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<!DOCTYPE html>
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<title>Now it's too late</title>
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<meta name="description" content="Detach yourself from everyday life, or you'll be forced to detch once it's too late">
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<h1><span style="color: #FFC400;">Detach yourself from everyday life, or you'll be forced to detach once it's too
late</span>
</h1>
<h1>Now it's too late</h1>
<p>In 2019 I went to Rhodes and my sister, grandmother, and I had some conversations, including many painful ones.
There was one evening and we were walking through the quiet and dark alley with cicadas that were turning quiet,
the sky was already completely black, yet every hotel had colorful lights everywhere. We discussed many mistakes
we've made in the past and my grandmother said she regretted not appreciating her mother (my great-grandmother)
and only changed once it was too late. In 2019 I was 11 years old and I knew that I had fallen into the same
trap, I didn't appreciate my great-grandmother enough. Yet, we were separated by 1000 kilometers for years at
that time and when she visited us, we treated her poorly. “Can't you stop annoying us?”, “Stop touching our
stuff” and “You are more annoying than my 4-year-old brother” everyone kept telling her, knowing that it was
wrong. Yet, let me tell you something. In 2019 I already knew it was too late to change things. I had missed my
last chance, and now there is no way to turn back time. There never has been one, there never will be one. She
is still alive, but she is not the person she used to be, she has many stories to tell and no one will be able
to hear them again. They are just burning memories, and now they've turned into ashes. I knew the wrong I was
doing already long ago, yet did nothing against it. </p>
<p>As destiny wanted it, my great-grandmother and grandmother couldn't visit us in 2020 and neither 2021, and when
she came to visit us in 2022, I didn't care enough. Yet, now in 2023, she is still with us, and the visit hasn't
ended. Yet, when they arrived, my great-grandmother couldn't recognize my sister, at least she still recognized
me. Now that I've gotten mature enough, I wanted to document her life, yet now that's never going to happen,
because the memories are fading away, faster and faster. It gets even worse, you must imagine, I don't have a
single photo of her taken by myself. Imagine being born in the Soviet Union in 1939 and experiencing
<em>everything</em>,
for your great-grandchildren to not even have a photo of you. Yet, you won't care, because you won't understand
what a photo is sooner than later. Dementia has been killing slowly, very slowly, over the years. Dementia makes
you lose everything, your spirit. Materialism doesn't matter too much anyway, yet imagine forgetting every
integral memory, everything that made you up as a person, every sunset you've just sat in quietness and felt so
deep that you started to tear up, imagine forgetting where you spent your life working, imagine forgetting what
has motivated you to get up every day in the absence of comfort, you will forget everything… This decline is
going to accelerate, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, nothing. But before you forget
everything the thought that you are useless to others will torture you. You lose control and keep declining.
Once enough memories are gone, you will begin to sit in your room in desperate confusion. One second you will
remember where you are and what you are doing and feel relief, yet the next moment you will forget everything
and be scared of where you are and what you are doing. In another moment, you may remember that you remember
nothing, and you will suffer from frightening hallucinations, permanently trapped in liminality. There will be
no present moment anymore, there will not be such a thing as a moment, “But what's a 'moment', we didn't have
those in Belarus, did we?” And a moment later you are going to tear up over fragments of a miserable memory, yet
then you are going to remember that you don't know for sure where you are.
</p>
<p>It's a slow death, and when death reaches her, not much is going to change. Her mental decline made her
personality die already, there is not much left. When the last coherent memory fades, the end is near, yet then,
something magical will happen. There is a scientifically well-known yet little-understood phenomenon, where a
few days before death, every memory and personality trait returns, this phenomenon is called terminal lucidity.
When this happens, the end is near, very near. No one knows which memories are going to return, yet one can
speculate what will be the answer to the question of what's the most important life lesson, according to her.
</p>
<p>I remember her apartment in Minsk where I spent large chunks of my early childhood. This apartment was directly
next door to the flat of my mother, where my sister, mother, and I lived. My great-grandmother's apartment was
earned by her, for excellent diligent work in Soviet times. It had a clock on its wall, a clock that ticked
every second unmistakably. Brother, did I sleep excellently! Life feels completely different when there is a
ticking clock. The TV was a very old one, one that you could feel your skin tickling when you approached the
glass. There was a carpet on the wall, in a Turk-style. The furniture was made dark and made from wood. I
remember how I didn't like this flat because it didn't have any toys. I remember how she would watch a health
show every morning, while the clock kept ticking and the TV was rustling. At least there were pens and paper in
her apartment and so having nothing else to do I would entertain myself with them, while she would cook or read.
(I don't know if the significance of this last sentence is visible). There were many things I've learned from
her and one thing in specific that I can recall. I was 3 or 4 years old and I could only count to ~40 and
counted approximately like this “…, 37, 38, 39, 40, 100, 1000, 1000 000, and now the numbers end” Yet, I
remember how quickly I learned to count correctly, because she taught me how to count beyond 40. We spent a lot
of time together in our dacha, a spa house outside the city of Minsk. How good were the old days…</p>
<p>Yet, I don't think I need to clarify the meaning of this text. The most important life lesson is to give love and
to appreciate others, especially before it's too late and especially if pragmatic thoughts are holding you back.
If I had written this text earlier, it would have become text #100, although text #100 is rather similar. This
text ends here, she deserves more than one text. Realize, how insignificant everyday life is, and detach
yourself from it, otherwise, you will be forced to detach once it's too late. </p>
<p>The pain of regret is permanent.</p>
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