll be hurt either way.
Isn't it better to be who I am? I told you to wait! I just shouted at that man.
Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
Maybe I am learning from my brave son.
Dad.
What the fuck did you come as, Tromboner? A girl? - What do you want, Adam? - I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Okay.
Are you gonna do it now or later? Because I'm ready when you are.
- It's comin'.
- Okay.
So, later, then? Great.
I've gone away forever The wrong side of the tracks My blood all filled with garbage My heart shot through with glass I saw her dark hair falling All down her snow-white back I thought she'd always be My zero I thought you'd always be - Okay - My zero Now what? And now, a request.
This is for all the couples in the room.
So, grab yourself a partner.
But remember to get consent Hah! No, seriously.
Please do get consent.
Oh, my God.
I love this song.
When the Earth was still flat And the clouds made of fire And mountains stretched up to the sky Sometimes higher May I have this dance? Folks roamed the Earth Why would I dance with you? - Because we're best friends.
- No, we're not.
Yes, we are.
Eric! And I I'm just a really bad one sometimes.
I made a mistake and I said some horrible things I didn't mean.
I miss you, and I'm sorry.
You think I'm an attention-seeker.
I think you are the coolest, bravest and kindest person I know.
The origin of love The origin of love - Now, there were three sexes then - You owe me a birthday.
One that looked Like two men glued up back to back They call them Children of the Sun And similar in shape and girth Was the Children of the Earth They looked like Two girls rolled up in one Oh, my God! Okay.
- Okay! - And the Children of the Moon Was like a fork stuck on a spoon - We both know that I lead.
- They were part Sun, part Earth - Part daughter, part son - You ready? Aww! The origin of love Ooh, ooh Whoo! And the storm clouds gathered above - I'm coming for you, Otis! - Into great balls of fire Aww! And then fire shot down From the sky in bolts Like shinin' blades of a knife And it ripped right through the flesh Of the children of the sun And the moon and the earth And some Indian god Would you like to have sex with me? Okay.
- To our bellies - Okay.
To remind us of the price we pay - Oh, my God.
- Lizzie! Lizzie! It's me, Liam.
Up here on the moon! No! Uh Liam.
Get down, now! Not until I speak to Lizzie! I don't know him! He's just a weird guy that follows me around! I love you, Lizzie.
- Do you love me? - No.
- Come down this instant! - No.
Enough! Get down, now! What's the point? Lizzie doesn't love me.
Nobody loves me.
I'm gonna jump! Stop.
Liam, don't! Don't do this.
Oh Hi, Otis.
You don't wanna jump.
No! I think I do.
You don't.
Look sometimes, the people we like don't like us back, and it's painful, but there's nothing we can do about it.
- You don't understand.
- I do.
I do understand.
I know what it's like when someone doesn't feel the same way about you.
It's Someone you can't stop thinking about It hurts.
But you can't make people like you.
I don't like her.
I love her.
I know.
But love isn't about grand gestures, or the moon and the stars.
It's just dumb luck.
And sometimes, you meet someone who feels the same way.
And, sometimes, you're unlucky.
But one day, you're gonna meet someone who appreciates you for who you are.
I mean, there's seven billion people on the planet.
I know one of them is gonna climb up on a moon for you.
- Really? - Yeah, you're brilliant! You're very dedicated.
You're gonna make someone really happy one day.
But it will not be me! Not Lizzie, definitely not Lizzie, but someone.
And it won't happen if you fall off that moon and die.
Okay.
Sorry.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
Okay, everyone.
It's time for the Macarena! You guys know the Macarena, right? All the creatures The strangest creatures of the deep Not your finest hour.
I didn't mean to scare you, Lizzie.
If you go anywhere near me again, I'm seriously gonna have to call the police.
Fair enough.
I understand.
- I left my jacket.
- I'll get it.
Teachers teachin' The doctors diagnosin' me My messed-up parents My girlfriend don't understand me - Hey.
- Sorry, what? - Adam! Don't.
- Your boyfriend - looks like a fucking triangle.
- Ugh.
Ignore him, Steve.
What? Don't you fucking touch me.
- Stay away from me! - Come on! Stop it! - Are you all right? - Get off.
I hate you! All right, show's over.
Go on.
Go on, you too.
Shout up, do down Shout it up, do down Shout up, do down Shout up, shout it up Hey.
Where's your date? - She left.
- Why? We had an argument.
- What about? - Doesn't matter.
Okay.
That was pretty crazy in there.
You were amazing.
That was serious, Maeve.
- I mean, he could have killed himself.
- Yeah, but you talked him down.
Yeah, and he was up there after he spoke to me.
Imagine if he'd died.
I think this is wrong.
- What's wrong? - This is.
The clinic.
And us.
It has to stop.
- But we're really good together.
- I can't keep doing this anymore, Maeve.
- It's getting in the way of my life.
- What do you mean? You know what I mean.
Maeve? Just a minute, Jackson.
Hey, Otis.
If I give you another 50, will you tell me how - to get Maeve to like me again? - Jackson! - What are you talking about? - Well, he told me how to get you.
I gave him 50 and then he gave me the book stuff, and then the song and then the feminist stuff that you like.
Because you're difficult, Maeve, to know.
Maeve He paid you to tell him what I like? No.
I didn't I tried to not take I gave the money to you! You gave it to me? I'm gonna be sick again.
- Maeve.
I - Stay the fuck away.
You're right.
We're done.
I'm so sorry, Maeve.
I'm so sorry.
You're so nice.
Sorry if I got, like, sick on you and stuff.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
Did we forget the car? - Sh, Jackson - Where's the He's a bit drunk.
My brother will bring the car Jackson? What were you thinking? Do you think I like getting up at 4:30 every morning, like I have got nothing better to do with my time? - Oh, me, me, me.
- What did you just say? It's all about you.
Isn't it, Mum? Er, look .
Let's go to bed.
We can talk about this in the morning.
- Fine.
- No, seriously.
You think we like driving five hours every Saturday to get you to your swim meets? Dedicating our entire lives to your success? - It's not my success though, is it, Mum? - What? - It's yours.
- Ja - Jackson! - Jackson! You get back here now! Get back here! "Love isn't about the moon and the stars.
" "It's about dumb luck".
- Shut up.
- You should start a motivational podcast, - called The Teen Whisperer.
- I am never going to a dance again.
Yeah, no, you suck at dances.
Okay? I'm hungry, but Oh.
Hello.
- Dave? - Er, close.
Dan.
- I ride the motorbike? - Yes, right.
Mother issues.
- Well, I wouldn't - Dan, are you coming back to bed? Oh, excuse me.
Looks like my mum needs me.
Your mum needs me.
She's Okay, I'm just gonna, er .
- Oh, that's probably Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Toast? - Yeah.
Aww.
Your new dad seems so sweet.
Hah.
- Have you got any Nutella? - Yeah.
Come on.
I was selling, they were buying.
What did you want me to do? I dunno.
For you to take some responsibility? Responsibility? Who looked after you when Mum left? Who cooked, cleaned and dropped out of school for you? Don't kid yourself.
You did not drop out for me.
Maybe it's the fuzz.
Piss off, Sean.
What do you want? Someone pay you to read the fucking Bell Jar? - I actually liked that book.
- Not the point.
I had a fight with my mum.
It was bad.
What do you want me to do? Just go home and apologize.
No, I can't! I can't go home! I hate it.
I feel like yeah, like like I'm suffocating.
Like I'm livin' in somebody else's body.
Like, trapped in somebody else's life.
- Hey, it's okay.
- I don't know what to fucking do.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Please, can I stay here, with you? Yeah? Okay.
I love you, Maeve.




1 [SNARLING AND GROWLING] [GROWLING] [GROWLS] Glenoxi.
At last we meet.
Lord Zortac.
I've been expecting you.
[GROWLS] I've traveled across four universes to fuck.
Let's do this, you cosmic hunk.
Oh! Get to the sex! - Oh, okay.
- [CHUCKLES] Ow! Ow! Aah! What's wrong? Nothing, try again.
[YELLS] Retreat! Oh, retreat.
- Oh - Why won't it go in? I don't know.
[BIRDSONG] [SIGHS] [KEYS TAPPING] [BIRDS CAWING] [FOOTSTEPS] [VACUUM WHIRRING] [MUSICAL PHONE ALARM] [MUSICAL PHONE ALARM CONTINUES] [JACKSON GRUNTS] [SIGHING] Haven't you got training? Not going.
Can't be bothered.
Hey.
You know what I said before Like, the whole, like, "I love you" thing.
I was seriously wasted.
So I don't expect you to, like say it back or anything, you know? Okay.
Dad? I'm home.
Go and get ready for school.
[CLOCK TICKING] And please, be quiet.
Your mother's been worried sick and she's only just gone to sleep.
[SIGHS] [GASPING] Walk right in - [SIGHS] - Sit back down Baby, let your hair hang down - Jesus.
- Walk right in - Sit back down - Ugh.
- Baby, let your hair hang down - Ugh.
Everybody's talkin' 'Bout a new way of walkin' Do you wanna lose your mind? Walk right in Sit back down Baby, let your hair hang down Morning, darling.
[MUSIC CONTINUES ON THE RADIO] Walk right in - Sit back down - Do you want any tea? Daddy, let your mind roll on Walk right in - Sit back down - Will you save the crossword for me, please? Daddy, let your mind roll on Everybody's talkin' 'Bout a new way of walkin' Do you wanna lose your mind? Walk right in Sit back down Daddy, let your mind roll on You've been very quiet lately, sweetheart.
Is there anything wrong? I made some notes on your book.
The one about me.
You should consider using a thesaurus in the future.
Your vocabulary is very limited.
Otis, let's talk about this in a calm and rational way.
Not calm! Not rational! - We'll talk about it later, darling.
- [DOOR SLAMS] Come on! Ow! Stupid bike! - Is this about your mum's book? - Oh, no, I mean, it's only a heavily researched, meticulously detailed account of raising a sexually repressed 16-year-old boy.
Me, by the way.
Chapter One.
"Otis's surprise emission.
" [LAUGHS] Sorry.
Not funny.
Very bad, Jean.
Look, well, at least you went to the dance with an actual girl.
- That's progress, man.
- I called her a goat and she left.
Still, an improvement.
Anyway, I thought you called her a house cat.
Yeah, I also called her a goat.
Do you like Ola? Yeah, I I do.
A lot.
Then why did you call her a goat? Promise not to laugh.
She seemed to think that there was something going on - between Maeve and I, romantically, and - [LAUGHS] Sorry, not the funny part.
I was trying to reassure her how ridiculous that was, because someone like Maeve is never gonna be interested in me, because I'm a loser and she is a lioness.
Aaah.
Therefore, Ola is a house cat.
Wow.
Otis, you know, for a sex therapist, you are surprisingly insensitive.
On the upside, at least you're gonna be famous with this new book.
Like that man that was born with tree arms.
[WOMAN ON PA] Maeve Wiley and Otis Milburn to Mr Groff's office.
The lioness awaits.
[SIGHS] She's still not talking to me.
Wow.
Women really hate you.
Nice outfit.
- Thanks, Anwar.
I love - There's really no need to respond.
Glad to see you back, Eric.
Uh Thanks, sir.
Um - I've been meaning to apologize.
- Hey, it's Look, we all have bad days, you know? But in every cloud, there is a rainstorm.
No, wait, sorry, that's not right.
"There is a rainbow in every cloud," is it? - Okay - Basically, it's all in the past.
[BOTH LAUGH LOUDLY] - Yeah.
- And, um - The two weeks of detention? - Still very much in your future.
- Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
- Mm.
So - I'll see you after school.
- Okay [CHUCKLES] Look, about what what happened I'm over it.
- [DOOR OPENS] - [MR.
GROFF] Maeve.
You're first.
[MR.
GROFF] I've been watching you and your little friend.
Meeting up before school, hanging around after hours, secret whispers, exchanging money.
Okay, well we're just hangin' out.
I think you've been doing a lot more than just enjoying each other's company.
I know all about your drug ring.
They're not mine.
You expect me to believe that that spineless beanpole Milburn is responsible for dealing hard drugs? Otis had nothing to do with it.
[SIGHS] These are study drugs, sir, they're not You seem to know an awful lot about them, considering you had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Did you and your little friend get them from your brother? Oh, yes.
I know all about your unsavory family history.
And you have let an innocent child like Milburn be turned into a drug mule.
Otis didn't do anything.
Leave him out of it.
What are you doing? I'm reporting your brother to the police.
[DIALING] Wait.
They're mine.
What happens now? You're going to tell me exactly what happened at the school dance, and then you will face an external tribunal who will decide whether you have a future at this school.
- Milburn.
- Yes, sir.
[CLEARS THROAT] A word to the wise.
Beware the wild female.
They will chew you up and spit you out like stale crisps.
[BELL RINGS] Get to class.
Yeah.
You're not in any trouble.
I sorted it.
Okay, what what happened? Are we are we not gonna talk about this? Is that it? I trusted you, Otis.
But [SIGHS] I don't want to have sex with you! Neither do I.
You were bad.
You played whale music and you would not stop talking.
Then you had a panic attack and I had to get your mum.
It was an appallingly awkward sexual experience.
Look, I need some advice About my [CLICKS TONGUE] Clinic's over.
Sorry.
I didn't tell anyone about what happened.
You kind of owe me.
[SIGHS] It wasn't fucking funny when I pushed you out of my vagina, either.
[PHONE RINGS] Hello? [WOMAN] Jean Milburn? This is Simone McAllister at Bright and Sanders.
You sent us the first chapter of Bringing Up Men.
We're in the midst of a crisis of masculinity and this feels potentially quite zeitgeisty.
- Is there more to read? - Yes.
- Yes, there is.
- Fantastic.
We're particularly interested in the connection you have with the subject.
It's so personal.
We really feel it could strike a chord with other mothers.
When do you think you could send more pages over by? Can I get back to you on that? Yep.
Absolutely.
Don't take too long, though.
I won't.
Thank you.
[WATER DRIPPING] Shit! Shit, shit.
[GROANS] Oh, God.
[PHONE BUZZES AND RINGS] - Yeah? - Hello, Jakob? It's Jean.
I'm really sorry to bother you, but I'm afraid my pipe's burst under my sink.
- And the water's going everywhere - Jean.
You have to stop breaking things when you want sex.
No, no No.
That's Er, it's a misunderstanding.
I, uh No, it's really broken.
I think I have been very clear.
I want a relationship.
I do not want to be your handyman.
Goodbye, Jean.
[SIGHS] - [OTIS] So, what seems to be - [LILY] My vagina has betrayed me.
Okay.
How, exactly? I finally find someone who's DTF, and he can't get his average-sized dick in my stupid vagina.
Why is this happening to me? Uh, well um [LILY] It just doesn't make any sense.
I've worked so hard.
The set, the costumes, the makeup.
Everything was perfect.
I couldn't even get my finger in there.
It's like my vag has lockjaw.
What do I do? Well, you used the word "perfect.
" Maybe it's a way of staying in control.
In in your fantasy, you're in charge.
And reality can be just, quite different.
Nah, I just like aliens.
Do you like being out of control? I guess not.
Like, I hate roller coasters.
Me, too.
I do not like simulated danger.
I guess I am kind of type A.
Well, maybe you're unconsciously halting your progress to stay in control.
But I want to have sex, so why would I do that? I don't know.
Okay.
I need this place spick and span.
I've got to do all of this on my own? [LAUGHING] No! No.
God, no.
That would be impossible.
Uh, no, you have company.
Okay.
I'll see you boys in two hours.
Okay? [SIGHS] Go ahead, Tromboner.
Get to work.
[JEAN] I don't need a plumber tomorrow, I need a plumber today, you moron! Otis, could you just Uh You did not just hang up on me! You did not just hang up on me! Otis! This emergency supersedes our argument! ["BOYS DON'T CRY" BY THE CURE PLAYING] [JEAN] Otis, open the door, please! Leave me alone! Jesus Christ, Mum! Get out, please! - [VOLUME DECREASES] While you are still under my roof, - you are not to shut me out.
- I would say I'm sorry if I thought That it would change your mind - [VOLUME INCREASES] - [VOLUME DECREASES] - [OTIS GROWLS] - This time I have said too much - Oh! - Why are you so angry? - You're a hypocrite! - What? How? Wh - Descriptive words, please.
- Okay.
You say you're all about honesty and clear communication, but you're not honest at all.
You inveigle your way into everything I do and then act like it's an accident.
You cross multitudes of parental boundaries on a daily basis.
You're a sneaky, sneaky woman! That is a vast over-exaggeration.
Well, how is the book coming along? This is becoming hostile now, Otis.
I want you to count to ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! Please leave! [SIGHS] Ah, so, if If the book gets published, of course I will change your name.
That's not the point, Mum.
I thought you were finally listening to me, that you were letting me be independent, but you just can't help yourself.
It's like you want to consume me.
You're like the spider-mums that eat their own offspring.
Like, you think I'm somehow part of you.
Well, you are part of me.
No, I'm not, Mum.
[SIGHS] [DOORBELL RINGS] I'll get it.
Um Ola! [CHUCKLES] You're at my door.
Um Eh Did you get my text? It said, uh "Hello.
" But I guess it should have said, "Sorry.
" [SCOFFS] My dad sent me to fix your sink.
Um, look, you don't you don't need to do that.
My mum's called a plumber.
[WATER DRIPPING] Uh This is awkward.
Um [CHUCKLES] I mean, we kind of went on a date, didn't we? And now you're angry with me, but you're also fixing my sink.
[CHUCKLES] I'm fixing your mother's sink as a favor for my father.
It's not about you.
Jakob sent her.
- Otis, we need to talk about our fight.
- I'm going out.
[DOOR CLOSES] [JACKSON] She's so selfish.
She pretends the crazy food regime and early mornings is for my benefit, but it's all about her.
I don't even know if I like anything except swimming.
Shut up.
What? You don't know how lucky you are.
She gets up every morning to take you to swimming.
She goes to all your races.
- She cries when you lose.
- Wh She shows you every day that she loves you.
- What's the problem? - I'm not It might be annoying, but at least she cares.
Okay.
Maybe just tell her the truth about how you feel.
I didn't mean to snap, I'm sorry.
[DOG BARKING] I need to go talk to my idiot brother.
[TUTS] [SIGHS] Hey, sis, you wanna get baked? No.
You said you were gettin' a proper job, not sellin' shit again.
Yeah, I am.
My mate said he could hook me up as a doorman.
[SCOFFS] You wouldn't last one day, with your weak little arms.
My teacher wants me to apply for the Aptitude Scheme at school.
[LAUGHS] Oh, what, you're serious? What, so soon you'll be hangin' out with a bunch of fuckin' virgins, talking about astrophysics and shit? If I get in.
I'll probably mess it up somehow, I always do.
Nah.
You're way smarter than me.
You always have been, ever since you were a kid.
You're smart.
Yeah, but You're, like, smart-smart, like You know, could actually have a good life smart.
I just don't wanna be living here in ten years, you know? You won't be.
I'm gonna get that doorman job.
I'll save up and we'll rent a place and we can really get our shit together.
Yeah, that sounds nice.
I'm really proud of you, sis.
Thanks.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] [SIGHS] - [SIGHS] - [PHONE RINGS] [SIGHS] [HARMONICA PLAYS] [BLOWS] You know, if you helped me, we could get out of here a lot quicker.
[SCOFFS] [HUMMING] Ouch! Stop it.
Asshole.
What did you say? Were you born a bully? Or are you one because your dad's one? I saw you at the dance.
You were terrified of him.
Can't imagine being afraid of my own dad.
[SNORTS] What the fuck would you know, Tromboner? [SCOFFS] You're doin' it wrong.
Let me try.
- Give it here.
- No, it's fine.
Adam, it's fine, I can do it myself.
Just give it.
It's fine.
- You can just leave it.
- Leave it, man! What's wrong with you? [CLATTERING] Get off! Get off me! [SPITS] Sorry.
- Sorry, I didn't mean - [SPITS] How do you like it? I don't.
Yeah.
Didn't think so.
["HE HIT ME" BY GRIZZLY BEAR PLAYS] He hit me And it felt like a kiss He hit me And I went down [BUCKLE CLINKS] Oh, whoa, oh, whoa [GASPING] [LILY] So, what does this sheer and perilous hill have to do with my vagina? I think you have something called "vaginismus," which is the body's automatic reaction to a fear of vaginal penetration.
But I really want to have sex.
I don't think you're afraid of having sex.
I think you're afraid to let go.
Which is why you are going to ride down this hill.
To face your fears.
I don't wanna fuck a hill.
Just trust me on this one.
Well, what about you? What about me? You had a panic attack when I touched your penis.
Maybe we should do it together? [LAUGHS] I I You know what? Eh forget it.
This is silly.
So unsafe.
You know, your vagina's gonna open at some point.
I can't wait for that! ["ROCKWROK" BY ULTRAVOX PLAYS] Fuck it! Whoo! [YELLS] This is amazing! [LILY YELLS] [SCREAMS] [LILY] This is amazing! Whoo! [BOTH SCREAMING] - [CLATTERING] - Aah! I think that was my hymen! Aah! Fuck! Aaah! Aaah! Otis? [GROANS] Ow! Otis? [GROANS] Fuck! - Otis? - [GROANS] [PANTING] Am I dead? No, you're alive.
Thank God.
Ow! It hurts.
- [GROANS] - [WINCES] Ah, your head is bleeding.
[GROANS] - [GASPS] - So, this mean I can have sex now? - I hope so.
- Why do you wanna have sex so bad? - What do you mean? - [GROANS] [GASPS] You just seem Ow.
You seem desperate to have sex, I don't know why.
I dunno.
I guess I just feel like, if I don't do it, then I'll graduate school and I won't have had sex, and then I'll go to uni and I'll be behind everyone, and no one will have sex with me because I'm just the weird virgin girl.
And then I'll never have sex because I'll be too embarrassed and weird and virginal, and then I'll grow old and die alone in my house, - where I'll be eaten by my pet python.
- [LAUGHS] Okay, you've skipped a whole load of steps there.
I just don't want to be left behind.
I just want it over with.
Look, I know it feels like everyone's doing it, and yeah, some people are, but most of us aren't yet.
It's not a race.
I think that makes sense.
Good.
[SIGHS] We just rode down this hill for no reason, didn't we? Yeah.
[SIGHS] Oh! That [CHUCKLES] What was that? [CHUCKLES] Adam, we should talk about If you ever tell anyone about this, I will fuckin' end you, do you understand? [DOOR CLOSES] [OWL HOOTING] ["OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL" BY BOB SEGER PLAYS] [ALARM BLEEPING] Just take those old records Off the shelf I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself Today's music ain't got the same soul I like that old-time rock 'n' roll Still like that old time rock 'n' roll That kind of music Just soothes the soul I reminisce about the days of old With that old time rock 'n' roll Hey! How was detention? Why? It very was boring.
Nothing weird happened.
It was a very average detention.
[WOMAN OVER PA] Maeve Wiley, report to Mr.
Groff's office immediately.
Please tell us why you should stay at this school.
[CLOCK TICKING] Nothing? Very well, then I'm really smart, sir.
I'd read all of Jane Austen by the time I was 12.
Including her lesser-known work, Lady Susan, which is a severely underrated piece of feminist literature.
Um I can also debate the inherent difference between existentialism and transcendentalism, explaining why Sartre is the prominent voice of the former, and the latter is barely remembered as a philosophical movement.
I can also gauge the depths of Mr.
Hendricks' personal despair based on his choice of Hawaiian shirt.
[CHUCKLES] I'm really smart.
I just got unlucky in the family department.
I don't get any support.
And sometimes I do the wrong thing.
But I know I can be better.
And if you give me a second chance, I will not waste it.
[MR.
GROFF] Thank you, Maeve.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR] - Come.
Er, you wanted to see me, sir? Yes.
If you could just wait outside, please, Jackson.
I won't be long.
Okay.
We'll need some time to consider your position.
Until we do so, you are barred from campus.
The valves are shaped to stop them opening in the wrong direction.
The day you arrive on time, Adam, is the day I eat my hat.
[CHUCKLES] Take a seat.
There's one next to your detention pal, Eric.
- He's not my detention pal.
- We're not friends.
- Right, okay.
Well, just sit down.
- Okay.
Come on, hombre.
Andale.
¡Andale! Where was I? Oh, yes.
Valves, yeah.
So Yeah, the sound of the valves closing, here and here, is what we familiarize ourselves That's the sound we familiarize ourselves with, that is actually our heartbeat.
Okay? Heartbeat.
Rhythm.
Now, these things here, the arteries The pulmonary arteries, when these get blocked - What's goin' on? - Nothing.
Didn't look like nothin'.
- Hey, why won't you talk to me? - I said it's nothing.
Well, stop lyin'! They're probably gonna expel me because of some shit my brother did.
Is that what you wanna hear? - Shit, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
Hey, talk to me.
What's up? - Come here.
- Don't touch me! - What? - [SHAKILY] This is too much.
- What do you - You're too much.
Why am I always the last to know, Maeve? - What's that supposed to mean? - It means you don't trust me.
You never have.
Do you love me? - Just say you don't and I'll - I don't.
[SNIFFLES] Jackson, wait.
I think we both know that you like somebody else anyway, Maeve.
[BELL RINGS] [MR.
GROFF] Thank you for coming to see me.
I fully appreciate, as head boy, you have a very full schedule with your fellow students, er, and also classes to attend, but I did feel that it was important to tell you that you are one of Moordale's proudest achievements.
It would be a tragedy to watch you waste your gift and miss this race.
We all go through rough times, but your future is very bright.
This isn't about my future, sir, this is about your sports fundin'.
No, it's Uh [SIGHS] Well, ye yes, okay, sure, but A little bit, maybe, but it [SIGHS] We do really care about you.
Okay.
I'll swim.
- Oh, fantastic! - If you let Maeve Wiley stay at school.
You can't expel her.
Want me to swim? Then she stays.
Heard you're getting expelled, Cock Biter.
Oh, well, back to the caravan park, then.
[ANWAR] Maybe you don't have to leave.
I hear they're looking for a new cleaner.
What the hell are you doing? I'm dumping you.
For her.
[LAUGHS] Are you mental? She's a slag.
Yeah, you're right.
But so am I.
[GASPS] - I'm not a slag.
- Me either, it sounded good.
- [CHUCKLES] - Just keep walking.
[LAUGHING] - You wanna play some Smash Bros? - Oh, I can't, I've got detention.
Man, things have really changed - since you started punching people.
- Mm.
Dude, why is your mum here? [OTIS] I don't know.
- I'll see you later, all right? - See you later.
I'm not stalking you, I promise.
I was passing and I just wa Otis? Will you talk to me, please? Can you not shout, okay? I wish you weren't so concerned about what your peers thought.
You don't want to develop a subservient personality trait.
What do you want? You're right.
I am a hypocrite.
And you are my blind spot.
Since your dad left, it's just been the two of us.
But you're growing up, and And I feel like I'm losing you.
So you decided to write a book about my sexual dysfunction? I thought that it might help me to understand you better.
That's so messed up.
And you're not repressed, or dysfunctional, or unusually stunted, or any of the things that I said in the book.
And I'm sorry.
[SIGHS] Yeah, well, I am all those things, Mum.
And some of it is your fault.
A lot of it's Dad's fault, but mostly it's just it's me.
I'm not I'm not normal.
Of course you're normal.
You're 16.
You're not supposed to know the answers to anything.
[SIGHS] [JEAN SNIFFLES] You're going to be just fine.
[SNIFFLES] Thank you for saying sorry.
Well, apologizing isn't just social etiquette, it's a hugely important human ritual that brings relationships together and helps people to move forward, and And you already know all that, don't you? Do you want to go home? Um Actually, there's something I need to do.
- But I'll be back.
I'll be back later.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
You! It's your lucky day.
Adam couldn't make it, and there's a speed dating event for jazz lovers that I simply am dying to attend, so, uh [CHUCKLES] You can go! Get out of here! [LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] Eh [LAUGHING] Okay.
Thank you, sir.
Okay! Whatever will I do If this love turns out untrue All those memories to erase A drink will never do With no one to drink it to And I could never stand the taste Madam? Madam, come here! Come here! - [BARKING] - What all of your letters - Oh, you stupid dog.
- Just don't say Well, I can read between the lines And take a guess But how could I face it? - Bitter day - Sean? And all these thoughts of you Would linger None of us can take it slow - Can take it easy, now - Mum? I found Madam! [KISSES] - Oh! - [WHINES] - Hello! - Easy now Hello, you! [WHIMPERS] Mum, don't make me go.
It's what your father wants.
[TV PRESENTER] One of you will be going home.
[SECOND PRESENTER] You are not just serving your food [SIGHS] [KNOCKING] [JAKOB] Yeah, yeah.
What? Oh.
It's not just pheromones.
I like you.
Christ, I feel like a teenager.
[SIGHS] And it's been a long time since I've felt like this.
But? But my son is the most important person in my life.
And he really likes your daughter.
But my fear is he found out that we were in a relationship, he just would never forgive me.
I understand.
[SIGHS] It's for the best.
Yeah.
What are you doing here? I'm buying all this cat food.
- I didn't know that you had a cat.
- I don't.
I'm buying all this cat food because I really like cats.
House cats in particular.
I like them way more than lions.
Is this supposed to be romantic? [WHISPERS] Yeah.
It was.
You're holding up the line! Sorry, I'm I'll just be a minute.
We're resolving a past wrongdoing.
Yes, I can see that.
It's not cute.
- It's annoying.
- We'll just be a moment.
Don't you take that tone with me, young lady.
Very rude.
She's not rude, okay? She just has a very direct manner.
She's rude and you're pathetic.
Now who's being rude? - Ow! - Stupid boy! - [SHOP BELL RINGS] - She hit me.
That was very brave.
And also quite emasculating.
Look, my shift is over in 15 minutes and I'm gonna walk you home.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Whoo! Whoo! - Go on! - Whoo! - Come on.
Go.
Focus! Focus! - Come on! Whoo! Set [HORN BLASTS] [CYNTHIA] Mail call! A young lad dropped it off.
Skinny, sickly-looking fella.
Had some really interesting thoughts about me and Jeffrey's marital problems.
Thanks.
- Have you seen my brother? - Oh, yeah.
He told me to pass somethin' on to you.
He said "Tell Maeve to stop hangin' around with a bunch of geeks talking about astrophysics and shit.
" Something like that.
Did he tell you where he was goin'? Or Said 'e was doin' some shoppin', but he had a big bag with him.
Okay.
Thanks, Cynthia.
Jonathan.
[CHEERING] Come on, Jackson! Yes! Come on, Jackson! Yes! We knew you could do it! Well done.
Is she staying? I don't take bribes.
I suggest you forget about Maeve Wiley.
Hm? There he is! Jackson! Well done, Jack! - Well done! - Darling! - Well done.
- Well done.
[OTIS] Maeve, I'm so sorry that I hurt you and betrayed your trust.
You saw something in me when no one else did.
I was just this invisible guy in the corner, and I thought I liked being that way.
Then I met you and I figured out I'm actually good at something.
I hope you can forgive me and that we can keep doing the clinic together.
You're the smartest person I've ever met and this award is yours.
[BRAKES SQUEAL] Okay.
Look, so Something I need to tell you.
There's a few things, actually.
So, uh This is my house.
[CHUCKLES] You know that.
Um Eh I'm an odd person.
What I mean is, I'm unusual, and if you wanna be with me, then I mean, not like my girlfriend That's that's too fast.
I know.
Eh No pressure.
Just If you wanted to be, like, a significant other, then Wow.
That sounds like marriage.
I don't wanna get married.
I mean, maybe one day, with the right person.
Which could be you.
But not in a weird way.
Okay.
I can't breathe.
[SIGHS] Eh [WHISPERS] Okay.
What I'm trying to say is I'm just new to all this and I need to take things slowly.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - Okay.
Do you want to kiss me? Eh Yeah Yes, um I do.
Stop talking and do it, then.
Ah, now I don't hardly know her But I think I could love her Crimson and clover Ah When she comes walking over [SNIFFLES] Now I've been waitin' to show her Crimson and clover - I think - Don't don't talk.
- You'll ruin it.
- Over and over Yeah.
Text me? - Cool.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES] [SIGHS] [GASPS] Oh, God! Ugh! I'm gonna learn how to play Scabby Queen if it's the last thing I do.
Will you teach me? Yeah.
- Madame.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] Ugh! Sh! [GASPING] [GROANS] [WHISPERS] Come on.
[GROANS] [PANTING] [SIGHS]