Final.ipynb

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    "## Ch-oo-p-pee / Ch-h-oo-p-pee [Silence / Hidden]\n",
    "Ch-oo-p-pee: silence \n",
    "Ch-h-oo-p-pee: hidden \n",
    "\n",
    "The following is a series of explorations in silence leading to the final artifact that creates computer generated poetry using markov chains. \n",
    "\n",
    "The corpora of text I am using throughout these explorations are:  \n",
    "1. Scattered journal entries from 2016-2019 (hand-typed from journal entries in March 2022. Two versions - one with date, one without and combined.) \n",
    "2. List of phrases used when describing a \"silent\" situation\n",
    "3. List of quotes talking about silence from a scattering of readings done in prep for research in thesis \n",
    "4. List of words that relate to silence \n",
    "5. The Hindi alphabet in the devanagri script and its pronounciations in arpabet \n",
    "6. Transcribed conversations with people about meanings of silence and how silence manifests in their lives. \n",
    "\n",
    "That is a lot of lists and pieces of text to work with. There has to be a hidden story in these stories that I can find in this interrogation of silence. What is that going to be? "
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   "source": [
    "#### Importing corpora"
   ]
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   "source": [
    "journal = open('combined_noDate.txt').read() + open('journal_hiding.txt').read()\n",
    "hindi_alph = open('hindi_alphabet.txt').read().split('\\n')\n",
    "hindi_pro = open('hindi_pronounciation.txt').read().split('\\n')\n",
    "s_phrases = open('silence_phrases.txt').read().split('\\n')\n",
    "s_quotes = open('silence_quotes.txt').read().split('\\n')\n",
    "s_words = open('silence_words.txt').read().split('\\n')\n",
    "people = open('people_meanings.txt').read().split('\\n')+ open('people_hiding.txt').read().split('\\n')"
   ]
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     "text": [
      "Life\n",
      "So much of life has happened in the middle of the Instagram pictures. So much of life has happened that you can’t remember. Sadness and anxieity hangs heavy over the moments of happiness. The moments you wish last a lifetime are mere seconds but when you think back to them and how you felt in that moment, everything changes, you feel light again, transported back to that time when you were so happy.\n",
      "I was looking at some old pictures of me — at when I was at my heaviest — my senior year of college. But really, it was the lightest I have felt in my entire life. My entire soul was uplifted, I felt like I was floating. And for the most part I did — I floated through life. I was so so so happy.\n",
      "I want that unbearable lightness of being, of existing this year. I want 2021 to be that light and happy. And I will take it day by day hoping to end the day with a smile on my face and feeling light.\n",
      "\n",
      "Yknow it wasn’t until yesterday that it hit me that you’re ignoring me or more like freezing me out. It was all the same stuff w Kaavya, no talking, broke our snap streak, no calls, nothing. And while I get that you need your space, I mean we all do. I also get that things changed while I was gone but yknow what if this is a solid friendship that shouldn’t matter but apparently it does. For my own mental health, I need to know what the fuck happened and why you’re freezing me out and that’s it. \n",
      "\n",
      "My mind goes into overdrive and it’s an out-of-body experience. I am typing this and I see it but I don’t. My hands seem to be moving so fast in my head but I can’t type and the speed is painfully, crucially slow. My mind is in overdrive and flashing images run through my head. \n",
      "\n",
      "Life\n",
      "Life itself: this is who I had been for as long as I could remember. At some point, shouldn’t I try to be someone different? Shouldn’t I try to not be affected by people the same way I was when I was younger? Shouldn’t I feel more settled in who I am and where I am going? After all - I did this to myself - isolated from the group of friends, unwilling to partake and be a part of the smaller inner group. I did this to myself. Then why am I still sad? Then why am I still mad? Why do I feel this FOMO? This willingness to put up a charade. Put up all my walls and not let anyone into this fortress?\n",
      "\n",
      "Addendum: January 22, 2022 @3:51pm\n",
      "At some point do we need to make room for others in order to grow? How do we do that? How do you let someone else to grow and allow them to grow with you?\n",
      "\n",
      "My brain won’t accept it but things have changed. \n",
      "You have changed and my brain won’t accept it.\n",
      "I have changed and my brain won’t accept it. \n",
      "I look out into the mirror and see the same brown eyes \n",
      "But they are a little bit darker\n",
      "A little bit shrouded\n",
      "With a fire resembling fear \n",
      "And the thirst quenched with answers\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I always feel guilty. My parents are well off but they have seen struggle. I grew up with privilege — with cars and drivers and extra help. I have always had a roof over my head and not a worry about where my next meal will come from. I am in all it’s sense, in the top 20%. I am privileged in the way white people are — they earn for themselves, not their family. \n",
      "\n",
      "But I feel guilty. Like I don’t have claim to it. Like I have lost touch with reality. Like I have lost the right to be sad. Like I don’t have the right to be depressed and contemplate suicide. Like privilege is the equivalent of happiness. \n",
      "\n",
      "Because we always comment on what do they shave sad about?\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "This has been the longest week since being back 3 months and a week ago. Can it please please please just end already? I honestly just want it to be April 11th. I would have so much in place by then. \n",
      "\n",
      "What I am trying to figure out is — why was I made a research assistant when people were right off the bat hired as ux researchers? Is it because I don’t have my masters and only my bachelors? Is it because I don’t have that much experience? \n",
      "\n",
      "I could quit tomorrow and they wouldn’t think there’s a difference. This traffic has really made me go crazy. Like absolutely bonkers mad. And it’s only been 4 days. \n",
      "\n",
      "I am glad I didn’t quit. Today was a good day. Day 5. \n",
      "\n",
      "I have it easy - I get to sit in my AC car and come home. I have it easy. I don’t see the point of complaining because I have nothing to complain about on this front. My energy should be used more efficiently. People struggle, on two wheelers and on the backseat of autos, walking miles and kilometers to get to their destination. They spend time and money on things that come easy to me. And I waste the time that otherw crave for. I waste it on obsessing over other people and I waste it on tv. What if I gave it to my future. Don’t I already have a launching pad for success? Why don’t I use it? \n",
      "\n",
      "Does wishing something bad happen to someone make you a bad person? What if it’s justifiable? Is it justifiable? Is ghosting a justifiable reason? \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Was I mad? Was I hurt? Yes, yes I was. I thought we had a friendship that mattered but apparently it didn’t. And you turned 2 if my friends against me. Your problem is that you can’t be real w me and somehow your problem is my problem. Somehow I want to come yell at you and cry to you and ask you what the fuck I did wrong. But I love me. You didn’t give me room to breathe. You didn’t respect me and I hate myself for not seeing it sooner. People struggle with relationships and I lovers. I struggle with my friends and some are my best friends. Fake bitches ain’t nothing more. I’ll roast them but I’ll still cheer you on. Stay away from me bitch because the next time you show up in front of me, I am worried I might just kill you. \n",
      "\n",
      "It hurts and I don’t want it to. I have come to terms with it but it still hurts. I don’t know if that makes sense. I am a great friend but she isn’t and I just want her to feel the pain. Is that too much to ask for? Does that make me a bad person? \n",
      "\n",
      "Observation \n",
      "\n",
      "The scene begins with you standing at the R uptown subway stop at Cartland’s street. You have a destination in mind but you are also here and a pet of the experience. \n",
      "\n",
      "There are approximately 27 people on this platform as you begin at 1:42. There are only 2 trains here, both headed in the same direction, with the same stops. \n",
      "\n",
      "You decide to begin now. Look for your headphones. Because you’ve been so forgettable lately you’ve lost one airpod. So you put one in and intentionally open up the other to the sounds around you. You begin your playlist. It is now 1:44pm. \n",
      "\n",
      "There are still people in this platform \n",
      "\t•\ta dad and a daughter play slide \n",
      "\t•\tA man complaining about the train to his wife \n",
      "\t•\tTwo friends chatting and one’s leg moves to the beat\n",
      "1:45pn \n",
      "\t•\ttrain arrives \n",
      "\t•\tMore people get on than leave. The 30 of us are now in this train and I am in a different car from everyone practically \n",
      "\t•\tThe two friends and the man complaining to his wife over phone are in my car \n",
      "\t•\tThe friends feet continue to rhythmically tap - is she nervous? Friends look at one of their phones collectively \n",
      "\t•\tCity hall station \n",
      "\t•\tThere is a lady by the door reading a book \n",
      "\t•\t1 person leaves, 1 enters \n",
      "\n",
      "1:48pm \n",
      "\t•\t12 actively scroll on their phone \n",
      "\t•\tI am hyper aware about observing as I count - do they know what I am doing?\n",
      "\t•\tI am in the center of the train car. 23 people and me \n",
      "\t•\tWe approach canal street. One of the girls with a black coat puts her phone away and looks at her reflection while fixing herself. \n",
      "\t•\tThe lady with the book puts it away and now focuses on wearing her coats. \n",
      "\t•\tNeither get off. Another person got off and about 10 entered. We’re at 30 people in this car. Only 5 on their phone \n",
      "\t•\tA young couple talking \n",
      "\t•\tA person \n",
      "\n",
      "Song changes, train lurches, person looses balance to the beat of the drums \n",
      "\t•\tthe lady w the book got off but the other one did not \n",
      "\n",
      "1:53pm \n",
      "\t•\tsomeone stares at me \n",
      "\t•\tThe friends are still here\n",
      "\n",
      "1:54pn\n",
      "\t•\tUnion square \n",
      "\t•\tAnnouncements \n",
      "\t•\tMany people leave weMte down to 15 \n",
      "\t•\tThe friends are cozied up \n",
      "\t•\tMovement of the subway facilitates the music \n",
      "\t•\tAnother person standing by the other exit moves their feet left and right to the side of their feet and back \n",
      "\n",
      "This was meant to be my stop but I didn’t get off. What am I looking for? Still on the R \n",
      "Both of the groups that began this journey w me are still here and I feel like I must keep going. \n",
      "1:57pm \n",
      "\n",
      "1:59pm \n",
      "\t•\therald square stop \n",
      "\t•\tPeople sit, sleep against their friends or railings \n",
      "\t•\tShare into their phones and into the abyss \n",
      "\n",
      "2:05pn \n",
      "\n",
      "Intermission. You decide to get the Dow gown train. Get on the Q. And you’re back on 14th \n",
      "\n",
      "2:45\n",
      "\n",
      "You are on a other train \n",
      "There are 2 friends huddled around a phone \n",
      "A woman with a book \n",
      "5 people staring at phones \n",
      "\n",
      "Subway music? \n",
      "Stand clear ping sound \n",
      "The shuffle to steady as the train lurches forward \n",
      "Train held so we’re paused \n",
      "About 15 people \n",
      "One man standing sits down and nervous or ticks \n",
      "Woman reading sets book aside and send few messages And goes back to reading \n",
      "Two friends - one napping \n",
      "\n",
      "Symmetry \n",
      "Waiting \n",
      "\n",
      "2:58pn \n",
      "You’re back at cirtlabdr. Across the way from where you started \n",
      "This time you hear the water \n",
      "Beeping in the distance \n",
      "Able meltinf and pipes leaking \n",
      "You are alone ob ‘this side of the empty platfor\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "You hate to admit it-\n",
      "But you drink because \n",
      "You think it makes you better. \n",
      "\n",
      "It takes about 6 drinks. \n",
      "6 shots of straight up \n",
      "vodka to be precise. \n",
      "A lot more beers. \n",
      "But you hate beer anyway\n",
      "Beer is what the fuckboys drink. \n",
      "\n",
      "In your head, you become better. \n",
      "That's when you're in your good stage \n",
      "A little fuzzy glow\n",
      "Around everyone you look at. \n",
      "It's almost like you're in heaven. \n",
      "That's what you say \n",
      "After your sixth shot--\n",
      "\"Am I in heaven now?\" \n",
      "\n",
      "Everything feels lighter\n",
      "You feel lighter. \n",
      "You feel more confident. \n",
      "Is it weird to say your sass \n",
      "Comes back. \n",
      "The alter ego you hide in your\n",
      "Mind is unleashed. \n",
      "She looks for answers. \n",
      "There is a need to know more. \n",
      "\n",
      "You nod heads.\n",
      "Hug people. \n",
      "Dance like you don't give a shit. \n",
      "Your body moves with what you \n",
      "Think is rhythm. \n",
      "You talk to more people and \n",
      "Talking to people brings you \n",
      "Back to the bar for another. \n",
      "\n",
      "Seven. You take a seventh shot. \n",
      "You feel the buzz fill \n",
      "Your body. It's warming. It's confident. \n",
      "The fuckboy in front of you\n",
      "Is just that but you don't care. \n",
      "You nod while he talks about his frat. \n",
      "Eight. You go for eight. \n",
      "\n",
      "Eight is your limit. It's the peak. \n",
      "You know it. But the boy keeps talking \n",
      "You move on to another one \n",
      "The people around seem trashier \n",
      "More drunk \n",
      "Dancing and singing \n",
      "You look for your friends--\n",
      "They are too busy without you. \n",
      "\n",
      "A wave of sadness when happy is \n",
      "Terrible. \n",
      "A wave of sadness when drunk is \n",
      "Worse. \n",
      "It propels you into depression. \n",
      "You know that. You don't want that. \n",
      "Your head says no, \n",
      "Enjoy the buzz. \n",
      "Keep a grip. \n",
      "Your heart says Nine. \n",
      "Your heart says test the waters \n",
      "\n",
      "Nine. Ten. Eleven. \n",
      "You jump head first. \n",
      "People chatter, \n",
      "People sing. \n",
      "People call you an alcoholic. \n",
      "You were buzzed and now you aren't. \n",
      "It took Eleven shots. \n",
      "\n",
      "Your friends are the last thing \n",
      "That bother you. \n",
      "The boy in front of you stops talking. \n",
      "And all you want is a person. \n",
      "It's a need that envelopes you. \n",
      "And you hate that need. \n",
      "You try to take that need off in \n",
      "The only way you know how- \n",
      "Enveloping yourself in something else-- \n",
      "A fuckboy. \n",
      "\n",
      "Twelve. You take a twelfth to forget. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "There is something so magical seeing someone sing live. I never got why people become concert junkies. But I get it now. I watched Troye Sivan live tonight. For the first time, I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry through every song. I took 4 videos before I was done. Because the magic of being in that moment, dancing to those songs will never return. But here is to the endless concerts. And the endless jam sessions. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I sit on rooftops and quads\n",
      "Looking at the stars and city lights\n",
      "I watch the blue mix with the \n",
      "Dark black trees \n",
      "I watch reflections on still water \n",
      "I am waiting \n",
      "I don't know for what or who or where\n",
      "I just know I am waiting \n",
      "On this cloudless Seattle day\n",
      "On the rooftops and quads \n",
      "I sit there waiting \n",
      "As the sky turns different shades of blue\n",
      "I watch the planes leave their smoke\n",
      "And stars illuminate the sky \n",
      "But I won't wait forever \n",
      "Because here in Seattle, \n",
      "Cloudless blue skies \n",
      "Don't last too long \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I drink a little too much sometimes \n",
      "I know I shouldn't but I take another shot \n",
      "How do you stop yourself? \n",
      "When it tastes so good \n",
      "And goes down so easily.its your drug\n",
      "And you let it inhibit you. \n",
      "I do stupid things when I am drunk-- \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Facebook people and people people are different. \n",
      "That's one of the first things you learn in college. \n",
      "\n",
      "My need for independence scares me sometimes \n",
      "\n",
      "I hope to see you around \n",
      "I think about the 1am vodka shots\n",
      "How easily they went down my throat \n",
      "How you needed a chaser \n",
      "\n",
      "Bright red solo cups \n",
      "In a dimly lit room \n",
      "More jungle juice \n",
      "More beer \n",
      "More weed \n",
      "It's everywhere \n",
      "I slip into a corner \n",
      "And watch \n",
      "People \n",
      "Because that's what I do \n",
      "I watch people \n",
      "\n",
      "It's 3am and I crawl into bed \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "They call me plain, \n",
      "They say I don't do \n",
      "Anything fun. \n",
      "It hurts because \n",
      "Your alter ego wants more. \n",
      "\n",
      "You say that through the smoke \n",
      "Coming through your nostrils\n",
      "You want it to not hurt \n",
      "You get drunk \n",
      "And make terrible life choices \n",
      "And just because \n",
      "You don't laugh at stupid \n",
      "Things \n",
      "You are called not fun \n",
      "\n",
      "You have stuff to add \n",
      "Why do you not add to the \n",
      "Conversation thing \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "There is a fine line between \n",
      "Pretend hate and actual hate. \n",
      "People forget that sometimes \n",
      "People forget how fragile feelings are. \n",
      "I am tired of being that person who has \n",
      "To worry. I don't want to worry anymore. \n",
      "\n",
      "Sometimes we just need pick-me-ups\n",
      "I am looking for mine. Because \n",
      "Alcohol can only do so much \n",
      "And then you need people. It's a deadly cycle between drugs and toxic people. \n",
      "\n",
      "Because I have walked this road a\n",
      "Thousand times before. And I am done. \n",
      "I want to be done. I want this to be over. \n",
      "I want this lifetime of pain to end. \n",
      "It hurts and I cannot breathe. \n",
      "I have walked this tightrope to many times \n",
      "One too many more than I can count \n",
      "\n",
      "I have never had to take a bus in Bangalore city. I have sat in an auto a handful of times. I have never walked kilometers to get to my destination. That is my privilege in India. Where I have always had someone to pick up after me. Where a driver wasn’t a novel, and sitting in a car the only way to get somewhere. Where my relationship with money was defined by my parents. Where I had to look at them for a little bit to spend instead of getting a job or the bank. Where I teetered on the edge of upper middle class and middle class to firmly settle up in the upper middle class. Where spending without thinking was just normal. Where this privilege of a car, of air conditioning, a driver, a helper, never crossed my mind. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I am so angry. Why at the lunch table do we have to bring up my driver? Why at lunch do we have to bring up my Hindi? Ever since I started working here I have realized I will get judged for things that are beyond my control. Yes I have a driver. Realistically, we are spending less on him than we would be on cab fare. My mom has help because she is literally in pain. I don’t hve to pay for him because my dad does. I fucking lived in another country and English is t\n",
      "\n",
      "Knowing things--that's what you like the most. It's this instinct to know what's wrong with people, to have them confide in you. You say it's so you don't have to talk about yourself. You hate talking about your emotions. It makes you feel things. It hurts not knowing things. \n",
      "Somewhere along the way, you lost them. You lost your confidence and you became a fly on the wall. \n",
      "\n",
      "People make people. But what we don't realize is that people also break people. \n",
      "\n",
      "There aren't too many instances where you can point to and be like this is where it all changed. I hope for many, those the times when the realization that everything has slotted into place hits you. Like when you were kid playing with the big blocks and you would try and try and fail again until one through tears eyes, you see a picture that makes sense in front of you \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "People make people. But what we don't realize is that people also break people. \n",
      "\n",
      "There aren't too many instances where you can point to and be like this is where it all changed. I hope for many, those the times when the realization that everything has slotted into place hits you. Like when you were kid playing with the big blocks and you would try and try and fail again until one through tears eyes, you see a picture that makes sense in front of you \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Corrected\n",
      "i’ve been corrected twice today:\n",
      "\t1\tDirty pain in women in the tinder swindler. I guess that it isn’t dirty pain, it’s clean pain but the dirty pain they do to themselves sometimes where they’re in denial. Some are able to turn it into clean pain\n",
      "\t2\tSeattle doesn’t have culture and america started on the east coast. History isn’t culture and it does have history. I guess it does have history l, the land is rich and there is history but there isn’t human history, no historical significant thing has happened yet or maybe it’s not talked about. If it is Native American history then let’s talk about it, let’s cherish it more. The culture there today seems very sleepy. Maybe it’s just not my culture. No museums and dinners and\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "It starts with a lump in your throat until it's a burning in your stomach. You cry yourself to sleep, silently yet visibly shaking. Someone else sleeps in the same room as you and they don't hear you. You know where you are going. In the few moments when the clouds part and the sun filters, you stand on the roof and let yourself breathe. You know where you are going. You haven't been there in a while, you haven't battled the dungeon in as long as you have known. You ache. And you just want to stop aching. \n",
      "\n",
      "You try being happier, but all of a sudden people try to push you away. You feel like you aren't wanted. You feel like it's you. You need to talk to someone. \n",
      "\n",
      "If it’s a play about people \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Starts the show talking about what do people like seeing? What’s interesting - potato chip. People more than anything. Then why not take out everything and just leave the people so you can watch people \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "If it’s a okay about people then why did the shadows become more entertaining at one point? \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Who we are is not in here but extends to the connections between all of us \n",
      "\n",
      "But people get under your skin easily. You feel like you aren't wanted. And you hate it. \n",
      "\n",
      "Jen hates being called Jenny. Jenny is used too much and \"Jen just sounds so much classier,\" she says. To which you respond, \"and older.\" She gives you the look. Every Time, it's the same. It's routine. And routine scares me sometimes. \n",
      "\n",
      "The night is black and that's where my demons hide. \n",
      "___________\n",
      "\n",
      "I hope to see you around \n",
      "I think about the 1am vodka shots\n",
      "How easily they went down my throat \n",
      "How you needed a chaser \n",
      "\n",
      "Bright red solo cups \n",
      "In a dimly lit room \n",
      "More jungle juice \n",
      "More beer \n",
      "More weed \n",
      "It's everywhere \n",
      "I slip into a corner \n",
      "And watch \n",
      "People \n",
      "Because that's what I do \n",
      "I watch people \n",
      "______________\n",
      "\n",
      "Sometimes i sleep with a smile on my face, \n",
      "Moon shaped smiles and stars in my eyes. \n",
      "_____________\n",
      "I watched the rain fall on the window pane. I fell in love with the noise, with the way the droplets trickled down the glass window. There was something magical about the rain. It made me smile. \n",
      "\n",
      "I have been walking in this Seattle rain for a week; hoping for a ray of sunlight. I should be sad because that's what the weather says. I relate to the weather; I cry with the clouds and laugh twith the sun, sleep with the stars and dream with the moon. The sky has this crazy hold over me. But he past week I have been walking around in this rain, \n",
      "_______________\n",
      "Flying over the country is one of the most beautiful things. \n",
      "\n",
      "When we took off, we rapidly approached the darkness. Running away from that light. Somewhere near the end, the light started again. Flying through a sea of clouds, all I want to do is get off right here and stand on the clouds like they do in the cartoons. Because on one side as the sun rises over the horizon, kissing the cloud line with a warm glow, the other side was a shadow of the darkness. How perfectly the two fit together. Just like the sun and moon. \n",
      "\n",
      "The sun kissed the clouds and the clouds refused to give way. The clouds turned a beautiful pink. As the sun rose, it reflected with the blue skin and the orange glow to make a sprinkle \n",
      "\n",
      "Clouds seemed like the roads. I never knew what\n",
      "\n",
      "Isn't snow just chunks of cloud falling from the sky? \n",
      "_______________\n",
      "The sand slipped through my fingers. Midway it started flowing upwards like as if a magnet was placed above us except the magnet wasn't strong enough for me. It was only the mystical pieces of sand that were attracted as they clinged to the ceiling with a magical hold. Find\n",
      "\n",
      "Yet, grains of sand are so vast and deep. There are so many and countless. But if you look for blue pigmented sand and trap it in an hourglass, it is forever yours because deep down, the sand is your sapphire, your gem. It's your time and you can do as you wish with it. Watch the sand fall as it may taking a beautiful shape of its own due to the magnet you place under it. The shape can be your life.\n",
      "_______________\n",
      "There is something so sinfully mystical about doing things in the night. I have this place where I go to think. I found it about a week ago and I have walked there more than a dozen times at all of the oddest hours of the night. Today I needed time to think and at 12am on a cloud yet sunny Seattle day, I couldn't muster the courage to cross the road. I have j walked on the same crossings a 100 times yet this time it's different. It felt different \n",
      "Everything was sketchier and uglier. The walk there didn't give me the adrenaline boost it usually does. Maybe it was because I had skipped class for this. Maybe because I was running away from \n",
      "____________\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Money\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "here’s the thing about money: your relationship with it can irrevocably explain key facets of your identity. You can have nothing, live pay check to pay check, and still find happiness because you understand money isn’t what makes you happy, it’s people. \n",
      "\n",
      "Secondly, there is a disproportionate amount of people that spend money on things that are not as worth  judgment seems to exist on buying more visibly material and expensive things. On eating out. The smaller payments like excessive grocery shopping and wastage of food, buying $18 books, developing $20 film. These are the type of things that don’t get looked at. Maybe because people that do these things think they have such little of it or maybe because these aren’t seen as lavish luxuries rather necessities to live. \n",
      "\n",
      "This past weekend or a lot of the times I’ve sensed major judgment when I talk about eating out at expensive restaurants. I like food and I like the experience of it. I believe it’s something worth spending money on. Yet, it’s fleeting, not something one can own and hence seen as a corollary of an expensive lifestyle rather than a main expense in a budget lifestyle. I don’t spend money shopping or developing film or groceries. I spend it on people and spending time with people in a curated dining experience. That to me is happiness. So why can’t I be seen as a budget conscious woman as well? \n",
      "\n",
      "There are 3 types of people \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I feel suspended in space \n",
      "\n",
      "We don't take the long way home \n",
      "So we can find unknown and new places \n",
      "We are so used to the same monotonous \n",
      "Routine \n",
      "And I am tired. \n",
      "Tired of this. \n",
      "Tired of the iron grip I have on my life \n",
      "\n",
      "People ask \n",
      "'How do you live with you fears?' \n",
      "I know what they mean. They \n",
      "Mean, 'How are you scared of dogs \n",
      "and heights. How are you scared \n",
      "of these things and still do it?\" \n",
      "\n",
      "It's because you don't know my \n",
      "Deepest and darkest fears. \n",
      "You don't know what keeps me \n",
      "Up at night. And trust me, you \n",
      "Don't want to know. I am strong. \n",
      "And I can't even take it sometimes. \n",
      "I dont think you want to know. \n",
      "\n",
      "It's like when people call you \n",
      "Frantically, worried, you know\n",
      "They need something from you. \n",
      "Except when you told them you \n",
      "Can't help, they cut the call.\n",
      "She said she thought her \n",
      "Character was a bitch in my story. \n",
      "Stories are based off of real life. \n",
      "Honey, I love you.\n",
      "But you are a bitch\n",
      "\n",
      "We live in a world of big brand names\n",
      "We love Kendrick and Arctic Monkeys \n",
      "For they have name\n",
      "And I love them as much as the other guy\n",
      "As much as Chad from Sigma Apple Pie\n",
      "But I also love \n",
      "My clothes from thrift stores\n",
      "My coffee with unbranded cups \n",
      "And artists who sell their music on street corners\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Why did you leave? \n",
      "I wish friendships could have friendship surveys \n",
      "A reminder to know yes I am in this friendship \n",
      "And no I am not being burdened by you \n",
      "\n",
      "Why did you leave? There has to be a reason \n",
      "A reason in my because obviously there is a reason \n",
      "And it’s me because you left and before you another person left and before you someone else left \n",
      "It has to be me because I am the only common denominator \n",
      "And trust me I have tried to take me out of the equation one too many times \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I fall in love with people a little too easily \n",
      "Far easier than I fall out of love with them \n",
      "Because I don’t think I ever do fall out of love with them \n",
      "I bare my soul for them \n",
      "Even when they threaten to rip it out of my heart \n",
      "I am over it \n",
      "\n",
      "~ \n",
      "I hate money, I hate everything it brings with it. I hate the talk, I hate the assumptions. I guess sometimes assumptions are necessary. I guess it’s needed sometimes to profile people. \n",
      "\n",
      "This job was doing well for me, it has taught me a lot. Being back home has been good for me. But the past week, I can feel it turning toxic. Both, work, and the city. I love being home, but I am getting too comfortable. I don’t have a life and I am finally missing my friends. It’s tough without social interaction, especially when your social media feeds are filled with them. I miss them but I am too lazy to text them and follow up. As for this job, don’t even get me started. I am so tired of being profiled as a “rich” and “priveleged” kid. Rather than meeting people and rather than learning, I see it becoming an obstacle. I see it become  a problem. I see it become a wedge. I am tired of the traffic, I am tired of the non communication, and in all honesty, I am tired of sitting on the bench. I am tired of the assumptions and I feel incapable to break through the assumptions. I feel incapable to make a change. I feel incapable to get my voice heard. I feel stifled. \n",
      "\n",
      "This is a question I’ve had for years — am I an exception? Like am I pampered too much? I know people who have lived lives far more privileged than mine, do they hide it? Do they feel ashaamed? Am I doing something wrong that makes me standout more than I should? Should I act in a different way or talk in a different way? And what about them, who are more privileged? Do they just not interact with people or are put in situations that make them reflect on their privilege? How do they own it? How? \n",
      "\n",
      "I don’t know whether it’s the impending admissions results or the fact that I’ve been back 4 months now (almost 5) or the fact that some things about work are just giving me a lot of anxiety, but I am just questioning everything and I don’t feel ok. I don’t feel the best. I have a pit in my stomach since yesterday, I am taken back to 4 years ago, I feel lonely, I have very bad thoughts, and I am depresssed. There really is no other word for it but I feel despair and I am depressed in the dictionary definiton of these terms. Despair, Depressed, and Desperate. \n",
      "\n",
      "I am itching for change. I think Krishna makes the world go in mysterious ways. I am not sad about coming home. Hell, it was the best thing to happen to me. Something I was craving. I need to put it to good use and actually send in pieces for publication. And so, I believe whatever will happen next will be for the best and to teach me something. To help me grow in some way. I am just desperate to know what it is. \n",
      "\n",
      "I actually miss academia though. Working has taught me that I miss academia and I know what to do this time around. I miss academic research. \n",
      "\n",
      "I love a little too easily. \n",
      "I remember growing up with my mum. She would tell me, \"Darling, love a little less.\" \n",
      "\n",
      "notes on fluency \n",
      "the ability to hold conversation with skilled dexterity over a breadth of vocabulary. the feeling of calling, owning, and commanding over a language; often one that is “native” (defined as origin, history, generational) to a person. it is about autonomy and ownership over words and thoughts, inculcating inclusivity and assimilation within a person.  often fluency is accompanied by lack of recall causing the person to rely on extensive description to relay the message; it’s the approach of learning to string the right words in the correct order to form a description that elicits the word from the native speaker. \n",
      "\n",
      "I am so tired, \n",
      "Tired of everyone \n",
      "And everything. \n",
      "Last night was fun. \n",
      "With them, \n",
      "I don't have anxiety. \n",
      "It's because I don't have expectations. \n",
      "They are just easier to be around. \n",
      "And I am done carving out paths \n",
      "For other people to trample on. \n",
      "I am my own person. \n",
      "\n",
      "We used to be best friends. \n",
      "What happened to that? \n",
      "I barely see you. \n",
      "We co-exist.\n",
      "We barely talk. \n",
      "This is what you want. \n",
      "This is on you. \n",
      "You should know that. \n",
      "I tried talking. \n",
      "You shot me down. \n",
      "Enjoy with your other friends. \n",
      "Because you are just a person to me now. \n",
      "I am done. \n",
      "\n",
      "7:40pm; walking thoughts\n",
      "There is something so introspective about putting in your earphones and walking around, thinking about what’s happening and how you’re feeling. You feel like such a main character in the middle of a major life crisis.\n",
      "And well, I feel like that. I feel alone and empty and scared. So. Scared. I haven’t had to need a lot of things in my life. New York, definitely a want. But I have always needed people. I have always needed to not feel so alone. I have always needed to be needed. And somehow I get a lot of things but I don’t get that. What do I hve to do to get those things? To feel safe in trusting people? To be happy within myself?\n",
      "I am happy with myself I promise I am.\n",
      "Everything said and done, this year gave me one very vital thing: it gave me the time to be me, for me to understand who I am and what I want from life. It gave me the time to love myself like I’ve never loved myself. My job, regardless of everything I say about it, it saved me. It gave me purpose and forced me to live. It gave me value and I am definitely sad to leave. I wasn’t in a good place a year ago. I remember laying on the floor of my bathroom a little over a year ago wishing to milk myself. I am not going to lie, I have thought about that a lot but my job, my family, and my friends from overseas kept me alive.\n",
      "I am ready to jump into this next chapter of my life. I am scared but I am ready. I have nothing holding me down here. Nothing holding me back. Nothing keeping me back. I can do and be what I want.\n",
      "I feel very aimless like I don’t know what to do with my weekends. Is that how workaholics become? My workaholic self is motivated by loneliness.\n",
      "I need people to like me and I fight it but it’s difficult.\n",
      "I am scared of finding and meeting people to live with in New York. How do I do it?\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Lake\n",
      "\n",
      "Have you ever been to a lake? I could just sit by a lake with birds and ducks and duck watch for hours \n",
      "\n",
      "I do wish it everyday. I hate people who lie to me and who aren't straight with me. \n",
      "I do want them to be unhappy. Is it terrible of me to wish that they s\n",
      "\n",
      "Lately - dinners \n",
      "Lately I’ve been doing dinners. I am a brunch girl through and through. Breakfast for dinner has been my favorite meal since I was a child. As I grew I woke up too late and didn’t have time for breakfasts and so a breakfast for lunch or dinner seemed like the best way to get my breakfast food kick - waffles, pancakes, brioche, EGGS. Brunch - well brunch is my favorite meal. Add some day drinking where it’s completely respectable and acceptable to pass out at 9pm - I am here for it. But lately I’ve been having some great dinner meals. \n",
      "\n",
      "It’s been about the conversations, the intimacy, the less flare but more sophisticated approach to it all. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Lately peripheral friendships\n",
      "\n",
      "There are so many people in your life you’re friends with because of circumstance. Is that why you make friends? \n",
      "\n",
      "How do I know we’re out of the pandemic? \n",
      "\n",
      "Well my depression came back. Full for r and that weird anti social funk where I hate everything even tho if h my life is pretty great. That fucjing existential dread! \n",
      "\n",
      "This morning \n",
      "\n",
      "I had a hallucination …….. about killing myself. I thought about how easy it would be to go to the kitchen and pick up a knife and slit my wrist. How I won’t have to deal with any of this anymore. No one will find me for a few days and then probably my parents will find out that I am not replying to calls and set out a hunt for me. Probably call kaavya or bhaiya and then Erica will probably find me. \n",
      "\n",
      "I never planned to live this long. I never planned to actually graduating college, to actually living an adult life. And that’s why I struggle with this so much. I don’t know how to be an adult because I never wanted to be one. I never thought I would get here. \n",
      "\n",
      "So k went tkt be fun \n",
      "\n",
      "I know when things are going south. And this is it. This is it. I am sinking. That point that always happens it's come. I am out. \n",
      "\n",
      "I am done. I m not that important to any of them\n",
      "\n",
      "I have been through this a thousand times before. I know what this means. And I am done, done being treated like this. This is how I have felt for a long, long time. I am crying on the inside. I am done. \n",
      "\n",
      "April 9th 2016, 3:55 AM\n",
      "There is something I just realized. This world I am living in is mine. That's a thought that goes through my mind everyday. I remind myself that everyday but right now it was one of those rare 4 am musings. This life I am living is mine, and mine alone. I can sit here and laugh over videos or I can go out there and make some experiences. I don't need to rely on people to make my experiences. I need myself. And sometimes, that's going to be enough. Sometimes I am going to have an ache in my chest which is going to scream how I need people. But other times, I am going to remind myself I am enough. I need to remind myself that because there is so much I want from this world, so many experiences that no one else but I can push for. \n",
      "\n",
      "happiness comes in short bursts\n",
      "and i take as much of it as i can get.  \n",
      "\n",
      "the pit of my stomach is hollow \n",
      "and my heart clenches \n",
      "\n",
      "i have been down this road one too many times\n",
      "and i have picked myself up \n",
      "\n",
      "if i fall again\n",
      "will i stand up again? \n",
      "\n",
      "I hate to say this, but,\n",
      "But your actions hurt me. \n",
      "They affect me more than they should. \n",
      "I try to not let them- \n",
      "Because after all, \n",
      "You are only my friend, \n",
      "Another person in the sea. \n",
      "You treat me like a bystander, \n",
      "A placeholder, \n",
      "And I take it. Because on those days,\n",
      "The ones we laugh and watch movies, \n",
      "I am happier. But this, \n",
      "This is toxic. \n",
      "I have enough people to \n",
      "Bring me down. \n",
      "I have an army that I call family, \n",
      "As they bulldoze me with bullets. \n",
      "I call it quits on the friendships that do so too.\n",
      "I need to start cutting ties, \n",
      "And I need to start doing it from you--\n",
      "The people who make me anxious.  \n",
      "\n",
      "You call me passive,\n",
      "But honey, you are the most unoriginal person\n",
      "I have ever met. I would never tell you this \n",
      "Because I have a heart. But, you are a clone of \n",
      "The people you hang out with. I see you change, \n",
      "Change with every person you meet.\n",
      "It’s a great thing. \n",
      "But when I see the people, \n",
      "When I hang out with them, I see who they are. \n",
      "And I see who you are.\n",
      "Nobody changes that fast. \n",
      "Because then, \n",
      "What do you believe in? \n",
      "What do you stand for? \n",
      "I thought you didn’t tell me because \n",
      "You didn’t want to talk about it. \n",
      "But now I realize, it’s because\n",
      "You don’t know.  \n",
      "You can’t call me passive,\n",
      "Because darling, \n",
      "You don’t know me. \n",
      "You never asked if I was okay, \n",
      "Or if I had a bad day when I clearly did. \n",
      "You made small talk, \n",
      "And I hate small talk. \n",
      "\n",
      "You said I didn’t believe in the right things,\n",
      "When you talked about kids in the future \n",
      "And I said I don’t want kids, \n",
      "You told me I would change my mind. \n",
      "Stop telling me what to do.\n",
      "And how you and that boy you met 20 minutes ago \n",
      "Are now a “thing”,\n",
      "I laughed internally. \n",
      "Internally because I am a great friend, \n",
      "I am there for you, \n",
      "A shoulder for you to cry on. \n",
      "But you haven’t seen me cry. \n",
      "You look at your phone when I try, \n",
      "Try to tell you about my shitty day. \n",
      "You treat me like a blank page, \n",
      "When I am color. \n",
      "I don’t believe in the things you\n",
      "Believe in. But I believe in the clouds\n",
      "parting for the sun. \n",
      "Even if it’s for a couple of minutes \n",
      "Amidst this Seattle rain. \n",
      "I believe in wishing on stars, and \n",
      "Knocking on wood. \n",
      "I believe in the power of words, \n",
      "And kindness. \n",
      "I believe that one day I can make a difference.\n",
      "I believe in the little things, \n",
      "And I would run--faster than light if I could--\n",
      "Towards it. \n",
      "\n",
      "You said I wasn’t smart. \n",
      "Sure, I laugh at myself, \n",
      "But that’s because I am a good sport about things. \n",
      "You don’t have the right to shit on me-\n",
      "Especially not for being me. \n",
      "I have dealt with people like you all my life, \n",
      "But look at me, I am still standing. \n",
      "And I intend on being this strong--\n",
      "Or actually much stronger at the end. \n",
      "Don’t laugh at me or call me dumb, \n",
      "Because I have better grades than you right now. \n",
      "Because I give a shit about things other than “practicality”\n",
      "Because I have been through things \n",
      "You have no idea about. \n",
      "You’re right, \n",
      "I am not the smartest person out there. \n",
      "But you don’t have a right to tell me \n",
      "I have no ambition \n",
      "Because you aren’t my mother. \n",
      "Because I am not scared to look, \n",
      "To crave the wilder things. \n",
      "Don’t laugh at me, \n",
      "Because it makes you sound like a hater. \n",
      "\n",
      "I have spent a lot of time on you, \n",
      "And on the things you have said. \n",
      "I have tried to win approval but what I realize, \n",
      "Is that I am not important to you. \n",
      "You are an important part of me,\n",
      "You have been a part of my life\n",
      "For far too long. \n",
      "But I am tired of being \n",
      "A paper clip to paper people. \n",
      "You make it a competition, \n",
      "I never entered. \n",
      "And if you thought I did, \n",
      "This is me saying, \n",
      "“I am out.” \n",
      "Because I don’t shy away from \n",
      "Telling people I can’t manage anymore. \n",
      "I don’t give up on people. \n",
      "But I am learning how to--\n",
      "Starting with you. \n",
      "Because I am done with this toxicity. \n",
      "\n",
      "Stick, stuck, sticking--\n",
      "I hate the variations. \n",
      "\n",
      "Sticks, like the twigs I threw at you. \n",
      "The ones you held in the flat of your palm,\n",
      "Grazing your fingers along the rough edges. \n",
      "Twigs, you crushed them one-by-one, \n",
      "Leaving ashes in a cloudy smoke around your face, \n",
      "With laughter ringing in the forests. \n",
      "You made me laugh, \n",
      "Through my sadness and pain. \n",
      "You made me want to stick, \n",
      "Stick to you as we rushed past throngs of people. \n",
      "You made me want to be stuck, \n",
      "Next to you, but I was scared. \n",
      "\n",
      "Stuck, that’s how I’ve always felt, \n",
      "That’s what I am scared of. \n",
      "You make it seem so easy, \n",
      "But in truth, \n",
      "Pearls are stuck in oysters, till oysters break. \n",
      "I want more than the oyster, I want the sea. \n",
      "Pearls, \n",
      "I think of the way they lined my mum’s neck\n",
      "When she was with my father. \n",
      "I think of the way she used to twirl them\n",
      "When she was happy. \n",
      "But my father left, and with him he took the pearls, \n",
      "He broke the oyster. \n",
      "I always resented him for it--\n",
      "Even if I am turning into him. \n",
      "He was worried about sticking, \n",
      "Being stuck with us when there was so much more. \n",
      "I wish I could say leaving is easy, \n",
      "But I know the pain he went through, \n",
      "I felt it as I walked away from you. \n",
      "\n",
      "Sticking, I wish the car stuck that day, \n",
      "The way chocolate fondue sticks to my strawberry,\n",
      "Only if the tyres didn’t skid on the grease, \n",
      "Only if my brother’s car hadn’t crashed into the woods. \n",
      "Only if trees dropped sticks when cars ran into them.\n",
      "Instead, my brother was crushed under the weight of the fallen trees.\n",
      "He didn’t stick, \n",
      "He left more easily than my father. \n",
      "It was the last thread, \n",
      "I watched my mother change every night,\n",
      "I watched my mother grow frailer by the day.\n",
      "I watched her until she wasn’t here.\n",
      "She never wanted to be here.\n",
      "She never wanted this life for me.\n",
      "She never wanted me to be stuck like she was.\n",
      "But she left, \n",
      "Left me to be stuck here alone. \n",
      "\n",
      "I am scared of the woods.\n",
      "I am scared of the sticks I throw at you.\n",
      "I am scared of being stuck in this world.\n",
      "I am scared of being stuck in my mind.\n",
      "But I keep coming back to it.\n",
      "I keep throwing sticks at you,\n",
      "I keep eating fondue\n",
      "And I keep driving through the woods.\n",
      "But I fell,\n",
      "Fell down the rabbit hole\n",
      "And I couldn’t do it any longer. \n",
      "Alice didn’t find her wonderland so how could I?\n",
      "\n",
      "Instead, I took solace in you.\n",
      "You were the reason I stayed for however long I did. \n",
      "Because throwing sticks at you almost made everything okay.\n",
      "Watching the sticks bounce off your arm meant I would one day leave.\n",
      "But with every day, \n",
      "You made me want to leave less. \n",
      "But I had to go, \n",
      "So I just wanted you to pour the morphine down my throat\n",
      "So I didn’t have to live anymore.\n",
      "So I didn’t have to be stuck anymore.\n",
      "I thought you wouldn’t mind,\n",
      "Because you broke me long ago—\n",
      "Crushed me with your strength\n",
      "Just like the trees did to my brother\n",
      "And you did to the sticks I threw at you.\n",
      "\n",
      "I remember playing on playgrounds as a child,\n",
      "Playing with the coarse yellow sand,\n",
      "The swings and the red slides.\n",
      "I remember running around in my yellow dress—\n",
      "The one my mum insisted I wear, \n",
      "The one I hated with a burning passion. \n",
      "The one everyone complimented—\n",
      "Saying I looked effortless and fun. \n",
      "I thought that was happiness--\n",
      "The feather light, carelessness of it all. \n",
      "\n",
      "And slowly, leaves fell from trees,\n",
      "Only to be replaced by new ones--\n",
      "And I watched them fall around my favourite park,\n",
      "Watching the temporality of yellow leaves\n",
      "On a fall day. \n",
      "Year after year, I came back on the same day\n",
      "To watch the same tree change color—\n",
      "Even through the humdrum of life, \n",
      "I made my favourite childhood park my safe haven—\n",
      "From the baggage I accumulated on the other 364 days. \n",
      "\n",
      "The brightness of a warm and yellow sun, \n",
      "had been replaced by the dark grey clouds.\n",
      "I’d take more time to plan my outfits, \n",
      "Think about the comments before posting a picture, \n",
      "And how I’d be perceived. \n",
      "On the other 364 days of the year, \n",
      "I’m more caught up with the glow of my screen, \n",
      "Than the yellow coarse sand I’d grown up playing with.\n",
      "\n",
      "I was seventeen, \n",
      "And I had had one too many shots of something I can’t even remember. \n",
      "While I was trying to drown my pseudo misery, \n",
      "My drunken state brought me back to that memory--\n",
      "Of the carelessness, the feather light feeling. \n",
      "I looked around the room, \n",
      "The people I craved had a fuzzy yellow glow around them \n",
      "Like they knew something I didn’t. And so, I asked someone—\n",
      "It was the night I found out about Van Gogh. \n",
      "\n",
      "Van Gogh ate yellow paint\n",
      "Because yellow is the color of happiness,\n",
      "And even though he knew it would kill him, \n",
      "Van Gogh thought,\n",
      "The paint would make him happy on the inside. \n",
      "\n",
      "Through fragments of careless, childhood memories, \n",
      "I remember thinking if life was that easy—\n",
      "And we, humans, had just made life a little bit of a chore\n",
      "With the pressures of what is socially acceptable or not. \n",
      "And so, the next morning, \n",
      "Nursing a raging hangover-induced headache,\n",
      "I painted my room yellow--\n",
      "So that the sun was always in my room.\n",
      "\n",
      "Van Gogh ate yellow paint so he could be happy, \n",
      "So that he could create art that would be appreciated and loved.\n",
      "Van Gogh ate yellow paint so he could be accepted for who he was, \n",
      "I eat mine by being the paper clip to the paper people. \n",
      "By sitting around, in the dark, listening to the heartbeats,\n",
      "By the constant urge to need people--\n",
      "By being calm--like the blue empty skies--\n",
      "When I feel like a thunderstorm is coming, \n",
      "Just so I could be accepted for my feather light carelessness. \n",
      "\n",
      "Yellow paint became my personal sign of happiness, \n",
      "Almost as if the Van Gogh story was a metaphor to my life.\n",
      "And as I replaced my dress for yellow rain boots, \n",
      "I felt lighter because the things I attached to \n",
      "My symbol kept me grounded in reality—\n",
      "Even if I knew, the happiness they brought me\n",
      "Were like the temporary yellow fall leaves. \n",
      "\n",
      "There is something magical in the way light enters a room-- like a sharp spotlight. Almost as if you could see the air particles dancing in the sunlight, as you watch the long shadows move across the canvas. There is something magical about the long lean \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "One day out of the blue you stopped replying to my texts \n",
      "I told myself it was in my head \n",
      "But it wasn’t was it? \n",
      "I have always believed in self love and surrounding yourself with positivity \n",
      "I try to be the sunshine on rainy Seattle days so that you would still want me to be around \n",
      "But you don’t. \n",
      "You turned your back on me when I needed you the most but you still have this hold over me \n",
      "I still text you even though I know you won’t see them \n",
      "Even though I know you won’t reply \n",
      "I text you because i think about our inside jokes and I think about the times that have passed and I think about the times we stayed awake together \n",
      "And I hope that that will remind you \n",
      "That that will make you miss me \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "And I fucking hate you for that \n",
      "But I will always love you even when you don’t love me\n",
      "But I will be there when you need me \n",
      "And you will always have a sunshine in me. \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "One day out of the blue you stopped replying to my texts \n",
      "I told myself it was in my head \n",
      "But it wasn’t was it? \n",
      "I have always believed in self love and surrounding yourself with positivity \n",
      "I try to be the sunshine on rainy Seattle days so that you would still want me to be around \n",
      "But you don’t. \n",
      "You turned your back on me when I needed you the most but you still have this hold over me \n",
      "I still text you even though I know you won’t see them \n",
      "Even though I know you won’t reply \n",
      "I text you because i think about our inside jokes and I think about the times that have passed and I think about the times we stayed awake together \n",
      "And I hope that that will remind you \n",
      "That that will make you miss me \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "And I fucking hate you for that \n",
      "But I will always love you even when you don’t love me\n",
      "But I will be there when you need me \n",
      "And you will always have a sunshine in me. \n",
      "\n",
      "There is apparently a certain novelty to being single in college—especially Spring quarter. Its almost as if, all the couples have come out of hiding because you see more of them on the quad, on Red Square. You see them holding hands and a clear sign of PDA. For other people its like being single is the greatest thing they have thought of. For those who have been in a relationship (even if its on-and-off) since fall quarter, they are tired of the seasonal changes and want to embrace the independence. Then there is the people who are sex-crazed and don’t want to be tied down. I am not sure how many people make up my category but I am single, barely been kissed, girl who just wants a relationship. Who just wants a person to need them and keep them company. I am not asking for much, but apparently its so hard to be loved that I have given up.\n",
      "\n",
      "Relationships were never my priority in high school. That was something I would do in college. I had this idea of college—lots of boys, lots of alcohol and lots of fun. Honestly, college has been fun but it just seems like high school 2.0. Except this time, I actually want a relationship. I know there are 5 months of the quarter left and then 4 long months of vacations. What’s worse when one of your best friends has a line of boys almost as if the universe tells the boys she knows that she is currently single or going to be very soon. And even before she s done with one, sh has another primed and ready to parade in. She doesn’t need the boys, but sh has them as a back up for when she does. And then there is this other friend who has never been a person who talks boy. But she fell in love with her best friend almost as if her life is a cliche. \n",
      "\n",
      "Apparently I am asking for too much when I say all I want is a boy to love me. \n",
      "\n",
      "There is a certain glow on the horizon, a light pinkish hue as it mixes with the yellow accents. The color dips into a blue, like the vast blue dark skies. How is the sky blue when the sun is orange \n",
      "\n",
      "I keep thinking about what my life should be like. That’s a thought that crosses my head way too many times. If I have to think about who my best friend in college is my mind goes to the person I opened up to but they dropped me. It hurts because I don’t have a best friend anymore. And I think about how long it took me to open up and how I might ever open up again and I am baffled. The funny thing is I keep looking at how my life should be that I forget to look at how my life is now. I am loved and cherished and people care about me. It’s more than I could have ever asked and it makes my heart so full. I forget to love myself because I am too busy loving others. I am too busy waiting for their approval but really I’m the one who got me here. Yet somehow I keep questioning my worth and my strength. I brought myself here from those dark days. I stand here, not thinking about auicide or how a knife would feel on my wrist because really it took a long time to come here. But I am here and I forget to cherish that. \n",
      "\n",
      "That's the thing society tells you to need people. And that's what makes me hate it. I have been on my own for so long I forget to remind myself that I made it this long. \n",
      "\n",
      "It's human nature to compete, we were born to survive. It started with the monkeys and we pushed to look better, walk straighter. We evolved and became human. \n",
      "\n",
      "I feel sad. I am sitting here before my exam and I feel sad. I know life is about living on your own but for some reason I feel like I need someone to call me and ask me how I am doing. To remind me I am enough and that I am a vital part of their life. I guess all I want is to be wanted. \n",
      "\n",
      "just a little bit of poems and prose-- you could also call them epiphanies. \n",
      "(everything here is original work unless explicitly stated otherwise). \n",
      "More aesthetic Instagram: meghagoel9704\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      ".1-- poetry in motion \n",
      "\n",
      "I wrote this after a certain blowout with people and a day full of missed buses and trains. #poetry #poet \n",
      "\n",
      "Everyday this past week I haven't gotten to bed before the sun rose. I have watched the first few days of sun hit the ground, I have watched the deep ink blue skies turn cerulean. I have watched the quiet streets of 4am turn into the scurrying and honking mess of 8am, I have watched the night wane as the moon comes into full view and disappears with the brightness of day. \n",
      "\n",
      "It's not just that I am nocturnal, I have raged against the dying of the light. \n",
      "\n",
      "This past week has been horrible around the world. From the shooting in Orlando to the mass execution in Cameroon to the shootings in Syria and Iraq. There is so much violence in the world-- terrorism happens everyday. It's been a tough week, actually a tough year for humans or maybe a tough few years with no end in sight. How long will terrorism go on? How long will humans keep repeating the same mistakes? All we can do is hope that it changes one day, there is a little more peace in the world. \n",
      "Ps: for your sanity, don't google 'list of terrorist incidents this year'.\n",
      "\n",
      "we talked about shoulders—\n",
      "how the perfect girl felt unconscious \n",
      "how the internet had never seen this much skin because of consciousness\n",
      "because our society told girls to hide our shoulders\n",
      "because bare shoulders were a sign of sexuality— \n",
      "but baby come kiss me because fuck society \n",
      "\n",
      "When i started college as an international student 4 years ago, college to me was the place where we found our passions. But no one tells you that going to a public school meant applying to your major. I hated science with a passion until I came to the UW and found Home at the iSchool. My love for technology and writing came together in a beautiful way that is human computer interaction and at the core of it was my most important passion—humanity. Through these 4 years I have fallen one too many times but after every time I had stood back up taller than ever. Today I am terrified of what the future holds but I am also so so excited to see everything that is coming my way. \n",
      "\n",
      "To say that the past 4 years have been a constant state of anxiety and unrest would be an understatement because sometimes it was much worse. It was also the best time of my life and if I had to do it again, I probably would. And look at me with my 2 tassels on my cap. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I lay myself out like a doormat expecting people to treat me the way I treat them. It’s absolutely horrible but what do I keep expecting? \n",
      "\n",
      "Ready for some loud music \n",
      "Lets converse like this \n",
      "\n",
      "I am so embarrassed I am hiding my face\n",
      "Tell me when this all is over \n",
      "\n",
      "If I am at this level no one can see me \n",
      "\n",
      "Don't worry I will sit properly as I don't want u to suffer alone \n",
      "\n",
      "Last thing, if we sit in the car and eat then he will play loud music and pretty much every one can here it.\n",
      "\n",
      "Death\n",
      "Seems so appealing. Everything seems better when you’re dead. You’re remembered for the good. Hell even serial killers are remembered and pulled apart for a trace of goodness.\n",
      "But being alive is so difficult. Why should you live? To cause more pain? To cause small pain everyday? Why not just take the deep dive and just cause one big pain. It’ll heal.\n",
      "\n",
      "Someone once told me I had this idea of me but I never worked towards it. It stung because deep down she was right. I sit afar and re-think my actions, make myself a version of the story which would be better. Which would align to the person I want to be. Yet when I am out in a situation, I run away from discomfort and vulnerability. \n",
      "\n",
      "By the water and in the forests, as we went whizzing down a windy road, after 8 miles of hikes and 24 hours of memories in hand, I felt a sense of calmness. We all lived in the same moment, listening to the Good Vibes Spotify playlist, our hearts beat separately but our minds were one. Cutoff from the world, but knowing we returned to it refreshed. For once it wasn’t a moment where I didn’t want to end, instead, I knew if it ended it just brought with it the immense possibility of a similar future adventure. That excitement pushed me forward. \n",
      "\n",
      "So untouched we say looking at the Pacific Northwest Beauty. Off-roading And well trodden trails, we see stumps fallen over and moss grown on them. And then we encounter the stumps that are too flat and the only reason for them was so you could walk there. But there they stand as broken reminders that you are entering their land — some sad and thin leaning over other thicker stumps, trees with rings you can’t count because you’re too stupid for that. They are a reminder, some sad some rude awakenings that they were here first and they will be here after you, that you will move onto see it’s cousins and to bid them farewell, that you are a visitor in the land where they stood proud and tall, where they lay their seed and will give birth to future trees. \n",
      "\n",
      "The clouds skirted above the water, wafting into the trees and \n",
      "\n",
      "Do you ever just get so in your head about your friends and the people that are here and the people that have left, the jobs you have to do and the jobs you don’t have it, the sheer intensity of nature and walking around like a mad person through the thick forest. I had one of those today. 0.25 miles into a hike, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, my heart constricted, and I felt like I was going to die, and then I started thinking about how it’s the end of July, and I don’t really have a job and I don’t know what I am doing honestly. This week has been such a shitshow with me barely working on anything and it was bad. \n",
      "\n",
      "Moments that put a smile on our face\n",
      "Life can get so noisy sometimes - the deadlines, the onslaught of meetings. Scheduling meetups and staying in touch. Sometimes, regardless of how great things are going, it gets messy and loud. But in between all of that we get caught up in our monotony, we forget to find color, we forget to smile with our hearts.\n",
      "This past year taught me about trusting myself.\n",
      "Recently, I go to bed thinking of one picture, of one moment that put a smile on my face - may that have been a conversation with a barista who's name I never bothered to know, a silly afternoon sitting in an overpriced cafe, waking up on a flight in the midst of a beautiful sunrise, sitting by the ocean watching a mesmirizing sunset. Or most of all, times with my friends. Thinking back I am washed over with a wave of calmness. I am transported to the place I was in, to the way it felt, tasted, sounded, smelt. I can hear the waves crashing, the laughter of people, the blaring music. I can taste the burnt coffee. I can feel the unconscious smile that has resided over my face.\n",
      "And I feel complete. I feel invincible. And I feel thankful. Thankful for the happiness in the world, happiness in my life. It makes me yearn for more moments like those. And I want to be more present, more aware of those moments. I want to take the time to savour those moments in the future. Because they come and go too fast. And then you're left again in a dark room, typing on your laptop years later.\n",
      "Thinking back to those moments gives me a sense of calm. I know I can never go back and I know I can never recreate that moment. I know I am looking at some of them with rose-tinted glasses, zooming into that one fleeting minute of pure ecstasy. But sometimes, playing and replaying that on loop gets you through life. I feel like that's what I have been doing.\n",
      "I often feel like such a failure, I feel so sad. I feel defeated. But its these moments, these airy breezy happiness filled moments that lift my spirits.\n",
      "I hope to make more of these this year.\n",
      "\n",
      "I press my hand on my thighs and there it is, the bulging masses, the ones that make others stare--\n",
      "Or not stare. The ones that attract the snide comments and the ones that I have grown to hate. \n",
      "\n",
      "Sometimes I read something so fantastical that I buy into it. But then I am cruelly reminded of the shit times. If the gods we say existed, why did colonialization happen? Why were south asians\n",
      "\n",
      "But speaking of, I have been considering something and I need a perspective and who better than you honestly. I talked to maa about it but I haven’t really talked to papa in depth plus he isn’t really the type to talk things out, but I was wondering if I could get some advice from you — my friend is moving to New York and she asked if I wanted to move with her and I kinda wanna do it. \n",
      "I know big mood and woah but, Here’s the situation, I don’t have a job in Seattle, I don’t have a job in New York. Cost of living will be more in New York, I am aware but I can make it work. New York does have a high supply as compared to demand of jobs which may be a problem, but Seattle hasn’t proven any better. Either way, I’ll have to leave the country in October if I don’t find a job anyway, so really what’s stopping me? \n",
      "\n",
      "What’s really stopping me? I love Seattle and my friends and my life but as far as job market goes New York has everything And I know that the supply is so much more in New York and that’s going to be tough but honestly for tech stuff Seattle is no easy place either. But either way putting all of that apart, and considering that cost of living will be more expensive in nyc than Seattle, is it stupid to just uproot your life and move to this place that I have wanted to live in for so long. I don’t know if that makes sense but I just think I need a new adventure and nyc def is one. I have been talking to people and while they agree some have said taking a few years and working on saving up and then transferring Might be good, might be safer but what if \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Chennai\n",
      "\t•\tI used to be so unafraid. As I watched the water crash on the ocean - watching a wave form and crash, gather itself before it collapses is such a simple beauty\n",
      "\t•\tUsed to be unafraid in the water and now all I can think about is standing too far in, being consumed by the water\n",
      "\n",
      "I see the tears in my dad’s eyes. The pace of our housekeeper slow down. I’ve written about trauma and pain for years but I never knew where it came from. It came from years of watching my dad getting angry. My dad get stabbed in the back from close friends and worst of all his family. From my dad letting my mom down. From my mom’s expectations of me. From my mom’s quietness. From my mom’s self doubt.\n",
      "I grew up like that. Hour after hour, fight after fight, being called worthless and useless by the hour. I don’t know how much of a trauma it left on my mum but i see it in her eyes.\n",
      "God, I miss being a child. Miss being able to forget about it and live in my own dreamland.\n",
      "Being away and home now after years is different. I get to see the permanent scars left on my mom’s psyche, the hurt in her eyes, the self hate. I see pain my dad’s hiding, the anger he harbors at himself, lashing out in different ways. The expectations he carries and the big dreams and hopes.\n",
      "My parents are dreamers so of course I am one too. A dreamer expected to not cry. A dreamer expected to hold it together. To be put together.\n",
      "\n",
      "It was a story of the people The people that set at tables with no conversation The people who ate in silence and spoke different languages The people who worked on their laptop in a place that was too fancy for work The people who laughed while they ate, food being an after thought The people who sat across from each other with nothing to say , The people who sat next to each other with nothing to say, That lonely girl with her laptop and a coffee, Me with my food, people watching That table with the loud noises who couldn’t stop talking, The cheerful laughter of people floating across the room\n",
      "\n",
      "First, I want to apologize to my friends int he room, the people in this room that know me in some capacity or form. I am sorry for the times I have seemed cold and disinterested, I am sorry for being overeager, I am sorry if I was ever toxic to you. I am sorry for pushing my sadness onto you. But most of all, I am sorry for the times when I wasn’t honest with you.\n",
      "You see, I don’t understand myself sometimes. I have lied to myself and sometimes I need to make up stories in my head to just get out of bed and get going. I don’t know what to say to you because I am too in my head. I am looking for a thought. In those quiet times, when you’ve felt like there is nothing to talk about, I am sorry for being disengaged because my brain won’t shut up. Its not making any sense really, its just empty, hollow and a voice echoes in that emptiness — a voice telling me i am not enough. I am not worthy.\n",
      "If you ask me to tell you about the last time I was happy, I can pull up a memory from last weekend when I saw my friends at a bar and we drank. But I went home that night and cried my eyes out. I don’t know why I was crying and I’d be lying if I said that was the first time that week when I had cried myself to sleep. For the past 2 years, that has been far too much of a common occurrence.\n",
      "People constantly ask how I am doing. I smile, say I’m good, and genuinely have nothing else to say. I smile but i don’t feel the smile. Do you know what I mean by that? a smile that extends and you can feel it in your heart?\n",
      "So we were just on spring break and I went to Puerto Vallarta with my best friend, then a Californian road trip with my high school best friend, and then visited my other best friend in San Diego. It sounds perfect. I cam back home that saturday evening, made myself dinner, got into bed, and cried. I didn’t feel anything, i felt hollow but I knew I was crying because of the wet tears rolling down my face. There was a nagging voice in my head — go to that damn party, go see people, you’re running out of time. But all I could do was lay there, unable to move, and the dark thoughts just kept coming.\n",
      "Have you ever picked up a knife to cut an apple but thought how it would feel on your skin instead? Have you ever thought what would happen if you just put it right through you? Stabbed your stomach? Would it pain? Would I bleed out in seconds? I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of living. I am afraid of putting myself up here and talking about this and I am afraid of what will happen when I wake up tomorrow. I am afraid of the pitiness and the tears and the smiles. People ask me why I don’t put myself out there more. Why I like to play it safe and just do what I am doing. Its so that I can stay a little sane. Going about what may be a normal day for you is extraordinary for me sometimes.\n",
      "My friends really are the best. Some I have met in the last 6 months thanks to the wonderful house I am living in, and some I have known since my first day here. I have lost some and I have gained some invaluable ones. But anyone that I dare to call my best friend has helped me get here today. I never talk about this. I really don’t know how too. I don’t know how to pick up a phone and say ‘I feel like killing myself, can you come over please.’ But I know I can and I promise that is enough for me. I am sorry if I am not vulnerable enough but please know each and every one of you matter so much to me and I love you all. I don’t say that lightly, ‘love,’ I truly do mean it. I wouldn’t be here without the glimpses of happiness you all bring to my life.\n",
      "\n",
      "Grandparent visit musings\n",
      "\t•\tIs the inflation of 125x the reason why Dadi has lost vision of what is enough? No idea or in touch with the reality? Things compounded so much - is it the idea that we had loss?\n",
      "\t•\tWhat am I meant to answer when she asks “how much is enough to be satisfied?” What am I meant to answer when all I want to do is say you’re going to live another 20 years at the most - this is not going to matter anymore after that.\n",
      "\t•\tThe earliest memory my dadu has is from 1940 at the age of 3. Imagine if someone chronicled his life - what would it be? Everyone should journal.\n",
      "\t•\tI think we can all choose to be happy at some point after we’ve recognized, after we’ve put in the work to be better. And I will. I hope to be more positive and content going forward. I choose to be happy and think about what is going well in the world. Because too much goes wrong.\n",
      "\n",
      "love is the smell of freshly brewed coffee\n",
      "airplanes and the excitement of new adventures\n",
      "\n",
      "You know what I have realized with social media? It's all consuming, it's the best reason to avoid thinking. \n",
      "\n",
      "baby tell me all about you Quickly We’re not getting any younger and I don’t want to waste any time in falling in love with you\n",
      "\n",
      "It’s my funny life.\n",
      "I can feel so happy and fulfilled one day but there is nagging feeling that this isn’t happiness. That this isn’t life. It’s an illusion of it. And then the next day the cracks begin to appear. What do you do with those moments? Cherish them? Hold them close to you so you can look back at them in nostalgia? Or look through rose tinted glasses to scrutinize the facade created?\n",
      "It’s a funny life.\n",
      "How my dad, injured by his own wounds, reacts the way he does. The way his temper shoots off the roof and ricochets around him. The way his eyes fight off the hurt he is feeling as he tries to stand up for himself. How much has he been through? I get it, I do. I want to hold him tight and tell him we’re not fighting with him. That we’ll stand by him no matter what. But he makes it so difficult to love him. He makes it so difficult to watch my mom shrivel up.\n",
      "It’s a funny life.\n",
      "Watching my mom be strong and laughing one day. And then watch her become a shell of a human the next. To know that for days to come she will hurt herself by telling herself things that aren’t true — fallacies of self hate. To know that for the next few days she will know when I carefully watch her but won’t be able to look me straight in the eye. To have her come to me and apologize.\n",
      "It’s a funny life.\n",
      "How I tried to run away from this. To not live this and think this for years. And then only to be jolted back in it.\n",
      "Why do I sympathize with people that hurt me? Is it because my mom taught me that? To tolerate my father even after he hurts her, hurts me? Is it because we're taught tolerance is what holds a family together?\n",
      "\n",
      "Family\n",
      "How is it that humans have evolved with the one aim of procreating? Were kids the accident nobody signed up for. I remember the day my mom told me I was an accident. A happy accident but an accident nevertheless.\n",
      "Family yells, backstabs, betrays. I've seen through it all. And when I think I havent seen something, I see it. Its quite astounding how family is the one gift that keeps on giving.\n",
      "But being a parent — how is that something that people actually want to be? I remember the day my mom told me I was an accident. I also remember the day she told me that I was the best thing to happen to her (well one of them) and when I did happen, I gave her immense peace and joy.\n",
      "Our family makes us. Literally makes us — our scars, bones, the way we view the world. And yet, in today's world, you can't talk about them. \"Everyone has family/daddy/mommy issues\" \"Everyone has a crazy aunt or uncle\" \"Everyone has cousins that they love and cousins that they hate\" \"Everyone has grandparents with unrealistic expectations\"\n",
      "Well ok. Everyone does. But how come not everyone has the scars I do? If everyone has it, how does it affect me so much more than the other person?\n",
      "I am so tired of keeping this family together. Holding it together with sweat and tears that I have forgotten how to hold myself together.\n",
      "This isn't how life is supposed to be. is it? If it is, then why do we continue to be pro-life and bring more people into this disaster? Why do we keep fighting?\n",
      "\n",
      "I deal with self diagnosed social anxiety. I say self diagnosed because I have never actually seen a doctor for it. \n",
      "But what do you call being rooted to the ground in public, what do you call being unable to say something in public, of being scared of being judged, of not being able to move infront of people. Its anxiety and especially under social scenarios. \n",
      "\n",
      "I know 3 languages, and I am learning a fourth. I understand an additional 2 more. At my internship people spoke in hindi and while i understand fluent hindi, I speak hindi at home, I can’t speak it in social situations. I understand that we should push ourselves to do things we aren’t comfortable with. But language is what you can use to portray your confidence. It is the tool to fool everyone around you. And no matter what, every time I have to speak in hindi in public, I can feel the bile rising in my throat. And so, I don’t. I listen to people in Hindi, let them assume I am an entitled prick, and yet reply in cool collected english without stumbling or feeling anxious. Because language helps me identify with my thoughts, it gives me the power I know I have. But it doesn’t make me any less Indian \n",
      "\n",
      "It goes well until it doesn't--\n",
      "\n",
      "I want someone to look at me the way random people look at you, \n",
      "The brightness in their face when they are graced with your presence-- \n",
      "That happiness, I want it. \n",
      "\n",
      "I don't want you, I want your personality, \n",
      "I want the carefree poise you pretend to have, \n",
      "I want to be the reason for someone to smile  \n",
      "\n",
      "Running away from responsibilities \n",
      "Is a term that is thrown around way too often. \n",
      "\n",
      "But that is my very basic instinct, \n",
      "Give me a stressful day and you'll see me running away from the skyline, \n",
      "Weekends I get I prefer making trips, \n",
      "I run away from everything that makes young basic life.  \n",
      "\n",
      "sitting in a dark room at 2:42 in the morning, some things are very clear to me: \n",
      "1. I run away from situations far too easily\n",
      "2. I need people’s approval when deep down I know I am the only person who is going to be living this life\n",
      "3. I need to do something about the life I want otherwise what happened with colleges is going to happen to me. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "we spend years hiding \n",
      "our bodies in clothes, \n",
      "our thoughts in candy-dipped words\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I knew it was getting colder but i was in denial and then i saw the mountain that looms over us and i could see the fresh snow it had accumulated over the days it hid from us and there was no denying anymore as it stood tall and proud yet shyly peeking through the wispy clouds and the sun glistened its slopes.\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Every Friday brings with it corporate happy hours and people rushing to get the train out of the city, rooftop gatherings and the beginnings of drunken adventures that might eventually turn into drunken Saturday’s, Saturday’s full of promise and adventure and excitement rolls into Saturday nights as the friend who pulls you out promises it can be missed. And so, you go, to come back at 4 am and wake up to a lazy Sunday. And for a few hours, the city dissipates some of its excitement. People recheck themselves, run their errands, pop a few Advil, and prep themselves for a night of relaxing. And as Sunday night looms around, friends gather for dinner and couples go on romantic walks, individuals take baths and roommates unwind. They’re building up energy, the cabs start speeding back up.\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "The article talks about something I like to term \"white privilege\". White privilege doesn't only reflect skin color but the way a person was brought up. I was born and brought up in India yet I was fully aware of what happened on this side of the world, the music and clothes I hear or wore were a replica to that of a person living in the United States. Although not everyone in India lives the same life, I was amongst the few in this country to have the privilege. Thinking this, I thought my move to America for college would be flawless. After all, I knew the culture and what was that thing that people kept saying? Oh yes, the amount of Asians and Indians that dominated the country. \n",
      "\n",
      "In a school as diverse as the University of Washington, I still found an unbelievable amount of segregation. Friendships seemed to be forged on your appearance and skin color. And the worst was when I went to the counseling center after a tough winter quarter, only for a counselor to blatantly point out my skin tone and call Indians snake charmers—something I had thought was an ideological myth and not an actual belief held by people. \n",
      "\n",
      "It's like something died within me. I am not sure if it hasn't hit me yet or if I am avoiding it or if I am actually truly numb. I don't know why I have to go back to school. I want to but at the same time don't want to. I don't want to have to deal with my future and people and figure this out. God, the people! I am not ready for this. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "And there is the sadness, indian artist portraits, have such beautiful work. The thing commended is the object not the artist. It’s like saying Mona Lisa is everything and forgetting who created the masterful piece. \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Tomorrow is my birthday\n",
      "Tomorrow is my birthday.\n",
      "I don’t like my birthday very much. It’s always something that has made me sad.\n",
      "We celebrate a day of our lovely possessions. What we own, what we got, who we have in our life, our friends, the gifts they’ve given us.\n",
      "It’s the one day you can flaunt about everything good in the world. Then why is it that every time my birthday comes around I think of everything I don’t have. Of every way that my life is going wrong? Why is it that I become horribly depressed and feel unloved? Even when I am in my parents’ home. Even when they do the things like cakes and such.\n",
      "Why is a day that is meant to be about me not really about me at all? Why is it about the people that have wished me and the people that have come into my life and the things they’ve got me and the grand gestures they’ve done. Why can’t I just curl up with a book and be left alone?\n",
      "Why do I always feel worthless on my birthday?\n",
      "Lately my birthday is a reminder that the day of my birth is not a day of happiness for me but a day of my happiness for my parents — their first born made it to 23.\n",
      "I however feel horrible. And I can’t even cry.\n",
      "Maybe that’s why I cried so much last year. Because I want to cry every year. But I am always around people that make it difficult to cry. And last year, well last year I wasn’t.\n",
      "\n",
      "Self-preservation\n",
      "Something can be said to my self-preservation tactics. I shut down, not think about it, think about everything else but the thing I should probably be thinking about it. Is this everyone's defense mechanism? And if so, is it really healthy to live with this much pent-up regret, anxiety, and constant need for analysis?\n",
      "Every time something bad happens, I stop talking, I stop thinking. And then I put up a smile but my brain is shut. I think I learnt this form my mom. I have done it so much over the years its just something my body does on its own. And now, I recognize my mom doing it. Maybe I did learn this from her. Maybe my eyes aren't as vacant as hers yet but no doubt, it will get there.\n",
      "Its not depression or sadness or want is difficult for me to define. Getting out of it, and talking about it is what's difficult. How am I meant to tell my parents that have provided me with everything that I am not happy? That I am up at odd hours, thinking of the best way to die? How do I answer the question of \"what do you not have figured out\" without saying everything and running into a wall?\n",
      "Its true, there are good things. And i wish I could just count those good things. But its the bad things, the difficult things that haunt me everyday. Every night. I lay in bed with my eyes closed, feeling alone, and with my thoughts, they all come back. The heartbreak, the wells of tears, the fears. I don't know how to move past it. I've tried. I've tried to talk to myself rationally and tried to think it through. But my self-preservation tactic kicks in on its own, and it screams. And I shut down. Its all dark.\n",
      "What I've not figured out — is me. I thought I would be happy when I was 23. I thought I wouldn't have my dark demon. I thought I would smile and laugh and be light and carefree. That's what I haven't figured out. That's the part I can't seem to figure out — me. And me wanting to breathe, me wanting to get up in the morning. When I was 17, I didn't think I would make it to 23. But if I did make it to 23, I thought of myself having left behind all of this.\n",
      "I think voicing this, telling someone this will help me. I know it will. But I am scared. I don't know for what but I am scared. And then another voice in me tells me that I know what others will say. I know exactly what advice they will give me — to fucking shut up and deal with it and move on. So what's the point. But really, how do you tell someone this? I can't even fathom sitting down and having this conversation with someone. Not my parents, not my sister, not my family. My friends love me but I just don't want to burden them with this. And that brings up the whole childhood, trust issues, trauma. The idea that people are there in good times, but not the bad.\n",
      "Good times and not the bad — that's another idea where my self-preervation instincts kick in. People always said it matters that people stand by you in your bad times, not the good. But then I had people leave in my bad times. When I told them of my needs and wasn't able to hold only theirs, they stopped being my friend. And it happened, over and over again. Until I became desensititzed. I dealt with it and realized if I can't have them stand by me in bad times, at least they will stand be me in good times. And then comes around my birthday, and no one remembers. and there we go with that theory. People don't stand with you in good times either. At the end of the day, you really are a fucking lonely mess that you have to deal with, no one else. And so my preservation instincts kick in and I try my damned hardest to not shut down but it happens. And when it can't happen, I snap.\n",
      "How do you tell someone you love this? Someone that gave birth to you? Someone you love? I don't have that much courage. I know this knowledge will break their heart, they will look at me differently. And so, I don't tell them. I don't tell anyone. I live with it. I pick myself apart and glue myself together. I think about how I did it now and I will do it again. And then one day I wake up and its alright, I am not going to break, and then the next comes and I feel steady ground and I can prepare for lift off. And I fill like a hot air balloon and slowly rise, taking in the scenes. And then one stupid bird with a sharp beak comes and punctures a tiny bubble, and its off to my death I go. I crash faster than I rose and I break apart into more pieces than last time. And the whole cycle begins again. I put myself together, glue it piee by piece. Again and again and again. But now, I odn't know how much longer I cna go with this. I can feel the small fine dust is lost and I can see the cracks. I can see the balloon is unpatchable because its so distorted. And I am worried one day I will blow and I will be irreparable. I worry about that day.\n",
      "Yet, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help or ask for help. I wish I was taught how to ask for help.\n",
      "Maybe this is why A Little Life impacted me the way it did. This concept of hidden suffering, the idea that no matter what, how much you might want to trust someone, you can't. The idea that you can't burden someone else with your burden. The concept of being one perosn on the outside without ever truly showing just how broken you are on the inside is one I've struggled with for most of my conscious adult life. At least from the age of 12. and now, I don't know another way.\n",
      "\n",
      "Times Square is never dark, which is crazy. It’s so shocking. Could be a metaphor for how life always has something to give. Constantly trying to look up even when it may seem too dark.\n",
      "\n",
      "wow The setting: Rockefeller center somewhere in the back, Empire State Building in the front with the lights going off, and to the left, hidden by the trees the Chrysler building, right by the fountain. People are here with friends and only one person. G themselves. It’s truly something. Just take a minute and look up, look how the lights shine for you. This is the o oh slciyh in the world (& maybe Dubai? & maybe Paris, & maybe London) where the lights on all night shouldn’t be a crime. Everywhere else, it’s a crime. I love this city. This, This freedom of walking in a city at 10pm is what I am going to miss. Everything else I can get in Bangalore and more. But this, this feeling I log walking aimlessly until I figure it out is what I am going to miss. The constant activity brings you safety. I don’t even know what else to say but it’s this absolute utter beautiful feeling of freedom that I absolutely love and am going to miss.\n",
      "\n",
      "I strongly believe their somethings that you have to learn outside of class. While in London I took part in multiple societies and clams while I was studying English literature. I was part of creative pro bono agency as well as a Tech society. I went to multiple hackathons both on campus and off-campus hoping to gain as much information as possible. Over the summer while working with Vernacular.AI not only did I work with use experience and data I also worked with the CTO in learning the basic architecture of How Machine learning works and the architecture of their software working in the small team. Working in the small team really helped build my perspective alongside that I worked on multiple freelancing projects over the summer and then personally the next step. I wish to play the Google because in my opinion the next step I need is a structured guidance that but only a big company can provide in particular. Most importantly I want to be able to work under a team of advisors to tell me how I can approach things differently I am. I have always been very learning individual and I believe working with professionals in creating something bigger but I had to word a bigger project is the ultimate next step for my future. Will put me a part. What puts me apart from other individuals is my drive and passion for attack. Combined with the articulate knowledge of understanding and overthinking that an English degree provides. While at college I have continued to take web design courses and you Xclusive as pie as part of my informatics my alarm I hope in the next coming year I hope to convert convert my minor into a major.\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "How far will you go before you break? Before it’s too much? How unsettled do you need to be?\n",
      "We define ourselves and our experiences based on others - perceptions and thoughts and feelings. Precedence.\n",
      "How many times will you go to the edge and retreat? How far in will you retreat?\n",
      "This time you have to go into your cave, you have to retreat, and this time you have to jump off the edge. You have to take your risk and put in the time and energy to mould that Diamond. Because if not now then when?\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I sat there listening to her talk and I had no idea what was running through her mind but as she talked about her broken pieces,6 I felt it deep within me. My experiences were completely different from hers but there was something in her pain that I felt. Something about the way she described about her broken pieces, her immovability, her lack of self esteem and personal confidence. I felt her pain like I felt mine. Talking to her and watching her in that state reminded me of the pain I was in about 2 years ago. Here I was, talking to someone twice my age about abuse and while hers was physical in a relationship, I understood her because I was in friendships that were abusive. Friendships that broke down my self esteem with every passing year. I felt her broken pieces and her loneliness. Her pain is very different from mine, very emotionally draining from mine. But the effect—the effect was intersectional. The pain and feelings we feel are one and the same, because that’s what depression does to you. \n",
      "\n",
      "He was the kindest person I knew. Thinking about forgiveness makes me think of him. It’s funny,though, how we think about people after their passing. How a sadness brings people together. It wasn’t that I didn’t think of him when he was alive, rather it was the fact that I took it for granted. I took life for granted. But I swear, this thing is far too short and far too cruel. It comes to the people who deserve it the least and who probably want it the least too. It’s almost his birthday and I can’t stop thinking about it. My nana was the nicest person ever & I want to be just a little nice as him. Without me knowing it, he taught me the importance of forgiveness & the importance of self-worth.\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "It’s a cold winters day\n",
      "And the sun plays with the clouds—\n",
      "Dancing and skirting leaving glimpses of sun\n",
      "In places too far away. \n",
      "\n",
      "I walk along the coast, \n",
      "Watching the water splash on the rocks \n",
      "And recede;\n",
      "Splash and recede. \n",
      "\n",
      "I watch the water trickle\n",
      "In between the stones. \n",
      "The clear water skirting \n",
      "Glimpses of the seabed with every splash. \n",
      "\n",
      "I follow the coast line \n",
      "As far as I can—\n",
      "And just as I watch a ray of sun \n",
      "Hit the rocks a little way away—\n",
      "I see the warm golden hue spread like warmth. \n",
      "I feel the warmth, \n",
      "Trickling in me much like water \n",
      "trickles between stones\n",
      "I feel the hush of comfort and safety\n",
      "The golden warm hue\n",
      "Even in the face of blistering cold winds. \n",
      "\n",
      "Loss\n",
      "Its so weird experiencing loss because you don’t know if this is how you actually feel about the person if you’re fantasizing and making them to be larger than they actually are.\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "The city never really does sleep. With the reflection of city lights on the sky, \n",
      "It lights the sky in a cool pink. \n",
      "Never really sleeping \n",
      "A constant state of light reminding you \n",
      "That day isn’t over \n",
      "And so the days flow one into the other \n",
      "\n",
      "We are a piece of history \n",
      "Slotting into the world like little pieces of a puzzle \n",
      "Forgetting what has come before us. \n",
      "\n",
      "Even today we talk about the breaking \n",
      "The change in weather, geography\n",
      "Imagine when the lands were shifting \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "In the distance\n",
      "I saw the buildings light up—golden\n",
      "I walked under the grey skies\n",
      "But somehow the sun parted\n",
      "Somewhere in the distance \n",
      "Shining those few rays\n",
      "On the buildings\n",
      "In the distance\n",
      "They lit up—\n",
      "Golden. \n",
      "\n",
      "I think sometimes we think we can sit down and just figure everything out and that it all has to line up and it’s going to be ok. But it’s not how it works. It takes time and effort and energy to build yourself up. It takes an approach of recognizing your vices and constantly working on ourselves. We are a more conscious generation and I think that’s because of the amount of time we spend working on ourselves, to better ourselves.\n",
      "I think we try to find a reason for why we’re broken and we try to blame specific instances in our life for them. Sometimes it’s nothing but other times it’s everything. How do you reconcile with who you are and who you are becoming?\n",
      "My mom is going through perimenopause which makes her anger absolutely horrible. Mix that with her sadness and it’s kind of unbearable to be around her. But one of the things I’ve found myself saying is ‘calm down,’ ‘keep yourself calm,’ ‘control yourself.’ It’s that last one that really makes me think — ‘control yourself’ woman — a jibe hundreds and thousands of men have used towards women to make them feel inferior and less. Is it fair for one woman to use towards another woman?\n",
      "There is a rawness to vulnerability that I haven’t been able to come to terms with. How do you keep pushing yourself and your self worth when you are so confused and overwhelmed? Isn’t it time to ask myself what I want? What I truly want? Am I wasting time?\n",
      "That question — am I wasting time? — has been replaying in my head for the past 6 months. I keep seeing people get amazing jobs and positions out of college. I keep seeing people party and have fun. And in all honesty, it’s hitting me hard. I didn’t want that life right now but is this the life I wanted? Sitting in my bed all day, not working on anything? Where is my ambition? I am broken and I feel even more broken when I see this. When will I stop measuring myself to others in the world and just focus on me — focus on what I want — on where I want to be? Isn’t this the time to do that?\n",
      "Trauma: How do you recognize your own trauma? Is it when you take a step back and then come back to the thick of it?\n",
      "I have seen people scream and shout at each other for years. There is no unity and how do yo7 get to an answer? How do you speak for someone else when you can’t even speak for yourself?\n",
      "Being back in Bangalore has been very interesting for me. I knew I never fit in in high school, but I kept telling myself stories and others how close I was to some people so that I could make it up. Honestly, I am tired of it. I am tired of lying to myself and others around me. I don’t like some people and they don’t like me. But honestly, I never put in the effort it needed.\n",
      "So, I’ve been sitting here worrying about what I am going to do on New Years because no 22 year old should spend it at home. I should go out and see my friends and drink with them and enjoy and live my best life. Right? That’s what’s tradition demands. That’s what’s expected. When people ask me what I did, I have to tell them I got all dressed up and went to a party with my high school friends and had fun. Because that’s what happens, isn’t it? But it isn’t what I want to do. I am sitting here and constantly thinking and stressing about it, because I don’t want to be that “loser” but honestly I don’t want to go drink with random people. I think I want to be invited to it more than I want to go to it. But what’s new? That’s how I have lived most of my life. In this halfway place between dreams and consciousness.\n",
      "I am able to stand here today and I know that there is something wrong with me. I know that but I don’t know how to help myself. I am still terrified to face my demons.\n",
      "The following are pieces from my journal from July 2022 to present about quality of living.\n",
      "\n",
      "The narratives that we tell ourselves in exchange for the fear of living life and feeling emotions. \n",
      "All I've ever wanted is a community of people that support and love my endeavors. \n",
      "I am so caught up in things of elsewhere - the past, another place, another time, another scenario that I forget to exist in the now, the present. \n",
      "I don't have people around me who have the mindset that I am in currently - need to find that. \n",
      "My room is still a heaping blazing disaster zone. \n",
      "The simple pleasures are the little: subway rides late at night with friends, musicians on the subway, watching the sun set. \n",
      "Finally I am in a position where I can say I love and believe in myself. \n",
      "Not showing up. Isn't friendship about showing up? About putting aside this anxiety? I am in a rut and I can never get out of it. I feel like I am choosing myself but I'm hiding. Isn't it courage to go? To show? To risk? Isn't that what life is -- the people you meet and the stories you accumulate?\n",
      "I've wanted to die for so long that I'm glad to live today. To know that I've made it to an age I didn't think I would, to acknowledge the greed and pain and sadness that I had in life. That it wasn't a part of my imagination. To have the knowledge that I will experience all of it again maybe worse but I will have more control.\n",
      "I am filled with love and gratitude and greatness today. I feel invincible. \n",
      "I don't know where my time and energy has gone. \n",
      "I've been leading unto this moment of release. \n",
      "I don't know what I've been feeling. I feel restless. I feel anxious. I feel - expectant. \n",
      "In the winter, when the snow falls quickly, for a second when the weather turns, it does something where we can't see far from our window. We can imagine that we aren't where we are. Maybe the city isn't the city and the building my window is facing is actually a mountain, a bit farther than it appears, each with its own cottage, neatly stacked. \n",
      "I was shook because I was giving the impression that I had no family trauma. How is it so easy for someone to diminish another's trauma? I don't talk about the trauma because I don't see the point in talking about it. It's easier to talk about the good things because the bad is horrible.\n",
      "Looking at photos of myself as a child I am always struck by how I used to smile. But in some photos, I look at them and am transported back to how I was feeling. Was it then - when I was 7 - that I stopped being happy? The expression in this undiscovered photo says it all. \n",
      "Am I just incapable of saying no? \n",
      "\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(journal)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 3,
   "id": "a8a971e7",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "{'a': 'अ', 'aa': 'आ', 'i': 'इ', 'ii': 'ई', 'u': 'उ', 'oo': 'ऊ', 'e': 'ए', 'ai': 'ऐ', 'o': 'ओ', 'au': 'औ', 'un': 'अं', 'uh': 'अ:', 'ri': 'ऋ', 'ka': 'क', 'Kha': 'ख', 'Ga': 'ग', 'Gha': 'घ', 'nga': 'ङ', 'cha': 'च', 'chha': 'छ', 'ja': 'ज', 'jha': 'झ', 'nja': 'ञ', 'Ta': 'ट', 'Tha': 'ठ', 'Da': 'ड', 'Dha': 'ढ', 'Na': 'ण', 'ta': 'त', 'tha': 'थ', 'da': 'द', 'dha': 'ध', 'na': 'न', 'pa': 'प', 'pha': 'फ', 'ba': 'ब', 'bha': 'भ', 'ma': 'म', 'ya': 'य', 'ra': 'र', 'la': 'ल', 'wa': 'व', 'sha': 'श', 'shha': 'ष', 'sa': 'स', 'ha': 'ह', 'ksh': 'क्ष', 'tra': 'त्र', 'gya': 'ज्ञ', 'sra': 'श्र'}\n",
      "{'अ': 'a', 'आ': 'aa', 'ए': 'e', 'ई': 'ii', 'ऍ': 'ei', 'ऎ': 'ei', 'ऐ': 'ai', 'इ': 'i', 'ओ': 'o', 'ऑ': 'oi', 'ऒ': 'oii', 'ऊ': 'uu', 'औ': 'ou', 'उ': 'u', 'ब': 'B', 'भ': 'Bha', 'च': 'Ca', 'छ': 'Chha', 'ड': 'Da', 'ढ': 'Dha', 'फ': 'Fa', 'फ़': 'Fi', 'ग': 'Ga', 'घ': 'Gha', 'ग़': 'Ghi', 'ह': 'Ha', 'ज': 'Ja', 'झ': 'Jha', 'क': 'Ka', 'ख': 'Kha', 'ख़': 'Khi', 'ल': 'L', 'ळ': 'Li', 'ऌ': 'Li', 'ऴ': 'Lii', 'ॡ': 'Lii', 'म': 'Ma', 'न': 'Na', 'ङ': 'N’a', 'ञ': 'Nia', 'ण': 'Nae', 'ऩ': 'Ni', 'ॐ': 'oms', 'प': 'Pa', 'क़': 'Qi', 'र': 'Ra', 'ऋ': 'Ri', 'ॠ': 'Ri', 'ऱ': 'Ri', 'स': 'Sa', 'श': 'Sha', 'ष': 'Shha', 'ट': 'Ta', 'त': 'T’a', 'ठ': 'Tha', 'द': 'Tha', 'थ': 'T’ha', 'ध': 'Thha', 'ड़': 'ugDha', 'ढ़': 'ugDhha', 'व': 'Va', 'य': 'Ya', 'य़': 'Yi', 'ज़': 'Za'}\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "hindi_alphabet = {}\n",
    "for i in range(len(hindi_alph)):\n",
    "    s = hindi_alph[i].split('\\t')\n",
    "    hindi_alphabet[s[1]] = s[0]\n",
    "print(hindi_alphabet)\n",
    "\n",
    "hindi_pronounce = {}\n",
    "for i in range(len(hindi_pro)):\n",
    "    s = hindi_pro[i].split('\\t')\n",
    "    hindi_pronounce[s[0]] = s[1]\n",
    "print(hindi_pronounce)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "3cd163c2",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "### Exploration 1: A digital cut-up \n",
    "Let's start simple and go back to the beginning. I am not very good at reading Hindi. I have never had formal education in it. What if we used the phonetic translation of the letters to convert some words to Hindi? I never speak in pure Hindi, its a mix of Hindi and English words. How do I imbibe that? "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "89e505c5",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Changing based on characters. Using the first 10 lines as a random sample of journal data. \n",
    "If character exists in the keys, change it to the value."
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 4,
   "id": "2acb6f5e",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "import random"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 5,
   "id": "56084a7a",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "journal = journal.split('\\n')\n"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 6,
   "id": "c5667b6c",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "You made me want to leave less. \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "currSent = random.choice(journal)\n",
    "print(currSent)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 7,
   "id": "950e994f",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "counter = 0;"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 8,
   "id": "468f6777",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": false
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "ओ \n",
      "ओ n\n",
      "ओ nए \n",
      "ओ nए  \n",
      "ओ nए  d\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f t\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f th\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  b\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  bl\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  y\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  s\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  st\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ p\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ pp\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d r\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए p\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए pl\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए ply\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ n\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng t\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  m\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my t\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my tए \n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my tए x\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my tए xt\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my tए xts\n",
      "ओ nए  dअ y ओ उ t ओ f thए  blउ ए  yओ उ  stओ ppए d rए plyइ ng tओ  my tए xts \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "# for i in range(10):\n",
    "currSent = random.choice(journal).lower()\n",
    "newSent = ''\n",
    "for x in currSent: \n",
    "    if x in hindi_alphabet:\n",
    "        newSent += hindi_alphabet[x]+ ' '\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "        newSent += x \n",
    "    print(newSent)\n",
    "with open('ouput_Hindi_and_English', 'a') as f:\n",
    "    f.write(newSent)\n",
    "    f.write('\\n')"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "caf1b317",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "What happens when I change it for 2 characters at a time? "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 9,
   "id": "794b98e4",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "it\n",
      "itt’\n",
      "itt’’s\n",
      "itt’’ss \n",
      "itt’’ss  a\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa \n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  g\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggr\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrre\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreea\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaat\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt \n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt  t\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt  tth\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt  tthhi\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt  tthhiin\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt  tthhiinng\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt  tthhiinngg.\n",
      "itt’’ss  aa  ggrreeaatt  tthhiinngg.. \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "currSent = random.choice(journal).lower()\n",
    "newSent = ''\n",
    "for i in range(len(currSent) - 1):\n",
    "    se = currSent[i] + currSent[i+1]\n",
    "    if se in hindi_alphabet:\n",
    "        newSent += hindi_alphabet[se]+ ' '\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "        newSent += se \n",
    "    print(newSent)\n",
    "with open('output_TWOCHAR_HI_EN', 'a') as f:\n",
    "    f.write(newSent)\n",
    "    f.write('\\n')"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "9bca86ce",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "it\n",
    "itt \n",
    "itt  p\n",
    "itt  ppr\n",
    "itt  pprro\n",
    "itt  pprroop\n",
    "itt  pprrooppe\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeel\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeells\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss \n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  y\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyo\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoou\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu \n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  i\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iin\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnt\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinntto\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo \n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  d\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  dde\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeep\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeeppr\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprre\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprrees\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprreesss\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprreessssi\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprreessssiio\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprreessssiioon\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprreessssiioonn.\n",
    "itt  pprrooppeellss  yyoouu  iinnttoo  ddeepprreessssiioonn.. "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "18eab105",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "we <br>\n",
    "wee <br>\n",
    "wee  s <br>\n",
    "wee  ssp <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppe <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeen <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeennd <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  y <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yye <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeea <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaar <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrs <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss  h <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss  hhi <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss  hhiid <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss  hhiiddi <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss  hhiiddiin <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss  hhiiddiinng <br>\n",
    "wee  ssppeenndd  yyeeaarrss  hhiiddiinngg"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "62393560",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "the above doesn't account for a space ( ). Accouting for space: "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 12,
   "id": "6f05a522",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "i \n",
      "i  ल \n",
      "i  ल औ \n",
      "i  ल औ ug\n",
      "i  ल औ uggh\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghhe\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheed\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd \n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  in\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  innt\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntte\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteer\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteerrn\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteerrnन \n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteerrnन al\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteerrnन alll\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteerrnन alllly\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteerrnन allllyy.\n",
      "i  ल औ ugghheedd  inntteerrnन allllyy.. \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "currSent = random.choice(journal).lower()\n",
    "newSent = ''\n",
    "for i in range(len(currSent) - 1):\n",
    "    if currSent[i] == ' ':\n",
    "        se = currSent[i]\n",
    "        newSent += se\n",
    "    else:\n",
    "        se = currSent[i] + currSent[i+1]\n",
    "        if se in hindi_alphabet:\n",
    "            newSent += hindi_alphabet[se]+ ' '\n",
    "        else: \n",
    "            newSent += se \n",
    "        print(newSent)\n",
    "    with open('TWOCHAR_HI_EN', 'a') as f:\n",
    "        f.write(newSent)\n",
    "        f.write('\\n')"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "ba0fccda",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "##### visually its so interesting having this slowly build and add the extra letter. What would happen if we reverse engineered it? "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "078b218e",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Hmm... not as interesting. \n",
    "what if I change the letter with the pronounciation change? "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 14,
   "id": "56dc986b",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      ".\n",
      ".e\n",
      ".ee\n",
      ".eef\n",
      ".eeff\n",
      ".eeffi\n",
      ".eeffii\n",
      ".eeffiil\n",
      ".eeffiil \n",
      ".eeffiil  \n",
      ".eeffiil  y\n",
      ".eeffiil  yy\n",
      ".eeffiil  yyn\n",
      ".eeffiil  yynn\n",
      ".eeffiil  yynnn\n",
      ".eeffiil  yynnn \n",
      ".eeffiil  yynnn ं\n",
      ".eeffiil  yynnn ंअ\n"
     ]
    },
    {
     "ename": "KeyError",
     "evalue": "-19",
     "output_type": "error",
     "traceback": [
      "\u001b[0;31m---------------------------------------------------------------------------\u001b[0m",
      "\u001b[0;31mKeyError\u001b[0m                                  Traceback (most recent call last)",
      "\u001b[0;32m/var/folders/2n/_0wc0zb96nlb_gcsfwr89gc00000gn/T/ipykernel_8279/4116079403.py\u001b[0m in \u001b[0;36m<module>\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\n\u001b[1;32m      6\u001b[0m     \u001b[0;32mif\u001b[0m \u001b[0msent\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m[\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m-\u001b[0m\u001b[0mx\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m]\u001b[0m \u001b[0;32min\u001b[0m \u001b[0mhindi_pronounce\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m:\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0m\n\u001b[1;32m      7\u001b[0m \u001b[0;31m#         print(sent[-x-1])\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0m\n\u001b[0;32m----> 8\u001b[0;31m         \u001b[0mnewSent\u001b[0m \u001b[0;34m+=\u001b[0m \u001b[0mhindi_pronounce\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m[\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m-\u001b[0m\u001b[0mx\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m-\u001b[0m\u001b[0;36m1\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m]\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m+\u001b[0m \u001b[0;34m' '\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0m\n\u001b[0m\u001b[1;32m      9\u001b[0m     \u001b[0;32melse\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m:\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0m\n\u001b[1;32m     10\u001b[0m \u001b[0;31m#         print(sent[-x-1])\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0;34m\u001b[0m\u001b[0m\n",
      "\u001b[0;31mKeyError\u001b[0m: -19"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "sent = 'itt’’ss  a  fuअं nnnyy  liiffee.'\n",
    "newSent = ''\n",
    "# currSent = random.choice(journal).lower()\n",
    "for x in range(len(sent)):\n",
    "#     print(-x)\n",
    "    if sent[-x] in hindi_pronounce:\n",
    "#         print(sent[-x-1])\n",
    "        newSent += hindi_pronounce[-x-1]+ ' '\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "#         print(sent[-x-1])\n",
    "        newSent += sent[-x-1] \n",
    "    print(newSent)\n",
    "# with open('Hindi_and_English', 'a') as f:\n",
    "#     f.write(newSent)\n",
    "#     f.write('\\n')"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "8aadf7cc",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "interesting how this is reading it as two characters - hmm not sure if this is worth continuing down. Interesting technically and artistically so will want to debug but not sure if its worth pursuing  "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "f5c9fede",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "#### Exploration 2:  Replacing words identified in the silence word list with a space Using different words for silence in the quotes \n",
    "Visually replacing the word for silence with a blank or negative space. How does the meaning change when you change the word 'silence'?"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 18,
   "id": "7e87a37b",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "import tracery"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 20,
   "id": "aef99797",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "import string\n",
    "regular_punct = list(string.punctuation) # python punctuations \n",
    "special_punct=['©', '^', '®',' ','¾', '¡','!'] # user defined special characters to remove \n",
    "def remove_punctuation(text,punct_list):\n",
    "    for punc in punct_list:\n",
    "        if punc in text:\n",
    "            text = text.replace(punc, ' ')\n",
    "    return text.strip()\n"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "c850c205",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "First removing everything **except** the words for silence "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 23,
   "id": "b41d90ae",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "original: \n",
      "there are so many parts of myself that i silence and i think it depends on who i am talking to it changes from person to person the person i am to family is not the same as the one i am to my friends and this is a byproduct of silence the parts that need to be silenced when i am with certain groups of people\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "new: \n",
      "                                silence                                                                                                                                         silence                                                            \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "statement = remove_punctuation(random.choice(people), regular_punct).lower().split()\n",
    "print('original: \\n' + ' '.join(statement))\n",
    "print(\"\\n\")\n",
    "new_statement = ''\n",
    "for word in statement: \n",
    "    if word in s_words: \n",
    "        new_statement += word\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "        for i in range(len(word)):\n",
    "            new_statement += ' '\n",
    "print('new: \\n' + new_statement)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "dfe008c5",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Now removing all the words for silence and leaving everything else. "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 25,
   "id": "331fb142",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "original: \n",
      "honestly i don t like too much of silence i would link silence with meditation focus or concentration the meaning of silence has evolved over time in childhood it was equivalent to calm before the storm as i grew up i understood that silence could also be comforting and in my current life stage it is about peace of mind\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "new: \n",
      "honestly i don t like too much of  \t \t \t \t \t \t \ti would link  \t \t \t \t \t \t \twith  \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \t \tor concentration the meaning of  \t \t \t \t \t \t \thas evolved over  \t \t \t \tin childhood it was equivalent to calm before the storm as i grew up i understood that  \t \t \t \t \t \t \tcould also be comforting and in my current life stage it is about peace of mind \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "statement = remove_punctuation(random.choice(people), regular_punct).lower().split()\n",
    "print('original: \\n' + ' '.join(statement))\n",
    "print(\"\\n\")\n",
    "new_statement = ''\n",
    "for word in statement: \n",
    "    if word in s_words: \n",
    "        for i in range(len(word)):\n",
    "            new_statement += ' \\t'\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "        new_statement += word + ' '\n",
    "print('new: \\n' + new_statement)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "79f19217",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "The above doesn't account for a different tense of comfort and calm, both of which are in the list of words that are attached to silence"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 26,
   "id": "c8fe1769",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "import spacy"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 27,
   "id": "951aab81",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "nlp = spacy.load('en_core_web_md')"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "5114524a",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "All text is the combination of the conversations and the journals. "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 38,
   "id": "571d28e4",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "all_text = ' '.join(people) + ' '.join(journal)\n",
    "doc_all = nlp(all_text)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 39,
   "id": "f744d615",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "sWords_doc = nlp(open('silence_words.txt').read())\n",
    "sWords = [w for w in list(sWords_doc) if w.is_alpha]\n",
    "sWords_lem = [w.lemma_ for w in sWords]"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 41,
   "id": "8af45b24",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "sentences_all = list(doc_all.sents)\n",
    "words_all = [w for w in list(doc_all) if w.is_alpha]\n",
    "noun_chunks_all = list(doc_all.noun_chunks)\n",
    "entities_all = list(doc_all.ents)\n",
    "nouns_all = [w for w in words_all if w.pos_ == \"NOUN\"]\n",
    "verbs_all = [w for w in words_all if w.pos_ == \"VERB\"]\n",
    "adjs_all = [w for w in words_all if w.pos_ == \"ADJ\"]\n",
    "advs_all = [w for w in words_all if w.pos_ == \"ADV\"]\n",
    "people_all = [e for e in entities_all if e.label_ == \"PERSON\"]\n",
    "times_all = [e for e in entities_all if e.label_ == \"TIME\"]"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 42,
   "id": "6a7d9fa7",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "Who we are is not in here but extends to the connections between all of us   But people get under your skin easily.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(random.choice(sentences_all))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 70,
   "id": "2498bbad",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "original: \n",
      "Silence is both a boon and a bane.\n",
      "new: \n",
      " \t  \t  \t  \t  \t  \t  \t  \t  \t both a boon and a bane \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "statement = random.choice(sentences_all)\n",
    "print('original: \\n' + str(statement))\n",
    "doc_statement = nlp(str(statement))\n",
    "w_statement = [w for w in list(doc_statement) if w.is_alpha]\n",
    "new_statement = ''\n",
    "for w in w_statement: \n",
    "    if w.lemma_ in sWords_lem: \n",
    "        for i in range(len(w)):\n",
    "            new_statement += ' \\t '\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "        new_statement += str(w) + ' '\n",
    "print('new: \\n' + new_statement)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "405761a7",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "---"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "2c23e9cf",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "#### Exploration 3: Markov chains"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 73,
   "id": "15ea18c8",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "import markovify"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 74,
   "id": "f127804c",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": false
   },
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "generator = markovify.Text(all_text)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 75,
   "id": "2229f201",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "You made me work harder to fill in the world, but knowing we returned to it all.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(generator.make_sentence())"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 79,
   "id": "b1170d5c",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "I don’t know how too.\t I hope for many, those the times when I see pain my dad’s hiding, the anger he harbors at himself, lashing out in seconds?\t Yet somehow I get a lot of the girls with a wave of calmness.\t I am not being able to turn it into clean pain 2 Seattle doesn’t have rooms but does.\t But now I realize, Is that how workaholics become?\t 0.25 miles into a major.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "output = \"\\t \".join([generator.make_sentence() for i in range(6)])\n",
    "print(output)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 80,
   "id": "c6ae1914",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "It gave me the way he does.\t Maybe it was a good sport about things.\t SO I think about our personal struggles.\t It can be oppressive.\t To have her come to terms with.\t I have nothing to say, leaving it to 23.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "output = \"\\t \".join([generator.make_short_sentence(40, tries=100) for i in range(6)])\n",
    "print(output)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "2fab2917",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "### Final exploration"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "4486afe1",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Combining the act of replacing words with spaces and markov chains. Taking the journal and conversations, breaking each into separate list of words. Taking the words of the conversation out of the journal, taking the words of the journal out of the conversation. Creating two new pieces of text. Creating a markov generator for each text. Combining those generators to create a final piece of text"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "78a7411b",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 1: Reading the journal and the conversations and removing punctuation using the method defined above"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 90,
   "id": "efb99ba4",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "journal = remove_punctuation(open('combined_noDate.txt').read() + open('journal_hiding.txt').read(), regular_punct)\n",
    "conversations = remove_punctuation(open('people_meanings.txt').read() + open('people_hiding.txt').read(), regular_punct)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 104,
   "id": "c788ec36",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "with open('final_journal', 'a') as f: \n",
    "    f.write(journal)\n",
    "    \n",
    "with open('final_conversations', 'a') as g: \n",
    "    g.write(conversations)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 91,
   "id": "bb1572ec",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "Life\n",
      "So much of life has happened in the middle of the Instagram pictures  So much of life has happened that you can’t remember  Sadness and anxieity hangs heavy over the moments of happiness  The moments you wish last a lifetime are mere seconds but when you think back to them and how you felt in that moment  everything changes  you feel light again  transported back to that time when you were so happy \n",
      "I was looking at some old pictures of me — at when I was at my heaviest — my senior year of college  But really  it was the lightest I have felt in my entire life  My entire soul was uplifted  I felt like I was floating  And for the most part I did — I floated through life  I was so so so happy \n",
      "I want that unbearable lightness of being  of existing this year  I want 2021 to be that light and happy  And I will take it day by day hoping to end the day with a smile on my face and feeling light \n",
      "\n",
      "Yknow it wasn’t until yesterday that it hit me that you’re ignoring me or more like freezing me out  It was all the same stuff w Kaavya  no talking  broke our snap streak  no calls  nothing  And while I get that you need your space  I mean we all do  I also get that things changed while I was gone but yknow what if this is a solid friendship that shouldn’t matter but apparently it does  For my own mental health  I need to know what the fuck happened and why you’re freezing me out and that’s it  \n",
      "\n",
      "My mind goes into overdrive and it’s an out of body experience  I am typing this and I see it but I don’t  My hands seem to be moving so fast in my head but I can’t type and the speed is painfully  crucially slow  My mind is in overdrive and flashing images run through my head  \n",
      "\n",
      "Life\n",
      "Life itself  this is who I had been for as long as I could remember  At some point  shouldn’t I try to be someone different  Shouldn’t I try to not be affected by people the same way I was when I was younger  Shouldn’t I feel more settled in who I am and where I am going  After all   I did this to myself   isolated from the group of friends  unwilling to partake and be a part of the smaller inner group  I did this to myself  Then why am I still sad  Then why am I still mad  Why do I feel this FOMO  This willingness to put up a charade  Put up all my walls and not let anyone into this fortress \n",
      "\n",
      "Addendum  January 22  2022  3 51pm\n",
      "At some point do we need to make room for others in order to grow  How do we do that  How do you let someone else to grow and allow them to grow with you \n",
      "\n",
      "My brain won’t accept it but things have changed  \n",
      "You have changed and my brain won’t accept it \n",
      "I have changed and my brain won’t accept it  \n",
      "I look out into the mirror and see the same brown eyes \n",
      "But they are a little bit darker\n",
      "A little bit shrouded\n",
      "With a fire resembling fear \n",
      "And the thirst quenched with answers\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I always feel guilty  My parents are well off but they have seen struggle  I grew up with privilege — with cars and drivers and extra help  I have always had a roof over my head and not a worry about where my next meal will come from  I am in all it’s sense  in the top 20   I am privileged in the way white people are — they earn for themselves  not their family  \n",
      "\n",
      "But I feel guilty  Like I don’t have claim to it  Like I have lost touch with reality  Like I have lost the right to be sad  Like I don’t have the right to be depressed and contemplate suicide  Like privilege is the equivalent of happiness  \n",
      "\n",
      "Because we always comment on what do they shave sad about \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "This has been the longest week since being back 3 months and a week ago  Can it please please please just end already  I honestly just want it to be April 11th  I would have so much in place by then  \n",
      "\n",
      "What I am trying to figure out is — why was I made a research assistant when people were right off the bat hired as ux researchers  Is it because I don’t have my masters and only my bachelors  Is it because I don’t have that much experience  \n",
      "\n",
      "I could quit tomorrow and they wouldn’t think there’s a difference  This traffic has really made me go crazy  Like absolutely bonkers mad  And it’s only been 4 days  \n",
      "\n",
      "I am glad I didn’t quit  Today was a good day  Day 5  \n",
      "\n",
      "I have it easy   I get to sit in my AC car and come home  I have it easy  I don’t see the point of complaining because I have nothing to complain about on this front  My energy should be used more efficiently  People struggle  on two wheelers and on the backseat of autos  walking miles and kilometers to get to their destination  They spend time and money on things that come easy to me  And I waste the time that otherw crave for  I waste it on obsessing over other people and I waste it on tv  What if I gave it to my future  Don’t I already have a launching pad for success  Why don’t I use it  \n",
      "\n",
      "Does wishing something bad happen to someone make you a bad person  What if it’s justifiable  Is it justifiable  Is ghosting a justifiable reason  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Was I mad  Was I hurt  Yes  yes I was  I thought we had a friendship that mattered but apparently it didn’t  And you turned 2 if my friends against me  Your problem is that you can’t be real w me and somehow your problem is my problem  Somehow I want to come yell at you and cry to you and ask you what the fuck I did wrong  But I love me  You didn’t give me room to breathe  You didn’t respect me and I hate myself for not seeing it sooner  People struggle with relationships and I lovers  I struggle with my friends and some are my best friends  Fake bitches ain’t nothing more  I’ll roast them but I’ll still cheer you on  Stay away from me bitch because the next time you show up in front of me  I am worried I might just kill you  \n",
      "\n",
      "It hurts and I don’t want it to  I have come to terms with it but it still hurts  I don’t know if that makes sense  I am a great friend but she isn’t and I just want her to feel the pain  Is that too much to ask for  Does that make me a bad person  \n",
      "\n",
      "Observation \n",
      "\n",
      "The scene begins with you standing at the R uptown subway stop at Cartland’s street  You have a destination in mind but you are also here and a pet of the experience  \n",
      "\n",
      "There are approximately 27 people on this platform as you begin at 1 42  There are only 2 trains here  both headed in the same direction  with the same stops  \n",
      "\n",
      "You decide to begin now  Look for your headphones  Because you’ve been so forgettable lately you’ve lost one airpod  So you put one in and intentionally open up the other to the sounds around you  You begin your playlist  It is now 1 44pm  \n",
      "\n",
      "There are still people in this platform \n",
      "\t•\ta dad and a daughter play slide \n",
      "\t•\tA man complaining about the train to his wife \n",
      "\t•\tTwo friends chatting and one’s leg moves to the beat\n",
      "1 45pn \n",
      "\t•\ttrain arrives \n",
      "\t•\tMore people get on than leave  The 30 of us are now in this train and I am in a different car from everyone practically \n",
      "\t•\tThe two friends and the man complaining to his wife over phone are in my car \n",
      "\t•\tThe friends feet continue to rhythmically tap   is she nervous  Friends look at one of their phones collectively \n",
      "\t•\tCity hall station \n",
      "\t•\tThere is a lady by the door reading a book \n",
      "\t•\t1 person leaves  1 enters \n",
      "\n",
      "1 48pm \n",
      "\t•\t12 actively scroll on their phone \n",
      "\t•\tI am hyper aware about observing as I count   do they know what I am doing \n",
      "\t•\tI am in the center of the train car  23 people and me \n",
      "\t•\tWe approach canal street  One of the girls with a black coat puts her phone away and looks at her reflection while fixing herself  \n",
      "\t•\tThe lady with the book puts it away and now focuses on wearing her coats  \n",
      "\t•\tNeither get off  Another person got off and about 10 entered  We’re at 30 people in this car  Only 5 on their phone \n",
      "\t•\tA young couple talking \n",
      "\t•\tA person \n",
      "\n",
      "Song changes  train lurches  person looses balance to the beat of the drums \n",
      "\t•\tthe lady w the book got off but the other one did not \n",
      "\n",
      "1 53pm \n",
      "\t•\tsomeone stares at me \n",
      "\t•\tThe friends are still here\n",
      "\n",
      "1 54pn\n",
      "\t•\tUnion square \n",
      "\t•\tAnnouncements \n",
      "\t•\tMany people leave weMte down to 15 \n",
      "\t•\tThe friends are cozied up \n",
      "\t•\tMovement of the subway facilitates the music \n",
      "\t•\tAnother person standing by the other exit moves their feet left and right to the side of their feet and back \n",
      "\n",
      "This was meant to be my stop but I didn’t get off  What am I looking for  Still on the R \n",
      "Both of the groups that began this journey w me are still here and I feel like I must keep going  \n",
      "1 57pm \n",
      "\n",
      "1 59pm \n",
      "\t•\therald square stop \n",
      "\t•\tPeople sit  sleep against their friends or railings \n",
      "\t•\tShare into their phones and into the abyss \n",
      "\n",
      "2 05pn \n",
      "\n",
      "Intermission  You decide to get the Dow gown train  Get on the Q  And you’re back on 14th \n",
      "\n",
      "2 45\n",
      "\n",
      "You are on a other train \n",
      "There are 2 friends huddled around a phone \n",
      "A woman with a book \n",
      "5 people staring at phones \n",
      "\n",
      "Subway music  \n",
      "Stand clear ping sound \n",
      "The shuffle to steady as the train lurches forward \n",
      "Train held so we’re paused \n",
      "About 15 people \n",
      "One man standing sits down and nervous or ticks \n",
      "Woman reading sets book aside and send few messages And goes back to reading \n",
      "Two friends   one napping \n",
      "\n",
      "Symmetry \n",
      "Waiting \n",
      "\n",
      "2 58pn \n",
      "You’re back at cirtlabdr  Across the way from where you started \n",
      "This time you hear the water \n",
      "Beeping in the distance \n",
      "Able meltinf and pipes leaking \n",
      "You are alone ob ‘this side of the empty platfor\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "You hate to admit it \n",
      "But you drink because \n",
      "You think it makes you better  \n",
      "\n",
      "It takes about 6 drinks  \n",
      "6 shots of straight up \n",
      "vodka to be precise  \n",
      "A lot more beers  \n",
      "But you hate beer anyway\n",
      "Beer is what the fuckboys drink  \n",
      "\n",
      "In your head  you become better  \n",
      "That s when you re in your good stage \n",
      "A little fuzzy glow\n",
      "Around everyone you look at  \n",
      "It s almost like you re in heaven  \n",
      "That s what you say \n",
      "After your sixth shot  \n",
      " Am I in heaven now   \n",
      "\n",
      "Everything feels lighter\n",
      "You feel lighter  \n",
      "You feel more confident  \n",
      "Is it weird to say your sass \n",
      "Comes back  \n",
      "The alter ego you hide in your\n",
      "Mind is unleashed  \n",
      "She looks for answers  \n",
      "There is a need to know more  \n",
      "\n",
      "You nod heads \n",
      "Hug people  \n",
      "Dance like you don t give a shit  \n",
      "Your body moves with what you \n",
      "Think is rhythm  \n",
      "You talk to more people and \n",
      "Talking to people brings you \n",
      "Back to the bar for another  \n",
      "\n",
      "Seven  You take a seventh shot  \n",
      "You feel the buzz fill \n",
      "Your body  It s warming  It s confident  \n",
      "The fuckboy in front of you\n",
      "Is just that but you don t care  \n",
      "You nod while he talks about his frat  \n",
      "Eight  You go for eight  \n",
      "\n",
      "Eight is your limit  It s the peak  \n",
      "You know it  But the boy keeps talking \n",
      "You move on to another one \n",
      "The people around seem trashier \n",
      "More drunk \n",
      "Dancing and singing \n",
      "You look for your friends  \n",
      "They are too busy without you  \n",
      "\n",
      "A wave of sadness when happy is \n",
      "Terrible  \n",
      "A wave of sadness when drunk is \n",
      "Worse  \n",
      "It propels you into depression  \n",
      "You know that  You don t want that  \n",
      "Your head says no  \n",
      "Enjoy the buzz  \n",
      "Keep a grip  \n",
      "Your heart says Nine  \n",
      "Your heart says test the waters \n",
      "\n",
      "Nine  Ten  Eleven  \n",
      "You jump head first  \n",
      "People chatter  \n",
      "People sing  \n",
      "People call you an alcoholic  \n",
      "You were buzzed and now you aren t  \n",
      "It took Eleven shots  \n",
      "\n",
      "Your friends are the last thing \n",
      "That bother you  \n",
      "The boy in front of you stops talking  \n",
      "And all you want is a person  \n",
      "It s a need that envelopes you  \n",
      "And you hate that need  \n",
      "You try to take that need off in \n",
      "The only way you know how  \n",
      "Enveloping yourself in something else   \n",
      "A fuckboy  \n",
      "\n",
      "Twelve  You take a twelfth to forget  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "There is something so magical seeing someone sing live  I never got why people become concert junkies  But I get it now  I watched Troye Sivan live tonight  For the first time  I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry through every song  I took 4 videos before I was done  Because the magic of being in that moment  dancing to those songs will never return  But here is to the endless concerts  And the endless jam sessions  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I sit on rooftops and quads\n",
      "Looking at the stars and city lights\n",
      "I watch the blue mix with the \n",
      "Dark black trees \n",
      "I watch reflections on still water \n",
      "I am waiting \n",
      "I don t know for what or who or where\n",
      "I just know I am waiting \n",
      "On this cloudless Seattle day\n",
      "On the rooftops and quads \n",
      "I sit there waiting \n",
      "As the sky turns different shades of blue\n",
      "I watch the planes leave their smoke\n",
      "And stars illuminate the sky \n",
      "But I won t wait forever \n",
      "Because here in Seattle  \n",
      "Cloudless blue skies \n",
      "Don t last too long \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I drink a little too much sometimes \n",
      "I know I shouldn t but I take another shot \n",
      "How do you stop yourself  \n",
      "When it tastes so good \n",
      "And goes down so easily its your drug\n",
      "And you let it inhibit you  \n",
      "I do stupid things when I am drunk   \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Facebook people and people people are different  \n",
      "That s one of the first things you learn in college  \n",
      "\n",
      "My need for independence scares me sometimes \n",
      "\n",
      "I hope to see you around \n",
      "I think about the 1am vodka shots\n",
      "How easily they went down my throat \n",
      "How you needed a chaser \n",
      "\n",
      "Bright red solo cups \n",
      "In a dimly lit room \n",
      "More jungle juice \n",
      "More beer \n",
      "More weed \n",
      "It s everywhere \n",
      "I slip into a corner \n",
      "And watch \n",
      "People \n",
      "Because that s what I do \n",
      "I watch people \n",
      "\n",
      "It s 3am and I crawl into bed \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "They call me plain  \n",
      "They say I don t do \n",
      "Anything fun  \n",
      "It hurts because \n",
      "Your alter ego wants more  \n",
      "\n",
      "You say that through the smoke \n",
      "Coming through your nostrils\n",
      "You want it to not hurt \n",
      "You get drunk \n",
      "And make terrible life choices \n",
      "And just because \n",
      "You don t laugh at stupid \n",
      "Things \n",
      "You are called not fun \n",
      "\n",
      "You have stuff to add \n",
      "Why do you not add to the \n",
      "Conversation thing \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "There is a fine line between \n",
      "Pretend hate and actual hate  \n",
      "People forget that sometimes \n",
      "People forget how fragile feelings are  \n",
      "I am tired of being that person who has \n",
      "To worry  I don t want to worry anymore  \n",
      "\n",
      "Sometimes we just need pick me ups\n",
      "I am looking for mine  Because \n",
      "Alcohol can only do so much \n",
      "And then you need people  It s a deadly cycle between drugs and toxic people  \n",
      "\n",
      "Because I have walked this road a\n",
      "Thousand times before  And I am done  \n",
      "I want to be done  I want this to be over  \n",
      "I want this lifetime of pain to end  \n",
      "It hurts and I cannot breathe  \n",
      "I have walked this tightrope to many times \n",
      "One too many more than I can count \n",
      "\n",
      "I have never had to take a bus in Bangalore city  I have sat in an auto a handful of times  I have never walked kilometers to get to my destination  That is my privilege in India  Where I have always had someone to pick up after me  Where a driver wasn’t a novel  and sitting in a car the only way to get somewhere  Where my relationship with money was defined by my parents  Where I had to look at them for a little bit to spend instead of getting a job or the bank  Where I teetered on the edge of upper middle class and middle class to firmly settle up in the upper middle class  Where spending without thinking was just normal  Where this privilege of a car  of air conditioning  a driver  a helper  never crossed my mind  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I am so angry  Why at the lunch table do we have to bring up my driver  Why at lunch do we have to bring up my Hindi  Ever since I started working here I have realized I will get judged for things that are beyond my control  Yes I have a driver  Realistically  we are spending less on him than we would be on cab fare  My mom has help because she is literally in pain  I don’t hve to pay for him because my dad does  I fucking lived in another country and English is t\n",
      "\n",
      "Knowing things  that s what you like the most  It s this instinct to know what s wrong with people  to have them confide in you  You say it s so you don t have to talk about yourself  You hate talking about your emotions  It makes you feel things  It hurts not knowing things  \n",
      "Somewhere along the way  you lost them  You lost your confidence and you became a fly on the wall  \n",
      "\n",
      "People make people  But what we don t realize is that people also break people  \n",
      "\n",
      "There aren t too many instances where you can point to and be like this is where it all changed  I hope for many  those the times when the realization that everything has slotted into place hits you  Like when you were kid playing with the big blocks and you would try and try and fail again until one through tears eyes  you see a picture that makes sense in front of you \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "People make people  But what we don t realize is that people also break people  \n",
      "\n",
      "There aren t too many instances where you can point to and be like this is where it all changed  I hope for many  those the times when the realization that everything has slotted into place hits you  Like when you were kid playing with the big blocks and you would try and try and fail again until one through tears eyes  you see a picture that makes sense in front of you \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Corrected\n",
      "i’ve been corrected twice today \n",
      "\t1\tDirty pain in women in the tinder swindler  I guess that it isn’t dirty pain  it’s clean pain but the dirty pain they do to themselves sometimes where they’re in denial  Some are able to turn it into clean pain\n",
      "\t2\tSeattle doesn’t have culture and america started on the east coast  History isn’t culture and it does have history  I guess it does have history l  the land is rich and there is history but there isn’t human history  no historical significant thing has happened yet or maybe it’s not talked about  If it is Native American history then let’s talk about it  let’s cherish it more  The culture there today seems very sleepy  Maybe it’s just not my culture  No museums and dinners and\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "It starts with a lump in your throat until it s a burning in your stomach  You cry yourself to sleep  silently yet visibly shaking  Someone else sleeps in the same room as you and they don t hear you  You know where you are going  In the few moments when the clouds part and the sun filters  you stand on the roof and let yourself breathe  You know where you are going  You haven t been there in a while  you haven t battled the dungeon in as long as you have known  You ache  And you just want to stop aching  \n",
      "\n",
      "You try being happier  but all of a sudden people try to push you away  You feel like you aren t wanted  You feel like it s you  You need to talk to someone  \n",
      "\n",
      "If it’s a play about people \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Starts the show talking about what do people like seeing  What’s interesting   potato chip  People more than anything  Then why not take out everything and just leave the people so you can watch people \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "If it’s a okay about people then why did the shadows become more entertaining at one point  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Who we are is not in here but extends to the connections between all of us \n",
      "\n",
      "But people get under your skin easily  You feel like you aren t wanted  And you hate it  \n",
      "\n",
      "Jen hates being called Jenny  Jenny is used too much and  Jen just sounds so much classier   she says  To which you respond   and older   She gives you the look  Every Time  it s the same  It s routine  And routine scares me sometimes  \n",
      "\n",
      "The night is black and that s where my demons hide  \n",
      "           \n",
      "\n",
      "I hope to see you around \n",
      "I think about the 1am vodka shots\n",
      "How easily they went down my throat \n",
      "How you needed a chaser \n",
      "\n",
      "Bright red solo cups \n",
      "In a dimly lit room \n",
      "More jungle juice \n",
      "More beer \n",
      "More weed \n",
      "It s everywhere \n",
      "I slip into a corner \n",
      "And watch \n",
      "People \n",
      "Because that s what I do \n",
      "I watch people \n",
      "              \n",
      "\n",
      "Sometimes i sleep with a smile on my face  \n",
      "Moon shaped smiles and stars in my eyes  \n",
      "             \n",
      "I watched the rain fall on the window pane  I fell in love with the noise  with the way the droplets trickled down the glass window  There was something magical about the rain  It made me smile  \n",
      "\n",
      "I have been walking in this Seattle rain for a week  hoping for a ray of sunlight  I should be sad because that s what the weather says  I relate to the weather  I cry with the clouds and laugh twith the sun  sleep with the stars and dream with the moon  The sky has this crazy hold over me  But he past week I have been walking around in this rain  \n",
      "               \n",
      "Flying over the country is one of the most beautiful things  \n",
      "\n",
      "When we took off  we rapidly approached the darkness  Running away from that light  Somewhere near the end  the light started again  Flying through a sea of clouds  all I want to do is get off right here and stand on the clouds like they do in the cartoons  Because on one side as the sun rises over the horizon  kissing the cloud line with a warm glow  the other side was a shadow of the darkness  How perfectly the two fit together  Just like the sun and moon  \n",
      "\n",
      "The sun kissed the clouds and the clouds refused to give way  The clouds turned a beautiful pink  As the sun rose  it reflected with the blue skin and the orange glow to make a sprinkle \n",
      "\n",
      "Clouds seemed like the roads  I never knew what\n",
      "\n",
      "Isn t snow just chunks of cloud falling from the sky  \n",
      "               \n",
      "The sand slipped through my fingers  Midway it started flowing upwards like as if a magnet was placed above us except the magnet wasn t strong enough for me  It was only the mystical pieces of sand that were attracted as they clinged to the ceiling with a magical hold  Find\n",
      "\n",
      "Yet  grains of sand are so vast and deep  There are so many and countless  But if you look for blue pigmented sand and trap it in an hourglass  it is forever yours because deep down  the sand is your sapphire  your gem  It s your time and you can do as you wish with it  Watch the sand fall as it may taking a beautiful shape of its own due to the magnet you place under it  The shape can be your life \n",
      "               \n",
      "There is something so sinfully mystical about doing things in the night  I have this place where I go to think  I found it about a week ago and I have walked there more than a dozen times at all of the oddest hours of the night  Today I needed time to think and at 12am on a cloud yet sunny Seattle day  I couldn t muster the courage to cross the road  I have j walked on the same crossings a 100 times yet this time it s different  It felt different \n",
      "Everything was sketchier and uglier  The walk there didn t give me the adrenaline boost it usually does  Maybe it was because I had skipped class for this  Maybe because I was running away from \n",
      "            \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Money\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "here’s the thing about money  your relationship with it can irrevocably explain key facets of your identity  You can have nothing  live pay check to pay check  and still find happiness because you understand money isn’t what makes you happy  it’s people  \n",
      "\n",
      "Secondly  there is a disproportionate amount of people that spend money on things that are not as worth  judgment seems to exist on buying more visibly material and expensive things  On eating out  The smaller payments like excessive grocery shopping and wastage of food  buying  18 books  developing  20 film  These are the type of things that don’t get looked at  Maybe because people that do these things think they have such little of it or maybe because these aren’t seen as lavish luxuries rather necessities to live  \n",
      "\n",
      "This past weekend or a lot of the times I’ve sensed major judgment when I talk about eating out at expensive restaurants  I like food and I like the experience of it  I believe it’s something worth spending money on  Yet  it’s fleeting  not something one can own and hence seen as a corollary of an expensive lifestyle rather than a main expense in a budget lifestyle  I don’t spend money shopping or developing film or groceries  I spend it on people and spending time with people in a curated dining experience  That to me is happiness  So why can’t I be seen as a budget conscious woman as well  \n",
      "\n",
      "There are 3 types of people \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I feel suspended in space \n",
      "\n",
      "We don t take the long way home \n",
      "So we can find unknown and new places \n",
      "We are so used to the same monotonous \n",
      "Routine \n",
      "And I am tired  \n",
      "Tired of this  \n",
      "Tired of the iron grip I have on my life \n",
      "\n",
      "People ask \n",
      " How do you live with you fears   \n",
      "I know what they mean  They \n",
      "Mean   How are you scared of dogs \n",
      "and heights  How are you scared \n",
      "of these things and still do it   \n",
      "\n",
      "It s because you don t know my \n",
      "Deepest and darkest fears  \n",
      "You don t know what keeps me \n",
      "Up at night  And trust me  you \n",
      "Don t want to know  I am strong  \n",
      "And I can t even take it sometimes  \n",
      "I dont think you want to know  \n",
      "\n",
      "It s like when people call you \n",
      "Frantically  worried  you know\n",
      "They need something from you  \n",
      "Except when you told them you \n",
      "Can t help  they cut the call \n",
      "She said she thought her \n",
      "Character was a bitch in my story  \n",
      "Stories are based off of real life  \n",
      "Honey  I love you \n",
      "But you are a bitch\n",
      "\n",
      "We live in a world of big brand names\n",
      "We love Kendrick and Arctic Monkeys \n",
      "For they have name\n",
      "And I love them as much as the other guy\n",
      "As much as Chad from Sigma Apple Pie\n",
      "But I also love \n",
      "My clothes from thrift stores\n",
      "My coffee with unbranded cups \n",
      "And artists who sell their music on street corners\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Why did you leave  \n",
      "I wish friendships could have friendship surveys \n",
      "A reminder to know yes I am in this friendship \n",
      "And no I am not being burdened by you \n",
      "\n",
      "Why did you leave  There has to be a reason \n",
      "A reason in my because obviously there is a reason \n",
      "And it’s me because you left and before you another person left and before you someone else left \n",
      "It has to be me because I am the only common denominator \n",
      "And trust me I have tried to take me out of the equation one too many times \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I fall in love with people a little too easily \n",
      "Far easier than I fall out of love with them \n",
      "Because I don’t think I ever do fall out of love with them \n",
      "I bare my soul for them \n",
      "Even when they threaten to rip it out of my heart \n",
      "I am over it \n",
      "\n",
      "  \n",
      "I hate money  I hate everything it brings with it  I hate the talk  I hate the assumptions  I guess sometimes assumptions are necessary  I guess it’s needed sometimes to profile people  \n",
      "\n",
      "This job was doing well for me  it has taught me a lot  Being back home has been good for me  But the past week  I can feel it turning toxic  Both  work  and the city  I love being home  but I am getting too comfortable  I don’t have a life and I am finally missing my friends  It’s tough without social interaction  especially when your social media feeds are filled with them  I miss them but I am too lazy to text them and follow up  As for this job  don’t even get me started  I am so tired of being profiled as a “rich” and “priveleged” kid  Rather than meeting people and rather than learning  I see it becoming an obstacle  I see it become  a problem  I see it become a wedge  I am tired of the traffic  I am tired of the non communication  and in all honesty  I am tired of sitting on the bench  I am tired of the assumptions and I feel incapable to break through the assumptions  I feel incapable to make a change  I feel incapable to get my voice heard  I feel stifled  \n",
      "\n",
      "This is a question I’ve had for years — am I an exception  Like am I pampered too much  I know people who have lived lives far more privileged than mine  do they hide it  Do they feel ashaamed  Am I doing something wrong that makes me standout more than I should  Should I act in a different way or talk in a different way  And what about them  who are more privileged  Do they just not interact with people or are put in situations that make them reflect on their privilege  How do they own it  How  \n",
      "\n",
      "I don’t know whether it’s the impending admissions results or the fact that I’ve been back 4 months now  almost 5  or the fact that some things about work are just giving me a lot of anxiety  but I am just questioning everything and I don’t feel ok  I don’t feel the best  I have a pit in my stomach since yesterday  I am taken back to 4 years ago  I feel lonely  I have very bad thoughts  and I am depresssed  There really is no other word for it but I feel despair and I am depressed in the dictionary definiton of these terms  Despair  Depressed  and Desperate  \n",
      "\n",
      "I am itching for change  I think Krishna makes the world go in mysterious ways  I am not sad about coming home  Hell  it was the best thing to happen to me  Something I was craving  I need to put it to good use and actually send in pieces for publication  And so  I believe whatever will happen next will be for the best and to teach me something  To help me grow in some way  I am just desperate to know what it is  \n",
      "\n",
      "I actually miss academia though  Working has taught me that I miss academia and I know what to do this time around  I miss academic research  \n",
      "\n",
      "I love a little too easily  \n",
      "I remember growing up with my mum  She would tell me   Darling  love a little less   \n",
      "\n",
      "notes on fluency \n",
      "the ability to hold conversation with skilled dexterity over a breadth of vocabulary  the feeling of calling  owning  and commanding over a language  often one that is “native”  defined as origin  history  generational  to a person  it is about autonomy and ownership over words and thoughts  inculcating inclusivity and assimilation within a person   often fluency is accompanied by lack of recall causing the person to rely on extensive description to relay the message  it’s the approach of learning to string the right words in the correct order to form a description that elicits the word from the native speaker  \n",
      "\n",
      "I am so tired  \n",
      "Tired of everyone \n",
      "And everything  \n",
      "Last night was fun  \n",
      "With them  \n",
      "I don t have anxiety  \n",
      "It s because I don t have expectations  \n",
      "They are just easier to be around  \n",
      "And I am done carving out paths \n",
      "For other people to trample on  \n",
      "I am my own person  \n",
      "\n",
      "We used to be best friends  \n",
      "What happened to that  \n",
      "I barely see you  \n",
      "We co exist \n",
      "We barely talk  \n",
      "This is what you want  \n",
      "This is on you  \n",
      "You should know that  \n",
      "I tried talking  \n",
      "You shot me down  \n",
      "Enjoy with your other friends  \n",
      "Because you are just a person to me now  \n",
      "I am done  \n",
      "\n",
      "7 40pm  walking thoughts\n",
      "There is something so introspective about putting in your earphones and walking around  thinking about what’s happening and how you’re feeling  You feel like such a main character in the middle of a major life crisis \n",
      "And well  I feel like that  I feel alone and empty and scared  So  Scared  I haven’t had to need a lot of things in my life  New York  definitely a want  But I have always needed people  I have always needed to not feel so alone  I have always needed to be needed  And somehow I get a lot of things but I don’t get that  What do I hve to do to get those things  To feel safe in trusting people  To be happy within myself \n",
      "I am happy with myself I promise I am \n",
      "Everything said and done  this year gave me one very vital thing  it gave me the time to be me  for me to understand who I am and what I want from life  It gave me the time to love myself like I’ve never loved myself  My job  regardless of everything I say about it  it saved me  It gave me purpose and forced me to live  It gave me value and I am definitely sad to leave  I wasn’t in a good place a year ago  I remember laying on the floor of my bathroom a little over a year ago wishing to milk myself  I am not going to lie  I have thought about that a lot but my job  my family  and my friends from overseas kept me alive \n",
      "I am ready to jump into this next chapter of my life  I am scared but I am ready  I have nothing holding me down here  Nothing holding me back  Nothing keeping me back  I can do and be what I want \n",
      "I feel very aimless like I don’t know what to do with my weekends  Is that how workaholics become  My workaholic self is motivated by loneliness \n",
      "I need people to like me and I fight it but it’s difficult \n",
      "I am scared of finding and meeting people to live with in New York  How do I do it \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Lake\n",
      "\n",
      "Have you ever been to a lake  I could just sit by a lake with birds and ducks and duck watch for hours \n",
      "\n",
      "I do wish it everyday  I hate people who lie to me and who aren t straight with me  \n",
      "I do want them to be unhappy  Is it terrible of me to wish that they s\n",
      "\n",
      "Lately   dinners \n",
      "Lately I’ve been doing dinners  I am a brunch girl through and through  Breakfast for dinner has been my favorite meal since I was a child  As I grew I woke up too late and didn’t have time for breakfasts and so a breakfast for lunch or dinner seemed like the best way to get my breakfast food kick   waffles  pancakes  brioche  EGGS  Brunch   well brunch is my favorite meal  Add some day drinking where it’s completely respectable and acceptable to pass out at 9pm   I am here for it  But lately I’ve been having some great dinner meals  \n",
      "\n",
      "It’s been about the conversations  the intimacy  the less flare but more sophisticated approach to it all  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Lately peripheral friendships\n",
      "\n",
      "There are so many people in your life you’re friends with because of circumstance  Is that why you make friends  \n",
      "\n",
      "How do I know we’re out of the pandemic  \n",
      "\n",
      "Well my depression came back  Full for r and that weird anti social funk where I hate everything even tho if h my life is pretty great  That fucjing existential dread  \n",
      "\n",
      "This morning \n",
      "\n",
      "I had a hallucination ……   about killing myself  I thought about how easy it would be to go to the kitchen and pick up a knife and slit my wrist  How I won’t have to deal with any of this anymore  No one will find me for a few days and then probably my parents will find out that I am not replying to calls and set out a hunt for me  Probably call kaavya or bhaiya and then Erica will probably find me  \n",
      "\n",
      "I never planned to live this long  I never planned to actually graduating college  to actually living an adult life  And that’s why I struggle with this so much  I don’t know how to be an adult because I never wanted to be one  I never thought I would get here  \n",
      "\n",
      "So k went tkt be fun \n",
      "\n",
      "I know when things are going south  And this is it  This is it  I am sinking  That point that always happens it s come  I am out  \n",
      "\n",
      "I am done  I m not that important to any of them\n",
      "\n",
      "I have been through this a thousand times before  I know what this means  And I am done  done being treated like this  This is how I have felt for a long  long time  I am crying on the inside  I am done  \n",
      "\n",
      "April 9th 2016  3 55 AM\n",
      "There is something I just realized  This world I am living in is mine  That s a thought that goes through my mind everyday  I remind myself that everyday but right now it was one of those rare 4 am musings  This life I am living is mine  and mine alone  I can sit here and laugh over videos or I can go out there and make some experiences  I don t need to rely on people to make my experiences  I need myself  And sometimes  that s going to be enough  Sometimes I am going to have an ache in my chest which is going to scream how I need people  But other times  I am going to remind myself I am enough  I need to remind myself that because there is so much I want from this world  so many experiences that no one else but I can push for  \n",
      "\n",
      "happiness comes in short bursts\n",
      "and i take as much of it as i can get   \n",
      "\n",
      "the pit of my stomach is hollow \n",
      "and my heart clenches \n",
      "\n",
      "i have been down this road one too many times\n",
      "and i have picked myself up \n",
      "\n",
      "if i fall again\n",
      "will i stand up again  \n",
      "\n",
      "I hate to say this  but \n",
      "But your actions hurt me  \n",
      "They affect me more than they should  \n",
      "I try to not let them  \n",
      "Because after all  \n",
      "You are only my friend  \n",
      "Another person in the sea  \n",
      "You treat me like a bystander  \n",
      "A placeholder  \n",
      "And I take it  Because on those days \n",
      "The ones we laugh and watch movies  \n",
      "I am happier  But this  \n",
      "This is toxic  \n",
      "I have enough people to \n",
      "Bring me down  \n",
      "I have an army that I call family  \n",
      "As they bulldoze me with bullets  \n",
      "I call it quits on the friendships that do so too \n",
      "I need to start cutting ties  \n",
      "And I need to start doing it from you  \n",
      "The people who make me anxious   \n",
      "\n",
      "You call me passive \n",
      "But honey  you are the most unoriginal person\n",
      "I have ever met  I would never tell you this \n",
      "Because I have a heart  But  you are a clone of \n",
      "The people you hang out with  I see you change  \n",
      "Change with every person you meet \n",
      "It’s a great thing  \n",
      "But when I see the people  \n",
      "When I hang out with them  I see who they are  \n",
      "And I see who you are \n",
      "Nobody changes that fast  \n",
      "Because then  \n",
      "What do you believe in  \n",
      "What do you stand for  \n",
      "I thought you didn’t tell me because \n",
      "You didn’t want to talk about it  \n",
      "But now I realize  it’s because\n",
      "You don’t know   \n",
      "You can’t call me passive \n",
      "Because darling  \n",
      "You don’t know me  \n",
      "You never asked if I was okay  \n",
      "Or if I had a bad day when I clearly did  \n",
      "You made small talk  \n",
      "And I hate small talk  \n",
      "\n",
      "You said I didn’t believe in the right things \n",
      "When you talked about kids in the future \n",
      "And I said I don’t want kids  \n",
      "You told me I would change my mind  \n",
      "Stop telling me what to do \n",
      "And how you and that boy you met 20 minutes ago \n",
      "Are now a “thing” \n",
      "I laughed internally  \n",
      "Internally because I am a great friend  \n",
      "I am there for you  \n",
      "A shoulder for you to cry on  \n",
      "But you haven’t seen me cry  \n",
      "You look at your phone when I try  \n",
      "Try to tell you about my shitty day  \n",
      "You treat me like a blank page  \n",
      "When I am color  \n",
      "I don’t believe in the things you\n",
      "Believe in  But I believe in the clouds\n",
      "parting for the sun  \n",
      "Even if it’s for a couple of minutes \n",
      "Amidst this Seattle rain  \n",
      "I believe in wishing on stars  and \n",
      "Knocking on wood  \n",
      "I believe in the power of words  \n",
      "And kindness  \n",
      "I believe that one day I can make a difference \n",
      "I believe in the little things  \n",
      "And I would run  faster than light if I could  \n",
      "Towards it  \n",
      "\n",
      "You said I wasn’t smart  \n",
      "Sure  I laugh at myself  \n",
      "But that’s because I am a good sport about things  \n",
      "You don’t have the right to shit on me \n",
      "Especially not for being me  \n",
      "I have dealt with people like you all my life  \n",
      "But look at me  I am still standing  \n",
      "And I intend on being this strong  \n",
      "Or actually much stronger at the end  \n",
      "Don’t laugh at me or call me dumb  \n",
      "Because I have better grades than you right now  \n",
      "Because I give a shit about things other than “practicality”\n",
      "Because I have been through things \n",
      "You have no idea about  \n",
      "You’re right  \n",
      "I am not the smartest person out there  \n",
      "But you don’t have a right to tell me \n",
      "I have no ambition \n",
      "Because you aren’t my mother  \n",
      "Because I am not scared to look  \n",
      "To crave the wilder things  \n",
      "Don’t laugh at me  \n",
      "Because it makes you sound like a hater  \n",
      "\n",
      "I have spent a lot of time on you  \n",
      "And on the things you have said  \n",
      "I have tried to win approval but what I realize  \n",
      "Is that I am not important to you  \n",
      "You are an important part of me \n",
      "You have been a part of my life\n",
      "For far too long  \n",
      "But I am tired of being \n",
      "A paper clip to paper people  \n",
      "You make it a competition  \n",
      "I never entered  \n",
      "And if you thought I did  \n",
      "This is me saying  \n",
      "“I am out ” \n",
      "Because I don’t shy away from \n",
      "Telling people I can’t manage anymore  \n",
      "I don’t give up on people  \n",
      "But I am learning how to  \n",
      "Starting with you  \n",
      "Because I am done with this toxicity  \n",
      "\n",
      "Stick  stuck  sticking  \n",
      "I hate the variations  \n",
      "\n",
      "Sticks  like the twigs I threw at you  \n",
      "The ones you held in the flat of your palm \n",
      "Grazing your fingers along the rough edges  \n",
      "Twigs  you crushed them one by one  \n",
      "Leaving ashes in a cloudy smoke around your face  \n",
      "With laughter ringing in the forests  \n",
      "You made me laugh  \n",
      "Through my sadness and pain  \n",
      "You made me want to stick  \n",
      "Stick to you as we rushed past throngs of people  \n",
      "You made me want to be stuck  \n",
      "Next to you  but I was scared  \n",
      "\n",
      "Stuck  that’s how I’ve always felt  \n",
      "That’s what I am scared of  \n",
      "You make it seem so easy  \n",
      "But in truth  \n",
      "Pearls are stuck in oysters  till oysters break  \n",
      "I want more than the oyster  I want the sea  \n",
      "Pearls  \n",
      "I think of the way they lined my mum’s neck\n",
      "When she was with my father  \n",
      "I think of the way she used to twirl them\n",
      "When she was happy  \n",
      "But my father left  and with him he took the pearls  \n",
      "He broke the oyster  \n",
      "I always resented him for it  \n",
      "Even if I am turning into him  \n",
      "He was worried about sticking  \n",
      "Being stuck with us when there was so much more  \n",
      "I wish I could say leaving is easy  \n",
      "But I know the pain he went through  \n",
      "I felt it as I walked away from you  \n",
      "\n",
      "Sticking  I wish the car stuck that day  \n",
      "The way chocolate fondue sticks to my strawberry \n",
      "Only if the tyres didn’t skid on the grease  \n",
      "Only if my brother’s car hadn’t crashed into the woods  \n",
      "Only if trees dropped sticks when cars ran into them \n",
      "Instead  my brother was crushed under the weight of the fallen trees \n",
      "He didn’t stick  \n",
      "He left more easily than my father  \n",
      "It was the last thread  \n",
      "I watched my mother change every night \n",
      "I watched my mother grow frailer by the day \n",
      "I watched her until she wasn’t here \n",
      "She never wanted to be here \n",
      "She never wanted this life for me \n",
      "She never wanted me to be stuck like she was \n",
      "But she left  \n",
      "Left me to be stuck here alone  \n",
      "\n",
      "I am scared of the woods \n",
      "I am scared of the sticks I throw at you \n",
      "I am scared of being stuck in this world \n",
      "I am scared of being stuck in my mind \n",
      "But I keep coming back to it \n",
      "I keep throwing sticks at you \n",
      "I keep eating fondue\n",
      "And I keep driving through the woods \n",
      "But I fell \n",
      "Fell down the rabbit hole\n",
      "And I couldn’t do it any longer  \n",
      "Alice didn’t find her wonderland so how could I \n",
      "\n",
      "Instead  I took solace in you \n",
      "You were the reason I stayed for however long I did  \n",
      "Because throwing sticks at you almost made everything okay \n",
      "Watching the sticks bounce off your arm meant I would one day leave \n",
      "But with every day  \n",
      "You made me want to leave less  \n",
      "But I had to go  \n",
      "So I just wanted you to pour the morphine down my throat\n",
      "So I didn’t have to live anymore \n",
      "So I didn’t have to be stuck anymore \n",
      "I thought you wouldn’t mind \n",
      "Because you broke me long ago—\n",
      "Crushed me with your strength\n",
      "Just like the trees did to my brother\n",
      "And you did to the sticks I threw at you \n",
      "\n",
      "I remember playing on playgrounds as a child \n",
      "Playing with the coarse yellow sand \n",
      "The swings and the red slides \n",
      "I remember running around in my yellow dress—\n",
      "The one my mum insisted I wear  \n",
      "The one I hated with a burning passion  \n",
      "The one everyone complimented—\n",
      "Saying I looked effortless and fun  \n",
      "I thought that was happiness  \n",
      "The feather light  carelessness of it all  \n",
      "\n",
      "And slowly  leaves fell from trees \n",
      "Only to be replaced by new ones  \n",
      "And I watched them fall around my favourite park \n",
      "Watching the temporality of yellow leaves\n",
      "On a fall day  \n",
      "Year after year  I came back on the same day\n",
      "To watch the same tree change color—\n",
      "Even through the humdrum of life  \n",
      "I made my favourite childhood park my safe haven—\n",
      "From the baggage I accumulated on the other 364 days  \n",
      "\n",
      "The brightness of a warm and yellow sun  \n",
      "had been replaced by the dark grey clouds \n",
      "I’d take more time to plan my outfits  \n",
      "Think about the comments before posting a picture  \n",
      "And how I’d be perceived  \n",
      "On the other 364 days of the year  \n",
      "I’m more caught up with the glow of my screen  \n",
      "Than the yellow coarse sand I’d grown up playing with \n",
      "\n",
      "I was seventeen  \n",
      "And I had had one too many shots of something I can’t even remember  \n",
      "While I was trying to drown my pseudo misery  \n",
      "My drunken state brought me back to that memory  \n",
      "Of the carelessness  the feather light feeling  \n",
      "I looked around the room  \n",
      "The people I craved had a fuzzy yellow glow around them \n",
      "Like they knew something I didn’t  And so  I asked someone—\n",
      "It was the night I found out about Van Gogh  \n",
      "\n",
      "Van Gogh ate yellow paint\n",
      "Because yellow is the color of happiness \n",
      "And even though he knew it would kill him  \n",
      "Van Gogh thought \n",
      "The paint would make him happy on the inside  \n",
      "\n",
      "Through fragments of careless  childhood memories  \n",
      "I remember thinking if life was that easy—\n",
      "And we  humans  had just made life a little bit of a chore\n",
      "With the pressures of what is socially acceptable or not  \n",
      "And so  the next morning  \n",
      "Nursing a raging hangover induced headache \n",
      "I painted my room yellow  \n",
      "So that the sun was always in my room \n",
      "\n",
      "Van Gogh ate yellow paint so he could be happy  \n",
      "So that he could create art that would be appreciated and loved \n",
      "Van Gogh ate yellow paint so he could be accepted for who he was  \n",
      "I eat mine by being the paper clip to the paper people  \n",
      "By sitting around  in the dark  listening to the heartbeats \n",
      "By the constant urge to need people  \n",
      "By being calm  like the blue empty skies  \n",
      "When I feel like a thunderstorm is coming  \n",
      "Just so I could be accepted for my feather light carelessness  \n",
      "\n",
      "Yellow paint became my personal sign of happiness  \n",
      "Almost as if the Van Gogh story was a metaphor to my life \n",
      "And as I replaced my dress for yellow rain boots  \n",
      "I felt lighter because the things I attached to \n",
      "My symbol kept me grounded in reality—\n",
      "Even if I knew  the happiness they brought me\n",
      "Were like the temporary yellow fall leaves  \n",
      "\n",
      "There is something magical in the way light enters a room   like a sharp spotlight  Almost as if you could see the air particles dancing in the sunlight  as you watch the long shadows move across the canvas  There is something magical about the long lean \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "One day out of the blue you stopped replying to my texts \n",
      "I told myself it was in my head \n",
      "But it wasn’t was it  \n",
      "I have always believed in self love and surrounding yourself with positivity \n",
      "I try to be the sunshine on rainy Seattle days so that you would still want me to be around \n",
      "But you don’t  \n",
      "You turned your back on me when I needed you the most but you still have this hold over me \n",
      "I still text you even though I know you won’t see them \n",
      "Even though I know you won’t reply \n",
      "I text you because i think about our inside jokes and I think about the times that have passed and I think about the times we stayed awake together \n",
      "And I hope that that will remind you \n",
      "That that will make you miss me \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "And I fucking hate you for that \n",
      "But I will always love you even when you don’t love me\n",
      "But I will be there when you need me \n",
      "And you will always have a sunshine in me  \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "One day out of the blue you stopped replying to my texts \n",
      "I told myself it was in my head \n",
      "But it wasn’t was it  \n",
      "I have always believed in self love and surrounding yourself with positivity \n",
      "I try to be the sunshine on rainy Seattle days so that you would still want me to be around \n",
      "But you don’t  \n",
      "You turned your back on me when I needed you the most but you still have this hold over me \n",
      "I still text you even though I know you won’t see them \n",
      "Even though I know you won’t reply \n",
      "I text you because i think about our inside jokes and I think about the times that have passed and I think about the times we stayed awake together \n",
      "And I hope that that will remind you \n",
      "That that will make you miss me \n",
      "\n",
      "You were my best friend and you left \n",
      "And I fucking hate you for that \n",
      "But I will always love you even when you don’t love me\n",
      "But I will be there when you need me \n",
      "And you will always have a sunshine in me  \n",
      "\n",
      "There is apparently a certain novelty to being single in college—especially Spring quarter  Its almost as if  all the couples have come out of hiding because you see more of them on the quad  on Red Square  You see them holding hands and a clear sign of PDA  For other people its like being single is the greatest thing they have thought of  For those who have been in a relationship  even if its on and off  since fall quarter  they are tired of the seasonal changes and want to embrace the independence  Then there is the people who are sex crazed and don’t want to be tied down  I am not sure how many people make up my category but I am single  barely been kissed  girl who just wants a relationship  Who just wants a person to need them and keep them company  I am not asking for much  but apparently its so hard to be loved that I have given up \n",
      "\n",
      "Relationships were never my priority in high school  That was something I would do in college  I had this idea of college—lots of boys  lots of alcohol and lots of fun  Honestly  college has been fun but it just seems like high school 2 0  Except this time  I actually want a relationship  I know there are 5 months of the quarter left and then 4 long months of vacations  What’s worse when one of your best friends has a line of boys almost as if the universe tells the boys she knows that she is currently single or going to be very soon  And even before she s done with one  sh has another primed and ready to parade in  She doesn’t need the boys  but sh has them as a back up for when she does  And then there is this other friend who has never been a person who talks boy  But she fell in love with her best friend almost as if her life is a cliche  \n",
      "\n",
      "Apparently I am asking for too much when I say all I want is a boy to love me  \n",
      "\n",
      "There is a certain glow on the horizon  a light pinkish hue as it mixes with the yellow accents  The color dips into a blue  like the vast blue dark skies  How is the sky blue when the sun is orange \n",
      "\n",
      "I keep thinking about what my life should be like  That’s a thought that crosses my head way too many times  If I have to think about who my best friend in college is my mind goes to the person I opened up to but they dropped me  It hurts because I don’t have a best friend anymore  And I think about how long it took me to open up and how I might ever open up again and I am baffled  The funny thing is I keep looking at how my life should be that I forget to look at how my life is now  I am loved and cherished and people care about me  It’s more than I could have ever asked and it makes my heart so full  I forget to love myself because I am too busy loving others  I am too busy waiting for their approval but really I’m the one who got me here  Yet somehow I keep questioning my worth and my strength  I brought myself here from those dark days  I stand here  not thinking about auicide or how a knife would feel on my wrist because really it took a long time to come here  But I am here and I forget to cherish that  \n",
      "\n",
      "That s the thing society tells you to need people  And that s what makes me hate it  I have been on my own for so long I forget to remind myself that I made it this long  \n",
      "\n",
      "It s human nature to compete  we were born to survive  It started with the monkeys and we pushed to look better  walk straighter  We evolved and became human  \n",
      "\n",
      "I feel sad  I am sitting here before my exam and I feel sad  I know life is about living on your own but for some reason I feel like I need someone to call me and ask me how I am doing  To remind me I am enough and that I am a vital part of their life  I guess all I want is to be wanted  \n",
      "\n",
      "just a little bit of poems and prose   you could also call them epiphanies  \n",
      " everything here is original work unless explicitly stated otherwise   \n",
      "More aesthetic Instagram  meghagoel9704\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      " 1   poetry in motion \n",
      "\n",
      "I wrote this after a certain blowout with people and a day full of missed buses and trains   poetry  poet \n",
      "\n",
      "Everyday this past week I haven t gotten to bed before the sun rose  I have watched the first few days of sun hit the ground  I have watched the deep ink blue skies turn cerulean  I have watched the quiet streets of 4am turn into the scurrying and honking mess of 8am  I have watched the night wane as the moon comes into full view and disappears with the brightness of day  \n",
      "\n",
      "It s not just that I am nocturnal  I have raged against the dying of the light  \n",
      "\n",
      "This past week has been horrible around the world  From the shooting in Orlando to the mass execution in Cameroon to the shootings in Syria and Iraq  There is so much violence in the world   terrorism happens everyday  It s been a tough week  actually a tough year for humans or maybe a tough few years with no end in sight  How long will terrorism go on  How long will humans keep repeating the same mistakes  All we can do is hope that it changes one day  there is a little more peace in the world  \n",
      "Ps  for your sanity  don t google  list of terrorist incidents this year  \n",
      "\n",
      "we talked about shoulders—\n",
      "how the perfect girl felt unconscious \n",
      "how the internet had never seen this much skin because of consciousness\n",
      "because our society told girls to hide our shoulders\n",
      "because bare shoulders were a sign of sexuality— \n",
      "but baby come kiss me because fuck society \n",
      "\n",
      "When i started college as an international student 4 years ago  college to me was the place where we found our passions  But no one tells you that going to a public school meant applying to your major  I hated science with a passion until I came to the UW and found Home at the iSchool  My love for technology and writing came together in a beautiful way that is human computer interaction and at the core of it was my most important passion—humanity  Through these 4 years I have fallen one too many times but after every time I had stood back up taller than ever  Today I am terrified of what the future holds but I am also so so excited to see everything that is coming my way  \n",
      "\n",
      "To say that the past 4 years have been a constant state of anxiety and unrest would be an understatement because sometimes it was much worse  It was also the best time of my life and if I had to do it again  I probably would  And look at me with my 2 tassels on my cap  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I lay myself out like a doormat expecting people to treat me the way I treat them  It’s absolutely horrible but what do I keep expecting  \n",
      "\n",
      "Ready for some loud music \n",
      "Lets converse like this \n",
      "\n",
      "I am so embarrassed I am hiding my face\n",
      "Tell me when this all is over \n",
      "\n",
      "If I am at this level no one can see me \n",
      "\n",
      "Don t worry I will sit properly as I don t want u to suffer alone \n",
      "\n",
      "Last thing  if we sit in the car and eat then he will play loud music and pretty much every one can here it \n",
      "\n",
      "Death\n",
      "Seems so appealing  Everything seems better when you’re dead  You’re remembered for the good  Hell even serial killers are remembered and pulled apart for a trace of goodness \n",
      "But being alive is so difficult  Why should you live  To cause more pain  To cause small pain everyday  Why not just take the deep dive and just cause one big pain  It’ll heal \n",
      "\n",
      "Someone once told me I had this idea of me but I never worked towards it  It stung because deep down she was right  I sit afar and re think my actions  make myself a version of the story which would be better  Which would align to the person I want to be  Yet when I am out in a situation  I run away from discomfort and vulnerability  \n",
      "\n",
      "By the water and in the forests  as we went whizzing down a windy road  after 8 miles of hikes and 24 hours of memories in hand  I felt a sense of calmness  We all lived in the same moment  listening to the Good Vibes Spotify playlist  our hearts beat separately but our minds were one  Cutoff from the world  but knowing we returned to it refreshed  For once it wasn’t a moment where I didn’t want to end  instead  I knew if it ended it just brought with it the immense possibility of a similar future adventure  That excitement pushed me forward  \n",
      "\n",
      "So untouched we say looking at the Pacific Northwest Beauty  Off roading And well trodden trails  we see stumps fallen over and moss grown on them  And then we encounter the stumps that are too flat and the only reason for them was so you could walk there  But there they stand as broken reminders that you are entering their land — some sad and thin leaning over other thicker stumps  trees with rings you can’t count because you’re too stupid for that  They are a reminder  some sad some rude awakenings that they were here first and they will be here after you  that you will move onto see it’s cousins and to bid them farewell  that you are a visitor in the land where they stood proud and tall  where they lay their seed and will give birth to future trees  \n",
      "\n",
      "The clouds skirted above the water  wafting into the trees and \n",
      "\n",
      "Do you ever just get so in your head about your friends and the people that are here and the people that have left  the jobs you have to do and the jobs you don’t have it  the sheer intensity of nature and walking around like a mad person through the thick forest  I had one of those today  0 25 miles into a hike  I felt like I couldn’t breathe  my heart constricted  and I felt like I was going to die  and then I started thinking about how it’s the end of July  and I don’t really have a job and I don’t know what I am doing honestly  This week has been such a shitshow with me barely working on anything and it was bad  \n",
      "\n",
      "Moments that put a smile on our face\n",
      "Life can get so noisy sometimes   the deadlines  the onslaught of meetings  Scheduling meetups and staying in touch  Sometimes  regardless of how great things are going  it gets messy and loud  But in between all of that we get caught up in our monotony  we forget to find color  we forget to smile with our hearts \n",
      "This past year taught me about trusting myself \n",
      "Recently  I go to bed thinking of one picture  of one moment that put a smile on my face   may that have been a conversation with a barista who s name I never bothered to know  a silly afternoon sitting in an overpriced cafe  waking up on a flight in the midst of a beautiful sunrise  sitting by the ocean watching a mesmirizing sunset  Or most of all  times with my friends  Thinking back I am washed over with a wave of calmness  I am transported to the place I was in  to the way it felt  tasted  sounded  smelt  I can hear the waves crashing  the laughter of people  the blaring music  I can taste the burnt coffee  I can feel the unconscious smile that has resided over my face \n",
      "And I feel complete  I feel invincible  And I feel thankful  Thankful for the happiness in the world  happiness in my life  It makes me yearn for more moments like those  And I want to be more present  more aware of those moments  I want to take the time to savour those moments in the future  Because they come and go too fast  And then you re left again in a dark room  typing on your laptop years later \n",
      "Thinking back to those moments gives me a sense of calm  I know I can never go back and I know I can never recreate that moment  I know I am looking at some of them with rose tinted glasses  zooming into that one fleeting minute of pure ecstasy  But sometimes  playing and replaying that on loop gets you through life  I feel like that s what I have been doing \n",
      "I often feel like such a failure  I feel so sad  I feel defeated  But its these moments  these airy breezy happiness filled moments that lift my spirits \n",
      "I hope to make more of these this year \n",
      "\n",
      "I press my hand on my thighs and there it is  the bulging masses  the ones that make others stare  \n",
      "Or not stare  The ones that attract the snide comments and the ones that I have grown to hate  \n",
      "\n",
      "Sometimes I read something so fantastical that I buy into it  But then I am cruelly reminded of the shit times  If the gods we say existed  why did colonialization happen  Why were south asians\n",
      "\n",
      "But speaking of  I have been considering something and I need a perspective and who better than you honestly  I talked to maa about it but I haven’t really talked to papa in depth plus he isn’t really the type to talk things out  but I was wondering if I could get some advice from you — my friend is moving to New York and she asked if I wanted to move with her and I kinda wanna do it  \n",
      "I know big mood and woah but  Here’s the situation  I don’t have a job in Seattle  I don’t have a job in New York  Cost of living will be more in New York  I am aware but I can make it work  New York does have a high supply as compared to demand of jobs which may be a problem  but Seattle hasn’t proven any better  Either way  I’ll have to leave the country in October if I don’t find a job anyway  so really what’s stopping me  \n",
      "\n",
      "What’s really stopping me  I love Seattle and my friends and my life but as far as job market goes New York has everything And I know that the supply is so much more in New York and that’s going to be tough but honestly for tech stuff Seattle is no easy place either  But either way putting all of that apart  and considering that cost of living will be more expensive in nyc than Seattle  is it stupid to just uproot your life and move to this place that I have wanted to live in for so long  I don’t know if that makes sense but I just think I need a new adventure and nyc def is one  I have been talking to people and while they agree some have said taking a few years and working on saving up and then transferring Might be good  might be safer but what if \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Chennai\n",
      "\t•\tI used to be so unafraid  As I watched the water crash on the ocean   watching a wave form and crash  gather itself before it collapses is such a simple beauty\n",
      "\t•\tUsed to be unafraid in the water and now all I can think about is standing too far in  being consumed by the water\n",
      "\n",
      "I see the tears in my dad’s eyes  The pace of our housekeeper slow down  I’ve written about trauma and pain for years but I never knew where it came from  It came from years of watching my dad getting angry  My dad get stabbed in the back from close friends and worst of all his family  From my dad letting my mom down  From my mom’s expectations of me  From my mom’s quietness  From my mom’s self doubt \n",
      "I grew up like that  Hour after hour  fight after fight  being called worthless and useless by the hour  I don’t know how much of a trauma it left on my mum but i see it in her eyes \n",
      "God  I miss being a child  Miss being able to forget about it and live in my own dreamland \n",
      "Being away and home now after years is different  I get to see the permanent scars left on my mom’s psyche  the hurt in her eyes  the self hate  I see pain my dad’s hiding  the anger he harbors at himself  lashing out in different ways  The expectations he carries and the big dreams and hopes \n",
      "My parents are dreamers so of course I am one too  A dreamer expected to not cry  A dreamer expected to hold it together  To be put together \n",
      "\n",
      "It was a story of the people The people that set at tables with no conversation The people who ate in silence and spoke different languages The people who worked on their laptop in a place that was too fancy for work The people who laughed while they ate  food being an after thought The people who sat across from each other with nothing to say   The people who sat next to each other with nothing to say  That lonely girl with her laptop and a coffee  Me with my food  people watching That table with the loud noises who couldn’t stop talking  The cheerful laughter of people floating across the room\n",
      "\n",
      "First  I want to apologize to my friends int he room  the people in this room that know me in some capacity or form  I am sorry for the times I have seemed cold and disinterested  I am sorry for being overeager  I am sorry if I was ever toxic to you  I am sorry for pushing my sadness onto you  But most of all  I am sorry for the times when I wasn’t honest with you \n",
      "You see  I don’t understand myself sometimes  I have lied to myself and sometimes I need to make up stories in my head to just get out of bed and get going  I don’t know what to say to you because I am too in my head  I am looking for a thought  In those quiet times  when you’ve felt like there is nothing to talk about  I am sorry for being disengaged because my brain won’t shut up  Its not making any sense really  its just empty  hollow and a voice echoes in that emptiness — a voice telling me i am not enough  I am not worthy \n",
      "If you ask me to tell you about the last time I was happy  I can pull up a memory from last weekend when I saw my friends at a bar and we drank  But I went home that night and cried my eyes out  I don’t know why I was crying and I’d be lying if I said that was the first time that week when I had cried myself to sleep  For the past 2 years  that has been far too much of a common occurrence \n",
      "People constantly ask how I am doing  I smile  say I’m good  and genuinely have nothing else to say  I smile but i don’t feel the smile  Do you know what I mean by that  a smile that extends and you can feel it in your heart \n",
      "So we were just on spring break and I went to Puerto Vallarta with my best friend  then a Californian road trip with my high school best friend  and then visited my other best friend in San Diego  It sounds perfect  I cam back home that saturday evening  made myself dinner  got into bed  and cried  I didn’t feel anything  i felt hollow but I knew I was crying because of the wet tears rolling down my face  There was a nagging voice in my head — go to that damn party  go see people  you’re running out of time  But all I could do was lay there  unable to move  and the dark thoughts just kept coming \n",
      "Have you ever picked up a knife to cut an apple but thought how it would feel on your skin instead  Have you ever thought what would happen if you just put it right through you  Stabbed your stomach  Would it pain  Would I bleed out in seconds  I am not afraid of death  I am afraid of living  I am afraid of putting myself up here and talking about this and I am afraid of what will happen when I wake up tomorrow  I am afraid of the pitiness and the tears and the smiles  People ask me why I don’t put myself out there more  Why I like to play it safe and just do what I am doing  Its so that I can stay a little sane  Going about what may be a normal day for you is extraordinary for me sometimes \n",
      "My friends really are the best  Some I have met in the last 6 months thanks to the wonderful house I am living in  and some I have known since my first day here  I have lost some and I have gained some invaluable ones  But anyone that I dare to call my best friend has helped me get here today  I never talk about this  I really don’t know how too  I don’t know how to pick up a phone and say ‘I feel like killing myself  can you come over please ’ But I know I can and I promise that is enough for me  I am sorry if I am not vulnerable enough but please know each and every one of you matter so much to me and I love you all  I don’t say that lightly  ‘love ’ I truly do mean it  I wouldn’t be here without the glimpses of happiness you all bring to my life \n",
      "\n",
      "Grandparent visit musings\n",
      "\t•\tIs the inflation of 125x the reason why Dadi has lost vision of what is enough  No idea or in touch with the reality  Things compounded so much   is it the idea that we had loss \n",
      "\t•\tWhat am I meant to answer when she asks “how much is enough to be satisfied ” What am I meant to answer when all I want to do is say you’re going to live another 20 years at the most   this is not going to matter anymore after that \n",
      "\t•\tThe earliest memory my dadu has is from 1940 at the age of 3  Imagine if someone chronicled his life   what would it be  Everyone should journal \n",
      "\t•\tI think we can all choose to be happy at some point after we’ve recognized  after we’ve put in the work to be better  And I will  I hope to be more positive and content going forward  I choose to be happy and think about what is going well in the world  Because too much goes wrong \n",
      "\n",
      "love is the smell of freshly brewed coffee\n",
      "airplanes and the excitement of new adventures\n",
      "\n",
      "You know what I have realized with social media  It s all consuming  it s the best reason to avoid thinking  \n",
      "\n",
      "baby tell me all about you Quickly We’re not getting any younger and I don’t want to waste any time in falling in love with you\n",
      "\n",
      "It’s my funny life \n",
      "I can feel so happy and fulfilled one day but there is nagging feeling that this isn’t happiness  That this isn’t life  It’s an illusion of it  And then the next day the cracks begin to appear  What do you do with those moments  Cherish them  Hold them close to you so you can look back at them in nostalgia  Or look through rose tinted glasses to scrutinize the facade created \n",
      "It’s a funny life \n",
      "How my dad  injured by his own wounds  reacts the way he does  The way his temper shoots off the roof and ricochets around him  The way his eyes fight off the hurt he is feeling as he tries to stand up for himself  How much has he been through  I get it  I do  I want to hold him tight and tell him we’re not fighting with him  That we’ll stand by him no matter what  But he makes it so difficult to love him  He makes it so difficult to watch my mom shrivel up \n",
      "It’s a funny life \n",
      "Watching my mom be strong and laughing one day  And then watch her become a shell of a human the next  To know that for days to come she will hurt herself by telling herself things that aren’t true — fallacies of self hate  To know that for the next few days she will know when I carefully watch her but won’t be able to look me straight in the eye  To have her come to me and apologize \n",
      "It’s a funny life \n",
      "How I tried to run away from this  To not live this and think this for years  And then only to be jolted back in it \n",
      "Why do I sympathize with people that hurt me  Is it because my mom taught me that  To tolerate my father even after he hurts her  hurts me  Is it because we re taught tolerance is what holds a family together \n",
      "\n",
      "Family\n",
      "How is it that humans have evolved with the one aim of procreating  Were kids the accident nobody signed up for  I remember the day my mom told me I was an accident  A happy accident but an accident nevertheless \n",
      "Family yells  backstabs  betrays  I ve seen through it all  And when I think I havent seen something  I see it  Its quite astounding how family is the one gift that keeps on giving \n",
      "But being a parent — how is that something that people actually want to be  I remember the day my mom told me I was an accident  I also remember the day she told me that I was the best thing to happen to her  well one of them  and when I did happen  I gave her immense peace and joy \n",
      "Our family makes us  Literally makes us — our scars  bones  the way we view the world  And yet  in today s world  you can t talk about them   Everyone has family daddy mommy issues   Everyone has a crazy aunt or uncle   Everyone has cousins that they love and cousins that they hate   Everyone has grandparents with unrealistic expectations \n",
      "Well ok  Everyone does  But how come not everyone has the scars I do  If everyone has it  how does it affect me so much more than the other person \n",
      "I am so tired of keeping this family together  Holding it together with sweat and tears that I have forgotten how to hold myself together \n",
      "This isn t how life is supposed to be  is it  If it is  then why do we continue to be pro life and bring more people into this disaster  Why do we keep fighting \n",
      "\n",
      "I deal with self diagnosed social anxiety  I say self diagnosed because I have never actually seen a doctor for it  \n",
      "But what do you call being rooted to the ground in public  what do you call being unable to say something in public  of being scared of being judged  of not being able to move infront of people  Its anxiety and especially under social scenarios  \n",
      "\n",
      "I know 3 languages  and I am learning a fourth  I understand an additional 2 more  At my internship people spoke in hindi and while i understand fluent hindi  I speak hindi at home  I can’t speak it in social situations  I understand that we should push ourselves to do things we aren’t comfortable with  But language is what you can use to portray your confidence  It is the tool to fool everyone around you  And no matter what  every time I have to speak in hindi in public  I can feel the bile rising in my throat  And so  I don’t  I listen to people in Hindi  let them assume I am an entitled prick  and yet reply in cool collected english without stumbling or feeling anxious  Because language helps me identify with my thoughts  it gives me the power I know I have  But it doesn’t make me any less Indian \n",
      "\n",
      "It goes well until it doesn t  \n",
      "\n",
      "I want someone to look at me the way random people look at you  \n",
      "The brightness in their face when they are graced with your presence   \n",
      "That happiness  I want it  \n",
      "\n",
      "I don t want you  I want your personality  \n",
      "I want the carefree poise you pretend to have  \n",
      "I want to be the reason for someone to smile  \n",
      "\n",
      "Running away from responsibilities \n",
      "Is a term that is thrown around way too often  \n",
      "\n",
      "But that is my very basic instinct  \n",
      "Give me a stressful day and you ll see me running away from the skyline  \n",
      "Weekends I get I prefer making trips  \n",
      "I run away from everything that makes young basic life   \n",
      "\n",
      "sitting in a dark room at 2 42 in the morning  some things are very clear to me  \n",
      "1  I run away from situations far too easily\n",
      "2  I need people’s approval when deep down I know I am the only person who is going to be living this life\n",
      "3  I need to do something about the life I want otherwise what happened with colleges is going to happen to me  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "we spend years hiding \n",
      "our bodies in clothes  \n",
      "our thoughts in candy dipped words\n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I knew it was getting colder but i was in denial and then i saw the mountain that looms over us and i could see the fresh snow it had accumulated over the days it hid from us and there was no denying anymore as it stood tall and proud yet shyly peeking through the wispy clouds and the sun glistened its slopes \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Every Friday brings with it corporate happy hours and people rushing to get the train out of the city  rooftop gatherings and the beginnings of drunken adventures that might eventually turn into drunken Saturday’s  Saturday’s full of promise and adventure and excitement rolls into Saturday nights as the friend who pulls you out promises it can be missed  And so  you go  to come back at 4 am and wake up to a lazy Sunday  And for a few hours  the city dissipates some of its excitement  People recheck themselves  run their errands  pop a few Advil  and prep themselves for a night of relaxing  And as Sunday night looms around  friends gather for dinner and couples go on romantic walks  individuals take baths and roommates unwind  They’re building up energy  the cabs start speeding back up \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "The article talks about something I like to term  white privilege   White privilege doesn t only reflect skin color but the way a person was brought up  I was born and brought up in India yet I was fully aware of what happened on this side of the world  the music and clothes I hear or wore were a replica to that of a person living in the United States  Although not everyone in India lives the same life  I was amongst the few in this country to have the privilege  Thinking this  I thought my move to America for college would be flawless  After all  I knew the culture and what was that thing that people kept saying  Oh yes  the amount of Asians and Indians that dominated the country  \n",
      "\n",
      "In a school as diverse as the University of Washington  I still found an unbelievable amount of segregation  Friendships seemed to be forged on your appearance and skin color  And the worst was when I went to the counseling center after a tough winter quarter  only for a counselor to blatantly point out my skin tone and call Indians snake charmers—something I had thought was an ideological myth and not an actual belief held by people  \n",
      "\n",
      "It s like something died within me  I am not sure if it hasn t hit me yet or if I am avoiding it or if I am actually truly numb  I don t know why I have to go back to school  I want to but at the same time don t want to  I don t want to have to deal with my future and people and figure this out  God  the people  I am not ready for this  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "And there is the sadness  indian artist portraits  have such beautiful work  The thing commended is the object not the artist  It’s like saying Mona Lisa is everything and forgetting who created the masterful piece  \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "Tomorrow is my birthday\n",
      "Tomorrow is my birthday \n",
      "I don’t like my birthday very much  It’s always something that has made me sad \n",
      "We celebrate a day of our lovely possessions  What we own  what we got  who we have in our life  our friends  the gifts they’ve given us \n",
      "It’s the one day you can flaunt about everything good in the world  Then why is it that every time my birthday comes around I think of everything I don’t have  Of every way that my life is going wrong  Why is it that I become horribly depressed and feel unloved  Even when I am in my parents’ home  Even when they do the things like cakes and such \n",
      "Why is a day that is meant to be about me not really about me at all  Why is it about the people that have wished me and the people that have come into my life and the things they’ve got me and the grand gestures they’ve done  Why can’t I just curl up with a book and be left alone \n",
      "Why do I always feel worthless on my birthday \n",
      "Lately my birthday is a reminder that the day of my birth is not a day of happiness for me but a day of my happiness for my parents — their first born made it to 23 \n",
      "I however feel horrible  And I can’t even cry \n",
      "Maybe that’s why I cried so much last year  Because I want to cry every year  But I am always around people that make it difficult to cry  And last year  well last year I wasn’t \n",
      "\n",
      "Self preservation\n",
      "Something can be said to my self preservation tactics  I shut down  not think about it  think about everything else but the thing I should probably be thinking about it  Is this everyone s defense mechanism  And if so  is it really healthy to live with this much pent up regret  anxiety  and constant need for analysis \n",
      "Every time something bad happens  I stop talking  I stop thinking  And then I put up a smile but my brain is shut  I think I learnt this form my mom  I have done it so much over the years its just something my body does on its own  And now  I recognize my mom doing it  Maybe I did learn this from her  Maybe my eyes aren t as vacant as hers yet but no doubt  it will get there \n",
      "Its not depression or sadness or want is difficult for me to define  Getting out of it  and talking about it is what s difficult  How am I meant to tell my parents that have provided me with everything that I am not happy  That I am up at odd hours  thinking of the best way to die  How do I answer the question of  what do you not have figured out  without saying everything and running into a wall \n",
      "Its true  there are good things  And i wish I could just count those good things  But its the bad things  the difficult things that haunt me everyday  Every night  I lay in bed with my eyes closed  feeling alone  and with my thoughts  they all come back  The heartbreak  the wells of tears  the fears  I don t know how to move past it  I ve tried  I ve tried to talk to myself rationally and tried to think it through  But my self preservation tactic kicks in on its own  and it screams  And I shut down  Its all dark \n",
      "What I ve not figured out — is me  I thought I would be happy when I was 23  I thought I wouldn t have my dark demon  I thought I would smile and laugh and be light and carefree  That s what I haven t figured out  That s the part I can t seem to figure out — me  And me wanting to breathe  me wanting to get up in the morning  When I was 17  I didn t think I would make it to 23  But if I did make it to 23  I thought of myself having left behind all of this \n",
      "I think voicing this  telling someone this will help me  I know it will  But I am scared  I don t know for what but I am scared  And then another voice in me tells me that I know what others will say  I know exactly what advice they will give me — to fucking shut up and deal with it and move on  So what s the point  But really  how do you tell someone this  I can t even fathom sitting down and having this conversation with someone  Not my parents  not my sister  not my family  My friends love me but I just don t want to burden them with this  And that brings up the whole childhood  trust issues  trauma  The idea that people are there in good times  but not the bad \n",
      "Good times and not the bad — that s another idea where my self preervation instincts kick in  People always said it matters that people stand by you in your bad times  not the good  But then I had people leave in my bad times  When I told them of my needs and wasn t able to hold only theirs  they stopped being my friend  And it happened  over and over again  Until I became desensititzed  I dealt with it and realized if I can t have them stand by me in bad times  at least they will stand be me in good times  And then comes around my birthday  and no one remembers  and there we go with that theory  People don t stand with you in good times either  At the end of the day  you really are a fucking lonely mess that you have to deal with  no one else  And so my preservation instincts kick in and I try my damned hardest to not shut down but it happens  And when it can t happen  I snap \n",
      "How do you tell someone you love this  Someone that gave birth to you  Someone you love  I don t have that much courage  I know this knowledge will break their heart  they will look at me differently  And so  I don t tell them  I don t tell anyone  I live with it  I pick myself apart and glue myself together  I think about how I did it now and I will do it again  And then one day I wake up and its alright  I am not going to break  and then the next comes and I feel steady ground and I can prepare for lift off  And I fill like a hot air balloon and slowly rise  taking in the scenes  And then one stupid bird with a sharp beak comes and punctures a tiny bubble  and its off to my death I go  I crash faster than I rose and I break apart into more pieces than last time  And the whole cycle begins again  I put myself together  glue it piee by piece  Again and again and again  But now  I odn t know how much longer I cna go with this  I can feel the small fine dust is lost and I can see the cracks  I can see the balloon is unpatchable because its so distorted  And I am worried one day I will blow and I will be irreparable  I worry about that day \n",
      "Yet  I don t know what to do  I don t know how to help or ask for help  I wish I was taught how to ask for help \n",
      "Maybe this is why A Little Life impacted me the way it did  This concept of hidden suffering  the idea that no matter what  how much you might want to trust someone  you can t  The idea that you can t burden someone else with your burden  The concept of being one perosn on the outside without ever truly showing just how broken you are on the inside is one I ve struggled with for most of my conscious adult life  At least from the age of 12  and now  I don t know another way \n",
      "\n",
      "Times Square is never dark  which is crazy  It’s so shocking  Could be a metaphor for how life always has something to give  Constantly trying to look up even when it may seem too dark \n",
      "\n",
      "wow The setting  Rockefeller center somewhere in the back  Empire State Building in the front with the lights going off  and to the left  hidden by the trees the Chrysler building  right by the fountain  People are here with friends and only one person  G themselves  It’s truly something  Just take a minute and look up  look how the lights shine for you  This is the o oh slciyh in the world    maybe Dubai    maybe Paris    maybe London  where the lights on all night shouldn’t be a crime  Everywhere else  it’s a crime  I love this city  This  This freedom of walking in a city at 10pm is what I am going to miss  Everything else I can get in Bangalore and more  But this  this feeling I log walking aimlessly until I figure it out is what I am going to miss  The constant activity brings you safety  I don’t even know what else to say but it’s this absolute utter beautiful feeling of freedom that I absolutely love and am going to miss \n",
      "\n",
      "I strongly believe their somethings that you have to learn outside of class  While in London I took part in multiple societies and clams while I was studying English literature  I was part of creative pro bono agency as well as a Tech society  I went to multiple hackathons both on campus and off campus hoping to gain as much information as possible  Over the summer while working with Vernacular AI not only did I work with use experience and data I also worked with the CTO in learning the basic architecture of How Machine learning works and the architecture of their software working in the small team  Working in the small team really helped build my perspective alongside that I worked on multiple freelancing projects over the summer and then personally the next step  I wish to play the Google because in my opinion the next step I need is a structured guidance that but only a big company can provide in particular  Most importantly I want to be able to work under a team of advisors to tell me how I can approach things differently I am  I have always been very learning individual and I believe working with professionals in creating something bigger but I had to word a bigger project is the ultimate next step for my future  Will put me a part  What puts me apart from other individuals is my drive and passion for attack  Combined with the articulate knowledge of understanding and overthinking that an English degree provides  While at college I have continued to take web design courses and you Xclusive as pie as part of my informatics my alarm I hope in the next coming year I hope to convert convert my minor into a major \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "How far will you go before you break  Before it’s too much  How unsettled do you need to be \n",
      "We define ourselves and our experiences based on others   perceptions and thoughts and feelings  Precedence \n",
      "How many times will you go to the edge and retreat  How far in will you retreat \n",
      "This time you have to go into your cave  you have to retreat  and this time you have to jump off the edge  You have to take your risk and put in the time and energy to mould that Diamond  Because if not now then when \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "I sat there listening to her talk and I had no idea what was running through her mind but as she talked about her broken pieces 6 I felt it deep within me  My experiences were completely different from hers but there was something in her pain that I felt  Something about the way she described about her broken pieces  her immovability  her lack of self esteem and personal confidence  I felt her pain like I felt mine  Talking to her and watching her in that state reminded me of the pain I was in about 2 years ago  Here I was  talking to someone twice my age about abuse and while hers was physical in a relationship  I understood her because I was in friendships that were abusive  Friendships that broke down my self esteem with every passing year  I felt her broken pieces and her loneliness  Her pain is very different from mine  very emotionally draining from mine  But the effect—the effect was intersectional  The pain and feelings we feel are one and the same  because that’s what depression does to you  \n",
      "\n",
      "He was the kindest person I knew  Thinking about forgiveness makes me think of him  It’s funny though  how we think about people after their passing  How a sadness brings people together  It wasn’t that I didn’t think of him when he was alive  rather it was the fact that I took it for granted  I took life for granted  But I swear  this thing is far too short and far too cruel  It comes to the people who deserve it the least and who probably want it the least too  It’s almost his birthday and I can’t stop thinking about it  My nana was the nicest person ever   I want to be just a little nice as him  Without me knowing it  he taught me the importance of forgiveness   the importance of self worth \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "It’s a cold winters day\n",
      "And the sun plays with the clouds—\n",
      "Dancing and skirting leaving glimpses of sun\n",
      "In places too far away  \n",
      "\n",
      "I walk along the coast  \n",
      "Watching the water splash on the rocks \n",
      "And recede \n",
      "Splash and recede  \n",
      "\n",
      "I watch the water trickle\n",
      "In between the stones  \n",
      "The clear water skirting \n",
      "Glimpses of the seabed with every splash  \n",
      "\n",
      "I follow the coast line \n",
      "As far as I can—\n",
      "And just as I watch a ray of sun \n",
      "Hit the rocks a little way away—\n",
      "I see the warm golden hue spread like warmth  \n",
      "I feel the warmth  \n",
      "Trickling in me much like water \n",
      "trickles between stones\n",
      "I feel the hush of comfort and safety\n",
      "The golden warm hue\n",
      "Even in the face of blistering cold winds  \n",
      "\n",
      "Loss\n",
      "Its so weird experiencing loss because you don’t know if this is how you actually feel about the person if you’re fantasizing and making them to be larger than they actually are \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "The city never really does sleep  With the reflection of city lights on the sky  \n",
      "It lights the sky in a cool pink  \n",
      "Never really sleeping \n",
      "A constant state of light reminding you \n",
      "That day isn’t over \n",
      "And so the days flow one into the other \n",
      "\n",
      "We are a piece of history \n",
      "Slotting into the world like little pieces of a puzzle \n",
      "Forgetting what has come before us  \n",
      "\n",
      "Even today we talk about the breaking \n",
      "The change in weather  geography\n",
      "Imagine when the lands were shifting \n",
      "\n",
      "\n",
      "In the distance\n",
      "I saw the buildings light up—golden\n",
      "I walked under the grey skies\n",
      "But somehow the sun parted\n",
      "Somewhere in the distance \n",
      "Shining those few rays\n",
      "On the buildings\n",
      "In the distance\n",
      "They lit up—\n",
      "Golden  \n",
      "\n",
      "I think sometimes we think we can sit down and just figure everything out and that it all has to line up and it’s going to be ok  But it’s not how it works  It takes time and effort and energy to build yourself up  It takes an approach of recognizing your vices and constantly working on ourselves  We are a more conscious generation and I think that’s because of the amount of time we spend working on ourselves  to better ourselves \n",
      "I think we try to find a reason for why we’re broken and we try to blame specific instances in our life for them  Sometimes it’s nothing but other times it’s everything  How do you reconcile with who you are and who you are becoming \n",
      "My mom is going through perimenopause which makes her anger absolutely horrible  Mix that with her sadness and it’s kind of unbearable to be around her  But one of the things I’ve found myself saying is ‘calm down ’ ‘keep yourself calm ’ ‘control yourself ’ It’s that last one that really makes me think — ‘control yourself’ woman — a jibe hundreds and thousands of men have used towards women to make them feel inferior and less  Is it fair for one woman to use towards another woman \n",
      "There is a rawness to vulnerability that I haven’t been able to come to terms with  How do you keep pushing yourself and your self worth when you are so confused and overwhelmed  Isn’t it time to ask myself what I want  What I truly want  Am I wasting time \n",
      "That question — am I wasting time  — has been replaying in my head for the past 6 months  I keep seeing people get amazing jobs and positions out of college  I keep seeing people party and have fun  And in all honesty  it’s hitting me hard  I didn’t want that life right now but is this the life I wanted  Sitting in my bed all day  not working on anything  Where is my ambition  I am broken and I feel even more broken when I see this  When will I stop measuring myself to others in the world and just focus on me — focus on what I want — on where I want to be  Isn’t this the time to do that \n",
      "Trauma  How do you recognize your own trauma  Is it when you take a step back and then come back to the thick of it \n",
      "I have seen people scream and shout at each other for years  There is no unity and how do yo7 get to an answer  How do you speak for someone else when you can’t even speak for yourself \n",
      "Being back in Bangalore has been very interesting for me  I knew I never fit in in high school  but I kept telling myself stories and others how close I was to some people so that I could make it up  Honestly  I am tired of it  I am tired of lying to myself and others around me  I don’t like some people and they don’t like me  But honestly  I never put in the effort it needed \n",
      "So  I’ve been sitting here worrying about what I am going to do on New Years because no 22 year old should spend it at home  I should go out and see my friends and drink with them and enjoy and live my best life  Right  That’s what’s tradition demands  That’s what’s expected  When people ask me what I did  I have to tell them I got all dressed up and went to a party with my high school friends and had fun  Because that’s what happens  isn’t it  But it isn’t what I want to do  I am sitting here and constantly thinking and stressing about it  because I don’t want to be that “loser” but honestly I don’t want to go drink with random people  I think I want to be invited to it more than I want to go to it  But what’s new  That’s how I have lived most of my life  In this halfway place between dreams and consciousness \n",
      "I am able to stand here today and I know that there is something wrong with me  I know that but I don’t know how to help myself  I am still terrified to face my demons \n",
      "The following are pieces from my journal from July 2022 to present about quality of living \n",
      "\n",
      "The narratives that we tell ourselves in exchange for the fear of living life and feeling emotions  \n",
      "All I ve ever wanted is a community of people that support and love my endeavors  \n",
      "I am so caught up in things of elsewhere   the past  another place  another time  another scenario that I forget to exist in the now  the present  \n",
      "I don t have people around me who have the mindset that I am in currently   need to find that  \n",
      "My room is still a heaping blazing disaster zone  \n",
      "The simple pleasures are the little  subway rides late at night with friends  musicians on the subway  watching the sun set  \n",
      "Finally I am in a position where I can say I love and believe in myself  \n",
      "Not showing up  Isn t friendship about showing up  About putting aside this anxiety  I am in a rut and I can never get out of it  I feel like I am choosing myself but I m hiding  Isn t it courage to go  To show  To risk  Isn t that what life is    the people you meet and the stories you accumulate \n",
      "I ve wanted to die for so long that I m glad to live today  To know that I ve made it to an age I didn t think I would  to acknowledge the greed and pain and sadness that I had in life  That it wasn t a part of my imagination  To have the knowledge that I will experience all of it again maybe worse but I will have more control \n",
      "I am filled with love and gratitude and greatness today  I feel invincible  \n",
      "I don t know where my time and energy has gone  \n",
      "I ve been leading unto this moment of release  \n",
      "I don t know what I ve been feeling  I feel restless  I feel anxious  I feel   expectant  \n",
      "In the winter  when the snow falls quickly  for a second when the weather turns  it does something where we can t see far from our window  We can imagine that we aren t where we are  Maybe the city isn t the city and the building my window is facing is actually a mountain  a bit farther than it appears  each with its own cottage  neatly stacked  \n",
      "I was shook because I was giving the impression that I had no family trauma  How is it so easy for someone to diminish another s trauma  I don t talk about the trauma because I don t see the point in talking about it  It s easier to talk about the good things because the bad is horrible \n",
      "Looking at photos of myself as a child I am always struck by how I used to smile  But in some photos  I look at them and am transported back to how I was feeling  Was it then   when I was 7   that I stopped being happy  The expression in this undiscovered photo says it all  \n",
      "Am I just incapable of saying no\n"
     ]
    }
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      "To me silence means stillness. Silence means not creation disturbance. Silence can be at different levels though. Could be silence in your actions, words, thoughts or inner being. Just because your words are silent doesn’t mean other parts of you are silent. But the deeper the silence goes the more clarity is created out of the stillness. If there is silence on the outside but not on the inside, it will mean misalignment and internal conflict.\n",
      "i think silence is subjective; it can be saying what people want to hear while keeping everything you actually want to say quiet, it can be staying completely silent when your mind is the loudest thing ever, being a bystander. There are so many manifestations of silence and all of it is based on personal experience, but to me personally, silence is that feeling you get when you’re in a room full of people and you feel completely alone, when your mind is racing with thoughts to the point it becomes a numbing silence in your head. \n",
      "no noise/words, and having stony faces\n",
      "Silence is just being comfortable without distractions, which happens so rarely.\n",
      "Silence could mean reflection, just letting something sink in or truly giving space for words, actions, feelings expressed to be heard by you and others around you. \n",
      "the things I had a hard time saying to my mother \n",
      "Silence means keeping things within me when I know I shouldn't say it. \n",
      "No sound, absence of sound \n",
      "First there is a still clear silent lake. Nothing is changing. Millions of years it’s been like that. You drop a water, a drop of water, means it has to be a mass, suppose you drop a stone or a big drop of water, the whole lake will get disturbed. The silence of the lake will be broken. And it is going to keep on breaking the silence but if you’re at the bottom, hardly anything will happen to it, unless its so explosive, the silence cannot be broken. It is the bottom of the lake. Let’s reverse it for the human mind. Our human mind is fluttering like one drop, “Haye mere Baal kharab ho Gaye, haaye mera chehra aisa nahi hai, aare mere naak aisi nahi hai.” So we are all getting, the silence if being broken by our thought processes by our physical and external stimuli so much  unless you make it calm and quiet and go to the bottom then we can realize our own self. That is maha rishi’s perpetuity concept. Silence. \n",
      "Silence takes up space or the lack of space. It is a private space. what are you thinking about? Brains and thoughts that you don’t have access to. Today there is a total lack of boundaries. I appreciate boundaries. When I interview people I fill silences so people have time to think. You have to be socially adept to understand the power of silence. Take pauses and think before revealing the answers. Curating ourselves and experiences intentionally. As a way to be intentional and take back power. A private place to go to. \n",
      "power & intentionality. Deciding when and what I want to share means reclaiming power over my presence in a space. It's one of the most empowering things I can do for myself when I'm entering a space I feel uncomfortable in. Its an act of self care too to be able to not allow people access to your thoughts and words rather than feeling like we owe it to people to keep talking to make them comfortable, or to answer questions even if they feel intrusive. It also means being able to pause and think about what I want to say, which has a meditative aspect that forces me to slow down when I'm in an anxious spiral where I can't stop talking, and allows me to not say things I regret later.\n",
      "silence means chaos. it's hard for me to be silent because all my thoughts come flooding in. so really, it's my loudest moment.\n",
      "Quite literally the absence of noise; for someone who talks a lot it also sometimes correlates with a little but of uncomfortable moments. Silence for me personally is also thinking time; when I am not verbalising my thoughts and i come across as silent but i have so much running in my mind. \n",
      "Silence is ambiguous to me. It can both be concentration, collaboration and a sense of focusing on something to the extend that talking is unnecessary. It can be peaceful and with contentment. It’s often said that when you can be together in silence with someone else in silence, it’s really special. I would agree. On the other hand, I find silence oppressive at times; when I don’t know how to say certain things, when feelings are soaring around my body with no words. In those instances silence can be really difficult and frustrating.\n",
      "Things I skip to say, leaving it to be an awkward pause but skipping some moments of embarrassment \n",
      "Not communicating at all; revealing only partial information; not speaking up when necessary; not responding to someone's needs\n",
      "Silence for me has many meanings, and I would assign each of them a different color. For example, sometimes it's comforting to have its presence, this is when it comes from a place of understanding, I would tag it with an off-white color, whereas sometimes it puts you on a guilt trip when there is uncertainty, and lack of communication, so I would tag it with a dark shade of gray. \n",
      "\"Silence can have different meanings depending on the context. It can be a moment of tranquility, peace, and stillness, providing an opportunity for reflection, introspection, and relaxation. Silence can also be a form of respect, allowing others to express themselves without interruption or interference. It can be a way to listen actively, paying attention to others and the environment, fostering understanding and connection.\n",
      "On the other hand, silence can also signify discomfort, awkwardness, or tension in social situations, where unspoken emotions or thoughts may be present. It can represent a lack of communication or a breakdown in dialogue, potentially signifying misunderstandings or conflicts. Silence can also be associated with secrecy, reservation, or hidden emotions, where unexpressed thoughts or feelings may be kept concealed.\n",
      "To me silence is peace. To me silence is comfort. But at the same time, silence also means being silenced to me. To be stripped of the basic right of expressing yourself the way you deserve to. Silence to me is order and chaos all at once. At times all you need is silence to make sense of the chaos happening in and around you, and sometimes you need the same silence to be broken to ensue some much needed chaos. \n",
      "Silence means listening. Listening deepl so that I can find spaces to smile. \n",
      "Silence is a universal language. It is the liminal negative space that exists for the sublime to occur. \n",
      "Sometimes it's that crazy tension between two people, sometimes it's a calm environment where you feel safe, and sometimes it's loneliness.\n",
      "Silence is to not think\n",
      "It means being my truest version of myself\n",
      "Silence scares me a little because it can make me feel alone. At the same time, I feel that silence helps me become more centered and in tune with myself, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.\n",
      "\"Silence can be a way of fitting in. Of resting, not fighting a battle to be heard or understand. The relief of going unnoticed and not causing any friction. \n",
      "Sometimes it’s also comfortable, especially when experiencing a star lit night, the sea or just reading a book, doing our own things around other people. \"\n",
      "Not having an inner dialogue or having a thought. Having it be quiet around me. \n",
      "Quiet time to think, awkward moments in the air, pause before a blow out fight, scary movies\n",
      "Silence is stillness \n",
      "When you are engaged with nothing. Total zero space. No chattered with people. Meditative state. Focused on one singular thing. \n",
      "Negative space but also the thing that exists all around you. \n",
      "Stillness and calm \n",
      "Comfort and being in the interdependence. Learning about somebody through silent ways and how you can be. \n",
      "Silence is comfort and knowing how to love and being interdependent. \n",
      "Silence can be a choice, imposed, it's not passive. It's active always. There is no passivity in it, although by definition or by effect it seems passive, especially if you're intentional with your silence.  But then silence is also a gift, you're listening, you're processing. I don't think silence, I don't know what we're mapping, how the other end is, but whatever it is, the absence of noise to noise, I don't think one has weight over the other. I think that is situational. When silence is imposed, it can be imposed, it can be oppressive. When silence is imposed its imposed. When you aren't silent you have to think about volume, amplification and reach, and the dynamics of when you break silence, where does that go. What does silence look like? Is it a physical structure around you that is restricting you? Is it mental, because most of the time it is mental. Your silence is feeding the disorder itself, you're not feeding yourself, you're feeding it everytime you let it do. Self-inflicted silence is hard to grasp sometimes. \n",
      "Silence to me is the removal or void of sound\n",
      "Honestly I don't like too much of silence. I would link silence with meditation, focus or concentration. The meaning of silence has evolved over time. In childhood it was equivalent to \"calm before the storm\" . As I grew up, I understood that silence could also be comforting. And in my current life stage it is about peace of mind . \n",
      "Everything. I spend 80% of my day in silence and I have even chose to live in a property where I have access to a lot of silence. I dont like the hustle and noise on the roads and Im not big on travelling either. I like doing deep work and work can be anything. If you meet me, you wondnt call me an introvert and nor am I an introvert. Its just that I believe my thoughts are precious and I can only access the full potential of my thoughts when there is silence around.\n",
      "Silence is both a boon and a bane. It is the representation of both comfort and anger depending on who the person is. When by myself, silence is peaceful and like homecoming to me. \n",
      "Peace, rest, moments of introspection, the state of being alone and at times loneliness \n",
      "\"It means so many things and is not strictly auditory. And these things can be contradictory. For one, it can feel uncomfortable or peaceful. Or you can feel silence when you are in a loud locale. Personally, it’s most powerful when (1) nothing is interrupting my internal monologue, and (2) when this monologue is a peaceful, inspired, and creative. As is probably obvious, my dominant feelings about silence are positive. \n",
      "But when with other people it’s strange that silence can seem so hostile and awkward, and an anxiety stimulant. Or in other contexts, it can mean something detrimental-say, silencing voices that need to be heard.\"\n",
      "emptiness, the lack of something, almost hollow\n",
      "silence means being very peaceful and present and a quiet mind, I think being able to embrace silence is a really valuable skill in 2023 given how many mechanisms there are to avoid silence, and also it can be more of a \"state of mind\" rather than literal silence - for example I feel like I am able to have \"inner silence\" even on a busy subway or busy nyc street I silence the things I don’t think are acceptable to be said openly. I silence myself from saying things that I think might hurt people. I silence the part of myself that I think others might not relate to. \n",
      "There are so many parts of myself that i silence and i think it depends on who i am talking to. It changes from person to person, the person i am to family is not the same as the one i am to my friends, and this is a byproduct of silence the parts that need to be silenced when i am with certain groups of people. \n",
      "parts of myself that i am insecure about i hide. \n",
      "I'm thinking about the ways in which I perform in friendships and why I am silent about the ways in which I silence the things that aren't going well so I don't seem like the debby downer and don't bring down the group's vibe but I'm not being honest and truthful about how I am and I think it's a suffocating silence and one that feels very self-betraying. There's so much comfort with people you know but it also has so many learned boundaries over time that sometimes it feels easy to open up to a stranger in a way that you can't with a close friend because they might be involved or have passed judgement previously. It's taken me a long time to be comfortable in silence with anyone other than my partner/old roommates, but when it happens it's the best feeling.\n",
      "Silence for me represents the feeling of understanding. Having moved around and not always fit it, I used to be forced into being silent since no one would engage with me. This would manifest into anxiety and almost over corrective form of speaking, talking and engaging with others around yourself to make sure it is not you being rejected by them this time around. It can be very stressful and panic enduring to always have something to say, and also can come off as over sharing thinking back on it. Which is why silence with friends and partners can mean comfort for some as well! \n",
      "I never told my parents about my eating disorder \n",
      "I type up messages that I never press send on. When I miss someone I open up their old text messages and type up a message but never press send on it. \n",
      "I don't tell people things because I am worried about their judgment towards me \n",
      "I try to make my mind calm and quiet. What someone else says and does is not what I am looking for. \n",
      "People aren’t entitled to our thoughts and reactions and remove yourself from the situation \n",
      "I think silence can be a manipulative act (not in a bad way) between strangers, and a way to set boundaries. By choosing what we want to reveal and what we leave unsaid we paint a picture of how we want to be perceived. Those that know us can see through that barrier easily, those that don't can't. The things I leave unsaid between friends are either things I know they can infer without me saying anything, or as a preventative measure if there are things I know may hurt them. It's interesting to think about silence through generations. We do not have a lot of family history because nobody ever bothered to write it down or to pass down stories through generations, and so silence has erased the past in many ways, with each death a tidal wave that removes the footprints from the beach. That silence has made me work harder to fill in the blanks, with the scraps that I do know or through my imagination. My mother has always remained mysterious and elusive to me. She was a master of not revealing details, or casually saying things that carried a lot of weight, but doing it in passing as though what she said was nothing of importance at all. In turn I grew up to be a very chatty person, and a person that word vomits personal information in every conversation, and I think that maybe the reason I do this is to leave a bread crumb trail. Maybe I'm scared that my footprints will be washed away, or maybe I'm hoping someone will follow the breadcrumb trail right back to who I am at my core because I felt like I never got the chance to do that with my parents\n",
      "i silence my weaknesses. I don't share it unless I absolutely have to.\n",
      "I am definitely not a fan of silence; but I dont mean constant talk - even some white noise, the fan moving or even some traffic noises. With people around: sometimes silence is necessary but a lot of times it makes me feel more conscious.\n",
      "I think silences were the norm in previous generations. I have seen equations where things that were to be addressed were ignored and in turn just became emotional baggage that effects them years later. I think in the current generation its an active choice - when do I choose to be silent and when does it do me more harm - be it in personal equations or even when standing up for your values on the internet.\n",
      "I often silence my opinions or my wishes and needs. Maybe I don’t think they’re important. I don’t always do this, but it’s certainly a pattern. \n",
      "I think intrusive thoughts are left unsaid, sometimes confessed out of guilt; the idea of your identity and confusions around it, especially if you're on the LGBTQ+ spectrum\n",
      "People stay silence because of a number of reasons - fear of being judged; fear of the other person's reaction or inability to handle certain facts or truths; fear of offending someone or calling them out on something; staying silent in order to avoid conflict altogether;  \n",
      "People are naturally more likely to stay silent in situations involving unknown people they've just met since they are generally not aware of the person's background/are not sure of their opinions and values/don't want to offend them/would rather just avoid any possible conflict or disagreement. For people you've known for a long time, its much easier to open up and share without being judged; its easier to address issues that you might not be ok with; its easier to empathize and understand by speaking out.\n",
      "I have recently realized withdrawing from the everyday events of life. It's challenging to silence my thoughts, because that is an internal process, but I have found myself limiting interaction with people I like talking with, including my family members.\n",
      "Why do people hide parts of themselves? Maybe because they do not want to be judged based on a certain perception. This could be a phase, but having different opinions from multiple people is overwhelming at times.\n",
      "Sometimes I choose to silence my true emotions or thoughts when communicating with others. There are various situations when I chose to remain silent but the primary reason is usually a desire to avoid conflict. Sometimes it's just easier to not speak your mind and avoid confrontation. It's a matter of picking one's battles. This often happens with people I've known for longer, or older adults who might misinterpret my words/expression.\n",
      "When it comes to social situations, the things that are left unspoken to a stranger often stem from a desire to maintain personal boundaries and protect myself from being vulnerable. How much I reveal depends on the situation and I choose to remain silent if I feel that the conversation is getting too personal too fast.\n",
      "Silence can also be influenced by generational or cultural norms. In some cultures, silence may be valued as a form of respect, humility, or politeness, where individuals may choose to remain silent rather than express themselves openly. In other cases, silence may be a result of intergenerational patterns or societal conditioning, where certain topics or emotions are considered taboo or off-limits, and individuals may feel the need to suppress or hide certain aspects of themselves or their experiences.\n",
      "Understanding silence can be complex, as it requires interpreting non-verbal cues, context, and cultural nuances. Reading silence involves paying attention to body language, facial expressions, and other non-verbal cues to infer underlying emotions or thoughts. However, interpreting silence can also be subjective and may vary depending on individual perspectives and biases. \n",
      "The parts of myself that I silence aren't many, but they're significant. I silence my desires. I silence my dreams. I silence my fantasies. And I silence the opinion that if people knew these parts of me too, I'd be viewed in a totally different light than the one now. \n",
      "The dark parts of people, or the parts that others can take advantage of are the parts that are usually hidden by people in my experience. And I understand this clearly because this is something that I've been practising for a very long time now. Silence is many times the precaution that I prefer choosing over the cure. \n",
      "When you share a part of yourself with someone in conversation, you are silently inviting someone to open up to you and for people to get to know you better. \n",
      "I'm having troubles expressing my own needs & wants. Even I don't want to do something, I don't tell that to people. Or when I'm mad/sad about something or someone, I don't confront. Feelings grow inside me and I feel the weight on me. To answer the question, I would say that I'm silencing my emotions. \n",
      "i read a lot that we should sit in our feelings. The best thing a writer or any artist can do is sit in their feelings. It’s so easy to distract myself and think of things I should be doing and can be doing. But instead I should be working, dedicating time to the thing that I want to be remembered for. \n",
      "Humans crave community. They want companionship and people. I am a hugger. And a true hug, a true meaningful hug, I can’t remember the last time I received one. It’s so much easier to focus on what could bes. The community that you could have rather than focusin on the community that you have. I was wrecked by the pandemic. I see it now - in the remnants of the crystal clear broken glass. I have to rebuild myself, build myself into the person I want to be now, a year from now, 5 years from now. I feel trampled on \n",
      "I fundamentally changed the last few years and I don’t know who I am anymore or what I want anymore. It was cute when I was in high school or college. But now I just feel pathetic and lost. I don’t know who I am and I came to this conclusion too late. I was pushed into meeting hundreds of new people with whom I was this pseudo-half self and I saw my friends that I had being the self I used to be. Neither of these was who I am. Is who I am. And so it’s been so hard to not break or shatter because I’ve gone through this entire summer, the past year, with this idea of who I am and who I should be and the things I should want because that’s what people around me want. Everyone changed because of the pandemic - I know that. But how are they still while when I feel so broken? If we are a reflection of the people that we hangout with and if we are a reflection of the closest people that we surround ourselves with then who am I? Because lately I’ve been hanging out with just myself by design. And I am going a little crazy. I don’t know how to get out of that monotony. I look back at a lot of eras of my life and say “remember when I used to be friends with X ___” and hang out with Y? I don’t want to do that. I am worthy of loving. That is not the thing that is up for debate. The thing that is is my response to it. How do I respond to this and how do I move past this and how do salvage who I am? How do I figure that out? \n",
      "The people that are going to add value to your life will exist in your life regardless of what you do. You have to remember who is adding your \n",
      "Loneliness is hanging out with your friend and on a subway car filled with people. \n",
      "It can be my guilty pleasures, something that I don't want someone to know because of how they will perceive me. \n",
      "I silence the parts of myself that could be perceived as embarrassing, unlikable, or simply make me more vulnerable. I do this with everyone except for my closest loved ones. I think I hide these aspects of my personality to prevent myself from getting hurt. \n",
      "I guess I silence ideas i haven’t heard before, unsure of their consequences, their effects. Or thoughts that I feel another person wouldn’t understand. Sometimes, I don’t say things to people I’ve known for a long time because I’m afraid if they know how much I’ve changed (or not changed), they won’t like me anymore. Sometimes I don’t say something because i want to protect it without justifying it with arguments like I’m in a battle. It’s easier to say these things to a person i’ve just met (and who i likely may not meet again) because it takes some of the pressure off. We don’t know each other, we don’t owe each other, we care less about what the other person thinks of us. Recently (like this week!) I’ve discovered i can say these silencdd things to friends too, and they might understand or try to. \n",
      "Across generations, i think I just silence things that widens the generation gap, but occasionally chip away at the edge. I’m not very good at understanding through reading silence, not during conversations at least. It sticks with me though, and I keep hoping I would understand it next time. \n",
      "Fear of judgement or retaliation. I feel more comfortable talking about most things with people I've known for a while. A lot of things go unspoken around new people 1) because im naturally introverted 2) i may feel that its inappropriate to over share\n",
      "I used to silence myself and presented a version I’d like myself to be around friends. Not so much now. I normally don’t omit much between people I first meet or known for a while. My non existing filter has brought some laughs and some judgements (which I don’t think I cared after thinking about it for 5mins). I don’t like to but I silence my romantic relationship from my parents, and every time I wanted to share more I ended up remember why I silence it. I think my parent’s generation silence more than my generation. I don’t think I understand what it means for a product to read silence. If it’s figuring out things left unsaid, I think it’s better from a considerate perspective than spying on me. \n",
      "the part that I am worried due to judgment \n",
      " My silence is to the parts of myself that I don't like. I am editing the parts of me. One thing that is left unspoken is the intuitive feeling that every human being has to be happy, to love one another, and to feel good. Feel in a good state that good state feeling of when you are healthy. Feeling when your sense are responding to positive manner. It's a human experience. Any religion. Experiencing in bliss, that's silence. \n",
      "True love is silently reflects in your conversations. The feelings you feel everyday are all silent. What you feel in a relationship is what silently reflects itself onto the quality of the relationship you have with people.\n",
      "its about how to learn each others behaviors in a comfortable way because I observe strangers when I am on the subway which is noisy and stuff but as long as we are not communicating with each other I can observe them. Is that the main thing or is silence the main thing? Another thing I thought of was the James Terrell room in MoMa PS1. He dug out a hole in the ceiling, a room with a hole in the sky, they jus look at the sky and its very silent inside, people are very conscious of their voice in that space. That is another space where silence is created and there is also comfort but of course more functional space where there is silence is like a church, where its absolutely silent but you need to be silent out of respect. SO I think the question is, what is essentially the silent represent? Silence itself as a subject or silence as the nonverbal communication that they have, or the feelings that people have when they are in silent space with other people. \n",
      " both like church and James Turrell room a lot. Church is sharing a respectfulness or something and feel that other people are being accountable. James Terrell, its more like a meditation. I just generally like silence.\n",
      "Silent dialog. To me, that’s what keeps coming up, less about erasure and more about what happens in silent spaces. This unspoken or what is not verbalized, or made tangible in a silent space. Turrell and church is interesting. When I went to Turrell, we understood what was happening and being very quiet. When church, I go with other people, I am stressed about them not being quiet, I am ok being quiet, but I am worried they will not be quiet and be disrespectful. That is an interesting distinction. How do you create a space that is void of obligation but sets a tone and sets rule. The Turrell room doesn’t have rooms but does. But it also kind of does. \n",
      "With eating disorders specifically, it was a very secretive disorder. If you tell someone else about it, then you are betraying that disorder and the hold it has on your mind. It's like a leech in your mind. That's why talking about it and sharing your experience is very important. That dynamic can be mapped to mental health where people are silently suffering and we can ask why but especially when we are dealing with family trauma. A lot of my silence comes from my trauma is not as bad as someone else's trauma so it doesn't really matter. What I am going through is not as bad as someone else is going so it doesn't really matter. It's putting it on myself too. \n",
      "Breaking up silence in trauma family cycles is not something that we feel like it is our job but it is. That's when the bystander effect comes in that someone else will take care of it. What happens when everyone says that? So when you instantiate the bystander effect, silence is perpetuated and normalized but you have to take it into your hands especially in family because when you rbeak cycles, its because you're saying something and it requires you to break silence because silence is what continues the cycles. It continues on what happens when you break the silence because a lot of the times we are complacent about building after we take the first step. We've done enough when we've brought it up but I think we have to remember to keep breaking the silence because that's what normalizes the opening of the line of communication. \n",
      "I am a huge proponent of not wasting words. I have been surrounded by so many useless words that I have made it a point to be intention with the words that we use. materializing words can help, do other things. as a human organism on the planet, we need to take into consideration, the words that we use. I am a visual learner, we are not taking visual communication into being, silent films are so effective because of physical language, not just oral and written communications. words as communication then physical. my rules are to not hear what they say but watch we do. words are the container of the actions we do. When you take action we're breaking silence. silence is not passive. opening up lines of communication in family - strengthens in any dynamic, because I think that strengthens any dynamic, like clear communication. in my longest relationships, we have broken our silence and opened those lines of communications to then continue to live together. we have built a relationship that is sustainable and pleasant. that's what strengthens relationships. if you never break the silence then you are perpetuating the frustrations. thats human to human situation too you ought to seek or want to understand other perspectives. that's where your silence is active in listening and act of processing and understanding another perspective. \n",
      "I think a lot of people are suffering in silence because they are not extending themselves to others. a lot of people don't find community because they think their perspective doesn't matter. silence is the sharing of your self.\n",
      "I silence my opinions often because I'm afraid to be wrong or for others to perceive me in a negative way. I silence my honesty sometimes because I want others to view me in a positive light. I silence my opinions because that's what I was taught to do. But sometimes, I stay silent because I am comfortable. I silence myself because I want to learn more about the people around me. I am silent so I can empathize and console. \n",
      "I believe in clear communication. I never silence my feelings with people I am close to. The moment I sense some discomfort or negativity with a peer, colleagues or anyone not close enough then I try to maintain distance and go silent. \n",
      "I think people don't express enough gratitude for having each other.\n",
      "I'm guessing thats called diplomacy, fortunately or unfortunately I am unable to do that.\n",
      "I'm not sure,will ponder upon it more....\n",
      "Again, depending on the person or environment, I choose to silence the bolder (as perceived by society) thoughts of mine. I usually silence parts of me which i feel will not be understood by the other. It's also an indication of defeat if I choose silence after attempts at communicating. In my personal experience, silence has been an alternating characteristic in the sense that, someone with loud parents has gone on to become quieter and then their kids seem to be loud/extroverted yet sensitive again.\n",
      " I silence the parts of myself that make others uncomfortable. I silence what is weird, not mainstream, etc. I silence my pain and overwhelming emptions\n",
      "I use silence to hide a lot of flaws about myself from the world. I believe hide parts of ourselves in fear of social rejection but also this can minimize the joy we experience. And may prevent us from being vulnerable, and connecting with other people on a deep emotional plane. I think this generation is becoming more vocal in many ways, especially through the destigmatization of therapy and talking about our personal struggles. There are so many strange anxieties I have developed throughout my life due to this silencing of cultural “taboos”. \n",
      "I think that silence can be looked at in so many ways, both as a powerful tool and a deafening obstacle. It is defined by the context that it’s in - Silence between friends or lovers is comfortable meanwhile silence at dinner with your family is tense. In conversation, especially amongst strangers, the words we silence are topics that make people around us generally uncomfortable. As social creatures, we lean towards acceptance and that makes sense. But, amongst friends there is a known level of comfort and I think that silence still exists here - it just takes the form of silence in different topics, emotions, and you silence what you are uncomfortable saying. In the end, I guess my silence is led by how comfortable I feel in an environment. \n",
      "Different cultures and places around the world carry different views - this affects the way that silence seeps through us. We learn through what we hear, which is a product of our environment. With the emergence or social media, I think that there will be less silence where it matters and words will be heard and generational silencing around stigmatized topics will reduce. \n",
      "People try not to offend people/ are constantly reading situations and reading the \"vibe\" of the conversation to see how much of them they can reveal. I think meeting someone new I'm a lot more hyper aware of nuances in the conversation and am more filtered vs I'm more relaxed with older friends or if ive gone through some kind of defining experience w a newer friend \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(conversations)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "ec1c0bc1",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 2: Splitting the two separate pieces of text into a list of words"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 86,
   "id": "25f3376a",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "journal_words = journal.split()\n",
    "conversations_words = conversations.split()"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "d0e4f5a3",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 3.1: Removing the words of the conversation from the journal "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 96,
   "id": "342d6abf",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      " Life                 happened       middle       Instagram  pictures.                 happened              remember.  Sadness     anxieity  hangs  heavy                  happiness.               wish       lifetime         seconds                                              moment,            changes,              again,  transported                             happy.                      pictures      —                heaviest  —    senior                                  lightest                                  soul     uplifted,               floating.                    did  —   floated                        happy.           unbearable  lightness                        year.       2021                  happy.                                              smile      face                  Yknow    wasn’t  until  yesterday        hit              ignoring              freezing                             Kaavya,            broke     snap  streak,    calls,                                     space,                                                        yknow               solid  friendship      shouldn’t           apparently                       health,                    fuck  happened              freezing                                 overdrive           out-of-body                typing                   don’t.                         fast      head                     speed    painfully,  crucially  slow.            overdrive     flashing  images  run                Life  Life  itself:                                    remember.        point,  shouldn’t                 different?  Shouldn’t             affected                                younger?  Shouldn’t           settled                     going?  After       did               isolated         group            unwilling    partake                 smaller       group.   did        myself.  Then             sad?  Then             mad?                FOMO?      willingness    put     charade.  Put         walls                         fortress?  Addendum:  January  22,  2022  @3:51pm                                                 grow?                                                                        brain       accept                 changed.                     brain       accept                      brain       accept                    mirror               brown  eyes                   bit  darker         bit  shrouded       fire  resembling            thirst  quenched      answers             guilty.                                    struggle.             privilege  —      cars     drivers     extra  help.                 roof        head         worry                  meal          from.              sense,       top  20%.     privileged                        —      earn     themselves,          family.          guilty.  Like            claim       Like       lost  touch      reality.  Like       lost              sad.  Like                        depressed     contemplate  suicide.  Like  privilege                   happiness.                 comment              shave  sad                             week                3  months      week  ago.  Can    please  please  please         already?   honestly                April  11th.                           then.         trying               —              research  assistant                           bat  hired    ux  researchers?                         masters           bachelors?                               experience?        quit  tomorrow                      there’s   difference.                                    Like            bonkers  mad.                 4  days.     glad   didn’t  quit.               day.  Day  5.                           AC            home.         easy.                     complaining                       complain             front.    energy                  efficiently.        struggle,       wheelers          backseat    autos,  walking  miles     kilometers              destination.                  money                               waste             otherw            waste      obsessing                     waste      tv.         gave        future.  Don’t   already       launching  pad     success?              it?  Does  wishing                                        person?            justifiable?      justifiable?    ghosting   justifiable  reason?  Was   mad?  Was   hurt?  Yes,  yes   was.                friendship      mattered     apparently    didn’t.        turned  2             against         problem                  real        somehow      problem      problem.  Somehow             yell          cry                       fuck   did  wrong.                didn’t  give          breathe.     didn’t  respect        hate              seeing    sooner.        struggle      relationships      lovers.   struggle                                       Fake  bitches  ain’t         more.  I’ll  roast         I’ll       cheer        Stay            bitch                       show      front                           kill        hurts                               terms                  hurts.                                 great              isn’t              her           pain.                    for?  Does                person?  Observation     scene  begins                      R  uptown              Cartland’s  street.          destination                             pet                          approximately  27              platform       begin    1:42.              2  trains  here,      headed           direction,             stops.     decide    begin      Look         headphones.         you’ve        forgettable        you’ve  lost     airpod.       put          intentionally                     sounds               begin      playlist.         1:44pm.                           platform  •   dad      daughter  play  slide  •   man  complaining          train    his  wife  •  Two         chatting     one’s  leg  moves       beat  1:45pn  •  train  arrives  •  More                 leave.     30                  train                                   practically  •                     man  complaining    his  wife      phone            •            feet            rhythmically  tap        nervous?  Friends                  phones  collectively  •  City  hall  station  •          lady       door          book  •  1        leaves,  1  enters  1:48pm  •  12  actively  scroll         phone  •                    observing     count                    doing?  •          center       train  car.  23             •    approach  canal  street.          girls       black  coat      her  phone         looks    her                 fixing  herself.  •     lady         book                  focuses    wearing  her  coats.  •                                           10  entered.  We’re    30              car.  Only          phone  •   young  couple         •         Song  changes,  train  lurches,        looses  balance       beat       drums  •     lady      book                      did     1:53pm  •         stares      •                        1:54pn  •  Union  square  •  Announcements  •  Many             weMte        15  •               cozied    •  Movement             facilitates     music  •                                 exit  moves       feet                   side         feet                meant                didn’t                       for?  Still       R  Both                 began      journey                              must      going.  1:57pm  1:59pm  •  herald  square      •        sit,  sleep  against                railings  •  Share           phones            abyss  2:05pn  Intermission.     decide          Dow  gown  train.  Get       Q.                 14th  2:45                train          2         huddled         phone   woman       book         staring    phones  Subway  music?  Stand       ping          shuffle    steady       train  lurches  forward  Train  held    we’re  paused  About  15           man          sits         nervous    ticks  Woman             book  aside                                        Two             napping  Symmetry  Waiting  2:58pn  You’re        cirtlabdr.                          started                    water  Beeping               Able  meltinf     pipes  leaking             ob  ‘this  side       empty  platfor     hate    admit  it-        drink                                              6  drinks.  6  shots    straight    vodka      precise.          beers.        hate  beer  anyway  Beer           fuckboys  drink.        head,                                                        fuzzy  glow  Around                 at.                        heaven.                  After      sixth  shot--  \"Am     heaven  now?\"  Everything       lighter         lighter.             confident.      weird           sass  Comes  back.     alter  ego               Mind    unleashed.     looks                               more.     nod  heads.  Hug         Dance              give   shit.          moves             Think    rhythm.                        Talking          brings     Back       bar     another.  Seven.          seventh  shot.            buzz          body.      warming.      confident.     fuckboy    front                            care.     nod       he            his  frat.  Eight.          eight.  Eight        limit.         peak.                  boy                                                      trashier  More  drunk  Dancing     singing                friends--                                  sadness      happy    Terrible.         sadness      drunk    Worse.    propels         depression.                                   head      no,  Enjoy     buzz.  Keep   grip.      heart      Nine.      heart      test     waters  Nine.  Ten.  Eleven.     jump  head              chatter,        sing.                 alcoholic.         buzzed           aren't.    took  Eleven  shots.                                bother         boy    front       stops  talking.                  person.               envelopes            hate      need.                                            how-  Enveloping                     else--   fuckboy.  Twelve.          twelfth    forget.                    magical  seeing         sing  live.                          concert  junkies.                watched  Troye  Sivan      tonight.                        overwhelmed           cry              song.   took  4  videos            done.            magic               moment,  dancing         songs           return.                endless  concerts.        endless  jam  sessions.        rooftops     quads  Looking       stars     city  lights           blue  mix         Dark  black  trees        reflections         water     waiting                                           waiting        cloudless  Seattle          rooftops     quads           waiting          turns           shades    blue           planes            smoke     stars  illuminate            won't  wait  forever               Seattle,  Cloudless  blue  skies  Don't              drink                                                       shot              yourself?        tastes                     easily.its      drug             inhibit         stupid               drunk--  Facebook                          different.                                                      independence                    hope                              1am  vodka  shots     easily                throat               chaser  Bright  red  solo  cups     dimly         More  jungle  juice  More  beer  More  weed      everywhere   slip       corner                                                    3am      crawl      bed            plain,                 Anything  fun.    hurts             alter  ego  wants  more.                      smoke  Coming             nostrils                          drunk         terrible      choices                        laugh    stupid                       fun                                      Conversation               fine             Pretend  hate     actual  hate.        forget                     forget     fragile          are.     tired                           worry.              worry                             pick-me-ups                           Alcohol                                           deadly  cycle         drugs     toxic                     walked      road   Thousand       before.        done.           done.               over.           lifetime          end.    hurts            breathe.       walked      tightrope                                   count                      bus    Bangalore  city.       sat      auto   handful                    walked  kilometers           destination.          privilege    India.  Where                         pick            Where   driver  wasn’t   novel,     sitting                       somewhere.  Where                    money                parents.  Where                            bit                                  bank.  Where   teetered       edge    upper  middle  class     middle  class    firmly  settle         upper  middle  class.  Where  spending                        normal.  Where      privilege     car,    air                driver,   helper,       crossed              angry.          lunch  table                     driver?       lunch                     Hindi?  Ever        started  working                                                 beyond    control.  Yes        driver.  Realistically,       spending        him                 cab  fare.    mom     help                         pain.        hve    pay     him           dad        fucking  lived           country     English    t  Knowing  things--that's                most.          instinct        what's                            confide                                           yourself.     hate                                                  hurts                   Somewhere  along     way,     lost          lost      confidence               fly       wall.                                                                                                                                          changed.   hope                              realization                   slotted           hits      Like             kid  playing            blocks                         fail  again  until            tears  eyes,                                front                                                                                                                                               changed.   hope                              realization                   slotted           hits      Like             kid  playing            blocks                         fail  again  until            tears  eyes,                                front       Corrected          corrected  twice  today:  1  Dirty        women       tinder  swindler.              isn’t  dirty  pain,      clean            dirty                                               denial.  Some                     clean      2  Seattle             culture     america  started       east  coast.  History  isn’t  culture               history.                         l,     land    rich                           isn’t       history,    historical  significant          happened                   talked  about.        Native  American             let’s              let’s  cherish    more.     culture       today           sleepy.                    culture.    museums     dinners       starts       lump        throat  until       burning        stomach.     cry            sleep,             visibly  shaking.  Someone      sleeps                                                          going.                        clouds            sun  filters,     stand       roof                breathe.                    going.     haven't              while,     haven't  battled     dungeon                   known.     ache.                      aching.             happier,           sudden             push     away.                      wanted.                                    someone.         play             Starts     show                              seeing?  What’s              potato  chip.                         Then                                                                        okay                    did     shadows            entertaining       point?  Who                     extends       connections                            under      skin  easily.                      wanted.        hate     Jen  hates             Jenny.  Jenny                  \"Jen      sounds        classier,\"     says.            respond,  \"and  older.\"     gives        look.  Every  Time,         same.      routine.     routine                       night    black                  demons       ___________   hope                              1am  vodka  shots     easily                throat               chaser  Bright  red  solo  cups     dimly         More  jungle  juice  More  beer  More  weed      everywhere   slip       corner                                                ______________            sleep       smile      face,  Moon  shaped  smiles     stars      eyes.  _____________   watched     rain  fall       window  pane.   fell                                  droplets  trickled         glass  window.                   magical          rain.                         walking        Seattle  rain      week;            ray    sunlight.           sad                      weather  says.              weather;   cry         clouds     laugh  twith     sun,  sleep         stars     dream         moon.                                  he      week           walking              rain,  _______________  Flying         country                beautiful               took  off,    rapidly  approached     darkness.  Running                    Somewhere  near                 started        Flying               clouds,                                  stand       clouds                 cartoons.              side       sun  rises         horizon,  kissing     cloud           warm  glow,          side      shadow       darkness.     perfectly                               sun     moon.     sun  kissed     clouds        clouds  refused    give         clouds  turned   beautiful  pink.       sun  rose,    reflected         blue  skin        orange  glow         sprinkle  Clouds  seemed         roads.                Isn't  snow      chunks    cloud  falling         sky?  _______________     sand  slipped           fingers.  Midway    started  flowing  upwards           magnet     placed  above             magnet  wasn't  strong                          mystical  pieces    sand          attracted        clinged       ceiling       magical  hold.  Find  Yet,  grains    sand       vast     deep.                   countless.                 blue  pigmented  sand     trap        hourglass,      forever  yours             down,     sand        sapphire,      gem.                              wish         Watch     sand  fall                beautiful  shape                  magnet          under        shape                _______________                    sinfully  mystical                       night.                                              week  ago          walked                dozen                 oddest  hours       night.                              12am     cloud     sunny  Seattle  day,   couldn't  muster     courage    cross     road.       j  walked           crossings   100                      different.                 Everything     sketchier     uglier.     walk       didn't  give       adrenaline  boost                                     skipped  class     this.                                 ____________  Money  here’s               money:                           irrevocably  explain  key  facets        identity.            nothing,      pay  check    pay  check,              happiness                      money  isn’t                               Secondly,          disproportionate  amount                   money                      worth                        buying      visibly  material     expensive                        smaller  payments      excessive  grocery  shopping     wastage    food,  buying  $18  books,  developing  $20  film.  These                                      at.                                                  such                                           lavish  luxuries        necessities    live.          weekend                      sensed  major                                   expensive  restaurants.       food                                                 worth  spending  money     Yet,      fleeting,                          hence         corollary      expensive  lifestyle                 expense     budget  lifestyle.             money  shopping    developing  film    groceries.                     spending                   curated  dining                       happiness.                      budget           woman    well?          3  types               suspended                              home                                                    monotonous  Routine        tired.  Tired    this.  Tired       iron  grip                        'How                  fears?'               mean.      Mean,  'How                dogs     heights.                                        it?\"                           Deepest     darkest  fears.                         Up    night.     trust        Don't        know.     strong.                                                  know.                           Frantically,  worried,                                  Except                    Can't           cut     call.                   her  Character      bitch      story.  Stories               real       Honey,                     bitch                     brand  names        Kendrick     Arctic  Monkeys             name                              guy          Chad      Sigma  Apple  Pie                clothes      thrift  stores    coffee      unbranded  cups     artists     sell       music          corners     did     leave?   wish                      friendship  surveys   reminder        yes           friendship                  burdened          did     leave?                                       obviously                                                                                                                           common  denominator     trust         tried                  equation                  fall                            easily  Far             fall                                            fall                    bare    soul                     threaten    rip           heart           ~   hate  money,   hate              brings          hate     talk,   hate     assumptions.                 assumptions     necessary.                             profile                                                    Being      home                             week,            turning  toxic.  Both,  work,        city.            home,                                                   finally  missing                tough               interaction,                          media  feeds                                      lazy                     up.           job,                started.       tired         profiled     “rich”     “priveleged”  kid.  Rather                                learning,                                        problem.               wedge.     tired       traffic,     tired                                honesty,     tired    sitting       bench.     tired       assumptions          incapable                   assumptions.       incapable         change.       incapable              heard.       stifled.                                —       exception?  Like     pampered     much?                    lived  lives  far      privileged      mine,            it?  Do          ashaamed?  Am                                 standout           should?  Should                                       way?              them,            privileged?  Do             interact                 put                          reflect         privilege?              it?  How?            whether         impending  admissions  results       fact                  4  months     (almost  5)       fact                                              anxiety,            questioning                         ok.               best.        pit      stomach       yesterday,                4       ago,       lonely,                             depresssed.                                       despair        depressed       dictionary  definiton         terms.  Despair,  Depressed,     Desperate.     itching     change.        Krishna                             ways.        sad             home.  Hell,                                Something      craving.         put                              pieces     publication.     so,                                                     teach    something.    help                         desperate                              academia         Working                      academia                                      academic  research.                 easily.           growing          mum.                 \"Darling,             less.\"  notes    fluency     ability                        skilled  dexterity       breadth    vocabulary.              calling,  owning,     commanding       language;                “native”  (defined    origin,  history,  generational)     person.           autonomy     ownership                       inculcating  inclusivity     assimilation         person.       fluency    accompanied          recall                    rely    extensive  description    relay     message;         approach    learning    string                    correct              description      elicits                native  speaker.       tired,  Tired               everything.  Last  night     fun.      them,            anxiety.                       expectations.                                        carving     paths                  trample             person.                            happened          barely           co-exist.    barely  talk.                                                   tried  talking.     shot    down.  Enjoy                                                          done.  7:40pm;  walking                            introspective                    earphones     walking  around,               what’s                                          such       character       middle     major      crisis.     well,                             empty     scared.  So.  Scared.                                        New  York,                                                                                                    needed.     somehow                                          hve                things?        safe    trusting  people?      happy        myself?     happy             promise      Everything         done,          gave           vital  thing:    gave                                                                gave                                         myself.    job,                                      saved       gave    purpose               live.    gave                         sad    leave.   wasn’t                   ago.           laying       floor      bathroom                  ago  wishing    milk  myself.               lie,                                job,    family,                  overseas        alive.     ready    jump              chapter                          ready.              holding        here.         holding    back.                  back.                                aimless                              weekends.           workaholics  become?    workaholic        motivated                                      fight           difficult.             finding                              New  York.          it?  Lake  Have                lake?                          birds     ducks     duck          hours     wish    everyday.   hate           lie                  straight                        unhappy.      terrible        wish          s  Lately   dinners  Lately               dinners.      brunch  girl            through.  Breakfast                    favorite  meal            child.          woke       late     didn’t             breakfasts        breakfast     lunch          seemed                       breakfast  food  kick   waffles,  pancakes,  brioche,  EGGS.  Brunch       brunch      favorite  meal.  Add         drinking                     respectable                          9pm                                           great        meals.                  conversations,     intimacy,         flare         sophisticated  approach          Lately  peripheral                                                                     circumstance.                  friends?            we’re          pandemic?  Well    depression      back.  Full     r         weird  anti        funk        hate                tho    h          pretty  great.      fucjing  existential  dread!      morning       hallucination  ……..       killing  myself.                                        kitchen     pick     knife     slit    wrist.                 deal                                             days                                               replying    calls            hunt        Probably      kaavya    bhaiya         Erica                           planned            long.        planned            graduating  college,            living    adult                    struggle            much.                     adult                                                   here.    k      tkt    fun                         south.                          sinking.                                come.            done.   m         important                                  thousand       before.               means.        done,           treated      this.                        long,              crying       inside.     done.  April  9th  2016,  3:55  AM                       realized.              living                                              everyday.   remind                                              rare  4    musings.             living    mine,     mine                      laugh      videos                                                     rely                                   myself.                              enough.                           ache      chest                scream                         times,            remind           enough.         remind                                             world,                                       push      happiness         short  bursts                          get.     pit      stomach               heart  clenches                   road                         picked             fall  again       stand    again?   hate            but,                           affect                should.              them-              all,              friend,                    sea.     treat         bystander,   placeholder,                           days,     ones    laugh          movies,     happier.                toxic.                     Bring    down.         army           family,        bulldoze        bullets.         quits                                     start  cutting  ties,            start             you--                    anxious.                      honey,               unoriginal                 met.                                     heart.             clone                       with.         change,  Change                    meet.       great                                             them,             are.               are.  Nobody                         then,                  in?           stand  for?             didn’t                  didn’t                           realize,                     know.                               darling,                         asked        okay,                             did.         small  talk,      hate  small  talk.          didn’t                                 talked                future                    kids,                 change         Stop  telling                             boy        20  minutes  ago  Are      “thing”,   laughed  internally.  Internally             great  friend,                  shoulder          cry                        cry.               phone       try,  Try                  shitty  day.     treat         blank  page,                                          Believe                     clouds  parting        sun.                couple    minutes  Amidst      Seattle  rain.            wishing    stars,     Knocking    wood.                               kindness.                             difference.                                     run--faster              could--  Towards             wasn’t  smart.  Sure,   laugh                                   sport                                    shit    me-  Especially                     dealt                        life,                      standing.      intend             strong--                stronger       end.  Don’t  laugh              dumb,                    grades                          give   shit                      “practicality”                                            about.  You’re  right,           smartest           there.                                      ambition                    mother.                       look,            wilder         Don’t  laugh                                  hater.       spent                                       said.       tried    win  approval          realize,              important                important                                      far     long.        tired          paper  clip    paper                   competition,        entered.                  did,          saying,  “I    out.”               shy          Telling              manage                give                   learning     to--  Starting                                toxicity.  Stick,  stuck,  sticking--   hate     variations.  Sticks,         twigs   threw           ones     held       flat        palm,  Grazing      fingers  along     rough  edges.  Twigs,     crushed      one-by-one,  Leaving  ashes     cloudy  smoke            face,      laughter  ringing       forests.           laugh,  Through    sadness     pain.                 stick,  Stick           rushed      throngs                            stuck,  Next               scared.  Stuck,                     felt,  That’s               of.                 easy,       truth,  Pearls     stuck    oysters,  till  oysters  break.                  oyster,          sea.  Pearls,                    lined    mum’s  neck                  father.                         twirl                happy.       father  left,         him  he  took     pearls,    broke     oyster.         resented  him     it--           turning      him.                   sticking,  Being  stuck                          more.   wish                    easy,                 he      through,            walked              Sticking,   wish        stuck      day,        chocolate  fondue            strawberry,  Only       tyres  didn’t  skid       grease,  Only      brother’s     hadn’t  crashed         woods.  Only    trees  dropped            cars  ran           Instead,    brother     crushed  under                fallen  trees.    didn’t  stick,            easily        father.              thread,   watched          change              watched              frailer       day.   watched  her  until     wasn’t  here.                    here.                                                  stuck         was.        left,  Left        stuck                          woods.                       throw                        stuck                              stuck                                       throwing                         fondue          driving            woods.      fell,  Fell         rabbit          couldn’t         longer.  Alice  didn’t      her  wonderland              Instead,   took  solace                         stayed     however       did.         throwing                                 okay.  Watching           bounce         arm  meant              leave.              day,                      less.           go,                    pour     morphine        throat     didn’t                       didn’t          stuck                                            broke        ago—  Crushed            strength             trees  did      brother        did              threw                 playing    playgrounds     child,  Playing         coarse  yellow  sand,     swings        red  slides.                            yellow  dress—          mum  insisted   wear,         hated       burning  passion.                complimented—  Saying         effortless     fun.                 happiness--     feather  light,  carelessness             slowly,  leaves  fell      trees,  Only      replaced       ones--      watched      fall          favourite  park,  Watching     temporality    yellow  leaves     fall  day.  Year                                               tree  change  color—                humdrum    life,         favourite           park    safe  haven—  From             accumulated            364  days.     brightness     warm     yellow  sun,         replaced           grey  clouds.                   plan    outfits,  Think          comments        posting   picture,                                 364  days                   caught           glow      screen,  Than     yellow  coarse  sand     grown    playing  with.      seventeen,                      shots                       remember.  While      trying    drown    pseudo  misery,    drunken                          memory--       carelessness,     feather                               room,            craved      fuzzy  yellow  glow            Like                    didn’t.     so,   asked  someone—          night                Van  Gogh.  Van  Gogh  ate  yellow              yellow       color    happiness,               he             kill  him,  Van  Gogh  thought,                   him  happy       inside.  Through  fragments    careless,           memories,                                easy—     we,  humans,                        bit     chore         pressures                              not.     so,         morning,  Nursing   raging  hangover-induced  headache,   painted        yellow--           sun               room.  Van  Gogh  ate  yellow         he                     he             art             appreciated     loved.  Van  Gogh  ate  yellow         he         accepted        he  was,   eat  mine            paper  clip       paper           sitting  around,       dark,                heartbeats,               urge        people--         calm--like     blue  empty  skies--                thunderstorm    coming,                accepted       feather       carelessness.  Yellow                       sign    happiness,  Almost         Van  Gogh  story      metaphor                 replaced    dress     yellow  rain  boots,       lighter                   attached      symbol        grounded    reality—         knew,     happiness               Were         temporary  yellow  fall  leaves.                  magical               enters   room--       sharp  spotlight.  Almost                    air  particles  dancing       sunlight,                   shadows               canvas.                  magical                                                             blue     stopped  replying      texts                      head       wasn’t     it?             believed               surrounding              positivity             sunshine    rainy  Seattle  days                                           don’t.     turned                                                                                                                                  reply                                     jokes                                                              stayed  awake              hope              remind                                                               fucking  hate                                                                                                        sunshine                                                  blue     stopped  replying      texts                      head       wasn’t     it?             believed               surrounding              positivity             sunshine    rainy  Seattle  days                                           don’t.     turned                                                                                                                                  reply                                     jokes                                                              stayed  awake              hope              remind                                                               fucking  hate                                                                                                        sunshine              apparently          novelty         single    college—especially  Spring  quarter.             if,        couples               hiding                              quad,    Red  Square.            holding                sign    PDA.                            single       greatest                      of.                                    (even       on-and-off)       fall  quarter,         tired       seasonal                            independence.  Then                        sex-crazed                  tied  down.                                 category        single,  barely      kissed,  girl         wants   relationship.  Who      wants                              company.        asking     much,     apparently                                  up.  Relationships             priority        school.                                                  college—lots    boys,  lots    alcohol     lots    fun.  Honestly,  college         fun                              2.0.  Except                         relationship.                months       quarter             4      months    vacations.  What’s  worse                                    boys               universe  tells     boys     knows           currently  single                 soon.                  s              sh            primed     ready    parade                      boys,     sh                                                                                            boy.        fell            her                      her         cliche.  Apparently     asking                               boy                          glow       horizon,        pinkish  hue      mixes         yellow  accents.     color  dips       blue,         vast  blue      skies.             blue         sun    orange                                           That’s              crosses    head                                                      college                                           dropped       hurts                                                             took                                  again        baffled.     funny                                             forget                                    cherished                                                 asked              heart    full.   forget                               loving                   waiting          approval                            here.  Yet  somehow       questioning    worth       strength.                                 days.   stand  here,                  auicide        knife               wrist                 took                 here.                forget    cherish                     society  tells                                      hate                               forget    remind                       long.           nature    compete,        born    survive.    started         monkeys                   better,  walk  straighter.                    human.       sad.     sitting              exam          sad.                  living                                                                              remind                        vital                                      wanted.             bit    poems     prose--                      epiphanies.  (everything        original            explicitly  stated  otherwise).  More  aesthetic  Instagram:  meghagoel9704  .1--  poetry    motion   wrote                   blowout                         missed  buses     trains.  #poetry  #poet  Everyday          week   haven't  gotten    bed           sun  rose.       watched             days    sun  hit     ground,       watched         ink  blue  skies      cerulean.       watched          streets    4am             scurrying     honking  mess    8am,       watched     night  wane       moon                      disappears         brightness    day.                    nocturnal,       raged  against     dying                     week         horrible                 From     shooting    Orlando       mass  execution    Cameroon       shootings    Syria     Iraq.               violence       world--  terrorism         everyday.           tough  week,           tough         humans          tough                     sight.             terrorism    on?             humans      repeating         mistakes?  All           hope                  day,                                    Ps:         sanity,       google  'list    terrorist  incidents      year'.    talked       shoulders—        perfect  girl      unconscious        internet                      skin           consciousness            society      girls           shoulders         bare  shoulders       sign    sexuality—     baby      kiss           fuck  society       started  college      international  student  4       ago,  college                                passions.          tells                 public        meant  applying        major.   hated  science       passion  until            UW          Home       iSchool.           technology     writing                 beautiful                computer                                      important  passion—humanity.  Through       4            fallen                                      stood        taller      ever.          terrified           future  holds                excited                                                   4                                         unrest           understatement                           worse.                                             again,           would.                   2  tassels      cap.   lay                doormat  expecting          treat           treat                     horrible                expecting?  Ready             music  Lets  converse               embarrassed     hiding    face  Tell                                                  Don't  worry          properly              u    suffer       Last  thing,                    eat      he      play      music     pretty                        Death  Seems    appealing.  Everything                       dead.  You’re                       Hell      serial  killers                  pulled  apart      trace    goodness.          alive      difficult.              live?    cause      pain?    cause  small      everyday?                       dive         cause        pain.  It’ll  heal.  Someone  once                                 worked              stung                       right.      afar     re-think                                   story                               align                       Yet               situation,   run                       vulnerability.       water          forests,          whizzing       windy  road,       8  miles    hikes     24  hours    memories                      calmness.       lived           moment,                Good  Vibes  Spotify  playlist,     hearts  beat  separately        minds          Cutoff         world,              returned      refreshed.     once    wasn’t               didn’t            instead,                                      immense  possibility     similar  future  adventure.      excitement          forward.    untouched                   Pacific  Northwest  Beauty.  Off-roading         trodden  trails,       stumps  fallen         moss  grown                  encounter     stumps            flat                                      walk  there.              stand          reminders                         land  —      sad     thin  leaning           thicker  stumps,  trees      rings          count                  stupid                  reminder,      sad      rude  awakenings                                                                           cousins       bid      farewell,             visitor       land           stood  proud     tall,           lay       seed         give  birth    future  trees.     clouds  skirted  above           wafting         trees     Do                        head                                                             left,     jobs                   jobs                    sheer  intensity    nature     walking             mad                  thick  forest.                today.  0.25  miles       hike,            couldn’t  breathe,    heart  constricted,                         die,          started                              July,                                                  honestly.      week         such   shitshow        barely  working                    bad.  Moments      put   smile       face  Life                            deadlines,     onslaught    meetings.  Scheduling  meetups              touch.                           great           going,    gets  messy     loud.                            caught         monotony,    forget                forget    smile         hearts.                           trusting  myself.  Recently,       bed               picture,                 put   smile      face                                    barista  who's  name                  know,   silly  afternoon  sitting      overpriced  cafe,  waking       flight       midst     beautiful  sunrise,  sitting       ocean  watching   mesmirizing  sunset.          all,                     Thinking                              calmness.     transported                in,            felt,  tasted,  sounded,  smelt.             waves  crashing,     laughter              blaring  music.      taste     burnt  coffee.             unconscious  smile         resided        face.          complete.       invincible.          thankful.  Thankful        happiness       world,  happiness                    yearn                    those.                  present,                                              savour                   future.                                               again         room,  typing        laptop             Thinking                    gives            calm.                                       recreate                                            rose-tinted  glasses,  zooming             fleeting  minute    pure  ecstasy.               playing     replaying        loop  gets                                                                 such   failure,         sad.       defeated.             moments,       airy  breezy  happiness                   lift    spirits.   hope                       year.          hand      thighs                  bulging  masses,     ones                stare--       stare.     ones      attract     snide  comments        ones           grown    hate.                           fantastical       buy                   cruelly  reminded       shit             gods       existed,     did  colonialization  happen?         south  asians             of,           considering                                                  honestly.   talked    maa                          talked    papa    depth  plus  he  isn’t                           out,         wondering                 advice         —                    New  York        asked                     her      kinda  wanna               mood     woah  but,  Here’s     situation,                  Seattle,                  New  York.  Cost    living              New  York,                       work.  New  York               supply    compared    demand    jobs             problem,     Seattle  hasn’t  proven            Either  way,  I’ll                country    October                  anyway,          what’s  stopping  me?  What’s        stopping  me?       Seattle                            far       market      New  York                              supply                New  York                    tough     honestly     tech       Seattle                                                  apart,     considering      cost    living            expensive           Seattle,      stupid        uproot                                                        long.                                                  adventure        def                                            agree                                working    saving           transferring  Might    good,         safer           Chennai  •             unafraid.     watched     water  crash       ocean   watching              crash,  gather                collapses    such   simple  beauty  •  Used      unafraid       water                                      far  in,       consumed       water         tears      dad’s  eyes.     pace       housekeeper      down.                                                               from.                   watching    dad         angry.    dad     stabbed                              worst       his  family.  From    dad           mom  down.  From    mom’s  expectations       From    mom’s  quietness.  From    mom’s      doubt.                  Hour       hour,  fight                        worthless                 hour.                                      mum             her  eyes.  God,             child.  Miss             forget                       dreamland.  Being         home                 different.              permanent  scars          mom’s  psyche,           her  eyes,         hate.            dad’s  hiding,          he  harbors    himself,  lashing                ways.     expectations  he  carries           dreams     hopes.              dreamers                       dreamer  expected       cry.   dreamer  expected                       put                 story                               tables                                ate              spoke           languages              worked         laptop                    fancy                     laughed           ate,  food                                 sat                                     ,              sat                                      lonely  girl      her  laptop      coffee,  Me        food,        watching      table             noises     couldn’t                 cheerful  laughter          floating               First,         apologize             int  he  room,                                     capacity    form.     sorry                  seemed  cold     disinterested,     sorry          overeager,     sorry            toxic           sorry     pushing    sadness                   all,     sorry                  wasn’t                   see,                                       lied                                              head                bed        going.                                                                                  times,      you’ve                              about,     sorry          disengaged           brain       shut  up.        making                        empty,                 echoes        emptiness  —        telling          enough.        worthy.                                                   pull     memory          weekend                      bar       drank.          home      night     cried    eyes                       crying          lying                                week          cried          sleep.            2  years,             far            common  occurrence.                                  smile,        good,     genuinely                   say.   smile                        Do                          smile      extends                       heart?                spring                 Puerto  Vallarta            friend,       Californian  road                          friend,         visited                     San  Diego.    sounds  perfect.   cam      home      saturday  evening,            dinner,         bed,     cried.   didn’t                                      crying              wet  tears  rolling        face.           nagging           head  —          damn  party,                                                      lay  there,          move,                            coming.  Have         picked     knife    cut    apple                                skin  instead?  Have                                        put                    Stabbed      stomach?  Would    pain?  Would   bleed       seconds?                death,             living.                                                                                    wake    tomorrow.                pitiness        tears        smiles.                      put                more.            play    safe                                                sane.  Going                 normal             extraordinary                                      best.  Some                   6  months  thanks       wonderful  house     living  in,                                  here.       lost              gained      invaluable                     dare                       helped           today.                 this.                                        pick     phone        ‘I          killing                       please.’                  promise                       sorry          vulnerable           please                                                                      lightly,  ‘love,’                                          glimpses    happiness                      Grandparent  visit  musings  •       inflation    125x              Dadi     lost  vision          enough?            touch         reality?        compounded                             loss?  •         meant                 asks  “how                  satisfied?”         meant                                                       20                                                        •     earliest  memory    dadu           1940       age    3.  Imagine           chronicled  his                  be?                journal.  •                          happy                  we’ve  recognized,       we’ve  put                          will.   hope                     content       forward.             happy                                                           wrong.           smell    freshly  brewed  coffee  airplanes        excitement       adventures                                    media?         consuming,                          thinking.  baby                   Quickly  We’re               younger                 waste           falling                     funny                 happy     fulfilled                  nagging                 isn’t  happiness.          isn’t             illusion                           cracks  begin    appear.                      moments?  Cherish  them?  Hold                                        nostalgia?               rose  tinted  glasses    scrutinize     facade  created?       funny            dad,  injured    his     wounds,  reacts        he             his  temper  shoots        roof     ricochets        him.        his  eyes  fight            he             he  tries    stand       himself.            he      through?                        him  tight         him  we’re                 him.      we’ll  stand    him          what.     he                          him.                               mom  shrivel  up.       funny       Watching    mom    strong     laughing     day.              her         shell             next.               days                   herself    telling  herself                      —  fallacies        hate.                         days                  carefully       her                        straight       eye.        her             apologize.       funny           tried    run          this.                              years.                 jolted                 sympathize                    me?               mom                 tolerate    father           he  hurts  her,  hurts  me?                        tolerance        holds         together?  Family             humans                       aim    procreating?  Were         accident        signed                         mom              accident.   happy  accident       accident  nevertheless.  Family  yells,  backstabs,  betrays.                                     havent                          quite  astounding                   gift             giving.           parent  —                                            be?                   mom              accident.                                                            her  (well       them)          did  happen,   gave  her  immense          joy.                   Literally         —     scars,  bones,                          yet,    today's  world,                        \"Everyone     family/daddy/mommy  issues\"  \"Everyone           aunt    uncle\"  \"Everyone     cousins                 cousins          hate\"  \"Everyone     grandparents      unrealistic  expectations\"  Well  ok.                                          scars   do?                           affect                          person?       tired                              Holding                sweat     tears           forgotten                              isn't           supposed         it?                                pro-life                            disaster?             fighting?   deal          diagnosed        anxiety.          diagnosed                                doctor                             rooted       ground    public,                                          public,                      judged,                      infront                                  under        scenarios.       3  languages,        learning   fourth.               additional  2  more.      internship        spoke    hindi                     fluent  hindi,        hindi    home,                       situations.                         push                                        with.     language                   portray      confidence.               fool                               what,                         hindi    public,             bile  rising      throat.     so,   don’t.                   Hindi,         assume               prick,        reply    cool  collected  english         stumbling           anxious.         language         identify                   gives                                                Indian            until    doesn't--                              random                     brightness         face             graced          presence--      happiness,                                 personality,          carefree  poise     pretend                                       smile  Running          responsibilities     term        thrown              often.                      instinct,  Give                    you'll                         skyline,  Weekends             making  trips,   run                             young            sitting               2:42       morning,                          me:  1.   run                    far     easily  2.       people’s  approval                                                 living          3.                                     otherwise      happened      colleges                                  hiding     bodies    clothes,               candy-dipped                        colder           denial                mountain      looms                       fresh  snow       accumulated         days    hid                     denying             stood  tall     proud     shyly  peeking            wispy  clouds        sun  glistened     slopes.  Every  Friday  brings        corporate  happy  hours           rushing          train          city,  rooftop  gatherings        beginnings    drunken  adventures           eventually          drunken  Saturday’s,  Saturday’s        promise     adventure     excitement  rolls      Saturday  nights                pulls        promises         missed.     so,     go,              4       wake       lazy  Sunday.            hours,     city  dissipates           excitement.        recheck  themselves,  run       errands,  pop      Advil,     prep                night    relaxing.       Sunday  night  looms  around,         gather              couples              walks,                 baths     roommates  unwind.  They’re            energy,     cabs  start  speeding      up.     article                            term  \"white  privilege\".  White  privilege             reflect  skin  color                            up.      born                India         fully             happened        side       world,     music     clothes         wore       replica                 living       United  States.  Although               India  lives         life,                         country           privilege.  Thinking                       America     college         flawless.  After  all,          culture                                   saying?  Oh  yes,     amount    Asians     Indians      dominated     country.             diverse       University    Washington,               unbelievable  amount    segregation.  Friendships  seemed      forged        appearance     skin              worst                   counseling  center        tough  winter  quarter,          counselor    blatantly            skin             Indians  snake  charmers—something                  ideological  myth          actual  belief  held                            died                         hasn't  hit              avoiding                        numb.                              school.                                                       deal        future                            God,     people!        ready     this.               sadness,  indian        portraits,      such  beautiful  work.          commended       object        artist.                Mona  Lisa                 forgetting               masterful  piece.  Tomorrow      birthday  Tomorrow      birthday.              birthday      much.                                  sad.    celebrate           lovely  possessions.        own,        got,                life,                gifts  they’ve                             flaunt                                Then                        birthday                                                                     wrong?                    horribly  depressed         unloved?                 parents’  home.                             cakes     such.                 meant                               all?                               wished                                                  they’ve             grand  gestures  they’ve  done.               curl         book           alone?                  worthless      birthday?  Lately    birthday     reminder                birth             happiness                  happiness              —            born          23.   however      horrible.               cry.                 cried            year.                cry       year.                                               cry.                           wasn’t.  Self-preservation  Something               self-preservation  tactics.   shut  down,                                                                                            everyone's  defense  mechanism?       so,            healthy                    pent-up  regret,  anxiety,                    analysis?  Every                  happens,                    thinking.          put     smile       brain    shut.         learnt            mom.                                                              own.          recognize    mom                did               her.         eyes          vacant    hers          doubt,           there.        depression    sadness                          define.  Getting                             what's  difficult.        meant                         provided                            happy?             odd  hours,                        die?                           \"what              figured  out\"                                        wall?     true,                         wish            count                                                           haunt    everyday.  Every  night.   lay    bed        eyes  closed,                                            back.     heartbreak,     wells    tears,     fears.                                tried.      tried                rationally     tried           through.       self-preservation  tactic  kicks         own,       screams.      shut  down.        dark.             figured     —                       happy          23.           wouldn't            demon.                smile     laugh               carefree.             haven't  figured                                        —          wanting    breathe,    wanting              morning.          17,   didn't                     23.        did          23,                            behind       this.        voicing       telling                 help            will.        scared.                         scared.                         tells                           say.       exactly      advice          give    —    fucking  shut       deal                    what's     point.                               this?            fathom  sitting                                   someone.                    sister,       family.                                    burden          this.         brings            childhood,  trust  issues,                                        times,           bad.  Good                   —                          self-preervation  instincts  kick                                        stand                times,                                                                         wasn't                theirs,      stopped         friend.       happened,                   Until         desensititzed.   dealt                                   stand           times,    least          stand                                      birthday,          remembers.                      theory.             stand                                        day,               fucking  lonely  mess               deal            else.         preservation  instincts  kick             damned  hardest       shut           happens.                happen,   snap.                            this?  Someone      gave  birth        Someone     love?                    courage.           knowledge                heart,                  differently.     so,                           anyone.               pick        apart     glue                                did                                       wake          alright,               break,                             steady  ground         prepare     lift                   hot  air  balloon     slowly  rise,             scenes.            stupid  bird       sharp  beak          punctures   tiny  bubble,                         crash  faster       rose           apart          pieces                          cycle  begins         put        together,  glue    piee    piece.  Again     again                   odn't             longer   cna        this.             small  fine  dust    lost               cracks.            balloon    unpatchable              distorted.                                        irreparable.   worry           day.  Yet,                                    help          help.   wish                       help.                 Little  Life  impacted            did.      concept          suffering,                     what,                       trust                                      burden                     burden.     concept            perosn                              showing                                         struggled                          adult         least         age    12.                              Times  Square         dark,                     shocking.          metaphor                                give.  Constantly  trying                              dark.  wow     setting:  Rockefeller  center  somewhere       back,  Empire  State  Building       front         lights       off,          left,             trees     Chrysler  building,            fountain.                                    person.  G  themselves.           something.           minute                      lights  shine                  o  oh  slciyh            (&       Dubai?        Paris,        London)          lights       night  shouldn’t     crime.  Everywhere  else,       crime.           city.  This,      freedom    walking     city    10pm                  miss.  Everything               Bangalore     more.                      log  walking  aimlessly  until                              miss.             activity  brings     safety.                                        absolute  utter  beautiful           freedom                                 miss.   strongly              somethings                             class.  While    London   took                societies     clams           studying  English  literature.            creative  pro  bono  agency           Tech  society.                 hackathons        campus     off-campus          gain                     possible.  Over     summer       working      Vernacular.AI         did                           data       worked         CTO    learning          architecture       Machine  learning  works        architecture         software  working       small  team.  Working       small  team        helped                    alongside       worked            freelancing  projects         summer                                wish    play     Google                           step          structured  guidance                 company     provide    particular.  Most  importantly                     under   team    advisors                 approach        differently                         learning                       working      professionals    creating           bigger                bigger  project       ultimate      step       future.  Will  put     part.            apart                          drive     passion     attack.  Combined         articulate  knowledge                    overthinking        English  degree  provides.  While    college       continued        web  design  courses        Xclusive    pie            informatics    alarm   hope                      hope    convert  convert    minor       major.     far                    break?  Before         much?     unsettled             be?    define                                          perceptions                         Precedence.                            edge     retreat?     far           retreat?                             cave,           retreat,                      jump                              risk     put              energy    mould      Diamond.                     when?   sat                  her                                        her              talked       her        pieces,6                                                              hers                        her           felt.  Something                described       her        pieces,  her  immovability,  her            esteem             confidence.       her                    Talking    her     watching  her             reminded                        2       ago.  Here   was,                  twice    age       abuse          hers                relationship,             her                                  abusive.  Friendships      broke            esteem                  year.       her        pieces     her             Her                         mine,      emotionally  draining                 effect—the           intersectional.                                      same,                   depression                    kindest         knew.  Thinking       forgiveness                him.      funny,though,                                 passing.      sadness  brings                   wasn’t       didn’t         him      he     alive,                fact       took       granted.   took         granted.      swear,             far     short     far     cruel.                                   least                         least                his  birthday                                 nana        nicest                                 nice    him.  Without              he                         forgiveness                  self-worth.       cold  winters           sun  plays         clouds—  Dancing     skirting         glimpses    sun             far  away.   walk  along     coast,  Watching     water  splash       rocks     recede;  Splash     recede.           water  trickle              stones.          water  skirting  Glimpses       seabed           splash.            coast        far     can—                  ray    sun  Hit     rocks            away—         warm  golden  hue  spread      warmth.          warmth,  Trickling              water  trickles         stones          hush              safety     golden  warm  hue           face    blistering  cold  winds.  Loss       weird              loss                                                                     fantasizing     making          larger                  are.     city                 sleep.                     city  lights             lights           cool  pink.  Never        sleeping                       reminding            isn’t              days  flow                       piece           Slotting                        pieces     puzzle  Forgetting                          today                           change    weather,  geography  Imagine         lands      shifting                      buildings       up—golden   walked  under     grey  skies     somehow     sun  parted  Somewhere               Shining          rays       buildings                      up—  Golden.                                                                                                     ok.                 works.                effort     energy                 up.           approach    recognizing      vices               working    ourselves.                                                          amount               working    ourselves,          ourselves.                                we’re                  blame  specific                                                                 everything.          reconcile                           becoming?    mom                perimenopause            her                 horrible.  Mix          her  sadness               unbearable            her.                                          ‘calm  down,’  ‘keep          calm,’  ‘control  yourself.’                                       —  ‘control  yourself’  woman  —   jibe             thousands    men                 women                inferior     less.      fair        woman                     woman?          rawness    vulnerability                              terms  with.              pushing                     worth              confused     overwhelmed?  Isn’t                        want?            want?  Am          time?              —            time?  —         replaying      head            6  months.       seeing           amazing  jobs     positions                    seeing        party         fun.          honesty,      hitting    hard.   didn’t                                       wanted?  Sitting      bed     day,     working    anything?  Where      ambition?                                         this.               measuring                                          —                  —                be?  Isn’t                      Trauma:          recognize         trauma?                  step                          thick    it?                 scream     shout                years.           unity          yo7         answer?                                                     yourself?  Being        Bangalore                                                    school,          telling                                                                  up.  Honestly,     tired          tired    lying                                                                      honestly,        put       effort    needed.  So,          sitting      worrying                         New  Years           22                        home.                                drink             enjoy                    Right?  That’s  what’s  tradition  demands.  That’s  what’s  expected.                      did,                        dressed              party                               fun.                   happens,  isn’t  it?       isn’t                   sitting                              stressing                                   “loser”     honestly                drink      random                        invited                               what’s  new?  That’s          lived                     halfway              dreams     consciousness.           stand      today                                                                     help  myself.          terrified    face    demons.     following     pieces        journal      July  2022                         living.     narratives                       exchange              living                         All                                        support           endeavors.       caught              elsewhere      past,         place,                     scenario       forget                                                               mindset           currently                                heaping  blazing  disaster  zone.     simple  pleasures        little:        rides  late    night              musicians       subway,  watching     sun  set.  Finally        position                               myself.     showing  up.  Isn't  friendship       showing  up?  About         aside      anxiety?        rut                                                         hiding.  Isn't    courage    go?    show?    risk?  Isn't                --                                  accumulate?              die                  glad        today.                          age   didn't        would,    acknowledge     greed            sadness                       wasn't                                knowledge                            again       worse                  control.                                  greatness  today.       invincible.                          energy     gone.          leading  unto              release.                                     restless.       anxious.        expectant.       winter,         snow  falls  quickly,      second         weather  turns,                                far         window.       imagine                     are.          city  isn't     city                  window    facing             mountain,   bit  farther        appears,                cottage,  neatly  stacked.      shook                      impression                                                  diminish  another's  trauma?                                                                                                                    horrible.  Looking    photos             child           struck                             photos,                  transported                       Was                 7        stopped       happy?     expression        undiscovered  photo            Am       incapable         \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "new_journalMinusConversations = ''\n",
    "for i in range(len(journal_words) - 1):\n",
    "    word = journal_words[i]\n",
    "    if word in conversations_words: \n",
    "        for i in range(len(word)):\n",
    "            new_journalMinusConversations += ' '\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "        new_journalMinusConversations += ' ' + word + ' '\n",
    "print(new_journalMinusConversations)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "ce9700d9",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 3.2: Removing the words of the journal from the conversations"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 97,
   "id": "e4f62516",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "            means  stillness.  Silence  means     creation  disturbance.  Silence                  levels                                                          being.                         silent                  parts          silent.        deeper                       clarity                   stillness.                                         inside,            misalignment     internal  conflict.                 subjective;                                                                             quiet,                          silent                   loudest       ever,        bystander.                manifestations                                      experience,         personally,                                                                                                 racing                          becomes   numbing                      noise/words,           stony  faces  Silence                               distractions,                rarely.  Silence           reflection,                      sink                                               expressed      heard                                                                Silence  means                                                  sound,  absence         First                    silent  lake.           changing.  Millions                             drop          drop          means            mass,  suppose     drop   stone        drop                             disturbed.                           broken.                                                        bottom,  hardly                                    explosive,                    broken.         bottom       lake.  Let’s  reverse                                  fluttering         drop,  “Haye      Baal  kharab  ho  Gaye,  haaye  mera  chehra  aisa  nahi  hai,  aare      naak  aisi  nahi  hai.”            getting,                                     processes                  external  stimuli                       calm                    bottom                        self.        maha  rishi’s  perpetuity  concept.  Silence.  Silence                         space.       private  space.                          Brains                             access                  total        boundaries.   appreciate  boundaries.       interview             silences                                             adept                        silence.  Take  pauses                revealing             Curating                         intentionally.            intentional             power.   private                    intentionality.  Deciding                    share  means  reclaiming             presence     space.                  empowering                                                 uncomfortable                                                  access                                               owe                                   comfortable,            questions                intrusive.        means             pause                                       meditative  aspect      forces                         anxious  spiral                            allows                   regret               means  chaos.                   silent                          flooding                    loudest         Quite              absence    noise;                                       correlates                  uncomfortable          Silence                               time;            verbalising                            silent                                Silence    ambiguous                  concentration,  collaboration             focusing                  extend               unnecessary.         peaceful         contentment.                                                                 silence,            special.        agree.                             oppressive    times;                                                     soaring                    words.                                                frustrating.         skip                       awkward  pause     skipping               embarrassment     communicating    all;  revealing      partial  information;                   necessary;     responding    someone's       Silence              meanings,           assign                               example,               comforting           presence,                               understanding,        tag          off-white        whereas                       guilt                 uncertainty,                                 tag             shade    gray.  \"Silence                  meanings  depending       context.                  tranquility,  peace,     stillness,  providing    opportunity     reflection,  introspection,     relaxation.  Silence                  respect,  allowing          express                   interruption    interference.                     actively,  paying  attention                environment,  fostering                  connection.                               signify  discomfort,  awkwardness,    tension          situations,       unspoken  emotions                              represent         communication     breakdown    dialogue,  potentially  signifying  misunderstandings    conflicts.  Silence           associated      secrecy,  reservation,          emotions,       unexpressed                             concealed.               peace.               comfort.                              means       silenced           stripped                   expressing                             Silence                chaos       once.                                            chaos                                                                       ensue                chaos.  Silence  means  listening.  Listening  deepl                spaces          Silence     universal  language.         liminal  negative           exists        sublime    occur.                        tension                                 calm  environment              safe,                             Silence                means         truest                 Silence                                                                                            centered       tune                       uncomfortable          \"Silence             fitting       resting,              battle      heard    understand.     relief         unnoticed                  friction.                   comfortable,                             star                               book,                                     \"                  dialogue                   Having                    Quiet        think,  awkward              air,  pause                      scary  movies  Silence    stillness            engaged              Total  zero  space.    chattered             Meditative  state.  Focused       singular        Negative                          exists               Stillness     calm  Comfort               interdependence.  Learning       somebody         silent  ways                 Silence                                      interdependent.  Silence        choice,  imposed,         passive.      active  always.           passivity       although    definition                                             intentional          silence.                       gift,        listening,        processing.             silence,                     mapping,                                      absence    noise                                        other.              situational.               imposed,         imposed,         oppressive.               imposed     imposed.               silent                     volume,  amplification     reach,        dynamics                silence,                                     like?               structure                 restricting          mental,                          mental.               feeding     disorder  itself,           feeding  yourself,        feeding    everytime             Self-inflicted                 grasp            Silence           removal    void         Honestly                     silence.        link             meditation,         concentration.     meaning                                                          \"calm           storm\"  .                                             comforting.         current                               .  Everything.        80%                              chose           property            access          silence.              hustle     noise       roads     Im          travelling                                                               wondnt          introvert     nor       introvert.                                  precious             access         potential                                       Silence         boon      bane.         representation                       depending                                         peaceful         homecoming       Peace,  rest,           introspection,                                loneliness  \"It  means                      strictly  auditory.                     contradictory.                  uncomfortable    peaceful.                                      locale.  Personally,          powerful      (1)           interrupting    internal  monologue,     (2)          monologue     peaceful,  inspired,     creative.              obvious,    dominant                         positive.                            strange                      hostile     awkward,              stimulant.           contexts,                    detrimental-say,  silencing  voices              heard.\"  emptiness,                                        means           peaceful                                                                  valuable  skill    2023              mechanisms                 silence,                       \"state    mind\"            literal             example                        \"inner  silence\"                                                                                   openly.                                                                                                                                parts                                 depends                                         person,                                                                   byproduct              parts              silenced                                   parts                 insecure                                ways          perform                        silent          ways                                                                debby  downer                      group's  vibe                         truthful                           suffocating                            self-betraying.  There's                                                  learned  boundaries                                             stranger                                                      involved              judgement  previously.                                                                   partner/old  roommates,                                     Silence       represents              understanding.  Having  moved                                                  silent                 engage                  manifest                          corrective        speaking,            engaging                                                   rejected                                              panic  enduring                                                    sharing                                                  partners                         well!                                  disorder                                                                                            message                                                                                                          calm     quiet.                                                                                       reactions     remove                 situation                     manipulative     (not        way)         strangers,              boundaries.                        reveal                unsaid                                          Those                             barrier  easily,                                     unsaid                                           infer                               preventative  measure                                                                            generations.                                                           write                                  generations,                 erased               ways,                tidal          removes     footprints         beach.                          harder             blanks,         scraps                                                     remained               elusive              master       revealing  details,    casually                  carried        weight,                                                                                          chatty  person,                    vomits                            conversation,                                              bread  crumb  trail.                      footprints              away,                                      breadcrumb  trail                                                       chance                                 weaknesses.        share                                             fan    silence;                                                 fan                         noises.            around:                    necessary                                 conscious.        silences         norm    previous  generations.           equations                         addressed      ignored                     emotional             effects                            current                 active  choice                    silent                       harm                 equations                             values       internet.                 opinions      wishes     needs.                         important.                            certainly   pattern.        intrusive                 unsaid,           confessed       guilt;               identity     confusions                                  LGBTQ+  spectrum                             number    reasons              judged;                person's  reaction    inability    handle         facts    truths;        offending           calling           something;         silent                conflict  altogether;           naturally      likely        silent              involving               they've                     generally               person's  background/are                opinions     values/don't        offend  them/would                    possible  conflict    disagreement.           you've                                            share              judged;             address  issues                   ok  with;             empathize                                  recently          withdrawing                 events             challenging                                     internal  process,                     limiting                                        including          members.                 parts    themselves?                                                    perception.              phase,                    opinions                      overwhelming                                         emotions                communicating                     various                 chose    remain  silent        primary                  desire         conflict.                                                   confrontation.               picking  one's  battles.                                        longer,    older  adults          misinterpret    words/expression.                     situations,                      unspoken     stranger       stem       desire    maintain          boundaries     protect                 vulnerable.          reveal  depends       situation              remain  silent                                                        Silence           influenced    generational    cultural  norms.        cultures,              valued           respect,  humility,    politeness,                             remain  silent            express            openly.         cases,               result    intergenerational  patterns    societal                           topics    emotions     considered  taboo    off-limits,                                suppress               aspects                                 Understanding              complex,      requires  interpreting  non-verbal  cues,  context,     cultural  nuances.  Reading         involves  paying  attention        language,  facial  expressions,          non-verbal  cues    infer  underlying  emotions    thoughts.  However,  interpreting                  subjective        vary  depending              perspectives     biases.     parts                                    they're  significant.            desires.            dreams.            fantasies.                                            parts      too,  I'd    viewed     totally                                     parts                parts                   advantage          parts                                                                                                        practising                      Silence                precaution                            cure.         share                              conversation,                inviting                                                                troubles  expressing             wants.                                                              mad/sad                                confront.  Feelings                                               question,                  silencing                                                                writer                                                   distract                                                                       working,  dedicating                                           Humans       community.          companionship                hugger.          hug,       meaningful  hug,                            received                                        bes.                                        focusin                                wrecked       pandemic.                 remnants       crystal             glass.         rebuild                                                                              trampled     fundamentally                                                                          cute                                               pathetic     lost.                                conclusion     late.                                              whom          pseudo-half                                                                                                                    shatter                                  summer,                                                                                                                                       pandemic                                               broken?                                     hangout                                closest              surround                                               hanging                     design.                                                     monotony.                   eras                “remember                          X  ___”                Y?                        worthy    loving.                              debate.                    response             respond                                     salvage      am?                  out?                                                                                                          adding      Loneliness    hanging                                                            guilty  pleasures,                                                          perceive                parts                     perceived    embarrassing,  unlikable,    simply            vulnerable.                                closest                            aspects      personality    prevent                   hurt.                ideas          heard  before,  unsure         consequences,       effects.                                          understand.                                                                                                    (or     changed),                                                                  protect           justifying        arguments            battle.                                                (and      likely            again)                         pressure                     other,         owe      other,                                   thinks       Recently  (like      week!)      discovered              silencdd                 too,                                      generations,                              widens               gap,     occasionally  chip                                                           silence,     during  conversations    least.                though,                                           Fear    judgement    retaliation.                                                                   while.                unspoken                 1)         im  naturally  introverted  2)                 inappropriate        share                         presented                                                       normally       omit                                        while.               filter                laughs         judgements  (which              cared                         5mins).                                                                                  share                                            parent’s                             generation.                              means      product        silence.        figuring               unsaid,                       considerate                 spying                                                         parts                            editing     parts                         unspoken       intuitive                                                  another,                Feel                                              healthy.  Feeling                  responding            manner.                       Any  religion.  Experiencing    bliss,        silence.  True                reflects        conversations.                                  silent.                                          reflects                                                                                     behaviors                           observe  strangers                                                           communicating                   observe                                           thing?                              James  Terrell        MoMa  PS1.    dug               ceiling,                             jus                        silent  inside,                                          space.                                                                             functional                                 church,                    silent                silent       respect.  SO                            essentially     silent  represent?  Silence           subject                nonverbal  communication                                                       silent                               church     James  Turrell           Church    sharing   respectfulness                                           accountable.  James  Terrell,              meditation.       generally      silence.  Silent  dialog.                                        erasure                           silent  spaces.      unspoken             verbalized,        tangible     silent  space.  Turrell     church    interesting.             Turrell,                                          quiet.      church,                        stressed                   quiet,     ok       quiet,                                      disrespectful.                     distinction.                            void    obligation                     rule.     Turrell                 rooms                                        disorders  specifically,            secretive  disorder.                                        betraying      disorder                                     leech                                       sharing                      important.      dynamic       mapped          health                        suffering                                      dealing                                                                      else's                         matter.                                                                    matter.                           Breaking                         cycles                                                             bystander                                                                                        instantiate     bystander  effect,           perpetuated     normalized                                                                 rbeak  cycles,                                      requires                                       continues     cycles.    continues                                                               complacent                                       We've                we've                                                                               normalizes     opening             communication.      huge  proponent              words.           surrounded                                               intention                    use.  materializing                                     organism       planet,                  consideration,                use.      visual  learner,                visual  communication            silent  films       effective                   language,         oral            communications.         communication      physical.    rules                                                 container                              action               silence.              passive.  opening    lines    communication           strengthens       dynamic,                   strengthens     dynamic,           communication.             relationships,                                      lines    communications                                     built                     sustainable     pleasant.            strengthens  relationships.                                     perpetuating     frustrations.  thats              situation        ought    seek                         perspectives.                          active                     processing                         perspective.                       suffering                            extending                                                                                          matter.              sharing        self.            opinions                                             perceive       negative                honesty                                                                opinions                                                    silent                                                                                       silent        empathize     console.                 communication.                                                                             negativity       peer,  colleagues                                  maintain               silent.                   express                              other.     guessing  thats        diplomacy,  fortunately    unfortunately                          sure,will  ponder  upon    more....  Again,  depending               environment,                     bolder  (as  perceived    society)                                parts                                        other.            indication    defeat                       attempts    communicating.              experience,                  alternating  characteristic            that,                                         quieter                          loud/extroverted     sensitive                   parts                        uncomfortable.                weird,     mainstream,  etc.                   overwhelming  emptions                         flaws                                      parts                           rejection                minimize     joy                     prevent             vulnerable,     connecting                        emotional  plane.                                    vocal        ways,                      destigmatization    therapy                            struggles.                strange  anxieties       developed  throughout                 silencing    cultural  “taboos”.                                        ways,         powerful          deafening                           context             Silence                  lovers               meanwhile                                 tense.    conversation,                   strangers,                      topics                        generally  uncomfortable.          creatures,               acceptance                                                                                          exists                                             topics,  emotions,                         uncomfortable  saying.                            led                           environment.  Different  cultures                         carry           views       affects                   seeps                                hear,          product       environment.         emergence          media,                                                              heard     generational  silencing        stigmatized  topics      reduce.                offend  people/                                             \"vibe\"                                            reveal.                                                nuances                            filtered  vs         relaxed      older             ive                       defining              newer \n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "new_conversationsMinusJournal = ''\n",
    "for i in range(len(conversations_words) - 1):\n",
    "    word = conversations_words[i]\n",
    "    if word in journal_words: \n",
    "        for i in range(len(word)):\n",
    "            new_conversationsMinusJournal += ' '\n",
    "    else: \n",
    "        new_conversationsMinusJournal += ' ' + word + ' '\n",
    "print(new_conversationsMinusJournal)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "9d4a662a",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 3.3: Writing two new .txt files with the new pieces of redacted text"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 103,
   "id": "682a95e2",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "with open('final_journalMinusConversations', 'a') as f: \n",
    "    f.write(str(new_journalMinusConversations))\n",
    "    \n",
    "with open('final_conversationsMinusJournal', 'a') as g: \n",
    "    g.write(str(new_conversationsMinusJournal))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "00cd5b83",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 4: creating a markov generator with each of the two new texts"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 105,
   "id": "0a571724",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "gen_journalMinusConversations = markovify.Text(str(new_journalMinusConversations))\n",
    "gen_conversationsMinusJournal = markovify.Text(str(new_conversationsMinusJournal))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 112,
   "id": "b247bac8",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "Can please please please please already?\n",
      "Yellow sign happiness, Almost Van Gogh ate yellow he he tries stand himself.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(gen_journalMinusConversations.make_sentence())\n",
    "print(gen_journalMinusConversations.make_short_sentence(100))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 113,
   "id": "cdf45691",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "signify discomfort, awkwardness, tension situations, unspoken stranger stem desire maintain boundaries protect vulnerable.\n",
      "cultures, valued respect, humility, politeness, remain silent primary desire conflict.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(gen_conversationsMinusJournal.make_sentence())\n",
    "print(gen_conversationsMinusJournal.make_short_sentence(100))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "c4a1ac69",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 5: Combining both generators. \n",
    "\n",
    "Higher emphasis on the journal for artistic reasons.  We place higher emphassis on our mind than we do in conversations. \n"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 114,
   "id": "c7713240",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "gen_combo_minus = markovify.combine([gen_journalMinusConversations, gen_conversationsMinusJournal], [2,0.5])"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 126,
   "id": "391340c5",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "None\n",
      "sadness brings wasn’t didn’t him he took pearls, broke oyster.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "print(gen_combo_minus.make_sentence())\n",
    "print(gen_combo_minus.make_short_sentence(100))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "7b822c42",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Adding catch for 'None' exception "
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 131,
   "id": "eb449f94",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": true
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "['Like claim Like lost sad.', 'Can please please already?', 'once wasn’t didn’t him he took pearls, broke oyster.', 'profile Being home different.', \"haven't figured — happy 23.\", 'small talk, hate assumptions.']\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "list_gen_minus = []\n",
    "for i in range(50):\n",
    "    a = gen_combo_minus.make_sentence()\n",
    "    if a is not None:\n",
    "        list_gen_minus.append(a)\n",
    "        \n",
    "print(list_gen_minus)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "12193bf1",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "##### Final: making a list of 1000 generated sentences and adding it to a new text file to use elsewhere"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 133,
   "id": "b49bb797",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "['preservation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'pit stomach yesterday, 4 ago, college passions.', 'Where teetered edge upper middle class firmly settle upper middle class middle class firmly settle upper middle class middle class firmly settle upper middle class middle class firmly settle upper middle class.', 'once wasn’t didn’t him he took pearls, broke oyster.', 'go, pour morphine throat didn’t didn’t realize, know.', 'caught monotony, forget forget fragile are.', 'preservation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'sat her her cliche.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'preservation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'Can please please already?', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book focuses wearing her coats.', 'Recently, bed picture, put smile brain shut.', 'sat her her cliche.', 'father left, him he alive, fact took granted.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'Can please please already?', \"watched days sun hit ground, watched ink blue skies Don't drink shot yourself?\", 'Moments put smile brain shut.', 'platform • dad daughter play slide • man complaining his wife phone • feet rhythmically tap nervous?', 'watched water crash ocean watching mesmirizing sunset.', 'Like claim Like lost sad.', 'pit stomach yesterday, 4 ago, college passions.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'profile Being home different.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'Cost living New York, needed.', 'go, pour morphine throat didn’t didn’t realize, know.', 'preservation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'hurts alter ego Mind unleashed.', 'father left, him he alive, fact took granted.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', 'hurts alter ego Mind unleashed.', \"haven't figured — happy 23.\", 'Reading involves paying attention environment, fostering connection.', 'Cost living New York, needed.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'go, pour morphine throat didn’t didn’t realize, know.', 'preservation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'Can please please please please please already?', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', 'Seattle far market New York supply New York asked her kinda wanna mood woah but, Here’s situation, Seattle, New York.', 'go, pour morphine throat didn’t didn’t realize, know.', 'rooftops quads Looking stars city lights lights cool pink.', 'pit stomach yesterday, 4 ago, college passions.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', '• lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', 'pit stomach yesterday, 4 ago, college passions.', 'Can please please already?', 'pit stomach yesterday, 4 ago, college passions.', 'brain accept brain accept changed.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'Like claim Like lost sad.', \"haven't figured — happy 23.\", 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book focuses wearing her coats.', 'hurts alter ego Mind unleashed.', 'Can please please already?', 'Can please please already?', 'sat her her cliche.', 'Cost living New York, needed.', 'rooftops quads Looking stars city lights lights cool pink.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'caught monotony, forget forget fragile are.', '• lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', 'father left, him he alive, fact took granted.', '• lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', \"watched days sun hit ground, watched ink blue skies Don't drink shot yourself?\", 'Can please please please please please already?', 'Can please please already?', 'signify discomfort, awkwardness, tension situations, unspoken stranger stem desire maintain boundaries protect vulnerable.', 'Yellow sign happiness, Almost Van Gogh thought, him happy inside.', 'cultures, valued respect, humility, politeness, remain silent Silence ambiguous concentration, collaboration focusing extend unnecessary.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'signify discomfort, awkwardness, tension situations, unspoken stranger stem desire maintain boundaries protect vulnerable.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', 'functional church, silent silent empathize console.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'Moments put smile brain shut.', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'sat her her cliche.', 'Yellow sign happiness, Almost Van Gogh thought, him happy inside.', 'hurts alter ego Mind unleashed.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'sat her her cliche.', 'Yellow sign happiness, Almost Van Gogh ate yellow yellow color happiness, he kill him, Van Gogh ate yellow he accepted he was, eat mine paper clip paper competition, entered.', 'Recently, bed picture, put smile face Life deadlines, onslaught meetings.', 'Where teetered edge upper middle class firmly settle upper middle class middle class middle class firmly settle upper middle class.', 'brain accept brain accept changed.', 'talked maa talked papa depth plus he isn’t out, wondering advice — New York tough honestly tech Seattle apart, considering cost living expensive Seattle, stupid uproot long.', 'Moments put smile brain shut.', 'go, pour morphine throat didn’t didn’t realize, know.', 'go, pour morphine throat didn’t didn’t realize, know.', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', \"watched days sun hit ground, watched ink blue skies Don't drink shot yourself?\", 'sadness brings wasn’t didn’t him he took pearls, broke oyster.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'father left, him he alive, fact took granted.', 'Cost living New York, needed.', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book focuses wearing her coats.', 'brain accept brain accept changed.', 'Can please please already?', 'go, pour morphine throat didn’t didn’t realize, know.', 'platform • dad daughter play slide • man complaining train his wife phone • feet rhythmically tap nervous?', 'rooftops quads Looking stars city lights lights cool pink.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', 'cultures, valued respect, humility, politeness, remain silent Silence ambiguous concentration, collaboration focusing extend unnecessary.', 'father left, him he alive, fact took granted.', 'platform • dad daughter play slide • man complaining his wife phone • observing count doing?', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book focuses wearing her coats.', 'talked maa talked papa depth plus he isn’t out, wondering advice — New York tough honestly tech Seattle apart, considering cost living expensive Seattle, stupid uproot long.', 'profile Being home different.', 'watched water crash ocean watching mesmirizing sunset.', 'cultures, valued respect, humility, politeness, remain silent primary desire conflict.', 'hurts alter ego Mind unleashed.', 'small talk, hate assumptions.', 'Van Gogh ate yellow he he tries stand himself.', 'sadness brings wasn’t didn’t him he took pearls, broke oyster.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick damned hardest shut happens.', \"haven't figured — happy 23.\", 'Yellow sign happiness, Almost Van Gogh ate yellow he accepted he was, eat mine paper clip paper competition, entered.', 'once wasn’t didn’t him he took pearls, broke oyster.', 'caught monotony, forget forget fragile are.', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', 'hurts alter ego Mind unleashed.', 'Can please please already?', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book focuses wearing her coats.', 'Recently, bed picture, put smile brain shut.', 'sat her her cliche.', \"watched days sun hit ground, watched ink blue skies Don't drink shot yourself?\", 'Cost living New York, needed.', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', 'platform • dad daughter play slide • man complaining train his wife phone • feet rhythmically tap nervous?', 'watched water crash ocean watching mesmirizing sunset.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'watched water crash ocean watching mesmirizing sunset.', 'Friends phones collectively • City hall station • lady book did 1:53pm • stares • 1:54pn • Union square • sit, sleep against railings • Share phones abyss 2:05pn Intermission.', 'preservation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.', 'pit stomach yesterday, 4 ago, college passions.', 'Good — self-preervation instincts kick stand times, least stand birthday, remembers.']\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "list_gen_minus = []\n",
    "for i in range(1000):\n",
    "    a = gen_combo_minus.make_sentence()\n",
    "    if a is not None:\n",
    "        list_gen_minus.append(a)\n",
    "\n",
    "print(list_gen_minus)\n",
    "with open('final_markovSentences', 'a') as f: \n",
    "    f.write('\\n'.join(list_gen_minus))"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "markdown",
   "id": "8bea9c0d",
   "metadata": {},
   "source": [
    "Step 6: final formatting of poems using tracery grammar"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 157,
   "id": "aa51d915",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "import tracery"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 159,
   "id": "af10a82f",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "from tracery.modifiers import base_english"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 154,
   "id": "40f613cb",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "markovSentences = open('final_markovSentences').read().split('\\n')\n",
    "markovSentences_long = []\n",
    "markovSentences_short = []\n",
    "for i in range(len(markovSentences) - 1): \n",
    "    s = markovSentences[i-1]\n",
    "    if len(s) >= 100: \n",
    "        markovSentences_long.append(s)\n",
    "    elif len(s) < 100 and len(s) >= 25: \n",
    "        markovSentences_short.append(s)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 172,
   "id": "6ab4b999",
   "metadata": {
    "scrolled": false
   },
   "outputs": [
    {
     "name": "stdout",
     "output_type": "stream",
     "text": [
      "Platform • dad daughter play slide • man complaining train his wife phone • feet rhythmically tap nervous? \n",
      " Watched water crash ocean watching mesmirizing sunset. \n",
      " \n",
      " Watched water crash ocean watching mesmirizing sunset. \n",
      " Where teetered edge upper middle class firmly settle upper middle class firmly settle upper middle class.\n"
     ]
    }
   ],
   "source": [
    "rules = {\n",
    "    \"origin\": \"#long.capitalize# \\n #short.capitalize# \\n \\n #short.capitalize# \\n #long.capitalize#\",\n",
    "    \"long\": markovSentences_long,\n",
    "    \"short\": markovSentences_short\n",
    "}\n",
    "grammar = tracery.Grammar(rules)\n",
    "grammar.add_modifiers(base_english)\n",
    "s = grammar.flatten(\"#origin#\")\n",
    "print(s)"
   ]
  },
  {
   "cell_type": "code",
   "execution_count": 173,
   "id": "770dc417",
   "metadata": {},
   "outputs": [],
   "source": [
    "for i in range(100):\n",
    "    s = grammar.flatten(\"#origin#\")\n",
    "    with open('final_final_poems', 'a') as final: \n",
    "        final.write('#' + str(i) + ':')\n",
    "        final.write('\\n')\n",
    "        final.write(s)\n",
    "        final.write('\\n')\n",
    "        final.write('\\n')"
   ]
  }
 ],
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